# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:00,440 00:00:03,440 No, Derek, I'm not presuming anything. It's up to the PM. I'll go wherever he wants. No, Derek, I'm not presuming anything. It's up to the PM. I'll go wherever he wants.
2 00:00:04,880 00:00:06,639 I'm going to have to go. Bye-bye. I'm going to have to go. Bye-bye.
3 00:00:06,640 00:00:08,719 - Good morning. - Morning, Minister. - Good morning. - Morning, Minister.
4 00:00:08,720 00:00:11,720 - Are you just offto your 8:30 with Malcolm? - Yep, yep. - Are you just offto your 8:30 with Malcolm? - Yep, yep.
5 00:00:11,760 00:00:14,639 - First one? - Into the lion's den, viper's pit. - First one? - Into the lion's den, viper's pit.
6 00:00:14,640 00:00:17,479 The belly ofthe beast, the lair ofthe white worm. The belly ofthe beast, the lair ofthe white worm.
7 00:00:17,480 00:00:19,479 - The eye ofthe snake. - Hmm. - The eye ofthe snake. - Hmm.
8 00:00:19,480 00:00:22,480 - Not all departments get asked to the 8:30. - That's true. - Not all departments get asked to the 8:30. - That's true.
9 00:00:22,720 00:00:25,439 It's an honour to be in there with the big hitters. It's an honour to be in there with the big hitters.
10 00:00:25,440 00:00:27,719 Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out.
11 00:00:27,720 00:00:30,720 Ifyou were doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs Ifyou were doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs
12 00:00:31,600 00:00:34,399 at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent. at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent.
13 00:00:34,400 00:00:36,879 - Probably at Coffee Republic. - Covered in piss. - Probably at Coffee Republic. - Covered in piss.
14 00:00:36,880 00:00:39,880 Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck.
15 00:00:40,400 00:00:42,439 - Yeah. - What about the...piss? - Yeah. - What about the...piss?
16 00:00:42,440 00:00:44,679 - It's a figure ofspeech. - I'd better go. - It's a figure ofspeech. - I'd better go.
17 00:00:44,680 00:00:46,359 - See you later, Robyn. - OK. - See you later, Robyn. - OK.
18 00:00:46,360 00:00:48,959 - I'm sure there's a way of... - Robyn! - I'm sure there's a way of... - Robyn!
19 00:00:48,960 00:00:51,960 Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about the erm... Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about the erm...
20 00:00:56,680 00:00:58,999 about the reshuffle? about the reshuffle?
21 00:00:59,000 00:01:02,000 - I've really got to go. I don't want to be late. - God, don't be late. - I've really got to go. I don't want to be late. - God, don't be late.
22 00:01:02,520 00:01:04,759 Apparently, they shout at the last one in. Apparently, they shout at the last one in.
23 00:01:04,760 00:01:07,719 Ifanyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. Ifanyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me.
24 00:01:07,720 00:01:10,720 I'll box his ears. I'll box his ears.
25 00:01:12,320 00:01:15,320 Box his ears? Ifthat was flirting, that was absolutely crap. Box his ears? Box his ears? Ifthat was flirting, that was absolutely crap. Box his ears?
26 00:01:16,760 00:01:19,119 How long is it since you've had sex? How long is it since you've had sex?
27 00:01:19,120 00:01:22,120 That is between me and my internet service provider. That is between me and my internet service provider.
28 00:01:22,760 00:01:25,439 - Anyway, about this... - You've gone red, Glenn. - Anyway, about this... - You've gone red, Glenn.
29 00:01:25,440 00:01:27,839 You have. Look, you've gone red. You have. Look, you've gone red.
30 00:01:27,840 00:01:30,759 - I have not gone red. That's red. - Yeah! - I have not gone red. That's red. - Yeah!
31 00:01:30,760 00:01:33,359 Look, he can hardly walk properly. Look, he can hardly walk properly.
32 00:01:33,360 00:01:36,079 - Morning, morning, morning! - (All) Morning. - Morning, morning, morning! - (All) Morning.
33 00:01:36,080 00:01:37,799 OK. I want to have a bit ofa think OK. I want to have a bit ofa think
34 00:01:37,800 00:01:40,800 about some ofour presentational issues with regard to yesterday. about some ofour presentational issues with regard to yesterday.
35 00:01:41,360 00:01:44,360 There seems to have been a problem last night with Liam on Newsnight. There seems to have been a problem last night with Liam on Newsnight.
36 00:01:45,200 00:01:48,200 I want to know why did we have a minister on who did not appear to know their lines. I want to know why did we have a minister on who did not appear to know their lines.
37 00:01:50,720 00:01:53,720 - It's not his fault. We grilled him beforehand. - Grilled? - It's not his fault. We grilled him beforehand. - Grilled?
38 00:01:53,960 00:01:56,559 - He's got a new baby. - I don't care. - He's got a new baby. - I don't care.
39 00:01:56,560 00:01:59,560 I don't care ifhe's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was talking about. I don't care ifhe's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was talking about.
40 00:02:00,400 00:02:03,400 Now, I know he doesn't, but he's got to appear as ifhe does, right? Now, I know he doesn't, but he's got to appear as ifhe does, right?
41 00:02:03,960 00:02:06,079 And that is your job, and your job. And that is your job, and your job.
42 00:02:06,080 00:02:09,080 And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours.
43 00:02:10,000 00:02:13,000 With all due respect to ministers, give them the lines. Right? With all due respect to ministers, give them the lines. Right?
44 00:02:15,120 00:02:17,919 Give them all the lines to say? Give them all the lines to say?
45 00:02:17,920 00:02:20,920 This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today.
46 00:02:22,040 00:02:25,040 She's standing in for Terri at the Department ofSocial Affairs. So be gentle with her. She's standing in for Terri at the Department ofSocial Affairs. So be gentle with her.
47 00:02:27,360 00:02:30,079 No remarks about the Department ofStuffed Anuses, No remarks about the Department ofStuffed Anuses,
48 00:02:30,080 00:02:33,080 or the Department ofStupid Announcements or the Department ofSod All. or the Department ofStupid Announcements or the Department ofSod All.
49 00:02:34,800 00:02:37,559 - Right, next. - Reshuffle? - Right, next. - Reshuffle?
50 00:02:37,560 00:02:40,560 Yes, there is a pending reshuffle. I can see we're not going to get anything past you. Yes, there is a pending reshuffle. I can see we're not going to get anything past you.
51 00:02:42,240 00:02:45,240 There was a young girl from DOSA who helped herselfto a samosa. There was a young girl from DOSA who helped herselfto a samosa.
52 00:02:46,480 00:02:48,919 Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Argh! Next time I'll come up with something.
53 00:02:48,920 00:02:50,679 Just a bit offun. Just a bit offun.
54 00:02:50,680 00:02:53,680 Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, definitely, we don't know anything. Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, definitely, we don't know anything.
55 00:02:54,280 00:02:57,280 I don't know anything, so we can't say anything. I don't know anything, so we can't say anything.
56 00:02:57,480 00:02:59,839 But even ifwe did, we wouldn't. But even ifwe did, we wouldn't.
57 00:02:59,840 00:03:02,559 But we don't, so we both can't and won't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't.
58 00:03:02,560 00:03:05,560 Last Cabinet before reshuffle. How do you think I should... Last Cabinet before reshuffle. How do you think I should...
59 00:03:06,000 00:03:09,000 Should I go in there with all guns blazing, new policy ideas, and do a big ha cha cha cha cha? Should I go in there with all guns blazing, new policy ideas, and do a big ha cha cha cha cha?
60 00:03:11,400 00:03:14,400 - Or should I be more hmmm, like Buddha? - You don't have to do either. - Or should I be more hmmm, like Buddha? - You don't have to do either.
61 00:03:16,040 00:03:19,040 You could just sort ofnod quietly, nod wisely every so often, You could just sort ofnod quietly, nod wisely every so often,
62 00:03:19,600 00:03:22,600 and then just have a policy in your back pocket, just in case... and then just have a policy in your back pocket, just in case...
63 00:03:23,040 00:03:26,039 What's the policy I've got in my back pocket? What's the policy I've got in my back pocket?
64 00:03:26,040 00:03:29,040 Tripling the number ofquiet carriages on Intercity trains. Tripling the number ofquiet carriages on Intercity trains.
65 00:03:29,680 00:03:32,680 Oh, wow! What a big, exciting hard-on moment that's going to be! Oh, wow! What a big, exciting hard-on moment that's going to be!
66 00:03:33,880 00:03:36,880 - That's not bad. Did you just think ofthat? - Like that. - That's not bad. Did you just think ofthat? - Like that.
67 00:03:37,640 00:03:39,199 Hugh. Hugh.
68 00:03:39,200 00:03:42,200 - After Cabinet, you are going to...? - Talk to Tucker? - After Cabinet, you are going to...? - Talk to Tucker?
69 00:03:43,120 00:03:44,919 - About the reshuffle? - Yeah. - About the reshuffle? - Yeah.
70 00:03:44,920 00:03:47,920 I'll slip it in during the conversation. Much as you're intending to do with Robyn, I suspect. I'll slip it in during the conversation. Much as you're intending to do with Robyn, I suspect.
71 00:03:50,280 00:03:53,280 - Right, next? - Julius Nicholson? I got it yesterday. - Right, next? - Julius Nicholson? I got it yesterday.
72 00:03:53,600 00:03:56,600 He was looking at the MOD taking over UK security from the Home Office. He was looking at the MOD taking over UK security from the Home Office.
73 00:03:57,240 00:03:59,319 That was flown by one ofNicholson's mob. That was flown by one ofNicholson's mob.
74 00:03:59,320 00:04:02,320 I'm spending halfofmy time now dealing with this rubbish that Nicholson's putting out. I'm spending halfofmy time now dealing with this rubbish that Nicholson's putting out.
75 00:04:04,640 00:04:07,640 There's a Sunday piece about you and him not getting along. Have you got a line? There's a Sunday piece about you and him not getting along. Have you got a line?
76 00:04:08,760 00:04:11,319 Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser.
77 00:04:11,320 00:04:14,320 He now has a wide-ranging brief and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking He now has a wide-ranging brief and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking
78 00:04:16,440 00:04:19,440 will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, ''beyond delivery, and beyond that''. will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, ''beyond delivery, and beyond that''.
79 00:04:22,600 00:04:24,199 That's the line, OK? That's the line, OK?
80 00:04:24,200 00:04:27,200 Ifhe does stick his baldy head round your door with some stupid idea, Ifhe does stick his baldy head round your door with some stupid idea,
81 00:04:28,120 00:04:31,120 about policemen's helmets should be yellow, or let's set up a department to count the moon, about policemen's helmets should be yellow, or let's set up a department to count the moon,
82 00:04:33,920 00:04:36,920 just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know?
83 00:04:37,560 00:04:40,560 Just say, ''Oh, yeah, that's lovely. We must talk about that later,'' OK? Just say, ''Oh, yeah, that's lovely. We must talk about that later,'' OK?
84 00:04:42,400 00:04:44,079 In no way, shape or form... In no way, shape or form...
85 00:04:44,080 00:04:45,279 (Knock at door) (Knock at door)
86 00:04:45,280 00:04:48,280 - Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. - I'll come the fuck in, then. - Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. - I'll come the fuck in, then.
87 00:04:48,480 00:04:51,480 It's just something that Nicholson's flown. It's just something that Nicholson's flown.
88 00:04:51,760 00:04:54,760 A kind ofbrain exercise, like ''What would it be like ifmen had tits?'' A kind ofbrain exercise, like ''What would it be like ifmen had tits?''
89 00:04:56,440 00:04:58,879 Mark Mardell? That's pretty good, actually. Mark Mardell? That's pretty good, actually.
90 00:04:58,880 00:05:01,119 All right, then. See you, then. All right, then. See you, then.
91 00:05:01,120 00:05:03,679 - Hugh? - I thought you would want to know. - Hugh? - I thought you would want to know.
92 00:05:03,680 00:05:05,119 - What? - Terri's dad. - What? - Terri's dad.
93 00:05:05,120 00:05:07,679 - Yeah? - No news at the moment. - Yeah? - No news at the moment.
94 00:05:07,680 00:05:10,679 - You've come to talk about the reshuffle. - Yeah, I have. - You've come to talk about the reshuffle. - Yeah, I have.
95 00:05:10,680 00:05:13,680 - Yeah? - In terms ofshuffley stuff, how is Neil? - Yeah? - In terms ofshuffley stuff, how is Neil?
96 00:05:14,720 00:05:17,719 - I mean, is his heart... - Have you not heard? - I mean, is his heart... - Have you not heard?
97 00:05:17,720 00:05:19,839 No. No.
98 00:05:19,840 00:05:22,039 (Heavy sigh) He's paralysed. (Heavy sigh) He's paralysed.
99 00:05:22,040 00:05:23,079 Oh, no. Oh, no.
100 00:05:23,080 00:05:25,679 - Neil's on wheels. - You're kidding. - Neil's on wheels. - You're kidding.
101 00:05:25,680 00:05:27,879 - He's a vegetable. - Oh, my God. - He's a vegetable. - Oh, my God.
102 00:05:27,880 00:05:30,880 Yeah. Yeah.
103 00:05:32,800 00:05:35,079 That means you could have his department. That means you could have his department.
104 00:05:35,080 00:05:37,399 Oh, you are kidding. Fuck you very much. Oh, you are kidding. Fuck you very much.
105 00:05:37,400 00:05:40,400 You're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle. I don't know anything. You're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle. I don't know anything.
106 00:05:41,080 00:05:44,080 The PM is still working it out on the back ofa Coldplay CD as we speak. The PM is still working it out on the back ofa Coldplay CD as we speak.
107 00:05:44,560 00:05:47,560 - Are you in, sir? - Ah! MrJulius Nicholson. - Are you in, sir? - Ah! MrJulius Nicholson.
108 00:05:48,200 00:05:51,200 - Nice to see you again. - What proposals have you got for us today? - Nice to see you again. - What proposals have you got for us today?
109 00:05:52,120 00:05:55,039 - How about a ban on sand castles? - I wanted to find out - How about a ban on sand castles? - I wanted to find out
110 00:05:55,040 00:05:57,759 ifyou're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. ifyou're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon.
111 00:05:57,760 00:06:00,079 - FSG briefing? - Forward Strategy Group. - FSG briefing? - Forward Strategy Group.
112 00:06:00,080 00:06:03,080 Well, you know, Julius, I'm just going to have to send one ofthe boys. Well, you know, Julius, I'm just going to have to send one ofthe boys.
113 00:06:05,360 00:06:08,360 I have got so much work to do here, what with this MOD... I have got so much work to do here, what with this MOD...
114 00:06:09,080 00:06:12,080 Well, as the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised ifwe abolish you. Well, as the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised ifwe abolish you.
115 00:06:14,000 00:06:17,000 I'll leave it with you. I'll leave it with you.
116 00:06:18,440 00:06:20,599 That was a bit erm... That was a bit erm...
117 00:06:20,600 00:06:22,959 - Are you all right? - I'm fucking all right. - Are you all right? - I'm fucking all right.
118 00:06:22,960 00:06:25,960 - I can fucking look after myself. - Under the spotlight now. - I can fucking look after myself. - Under the spotlight now.
119 00:06:26,160 00:06:29,160 Just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear. Just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear.
120 00:06:30,720 00:06:33,159 - What missus? - The prime minister's missus. - What missus? - The prime minister's missus.
121 00:06:33,160 00:06:36,160 Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut ofyour jib, son. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut ofyour jib, son.
122 00:06:38,160 00:06:40,199 She...? She's hardly seen my jib. She...? She's hardly seen my jib.
123 00:06:40,200 00:06:43,200 I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all.
124 00:06:44,920 00:06:47,679 Why doesn't she like me? What's not to like? Why doesn't she like me? What's not to like?
125 00:06:47,680 00:06:50,680 - You just didn't click. - We were talking about the fucking Euro. - You just didn't click. - We were talking about the fucking Euro.
126 00:06:51,960 00:06:54,960 How are you supposed to click over the Euro? Fucking impossible. How are you supposed to click over the Euro? Fucking impossible.
127 00:06:55,440 00:06:58,440 - Don't take it so personally. - She doesn't like me as a person. - Don't take it so personally. - She doesn't like me as a person.
128 00:06:59,640 00:07:02,319 How else am I supposed to take it? How else am I supposed to take it?
129 00:07:02,320 00:07:03,359 Definitely Hugh. Definitely Hugh.
130 00:07:03,360 00:07:06,360 Robyn, can you send these back to archives? They're not even highlighted. Robyn, can you send these back to archives? They're not even highlighted.
131 00:07:07,920 00:07:10,920 I'm not going to plough through all that. I need the last four months ofthe European Digest. I'm not going to plough through all that. I need the last four months ofthe European Digest.
132 00:07:12,760 00:07:15,760 Is it cos you fancy me? Is that what this is all about? Is it cos you fancy me? Is that what this is all about?
133 00:07:16,800 00:07:19,800 - Sorry? - You're so rude. That's got to be the reason. - Sorry? - You're so rude. That's got to be the reason.
134 00:07:20,760 00:07:23,760 Other people knock and say ''hello'', ''good morning'', ''thanks'' and ''nice top'' sometimes. Other people knock and say ''hello'', ''good morning'', ''thanks'' and ''nice top'' sometimes.
135 00:07:27,280 00:07:30,280 Well, no. For a start, I don't fancy you. Well, no. For a start, I don't fancy you.
136 00:07:31,160 00:07:34,160 I don't know where you got that in your head, but get it out. I don't know where you got that in your head, but get it out.
137 00:07:34,320 00:07:37,320 IfI'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it? IfI'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?
138 00:07:38,760 00:07:40,759 That would definitely do it. That would definitely do it.
139 00:07:40,760 00:07:43,760 Well, thank you very much for the work you do. Hi, by the way. How are you? Well, thank you very much for the work you do. Hi, by the way. How are you?
140 00:07:44,640 00:07:46,279 I'm really well. I'm really well.
141 00:07:46,280 00:07:49,280 You look lovely. Can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific. You look lovely. Can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.
142 00:07:51,800 00:07:54,800 - All you had to do was ask me. - Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. - All you had to do was ask me. - Yeah, well, all I did do is ask.
143 00:07:56,000 00:07:58,519 Phwor! Phwor!
144 00:07:58,520 00:07:59,599 A joke. A joke.
145 00:07:59,600 00:08:02,079 - Hello. - Morning, Minister. - Hello. - Morning, Minister.
146 00:08:02,080 00:08:05,080 I need to have a word, Olly, and then can you get me Terri on the phone, please? I need to have a word, Olly, and then can you get me Terri on the phone, please?
147 00:08:06,160 00:08:07,959 - Where is Glenn? - Please? - Where is Glenn? - Please?
148 00:08:07,960 00:08:10,960 Nicholson hauled him in for a chat. One ofhis bright ideas. Nicholson hauled him in for a chat. One ofhis bright ideas.
149 00:08:11,280 00:08:14,280 Inflatable churches for rural communities or tattooing immigrants. Inflatable churches for rural communities or tattooing immigrants.
150 00:08:16,160 00:08:19,160 Apparently, the PM's wife doesn't like me. Did you know this? Apparently, the PM's wife doesn't like me. Did you know this?
151 00:08:21,160 00:08:24,160 No. Erm... Why? No. Erm... Why?
152 00:08:24,200 00:08:27,200 Two reasons. Cut ofmy jib and insufficient clicking. Two reasons. Cut ofmy jib and insufficient clicking.
153 00:08:27,760 00:08:30,760 I'll be a footnote in political history because I didn't have an anecdote about puppies. I'll be a footnote in political history because I didn't have an anecdote about puppies.
154 00:08:33,200 00:08:35,639 We can brainstorm small talk ifyou want to. We can brainstorm small talk ifyou want to.
155 00:08:35,640 00:08:38,640 Realistically, I'm not going to get promotion, not while this prime minister's still in power. Realistically, I'm not going to get promotion, not while this prime minister's still in power.
156 00:08:41,000 00:08:43,559 Well, not while he's married to the same wife. Well, not while he's married to the same wife.
157 00:08:43,560 00:08:46,560 Knowing your lot, he'll leave her, she'll marry his replacement. Knowing your lot, he'll leave her, she'll marry his replacement.
158 00:08:47,040 00:08:50,040 I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just... I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just...
159 00:08:52,000 00:08:54,039 - What does that mean? - Fuck knows what it means. - What does that mean? - Fuck knows what it means.
160 00:08:54,040 00:08:57,040 But I don't think it means, ''Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary.'' But I don't think it means, ''Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary.''
161 00:08:58,920 00:09:01,920 And even ifit did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, And even ifit did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing,
162 00:09:02,760 00:09:05,239 then she'll say, ''Abbot as Home Secretary?'' then she'll say, ''Abbot as Home Secretary?''
163 00:09:05,240 00:09:08,240 ''The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.'' ''The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling.''
164 00:09:09,520 00:09:12,520 - Terri on line one, and there's her dad's name. - Dad's name? - Terri on line one, and there's her dad's name. - Dad's name?
165 00:09:13,960 00:09:15,559 Hello. Hello.
166 00:09:15,560 00:09:17,799 Hello, how are you? Hello, how are you?
167 00:09:17,800 00:09:20,800 - I'm not great, actually. - Yes, goodness me. - I'm not great, actually. - Yes, goodness me.
168 00:09:21,560 00:09:24,560 Please be sure to send my best to...to...to your dad. Please be sure to send my best to...to...to your dad.
169 00:09:26,280 00:09:27,519 Thanks. Thanks.
170 00:09:27,520 00:09:29,719 Look, I heard today Look, I heard today
171 00:09:29,720 00:09:32,559 that the PM's wife doesn't like me. that the PM's wife doesn't like me.
172 00:09:32,560 00:09:35,079 - Did you know about this? - Yes, I did. - Did you know about this? - Yes, I did.
173 00:09:35,080 00:09:38,080 - I know about the lack ofclick. Anything else? - Hugh, my dad's dying. - I know about the lack ofclick. Anything else? - Hugh, my dad's dying.
174 00:09:40,120 00:09:43,120 Ofcourse. Thanks so much for taking the time to talk to me, Terri. Ofcourse. Thanks so much for taking the time to talk to me, Terri.
175 00:09:44,160 00:09:47,160 It must be a... Well, obviously, it's a very, very hard time for you. It must be a... Well, obviously, it's a very, very hard time for you.
176 00:09:48,760 00:09:51,760 It's just ironic that it happens to have coincided with a hard time for me. It's just ironic that it happens to have coincided with a hard time for me.
177 00:09:52,600 00:09:55,600 Because, you know, I thought I was solid with the reshuffle. Because, you know, I thought I was solid with the reshuffle.
178 00:09:56,240 00:09:59,079 But now, with the not clicking bombshell, But now, with the not clicking bombshell,
179 00:09:59,080 00:10:02,080 I need to give the impression that I'm not budging, I'm staying exactly where I am, I need to give the impression that I'm not budging, I'm staying exactly where I am,
180 00:10:03,680 00:10:06,680 I'm here for ever, you know, like Ken erm... I'm here for ever, you know, like Ken erm...
181 00:10:08,080 00:10:10,639 Ken Livingstone? Russell? Ken Livingstone? Russell?
182 00:10:10,640 00:10:12,319 Hom? Hom?
183 00:10:12,320 00:10:14,199 - Barlow? - Barlow! - Barlow? - Barlow!
184 00:10:14,200 00:10:17,200 - Like Ken Barlow. I'm solid. - (Glenn) That fucking arse clamp, Nicholson! - Like Ken Barlow. I'm solid. - (Glenn) That fucking arse clamp, Nicholson!
185 00:10:18,800 00:10:21,800 Look, I don't want to say this too many times, but the fact is Nicholson's shafted us. Look, I don't want to say this too many times, but the fact is Nicholson's shafted us.
186 00:10:23,680 00:10:26,599 He's cut us out ofthe 8:30 briefings. He's cut us out ofthe 8:30 briefings.
187 00:10:26,600 00:10:28,039 - That's awful. - I know. - That's awful. - I know.
188 00:10:28,040 00:10:31,040 But for now, this department is no longer going to any ofMalcolm's 8:30 briefings, OK? But for now, this department is no longer going to any ofMalcolm's 8:30 briefings, OK?
189 00:10:33,560 00:10:36,560 - Tomorrow morning, I just stay here? - Yes, that's right. - Tomorrow morning, I just stay here? - Yes, that's right.
190 00:10:36,600 00:10:39,119 - I don't want to alarm Hugh about this. - Oh, God! This ges worse! - I don't want to alarm Hugh about this. - Oh, God! This ges worse!
191 00:10:39,120 00:10:42,120 Listen to me, Robyn. He's got quite enough on his mind at the moment. Listen to me, Robyn. He's got quite enough on his mind at the moment.
192 00:10:43,000 00:10:46,000 So tomorrow morning, what you do is you leave here at the same time, about 8:20, So tomorrow morning, what you do is you leave here at the same time, about 8:20,
193 00:10:48,120 00:10:50,719 and you fuck offand go and sit in a park. and you fuck offand go and sit in a park.
194 00:10:50,720 00:10:53,720 - And not tell Hugh? - Yes. It's only temporary. - And not tell Hugh? - Yes. It's only temporary.
195 00:10:53,960 00:10:56,279 - Oh, God! - I'm going to sort it out, OK? - Oh, God! - I'm going to sort it out, OK?
196 00:10:56,280 00:10:58,199 Won't it just be a bit demeaning? Won't it just be a bit demeaning?
197 00:10:58,200 00:11:01,200 Terri says there's a list ofQuestion Time producers in her top drawer. Terri says there's a list ofQuestion Time producers in her top drawer.
198 00:11:02,360 00:11:04,359 - Are you OK, Robyn? - Erm... Yeah. - Are you OK, Robyn? - Erm... Yeah.
199 00:11:04,360 00:11:07,039 - Have you been touching her? - Fuck off. - Have you been touching her? - Fuck off.
200 00:11:07,040 00:11:10,040 Yes, I've got the producers' names, so thanks for that. Yes, I've got the producers' names, so thanks for that.
201 00:11:10,240 00:11:13,240 And is there anything else that I could do? You know, photo opps or a little party? And is there anything else that I could do? You know, photo opps or a little party?
202 00:11:16,600 00:11:19,600 Schmooze the broadsheets? Tell them how I love running Social Affairs? Schmooze the broadsheets? Tell them how I love running Social Affairs?
203 00:11:20,320 00:11:23,320 Yeah, that would work, wouldn't it? Yeah, that would work, wouldn't it?
204 00:11:23,440 00:11:26,440 Everyone loves a party. Well, I don't, personally, but people do. Everyone loves a party. Well, I don't, personally, but people do.
205 00:11:27,320 00:11:30,320 - Get your head round this. You go to a park. - Which park? - Get your head round this. You go to a park. - Which park?
206 00:11:30,400 00:11:33,400 - Just choose... Green Park. - I don't like Green Park. - Just choose... Green Park. - I don't like Green Park.
207 00:11:33,640 00:11:35,959 - Which park do you like? - StJames's Park. - Which park do you like? - StJames's Park.
208 00:11:35,960 00:11:38,960 Go to StJames's Park, then. OK? Go to StJames's Park, then. OK?
209 00:11:39,240 00:11:42,240 - I think we should tell the minister. - Listen, Robyn, I really like you, but fuck off! - I think we should tell the minister. - Listen, Robyn, I really like you, but fuck off!
210 00:11:44,520 00:11:46,639 - Has he been touching you? - Don't start. - Has he been touching you? - Don't start.
211 00:11:46,640 00:11:49,640 Oh, God! I'm rubbish, apparently. Oh, God! I'm rubbish, apparently.
212 00:11:49,720 00:11:52,720 That's why Nicholson has banned us from the 8:30 meetings, That's why Nicholson has banned us from the 8:30 meetings,
213 00:11:53,440 00:11:56,440 and I've got to go and sit in StJames's Park and pretend I'm in a meeting all morning. and I've got to go and sit in StJames's Park and pretend I'm in a meeting all morning.
214 00:11:58,200 00:12:01,200 I wouldn't worry. There should be four or five ofyou out there. I wouldn't worry. There should be four or five ofyou out there.
215 00:12:02,200 00:12:05,200 This is another example ofthinking out ofthe box by someone who's out ofhis fucking tree. This is another example ofthinking out ofthe box by someone who's out ofhis fucking tree.
216 00:12:07,600 00:12:10,600 - I've got to go. I'll talk to you later. Bye. - Ah, Malcolm Tucker! - I've got to go. I'll talk to you later. Bye. - Ah, Malcolm Tucker!
217 00:12:11,760 00:12:14,319 Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for?
218 00:12:14,320 00:12:17,320 - I am keen to have a chat with Keith Percival. - Yeah. - I am keen to have a chat with Keith Percival. - Yeah.
219 00:12:18,240 00:12:20,959 - That won't be possible. - And I need the O'Rourke papers. - That won't be possible. - And I need the O'Rourke papers.
220 00:12:20,960 00:12:23,960 I'm afraid not. Anything else? I'm afraid not. Anything else?
221 00:12:25,080 00:12:26,959 Look, Malcolm, you and I both know Look, Malcolm, you and I both know
222 00:12:26,960 00:12:29,960 my power flows directly from the PM. Ifyou've got a problem... my power flows directly from the PM. Ifyou've got a problem...
223 00:12:30,440 00:12:33,440 Keith is so busy with real governmental work Keith is so busy with real governmental work
224 00:12:34,200 00:12:37,200 that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories.
225 00:12:37,920 00:12:40,920 The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything we can actually action at this moment. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything we can actually action at this moment.
226 00:12:43,280 00:12:46,280 That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM, which I do every Sunday, That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM, which I do every Sunday,
227 00:12:48,840 00:12:51,799 he was saying he was looking forward to seeing that paper. he was saying he was looking forward to seeing that paper.
228 00:12:51,800 00:12:54,800 He thinks your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because I see him every day. He thinks your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because I see him every day.
229 00:12:57,640 00:13:00,640 I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make fucking waffles. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make fucking waffles.
230 00:13:01,640 00:13:04,640 But I cannot allow you to come in here But I cannot allow you to come in here
231 00:13:06,160 00:13:09,160 and interfere with the actual process ofgovernment. and interfere with the actual process ofgovernment.
232 00:13:09,760 00:13:12,760 - Malcolm, that is my job! That's my job. - That is what is happening. - Malcolm, that is my job! That's my job. - That is what is happening.
233 00:13:14,200 00:13:17,200 - Well, you're doing it very fucking well. - There are going to be big changes. - Well, you're doing it very fucking well. - There are going to be big changes.
234 00:13:18,280 00:13:21,280 Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle.
235 00:13:21,760 00:13:23,799 With all due respect, Julius, With all due respect, Julius,
236 00:13:23,800 00:13:26,800 the reshuffle is the business ofthe PM alone, which means that that is my business. the reshuffle is the business ofthe PM alone, which means that that is my business.
237 00:13:28,800 00:13:31,800 - It is my remit. - No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. - It is my remit. - No, Malcolm. Historically, yes.
238 00:13:32,040 00:13:35,040 - But now it's part ofmy remit. - I'll tell you what we should do. - But now it's part ofmy remit. - I'll tell you what we should do.
239 00:13:35,440 00:13:38,440 Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table
240 00:13:39,320 00:13:41,959 and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? and see who's got the biggest fucking remit?
241 00:13:41,960 00:13:44,759 Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation. Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation.
242 00:13:44,760 00:13:47,760 - We need to talk about access... - Why am I talking about accommodation? - We need to talk about access... - Why am I talking about accommodation?
243 00:13:48,880 00:13:51,880 It's a 21-man department, we can't fit upstairs, this is ideal. It's a 21-man department, we can't fit upstairs, this is ideal.
244 00:13:52,880 00:13:55,679 - 21 men in here? - Not just in here, no. - 21 men in here? - Not just in here, no.
245 00:13:55,680 00:13:58,680 This office will be perfectly useable, for not only myself... This office will be perfectly useable, for not only myself...
246 00:13:58,920 00:14:00,999 - That's not an office. - Yes, it is. - That's not an office. - Yes, it is.
247 00:14:01,000 00:14:04,000 - It's a pantry. - We will refit this out as a working office. - It's a pantry. - We will refit this out as a working office.
248 00:14:05,040 00:14:08,039 - Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. - So what? - Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. - So what?
249 00:14:08,040 00:14:11,040 What we'll do is we kick through this, bang, straight into the PM's private study. What we'll do is we kick through this, bang, straight into the PM's private study.
250 00:14:13,320 00:14:16,320 What are people going to say when they come in and they say, ''Where is Julius Nicholson?'' What are people going to say when they come in and they say, ''Where is Julius Nicholson?''
251 00:14:18,800 00:14:20,559 - I'm here. - He's in the pantry. - I'm here. - He's in the pantry.
252 00:14:20,560 00:14:23,079 - Here I am. - They're going to ridicule you. - Here I am. - They're going to ridicule you.
253 00:14:23,080 00:14:26,080 - They're not going to ridicule me. - ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' - They're not going to ridicule me. - ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?''
254 00:14:28,360 00:14:31,159 Why are you behaving like a complete prick? Why are you behaving like a complete prick?
255 00:14:31,160 00:14:34,079 I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up.
256 00:14:34,080 00:14:37,080 Then when you get your big break and you're on fucking Call My Bluff... Then when you get your big break and you're on fucking Call My Bluff...
257 00:14:38,320 00:14:41,320 Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here. Julius! Get the fuck back in here! Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here. Julius! Get the fuck back in here!
258 00:14:45,120 00:14:46,319 Please! Please!
259 00:14:46,320 00:14:49,320 Please, come back. Let's be civilised. Let's be civilised about it. Please, come back. Let's be civilised. Let's be civilised about it.
260 00:14:50,560 00:14:53,560 Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right? Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right?
261 00:14:57,440 00:15:00,440 - This is a perfectly useable office space. - Let's just cool it for one minute, OK? - This is a perfectly useable office space. - Let's just cool it for one minute, OK?
262 00:15:01,800 00:15:04,800 Just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. Just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me.
263 00:15:05,520 00:15:08,520 This is a Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? This is a Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here?
264 00:15:08,880 00:15:11,880 - No, I don't. - Since the time ofElizabeth I, at least. - No, I don't. - Since the time ofElizabeth I, at least.
265 00:15:12,440 00:15:15,159 That does not open. Look at it. Try opening it. That does not open. Look at it. Try opening it.
266 00:15:15,160 00:15:18,160 This is the kind ofstuffyou like. Character building, team building. This is the kind ofstuffyou like. Character building, team building.
267 00:15:18,840 00:15:20,639 Try to open the door. Try to open the door.
268 00:15:20,640 00:15:23,640 - Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. - It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. - Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. - It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry.
269 00:15:26,720 00:15:28,719 I was with Emma. We went for a drink. I was with Emma. We went for a drink.
270 00:15:28,720 00:15:31,239 That's still your opposition bit ofskirt, is it? That's still your opposition bit ofskirt, is it?
271 00:15:31,240 00:15:34,240 Yeah. Don't say ''bit ofskirt''. It makes you sound like SidJames. Yeah. Don't say ''bit ofskirt''. It makes you sound like SidJames.
272 00:15:35,400 00:15:37,719 - Morning, Minister. - Offto the 8:30? - Morning, Minister. - Offto the 8:30?
273 00:15:37,720 00:15:40,159 Yep, into the house ofthe grass snakes. Yep, into the house ofthe grass snakes.
274 00:15:40,160 00:15:43,160 - Grass snakes are actually quite benign. - The cobras. - Grass snakes are actually quite benign. - The cobras.
275 00:15:43,640 00:15:46,640 Can you try, really try, to get the goss on the reshuffle? Can you try, really try, to get the goss on the reshuffle?
276 00:15:47,520 00:15:50,520 I don't really care how desperate you look at this point, so don't pussyfoot around. I don't really care how desperate you look at this point, so don't pussyfoot around.
277 00:15:52,320 00:15:55,159 - OK, I'll really give it a go this time. - Thank you. - OK, I'll really give it a go this time. - Thank you.
278 00:15:55,160 00:15:58,160 - Up all night doing invitations for my party? - They're out. Don't worry. - Up all night doing invitations for my party? - They're out. Don't worry.
279 00:15:59,320 00:16:02,320 I am desperate, but I don't want to look desperate, like Glenn. I am desperate, but I don't want to look desperate, like Glenn.
280 00:16:03,120 00:16:05,599 Oh, God, here we go again. Like Glenn, what? Oh, God, here we go again. Like Glenn, what?
281 00:16:05,600 00:16:08,600 I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was... I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...
282 00:16:11,240 00:16:13,039 - Basic Instinct. - That's good. - Basic Instinct. - That's good.
283 00:16:13,040 00:16:15,599 That's the repartee I need with the PM's wife. That's the repartee I need with the PM's wife.
284 00:16:15,600 00:16:18,600 It's that final tsssss! That's the bit I'm missing. It's that final tsssss! That's the bit I'm missing.
285 00:16:18,720 00:16:21,720 Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife. Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife.
286 00:16:23,120 00:16:26,120 OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort ofhappy medium. OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort ofhappy medium.
287 00:16:27,520 00:16:30,520 Morning, morning, morning. What's the story in Bala-fucking-mory? Morning, morning, morning. What's the story in Bala-fucking-mory?
288 00:16:30,720 00:16:33,720 Who can tell me the issues ofthe moment? First to answer wins a big, massive boat. Who can tell me the issues ofthe moment? First to answer wins a big, massive boat.
289 00:16:40,200 00:16:43,200 Lisa says Nicholson is squelching his way through the building, so we're on stand-by. Lisa says Nicholson is squelching his way through the building, so we're on stand-by.
290 00:16:45,760 00:16:48,760 - Can't we just kill him, shoot him? - Fire him at a wall from a cannon? - Can't we just kill him, shoot him? - Fire him at a wall from a cannon?
291 00:16:49,680 00:16:51,359 Just a wall two feet away. Just a wall two feet away.
292 00:16:51,360 00:16:54,360 I know. We force-feed him with a mixture ofgarlic and Dettol in cuppa soup. I know. We force-feed him with a mixture ofgarlic and Dettol in cuppa soup.
293 00:16:56,960 00:16:59,119 What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II? What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
294 00:16:59,120 00:17:01,799 I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head, I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head,
295 00:17:01,800 00:17:04,800 and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating offthe flesh in a slow and painful death. and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating offthe flesh in a slow and painful death.
296 00:17:08,320 00:17:10,919 But that rather bitter anomaly aside, But that rather bitter anomaly aside,
297 00:17:10,920 00:17:13,920 most ofthe responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive. most ofthe responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
298 00:17:16,680 00:17:19,680 - Hello, Julius. - Morning, Julius. - Hello, Julius. - Morning, Julius.
299 00:17:24,080 00:17:27,080 - I'll just do that. Right. - Would you like a cup oftea? - I'll just do that. Right. - Would you like a cup oftea?
300 00:17:27,680 00:17:30,680 Oh, no, no. I'm bouncing, so what I'm going to suggest, ifI may... Oh, no, no. I'm bouncing, so what I'm going to suggest, ifI may...
301 00:17:32,320 00:17:34,359 - Cuppa soup? - Not for me, no. - Cuppa soup? - Not for me, no.
302 00:17:34,360 00:17:36,719 I'm hoping to go over the ASBOs. I'm hoping to go over the ASBOs.
303 00:17:36,720 00:17:39,720 Are there any ASBOs processed on this site? Actioned or processed on this site? Are there any ASBOs processed on this site? Actioned or processed on this site?
304 00:17:41,480 00:17:44,480 No, this is the ministry. Everything is done over at Richmond Terrace. No, this is the ministry. Everything is done over at Richmond Terrace.
305 00:17:46,240 00:17:48,479 (Julius) Right. I'll just get my pen out. (Julius) Right. I'll just get my pen out.
306 00:17:48,480 00:17:51,480 - Richmond...House, is it? - Terrace. - Richmond...House, is it? - Terrace.
307 00:17:53,200 00:17:54,679 OK, so that... Well... OK, so that... Well...
308 00:17:54,680 00:17:57,680 - We've been bouncing around about this. - I'd like to have seen that. - We've been bouncing around about this. - I'd like to have seen that.
309 00:18:00,400 00:18:03,400 We've got five Whitehall departments having some sort ofimpact upon the ASBO process. We've got five Whitehall departments having some sort ofimpact upon the ASBO process.
310 00:18:05,840 00:18:08,840 We've got Lord Chancellor's, DWP, Department ofHealth. We've got Lord Chancellor's, DWP, Department ofHealth.
311 00:18:09,920 00:18:12,920 We take those away. So... We take those away. So...
312 00:18:13,120 00:18:16,120 out ofthe five, let's put three with you, so out ofthe five, three are over there. out ofthe five, let's put three with you, so out ofthe five, three are over there.
313 00:18:17,440 00:18:20,119 Glenn's got custody ofthree for the time being. Glenn's got custody ofthree for the time being.
314 00:18:20,120 00:18:22,559 Two, four, six billion pounds there. Two, four, six billion pounds there.
315 00:18:22,560 00:18:25,479 I take two away, so they come back to me. I take two away, so they come back to me.
316 00:18:25,480 00:18:28,479 I put that four billion straight through to the Treasury. I put that four billion straight through to the Treasury.
317 00:18:28,480 00:18:29,959 We're left with the one. We're left with the one.
318 00:18:29,960 00:18:32,960 That's a two billion pound figure which we spread across the money-saving departments. That's a two billion pound figure which we spread across the money-saving departments.
319 00:18:34,400 00:18:37,400 That means it's good news for Number Ten, for the Treasury and for Hugh Abbot. That means it's good news for Number Ten, for the Treasury and for Hugh Abbot.
320 00:18:39,360 00:18:41,399 So, that's where we are. I will... So, that's where we are. I will...
321 00:18:41,400 00:18:44,400 - I shall leave that with you. - Interesting thought. - I shall leave that with you. - Interesting thought.
322 00:18:44,600 00:18:47,600 Within a few sort of... Within a few sort of...
323 00:18:47,880 00:18:50,479 I guess...months, I guess...months,
324 00:18:50,480 00:18:53,159 we'll have something concrete to put to you. we'll have something concrete to put to you.
325 00:18:53,160 00:18:55,199 - See you later. - Bye. - See you later. - Bye.
326 00:18:55,200 00:18:58,159 - Erm...yes. - Where were we? - Erm...yes. - Where were we?
327 00:18:58,160 00:19:01,160 He really is... This is dangerous. He is actually unhinged. He really is... This is dangerous. He is actually unhinged.
328 00:19:01,720 00:19:03,679 He's just relatively harmless. He's... He's just relatively harmless. He's...
329 00:19:03,680 00:19:06,680 No, he's not harmless, because this job's my livelihood. No, he's not harmless, because this job's my livelihood.
330 00:19:07,680 00:19:10,680 My children's shoes depend now on having a madman suggest, you know... My children's shoes depend now on having a madman suggest, you know...
331 00:19:14,760 00:19:17,159 Do your children need two shoes each? Do your children need two shoes each?
332 00:19:17,160 00:19:20,160 He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I'll tell you that. He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I'll tell you that.
333 00:19:21,320 00:19:24,320 That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.
334 00:19:24,760 00:19:26,399 Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a bitch. Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a bitch.
335 00:19:26,400 00:19:28,319 No offence, Robyn. No offence, Robyn.
336 00:19:28,320 00:19:30,479 How about the 8:30? How did that go? How about the 8:30? How did that go?
337 00:19:30,480 00:19:33,480 - Very quick. It was in and out. - Did you quiz him about the reshuffle? - Very quick. It was in and out. - Did you quiz him about the reshuffle?
338 00:19:35,160 00:19:36,759 I didn't get a chance. I didn't get a chance.
339 00:19:36,760 00:19:39,760 - I did ask you specifically to do that. - Hugh, entirely my fault. - I did ask you specifically to do that. - Hugh, entirely my fault.
340 00:19:40,800 00:19:43,800 Robyn, give me a print-out and let me have a look at it. Robyn, give me a print-out and let me have a look at it.
341 00:19:44,080 00:19:47,080 Question Time's up the Swanee. What the fuck do you have to do to get on TV? Question Time's up the Swanee. What the fuck do you have to do to get on TV?
342 00:19:47,840 00:19:50,840 Have sex with a pig? Soil yourself? I don't know the minimum requirements. Have sex with a pig? Soil yourself? I don't know the minimum requirements.
343 00:19:51,680 00:19:54,680 - Terri, Terri, hi, how's it going? - He's gone, Hugh. - Terri, Terri, hi, how's it going? - He's gone, Hugh.
344 00:19:55,120 00:19:57,079 Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
345 00:19:57,080 00:20:00,080 Oh, I am so sorry, Terri. I really am. Oh, I am so sorry, Terri. I really am.
346 00:20:02,960 00:20:05,960 That's... That's really... That's just... Blimey. That's... That's really... That's just... Blimey.
347 00:20:07,280 00:20:10,280 OK? Are you OK now? OK? Are you OK now?
348 00:20:11,280 00:20:12,959 (Shuffling papers) (Shuffling papers)
349 00:20:12,960 00:20:15,960 (Sobbing) (Sobbing)
350 00:20:16,360 00:20:18,479 Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yep.
351 00:20:18,480 00:20:21,480 Listen. What I was calling about, we'll forget about that. Listen. What I was calling about, we'll forget about that.
352 00:20:21,600 00:20:24,079 - There's no need to talk about that now. - OK. - There's no need to talk about that now. - OK.
353 00:20:24,080 00:20:27,079 Right. Question Time's bitten the dust, Right. Question Time's bitten the dust,
354 00:20:27,080 00:20:30,080 and I was going to ask you ifyou could ring some ofyour broadsheet contacts and I was going to ask you ifyou could ring some ofyour broadsheet contacts
355 00:20:31,040 00:20:34,040 and make absolutely sure that they're all coming to my party tonight. and make absolutely sure that they're all coming to my party tonight.
356 00:20:35,400 00:20:38,400 I just wanted to take the opportunity ofsaying I really am sorry I just wanted to take the opportunity ofsaying I really am sorry
357 00:20:39,160 00:20:41,439 that it got awkward with Hugh. that it got awkward with Hugh.
358 00:20:41,440 00:20:44,440 - I don't like lying to the minister. I don't. - I do understand, all this sneaking about. - I don't like lying to the minister. I don't. - I do understand, all this sneaking about.
359 00:20:48,000 00:20:51,000 It'll make people think we're having an affair. Or something. It'll make people think we're having an affair. Or something.
360 00:20:52,440 00:20:55,440 - You're joking? - Well... - You're joking? - Well...
361 00:20:55,920 00:20:58,920 - They don't think we're having an affair? - No, no, no. - They don't think we're having an affair? - No, no, no.
362 00:20:59,920 00:21:01,679 God! God!
363 00:21:01,680 00:21:02,719 (Sigh) (Sigh)
364 00:21:02,720 00:21:05,720 - It's a grave matter, isn't it? - Not a good day to bury bad news. - It's a grave matter, isn't it? - Not a good day to bury bad news.
365 00:21:06,120 00:21:08,799 - (Sniggering) No, minister, it's not. - Oh, fuck! - (Sniggering) No, minister, it's not. - Oh, fuck!
366 00:21:08,800 00:21:11,279 - Julius, what a surprise! - What a surprise. - Julius, what a surprise! - What a surprise.
367 00:21:11,280 00:21:14,280 Thank goodness you didn't stumble on us burning a load ofmoney on a bonfire. Thank goodness you didn't stumble on us burning a load ofmoney on a bonfire.
368 00:21:15,920 00:21:18,519 Well done on the chat we had this morning. Well done on the chat we had this morning.
369 00:21:18,520 00:21:21,479 The AIU are going to produce a paper in the next 10 to 12 days. The AIU are going to produce a paper in the next 10 to 12 days.
370 00:21:21,480 00:21:24,480 - So raise yourselves a glass. Happi-ness. - Brilliant. - So raise yourselves a glass. Happi-ness. - Brilliant.
371 00:21:26,440 00:21:29,440 Right, well, I'll see you at this Treasury bash, I suppose. Right, well, I'll see you at this Treasury bash, I suppose.
372 00:21:29,800 00:21:32,800 - What? - The Treasury bash. Horseguards Parade. - What? - The Treasury bash. Horseguards Parade.
373 00:21:32,840 00:21:35,840 It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary ofState. He's unexpectedly coming over. It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary ofState. He's unexpectedly coming over.
374 00:21:37,480 00:21:40,319 The Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. The Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening.
375 00:21:40,320 00:21:43,039 Don't tell me you've not been invited. Don't tell me you've not been invited.
376 00:21:43,040 00:21:46,040 Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myselftonight. Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myselftonight.
377 00:21:47,840 00:21:50,840 So you...you've got your own bash here? So you...you've got your own bash here?
378 00:21:51,320 00:21:52,839 - Uh...yeah. - Yeah. - Uh...yeah. - Yeah.
379 00:21:52,840 00:21:55,679 Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on. Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on.
380 00:21:55,680 00:21:58,680 We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury? We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?
381 00:21:59,120 00:22:02,120 Yes. It sounds complicated but I like to maximise my face. Yes. It sounds complicated but I like to maximise my face.
382 00:22:04,080 00:22:06,159 OK, well, how many have you invited? OK, well, how many have you invited?
383 00:22:06,160 00:22:09,160 Erm... All in, I think we've invited about 150 people. Erm... All in, I think we've invited about 150 people.
384 00:22:10,000 00:22:13,000 - How many replies have you had? - About, I'd say, maybe halfa side ofA4. - How many replies have you had? - About, I'd say, maybe halfa side ofA4.
385 00:22:14,360 00:22:17,079 Figures, figures, figures. Figures, figures, figures.
386 00:22:17,080 00:22:18,359 - 12? - 12? - 12? - 12?
387 00:22:18,360 00:22:21,360 We're expecting to do quite a lot ofbusiness on the door. We're expecting to do quite a lot ofbusiness on the door.
388 00:22:21,440 00:22:23,359 I bet you're feeling a bit argh! I bet you're feeling a bit argh!
389 00:22:23,360 00:22:26,360 No, no, I'm pretty relaxed about it. I'm feeling sort ofhmm... No, no, I'm pretty relaxed about it. I'm feeling sort ofhmm...
390 00:22:30,080 00:22:33,080 - Well, it's quite a healthy turnout. - Healthy turnout? - Well, it's quite a healthy turnout. - Healthy turnout?
391 00:22:33,440 00:22:35,159 This is an ill turnout! This is an ill turnout!
392 00:22:35,160 00:22:38,160 I don't recognise any ofthese people: this kebab shop owner, I don't recognise any ofthese people: this kebab shop owner,
393 00:22:38,560 00:22:40,719 some child like a butcher's apprentice, some child like a butcher's apprentice,
394 00:22:40,720 00:22:43,720 and who's she, this Myra Hindley woman? and who's she, this Myra Hindley woman?
395 00:22:44,240 00:22:45,879 Look, will you stop whingeing? Look, will you stop whingeing?
396 00:22:45,880 00:22:48,880 When this Prime Minister and Imelda fucking Marcos have gone, When this Prime Minister and Imelda fucking Marcos have gone,
397 00:22:49,120 00:22:52,119 some ofthese hacks will cease to be pond life. some ofthese hacks will cease to be pond life.
398 00:22:52,120 00:22:54,999 Just go in and ingratiate yourself, all right? Just go in and ingratiate yourself, all right?
399 00:22:55,000 00:22:58,000 Anorak. The PM told Geoffto get a life, but he's waiting for the Treasury to clear it. Anorak. The PM told Geoffto get a life, but he's waiting for the Treasury to clear it.
400 00:23:01,240 00:23:02,879 Ka-tsss! Ka-tsss!
401 00:23:02,880 00:23:05,880 AndJulius Nicholson says, ''I'm sorry, but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.'' AndJulius Nicholson says, ''I'm sorry, but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.''
402 00:23:09,440 00:23:12,440 And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup.
403 00:23:12,680 00:23:15,119 Anyway, have a lovely time. Anyway, have a lovely time.
404 00:23:15,120 00:23:17,959 A fiver ifyou set offthe sprinklers. A fiver ifyou set offthe sprinklers.
405 00:23:17,960 00:23:20,960 Put Hugh in a room ofpeople, he just clicks. Sounds like West Side Story. Put Hugh in a room ofpeople, he just clicks. Sounds like West Side Story.
406 00:23:22,440 00:23:23,639 (Clicking fingers) (Clicking fingers)
407 00:23:23,640 00:23:26,039 - So who do you work for? - Online Telegraph. - So who do you work for? - Online Telegraph.
408 00:23:26,040 00:23:29,040 I update the subscription-only pages on the website. I update the subscription-only pages on the website.
409 00:23:30,200 00:23:33,200 - It's a bit dull, really. - I'm sorry, who are you? - It's a bit dull, really. - I'm sorry, who are you?
410 00:23:33,720 00:23:36,479 I'm not a journalist. I'm just one ofOlly's mates. I'm not a journalist. I'm just one ofOlly's mates.
411 00:23:36,480 00:23:39,480 - Right. - Erm... - Right. - Erm...
412 00:23:40,080 00:23:41,839 Angela, hello. Angela, hello.
413 00:23:41,840 00:23:44,840 - Very nice to see you. Thanks for coming. - So, what about the demotion? - Very nice to see you. Thanks for coming. - So, what about the demotion?
414 00:23:45,720 00:23:47,639 Sorry, what demotion is that? Sorry, what demotion is that?
415 00:23:47,640 00:23:50,640 Everyone knows that you're not sending anyone to Tucker's 8:30s any more. Everyone knows that you're not sending anyone to Tucker's 8:30s any more.
416 00:23:53,120 00:23:56,120 Sorry, you're saying that we're not sending anyone to the 8:30s any more? Sorry, you're saying that we're not sending anyone to the 8:30s any more?
417 00:23:58,320 00:24:00,479 Yes. That's what I'm saying. Yes. That's what I'm saying.
418 00:24:00,480 00:24:03,480 Yes, yes, we... Yes, yes, we...
419 00:24:03,760 00:24:06,760 Glenn, the 8:30s? Glenn, the 8:30s?
420 00:24:07,320 00:24:10,320 Well, just because erm... Well, just because erm...
421 00:24:10,680 00:24:13,680 we're not going...to the 8:30s any more, we're not going...to the 8:30s any more,
422 00:24:14,520 00:24:17,520 doesn't mean to say it isn't normal interdepartmental practice. doesn't mean to say it isn't normal interdepartmental practice.
423 00:24:19,960 00:24:22,959 There just isn't enough room to get everybody there, There just isn't enough room to get everybody there,
424 00:24:22,960 00:24:25,960 and it has to occur on a rotational basis. and it has to occur on a rotational basis.
425 00:24:27,440 00:24:30,440 - Are you getting all this? - Yes, thanks. It'll be on the website. - Are you getting all this? - Yes, thanks. It'll be on the website.
426 00:24:32,000 00:24:35,000 Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me. Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me.
427 00:24:36,400 00:24:39,400 - I was swinging like a colostomy bag. - Oh, Hugh, grow up. - I was swinging like a colostomy bag. - Oh, Hugh, grow up.
428 00:24:39,960 00:24:42,960 Stuffhappens in this department every day. I can't tell you everything. Stuffhappens in this department every day. I can't tell you everything.
429 00:24:44,280 00:24:47,280 Since when, Glenn, does the Secretary ofState for Social Affairs Since when, Glenn, does the Secretary ofState for Social Affairs
430 00:24:48,240 00:24:50,759 have to find out from the fucking press have to find out from the fucking press
431 00:24:50,760 00:24:53,760 that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man? that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
432 00:24:55,400 00:24:58,400 - Oh, yes... - Good night. Thanks for coming. - Oh, yes... - Good night. Thanks for coming.
433 00:24:59,440 00:25:02,440 Right, guys. Thanks very much for staying on. Right, guys. Thanks very much for staying on.
434 00:25:05,600 00:25:07,759 - Julius Nicholson, right? - Yep. - Julius Nicholson, right? - Yep.
435 00:25:07,760 00:25:10,760 Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru?
436 00:25:11,480 00:25:13,999 - Dog rapist? - Quite possibly. - Dog rapist? - Quite possibly.
437 00:25:14,000 00:25:15,959 He's being a nuisance to me. He's being a nuisance to me.
438 00:25:15,960 00:25:18,960 He also has got plans to squeeze your department so hard He also has got plans to squeeze your department so hard
439 00:25:20,000 00:25:23,000 you'll be lucky ifyou're left with one bollock between the three ofyou. you'll be lucky ifyou're left with one bollock between the three ofyou.
440 00:25:23,640 00:25:25,839 So all I am doing here So all I am doing here
441 00:25:25,840 00:25:28,039 is asking you formally is asking you formally
442 00:25:28,040 00:25:31,040 ifyou will join me in a little bit ofa circle jerk. ifyou will join me in a little bit ofa circle jerk.
443 00:25:33,240 00:25:36,240 - Circle jerk? What...? - A lot ofguys in a circle all...you know. - Circle jerk? What...? - A lot ofguys in a circle all...you know.
444 00:25:37,800 00:25:40,800 Well, I assume you don't mean literally. Do you? Presumably? Well, I assume you don't mean literally. Do you? Presumably?
445 00:25:41,080 00:25:44,080 Tony Mack in the lobby, you know him, right? Call him. Now. Tony Mack in the lobby, you know him, right? Call him. Now.
446 00:25:44,200 00:25:47,200 Tell him that you're getting it that Nicholson is going to get Foreign Sec in the reshuffle. Tell him that you're getting it that Nicholson is going to get Foreign Sec in the reshuffle.
447 00:25:49,080 00:25:52,080 Tony, hi. How's it dangling? Yeah? Tony, hi. How's it dangling? Yeah?
448 00:25:52,200 00:25:55,200 I want to run something past you. I wonder ifyou're hearing what I've been hearing, I want to run something past you. I wonder ifyou're hearing what I've been hearing,
449 00:25:56,680 00:25:59,680 that Nicholson's going to be getting Foreign Sec? that Nicholson's going to be getting Foreign Sec?
450 00:25:59,760 00:26:02,760 Hugh, who is your top mate in the Commentariat? Hugh, who is your top mate in the Commentariat?
451 00:26:02,920 00:26:04,799 - Colin Sykes. - Colin Sykes? - Colin Sykes. - Colin Sykes?
452 00:26:04,800 00:26:07,159 - That's your top mate? - Yeah. - That's your top mate? - Yeah.
453 00:26:07,160 00:26:10,160 - Call him up. - Hi, Colin, yes, it's Hugh Abbot. How are you? - Call him up. - Hi, Colin, yes, it's Hugh Abbot. How are you?
454 00:26:11,640 00:26:14,199 Got a decent backhand yet, have you? Got a decent backhand yet, have you?
455 00:26:14,200 00:26:17,200 Hugh. Hugh Abbot. We played tennis together. Yeah. Yeah! Hugh. Hugh Abbot. We played tennis together. Yeah. Yeah!
456 00:26:18,840 00:26:21,840 Probably bollocks, but that's what we thought whenJim was up for Home Secretary. Probably bollocks, but that's what we thought whenJim was up for Home Secretary.
457 00:26:22,880 00:26:25,880 Next thing, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken the sacraments. Next thing, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken the sacraments.
458 00:26:26,960 00:26:29,599 Foreign Secretary is exactly where he should be. Foreign Secretary is exactly where he should be.
459 00:26:29,600 00:26:31,999 - He's a smart guy. - (Mobile ringing) - He's a smart guy. - (Mobile ringing)
460 00:26:32,000 00:26:35,000 Cath. Yeah, Cath, I don't know where that's come from. Cath. Yeah, Cath, I don't know where that's come from.
461 00:26:35,440 00:26:38,440 - At one point, I called him a dog rapist. - Stonewall them! - At one point, I called him a dog rapist. - Stonewall them!
462 00:26:39,520 00:26:41,279 I'll talk to the boss, right? I'll talk to the boss, right?
463 00:26:41,280 00:26:44,280 And now I'm going to phone the prime minister ofGreat Britain. And now I'm going to phone the prime minister ofGreat Britain.
464 00:26:45,000 00:26:48,000 All right, boss? I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we're getting hit on the blind side down here. All right, boss? I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we're getting hit on the blind side down here.
465 00:26:50,280 00:26:53,280 Julius Nicholson. Our phones are white hot. Stuffabout him becoming Foreign Sec. Julius Nicholson. Our phones are white hot. Stuffabout him becoming Foreign Sec.
466 00:26:56,480 00:26:58,679 Is that...? Am I out ofthe loop here? Is that...? Am I out ofthe loop here?
467 00:26:58,680 00:27:01,680 The person that's most likely to be getting his mates to put this around is Julius Nicholson. The person that's most likely to be getting his mates to put this around is Julius Nicholson.
468 00:27:06,400 00:27:09,400 You put so much hope in them. They always let you down. You put so much hope in them. They always let you down.
469 00:27:09,600 00:27:12,600 I think maybe Julius needs to have his wings clipped a bit, you know. I think maybe Julius needs to have his wings clipped a bit, you know.
470 00:27:14,920 00:27:17,479 Do you want to do it? Do you want to do it?
471 00:27:17,480 00:27:20,480 I think you're right. I think it's better that I just have a little chat. I think you're right. I think it's better that I just have a little chat.
472 00:27:21,320 00:27:24,320 I'll see you in the morning. Night. I'll see you in the morning. Night.
473 00:27:25,440 00:27:27,399 Fucking brilliant. Fucking brilliant.
474 00:27:27,400 00:27:29,679 Eight missed messages. Eight missed messages.
475 00:27:29,680 00:27:32,079 Sleep lightly. Sleep lightly.
476 00:27:32,080 00:27:35,080 - He's incredible. - Colin Sykes didn't know who I was. - He's incredible. - Colin Sykes didn't know who I was.
477 00:27:35,400 00:27:38,400 - I don't know who Colin Sykes is. - Swings and roundabouts. - I don't know who Colin Sykes is. - Swings and roundabouts.
478 00:27:40,040 00:27:43,040 - Who am I? - We'll find out tomorrow, won't we? - Who am I? - We'll find out tomorrow, won't we?
479 00:27:44,480 00:27:47,480 Morning, morning, morning. What's the story in Bala-fucking-mory? Morning, morning, morning. What's the story in Bala-fucking-mory?
480 00:27:48,000 00:27:49,039 Reshuffle. Reshuffle.
481 00:27:49,040 00:27:52,040 You win a year's supply ofcondoms. Which in your case is four. You win a year's supply ofcondoms. Which in your case is four.
482 00:27:52,440 00:27:53,839 Anything? Anything?
483 00:27:53,840 00:27:56,840 Fatty's just been in. He just managed to squeeze past the policeman. Fatty's just been in. He just managed to squeeze past the policeman.
484 00:27:57,720 00:27:59,679 Ifyou were promoted, good for you. Ifyou were promoted, good for you.
485 00:27:59,680 00:28:02,039 Ifit was a relegation, hard cheese. Ifit was a relegation, hard cheese.
486 00:28:02,040 00:28:05,040 Ifhe dumps me, I'm going to find that wife ofhis. Ifhe dumps me, I'm going to find that wife ofhis.
487 00:28:05,200 00:28:08,200 I'll click her right through the fucking head. Boom! I'll click her right through the fucking head. Boom!
488 00:28:08,960 00:28:09,999 (Phone ringing) (Phone ringing)
489 00:28:10,000 00:28:12,279 How do you like this jib, darling? Bang! How do you like this jib, darling? Bang!
490 00:28:12,280 00:28:15,280 - That noise is the phone. - I know. I'm in denial. - That noise is the phone. - I know. I'm in denial.
491 00:28:15,520 00:28:18,520 But ifyou don't know whether or not you were promoted, you were fucking relegated. But ifyou don't know whether or not you were promoted, you were fucking relegated.
492 00:28:20,640 00:28:22,999 Great. OK, bye-bye. Great. OK, bye-bye.
493 00:28:23,000 00:28:25,759 He wants me to go in. I just hope it isn't farmers. He wants me to go in. I just hope it isn't farmers.
494 00:28:25,760 00:28:28,759 I don't want to have to pretend to be nice to farmers. I don't want to have to pretend to be nice to farmers.
495 00:28:28,760 00:28:31,199 - Knock it out the park. - Yeah. Good luck. - Knock it out the park. - Yeah. Good luck.
496 00:28:31,200 00:28:32,799 Welcome back to Robyn Welcome back to Robyn
497 00:28:32,800 00:28:35,800 from the all-new, totally revamped Department ofSocial Affairs and Citizenship. from the all-new, totally revamped Department ofSocial Affairs and Citizenship.
498 00:28:40,400 00:28:43,400 I've got no fucking idea what that means, but it spells SAC! I've got no fucking idea what that means, but it spells SAC!
499 00:28:43,480 00:28:46,480 Thank you. Thank you very much. No autographs, please. Thank you. Thank you very much. No autographs, please.
500 00:28:47,280 00:28:50,280 (Malcolm) SAC are being turfed out oftheir tatty old building, (Malcolm) SAC are being turfed out oftheir tatty old building,
501 00:28:50,920 00:28:53,920 to be replaced by Julius Nicholson and his Advanced Implementation Unit. to be replaced by Julius Nicholson and his Advanced Implementation Unit.
502 00:28:55,240 00:28:58,240 On to the broadcast schedule for today. Colin did Today, which was lovely. On to the broadcast schedule for today. Colin did Today, which was lovely.
503 00:28:59,240 00:29:02,240 Sweet FA for The World At One, please, as usual. Sweet FA for The World At One, please, as usual.
504 00:29:02,520 00:29:05,439 You know the lines. Most women ever. You know the lines. Most women ever.