# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:43,561 00:00:45,838 These two apiarists were talking to one another, These two apiarists were talking to one another,
2 00:00:45,938 00:00:47,381 and one bloke said to the other, he said, and one bloke said to the other, he said,
3 00:00:47,481 00:00:49,342 "How's your bee business going?" "How's your bee business going?"
4 00:00:49,442 00:00:52,094 And he said, "Oh, yeah, it's going on quite nicely." And he said, "Oh, yeah, it's going on quite nicely."
5 00:00:52,194 00:00:53,262 And the other fella said, And the other fella said,
6 00:00:53,362 00:00:54,805 "How many bees do you reckon you'd have?" "How many bees do you reckon you'd have?"
7 00:00:54,905 00:00:58,475 And he said, "Oh, roughly 250,000, 300,000." And he said, "Oh, roughly 250,000, 300,000."
8 00:00:58,575 00:00:59,977 He said, "Oh, that's a good number." He said, "Oh, that's a good number."
9 00:01:00,077 00:01:01,311 He said, "What about the hives?" He said, "What about the hives?"
10 00:01:01,411 00:01:02,813 He said, "Well, I've just put in another one," He said, "Well, I've just put in another one,"
11 00:01:02,913 00:01:04,523 he said, "so that makes it seven." he said, "so that makes it seven."
12 00:01:04,623 00:01:05,691 He said, "Oh, that's great." He said, "Oh, that's great."
13 00:01:05,791 00:01:07,067 The other fella said, "What about you?" The other fella said, "What about you?"
14 00:01:07,167 00:01:08,652 And he said, "Well, as you know," he said, And he said, "Well, as you know," he said,
15 00:01:08,752 00:01:10,320 "I've been doing it for a long time, "I've been doing it for a long time,
16 00:01:10,420 00:01:12,197 "and Dad was an apiarist before me." "and Dad was an apiarist before me."
17 00:01:12,297 00:01:14,241 And he said, "At the last count, And he said, "At the last count,
18 00:01:14,341 00:01:17,577 "I reckon I've got about 2.5 million to 3 million bees." "I reckon I've got about 2.5 million to 3 million bees."
19 00:01:17,677 00:01:19,329 He said, "3 million?!" the other bloke said, He said, "3 million?!" the other bloke said,
20 00:01:19,429 00:01:20,371 and he said, "Yeah." and he said, "Yeah."
21 00:01:20,471 00:01:21,956 He said, "How many hives you got?" He said, "How many hives you got?"
22 00:01:22,056 00:01:23,374 He said, "Oh, just the one." He said, "Oh, just the one."
23 00:01:23,474 00:01:25,960 He said, "3 million bees and just the one hive?" He said, "3 million bees and just the one hive?"
24 00:01:26,060 00:01:27,337 He said, "Yeah. Yeah. He said, "Yeah. Yeah.
25 00:01:27,437 00:01:29,522 "Fuck 'em." "Fuck 'em."
26 00:01:44,620 00:01:46,897 Now, what's this party all about anyhow, son? Now, what's this party all about anyhow, son?
27 00:01:46,997 00:01:49,024 Oh, it's just a party, Dad. Oh, it's just a party, Dad.
28 00:01:49,124 00:01:51,443 Yeah, I'm told they're gonna bring some jokes along. Yeah, I'm told they're gonna bring some jokes along.
29 00:01:51,543 00:01:52,861 Is that right? Is that right?
30 00:01:52,961 00:01:54,529 Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right.
31 00:01:54,629 00:01:56,715 Yeah, well, I've got a couple of jokes. Yeah, well, I've got a couple of jokes.
32 00:01:57,549 00:01:59,200 Yeah, I know you do, Dad. Yeah, I know you do, Dad.
33 00:01:59,300 00:02:02,370 Yeah. There's this bloke and his missus and 14 kids, Yeah. There's this bloke and his missus and 14 kids,
34 00:02:02,470 00:02:03,788 and they're standing at a bus stop. and they're standing at a bus stop.
35 00:02:03,888 00:02:05,707 They've got a blind bloke with them. They've got a blind bloke with them.
36 00:02:05,807 00:02:08,293 The bus pulls up and the 14 kids get on The bus pulls up and the 14 kids get on
37 00:02:08,393 00:02:10,837 and the woman gets on and the husband goes to get on and the woman gets on and the husband goes to get on
38 00:02:10,937 00:02:12,505 and the bus driver said, "Hey. Whoa. Stop. and the bus driver said, "Hey. Whoa. Stop.
39 00:02:12,605 00:02:14,674 "Too many on the bus. You're gonna have to walk." "Too many on the bus. You're gonna have to walk."
40 00:02:14,774 00:02:17,051 So he's left with the blind bloke. So he's left with the blind bloke.
41 00:02:17,151 00:02:18,678 And the blind bloke said, And the blind bloke said,
42 00:02:18,778 00:02:20,096 "Do you mind if I walk with you, mate?" "Do you mind if I walk with you, mate?"
43 00:02:20,196 00:02:21,889 And he said, "Oh, no. Nothing else can go right. And he said, "Oh, no. Nothing else can go right.
44 00:02:21,989 00:02:23,057 "You may as well walk with me." "You may as well walk with me."
45 00:02:23,157 00:02:24,558 And as the blind bloke's going along, And as the blind bloke's going along,
46 00:02:24,658 00:02:26,977 he's tapping the ground with his cane, and the fella said, he's tapping the ground with his cane, and the fella said,
47 00:02:27,077 00:02:28,729 "Must you tap that bloody thing on the ground? "Must you tap that bloody thing on the ground?
48 00:02:28,829 00:02:30,105 "It's driving me mad." "It's driving me mad."
49 00:02:30,205 00:02:31,899 And he said, "Well, I'm a blind man. And he said, "Well, I'm a blind man.
50 00:02:31,999 00:02:33,567 "It's the way I find my way along." "It's the way I find my way along."
51 00:02:33,667 00:02:35,027 And he said, "Well, yeah. And he said, "Well, yeah.
52 00:02:35,127 00:02:36,528 "Couldn't you put some rubber on your stick?" "Couldn't you put some rubber on your stick?"
53 00:02:36,628 00:02:37,654 The blind man said, The blind man said,
54 00:02:37,754 00:02:39,114 "If you'd have put some rubber on YOUR stick, "If you'd have put some rubber on YOUR stick,
55 00:02:39,214 00:02:41,299 "we'd have both got on the fuckin' bus." "we'd have both got on the fuckin' bus."
56 00:02:47,472 00:02:49,123 Remember the first limerick you told me, Remember the first limerick you told me,
57 00:02:49,223 00:02:50,458 when I was about eight? when I was about eight?
58 00:02:50,558 00:02:54,587 "Mary had a little dress with a slit right up one side. "Mary had a little dress with a slit right up one side.
59 00:02:54,687 00:02:57,924 "Every time she bent over, the boys could see her thighs. "Every time she bent over, the boys could see her thighs.
60 00:02:58,024 00:03:00,818 "Mary had another dress, with a slit right up the front. "Mary had another dress, with a slit right up the front.
61 00:03:02,570 00:03:04,655 "She didn't wear that much." "She didn't wear that much."
62 00:03:06,865 00:03:08,951 You weren't eight. You weren't eight.
63 00:03:09,660 00:03:11,745 He was fuckin' seven. He was fuckin' seven.
64 00:03:14,748 00:03:18,527 So, the invite said don't bring food and don't bring booze - So, the invite said don't bring food and don't bring booze -
65 00:03:18,627 00:03:21,613 just bring your three favourite jokes. just bring your three favourite jokes.
66 00:03:21,713 00:03:23,573 So, did you hear the one about So, did you hear the one about
67 00:03:23,673 00:03:25,492 the, um...the three lesbian hitchhikers the, um...the three lesbian hitchhikers
68 00:03:25,592 00:03:26,785 walk into a Shane Jacobson party? walk into a Shane Jacobson party?
69 00:03:26,885 00:03:28,970 What?! What?!
70 00:03:30,096 00:03:31,873 I'm looking forward to this. Thanks for the lift, darling. I'm looking forward to this. Thanks for the lift, darling.
71 00:03:31,973 00:03:33,208 Yeah. Yeah.
72 00:03:33,308 00:03:35,543 This is like Driving Miss Daisy. This is like Driving Miss Daisy.
73 00:03:37,019 00:03:39,797 Are you, um...have you got a gag worked out? Are you, um...have you got a gag worked out?
74 00:03:39,897 00:03:41,883 I'm nervous about telling it. I'm nervous about telling it.
75 00:03:41,983 00:03:44,068 - Can I try it out on you? - Yep. - Can I try it out on you? - Yep.
76 00:03:46,946 00:03:50,199 Hey, we're not far. We're looking for Clarkefield. Hey, we're not far. We're looking for Clarkefield.
77 00:03:51,575 00:03:53,185 I wanna beat you this time. I wanna beat you this time.
78 00:03:53,285 00:03:54,853 Well, you got your bike licence? Well, you got your bike licence?
79 00:03:54,953 00:03:57,039 No. No.
80 00:04:00,459 00:04:01,526 Hey, Craigs. How are you, mate? Hey, Craigs. How are you, mate?
81 00:04:01,626 00:04:02,736 Jaco. How are you, brother? Jaco. How are you, brother?
82 00:04:02,836 00:04:04,988 - Good, mate. Yourself? - Bloody well. - Good, mate. Yourself? - Bloody well.
83 00:04:06,548 00:04:07,991 Might need a bit more than that. Might need a bit more than that.
84 00:04:08,091 00:04:09,951 - Come on, mate. I also brought the ute. - Come on, mate. I also brought the ute.
85 00:04:10,051 00:04:12,137 Ute? Ute?
86 00:04:19,894 00:04:21,979 Yeah, I reckon that should do it. Yeah, I reckon that should do it.
87 00:04:23,731 00:04:26,259 Newly married couple just home from their honeymoon. Newly married couple just home from their honeymoon.
88 00:04:26,359 00:04:27,551 Yeah? Yeah?
89 00:04:27,651 00:04:28,886 First time in their marital home together, First time in their marital home together,
90 00:04:28,986 00:04:31,514 and he goes up to the bathroom, and he goes up to the bathroom,
91 00:04:31,614 00:04:33,057 and he comes down and he says, and he comes down and he says,
92 00:04:33,157 00:04:35,768 "There's a dead horse in the bath." "There's a dead horse in the bath."
93 00:04:35,868 00:04:39,062 And she says, "Well, I never said I was neat." And she says, "Well, I never said I was neat."
94 00:04:42,916 00:04:44,151 A pie walks into a bar. A pie walks into a bar.
95 00:04:44,251 00:04:45,944 - A pie? - A pie. - A pie? - A pie.
96 00:04:46,044 00:04:49,030 Well, see, that doesn't make sense. A pie wouldn't walk. Well, see, that doesn't make sense. A pie wouldn't walk.
97 00:04:49,130 00:04:50,198 I've got a joke for you. I've got a joke for you.
98 00:04:50,298 00:04:51,241 - You wanna hear it? - Yes. - You wanna hear it? - Yes.
99 00:04:51,341 00:04:52,784 This guy goes to a supermarket, right, This guy goes to a supermarket, right,
100 00:04:52,884 00:04:54,369 and he gets up to the checkout line. and he gets up to the checkout line.
101 00:04:54,469 00:04:57,455 Gets a half a loaf of bread, half a pint of milk Gets a half a loaf of bread, half a pint of milk
102 00:04:57,555 00:04:59,082 and half a dozen eggs, and half a dozen eggs,
103 00:04:59,182 00:05:00,583 and a Playboy magazine. and a Playboy magazine.
104 00:05:00,683 00:05:01,793 And the checkout chick goes, And the checkout chick goes,
105 00:05:01,893 00:05:03,086 "Hey, you're single, aren't you?" "Hey, you're single, aren't you?"
106 00:05:03,186 00:05:04,587 And he goes, "Well, how did you know?" And he goes, "Well, how did you know?"
107 00:05:04,687 00:05:07,089 She goes, "Well, you're pretty fuckin' ugly." She goes, "Well, you're pretty fuckin' ugly."
108 00:05:07,189 00:05:09,008 A pie walks into a bar and the barman says, A pie walks into a bar and the barman says,
109 00:05:09,108 00:05:10,635 "Sorry, we don't serve food here." "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
110 00:05:13,904 00:05:15,598 So, there's this elderly couple. So, there's this elderly couple.
111 00:05:15,698 00:05:19,435 They're driving home, and this cop pulls them over, see? They're driving home, and this cop pulls them over, see?
112 00:05:19,535 00:05:21,603 Puts down his window, and goes around Puts down his window, and goes around
113 00:05:21,703 00:05:23,188 and the cop says to the bloke, and the cop says to the bloke,
114 00:05:23,288 00:05:25,607 "Were you aware that you're doing 80 in a 60 zone?" "Were you aware that you're doing 80 in a 60 zone?"
115 00:05:25,707 00:05:28,068 And the wife says, "What'd he say?" And the wife says, "What'd he say?"
116 00:05:28,168 00:05:31,988 He says, "He says I was doing 80 in a 60 zone." He says, "He says I was doing 80 in a 60 zone."
117 00:05:32,088 00:05:33,406 Says, "Can I have your licence, please?" Says, "Can I have your licence, please?"
118 00:05:33,506 00:05:34,908 "What did he say?" "What did he say?"
119 00:05:35,008 00:05:37,452 He said, "He wants to see my licence." He said, "He wants to see my licence."
120 00:05:37,552 00:05:38,703 So the cop looks at the licence So the cop looks at the licence
121 00:05:38,803 00:05:39,996 and says, "Oh, you're from Ballarat. and says, "Oh, you're from Ballarat.
122 00:05:40,096 00:05:42,874 He says, "Christ, I had the worst sex in my life He says, "Christ, I had the worst sex in my life
123 00:05:42,974 00:05:43,917 "in Ballarat." "in Ballarat."
124 00:05:44,017 00:05:45,126 She says, "What did he say?" She says, "What did he say?"
125 00:05:45,226 00:05:46,627 He says, "He thinks he knows you." He says, "He thinks he knows you."
126 00:05:48,145 00:05:49,213 Dad, did I tell you about Dad, did I tell you about
127 00:05:49,313 00:05:50,840 the blonde girl that walks into a library the blonde girl that walks into a library
128 00:05:50,940 00:05:52,466 and said, "Can I have a hamburger, please?" and said, "Can I have a hamburger, please?"
129 00:05:52,566 00:05:54,051 He said, "Darling, this is a library." He said, "Darling, this is a library."
130 00:05:54,151 00:05:55,469 She said, "Oh, I am sorry." She said, "Oh, I am sorry."
131 00:05:55,569 00:05:57,221 "Can I have a hamburger, please?" "Can I have a hamburger, please?"
132 00:06:00,282 00:06:02,451 Well, Dad, I reckon we're just about right to go. Well, Dad, I reckon we're just about right to go.
133 00:06:21,511 00:06:24,164 ♪ Well, strap yourself in ♪ Well, strap yourself in
134 00:06:24,264 00:06:26,749 ♪ Hang on for the ride ♪ Hang on for the ride
135 00:06:26,849 00:06:28,668 ♪ Dirt's gonna fly ♪ Dirt's gonna fly
136 00:06:28,768 00:06:31,062 ♪ And the ground's gonna shake tonight ♪ And the ground's gonna shake tonight
137 00:06:32,730 00:06:35,341 ♪ Well, you don't have to look far ♪ Well, you don't have to look far
138 00:06:35,441 00:06:38,094 ♪ 'Cause it's right here in your backyard ♪ 'Cause it's right here in your backyard
139 00:06:38,194 00:06:41,388 ♪ There's a hundred tracks across our land ♪ There's a hundred tracks across our land
140 00:06:41,488 00:06:42,932 ♪ They call home ♪ They call home
141 00:06:43,032 00:06:45,617 ♪ This fearless band of dirt track ♪ This fearless band of dirt track
142 00:06:46,743 00:06:48,829 ♪ Dirt track cowboys ♪ Dirt track cowboys
143 00:06:49,955 00:06:52,608 ♪ Dirt track cowboys ♪ Dirt track cowboys
144 00:06:52,708 00:06:55,277 ♪ Mudslinging outlaws ♪ Mudslinging outlaws
145 00:06:55,377 00:06:57,946 ♪ This ain't no Hollywood star wars ♪ This ain't no Hollywood star wars
146 00:06:58,046 00:07:00,365 ♪ It's the real deal, open wheel ♪ It's the real deal, open wheel
147 00:07:00,465 00:07:02,550 ♪ Dirt track cowboys ♪ Dirt track cowboys
148 00:07:06,262 00:07:07,288 ♪ Well... ♪ ♪ Well... ♪
149 00:07:07,388 00:07:08,373 - How are you, mate? - Good. - How are you, mate? - Good.
150 00:07:08,473 00:07:09,999 Alright, well, I've got one for you. Alright, well, I've got one for you.
151 00:07:10,099 00:07:12,460 There's three old blokes, having a drink in a pub, There's three old blokes, having a drink in a pub,
152 00:07:12,560 00:07:13,836 which they do semi-regularly, which they do semi-regularly,
153 00:07:13,936 00:07:16,005 and they're getting on a bit, and one of them said, and they're getting on a bit, and one of them said,
154 00:07:16,105 00:07:18,090 "What do you reckon is the most dangerous thing "What do you reckon is the most dangerous thing
155 00:07:18,190 00:07:19,675 "that ever happened in your life, Trev? "that ever happened in your life, Trev?
156 00:07:19,775 00:07:22,094 "When was the moment you thought you were gonna die?" "When was the moment you thought you were gonna die?"
157 00:07:22,194 00:07:24,472 And he said, "Oh," he said, "well, for me," And he said, "Oh," he said, "well, for me,"
158 00:07:24,572 00:07:26,640 he said, "as you know, I'm 90 now, and I feel blessed," he said, "as you know, I'm 90 now, and I feel blessed,"
159 00:07:26,740 00:07:29,810 he said, "but I had an old car," he said. "Model-T." he said, "but I had an old car," he said. "Model-T."
160 00:07:29,910 00:07:31,937 And he said, "Couldn't afford to put tyres on the bastard," And he said, "Couldn't afford to put tyres on the bastard,"
161 00:07:32,037 00:07:33,856 he said, "so every time it went round a corner, he said, "so every time it went round a corner,
162 00:07:33,956 00:07:35,399 "after a while you were kinda more trying "after a while you were kinda more trying
163 00:07:35,499 00:07:36,942 "to keep the thing from crashing into a tree "to keep the thing from crashing into a tree
164 00:07:37,042 00:07:38,068 "than drive the thing. "than drive the thing.
165 00:07:38,168 00:07:39,528 "Anyway, one day it went off the side of the road "Anyway, one day it went off the side of the road
166 00:07:39,628 00:07:41,363 "and it did what I always thought it might do - rolled, "and it did what I always thought it might do - rolled,
167 00:07:41,463 00:07:42,948 "and it rolled about three or four times. "and it rolled about three or four times.
168 00:07:43,048 00:07:43,990 "We didn't have belts then." "We didn't have belts then."
169 00:07:44,090 00:07:45,950 He said, "Pretty lucky to get out of that alive. He said, "Pretty lucky to get out of that alive.
170 00:07:46,050 00:07:47,035 "I thought I was gonna die." "I thought I was gonna die."
171 00:07:47,135 00:07:48,787 And I said, "Oh, fair enough. Fair enough." And I said, "Oh, fair enough. Fair enough."
172 00:07:48,887 00:07:50,955 With that, old Richo says, "Well, I'll be honest." With that, old Richo says, "Well, I'll be honest."
173 00:07:51,055 00:07:52,707 He said, "As you know, for a while," he said, He said, "As you know, for a while," he said,
174 00:07:52,807 00:07:55,335 "I used to work making bridges, and we're in a country town, "I used to work making bridges, and we're in a country town,
175 00:07:55,435 00:07:56,919 "building a pretty decent bridge, to be honest." "building a pretty decent bridge, to be honest."
176 00:07:57,019 00:07:58,421 He said, "It was a rail bridge." He said, "It was a rail bridge."
177 00:07:58,521 00:07:59,672 And he said, "We got to the point And he said, "We got to the point
178 00:07:59,772 00:08:01,549 "where both sides almost met." "where both sides almost met."
179 00:08:01,649 00:08:03,300 And he said, "But, you know, And he said, "But, you know,
180 00:08:03,400 00:08:04,635 "we made a few mistakes here and there. "we made a few mistakes here and there.
181 00:08:04,735 00:08:05,678 "Can happen. Human error." "Can happen. Human error."
182 00:08:05,778 00:08:07,471 And he said, "The bridge started to go down. And he said, "The bridge started to go down.
183 00:08:07,571 00:08:09,765 "I had to ride the thing down. A fair way - 20, 30 metres." "I had to ride the thing down. A fair way - 20, 30 metres."
184 00:08:09,865 00:08:11,058 He said, "I thought I was a goner." He said, "I thought I was a goner."
185 00:08:11,158 00:08:13,143 He said, "So, that was the day I thought I'd die." He said, "So, that was the day I thought I'd die."
186 00:08:13,243 00:08:15,729 And he said, "But, hey, still here. We're still here, mate." And he said, "But, hey, still here. We're still here, mate."
187 00:08:15,829 00:08:17,731 And with that, they said, "Oh, Morrie. And with that, they said, "Oh, Morrie.
188 00:08:17,831 00:08:19,107 "What about you, Morrie?" "What about you, Morrie?"
189 00:08:19,207 00:08:20,734 He said, "Oh," he said, "as you know," he said, He said, "Oh," he said, "as you know," he said,
190 00:08:20,834 00:08:21,943 "I'm the oldest out of the group. "I'm the oldest out of the group.
191 00:08:22,043 00:08:23,487 "At 96, I'm going alright," he said. "At 96, I'm going alright," he said.
192 00:08:23,587 00:08:26,239 "But," he said, "when we were fighting in the Congo..." "But," he said, "when we were fighting in the Congo..."
193 00:08:26,339 00:08:27,616 He said, "We were there once." He said, "We were there once."
194 00:08:27,716 00:08:29,951 He said...and he said, "A whole bunch of reeds. He said...and he said, "A whole bunch of reeds.
195 00:08:30,051 00:08:31,870 "Pretty...pretty thick, dense stuff, it was. "Pretty...pretty thick, dense stuff, it was.
196 00:08:31,970 00:08:33,746 "Everything looked green. We were wearing green. "Everything looked green. We were wearing green.
197 00:08:33,846 00:08:35,164 "Couldn't tell each other from a plant." "Couldn't tell each other from a plant."
198 00:08:35,264 00:08:37,250 And he said, "Anyway, there was this noise, and we all froze," And he said, "Anyway, there was this noise, and we all froze,"
199 00:08:37,350 00:08:39,752 and he said, "and we're staring inside this grass," and he said, "and we're staring inside this grass,"
200 00:08:39,852 00:08:42,004 and he said, "and there's a massive tiger!" and he said, "and there's a massive tiger!"
201 00:08:42,104 00:08:44,340 "Came out and went 'Raaah'!" "Came out and went 'Raaah'!"
202 00:08:44,440 00:08:46,175 "Just shit myself." "Just shit myself."
203 00:08:46,275 00:08:48,844 And they said, "Oh, mate, that's alright. I understand. And they said, "Oh, mate, that's alright. I understand.
204 00:08:48,944 00:08:50,804 "If a tiger jumped out at me, I would've shat myself." "If a tiger jumped out at me, I would've shat myself."
205 00:08:50,904 00:08:52,640 He said, "No, not then in the Congo - He said, "No, not then in the Congo -
206 00:08:52,740 00:08:54,183 "just then when I went 'Raaah'." "just then when I went 'Raaah'."
207 00:08:54,283 00:08:55,392 I just..." I just..."
208 00:08:55,492 00:08:57,578 "..shat myself." "..shat myself."
209 00:08:57,995 00:08:59,855 ♪ Don't need to hurry ♪ Don't need to hurry
210 00:08:59,955 00:09:02,566 ♪ Or worry about tomorrow, baby ♪ Or worry about tomorrow, baby
211 00:09:02,666 00:09:04,860 ♪ It's gonna be OK... ♪ ♪ It's gonna be OK... ♪
212 00:09:04,960 00:09:06,695 A guy goes into a hardware shop A guy goes into a hardware shop
213 00:09:06,795 00:09:09,823 and he goes, "A bottle of turps," and he goes, "A bottle of turps,"
214 00:09:09,923 00:09:11,825 and the guy goes, "No. No, no. and the guy goes, "No. No, no.
215 00:09:11,925 00:09:14,744 "You're a dero. You'll be drinking that. I can see it." "You're a dero. You'll be drinking that. I can see it."
216 00:09:14,844 00:09:16,371 And he said, "No, I'm...you know, And he said, "No, I'm...you know,
217 00:09:16,471 00:09:18,081 "decorating the house, you know?" "decorating the house, you know?"
218 00:09:18,181 00:09:19,457 He said, "No, no. Look at your face. He said, "No, no. Look at your face.
219 00:09:19,557 00:09:21,584 "You're all bloodshot. You'll be drinking that." "You're all bloodshot. You'll be drinking that."
220 00:09:21,684 00:09:23,461 He said, "I'm telling you, I'm decorating the house. He said, "I'm telling you, I'm decorating the house.
221 00:09:23,561 00:09:25,171 "I'm stripping the door. I need a bottle of turps. "I'm stripping the door. I need a bottle of turps.
222 00:09:25,271 00:09:27,006 "Give me a bottle of turps, alright?" "Give me a bottle of turps, alright?"
223 00:09:27,106 00:09:28,591 Guy reaches round to get a bottle of turps Guy reaches round to get a bottle of turps
224 00:09:28,691 00:09:30,843 and he goes, "Oh, couldn't get one from the fridge, could I?" and he goes, "Oh, couldn't get one from the fridge, could I?"
225 00:09:32,194 00:09:34,847 ♪ It's gonna be OK, OK... ♪ ♪ It's gonna be OK, OK... ♪
226 00:09:34,947 00:09:36,890 So this guy goes to the confessional, OK, So this guy goes to the confessional, OK,
227 00:09:36,990 00:09:38,434 and the priest says... and the priest says...
228 00:09:38,534 00:09:40,144 - Are we gonna go him? - Yeah, yeah. - Are we gonna go him? - Yeah, yeah.
229 00:09:40,244 00:09:41,812 The priest says... The priest says...
230 00:09:41,912 00:09:43,855 He says, "Father, I have sinned." He says, "Father, I have sinned."
