# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:02,720 00:00:06,031 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
2 00:00:06,120 00:00:09,590 # That I am just too long in the tooth # That I am just too long in the tooth
3 00:00:09,680 00:00:13,071 # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4 00:00:13,160 00:00:16,596 # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5 00:00:16,680 00:00:20,594 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6 00:00:20,680 00:00:24,150 # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Fading away but I've not yet expired
7 00:00:24,240 00:00:27,756 # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8 00:00:27,840 00:00:31,390 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #
9 00:00:34,360 00:00:36,510 (COUGHING) (COUGHING)
10 00:01:05,040 00:01:07,236 (PHONE RINGING) (PHONE RINGING)
11 00:01:09,080 00:01:11,037 (CLEARING THROAT) (CLEARING THROAT)
12 00:01:12,960 00:01:14,633 4291. 4291.
13 00:01:15,160 00:01:19,552 Oh, hello, Jean. No, no, just out the back. Oh, hello, Jean. No, no, just out the back.
14 00:01:19,920 00:01:23,595 Putting Victor's spaghetti vongole through the incinerator. Putting Victor's spaghetti vongole through the incinerator.
15 00:01:24,120 00:01:27,829 No, we've tried putting it in the bin. The dustmen won't touch it. No, we've tried putting it in the bin. The dustmen won't touch it.
16 00:01:27,920 00:01:31,197 Not after last Monday's episode with the lobster curry. Not after last Monday's episode with the lobster curry.
17 00:01:31,280 00:01:34,238 Said it clogged up their crusher for a week. Said it clogged up their crusher for a week.
18 00:01:34,320 00:01:38,712 Oh! Not the effect it had on me, I can tell you. Oh! Not the effect it had on me, I can tell you.
19 00:01:38,800 00:01:41,394 Oh, hideous, Jean. Oh, hideous, Jean.
20 00:01:41,480 00:01:43,994 Ever since he bought this seafood cookery book, Ever since he bought this seafood cookery book,
21 00:01:44,080 00:01:47,072 every mealtime has been like The Quatermass Experiment. every mealtime has been like The Quatermass Experiment.
22 00:01:47,600 00:01:51,116 Clams exploding in the microwave, God knows what. Clams exploding in the microwave, God knows what.
23 00:01:51,200 00:01:55,398 Oh, God, no. I've put a stop to it now, don't you worry about that. Oh, God, no. I've put a stop to it now, don't you worry about that.
24 00:01:55,480 00:01:58,632 He won't be trying anymore of those concoctions, let me tell you. He won't be trying anymore of those concoctions, let me tell you.
25 00:01:58,720 00:02:00,870 Anyway, did you get my... Anyway, did you get my...
26 00:02:00,960 00:02:02,633 Oh, lovely. Oh, lovely.
27 00:02:11,040 00:02:15,557 Yes, you can bring it the next time I see you. Thanks very much, Jean. Bye. Yes, you can bring it the next time I see you. Thanks very much, Jean. Bye.
28 00:02:24,280 00:02:28,717 Oh, for God's sake. No, Victor. Now, I've told you. Oh, for God's sake. No, Victor. Now, I've told you.
29 00:02:29,520 00:02:32,638 When did you fish this back out, for goodness sake? When did you fish this back out, for goodness sake?
30 00:02:32,720 00:02:35,234 I've told you I am having no more of it. I've told you I am having no more of it.
31 00:02:35,320 00:02:37,834 I was just going to do a little bit of poached salmon for lunch. I was just going to do a little bit of poached salmon for lunch.
32 00:02:37,920 00:02:40,230 Nothing complicated. Nothing that's going to smell. Nothing complicated. Nothing that's going to smell.
33 00:02:40,320 00:02:42,391 That's what you said about the squid in the Stilton sauce That's what you said about the squid in the Stilton sauce
34 00:02:42,480 00:02:46,360 and they had half the road up outside looking for a gas leak. and they had half the road up outside looking for a gas leak.
35 00:02:46,440 00:02:50,957 Just leave it alone and go and read your newspaper before I go off my rocker. Just leave it alone and go and read your newspaper before I go off my rocker.
36 00:02:51,040 00:02:52,553 (SIGHING) (SIGHING)
37 00:02:52,720 00:02:56,873 And anyway, you won't be wanting much lunch if you're having your meal with Patrick tonight. And anyway, you won't be wanting much lunch if you're having your meal with Patrick tonight.
38 00:02:56,960 00:02:58,871 Don't remind me. Don't remind me.
39 00:03:01,400 00:03:05,359 And you're not backing out of it so don't start that. And you're not backing out of it so don't start that.
40 00:03:05,560 00:03:08,029 Now that Pippa and I finally got you to the negotiating table, Now that Pippa and I finally got you to the negotiating table,
41 00:03:08,120 00:03:11,158 you can have a nice bottle of wine between you and start behaving you can have a nice bottle of wine between you and start behaving
42 00:03:11,240 00:03:14,551 like a couple of grown-up human beings for a change. like a couple of grown-up human beings for a change.
43 00:03:14,640 00:03:15,994 Do you hear me? Do you hear me?
44 00:03:16,080 00:03:18,594 Have I got these socks on inside out? Have I got these socks on inside out?
45 00:03:19,600 00:03:22,069 Do you hear me? Do you hear me?
46 00:03:22,440 00:03:24,317 Yes. Yes.
47 00:03:34,040 00:03:35,951 VICTOR: Never again. VICTOR: Never again.
48 00:03:37,040 00:03:39,839 As long as I live. As long as I live.
49 00:03:40,840 00:03:45,357 What's happened here? Not another bloody power cut. What's happened here? Not another bloody power cut.
50 00:03:53,040 00:03:57,910 Before you even ask how it went, I do not want to talk about it. Before you even ask how it went, I do not want to talk about it.
51 00:03:58,880 00:04:03,317 I've never been so humiliated in all my natural born days. I've never been so humiliated in all my natural born days.
