# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:02,614 00:00:05,208 # Once in every lifetime # Once in every lifetime
2 00:00:05,374 00:00:07,285 # Comes a love like this # Comes a love like this
3 00:00:07,454 00:00:10,366 # I need you, you need me # I need you, you need me
4 00:00:10,534 00:00:13,048 # Oh, my darling, can't you see? # Oh, my darling, can't you see?
5 00:00:15,174 00:00:18,052 # Darling, we're the Young Ones # Darling, we're the Young Ones
6 00:00:18,214 00:00:20,330 # The Young Ones # The Young Ones
7 00:00:20,494 00:00:23,372 # (RICK) Shouldn't be afraid # (RICK) Shouldn't be afraid
8 00:00:23,534 00:00:25,286 # To live # To live
9 00:00:25,454 00:00:26,773 # Love # Love
10 00:00:26,934 00:00:28,811 # There's a song to be sung # There's a song to be sung
11 00:00:28,974 00:00:31,442 # 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones # 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones
12 00:00:31,614 00:00:33,286 # Very long... # # Very long... #
13 00:00:58,134 00:01:01,126 Huh? I'll see you, Jimmy. Huh? I'll see you, Jimmy.
14 00:01:01,294 00:01:04,331 - I've got the seven of spades. - You rat! - I've got the seven of spades. - You rat!
15 00:01:04,494 00:01:06,962 I'm a mouse. Ha-ha! I'm a mouse. Ha-ha!
16 00:01:09,734 00:01:12,567 (DANCE MUSIC) (DANCE MUSIC)
17 00:01:28,894 00:01:31,488 (COCK CROWS) (COCK CROWS)
18 00:01:45,174 00:01:47,165 (BANGING AND CRASHING) (BANGING AND CRASHING)
19 00:01:47,334 00:01:50,053 (NEIL) Morning has broken. (NEIL) Morning has broken.
20 00:01:50,214 00:01:52,170 She loves me. She loves me.
21 00:01:54,294 00:01:56,285 She loves me lots. She loves me lots.
22 00:01:57,454 00:01:59,445 She loves me. She loves me.
23 00:02:00,134 00:02:01,931 She loves me lots. She loves me lots.
24 00:02:02,094 00:02:05,370 Well, I've finished the new car competition. Well, I've finished the new car competition.
25 00:02:05,534 00:02:07,525 I'm gonna win a Ford Tippex. I'm gonna win a Ford Tippex.
26 00:02:09,294 00:02:10,727 It's easy, really. It's easy, really.
27 00:02:10,894 00:02:17,493 All you've got to do is match up six famous noses with six famous bogeys. All you've got to do is match up six famous noses with six famous bogeys.
28 00:02:20,934 00:02:22,890 Thought that'd shock you. Thought that'd shock you.
29 00:02:23,054 00:02:26,683 It's not true, 'cause then you've got to say in ten words It's not true, 'cause then you've got to say in ten words
30 00:02:26,854 00:02:30,051 what cornflakes mean to you, so I put: what cornflakes mean to you, so I put:
31 00:02:30,214 00:02:32,091 ''Cornflakes. ''Cornflakes.
32 00:02:32,254 00:02:33,733 ''Cornflakes. ''Cornflakes.
33 00:02:33,894 00:02:36,533 ''Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes. ''Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes.
34 00:02:36,694 00:02:40,607 ''Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes.'' ''Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes.''
35 00:02:40,774 00:02:42,890 Pathetic! Pathetic!
36 00:02:43,814 00:02:46,203 - You'll never win, Vyvyan. - Why not? - You'll never win, Vyvyan. - Why not?
37 00:02:46,374 00:02:48,683 There's only nine words. There's only nine words.
38 00:02:48,854 00:02:51,846 Oh, yeah... Cornflakes. Oh, yeah... Cornflakes.
39 00:02:52,494 00:02:55,691 You'll still never win. Nothing interesting ever happens to us. You'll still never win. Nothing interesting ever happens to us.
40 00:02:55,854 00:02:59,164 - Stop being so boring, Rick. - That's nice! - Stop being so boring, Rick. - That's nice!
41 00:02:59,334 00:03:02,849 That's very nice, coming from someone as boring as you! That's very nice, coming from someone as boring as you!
42 00:03:03,014 00:03:07,405 Can you two stop hassling each other? I'm getting bored of it. Can you two stop hassling each other? I'm getting bored of it.
43 00:03:07,574 00:03:10,293 Oh, dear me! Neil's getting bored. Oh, dear me! Neil's getting bored.
44 00:03:10,454 00:03:13,571 Boring Neil's getting a taste of his own medicine. Boring Neil's getting a taste of his own medicine.
45 00:03:13,734 00:03:17,647 Listen, we're overdoing the boredom motif in this conversation. Listen, we're overdoing the boredom motif in this conversation.
46 00:03:17,814 00:03:20,374 It's time to extend our vocabulary. It's time to extend our vocabulary.
47 00:03:20,534 00:03:24,447 - All I said... - Yeah, we heard and it was boring. - All I said... - Yeah, we heard and it was boring.
48 00:03:24,614 00:03:27,174 - We decided... - YOU decided, Michael! - We decided... - YOU decided, Michael!
49 00:03:27,334 00:03:29,928 Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys!
50 00:03:30,614 00:03:32,286 Look at us, Look at us,
51 00:03:32,454 00:03:34,365 squabbling, squabbling,
52 00:03:34,534 00:03:36,411 bickering, bickering,
53 00:03:36,574 00:03:38,565 like children. like children.
54 00:03:38,734 00:03:40,645 What's happening to us? What's happening to us?
55 00:03:40,814 00:03:44,011 We never used to be like this. We never used to be like this.
56 00:03:44,174 00:03:46,734 Yes, we did. Yes, we did.
57 00:03:46,894 00:03:49,169 He's right, we've always been like this. He's right, we've always been like this.
58 00:03:49,334 00:03:53,293 Well, yes, I know, but... But that's exactly my point. Well, yes, I know, but... But that's exactly my point.
59 00:03:53,454 00:03:56,491 Nothing ever changes, nothing ever happens to us. Nothing ever changes, nothing ever happens to us.
60 00:03:58,334 00:04:00,450 Monopoly? Monopoly?
61 00:04:00,614 00:04:01,933 Yes. Yes.
62 00:04:03,814 00:04:06,453 The Old Kent Road, that's mine. Pay up! The Old Kent Road, that's mine. Pay up!
63 00:04:06,614 00:04:11,529 All right, I think the Mike Exchequer can handle a debt of �4. All right, I think the Mike Exchequer can handle a debt of �4.
64 00:04:11,694 00:04:15,607 Wouldn't it be amazing if all this money was real? Wouldn't it be amazing if all this money was real?
65 00:04:17,014 00:04:20,245 That is the single most predictable and boring thing That is the single most predictable and boring thing
66 00:04:20,414 00:04:23,008 anybody could say whilst playing Monopoly! anybody could say whilst playing Monopoly!
67 00:04:23,694 00:04:26,254 What about saying ''Vyvyan''? That's pretty boring! What about saying ''Vyvyan''? That's pretty boring!
68 00:04:26,414 00:04:29,963 ''You have won second prize in a beauty contest, ''You have won second prize in a beauty contest,
69 00:04:30,134 00:04:33,251 ''smash Rick over the head with the bank.'' ''smash Rick over the head with the bank.''
