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1 00:00:00,440 00:00:02,039 (Terri) Can I cancel the subscription? (Terri) Can I cancel the subscription?
2 00:00:02,040 00:00:05,040 Actually, he's dead. I've got to go. Can I take it that it's cancelled? Thank you. Actually, he's dead. I've got to go. Can I take it that it's cancelled? Thank you.
3 00:00:07,200 00:00:10,159 I'm the Minister for fucking Social Affairs. Hugh Abbot. I'm the Minister for fucking Social Affairs. Hugh Abbot.
4 00:00:10,160 00:00:13,160 Could you explain to these people I'm the reason why they're here? Could you explain to these people I'm the reason why they're here?
5 00:00:14,440 00:00:16,919 (Terri) Sorry about that. (Hugh) Amazing place. (Terri) Sorry about that. (Hugh) Amazing place.
6 00:00:16,920 00:00:18,559 (Terri) Welcome back. (Hugh) Thank you. (Terri) Welcome back. (Hugh) Thank you.
7 00:00:18,560 00:00:21,559 It's ironic, we're both back on the same day. It's ironic, we're both back on the same day.
8 00:00:21,560 00:00:24,560 Although your reasons for being away were more important than mine. Although your reasons for being away were more important than mine.
9 00:00:25,640 00:00:27,599 - Just a frivolous holiday. - No, no... - Just a frivolous holiday. - No, no...
10 00:00:27,600 00:00:30,600 It was fantastic, though. Italy. You can't go wrong with Italy. It was fantastic, though. Italy. You can't go wrong with Italy.
11 00:00:30,640 00:00:33,640 - But how are you? - Really upset and sad about it. - But how are you? - Really upset and sad about it.
12 00:00:34,600 00:00:37,600 - That your father had died. - My father had died. - That your father had died. - My father had died.
13 00:00:38,720 00:00:40,319 Anyway...erm... Anyway...erm...
14 00:00:40,320 00:00:42,079 - Shall we...? - We're upstairs. - Shall we...? - We're upstairs.
15 00:00:42,080 00:00:44,199 ..get a bit ofa wiggle on. Yes. ..get a bit ofa wiggle on. Yes.
16 00:00:44,200 00:00:47,200 - So, this is like a sort ofgoverning mall. - There's actually quite a few problems here. - So, this is like a sort ofgoverning mall. - There's actually quite a few problems here.
17 00:00:49,280 00:00:52,280 - The e-mail system isn't working. - Oh. - The e-mail system isn't working. - Oh.
18 00:00:52,920 00:00:55,920 - And the intelligent ventilation... - Intelligent ventilation? - And the intelligent ventilation... - Intelligent ventilation?
19 00:00:57,080 00:01:00,080 What we've got is a wind tunnel up in the Asylum Directorate. What we've got is a wind tunnel up in the Asylum Directorate.
20 00:01:00,440 00:01:02,679 Don't let any ofthose out as Diary stories. Don't let any ofthose out as Diary stories.
21 00:01:02,680 00:01:05,680 - This is us. - Right. A bit too light and airy for my liking. - This is us. - Right. A bit too light and airy for my liking.
22 00:01:06,560 00:01:08,599 Ooh...and these are awful. Ooh...and these are awful.
23 00:01:08,600 00:01:11,600 Do we have to have those? They look like Alicia's Barbie furniture. Do we have to have those? They look like Alicia's Barbie furniture.
24 00:01:12,080 00:01:15,080 - Do you think they match? - Not ifyou wear that dress. - Do you think they match? - Not ifyou wear that dress.
25 00:01:15,160 00:01:18,160 One ofthem's going to have to go and I'd rather it was the sofas. One ofthem's going to have to go and I'd rather it was the sofas.
26 00:01:18,480 00:01:20,839 - Is this us? - Yes, this is actually you. - Is this us? - Yes, this is actually you.
27 00:01:20,840 00:01:23,840 - (Glenn) Isn't that David Dickinson? - Ooh, nice tan! - (Glenn) Isn't that David Dickinson? - Ooh, nice tan!
28 00:01:24,600 00:01:27,600 I can't take all the credit, the sun did the work. I can't take all the credit, the sun did the work.
29 00:01:28,400 00:01:31,400 - There's not much privacy. - It doesn't matter. We're moving upstairs. - There's not much privacy. - It doesn't matter. We're moving upstairs.
30 00:01:32,960 00:01:35,960 - It's going to be hard to shoot up in there. - Yeah, yeah, that's true. - It's going to be hard to shoot up in there. - Yeah, yeah, that's true.
31 00:01:37,720 00:01:40,720 - This is so poky. - We're not here long enough for it to matter. - This is so poky. - We're not here long enough for it to matter.
32 00:01:41,160 00:01:42,759 It might interest you. It might interest you.
33 00:01:42,760 00:01:45,760 The date for your appearance before the Education Select Committee. The date for your appearance before the Education Select Committee.
34 00:01:46,920 00:01:48,839 - It's tomorrow. - Oh, great! - It's tomorrow. - Oh, great!
35 00:01:48,840 00:01:51,159 Oh, that is great. Yes, welcome home, Hugh. Oh, that is great. Yes, welcome home, Hugh.
36 00:01:51,160 00:01:53,159 Couldn't you have pushed it back a week? Couldn't you have pushed it back a week?
37 00:01:53,160 00:01:55,879 Given me something cushy for my first week back? Given me something cushy for my first week back?
38 00:01:55,880 00:01:58,719 A couple oflunches or a fact finder to Dublin? A couple oflunches or a fact finder to Dublin?
39 00:01:58,720 00:02:01,720 - That's the date they gave me. - You can't change Select Committee dates. - That's the date they gave me. - You can't change Select Committee dates.
40 00:02:02,400 00:02:05,400 Oh, can't you? How did Liam get his changed so he could go to the Test match? Oh, can't you? How did Liam get his changed so he could go to the Test match?
41 00:02:06,120 00:02:09,120 It's going to be like sitting on a crate having chicken shit sprayed over me. It's going to be like sitting on a crate having chicken shit sprayed over me.
42 00:02:10,040 00:02:13,040 I mean, why do we want to close down schools for kids with special needs? I mean, why do we want to close down schools for kids with special needs?
43 00:02:14,040 00:02:17,040 It's the one thing that I really, really, actually do not want to do. It's the one thing that I really, really, actually do not want to do.
44 00:02:19,000 00:02:22,000 And yet, bizarrely, I am the person most intimately involved in doing it. And yet, bizarrely, I am the person most intimately involved in doing it.
45 00:02:23,160 00:02:26,039 Robyn, go and see IT about the e-mail problem. Robyn, go and see IT about the e-mail problem.
46 00:02:26,040 00:02:28,519 Please. That'd be great. Please. That'd be great.
47 00:02:28,520 00:02:31,520 So now Terri's back, I just get all the dull stuff. Is that right? So now Terri's back, I just get all the dull stuff. Is that right?
48 00:02:31,960 00:02:34,960 - Pretty much, yes. - Oh, well, right. Yeah, well, ofcourse. - Pretty much, yes. - Oh, well, right. Yeah, well, ofcourse.
49 00:02:36,000 00:02:38,399 Well, I'll see you later. Well, I'll see you later.
50 00:02:38,400 00:02:41,400 Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this.
51 00:02:44,680 00:02:47,680 You know my views. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. You know my views. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work.
52 00:02:48,920 00:02:51,719 - But you don't mind ifI go with it? - Ofcourse not. - But you don't mind ifI go with it? - Ofcourse not.
53 00:02:51,720 00:02:54,720 You know, look, you're only following orders. You know, look, you're only following orders.
54 00:02:55,160 00:02:58,160 So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard?
55 00:02:59,600 00:03:00,799 Right. Right.
56 00:03:00,800 00:03:03,800 Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballentine, isn't it? Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballentine, isn't it?
57 00:03:05,440 00:03:08,440 - Who wants to go and watch bollockvision? - Bollockvision? - Who wants to go and watch bollockvision? - Bollockvision?
58 00:03:08,640 00:03:11,640 Mr Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Mr Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby.
59 00:03:12,480 00:03:15,480 - (Malcolm shouting) - (Hugh) Poor Keith! - (Malcolm shouting) - (Hugh) Poor Keith!
60 00:03:15,960 00:03:17,599 You should have discussed it. You should have discussed it.
61 00:03:17,600 00:03:20,559 Malcolm must love this. Four ministers in one building. Malcolm must love this. Four ministers in one building.
62 00:03:20,560 00:03:23,199 It's his dream. A one-stop bollock-shop. It's his dream. A one-stop bollock-shop.