52 00:04:04,040 00:04:07,158 Do you know what happened when we got there, hmm? Do you know what happened when we got there, hmm?
53 00:04:07,240 00:04:09,834 Yes, well, I don't want to talk about it. Yes, well, I don't want to talk about it.
54 00:04:09,920 00:04:14,073 Bloody Armenian restaurant, not one of them spoke a word of English. Bloody Armenian restaurant, not one of them spoke a word of English.
55 00:04:14,280 00:04:17,830 Can you believe what they did? Margaret, are you asleep? Can you believe what they did? Margaret, are you asleep?
56 00:04:17,960 00:04:21,032 Good, 'cause I don't want to talk about it. Good, 'cause I don't want to talk about it.
57 00:04:22,240 00:04:23,275 (CRASHING) (CRASHING)
58 00:04:23,360 00:04:24,953 VICTOR: Bugger it! VICTOR: Bugger it!
59 00:04:28,280 00:04:31,079 Look, I've said I'm sorry. Look, I've said I'm sorry.
60 00:04:31,160 00:04:36,473 In any case, whose idea was it to pick an Armenian restaurant in the first place? In any case, whose idea was it to pick an Armenian restaurant in the first place?
61 00:04:37,120 00:04:39,714 -Yours. -Oh, was it? -Yours. -Oh, was it?
62 00:04:39,800 00:04:41,473 And correct me if I'm wrong, And correct me if I'm wrong,
63 00:04:41,560 00:04:45,076 but it was you that rang up and asked for a nice, intimate little table but it was you that rang up and asked for a nice, intimate little table
64 00:04:45,160 00:04:48,994 where two people could be alone together to discuss some personal affairs. where two people could be alone together to discuss some personal affairs.
65 00:04:49,080 00:04:52,232 I can't remember if I used those words exactly. I can't remember if I used those words exactly.
66 00:04:52,320 00:04:56,314 Well, whatever words you used, one fact remains, doesn't it? Well, whatever words you used, one fact remains, doesn't it?
67 00:04:56,600 00:04:59,114 The entire staff and management were under the hideous impression The entire staff and management were under the hideous impression
68 00:04:59,200 00:05:02,636 that Mr Meldrew and I were secret lovers. that Mr Meldrew and I were secret lovers.
69 00:05:04,960 00:05:08,316 A hypothesis so grisly, it fair curdles the blood. A hypothesis so grisly, it fair curdles the blood.
70 00:05:09,120 00:05:12,909 It was bad enough when they brought us one bowl of soup with two spoons. It was bad enough when they brought us one bowl of soup with two spoons.
71 00:05:13,000 00:05:18,393 Though, strangely, the full horror of the situation didn't become clear until the next course Though, strangely, the full horror of the situation didn't become clear until the next course
72 00:05:18,480 00:05:21,757 when a long complimentary sausage arrived at the table, when a long complimentary sausage arrived at the table,
73 00:05:22,440 00:05:24,909 which we were then forced to nibble from each end which we were then forced to nibble from each end
74 00:05:25,000 00:05:28,755 until our lips met in the middle, like Lady and the Tramp. until our lips met in the middle, like Lady and the Tramp.
75 00:05:28,840 00:05:30,877 Why didn't you say something? Why didn't you say something?
76 00:05:30,960 00:05:35,272 I'm afraid anything we attempted to say was largely academic I'm afraid anything we attempted to say was largely academic
77 00:05:35,360 00:05:39,593 once the gypsy violinist started serenading us with Armenian love songs. once the gypsy violinist started serenading us with Armenian love songs.
78 00:05:40,240 00:05:43,312 It would have been cruel just to tell him to bugger off, It would have been cruel just to tell him to bugger off,
79 00:05:44,760 00:05:47,400 so we told him to bugger off. so we told him to bugger off.
80 00:05:47,480 00:05:51,110 I don't know, there's always something, isn't there? I don't know, there's always something, isn't there?
81 00:05:51,800 00:05:53,154 PATRICK: Yes. PATRICK: Yes.
82 00:05:53,240 00:05:57,234 Although, for maximum embarrassment it would be hard to top the moment Although, for maximum embarrassment it would be hard to top the moment
83 00:05:57,320 00:06:00,995 when the waiter came over and in front of the entire restaurant, when the waiter came over and in front of the entire restaurant,
84 00:06:01,080 00:06:05,233 I can only assume he was attempting to say, "Do you both love pork?" I can only assume he was attempting to say, "Do you both love pork?"
85 00:06:05,320 00:06:10,349 And not as it came out in his mangled English, "Do you both have sex with pigs?" And not as it came out in his mangled English, "Do you both have sex with pigs?"
86 00:06:13,120 00:06:15,236 We did attempt to leave at that point, We did attempt to leave at that point,
87 00:06:15,320 00:06:19,029 not before they'd forced us to pose for some romantic photographs, not before they'd forced us to pose for some romantic photographs,
88 00:06:19,120 00:06:21,316 holding hands across the table. holding hands across the table.
89 00:06:21,400 00:06:24,438 PIPPA: That's quite sweet, really. PIPPA: That's quite sweet, really.
90 00:06:25,680 00:06:29,514 Quite sweet? Have you taken leave of your senses? Quite sweet? Have you taken leave of your senses?
91 00:06:29,600 00:06:34,390 Thirty people in that restaurant tonight think Victor Meldrew and I are sleeping together. Thirty people in that restaurant tonight think Victor Meldrew and I are sleeping together.
92 00:06:34,480 00:06:37,916 Six inches of brick wall, that's all that's separating us. Six inches of brick wall, that's all that's separating us.
93 00:06:38,000 00:06:41,356 Thank God for a couple of days in the country at your brother's place. Thank God for a couple of days in the country at your brother's place.
94 00:06:41,440 00:06:43,078 What time's he expecting us on Friday? What time's he expecting us on Friday?
