# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:10,887 00:00:13,401 # Once in every lifetime # Once in every lifetime
2 00:00:13,567 00:00:15,762 # Comes a love like this # Comes a love like this
3 00:00:15,927 00:00:18,805 # Oh, I need you, you need me, # Oh, I need you, you need me,
4 00:00:18,967 00:00:21,276 # Oh, my darling, can't you see # Oh, my darling, can't you see
5 00:00:23,487 00:00:26,479 # Darling, we're the Young Ones # Darling, we're the Young Ones
6 00:00:26,647 00:00:28,683 # The Young Ones # The Young Ones
7 00:00:28,847 00:00:30,997 # (RICK) Shouldn't be afraid # (RICK) Shouldn't be afraid
8 00:00:31,967 00:00:34,197 # To live, love, # To live, love,
9 00:00:35,167 00:00:37,237 # There's a song to be sung # There's a song to be sung
10 00:00:37,407 00:00:41,639 # 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones very long # # 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones very long #
11 00:00:56,287 00:00:58,676 (ALARM CLOCK RINGS) (ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
12 00:01:12,687 00:01:15,155 Pollution. Pollution.
13 00:01:15,327 00:01:17,602 All around! All around!
14 00:01:17,767 00:01:20,486 Sometimes...up... Sometimes...up...
15 00:01:20,647 00:01:24,606 Sometimes...down. Sometimes...down.
16 00:01:25,087 00:01:29,842 But always...around. But always...around.
17 00:01:30,847 00:01:34,203 Pollution, are you coming to my town? Pollution, are you coming to my town?
18 00:01:35,127 00:01:38,164 Or am I coming to yours? Or am I coming to yours?
19 00:01:40,207 00:01:43,722 We're on different buses, pollution. We're on different buses, pollution.
20 00:01:43,887 00:01:47,357 But we're both using...petrol... But we're both using...petrol...
21 00:01:51,767 00:01:53,485 ..bombs! ..bombs!
22 00:01:54,447 00:01:56,597 (ALARM CLOCK WINDS DOWN) (ALARM CLOCK WINDS DOWN)
23 00:02:05,487 00:02:07,000 Oh... Oh...
24 00:02:07,167 00:02:09,362 Lads! Lads!
25 00:02:09,527 00:02:12,360 It's two o'clock in the afternoon! It's two o'clock in the afternoon!
26 00:02:13,527 00:02:15,722 Maybe it's time we got up. Maybe it's time we got up.
27 00:02:19,567 00:02:23,446 Lucky I didn't sleep late, or we'd've missed half the day. Lucky I didn't sleep late, or we'd've missed half the day.
28 00:02:27,727 00:02:32,118 Oh...Thanks for telling me about the new hole, guys! Oh...Thanks for telling me about the new hole, guys!
29 00:02:34,567 00:02:38,958 # You say you want a revolution, we-ell # # You say you want a revolution, we-ell #
30 00:02:41,407 00:02:45,036 Vyvyan, have you been using my roll-on deodorant? Vyvyan, have you been using my roll-on deodorant?
31 00:02:45,207 00:02:48,119 There's a revolting hair on it and it's not mine! There's a revolting hair on it and it's not mine!
32 00:02:49,327 00:02:50,919 How d'you know? How d'you know?
33 00:02:51,087 00:02:54,966 Because I know what mine look like. I can see them now. Because I know what mine look like. I can see them now.
34 00:02:55,127 00:02:58,756 Not the ones on your bum, you can't! It's off your bum. Not the ones on your bum, you can't! It's off your bum.
35 00:02:58,927 00:03:04,479 I suppose you think being rude in the morning's a very trendy thing to do! I suppose you think being rude in the morning's a very trendy thing to do!
36 00:03:04,647 00:03:08,196 - Well, it's not! - It's probably a hamster hair. - Well, it's not! - It's probably a hamster hair.
37 00:03:08,367 00:03:11,200 He was getting whiffy so I gave him a going-over. He was getting whiffy so I gave him a going-over.
38 00:03:11,367 00:03:13,927 And was I consulted, pally? And was I consulted, pally?
39 00:03:14,087 00:03:16,965 Now I stink like a student's armpit! Now I stink like a student's armpit!
40 00:03:17,127 00:03:19,960 It's common stealing, Vyvyan! It's common stealing, Vyvyan!
41 00:03:20,127 00:03:25,918 And if you ever touch it again, ever, I'm going to the police. I will, you know! And if you ever touch it again, ever, I'm going to the police. I will, you know!
42 00:03:30,967 00:03:33,640 Why is it always me that makes the tea? Why is it always me that makes the tea?
43 00:03:43,207 00:03:44,606 Wow! Wow!
44 00:03:47,847 00:03:52,602 It's as if the kettle's killed itself rather than be used by me! It's as if the kettle's killed itself rather than be used by me!
45 00:03:56,887 00:04:00,243 Hey, Rick? Time is money, right? Hey, Rick? Time is money, right?
46 00:04:00,407 00:04:05,037 Standin' on the landin' is a great song title but to me it's just a tax loss. Standin' on the landin' is a great song title but to me it's just a tax loss.
47 00:04:05,207 00:04:08,756 So make space for the face that forced the abortion issue! So make space for the face that forced the abortion issue!
48 00:04:10,727 00:04:13,241 - Good morning, Michael. - Morning. - Good morning, Michael. - Morning.
49 00:04:15,887 00:04:19,482 It's incredible, isn't it, Mike, that although one goes to bed It's incredible, isn't it, Mike, that although one goes to bed
50 00:04:19,647 00:04:22,764 apparently completely free of grit, apparently completely free of grit,
51 00:04:22,927 00:04:25,361 when you get up, your bed's full of bits. when you get up, your bed's full of bits.
52 00:04:25,527 00:04:29,156 I can't say. I can never see my undersheet for chicks. I can't say. I can never see my undersheet for chicks.
53 00:04:29,687 00:04:32,360 Yeah, I have the same problem with fleas. Yeah, I have the same problem with fleas.
54 00:04:32,527 00:04:38,238 You see, without my spectacles, fleas and bits are almost identical. You see, without my spectacles, fleas and bits are almost identical.
55 00:04:38,407 00:04:41,205 Not that a flea's going to be wearing my spectacles. Not that a flea's going to be wearing my spectacles.
56 00:04:41,367 00:04:44,404 - Nice one! The act's coming along! - Thanks, Mike! - Nice one! The act's coming along! - Thanks, Mike!
57 00:04:44,567 00:04:46,444 Listen, Rick! Listen, Rick!
58 00:04:46,607 00:04:50,919 If I wanted to stand around in corridors, I would've taken the train. If I wanted to stand around in corridors, I would've taken the train.
59 00:04:51,447 00:04:53,403 Er, Mike, look... Morning. Er, Mike, look... Morning.
60 00:04:53,567 00:04:57,526 I've got a lecture and my appearance at it is going to be important...! I've got a lecture and my appearance at it is going to be important...!
61 00:04:57,687 00:05:00,804 - Rick, it's Saturday! - Is it? - Rick, it's Saturday! - Is it?
62 00:05:00,967 00:05:04,926 The only lecture today is Mike's biology course. I've gotta scrub up. The only lecture today is Mike's biology course. I've gotta scrub up.
63 00:05:05,087 00:05:07,078 I've got the bathroom rota here... I've got the bathroom rota here...
64 00:05:07,247 00:05:10,159 Never mind that! Come 'ere. Never mind that! Come 'ere.
65 00:05:11,047 00:05:14,562 - How do you get five elephants into a Mini? - Pardon? - How do you get five elephants into a Mini? - Pardon?
66 00:05:14,727 00:05:17,446 You chop 'em in half, and chop 'em in half again, You chop 'em in half, and chop 'em in half again,
67 00:05:17,607 00:05:21,725 and you slice them up finely, then you mash them and scoop 'em into bags, and you slice them up finely, then you mash them and scoop 'em into bags,
68 00:05:21,887 00:05:25,163 put some in the boot, some on the back seat and the rest up front. put some in the boot, some on the back seat and the rest up front.
69 00:05:29,967 00:05:35,439 If you wanted to talk, you should've said, if you wanted to let off steam. If you wanted to talk, you should've said, if you wanted to let off steam.
70 00:05:35,607 00:05:38,724 (LAUGHS) Kettle! Let off steam! (LAUGHS) Kettle! Let off steam!
71 00:05:38,887 00:05:40,445 Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.
72 00:05:43,207 00:05:46,005 Good morning, Neil. Tea ready yet? Good morning, Neil. Tea ready yet?
73 00:05:46,167 00:05:48,761 Shh! The kettle's had a breakdown. Shh! The kettle's had a breakdown.
74 00:05:48,927 00:05:52,556 Oh, no! Means we'll have to have raw tea again. Oh, no! Means we'll have to have raw tea again.
75 00:05:54,607 00:05:58,316 Hey, Neil...do you want to see a great new trick? Hey, Neil...do you want to see a great new trick?
76 00:05:58,727 00:06:00,445 Oh, yeah, all right, Vyv. Oh, yeah, all right, Vyv.
77 00:06:00,607 00:06:03,599 - All you gotta do is stand over here. - Stand over there... - All you gotta do is stand over here. - Stand over there...
78 00:06:03,767 00:06:05,439 Looking this way. Looking this way.
79 00:06:05,607 00:06:08,201 - Close your eyes. - Close your eyes. OK. - Close your eyes. - Close your eyes. OK.
80 00:06:08,367 00:06:10,483 - Got them closed? - Yeah! Ready! - Got them closed? - Yeah! Ready!
81 00:06:10,647 00:06:11,966 (CLANG!) (CLANG!)
82 00:06:12,127 00:06:13,879 Nice one... I get it! Nice one... I get it!
83 00:06:14,047 00:06:16,083 My best friend told me that the other day. My best friend told me that the other day.
84 00:06:16,247 00:06:21,082 - Better get the lentils on. - I laughed and laughed and laughed. - Better get the lentils on. - I laughed and laughed and laughed.
85 00:06:22,567 00:06:27,118 I don't think I'm gonna be able to make breakfast without breaking all the plates. I don't think I'm gonna be able to make breakfast without breaking all the plates.
86 00:06:27,527 00:06:29,677 Why's that, Neil? Why's that, Neil?
87 00:06:29,847 00:06:34,238 The lentils are trapped behind this huge mound of teetering crockery. The lentils are trapped behind this huge mound of teetering crockery.
88 00:06:34,807 00:06:37,480 What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
89 00:06:39,367 00:06:43,076 I hope we get through to the back of the cupboard this time. I hope we get through to the back of the cupboard this time.
90 00:06:45,527 00:06:48,200 Yeah, great, great, this one's it. Yeah, great, great, this one's it.
91 00:06:51,527 00:06:53,404 Yeah. Yeah.
92 00:06:53,567 00:06:55,637 Right. Right.
93 00:06:56,647 00:06:58,877 Oh, no! Oh, no!
94 00:07:00,647 00:07:03,286 Get a bowl! Oh, no! Get a bowl! Oh, no!
95 00:07:03,447 00:07:07,520 Er, Neil! Neil, the lentils are dripping out all over the stairs. Er, Neil! Neil, the lentils are dripping out all over the stairs.
96 00:07:09,167 00:07:14,287 Oh, no, it's full! Er, Vyv, can you get rid of that semolina? Oh, no, it's full! Er, Vyv, can you get rid of that semolina?
97 00:07:16,967 00:07:20,721 - No, it was the bowl I wanted. - I didn't know. - No, it was the bowl I wanted. - I didn't know.
98 00:07:20,887 00:07:24,846 - Er...get a bowl! - Get a bowl... - Er...get a bowl! - Get a bowl...
99 00:07:26,687 00:07:28,564 Vyv! Vyv!
100 00:07:28,727 00:07:30,524 - Vyv! - Yeah? - Vyv! - Yeah?
101 00:07:30,687 00:07:34,760 Really quickly, OK? Really quickly. Really quickly, OK? Really quickly.
102 00:07:46,167 00:07:49,523 - Here you are. - Oh, great. - Here you are. - Oh, great.
103 00:07:50,567 00:07:54,355 Oh, this'll never go round. We'll have to have Cornflakes. Oh, this'll never go round. We'll have to have Cornflakes.
104 00:07:55,127 00:07:59,166 Cornflakes for breakfast? That's disgusting, Neil! Cornflakes for breakfast? That's disgusting, Neil!
105 00:08:02,247 00:08:05,637 27 minutes in the bathroom and Mike looks fantastic. 27 minutes in the bathroom and Mike looks fantastic.
106 00:08:06,607 00:08:09,599 Unlike the kitchen. Neil, what is this mess? Unlike the kitchen. Neil, what is this mess?
107 00:08:09,767 00:08:13,601 Well, it's mostly lentils but there's some crockery mixed in. Well, it's mostly lentils but there's some crockery mixed in.
108 00:08:14,247 00:08:17,205 Mike, there's a cup of tea in the pot. Mike, there's a cup of tea in the pot.
109 00:08:17,727 00:08:20,525 Oh, yeah, oh, good one, Vyv, yeah (!) Oh, yeah, oh, good one, Vyv, yeah (!)
110 00:08:20,887 00:08:25,085 He's only improvising, but Shakespeare could've written the script! He's only improvising, but Shakespeare could've written the script!
111 00:08:25,247 00:08:27,761 That's not funny. I could do better! That's not funny. I could do better!
112 00:08:27,927 00:08:32,159 - You're an expert on comedy suddenly? - Not suddenly, I just am. - You're an expert on comedy suddenly? - Not suddenly, I just am.
113 00:08:32,327 00:08:38,516 It's strange that an expert on comedy is advertising tents on a Cornflakes packet. It's strange that an expert on comedy is advertising tents on a Cornflakes packet.
114 00:08:38,687 00:08:40,723 Look, I'm gay. Look, I'm gay.
115 00:08:40,887 00:08:43,481 - What? - Tent, camp, gay. - What? - Tent, camp, gay.
116 00:08:43,647 00:08:46,161 You've got to admit it, that was funny. You've got to admit it, that was funny.
117 00:08:46,327 00:08:49,603 I wish I'd had time for a crap before we started. I wish I'd had time for a crap before we started.
118 00:08:49,767 00:08:53,919 - That's all you girls ever think of! - Shut up and keep smiling! - That's all you girls ever think of! - Shut up and keep smiling!
119 00:08:54,087 00:08:57,318 - We're the ideal nuclear family. - Post-nuclear, more like! - We're the ideal nuclear family. - Post-nuclear, more like!
120 00:09:00,647 00:09:04,526 Gotcha, Vyvyan! Using my ketchup on your Cornflakes! Gotcha, Vyvyan! Using my ketchup on your Cornflakes!
121 00:09:05,247 00:09:07,920 I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge! I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge!
122 00:09:08,087 00:09:10,442 What are you, a spassy? What are you, a spassy?
123 00:09:10,607 00:09:14,919 No! There just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door! No! There just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door!
124 00:09:15,767 00:09:18,645 That's the most pathetic excuse I've... That's the most pathetic excuse I've...
125 00:09:18,807 00:09:21,685 WARDEN WALTERS! WARDEN WALTERS!
126 00:09:23,087 00:09:27,444 - That's an atom bomb! - Oh, no! - That's an atom bomb! - Oh, no!
127 00:09:28,287 00:09:30,676 It's the holocaust. It's the holocaust.
128 00:09:31,407 00:09:35,719 World War Three! Heavy! What are we gonna do?! World War Three! Heavy! What are we gonna do?!
129 00:09:35,887 00:09:38,196 - Mike! - Hey, turn on the telly! - Mike! - Hey, turn on the telly!
130 00:09:38,367 00:09:42,519 - Yeah, we need information! - No, I want to see Afternoon Plus! - Yeah, we need information! - No, I want to see Afternoon Plus!
131 00:09:43,367 00:09:45,517 (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS) (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS)
132 00:09:45,687 00:09:47,962 (VYVYAN) Turn it over, then. (VYVYAN) Turn it over, then.
133 00:09:48,647 00:09:50,922 (TURNS TV DIAL) (TURNS TV DIAL)
134 00:09:51,087 00:09:53,806 - Try the other ones! - All right! - Try the other ones! - All right!
135 00:09:55,847 00:09:57,963 (ALL SIGH) (ALL SIGH)
136 00:09:58,127 00:10:01,164 (TURNS MUSIC DOWN) Absolutely pathetic! (TURNS MUSIC DOWN) Absolutely pathetic!
137 00:10:01,327 00:10:03,522 There's nothing on at all! There's nothing on at all!
138 00:10:03,687 00:10:08,124 - Don't know why we pay our licence! - We don't. - Don't know why we pay our licence! - We don't.
139 00:10:08,287 00:10:10,596 - Haven't we got a licence? - No. - Haven't we got a licence? - No.
140 00:10:10,767 00:10:13,406 But that makes me a criminal! But that makes me a criminal!
141 00:10:13,567 00:10:16,081 Right on...! Right on...!
142 00:10:16,247 00:10:20,126 This'll shake 'em up at the Anarchists' Society. This'll shake 'em up at the Anarchists' Society.
143 00:10:20,287 00:10:23,677 Occupying the Refectory, so what?! Occupying the Refectory, so what?!
144 00:10:23,847 00:10:26,042 This is the real stuff! This is the real stuff!
145 00:10:26,207 00:10:29,643 I'm a fugitive! A desperado! I'm a fugitive! A desperado!
146 00:10:29,807 00:10:33,083 I'm gonna form a new Union society, with me as president - I'm gonna form a new Union society, with me as president -
147 00:10:33,247 00:10:37,638 People who Don't Pay their TV Licences Against the Nazis! People who Don't Pay their TV Licences Against the Nazis!
148 00:10:38,207 00:10:40,163 This is only the beginning! This is only the beginning!
149 00:10:40,327 00:10:42,557 What are you gonna do, burn your bra? What are you gonna do, burn your bra?
150 00:10:44,247 00:10:50,197 Well, someone's got to do it. It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it? Well, someone's got to do it. It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it?
151 00:10:50,367 00:10:53,006 Not if you haven't got a bottom. Not if you haven't got a bottom.
152 00:10:53,167 00:10:54,805 (FRONT DOORBELL) (FRONT DOORBELL)
153 00:10:54,967 00:10:57,356 That'll be the front doorbell ringing. That'll be the front doorbell ringing.
154 00:10:57,527 00:11:00,360 I bet I know who's got to answer it. I bet I know who's got to answer it.
155 00:11:00,527 00:11:03,041 But Neil, you like meeting people! But Neil, you like meeting people!
156 00:11:05,807 00:11:10,597 If I had a penny for every time I had to answer the door...I'd have �5.63. If I had a penny for every time I had to answer the door...I'd have �5.63.
157 00:11:14,287 00:11:17,643 It's probably someone unbelievably boring. It's probably someone unbelievably boring.
158 00:11:17,807 00:11:21,436 (NEIL) Oh, no! It's the TV detector van! (NEIL) Oh, no! It's the TV detector van!
159 00:11:22,287 00:11:24,596 MIKE, YOU BASTARD! MIKE, YOU BASTARD!
160 00:11:24,767 00:11:28,919 Why didn't you buy a licence? I can't go to prison, I'm too pretty, I'll get raped! Why didn't you buy a licence? I can't go to prison, I'm too pretty, I'll get raped!
161 00:11:29,087 00:11:33,524 Yeah, steady on, we're not beaten yet. The time has come for diplomacy. Yeah, steady on, we're not beaten yet. The time has come for diplomacy.
162 00:11:33,687 00:11:38,317 (NEIL) Oh, no, he's asked me if we've got a telly! I think I'm gonna have to lie! (NEIL) Oh, no, he's asked me if we've got a telly! I think I'm gonna have to lie!
163 00:11:39,407 00:11:43,878 (NEIL) What a bummer! - The time for diplomacy is over. Vyv... (NEIL) What a bummer! - The time for diplomacy is over. Vyv...
164 00:11:44,407 00:11:48,116 - Chuck the telly out the window. - Quickly! Quickly! - Chuck the telly out the window. - Quickly! Quickly!
165 00:11:51,727 00:11:53,843 That, I did not expect. That, I did not expect.
166 00:11:54,007 00:11:56,123 Why don't we sneak it out past him? Why don't we sneak it out past him?
167 00:11:56,287 00:11:58,164 YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
168 00:11:58,327 00:12:02,479 Mike, run out into the street and say, ''Look at that thing up there!'' Mike, run out into the street and say, ''Look at that thing up there!''
169 00:12:02,647 00:12:06,083 You disguise the TV as an old woman and sneak it past him! You disguise the TV as an old woman and sneak it past him!
170 00:12:06,247 00:12:09,125 Suicide is a great hobby but it's not a living. Suicide is a great hobby but it's not a living.
171 00:12:09,287 00:12:12,916 (NEIL) Lads! I've told him we haven't got a telly (NEIL) Lads! I've told him we haven't got a telly
172 00:12:13,087 00:12:17,877 and I think that's thrown him a bit but, er, it won't hold him forever! and I think that's thrown him a bit but, er, it won't hold him forever!
173 00:12:18,047 00:12:19,844 Good thinking, keep it up! Good thinking, keep it up!
174 00:12:20,007 00:12:23,204 This is a tricky spot but Mike the cool person will squeeze it. This is a tricky spot but Mike the cool person will squeeze it.
175 00:12:23,367 00:12:27,155 - Stop crying. - I've just got something in my eye. - Stop crying. - I've just got something in my eye.
176 00:12:27,327 00:12:29,966 Vyv...eat the telly! Vyv...eat the telly!
177 00:12:31,887 00:12:34,720 That's a completely brilliant idea! That's a completely brilliant idea!
178 00:12:34,887 00:12:37,560 I've been wanting to do this for a while! I've been wanting to do this for a while!
179 00:12:39,487 00:12:43,002 ''It was the other three, not me. ''It was the other three, not me.
180 00:12:43,167 00:12:47,957 ''I had no idea what was going on. It really was the other three.'' ''I had no idea what was going on. It really was the other three.''
181 00:12:48,127 00:12:50,163 All right, don't rush me. All right, don't rush me.
182 00:12:50,327 00:12:55,162 It's not an easy question to answer - have I got a telly? It's not an easy question to answer - have I got a telly?
183 00:12:55,327 00:13:00,526 There could be a number of different replies. I need time to think one up. There could be a number of different replies. I need time to think one up.
184 00:13:00,687 00:13:04,282 We know you've got one! We detected it! We know you've got one! We detected it!
185 00:13:04,447 00:13:08,884 Oh. So you've just been playing with me? Oh. So you've just been playing with me?
186 00:13:09,047 00:13:11,515 It's better than playing with yourself. It's better than playing with yourself.
187 00:13:11,687 00:13:15,043 Ho, ho, cheap sexual allusion. Makes the world go round. Ho, ho, cheap sexual allusion. Makes the world go round.
188 00:13:15,207 00:13:17,721 Neil, you haven't introduced us. Neil, you haven't introduced us.
189 00:13:17,887 00:13:19,878 Bastard's the name. Bastard's the name.
190 00:13:20,047 00:13:24,643 But you can call me Right Bleeding. All my friends do. Well, did. But you can call me Right Bleeding. All my friends do. Well, did.
191 00:13:24,807 00:13:27,401 - How come? - I killed him. Where's your licence? - How come? - I killed him. Where's your licence?
192 00:13:27,567 00:13:31,355 As the eunuch said to Mussolini, even if had one, I wouldn't show it to you. As the eunuch said to Mussolini, even if had one, I wouldn't show it to you.
193 00:13:31,527 00:13:34,803 - That was a cheap joke. - I'm saving up for the fine. - That was a cheap joke. - I'm saving up for the fine.
194 00:13:34,967 00:13:38,118 - Haven't you got a plan? - I can't resist a challenge. - Haven't you got a plan? - I can't resist a challenge.
195 00:13:38,287 00:13:41,836 I haven't got a plan. I hope someone's taking this down. I haven't got a plan. I hope someone's taking this down.
196 00:13:42,007 00:13:44,123 Right! Where's this telly? Right! Where's this telly?
197 00:13:46,007 00:13:50,717 A-ha! So you do have one! A-ha! So you do have one!
198 00:13:50,887 00:13:55,278 - You little runt! - Hello. - You little runt! - Hello.
199 00:13:55,967 00:14:02,361 The old trick, eh? Eat the telly before I get a chance to nick you! The old trick, eh? Eat the telly before I get a chance to nick you!
200 00:14:04,047 00:14:06,720 It's a toaster. It's a toaster.
201 00:14:07,607 00:14:10,599 It's a telly, you yobbo! It's a telly, you yobbo!
202 00:14:10,767 00:14:15,158 - Give it back! I wanna nick yer! - Mr Bastard! OK! - Give it back! I wanna nick yer! - Mr Bastard! OK!
203 00:14:15,327 00:14:19,639 Now, toaster or telly, the contents of my colleague's stomach are private. Now, toaster or telly, the contents of my colleague's stomach are private.
204 00:14:19,807 00:14:22,685 And if they get damaged, we sue! And if they get damaged, we sue!
205 00:14:22,847 00:14:27,637 Well, I can wait! I've dealt with your sort before! Well, I can wait! I've dealt with your sort before!
206 00:14:28,567 00:14:33,687 - Where's your toilet? - Upstairs. Just follow your nose. - Where's your toilet? - Upstairs. Just follow your nose.
207 00:14:34,967 00:14:37,845 That's right! Tell the fascist where our toilet is! That's right! Tell the fascist where our toilet is!
208 00:14:39,407 00:14:44,606 I'm going up there now to wait. I know how to wait! I'm going up there now to wait. I know how to wait!
209 00:14:44,767 00:14:46,678 I promise you, son. I promise you, son.
210 00:14:46,847 00:14:50,476 When that telly comes out the other end, When that telly comes out the other end,
211 00:14:50,647 00:14:52,956 you're nicked! you're nicked!
212 00:15:08,207 00:15:11,677 It's all right. I always poo before I get up. It's all right. I always poo before I get up.
213 00:15:15,567 00:15:18,400 Dear, oh dear, what a boring man! Dear, oh dear, what a boring man!
214 00:15:18,567 00:15:21,559 That was really heavy, Rick! That was really heavy, Rick!
215 00:15:21,727 00:15:25,925 What's this? ''It was the other three, not me...'' What's this? ''It was the other three, not me...''
216 00:15:26,087 00:15:31,036 Give me that! Oh, very nice, trying to blame us three and save yourself! Give me that! Oh, very nice, trying to blame us three and save yourself!
217 00:15:32,407 00:15:35,001 It's all right, I'll tear it up! Disgusting! It's all right, I'll tear it up! Disgusting!
218 00:15:37,847 00:15:39,519 Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
219 00:15:52,647 00:15:55,764 You bastard! I think it's the toaster for you! You bastard! I think it's the toaster for you!
220 00:15:58,247 00:16:00,283 Burn! Burn!
221 00:16:03,287 00:16:05,278 Brilliant! Brilliant!
222 00:16:06,247 00:16:07,566 (HISSING) (HISSING)
223 00:16:17,807 00:16:22,198 Amazing! The most crazy things happen in this nutty place! Amazing! The most crazy things happen in this nutty place!
224 00:16:22,367 00:16:25,643 Sometimes, I really wish I was a fly on the wall. Sometimes, I really wish I was a fly on the wall.
225 00:16:25,807 00:16:28,958 I would too, if I wasn't one already. I would too, if I wasn't one already.
226 00:16:29,127 00:16:31,516 Oh, who are you? Oh, who are you?
227 00:16:31,687 00:16:36,363 We're just the fly-on-the-wall documentary film crew, OK, luv? We're just the fly-on-the-wall documentary film crew, OK, luv?
228 00:16:36,527 00:16:41,885 We're making a film about what it's really like to be a fly on the wall. We're making a film about what it's really like to be a fly on the wall.
229 00:16:42,047 00:16:45,596 The best thing is if you imagine we're not here. The best thing is if you imagine we're not here.
230 00:16:45,767 00:16:48,327 Carry on with your normal business. Carry on with your normal business.
231 00:16:48,487 00:16:50,921 And, cue question markers. And, cue question markers.
232 00:16:51,087 00:16:53,647 What's it like being a fly on the wall? What's it like being a fly on the wall?
233 00:16:53,807 00:16:58,358 Oh, er, well...it's over-rated. Oh, er, well...it's over-rated.
234 00:16:58,527 00:17:00,961 I'll tell you something really dirty... I'll tell you something really dirty...
235 00:17:02,607 00:17:04,563 (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)
236 00:17:06,687 00:17:10,805 Pesky little things. Why do you always let so many flies in here, Neil?! Pesky little things. Why do you always let so many flies in here, Neil?!
237 00:17:10,967 00:17:14,755 Never mind about that. We should do something about this bomb. Never mind about that. We should do something about this bomb.
238 00:17:15,887 00:17:21,439 I'm going to get the incredibly helpful Protect and Survive Manual. I'm going to get the incredibly helpful Protect and Survive Manual.
239 00:17:21,607 00:17:24,804 Nobody better touch this while I'm gone. Nobody better touch this while I'm gone.
240 00:17:30,167 00:17:33,045 Why won't it go off, Mike? Why won't it go off, Mike?
241 00:17:35,287 00:17:38,006 - Why do you want it to? - Who can tell? - Why do you want it to? - Who can tell?
242 00:17:38,167 00:17:43,002 - I'm telling you to stop! - Ignore him, he's trying to show off. - I'm telling you to stop! - Ignore him, he's trying to show off.
243 00:17:44,367 00:17:46,835 If we took this baby to the greengrocers, If we took this baby to the greengrocers,
244 00:17:47,007 00:17:49,726 we'd leave with more than a packet of tea. we'd leave with more than a packet of tea.
245 00:17:50,487 00:17:53,684 Are you suggesting we make a profit out of nuclear arms? Are you suggesting we make a profit out of nuclear arms?
246 00:17:53,847 00:17:55,166 Yes. Yes.
247 00:17:55,327 00:17:58,956 That would be fine behaviour for a Cliff Richard fan! That would be fine behaviour for a Cliff Richard fan!
248 00:17:59,887 00:18:03,357 For someone who thinks the lyrics of Devil Woman have something to say! For someone who thinks the lyrics of Devil Woman have something to say!
249 00:18:05,447 00:18:08,041 If we sold this, you could buy Cliff Richard! If we sold this, you could buy Cliff Richard!
250 00:18:09,087 00:18:11,760 Vyvyan, will you stop it! Vyvyan, will you stop it!
251 00:18:15,407 00:18:18,877 What I need is the drill, the hedge-trimmers What I need is the drill, the hedge-trimmers
252 00:18:19,047 00:18:22,244 and some ordinary household bleach. and some ordinary household bleach.
253 00:18:25,407 00:18:28,160 I'm gonna tell Thatcher we've got a bomb I'm gonna tell Thatcher we've got a bomb
254 00:18:28,327 00:18:32,559 and if she doesn't do something to help the kids by this afternoon... and if she doesn't do something to help the kids by this afternoon...
255 00:18:32,727 00:18:34,763 we're going to blow up England. we're going to blow up England.
256 00:18:34,927 00:18:38,078 A social conscience is like a garden shed - A social conscience is like a garden shed -
257 00:18:38,247 00:18:41,000 you try and eat it, it'll stick in your throat. you try and eat it, it'll stick in your throat.
258 00:18:41,487 00:18:45,924 Point one - abolish poverty. Point two - abolish capitalism. Point one - abolish poverty. Point two - abolish capitalism.
259 00:18:46,087 00:18:50,877 Point three - Dexys Midnight Runners playing free daily in the university. Point three - Dexys Midnight Runners playing free daily in the university.
260 00:18:51,047 00:18:52,878 I told 'em to set up in the loo. I told 'em to set up in the loo.
261 00:18:53,047 00:18:55,686 # Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-doo # Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-doo
262 00:18:55,847 00:18:58,805 # Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-doo # Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-doo
263 00:18:58,967 00:19:01,959 # Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-doo # Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-doo
264 00:19:02,127 00:19:04,846 # Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-doo # Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-doo
265 00:19:05,007 00:19:08,079 # Jackie Wilson said it was reet petite # Jackie Wilson said it was reet petite
266 00:19:08,247 00:19:11,239 # I kind of love you, babe, It knocks me off my feet # I kind of love you, babe, It knocks me off my feet
267 00:19:11,407 00:19:13,841 # Let it all come down # Let it all come down
268 00:19:14,007 00:19:15,838 # Oh, let it all come down # Oh, let it all come down
269 00:19:17,287 00:19:20,836 # And you know, I'm so wired up # And you know, I'm so wired up
270 00:19:21,007 00:19:23,601 # I don't need any more tea in my cup # I don't need any more tea in my cup
271 00:19:23,767 00:19:25,405 # Let it all come down # Let it all come down
272 00:19:26,607 00:19:28,563 # Oh, let it all come down # Oh, let it all come down
273 00:19:28,727 00:19:30,558 Watch this. Watch this.
274 00:19:31,047 00:19:34,119 # Toodle langa langa toodle langa I'm in heaven # Toodle langa langa toodle langa I'm in heaven
275 00:19:34,287 00:19:37,324 # Toodle langa langa toodle langa I'm in heaven # Toodle langa langa toodle langa I'm in heaven
276 00:19:37,487 00:19:40,240 # Toodle langa langa toodle langa langa # Toodle langa langa toodle langa langa
277 00:19:42,247 00:19:44,522 # I'm in heaven # I'm in heaven
278 00:19:45,487 00:19:48,240 # I'm in heaven # I'm in heaven
279 00:19:49,167 00:19:51,476 # I'm in heaven # I'm in heaven
280 00:19:52,407 00:19:55,001 # I'm in heaven # I'm in heaven
281 00:19:55,527 00:19:58,678 # When you smile, when you smile # When you smile, when you smile
282 00:19:58,847 00:20:02,078 # When you smile, when you smile # When you smile, when you smile
283 00:20:02,247 00:20:05,398 # And when you walk across that street # And when you walk across that street
284 00:20:05,567 00:20:09,082 # It makes my heart go boom, boom, boom, boom # It makes my heart go boom, boom, boom, boom
285 00:20:15,127 00:20:18,403 # Every time I stop to think about it, # Every time I stop to think about it,
286 00:20:18,567 00:20:21,764 # Well, little child, you simply make my day # Well, little child, you simply make my day
287 00:20:21,927 00:20:23,246 # Let it all come down # Let it all come down
288 00:20:24,367 00:20:27,165 # Oh, let it all come down - watch this # Oh, let it all come down - watch this
289 00:20:28,727 00:20:31,878 # Toodle langa langa toodle langa I'm in heaven # Toodle langa langa toodle langa I'm in heaven
290 00:20:32,047 00:20:35,164 # Toodle langa langa toodle langa I'm in heaven # Toodle langa langa toodle langa I'm in heaven
291 00:20:35,327 00:20:38,842 # Toodle langa langa toodle langa langa # Toodle langa langa toodle langa langa
292 00:20:40,407 00:20:42,762 # I'm in heaven # I'm in heaven
293 00:20:43,687 00:20:46,884 # I'm in heaven # I'm in heaven
294 00:20:47,047 00:20:49,402 # I'm in heaven # I'm in heaven
295 00:20:50,247 00:20:52,886 # I'm in heaven # I'm in heaven
296 00:20:53,527 00:20:56,678 # When you smile, when you smile # When you smile, when you smile
297 00:20:56,847 00:20:59,680 # I'm in heaven # I'm in heaven
298 00:20:59,847 00:21:02,645 # I'm in heaven # I'm in heaven
299 00:21:02,807 00:21:05,799 # I'm in heaven # I'm in heaven
300 00:21:05,967 00:21:09,482 # When you smile, when you smile # # When you smile, when you smile #
301 00:21:28,127 00:21:30,766 Why won't you let me set off the bomb, you bastards? Why won't you let me set off the bomb, you bastards?
302 00:21:33,447 00:21:35,881 No, operator, Gaddafi. No, operator, Gaddafi.
303 00:21:38,007 00:21:43,081 G-A-D...yeah, all right, all right, I'll hang on. G-A-D...yeah, all right, all right, I'll hang on.
304 00:21:43,247 00:21:45,886 Thatcher, Thatcher... Thatcher, Thatcher...
305 00:21:48,887 00:21:50,525 Thatcher! Thatcher!
306 00:21:50,687 00:21:53,679 Typical! She's got about 400 different phone numbers! Typical! She's got about 400 different phone numbers!
307 00:21:53,847 00:21:55,519 Useless! Useless!
308 00:21:57,167 00:22:00,364 Are you gonna be long? I want to start blackmailing Thatcher. Are you gonna be long? I want to start blackmailing Thatcher.
309 00:22:00,527 00:22:04,918 This is going to be bigger than the biggest thing you can think of. This is going to be bigger than the biggest thing you can think of.
310 00:22:06,407 00:22:09,479 I notice you haven't written the call down in the book. I notice you haven't written the call down in the book.
311 00:22:10,127 00:22:12,402 That's interesting, isn't it? That's interesting, isn't it?
312 00:22:12,767 00:22:17,966 This book is for writing down the calls we make. This book is for writing down the calls we make.
313 00:22:18,127 00:22:22,996 I suppose you forgot? How many other times did you conveniently forget? I suppose you forgot? How many other times did you conveniently forget?
314 00:22:23,407 00:22:27,400 Rick, what are you on about, this is a payphone! Rick, what are you on about, this is a payphone!
315 00:22:29,007 00:22:32,158 Well, yes, but it's the principle of the thing... Well, yes, but it's the principle of the thing...
316 00:22:32,327 00:22:34,238 Look at that. Look at that.
317 00:22:34,407 00:22:37,717 What do you mean you haven't got the Libyan phone book? What do you mean you haven't got the Libyan phone book?
318 00:22:38,247 00:22:39,566 You're sick! You're sick!
319 00:22:39,727 00:22:42,366 If people weren't sick, we wouldn't need penicillin. If people weren't sick, we wouldn't need penicillin.
320 00:22:43,687 00:22:45,962 I'm going to the phone box... I'm going to the phone box...
321 00:22:50,287 00:22:52,437 Neil, could you lend me five... What are you doing? Neil, could you lend me five... What are you doing?
322 00:22:52,607 00:22:55,599 Painting myself white to deflect the blast. Painting myself white to deflect the blast.
323 00:22:58,047 00:23:01,198 That's great, isn't it? That's great, isn't it?
324 00:23:01,367 00:23:05,406 Racial discrimination, even in death! Racial discrimination, even in death!
325 00:23:05,567 00:23:08,923 - What are these? - Sandbags - What are these? - Sandbags
326 00:23:10,607 00:23:15,681 - Give me 5p, Neil. - Oh, you remember my name now! - Give me 5p, Neil. - Oh, you remember my name now!
327 00:23:15,847 00:23:18,407 Give me it! Give me it!
328 00:23:19,647 00:23:22,719 Have you got two 2s and a 1? Have you got two 2s and a 1?
329 00:23:23,847 00:23:28,477 - Er, no, I haven't - How do I know I'll get it back? - Er, no, I haven't - How do I know I'll get it back?
330 00:23:28,647 00:23:33,277 I don't wanna seem like a really heavy bread head... I don't wanna seem like a really heavy bread head...
331 00:23:33,447 00:23:36,598 But, like...5p is 5p. But, like...5p is 5p.
332 00:23:36,767 00:23:39,440 It's important to me, that's enough! It's important to me, that's enough!
333 00:23:39,607 00:23:45,079 You're putting me in a difficult situation. I'd like to... You're putting me in a difficult situation. I'd like to...
334 00:23:45,607 00:23:47,916 All right, Neil, shut up. All right, Neil, shut up.
335 00:23:48,767 00:23:53,522 Will you lend it to me...if I promise to be your slave tomorrow? Will you lend it to me...if I promise to be your slave tomorrow?
336 00:23:54,047 00:23:56,607 Yeah, that sounds like a good deal. Yeah, that sounds like a good deal.
337 00:23:57,207 00:23:59,675 Tough luck, buster! Tough luck, buster!
338 00:24:01,167 00:24:05,683 I had my fingers crossed behind my back! I had my fingers crossed behind my back!
339 00:24:06,927 00:24:10,636 I won't say anything 'cause no one listens to me. I won't say anything 'cause no one listens to me.
340 00:24:10,807 00:24:14,402 I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.
341 00:24:20,527 00:24:24,315 You're sending someone round? Right. You're sending someone round? Right.
342 00:24:26,647 00:24:28,842 - All right? - Reggie Balowski! - All right? - Reggie Balowski!
343 00:24:29,007 00:24:31,646 All right, me old trout and toolbox? All right, me old trout and toolbox?
344 00:24:31,807 00:24:38,042 Reggie Balowski, arms dealer, scrap merchant and cabaret chanteuse. Reggie Balowski, arms dealer, scrap merchant and cabaret chanteuse.
345 00:24:38,927 00:24:42,203 Is that the atom bomb, eh? Is that the atom bomb, eh?
346 00:24:42,367 00:24:44,562 Ooh, nah! Ooh, nah!
347 00:24:45,007 00:24:48,363 Not in that colour, know what I mean? Not in that colour, know what I mean?
348 00:24:49,007 00:24:52,079 To me, that's worth a pony, y'know. To me, that's worth a pony, y'know.
349 00:24:52,247 00:24:55,125 Coupla tortoises at the most. Coupla tortoises at the most.
350 00:24:55,287 00:24:59,917 If you was doin' part-ex on a Mini Metro... If you was doin' part-ex on a Mini Metro...
351 00:25:00,087 00:25:05,161 I'd take about nine million off yer 'ands but I can't help you. I'd take about nine million off yer 'ands but I can't help you.
352 00:25:05,327 00:25:08,558 I got a few minutes, might as well indulge in a bit of Cockney patois. I got a few minutes, might as well indulge in a bit of Cockney patois.
353 00:25:08,727 00:25:12,322 Cor blimey, knock it on the 'ead, do what, as it 'appens! Cor blimey, knock it on the 'ead, do what, as it 'appens!
354 00:25:12,487 00:25:18,039 Terrific! 'Ere, didn't you kill my brother? Nah, must've been me, then, sorry. Terrific! 'Ere, didn't you kill my brother? Nah, must've been me, then, sorry.
355 00:25:18,207 00:25:24,282 Seen them inflatable bridges? Amazing! Skateboards, thing of the past! Seen them inflatable bridges? Amazing! Skateboards, thing of the past!
356 00:25:24,447 00:25:28,360 Do leave off, knock it on the 'ead, I don't know who I am! Do leave off, knock it on the 'ead, I don't know who I am!
357 00:25:28,527 00:25:31,758 Laugh? I nearly went to Ethiopia! Laugh? I nearly went to Ethiopia!
358 00:25:32,327 00:25:36,081 Second-class, of course! Know what I mean? Second-class, of course! Know what I mean?
359 00:25:36,247 00:25:38,238 Not really, no. Not really, no.
360 00:25:38,407 00:25:41,205 You're a right little five-speed gearbox! You're a right little five-speed gearbox!
361 00:25:41,367 00:25:47,044 Tell you what, come outside, I'll do you part-ex on a Reliant. Tell you what, come outside, I'll do you part-ex on a Reliant.
362 00:25:47,207 00:25:51,598 All right, I'll just get me coat. That's a three-wheeler, innit? All right, I'll just get me coat. That's a three-wheeler, innit?
363 00:25:51,767 00:25:54,201 (REGGIE) Usually, yeah, yeah. (REGGIE) Usually, yeah, yeah.
364 00:26:07,367 00:26:10,325 You know who'll get blamed for this? The kids! You know who'll get blamed for this? The kids!
365 00:26:10,487 00:26:13,365 Good! That'll stop them raping old ladies! Good! That'll stop them raping old ladies!
366 00:26:18,407 00:26:20,284 Oh, hi, there! Oh, hi, there!
367 00:26:20,447 00:26:22,324 Glad you could make it. Glad you could make it.
368 00:26:22,487 00:26:26,036 I'll be with you in just one moment. I'll be with you in just one moment.
369 00:26:28,687 00:26:30,757 (LOUD CANNED LAUGHTER) (LOUD CANNED LAUGHTER)
370 00:26:30,927 00:26:35,717 Oh, darn, you should've been here earlier! I holed in one! Oh, darn, you should've been here earlier! I holed in one!
371 00:26:36,327 00:26:40,764 Mind you, I was playing pinball in the clubhouse! Mind you, I was playing pinball in the clubhouse!
372 00:26:40,927 00:26:42,326 (CANNED LAUGHTER) (CANNED LAUGHTER)
373 00:26:42,487 00:26:47,242 - You see where my ball went? - Oh, here comes trouble! - You see where my ball went? - Oh, here comes trouble!
374 00:26:48,687 00:26:51,918 Chinese food, huh? Hey, Dino! Chinese food, huh? Hey, Dino!
375 00:26:52,087 00:26:53,805 Dicky! Dicky!
376 00:26:54,607 00:26:57,280 I haven't seen this guy since rehearsal! I haven't seen this guy since rehearsal!
377 00:26:57,447 00:27:00,962 Hey, I didn't know you'd taken up golf! Hey, I didn't know you'd taken up golf!
378 00:27:01,127 00:27:02,765 My coach says I haven't. My coach says I haven't.
379 00:27:03,687 00:27:08,283 - Yet! - You got a coach? Frank, pull me up! - Yet! - You got a coach? Frank, pull me up!
380 00:27:09,687 00:27:13,236 Oh, come on, Dickie, are we gonna play golf or who? Oh, come on, Dickie, are we gonna play golf or who?
381 00:27:13,407 00:27:17,719 Hey, sieg heil! Hey, Marsha, take a hike! Hey, sieg heil! Hey, Marsha, take a hike!
382 00:27:18,047 00:27:20,720 I gotta tell you this, Dickie... I gotta tell you this, Dickie...
383 00:27:20,887 00:27:24,084 I was with Bob and Frank the other day... I was with Bob and Frank the other day...
384 00:27:24,247 00:27:29,241 - I got a birdie on the 14th. - Well, why, Dino that's terrific! - I got a birdie on the 14th. - Well, why, Dino that's terrific!
385 00:27:29,407 00:27:32,877 Yeah. But I was driving for the tenth! Yeah. But I was driving for the tenth!
386 00:27:34,127 00:27:37,915 Remember that song you used to sing before you got shot in the neck? Remember that song you used to sing before you got shot in the neck?
387 00:27:38,087 00:27:42,160 You wanna sing that here, on my show? You wanna sing that here, on my show?
388 00:27:42,327 00:27:45,637 Dino, I'd love to but...I never sing in slacks. Dino, I'd love to but...I never sing in slacks.
389 00:27:45,807 00:27:49,766 No problem. With a little Dino magic... No problem. With a little Dino magic...
390 00:27:55,847 00:27:58,156 How does he do that? How does he do that?
391 00:28:13,447 00:28:16,120 Hey, Dino, I understand you have a dog. Hey, Dino, I understand you have a dog.
392 00:28:16,287 00:28:20,075 - That is right. - What do you do with him these days? - That is right. - What do you do with him these days?
393 00:28:20,247 00:28:24,160 # I'm tyin' my dog to the railroad track # I'm tyin' my dog to the railroad track
394 00:28:24,327 00:28:27,763 # Choo-choo train's gonna break his back # Choo-choo train's gonna break his back
395 00:28:27,927 00:28:32,125 - # We used to call him Spot - # Ye-heh but now he's called Splat! - # We used to call him Spot - # Ye-heh but now he's called Splat!
396 00:28:32,287 00:28:35,996 # That's the kind of person we are # That's the kind of person we are
397 00:28:36,167 00:28:40,843 # Oh, baby, won't ya come home with me? # # Oh, baby, won't ya come home with me? #
398 00:28:44,047 00:28:46,481 (APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE)
399 00:28:54,047 00:28:56,402 (RECEPTIONIST) Next, please. (RECEPTIONIST) Next, please.
400 00:28:58,047 00:28:59,719 Typical! Typical!
401 00:29:02,047 00:29:06,165 Come on! There's other people in this queue! Come on! There's other people in this queue!
402 00:29:06,567 00:29:09,764 The service here gets worse and worse, don't you think? The service here gets worse and worse, don't you think?
403 00:29:09,927 00:29:15,320 Aye, lad, things were different before these new-fangled changes. Aye, lad, things were different before these new-fangled changes.
404 00:29:15,487 00:29:21,278 - Of course, you senile old git! - I was only agreeing with you... - Of course, you senile old git! - I was only agreeing with you...
405 00:29:21,447 00:29:26,043 Yes, I suppose things were marvellous in the good old days (!) Yes, I suppose things were marvellous in the good old days (!)
406 00:29:26,207 00:29:32,521 Four-year-old kiddies digging coal. Three-year-old kiddies...also digging... Four-year-old kiddies digging coal. Three-year-old kiddies...also digging...
407 00:29:32,687 00:29:38,717 I suppose you think that was terrific! I think old people are really boring! I suppose you think that was terrific! I think old people are really boring!
408 00:29:38,887 00:29:43,836 And the only reason you don't understand our music is that you don't like it! And the only reason you don't understand our music is that you don't like it!
409 00:29:47,527 00:29:50,803 It's no wonder the country is in such a state! It's no wonder the country is in such a state!
410 00:29:50,967 00:29:54,198 Why not hand the whole place over to Oxfam? Why not hand the whole place over to Oxfam?
411 00:29:54,367 00:29:57,598 It's all scroungers and old people! It's all scroungers and old people!
412 00:29:57,767 00:30:02,682 All clutching their Giros trying to get something for nothing. All clutching their Giros trying to get something for nothing.
413 00:30:02,847 00:30:07,523 The Post Office is good at handing out other people's money! The Post Office is good at handing out other people's money!
414 00:30:07,687 00:30:09,837 No wonder my grant's so small! No wonder my grant's so small!
415 00:30:10,007 00:30:12,202 There'll soon be rows of Biafran children There'll soon be rows of Biafran children
416 00:30:12,367 00:30:16,121 queuing up for bowls of millet before they become Communists! queuing up for bowls of millet before they become Communists!
417 00:30:16,287 00:30:20,360 - Excuse me! Hello. - Can I help you? - Excuse me! Hello. - Can I help you?
418 00:30:20,527 00:30:24,236 That depends what I want! Ha! Completely over her head. That depends what I want! Ha! Completely over her head.
419 00:30:24,407 00:30:26,398 I want to send a telegram! I want to send a telegram!
420 00:30:27,167 00:30:33,959 If you fill this in, I can serve the gentleman behind you. If you fill this in, I can serve the gentleman behind you.
421 00:30:34,127 00:30:37,722 - Wait! He's behind me! - Yes, but you've... - Wait! He's behind me! - Yes, but you've...
422 00:30:37,887 00:30:41,926 I had to wait. Why can't he? I had to wait. Why can't he?
423 00:30:42,087 00:30:47,002 - I just want to hand that in... - Wait a minute! I won't be long. - I just want to hand that in... - Wait a minute! I won't be long.
424 00:30:47,767 00:30:51,999 ''Thatcher, we've got a bomb...'' (RECEPTIONIST COUGHS) ''Thatcher, we've got a bomb...'' (RECEPTIONIST COUGHS)
425 00:30:53,607 00:30:59,125 Do you mind? I'm trying to write. ''Do what we want or we'll blow it up.'' Do you mind? I'm trying to write. ''Do what we want or we'll blow it up.''
426 00:31:00,367 00:31:04,883 ''Signed, Anon.'' Huh! See? Didn't take very long. ''Signed, Anon.'' Huh! See? Didn't take very long.
427 00:31:05,047 00:31:08,278 - Name and address, dear. - You put them on! - Name and address, dear. - You put them on!
428 00:31:08,447 00:31:13,646 Rick, 15 Credibility Street. That's Rick... Rick, 15 Credibility Street. That's Rick...
429 00:31:13,807 00:31:16,685 - Wick? - Forget it, put Neil. - Wick? - Forget it, put Neil.
430 00:31:16,847 00:31:20,044 Yes, put Neil! It's my surname. Yes, put Neil! It's my surname.
431 00:31:20,807 00:31:25,119 OK, Mr Neil, thanks. By the way, you're in the wrong place. OK, Mr Neil, thanks. By the way, you're in the wrong place.
432 00:31:25,287 00:31:28,836 This is the DHSS. If you want to send a telegram, This is the DHSS. If you want to send a telegram,
433 00:31:29,007 00:31:31,680 - go to the Post Office. - FASCIST! - go to the Post Office. - FASCIST!
434 00:31:33,887 00:31:37,846 OK, Neil...where's the table? OK, Neil...where's the table?
435 00:31:39,247 00:31:43,081 Oh, hi, Mike. You got the provisions? Great. Oh, hi, Mike. You got the provisions? Great.
436 00:31:43,247 00:31:48,719 John Lennon once said, ''A man with an armful of takeaways John Lennon once said, ''A man with an armful of takeaways
437 00:31:48,887 00:31:53,085 ''is either very hungry or knows someone who's very hungry.'' ''is either very hungry or knows someone who's very hungry.''
438 00:31:54,847 00:32:01,002 Mike says a man with both arms full has warm grease running up both sleeves. Mike says a man with both arms full has warm grease running up both sleeves.
439 00:32:01,167 00:32:05,160 I've been trying to sell our bomb to all the undercover agents in town. I've been trying to sell our bomb to all the undercover agents in town.
440 00:32:05,327 00:32:10,560 The CIA are interested...the Mafia's interested... The CIA are interested...the Mafia's interested...
441 00:32:11,087 00:32:12,918 and the Chinese are keen. and the Chinese are keen.
442 00:32:13,087 00:32:17,080 Not on the roof, man! Put it in the food zone. Not on the roof, man! Put it in the food zone.
443 00:32:17,847 00:32:21,123 It's got to be tinned to last ten years of fallout. It's got to be tinned to last ten years of fallout.
444 00:32:21,287 00:32:27,317 I'm expecting the world to start bidding any second. I'm expecting the world to start bidding any second.
445 00:32:27,487 00:32:30,445 They'd better hurry up, 'cause Vyvyan's escaped. They'd better hurry up, 'cause Vyvyan's escaped.
446 00:32:39,647 00:32:41,285 Missed! Missed!
447 00:32:45,207 00:32:47,323 Well, that's that done! Well, that's that done!
448 00:32:47,487 00:32:52,607 This time tomorrow, there'll be no more social prejudice or hatred! This time tomorrow, there'll be no more social prejudice or hatred!
449 00:32:52,767 00:32:55,406 Get up, Neil, I hate you! Get up, Neil, I hate you!
450 00:32:55,567 00:32:59,606 - Done what? - Yeah, done what, hippie? - Done what? - Yeah, done what, hippie?
451 00:33:00,447 00:33:05,805 Told Thatcher about our bomb, you bunch of lavatory bowls! Told Thatcher about our bomb, you bunch of lavatory bowls!
452 00:33:05,967 00:33:10,324 - I'm dealing with the bomb. - You? You hypocritical Nazi! - I'm dealing with the bomb. - You? You hypocritical Nazi!
453 00:33:10,487 00:33:16,005 - Oh, shut up! - Shut up yourself. The whole thing's... - Oh, shut up! - Shut up yourself. The whole thing's...
454 00:33:16,407 00:33:18,796 (LOUD TICKING) (LOUD TICKING)
455 00:33:19,287 00:33:21,278 (NEIL) Oh, no! (NEIL) Oh, no!
456 00:33:23,407 00:33:27,798 - This could be very heavy for all of us. - What are we gonna do, Mike? - This could be very heavy for all of us. - What are we gonna do, Mike?
457 00:33:27,967 00:33:32,119 Mike stays steady as a rock while all around him is chaos. Mike stays steady as a rock while all around him is chaos.
458 00:33:32,287 00:33:35,040 He checks his reflection. That's good. He checks his reflection. That's good.
459 00:33:35,647 00:33:38,241 That's very good. That's the only way to go. That's very good. That's the only way to go.
460 00:33:38,407 00:33:41,365 I hope this isn't a dud. I hope this isn't a dud.
461 00:33:41,527 00:33:45,998 I know! Drape Neil over it! It might cover up the blast! I know! Drape Neil over it! It might cover up the blast!
462 00:33:46,167 00:33:49,284 No time! Under the shelter! No time! Under the shelter!
463 00:33:53,807 00:33:57,163 I've got a gun and I'm not afraid to use it! I've got a gun and I'm not afraid to use it!
464 00:33:58,527 00:34:00,836 (ALL SHOUT) (ALL SHOUT)
465 00:34:14,967 00:34:17,197 ""Up, up, and awayI"" ""Up, up, and awayI""