# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:01,653 00:00:03,525 [theme music] [theme music]
2 00:00:24,894 00:00:27,201 "Loophole Mesa. One mile. "Loophole Mesa. One mile.
3 00:00:27,288 00:00:30,769 '"Warning, judges and other legal type hombres' '"Warning, judges and other legal type hombres'
4 00:00:30,856 00:00:34,730 'keep out! Singed Fowler Means."' 'keep out! Singed Fowler Means."'
5 00:00:34,817 00:00:37,341 Hmm. It's probably some sorta joke. Hmm. It's probably some sorta joke.
6 00:00:37,428 00:00:39,996 Be you the circuit judge a-comin' to preside Be you the circuit judge a-comin' to preside
7 00:00:40,083 00:00:43,304 at the trial of Fowler Means, the bank bandit? Be ya? at the trial of Fowler Means, the bank bandit? Be ya?
8 00:00:43,391 00:00:45,001 I am. Why? I am. Why?
9 00:00:45,088 00:00:47,351 Ya mean ya was.Now git! Ya mean ya was.Now git!
10 00:00:47,438 00:00:49,266 bang bang bang bang bang bang
11 00:00:49,353 00:00:53,140 Well, I'll be hornswoggled. What did I say? Well, I'll be hornswoggled. What did I say?
12 00:00:53,227 00:00:55,403 I better hide in here. I better hide in here.
13 00:00:55,490 00:00:57,318 slam slam
14 00:00:57,405 00:00:59,233 Whom slammeth my door Whom slammeth my door
15 00:00:59,320 00:01:01,670 and disturbeth my slumber? and disturbeth my slumber?
16 00:01:01,757 00:01:04,934 Mayhap an errant breeze, mayhap. Mayhap an errant breeze, mayhap.
17 00:01:05,021 00:01:07,806 But hold, beneath my sleepin' pad But hold, beneath my sleepin' pad
18 00:01:07,893 00:01:11,723 'a pair of boots belonging to a sneakin' cad.' 'a pair of boots belonging to a sneakin' cad.'
19 00:01:11,810 00:01:14,857 Come out! Emerge, even! Come out! Emerge, even!
20 00:01:14,944 00:01:18,208 Don't shoot. I-I'm the circuit judge. Don't shoot. I-I'm the circuit judge.
21 00:01:18,295 00:01:20,341 A short circuit judge. A short circuit judge.
22 00:01:20,428 00:01:22,386 What are you doin' under a bed? What are you doin' under a bed?
23 00:01:22,473 00:01:24,475 Shouldn't you be on a bench? Shouldn't you be on a bench?
24 00:01:24,562 00:01:28,523 Yes, judging Fowler Means the bank bandit. Yes, judging Fowler Means the bank bandit.
25 00:01:28,610 00:01:29,872 But I can't. But I can't.
26 00:01:29,959 00:01:31,874 Why not, may I ask? Why not, may I ask?
27 00:01:31,961 00:01:36,226 On account of, it can get mighty dangerous out there On account of, it can get mighty dangerous out there
28 00:01:36,313 00:01:38,315 dispensing justice. dispensing justice.
29 00:01:38,402 00:01:43,799 Ha! If I were judge no criminal the law would smudge. Ha! If I were judge no criminal the law would smudge.
30 00:01:43,886 00:01:47,672 Why not? You could take my place and split the fee. Why not? You could take my place and split the fee.
31 00:01:47,759 00:01:50,719 I would deem it an honor to be a your honor. I would deem it an honor to be a your honor.
32 00:01:50,806 00:01:52,634 I hereby pronounce you I hereby pronounce you
33 00:01:52,721 00:01:54,897 a deputy circuit judge. a deputy circuit judge.
34 00:01:54,984 00:01:56,203 I do! I do!
35 00:01:58,074 00:02:01,295 As your lawyer, Fowler, I can safely say As your lawyer, Fowler, I can safely say
36 00:02:01,382 00:02:03,732 'they can't hold ya without a judge.' 'they can't hold ya without a judge.'
37 00:02:03,819 00:02:05,560 Well, get me out fast. Well, get me out fast.