231 00:09:43,955 00:09:46,525 And the priest says, "Oh, tell me your sins, son." And the priest says, "Oh, tell me your sins, son."
232 00:09:46,625 00:09:48,985 Although he's 90 years old, this guy. Although he's 90 years old, this guy.
233 00:09:49,085 00:09:51,446 And he said, "Well, Father, I have been... And he said, "Well, Father, I have been...
234 00:09:51,546 00:09:53,907 "I have sex with 19-year-old." "I have sex with 19-year-old."
235 00:09:54,007 00:09:55,033 Oh. Oh.
236 00:09:55,133 00:09:56,910 And the priest said, "Hell, that IS a sin." And the priest said, "Hell, that IS a sin."
237 00:09:57,010 00:09:59,037 And he tells him to say five Hail Marys. And he tells him to say five Hail Marys.
238 00:09:59,137 00:10:02,165 And before he left, he said, "I don't recognise your voice. And before he left, he said, "I don't recognise your voice.
239 00:10:02,265 00:10:03,499 "Are you from this parish?" "Are you from this parish?"
240 00:10:03,599 00:10:06,085 And the guy says, "No, Father. And the guy says, "No, Father.
241 00:10:06,185 00:10:10,798 "I'm actually from...I'm Jewish. I'm from synagogue." "I'm actually from...I'm Jewish. I'm from synagogue."
242 00:10:10,898 00:10:14,468 And he said, "Have you told anyone else about this?" And he said, "Have you told anyone else about this?"
243 00:10:14,568 00:10:16,762 He said, "I'm telling everybody."' He said, "I'm telling everybody."'
244 00:10:19,740 00:10:22,184 That's nice. That's nice. That's nice. That's nice.
245 00:10:22,284 00:10:26,330 ♪ It's gonna be OK, OK Yeah... ♪ ♪ It's gonna be OK, OK Yeah... ♪
246 00:10:28,457 00:10:30,025 - A moth... - Yeah? - A moth... - Yeah?
247 00:10:30,125 00:10:31,485 Alright? Alright?
248 00:10:31,585 00:10:33,987 ..walks into a podiatrist's office. ..walks into a podiatrist's office.
249 00:10:34,087 00:10:36,823 Alright? This actually happened. Alright? This actually happened.
250 00:10:36,923 00:10:40,201 This is a true story. This is not a made-up one. This is a true story. This is not a made-up one.
251 00:10:40,301 00:10:41,578 Alright? Alright?
252 00:10:41,678 00:10:43,413 A moth walks into a podiatrist's office, A moth walks into a podiatrist's office,
253 00:10:43,513 00:10:47,250 and the podiatrist says, "Yeah, come in and take a seat. and the podiatrist says, "Yeah, come in and take a seat.
254 00:10:47,350 00:10:49,627 "Uh...what seems to be the problem?" "Uh...what seems to be the problem?"
255 00:10:49,727 00:10:52,964 And the moth says, "What's NOT the problem, Doctor? And the moth says, "What's NOT the problem, Doctor?
256 00:10:53,064 00:10:55,966 "What is NOT the problem? "What is NOT the problem?
257 00:10:56,066 00:10:58,177 "Every morning I wake up "Every morning I wake up
258 00:10:58,277 00:11:05,017 "next to a woman who I have fallen out of love with. "next to a woman who I have fallen out of love with.
259 00:11:05,117 00:11:06,685 "I don't love her anymore. "I don't love her anymore.
260 00:11:06,785 00:11:09,855 "I don't even know her anymore, Doc." "I don't even know her anymore, Doc."
261 00:11:09,955 00:11:11,440 "Help me." "Help me."
262 00:11:11,540 00:11:16,278 "I've got my youngest, who is just so... "I've got my youngest, who is just so...
263 00:11:16,378 00:11:21,157 "I hate him so much, because every time I look in his eyes, "I hate him so much, because every time I look in his eyes,
264 00:11:21,257 00:11:24,744 "I see the same cowardice that I see "I see the same cowardice that I see
265 00:11:24,844 00:11:26,412 "when I look in my own eyes." "when I look in my own eyes."
266 00:11:26,512 00:11:30,166 "I've lost my job. I've lost my marriage. "I've lost my job. I've lost my marriage.
267 00:11:30,266 00:11:34,795 "I lost my child in the winter." "I lost my child in the winter."
268 00:11:34,895 00:11:39,383 "It was a very cold time. Moths don't handle cold well." "It was a very cold time. Moths don't handle cold well."
269 00:11:39,483 00:11:41,552 What purpose does he have? What purpose does he have?
270 00:11:41,652 00:11:44,154 "What purpose do I have, Doc?" "What purpose do I have, Doc?"
271 00:11:46,281 00:11:48,367 Doctor looks at him and says... Doctor looks at him and says...
272 00:11:48,909 00:11:50,994 "Just... "Just...
273 00:11:51,620 00:11:55,148 "You need help. You need to see a psychiatrist. "You need help. You need to see a psychiatrist.
274 00:11:55,248 00:11:59,361 "But I've got to ask - why did you come and see me?" "But I've got to ask - why did you come and see me?"
275 00:11:59,461 00:12:02,864 And the moth says, "The light was on." And the moth says, "The light was on."
276 00:12:07,468 00:12:09,537 - The light was on. - You bastard! - The light was on. - You bastard!
277 00:12:09,637 00:12:11,247 The light was on. The light was on.
278 00:12:11,347 00:12:14,016 - He's a moth. - Yeah, we get it, we get it. - He's a moth. - Yeah, we get it, we get it.
279 00:12:15,518 00:12:17,170 I bought a thesaurus today. I bought a thesaurus today.
280 00:12:17,270 00:12:20,731 Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible. Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible.
281 00:12:23,150 00:12:25,052 I went for a job interview. I went for a job interview.
282 00:12:25,152 00:12:27,680 The bloke said, "Describe yourself in three words." The bloke said, "Describe yourself in three words."
283 00:12:27,780 00:12:30,265 I said, "Not good with numbers." I said, "Not good with numbers."
284 00:12:33,202 00:12:35,646 I can't stand Russian dolls. I can't stand Russian dolls.
285 00:12:35,746 00:12:37,356 They're so full of themselves. They're so full of themselves.
286 00:12:39,583 00:12:42,444 I joined a club for people with Tourette's syndrome. I joined a club for people with Tourette's syndrome.
287 00:12:42,544 00:12:44,571 Took four hours to get sworn in. Took four hours to get sworn in.
288 00:12:46,172 00:12:50,243 ♪ Here's to the people that I'd like to thank ♪ Here's to the people that I'd like to thank
289 00:12:50,343 00:12:54,163 ♪ You drink to me and I'll drink to you ♪ You drink to me and I'll drink to you
290 00:12:54,263 00:12:57,709 ♪ Let's drink together but before we do ♪ Let's drink together but before we do
291 00:12:57,809 00:13:00,102 ♪ If we die tonight ♪ If we die tonight
292 00:13:01,562 00:13:03,898 ♪ That'd be alright ♪ That'd be alright
293 00:13:05,649 00:13:10,679 ♪ 'Cause we had one hell of a ride... ♪ ♪ 'Cause we had one hell of a ride... ♪
294 00:13:10,779 00:13:13,432 I've got an animal one. I've got an animal one. I've got an animal one. I've got an animal one.
295 00:13:13,532 00:13:16,894 We're in a theme of animals, so... We're in a theme of animals, so...
296 00:13:16,994 00:13:19,271 This penguin decides to take himself This penguin decides to take himself
297 00:13:19,371 00:13:21,231 for a drive to the seaside. for a drive to the seaside.
298 00:13:21,331 00:13:24,401 And just as he approaches the water, his car conks out. And just as he approaches the water, his car conks out.
299 00:13:24,501 00:13:27,195 So, he knows there's a mechanic's around the corner So, he knows there's a mechanic's around the corner
300 00:13:27,295 00:13:29,739 and he pushes his car to the mechanic's and says, and he pushes his car to the mechanic's and says,
301 00:13:29,839 00:13:31,741 "Could you find out... I don't know what's happened. "Could you find out... I don't know what's happened.
302 00:13:31,841 00:13:33,535 "It's just conked out. I don't know what's going on." "It's just conked out. I don't know what's going on."
303 00:13:33,635 00:13:34,828 The mechanic's like, "I'm a bit busy. The mechanic's like, "I'm a bit busy.
304 00:13:34,928 00:13:37,080 "If you can go for a walk for half an hour, come back, "If you can go for a walk for half an hour, come back,
305 00:13:37,180 00:13:39,874 "I'll have a look and let you know what's going on." "I'll have a look and let you know what's going on."
306 00:13:39,974 00:13:42,376 So the penguin takes himself for a little waddle. So the penguin takes himself for a little waddle.
307 00:13:42,476 00:13:45,504 Gets down by the water, paddles about in the sun. Gets down by the water, paddles about in the sun.
308 00:13:45,604 00:13:47,590 Looks at his watch - it's almost been half an hour. Looks at his watch - it's almost been half an hour.
309 00:13:47,690 00:13:49,508 Makes his way back to the mechanic's Makes his way back to the mechanic's
310 00:13:49,608 00:13:52,052 and gets himself a nice little vanilla ice-cream on the walk. and gets himself a nice little vanilla ice-cream on the walk.
311 00:13:52,152 00:13:54,471 He's having a lovely time. This is the whole point of the trip. He's having a lovely time. This is the whole point of the trip.
312 00:13:54,571 00:13:55,806 And he gets back And he gets back
313 00:13:55,906 00:13:58,350 and the mechanic's having a look under his bonnet, and the mechanic's having a look under his bonnet,
314 00:13:58,450 00:14:00,602 and the penguin rocks up and says to him, and the penguin rocks up and says to him,
315 00:14:00,702 00:14:04,606 "Oh, so what's wrong with my car? What's going on?" "Oh, so what's wrong with my car? What's going on?"
316 00:14:04,706 00:14:07,359 And the mechanic pops his head out from under the bonnet, And the mechanic pops his head out from under the bonnet,
317 00:14:07,459 00:14:10,487 looks at him and goes, "Oh, you've blown a seal." looks at him and goes, "Oh, you've blown a seal."
318 00:14:10,587 00:14:13,740 And the penguin goes, "Oh, no, no - just had an ice-cream." And the penguin goes, "Oh, no, no - just had an ice-cream."
319 00:14:15,842 00:14:17,660 Haaaa! Haaaa!
320 00:14:17,760 00:14:19,846 ♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪ Na, na, na, na, na
321 00:14:21,055 00:14:24,559 ♪ Na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na ♪ Na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na
322 00:14:26,727 00:14:30,673 ♪ Na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na, na-na. ♪ ♪ Na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na, na-na. ♪
323 00:14:30,773 00:14:32,717 Well, I've got a good one too. Well, I've got a good one too.
324 00:14:32,817 00:14:37,096 Well, there's a pub in Sydney called the Harbour View, Well, there's a pub in Sydney called the Harbour View,
325 00:14:37,196 00:14:38,347 and it's a wharfies' pub, and it's a wharfies' pub,
326 00:14:38,447 00:14:42,101 and there's a regular group that hits there Friday nights. and there's a regular group that hits there Friday nights.
327 00:14:42,201 00:14:43,519 I used to too sometimes. I used to too sometimes.
328 00:14:43,619 00:14:45,896 Anyway, there's a guy - Tommy was his name. Anyway, there's a guy - Tommy was his name.
329 00:14:45,996 00:14:48,815 He was a wharfie, and he was a regular, He was a wharfie, and he was a regular,
330 00:14:48,915 00:14:51,026 and he just suddenly stopped coming in, you know? and he just suddenly stopped coming in, you know?
331 00:14:51,126 00:14:52,569 Sort of talked about him for a while, Sort of talked about him for a while,
332 00:14:52,669 00:14:56,823 and about six months later, he turns up in a Ferrari. and about six months later, he turns up in a Ferrari.
333 00:14:56,923 00:14:58,992 A brand-spanking-new Ferrari. A brand-spanking-new Ferrari.
334 00:14:59,092 00:15:00,785 And strolls into the pub, And strolls into the pub,
335 00:15:00,885 00:15:02,787 done up like, you know, a million dollars. done up like, you know, a million dollars.
336 00:15:02,887 00:15:05,290 Struttin' diamonds and all sorts of things. Struttin' diamonds and all sorts of things.
337 00:15:05,390 00:15:08,960 So, I say, "What...what the hell happened, Tommy? So, I say, "What...what the hell happened, Tommy?
338 00:15:09,060 00:15:10,837 He said, "You wouldn't believe this." He said, "You wouldn't believe this."
339 00:15:10,937 00:15:12,630 He said, "I bought one of them sheds," He said, "I bought one of them sheds,"
340 00:15:12,730 00:15:14,882 he said, "that you buy for...prefabricated." he said, "that you buy for...prefabricated."
341 00:15:14,982 00:15:17,343 He said, "You know, about 120 bucks." He said, "You know, about 120 bucks."
342 00:15:17,443 00:15:19,553 He said, "I put it up in the backyard. He said, "I put it up in the backyard.
343 00:15:19,653 00:15:22,264 "And I spend a bit of time in it, in my tool shed, "And I spend a bit of time in it, in my tool shed,
344 00:15:22,364 00:15:23,974 "so I put a window in it." "so I put a window in it."
345 00:15:24,074 00:15:26,435 He said, "I put this vinyl stuff," he said, He said, "I put this vinyl stuff," he said,
346 00:15:26,535 00:15:27,686 "It's like off a caravan." "It's like off a caravan."
347 00:15:27,786 00:15:28,770 "But I put the window in it," "But I put the window in it,"
348 00:15:28,870 00:15:31,023 and he said, "My neighbour next door looked over and he said, "My neighbour next door looked over
349 00:15:31,123 00:15:32,774 "and saw the shed and he said, 'That's a beauty,' he said. "and saw the shed and he said, 'That's a beauty,' he said.
350 00:15:32,874 00:15:33,817 "'Where'd you get it?' "'Where'd you get it?'
351 00:15:33,917 00:15:36,111 "And I said, you know, 'I put it together myself.'" "And I said, you know, 'I put it together myself.'"
352 00:15:36,211 00:15:38,321 "And he said, 'I'd love to have a shed like that.' "And he said, 'I'd love to have a shed like that.'
353 00:15:38,421 00:15:40,740 "He said, 'How much do you want for it?' "He said, 'How much do you want for it?'
354 00:15:40,840 00:15:43,034 "And I...I didn't want to sell it, you know? "And I...I didn't want to sell it, you know?
355 00:15:43,134 00:15:45,411 "120...Cost me about 150." "120...Cost me about 150."
356 00:15:45,511 00:15:48,247 "And he said, 'Oh, you know, 300 bucks.' "And he said, 'Oh, you know, 300 bucks.'
357 00:15:48,347 00:15:49,832 "And he said, 'Sold.'" "And he said, 'Sold.'"
358 00:15:49,932 00:15:52,293 And he grabs the shed off him for 300 bucks, you know? And he grabs the shed off him for 300 bucks, you know?
359 00:15:52,393 00:15:53,336 And thought, "Oh, good." And thought, "Oh, good."
360 00:15:53,436 00:15:55,588 "So I went and bought another bigger, better shed "So I went and bought another bigger, better shed
361 00:15:55,688 00:15:57,965 "and I put two windows in it, you know? "and I put two windows in it, you know?
362 00:15:58,065 00:15:59,467 "And I sort of...and the... "And I sort of...and the...
363 00:15:59,567 00:16:02,094 "..the guy that lived at the back looked over the fence "..the guy that lived at the back looked over the fence
364 00:16:02,194 00:16:04,305 "and said, 'Gee, that's terrific. Where did you get that?" "and said, 'Gee, that's terrific. Where did you get that?"
365 00:16:04,405 00:16:06,390 "And I said, 'Oh, I built it. It's a prefab thing.' "And I said, 'Oh, I built it. It's a prefab thing.'
366 00:16:06,490 00:16:08,976 "He said, 'How much do you want for it?' "He said, 'How much do you want for it?'
367 00:16:09,076 00:16:11,478 "I said, 'You can't buy them, you know? I made it.' "I said, 'You can't buy them, you know? I made it.'
368 00:16:11,578 00:16:13,480 "He said, 'I've wanted something like that "He said, 'I've wanted something like that
369 00:16:13,580 00:16:14,523 'all my life.' 'all my life.'
370 00:16:14,623 00:16:17,150 "He said, 'Oh...I'll give you 500 for it.' "He said, 'Oh...I'll give you 500 for it.'
371 00:16:17,250 00:16:20,528 "Sold. You know? 'Cause it cost me about 220. "Sold. You know? 'Cause it cost me about 220.
372 00:16:20,628 00:16:23,323 "And so I thought, 'I'm onto something here,' "And so I thought, 'I'm onto something here,'
373 00:16:23,423 00:16:26,576 "so I buy the big... the $420 one. "so I buy the big... the $420 one.
374 00:16:26,676 00:16:28,578 "You know, I'm starting to put a window in it," and he said, "You know, I'm starting to put a window in it," and he said,
375 00:16:28,678 00:16:32,540 "then I get a call, and, um... my favourite uncle died. "then I get a call, and, um... my favourite uncle died.
376 00:16:32,640 00:16:34,125 "He left me nine million quid. "He left me nine million quid.
377 00:16:34,225 00:16:35,626 "And I said, 'Oh, fuck the sheds.'" "And I said, 'Oh, fuck the sheds.'"
378 00:16:37,645 00:16:40,131 ♪ And my baby is waitin' for me... ♪ ♪ And my baby is waitin' for me... ♪
379 00:16:44,944 00:16:46,554 Shit's dripping out of me collar! Shit's dripping out of me collar!
380 00:17:10,093 00:17:13,079 ♪ Harley and Rose were reunited ♪ Harley and Rose were reunited
381 00:17:13,179 00:17:15,873 ♪ This time they said it was ♪ This time they said it was
382 00:17:15,973 00:17:18,100 ♪ It was for real ♪ It was for real
383 00:17:19,810 00:17:23,047 ♪ Take it all back to where it started ♪ Take it all back to where it started
384 00:17:23,147 00:17:26,050 ♪ He would melt her heart ♪ He would melt her heart
385 00:17:26,150 00:17:28,235 ♪ Her heart of steel ♪ Her heart of steel
386 00:17:29,820 00:17:33,557 ♪ Life is a bitter disappointment ♪ Life is a bitter disappointment
387 00:17:33,657 00:17:37,853 ♪ You would hear young Harley say ♪ You would hear young Harley say
388 00:17:37,953 00:17:42,441 ♪ If you find something that's more important ♪ If you find something that's more important
389 00:17:42,541 00:17:46,711 ♪ I will not stand in your way ♪ I will not stand in your way
390 00:17:49,297 00:17:50,824 ♪ Static on a dial ♪ Static on a dial
391 00:17:50,924 00:17:54,035 ♪ A look comes back in style ♪ A look comes back in style
392 00:17:54,135 00:17:57,805 ♪ Harley and Rose, they just lost it for a while ♪ Harley and Rose, they just lost it for a while
393 00:18:00,349 00:18:03,336 ♪ Harley claimed there was no lover ♪ Harley claimed there was no lover
394 00:18:03,436 00:18:04,921 ♪ Nothing in bloom... ♪ ♪ Nothing in bloom... ♪
395 00:18:05,021 00:18:06,922 Alright, I've got...I've got one for you, right? Alright, I've got...I've got one for you, right?
396 00:18:07,022 00:18:07,965 Hit us. Hit us.
397 00:18:08,065 00:18:11,635 OK. So there's...there's this inflatable boy, right? OK. So there's...there's this inflatable boy, right?
398 00:18:11,735 00:18:14,430 And, uh...he leaves home one day. And, uh...he leaves home one day.
399 00:18:14,530 00:18:17,641 Leaves his inflatable house, his inflatable family, Leaves his inflatable house, his inflatable family,
400 00:18:17,741 00:18:20,352 and he goes to his inflatable school. and he goes to his inflatable school.
401 00:18:20,452 00:18:21,478 And he's in class one day, And he's in class one day,
402 00:18:21,578 00:18:23,480 and it's all the inflatable students, and it's all the inflatable students,
403 00:18:23,580 00:18:25,665 and the inflatable teacher. and the inflatable teacher.
404 00:18:26,458 00:18:27,734 But he's a bit of a ratbag, this kid. But he's a bit of a ratbag, this kid.
405 00:18:27,834 00:18:29,027 He's a bit of a ratbag. He's a bit of a ratbag.
406 00:18:29,127 00:18:31,488 And during lunchtime, he's in the inflatable playground, And during lunchtime, he's in the inflatable playground,
407 00:18:31,588 00:18:33,114 and he sneaks off for a smoke. and he sneaks off for a smoke.
408 00:18:33,214 00:18:34,365 Right? Right?
409 00:18:34,465 00:18:37,076 And one of the inflatable teachers catches him. And one of the inflatable teachers catches him.
410 00:18:37,176 00:18:39,412 Says, "Right! You're busted. You can't smoke at school. Says, "Right! You're busted. You can't smoke at school.
411 00:18:39,512 00:18:40,663 "You're getting detention." "You're getting detention."
412 00:18:40,763 00:18:43,416 And the inflatable boy loses it. And the inflatable boy loses it.
413 00:18:43,516 00:18:45,585 He's a loose cannon, this kid. He loses it. He's a loose cannon, this kid. He loses it.
414 00:18:45,685 00:18:48,337 Pulls a knife out of his pocket, right? Pulls a knife out of his pocket, right?
415 00:18:48,437 00:18:50,923 And he stabs the bloody teacher. And he stabs the bloody teacher.
416 00:18:51,023 00:18:52,925 - No. - The inflatable teacher, - No. - The inflatable teacher,
417 00:18:53,025 00:18:54,468 and the teacher goes, pfff-pfft, like this. and the teacher goes, pfff-pfft, like this.
418 00:18:54,568 00:18:57,263 And then the headmaster comes out to nab him, And then the headmaster comes out to nab him,
419 00:18:57,363 00:19:00,432 and goes more crazy and he stabs the school. and goes more crazy and he stabs the school.
420 00:19:00,532 00:19:02,935 And the school goes pfft-pfft like this. And the school goes pfft-pfft like this.
421 00:19:03,035 00:19:04,186 And he runs off home. And he runs off home.
422 00:19:04,286 00:19:05,938 And his parents go, "What are you doing here? And his parents go, "What are you doing here?
423 00:19:06,038 00:19:07,064 "You should be at school. "You should be at school.
424 00:19:07,164 00:19:08,940 "You've been misbehaving your whole life. "You've been misbehaving your whole life.
425 00:19:09,040 00:19:10,025 "This is a disgrace." "This is a disgrace."
426 00:19:10,125 00:19:11,943 And he stabs his mum and stabs his dad, And he stabs his mum and stabs his dad,
427 00:19:12,043 00:19:14,821 the inflatable mum and dad, and they both pfft-pfft like that. the inflatable mum and dad, and they both pfft-pfft like that.
428 00:19:14,921 00:19:17,365 And then the police come to arrest him, right? And then the police come to arrest him, right?
429 00:19:17,465 00:19:19,159 And the police are coming to arrest him. And the police are coming to arrest him.
430 00:19:19,259 00:19:22,078 And then he stabs himself, and he goes pfft-pfft, And then he stabs himself, and he goes pfft-pfft,
431 00:19:22,178 00:19:23,955 and the police grab him and rush him to hospital. and the police grab him and rush him to hospital.
432 00:19:24,055 00:19:25,957 And he's laying in his hospital bed, And he's laying in his hospital bed,
433 00:19:26,057 00:19:27,875 and they stitch him up at the hospital and they stitch him up at the hospital
434 00:19:27,975 00:19:31,254 and eventually he comes to, and he goes, "Oh, what's happened?" and eventually he comes to, and he goes, "Oh, what's happened?"
435 00:19:31,354 00:19:34,190 And the police are there and they go, "Son... And the police are there and they go, "Son...
436 00:19:35,357 00:19:38,093 "..you've let your school down, you've let your parents down, "..you've let your school down, you've let your parents down,
437 00:19:38,193 00:19:39,762 "you've let yourself down... " "you've let yourself down... "
438 00:19:41,864 00:19:43,182 Rob can relate to that, Rob can relate to that,
439 00:19:43,282 00:19:45,434 because he's met a lot of inflatable women in his life. because he's met a lot of inflatable women in his life.
440 00:19:45,534 00:19:47,394 And I let 'em all down. And I let 'em all down.
441 00:19:47,494 00:19:49,579 Didn't you? Didn't you?
442 00:19:52,541 00:19:54,860 Here's one. Here's one. Here's one. Here's one.
443 00:19:56,211 00:19:58,613 Young woman, and she's going to the doctor. Young woman, and she's going to the doctor.
444 00:19:58,713 00:20:00,073 It's time for her first pap smear, It's time for her first pap smear,
445 00:20:00,173 00:20:01,825 and she's understandably nervous. and she's understandably nervous.
446 00:20:01,925 00:20:04,160 How would you know? How would you know?
447 00:20:04,260 00:20:06,913 Well, I'm just a sensitive guy and I understand these things. Well, I'm just a sensitive guy and I understand these things.
448 00:20:07,013 00:20:09,332 Rob pretended to be a doctor for years. Rob pretended to be a doctor for years.
449 00:20:10,892 00:20:13,502 So there's this young woman and she's off to the doctor's. So there's this young woman and she's off to the doctor's.
450 00:20:13,602 00:20:15,087 It's her first pap smear. She's very nervous. It's her first pap smear. She's very nervous.
451 00:20:15,187 00:20:18,340 Um... and so she's lying down the bed Um... and so she's lying down the bed
452 00:20:18,440 00:20:20,926 and she got her trousers down, her pants down, her legs open. and she got her trousers down, her pants down, her legs open.
453 00:20:21,026 00:20:22,636 And for the doctor, he's a professional And for the doctor, he's a professional
454 00:20:22,736 00:20:24,346 and he can sense that she's nervous. and he can sense that she's nervous.
455 00:20:24,446 00:20:26,598 And he looks over and very sensitively he says, And he looks over and very sensitively he says,
456 00:20:26,698 00:20:27,850 "Would you like me to numb it for you?" "Would you like me to numb it for you?"
457 00:20:27,950 00:20:29,351 And she says, "Yes, please." And she says, "Yes, please."
458 00:20:29,451 00:20:31,311 So he goes, "Ah, num, num, num. So he goes, "Ah, num, num, num.
459 00:20:31,411 00:20:33,747 "Ah, num, num, num." "Ah, num, num, num."
460 00:20:37,167 00:20:40,278 My doctor does that too. My doctor does that too.
461 00:20:40,378 00:20:42,464 Is it Doctor... Do you see Doctor Rob? Is it Doctor... Do you see Doctor Rob?
462 00:20:49,220 00:20:52,056 ♪ This is my time... ♪ This is my time...
463 00:20:55,184 00:20:57,878 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
464 00:20:57,978 00:21:00,381 ♪ Whoa-oh ♪ Whoa-oh
465 00:21:00,481 00:21:02,942 ♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪ Whoa-oh-oh
466 00:21:04,151 00:21:06,236 ♪ Uh-huh ♪ Uh-huh
467 00:21:06,820 00:21:09,431 ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh
468 00:21:09,531 00:21:11,141 ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
469 00:21:11,241 00:21:12,476 One more time! One more time!
470 00:21:12,576 00:21:13,685 You know, I could count You know, I could count
471 00:21:13,785 00:21:16,747 the amount of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. the amount of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.
472 00:21:17,998 00:21:20,083 Seven. Seven.
473 00:21:23,461 00:21:25,655 I asked my North Korean friend how it was over there. I asked my North Korean friend how it was over there.
474 00:21:25,755 00:21:29,008 He said he couldn't complain. He said he couldn't complain.
475 00:21:30,343 00:21:32,428 You know that cyclist, Lance Armstrong? You know that cyclist, Lance Armstrong?
476 00:21:33,137 00:21:34,747 Wasn't bad enough he was taking drugs, Wasn't bad enough he was taking drugs,
477 00:21:34,847 00:21:36,249 but he was also pedalling. but he was also pedalling.
478 00:21:41,062 00:21:45,174 The difference between a hippo and a Zippo The difference between a hippo and a Zippo
479 00:21:45,274 00:21:46,842 is that one's very heavy... is that one's very heavy...
480 00:21:46,942 00:21:48,677 ..and the other one's a little lighter. ..and the other one's a little lighter.
481 00:21:51,113 00:21:53,282 Speaking of Lance Armstrong... Saw an interview with him. Speaking of Lance Armstrong... Saw an interview with him.
482 00:21:54,616 00:21:55,893 He was lying that much He was lying that much
483 00:21:55,993 00:21:58,020 I'm starting to doubt if he ever did land on the moon. I'm starting to doubt if he ever did land on the moon.
484 00:21:58,120 00:22:00,897 Hmm. Hmm.
485 00:22:06,252 00:22:08,655 You have to hand it to blind prostitutes. You have to hand it to blind prostitutes.
486 00:22:08,755 00:22:11,466 ♪ You can't get enough Too many mouths to feed ♪ You can't get enough Too many mouths to feed
487 00:22:12,508 00:22:13,618 ♪ Ain't life tough ♪ Ain't life tough
488 00:22:13,718 00:22:15,803 ♪ Call this survival ♪ Call this survival
489 00:22:16,345 00:22:18,681 ♪ Don't pray for a sign... ♪ ♪ Don't pray for a sign... ♪
490 00:22:20,099 00:22:22,293 Irish guy goes to a job at a building site. Irish guy goes to a job at a building site.
491 00:22:22,393 00:22:23,836 The foreman says, "I'll do an IQ test. The foreman says, "I'll do an IQ test.
492 00:22:23,936 00:22:26,297 "What's black and leather and got five fingers?" "What's black and leather and got five fingers?"
493 00:22:26,397 00:22:29,467 He said, "Black leather, five fingers... Ooh, I don't know." He said, "Black leather, five fingers... Ooh, I don't know."
494 00:22:29,567 00:22:31,093 He says, "A glove, Paddy." He says, "A glove, Paddy."
495 00:22:31,193 00:22:33,487 He says, "Oh, of course. Jeez, I'm stupid." He says, "Oh, of course. Jeez, I'm stupid."
496 00:22:34,571 00:22:36,515 "OK, what's black leather, got 10 fingers?" "OK, what's black leather, got 10 fingers?"
497 00:22:36,615 00:22:38,559 He says, "Black leather...10 fingers. He says, "Black leather...10 fingers.
498 00:22:38,659 00:22:40,852 "Black... Ooh, I wouldn't have a clue." "Black... Ooh, I wouldn't have a clue."
499 00:22:40,952 00:22:42,521 "Two gloves, Paddy. " "Two gloves, Paddy. "
500 00:22:42,621 00:22:44,147 He goes, "For God's sake, of course. He goes, "For God's sake, of course.
501 00:22:44,247 00:22:45,816 "I'm an idiot, total idiot." "I'm an idiot, total idiot."
502 00:22:45,916 00:22:47,943 He says, " Come on, let's try something else. He says, " Come on, let's try something else.
503 00:22:48,043 00:22:50,070 "Who's the President of the United States of America?" "Who's the President of the United States of America?"
504 00:22:50,170 00:22:52,614 He goes, "President of the United States... He goes, "President of the United States...
505 00:22:52,714 00:22:53,656 "President..." "President..."
506 00:22:53,756 00:22:55,116 He says, "It wouldn't be three gloves, Benny?" He says, "It wouldn't be three gloves, Benny?"
507 00:22:59,887 00:23:03,624 There's these three people who are in training to be CIA. There's these three people who are in training to be CIA.
508 00:23:03,724 00:23:04,667 Yeah? Yeah?
509 00:23:04,767 00:23:06,711 And they got to their final test, And they got to their final test,
510 00:23:06,811 00:23:10,172 to see who's gonna go through and become CIA. to see who's gonna go through and become CIA.
511 00:23:10,272 00:23:11,715 First guy... First guy...
512 00:23:11,815 00:23:15,511 The CIA say to him...they give him a handgun and say, The CIA say to him...they give him a handgun and say,
513 00:23:15,611 00:23:17,846 "We wanna see how committed you are. "We wanna see how committed you are.
514 00:23:17,946 00:23:20,908 "Want you to go into that room, shoot your wife." "Want you to go into that room, shoot your wife."
515 00:23:22,242 00:23:24,686 And he..."Are you committed?" "Yeah, I'm committed." And he..."Are you committed?" "Yeah, I'm committed."
516 00:23:24,786 00:23:27,064 He goes in, there's no noise for a while... He goes in, there's no noise for a while...
517 00:23:27,164 00:23:28,815 Then he comes back out Then he comes back out
518 00:23:28,915 00:23:31,026 and he has tears down his face, you know? and he has tears down his face, you know?
519 00:23:31,126 00:23:33,445 He goes, "I can't kill her. I cannot. He goes, "I can't kill her. I cannot.
520 00:23:33,545 00:23:36,072 "I can't be in the CIA." "I can't be in the CIA."
521 00:23:36,172 00:23:39,133 You know? "Good." He goes. You know? "Good." He goes.
522 00:23:40,134 00:23:41,327 Next guy comes up. Next guy comes up.
523 00:23:41,427 00:23:43,496 Say, "We need to check how committed you are Say, "We need to check how committed you are
524 00:23:43,596 00:23:44,872 "about being in the CIA. "about being in the CIA.
525 00:23:44,972 00:23:48,000 "Want you to go in there. Here's a handgun. "Want you to go in there. Here's a handgun.
526 00:23:48,100 00:23:50,186 "You're gonna shoot your son." "You're gonna shoot your son."
527 00:23:51,062 00:23:53,214 Goes, "Yep, alright. I'm committed." Goes, "Yep, alright. I'm committed."
528 00:23:53,314 00:23:58,135 Goes in there, can hear a bit of talking, bit of whimpering, Goes in there, can hear a bit of talking, bit of whimpering,
529 00:23:58,235 00:24:01,055 and then he comes out, "I can't. He's me son! and then he comes out, "I can't. He's me son!
530 00:24:01,155 00:24:03,432 "He's me life! He's me fucking life. "He's me life! He's me fucking life.
531 00:24:03,532 00:24:04,766 "Nothing's more important." "Nothing's more important."
532 00:24:04,866 00:24:06,685 "Yeah, alright, mate. OK." "Yeah, alright, mate. OK."
533 00:24:09,079 00:24:10,480 Next one's a woman. Next one's a woman.
534 00:24:10,580 00:24:13,316 They said, "We need to know how committed you are to the CIA. They said, "We need to know how committed you are to the CIA.
535 00:24:13,416 00:24:14,484 "Here's a handgun. "Here's a handgun.
536 00:24:14,584 00:24:15,652 "You're gonna go into that room - "You're gonna go into that room -
537 00:24:15,752 00:24:16,903 "you're gonna shoot your husband. "you're gonna shoot your husband.
538 00:24:17,003 00:24:18,363 "You know, are you committed?" "You know, are you committed?"
539 00:24:18,463 00:24:19,614 She's like, "I'm committed." She's like, "I'm committed."
540 00:24:19,714 00:24:21,866 She goes in, shut the door. She goes in, shut the door.
541 00:24:21,966 00:24:26,037 Hear... Hear...
542 00:24:26,137 00:24:28,539 And then a lot of bang! Bang! And then a lot of bang! Bang!
543 00:24:28,639 00:24:30,958 It's just bang, bang, noise... It's just bang, bang, noise...
544 00:24:31,058 00:24:32,543 Until it's quiet. Until it's quiet.
545 00:24:32,643 00:24:33,628 She comes in. She comes in.
546 00:24:33,728 00:24:36,172 She says, "I didn't know you had fucking blanks in the gun. She says, "I didn't know you had fucking blanks in the gun.
547 00:24:36,272 00:24:38,340 "I had to finish him off with a chair!" "I had to finish him off with a chair!"
548 00:24:42,778 00:24:44,863 Yeah. Yeah.
549 00:24:46,240 00:24:48,325 ♪ Seen them tumble it down ♪ Seen them tumble it down
550 00:24:50,619 00:24:54,147 ♪ I've seen red rivers, fire and steel ♪ I've seen red rivers, fire and steel
551 00:24:54,247 00:24:57,751 ♪ I feel the thunder chained to the wheel ♪ I feel the thunder chained to the wheel
552 00:24:58,918 00:25:01,946 ♪ I heard the legend, I watched skies... ♪ ♪ I heard the legend, I watched skies... ♪
553 00:25:02,046 00:25:03,364 This mate of mine, he's a bit of a stoner. This mate of mine, he's a bit of a stoner.
554 00:25:03,464 00:25:05,283 - Right. - So I was with him in the car, - Right. - So I was with him in the car,
555 00:25:05,383 00:25:06,951 and we got kind of pulled over by the cops, and we got kind of pulled over by the cops,
556 00:25:07,051 00:25:08,911 and he'd done, like, 10 bongs before we got in the car. and he'd done, like, 10 bongs before we got in the car.
557 00:25:09,011 00:25:11,456 He didn't think he was gonna get drug tested, or whatever. He didn't think he was gonna get drug tested, or whatever.
558 00:25:11,556 00:25:13,541 So the cop kind of, you know, looks in at him So the cop kind of, you know, looks in at him
559 00:25:13,641 00:25:15,376 and he's like that, you know? and he's like that, you know?
560 00:25:15,476 00:25:18,129 And the cop says, "Have you been taking any drugs?" And the cop says, "Have you been taking any drugs?"
561 00:25:18,229 00:25:19,505 He smiles. He smiles.
562 00:25:19,605 00:25:22,132 He knocks on the window again and he goes, He knocks on the window again and he goes,
563 00:25:22,232 00:25:24,301 "How high are you?" "How high are you?"
564 00:25:24,401 00:25:26,887 And my mate goes, "Ah, you fucked that up, mate. And my mate goes, "Ah, you fucked that up, mate.
565 00:25:26,987 00:25:29,765 "You're supposed to say, 'Hi. How are you?'" "You're supposed to say, 'Hi. How are you?'"
566 00:25:34,578 00:25:36,104 ♪ Oh, man ♪ Oh, man
567 00:25:36,204 00:25:38,290 ♪ Chained to the wheel ♪ Chained to the wheel
568 00:25:40,792 00:25:42,877 ♪ You know you'll find me, baby ♪ You know you'll find me, baby
569 00:25:43,878 00:25:47,282 ♪ Ow! ♪ ♪ Ow! ♪
570 00:26:04,148 00:26:06,258 This guy's soon to be married. This guy's soon to be married.
571 00:26:06,358 00:26:09,845 Dearly loves his partner...fiancee. Dearly loves his partner...fiancee.
572 00:26:09,945 00:26:11,346 Wants to do nothing wrong by her. Wants to do nothing wrong by her.
573 00:26:11,446 00:26:13,932 Lived a very decent life, as has she. Lived a very decent life, as has she.
574 00:26:14,032 00:26:15,767 But his mates wanna throw a bucks' night. But his mates wanna throw a bucks' night.
575 00:26:15,867 00:26:18,103 So they throw a bucks' night, and they get this girl... So they throw a bucks' night, and they get this girl...
576 00:26:18,203 00:26:19,855 They've paid her the top dollar. They've paid her the top dollar.
577 00:26:19,955 00:26:21,857 They booked the platinum package. He's unaware of it. They booked the platinum package. He's unaware of it.
578 00:26:21,957 00:26:24,067 Anyway, he's never been with a woman. Anyway, he's never been with a woman.
579 00:26:24,167 00:26:26,653 The night happens, they bring her out, they strip him naked. The night happens, they bring her out, they strip him naked.
580 00:26:26,753 00:26:28,530 She's doing a dance. Everyone's having a great time. She's doing a dance. Everyone's having a great time.
581 00:26:28,630 00:26:30,740 She's up on the table. He's getting excited. She's up on the table. He's getting excited.
582 00:26:30,840 00:26:31,783 He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what to do.
583 00:26:31,883 00:26:32,992 And she gets up on the table, And she gets up on the table,
584 00:26:33,092 00:26:35,078 and all his friends pick up the table, they're having a ball. and all his friends pick up the table, they're having a ball.
585 00:26:35,178 00:26:37,413 But they lose grip of the table. Leg snaps, it goes off sideways. But they lose grip of the table. Leg snaps, it goes off sideways.
586 00:26:37,513 00:26:40,374 She comes off and breaks the erectile tissue in his penis. She comes off and breaks the erectile tissue in his penis.
587 00:26:40,474 00:26:41,667 - Ah! - Ooh... - Ah! - Ooh...
588 00:26:41,767 00:26:42,877 Bad night out for Trev. Bad night out for Trev.
589 00:26:42,977 00:26:45,421 So...next morning, the day of the wedding, So...next morning, the day of the wedding,
590 00:26:45,521 00:26:47,256 he goes to the doctor and says "I've... he goes to the doctor and says "I've...
591 00:26:47,356 00:26:49,216 "I don't know what to do. It's got a bend in it. "I don't know what to do. It's got a bend in it.
592 00:26:49,316 00:26:51,385 "I didn't even know if it has a bone." "I didn't even know if it has a bone."
593 00:26:51,485 00:26:53,429 He goes, "It doesn't have a bone. It's erectile tissue." He goes, "It doesn't have a bone. It's erectile tissue."
594 00:26:53,529 00:26:55,472 He goes, "It's crooked. What can you do? He goes, "It's crooked. What can you do?
595 00:26:55,572 00:26:58,517 "I can't have my wife see this. I didn't want this. "I can't have my wife see this. I didn't want this.
596 00:26:58,617 00:26:59,643 "They made me drink... " "They made me drink... "
597 00:26:59,743 00:27:01,728 He said, "Look, all I can do... There's nothing else I can do, He said, "Look, all I can do... There's nothing else I can do,
598 00:27:01,828 00:27:02,979 but we've gotta get on to this - but we've gotta get on to this -
599 00:27:03,079 00:27:04,189 "otherwise it will be at right angles "otherwise it will be at right angles
600 00:27:04,289 00:27:05,232 "for the rest of your life." "for the rest of your life."
601 00:27:05,332 00:27:06,900 He said, "Unless you wanna have sex around corners, He said, "Unless you wanna have sex around corners,
602 00:27:07,000 00:27:08,360 "or you lay on the floor and she stays on the bed "or you lay on the floor and she stays on the bed
603 00:27:08,460 00:27:09,402 "and around it goes." "and around it goes."
604 00:27:09,502 00:27:10,612 He said, "We're gonna have to... He said, "We're gonna have to...
605 00:27:10,712 00:27:12,238 "All I can do is traditional - put it in a splint." "All I can do is traditional - put it in a splint."
606 00:27:12,338 00:27:14,199 So they get a few bits of wood, So they get a few bits of wood,
607 00:27:14,299 00:27:16,075 he puts it either side and he straps it up. he puts it either side and he straps it up.
608 00:27:16,175 00:27:17,118 He said, "That's all I can do, He said, "That's all I can do,
609 00:27:17,218 00:27:19,787 "and it's gonna have to stay like that for about 48 hours." "and it's gonna have to stay like that for about 48 hours."
610 00:27:19,887 00:27:21,205 He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what to do.
611 00:27:21,305 00:27:22,874 So the wedding happens - it's great. So the wedding happens - it's great.
612 00:27:22,974 00:27:24,458 The reception, fantastic. The reception, fantastic.
613 00:27:24,558 00:27:25,918 Back they go to the room. Back they go to the room.
614 00:27:26,018 00:27:28,212 It's time for the...what happens, you know. First night. It's time for the...what happens, you know. First night.
615 00:27:28,312 00:27:30,422 Finish the marriage off properly. Finish the marriage off properly.
616 00:27:30,522 00:27:32,091 She goes in. She's in there getting ready. She goes in. She's in there getting ready.
617 00:27:32,191 00:27:34,051 And he's thinking, "What am I gonna do? What I gonna do?" And he's thinking, "What am I gonna do? What I gonna do?"
618 00:27:34,151 00:27:35,636 He's down to his underpants, He's down to his underpants,
619 00:27:35,736 00:27:36,845 but he's got the two splints but he's got the two splints
620 00:27:36,945 00:27:38,055 and the bit of bandaging around it. and the bit of bandaging around it.
621 00:27:38,155 00:27:40,307 And she comes out with a robe, walks out, And she comes out with a robe, walks out,
622 00:27:40,407 00:27:41,558 and she looks beautiful. and she looks beautiful.
623 00:27:41,658 00:27:43,435 Takes the robe off and drops it and says, Takes the robe off and drops it and says,
624 00:27:43,535 00:27:45,937 "Darling, as you know, I've been with you for 10 years, "Darling, as you know, I've been with you for 10 years,
625 00:27:46,037 00:27:48,315 "and I've saved myself for you, and you alone. "and I've saved myself for you, and you alone.
626 00:27:48,415 00:27:51,901 "No-one ever has been near my private... It's for you." "No-one ever has been near my private... It's for you."
627 00:27:52,001 00:27:53,403 He thinks, "Here's my chance." He thinks, "Here's my chance."
628 00:27:53,503 00:27:55,905 He goes, "You reckon that's good?" Bang! He goes, "You reckon that's good?" Bang!
629 00:27:56,005 00:27:58,283 "This isn't even out of the crate yet!" "This isn't even out of the crate yet!"
630 00:28:03,262 00:28:05,348 The old broken wang story. The old broken wang story.
631 00:28:06,390 00:28:07,959 ♪ All I really need to know ♪ All I really need to know
632 00:28:08,059 00:28:09,669 ♪ Is you and me are good to go ♪ Is you and me are good to go
633 00:28:09,769 00:28:11,629 ♪ Riding down a summer road ♪ Riding down a summer road
634 00:28:11,729 00:28:13,881 ♪ Oh-oh-oh... ♪ ♪ Oh-oh-oh... ♪
635 00:28:13,981 00:28:16,008 This guy's up north, and he walking past. This guy's up north, and he walking past.
636 00:28:16,108 00:28:17,760 - He's in Darwin, right. - Yep, yep, yep. - He's in Darwin, right. - Yep, yep, yep.
637 00:28:17,860 00:28:19,595 He's walking past, and he sees this sign, and it says, He's walking past, and he sees this sign, and it says,
638 00:28:19,695 00:28:21,638 "Convention" - "Ghost Convention". "Convention" - "Ghost Convention".
639 00:28:21,738 00:28:23,307 So he says, "Oh, ghost convention?" So he says, "Oh, ghost convention?"
640 00:28:23,407 00:28:24,558 So he's gone in to check it out. So he's gone in to check it out.
641 00:28:24,658 00:28:26,143 There's a guy up on stage, all serious. There's a guy up on stage, all serious.
642 00:28:26,243 00:28:27,185 He goes, "Right! He goes, "Right!
643 00:28:27,285 00:28:28,979 "Anyone out there that's ever seen a ghost in their life, "Anyone out there that's ever seen a ghost in their life,
644 00:28:29,079 00:28:30,021 "put up your hand!" "put up your hand!"
645 00:28:30,121 00:28:32,190 About 800 people put up their hand, going, "Yeah, we have." About 800 people put up their hand, going, "Yeah, we have."
646 00:28:32,290 00:28:34,709 "Be quiet. We got a lot to get through." "Be quiet. We got a lot to get through."
647 00:28:35,752 00:28:37,695 "Anyone out there that's never seen a ghost, say no." "Anyone out there that's never seen a ghost, say no."
648 00:28:37,795 00:28:39,447 About 500 people put up their hand. About 500 people put up their hand.
649 00:28:39,547 00:28:40,907 They're all going like this. They're all going like this.
650 00:28:41,007 00:28:42,784 He says, "Be quiet - we got a lot to get through." He says, "Be quiet - we got a lot to get through."
651 00:28:42,884 00:28:44,619 "Anyone ever seen a naked ghost?" "Anyone ever seen a naked ghost?"
652 00:28:44,719 00:28:46,704 About 200 of them probably put up their hand. About 200 of them probably put up their hand.
653 00:28:46,804 00:28:48,414 Going, "Oh, yeah, we have." Going, "Oh, yeah, we have."
654 00:28:48,514 00:28:50,541 He said, "Be quiet - we got a lot to get through." He said, "Be quiet - we got a lot to get through."
655 00:28:50,641 00:28:52,543 "Anyone ever had sex with a ghost?" "Anyone ever had sex with a ghost?"
656 00:28:52,643 00:28:54,045 Place goes dead quiet. Place goes dead quiet.
657 00:28:54,145 00:28:55,963 All of a sudden, one bloke up the back puts up his hand All of a sudden, one bloke up the back puts up his hand
658 00:28:56,063 00:28:57,214 and says, "Yeah, I have." and says, "Yeah, I have."
659 00:28:57,314 00:28:59,008 He says, "What's your name?" He says, "Barry." He says, "What's your name?" He says, "Barry."
660 00:28:59,108 00:29:00,676 He says, "Barry, come up on the stage. He says, "Barry, come up on the stage.
661 00:29:00,776 00:29:02,511 "Now, tell me, and tell the crowd - "Now, tell me, and tell the crowd -
662 00:29:02,611 00:29:04,304 "what's it like to have sex with a ghost?" "what's it like to have sex with a ghost?"
663 00:29:04,404 00:29:06,598 He said, "Ghost? I thought you said 'goat'." He said, "Ghost? I thought you said 'goat'."
664 00:29:13,997 00:29:16,441 The head of the Japanese air force comes out The head of the Japanese air force comes out
665 00:29:16,541 00:29:19,402 and addresses all of the Japanese pilots and addresses all of the Japanese pilots
666 00:29:19,502 00:29:22,280 towards the end of the Second World War, and he says, towards the end of the Second World War, and he says,
667 00:29:22,380 00:29:25,842 "Men...you must go now to your Zero aeroplanes... "Men...you must go now to your Zero aeroplanes...
668 00:29:27,051 00:29:28,453 "..and you must get in the planes, "..and you must get in the planes,
669 00:29:28,553 00:29:30,788 "which have been loaded with TNT. "which have been loaded with TNT.
670 00:29:30,888 00:29:33,457 "You must fly out, over the Pacific, "You must fly out, over the Pacific,
671 00:29:33,557 00:29:37,420 "and smash your aeroplanes into the American fleet, "and smash your aeroplanes into the American fleet,
672 00:29:37,520 00:29:40,506 "sinking the ships and saving Japan. "sinking the ships and saving Japan.
673 00:29:40,606 00:29:43,717 "You will be known as... the kamikaze. "You will be known as... the kamikaze.
674 00:29:43,817 00:29:47,012 "Now, before you go... are there any questions?" "Now, before you go... are there any questions?"
675 00:29:47,112 00:29:49,515 And one little pilot at the back shouts... And one little pilot at the back shouts...
676 00:29:49,615 00:29:53,101 "Are there any fucking questions?!" "Are there any fucking questions?!"
677 00:29:58,456 00:30:01,067 So there's a blonde standing on one side of the river, So there's a blonde standing on one side of the river,
678 00:30:01,167 00:30:02,569 and another blonde and another blonde
679 00:30:02,669 00:30:04,571 standing way over the other side of the river. standing way over the other side of the river.
680 00:30:04,671 00:30:06,197 And the first blonde shouts out, And the first blonde shouts out,
681 00:30:06,297 00:30:09,617 "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" "Hey! How do I get to the other side?"
682 00:30:09,717 00:30:12,136 And the other blonde shouts back... And the other blonde shouts back...
683 00:30:13,179 00:30:14,956 .."You are on the other side!" .."You are on the other side!"
684 00:30:15,056 00:30:17,683 That's nice. That's nice.
685 00:30:56,846 00:31:00,875 ♪ I spent the summer with my North Coast girlfriend ♪ I spent the summer with my North Coast girlfriend
686 00:31:00,975 00:31:04,670 ♪ The aftermath of a psychotic reaction ♪ The aftermath of a psychotic reaction
687 00:31:04,770 00:31:08,883 ♪ I split the city and my soul called good friends ♪ I split the city and my soul called good friends
688 00:31:08,983 00:31:12,886 ♪ I've been afflicted by a coastal attraction ♪ I've been afflicted by a coastal attraction
689 00:31:12,986 00:31:16,974 ♪ We stopped in craft markets looking for potions ♪ We stopped in craft markets looking for potions
690 00:31:17,074 00:31:21,019 ♪ We take our leather jackets down to the ocean ♪ We take our leather jackets down to the ocean
691 00:31:21,119 00:31:25,649 ♪ 'Cause things are sweeter with a side of emotions ♪ 'Cause things are sweeter with a side of emotions
692 00:31:25,749 00:31:29,402 ♪ A million backpackers slapping on the lotion ♪ A million backpackers slapping on the lotion
693 00:31:29,502 00:31:34,073 - ♪ Everything's amazing - ♪ Everything's amazing - ♪ Everything's amazing - ♪ Everything's amazing
694 00:31:34,173 00:31:35,950 ♪ Oh, everything's incredible ♪ Oh, everything's incredible
695 00:31:36,050 00:31:38,536 ♪ Everything's incredible... ♪ ♪ Everything's incredible... ♪
696 00:31:38,636 00:31:40,788 There was these four nuns, right? There was these four nuns, right?
697 00:31:40,888 00:31:43,332 And they're driving a car, and they crash and they die, And they're driving a car, and they crash and they die,
698 00:31:43,432 00:31:44,375 and they get up to Heaven, and they get up to Heaven,
699 00:31:44,475 00:31:45,876 they start walking through Heaven's gate. they start walking through Heaven's gate.
700 00:31:45,976 00:31:46,919 And St Peter's there going, And St Peter's there going,
701 00:31:47,019 00:31:48,754 "Oh, hey...what are you doing? What are you doing?" "Oh, hey...what are you doing? What are you doing?"
702 00:31:48,854 00:31:50,297 They go, "We're nuns. We're members." They go, "We're nuns. We're members."
703 00:31:50,397 00:31:51,840 And St Peter's going, "No, no, no, no. And St Peter's going, "No, no, no, no.
704 00:31:51,940 00:31:53,342 "You have to answer a question first." "You have to answer a question first."
705 00:31:53,442 00:31:55,260 So the first nun comes up - St Peter goes, So the first nun comes up - St Peter goes,
706 00:31:55,360 00:31:56,637 "Have you ever touched a man's penis? "Have you ever touched a man's penis?
707 00:31:56,737 00:31:58,972 And the first nun goes, "Nah, nah. Never, never." And the first nun goes, "Nah, nah. Never, never."
708 00:31:59,072 00:32:00,599 And St Peter goes, "Look, you can't lie to me. And St Peter goes, "Look, you can't lie to me.
709 00:32:00,699 00:32:01,934 "I know everything. "I know everything.
710 00:32:02,034 00:32:04,603 And the first nun goes, "Well...with this finger once." And the first nun goes, "Well...with this finger once."
711 00:32:04,703 00:32:07,856 "I sort of gave one a bit of a prod...once, right?" "I sort of gave one a bit of a prod...once, right?"
712 00:32:07,956 00:32:10,025 St Peter's, "Oh, fuck! St Peter's, "Oh, fuck!
713 00:32:10,125 00:32:12,736 "Tell you what - wash it in holy water. "Tell you what - wash it in holy water.
714 00:32:12,836 00:32:14,612 "You can come through." "You can come through."
715 00:32:14,712 00:32:15,780 The second nun comes up. The second nun comes up.
716 00:32:15,880 00:32:17,740 St Peter goes, "Have you ever touched a man's penis?" St Peter goes, "Have you ever touched a man's penis?"
717 00:32:17,840 00:32:20,535 And the second nun goes, "Well, with this hand once. And the second nun goes, "Well, with this hand once.
718 00:32:20,635 00:32:22,745 "I sort of gave one a bit of a... ..you know?" "I sort of gave one a bit of a... ..you know?"
719 00:32:24,180 00:32:25,623 St Peter goes, "Fuck! St Peter goes, "Fuck!
720 00:32:25,723 00:32:27,959 "Tell you what - wash it in holy water, "Tell you what - wash it in holy water,
721 00:32:28,059 00:32:29,168 "and you can come through." "and you can come through."
722 00:32:29,268 00:32:31,087 And the fourth nun jumps the queue, And the fourth nun jumps the queue,
723 00:32:31,187 00:32:32,755 pushes the third nun out of the way, pushes the third nun out of the way,
724 00:32:32,855 00:32:35,090 and St Peter's going, "What are you doing? What are doing?" and St Peter's going, "What are you doing? What are doing?"
725 00:32:35,190 00:32:36,842 And the fourth nun goes, "Listen, mate - And the fourth nun goes, "Listen, mate -
726 00:32:36,942 00:32:38,302 "if you think I'm gonna wash my mouth in that "if you think I'm gonna wash my mouth in that
727 00:32:38,402 00:32:39,928 "after she's washed her arse in it, "after she's washed her arse in it,
728 00:32:40,028 00:32:41,430 "you got another thing coming." "you got another thing coming."
729 00:32:43,323 00:32:45,892 ♪ Everything's incredible... ♪ ♪ Everything's incredible... ♪
730 00:32:45,992 00:32:48,078 St Peter says fuck. St Peter says fuck.
731 00:32:49,329 00:32:51,106 ♪ The pleasure's indescribable ♪ The pleasure's indescribable
732 00:32:51,206 00:32:54,359 ♪ I'm pinning my survival on you... ♪ ♪ I'm pinning my survival on you... ♪
733 00:33:00,632 00:33:03,159 So a guy...he finds himself... So a guy...he finds himself...
734 00:33:03,259 00:33:04,369 He's been sailing. He's been sailing.
735 00:33:04,469 00:33:07,288 ..washed up on a deserted island. ..washed up on a deserted island.
736 00:33:07,388 00:33:09,749 And he gets captured by a tribe. And he gets captured by a tribe.
737 00:33:09,849 00:33:14,253 And the chief is there. He's not happy. And the chief is there. He's not happy.
738 00:33:14,353 00:33:16,005 And he says to his captive, And he says to his captive,
739 00:33:16,105 00:33:18,924 "You have...two choices! "You have...two choices!
740 00:33:19,024 00:33:20,134 "One..." "One..."
741 00:33:20,234 00:33:21,719 This is a good accent too. This is a good accent too.
742 00:33:21,819 00:33:23,095 I was gonna say. Yeah, so far. I was gonna say. Yeah, so far.
743 00:33:23,195 00:33:25,681 "One...is death. "One...is death.
744 00:33:25,781 00:33:28,100 "Or two...is bunga-bunga!" "Or two...is bunga-bunga!"
745 00:33:29,743 00:33:32,270 He's like, "Whoa. Death? He's like, "Whoa. Death?
746 00:33:32,370 00:33:33,939 "I certainly don't want death. "I certainly don't want death.
747 00:33:34,039 00:33:36,107 "Well, what's bunga-bunga?" "Well, what's bunga-bunga?"
748 00:33:36,207 00:33:38,360 He said, "Oh, bunga-bunga... He said, "Oh, bunga-bunga...
749 00:33:38,460 00:33:44,115 "..is when we all...ALL...all of us fuck you up the arse." "..is when we all...ALL...all of us fuck you up the arse."
750 00:33:45,591 00:33:48,995 He's like, "Oh. Well, the other one's death. He's like, "Oh. Well, the other one's death.
751 00:33:49,095 00:33:51,180 "I guess I'll go with bunga-bunga." "I guess I'll go with bunga-bunga."
752 00:33:52,056 00:33:54,500 And so the chief addresses his tribe And so the chief addresses his tribe
753 00:33:54,600 00:33:56,043 and he says, "OK! and he says, "OK!
754 00:33:56,143 00:33:57,837 "It is death by bunga-bunga!" "It is death by bunga-bunga!"
755 00:33:59,647 00:34:02,383 ♪ ..good times and your betrayals, and for what? ♪ ..good times and your betrayals, and for what?
756 00:34:02,483 00:34:05,694 ♪ We'll never stop the rot We'll never stop the rot ♪ We'll never stop the rot We'll never stop the rot
757 00:34:07,237 00:34:09,097 ♪ Hey ♪ Hey
758 00:34:09,197 00:34:11,783 ♪ We went to northern New South Wales ♪ We went to northern New South Wales
759 00:34:12,784 00:34:14,561 ♪ We booked a cabin, saw the whales ♪ We booked a cabin, saw the whales
760 00:34:14,661 00:34:15,854 ♪ Thanks a lot ♪ Thanks a lot
761 00:34:15,954 00:34:17,105 ♪ We'll never stop the rot ♪ We'll never stop the rot
762 00:34:17,205 00:34:18,940 ♪ Can't tell you what we got ♪ Can't tell you what we got
763 00:34:19,040 00:34:21,126 ♪ My confidence is shot... ♪ ♪ My confidence is shot... ♪
764 00:34:21,960 00:34:24,946 This guy and his wife, they've got a pet skunk, right? This guy and his wife, they've got a pet skunk, right?
765 00:34:25,046 00:34:27,323 And, like, every day they walk this skunk. And, like, every day they walk this skunk.
766 00:34:27,423 00:34:28,992 They love the skunk, right? They love the skunk, right?
767 00:34:29,092 00:34:31,119 But they decide one day... But they decide one day...
768 00:34:31,219 00:34:32,370 They're walking the skunk, They're walking the skunk,
769 00:34:32,470 00:34:35,164 and they want to go to this pub for a drink. and they want to go to this pub for a drink.
770 00:34:35,264 00:34:38,459 But there's this big sign up - 'no pets allowed'. But there's this big sign up - 'no pets allowed'.
771 00:34:38,559 00:34:40,544 So the guy says to his wife, So the guy says to his wife,
772 00:34:40,644 00:34:43,088 "Just put it down your pants. No-one will know." "Just put it down your pants. No-one will know."
773 00:34:43,188 00:34:45,507 And she turns to her husband and says, And she turns to her husband and says,
774 00:34:45,607 00:34:47,760 "But what about the smell?" "But what about the smell?"
775 00:34:47,860 00:34:50,012 And he says, "Look, if it dies, it fucking dies." And he says, "Look, if it dies, it fucking dies."
776 00:34:53,824 00:34:56,268 ♪ I try so hard to pin you down... ♪ I try so hard to pin you down...
777 00:34:57,619 00:34:58,812 ♪ We'll never stop the rot. ♪ ♪ We'll never stop the rot. ♪
778 00:35:02,207 00:35:04,818 - Uh...you enjoy a good joke? - Yeah. - Uh...you enjoy a good joke? - Yeah.
779 00:35:04,918 00:35:06,319 Yeah, I got one for you. Yeah, I got one for you.
780 00:35:06,419 00:35:07,987 Just one I've had for a while now. Just one I've had for a while now.
781 00:35:08,087 00:35:09,781 This rather slow-thinking fella This rather slow-thinking fella
782 00:35:09,881 00:35:11,783 hadn't been to the toilet for a week, hadn't been to the toilet for a week,
783 00:35:11,883 00:35:14,243 and, uh...he goes to see the local doctor, and, uh...he goes to see the local doctor,
784 00:35:14,343 00:35:16,454 and tells the doctor, and the doctor says, and tells the doctor, and the doctor says,
785 00:35:16,554 00:35:18,122 "Look, I'll prescribe these capsules. "Look, I'll prescribe these capsules.
786 00:35:18,222 00:35:19,707 "I want you to go home "I want you to go home
787 00:35:19,807 00:35:21,500 "and put one in your back passage each day, "and put one in your back passage each day,
788 00:35:21,600 00:35:22,918 "and come and see me in a week's time." "and come and see me in a week's time."
789 00:35:23,018 00:35:23,961 OK. OK.
790 00:35:24,061 00:35:25,421 Bloke goes back in a week's time. Bloke goes back in a week's time.
791 00:35:25,521 00:35:27,965 He's all swollen up in the face and bloated in the stomach, He's all swollen up in the face and bloated in the stomach,
792 00:35:28,065 00:35:29,341 and the doctor said, "How'd you go?" and the doctor said, "How'd you go?"
793 00:35:29,441 00:35:31,009 He said...he said, "No good." He said...he said, "No good."
794 00:35:31,109 00:35:33,345 He said, "I haven't had a shit for another week." He said, "I haven't had a shit for another week."
795 00:35:33,445 00:35:34,513 The doctor says, "That's strange." The doctor says, "That's strange."
796 00:35:34,613 00:35:37,391 He said, "Did you put those capsules in your back passage?" He said, "Did you put those capsules in your back passage?"
797 00:35:37,491 00:35:39,059 - Mm-hm. - He says, "Yeah. - Mm-hm. - He says, "Yeah.
798 00:35:39,159 00:35:41,728 "I put 'em in the back passage, the front passage, "I put 'em in the back passage, the front passage,
799 00:35:41,828 00:35:42,979 "the lounge room..." "the lounge room..."
800 00:35:43,079 00:35:44,522 He said, "I even put one on the veranda, He said, "I even put one on the veranda,
801 00:35:44,622 00:35:45,857 "and for all the good they've done me, "and for all the good they've done me,
802 00:35:45,957 00:35:47,317 "I may as well have shoved 'em up me arse!" "I may as well have shoved 'em up me arse!"
803 00:35:58,594 00:36:00,121 - OK. - OK. - OK. - OK.
804 00:36:00,221 00:36:04,583 Young lady goes into a pet shop. Another pet shop. Young lady goes into a pet shop. Another pet shop.
805 00:36:04,683 00:36:07,044 She goes in and the pet shop owner comes up and goes, She goes in and the pet shop owner comes up and goes,
806 00:36:07,144 00:36:08,170 "Are you OK?" "Are you OK?"
807 00:36:08,270 00:36:10,464 She goes, "Oh, I'm kind of a bit lonely and I want... She goes, "Oh, I'm kind of a bit lonely and I want...
808 00:36:10,564 00:36:12,675 "I'm looking for a dog, little puppies, kinda cute. "I'm looking for a dog, little puppies, kinda cute.
809 00:36:12,775 00:36:14,009 "Looking for kittens. I'm not sure." "Looking for kittens. I'm not sure."
810 00:36:14,109 00:36:15,636 And he goes, "I've got just the thing for you And he goes, "I've got just the thing for you
811 00:36:15,736 00:36:16,720 "if you are, in fact, lonely." "if you are, in fact, lonely."
812 00:36:16,820 00:36:18,680 And he brings out this little frog. And he brings out this little frog.
813 00:36:18,780 00:36:20,140 She goes, "Oh. Frog. I'm not sure..." She goes, "Oh. Frog. I'm not sure..."
814 00:36:20,240 00:36:22,325 And he goes, "No, no, I'll just tell you. And he goes, "No, no, I'll just tell you.
815 00:36:22,951 00:36:26,479 "This frog gives the best oral sex in the world." "This frog gives the best oral sex in the world."
816 00:36:26,579 00:36:28,898 And she goes, "Oh. Does it?" And she goes, "Oh. Does it?"
817 00:36:28,998 00:36:30,900 And he goes, "But of course if you want to get the puppy dog, And he goes, "But of course if you want to get the puppy dog,
818 00:36:31,000 00:36:32,068 "if you want to get a kitten..." "if you want to get a kitten..."
819 00:36:32,168 00:36:34,195 "No, no, no, I might take the frog. Thank you very much." "No, no, no, I might take the frog. Thank you very much."
820 00:36:34,295 00:36:35,864 So she purchases the frog, she takes it home, So she purchases the frog, she takes it home,
821 00:36:35,964 00:36:38,199 she strips off, she gets on the bed, straight into it. she strips off, she gets on the bed, straight into it.
822 00:36:38,299 00:36:41,536 And puts the frog down, front and centre, between the legs, And puts the frog down, front and centre, between the legs,
823 00:36:41,636 00:36:43,120 and waits. and waits.
824 00:36:43,220 00:36:44,872 Nothing happens. Nothing happens.
825 00:36:44,972 00:36:46,791 She waits and waits. Still nothing happens. She waits and waits. Still nothing happens.
826 00:36:46,891 00:36:48,376 She gets on the phone, she rings up the pet shop, She gets on the phone, she rings up the pet shop,
827 00:36:48,476 00:36:49,960 she goes, "Ah, I got the frog. I did all the thing. she goes, "Ah, I got the frog. I did all the thing.
828 00:36:50,060 00:36:51,462 "I got it ready. And it's not doing a thing." "I got it ready. And it's not doing a thing."
829 00:36:51,562 00:36:52,838 The pet shop says, "Where do you live? The pet shop says, "Where do you live?
830 00:36:52,938 00:36:54,089 "I'll come straight over." "I'll come straight over."
831 00:36:54,189 00:36:55,758 He's there within 10 minutes. He's there within 10 minutes.
832 00:36:55,858 00:36:57,092 "Alright," and he comes in and he goes, "Alright," and he comes in and he goes,
833 00:36:57,192 00:36:58,886 "OK. Show me exactly what you tried to do." "OK. Show me exactly what you tried to do."
834 00:36:58,986 00:37:01,805 So the woman strips naked, down on the bed, spreads the legs, So the woman strips naked, down on the bed, spreads the legs,
835 00:37:01,905 00:37:04,016 puts the frog down between the legs, and goes, "See? puts the frog down between the legs, and goes, "See?
836 00:37:04,116 00:37:06,101 "Absolutely nothing is happening." "Absolutely nothing is happening."
837 00:37:06,201 00:37:08,812 Pet shop owner goes over, leans into the frog and goes, "OK! Pet shop owner goes over, leans into the frog and goes, "OK!
838 00:37:08,912 00:37:11,439 "I'll show you this one more time." "I'll show you this one more time."
839 00:37:15,710 00:37:18,988 Ah, there's a guy, he brings his dog in Ah, there's a guy, he brings his dog in
840 00:37:19,088 00:37:22,825 and he says to the barman, he says, and he says to the barman, he says,
841 00:37:22,925 00:37:25,578 "I'll bet you that my dog can talk "I'll bet you that my dog can talk
842 00:37:25,678 00:37:28,039 "but you have to shout me the night. "but you have to shout me the night.
843 00:37:28,139 00:37:29,790 "I get to drink for free all night "I get to drink for free all night
844 00:37:29,890 00:37:31,334 "if I can prove my dog can talk." "if I can prove my dog can talk."
845 00:37:31,434 00:37:32,501 Says, "Right." Says, "Right."
846 00:37:32,601 00:37:33,752 Says to the dog, he says, Says to the dog, he says,
847 00:37:33,852 00:37:40,384 "Who won the 1927 World Series for the Mets with... "Who won the 1927 World Series for the Mets with...
848 00:37:40,484 00:37:42,511 "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
849 00:37:42,611 00:37:46,223 He says, "Rowf!" "Yes! Babe Ruth! Babe Ruth! See? See?" He says, "Rowf!" "Yes! Babe Ruth! Babe Ruth! See? See?"
850 00:37:46,323 00:37:47,516 And the barman goes, And the barman goes,
851 00:37:47,616 00:37:49,810 "No, no, no. You've got to do better than that." "No, no, no. You've got to do better than that."
852 00:37:49,910 00:37:53,521 And he says to the dog, he says, "Hey, dog. What's that? And he says to the dog, he says, "Hey, dog. What's that?
853 00:37:53,621 00:37:55,565 "What's that above us right there?" "What's that above us right there?"
854 00:37:55,665 00:37:57,525 And the dog goes, "Rowf!" And the dog goes, "Rowf!"
855 00:37:57,625 00:38:01,029 And then the barman goes, "No, this is bullshit. And then the barman goes, "No, this is bullshit.
856 00:38:01,129 00:38:02,363 "You're trying... This is a scam." "You're trying... This is a scam."
857 00:38:02,463 00:38:04,741 Throws them both out on the street. Throws them both out on the street.
858 00:38:04,841 00:38:07,702 And the dog turns to the owner and says, And the dog turns to the owner and says,
859 00:38:07,802 00:38:10,454 "Jeez, he was a bit nasty." "Jeez, he was a bit nasty."
860 00:38:21,899 00:38:24,718 So a sexy woman comes out of the bathroom in a bar So a sexy woman comes out of the bathroom in a bar
861 00:38:24,818 00:38:27,596 and she walks up the bar and she says to the bartender... and she walks up the bar and she says to the bartender...
862 00:38:27,696 00:38:29,890 .."Can I speak to the manager?" .."Can I speak to the manager?"
863 00:38:29,990 00:38:31,141 In a really sexy voice. In a really sexy voice.
864 00:38:31,241 00:38:33,810 And he's like, "Manager's not here tonight." And he's like, "Manager's not here tonight."
865 00:38:33,910 00:38:37,314 And she goes, "Can you give him a message for me?" And she goes, "Can you give him a message for me?"
866 00:38:37,414 00:38:39,316 He goes, "OK." He's thinking, "Alright. He goes, "OK." He's thinking, "Alright.
867 00:38:39,416 00:38:40,942 "What's she got to say?" "What's she got to say?"
868 00:38:41,042 00:38:43,653 She grabs him by the scruff and pulls him closer She grabs him by the scruff and pulls him closer
869 00:38:43,753 00:38:45,822 and she says, "Can you tell him," and she says, "Can you tell him,"
870 00:38:45,922 00:38:48,908 as she runs her hands around his face as she runs her hands around his face
871 00:38:49,008 00:38:52,036 and she gently brushes his lips and his tongue... and she gently brushes his lips and his tongue...
872 00:38:52,136 00:38:55,831 She just catches his tongue with her finger. She just catches his tongue with her finger.
873 00:38:55,931 00:38:57,666 "Can you tell him "Can you tell him
874 00:38:57,766 00:39:00,294 "that there's no toilet paper, soap or hand towel "that there's no toilet paper, soap or hand towel
875 00:39:00,394 00:39:01,587 "in the bathroom?" "in the bathroom?"
876 00:39:05,190 00:39:06,550 - Sorry, Johnny. - Sorry, Johnny.
877 00:39:06,650 00:39:08,343 - No, I was very happy... Happy to be part of that act. - No, I was very happy... Happy to be part of that act.
878 00:39:08,443 00:39:09,636 - Well played, John. - Yes, thank you. - Well played, John. - Yes, thank you.
879 00:39:09,736 00:39:11,822 Good bar manager. Good bar manager. Good bar manager. Good bar manager.
880 00:39:12,614 00:39:16,810 Saw a sign, "Welcome to Autopsy Club. Saw a sign, "Welcome to Autopsy Club.
881 00:39:16,910 00:39:19,312 "It's Wednesday night, which is Open Mike night." "It's Wednesday night, which is Open Mike night."
882 00:39:27,670 00:39:29,572 I just finished reading this book on anti-gravity. I just finished reading this book on anti-gravity.
883 00:39:29,672 00:39:31,758 I couldn't put it down. I couldn't put it down.
884 00:39:33,259 00:39:35,828 I got in a water fight with the local kids outside my house. I got in a water fight with the local kids outside my house.
885 00:39:35,928 00:39:37,038 I won. I won.
886 00:39:37,138 00:39:39,623 Completely misunderestimated me and my kettle. Completely misunderestimated me and my kettle.
887 00:39:52,945 00:39:57,224 ♪ From outer mountains strawberry city ♪ From outer mountains strawberry city
888 00:39:57,324 00:39:59,851 ♪ They were outrageously unstoppable ♪ They were outrageously unstoppable
889 00:39:59,951 00:40:01,645 ♪ Selling out ♪ Selling out
890 00:40:01,745 00:40:04,022 ♪ They got a right to be ♪ They got a right to be
891 00:40:04,122 00:40:08,735 ♪ Owning all the highway towns on the way ♪ Owning all the highway towns on the way
892 00:40:08,835 00:40:12,113 ♪ I was in love with the singer ♪ I was in love with the singer
893 00:40:12,213 00:40:15,908 ♪ She could turn shit into sunshine ♪ She could turn shit into sunshine
894 00:40:16,008 00:40:18,953 ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème
895 00:40:19,053 00:40:23,082 ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème
896 00:40:23,182 00:40:26,627 ♪ Killing a pig from the start to the end ♪ Killing a pig from the start to the end
897 00:40:26,727 00:40:28,254 ♪ They're the crème de la crème... ♪ They're the crème de la crème...
898 00:40:28,354 00:40:30,047 This guy's reading through the local rag This guy's reading through the local rag
899 00:40:30,147 00:40:32,091 and comes across this article in the paper and comes across this article in the paper
900 00:40:32,191 00:40:34,885 that says there's a talking dog for sale for $25. that says there's a talking dog for sale for $25.
901 00:40:34,985 00:40:36,637 And of course he thinks it's a load of shit And of course he thinks it's a load of shit
902 00:40:36,737 00:40:38,180 but it's, like, 23 Johnson Street. but it's, like, 23 Johnson Street.
903 00:40:38,280 00:40:39,806 He's thinking, "This is just round the corner." He's thinking, "This is just round the corner."
904 00:40:39,906 00:40:41,683 So he's like, "I've got to find out what the scam is. So he's like, "I've got to find out what the scam is.
905 00:40:41,783 00:40:43,310 "It's worth a two-block walk." "It's worth a two-block walk."
906 00:40:43,410 00:40:44,978 So walks around, knocks on this guy's door. So walks around, knocks on this guy's door.
907 00:40:45,078 00:40:46,813 He said, "Read an article in the paper He said, "Read an article in the paper
908 00:40:46,913 00:40:48,231 "you got a talking dog for $25." "you got a talking dog for $25."
909 00:40:48,331 00:40:49,733 He said, "Yeah. It's around the back. He said, "Yeah. It's around the back.
910 00:40:49,833 00:40:51,192 "Go and see if you like it." "Go and see if you like it."
911 00:40:51,292 00:40:53,278 So he goes round the back. "He won't bite you. He's fine." So he goes round the back. "He won't bite you. He's fine."
912 00:40:53,378 00:40:55,613 The guy goes round the side, opens the side gate. The guy goes round the side, opens the side gate.
913 00:40:55,713 00:40:57,281 There's a dog there. He walks in and goes, "Right. There's a dog there. He walks in and goes, "Right.
914 00:40:57,381 00:40:58,616 "You're the talking dog, are you?" "You're the talking dog, are you?"
915 00:40:58,716 00:40:59,659 The dog goes, "Yep. The dog goes, "Yep.
916 00:40:59,759 00:41:01,160 "Yeah, no, I'm the talking dog." "Yeah, no, I'm the talking dog."
917 00:41:01,260 00:41:02,870 The guy said, "You're talking." He said, "Yeah. The guy said, "You're talking." He said, "Yeah.
918 00:41:02,970 00:41:04,997 "The boss put that in the article, didn't he?" "The boss put that in the article, didn't he?"
919 00:41:05,097 00:41:06,207 He said, "Well, yeah, he did He said, "Well, yeah, he did
920 00:41:06,307 00:41:07,708 "but I didn't believe it's true." "but I didn't believe it's true."
921 00:41:07,808 00:41:09,335 He said, "Oh, there you go. I'm a talking dog." He said, "Oh, there you go. I'm a talking dog."
922 00:41:09,435 00:41:10,461 He said, "What do you wanna know?" He said, "What do you wanna know?"
923 00:41:10,561 00:41:12,338 He said, "Oh, well, I thought it was a joke He said, "Oh, well, I thought it was a joke
924 00:41:12,438 00:41:13,839 "so I don't want to know anything, really. "so I don't want to know anything, really.
925 00:41:13,939 00:41:15,049 "But if you're a talking dog "But if you're a talking dog
926 00:41:15,149 00:41:17,050 "I'd be interested in having you come and live with me. "I'd be interested in having you come and live with me.
927 00:41:17,150 00:41:18,969 "I could do with some company." He said, "Alright." "I could do with some company." He said, "Alright."
928 00:41:19,069 00:41:20,220 He said, "Are you a man of the world?" He said, "Are you a man of the world?"
929 00:41:20,320 00:41:21,513 The guy said, "What do you mean?" The guy said, "What do you mean?"
930 00:41:21,613 00:41:23,932 He said, "Well, have you travelled? Have you been to Germany?" He said, "Well, have you travelled? Have you been to Germany?"
931 00:41:24,032 00:41:25,142 The guy said, "Ah, no, I haven't." The guy said, "Ah, no, I haven't."
932 00:41:25,242 00:41:26,643 He said, "Fantastic place, Germany." He said, "Fantastic place, Germany."
933 00:41:26,743 00:41:28,645 He said, "Seriously, great beer, as you probably know, He said, "Seriously, great beer, as you probably know,
934 00:41:28,745 00:41:30,438 "and, yeah, there's the sausages and all that." "and, yeah, there's the sausages and all that."
935 00:41:30,538 00:41:32,857 "But it's just an amazing place." Have you been to Switzerland?" "But it's just an amazing place." Have you been to Switzerland?"
936 00:41:32,957 00:41:35,276 The guy said, "Look, to be honest, I haven't travelled much at all." The guy said, "Look, to be honest, I haven't travelled much at all."
937 00:41:35,376 00:41:36,528 He said, "Switzerland is amazing. He said, "Switzerland is amazing.
938 00:41:36,628 00:41:37,737 "Look, we can talk about that "Look, we can talk about that
939 00:41:37,837 00:41:39,447 "but honestly the scenery is second to none." "but honestly the scenery is second to none."
940 00:41:39,547 00:41:41,199 He said, "Have you been through Asia at all?" He said, "Have you been through Asia at all?"
941 00:41:41,299 00:41:42,617 And he said, "Not really." And he said, "Not really."
942 00:41:42,717 00:41:44,285 He said, "Anyway, we got plenty we can talk about. He said, "Anyway, we got plenty we can talk about.
943 00:41:44,385 00:41:45,453 "No need to waste it all now." "No need to waste it all now."
944 00:41:45,553 00:41:46,954 He said, "Go and do the deal with the boss He said, "Go and do the deal with the boss
945 00:41:47,054 00:41:48,748 "and I guess we're going to be mates. "and I guess we're going to be mates.
946 00:41:48,848 00:41:50,124 "I'm looking forward to it." "I'm looking forward to it."
947 00:41:50,224 00:41:52,668 And he said, "OK. Fantastic." And he said, "OK. Fantastic."
948 00:41:52,768 00:41:54,461 Goes round the front and he says to the guy, "25 bucks?" Goes round the front and he says to the guy, "25 bucks?"
949 00:41:54,561 00:41:57,172 The guy goes, "Yep, 25 bucks." He goes, "Alright." The guy goes, "Yep, 25 bucks." He goes, "Alright."
950 00:41:57,272 00:42:00,217 He said, "I gotta ask, it's a talking dog. He said, "I gotta ask, it's a talking dog.
951 00:42:00,317 00:42:03,971 "Why on earth would you sell it for 25 bucks?" He said, "Ahhh." "Why on earth would you sell it for 25 bucks?" He said, "Ahhh."
952 00:42:04,071 00:42:05,472 He said, "I'm sick of the lies, mate." He said, "I'm sick of the lies, mate."
953 00:42:05,572 00:42:07,808 He said, "He's never been out of the fucking backyard." He said, "He's never been out of the fucking backyard."
954 00:42:09,326 00:42:12,437 ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème
955 00:42:12,537 00:42:15,899 ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème ♪ They are the crème de la crème de la crème
956 00:42:15,999 00:42:19,903 ♪ I was running away from the side to the end ♪ I was running away from the side to the end
957 00:42:20,003 00:42:24,048 ♪ For the crème de la crème de la crème. ♪ ♪ For the crème de la crème de la crème. ♪
958 00:42:26,133 00:42:27,702 Went for a job as an echo. Went for a job as an echo.
959 00:42:27,802 00:42:29,370 Still waiting to hear back from 'em. Still waiting to hear back from 'em.
960 00:42:34,350 00:42:35,459 I wonder if the Wright Brothers knew I wonder if the Wright Brothers knew
961 00:42:35,559 00:42:37,378 how much their invention would take off. how much their invention would take off.
962 00:42:40,564 00:42:42,549 This weightlifting woman went into the doctor. This weightlifting woman went into the doctor.
963 00:42:42,649 00:42:45,469 She said "I've taken that many steroids I've grown a dick." She said "I've taken that many steroids I've grown a dick."
964 00:42:45,569 00:42:47,804 He said, "Anabolic?" She said, "No, just a dick." He said, "Anabolic?" She said, "No, just a dick."
965 00:42:54,911 00:42:57,063 My friends tell me I'm too condescending. My friends tell me I'm too condescending.
966 00:42:57,163 00:42:59,249 That means I talk down to people. That means I talk down to people.
967 00:43:03,795 00:43:06,089 My wife said, "Sex is better on holidays." My wife said, "Sex is better on holidays."
968 00:43:07,381 00:43:08,366 Worst postcard ever. Worst postcard ever.
969 00:43:15,514 00:43:19,893 ♪ All I want is a brand-new pair of shoes ♪ All I want is a brand-new pair of shoes
970 00:43:21,687 00:43:24,089 ♪ 'Cause the ones that I've got ♪ 'Cause the ones that I've got
971 00:43:24,189 00:43:27,109 ♪ They've got holes about as big as the moon ♪ They've got holes about as big as the moon
972 00:43:29,236 00:43:32,347 ♪ Feel like a dog all covered in fleas ♪ Feel like a dog all covered in fleas
973 00:43:32,447 00:43:35,934 ♪ The more I scratch the less I ease ♪ The more I scratch the less I ease
974 00:43:36,034 00:43:40,897 ♪ People keep telling me money don't grow on trees... ♪ People keep telling me money don't grow on trees...
975 00:43:40,997 00:43:42,982 There's this jumbo jet, There's this jumbo jet,
976 00:43:43,082 00:43:45,151 Aer Lingus, Irish airline, Aer Lingus, Irish airline,
977 00:43:45,251 00:43:48,947 flying into the new landing runway... flying into the new landing runway...
978 00:43:49,047 00:43:51,449 - Sure. - ..at Dublin Airport. - Sure. - ..at Dublin Airport.
979 00:43:51,549 00:43:53,242 They come out of the cloud bank. They come out of the cloud bank.
980 00:43:53,342 00:43:55,203 Real low. Close to the ground. Real low. Close to the ground.
981 00:43:55,303 00:43:57,872 They realise, "Oh, no. Oh, no. They realise, "Oh, no. Oh, no.
982 00:43:57,972 00:44:00,374 "We're so close and it's such a short runway. "We're so close and it's such a short runway.
983 00:44:00,474 00:44:03,043 "The runway is too short. It'll never work." "The runway is too short. It'll never work."
984 00:44:03,143 00:44:05,170 But they land, they hit the tarmac. But they land, they hit the tarmac.
985 00:44:05,270 00:44:06,588 And they're putting on the brakes And they're putting on the brakes
986 00:44:06,688 00:44:08,340 and the flaps and the engines in reverse and the flaps and the engines in reverse
987 00:44:08,440 00:44:10,300 and the passengers in the back, they're going, and the passengers in the back, they're going,
988 00:44:10,400 00:44:11,969 "Oh, no! To be sure! To be sure! "Oh, no! To be sure! To be sure!
989 00:44:12,069 00:44:13,679 "We'll never survive! We'll never survive!" "We'll never survive! We'll never survive!"
990 00:44:13,779 00:44:17,849 And the aeroplane stops one millimetre away And the aeroplane stops one millimetre away
991 00:44:17,949 00:44:19,226 from the end of the runway. from the end of the runway.
992 00:44:19,326 00:44:22,354 And the captain says, "Those fools! And the captain says, "Those fools!
993 00:44:22,454 00:44:24,314 "This runway is way too short." "This runway is way too short."
994 00:44:24,414 00:44:26,274 And the co-pilot says, "Yeah. And the co-pilot says, "Yeah.
995 00:44:26,374 00:44:28,401 "But look how wide it is." "But look how wide it is."
996 00:44:32,046 00:44:33,197 The circus comes to town The circus comes to town
997 00:44:33,297 00:44:35,324 and a man goes up to the circus manager's office and a man goes up to the circus manager's office
998 00:44:35,424 00:44:37,994 and he says, "I'd like to apply for the position and he says, "I'd like to apply for the position
999 00:44:38,094 00:44:39,787 "you had advertised as a contortionist." "you had advertised as a contortionist."
1000 00:44:39,887 00:44:40,955 And the circus manager says, And the circus manager says,
1001 00:44:41,055 00:44:42,289 "OK, well, how flexible are you?" "OK, well, how flexible are you?"
1002 00:44:42,389 00:44:43,916 He says, "Well, I can't do Thursdays." He says, "Well, I can't do Thursdays."
1003 00:45:05,120 00:45:08,481 So there's this old guy, he's dying and his wife's with him. So there's this old guy, he's dying and his wife's with him.
1004 00:45:08,581 00:45:09,566 He's really old. He's really old.
1005 00:45:09,666 00:45:13,069 And he goes, "Martha," to his wife. And he goes, "Martha," to his wife.
1006 00:45:13,169 00:45:15,071 "Martha. "Martha.
1007 00:45:15,171 00:45:18,324 "I remember we came out from the old country, Martha. "I remember we came out from the old country, Martha.
1008 00:45:18,424 00:45:21,035 "And we crossed the border. We had nothing, Martha. "And we crossed the border. We had nothing, Martha.
1009 00:45:21,135 00:45:23,037 "We crossed the border. I got shot in the shoulder. "We crossed the border. I got shot in the shoulder.
1010 00:45:23,137 00:45:25,373 "Martha, you were with me. "Martha, you were with me.
1011 00:45:25,473 00:45:28,209 "And then we created a new life here. "And then we created a new life here.
1012 00:45:28,309 00:45:31,420 "We built up a company from nothing. The factory. "We built up a company from nothing. The factory.
1013 00:45:31,520 00:45:32,713 "And then it burns to the ground. "And then it burns to the ground.
1014 00:45:32,813 00:45:34,898 "You remember that, Martha? You were with me. "You remember that, Martha? You were with me.
1015 00:45:36,275 00:45:38,802 "And then I get the polio, Martha. "And then I get the polio, Martha.
1016 00:45:38,902 00:45:41,054 "I'm in an iron lung for four years, Martha, "I'm in an iron lung for four years, Martha,
1017 00:45:41,154 00:45:43,015 "but you were with me. "but you were with me.
1018 00:45:43,115 00:45:44,808 "Now I'm dying, Martha. "Now I'm dying, Martha.
1019 00:45:44,908 00:45:48,270 "I just want to tell you one thing, Martha. "I just want to tell you one thing, Martha.
1020 00:45:48,370 00:45:50,397 "Martha, you're a fucking jinx!" "Martha, you're a fucking jinx!"
1021 00:45:53,541 00:45:56,002 ♪ I'm gonna see... ♪ I'm gonna see...
1022 00:46:00,840 00:46:02,992 This is a true story. This is a true story.
1023 00:46:03,092 00:46:05,912 The guy got busted up in Byron Bay. The guy got busted up in Byron Bay.
1024 00:46:06,012 00:46:08,431 Got caught barbecuing a platypus. Got caught barbecuing a platypus.
1025 00:46:09,682 00:46:11,584 And, you know, the locals were outraged. And, you know, the locals were outraged.
1026 00:46:11,684 00:46:15,212 He went to court, got fined and the judge called him over. He went to court, got fined and the judge called him over.
1027 00:46:15,312 00:46:17,397 Said to him... Said to him...
1028 00:46:18,482 00:46:19,425 .."What did it taste like?" .."What did it taste like?"
1029 00:46:19,525 00:46:21,610 And the guy said... And the guy said...
1030 00:46:22,027 00:46:23,679 .."Halfway between a dolphin and a koala." .."Halfway between a dolphin and a koala."
1031 00:46:25,363 00:46:27,449 Oh, God no. Oh, God no.
1032 00:46:29,534 00:46:35,148 ♪ But I can only give you the best that I can do, yeah... ♪ But I can only give you the best that I can do, yeah...
1033 00:46:35,248 00:46:38,151 So it's Monday morning and the teacher's there and she said, So it's Monday morning and the teacher's there and she said,
1034 00:46:38,251 00:46:39,694 "Have a think about your weekend "Have a think about your weekend
1035 00:46:39,794 00:46:41,696 "and come back with a story with a moral. "and come back with a story with a moral.
1036 00:46:41,796 00:46:43,197 "Who's got one?" "Who's got one?"
1037 00:46:43,297 00:46:46,951 So little Lucy, dependable little Lucy, first hand up. So little Lucy, dependable little Lucy, first hand up.
1038 00:46:47,051 00:46:48,327 And she says, And she says,
1039 00:46:48,427 00:46:51,664 "Well, I took my old dog Rover for a walk on the weekend. "Well, I took my old dog Rover for a walk on the weekend.
1040 00:46:51,764 00:46:53,457 "And I tried to teach him to roll over. "And I tried to teach him to roll over.
1041 00:46:53,557 00:46:56,377 "And you know what, miss? I couldn't teach him. "And you know what, miss? I couldn't teach him.
1042 00:46:56,477 00:46:59,171 "You can't teach an old dog new tricks, miss." "You can't teach an old dog new tricks, miss."
1043 00:46:59,271 00:47:03,217 She goes, "Oh, Lucy, every time you get it right. Every time." She goes, "Oh, Lucy, every time you get it right. Every time."
1044 00:47:03,317 00:47:05,385 Course there was Steven. He's got his hand up too. Course there was Steven. He's got his hand up too.
1045 00:47:05,485 00:47:07,846 He wants to be part of it. He wants to be part of it.
1046 00:47:07,946 00:47:09,139 "Steven, what's your story?" "Steven, what's your story?"
1047 00:47:09,239 00:47:12,434 He says, "Well, I had a race against my next-door neighbour He says, "Well, I had a race against my next-door neighbour
1048 00:47:12,534 00:47:14,060 "and he took off real fast "and he took off real fast
1049 00:47:14,160 00:47:18,106 "but he tripped in a pothole and he sprained his ankle. "but he tripped in a pothole and he sprained his ankle.
1050 00:47:18,206 00:47:20,358 "But I was just going slowly. I was taking care. "But I was just going slowly. I was taking care.
1051 00:47:20,458 00:47:23,695 "I didn't fall down any holes and I won that race, miss. "I didn't fall down any holes and I won that race, miss.
1052 00:47:23,795 00:47:26,447 "Slow and steady wins the race, doesn't it, miss?" "Slow and steady wins the race, doesn't it, miss?"
1053 00:47:26,547 00:47:29,575 And she goes... Really there's a connection going on. And she goes... Really there's a connection going on.
1054 00:47:29,675 00:47:31,202 She's really teaching the kids. She's really teaching the kids.
1055 00:47:31,302 00:47:32,662 And of course little Johnny's up the back. And of course little Johnny's up the back.
1056 00:47:32,762 00:47:34,914 "I got one. I got one." She's like, "Ohhh... "I got one. I got one." She's like, "Ohhh...
1057 00:47:35,014 00:47:37,374 "OK, Johnny, what's your story?" "OK, Johnny, what's your story?"
1058 00:47:37,474 00:47:39,335 He said, "I spent the weekend with my uncle Kev, He said, "I spent the weekend with my uncle Kev,
1059 00:47:39,435 00:47:40,836 "the Vietnam vet. "the Vietnam vet.
1060 00:47:40,936 00:47:42,671 "Uncle Ken, he was in Vietnam "Uncle Ken, he was in Vietnam
1061 00:47:42,771 00:47:44,548 "and he got separated from his battalion. "and he got separated from his battalion.
1062 00:47:44,648 00:47:45,924 "It was bloody horrible. "It was bloody horrible.
1063 00:47:46,024 00:47:47,926 "Anyway, Uncle Kev, he jumps in the bush, "Anyway, Uncle Kev, he jumps in the bush,
1064 00:47:48,026 00:47:50,512 "he pulls out some Saigon spirits, right? "he pulls out some Saigon spirits, right?
1065 00:47:50,612 00:47:52,055 "Sculls half the bottle." "Sculls half the bottle."
1066 00:47:52,155 00:47:54,057 "Gets out his gun, jumps out. Bang, bang, bang, bang! "Gets out his gun, jumps out. Bang, bang, bang, bang!
1067 00:47:54,157 00:47:55,392 "Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang! "Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
1068 00:47:55,492 00:47:58,144 "And there's blood everywhere. Takes about 30 of 'em out. "And there's blood everywhere. Takes about 30 of 'em out.
1069 00:47:58,244 00:47:59,854 "He jumps back into the bush. "He jumps back into the bush.
1070 00:47:59,954 00:48:02,941 "He sculls the second half of that bottle of Saigon spirits, "He sculls the second half of that bottle of Saigon spirits,
1071 00:48:03,041 00:48:04,442 "just smashes it back. "just smashes it back.
1072 00:48:04,542 00:48:06,152 "Miss, you should've seen him. "Miss, you should've seen him.
1073 00:48:06,252 00:48:07,445 "He jumps out, gets his other gun. "He jumps out, gets his other gun.
1074 00:48:07,545 00:48:09,781 "Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. "Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
1075 00:48:09,881 00:48:11,240 "All of a sudden he's out of bullets "All of a sudden he's out of bullets
1076 00:48:11,340 00:48:12,617 "and there's still five of 'em left. "and there's still five of 'em left.
1077 00:48:12,717 00:48:13,826 "Don't worry about that. "Don't worry about that.
1078 00:48:13,926 00:48:15,911 "He gets that bottle, smashes it against his head. "He gets that bottle, smashes it against his head.
1079 00:48:16,011 00:48:17,580 "Hack! Hack! Hack! Hack! "Hack! Hack! Hack! Hack!
1080 00:48:17,680 00:48:19,123 "He doesn't stop "He doesn't stop
1081 00:48:19,223 00:48:21,976 "till every single one of them buggers is dead, miss. "till every single one of them buggers is dead, miss.
1082 00:48:23,936 00:48:27,798 Kids are crying in the class, you know, and the teacher says, Kids are crying in the class, you know, and the teacher says,
1083 00:48:27,898 00:48:31,802 ""What could the moral of that story possibly be?" ""What could the moral of that story possibly be?"
1084 00:48:31,902 00:48:33,428 And he says, And he says,
1085 00:48:33,528 00:48:34,721 "Well, you don't fuck with Uncle Kev "Well, you don't fuck with Uncle Kev
1086 00:48:34,821 00:48:36,181 "when he's on the piss." "when he's on the piss."
1087 00:48:39,159 00:48:42,495 Oh, that's lovely. What a heart-warming story. Oh, that's lovely. What a heart-warming story.
1088 00:48:43,746 00:48:46,232 ♪ Sweet, sweet love ♪ Sweet, sweet love
1089 00:48:46,332 00:48:49,485 ♪ It will last, it will last ♪ It will last, it will last
1090 00:48:49,585 00:48:53,923 ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
1091 00:48:55,967 00:48:58,452 ♪ Sweet, sweet love ♪ Sweet, sweet love
1092 00:48:58,552 00:49:01,789 ♪ It will last, it will last ♪ It will last, it will last
1093 00:49:01,889 00:49:03,707 ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah
1094 00:49:03,807 00:49:06,210 ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah... ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...
1095 00:49:06,310 00:49:08,212 I got one. Bloke goes into a pub and says, I got one. Bloke goes into a pub and says,
1096 00:49:08,312 00:49:10,339 "Give us a beer before the trouble starts." "Give us a beer before the trouble starts."
1097 00:49:10,439 00:49:11,548 Publican pours him a beer. Publican pours him a beer.
1098 00:49:11,648 00:49:14,259 He goes, "Alright. Give us another beer before the trouble starts." He goes, "Alright. Give us another beer before the trouble starts."
1099 00:49:14,359 00:49:16,178 Pours another beer and drinks that. Pours another beer and drinks that.
1100 00:49:16,278 00:49:17,262 Then his mate walks in. Then his mate walks in.
1101 00:49:17,362 00:49:18,430 He goes, "Oh, me mate's here. He goes, "Oh, me mate's here.
1102 00:49:18,530 00:49:20,390 "Give me mate a beer before the trouble starts." "Give me mate a beer before the trouble starts."
1103 00:49:20,490 00:49:21,516 He said, "Oh, by the way. He said, "Oh, by the way.
1104 00:49:21,616 00:49:23,351 "Give me another beer before the trouble starts." "Give me another beer before the trouble starts."
1105 00:49:23,451 00:49:25,937 And the publican says, "Hey. That'll be $15.80." And the publican says, "Hey. That'll be $15.80."
1106 00:49:26,037 00:49:27,605 Said, "Look out. The trouble's started." Said, "Look out. The trouble's started."
1107 00:49:30,333 00:49:32,860 ♪ It burns much inside ♪ It burns much inside
1108 00:49:32,960 00:49:39,467 ♪ As I want you till the day I'm done ♪ As I want you till the day I'm done
1109 00:50:09,162 00:50:12,857 This guy hadn't been laid in quite some time. This guy hadn't been laid in quite some time.
1110 00:50:12,957 00:50:15,777 He said, "I'm going to go out tonight. I'm going to hook up." He said, "I'm going to go out tonight. I'm going to hook up."
1111 00:50:15,877 00:50:17,278 You know. So he goes to a bar. You know. So he goes to a bar.
1112 00:50:17,378 00:50:18,863 He looks over in the corner He looks over in the corner
1113 00:50:18,963 00:50:22,033 and there's an older woman, mature-looking woman. and there's an older woman, mature-looking woman.
1114 00:50:22,133 00:50:25,286 He thinks, "Fuck it!" You know. He thinks, "Fuck it!" You know.
1115 00:50:25,386 00:50:27,872 And then he has this thought of, like, And then he has this thought of, like,
1116 00:50:27,972 00:50:29,999 "She could really have a really hot daughter "She could really have a really hot daughter
1117 00:50:30,099 00:50:32,710 "and then, you know, maybe a threesome." "and then, you know, maybe a threesome."
1118 00:50:32,810 00:50:35,212 He's just... He's getting ahead of himself. He's just... He's getting ahead of himself.
1119 00:50:35,312 00:50:37,548 They have a few drinks and then he sort of reveals They have a few drinks and then he sort of reveals
1120 00:50:37,648 00:50:40,509 his mother/daughter fantasy to her, you know? his mother/daughter fantasy to her, you know?
1121 00:50:40,609 00:50:42,552 She's had a few drinks and then she sort of stops She's had a few drinks and then she sort of stops
1122 00:50:42,652 00:50:45,680 and just says, "Really? That's interesting. and just says, "Really? That's interesting.
1123 00:50:45,780 00:50:48,517 "Let's go back to my place." "Let's go back to my place."
1124 00:50:48,617 00:50:51,311 And he's just going, "Fuck!" You know? And he's just going, "Fuck!" You know?
1125 00:50:51,411 00:50:54,064 Get in the cab, get to her place, open the front door. Get in the cab, get to her place, open the front door.
1126 00:50:54,164 00:50:55,940 She goes, "Mum, are you awake?" She goes, "Mum, are you awake?"
1127 00:50:59,460 00:51:01,362 Two comedians talking to each other. Two comedians talking to each other.
1128 00:51:01,462 00:51:03,156 He says, "I haven't seen you. Where have you been?" He says, "I haven't seen you. Where have you been?"
1129 00:51:03,256 00:51:07,660 He says, "I'm in America. I'm in a sitcom. It's massive. He says, "I'm in America. I'm in a sitcom. It's massive.
1130 00:51:07,760 00:51:08,869 "Do you not..." "Do you not..."
1131 00:51:08,969 00:51:12,039 He goes, "Really? I... I haven't heard what it is." He goes, "Really? I... I haven't heard what it is."
1132 00:51:12,139 00:51:13,707 He goes, "Yeah, yeah. He goes, "Yeah, yeah.
1133 00:51:13,807 00:51:16,252 "I do these big stadiums all over in America. "I do these big stadiums all over in America.
1134 00:51:16,352 00:51:18,128 "They're all sold out in advance." "They're all sold out in advance."
1135 00:51:18,228 00:51:20,589 He goes, "I haven't heard any of this." He goes, "I haven't heard any of this."
1136 00:51:20,689 00:51:23,509 He goes, "Yeah. They get it here now. It's syndicated here. He goes, "Yeah. They get it here now. It's syndicated here.
1137 00:51:23,609 00:51:26,053 "You know... It's a big hit here." "You know... It's a big hit here."
1138 00:51:26,153 00:51:29,014 And he goes, "I haven't heard any of this." And he goes, "I haven't heard any of this."
1139 00:51:29,114 00:51:31,516 He goes, "Yeah, I'm doing a big stadium tour He goes, "Yeah, I'm doing a big stadium tour
1140 00:51:31,616 00:51:33,518 "on the back of the sitcom being a big hit. "on the back of the sitcom being a big hit.
1141 00:51:33,618 00:51:35,520 "And the whole thing's sold out in advance. "And the whole thing's sold out in advance.
1142 00:51:35,620 00:51:39,440 He goes, "I haven't heard any of this." He goes, "I haven't heard any of this."
1143 00:51:39,540 00:51:41,276 He goes, "Yeah, I just...I popped up He goes, "Yeah, I just...I popped up
1144 00:51:41,376 00:51:43,361 "at a local comedy club the other night "at a local comedy club the other night
1145 00:51:43,461 00:51:44,904 "just to try out some new material, "just to try out some new material,
1146 00:51:45,004 00:51:46,280 "just to see how it'll go down. "just to see how it'll go down.
1147 00:51:46,380 00:51:48,282 "And died me arse." "And died me arse."
1148 00:51:48,382 00:51:50,034 He goes, "Oh, yeah, I heard about THAT." He goes, "Oh, yeah, I heard about THAT."
1149 00:51:55,764 00:51:58,709 I went over and visited my aunty and uncle. I went over and visited my aunty and uncle.
1150 00:51:58,809 00:52:00,294 She made dinner. Beautiful, right? She made dinner. Beautiful, right?
