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1 00:00:03,754 00:00:05,380 C.K.! C.K.! C.K.! C.K.!
2 00:00:07,007 00:00:09,009 Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis!
3 00:00:09,009 00:00:11,887 Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis!
4 00:00:11,887 00:00:17,685 Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis!
5 00:00:53,053 00:00:54,847 Thank you. Thank you.
6 00:01:00,310 00:01:01,562 Thank you. Thank you.
7 00:01:01,562 00:01:04,607 Sit down, please. Thank you. Sit down, please. Thank you.
8 00:01:04,607 00:01:07,484 Thank you very much. Thanks. Nice to, uh... Thank you very much. Thanks. Nice to, uh...
9 00:01:07,484 00:01:10,738 All right. Nice to see you all. All right. Nice to see you all.
10 00:01:10,738 00:01:12,155 Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming.
11 00:01:12,155 00:01:15,618 I've been thinking about you all day. I've been thinking about you all day.
12 00:01:15,618 00:01:18,787 How are you? How -- how was your last couple of years? How are you? How -- how was your last couple of years?
13 00:01:18,787 00:01:23,291 How... How...
14 00:01:23,291 00:01:26,795 How was 2018 and '19 for you guys? How was 2018 and '19 for you guys?
15 00:01:30,799 00:01:32,885 Anybody else getting global amounts of trouble, Anybody else getting global amounts of trouble,
16 00:01:32,885 00:01:34,469 anybody else... anybody else...
17 00:01:39,099 00:01:40,851 Fuck! Fuck!
18 00:01:44,312 00:01:46,023 That was crazy... That was crazy...
19 00:01:46,023 00:01:48,441 Man, I was in a lot of trou-- Man, I was in a lot of trou--
20 00:01:48,441 00:01:50,193 Wait till they see those pictures of me in blackface. Wait till they see those pictures of me in blackface.
21 00:01:50,193 00:01:52,487 That's gonna to be... That's gonna to be...
22 00:01:52,487 00:01:55,866 That's going to make it a lot worse. That's going to make it a lot worse.
23 00:01:55,866 00:01:58,619 Because there is a lot of those, there's thousands of pictures Because there is a lot of those, there's thousands of pictures
24 00:01:58,619 00:02:01,496 of me in blackface. of me in blackface.
25 00:02:01,496 00:02:04,332 I can't stop doing it, I just... I can't stop doing it, I just...
26 00:02:04,332 00:02:07,127 I like it, I like how it feels. I like it, I like how it feels.
27 00:02:11,590 00:02:14,009 Fuck, man, that was... Fuck, man, that was...
28 00:02:14,009 00:02:16,845 You know what? I learned a lot. You know what? I learned a lot.
29 00:02:16,845 00:02:19,682 I learned a lot -- I learned how to eat alone in a restaurant I learned a lot -- I learned how to eat alone in a restaurant
30 00:02:19,682 00:02:23,936 with people giving me the finger from across the room. with people giving me the finger from across the room.
31 00:02:33,529 00:02:34,947 When you get in trouble, When you get in trouble,
32 00:02:34,947 00:02:36,990 you learn who your real friends are. you learn who your real friends are.
33 00:02:36,990 00:02:41,036 It's true -- people like saying that like that's a good thing. It's true -- people like saying that like that's a good thing.
34 00:02:41,036 00:02:43,872 Who the fuck wants to know who their real friends are? Who the fuck wants to know who their real friends are?
35 00:02:43,872 00:02:45,207 You don't want to know that. You don't want to know that.
36 00:02:45,207 00:02:48,376 Believe me, you don't want to know. Believe me, you don't want to know.
37 00:02:48,376 00:02:51,880 It's never who you want it to be. It's never who you want it to be.
38 00:02:51,880 00:02:57,260 It's not your cool friends and it's not your fun friends. It's not your cool friends and it's not your fun friends.
39 00:02:57,260 00:03:01,473 It's your real friends. It's your real friends.
40 00:03:01,473 00:03:03,016 "I'm here for you." "I'm here for you."
41 00:03:03,016 00:03:06,394 I fucking know that. I fucking know that.
42 00:03:06,394 00:03:08,063 I have this friend, she's the best person I know, I have this friend, she's the best person I know,
43 00:03:08,063 00:03:09,857 but I sometimes want to punch her in the face but I sometimes want to punch her in the face
44 00:03:09,857 00:03:11,775 because she's so nice -- because she's so nice --
45 00:03:11,775 00:03:14,194 because I'm not a good person. because I'm not a good person.
46 00:03:14,194 00:03:15,779 Like, I'll tell her something I'm having problems with, Like, I'll tell her something I'm having problems with,
47 00:03:15,779 00:03:17,823 and she'll say, "I'm going to pray on that for you." and she'll say, "I'm going to pray on that for you."
48 00:03:22,536 00:03:26,414 I have a feeling when she prays, God's like, "Ugh! I have a feeling when she prays, God's like, "Ugh!
49 00:03:26,414 00:03:30,002 Fuck! Fuck!
50 00:03:30,002 00:03:32,505 This one makes me want to get out of the business." This one makes me want to get out of the business."
51 00:03:36,424 00:03:38,552 You guys think there's a God? How many -- You guys think there's a God? How many --
52 00:03:38,552 00:03:41,221 How many of you, by applause, believe there is a God. How many of you, by applause, believe there is a God.
53 00:03:41,221 00:03:44,266 How many people? How many people?
54 00:03:44,266 00:03:46,602 All right. About 30 out of 1,400. All right. About 30 out of 1,400.
55 00:03:46,602 00:03:49,187 That's nice. That's nice. That's nice. That's nice.
56 00:03:49,187 00:03:51,732 That shit's over. That shit's over.
57 00:03:51,732 00:03:54,610 It's just fucking over. It's just fucking over.
58 00:03:54,610 00:03:57,112 You go into a church, it's like going to a roller skating rink You go into a church, it's like going to a roller skating rink
59 00:03:57,112 00:03:59,156 on a Wednesday, it's like... on a Wednesday, it's like...
60 00:03:59,156 00:04:01,324 "This used to be something! What happened?" "This used to be something! What happened?"
61 00:04:03,952 00:04:05,579 I don't know. I don't think there's a God. I don't know. I don't think there's a God.
62 00:04:05,579 00:04:07,915 And that's not a conviction. I just don't suppose. And that's not a conviction. I just don't suppose.
63 00:04:07,915 00:04:11,001 I just -- I just reckon there ain't. I just -- I just reckon there ain't.
64 00:04:11,001 00:04:13,546 I reckon there ain't no lord. I reckon there ain't no lord.
65 00:04:16,131 00:04:17,966 And because I don't believe there's a God, And because I don't believe there's a God,
66 00:04:17,966 00:04:20,594 I fucking hope there's not a God. I fucking hope there's not a God.
67 00:04:20,594 00:04:24,890 I fuckin' hope -- Oh, please! I fuckin' hope -- Oh, please!
68 00:04:24,890 00:04:27,142 If you don't believe in God, you better fucking hope -- If you don't believe in God, you better fucking hope --
69 00:04:27,142 00:04:30,312 you better get on your knees and pray. you better get on your knees and pray.
70 00:04:30,312 00:04:33,190 Please, God, don't be. Please, God, don't be.
71 00:04:36,318 00:04:38,696 'Cause that's a bad thing to be wrong about. 'Cause that's a bad thing to be wrong about.
72 00:04:38,696 00:04:41,824 That's a bad wrong. That's a bad wrong.
73 00:04:41,824 00:04:43,701 You're an atheist your whole life and you die You're an atheist your whole life and you die
74 00:04:43,701 00:04:47,663 and you're like, "Aw, fuck! and you're like, "Aw, fuck!
75 00:04:47,663 00:04:50,040 Aw, you're shitting -- with a beard and everything. Aw, you're shitting -- with a beard and everything.
76 00:04:50,040 00:04:56,296 Fuck! Aww... Fuck! Aww...
77 00:04:56,296 00:04:57,881 Hey, I -- I dunno... Hey, I -- I dunno...
78 00:04:57,881 00:05:01,093 Yeah, yeah, I'm going. Yep." Yeah, yeah, I'm going. Yep."
79 00:05:04,513 00:05:07,015 Being wrong the other way is not a big problem. Being wrong the other way is not a big problem.
80 00:05:07,015 00:05:08,892 If you believe in God and you're wrong, If you believe in God and you're wrong,
81 00:05:08,892 00:05:10,603 you don't really have a problem. you don't really have a problem.
82 00:05:10,603 00:05:13,021 It gives you a little comfort during your stupid life. It gives you a little comfort during your stupid life.
83 00:05:15,983 00:05:18,986 And then at the end, you're just seriously disappointed And then at the end, you're just seriously disappointed
84 00:05:18,986 00:05:21,822 for like a second -- it's the last feeling you get to have. for like a second -- it's the last feeling you get to have.
85 00:05:21,822 00:05:25,576 You die, you're like, "Nothing? You die, you're like, "Nothing?
86 00:05:25,576 00:05:27,786 Seriously? Nothing?" Seriously? Nothing?"
87 00:05:27,786 00:05:29,913 "Yeah, just get in the Dumpster. Sorry." "Yeah, just get in the Dumpster. Sorry."
88 00:05:33,333 00:05:36,504 "Sorry, you're just garbage now." "Sorry, you're just garbage now."
89 00:05:36,504 00:05:38,756 If you don't believe in God, that's what you believe -- If you don't believe in God, that's what you believe --
90 00:05:38,756 00:05:41,341 that when you die, you're just garbage. that when you die, you're just garbage.
91 00:05:41,341 00:05:44,887 You are your family's newest garbage. You are your family's newest garbage.
92 00:05:44,887 00:05:46,847 My mom died last year and we asked her, like, My mom died last year and we asked her, like,
93 00:05:46,847 00:05:49,600 "What do you want," like, before she died, we didn't -- "What do you want," like, before she died, we didn't --
94 00:05:49,600 00:05:54,146 We didn't ask her at -- "Ma! Ma! We didn't ask her at -- "Ma! Ma!
95 00:05:54,146 00:05:55,731 Fuck!" Fuck!"
96 00:05:59,527 00:06:01,570 I asked my mom what we wanted -- I asked my mom what we wanted --
97 00:06:01,570 00:06:02,863 what she wanted to do with her body. what she wanted to do with her body.
98 00:06:02,863 00:06:04,447 And she said, "Just burn it." And she said, "Just burn it."
99 00:06:04,447 00:06:06,575 Burn it. Burn it.
100 00:06:06,575 00:06:09,912 What, in the yard with leaves? What the fuck? What, in the yard with leaves? What the fuck?
101 00:06:12,080 00:06:14,291 She didn't want a funeral, no pageantry, nothing. She didn't want a funeral, no pageantry, nothing.
102 00:06:14,291 00:06:15,793 So she booked it herself. So she booked it herself.
103 00:06:15,793 00:06:18,086 That was her last act as an American consumer. That was her last act as an American consumer.
104 00:06:18,086 00:06:20,839 She went online with a credit card She went online with a credit card
105 00:06:20,839 00:06:23,592 and she booked her own cremation. and she booked her own cremation.
106 00:06:23,592 00:06:28,138 It's true -- at a place called Boston Crematorium. It's true -- at a place called Boston Crematorium.
107 00:06:28,138 00:06:32,017 Just this place that burns bums and dogs all day. Just this place that burns bums and dogs all day.
108 00:06:32,017 00:06:36,855 They just folded my mom into the workload. They just folded my mom into the workload.
109 00:06:36,855 00:06:38,941 We didn't even know, just this guy showed up. We didn't even know, just this guy showed up.
110 00:06:38,941 00:06:41,610 "I'm here for your ma." "I'm here for your ma."
111 00:06:41,610 00:06:45,656 "All right, Sully, she's in there." "All right, Sully, she's in there."
112 00:06:45,656 00:06:47,282 And he went in there to prepare her. And he went in there to prepare her.
113 00:06:47,282 00:06:48,742 My sisters are waiting in the hall My sisters are waiting in the hall
114 00:06:48,742 00:06:51,161 and he was in there for a while. and he was in there for a while.
115 00:06:55,332 00:06:57,167 I didn't say anything. I'm just... I didn't say anything. I'm just...
116 00:06:57,167 00:07:00,838 Saying he was in there with my mom for a long time. Saying he was in there with my mom for a long time.
117 00:07:00,838 00:07:03,799 That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying.
118 00:07:03,799 00:07:05,008 And also that I was worried And also that I was worried
119 00:07:05,008 00:07:06,635 he was fucking my dead mother. he was fucking my dead mother.
120 00:07:12,808 00:07:16,394 Anyway, then he brought her out in a kind of a nice bag Anyway, then he brought her out in a kind of a nice bag
121 00:07:16,394 00:07:20,148 and... and he put her in a van. and... and he put her in a van.
122 00:07:20,148 00:07:22,943 Just a -- his van. Just a -- his van.
123 00:07:22,943 00:07:26,697 It's like a '98 Ford Windstar It's like a '98 Ford Windstar
124 00:07:26,697 00:07:31,785 with a bottle of red Gatorade rolling around in the back. with a bottle of red Gatorade rolling around in the back.
125 00:07:31,785 00:07:34,538 It's the last time I saw my mom. It's the last time I saw my mom.
126 00:07:37,625 00:07:39,209 That's what she wanted. That's what she wanted.
127 00:07:41,629 00:07:43,922 She didn't believe in this God shit. She didn't believe in this God shit.
128 00:07:43,922 00:07:45,799 Just didn't. Just didn't.
129 00:07:45,799 00:07:47,885 I was talking to my friend the other day about Jesus... I was talking to my friend the other day about Jesus...
130 00:07:47,885 00:07:49,928 uh, Christ, uh, Christ,
131 00:07:49,928 00:07:51,722 and, um... and, um...
132 00:07:51,722 00:07:53,223 I don't remember why, I don't remember why,
133 00:07:53,223 00:07:55,684 but I happened to mention that Jesus was Jewish but I happened to mention that Jesus was Jewish
134 00:07:55,684 00:07:58,937 and my friend said, "He was?" and my friend said, "He was?"
135 00:07:58,937 00:08:01,524 And I said, Yeah. Jesus was Jewish. And I said, Yeah. Jesus was Jewish.
136 00:08:01,524 00:08:04,902 And he said, "I don't think so." And he said, "I don't think so."
137 00:08:04,902 00:08:07,362 And I said, that's okay, it already all happened. And I said, that's okay, it already all happened.
138 00:08:07,362 00:08:08,989 Doesn't matter where you think. Doesn't matter where you think.
139 00:08:12,034 00:08:14,411 But he'd argued with me. He was like, "Dude, But he'd argued with me. He was like, "Dude,
140 00:08:14,411 00:08:15,996 Jesus couldn't be Jewish. Think about it." Jesus couldn't be Jewish. Think about it."
141 00:08:15,996 00:08:18,541 I'm like, "You fucking think about it, you idiot. I'm like, "You fucking think about it, you idiot.
142 00:08:18,541 00:08:20,918 What d-- What was he then? You're... What d-- What was he then? You're...
143 00:08:20,918 00:08:25,255 What, was he Presbyterian? What was he? What, was he Presbyterian? What was he?
144 00:08:25,255 00:08:28,676 Catholic? Okay, Jesus was Catholic Catholic? Okay, Jesus was Catholic
145 00:08:28,676 00:08:31,469 and he had a gold chain with a cross. and he had a gold chain with a cross.
146 00:08:34,097 00:08:35,182 And when they nailed him up, he was like, And when they nailed him up, he was like,
147 00:08:35,182 00:08:38,185 "Oh, that's why we have those!" "Oh, that's why we have those!"
148 00:08:40,771 00:08:43,691 "That finally makes sense. I didn't even know. "That finally makes sense. I didn't even know.
149 00:08:43,691 00:08:46,735 Oh, fuck, that's me! I'm the little guy on it!" Oh, fuck, that's me! I'm the little guy on it!"
150 00:08:54,284 00:08:57,245 Every religion has a strange story or a rule Every religion has a strange story or a rule
151 00:08:57,245 00:08:58,789 that doesn't make sense to me. that doesn't make sense to me.
152 00:08:58,789 00:09:01,709 You know, like every time there's a terrorist act, You know, like every time there's a terrorist act,
153 00:09:01,709 00:09:03,669 they always tell you on the news they always tell you on the news
154 00:09:03,669 00:09:06,630 about how they believe they're all going to heaven. about how they believe they're all going to heaven.
155 00:09:06,630 00:09:10,050 And every guy who does a jihad thing And every guy who does a jihad thing
156 00:09:10,050 00:09:12,302 and he gets 72 virgins, that's right. and he gets 72 virgins, that's right.
157 00:09:12,302 00:09:14,597 That's the story, always 72 virgins. That's the story, always 72 virgins.
158 00:09:14,597 00:09:17,224 Which, first of all, who are those women? Which, first of all, who are those women?
159 00:09:17,224 00:09:20,728 Who are the 72 virgins? Who are the 72 virgins?
160 00:09:20,728 00:09:25,273 Does God have to kill 72 nice girls? Does God have to kill 72 nice girls?
161 00:09:25,273 00:09:26,734 "All right, ladies, uh, "All right, ladies, uh,
162 00:09:26,734 00:09:30,654 the good news is you're going to heaven. the good news is you're going to heaven.
163 00:09:30,654 00:09:32,197 The weird news..." The weird news..."
164 00:09:35,784 00:09:39,121 Or does God just make 'em fresh like farm raised salmon? Or does God just make 'em fresh like farm raised salmon?
165 00:09:39,121 00:09:43,375 He just whips up 72 women. He just whips up 72 women.
166 00:09:43,375 00:09:46,294 "All right. Nobody fuck these. I'm saving them for that guy." "All right. Nobody fuck these. I'm saving them for that guy."
167 00:09:50,007 00:09:51,717 It's a weird concept. It's a weird concept.
168 00:09:51,717 00:09:54,637 You get your own 72 virgins for all eternity. You get your own 72 virgins for all eternity.
169 00:09:54,637 00:09:58,181 First of all, they're only virgins when you first get them. First of all, they're only virgins when you first get them.
170 00:09:58,181 00:10:01,977 Once you start fucking them, it's over. Once you start fucking them, it's over.
171 00:10:01,977 00:10:04,897 After a week, he's like, "I only have three left." After a week, he's like, "I only have three left."
172 00:10:09,317 00:10:11,737 "And 69 whores." "And 69 whores."
173 00:10:15,073 00:10:17,951 That has to be one of the more confusing moments in God's life That has to be one of the more confusing moments in God's life
174 00:10:17,951 00:10:20,829 when he's handing off 72 virgins when he's handing off 72 virgins
175 00:10:20,829 00:10:24,457 to some guy who just blew up a bus in Tel Aviv, to some guy who just blew up a bus in Tel Aviv,
176 00:10:24,457 00:10:28,211 and he's like, "All right. Uh... and he's like, "All right. Uh...
177 00:10:28,211 00:10:33,175 The fuck am I doing? I don't even know anymore. The fuck am I doing? I don't even know anymore.
178 00:10:33,175 00:10:36,929 I need a drink." I need a drink."
179 00:10:36,929 00:10:40,432 I'm curious about God. I'm curious about his life. I'm curious about God. I'm curious about his life.
180 00:10:40,432 00:10:41,892 I'm curious about God's existence. I'm curious about God's existence.
181 00:10:41,892 00:10:43,435 What's that like to be God? What's that like to be God?
182 00:10:43,435 00:10:44,937 You know, we don't know anything about him. You know, we don't know anything about him.
183 00:10:44,937 00:10:46,313 I think one reason people don't believe in him, I think one reason people don't believe in him,
184 00:10:46,313 00:10:47,856 because we don't have a sense of God because we don't have a sense of God
185 00:10:47,856 00:10:49,024 because he doesn't say anything anymore. because he doesn't say anything anymore.
186 00:10:49,024 00:10:50,526 Used to talk all the time, Used to talk all the time,
187 00:10:50,526 00:10:51,902 used to go up to people on the street, "Hey!" used to go up to people on the street, "Hey!"
188 00:10:54,905 00:10:59,326 Writing on the rocks -- "Look at that! Do it!" Writing on the rocks -- "Look at that! Do it!"
189 00:10:59,326 00:11:00,953 And it was conf-- Everybody's like, And it was conf-- Everybody's like,
190 00:11:00,953 00:11:02,996 trying to figure it out. trying to figure it out.
191 00:11:02,996 00:11:04,331 And then for 2,000 years, he just -- And then for 2,000 years, he just --
192 00:11:04,331 00:11:08,293 "Mm, meh." Nothing! Says nothing! "Mm, meh." Nothing! Says nothing!
193 00:11:08,293 00:11:09,712 And everybody's fighting. And everybody's fighting.
194 00:11:09,712 00:11:10,963 He could clear a lot of shit up He could clear a lot of shit up
195 00:11:10,963 00:11:13,090 with a five-minute press conference. with a five-minute press conference.
196 00:11:15,133 00:11:19,221 If God spoke for five minutes, he'd solve a lot of problems. If God spoke for five minutes, he'd solve a lot of problems.
197 00:11:19,221 00:11:21,557 He'd just show up, "All right, everybody, yeah, I'm the Lord. He'd just show up, "All right, everybody, yeah, I'm the Lord.
198 00:11:21,557 00:11:25,268 Okay, real quick. Okay, real quick.
199 00:11:25,268 00:11:27,730 First of all, Mormons, just: no. First of all, Mormons, just: no.
200 00:11:31,942 00:11:35,237 What is that? Just go home. What is that? Just go home.
201 00:11:35,237 00:11:37,656 Also, Jews with the little things, what the fuck? Also, Jews with the little things, what the fuck?
202 00:11:37,656 00:11:39,241 I don't know... I don't know...
203 00:11:39,241 00:11:41,827 Put a hat on or don't, nobody gives a shit. Put a hat on or don't, nobody gives a shit.
204 00:11:41,827 00:11:44,538 This is weird. I hate these. I hate them. This is weird. I hate these. I hate them.
205 00:11:44,538 00:11:47,165 I sent everybody with one of those to hell every day. I sent everybody with one of those to hell every day.
206 00:11:47,165 00:11:49,459 I do. It's just my thing. Just so you know. I do. It's just my thing. Just so you know.
207 00:11:49,459 00:11:53,130 Do what you want, but that's where you're going. Do what you want, but that's where you're going.
208 00:11:53,130 00:11:55,298 Now, you know. Now, you know.
209 00:11:55,298 00:11:57,217 Also, I don't care who you fuck. Also, I don't care who you fuck.
210 00:11:57,217 00:11:59,678 I don't care. It never mattered. I don't care. It never mattered.
211 00:11:59,678 00:12:01,138 It was Adam and Eve and Steve. It was Adam and Eve and Steve.
212 00:12:01,138 00:12:02,890 They were all fucking each other. They were all fucking each other.
213 00:12:02,890 00:12:04,850 I was jerking off to it. It was a great time. I was jerking off to it. It was a great time.
214 00:12:04,850 00:12:06,644 So it's not an issue for me. So it's not an issue for me.
215 00:12:06,644 00:12:10,355 I don't know why it is for you. I don't know why it is for you.
216 00:12:10,355 00:12:14,693 Have fun and use all the holes, that's what I say. Have fun and use all the holes, that's what I say.
217 00:12:14,693 00:12:16,444 Also, you're supposed to fuck the animals. Also, you're supposed to fuck the animals.
218 00:12:16,444 00:12:19,865 That's why I made them! That's why I made them!
219 00:12:19,865 00:12:23,869 Why are you not fucking the animals?! Why are you not fucking the animals?!
220 00:12:23,869 00:12:26,997 There's only like 30,000 of you fucking the animals. There's only like 30,000 of you fucking the animals.
221 00:12:30,167 00:12:32,044 What are the rest of you -- You're eating them?! What are the rest of you -- You're eating them?!
222 00:12:32,044 00:12:33,837 That's disgusting! That's disgusting!
223 00:12:36,214 00:12:38,592 What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?
224 00:12:38,592 00:12:41,053 How could you eat a perfectly fuckable pig." How could you eat a perfectly fuckable pig."
225 00:12:46,892 00:12:48,561 Sayeth the Lord. Sayeth the Lord.
226 00:12:54,066 00:12:56,860 Well, it's nice to be in Washington, D.C., Well, it's nice to be in Washington, D.C.,
227 00:12:56,860 00:12:58,445 where -- I was born here. where -- I was born here.
228 00:13:01,323 00:13:03,867 I like it here, 'cause I like any city, I like cities. I like it here, 'cause I like any city, I like cities.
229 00:13:03,867 00:13:05,869 I don't like cities that are too advanced. I don't like cities that are too advanced.
230 00:13:05,869 00:13:07,495 You know, I was in Zurich. You know, I was in Zurich.
231 00:13:07,495 00:13:09,414 And they have so much sh-- you know, they're like, And they have so much sh-- you know, they're like,
232 00:13:09,414 00:13:12,084 "Here's the bike, you want a bicycle? It's yours. "Here's the bike, you want a bicycle? It's yours.
233 00:13:12,084 00:13:16,839 Just have it, it's nice." Just have it, it's nice."
234 00:13:16,839 00:13:20,926 And they have the garbage with the eight fuckin' holes And they have the garbage with the eight fuckin' holes
235 00:13:20,926 00:13:23,929 of different shapes -- it's like an IQ test for a monkey. of different shapes -- it's like an IQ test for a monkey.
236 00:13:23,929 00:13:25,931 I don't know what the fuck. I don't know what the fuck.
237 00:13:25,931 00:13:29,101 There's one hole has a picture of a cup, and the next one There's one hole has a picture of a cup, and the next one
238 00:13:29,101 00:13:33,063 is a picture of a cup that's a little different. is a picture of a cup that's a little different.
239 00:13:33,063 00:13:34,397 I'm standing there with a dead baby, I'm standing there with a dead baby,
240 00:13:34,397 00:13:38,276 I don't know where I'm supposed to... I don't know where I'm supposed to...
241 00:13:38,276 00:13:39,528 What am I suppose to do with that? What am I suppose to do with that?
242 00:13:39,528 00:13:41,572 It doesn't go in the newspapers slot, It doesn't go in the newspapers slot,
243 00:13:41,572 00:13:43,115 but otherwise, I don't know. but otherwise, I don't know.
244 00:13:47,494 00:13:49,454 I like cities, I don't like little places. I like cities, I don't like little places.
245 00:13:49,454 00:13:51,414 When I go to Europe, I go to the big cities. When I go to Europe, I go to the big cities.
246 00:13:51,414 00:13:53,333 Everybody tells you, "Don't go to Madrid. Everybody tells you, "Don't go to Madrid.
247 00:13:53,333 00:13:55,794 Yeah. Just go to Madrid for like a day. Yeah. Just go to Madrid for like a day.
248 00:13:55,794 00:13:58,506 And then you got to take a train and you have to go to And then you got to take a train and you have to go to
249 00:14:06,304 00:14:11,685 It's a beautiful little old village It's a beautiful little old village
250 00:14:11,685 00:14:13,937 and you're gonna love it." and you're gonna love it."
251 00:14:13,937 00:14:15,147 Fuck you, you don't know me. Fuck you, you don't know me.
252 00:14:15,147 00:14:17,816 I'm not going to love a village I'm not going to love a village
253 00:14:17,816 00:14:20,360 in Europe in Europe
254 00:14:20,360 00:14:25,073 with a bell that goes "pang," like, whenever, with a bell that goes "pang," like, whenever,
255 00:14:25,073 00:14:27,826 and a dog walking alone. and a dog walking alone.
256 00:14:32,289 00:14:34,583 I don't like cute little places. I don't like cute little places.
257 00:14:34,583 00:14:36,669 I don't like little towns in America either, I don't like little towns in America either,
258 00:14:36,669 00:14:38,211 with little shops. with little shops.
259 00:14:38,211 00:14:41,381 "Oh, look at that little shop! "Oh, look at that little shop!
260 00:14:41,381 00:14:45,844 Let's go in that little shop." Let's go in that little shop."
261 00:14:45,844 00:14:49,264 Nah, let's get a divorce. Isn't that a better idea? Nah, let's get a divorce. Isn't that a better idea?
262 00:14:49,264 00:14:53,435 You go in there, I'll just walk away. You go in there, I'll just walk away.
263 00:14:53,435 00:14:56,104 Just tell the kids I was a pilot and I got shot down. Just tell the kids I was a pilot and I got shot down.
264 00:15:00,442 00:15:01,819 I don't like little shops. I don't like little shops.
265 00:15:01,819 00:15:04,279 I'm uncomfortable in a little shop. I'm uncomfortable in a little shop.
266 00:15:04,279 00:15:07,533 You go in, it's like, "cli-li-ling-ling, You go in, it's like, "cli-li-ling-ling,
267 00:15:07,533 00:15:09,409 cli-li-ling." cli-li-ling."
268 00:15:13,664 00:15:15,123 Now it's just you and her. Now it's just you and her.
269 00:15:20,045 00:15:22,631 You're surrounded by her dream. You're surrounded by her dream.
270 00:15:27,344 00:15:29,471 And you can't just, "Ugh!" and leave! And you can't just, "Ugh!" and leave!
271 00:15:29,471 00:15:31,974 Well, you... Well, you...
272 00:15:31,974 00:15:35,268 She saw you, you have to go all the way in now She saw you, you have to go all the way in now
273 00:15:35,268 00:15:38,021 and look at all the little crafts that she made. and look at all the little crafts that she made.
274 00:15:53,704 00:15:55,998 You made this? Really? You made this? Really?
275 00:15:55,998 00:15:58,667 You made this instead of killing yourself? You made this instead of killing yourself?
276 00:16:09,094 00:16:10,638 I fucking wish I was that mean. I fucking wish I was that mean.
277 00:16:10,638 00:16:12,180 I really do. I really do.
278 00:16:12,180 00:16:14,349 All my fantasies are about being mean, All my fantasies are about being mean,
279 00:16:14,349 00:16:16,393 just having the balls just having the balls
280 00:16:16,393 00:16:18,521 to, like, walk in a little store like that and just go like, to, like, walk in a little store like that and just go like,
281 00:16:18,521 00:16:20,648 "Oh, I don't like this at all. "Oh, I don't like this at all.
282 00:16:20,648 00:16:22,608 I don't like it in here. Unh-uh. I don't like it in here. Unh-uh.
283 00:16:22,608 00:16:24,693 What's your name? Debbie? Fuck you, Debbie. What's your name? Debbie? Fuck you, Debbie.
284 00:16:24,693 00:16:26,361 I don't like your store. I don't like your store.
285 00:16:32,159 00:16:34,452 I was in Florida recently, I don't like Florida at all, I was in Florida recently, I don't like Florida at all,
286 00:16:34,452 00:16:37,748 it's a shit state full of shit people, that's what I think. it's a shit state full of shit people, that's what I think.
287 00:16:37,748 00:16:40,918 Hate Florida. I hate it. I hate the whole thing. Hate Florida. I hate it. I hate the whole thing.
288 00:16:40,918 00:16:42,670 The whole -- the entire -- The whole -- the entire --
289 00:16:42,670 00:16:44,296 it looks like -- it doesn't look like a dick. it looks like -- it doesn't look like a dick.
290 00:16:44,296 00:16:45,964 People say that; it looks like a shit coming out. People say that; it looks like a shit coming out.