38 00:02:05,647 00:02:08,519 I'm way behind in my hold-up schedule. I'm way behind in my hold-up schedule.
39 00:02:08,606 00:02:11,305 [Snagglepuss] 'Pardon me, if you so will.' [Snagglepuss] 'Pardon me, if you so will.'
40 00:02:11,392 00:02:14,351 - Huh? - I'm the new circuit judge. - Huh? - I'm the new circuit judge.
41 00:02:14,438 00:02:16,179 [in unison] The circuit judge? [in unison] The circuit judge?
42 00:02:16,266 00:02:17,876 'Indub-bidably.' 'Indub-bidably.'
43 00:02:17,963 00:02:20,792 Have robe, will gavel. Have robe, will gavel.
44 00:02:20,879 00:02:22,098 And whom are you? And whom are you?
45 00:02:22,185 00:02:23,795 I am Onori. I am Onori.
46 00:02:23,882 00:02:26,494 Onori Cuss the defense attorney. Onori Cuss the defense attorney.
47 00:02:26,581 00:02:27,930 'That figures.' 'That figures.'
48 00:02:28,017 00:02:30,976 See you at the trial, gentlemen. See you at the trial, gentlemen.
49 00:02:31,063 00:02:32,978 [Fowler] 'Some lawyer.' [Fowler] 'Some lawyer.'
50 00:02:37,418 00:02:40,508 Will the prosecutin' attorney commence even? Will the prosecutin' attorney commence even?
51 00:02:40,595 00:02:42,510 He had to leave town. He had to leave town.
52 00:02:42,597 00:02:44,903 Yeah. He got sudden lead poisonin'. Yeah. He got sudden lead poisonin'.
53 00:02:44,990 00:02:46,644 [laughing] [laughing]
54 00:02:46,731 00:02:49,169 Then in the interest of justice Then in the interest of justice
55 00:02:49,256 00:02:51,171 I shall take his place. I shall take his place.
56 00:02:52,998 00:02:55,479 Gentlemen of the jury.. Huh? Gentlemen of the jury.. Huh?
57 00:02:55,566 00:02:58,613 There's a striking resemblance to the prisoner. There's a striking resemblance to the prisoner.
58 00:02:58,700 00:03:00,615 Look-a-like, even. Look-a-like, even.
59 00:03:00,702 00:03:02,182 Them my kinfolk. Them my kinfolk.
60 00:03:02,269 00:03:04,793 We all went to reform school together. We all went to reform school together.
61 00:03:04,880 00:03:08,666 Also graduated with a third degree, no doubt. Also graduated with a third degree, no doubt.
62 00:03:08,753 00:03:11,321 [Fowler] 'Yeah. Ha ha ha!' [Fowler] 'Yeah. Ha ha ha!'
63 00:03:11,408 00:03:14,281 Order in the court! Order in the court!
64 00:03:14,368 00:03:15,978 Will the prosecutin' attorney Will the prosecutin' attorney
65 00:03:16,065 00:03:19,024 call his first witness? call his first witness?
66 00:03:19,111 00:03:20,939 As my first witness, I call As my first witness, I call
67 00:03:21,026 00:03:24,943 Jake Timid Teller, the banker, to the stand. Jake Timid Teller, the banker, to the stand.
68 00:03:25,030 00:03:26,597 He also left town. He also left town.
69 00:03:26,684 00:03:29,296 Also lead poisoning. Also lead poisoning.
70 00:03:29,383 00:03:31,211 Heavens to habeas corpus! Heavens to habeas corpus!
71 00:03:31,298 00:03:34,649 You got to have witnesses. You got to have witnesses.
72 00:03:34,736 00:03:38,087 Yes, Your Lordship. I have a surprise witness. Yes, Your Lordship. I have a surprise witness.
73 00:03:38,174 00:03:40,916 Will Zelda Scrubbinbrush take the stand? Will Zelda Scrubbinbrush take the stand?
74 00:03:41,003 00:03:43,484 I'll go get her. I'll go get her.
75 00:03:43,571 00:03:45,573 - Who's she? - I don't know. - Who's she? - I don't know.