95 00:06:43,160 00:06:47,916 He's coming round in the morning for coffee. I said we'd firm up the arrangements then. He's coming round in the morning for coffee. I said we'd firm up the arrangements then.
96 00:06:48,080 00:06:51,072 I shudder to think what dreams I'm gonna have tonight I shudder to think what dreams I'm gonna have tonight
97 00:06:51,160 00:06:53,151 about that sausage. about that sausage.
98 00:07:02,280 00:07:04,590 Is that the time? Is that the time?
99 00:07:05,040 00:07:08,749 And we're supposed to be clearing the loft this morning, And we're supposed to be clearing the loft this morning,
100 00:07:08,840 00:07:10,558 or had you forgotten? or had you forgotten?
101 00:07:11,160 00:07:14,630 Another few days of disruption to look forward to. Another few days of disruption to look forward to.
102 00:07:14,720 00:07:19,032 Oh, what the hell has been going on in here? Oh, what the hell has been going on in here?
103 00:07:19,600 00:07:22,831 Oh, Victor, what on earth? Oh, Victor, what on earth?
104 00:07:26,760 00:07:28,512 What is it? What is it?
105 00:07:30,760 00:07:33,559 When you washed your face in the dark last night, When you washed your face in the dark last night,
106 00:07:33,640 00:07:37,190 you opened one of those new little packets of soap in the bathroom cupboard, did you? you opened one of those new little packets of soap in the bathroom cupboard, did you?
107 00:07:37,280 00:07:39,317 -Yes. why? -Wrong. -Yes. why? -Wrong.
108 00:07:39,400 00:07:43,075 You opened a new little packet of Tesco's toilet flush. You opened a new little packet of Tesco's toilet flush.
109 00:07:43,920 00:07:48,471 And it's all over the towel and the face flannel and the pillow and... And it's all over the towel and the face flannel and the pillow and...
110 00:07:48,560 00:07:52,713 Oh, get up. Look what you've done! Oh, get up. Look what you've done!
111 00:07:53,000 00:07:55,833 I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry about that.
112 00:07:56,480 00:07:59,950 What are you rushing about for, anyway, like a bat out of hell? What are you rushing about for, anyway, like a bat out of hell?
113 00:08:00,040 00:08:02,395 Because it's 9:30 nearly Because it's 9:30 nearly
114 00:08:02,480 00:08:05,598 and they're coming to start the loft conversion at 12:00. and they're coming to start the loft conversion at 12:00.
115 00:08:05,680 00:08:08,798 That cranky couple of yours, the McKendrick brothers. That cranky couple of yours, the McKendrick brothers.
116 00:08:08,880 00:08:11,554 That's if they bother to turn up this time. That's if they bother to turn up this time.
117 00:08:11,640 00:08:15,520 They'll turn up, they're generally very reliable. They'll turn up, they're generally very reliable.
118 00:08:17,640 00:08:20,951 Don't know what you've got against the pair of them anyway. Don't know what you've got against the pair of them anyway.
119 00:08:21,040 00:08:23,077 One of them's gone deaf from a pneumatic drill One of them's gone deaf from a pneumatic drill
120 00:08:23,160 00:08:26,118 and the other has an extremely weird sense of humour. and the other has an extremely weird sense of humour.
121 00:08:26,200 00:08:28,669 I think he's very funny. I think he's very funny.
122 00:08:29,840 00:08:32,116 You would. You would.
123 00:08:34,800 00:08:38,873 Okay, I've got it. Is that everything, then? Okay, I've got it. Is that everything, then?
124 00:08:39,800 00:08:43,998 No more of Ronnie and Mildred's Christmas presents up there, are there? No more of Ronnie and Mildred's Christmas presents up there, are there?
125 00:08:44,080 00:08:46,071 Not that I can see. Not that I can see.
126 00:08:46,160 00:08:50,552 (VICTOR LAUGHING) I'd wondered where you'd gone to! (VICTOR LAUGHING) I'd wondered where you'd gone to!
127 00:08:50,880 00:08:52,712 Remember this? Remember this?
128 00:08:54,040 00:08:55,997 £5 in a car boot sale. £5 in a car boot sale.
129 00:08:56,080 00:08:58,913 I was going to try and get it working again, never got round to it. I was going to try and get it working again, never got round to it.
130 00:08:59,000 00:09:00,752 As usual. As usual.
131 00:09:00,840 00:09:03,878 I'd better look lively. They said I could have the morning off I'd better look lively. They said I could have the morning off
132 00:09:03,960 00:09:05,394 but I don't want to push my luck. but I don't want to push my luck.
133 00:09:05,480 00:09:06,470 (DOORBELL RINGING) (DOORBELL RINGING)
134 00:09:06,560 00:09:08,915 Oh, that's good timing. Oh, that's good timing.
135 00:09:16,040 00:09:19,590 Morning, Mrs Meldrew. Bit parky out there today and that's a fact. Morning, Mrs Meldrew. Bit parky out there today and that's a fact.
136 00:09:19,680 00:09:21,478 Yes. You want to go straight up? Yes. You want to go straight up?
137 00:09:21,560 00:09:23,551 (WHISTLING) (WHISTLING)
138 00:09:25,400 00:09:29,075 Morning, how are you doing? We're a little bit earlier than we said. Morning, how are you doing? We're a little bit earlier than we said.
139 00:09:29,160 00:09:31,390 Yes, well, we're just about finished up there now. Yes, well, we're just about finished up there now.
140 00:09:31,480 00:09:34,438 -Say again? - I think we're just about finished up there now! -Say again? - I think we're just about finished up there now!
141 00:09:34,520 00:09:38,275 Right you are. Time to make way for the professionals, eh? Right you are. Time to make way for the professionals, eh?
142 00:09:39,320 00:09:41,277 MCKENDRICK 1: How are we doing on that lighting source? MCKENDRICK 1: How are we doing on that lighting source?
143 00:09:41,360 00:09:43,920 You nearly there or am I going to have to eat a bag of carrots? You nearly there or am I going to have to eat a bag of carrots?
144 00:09:44,000 00:09:46,799 Coming up any second. Hang on. Coming up any second. Hang on.
145 00:09:47,560 00:09:51,030 # There may be teardrops ahead # There may be teardrops ahead
146 00:09:51,920 00:09:57,233 # But while there's moonlight and roses And love and romance # # But while there's moonlight and roses And love and romance #
147 00:09:58,200 00:10:00,953 Ah! Oh, shit! Ah! Oh, shit!
148 00:10:01,920 00:10:04,912 -Oh, my God! -What happened? -Oh, my God! -What happened?
149 00:10:05,200 00:10:06,952 What have you done? What have you done?
150 00:10:08,680 00:10:10,637 -It just slipped. -Oh! -It just slipped. -Oh!
151 00:10:10,720 00:10:13,838 Went right through. Oh, God! Went right through. Oh, God!
152 00:10:13,920 00:10:16,230 Can you pull it out or anything? Can you pull it out or anything?
153 00:10:16,320 00:10:19,756 I don't know. I'll try but... I don't know. I'll try but...
154 00:10:19,840 00:10:22,116 Oh, yeah, there we are. Oh, yeah, there we are.
155 00:10:22,200 00:10:23,235 (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING)
156 00:10:23,320 00:10:27,029 Had you going that time, didn't I, eh? Should have seen your face. Had you going that time, didn't I, eh? Should have seen your face.
157 00:10:27,120 00:10:29,157 I thought you were going to have a seizure. I thought you were going to have a seizure.
158 00:10:29,240 00:10:30,878 (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING)
159 00:10:33,400 00:10:36,279 You know, we'll soon have to make a decision on that paintwork. You know, we'll soon have to make a decision on that paintwork.
160 00:10:36,360 00:10:41,036 I know, I think we've marked up our choice on that colour chart out there. I know, I think we've marked up our choice on that colour chart out there.
161 00:10:41,120 00:10:42,474 Oh, right. Oh, right.
162 00:10:45,240 00:10:47,277 I put some fresh coffee on, by the way. I put some fresh coffee on, by the way.
163 00:10:47,360 00:10:50,318 -Where is it? -It's in the jug, freshly brewed. -Where is it? -It's in the jug, freshly brewed.
164 00:10:50,400 00:10:53,040 Champion. You want me to pour you one out while I'm at it? Champion. You want me to pour you one out while I'm at it?
165 00:10:53,120 00:10:54,440 If you would. If you would.
166 00:10:58,640 00:11:02,918 -Did you want it white? -No, magnolia, I think, is what we both decided. -Did you want it white? -No, magnolia, I think, is what we both decided.
167 00:11:03,000 00:11:05,833 Okay. We'll get that ordered up for you. Okay. We'll get that ordered up for you.
168 00:11:05,920 00:11:07,957 Here you go. It may be a bit full. Here you go. It may be a bit full.
169 00:11:08,040 00:11:10,429 Thanks very much, that's fine. Thanks very much, that's fine.
170 00:11:12,120 00:11:13,997 (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING)
171 00:11:16,000 00:11:17,752 I'm off, then. I'm off, then.
172 00:11:18,400 00:11:22,678 You're not going to start barbecuing a sperm whale or anything today, I trust? You're not going to start barbecuing a sperm whale or anything today, I trust?
173 00:11:22,760 00:11:26,435 I've got plenty to occupy myself, thank you very much. I've got plenty to occupy myself, thank you very much.
174 00:11:31,000 00:11:33,719 Yes. Evidently. Yes. Evidently.
175 00:11:40,160 00:11:43,152 That's about it for today, Mrs Meldrew. See you same time tomorrow. That's about it for today, Mrs Meldrew. See you same time tomorrow.
176 00:11:43,240 00:11:44,992 Yes, right! Yes, right!
177 00:11:45,840 00:11:49,231 (MCKENDRICK SINGING) (MCKENDRICK SINGING)
178 00:11:59,360 00:12:00,395 (THUDDING) (THUDDING)
179 00:12:00,480 00:12:02,630 (MCKENDRICK SCREAMING) (MCKENDRICK SCREAMING)
180 00:12:09,720 00:12:12,633 (GROANING) (GROANING)
181 00:12:12,960 00:12:15,873 I just caught one of those bloody timbers on my head. I just caught one of those bloody timbers on my head.
182 00:12:15,960 00:12:17,519 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
183 00:12:18,640 00:12:22,679 Must have been a nail sticking out or something. Oh, shit! Must have been a nail sticking out or something. Oh, shit!
184 00:12:22,920 00:12:26,311 Can't you do any better than that? It doesn't even look like real blood. Can't you do any better than that? It doesn't even look like real blood.
185 00:12:26,400 00:12:29,358 Mrs Meldrew, I'm not joking this time. Mrs Meldrew, I'm not joking this time.
186 00:12:29,440 00:12:32,239 I think I'll need an ambulance. Seriously. I think I'll need an ambulance. Seriously.
187 00:12:32,320 00:12:34,118 Utterly pathetic. Utterly pathetic.
188 00:12:35,360 00:12:37,237 (GROANING) (GROANING)
189 00:12:37,400 00:12:39,835 Oh, God! Here, sit down. Oh, God! Here, sit down.
190 00:12:39,920 00:12:43,151 -I'll go and see if we've got some bandages. -Thank you. -I'll go and see if we've got some bandages. -Thank you.
191 00:12:43,240 00:12:45,516 But you needn't bother, I'll use one of these. But you needn't bother, I'll use one of these.
192 00:12:48,040 00:12:52,113 Oh, come on, come on. That was a good 'un. Oh, come on, come on. That was a good 'un.
193 00:12:52,200 00:12:56,876 You've got to admit. Here, this is the same stuff they use on Casualty. You've got to admit. Here, this is the same stuff they use on Casualty.
194 00:12:57,160 00:13:00,232 There's a place in London, you can write off for it. There's a place in London, you can write off for it.
195 00:13:00,320 00:13:04,757 I don't think that's even remotely funny, Mr McKendrick. I don't think that's even remotely funny, Mr McKendrick.
196 00:13:04,840 00:13:06,399 I think it's sick. I think it's sick.
197 00:13:07,560 00:13:10,359 Twice in a row I've had her now. She went white as a sheet. Twice in a row I've had her now. She went white as a sheet.
198 00:13:10,440 00:13:12,875 (BOTH LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING)
199 00:13:26,920 00:13:31,039 Turning into bloody Harry Worth now. What's wrong with you? Turning into bloody Harry Worth now. What's wrong with you?
200 00:13:35,280 00:13:37,510 What's that? I didn't know you'd been to the bank today. What's that? I didn't know you'd been to the bank today.
201 00:13:37,600 00:13:39,637 I haven't been to the bank. I haven't been to the bank.
202 00:13:39,720 00:13:42,838 £80. I've been to the grocer on the corner £80. I've been to the grocer on the corner
203 00:13:42,920 00:13:46,390 and I found this on the floor by the crisp boxes. and I found this on the floor by the crisp boxes.
204 00:13:46,480 00:13:50,758 -Why didn't you hand it in? -What, to dodgy Douglas? -Why didn't you hand it in? -What, to dodgy Douglas?
205 00:13:50,840 00:13:54,515 Who takes three Smarties out of every tube so that he can make one extra one? Who takes three Smarties out of every tube so that he can make one extra one?
206 00:13:54,920 00:13:56,752 Pocket it for himself, wouldn't he? Pocket it for himself, wouldn't he?
207 00:13:56,840 00:13:59,309 -Well, you're going to go the police with it, then? -Oh. -Well, you're going to go the police with it, then? -Oh.
208 00:13:59,400 00:14:03,439 Why, nobody's going to go in and ask if someone's handed in... Why, nobody's going to go in and ask if someone's handed in...
209 00:14:04,560 00:14:07,279 four £20 notes. four £20 notes.
210 00:14:08,760 00:14:11,991 -Well, you can't just keep it. -why not? -Well, you can't just keep it. -why not?
211 00:14:12,080 00:14:15,710 Well, it might belong to a little old lady, an old-age pensioner or something. Well, it might belong to a little old lady, an old-age pensioner or something.
212 00:14:15,800 00:14:19,953 There's a receipt folded up inside for a meal at the Peking Palace. There's a receipt folded up inside for a meal at the Peking Palace.
213 00:14:20,040 00:14:24,193 Oh, anybody who could afford to eat there isn't gonna miss £80. Oh, anybody who could afford to eat there isn't gonna miss £80.
214 00:14:24,280 00:14:25,839 And I'm hanging on to it. And I'm hanging on to it.
215 00:14:25,920 00:14:29,993 And if you don't like it, you can lump it. The pair of you! And if you don't like it, you can lump it. The pair of you!
216 00:14:30,200 00:14:31,918 I just think... I just think...
217 00:14:33,000 00:14:34,911 The pair of us? The pair of us?
218 00:14:36,640 00:14:40,520 In you come. That's the ticket. In you come. That's the ticket.
219 00:14:43,440 00:14:45,033 Yes. Yes.
220 00:14:45,400 00:14:50,190 Now, up you go. Come on. Up. Now, up you go. Come on. Up.
221 00:14:50,560 00:14:51,755 There we are. There we are.
222 00:14:51,840 00:14:52,830 (PHONE RINGING) (PHONE RINGING)
223 00:14:52,920 00:14:56,470 You're getting the hang of it now, aren't you? Yes. You're getting the hang of it now, aren't you? Yes.
224 00:15:01,160 00:15:02,639 4291. 4291.
225 00:15:03,560 00:15:06,393 Oh, yes, hang on a sec. Oh, yes, hang on a sec.
226 00:15:11,920 00:15:14,833 Yes. How do you spell that? Yes. How do you spell that?
227 00:15:17,280 00:15:19,954 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
228 00:15:20,120 00:15:24,193 Yes, thank you very much indeed. That's a big help. Thanks. Bye. Yes, thank you very much indeed. That's a big help. Thanks. Bye.
229 00:15:29,240 00:15:32,995 Would you prefer it if I slept in the spare room tonight? Would you prefer it if I slept in the spare room tonight?
230 00:15:34,800 00:15:38,634 What's got into you since you came back from work tonight? What's got into you since you came back from work tonight?
231 00:15:38,720 00:15:40,074 Nothing. Nothing.
232 00:15:41,000 00:15:44,516 I take it that was them, ringing back? The Peking Palace? I take it that was them, ringing back? The Peking Palace?
233 00:15:44,600 00:15:47,513 Yes, I told you it'd be easy enough to trace. Yes, I told you it'd be easy enough to trace.
234 00:15:47,600 00:15:50,911 They just checked the bill against Friday night's table reservations They just checked the bill against Friday night's table reservations
235 00:15:51,000 00:15:53,560 and it turns out to be a chap called Croker. and it turns out to be a chap called Croker.
236 00:15:53,640 00:15:57,474 Apparently, he lives outside the town of Cottleswood. Apparently, he lives outside the town of Cottleswood.
237 00:15:57,560 00:16:01,315 I thought I might pop it over to him tomorrow night after going to Sainsbury's. I thought I might pop it over to him tomorrow night after going to Sainsbury's.
238 00:16:01,400 00:16:03,357 Oh, did you? Fine. Oh, did you? Fine.
239 00:16:03,760 00:16:07,799 Well, it's only right, isn't it? I mean, it's... It is his money. Well, it's only right, isn't it? I mean, it's... It is his money.
240 00:16:08,040 00:16:09,394 Yes. Yes.
241 00:16:09,800 00:16:12,394 Well, I'd better get ready for bed. Well, I'd better get ready for bed.
242 00:16:12,480 00:16:16,360 If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom sandpapering my breasts. If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom sandpapering my breasts.
243 00:16:21,000 00:16:25,437 -That for the flooring? -It's not for laying out a coffin, Mr Meldrew. -That for the flooring? -It's not for laying out a coffin, Mr Meldrew.
244 00:16:25,520 00:16:28,831 We got most of it down now. Then we'll make a start on your rendering. We got most of it down now. Then we'll make a start on your rendering.
245 00:16:28,920 00:16:31,833 Only I've got to go out for a few hours, so if I'm not back... Only I've got to go out for a few hours, so if I'm not back...
246 00:16:31,920 00:16:33,593 (DOORBELL RINGING) (DOORBELL RINGING)
247 00:16:36,640 00:16:41,635 Where are they? And don't say they're not in here because their (BLEEP) van's parked outside. Where are they? And don't say they're not in here because their (BLEEP) van's parked outside.
248 00:16:41,720 00:16:43,711 - I beg your pardon. -Yes, you! - I beg your pardon. -Yes, you!
249 00:16:43,800 00:16:47,395 You bone-idle (BLEEP) layabouts! Four (BLEEP) weeks ago You bone-idle (BLEEP) layabouts! Four (BLEEP) weeks ago
250 00:16:47,480 00:16:51,951 you were supposed to come and finish off my fence and I am still (BLEEP) waiting! you were supposed to come and finish off my fence and I am still (BLEEP) waiting!
251 00:16:52,480 00:16:54,551 Where do you think you're going? Where do you think you're going?
252 00:16:54,840 00:16:56,069 ...don't think you will. ...don't think you will.
253 00:16:56,160 00:16:58,674 If you had that fence up on time, they wouldn't have come through If you had that fence up on time, they wouldn't have come through
254 00:16:58,760 00:17:01,354 with their football from next door and had his beak off. with their football from next door and had his beak off.
255 00:17:01,440 00:17:02,475 (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING)
256 00:17:02,560 00:17:04,949 Oh, you think that's (BLEEP) funny, do you? Oh, you think that's (BLEEP) funny, do you?
257 00:17:05,040 00:17:08,317 I'll show you how (BLEEP) funny it is. I'll show you how (BLEEP) funny it is.
258 00:17:08,440 00:17:11,558 (STUTTERING) Excuse me, this is my house you're fighting in... (STUTTERING) Excuse me, this is my house you're fighting in...
259 00:17:11,640 00:17:14,951 Bloody (BLEEP) worthless. I don't see why I should (BLEEP) have to put up with this. Bloody (BLEEP) worthless. I don't see why I should (BLEEP) have to put up with this.
260 00:17:15,040 00:17:19,159 Don't lose your temper. You'll only do something you'll regret. Don't lose your temper. You'll only do something you'll regret.
261 00:17:19,240 00:17:21,151 (ARGUING) (ARGUING)
262 00:17:22,120 00:17:26,478 -Don't do anything silly up there. -Don't do anything hasty, Mrs Stewkley. -Don't do anything silly up there. -Don't do anything hasty, Mrs Stewkley.
263 00:17:26,560 00:17:30,474 -Mrs Stewkley! -Excuse me, excuse me! -Mrs Stewkley! -Excuse me, excuse me!
264 00:17:31,600 00:17:36,231 MCKENDRICK: I'm sorry about your pelican. Mrs Stewkley, put that plate down! MCKENDRICK: I'm sorry about your pelican. Mrs Stewkley, put that plate down!
265 00:18:00,040 00:18:02,714 MAN: Come on through! I'm just in the shower. MAN: Come on through! I'm just in the shower.
266 00:18:24,120 00:18:27,033 MAN: Everything all right down there? PIPPA: Yes! MAN: Everything all right down there? PIPPA: Yes!
267 00:18:27,720 00:18:31,509 Masses of room in that garage now since you've had it done. Masses of room in that garage now since you've had it done.
268 00:18:31,640 00:18:33,358 Oh. Oh.
269 00:18:34,560 00:18:38,155 -How are you, darling? -Relieved, as ever, -How are you, darling? -Relieved, as ever,
270 00:18:38,240 00:18:40,072 to get away from that man. to get away from that man.
271 00:18:40,160 00:18:42,310 Are things really that bad between you and him? Are things really that bad between you and him?
272 00:18:42,400 00:18:46,758 I don't know how much longer we're going to last, the way things are going. I don't know how much longer we're going to last, the way things are going.
273 00:18:46,880 00:18:49,759 Oh, well, you're here now. And we're in for the night, Oh, well, you're here now. And we're in for the night,
274 00:18:49,840 00:18:52,878 so let's shut the rest of the world out, shall we? so let's shut the rest of the world out, shall we?
275 00:18:52,960 00:18:56,635 And get you upstairs. And get you upstairs.
276 00:18:57,000 00:18:59,879 Oh, I know what I meant to ask you. When I was round your place yesterday, Oh, I know what I meant to ask you. When I was round your place yesterday,
277 00:18:59,960 00:19:04,113 -I didn't drop any money at all, did I? -I didn't see any. -I didn't drop any money at all, did I? -I didn't see any.
278 00:19:06,880 00:19:08,757 There we are. There we are.
279 00:19:08,840 00:19:12,390 I thought we'd eat about 8:30 if that's okay with you. I thought we'd eat about 8:30 if that's okay with you.
280 00:19:12,480 00:19:15,040 Give you time to settle in, freshen up. Give you time to settle in, freshen up.
281 00:19:15,120 00:19:18,750 You'll never know, Geoffrey, what it feels like to be in a normal house You'll never know, Geoffrey, what it feels like to be in a normal house
282 00:19:18,840 00:19:22,959 where a man isn't gonna suddenly start abseiling past your window stark bollock naked. where a man isn't gonna suddenly start abseiling past your window stark bollock naked.
283 00:19:23,720 00:19:26,917 Without the stench of braised octopus drifting over your fence. Without the stench of braised octopus drifting over your fence.
284 00:19:27,000 00:19:28,991 You know, when we left this afternoon, You know, when we left this afternoon,
285 00:19:29,080 00:19:32,516 I think there was some form of geriatric acid house party going on. I think there was some form of geriatric acid house party going on.
286 00:19:32,600 00:19:35,353 People effing and blinding about pelicans. People effing and blinding about pelicans.
287 00:19:35,440 00:19:37,750 You just had to be there to believe it. You just had to be there to believe it.
288 00:19:57,400 00:19:59,277 Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
289 00:20:49,720 00:20:53,953 You can stay there all night for all I care, for I've just about had enough of it. You can stay there all night for all I care, for I've just about had enough of it.
290 00:20:54,360 00:20:56,431 What's it supposed to be this time? What's it supposed to be this time?
291 00:20:56,680 00:20:59,672 Massive concussion of some kind? Good! Massive concussion of some kind? Good!
292 00:20:59,760 00:21:02,957 I hoped it's knocked some bloody sense into your head. I hoped it's knocked some bloody sense into your head.
293 00:21:32,600 00:21:35,240 Oh, what's happened here? Oh, what's happened here?
294 00:21:41,920 00:21:45,709 Hello, I need an ambulance immediately. Hello, I need an ambulance immediately.
295 00:21:45,840 00:21:48,070 That's very kind, Mrs Meldrew, That's very kind, Mrs Meldrew,
296 00:21:48,720 00:21:51,030 but we got our van outside. but we got our van outside.
297 00:21:52,200 00:21:54,635 Three up to me, I think. Three up to me, I think.
298 00:21:54,720 00:21:56,631 You've got to do better than that, I'm afraid. You've got to do better than that, I'm afraid.
299 00:21:56,720 00:21:58,631 Get out of here! Get out of here!
300 00:21:58,720 00:22:00,631 (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING)
301 00:22:02,120 00:22:03,952 Has he been at it again? Has he been at it again?
302 00:22:04,040 00:22:07,431 Somehow, I don't think she appreciates the humour, Laurence. Somehow, I don't think she appreciates the humour, Laurence.
303 00:22:07,520 00:22:11,036 See you at 9:00, Mrs Meldrew. Oh, and be careful with that hatch. See you at 9:00, Mrs Meldrew. Oh, and be careful with that hatch.
304 00:22:11,120 00:22:15,591 We've had to counterweight the steps with a bag of plaster just until tomorrow, okay? We've had to counterweight the steps with a bag of plaster just until tomorrow, okay?
305 00:22:15,840 00:22:17,797 Yes! Goodbye! Yes! Goodbye!
306 00:22:19,480 00:22:22,518 (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING)
307 00:22:36,120 00:22:37,349 (SIGHING) (SIGHING)
308 00:22:37,440 00:22:39,113 This is the life. This is the life.
309 00:22:40,840 00:22:42,399 Fancy a beer or something? Fancy a beer or something?
310 00:22:42,480 00:22:46,155 Oh, you could bring me a small Campari. Oh, you could bring me a small Campari.
311 00:22:48,480 00:22:50,596 (WHISTLING) (WHISTLING)
312 00:22:55,920 00:22:58,753 Glasses, glasses. Glasses, glasses.
313 00:23:21,080 00:23:23,549 What are you doing here? What are you doing here?
314 00:23:35,400 00:23:37,038 You didn't bring me one, then? You didn't bring me one, then?
315 00:23:37,120 00:23:39,634 -He's in the larder. -What? -He's in the larder. -What?
316 00:23:39,720 00:23:42,917 -He's downstairs in the larder. -who is? -He's downstairs in the larder. -who is?
317 00:23:43,560 00:23:44,959 Who? Who?
318 00:23:45,440 00:23:50,037 Who else would be in your brother's larder at this time of night, sitting on a bag of potatoes? Who else would be in your brother's larder at this time of night, sitting on a bag of potatoes?
319 00:23:50,120 00:23:53,238 -Mr Meldrew. -Is this some sort of joke? -Mr Meldrew. -Is this some sort of joke?
320 00:23:54,360 00:23:57,478 Metaphysically speaking, I suppose, yes. Metaphysically speaking, I suppose, yes.
321 00:23:57,640 00:24:01,110 He had the temerity to ask me what I was doing here. He had the temerity to ask me what I was doing here.
322 00:24:03,280 00:24:07,114 The time has come, I think, to bring in some form of contract killer. The time has come, I think, to bring in some form of contract killer.
323 00:24:08,400 00:24:12,439 I wonder if they still advertise them in People's Friend? I wonder if they still advertise them in People's Friend?
324 00:24:15,120 00:24:16,679 (DOOR CLOSING) (DOOR CLOSING)
325 00:24:21,280 00:24:22,873 God Almighty! God Almighty!
326 00:24:22,960 00:24:27,158 You know what? It only belonged to her bloody brother next door. You know what? It only belonged to her bloody brother next door.
327 00:24:27,240 00:24:30,153 I thought she had gone there for a dirty weekend. I thought she had gone there for a dirty weekend.
328 00:24:30,240 00:24:33,437 I hid in the bloody cupboard. I hid in the bloody cupboard.
329 00:24:33,880 00:24:36,030 Talk about total laughingstock. Talk about total laughingstock.
330 00:24:36,120 00:24:39,875 You'll excuse me if I now get seriously and horribly drunk. You'll excuse me if I now get seriously and horribly drunk.
331 00:24:53,280 00:24:55,032 What... What...
332 00:24:59,920 00:25:01,149 What... What...
333 00:25:04,400 00:25:07,631 (STUTTERING) (STUTTERING)
334 00:25:09,360 00:25:12,478 What's the matter with you? Got a splinter in your tongue? What's the matter with you? Got a splinter in your tongue?
335 00:25:12,560 00:25:14,039 What did... What did...
336 00:25:15,000 00:25:16,638 Splinter in my tongue? Splinter in my tongue?
337 00:25:16,720 00:25:19,314 Why on earth would I have a splinter in my tongue? Why on earth would I have a splinter in my tongue?
338 00:25:19,400 00:25:21,152 I've no idea. I've no idea.
339 00:25:21,240 00:25:25,029 I don't believe you could do a thing like this. I don't believe you could do a thing like this.
340 00:25:25,120 00:25:28,272 Shame, isn't it? When someone has a mind of their own. Shame, isn't it? When someone has a mind of their own.
341 00:25:28,360 00:25:32,513 When you can't control everything they do like nice, little dumb blondes. When you can't control everything they do like nice, little dumb blondes.
342 00:25:32,600 00:25:33,954 Dumb blonde... Dumb blonde...
343 00:25:34,040 00:25:36,839 It's only a lump of wood, Margaret. That's all it is. It's only a lump of wood, Margaret. That's all it is.
344 00:25:36,920 00:25:39,434 That hasn't stopped you groping and prodding her That hasn't stopped you groping and prodding her
345 00:25:39,520 00:25:42,672 and sticking your head up her skirt for the last 24 hours. and sticking your head up her skirt for the last 24 hours.
346 00:25:45,480 00:25:48,120 Have you gone stark raving mad? Have you gone stark raving mad?
347 00:25:48,200 00:25:51,795 Yes, probably. I wouldn't be surprised. Yes, probably. I wouldn't be surprised.
348 00:25:51,920 00:25:54,912 I mean, that's what happens when you get to my age I mean, that's what happens when you get to my age
349 00:25:55,000 00:25:57,276 and you're not fit for anything anymore. and you're not fit for anything anymore.
350 00:25:57,360 00:26:00,193 Yes, I would think that would just about explain it, wouldn't it? Yes, I would think that would just about explain it, wouldn't it?
351 00:26:00,280 00:26:03,318 -Explain what? -Why I've lost my job! -Explain what? -Why I've lost my job!
352 00:26:17,120 00:26:19,350 When did this happen? When did this happen?
353 00:26:19,840 00:26:21,478 Yesterday. Yesterday.
354 00:26:22,080 00:26:26,039 Mr Farmer came in, said they were closing the shop. Mr Farmer came in, said they were closing the shop.
355 00:26:27,360 00:26:30,716 Business wasn't there anymore and that was it. Business wasn't there anymore and that was it.
356 00:26:31,960 00:26:36,557 He said as from 5:00 yesterday afternoon we needn't bother coming in anymore. He said as from 5:00 yesterday afternoon we needn't bother coming in anymore.
357 00:26:37,800 00:26:42,237 All the flowers that were left over, they were just going to send up the hospital. All the flowers that were left over, they were just going to send up the hospital.
358 00:26:42,800 00:26:47,033 That's why you wanted to keep the money. why didn't you say? That's why you wanted to keep the money. why didn't you say?
359 00:26:48,280 00:26:50,715 I couldn't. I didn't... I couldn't. I didn't...
360 00:26:52,200 00:26:54,316 (SIGHING) (SIGHING)
361 00:26:54,920 00:26:58,914 The thought of what's gonna happen to me now. The thought of what's gonna happen to me now.
362 00:26:59,080 00:27:01,310 What I'm gonna turn into. What I'm gonna turn into.
363 00:27:02,160 00:27:05,039 What are you going to turn into? What are you going to turn into?
364 00:27:05,760 00:27:07,194 You. You.
365 00:27:12,760 00:27:17,675 Struggling to fill up my days with mad cookery recipes and playing with dolls. Struggling to fill up my days with mad cookery recipes and playing with dolls.
366 00:27:19,600 00:27:21,398 I was frightened. I was frightened.
367 00:27:22,000 00:27:23,320 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
368 00:27:23,480 00:27:25,756 No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry.
369 00:27:28,920 00:27:31,753 Oh, what happened to your idea about getting drunk? Oh, what happened to your idea about getting drunk?
370 00:27:31,840 00:27:35,913 -Yes, right. -I'll go and pour us two large ones. -Yes, right. -I'll go and pour us two large ones.
371 00:27:36,280 00:27:40,592 If you don't mind, I'll just pop upstairs and see how they've done today. If you don't mind, I'll just pop upstairs and see how they've done today.
372 00:27:42,800 00:27:44,837 Oh, Victor! Oh, Victor!
373 00:27:45,680 00:27:48,274 If you're opening up that hatch, he says be careful If you're opening up that hatch, he says be careful
374 00:27:48,360 00:27:51,830 because they've just put a bag of plaster inside the trapdoor to... because they've just put a bag of plaster inside the trapdoor to...
375 00:27:57,640 00:28:00,951 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
376 00:28:01,040 00:28:04,556 # That I am just too long in the tooth # That I am just too long in the tooth
377 00:28:04,640 00:28:07,917 # I've started to deteriorate # I've started to deteriorate
378 00:28:08,000 00:28:11,595 # And now I've passed my own sell-by date # And now I've passed my own sell-by date
379 00:28:11,680 00:28:14,991 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
380 00:28:15,080 00:28:18,471 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew # I have to pop my teeth in to chew
381 00:28:18,680 00:28:22,071 # And my old knees have started to knock # And my old knees have started to knock
382 00:28:22,160 00:28:25,357 # I've just got too many miles on the clock # I've just got too many miles on the clock
383 00:28:25,440 00:28:29,513 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
384 00:28:29,600 00:28:32,831 # It's true that my body has seen better days # It's true that my body has seen better days
385 00:28:32,920 00:28:36,675 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
386 00:28:36,960 00:28:39,873 # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave
387 00:28:40,080 00:28:43,152 # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave
388 00:28:43,720 00:28:46,599 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #