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1 | 00:00:43,561 | 00:00:45,838 | These two apiarists were talking to one another, | These two apiarists were talking to one another, |
2 | 00:00:45,938 | 00:00:47,381 | and one bloke said to the other, he said, | and one bloke said to the other, he said, |
3 | 00:00:47,481 | 00:00:49,342 | "How's your bee business going?" | "How's your bee business going?" |
4 | 00:00:49,442 | 00:00:52,094 | And he said, "Oh, yeah, it's going on quite nicely." | And he said, "Oh, yeah, it's going on quite nicely." |
5 | 00:00:52,194 | 00:00:53,262 | And the other fella said, | And the other fella said, |
6 | 00:00:53,362 | 00:00:54,805 | "How many bees do you reckon you'd have?" | "How many bees do you reckon you'd have?" |
7 | 00:00:54,905 | 00:00:58,475 | And he said, "Oh, roughly 250,000, 300,000." | And he said, "Oh, roughly 250,000, 300,000." |
8 | 00:00:58,575 | 00:00:59,977 | He said, "Oh, that's a good number." | He said, "Oh, that's a good number." |
9 | 00:01:00,077 | 00:01:01,311 | He said, "What about the hives?" | He said, "What about the hives?" |
10 | 00:01:01,411 | 00:01:02,813 | He said, "Well, I've just put in another one," | He said, "Well, I've just put in another one," |
11 | 00:01:02,913 | 00:01:04,523 | he said, "so that makes it seven." | he said, "so that makes it seven." |
12 | 00:01:04,623 | 00:01:05,691 | He said, "Oh, that's great." | He said, "Oh, that's great." |
13 | 00:01:05,791 | 00:01:07,067 | The other fella said, "What about you?" | The other fella said, "What about you?" |
14 | 00:01:07,167 | 00:01:08,652 | And he said, "Well, as you know," he said, | And he said, "Well, as you know," he said, |
15 | 00:01:08,752 | 00:01:10,320 | "I've been doing it for a long time, | "I've been doing it for a long time, |
16 | 00:01:10,420 | 00:01:12,197 | "and Dad was an apiarist before me." | "and Dad was an apiarist before me." |
17 | 00:01:12,297 | 00:01:14,241 | And he said, "At the last count, | And he said, "At the last count, |
18 | 00:01:14,341 | 00:01:17,577 | "I reckon I've got about 2.5 million to 3 million bees." | "I reckon I've got about 2.5 million to 3 million bees." |
19 | 00:01:17,677 | 00:01:19,329 | He said, "3 million?!" the other bloke said, | He said, "3 million?!" the other bloke said, |
20 | 00:01:19,429 | 00:01:20,371 | and he said, "Yeah." | and he said, "Yeah." |
21 | 00:01:20,471 | 00:01:21,956 | He said, "How many hives you got?" | He said, "How many hives you got?" |
22 | 00:01:22,056 | 00:01:23,374 | He said, "Oh, just the one." | He said, "Oh, just the one." |
23 | 00:01:23,474 | 00:01:25,960 | He said, "3 million bees and just the one hive?" | He said, "3 million bees and just the one hive?" |
24 | 00:01:26,060 | 00:01:27,337 | He said, "Yeah. Yeah. | He said, "Yeah. Yeah. |
25 | 00:01:27,437 | 00:01:29,522 | "Fuck 'em." | "Fuck 'em." |
26 | 00:01:44,620 | 00:01:46,897 | Now, what's this party all about anyhow, son? | Now, what's this party all about anyhow, son? |
27 | 00:01:46,997 | 00:01:49,024 | Oh, it's just a party, Dad. | Oh, it's just a party, Dad. |
28 | 00:01:49,124 | 00:01:51,443 | Yeah, I'm told they're gonna bring some jokes along. | Yeah, I'm told they're gonna bring some jokes along. |
29 | 00:01:51,543 | 00:01:52,861 | Is that right? | Is that right? |
30 | 00:01:52,961 | 00:01:54,529 | Yeah, that's right. | Yeah, that's right. |
31 | 00:01:54,629 | 00:01:56,715 | Yeah, well, I've got a couple of jokes. | Yeah, well, I've got a couple of jokes. |
32 | 00:01:57,549 | 00:01:59,200 | Yeah, I know you do, Dad. | Yeah, I know you do, Dad. |
33 | 00:01:59,300 | 00:02:02,370 | Yeah. There's this bloke and his missus and 14 kids, | Yeah. There's this bloke and his missus and 14 kids, |
34 | 00:02:02,470 | 00:02:03,788 | and they're standing at a bus stop. | and they're standing at a bus stop. |
35 | 00:02:03,888 | 00:02:05,707 | They've got a blind bloke with them. | They've got a blind bloke with them. |
36 | 00:02:05,807 | 00:02:08,293 | The bus pulls up and the 14 kids get on | The bus pulls up and the 14 kids get on |
37 | 00:02:08,393 | 00:02:10,837 | and the woman gets on and the husband goes to get on | and the woman gets on and the husband goes to get on |
38 | 00:02:10,937 | 00:02:12,505 | and the bus driver said, "Hey. Whoa. Stop. | and the bus driver said, "Hey. Whoa. Stop. |
39 | 00:02:12,605 | 00:02:14,674 | "Too many on the bus. You're gonna have to walk." | "Too many on the bus. You're gonna have to walk." |
40 | 00:02:14,774 | 00:02:17,051 | So he's left with the blind bloke. | So he's left with the blind bloke. |
41 | 00:02:17,151 | 00:02:18,678 | And the blind bloke said, | And the blind bloke said, |
42 | 00:02:18,778 | 00:02:20,096 | "Do you mind if I walk with you, mate?" | "Do you mind if I walk with you, mate?" |
43 | 00:02:20,196 | 00:02:21,889 | And he said, "Oh, no. Nothing else can go right. | And he said, "Oh, no. Nothing else can go right. |
44 | 00:02:21,989 | 00:02:23,057 | "You may as well walk with me." | "You may as well walk with me." |
45 | 00:02:23,157 | 00:02:24,558 | And as the blind bloke's going along, | And as the blind bloke's going along, |
46 | 00:02:24,658 | 00:02:26,977 | he's tapping the ground with his cane, and the fella said, | he's tapping the ground with his cane, and the fella said, |
47 | 00:02:27,077 | 00:02:28,729 | "Must you tap that bloody thing on the ground? | "Must you tap that bloody thing on the ground? |
48 | 00:02:28,829 | 00:02:30,105 | "It's driving me mad." | "It's driving me mad." |
49 | 00:02:30,205 | 00:02:31,899 | And he said, "Well, I'm a blind man. | And he said, "Well, I'm a blind man. |
50 | 00:02:31,999 | 00:02:33,567 | "It's the way I find my way along." | "It's the way I find my way along." |
51 | 00:02:33,667 | 00:02:35,027 | And he said, "Well, yeah. | And he said, "Well, yeah. |
52 | 00:02:35,127 | 00:02:36,528 | "Couldn't you put some rubber on your stick?" | "Couldn't you put some rubber on your stick?" |
53 | 00:02:36,628 | 00:02:37,654 | The blind man said, | The blind man said, |
54 | 00:02:37,754 | 00:02:39,114 | "If you'd have put some rubber on YOUR stick, | "If you'd have put some rubber on YOUR stick, |
55 | 00:02:39,214 | 00:02:41,299 | "we'd have both got on the fuckin' bus." | "we'd have both got on the fuckin' bus." |
56 | 00:02:47,472 | 00:02:49,123 | Remember the first limerick you told me, | Remember the first limerick you told me, |
57 | 00:02:49,223 | 00:02:50,458 | when I was about eight? | when I was about eight? |
58 | 00:02:50,558 | 00:02:54,587 | "Mary had a little dress with a slit right up one side. | "Mary had a little dress with a slit right up one side. |
59 | 00:02:54,687 | 00:02:57,924 | "Every time she bent over, the boys could see her thighs. | "Every time she bent over, the boys could see her thighs. |
60 | 00:02:58,024 | 00:03:00,818 | "Mary had another dress, with a slit right up the front. | "Mary had another dress, with a slit right up the front. |
61 | 00:03:02,570 | 00:03:04,655 | "She didn't wear that much." | "She didn't wear that much." |
62 | 00:03:06,865 | 00:03:08,951 | You weren't eight. | You weren't eight. |
63 | 00:03:09,660 | 00:03:11,745 | He was fuckin' seven. | He was fuckin' seven. |
64 | 00:03:14,748 | 00:03:18,527 | So, the invite said don't bring food and don't bring booze - | So, the invite said don't bring food and don't bring booze - |
65 | 00:03:18,627 | 00:03:21,613 | just bring your three favourite jokes. | just bring your three favourite jokes. |
66 | 00:03:21,713 | 00:03:23,573 | So, did you hear the one about | So, did you hear the one about |
67 | 00:03:23,673 | 00:03:25,492 | the, um...the three lesbian hitchhikers | the, um...the three lesbian hitchhikers |
68 | 00:03:25,592 | 00:03:26,785 | walk into a Shane Jacobson party? | walk into a Shane Jacobson party? |
69 | 00:03:26,885 | 00:03:28,970 | What?! | What?! |
70 | 00:03:30,096 | 00:03:31,873 | I'm looking forward to this. Thanks for the lift, darling. | I'm looking forward to this. Thanks for the lift, darling. |
71 | 00:03:31,973 | 00:03:33,208 | Yeah. | Yeah. |
72 | 00:03:33,308 | 00:03:35,543 | This is like Driving Miss Daisy. | This is like Driving Miss Daisy. |
73 | 00:03:37,019 | 00:03:39,797 | Are you, um...have you got a gag worked out? | Are you, um...have you got a gag worked out? |
74 | 00:03:39,897 | 00:03:41,883 | I'm nervous about telling it. | I'm nervous about telling it. |
75 | 00:03:41,983 | 00:03:44,068 | - Can I try it out on you? - Yep. | - Can I try it out on you? - Yep. |
76 | 00:03:46,946 | 00:03:50,199 | Hey, we're not far. We're looking for Clarkefield. | Hey, we're not far. We're looking for Clarkefield. |
77 | 00:03:51,575 | 00:03:53,185 | I wanna beat you this time. | I wanna beat you this time. |
78 | 00:03:53,285 | 00:03:54,853 | Well, you got your bike licence? | Well, you got your bike licence? |
79 | 00:03:54,953 | 00:03:57,039 | No. | No. |
80 | 00:04:00,459 | 00:04:01,526 | Hey, Craigs. How are you, mate? | Hey, Craigs. How are you, mate? |
81 | 00:04:01,626 | 00:04:02,736 | Jaco. How are you, brother? | Jaco. How are you, brother? |
82 | 00:04:02,836 | 00:04:04,988 | - Good, mate. Yourself? - Bloody well. | - Good, mate. Yourself? - Bloody well. |
83 | 00:04:06,548 | 00:04:07,991 | Might need a bit more than that. | Might need a bit more than that. |
84 | 00:04:08,091 | 00:04:09,951 | - Come on, mate. I also brought the ute. | - Come on, mate. I also brought the ute. |
85 | 00:04:10,051 | 00:04:12,137 | Ute? | Ute? |
86 | 00:04:19,894 | 00:04:21,979 | Yeah, I reckon that should do it. | Yeah, I reckon that should do it. |
87 | 00:04:23,731 | 00:04:26,259 | Newly married couple just home from their honeymoon. | Newly married couple just home from their honeymoon. |
88 | 00:04:26,359 | 00:04:27,551 | Yeah? | Yeah? |
89 | 00:04:27,651 | 00:04:28,886 | First time in their marital home together, | First time in their marital home together, |
90 | 00:04:28,986 | 00:04:31,514 | and he goes up to the bathroom, | and he goes up to the bathroom, |
91 | 00:04:31,614 | 00:04:33,057 | and he comes down and he says, | and he comes down and he says, |
92 | 00:04:33,157 | 00:04:35,768 | "There's a dead horse in the bath." | "There's a dead horse in the bath." |
93 | 00:04:35,868 | 00:04:39,062 | And she says, "Well, I never said I was neat." | And she says, "Well, I never said I was neat." |
94 | 00:04:42,916 | 00:04:44,151 | A pie walks into a bar. | A pie walks into a bar. |
95 | 00:04:44,251 | 00:04:45,944 | - A pie? - A pie. | - A pie? - A pie. |
96 | 00:04:46,044 | 00:04:49,030 | Well, see, that doesn't make sense. A pie wouldn't walk. | Well, see, that doesn't make sense. A pie wouldn't walk. |
97 | 00:04:49,130 | 00:04:50,198 | I've got a joke for you. | I've got a joke for you. |
98 | 00:04:50,298 | 00:04:51,241 | - You wanna hear it? - Yes. | - You wanna hear it? - Yes. |
99 | 00:04:51,341 | 00:04:52,784 | This guy goes to a supermarket, right, | This guy goes to a supermarket, right, |
100 | 00:04:52,884 | 00:04:54,369 | and he gets up to the checkout line. | and he gets up to the checkout line. |
101 | 00:04:54,469 | 00:04:57,455 | Gets a half a loaf of bread, half a pint of milk | Gets a half a loaf of bread, half a pint of milk |
102 | 00:04:57,555 | 00:04:59,082 | and half a dozen eggs, | and half a dozen eggs, |
103 | 00:04:59,182 | 00:05:00,583 | and a Playboy magazine. | and a Playboy magazine. |
104 | 00:05:00,683 | 00:05:01,793 | And the checkout chick goes, | And the checkout chick goes, |
105 | 00:05:01,893 | 00:05:03,086 | "Hey, you're single, aren't you?" | "Hey, you're single, aren't you?" |
106 | 00:05:03,186 | 00:05:04,587 | And he goes, "Well, how did you know?" | And he goes, "Well, how did you know?" |
107 | 00:05:04,687 | 00:05:07,089 | She goes, "Well, you're pretty fuckin' ugly." | She goes, "Well, you're pretty fuckin' ugly." |
108 | 00:05:07,189 | 00:05:09,008 | A pie walks into a bar and the barman says, | A pie walks into a bar and the barman says, |
109 | 00:05:09,108 | 00:05:10,635 | "Sorry, we don't serve food here." | "Sorry, we don't serve food here." |
110 | 00:05:13,904 | 00:05:15,598 | So, there's this elderly couple. | So, there's this elderly couple. |
111 | 00:05:15,698 | 00:05:19,435 | They're driving home, and this cop pulls them over, see? | They're driving home, and this cop pulls them over, see? |
112 | 00:05:19,535 | 00:05:21,603 | Puts down his window, and goes around | Puts down his window, and goes around |
113 | 00:05:21,703 | 00:05:23,188 | and the cop says to the bloke, | and the cop says to the bloke, |
114 | 00:05:23,288 | 00:05:25,607 | "Were you aware that you're doing 80 in a 60 zone?" | "Were you aware that you're doing 80 in a 60 zone?" |
115 | 00:05:25,707 | 00:05:28,068 | And the wife says, "What'd he say?" | And the wife says, "What'd he say?" |
116 | 00:05:28,168 | 00:05:31,988 | He says, "He says I was doing 80 in a 60 zone." | He says, "He says I was doing 80 in a 60 zone." |
117 | 00:05:32,088 | 00:05:33,406 | Says, "Can I have your licence, please?" | Says, "Can I have your licence, please?" |
118 | 00:05:33,506 | 00:05:34,908 | "What did he say?" | "What did he say?" |
119 | 00:05:35,008 | 00:05:37,452 | He said, "He wants to see my licence." | He said, "He wants to see my licence." |
120 | 00:05:37,552 | 00:05:38,703 | So the cop looks at the licence | So the cop looks at the licence |
121 | 00:05:38,803 | 00:05:39,996 | and says, "Oh, you're from Ballarat. | and says, "Oh, you're from Ballarat. |
122 | 00:05:40,096 | 00:05:42,874 | He says, "Christ, I had the worst sex in my life | He says, "Christ, I had the worst sex in my life |
123 | 00:05:42,974 | 00:05:43,917 | "in Ballarat." | "in Ballarat." |
124 | 00:05:44,017 | 00:05:45,126 | She says, "What did he say?" | She says, "What did he say?" |
125 | 00:05:45,226 | 00:05:46,627 | He says, "He thinks he knows you." | He says, "He thinks he knows you." |
126 | 00:05:48,145 | 00:05:49,213 | Dad, did I tell you about | Dad, did I tell you about |
127 | 00:05:49,313 | 00:05:50,840 | the blonde girl that walks into a library | the blonde girl that walks into a library |
128 | 00:05:50,940 | 00:05:52,466 | and said, "Can I have a hamburger, please?" | and said, "Can I have a hamburger, please?" |
129 | 00:05:52,566 | 00:05:54,051 | He said, "Darling, this is a library." | He said, "Darling, this is a library." |
130 | 00:05:54,151 | 00:05:55,469 | She said, "Oh, I am sorry." | She said, "Oh, I am sorry." |
131 | 00:05:55,569 | 00:05:57,221 | "Can I have a hamburger, please?" | "Can I have a hamburger, please?" |
132 | 00:06:00,282 | 00:06:02,451 | Well, Dad, I reckon we're just about right to go. | Well, Dad, I reckon we're just about right to go. |
133 | 00:06:21,511 | 00:06:24,164 | ♪ Well, strap yourself in | ♪ Well, strap yourself in |
134 | 00:06:24,264 | 00:06:26,749 | ♪ Hang on for the ride | ♪ Hang on for the ride |
135 | 00:06:26,849 | 00:06:28,668 | ♪ Dirt's gonna fly | ♪ Dirt's gonna fly |
136 | 00:06:28,768 | 00:06:31,062 | ♪ And the ground's gonna shake tonight | ♪ And the ground's gonna shake tonight |
137 | 00:06:32,730 | 00:06:35,341 | ♪ Well, you don't have to look far | ♪ Well, you don't have to look far |
138 | 00:06:35,441 | 00:06:38,094 | ♪ 'Cause it's right here in your backyard | ♪ 'Cause it's right here in your backyard |
139 | 00:06:38,194 | 00:06:41,388 | ♪ There's a hundred tracks across our land | ♪ There's a hundred tracks across our land |
140 | 00:06:41,488 | 00:06:42,932 | ♪ They call home | ♪ They call home |
141 | 00:06:43,032 | 00:06:45,617 | ♪ This fearless band of dirt track | ♪ This fearless band of dirt track |
142 | 00:06:46,743 | 00:06:48,829 | ♪ Dirt track cowboys | ♪ Dirt track cowboys |
143 | 00:06:49,955 | 00:06:52,608 | ♪ Dirt track cowboys | ♪ Dirt track cowboys |
144 | 00:06:52,708 | 00:06:55,277 | ♪ Mudslinging outlaws | ♪ Mudslinging outlaws |
145 | 00:06:55,377 | 00:06:57,946 | ♪ This ain't no Hollywood star wars | ♪ This ain't no Hollywood star wars |
146 | 00:06:58,046 | 00:07:00,365 | ♪ It's the real deal, open wheel | ♪ It's the real deal, open wheel |
147 | 00:07:00,465 | 00:07:02,550 | ♪ Dirt track cowboys | ♪ Dirt track cowboys |
148 | 00:07:06,262 | 00:07:07,288 | ♪ Well... ♪ | ♪ Well... ♪ |
149 | 00:07:07,388 | 00:07:08,373 | - How are you, mate? - Good. | - How are you, mate? - Good. |
150 | 00:07:08,473 | 00:07:09,999 | Alright, well, I've got one for you. | Alright, well, I've got one for you. |
151 | 00:07:10,099 | 00:07:12,460 | There's three old blokes, having a drink in a pub, | There's three old blokes, having a drink in a pub, |
152 | 00:07:12,560 | 00:07:13,836 | which they do semi-regularly, | which they do semi-regularly, |
153 | 00:07:13,936 | 00:07:16,005 | and they're getting on a bit, and one of them said, | and they're getting on a bit, and one of them said, |
154 | 00:07:16,105 | 00:07:18,090 | "What do you reckon is the most dangerous thing | "What do you reckon is the most dangerous thing |
155 | 00:07:18,190 | 00:07:19,675 | "that ever happened in your life, Trev? | "that ever happened in your life, Trev? |
156 | 00:07:19,775 | 00:07:22,094 | "When was the moment you thought you were gonna die?" | "When was the moment you thought you were gonna die?" |
157 | 00:07:22,194 | 00:07:24,472 | And he said, "Oh," he said, "well, for me," | And he said, "Oh," he said, "well, for me," |
158 | 00:07:24,572 | 00:07:26,640 | he said, "as you know, I'm 90 now, and I feel blessed," | he said, "as you know, I'm 90 now, and I feel blessed," |
159 | 00:07:26,740 | 00:07:29,810 | he said, "but I had an old car," he said. "Model-T." | he said, "but I had an old car," he said. "Model-T." |
160 | 00:07:29,910 | 00:07:31,937 | And he said, "Couldn't afford to put tyres on the bastard," | And he said, "Couldn't afford to put tyres on the bastard," |
161 | 00:07:32,037 | 00:07:33,856 | he said, "so every time it went round a corner, | he said, "so every time it went round a corner, |
162 | 00:07:33,956 | 00:07:35,399 | "after a while you were kinda more trying | "after a while you were kinda more trying |
163 | 00:07:35,499 | 00:07:36,942 | "to keep the thing from crashing into a tree | "to keep the thing from crashing into a tree |
164 | 00:07:37,042 | 00:07:38,068 | "than drive the thing. | "than drive the thing. |
165 | 00:07:38,168 | 00:07:39,528 | "Anyway, one day it went off the side of the road | "Anyway, one day it went off the side of the road |
166 | 00:07:39,628 | 00:07:41,363 | "and it did what I always thought it might do - rolled, | "and it did what I always thought it might do - rolled, |
167 | 00:07:41,463 | 00:07:42,948 | "and it rolled about three or four times. | "and it rolled about three or four times. |
168 | 00:07:43,048 | 00:07:43,990 | "We didn't have belts then." | "We didn't have belts then." |
169 | 00:07:44,090 | 00:07:45,950 | He said, "Pretty lucky to get out of that alive. | He said, "Pretty lucky to get out of that alive. |
170 | 00:07:46,050 | 00:07:47,035 | "I thought I was gonna die." | "I thought I was gonna die." |
171 | 00:07:47,135 | 00:07:48,787 | And I said, "Oh, fair enough. Fair enough." | And I said, "Oh, fair enough. Fair enough." |
172 | 00:07:48,887 | 00:07:50,955 | With that, old Richo says, "Well, I'll be honest." | With that, old Richo says, "Well, I'll be honest." |
173 | 00:07:51,055 | 00:07:52,707 | He said, "As you know, for a while," he said, | He said, "As you know, for a while," he said, |
174 | 00:07:52,807 | 00:07:55,335 | "I used to work making bridges, and we're in a country town, | "I used to work making bridges, and we're in a country town, |
175 | 00:07:55,435 | 00:07:56,919 | "building a pretty decent bridge, to be honest." | "building a pretty decent bridge, to be honest." |
176 | 00:07:57,019 | 00:07:58,421 | He said, "It was a rail bridge." | He said, "It was a rail bridge." |
177 | 00:07:58,521 | 00:07:59,672 | And he said, "We got to the point | And he said, "We got to the point |
178 | 00:07:59,772 | 00:08:01,549 | "where both sides almost met." | "where both sides almost met." |
179 | 00:08:01,649 | 00:08:03,300 | And he said, "But, you know, | And he said, "But, you know, |
180 | 00:08:03,400 | 00:08:04,635 | "we made a few mistakes here and there. | "we made a few mistakes here and there. |
181 | 00:08:04,735 | 00:08:05,678 | "Can happen. Human error." | "Can happen. Human error." |
182 | 00:08:05,778 | 00:08:07,471 | And he said, "The bridge started to go down. | And he said, "The bridge started to go down. |
183 | 00:08:07,571 | 00:08:09,765 | "I had to ride the thing down. A fair way - 20, 30 metres." | "I had to ride the thing down. A fair way - 20, 30 metres." |
184 | 00:08:09,865 | 00:08:11,058 | He said, "I thought I was a goner." | He said, "I thought I was a goner." |
185 | 00:08:11,158 | 00:08:13,143 | He said, "So, that was the day I thought I'd die." | He said, "So, that was the day I thought I'd die." |
186 | 00:08:13,243 | 00:08:15,729 | And he said, "But, hey, still here. We're still here, mate." | And he said, "But, hey, still here. We're still here, mate." |
187 | 00:08:15,829 | 00:08:17,731 | And with that, they said, "Oh, Morrie. | And with that, they said, "Oh, Morrie. |
188 | 00:08:17,831 | 00:08:19,107 | "What about you, Morrie?" | "What about you, Morrie?" |
189 | 00:08:19,207 | 00:08:20,734 | He said, "Oh," he said, "as you know," he said, | He said, "Oh," he said, "as you know," he said, |
190 | 00:08:20,834 | 00:08:21,943 | "I'm the oldest out of the group. | "I'm the oldest out of the group. |
191 | 00:08:22,043 | 00:08:23,487 | "At 96, I'm going alright," he said. | "At 96, I'm going alright," he said. |
192 | 00:08:23,587 | 00:08:26,239 | "But," he said, "when we were fighting in the Congo..." | "But," he said, "when we were fighting in the Congo..." |
193 | 00:08:26,339 | 00:08:27,616 | He said, "We were there once." | He said, "We were there once." |
194 | 00:08:27,716 | 00:08:29,951 | He said...and he said, "A whole bunch of reeds. | He said...and he said, "A whole bunch of reeds. |
195 | 00:08:30,051 | 00:08:31,870 | "Pretty...pretty thick, dense stuff, it was. | "Pretty...pretty thick, dense stuff, it was. |
196 | 00:08:31,970 | 00:08:33,746 | "Everything looked green. We were wearing green. | "Everything looked green. We were wearing green. |
197 | 00:08:33,846 | 00:08:35,164 | "Couldn't tell each other from a plant." | "Couldn't tell each other from a plant." |
198 | 00:08:35,264 | 00:08:37,250 | And he said, "Anyway, there was this noise, and we all froze," | And he said, "Anyway, there was this noise, and we all froze," |
199 | 00:08:37,350 | 00:08:39,752 | and he said, "and we're staring inside this grass," | and he said, "and we're staring inside this grass," |
200 | 00:08:39,852 | 00:08:42,004 | and he said, "and there's a massive tiger!" | and he said, "and there's a massive tiger!" |
201 | 00:08:42,104 | 00:08:44,340 | "Came out and went 'Raaah'!" | "Came out and went 'Raaah'!" |
202 | 00:08:44,440 | 00:08:46,175 | "Just shit myself." | "Just shit myself." |
203 | 00:08:46,275 | 00:08:48,844 | And they said, "Oh, mate, that's alright. I understand. | And they said, "Oh, mate, that's alright. I understand. |
204 | 00:08:48,944 | 00:08:50,804 | "If a tiger jumped out at me, I would've shat myself." | "If a tiger jumped out at me, I would've shat myself." |
205 | 00:08:50,904 | 00:08:52,640 | He said, "No, not then in the Congo - | He said, "No, not then in the Congo - |
206 | 00:08:52,740 | 00:08:54,183 | "just then when I went 'Raaah'." | "just then when I went 'Raaah'." |
207 | 00:08:54,283 | 00:08:55,392 | I just..." | I just..." |
208 | 00:08:55,492 | 00:08:57,578 | "..shat myself." | "..shat myself." |
209 | 00:08:57,995 | 00:08:59,855 | ♪ Don't need to hurry | ♪ Don't need to hurry |
210 | 00:08:59,955 | 00:09:02,566 | ♪ Or worry about tomorrow, baby | ♪ Or worry about tomorrow, baby |
211 | 00:09:02,666 | 00:09:04,860 | ♪ It's gonna be OK... ♪ | ♪ It's gonna be OK... ♪ |
212 | 00:09:04,960 | 00:09:06,695 | A guy goes into a hardware shop | A guy goes into a hardware shop |
213 | 00:09:06,795 | 00:09:09,823 | and he goes, "A bottle of turps," | and he goes, "A bottle of turps," |
214 | 00:09:09,923 | 00:09:11,825 | and the guy goes, "No. No, no. | and the guy goes, "No. No, no. |
215 | 00:09:11,925 | 00:09:14,744 | "You're a dero. You'll be drinking that. I can see it." | "You're a dero. You'll be drinking that. I can see it." |
216 | 00:09:14,844 | 00:09:16,371 | And he said, "No, I'm...you know, | And he said, "No, I'm...you know, |
217 | 00:09:16,471 | 00:09:18,081 | "decorating the house, you know?" | "decorating the house, you know?" |
218 | 00:09:18,181 | 00:09:19,457 | He said, "No, no. Look at your face. | He said, "No, no. Look at your face. |
219 | 00:09:19,557 | 00:09:21,584 | "You're all bloodshot. You'll be drinking that." | "You're all bloodshot. You'll be drinking that." |
220 | 00:09:21,684 | 00:09:23,461 | He said, "I'm telling you, I'm decorating the house. | He said, "I'm telling you, I'm decorating the house. |
221 | 00:09:23,561 | 00:09:25,171 | "I'm stripping the door. I need a bottle of turps. | "I'm stripping the door. I need a bottle of turps. |
222 | 00:09:25,271 | 00:09:27,006 | "Give me a bottle of turps, alright?" | "Give me a bottle of turps, alright?" |
223 | 00:09:27,106 | 00:09:28,591 | Guy reaches round to get a bottle of turps | Guy reaches round to get a bottle of turps |
224 | 00:09:28,691 | 00:09:30,843 | and he goes, "Oh, couldn't get one from the fridge, could I?" | and he goes, "Oh, couldn't get one from the fridge, could I?" |
225 | 00:09:32,194 | 00:09:34,847 | ♪ It's gonna be OK, OK... ♪ | ♪ It's gonna be OK, OK... ♪ |
226 | 00:09:34,947 | 00:09:36,890 | So this guy goes to the confessional, OK, | So this guy goes to the confessional, OK, |
227 | 00:09:36,990 | 00:09:38,434 | and the priest says... | and the priest says... |
228 | 00:09:38,534 | 00:09:40,144 | - Are we gonna go him? - Yeah, yeah. | - Are we gonna go him? - Yeah, yeah. |
229 | 00:09:40,244 | 00:09:41,812 | The priest says... | The priest says... |
230 | 00:09:41,912 | 00:09:43,855 | He says, "Father, I have sinned." | He says, "Father, I have sinned." |
231 | 00:09:43,955 | 00:09:46,525 | And the priest says, "Oh, tell me your sins, son." | And the priest says, "Oh, tell me your sins, son." |
232 | 00:09:46,625 | 00:09:48,985 | Although he's 90 years old, this guy. | Although he's 90 years old, this guy. |
233 | 00:09:49,085 | 00:09:51,446 | And he said, "Well, Father, I have been... | And he said, "Well, Father, I have been... |
