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1 | 00:00:03,754 | 00:00:05,380 | C.K.! C.K.! | C.K.! C.K.! |
2 | 00:00:07,007 | 00:00:09,009 | Louis! Louis! | Louis! Louis! |
3 | 00:00:09,009 | 00:00:11,887 | Louis! Louis! Louis! | Louis! Louis! Louis! |
4 | 00:00:11,887 | 00:00:17,685 | Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! | Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! |
5 | 00:00:53,053 | 00:00:54,847 | Thank you. | Thank you. |
6 | 00:01:00,310 | 00:01:01,562 | Thank you. | Thank you. |
7 | 00:01:01,562 | 00:01:04,607 | Sit down, please. Thank you. | Sit down, please. Thank you. |
8 | 00:01:04,607 | 00:01:07,484 | Thank you very much. Thanks. Nice to, uh... | Thank you very much. Thanks. Nice to, uh... |
9 | 00:01:07,484 | 00:01:10,738 | All right. Nice to see you all. | All right. Nice to see you all. |
10 | 00:01:10,738 | 00:01:12,155 | Thanks for coming. | Thanks for coming. |
11 | 00:01:12,155 | 00:01:15,618 | I've been thinking about you all day. | I've been thinking about you all day. |
12 | 00:01:15,618 | 00:01:18,787 | How are you? How -- how was your last couple of years? | How are you? How -- how was your last couple of years? |
13 | 00:01:18,787 | 00:01:23,291 | How... | How... |
14 | 00:01:23,291 | 00:01:26,795 | How was 2018 and '19 for you guys? | How was 2018 and '19 for you guys? |
15 | 00:01:30,799 | 00:01:32,885 | Anybody else getting global amounts of trouble, | Anybody else getting global amounts of trouble, |
16 | 00:01:32,885 | 00:01:34,469 | anybody else... | anybody else... |
17 | 00:01:39,099 | 00:01:40,851 | Fuck! | Fuck! |
18 | 00:01:44,312 | 00:01:46,023 | That was crazy... | That was crazy... |
19 | 00:01:46,023 | 00:01:48,441 | Man, I was in a lot of trou-- | Man, I was in a lot of trou-- |
20 | 00:01:48,441 | 00:01:50,193 | Wait till they see those pictures of me in blackface. | Wait till they see those pictures of me in blackface. |
21 | 00:01:50,193 | 00:01:52,487 | That's gonna to be... | That's gonna to be... |
22 | 00:01:52,487 | 00:01:55,866 | That's going to make it a lot worse. | That's going to make it a lot worse. |
23 | 00:01:55,866 | 00:01:58,619 | Because there is a lot of those, there's thousands of pictures | Because there is a lot of those, there's thousands of pictures |
24 | 00:01:58,619 | 00:02:01,496 | of me in blackface. | of me in blackface. |
25 | 00:02:01,496 | 00:02:04,332 | I can't stop doing it, I just... | I can't stop doing it, I just... |
26 | 00:02:04,332 | 00:02:07,127 | I like it, I like how it feels. | I like it, I like how it feels. |
27 | 00:02:11,590 | 00:02:14,009 | Fuck, man, that was... | Fuck, man, that was... |
28 | 00:02:14,009 | 00:02:16,845 | You know what? I learned a lot. | You know what? I learned a lot. |
29 | 00:02:16,845 | 00:02:19,682 | I learned a lot -- I learned how to eat alone in a restaurant | I learned a lot -- I learned how to eat alone in a restaurant |
30 | 00:02:19,682 | 00:02:23,936 | with people giving me the finger from across the room. | with people giving me the finger from across the room. |
31 | 00:02:33,529 | 00:02:34,947 | When you get in trouble, | When you get in trouble, |
32 | 00:02:34,947 | 00:02:36,990 | you learn who your real friends are. | you learn who your real friends are. |
33 | 00:02:36,990 | 00:02:41,036 | It's true -- people like saying that like that's a good thing. | It's true -- people like saying that like that's a good thing. |
34 | 00:02:41,036 | 00:02:43,872 | Who the fuck wants to know who their real friends are? | Who the fuck wants to know who their real friends are? |
35 | 00:02:43,872 | 00:02:45,207 | You don't want to know that. | You don't want to know that. |
36 | 00:02:45,207 | 00:02:48,376 | Believe me, you don't want to know. | Believe me, you don't want to know. |
37 | 00:02:48,376 | 00:02:51,880 | It's never who you want it to be. | It's never who you want it to be. |
38 | 00:02:51,880 | 00:02:57,260 | It's not your cool friends and it's not your fun friends. | It's not your cool friends and it's not your fun friends. |
39 | 00:02:57,260 | 00:03:01,473 | It's your real friends. | It's your real friends. |
40 | 00:03:01,473 | 00:03:03,016 | "I'm here for you." | "I'm here for you." |
41 | 00:03:03,016 | 00:03:06,394 | I fucking know that. | I fucking know that. |
42 | 00:03:06,394 | 00:03:08,063 | I have this friend, she's the best person I know, | I have this friend, she's the best person I know, |
43 | 00:03:08,063 | 00:03:09,857 | but I sometimes want to punch her in the face | but I sometimes want to punch her in the face |
44 | 00:03:09,857 | 00:03:11,775 | because she's so nice -- | because she's so nice -- |
45 | 00:03:11,775 | 00:03:14,194 | because I'm not a good person. | because I'm not a good person. |
46 | 00:03:14,194 | 00:03:15,779 | Like, I'll tell her something I'm having problems with, | Like, I'll tell her something I'm having problems with, |
47 | 00:03:15,779 | 00:03:17,823 | and she'll say, "I'm going to pray on that for you." | and she'll say, "I'm going to pray on that for you." |
48 | 00:03:22,536 | 00:03:26,414 | I have a feeling when she prays, God's like, "Ugh! | I have a feeling when she prays, God's like, "Ugh! |
49 | 00:03:26,414 | 00:03:30,002 | Fuck! | Fuck! |
50 | 00:03:30,002 | 00:03:32,505 | This one makes me want to get out of the business." | This one makes me want to get out of the business." |
51 | 00:03:36,424 | 00:03:38,552 | You guys think there's a God? How many -- | You guys think there's a God? How many -- |
52 | 00:03:38,552 | 00:03:41,221 | How many of you, by applause, believe there is a God. | How many of you, by applause, believe there is a God. |
53 | 00:03:41,221 | 00:03:44,266 | How many people? | How many people? |
54 | 00:03:44,266 | 00:03:46,602 | All right. About 30 out of 1,400. | All right. About 30 out of 1,400. |
55 | 00:03:46,602 | 00:03:49,187 | That's nice. That's nice. | That's nice. That's nice. |
56 | 00:03:49,187 | 00:03:51,732 | That shit's over. | That shit's over. |
57 | 00:03:51,732 | 00:03:54,610 | It's just fucking over. | It's just fucking over. |
58 | 00:03:54,610 | 00:03:57,112 | You go into a church, it's like going to a roller skating rink | You go into a church, it's like going to a roller skating rink |
59 | 00:03:57,112 | 00:03:59,156 | on a Wednesday, it's like... | on a Wednesday, it's like... |
60 | 00:03:59,156 | 00:04:01,324 | "This used to be something! What happened?" | "This used to be something! What happened?" |
61 | 00:04:03,952 | 00:04:05,579 | I don't know. I don't think there's a God. | I don't know. I don't think there's a God. |
62 | 00:04:05,579 | 00:04:07,915 | And that's not a conviction. I just don't suppose. | And that's not a conviction. I just don't suppose. |
63 | 00:04:07,915 | 00:04:11,001 | I just -- I just reckon there ain't. | I just -- I just reckon there ain't. |
64 | 00:04:11,001 | 00:04:13,546 | I reckon there ain't no lord. | I reckon there ain't no lord. |
65 | 00:04:16,131 | 00:04:17,966 | And because I don't believe there's a God, | And because I don't believe there's a God, |
66 | 00:04:17,966 | 00:04:20,594 | I fucking hope there's not a God. | I fucking hope there's not a God. |
67 | 00:04:20,594 | 00:04:24,890 | I fuckin' hope -- Oh, please! | I fuckin' hope -- Oh, please! |
68 | 00:04:24,890 | 00:04:27,142 | If you don't believe in God, you better fucking hope -- | If you don't believe in God, you better fucking hope -- |
69 | 00:04:27,142 | 00:04:30,312 | you better get on your knees and pray. | you better get on your knees and pray. |
70 | 00:04:30,312 | 00:04:33,190 | Please, God, don't be. | Please, God, don't be. |
71 | 00:04:36,318 | 00:04:38,696 | 'Cause that's a bad thing to be wrong about. | 'Cause that's a bad thing to be wrong about. |
72 | 00:04:38,696 | 00:04:41,824 | That's a bad wrong. | That's a bad wrong. |
73 | 00:04:41,824 | 00:04:43,701 | You're an atheist your whole life and you die | You're an atheist your whole life and you die |
74 | 00:04:43,701 | 00:04:47,663 | and you're like, "Aw, fuck! | and you're like, "Aw, fuck! |
75 | 00:04:47,663 | 00:04:50,040 | Aw, you're shitting -- with a beard and everything. | Aw, you're shitting -- with a beard and everything. |
76 | 00:04:50,040 | 00:04:56,296 | Fuck! Aww... | Fuck! Aww... |
77 | 00:04:56,296 | 00:04:57,881 | Hey, I -- I dunno... | Hey, I -- I dunno... |
78 | 00:04:57,881 | 00:05:01,093 | Yeah, yeah, I'm going. Yep." | Yeah, yeah, I'm going. Yep." |
79 | 00:05:04,513 | 00:05:07,015 | Being wrong the other way is not a big problem. | Being wrong the other way is not a big problem. |
80 | 00:05:07,015 | 00:05:08,892 | If you believe in God and you're wrong, | If you believe in God and you're wrong, |
81 | 00:05:08,892 | 00:05:10,603 | you don't really have a problem. | you don't really have a problem. |
82 | 00:05:10,603 | 00:05:13,021 | It gives you a little comfort during your stupid life. | It gives you a little comfort during your stupid life. |
83 | 00:05:15,983 | 00:05:18,986 | And then at the end, you're just seriously disappointed | And then at the end, you're just seriously disappointed |
84 | 00:05:18,986 | 00:05:21,822 | for like a second -- it's the last feeling you get to have. | for like a second -- it's the last feeling you get to have. |
85 | 00:05:21,822 | 00:05:25,576 | You die, you're like, "Nothing? | You die, you're like, "Nothing? |
86 | 00:05:25,576 | 00:05:27,786 | Seriously? Nothing?" | Seriously? Nothing?" |
87 | 00:05:27,786 | 00:05:29,913 | "Yeah, just get in the Dumpster. Sorry." | "Yeah, just get in the Dumpster. Sorry." |
88 | 00:05:33,333 | 00:05:36,504 | "Sorry, you're just garbage now." | "Sorry, you're just garbage now." |
89 | 00:05:36,504 | 00:05:38,756 | If you don't believe in God, that's what you believe -- | If you don't believe in God, that's what you believe -- |
90 | 00:05:38,756 | 00:05:41,341 | that when you die, you're just garbage. | that when you die, you're just garbage. |
91 | 00:05:41,341 | 00:05:44,887 | You are your family's newest garbage. | You are your family's newest garbage. |
92 | 00:05:44,887 | 00:05:46,847 | My mom died last year and we asked her, like, | My mom died last year and we asked her, like, |
93 | 00:05:46,847 | 00:05:49,600 | "What do you want," like, before she died, we didn't -- | "What do you want," like, before she died, we didn't -- |
94 | 00:05:49,600 | 00:05:54,146 | We didn't ask her at -- "Ma! Ma! | We didn't ask her at -- "Ma! Ma! |
95 | 00:05:54,146 | 00:05:55,731 | Fuck!" | Fuck!" |
96 | 00:05:59,527 | 00:06:01,570 | I asked my mom what we wanted -- | I asked my mom what we wanted -- |
97 | 00:06:01,570 | 00:06:02,863 | what she wanted to do with her body. | what she wanted to do with her body. |
98 | 00:06:02,863 | 00:06:04,447 | And she said, "Just burn it." | And she said, "Just burn it." |
99 | 00:06:04,447 | 00:06:06,575 | Burn it. | Burn it. |
100 | 00:06:06,575 | 00:06:09,912 | What, in the yard with leaves? What the fuck? | What, in the yard with leaves? What the fuck? |
101 | 00:06:12,080 | 00:06:14,291 | She didn't want a funeral, no pageantry, nothing. | She didn't want a funeral, no pageantry, nothing. |
102 | 00:06:14,291 | 00:06:15,793 | So she booked it herself. | So she booked it herself. |
103 | 00:06:15,793 | 00:06:18,086 | That was her last act as an American consumer. | That was her last act as an American consumer. |
104 | 00:06:18,086 | 00:06:20,839 | She went online with a credit card | She went online with a credit card |
105 | 00:06:20,839 | 00:06:23,592 | and she booked her own cremation. | and she booked her own cremation. |
106 | 00:06:23,592 | 00:06:28,138 | It's true -- at a place called Boston Crematorium. | It's true -- at a place called Boston Crematorium. |
107 | 00:06:28,138 | 00:06:32,017 | Just this place that burns bums and dogs all day. | Just this place that burns bums and dogs all day. |
108 | 00:06:32,017 | 00:06:36,855 | They just folded my mom into the workload. | They just folded my mom into the workload. |
109 | 00:06:36,855 | 00:06:38,941 | We didn't even know, just this guy showed up. | We didn't even know, just this guy showed up. |
110 | 00:06:38,941 | 00:06:41,610 | "I'm here for your ma." | "I'm here for your ma." |
111 | 00:06:41,610 | 00:06:45,656 | "All right, Sully, she's in there." | "All right, Sully, she's in there." |
112 | 00:06:45,656 | 00:06:47,282 | And he went in there to prepare her. | And he went in there to prepare her. |
113 | 00:06:47,282 | 00:06:48,742 | My sisters are waiting in the hall | My sisters are waiting in the hall |
114 | 00:06:48,742 | 00:06:51,161 | and he was in there for a while. | and he was in there for a while. |
115 | 00:06:55,332 | 00:06:57,167 | I didn't say anything. I'm just... | I didn't say anything. I'm just... |
116 | 00:06:57,167 | 00:07:00,838 | Saying he was in there with my mom for a long time. | Saying he was in there with my mom for a long time. |
117 | 00:07:00,838 | 00:07:03,799 | That's all I'm saying. | That's all I'm saying. |
118 | 00:07:03,799 | 00:07:05,008 | And also that I was worried | And also that I was worried |
119 | 00:07:05,008 | 00:07:06,635 | he was fucking my dead mother. | he was fucking my dead mother. |
120 | 00:07:12,808 | 00:07:16,394 | Anyway, then he brought her out in a kind of a nice bag | Anyway, then he brought her out in a kind of a nice bag |
121 | 00:07:16,394 | 00:07:20,148 | and... and he put her in a van. | and... and he put her in a van. |
122 | 00:07:20,148 | 00:07:22,943 | Just a -- his van. | Just a -- his van. |
123 | 00:07:22,943 | 00:07:26,697 | It's like a '98 Ford Windstar | It's like a '98 Ford Windstar |
124 | 00:07:26,697 | 00:07:31,785 | with a bottle of red Gatorade rolling around in the back. | with a bottle of red Gatorade rolling around in the back. |
125 | 00:07:31,785 | 00:07:34,538 | It's the last time I saw my mom. | It's the last time I saw my mom. |
126 | 00:07:37,625 | 00:07:39,209 | That's what she wanted. | That's what she wanted. |
127 | 00:07:41,629 | 00:07:43,922 | She didn't believe in this God shit. | She didn't believe in this God shit. |
128 | 00:07:43,922 | 00:07:45,799 | Just didn't. | Just didn't. |
129 | 00:07:45,799 | 00:07:47,885 | I was talking to my friend the other day about Jesus... | I was talking to my friend the other day about Jesus... |
130 | 00:07:47,885 | 00:07:49,928 | uh, Christ, | uh, Christ, |
131 | 00:07:49,928 | 00:07:51,722 | and, um... | and, um... |
132 | 00:07:51,722 | 00:07:53,223 | I don't remember why, | I don't remember why, |
133 | 00:07:53,223 | 00:07:55,684 | but I happened to mention that Jesus was Jewish | but I happened to mention that Jesus was Jewish |
134 | 00:07:55,684 | 00:07:58,937 | and my friend said, "He was?" | and my friend said, "He was?" |
135 | 00:07:58,937 | 00:08:01,524 | And I said, Yeah. Jesus was Jewish. | And I said, Yeah. Jesus was Jewish. |
136 | 00:08:01,524 | 00:08:04,902 | And he said, "I don't think so." | And he said, "I don't think so." |
137 | 00:08:04,902 | 00:08:07,362 | And I said, that's okay, it already all happened. | And I said, that's okay, it already all happened. |
138 | 00:08:07,362 | 00:08:08,989 | Doesn't matter where you think. | Doesn't matter where you think. |
139 | 00:08:12,034 | 00:08:14,411 | But he'd argued with me. He was like, "Dude, | But he'd argued with me. He was like, "Dude, |
140 | 00:08:14,411 | 00:08:15,996 | Jesus couldn't be Jewish. Think about it." | Jesus couldn't be Jewish. Think about it." |
141 | 00:08:15,996 | 00:08:18,541 | I'm like, "You fucking think about it, you idiot. | I'm like, "You fucking think about it, you idiot. |
142 | 00:08:18,541 | 00:08:20,918 | What d-- What was he then? You're... | What d-- What was he then? You're... |
143 | 00:08:20,918 | 00:08:25,255 | What, was he Presbyterian? What was he? | What, was he Presbyterian? What was he? |
144 | 00:08:25,255 | 00:08:28,676 | Catholic? Okay, Jesus was Catholic | Catholic? Okay, Jesus was Catholic |
145 | 00:08:28,676 | 00:08:31,469 | and he had a gold chain with a cross. | and he had a gold chain with a cross. |
146 | 00:08:34,097 | 00:08:35,182 | And when they nailed him up, he was like, | And when they nailed him up, he was like, |
147 | 00:08:35,182 | 00:08:38,185 | "Oh, that's why we have those!" | "Oh, that's why we have those!" |
148 | 00:08:40,771 | 00:08:43,691 | "That finally makes sense. I didn't even know. | "That finally makes sense. I didn't even know. |
149 | 00:08:43,691 | 00:08:46,735 | Oh, fuck, that's me! I'm the little guy on it!" | Oh, fuck, that's me! I'm the little guy on it!" |
150 | 00:08:54,284 | 00:08:57,245 | Every religion has a strange story or a rule | Every religion has a strange story or a rule |
151 | 00:08:57,245 | 00:08:58,789 | that doesn't make sense to me. | that doesn't make sense to me. |
152 | 00:08:58,789 | 00:09:01,709 | You know, like every time there's a terrorist act, | You know, like every time there's a terrorist act, |
153 | 00:09:01,709 | 00:09:03,669 | they always tell you on the news | they always tell you on the news |
154 | 00:09:03,669 | 00:09:06,630 | about how they believe they're all going to heaven. | about how they believe they're all going to heaven. |
155 | 00:09:06,630 | 00:09:10,050 | And every guy who does a jihad thing | And every guy who does a jihad thing |
156 | 00:09:10,050 | 00:09:12,302 | and he gets 72 virgins, that's right. | and he gets 72 virgins, that's right. |
157 | 00:09:12,302 | 00:09:14,597 | That's the story, always 72 virgins. | That's the story, always 72 virgins. |
158 | 00:09:14,597 | 00:09:17,224 | Which, first of all, who are those women? | Which, first of all, who are those women? |
159 | 00:09:17,224 | 00:09:20,728 | Who are the 72 virgins? | Who are the 72 virgins? |
160 | 00:09:20,728 | 00:09:25,273 | Does God have to kill 72 nice girls? | Does God have to kill 72 nice girls? |
161 | 00:09:25,273 | 00:09:26,734 | "All right, ladies, uh, | "All right, ladies, uh, |
162 | 00:09:26,734 | 00:09:30,654 | the good news is you're going to heaven. | the good news is you're going to heaven. |
163 | 00:09:30,654 | 00:09:32,197 | The weird news..." | The weird news..." |
164 | 00:09:35,784 | 00:09:39,121 | Or does God just make 'em fresh like farm raised salmon? | Or does God just make 'em fresh like farm raised salmon? |
165 | 00:09:39,121 | 00:09:43,375 | He just whips up 72 women. | He just whips up 72 women. |
166 | 00:09:43,375 | 00:09:46,294 | "All right. Nobody fuck these. I'm saving them for that guy." | "All right. Nobody fuck these. I'm saving them for that guy." |
167 | 00:09:50,007 | 00:09:51,717 | It's a weird concept. | It's a weird concept. |
168 | 00:09:51,717 | 00:09:54,637 | You get your own 72 virgins for all eternity. | You get your own 72 virgins for all eternity. |
169 | 00:09:54,637 | 00:09:58,181 | First of all, they're only virgins when you first get them. | First of all, they're only virgins when you first get them. |
170 | 00:09:58,181 | 00:10:01,977 | Once you start fucking them, it's over. | Once you start fucking them, it's over. |
171 | 00:10:01,977 | 00:10:04,897 | After a week, he's like, "I only have three left." | After a week, he's like, "I only have three left." |
172 | 00:10:09,317 | 00:10:11,737 | "And 69 whores." | "And 69 whores." |
173 | 00:10:15,073 | 00:10:17,951 | That has to be one of the more confusing moments in God's life | That has to be one of the more confusing moments in God's life |
174 | 00:10:17,951 | 00:10:20,829 | when he's handing off 72 virgins | when he's handing off 72 virgins |
175 | 00:10:20,829 | 00:10:24,457 | to some guy who just blew up a bus in Tel Aviv, | to some guy who just blew up a bus in Tel Aviv, |
176 | 00:10:24,457 | 00:10:28,211 | and he's like, "All right. Uh... | and he's like, "All right. Uh... |
177 | 00:10:28,211 | 00:10:33,175 | The fuck am I doing? I don't even know anymore. | The fuck am I doing? I don't even know anymore. |
178 | 00:10:33,175 | 00:10:36,929 | I need a drink." | I need a drink." |
179 | 00:10:36,929 | 00:10:40,432 | I'm curious about God. I'm curious about his life. | I'm curious about God. I'm curious about his life. |
180 | 00:10:40,432 | 00:10:41,892 | I'm curious about God's existence. | I'm curious about God's existence. |
181 | 00:10:41,892 | 00:10:43,435 | What's that like to be God? | What's that like to be God? |
182 | 00:10:43,435 | 00:10:44,937 | You know, we don't know anything about him. | You know, we don't know anything about him. |
183 | 00:10:44,937 | 00:10:46,313 | I think one reason people don't believe in him, | I think one reason people don't believe in him, |
184 | 00:10:46,313 | 00:10:47,856 | because we don't have a sense of God | because we don't have a sense of God |
185 | 00:10:47,856 | 00:10:49,024 | because he doesn't say anything anymore. | because he doesn't say anything anymore. |
186 | 00:10:49,024 | 00:10:50,526 | Used to talk all the time, | Used to talk all the time, |
187 | 00:10:50,526 | 00:10:51,902 | used to go up to people on the street, "Hey!" | used to go up to people on the street, "Hey!" |
188 | 00:10:54,905 | 00:10:59,326 | Writing on the rocks -- "Look at that! Do it!" | Writing on the rocks -- "Look at that! Do it!" |
189 | 00:10:59,326 | 00:11:00,953 | And it was conf-- Everybody's like, | And it was conf-- Everybody's like, |
190 | 00:11:00,953 | 00:11:02,996 | trying to figure it out. | trying to figure it out. |
191 | 00:11:02,996 | 00:11:04,331 | And then for 2,000 years, he just -- | And then for 2,000 years, he just -- |
192 | 00:11:04,331 | 00:11:08,293 | "Mm, meh." Nothing! Says nothing! | "Mm, meh." Nothing! Says nothing! |
193 | 00:11:08,293 | 00:11:09,712 | And everybody's fighting. | And everybody's fighting. |
194 | 00:11:09,712 | 00:11:10,963 | He could clear a lot of shit up | He could clear a lot of shit up |
195 | 00:11:10,963 | 00:11:13,090 | with a five-minute press conference. | with a five-minute press conference. |
196 | 00:11:15,133 | 00:11:19,221 | If God spoke for five minutes, he'd solve a lot of problems. | If God spoke for five minutes, he'd solve a lot of problems. |
197 | 00:11:19,221 | 00:11:21,557 | He'd just show up, "All right, everybody, yeah, I'm the Lord. | He'd just show up, "All right, everybody, yeah, I'm the Lord. |
198 | 00:11:21,557 | 00:11:25,268 | Okay, real quick. | Okay, real quick. |
199 | 00:11:25,268 | 00:11:27,730 | First of all, Mormons, just: no. | First of all, Mormons, just: no. |
200 | 00:11:31,942 | 00:11:35,237 | What is that? Just go home. | What is that? Just go home. |
201 | 00:11:35,237 | 00:11:37,656 | Also, Jews with the little things, what the fuck? | Also, Jews with the little things, what the fuck? |
202 | 00:11:37,656 | 00:11:39,241 | I don't know... | I don't know... |
203 | 00:11:39,241 | 00:11:41,827 | Put a hat on or don't, nobody gives a shit. | Put a hat on or don't, nobody gives a shit. |
204 | 00:11:41,827 | 00:11:44,538 | This is weird. I hate these. I hate them. | This is weird. I hate these. I hate them. |
205 | 00:11:44,538 | 00:11:47,165 | I sent everybody with one of those to hell every day. | I sent everybody with one of those to hell every day. |
206 | 00:11:47,165 | 00:11:49,459 | I do. It's just my thing. Just so you know. | I do. It's just my thing. Just so you know. |
207 | 00:11:49,459 | 00:11:53,130 | Do what you want, but that's where you're going. | Do what you want, but that's where you're going. |
208 | 00:11:53,130 | 00:11:55,298 | Now, you know. | Now, you know. |
209 | 00:11:55,298 | 00:11:57,217 | Also, I don't care who you fuck. | Also, I don't care who you fuck. |
210 | 00:11:57,217 | 00:11:59,678 | I don't care. It never mattered. | I don't care. It never mattered. |
211 | 00:11:59,678 | 00:12:01,138 | It was Adam and Eve and Steve. | It was Adam and Eve and Steve. |
212 | 00:12:01,138 | 00:12:02,890 | They were all fucking each other. | They were all fucking each other. |
213 | 00:12:02,890 | 00:12:04,850 | I was jerking off to it. It was a great time. | I was jerking off to it. It was a great time. |
214 | 00:12:04,850 | 00:12:06,644 | So it's not an issue for me. | So it's not an issue for me. |
215 | 00:12:06,644 | 00:12:10,355 | I don't know why it is for you. | I don't know why it is for you. |
216 | 00:12:10,355 | 00:12:14,693 | Have fun and use all the holes, that's what I say. | Have fun and use all the holes, that's what I say. |
217 | 00:12:14,693 | 00:12:16,444 | Also, you're supposed to fuck the animals. | Also, you're supposed to fuck the animals. |
218 | 00:12:16,444 | 00:12:19,865 | That's why I made them! | That's why I made them! |
219 | 00:12:19,865 | 00:12:23,869 | Why are you not fucking the animals?! | Why are you not fucking the animals?! |
220 | 00:12:23,869 | 00:12:26,997 | There's only like 30,000 of you fucking the animals. | There's only like 30,000 of you fucking the animals. |
221 | 00:12:30,167 | 00:12:32,044 | What are the rest of you -- You're eating them?! | What are the rest of you -- You're eating them?! |
222 | 00:12:32,044 | 00:12:33,837 | That's disgusting! | That's disgusting! |
223 | 00:12:36,214 | 00:12:38,592 | What is wrong with you? | What is wrong with you? |
224 | 00:12:38,592 | 00:12:41,053 | How could you eat a perfectly fuckable pig." | How could you eat a perfectly fuckable pig." |
225 | 00:12:46,892 | 00:12:48,561 | Sayeth the Lord. | Sayeth the Lord. |
226 | 00:12:54,066 | 00:12:56,860 | Well, it's nice to be in Washington, D.C., | Well, it's nice to be in Washington, D.C., |
227 | 00:12:56,860 | 00:12:58,445 | where -- I was born here. | where -- I was born here. |
228 | 00:13:01,323 | 00:13:03,867 | I like it here, 'cause I like any city, I like cities. | I like it here, 'cause I like any city, I like cities. |
229 | 00:13:03,867 | 00:13:05,869 | I don't like cities that are too advanced. | I don't like cities that are too advanced. |
230 | 00:13:05,869 | 00:13:07,495 | You know, I was in Zurich. | You know, I was in Zurich. |
231 | 00:13:07,495 | 00:13:09,414 | And they have so much sh-- you know, they're like, | And they have so much sh-- you know, they're like, |
232 | 00:13:09,414 | 00:13:12,084 | "Here's the bike, you want a bicycle? It's yours. | "Here's the bike, you want a bicycle? It's yours. |
233 | 00:13:12,084 | 00:13:16,839 | Just have it, it's nice." | Just have it, it's nice." |
234 | 00:13:16,839 | 00:13:20,926 | And they have the garbage with the eight fuckin' holes | And they have the garbage with the eight fuckin' holes |
235 | 00:13:20,926 | 00:13:23,929 | of different shapes -- it's like an IQ test for a monkey. | of different shapes -- it's like an IQ test for a monkey. |
236 | 00:13:23,929 | 00:13:25,931 | I don't know what the fuck. | I don't know what the fuck. |
237 | 00:13:25,931 | 00:13:29,101 | There's one hole has a picture of a cup, and the next one | There's one hole has a picture of a cup, and the next one |
238 | 00:13:29,101 | 00:13:33,063 | is a picture of a cup that's a little different. | is a picture of a cup that's a little different. |
239 | 00:13:33,063 | 00:13:34,397 | I'm standing there with a dead baby, | I'm standing there with a dead baby, |
240 | 00:13:34,397 | 00:13:38,276 | I don't know where I'm supposed to... | I don't know where I'm supposed to... |
241 | 00:13:38,276 | 00:13:39,528 | What am I suppose to do with that? | What am I suppose to do with that? |
242 | 00:13:39,528 | 00:13:41,572 | It doesn't go in the newspapers slot, | It doesn't go in the newspapers slot, |
243 | 00:13:41,572 | 00:13:43,115 | but otherwise, I don't know. | but otherwise, I don't know. |
244 | 00:13:47,494 | 00:13:49,454 | I like cities, I don't like little places. | I like cities, I don't like little places. |
245 | 00:13:49,454 | 00:13:51,414 | When I go to Europe, I go to the big cities. | When I go to Europe, I go to the big cities. |
246 | 00:13:51,414 | 00:13:53,333 | Everybody tells you, "Don't go to Madrid. | Everybody tells you, "Don't go to Madrid. |
247 | 00:13:53,333 | 00:13:55,794 | Yeah. Just go to Madrid for like a day. | Yeah. Just go to Madrid for like a day. |
248 | 00:13:55,794 | 00:13:58,506 | And then you got to take a train and you have to go to | And then you got to take a train and you have to go to |
249 | 00:14:06,304 | 00:14:11,685 | It's a beautiful little old village | It's a beautiful little old village |
250 | 00:14:11,685 | 00:14:13,937 | and you're gonna love it." | and you're gonna love it." |
251 | 00:14:13,937 | 00:14:15,147 | Fuck you, you don't know me. | Fuck you, you don't know me. |
252 | 00:14:15,147 | 00:14:17,816 | I'm not going to love a village | I'm not going to love a village |
253 | 00:14:17,816 | 00:14:20,360 | in Europe | in Europe |
254 | 00:14:20,360 | 00:14:25,073 | with a bell that goes "pang," like, whenever, | with a bell that goes "pang," like, whenever, |
255 | 00:14:25,073 | 00:14:27,826 | and a dog walking alone. | and a dog walking alone. |
256 | 00:14:32,289 | 00:14:34,583 | I don't like cute little places. | I don't like cute little places. |
257 | 00:14:34,583 | 00:14:36,669 | I don't like little towns in America either, | I don't like little towns in America either, |
258 | 00:14:36,669 | 00:14:38,211 | with little shops. | with little shops. |
259 | 00:14:38,211 | 00:14:41,381 | "Oh, look at that little shop! | "Oh, look at that little shop! |
260 | 00:14:41,381 | 00:14:45,844 | Let's go in that little shop." | Let's go in that little shop." |
261 | 00:14:45,844 | 00:14:49,264 | Nah, let's get a divorce. Isn't that a better idea? | Nah, let's get a divorce. Isn't that a better idea? |
262 | 00:14:49,264 | 00:14:53,435 | You go in there, I'll just walk away. | You go in there, I'll just walk away. |
263 | 00:14:53,435 | 00:14:56,104 | Just tell the kids I was a pilot and I got shot down. | Just tell the kids I was a pilot and I got shot down. |
264 | 00:15:00,442 | 00:15:01,819 | I don't like little shops. | I don't like little shops. |
265 | 00:15:01,819 | 00:15:04,279 | I'm uncomfortable in a little shop. | I'm uncomfortable in a little shop. |
266 | 00:15:04,279 | 00:15:07,533 | You go in, it's like, "cli-li-ling-ling, | You go in, it's like, "cli-li-ling-ling, |
267 | 00:15:07,533 | 00:15:09,409 | cli-li-ling." | cli-li-ling." |
268 | 00:15:13,664 | 00:15:15,123 | Now it's just you and her. | Now it's just you and her. |
269 | 00:15:20,045 | 00:15:22,631 | You're surrounded by her dream. | You're surrounded by her dream. |
270 | 00:15:27,344 | 00:15:29,471 | And you can't just, "Ugh!" and leave! | And you can't just, "Ugh!" and leave! |
271 | 00:15:29,471 | 00:15:31,974 | Well, you... | Well, you... |
272 | 00:15:31,974 | 00:15:35,268 | She saw you, you have to go all the way in now | She saw you, you have to go all the way in now |
273 | 00:15:35,268 | 00:15:38,021 | and look at all the little crafts that she made. | and look at all the little crafts that she made. |
274 | 00:15:53,704 | 00:15:55,998 | You made this? Really? | You made this? Really? |
275 | 00:15:55,998 | 00:15:58,667 | You made this instead of killing yourself? | You made this instead of killing yourself? |
276 | 00:16:09,094 | 00:16:10,638 | I fucking wish I was that mean. | I fucking wish I was that mean. |
277 | 00:16:10,638 | 00:16:12,180 | I really do. | I really do. |
278 | 00:16:12,180 | 00:16:14,349 | All my fantasies are about being mean, | All my fantasies are about being mean, |
279 | 00:16:14,349 | 00:16:16,393 | just having the balls | just having the balls |
280 | 00:16:16,393 | 00:16:18,521 | to, like, walk in a little store like that and just go like, | to, like, walk in a little store like that and just go like, |
281 | 00:16:18,521 | 00:16:20,648 | "Oh, I don't like this at all. | "Oh, I don't like this at all. |
282 | 00:16:20,648 | 00:16:22,608 | I don't like it in here. Unh-uh. | I don't like it in here. Unh-uh. |
283 | 00:16:22,608 | 00:16:24,693 | What's your name? Debbie? Fuck you, Debbie. | What's your name? Debbie? Fuck you, Debbie. |
284 | 00:16:24,693 | 00:16:26,361 | I don't like your store. | I don't like your store. |
285 | 00:16:32,159 | 00:16:34,452 | I was in Florida recently, I don't like Florida at all, | I was in Florida recently, I don't like Florida at all, |
286 | 00:16:34,452 | 00:16:37,748 | it's a shit state full of shit people, that's what I think. | it's a shit state full of shit people, that's what I think. |
287 | 00:16:37,748 | 00:16:40,918 | Hate Florida. I hate it. I hate the whole thing. | Hate Florida. I hate it. I hate the whole thing. |
288 | 00:16:40,918 | 00:16:42,670 | The whole -- the entire -- | The whole -- the entire -- |
289 | 00:16:42,670 | 00:16:44,296 | it looks like -- it doesn't look like a dick. | it looks like -- it doesn't look like a dick. |
290 | 00:16:44,296 | 00:16:45,964 | People say that; it looks like a shit coming out. | People say that; it looks like a shit coming out. |
291 | 00:16:45,964 | 00:16:49,134 | If you look at it, it's like America's ass, | If you look at it, it's like America's ass, |
292 | 00:16:49,134 | 00:16:51,053 | and it's a shit that's just -- | and it's a shit that's just -- |
293 | 00:16:51,053 | 00:16:52,763 | that you're trying to... | that you're trying to... |
294 | 00:16:52,763 | 00:16:54,932 | And there's a little -- Cuba's like a little -- | And there's a little -- Cuba's like a little -- |
295 | 00:16:54,932 | 00:16:57,392 | Pbbt! That came first. | Pbbt! That came first. |
296 | 00:16:57,392 | 00:16:58,977 | That's what I think of Florida. | That's what I think of Florida. |
297 | 00:16:58,977 | 00:17:00,688 | Every time there's a hurricane, I'm like, | Every time there's a hurricane, I'm like, |
298 | 00:17:00,688 | 00:17:04,066 | "Yeah, get 'em! Get 'em all, Melissa!" | "Yeah, get 'em! Get 'em all, Melissa!" |
299 | 00:17:04,066 | 00:17:07,778 | No, I don't mean any of that. I was just funnin'. | No, I don't mean any of that. I was just funnin'. |
300 | 00:17:07,778 | 00:17:09,572 | Just fun to pretend. | Just fun to pretend. |
301 | 00:17:13,075 | 00:17:15,327 | I was in a sushi restaurant in Florida. | I was in a sushi restaurant in Florida. |
302 | 00:17:15,327 | 00:17:17,120 | And it was empty -- you ever go in a restaurant | And it was empty -- you ever go in a restaurant |
303 | 00:17:17,120 | 00:17:18,413 | and it's open, but it's -- | and it's open, but it's -- |
304 | 00:17:18,413 | 00:17:20,248 | you're literally the only person in there. | you're literally the only person in there. |
305 | 00:17:20,248 | 00:17:23,627 | You walk in, the staff is like sitting at the tables, you know, | You walk in, the staff is like sitting at the tables, you know, |
306 | 00:17:23,627 | 00:17:25,212 | and you walk in, you're like, "Are you open?" | and you walk in, you're like, "Are you open?" |
307 | 00:17:25,212 | 00:17:28,131 | They're like, "Yeah." And you go, "Oh, good." | They're like, "Yeah." And you go, "Oh, good." |
308 | 00:17:28,131 | 00:17:30,593 | And you -- and they're like, "Aww, pfft! | And you -- and they're like, "Aww, pfft! |
309 | 00:17:30,593 | 00:17:32,761 | We gotta fire up the whole fuckin' restaurant | We gotta fire up the whole fuckin' restaurant |
310 | 00:17:32,761 | 00:17:36,139 | for this one guy now?" | for this one guy now?" |
311 | 00:17:36,139 | 00:17:38,726 | So I ordered a lot of sushi because I felt bad | So I ordered a lot of sushi because I felt bad |
312 | 00:17:38,726 | 00:17:40,603 | for wasting their time, and, um... | for wasting their time, and, um... |
313 | 00:17:40,603 | 00:17:43,188 | And I -- I didn't eat most of it | And I -- I didn't eat most of it |
314 | 00:17:43,188 | 00:17:44,773 | because I don't like sushi. | because I don't like sushi. |
315 | 00:17:44,773 | 00:17:47,150 | And, um -- so the waitress comes over. | And, um -- so the waitress comes over. |
316 | 00:17:47,150 | 00:17:52,447 | She's Japanese and she says, "You no finish?" | She's Japanese and she says, "You no finish?" |
317 | 00:17:52,447 | 00:17:54,116 | Which is what she said. I'm not... | Which is what she said. I'm not... |
318 | 00:17:56,827 | 00:17:59,287 | It's just what she said, I can't... | It's just what she said, I can't... |
319 | 00:17:59,287 | 00:18:02,457 | I'm not gonna change what she fucking said. | I'm not gonna change what she fucking said. |
320 | 00:18:02,457 | 00:18:04,167 | I'm not gonna lie to ya and say that | I'm not gonna lie to ya and say that |
321 | 00:18:04,167 | 00:18:05,628 | she said, "You're not going to finish that," | she said, "You're not going to finish that," |
322 | 00:18:05,628 | 00:18:09,632 | because it doesn't happen to be what she said. | because it doesn't happen to be what she said. |
323 | 00:18:09,632 | 00:18:12,134 | And I have to do the accent because it's weird | And I have to do the accent because it's weird |
324 | 00:18:12,134 | 00:18:16,471 | if I tell you she said, "You no finish?" | if I tell you she said, "You no finish?" |
325 | 00:18:16,471 | 00:18:19,182 | So I'm stuck. | So I'm stuck. |
326 | 00:18:19,182 | 00:18:21,769 | I'm just telling you what happened. | I'm just telling you what happened. |
327 | 00:18:21,769 | 00:18:25,105 | She said, "You no finish?" | She said, "You no finish?" |
328 | 00:18:25,105 | 00:18:27,733 | "Whoo, you no finish!" | "Whoo, you no finish!" |
329 | 00:18:30,318 | 00:18:32,487 | That's exactly what she said. | That's exactly what she said. |
330 | 00:18:32,487 | 00:18:35,365 | It's a perfect replica. | It's a perfect replica. |
331 | 00:18:39,077 | 00:18:41,747 | No, it was subtle. | No, it was subtle. |
332 | 00:18:41,747 | 00:18:45,793 | She said, "You no finish?" | She said, "You no finish?" |
333 | 00:18:45,793 | 00:18:50,422 | And I said, "No, I no finish." | And I said, "No, I no finish." |
334 | 00:18:50,422 | 00:18:51,799 | Because I think that's -- | Because I think that's -- |
335 | 00:18:51,799 | 00:18:54,092 | I think it's polite | I think it's polite |
336 | 00:18:54,092 | 00:18:57,179 | to repeat people's bad English to them. | to repeat people's bad English to them. |
337 | 00:18:57,179 | 00:18:59,515 | Otherwise, you're being a dick, it's like, "You no finish?" | Otherwise, you're being a dick, it's like, "You no finish?" |
338 | 00:18:59,515 | 00:19:01,934 | No, I am not going to finish. | No, I am not going to finish. |
339 | 00:19:05,896 | 00:19:08,566 | You left out a lot of words. | You left out a lot of words. |
340 | 00:19:11,985 | 00:19:14,530 | I took the liberty of restoring them. | I took the liberty of restoring them. |
341 | 00:19:20,077 | 00:19:23,080 | I was in upstate New York in a small town, | I was in upstate New York in a small town, |
342 | 00:19:23,080 | 00:19:26,291 | and I was standing in front of a drugstore. | and I was standing in front of a drugstore. |
343 | 00:19:26,291 | 00:19:27,793 | And in the window of the drugstore, | And in the window of the drugstore, |
344 | 00:19:27,793 | 00:19:32,089 | they had a wheelchair on display in the window. | they had a wheelchair on display in the window. |
345 | 00:19:32,089 | 00:19:36,051 | Is that really an impulse purchase? | Is that really an impulse purchase? |
346 | 00:19:38,804 | 00:19:41,431 | "Hmm... | "Hmm... |
347 | 00:19:41,431 | 00:19:45,393 | I should get a wheelchair. | I should get a wheelchair. |
348 | 00:19:45,393 | 00:19:48,063 | That would really help | That would really help |
349 | 00:19:48,063 | 00:19:52,985 | with my paralysis. | with my paralysis. |
350 | 00:19:52,985 | 00:19:56,655 | Then I wouldn't have to drag myself | Then I wouldn't have to drag myself |
351 | 00:19:56,655 | 00:19:58,699 | everywhere I go | everywhere I go |
352 | 00:19:58,699 | 00:20:01,994 | like I've been doing for 10 years | like I've been doing for 10 years |
353 | 00:20:01,994 | 00:20:04,454 | since my legs were blown off | since my legs were blown off |
354 | 00:20:04,454 | 00:20:06,456 | at the marathon." | at the marathon." |
355 | 00:20:17,676 | 00:20:21,514 | Okay. Okay. | Okay. Okay. |
356 | 00:20:21,514 | 00:20:24,099 | Bunch of fuckin' hypocrites, apparently, | Bunch of fuckin' hypocrites, apparently, |
357 | 00:20:24,099 | 00:20:26,602 | because let me point somethin' out to you. | because let me point somethin' out to you. |
358 | 00:20:26,602 | 00:20:29,563 | Let me point somethin' out to you motherfuckers. | Let me point somethin' out to you motherfuckers. |
359 | 00:20:29,563 | 00:20:31,314 | You are just, like, seconds ago, | You are just, like, seconds ago, |
360 | 00:20:31,314 | 00:20:36,654 | laughing at a man with no legs crawling on the ground. | laughing at a man with no legs crawling on the ground. |
361 | 00:20:36,654 | 00:20:38,238 | You're just -- | You're just -- |
362 | 00:20:40,240 | 00:20:41,742 | And then at the end, you're like, | And then at the end, you're like, |
363 | 00:20:41,742 | 00:20:46,038 | "Oh, but not those particular legless people. | "Oh, but not those particular legless people. |
364 | 00:20:46,038 | 00:20:48,624 | No! | No! |
365 | 00:20:48,624 | 00:20:50,208 | We thought you meant just some asshole | We thought you meant just some asshole |
366 | 00:20:50,208 | 00:20:53,546 | with a childhood disease | with a childhood disease |
367 | 00:20:53,546 | 00:20:56,507 | who deserves to be laughed at. | who deserves to be laughed at. |
368 | 00:20:56,507 | 00:21:00,468 | Not one of those." | Not one of those." |
369 | 00:21:00,468 | 00:21:05,265 | No, we're laughing at all legless people equally. | No, we're laughing at all legless people equally. |
370 | 00:21:05,265 | 00:21:08,060 | However you lost your legs: | However you lost your legs: |
371 | 00:21:08,060 | 00:21:11,605 | Ha-ha-ha, | Ha-ha-ha, |
372 | 00:21:11,605 | 00:21:14,567 | you haven't legs. | you haven't legs. |
373 | 00:21:17,027 | 00:21:19,279 | And we've legs. | And we've legs. |
374 | 00:21:23,992 | 00:21:26,579 | I have legs -- I have two legs. Two fucking legs -- | I have legs -- I have two legs. Two fucking legs -- |
375 | 00:21:26,579 | 00:21:28,121 | that's the maximum amount. | that's the maximum amount. |
376 | 00:21:28,121 | 00:21:31,959 | Fuckin' love having two legs. | Fuckin' love having two legs. |
377 | 00:21:31,959 | 00:21:33,627 | I fucking love it. | I fucking love it. |
378 | 00:21:33,627 | 00:21:34,878 | I wouldn't like having no legs. | I wouldn't like having no legs. |
379 | 00:21:34,878 | 00:21:37,005 | I really don't think I would like it. | I really don't think I would like it. |
380 | 00:21:37,005 | 00:21:38,674 | I think it would suck. | I think it would suck. |
381 | 00:21:38,674 | 00:21:40,676 | I think would suck shit out of the balls of Christ. | I think would suck shit out of the balls of Christ. |
382 | 00:21:43,554 | 00:21:45,263 | It's an old Southern expression, it's not.... | It's an old Southern expression, it's not.... |
383 | 00:21:45,263 | 00:21:48,058 | Used like it used to be. | Used like it used to be. |
384 | 00:21:50,102 | 00:21:51,770 | I think two legs is better than none. | I think two legs is better than none. |
385 | 00:21:51,770 | 00:21:53,146 | That's what I think. | That's what I think. |
386 | 00:21:53,146 | 00:21:55,649 | That's just my opinion. It's not popular. | That's just my opinion. It's not popular. |
387 | 00:21:55,649 | 00:21:57,359 | You're not supposed to say that because you're supposed to | You're not supposed to say that because you're supposed to |
388 | 00:21:57,359 | 00:22:00,487 | always be very positive about disabled people. | always be very positive about disabled people. |
389 | 00:22:00,487 | 00:22:03,323 | But I think that puts pressure on them to be positive. | But I think that puts pressure on them to be positive. |
390 | 00:22:03,323 | 00:22:04,867 | What if they don't want to be? | What if they don't want to be? |
391 | 00:22:04,867 | 00:22:06,744 | Because the only story we want to hear is about | Because the only story we want to hear is about |
392 | 00:22:06,744 | 00:22:09,622 | the amazing disabled people -- "He's amazing." | the amazing disabled people -- "He's amazing." |
393 | 00:22:09,622 | 00:22:13,125 | "He lost his legs, then he won the leg having contest." | "He lost his legs, then he won the leg having contest." |
394 | 00:22:14,835 | 00:22:16,629 | What about disabled people who aren't amazing, | What about disabled people who aren't amazing, |
395 | 00:22:16,629 | 00:22:18,463 | who are just ordinary with a sweatshirt | who are just ordinary with a sweatshirt |
396 | 00:22:18,463 | 00:22:20,048 | and some potato chips, and he's going, | and some potato chips, and he's going, |
397 | 00:22:20,048 | 00:22:22,300 | "Fuck, I wish I had legs." "No! | "Fuck, I wish I had legs." "No! |
398 | 00:22:22,300 | 00:22:25,303 | No, this is better! It's better with no legs." | No, this is better! It's better with no legs." |
399 | 00:22:25,303 | 00:22:27,389 | "Why is it better?" Because you can do anything now. | "Why is it better?" Because you can do anything now. |
400 | 00:22:27,389 | 00:22:29,349 | I can do four things. Fuck off. | I can do four things. Fuck off. |
401 | 00:22:32,019 | 00:22:34,813 | I just don't know that our positive non-disabled | I just don't know that our positive non-disabled |
402 | 00:22:34,813 | 00:22:36,148 | attitude really helps. | attitude really helps. |
403 | 00:22:36,148 | 00:22:37,858 | Like retarded people -- let's -- | Like retarded people -- let's -- |
404 | 00:22:37,858 | 00:22:41,319 | we're gonna talk about retarded people for 20 minutes. | we're gonna talk about retarded people for 20 minutes. |
405 | 00:22:41,319 | 00:22:44,197 | Just -- that's what's gonna happen. | Just -- that's what's gonna happen. |
406 | 00:22:44,197 | 00:22:47,618 | We're going to discuss retarded people | We're going to discuss retarded people |
407 | 00:22:47,618 | 00:22:49,912 | for 20 minutes. | for 20 minutes. |
408 | 00:22:49,912 | 00:22:52,372 | It's not okay to not -- never speak of them. | It's not okay to not -- never speak of them. |
409 | 00:22:52,372 | 00:22:55,125 | No, we're gonna talk about them. | No, we're gonna talk about them. |
410 | 00:22:55,125 | 00:22:56,669 | First of all, I want -- | First of all, I want -- |
411 | 00:22:56,669 | 00:22:58,170 | mostly I wanna talk about the word "retarded." | mostly I wanna talk about the word "retarded." |
412 | 00:22:58,170 | 00:23:00,548 | Okay? Because the word retarded, it's a bad word | Okay? Because the word retarded, it's a bad word |
413 | 00:23:00,548 | 00:23:02,758 | and people do not like the word retarded, | and people do not like the word retarded, |
414 | 00:23:02,758 | 00:23:04,092 | they find it very offensive. | they find it very offensive. |
415 | 00:23:04,092 | 00:23:05,719 | Now, I'm a little confused by this | Now, I'm a little confused by this |
416 | 00:23:05,719 | 00:23:07,555 | because it wasn't always a bad word. | because it wasn't always a bad word. |
417 | 00:23:07,555 | 00:23:10,140 | And I grew up in the '70s and it wasn't bad back then. | And I grew up in the '70s and it wasn't bad back then. |
418 | 00:23:10,140 | 00:23:12,309 | And you most bad words were always bad, you know. | And you most bad words were always bad, you know. |
419 | 00:23:12,309 | 00:23:14,394 | "Cunt" never had a day in the sun. | "Cunt" never had a day in the sun. |
420 | 00:23:14,394 | 00:23:16,730 | There was never a... | There was never a... |
421 | 00:23:16,730 | 00:23:18,857 | a time where the Santa Clause of the mall was like, | a time where the Santa Clause of the mall was like, |
422 | 00:23:18,857 | 00:23:20,233 | "C'mere, you little cunt. | "C'mere, you little cunt. |
423 | 00:23:20,233 | 00:23:21,569 | Tell me what you want for Christmas." | Tell me what you want for Christmas." |
424 | 00:23:25,155 | 00:23:26,699 | And then in the '90s, we're like, | And then in the '90s, we're like, |
425 | 00:23:26,699 | 00:23:29,868 | "Let's lay off of 'cunt' a little bit there, gang." | "Let's lay off of 'cunt' a little bit there, gang." |
426 | 00:23:31,328 | 00:23:33,163 | No, the word -- we used the word retarded | No, the word -- we used the word retarded |
427 | 00:23:33,163 | 00:23:34,497 | in the '70s, | in the '70s, |
428 | 00:23:34,497 | 00:23:36,041 | we used it to identify | we used it to identify |
429 | 00:23:36,041 | 00:23:38,502 | people who were retarded. | people who were retarded. |
430 | 00:23:43,381 | 00:23:45,258 | It wasn't controversial, it wasn't like -- | It wasn't controversial, it wasn't like -- |
431 | 00:23:45,258 | 00:23:46,719 | "He's retarded." | "He's retarded." |
432 | 00:23:46,719 | 00:23:48,011 | It was like, "He is retarded." | It was like, "He is retarded." |
433 | 00:23:51,932 | 00:23:54,518 | This fellow right here | This fellow right here |
434 | 00:23:54,518 | 00:23:56,061 | is retarded, right? | is retarded, right? |
435 | 00:23:56,061 | 00:23:57,229 | I told you, yes, you're still retarded. | I told you, yes, you're still retarded. |
436 | 00:23:57,229 | 00:23:59,940 | He is retarded, everyone. | He is retarded, everyone. |
437 | 00:23:59,940 | 00:24:02,651 | And I grew up in Boston. | And I grew up in Boston. |
438 | 00:24:02,651 | 00:24:04,695 | We didn't say "retarded" in Boston. | We didn't say "retarded" in Boston. |
439 | 00:24:04,695 | 00:24:05,946 | We said "re-tah-ded." | We said "re-tah-ded." |
440 | 00:24:05,946 | 00:24:09,032 | "He's re-tah-ded." | "He's re-tah-ded." |
441 | 00:24:09,032 | 00:24:12,452 | "God bless him, he's fuckin' re-tah-ded." | "God bless him, he's fuckin' re-tah-ded." |
442 | 00:24:16,331 | 00:24:18,166 | That's the way we used it! | That's the way we used it! |
443 | 00:24:18,166 | 00:24:20,628 | Help the retarded. | Help the retarded. |
444 | 00:24:20,628 | 00:24:22,755 | That's what people said in the '70s. | That's what people said in the '70s. |
445 | 00:24:22,755 | 00:24:24,381 | "Help the retarded." | "Help the retarded." |
446 | 00:24:24,381 | 00:24:26,299 | There was a lady outside the supermarket near my house | There was a lady outside the supermarket near my house |
447 | 00:24:26,299 | 00:24:27,843 | every Christmas with a bell, she was like, | every Christmas with a bell, she was like, |
448 | 00:24:27,843 | 00:24:30,721 | "Help the retarded! | "Help the retarded! |
449 | 00:24:30,721 | 00:24:33,265 | Help the fucking retarded!" | Help the fucking retarded!" |
450 | 00:24:35,893 | 00:24:38,896 | You gonna tell me she was a bad person? | You gonna tell me she was a bad person? |
451 | 00:24:38,896 | 00:24:40,773 | She was helpin' the retarded. | She was helpin' the retarded. |
452 | 00:24:42,983 | 00:24:45,027 | And I feel like we had more of them around back then. | And I feel like we had more of them around back then. |
453 | 00:24:45,027 | 00:24:47,154 | I haven't seen one in years. | I haven't seen one in years. |
454 | 00:24:47,154 | 00:24:49,990 | In the '70s, there was a retarded guy in a windbreaker | In the '70s, there was a retarded guy in a windbreaker |
455 | 00:24:49,990 | 00:24:52,117 | on every street corner. | on every street corner. |
456 | 00:24:55,162 | 00:24:58,081 | They -- we were using the word and they were more in our lives. | They -- we were using the word and they were more in our lives. |
457 | 00:24:58,081 | 00:25:00,083 | I swear to God, they were more. | I swear to God, they were more. |
458 | 00:25:00,083 | 00:25:02,085 | They were in our culture. | They were in our culture. |
459 | 00:25:02,085 | 00:25:04,963 | There was TV movies about retarded people all the time. | There was TV movies about retarded people all the time. |
460 | 00:25:04,963 | 00:25:09,718 | "Tonight on ABC, 'A Retarded Boy's Dream'." | "Tonight on ABC, 'A Retarded Boy's Dream'." |
461 | 00:25:09,718 | 00:25:11,428 | There was one I remember with Shaun Cassidy, | There was one I remember with Shaun Cassidy, |
462 | 00:25:11,428 | 00:25:13,305 | I don't know if you remember Shaun Cassidy, | I don't know if you remember Shaun Cassidy, |
463 | 00:25:13,305 | 00:25:15,558 | some of you are too young, but Shaun Cassidy, | some of you are too young, but Shaun Cassidy, |
464 | 00:25:15,558 | 00:25:18,519 | he began his career as a teen pop idol. | he began his career as a teen pop idol. |
465 | 00:25:18,519 | 00:25:21,229 | He was a 13 year old boy with a very hit song | He was a 13 year old boy with a very hit song |
466 | 00:25:21,229 | 00:25:23,190 | called "Da Doo Ron Ron." | called "Da Doo Ron Ron." |
467 | 00:25:23,190 | 00:25:27,945 | And he had feathered blond hair and juicy lips. | And he had feathered blond hair and juicy lips. |
468 | 00:25:27,945 | 00:25:31,782 | He was on the cover of Teen Beat magazine, like... | He was on the cover of Teen Beat magazine, like... |
469 | 00:25:31,782 | 00:25:33,366 | And everybody likes Shaun Cassidy | And everybody likes Shaun Cassidy |
470 | 00:25:33,366 | 00:25:34,743 | 'cause he was sexy. | 'cause he was sexy. |
471 | 00:25:34,743 | 00:25:35,786 | Was a sexy boy. | Was a sexy boy. |
472 | 00:25:35,786 | 00:25:37,621 | I thought he was sexy. | I thought he was sexy. |
473 | 00:25:37,621 | 00:25:38,956 | I -- I thought he was really sexy. | I -- I thought he was really sexy. |
474 | 00:25:38,956 | 00:25:41,124 | I was six years old, | I was six years old, |
475 | 00:25:41,124 | 00:25:43,085 | but I already had inappropriate sex feelings | but I already had inappropriate sex feelings |
476 | 00:25:43,085 | 00:25:46,296 | for teenage boys when I was six. | for teenage boys when I was six. |
477 | 00:25:46,296 | 00:25:48,674 | I was an old soul. | I was an old soul. |
478 | 00:25:48,674 | 00:25:52,511 | I was -- | I was -- |
479 | 00:25:52,511 | 00:25:54,888 | I was a pedophile when I was six. | I was a pedophile when I was six. |
480 | 00:25:57,057 | 00:25:58,934 | I used to go up to teenage boys when I was six, | I used to go up to teenage boys when I was six, |
481 | 00:25:58,934 | 00:26:02,145 | I was like, "Hey, how's it going?" | I was like, "Hey, how's it going?" |
482 | 00:26:02,145 | 00:26:04,481 | That kid's weird, he's got a boner. | That kid's weird, he's got a boner. |
483 | 00:26:07,192 | 00:26:08,694 | Anyway.. | Anyway.. |
484 | 00:26:08,694 | 00:26:11,196 | Not anymore, I outgrew it, | Not anymore, I outgrew it, |
485 | 00:26:11,196 | 00:26:13,406 | but, uh... | but, uh... |
486 | 00:26:13,406 | 00:26:15,200 | No. | No. |
487 | 00:26:15,200 | 00:26:18,996 | I'm not -- I'm not sexually attracted to teenage boys. | I'm not -- I'm not sexually attracted to teenage boys. |
488 | 00:26:18,996 | 00:26:21,832 | I'm not. I'm not. | I'm not. I'm not. |
489 | 00:26:21,832 | 00:26:24,710 | But I don't not get it. I mean, I -- | But I don't not get it. I mean, I -- |
490 | 00:26:24,710 | 00:26:27,337 | I get it. | I get it. |
491 | 00:26:27,337 | 00:26:31,717 | I'm not like, "What?!" Like... | I'm not like, "What?!" Like... |
492 | 00:26:31,717 | 00:26:34,928 | You can see it. | You can see it. |
493 | 00:26:34,928 | 00:26:36,680 | Like, I was in an airport once | Like, I was in an airport once |
494 | 00:26:36,680 | 00:26:39,224 | and I'm walking along where people walk in the airport, | and I'm walking along where people walk in the airport, |
495 | 00:26:39,224 | 00:26:41,727 | and there was these chairs facing the aisle, | and there was these chairs facing the aisle, |
496 | 00:26:41,727 | 00:26:43,186 | and there is this family sitting there, | and there is this family sitting there, |
497 | 00:26:43,186 | 00:26:45,898 | a mom and a dad and two teenage boys. | a mom and a dad and two teenage boys. |
498 | 00:26:45,898 | 00:26:47,900 | And they're, like, just both sitting with their phones | And they're, like, just both sitting with their phones |
499 | 00:26:47,900 | 00:26:49,442 | with their legs -- they were wearing, like, | with their legs -- they were wearing, like, |
500 | 00:26:49,442 | 00:26:51,444 | these shorts -- one had cutoff shorts | these shorts -- one had cutoff shorts |
501 | 00:26:51,444 | 00:26:53,446 | and one had basketball shorts. | and one had basketball shorts. |
502 | 00:26:53,446 | 00:26:54,782 | And they both just had their legs open | And they both just had their legs open |
503 | 00:26:54,782 | 00:26:55,908 | 'cause they don't give a fuck, | 'cause they don't give a fuck, |
504 | 00:26:55,908 | 00:26:58,827 | both legs just splayed. | both legs just splayed. |
505 | 00:26:58,827 | 00:27:00,788 | And then just this -- just smooth. | And then just this -- just smooth. |
506 | 00:27:00,788 | 00:27:03,749 | You know, just very... | You know, just very... |
507 | 00:27:03,749 | 00:27:07,335 | And I saw it. | And I saw it. |
508 | 00:27:07,335 | 00:27:10,881 | Didn't give me a -- didn't do anything to me, | Didn't give me a -- didn't do anything to me, |
509 | 00:27:10,881 | 00:27:13,050 | but I kind of wanted to stop and go, | but I kind of wanted to stop and go, |
510 | 00:27:13,050 | 00:27:16,053 | "Hey, fellows, let's -- let's close that shit up, huh? | "Hey, fellows, let's -- let's close that shit up, huh? |
511 | 00:27:16,053 | 00:27:17,555 | You're not getting me, but I know you're causing | You're not getting me, but I know you're causing |
512 | 00:27:17,555 | 00:27:21,141 | a problem for somebody in this airport. | a problem for somebody in this airport. |
513 | 00:27:21,141 | 00:27:22,726 | Let's close it up." | Let's close it up." |
514 | 00:27:25,563 | 00:27:27,480 | I did not say that... | I did not say that... |
515 | 00:27:27,480 | 00:27:29,232 | Otherwise I wouldn't be here. | Otherwise I wouldn't be here. |
516 | 00:27:33,779 | 00:27:36,031 | Anyway, let's return to the comfortable subject | Anyway, let's return to the comfortable subject |
517 | 00:27:36,031 | 00:27:37,825 | of retarded people, shall we? | of retarded people, shall we? |
518 | 00:27:42,370 | 00:27:45,958 | Shaun Cassidy was a teen singer | Shaun Cassidy was a teen singer |
519 | 00:27:45,958 | 00:27:48,293 | who then grew up -- he was about 18 -- | who then grew up -- he was about 18 -- |
520 | 00:27:48,293 | 00:27:51,296 | he was, you know, old and gross. nobody wanted to fuck him. | he was, you know, old and gross. nobody wanted to fuck him. |
521 | 00:27:51,296 | 00:27:54,299 | So he started to act, and he had | So he started to act, and he had |
522 | 00:27:54,299 | 00:27:57,511 | a movie on TV called "Normal People," | a movie on TV called "Normal People," |
523 | 00:27:57,511 | 00:27:58,929 | where he played a retarded man | where he played a retarded man |
524 | 00:27:58,929 | 00:28:00,598 | who wants to live a normal life -- | who wants to live a normal life -- |
525 | 00:28:00,598 | 00:28:02,057 | it was very inspiring, actually. | it was very inspiring, actually. |
526 | 00:28:02,057 | 00:28:03,517 | And at one point he goes to -- | And at one point he goes to -- |
527 | 00:28:03,517 | 00:28:05,435 | he didn't do, like, a big retarded character. | he didn't do, like, a big retarded character. |
528 | 00:28:05,435 | 00:28:07,437 | He wore thick glasses, he talked like Elmer Fudd. | He wore thick glasses, he talked like Elmer Fudd. |
529 | 00:28:07,437 | 00:28:09,064 | That was the whole thing. | That was the whole thing. |
530 | 00:28:09,064 | 00:28:11,149 | So he goes up to the guy who runs the group home | So he goes up to the guy who runs the group home |
531 | 00:28:11,149 | 00:28:13,777 | he lives in and he says, "I want to get a job." | he lives in and he says, "I want to get a job." |
532 | 00:28:13,777 | 00:28:15,904 | And the guys who runs it is like, | And the guys who runs it is like, |
533 | 00:28:15,904 | 00:28:17,656 | you know, Republican, conservative. | you know, Republican, conservative. |
534 | 00:28:17,656 | 00:28:19,617 | So he's like, "You can get a job, | So he's like, "You can get a job, |
535 | 00:28:19,617 | 00:28:22,160 | you're retarded!" You know. | you're retarded!" You know. |
536 | 00:28:25,748 | 00:28:28,125 | But -- but then there's a liberal lady who works there | But -- but then there's a liberal lady who works there |
537 | 00:28:28,125 | 00:28:31,879 | and she says, "Of course he can get a job. | and she says, "Of course he can get a job. |
538 | 00:28:31,879 | 00:28:34,632 | He's as good as anyone!" | He's as good as anyone!" |
539 | 00:28:36,717 | 00:28:38,468 | So they let him get a job | So they let him get a job |
540 | 00:28:38,468 | 00:28:39,970 | as an air traffic controller | as an air traffic controller |
541 | 00:28:39,970 | 00:28:41,597 | or whatever was available. | or whatever was available. |
542 | 00:28:41,597 | 00:28:43,849 | And then... | And then... |
543 | 00:28:46,769 | 00:28:48,311 | He meets a woman who's also retarded, | He meets a woman who's also retarded, |
544 | 00:28:48,311 | 00:28:50,022 | who lives at the group home. | who lives at the group home. |
545 | 00:28:50,022 | 00:28:51,982 | He falls in love with her. It's a very nice love story. | He falls in love with her. It's a very nice love story. |
546 | 00:28:51,982 | 00:28:54,401 | And he says, "We want to get married." | And he says, "We want to get married." |
547 | 00:28:54,401 | 00:28:57,154 | And the guy says, "Brr!" | And the guy says, "Brr!" |
548 | 00:28:57,154 | 00:28:59,573 | She says, "But they're in love!" | She says, "But they're in love!" |
549 | 00:28:59,573 | 00:29:01,199 | So they get married. | So they get married. |
550 | 00:29:01,199 | 00:29:04,452 | And then one day he says, "We want to have a baby." | And then one day he says, "We want to have a baby." |
551 | 00:29:04,452 | 00:29:05,538 | And the liberal lady says, | And the liberal lady says, |
552 | 00:29:05,538 | 00:29:07,540 | "No fucking way." | "No fucking way." |
553 | 00:29:09,833 | 00:29:12,878 | And they just shut them down right there. | And they just shut them down right there. |
554 | 00:29:12,878 | 00:29:14,797 | And that's the end of the movie. | And that's the end of the movie. |
555 | 00:29:14,797 | 00:29:18,634 | I swear to God, that's just how it ends. | I swear to God, that's just how it ends. |
556 | 00:29:18,634 | 00:29:20,719 | And the point of the movie is just, you know, | And the point of the movie is just, you know, |
557 | 00:29:20,719 | 00:29:22,555 | hey, there's a limit -- like, that's, I guess, | hey, there's a limit -- like, that's, I guess, |
558 | 00:29:22,555 | 00:29:25,849 | what the point of it was. | what the point of it was. |
559 | 00:29:25,849 | 00:29:28,351 | And that's pretty intense. | And that's pretty intense. |
560 | 00:29:28,351 | 00:29:30,604 | But, hey, retarded people were on television, | But, hey, retarded people were on television, |
561 | 00:29:30,604 | 00:29:32,815 | we were talking about it, we were dealing with it -- | we were talking about it, we were dealing with it -- |
562 | 00:29:32,815 | 00:29:36,359 | and they said the word retarded about 50,000 times in the movie. | and they said the word retarded about 50,000 times in the movie. |
563 | 00:29:36,359 | 00:29:38,571 | Now, we don't say the word and I don't see 'em anywhere. | Now, we don't say the word and I don't see 'em anywhere. |
564 | 00:29:38,571 | 00:29:40,072 | I guess that's my problem with it. | I guess that's my problem with it. |
565 | 00:29:40,072 | 00:29:43,366 | And also, the word is not basically a bad word. | And also, the word is not basically a bad word. |
566 | 00:29:43,366 | 00:29:47,287 | It's a medical term, but it became a bad word | It's a medical term, but it became a bad word |
567 | 00:29:47,287 | 00:29:49,790 | because it's used as an insult, really -- | because it's used as an insult, really -- |
568 | 00:29:49,790 | 00:29:51,584 | not towards retarded people. | not towards retarded people. |
569 | 00:29:51,584 | 00:29:53,711 | Nobody does that. | Nobody does that. |
570 | 00:29:53,711 | 00:29:56,839 | Nobody calls retarded people retarded to insult them. | Nobody calls retarded people retarded to insult them. |
571 | 00:29:56,839 | 00:29:59,550 | What would be the point of that? | What would be the point of that? |
572 | 00:29:59,550 | 00:30:01,009 | That would be like going up to a chair | That would be like going up to a chair |
573 | 00:30:01,009 | 00:30:02,761 | and saying, "You're fuckin chair!" | and saying, "You're fuckin chair!" |
574 | 00:30:02,761 | 00:30:06,348 | Like, what are you doing? | Like, what are you doing? |
575 | 00:30:06,348 | 00:30:07,850 | No. | No. |
576 | 00:30:07,850 | 00:30:09,309 | People use it on their friends, | People use it on their friends, |
577 | 00:30:09,309 | 00:30:10,686 | like, you're at a bar, your friend's like, | like, you're at a bar, your friend's like, |
578 | 00:30:10,686 | 00:30:13,063 | "I don't have any more money for beer," | "I don't have any more money for beer," |
579 | 00:30:13,063 | 00:30:17,651 | and you're like, "You're fucking retarded, you know that?" | and you're like, "You're fucking retarded, you know that?" |
580 | 00:30:17,651 | 00:30:20,613 | And in that moment, no one retarded is insulted. | And in that moment, no one retarded is insulted. |
581 | 00:30:20,613 | 00:30:24,282 | They're not. Do you know why? Because they're not there! | They're not. Do you know why? Because they're not there! |
582 | 00:30:24,282 | 00:30:26,910 | 'Cause we don't include them in our lives. | 'Cause we don't include them in our lives. |
583 | 00:30:26,910 | 00:30:28,704 | They're not at the bar -- | They're not at the bar -- |
584 | 00:30:28,704 | 00:30:30,873 | How many of you have a retarded drinking buddy | How many of you have a retarded drinking buddy |
585 | 00:30:30,873 | 00:30:32,499 | that you hang out with? | that you hang out with? |
586 | 00:30:34,835 | 00:30:37,087 | No, you take 'em to the zoo when they're little him | No, you take 'em to the zoo when they're little him |
587 | 00:30:37,087 | 00:30:38,672 | and then fuck 'em. | and then fuck 'em. |
588 | 00:30:42,843 | 00:30:45,303 | This is what I find confusing about this thing, | This is what I find confusing about this thing, |
589 | 00:30:45,303 | 00:30:47,890 | is that we told many generations of people | is that we told many generations of people |
590 | 00:30:47,890 | 00:30:49,683 | that they are retarded. | that they are retarded. |
591 | 00:30:49,683 | 00:30:51,434 | We told them that that's what they are and they lived with it, | We told them that that's what they are and they lived with it, |
592 | 00:30:51,434 | 00:30:53,979 | and they dealt with it, and then we just decided it's a bad word. | and they dealt with it, and then we just decided it's a bad word. |
593 | 00:30:53,979 | 00:30:56,732 | So did we tell them this? | So did we tell them this? |
594 | 00:30:56,732 | 00:30:59,735 | Did we go back to them and explain this to them? | Did we go back to them and explain this to them? |
595 | 00:30:59,735 | 00:31:02,070 | "Listen, Nelson, I have somethin' to tell you, | "Listen, Nelson, I have somethin' to tell you, |
596 | 00:31:02,070 | 00:31:05,616 | you're not retarded anymore." | you're not retarded anymore." |
597 | 00:31:05,616 | 00:31:07,284 | "You mean I'm cured?" | "You mean I'm cured?" |
598 | 00:31:07,284 | 00:31:11,496 | "No! No, no. | "No! No, no. |
599 | 00:31:11,496 | 00:31:14,291 | Nah, we're not even working on it." | Nah, we're not even working on it." |
600 | 00:31:30,933 | 00:31:32,768 | Anyway, I've been traveling. | Anyway, I've been traveling. |
601 | 00:31:37,480 | 00:31:39,066 | I went to France last year | I went to France last year |
602 | 00:31:39,066 | 00:31:40,734 | because I thought I should leave the nation -- | because I thought I should leave the nation -- |
603 | 00:31:40,734 | 00:31:43,195 | felt like a good idea. | felt like a good idea. |
604 | 00:31:43,195 | 00:31:45,197 | Would have left the planet if they had another one of those. | Would have left the planet if they had another one of those. |
605 | 00:31:45,197 | 00:31:46,740 | But... | But... |
606 | 00:31:46,740 | 00:31:48,408 | When I went to France, I had a great time. | When I went to France, I had a great time. |
607 | 00:31:48,408 | 00:31:50,410 | I fell in love. I met a woman. I fell in love in France. | I fell in love. I met a woman. I fell in love in France. |
608 | 00:31:50,410 | 00:31:51,787 | And we've been together since then. | And we've been together since then. |
609 | 00:31:51,787 | 00:31:54,247 | It's been nice. | It's been nice. |
610 | 00:31:54,247 | 00:31:56,083 | Yeah, okay, it's nice having a girlfriend | Yeah, okay, it's nice having a girlfriend |
611 | 00:31:56,083 | 00:31:58,251 | from another country because you learn a lot about that country. | from another country because you learn a lot about that country. |
612 | 00:31:58,251 | 00:31:59,795 | I learn a lot about France from being with her. | I learn a lot about France from being with her. |
613 | 00:31:59,795 | 00:32:01,630 | I never knew these things about -- like, one time | I never knew these things about -- like, one time |
614 | 00:32:01,630 | 00:32:03,757 | she was sick, and I was taking care of her, | she was sick, and I was taking care of her, |
615 | 00:32:03,757 | 00:32:05,133 | so I gave her -- she had a fever. | so I gave her -- she had a fever. |
616 | 00:32:05,133 | 00:32:06,552 | I gave her a thermometer | I gave her a thermometer |
617 | 00:32:06,552 | 00:32:08,428 | and she put it in her asshole. | and she put it in her asshole. |
618 | 00:32:13,559 | 00:32:16,604 | Never seen that before; turns out the whole country, | Never seen that before; turns out the whole country, |
619 | 00:32:16,604 | 00:32:22,317 | all of France, puts thermometers in their assholes. | all of France, puts thermometers in their assholes. |
620 | 00:32:22,317 | 00:32:25,320 | And they don't put their eggs in the fridge. | And they don't put their eggs in the fridge. |
621 | 00:32:25,320 | 00:32:28,323 | They have no respect for temperature in either direction. | They have no respect for temperature in either direction. |
622 | 00:32:31,994 | 00:32:33,370 | I'd never -- I was like, | I'd never -- I was like, |
623 | 00:32:33,370 | 00:32:35,623 | why are you putting it in your asshole? | why are you putting it in your asshole? |
624 | 00:32:35,623 | 00:32:37,165 | She said, "You don't do this? | She said, "You don't do this? |
625 | 00:32:37,165 | 00:32:42,755 | You don't put here in America?" | You don't put here in America?" |
626 | 00:32:42,755 | 00:32:46,049 | I said, "No, we don't put a glass thermometer | I said, "No, we don't put a glass thermometer |
627 | 00:32:46,049 | 00:32:49,386 | filled with mercury in our anuses... | filled with mercury in our anuses... |
628 | 00:32:49,386 | 00:32:51,179 | You fucking savage." | You fucking savage." |
629 | 00:32:55,017 | 00:32:58,521 | Well, we do it to babies and dogs | Well, we do it to babies and dogs |
630 | 00:32:58,521 | 00:33:02,024 | 'cause they can't talk. | 'cause they can't talk. |
631 | 00:33:02,024 | 00:33:03,734 | Every American baby's first words is, | Every American baby's first words is, |
632 | 00:33:03,734 | 00:33:05,903 | "Get that fucking thing out of my asshole." | "Get that fucking thing out of my asshole." |
633 | 00:33:09,281 | 00:33:11,992 | You ever take your dog's temperature? | You ever take your dog's temperature? |
634 | 00:33:11,992 | 00:33:14,327 | You have to hold your dog's ass still, | You have to hold your dog's ass still, |
635 | 00:33:14,327 | 00:33:16,830 | and then you slip it in there | and then you slip it in there |
636 | 00:33:16,830 | 00:33:20,375 | and your dog looks to you like, "Why would you do that?! | and your dog looks to you like, "Why would you do that?! |
637 | 00:33:20,375 | 00:33:22,377 | Why would you do that to me?!" | Why would you do that to me?!" |
638 | 00:33:25,756 | 00:33:29,635 | And you're like, "I could never explain it to you, | And you're like, "I could never explain it to you, |
639 | 00:33:29,635 | 00:33:31,845 | but I need to hold it here for 60 seconds." | but I need to hold it here for 60 seconds." |
640 | 00:33:37,142 | 00:33:38,351 | Dogs are so dumb, | Dogs are so dumb, |
641 | 00:33:38,351 | 00:33:40,813 | it's fucking tragic. | it's fucking tragic. |
642 | 00:33:40,813 | 00:33:43,190 | It's sad how dumb they are. | It's sad how dumb they are. |
643 | 00:33:43,190 | 00:33:46,068 | They're in our lives and they know nothing | They're in our lives and they know nothing |
644 | 00:33:46,068 | 00:33:48,654 | about what's happening. | about what's happening. |
645 | 00:33:48,654 | 00:33:49,905 | You ever been having, like, | You ever been having, like, |
646 | 00:33:49,905 | 00:33:51,406 | a dramatic moment in your family, | a dramatic moment in your family, |
647 | 00:33:51,406 | 00:33:53,325 | like, you're in the living room telling the kids | like, you're in the living room telling the kids |
648 | 00:33:53,325 | 00:33:56,078 | that grandma died, and everybody's crying, | that grandma died, and everybody's crying, |
649 | 00:33:56,078 | 00:33:57,495 | and the dog's sitting there like... | and the dog's sitting there like... |
650 | 00:34:04,086 | 00:34:08,131 | "I know you! Ha!" | "I know you! Ha!" |
651 | 00:34:08,131 | 00:34:10,008 | They're so stupid! | They're so stupid! |
652 | 00:34:10,008 | 00:34:12,803 | Incredibly stupid animals. | Incredibly stupid animals. |
653 | 00:34:12,803 | 00:34:14,304 | They don't even know their own lives, they don't even -- | They don't even know their own lives, they don't even -- |
654 | 00:34:14,304 | 00:34:17,099 | they can't even handle their own lives mentally. | they can't even handle their own lives mentally. |
655 | 00:34:17,099 | 00:34:19,267 | You ever throw a ball for your dog | You ever throw a ball for your dog |
656 | 00:34:19,267 | 00:34:21,019 | and your dog gets the ball and brings it, | and your dog gets the ball and brings it, |
657 | 00:34:21,019 | 00:34:22,062 | and then you throw the ball again, | and then you throw the ball again, |
658 | 00:34:22,062 | 00:34:23,522 | and the dog brings it. | and the dog brings it. |
659 | 00:34:23,522 | 00:34:24,732 | And then one of the times you throw the ball, | And then one of the times you throw the ball, |
660 | 00:34:24,732 | 00:34:26,567 | the dog looks at you like, | the dog looks at you like, |
661 | 00:34:26,567 | 00:34:28,569 | "I didn't see what happened. | "I didn't see what happened. |
662 | 00:34:28,569 | 00:34:31,530 | I'm sorry, I... | I'm sorry, I... |
663 | 00:34:31,530 | 00:34:35,158 | I don't know anything now. Please help." | I don't know anything now. Please help." |
664 | 00:34:35,158 | 00:34:37,410 | So you point at the ball, "There it is, right there. | So you point at the ball, "There it is, right there. |
665 | 00:34:37,410 | 00:34:38,746 | It's right there." | It's right there." |
666 | 00:34:38,746 | 00:34:41,289 | And the dog just looks at your finger | And the dog just looks at your finger |
667 | 00:34:41,289 | 00:34:45,252 | 'cause there's just no way he's gonna get this concept | 'cause there's just no way he's gonna get this concept |
668 | 00:34:45,252 | 00:34:47,546 | that there's an invisible line... | that there's an invisible line... |
669 | 00:34:50,007 | 00:34:52,968 | ...that he can follow with his imagination. | ...that he can follow with his imagination. |
670 | 00:34:56,889 | 00:34:58,306 | I have a great dog. | I have a great dog. |
671 | 00:34:58,306 | 00:34:59,725 | I've got a dog last year. She's a great dog. | I've got a dog last year. She's a great dog. |
672 | 00:34:59,725 | 00:35:01,560 | I did not adopt her, I'll be honest with you. | I did not adopt her, I'll be honest with you. |
673 | 00:35:01,560 | 00:35:03,270 | I bought her with money. | I bought her with money. |
674 | 00:35:03,270 | 00:35:05,564 | That's the truth. | That's the truth. |
675 | 00:35:05,564 | 00:35:07,525 | People always ask me when I walk my dog in New York, | People always ask me when I walk my dog in New York, |
676 | 00:35:07,525 | 00:35:09,234 | "That's a beautiful dog. Is she a rescue?" | "That's a beautiful dog. Is she a rescue?" |
677 | 00:35:09,234 | 00:35:10,485 | I'm like, "No, she's very expensive. | I'm like, "No, she's very expensive. |
678 | 00:35:10,485 | 00:35:12,070 | Please don't touch her." | Please don't touch her." |
679 | 00:35:15,240 | 00:35:17,535 | I did rescue a dog last year, | I did rescue a dog last year, |
680 | 00:35:17,535 | 00:35:20,913 | and it bit everyone in my life, | and it bit everyone in my life, |
681 | 00:35:20,913 | 00:35:23,456 | so I un-rescued it, | so I un-rescued it, |
682 | 00:35:23,456 | 00:35:25,501 | and I bought a dog that works. | and I bought a dog that works. |
683 | 00:35:29,713 | 00:35:31,674 | In New York, everybody rescues their dogs, | In New York, everybody rescues their dogs, |
684 | 00:35:31,674 | 00:35:36,011 | like, "I rescued this dog. I rescued her. | like, "I rescued this dog. I rescued her. |
685 | 00:35:36,011 | 00:35:39,056 | She has no eyes | She has no eyes |
686 | 00:35:39,056 | 00:35:42,225 | and she's dead. | and she's dead. |
687 | 00:35:44,352 | 00:35:46,354 | I hate New York, I really do -- I used to love New York, | I hate New York, I really do -- I used to love New York, |
688 | 00:35:46,354 | 00:35:47,898 | but I hate it now, I really -- | but I hate it now, I really -- |
689 | 00:35:47,898 | 00:35:49,441 | I'd rather be in Auschwitz than in New York City. | I'd rather be in Auschwitz than in New York City. |
690 | 00:35:49,441 | 00:35:51,151 | Honestly, I would. | Honestly, I would. |
691 | 00:35:51,151 | 00:35:53,696 | I mean -- I mean Auschwitz now. | I mean -- I mean Auschwitz now. |
692 | 00:35:53,696 | 00:35:55,948 | I mean, today Auschwitz. | I mean, today Auschwitz. |
693 | 00:35:55,948 | 00:35:58,366 | Not back when it was open. | Not back when it was open. |
694 | 00:35:58,366 | 00:36:01,078 | I mean, now -- it's nice now. | I mean, now -- it's nice now. |
695 | 00:36:01,078 | 00:36:03,288 | There's a gift shop. | There's a gift shop. |
696 | 00:36:03,288 | 00:36:04,957 | People go there on purpose. | People go there on purpose. |
697 | 00:36:04,957 | 00:36:06,709 | They buy tickets. | They buy tickets. |
698 | 00:36:06,709 | 00:36:08,376 | I think that's weird... | I think that's weird... |
699 | 00:36:08,376 | 00:36:10,921 | That people buy tickets to Auschwitz. | That people buy tickets to Auschwitz. |
700 | 00:36:10,921 | 00:36:12,380 | That's weird. | That's weird. |
701 | 00:36:12,380 | 00:36:14,382 | If you could have told those people back then, | If you could have told those people back then, |
702 | 00:36:14,382 | 00:36:16,635 | "People are going to buy tickets to come here. | "People are going to buy tickets to come here. |
703 | 00:36:22,182 | 00:36:25,603 | Wrap your head around that. | Wrap your head around that. |
704 | 00:36:25,603 | 00:36:27,938 | Jew." | Jew." |
705 | 00:36:27,938 | 00:36:29,732 | That's -- All right. I'm sorry. | That's -- All right. I'm sorry. |
706 | 00:36:29,732 | 00:36:32,568 | I'm sorry, never again, I promise. | I'm sorry, never again, I promise. |
707 | 00:36:35,320 | 00:36:37,405 | That's what we say about the Holocaust: Never again, | That's what we say about the Holocaust: Never again, |
708 | 00:36:37,405 | 00:36:39,199 | 'cause they killed six million Jews. | 'cause they killed six million Jews. |
709 | 00:36:39,199 | 00:36:40,784 | If they only killed, like, 10,000, | If they only killed, like, 10,000, |
710 | 00:36:40,784 | 00:36:43,996 | would it be like, "Okay, two more times, | would it be like, "Okay, two more times, |
711 | 00:36:43,996 | 00:36:49,251 | and then taper off because it's a little much." | and then taper off because it's a little much." |
712 | 00:36:49,251 | 00:36:50,836 | I'll tell you, I went to Auschwitz -- | I'll tell you, I went to Auschwitz -- |
713 | 00:36:50,836 | 00:36:52,420 | this is a true story, I actually did go to Auschwitz | this is a true story, I actually did go to Auschwitz |
714 | 00:36:52,420 | 00:36:55,633 | because I was doing shows in Poland | because I was doing shows in Poland |
715 | 00:36:55,633 | 00:36:58,844 | because I had to go to Poland to do shows. | because I had to go to Poland to do shows. |
716 | 00:36:58,844 | 00:37:00,053 | So... | So... |
717 | 00:37:00,053 | 00:37:04,767 | So... | So... |
718 | 00:37:04,767 | 00:37:06,894 | I was in Krakow. | I was in Krakow. |
719 | 00:37:06,894 | 00:37:08,521 | I was in Krakow, so I went to the camp, | I was in Krakow, so I went to the camp, |
720 | 00:37:08,521 | 00:37:10,272 | and I went there because of a very personal reason -- | and I went there because of a very personal reason -- |
721 | 00:37:10,272 | 00:37:12,941 | because I had family there, I had a lot of family there. | because I had family there, I had a lot of family there. |
722 | 00:37:12,941 | 00:37:14,735 | Forty-four members of my family were in Auschwitz | Forty-four members of my family were in Auschwitz |
723 | 00:37:14,735 | 00:37:16,361 | during World War II. | during World War II. |
724 | 00:37:16,361 | 00:37:19,114 | I mean, they were guards, they worked there. | I mean, they were guards, they worked there. |
725 | 00:37:19,114 | 00:37:20,908 | No, no, no, no. They were Jews and they died. | No, no, no, no. They were Jews and they died. |
726 | 00:37:20,908 | 00:37:22,826 | It's okay. Don't be offended. | It's okay. Don't be offended. |
727 | 00:37:22,826 | 00:37:25,328 | It's true. | It's true. |
728 | 00:37:25,328 | 00:37:27,330 | We lost the whole family there, everybody -- | We lost the whole family there, everybody -- |
729 | 00:37:27,330 | 00:37:29,082 | the whole -- because we were Hungarian Jews. | the whole -- because we were Hungarian Jews. |
730 | 00:37:29,082 | 00:37:31,960 | My grandfather on my father's side, | My grandfather on my father's side, |
731 | 00:37:31,960 | 00:37:34,630 | he's the only one who made it; the rest them, all 44 of them, | he's the only one who made it; the rest them, all 44 of them, |
732 | 00:37:34,630 | 00:37:38,466 | went to Auschwitz, which I think they really regretted. | went to Auschwitz, which I think they really regretted. |
733 | 00:37:38,466 | 00:37:40,135 | But that's -- that's what happened, | But that's -- that's what happened, |
734 | 00:37:40,135 | 00:37:42,470 | because the Hungarians sent all their Jews to -- | because the Hungarians sent all their Jews to -- |
735 | 00:37:42,470 | 00:37:44,097 | They didn't -- they weren't even occupied, Hungary, | They didn't -- they weren't even occupied, Hungary, |
736 | 00:37:44,097 | 00:37:46,934 | they're just like, "Yeah, take -- take our Jews." | they're just like, "Yeah, take -- take our Jews." |
737 | 00:37:46,934 | 00:37:48,310 | And they sent my whole family there. | And they sent my whole family there. |
738 | 00:37:48,310 | 00:37:49,645 | And they were all -- died in Auschwitz, | And they were all -- died in Auschwitz, |
739 | 00:37:49,645 | 00:37:51,104 | all except for him. | all except for him. |
740 | 00:37:51,104 | 00:37:52,815 | My grandfather's the only one who made it. | My grandfather's the only one who made it. |
741 | 00:37:52,815 | 00:37:54,983 | Because he got the fuck out of there | Because he got the fuck out of there |
742 | 00:37:54,983 | 00:37:57,360 | before it started -- in the late '20s, | before it started -- in the late '20s, |
743 | 00:37:57,360 | 00:38:00,906 | he fucking smelled that shit and he got the fuck out. | he fucking smelled that shit and he got the fuck out. |
744 | 00:38:00,906 | 00:38:03,366 | And he went to Mexico. He migrated to Mexico. | And he went to Mexico. He migrated to Mexico. |
745 | 00:38:03,366 | 00:38:05,035 | And we found his immigration card. | And we found his immigration card. |
746 | 00:38:05,035 | 00:38:07,370 | My uncle and I did the family history and we found it. | My uncle and I did the family history and we found it. |
747 | 00:38:07,370 | 00:38:09,081 | It says, "Nationality: Hungarian," | It says, "Nationality: Hungarian," |
748 | 00:38:09,081 | 00:38:12,585 | and it says, "Religion: Catholic." | and it says, "Religion: Catholic." |
749 | 00:38:12,585 | 00:38:14,336 | And there's a picture of him like. | And there's a picture of him like. |
750 | 00:38:17,756 | 00:38:19,883 | He's like, "Fuck it, they don't know what a Jew looks like | He's like, "Fuck it, they don't know what a Jew looks like |
751 | 00:38:19,883 | 00:38:23,929 | in Mexico -- that's where I'm going!" | in Mexico -- that's where I'm going!" |
752 | 00:38:23,929 | 00:38:25,681 | And that's why I'm alive, because he made that choice. | And that's why I'm alive, because he made that choice. |
753 | 00:38:25,681 | 00:38:27,850 | It's also why I'm not Jewish, | It's also why I'm not Jewish, |
754 | 00:38:27,850 | 00:38:31,144 | 'cause he was like, "Jew-schmoo, we're not fucking Jewish. | 'cause he was like, "Jew-schmoo, we're not fucking Jewish. |
755 | 00:38:31,144 | 00:38:34,272 | Somos catolicas." | Somos catolicas." |
756 | 00:38:34,272 | 00:38:38,193 | That was my abuelito. | That was my abuelito. |
757 | 00:38:38,193 | 00:38:39,945 | Became a fuckin' Mexican fast. | Became a fuckin' Mexican fast. |
758 | 00:38:39,945 | 00:38:42,615 | That's what happened, that's how he made it. | That's what happened, that's how he made it. |
759 | 00:38:42,615 | 00:38:44,617 | Was a fascinating guy, my grandfather. | Was a fascinating guy, my grandfather. |
760 | 00:38:44,617 | 00:38:47,119 | His name was Geza. That was his name. | His name was Geza. That was his name. |
761 | 00:38:47,119 | 00:38:52,165 | And he had a brother named Geza. | And he had a brother named Geza. |
762 | 00:38:52,165 | 00:38:54,960 | It's weird, but I looked it up, and here's what happened: | It's weird, but I looked it up, and here's what happened: |
763 | 00:38:54,960 | 00:38:57,963 | His parents had a baby and they named it Geza, | His parents had a baby and they named it Geza, |
764 | 00:38:57,963 | 00:38:59,590 | and it died -- the baby died. | and it died -- the baby died. |
765 | 00:38:59,590 | 00:39:02,050 | So they had another one and they just said, | So they had another one and they just said, |
766 | 00:39:02,050 | 00:39:03,594 | "Fuck it, Geza, just do it again," | "Fuck it, Geza, just do it again," |
767 | 00:39:03,594 | 00:39:05,220 | because that's what it was like. | because that's what it was like. |
768 | 00:39:05,220 | 00:39:07,556 | Babies died, it was no big deal back then. | Babies died, it was no big deal back then. |
769 | 00:39:07,556 | 00:39:09,099 | It was just like, "Yeah, that was a shitty baby. | It was just like, "Yeah, that was a shitty baby. |
770 | 00:39:09,099 | 00:39:12,019 | Let's do another one." | Let's do another one." |
771 | 00:39:12,019 | 00:39:14,396 | "Why'd your baby die?" "Because it sucked -- | "Why'd your baby die?" "Because it sucked -- |
772 | 00:39:14,396 | 00:39:16,481 | Why does any baby die? At least we found out quick. | Why does any baby die? At least we found out quick. |
773 | 00:39:16,481 | 00:39:19,652 | Fuck it. This one's good." | Fuck it. This one's good." |
774 | 00:39:19,652 | 00:39:22,112 | That's what it was like forever until recently. | That's what it was like forever until recently. |
775 | 00:39:22,112 | 00:39:24,573 | The human race was all the good babies | The human race was all the good babies |
776 | 00:39:24,573 | 00:39:27,785 | and the shitty ones, pbbt! That's just the way it worked. | and the shitty ones, pbbt! That's just the way it worked. |
777 | 00:39:27,785 | 00:39:29,202 | It's not like that now. | It's not like that now. |
778 | 00:39:29,202 | 00:39:31,955 | Now we save every baby. | Now we save every baby. |
779 | 00:39:31,955 | 00:39:34,917 | The shittier the baby, the bigger the effort. | The shittier the baby, the bigger the effort. |
780 | 00:39:34,917 | 00:39:38,378 | Because we love it, we love saving the shitty babies. | Because we love it, we love saving the shitty babies. |
781 | 00:39:38,378 | 00:39:40,422 | There's always a documentary, "Look at this baby. | There's always a documentary, "Look at this baby. |
782 | 00:39:40,422 | 00:39:43,258 | He's a fucking mess. Do you see that shit? | He's a fucking mess. Do you see that shit? |
783 | 00:39:43,258 | 00:39:47,429 | We're gonna save it, make it live." | We're gonna save it, make it live." |
784 | 00:39:47,429 | 00:39:49,848 | And the baby's like, "Please don't!" | And the baby's like, "Please don't!" |
785 | 00:39:54,436 | 00:39:56,271 | But we'd rather -- we don't like when babies die, | But we'd rather -- we don't like when babies die, |
786 | 00:39:56,271 | 00:39:57,856 | we get more upset when a baby dies. | we get more upset when a baby dies. |
787 | 00:39:57,856 | 00:40:00,317 | Who knows this baby? | Who knows this baby? |
788 | 00:40:00,317 | 00:40:02,277 | "Did you hear about Jeff?" | "Did you hear about Jeff?" |
789 | 00:40:02,277 | 00:40:04,655 | No, he was here for one day. Nobody met him. | No, he was here for one day. Nobody met him. |
790 | 00:40:08,241 | 00:40:10,202 | And then if you die when you're old, nobody gives a shit. | And then if you die when you're old, nobody gives a shit. |
791 | 00:40:10,202 | 00:40:13,956 | They're lie, "Eh, he was here long enough, fuck 'em." | They're lie, "Eh, he was here long enough, fuck 'em." |
792 | 00:40:13,956 | 00:40:15,541 | You ever tell somebody, like, your grandmother di-- | You ever tell somebody, like, your grandmother di-- |
793 | 00:40:15,541 | 00:40:17,167 | "My grandmother died." | "My grandmother died." |
794 | 00:40:17,167 | 00:40:18,502 | They're like, "I'm so sorry. How old was she?" | They're like, "I'm so sorry. How old was she?" |
795 | 00:40:18,502 | 00:40:21,463 | "She was 98." "Oh. | "She was 98." "Oh. |
796 | 00:40:23,048 | 00:40:25,467 | So why'd you even tell me?" | So why'd you even tell me?" |
797 | 00:40:29,262 | 00:40:33,100 | I'm 52 and I like my 50s, I like this part of my life. | I'm 52 and I like my 50s, I like this part of my life. |
798 | 00:40:33,100 | 00:40:35,102 | It's my favorite so far. I'll tell you why. | It's my favorite so far. I'll tell you why. |
799 | 00:40:35,102 | 00:40:37,771 | Because I can still move around pretty good. | Because I can still move around pretty good. |
800 | 00:40:37,771 | 00:40:39,523 | And I don't have long to live. | And I don't have long to live. |
801 | 00:40:41,900 | 00:40:43,986 | I view that as a positive. | I view that as a positive. |
802 | 00:40:43,986 | 00:40:45,738 | Because life is a lot of pressure. | Because life is a lot of pressure. |
803 | 00:40:45,738 | 00:40:47,155 | The more life you have ahead of you, | The more life you have ahead of you, |
804 | 00:40:47,155 | 00:40:48,490 | the more problems you have. | the more problems you have. |
805 | 00:40:48,490 | 00:40:49,533 | Like, if you're 20, | Like, if you're 20, |
806 | 00:40:49,533 | 00:40:51,785 | you might have 70 years | you might have 70 years |
807 | 00:40:51,785 | 00:40:55,581 | to try not to be homeless or alone during. | to try not to be homeless or alone during. |
808 | 00:40:55,581 | 00:40:57,415 | But I can -- I got maybe 24 years left. | But I can -- I got maybe 24 years left. |
809 | 00:40:57,415 | 00:40:59,502 | I can handle that, like, that's an amount of time, | I can handle that, like, that's an amount of time, |
810 | 00:40:59,502 | 00:41:00,919 | like, "Oh, yeah, I can fucking do that. | like, "Oh, yeah, I can fucking do that. |
811 | 00:41:00,919 | 00:41:02,505 | I can cover 24 years." | I can cover 24 years." |
812 | 00:41:02,505 | 00:41:06,008 | And it gets easier every year less that I have. | And it gets easier every year less that I have. |
813 | 00:41:06,008 | 00:41:07,718 | Like, I bought a winter coat the other day | Like, I bought a winter coat the other day |
814 | 00:41:07,718 | 00:41:09,177 | I was like, "This is my last coat. | I was like, "This is my last coat. |
815 | 00:41:09,177 | 00:41:11,639 | I don't need a bunch of these. | I don't need a bunch of these. |
816 | 00:41:11,639 | 00:41:13,140 | Gets easier. | Gets easier. |
817 | 00:41:16,393 | 00:41:18,020 | I used to -- I used to think I have to -- | I used to -- I used to think I have to -- |
818 | 00:41:18,020 | 00:41:20,397 | I need to find a woman who will be with me forever. | I need to find a woman who will be with me forever. |
819 | 00:41:20,397 | 00:41:23,316 | I need string of girlfriends at this point. | I need string of girlfriends at this point. |
820 | 00:41:23,316 | 00:41:24,693 | Just a few more girl-- | Just a few more girl-- |
821 | 00:41:24,693 | 00:41:26,987 | I need three women in their 40s | I need three women in their 40s |
822 | 00:41:26,987 | 00:41:29,615 | to get me through my 50s, | to get me through my 50s, |
823 | 00:41:29,615 | 00:41:33,536 | and two in their 50s to get me through my 60s. | and two in their 50s to get me through my 60s. |
824 | 00:41:33,536 | 00:41:35,453 | And then when I'm 75, | And then when I'm 75, |
825 | 00:41:35,453 | 00:41:37,247 | 21 years old. | 21 years old. |
826 | 00:41:37,247 | 00:41:39,082 | That's when I'm doing that. | That's when I'm doing that. |
827 | 00:41:39,082 | 00:41:42,586 | Twenty one, she gets the rest of my money. | Twenty one, she gets the rest of my money. |
828 | 00:41:42,586 | 00:41:45,130 | Just blow me to my grave and keep the change. | Just blow me to my grave and keep the change. |
829 | 00:41:49,009 | 00:41:51,762 | That's the offer on the table | That's the offer on the table |
830 | 00:41:51,762 | 00:41:54,347 | for anybody who's 21 when I'm 75. | for anybody who's 21 when I'm 75. |
831 | 00:41:54,347 | 00:41:56,934 | She hasn't been born yet, but we'll see with the... | She hasn't been born yet, but we'll see with the... |
832 | 00:41:56,934 | 00:41:59,186 | we'll see what the new crop brings. | we'll see what the new crop brings. |
833 | 00:42:04,066 | 00:42:06,860 | My French girlfriend, she's 42, which is perfect. | My French girlfriend, she's 42, which is perfect. |
834 | 00:42:06,860 | 00:42:09,237 | She's pornographically hot, | She's pornographically hot, |
835 | 00:42:09,237 | 00:42:12,700 | but she's willing to fuck this mess. | but she's willing to fuck this mess. |
836 | 00:42:12,700 | 00:42:14,743 | Because you -- really you have to be over 40 | Because you -- really you have to be over 40 |
837 | 00:42:14,743 | 00:42:17,370 | to have the compassion | to have the compassion |
838 | 00:42:17,370 | 00:42:19,623 | and the sense of humor | and the sense of humor |
839 | 00:42:19,623 | 00:42:22,417 | to fuck around... | to fuck around... |
840 | 00:42:22,417 | 00:42:24,127 | She likes to be on top, which I think is, | She likes to be on top, which I think is, |
841 | 00:42:24,127 | 00:42:25,963 | that's 'cause that's the best that I ever look | that's 'cause that's the best that I ever look |
842 | 00:42:25,963 | 00:42:28,674 | is laying on my back | is laying on my back |
843 | 00:42:28,674 | 00:42:31,885 | because you just -- all the skin lays where it belongs. | because you just -- all the skin lays where it belongs. |
844 | 00:42:31,885 | 00:42:34,513 | Like it just drapes nicely. | Like it just drapes nicely. |
845 | 00:42:34,513 | 00:42:38,559 | I like about 49 and a half when I'm on my back. | I like about 49 and a half when I'm on my back. |
846 | 00:42:38,559 | 00:42:41,562 | And if I get on top of her, I just -- it comes off. | And if I get on top of her, I just -- it comes off. |
847 | 00:42:41,562 | 00:42:44,648 | It comes away from the bone like barbecued pork. | It comes away from the bone like barbecued pork. |
848 | 00:42:47,025 | 00:42:50,070 | And this shit, when you hang this, | And this shit, when you hang this, |
849 | 00:42:50,070 | 00:42:52,823 | it's all red and bumpy. It's like the roof of a cave. | it's all red and bumpy. It's like the roof of a cave. |
850 | 00:42:52,823 | 00:42:55,283 | It's a nightmare. | It's a nightmare. |
851 | 00:42:55,283 | 00:42:57,828 | And my tits are like flappy triangles | And my tits are like flappy triangles |
852 | 00:42:57,828 | 00:43:00,539 | with red tips. | with red tips. |
853 | 00:43:00,539 | 00:43:03,250 | They look like candy corn that somebody stepped on. | They look like candy corn that somebody stepped on. |
854 | 00:43:13,426 | 00:43:15,387 | But it's nice, uh... | But it's nice, uh... |
855 | 00:43:15,387 | 00:43:17,472 | nice having a girlfriend, it's better than being married | nice having a girlfriend, it's better than being married |
856 | 00:43:17,472 | 00:43:18,557 | because, you know, with a girlfriend | because, you know, with a girlfriend |
857 | 00:43:18,557 | 00:43:22,102 | you can switch, and, uh... | you can switch, and, uh... |
858 | 00:43:22,102 | 00:43:24,021 | Marriage is -- fuck, that's hard. | Marriage is -- fuck, that's hard. |
859 | 00:43:24,021 | 00:43:26,774 | I feel bad for people that are in bad marriages. | I feel bad for people that are in bad marriages. |
860 | 00:43:26,774 | 00:43:28,316 | That's -- if you're in a bad marriage, by the way, | That's -- if you're in a bad marriage, by the way, |
861 | 00:43:28,316 | 00:43:29,777 | you know what you should do? Just at stay home. | you know what you should do? Just at stay home. |
862 | 00:43:29,777 | 00:43:31,654 | Don't make people -- just self-quarantine. | Don't make people -- just self-quarantine. |
863 | 00:43:31,654 | 00:43:34,948 | Don't make people fucking look at you. | Don't make people fucking look at you. |
864 | 00:43:34,948 | 00:43:36,784 | You know, those couples that come over for dinner | You know, those couples that come over for dinner |
865 | 00:43:36,784 | 00:43:38,493 | and they're holding a gun to each other's heads like, | and they're holding a gun to each other's heads like, |
866 | 00:43:38,493 | 00:43:40,453 | "Hi, thanks for having us." | "Hi, thanks for having us." |
867 | 00:43:40,453 | 00:43:42,831 | Fuck. | Fuck. |
868 | 00:43:42,831 | 00:43:45,292 | There's always that awful moment at dinner. | There's always that awful moment at dinner. |
869 | 00:43:45,292 | 00:43:47,460 | One of them's like, "We saw that show on Wednesday." | One of them's like, "We saw that show on Wednesday." |
870 | 00:43:47,460 | 00:43:50,255 | The other one's like, "It wasn't Wednesday." | The other one's like, "It wasn't Wednesday." |
871 | 00:43:53,133 | 00:43:55,719 | We're going to fucking puke because of your life. | We're going to fucking puke because of your life. |
872 | 00:43:55,719 | 00:43:58,889 | Oh, that's bad. | Oh, that's bad. |
873 | 00:43:58,889 | 00:44:03,310 | I was on an airplane one time and a married couple came on | I was on an airplane one time and a married couple came on |
874 | 00:44:03,310 | 00:44:04,895 | and they had been sat separately. | and they had been sat separately. |
875 | 00:44:04,895 | 00:44:06,104 | There was some mistake. | There was some mistake. |
876 | 00:44:06,104 | 00:44:07,898 | So they're trying to figure it out. | So they're trying to figure it out. |
877 | 00:44:07,898 | 00:44:10,108 | And the woman, she's supposed to sit here, she comes up to me. | And the woman, she's supposed to sit here, she comes up to me. |
878 | 00:44:10,108 | 00:44:14,404 | She says, "Would you mind moving so I can sit with my husband?" | She says, "Would you mind moving so I can sit with my husband?" |
879 | 00:44:14,404 | 00:44:15,989 | And he's behind her. He's like... | And he's behind her. He's like... |
880 | 00:44:22,204 | 00:44:24,372 | And I wanted to help them, | And I wanted to help them, |
881 | 00:44:24,372 | 00:44:26,041 | but what am I going to say to his wife? | but what am I going to say to his wife? |
882 | 00:44:26,041 | 00:44:27,375 | Just, "No, I won't move." | Just, "No, I won't move." |
883 | 00:44:27,375 | 00:44:29,670 | Then I have to sit with her. | Then I have to sit with her. |
884 | 00:44:29,670 | 00:44:32,631 | So I just got off the plane. I didn't go on the trip. | So I just got off the plane. I didn't go on the trip. |
885 | 00:44:32,631 | 00:44:35,008 | I got off the plane and it took off | I got off the plane and it took off |
886 | 00:44:35,008 | 00:44:36,552 | and it hit the World Trade Center. | and it hit the World Trade Center. |
887 | 00:44:36,552 | 00:44:38,929 | So that was... | So that was... |
888 | 00:44:38,929 | 00:44:41,515 | Yeah, that was bad. | Yeah, that was bad. |
889 | 00:44:41,515 | 00:44:43,517 | I'll never forget that day. | I'll never forget that day. |
890 | 00:44:45,686 | 00:44:48,606 | Ah, fuck, that was so unnecessary. | Ah, fuck, that was so unnecessary. |
891 | 00:44:48,606 | 00:44:54,486 | That was wildly unnecessary. | That was wildly unnecessary. |
892 | 00:44:54,486 | 00:44:56,321 | I dunno, man. I'm sorry. | I dunno, man. I'm sorry. |
893 | 00:44:56,321 | 00:45:00,618 | I'm fucking mentally ill, I don't know... | I'm fucking mentally ill, I don't know... |
894 | 00:45:00,618 | 00:45:02,035 | I've been thinking about this: | I've been thinking about this: |
895 | 00:45:02,035 | 00:45:03,453 | I think the thing is, I think -- | I think the thing is, I think -- |
896 | 00:45:03,453 | 00:45:06,790 | I think I learned too early in my life | I think I learned too early in my life |
897 | 00:45:06,790 | 00:45:09,209 | that when I say something and people get angry, | that when I say something and people get angry, |
898 | 00:45:09,209 | 00:45:11,211 | I just like how that feels. | I just like how that feels. |
899 | 00:45:11,211 | 00:45:12,963 | I don't know why, | I don't know why, |
900 | 00:45:12,963 | 00:45:15,298 | but I learned it too early, I think that's the problem. | but I learned it too early, I think that's the problem. |
901 | 00:45:15,298 | 00:45:16,884 | I learned that when I was 6. | I learned that when I was 6. |
902 | 00:45:16,884 | 00:45:19,219 | That's too young for that kind of... | That's too young for that kind of... |
903 | 00:45:19,219 | 00:45:22,347 | You know, I learned all the bad words when I was 6. | You know, I learned all the bad words when I was 6. |
904 | 00:45:22,347 | 00:45:24,266 | I learned them all in one day | I learned them all in one day |
905 | 00:45:24,266 | 00:45:26,894 | from this old dude who hung around our neighborhood. | from this old dude who hung around our neighborhood. |
906 | 00:45:26,894 | 00:45:28,854 | I don't know if he lived there or what, | I don't know if he lived there or what, |
907 | 00:45:28,854 | 00:45:30,939 | but there this old dude with a shitty coat | but there this old dude with a shitty coat |
908 | 00:45:30,939 | 00:45:32,525 | and a dark tooth | and a dark tooth |
909 | 00:45:32,525 | 00:45:34,401 | that was always walking around my neighborhood. | that was always walking around my neighborhood. |
910 | 00:45:34,401 | 00:45:35,694 | And if you're a kid walking alone, | And if you're a kid walking alone, |
911 | 00:45:35,694 | 00:45:37,655 | he'd walk up and, "Hey," talk to you -- | he'd walk up and, "Hey," talk to you -- |
912 | 00:45:37,655 | 00:45:39,114 | because it was the '70s. | because it was the '70s. |
913 | 00:45:39,114 | 00:45:41,033 | You could just walk up to kids and talk to 'em. | You could just walk up to kids and talk to 'em. |
914 | 00:45:41,033 | 00:45:44,995 | Now you can't even fuck 'em, it's crazy how things are... | Now you can't even fuck 'em, it's crazy how things are... |
915 | 00:45:49,082 | 00:45:50,584 | Sorry. | Sorry. |
916 | 00:45:50,584 | 00:45:53,504 | I know it's wrong to fuck kids, by the way, | I know it's wrong to fuck kids, by the way, |
917 | 00:45:53,504 | 00:45:56,965 | just to be clear, I know that fucking children is wrong. | just to be clear, I know that fucking children is wrong. |
918 | 00:45:56,965 | 00:45:59,802 | I don't even need to be told. I just know that it's wrong. | I don't even need to be told. I just know that it's wrong. |
919 | 00:46:01,804 | 00:46:04,347 | I would know it was wrong, even if it was popular. | I would know it was wrong, even if it was popular. |
920 | 00:46:06,850 | 00:46:08,686 | Even if people were like, "You should fucking kids, | Even if people were like, "You should fucking kids, |
921 | 00:46:08,686 | 00:46:10,813 | it's great," | it's great," |
922 | 00:46:10,813 | 00:46:14,274 | I wouldn't do it. | I wouldn't do it. |
923 | 00:46:14,274 | 00:46:15,943 | Even if the kids came out to me all the time, | Even if the kids came out to me all the time, |
924 | 00:46:15,943 | 00:46:18,486 | "You should fuck me, I like it. I wouldn't mind at all." | "You should fuck me, I like it. I wouldn't mind at all." |
925 | 00:46:20,614 | 00:46:22,783 | I would say, "No thank you, young man." | I would say, "No thank you, young man." |
926 | 00:46:27,287 | 00:46:29,832 | Even if doctors proved... | Even if doctors proved... |
927 | 00:46:33,752 | 00:46:37,380 | ...that it was beneficial to the health of children to fuck them, | ...that it was beneficial to the health of children to fuck them, |
928 | 00:46:37,380 | 00:46:38,841 | I wouldn't do it. I would -- | I wouldn't do it. I would -- |
929 | 00:46:38,841 | 00:46:41,051 | I would -- I wouldn't fuck a kid to save his life. | I would -- I wouldn't fuck a kid to save his life. |
930 | 00:46:41,051 | 00:46:43,220 | That's... | That's... |
931 | 00:46:45,556 | 00:46:48,517 | Even even if somebody said to me, | Even even if somebody said to me, |
932 | 00:46:48,517 | 00:46:50,644 | "If you fuck just this one kid, | "If you fuck just this one kid, |
933 | 00:46:50,644 | 00:46:54,940 | then no kid will ever get fucked ever again." | then no kid will ever get fucked ever again." |
934 | 00:46:54,940 | 00:46:56,650 | I might have to fuck that one kid. | I might have to fuck that one kid. |
935 | 00:46:56,650 | 00:47:00,487 | That might be the right thing to do. | That might be the right thing to do. |
936 | 00:47:00,487 | 00:47:03,323 | I'm saving all those kids. | I'm saving all those kids. |
937 | 00:47:03,323 | 00:47:07,202 | Oh, I'm saving them all. | Oh, I'm saving them all. |
938 | 00:47:07,202 | 00:47:10,497 | Not you, not you. | Not you, not you. |
939 | 00:47:10,497 | 00:47:12,875 | You're the last one. | You're the last one. |
940 | 00:47:20,508 | 00:47:23,719 | It's hypothetically. | It's hypothetically. |
941 | 00:47:23,719 | 00:47:29,141 | Anyway, so the old man came up to me on the street | Anyway, so the old man came up to me on the street |
942 | 00:47:29,141 | 00:47:33,270 | and he and he said, "Hey, do you want to know all the bad words? | and he and he said, "Hey, do you want to know all the bad words? |
943 | 00:47:35,188 | 00:47:37,858 | And I said, "Yes, I think I do." | And I said, "Yes, I think I do." |
944 | 00:47:37,858 | 00:47:40,903 | So he's like, "All right. Okay. Fuck, shit, piss, | So he's like, "All right. Okay. Fuck, shit, piss, |
945 | 00:47:40,903 | 00:47:46,742 | dick, balls, ass, cock, diarrhea, pussy, fart, cum." | dick, balls, ass, cock, diarrhea, pussy, fart, cum." |
946 | 00:47:46,742 | 00:47:50,871 | And I was like, "Oh!" | And I was like, "Oh!" |
947 | 00:47:50,871 | 00:47:55,000 | Just felt so good. | Just felt so good. |
948 | 00:47:55,000 | 00:47:57,210 | I went to school, I went right up to my teacher, I said, | I went to school, I went right up to my teacher, I said, |
949 | 00:47:57,210 | 00:48:01,339 | "Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls, ask, cock, diarrhea, cum, fart." | "Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls, ask, cock, diarrhea, cum, fart." |
950 | 00:48:03,383 | 00:48:05,385 | And she started crying. It's a true story. | And she started crying. It's a true story. |
951 | 00:48:05,385 | 00:48:07,680 | She was like -- | She was like -- |
952 | 00:48:07,680 | 00:48:09,264 | Started crying. | Started crying. |
953 | 00:48:09,264 | 00:48:10,808 | I had a boner. I was so happy. | I had a boner. I was so happy. |
954 | 00:48:10,808 | 00:48:12,726 | It was the best moment of my life. | It was the best moment of my life. |
955 | 00:48:16,730 | 00:48:19,232 | I had to go to the principal's office. | I had to go to the principal's office. |
956 | 00:48:19,232 | 00:48:21,902 | He said, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" | He said, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" |
957 | 00:48:21,902 | 00:48:24,112 | I said, "No, but I eat her pussy with it." | I said, "No, but I eat her pussy with it." |
958 | 00:48:27,282 | 00:48:29,535 | Yeah. Yeah. | Yeah. Yeah. |
959 | 00:48:29,535 | 00:48:31,494 | Yeah! | Yeah! |
960 | 00:48:37,000 | 00:48:38,251 | Anyway, relationships are tough. | Anyway, relationships are tough. |
961 | 00:48:38,251 | 00:48:40,045 | That's what I'm talking about. | That's what I'm talking about. |
962 | 00:48:43,632 | 00:48:46,259 | I used to date a woman who was a vegan, | I used to date a woman who was a vegan, |
963 | 00:48:46,259 | 00:48:49,096 | so I had to fuck her with my dick substitute and, uh... | so I had to fuck her with my dick substitute and, uh... |
964 | 00:48:52,933 | 00:48:54,768 | 'Member when meeting a vegan was weird? | 'Member when meeting a vegan was weird? |
965 | 00:48:54,768 | 00:48:56,269 | Remember when there was like a strange thing, like, | Remember when there was like a strange thing, like, |
966 | 00:48:56,269 | 00:48:58,522 | "Oh, what is -- what is that?" | "Oh, what is -- what is that?" |
967 | 00:48:58,522 | 00:49:01,441 | Like, you probably met your first vegan in the '90s. | Like, you probably met your first vegan in the '90s. |
968 | 00:49:01,441 | 00:49:05,320 | You had like a dinner party and somebody brought a vegan | You had like a dinner party and somebody brought a vegan |
969 | 00:49:05,320 | 00:49:07,239 | and they said, "Just so you know, I'm vegan," | and they said, "Just so you know, I'm vegan," |
970 | 00:49:07,239 | 00:49:09,116 | and you're like, "I'm sorry, you're a vegetarian?" | and you're like, "I'm sorry, you're a vegetarian?" |
971 | 00:49:09,116 | 00:49:11,577 | And they're like, "Heh, no." | And they're like, "Heh, no." |
972 | 00:49:11,577 | 00:49:13,746 | All right, what is the thing? | All right, what is the thing? |
973 | 00:49:13,746 | 00:49:15,372 | And they tell all the... Huh? | And they tell all the... Huh? |
974 | 00:49:15,372 | 00:49:17,541 | Okay. Uh-huh. | Okay. Uh-huh. |
975 | 00:49:17,541 | 00:49:20,418 | Yeah, I have no food for you. | Yeah, I have no food for you. |
976 | 00:49:20,418 | 00:49:24,339 | You can eat a napkin and shit paper, I don't care. | You can eat a napkin and shit paper, I don't care. |
977 | 00:49:24,339 | 00:49:25,924 | But then you met another vegan and you're like, | But then you met another vegan and you're like, |
978 | 00:49:25,924 | 00:49:27,760 | "Okay," and then -- and now they're everywhere, | "Okay," and then -- and now they're everywhere, |
979 | 00:49:27,760 | 00:49:29,427 | now who cares? | now who cares? |
980 | 00:49:29,427 | 00:49:31,514 | There's several vegans and restaurants and whatever. | There's several vegans and restaurants and whatever. |
981 | 00:49:31,514 | 00:49:32,806 | It's kind of like gay people | It's kind of like gay people |
982 | 00:49:32,806 | 00:49:35,643 | sort of a similar trajectory of growth | sort of a similar trajectory of growth |
983 | 00:49:35,643 | 00:49:38,353 | and acceptance in the culture. | and acceptance in the culture. |
984 | 00:49:38,353 | 00:49:40,731 | You know? Gay people and vegans have a lot in common -- | You know? Gay people and vegans have a lot in common -- |
985 | 00:49:40,731 | 00:49:43,233 | like, they both have to tell their families at Thanksgiving. | like, they both have to tell their families at Thanksgiving. |
986 | 00:49:43,233 | 00:49:44,777 | That's when they have to tell them. | That's when they have to tell them. |
987 | 00:49:44,777 | 00:49:48,321 | And Dad gets angry. | And Dad gets angry. |
988 | 00:49:48,321 | 00:49:51,449 | "Your mother worked all night cooking that turkey, | "Your mother worked all night cooking that turkey, |
989 | 00:49:51,449 | 00:49:55,287 | and you're telling me you're a fucking faggot?!" | and you're telling me you're a fucking faggot?!" |
990 | 00:49:55,287 | 00:49:57,039 | You know, it's drama. | You know, it's drama. |
991 | 00:50:00,668 | 00:50:03,128 | But those are the old days, | But those are the old days, |
992 | 00:50:03,128 | 00:50:05,714 | things are better now. | things are better now. |
993 | 00:50:05,714 | 00:50:07,174 | I think it's pretty amazing when you think about it. | I think it's pretty amazing when you think about it. |
994 | 00:50:07,174 | 00:50:10,260 | People used to say that being gay was wrong. | People used to say that being gay was wrong. |
995 | 00:50:10,260 | 00:50:11,762 | Pretty recently, folks used to -- | Pretty recently, folks used to -- |
996 | 00:50:11,762 | 00:50:12,930 | like, most people used to say | like, most people used to say |
997 | 00:50:12,930 | 00:50:14,347 | that being gay was wrong, | that being gay was wrong, |
998 | 00:50:14,347 | 00:50:15,849 | 'course it's not wrong to be gay. | 'course it's not wrong to be gay. |
999 | 00:50:15,849 | 00:50:18,811 | I mean, it's pretty gay but it's not wrong, | I mean, it's pretty gay but it's not wrong, |
1000 | 00:50:18,811 | 00:50:20,353 | but that's what people used to say. | but that's what people used to say. |
1001 | 00:50:20,353 | 00:50:21,730 | And now nobody says that. | And now nobody says that. |
1002 | 00:50:21,730 | 00:50:23,356 | And I think that's a positive change. | And I think that's a positive change. |
1003 | 00:50:23,356 | 00:50:25,818 | I think that's a good thing, although I do wonder | I think that's a good thing, although I do wonder |
1004 | 00:50:25,818 | 00:50:29,780 | if there are gay people who miss when it was wrong. | if there are gay people who miss when it was wrong. |
1005 | 00:50:29,780 | 00:50:32,365 | Maybe there's a few who miss when it was -- | Maybe there's a few who miss when it was -- |
1006 | 00:50:32,365 | 00:50:34,535 | 'cause wasn't it a little more fun, | 'cause wasn't it a little more fun, |
1007 | 00:50:34,535 | 00:50:37,871 | when it was like, "This is fucking crazy." | when it was like, "This is fucking crazy." |
1008 | 00:50:37,871 | 00:50:39,540 | Didn't that... | Didn't that... |
1009 | 00:50:39,540 | 00:50:42,668 | Didn't give it a little zhuzh. A little... | Didn't give it a little zhuzh. A little... |
1010 | 00:50:42,668 | 00:50:46,338 | I could lose my job. Aw, fuck... | I could lose my job. Aw, fuck... |
1011 | 00:50:47,255 | 00:50:49,216 | Because... | Because... |
1012 | 00:50:49,216 | 00:50:51,301 | Now they're like everybody else, which is great. | Now they're like everybody else, which is great. |
1013 | 00:50:51,301 | 00:50:52,970 | And they can get married. That's terrific. | And they can get married. That's terrific. |
1014 | 00:50:52,970 | 00:50:58,851 | But is that fun to fuck your husband at your house? | But is that fun to fuck your husband at your house? |
1015 | 00:50:58,851 | 00:51:01,228 | Wasn't it more fun to be in an old nightclub | Wasn't it more fun to be in an old nightclub |
1016 | 00:51:01,228 | 00:51:02,521 | at 4:00 in the morning, like, | at 4:00 in the morning, like, |
1017 | 00:51:02,521 | 00:51:04,231 | "I'm breaking my mother's heart. | "I'm breaking my mother's heart. |
1018 | 00:51:04,231 | 00:51:09,069 | Oh, yeah." | Oh, yeah." |
1019 | 00:51:09,069 | 00:51:11,655 | I don't know, I don't even mean just gay people, | I don't know, I don't even mean just gay people, |
1020 | 00:51:11,655 | 00:51:15,075 | just some people like when sex is a little fucked up. | just some people like when sex is a little fucked up. |
1021 | 00:51:15,075 | 00:51:16,785 | You know? | You know? |
1022 | 00:51:16,785 | 00:51:20,748 | "Some people!" | "Some people!" |
1023 | 00:51:20,748 | 00:51:25,418 | Some people like when sex is a little fucked up. | Some people like when sex is a little fucked up. |
1024 | 00:51:27,254 | 00:51:29,172 | All right. | All right. |
1025 | 00:51:31,133 | 00:51:32,801 | No... | No... |
1026 | 00:51:32,801 | 00:51:34,678 | All right now, you want to talk about this? | All right now, you want to talk about this? |
1027 | 00:51:34,678 | 00:51:36,304 | Should we talk about it? | Should we talk about it? |
1028 | 00:51:36,304 | 00:51:38,766 | Yeah, all right, all right. | Yeah, all right, all right. |
1029 | 00:51:38,766 | 00:51:40,768 | I don't mind -- I don't mind talking about it. | I don't mind -- I don't mind talking about it. |
1030 | 00:51:40,768 | 00:51:43,020 | Okay. Um... | Okay. Um... |
1031 | 00:51:46,607 | 00:51:48,483 | Here's what -- I'll give you some advice. | Here's what -- I'll give you some advice. |
1032 | 00:51:51,361 | 00:51:54,532 | Here's some advice that really only I can give you. | Here's some advice that really only I can give you. |
1033 | 00:51:56,742 | 00:52:00,538 | if you ever ask somebody, | if you ever ask somebody, |
1034 | 00:52:00,538 | 00:52:02,748 | "Can I jerk off in front of you?" | "Can I jerk off in front of you?" |
1035 | 00:52:04,708 | 00:52:06,919 | Let me finish. I mean -- | Let me finish. I mean -- |
1036 | 00:52:06,919 | 00:52:09,588 | I mean... | I mean... |
1037 | 00:52:09,588 | 00:52:12,424 | Let me finish what I'm saying! | Let me finish what I'm saying! |
1038 | 00:52:12,424 | 00:52:14,677 | Ah... | Ah... |
1039 | 00:52:14,677 | 00:52:17,429 | Ah, fuck. Okay. | Ah, fuck. Okay. |
1040 | 00:52:20,473 | 00:52:23,101 | If you've ever ask somebody, | If you've ever ask somebody, |
1041 | 00:52:23,101 | 00:52:26,063 | "May I jerk off in front of you," | "May I jerk off in front of you," |
1042 | 00:52:26,063 | 00:52:27,690 | and they say yes, | and they say yes, |
1043 | 00:52:27,690 | 00:52:30,442 | just say, "Are you sure?" | just say, "Are you sure?" |
1044 | 00:52:30,442 | 00:52:32,485 | That's the first part. | That's the first part. |
1045 | 00:52:32,485 | 00:52:35,488 | And then if they say yes, just don't fucking do it. | And then if they say yes, just don't fucking do it. |
1046 | 00:52:35,488 | 00:52:37,658 | Just -- just don't do it. | Just -- just don't do it. |
1047 | 00:52:37,658 | 00:52:40,493 | 'Cause, look, whatever you're into, okay? | 'Cause, look, whatever you're into, okay? |
1048 | 00:52:40,493 | 00:52:42,454 | 'Cause everybody's got their thing. | 'Cause everybody's got their thing. |
1049 | 00:52:42,454 | 00:52:44,122 | Whatever your thing is, I don't know. | Whatever your thing is, I don't know. |
1050 | 00:52:44,122 | 00:52:47,459 | You all have your thing. I don't know what your thing is. | You all have your thing. I don't know what your thing is. |
1051 | 00:52:47,459 | 00:52:50,838 | You're so fucking lucky that I don't know what you're thing is. | You're so fucking lucky that I don't know what you're thing is. |
1052 | 00:52:50,838 | 00:52:53,006 | Do you understand how lucky you are | Do you understand how lucky you are |
1053 | 00:52:53,006 | 00:52:55,133 | that people don't know your fucking thing? | that people don't know your fucking thing? |
1054 | 00:52:55,133 | 00:52:58,178 | 'Cause everybody knows my thing. | 'Cause everybody knows my thing. |
1055 | 00:52:58,178 | 00:53:01,515 | Everybody knows my fucking thing now. | Everybody knows my fucking thing now. |
1056 | 00:53:01,515 | 00:53:03,684 | Obama knows my thing. | Obama knows my thing. |
1057 | 00:53:03,684 | 00:53:08,772 | Do you understand how that feels? | Do you understand how that feels? |
1058 | 00:53:08,772 | 00:53:11,525 | To know that Obama was like, "Good lord!" | To know that Obama was like, "Good lord!" |
1059 | 00:53:18,532 | 00:53:20,534 | Everybody in the world knows my thing. | Everybody in the world knows my thing. |
1060 | 00:53:20,534 | 00:53:22,452 | I got on an airplane in Italy, this little kid was like, | I got on an airplane in Italy, this little kid was like, |
1061 | 00:53:22,452 | 00:53:24,872 | "Mama, that's the guy who jerk off in front of the people!" | "Mama, that's the guy who jerk off in front of the people!" |
1062 | 00:53:33,255 | 00:53:34,965 | So whatever your thing is, I don't know what it is, | So whatever your thing is, I don't know what it is, |
1063 | 00:53:34,965 | 00:53:36,509 | maybe you can't cum unless you have | maybe you can't cum unless you have |
1064 | 00:53:36,509 | 00:53:38,927 | your father on speaker phone, whatever it is. | your father on speaker phone, whatever it is. |
1065 | 00:53:44,141 | 00:53:45,601 | If you want to do it with somebody else, | If you want to do it with somebody else, |
1066 | 00:53:45,601 | 00:53:47,060 | you need to ask first, but if they say yes, | you need to ask first, but if they say yes, |
1067 | 00:53:47,060 | 00:53:49,813 | you still don't get to just go, "Whoo!" | you still don't get to just go, "Whoo!" |
1068 | 00:53:49,813 | 00:53:52,149 | And charge ahead -- gotta check in often. | And charge ahead -- gotta check in often. |
1069 | 00:53:52,149 | 00:53:53,901 | I guess that's what I would say. | I guess that's what I would say. |
1070 | 00:53:53,901 | 00:53:56,278 | Check in, because it's not always clear how people feel. | Check in, because it's not always clear how people feel. |
1071 | 00:53:56,278 | 00:53:58,864 | Like, men are taught to make sure the woman is okay. | Like, men are taught to make sure the woman is okay. |
1072 | 00:53:58,864 | 00:54:01,074 | But the thing is, women know how to seem okay | But the thing is, women know how to seem okay |
1073 | 00:54:01,074 | 00:54:02,535 | when they're not okay. | when they're not okay. |
1074 | 00:54:02,535 | 00:54:04,036 | So you can't just look at her face be like, | So you can't just look at her face be like, |
1075 | 00:54:04,036 | 00:54:05,495 | "Yeah, her eyes are dry. We're fine. | "Yeah, her eyes are dry. We're fine. |
1076 | 00:54:05,495 | 00:54:10,083 | We'll just keep going" -- You gotta check in. | We'll just keep going" -- You gotta check in. |
1077 | 00:54:10,083 | 00:54:11,669 | 'Cause sex -- communication, during sex | 'Cause sex -- communication, during sex |
1078 | 00:54:11,669 | 00:54:13,086 | can be very confusing, like, sometimes, | can be very confusing, like, sometimes, |
1079 | 00:54:13,086 | 00:54:14,922 | you're with a woman, you're having sex, | you're with a woman, you're having sex, |
1080 | 00:54:14,922 | 00:54:17,382 | she's making noises, she's going, like, "Ooh, ahh." | she's making noises, she's going, like, "Ooh, ahh." |
1081 | 00:54:17,382 | 00:54:19,635 | And you're like, "Oh, she loves it." | And you're like, "Oh, she loves it." |
1082 | 00:54:19,635 | 00:54:22,930 | Not necessarily. | Not necessarily. |
1083 | 00:54:22,930 | 00:54:24,557 | Sometimes they're making those noises | Sometimes they're making those noises |
1084 | 00:54:24,557 | 00:54:26,349 | just to get through it, | just to get through it, |
1085 | 00:54:26,349 | 00:54:28,143 | because it's easier to go, "Ooh," | because it's easier to go, "Ooh," |
1086 | 00:54:28,143 | 00:54:29,978 | than to say, "I hate how you fuck me. | than to say, "I hate how you fuck me. |
1087 | 00:54:29,978 | 00:54:32,480 | Honestly, it's awful." | Honestly, it's awful." |
1088 | 00:54:32,480 | 00:54:34,733 | So she goes, "Ooh, baby!" | So she goes, "Ooh, baby!" |
1089 | 00:54:34,733 | 00:54:36,569 | It's kind of like a Negro spiritual, | It's kind of like a Negro spiritual, |
1090 | 00:54:36,569 | 00:54:39,112 | it's sort of similar. | it's sort of similar. |
1091 | 00:54:40,989 | 00:54:42,741 | So to assume that she likes it is like | So to assume that she likes it is like |
1092 | 00:54:42,741 | 00:54:44,618 | if they heard slaves singing in the fields, and they're like, | if they heard slaves singing in the fields, and they're like, |
1093 | 00:54:44,618 | 00:54:46,787 | "Hey, you're having a great time out there!" | "Hey, you're having a great time out there!" |
1094 | 00:54:56,505 | 00:54:59,132 | As far as my thing -- I dunno what the fuck... | As far as my thing -- I dunno what the fuck... |
1095 | 00:54:59,132 | 00:55:00,676 | People are like, "Why do you want to do it anyway?" | People are like, "Why do you want to do it anyway?" |
1096 | 00:55:00,676 | 00:55:02,385 | Okay, oh, no. | Okay, oh, no. |
1097 | 00:55:02,385 | 00:55:05,097 | I like jerking off, I don't like being alone. | I like jerking off, I don't like being alone. |
1098 | 00:55:05,097 | 00:55:06,890 | That's all I can tell you. | That's all I can tell you. |
1099 | 00:55:06,890 | 00:55:08,684 | I -- I get lonely! "Where is everyone?" | I -- I get lonely! "Where is everyone?" |
1100 | 00:55:08,684 | 00:55:12,187 | It's just sad. I like company. | It's just sad. I like company. |
1101 | 00:55:12,187 | 00:55:14,898 | I like to share. I'm good at it, too. | I like to share. I'm good at it, too. |
1102 | 00:55:14,898 | 00:55:16,191 | If you're good at juggling, | If you're good at juggling, |
1103 | 00:55:16,191 | 00:55:18,026 | you wouldn't do it alone in the dark. | you wouldn't do it alone in the dark. |
1104 | 00:55:18,026 | 00:55:21,488 | You would gather folks and amaze them. | You would gather folks and amaze them. |
1105 | 00:55:26,744 | 00:55:29,079 | Anyway, that's all I'm going to say about that shit. | Anyway, that's all I'm going to say about that shit. |
1106 | 00:55:40,340 | 00:55:44,136 | Well... | Well... |
1107 | 00:55:45,929 | 00:55:47,765 | Let me ask you a question. | Let me ask you a question. |
1108 | 00:55:47,765 | 00:55:49,224 | You ever wonder | You ever wonder |
1109 | 00:55:49,224 | 00:55:51,143 | how many people ever fucked your mom? | how many people ever fucked your mom? |
1110 | 00:55:53,353 | 00:55:55,272 | We're almost done. You're doing great. | We're almost done. You're doing great. |
1111 | 00:55:57,274 | 00:55:59,026 | This is important to me. | This is important to me. |
1112 | 00:55:59,026 | 00:56:00,402 | You ever look at your mom and go, like, | You ever look at your mom and go, like, |
1113 | 00:56:00,402 | 00:56:02,279 | "Mom, how many dicks? Just how many?" | "Mom, how many dicks? Just how many?" |
1114 | 00:56:02,279 | 00:56:04,072 | I lost my mom. | I lost my mom. |
1115 | 00:56:04,072 | 00:56:05,533 | So those are the things I don't know. | So those are the things I don't know. |
1116 | 00:56:05,533 | 00:56:07,618 | So I'm curious. | So I'm curious. |
1117 | 00:56:07,618 | 00:56:10,412 | I don't feel like a lot of dudes fucked my mom. | I don't feel like a lot of dudes fucked my mom. |
1118 | 00:56:10,412 | 00:56:12,998 | Not 'cause she's, like, pure, because, like, I don't think so. | Not 'cause she's, like, pure, because, like, I don't think so. |
1119 | 00:56:12,998 | 00:56:17,795 | But I hope it was as many as she wanted. | But I hope it was as many as she wanted. |
1120 | 00:56:17,795 | 00:56:20,047 | That's what I hope -- I hope she got all the dicks | That's what I hope -- I hope she got all the dicks |
1121 | 00:56:20,047 | 00:56:22,299 | she ever dreamed of because I loved her. | she ever dreamed of because I loved her. |
1122 | 00:56:22,299 | 00:56:24,217 | I hope at the end, my mom was like, | I hope at the end, my mom was like, |
1123 | 00:56:24,217 | 00:56:26,303 | "That with plenty of dicks. | "That with plenty of dicks. |
1124 | 00:56:26,303 | 00:56:28,055 | Whew-hoo!" | Whew-hoo!" |
1125 | 00:56:31,391 | 00:56:33,936 | But I'll never know -- because you don't know your mom. | But I'll never know -- because you don't know your mom. |
1126 | 00:56:33,936 | 00:56:35,854 | That's the truth -- you don't really know your mother. | That's the truth -- you don't really know your mother. |
1127 | 00:56:35,854 | 00:56:37,147 | You feel like you know her, | You feel like you know her, |
1128 | 00:56:37,147 | 00:56:39,066 | but you know what she told you. | but you know what she told you. |
1129 | 00:56:39,066 | 00:56:41,193 | She didn't tell you shit. | She didn't tell you shit. |
1130 | 00:56:41,193 | 00:56:42,653 | You don't tell your kids your life. | You don't tell your kids your life. |
1131 | 00:56:42,653 | 00:56:44,404 | What did your mother tell you? | What did your mother tell you? |
1132 | 00:56:44,404 | 00:56:47,658 | "I won a swimming medal when I was 12." | "I won a swimming medal when I was 12." |
1133 | 00:56:47,658 | 00:56:49,284 | She didn't tell you, like, | She didn't tell you, like, |
1134 | 00:56:49,284 | 00:56:50,493 | "I used to fuck this guy at work, it was amazing." | "I used to fuck this guy at work, it was amazing." |
1135 | 00:56:50,493 | 00:56:54,497 | She didn't tell you that. | She didn't tell you that. |
1136 | 00:56:54,497 | 00:56:58,251 | Think about your mom's life story as she told it to you. | Think about your mom's life story as she told it to you. |
1137 | 00:56:58,251 | 00:57:02,255 | There's huge holes in that story. | There's huge holes in that story. |
1138 | 00:57:02,255 | 00:57:04,382 | "Well, I graduated when I was 22 | "Well, I graduated when I was 22 |
1139 | 00:57:04,382 | 00:57:07,010 | and then I met your father when I was 35." | and then I met your father when I was 35." |
1140 | 00:57:10,222 | 00:57:13,016 | "Feels like a lot of dicks would fit right in there, Mom." | "Feels like a lot of dicks would fit right in there, Mom." |
1141 | 00:57:16,353 | 00:57:17,896 | You know those movies where you're -- | You know those movies where you're -- |
1142 | 00:57:17,896 | 00:57:20,023 | where a mother and a daughter switch bodies. | where a mother and a daughter switch bodies. |
1143 | 00:57:20,023 | 00:57:21,650 | You ever seen a movie like -- it's always like, | You ever seen a movie like -- it's always like, |
1144 | 00:57:21,650 | 00:57:24,612 | "Freaky Friday," some Disney comedy where a mother | "Freaky Friday," some Disney comedy where a mother |
1145 | 00:57:24,612 | 00:57:27,489 | and a daughter switch bodies and then they're like, "Whoa!" | and a daughter switch bodies and then they're like, "Whoa!" |
1146 | 00:57:27,489 | 00:57:32,119 | Then they have to water ski and be in a rock band together. | Then they have to water ski and be in a rock band together. |
1147 | 00:57:32,119 | 00:57:34,580 | And then they switch back and they know each other better. | And then they switch back and they know each other better. |
1148 | 00:57:34,580 | 00:57:36,331 | That's the formula | That's the formula |
1149 | 00:57:36,331 | 00:57:38,876 | I think they should make it another one of those movies. | I think they should make it another one of those movies. |
1150 | 00:57:41,629 | 00:57:43,046 | But it should be about a mother | But it should be about a mother |
1151 | 00:57:43,046 | 00:57:45,674 | who switches bodies with her son. | who switches bodies with her son. |
1152 | 00:57:45,674 | 00:57:48,761 | But it's not a comedy, it's a drama -- | But it's not a comedy, it's a drama -- |
1153 | 00:57:48,761 | 00:57:50,888 | like a medical affliction. | like a medical affliction. |
1154 | 00:57:50,888 | 00:57:52,598 | They're upset the whole time. | They're upset the whole time. |
1155 | 00:57:52,598 | 00:57:54,349 | She's in the bathroom in the morning, | She's in the bathroom in the morning, |
1156 | 00:57:54,349 | 00:57:59,104 | "I'm holding my son's penis. It's confusing." | "I'm holding my son's penis. It's confusing." |
1157 | 00:57:59,104 | 00:58:00,856 | And her son is in her body, he's like, | And her son is in her body, he's like, |
1158 | 00:58:00,856 | 00:58:03,734 | "I don't want to be my mommy anymore. | "I don't want to be my mommy anymore. |
1159 | 00:58:06,403 | 00:58:08,947 | I don't like how it feels." | I don't like how it feels." |
1160 | 00:58:14,244 | 00:58:16,914 | And his dad comes home and he starts fucking 'im. | And his dad comes home and he starts fucking 'im. |
1161 | 00:58:16,914 | 00:58:18,999 | "Oh, God! | "Oh, God! |
1162 | 00:58:21,168 | 00:58:24,838 | What's happening now? | What's happening now? |
1163 | 00:58:24,838 | 00:58:26,965 | I don't like this, | I don't like this, |
1164 | 00:58:26,965 | 00:58:30,260 | but I don't want to say no to my dad." | but I don't want to say no to my dad." |
1165 | 00:58:36,099 | 00:58:37,851 | And then at the end of the movie, | And then at the end of the movie, |
1166 | 00:58:37,851 | 00:58:39,770 | they never switch back. | they never switch back. |
1167 | 00:58:42,480 | 00:58:45,776 | You guys were great, thank you very much for coming tonight. | You guys were great, thank you very much for coming tonight. |
1168 | 00:58:45,776 | 00:58:48,070 | It was a pleasure talking to you. | It was a pleasure talking to you. |
1169 | 00:58:48,070 | 00:58:50,864 | Get home safe. Thank you very, very much. | Get home safe. Thank you very, very much. |
1170 | 00:58:50,864 | 00:58:52,115 | Goodnight. | Goodnight. |