70 00:04:35,254 00:04:37,370 It did not say that, Vyvyan's cheating! It did not say that, Vyvyan's cheating!
71 00:04:39,254 00:04:41,290 No, that's exactly what it says. No, that's exactly what it says.
72 00:04:41,454 00:04:44,844 In biro! In biro over the top of the print! In biro! In biro over the top of the print!
73 00:04:46,054 00:04:49,012 But we changed the rules 'cause it's so boring! But we changed the rules 'cause it's so boring!
74 00:04:49,174 00:04:53,133 ''Congratulations, it's your birthday. You may set fire to Rick's bed.'' ''Congratulations, it's your birthday. You may set fire to Rick's bed.''
75 00:04:53,294 00:04:54,613 Good one! Good one!
76 00:04:55,174 00:05:01,170 ''Get out of jail free. Keep this card or stick it up Rick's bottom.'' ''Get out of jail free. Keep this card or stick it up Rick's bottom.''
77 00:05:01,334 00:05:05,213 - Vyvyan, you've ruined the game! - I was bored! - Vyvyan, you've ruined the game! - I was bored!
78 00:05:05,374 00:05:06,693 That's nothing. That's nothing.
79 00:05:06,854 00:05:11,370 Neil's so bored, he's gone to the garden to kill himself. And it's his go! Neil's so bored, he's gone to the garden to kill himself. And it's his go!
80 00:05:19,054 00:05:21,284 You're a spade. You're a spade.
81 00:05:21,454 00:05:23,843 I always call him that. I always call him that.
82 00:05:29,534 00:05:31,764 From Monopoly to the grave, From Monopoly to the grave,
83 00:05:31,934 00:05:36,007 the most interesting thing that ever happens to me is sneezing. the most interesting thing that ever happens to me is sneezing.
84 00:05:36,174 00:05:39,610 - I wish I was Magnus Magnusson. - Hey, Neil! - I wish I was Magnus Magnusson. - Hey, Neil!
85 00:05:39,774 00:05:42,732 (MIKE) Monopoly passes the time at Christmas... (MIKE) Monopoly passes the time at Christmas...
86 00:05:42,894 00:05:46,250 - ..but I'm not waiting that long. - No, it's all right. - ..but I'm not waiting that long. - No, it's all right.
87 00:05:46,414 00:05:51,647 I'm just digging a grave. I won't kill myself today, but... I'm just digging a grave. I won't kill myself today, but...
88 00:05:51,814 00:05:54,567 ..it's just in case, y'know? ..it's just in case, y'know?
89 00:06:02,014 00:06:05,006 (LAUGHTER AND EXCITEMENT, FUNFAIR MUSIC) (LAUGHTER AND EXCITEMENT, FUNFAIR MUSIC)
90 00:06:05,854 00:06:10,484 Living in a world where nothing boring ever happens Living in a world where nothing boring ever happens
91 00:06:10,654 00:06:13,771 can be a real pisser! can be a real pisser!
92 00:06:14,374 00:06:18,765 Sire, the man in the time machine has just returned Sire, the man in the time machine has just returned
93 00:06:18,934 00:06:22,051 with the actual video of the birth of Christ. with the actual video of the birth of Christ.
94 00:06:22,214 00:06:25,365 - Would you care to...? - Not now, minion! - Would you care to...? - Not now, minion!
95 00:06:25,534 00:06:30,562 Also, next door the Rolling Stones are making a new album, Also, next door the Rolling Stones are making a new album,
96 00:06:30,734 00:06:35,285 while two hippopotamus make love underneath the piano. while two hippopotamus make love underneath the piano.
97 00:06:35,454 00:06:41,324 The King is bored shitless with interesting things, minion. The King is bored shitless with interesting things, minion.
98 00:06:41,494 00:06:44,372 And so am I. And so am I.
99 00:06:44,934 00:06:47,528 What I want is to meet someone What I want is to meet someone
100 00:06:47,694 00:06:53,485 who is totally and utterly mind-numbingly boring. who is totally and utterly mind-numbingly boring.
101 00:06:54,254 00:06:56,893 But I suppose I never will. But I suppose I never will.
102 00:06:57,694 00:07:00,367 (DEEP MELANCHOLY SIGH) (DEEP MELANCHOLY SIGH)
103 00:07:06,294 00:07:09,411 I suppose it's because I'm so boring I suppose it's because I'm so boring
104 00:07:09,574 00:07:12,566 that I never get to meet any interesting people. that I never get to meet any interesting people.
105 00:07:14,054 00:07:18,650 So you've decided to come in, Neil. We finished Monopoly, and you lost! So you've decided to come in, Neil. We finished Monopoly, and you lost!
106 00:07:18,814 00:07:21,567 Oh, I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did. Oh, I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did.
107 00:07:21,734 00:07:23,964 (BANGING AT THE FRONT DOOR) (BANGING AT THE FRONT DOOR)
108 00:07:24,854 00:07:27,652 - Someone at the door, Rick. - Someone at the door, Vyvyan. - Someone at the door, Rick. - Someone at the door, Vyvyan.
109 00:07:27,814 00:07:30,374 - Someone at the door, Neil. - Someone at the door, Mike. - Someone at the door, Neil. - Someone at the door, Mike.
110 00:07:30,534 00:07:33,332 I know! (HARDER BANGING AT THE DOOR) I know! (HARDER BANGING AT THE DOOR)
111 00:07:33,494 00:07:38,170 - Someone at the door, Rick! - Someone at the door, Vyvyan! - Someone at the door, Rick! - Someone at the door, Vyvyan!
112 00:07:38,334 00:07:43,647 - Someone at the door, Mike! - Someone at the door, Neil...? - Someone at the door, Mike! - Someone at the door, Neil...?
113 00:07:44,974 00:07:46,965 Don't look at me, I'm in Paris. Don't look at me, I'm in Paris.
114 00:07:48,414 00:07:52,692 - You haven't left the house all day. - You ever heard of cloning? - You haven't left the house all day. - You ever heard of cloning?
115 00:07:52,854 00:07:55,288 - No! - Would you swear to that? - No! - Would you swear to that?
116 00:07:55,454 00:07:58,810 Certainly, if that's what you want. Certainly, if that's what you want.
117 00:07:58,974 00:08:01,204 Big jobs! Big jobs!
118 00:08:02,334 00:08:03,653 Ow! Ow!
119 00:08:03,814 00:08:05,133 (MORE BANGING) (MORE BANGING)
120 00:08:05,294 00:08:08,172 Hey, guys. Great idea, listen. Hey, guys. Great idea, listen.
121 00:08:08,334 00:08:13,124 Listen, why don't we decide who's gonna answer the door, Listen, why don't we decide who's gonna answer the door,
122 00:08:13,294 00:08:17,253 and then that person can go and answer it, and then that person can go and answer it,
123 00:08:17,414 00:08:20,963 and find out who it is and who they want to see, and find out who it is and who they want to see,
124 00:08:21,134 00:08:27,607 come back in here and tell whoever it is that there's someone to see them. come back in here and tell whoever it is that there's someone to see them.
125 00:08:28,134 00:08:30,364 - Neil, do me a favour. - What? - Neil, do me a favour. - What?
126 00:08:30,534 00:08:32,923 Die! Die!
127 00:08:33,094 00:08:36,803 I suppose I'll have to answer it as usual. I suppose I'll have to answer it as usual.
128 00:08:43,854 00:08:46,687 All right? Somebody call a taxi? All right? Somebody call a taxi?
129 00:08:46,854 00:08:49,527 Billy Balowski! Who needs pleasure? Billy Balowski! Who needs pleasure?
130 00:08:49,694 00:08:54,484 - Hello, Billy. How are the trees? - Who called a taxi? - Hello, Billy. How are the trees? - Who called a taxi?
131 00:08:54,654 00:08:57,293 You got a message from Mr Balowski? You got a message from Mr Balowski?
132 00:08:57,454 00:09:01,891 - I'm Mr Balowski! - No, your brother Jerzei's message. - I'm Mr Balowski! - No, your brother Jerzei's message.
133 00:09:02,054 00:09:07,003 Got a piece of paper. Whoever called the taxi can have the message. Got a piece of paper. Whoever called the taxi can have the message.
134 00:09:07,814 00:09:10,453 All right, all right... I called a taxi. All right, all right... I called a taxi.
135 00:09:10,614 00:09:12,730 Okey-dokey, where do you want to go? Okey-dokey, where do you want to go?
136 00:09:13,374 00:09:18,767 - I don't want to go anywhere! - Why did you call a taxi, then? - I don't want to go anywhere! - Why did you call a taxi, then?
137 00:09:18,934 00:09:22,085 I had to come all the way from Brazil for this! I had to come all the way from Brazil for this!
138 00:09:22,254 00:09:25,405 They'll stop my wages! Know how much I earn? They'll stop my wages! Know how much I earn?
139 00:09:25,574 00:09:28,327 I can't even afford new shoelaces! I can't even afford new shoelaces!
140 00:09:28,494 00:09:31,213 It's a good job you're not a taxi driver, then! It's a good job you're not a taxi driver, then!
141 00:09:31,374 00:09:36,209 - Good job I'm wearing Wellingtons! - Look! Just give us the note! - Good job I'm wearing Wellingtons! - Look! Just give us the note!
142 00:09:37,774 00:09:41,210 - I'm thirsty. - It's in the cupboard. - I'm thirsty. - It's in the cupboard.
143 00:09:51,494 00:09:54,406 No, not the goldfish! No, not the goldfish!
144 00:09:54,574 00:09:56,485 (SLURPING NOISES) (SLURPING NOISES)
145 00:09:57,254 00:10:01,293 A-hem! Don't worry, goldfish everywhere! A-hem! Don't worry, goldfish everywhere!
146 00:10:01,454 00:10:04,730 I'm in fact a stunt goldfish. I'm in fact a stunt goldfish.
147 00:10:04,894 00:10:07,931 In fact, by the time this programme comes out, In fact, by the time this programme comes out,
148 00:10:08,094 00:10:11,484 I'll be doing the new James Bond film. I'll be doing the new James Bond film.
149 00:10:11,654 00:10:13,884 So there's no need to write in. So there's no need to write in.
150 00:10:14,054 00:10:16,329 Sure, they never read the letters anyway! Sure, they never read the letters anyway!
151 00:10:18,854 00:10:20,173 (LOUD BELCH) (LOUD BELCH)
152 00:10:22,734 00:10:25,373 Oh, hello, pussycat! Oh, hello, pussycat!
153 00:10:25,534 00:10:27,445 Here's your Uncle Billy. Here's your Uncle Billy.
154 00:10:27,614 00:10:29,605 What you doing in a bucket? What you doing in a bucket?
155 00:10:29,774 00:10:32,049 Come on, let's play Daleks! Come on, let's play Daleks!
156 00:10:32,214 00:10:34,284 Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
157 00:10:34,454 00:10:36,524 Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
158 00:10:36,694 00:10:39,288 'Ere, look, what am I now? 'Ere, look, what am I now?
159 00:10:39,454 00:10:41,729 Come on, quick, quick! Come on, quick, quick!
160 00:10:41,894 00:10:43,805 A pain in the arse? A pain in the arse?
161 00:10:43,974 00:10:47,649 No, I'm a hairbrush! OK, let's try another one. No, I'm a hairbrush! OK, let's try another one.
162 00:10:47,814 00:10:50,533 'Ere we go. What am I now? 'Ere we go. What am I now?
163 00:10:50,694 00:10:54,323 - Clinically insane? - No, Little House on the Prairie! - Clinically insane? - No, Little House on the Prairie!
164 00:10:54,894 00:10:56,885 - Billy... - Sir Billy! - Billy... - Sir Billy!
165 00:10:57,054 00:11:00,569 - Sir Billy... - Why don't you just go away? - Sir Billy... - Why don't you just go away?
166 00:11:00,734 00:11:04,773 - 'Cause I got a message for you! - Then give it to us! - 'Cause I got a message for you! - Then give it to us!
167 00:11:04,934 00:11:08,290 - Doesn't he get excited? - Aaaargh! - Doesn't he get excited? - Aaaargh!
168 00:11:08,454 00:11:12,208 Right, this is the message. I'll read it to you. Right, this is the message. I'll read it to you.
169 00:11:12,374 00:11:15,491 Are we ready, clocks? Right...hang on! Are we ready, clocks? Right...hang on!
170 00:11:15,654 00:11:19,124 There's no words on this. They must've fallen off. There's no words on this. They must've fallen off.
171 00:11:19,294 00:11:22,411 No, it's all right, they're on the other side... No, it's all right, they're on the other side...
172 00:11:23,054 00:11:25,045 - Finders keepers, losers weepers! - Rick! - Finders keepers, losers weepers! - Rick!
173 00:11:28,774 00:11:31,732 I've not always been mad, but... I've not always been mad, but...
174 00:11:31,894 00:11:35,569 I was driven mad by the indifference of architects and council planners. I was driven mad by the indifference of architects and council planners.
175 00:11:35,734 00:11:39,693 I live in a tower block, and there's a terrible noise problem. I live in a tower block, and there's a terrible noise problem.
176 00:11:39,854 00:11:42,652 There's no noise insulation, There's no noise insulation,
177 00:11:42,814 00:11:46,807 and there's always some bastard with a Yamaha home organ. and there's always some bastard with a Yamaha home organ.
178 00:11:46,974 00:11:50,205 You're about to go to sleep, and you hear... You're about to go to sleep, and you hear...
179 00:11:50,374 00:11:52,729 ''Roll out the barrel!'' ''Roll out the barrel!''
180 00:11:52,894 00:11:55,089 (IMITATES ELECTRONIC ORGAN) (IMITATES ELECTRONIC ORGAN)
181 00:11:55,254 00:11:59,611 The people who live upstairs, I can't understand what they're doing. The people who live upstairs, I can't understand what they're doing.
182 00:11:59,774 00:12:03,562 All I can hear is this weird noise. It goes, ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!'' All I can hear is this weird noise. It goes, ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!''
183 00:12:03,734 00:12:05,611 ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!'' ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!''
184 00:12:05,774 00:12:10,404 It sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round It sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round
185 00:12:10,574 00:12:14,328 while a seal bangs a kipper on the table. while a seal bangs a kipper on the table.
186 00:12:14,494 00:12:19,488 I went upstairs to complain and was met by an elephant in a crash helmet! I went upstairs to complain and was met by an elephant in a crash helmet!
187 00:12:19,654 00:12:23,772 Standing behind was a seal going, ''What is it now, Ralph?'' Standing behind was a seal going, ''What is it now, Ralph?''