1151 00:52:00,394 00:52:02,588 And because they're old school, And because they're old school,
1152 00:52:02,688 00:52:04,590 I was left there at the table with my uncle I was left there at the table with my uncle
1153 00:52:04,690 00:52:07,426 and she's taken the plates out to the kitchen to wash up. and she's taken the plates out to the kitchen to wash up.
1154 00:52:07,526 00:52:09,219 And I said, "I'll come help." "No, no, stay there." And I said, "I'll come help." "No, no, stay there."
1155 00:52:09,319 00:52:11,513 So I'm sitting there at the table with me uncle, right? So I'm sitting there at the table with me uncle, right?
1156 00:52:11,613 00:52:13,348 And I said, "Jeez, that was good food, hey?" And I said, "Jeez, that was good food, hey?"
1157 00:52:13,448 00:52:15,350 He said, "Oh, yeah, bloody marvellous, hey?" He said, "Oh, yeah, bloody marvellous, hey?"
1158 00:52:15,450 00:52:17,560 He said, "We went out to dinner the other night. He said, "We went out to dinner the other night.
1159 00:52:17,660 00:52:20,980 "It was a grouse night too. Bloody beautiful food." "It was a grouse night too. Bloody beautiful food."
1160 00:52:21,080 00:52:22,524 And I said, "Fair dinkum. Where was it? And I said, "Fair dinkum. Where was it?
1161 00:52:22,624 00:52:24,275 "What was the name of the joint?" "What was the name of the joint?"
1162 00:52:24,375 00:52:26,194 "Oh, jeez, I knew you were going to ask me that. Hang on. "Oh, jeez, I knew you were going to ask me that. Hang on.
1163 00:52:26,294 00:52:31,449 "Now, was it bloody...ah...oh, you know, um... You know... "Now, was it bloody...ah...oh, you know, um... You know...
1164 00:52:33,175 00:52:35,786 "What's the name? You know, that flower. "What's the name? You know, that flower.
1165 00:52:35,886 00:52:37,496 "It's like a flower. You know? "It's like a flower. You know?
1166 00:52:37,596 00:52:40,166 "And you give it to sheilas on Valentines Day. You know? "And you give it to sheilas on Valentines Day. You know?
1167 00:52:40,266 00:52:42,251 "And it's got the thorns." I said, "Oh, rose!" "And it's got the thorns." I said, "Oh, rose!"
1168 00:52:42,351 00:52:43,335 He says, "Yeah! He says, "Yeah!
1169 00:52:43,435 00:52:45,671 "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that bloody restaurant?" "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that bloody restaurant?"
1170 00:52:50,859 00:52:53,553 A woman gets into an elevator and there's a man there A woman gets into an elevator and there's a man there
1171 00:52:53,653 00:52:55,430 and he goes, "Oh. Hello. What floor are you going to?" and he goes, "Oh. Hello. What floor are you going to?"
1172 00:52:55,530 00:52:57,224 She says, "Oh, three, please." She says, "Oh, three, please."
1173 00:52:57,324 00:52:58,975 He says, "Where are you heading to today?" He says, "Where are you heading to today?"
1174 00:52:59,075 00:53:02,437 She says, "I'm going to give blood." He said, "Oh, really? She says, "I'm going to give blood." He said, "Oh, really?
1175 00:53:02,537 00:53:05,857 "How much do you get for giving blood?" She says, "£20." "How much do you get for giving blood?" She says, "£20."
1176 00:53:05,957 00:53:07,901 He says, "Oh, wow! He says, "Oh, wow!
1177 00:53:08,001 00:53:09,777 "I'm just about to donate some sperm, you know, "I'm just about to donate some sperm, you know,
1178 00:53:09,877 00:53:12,155 "and the sperm bank gives £100." "and the sperm bank gives £100."
1179 00:53:12,255 00:53:14,157 And she's like, "Really?" And she's like, "Really?"
1180 00:53:14,257 00:53:17,076 She gets off. Next day, he's there again in the lift. She gets off. Next day, he's there again in the lift.
1181 00:53:17,176 00:53:18,327 "Fancy meeting you. "Fancy meeting you.
1182 00:53:18,427 00:53:20,121 "Where are you off to?" "Where are you off to?"
1183 00:53:20,221 00:53:22,123 "Sperm bank." "Sperm bank."
1184 00:53:24,058 00:53:26,001 Oh, man. Oh, man.
1185 00:53:26,101 00:53:29,171 There's this show. There's a concert on. There's this show. There's a concert on.
1186 00:53:29,271 00:53:32,174 And there's this ventriloquist and he's got his dummy out And there's this ventriloquist and he's got his dummy out
1187 00:53:32,274 00:53:33,842 and he's doing this fantastic routine and he's doing this fantastic routine
1188 00:53:33,942 00:53:35,218 but he's offending everyone. but he's offending everyone.
1189 00:53:35,318 00:53:37,554 He's offended... He's offended the Ukrainians. He's offended... He's offended the Ukrainians.
1190 00:53:37,654 00:53:40,390 He's offended the Scots. He's offended everyone. He's offended the Scots. He's offended everyone.
1191 00:53:40,490 00:53:42,976 And finally he says, "And tell me, Jerry, And finally he says, "And tell me, Jerry,
1192 00:53:43,076 00:53:45,437 "What do you think about the Irish?" "What do you think about the Irish?"
1193 00:53:45,537 00:53:47,355 And before he can get a word out, And before he can get a word out,
1194 00:53:47,455 00:53:49,649 this huge Irish bloke stands up in the audience this huge Irish bloke stands up in the audience
1195 00:53:49,749 00:53:50,692 and he says, and he says,
1196 00:53:50,792 00:53:53,236 "If you're going to do any Irish jokes, "If you're going to do any Irish jokes,
1197 00:53:53,336 00:53:54,320 "I'm gonna come up there, "I'm gonna come up there,
1198 00:53:54,420 00:53:56,114 "I'm going to belt your bloody head in." "I'm going to belt your bloody head in."
1199 00:53:56,214 00:54:00,326 And the ventriloquist says, "Look. And the ventriloquist says, "Look.
1200 00:54:00,426 00:54:02,953 "This isn't meant in bad taste. We're just covering everybody." "This isn't meant in bad taste. We're just covering everybody."
1201 00:54:03,053 00:54:04,497 And he said, "I'm not talking to you. And he said, "I'm not talking to you.
1202 00:54:04,597 00:54:05,915 "I'm talking to that cheeky little bastard "I'm talking to that cheeky little bastard
1203 00:54:06,015 00:54:07,333 "sitting on your knee." "sitting on your knee."
1204 00:54:10,227 00:54:13,297 ♪ I might get home next to never ♪ I might get home next to never
1205 00:54:13,397 00:54:15,674 ♪ You won't see me round ♪ You won't see me round
1206 00:54:15,774 00:54:17,342 ♪ 'Cause if I never get on up ♪ 'Cause if I never get on up
1207 00:54:17,442 00:54:19,511 ♪ Why, I can never get let down... ♪ ♪ Why, I can never get let down... ♪
1208 00:54:19,611 00:54:22,514 An Irishman walks into his local pub, An Irishman walks into his local pub,
1209 00:54:22,614 00:54:25,809 and the bartender says, "What can I get for you, Sean?" and the bartender says, "What can I get for you, Sean?"
1210 00:54:25,909 00:54:28,645 He said, "I'll have a pint of stout, Patrick." He said, "I'll have a pint of stout, Patrick."
1211 00:54:28,745 00:54:30,230 And he says, "As a matter of fact, And he says, "As a matter of fact,
1212 00:54:30,330 00:54:33,233 "it's the last drink I'm ever gonna buy in this pub." "it's the last drink I'm ever gonna buy in this pub."
1213 00:54:33,333 00:54:35,735 And the bartender said, "What are you talking about?! And the bartender said, "What are you talking about?!
1214 00:54:35,835 00:54:37,153 "We didn't have a fight, did we?" "We didn't have a fight, did we?"
1215 00:54:37,253 00:54:38,446 He said, "Oh, no, no, no." He said, "Oh, no, no, no."
1216 00:54:38,546 00:54:40,573 He said, "It's nothing personal, Patrick," He said, "It's nothing personal, Patrick,"
1217 00:54:40,673 00:54:43,242 he said, "but I just found out that down at the Royal, he said, "but I just found out that down at the Royal,
1218 00:54:43,342 00:54:46,162 "you walk in, you buy your first drink, "you walk in, you buy your first drink,
1219 00:54:46,262 00:54:48,914 "after that, you drink for nothing all night, "after that, you drink for nothing all night,
1220 00:54:49,014 00:54:51,041 "and at the end of the night, you get a free fuck!" "and at the end of the night, you get a free fuck!"
1221 00:54:52,935 00:54:55,587 He said, "Who told you that?!" He said, "Me daughter." He said, "Who told you that?!" He said, "Me daughter."
1222 00:54:57,981 00:55:01,051 A guy goes to a psychiatrist, and, um... A guy goes to a psychiatrist, and, um...
1223 00:55:01,151 00:55:03,512 ..the psychiatrist said to him, "Oh, what can I do for you?" ..the psychiatrist said to him, "Oh, what can I do for you?"
1224 00:55:03,612 00:55:05,388 He said, "Oh, it's not me, it's my brother." He said, "Oh, it's not me, it's my brother."
1225 00:55:05,488 00:55:07,057 He said, "Oh, what's wrong with your brother?" He said, "Oh, what's wrong with your brother?"
1226 00:55:07,157 00:55:08,475 He said, "He thinks he's an orange." He said, "He thinks he's an orange."
1227 00:55:08,575 00:55:10,060 He said, "Oh, you should bring him in." He said, "Oh, you should bring him in."
1228 00:55:10,160 00:55:11,853 He said, "Oh, I did. I've got him here in my pocket." He said, "Oh, I did. I've got him here in my pocket."
1229 00:55:11,953 00:55:15,106 My Uncle Jaime has been... My Uncle Jaime has been...
1230 00:55:15,206 00:55:17,775 ..has been going to the same restaurant for 20 years. ..has been going to the same restaurant for 20 years.
1231 00:55:17,875 00:55:20,445 - The same restaurant! - 20 years. Every Monday night. - The same restaurant! - 20 years. Every Monday night.
1232 00:55:20,545 00:55:24,073 The same order - one bowl of chicken noodle soup. The same order - one bowl of chicken noodle soup.
1233 00:55:24,173 00:55:26,784 But just last week, something went terribly wrong. But just last week, something went terribly wrong.
1234 00:55:26,884 00:55:28,994 "Waiter? Waiter? "Waiter? Waiter?
1235 00:55:29,094 00:55:30,579 "Try the soup." "Try the soup."
1236 00:55:30,679 00:55:33,374 "What, is something wrong? Is it not hot enough?" "What, is something wrong? Is it not hot enough?"
1237 00:55:33,474 00:55:35,542 "Just...just try the soup." "Just...just try the soup."
1238 00:55:35,642 00:55:37,795 "What, is it too salty? Not salty enough? "What, is it too salty? Not salty enough?
1239 00:55:37,895 00:55:42,174 "Is the noodle-to-liquid ratio not what you had anticipated?" "Is the noodle-to-liquid ratio not what you had anticipated?"
1240 00:55:42,274 00:55:46,261 "Solly, Solly, my old friend, I want you should try the soup." "Solly, Solly, my old friend, I want you should try the soup."
1241 00:55:46,361 00:55:48,221 "OK! OK, I'll try the soup! "OK! OK, I'll try the soup!
1242 00:55:48,321 00:55:50,390 "Now, where's the spoon?" "Now, where's the spoon?"
1243 00:55:50,490 00:55:51,892 "Aha!" "Aha!"
1244 00:56:01,125 00:56:04,195 You know, if you want a job in the moisturiser industry, You know, if you want a job in the moisturiser industry,
1245 00:56:04,295 00:56:06,989 the best advice I can give you is apply daily. the best advice I can give you is apply daily.
1246 00:56:10,134 00:56:12,161 You know, the people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones, You know, the people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones,
1247 00:56:12,261 00:56:13,746 but the people of Abu-Dhabi-do. but the people of Abu-Dhabi-do.
1248 00:56:16,098 00:56:19,501 Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
1249 00:56:19,601 00:56:21,336 - I don't know. - 'Cause he's married. - I don't know. - 'Cause he's married.
1250 00:56:23,313 00:56:26,191 I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting that.
1251 00:56:28,652 00:56:29,886 I went to an auction I went to an auction
1252 00:56:29,986 00:56:31,930 and I bought the DeLorean from Back To The Future. and I bought the DeLorean from Back To The Future.
1253 00:56:32,030 00:56:33,598 I'm only gonna drive it from time to time. I'm only gonna drive it from time to time.
1254 00:56:33,698 00:56:35,892 Ohh! Nice! Ohh! Nice!
1255 00:56:35,992 00:56:38,144 A blonde and a redhead sitting at a bar. A blonde and a redhead sitting at a bar.
1256 00:56:38,244 00:56:40,980 The blonde looks out the window and she sees this guy The blonde looks out the window and she sees this guy
1257 00:56:41,080 00:56:43,983 with these really long-stemmed flowers. with these really long-stemmed flowers.
1258 00:56:44,083 00:56:46,819 And the redhead looks and goes, "Ugh! It's my husband. And the redhead looks and goes, "Ugh! It's my husband.
1259 00:56:46,919 00:56:49,447 "All that means is that I'm gonna spend the entire week "All that means is that I'm gonna spend the entire week
1260 00:56:49,547 00:56:51,199 "on my back with my legs open." "on my back with my legs open."
1261 00:56:51,299 00:56:53,951 And the blonde goes, "Don't you have a vase?" And the blonde goes, "Don't you have a vase?"
1262 00:56:54,051 00:56:55,327 Yes! Yes!
1263 00:56:55,427 00:56:57,079 There's this guy, right, and he goes... There's this guy, right, and he goes...
1264 00:56:57,179 00:56:58,581 ..he goes in and he just grabs a pint ..he goes in and he just grabs a pint
1265 00:56:58,681 00:57:00,207 and he just smashes it against the wall. and he just smashes it against the wall.
1266 00:57:00,307 00:57:01,667 The bartender goes, "What are you doing?" The bartender goes, "What are you doing?"
1267 00:57:01,767 00:57:02,876 He goes, "Oh, it's a problem I have. He goes, "Oh, it's a problem I have.
1268 00:57:02,976 00:57:04,086 "I'm sorry. I'm very ashamed of it." "I'm sorry. I'm very ashamed of it."
1269 00:57:04,186 00:57:05,629 He goes, "You've got to get that checked out. He goes, "You've got to get that checked out.
1270 00:57:05,729 00:57:07,047 "You've got to go speak to someone about it." "You've got to go speak to someone about it."
1271 00:57:07,147 00:57:08,173 And he goes, "OK." And he goes, "OK."
1272 00:57:08,273 00:57:09,758 So, he goes away for three months, comes back, So, he goes away for three months, comes back,
1273 00:57:09,858 00:57:11,134 drinks a pint and just chucks it at the wall drinks a pint and just chucks it at the wall
1274 00:57:11,234 00:57:12,177 and then it just smashes. and then it just smashes.
1275 00:57:12,277 00:57:13,345 He goes, "What are you doing? He goes, "What are you doing?
1276 00:57:13,445 00:57:14,971 "I thought you said you were gonna get help for it." "I thought you said you were gonna get help for it."
1277 00:57:15,071 00:57:16,890 He's like, "Yep. I did. I'm not ashamed of it anymore." He's like, "Yep. I did. I'm not ashamed of it anymore."
1278 00:57:18,783 00:57:21,478 Another true... Listen. It's a true story. Another true... Listen. It's a true story.
1279 00:57:21,578 00:57:23,480 Some... It can't be all jokes. Some... It can't be all jokes.
1280 00:57:23,580 00:57:25,899 - It can't be. - Some of it has to be true. - It can't be. - Some of it has to be true.
1281 00:57:25,999 00:57:27,859 A true story. We're listening. We're listening. A true story. We're listening. We're listening.
1282 00:57:27,959 00:57:30,044 Go on. Go on.
1283 00:57:30,586 00:57:33,781 A frog goes into a bank... A frog goes into a bank...
1284 00:57:33,881 00:57:35,449 ..to get a loan... ..to get a loan...
1285 00:57:35,549 00:57:37,118 These two drunks have just left the pub These two drunks have just left the pub
1286 00:57:37,218 00:57:38,536 and they're pretty pissed, and they're pretty pissed,
1287 00:57:38,636 00:57:39,870 and they're walking down the road, and they're walking down the road,
1288 00:57:39,970 00:57:42,164 and in the gutter, there's a dog there licking its balls. and in the gutter, there's a dog there licking its balls.
1289 00:57:42,264 00:57:44,041 And one drunk said to the other, he said, "Jesus." And one drunk said to the other, he said, "Jesus."
1290 00:57:44,141 00:57:45,584 He said, "I'd love to be able to do that." He said, "I'd love to be able to do that."
1291 00:57:45,684 00:57:48,462 And his mate said, "I think I'd fuckin' pat him first." And his mate said, "I think I'd fuckin' pat him first."
1292 00:57:50,230 00:57:51,423 How many body builders How many body builders
1293 00:57:51,523 00:57:52,674 does it take to change a light bulb? does it take to change a light bulb?
1294 00:57:52,774 00:57:54,217 - How many? - Two. - How many? - Two.
1295 00:57:54,317 00:57:55,469 One to change the light bulb One to change the light bulb
1296 00:57:55,569 00:57:57,929 and another one to go, "Look at you, man! You're huge!" and another one to go, "Look at you, man! You're huge!"
1297 00:58:08,790 00:58:15,613 ♪ Well, I'm looking out on an overcast sky in the morning ♪ Well, I'm looking out on an overcast sky in the morning
1298 00:58:15,713 00:58:23,621 ♪ I can't hear the warning as it calls to you ♪ I can't hear the warning as it calls to you
1299 00:58:23,721 00:58:27,416 ♪ As the birds migrate and the wind is raised ♪ As the birds migrate and the wind is raised
1300 00:58:27,516 00:58:30,044 ♪ I see the eagle soaring ♪ I see the eagle soaring
1301 00:58:30,144 00:58:36,733 ♪ Although I'm just a pawn in nature's game, like you ♪ Although I'm just a pawn in nature's game, like you
1302 00:58:38,193 00:58:40,278 ♪ Wa-hoo ♪ Wa-hoo
1303 00:58:41,112 00:58:44,224 ♪ Wa-hoo ♪ Wa-hoo
1304 00:58:44,324 00:58:48,369 ♪ Wa-hoo-ah ♪ Wa-hoo-ah
1305 00:58:50,663 00:58:53,107 ♪ On the wings of an eagle ♪ On the wings of an eagle
1306 00:58:53,207 00:58:57,111 ♪ I find myself lifted through the skies ♪ I find myself lifted through the skies
1307 00:58:57,211 00:59:01,841 ♪ Lifted up above the world to see ♪ Lifted up above the world to see
1308 00:59:03,259 00:59:05,911 ♪ On the wings of an eagle ♪ On the wings of an eagle
1309 00:59:06,011 00:59:09,832 ♪ I find myself lifted through the skies ♪ I find myself lifted through the skies
1310 00:59:09,932 00:59:15,087 ♪ Lifted up above the world to see ♪ Lifted up above the world to see
1311 00:59:15,187 00:59:22,511 ♪ Can you see me? Can you see me? ♪ Can you see me? Can you see me?
1312 00:59:22,611 00:59:26,431 ♪ As the days roll on and the nights get long ♪ As the days roll on and the nights get long
1313 00:59:26,531 00:59:29,142 ♪ The changing of the seasons ♪ The changing of the seasons
1314 00:59:29,242 00:59:30,810 ♪ The falling autumn... ♪ ♪ The falling autumn... ♪
1315 00:59:30,910 00:59:31,978 Hi, Dad. Hi, Dad.
1316 00:59:32,078 00:59:33,313 - Hey, mate. - How are you going? - Hey, mate. - How are you going?
1317 00:59:33,413 00:59:34,606 Yeah, not bad. Yeah, not bad.
1318 00:59:34,706 00:59:37,650 ♪ They bring me down ♪ They bring me down
1319 00:59:37,750 00:59:40,795 ♪ They bring me down... ♪ ♪ They bring me down... ♪
1320 00:59:46,300 00:59:48,661 Yeah, so, um... Yeah, so, um...
1321 00:59:48,761 00:59:50,704 ..what's the guts of this party? ..what's the guts of this party?
1322 00:59:50,804 00:59:52,890 What's it really all about? What's it really all about?
1323 00:59:54,016 00:59:58,061 Well, uh...to tell the truth, I threw it for you. Well, uh...to tell the truth, I threw it for you.
1324 00:59:59,605 01:00:01,690 Me? Me?
1325 01:00:02,232 01:00:05,510 Well...you've spent my whole life making me laugh, Well...you've spent my whole life making me laugh,
1326 01:00:05,610 01:00:08,847 so I thought it...might be nice to try and return the favour. so I thought it...might be nice to try and return the favour.
1327 01:00:08,947 01:00:12,017 So...thought I'd bring some mates round So...thought I'd bring some mates round
1328 01:00:12,117 01:00:13,560 to give me a chop out. to give me a chop out.
1329 01:00:13,660 01:00:15,937 And, you know, let's be honest, you're not getting any younger And, you know, let's be honest, you're not getting any younger
1330 01:00:16,037 01:00:17,564 and I'm not getting any funnier, so... and I'm not getting any funnier, so...
1331 01:00:17,664 01:00:19,482 No. No.
1332 01:00:19,582 01:00:22,443 Yeah, this, uh...this gig looks like it might go for a while. Yeah, this, uh...this gig looks like it might go for a while.
1333 01:00:22,543 01:00:24,946 I don't know whether I'll see it right to the end. I don't know whether I'll see it right to the end.
1334 01:00:25,046 01:00:27,615 I'll probably have another couple of quiet ones, I'll probably have another couple of quiet ones,
1335 01:00:27,715 01:00:28,908 then I might just drift off. then I might just drift off.
1336 01:00:29,008 01:00:30,618 If I'm missing, you'll know that I've hit the sack If I'm missing, you'll know that I've hit the sack
1337 01:00:30,718 01:00:31,994 and called it a day. and called it a day.
1338 01:00:32,094 01:00:33,245 Done. Done.
1339 01:00:33,345 01:00:34,497 But it's been terrific, you know? But it's been terrific, you know?
1340 01:00:34,597 01:00:36,624 And thanks...thanks, boy. And thanks...thanks, boy.
1341 01:00:36,724 01:00:38,809 Pleasure, Dad. Pleasure, Dad.
1342 01:00:42,563 01:00:43,922 One more for the road? One more for the road?
1343 01:00:44,022 01:00:45,841 Ooh, why not? Why not? Ooh, why not? Why not?
1344 01:00:45,941 01:00:49,052 So, uh...this primary school, So, uh...this primary school,
1345 01:00:49,152 01:00:51,388 it's St Patrick's Day, and they decide it's St Patrick's Day, and they decide
1346 01:00:51,488 01:00:53,557 they should invite one of the kids' grandparents along, they should invite one of the kids' grandparents along,
1347 01:00:53,657 01:00:55,058 'cause he served during the war. 'cause he served during the war.
1348 01:00:55,158 01:00:57,894 So he comes into the classroom and he explains, he said... So he comes into the classroom and he explains, he said...
1349 01:00:57,994 01:01:00,188 .. "Well, children, I fought in the war. .. "Well, children, I fought in the war.
1350 01:01:00,288 01:01:01,481 "War's a terrible thing. "War's a terrible thing.
1351 01:01:01,581 01:01:03,441 "People fighting other people because of other people." "People fighting other people because of other people."
1352 01:01:03,541 01:01:05,651 He said, "Hope you never have to be a part of it," he said. He said, "Hope you never have to be a part of it," he said.
1353 01:01:05,751 01:01:07,445 "Anyway, I worked on an airfield," "Anyway, I worked on an airfield,"
1354 01:01:07,545 01:01:10,615 and he said, "and this day, I'm on the airfield and he said, "and this day, I'm on the airfield
1355 01:01:10,715 01:01:13,117 "and this fucker comes swooping in, shooting at me." "and this fucker comes swooping in, shooting at me."
1356 01:01:13,217 01:01:15,077 And the teacher rushes in and says, And the teacher rushes in and says,
1357 01:01:15,177 01:01:16,579 "Just before he goes any further, "Just before he goes any further,
1358 01:01:16,679 01:01:17,997 "children, just so you know, "children, just so you know,
1359 01:01:18,097 01:01:21,792 "a Fokker was an aeroplane that they used during the war." "a Fokker was an aeroplane that they used during the war."
1360 01:01:21,892 01:01:24,920 And he said, "That is right. And he said, "That is right.
1361 01:01:25,020 01:01:28,173 "But THIS fucker was flying a Messerschmitt." "But THIS fucker was flying a Messerschmitt."
1362 01:02:02,431 01:02:04,208 - The Irish. - See you later. - The Irish. - See you later.
1363 01:02:04,308 01:02:06,393 God bless 'em. Yeah, see you, boy. God bless 'em. Yeah, see you, boy.
1364 01:02:23,868 01:02:25,520 Good lad. Good lad.
1365 01:02:25,620 01:02:27,063 OK, everyone, last round. OK, everyone, last round.
1366 01:02:46,557 01:02:49,101 ♪ This might come back to bite us ♪ This might come back to bite us
1367 01:02:50,602 01:02:53,105 ♪ I know you think so too ♪ I know you think so too
1368 01:02:55,148 01:02:57,901 ♪ But when it come to it, babe ♪ But when it come to it, babe
1369 01:02:59,027 01:03:01,738 ♪ What have we got to lose? ♪ What have we got to lose?
1370 01:03:03,531 01:03:06,784 ♪ Holding back feeling ♪ Holding back feeling
1371 01:03:07,869 01:03:10,830 ♪ Can't stop a waterfall ♪ Can't stop a waterfall
1372 01:03:12,123 01:03:15,359 ♪ No good at pretending, oh ♪ No good at pretending, oh
1373 01:03:15,459 01:03:18,921 ♪ When my back's against the wall ♪ When my back's against the wall
1374 01:03:20,506 01:03:23,659 ♪ I've had you on my mind ♪ I've had you on my mind
1375 01:03:23,759 01:03:25,844 ♪ Tonight, oh ♪ Tonight, oh
1376 01:03:26,887 01:03:29,790 ♪ All I need is a sign ♪ All I need is a sign
1377 01:03:29,890 01:03:33,101 ♪ Don't think twice... ♪ ♪ Don't think twice... ♪
1378 01:03:34,436 01:03:37,381 So, the Lone Ranger got caught by Sitting Bull. So, the Lone Ranger got caught by Sitting Bull.
