# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:02,478 00:00:05,390 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
2 00:00:05,918 00:00:08,955 # That I am just too long in the tooth # That I am just too long in the tooth
3 00:00:09,198 00:00:12,235 # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4 00:00:12,798 00:00:15,790 # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5 00:00:16,278 00:00:20,237 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6 00:00:20,438 00:00:23,828 # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Fading away but I've not yet expired
7 00:00:23,918 00:00:27,194 # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8 00:00:27,398 00:00:30,310 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #
9 00:00:33,278 00:00:35,746 VICTOR: The absolute limit, that was VICTOR: The absolute limit, that was
10 00:00:35,838 00:00:38,033 You wouldn't believe that anyone could pick their nose You wouldn't believe that anyone could pick their nose
11 00:00:38,118 00:00:41,110 all the way through Dances With Wolves, would you? all the way through Dances With Wolves, would you?
12 00:00:41,198 00:00:44,156 Three and a half hours I had to sit next to that Three and a half hours I had to sit next to that
13 00:00:44,238 00:00:47,594 It was always the right nostril, he never touched the left one It was always the right nostril, he never touched the left one
14 00:00:47,678 00:00:49,669 Always the one on my side Always the one on my side
15 00:00:49,758 00:00:52,397 You'd think he was digging the Channel Tunnel You'd think he was digging the Channel Tunnel
16 00:00:52,478 00:00:54,275 (KEYS CLINKING) (KEYS CLINKING)
17 00:00:54,358 00:00:57,031 Come on, what's the matter? I'm ruddy freezing out here Come on, what's the matter? I'm ruddy freezing out here
18 00:00:57,118 00:01:01,987 MARGARET: It won't turn It's jammed again, bloody thing! MARGARET: It won't turn It's jammed again, bloody thing!
19 00:01:02,158 00:01:04,353 You're joking, surely Here, give it here You're joking, surely Here, give it here
20 00:01:04,438 00:01:08,317 I managed it this morning by jiggling it slightly to the I managed it this morning by jiggling it slightly to the
21 00:01:10,038 00:01:11,187 Bugger Bugger
22 00:01:11,718 00:01:13,709 Turn, for God's sake Turn, for God's sake
23 00:01:13,878 00:01:17,348 MARGARET: £260 we paid for this! MARGARET: £260 we paid for this!
24 00:01:17,438 00:01:21,556 For a complete set of new locks so secure even we can't get in For a complete set of new locks so secure even we can't get in
25 00:01:22,638 00:01:25,198 Good old Yellow Pages Good old Yellow Pages
26 00:01:31,478 00:01:33,150 God Almighty God Almighty
27 00:01:33,238 00:01:38,517 If I get through this alive, I'm never going to get anyone in to do anything ever again If I get through this alive, I'm never going to get anyone in to do anything ever again
28 00:01:38,918 00:01:39,907 (GASPS) (GASPS)
29 00:01:39,998 00:01:43,877 Oh, I've got ruddy cramp now all down my left side Oh, I've got ruddy cramp now all down my left side
30 00:01:43,958 00:01:45,277 (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING)
31 00:01:45,518 00:01:47,031 (PHONE RINGING) (PHONE RINGING)
32 00:01:53,878 00:01:54,993 What? What?
33 00:01:57,918 00:01:59,715 Yes, I know there is Yes, I know there is
34 00:02:00,038 00:02:01,915 Yes, I know Yes, I know
35 00:02:02,238 00:02:03,466 It's me It's me
36 00:02:03,878 00:02:07,393 Yes, I'm on a ladder, going through my own bedroom window Yes, I'm on a ladder, going through my own bedroom window
37 00:02:08,918 00:02:10,874 Why the hell do you think I'm doing it? Why the hell do you think I'm doing it?
38 00:02:10,958 00:02:13,597 All because the lady loves Milk Tray? All because the lady loves Milk Tray?
39 00:02:13,678 00:02:15,953 Pull your blinds and go back to bed Pull your blinds and go back to bed
40 00:02:17,318 00:02:19,513 The mentality of some people The mentality of some people
41 00:02:20,918 00:02:22,237 Are you all right? Are you all right?
42 00:02:22,318 00:02:24,912 Hang on while I put some pillows down Hang on while I put some pillows down
43 00:02:25,158 00:02:27,547 Yes, if you would It'll be a big help Yes, if you would It'll be a big help
44 00:02:28,158 00:02:29,750 Just Just
45 00:02:31,798 00:02:33,834 How the hell did you get back in? How the hell did you get back in?
46 00:02:33,918 00:02:38,196 Oh, yes, well, I managed to jiggle it about somehow or other in the end Oh, yes, well, I managed to jiggle it about somehow or other in the end
47 00:02:38,398 00:02:40,389 Funny, isn't it? It suddenly turned Funny, isn't it? It suddenly turned
48 00:02:40,478 00:02:41,513 Funny? Funny?
49 00:02:41,598 00:02:46,547 Yes, sometimes I wonder just how much priceless hilarity I can take in one evening Yes, sometimes I wonder just how much priceless hilarity I can take in one evening
50 00:02:48,000 00:02:54,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
51 00:02:58,558 00:03:02,710 Why is it that no matter how long you stand there shaking it, Why is it that no matter how long you stand there shaking it,
52 00:03:04,158 00:03:07,594 there's always one last drip that you have to dab off there's always one last drip that you have to dab off
53 00:03:08,358 00:03:10,553 with a sheet of toilet paper? with a sheet of toilet paper?
54 00:03:11,398 00:03:15,186 It's one of those strange facts of life you can never work out It's one of those strange facts of life you can never work out
55 00:03:16,558 00:03:20,710 Did you say you would pick up the makings of that casserole for me this morning? Did you say you would pick up the makings of that casserole for me this morning?