188 00:12:23,934 00:12:28,325 Something cracked inside, and I thought I was a piece of sponge. Something cracked inside, and I thought I was a piece of sponge.
189 00:12:28,494 00:12:32,487 I started getting very depressed, and I just can't hold it down... I started getting very depressed, and I just can't hold it down...
190 00:12:34,014 00:12:36,323 What does the note say, Mike? What does the note say, Mike?
191 00:12:36,494 00:12:38,132 ''Dear boys, ''Dear boys,
192 00:12:38,294 00:12:41,206 ''Don't let Billy near the goldfish bowl. ''Don't let Billy near the goldfish bowl.
193 00:12:41,374 00:12:44,332 ''Your friend and landlord, Jerzei Balowski.'' ''Your friend and landlord, Jerzei Balowski.''
194 00:12:46,654 00:12:49,851 There's no one there. There's no one there.
195 00:12:50,014 00:12:52,369 God, how boring! God, how boring!
196 00:12:53,974 00:12:59,765 (ARTHUR BROWN) I am the god of hell-fire, I bring you fire... (ARTHUR BROWN) I am the god of hell-fire, I bring you fire...
197 00:13:04,374 00:13:06,842 - Would Mr Saunders like some cake? - Yes, please. - Would Mr Saunders like some cake? - Yes, please.
198 00:13:07,014 00:13:08,811 There we are, then. There we are, then.
199 00:13:08,974 00:13:11,807 - That looks nice, doesn't it? - Thank you. - That looks nice, doesn't it? - Thank you.
200 00:13:11,974 00:13:14,363 - Anything wrong? - I can't reach it. - Anything wrong? - I can't reach it.
201 00:13:14,534 00:13:17,367 He can't reach it. No problem. He can't reach it. No problem.
202 00:13:19,814 00:13:23,773 - Look, it's spilt some! - Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. - Look, it's spilt some! - Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
203 00:13:23,934 00:13:28,564 Who's a naughty boy? We'll have to get that cleaned up. Who's a naughty boy? We'll have to get that cleaned up.
204 00:13:28,734 00:13:30,452 - Orgo? - Yes, Futma? - Orgo? - Yes, Futma?
205 00:13:30,614 00:13:32,570 - Ftumch! - Ftumch. - Ftumch! - Ftumch.
206 00:13:32,734 00:13:35,646 Pass me that can of lager. Pass me that can of lager.
207 00:13:35,814 00:13:38,772 Soon have it looking like a new pin. Soon have it looking like a new pin.
208 00:13:38,934 00:13:40,925 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
209 00:13:41,454 00:13:42,773 Yeah! Yeah!
210 00:13:42,934 00:13:46,085 - Brillo pad. - Oh, no! No, please! - Brillo pad. - Oh, no! No, please!
211 00:13:50,494 00:13:53,930 - Let's give it some Barry Manilow. - Oh, no! - Let's give it some Barry Manilow. - Oh, no!
212 00:13:54,094 00:13:56,130 (MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES) (MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES)
213 00:13:56,294 00:13:59,206 It really gets off on Barry. It really gets off on Barry.
214 00:13:59,374 00:14:02,286 Orgo? Any news of your promotion? Orgo? Any news of your promotion?
215 00:14:02,454 00:14:03,967 Oh, yeah... Oh, yeah...
216 00:14:04,134 00:14:10,403 I've got another ten souls to collect and then it's a cushy job in admin. I've got another ten souls to collect and then it's a cushy job in admin.
217 00:14:10,574 00:14:14,169 Mind you, it's taken me five millennia to get this far, Mind you, it's taken me five millennia to get this far,
218 00:14:14,334 00:14:17,804 'cause no one summons you up to Earth with a name like Orgo. 'cause no one summons you up to Earth with a name like Orgo.
219 00:14:17,974 00:14:21,523 People don't say Orgo by accident, do they? People don't say Orgo by accident, do they?
220 00:14:21,694 00:14:25,050 Oh, is it not loud enough for you? Oh, is it not loud enough for you?
221 00:14:27,454 00:14:29,445 At least you're in with a chance. At least you're in with a chance.
222 00:14:29,614 00:14:34,404 Someone might say, ''Shall we go to the theatre or-go to the cinema?'' Someone might say, ''Shall we go to the theatre or-go to the cinema?''
223 00:14:34,574 00:14:38,362 They might say, ''Shall we go shopping or-go...?'' They might say, ''Shall we go shopping or-go...?''
224 00:14:38,534 00:14:42,049 But no one ever says my name. No one says Ftumch. But no one ever says my name. No one says Ftumch.
225 00:14:42,214 00:14:45,968 - Why couldn't I be called William? - I don't know. - Why couldn't I be called William? - I don't know.
226 00:14:46,134 00:14:48,887 'Ere, look at this. 'Ere, look at this.
227 00:14:50,894 00:14:52,566 - What's that? - Dunno. - What's that? - Dunno.
228 00:14:52,734 00:14:54,725 Bloody hell! Bloody hell!
229 00:14:58,014 00:14:59,891 Bloody hell! Bloody hell!
230 00:15:00,054 00:15:02,932 No room for me on the sofa as usual. No room for me on the sofa as usual.
231 00:15:03,094 00:15:06,484 I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. I'll have to sit on the rickety chair.
232 00:15:06,654 00:15:08,565 Oh, goody gum drops! Oh, goody gum drops!
233 00:15:08,734 00:15:12,204 Just in time to watch ''Oh, Crikey'' on ITV. Just in time to watch ''Oh, Crikey'' on ITV.
234 00:15:12,374 00:15:15,684 Oh, Rick! We were watching ''Bastard Squad''. Oh, Rick! We were watching ''Bastard Squad''.
235 00:15:15,854 00:15:20,405 Were you? Get off the sofa and turn it over, I don't mind. Were you? Get off the sofa and turn it over, I don't mind.
236 00:15:21,454 00:15:25,083 Oh...no, I've hurt my back. Oh...no, I've hurt my back.
237 00:15:25,254 00:15:27,210 What a shame! What a shame!
238 00:15:27,374 00:15:31,003 (WOMAN) No, that"ll be the vicarI Answer the door. (WOMAN) No, that"ll be the vicarI Answer the door.
239 00:15:31,174 00:15:34,723 - Why can"t you? - I have my apron onI Ha-haI - Why can"t you? - I have my apron onI Ha-haI
240 00:15:34,894 00:15:37,966 I"ll go and take it off while you answer the door. I"ll go and take it off while you answer the door.
241 00:15:38,134 00:15:39,453 RightI RightI
242 00:15:42,454 00:15:45,173 No, no...I Oh, dear. No, no...I Oh, dear.
243 00:15:45,334 00:15:49,771 My trousers have fallen down. Lucky the vicar didn"t see. My trousers have fallen down. Lucky the vicar didn"t see.
244 00:15:49,934 00:15:53,290 No, Biffo, noI No, Biffo, noI
245 00:15:53,454 00:15:57,766 Come here, you naughty boyI Biffo, hold still. Come here, you naughty boyI Biffo, hold still.
246 00:15:57,934 00:16:00,050 Biffo, come hereI Biffo, come hereI
247 00:16:00,214 00:16:03,126 - Oh, crikeyI - CrikeyI - Oh, crikeyI - CrikeyI
248 00:16:03,294 00:16:05,285 I can explain... I can explain...