291 00:16:45,964 00:16:49,134 If you look at it, it's like America's ass, If you look at it, it's like America's ass,
292 00:16:49,134 00:16:51,053 and it's a shit that's just -- and it's a shit that's just --
293 00:16:51,053 00:16:52,763 that you're trying to... that you're trying to...
294 00:16:52,763 00:16:54,932 And there's a little -- Cuba's like a little -- And there's a little -- Cuba's like a little --
295 00:16:54,932 00:16:57,392 Pbbt! That came first. Pbbt! That came first.
296 00:16:57,392 00:16:58,977 That's what I think of Florida. That's what I think of Florida.
297 00:16:58,977 00:17:00,688 Every time there's a hurricane, I'm like, Every time there's a hurricane, I'm like,
298 00:17:00,688 00:17:04,066 "Yeah, get 'em! Get 'em all, Melissa!" "Yeah, get 'em! Get 'em all, Melissa!"
299 00:17:04,066 00:17:07,778 No, I don't mean any of that. I was just funnin'. No, I don't mean any of that. I was just funnin'.
300 00:17:07,778 00:17:09,572 Just fun to pretend. Just fun to pretend.
301 00:17:13,075 00:17:15,327 I was in a sushi restaurant in Florida. I was in a sushi restaurant in Florida.
302 00:17:15,327 00:17:17,120 And it was empty -- you ever go in a restaurant And it was empty -- you ever go in a restaurant
303 00:17:17,120 00:17:18,413 and it's open, but it's -- and it's open, but it's --
304 00:17:18,413 00:17:20,248 you're literally the only person in there. you're literally the only person in there.
305 00:17:20,248 00:17:23,627 You walk in, the staff is like sitting at the tables, you know, You walk in, the staff is like sitting at the tables, you know,
306 00:17:23,627 00:17:25,212 and you walk in, you're like, "Are you open?" and you walk in, you're like, "Are you open?"
307 00:17:25,212 00:17:28,131 They're like, "Yeah." And you go, "Oh, good." They're like, "Yeah." And you go, "Oh, good."
308 00:17:28,131 00:17:30,593 And you -- and they're like, "Aww, pfft! And you -- and they're like, "Aww, pfft!
309 00:17:30,593 00:17:32,761 We gotta fire up the whole fuckin' restaurant We gotta fire up the whole fuckin' restaurant
310 00:17:32,761 00:17:36,139 for this one guy now?" for this one guy now?"
311 00:17:36,139 00:17:38,726 So I ordered a lot of sushi because I felt bad So I ordered a lot of sushi because I felt bad
312 00:17:38,726 00:17:40,603 for wasting their time, and, um... for wasting their time, and, um...
313 00:17:40,603 00:17:43,188 And I -- I didn't eat most of it And I -- I didn't eat most of it
314 00:17:43,188 00:17:44,773 because I don't like sushi. because I don't like sushi.
315 00:17:44,773 00:17:47,150 And, um -- so the waitress comes over. And, um -- so the waitress comes over.
316 00:17:47,150 00:17:52,447 She's Japanese and she says, "You no finish?" She's Japanese and she says, "You no finish?"
317 00:17:52,447 00:17:54,116 Which is what she said. I'm not... Which is what she said. I'm not...
318 00:17:56,827 00:17:59,287 It's just what she said, I can't... It's just what she said, I can't...
319 00:17:59,287 00:18:02,457 I'm not gonna change what she fucking said. I'm not gonna change what she fucking said.
320 00:18:02,457 00:18:04,167 I'm not gonna lie to ya and say that I'm not gonna lie to ya and say that
321 00:18:04,167 00:18:05,628 she said, "You're not going to finish that," she said, "You're not going to finish that,"
322 00:18:05,628 00:18:09,632 because it doesn't happen to be what she said. because it doesn't happen to be what she said.
323 00:18:09,632 00:18:12,134 And I have to do the accent because it's weird And I have to do the accent because it's weird
324 00:18:12,134 00:18:16,471 if I tell you she said, "You no finish?" if I tell you she said, "You no finish?"
325 00:18:16,471 00:18:19,182 So I'm stuck. So I'm stuck.
326 00:18:19,182 00:18:21,769 I'm just telling you what happened. I'm just telling you what happened.
327 00:18:21,769 00:18:25,105 She said, "You no finish?" She said, "You no finish?"
328 00:18:25,105 00:18:27,733 "Whoo, you no finish!" "Whoo, you no finish!"
329 00:18:30,318 00:18:32,487 That's exactly what she said. That's exactly what she said.
330 00:18:32,487 00:18:35,365 It's a perfect replica. It's a perfect replica.
331 00:18:39,077 00:18:41,747 No, it was subtle. No, it was subtle.
332 00:18:41,747 00:18:45,793 She said, "You no finish?" She said, "You no finish?"
333 00:18:45,793 00:18:50,422 And I said, "No, I no finish." And I said, "No, I no finish."
334 00:18:50,422 00:18:51,799 Because I think that's -- Because I think that's --
335 00:18:51,799 00:18:54,092 I think it's polite I think it's polite
336 00:18:54,092 00:18:57,179 to repeat people's bad English to them. to repeat people's bad English to them.
337 00:18:57,179 00:18:59,515 Otherwise, you're being a dick, it's like, "You no finish?" Otherwise, you're being a dick, it's like, "You no finish?"
338 00:18:59,515 00:19:01,934 No, I am not going to finish. No, I am not going to finish.
339 00:19:05,896 00:19:08,566 You left out a lot of words. You left out a lot of words.
340 00:19:11,985 00:19:14,530 I took the liberty of restoring them. I took the liberty of restoring them.
341 00:19:20,077 00:19:23,080 I was in upstate New York in a small town, I was in upstate New York in a small town,
342 00:19:23,080 00:19:26,291 and I was standing in front of a drugstore. and I was standing in front of a drugstore.
343 00:19:26,291 00:19:27,793 And in the window of the drugstore, And in the window of the drugstore,
344 00:19:27,793 00:19:32,089 they had a wheelchair on display in the window. they had a wheelchair on display in the window.
345 00:19:32,089 00:19:36,051 Is that really an impulse purchase? Is that really an impulse purchase?
346 00:19:38,804 00:19:41,431 "Hmm... "Hmm...
347 00:19:41,431 00:19:45,393 I should get a wheelchair. I should get a wheelchair.
348 00:19:45,393 00:19:48,063 That would really help That would really help
349 00:19:48,063 00:19:52,985 with my paralysis. with my paralysis.
350 00:19:52,985 00:19:56,655 Then I wouldn't have to drag myself Then I wouldn't have to drag myself
351 00:19:56,655 00:19:58,699 everywhere I go everywhere I go
352 00:19:58,699 00:20:01,994 like I've been doing for 10 years like I've been doing for 10 years
353 00:20:01,994 00:20:04,454 since my legs were blown off since my legs were blown off
354 00:20:04,454 00:20:06,456 at the marathon." at the marathon."
355 00:20:17,676 00:20:21,514 Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
356 00:20:21,514 00:20:24,099 Bunch of fuckin' hypocrites, apparently, Bunch of fuckin' hypocrites, apparently,
357 00:20:24,099 00:20:26,602 because let me point somethin' out to you. because let me point somethin' out to you.
358 00:20:26,602 00:20:29,563 Let me point somethin' out to you motherfuckers. Let me point somethin' out to you motherfuckers.
359 00:20:29,563 00:20:31,314 You are just, like, seconds ago, You are just, like, seconds ago,
360 00:20:31,314 00:20:36,654 laughing at a man with no legs crawling on the ground. laughing at a man with no legs crawling on the ground.
361 00:20:36,654 00:20:38,238 You're just -- You're just --
362 00:20:40,240 00:20:41,742 And then at the end, you're like, And then at the end, you're like,
363 00:20:41,742 00:20:46,038 "Oh, but not those particular legless people. "Oh, but not those particular legless people.
364 00:20:46,038 00:20:48,624 No! No!
365 00:20:48,624 00:20:50,208 We thought you meant just some asshole We thought you meant just some asshole
366 00:20:50,208 00:20:53,546 with a childhood disease with a childhood disease
367 00:20:53,546 00:20:56,507 who deserves to be laughed at. who deserves to be laughed at.
368 00:20:56,507 00:21:00,468 Not one of those." Not one of those."
369 00:21:00,468 00:21:05,265 No, we're laughing at all legless people equally. No, we're laughing at all legless people equally.
370 00:21:05,265 00:21:08,060 However you lost your legs: However you lost your legs:
371 00:21:08,060 00:21:11,605 Ha-ha-ha, Ha-ha-ha,
372 00:21:11,605 00:21:14,567 you haven't legs. you haven't legs.
373 00:21:17,027 00:21:19,279 And we've legs. And we've legs.
374 00:21:23,992 00:21:26,579 I have legs -- I have two legs. Two fucking legs -- I have legs -- I have two legs. Two fucking legs --
375 00:21:26,579 00:21:28,121 that's the maximum amount. that's the maximum amount.
376 00:21:28,121 00:21:31,959 Fuckin' love having two legs. Fuckin' love having two legs.
377 00:21:31,959 00:21:33,627 I fucking love it. I fucking love it.
378 00:21:33,627 00:21:34,878 I wouldn't like having no legs. I wouldn't like having no legs.
379 00:21:34,878 00:21:37,005 I really don't think I would like it. I really don't think I would like it.
380 00:21:37,005 00:21:38,674 I think it would suck. I think it would suck.
381 00:21:38,674 00:21:40,676 I think would suck shit out of the balls of Christ. I think would suck shit out of the balls of Christ.
382 00:21:43,554 00:21:45,263 It's an old Southern expression, it's not.... It's an old Southern expression, it's not....
383 00:21:45,263 00:21:48,058 Used like it used to be. Used like it used to be.
384 00:21:50,102 00:21:51,770 I think two legs is better than none. I think two legs is better than none.
385 00:21:51,770 00:21:53,146 That's what I think. That's what I think.
386 00:21:53,146 00:21:55,649 That's just my opinion. It's not popular. That's just my opinion. It's not popular.
387 00:21:55,649 00:21:57,359 You're not supposed to say that because you're supposed to You're not supposed to say that because you're supposed to
388 00:21:57,359 00:22:00,487 always be very positive about disabled people. always be very positive about disabled people.
389 00:22:00,487 00:22:03,323 But I think that puts pressure on them to be positive. But I think that puts pressure on them to be positive.
390 00:22:03,323 00:22:04,867 What if they don't want to be? What if they don't want to be?
391 00:22:04,867 00:22:06,744 Because the only story we want to hear is about Because the only story we want to hear is about
392 00:22:06,744 00:22:09,622 the amazing disabled people -- "He's amazing." the amazing disabled people -- "He's amazing."
393 00:22:09,622 00:22:13,125 "He lost his legs, then he won the leg having contest." "He lost his legs, then he won the leg having contest."
394 00:22:14,835 00:22:16,629 What about disabled people who aren't amazing, What about disabled people who aren't amazing,
395 00:22:16,629 00:22:18,463 who are just ordinary with a sweatshirt who are just ordinary with a sweatshirt
396 00:22:18,463 00:22:20,048 and some potato chips, and he's going, and some potato chips, and he's going,
397 00:22:20,048 00:22:22,300 "Fuck, I wish I had legs." "No! "Fuck, I wish I had legs." "No!
398 00:22:22,300 00:22:25,303 No, this is better! It's better with no legs." No, this is better! It's better with no legs."
399 00:22:25,303 00:22:27,389 "Why is it better?" Because you can do anything now. "Why is it better?" Because you can do anything now.
400 00:22:27,389 00:22:29,349 I can do four things. Fuck off. I can do four things. Fuck off.
401 00:22:32,019 00:22:34,813 I just don't know that our positive non-disabled I just don't know that our positive non-disabled
402 00:22:34,813 00:22:36,148 attitude really helps. attitude really helps.
403 00:22:36,148 00:22:37,858 Like retarded people -- let's -- Like retarded people -- let's --
404 00:22:37,858 00:22:41,319 we're gonna talk about retarded people for 20 minutes. we're gonna talk about retarded people for 20 minutes.
405 00:22:41,319 00:22:44,197 Just -- that's what's gonna happen. Just -- that's what's gonna happen.
406 00:22:44,197 00:22:47,618 We're going to discuss retarded people We're going to discuss retarded people
407 00:22:47,618 00:22:49,912 for 20 minutes. for 20 minutes.
408 00:22:49,912 00:22:52,372 It's not okay to not -- never speak of them. It's not okay to not -- never speak of them.
409 00:22:52,372 00:22:55,125 No, we're gonna talk about them. No, we're gonna talk about them.
410 00:22:55,125 00:22:56,669 First of all, I want -- First of all, I want --
411 00:22:56,669 00:22:58,170 mostly I wanna talk about the word "retarded." mostly I wanna talk about the word "retarded."
412 00:22:58,170 00:23:00,548 Okay? Because the word retarded, it's a bad word Okay? Because the word retarded, it's a bad word
413 00:23:00,548 00:23:02,758 and people do not like the word retarded, and people do not like the word retarded,
414 00:23:02,758 00:23:04,092 they find it very offensive. they find it very offensive.
415 00:23:04,092 00:23:05,719 Now, I'm a little confused by this Now, I'm a little confused by this
416 00:23:05,719 00:23:07,555 because it wasn't always a bad word. because it wasn't always a bad word.
417 00:23:07,555 00:23:10,140 And I grew up in the '70s and it wasn't bad back then. And I grew up in the '70s and it wasn't bad back then.
418 00:23:10,140 00:23:12,309 And you most bad words were always bad, you know. And you most bad words were always bad, you know.
419 00:23:12,309 00:23:14,394 "Cunt" never had a day in the sun. "Cunt" never had a day in the sun.
420 00:23:14,394 00:23:16,730 There was never a... There was never a...
421 00:23:16,730 00:23:18,857 a time where the Santa Clause of the mall was like, a time where the Santa Clause of the mall was like,
422 00:23:18,857 00:23:20,233 "C'mere, you little cunt. "C'mere, you little cunt.
423 00:23:20,233 00:23:21,569 Tell me what you want for Christmas." Tell me what you want for Christmas."
424 00:23:25,155 00:23:26,699 And then in the '90s, we're like, And then in the '90s, we're like,
425 00:23:26,699 00:23:29,868 "Let's lay off of 'cunt' a little bit there, gang." "Let's lay off of 'cunt' a little bit there, gang."
426 00:23:31,328 00:23:33,163 No, the word -- we used the word retarded No, the word -- we used the word retarded
427 00:23:33,163 00:23:34,497 in the '70s, in the '70s,
428 00:23:34,497 00:23:36,041 we used it to identify we used it to identify
429 00:23:36,041 00:23:38,502 people who were retarded. people who were retarded.
430 00:23:43,381 00:23:45,258 It wasn't controversial, it wasn't like -- It wasn't controversial, it wasn't like --
431 00:23:45,258 00:23:46,719 "He's retarded." "He's retarded."
432 00:23:46,719 00:23:48,011 It was like, "He is retarded." It was like, "He is retarded."
433 00:23:51,932 00:23:54,518 This fellow right here This fellow right here
434 00:23:54,518 00:23:56,061 is retarded, right? is retarded, right?
435 00:23:56,061 00:23:57,229 I told you, yes, you're still retarded. I told you, yes, you're still retarded.
436 00:23:57,229 00:23:59,940 He is retarded, everyone. He is retarded, everyone.
437 00:23:59,940 00:24:02,651 And I grew up in Boston. And I grew up in Boston.
438 00:24:02,651 00:24:04,695 We didn't say "retarded" in Boston. We didn't say "retarded" in Boston.
439 00:24:04,695 00:24:05,946 We said "re-tah-ded." We said "re-tah-ded."
440 00:24:05,946 00:24:09,032 "He's re-tah-ded." "He's re-tah-ded."
441 00:24:09,032 00:24:12,452 "God bless him, he's fuckin' re-tah-ded." "God bless him, he's fuckin' re-tah-ded."
442 00:24:16,331 00:24:18,166 That's the way we used it! That's the way we used it!
443 00:24:18,166 00:24:20,628 Help the retarded. Help the retarded.
444 00:24:20,628 00:24:22,755 That's what people said in the '70s. That's what people said in the '70s.
445 00:24:22,755 00:24:24,381 "Help the retarded." "Help the retarded."
446 00:24:24,381 00:24:26,299 There was a lady outside the supermarket near my house There was a lady outside the supermarket near my house
447 00:24:26,299 00:24:27,843 every Christmas with a bell, she was like, every Christmas with a bell, she was like,
448 00:24:27,843 00:24:30,721 "Help the retarded! "Help the retarded!
449 00:24:30,721 00:24:33,265 Help the fucking retarded!" Help the fucking retarded!"
450 00:24:35,893 00:24:38,896 You gonna tell me she was a bad person? You gonna tell me she was a bad person?
451 00:24:38,896 00:24:40,773 She was helpin' the retarded. She was helpin' the retarded.
452 00:24:42,983 00:24:45,027 And I feel like we had more of them around back then. And I feel like we had more of them around back then.
453 00:24:45,027 00:24:47,154 I haven't seen one in years. I haven't seen one in years.
454 00:24:47,154 00:24:49,990 In the '70s, there was a retarded guy in a windbreaker In the '70s, there was a retarded guy in a windbreaker
455 00:24:49,990 00:24:52,117 on every street corner. on every street corner.
456 00:24:55,162 00:24:58,081 They -- we were using the word and they were more in our lives. They -- we were using the word and they were more in our lives.
457 00:24:58,081 00:25:00,083 I swear to God, they were more. I swear to God, they were more.
458 00:25:00,083 00:25:02,085 They were in our culture. They were in our culture.
459 00:25:02,085 00:25:04,963 There was TV movies about retarded people all the time. There was TV movies about retarded people all the time.
460 00:25:04,963 00:25:09,718 "Tonight on ABC, 'A Retarded Boy's Dream'." "Tonight on ABC, 'A Retarded Boy's Dream'."
461 00:25:09,718 00:25:11,428 There was one I remember with Shaun Cassidy, There was one I remember with Shaun Cassidy,
462 00:25:11,428 00:25:13,305 I don't know if you remember Shaun Cassidy, I don't know if you remember Shaun Cassidy,
463 00:25:13,305 00:25:15,558 some of you are too young, but Shaun Cassidy, some of you are too young, but Shaun Cassidy,
464 00:25:15,558 00:25:18,519 he began his career as a teen pop idol. he began his career as a teen pop idol.
465 00:25:18,519 00:25:21,229 He was a 13 year old boy with a very hit song He was a 13 year old boy with a very hit song
466 00:25:21,229 00:25:23,190 called "Da Doo Ron Ron." called "Da Doo Ron Ron."
467 00:25:23,190 00:25:27,945 And he had feathered blond hair and juicy lips. And he had feathered blond hair and juicy lips.
468 00:25:27,945 00:25:31,782 He was on the cover of Teen Beat magazine, like... He was on the cover of Teen Beat magazine, like...
469 00:25:31,782 00:25:33,366 And everybody likes Shaun Cassidy And everybody likes Shaun Cassidy
470 00:25:33,366 00:25:34,743 'cause he was sexy. 'cause he was sexy.
471 00:25:34,743 00:25:35,786 Was a sexy boy. Was a sexy boy.
472 00:25:35,786 00:25:37,621 I thought he was sexy. I thought he was sexy.
473 00:25:37,621 00:25:38,956 I -- I thought he was really sexy. I -- I thought he was really sexy.
474 00:25:38,956 00:25:41,124 I was six years old, I was six years old,
475 00:25:41,124 00:25:43,085 but I already had inappropriate sex feelings but I already had inappropriate sex feelings
476 00:25:43,085 00:25:46,296 for teenage boys when I was six. for teenage boys when I was six.
477 00:25:46,296 00:25:48,674 I was an old soul. I was an old soul.
478 00:25:48,674 00:25:52,511 I was -- I was --
479 00:25:52,511 00:25:54,888 I was a pedophile when I was six. I was a pedophile when I was six.
480 00:25:57,057 00:25:58,934 I used to go up to teenage boys when I was six, I used to go up to teenage boys when I was six,
481 00:25:58,934 00:26:02,145 I was like, "Hey, how's it going?" I was like, "Hey, how's it going?"
482 00:26:02,145 00:26:04,481 That kid's weird, he's got a boner. That kid's weird, he's got a boner.
483 00:26:07,192 00:26:08,694 Anyway.. Anyway..
484 00:26:08,694 00:26:11,196 Not anymore, I outgrew it, Not anymore, I outgrew it,
485 00:26:11,196 00:26:13,406 but, uh... but, uh...
486 00:26:13,406 00:26:15,200 No. No.
487 00:26:15,200 00:26:18,996 I'm not -- I'm not sexually attracted to teenage boys. I'm not -- I'm not sexually attracted to teenage boys.
488 00:26:18,996 00:26:21,832 I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
489 00:26:21,832 00:26:24,710 But I don't not get it. I mean, I -- But I don't not get it. I mean, I --
490 00:26:24,710 00:26:27,337 I get it. I get it.
491 00:26:27,337 00:26:31,717 I'm not like, "What?!" Like... I'm not like, "What?!" Like...
492 00:26:31,717 00:26:34,928 You can see it. You can see it.
493 00:26:34,928 00:26:36,680 Like, I was in an airport once Like, I was in an airport once
494 00:26:36,680 00:26:39,224 and I'm walking along where people walk in the airport, and I'm walking along where people walk in the airport,
495 00:26:39,224 00:26:41,727 and there was these chairs facing the aisle, and there was these chairs facing the aisle,
496 00:26:41,727 00:26:43,186 and there is this family sitting there, and there is this family sitting there,
497 00:26:43,186 00:26:45,898 a mom and a dad and two teenage boys. a mom and a dad and two teenage boys.
498 00:26:45,898 00:26:47,900 And they're, like, just both sitting with their phones And they're, like, just both sitting with their phones
499 00:26:47,900 00:26:49,442 with their legs -- they were wearing, like, with their legs -- they were wearing, like,
500 00:26:49,442 00:26:51,444 these shorts -- one had cutoff shorts these shorts -- one had cutoff shorts
501 00:26:51,444 00:26:53,446 and one had basketball shorts. and one had basketball shorts.
502 00:26:53,446 00:26:54,782 And they both just had their legs open And they both just had their legs open
503 00:26:54,782 00:26:55,908 'cause they don't give a fuck, 'cause they don't give a fuck,
504 00:26:55,908 00:26:58,827 both legs just splayed. both legs just splayed.
505 00:26:58,827 00:27:00,788 And then just this -- just smooth. And then just this -- just smooth.
506 00:27:00,788 00:27:03,749 You know, just very... You know, just very...
507 00:27:03,749 00:27:07,335 And I saw it. And I saw it.
508 00:27:07,335 00:27:10,881 Didn't give me a -- didn't do anything to me, Didn't give me a -- didn't do anything to me,
509 00:27:10,881 00:27:13,050 but I kind of wanted to stop and go, but I kind of wanted to stop and go,
510 00:27:13,050 00:27:16,053 "Hey, fellows, let's -- let's close that shit up, huh? "Hey, fellows, let's -- let's close that shit up, huh?
511 00:27:16,053 00:27:17,555 You're not getting me, but I know you're causing You're not getting me, but I know you're causing
512 00:27:17,555 00:27:21,141 a problem for somebody in this airport. a problem for somebody in this airport.
513 00:27:21,141 00:27:22,726 Let's close it up." Let's close it up."
514 00:27:25,563 00:27:27,480 I did not say that... I did not say that...
515 00:27:27,480 00:27:29,232 Otherwise I wouldn't be here. Otherwise I wouldn't be here.
516 00:27:33,779 00:27:36,031 Anyway, let's return to the comfortable subject Anyway, let's return to the comfortable subject
517 00:27:36,031 00:27:37,825 of retarded people, shall we? of retarded people, shall we?
518 00:27:42,370 00:27:45,958 Shaun Cassidy was a teen singer Shaun Cassidy was a teen singer
519 00:27:45,958 00:27:48,293 who then grew up -- he was about 18 -- who then grew up -- he was about 18 --
520 00:27:48,293 00:27:51,296 he was, you know, old and gross. nobody wanted to fuck him. he was, you know, old and gross. nobody wanted to fuck him.
521 00:27:51,296 00:27:54,299 So he started to act, and he had So he started to act, and he had
522 00:27:54,299 00:27:57,511 a movie on TV called "Normal People," a movie on TV called "Normal People,"
523 00:27:57,511 00:27:58,929 where he played a retarded man where he played a retarded man
524 00:27:58,929 00:28:00,598 who wants to live a normal life -- who wants to live a normal life --
525 00:28:00,598 00:28:02,057 it was very inspiring, actually. it was very inspiring, actually.
526 00:28:02,057 00:28:03,517 And at one point he goes to -- And at one point he goes to --
527 00:28:03,517 00:28:05,435 he didn't do, like, a big retarded character. he didn't do, like, a big retarded character.
528 00:28:05,435 00:28:07,437 He wore thick glasses, he talked like Elmer Fudd. He wore thick glasses, he talked like Elmer Fudd.
529 00:28:07,437 00:28:09,064 That was the whole thing. That was the whole thing.
530 00:28:09,064 00:28:11,149 So he goes up to the guy who runs the group home So he goes up to the guy who runs the group home
531 00:28:11,149 00:28:13,777 he lives in and he says, "I want to get a job." he lives in and he says, "I want to get a job."
532 00:28:13,777 00:28:15,904 And the guys who runs it is like, And the guys who runs it is like,
533 00:28:15,904 00:28:17,656 you know, Republican, conservative. you know, Republican, conservative.
534 00:28:17,656 00:28:19,617 So he's like, "You can get a job, So he's like, "You can get a job,
535 00:28:19,617 00:28:22,160 you're retarded!" You know. you're retarded!" You know.
536 00:28:25,748 00:28:28,125 But -- but then there's a liberal lady who works there But -- but then there's a liberal lady who works there
537 00:28:28,125 00:28:31,879 and she says, "Of course he can get a job. and she says, "Of course he can get a job.
538 00:28:31,879 00:28:34,632 He's as good as anyone!" He's as good as anyone!"
539 00:28:36,717 00:28:38,468 So they let him get a job So they let him get a job
540 00:28:38,468 00:28:39,970 as an air traffic controller as an air traffic controller
541 00:28:39,970 00:28:41,597 or whatever was available. or whatever was available.
542 00:28:41,597 00:28:43,849 And then... And then...
543 00:28:46,769 00:28:48,311 He meets a woman who's also retarded, He meets a woman who's also retarded,
544 00:28:48,311 00:28:50,022 who lives at the group home. who lives at the group home.
545 00:28:50,022 00:28:51,982 He falls in love with her. It's a very nice love story. He falls in love with her. It's a very nice love story.
546 00:28:51,982 00:28:54,401 And he says, "We want to get married." And he says, "We want to get married."
547 00:28:54,401 00:28:57,154 And the guy says, "Brr!" And the guy says, "Brr!"
548 00:28:57,154 00:28:59,573 She says, "But they're in love!" She says, "But they're in love!"
549 00:28:59,573 00:29:01,199 So they get married. So they get married.
550 00:29:01,199 00:29:04,452 And then one day he says, "We want to have a baby." And then one day he says, "We want to have a baby."
551 00:29:04,452 00:29:05,538 And the liberal lady says, And the liberal lady says,
552 00:29:05,538 00:29:07,540 "No fucking way." "No fucking way."
553 00:29:09,833 00:29:12,878 And they just shut them down right there. And they just shut them down right there.
554 00:29:12,878 00:29:14,797 And that's the end of the movie. And that's the end of the movie.
555 00:29:14,797 00:29:18,634 I swear to God, that's just how it ends. I swear to God, that's just how it ends.
556 00:29:18,634 00:29:20,719 And the point of the movie is just, you know, And the point of the movie is just, you know,
557 00:29:20,719 00:29:22,555 hey, there's a limit -- like, that's, I guess, hey, there's a limit -- like, that's, I guess,
558 00:29:22,555 00:29:25,849 what the point of it was. what the point of it was.
559 00:29:25,849 00:29:28,351 And that's pretty intense. And that's pretty intense.
560 00:29:28,351 00:29:30,604 But, hey, retarded people were on television, But, hey, retarded people were on television,
561 00:29:30,604 00:29:32,815 we were talking about it, we were dealing with it -- we were talking about it, we were dealing with it --
562 00:29:32,815 00:29:36,359 and they said the word retarded about 50,000 times in the movie. and they said the word retarded about 50,000 times in the movie.
563 00:29:36,359 00:29:38,571 Now, we don't say the word and I don't see 'em anywhere. Now, we don't say the word and I don't see 'em anywhere.
564 00:29:38,571 00:29:40,072 I guess that's my problem with it. I guess that's my problem with it.
565 00:29:40,072 00:29:43,366 And also, the word is not basically a bad word. And also, the word is not basically a bad word.
566 00:29:43,366 00:29:47,287 It's a medical term, but it became a bad word It's a medical term, but it became a bad word
567 00:29:47,287 00:29:49,790 because it's used as an insult, really -- because it's used as an insult, really --
568 00:29:49,790 00:29:51,584 not towards retarded people. not towards retarded people.
569 00:29:51,584 00:29:53,711 Nobody does that. Nobody does that.
570 00:29:53,711 00:29:56,839 Nobody calls retarded people retarded to insult them. Nobody calls retarded people retarded to insult them.
571 00:29:56,839 00:29:59,550 What would be the point of that? What would be the point of that?
572 00:29:59,550 00:30:01,009 That would be like going up to a chair That would be like going up to a chair
573 00:30:01,009 00:30:02,761 and saying, "You're fuckin chair!" and saying, "You're fuckin chair!"
574 00:30:02,761 00:30:06,348 Like, what are you doing? Like, what are you doing?
575 00:30:06,348 00:30:07,850 No. No.
576 00:30:07,850 00:30:09,309 People use it on their friends, People use it on their friends,
577 00:30:09,309 00:30:10,686 like, you're at a bar, your friend's like, like, you're at a bar, your friend's like,
578 00:30:10,686 00:30:13,063 "I don't have any more money for beer," "I don't have any more money for beer,"
579 00:30:13,063 00:30:17,651 and you're like, "You're fucking retarded, you know that?" and you're like, "You're fucking retarded, you know that?"
580 00:30:17,651 00:30:20,613 And in that moment, no one retarded is insulted. And in that moment, no one retarded is insulted.
581 00:30:20,613 00:30:24,282 They're not. Do you know why? Because they're not there! They're not. Do you know why? Because they're not there!
582 00:30:24,282 00:30:26,910 'Cause we don't include them in our lives. 'Cause we don't include them in our lives.
583 00:30:26,910 00:30:28,704 They're not at the bar -- They're not at the bar --
584 00:30:28,704 00:30:30,873 How many of you have a retarded drinking buddy How many of you have a retarded drinking buddy
585 00:30:30,873 00:30:32,499 that you hang out with? that you hang out with?
586 00:30:34,835 00:30:37,087 No, you take 'em to the zoo when they're little him No, you take 'em to the zoo when they're little him
587 00:30:37,087 00:30:38,672 and then fuck 'em. and then fuck 'em.
588 00:30:42,843 00:30:45,303 This is what I find confusing about this thing, This is what I find confusing about this thing,
589 00:30:45,303 00:30:47,890 is that we told many generations of people is that we told many generations of people
590 00:30:47,890 00:30:49,683 that they are retarded. that they are retarded.
591 00:30:49,683 00:30:51,434 We told them that that's what they are and they lived with it, We told them that that's what they are and they lived with it,
592 00:30:51,434 00:30:53,979 and they dealt with it, and then we just decided it's a bad word. and they dealt with it, and then we just decided it's a bad word.
593 00:30:53,979 00:30:56,732 So did we tell them this? So did we tell them this?
594 00:30:56,732 00:30:59,735 Did we go back to them and explain this to them? Did we go back to them and explain this to them?
595 00:30:59,735 00:31:02,070 "Listen, Nelson, I have somethin' to tell you, "Listen, Nelson, I have somethin' to tell you,
596 00:31:02,070 00:31:05,616 you're not retarded anymore." you're not retarded anymore."
597 00:31:05,616 00:31:07,284 "You mean I'm cured?" "You mean I'm cured?"
598 00:31:07,284 00:31:11,496 "No! No, no. "No! No, no.
599 00:31:11,496 00:31:14,291 Nah, we're not even working on it." Nah, we're not even working on it."
600 00:31:30,933 00:31:32,768 Anyway, I've been traveling. Anyway, I've been traveling.
601 00:31:37,480 00:31:39,066 I went to France last year I went to France last year
602 00:31:39,066 00:31:40,734 because I thought I should leave the nation -- because I thought I should leave the nation --
603 00:31:40,734 00:31:43,195 felt like a good idea. felt like a good idea.
604 00:31:43,195 00:31:45,197 Would have left the planet if they had another one of those. Would have left the planet if they had another one of those.
605 00:31:45,197 00:31:46,740 But... But...
606 00:31:46,740 00:31:48,408 When I went to France, I had a great time. When I went to France, I had a great time.
607 00:31:48,408 00:31:50,410 I fell in love. I met a woman. I fell in love in France. I fell in love. I met a woman. I fell in love in France.
608 00:31:50,410 00:31:51,787 And we've been together since then. And we've been together since then.
609 00:31:51,787 00:31:54,247 It's been nice. It's been nice.
610 00:31:54,247 00:31:56,083 Yeah, okay, it's nice having a girlfriend Yeah, okay, it's nice having a girlfriend
611 00:31:56,083 00:31:58,251 from another country because you learn a lot about that country. from another country because you learn a lot about that country.
612 00:31:58,251 00:31:59,795 I learn a lot about France from being with her. I learn a lot about France from being with her.
613 00:31:59,795 00:32:01,630 I never knew these things about -- like, one time I never knew these things about -- like, one time
614 00:32:01,630 00:32:03,757 she was sick, and I was taking care of her, she was sick, and I was taking care of her,
615 00:32:03,757 00:32:05,133 so I gave her -- she had a fever. so I gave her -- she had a fever.
616 00:32:05,133 00:32:06,552 I gave her a thermometer I gave her a thermometer
617 00:32:06,552 00:32:08,428 and she put it in her asshole. and she put it in her asshole.
618 00:32:13,559 00:32:16,604 Never seen that before; turns out the whole country, Never seen that before; turns out the whole country,
619 00:32:16,604 00:32:22,317 all of France, puts thermometers in their assholes. all of France, puts thermometers in their assholes.
620 00:32:22,317 00:32:25,320 And they don't put their eggs in the fridge. And they don't put their eggs in the fridge.
621 00:32:25,320 00:32:28,323 They have no respect for temperature in either direction. They have no respect for temperature in either direction.
622 00:32:31,994 00:32:33,370 I'd never -- I was like, I'd never -- I was like,
623 00:32:33,370 00:32:35,623 why are you putting it in your asshole? why are you putting it in your asshole?
624 00:32:35,623 00:32:37,165 She said, "You don't do this? She said, "You don't do this?
625 00:32:37,165 00:32:42,755 You don't put here in America?" You don't put here in America?"
626 00:32:42,755 00:32:46,049 I said, "No, we don't put a glass thermometer I said, "No, we don't put a glass thermometer
627 00:32:46,049 00:32:49,386 filled with mercury in our anuses... filled with mercury in our anuses...
628 00:32:49,386 00:32:51,179 You fucking savage." You fucking savage."
629 00:32:55,017 00:32:58,521 Well, we do it to babies and dogs Well, we do it to babies and dogs
630 00:32:58,521 00:33:02,024 'cause they can't talk. 'cause they can't talk.
631 00:33:02,024 00:33:03,734 Every American baby's first words is, Every American baby's first words is,
632 00:33:03,734 00:33:05,903 "Get that fucking thing out of my asshole." "Get that fucking thing out of my asshole."
633 00:33:09,281 00:33:11,992 You ever take your dog's temperature? You ever take your dog's temperature?
634 00:33:11,992 00:33:14,327 You have to hold your dog's ass still, You have to hold your dog's ass still,
635 00:33:14,327 00:33:16,830 and then you slip it in there and then you slip it in there
636 00:33:16,830 00:33:20,375 and your dog looks to you like, "Why would you do that?! and your dog looks to you like, "Why would you do that?!
637 00:33:20,375 00:33:22,377 Why would you do that to me?!" Why would you do that to me?!"
638 00:33:25,756 00:33:29,635 And you're like, "I could never explain it to you, And you're like, "I could never explain it to you,
639 00:33:29,635 00:33:31,845 but I need to hold it here for 60 seconds." but I need to hold it here for 60 seconds."
640 00:33:37,142 00:33:38,351 Dogs are so dumb, Dogs are so dumb,
641 00:33:38,351 00:33:40,813 it's fucking tragic. it's fucking tragic.
642 00:33:40,813 00:33:43,190 It's sad how dumb they are. It's sad how dumb they are.
643 00:33:43,190 00:33:46,068 They're in our lives and they know nothing They're in our lives and they know nothing
644 00:33:46,068 00:33:48,654 about what's happening. about what's happening.
645 00:33:48,654 00:33:49,905 You ever been having, like, You ever been having, like,
646 00:33:49,905 00:33:51,406 a dramatic moment in your family, a dramatic moment in your family,
647 00:33:51,406 00:33:53,325 like, you're in the living room telling the kids like, you're in the living room telling the kids
648 00:33:53,325 00:33:56,078 that grandma died, and everybody's crying, that grandma died, and everybody's crying,
649 00:33:56,078 00:33:57,495 and the dog's sitting there like... and the dog's sitting there like...
650 00:34:04,086 00:34:08,131 "I know you! Ha!" "I know you! Ha!"
651 00:34:08,131 00:34:10,008 They're so stupid! They're so stupid!
652 00:34:10,008 00:34:12,803 Incredibly stupid animals. Incredibly stupid animals.
653 00:34:12,803 00:34:14,304 They don't even know their own lives, they don't even -- They don't even know their own lives, they don't even --
654 00:34:14,304 00:34:17,099 they can't even handle their own lives mentally. they can't even handle their own lives mentally.
655 00:34:17,099 00:34:19,267 You ever throw a ball for your dog You ever throw a ball for your dog
656 00:34:19,267 00:34:21,019 and your dog gets the ball and brings it, and your dog gets the ball and brings it,
657 00:34:21,019 00:34:22,062 and then you throw the ball again, and then you throw the ball again,
658 00:34:22,062 00:34:23,522 and the dog brings it. and the dog brings it.
659 00:34:23,522 00:34:24,732 And then one of the times you throw the ball, And then one of the times you throw the ball,
660 00:34:24,732 00:34:26,567 the dog looks at you like, the dog looks at you like,
661 00:34:26,567 00:34:28,569 "I didn't see what happened. "I didn't see what happened.
662 00:34:28,569 00:34:31,530 I'm sorry, I... I'm sorry, I...
663 00:34:31,530 00:34:35,158 I don't know anything now. Please help." I don't know anything now. Please help."
664 00:34:35,158 00:34:37,410 So you point at the ball, "There it is, right there. So you point at the ball, "There it is, right there.
665 00:34:37,410 00:34:38,746 It's right there." It's right there."
666 00:34:38,746 00:34:41,289 And the dog just looks at your finger And the dog just looks at your finger
667 00:34:41,289 00:34:45,252 'cause there's just no way he's gonna get this concept 'cause there's just no way he's gonna get this concept
668 00:34:45,252 00:34:47,546 that there's an invisible line... that there's an invisible line...
669 00:34:50,007 00:34:52,968 ...that he can follow with his imagination. ...that he can follow with his imagination.
670 00:34:56,889 00:34:58,306 I have a great dog. I have a great dog.
671 00:34:58,306 00:34:59,725 I've got a dog last year. She's a great dog. I've got a dog last year. She's a great dog.
672 00:34:59,725 00:35:01,560 I did not adopt her, I'll be honest with you. I did not adopt her, I'll be honest with you.
673 00:35:01,560 00:35:03,270 I bought her with money. I bought her with money.
674 00:35:03,270 00:35:05,564 That's the truth. That's the truth.
675 00:35:05,564 00:35:07,525 People always ask me when I walk my dog in New York, People always ask me when I walk my dog in New York,
676 00:35:07,525 00:35:09,234 "That's a beautiful dog. Is she a rescue?" "That's a beautiful dog. Is she a rescue?"
677 00:35:09,234 00:35:10,485 I'm like, "No, she's very expensive. I'm like, "No, she's very expensive.
678 00:35:10,485 00:35:12,070 Please don't touch her." Please don't touch her."
679 00:35:15,240 00:35:17,535 I did rescue a dog last year, I did rescue a dog last year,
680 00:35:17,535 00:35:20,913 and it bit everyone in my life, and it bit everyone in my life,
681 00:35:20,913 00:35:23,456 so I un-rescued it, so I un-rescued it,
682 00:35:23,456 00:35:25,501 and I bought a dog that works. and I bought a dog that works.
683 00:35:29,713 00:35:31,674 In New York, everybody rescues their dogs, In New York, everybody rescues their dogs,
684 00:35:31,674 00:35:36,011 like, "I rescued this dog. I rescued her. like, "I rescued this dog. I rescued her.
685 00:35:36,011 00:35:39,056 She has no eyes She has no eyes
686 00:35:39,056 00:35:42,225 and she's dead. and she's dead.
687 00:35:44,352 00:35:46,354 I hate New York, I really do -- I used to love New York, I hate New York, I really do -- I used to love New York,
688 00:35:46,354 00:35:47,898 but I hate it now, I really -- but I hate it now, I really --
689 00:35:47,898 00:35:49,441 I'd rather be in Auschwitz than in New York City. I'd rather be in Auschwitz than in New York City.
690 00:35:49,441 00:35:51,151 Honestly, I would. Honestly, I would.
691 00:35:51,151 00:35:53,696 I mean -- I mean Auschwitz now. I mean -- I mean Auschwitz now.
692 00:35:53,696 00:35:55,948 I mean, today Auschwitz. I mean, today Auschwitz.
693 00:35:55,948 00:35:58,366 Not back when it was open. Not back when it was open.
694 00:35:58,366 00:36:01,078 I mean, now -- it's nice now. I mean, now -- it's nice now.
695 00:36:01,078 00:36:03,288 There's a gift shop. There's a gift shop.
696 00:36:03,288 00:36:04,957 People go there on purpose. People go there on purpose.
697 00:36:04,957 00:36:06,709 They buy tickets. They buy tickets.
698 00:36:06,709 00:36:08,376 I think that's weird... I think that's weird...
699 00:36:08,376 00:36:10,921 That people buy tickets to Auschwitz. That people buy tickets to Auschwitz.
700 00:36:10,921 00:36:12,380 That's weird. That's weird.
701 00:36:12,380 00:36:14,382 If you could have told those people back then, If you could have told those people back then,
702 00:36:14,382 00:36:16,635 "People are going to buy tickets to come here. "People are going to buy tickets to come here.
703 00:36:22,182 00:36:25,603 Wrap your head around that. Wrap your head around that.
704 00:36:25,603 00:36:27,938 Jew." Jew."
705 00:36:27,938 00:36:29,732 That's -- All right. I'm sorry. That's -- All right. I'm sorry.
706 00:36:29,732 00:36:32,568 I'm sorry, never again, I promise. I'm sorry, never again, I promise.
707 00:36:35,320 00:36:37,405 That's what we say about the Holocaust: Never again, That's what we say about the Holocaust: Never again,
708 00:36:37,405 00:36:39,199 'cause they killed six million Jews. 'cause they killed six million Jews.
709 00:36:39,199 00:36:40,784 If they only killed, like, 10,000, If they only killed, like, 10,000,
710 00:36:40,784 00:36:43,996 would it be like, "Okay, two more times, would it be like, "Okay, two more times,
711 00:36:43,996 00:36:49,251 and then taper off because it's a little much." and then taper off because it's a little much."
712 00:36:49,251 00:36:50,836 I'll tell you, I went to Auschwitz -- I'll tell you, I went to Auschwitz --
713 00:36:50,836 00:36:52,420 this is a true story, I actually did go to Auschwitz this is a true story, I actually did go to Auschwitz
714 00:36:52,420 00:36:55,633 because I was doing shows in Poland because I was doing shows in Poland
715 00:36:55,633 00:36:58,844 because I had to go to Poland to do shows. because I had to go to Poland to do shows.
716 00:36:58,844 00:37:00,053 So... So...
717 00:37:00,053 00:37:04,767 So... So...
718 00:37:04,767 00:37:06,894 I was in Krakow. I was in Krakow.
719 00:37:06,894 00:37:08,521 I was in Krakow, so I went to the camp, I was in Krakow, so I went to the camp,
720 00:37:08,521 00:37:10,272 and I went there because of a very personal reason -- and I went there because of a very personal reason --
721 00:37:10,272 00:37:12,941 because I had family there, I had a lot of family there. because I had family there, I had a lot of family there.
722 00:37:12,941 00:37:14,735 Forty-four members of my family were in Auschwitz Forty-four members of my family were in Auschwitz
723 00:37:14,735 00:37:16,361 during World War II. during World War II.
724 00:37:16,361 00:37:19,114 I mean, they were guards, they worked there. I mean, they were guards, they worked there.
725 00:37:19,114 00:37:20,908 No, no, no, no. They were Jews and they died. No, no, no, no. They were Jews and they died.
726 00:37:20,908 00:37:22,826 It's okay. Don't be offended. It's okay. Don't be offended.
727 00:37:22,826 00:37:25,328 It's true. It's true.
728 00:37:25,328 00:37:27,330 We lost the whole family there, everybody -- We lost the whole family there, everybody --
729 00:37:27,330 00:37:29,082 the whole -- because we were Hungarian Jews. the whole -- because we were Hungarian Jews.
730 00:37:29,082 00:37:31,960 My grandfather on my father's side, My grandfather on my father's side,
731 00:37:31,960 00:37:34,630 he's the only one who made it; the rest them, all 44 of them, he's the only one who made it; the rest them, all 44 of them,
732 00:37:34,630 00:37:38,466 went to Auschwitz, which I think they really regretted. went to Auschwitz, which I think they really regretted.
733 00:37:38,466 00:37:40,135 But that's -- that's what happened, But that's -- that's what happened,
734 00:37:40,135 00:37:42,470 because the Hungarians sent all their Jews to -- because the Hungarians sent all their Jews to --
735 00:37:42,470 00:37:44,097 They didn't -- they weren't even occupied, Hungary, They didn't -- they weren't even occupied, Hungary,
736 00:37:44,097 00:37:46,934 they're just like, "Yeah, take -- take our Jews." they're just like, "Yeah, take -- take our Jews."
737 00:37:46,934 00:37:48,310 And they sent my whole family there. And they sent my whole family there.
738 00:37:48,310 00:37:49,645 And they were all -- died in Auschwitz, And they were all -- died in Auschwitz,
739 00:37:49,645 00:37:51,104 all except for him. all except for him.
740 00:37:51,104 00:37:52,815 My grandfather's the only one who made it. My grandfather's the only one who made it.
741 00:37:52,815 00:37:54,983 Because he got the fuck out of there Because he got the fuck out of there
742 00:37:54,983 00:37:57,360 before it started -- in the late '20s, before it started -- in the late '20s,
743 00:37:57,360 00:38:00,906 he fucking smelled that shit and he got the fuck out. he fucking smelled that shit and he got the fuck out.
744 00:38:00,906 00:38:03,366 And he went to Mexico. He migrated to Mexico. And he went to Mexico. He migrated to Mexico.
745 00:38:03,366 00:38:05,035 And we found his immigration card. And we found his immigration card.
746 00:38:05,035 00:38:07,370 My uncle and I did the family history and we found it. My uncle and I did the family history and we found it.
747 00:38:07,370 00:38:09,081 It says, "Nationality: Hungarian," It says, "Nationality: Hungarian,"
748 00:38:09,081 00:38:12,585 and it says, "Religion: Catholic." and it says, "Religion: Catholic."
749 00:38:12,585 00:38:14,336 And there's a picture of him like. And there's a picture of him like.
750 00:38:17,756 00:38:19,883 He's like, "Fuck it, they don't know what a Jew looks like He's like, "Fuck it, they don't know what a Jew looks like
751 00:38:19,883 00:38:23,929 in Mexico -- that's where I'm going!" in Mexico -- that's where I'm going!"
752 00:38:23,929 00:38:25,681 And that's why I'm alive, because he made that choice. And that's why I'm alive, because he made that choice.
753 00:38:25,681 00:38:27,850 It's also why I'm not Jewish, It's also why I'm not Jewish,
754 00:38:27,850 00:38:31,144 'cause he was like, "Jew-schmoo, we're not fucking Jewish. 'cause he was like, "Jew-schmoo, we're not fucking Jewish.
755 00:38:31,144 00:38:34,272 Somos catolicas." Somos catolicas."
756 00:38:34,272 00:38:38,193 That was my abuelito. That was my abuelito.
757 00:38:38,193 00:38:39,945 Became a fuckin' Mexican fast. Became a fuckin' Mexican fast.
758 00:38:39,945 00:38:42,615 That's what happened, that's how he made it. That's what happened, that's how he made it.
759 00:38:42,615 00:38:44,617 Was a fascinating guy, my grandfather. Was a fascinating guy, my grandfather.
760 00:38:44,617 00:38:47,119 His name was Geza. That was his name. His name was Geza. That was his name.
761 00:38:47,119 00:38:52,165 And he had a brother named Geza. And he had a brother named Geza.
762 00:38:52,165 00:38:54,960 It's weird, but I looked it up, and here's what happened: It's weird, but I looked it up, and here's what happened:
763 00:38:54,960 00:38:57,963 His parents had a baby and they named it Geza, His parents had a baby and they named it Geza,
764 00:38:57,963 00:38:59,590 and it died -- the baby died. and it died -- the baby died.
765 00:38:59,590 00:39:02,050 So they had another one and they just said, So they had another one and they just said,
766 00:39:02,050 00:39:03,594 "Fuck it, Geza, just do it again," "Fuck it, Geza, just do it again,"
767 00:39:03,594 00:39:05,220 because that's what it was like. because that's what it was like.
768 00:39:05,220 00:39:07,556 Babies died, it was no big deal back then. Babies died, it was no big deal back then.
769 00:39:07,556 00:39:09,099 It was just like, "Yeah, that was a shitty baby. It was just like, "Yeah, that was a shitty baby.
770 00:39:09,099 00:39:12,019 Let's do another one." Let's do another one."
771 00:39:12,019 00:39:14,396 "Why'd your baby die?" "Because it sucked -- "Why'd your baby die?" "Because it sucked --
772 00:39:14,396 00:39:16,481 Why does any baby die? At least we found out quick. Why does any baby die? At least we found out quick.
773 00:39:16,481 00:39:19,652 Fuck it. This one's good." Fuck it. This one's good."
774 00:39:19,652 00:39:22,112 That's what it was like forever until recently. That's what it was like forever until recently.
775 00:39:22,112 00:39:24,573 The human race was all the good babies The human race was all the good babies
776 00:39:24,573 00:39:27,785 and the shitty ones, pbbt! That's just the way it worked. and the shitty ones, pbbt! That's just the way it worked.
777 00:39:27,785 00:39:29,202 It's not like that now. It's not like that now.
778 00:39:29,202 00:39:31,955 Now we save every baby. Now we save every baby.
779 00:39:31,955 00:39:34,917 The shittier the baby, the bigger the effort. The shittier the baby, the bigger the effort.
780 00:39:34,917 00:39:38,378 Because we love it, we love saving the shitty babies. Because we love it, we love saving the shitty babies.
781 00:39:38,378 00:39:40,422 There's always a documentary, "Look at this baby. There's always a documentary, "Look at this baby.
782 00:39:40,422 00:39:43,258 He's a fucking mess. Do you see that shit? He's a fucking mess. Do you see that shit?
783 00:39:43,258 00:39:47,429 We're gonna save it, make it live." We're gonna save it, make it live."
784 00:39:47,429 00:39:49,848 And the baby's like, "Please don't!" And the baby's like, "Please don't!"
785 00:39:54,436 00:39:56,271 But we'd rather -- we don't like when babies die, But we'd rather -- we don't like when babies die,
786 00:39:56,271 00:39:57,856 we get more upset when a baby dies. we get more upset when a baby dies.
787 00:39:57,856 00:40:00,317 Who knows this baby? Who knows this baby?
788 00:40:00,317 00:40:02,277 "Did you hear about Jeff?" "Did you hear about Jeff?"
789 00:40:02,277 00:40:04,655 No, he was here for one day. Nobody met him. No, he was here for one day. Nobody met him.
790 00:40:08,241 00:40:10,202 And then if you die when you're old, nobody gives a shit. And then if you die when you're old, nobody gives a shit.
791 00:40:10,202 00:40:13,956 They're lie, "Eh, he was here long enough, fuck 'em." They're lie, "Eh, he was here long enough, fuck 'em."
792 00:40:13,956 00:40:15,541 You ever tell somebody, like, your grandmother di-- You ever tell somebody, like, your grandmother di--
793 00:40:15,541 00:40:17,167 "My grandmother died." "My grandmother died."
794 00:40:17,167 00:40:18,502 They're like, "I'm so sorry. How old was she?" They're like, "I'm so sorry. How old was she?"
795 00:40:18,502 00:40:21,463 "She was 98." "Oh. "She was 98." "Oh.
796 00:40:23,048 00:40:25,467 So why'd you even tell me?" So why'd you even tell me?"
797 00:40:29,262 00:40:33,100 I'm 52 and I like my 50s, I like this part of my life. I'm 52 and I like my 50s, I like this part of my life.
798 00:40:33,100 00:40:35,102 It's my favorite so far. I'll tell you why. It's my favorite so far. I'll tell you why.
799 00:40:35,102 00:40:37,771 Because I can still move around pretty good. Because I can still move around pretty good.
800 00:40:37,771 00:40:39,523 And I don't have long to live. And I don't have long to live.
801 00:40:41,900 00:40:43,986 I view that as a positive. I view that as a positive.
802 00:40:43,986 00:40:45,738 Because life is a lot of pressure. Because life is a lot of pressure.
803 00:40:45,738 00:40:47,155 The more life you have ahead of you, The more life you have ahead of you,
804 00:40:47,155 00:40:48,490 the more problems you have. the more problems you have.
805 00:40:48,490 00:40:49,533 Like, if you're 20, Like, if you're 20,
806 00:40:49,533 00:40:51,785 you might have 70 years you might have 70 years
807 00:40:51,785 00:40:55,581 to try not to be homeless or alone during. to try not to be homeless or alone during.
808 00:40:55,581 00:40:57,415 But I can -- I got maybe 24 years left. But I can -- I got maybe 24 years left.
809 00:40:57,415 00:40:59,502 I can handle that, like, that's an amount of time, I can handle that, like, that's an amount of time,
810 00:40:59,502 00:41:00,919 like, "Oh, yeah, I can fucking do that. like, "Oh, yeah, I can fucking do that.
811 00:41:00,919 00:41:02,505 I can cover 24 years." I can cover 24 years."
812 00:41:02,505 00:41:06,008 And it gets easier every year less that I have. And it gets easier every year less that I have.
813 00:41:06,008 00:41:07,718 Like, I bought a winter coat the other day Like, I bought a winter coat the other day
814 00:41:07,718 00:41:09,177 I was like, "This is my last coat. I was like, "This is my last coat.
815 00:41:09,177 00:41:11,639 I don't need a bunch of these. I don't need a bunch of these.
816 00:41:11,639 00:41:13,140 Gets easier. Gets easier.
817 00:41:16,393 00:41:18,020 I used to -- I used to think I have to -- I used to -- I used to think I have to --
818 00:41:18,020 00:41:20,397 I need to find a woman who will be with me forever. I need to find a woman who will be with me forever.
819 00:41:20,397 00:41:23,316 I need string of girlfriends at this point. I need string of girlfriends at this point.
820 00:41:23,316 00:41:24,693 Just a few more girl-- Just a few more girl--
821 00:41:24,693 00:41:26,987 I need three women in their 40s I need three women in their 40s
822 00:41:26,987 00:41:29,615 to get me through my 50s, to get me through my 50s,
823 00:41:29,615 00:41:33,536 and two in their 50s to get me through my 60s. and two in their 50s to get me through my 60s.
824 00:41:33,536 00:41:35,453 And then when I'm 75, And then when I'm 75,
825 00:41:35,453 00:41:37,247 21 years old. 21 years old.
826 00:41:37,247 00:41:39,082 That's when I'm doing that. That's when I'm doing that.
827 00:41:39,082 00:41:42,586 Twenty one, she gets the rest of my money. Twenty one, she gets the rest of my money.
828 00:41:42,586 00:41:45,130 Just blow me to my grave and keep the change. Just blow me to my grave and keep the change.
829 00:41:49,009 00:41:51,762 That's the offer on the table That's the offer on the table
830 00:41:51,762 00:41:54,347 for anybody who's 21 when I'm 75. for anybody who's 21 when I'm 75.
831 00:41:54,347 00:41:56,934 She hasn't been born yet, but we'll see with the... She hasn't been born yet, but we'll see with the...
832 00:41:56,934 00:41:59,186 we'll see what the new crop brings. we'll see what the new crop brings.
833 00:42:04,066 00:42:06,860 My French girlfriend, she's 42, which is perfect. My French girlfriend, she's 42, which is perfect.
834 00:42:06,860 00:42:09,237 She's pornographically hot, She's pornographically hot,
835 00:42:09,237 00:42:12,700 but she's willing to fuck this mess. but she's willing to fuck this mess.
836 00:42:12,700 00:42:14,743 Because you -- really you have to be over 40 Because you -- really you have to be over 40
837 00:42:14,743 00:42:17,370 to have the compassion to have the compassion
838 00:42:17,370 00:42:19,623 and the sense of humor and the sense of humor
839 00:42:19,623 00:42:22,417 to fuck around... to fuck around...
840 00:42:22,417 00:42:24,127 She likes to be on top, which I think is, She likes to be on top, which I think is,
841 00:42:24,127 00:42:25,963 that's 'cause that's the best that I ever look that's 'cause that's the best that I ever look
842 00:42:25,963 00:42:28,674 is laying on my back is laying on my back
843 00:42:28,674 00:42:31,885 because you just -- all the skin lays where it belongs. because you just -- all the skin lays where it belongs.
844 00:42:31,885 00:42:34,513 Like it just drapes nicely. Like it just drapes nicely.
845 00:42:34,513 00:42:38,559 I like about 49 and a half when I'm on my back. I like about 49 and a half when I'm on my back.
846 00:42:38,559 00:42:41,562 And if I get on top of her, I just -- it comes off. And if I get on top of her, I just -- it comes off.
847 00:42:41,562 00:42:44,648 It comes away from the bone like barbecued pork. It comes away from the bone like barbecued pork.
848 00:42:47,025 00:42:50,070 And this shit, when you hang this, And this shit, when you hang this,
849 00:42:50,070 00:42:52,823 it's all red and bumpy. It's like the roof of a cave. it's all red and bumpy. It's like the roof of a cave.
850 00:42:52,823 00:42:55,283 It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare.
851 00:42:55,283 00:42:57,828 And my tits are like flappy triangles And my tits are like flappy triangles
852 00:42:57,828 00:43:00,539 with red tips. with red tips.
853 00:43:00,539 00:43:03,250 They look like candy corn that somebody stepped on. They look like candy corn that somebody stepped on.
854 00:43:13,426 00:43:15,387 But it's nice, uh... But it's nice, uh...
855 00:43:15,387 00:43:17,472 nice having a girlfriend, it's better than being married nice having a girlfriend, it's better than being married
856 00:43:17,472 00:43:18,557 because, you know, with a girlfriend because, you know, with a girlfriend
857 00:43:18,557 00:43:22,102 you can switch, and, uh... you can switch, and, uh...
858 00:43:22,102 00:43:24,021 Marriage is -- fuck, that's hard. Marriage is -- fuck, that's hard.
859 00:43:24,021 00:43:26,774 I feel bad for people that are in bad marriages. I feel bad for people that are in bad marriages.
860 00:43:26,774 00:43:28,316 That's -- if you're in a bad marriage, by the way, That's -- if you're in a bad marriage, by the way,
861 00:43:28,316 00:43:29,777 you know what you should do? Just at stay home. you know what you should do? Just at stay home.
862 00:43:29,777 00:43:31,654 Don't make people -- just self-quarantine. Don't make people -- just self-quarantine.
863 00:43:31,654 00:43:34,948 Don't make people fucking look at you. Don't make people fucking look at you.
864 00:43:34,948 00:43:36,784 You know, those couples that come over for dinner You know, those couples that come over for dinner
865 00:43:36,784 00:43:38,493 and they're holding a gun to each other's heads like, and they're holding a gun to each other's heads like,
866 00:43:38,493 00:43:40,453 "Hi, thanks for having us." "Hi, thanks for having us."
867 00:43:40,453 00:43:42,831 Fuck. Fuck.
868 00:43:42,831 00:43:45,292 There's always that awful moment at dinner. There's always that awful moment at dinner.
869 00:43:45,292 00:43:47,460 One of them's like, "We saw that show on Wednesday." One of them's like, "We saw that show on Wednesday."
870 00:43:47,460 00:43:50,255 The other one's like, "It wasn't Wednesday." The other one's like, "It wasn't Wednesday."
871 00:43:53,133 00:43:55,719 We're going to fucking puke because of your life. We're going to fucking puke because of your life.
872 00:43:55,719 00:43:58,889 Oh, that's bad. Oh, that's bad.
873 00:43:58,889 00:44:03,310 I was on an airplane one time and a married couple came on I was on an airplane one time and a married couple came on
874 00:44:03,310 00:44:04,895 and they had been sat separately. and they had been sat separately.
875 00:44:04,895 00:44:06,104 There was some mistake. There was some mistake.
876 00:44:06,104 00:44:07,898 So they're trying to figure it out. So they're trying to figure it out.
877 00:44:07,898 00:44:10,108 And the woman, she's supposed to sit here, she comes up to me. And the woman, she's supposed to sit here, she comes up to me.
878 00:44:10,108 00:44:14,404 She says, "Would you mind moving so I can sit with my husband?" She says, "Would you mind moving so I can sit with my husband?"
879 00:44:14,404 00:44:15,989 And he's behind her. He's like... And he's behind her. He's like...
880 00:44:22,204 00:44:24,372 And I wanted to help them, And I wanted to help them,
881 00:44:24,372 00:44:26,041 but what am I going to say to his wife? but what am I going to say to his wife?
882 00:44:26,041 00:44:27,375 Just, "No, I won't move." Just, "No, I won't move."
883 00:44:27,375 00:44:29,670 Then I have to sit with her. Then I have to sit with her.
884 00:44:29,670 00:44:32,631 So I just got off the plane. I didn't go on the trip. So I just got off the plane. I didn't go on the trip.
885 00:44:32,631 00:44:35,008 I got off the plane and it took off I got off the plane and it took off
886 00:44:35,008 00:44:36,552 and it hit the World Trade Center. and it hit the World Trade Center.
887 00:44:36,552 00:44:38,929 So that was... So that was...
888 00:44:38,929 00:44:41,515 Yeah, that was bad. Yeah, that was bad.
889 00:44:41,515 00:44:43,517 I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget that day.
890 00:44:45,686 00:44:48,606 Ah, fuck, that was so unnecessary. Ah, fuck, that was so unnecessary.
891 00:44:48,606 00:44:54,486 That was wildly unnecessary. That was wildly unnecessary.
892 00:44:54,486 00:44:56,321 I dunno, man. I'm sorry. I dunno, man. I'm sorry.
893 00:44:56,321 00:45:00,618 I'm fucking mentally ill, I don't know... I'm fucking mentally ill, I don't know...
894 00:45:00,618 00:45:02,035 I've been thinking about this: I've been thinking about this:
895 00:45:02,035 00:45:03,453 I think the thing is, I think -- I think the thing is, I think --
896 00:45:03,453 00:45:06,790 I think I learned too early in my life I think I learned too early in my life
897 00:45:06,790 00:45:09,209 that when I say something and people get angry, that when I say something and people get angry,
898 00:45:09,209 00:45:11,211 I just like how that feels. I just like how that feels.
899 00:45:11,211 00:45:12,963 I don't know why, I don't know why,
900 00:45:12,963 00:45:15,298 but I learned it too early, I think that's the problem. but I learned it too early, I think that's the problem.
901 00:45:15,298 00:45:16,884 I learned that when I was 6. I learned that when I was 6.
902 00:45:16,884 00:45:19,219 That's too young for that kind of... That's too young for that kind of...
903 00:45:19,219 00:45:22,347 You know, I learned all the bad words when I was 6. You know, I learned all the bad words when I was 6.
904 00:45:22,347 00:45:24,266 I learned them all in one day I learned them all in one day
905 00:45:24,266 00:45:26,894 from this old dude who hung around our neighborhood. from this old dude who hung around our neighborhood.
906 00:45:26,894 00:45:28,854 I don't know if he lived there or what, I don't know if he lived there or what,
907 00:45:28,854 00:45:30,939 but there this old dude with a shitty coat but there this old dude with a shitty coat
908 00:45:30,939 00:45:32,525 and a dark tooth and a dark tooth
909 00:45:32,525 00:45:34,401 that was always walking around my neighborhood. that was always walking around my neighborhood.
910 00:45:34,401 00:45:35,694 And if you're a kid walking alone, And if you're a kid walking alone,
911 00:45:35,694 00:45:37,655 he'd walk up and, "Hey," talk to you -- he'd walk up and, "Hey," talk to you --
912 00:45:37,655 00:45:39,114 because it was the '70s. because it was the '70s.
913 00:45:39,114 00:45:41,033 You could just walk up to kids and talk to 'em. You could just walk up to kids and talk to 'em.
914 00:45:41,033 00:45:44,995 Now you can't even fuck 'em, it's crazy how things are... Now you can't even fuck 'em, it's crazy how things are...
915 00:45:49,082 00:45:50,584 Sorry. Sorry.
916 00:45:50,584 00:45:53,504 I know it's wrong to fuck kids, by the way, I know it's wrong to fuck kids, by the way,
917 00:45:53,504 00:45:56,965 just to be clear, I know that fucking children is wrong. just to be clear, I know that fucking children is wrong.
918 00:45:56,965 00:45:59,802 I don't even need to be told. I just know that it's wrong. I don't even need to be told. I just know that it's wrong.
919 00:46:01,804 00:46:04,347 I would know it was wrong, even if it was popular. I would know it was wrong, even if it was popular.
920 00:46:06,850 00:46:08,686 Even if people were like, "You should fucking kids, Even if people were like, "You should fucking kids,
921 00:46:08,686 00:46:10,813 it's great," it's great,"
922 00:46:10,813 00:46:14,274 I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it.
923 00:46:14,274 00:46:15,943 Even if the kids came out to me all the time, Even if the kids came out to me all the time,
924 00:46:15,943 00:46:18,486 "You should fuck me, I like it. I wouldn't mind at all." "You should fuck me, I like it. I wouldn't mind at all."
925 00:46:20,614 00:46:22,783 I would say, "No thank you, young man." I would say, "No thank you, young man."
926 00:46:27,287 00:46:29,832 Even if doctors proved... Even if doctors proved...
927 00:46:33,752 00:46:37,380 ...that it was beneficial to the health of children to fuck them, ...that it was beneficial to the health of children to fuck them,
928 00:46:37,380 00:46:38,841 I wouldn't do it. I would -- I wouldn't do it. I would --
929 00:46:38,841 00:46:41,051 I would -- I wouldn't fuck a kid to save his life. I would -- I wouldn't fuck a kid to save his life.
930 00:46:41,051 00:46:43,220 That's... That's...
931 00:46:45,556 00:46:48,517 Even even if somebody said to me, Even even if somebody said to me,
932 00:46:48,517 00:46:50,644 "If you fuck just this one kid, "If you fuck just this one kid,
933 00:46:50,644 00:46:54,940 then no kid will ever get fucked ever again." then no kid will ever get fucked ever again."
934 00:46:54,940 00:46:56,650 I might have to fuck that one kid. I might have to fuck that one kid.
935 00:46:56,650 00:47:00,487 That might be the right thing to do. That might be the right thing to do.
936 00:47:00,487 00:47:03,323 I'm saving all those kids. I'm saving all those kids.
937 00:47:03,323 00:47:07,202 Oh, I'm saving them all. Oh, I'm saving them all.
938 00:47:07,202 00:47:10,497 Not you, not you. Not you, not you.
939 00:47:10,497 00:47:12,875 You're the last one. You're the last one.
940 00:47:20,508 00:47:23,719 It's hypothetically. It's hypothetically.
941 00:47:23,719 00:47:29,141 Anyway, so the old man came up to me on the street Anyway, so the old man came up to me on the street
942 00:47:29,141 00:47:33,270 and he and he said, "Hey, do you want to know all the bad words? and he and he said, "Hey, do you want to know all the bad words?
943 00:47:35,188 00:47:37,858 And I said, "Yes, I think I do." And I said, "Yes, I think I do."
944 00:47:37,858 00:47:40,903 So he's like, "All right. Okay. Fuck, shit, piss, So he's like, "All right. Okay. Fuck, shit, piss,
945 00:47:40,903 00:47:46,742 dick, balls, ass, cock, diarrhea, pussy, fart, cum." dick, balls, ass, cock, diarrhea, pussy, fart, cum."
946 00:47:46,742 00:47:50,871 And I was like, "Oh!" And I was like, "Oh!"
947 00:47:50,871 00:47:55,000 Just felt so good. Just felt so good.
948 00:47:55,000 00:47:57,210 I went to school, I went right up to my teacher, I said, I went to school, I went right up to my teacher, I said,
949 00:47:57,210 00:48:01,339 "Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls, ask, cock, diarrhea, cum, fart." "Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls, ask, cock, diarrhea, cum, fart."
950 00:48:03,383 00:48:05,385 And she started crying. It's a true story. And she started crying. It's a true story.
951 00:48:05,385 00:48:07,680 She was like -- She was like --
952 00:48:07,680 00:48:09,264 Started crying. Started crying.
953 00:48:09,264 00:48:10,808 I had a boner. I was so happy. I had a boner. I was so happy.
954 00:48:10,808 00:48:12,726 It was the best moment of my life. It was the best moment of my life.
955 00:48:16,730 00:48:19,232 I had to go to the principal's office. I had to go to the principal's office.
956 00:48:19,232 00:48:21,902 He said, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" He said, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"
957 00:48:21,902 00:48:24,112 I said, "No, but I eat her pussy with it." I said, "No, but I eat her pussy with it."
958 00:48:27,282 00:48:29,535 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
959 00:48:29,535 00:48:31,494 Yeah! Yeah!
960 00:48:37,000 00:48:38,251 Anyway, relationships are tough. Anyway, relationships are tough.
961 00:48:38,251 00:48:40,045 That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.
962 00:48:43,632 00:48:46,259 I used to date a woman who was a vegan, I used to date a woman who was a vegan,
963 00:48:46,259 00:48:49,096 so I had to fuck her with my dick substitute and, uh... so I had to fuck her with my dick substitute and, uh...
964 00:48:52,933 00:48:54,768 'Member when meeting a vegan was weird? 'Member when meeting a vegan was weird?
965 00:48:54,768 00:48:56,269 Remember when there was like a strange thing, like, Remember when there was like a strange thing, like,
966 00:48:56,269 00:48:58,522 "Oh, what is -- what is that?" "Oh, what is -- what is that?"
967 00:48:58,522 00:49:01,441 Like, you probably met your first vegan in the '90s. Like, you probably met your first vegan in the '90s.
968 00:49:01,441 00:49:05,320 You had like a dinner party and somebody brought a vegan You had like a dinner party and somebody brought a vegan
969 00:49:05,320 00:49:07,239 and they said, "Just so you know, I'm vegan," and they said, "Just so you know, I'm vegan,"
970 00:49:07,239 00:49:09,116 and you're like, "I'm sorry, you're a vegetarian?" and you're like, "I'm sorry, you're a vegetarian?"
971 00:49:09,116 00:49:11,577 And they're like, "Heh, no." And they're like, "Heh, no."
972 00:49:11,577 00:49:13,746 All right, what is the thing? All right, what is the thing?
973 00:49:13,746 00:49:15,372 And they tell all the... Huh? And they tell all the... Huh?
974 00:49:15,372 00:49:17,541 Okay. Uh-huh. Okay. Uh-huh.
975 00:49:17,541 00:49:20,418 Yeah, I have no food for you. Yeah, I have no food for you.
976 00:49:20,418 00:49:24,339 You can eat a napkin and shit paper, I don't care. You can eat a napkin and shit paper, I don't care.
977 00:49:24,339 00:49:25,924 But then you met another vegan and you're like, But then you met another vegan and you're like,
978 00:49:25,924 00:49:27,760 "Okay," and then -- and now they're everywhere, "Okay," and then -- and now they're everywhere,
979 00:49:27,760 00:49:29,427 now who cares? now who cares?
980 00:49:29,427 00:49:31,514 There's several vegans and restaurants and whatever. There's several vegans and restaurants and whatever.
981 00:49:31,514 00:49:32,806 It's kind of like gay people It's kind of like gay people
982 00:49:32,806 00:49:35,643 sort of a similar trajectory of growth sort of a similar trajectory of growth
983 00:49:35,643 00:49:38,353 and acceptance in the culture. and acceptance in the culture.
984 00:49:38,353 00:49:40,731 You know? Gay people and vegans have a lot in common -- You know? Gay people and vegans have a lot in common --
985 00:49:40,731 00:49:43,233 like, they both have to tell their families at Thanksgiving. like, they both have to tell their families at Thanksgiving.
986 00:49:43,233 00:49:44,777 That's when they have to tell them. That's when they have to tell them.
987 00:49:44,777 00:49:48,321 And Dad gets angry. And Dad gets angry.
988 00:49:48,321 00:49:51,449 "Your mother worked all night cooking that turkey, "Your mother worked all night cooking that turkey,
989 00:49:51,449 00:49:55,287 and you're telling me you're a fucking faggot?!" and you're telling me you're a fucking faggot?!"
990 00:49:55,287 00:49:57,039 You know, it's drama. You know, it's drama.
991 00:50:00,668 00:50:03,128 But those are the old days, But those are the old days,
992 00:50:03,128 00:50:05,714 things are better now. things are better now.
993 00:50:05,714 00:50:07,174 I think it's pretty amazing when you think about it. I think it's pretty amazing when you think about it.
994 00:50:07,174 00:50:10,260 People used to say that being gay was wrong. People used to say that being gay was wrong.
995 00:50:10,260 00:50:11,762 Pretty recently, folks used to -- Pretty recently, folks used to --
996 00:50:11,762 00:50:12,930 like, most people used to say like, most people used to say
997 00:50:12,930 00:50:14,347 that being gay was wrong, that being gay was wrong,
998 00:50:14,347 00:50:15,849 'course it's not wrong to be gay. 'course it's not wrong to be gay.
999 00:50:15,849 00:50:18,811 I mean, it's pretty gay but it's not wrong, I mean, it's pretty gay but it's not wrong,
1000 00:50:18,811 00:50:20,353 but that's what people used to say. but that's what people used to say.
1001 00:50:20,353 00:50:21,730 And now nobody says that. And now nobody says that.
1002 00:50:21,730 00:50:23,356 And I think that's a positive change. And I think that's a positive change.
1003 00:50:23,356 00:50:25,818 I think that's a good thing, although I do wonder I think that's a good thing, although I do wonder
1004 00:50:25,818 00:50:29,780 if there are gay people who miss when it was wrong. if there are gay people who miss when it was wrong.
1005 00:50:29,780 00:50:32,365 Maybe there's a few who miss when it was -- Maybe there's a few who miss when it was --
1006 00:50:32,365 00:50:34,535 'cause wasn't it a little more fun, 'cause wasn't it a little more fun,
1007 00:50:34,535 00:50:37,871 when it was like, "This is fucking crazy." when it was like, "This is fucking crazy."
1008 00:50:37,871 00:50:39,540 Didn't that... Didn't that...
1009 00:50:39,540 00:50:42,668 Didn't give it a little zhuzh. A little... Didn't give it a little zhuzh. A little...
1010 00:50:42,668 00:50:46,338 I could lose my job. Aw, fuck... I could lose my job. Aw, fuck...
1011 00:50:47,255 00:50:49,216 Because... Because...
1012 00:50:49,216 00:50:51,301 Now they're like everybody else, which is great. Now they're like everybody else, which is great.
1013 00:50:51,301 00:50:52,970 And they can get married. That's terrific. And they can get married. That's terrific.
1014 00:50:52,970 00:50:58,851 But is that fun to fuck your husband at your house? But is that fun to fuck your husband at your house?
1015 00:50:58,851 00:51:01,228 Wasn't it more fun to be in an old nightclub Wasn't it more fun to be in an old nightclub
1016 00:51:01,228 00:51:02,521 at 4:00 in the morning, like, at 4:00 in the morning, like,
1017 00:51:02,521 00:51:04,231 "I'm breaking my mother's heart. "I'm breaking my mother's heart.
1018 00:51:04,231 00:51:09,069 Oh, yeah." Oh, yeah."
1019 00:51:09,069 00:51:11,655 I don't know, I don't even mean just gay people, I don't know, I don't even mean just gay people,
1020 00:51:11,655 00:51:15,075 just some people like when sex is a little fucked up. just some people like when sex is a little fucked up.
1021 00:51:15,075 00:51:16,785 You know? You know?
1022 00:51:16,785 00:51:20,748 "Some people!" "Some people!"
1023 00:51:20,748 00:51:25,418 Some people like when sex is a little fucked up. Some people like when sex is a little fucked up.
1024 00:51:27,254 00:51:29,172 All right. All right.
1025 00:51:31,133 00:51:32,801 No... No...
1026 00:51:32,801 00:51:34,678 All right now, you want to talk about this? All right now, you want to talk about this?
1027 00:51:34,678 00:51:36,304 Should we talk about it? Should we talk about it?
1028 00:51:36,304 00:51:38,766 Yeah, all right, all right. Yeah, all right, all right.
1029 00:51:38,766 00:51:40,768 I don't mind -- I don't mind talking about it. I don't mind -- I don't mind talking about it.
1030 00:51:40,768 00:51:43,020 Okay. Um... Okay. Um...
1031 00:51:46,607 00:51:48,483 Here's what -- I'll give you some advice. Here's what -- I'll give you some advice.
1032 00:51:51,361 00:51:54,532 Here's some advice that really only I can give you. Here's some advice that really only I can give you.
1033 00:51:56,742 00:52:00,538 if you ever ask somebody, if you ever ask somebody,
1034 00:52:00,538 00:52:02,748 "Can I jerk off in front of you?" "Can I jerk off in front of you?"
1035 00:52:04,708 00:52:06,919 Let me finish. I mean -- Let me finish. I mean --
1036 00:52:06,919 00:52:09,588 I mean... I mean...
1037 00:52:09,588 00:52:12,424 Let me finish what I'm saying! Let me finish what I'm saying!
1038 00:52:12,424 00:52:14,677 Ah... Ah...
1039 00:52:14,677 00:52:17,429 Ah, fuck. Okay. Ah, fuck. Okay.
1040 00:52:20,473 00:52:23,101 If you've ever ask somebody, If you've ever ask somebody,
1041 00:52:23,101 00:52:26,063 "May I jerk off in front of you," "May I jerk off in front of you,"
1042 00:52:26,063 00:52:27,690 and they say yes, and they say yes,
1043 00:52:27,690 00:52:30,442 just say, "Are you sure?" just say, "Are you sure?"
1044 00:52:30,442 00:52:32,485 That's the first part. That's the first part.
1045 00:52:32,485 00:52:35,488 And then if they say yes, just don't fucking do it. And then if they say yes, just don't fucking do it.
1046 00:52:35,488 00:52:37,658 Just -- just don't do it. Just -- just don't do it.
1047 00:52:37,658 00:52:40,493 'Cause, look, whatever you're into, okay? 'Cause, look, whatever you're into, okay?
1048 00:52:40,493 00:52:42,454 'Cause everybody's got their thing. 'Cause everybody's got their thing.
1049 00:52:42,454 00:52:44,122 Whatever your thing is, I don't know. Whatever your thing is, I don't know.
1050 00:52:44,122 00:52:47,459 You all have your thing. I don't know what your thing is. You all have your thing. I don't know what your thing is.
1051 00:52:47,459 00:52:50,838 You're so fucking lucky that I don't know what you're thing is. You're so fucking lucky that I don't know what you're thing is.
1052 00:52:50,838 00:52:53,006 Do you understand how lucky you are Do you understand how lucky you are
1053 00:52:53,006 00:52:55,133 that people don't know your fucking thing? that people don't know your fucking thing?
1054 00:52:55,133 00:52:58,178 'Cause everybody knows my thing. 'Cause everybody knows my thing.
1055 00:52:58,178 00:53:01,515 Everybody knows my fucking thing now. Everybody knows my fucking thing now.
1056 00:53:01,515 00:53:03,684 Obama knows my thing. Obama knows my thing.
1057 00:53:03,684 00:53:08,772 Do you understand how that feels? Do you understand how that feels?
1058 00:53:08,772 00:53:11,525 To know that Obama was like, "Good lord!" To know that Obama was like, "Good lord!"
1059 00:53:18,532 00:53:20,534 Everybody in the world knows my thing. Everybody in the world knows my thing.
1060 00:53:20,534 00:53:22,452 I got on an airplane in Italy, this little kid was like, I got on an airplane in Italy, this little kid was like,
1061 00:53:22,452 00:53:24,872 "Mama, that's the guy who jerk off in front of the people!" "Mama, that's the guy who jerk off in front of the people!"
1062 00:53:33,255 00:53:34,965 So whatever your thing is, I don't know what it is, So whatever your thing is, I don't know what it is,
1063 00:53:34,965 00:53:36,509 maybe you can't cum unless you have maybe you can't cum unless you have
1064 00:53:36,509 00:53:38,927 your father on speaker phone, whatever it is. your father on speaker phone, whatever it is.
1065 00:53:44,141 00:53:45,601 If you want to do it with somebody else, If you want to do it with somebody else,
1066 00:53:45,601 00:53:47,060 you need to ask first, but if they say yes, you need to ask first, but if they say yes,
1067 00:53:47,060 00:53:49,813 you still don't get to just go, "Whoo!" you still don't get to just go, "Whoo!"
1068 00:53:49,813 00:53:52,149 And charge ahead -- gotta check in often. And charge ahead -- gotta check in often.
1069 00:53:52,149 00:53:53,901 I guess that's what I would say. I guess that's what I would say.
1070 00:53:53,901 00:53:56,278 Check in, because it's not always clear how people feel. Check in, because it's not always clear how people feel.
1071 00:53:56,278 00:53:58,864 Like, men are taught to make sure the woman is okay. Like, men are taught to make sure the woman is okay.
1072 00:53:58,864 00:54:01,074 But the thing is, women know how to seem okay But the thing is, women know how to seem okay
1073 00:54:01,074 00:54:02,535 when they're not okay. when they're not okay.
1074 00:54:02,535 00:54:04,036 So you can't just look at her face be like, So you can't just look at her face be like,
1075 00:54:04,036 00:54:05,495 "Yeah, her eyes are dry. We're fine. "Yeah, her eyes are dry. We're fine.
1076 00:54:05,495 00:54:10,083 We'll just keep going" -- You gotta check in. We'll just keep going" -- You gotta check in.
1077 00:54:10,083 00:54:11,669 'Cause sex -- communication, during sex 'Cause sex -- communication, during sex
1078 00:54:11,669 00:54:13,086 can be very confusing, like, sometimes, can be very confusing, like, sometimes,
1079 00:54:13,086 00:54:14,922 you're with a woman, you're having sex, you're with a woman, you're having sex,
1080 00:54:14,922 00:54:17,382 she's making noises, she's going, like, "Ooh, ahh." she's making noises, she's going, like, "Ooh, ahh."
1081 00:54:17,382 00:54:19,635 And you're like, "Oh, she loves it." And you're like, "Oh, she loves it."
1082 00:54:19,635 00:54:22,930 Not necessarily. Not necessarily.
1083 00:54:22,930 00:54:24,557 Sometimes they're making those noises Sometimes they're making those noises
1084 00:54:24,557 00:54:26,349 just to get through it, just to get through it,
1085 00:54:26,349 00:54:28,143 because it's easier to go, "Ooh," because it's easier to go, "Ooh,"
1086 00:54:28,143 00:54:29,978 than to say, "I hate how you fuck me. than to say, "I hate how you fuck me.
1087 00:54:29,978 00:54:32,480 Honestly, it's awful." Honestly, it's awful."
1088 00:54:32,480 00:54:34,733 So she goes, "Ooh, baby!" So she goes, "Ooh, baby!"
1089 00:54:34,733 00:54:36,569 It's kind of like a Negro spiritual, It's kind of like a Negro spiritual,
1090 00:54:36,569 00:54:39,112 it's sort of similar. it's sort of similar.
1091 00:54:40,989 00:54:42,741 So to assume that she likes it is like So to assume that she likes it is like
1092 00:54:42,741 00:54:44,618 if they heard slaves singing in the fields, and they're like, if they heard slaves singing in the fields, and they're like,
1093 00:54:44,618 00:54:46,787 "Hey, you're having a great time out there!" "Hey, you're having a great time out there!"
1094 00:54:56,505 00:54:59,132 As far as my thing -- I dunno what the fuck... As far as my thing -- I dunno what the fuck...
1095 00:54:59,132 00:55:00,676 People are like, "Why do you want to do it anyway?" People are like, "Why do you want to do it anyway?"
1096 00:55:00,676 00:55:02,385 Okay, oh, no. Okay, oh, no.
1097 00:55:02,385 00:55:05,097 I like jerking off, I don't like being alone. I like jerking off, I don't like being alone.
1098 00:55:05,097 00:55:06,890 That's all I can tell you. That's all I can tell you.
1099 00:55:06,890 00:55:08,684 I -- I get lonely! "Where is everyone?" I -- I get lonely! "Where is everyone?"
1100 00:55:08,684 00:55:12,187 It's just sad. I like company. It's just sad. I like company.
1101 00:55:12,187 00:55:14,898 I like to share. I'm good at it, too. I like to share. I'm good at it, too.
1102 00:55:14,898 00:55:16,191 If you're good at juggling, If you're good at juggling,
1103 00:55:16,191 00:55:18,026 you wouldn't do it alone in the dark. you wouldn't do it alone in the dark.
1104 00:55:18,026 00:55:21,488 You would gather folks and amaze them. You would gather folks and amaze them.
1105 00:55:26,744 00:55:29,079 Anyway, that's all I'm going to say about that shit. Anyway, that's all I'm going to say about that shit.
1106 00:55:40,340 00:55:44,136 Well... Well...
1107 00:55:45,929 00:55:47,765 Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question.
1108 00:55:47,765 00:55:49,224 You ever wonder You ever wonder
1109 00:55:49,224 00:55:51,143 how many people ever fucked your mom? how many people ever fucked your mom?
1110 00:55:53,353 00:55:55,272 We're almost done. You're doing great. We're almost done. You're doing great.
1111 00:55:57,274 00:55:59,026 This is important to me. This is important to me.
1112 00:55:59,026 00:56:00,402 You ever look at your mom and go, like, You ever look at your mom and go, like,
1113 00:56:00,402 00:56:02,279 "Mom, how many dicks? Just how many?" "Mom, how many dicks? Just how many?"
1114 00:56:02,279 00:56:04,072 I lost my mom. I lost my mom.
1115 00:56:04,072 00:56:05,533 So those are the things I don't know. So those are the things I don't know.
1116 00:56:05,533 00:56:07,618 So I'm curious. So I'm curious.
1117 00:56:07,618 00:56:10,412 I don't feel like a lot of dudes fucked my mom. I don't feel like a lot of dudes fucked my mom.
1118 00:56:10,412 00:56:12,998 Not 'cause she's, like, pure, because, like, I don't think so. Not 'cause she's, like, pure, because, like, I don't think so.
1119 00:56:12,998 00:56:17,795 But I hope it was as many as she wanted. But I hope it was as many as she wanted.
1120 00:56:17,795 00:56:20,047 That's what I hope -- I hope she got all the dicks That's what I hope -- I hope she got all the dicks
1121 00:56:20,047 00:56:22,299 she ever dreamed of because I loved her. she ever dreamed of because I loved her.
1122 00:56:22,299 00:56:24,217 I hope at the end, my mom was like, I hope at the end, my mom was like,
1123 00:56:24,217 00:56:26,303 "That with plenty of dicks. "That with plenty of dicks.
1124 00:56:26,303 00:56:28,055 Whew-hoo!" Whew-hoo!"
1125 00:56:31,391 00:56:33,936 But I'll never know -- because you don't know your mom. But I'll never know -- because you don't know your mom.
1126 00:56:33,936 00:56:35,854 That's the truth -- you don't really know your mother. That's the truth -- you don't really know your mother.
1127 00:56:35,854 00:56:37,147 You feel like you know her, You feel like you know her,
1128 00:56:37,147 00:56:39,066 but you know what she told you. but you know what she told you.
1129 00:56:39,066 00:56:41,193 She didn't tell you shit. She didn't tell you shit.
1130 00:56:41,193 00:56:42,653 You don't tell your kids your life. You don't tell your kids your life.
1131 00:56:42,653 00:56:44,404 What did your mother tell you? What did your mother tell you?
1132 00:56:44,404 00:56:47,658 "I won a swimming medal when I was 12." "I won a swimming medal when I was 12."
1133 00:56:47,658 00:56:49,284 She didn't tell you, like, She didn't tell you, like,
1134 00:56:49,284 00:56:50,493 "I used to fuck this guy at work, it was amazing." "I used to fuck this guy at work, it was amazing."
1135 00:56:50,493 00:56:54,497 She didn't tell you that. She didn't tell you that.
1136 00:56:54,497 00:56:58,251 Think about your mom's life story as she told it to you. Think about your mom's life story as she told it to you.
1137 00:56:58,251 00:57:02,255 There's huge holes in that story. There's huge holes in that story.
1138 00:57:02,255 00:57:04,382 "Well, I graduated when I was 22 "Well, I graduated when I was 22
1139 00:57:04,382 00:57:07,010 and then I met your father when I was 35." and then I met your father when I was 35."
1140 00:57:10,222 00:57:13,016 "Feels like a lot of dicks would fit right in there, Mom." "Feels like a lot of dicks would fit right in there, Mom."
1141 00:57:16,353 00:57:17,896 You know those movies where you're -- You know those movies where you're --
1142 00:57:17,896 00:57:20,023 where a mother and a daughter switch bodies. where a mother and a daughter switch bodies.
1143 00:57:20,023 00:57:21,650 You ever seen a movie like -- it's always like, You ever seen a movie like -- it's always like,
1144 00:57:21,650 00:57:24,612 "Freaky Friday," some Disney comedy where a mother "Freaky Friday," some Disney comedy where a mother
1145 00:57:24,612 00:57:27,489 and a daughter switch bodies and then they're like, "Whoa!" and a daughter switch bodies and then they're like, "Whoa!"
1146 00:57:27,489 00:57:32,119 Then they have to water ski and be in a rock band together. Then they have to water ski and be in a rock band together.
1147 00:57:32,119 00:57:34,580 And then they switch back and they know each other better. And then they switch back and they know each other better.
1148 00:57:34,580 00:57:36,331 That's the formula That's the formula
1149 00:57:36,331 00:57:38,876 I think they should make it another one of those movies. I think they should make it another one of those movies.
1150 00:57:41,629 00:57:43,046 But it should be about a mother But it should be about a mother
1151 00:57:43,046 00:57:45,674 who switches bodies with her son. who switches bodies with her son.
1152 00:57:45,674 00:57:48,761 But it's not a comedy, it's a drama -- But it's not a comedy, it's a drama --
1153 00:57:48,761 00:57:50,888 like a medical affliction. like a medical affliction.
1154 00:57:50,888 00:57:52,598 They're upset the whole time. They're upset the whole time.
1155 00:57:52,598 00:57:54,349 She's in the bathroom in the morning, She's in the bathroom in the morning,
1156 00:57:54,349 00:57:59,104 "I'm holding my son's penis. It's confusing." "I'm holding my son's penis. It's confusing."
1157 00:57:59,104 00:58:00,856 And her son is in her body, he's like, And her son is in her body, he's like,
1158 00:58:00,856 00:58:03,734 "I don't want to be my mommy anymore. "I don't want to be my mommy anymore.
1159 00:58:06,403 00:58:08,947 I don't like how it feels." I don't like how it feels."
1160 00:58:14,244 00:58:16,914 And his dad comes home and he starts fucking 'im. And his dad comes home and he starts fucking 'im.
1161 00:58:16,914 00:58:18,999 "Oh, God! "Oh, God!
1162 00:58:21,168 00:58:24,838 What's happening now? What's happening now?
1163 00:58:24,838 00:58:26,965 I don't like this, I don't like this,
1164 00:58:26,965 00:58:30,260 but I don't want to say no to my dad." but I don't want to say no to my dad."
1165 00:58:36,099 00:58:37,851 And then at the end of the movie, And then at the end of the movie,
1166 00:58:37,851 00:58:39,770 they never switch back. they never switch back.
1167 00:58:42,480 00:58:45,776 You guys were great, thank you very much for coming tonight. You guys were great, thank you very much for coming tonight.
1168 00:58:45,776 00:58:48,070 It was a pleasure talking to you. It was a pleasure talking to you.
1169 00:58:48,070 00:58:50,864 Get home safe. Thank you very, very much. Get home safe. Thank you very, very much.
1170 00:58:50,864 00:58:52,115 Goodnight. Goodnight.