56 00:03:20,798 00:03:22,993 Oh, I suppose if I have to Oh, I suppose if I have to
57 00:03:23,078 00:03:27,310 Run the gauntlet again with that woman at the greengrocers who seems to fancy me Run the gauntlet again with that woman at the greengrocers who seems to fancy me
58 00:03:27,398 00:03:31,471 The one that keeps wrapping up my vegetables in a suggestive manner The one that keeps wrapping up my vegetables in a suggestive manner
59 00:03:31,558 00:03:33,071 Wrapping up your what? Wrapping up your what?
60 00:03:33,158 00:03:36,594 It's got so I'm afraid to go in there and ask for a parsnip It's got so I'm afraid to go in there and ask for a parsnip
61 00:03:36,678 00:03:41,115 Got back last week and found lipstick marks on the end of a spring onion Got back last week and found lipstick marks on the end of a spring onion
62 00:03:41,558 00:03:44,630 -What's that all about? -What are you talking -What's that all about? -What are you talking
63 00:03:45,078 00:03:47,273 Are you talking about Millicent in the greengrocers? Are you talking about Millicent in the greengrocers?
64 00:03:47,358 00:03:50,475 Millicent Miles fancies you? Millicent Miles fancies you?
65 00:03:50,558 00:03:52,833 Oh, God, she must be desperate! Oh, God, she must be desperate!
66 00:03:53,278 00:03:55,269 I'm not imagining it I'm not imagining it
67 00:03:55,358 00:03:59,670 I can feel her mentally skinning my beetroot every time she looks at me I can feel her mentally skinning my beetroot every time she looks at me
68 00:03:59,958 00:04:02,631 I mean, you would think that a woman of her age might I mean, you would think that a woman of her age might
69 00:04:02,718 00:04:04,310 (GASPING) (GASPING)
70 00:04:08,998 00:04:10,272 (GROANING) (GROANING)
71 00:04:10,598 00:04:12,156 What have you done now? What have you done now?
72 00:04:12,238 00:04:16,629 I've just put Olbas Oil on that You know it stings to high heaven I've just put Olbas Oil on that You know it stings to high heaven
73 00:04:16,718 00:04:19,073 Stings? It's nearly taken my eye out Stings? It's nearly taken my eye out
74 00:04:19,158 00:04:21,194 (DOORBELL RINGING) (DOORBELL RINGING)
75 00:04:25,838 00:04:30,434 Take your life in your hands every time you blow your nose in this house Take your life in your hands every time you blow your nose in this house
76 00:04:34,038 00:04:36,313 Oh, shit Oh, shit
77 00:04:41,798 00:04:43,231 -Morning -Morning -Morning -Morning
78 00:04:43,318 00:04:45,513 Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you
79 00:04:46,118 00:04:47,153 Ah! Ah!
80 00:04:47,238 00:04:49,877 My tickets for Wembley, Thursday night My tickets for Wembley, Thursday night
81 00:04:50,878 00:04:52,516 Now, what's this? Now, what's this?
82 00:04:55,838 00:05:00,116 Surely not that new pair of gloves I sent away for Surely not that new pair of gloves I sent away for
83 00:05:01,758 00:05:06,309 Oh, in the name of sanity, what's this? Oh, in the name of sanity, what's this?
84 00:05:06,998 00:05:10,547 Can't anyone get anything right anymore? Can't anyone get anything right anymore?
85 00:05:12,438 00:05:13,666 (SIGHING) (SIGHING)
86 00:05:29,918 00:05:31,636 (DOORKNOB RATTLING) (DOORKNOB RATTLING)
87 00:06:13,638 00:06:14,832 (SPLUTTERING) (SPLUTTERING)
88 00:06:14,918 00:06:17,386 I do not believe it! I do not believe it!
89 00:06:17,478 00:06:19,275 What's happened now? What's happened now?
90 00:06:19,718 00:06:22,107 Someone's just stolen our fridge Someone's just stolen our fridge
91 00:06:22,958 00:06:24,710 Just Just then Just Just then
92 00:06:24,918 00:06:27,990 When I went upstairs, as bold as brass, they must just have come When I went upstairs, as bold as brass, they must just have come
93 00:06:28,078 00:06:29,511 (SPLUTTERING) (SPLUTTERING)
94 00:06:34,438 00:06:35,427 Stolen? The fridge? Stolen? The fridge?
95 00:06:35,518 00:06:37,031 (PHONE RINGING) (PHONE RINGING)
96 00:06:40,878 00:06:41,993
98 97 00:06:43,398 --> 00:06:44,672 Speaking 00:06:43,398 --> 00:06:44,672 Speaking
97 00:06:45,038 00:06:46,107 Yes Yes
98 00:06:48,598 00:06:49,997 Oh, my God Oh, my God
99 00:06:51,678 00:06:53,191 Well Well
100 00:06:53,278 00:06:56,873 Do they know what ward she's in or anything? Do they know what ward she's in or anything?
101 00:06:57,678 00:06:59,908 Ah, right Bye Ah, right Bye
102 00:06:59,998 00:07:03,627 Just saw the top of it disappearing down the road in a truck Just saw the top of it disappearing down the road in a truck
103 00:07:03,718 00:07:08,473 I mean, can you believe that? Can you actually believe that? I mean, can you believe that? Can you actually believe that?
104 00:07:09,038 00:07:10,869 Jean's had an accident Jean's had an accident
105 00:07:10,958 00:07:13,518 What? When? What, a bad one? What? When? What, a bad one?
106 00:07:13,598 00:07:16,670 Last night On her way back from her sister's in Blackpool Last night On her way back from her sister's in Blackpool
107 00:07:16,758 00:07:19,113 The car went off the road into a ditch The car went off the road into a ditch
108 00:07:19,198 00:07:22,315 They've taken her up the General so They've taken her up the General so
109 00:07:22,758 00:07:25,477 I'll meet you up there in my lunch hour, all right? I'll meet you up there in my lunch hour, all right?