249 00:16:07,414 00:16:09,211 Oh, crikeyI Oh, crikeyI
250 00:16:11,534 00:16:15,288 Ha-ha! Fooled you! You fell right into my trap! Ha-ha! Fooled you! You fell right into my trap!
251 00:16:15,454 00:16:18,207 - You can sit on the rickety chair. - Yeah? - You can sit on the rickety chair. - Yeah?
252 00:16:18,374 00:16:20,285 Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
253 00:16:22,734 00:16:25,851 I'll sit on the floor, if that's all right with you? I'll sit on the floor, if that's all right with you?
254 00:16:26,014 00:16:28,130 Mike? Not in your way, am I? Mike? Not in your way, am I?
255 00:16:28,294 00:16:30,569 This is my favourite programme. This is my favourite programme.
256 00:16:30,734 00:16:34,727 It'd be typical if it was interrupted by a news flash about a siege. It'd be typical if it was interrupted by a news flash about a siege.
257 00:16:37,334 00:16:39,370 (ANNOUNCER) We interrupt this programme (ANNOUNCER) We interrupt this programme
258 00:16:39,534 00:16:43,288 to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage of a siege in north London. to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage of a siege in north London.
259 00:16:43,454 00:16:47,413 We join BBC"s reporter, Dan Prick, on the spot. Dan... We join BBC"s reporter, Dan Prick, on the spot. Dan...
260 00:16:48,094 00:16:49,652 A lunatic terrorist, A lunatic terrorist,
261 00:16:49,814 00:16:53,204 a raving red, who crops up now we"ve stopped running the world, a raving red, who crops up now we"ve stopped running the world,
262 00:16:53,374 00:16:58,573 is now taking refuge in a slum dwelling, a place for squatters. is now taking refuge in a slum dwelling, a place for squatters.
263 00:16:58,734 00:17:02,249 A police and army siege is now under way. A police and army siege is now under way.
264 00:17:02,414 00:17:04,086 Oh, Christ! Oh, Christ!
265 00:17:04,254 00:17:06,051 Boring! Boring!
266 00:17:06,214 00:17:09,843 Now we get a shot of a street for the next four hours! Now we get a shot of a street for the next four hours!
267 00:17:10,014 00:17:13,848 Nothing ever happens in these things. If it does, we don't get to see it. Nothing ever happens in these things. If it does, we don't get to see it.
268 00:17:14,014 00:17:18,530 Looks like something"s happening. The police and army are moving in. Looks like something"s happening. The police and army are moving in.
269 00:17:19,894 00:17:21,213 Right on! Right on!
270 00:17:21,374 00:17:23,649 Rule Britannia! Rule Britannia!
271 00:17:23,814 00:17:27,966 A tiny figure jumps over a gate. Rule Britannia! A tiny figure jumps over a gate. Rule Britannia!
272 00:17:28,134 00:17:32,730 (MACHINE GUN FIRE) They're dubbing that sound on! (MACHINE GUN FIRE) They're dubbing that sound on!
273 00:17:34,614 00:17:37,890 - Isn't that your car, Vyv? - No. - Isn't that your car, Vyv? - No.
274 00:17:38,054 00:17:41,126 Mine's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the side. Mine's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the side.
275 00:17:41,294 00:17:43,854 That's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames. That's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames.
276 00:17:44,014 00:17:46,847 But it's not mine, is it? But it's not mine, is it?
277 00:17:49,294 00:17:52,491 God! That was a loud one. God! That was a loud one.
278 00:17:53,934 00:17:56,607 Look, is anybody watching this? Look, is anybody watching this?
279 00:17:56,774 00:17:58,287 (REPORTER) That"s it. (REPORTER) That"s it.
280 00:17:58,454 00:18:03,847 Sorry about ""Bastard Squad"", but at least we got the mad coon, eh? Sorry about ""Bastard Squad"", but at least we got the mad coon, eh?
281 00:18:17,534 00:18:19,889 Hey, guys! Hey, guys!
282 00:18:20,054 00:18:22,614 Why don't we eat? Why don't we eat?
283 00:18:22,774 00:18:24,924 That'd be interesting, wouldn't it? That'd be interesting, wouldn't it?
284 00:18:25,094 00:18:26,766 Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
285 00:18:26,934 00:18:29,368 Yes, eat, eat. Yes, eat, eat.
286 00:18:31,694 00:18:35,448 I wonder how many lentils I've eaten in my life. I wonder how many lentils I've eaten in my life.
287 00:18:35,614 00:18:39,448 - Four! - It must be more than that, Vyv. - Four! - It must be more than that, Vyv.
288 00:18:39,614 00:18:41,764 Lentils are really good. Lentils are really good.
289 00:18:41,934 00:18:46,132 No matter how often you have them, they never get boring. No matter how often you have them, they never get boring.
290 00:18:48,814 00:18:52,124 Neil, that's our tea! You've just blown it up. Neil, that's our tea! You've just blown it up.
291 00:18:52,934 00:18:55,448 Well, I didn't do it on purpose. Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
292 00:18:55,614 00:18:58,287 We paid for that, 15p, pay up! We paid for that, 15p, pay up!
293 00:18:58,454 00:19:01,014 But I haven't collected this week's money. But I haven't collected this week's money.
294 00:19:01,174 00:19:04,849 - That's hardly the point. - But it was an accident. - That's hardly the point. - But it was an accident.
295 00:19:05,014 00:19:08,211 I just looked at it, and it blew up, Rick. I just looked at it, and it blew up, Rick.
296 00:19:09,094 00:19:13,212 There's still some on the wall. Maybe we can save some. There's still some on the wall. Maybe we can save some.
297 00:19:14,374 00:19:18,333 I'll get some together for supper, then. I'll get some together for supper, then.
298 00:19:21,694 00:19:24,606 Let's do something. We're bored stupid. Let's do something. We're bored stupid.
299 00:19:24,774 00:19:27,368 Ha-ha! Rick didn't have far to go! Ha-ha! Rick didn't have far to go!
300 00:19:27,534 00:19:30,253 I knew you'd say that. I knew you'd say that.
301 00:19:30,414 00:19:34,532 - That's a complete lie, you poof! - I knew you'd say that, too! - That's a complete lie, you poof! - I knew you'd say that, too!
302 00:19:36,494 00:19:39,452 You didn't know I'd do that, did you? You didn't know I'd do that, did you?
303 00:19:39,614 00:19:42,447 All right, Vyvyan, I didn't know that. All right, Vyvyan, I didn't know that.
304 00:19:42,614 00:19:45,287 We're bored stupid with nothing to eat. We're bored stupid with nothing to eat.
305 00:19:45,454 00:19:49,129 The time has come for us to go down to the pub. The time has come for us to go down to the pub.
306 00:19:49,294 00:19:53,572 Darling carrot, could you ever love a cripple? Darling carrot, could you ever love a cripple?
307 00:19:53,734 00:19:56,328 No, I don't think so. No, I don't think so.
308 00:19:58,694 00:20:01,447 (''HOUSE OF FUN'' BY MADNESS) (''HOUSE OF FUN'' BY MADNESS)
309 00:20:13,654 00:20:17,010 # Good morning, Miss Can I help you, son? # Good morning, Miss Can I help you, son?
310 00:20:17,174 00:20:20,211 # Sixteen today and up for fun # Sixteen today and up for fun
311 00:20:20,814 00:20:25,012 # I'm a big boy now or so they say So if you'll serve I'll be on my way # I'm a big boy now or so they say So if you'll serve I'll be on my way
312 00:20:28,734 00:20:31,931 # Box of balloons With a featherlite touch # Box of balloons With a featherlite touch
313 00:20:32,094 00:20:35,689 # Pack of party poppers That pop in the night # Pack of party poppers That pop in the night
314 00:20:35,854 00:20:37,924 # A toothbrush and hairspray, Plastic grin # A toothbrush and hairspray, Plastic grin
315 00:20:38,094 00:20:39,971 # Miss Clay on all corners Has just walked in # Miss Clay on all corners Has just walked in
316 00:20:40,134 00:20:43,649 # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age
317 00:20:43,814 00:20:46,408 # Welcome to the House of Fun # Welcome to the House of Fun
318 00:20:47,574 00:20:51,089 # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way... # # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way... #
319 00:20:53,774 00:20:56,208 I tell you somewhere else I've never been. I tell you somewhere else I've never been.
320 00:20:56,374 00:20:58,729 - Where? - Down. - Where? - Down.
321 00:21:00,094 00:21:03,882 # N-n-n-no, no, Miss You misunderstood # N-n-n-no, no, Miss You misunderstood
322 00:21:04,054 00:21:07,205 # Sixteen, big boy Full pint in my manhood # Sixteen, big boy Full pint in my manhood
323 00:21:07,814 00:21:11,853 # I'm up to date and the date's today So if you'll serve I'll be on my way # I'm up to date and the date's today So if you'll serve I'll be on my way
324 00:21:12,014 00:21:15,450 # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age
325 00:21:15,614 00:21:19,209 # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way... # # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way... #
326 00:21:22,054 00:21:24,090 Which one are we going to? Which one are we going to?
327 00:21:24,254 00:21:28,088 - Down the Kebab. - Doner kebab? I've already eaten. - Down the Kebab. - Doner kebab? I've already eaten.
328 00:21:28,254 00:21:29,573 Shut up! Shut up!
329 00:21:32,254 00:21:35,769 # I'm sorry, son But we don't stock # I'm sorry, son But we don't stock
330 00:21:35,934 00:21:39,085 # Party gimmicks in this shop # Party gimmicks in this shop
331 00:21:40,094 00:21:43,643 # Try the House of Fun It's quicker if you run # Try the House of Fun It's quicker if you run
332 00:21:43,814 00:21:46,533 # This is a chemist Not a joke shop # This is a chemist Not a joke shop
333 00:21:46,694 00:21:49,970 # Party hats Simple enough, clear # Party hats Simple enough, clear
334 00:21:50,134 00:21:53,604 # Comprehende, savvy, understand Do you hear? # Comprehende, savvy, understand Do you hear?
335 00:21:53,774 00:21:57,813 # A pack of party hats With the coloured tips # A pack of party hats With the coloured tips
336 00:21:57,974 00:22:00,966 # Too late Gorgon's heard gossip # Too late Gorgon's heard gossip
337 00:22:01,134 00:22:03,045 # Well, hello, Joe Hello, Miss Clay # Well, hello, Joe Hello, Miss Clay
338 00:22:03,214 00:22:04,806 # Many happy returns from the day # Many happy returns from the day
339 00:22:04,974 00:22:08,762 # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age
340 00:22:08,934 00:22:12,244 # Welcome to the House of Fun # Welcome to the House of Fun
341 00:22:12,414 00:22:16,293 # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way # Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way
342 00:22:16,454 00:22:20,129 # Welcome to the House of Fun # Welcome to the House of Fun
343 00:22:20,294 00:22:23,684 # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age # Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age
344 00:22:23,854 00:22:26,448 # Welcome to the House of... # # Welcome to the House of... #
345 00:22:29,454 00:22:31,445 (SINGER) Thank you. (SINGER) Thank you.
346 00:22:33,374 00:22:36,366 - Is there a band on tonight? - No, no! - Is there a band on tonight? - No, no!
347 00:22:36,534 00:22:40,163 (NEIL) Why not? (BAND ) Electricity. On strike. (NEIL) Why not? (BAND ) Electricity. On strike.
348 00:22:40,334 00:22:41,653 Heavy. Heavy.
349 00:22:41,814 00:22:45,090 Do you know ''Summer Holiday'' by Cliff Richard? Do you know ''Summer Holiday'' by Cliff Richard?
350 00:22:45,254 00:22:48,087 You hum it, I'll smash your face in. You hum it, I'll smash your face in.
351 00:22:48,254 00:22:50,529 I'll go and sit over there. I'll go and sit over there.
352 00:22:50,694 00:22:53,686 It's madness, isn't it? It's an embarrassment. It's madness, isn't it? It's an embarrassment.
353 00:23:01,374 00:23:04,366 Just as I expected, totally boring! Just as I expected, totally boring!
354 00:23:04,534 00:23:07,048 The service is terrible, too. The service is terrible, too.
355 00:23:07,214 00:23:08,886 Waiter! Waiter!
356 00:23:10,134 00:23:12,090 Waiter! Waiter!
357 00:23:13,494 00:23:15,485 You, woman! You, woman!
358 00:23:17,454 00:23:22,528 Look, I stole some money from Rick's bedroom, so I'll get these. Look, I stole some money from Rick's bedroom, so I'll get these.
359 00:23:23,974 00:23:27,444 - What would you like, Rick? - Coffee, please, Vyvyan. - What would you like, Rick? - Coffee, please, Vyvyan.
360 00:23:27,614 00:23:29,730 This is a pub, they don't do coffee. This is a pub, they don't do coffee.
361 00:23:29,894 00:23:33,330 In that case, I don't want anything. It's not clever to drink. In that case, I don't want anything. It's not clever to drink.
362 00:23:33,494 00:23:35,325 - I want to stay in control. - Mike? - I want to stay in control. - Mike?
363 00:23:35,494 00:23:38,372 - Water, Vyvyan. In a straight glass. - Uh-uh. - Water, Vyvyan. In a straight glass. - Uh-uh.
364 00:23:38,534 00:23:42,846 - Neil? - Just a bag of crisps, please, Vyv. - Neil? - Just a bag of crisps, please, Vyv.
365 00:23:43,014 00:23:48,327 Not meat-flavoured, as I don't abuse my body and the world I live in. Not meat-flavoured, as I don't abuse my body and the world I live in.
366 00:23:49,334 00:23:53,122 OK, I want a pint of water in a straight glass, OK, I want a pint of water in a straight glass,
367 00:23:53,294 00:23:55,728 a bag of roast ox crisps, a bag of roast ox crisps,
368 00:23:55,894 00:23:58,454 and mine's a Babycham. and mine's a Babycham.
369 00:24:03,614 00:24:07,687 - Hello, Vyvyan! - Oh...hello, Mum. - Hello, Vyvyan! - Oh...hello, Mum.
370 00:24:08,974 00:24:13,286 Fancy seeing you here. I didn't know you lived in London. Fancy seeing you here. I didn't know you lived in London.
371 00:24:13,454 00:24:15,251 Yeah, yeah... Yeah, yeah...
372 00:24:17,414 00:24:18,972 How's Dad? How's Dad?
373 00:24:19,134 00:24:22,331 Honestly, I do wish you wouldn't ask me that. Honestly, I do wish you wouldn't ask me that.
374 00:24:22,494 00:24:25,930 You know I've absolutely no idea who he is. You know I've absolutely no idea who he is.
375 00:24:26,094 00:24:30,485 Well, Vyvyan, you never said your mother was a bartender. Well, Vyvyan, you never said your mother was a bartender.
376 00:24:31,454 00:24:35,413 Well, she was a shoplifter when I knew her! Well, she was a shoplifter when I knew her!
377 00:24:35,574 00:24:38,566 She doesn't look strong enough. She doesn't look strong enough.
378 00:24:39,694 00:24:41,207 To lift shops. To lift shops.
379 00:24:41,374 00:24:46,164 - That'll be �28.50, Vyvyan. - I've only got a fiver! - That'll be �28.50, Vyvyan. - I've only got a fiver!
380 00:24:47,214 00:24:50,012 I'll have the ring and the watch. I'll have the ring and the watch.
381 00:24:56,174 00:24:59,484 Ain't you gonna introduce me to your friends? Ain't you gonna introduce me to your friends?
382 00:24:59,654 00:25:01,963 This is a friend called Mike. This is a friend called Mike.
383 00:25:02,134 00:25:04,568 This is a friend called Neil. This is a friend called Neil.
384 00:25:04,734 00:25:08,170 That's a complete bastard I know called Rick. That's a complete bastard I know called Rick.
385 00:25:08,334 00:25:13,089 He's just joshing, Mrs Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends. He's just joshing, Mrs Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.
386 00:25:13,254 00:25:15,848 Oh, he is a bastard, isn't he? Oh, he is a bastard, isn't he?
387 00:25:16,814 00:25:21,126 Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name? Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?
388 00:25:24,334 00:25:27,690 Come and tell me what you've been doing the last ten years. Come and tell me what you've been doing the last ten years.
389 00:25:27,854 00:25:32,211 - OK, Mum. - Not you, zit face! - OK, Mum. - Not you, zit face!
390 00:25:32,374 00:25:35,252 - Him! - Hey, Vyv! Vyv! - Him! - Hey, Vyv! Vyv!
391 00:25:37,454 00:25:39,445 I should've stayed at home. I should've stayed at home.
392 00:25:45,494 00:25:50,852 # If you go down in the woods today You"re sure of a big surprise # If you go down in the woods today You"re sure of a big surprise
393 00:25:51,014 00:25:56,168 # If you go down in the woods today You better go in disguise # If you go down in the woods today You better go in disguise
394 00:25:56,334 00:26:01,454 # For every bear that ever there was Will gather there for certain because # For every bear that ever there was Will gather there for certain because
395 00:26:01,614 00:26:07,132 # Today"s the day The teddy bears have their picnic # # Today"s the day The teddy bears have their picnic #
396 00:26:16,414 00:26:19,247 Uurgh! Bloody hippie food! Uurgh! Bloody hippie food!
397 00:26:19,854 00:26:24,325 Coming, Mike, or still talking to the old bag about your herpes? Coming, Mike, or still talking to the old bag about your herpes?
398 00:26:24,494 00:26:26,644 Excuse me, Mrs Vyvyan. Excuse me, Mrs Vyvyan.
399 00:26:29,214 00:26:34,004 - ..because you're conservative. - I think pubs are bourgeois. - ..because you're conservative. - I think pubs are bourgeois.
400 00:26:35,334 00:26:38,007 - Right-o, Mike. - All right, let's go. - Right-o, Mike. - All right, let's go.
401 00:26:41,894 00:26:45,569 'Course, you see, I look at life like this... 'Course, you see, I look at life like this...
402 00:26:49,454 00:26:52,207 - Why's that? Problems? - Yeah. - Why's that? Problems? - Yeah.
403 00:26:52,814 00:26:56,011 Had a heavy bust-up this morning with my lady. Had a heavy bust-up this morning with my lady.
404 00:26:56,174 00:26:58,847 WPC...? WPC...?
405 00:26:59,014 00:27:01,653 Dunno, never could remember her name. Dunno, never could remember her name.
406 00:27:01,814 00:27:05,568 It's got a four in it, 'cause I remember surrounding one. It's got a four in it, 'cause I remember surrounding one.
407 00:27:05,734 00:27:08,487 - Has it got a tail? - Yeah. - Has it got a tail? - Yeah.
408 00:27:08,654 00:27:10,645 It's a ''Q'', yeah. It's a ''Q'', yeah.
409 00:27:11,294 00:27:13,364 Pretty sure. Pretty sure.
410 00:27:14,294 00:27:17,092 I've been going out 'kin years. I've been going out 'kin years.
411 00:27:18,334 00:27:21,167 - How long? - 'Kin years. - How long? - 'Kin years.
412 00:27:21,334 00:27:24,326 Reckon if I played me cards right, I could've... Reckon if I played me cards right, I could've...
413 00:27:27,094 00:27:29,210 - Kneed her in the groin? - No, the other one. - Kneed her in the groin? - No, the other one.
414 00:27:29,374 00:27:31,251 - Slept with her? - Yeah. - Slept with her? - Yeah.
415 00:27:31,414 00:27:34,326 I could've slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said. I could've slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said.
416 00:27:34,494 00:27:39,932 Well, we had a row, and I said something about the Pope. Well, we had a row, and I said something about the Pope.
417 00:27:40,094 00:27:42,324 That's a bit stupid, she's Catholic. That's a bit stupid, she's Catholic.
418 00:27:42,494 00:27:46,487 I know she's Catholic. I didn't know the Pope was. I know she's Catholic. I didn't know the Pope was.
419 00:27:47,734 00:27:50,532 It's a laugh, eh, innit? It's a laugh, eh, innit?
420 00:27:50,694 00:27:52,013 What? What?
421 00:27:53,134 00:27:56,888 That noise you make in the back of your throat. That noise you make in the back of your throat.
422 00:27:57,054 00:27:59,170 Yeah, that's a laugh. Yeah, that's a laugh.
423 00:28:10,574 00:28:14,965 Know what? There are now more tin cans than people. Know what? There are now more tin cans than people.
424 00:28:15,494 00:28:17,724 Neil, wanna see my new trick? Neil, wanna see my new trick?
425 00:28:17,894 00:28:19,452 (NEIL CHANTS) (NEIL CHANTS)
426 00:28:20,054 00:28:25,048 - Mike, wanna see my new trick? - No, I'm busy with the paper. - Mike, wanna see my new trick? - No, I'm busy with the paper.
427 00:28:25,214 00:28:26,693 - Rick? - No! - Rick? - No!
428 00:28:26,854 00:28:30,005 I've got something more important to think about actually. I've got something more important to think about actually.
429 00:28:30,174 00:28:34,372 Look, watch my trick, you bastards, or I'll kill you! Look, watch my trick, you bastards, or I'll kill you!
430 00:28:36,094 00:28:38,130 Brilliant, eh? Brilliant, eh?
431 00:28:40,614 00:28:44,402 Oh, dear...wrong finger! Oh, dear...wrong finger!
432 00:28:51,574 00:28:53,644 Hey, Vyvyan! Hey, Vyvyan!
433 00:28:53,814 00:28:57,853 Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers! Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers!
434 00:28:58,014 00:29:01,768 Hey, listen to this: ''Under the new ruling, Hey, listen to this: ''Under the new ruling,
435 00:29:01,934 00:29:05,483 ''all a student needs to qualify for an increased grant ''all a student needs to qualify for an increased grant
436 00:29:05,654 00:29:11,604 ''is a...nmkl pkjl ftumch... from the local authority.'' ''is a...nmkl pkjl ftumch... from the local authority.''