76 00:03:45,660 00:03:48,228 I am Zelda Scrubbinbrush I am Zelda Scrubbinbrush
77 00:03:48,315 00:03:50,186 cleaning lady at the bank. cleaning lady at the bank.
78 00:03:50,273 00:03:51,883 I saw the whole thing. I saw the whole thing.
79 00:03:51,970 00:03:55,539 There's the man who held up the bank. Fowler Means. There's the man who held up the bank. Fowler Means.
80 00:03:55,626 00:03:57,237 I object. Your honor.. I object. Your honor..
81 00:03:58,673 00:04:00,762 [Zelda] 'Go hiss, you big flapper.' [Zelda] 'Go hiss, you big flapper.'
82 00:04:00,849 00:04:02,633 Why, if you wasn't a lady, I'd.. Why, if you wasn't a lady, I'd..
83 00:04:02,720 00:04:04,418 It just so happens It just so happens
84 00:04:04,505 00:04:06,985 that my nephew Wild Bill Hickory Stick that my nephew Wild Bill Hickory Stick
85 00:04:07,072 00:04:08,639 is in town. is in town.
86 00:04:08,726 00:04:11,251 I'll go fetch him. I'll go fetch him.
87 00:04:11,338 00:04:13,209 [together] Wild Bill Hickory Sticks? [together] Wild Bill Hickory Sticks?
88 00:04:13,296 00:04:15,080 Who the heck is he? Who the heck is he?
89 00:04:15,167 00:04:17,344 [male #1] 'Only the fastest draw in the west' [male #1] 'Only the fastest draw in the west'
90 00:04:17,431 00:04:19,824 or east even! or east even!
91 00:04:19,911 00:04:23,437 Fowler Means, I hear you been plum unpolite Fowler Means, I hear you been plum unpolite
92 00:04:23,524 00:04:26,135 to my Aunt Zelda, true? to my Aunt Zelda, true?
93 00:04:26,222 00:04:28,224 True, and I'll bet she makes True, and I'll bet she makes
94 00:04:28,311 00:04:31,227 terrible apple pandowdy. So draw! terrible apple pandowdy. So draw!
95 00:04:31,314 00:04:33,098 Can't draw on that. Can't draw on that.
96 00:04:33,185 00:04:36,928 Most obnoxious apple pandowdy in the west! Most obnoxious apple pandowdy in the west!
97 00:04:37,015 00:04:38,452 Then draw on this. Then draw on this.
98 00:04:38,539 00:04:41,063 Your Aunt Zelda wears army shoes! Your Aunt Zelda wears army shoes!
99 00:04:41,150 00:04:42,586 Can't draw, she's got Can't draw, she's got
100 00:04:42,673 00:04:45,763 the biggest feet ever to stomp the prairie. the biggest feet ever to stomp the prairie.
101 00:04:45,850 00:04:47,852 Then, uh, your Aunt Zelda's nephew Then, uh, your Aunt Zelda's nephew
102 00:04:47,939 00:04:51,334 is a low-down sneakin', yellow dog of a polecat. is a low-down sneakin', yellow dog of a polecat.
103 00:04:51,421 00:04:52,727 Draw! Draw!
104 00:04:52,814 00:04:54,990 'Cowdarn ya! Draw!' 'Cowdarn ya! Draw!'
105 00:04:55,077 00:04:56,818 Can't argue there, pardner. Can't argue there, pardner.
106 00:04:56,905 00:05:00,038 I'm even too scared to get a haircut. I'm even too scared to get a haircut.
107 00:05:00,125 00:05:02,737 'I thought you said you was fast on the draw.' 'I thought you said you was fast on the draw.'
108 00:05:02,824 00:05:04,826 A slight correction, please. A slight correction, please.
109 00:05:04,913 00:05:07,394 I'm fast on the withdraw. I'm fast on the withdraw.
110 00:05:09,526 00:05:12,964 Exit, withdrawing all the way, stage left. Exit, withdrawing all the way, stage left.
111 00:05:15,576 00:05:17,229 Where do ya think you're goin'? Where do ya think you're goin'?
112 00:05:17,317 00:05:19,710 That-a-way! That-a-way!
113 00:05:19,797 00:05:20,972 Stop him, Fowler! Stop him, Fowler!
114 00:05:21,059 00:05:22,234 It's a pleasure! It's a pleasure!
115 00:05:22,322 00:05:23,497 bang bang bang bang bang bang
116 00:05:26,238 00:05:29,633 Caught. Like a rose between two thorns even. Caught. Like a rose between two thorns even.
117 00:05:29,720 00:05:31,505 clink clink clink clink clink clink
118 00:05:34,116 00:05:37,728 Gentlemen, may I have one moment of your time, please? Gentlemen, may I have one moment of your time, please?
119 00:05:37,815 00:05:41,384 If youse must dual, let's observe the rules to wit. If youse must dual, let's observe the rules to wit.
120 00:05:41,471 00:05:43,647 About face. About face.
121 00:05:43,734 00:05:45,693 Take ten giant steps. Take ten giant steps.
122 00:05:45,780 00:05:47,956 [in unison] One, two [in unison] One, two
123 00:05:48,043 00:05:50,088 three, four.. three, four..
124 00:05:50,175 00:05:52,656 Whilst I exit, stage left. Whilst I exit, stage left.
125 00:05:54,136 00:05:55,442 He's getting away! He's getting away!
126 00:05:55,529 00:05:57,182 I'll get the turkey varmint! I'll get the turkey varmint!
127 00:05:57,269 00:06:00,882 Hear, hear! What's the idea? Hear, hear! What's the idea?
128 00:06:00,969 00:06:02,623 I've a legal mind to run ya in I've a legal mind to run ya in
129 00:06:02,710 00:06:04,973 for disturbin' the peace even. for disturbin' the peace even.
130 00:06:05,060 00:06:06,888 But I'll give ya another chance-it. But I'll give ya another chance-it.
131 00:06:06,975 00:06:08,672 Get out of my court! Get out of my court!
132 00:06:08,759 00:06:10,805 Oh, yes, sir, Your Honor, sir. Oh, yes, sir, Your Honor, sir.
133 00:06:10,892 00:06:12,110 Goodbye, sir. Goodbye, sir.
134 00:06:14,199 00:06:17,159 Now, where were we? Where were we? Now, where were we? Where were we?
135 00:06:17,246 00:06:21,250 We were tryin' Fowler Means for bank robbery. We were tryin' Fowler Means for bank robbery.
136 00:06:21,337 00:06:24,209 Oh, yeah. Fowler Means. Oh, yeah. Fowler Means.
137 00:06:24,296 00:06:26,734 - Take a stand. - He can't. - Take a stand. - He can't.
138 00:06:26,821 00:06:29,171 Youjust let him go! Thanks! Youjust let him go! Thanks!
139 00:06:29,258 00:06:30,694 [laughing] [laughing]
140 00:06:30,781 00:06:34,524 Well, I've been everything else around here. Well, I've been everything else around here.
141 00:06:34,611 00:06:37,440 I might as well be the accus-ed too. I might as well be the accus-ed too.
142 00:06:37,527 00:06:40,400 Gentlemen of the jury, how do ya find me? Gentlemen of the jury, how do ya find me?
143 00:06:40,487 00:06:43,490 Guilty or not guilty? Guilty or not guilty?
144 00:06:43,577 00:06:44,882 [together] Guilty! [together] Guilty!
145 00:06:44,969 00:06:46,536 I deserve it. I deserve it.
146 00:06:48,277 00:06:49,757 I sentence myself I sentence myself
147 00:06:49,844 00:06:52,803 to 99 years. to 99 years.
148 00:06:52,890 00:06:54,631 Heavens to Murgatroyd! Heavens to Murgatroyd!
149 00:06:54,718 00:06:56,720 I've painted myself into a corner. I've painted myself into a corner.
150 00:06:56,807 00:06:59,636 Exit, fugitive from justice, stage left! Exit, fugitive from justice, stage left!
151 00:07:01,856 00:07:04,467 Can anybody recommend a cheap lawyer. Can anybody recommend a cheap lawyer.
152 00:07:04,554 00:07:06,164 Free even. Free even.
153 00:07:09,603 00:07:11,996 [theme music] [theme music]