110 00:07:29,278 00:07:30,597 Oh, hello Oh, hello
111 00:07:30,798 00:07:33,710 Don't worry She's not as bad as she looks Most of it's superficial Don't worry She's not as bad as she looks Most of it's superficial
112 00:07:33,798 00:07:36,232 The main thing is this nasty crack all the way round her jaw The main thing is this nasty crack all the way round her jaw
113 00:07:36,318 00:07:38,912 So, I'm afraid she won't really be able to speak to you at all So, I'm afraid she won't really be able to speak to you at all
114 00:07:38,998 00:07:41,307 Oh, really? Oh, dear Oh, really? Oh, dear
115 00:07:41,398 00:07:46,552 Oh, and her spirits are very low I think she could definitely do with some cheering up Oh, and her spirits are very low I think she could definitely do with some cheering up
116 00:07:48,918 00:07:49,907 Uh Uh
117 00:07:50,078 00:07:53,593 I don't suppose you know if you'll be out by Christmas or not? I don't suppose you know if you'll be out by Christmas or not?
118 00:07:53,678 00:07:55,236 (MUMBLING) (MUMBLING)
119 00:07:55,518 00:07:56,837 Sorry? Sorry?
120 00:07:58,358 00:08:00,553 Hang on, I've got a pen here Hang on, I've got a pen here
121 00:08:05,918 00:08:07,271 What's this? What's this?
122 00:08:07,598 00:08:09,236 ''Commode'' What ''Commode'' What
123 00:08:09,318 00:08:11,115 You mean, you want to You mean, you want to
124 00:08:11,198 00:08:12,313 (MUMBLING) (MUMBLING)
125 00:08:12,398 00:08:15,390 Oh, well, just hang on a second, then Oh, well, just hang on a second, then
126 00:08:19,718 00:08:21,310 Oh, excuse me Oh, excuse me
127 00:08:23,278 00:08:24,870 JEAN: Margaret! JEAN: Margaret!
128 00:08:31,598 00:08:33,077 Thanks for coming Thanks for coming
129 00:08:34,398 00:08:36,389 They said you were in a private room They said you were in a private room
130 00:08:36,598 00:08:40,068 I was at first It's like musical chairs in this place I was at first It's like musical chairs in this place
131 00:08:40,438 00:08:43,271 All right, you just put your arm around me All right, you just put your arm around me
132 00:08:43,878 00:08:45,197 That's it That's it
133 00:08:46,598 00:08:47,917 That's it That's it
134 00:08:52,198 00:08:53,916 Easier, please Easier, please
135 00:08:57,078 00:08:59,433 Oh, read that Read all these Oh, read that Read all these
136 00:08:59,678 00:09:02,112 Oh, I tell you what I did do up there Oh, I tell you what I did do up there
137 00:09:02,198 00:09:07,318 Guess what? On my very first day, I won first prize in a competition Guess what? On my very first day, I won first prize in a competition
138 00:09:08,198 00:09:11,986 In Louis Tussaud's You know, the big waxwork museum on the front In Louis Tussaud's You know, the big waxwork museum on the front
139 00:09:12,078 00:09:15,593 -In Blackpool? -Guess who bought the winning lottery ticket -In Blackpool? -Guess who bought the winning lottery ticket
140 00:09:15,838 00:09:17,476 So what did you win? So what did you win?
141 00:09:17,558 00:09:21,756 Well, I had a choice of £500 in cash Well, I had a choice of £500 in cash
142 00:09:21,838 00:09:23,715 £500! £500!
143 00:09:23,798 00:09:25,993 or, now don't laugh, or, now don't laugh,
144 00:09:26,958 00:09:30,348 a chance to have a waxwork made of myself, a chance to have a waxwork made of myself,
145 00:09:30,438 00:09:35,034 all properly modelled with casts and everything, by one of their experts all properly modelled with casts and everything, by one of their experts
146 00:09:35,438 00:09:36,996 Right Right
147 00:09:39,958 00:09:41,710 Which did you choose? Which did you choose?
148 00:09:42,518 00:09:44,952 And then, now can you believe this? And then, now can you believe this?
149 00:09:45,478 00:09:49,790 Some bastard forces open the back door and waltzes away with our fridge Some bastard forces open the back door and waltzes away with our fridge
150 00:09:51,638 00:09:54,596 Well, I suppose I better be moving Well, I suppose I better be moving
151 00:09:54,798 00:09:57,631 I don't know what's happened to Margaret today, I'm sure I don't know what's happened to Margaret today, I'm sure
152 00:09:57,718 00:09:58,787 Oh! Oh!
153 00:09:58,878 00:10:01,836 Your favourite TV programme will just be starting, won't it? Your favourite TV programme will just be starting, won't it?
154 00:10:01,918 00:10:04,386 Let me just switch that on for you Let me just switch that on for you
155 00:10:04,678 00:10:06,748 (NEIGHBOURS THEME TUNE ON TV) (NEIGHBOURS THEME TUNE ON TV)
156 00:10:08,678 00:10:10,828 Well, I'll see you again, I expect Well, I'll see you again, I expect
157 00:10:10,918 00:10:14,115 All right And I hope you're feeling better soon All right And I hope you're feeling better soon
158 00:10:14,478 00:10:17,754 Goodbye, Mrs Warboys Goodbye Goodbye, Mrs Warboys Goodbye
159 00:10:18,318 00:10:19,637 (GROANING) (GROANING)
160 00:10:27,358 00:10:28,837 VICTOR: Oh, wonderful VICTOR: Oh, wonderful
161 00:10:28,918 00:10:32,149 That's all we need, isn't it? A wax dummy of Mrs Warboys cluttering up the house That's all we need, isn't it? A wax dummy of Mrs Warboys cluttering up the house
162 00:10:32,238 00:10:34,308 What on earth possessed her, for goodness sake? What on earth possessed her, for goodness sake?