234 | 00:09:51,546 | 00:09:53,907 | "I have sex with 19-year-old." | "I have sex with 19-year-old." |
235 | 00:09:54,007 | 00:09:55,033 | Oh. | Oh. |
236 | 00:09:55,133 | 00:09:56,910 | And the priest said, "Hell, that IS a sin." | And the priest said, "Hell, that IS a sin." |
237 | 00:09:57,010 | 00:09:59,037 | And he tells him to say five Hail Marys. | And he tells him to say five Hail Marys. |
238 | 00:09:59,137 | 00:10:02,165 | And before he left, he said, "I don't recognise your voice. | And before he left, he said, "I don't recognise your voice. |
239 | 00:10:02,265 | 00:10:03,499 | "Are you from this parish?" | "Are you from this parish?" |
240 | 00:10:03,599 | 00:10:06,085 | And the guy says, "No, Father. | And the guy says, "No, Father. |
241 | 00:10:06,185 | 00:10:10,798 | "I'm actually from...I'm Jewish. I'm from synagogue." | "I'm actually from...I'm Jewish. I'm from synagogue." |
242 | 00:10:10,898 | 00:10:14,468 | And he said, "Have you told anyone else about this?" | And he said, "Have you told anyone else about this?" |
243 | 00:10:14,568 | 00:10:16,762 | He said, "I'm telling everybody."' | He said, "I'm telling everybody."' |
244 | 00:10:19,740 | 00:10:22,184 | That's nice. That's nice. | That's nice. That's nice. |
245 | 00:10:22,284 | 00:10:26,330 | ♪ It's gonna be OK, OK Yeah... ♪ | ♪ It's gonna be OK, OK Yeah... ♪ |
246 | 00:10:28,457 | 00:10:30,025 | - A moth... - Yeah? | - A moth... - Yeah? |
247 | 00:10:30,125 | 00:10:31,485 | Alright? | Alright? |
248 | 00:10:31,585 | 00:10:33,987 | ..walks into a podiatrist's office. | ..walks into a podiatrist's office. |
249 | 00:10:34,087 | 00:10:36,823 | Alright? This actually happened. | Alright? This actually happened. |
250 | 00:10:36,923 | 00:10:40,201 | This is a true story. This is not a made-up one. | This is a true story. This is not a made-up one. |
251 | 00:10:40,301 | 00:10:41,578 | Alright? | Alright? |
252 | 00:10:41,678 | 00:10:43,413 | A moth walks into a podiatrist's office, | A moth walks into a podiatrist's office, |
253 | 00:10:43,513 | 00:10:47,250 | and the podiatrist says, "Yeah, come in and take a seat. | and the podiatrist says, "Yeah, come in and take a seat. |
254 | 00:10:47,350 | 00:10:49,627 | "Uh...what seems to be the problem?" | "Uh...what seems to be the problem?" |
255 | 00:10:49,727 | 00:10:52,964 | And the moth says, "What's NOT the problem, Doctor? | And the moth says, "What's NOT the problem, Doctor? |
256 | 00:10:53,064 | 00:10:55,966 | "What is NOT the problem? | "What is NOT the problem? |
257 | 00:10:56,066 | 00:10:58,177 | "Every morning I wake up | "Every morning I wake up |
258 | 00:10:58,277 | 00:11:05,017 | "next to a woman who I have fallen out of love with. | "next to a woman who I have fallen out of love with. |
259 | 00:11:05,117 | 00:11:06,685 | "I don't love her anymore. | "I don't love her anymore. |
260 | 00:11:06,785 | 00:11:09,855 | "I don't even know her anymore, Doc." | "I don't even know her anymore, Doc." |
261 | 00:11:09,955 | 00:11:11,440 | "Help me." | "Help me." |
262 | 00:11:11,540 | 00:11:16,278 | "I've got my youngest, who is just so... | "I've got my youngest, who is just so... |
263 | 00:11:16,378 | 00:11:21,157 | "I hate him so much, because every time I look in his eyes, | "I hate him so much, because every time I look in his eyes, |
264 | 00:11:21,257 | 00:11:24,744 | "I see the same cowardice that I see | "I see the same cowardice that I see |
265 | 00:11:24,844 | 00:11:26,412 | "when I look in my own eyes." | "when I look in my own eyes." |
266 | 00:11:26,512 | 00:11:30,166 | "I've lost my job. I've lost my marriage. | "I've lost my job. I've lost my marriage. |
267 | 00:11:30,266 | 00:11:34,795 | "I lost my child in the winter." | "I lost my child in the winter." |
268 | 00:11:34,895 | 00:11:39,383 | "It was a very cold time. Moths don't handle cold well." | "It was a very cold time. Moths don't handle cold well." |
269 | 00:11:39,483 | 00:11:41,552 | What purpose does he have? | What purpose does he have? |
270 | 00:11:41,652 | 00:11:44,154 | "What purpose do I have, Doc?" | "What purpose do I have, Doc?" |
271 | 00:11:46,281 | 00:11:48,367 | Doctor looks at him and says... | Doctor looks at him and says... |
272 | 00:11:48,909 | 00:11:50,994 | "Just... | "Just... |
273 | 00:11:51,620 | 00:11:55,148 | "You need help. You need to see a psychiatrist. | "You need help. You need to see a psychiatrist. |
274 | 00:11:55,248 | 00:11:59,361 | "But I've got to ask - why did you come and see me?" | "But I've got to ask - why did you come and see me?" |
275 | 00:11:59,461 | 00:12:02,864 | And the moth says, "The light was on." | And the moth says, "The light was on." |
276 | 00:12:07,468 | 00:12:09,537 | - The light was on. - You bastard! | - The light was on. - You bastard! |
277 | 00:12:09,637 | 00:12:11,247 | The light was on. | The light was on. |
278 | 00:12:11,347 | 00:12:14,016 | - He's a moth. - Yeah, we get it, we get it. | - He's a moth. - Yeah, we get it, we get it. |
279 | 00:12:15,518 | 00:12:17,170 | I bought a thesaurus today. | I bought a thesaurus today. |
280 | 00:12:17,270 | 00:12:20,731 | Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible. | Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible. |
281 | 00:12:23,150 | 00:12:25,052 | I went for a job interview. | I went for a job interview. |
282 | 00:12:25,152 | 00:12:27,680 | The bloke said, "Describe yourself in three words." | The bloke said, "Describe yourself in three words." |
283 | 00:12:27,780 | 00:12:30,265 | I said, "Not good with numbers." | I said, "Not good with numbers." |
284 | 00:12:33,202 | 00:12:35,646 | I can't stand Russian dolls. | I can't stand Russian dolls. |
285 | 00:12:35,746 | 00:12:37,356 | They're so full of themselves. | They're so full of themselves. |
286 | 00:12:39,583 | 00:12:42,444 | I joined a club for people with Tourette's syndrome. | I joined a club for people with Tourette's syndrome. |
287 | 00:12:42,544 | 00:12:44,571 | Took four hours to get sworn in. | Took four hours to get sworn in. |
288 | 00:12:46,172 | 00:12:50,243 | ♪ Here's to the people that I'd like to thank | ♪ Here's to the people that I'd like to thank |
289 | 00:12:50,343 | 00:12:54,163 | ♪ You drink to me and I'll drink to you | ♪ You drink to me and I'll drink to you |
290 | 00:12:54,263 | 00:12:57,709 | ♪ Let's drink together but before we do | ♪ Let's drink together but before we do |
291 | 00:12:57,809 | 00:13:00,102 | ♪ If we die tonight | ♪ If we die tonight |
292 | 00:13:01,562 | 00:13:03,898 | ♪ That'd be alright | ♪ That'd be alright |
293 | 00:13:05,649 | 00:13:10,679 | ♪ 'Cause we had one hell of a ride... ♪ | ♪ 'Cause we had one hell of a ride... ♪ |
294 | 00:13:10,779 | 00:13:13,432 | I've got an animal one. I've got an animal one. | I've got an animal one. I've got an animal one. |
295 | 00:13:13,532 | 00:13:16,894 | We're in a theme of animals, so... | We're in a theme of animals, so... |
296 | 00:13:16,994 | 00:13:19,271 | This penguin decides to take himself | This penguin decides to take himself |
297 | 00:13:19,371 | 00:13:21,231 | for a drive to the seaside. | for a drive to the seaside. |
298 | 00:13:21,331 | 00:13:24,401 | And just as he approaches the water, his car conks out. | And just as he approaches the water, his car conks out. |
299 | 00:13:24,501 | 00:13:27,195 | So, he knows there's a mechanic's around the corner | So, he knows there's a mechanic's around the corner |
300 | 00:13:27,295 | 00:13:29,739 | and he pushes his car to the mechanic's and says, | and he pushes his car to the mechanic's and says, |
301 | 00:13:29,839 | 00:13:31,741 | "Could you find out... I don't know what's happened. | "Could you find out... I don't know what's happened. |
302 | 00:13:31,841 | 00:13:33,535 | "It's just conked out. I don't know what's going on." | "It's just conked out. I don't know what's going on." |
303 | 00:13:33,635 | 00:13:34,828 | The mechanic's like, "I'm a bit busy. | The mechanic's like, "I'm a bit busy. |
304 | 00:13:34,928 | 00:13:37,080 | "If you can go for a walk for half an hour, come back, | "If you can go for a walk for half an hour, come back, |
305 | 00:13:37,180 | 00:13:39,874 | "I'll have a look and let you know what's going on." | "I'll have a look and let you know what's going on." |
306 | 00:13:39,974 | 00:13:42,376 | So the penguin takes himself for a little waddle. | So the penguin takes himself for a little waddle. |
307 | 00:13:42,476 | 00:13:45,504 | Gets down by the water, paddles about in the sun. | Gets down by the water, paddles about in the sun. |
308 | 00:13:45,604 | 00:13:47,590 | Looks at his watch - it's almost been half an hour. | Looks at his watch - it's almost been half an hour. |
309 | 00:13:47,690 | 00:13:49,508 | Makes his way back to the mechanic's | Makes his way back to the mechanic's |
310 | 00:13:49,608 | 00:13:52,052 | and gets himself a nice little vanilla ice-cream on the walk. | and gets himself a nice little vanilla ice-cream on the walk. |
311 | 00:13:52,152 | 00:13:54,471 | He's having a lovely time. This is the whole point of the trip. | He's having a lovely time. This is the whole point of the trip. |
312 | 00:13:54,571 | 00:13:55,806 | And he gets back | And he gets back |
313 | 00:13:55,906 | 00:13:58,350 | and the mechanic's having a look under his bonnet, | and the mechanic's having a look under his bonnet, |
314 | 00:13:58,450 | 00:14:00,602 | and the penguin rocks up and says to him, | and the penguin rocks up and says to him, |
315 | 00:14:00,702 | 00:14:04,606 | "Oh, so what's wrong with my car? What's going on?" | "Oh, so what's wrong with my car? What's going on?" |
316 | 00:14:04,706 | 00:14:07,359 | And the mechanic pops his head out from under the bonnet, | And the mechanic pops his head out from under the bonnet, |
317 | 00:14:07,459 | 00:14:10,487 | looks at him and goes, "Oh, you've blown a seal." | looks at him and goes, "Oh, you've blown a seal." |
318 | 00:14:10,587 | 00:14:13,740 | And the penguin goes, "Oh, no, no - just had an ice-cream." | And the penguin goes, "Oh, no, no - just had an ice-cream." |
319 | 00:14:15,842 | 00:14:17,660 | Haaaa! | Haaaa! |
320 | 00:14:17,760 | 00:14:19,846 | ♪ Na, na, na, na, na | ♪ Na, na, na, na, na |
321 | 00:14:21,055 | 00:14:24,559 | ♪ Na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na | ♪ Na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na |
322 | 00:14:26,727 | 00:14:30,673 | ♪ Na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na, na-na. ♪ | ♪ Na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na, na-na. ♪ |
323 | 00:14:30,773 | 00:14:32,717 | Well, I've got a good one too. | Well, I've got a good one too. |
324 | 00:14:32,817 | 00:14:37,096 | Well, there's a pub in Sydney called the Harbour View, | Well, there's a pub in Sydney called the Harbour View, |
325 | 00:14:37,196 | 00:14:38,347 | and it's a wharfies' pub, | and it's a wharfies' pub, |
326 | 00:14:38,447 | 00:14:42,101 | and there's a regular group that hits there Friday nights. | and there's a regular group that hits there Friday nights. |
327 | 00:14:42,201 | 00:14:43,519 | I used to too sometimes. | I used to too sometimes. |
328 | 00:14:43,619 | 00:14:45,896 | Anyway, there's a guy - Tommy was his name. | Anyway, there's a guy - Tommy was his name. |
329 | 00:14:45,996 | 00:14:48,815 | He was a wharfie, and he was a regular, | He was a wharfie, and he was a regular, |
330 | 00:14:48,915 | 00:14:51,026 | and he just suddenly stopped coming in, you know? | and he just suddenly stopped coming in, you know? |
331 | 00:14:51,126 | 00:14:52,569 | Sort of talked about him for a while, | Sort of talked about him for a while, |
332 | 00:14:52,669 | 00:14:56,823 | and about six months later, he turns up in a Ferrari. | and about six months later, he turns up in a Ferrari. |
333 | 00:14:56,923 | 00:14:58,992 | A brand-spanking-new Ferrari. | A brand-spanking-new Ferrari. |
334 | 00:14:59,092 | 00:15:00,785 | And strolls into the pub, | And strolls into the pub, |
335 | 00:15:00,885 | 00:15:02,787 | done up like, you know, a million dollars. | done up like, you know, a million dollars. |
336 | 00:15:02,887 | 00:15:05,290 | Struttin' diamonds and all sorts of things. | Struttin' diamonds and all sorts of things. |
337 | 00:15:05,390 | 00:15:08,960 | So, I say, "What...what the hell happened, Tommy? | So, I say, "What...what the hell happened, Tommy? |
338 | 00:15:09,060 | 00:15:10,837 | He said, "You wouldn't believe this." | He said, "You wouldn't believe this." |
339 | 00:15:10,937 | 00:15:12,630 | He said, "I bought one of them sheds," | He said, "I bought one of them sheds," |
340 | 00:15:12,730 | 00:15:14,882 | he said, "that you buy for...prefabricated." | he said, "that you buy for...prefabricated." |
341 | 00:15:14,982 | 00:15:17,343 | He said, "You know, about 120 bucks." | He said, "You know, about 120 bucks." |
342 | 00:15:17,443 | 00:15:19,553 | He said, "I put it up in the backyard. | He said, "I put it up in the backyard. |
343 | 00:15:19,653 | 00:15:22,264 | "And I spend a bit of time in it, in my tool shed, | "And I spend a bit of time in it, in my tool shed, |
344 | 00:15:22,364 | 00:15:23,974 | "so I put a window in it." | "so I put a window in it." |
345 | 00:15:24,074 | 00:15:26,435 | He said, "I put this vinyl stuff," he said, | He said, "I put this vinyl stuff," he said, |
346 | 00:15:26,535 | 00:15:27,686 | "It's like off a caravan." | "It's like off a caravan." |
347 | 00:15:27,786 | 00:15:28,770 | "But I put the window in it," | "But I put the window in it," |
348 | 00:15:28,870 | 00:15:31,023 | and he said, "My neighbour next door looked over | and he said, "My neighbour next door looked over |
349 | 00:15:31,123 | 00:15:32,774 | "and saw the shed and he said, 'That's a beauty,' he said. | "and saw the shed and he said, 'That's a beauty,' he said. |
350 | 00:15:32,874 | 00:15:33,817 | "'Where'd you get it?' | "'Where'd you get it?' |
351 | 00:15:33,917 | 00:15:36,111 | "And I said, you know, 'I put it together myself.'" | "And I said, you know, 'I put it together myself.'" |
352 | 00:15:36,211 | 00:15:38,321 | "And he said, 'I'd love to have a shed like that.' | "And he said, 'I'd love to have a shed like that.' |
353 | 00:15:38,421 | 00:15:40,740 | "He said, 'How much do you want for it?' | "He said, 'How much do you want for it?' |
354 | 00:15:40,840 | 00:15:43,034 | "And I...I didn't want to sell it, you know? | "And I...I didn't want to sell it, you know? |
355 | 00:15:43,134 | 00:15:45,411 | "120...Cost me about 150." | "120...Cost me about 150." |
356 | 00:15:45,511 | 00:15:48,247 | "And he said, 'Oh, you know, 300 bucks.' | "And he said, 'Oh, you know, 300 bucks.' |
357 | 00:15:48,347 | 00:15:49,832 | "And he said, 'Sold.'" | "And he said, 'Sold.'" |
358 | 00:15:49,932 | 00:15:52,293 | And he grabs the shed off him for 300 bucks, you know? | And he grabs the shed off him for 300 bucks, you know? |
359 | 00:15:52,393 | 00:15:53,336 | And thought, "Oh, good." | And thought, "Oh, good." |
360 | 00:15:53,436 | 00:15:55,588 | "So I went and bought another bigger, better shed | "So I went and bought another bigger, better shed |
361 | 00:15:55,688 | 00:15:57,965 | "and I put two windows in it, you know? | "and I put two windows in it, you know? |
362 | 00:15:58,065 | 00:15:59,467 | "And I sort of...and the... | "And I sort of...and the... |
363 | 00:15:59,567 | 00:16:02,094 | "..the guy that lived at the back looked over the fence | "..the guy that lived at the back looked over the fence |
364 | 00:16:02,194 | 00:16:04,305 | "and said, 'Gee, that's terrific. Where did you get that?" | "and said, 'Gee, that's terrific. Where did you get that?" |
365 | 00:16:04,405 | 00:16:06,390 | "And I said, 'Oh, I built it. It's a prefab thing.' | "And I said, 'Oh, I built it. It's a prefab thing.' |
366 | 00:16:06,490 | 00:16:08,976 | "He said, 'How much do you want for it?' | "He said, 'How much do you want for it?' |
367 | 00:16:09,076 | 00:16:11,478 | "I said, 'You can't buy them, you know? I made it.' | "I said, 'You can't buy them, you know? I made it.' |
368 | 00:16:11,578 | 00:16:13,480 | "He said, 'I've wanted something like that | "He said, 'I've wanted something like that |
369 | 00:16:13,580 | 00:16:14,523 | 'all my life.' | 'all my life.' |
370 | 00:16:14,623 | 00:16:17,150 | "He said, 'Oh...I'll give you 500 for it.' | "He said, 'Oh...I'll give you 500 for it.' |
371 | 00:16:17,250 | 00:16:20,528 | "Sold. You know? 'Cause it cost me about 220. | "Sold. You know? 'Cause it cost me about 220. |
372 | 00:16:20,628 | 00:16:23,323 | "And so I thought, 'I'm onto something here,' | "And so I thought, 'I'm onto something here,' |
373 | 00:16:23,423 | 00:16:26,576 | "so I buy the big... the $420 one. | "so I buy the big... the $420 one. |
374 | 00:16:26,676 | 00:16:28,578 | "You know, I'm starting to put a window in it," and he said, | "You know, I'm starting to put a window in it," and he said, |
375 | 00:16:28,678 | 00:16:32,540 | "then I get a call, and, um... my favourite uncle died. | "then I get a call, and, um... my favourite uncle died. |
376 | 00:16:32,640 | 00:16:34,125 | "He left me nine million quid. | "He left me nine million quid. |
377 | 00:16:34,225 | 00:16:35,626 | "And I said, 'Oh, fuck the sheds.'" | "And I said, 'Oh, fuck the sheds.'" |
378 | 00:16:37,645 | 00:16:40,131 | ♪ And my baby is waitin' for me... ♪ | ♪ And my baby is waitin' for me... ♪ |
379 | 00:16:44,944 | 00:16:46,554 | Shit's dripping out of me collar! | Shit's dripping out of me collar! |
380 | 00:17:10,093 | 00:17:13,079 | ♪ Harley and Rose were reunited | ♪ Harley and Rose were reunited |
381 | 00:17:13,179 | 00:17:15,873 | ♪ This time they said it was | ♪ This time they said it was |
382 | 00:17:15,973 | 00:17:18,100 | ♪ It was for real | ♪ It was for real |
383 | 00:17:19,810 | 00:17:23,047 | ♪ Take it all back to where it started | ♪ Take it all back to where it started |
384 | 00:17:23,147 | 00:17:26,050 | ♪ He would melt her heart | ♪ He would melt her heart |
385 | 00:17:26,150 | 00:17:28,235 | ♪ Her heart of steel | ♪ Her heart of steel |
386 | 00:17:29,820 | 00:17:33,557 | ♪ Life is a bitter disappointment | ♪ Life is a bitter disappointment |
387 | 00:17:33,657 | 00:17:37,853 | ♪ You would hear young Harley say | ♪ You would hear young Harley say |
388 | 00:17:37,953 | 00:17:42,441 | ♪ If you find something that's more important | ♪ If you find something that's more important |
389 | 00:17:42,541 | 00:17:46,711 | ♪ I will not stand in your way | ♪ I will not stand in your way |
390 | 00:17:49,297 | 00:17:50,824 | ♪ Static on a dial | ♪ Static on a dial |
391 | 00:17:50,924 | 00:17:54,035 | ♪ A look comes back in style | ♪ A look comes back in style |
392 | 00:17:54,135 | 00:17:57,805 | ♪ Harley and Rose, they just lost it for a while | ♪ Harley and Rose, they just lost it for a while |
393 | 00:18:00,349 | 00:18:03,336 | ♪ Harley claimed there was no lover | ♪ Harley claimed there was no lover |
394 | 00:18:03,436 | 00:18:04,921 | ♪ Nothing in bloom... ♪ | ♪ Nothing in bloom... ♪ |
395 | 00:18:05,021 | 00:18:06,922 | Alright, I've got...I've got one for you, right? | Alright, I've got...I've got one for you, right? |
396 | 00:18:07,022 | 00:18:07,965 | Hit us. | Hit us. |
397 | 00:18:08,065 | 00:18:11,635 | OK. So there's...there's this inflatable boy, right? | OK. So there's...there's this inflatable boy, right? |
398 | 00:18:11,735 | 00:18:14,430 | And, uh...he leaves home one day. | And, uh...he leaves home one day. |
399 | 00:18:14,530 | 00:18:17,641 | Leaves his inflatable house, his inflatable family, | Leaves his inflatable house, his inflatable family, |
400 | 00:18:17,741 | 00:18:20,352 | and he goes to his inflatable school. | and he goes to his inflatable school. |
401 | 00:18:20,452 | 00:18:21,478 | And he's in class one day, | And he's in class one day, |
402 | 00:18:21,578 | 00:18:23,480 | and it's all the inflatable students, | and it's all the inflatable students, |
403 | 00:18:23,580 | 00:18:25,665 | and the inflatable teacher. | and the inflatable teacher. |
404 | 00:18:26,458 | 00:18:27,734 | But he's a bit of a ratbag, this kid. | But he's a bit of a ratbag, this kid. |
405 | 00:18:27,834 | 00:18:29,027 | He's a bit of a ratbag. | He's a bit of a ratbag. |
406 | 00:18:29,127 | 00:18:31,488 | And during lunchtime, he's in the inflatable playground, | And during lunchtime, he's in the inflatable playground, |
407 | 00:18:31,588 | 00:18:33,114 | and he sneaks off for a smoke. | and he sneaks off for a smoke. |
408 | 00:18:33,214 | 00:18:34,365 | Right? | Right? |
409 | 00:18:34,465 | 00:18:37,076 | And one of the inflatable teachers catches him. | And one of the inflatable teachers catches him. |
410 | 00:18:37,176 | 00:18:39,412 | Says, "Right! You're busted. You can't smoke at school. | Says, "Right! You're busted. You can't smoke at school. |
411 | 00:18:39,512 | 00:18:40,663 | "You're getting detention." | "You're getting detention." |
412 | 00:18:40,763 | 00:18:43,416 | And the inflatable boy loses it. | And the inflatable boy loses it. |
413 | 00:18:43,516 | 00:18:45,585 | He's a loose cannon, this kid. He loses it. | He's a loose cannon, this kid. He loses it. |
414 | 00:18:45,685 | 00:18:48,337 | Pulls a knife out of his pocket, right? | Pulls a knife out of his pocket, right? |
415 | 00:18:48,437 | 00:18:50,923 | And he stabs the bloody teacher. | And he stabs the bloody teacher. |
416 | 00:18:51,023 | 00:18:52,925 | - No. - The inflatable teacher, | - No. - The inflatable teacher, |
417 | 00:18:53,025 | 00:18:54,468 | and the teacher goes, pfff-pfft, like this. | and the teacher goes, pfff-pfft, like this. |
418 | 00:18:54,568 | 00:18:57,263 | And then the headmaster comes out to nab him, | And then the headmaster comes out to nab him, |
419 | 00:18:57,363 | 00:19:00,432 | and goes more crazy and he stabs the school. | and goes more crazy and he stabs the school. |
420 | 00:19:00,532 | 00:19:02,935 | And the school goes pfft-pfft like this. | And the school goes pfft-pfft like this. |
421 | 00:19:03,035 | 00:19:04,186 | And he runs off home. | And he runs off home. |
422 | 00:19:04,286 | 00:19:05,938 | And his parents go, "What are you doing here? | And his parents go, "What are you doing here? |
423 | 00:19:06,038 | 00:19:07,064 | "You should be at school. | "You should be at school. |
424 | 00:19:07,164 | 00:19:08,940 | "You've been misbehaving your whole life. | "You've been misbehaving your whole life. |
425 | 00:19:09,040 | 00:19:10,025 | "This is a disgrace." | "This is a disgrace." |
426 | 00:19:10,125 | 00:19:11,943 | And he stabs his mum and stabs his dad, | And he stabs his mum and stabs his dad, |
427 | 00:19:12,043 | 00:19:14,821 | the inflatable mum and dad, and they both pfft-pfft like that. | the inflatable mum and dad, and they both pfft-pfft like that. |
428 | 00:19:14,921 | 00:19:17,365 | And then the police come to arrest him, right? | And then the police come to arrest him, right? |
429 | 00:19:17,465 | 00:19:19,159 | And the police are coming to arrest him. | And the police are coming to arrest him. |
430 | 00:19:19,259 | 00:19:22,078 | And then he stabs himself, and he goes pfft-pfft, | And then he stabs himself, and he goes pfft-pfft, |
431 | 00:19:22,178 | 00:19:23,955 | and the police grab him and rush him to hospital. | and the police grab him and rush him to hospital. |
432 | 00:19:24,055 | 00:19:25,957 | And he's laying in his hospital bed, | And he's laying in his hospital bed, |
433 | 00:19:26,057 | 00:19:27,875 | and they stitch him up at the hospital | and they stitch him up at the hospital |
434 | 00:19:27,975 | 00:19:31,254 | and eventually he comes to, and he goes, "Oh, what's happened?" | and eventually he comes to, and he goes, "Oh, what's happened?" |
435 | 00:19:31,354 | 00:19:34,190 | And the police are there and they go, "Son... | And the police are there and they go, "Son... |
436 | 00:19:35,357 | 00:19:38,093 | "..you've let your school down, you've let your parents down, | "..you've let your school down, you've let your parents down, |
437 | 00:19:38,193 | 00:19:39,762 | "you've let yourself down... " | "you've let yourself down... " |
438 | 00:19:41,864 | 00:19:43,182 | Rob can relate to that, | Rob can relate to that, |
439 | 00:19:43,282 | 00:19:45,434 | because he's met a lot of inflatable women in his life. | because he's met a lot of inflatable women in his life. |
440 | 00:19:45,534 | 00:19:47,394 | And I let 'em all down. | And I let 'em all down. |
441 | 00:19:47,494 | 00:19:49,579 | Didn't you? | Didn't you? |
442 | 00:19:52,541 | 00:19:54,860 | Here's one. Here's one. | Here's one. Here's one. |
443 | 00:19:56,211 | 00:19:58,613 | Young woman, and she's going to the doctor. | Young woman, and she's going to the doctor. |
444 | 00:19:58,713 | 00:20:00,073 | It's time for her first pap smear, | It's time for her first pap smear, |
445 | 00:20:00,173 | 00:20:01,825 | and she's understandably nervous. | and she's understandably nervous. |
446 | 00:20:01,925 | 00:20:04,160 | How would you know? | How would you know? |
447 | 00:20:04,260 | 00:20:06,913 | Well, I'm just a sensitive guy and I understand these things. | Well, I'm just a sensitive guy and I understand these things. |
448 | 00:20:07,013 | 00:20:09,332 | Rob pretended to be a doctor for years. | Rob pretended to be a doctor for years. |
449 | 00:20:10,892 | 00:20:13,502 | So there's this young woman and she's off to the doctor's. | So there's this young woman and she's off to the doctor's. |
450 | 00:20:13,602 | 00:20:15,087 | It's her first pap smear. She's very nervous. | It's her first pap smear. She's very nervous. |
451 | 00:20:15,187 | 00:20:18,340 | Um... and so she's lying down the bed | Um... and so she's lying down the bed |
452 | 00:20:18,440 | 00:20:20,926 | and she got her trousers down, her pants down, her legs open. | and she got her trousers down, her pants down, her legs open. |
453 | 00:20:21,026 | 00:20:22,636 | And for the doctor, he's a professional | And for the doctor, he's a professional |
454 | 00:20:22,736 | 00:20:24,346 | and he can sense that she's nervous. | and he can sense that she's nervous. |
455 | 00:20:24,446 | 00:20:26,598 | And he looks over and very sensitively he says, | And he looks over and very sensitively he says, |
456 | 00:20:26,698 | 00:20:27,850 | "Would you like me to numb it for you?" | "Would you like me to numb it for you?" |
457 | 00:20:27,950 | 00:20:29,351 | And she says, "Yes, please." | And she says, "Yes, please." |
458 | 00:20:29,451 | 00:20:31,311 | So he goes, "Ah, num, num, num. | So he goes, "Ah, num, num, num. |
459 | 00:20:31,411 | 00:20:33,747 | "Ah, num, num, num." | "Ah, num, num, num." |
460 | 00:20:37,167 | 00:20:40,278 | My doctor does that too. | My doctor does that too. |
461 | 00:20:40,378 | 00:20:42,464 | Is it Doctor... Do you see Doctor Rob? | Is it Doctor... Do you see Doctor Rob? |
462 | 00:20:49,220 | 00:20:52,056 | ♪ This is my time... | ♪ This is my time... |
463 | 00:20:55,184 | 00:20:57,878 | Yeah! Yeah! | Yeah! Yeah! |
464 | 00:20:57,978 | 00:21:00,381 | ♪ Whoa-oh | ♪ Whoa-oh |
465 | 00:21:00,481 | 00:21:02,942 | ♪ Whoa-oh-oh | ♪ Whoa-oh-oh |
466 | 00:21:04,151 | 00:21:06,236 | ♪ Uh-huh | ♪ Uh-huh |
467 | 00:21:06,820 | 00:21:09,431 | ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh | ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh |
468 | 00:21:09,531 | 00:21:11,141 | ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh | ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh |
469 | 00:21:11,241 | 00:21:12,476 | One more time! | One more time! |
470 | 00:21:12,576 | 00:21:13,685 | You know, I could count | You know, I could count |
471 | 00:21:13,785 | 00:21:16,747 | the amount of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. | the amount of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. |
472 | 00:21:17,998 | 00:21:20,083 | Seven. | Seven. |
473 | 00:21:23,461 | 00:21:25,655 | I asked my North Korean friend how it was over there. | I asked my North Korean friend how it was over there. |
474 | 00:21:25,755 | 00:21:29,008 | He said he couldn't complain. | He said he couldn't complain. |
475 | 00:21:30,343 | 00:21:32,428 | You know that cyclist, Lance Armstrong? | You know that cyclist, Lance Armstrong? |
476 | 00:21:33,137 | 00:21:34,747 | Wasn't bad enough he was taking drugs, | Wasn't bad enough he was taking drugs, |
477 | 00:21:34,847 | 00:21:36,249 | but he was also pedalling. | but he was also pedalling. |
478 | 00:21:41,062 | 00:21:45,174 | The difference between a hippo and a Zippo | The difference between a hippo and a Zippo |
479 | 00:21:45,274 | 00:21:46,842 | is that one's very heavy... | is that one's very heavy... |
480 | 00:21:46,942 | 00:21:48,677 | ..and the other one's a little lighter. | ..and the other one's a little lighter. |
481 | 00:21:51,113 | 00:21:53,282 | Speaking of Lance Armstrong... Saw an interview with him. | Speaking of Lance Armstrong... Saw an interview with him. |
482 | 00:21:54,616 | 00:21:55,893 | He was lying that much | He was lying that much |
483 | 00:21:55,993 | 00:21:58,020 | I'm starting to doubt if he ever did land on the moon. | I'm starting to doubt if he ever did land on the moon. |
484 | 00:21:58,120 | 00:22:00,897 | Hmm. | Hmm. |
485 | 00:22:06,252 | 00:22:08,655 | You have to hand it to blind prostitutes. | You have to hand it to blind prostitutes. |
486 | 00:22:08,755 | 00:22:11,466 | ♪ You can't get enough Too many mouths to feed | ♪ You can't get enough Too many mouths to feed |
487 | 00:22:12,508 | 00:22:13,618 | ♪ Ain't life tough | ♪ Ain't life tough |
488 | 00:22:13,718 | 00:22:15,803 | ♪ Call this survival | ♪ Call this survival |
489 | 00:22:16,345 | 00:22:18,681 | ♪ Don't pray for a sign... ♪ | ♪ Don't pray for a sign... ♪ |
490 | 00:22:20,099 | 00:22:22,293 | Irish guy goes to a job at a building site. | Irish guy goes to a job at a building site. |
491 | 00:22:22,393 | 00:22:23,836 | The foreman says, "I'll do an IQ test. | The foreman says, "I'll do an IQ test. |
492 | 00:22:23,936 | 00:22:26,297 | "What's black and leather and got five fingers?" | "What's black and leather and got five fingers?" |
493 | 00:22:26,397 | 00:22:29,467 | He said, "Black leather, five fingers... Ooh, I don't know." | He said, "Black leather, five fingers... Ooh, I don't know." |
494 | 00:22:29,567 | 00:22:31,093 | He says, "A glove, Paddy." | He says, "A glove, Paddy." |
495 | 00:22:31,193 | 00:22:33,487 | He says, "Oh, of course. Jeez, I'm stupid." | He says, "Oh, of course. Jeez, I'm stupid." |
496 | 00:22:34,571 | 00:22:36,515 | "OK, what's black leather, got 10 fingers?" | "OK, what's black leather, got 10 fingers?" |
497 | 00:22:36,615 | 00:22:38,559 | He says, "Black leather...10 fingers. | He says, "Black leather...10 fingers. |
498 | 00:22:38,659 | 00:22:40,852 | "Black... Ooh, I wouldn't have a clue." | "Black... Ooh, I wouldn't have a clue." |
499 | 00:22:40,952 | 00:22:42,521 | "Two gloves, Paddy. " | "Two gloves, Paddy. " |
500 | 00:22:42,621 | 00:22:44,147 | He goes, "For God's sake, of course. | He goes, "For God's sake, of course. |
501 | 00:22:44,247 | 00:22:45,816 | "I'm an idiot, total idiot." | "I'm an idiot, total idiot." |
502 | 00:22:45,916 | 00:22:47,943 | He says, " Come on, let's try something else. | He says, " Come on, let's try something else. |
503 | 00:22:48,043 | 00:22:50,070 | "Who's the President of the United States of America?" | "Who's the President of the United States of America?" |
504 | 00:22:50,170 | 00:22:52,614 | He goes, "President of the United States... | He goes, "President of the United States... |
505 | 00:22:52,714 | 00:22:53,656 | "President..." | "President..." |
506 | 00:22:53,756 | 00:22:55,116 | He says, "It wouldn't be three gloves, Benny?" | He says, "It wouldn't be three gloves, Benny?" |
507 | 00:22:59,887 | 00:23:03,624 | There's these three people who are in training to be CIA. | There's these three people who are in training to be CIA. |
508 | 00:23:03,724 | 00:23:04,667 | Yeah? | Yeah? |
509 | 00:23:04,767 | 00:23:06,711 | And they got to their final test, | And they got to their final test, |
510 | 00:23:06,811 | 00:23:10,172 | to see who's gonna go through and become CIA. | to see who's gonna go through and become CIA. |
511 | 00:23:10,272 | 00:23:11,715 | First guy... | First guy... |
512 | 00:23:11,815 | 00:23:15,511 | The CIA say to him...they give him a handgun and say, | The CIA say to him...they give him a handgun and say, |
513 | 00:23:15,611 | 00:23:17,846 | "We wanna see how committed you are. | "We wanna see how committed you are. |
514 | 00:23:17,946 | 00:23:20,908 | "Want you to go into that room, shoot your wife." | "Want you to go into that room, shoot your wife." |
515 | 00:23:22,242 | 00:23:24,686 | And he..."Are you committed?" "Yeah, I'm committed." | And he..."Are you committed?" "Yeah, I'm committed." |
516 | 00:23:24,786 | 00:23:27,064 | He goes in, there's no noise for a while... | He goes in, there's no noise for a while... |
517 | 00:23:27,164 | 00:23:28,815 | Then he comes back out | Then he comes back out |
518 | 00:23:28,915 | 00:23:31,026 | and he has tears down his face, you know? | and he has tears down his face, you know? |
519 | 00:23:31,126 | 00:23:33,445 | He goes, "I can't kill her. I cannot. | He goes, "I can't kill her. I cannot. |
520 | 00:23:33,545 | 00:23:36,072 | "I can't be in the CIA." | "I can't be in the CIA." |
521 | 00:23:36,172 | 00:23:39,133 | You know? "Good." He goes. | You know? "Good." He goes. |
522 | 00:23:40,134 | 00:23:41,327 | Next guy comes up. | Next guy comes up. |
523 | 00:23:41,427 | 00:23:43,496 | Say, "We need to check how committed you are | Say, "We need to check how committed you are |
524 | 00:23:43,596 | 00:23:44,872 | "about being in the CIA. | "about being in the CIA. |
525 | 00:23:44,972 | 00:23:48,000 | "Want you to go in there. Here's a handgun. | "Want you to go in there. Here's a handgun. |
526 | 00:23:48,100 | 00:23:50,186 | "You're gonna shoot your son." | "You're gonna shoot your son." |
527 | 00:23:51,062 | 00:23:53,214 | Goes, "Yep, alright. I'm committed." | Goes, "Yep, alright. I'm committed." |
528 | 00:23:53,314 | 00:23:58,135 | Goes in there, can hear a bit of talking, bit of whimpering, | Goes in there, can hear a bit of talking, bit of whimpering, |
529 | 00:23:58,235 | 00:24:01,055 | and then he comes out, "I can't. He's me son! | and then he comes out, "I can't. He's me son! |
530 | 00:24:01,155 | 00:24:03,432 | "He's me life! He's me fucking life. | "He's me life! He's me fucking life. |
531 | 00:24:03,532 | 00:24:04,766 | "Nothing's more important." | "Nothing's more important." |
532 | 00:24:04,866 | 00:24:06,685 | "Yeah, alright, mate. OK." | "Yeah, alright, mate. OK." |
533 | 00:24:09,079 | 00:24:10,480 | Next one's a woman. | Next one's a woman. |
534 | 00:24:10,580 | 00:24:13,316 | They said, "We need to know how committed you are to the CIA. | They said, "We need to know how committed you are to the CIA. |
535 | 00:24:13,416 | 00:24:14,484 | "Here's a handgun. | "Here's a handgun. |
536 | 00:24:14,584 | 00:24:15,652 | "You're gonna go into that room - | "You're gonna go into that room - |
537 | 00:24:15,752 | 00:24:16,903 | "you're gonna shoot your husband. | "you're gonna shoot your husband. |
538 | 00:24:17,003 | 00:24:18,363 | "You know, are you committed?" | "You know, are you committed?" |
539 | 00:24:18,463 | 00:24:19,614 | She's like, "I'm committed." | She's like, "I'm committed." |
540 | 00:24:19,714 | 00:24:21,866 | She goes in, shut the door. | She goes in, shut the door. |
541 | 00:24:21,966 | 00:24:26,037 | Hear... | Hear... |
542 | 00:24:26,137 | 00:24:28,539 | And then a lot of bang! Bang! | And then a lot of bang! Bang! |
543 | 00:24:28,639 | 00:24:30,958 | It's just bang, bang, noise... | It's just bang, bang, noise... |
544 | 00:24:31,058 | 00:24:32,543 | Until it's quiet. | Until it's quiet. |
545 | 00:24:32,643 | 00:24:33,628 | She comes in. | She comes in. |
546 | 00:24:33,728 | 00:24:36,172 | She says, "I didn't know you had fucking blanks in the gun. | She says, "I didn't know you had fucking blanks in the gun. |
547 | 00:24:36,272 | 00:24:38,340 | "I had to finish him off with a chair!" | "I had to finish him off with a chair!" |
548 | 00:24:42,778 | 00:24:44,863 | Yeah. | Yeah. |
549 | 00:24:46,240 | 00:24:48,325 | ♪ Seen them tumble it down | ♪ Seen them tumble it down |
550 | 00:24:50,619 | 00:24:54,147 | ♪ I've seen red rivers, fire and steel | ♪ I've seen red rivers, fire and steel |
551 | 00:24:54,247 | 00:24:57,751 | ♪ I feel the thunder chained to the wheel | ♪ I feel the thunder chained to the wheel |
552 | 00:24:58,918 | 00:25:01,946 | ♪ I heard the legend, I watched skies... ♪ | ♪ I heard the legend, I watched skies... ♪ |
553 | 00:25:02,046 | 00:25:03,364 | This mate of mine, he's a bit of a stoner. | This mate of mine, he's a bit of a stoner. |
554 | 00:25:03,464 | 00:25:05,283 | - Right. - So I was with him in the car, | - Right. - So I was with him in the car, |
555 | 00:25:05,383 | 00:25:06,951 | and we got kind of pulled over by the cops, | and we got kind of pulled over by the cops, |
556 | 00:25:07,051 | 00:25:08,911 | and he'd done, like, 10 bongs before we got in the car. | and he'd done, like, 10 bongs before we got in the car. |
557 | 00:25:09,011 | 00:25:11,456 | He didn't think he was gonna get drug tested, or whatever. | He didn't think he was gonna get drug tested, or whatever. |
558 | 00:25:11,556 | 00:25:13,541 | So the cop kind of, you know, looks in at him | So the cop kind of, you know, looks in at him |
559 | 00:25:13,641 | 00:25:15,376 | and he's like that, you know? | and he's like that, you know? |
560 | 00:25:15,476 | 00:25:18,129 | And the cop says, "Have you been taking any drugs?" | And the cop says, "Have you been taking any drugs?" |
561 | 00:25:18,229 | 00:25:19,505 | He smiles. | He smiles. |
562 | 00:25:19,605 | 00:25:22,132 | He knocks on the window again and he goes, | He knocks on the window again and he goes, |
563 | 00:25:22,232 | 00:25:24,301 | "How high are you?" | "How high are you?" |
564 | 00:25:24,401 | 00:25:26,887 | And my mate goes, "Ah, you fucked that up, mate. | And my mate goes, "Ah, you fucked that up, mate. |
565 | 00:25:26,987 | 00:25:29,765 | "You're supposed to say, 'Hi. How are you?'" | "You're supposed to say, 'Hi. How are you?'" |
566 | 00:25:34,578 | 00:25:36,104 | ♪ Oh, man | ♪ Oh, man |
567 | 00:25:36,204 | 00:25:38,290 | ♪ Chained to the wheel | ♪ Chained to the wheel |
568 | 00:25:40,792 | 00:25:42,877 | ♪ You know you'll find me, baby | ♪ You know you'll find me, baby |
569 | 00:25:43,878 | 00:25:47,282 | ♪ Ow! ♪ | ♪ Ow! ♪ |
570 | 00:26:04,148 | 00:26:06,258 | This guy's soon to be married. | This guy's soon to be married. |
571 | 00:26:06,358 | 00:26:09,845 | Dearly loves his partner...fiancee. | Dearly loves his partner...fiancee. |
572 | 00:26:09,945 | 00:26:11,346 | Wants to do nothing wrong by her. | Wants to do nothing wrong by her. |
573 | 00:26:11,446 | 00:26:13,932 | Lived a very decent life, as has she. | Lived a very decent life, as has she. |
574 | 00:26:14,032 | 00:26:15,767 | But his mates wanna throw a bucks' night. | But his mates wanna throw a bucks' night. |
575 | 00:26:15,867 | 00:26:18,103 | So they throw a bucks' night, and they get this girl... | So they throw a bucks' night, and they get this girl... |
576 | 00:26:18,203 | 00:26:19,855 | They've paid her the top dollar. | They've paid her the top dollar. |
577 | 00:26:19,955 | 00:26:21,857 | They booked the platinum package. He's unaware of it. | They booked the platinum package. He's unaware of it. |
578 | 00:26:21,957 | 00:26:24,067 | Anyway, he's never been with a woman. | Anyway, he's never been with a woman. |
579 | 00:26:24,167 | 00:26:26,653 | The night happens, they bring her out, they strip him naked. | The night happens, they bring her out, they strip him naked. |
580 | 00:26:26,753 | 00:26:28,530 | She's doing a dance. Everyone's having a great time. | She's doing a dance. Everyone's having a great time. |
581 | 00:26:28,630 | 00:26:30,740 | She's up on the table. He's getting excited. | She's up on the table. He's getting excited. |
582 | 00:26:30,840 | 00:26:31,783 | He doesn't know what to do. | He doesn't know what to do. |
583 | 00:26:31,883 | 00:26:32,992 | And she gets up on the table, | And she gets up on the table, |
584 | 00:26:33,092 | 00:26:35,078 | and all his friends pick up the table, they're having a ball. | and all his friends pick up the table, they're having a ball. |
585 | 00:26:35,178 | 00:26:37,413 | But they lose grip of the table. Leg snaps, it goes off sideways. | But they lose grip of the table. Leg snaps, it goes off sideways. |
586 | 00:26:37,513 | 00:26:40,374 | She comes off and breaks the erectile tissue in his penis. | She comes off and breaks the erectile tissue in his penis. |
587 | 00:26:40,474 | 00:26:41,667 | - Ah! - Ooh... | - Ah! - Ooh... |
588 | 00:26:41,767 | 00:26:42,877 | Bad night out for Trev. | Bad night out for Trev. |
589 | 00:26:42,977 | 00:26:45,421 | So...next morning, the day of the wedding, | So...next morning, the day of the wedding, |
590 | 00:26:45,521 | 00:26:47,256 | he goes to the doctor and says "I've... | he goes to the doctor and says "I've... |
591 | 00:26:47,356 | 00:26:49,216 | "I don't know what to do. It's got a bend in it. | "I don't know what to do. It's got a bend in it. |
592 | 00:26:49,316 | 00:26:51,385 | "I didn't even know if it has a bone." | "I didn't even know if it has a bone." |
593 | 00:26:51,485 | 00:26:53,429 | He goes, "It doesn't have a bone. It's erectile tissue." | He goes, "It doesn't have a bone. It's erectile tissue." |
594 | 00:26:53,529 | 00:26:55,472 | He goes, "It's crooked. What can you do? | He goes, "It's crooked. What can you do? |
595 | 00:26:55,572 | 00:26:58,517 | "I can't have my wife see this. I didn't want this. | "I can't have my wife see this. I didn't want this. |
596 | 00:26:58,617 | 00:26:59,643 | "They made me drink... " | "They made me drink... " |
597 | 00:26:59,743 | 00:27:01,728 | He said, "Look, all I can do... There's nothing else I can do, | He said, "Look, all I can do... There's nothing else I can do, |
598 | 00:27:01,828 | 00:27:02,979 | but we've gotta get on to this - | but we've gotta get on to this - |
599 | 00:27:03,079 | 00:27:04,189 | "otherwise it will be at right angles | "otherwise it will be at right angles |
600 | 00:27:04,289 | 00:27:05,232 | "for the rest of your life." | "for the rest of your life." |
601 | 00:27:05,332 | 00:27:06,900 | He said, "Unless you wanna have sex around corners, | He said, "Unless you wanna have sex around corners, |
602 | 00:27:07,000 | 00:27:08,360 | "or you lay on the floor and she stays on the bed | "or you lay on the floor and she stays on the bed |
603 | 00:27:08,460 | 00:27:09,402 | "and around it goes." | "and around it goes." |
604 | 00:27:09,502 | 00:27:10,612 | He said, "We're gonna have to... | He said, "We're gonna have to... |
605 | 00:27:10,712 | 00:27:12,238 | "All I can do is traditional - put it in a splint." | "All I can do is traditional - put it in a splint." |
606 | 00:27:12,338 | 00:27:14,199 | So they get a few bits of wood, | So they get a few bits of wood, |
607 | 00:27:14,299 | 00:27:16,075 | he puts it either side and he straps it up. | he puts it either side and he straps it up. |
608 | 00:27:16,175 | 00:27:17,118 | He said, "That's all I can do, | He said, "That's all I can do, |
609 | 00:27:17,218 | 00:27:19,787 | "and it's gonna have to stay like that for about 48 hours." | "and it's gonna have to stay like that for about 48 hours." |
610 | 00:27:19,887 | 00:27:21,205 | He doesn't know what to do. | He doesn't know what to do. |
611 | 00:27:21,305 | 00:27:22,874 | So the wedding happens - it's great. | So the wedding happens - it's great. |
612 | 00:27:22,974 | 00:27:24,458 | The reception, fantastic. | The reception, fantastic. |
613 | 00:27:24,558 | 00:27:25,918 | Back they go to the room. | Back they go to the room. |
614 | 00:27:26,018 | 00:27:28,212 | It's time for the...what happens, you know. First night. | It's time for the...what happens, you know. First night. |
615 | 00:27:28,312 | 00:27:30,422 | Finish the marriage off properly. | Finish the marriage off properly. |
616 | 00:27:30,522 | 00:27:32,091 | She goes in. She's in there getting ready. | She goes in. She's in there getting ready. |
617 | 00:27:32,191 | 00:27:34,051 | And he's thinking, "What am I gonna do? What I gonna do?" | And he's thinking, "What am I gonna do? What I gonna do?" |
618 | 00:27:34,151 | 00:27:35,636 | He's down to his underpants, | He's down to his underpants, |
619 | 00:27:35,736 | 00:27:36,845 | but he's got the two splints | but he's got the two splints |
620 | 00:27:36,945 | 00:27:38,055 | and the bit of bandaging around it. | and the bit of bandaging around it. |
621 | 00:27:38,155 | 00:27:40,307 | And she comes out with a robe, walks out, | And she comes out with a robe, walks out, |
622 | 00:27:40,407 | 00:27:41,558 | and she looks beautiful. | and she looks beautiful. |
623 | 00:27:41,658 | 00:27:43,435 | Takes the robe off and drops it and says, | Takes the robe off and drops it and says, |
624 | 00:27:43,535 | 00:27:45,937 | "Darling, as you know, I've been with you for 10 years, | "Darling, as you know, I've been with you for 10 years, |
625 | 00:27:46,037 | 00:27:48,315 | "and I've saved myself for you, and you alone. | "and I've saved myself for you, and you alone. |
626 | 00:27:48,415 | 00:27:51,901 | "No-one ever has been near my private... It's for you." | "No-one ever has been near my private... It's for you." |
627 | 00:27:52,001 | 00:27:53,403 | He thinks, "Here's my chance." | He thinks, "Here's my chance." |
628 | 00:27:53,503 | 00:27:55,905 | He goes, "You reckon that's good?" Bang! | He goes, "You reckon that's good?" Bang! |
629 | 00:27:56,005 | 00:27:58,283 | "This isn't even out of the crate yet!" | "This isn't even out of the crate yet!" |
630 | 00:28:03,262 | 00:28:05,348 | The old broken wang story. | The old broken wang story. |
631 | 00:28:06,390 | 00:28:07,959 | ♪ All I really need to know | ♪ All I really need to know |
632 | 00:28:08,059 | 00:28:09,669 | ♪ Is you and me are good to go | ♪ Is you and me are good to go |
633 | 00:28:09,769 | 00:28:11,629 | ♪ Riding down a summer road | ♪ Riding down a summer road |
634 | 00:28:11,729 | 00:28:13,881 | ♪ Oh-oh-oh... ♪ | ♪ Oh-oh-oh... ♪ |
635 | 00:28:13,981 | 00:28:16,008 | This guy's up north, and he walking past. | This guy's up north, and he walking past. |
636 | 00:28:16,108 | 00:28:17,760 | - He's in Darwin, right. - Yep, yep, yep. | - He's in Darwin, right. - Yep, yep, yep. |
637 | 00:28:17,860 | 00:28:19,595 | He's walking past, and he sees this sign, and it says, | He's walking past, and he sees this sign, and it says, |
638 | 00:28:19,695 | 00:28:21,638 | "Convention" - "Ghost Convention". | "Convention" - "Ghost Convention". |
639 | 00:28:21,738 | 00:28:23,307 | So he says, "Oh, ghost convention?" | So he says, "Oh, ghost convention?" |
640 | 00:28:23,407 | 00:28:24,558 | So he's gone in to check it out. | So he's gone in to check it out. |
641 | 00:28:24,658 | 00:28:26,143 | There's a guy up on stage, all serious. | There's a guy up on stage, all serious. |
642 | 00:28:26,243 | 00:28:27,185 | He goes, "Right! | He goes, "Right! |
643 | 00:28:27,285 | 00:28:28,979 | "Anyone out there that's ever seen a ghost in their life, | "Anyone out there that's ever seen a ghost in their life, |
644 | 00:28:29,079 | 00:28:30,021 | "put up your hand!" | "put up your hand!" |
645 | 00:28:30,121 | 00:28:32,190 | About 800 people put up their hand, going, "Yeah, we have." | About 800 people put up their hand, going, "Yeah, we have." |
646 | 00:28:32,290 | 00:28:34,709 | "Be quiet. We got a lot to get through." | "Be quiet. We got a lot to get through." |
647 | 00:28:35,752 | 00:28:37,695 | "Anyone out there that's never seen a ghost, say no." | "Anyone out there that's never seen a ghost, say no." |
648 | 00:28:37,795 | 00:28:39,447 | About 500 people put up their hand. | About 500 people put up their hand. |
649 | 00:28:39,547 | 00:28:40,907 | They're all going like this. | They're all going like this. |
650 | 00:28:41,007 | 00:28:42,784 | He says, "Be quiet - we got a lot to get through." | He says, "Be quiet - we got a lot to get through." |
651 | 00:28:42,884 | 00:28:44,619 | "Anyone ever seen a naked ghost?" | "Anyone ever seen a naked ghost?" |
652 | 00:28:44,719 | 00:28:46,704 | About 200 of them probably put up their hand. | About 200 of them probably put up their hand. |
653 | 00:28:46,804 | 00:28:48,414 | Going, "Oh, yeah, we have." | Going, "Oh, yeah, we have." |
654 | 00:28:48,514 | 00:28:50,541 | He said, "Be quiet - we got a lot to get through." | He said, "Be quiet - we got a lot to get through." |
655 | 00:28:50,641 | 00:28:52,543 | "Anyone ever had sex with a ghost?" | "Anyone ever had sex with a ghost?" |
656 | 00:28:52,643 | 00:28:54,045 | Place goes dead quiet. | Place goes dead quiet. |
657 | 00:28:54,145 | 00:28:55,963 | All of a sudden, one bloke up the back puts up his hand | All of a sudden, one bloke up the back puts up his hand |
658 | 00:28:56,063 | 00:28:57,214 | and says, "Yeah, I have." | and says, "Yeah, I have." |
659 | 00:28:57,314 | 00:28:59,008 | He says, "What's your name?" He says, "Barry." | He says, "What's your name?" He says, "Barry." |
660 | 00:28:59,108 | 00:29:00,676 | He says, "Barry, come up on the stage. | He says, "Barry, come up on the stage. |
661 | 00:29:00,776 | 00:29:02,511 | "Now, tell me, and tell the crowd - | "Now, tell me, and tell the crowd - |
662 | 00:29:02,611 | 00:29:04,304 | "what's it like to have sex with a ghost?" | "what's it like to have sex with a ghost?" |
663 | 00:29:04,404 | 00:29:06,598 | He said, "Ghost? I thought you said 'goat'." | He said, "Ghost? I thought you said 'goat'." |
664 | 00:29:13,997 | 00:29:16,441 | The head of the Japanese air force comes out | The head of the Japanese air force comes out |
665 | 00:29:16,541 | 00:29:19,402 | and addresses all of the Japanese pilots | and addresses all of the Japanese pilots |
666 | 00:29:19,502 | 00:29:22,280 | towards the end of the Second World War, and he says, | towards the end of the Second World War, and he says, |
667 | 00:29:22,380 | 00:29:25,842 | "Men...you must go now to your Zero aeroplanes... | "Men...you must go now to your Zero aeroplanes... |
668 | 00:29:27,051 | 00:29:28,453 | "..and you must get in the planes, | "..and you must get in the planes, |
669 | 00:29:28,553 | 00:29:30,788 | "which have been loaded with TNT. | "which have been loaded with TNT. |
670 | 00:29:30,888 | 00:29:33,457 | "You must fly out, over the Pacific, | "You must fly out, over the Pacific, |
671 | 00:29:33,557 | 00:29:37,420 | "and smash your aeroplanes into the American fleet, | "and smash your aeroplanes into the American fleet, |
672 | 00:29:37,520 | 00:29:40,506 | "sinking the ships and saving Japan. | "sinking the ships and saving Japan. |
673 | 00:29:40,606 | 00:29:43,717 | "You will be known as... the kamikaze. | "You will be known as... the kamikaze. |
674 | 00:29:43,817 | 00:29:47,012 | "Now, before you go... are there any questions?" | "Now, before you go... are there any questions?" |
675 | 00:29:47,112 | 00:29:49,515 | And one little pilot at the back shouts... | And one little pilot at the back shouts... |
676 | 00:29:49,615 | 00:29:53,101 | "Are there any fucking questions?!" | "Are there any fucking questions?!" |
677 | 00:29:58,456 | 00:30:01,067 | So there's a blonde standing on one side of the river, | So there's a blonde standing on one side of the river, |
678 | 00:30:01,167 | 00:30:02,569 | and another blonde | and another blonde |
679 | 00:30:02,669 | 00:30:04,571 | standing way over the other side of the river. | standing way over the other side of the river. |
680 | 00:30:04,671 | 00:30:06,197 | And the first blonde shouts out, | And the first blonde shouts out, |
681 | 00:30:06,297 | 00:30:09,617 | "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" | "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" |
682 | 00:30:09,717 | 00:30:12,136 | And the other blonde shouts back... | And the other blonde shouts back... |
683 | 00:30:13,179 | 00:30:14,956 | .."You are on the other side!" | .."You are on the other side!" |
684 | 00:30:15,056 | 00:30:17,683 | That's nice. | That's nice. |
685 | 00:30:56,846 | 00:31:00,875 | ♪ I spent the summer with my North Coast girlfriend | ♪ I spent the summer with my North Coast girlfriend |
686 | 00:31:00,975 | 00:31:04,670 | ♪ The aftermath of a psychotic reaction | ♪ The aftermath of a psychotic reaction |
687 | 00:31:04,770 | 00:31:08,883 | ♪ I split the city and my soul called good friends | ♪ I split the city and my soul called good friends |
688 | 00:31:08,983 | 00:31:12,886 | ♪ I've been afflicted by a coastal attraction | ♪ I've been afflicted by a coastal attraction |
689 | 00:31:12,986 | 00:31:16,974 | ♪ We stopped in craft markets looking for potions | ♪ We stopped in craft markets looking for potions |
690 | 00:31:17,074 | 00:31:21,019 | ♪ We take our leather jackets down to the ocean | ♪ We take our leather jackets down to the ocean |
691 | 00:31:21,119 | 00:31:25,649 | ♪ 'Cause things are sweeter with a side of emotions | ♪ 'Cause things are sweeter with a side of emotions |
692 | 00:31:25,749 | 00:31:29,402 | ♪ A million backpackers slapping on the lotion | ♪ A million backpackers slapping on the lotion |
693 | 00:31:29,502 | 00:31:34,073 | - ♪ Everything's amazing - ♪ Everything's amazing | - ♪ Everything's amazing - ♪ Everything's amazing |
694 | 00:31:34,173 | 00:31:35,950 | ♪ Oh, everything's incredible | ♪ Oh, everything's incredible |
695 | 00:31:36,050 | 00:31:38,536 | ♪ Everything's incredible... ♪ | ♪ Everything's incredible... ♪ |
696 | 00:31:38,636 | 00:31:40,788 | There was these four nuns, right? | There was these four nuns, right? |
697 | 00:31:40,888 | 00:31:43,332 | And they're driving a car, and they crash and they die, | And they're driving a car, and they crash and they die, |
698 | 00:31:43,432 | 00:31:44,375 | and they get up to Heaven, | and they get up to Heaven, |
699 | 00:31:44,475 | 00:31:45,876 | they start walking through Heaven's gate. | they start walking through Heaven's gate. |
700 | 00:31:45,976 | 00:31:46,919 | And St Peter's there going, | And St Peter's there going, |
701 | 00:31:47,019 | 00:31:48,754 | "Oh, hey...what are you doing? What are you doing?" | "Oh, hey...what are you doing? What are you doing?" |
702 | 00:31:48,854 | 00:31:50,297 | They go, "We're nuns. We're members." | They go, "We're nuns. We're members." |
703 | 00:31:50,397 | 00:31:51,840 | And St Peter's going, "No, no, no, no. | And St Peter's going, "No, no, no, no. |
704 | 00:31:51,940 | 00:31:53,342 | "You have to answer a question first." | "You have to answer a question first." |
705 | 00:31:53,442 | 00:31:55,260 | So the first nun comes up - St Peter goes, | So the first nun comes up - St Peter goes, |
706 | 00:31:55,360 | 00:31:56,637 | "Have you ever touched a man's penis? | "Have you ever touched a man's penis? |
707 | 00:31:56,737 | 00:31:58,972 | And the first nun goes, "Nah, nah. Never, never." | And the first nun goes, "Nah, nah. Never, never." |
708 | 00:31:59,072 | 00:32:00,599 | And St Peter goes, "Look, you can't lie to me. | And St Peter goes, "Look, you can't lie to me. |
709 | 00:32:00,699 | 00:32:01,934 | "I know everything. | "I know everything. |
710 | 00:32:02,034 | 00:32:04,603 | And the first nun goes, "Well...with this finger once." | And the first nun goes, "Well...with this finger once." |
711 | 00:32:04,703 | 00:32:07,856 | "I sort of gave one a bit of a prod...once, right?" | "I sort of gave one a bit of a prod...once, right?" |
712 | 00:32:07,956 | 00:32:10,025 | St Peter's, "Oh, fuck! | St Peter's, "Oh, fuck! |
713 | 00:32:10,125 | 00:32:12,736 | "Tell you what - wash it in holy water. | "Tell you what - wash it in holy water. |
714 | 00:32:12,836 | 00:32:14,612 | "You can come through." | "You can come through." |
715 | 00:32:14,712 | 00:32:15,780 | The second nun comes up. | The second nun comes up. |
716 | 00:32:15,880 | 00:32:17,740 | St Peter goes, "Have you ever touched a man's penis?" | St Peter goes, "Have you ever touched a man's penis?" |
717 | 00:32:17,840 | 00:32:20,535 | And the second nun goes, "Well, with this hand once. | And the second nun goes, "Well, with this hand once. |
718 | 00:32:20,635 | 00:32:22,745 | "I sort of gave one a bit of a... ..you know?" | "I sort of gave one a bit of a... ..you know?" |
719 | 00:32:24,180 | 00:32:25,623 | St Peter goes, "Fuck! | St Peter goes, "Fuck! |
720 | 00:32:25,723 | 00:32:27,959 | "Tell you what - wash it in holy water, | "Tell you what - wash it in holy water, |
721 | 00:32:28,059 | 00:32:29,168 | "and you can come through." | "and you can come through." |
722 | 00:32:29,268 | 00:32:31,087 | And the fourth nun jumps the queue, | And the fourth nun jumps the queue, |
723 | 00:32:31,187 | 00:32:32,755 | pushes the third nun out of the way, | pushes the third nun out of the way, |
724 | 00:32:32,855 | 00:32:35,090 | and St Peter's going, "What are you doing? What are doing?" | and St Peter's going, "What are you doing? What are doing?" |
725 | 00:32:35,190 | 00:32:36,842 | And the fourth nun goes, "Listen, mate - | And the fourth nun goes, "Listen, mate - |
726 | 00:32:36,942 | 00:32:38,302 | "if you think I'm gonna wash my mouth in that | "if you think I'm gonna wash my mouth in that |
727 | 00:32:38,402 | 00:32:39,928 | "after she's washed her arse in it, | "after she's washed her arse in it, |
728 | 00:32:40,028 | 00:32:41,430 | "you got another thing coming." | "you got another thing coming." |
729 | 00:32:43,323 | 00:32:45,892 | ♪ Everything's incredible... ♪ | ♪ Everything's incredible... ♪ |
730 | 00:32:45,992 | 00:32:48,078 | St Peter says fuck. | St Peter says fuck. |
731 | 00:32:49,329 | 00:32:51,106 | ♪ The pleasure's indescribable | ♪ The pleasure's indescribable |
732 | 00:32:51,206 | 00:32:54,359 | ♪ I'm pinning my survival on you... ♪ | ♪ I'm pinning my survival on you... ♪ |
733 | 00:33:00,632 | 00:33:03,159 | So a guy...he finds himself... | So a guy...he finds himself... |
734 | 00:33:03,259 | 00:33:04,369 | He's been sailing. | He's been sailing. |
735 | 00:33:04,469 | 00:33:07,288 | ..washed up on a deserted island. | ..washed up on a deserted island. |
736 | 00:33:07,388 | 00:33:09,749 | And he gets captured by a tribe. | And he gets captured by a tribe. |
737 | 00:33:09,849 | 00:33:14,253 | And the chief is there. He's not happy. | And the chief is there. He's not happy. |
738 | 00:33:14,353 | 00:33:16,005 | And he says to his captive, | And he says to his captive, |
739 | 00:33:16,105 | 00:33:18,924 | "You have...two choices! | "You have...two choices! |
740 | 00:33:19,024 | 00:33:20,134 | "One..." | "One..." |
741 | 00:33:20,234 | 00:33:21,719 | This is a good accent too. | This is a good accent too. |
742 | 00:33:21,819 | 00:33:23,095 | I was gonna say. Yeah, so far. | I was gonna say. Yeah, so far. |
743 | 00:33:23,195 | 00:33:25,681 | "One...is death. | "One...is death. |
744 | 00:33:25,781 | 00:33:28,100 | "Or two...is bunga-bunga!" | "Or two...is bunga-bunga!" |
745 | 00:33:29,743 | 00:33:32,270 | He's like, "Whoa. Death? | He's like, "Whoa. Death? |
746 | 00:33:32,370 | 00:33:33,939 | "I certainly don't want death. | "I certainly don't want death. |
747 | 00:33:34,039 | 00:33:36,107 | "Well, what's bunga-bunga?" | "Well, what's bunga-bunga?" |
748 | 00:33:36,207 | 00:33:38,360 | He said, "Oh, bunga-bunga... | He said, "Oh, bunga-bunga... |
749 | 00:33:38,460 | 00:33:44,115 | "..is when we all...ALL...all of us fuck you up the arse." | "..is when we all...ALL...all of us fuck you up the arse." |
750 | 00:33:45,591 | 00:33:48,995 | He's like, "Oh. Well, the other one's death. | He's like, "Oh. Well, the other one's death. |
751 | 00:33:49,095 | 00:33:51,180 | "I guess I'll go with bunga-bunga." | "I guess I'll go with bunga-bunga." |
752 | 00:33:52,056 | 00:33:54,500 | And so the chief addresses his tribe | And so the chief addresses his tribe |
753 | 00:33:54,600 | 00:33:56,043 | and he says, "OK! | and he says, "OK! |
754 | 00:33:56,143 | 00:33:57,837 | "It is death by bunga-bunga!" | "It is death by bunga-bunga!" |
755 | 00:33:59,647 | 00:34:02,383 | ♪ ..good times and your betrayals, and for what? | ♪ ..good times and your betrayals, and for what? |
756 | 00:34:02,483 | 00:34:05,694 | ♪ We'll never stop the rot We'll never stop the rot | ♪ We'll never stop the rot We'll never stop the rot |
757 | 00:34:07,237 | 00:34:09,097 | ♪ Hey | ♪ Hey |
758 | 00:34:09,197 | 00:34:11,783 | ♪ We went to northern New South Wales | ♪ We went to northern New South Wales |
759 | 00:34:12,784 | 00:34:14,561 | ♪ We booked a cabin, saw the whales | ♪ We booked a cabin, saw the whales |
760 | 00:34:14,661 | 00:34:15,854 | ♪ Thanks a lot | ♪ Thanks a lot |
761 | 00:34:15,954 | 00:34:17,105 | ♪ We'll never stop the rot | ♪ We'll never stop the rot |
762 | 00:34:17,205 | 00:34:18,940 | ♪ Can't tell you what we got | ♪ Can't tell you what we got |
763 | 00:34:19,040 | 00:34:21,126 | ♪ My confidence is shot... ♪ | ♪ My confidence is shot... ♪ |
764 | 00:34:21,960 | 00:34:24,946 | This guy and his wife, they've got a pet skunk, right? | This guy and his wife, they've got a pet skunk, right? |
765 | 00:34:25,046 | 00:34:27,323 | And, like, every day they walk this skunk. | And, like, every day they walk this skunk. |
766 | 00:34:27,423 | 00:34:28,992 | They love the skunk, right? | They love the skunk, right? |
767 | 00:34:29,092 | 00:34:31,119 | But they decide one day... | But they decide one day... |
768 | 00:34:31,219 | 00:34:32,370 | They're walking the skunk, | They're walking the skunk, |
769 | 00:34:32,470 | 00:34:35,164 | and they want to go to this pub for a drink. | and they want to go to this pub for a drink. |
770 | 00:34:35,264 | 00:34:38,459 | But there's this big sign up - 'no pets allowed'. | But there's this big sign up - 'no pets allowed'. |
771 | 00:34:38,559 | 00:34:40,544 | So the guy says to his wife, | So the guy says to his wife, |
772 | 00:34:40,644 | 00:34:43,088 | "Just put it down your pants. No-one will know." | "Just put it down your pants. No-one will know." |
773 | 00:34:43,188 | 00:34:45,507 | And she turns to her husband and says, | And she turns to her husband and says, |
774 | 00:34:45,607 | 00:34:47,760 | "But what about the smell?" | "But what about the smell?" |
775 | 00:34:47,860 | 00:34:50,012 | And he says, "Look, if it dies, it fucking dies." | And he says, "Look, if it dies, it fucking dies." |
776 | 00:34:53,824 | 00:34:56,268 | ♪ I try so hard to pin you down... | ♪ I try so hard to pin you down... |
777 | 00:34:57,619 | 00:34:58,812 | ♪ We'll never stop the rot. ♪ | ♪ We'll never stop the rot. ♪ |
778 | 00:35:02,207 | 00:35:04,818 | - Uh...you enjoy a good joke? - Yeah. | - Uh...you enjoy a good joke? - Yeah. |
779 | 00:35:04,918 | 00:35:06,319 | Yeah, I got one for you. | Yeah, I got one for you. |
780 | 00:35:06,419 | 00:35:07,987 | Just one I've had for a while now. | Just one I've had for a while now. |
781 | 00:35:08,087 | 00:35:09,781 | This rather slow-thinking fella | This rather slow-thinking fella |
782 | 00:35:09,881 | 00:35:11,783 | hadn't been to the toilet for a week, | hadn't been to the toilet for a week, |
783 | 00:35:11,883 | 00:35:14,243 | and, uh...he goes to see the local doctor, | and, uh...he goes to see the local doctor, |
784 | 00:35:14,343 | 00:35:16,454 | and tells the doctor, and the doctor says, | and tells the doctor, and the doctor says, |
785 | 00:35:16,554 | 00:35:18,122 | "Look, I'll prescribe these capsules. | "Look, I'll prescribe these capsules. |
786 | 00:35:18,222 | 00:35:19,707 | "I want you to go home | "I want you to go home |
787 | 00:35:19,807 | 00:35:21,500 | "and put one in your back passage each day, | "and put one in your back passage each day, |
788 | 00:35:21,600 | 00:35:22,918 | "and come and see me in a week's time." | "and come and see me in a week's time." |
789 | 00:35:23,018 | 00:35:23,961 | OK. | OK. |
790 | 00:35:24,061 | 00:35:25,421 | Bloke goes back in a week's time. | Bloke goes back in a week's time. |
791 | 00:35:25,521 | 00:35:27,965 | He's all swollen up in the face and bloated in the stomach, | He's all swollen up in the face and bloated in the stomach, |
792 | 00:35:28,065 | 00:35:29,341 | and the doctor said, "How'd you go?" | and the doctor said, "How'd you go?" |
793 | 00:35:29,441 | 00:35:31,009 | He said...he said, "No good." | He said...he said, "No good." |
794 | 00:35:31,109 | 00:35:33,345 | He said, "I haven't had a shit for another week." | He said, "I haven't had a shit for another week." |
795 | 00:35:33,445 | 00:35:34,513 | The doctor says, "That's strange." | The doctor says, "That's strange." |
796 | 00:35:34,613 | 00:35:37,391 | He said, "Did you put those capsules in your back passage?" | He said, "Did you put those capsules in your back passage?" |
797 | 00:35:37,491 | 00:35:39,059 | - Mm-hm. - He says, "Yeah. | - Mm-hm. - He says, "Yeah. |
798 | 00:35:39,159 | 00:35:41,728 | "I put 'em in the back passage, the front passage, | "I put 'em in the back passage, the front passage, |
799 | 00:35:41,828 | 00:35:42,979 | "the lounge room..." | "the lounge room..." |
800 | 00:35:43,079 | 00:35:44,522 | He said, "I even put one on the veranda, | He said, "I even put one on the veranda, |
801 | 00:35:44,622 | 00:35:45,857 | "and for all the good they've done me, | "and for all the good they've done me, |
802 | 00:35:45,957 | 00:35:47,317 | "I may as well have shoved 'em up me arse!" | "I may as well have shoved 'em up me arse!" |
803 | 00:35:58,594 | 00:36:00,121 | - OK. - OK. | - OK. - OK. |
804 | 00:36:00,221 | 00:36:04,583 | Young lady goes into a pet shop. Another pet shop. | Young lady goes into a pet shop. Another pet shop. |
805 | 00:36:04,683 | 00:36:07,044 | She goes in and the pet shop owner comes up and goes, | She goes in and the pet shop owner comes up and goes, |
806 | 00:36:07,144 | 00:36:08,170 | "Are you OK?" | "Are you OK?" |
807 | 00:36:08,270 | 00:36:10,464 | She goes, "Oh, I'm kind of a bit lonely and I want... | She goes, "Oh, I'm kind of a bit lonely and I want... |
808 | 00:36:10,564 | 00:36:12,675 | "I'm looking for a dog, little puppies, kinda cute. | "I'm looking for a dog, little puppies, kinda cute. |
809 | 00:36:12,775 | 00:36:14,009 | "Looking for kittens. I'm not sure." | "Looking for kittens. I'm not sure." |
810 | 00:36:14,109 | 00:36:15,636 | And he goes, "I've got just the thing for you | And he goes, "I've got just the thing for you |
811 | 00:36:15,736 | 00:36:16,720 | "if you are, in fact, lonely." | "if you are, in fact, lonely." |
812 | 00:36:16,820 | 00:36:18,680 | And he brings out this little frog. | And he brings out this little frog. |
813 | 00:36:18,780 | 00:36:20,140 | She goes, "Oh. Frog. I'm not sure..." | She goes, "Oh. Frog. I'm not sure..." |
814 | 00:36:20,240 | 00:36:22,325 | And he goes, "No, no, I'll just tell you. | And he goes, "No, no, I'll just tell you. |
815 | 00:36:22,951 | 00:36:26,479 | "This frog gives the best oral sex in the world." | "This frog gives the best oral sex in the world." |
816 | 00:36:26,579 | 00:36:28,898 | And she goes, "Oh. Does it?" | And she goes, "Oh. Does it?" |
817 | 00:36:28,998 | 00:36:30,900 | And he goes, "But of course if you want to get the puppy dog, | And he goes, "But of course if you want to get the puppy dog, |
818 | 00:36:31,000 | 00:36:32,068 | "if you want to get a kitten..." | "if you want to get a kitten..." |
819 | 00:36:32,168 | 00:36:34,195 | "No, no, no, I might take the frog. Thank you very much." | "No, no, no, I might take the frog. Thank you very much." |
820 | 00:36:34,295 | 00:36:35,864 | So she purchases the frog, she takes it home, | So she purchases the frog, she takes it home, |
821 | 00:36:35,964 | 00:36:38,199 | she strips off, she gets on the bed, straight into it. | she strips off, she gets on the bed, straight into it. |
822 | 00:36:38,299 | 00:36:41,536 | And puts the frog down, front and centre, between the legs, | And puts the frog down, front and centre, between the legs, |
823 | 00:36:41,636 | 00:36:43,120 | and waits. | and waits. |
824 | 00:36:43,220 | 00:36:44,872 | Nothing happens. | Nothing happens. |
825 | 00:36:44,972 | 00:36:46,791 | She waits and waits. Still nothing happens. | She waits and waits. Still nothing happens. |
826 | 00:36:46,891 | 00:36:48,376 | She gets on the phone, she rings up the pet shop, | She gets on the phone, she rings up the pet shop, |
827 | 00:36:48,476 | 00:36:49,960 | she goes, "Ah, I got the frog. I did all the thing. | she goes, "Ah, I got the frog. I did all the thing. |
828 | 00:36:50,060 | 00:36:51,462 | "I got it ready. And it's not doing a thing." | "I got it ready. And it's not doing a thing." |
829 | 00:36:51,562 | 00:36:52,838 | The pet shop says, "Where do you live? | The pet shop says, "Where do you live? |
830 | 00:36:52,938 | 00:36:54,089 | "I'll come straight over." | "I'll come straight over." |
831 | 00:36:54,189 | 00:36:55,758 | He's there within 10 minutes. | He's there within 10 minutes. |
832 | 00:36:55,858 | 00:36:57,092 | "Alright," and he comes in and he goes, | "Alright," and he comes in and he goes, |
833 | 00:36:57,192 | 00:36:58,886 | "OK. Show me exactly what you tried to do." | "OK. Show me exactly what you tried to do." |
834 | 00:36:58,986 | 00:37:01,805 | So the woman strips naked, down on the bed, spreads the legs, | So the woman strips naked, down on the bed, spreads the legs, |
835 | 00:37:01,905 | 00:37:04,016 | puts the frog down between the legs, and goes, "See? | puts the frog down between the legs, and goes, "See? |
836 | 00:37:04,116 | 00:37:06,101 | "Absolutely nothing is happening." | "Absolutely nothing is happening." |
837 | 00:37:06,201 | 00:37:08,812 | Pet shop owner goes over, leans into the frog and goes, "OK! | Pet shop owner goes over, leans into the frog and goes, "OK! |
838 | 00:37:08,912 | 00:37:11,439 | "I'll show you this one more time." | "I'll show you this one more time." |
839 | 00:37:15,710 | 00:37:18,988 | Ah, there's a guy, he brings his dog in | Ah, there's a guy, he brings his dog in |
840 | 00:37:19,088 | 00:37:22,825 | and he says to the barman, he says, | and he says to the barman, he says, |
841 | 00:37:22,925 | 00:37:25,578 | "I'll bet you that my dog can talk | "I'll bet you that my dog can talk |
842 | 00:37:25,678 | 00:37:28,039 | "but you have to shout me the night. | "but you have to shout me the night. |
843 | 00:37:28,139 | 00:37:29,790 | "I get to drink for free all night | "I get to drink for free all night |
844 | 00:37:29,890 | 00:37:31,334 | "if I can prove my dog can talk." | "if I can prove my dog can talk." |
845 | 00:37:31,434 | 00:37:32,501 | Says, "Right." | Says, "Right." |
846 | 00:37:32,601 | 00:37:33,752 | Says to the dog, he says, | Says to the dog, he says, |
847 | 00:37:33,852 | 00:37:40,384 | "Who won the 1927 World Series for the Mets with... | "Who won the 1927 World Series for the Mets with... |
848 | 00:37:40,484 | 00:37:42,511 | "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" | "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" |
849 | 00:37:42,611 | 00:37:46,223 | He says, "Rowf!" "Yes! Babe Ruth! Babe Ruth! See? See?" | He says, "Rowf!" "Yes! Babe Ruth! Babe Ruth! See? See?" |
850 | 00:37:46,323 | 00:37:47,516 | And the barman goes, | And the barman goes, |
851 | 00:37:47,616 | 00:37:49,810 | "No, no, no. You've got to do better than that." | "No, no, no. You've got to do better than that." |
852 | 00:37:49,910 | 00:37:53,521 | And he says to the dog, he says, "Hey, dog. What's that? | And he says to the dog, he says, "Hey, dog. What's that? |
853 | 00:37:53,621 | 00:37:55,565 | "What's that above us right there?" | "What's that above us right there?" |
854 | 00:37:55,665 | 00:37:57,525 | And the dog goes, "Rowf!" | And the dog goes, "Rowf!" |
855 | 00:37:57,625 | 00:38:01,029 | And then the barman goes, "No, this is bullshit. | And then the barman goes, "No, this is bullshit. |
856 | 00:38:01,129 | 00:38:02,363 | "You're trying... This is a scam." | "You're trying... This is a scam." |
857 | 00:38:02,463 | 00:38:04,741 | Throws them both out on the street. | Throws them both out on the street. |
858 | 00:38:04,841 | 00:38:07,702 | And the dog turns to the owner and says, | And the dog turns to the owner and says, |
859 | 00:38:07,802 | 00:38:10,454 | "Jeez, he was a bit nasty." | "Jeez, he was a bit nasty." |
860 | 00:38:21,899 | 00:38:24,718 | So a sexy woman comes out of the bathroom in a bar | So a sexy woman comes out of the bathroom in a bar |
861 | 00:38:24,818 | 00:38:27,596 | and she walks up the bar and she says to the bartender... | and she walks up the bar and she says to the bartender... |
862 | 00:38:27,696 | 00:38:29,890 | .."Can I speak to the manager?" | .."Can I speak to the manager?" |
863 | 00:38:29,990 | 00:38:31,141 | In a really sexy voice. | In a really sexy voice. |
864 | 00:38:31,241 | 00:38:33,810 | And he's like, "Manager's not here tonight." | And he's like, "Manager's not here tonight." |
865 | 00:38:33,910 | 00:38:37,314 | And she goes, "Can you give him a message for me?" | And she goes, "Can you give him a message for me?" |
866 | 00:38:37,414 | 00:38:39,316 | He goes, "OK." He's thinking, "Alright. | He goes, "OK." He's thinking, "Alright. |
867 | 00:38:39,416 | 00:38:40,942 | "What's she got to say?" | "What's she got to say?" |
868 | 00:38:41,042 | 00:38:43,653 | She grabs him by the scruff and pulls him closer | She grabs him by the scruff and pulls him closer |
869 | 00:38:43,753 | 00:38:45,822 | and she says, "Can you tell him," | and she says, "Can you tell him," |
870 | 00:38:45,922 | 00:38:48,908 | as she runs her hands around his face | as she runs her hands around his face |
871 | 00:38:49,008 | 00:38:52,036 | and she gently brushes his lips and his tongue... | and she gently brushes his lips and his tongue... |
872 | 00:38:52,136 | 00:38:55,831 | She just catches his tongue with her finger. | She just catches his tongue with her finger. |
873 | 00:38:55,931 | 00:38:57,666 | "Can you tell him | "Can you tell him |
874 | 00:38:57,766 | 00:39:00,294 | "that there's no toilet paper, soap or hand towel | "that there's no toilet paper, soap or hand towel |
875 | 00:39:00,394 | 00:39:01,587 | "in the bathroom?" | "in the bathroom?" |
876 | 00:39:05,190 | 00:39:06,550 | - Sorry, Johnny. | - Sorry, Johnny. |
877 | 00:39:06,650 | 00:39:08,343 | - No, I was very happy... Happy to be part of that act. | - No, I was very happy... Happy to be part of that act. |
878 | 00:39:08,443 | 00:39:09,636 | - Well played, John. - Yes, thank you. | - Well played, John. - Yes, thank you. |
879 | 00:39:09,736 | 00:39:11,822 | Good bar manager. Good bar manager. | Good bar manager. Good bar manager. |
880 | 00:39:12,614 | 00:39:16,810 | Saw a sign, "Welcome to Autopsy Club. | Saw a sign, "Welcome to Autopsy Club. |
881 | 00:39:16,910 | 00:39:19,312 | "It's Wednesday night, which is Open Mike night." | "It's Wednesday night, which is Open Mike night." |
882 | 00:39:27,670 | 00:39:29,572 | I just finished reading this book on anti-gravity. | I just finished reading this book on anti-gravity. |
883 | 00:39:29,672 | 00:39:31,758 | I couldn't put it down. | I couldn't put it down. |
884 | 00:39:33,259 | 00:39:35,828 | I got in a water fight with the local kids outside my house. | I got in a water fight with the local kids outside my house. |
885 | 00:39:35,928 | 00:39:37,038 | I won. | I won. |
886 | 00:39:37,138 | 00:39:39,623 | Completely misunderestimated me and my kettle. | Completely misunderestimated me and my kettle. |
887 | 00:39:52,945 | 00:39:57,224 | ♪ From outer mountains strawberry city | ♪ From outer mountains strawberry city |
888 | 00:39:57,324 | 00:39:59,851 | ♪ They were outrageously unstoppable | ♪ They were outrageously unstoppable |
889 | 00:39:59,951 | 00:40:01,645 | ♪ Selling out | ♪ Selling out |
890 | 00:40:01,745 | 00:40:04,022 | ♪ They got a right to be | ♪ They got a right to be |
891 | 00:40:04,122 | 00:40:08,735 | ♪ Owning all the highway towns on the way | ♪ Owning all the highway towns on the way |
892 | 00:40:08,835 | 00:40:12,113 | ♪ I was in love with the singer | ♪ I was in love with the singer |
893 | 00:40:12,213 | 00:40:15,908 | ♪ She could turn shit into sunshine | ♪ She could turn shit into sunshine |
894 | 00:40:16,008 | 00:40:18,953 | ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème | ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème |
895 | 00:40:19,053 | 00:40:23,082 | ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème | ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème |
896 | 00:40:23,182 | 00:40:26,627 | ♪ Killing a pig from the start to the end | ♪ Killing a pig from the start to the end |
897 | 00:40:26,727 | 00:40:28,254 | ♪ They're the crème de la crème... | ♪ They're the crème de la crème... |
898 | 00:40:28,354 | 00:40:30,047 | This guy's reading through the local rag | This guy's reading through the local rag |
899 | 00:40:30,147 | 00:40:32,091 | and comes across this article in the paper | and comes across this article in the paper |
900 | 00:40:32,191 | 00:40:34,885 | that says there's a talking dog for sale for $25. | that says there's a talking dog for sale for $25. |
901 | 00:40:34,985 | 00:40:36,637 | And of course he thinks it's a load of shit | And of course he thinks it's a load of shit |
902 | 00:40:36,737 | 00:40:38,180 | but it's, like, 23 Johnson Street. | but it's, like, 23 Johnson Street. |
903 | 00:40:38,280 | 00:40:39,806 | He's thinking, "This is just round the corner." | He's thinking, "This is just round the corner." |
904 | 00:40:39,906 | 00:40:41,683 | So he's like, "I've got to find out what the scam is. | So he's like, "I've got to find out what the scam is. |
905 | 00:40:41,783 | 00:40:43,310 | "It's worth a two-block walk." | "It's worth a two-block walk." |
906 | 00:40:43,410 | 00:40:44,978 | So walks around, knocks on this guy's door. | So walks around, knocks on this guy's door. |
907 | 00:40:45,078 | 00:40:46,813 | He said, "Read an article in the paper | He said, "Read an article in the paper |
908 | 00:40:46,913 | 00:40:48,231 | "you got a talking dog for $25." | "you got a talking dog for $25." |
909 | 00:40:48,331 | 00:40:49,733 | He said, "Yeah. It's around the back. | He said, "Yeah. It's around the back. |
910 | 00:40:49,833 | 00:40:51,192 | "Go and see if you like it." | "Go and see if you like it." |
911 | 00:40:51,292 | 00:40:53,278 | So he goes round the back. "He won't bite you. He's fine." | So he goes round the back. "He won't bite you. He's fine." |
912 | 00:40:53,378 | 00:40:55,613 | The guy goes round the side, opens the side gate. | The guy goes round the side, opens the side gate. |
913 | 00:40:55,713 | 00:40:57,281 | There's a dog there. He walks in and goes, "Right. | There's a dog there. He walks in and goes, "Right. |
914 | 00:40:57,381 | 00:40:58,616 | "You're the talking dog, are you?" | "You're the talking dog, are you?" |
915 | 00:40:58,716 | 00:40:59,659 | The dog goes, "Yep. | The dog goes, "Yep. |
916 | 00:40:59,759 | 00:41:01,160 | "Yeah, no, I'm the talking dog." | "Yeah, no, I'm the talking dog." |
917 | 00:41:01,260 | 00:41:02,870 | The guy said, "You're talking." He said, "Yeah. | The guy said, "You're talking." He said, "Yeah. |
918 | 00:41:02,970 | 00:41:04,997 | "The boss put that in the article, didn't he?" | "The boss put that in the article, didn't he?" |
919 | 00:41:05,097 | 00:41:06,207 | He said, "Well, yeah, he did | He said, "Well, yeah, he did |
920 | 00:41:06,307 | 00:41:07,708 | "but I didn't believe it's true." | "but I didn't believe it's true." |
921 | 00:41:07,808 | 00:41:09,335 | He said, "Oh, there you go. I'm a talking dog." | He said, "Oh, there you go. I'm a talking dog." |
922 | 00:41:09,435 | 00:41:10,461 | He said, "What do you wanna know?" | He said, "What do you wanna know?" |
923 | 00:41:10,561 | 00:41:12,338 | He said, "Oh, well, I thought it was a joke | He said, "Oh, well, I thought it was a joke |
924 | 00:41:12,438 | 00:41:13,839 | "so I don't want to know anything, really. | "so I don't want to know anything, really. |
925 | 00:41:13,939 | 00:41:15,049 | "But if you're a talking dog | "But if you're a talking dog |
926 | 00:41:15,149 | 00:41:17,050 | "I'd be interested in having you come and live with me. | "I'd be interested in having you come and live with me. |
927 | 00:41:17,150 | 00:41:18,969 | "I could do with some company." He said, "Alright." | "I could do with some company." He said, "Alright." |
928 | 00:41:19,069 | 00:41:20,220 | He said, "Are you a man of the world?" | He said, "Are you a man of the world?" |
929 | 00:41:20,320 | 00:41:21,513 | The guy said, "What do you mean?" | The guy said, "What do you mean?" |
930 | 00:41:21,613 | 00:41:23,932 | He said, "Well, have you travelled? Have you been to Germany?" | He said, "Well, have you travelled? Have you been to Germany?" |
931 | 00:41:24,032 | 00:41:25,142 | The guy said, "Ah, no, I haven't." | The guy said, "Ah, no, I haven't." |
932 | 00:41:25,242 | 00:41:26,643 | He said, "Fantastic place, Germany." | He said, "Fantastic place, Germany." |
933 | 00:41:26,743 | 00:41:28,645 | He said, "Seriously, great beer, as you probably know, | He said, "Seriously, great beer, as you probably know, |
934 | 00:41:28,745 | 00:41:30,438 | "and, yeah, there's the sausages and all that." | "and, yeah, there's the sausages and all that." |
935 | 00:41:30,538 | 00:41:32,857 | "But it's just an amazing place." Have you been to Switzerland?" | "But it's just an amazing place." Have you been to Switzerland?" |
936 | 00:41:32,957 | 00:41:35,276 | The guy said, "Look, to be honest, I haven't travelled much at all." | The guy said, "Look, to be honest, I haven't travelled much at all." |
937 | 00:41:35,376 | 00:41:36,528 | He said, "Switzerland is amazing. | He said, "Switzerland is amazing. |
938 | 00:41:36,628 | 00:41:37,737 | "Look, we can talk about that | "Look, we can talk about that |
939 | 00:41:37,837 | 00:41:39,447 | "but honestly the scenery is second to none." | "but honestly the scenery is second to none." |
940 | 00:41:39,547 | 00:41:41,199 | He said, "Have you been through Asia at all?" | He said, "Have you been through Asia at all?" |
941 | 00:41:41,299 | 00:41:42,617 | And he said, "Not really." | And he said, "Not really." |
942 | 00:41:42,717 | 00:41:44,285 | He said, "Anyway, we got plenty we can talk about. | He said, "Anyway, we got plenty we can talk about. |
943 | 00:41:44,385 | 00:41:45,453 | "No need to waste it all now." | "No need to waste it all now." |
944 | 00:41:45,553 | 00:41:46,954 | He said, "Go and do the deal with the boss | He said, "Go and do the deal with the boss |
945 | 00:41:47,054 | 00:41:48,748 | "and I guess we're going to be mates. | "and I guess we're going to be mates. |
946 | 00:41:48,848 | 00:41:50,124 | "I'm looking forward to it." | "I'm looking forward to it." |
947 | 00:41:50,224 | 00:41:52,668 | And he said, "OK. Fantastic." | And he said, "OK. Fantastic." |
948 | 00:41:52,768 | 00:41:54,461 | Goes round the front and he says to the guy, "25 bucks?" | Goes round the front and he says to the guy, "25 bucks?" |
949 | 00:41:54,561 | 00:41:57,172 | The guy goes, "Yep, 25 bucks." He goes, "Alright." | The guy goes, "Yep, 25 bucks." He goes, "Alright." |
950 | 00:41:57,272 | 00:42:00,217 | He said, "I gotta ask, it's a talking dog. | He said, "I gotta ask, it's a talking dog. |
951 | 00:42:00,317 | 00:42:03,971 | "Why on earth would you sell it for 25 bucks?" He said, "Ahhh." | "Why on earth would you sell it for 25 bucks?" He said, "Ahhh." |
952 | 00:42:04,071 | 00:42:05,472 | He said, "I'm sick of the lies, mate." | He said, "I'm sick of the lies, mate." |
953 | 00:42:05,572 | 00:42:07,808 | He said, "He's never been out of the fucking backyard." | He said, "He's never been out of the fucking backyard." |
954 | 00:42:09,326 | 00:42:12,437 | ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème | ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème |
955 | 00:42:12,537 | 00:42:15,899 | ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème | ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème |
956 | 00:42:15,999 | 00:42:19,903 | ♪ I was running away from the side to the end | ♪ I was running away from the side to the end |
957 | 00:42:20,003 | 00:42:24,048 | ♪ For the crème de la crème de la crème. ♪ | ♪ For the crème de la crème de la crème. ♪ |
958 | 00:42:26,133 | 00:42:27,702 | Went for a job as an echo. | Went for a job as an echo. |
959 | 00:42:27,802 | 00:42:29,370 | Still waiting to hear back from 'em. | Still waiting to hear back from 'em. |
960 | 00:42:34,350 | 00:42:35,459 | I wonder if the Wright Brothers knew | I wonder if the Wright Brothers knew |
961 | 00:42:35,559 | 00:42:37,378 | how much their invention would take off. | how much their invention would take off. |
962 | 00:42:40,564 | 00:42:42,549 | This weightlifting woman went into the doctor. | This weightlifting woman went into the doctor. |
963 | 00:42:42,649 | 00:42:45,469 | She said "I've taken that many steroids I've grown a dick." | She said "I've taken that many steroids I've grown a dick." |
964 | 00:42:45,569 | 00:42:47,804 | He said, "Anabolic?" She said, "No, just a dick." | He said, "Anabolic?" She said, "No, just a dick." |
965 | 00:42:54,911 | 00:42:57,063 | My friends tell me I'm too condescending. | My friends tell me I'm too condescending. |
966 | 00:42:57,163 | 00:42:59,249 | That means I talk down to people. | That means I talk down to people. |
967 | 00:43:03,795 | 00:43:06,089 | My wife said, "Sex is better on holidays." | My wife said, "Sex is better on holidays." |
968 | 00:43:07,381 | 00:43:08,366 | Worst postcard ever. | Worst postcard ever. |
969 | 00:43:15,514 | 00:43:19,893 | ♪ All I want is a brand-new pair of shoes | ♪ All I want is a brand-new pair of shoes |
970 | 00:43:21,687 | 00:43:24,089 | ♪ 'Cause the ones that I've got | ♪ 'Cause the ones that I've got |
971 | 00:43:24,189 | 00:43:27,109 | ♪ They've got holes about as big as the moon | ♪ They've got holes about as big as the moon |
972 | 00:43:29,236 | 00:43:32,347 | ♪ Feel like a dog all covered in fleas | ♪ Feel like a dog all covered in fleas |
973 | 00:43:32,447 | 00:43:35,934 | ♪ The more I scratch the less I ease | ♪ The more I scratch the less I ease |
974 | 00:43:36,034 | 00:43:40,897 | ♪ People keep telling me money don't grow on trees... | ♪ People keep telling me money don't grow on trees... |
975 | 00:43:40,997 | 00:43:42,982 | There's this jumbo jet, | There's this jumbo jet, |
976 | 00:43:43,082 | 00:43:45,151 | Aer Lingus, Irish airline, | Aer Lingus, Irish airline, |
977 | 00:43:45,251 | 00:43:48,947 | flying into the new landing runway... | flying into the new landing runway... |
978 | 00:43:49,047 | 00:43:51,449 | - Sure. - ..at Dublin Airport. | - Sure. - ..at Dublin Airport. |
979 | 00:43:51,549 | 00:43:53,242 | They come out of the cloud bank. | They come out of the cloud bank. |
980 | 00:43:53,342 | 00:43:55,203 | Real low. Close to the ground. | Real low. Close to the ground. |
981 | 00:43:55,303 | 00:43:57,872 | They realise, "Oh, no. Oh, no. | They realise, "Oh, no. Oh, no. |
982 | 00:43:57,972 | 00:44:00,374 | "We're so close and it's such a short runway. | "We're so close and it's such a short runway. |
983 | 00:44:00,474 | 00:44:03,043 | "The runway is too short. It'll never work." | "The runway is too short. It'll never work." |
984 | 00:44:03,143 | 00:44:05,170 | But they land, they hit the tarmac. | But they land, they hit the tarmac. |
985 | 00:44:05,270 | 00:44:06,588 | And they're putting on the brakes | And they're putting on the brakes |
986 | 00:44:06,688 | 00:44:08,340 | and the flaps and the engines in reverse | and the flaps and the engines in reverse |
987 | 00:44:08,440 | 00:44:10,300 | and the passengers in the back, they're going, | and the passengers in the back, they're going, |
988 | 00:44:10,400 | 00:44:11,969 | "Oh, no! To be sure! To be sure! | "Oh, no! To be sure! To be sure! |
989 | 00:44:12,069 | 00:44:13,679 | "We'll never survive! We'll never survive!" | "We'll never survive! We'll never survive!" |
990 | 00:44:13,779 | 00:44:17,849 | And the aeroplane stops one millimetre away | And the aeroplane stops one millimetre away |
991 | 00:44:17,949 | 00:44:19,226 | from the end of the runway. | from the end of the runway. |
992 | 00:44:19,326 | 00:44:22,354 | And the captain says, "Those fools! | And the captain says, "Those fools! |
993 | 00:44:22,454 | 00:44:24,314 | "This runway is way too short." | "This runway is way too short." |
994 | 00:44:24,414 | 00:44:26,274 | And the co-pilot says, "Yeah. | And the co-pilot says, "Yeah. |
995 | 00:44:26,374 | 00:44:28,401 | "But look how wide it is." | "But look how wide it is." |
996 | 00:44:32,046 | 00:44:33,197 | The circus comes to town | The circus comes to town |
997 | 00:44:33,297 | 00:44:35,324 | and a man goes up to the circus manager's office | and a man goes up to the circus manager's office |
998 | 00:44:35,424 | 00:44:37,994 | and he says, "I'd like to apply for the position | and he says, "I'd like to apply for the position |
999 | 00:44:38,094 | 00:44:39,787 | "you had advertised as a contortionist." | "you had advertised as a contortionist." |
1000 | 00:44:39,887 | 00:44:40,955 | And the circus manager says, | And the circus manager says, |
1001 | 00:44:41,055 | 00:44:42,289 | "OK, well, how flexible are you?" | "OK, well, how flexible are you?" |
1002 | 00:44:42,389 | 00:44:43,916 | He says, "Well, I can't do Thursdays." | He says, "Well, I can't do Thursdays." |
1003 | 00:45:05,120 | 00:45:08,481 | So there's this old guy, he's dying and his wife's with him. | So there's this old guy, he's dying and his wife's with him. |
1004 | 00:45:08,581 | 00:45:09,566 | He's really old. | He's really old. |
1005 | 00:45:09,666 | 00:45:13,069 | And he goes, "Martha," to his wife. | And he goes, "Martha," to his wife. |
1006 | 00:45:13,169 | 00:45:15,071 | "Martha. | "Martha. |
1007 | 00:45:15,171 | 00:45:18,324 | "I remember we came out from the old country, Martha. | "I remember we came out from the old country, Martha. |
1008 | 00:45:18,424 | 00:45:21,035 | "And we crossed the border. We had nothing, Martha. | "And we crossed the border. We had nothing, Martha. |
1009 | 00:45:21,135 | 00:45:23,037 | "We crossed the border. I got shot in the shoulder. | "We crossed the border. I got shot in the shoulder. |
1010 | 00:45:23,137 | 00:45:25,373 | "Martha, you were with me. | "Martha, you were with me. |
1011 | 00:45:25,473 | 00:45:28,209 | "And then we created a new life here. | "And then we created a new life here. |
1012 | 00:45:28,309 | 00:45:31,420 | "We built up a company from nothing. The factory. | "We built up a company from nothing. The factory. |
1013 | 00:45:31,520 | 00:45:32,713 | "And then it burns to the ground. | "And then it burns to the ground. |
1014 | 00:45:32,813 | 00:45:34,898 | "You remember that, Martha? You were with me. | "You remember that, Martha? You were with me. |
1015 | 00:45:36,275 | 00:45:38,802 | "And then I get the polio, Martha. | "And then I get the polio, Martha. |
1016 | 00:45:38,902 | 00:45:41,054 | "I'm in an iron lung for four years, Martha, | "I'm in an iron lung for four years, Martha, |
1017 | 00:45:41,154 | 00:45:43,015 | "but you were with me. | "but you were with me. |
1018 | 00:45:43,115 | 00:45:44,808 | "Now I'm dying, Martha. | "Now I'm dying, Martha. |
1019 | 00:45:44,908 | 00:45:48,270 | "I just want to tell you one thing, Martha. | "I just want to tell you one thing, Martha. |
1020 | 00:45:48,370 | 00:45:50,397 | "Martha, you're a fucking jinx!" | "Martha, you're a fucking jinx!" |
1021 | 00:45:53,541 | 00:45:56,002 | ♪ I'm gonna see... | ♪ I'm gonna see... |
1022 | 00:46:00,840 | 00:46:02,992 | This is a true story. | This is a true story. |
1023 | 00:46:03,092 | 00:46:05,912 | The guy got busted up in Byron Bay. | The guy got busted up in Byron Bay. |
1024 | 00:46:06,012 | 00:46:08,431 | Got caught barbecuing a platypus. | Got caught barbecuing a platypus. |
1025 | 00:46:09,682 | 00:46:11,584 | And, you know, the locals were outraged. | And, you know, the locals were outraged. |
1026 | 00:46:11,684 | 00:46:15,212 | He went to court, got fined and the judge called him over. | He went to court, got fined and the judge called him over. |
1027 | 00:46:15,312 | 00:46:17,397 | Said to him... | Said to him... |
1028 | 00:46:18,482 | 00:46:19,425 | .."What did it taste like?" | .."What did it taste like?" |
1029 | 00:46:19,525 | 00:46:21,610 | And the guy said... | And the guy said... |
1030 | 00:46:22,027 | 00:46:23,679 | .."Halfway between a dolphin and a koala." | .."Halfway between a dolphin and a koala." |
1031 | 00:46:25,363 | 00:46:27,449 | Oh, God no. | Oh, God no. |
1032 | 00:46:29,534 | 00:46:35,148 | ♪ But I can only give you the best that I can do, yeah... | ♪ But I can only give you the best that I can do, yeah... |
1033 | 00:46:35,248 | 00:46:38,151 | So it's Monday morning and the teacher's there and she said, | So it's Monday morning and the teacher's there and she said, |
1034 | 00:46:38,251 | 00:46:39,694 | "Have a think about your weekend | "Have a think about your weekend |
1035 | 00:46:39,794 | 00:46:41,696 | "and come back with a story with a moral. | "and come back with a story with a moral. |
1036 | 00:46:41,796 | 00:46:43,197 | "Who's got one?" | "Who's got one?" |
1037 | 00:46:43,297 | 00:46:46,951 | So little Lucy, dependable little Lucy, first hand up. | So little Lucy, dependable little Lucy, first hand up. |
1038 | 00:46:47,051 | 00:46:48,327 | And she says, | And she says, |
1039 | 00:46:48,427 | 00:46:51,664 | "Well, I took my old dog Rover for a walk on the weekend. | "Well, I took my old dog Rover for a walk on the weekend. |
1040 | 00:46:51,764 | 00:46:53,457 | "And I tried to teach him to roll over. | "And I tried to teach him to roll over. |
1041 | 00:46:53,557 | 00:46:56,377 | "And you know what, miss? I couldn't teach him. | "And you know what, miss? I couldn't teach him. |
1042 | 00:46:56,477 | 00:46:59,171 | "You can't teach an old dog new tricks, miss." | "You can't teach an old dog new tricks, miss." |
1043 | 00:46:59,271 | 00:47:03,217 | She goes, "Oh, Lucy, every time you get it right. Every time." | She goes, "Oh, Lucy, every time you get it right. Every time." |
1044 | 00:47:03,317 | 00:47:05,385 | Course there was Steven. He's got his hand up too. | Course there was Steven. He's got his hand up too. |
1045 | 00:47:05,485 | 00:47:07,846 | He wants to be part of it. | He wants to be part of it. |
1046 | 00:47:07,946 | 00:47:09,139 | "Steven, what's your story?" | "Steven, what's your story?" |
1047 | 00:47:09,239 | 00:47:12,434 | He says, "Well, I had a race against my next-door neighbour | He says, "Well, I had a race against my next-door neighbour |
1048 | 00:47:12,534 | 00:47:14,060 | "and he took off real fast | "and he took off real fast |
1049 | 00:47:14,160 | 00:47:18,106 | "but he tripped in a pothole and he sprained his ankle. | "but he tripped in a pothole and he sprained his ankle. |
1050 | 00:47:18,206 | 00:47:20,358 | "But I was just going slowly. I was taking care. | "But I was just going slowly. I was taking care. |
1051 | 00:47:20,458 | 00:47:23,695 | "I didn't fall down any holes and I won that race, miss. | "I didn't fall down any holes and I won that race, miss. |
1052 | 00:47:23,795 | 00:47:26,447 | "Slow and steady wins the race, doesn't it, miss?" | "Slow and steady wins the race, doesn't it, miss?" |
1053 | 00:47:26,547 | 00:47:29,575 | And she goes... Really there's a connection going on. | And she goes... Really there's a connection going on. |
1054 | 00:47:29,675 | 00:47:31,202 | She's really teaching the kids. | She's really teaching the kids. |
1055 | 00:47:31,302 | 00:47:32,662 | And of course little Johnny's up the back. | And of course little Johnny's up the back. |
1056 | 00:47:32,762 | 00:47:34,914 | "I got one. I got one." She's like, "Ohhh... | "I got one. I got one." She's like, "Ohhh... |
1057 | 00:47:35,014 | 00:47:37,374 | "OK, Johnny, what's your story?" | "OK, Johnny, what's your story?" |
1058 | 00:47:37,474 | 00:47:39,335 | He said, "I spent the weekend with my uncle Kev, | He said, "I spent the weekend with my uncle Kev, |
1059 | 00:47:39,435 | 00:47:40,836 | "the Vietnam vet. | "the Vietnam vet. |
1060 | 00:47:40,936 | 00:47:42,671 | "Uncle Ken, he was in Vietnam | "Uncle Ken, he was in Vietnam |
1061 | 00:47:42,771 | 00:47:44,548 | "and he got separated from his battalion. | "and he got separated from his battalion. |
1062 | 00:47:44,648 | 00:47:45,924 | "It was bloody horrible. | "It was bloody horrible. |
1063 | 00:47:46,024 | 00:47:47,926 | "Anyway, Uncle Kev, he jumps in the bush, | "Anyway, Uncle Kev, he jumps in the bush, |
1064 | 00:47:48,026 | 00:47:50,512 | "he pulls out some Saigon spirits, right? | "he pulls out some Saigon spirits, right? |
1065 | 00:47:50,612 | 00:47:52,055 | "Sculls half the bottle." | "Sculls half the bottle." |
1066 | 00:47:52,155 | 00:47:54,057 | "Gets out his gun, jumps out. Bang, bang, bang, bang! | "Gets out his gun, jumps out. Bang, bang, bang, bang! |
1067 | 00:47:54,157 | 00:47:55,392 | "Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang! | "Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang! |
1068 | 00:47:55,492 | 00:47:58,144 | "And there's blood everywhere. Takes about 30 of 'em out. | "And there's blood everywhere. Takes about 30 of 'em out. |
1069 | 00:47:58,244 | 00:47:59,854 | "He jumps back into the bush. | "He jumps back into the bush. |
1070 | 00:47:59,954 | 00:48:02,941 | "He sculls the second half of that bottle of Saigon spirits, | "He sculls the second half of that bottle of Saigon spirits, |
1071 | 00:48:03,041 | 00:48:04,442 | "just smashes it back. | "just smashes it back. |
1072 | 00:48:04,542 | 00:48:06,152 | "Miss, you should've seen him. | "Miss, you should've seen him. |
1073 | 00:48:06,252 | 00:48:07,445 | "He jumps out, gets his other gun. | "He jumps out, gets his other gun. |
1074 | 00:48:07,545 | 00:48:09,781 | "Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. | "Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. |
1075 | 00:48:09,881 | 00:48:11,240 | "All of a sudden he's out of bullets | "All of a sudden he's out of bullets |
1076 | 00:48:11,340 | 00:48:12,617 | "and there's still five of 'em left. | "and there's still five of 'em left. |
1077 | 00:48:12,717 | 00:48:13,826 | "Don't worry about that. | "Don't worry about that. |
1078 | 00:48:13,926 | 00:48:15,911 | "He gets that bottle, smashes it against his head. | "He gets that bottle, smashes it against his head. |
1079 | 00:48:16,011 | 00:48:17,580 | "Hack! Hack! Hack! Hack! | "Hack! Hack! Hack! Hack! |
1080 | 00:48:17,680 | 00:48:19,123 | "He doesn't stop | "He doesn't stop |
1081 | 00:48:19,223 | 00:48:21,976 | "till every single one of them buggers is dead, miss. | "till every single one of them buggers is dead, miss. |
1082 | 00:48:23,936 | 00:48:27,798 | Kids are crying in the class, you know, and the teacher says, | Kids are crying in the class, you know, and the teacher says, |
1083 | 00:48:27,898 | 00:48:31,802 | ""What could the moral of that story possibly be?" | ""What could the moral of that story possibly be?" |
1084 | 00:48:31,902 | 00:48:33,428 | And he says, | And he says, |
1085 | 00:48:33,528 | 00:48:34,721 | "Well, you don't fuck with Uncle Kev | "Well, you don't fuck with Uncle Kev |
1086 | 00:48:34,821 | 00:48:36,181 | "when he's on the piss." | "when he's on the piss." |
1087 | 00:48:39,159 | 00:48:42,495 | Oh, that's lovely. What a heart-warming story. | Oh, that's lovely. What a heart-warming story. |
1088 | 00:48:43,746 | 00:48:46,232 | ♪ Sweet, sweet love | ♪ Sweet, sweet love |
1089 | 00:48:46,332 | 00:48:49,485 | ♪ It will last, it will last | ♪ It will last, it will last |
1090 | 00:48:49,585 | 00:48:53,923 | ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah | ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah |
1091 | 00:48:55,967 | 00:48:58,452 | ♪ Sweet, sweet love | ♪ Sweet, sweet love |
1092 | 00:48:58,552 | 00:49:01,789 | ♪ It will last, it will last | ♪ It will last, it will last |
1093 | 00:49:01,889 | 00:49:03,707 | ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah | ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah |
1094 | 00:49:03,807 | 00:49:06,210 | ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah... | ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah... |
1095 | 00:49:06,310 | 00:49:08,212 | I got one. Bloke goes into a pub and says, | I got one. Bloke goes into a pub and says, |
1096 | 00:49:08,312 | 00:49:10,339 | "Give us a beer before the trouble starts." | "Give us a beer before the trouble starts." |
1097 | 00:49:10,439 | 00:49:11,548 | Publican pours him a beer. | Publican pours him a beer. |
1098 | 00:49:11,648 | 00:49:14,259 | He goes, "Alright. Give us another beer before the trouble starts." | He goes, "Alright. Give us another beer before the trouble starts." |
1099 | 00:49:14,359 | 00:49:16,178 | Pours another beer and drinks that. | Pours another beer and drinks that. |
1100 | 00:49:16,278 | 00:49:17,262 | Then his mate walks in. | Then his mate walks in. |
1101 | 00:49:17,362 | 00:49:18,430 | He goes, "Oh, me mate's here. | He goes, "Oh, me mate's here. |
1102 | 00:49:18,530 | 00:49:20,390 | "Give me mate a beer before the trouble starts." | "Give me mate a beer before the trouble starts." |
1103 | 00:49:20,490 | 00:49:21,516 | He said, "Oh, by the way. | He said, "Oh, by the way. |
1104 | 00:49:21,616 | 00:49:23,351 | "Give me another beer before the trouble starts." | "Give me another beer before the trouble starts." |
1105 | 00:49:23,451 | 00:49:25,937 | And the publican says, "Hey. That'll be $15.80." | And the publican says, "Hey. That'll be $15.80." |
1106 | 00:49:26,037 | 00:49:27,605 | Said, "Look out. The trouble's started." | Said, "Look out. The trouble's started." |
1107 | 00:49:30,333 | 00:49:32,860 | ♪ It burns much inside | ♪ It burns much inside |
1108 | 00:49:32,960 | 00:49:39,467 | ♪ As I want you till the day I'm done | ♪ As I want you till the day I'm done |
1109 | 00:50:09,162 | 00:50:12,857 | This guy hadn't been laid in quite some time. | This guy hadn't been laid in quite some time. |
1110 | 00:50:12,957 | 00:50:15,777 | He said, "I'm going to go out tonight. I'm going to hook up." | He said, "I'm going to go out tonight. I'm going to hook up." |
1111 | 00:50:15,877 | 00:50:17,278 | You know. So he goes to a bar. | You know. So he goes to a bar. |
1112 | 00:50:17,378 | 00:50:18,863 | He looks over in the corner | He looks over in the corner |
1113 | 00:50:18,963 | 00:50:22,033 | and there's an older woman, mature-looking woman. | and there's an older woman, mature-looking woman. |
1114 | 00:50:22,133 | 00:50:25,286 | He thinks, "Fuck it!" You know. | He thinks, "Fuck it!" You know. |
1115 | 00:50:25,386 | 00:50:27,872 | And then he has this thought of, like, | And then he has this thought of, like, |
1116 | 00:50:27,972 | 00:50:29,999 | "She could really have a really hot daughter | "She could really have a really hot daughter |
1117 | 00:50:30,099 | 00:50:32,710 | "and then, you know, maybe a threesome." | "and then, you know, maybe a threesome." |
1118 | 00:50:32,810 | 00:50:35,212 | He's just... He's getting ahead of himself. | He's just... He's getting ahead of himself. |
1119 | 00:50:35,312 | 00:50:37,548 | They have a few drinks and then he sort of reveals | They have a few drinks and then he sort of reveals |
1120 | 00:50:37,648 | 00:50:40,509 | his mother/daughter fantasy to her, you know? | his mother/daughter fantasy to her, you know? |
1121 | 00:50:40,609 | 00:50:42,552 | She's had a few drinks and then she sort of stops | She's had a few drinks and then she sort of stops |
1122 | 00:50:42,652 | 00:50:45,680 | and just says, "Really? That's interesting. | and just says, "Really? That's interesting. |
1123 | 00:50:45,780 | 00:50:48,517 | "Let's go back to my place." | "Let's go back to my place." |
1124 | 00:50:48,617 | 00:50:51,311 | And he's just going, "Fuck!" You know? | And he's just going, "Fuck!" You know? |
1125 | 00:50:51,411 | 00:50:54,064 | Get in the cab, get to her place, open the front door. | Get in the cab, get to her place, open the front door. |
1126 | 00:50:54,164 | 00:50:55,940 | She goes, "Mum, are you awake?" | She goes, "Mum, are you awake?" |
1127 | 00:50:59,460 | 00:51:01,362 | Two comedians talking to each other. | Two comedians talking to each other. |
1128 | 00:51:01,462 | 00:51:03,156 | He says, "I haven't seen you. Where have you been?" | He says, "I haven't seen you. Where have you been?" |
1129 | 00:51:03,256 | 00:51:07,660 | He says, "I'm in America. I'm in a sitcom. It's massive. | He says, "I'm in America. I'm in a sitcom. It's massive. |
1130 | 00:51:07,760 | 00:51:08,869 | "Do you not..." | "Do you not..." |
1131 | 00:51:08,969 | 00:51:12,039 | He goes, "Really? I... I haven't heard what it is." | He goes, "Really? I... I haven't heard what it is." |
1132 | 00:51:12,139 | 00:51:13,707 | He goes, "Yeah, yeah. | He goes, "Yeah, yeah. |
1133 | 00:51:13,807 | 00:51:16,252 | "I do these big stadiums all over in America. | "I do these big stadiums all over in America. |
1134 | 00:51:16,352 | 00:51:18,128 | "They're all sold out in advance." | "They're all sold out in advance." |
1135 | 00:51:18,228 | 00:51:20,589 | He goes, "I haven't heard any of this." | He goes, "I haven't heard any of this." |
1136 | 00:51:20,689 | 00:51:23,509 | He goes, "Yeah. They get it here now. It's syndicated here. | He goes, "Yeah. They get it here now. It's syndicated here. |
1137 | 00:51:23,609 | 00:51:26,053 | "You know... It's a big hit here." | "You know... It's a big hit here." |
1138 | 00:51:26,153 | 00:51:29,014 | And he goes, "I haven't heard any of this." | And he goes, "I haven't heard any of this." |
1139 | 00:51:29,114 | 00:51:31,516 | He goes, "Yeah, I'm doing a big stadium tour | He goes, "Yeah, I'm doing a big stadium tour |
1140 | 00:51:31,616 | 00:51:33,518 | "on the back of the sitcom being a big hit. | "on the back of the sitcom being a big hit. |
1141 | 00:51:33,618 | 00:51:35,520 | "And the whole thing's sold out in advance. | "And the whole thing's sold out in advance. |
1142 | 00:51:35,620 | 00:51:39,440 | He goes, "I haven't heard any of this." | He goes, "I haven't heard any of this." |
1143 | 00:51:39,540 | 00:51:41,276 | He goes, "Yeah, I just...I popped up | He goes, "Yeah, I just...I popped up |
1144 | 00:51:41,376 | 00:51:43,361 | "at a local comedy club the other night | "at a local comedy club the other night |
1145 | 00:51:43,461 | 00:51:44,904 | "just to try out some new material, | "just to try out some new material, |
1146 | 00:51:45,004 | 00:51:46,280 | "just to see how it'll go down. | "just to see how it'll go down. |
1147 | 00:51:46,380 | 00:51:48,282 | "And died me arse." | "And died me arse." |
1148 | 00:51:48,382 | 00:51:50,034 | He goes, "Oh, yeah, I heard about THAT." | He goes, "Oh, yeah, I heard about THAT." |
1149 | 00:51:55,764 | 00:51:58,709 | I went over and visited my aunty and uncle. | I went over and visited my aunty and uncle. |
1150 | 00:51:58,809 | 00:52:00,294 | She made dinner. Beautiful, right? | She made dinner. Beautiful, right? |
1151 | 00:52:00,394 | 00:52:02,588 | And because they're old school, | And because they're old school, |
1152 | 00:52:02,688 | 00:52:04,590 | I was left there at the table with my uncle | I was left there at the table with my uncle |
1153 | 00:52:04,690 | 00:52:07,426 | and she's taken the plates out to the kitchen to wash up. | and she's taken the plates out to the kitchen to wash up. |
1154 | 00:52:07,526 | 00:52:09,219 | And I said, "I'll come help." "No, no, stay there." | And I said, "I'll come help." "No, no, stay there." |
1155 | 00:52:09,319 | 00:52:11,513 | So I'm sitting there at the table with me uncle, right? | So I'm sitting there at the table with me uncle, right? |
1156 | 00:52:11,613 | 00:52:13,348 | And I said, "Jeez, that was good food, hey?" | And I said, "Jeez, that was good food, hey?" |
1157 | 00:52:13,448 | 00:52:15,350 | He said, "Oh, yeah, bloody marvellous, hey?" | He said, "Oh, yeah, bloody marvellous, hey?" |
1158 | 00:52:15,450 | 00:52:17,560 | He said, "We went out to dinner the other night. | He said, "We went out to dinner the other night. |
1159 | 00:52:17,660 | 00:52:20,980 | "It was a grouse night too. Bloody beautiful food." | "It was a grouse night too. Bloody beautiful food." |
1160 | 00:52:21,080 | 00:52:22,524 | And I said, "Fair dinkum. Where was it? | And I said, "Fair dinkum. Where was it? |
1161 | 00:52:22,624 | 00:52:24,275 | "What was the name of the joint?" | "What was the name of the joint?" |
1162 | 00:52:24,375 | 00:52:26,194 | "Oh, jeez, I knew you were going to ask me that. Hang on. | "Oh, jeez, I knew you were going to ask me that. Hang on. |
1163 | 00:52:26,294 | 00:52:31,449 | "Now, was it bloody...ah...oh, you know, um... You know... | "Now, was it bloody...ah...oh, you know, um... You know... |
1164 | 00:52:33,175 | 00:52:35,786 | "What's the name? You know, that flower. | "What's the name? You know, that flower. |
1165 | 00:52:35,886 | 00:52:37,496 | "It's like a flower. You know? | "It's like a flower. You know? |
1166 | 00:52:37,596 | 00:52:40,166 | "And you give it to sheilas on Valentines Day. You know? | "And you give it to sheilas on Valentines Day. You know? |
1167 | 00:52:40,266 | 00:52:42,251 | "And it's got the thorns." I said, "Oh, rose!" | "And it's got the thorns." I said, "Oh, rose!" |
1168 | 00:52:42,351 | 00:52:43,335 | He says, "Yeah! | He says, "Yeah! |
1169 | 00:52:43,435 | 00:52:45,671 | "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that bloody restaurant?" | "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that bloody restaurant?" |
1170 | 00:52:50,859 | 00:52:53,553 | A woman gets into an elevator and there's a man there | A woman gets into an elevator and there's a man there |
1171 | 00:52:53,653 | 00:52:55,430 | and he goes, "Oh. Hello. What floor are you going to?" | and he goes, "Oh. Hello. What floor are you going to?" |
1172 | 00:52:55,530 | 00:52:57,224 | She says, "Oh, three, please." | She says, "Oh, three, please." |
1173 | 00:52:57,324 | 00:52:58,975 | He says, "Where are you heading to today?" | He says, "Where are you heading to today?" |
1174 | 00:52:59,075 | 00:53:02,437 | She says, "I'm going to give blood." He said, "Oh, really? | She says, "I'm going to give blood." He said, "Oh, really? |
1175 | 00:53:02,537 | 00:53:05,857 | "How much do you get for giving blood?" She says, "£20." | "How much do you get for giving blood?" She says, "£20." |
1176 | 00:53:05,957 | 00:53:07,901 | He says, "Oh, wow! | He says, "Oh, wow! |
1177 | 00:53:08,001 | 00:53:09,777 | "I'm just about to donate some sperm, you know, | "I'm just about to donate some sperm, you know, |
1178 | 00:53:09,877 | 00:53:12,155 | "and the sperm bank gives £100." | "and the sperm bank gives £100." |
1179 | 00:53:12,255 | 00:53:14,157 | And she's like, "Really?" | And she's like, "Really?" |
1180 | 00:53:14,257 | 00:53:17,076 | She gets off. Next day, he's there again in the lift. | She gets off. Next day, he's there again in the lift. |
1181 | 00:53:17,176 | 00:53:18,327 | "Fancy meeting you. | "Fancy meeting you. |
1182 | 00:53:18,427 | 00:53:20,121 | "Where are you off to?" | "Where are you off to?" |
1183 | 00:53:20,221 | 00:53:22,123 | "Sperm bank." | "Sperm bank." |
1184 | 00:53:24,058 | 00:53:26,001 | Oh, man. | Oh, man. |
1185 | 00:53:26,101 | 00:53:29,171 | There's this show. There's a concert on. | There's this show. There's a concert on. |
1186 | 00:53:29,271 | 00:53:32,174 | And there's this ventriloquist and he's got his dummy out | And there's this ventriloquist and he's got his dummy out |
1187 | 00:53:32,274 | 00:53:33,842 | and he's doing this fantastic routine | and he's doing this fantastic routine |
1188 | 00:53:33,942 | 00:53:35,218 | but he's offending everyone. | but he's offending everyone. |
1189 | 00:53:35,318 | 00:53:37,554 | He's offended... He's offended the Ukrainians. | He's offended... He's offended the Ukrainians. |
1190 | 00:53:37,654 | 00:53:40,390 | He's offended the Scots. He's offended everyone. | He's offended the Scots. He's offended everyone. |
1191 | 00:53:40,490 | 00:53:42,976 | And finally he says, "And tell me, Jerry, | And finally he says, "And tell me, Jerry, |
1192 | 00:53:43,076 | 00:53:45,437 | "What do you think about the Irish?" | "What do you think about the Irish?" |
1193 | 00:53:45,537 | 00:53:47,355 | And before he can get a word out, | And before he can get a word out, |
1194 | 00:53:47,455 | 00:53:49,649 | this huge Irish bloke stands up in the audience | this huge Irish bloke stands up in the audience |
1195 | 00:53:49,749 | 00:53:50,692 | and he says, | and he says, |
1196 | 00:53:50,792 | 00:53:53,236 | "If you're going to do any Irish jokes, | "If you're going to do any Irish jokes, |
1197 | 00:53:53,336 | 00:53:54,320 | "I'm gonna come up there, | "I'm gonna come up there, |
1198 | 00:53:54,420 | 00:53:56,114 | "I'm going to belt your bloody head in." | "I'm going to belt your bloody head in." |
1199 | 00:53:56,214 | 00:54:00,326 | And the ventriloquist says, "Look. | And the ventriloquist says, "Look. |
1200 | 00:54:00,426 | 00:54:02,953 | "This isn't meant in bad taste. We're just covering everybody." | "This isn't meant in bad taste. We're just covering everybody." |
1201 | 00:54:03,053 | 00:54:04,497 | And he said, "I'm not talking to you. | And he said, "I'm not talking to you. |
1202 | 00:54:04,597 | 00:54:05,915 | "I'm talking to that cheeky little bastard | "I'm talking to that cheeky little bastard |
1203 | 00:54:06,015 | 00:54:07,333 | "sitting on your knee." | "sitting on your knee." |
1204 | 00:54:10,227 | 00:54:13,297 | ♪ I might get home next to never | ♪ I might get home next to never |
1205 | 00:54:13,397 | 00:54:15,674 | ♪ You won't see me round | ♪ You won't see me round |
1206 | 00:54:15,774 | 00:54:17,342 | ♪ 'Cause if I never get on up | ♪ 'Cause if I never get on up |
1207 | 00:54:17,442 | 00:54:19,511 | ♪ Why, I can never get let down... ♪ | ♪ Why, I can never get let down... ♪ |
1208 | 00:54:19,611 | 00:54:22,514 | An Irishman walks into his local pub, | An Irishman walks into his local pub, |
1209 | 00:54:22,614 | 00:54:25,809 | and the bartender says, "What can I get for you, Sean?" | and the bartender says, "What can I get for you, Sean?" |
1210 | 00:54:25,909 | 00:54:28,645 | He said, "I'll have a pint of stout, Patrick." | He said, "I'll have a pint of stout, Patrick." |
1211 | 00:54:28,745 | 00:54:30,230 | And he says, "As a matter of fact, | And he says, "As a matter of fact, |
1212 | 00:54:30,330 | 00:54:33,233 | "it's the last drink I'm ever gonna buy in this pub." | "it's the last drink I'm ever gonna buy in this pub." |
1213 | 00:54:33,333 | 00:54:35,735 | And the bartender said, "What are you talking about?! | And the bartender said, "What are you talking about?! |
1214 | 00:54:35,835 | 00:54:37,153 | "We didn't have a fight, did we?" | "We didn't have a fight, did we?" |
1215 | 00:54:37,253 | 00:54:38,446 | He said, "Oh, no, no, no." | He said, "Oh, no, no, no." |
1216 | 00:54:38,546 | 00:54:40,573 | He said, "It's nothing personal, Patrick," | He said, "It's nothing personal, Patrick," |
1217 | 00:54:40,673 | 00:54:43,242 | he said, "but I just found out that down at the Royal, | he said, "but I just found out that down at the Royal, |
1218 | 00:54:43,342 | 00:54:46,162 | "you walk in, you buy your first drink, | "you walk in, you buy your first drink, |
1219 | 00:54:46,262 | 00:54:48,914 | "after that, you drink for nothing all night, | "after that, you drink for nothing all night, |
1220 | 00:54:49,014 | 00:54:51,041 | "and at the end of the night, you get a free fuck!" | "and at the end of the night, you get a free fuck!" |
1221 | 00:54:52,935 | 00:54:55,587 | He said, "Who told you that?!" He said, "Me daughter." | He said, "Who told you that?!" He said, "Me daughter." |
1222 | 00:54:57,981 | 00:55:01,051 | A guy goes to a psychiatrist, and, um... | A guy goes to a psychiatrist, and, um... |
1223 | 00:55:01,151 | 00:55:03,512 | ..the psychiatrist said to him, "Oh, what can I do for you?" | ..the psychiatrist said to him, "Oh, what can I do for you?" |
1224 | 00:55:03,612 | 00:55:05,388 | He said, "Oh, it's not me, it's my brother." | He said, "Oh, it's not me, it's my brother." |
1225 | 00:55:05,488 | 00:55:07,057 | He said, "Oh, what's wrong with your brother?" | He said, "Oh, what's wrong with your brother?" |
1226 | 00:55:07,157 | 00:55:08,475 | He said, "He thinks he's an orange." | He said, "He thinks he's an orange." |
1227 | 00:55:08,575 | 00:55:10,060 | He said, "Oh, you should bring him in." | He said, "Oh, you should bring him in." |
1228 | 00:55:10,160 | 00:55:11,853 | He said, "Oh, I did. I've got him here in my pocket." | He said, "Oh, I did. I've got him here in my pocket." |
1229 | 00:55:11,953 | 00:55:15,106 | My Uncle Jaime has been... | My Uncle Jaime has been... |
1230 | 00:55:15,206 | 00:55:17,775 | ..has been going to the same restaurant for 20 years. | ..has been going to the same restaurant for 20 years. |
1231 | 00:55:17,875 | 00:55:20,445 | - The same restaurant! - 20 years. Every Monday night. | - The same restaurant! - 20 years. Every Monday night. |
1232 | 00:55:20,545 | 00:55:24,073 | The same order - one bowl of chicken noodle soup. | The same order - one bowl of chicken noodle soup. |
1233 | 00:55:24,173 | 00:55:26,784 | But just last week, something went terribly wrong. | But just last week, something went terribly wrong. |
1234 | 00:55:26,884 | 00:55:28,994 | "Waiter? Waiter? | "Waiter? Waiter? |
1235 | 00:55:29,094 | 00:55:30,579 | "Try the soup." | "Try the soup." |
1236 | 00:55:30,679 | 00:55:33,374 | "What, is something wrong? Is it not hot enough?" | "What, is something wrong? Is it not hot enough?" |
1237 | 00:55:33,474 | 00:55:35,542 | "Just...just try the soup." | "Just...just try the soup." |
1238 | 00:55:35,642 | 00:55:37,795 | "What, is it too salty? Not salty enough? | "What, is it too salty? Not salty enough? |
1239 | 00:55:37,895 | 00:55:42,174 | "Is the noodle-to-liquid ratio not what you had anticipated?" | "Is the noodle-to-liquid ratio not what you had anticipated?" |
1240 | 00:55:42,274 | 00:55:46,261 | "Solly, Solly, my old friend, I want you should try the soup." | "Solly, Solly, my old friend, I want you should try the soup." |
1241 | 00:55:46,361 | 00:55:48,221 | "OK! OK, I'll try the soup! | "OK! OK, I'll try the soup! |
1242 | 00:55:48,321 | 00:55:50,390 | "Now, where's the spoon?" | "Now, where's the spoon?" |
1243 | 00:55:50,490 | 00:55:51,892 | "Aha!" | "Aha!" |
1244 | 00:56:01,125 | 00:56:04,195 | You know, if you want a job in the moisturiser industry, | You know, if you want a job in the moisturiser industry, |
1245 | 00:56:04,295 | 00:56:06,989 | the best advice I can give you is apply daily. | the best advice I can give you is apply daily. |
1246 | 00:56:10,134 | 00:56:12,161 | You know, the people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones, | You know, the people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones, |
1247 | 00:56:12,261 | 00:56:13,746 | but the people of Abu-Dhabi-do. | but the people of Abu-Dhabi-do. |
1248 | 00:56:16,098 | 00:56:19,501 | Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? | Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? |
1249 | 00:56:19,601 | 00:56:21,336 | - I don't know. - 'Cause he's married. | - I don't know. - 'Cause he's married. |
1250 | 00:56:23,313 | 00:56:26,191 | I wasn't expecting that. | I wasn't expecting that. |
1251 | 00:56:28,652 | 00:56:29,886 | I went to an auction | I went to an auction |
1252 | 00:56:29,986 | 00:56:31,930 | and I bought the DeLorean from Back To The Future. | and I bought the DeLorean from Back To The Future. |
1253 | 00:56:32,030 | 00:56:33,598 | I'm only gonna drive it from time to time. | I'm only gonna drive it from time to time. |
1254 | 00:56:33,698 | 00:56:35,892 | Ohh! Nice! | Ohh! Nice! |
1255 | 00:56:35,992 | 00:56:38,144 | A blonde and a redhead sitting at a bar. | A blonde and a redhead sitting at a bar. |
1256 | 00:56:38,244 | 00:56:40,980 | The blonde looks out the window and she sees this guy | The blonde looks out the window and she sees this guy |
1257 | 00:56:41,080 | 00:56:43,983 | with these really long-stemmed flowers. | with these really long-stemmed flowers. |
1258 | 00:56:44,083 | 00:56:46,819 | And the redhead looks and goes, "Ugh! It's my husband. | And the redhead looks and goes, "Ugh! It's my husband. |
1259 | 00:56:46,919 | 00:56:49,447 | "All that means is that I'm gonna spend the entire week | "All that means is that I'm gonna spend the entire week |
1260 | 00:56:49,547 | 00:56:51,199 | "on my back with my legs open." | "on my back with my legs open." |
1261 | 00:56:51,299 | 00:56:53,951 | And the blonde goes, "Don't you have a vase?" | And the blonde goes, "Don't you have a vase?" |
1262 | 00:56:54,051 | 00:56:55,327 | Yes! | Yes! |
1263 | 00:56:55,427 | 00:56:57,079 | There's this guy, right, and he goes... | There's this guy, right, and he goes... |
1264 | 00:56:57,179 | 00:56:58,581 | ..he goes in and he just grabs a pint | ..he goes in and he just grabs a pint |
1265 | 00:56:58,681 | 00:57:00,207 | and he just smashes it against the wall. | and he just smashes it against the wall. |
1266 | 00:57:00,307 | 00:57:01,667 | The bartender goes, "What are you doing?" | The bartender goes, "What are you doing?" |
1267 | 00:57:01,767 | 00:57:02,876 | He goes, "Oh, it's a problem I have. | He goes, "Oh, it's a problem I have. |
1268 | 00:57:02,976 | 00:57:04,086 | "I'm sorry. I'm very ashamed of it." | "I'm sorry. I'm very ashamed of it." |
1269 | 00:57:04,186 | 00:57:05,629 | He goes, "You've got to get that checked out. | He goes, "You've got to get that checked out. |
1270 | 00:57:05,729 | 00:57:07,047 | "You've got to go speak to someone about it." | "You've got to go speak to someone about it." |
1271 | 00:57:07,147 | 00:57:08,173 | And he goes, "OK." | And he goes, "OK." |
1272 | 00:57:08,273 | 00:57:09,758 | So, he goes away for three months, comes back, | So, he goes away for three months, comes back, |
1273 | 00:57:09,858 | 00:57:11,134 | drinks a pint and just chucks it at the wall | drinks a pint and just chucks it at the wall |
1274 | 00:57:11,234 | 00:57:12,177 | and then it just smashes. | and then it just smashes. |
1275 | 00:57:12,277 | 00:57:13,345 | He goes, "What are you doing? | He goes, "What are you doing? |
1276 | 00:57:13,445 | 00:57:14,971 | "I thought you said you were gonna get help for it." | "I thought you said you were gonna get help for it." |
1277 | 00:57:15,071 | 00:57:16,890 | He's like, "Yep. I did. I'm not ashamed of it anymore." | He's like, "Yep. I did. I'm not ashamed of it anymore." |
1278 | 00:57:18,783 | 00:57:21,478 | Another true... Listen. It's a true story. | Another true... Listen. It's a true story. |
1279 | 00:57:21,578 | 00:57:23,480 | Some... It can't be all jokes. | Some... It can't be all jokes. |
1280 | 00:57:23,580 | 00:57:25,899 | - It can't be. - Some of it has to be true. | - It can't be. - Some of it has to be true. |
1281 | 00:57:25,999 | 00:57:27,859 | A true story. We're listening. We're listening. | A true story. We're listening. We're listening. |
1282 | 00:57:27,959 | 00:57:30,044 | Go on. | Go on. |
1283 | 00:57:30,586 | 00:57:33,781 | A frog goes into a bank... | A frog goes into a bank... |
1284 | 00:57:33,881 | 00:57:35,449 | ..to get a loan... | ..to get a loan... |
1285 | 00:57:35,549 | 00:57:37,118 | These two drunks have just left the pub | These two drunks have just left the pub |
1286 | 00:57:37,218 | 00:57:38,536 | and they're pretty pissed, | and they're pretty pissed, |
1287 | 00:57:38,636 | 00:57:39,870 | and they're walking down the road, | and they're walking down the road, |
1288 | 00:57:39,970 | 00:57:42,164 | and in the gutter, there's a dog there licking its balls. | and in the gutter, there's a dog there licking its balls. |
1289 | 00:57:42,264 | 00:57:44,041 | And one drunk said to the other, he said, "Jesus." | And one drunk said to the other, he said, "Jesus." |
1290 | 00:57:44,141 | 00:57:45,584 | He said, "I'd love to be able to do that." | He said, "I'd love to be able to do that." |
1291 | 00:57:45,684 | 00:57:48,462 | And his mate said, "I think I'd fuckin' pat him first." | And his mate said, "I think I'd fuckin' pat him first." |
1292 | 00:57:50,230 | 00:57:51,423 | How many body builders | How many body builders |
1293 | 00:57:51,523 | 00:57:52,674 | does it take to change a light bulb? | does it take to change a light bulb? |
1294 | 00:57:52,774 | 00:57:54,217 | - How many? - Two. | - How many? - Two. |
1295 | 00:57:54,317 | 00:57:55,469 | One to change the light bulb | One to change the light bulb |
1296 | 00:57:55,569 | 00:57:57,929 | and another one to go, "Look at you, man! You're huge!" | and another one to go, "Look at you, man! You're huge!" |
1297 | 00:58:08,790 | 00:58:15,613 | ♪ Well, I'm looking out on an overcast sky in the morning | ♪ Well, I'm looking out on an overcast sky in the morning |
1298 | 00:58:15,713 | 00:58:23,621 | ♪ I can't hear the warning as it calls to you | ♪ I can't hear the warning as it calls to you |
1299 | 00:58:23,721 | 00:58:27,416 | ♪ As the birds migrate and the wind is raised | ♪ As the birds migrate and the wind is raised |
1300 | 00:58:27,516 | 00:58:30,044 | ♪ I see the eagle soaring | ♪ I see the eagle soaring |
1301 | 00:58:30,144 | 00:58:36,733 | ♪ Although I'm just a pawn in nature's game, like you | ♪ Although I'm just a pawn in nature's game, like you |
1302 | 00:58:38,193 | 00:58:40,278 | ♪ Wa-hoo | ♪ Wa-hoo |
1303 | 00:58:41,112 | 00:58:44,224 | ♪ Wa-hoo | ♪ Wa-hoo |
1304 | 00:58:44,324 | 00:58:48,369 | ♪ Wa-hoo-ah | ♪ Wa-hoo-ah |
1305 | 00:58:50,663 | 00:58:53,107 | ♪ On the wings of an eagle | ♪ On the wings of an eagle |
1306 | 00:58:53,207 | 00:58:57,111 | ♪ I find myself lifted through the skies | ♪ I find myself lifted through the skies |
1307 | 00:58:57,211 | 00:59:01,841 | ♪ Lifted up above the world to see | ♪ Lifted up above the world to see |
1308 | 00:59:03,259 | 00:59:05,911 | ♪ On the wings of an eagle | ♪ On the wings of an eagle |
1309 | 00:59:06,011 | 00:59:09,832 | ♪ I find myself lifted through the skies | ♪ I find myself lifted through the skies |
1310 | 00:59:09,932 | 00:59:15,087 | ♪ Lifted up above the world to see | ♪ Lifted up above the world to see |
1311 | 00:59:15,187 | 00:59:22,511 | ♪ Can you see me? Can you see me? | ♪ Can you see me? Can you see me? |
1312 | 00:59:22,611 | 00:59:26,431 | ♪ As the days roll on and the nights get long | ♪ As the days roll on and the nights get long |
1313 | 00:59:26,531 | 00:59:29,142 | ♪ The changing of the seasons | ♪ The changing of the seasons |
1314 | 00:59:29,242 | 00:59:30,810 | ♪ The falling autumn... ♪ | ♪ The falling autumn... ♪ |
1315 | 00:59:30,910 | 00:59:31,978 | Hi, Dad. | Hi, Dad. |
1316 | 00:59:32,078 | 00:59:33,313 | - Hey, mate. - How are you going? | - Hey, mate. - How are you going? |
1317 | 00:59:33,413 | 00:59:34,606 | Yeah, not bad. | Yeah, not bad. |
1318 | 00:59:34,706 | 00:59:37,650 | ♪ They bring me down | ♪ They bring me down |
1319 | 00:59:37,750 | 00:59:40,795 | ♪ They bring me down... ♪ | ♪ They bring me down... ♪ |
1320 | 00:59:46,300 | 00:59:48,661 | Yeah, so, um... | Yeah, so, um... |
1321 | 00:59:48,761 | 00:59:50,704 | ..what's the guts of this party? | ..what's the guts of this party? |
1322 | 00:59:50,804 | 00:59:52,890 | What's it really all about? | What's it really all about? |
1323 | 00:59:54,016 | 00:59:58,061 | Well, uh...to tell the truth, I threw it for you. | Well, uh...to tell the truth, I threw it for you. |
1324 | 00:59:59,605 | 01:00:01,690 | Me? | Me? |
1325 | 01:00:02,232 | 01:00:05,510 | Well...you've spent my whole life making me laugh, | Well...you've spent my whole life making me laugh, |
1326 | 01:00:05,610 | 01:00:08,847 | so I thought it...might be nice to try and return the favour. | so I thought it...might be nice to try and return the favour. |
1327 | 01:00:08,947 | 01:00:12,017 | So...thought I'd bring some mates round | So...thought I'd bring some mates round |
1328 | 01:00:12,117 | 01:00:13,560 | to give me a chop out. | to give me a chop out. |
1329 | 01:00:13,660 | 01:00:15,937 | And, you know, let's be honest, you're not getting any younger | And, you know, let's be honest, you're not getting any younger |
1330 | 01:00:16,037 | 01:00:17,564 | and I'm not getting any funnier, so... | and I'm not getting any funnier, so... |
1331 | 01:00:17,664 | 01:00:19,482 | No. | No. |
1332 | 01:00:19,582 | 01:00:22,443 | Yeah, this, uh...this gig looks like it might go for a while. | Yeah, this, uh...this gig looks like it might go for a while. |
1333 | 01:00:22,543 | 01:00:24,946 | I don't know whether I'll see it right to the end. | I don't know whether I'll see it right to the end. |
1334 | 01:00:25,046 | 01:00:27,615 | I'll probably have another couple of quiet ones, | I'll probably have another couple of quiet ones, |
1335 | 01:00:27,715 | 01:00:28,908 | then I might just drift off. | then I might just drift off. |
1336 | 01:00:29,008 | 01:00:30,618 | If I'm missing, you'll know that I've hit the sack | If I'm missing, you'll know that I've hit the sack |
1337 | 01:00:30,718 | 01:00:31,994 | and called it a day. | and called it a day. |
1338 | 01:00:32,094 | 01:00:33,245 | Done. | Done. |
1339 | 01:00:33,345 | 01:00:34,497 | But it's been terrific, you know? | But it's been terrific, you know? |
1340 | 01:00:34,597 | 01:00:36,624 | And thanks...thanks, boy. | And thanks...thanks, boy. |
1341 | 01:00:36,724 | 01:00:38,809 | Pleasure, Dad. | Pleasure, Dad. |
1342 | 01:00:42,563 | 01:00:43,922 | One more for the road? | One more for the road? |
1343 | 01:00:44,022 | 01:00:45,841 | Ooh, why not? Why not? | Ooh, why not? Why not? |
1344 | 01:00:45,941 | 01:00:49,052 | So, uh...this primary school, | So, uh...this primary school, |
1345 | 01:00:49,152 | 01:00:51,388 | it's St Patrick's Day, and they decide | it's St Patrick's Day, and they decide |
1346 | 01:00:51,488 | 01:00:53,557 | they should invite one of the kids' grandparents along, | they should invite one of the kids' grandparents along, |
1347 | 01:00:53,657 | 01:00:55,058 | 'cause he served during the war. | 'cause he served during the war. |
1348 | 01:00:55,158 | 01:00:57,894 | So he comes into the classroom and he explains, he said... | So he comes into the classroom and he explains, he said... |
1349 | 01:00:57,994 | 01:01:00,188 | .. "Well, children, I fought in the war. | .. "Well, children, I fought in the war. |
1350 | 01:01:00,288 | 01:01:01,481 | "War's a terrible thing. | "War's a terrible thing. |
1351 | 01:01:01,581 | 01:01:03,441 | "People fighting other people because of other people." | "People fighting other people because of other people." |
1352 | 01:01:03,541 | 01:01:05,651 | He said, "Hope you never have to be a part of it," he said. | He said, "Hope you never have to be a part of it," he said. |
1353 | 01:01:05,751 | 01:01:07,445 | "Anyway, I worked on an airfield," | "Anyway, I worked on an airfield," |
1354 | 01:01:07,545 | 01:01:10,615 | and he said, "and this day, I'm on the airfield | and he said, "and this day, I'm on the airfield |
1355 | 01:01:10,715 | 01:01:13,117 | "and this fucker comes swooping in, shooting at me." | "and this fucker comes swooping in, shooting at me." |
1356 | 01:01:13,217 | 01:01:15,077 | And the teacher rushes in and says, | And the teacher rushes in and says, |
1357 | 01:01:15,177 | 01:01:16,579 | "Just before he goes any further, | "Just before he goes any further, |
1358 | 01:01:16,679 | 01:01:17,997 | "children, just so you know, | "children, just so you know, |
1359 | 01:01:18,097 | 01:01:21,792 | "a Fokker was an aeroplane that they used during the war." | "a Fokker was an aeroplane that they used during the war." |
1360 | 01:01:21,892 | 01:01:24,920 | And he said, "That is right. | And he said, "That is right. |
1361 | 01:01:25,020 | 01:01:28,173 | "But THIS fucker was flying a Messerschmitt." | "But THIS fucker was flying a Messerschmitt." |
1362 | 01:02:02,431 | 01:02:04,208 | - The Irish. - See you later. | - The Irish. - See you later. |
1363 | 01:02:04,308 | 01:02:06,393 | God bless 'em. Yeah, see you, boy. | God bless 'em. Yeah, see you, boy. |
1364 | 01:02:23,868 | 01:02:25,520 | Good lad. | Good lad. |
1365 | 01:02:25,620 | 01:02:27,063 | OK, everyone, last round. | OK, everyone, last round. |
1366 | 01:02:46,557 | 01:02:49,101 | ♪ This might come back to bite us | ♪ This might come back to bite us |
1367 | 01:02:50,602 | 01:02:53,105 | ♪ I know you think so too | ♪ I know you think so too |
1368 | 01:02:55,148 | 01:02:57,901 | ♪ But when it come to it, babe | ♪ But when it come to it, babe |
1369 | 01:02:59,027 | 01:03:01,738 | ♪ What have we got to lose? | ♪ What have we got to lose? |
1370 | 01:03:03,531 | 01:03:06,784 | ♪ Holding back feeling | ♪ Holding back feeling |
1371 | 01:03:07,869 | 01:03:10,830 | ♪ Can't stop a waterfall | ♪ Can't stop a waterfall |
1372 | 01:03:12,123 | 01:03:15,359 | ♪ No good at pretending, oh | ♪ No good at pretending, oh |
1373 | 01:03:15,459 | 01:03:18,921 | ♪ When my back's against the wall | ♪ When my back's against the wall |
1374 | 01:03:20,506 | 01:03:23,659 | ♪ I've had you on my mind | ♪ I've had you on my mind |
1375 | 01:03:23,759 | 01:03:25,844 | ♪ Tonight, oh | ♪ Tonight, oh |
1376 | 01:03:26,887 | 01:03:29,790 | ♪ All I need is a sign | ♪ All I need is a sign |
1377 | 01:03:29,890 | 01:03:33,101 | ♪ Don't think twice... ♪ | ♪ Don't think twice... ♪ |
1378 | 01:03:34,436 | 01:03:37,381 | So, the Lone Ranger got caught by Sitting Bull. | So, the Lone Ranger got caught by Sitting Bull. |
1379 | 01:03:37,481 | 01:03:40,759 | It was horrifying. This great hero of the American people. | It was horrifying. This great hero of the American people. |
1380 | 01:03:40,859 | 01:03:43,553 | And out of respect, Sitting Bull says to the Lone Ranger, | And out of respect, Sitting Bull says to the Lone Ranger, |
1381 | 01:03:43,653 | 01:03:45,347 | "You're an amazing man. | "You're an amazing man. |
1382 | 01:03:45,447 | 01:03:47,849 | "So...I'm gonna kill you in three days, | "So...I'm gonna kill you in three days, |
1383 | 01:03:47,949 | 01:03:49,351 | "but I'll give you, you know, | "but I'll give you, you know, |
1384 | 01:03:49,451 | 01:03:50,935 | "three little moments, three requests, | "three little moments, three requests, |
1385 | 01:03:51,035 | 01:03:53,229 | "you know, try and ease the pain." | "you know, try and ease the pain." |
1386 | 01:03:53,329 | 01:03:54,856 | So, the Lone Ranger says, | So, the Lone Ranger says, |
1387 | 01:03:54,956 | 01:03:56,733 | "No problems at all. I'd like to talk to my horse." | "No problems at all. I'd like to talk to my horse." |
1388 | 01:03:56,833 | 01:03:58,151 | So, they bring Silver in, | So, they bring Silver in, |
1389 | 01:03:58,251 | 01:04:00,820 | and the Lone Ranger whispers in that beautiful horse's ear, | and the Lone Ranger whispers in that beautiful horse's ear, |
1390 | 01:04:00,920 | 01:04:02,822 | and all of a sudden... | and all of a sudden... |
1391 | 01:04:02,922 | 01:04:05,783 | ..out over the horizon, Silver gallops. | ..out over the horizon, Silver gallops. |
1392 | 01:04:05,883 | 01:04:07,535 | Comes back a couple of hours later | Comes back a couple of hours later |
1393 | 01:04:07,635 | 01:04:10,204 | with the most beautiful lady riding on his back. | with the most beautiful lady riding on his back. |
1394 | 01:04:10,304 | 01:04:11,789 | Beautiful, lovely blonde lady. | Beautiful, lovely blonde lady. |
1395 | 01:04:11,889 | 01:04:15,125 | And she goes into the tent with the Lone Ranger, | And she goes into the tent with the Lone Ranger, |
1396 | 01:04:15,225 | 01:04:16,585 | and they spend the night. | and they spend the night. |
1397 | 01:04:16,685 | 01:04:17,795 | She comes out, | She comes out, |
1398 | 01:04:17,895 | 01:04:20,130 | and Sitting Bull is, of course, very impressed with this - | and Sitting Bull is, of course, very impressed with this - |
1399 | 01:04:20,230 | 01:04:23,383 | this connection between man and beast he's not seen before. | this connection between man and beast he's not seen before. |
1400 | 01:04:23,483 | 01:04:25,927 | So he says, "You're an amazing guy, Lone Ranger. | So he says, "You're an amazing guy, Lone Ranger. |
1401 | 01:04:26,027 | 01:04:28,805 | "I'm gonna kill you in two days, but, still, um..." | "I'm gonna kill you in two days, but, still, um..." |
1402 | 01:04:31,324 | 01:04:34,811 | "So, I...do you want another little request or something?" | "So, I...do you want another little request or something?" |
1403 | 01:04:34,911 | 01:04:36,187 | And the Lone Ranger says, | And the Lone Ranger says, |
1404 | 01:04:36,287 | 01:04:39,732 | "I'll do that. I'd like to talk to my horse again." | "I'll do that. I'd like to talk to my horse again." |
1405 | 01:04:39,832 | 01:04:42,193 | So Silver comes in. He whispers in Silver's ear. | So Silver comes in. He whispers in Silver's ear. |
1406 | 01:04:42,293 | 01:04:44,570 | Same thing - boom! - gallops over the horizon. | Same thing - boom! - gallops over the horizon. |
1407 | 01:04:44,670 | 01:04:45,988 | In two hours, comes back - | In two hours, comes back - |
1408 | 01:04:46,088 | 01:04:50,618 | this time, another lovely lady, a brunette this time, | this time, another lovely lady, a brunette this time, |
1409 | 01:04:50,718 | 01:04:53,913 | and more intelligent and voluptuous and quite a stunner. | and more intelligent and voluptuous and quite a stunner. |
1410 | 01:04:54,013 | 01:04:55,581 | And in she goes into the tent, | And in she goes into the tent, |
1411 | 01:04:55,681 | 01:04:58,083 | and who knows what happens betwixt the sheets that night? | and who knows what happens betwixt the sheets that night? |
1412 | 01:04:58,183 | 01:04:59,626 | "Betwixt"! | "Betwixt"! |
1413 | 01:04:59,726 | 01:05:01,170 | And they come out in the morning | And they come out in the morning |
1414 | 01:05:01,270 | 01:05:03,547 | and the Lone Ranger's looking around again. | and the Lone Ranger's looking around again. |
1415 | 01:05:03,647 | 01:05:05,132 | Sitting Bull says, "This is quite something. | Sitting Bull says, "This is quite something. |
1416 | 01:05:05,232 | 01:05:06,925 | "That is quite a special horse. | "That is quite a special horse. |
1417 | 01:05:07,025 | 01:05:09,928 | "I will kill you tomorrow, still, | "I will kill you tomorrow, still, |
1418 | 01:05:10,028 | 01:05:12,430 | "because I hate everything about you." | "because I hate everything about you." |
1419 | 01:05:14,240 | 01:05:15,600 | "But I'll give you one more request, | "But I'll give you one more request, |
1420 | 01:05:15,700 | 01:05:16,810 | "since you're so amazing." | "since you're so amazing." |
1421 | 01:05:16,910 | 01:05:18,812 | And this time, the Lone Ranger says, "No problems at all. | And this time, the Lone Ranger says, "No problems at all. |
1422 | 01:05:18,912 | 01:05:20,563 | "This time, could I just have | "This time, could I just have |
1423 | 01:05:20,663 | 01:05:23,149 | "a quiet word with the horse in private?" | "a quiet word with the horse in private?" |
1424 | 01:05:23,249 | 01:05:24,525 | "Yeah, no problems at all." | "Yeah, no problems at all." |
1425 | 01:05:24,625 | 01:05:27,153 | So the horse goes into the tent, and finally, he's alone, | So the horse goes into the tent, and finally, he's alone, |
1426 | 01:05:27,253 | 01:05:29,697 | and the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by the ears, | and the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by the ears, |
1427 | 01:05:29,797 | 01:05:31,282 | he looks into his eyes, he says, | he looks into his eyes, he says, |
1428 | 01:05:31,382 | 01:05:34,952 | "I will tell you clearly - bring POSSE!" | "I will tell you clearly - bring POSSE!" |
1429 | 01:05:40,432 | 01:05:44,294 | ♪ Don't you think twice, babe | ♪ Don't you think twice, babe |
1430 | 01:05:44,394 | 01:05:46,480 | ♪ Don't think twice | ♪ Don't think twice |
1431 | 01:05:48,315 | 01:05:50,967 | ♪ Don't think twice... ♪ | ♪ Don't think twice... ♪ |
1432 | 01:05:51,067 | 01:05:53,887 | OK, so, there's this, um, army captain | OK, so, there's this, um, army captain |
1433 | 01:05:53,987 | 01:05:55,472 | and he goes out to visit the troops | and he goes out to visit the troops |
1434 | 01:05:55,572 | 01:05:57,098 | in the middle of the desert, and he hasn't... | in the middle of the desert, and he hasn't... |
1435 | 01:05:57,198 | 01:05:58,892 | They've been out there for months and months and months | They've been out there for months and months and months |
1436 | 01:05:58,992 | 01:06:00,268 | on their own. | on their own. |
1437 | 01:06:00,368 | 01:06:02,312 | So, he's like, "OK, guys, are you gonna show me around?" | So, he's like, "OK, guys, are you gonna show me around?" |
1438 | 01:06:02,412 | 01:06:04,439 | And they go, "Well...yeah, alright." | And they go, "Well...yeah, alright." |
1439 | 01:06:04,539 | 01:06:07,191 | So, it's like, "There's a tent, and there's another tent, | So, it's like, "There's a tent, and there's another tent, |
1440 | 01:06:07,291 | 01:06:08,901 | "and there's another tent. | "and there's another tent. |
1441 | 01:06:09,001 | 01:06:12,071 | "That's...pretty much it. | "That's...pretty much it. |
1442 | 01:06:12,171 | 01:06:13,531 | "Yep." | "Yep." |
1443 | 01:06:13,631 | 01:06:15,366 | And he goes, "Well, what's that?" | And he goes, "Well, what's that?" |
1444 | 01:06:15,466 | 01:06:18,202 | There's, like, this really sad-looking camel. | There's, like, this really sad-looking camel. |
1445 | 01:06:18,302 | 01:06:20,287 | And they went, "Oh. | And they went, "Oh. |
1446 | 01:06:20,387 | 01:06:22,498 | "Yeah, that's, uh... that's the camel." | "Yeah, that's, uh... that's the camel." |
1447 | 01:06:22,598 | 01:06:24,917 | And he goes, "Why is it so sad?" | And he goes, "Why is it so sad?" |
1448 | 01:06:25,017 | 01:06:27,753 | And he goes, "Well, it's really... | And he goes, "Well, it's really... |
1449 | 01:06:27,853 | 01:06:30,213 | "..been a while out here in the desert, | "..been a while out here in the desert, |
1450 | 01:06:30,313 | 01:06:32,257 | "and there's no women, and... | "and there's no women, and... |
1451 | 01:06:32,357 | 01:06:35,927 | "..so sometimes we... take the camel and... | "..so sometimes we... take the camel and... |
1452 | 01:06:36,027 | 01:06:38,113 | "..you know." | "..you know." |
1453 | 01:06:38,613 | 01:06:41,725 | And he goes, "Oh. OK." | And he goes, "Oh. OK." |
1454 | 01:06:41,825 | 01:06:44,602 | Anyway, so, a few days go past | Anyway, so, a few days go past |
1455 | 01:06:44,702 | 01:06:47,080 | and the captain sort of looks at the camel and goes... | and the captain sort of looks at the camel and goes... |
1456 | 01:06:48,206 | 01:06:50,358 | .."Nah. No, I'll be alright." | .."Nah. No, I'll be alright." |
1457 | 01:06:50,458 | 01:06:54,070 | And then a couple of weeks go past and he's like... | And then a couple of weeks go past and he's like... |
1458 | 01:06:54,170 | 01:06:55,780 | "OK, well... | "OK, well... |
1459 | 01:06:55,880 | 01:06:57,448 | "Nah, I'll be right. No, it's OK." | "Nah, I'll be right. No, it's OK." |
1460 | 01:06:57,548 | 01:07:01,285 | And then a month later, he's like, "Guys, grab that camel. | And then a month later, he's like, "Guys, grab that camel. |
1461 | 01:07:01,385 | 01:07:03,787 | "Get it in the tent. Get it in the tent now." | "Get it in the tent. Get it in the tent now." |
1462 | 01:07:03,887 | 01:07:05,831 | So, they take the camel in the tent | So, they take the camel in the tent |
1463 | 01:07:05,931 | 01:07:08,375 | and he's, like...gets his pants down and he roots the camel | and he's, like...gets his pants down and he roots the camel |
1464 | 01:07:08,475 | 01:07:10,002 | and he comes out and he goes, | and he comes out and he goes, |
1465 | 01:07:10,102 | 01:07:11,879 | "So, that's what we do in the desert, is it?" | "So, that's what we do in the desert, is it?" |
1466 | 01:07:11,979 | 01:07:14,589 | And the guys go, "We usually just ride it into town | And the guys go, "We usually just ride it into town |
1467 | 01:07:14,689 | 01:07:16,133 | "and get a girl, but..." | "and get a girl, but..." |
1468 | 01:07:18,151 | 01:07:20,236 | "..good on you." | "..good on you." |
1469 | 01:07:44,385 | 01:07:48,722 | ♪ Let's go driving on this highway | ♪ Let's go driving on this highway |
1470 | 01:07:50,182 | 01:07:52,267 | ♪ Let me wander | ♪ Let me wander |
1471 | 01:07:53,936 | 01:07:56,646 | ♪ Far and wide | ♪ Far and wide |
1472 | 01:07:59,733 | 01:08:04,237 | ♪ Got my arm out of the window | ♪ Got my arm out of the window |
1473 | 01:08:05,613 | 01:08:11,661 | ♪ With my baggage on fire by my side | ♪ With my baggage on fire by my side |
1474 | 01:08:15,581 | 01:08:20,653 | ♪ All I see is this orange colour | ♪ All I see is this orange colour |
1475 | 01:08:20,753 | 01:08:23,255 | ♪ I see it glowing | ♪ I see it glowing |
1476 | 01:08:24,715 | 01:08:28,244 | ♪ A burning blaze... ♪ | ♪ A burning blaze... ♪ |
1477 | 01:08:28,344 | 01:08:30,162 | This old bloke lives just down the road from us, | This old bloke lives just down the road from us, |
1478 | 01:08:30,262 | 01:08:32,539 | and he's getting on a bit, he lost his wife a few years ago, | and he's getting on a bit, he lost his wife a few years ago, |
1479 | 01:08:32,639 | 01:08:33,999 | and I kind of help him out, | and I kind of help him out, |
1480 | 01:08:34,099 | 01:08:35,793 | just taking the bins out and a few things, | just taking the bins out and a few things, |
1481 | 01:08:35,893 | 01:08:38,086 | and just recently, we went through daylight saving time | and just recently, we went through daylight saving time |
1482 | 01:08:38,186 | 01:08:39,963 | and it was the day after, | and it was the day after, |
1483 | 01:08:40,063 | 01:08:41,757 | and I went in there, and he leaves the front door open. | and I went in there, and he leaves the front door open. |
1484 | 01:08:41,857 | 01:08:43,300 | I said, "Are you there, Harold? Are you there?" | I said, "Are you there, Harold? Are you there?" |
1485 | 01:08:43,400 | 01:08:44,801 | And I couldn't hear anything, and I walked in, | And I couldn't hear anything, and I walked in, |
1486 | 01:08:44,901 | 01:08:47,137 | and when I walked in, he was sitting on the couch | and when I walked in, he was sitting on the couch |
1487 | 01:08:47,237 | 01:08:48,847 | with some boot polish | with some boot polish |
1488 | 01:08:48,947 | 01:08:51,683 | and rubbing black boot polish on his dick. | and rubbing black boot polish on his dick. |
1489 | 01:08:51,783 | 01:08:53,977 | And I had to go, "No, no, Harold! | And I had to go, "No, no, Harold! |
1490 | 01:08:54,077 | 01:08:55,937 | "Harold, what I said was, | "Harold, what I said was, |
1491 | 01:08:56,037 | 01:08:58,606 | "'Don't forget to turn your CLOCK BACK!'" | "'Don't forget to turn your CLOCK BACK!'" |
1492 | 01:09:00,166 | 01:09:02,860 | - ♪ Better days - ♪ Better days | - ♪ Better days - ♪ Better days |
1493 | 01:09:02,960 | 01:09:05,988 | ♪ I can't keep going this way | ♪ I can't keep going this way |
1494 | 01:09:06,088 | 01:09:10,092 | ♪ Something's gotta help me stay | ♪ Something's gotta help me stay |
1495 | 01:09:11,510 | 01:09:15,956 | ♪ With this world... ♪ | ♪ With this world... ♪ |
1496 | 01:09:16,056 | 01:09:18,667 | There is a guy at this pub and he is smashed. | There is a guy at this pub and he is smashed. |
1497 | 01:09:18,767 | 01:09:21,503 | He's never been this drunk before, and he's a big drinker, | He's never been this drunk before, and he's a big drinker, |
1498 | 01:09:21,603 | 01:09:25,924 | but he's completely, apoplectically smashed. | but he's completely, apoplectically smashed. |
1499 | 01:09:26,024 | 01:09:28,218 | And he says, "Righto, can't drink any more. | And he says, "Righto, can't drink any more. |
1500 | 01:09:28,318 | 01:09:29,511 | "I'm going home!" | "I'm going home!" |
1501 | 01:09:29,611 | 01:09:31,096 | And all his mates are shouting at him. | And all his mates are shouting at him. |
1502 | 01:09:31,196 | 01:09:33,264 | He's, "No, no, bugger off! I'm going home!" | He's, "No, no, bugger off! I'm going home!" |
1503 | 01:09:33,364 | 01:09:37,519 | And he falls out of his chair and drags himself to the door. | And he falls out of his chair and drags himself to the door. |
1504 | 01:09:39,329 | 01:09:40,647 | Pushes the door open. | Pushes the door open. |
1505 | 01:09:40,747 | 01:09:43,232 | "No, no, shut up! I'm not coming back in!" | "No, no, shut up! I'm not coming back in!" |
1506 | 01:09:43,332 | 01:09:44,650 | And they're all shouting. | And they're all shouting. |
1507 | 01:09:44,750 | 01:09:46,611 | And he drags himself all the way down to the highway. | And he drags himself all the way down to the highway. |
1508 | 01:09:46,711 | 01:09:49,155 | And then, "Nneeeooowww!" | And then, "Nneeeooowww!" |
1509 | 01:09:49,255 | 01:09:51,490 | "Nneeeooowww!" He makes it across the highway. | "Nneeeooowww!" He makes it across the highway. |
1510 | 01:09:51,590 | 01:09:53,826 | He goes up the street, down the street, | He goes up the street, down the street, |
1511 | 01:09:53,926 | 01:09:55,744 | over a hill and back down the hill, | over a hill and back down the hill, |
1512 | 01:09:55,844 | 01:09:58,455 | finally gets to his... to his place. | finally gets to his... to his place. |
1513 | 01:09:58,555 | 01:10:01,667 | Pushes the door open and then... | Pushes the door open and then... |
1514 | 01:10:01,767 | 01:10:04,920 | ..drags himself up the stairs, gets to his bed | ..drags himself up the stairs, gets to his bed |
1515 | 01:10:05,020 | 01:10:07,297 | and drags himself into the bed, | and drags himself into the bed, |
1516 | 01:10:07,397 | 01:10:08,799 | then goes, "Ohhh, man!" | then goes, "Ohhh, man!" |
1517 | 01:10:08,899 | 01:10:10,717 | And he falls back and says to his wife, | And he falls back and says to his wife, |
1518 | 01:10:10,817 | 01:10:14,179 | "Oh! I'm so drunk! I've never been this drunk!" | "Oh! I'm so drunk! I've never been this drunk!" |
1519 | 01:10:14,279 | 01:10:15,847 | And she sits up and says, | And she sits up and says, |
1520 | 01:10:15,947 | 01:10:19,476 | "Yes, and you've left your wheelchair at the pub again!" | "Yes, and you've left your wheelchair at the pub again!" |
1521 | 01:10:21,744 | 01:10:23,479 | It's a wheelchair joke! | It's a wheelchair joke! |
1522 | 01:10:24,956 | 01:10:27,041 | Don't leave the pub without it! | Don't leave the pub without it! |
1523 | 01:10:28,084 | 01:10:30,461 | ♪ If you only would | ♪ If you only would |
1524 | 01:10:32,254 | 01:10:35,366 | - ♪ Better days - ♪ Better days | - ♪ Better days - ♪ Better days |
1525 | 01:10:35,466 | 01:10:38,761 | ♪ I ain't got a dime to call you... ♪ | ♪ I ain't got a dime to call you... ♪ |
1526 | 01:10:40,054 | 01:10:42,581 | The hunchback of Notre Dame goes to a party. | The hunchback of Notre Dame goes to a party. |
1527 | 01:10:44,683 | 01:10:46,627 | That's not it! That's not it... | That's not it! That's not it... |
1528 | 01:10:46,727 | 01:10:48,503 | It's very dark, it's very late | It's very dark, it's very late |
1529 | 01:10:48,603 | 01:10:50,380 | and he turns up to the party a little bit late, | and he turns up to the party a little bit late, |
1530 | 01:10:50,480 | 01:10:51,923 | everyone's having a ball | everyone's having a ball |
1531 | 01:10:52,023 | 01:10:54,342 | and he sees a really lovely-looking lady | and he sees a really lovely-looking lady |
1532 | 01:10:54,442 | 01:10:56,428 | across the room. | across the room. |
1533 | 01:10:56,528 | 01:10:59,097 | And he has a few drinks and gets enough courage | And he has a few drinks and gets enough courage |
1534 | 01:10:59,197 | 01:11:00,932 | and makes his way over, right? | and makes his way over, right? |
1535 | 01:11:03,034 | 01:11:05,562 | This is my hunchback impersonation. It's terrible. | This is my hunchback impersonation. It's terrible. |
1536 | 01:11:05,662 | 01:11:07,563 | - Taps her on the shoulder. - "'Scuse me?!" | - Taps her on the shoulder. - "'Scuse me?!" |
1537 | 01:11:07,663 | 01:11:11,609 | "Can I...? Can I take you for a dance?" | "Can I...? Can I take you for a dance?" |
1538 | 01:11:11,709 | 01:11:14,528 | And she's like, "Oh! Oh, um, yep. | And she's like, "Oh! Oh, um, yep. |
1539 | 01:11:14,628 | 01:11:16,989 | "Uh, yes! I'd love to dance! Lovely!" | "Uh, yes! I'd love to dance! Lovely!" |
1540 | 01:11:17,089 | 01:11:19,575 | So, they dance throughout... | So, they dance throughout... |
1541 | 01:11:19,675 | 01:11:21,160 | And he's a really good dancer. | And he's a really good dancer. |
1542 | 01:11:21,260 | 01:11:22,953 | Like, he's doing the worm, the full bit. | Like, he's doing the worm, the full bit. |
1543 | 01:11:24,680 | 01:11:27,040 | And he says, "Can I get you a drink? I can make you a drink?" | And he says, "Can I get you a drink? I can make you a drink?" |
1544 | 01:11:27,140 | 01:11:28,709 | And she's like, "That would be lovely." | And she's like, "That would be lovely." |
1545 | 01:11:28,809 | 01:11:30,419 | She can barely see this guy but she's like, | She can barely see this guy but she's like, |
1546 | 01:11:30,519 | 01:11:31,837 | "Yeah, great. Sounds great." | "Yeah, great. Sounds great." |
1547 | 01:11:31,937 | 01:11:33,463 | He makes her a drink. The night progresses. | He makes her a drink. The night progresses. |
1548 | 01:11:33,563 | 01:11:36,174 | He's made her many drinks, they've had many dances, | He's made her many drinks, they've had many dances, |
1549 | 01:11:36,274 | 01:11:37,843 | and he's had a few drinks himself | and he's had a few drinks himself |
1550 | 01:11:37,943 | 01:11:39,678 | and thinks, "Alright, I'm gonna...see if I can... | and thinks, "Alright, I'm gonna...see if I can... |
1551 | 01:11:39,778 | 01:11:41,513 | "I think I might be in here." | "I think I might be in here." |
1552 | 01:11:41,613 | 01:11:44,891 | So, he goes, "Would you consider coming home with me?" | So, he goes, "Would you consider coming home with me?" |
1553 | 01:11:44,991 | 01:11:46,559 | And she's like... | And she's like... |
1554 | 01:11:46,659 | 01:11:49,270 | She's a bit tanked, so she's like, "Well... Yeah, alright. | She's a bit tanked, so she's like, "Well... Yeah, alright. |
1555 | 01:11:49,370 | 01:11:51,189 | "That sounds kind of fun. Great. Yeah." | "That sounds kind of fun. Great. Yeah." |
1556 | 01:11:51,289 | 01:11:53,608 | And, so, he wanders out the front | And, so, he wanders out the front |
1557 | 01:11:53,708 | 01:11:56,068 | and there's a hansom cab waiting, naturally, | and there's a hansom cab waiting, naturally, |
1558 | 01:11:56,168 | 01:11:59,071 | and he gets over to the hansom cab and, um... | and he gets over to the hansom cab and, um... |
1559 | 01:11:59,171 | 01:12:01,532 | ..tries to blow out the candle. | ..tries to blow out the candle. |
1560 | 01:12:01,632 | 01:12:03,993 | And "Sss! Sss!" Blows out the candles, so she can't... | And "Sss! Sss!" Blows out the candles, so she can't... |
1561 | 01:12:04,093 | 01:12:05,911 | 'Cause he's very conscious, | 'Cause he's very conscious, |
1562 | 01:12:06,011 | 01:12:08,288 | if she sees him, she's not gonna come home. | if she sees him, she's not gonna come home. |
1563 | 01:12:08,388 | 01:12:11,834 | So, they get in the hansom cab, get back to Notre Dame. | So, they get in the hansom cab, get back to Notre Dame. |
1564 | 01:12:11,934 | 01:12:15,379 | She's like, "Oh, this is enormous! Is this your place?" | She's like, "Oh, this is enormous! Is this your place?" |
1565 | 01:12:15,479 | 01:12:17,422 | He's like, "Yeah, it's not bad!" | He's like, "Yeah, it's not bad!" |
1566 | 01:12:17,522 | 01:12:19,966 | "I'm very sorry about all the stairs." | "I'm very sorry about all the stairs." |
1567 | 01:12:20,066 | 01:12:21,927 | She's like, "Oh, no, that's OK." | She's like, "Oh, no, that's OK." |
1568 | 01:12:22,027 | 01:12:24,721 | So, they go up the stairs and as they're going up the stairs, | So, they go up the stairs and as they're going up the stairs, |
1569 | 01:12:24,821 | 01:12:27,390 | he's... .. trying to blow out the candles... | he's... .. trying to blow out the candles... |
1570 | 01:12:27,490 | 01:12:30,852 | "Sss! Sss!" Doing all the candles on the way up. | "Sss! Sss!" Doing all the candles on the way up. |
1571 | 01:12:30,952 | 01:12:32,854 | They get to the top - the view's spectacular. | They get to the top - the view's spectacular. |
1572 | 01:12:32,954 | 01:12:35,064 | She's like, "This is amazing." | She's like, "This is amazing." |
1573 | 01:12:35,164 | 01:12:37,525 | He's like, "Yeah, it's not bad. | He's like, "Yeah, it's not bad. |
1574 | 01:12:37,625 | 01:12:40,778 | "Would you consider having sex with me?" | "Would you consider having sex with me?" |
1575 | 01:12:40,878 | 01:12:42,613 | And she's pretty tanked | And she's pretty tanked |
1576 | 01:12:42,713 | 01:12:44,949 | and she's looking at the view, she's in a great pad, | and she's looking at the view, she's in a great pad, |
1577 | 01:12:45,049 | 01:12:46,742 | and she's like, "Yeah, OK. Why not? | and she's like, "Yeah, OK. Why not? |
1578 | 01:12:46,842 | 01:12:48,410 | "Yeah, alright. Sounds good." | "Yeah, alright. Sounds good." |
1579 | 01:12:48,510 | 01:12:51,538 | And, so, they go to bed and they have really great sex. | And, so, they go to bed and they have really great sex. |
1580 | 01:12:51,638 | 01:12:54,083 | Great...great sex. All night. | Great...great sex. All night. |
1581 | 01:12:54,183 | 01:12:56,293 | And they fall asleep in each other's arms. | And they fall asleep in each other's arms. |
1582 | 01:12:56,393 | 01:12:58,545 | It's beautiful, very romantic. | It's beautiful, very romantic. |
1583 | 01:12:58,645 | 01:13:03,592 | The next morning, the sun is coming through the window | The next morning, the sun is coming through the window |
1584 | 01:13:03,692 | 01:13:06,761 | and she is awoken by the sunlight | and she is awoken by the sunlight |
1585 | 01:13:06,861 | 01:13:09,723 | and sort of sits up and looks across | and sort of sits up and looks across |
1586 | 01:13:09,823 | 01:13:12,600 | and discovers the hunchback | and discovers the hunchback |
1587 | 01:13:12,700 | 01:13:14,952 | and what she's spent the evening with... | and what she's spent the evening with... |
1588 | 01:13:16,329 | 01:13:18,648 | ..and... | ..and... |
1589 | 01:13:18,748 | 01:13:20,358 | She vomits everywhere. Everywhere. | She vomits everywhere. Everywhere. |
1590 | 01:13:20,458 | 01:13:22,276 | All over the doona, the pillow, everywhere. | All over the doona, the pillow, everywhere. |
1591 | 01:13:22,376 | 01:13:23,945 | She's vomited everywhere. | She's vomited everywhere. |
1592 | 01:13:24,045 | 01:13:26,822 | He, of course, wakes up to the sound of this woman vomiting, | He, of course, wakes up to the sound of this woman vomiting, |
1593 | 01:13:26,922 | 01:13:29,158 | turns over and goes, "Oh... | turns over and goes, "Oh... |
1594 | 01:13:29,258 | 01:13:30,910 | "Are you alright?" | "Are you alright?" |
1595 | 01:13:31,010 | 01:13:32,870 | And she says, "Oh..." She's very polite. | And she says, "Oh..." She's very polite. |
1596 | 01:13:32,970 | 01:13:35,039 | "Oh, yes. I'm so sorry. | "Oh, yes. I'm so sorry. |
1597 | 01:13:35,139 | 01:13:37,875 | "I had a lot to drink. The...the altitude... | "I had a lot to drink. The...the altitude... |
1598 | 01:13:37,975 | 01:13:40,002 | "I've just...I've just thrown up everywhere. | "I've just...I've just thrown up everywhere. |
1599 | 01:13:40,102 | 01:13:42,421 | "I'm so sorry. Just thrown up everywhere." | "I'm so sorry. Just thrown up everywhere." |
1600 | 01:13:42,521 | 01:13:45,590 | And he says, "Oh, that's OK. Thank God. | And he says, "Oh, that's OK. Thank God. |
1601 | 01:13:45,690 | 01:13:47,843 | "For a second I thought my back had burst." | "For a second I thought my back had burst." |
1602 | 01:14:25,395 | 01:14:30,317 | ♪ I've seen blood on your horizon | ♪ I've seen blood on your horizon |
1603 | 01:14:31,568 | 01:14:36,181 | ♪ I see hope in your eyes... ♪ | ♪ I see hope in your eyes... ♪ |
1604 | 01:14:36,281 | 01:14:38,183 | This guy's waiting at a bar | This guy's waiting at a bar |
1605 | 01:14:38,283 | 01:14:40,059 | and he's supposed to be meeting a girl | and he's supposed to be meeting a girl |
1606 | 01:14:40,159 | 01:14:42,353 | and he's been waiting for about an hour - a bit of a no-show. | and he's been waiting for about an hour - a bit of a no-show. |
1607 | 01:14:42,453 | 01:14:44,105 | And he's kind of used to this happening | And he's kind of used to this happening |
1608 | 01:14:44,205 | 01:14:45,773 | and he kind of thought, "Oh, it's happened again." | and he kind of thought, "Oh, it's happened again." |
1609 | 01:14:45,873 | 01:14:47,650 | And down the end of the bar, there's another lady waiting | And down the end of the bar, there's another lady waiting |
1610 | 01:14:47,750 | 01:14:49,610 | and he's noticed she's been there for about the same time. | and he's noticed she's been there for about the same time. |
1611 | 01:14:49,710 | 01:14:51,404 | In the end, he's said, "Can I buy the lady there a drink? | In the end, he's said, "Can I buy the lady there a drink? |
1612 | 01:14:51,504 | 01:14:53,114 | "I don't want to chat her up or anything. | "I don't want to chat her up or anything. |
1613 | 01:14:53,214 | 01:14:54,573 | "It's just if she's going through what I am, | "It's just if she's going through what I am, |
1614 | 01:14:54,673 | 01:14:56,283 | "I know what it feels like," and just say, | "I know what it feels like," and just say, |
1615 | 01:14:56,383 | 01:14:58,285 | "'From a man at the other end of the bar. Nothing in it.'" | "'From a man at the other end of the bar. Nothing in it.'" |
1616 | 01:14:58,385 | 01:15:00,162 | So, he buys her a drink and the barman explains to her, | So, he buys her a drink and the barman explains to her, |
1617 | 01:15:00,262 | 01:15:01,872 | "It's from the guy at the end of the bar." | "It's from the guy at the end of the bar." |
1618 | 01:15:01,972 | 01:15:03,624 | And he doesn't go to her. Another hour goes past. | And he doesn't go to her. Another hour goes past. |
1619 | 01:15:03,724 | 01:15:05,626 | And she thinks, "God, he meant that." | And she thinks, "God, he meant that." |
1620 | 01:15:05,726 | 01:15:07,085 | Anyway, and they get chatting | Anyway, and they get chatting |
1621 | 01:15:07,185 | 01:15:08,795 | and she kind of thinks, "This is a nice guy." | and she kind of thinks, "This is a nice guy." |
1622 | 01:15:08,895 | 01:15:10,547 | So, she ends up drinking too much | So, she ends up drinking too much |
1623 | 01:15:10,647 | 01:15:12,132 | and she says, "Gosh, I was supposed to drive home. | and she says, "Gosh, I was supposed to drive home. |
1624 | 01:15:12,232 | 01:15:13,633 | "I was only gonna have a couple." | "I was only gonna have a couple." |
1625 | 01:15:13,733 | 01:15:15,468 | And he says, "If you want, I live just round the corner." | And he says, "If you want, I live just round the corner." |
1626 | 01:15:15,568 | 01:15:17,053 | "You're more than welcome to stay the night." | "You're more than welcome to stay the night." |
1627 | 01:15:17,153 | 01:15:18,596 | So, he says, "Look, I'm gonna be gone | So, he says, "Look, I'm gonna be gone |
1628 | 01:15:18,696 | 01:15:20,056 | "pretty early in the morning. | "pretty early in the morning. |
1629 | 01:15:20,156 | 01:15:22,475 | "You can stay in my room. I'm gonna sleep on the couch." | "You can stay in my room. I'm gonna sleep on the couch." |
1630 | 01:15:22,575 | 01:15:24,143 | And she thinks, "This is a bit of a con." | And she thinks, "This is a bit of a con." |
1631 | 01:15:24,243 | 01:15:25,937 | But sure enough, he's putting a doona on the couch | But sure enough, he's putting a doona on the couch |
1632 | 01:15:26,037 | 01:15:27,939 | and, so, he leads her into the room, opens the room, | and, so, he leads her into the room, opens the room, |
1633 | 01:15:28,039 | 01:15:29,440 | and it's this beautiful room, | and it's this beautiful room, |
1634 | 01:15:29,540 | 01:15:31,067 | everything's neat as you could ever imagine. | everything's neat as you could ever imagine. |
1635 | 01:15:31,167 | 01:15:32,818 | He goes back and just gets on the couch | He goes back and just gets on the couch |
1636 | 01:15:32,918 | 01:15:34,278 | and puts the doona over. | and puts the doona over. |
1637 | 01:15:34,378 | 01:15:36,197 | And she's sitting there, thinking, "Is this a con?" | And she's sitting there, thinking, "Is this a con?" |
1638 | 01:15:36,297 | 01:15:38,491 | Nup. Time goes by, she looks in the room | Nup. Time goes by, she looks in the room |
1639 | 01:15:38,591 | 01:15:40,993 | and not only is it perfect, but he's got all these shelves | and not only is it perfect, but he's got all these shelves |
1640 | 01:15:41,093 | 01:15:43,120 | and he's got, like, teddy bears and they're arranged. | and he's got, like, teddy bears and they're arranged. |
1641 | 01:15:43,220 | 01:15:44,997 | Everything is so neat. They're arranged. | Everything is so neat. They're arranged. |
1642 | 01:15:45,097 | 01:15:46,623 | Like, the biggest teddies on the top | Like, the biggest teddies on the top |
1643 | 01:15:46,723 | 01:15:48,083 | and medium-sized one on the middle | and medium-sized one on the middle |
1644 | 01:15:48,183 | 01:15:49,668 | and little ones down the bottom. | and little ones down the bottom. |
1645 | 01:15:49,768 | 01:15:51,712 | And she's like, "Oh, my God, this is the nicest guy..." | And she's like, "Oh, my God, this is the nicest guy..." |
1646 | 01:15:51,812 | 01:15:53,505 | She said, "I'm just gonna go and ask him | She said, "I'm just gonna go and ask him |
1647 | 01:15:53,605 | 01:15:55,173 | "if he'd like to stay in the room with me." | "if he'd like to stay in the room with me." |
1648 | 01:15:55,273 | 01:15:56,800 | So, "If you would like to have sex, | So, "If you would like to have sex, |
1649 | 01:15:56,900 | 01:15:58,802 | "I think you're the right sort of person I should do it with." | "I think you're the right sort of person I should do it with." |
1650 | 01:15:58,902 | 01:16:00,679 | Well, to her surprise, it goes for an hour and a half. | Well, to her surprise, it goes for an hour and a half. |
1651 | 01:16:00,779 | 01:16:04,140 | It is the best sex she has ever had in her life, | It is the best sex she has ever had in her life, |
1652 | 01:16:04,240 | 01:16:05,934 | and she is exhausted. | and she is exhausted. |
1653 | 01:16:06,034 | 01:16:07,518 | At the end, she's collapsed. | At the end, she's collapsed. |
1654 | 01:16:07,618 | 01:16:09,187 | She's sweated all she can sweat. | She's sweated all she can sweat. |
1655 | 01:16:09,287 | 01:16:10,813 | There's no more swear words. | There's no more swear words. |
1656 | 01:16:10,913 | 01:16:12,607 | She cannot lay her tongue to another swear word. | She cannot lay her tongue to another swear word. |
1657 | 01:16:12,707 | 01:16:14,192 | It's been so amazing. | It's been so amazing. |
1658 | 01:16:14,292 | 01:16:16,944 | And she goes, "Oh! That was amazing!" | And she goes, "Oh! That was amazing!" |
1659 | 01:16:17,044 | 01:16:18,487 | "How good was that?!" | "How good was that?!" |
1660 | 01:16:18,587 | 01:16:21,740 | And he said, "Yeah, yeah, it was pretty good. | And he said, "Yeah, yeah, it was pretty good. |
1661 | 01:16:21,840 | 01:16:23,576 | "Anything from the bottom shelf." | "Anything from the bottom shelf." |
1662 | 01:16:29,097 | 01:16:31,792 | A bit of a carny joke there. Sorry, folks. | A bit of a carny joke there. Sorry, folks. |
1663 | 01:16:31,892 | 01:16:34,169 | - ♪ Funny - ♪ Funny | - ♪ Funny - ♪ Funny |
1664 | 01:16:34,269 | 01:16:36,046 | ♪ Ooh-hoo | ♪ Ooh-hoo |
1665 | 01:16:36,146 | 01:16:38,799 | ♪ Is another man's pain? | ♪ Is another man's pain? |
1666 | 01:16:38,899 | 01:16:41,651 | ♪ Oh, another man's pain | ♪ Oh, another man's pain |
1667 | 01:16:50,118 | 01:16:53,187 | One of the richest guys in Australia. He's met everybody. | One of the richest guys in Australia. He's met everybody. |
1668 | 01:16:53,287 | 01:16:54,939 | He's been invited to everything! | He's been invited to everything! |
1669 | 01:16:55,039 | 01:16:56,858 | But he hasn't met the Pope. | But he hasn't met the Pope. |
1670 | 01:16:56,958 | 01:17:00,027 | So, first-class, over to the Vatican he goes. | So, first-class, over to the Vatican he goes. |
1671 | 01:17:00,127 | 01:17:02,238 | And he, uh, decks himself out. | And he, uh, decks himself out. |
1672 | 01:17:02,338 | 01:17:04,490 | He's got the best suit, the best haircut, | He's got the best suit, the best haircut, |
1673 | 01:17:04,590 | 01:17:06,825 | the best shoes, the works - he's gonna meet the Pope. | the best shoes, the works - he's gonna meet the Pope. |
1674 | 01:17:06,925 | 01:17:09,912 | And he gets to the front of the line outside of the Vatican, | And he gets to the front of the line outside of the Vatican, |
1675 | 01:17:10,012 | 01:17:12,039 | where everyone waits for the Pope to come out. | where everyone waits for the Pope to come out. |
1676 | 01:17:12,139 | 01:17:16,001 | And there's a guy next to him - he's homeless, filthy, stank! | And there's a guy next to him - he's homeless, filthy, stank! |
1677 | 01:17:16,101 | 01:17:19,504 | And the Popemobile comes out into the, um... | And the Popemobile comes out into the, um... |
1678 | 01:17:19,604 | 01:17:21,006 | ..Pope area... | ..Pope area... |
1679 | 01:17:25,110 | 01:17:27,929 | - The Potpourri. - The Potpourri. | - The Potpourri. - The Potpourri. |
1680 | 01:17:28,029 | 01:17:31,141 | And he gets out of the Popemobile and he heads over, | And he gets out of the Popemobile and he heads over, |
1681 | 01:17:31,241 | 01:17:34,227 | but he goes to the filthy homeless man. | but he goes to the filthy homeless man. |
1682 | 01:17:34,327 | 01:17:37,830 | And he whispers to him, and the homeless man says... | And he whispers to him, and the homeless man says... |
1683 | 01:17:39,540 | 01:17:41,317 | And he pisses off, the Pope. | And he pisses off, the Pope. |
1684 | 01:17:43,127 | 01:17:44,737 | And the next morning, tries again | And the next morning, tries again |
1685 | 01:17:44,837 | 01:17:46,405 | but this time, he finds the homeless guy | but this time, he finds the homeless guy |
1686 | 01:17:46,505 | 01:17:48,157 | and he gives him 50 bucks | and he gives him 50 bucks |
1687 | 01:17:48,257 | 01:17:52,703 | and he says, "Give me all your clothes and...piss off." | and he says, "Give me all your clothes and...piss off." |
1688 | 01:17:52,803 | 01:17:55,748 | And, so, he wears the homeless guy's clothes | And, so, he wears the homeless guy's clothes |
1689 | 01:17:55,848 | 01:17:58,500 | and...puts dirt all over himself | and...puts dirt all over himself |
1690 | 01:17:58,600 | 01:18:00,335 | and the Popemobile comes out | and the Popemobile comes out |
1691 | 01:18:00,435 | 01:18:02,295 | and, sure enough, the Pope gets out of the Popemobile | and, sure enough, the Pope gets out of the Popemobile |
1692 | 01:18:02,395 | 01:18:03,964 | and he comes over to this guy | and he comes over to this guy |
1693 | 01:18:04,064 | 01:18:05,799 | who's dressed up as a homeless man | who's dressed up as a homeless man |
1694 | 01:18:05,899 | 01:18:07,717 | and he grabs him by the... | and he grabs him by the... |
1695 | 01:18:07,817 | 01:18:09,552 | ..just touches him on the back of the head so beautifully | ..just touches him on the back of the head so beautifully |
1696 | 01:18:09,652 | 01:18:11,137 | and he says, | and he says, |
1697 | 01:18:11,237 | 01:18:12,847 | "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday." | "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday." |
1698 | 01:18:32,299 | 01:18:34,201 | ♪ Well, the man... ♪ | ♪ Well, the man... ♪ |
1699 | 01:18:34,301 | 01:18:35,703 | This bloke runs a business. | This bloke runs a business. |
1700 | 01:18:35,803 | 01:18:37,454 | Been running it 20 years. Goes alright. | Been running it 20 years. Goes alright. |
1701 | 01:18:37,554 | 01:18:40,374 | And one day, he's standing behind the counter | And one day, he's standing behind the counter |
1702 | 01:18:40,474 | 01:18:42,376 | and he hears this voice from the heavens. | and he hears this voice from the heavens. |
1703 | 01:18:42,476 | 01:18:45,395 | "Sell the business for $3 million." | "Sell the business for $3 million." |
1704 | 01:18:46,771 | 01:18:48,298 | "What?" | "What?" |
1705 | 01:18:48,398 | 01:18:50,258 | "Sell the business for $3 million." | "Sell the business for $3 million." |
1706 | 01:18:50,358 | 01:18:51,843 | Don't know where the voice is coming from. | Don't know where the voice is coming from. |
1707 | 01:18:51,943 | 01:18:53,511 | Thinks he's half-pissed. Doesn't listen. | Thinks he's half-pissed. Doesn't listen. |
1708 | 01:18:53,611 | 01:18:55,305 | Next day, he's back at work. The voice is back. | Next day, he's back at work. The voice is back. |
1709 | 01:18:55,405 | 01:18:58,099 | "Sell the business for $3 million." | "Sell the business for $3 million." |
1710 | 01:18:58,199 | 01:18:59,976 | He said, "Who the bloody hell is...?" | He said, "Who the bloody hell is...?" |
1711 | 01:19:00,076 | 01:19:03,479 | "Don't worry who it is. Sell the business for $3 million." | "Don't worry who it is. Sell the business for $3 million." |
1712 | 01:19:03,579 | 01:19:05,273 | So, he ignores it again. | So, he ignores it again. |
1713 | 01:19:05,373 | 01:19:07,400 | Three weeks have gone by, every day, the bloody voice is back. | Three weeks have gone by, every day, the bloody voice is back. |
1714 | 01:19:07,500 | 01:19:09,235 | "Sell the business for $3 million." | "Sell the business for $3 million." |
1715 | 01:19:09,335 | 01:19:11,028 | So, on the third week, he goes, "Alright, bugger it. | So, on the third week, he goes, "Alright, bugger it. |
1716 | 01:19:11,128 | 01:19:12,822 | "I'll sell it." Rings up the real estate agent. | "I'll sell it." Rings up the real estate agent. |
1717 | 01:19:12,922 | 01:19:14,448 | "I want to sell my business." "No worries. | "I want to sell my business." "No worries. |
1718 | 01:19:14,548 | 01:19:16,200 | "How much you want?" "$3 million." "Beautiful." | "How much you want?" "$3 million." "Beautiful." |
1719 | 01:19:16,300 | 01:19:17,868 | They got him the cash. And he said, "What now?" | They got him the cash. And he said, "What now?" |
1720 | 01:19:17,968 | 01:19:19,495 | The voice said, "Go to the casino." | The voice said, "Go to the casino." |
1721 | 01:19:19,595 | 01:19:21,455 | "Go to the casino? I'm not a gambling man." | "Go to the casino? I'm not a gambling man." |
1722 | 01:19:21,555 | 01:19:24,041 | He said, "Go to the casino and take the $3 million." | He said, "Go to the casino and take the $3 million." |
1723 | 01:19:24,141 | 01:19:27,169 | So, he goes to the casino with the $3 million | So, he goes to the casino with the $3 million |
1724 | 01:19:27,269 | 01:19:29,087 | and he lobs there, and the voice says, | and he lobs there, and the voice says, |
1725 | 01:19:29,187 | 01:19:31,882 | "Now, go to the roulette wheel in the corner. | "Now, go to the roulette wheel in the corner. |
1726 | 01:19:31,982 | 01:19:34,134 | "The one over there." He's gone over there. | "The one over there." He's gone over there. |
1727 | 01:19:34,234 | 01:19:36,052 | He said, "Take the $3 million to the cash desk." | He said, "Take the $3 million to the cash desk." |
1728 | 01:19:36,152 | 01:19:38,513 | Listening to this voice, walking around the joint. | Listening to this voice, walking around the joint. |
1729 | 01:19:38,613 | 01:19:41,182 | "What now?" "Go to the cash desk with the $3 million." | "What now?" "Go to the cash desk with the $3 million." |
1730 | 01:19:41,282 | 01:19:42,892 | He's gone with the $3 million to the cash desk. | He's gone with the $3 million to the cash desk. |
1731 | 01:19:42,992 | 01:19:44,602 | They've given it to him in chips. | They've given it to him in chips. |
1732 | 01:19:44,702 | 01:19:46,604 | He's gone back over to the roulette wheel. "What now?" | He's gone back over to the roulette wheel. "What now?" |
1733 | 01:19:46,704 | 01:19:48,689 | The voice said, "Trust me. | The voice said, "Trust me. |
1734 | 01:19:48,789 | 01:19:51,943 | "Put it on 22 black. Everything. $3 million. | "Put it on 22 black. Everything. $3 million. |
1735 | 01:19:52,043 | 01:19:53,819 | "On 22 black." | "On 22 black." |
1736 | 01:19:53,919 | 01:19:55,988 | He said, "Alright, I've come this far. Bugger it." | He said, "Alright, I've come this far. Bugger it." |
1737 | 01:19:56,088 | 01:19:57,990 | And he's whacked it all on 22 black. | And he's whacked it all on 22 black. |
1738 | 01:19:58,090 | 01:19:59,575 | Bloke's spun the wheel. | Bloke's spun the wheel. |
1739 | 01:19:59,675 | 01:20:01,118 | 1 red. | 1 red. |
1740 | 01:20:01,218 | 01:20:02,745 | And the voice said... | And the voice said... |
1741 | 01:20:02,845 | 01:20:04,413 | "Shit!" | "Shit!" |
1742 | 01:20:36,335 | 01:20:38,320 | ♪ Look for | ♪ Look for |
1743 | 01:20:38,420 | 01:20:41,490 | ♪ The silver lining | ♪ The silver lining |
1744 | 01:20:41,590 | 01:20:44,451 | ♪ Whenever a cloud | ♪ Whenever a cloud |
1745 | 01:20:44,551 | 01:20:48,247 | ♪ Appears in the blue | ♪ Appears in the blue |
1746 | 01:20:48,347 | 01:20:51,625 | ♪ Just remember, somewhere | ♪ Just remember, somewhere |
1747 | 01:20:51,725 | 01:20:55,462 | ♪ The sun is shining | ♪ The sun is shining |
1748 | 01:20:55,562 | 01:20:58,840 | ♪ And so the right thing | ♪ And so the right thing |
1749 | 01:20:58,940 | 01:21:00,508 | ♪ To do | ♪ To do |
1750 | 01:21:00,608 | 01:21:03,970 | ♪ Is make it shine for you | ♪ Is make it shine for you |
1751 | 01:21:04,070 | 01:21:05,597 | ♪ A heart full | ♪ A heart full |
1752 | 01:21:05,697 | 01:21:09,309 | ♪ Of joy and gladness | ♪ Of joy and gladness |
1753 | 01:21:09,409 | 01:21:12,270 | ♪ Will always banish | ♪ Will always banish |
1754 | 01:21:12,370 | 01:21:16,440 | ♪ Sadness and strife | ♪ Sadness and strife |
1755 | 01:21:16,540 | 01:21:20,194 | ♪ So, always look for | ♪ So, always look for |
1756 | 01:21:20,294 | 01:21:23,614 | ♪ The silver lining | ♪ The silver lining |
1757 | 01:21:23,714 | 01:21:26,408 | ♪ And try to find | ♪ And try to find |
1758 | 01:21:26,508 | 01:21:29,953 | ♪ The sunny side of life... ♪ | ♪ The sunny side of life... ♪ |
1759 | 01:21:30,053 | 01:21:31,413 | The Queen, uh... | The Queen, uh... |
1760 | 01:21:31,513 | 01:21:33,415 | Remember the guy who breaks into the Queen's bedroom? | Remember the guy who breaks into the Queen's bedroom? |
1761 | 01:21:33,515 | 01:21:36,168 | Years ago, this guy broke in through the Queen's window. | Years ago, this guy broke in through the Queen's window. |
1762 | 01:21:36,268 | 01:21:38,003 | He's sitting at the end of her bed | He's sitting at the end of her bed |
1763 | 01:21:38,103 | 01:21:40,172 | and he says to the Queen, uh, | and he says to the Queen, uh, |
1764 | 01:21:40,272 | 01:21:42,090 | "Go on, show me your tits." | "Go on, show me your tits." |
1765 | 01:21:42,190 | 01:21:44,134 | And the Queen goes, "No, I will not. | And the Queen goes, "No, I will not. |
1766 | 01:21:44,234 | 01:21:46,052 | "I shouldn't even be doing this." | "I shouldn't even be doing this." |
1767 | 01:21:59,665 | 01:22:02,318 | ♪ Oh, look for | ♪ Oh, look for |
1768 | 01:22:02,418 | 01:22:06,614 | ♪ The silver lining | ♪ The silver lining |
1769 | 01:22:06,714 | 01:22:09,033 | ♪ Whenever a cloud | ♪ Whenever a cloud |
1770 | 01:22:09,133 | 01:22:12,995 | ♪ Appears in the blue | ♪ Appears in the blue |
1771 | 01:22:13,095 | 01:22:16,623 | ♪ Just remember, somewhere | ♪ Just remember, somewhere |
1772 | 01:22:16,723 | 01:22:20,335 | ♪ The sun is shining | ♪ The sun is shining |
1773 | 01:22:20,435 | 01:22:24,631 | ♪ And so the right thing | ♪ And so the right thing |
1774 | 01:22:24,731 | 01:22:26,299 | ♪ To do | ♪ To do |
1775 | 01:22:26,399 | 01:22:29,135 | ♪ Is make it shine for you | ♪ Is make it shine for you |
1776 | 01:22:29,235 | 01:22:31,304 | ♪ A heart full | ♪ A heart full |
1777 | 01:22:31,404 | 01:22:35,391 | ♪ Of joy and gladness | ♪ Of joy and gladness |
1778 | 01:22:35,491 | 01:22:38,186 | ♪ Will always banish | ♪ Will always banish |
1779 | 01:22:38,286 | 01:22:42,732 | ♪ Sadness and strife | ♪ Sadness and strife |
1780 | 01:22:42,832 | 01:22:46,068 | ♪ So, always look for | ♪ So, always look for |
1781 | 01:22:46,168 | 01:22:49,572 | ♪ The silver lining | ♪ The silver lining |
1782 | 01:22:49,672 | 01:22:52,283 | ♪ And try to find | ♪ And try to find |
1783 | 01:22:52,383 | 01:22:56,703 | ♪ The sunny side of life | ♪ The sunny side of life |
1784 | 01:22:56,803 | 01:22:59,498 | ♪ Oh, just try to find | ♪ Oh, just try to find |
1785 | 01:22:59,598 | 01:23:08,632 | ♪ The sunny side of life. ♪ | ♪ The sunny side of life. ♪ |
1786 | 01:23:40,762 | 01:23:42,848 | ♪ Baby | ♪ Baby |
1787 | 01:23:43,515 | 01:23:45,292 | ♪ I know | ♪ I know |
1788 | 01:23:45,392 | 01:23:47,669 | ♪ I got nothing good | ♪ I got nothing good |
1789 | 01:23:47,769 | 01:23:50,255 | ♪ To show | ♪ To show |
1790 | 01:23:50,355 | 01:23:52,799 | ♪ I'm hoping you call | ♪ I'm hoping you call |
1791 | 01:23:52,899 | 01:23:54,426 | ♪ My name | ♪ My name |
1792 | 01:23:54,526 | 01:23:58,112 | ♪ I got what you want all the same | ♪ I got what you want all the same |
1793 | 01:24:17,047 | 01:24:21,994 | ♪ 'Cause I've been searching for the answers | ♪ 'Cause I've been searching for the answers |
1794 | 01:24:22,094 | 01:24:26,748 | ♪ And I've been looking all night long | ♪ And I've been looking all night long |
1795 | 01:24:26,848 | 01:24:31,253 | ♪ Yeah, I've been searching for the answers | ♪ Yeah, I've been searching for the answers |
1796 | 01:24:31,353 | 01:24:35,440 | ♪ But I'm right where I belong... ♪ | ♪ But I'm right where I belong... ♪ |
1797 | 01:24:47,243 | 01:24:49,395 | I was in a restaurant the other night with me missus, | I was in a restaurant the other night with me missus, |
1798 | 01:24:49,495 | 01:24:51,397 | and she knocked her drink over. | and she knocked her drink over. |
1799 | 01:24:51,497 | 01:24:53,232 | I called the waiter over and I said, | I called the waiter over and I said, |
1800 | 01:24:53,332 | 01:24:54,817 | "My wife just knocked her drink over." | "My wife just knocked her drink over." |
1801 | 01:24:54,917 | 01:24:56,819 | He said, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll get you another one." | He said, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll get you another one." |
1802 | 01:24:56,919 | 01:24:59,238 | I said, "Beauty. Make sure the next one likes footy." | I said, "Beauty. Make sure the next one likes footy." |
1803 | 01:24:59,338 | 01:25:01,423 | Oh, my... | Oh, my... |
1804 | 01:25:04,635 | 01:25:06,120 | This morning, I accidentally swallowed | This morning, I accidentally swallowed |
1805 | 01:25:06,220 | 01:25:07,371 | a bunch of Scrabble tiles. | a bunch of Scrabble tiles. |
1806 | 01:25:07,471 | 01:25:09,039 | My next trip to the bathroom | My next trip to the bathroom |
1807 | 01:25:09,139 | 01:25:10,874 | could spell disaster. | could spell disaster. |
1808 | 01:25:14,519 | 01:25:17,714 | I had bad sunburn, so I started taking Viagra. | I had bad sunburn, so I started taking Viagra. |
1809 | 01:25:17,814 | 01:25:20,258 | Didn't help, but it kept the sheets off me legs at night. | Didn't help, but it kept the sheets off me legs at night. |
1810 | 01:25:22,193 | 01:25:23,887 | ♪ Down by the river | ♪ Down by the river |
1811 | 01:25:23,987 | 01:25:26,306 | ♪ Today | ♪ Today |
1812 | 01:25:26,406 | 01:25:28,349 | ♪ I saw my old friends | ♪ I saw my old friends |
1813 | 01:25:28,449 | 01:25:30,727 | ♪ As they washed away | ♪ As they washed away |
1814 | 01:25:30,827 | 01:25:32,895 | ♪ I listened to the wind | ♪ I listened to the wind |
1815 | 01:25:32,995 | 01:25:34,939 | ♪ Carry your name | ♪ Carry your name |
1816 | 01:25:35,039 | 01:25:38,609 | ♪ I got what you want all the same | ♪ I got what you want all the same |
1817 | 01:25:38,709 | 01:25:43,864 | ♪ 'Cause I've been searching for the answers | ♪ 'Cause I've been searching for the answers |
1818 | 01:25:43,964 | 01:25:48,494 | ♪ I've been looking all night long | ♪ I've been looking all night long |
1819 | 01:25:48,594 | 01:25:52,998 | ♪ Yeah, I've been searching for the answers | ♪ Yeah, I've been searching for the answers |
1820 | 01:25:53,098 | 01:25:57,144 | ♪ But I'm right where I belong | ♪ But I'm right where I belong |
1821 | 01:26:28,298 | 01:26:30,451 | ♪ 'Cause I've been searching | ♪ 'Cause I've been searching |
1822 | 01:26:30,551 | 01:26:33,162 | ♪ For the answers | ♪ For the answers |
1823 | 01:26:33,262 | 01:26:35,122 | ♪ I've been looking | ♪ I've been looking |
1824 | 01:26:35,222 | 01:26:37,457 | ♪ All night long | ♪ All night long |
1825 | 01:26:37,557 | 01:26:39,751 | ♪ Yeah, I've been searching | ♪ Yeah, I've been searching |
1826 | 01:26:39,851 | 01:26:42,587 | ♪ For the answers | ♪ For the answers |
1827 | 01:26:42,687 | 01:26:44,089 | ♪ 'Cause I'm right | ♪ 'Cause I'm right |
1828 | 01:26:44,189 | 01:26:46,007 | ♪ Where I belong | ♪ Where I belong |
1829 | 01:26:46,107 | 01:26:47,467 | ♪ Oh-oh | ♪ Oh-oh |
1830 | 01:26:47,567 | 01:26:49,260 | ♪ 'Cause I'm searching | ♪ 'Cause I'm searching |
1831 | 01:26:49,360 | 01:26:51,721 | ♪ For the answers | ♪ For the answers |
1832 | 01:26:51,821 | 01:26:56,601 | ♪ Yeah, I'm looking all night long | ♪ Yeah, I'm looking all night long |
1833 | 01:26:56,701 | 01:26:58,686 | ♪ Yeah, I am searching | ♪ Yeah, I am searching |
1834 | 01:26:58,786 | 01:27:00,730 | ♪ For the answers | ♪ For the answers |
1835 | 01:27:00,830 | 01:27:02,565 | ♪ 'Cause I'm right | ♪ 'Cause I'm right |
1836 | 01:27:02,665 | 01:27:04,750 | ♪ Where I belong. ♪ | ♪ Where I belong. ♪ |