# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:06,006 00:00:08,926 [rock music playing] [rock music playing]
2 00:00:16,683 00:00:17,773 [bell chiming] [bell chiming]
3 00:00:17,851 00:00:21,981 [woman's voice] Security alert. There was motion in the living room… [woman's voice] Security alert. There was motion in the living room…
4 00:00:22,063 00:00:24,523 This fucking thing. Oh, my God! This fucking thing. Oh, my God!
5 00:00:24,607 00:00:26,687 -It is possessed! -[woman's voice] Security alert… -It is possessed! -[woman's voice] Security alert…
6 00:00:26,776 00:00:29,146 Okay, this thing keeps thinking we're intruders. Okay, this thing keeps thinking we're intruders.
7 00:00:29,237 00:00:32,117 It's like, we have to get a new system or something. It's like, we have to get a new system or something.
8 00:00:33,450 00:00:37,200 Just turn it off. We're here all day. We've never needed home security less. Just turn it off. We're here all day. We've never needed home security less.
9 00:00:37,287 00:00:39,747 I don't know if you've noticed, but there's record unemployment. I don't know if you've noticed, but there's record unemployment.
10 00:00:39,831 00:00:41,211 The economy is in collapse. The economy is in collapse.
11 00:00:41,291 00:00:43,381 People are probably gonna get desperate. People are probably gonna get desperate.
12 00:00:43,460 00:00:44,840 Oh, my God, babe. Oh, my God, babe.
13 00:00:44,919 00:00:47,009 You know how I'm part of a Facebook group You know how I'm part of a Facebook group
14 00:00:47,088 00:00:49,298 where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony? where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony?
15 00:00:49,382 00:00:52,842 Well, someone asked us to name a movie, but replace one word with ant. Well, someone asked us to name a movie, but replace one word with ant.
16 00:00:52,927 00:00:54,297 Somebody wrote "Ant-Ant." Somebody wrote "Ant-Ant."
17 00:00:56,890 00:00:58,600 What-- what are you talking about? What-- what are you talking about?
18 00:00:58,683 00:01:01,023 Ant-Man, but they replaced "man" with "ant." Ant-Man, but they replaced "man" with "ant."
19 00:01:01,102 00:01:04,152 So, it's just Ant-Ant, which I'm saying is funny. So, it's just Ant-Ant, which I'm saying is funny.
20 00:01:04,230 00:01:07,650 You know, the problem is this app. The update is a disaster. You know, the problem is this app. The update is a disaster.
21 00:01:07,734 00:01:11,494 [laughs] Listen to these: "'The Fault in our Ants,' 'Ant Club,' [laughs] Listen to these: "'The Fault in our Ants,' 'Ant Club,'
22 00:01:11,571 00:01:12,701 'Schindler's Ants,' 'Schindler's Ants,'
23 00:01:12,781 00:01:15,371 'Don't Be an Ant in South Central While Drinking Juice in the Ant.'" 'Don't Be an Ant in South Central While Drinking Juice in the Ant.'"
24 00:01:15,450 00:01:17,830 That's two ants, actually. I love the Internet. That's two ants, actually. I love the Internet.
25 00:01:17,911 00:01:21,331 I think this needs to register your face. Here, look into the camera. I think this needs to register your face. Here, look into the camera.
26 00:01:21,414 00:01:23,294 "Ant-Ant" is still my favorite. "Ant-Ant" is still my favorite.
27 00:01:23,374 00:01:27,304 -Shane. The camera. -Hmm? W-what about it? -Shane. The camera. -Hmm? W-what about it?
28 00:01:27,378 00:01:29,708 Look into the camera that I'm pointing at your face. Look into the camera that I'm pointing at your face.
29 00:01:31,257 00:01:32,337 Oh, my… Oh, my…
30 00:01:32,425 00:01:34,795 Okay, I can't do this right now. Okay, I can't do this right now.
31 00:01:34,886 00:01:37,966 Can you take over? Something with the settings. I don't know. Can you take over? Something with the settings. I don't know.
32 00:01:38,056 00:01:40,346 I'll do it later. [burping] I'll do it later. [burping]
33 00:01:45,688 00:01:46,518 [Shane burps] [Shane burps]
34 00:01:48,024 00:01:50,864 I thought we had talked about the burping. I thought we had talked about the burping.
35 00:01:50,944 00:01:51,824 Sorry. Sorry.
36 00:01:52,403 00:01:55,203 Strawberry citrus Frescas make it such a delight. Strawberry citrus Frescas make it such a delight.
37 00:01:56,241 00:01:57,491 It's pretty disgusting. It's pretty disgusting.
38 00:02:05,333 00:02:07,793 Hey, Ali. Sorry, I had some… [clears throat] Hey, Ali. Sorry, I had some… [clears throat]
39 00:02:07,877 00:02:10,087 technical stuff I was dealing with over here. technical stuff I was dealing with over here.
40 00:02:10,171 00:02:12,131 Oh, I like that hat. It looks great. Oh, I like that hat. It looks great.
41 00:02:12,215 00:02:16,795 [sighs] Thanks. I let my husband cut  my hair, and now we're getting a divorce. [sighs] Thanks. I let my husband cut  my hair, and now we're getting a divorce.
42 00:02:16,886 00:02:19,426 [laughs] I can't tell if you're joking. [laughs] I can't tell if you're joking.
43 00:02:21,724 00:02:23,524 You're not getting a divorce, are you? You're not getting a divorce, are you?
44 00:02:23,601 00:02:26,231 Did you wanna go over the slides before they join? Did you wanna go over the slides before they join?
45 00:02:26,312 00:02:31,692 Um, yeah. Yes, let's do that. Okay. Here we go. Slides… Um, yeah. Yes, let's do that. Okay. Here we go. Slides…
46 00:02:31,776 00:02:34,236 [Shane] Honey, where'd you hide the bottle opener? [Shane] Honey, where'd you hide the bottle opener?
47 00:02:35,113 00:02:37,873 Sorry, Ali. My… [chuckles] Sorry, Ali. My… [chuckles]
48 00:02:37,949 00:02:41,199 my boyfriend is incapable of finding the bottle opener when I'm on the phone. my boyfriend is incapable of finding the bottle opener when I'm on the phone.
49 00:02:41,286 00:02:42,656 Boyfriend wouldn't have to ask Boyfriend wouldn't have to ask
50 00:02:42,745 00:02:45,245 if you didn't rearrange the kitchen every 24 hours. if you didn't rearrange the kitchen every 24 hours.
51 00:02:45,331 00:02:48,461 I rearranged it because I needed to make it more chef friendly I rearranged it because I needed to make it more chef friendly
52 00:02:48,543 00:02:51,253 so that it's easier for me to cook for both of us so that it's easier for me to cook for both of us
53 00:02:51,337 00:02:53,757 because my boyfriend never cooks anything at all. because my boyfriend never cooks anything at all.
54 00:02:53,840 00:02:56,760 Your boyfriend actually tried, but you told your boyfriend Your boyfriend actually tried, but you told your boyfriend
55 00:02:56,843 00:03:00,053 that he made too much of a mess and that his food lacked umami. that he made too much of a mess and that his food lacked umami.
56 00:03:00,138 00:03:01,468 That's your excuse? That's your excuse?
57 00:03:01,556 00:03:04,056 [laughs] You know what, honey? I got it. [laughs] You know what, honey? I got it.
58 00:03:04,142 00:03:06,142 -[man] Don't… -[uncaps bottle] -[man] Don't… -[uncaps bottle]
59 00:03:08,521 00:03:10,771 Marco, we can reschedule if it's a bad time. Marco, we can reschedule if it's a bad time.
60 00:03:10,857 00:03:13,737 Uh, no. [chuckles] Uh, no. [chuckles]
61 00:03:13,818 00:03:16,198 Sorry. I have to deal with this for one second. Sorry. I have to deal with this for one second.
62 00:03:16,279 00:03:19,279 Let me just pause you, and I'll put this off. Let me just pause you, and I'll put this off.
63 00:03:19,365 00:03:20,945 I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore.
64 00:03:21,034 00:03:24,084 I am done watching you lounge around like a frat boy I am done watching you lounge around like a frat boy
65 00:03:24,162 00:03:26,542 while I take care of everything and support us. while I take care of everything and support us.
66 00:03:26,623 00:03:29,793 [Shane] My job involves touching people. I can't do that from six feet away. [Shane] My job involves touching people. I can't do that from six feet away.
67 00:03:29,876 00:03:31,786 You can do something other than getting drunk You can do something other than getting drunk
68 00:03:31,878 00:03:34,008 and staring at your phone pretending to be an ant and staring at your phone pretending to be an ant
69 00:03:34,088 00:03:35,918 with weird Internet people. with weird Internet people.
70 00:03:36,007 00:03:38,837 Can I?  Without violating one of your anal rules? Can I?  Without violating one of your anal rules?
71 00:03:38,927 00:03:40,757 "No working out in the house, Shane." "No working out in the house, Shane."
72 00:03:40,845 00:03:44,175 "You're hogging the Wi-Fi, Shane. I need quiet for my work, Shane." "You're hogging the Wi-Fi, Shane. I need quiet for my work, Shane."
73 00:03:44,265 00:03:47,635 Doing nothing is the thing that doesn't get me yelled at, or it was. Doing nothing is the thing that doesn't get me yelled at, or it was.
74 00:03:47,727 00:03:50,437 Don't try to act brand-new, like you don't love doing nothing. Don't try to act brand-new, like you don't love doing nothing.
75 00:03:50,521 00:03:52,821 You are peak you right now. You are peak you right now.
76 00:03:52,899 00:03:57,109 Well, excuse me for trying to find the joy in a fucked-up situation Well, excuse me for trying to find the joy in a fucked-up situation
77 00:03:57,195 00:03:59,605 because I'm a naturally joyous person. because I'm a naturally joyous person.
78 00:03:59,697 00:04:03,737 Also, we're supposed to be doing nothing. That's the whole lesson of this. Also, we're supposed to be doing nothing. That's the whole lesson of this.
79 00:04:03,826 00:04:08,286 Maybe if you stopped obsessing over useless security cameras for one second, Maybe if you stopped obsessing over useless security cameras for one second,
80 00:04:08,373 00:04:12,043 you would realize that nothing we do during this time matters. you would realize that nothing we do during this time matters.
81 00:04:12,126 00:04:15,626 You need to learn to stop optimizing and just be. You need to learn to stop optimizing and just be.
82 00:04:15,713 00:04:19,633 The only reason you're able to just be is because I'm providing you that space. The only reason you're able to just be is because I'm providing you that space.
83 00:04:19,717 00:04:21,887 What do you want me to do with all this space? What do you want me to do with all this space?
84 00:04:21,970 00:04:25,560 Start cleaning up after yourself. I feel like I live with a 16-year-old. Start cleaning up after yourself. I feel like I live with a 16-year-old.
85 00:04:25,640 00:04:27,520 I feel like I live with my mother. I feel like I live with my mother.
86 00:04:27,600 00:04:30,650 You know what? That cuts. Come on! You know what? That cuts. Come on!
87 00:04:31,271 00:04:34,231 Quarantine is teaching us that we're two different people. Quarantine is teaching us that we're two different people.
88 00:04:34,315 00:04:36,725 Aaron and David are getting closer than ever Aaron and David are getting closer than ever
89 00:04:36,818 00:04:40,068 because of quarantine. He said they're fucking like rabbits. because of quarantine. He said they're fucking like rabbits.
90 00:04:40,154 00:04:41,954 We haven't touched each other in weeks. We haven't touched each other in weeks.
91 00:04:42,031 00:04:44,371 [Shane] You're always busy and never in the mood. [Shane] You're always busy and never in the mood.
92 00:04:44,450 00:04:46,240 [Marco] It's hard to be in the mood [Marco] It's hard to be in the mood
93 00:04:46,327 00:04:49,207 when I've cleaned up cheese that fell out of your mouth when I've cleaned up cheese that fell out of your mouth
94 00:04:49,289 00:04:52,169 while you were looking for what you wanted in the fridge. while you were looking for what you wanted in the fridge.
95 00:04:52,250 00:04:55,460 Oh, no, I told you that's unnecessary. Finnegan licks that up. Oh, no, I told you that's unnecessary. Finnegan licks that up.
96 00:04:55,545 00:04:58,125 It's natural for things to get a little bit stale It's natural for things to get a little bit stale
97 00:04:58,214 00:04:59,634 -after four years. -[exhales] -after four years. -[exhales]
98 00:04:59,716 00:05:02,926 It could be that we've been trapped inside four walls for months. It could be that we've been trapped inside four walls for months.
99 00:05:03,011 00:05:06,511 I suddenly understand those pandas who refused to smash in captivity. I suddenly understand those pandas who refused to smash in captivity.
100 00:05:06,597 00:05:08,467 -Hmm. -Hey… -Hmm. -Hey…
101 00:05:09,851 00:05:12,651 what we need is to get out in the wild, you know? what we need is to get out in the wild, you know?
102 00:05:13,146 00:05:15,566 Give our mating life a little zhuzh. Give our mating life a little zhuzh.
103 00:05:15,648 00:05:17,478 Like, have sex in a forest? Like, have sex in a forest?
104 00:05:18,318 00:05:20,738 No, I mean, like, find a third. No, I mean, like, find a third.
105 00:05:20,820 00:05:24,370 Please tell me you didn't just pitch a threesome Please tell me you didn't just pitch a threesome
106 00:05:24,449 00:05:28,119 during this fight about our relationship, during a global pandemic. during this fight about our relationship, during a global pandemic.
107 00:05:28,202 00:05:31,912 Haven't done a thing like that in a while. Aaron and David do it constantly. Haven't done a thing like that in a while. Aaron and David do it constantly.
108 00:05:31,998 00:05:33,118 [Marco] I had an idea. [Marco] I had an idea.
109 00:05:33,207 00:05:35,497 -[Shane] What? -Why don't we just fuck a giant, like, -[Shane] What? -Why don't we just fuck a giant, like,
110 00:05:35,585 00:05:37,495 Coronavirus molecule instead? Coronavirus molecule instead?
111 00:05:37,587 00:05:40,667 You know, we can just Eiffel Tower it. One of us on each end. You know, we can just Eiffel Tower it. One of us on each end.
112 00:05:40,757 00:05:42,507 Is that zhuzh enough for you? Is that zhuzh enough for you?
113 00:05:42,592 00:05:45,432 Coronavirus isn't a molecule. It's a cell. Coronavirus isn't a molecule. It's a cell.
114 00:05:45,511 00:05:48,261 Anyway, forget it. I was just thinking out loud. Anyway, forget it. I was just thinking out loud.
115 00:05:48,348 00:05:50,518 Just thought I could provide a little zhuzh. Just thought I could provide a little zhuzh.
116 00:05:51,476 00:05:52,936 [Shane] Zhuzh my crack! [Shane] Zhuzh my crack!
117 00:05:58,358 00:05:59,478 [Marco taps keyboard] [Marco taps keyboard]
118 00:06:01,652 00:06:04,282 Hi, Ali. Sorry, I'm back. Hi, Ali. Sorry, I'm back.
119 00:06:04,364 00:06:09,704 Hey, so I just sent you a thing on how to mute your audio going forward. Hey, so I just sent you a thing on how to mute your audio going forward.
120 00:06:13,414 00:06:15,964 -[bell chiming] -[woman's voice] Security alert. -[bell chiming] -[woman's voice] Security alert.
121 00:06:16,042 00:06:17,292 [babbles] [babbles]
122 00:06:17,377 00:06:19,707 [woman's voice] The kitchen window is open. [woman's voice] The kitchen window is open.
123 00:06:19,796 00:06:22,626 You have to press the button on the sensor when you open the window. You have to press the button on the sensor when you open the window.
124 00:06:22,715 00:06:24,925 -What's the password? -It's our anniversary. -What's the password? -It's our anniversary.
125 00:06:25,009 00:06:26,549 Just put in our anniversary. Just put in our anniversary.
126 00:06:26,636 00:06:28,886 -Security alert. -[chiming continues] -Security alert. -[chiming continues]
127 00:06:28,971 00:06:31,681 -Oh, come on. -[woman's voice] Kitchen window is open. -Oh, come on. -[woman's voice] Kitchen window is open.
128 00:06:32,266 00:06:33,516 -Security alert. -[beeps] -Security alert. -[beeps]
129 00:06:34,644 00:06:37,064 [scoffs] What is this? What are you doing? [scoffs] What is this? What are you doing?
130 00:06:37,146 00:06:40,566 I was baking you an apology angel food strawberry shortcake. I was baking you an apology angel food strawberry shortcake.
131 00:06:40,650 00:06:43,280 If shirtless Chris Hancock could do it, so could I. If shirtless Chris Hancock could do it, so could I.
132 00:06:43,361 00:06:46,491 Turns out, angel food is impossible, and he's pretty talented. Turns out, angel food is impossible, and he's pretty talented.
133 00:06:46,572 00:06:50,082 Anyway, I know you only really like eating the icing, so… [chuckles] Anyway, I know you only really like eating the icing, so… [chuckles]
134 00:06:53,079 00:06:54,749 Instacart had a deal on funfetti. Instacart had a deal on funfetti.
135 00:06:56,541 00:06:59,421 [Marco sighs, mutters] [Marco sighs, mutters]
136 00:06:59,502 00:07:03,052 Also, I cleaned up as I went, which, oh, my God, so much easier. Also, I cleaned up as I went, which, oh, my God, so much easier.
137 00:07:03,631 00:07:04,671 Really good move. Really good move.
138 00:07:09,011 00:07:10,721 So, I've been thinking. So, I've been thinking.
139 00:07:10,805 00:07:12,215 I think maybe you're right. I think maybe you're right.
140 00:07:12,306 00:07:16,976 I think it could be a good time for us to fool around with somebody new. I think it could be a good time for us to fool around with somebody new.
141 00:07:17,061 00:07:18,351 Did you eat one of my edibles? Did you eat one of my edibles?
142 00:07:18,438 00:07:21,358 Just focus, Shane. Just fucking focus for five seconds. Just focus, Shane. Just fucking focus for five seconds.
143 00:07:21,441 00:07:22,901 Maybe it is the perfect time. Maybe it is the perfect time.
144 00:07:22,984 00:07:25,034 Nothing to do in quarantine matters. Nothing to do in quarantine matters.
145 00:07:25,111 00:07:27,701 You said that yourself. It's like the NFL preseason. You said that yourself. It's like the NFL preseason.
146 00:07:27,780 00:07:29,450 None of the games count, None of the games count,
147 00:07:29,532 00:07:31,782 so nobody gives a fuck what happens because… so nobody gives a fuck what happens because…
148 00:07:32,410 00:07:34,830 everyone's waiting for regular season to start. everyone's waiting for regular season to start.
149 00:07:34,912 00:07:37,292 Players are still getting injured in preseason, Players are still getting injured in preseason,
150 00:07:37,373 00:07:40,543 so there's actually a push to do away with it in the NFL. so there's actually a push to do away with it in the NFL.
151 00:07:40,626 00:07:42,916 -But I hear you. -We have to do something. -But I hear you. -We have to do something.
152 00:07:43,004 00:07:46,764 Right? And this threesome thing has obviously been on your mind. Right? And this threesome thing has obviously been on your mind.
153 00:07:46,841 00:07:49,301 What happened to Eiffel Tower and COVID? What happened to Eiffel Tower and COVID?
154 00:07:49,385 00:07:51,925 We're gonna have to be very selective with guys. We're gonna have to be very selective with guys.
155 00:07:52,013 00:07:55,313 I'm sure there are people who have been as careful as we have, I'm sure there are people who have been as careful as we have,
156 00:07:55,391 00:07:57,191 and we need to find them. and we need to find them.
157 00:07:57,268 00:07:59,848 If you're on board, we should talk about next steps. If you're on board, we should talk about next steps.
158 00:08:02,690 00:08:03,770 I'll download Grindr. I'll download Grindr.
159 00:08:06,194 00:08:07,864 -[Marco] Can't use that. -Why not? -[Marco] Can't use that. -Why not?
160 00:08:07,945 00:08:11,195 -[Marco] I look like I'm about to cry. -Some people are into that. -[Marco] I look like I'm about to cry. -Some people are into that.
161 00:08:11,282 00:08:13,832 [Marco] Nobody is into that. Use the one from Tara's wedding. [Marco] Nobody is into that. Use the one from Tara's wedding.
162 00:08:13,910 00:08:18,040 Yeah, that's good. Here, scroll down. Okay, body type. Toned? Yeah, that's good. Here, scroll down. Okay, body type. Toned?
163 00:08:18,122 00:08:21,332 -We're toned. Are we not toned? -I don't think-- I don't know. -We're toned. Are we not toned? -I don't think-- I don't know.
164 00:08:22,001 00:08:25,301 -What are the options? -"Average" sounds defeatist. -What are the options? -"Average" sounds defeatist.
165 00:08:25,379 00:08:28,509 -[Marco] Leave toned. It's fine. -[Shane] What about tribes? -[Marco] Leave toned. It's fine. -[Shane] What about tribes?
166 00:08:28,591 00:08:31,261 I put "clean-cut, discreet, jock, rugged." I put "clean-cut, discreet, jock, rugged."
167 00:08:31,344 00:08:33,514 Well, you can't be clean-cut and rugged. Well, you can't be clean-cut and rugged.
168 00:08:33,596 00:08:38,936 Put "geek, uh, discreet, clean-cut," and that's good. Put "geek, uh, discreet, clean-cut," and that's good.
169 00:08:39,018 00:08:39,938 Don't put jock, Don't put jock,
170 00:08:40,019 00:08:42,479 that makes us sound like we play sports, which we don't. that makes us sound like we play sports, which we don't.
171 00:08:42,563 00:08:46,613 -Who cares? We're not being audited. -Dishonest. You're misrepresenting us. -Who cares? We're not being audited. -Dishonest. You're misrepresenting us.
172 00:08:46,692 00:08:50,782 Oh, my God. You do it. I don't like being chastised while I scroll for trade. Oh, my God. You do it. I don't like being chastised while I scroll for trade.
173 00:08:50,863 00:08:53,373 [Marco types] "Couple looks for third for NSA fun." [Marco types] "Couple looks for third for NSA fun."
174 00:08:53,449 00:08:56,909 "Must be social distancing. Must have good hygiene." "Must be social distancing. Must have good hygiene."
175 00:08:56,994 00:08:59,294 "Must wear deodorant. No drugs." "Must wear deodorant. No drugs."
176 00:09:00,540 00:09:02,540 "Chest hair a plus." "Chest hair a plus."
177 00:09:03,709 00:09:04,789 Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, that's nice.
178 00:09:05,503 00:09:07,303 Relaxed and personable. Relaxed and personable.
179 00:09:07,380 00:09:10,090 Okay, let's get to know the gayborhood. Okay, let's get to know the gayborhood.
180 00:09:10,174 00:09:12,434 [Marco] My God, they're so many people online. [Marco] My God, they're so many people online.
181 00:09:12,510 00:09:15,560 -This is so irresponsible. -I get it. People are lonely. -This is so irresponsible. -I get it. People are lonely.
182 00:09:15,638 00:09:18,888 We're in isolation. Look, there's neighbor Jim from next door. We're in isolation. Look, there's neighbor Jim from next door.
183 00:09:18,975 00:09:21,135 Only 20 feet away. Could be very convenient. Only 20 feet away. Could be very convenient.
184 00:09:21,227 00:09:23,687 -[Marco] He's our neighbor. -Kidding. Lighten up. -[Marco] He's our neighbor. -Kidding. Lighten up.
185 00:09:23,771 00:09:25,571 [Marco] What's he gonna say when he sees us? [Marco] What's he gonna say when he sees us?
186 00:09:25,648 00:09:28,188 This is what I don't like about Grindr, it's so public. This is what I don't like about Grindr, it's so public.
187 00:09:28,276 00:09:30,856 I bet we know somebody that we could just text I bet we know somebody that we could just text
188 00:09:30,945 00:09:32,445 and have a threesome that way. and have a threesome that way.
189 00:09:32,530 00:09:35,620 And if they say no or worse, they say yes, and it goes poorly, And if they say no or worse, they say yes, and it goes poorly,
190 00:09:35,700 00:09:36,530 social suicide. social suicide.
191 00:09:36,617 00:09:40,957 [Marco] Yeah, but nobody on this is looking particularly responsible. [Marco] Yeah, but nobody on this is looking particularly responsible.
192 00:09:41,038 00:09:43,118 This person's name is Jizzie McGuire? This person's name is Jizzie McGuire?
193 00:09:43,207 00:09:46,127 We don't have to do this. We can forget this ever happened. We don't have to do this. We can forget this ever happened.
194 00:09:46,210 00:09:48,460 [Marco] It's fine. Just keep looking. [Marco] It's fine. Just keep looking.
195 00:09:48,546 00:09:51,876 [Shane gasps] Oh, my God. Oh! Oh, my God! [Shane gasps] Oh, my God. Oh! Oh, my God!
196 00:09:51,966 00:09:54,796 -Hot Back-Sweat Pattern guy. -[Marco] What? Who is that? -Hot Back-Sweat Pattern guy. -[Marco] What? Who is that?
197 00:09:54,885 00:09:57,095 Guy from the gym with hyper-masculine armpit Guy from the gym with hyper-masculine armpit
198 00:09:57,179 00:09:59,809 and back-sweat pattern we used to stare at endlessly. and back-sweat pattern we used to stare at endlessly.
199 00:09:59,890 00:10:03,520 [gasps] Oh, wow! [gasps] Oh, wow!
200 00:10:03,603 00:10:05,943 Yeah, he looks really good. Yeah, he looks really good.
201 00:10:06,939 00:10:08,939 Do we think he's responsible, though? Do we think he's responsible, though?
202 00:10:09,025 00:10:11,645 Don't you remember, he used to wipe down the machines Don't you remember, he used to wipe down the machines
203 00:10:11,736 00:10:14,856 before and after he used them in this crazy OCD way? before and after he used them in this crazy OCD way?
204 00:10:14,947 00:10:18,157 Yeah, but if you're sweating that much, you have to be wiping. Yeah, but if you're sweating that much, you have to be wiping.
205 00:10:18,242 00:10:19,582 I'm messaging him. I'm messaging him.
206 00:10:19,660 00:10:21,410 [types] [types]
207 00:10:21,495 00:10:22,325 Hey. Hey.
208 00:10:25,291 00:10:26,131 Well… Well…
209 00:10:27,877 00:10:29,087 -[dings] -[Marco gasps] -[dings] -[Marco gasps]
210 00:10:29,170 00:10:30,800 Oh-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho!
211 00:10:30,880 00:10:32,470 Okay, here I go. Here I go. Okay, here I go. Here I go.
212 00:10:32,548 00:10:34,048 [typing] "Looking good, man." [typing] "Looking good, man."
213 00:10:35,176 00:10:36,216 [Marco] "Thanks." [Marco] "Thanks."
214 00:10:36,302 00:10:38,892 [Shane typing] "Did you used to go to Equinox DTLA?" [Shane typing] "Did you used to go to Equinox DTLA?"
215 00:10:40,931 00:10:41,771 "Did you?" "Did you?"
216 00:10:41,849 00:10:44,689 -Okay. "Thought you looked familiar." -[Marco chuckles] -Okay. "Thought you looked familiar." -[Marco chuckles]
217 00:10:49,649 00:10:50,859 [Marco] "Towel guys"? [Marco] "Towel guys"?
218 00:10:51,692 00:10:53,532 We did go pretty hard on the towels. We did go pretty hard on the towels.
219 00:10:54,487 00:10:56,777 Yeah, well, that's what they're there for. Yeah, well, that's what they're there for.
220 00:10:56,864 00:10:59,704 "We like to stay clean." [giggles] "We like to stay clean." [giggles]
221 00:11:00,868 00:11:03,658 -[Marco] "Looking for?" -[Shane] "A third for fun. You?" -[Marco] "Looking for?" -[Shane] "A third for fun. You?"
222 00:11:05,706 00:11:09,666 Oh, my God! Are you allowed to ask that? That is so intense. Oh, my God! Are you allowed to ask that? That is so intense.
223 00:11:09,752 00:11:11,962 We want intense. Intense is good, right? We want intense. Intense is good, right?
224 00:11:12,046 00:11:16,046 Means that he's being safe. "No, but we've been very careful." Means that he's being safe. "No, but we've been very careful."
225 00:11:16,926 00:11:19,966 -[Marco] "Careful how?" -[Shane typing] "Masks, disinfecting, -[Marco] "Careful how?" -[Shane typing] "Masks, disinfecting,
226 00:11:20,054 00:11:23,184 six feet, etc. How about you?" six feet, etc. How about you?"
227 00:11:25,226 00:11:27,396 -[Marco] "Same. Into?" -What are we into? -[Marco] "Same. Into?" -What are we into?
228 00:11:27,478 00:11:29,058 Sex. I don't know. Sex. I don't know.
229 00:11:29,146 00:11:31,766 -Sex is vague. -Gay sex. -Sex is vague. -Gay sex.
230 00:11:31,857 00:11:34,237 -I'll just put "mild to wild." -Okay. -I'll just put "mild to wild." -Okay.
231 00:11:35,027 00:11:37,027 "Mild to wild. You?" "Mild to wild. You?"
232 00:11:38,781 00:11:40,781 [Shane types] "Same. When are you free?" [Shane types] "Same. When are you free?"
233 00:11:40,866 00:11:45,076 [Marco] I don't know. I need a day  to groom. Sunday. Say Sunday. [Marco] I don't know. I need a day  to groom. Sunday. Say Sunday.
234 00:11:45,162 00:11:46,462 [Shane types] "Sunday?" [Shane types] "Sunday?"
235 00:11:48,791 00:11:50,631 -[bell chimes] -[woman's voice] Security alert. -[bell chimes] -[woman's voice] Security alert.
236 00:11:50,710 00:11:52,460 Motion in the living room. Motion in the living room.
237 00:11:52,545 00:11:54,125 [Shane] I told you turn it off. [Shane] I told you turn it off.
238 00:11:54,213 00:11:56,553 If he murders us, I wanna get it on camera. If he murders us, I wanna get it on camera.
239 00:11:56,632 00:11:58,302 That's the whole point of these. That's the whole point of these.
240 00:11:58,384 00:12:01,394 -[Shane] If he murders us, we'll be dead. -[mutters] -[Shane] If he murders us, we'll be dead. -[mutters]
241 00:12:04,724 00:12:05,814 Okay. [grunts] Okay. [grunts]
242 00:12:06,767 00:12:08,887 [sighs] Oh, God. [sighs] Oh, God.
243 00:12:10,229 00:12:12,439 Is this, like, the worst idea in history? Is this, like, the worst idea in history?
244 00:12:13,190 00:12:16,530 Will you just breathe? These things  are about going with the flow, Will you just breathe? These things  are about going with the flow,
245 00:12:16,610 00:12:20,110 which is not your strong suit, so just follow my lead and try to relax. which is not your strong suit, so just follow my lead and try to relax.
246 00:12:20,197 00:12:21,907 I'm relaxed, Shane. I'm relaxed, Shane.
247 00:12:21,991 00:12:24,121 -[bell chimes] -[woman's voice] Front door. -[bell chimes] -[woman's voice] Front door.
248 00:12:25,703 00:12:26,583 [Marco] God. [Marco] God.
249 00:12:27,163 00:12:30,083 [Shane clears throat]  Hi, come on in. Shane. [Shane clears throat]  Hi, come on in. Shane.
250 00:12:30,708 00:12:34,168 -[man] Look, you can't be too careful. -[Shane chuckles] -[man] Look, you can't be too careful. -[Shane chuckles]
251 00:12:34,253 00:12:35,173 -[Shane] Hi. -Adam. -[Shane] Hi. -Adam.
252 00:12:35,254 00:12:37,844 Good to meet you. Thanks for making the trip. Marco. Good to meet you. Thanks for making the trip. Marco.
253 00:12:37,923 00:12:39,383 -Hey. Adam. -Nice to meet you. -Hey. Adam. -Nice to meet you.
254 00:12:39,467 00:12:40,967 -[Adam] Sweet -[Shane chuckles] -[Adam] Sweet -[Shane chuckles]
255 00:12:43,220 00:12:46,770 -[Adam] Oh. Towel guys. Cute. -[chuckles] That's us. -[Adam] Oh. Towel guys. Cute. -[chuckles] That's us.
256 00:12:46,849 00:12:48,809 [laughs] Can you believe… [laughs] Can you believe…
257 00:12:52,146 00:12:55,066 Do you want a drink? I made mint juleps. Do you want a drink? I made mint juleps.
258 00:12:55,149 00:12:57,989 [Adam] I don't drink. I don't like to poison my body. [Adam] I don't drink. I don't like to poison my body.
259 00:12:58,736 00:13:02,356 And you know, I'd prefer it if we just got right into it, if that's okay. And you know, I'd prefer it if we just got right into it, if that's okay.
260 00:13:02,448 00:13:03,408 -Fine by us. -Yeah. -Fine by us. -Yeah.
261 00:13:03,491 00:13:05,701 Hey, I'm sorry. What's that smell? Hey, I'm sorry. What's that smell?
262 00:13:07,787 00:13:09,617 Oh, it's this candle, I think. Oh, it's this candle, I think.
263 00:13:09,705 00:13:12,705 -Um, it's called The Moonlight Walk, -Oh. -Um, it's called The Moonlight Walk, -Oh.
264 00:13:12,792 00:13:15,542 which is less of a scent and more of a… which is less of a scent and more of a…
265 00:13:15,628 00:13:18,588 Yeah, I'm actually really sensitive to candles. Yeah, I'm actually really sensitive to candles.
266 00:13:18,672 00:13:20,382 -Okay. [blows] -Oh. -Okay. [blows] -Oh.
267 00:13:20,966 00:13:22,636 Maybe we could crack a window? Maybe we could crack a window?
268 00:13:23,219 00:13:27,219 -Crack a window, yes. Right on that. -[bell chimes] -Crack a window, yes. Right on that. -[bell chimes]
269 00:13:27,306 00:13:30,556 -[woman's voice] Security alert. -Shall we retire to the bedroom? -[woman's voice] Security alert. -Shall we retire to the bedroom?
270 00:13:31,352 00:13:35,232 I'd prefer to just keep it right here, if you guys don't mind. I'd prefer to just keep it right here, if you guys don't mind.
271 00:13:35,898 00:13:38,728 Here works fine. Hey. Here works fine. Hey.
272 00:13:38,818 00:13:39,778 Hey. Hey.
273 00:13:40,319 00:13:42,739 [moaning] [moaning]
274 00:13:47,827 00:13:49,537 [chuckling] [chuckling]
275 00:13:55,626 00:13:57,996 Come on in, babe. The water's fine. Come on in, babe. The water's fine.
276 00:14:09,223 00:14:10,643 [Marco] Hey. [Marco] Hey.
277 00:14:13,936 00:14:15,396 What? Is everything okay? What? Is everything okay?
278 00:14:15,479 00:14:18,569 Sorry. It's just I noticed you were biting your nails earlier. Sorry. It's just I noticed you were biting your nails earlier.
279 00:14:18,649 00:14:20,439 Was I? I'm sorry. Was I? I'm sorry.
280 00:14:20,526 00:14:22,436 I think I'm a little n-nervous. I think I'm a little n-nervous.
281 00:14:22,528 00:14:26,448 It's fine. I just have a thing against nail biting. I think it's disgusting. It's fine. I just have a thing against nail biting. I think it's disgusting.
282 00:14:26,532 00:14:28,452 It-- it is? It is. It-- it is? It is.
283 00:14:28,534 00:14:31,044 There's all kinds of dirt and bacteria under there. There's all kinds of dirt and bacteria under there.
284 00:14:31,120 00:14:34,670 -If we're gonna be kissing… -Yeah. No, no, I literally agree with you. -If we're gonna be kissing… -Yeah. No, no, I literally agree with you.
285 00:14:34,748 00:14:38,958 -Um, I agree with you. -It's cool. Maybe you should go rinse. -Um, I agree with you. -It's cool. Maybe you should go rinse.
286 00:14:39,044 00:14:41,924 -Your mouth. -Oh, yeah. -Your mouth. -Oh, yeah.
287 00:14:42,006 00:14:43,626 Yes. Now? Yes. Now?
288 00:14:43,716 00:14:46,296 -Yeah. -Okay. Sorry. -Yeah. -Okay. Sorry.
289 00:14:47,094 00:14:49,764 [chuckles] I'll go rinse. [chuckles] I'll go rinse.
290 00:14:50,389 00:14:53,559 Also, I don't know. I can still smell that weird candle. Also, I don't know. I can still smell that weird candle.
291 00:14:53,642 00:14:57,442 Is there any way we can open another  window? Maybe create a cross draft? Is there any way we can open another  window? Maybe create a cross draft?
292 00:15:00,900 00:15:03,070 I can make a cross draft, yeah. I can make a cross draft, yeah.
293 00:15:03,152 00:15:03,992 [Adam] Okay. [Adam] Okay.
294 00:15:06,322 00:15:07,202 [Shane] Great. [Shane] Great.
295 00:15:18,334 00:15:20,844 -[clattering] -What was that? -[clattering] -What was that?
296 00:15:21,921 00:15:23,801 -That was a cross draft. -Oh. -That was a cross draft. -Oh.
297 00:15:23,881 00:15:25,301 He's creating a cross draft. He's creating a cross draft.
298 00:15:27,343 00:15:28,183 [ringing] [ringing]
299 00:15:32,097 00:15:33,307 [chimes] [chimes]
300 00:15:33,390 00:15:36,390 -What are you doing? -I'm rinsing out the dirt and bacteria -What are you doing? -I'm rinsing out the dirt and bacteria
301 00:15:36,477 00:15:38,897 -from my mouth. -Hurry up. It's getting awkward out here. -from my mouth. -Hurry up. It's getting awkward out here.
302 00:15:38,979 00:15:41,019 Is it? It didn't look awkward at all. Is it? It didn't look awkward at all.
303 00:15:41,106 00:15:43,686 It looked like you were really enjoying it. It looked like you were really enjoying it.
304 00:15:43,776 00:15:44,896 That was the point. That was the point.
305 00:15:44,985 00:15:46,735 Weren't you pushing for this thing? Weren't you pushing for this thing?
306 00:15:46,820 00:15:49,820 I thought it was what you wanted. Obviously I was right. I thought it was what you wanted. Obviously I was right.
307 00:15:49,907 00:15:52,867 You're very into that guy, which I don't understand at all. You're very into that guy, which I don't understand at all.
308 00:15:52,952 00:15:54,752 He's so anal about everything. He's so anal about everything.
309 00:15:55,537 00:15:59,457 Believe it or not, I'm kind of used to that. Believe it or not, I'm kind of used to that.
310 00:16:01,043 00:16:02,383 I'm not like that. I'm not like that.
311 00:16:03,337 00:16:04,957 You're not? You're not?
312 00:16:07,257 00:16:08,177 [exhales] [exhales]
313 00:16:09,927 00:16:11,677 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
314 00:16:12,429 00:16:14,179 Am I like that? Am I like that?
315 00:16:15,307 00:16:19,017 -Is that what I'm like? -He is much, much, much, much worse, -Is that what I'm like? -He is much, much, much, much worse,
316 00:16:19,103 00:16:21,023 but sometimes a little bit. Yes. but sometimes a little bit. Yes.
317 00:16:21,105 00:16:23,475 God. No wonder you wanna mate with other pandas. God. No wonder you wanna mate with other pandas.
318 00:16:23,565 00:16:27,185 I don't wanna mate with other pandas. The only reason I brought this up I don't wanna mate with other pandas. The only reason I brought this up
319 00:16:27,277 00:16:30,157 is because you're always telling me how disgusting you think I am. is because you're always telling me how disgusting you think I am.
320 00:16:30,239 00:16:31,949 I figured you wanted someone else. I figured you wanted someone else.
321 00:16:32,032 00:16:33,532 I don't think you're disgusting. I don't think you're disgusting.
322 00:16:33,617 00:16:36,617 Some of your behaviors are disgusting, not you as a person. Some of your behaviors are disgusting, not you as a person.
323 00:16:36,704 00:16:37,914 Thank you. Thank you.
324 00:16:37,997 00:16:41,127 The way you've been talking to me lately makes me feel like… The way you've been talking to me lately makes me feel like…
325 00:16:41,709 00:16:43,589 -you're gonna leave me. -Leave you? -you're gonna leave me. -Leave you?
326 00:16:43,669 00:16:46,459 You think I'm gonna leave you?  I don't wanna leave you. You think I'm gonna leave you?  I don't wanna leave you.
327 00:16:46,547 00:16:48,917 I want us to work. Why would I wanna leave you? I want us to work. Why would I wanna leave you?
328 00:16:49,008 00:16:52,088 Because you're smart and capable and impressive, Because you're smart and capable and impressive,
329 00:16:52,636 00:16:55,426 and I don't really bring anything to the table. and I don't really bring anything to the table.
330 00:16:56,223 00:17:00,563 And I feel like everything I do only pisses you off. And I feel like everything I do only pisses you off.
331 00:17:01,353 00:17:04,193 I-- I-- I just feel like… I-- I-- I just feel like…
332 00:17:07,401 00:17:09,951 sometimes I feel like you don't like me anymore. sometimes I feel like you don't like me anymore.
333 00:17:11,655 00:17:12,525 Shane. Shane.
334 00:17:12,614 00:17:16,584 You think I don't realize that you deserve to be with someone more compatible? You think I don't realize that you deserve to be with someone more compatible?
335 00:17:16,660 00:17:19,750 -Someone like him. -You kidding? That would be a nightmare. -Someone like him. -You kidding? That would be a nightmare.
336 00:17:19,830 00:17:23,790 The house would be spotless, but we'd anal each other to death. The house would be spotless, but we'd anal each other to death.
337 00:17:25,127 00:17:28,207 No, baby, you keep things light and fun, and… No, baby, you keep things light and fun, and…
338 00:17:28,881 00:17:31,221 you remind me to not take things so seriously you remind me to not take things so seriously
339 00:17:31,300 00:17:33,510 and to be a person, and you make me laugh. and to be a person, and you make me laugh.
340 00:17:34,636 00:17:36,636 Of course, I like you. I love you. Of course, I like you. I love you.
341 00:17:39,016 00:17:39,846 Really? Really?
342 00:17:40,809 00:17:42,939 Yeah, you're my queen ant. Yeah, you're my queen ant.
343 00:17:43,854 00:17:46,404 Don't you mean you're the queen and I'm your worker ant? Don't you mean you're the queen and I'm your worker ant?
344 00:17:46,482 00:17:47,652 [laughs] [laughs]
345 00:17:47,733 00:17:51,323 I was thinking I'm the worker, because I do so much more of the work. I was thinking I'm the worker, because I do so much more of the work.
346 00:17:51,403 00:17:53,113 But the queen is in charge. But the queen is in charge.
347 00:17:53,197 00:17:54,527 -True. -You know what? -True. -You know what?
348 00:17:54,615 00:17:56,445 This ant analogy doesn't work. This ant analogy doesn't work.
349 00:17:56,533 00:17:58,543 [laughs] [laughs]
350 00:18:00,079 00:18:02,789 What are we gonna do about that murder hornet? What are we gonna do about that murder hornet?
351 00:18:03,749 00:18:06,919 [alarm blaring] [alarm blaring]
352 00:18:07,628 00:18:09,248 -What the fuck? -[Shane] What happened? -What the fuck? -[Shane] What happened?
353 00:18:09,338 00:18:11,758 -I don't know. It just went off. -Did you touch anything? -I don't know. It just went off. -Did you touch anything?
354 00:18:11,840 00:18:13,050 No, I was just sitting. No, I was just sitting.
355 00:18:13,133 00:18:16,473 Shit! It's broken. We're probably gonna have to call a technician. Shit! It's broken. We're probably gonna have to call a technician.
356 00:18:16,553 00:18:19,523 -Did you put in the pass code? -[Shane sighs] Doesn't work! -Did you put in the pass code? -[Shane sighs] Doesn't work!
357 00:18:19,598 00:18:22,388 This has happened before. A technician has to come. This has happened before. A technician has to come.
358 00:18:22,476 00:18:24,976 -You should probably go. -What?! -You should probably go. -What?!
359 00:18:25,562 00:18:28,862 He said you should probably go! He said you should probably go!
360 00:18:29,650 00:18:30,940 Are you serious? Are you serious?
361 00:18:31,026 00:18:32,276 Sorry, man. Sorry, man.
362 00:18:32,361 00:18:35,161 -[alarm continues blaring] -[Adam] Ugh. -[alarm continues blaring] -[Adam] Ugh.
363 00:18:38,700 00:18:40,370 -It was nice meeting you. -What? -It was nice meeting you. -What?
364 00:18:40,452 00:18:42,872 Sorry, it's really hard to hear you! Sorry, it's really hard to hear you!
365 00:18:42,955 00:18:44,205 Never mind. Never mind.
366 00:18:52,506 00:18:53,626 [alarm stops] [alarm stops]
367 00:18:53,715 00:18:56,835 -I'm not as dumb as I look. -You're not dumb at all! -I'm not as dumb as I look. -You're not dumb at all!
368 00:18:56,927 00:18:59,717 You're my little kitty cat. Come here. [kisses] You're my little kitty cat. Come here. [kisses]
369 00:18:59,805 00:19:01,095 Come here, baby. Come here, baby.
370 00:19:01,181 00:19:03,351 -[bell chimes] -[woman's voice] Front door. -[bell chimes] -[woman's voice] Front door.
371 00:19:04,601 00:19:05,811 [Marco] Hello! [Marco] Hello!
372 00:19:05,894 00:19:08,734 -[Shane] Hello! -Fresh pack of Fresca for you. -[Shane] Hello! -Fresh pack of Fresca for you.
373 00:19:08,814 00:19:09,904 [Shane] Thank God! [Shane] Thank God!
374 00:19:11,108 00:19:14,818 Ooh-ooh. Oh, wait a minute.  I wanna see… [sniffles] Ooh-ooh. Oh, wait a minute.  I wanna see… [sniffles]
375 00:19:14,903 00:19:16,113 if these work. if these work.
376 00:19:20,033 00:19:24,163 -Oh, my God, they worked! -What did? -Oh, my God, they worked! -What did?
377 00:19:24,246 00:19:27,536 -The cameras. They recognized me. -Well, look at that! -The cameras. They recognized me. -Well, look at that!
378 00:19:28,125 00:19:29,325 How's the colony today? How's the colony today?
379 00:19:29,418 00:19:33,298 I've been shopping for a new vacuum. I managed to find a Dyson 30% off. I've been shopping for a new vacuum. I managed to find a Dyson 30% off.
380 00:19:33,380 00:19:35,970 That's the hottest thing you've ever said to me. That's the hottest thing you've ever said to me.
381 00:19:36,049 00:19:37,429 -[Shane] Oh. -[phone chimes] -[Shane] Oh. -[phone chimes]
382 00:19:39,094 00:19:40,394 -[laughs] -Seriously? -[laughs] -Seriously?
383 00:19:40,470 00:19:44,430 I just opened it to delete the profile and for some light snooping. I just opened it to delete the profile and for some light snooping.
384 00:19:44,516 00:19:45,976 Seriously. Seriously.
385 00:19:46,059 00:19:47,599 -Uh-oh. -What? -Uh-oh. -What?
386 00:19:47,686 00:19:49,686 Neighbor Jim sent us a message. Neighbor Jim sent us a message.
387 00:19:49,771 00:19:51,861 He saw us on there? What did he say? He saw us on there? What did he say?
388 00:19:51,940 00:19:53,570 [Shane] "Hey boys." [Shane] "Hey boys."
389 00:19:53,650 00:19:55,490 -[Marco groans] -[clicks tongue] -[Marco groans] -[clicks tongue]
390 00:19:57,112 00:19:59,242 He's probably all alone over there, huh? He's probably all alone over there, huh?
391 00:20:00,073 00:20:02,123 -Yeah. -Yeah. -Yeah. -Yeah.
392 00:20:03,368 00:20:05,618 Maybe we should invite him over for a little… Maybe we should invite him over for a little…
393 00:20:05,704 00:20:08,794 -socially distant something on the patio. -That'd be great. -socially distant something on the patio. -That'd be great.
394 00:20:08,874 00:20:10,884 -Right? -Yeah. -Right? -Yeah.
395 00:20:10,959 00:20:11,839 [bell chimes] [bell chimes]
396 00:20:11,919 00:20:14,419 -[woman's voice] Security alert. -Son of a bitch! -[woman's voice] Security alert. -Son of a bitch!
397 00:20:14,504 00:20:18,514 ["In Another Life" by Sandro Perri playing] ["In Another Life" by Sandro Perri playing]
398 00:20:24,723 00:20:29,563 ♪ Let me into this impossible dream ♪ ♪ Let me into this impossible dream ♪
399 00:20:32,564 00:20:37,954 ♪ And know how not to know Just what that means ♪ ♪ And know how not to know Just what that means ♪
400 00:20:40,280 00:20:46,120 ♪ Except to think of all  That might be seen ♪ ♪ Except to think of all  That might be seen ♪
401 00:20:49,081 00:20:53,091 ♪ In another life ♪ ♪ In another life ♪
402 00:20:57,297 00:21:00,877 ♪ In another life ♪ ♪ In another life ♪
403 00:21:05,264 00:21:09,064 ♪ In another life ♪ ♪ In another life ♪