163 00:10:34,398 00:10:36,468 It's being sent down on Thursday It's being sent down on Thursday
164 00:10:36,558 00:10:41,109 And she won't be there to take delivery of it Oh, what else was I supposed to say? And she won't be there to take delivery of it Oh, what else was I supposed to say?
165 00:10:41,198 00:10:44,076 We could always stick it upstairs in the spare room or somewhere We could always stick it upstairs in the spare room or somewhere
166 00:10:44,158 00:10:46,194 Yes, well, let's just keep it away from the radiator Yes, well, let's just keep it away from the radiator
167 00:10:46,278 00:10:48,951 or she might start dripping through the floorboards or she might start dripping through the floorboards
168 00:10:51,478 00:10:53,628 Oh, yes Do you really? Oh, yes Do you really?
169 00:10:53,878 00:10:56,790 I seem to remember you swore on your grandmother's grave I seem to remember you swore on your grandmother's grave
170 00:10:56,878 00:10:58,789 to come round yesterday to come round yesterday
171 00:10:58,918 00:11:01,432 Pity she's not buried in quicksand Pity she's not buried in quicksand
172 00:11:02,878 00:11:03,993 What? What?
173 00:11:04,158 00:11:07,275 Because we can't open the front or the back now Because we can't open the front or the back now
174 00:11:07,358 00:11:10,191 It took us half an hour to get this locked again properly yesterday It took us half an hour to get this locked again properly yesterday
175 00:11:10,278 00:11:12,917 And now the key has broken off And now the key has broken off
176 00:11:12,998 00:11:15,831 Are you listening to a cricket match there? Are you listening to a cricket match there?
177 00:11:15,918 00:11:17,271 (DOORBELL RINGING) (DOORBELL RINGING)
178 00:11:17,358 00:11:19,918 Oh, can you hold on a minute, please? Oh, can you hold on a minute, please?
179 00:11:20,878 00:11:22,231 Just a sec Just a sec
180 00:11:27,918 00:11:28,907 Oh Oh
181 00:11:29,358 00:11:32,270 Don't worry, I haven't come for your fridge Don't worry, I haven't come for your fridge
182 00:11:32,358 00:11:34,474 Hello Good morning How are you? Hello Good morning How are you?
183 00:11:34,558 00:11:37,948 I'm afraid we're still trying to get those locks sorted out, actually I'm afraid we're still trying to get those locks sorted out, actually
184 00:11:38,038 00:11:39,915 Bad as the one on the back of my van, then Bad as the one on the back of my van, then
185 00:11:39,998 00:11:43,070 Someone had that off last week It's the age we live in Someone had that off last week It's the age we live in
186 00:11:43,158 00:11:45,433 Anyway, me darling, I've got your maris pipers out here Anyway, me darling, I've got your maris pipers out here
187 00:11:45,518 00:11:47,349 -I won't be a tick -Oh, right, right -I won't be a tick -Oh, right, right
188 00:11:48,438 00:11:50,554 Uh, are you still there? Hello? Uh, are you still there? Hello?
189 00:11:50,638 00:11:51,991 Yes Right Yes Right
190 00:11:52,238 00:11:54,069 And you've got my address there? And you've got my address there?
191 00:11:54,158 00:11:57,195 Yes, it's Victor Meldrew, care of Alcatraz Yes, it's Victor Meldrew, care of Alcatraz
192 00:11:59,478 00:12:01,150 No, no, no What are you doing? Hold on No, no, no What are you doing? Hold on
193 00:12:01,238 00:12:03,229 It's all right, Victor, I'm a big girl It's all right, Victor, I'm a big girl
194 00:12:03,318 00:12:05,878 -I've got it -I think I can manage Oh! -I've got it -I think I can manage Oh!
195 00:12:05,958 00:12:07,835 Oh, I'm sorry Oh, I'm sorry
196 00:12:07,918 00:12:11,672 If it's not one thing, it's another with me just lately If it's not one thing, it's another with me just lately
197 00:12:11,758 00:12:13,157 Don't worry Don't worry
198 00:12:13,718 00:12:16,232 What with yesterday in the pub What with yesterday in the pub
199 00:12:16,318 00:12:18,593 A young girl went for my purse A young girl went for my purse
200 00:12:18,678 00:12:21,750 Just stuck her hand under the table and grabbed hold of it Just stuck her hand under the table and grabbed hold of it
201 00:12:21,838 00:12:23,715 Poor old Piers, is he okay? Poor old Piers, is he okay?
202 00:12:28,518 00:12:29,871 Your husband? Your husband?
203 00:12:30,158 00:12:32,353 I lost my husband five years ago I lost my husband five years ago
204 00:12:33,638 00:12:36,311 Oh, uh Sorry Oh, uh Sorry
205 00:12:36,678 00:12:39,317 We weren't that close towards the end We weren't that close towards the end
206 00:12:39,478 00:12:41,946 I think you get a feeling, don't you? I think you get a feeling, don't you?
207 00:12:42,038 00:12:44,836 When something's there and when it isn't When something's there and when it isn't
208 00:12:53,518 00:12:55,236 Morning, Millicent Morning, Millicent
209 00:12:55,358 00:12:57,952 You know the back door of your van's wide open? You know the back door of your van's wide open?
210 00:12:58,038 00:13:01,951 Mrs Aylesbury's boys are out there practising dropkicks with an aubergine Mrs Aylesbury's boys are out there practising dropkicks with an aubergine
211 00:13:02,038 00:13:03,266 Oh, they're not Oh, they're not
212 00:13:03,358 00:13:06,111 -Well, I'll love you and leave you then, Victor -Yes -Well, I'll love you and leave you then, Victor -Yes
213 00:13:06,198 00:13:08,553 You can settle up with me next week You can settle up with me next week
214 00:13:11,558 00:13:12,957 What happened to this? What happened to this?
215 00:13:13,038 00:13:16,747 The thread in the middle section's broken I think we'll have to get a new one The thread in the middle section's broken I think we'll have to get a new one
216 00:13:16,838 00:13:18,112 Oh, right Oh, right
217 00:13:18,198 00:13:20,587 Well, perhaps we can have a look the next time we're Well, perhaps we can have a look the next time we're
218 00:13:20,678 00:13:24,387 Oh, my God When did this arrive? Oh, my God When did this arrive?
219 00:13:24,478 00:13:27,675 Oh, yes, just after you went round the corner, 1 0:30 Oh, yes, just after you went round the corner, 1 0:30
220 00:13:28,678 00:13:31,397 Haven't you opened it yet to have a look? Haven't you opened it yet to have a look?
221 00:13:31,478 00:13:33,946 I'm afraid I have Yes I'm afraid I have Yes
222 00:13:34,678 00:13:35,747 And? And?
223 00:13:42,678 00:13:46,717 -I'll go and see to the potatoes -Right -I'll go and see to the potatoes -Right
224 00:13:48,158 00:13:51,275 Six hours of just sitting here waiting Six hours of just sitting here waiting
225 00:13:51,558 00:13:54,675 Well, I've had enough of this bloody caper now Well, I've had enough of this bloody caper now
226 00:13:54,878 00:13:58,507 Have you been wiping up the cheese grater with this again? Have you been wiping up the cheese grater with this again?
227 00:13:58,718 00:14:01,676 5:00, it was obvious he wasn't coming Rang up the shop 5:00, it was obvious he wasn't coming Rang up the shop
228 00:14:01,758 00:14:05,433 ''Oh, I'm sorry, he's gone home now And it's his day off tomorrow'' ''Oh, I'm sorry, he's gone home now And it's his day off tomorrow''
229 00:14:05,518 00:14:08,476 I'll give him a bloody day off, ruddy locksmiths I'll give him a bloody day off, ruddy locksmiths
230 00:14:12,238 00:14:15,071 MARGARET: What time train are you catching tomorrow? MARGARET: What time train are you catching tomorrow?
231 00:14:15,158 00:14:17,626 5:55, we're all meeting at the station 5:55, we're all meeting at the station
232 00:14:17,718 00:14:19,470 Kick-off's 7:30 Kick-off's 7:30
233 00:14:19,558 00:14:24,871 Which should just be fine, give me time this afternoon to run one or two little errands Which should just be fine, give me time this afternoon to run one or two little errands
234 00:14:27,078 00:14:29,034 What sort of errands? What sort of errands?
235 00:14:44,318 00:14:46,468 -Yeah? -Good afternoon Mr Laverick? -Yeah? -Good afternoon Mr Laverick?
236 00:14:46,758 00:14:50,831 Of Laverick Locks and Bolts for all your household security needs? Of Laverick Locks and Bolts for all your household security needs?
237 00:14:50,918 00:14:53,273 -Yeah -Ah Sorry to trouble you, my name is Meldrew -Yeah -Ah Sorry to trouble you, my name is Meldrew
238 00:14:53,358 00:14:57,351 We've spoken several times on the phone about some work you did for me last Friday We've spoken several times on the phone about some work you did for me last Friday
239 00:14:58,358 00:15:02,510 Mr Meldrew! How are you? I haven't forgotten you Mr Meldrew! How are you? I haven't forgotten you
240 00:15:02,598 00:15:04,714 Only, we've had a few problems at the office this week Only, we've had a few problems at the office this week
241 00:15:04,798 00:15:07,187 I can only apologise most sincerely I can only apologise most sincerely
242 00:15:07,278 00:15:09,951 and I promise someone will be around first thing tomorrow morning, and I promise someone will be around first thing tomorrow morning,
243 00:15:10,038 00:15:11,915 on my absolute word of honour on my absolute word of honour
244 00:15:11,998 00:15:15,752 Yes, well, I'm afraid I'm not really interested in your word of honour, Mr Laverick Yes, well, I'm afraid I'm not really interested in your word of honour, Mr Laverick
245 00:15:15,838 00:15:18,398 I waited in all day for you four times now I waited in all day for you four times now
246 00:15:18,478 00:15:22,437 and, to be honest, I'm not prepared to be pissed around any longer and, to be honest, I'm not prepared to be pissed around any longer
247 00:15:22,518 00:15:24,110 Awful midges Awful midges
248 00:15:24,198 00:15:27,634 If I were you, I'd keep this door shut before they get everywhere If I were you, I'd keep this door shut before they get everywhere
249 00:15:27,718 00:15:28,946 What What
250 00:15:29,038 00:15:30,710 (LAVERICK SPLUTTERING) (LAVERICK SPLUTTERING)
251 00:15:30,798 00:15:33,073 You won't want them in your porch, either, will you? You won't want them in your porch, either, will you?
252 00:15:33,158 00:15:37,117 There we are That's all nice and secure for you, isn't it? There we are That's all nice and secure for you, isn't it?
253 00:15:37,198 00:15:39,632 You demented fool! What the hell are you playing at? You demented fool! What the hell are you playing at?
254 00:15:39,718 00:15:44,189 It's all right Your wife will probably let you back in when she gets It's all right Your wife will probably let you back in when she gets
255 00:15:44,278 00:15:47,873 Oh, no, I tell a lie Didn't someone say that you lived on your own? Oh, no, I tell a lie Didn't someone say that you lived on your own?
256 00:15:47,958 00:15:49,869 Yes, of course they did Yes, of course they did
257 00:15:51,438 00:15:55,954 In that case, you'll very probably be wanting this back In that case, you'll very probably be wanting this back
258 00:15:56,038 00:15:58,108 Give me back the bloody key! Give me back the bloody key!
259 00:15:58,198 00:16:02,589 I'm sorry? Oh, what, you mean you'd like it posted through the letterbox? I'm sorry? Oh, what, you mean you'd like it posted through the letterbox?
