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# | Start | End | Original | Translated |
---|---|---|---|---|
1 | 00:00:02,614 | 00:00:05,208 | # Once in every lifetime | # Once in every lifetime |
2 | 00:00:05,374 | 00:00:07,285 | # Comes a love like this | # Comes a love like this |
3 | 00:00:07,454 | 00:00:10,366 | # I need you, you need me | # I need you, you need me |
4 | 00:00:10,534 | 00:00:13,048 | # Oh, my darling, can't you see? | # Oh, my darling, can't you see? |
5 | 00:00:15,174 | 00:00:18,052 | # Darling, we're the Young Ones | # Darling, we're the Young Ones |
6 | 00:00:18,214 | 00:00:20,330 | # The Young Ones | # The Young Ones |
7 | 00:00:20,494 | 00:00:23,372 | # (RICK) Shouldn't be afraid | # (RICK) Shouldn't be afraid |
8 | 00:00:23,534 | 00:00:25,286 | # To live | # To live |
9 | 00:00:25,454 | 00:00:26,773 | # Love | # Love |
10 | 00:00:26,934 | 00:00:28,811 | # There's a song to be sung | # There's a song to be sung |
11 | 00:00:28,974 | 00:00:31,442 | # 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones | # 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones |
12 | 00:00:31,614 | 00:00:33,286 | # Very long... # | # Very long... # |
13 | 00:00:58,134 | 00:01:01,126 | Huh? I'll see you, Jimmy. | Huh? I'll see you, Jimmy. |
14 | 00:01:01,294 | 00:01:04,331 | - I've got the seven of spades. - You rat! | - I've got the seven of spades. - You rat! |
15 | 00:01:04,494 | 00:01:06,962 | I'm a mouse. Ha-ha! | I'm a mouse. Ha-ha! |
16 | 00:01:09,734 | 00:01:12,567 | (DANCE MUSIC) | (DANCE MUSIC) |
17 | 00:01:28,894 | 00:01:31,488 | (COCK CROWS) | (COCK CROWS) |
18 | 00:01:45,174 | 00:01:47,165 | (BANGING AND CRASHING) | (BANGING AND CRASHING) |
19 | 00:01:47,334 | 00:01:50,053 | (NEIL) Morning has broken. | (NEIL) Morning has broken. |
20 | 00:01:50,214 | 00:01:52,170 | She loves me. | She loves me. |
21 | 00:01:54,294 | 00:01:56,285 | She loves me lots. | She loves me lots. |
22 | 00:01:57,454 | 00:01:59,445 | She loves me. | She loves me. |
23 | 00:02:00,134 | 00:02:01,931 | She loves me lots. | She loves me lots. |
24 | 00:02:02,094 | 00:02:05,370 | Well, I've finished the new car competition. | Well, I've finished the new car competition. |
25 | 00:02:05,534 | 00:02:07,525 | I'm gonna win a Ford Tippex. | I'm gonna win a Ford Tippex. |
26 | 00:02:09,294 | 00:02:10,727 | It's easy, really. | It's easy, really. |
27 | 00:02:10,894 | 00:02:17,493 | All you've got to do is match up six famous noses with six famous bogeys. | All you've got to do is match up six famous noses with six famous bogeys. |
28 | 00:02:20,934 | 00:02:22,890 | Thought that'd shock you. | Thought that'd shock you. |
29 | 00:02:23,054 | 00:02:26,683 | It's not true, 'cause then you've got to say in ten words | It's not true, 'cause then you've got to say in ten words |
30 | 00:02:26,854 | 00:02:30,051 | what cornflakes mean to you, so I put: | what cornflakes mean to you, so I put: |
31 | 00:02:30,214 | 00:02:32,091 | ''Cornflakes. | ''Cornflakes. |
32 | 00:02:32,254 | 00:02:33,733 | ''Cornflakes. | ''Cornflakes. |
33 | 00:02:33,894 | 00:02:36,533 | ''Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes. | ''Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes. |
34 | 00:02:36,694 | 00:02:40,607 | ''Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes.'' | ''Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes.'' |
35 | 00:02:40,774 | 00:02:42,890 | Pathetic! | Pathetic! |
36 | 00:02:43,814 | 00:02:46,203 | - You'll never win, Vyvyan. - Why not? | - You'll never win, Vyvyan. - Why not? |
37 | 00:02:46,374 | 00:02:48,683 | There's only nine words. | There's only nine words. |
38 | 00:02:48,854 | 00:02:51,846 | Oh, yeah... Cornflakes. | Oh, yeah... Cornflakes. |
39 | 00:02:52,494 | 00:02:55,691 | You'll still never win. Nothing interesting ever happens to us. | You'll still never win. Nothing interesting ever happens to us. |
40 | 00:02:55,854 | 00:02:59,164 | - Stop being so boring, Rick. - That's nice! | - Stop being so boring, Rick. - That's nice! |
41 | 00:02:59,334 | 00:03:02,849 | That's very nice, coming from someone as boring as you! | That's very nice, coming from someone as boring as you! |
42 | 00:03:03,014 | 00:03:07,405 | Can you two stop hassling each other? I'm getting bored of it. | Can you two stop hassling each other? I'm getting bored of it. |
43 | 00:03:07,574 | 00:03:10,293 | Oh, dear me! Neil's getting bored. | Oh, dear me! Neil's getting bored. |
44 | 00:03:10,454 | 00:03:13,571 | Boring Neil's getting a taste of his own medicine. | Boring Neil's getting a taste of his own medicine. |
45 | 00:03:13,734 | 00:03:17,647 | Listen, we're overdoing the boredom motif in this conversation. | Listen, we're overdoing the boredom motif in this conversation. |
46 | 00:03:17,814 | 00:03:20,374 | It's time to extend our vocabulary. | It's time to extend our vocabulary. |
47 | 00:03:20,534 | 00:03:24,447 | - All I said... - Yeah, we heard and it was boring. | - All I said... - Yeah, we heard and it was boring. |
48 | 00:03:24,614 | 00:03:27,174 | - We decided... - YOU decided, Michael! | - We decided... - YOU decided, Michael! |
49 | 00:03:27,334 | 00:03:29,928 | Guys! Guys! | Guys! Guys! |
50 | 00:03:30,614 | 00:03:32,286 | Look at us, | Look at us, |
51 | 00:03:32,454 | 00:03:34,365 | squabbling, | squabbling, |
52 | 00:03:34,534 | 00:03:36,411 | bickering, | bickering, |
53 | 00:03:36,574 | 00:03:38,565 | like children. | like children. |
54 | 00:03:38,734 | 00:03:40,645 | What's happening to us? | What's happening to us? |
55 | 00:03:40,814 | 00:03:44,011 | We never used to be like this. | We never used to be like this. |
56 | 00:03:44,174 | 00:03:46,734 | Yes, we did. | Yes, we did. |
57 | 00:03:46,894 | 00:03:49,169 | He's right, we've always been like this. | He's right, we've always been like this. |
58 | 00:03:49,334 | 00:03:53,293 | Well, yes, I know, but... But that's exactly my point. | Well, yes, I know, but... But that's exactly my point. |
59 | 00:03:53,454 | 00:03:56,491 | Nothing ever changes, nothing ever happens to us. | Nothing ever changes, nothing ever happens to us. |
60 | 00:03:58,334 | 00:04:00,450 | Monopoly? | Monopoly? |
61 | 00:04:00,614 | 00:04:01,933 | Yes. | Yes. |
62 | 00:04:03,814 | 00:04:06,453 | The Old Kent Road, that's mine. Pay up! | The Old Kent Road, that's mine. Pay up! |
63 | 00:04:06,614 | 00:04:11,529 | All right, I think the Mike Exchequer can handle a debt of �4. | All right, I think the Mike Exchequer can handle a debt of �4. |
64 | 00:04:11,694 | 00:04:15,607 | Wouldn't it be amazing if all this money was real? | Wouldn't it be amazing if all this money was real? |
65 | 00:04:17,014 | 00:04:20,245 | That is the single most predictable and boring thing | That is the single most predictable and boring thing |
66 | 00:04:20,414 | 00:04:23,008 | anybody could say whilst playing Monopoly! | anybody could say whilst playing Monopoly! |
67 | 00:04:23,694 | 00:04:26,254 | What about saying ''Vyvyan''? That's pretty boring! | What about saying ''Vyvyan''? That's pretty boring! |
68 | 00:04:26,414 | 00:04:29,963 | ''You have won second prize in a beauty contest, | ''You have won second prize in a beauty contest, |
69 | 00:04:30,134 | 00:04:33,251 | ''smash Rick over the head with the bank.'' | ''smash Rick over the head with the bank.'' |
70 | 00:04:35,254 | 00:04:37,370 | It did not say that, Vyvyan's cheating! | It did not say that, Vyvyan's cheating! |
71 | 00:04:39,254 | 00:04:41,290 | No, that's exactly what it says. | No, that's exactly what it says. |
72 | 00:04:41,454 | 00:04:44,844 | In biro! In biro over the top of the print! | In biro! In biro over the top of the print! |
73 | 00:04:46,054 | 00:04:49,012 | But we changed the rules 'cause it's so boring! | But we changed the rules 'cause it's so boring! |
74 | 00:04:49,174 | 00:04:53,133 | ''Congratulations, it's your birthday. You may set fire to Rick's bed.'' | ''Congratulations, it's your birthday. You may set fire to Rick's bed.'' |
75 | 00:04:53,294 | 00:04:54,613 | Good one! | Good one! |
76 | 00:04:55,174 | 00:05:01,170 | ''Get out of jail free. Keep this card or stick it up Rick's bottom.'' | ''Get out of jail free. Keep this card or stick it up Rick's bottom.'' |
77 | 00:05:01,334 | 00:05:05,213 | - Vyvyan, you've ruined the game! - I was bored! | - Vyvyan, you've ruined the game! - I was bored! |
78 | 00:05:05,374 | 00:05:06,693 | That's nothing. | That's nothing. |
79 | 00:05:06,854 | 00:05:11,370 | Neil's so bored, he's gone to the garden to kill himself. And it's his go! | Neil's so bored, he's gone to the garden to kill himself. And it's his go! |
80 | 00:05:19,054 | 00:05:21,284 | You're a spade. | You're a spade. |
81 | 00:05:21,454 | 00:05:23,843 | I always call him that. | I always call him that. |
82 | 00:05:29,534 | 00:05:31,764 | From Monopoly to the grave, | From Monopoly to the grave, |
83 | 00:05:31,934 | 00:05:36,007 | the most interesting thing that ever happens to me is sneezing. | the most interesting thing that ever happens to me is sneezing. |
84 | 00:05:36,174 | 00:05:39,610 | - I wish I was Magnus Magnusson. - Hey, Neil! | - I wish I was Magnus Magnusson. - Hey, Neil! |
85 | 00:05:39,774 | 00:05:42,732 | (MIKE) Monopoly passes the time at Christmas... | (MIKE) Monopoly passes the time at Christmas... |
86 | 00:05:42,894 | 00:05:46,250 | - ..but I'm not waiting that long. - No, it's all right. | - ..but I'm not waiting that long. - No, it's all right. |
87 | 00:05:46,414 | 00:05:51,647 | I'm just digging a grave. I won't kill myself today, but... | I'm just digging a grave. I won't kill myself today, but... |
88 | 00:05:51,814 | 00:05:54,567 | ..it's just in case, y'know? | ..it's just in case, y'know? |
89 | 00:06:02,014 | 00:06:05,006 | (LAUGHTER AND EXCITEMENT, FUNFAIR MUSIC) | (LAUGHTER AND EXCITEMENT, FUNFAIR MUSIC) |
90 | 00:06:05,854 | 00:06:10,484 | Living in a world where nothing boring ever happens | Living in a world where nothing boring ever happens |
91 | 00:06:10,654 | 00:06:13,771 | can be a real pisser! | can be a real pisser! |
92 | 00:06:14,374 | 00:06:18,765 | Sire, the man in the time machine has just returned | Sire, the man in the time machine has just returned |
93 | 00:06:18,934 | 00:06:22,051 | with the actual video of the birth of Christ. | with the actual video of the birth of Christ. |
94 | 00:06:22,214 | 00:06:25,365 | - Would you care to...? - Not now, minion! | - Would you care to...? - Not now, minion! |
95 | 00:06:25,534 | 00:06:30,562 | Also, next door the Rolling Stones are making a new album, | Also, next door the Rolling Stones are making a new album, |
96 | 00:06:30,734 | 00:06:35,285 | while two hippopotamus make love underneath the piano. | while two hippopotamus make love underneath the piano. |
97 | 00:06:35,454 | 00:06:41,324 | The King is bored shitless with interesting things, minion. | The King is bored shitless with interesting things, minion. |
98 | 00:06:41,494 | 00:06:44,372 | And so am I. | And so am I. |
99 | 00:06:44,934 | 00:06:47,528 | What I want is to meet someone | What I want is to meet someone |
100 | 00:06:47,694 | 00:06:53,485 | who is totally and utterly mind-numbingly boring. | who is totally and utterly mind-numbingly boring. |
101 | 00:06:54,254 | 00:06:56,893 | But I suppose I never will. | But I suppose I never will. |
102 | 00:06:57,694 | 00:07:00,367 | (DEEP MELANCHOLY SIGH) | (DEEP MELANCHOLY SIGH) |
103 | 00:07:06,294 | 00:07:09,411 | I suppose it's because I'm so boring | I suppose it's because I'm so boring |
104 | 00:07:09,574 | 00:07:12,566 | that I never get to meet any interesting people. | that I never get to meet any interesting people. |
105 | 00:07:14,054 | 00:07:18,650 | So you've decided to come in, Neil. We finished Monopoly, and you lost! | So you've decided to come in, Neil. We finished Monopoly, and you lost! |
106 | 00:07:18,814 | 00:07:21,567 | Oh, I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did. | Oh, I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did. |
107 | 00:07:21,734 | 00:07:23,964 | (BANGING AT THE FRONT DOOR) | (BANGING AT THE FRONT DOOR) |
108 | 00:07:24,854 | 00:07:27,652 | - Someone at the door, Rick. - Someone at the door, Vyvyan. | - Someone at the door, Rick. - Someone at the door, Vyvyan. |
109 | 00:07:27,814 | 00:07:30,374 | - Someone at the door, Neil. - Someone at the door, Mike. | - Someone at the door, Neil. - Someone at the door, Mike. |
110 | 00:07:30,534 | 00:07:33,332 | I know! (HARDER BANGING AT THE DOOR) | I know! (HARDER BANGING AT THE DOOR) |
111 | 00:07:33,494 | 00:07:38,170 | - Someone at the door, Rick! - Someone at the door, Vyvyan! | - Someone at the door, Rick! - Someone at the door, Vyvyan! |
112 | 00:07:38,334 | 00:07:43,647 | - Someone at the door, Mike! - Someone at the door, Neil...? | - Someone at the door, Mike! - Someone at the door, Neil...? |
113 | 00:07:44,974 | 00:07:46,965 | Don't look at me, I'm in Paris. | Don't look at me, I'm in Paris. |
114 | 00:07:48,414 | 00:07:52,692 | - You haven't left the house all day. - You ever heard of cloning? | - You haven't left the house all day. - You ever heard of cloning? |
115 | 00:07:52,854 | 00:07:55,288 | - No! - Would you swear to that? | - No! - Would you swear to that? |
116 | 00:07:55,454 | 00:07:58,810 | Certainly, if that's what you want. | Certainly, if that's what you want. |
117 | 00:07:58,974 | 00:08:01,204 | Big jobs! | Big jobs! |
118 | 00:08:02,334 | 00:08:03,653 | Ow! | Ow! |
119 | 00:08:03,814 | 00:08:05,133 | (MORE BANGING) | (MORE BANGING) |
120 | 00:08:05,294 | 00:08:08,172 | Hey, guys. Great idea, listen. | Hey, guys. Great idea, listen. |
121 | 00:08:08,334 | 00:08:13,124 | Listen, why don't we decide who's gonna answer the door, | Listen, why don't we decide who's gonna answer the door, |
122 | 00:08:13,294 | 00:08:17,253 | and then that person can go and answer it, | and then that person can go and answer it, |
123 | 00:08:17,414 | 00:08:20,963 | and find out who it is and who they want to see, | and find out who it is and who they want to see, |
124 | 00:08:21,134 | 00:08:27,607 | come back in here and tell whoever it is that there's someone to see them. | come back in here and tell whoever it is that there's someone to see them. |
125 | 00:08:28,134 | 00:08:30,364 | - Neil, do me a favour. - What? | - Neil, do me a favour. - What? |
126 | 00:08:30,534 | 00:08:32,923 | Die! | Die! |
127 | 00:08:33,094 | 00:08:36,803 | I suppose I'll have to answer it as usual. | I suppose I'll have to answer it as usual. |
128 | 00:08:43,854 | 00:08:46,687 | All right? Somebody call a taxi? | All right? Somebody call a taxi? |
129 | 00:08:46,854 | 00:08:49,527 | Billy Balowski! Who needs pleasure? | Billy Balowski! Who needs pleasure? |
130 | 00:08:49,694 | 00:08:54,484 | - Hello, Billy. How are the trees? - Who called a taxi? | - Hello, Billy. How are the trees? - Who called a taxi? |
131 | 00:08:54,654 | 00:08:57,293 | You got a message from Mr Balowski? | You got a message from Mr Balowski? |
132 | 00:08:57,454 | 00:09:01,891 | - I'm Mr Balowski! - No, your brother Jerzei's message. | - I'm Mr Balowski! - No, your brother Jerzei's message. |
133 | 00:09:02,054 | 00:09:07,003 | Got a piece of paper. Whoever called the taxi can have the message. | Got a piece of paper. Whoever called the taxi can have the message. |
134 | 00:09:07,814 | 00:09:10,453 | All right, all right... I called a taxi. | All right, all right... I called a taxi. |
135 | 00:09:10,614 | 00:09:12,730 | Okey-dokey, where do you want to go? | Okey-dokey, where do you want to go? |
136 | 00:09:13,374 | 00:09:18,767 | - I don't want to go anywhere! - Why did you call a taxi, then? | - I don't want to go anywhere! - Why did you call a taxi, then? |
137 | 00:09:18,934 | 00:09:22,085 | I had to come all the way from Brazil for this! | I had to come all the way from Brazil for this! |
138 | 00:09:22,254 | 00:09:25,405 | They'll stop my wages! Know how much I earn? | They'll stop my wages! Know how much I earn? |
139 | 00:09:25,574 | 00:09:28,327 | I can't even afford new shoelaces! | I can't even afford new shoelaces! |
140 | 00:09:28,494 | 00:09:31,213 | It's a good job you're not a taxi driver, then! | It's a good job you're not a taxi driver, then! |
141 | 00:09:31,374 | 00:09:36,209 | - Good job I'm wearing Wellingtons! - Look! Just give us the note! | - Good job I'm wearing Wellingtons! - Look! Just give us the note! |
142 | 00:09:37,774 | 00:09:41,210 | - I'm thirsty. - It's in the cupboard. | - I'm thirsty. - It's in the cupboard. |
143 | 00:09:51,494 | 00:09:54,406 | No, not the goldfish! | No, not the goldfish! |
144 | 00:09:54,574 | 00:09:56,485 | (SLURPING NOISES) | (SLURPING NOISES) |
145 | 00:09:57,254 | 00:10:01,293 | A-hem! Don't worry, goldfish everywhere! | A-hem! Don't worry, goldfish everywhere! |
146 | 00:10:01,454 | 00:10:04,730 | I'm in fact a stunt goldfish. | I'm in fact a stunt goldfish. |
147 | 00:10:04,894 | 00:10:07,931 | In fact, by the time this programme comes out, | In fact, by the time this programme comes out, |
148 | 00:10:08,094 | 00:10:11,484 | I'll be doing the new James Bond film. | I'll be doing the new James Bond film. |
149 | 00:10:11,654 | 00:10:13,884 | So there's no need to write in. | So there's no need to write in. |
150 | 00:10:14,054 | 00:10:16,329 | Sure, they never read the letters anyway! | Sure, they never read the letters anyway! |
151 | 00:10:18,854 | 00:10:20,173 | (LOUD BELCH) | (LOUD BELCH) |
152 | 00:10:22,734 | 00:10:25,373 | Oh, hello, pussycat! | Oh, hello, pussycat! |
153 | 00:10:25,534 | 00:10:27,445 | Here's your Uncle Billy. | Here's your Uncle Billy. |
154 | 00:10:27,614 | 00:10:29,605 | What you doing in a bucket? | What you doing in a bucket? |
155 | 00:10:29,774 | 00:10:32,049 | Come on, let's play Daleks! | Come on, let's play Daleks! |
156 | 00:10:32,214 | 00:10:34,284 | Exterminate! Exterminate! | Exterminate! Exterminate! |
157 | 00:10:34,454 | 00:10:36,524 | Exterminate! Exterminate! | Exterminate! Exterminate! |
158 | 00:10:36,694 | 00:10:39,288 | 'Ere, look, what am I now? | 'Ere, look, what am I now? |
159 | 00:10:39,454 | 00:10:41,729 | Come on, quick, quick! | Come on, quick, quick! |
160 | 00:10:41,894 | 00:10:43,805 | A pain in the arse? | A pain in the arse? |
161 | 00:10:43,974 | 00:10:47,649 | No, I'm a hairbrush! OK, let's try another one. | No, I'm a hairbrush! OK, let's try another one. |
162 | 00:10:47,814 | 00:10:50,533 | 'Ere we go. What am I now? | 'Ere we go. What am I now? |
163 | 00:10:50,694 | 00:10:54,323 | - Clinically insane? - No, Little House on the Prairie! | - Clinically insane? - No, Little House on the Prairie! |
164 | 00:10:54,894 | 00:10:56,885 | - Billy... - Sir Billy! | - Billy... - Sir Billy! |
165 | 00:10:57,054 | 00:11:00,569 | - Sir Billy... - Why don't you just go away? | - Sir Billy... - Why don't you just go away? |
166 | 00:11:00,734 | 00:11:04,773 | - 'Cause I got a message for you! - Then give it to us! | - 'Cause I got a message for you! - Then give it to us! |
167 | 00:11:04,934 | 00:11:08,290 | - Doesn't he get excited? - Aaaargh! | - Doesn't he get excited? - Aaaargh! |
168 | 00:11:08,454 | 00:11:12,208 | Right, this is the message. I'll read it to you. | Right, this is the message. I'll read it to you. |
169 | 00:11:12,374 | 00:11:15,491 | Are we ready, clocks? Right...hang on! | Are we ready, clocks? Right...hang on! |
170 | 00:11:15,654 | 00:11:19,124 | There's no words on this. They must've fallen off. | There's no words on this. They must've fallen off. |
171 | 00:11:19,294 | 00:11:22,411 | No, it's all right, they're on the other side... | No, it's all right, they're on the other side... |
172 | 00:11:23,054 | 00:11:25,045 | - Finders keepers, losers weepers! - Rick! | - Finders keepers, losers weepers! - Rick! |
173 | 00:11:28,774 | 00:11:31,732 | I've not always been mad, but... | I've not always been mad, but... |
174 | 00:11:31,894 | 00:11:35,569 | I was driven mad by the indifference of architects and council planners. | I was driven mad by the indifference of architects and council planners. |
175 | 00:11:35,734 | 00:11:39,693 | I live in a tower block, and there's a terrible noise problem. | I live in a tower block, and there's a terrible noise problem. |
176 | 00:11:39,854 | 00:11:42,652 | There's no noise insulation, | There's no noise insulation, |
177 | 00:11:42,814 | 00:11:46,807 | and there's always some bastard with a Yamaha home organ. | and there's always some bastard with a Yamaha home organ. |
178 | 00:11:46,974 | 00:11:50,205 | You're about to go to sleep, and you hear... | You're about to go to sleep, and you hear... |
179 | 00:11:50,374 | 00:11:52,729 | ''Roll out the barrel!'' | ''Roll out the barrel!'' |
180 | 00:11:52,894 | 00:11:55,089 | (IMITATES ELECTRONIC ORGAN) | (IMITATES ELECTRONIC ORGAN) |
181 | 00:11:55,254 | 00:11:59,611 | The people who live upstairs, I can't understand what they're doing. | The people who live upstairs, I can't understand what they're doing. |
182 | 00:11:59,774 | 00:12:03,562 | All I can hear is this weird noise. It goes, ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!'' | All I can hear is this weird noise. It goes, ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!'' |
183 | 00:12:03,734 | 00:12:05,611 | ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!'' | ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!'' |
184 | 00:12:05,774 | 00:12:10,404 | It sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round | It sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round |
185 | 00:12:10,574 | 00:12:14,328 | while a seal bangs a kipper on the table. | while a seal bangs a kipper on the table. |
186 | 00:12:14,494 | 00:12:19,488 | I went upstairs to complain and was met by an elephant in a crash helmet! | I went upstairs to complain and was met by an elephant in a crash helmet! |
187 | 00:12:19,654 | 00:12:23,772 | Standing behind was a seal going, ''What is it now, Ralph?'' | Standing behind was a seal going, ''What is it now, Ralph?'' |
188 | 00:12:23,934 | 00:12:28,325 | Something cracked inside, and I thought I was a piece of sponge. | Something cracked inside, and I thought I was a piece of sponge. |
189 | 00:12:28,494 | 00:12:32,487 | I started getting very depressed, and I just can't hold it down... | I started getting very depressed, and I just can't hold it down... |
190 | 00:12:34,014 | 00:12:36,323 | What does the note say, Mike? | What does the note say, Mike? |
191 | 00:12:36,494 | 00:12:38,132 | ''Dear boys, | ''Dear boys, |
192 | 00:12:38,294 | 00:12:41,206 | ''Don't let Billy near the goldfish bowl. | ''Don't let Billy near the goldfish bowl. |
193 | 00:12:41,374 | 00:12:44,332 | ''Your friend and landlord, Jerzei Balowski.'' | ''Your friend and landlord, Jerzei Balowski.'' |
194 | 00:12:46,654 | 00:12:49,851 | There's no one there. | There's no one there. |
195 | 00:12:50,014 | 00:12:52,369 | God, how boring! | God, how boring! |
196 | 00:12:53,974 | 00:12:59,765 | (ARTHUR BROWN) I am the god of hell-fire, I bring you fire... | (ARTHUR BROWN) I am the god of hell-fire, I bring you fire... |
197 | 00:13:04,374 | 00:13:06,842 | - Would Mr Saunders like some cake? - Yes, please. | - Would Mr Saunders like some cake? - Yes, please. |
198 | 00:13:07,014 | 00:13:08,811 | There we are, then. | There we are, then. |
199 | 00:13:08,974 | 00:13:11,807 | - That looks nice, doesn't it? - Thank you. | - That looks nice, doesn't it? - Thank you. |
200 | 00:13:11,974 | 00:13:14,363 | - Anything wrong? - I can't reach it. | - Anything wrong? - I can't reach it. |
201 | 00:13:14,534 | 00:13:17,367 | He can't reach it. No problem. | He can't reach it. No problem. |
202 | 00:13:19,814 | 00:13:23,773 | - Look, it's spilt some! - Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. | - Look, it's spilt some! - Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. |
203 | 00:13:23,934 | 00:13:28,564 | Who's a naughty boy? We'll have to get that cleaned up. | Who's a naughty boy? We'll have to get that cleaned up. |
204 | 00:13:28,734 | 00:13:30,452 | - Orgo? - Yes, Futma? | - Orgo? - Yes, Futma? |
205 | 00:13:30,614 | 00:13:32,570 | - Ftumch! - Ftumch. | - Ftumch! - Ftumch. |
206 | 00:13:32,734 | 00:13:35,646 | Pass me that can of lager. | Pass me that can of lager. |
207 | 00:13:35,814 | 00:13:38,772 | Soon have it looking like a new pin. | Soon have it looking like a new pin. |
208 | 00:13:38,934 | 00:13:40,925 | Oh, yeah. | Oh, yeah. |
209 | 00:13:41,454 | 00:13:42,773 | Yeah! | Yeah! |
210 | 00:13:42,934 | 00:13:46,085 | - Brillo pad. - Oh, no! No, please! | - Brillo pad. - Oh, no! No, please! |
211 | 00:13:50,494 | 00:13:53,930 | - Let's give it some Barry Manilow. - Oh, no! | - Let's give it some Barry Manilow. - Oh, no! |
212 | 00:13:54,094 | 00:13:56,130 | (MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES) | (MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES) |
213 | 00:13:56,294 | 00:13:59,206 | It really gets off on Barry. | It really gets off on Barry. |
214 | 00:13:59,374 | 00:14:02,286 | Orgo? Any news of your promotion? | Orgo? Any news of your promotion? |
215 | 00:14:02,454 | 00:14:03,967 | Oh, yeah... | Oh, yeah... |
216 | 00:14:04,134 | 00:14:10,403 | I've got another ten souls to collect and then it's a cushy job in admin. | I've got another ten souls to collect and then it's a cushy job in admin. |
217 | 00:14:10,574 | 00:14:14,169 | Mind you, it's taken me five millennia to get this far, | Mind you, it's taken me five millennia to get this far, |
218 | 00:14:14,334 | 00:14:17,804 | 'cause no one summons you up to Earth with a name like Orgo. | 'cause no one summons you up to Earth with a name like Orgo. |
219 | 00:14:17,974 | 00:14:21,523 | People don't say Orgo by accident, do they? | People don't say Orgo by accident, do they? |
220 | 00:14:21,694 | 00:14:25,050 | Oh, is it not loud enough for you? | Oh, is it not loud enough for you? |
221 | 00:14:27,454 | 00:14:29,445 | At least you're in with a chance. | At least you're in with a chance. |
222 | 00:14:29,614 | 00:14:34,404 | Someone might say, ''Shall we go to the theatre or-go to the cinema?'' | Someone might say, ''Shall we go to the theatre or-go to the cinema?'' |
223 | 00:14:34,574 | 00:14:38,362 | They might say, ''Shall we go shopping or-go...?'' | They might say, ''Shall we go shopping or-go...?'' |
224 | 00:14:38,534 | 00:14:42,049 | But no one ever says my name. No one says Ftumch. | But no one ever says my name. No one says Ftumch. |
225 | 00:14:42,214 | 00:14:45,968 | - Why couldn't I be called William? - I don't know. | - Why couldn't I be called William? - I don't know. |
226 | 00:14:46,134 | 00:14:48,887 | 'Ere, look at this. | 'Ere, look at this. |
227 | 00:14:50,894 | 00:14:52,566 | - What's that? - Dunno. | - What's that? - Dunno. |
228 | 00:14:52,734 | 00:14:54,725 | Bloody hell! | Bloody hell! |
229 | 00:14:58,014 | 00:14:59,891 | Bloody hell! | Bloody hell! |
230 | 00:15:00,054 | 00:15:02,932 | No room for me on the sofa as usual. | No room for me on the sofa as usual. |
231 | 00:15:03,094 | 00:15:06,484 | I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. | I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. |
232 | 00:15:06,654 | 00:15:08,565 | Oh, goody gum drops! | Oh, goody gum drops! |
233 | 00:15:08,734 | 00:15:12,204 | Just in time to watch ''Oh, Crikey'' on ITV. | Just in time to watch ''Oh, Crikey'' on ITV. |
234 | 00:15:12,374 | 00:15:15,684 | Oh, Rick! We were watching ''Bastard Squad''. | Oh, Rick! We were watching ''Bastard Squad''. |
235 | 00:15:15,854 | 00:15:20,405 | Were you? Get off the sofa and turn it over, I don't mind. | Were you? Get off the sofa and turn it over, I don't mind. |
236 | 00:15:21,454 | 00:15:25,083 | Oh...no, I've hurt my back. | Oh...no, I've hurt my back. |
237 | 00:15:25,254 | 00:15:27,210 | What a shame! | What a shame! |
238 | 00:15:27,374 | 00:15:31,003 | (WOMAN) No, that"ll be the vicarI Answer the door. | (WOMAN) No, that"ll be the vicarI Answer the door. |
239 | 00:15:31,174 | 00:15:34,723 | - Why can"t you? - I have my apron onI Ha-haI | - Why can"t you? - I have my apron onI Ha-haI |
240 | 00:15:34,894 | 00:15:37,966 | I"ll go and take it off while you answer the door. | I"ll go and take it off while you answer the door. |
241 | 00:15:38,134 | 00:15:39,453 | RightI | RightI |
242 | 00:15:42,454 | 00:15:45,173 | No, no...I Oh, dear. | No, no...I Oh, dear. |
243 | 00:15:45,334 | 00:15:49,771 | My trousers have fallen down. Lucky the vicar didn"t see. | My trousers have fallen down. Lucky the vicar didn"t see. |
244 | 00:15:49,934 | 00:15:53,290 | No, Biffo, noI | No, Biffo, noI |
245 | 00:15:53,454 | 00:15:57,766 | Come here, you naughty boyI Biffo, hold still. | Come here, you naughty boyI Biffo, hold still. |
246 | 00:15:57,934 | 00:16:00,050 | Biffo, come hereI | Biffo, come hereI |
247 | 00:16:00,214 | 00:16:03,126 | - Oh, crikeyI - CrikeyI | - Oh, crikeyI - CrikeyI |
248 | 00:16:03,294 | 00:16:05,285 | I can explain... | I can explain... |
249 | 00:16:07,414 | 00:16:09,211 | Oh, crikeyI | Oh, crikeyI |
250 | 00:16:11,534 | 00:16:15,288 | Ha-ha! Fooled you! You fell right into my trap! | Ha-ha! Fooled you! You fell right into my trap! |
251 | 00:16:15,454 | 00:16:18,207 | - You can sit on the rickety chair. - Yeah? | - You can sit on the rickety chair. - Yeah? |
252 | 00:16:18,374 | 00:16:20,285 | Oh, yeah! | Oh, yeah! |
253 | 00:16:22,734 | 00:16:25,851 | I'll sit on the floor, if that's all right with you? | I'll sit on the floor, if that's all right with you? |
254 | 00:16:26,014 | 00:16:28,130 | Mike? Not in your way, am I? | Mike? Not in your way, am I? |
255 | 00:16:28,294 | 00:16:30,569 | This is my favourite programme. | This is my favourite programme. |
256 | 00:16:30,734 | 00:16:34,727 | It'd be typical if it was interrupted by a news flash about a siege. | It'd be typical if it was interrupted by a news flash about a siege. |
257 | 00:16:37,334 | 00:16:39,370 | (ANNOUNCER) We interrupt this programme | (ANNOUNCER) We interrupt this programme |
258 | 00:16:39,534 | 00:16:43,288 | to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage of a siege in north London. | to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage of a siege in north London. |
259 | 00:16:43,454 | 00:16:47,413 | We join BBC"s reporter, Dan Prick, on the spot. Dan... | We join BBC"s reporter, Dan Prick, on the spot. Dan... |
260 | 00:16:48,094 | 00:16:49,652 | A lunatic terrorist, | A lunatic terrorist, |
261 | 00:16:49,814 | 00:16:53,204 | a raving red, who crops up now we"ve stopped running the world, | a raving red, who crops up now we"ve stopped running the world, |
262 | 00:16:53,374 | 00:16:58,573 | is now taking refuge in a slum dwelling, a place for squatters. | is now taking refuge in a slum dwelling, a place for squatters. |
263 | 00:16:58,734 | 00:17:02,249 | A police and army siege is now under way. | A police and army siege is now under way. |
264 | 00:17:02,414 | 00:17:04,086 | Oh, Christ! | Oh, Christ! |
265 | 00:17:04,254 | 00:17:06,051 | Boring! | Boring! |
266 | 00:17:06,214 | 00:17:09,843 | Now we get a shot of a street for the next four hours! | Now we get a shot of a street for the next four hours! |
267 | 00:17:10,014 | 00:17:13,848 | Nothing ever happens in these things. If it does, we don't get to see it. | Nothing ever happens in these things. If it does, we don't get to see it. |
268 | 00:17:14,014 | 00:17:18,530 | Looks like something"s happening. The police and army are moving in. | Looks like something"s happening. The police and army are moving in. |
269 | 00:17:19,894 | 00:17:21,213 | Right on! | Right on! |
270 | 00:17:21,374 | 00:17:23,649 | Rule Britannia! | Rule Britannia! |
271 | 00:17:23,814 | 00:17:27,966 | A tiny figure jumps over a gate. Rule Britannia! | A tiny figure jumps over a gate. Rule Britannia! |
272 | 00:17:28,134 | 00:17:32,730 | (MACHINE GUN FIRE) They're dubbing that sound on! | (MACHINE GUN FIRE) They're dubbing that sound on! |
273 | 00:17:34,614 | 00:17:37,890 | - Isn't that your car, Vyv? - No. | - Isn't that your car, Vyv? - No. |
274 | 00:17:38,054 | 00:17:41,126 | Mine's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the side. | Mine's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the side. |
275 | 00:17:41,294 | 00:17:43,854 | That's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames. | That's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames. |
276 | 00:17:44,014 | 00:17:46,847 | But it's not mine, is it? | But it's not mine, is it? |
277 | 00:17:49,294 | 00:17:52,491 | God! That was a loud one. | God! That was a loud one. |
278 | 00:17:53,934 | 00:17:56,607 | Look, is anybody watching this? | Look, is anybody watching this? |
279 | 00:17:56,774 | 00:17:58,287 | (REPORTER) That"s it. | (REPORTER) That"s it. |
280 | 00:17:58,454 | 00:18:03,847 | Sorry about ""Bastard Squad"", but at least we got the mad coon, eh? | Sorry about ""Bastard Squad"", but at least we got the mad coon, eh? |
281 | 00:18:17,534 | 00:18:19,889 | Hey, guys! | Hey, guys! |
282 | 00:18:20,054 | 00:18:22,614 | Why don't we eat? | Why don't we eat? |
283 | 00:18:22,774 | 00:18:24,924 | That'd be interesting, wouldn't it? | That'd be interesting, wouldn't it? |
284 | 00:18:25,094 | 00:18:26,766 | Yes! Yes! | Yes! Yes! |
285 | 00:18:26,934 | 00:18:29,368 | Yes, eat, eat. | Yes, eat, eat. |
286 | 00:18:31,694 | 00:18:35,448 | I wonder how many lentils I've eaten in my life. | I wonder how many lentils I've eaten in my life. |
287 | 00:18:35,614 | 00:18:39,448 | - Four! - It must be more than that, Vyv. | - Four! - It must be more than that, Vyv. |
288 | 00:18:39,614 | 00:18:41,764 | Lentils are really good. | Lentils are really good. |
289 | 00:18:41,934 | 00:18:46,132 | No matter how often you have them, they never get boring. | No matter how often you have them, they never get boring. |
290 | 00:18:48,814 | 00:18:52,124 | Neil, that's our tea! You've just blown it up. | Neil, that's our tea! You've just blown it up. |
291 | 00:18:52,934 | 00:18:55,448 | Well, I didn't do it on purpose. | Well, I didn't do it on purpose. |
292 | 00:18:55,614 | 00:18:58,287 | We paid for that, 15p, pay up! | We paid for that, 15p, pay up! |
293 | 00:18:58,454 | 00:19:01,014 | But I haven't collected this week's money. | But I haven't collected this week's money. |
294 | 00:19:01,174 | 00:19:04,849 | - That's hardly the point. - But it was an accident. | - That's hardly the point. - But it was an accident. |
295 | 00:19:05,014 | 00:19:08,211 | I just looked at it, and it blew up, Rick. | I just looked at it, and it blew up, Rick. |
296 | 00:19:09,094 | 00:19:13,212 | There's still some on the wall. Maybe we can save some. | There's still some on the wall. Maybe we can save some. |
297 | 00:19:14,374 | 00:19:18,333 | I'll get some together for supper, then. | I'll get some together for supper, then. |
298 | 00:19:21,694 | 00:19:24,606 | Let's do something. We're bored stupid. | Let's do something. We're bored stupid. |
299 | 00:19:24,774 | 00:19:27,368 | Ha-ha! Rick didn't have far to go! | Ha-ha! Rick didn't have far to go! |
300 | 00:19:27,534 | 00:19:30,253 | I knew you'd say that. | I knew you'd say that. |
301 | 00:19:30,414 | 00:19:34,532 | - That's a complete lie, you poof! - I knew you'd say that, too! | - That's a complete lie, you poof! - I knew you'd say that, too! |
302 | 00:19:36,494 | 00:19:39,452 | You didn't know I'd do that, did you? | You didn't know I'd do that, did you? |
303 | 00:19:39,614 | 00:19:42,447 | All right, Vyvyan, I didn't know that. | All right, Vyvyan, I didn't know that. |
304 | 00:19:42,614 | 00:19:45,287 | We're bored stupid with nothing to eat. | We're bored stupid with nothing to eat. |
305 | 00:19:45,454 | 00:19:49,129 | The time has come for us to go down to the pub. | The time has come for us to go down to the pub. |
306 | 00:19:49,294 | 00:19:53,572 | Darling carrot, could you ever love a cripple? | Darling carrot, could you ever love a cripple? |
307 | 00:19:53,734 | 00:19:56,328 | No, I don't think so. | No, I don't think so. |
308 | 00:19:58,694 | 00:20:01,447 | (''HOUSE OF FUN'' BY MADNESS) | (''HOUSE OF FUN'' BY MADNESS) |
309 | 00:20:13,654 | 00:20:17,010 | # Good morning, Miss Can I help you, son? | # Good morning, Miss Can I help you, son? |
310 | 00:20:17,174 | 00:20:20,211 | # Sixteen today and up for fun | # Sixteen today and up for fun |
311 | 00:20:20,814 | 00:20:25,012 | # I'm a big boy now or so they say So if you'll serve I'll be on my way | # I'm a big boy now or so they say So if you'll serve I'll be on my way |
312 | 00:20:28,734 | 00:20:31,931 | # Box of balloons With a featherlite touch | # Box of balloons With a featherlite touch |
313 | 00:20:32,094 | 00:20:35,689 | # Pack of party poppers That pop in the night | # Pack of party poppers That pop in the night |
314 | 00:20:35,854 | 00:20:37,924 | # A toothbrush and hairspray, Plastic grin | # A toothbrush and hairspray, Plastic grin |
315 | 00:20:38,094 | 00:20:39,971 | # Miss Clay on all corners Has just walked in | # Miss Clay on all corners Has just walked in |
316 | 00:20:40,134 | 00:20:43,649 | # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age | # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age |
317 | 00:20:43,814 | 00:20:46,408 | # Welcome to the House of Fun | # Welcome to the House of Fun |
318 | 00:20:47,574 | 00:20:51,089 | # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way... # | # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way... # |
319 | 00:20:53,774 | 00:20:56,208 | I tell you somewhere else I've never been. | I tell you somewhere else I've never been. |
320 | 00:20:56,374 | 00:20:58,729 | - Where? - Down. | - Where? - Down. |
321 | 00:21:00,094 | 00:21:03,882 | # N-n-n-no, no, Miss You misunderstood | # N-n-n-no, no, Miss You misunderstood |
322 | 00:21:04,054 | 00:21:07,205 | # Sixteen, big boy Full pint in my manhood | # Sixteen, big boy Full pint in my manhood |
323 | 00:21:07,814 | 00:21:11,853 | # I'm up to date and the date's today So if you'll serve I'll be on my way | # I'm up to date and the date's today So if you'll serve I'll be on my way |
324 | 00:21:12,014 | 00:21:15,450 | # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age | # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age |
325 | 00:21:15,614 | 00:21:19,209 | # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way... # | # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way... # |
326 | 00:21:22,054 | 00:21:24,090 | Which one are we going to? | Which one are we going to? |
327 | 00:21:24,254 | 00:21:28,088 | - Down the Kebab. - Doner kebab? I've already eaten. | - Down the Kebab. - Doner kebab? I've already eaten. |
328 | 00:21:28,254 | 00:21:29,573 | Shut up! | Shut up! |
329 | 00:21:32,254 | 00:21:35,769 | # I'm sorry, son But we don't stock | # I'm sorry, son But we don't stock |
330 | 00:21:35,934 | 00:21:39,085 | # Party gimmicks in this shop | # Party gimmicks in this shop |
331 | 00:21:40,094 | 00:21:43,643 | # Try the House of Fun It's quicker if you run | # Try the House of Fun It's quicker if you run |
332 | 00:21:43,814 | 00:21:46,533 | # This is a chemist Not a joke shop | # This is a chemist Not a joke shop |
333 | 00:21:46,694 | 00:21:49,970 | # Party hats Simple enough, clear | # Party hats Simple enough, clear |
334 | 00:21:50,134 | 00:21:53,604 | # Comprehende, savvy, understand Do you hear? | # Comprehende, savvy, understand Do you hear? |
335 | 00:21:53,774 | 00:21:57,813 | # A pack of party hats With the coloured tips | # A pack of party hats With the coloured tips |
336 | 00:21:57,974 | 00:22:00,966 | # Too late Gorgon's heard gossip | # Too late Gorgon's heard gossip |
337 | 00:22:01,134 | 00:22:03,045 | # Well, hello, Joe Hello, Miss Clay | # Well, hello, Joe Hello, Miss Clay |
338 | 00:22:03,214 | 00:22:04,806 | # Many happy returns from the day | # Many happy returns from the day |
339 | 00:22:04,974 | 00:22:08,762 | # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age | # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age |
340 | 00:22:08,934 | 00:22:12,244 | # Welcome to the House of Fun | # Welcome to the House of Fun |
341 | 00:22:12,414 | 00:22:16,293 | # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way | # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way |
342 | 00:22:16,454 | 00:22:20,129 | # Welcome to the House of Fun | # Welcome to the House of Fun |
343 | 00:22:20,294 | 00:22:23,684 | # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age | # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age |
344 | 00:22:23,854 | 00:22:26,448 | # Welcome to the House of... # | # Welcome to the House of... # |
345 | 00:22:29,454 | 00:22:31,445 | (SINGER) Thank you. | (SINGER) Thank you. |
346 | 00:22:33,374 | 00:22:36,366 | - Is there a band on tonight? - No, no! | - Is there a band on tonight? - No, no! |
347 | 00:22:36,534 | 00:22:40,163 | (NEIL) Why not? (BAND ) Electricity. On strike. | (NEIL) Why not? (BAND ) Electricity. On strike. |
348 | 00:22:40,334 | 00:22:41,653 | Heavy. | Heavy. |
349 | 00:22:41,814 | 00:22:45,090 | Do you know ''Summer Holiday'' by Cliff Richard? | Do you know ''Summer Holiday'' by Cliff Richard? |
350 | 00:22:45,254 | 00:22:48,087 | You hum it, I'll smash your face in. | You hum it, I'll smash your face in. |
351 | 00:22:48,254 | 00:22:50,529 | I'll go and sit over there. | I'll go and sit over there. |
352 | 00:22:50,694 | 00:22:53,686 | It's madness, isn't it? It's an embarrassment. | It's madness, isn't it? It's an embarrassment. |
353 | 00:23:01,374 | 00:23:04,366 | Just as I expected, totally boring! | Just as I expected, totally boring! |
354 | 00:23:04,534 | 00:23:07,048 | The service is terrible, too. | The service is terrible, too. |
355 | 00:23:07,214 | 00:23:08,886 | Waiter! | Waiter! |
356 | 00:23:10,134 | 00:23:12,090 | Waiter! | Waiter! |
357 | 00:23:13,494 | 00:23:15,485 | You, woman! | You, woman! |
358 | 00:23:17,454 | 00:23:22,528 | Look, I stole some money from Rick's bedroom, so I'll get these. | Look, I stole some money from Rick's bedroom, so I'll get these. |
359 | 00:23:23,974 | 00:23:27,444 | - What would you like, Rick? - Coffee, please, Vyvyan. | - What would you like, Rick? - Coffee, please, Vyvyan. |
360 | 00:23:27,614 | 00:23:29,730 | This is a pub, they don't do coffee. | This is a pub, they don't do coffee. |
361 | 00:23:29,894 | 00:23:33,330 | In that case, I don't want anything. It's not clever to drink. | In that case, I don't want anything. It's not clever to drink. |
362 | 00:23:33,494 | 00:23:35,325 | - I want to stay in control. - Mike? | - I want to stay in control. - Mike? |
363 | 00:23:35,494 | 00:23:38,372 | - Water, Vyvyan. In a straight glass. - Uh-uh. | - Water, Vyvyan. In a straight glass. - Uh-uh. |
364 | 00:23:38,534 | 00:23:42,846 | - Neil? - Just a bag of crisps, please, Vyv. | - Neil? - Just a bag of crisps, please, Vyv. |
365 | 00:23:43,014 | 00:23:48,327 | Not meat-flavoured, as I don't abuse my body and the world I live in. | Not meat-flavoured, as I don't abuse my body and the world I live in. |
366 | 00:23:49,334 | 00:23:53,122 | OK, I want a pint of water in a straight glass, | OK, I want a pint of water in a straight glass, |
367 | 00:23:53,294 | 00:23:55,728 | a bag of roast ox crisps, | a bag of roast ox crisps, |
368 | 00:23:55,894 | 00:23:58,454 | and mine's a Babycham. | and mine's a Babycham. |
369 | 00:24:03,614 | 00:24:07,687 | - Hello, Vyvyan! - Oh...hello, Mum. | - Hello, Vyvyan! - Oh...hello, Mum. |
370 | 00:24:08,974 | 00:24:13,286 | Fancy seeing you here. I didn't know you lived in London. | Fancy seeing you here. I didn't know you lived in London. |
371 | 00:24:13,454 | 00:24:15,251 | Yeah, yeah... | Yeah, yeah... |
372 | 00:24:17,414 | 00:24:18,972 | How's Dad? | How's Dad? |
373 | 00:24:19,134 | 00:24:22,331 | Honestly, I do wish you wouldn't ask me that. | Honestly, I do wish you wouldn't ask me that. |
374 | 00:24:22,494 | 00:24:25,930 | You know I've absolutely no idea who he is. | You know I've absolutely no idea who he is. |
375 | 00:24:26,094 | 00:24:30,485 | Well, Vyvyan, you never said your mother was a bartender. | Well, Vyvyan, you never said your mother was a bartender. |
376 | 00:24:31,454 | 00:24:35,413 | Well, she was a shoplifter when I knew her! | Well, she was a shoplifter when I knew her! |
377 | 00:24:35,574 | 00:24:38,566 | She doesn't look strong enough. | She doesn't look strong enough. |
378 | 00:24:39,694 | 00:24:41,207 | To lift shops. | To lift shops. |
379 | 00:24:41,374 | 00:24:46,164 | - That'll be �28.50, Vyvyan. - I've only got a fiver! | - That'll be �28.50, Vyvyan. - I've only got a fiver! |
380 | 00:24:47,214 | 00:24:50,012 | I'll have the ring and the watch. | I'll have the ring and the watch. |
381 | 00:24:56,174 | 00:24:59,484 | Ain't you gonna introduce me to your friends? | Ain't you gonna introduce me to your friends? |
382 | 00:24:59,654 | 00:25:01,963 | This is a friend called Mike. | This is a friend called Mike. |
383 | 00:25:02,134 | 00:25:04,568 | This is a friend called Neil. | This is a friend called Neil. |
384 | 00:25:04,734 | 00:25:08,170 | That's a complete bastard I know called Rick. | That's a complete bastard I know called Rick. |
385 | 00:25:08,334 | 00:25:13,089 | He's just joshing, Mrs Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends. | He's just joshing, Mrs Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends. |
386 | 00:25:13,254 | 00:25:15,848 | Oh, he is a bastard, isn't he? | Oh, he is a bastard, isn't he? |
387 | 00:25:16,814 | 00:25:21,126 | Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name? | Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name? |
388 | 00:25:24,334 | 00:25:27,690 | Come and tell me what you've been doing the last ten years. | Come and tell me what you've been doing the last ten years. |
389 | 00:25:27,854 | 00:25:32,211 | - OK, Mum. - Not you, zit face! | - OK, Mum. - Not you, zit face! |
390 | 00:25:32,374 | 00:25:35,252 | - Him! - Hey, Vyv! Vyv! | - Him! - Hey, Vyv! Vyv! |
391 | 00:25:37,454 | 00:25:39,445 | I should've stayed at home. | I should've stayed at home. |
392 | 00:25:45,494 | 00:25:50,852 | # If you go down in the woods today You"re sure of a big surprise | # If you go down in the woods today You"re sure of a big surprise |
393 | 00:25:51,014 | 00:25:56,168 | # If you go down in the woods today You better go in disguise | # If you go down in the woods today You better go in disguise |
394 | 00:25:56,334 | 00:26:01,454 | # For every bear that ever there was Will gather there for certain because | # For every bear that ever there was Will gather there for certain because |
395 | 00:26:01,614 | 00:26:07,132 | # Today"s the day The teddy bears have their picnic # | # Today"s the day The teddy bears have their picnic # |
396 | 00:26:16,414 | 00:26:19,247 | Uurgh! Bloody hippie food! | Uurgh! Bloody hippie food! |
397 | 00:26:19,854 | 00:26:24,325 | Coming, Mike, or still talking to the old bag about your herpes? | Coming, Mike, or still talking to the old bag about your herpes? |
398 | 00:26:24,494 | 00:26:26,644 | Excuse me, Mrs Vyvyan. | Excuse me, Mrs Vyvyan. |
399 | 00:26:29,214 | 00:26:34,004 | - ..because you're conservative. - I think pubs are bourgeois. | - ..because you're conservative. - I think pubs are bourgeois. |
400 | 00:26:35,334 | 00:26:38,007 | - Right-o, Mike. - All right, let's go. | - Right-o, Mike. - All right, let's go. |
401 | 00:26:41,894 | 00:26:45,569 | 'Course, you see, I look at life like this... | 'Course, you see, I look at life like this... |
402 | 00:26:49,454 | 00:26:52,207 | - Why's that? Problems? - Yeah. | - Why's that? Problems? - Yeah. |
403 | 00:26:52,814 | 00:26:56,011 | Had a heavy bust-up this morning with my lady. | Had a heavy bust-up this morning with my lady. |
404 | 00:26:56,174 | 00:26:58,847 | WPC...? | WPC...? |
405 | 00:26:59,014 | 00:27:01,653 | Dunno, never could remember her name. | Dunno, never could remember her name. |
406 | 00:27:01,814 | 00:27:05,568 | It's got a four in it, 'cause I remember surrounding one. | It's got a four in it, 'cause I remember surrounding one. |
407 | 00:27:05,734 | 00:27:08,487 | - Has it got a tail? - Yeah. | - Has it got a tail? - Yeah. |
408 | 00:27:08,654 | 00:27:10,645 | It's a ''Q'', yeah. | It's a ''Q'', yeah. |
409 | 00:27:11,294 | 00:27:13,364 | Pretty sure. | Pretty sure. |
410 | 00:27:14,294 | 00:27:17,092 | I've been going out 'kin years. | I've been going out 'kin years. |
411 | 00:27:18,334 | 00:27:21,167 | - How long? - 'Kin years. | - How long? - 'Kin years. |
412 | 00:27:21,334 | 00:27:24,326 | Reckon if I played me cards right, I could've... | Reckon if I played me cards right, I could've... |
413 | 00:27:27,094 | 00:27:29,210 | - Kneed her in the groin? - No, the other one. | - Kneed her in the groin? - No, the other one. |
414 | 00:27:29,374 | 00:27:31,251 | - Slept with her? - Yeah. | - Slept with her? - Yeah. |
415 | 00:27:31,414 | 00:27:34,326 | I could've slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said. | I could've slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said. |
416 | 00:27:34,494 | 00:27:39,932 | Well, we had a row, and I said something about the Pope. | Well, we had a row, and I said something about the Pope. |
417 | 00:27:40,094 | 00:27:42,324 | That's a bit stupid, she's Catholic. | That's a bit stupid, she's Catholic. |
418 | 00:27:42,494 | 00:27:46,487 | I know she's Catholic. I didn't know the Pope was. | I know she's Catholic. I didn't know the Pope was. |
419 | 00:27:47,734 | 00:27:50,532 | It's a laugh, eh, innit? | It's a laugh, eh, innit? |
420 | 00:27:50,694 | 00:27:52,013 | What? | What? |
421 | 00:27:53,134 | 00:27:56,888 | That noise you make in the back of your throat. | That noise you make in the back of your throat. |
422 | 00:27:57,054 | 00:27:59,170 | Yeah, that's a laugh. | Yeah, that's a laugh. |
423 | 00:28:10,574 | 00:28:14,965 | Know what? There are now more tin cans than people. | Know what? There are now more tin cans than people. |
424 | 00:28:15,494 | 00:28:17,724 | Neil, wanna see my new trick? | Neil, wanna see my new trick? |
425 | 00:28:17,894 | 00:28:19,452 | (NEIL CHANTS) | (NEIL CHANTS) |
426 | 00:28:20,054 | 00:28:25,048 | - Mike, wanna see my new trick? - No, I'm busy with the paper. | - Mike, wanna see my new trick? - No, I'm busy with the paper. |
427 | 00:28:25,214 | 00:28:26,693 | - Rick? - No! | - Rick? - No! |
428 | 00:28:26,854 | 00:28:30,005 | I've got something more important to think about actually. | I've got something more important to think about actually. |
429 | 00:28:30,174 | 00:28:34,372 | Look, watch my trick, you bastards, or I'll kill you! | Look, watch my trick, you bastards, or I'll kill you! |
430 | 00:28:36,094 | 00:28:38,130 | Brilliant, eh? | Brilliant, eh? |
431 | 00:28:40,614 | 00:28:44,402 | Oh, dear...wrong finger! | Oh, dear...wrong finger! |
432 | 00:28:51,574 | 00:28:53,644 | Hey, Vyvyan! | Hey, Vyvyan! |
433 | 00:28:53,814 | 00:28:57,853 | Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers! | Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers! |
434 | 00:28:58,014 | 00:29:01,768 | Hey, listen to this: ''Under the new ruling, | Hey, listen to this: ''Under the new ruling, |
435 | 00:29:01,934 | 00:29:05,483 | ''all a student needs to qualify for an increased grant | ''all a student needs to qualify for an increased grant |
436 | 00:29:05,654 | 00:29:11,604 | ''is a...nmkl pkjl ftumch... from the local authority.'' | ''is a...nmkl pkjl ftumch... from the local authority.'' |
437 | 00:29:13,814 | 00:29:18,683 | - What was that? - A nmkl pkjl ftumch. | - What was that? - A nmkl pkjl ftumch. |
438 | 00:29:18,854 | 00:29:21,322 | Don't you ever read The Guardian, Neil? | Don't you ever read The Guardian, Neil? |
439 | 00:29:21,494 | 00:29:23,564 | What's a ftumch? | What's a ftumch? |
440 | 00:29:28,214 | 00:29:29,932 | I've got three minutes. | I've got three minutes. |
441 | 00:29:30,094 | 00:29:33,643 | Nah, it doesn't seem to make any sense. | Nah, it doesn't seem to make any sense. |
442 | 00:29:35,174 | 00:29:37,642 | Neil, have you just farted? | Neil, have you just farted? |
443 | 00:29:41,294 | 00:29:42,807 | I don't think so. | I don't think so. |
444 | 00:29:42,974 | 00:29:48,048 | There's a horrible farty smell, and it's definitely not from my bottom! | There's a horrible farty smell, and it's definitely not from my bottom! |
445 | 00:29:50,334 | 00:29:55,488 | - Knickers! - It's worse than cattle's business! | - Knickers! - It's worse than cattle's business! |
446 | 00:30:00,374 | 00:30:03,571 | (RICK) That's better. - Knackers! | (RICK) That's better. - Knackers! |
447 | 00:30:05,254 | 00:30:08,929 | Was it you that farted, Mike? | Was it you that farted, Mike? |
448 | 00:30:09,094 | 00:30:13,849 | Who can tell, Neil? I'm a strange guy. | Who can tell, Neil? I'm a strange guy. |
449 | 00:30:14,014 | 00:30:17,563 | I'll deal with that spotty herbert later. | I'll deal with that spotty herbert later. |
450 | 00:30:17,734 | 00:30:19,725 | Look, a little girl. | Look, a little girl. |
451 | 00:30:20,534 | 00:30:22,525 | Meditate on this! | Meditate on this! |
452 | 00:30:22,694 | 00:30:25,492 | (CRACKLING ELECTRIC CURRENT) | (CRACKLING ELECTRIC CURRENT) |
453 | 00:30:30,374 | 00:30:31,693 | Hey! | Hey! |
454 | 00:30:31,854 | 00:30:34,084 | I just had a great idea! | I just had a great idea! |
455 | 00:30:35,254 | 00:30:38,451 | Why don't we go and see a film? Yes! | Why don't we go and see a film? Yes! |
456 | 00:30:38,614 | 00:30:42,402 | Let's go and see a film. Where's the local paper, Mike? | Let's go and see a film. Where's the local paper, Mike? |
457 | 00:30:42,574 | 00:30:45,247 | In the local paper shop, where d'you think? | In the local paper shop, where d'you think? |
458 | 00:30:45,414 | 00:30:46,733 | Right! | Right! |
459 | 00:30:49,134 | 00:30:51,284 | - Hey, Rick? - Yes? | - Hey, Rick? - Yes? |
460 | 00:30:51,454 | 00:30:55,606 | I'm just going down the local paper shop, OK? | I'm just going down the local paper shop, OK? |
461 | 00:31:05,414 | 00:31:09,407 | That's funny, I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head! | That's funny, I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head! |
462 | 00:31:12,814 | 00:31:14,611 | I don't believe it! | I don't believe it! |
463 | 00:31:28,014 | 00:31:30,244 | Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha! | Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha! |
464 | 00:31:30,414 | 00:31:35,408 | Well, Mr Sambo Darkie Coon, I've got your number, you're nicked! | Well, Mr Sambo Darkie Coon, I've got your number, you're nicked! |
465 | 00:31:35,574 | 00:31:41,888 | - Is anything the matter, officer? - Don't we talk lovely, Mr Rastas Chocolate Drop? | - Is anything the matter, officer? - Don't we talk lovely, Mr Rastas Chocolate Drop? |
466 | 00:31:42,054 | 00:31:44,966 | I've done a weekend's training with the SAS. | I've done a weekend's training with the SAS. |
467 | 00:31:45,134 | 00:31:48,410 | I could pull your arms off without a trace of violence! | I could pull your arms off without a trace of violence! |
468 | 00:31:48,574 | 00:31:53,045 | - Lord Scarman need never know. - What seems to be the trouble? | - Lord Scarman need never know. - What seems to be the trouble? |
469 | 00:31:53,214 | 00:31:56,889 | That's white man's electricity you're burning! That's theft! | That's white man's electricity you're burning! That's theft! |
470 | 00:31:57,054 | 00:31:58,885 | I've got your number! | I've got your number! |
471 | 00:31:59,054 | 00:32:03,047 | Officer, I represent Kellogg's Cornflakes Car Competition. | Officer, I represent Kellogg's Cornflakes Car Competition. |
472 | 00:32:04,094 | 00:32:06,608 | Oh! Sorry, John. | Oh! Sorry, John. |
473 | 00:32:06,774 | 00:32:09,811 | I thought you was a nigger. Sorry, sir. | I thought you was a nigger. Sorry, sir. |
474 | 00:32:09,974 | 00:32:11,487 | Carry on! | Carry on! |
475 | 00:32:13,174 | 00:32:15,483 | Hey, guess what, kid? | Hey, guess what, kid? |
476 | 00:32:15,654 | 00:32:17,804 | You've won a new Ford Tippex. | You've won a new Ford Tippex. |
477 | 00:32:17,974 | 00:32:22,809 | (SATAN) Ftumch, your time is upI - I think you got the wrong house. | (SATAN) Ftumch, your time is upI - I think you got the wrong house. |
478 | 00:32:25,654 | 00:32:28,646 | What a piece of luck! | What a piece of luck! |
479 | 00:32:32,254 | 00:32:33,573 | God! | God! |
480 | 00:32:33,734 | 00:32:36,123 | What a boring day! | What a boring day! |
481 | 00:32:38,534 | 00:32:42,573 | I went to the shop, but they didn't have a local paper. | I went to the shop, but they didn't have a local paper. |
482 | 00:32:42,734 | 00:32:46,886 | They obviously don't come from this area, Neil. | They obviously don't come from this area, Neil. |
483 | 00:32:47,054 | 00:32:50,285 | Hey, guys, tomorrow... | Hey, guys, tomorrow... |
484 | 00:32:50,454 | 00:32:53,764 | ..why don't we, as just a suggestion, | ..why don't we, as just a suggestion, |
485 | 00:32:53,934 | 00:32:57,051 | why don't we try going into college? | why don't we try going into college? |
486 | 00:32:59,534 | 00:33:01,923 | Now, Neil, listen... | Now, Neil, listen... |
487 | 00:33:02,094 | 00:33:05,643 | ..things may be bad, but there's no need to panic! | ..things may be bad, but there's no need to panic! |
488 | 00:33:06,374 | 00:33:09,969 | No, I'll treat this problem like my mattress... | No, I'll treat this problem like my mattress... |
489 | 00:33:10,134 | 00:33:12,568 | ..and sleep on it. | ..and sleep on it. |
490 | 00:33:12,734 | 00:33:14,053 | Goodnight. | Goodnight. |
491 | 00:33:20,094 | 00:33:21,891 | (OWL HOOTS) | (OWL HOOTS) |
492 | 00:33:24,574 | 00:33:27,930 | (MUSIC: ''THE TEDDY BEARS' PICNIC'') | (MUSIC: ''THE TEDDY BEARS' PICNIC'') |
493 | 00:33:31,574 | 00:33:34,532 | (FATHER BEAR) Who's been gobbing in my lentils? | (FATHER BEAR) Who's been gobbing in my lentils? |
494 | 00:33:34,694 | 00:33:38,050 | (MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Who's been gobbing in our lentils? | (MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Who's been gobbing in our lentils? |
495 | 00:33:38,214 | 00:33:40,887 | (FATHER BEAR) Sod it! Let's go to MacDonald's. | (FATHER BEAR) Sod it! Let's go to MacDonald's. |
496 | 00:33:41,054 | 00:33:43,045 | (MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Yes! | (MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Yes! |
497 | 00:33:50,614 | 00:33:53,845 | (BABY BEAR) Hee-hee! Hee-hee! | (BABY BEAR) Hee-hee! Hee-hee! |
498 | 00:34:00,574 | 00:34:03,566 | (ELECTRONIC PULSE) | (ELECTRONIC PULSE) |