437 00:29:13,814 00:29:18,683 - What was that? - A nmkl pkjl ftumch. - What was that? - A nmkl pkjl ftumch.
438 00:29:18,854 00:29:21,322 Don't you ever read The Guardian, Neil? Don't you ever read The Guardian, Neil?
439 00:29:21,494 00:29:23,564 What's a ftumch? What's a ftumch?
440 00:29:28,214 00:29:29,932 I've got three minutes. I've got three minutes.
441 00:29:30,094 00:29:33,643 Nah, it doesn't seem to make any sense. Nah, it doesn't seem to make any sense.
442 00:29:35,174 00:29:37,642 Neil, have you just farted? Neil, have you just farted?
443 00:29:41,294 00:29:42,807 I don't think so. I don't think so.
444 00:29:42,974 00:29:48,048 There's a horrible farty smell, and it's definitely not from my bottom! There's a horrible farty smell, and it's definitely not from my bottom!
445 00:29:50,334 00:29:55,488 - Knickers! - It's worse than cattle's business! - Knickers! - It's worse than cattle's business!
446 00:30:00,374 00:30:03,571 (RICK) That's better. - Knackers! (RICK) That's better. - Knackers!
447 00:30:05,254 00:30:08,929 Was it you that farted, Mike? Was it you that farted, Mike?
448 00:30:09,094 00:30:13,849 Who can tell, Neil? I'm a strange guy. Who can tell, Neil? I'm a strange guy.
449 00:30:14,014 00:30:17,563 I'll deal with that spotty herbert later. I'll deal with that spotty herbert later.
450 00:30:17,734 00:30:19,725 Look, a little girl. Look, a little girl.
451 00:30:20,534 00:30:22,525 Meditate on this! Meditate on this!
452 00:30:22,694 00:30:25,492 (CRACKLING ELECTRIC CURRENT) (CRACKLING ELECTRIC CURRENT)
453 00:30:30,374 00:30:31,693 Hey! Hey!
454 00:30:31,854 00:30:34,084 I just had a great idea! I just had a great idea!
455 00:30:35,254 00:30:38,451 Why don't we go and see a film? Yes! Why don't we go and see a film? Yes!
456 00:30:38,614 00:30:42,402 Let's go and see a film. Where's the local paper, Mike? Let's go and see a film. Where's the local paper, Mike?
457 00:30:42,574 00:30:45,247 In the local paper shop, where d'you think? In the local paper shop, where d'you think?
458 00:30:45,414 00:30:46,733 Right! Right!
459 00:30:49,134 00:30:51,284 - Hey, Rick? - Yes? - Hey, Rick? - Yes?
460 00:30:51,454 00:30:55,606 I'm just going down the local paper shop, OK? I'm just going down the local paper shop, OK?
461 00:31:05,414 00:31:09,407 That's funny, I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head! That's funny, I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head!
462 00:31:12,814 00:31:14,611 I don't believe it! I don't believe it!
463 00:31:28,014 00:31:30,244 Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha! Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha!
464 00:31:30,414 00:31:35,408 Well, Mr Sambo Darkie Coon, I've got your number, you're nicked! Well, Mr Sambo Darkie Coon, I've got your number, you're nicked!
465 00:31:35,574 00:31:41,888 - Is anything the matter, officer? - Don't we talk lovely, Mr Rastas Chocolate Drop? - Is anything the matter, officer? - Don't we talk lovely, Mr Rastas Chocolate Drop?
466 00:31:42,054 00:31:44,966 I've done a weekend's training with the SAS. I've done a weekend's training with the SAS.
467 00:31:45,134 00:31:48,410 I could pull your arms off without a trace of violence! I could pull your arms off without a trace of violence!
468 00:31:48,574 00:31:53,045 - Lord Scarman need never know. - What seems to be the trouble? - Lord Scarman need never know. - What seems to be the trouble?
469 00:31:53,214 00:31:56,889 That's white man's electricity you're burning! That's theft! That's white man's electricity you're burning! That's theft!
470 00:31:57,054 00:31:58,885 I've got your number! I've got your number!
471 00:31:59,054 00:32:03,047 Officer, I represent Kellogg's Cornflakes Car Competition. Officer, I represent Kellogg's Cornflakes Car Competition.
472 00:32:04,094 00:32:06,608 Oh! Sorry, John. Oh! Sorry, John.
473 00:32:06,774 00:32:09,811 I thought you was a nigger. Sorry, sir. I thought you was a nigger. Sorry, sir.
474 00:32:09,974 00:32:11,487 Carry on! Carry on!
475 00:32:13,174 00:32:15,483 Hey, guess what, kid? Hey, guess what, kid?
476 00:32:15,654 00:32:17,804 You've won a new Ford Tippex. You've won a new Ford Tippex.
477 00:32:17,974 00:32:22,809 (SATAN) Ftumch, your time is upI - I think you got the wrong house. (SATAN) Ftumch, your time is upI - I think you got the wrong house.
478 00:32:25,654 00:32:28,646 What a piece of luck! What a piece of luck!
479 00:32:32,254 00:32:33,573 God! God!
480 00:32:33,734 00:32:36,123 What a boring day! What a boring day!
481 00:32:38,534 00:32:42,573 I went to the shop, but they didn't have a local paper. I went to the shop, but they didn't have a local paper.
482 00:32:42,734 00:32:46,886 They obviously don't come from this area, Neil. They obviously don't come from this area, Neil.
483 00:32:47,054 00:32:50,285 Hey, guys, tomorrow... Hey, guys, tomorrow...
484 00:32:50,454 00:32:53,764 ..why don't we, as just a suggestion, ..why don't we, as just a suggestion,
485 00:32:53,934 00:32:57,051 why don't we try going into college? why don't we try going into college?
486 00:32:59,534 00:33:01,923 Now, Neil, listen... Now, Neil, listen...
487 00:33:02,094 00:33:05,643 ..things may be bad, but there's no need to panic! ..things may be bad, but there's no need to panic!
488 00:33:06,374 00:33:09,969 No, I'll treat this problem like my mattress... No, I'll treat this problem like my mattress...
489 00:33:10,134 00:33:12,568 ..and sleep on it. ..and sleep on it.
490 00:33:12,734 00:33:14,053 Goodnight. Goodnight.
491 00:33:20,094 00:33:21,891 (OWL HOOTS) (OWL HOOTS)
492 00:33:24,574 00:33:27,930 (MUSIC: ''THE TEDDY BEARS' PICNIC'') (MUSIC: ''THE TEDDY BEARS' PICNIC'')
493 00:33:31,574 00:33:34,532 (FATHER BEAR) Who's been gobbing in my lentils? (FATHER BEAR) Who's been gobbing in my lentils?
494 00:33:34,694 00:33:38,050 (MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Who's been gobbing in our lentils? (MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Who's been gobbing in our lentils?
495 00:33:38,214 00:33:40,887 (FATHER BEAR) Sod it! Let's go to MacDonald's. (FATHER BEAR) Sod it! Let's go to MacDonald's.
496 00:33:41,054 00:33:43,045 (MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Yes! (MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Yes!
497 00:33:50,614 00:33:53,845 (BABY BEAR) Hee-hee! Hee-hee! (BABY BEAR) Hee-hee! Hee-hee!
498 00:34:00,574 00:34:03,566 (ELECTRONIC PULSE) (ELECTRONIC PULSE)