260 00:16:03,118 00:16:05,678 -Yes! -Yes, what? -Yes! -Yes, what?
261 00:16:07,758 00:16:08,907 Yes Yes
262 00:16:10,678 00:16:12,191 please please
263 00:16:12,718 00:16:15,471 Righty-o, then There we are Righty-o, then There we are
264 00:16:19,758 00:16:22,067 I've put a first class stamp on it, I've put a first class stamp on it,
265 00:16:23,558 00:16:25,992 so it should be with you first thing in the morning so it should be with you first thing in the morning
266 00:16:26,078 00:16:29,673 Oh, and in the meantime, be very careful of that umbrella plant Oh, and in the meantime, be very careful of that umbrella plant
267 00:16:29,758 00:16:31,555 They don't like a lot of water They don't like a lot of water
268 00:16:40,558 00:16:42,310 (BRAKES SQUEAKING) (BRAKES SQUEAKING)
269 00:16:42,398 00:16:45,595 -MILLICENT: Cheer up, it may never happen -Oh -MILLICENT: Cheer up, it may never happen -Oh
270 00:16:45,758 00:16:49,307 Can I give you a lift anywhere? You'll be waiting there till doomsday Can I give you a lift anywhere? You'll be waiting there till doomsday
271 00:16:49,398 00:16:52,595 I know I'm supposed to be catching a train at 6:00 I know I'm supposed to be catching a train at 6:00
272 00:16:56,158 00:17:00,356 Let's see if we can squeeze you in the back, then Shouldn't take more than 1 0 minutes Let's see if we can squeeze you in the back, then Shouldn't take more than 1 0 minutes
273 00:17:08,038 00:17:12,668 Sorry about all this palaver I'll get around to fixing it one of these days Sorry about all this palaver I'll get around to fixing it one of these days
274 00:17:14,918 00:17:17,193 If you can find a space between the collies If you can find a space between the collies
275 00:17:17,278 00:17:19,508 I'm sorry I'm all a bit chocker at the moment I'm sorry I'm all a bit chocker at the moment
276 00:17:19,598 00:17:23,716 Yes, well, I don't think I'll be bothered about that, so long as I get there Yes, well, I don't think I'll be bothered about that, so long as I get there
277 00:17:23,798 00:17:27,268 In? There you are You get yourself comfy, Victor In? There you are You get yourself comfy, Victor
278 00:17:27,358 00:17:29,428 I've got one quick call on the way I've got one quick call on the way
279 00:17:29,518 00:17:31,110 We'll have bags of time We'll have bags of time
280 00:18:14,478 00:18:18,391 Hello, Mad, it's only me Are you well today? Hello, Mad, it's only me Are you well today?
281 00:18:19,878 00:18:21,675 (VICTOR SHOUTING) (VICTOR SHOUTING)
282 00:18:25,558 00:18:27,310 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
283 00:18:29,758 00:18:31,157 Anyone home? Anyone home?
284 00:18:33,558 00:18:38,109 Oh, I see you've managed to get that lock off, then, from the back door at last Oh, I see you've managed to get that lock off, then, from the back door at last
285 00:18:39,638 00:18:40,912 Margaret? Margaret?
286 00:18:42,198 00:18:43,472 Margaret? Margaret?
287 00:18:45,798 00:18:47,026 (SIGHING) (SIGHING)
288 00:18:58,638 00:19:01,391 Margaret? What are you Margaret? What are you
289 00:19:05,558 00:19:07,150 Oh, Jean Oh, Jean
290 00:19:08,678 00:19:12,717 -When did you come out? -Oh, they turfed me out a couple of hours ago, -When did you come out? -Oh, they turfed me out a couple of hours ago,
291 00:19:12,798 00:19:14,789 said they needed the bed said they needed the bed
292 00:19:15,318 00:19:18,628 Naturally, I couldn't wait to get round here and Naturally, I couldn't wait to get round here and
293 00:19:19,398 00:19:21,912 Well, where is it? Well, where is it?
294 00:19:23,118 00:19:26,713 Ah Um, we put it in the spare room Ah Um, we put it in the spare room
295 00:19:35,278 00:19:40,636 What can I say, Victor? Didn't I say things keep happening just lately? What can I say, Victor? Didn't I say things keep happening just lately?
296 00:19:40,718 00:19:42,515 I'm really so sorry I'm really so sorry
297 00:19:43,118 00:19:45,757 Your big trip to Wembley and everything Your big trip to Wembley and everything
298 00:19:45,838 00:19:47,715 and it's all my fault and it's all my fault
299 00:19:48,278 00:19:50,746 Yes, well Yes, well
300 00:20:02,718 00:20:07,075 Look, it's not the same, no way it's the same, Look, it's not the same, no way it's the same,
301 00:20:07,438 00:20:10,669 but if you wanna stop off at my place and watch it on the box, but if you wanna stop off at my place and watch it on the box,
302 00:20:10,758 00:20:14,194 -you're more than welcome -It's not on the box -you're more than welcome -It's not on the box
303 00:20:14,278 00:20:17,315 On satellite it is On the sports channel On satellite it is On the sports channel
304 00:20:17,678 00:20:22,706 I mean, it's the very least I can do for you, after everything I mean, it's the very least I can do for you, after everything
305 00:20:31,078 00:20:32,636 Funny, isn't it? Funny, isn't it?