1379 01:03:37,481 01:03:40,759 It was horrifying. This great hero of the American people. It was horrifying. This great hero of the American people.
1380 01:03:40,859 01:03:43,553 And out of respect, Sitting Bull says to the Lone Ranger, And out of respect, Sitting Bull says to the Lone Ranger,
1381 01:03:43,653 01:03:45,347 "You're an amazing man. "You're an amazing man.
1382 01:03:45,447 01:03:47,849 "So...I'm gonna kill you in three days, "So...I'm gonna kill you in three days,
1383 01:03:47,949 01:03:49,351 "but I'll give you, you know, "but I'll give you, you know,
1384 01:03:49,451 01:03:50,935 "three little moments, three requests, "three little moments, three requests,
1385 01:03:51,035 01:03:53,229 "you know, try and ease the pain." "you know, try and ease the pain."
1386 01:03:53,329 01:03:54,856 So, the Lone Ranger says, So, the Lone Ranger says,
1387 01:03:54,956 01:03:56,733 "No problems at all. I'd like to talk to my horse." "No problems at all. I'd like to talk to my horse."
1388 01:03:56,833 01:03:58,151 So, they bring Silver in, So, they bring Silver in,
1389 01:03:58,251 01:04:00,820 and the Lone Ranger whispers in that beautiful horse's ear, and the Lone Ranger whispers in that beautiful horse's ear,
1390 01:04:00,920 01:04:02,822 and all of a sudden... and all of a sudden...
1391 01:04:02,922 01:04:05,783 ..out over the horizon, Silver gallops. ..out over the horizon, Silver gallops.
1392 01:04:05,883 01:04:07,535 Comes back a couple of hours later Comes back a couple of hours later
1393 01:04:07,635 01:04:10,204 with the most beautiful lady riding on his back. with the most beautiful lady riding on his back.
1394 01:04:10,304 01:04:11,789 Beautiful, lovely blonde lady. Beautiful, lovely blonde lady.
1395 01:04:11,889 01:04:15,125 And she goes into the tent with the Lone Ranger, And she goes into the tent with the Lone Ranger,
1396 01:04:15,225 01:04:16,585 and they spend the night. and they spend the night.
1397 01:04:16,685 01:04:17,795 She comes out, She comes out,
1398 01:04:17,895 01:04:20,130 and Sitting Bull is, of course, very impressed with this - and Sitting Bull is, of course, very impressed with this -
1399 01:04:20,230 01:04:23,383 this connection between man and beast he's not seen before. this connection between man and beast he's not seen before.
1400 01:04:23,483 01:04:25,927 So he says, "You're an amazing guy, Lone Ranger. So he says, "You're an amazing guy, Lone Ranger.
1401 01:04:26,027 01:04:28,805 "I'm gonna kill you in two days, but, still, um..." "I'm gonna kill you in two days, but, still, um..."
1402 01:04:31,324 01:04:34,811 "So, I...do you want another little request or something?" "So, I...do you want another little request or something?"
1403 01:04:34,911 01:04:36,187 And the Lone Ranger says, And the Lone Ranger says,
1404 01:04:36,287 01:04:39,732 "I'll do that. I'd like to talk to my horse again." "I'll do that. I'd like to talk to my horse again."
1405 01:04:39,832 01:04:42,193 So Silver comes in. He whispers in Silver's ear. So Silver comes in. He whispers in Silver's ear.
1406 01:04:42,293 01:04:44,570 Same thing - boom! - gallops over the horizon. Same thing - boom! - gallops over the horizon.
1407 01:04:44,670 01:04:45,988 In two hours, comes back - In two hours, comes back -
1408 01:04:46,088 01:04:50,618 this time, another lovely lady, a brunette this time, this time, another lovely lady, a brunette this time,
1409 01:04:50,718 01:04:53,913 and more intelligent and voluptuous and quite a stunner. and more intelligent and voluptuous and quite a stunner.
1410 01:04:54,013 01:04:55,581 And in she goes into the tent, And in she goes into the tent,
1411 01:04:55,681 01:04:58,083 and who knows what happens betwixt the sheets that night? and who knows what happens betwixt the sheets that night?
1412 01:04:58,183 01:04:59,626 "Betwixt"! "Betwixt"!
1413 01:04:59,726 01:05:01,170 And they come out in the morning And they come out in the morning
1414 01:05:01,270 01:05:03,547 and the Lone Ranger's looking around again. and the Lone Ranger's looking around again.
1415 01:05:03,647 01:05:05,132 Sitting Bull says, "This is quite something. Sitting Bull says, "This is quite something.
1416 01:05:05,232 01:05:06,925 "That is quite a special horse. "That is quite a special horse.
1417 01:05:07,025 01:05:09,928 "I will kill you tomorrow, still, "I will kill you tomorrow, still,
1418 01:05:10,028 01:05:12,430 "because I hate everything about you." "because I hate everything about you."
1419 01:05:14,240 01:05:15,600 "But I'll give you one more request, "But I'll give you one more request,
1420 01:05:15,700 01:05:16,810 "since you're so amazing." "since you're so amazing."
1421 01:05:16,910 01:05:18,812 And this time, the Lone Ranger says, "No problems at all. And this time, the Lone Ranger says, "No problems at all.
1422 01:05:18,912 01:05:20,563 "This time, could I just have "This time, could I just have
1423 01:05:20,663 01:05:23,149 "a quiet word with the horse in private?" "a quiet word with the horse in private?"
1424 01:05:23,249 01:05:24,525 "Yeah, no problems at all." "Yeah, no problems at all."
1425 01:05:24,625 01:05:27,153 So the horse goes into the tent, and finally, he's alone, So the horse goes into the tent, and finally, he's alone,
1426 01:05:27,253 01:05:29,697 and the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by the ears, and the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by the ears,
1427 01:05:29,797 01:05:31,282 he looks into his eyes, he says, he looks into his eyes, he says,
1428 01:05:31,382 01:05:34,952 "I will tell you clearly - bring POSSE!" "I will tell you clearly - bring POSSE!"
1429 01:05:40,432 01:05:44,294 ♪ Don't you think twice, babe ♪ Don't you think twice, babe
1430 01:05:44,394 01:05:46,480 ♪ Don't think twice ♪ Don't think twice
1431 01:05:48,315 01:05:50,967 ♪ Don't think twice... ♪ ♪ Don't think twice... ♪
1432 01:05:51,067 01:05:53,887 OK, so, there's this, um, army captain OK, so, there's this, um, army captain
1433 01:05:53,987 01:05:55,472 and he goes out to visit the troops and he goes out to visit the troops
1434 01:05:55,572 01:05:57,098 in the middle of the desert, and he hasn't... in the middle of the desert, and he hasn't...
1435 01:05:57,198 01:05:58,892 They've been out there for months and months and months They've been out there for months and months and months
1436 01:05:58,992 01:06:00,268 on their own. on their own.
1437 01:06:00,368 01:06:02,312 So, he's like, "OK, guys, are you gonna show me around?" So, he's like, "OK, guys, are you gonna show me around?"
1438 01:06:02,412 01:06:04,439 And they go, "Well...yeah, alright." And they go, "Well...yeah, alright."
1439 01:06:04,539 01:06:07,191 So, it's like, "There's a tent, and there's another tent, So, it's like, "There's a tent, and there's another tent,
1440 01:06:07,291 01:06:08,901 "and there's another tent. "and there's another tent.
1441 01:06:09,001 01:06:12,071 "That's...pretty much it. "That's...pretty much it.
1442 01:06:12,171 01:06:13,531 "Yep." "Yep."
1443 01:06:13,631 01:06:15,366 And he goes, "Well, what's that?" And he goes, "Well, what's that?"
1444 01:06:15,466 01:06:18,202 There's, like, this really sad-looking camel. There's, like, this really sad-looking camel.
1445 01:06:18,302 01:06:20,287 And they went, "Oh. And they went, "Oh.
1446 01:06:20,387 01:06:22,498 "Yeah, that's, uh... that's the camel." "Yeah, that's, uh... that's the camel."
1447 01:06:22,598 01:06:24,917 And he goes, "Why is it so sad?" And he goes, "Why is it so sad?"
1448 01:06:25,017 01:06:27,753 And he goes, "Well, it's really... And he goes, "Well, it's really...
1449 01:06:27,853 01:06:30,213 "..been a while out here in the desert, "..been a while out here in the desert,
1450 01:06:30,313 01:06:32,257 "and there's no women, and... "and there's no women, and...
1451 01:06:32,357 01:06:35,927 "..so sometimes we... take the camel and... "..so sometimes we... take the camel and...
1452 01:06:36,027 01:06:38,113 "..you know." "..you know."
1453 01:06:38,613 01:06:41,725 And he goes, "Oh. OK." And he goes, "Oh. OK."
1454 01:06:41,825 01:06:44,602 Anyway, so, a few days go past Anyway, so, a few days go past
1455 01:06:44,702 01:06:47,080 and the captain sort of looks at the camel and goes... and the captain sort of looks at the camel and goes...
1456 01:06:48,206 01:06:50,358 .."Nah. No, I'll be alright." .."Nah. No, I'll be alright."
1457 01:06:50,458 01:06:54,070 And then a couple of weeks go past and he's like... And then a couple of weeks go past and he's like...
1458 01:06:54,170 01:06:55,780 "OK, well... "OK, well...
1459 01:06:55,880 01:06:57,448 "Nah, I'll be right. No, it's OK." "Nah, I'll be right. No, it's OK."
1460 01:06:57,548 01:07:01,285 And then a month later, he's like, "Guys, grab that camel. And then a month later, he's like, "Guys, grab that camel.
1461 01:07:01,385 01:07:03,787 "Get it in the tent. Get it in the tent now." "Get it in the tent. Get it in the tent now."
1462 01:07:03,887 01:07:05,831 So, they take the camel in the tent So, they take the camel in the tent
1463 01:07:05,931 01:07:08,375 and he's, like...gets his pants down and he roots the camel and he's, like...gets his pants down and he roots the camel
1464 01:07:08,475 01:07:10,002 and he comes out and he goes, and he comes out and he goes,
1465 01:07:10,102 01:07:11,879 "So, that's what we do in the desert, is it?" "So, that's what we do in the desert, is it?"
1466 01:07:11,979 01:07:14,589 And the guys go, "We usually just ride it into town And the guys go, "We usually just ride it into town
1467 01:07:14,689 01:07:16,133 "and get a girl, but..." "and get a girl, but..."
1468 01:07:18,151 01:07:20,236 "..good on you." "..good on you."
1469 01:07:44,385 01:07:48,722 ♪ Let's go driving on this highway ♪ Let's go driving on this highway
1470 01:07:50,182 01:07:52,267 ♪ Let me wander ♪ Let me wander
1471 01:07:53,936 01:07:56,646 ♪ Far and wide ♪ Far and wide
1472 01:07:59,733 01:08:04,237 ♪ Got my arm out of the window ♪ Got my arm out of the window
1473 01:08:05,613 01:08:11,661 ♪ With my baggage on fire by my side ♪ With my baggage on fire by my side
1474 01:08:15,581 01:08:20,653 ♪ All I see is this orange colour ♪ All I see is this orange colour
1475 01:08:20,753 01:08:23,255 ♪ I see it glowing ♪ I see it glowing
1476 01:08:24,715 01:08:28,244 ♪ A burning blaze... ♪ ♪ A burning blaze... ♪
1477 01:08:28,344 01:08:30,162 This old bloke lives just down the road from us, This old bloke lives just down the road from us,
1478 01:08:30,262 01:08:32,539 and he's getting on a bit, he lost his wife a few years ago, and he's getting on a bit, he lost his wife a few years ago,
1479 01:08:32,639 01:08:33,999 and I kind of help him out, and I kind of help him out,
1480 01:08:34,099 01:08:35,793 just taking the bins out and a few things, just taking the bins out and a few things,
1481 01:08:35,893 01:08:38,086 and just recently, we went through daylight saving time and just recently, we went through daylight saving time
1482 01:08:38,186 01:08:39,963 and it was the day after, and it was the day after,
1483 01:08:40,063 01:08:41,757 and I went in there, and he leaves the front door open. and I went in there, and he leaves the front door open.
1484 01:08:41,857 01:08:43,300 I said, "Are you there, Harold? Are you there?" I said, "Are you there, Harold? Are you there?"
1485 01:08:43,400 01:08:44,801 And I couldn't hear anything, and I walked in, And I couldn't hear anything, and I walked in,
1486 01:08:44,901 01:08:47,137 and when I walked in, he was sitting on the couch and when I walked in, he was sitting on the couch
1487 01:08:47,237 01:08:48,847 with some boot polish with some boot polish
1488 01:08:48,947 01:08:51,683 and rubbing black boot polish on his dick. and rubbing black boot polish on his dick.
1489 01:08:51,783 01:08:53,977 And I had to go, "No, no, Harold! And I had to go, "No, no, Harold!
1490 01:08:54,077 01:08:55,937 "Harold, what I said was, "Harold, what I said was,
1491 01:08:56,037 01:08:58,606 "'Don't forget to turn your CLOCK BACK!'" "'Don't forget to turn your CLOCK BACK!'"
1492 01:09:00,166 01:09:02,860 - ♪ Better days - ♪ Better days - ♪ Better days - ♪ Better days
1493 01:09:02,960 01:09:05,988 ♪ I can't keep going this way ♪ I can't keep going this way
1494 01:09:06,088 01:09:10,092 ♪ Something's gotta help me stay ♪ Something's gotta help me stay
1495 01:09:11,510 01:09:15,956 ♪ With this world... ♪ ♪ With this world... ♪
1496 01:09:16,056 01:09:18,667 There is a guy at this pub and he is smashed. There is a guy at this pub and he is smashed.
1497 01:09:18,767 01:09:21,503 He's never been this drunk before, and he's a big drinker, He's never been this drunk before, and he's a big drinker,
1498 01:09:21,603 01:09:25,924 but he's completely, apoplectically smashed. but he's completely, apoplectically smashed.
1499 01:09:26,024 01:09:28,218 And he says, "Righto, can't drink any more. And he says, "Righto, can't drink any more.
1500 01:09:28,318 01:09:29,511 "I'm going home!" "I'm going home!"
1501 01:09:29,611 01:09:31,096 And all his mates are shouting at him. And all his mates are shouting at him.
1502 01:09:31,196 01:09:33,264 He's, "No, no, bugger off! I'm going home!" He's, "No, no, bugger off! I'm going home!"
1503 01:09:33,364 01:09:37,519 And he falls out of his chair and drags himself to the door. And he falls out of his chair and drags himself to the door.
1504 01:09:39,329 01:09:40,647 Pushes the door open. Pushes the door open.
1505 01:09:40,747 01:09:43,232 "No, no, shut up! I'm not coming back in!" "No, no, shut up! I'm not coming back in!"
1506 01:09:43,332 01:09:44,650 And they're all shouting. And they're all shouting.
1507 01:09:44,750 01:09:46,611 And he drags himself all the way down to the highway. And he drags himself all the way down to the highway.
1508 01:09:46,711 01:09:49,155 And then, "Nneeeooowww!" And then, "Nneeeooowww!"
1509 01:09:49,255 01:09:51,490 "Nneeeooowww!" He makes it across the highway. "Nneeeooowww!" He makes it across the highway.
1510 01:09:51,590 01:09:53,826 He goes up the street, down the street, He goes up the street, down the street,
1511 01:09:53,926 01:09:55,744 over a hill and back down the hill, over a hill and back down the hill,
1512 01:09:55,844 01:09:58,455 finally gets to his... to his place. finally gets to his... to his place.
1513 01:09:58,555 01:10:01,667 Pushes the door open and then... Pushes the door open and then...
1514 01:10:01,767 01:10:04,920 ..drags himself up the stairs, gets to his bed ..drags himself up the stairs, gets to his bed
1515 01:10:05,020 01:10:07,297 and drags himself into the bed, and drags himself into the bed,
1516 01:10:07,397 01:10:08,799 then goes, "Ohhh, man!" then goes, "Ohhh, man!"
1517 01:10:08,899 01:10:10,717 And he falls back and says to his wife, And he falls back and says to his wife,
1518 01:10:10,817 01:10:14,179 "Oh! I'm so drunk! I've never been this drunk!" "Oh! I'm so drunk! I've never been this drunk!"
1519 01:10:14,279 01:10:15,847 And she sits up and says, And she sits up and says,
1520 01:10:15,947 01:10:19,476 "Yes, and you've left your wheelchair at the pub again!" "Yes, and you've left your wheelchair at the pub again!"
1521 01:10:21,744 01:10:23,479 It's a wheelchair joke! It's a wheelchair joke!
1522 01:10:24,956 01:10:27,041 Don't leave the pub without it! Don't leave the pub without it!
1523 01:10:28,084 01:10:30,461 ♪ If you only would ♪ If you only would
1524 01:10:32,254 01:10:35,366 - ♪ Better days - ♪ Better days - ♪ Better days - ♪ Better days
1525 01:10:35,466 01:10:38,761 ♪ I ain't got a dime to call you... ♪ ♪ I ain't got a dime to call you... ♪
1526 01:10:40,054 01:10:42,581 The hunchback of Notre Dame goes to a party. The hunchback of Notre Dame goes to a party.
1527 01:10:44,683 01:10:46,627 That's not it! That's not it... That's not it! That's not it...
1528 01:10:46,727 01:10:48,503 It's very dark, it's very late It's very dark, it's very late
1529 01:10:48,603 01:10:50,380 and he turns up to the party a little bit late, and he turns up to the party a little bit late,
1530 01:10:50,480 01:10:51,923 everyone's having a ball everyone's having a ball
1531 01:10:52,023 01:10:54,342 and he sees a really lovely-looking lady and he sees a really lovely-looking lady
1532 01:10:54,442 01:10:56,428 across the room. across the room.
1533 01:10:56,528 01:10:59,097 And he has a few drinks and gets enough courage And he has a few drinks and gets enough courage
1534 01:10:59,197 01:11:00,932 and makes his way over, right? and makes his way over, right?
1535 01:11:03,034 01:11:05,562 This is my hunchback impersonation. It's terrible. This is my hunchback impersonation. It's terrible.
1536 01:11:05,662 01:11:07,563 - Taps her on the shoulder. - "'Scuse me?!" - Taps her on the shoulder. - "'Scuse me?!"
1537 01:11:07,663 01:11:11,609 "Can I...? Can I take you for a dance?" "Can I...? Can I take you for a dance?"
1538 01:11:11,709 01:11:14,528 And she's like, "Oh! Oh, um, yep. And she's like, "Oh! Oh, um, yep.
1539 01:11:14,628 01:11:16,989 "Uh, yes! I'd love to dance! Lovely!" "Uh, yes! I'd love to dance! Lovely!"
1540 01:11:17,089 01:11:19,575 So, they dance throughout... So, they dance throughout...
1541 01:11:19,675 01:11:21,160 And he's a really good dancer. And he's a really good dancer.
1542 01:11:21,260 01:11:22,953 Like, he's doing the worm, the full bit. Like, he's doing the worm, the full bit.
1543 01:11:24,680 01:11:27,040 And he says, "Can I get you a drink? I can make you a drink?" And he says, "Can I get you a drink? I can make you a drink?"
1544 01:11:27,140 01:11:28,709 And she's like, "That would be lovely." And she's like, "That would be lovely."
1545 01:11:28,809 01:11:30,419 She can barely see this guy but she's like, She can barely see this guy but she's like,
1546 01:11:30,519 01:11:31,837 "Yeah, great. Sounds great." "Yeah, great. Sounds great."
1547 01:11:31,937 01:11:33,463 He makes her a drink. The night progresses. He makes her a drink. The night progresses.
1548 01:11:33,563 01:11:36,174 He's made her many drinks, they've had many dances, He's made her many drinks, they've had many dances,
1549 01:11:36,274 01:11:37,843 and he's had a few drinks himself and he's had a few drinks himself
1550 01:11:37,943 01:11:39,678 and thinks, "Alright, I'm gonna...see if I can... and thinks, "Alright, I'm gonna...see if I can...
1551 01:11:39,778 01:11:41,513 "I think I might be in here." "I think I might be in here."
1552 01:11:41,613 01:11:44,891 So, he goes, "Would you consider coming home with me?" So, he goes, "Would you consider coming home with me?"
1553 01:11:44,991 01:11:46,559 And she's like... And she's like...
1554 01:11:46,659 01:11:49,270 She's a bit tanked, so she's like, "Well... Yeah, alright. She's a bit tanked, so she's like, "Well... Yeah, alright.
1555 01:11:49,370 01:11:51,189 "That sounds kind of fun. Great. Yeah." "That sounds kind of fun. Great. Yeah."
1556 01:11:51,289 01:11:53,608 And, so, he wanders out the front And, so, he wanders out the front
1557 01:11:53,708 01:11:56,068 and there's a hansom cab waiting, naturally, and there's a hansom cab waiting, naturally,
1558 01:11:56,168 01:11:59,071 and he gets over to the hansom cab and, um... and he gets over to the hansom cab and, um...
1559 01:11:59,171 01:12:01,532 ..tries to blow out the candle. ..tries to blow out the candle.
1560 01:12:01,632 01:12:03,993 And "Sss! Sss!" Blows out the candles, so she can't... And "Sss! Sss!" Blows out the candles, so she can't...
1561 01:12:04,093 01:12:05,911 'Cause he's very conscious, 'Cause he's very conscious,
1562 01:12:06,011 01:12:08,288 if she sees him, she's not gonna come home. if she sees him, she's not gonna come home.
1563 01:12:08,388 01:12:11,834 So, they get in the hansom cab, get back to Notre Dame. So, they get in the hansom cab, get back to Notre Dame.
1564 01:12:11,934 01:12:15,379 She's like, "Oh, this is enormous! Is this your place?" She's like, "Oh, this is enormous! Is this your place?"
1565 01:12:15,479 01:12:17,422 He's like, "Yeah, it's not bad!" He's like, "Yeah, it's not bad!"
1566 01:12:17,522 01:12:19,966 "I'm very sorry about all the stairs." "I'm very sorry about all the stairs."
1567 01:12:20,066 01:12:21,927 She's like, "Oh, no, that's OK." She's like, "Oh, no, that's OK."
1568 01:12:22,027 01:12:24,721 So, they go up the stairs and as they're going up the stairs, So, they go up the stairs and as they're going up the stairs,
1569 01:12:24,821 01:12:27,390 he's... .. trying to blow out the candles... he's... .. trying to blow out the candles...
1570 01:12:27,490 01:12:30,852 "Sss! Sss!" Doing all the candles on the way up. "Sss! Sss!" Doing all the candles on the way up.
1571 01:12:30,952 01:12:32,854 They get to the top - the view's spectacular. They get to the top - the view's spectacular.
1572 01:12:32,954 01:12:35,064 She's like, "This is amazing." She's like, "This is amazing."
1573 01:12:35,164 01:12:37,525 He's like, "Yeah, it's not bad. He's like, "Yeah, it's not bad.
1574 01:12:37,625 01:12:40,778 "Would you consider having sex with me?" "Would you consider having sex with me?"
1575 01:12:40,878 01:12:42,613 And she's pretty tanked And she's pretty tanked
1576 01:12:42,713 01:12:44,949 and she's looking at the view, she's in a great pad, and she's looking at the view, she's in a great pad,
1577 01:12:45,049 01:12:46,742 and she's like, "Yeah, OK. Why not? and she's like, "Yeah, OK. Why not?
1578 01:12:46,842 01:12:48,410 "Yeah, alright. Sounds good." "Yeah, alright. Sounds good."
1579 01:12:48,510 01:12:51,538 And, so, they go to bed and they have really great sex. And, so, they go to bed and they have really great sex.
1580 01:12:51,638 01:12:54,083 Great...great sex. All night. Great...great sex. All night.
1581 01:12:54,183 01:12:56,293 And they fall asleep in each other's arms. And they fall asleep in each other's arms.
1582 01:12:56,393 01:12:58,545 It's beautiful, very romantic. It's beautiful, very romantic.
1583 01:12:58,645 01:13:03,592 The next morning, the sun is coming through the window The next morning, the sun is coming through the window
1584 01:13:03,692 01:13:06,761 and she is awoken by the sunlight and she is awoken by the sunlight
1585 01:13:06,861 01:13:09,723 and sort of sits up and looks across and sort of sits up and looks across
1586 01:13:09,823 01:13:12,600 and discovers the hunchback and discovers the hunchback
1587 01:13:12,700 01:13:14,952 and what she's spent the evening with... and what she's spent the evening with...
1588 01:13:16,329 01:13:18,648 ..and... ..and...
1589 01:13:18,748 01:13:20,358 She vomits everywhere. Everywhere. She vomits everywhere. Everywhere.
1590 01:13:20,458 01:13:22,276 All over the doona, the pillow, everywhere. All over the doona, the pillow, everywhere.
1591 01:13:22,376 01:13:23,945 She's vomited everywhere. She's vomited everywhere.
1592 01:13:24,045 01:13:26,822 He, of course, wakes up to the sound of this woman vomiting, He, of course, wakes up to the sound of this woman vomiting,
1593 01:13:26,922 01:13:29,158 turns over and goes, "Oh... turns over and goes, "Oh...
1594 01:13:29,258 01:13:30,910 "Are you alright?" "Are you alright?"
1595 01:13:31,010 01:13:32,870 And she says, "Oh..." She's very polite. And she says, "Oh..." She's very polite.
1596 01:13:32,970 01:13:35,039 "Oh, yes. I'm so sorry. "Oh, yes. I'm so sorry.
1597 01:13:35,139 01:13:37,875 "I had a lot to drink. The...the altitude... "I had a lot to drink. The...the altitude...
1598 01:13:37,975 01:13:40,002 "I've just...I've just thrown up everywhere. "I've just...I've just thrown up everywhere.
1599 01:13:40,102 01:13:42,421 "I'm so sorry. Just thrown up everywhere." "I'm so sorry. Just thrown up everywhere."
1600 01:13:42,521 01:13:45,590 And he says, "Oh, that's OK. Thank God. And he says, "Oh, that's OK. Thank God.
1601 01:13:45,690 01:13:47,843 "For a second I thought my back had burst." "For a second I thought my back had burst."
1602 01:14:25,395 01:14:30,317 ♪ I've seen blood on your horizon ♪ I've seen blood on your horizon
1603 01:14:31,568 01:14:36,181 ♪ I see hope in your eyes... ♪ ♪ I see hope in your eyes... ♪
1604 01:14:36,281 01:14:38,183 This guy's waiting at a bar This guy's waiting at a bar
1605 01:14:38,283 01:14:40,059 and he's supposed to be meeting a girl and he's supposed to be meeting a girl
1606 01:14:40,159 01:14:42,353 and he's been waiting for about an hour - a bit of a no-show. and he's been waiting for about an hour - a bit of a no-show.
1607 01:14:42,453 01:14:44,105 And he's kind of used to this happening And he's kind of used to this happening
1608 01:14:44,205 01:14:45,773 and he kind of thought, "Oh, it's happened again." and he kind of thought, "Oh, it's happened again."
1609 01:14:45,873 01:14:47,650 And down the end of the bar, there's another lady waiting And down the end of the bar, there's another lady waiting
1610 01:14:47,750 01:14:49,610 and he's noticed she's been there for about the same time. and he's noticed she's been there for about the same time.
1611 01:14:49,710 01:14:51,404 In the end, he's said, "Can I buy the lady there a drink? In the end, he's said, "Can I buy the lady there a drink?
1612 01:14:51,504 01:14:53,114 "I don't want to chat her up or anything. "I don't want to chat her up or anything.
1613 01:14:53,214 01:14:54,573 "It's just if she's going through what I am, "It's just if she's going through what I am,
1614 01:14:54,673 01:14:56,283 "I know what it feels like," and just say, "I know what it feels like," and just say,
1615 01:14:56,383 01:14:58,285 "'From a man at the other end of the bar. Nothing in it.'" "'From a man at the other end of the bar. Nothing in it.'"
1616 01:14:58,385 01:15:00,162 So, he buys her a drink and the barman explains to her, So, he buys her a drink and the barman explains to her,
1617 01:15:00,262 01:15:01,872 "It's from the guy at the end of the bar." "It's from the guy at the end of the bar."
1618 01:15:01,972 01:15:03,624 And he doesn't go to her. Another hour goes past. And he doesn't go to her. Another hour goes past.
1619 01:15:03,724 01:15:05,626 And she thinks, "God, he meant that." And she thinks, "God, he meant that."
1620 01:15:05,726 01:15:07,085 Anyway, and they get chatting Anyway, and they get chatting
1621 01:15:07,185 01:15:08,795 and she kind of thinks, "This is a nice guy." and she kind of thinks, "This is a nice guy."
1622 01:15:08,895 01:15:10,547 So, she ends up drinking too much So, she ends up drinking too much
1623 01:15:10,647 01:15:12,132 and she says, "Gosh, I was supposed to drive home. and she says, "Gosh, I was supposed to drive home.
1624 01:15:12,232 01:15:13,633 "I was only gonna have a couple." "I was only gonna have a couple."
1625 01:15:13,733 01:15:15,468 And he says, "If you want, I live just round the corner." And he says, "If you want, I live just round the corner."
1626 01:15:15,568 01:15:17,053 "You're more than welcome to stay the night." "You're more than welcome to stay the night."
1627 01:15:17,153 01:15:18,596 So, he says, "Look, I'm gonna be gone So, he says, "Look, I'm gonna be gone
1628 01:15:18,696 01:15:20,056 "pretty early in the morning. "pretty early in the morning.
1629 01:15:20,156 01:15:22,475 "You can stay in my room. I'm gonna sleep on the couch." "You can stay in my room. I'm gonna sleep on the couch."
1630 01:15:22,575 01:15:24,143 And she thinks, "This is a bit of a con." And she thinks, "This is a bit of a con."
1631 01:15:24,243 01:15:25,937 But sure enough, he's putting a doona on the couch But sure enough, he's putting a doona on the couch
1632 01:15:26,037 01:15:27,939 and, so, he leads her into the room, opens the room, and, so, he leads her into the room, opens the room,
1633 01:15:28,039 01:15:29,440 and it's this beautiful room, and it's this beautiful room,
1634 01:15:29,540 01:15:31,067 everything's neat as you could ever imagine. everything's neat as you could ever imagine.
1635 01:15:31,167 01:15:32,818 He goes back and just gets on the couch He goes back and just gets on the couch
1636 01:15:32,918 01:15:34,278 and puts the doona over. and puts the doona over.
1637 01:15:34,378 01:15:36,197 And she's sitting there, thinking, "Is this a con?" And she's sitting there, thinking, "Is this a con?"
1638 01:15:36,297 01:15:38,491 Nup. Time goes by, she looks in the room Nup. Time goes by, she looks in the room
1639 01:15:38,591 01:15:40,993 and not only is it perfect, but he's got all these shelves and not only is it perfect, but he's got all these shelves
1640 01:15:41,093 01:15:43,120 and he's got, like, teddy bears and they're arranged. and he's got, like, teddy bears and they're arranged.
1641 01:15:43,220 01:15:44,997 Everything is so neat. They're arranged. Everything is so neat. They're arranged.
1642 01:15:45,097 01:15:46,623 Like, the biggest teddies on the top Like, the biggest teddies on the top
1643 01:15:46,723 01:15:48,083 and medium-sized one on the middle and medium-sized one on the middle
1644 01:15:48,183 01:15:49,668 and little ones down the bottom. and little ones down the bottom.
1645 01:15:49,768 01:15:51,712 And she's like, "Oh, my God, this is the nicest guy..." And she's like, "Oh, my God, this is the nicest guy..."
1646 01:15:51,812 01:15:53,505 She said, "I'm just gonna go and ask him She said, "I'm just gonna go and ask him
1647 01:15:53,605 01:15:55,173 "if he'd like to stay in the room with me." "if he'd like to stay in the room with me."
1648 01:15:55,273 01:15:56,800 So, "If you would like to have sex, So, "If you would like to have sex,
1649 01:15:56,900 01:15:58,802 "I think you're the right sort of person I should do it with." "I think you're the right sort of person I should do it with."
1650 01:15:58,902 01:16:00,679 Well, to her surprise, it goes for an hour and a half. Well, to her surprise, it goes for an hour and a half.
1651 01:16:00,779 01:16:04,140 It is the best sex she has ever had in her life, It is the best sex she has ever had in her life,
1652 01:16:04,240 01:16:05,934 and she is exhausted. and she is exhausted.
1653 01:16:06,034 01:16:07,518 At the end, she's collapsed. At the end, she's collapsed.
1654 01:16:07,618 01:16:09,187 She's sweated all she can sweat. She's sweated all she can sweat.
1655 01:16:09,287 01:16:10,813 There's no more swear words. There's no more swear words.
1656 01:16:10,913 01:16:12,607 She cannot lay her tongue to another swear word. She cannot lay her tongue to another swear word.
1657 01:16:12,707 01:16:14,192 It's been so amazing. It's been so amazing.
1658 01:16:14,292 01:16:16,944 And she goes, "Oh! That was amazing!" And she goes, "Oh! That was amazing!"
1659 01:16:17,044 01:16:18,487 "How good was that?!" "How good was that?!"
1660 01:16:18,587 01:16:21,740 And he said, "Yeah, yeah, it was pretty good. And he said, "Yeah, yeah, it was pretty good.
1661 01:16:21,840 01:16:23,576 "Anything from the bottom shelf." "Anything from the bottom shelf."
1662 01:16:29,097 01:16:31,792 A bit of a carny joke there. Sorry, folks. A bit of a carny joke there. Sorry, folks.
1663 01:16:31,892 01:16:34,169 - ♪ Funny - ♪ Funny - ♪ Funny - ♪ Funny
1664 01:16:34,269 01:16:36,046 ♪ Ooh-hoo ♪ Ooh-hoo
1665 01:16:36,146 01:16:38,799 ♪ Is another man's pain? ♪ Is another man's pain?
1666 01:16:38,899 01:16:41,651 ♪ Oh, another man's pain ♪ Oh, another man's pain
1667 01:16:50,118 01:16:53,187 One of the richest guys in Australia. He's met everybody. One of the richest guys in Australia. He's met everybody.
1668 01:16:53,287 01:16:54,939 He's been invited to everything! He's been invited to everything!
1669 01:16:55,039 01:16:56,858 But he hasn't met the Pope. But he hasn't met the Pope.
1670 01:16:56,958 01:17:00,027 So, first-class, over to the Vatican he goes. So, first-class, over to the Vatican he goes.
1671 01:17:00,127 01:17:02,238 And he, uh, decks himself out. And he, uh, decks himself out.
1672 01:17:02,338 01:17:04,490 He's got the best suit, the best haircut, He's got the best suit, the best haircut,
1673 01:17:04,590 01:17:06,825 the best shoes, the works - he's gonna meet the Pope. the best shoes, the works - he's gonna meet the Pope.
1674 01:17:06,925 01:17:09,912 And he gets to the front of the line outside of the Vatican, And he gets to the front of the line outside of the Vatican,
1675 01:17:10,012 01:17:12,039 where everyone waits for the Pope to come out. where everyone waits for the Pope to come out.
1676 01:17:12,139 01:17:16,001 And there's a guy next to him - he's homeless, filthy, stank! And there's a guy next to him - he's homeless, filthy, stank!
1677 01:17:16,101 01:17:19,504 And the Popemobile comes out into the, um... And the Popemobile comes out into the, um...
1678 01:17:19,604 01:17:21,006 ..Pope area... ..Pope area...
1679 01:17:25,110 01:17:27,929 - The Potpourri. - The Potpourri. - The Potpourri. - The Potpourri.
1680 01:17:28,029 01:17:31,141 And he gets out of the Popemobile and he heads over, And he gets out of the Popemobile and he heads over,
1681 01:17:31,241 01:17:34,227 but he goes to the filthy homeless man. but he goes to the filthy homeless man.
1682 01:17:34,327 01:17:37,830 And he whispers to him, and the homeless man says... And he whispers to him, and the homeless man says...
1683 01:17:39,540 01:17:41,317 And he pisses off, the Pope. And he pisses off, the Pope.
1684 01:17:43,127 01:17:44,737 And the next morning, tries again And the next morning, tries again
1685 01:17:44,837 01:17:46,405 but this time, he finds the homeless guy but this time, he finds the homeless guy
1686 01:17:46,505 01:17:48,157 and he gives him 50 bucks and he gives him 50 bucks
1687 01:17:48,257 01:17:52,703 and he says, "Give me all your clothes and...piss off." and he says, "Give me all your clothes and...piss off."
1688 01:17:52,803 01:17:55,748 And, so, he wears the homeless guy's clothes And, so, he wears the homeless guy's clothes
1689 01:17:55,848 01:17:58,500 and...puts dirt all over himself and...puts dirt all over himself
1690 01:17:58,600 01:18:00,335 and the Popemobile comes out and the Popemobile comes out
1691 01:18:00,435 01:18:02,295 and, sure enough, the Pope gets out of the Popemobile and, sure enough, the Pope gets out of the Popemobile
1692 01:18:02,395 01:18:03,964 and he comes over to this guy and he comes over to this guy
1693 01:18:04,064 01:18:05,799 who's dressed up as a homeless man who's dressed up as a homeless man
1694 01:18:05,899 01:18:07,717 and he grabs him by the... and he grabs him by the...
1695 01:18:07,817 01:18:09,552 ..just touches him on the back of the head so beautifully ..just touches him on the back of the head so beautifully
1696 01:18:09,652 01:18:11,137 and he says, and he says,
1697 01:18:11,237 01:18:12,847 "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday." "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday."
1698 01:18:32,299 01:18:34,201 ♪ Well, the man... ♪ ♪ Well, the man... ♪
1699 01:18:34,301 01:18:35,703 This bloke runs a business. This bloke runs a business.
1700 01:18:35,803 01:18:37,454 Been running it 20 years. Goes alright. Been running it 20 years. Goes alright.
1701 01:18:37,554 01:18:40,374 And one day, he's standing behind the counter And one day, he's standing behind the counter
1702 01:18:40,474 01:18:42,376 and he hears this voice from the heavens. and he hears this voice from the heavens.
1703 01:18:42,476 01:18:45,395 "Sell the business for $3 million." "Sell the business for $3 million."
1704 01:18:46,771 01:18:48,298 "What?" "What?"
1705 01:18:48,398 01:18:50,258 "Sell the business for $3 million." "Sell the business for $3 million."
1706 01:18:50,358 01:18:51,843 Don't know where the voice is coming from. Don't know where the voice is coming from.
1707 01:18:51,943 01:18:53,511 Thinks he's half-pissed. Doesn't listen. Thinks he's half-pissed. Doesn't listen.
1708 01:18:53,611 01:18:55,305 Next day, he's back at work. The voice is back. Next day, he's back at work. The voice is back.
1709 01:18:55,405 01:18:58,099 "Sell the business for $3 million." "Sell the business for $3 million."
1710 01:18:58,199 01:18:59,976 He said, "Who the bloody hell is...?" He said, "Who the bloody hell is...?"
1711 01:19:00,076 01:19:03,479 "Don't worry who it is. Sell the business for $3 million." "Don't worry who it is. Sell the business for $3 million."
1712 01:19:03,579 01:19:05,273 So, he ignores it again. So, he ignores it again.
1713 01:19:05,373 01:19:07,400 Three weeks have gone by, every day, the bloody voice is back. Three weeks have gone by, every day, the bloody voice is back.
1714 01:19:07,500 01:19:09,235 "Sell the business for $3 million." "Sell the business for $3 million."
1715 01:19:09,335 01:19:11,028 So, on the third week, he goes, "Alright, bugger it. So, on the third week, he goes, "Alright, bugger it.
1716 01:19:11,128 01:19:12,822 "I'll sell it." Rings up the real estate agent. "I'll sell it." Rings up the real estate agent.
1717 01:19:12,922 01:19:14,448 "I want to sell my business." "No worries. "I want to sell my business." "No worries.
1718 01:19:14,548 01:19:16,200 "How much you want?" "$3 million." "Beautiful." "How much you want?" "$3 million." "Beautiful."
1719 01:19:16,300 01:19:17,868 They got him the cash. And he said, "What now?" They got him the cash. And he said, "What now?"
1720 01:19:17,968 01:19:19,495 The voice said, "Go to the casino." The voice said, "Go to the casino."
1721 01:19:19,595 01:19:21,455 "Go to the casino? I'm not a gambling man." "Go to the casino? I'm not a gambling man."
1722 01:19:21,555 01:19:24,041 He said, "Go to the casino and take the $3 million." He said, "Go to the casino and take the $3 million."
1723 01:19:24,141 01:19:27,169 So, he goes to the casino with the $3 million So, he goes to the casino with the $3 million
1724 01:19:27,269 01:19:29,087 and he lobs there, and the voice says, and he lobs there, and the voice says,
1725 01:19:29,187 01:19:31,882 "Now, go to the roulette wheel in the corner. "Now, go to the roulette wheel in the corner.
1726 01:19:31,982 01:19:34,134 "The one over there." He's gone over there. "The one over there." He's gone over there.
1727 01:19:34,234 01:19:36,052 He said, "Take the $3 million to the cash desk." He said, "Take the $3 million to the cash desk."
1728 01:19:36,152 01:19:38,513 Listening to this voice, walking around the joint. Listening to this voice, walking around the joint.
1729 01:19:38,613 01:19:41,182 "What now?" "Go to the cash desk with the $3 million." "What now?" "Go to the cash desk with the $3 million."
1730 01:19:41,282 01:19:42,892 He's gone with the $3 million to the cash desk. He's gone with the $3 million to the cash desk.
1731 01:19:42,992 01:19:44,602 They've given it to him in chips. They've given it to him in chips.
1732 01:19:44,702 01:19:46,604 He's gone back over to the roulette wheel. "What now?" He's gone back over to the roulette wheel. "What now?"
1733 01:19:46,704 01:19:48,689 The voice said, "Trust me. The voice said, "Trust me.
1734 01:19:48,789 01:19:51,943 "Put it on 22 black. Everything. $3 million. "Put it on 22 black. Everything. $3 million.
1735 01:19:52,043 01:19:53,819 "On 22 black." "On 22 black."
1736 01:19:53,919 01:19:55,988 He said, "Alright, I've come this far. Bugger it." He said, "Alright, I've come this far. Bugger it."
1737 01:19:56,088 01:19:57,990 And he's whacked it all on 22 black. And he's whacked it all on 22 black.
1738 01:19:58,090 01:19:59,575 Bloke's spun the wheel. Bloke's spun the wheel.
1739 01:19:59,675 01:20:01,118 1 red. 1 red.
1740 01:20:01,218 01:20:02,745 And the voice said... And the voice said...
1741 01:20:02,845 01:20:04,413 "Shit!" "Shit!"
1742 01:20:36,335 01:20:38,320 ♪ Look for ♪ Look for
1743 01:20:38,420 01:20:41,490 ♪ The silver lining ♪ The silver lining
1744 01:20:41,590 01:20:44,451 ♪ Whenever a cloud ♪ Whenever a cloud
1745 01:20:44,551 01:20:48,247 ♪ Appears in the blue ♪ Appears in the blue
1746 01:20:48,347 01:20:51,625 ♪ Just remember, somewhere ♪ Just remember, somewhere
1747 01:20:51,725 01:20:55,462 ♪ The sun is shining ♪ The sun is shining
1748 01:20:55,562 01:20:58,840 ♪ And so the right thing ♪ And so the right thing
1749 01:20:58,940 01:21:00,508 ♪ To do ♪ To do
1750 01:21:00,608 01:21:03,970 ♪ Is make it shine for you ♪ Is make it shine for you
1751 01:21:04,070 01:21:05,597 ♪ A heart full ♪ A heart full
1752 01:21:05,697 01:21:09,309 ♪ Of joy and gladness ♪ Of joy and gladness
1753 01:21:09,409 01:21:12,270 ♪ Will always banish ♪ Will always banish
1754 01:21:12,370 01:21:16,440 ♪ Sadness and strife ♪ Sadness and strife
1755 01:21:16,540 01:21:20,194 ♪ So, always look for ♪ So, always look for
1756 01:21:20,294 01:21:23,614 ♪ The silver lining ♪ The silver lining
1757 01:21:23,714 01:21:26,408 ♪ And try to find ♪ And try to find
1758 01:21:26,508 01:21:29,953 ♪ The sunny side of life... ♪ ♪ The sunny side of life... ♪
1759 01:21:30,053 01:21:31,413 The Queen, uh... The Queen, uh...
1760 01:21:31,513 01:21:33,415 Remember the guy who breaks into the Queen's bedroom? Remember the guy who breaks into the Queen's bedroom?
1761 01:21:33,515 01:21:36,168 Years ago, this guy broke in through the Queen's window. Years ago, this guy broke in through the Queen's window.
1762 01:21:36,268 01:21:38,003 He's sitting at the end of her bed He's sitting at the end of her bed
1763 01:21:38,103 01:21:40,172 and he says to the Queen, uh, and he says to the Queen, uh,
1764 01:21:40,272 01:21:42,090 "Go on, show me your tits." "Go on, show me your tits."
1765 01:21:42,190 01:21:44,134 And the Queen goes, "No, I will not. And the Queen goes, "No, I will not.
1766 01:21:44,234 01:21:46,052 "I shouldn't even be doing this." "I shouldn't even be doing this."
1767 01:21:59,665 01:22:02,318 ♪ Oh, look for ♪ Oh, look for
1768 01:22:02,418 01:22:06,614 ♪ The silver lining ♪ The silver lining
1769 01:22:06,714 01:22:09,033 ♪ Whenever a cloud ♪ Whenever a cloud
1770 01:22:09,133 01:22:12,995 ♪ Appears in the blue ♪ Appears in the blue
1771 01:22:13,095 01:22:16,623 ♪ Just remember, somewhere ♪ Just remember, somewhere
1772 01:22:16,723 01:22:20,335 ♪ The sun is shining ♪ The sun is shining
1773 01:22:20,435 01:22:24,631 ♪ And so the right thing ♪ And so the right thing
1774 01:22:24,731 01:22:26,299 ♪ To do ♪ To do
1775 01:22:26,399 01:22:29,135 ♪ Is make it shine for you ♪ Is make it shine for you
1776 01:22:29,235 01:22:31,304 ♪ A heart full ♪ A heart full
1777 01:22:31,404 01:22:35,391 ♪ Of joy and gladness ♪ Of joy and gladness
1778 01:22:35,491 01:22:38,186 ♪ Will always banish ♪ Will always banish
1779 01:22:38,286 01:22:42,732 ♪ Sadness and strife ♪ Sadness and strife
1780 01:22:42,832 01:22:46,068 ♪ So, always look for ♪ So, always look for
1781 01:22:46,168 01:22:49,572 ♪ The silver lining ♪ The silver lining
1782 01:22:49,672 01:22:52,283 ♪ And try to find ♪ And try to find
1783 01:22:52,383 01:22:56,703 ♪ The sunny side of life ♪ The sunny side of life
1784 01:22:56,803 01:22:59,498 ♪ Oh, just try to find ♪ Oh, just try to find
1785 01:22:59,598 01:23:08,632 ♪ The sunny side of life. ♪ ♪ The sunny side of life. ♪
1786 01:23:40,762 01:23:42,848 ♪ Baby ♪ Baby
1787 01:23:43,515 01:23:45,292 ♪ I know ♪ I know
1788 01:23:45,392 01:23:47,669 ♪ I got nothing good ♪ I got nothing good
1789 01:23:47,769 01:23:50,255 ♪ To show ♪ To show
1790 01:23:50,355 01:23:52,799 ♪ I'm hoping you call ♪ I'm hoping you call
1791 01:23:52,899 01:23:54,426 ♪ My name ♪ My name
1792 01:23:54,526 01:23:58,112 ♪ I got what you want all the same ♪ I got what you want all the same
1793 01:24:17,047 01:24:21,994 ♪ 'Cause I've been searching for the answers ♪ 'Cause I've been searching for the answers
1794 01:24:22,094 01:24:26,748 ♪ And I've been looking all night long ♪ And I've been looking all night long
1795 01:24:26,848 01:24:31,253 ♪ Yeah, I've been searching for the answers ♪ Yeah, I've been searching for the answers
1796 01:24:31,353 01:24:35,440 ♪ But I'm right where I belong... ♪ ♪ But I'm right where I belong... ♪
1797 01:24:47,243 01:24:49,395 I was in a restaurant the other night with me missus, I was in a restaurant the other night with me missus,
1798 01:24:49,495 01:24:51,397 and she knocked her drink over. and she knocked her drink over.
1799 01:24:51,497 01:24:53,232 I called the waiter over and I said, I called the waiter over and I said,
1800 01:24:53,332 01:24:54,817 "My wife just knocked her drink over." "My wife just knocked her drink over."
1801 01:24:54,917 01:24:56,819 He said, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll get you another one." He said, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll get you another one."
1802 01:24:56,919 01:24:59,238 I said, "Beauty. Make sure the next one likes footy." I said, "Beauty. Make sure the next one likes footy."
1803 01:24:59,338 01:25:01,423 Oh, my... Oh, my...
1804 01:25:04,635 01:25:06,120 This morning, I accidentally swallowed This morning, I accidentally swallowed
1805 01:25:06,220 01:25:07,371 a bunch of Scrabble tiles. a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
1806 01:25:07,471 01:25:09,039 My next trip to the bathroom My next trip to the bathroom
1807 01:25:09,139 01:25:10,874 could spell disaster. could spell disaster.
1808 01:25:14,519 01:25:17,714 I had bad sunburn, so I started taking Viagra. I had bad sunburn, so I started taking Viagra.
1809 01:25:17,814 01:25:20,258 Didn't help, but it kept the sheets off me legs at night. Didn't help, but it kept the sheets off me legs at night.
1810 01:25:22,193 01:25:23,887 ♪ Down by the river ♪ Down by the river
1811 01:25:23,987 01:25:26,306 ♪ Today ♪ Today
1812 01:25:26,406 01:25:28,349 ♪ I saw my old friends ♪ I saw my old friends
1813 01:25:28,449 01:25:30,727 ♪ As they washed away ♪ As they washed away
1814 01:25:30,827 01:25:32,895 ♪ I listened to the wind ♪ I listened to the wind
1815 01:25:32,995 01:25:34,939 ♪ Carry your name ♪ Carry your name
1816 01:25:35,039 01:25:38,609 ♪ I got what you want all the same ♪ I got what you want all the same
1817 01:25:38,709 01:25:43,864 ♪ 'Cause I've been searching for the answers ♪ 'Cause I've been searching for the answers
1818 01:25:43,964 01:25:48,494 ♪ I've been looking all night long ♪ I've been looking all night long
1819 01:25:48,594 01:25:52,998 ♪ Yeah, I've been searching for the answers ♪ Yeah, I've been searching for the answers
1820 01:25:53,098 01:25:57,144 ♪ But I'm right where I belong ♪ But I'm right where I belong
1821 01:26:28,298 01:26:30,451 ♪ 'Cause I've been searching ♪ 'Cause I've been searching
1822 01:26:30,551 01:26:33,162 ♪ For the answers ♪ For the answers
1823 01:26:33,262 01:26:35,122 ♪ I've been looking ♪ I've been looking
1824 01:26:35,222 01:26:37,457 ♪ All night long ♪ All night long
1825 01:26:37,557 01:26:39,751 ♪ Yeah, I've been searching ♪ Yeah, I've been searching
1826 01:26:39,851 01:26:42,587 ♪ For the answers ♪ For the answers
1827 01:26:42,687 01:26:44,089 ♪ 'Cause I'm right ♪ 'Cause I'm right
1828 01:26:44,189 01:26:46,007 ♪ Where I belong ♪ Where I belong
1829 01:26:46,107 01:26:47,467 ♪ Oh-oh ♪ Oh-oh
1830 01:26:47,567 01:26:49,260 ♪ 'Cause I'm searching ♪ 'Cause I'm searching
1831 01:26:49,360 01:26:51,721 ♪ For the answers ♪ For the answers
1832 01:26:51,821 01:26:56,601 ♪ Yeah, I'm looking all night long ♪ Yeah, I'm looking all night long
1833 01:26:56,701 01:26:58,686 ♪ Yeah, I am searching ♪ Yeah, I am searching
1834 01:26:58,786 01:27:00,730 ♪ For the answers ♪ For the answers
1835 01:27:00,830 01:27:02,565 ♪ 'Cause I'm right ♪ 'Cause I'm right
1836 01:27:02,665 01:27:04,750 ♪ Where I belong. ♪ ♪ Where I belong. ♪