63 00:03:23,200 00:03:26,200 Trouble is, we're going to be getting some ofthat in about an hour. Trouble is, we're going to be getting some ofthat in about an hour.
64 00:03:26,880 00:03:29,880 Which is worse? Watching him rumble towards you like prostate cancer, Which is worse? Watching him rumble towards you like prostate cancer,
65 00:03:30,520 00:03:33,520 or him appearing suddenly out ofnowhere, like a severe stroke. or him appearing suddenly out ofnowhere, like a severe stroke.
66 00:03:35,960 00:03:38,960 Oh... How's your sister coping? Oh... How's your sister coping?
67 00:03:39,880 00:03:42,880 So, Hugh, this new word, ''Citizenship''. Did the PM actually outline what it entails? So, Hugh, this new word, ''Citizenship''. Did the PM actually outline what it entails?
68 00:03:44,760 00:03:47,760 To be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he went along. To be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he went along.
69 00:03:48,320 00:03:51,320 We were lucky that citizenship was the first word that sprang to mind. We were lucky that citizenship was the first word that sprang to mind.
70 00:03:52,000 00:03:55,000 We could be in the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk. We could be in the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
71 00:03:55,280 00:03:58,280 The problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit ofa rush, with you not in place, The problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit ofa rush, with you not in place,
72 00:03:59,640 00:04:02,640 every department trying to unload all the stuffthat they didn't want. every department trying to unload all the stuffthat they didn't want.
73 00:04:03,800 00:04:06,800 It's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, It's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall,
74 00:04:06,840 00:04:09,840 shouting, ''Bring out your shit'', and it's ended up at our door. shouting, ''Bring out your shit'', and it's ended up at our door.
75 00:04:10,320 00:04:11,439 So what are we getting? So what are we getting?
76 00:04:11,440 00:04:14,440 Citizenship basically involves cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, Citizenship basically involves cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas,
77 00:04:15,680 00:04:18,439 rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak,
78 00:04:18,440 00:04:21,440 some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly,
79 00:04:22,520 00:04:25,039 that neither they nor we have any idea about. that neither they nor we have any idea about.
80 00:04:25,040 00:04:27,159 And what to do with the Isle ofMan. And what to do with the Isle ofMan.
81 00:04:27,160 00:04:30,160 Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job.
82 00:04:32,360 00:04:34,119 Where did that come from? Where did that come from?
83 00:04:34,120 00:04:37,120 - Oh, Malcolm sent that. - It's far too big. Why did he send it? - Oh, Malcolm sent that. - It's far too big. Why did he send it?
84 00:04:38,000 00:04:39,559 Office warming present. Office warming present.
85 00:04:39,560 00:04:42,119 - So why did he send us a present? - I don't know. - So why did he send us a present? - I don't know.
86 00:04:42,120 00:04:45,120 - Has Security checked this? - What for? Tiny little terrorists? - Has Security checked this? - What for? Tiny little terrorists?
87 00:04:45,760 00:04:48,639 - Yes. - It's a plant. Yes? - Yes. - It's a plant. Yes?
88 00:04:48,640 00:04:50,679 So...citizenshit. So...citizenshit.
89 00:04:50,680 00:04:53,680 What we need is some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra policies. What we need is some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra policies.
90 00:04:56,200 00:04:59,200 New bicycles for special constables, that sort ofthing? New bicycles for special constables, that sort ofthing?
91 00:04:59,400 00:05:02,400 - Yeah. - Making special needs kids clean up graffiti. - Yeah. - Making special needs kids clean up graffiti.
92 00:05:03,120 00:05:04,999 That's just very mean. That's just very mean.
93 00:05:05,000 00:05:08,000 Well, yes. Not, ofcourse, as mean as making them spell graffiti. That genuinely is mean. Well, yes. Not, ofcourse, as mean as making them spell graffiti. That genuinely is mean.
94 00:05:09,680 00:05:12,679 - I'll go and have a word with Malcolm. - OK. - I'll go and have a word with Malcolm. - OK.
95 00:05:12,680 00:05:15,279 You just took a shit with your clothes on, Olly. You just took a shit with your clothes on, Olly.
96 00:05:15,280 00:05:17,359 - Why? - Glenn's boy, Peter. - Why? - Glenn's boy, Peter.
97 00:05:17,360 00:05:20,360 He went to a special needs school. He went to a special needs school.
98 00:05:20,840 00:05:22,239 Oh. Oh.
99 00:05:22,240 00:05:25,079 Yep. Yep.
100 00:05:25,080 00:05:28,080 - Glenn's had sex. - God, you're such a prick, Olly. - Glenn's had sex. - God, you're such a prick, Olly.
101 00:05:29,760 00:05:32,760 There's more to life than drinks at the Foreign Office There's more to life than drinks at the Foreign Office
102 00:05:32,960 00:05:35,559 and Nick Robinson's number on your Blackberry. and Nick Robinson's number on your Blackberry.
103 00:05:35,560 00:05:37,599 All right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. All right, fine. Sorry, Hugh.
104 00:05:37,600 00:05:40,600 I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know.
105 00:05:42,200 00:05:44,679 Luckily, I was able to fulfil them. Luckily, I was able to fulfil them.
106 00:05:44,680 00:05:46,999 Oh, God, you're such a.... Oh, God, you're such a....
107 00:05:47,000 00:05:49,799 - Haircut? - Chemo. Nob. - Haircut? - Chemo. Nob.
108 00:05:49,800 00:05:52,199 - So, did you enjoy the show? - Magnificent, darling. - So, did you enjoy the show? - Magnificent, darling.
109 00:05:52,200 00:05:55,200 Should I phone Keith, so I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? Should I phone Keith, so I can get his team to watch you bollock me now?
110 00:05:56,040 00:05:58,159 No, no. Have I got my bollocking face on? No, no. Have I got my bollocking face on?
111 00:05:58,160 00:06:01,160 - Well... - No, this is my bollocking face. - Well... - No, this is my bollocking face.
112 00:06:01,280 00:06:04,280 Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.
113 00:06:04,680 00:06:07,319 - Did I send that? - As an office warming present. - Did I send that? - As an office warming present.
114 00:06:07,320 00:06:09,759 Christ, she's a great PA, isn't she, Sam? Christ, she's a great PA, isn't she, Sam?
115 00:06:09,760 00:06:12,760 - Yes. - She always remembers the little people. - Yes. - She always remembers the little people.
116 00:06:12,800 00:06:15,800 Look at the size ofthat. You could crucify somebody on that. Look at the size ofthat. You could crucify somebody on that.
117 00:06:15,960 00:06:18,639 So, what do you think ofthe new building, eh? So, what do you think ofthe new building, eh?
118 00:06:18,640 00:06:21,039 I can't wait to move upstairs, actually. I can't wait to move upstairs, actually.
119 00:06:21,040 00:06:24,040 I don't like the glass walls on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. I don't like the glass walls on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed.
120 00:06:25,320 00:06:27,479 Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window.
121 00:06:27,480 00:06:30,480 Glenn, it's Olly. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. Glenn, it's Olly. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief.
122 00:06:32,720 00:06:35,720 - How much, love? - Sorry? - How much, love? - Sorry?
123 00:06:36,280 00:06:38,759 - OK, I'm on it. - I'll catch you later. - OK, I'm on it. - I'll catch you later.
124 00:06:38,760 00:06:41,760 I like the tan, by the way. Have you declared it? I like the tan, by the way. Have you declared it?
125 00:06:42,280 00:06:45,280 - Staying at the villa ofan influential friend. - I haven't got any influential friends. - Staying at the villa ofan influential friend. - I haven't got any influential friends.
126 00:06:47,040 00:06:50,040 - You are my only influential friend. - And I'm not really your friend. - You are my only influential friend. - And I'm not really your friend.
127 00:06:50,280 00:06:51,639 And you're not really my friend. And you're not really my friend.
128 00:06:51,640 00:06:54,640 - So, this Super Schools Bill... - Yep. - So, this Super Schools Bill... - Yep.
129 00:06:55,400 00:06:57,999 You don't think it's so super, do you? You don't think it's so super, do you?
130 00:06:58,000 00:07:01,000 - You're doing it now. - What? - You're doing it now. - What?
131 00:07:01,040 00:07:03,039 That's your bollocking face. That's your bollocking face.
132 00:07:03,040 00:07:06,040 You know, it's great that you get all misty eyed over Glenn's kid. You know, it's great that you get all misty eyed over Glenn's kid.
133 00:07:06,880 00:07:09,880 But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids.
134 00:07:11,280 00:07:12,799 R...Really? R...Really?
135 00:07:12,800 00:07:15,800 Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark Ryan. Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark Ryan.
136 00:07:16,240 00:07:19,240 The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say? The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?
137 00:07:20,760 00:07:23,399 Closing down special needs schools Closing down special needs schools
138 00:07:23,400 00:07:26,400 and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea. and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea.
139 00:07:27,960 00:07:30,960 - I've got an expert who will deny that. - SEN parents want the schools kept open. - I've got an expert who will deny that. - SEN parents want the schools kept open.
140 00:07:32,640 00:07:35,640 Yeah, well, my expert would totally oppose that. Yeah, well, my expert would totally oppose that.
141 00:07:36,280 00:07:39,280 - Who is your expert? - No idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. - Who is your expert? - No idea, but I can get one by this afternoon.
142 00:07:39,760 00:07:42,760 You have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. You have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert.
143 00:07:44,600 00:07:47,600 You've got to know what an expert's going to advise before he advises. You've got to know what an expert's going to advise before he advises.
144 00:07:48,080 00:07:51,080 Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are going to have to promote this Bill. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are going to have to promote this Bill.
145 00:07:52,560 00:07:55,560 So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to get you another expert. So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to get you another expert.
146 00:07:55,800 00:07:57,799 OK. OK.
147 00:07:57,800 00:08:00,439 But surely, Mr Smedley, But surely, Mr Smedley,
148 00:08:00,440 00:08:03,440 inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children.
149 00:08:04,320 00:08:07,320 When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, you get bad results. That's a given. When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, you get bad results. That's a given.
150 00:08:09,200 00:08:10,959 Inclusion is an illusion. Inclusion is an illusion.
151 00:08:10,960 00:08:13,960 Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right,
152 00:08:16,080 00:08:19,080 that the parents ofSEN children absolutely fucking flock to... that the parents ofSEN children absolutely fucking flock to...
153 00:08:20,000 00:08:23,000 - You spoke to Mark Ryan? - Yeah, well, some expert advice. - You spoke to Mark Ryan? - Yeah, well, some expert advice.
154 00:08:23,360 00:08:26,319 - Expert advice from Mark Ryan? - Yeah. - Expert advice from Mark Ryan? - Yeah.
155 00:08:26,320 00:08:29,320 - You have a problem with Ryan? - In educational circles, he's a joke. - You have a problem with Ryan? - In educational circles, he's a joke.
156 00:08:29,880 00:08:31,879 - That's another given. - Is it? - That's another given. - Is it?
157 00:08:31,880 00:08:34,359 - (E-mail alert) - Ah, sorry. - (E-mail alert) - Ah, sorry.
158 00:08:34,360 00:08:37,360 It's just that I'm expecting something quite important. It's just that I'm expecting something quite important.
159 00:08:37,840 00:08:40,840 - Is our e-mail up and running? - No. No, no, this is my hotmail. - Is our e-mail up and running? - No. No, no, this is my hotmail.
160 00:08:42,120 00:08:45,120 Sorry, can you excuse me just erm... Sorry, can you excuse me just erm...
161 00:08:49,000 00:08:51,559 (Smedley) We live in an inclusive society. (Smedley) We live in an inclusive society.
162 00:08:51,560 00:08:54,560 - We all rub shoulders together, Mr Cullen? - Indeed. - We all rub shoulders together, Mr Cullen? - Indeed.
163 00:08:54,960 00:08:57,960 - Let's not let the Ryans ofthis world create... - Sorry? - Let's not let the Ryans ofthis world create... - Sorry?
164 00:08:59,320 00:09:02,320 ..apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. ..apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools.
165 00:09:03,880 00:09:06,319 The minister won't be a moment. The minister won't be a moment.
166 00:09:06,320 00:09:08,759 (Olly) Good spot for a suicide, I would think. (Olly) Good spot for a suicide, I would think.
167 00:09:08,760 00:09:11,079 Good long drop, appreciative audience. Good long drop, appreciative audience.
168 00:09:11,080 00:09:13,519 What ifyou just broke your back? What ifyou just broke your back?
169 00:09:13,520 00:09:15,479 It'd leave you paralysed for life, It'd leave you paralysed for life,
170 00:09:15,480 00:09:18,480 and you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you. and you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you.
171 00:09:19,320 00:09:22,320 - What are these hangy-down things? - (Olly) Acoustic baffles. - What are these hangy-down things? - (Olly) Acoustic baffles.
172 00:09:22,800 00:09:24,839 They stop it getting too echoey. They stop it getting too echoey.
173 00:09:24,840 00:09:27,840 So when you break your back, nobody can hear you screaming. So when you break your back, nobody can hear you screaming.
174 00:09:28,000 00:09:31,000 Well, that is the kind ofattention to detail that you get in a PFI building. Well, that is the kind ofattention to detail that you get in a PFI building.
175 00:09:33,040 00:09:36,040 Hey! Get back to work, all ofyou! Hey! Get back to work, all ofyou!
176 00:09:37,960 00:09:40,960 Right, I'm offto Number Ten for this Cabinet summit with the PM and Education, Right, I'm offto Number Ten for this Cabinet summit with the PM and Education,
177 00:09:42,400 00:09:44,359 try and swing this Bill around. try and swing this Bill around.
178 00:09:44,360 00:09:47,199 Now, ifit drags on can you phone my home and tell Kate? Now, ifit drags on can you phone my home and tell Kate?
179 00:09:47,200 00:09:50,200 She doesn't watch rolling news because she's a normal human being. She doesn't watch rolling news because she's a normal human being.
180 00:09:51,440 00:09:54,319 (Parody accent) Yes, massah, I's a good slave! (Parody accent) Yes, massah, I's a good slave!
181 00:09:54,320 00:09:57,320 - Can I say, that manner... - Something catastrophic has happened! - Can I say, that manner... - Something catastrophic has happened!
182 00:09:58,000 00:09:59,919 Whoa! What's going on? Whoa! What's going on?
183 00:09:59,920 00:10:02,920 I've just had a phone call from a man. He's got a child, he lives in Reigate. I've just had a phone call from a man. He's got a child, he lives in Reigate.
184 00:10:04,240 00:10:07,240 This child, she is called Glenn, after Glenn Close, and her surname is Cullen. This child, she is called Glenn, after Glenn Close, and her surname is Cullen.
185 00:10:09,880 00:10:12,079 She's Glenn Cullen. She's Glenn Cullen.
186 00:10:12,080 00:10:15,080 And this morning, apparently, in her in... And this morning, apparently, in her in...
187 00:10:15,960 00:10:18,960 In the e-mail tray, she got a note, In the e-mail tray, she got a note,
188 00:10:19,480 00:10:21,719 and it used these words. ''Christ'', and it used these words. ''Christ'',
189 00:10:21,720 00:10:23,599 and ''cunt''. and ''cunt''.
190 00:10:23,600 00:10:25,239 And apparently I sent it. And apparently I sent it.
191 00:10:25,240 00:10:28,240 - No! - Anybody could use that computer. - No! - Anybody could use that computer.
192 00:10:28,560 00:10:31,560 - Hugh, Glenn says can you head over? - Yes, I must, I must... - Hugh, Glenn says can you head over? - Yes, I must, I must...
193 00:10:32,600 00:10:35,600 Olly was using it. Olly was using it earlier. Olly was using it. Olly was using it earlier.
194 00:10:35,760 00:10:38,760 Did you send an e-mail, Olly, about me, calling me a cunt? Did you send an e-mail, Olly, about me, calling me a cunt?
195 00:10:39,400 00:10:42,400 No. No, I never use that word, let alone about you. No. Absolutely. No. No, I never use that word, let alone about you. No. Absolutely.
196 00:10:42,840 00:10:45,839 I won't use it until it's been fully normalised I won't use it until it's been fully normalised
197 00:10:45,840 00:10:48,840 and has no further association with the female twat. and has no further association with the female twat.
198 00:10:49,200 00:10:51,639 - It was you! - We'll get to the bottom ofthis. - It was you! - We'll get to the bottom ofthis.
199 00:10:51,640 00:10:54,640 I've got to go offto Number Ten, but I absolutely give you my word. I've got to go offto Number Ten, but I absolutely give you my word.
200 00:10:55,240 00:10:56,519 Look. Look.
201 00:10:56,520 00:10:58,679 Hugh... Hugh...
202 00:10:58,680 00:11:01,680 No, I didn't get any e-mail about Roy Smedley. Was it funny? No, I didn't get any e-mail about Roy Smedley. Was it funny?
203 00:11:02,640 00:11:05,640 Kind of. It was a bit sweary. Kind of. It was a bit sweary.
204 00:11:05,680 00:11:07,639 At least he's served his purpose. At least he's served his purpose.
205 00:11:07,640 00:11:10,359 We've now got some very useful material to trot out We've now got some very useful material to trot out
206 00:11:10,360 00:11:13,360 in case My Bloody Ballentine wants to know in case My Bloody Ballentine wants to know
207 00:11:13,960 00:11:16,960 why you've done a U-turn in favour ofinclusion. why you've done a U-turn in favour ofinclusion.
208 00:11:17,080 00:11:18,359 But I haven't. But I haven't.
209 00:11:18,360 00:11:21,360 I'm going to take a fucking stand. I'm buggered ifI let you down now. I'm going to take a fucking stand. I'm buggered ifI let you down now.
210 00:11:21,840 00:11:24,840 I'm going to go in to the PM and tell him straight up, this bill is bollocks. I'm going to go in to the PM and tell him straight up, this bill is bollocks.
211 00:11:25,800 00:11:28,800 - No, you're not. - No, I'm not, but it would be great ifI did. - No, you're not. - No, I'm not, but it would be great ifI did.
212 00:11:30,680 00:11:33,680 - Another little bit ofmy soul chipped away. - Don't worry about it. - Another little bit ofmy soul chipped away. - Don't worry about it.
213 00:11:33,880 00:11:36,880 (Frantic stonewalling) (Frantic stonewalling)
214 00:11:39,520 00:11:42,520 Hugh, the Guardian web site has broken the e-mail thing. Hugh, the Guardian web site has broken the e-mail thing.
215 00:11:43,240 00:11:46,240 In the final edition, here, ofthe Standard In the final edition, here, ofthe Standard
216 00:11:46,440 00:11:48,959 I am suddenly a major news story. I am suddenly a major news story.
217 00:11:48,960 00:11:50,999 Sweary Woman OfWhitehall. Sweary Woman OfWhitehall.
218 00:11:51,000 00:11:54,000 Sweary Woman OfWhitehall. A pun. It's not really punning on anything, is it? Sweary Woman OfWhitehall. A pun. It's not really punning on anything, is it?
219 00:11:55,040 00:11:58,040 How do you appear out ofnowhere in a building made ofglass? How do you appear out ofnowhere in a building made ofglass?
220 00:11:58,480 00:12:01,480 I'm a shape shifter. I don't need this, get this fucking sorted. I'm a shape shifter. I don't need this, get this fucking sorted.
221 00:12:01,840 00:12:04,639 What is wrong with you? Having a nervous breakdown? What is wrong with you? Having a nervous breakdown?
222 00:12:04,640 00:12:07,639 Get on top ofit, OK? You will see me again. Get on top ofit, OK? You will see me again.
223 00:12:07,640 00:12:10,519 I don't want this, Hugh. I don't want to be the story. I don't want this, Hugh. I don't want to be the story.
224 00:12:10,520 00:12:13,520 The Sun are running a cartoon with you being arrested by a const-able. The Sun are running a cartoon with you being arrested by a const-able.
225 00:12:16,320 00:12:19,320 - Olly, don't be such a bastard. - Hey, whoa, turd tonsils. - Olly, don't be such a bastard. - Hey, whoa, turd tonsils.
226 00:12:19,520 00:12:22,520 That's quite enough ofthat, Olly. Just knock it off, OK. That's quite enough ofthat, Olly. Just knock it off, OK.
227 00:12:23,480 00:12:26,480 Terri, Terri, come with me. Come here. Terri, Terri, come with me. Come here.
228 00:12:26,920 00:12:29,920 Just fucking act your age. We've had enough ofyour puerile influence. Just fucking act your age. We've had enough ofyour puerile influence.
229 00:12:31,760 00:12:34,399 Actually, I think I might have an idea about... Actually, I think I might have an idea about...
230 00:12:34,400 00:12:37,400 Just...just tell me, truthfully, Just...just tell me, truthfully,
231 00:12:38,720 00:12:40,959 did you send that e-mail? did you send that e-mail?
232 00:12:40,960 00:12:43,960 No, I didn't. No, I didn't.
233 00:12:45,480 00:12:48,480 And you know I didn't. And you know I didn't.
234 00:12:50,280 00:12:53,280 - What? I'm sorry? Are you inferring... - Implying. - What? I'm sorry? Are you inferring... - Implying.
235 00:12:55,480 00:12:58,480 - You're implying that...it was me? - Hmm. - You're implying that...it was me? - Hmm.
236 00:13:00,600 00:13:03,600 (Whispering) I saw you, Hugh. I saw you do it. (Whispering) I saw you, Hugh. I saw you do it.
237 00:13:07,960 00:13:10,960 (Floor creaking) (Floor creaking)
238 00:13:14,600 00:13:16,959 It...it was for Glenn, for our Glenn. It...it was for Glenn, for our Glenn.
239 00:13:16,960 00:13:19,960 To amuse him when that prick man was in his office, and I just typed in the wrong address. To amuse him when that prick man was in his office, and I just typed in the wrong address.
240 00:13:23,000 00:13:26,000 - It was a genuine mistake. - I didn't really see you. I was bluffing. - It was a genuine mistake. - I didn't really see you. I was bluffing.
241 00:13:28,280 00:13:31,280 That doesn't bode well for your Select Committee performance. That doesn't bode well for your Select Committee performance.
242 00:13:31,440 00:13:34,440 I knew you were bluffing. I admitted it because it's the right thing to do. I knew you were bluffing. I admitted it because it's the right thing to do.
243 00:13:35,760 00:13:38,760 Not because you'd caught me out. And I caught you out, Not because you'd caught me out. And I caught you out,
244 00:13:39,000 00:13:41,679 cos you lied about seeing me do it. cos you lied about seeing me do it.
245 00:13:41,680 00:13:43,719 So, how do you like them apples? So, how do you like them apples?
246 00:13:43,720 00:13:46,720 - Are you going to admit to this publicly? - What? - Are you going to admit to this publicly? - What?
247 00:13:47,120 00:13:50,120 No! Are you mad? I can't do that. That mustn't happen. You've got... No! Are you mad? I can't do that. That mustn't happen. You've got...
248 00:13:51,480 00:13:54,480 - I need you to...to...to... - What? To lie? - I need you to...to...to... - What? To lie?
249 00:13:54,520 00:13:57,520 It was Derrida who said there is no such thing as empirical truth. It was Derrida who said there is no such thing as empirical truth.
250 00:13:58,200 00:14:01,200 I'll tell you what Derrida said. He said, ''Go fuck your face, Abbot!'' I'll tell you what Derrida said. He said, ''Go fuck your face, Abbot!''
251 00:14:02,280 00:14:05,280 You need to mind your language. It will keep getting you into trouble. You need to mind your language. It will keep getting you into trouble.
252 00:14:06,080 00:14:08,239 I can't even get out ofthe fucking room! I can't even get out ofthe fucking room!
253 00:14:08,240 00:14:10,159 (Terri) Excuse me. (Terri) Excuse me.
254 00:14:10,160 00:14:13,160 Now to the meat ofthe Committee's interest. Now to the meat ofthe Committee's interest.
255 00:14:13,680 00:14:16,680 You've made quite a U-turn on SEN schools, have you not, Minister? You've made quite a U-turn on SEN schools, have you not, Minister?
256 00:14:17,720 00:14:19,919 Why have you sold out? Why have you sold out?
257 00:14:19,920 00:14:22,919 Sold out? That's rather an emotive way ofputting it. Sold out? That's rather an emotive way ofputting it.
258 00:14:22,920 00:14:25,920 But you are on record as having been in opposition to the policy ofinclusion. But you are on record as having been in opposition to the policy ofinclusion.
259 00:14:27,040 00:14:30,040 No, it's just that times have changed and I have reassessed the landscape. No, it's just that times have changed and I have reassessed the landscape.
260 00:14:32,680 00:14:35,680 We now have the funding for academies which will have two behaviour support teachers. We now have the funding for academies which will have two behaviour support teachers.
261 00:14:39,080 00:14:42,080 - These Super Schools will offer skill clusters... - But we're not interested in that. - These Super Schools will offer skill clusters... - But we're not interested in that.
262 00:14:43,800 00:14:46,800 What the Committee are curious about is how it is that you've changed your mind, What the Committee are curious about is how it is that you've changed your mind,
263 00:14:49,880 00:14:52,879 given your opposition to these policies in the past. given your opposition to these policies in the past.
264 00:14:52,880 00:14:55,880 - Did you seek specialist advice? - Well, naturally. I sought expert advice. - Did you seek specialist advice? - Well, naturally. I sought expert advice.
265 00:14:58,600 00:15:00,279 Yes. Who? Yes. Who?
266 00:15:00,280 00:15:03,199 - Roy Smedley. - And? - Roy Smedley. - And?
267 00:15:03,200 00:15:06,200 And...he was very good. And...he was very good.
268 00:15:08,000 00:15:11,000 And his was the only advice you took? And his was the only advice you took?
269 00:15:11,520 00:15:14,520 You saw only one expert? You saw only one expert?
270 00:15:14,880 00:15:17,880 Yes. Yes.
271 00:15:19,080 00:15:21,999 And you thought that was enough? Just one? And you thought that was enough? Just one?
272 00:15:22,000 00:15:25,000 - I tried to find somebody different. - And did you succeed? - I tried to find somebody different. - And did you succeed?
273 00:15:25,800 00:15:27,279 - No. - No one? - No. - No one?
274 00:15:27,280 00:15:30,280 No. No.
275 00:15:30,680 00:15:33,680 - How was that? - I lied to the Select Committee. I lied. - How was that? - I lied to the Select Committee. I lied.
276 00:15:34,640 00:15:37,640 - Is Tucker in the building? - Malcolm In The Middle. - Is Tucker in the building? - Malcolm In The Middle.
277 00:15:37,800 00:15:40,800 It's what they're calling him. He can stand in the atrium and shout. It's what they're calling him. He can stand in the atrium and shout.
278 00:15:41,360 00:15:44,360 I don't want to see him. I can't take one ofhis scenes from The Exorcist just now. I don't want to see him. I can't take one ofhis scenes from The Exorcist just now.
279 00:15:45,640 00:15:48,519 - I don't think Ballentine's on to anything. - Oh, no? - I don't think Ballentine's on to anything. - Oh, no?
280 00:15:48,520 00:15:51,520 Well, why did she keep asking, ''Just one expert? Only one? Well, why did she keep asking, ''Just one expert? Only one?
281 00:15:52,760 00:15:55,760 ''Less than three, but not two?'' Fucking bitch! ''Less than three, but not two?'' Fucking bitch!
282 00:15:55,800 00:15:58,800 She's trying to throw you offbalance, like a Sumo wrestler. She's trying to throw you offbalance, like a Sumo wrestler.
283 00:15:59,000 00:16:01,679 It worked. I was on the floor, in a fucking nappy. It worked. I was on the floor, in a fucking nappy.
284 00:16:01,680 00:16:03,839 Oh, shit, it's Malcolm. Oh, shit, it's Malcolm.
285 00:16:03,840 00:16:06,840 - A man in his 50s, hiding. - Look, he's gone. Hugh, come out. - A man in his 50s, hiding. - Look, he's gone. Hugh, come out.
286 00:16:08,920 00:16:11,479 Get it in perspective. It's not a major lie. Get it in perspective. It's not a major lie.
287 00:16:11,480 00:16:14,480 It's not like you were selling naval secrets down a gay club. It's not like you were selling naval secrets down a gay club.
288 00:16:14,600 00:16:17,600 - Why does he never laugh with me like that? - (Olly) Lack ofclick? - Why does he never laugh with me like that? - (Olly) Lack ofclick?
289 00:16:18,480 00:16:21,480 - I thought I was a professional press officer. - I don't know. - I thought I was a professional press officer. - I don't know.
290 00:16:23,240 00:16:24,799 It just is absolute hell. It just is absolute hell.
291 00:16:24,800 00:16:27,079 - Hi. - Oh, hello. - Hi. - Oh, hello.
292 00:16:27,080 00:16:30,080 - How is the... - I'm actually in a bit ofa state here. - How is the... - I'm actually in a bit ofa state here.
293 00:16:30,600 00:16:31,639 Yeah. I know. Yeah. I know.
294 00:16:31,640 00:16:34,239 Something cropped up that we need to talk about, Something cropped up that we need to talk about,
295 00:16:34,240 00:16:37,240 and then afterwards you can get on with whatever... You know. and then afterwards you can get on with whatever... You know.
296 00:16:37,480 00:16:40,480 - Don't you think that I'm due a bit ofsupport? - Yes, I do, I do. Absolutely. - Don't you think that I'm due a bit ofsupport? - Yes, I do, I do. Absolutely.
297 00:16:41,440 00:16:44,440 But my Committee thing is actually a bigger deal than your...sweary thing. But my Committee thing is actually a bigger deal than your...sweary thing.
298 00:16:45,320 00:16:48,320 So, you know...it just is. So, you know...it just is.
299 00:16:48,960 00:16:51,359 - Hi, Malcolm. - Were you hiding just now? - Hi, Malcolm. - Were you hiding just now?
300 00:16:51,360 00:16:52,759 No. No.
301 00:16:52,760 00:16:55,760 Terri, you're giving a press conference in 90 minutes. You're going to apologise. Terri, you're giving a press conference in 90 minutes. You're going to apologise.
302 00:16:57,080 00:16:59,599 There's your statement. Learn it. There's your statement. Learn it.
303 00:16:59,600 00:17:02,039 Erm...I organise the press conferences. Erm...I organise the press conferences.
304 00:17:02,040 00:17:04,199 - I don't give them, normally. - Oh, God! - I don't give them, normally. - Oh, God!
305 00:17:04,200 00:17:07,200 As you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you. What happens is this. As you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you. What happens is this.
306 00:17:08,400 00:17:11,400 A bunch ofpress people appear. They have things called cameras and microphones, A bunch ofpress people appear. They have things called cameras and microphones,
307 00:17:12,600 00:17:14,959 and mobile phones, hangovers and bad breath. and mobile phones, hangovers and bad breath.
308 00:17:14,960 00:17:17,960 Then you are going to walk out and read from what we call a prepared statement. Then you are going to walk out and read from what we call a prepared statement.
309 00:17:20,200 00:17:21,919 In that, you will say, In that, you will say,
310 00:17:21,920 00:17:24,920 ''I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy arsed docker after 12 pints. ''I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy arsed docker after 12 pints.
311 00:17:26,840 00:17:29,840 ''I promise that I will never call an eight-year-old girl a cunt again. ''I promise that I will never call an eight-year-old girl a cunt again.
312 00:17:30,520 00:17:33,520 ''Can we now just draw a line over this and fucking move on? Thank you.'' ''Can we now just draw a line over this and fucking move on? Thank you.''
313 00:17:34,160 00:17:36,599 Everybody goes home and we see what happens. Everybody goes home and we see what happens.
314 00:17:36,600 00:17:39,600 Best case is you keep your job, although you will be The Sweary Woman ofWhitehall. Best case is you keep your job, although you will be The Sweary Woman ofWhitehall.
315 00:17:40,960 00:17:43,960 This first Mark Ryan meeting would be in the diary. This first Mark Ryan meeting would be in the diary.
316 00:17:44,200 00:17:47,200 Do you want us to see ifwe could post that down the memory hole? Do you want us to see ifwe could post that down the memory hole?
317 00:17:47,360 00:17:50,359 - I mean, diaries do get lost, don't they? - Well, yes. - I mean, diaries do get lost, don't they? - Well, yes.
318 00:17:50,360 00:17:53,360 - We've lost a few diaries in our time. - Well, erm... - We've lost a few diaries in our time. - Well, erm...
319 00:17:53,600 00:17:56,599 Listen, do it subtly. I don't want to know about it. Listen, do it subtly. I don't want to know about it.
320 00:17:56,600 00:17:58,879 - I mean, do it, but don't tell me. - OK. - I mean, do it, but don't tell me. - OK.
321 00:17:58,880 00:18:01,679 - Do I know? - Yeah. No. I don't know. - Do I know? - Yeah. No. I don't know.
322 00:18:01,680 00:18:04,239 - Do I? - Don't... You sort it out. - Do I? - Don't... You sort it out.
323 00:18:04,240 00:18:05,639 Do I know? Do I know?
324 00:18:05,640 00:18:08,640 Sort it out but don't tell me because I don't want to know. Sort it out but don't tell me because I don't want to know.
325 00:18:08,760 00:18:11,760 I don't think you quite get it. My life is in tatters. I don't think you quite get it. My life is in tatters.
326 00:18:11,800 00:18:14,800 Nobody will speak to me at my daughter's school. Why should I lie for Hugh? Nobody will speak to me at my daughter's school. Why should I lie for Hugh?
327 00:18:16,280 00:18:19,280 Because it's your job to make him look good. Because it's your job to make him look good.
328 00:18:19,440 00:18:22,319 What kind ofa PR person are you, anyway? What kind ofa PR person are you, anyway?
329 00:18:22,320 00:18:24,799 I mean, look. Hey, hey, hey, hey! I mean, look. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
330 00:18:24,800 00:18:27,599 Are you going to take a bad story and make it worse? Are you going to take a bad story and make it worse?
331 00:18:27,600 00:18:29,639 You say, ''Oh, hi there, everyone. You say, ''Oh, hi there, everyone.
332 00:18:29,640 00:18:32,640 ''I know this looks bad, but wait till you hear this. ''I know this looks bad, but wait till you hear this.
333 00:18:32,800 00:18:35,800 ''It was actually the Minister for Social Affairs and Citizenship who called a child a cunt. ''It was actually the Minister for Social Affairs and Citizenship who called a child a cunt.
334 00:18:37,640 00:18:39,919 ''There you are, it is worse than we thought.'' ''There you are, it is worse than we thought.''
335 00:18:39,920 00:18:42,920 Ifyou were to go out there and tell the truth, Ifyou were to go out there and tell the truth,
336 00:18:45,240 00:18:48,079 it would be morally repugnant. it would be morally repugnant.
337 00:18:48,080 00:18:50,439 Because you would be condemning Because you would be condemning
338 00:18:50,440 00:18:53,440 a guy who's doing his fucking best to try and make things better. a guy who's doing his fucking best to try and make things better.
339 00:18:55,160 00:18:57,959 You'd be condemning him to the scrapheap. You'd be condemning him to the scrapheap.
340 00:18:57,960 00:19:00,319 (Terri) Right... (Malcolm) OK? (Terri) Right... (Malcolm) OK?
341 00:19:00,320 00:19:02,679 - Yes. - Good girl. Get Robyn, she'll help you. - Yes. - Good girl. Get Robyn, she'll help you.
342 00:19:02,680 00:19:05,359 Robyn, can you help her go over her lines? Robyn, can you help her go over her lines?
343 00:19:05,360 00:19:08,360 It was interesting, watching you talking about the truth, It was interesting, watching you talking about the truth,
344 00:19:08,600 00:19:11,600 because I had a similar problem today, funnily enough. because I had a similar problem today, funnily enough.
345 00:19:12,160 00:19:13,479 Really? Really?
346 00:19:13,480 00:19:16,480 At the Committee, I didn't... Well, unwittingly, I didn't tell the entire truth. At the Committee, I didn't... Well, unwittingly, I didn't tell the entire truth.
347 00:19:18,920 00:19:21,679 - You lied? To Claire Ballentine? - Yeah. - You lied? To Claire Ballentine? - Yeah.
348 00:19:21,680 00:19:23,199 Does she know? Does she know?
349 00:19:23,200 00:19:26,200 - I don't think so. She couldn't possibly. - That doesn't matter, then. - I don't think so. She couldn't possibly. - That doesn't matter, then.
350 00:19:26,960 00:19:29,960 I lied to the Select Committee. It's like lying to the House. I lied to the Select Committee. It's like lying to the House.
351 00:19:30,240 00:19:33,240 Yeah, I know. But ifshe doesn't know, then it doesn't matter, Hugh. Yeah, I know. But ifshe doesn't know, then it doesn't matter, Hugh.
352 00:19:34,000 00:19:37,000 Excuse me, but I can't be fielding calls. I have got a lot oflines to learn. Excuse me, but I can't be fielding calls. I have got a lot oflines to learn.
353 00:19:37,960 00:19:40,960 It's Ballentine's office. They want Departmental diaries from the last 12 weeks. It's Ballentine's office. They want Departmental diaries from the last 12 weeks.
354 00:19:42,200 00:19:44,519 - Shit! - She's on to us, she must be. - Shit! - She's on to us, she must be.
355 00:19:44,520 00:19:46,479 - Why else... - Have you got the diaries? - Why else... - Have you got the diaries?
356 00:19:46,480 00:19:49,079 Yes, in a sense. Yes, in a sense.
357 00:19:49,080 00:19:52,080 Olly might be doing something with the diaries I don't know about because he hasn't told me. Olly might be doing something with the diaries I don't know about because he hasn't told me.
358 00:19:55,040 00:19:58,040 Well, you get him to undo what you don't know he's doing. Well, you get him to undo what you don't know he's doing.
359 00:19:58,080 00:20:01,080 - I can't. I don't know he's doing it. - Hugh, go and get Olly and Glenn in here. - I can't. I don't know he's doing it. - Hugh, go and get Olly and Glenn in here.
360 00:20:02,440 00:20:05,440 This is serious. You have lied to a Select Committee. This is serious. You have lied to a Select Committee.
361 00:20:05,600 00:20:08,159 - I told you that. - That's like lying to the House. - I told you that. - That's like lying to the House.
362 00:20:08,160 00:20:10,799 - That's what I said. - They're on to you! - That's what I said. - They're on to you!
363 00:20:10,800 00:20:12,679 - Yes! - Jesus Christ! - Yes! - Jesus Christ!
364 00:20:12,680 00:20:15,680 - Malcolm, do you think this is too bright? - It's too bright. - Malcolm, do you think this is too bright? - It's too bright.
365 00:20:16,040 00:20:19,040 Can you please, Robyn, go to the Sketchley concession and get my grey suit? Now. Can you please, Robyn, go to the Sketchley concession and get my grey suit? Now.
366 00:20:20,440 00:20:23,440 Do I look ten? Do I look like I'm on some bloody... Do I look ten? Do I look like I'm on some bloody...
367 00:20:23,480 00:20:26,480 Please, just do it. Get the suit. Please, just do it. Get the suit.
368 00:20:26,840 00:20:29,719 - Can I have the money? - Don't you get paid? - Can I have the money? - Don't you get paid?
369 00:20:29,720 00:20:30,799 Have you got the diaries? Have you got the diaries?
370 00:20:30,800 00:20:32,279 - Yes. - I don't know. - Yes. - I don't know.
371 00:20:32,280 00:20:35,280 - We've not shredded anything. - I don't want to hear this. - We've not shredded anything. - I don't want to hear this.
372 00:20:35,760 00:20:38,760 Hugh, take your fingers out ofyour fucking ears. Hugh, take your fingers out ofyour fucking ears.
373 00:20:38,800 00:20:41,800 You're going to go to the Committee tomorrow and you're going to apologise. You're going to go to the Committee tomorrow and you're going to apologise.
374 00:20:42,920 00:20:45,920 I'll tell them I forgot. Forgetting's an involuntary thing. It's like farting. I'll tell them I forgot. Forgetting's an involuntary thing. It's like farting.
375 00:20:47,240 00:20:48,719 (Rapping on glass) (Rapping on glass)
376 00:20:48,720 00:20:50,919 (Terri) Malcolm! (Terri) Malcolm!
377 00:20:50,920 00:20:53,920 - What? - You were meant to be dealing with me. - What? - You were meant to be dealing with me.
378 00:20:54,480 00:20:57,480 The worst that can happen to you is you'll lose your job. The worst that can happen to you is you'll lose your job.
379 00:20:57,520 00:21:00,119 - I'm going to lose my reputation. - Oh, just grow up. - I'm going to lose my reputation. - Oh, just grow up.
380 00:21:00,120 00:21:03,120 - You should be doing the growing up. - I am a fucking grown-up. - You should be doing the growing up. - I am a fucking grown-up.
381 00:21:03,280 00:21:06,280 - You could have fooled me! - Glenn's son could have fooled you. - You could have fooled me! - Glenn's son could have fooled you.
382 00:21:06,400 00:21:07,959 No offence, Glenn. No offence, Glenn.
383 00:21:07,960 00:21:10,960 You two get the paper trail sorted and get your story sorted out. You two get the paper trail sorted and get your story sorted out.
384 00:21:11,280 00:21:13,319 I'm sorry, can you stop swearing? I'm sorry, can you stop swearing?
385 00:21:13,320 00:21:16,320 I'm really sorry. You won't hear any more swearing from us, you massive, gay shite! I'm really sorry. You won't hear any more swearing from us, you massive, gay shite!
386 00:21:19,280 00:21:22,119 Fuck off! Fuck off!
387 00:21:22,120 00:21:25,120 Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether he lied or not? Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether he lied or not?
388 00:21:26,320 00:21:28,159 - Pretty well. - Is that a lie? - Pretty well. - Is that a lie?
389 00:21:28,160 00:21:30,919 - Yeah. - That is not fucking funny, you retard. - Yeah. - That is not fucking funny, you retard.
390 00:21:30,920 00:21:33,759 I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just... I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just...
391 00:21:33,760 00:21:36,760 Here she comes. Here she comes.
392 00:21:42,040 00:21:43,439 (Hugh) That fucking sofa! (Hugh) That fucking sofa!
393 00:21:43,440 00:21:46,440 I would like to offer mysincere and unreserved apologies I would like to offer mysincere and unreserved apologies
394 00:21:47,760 00:21:50,760 for the terrible outrage caused by the e-mail that I sent. for the terrible outrage caused by the e-mail that I sent.
395 00:21:51,400 00:21:54,400 It was never meant to be read by anybody other than the intended recipient. It was never meant to be read by anybody other than the intended recipient.
396 00:21:57,720 00:22:00,399 - I understand that the... - Oh, for... - I understand that the... - Oh, for...
397 00:22:00,400 00:22:02,519 - What the hell's he... - Twat! - What the hell's he... - Twat!
398 00:22:02,520 00:22:04,559 ..language I used in the e-mail... ..language I used in the e-mail...
399 00:22:04,560 00:22:07,560 He doesn't realise that ifyou walk in front ofthe camera... He doesn't realise that ifyou walk in front ofthe camera...
400 00:22:07,800 00:22:10,800 ..like that in an internal departmental conversation, ..like that in an internal departmental conversation,
401 00:22:11,040 00:22:13,079 or any conversation. or any conversation.
402 00:22:13,080 00:22:16,080 I wish I had neversent the e-mail, I wish I had neversent the e-mail,
403 00:22:16,600 00:22:19,600 and indeed, I find it hard to believe that I did. and indeed, I find it hard to believe that I did.
404 00:22:19,760 00:22:22,039 Whoa, she's gone offscript here. Whoa, she's gone offscript here.
405 00:22:22,040 00:22:24,479 Fucking hell, Terri, what...? Fucking hell, Terri, what...?
406 00:22:24,480 00:22:27,480 ..momentarylapse in restraint...and that... ..momentarylapse in restraint...and that...
407 00:22:29,680 00:22:32,279 - OK, we're back on track. - Thank God. - OK, we're back on track. - Thank God.
408 00:22:32,280 00:22:35,280 ..and I wish to apologise that I've let down ..and I wish to apologise that I've let down
409 00:22:36,000 00:22:39,000 the electorate, the minister, my colleagues, the electorate, the minister, my colleagues,
410 00:22:41,120 00:22:44,120 - my own family... - (Glenn) Even though halfofthem are dead. - my own family... - (Glenn) Even though halfofthem are dead.
411 00:22:44,520 00:22:46,999 ..and indeed, the voters ofthe future... ..and indeed, the voters ofthe future...
412 00:22:47,000 00:22:48,799 - Our children. - ..our children. - Our children. - ..our children.
413 00:22:48,800 00:22:50,319 Now get off. Now get off.
414 00:22:50,320 00:22:53,320 Brilliant, Malcolm. Fucking stunning. Well done, mate. Brilliant, Malcolm. Fucking stunning. Well done, mate.
415 00:22:54,960 00:22:57,960 OK, we've got to get upstairs and start rehearsing for tomorrow's Select Committee. OK, we've got to get upstairs and start rehearsing for tomorrow's Select Committee.
416 00:22:59,640 00:23:02,640 I'm never going to get out of this fucking building, am I? I'm never going to get out of this fucking building, am I?
417 00:23:03,800 00:23:06,800 Do you remember when I came to see Peter's concert at his school? Do you remember when I came to see Peter's concert at his school?
418 00:23:07,160 00:23:10,160 His face? The pride he had when he played? His face? The pride he had when he played?
419 00:23:10,840 00:23:13,479 - His face etched in my memory. - Yeah? - His face etched in my memory. - Yeah?
420 00:23:13,480 00:23:15,119 Fucking unbearable. Fucking unbearable.
421 00:23:15,120 00:23:18,120 That's why I needed Malcolm's expert to try and wipe it from my mind. That's why I needed Malcolm's expert to try and wipe it from my mind.
422 00:23:19,320 00:23:22,320 - It hasn't really worked, though. - Hugh, mate, don't panic. - It hasn't really worked, though. - Hugh, mate, don't panic.
423 00:23:22,920 00:23:25,920 You'll manage. Just do what you have to do. Whatever you have to do, do it. You'll manage. Just do what you have to do. Whatever you have to do, do it.
424 00:23:27,360 00:23:30,360 Just make sure that you don't get sweat on your upper lip. It makes you look guilty. Just make sure that you don't get sweat on your upper lip. It makes you look guilty.
425 00:23:31,640 00:23:33,799 - What am I supposed to do? - I've no idea. - What am I supposed to do? - I've no idea.
426 00:23:33,800 00:23:36,800 But ifyou sweat, it makes your face look like Spam. But ifyou sweat, it makes your face look like Spam.
427 00:23:37,160 00:23:40,160 It has come to the Committee's notice that you did not see just one special adviser, It has come to the Committee's notice that you did not see just one special adviser,
428 00:23:42,240 00:23:45,240 as you told us in your previous appearance, but two. as you told us in your previous appearance, but two.
429 00:23:46,800 00:23:49,159 Why did you omit to mention that fact? Why did you omit to mention that fact?
430 00:23:49,160 00:23:52,160 Yes, I apologise unreservedly for that oversight. Yes, I apologise unreservedly for that oversight.
431 00:23:53,160 00:23:56,160 - I forgot. - Are you forgetful generally? - I forgot. - Are you forgetful generally?
432 00:23:56,480 00:23:59,480 Well, it's hard to know... erm...how forgetful one is. Well, it's hard to know... erm...how forgetful one is.
433 00:24:01,080 00:24:04,080 You'd have to remember all the things you'd remembered and forgotten. You'd have to remember all the things you'd remembered and forgotten.
434 00:24:05,600 00:24:08,239 And how could I remember what I've forgotten, And how could I remember what I've forgotten,
435 00:24:08,240 00:24:10,679 because I've forgotten it by definition? because I've forgotten it by definition?
436 00:24:10,680 00:24:13,680 I'm pretty good. IfI see a picture ofthe Queen, I can put a name to a face. I'm pretty good. IfI see a picture ofthe Queen, I can put a name to a face.
437 00:24:14,520 00:24:17,520 And ifI see a movie, I don't sit there, going, ''Who's that one? The copper or the pirate?'' And ifI see a movie, I don't sit there, going, ''Who's that one? The copper or the pirate?''
438 00:24:20,680 00:24:23,680 So you just accidentally told a slight untruth? So you just accidentally told a slight untruth?
439 00:24:24,000 00:24:27,000 I... My statement was unintentionally not a truthful statement. I... My statement was unintentionally not a truthful statement.
440 00:24:29,160 00:24:32,160 - I...I...I slightly misled... - You completely misled. - I...I...I slightly misled... - You completely misled.
441 00:24:32,520 00:24:35,520 I misled the Committee and I have apologised for that. I misled the Committee and I have apologised for that.
442 00:24:36,200 00:24:38,519 Are you lying now about not lying before? Are you lying now about not lying before?
443 00:24:38,520 00:24:41,520 Erm...no. I am not a liar. Erm...no. I am not a liar.
444 00:24:41,560 00:24:44,560 I categorically did not knowingly...not tell the truth. I categorically did not knowingly...not tell the truth.
445 00:24:46,560 00:24:49,560 Even though unknowingly I might not have done. Even though unknowingly I might not have done.
446 00:24:50,520 00:24:53,520 In fact, I wanted to come back and apologise to the Committee... In fact, I wanted to come back and apologise to the Committee...
447 00:24:53,720 00:24:56,720 Glad to be ofservice, but you didn't want to come back, Minister. Glad to be ofservice, but you didn't want to come back, Minister.
448 00:24:57,040 00:24:59,279 You were told to come back. You were told to come back.
449 00:24:59,280 00:25:02,280 The last thing in the world you wanted was to come back, given how busy you have been. The last thing in the world you wanted was to come back, given how busy you have been.
450 00:25:04,640 00:25:07,640 Interestingly enough, we do notice from your diaries that your meeting with Roy Smedley Interestingly enough, we do notice from your diaries that your meeting with Roy Smedley
451 00:25:10,040 00:25:13,040 seems to have taken place at almost the same time as the notorious sweary e-mail was sent. seems to have taken place at almost the same time as the notorious sweary e-mail was sent.
452 00:25:15,480 00:25:18,480 And I was in that meeting, so I couldn't possibly have sent it. And I was in that meeting, so I couldn't possibly have sent it.
453 00:25:19,240 00:25:22,240 I wasn't suggesting... It was your ChiefPress Officer. I wasn't suggesting... It was your ChiefPress Officer.
454 00:25:22,280 00:25:25,159 Yes, it was. And her father's just died. Yes, it was. And her father's just died.
455 00:25:25,160 00:25:27,679 I'm sorry to hear that. No one was suggesting... I'm sorry to hear that. No one was suggesting...
456 00:25:27,680 00:25:30,680 No, no, and quite right, too. But you know what people are like. No, no, and quite right, too. But you know what people are like.
457 00:25:31,280 00:25:33,999 Going back to my, erm...initial concern, Going back to my, erm...initial concern,
458 00:25:34,000 00:25:37,000 it would now seem that the two meetings you had with the two special education advisers it would now seem that the two meetings you had with the two special education advisers
459 00:25:39,440 00:25:42,440 provided you with two opposing verdicts on this particular issue. provided you with two opposing verdicts on this particular issue.
460 00:25:43,000 00:25:44,519 Yet you came up with one. Yet you came up with one.
461 00:25:44,520 00:25:47,520 So would it be therefore true to say that the Government is intent on pushing this through So would it be therefore true to say that the Government is intent on pushing this through
462 00:25:49,560 00:25:52,119 regardless ofwhat anyone says? regardless ofwhat anyone says?
463 00:25:52,120 00:25:55,120 No. We wanted two opinions because we wanted to start a debate. No. We wanted two opinions because we wanted to start a debate.
464 00:25:56,160 00:25:59,160 Not much ofa debate ifyou ignore one and just go with the other. Not much ofa debate ifyou ignore one and just go with the other.
465 00:25:59,360 00:26:02,360 It's a personal thing, but ifgovernment isn't personal, then what the hell is it? It's a personal thing, but ifgovernment isn't personal, then what the hell is it?
466 00:26:04,560 00:26:07,560 My senior adviser, Glenn Cullen, My senior adviser, Glenn Cullen,
467 00:26:07,720 00:26:10,720 has a son, his name is Peter, has a son, his name is Peter,
468 00:26:11,640 00:26:14,640 and he has special educational needs. and he has special educational needs.
469 00:26:15,160 00:26:18,160 Glenn obviously wouldn't say anything about it. He's far too professional. Glenn obviously wouldn't say anything about it. He's far too professional.
470 00:26:19,080 00:26:22,080 But I had the privilege ofgoing down with Glenn to Peter's SEN school, But I had the privilege ofgoing down with Glenn to Peter's SEN school,
471 00:26:25,760 00:26:28,760 and watched Peter playing the trombone in the school orchestra. and watched Peter playing the trombone in the school orchestra.
472 00:26:30,880 00:26:33,559 It wasn't very good. It wasn't very good.
473 00:26:33,560 00:26:36,560 Erm... He struggled manfully. Erm... He struggled manfully.
474 00:26:37,000 00:26:40,000 And Glenn leaned over to me, and he said, And Glenn leaned over to me, and he said,
475 00:26:40,560 00:26:43,560 you know, ''Ifonly this was a Super School.'' you know, ''Ifonly this was a Super School.''
476 00:26:44,280 00:26:47,279 Inclusion is not an illusion. Inclusion is not an illusion.
477 00:26:47,280 00:26:49,039 And... And...
478 00:26:49,040 00:26:51,639 I think that tipped the balance for me. I think that tipped the balance for me.
479 00:26:51,640 00:26:54,640 It's a personal thing. It's a personal thing.
480 00:26:59,000 00:27:02,000 (Glenn exhaling) (Glenn exhaling)
481 00:27:03,960 00:27:06,359 - Say something. - Well, what is to say? - Say something. - Well, what is to say?
482 00:27:06,360 00:27:09,360 - I can't believe you did that. - You said do what you have to do. - I can't believe you did that. - You said do what you have to do.
483 00:27:10,160 00:27:12,879 I know. I understand that, and I know nothing is sacred. I know. I understand that, and I know nothing is sacred.
484 00:27:12,880 00:27:15,880 - But I didn't mean for you to do that. - Were you misleading me? - But I didn't mean for you to do that. - Were you misleading me?
485 00:27:17,080 00:27:20,080 - Don't give me that bollocks. - I...I'm sorry. OK? I'm really sorry. - Don't give me that bollocks. - I...I'm sorry. OK? I'm really sorry.
486 00:27:22,640 00:27:25,439 Do you know, I wish I'd kept Peter's trombone. Do you know, I wish I'd kept Peter's trombone.
487 00:27:25,440 00:27:28,440 IfI had, I'd shove it up your arse, wide end first. IfI had, I'd shove it up your arse, wide end first.
488 00:27:29,120 00:27:32,120 Listen, you're the best senior adviser anybody could want, and... Listen, you're the best senior adviser anybody could want, and...
489 00:27:34,080 00:27:36,079 Come on, you're my best pal. Come on, you're my best pal.
490 00:27:36,080 00:27:39,080 - OK. - So, am I...? - OK. - So, am I...?
491 00:27:44,360 00:27:47,360 (Hugh) Hello. Are you all right? (Hugh) Hello. Are you all right?
492 00:27:47,880 00:27:50,879 Very strong performance, by the way, the apology. Very strong performance, by the way, the apology.
493 00:27:50,880 00:27:53,879 So you think you can get round me with compliments, do you? So you think you can get round me with compliments, do you?
494 00:27:53,880 00:27:56,879 I understand I'm not your favourite chocolate in the box, I understand I'm not your favourite chocolate in the box,
495 00:27:56,880 00:27:59,880 but I appreciate everything, and I will fight for you, irrespective ofwhat you did. but I appreciate everything, and I will fight for you, irrespective ofwhat you did.
496 00:28:01,960 00:28:04,960 What I did? I didn't do it, Hugh! Do you remember? You sent the e-mail! What I did? I didn't do it, Hugh! Do you remember? You sent the e-mail!
497 00:28:06,880 00:28:08,319 - I forgot. - Forgot? - I forgot. - Forgot?
498 00:28:08,320 00:28:11,320 No, not forgot. I can't get anything right at the moment. I'm going to go away. No, not forgot. I can't get anything right at the moment. I'm going to go away.
499 00:28:12,280 00:28:15,280 Go to the gents. Look at the man standing in front ofyou in the mirror, Go to the gents. Look at the man standing in front ofyou in the mirror,
500 00:28:16,640 00:28:19,640 and say, ''Can I live with him? Can I?'' and say, ''Can I live with him? Can I?''
501 00:28:19,880 00:28:22,279 - You're in there. - I don't know what else can go wrong. - You're in there. - I don't know what else can go wrong.
502 00:28:22,280 00:28:25,280 Unless the energy system sets fire to my office and puts it out Unless the energy system sets fire to my office and puts it out
503 00:28:25,440 00:28:28,279 by squirting liquefied shit through the sprinklers. by squirting liquefied shit through the sprinklers.
504 00:28:28,280 00:28:30,639 - Malcolm's coming this way. - Oh, God. - Malcolm's coming this way. - Oh, God.
505 00:28:30,640 00:28:33,640 Check out. Malcolm Tucker is leaving the building. Check out. Malcolm Tucker is leaving the building.
506 00:28:34,680 00:28:37,680 - Oh, right. - I want to say well done, you slippery fuck. - Oh, right. - I want to say well done, you slippery fuck.
507 00:28:38,880 00:28:41,880 You should be able to weasel your way out and come back smelling like a perfumed trollop. You should be able to weasel your way out and come back smelling like a perfumed trollop.
508 00:28:42,960 00:28:44,359 - Thank you. - No problem. - Thank you. - No problem.
509 00:28:44,360 00:28:47,360 Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday, by the way. Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday, by the way.
510 00:28:48,120 00:28:50,559 - What? - Fucking joking, you twat. - What? - Fucking joking, you twat.
511 00:28:50,560 00:28:51,839 Right. Right.
512 00:28:51,840 00:28:53,879 - I'm in turbo. Laters. - Yeah. - I'm in turbo. Laters. - Yeah.
513 00:28:53,880 00:28:56,079 (Malcolm) Oi! How're you doing? (Malcolm) Oi! How're you doing?
514 00:28:56,080 00:28:58,119 (Heavy sigh) (Heavy sigh)