306 00:20:33,598 00:20:37,955 For the best part of a month I've been dying for this moment and now For the best part of a month I've been dying for this moment and now
307 00:20:39,438 00:20:43,556 I must have been out of my tiny mind I must have been out of my tiny mind
308 00:20:43,998 00:20:47,308 to think that anyone would want this in their house to think that anyone would want this in their house
309 00:20:48,118 00:20:50,507 Other than to scare away the rats Other than to scare away the rats
310 00:20:52,118 00:20:56,191 -It's absolutely hideous -It's a very good likeness, though -It's absolutely hideous -It's a very good likeness, though
311 00:21:02,598 00:21:06,830 Well, it's nice, the way they've caught your smile and everything Well, it's nice, the way they've caught your smile and everything
312 00:21:07,798 00:21:09,789 Yes Well Yes Well
313 00:21:11,158 00:21:14,434 -What day do the dustmen come round here? -Friday -What day do the dustmen come round here? -Friday
314 00:21:18,758 00:21:20,953 I'll give you a ring sometime, then I'll give you a ring sometime, then
315 00:21:21,398 00:21:24,549 -Wait You can't leave it -Good night, Margaret -Wait You can't leave it -Good night, Margaret
316 00:21:29,038 00:21:32,667 COMMENTATOR: (ON TV) I'm afraid we have to say that on the day, COMMENTATOR: (ON TV) I'm afraid we have to say that on the day,
317 00:21:32,758 00:21:37,149 neither side really managed to find the reserves of form or character neither side really managed to find the reserves of form or character
318 00:21:37,238 00:21:40,594 that were needed to lift this match out of the doldrums. that were needed to lift this match out of the doldrums.
319 00:21:41,638 00:21:43,117 (SIGHING) (SIGHING)
320 00:21:43,758 00:21:46,795 I don't suppose I missed very much in the end I don't suppose I missed very much in the end
321 00:21:53,598 00:21:57,910 So, you're going to leave me now, are you? All on my own? So, you're going to leave me now, are you? All on my own?
322 00:21:58,798 00:21:59,947 Sorry? Sorry?
323 00:22:01,878 00:22:03,789 Oh, yes Oh, yes
324 00:22:03,918 00:22:07,877 I thought I'd walk home and get some fresh air I thought I'd walk home and get some fresh air
325 00:22:07,958 00:22:12,907 Oh, I don't know The scrapes we get into, the pair of us Oh, I don't know The scrapes we get into, the pair of us
326 00:22:13,638 00:22:17,426 I suppose we're very much alike really, when it comes to it I suppose we're very much alike really, when it comes to it
327 00:22:21,918 00:22:24,113 Anyway, bedtime Anyway, bedtime
328 00:22:26,278 00:22:27,757 Hm? Hm?
329 00:22:27,838 00:22:31,956 If you're going to walk out on me, there's not much to stay up for If you're going to walk out on me, there's not much to stay up for
330 00:22:34,038 00:22:35,073 No No
331 00:23:06,758 00:23:08,476 (TELEPHONE RINGING) (TELEPHONE RINGING)
332 00:23:19,798 00:23:21,117
335 334 00:23:21,198 --> 00:23:24,713 Hello, Margaret? It's Millicent from the greengrocers 00:23:21,198 --> 00:23:24,713 Hello, Margaret? It's Millicent from the greengrocers
333 00:23:24,798 00:23:26,356 Victor still not home yet? Victor still not home yet?
334 00:23:26,918 00:23:31,548 Uh, no He's in London with some friends for the football I don't imagine he'll be Uh, no He's in London with some friends for the football I don't imagine he'll be
335 00:23:32,238 00:23:33,591 How did you know that? How did you know that?
336 00:23:33,678 00:23:38,069 Ah Well, I don't suppose there's any point in trying to keep it from you Ah Well, I don't suppose there's any point in trying to keep it from you
337 00:23:38,158 00:23:41,912 I'm afraid your husband didn't actually go to London tonight I'm afraid your husband didn't actually go to London tonight
338 00:23:42,238 00:23:44,672 He's been here, at my place He's been here, at my place
339 00:23:45,518 00:23:48,396 I don't think I need to paint a picture, do I? I don't think I need to paint a picture, do I?
340 00:23:48,478 00:23:52,107 Suffice to say, it was a lot more fun than football Suffice to say, it was a lot more fun than football
341 00:24:15,238 00:24:16,910 You're back early You're back early
342 00:24:18,358 00:24:19,791 Oh, yes Oh, yes
343 00:24:21,398 00:24:24,947 Margaret, I can't believe what I've done Margaret, I can't believe what I've done
344 00:24:26,038 00:24:30,714 It was one of those stupid moments of weakness that It was one of those stupid moments of weakness that
345 00:24:33,718 00:24:38,030 -Would you like to tell me about it? -Not really -Would you like to tell me about it? -Not really
346 00:24:38,118 00:24:40,313 Tell me about it! Tell me about it!
347 00:24:47,518 00:24:50,112 I locked that locksmith in his porch I locked that locksmith in his porch
348 00:24:52,278 00:24:56,066 -What? -I went round to see him, locked him in his porch, -What? -I went round to see him, locked him in his porch,
349 00:24:56,158 00:24:59,116 took the key away and posted it back to him took the key away and posted it back to him
350 00:24:59,998 00:25:02,717 I suppose I must be cracking up altogether now I suppose I must be cracking up altogether now
351 00:25:03,478 00:25:07,551 Locksmith? I'm talking about Millicent! Locksmith? I'm talking about Millicent!
352 00:25:08,478 00:25:13,950 I've just had her on the phone telling me that you've been round at her house tonight I've just had her on the phone telling me that you've been round at her house tonight
353 00:25:14,358 00:25:17,156 Oh, yeah, well, yes, I'm afraid she gave me a lift Oh, yeah, well, yes, I'm afraid she gave me a lift
354 00:25:17,238 00:25:19,706 and the van was towed away so I missed the train, and the van was towed away so I missed the train,
355 00:25:19,798 00:25:22,710 so I ended up watching the match in her house on Sky so I ended up watching the match in her house on Sky
356 00:25:22,798 00:25:26,108 Well What's she been saying to you? Well What's she been saying to you?
357 00:25:27,678 00:25:32,229 Victor, look me in the eyes and tell me Victor, look me in the eyes and tell me
358 00:25:32,318 00:25:36,869 nothing happened between you and Millicent tonight nothing happened between you and Millicent tonight
359 00:25:42,518 00:25:45,112 Nothing happened between us Nothing happened between us
360 00:25:45,838 00:25:47,954 Absolutely nothing Absolutely nothing
361 00:25:54,398 00:25:55,672 Margaret? Margaret?
362 00:26:00,438 00:26:01,837 (DOOR SLAMS) (DOOR SLAMS)
363 00:26:02,398 00:26:03,990 (DOORBELL RINGING) (DOORBELL RINGING)
364 00:26:10,358 00:26:13,714 -Hello, Millicent -Oh! So, what have you come to tell me? -Hello, Millicent -Oh! So, what have you come to tell me?
365 00:26:13,798 00:26:16,710 -I suppose he's denied the whole thing -Well, of course -I suppose he's denied the whole thing -Well, of course
366 00:26:16,798 00:26:19,437 -I mean, naturally, he's going to deny it -Naturally -I mean, naturally, he's going to deny it -Naturally
367 00:26:19,518 00:26:22,078 -Because it never happened -Never -Because it never happened -Never
368 00:26:22,158 00:26:25,309 -You're not telling me you believe him? -That's right, Millicent -You're not telling me you believe him? -That's right, Millicent
369 00:26:25,398 00:26:28,151 My God! He's got you well-trained My God! He's got you well-trained
370 00:26:28,318 00:26:32,072 No It's called trust, Millicent No It's called trust, Millicent
371 00:26:32,678 00:26:36,512 You should try looking it up in the dictionary sometime It's next to ''trollop'' You should try looking it up in the dictionary sometime It's next to ''trollop''
372 00:26:37,238 00:26:40,071 Oh, so I imagined the whole thing, did I? Oh, so I imagined the whole thing, did I?
373 00:26:40,158 00:26:43,468 That your husband came upstairs and got into bed with me tonight? That your husband came upstairs and got into bed with me tonight?
374 00:26:43,558 00:26:46,789 Imagined? No Invented Imagined? No Invented
375 00:26:47,198 00:26:50,873 Because, unfortunately, the evening didn't quite go the way you planned, did it? Because, unfortunately, the evening didn't quite go the way you planned, did it?
376 00:26:50,958 00:26:52,755 The way I planned? The way I planned?
377 00:26:54,158 00:26:57,195 The one thing I never took you for, Margaret, was gullible The one thing I never took you for, Margaret, was gullible
378 00:26:57,278 00:26:59,951 I mean, I really thought you were stronger than that I mean, I really thought you were stronger than that
379 00:27:00,038 00:27:01,357 Yes? Yes?
380 00:27:01,798 00:27:05,677 Well, we'll see, won't we, just how strong I am? Well, we'll see, won't we, just how strong I am?
381 00:27:09,398 00:27:13,186 And in future, we'll be getting our potatoes from Sainsbury's And in future, we'll be getting our potatoes from Sainsbury's
382 00:27:16,558 00:27:18,071 (URINATING) (URINATING)
383 00:27:19,558 00:27:23,153 Unbelievable the way people are sometimes Unbelievable the way people are sometimes
384 00:27:23,958 00:27:28,429 I suppose I should have known I was dicing with death there from the word go I suppose I should have known I was dicing with death there from the word go
385 00:27:28,518 00:27:30,270 How's your stomach? How's your stomach?
386 00:27:30,358 00:27:34,431 Yes Much better than it was when I was being sick in her bathroom Yes Much better than it was when I was being sick in her bathroom
387 00:27:34,518 00:27:38,477 An hour and a half in the back of that van with all those rotting onions An hour and a half in the back of that van with all those rotting onions
388 00:27:38,558 00:27:40,867 and then all those brandies and then all those brandies
389 00:27:40,958 00:27:43,233 It's a wonder I've got any stomach left It's a wonder I've got any stomach left
390 00:27:47,278 00:27:51,908 Still, I suppose it all says quite a lot about us when you think about it Still, I suppose it all says quite a lot about us when you think about it
391 00:27:52,238 00:27:56,390 I mean, there aren't many wives who'd forgive me for going round to her house in the first place, I mean, there aren't many wives who'd forgive me for going round to her house in the first place,
392 00:27:56,478 00:27:58,469 even just to watch football even just to watch football
393 00:27:58,558 00:28:00,037 Wouldn't they? Wouldn't they?
394 00:28:00,118 00:28:03,349 I mean, at least we're a bit more mature than that I mean, at least we're a bit more mature than that
395 00:28:04,518 00:28:05,507 Yes Yes
396 00:28:09,678 00:28:11,350 (VICTOR SCREAMING) (VICTOR SCREAMING)
397 00:28:17,078 00:28:20,388 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
398 00:28:20,478 00:28:23,788 # That I am just too long in the tooth # That I am just too long in the tooth
399 00:28:23,878 00:28:27,109 # I've started to deteriorate # I've started to deteriorate
400 00:28:27,198 00:28:30,713 #And now I've passed my own sell-by date #And now I've passed my own sell-by date
401 00:28:30,798 00:28:34,268 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
402 00:28:34,358 00:28:37,668 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew # I have to pop my teeth in to chew
403 00:28:37,758 00:28:41,148 #And my old knees have started to knock #And my old knees have started to knock
404 00:28:41,238 00:28:44,355 # I've just got too many miles on the clock # I've just got too many miles on the clock
405 00:28:44,518 00:28:48,557 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
406 00:28:48,638 00:28:52,074 # It's true that my body has seen better days # It's true that my body has seen better days
407 00:28:52,158 00:28:55,867 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
408 00:28:56,358 00:28:58,918 # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave
409 00:28:59,678 00:29:02,397 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #
409 00:28:59,678 00:29:02,397 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #