# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:02,367 00:00:05,518 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
2 00:00:05,727 00:00:08,878 # That I am just too long in the tooth # That I am just too long in the tooth
3 00:00:09,287 00:00:12,484 # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4 00:00:12,767 00:00:15,839 # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5 00:00:16,167 00:00:20,365 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6 00:00:20,447 00:00:23,803 # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Fading away but I've not yet expired
7 00:00:23,887 00:00:27,357 # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8 00:00:27,527 00:00:31,361 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #
9 00:00:33,087 00:00:35,317 (RAIN PATTERING) (RAIN PATTERING)
10 00:00:43,127 00:00:46,483 Well, that's that over for another year Well, that's that over for another year
11 00:00:47,287 00:00:51,724 The joyous ritual of our annual pilgrimage to see Great-Aunt Joyce The joyous ritual of our annual pilgrimage to see Great-Aunt Joyce
12 00:00:52,607 00:00:56,156 It gets more like entering a mummy's tomb every time we go there It gets more like entering a mummy's tomb every time we go there
13 00:00:56,247 00:00:59,717 Is it my imagination or has it got cold in here? Is it my imagination or has it got cold in here?
14 00:01:00,327 00:01:03,478 Still, these will be a real godsend, won't they? Still, these will be a real godsend, won't they?
15 00:01:04,127 00:01:06,925 A pair of gloves with six fingers in each hand A pair of gloves with six fingers in each hand
16 00:01:09,487 00:01:11,717 Trying to tell me I'd grow into them Trying to tell me I'd grow into them
17 00:01:13,647 00:01:17,526 What's she gonna knit for me next time? A balaclava with two heads? What's she gonna knit for me next time? A balaclava with two heads?
18 00:01:18,327 00:01:21,125 Yes Well, if you ever get to that age Yes Well, if you ever get to that age
19 00:01:22,247 00:01:25,364 Oh! For the love of my Oh! For the love of my
20 00:01:25,447 00:01:26,562 What is it? What's What is it? What's
21 00:01:26,647 00:01:29,844 Why did I open my bloody mouth! Why did I open my bloody mouth!
22 00:01:30,847 00:01:35,637 Why did I even think it would be a good idea to say it needed repapering! Why did I even think it would be a good idea to say it needed repapering!
23 00:01:35,767 00:01:37,917 I must want my head testing I must want my head testing
24 00:01:38,327 00:01:40,079 Can't understand it Can't understand it
25 00:01:40,287 00:01:43,165 Put enough paste on this to sink a battleship Put enough paste on this to sink a battleship
26 00:01:44,087 00:01:48,046 Slapping it here, there and everywhere, like Charlie Drake in the Sistine Chapel Slapping it here, there and everywhere, like Charlie Drake in the Sistine Chapel
27 00:01:49,447 00:01:51,119 What are we gonna do with this? What are we gonna do with this?
28 00:01:51,247 00:01:53,966 Save it till we need a giant Elastoplast? Save it till we need a giant Elastoplast?
29 00:01:55,407 00:01:59,400 There are some of those refuse bags in the shed You'd better bring half a dozen There are some of those refuse bags in the shed You'd better bring half a dozen
30 00:01:59,647 00:02:01,080 (LIGHT SNORING) (LIGHT SNORING)
31 00:02:03,000 00:02:09,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
32 00:02:11,327 00:02:12,476 Look at that Look at that
33 00:02:12,567 00:02:14,444 Just slept right through it Just slept right through it
34 00:02:15,847 00:02:19,840 I'm telling you, if she has to spend another night here, I may have to kill her I'm telling you, if she has to spend another night here, I may have to kill her
35 00:02:19,927 00:02:21,246 I mean it I mean it
36 00:02:21,327 00:02:24,444 Yes Well, she's had a lot of upset this last week Yes Well, she's had a lot of upset this last week
37 00:02:24,527 00:02:26,677 I mean, you wouldn't like it if your flat was flooded I mean, you wouldn't like it if your flat was flooded
38 00:02:26,767 00:02:29,201 and you had nowhere else to stay and you had nowhere else to stay
39 00:02:31,807 00:02:33,035 Jean Jean
40 00:02:34,087 00:02:35,076 Jean! Jean!
41 00:02:35,607 00:02:37,996 Oh, for a stick of dynamite Oh, for a stick of dynamite
42 00:02:38,207 00:02:39,526 Jean! Jean!
43 00:02:40,527 00:02:42,245 What's happened? What's happened?
44 00:02:42,607 00:02:44,359 Has there been an earthquake? Has there been an earthquake?
45 00:02:44,447 00:02:47,405 No It's just Victor's paper's come down No It's just Victor's paper's come down
46 00:02:47,567 00:02:49,285 Here, hang on a second Here, hang on a second
47 00:02:49,447 00:02:54,805 Oh Oh, what a shame, after all the work he put into it this morning Oh Oh, what a shame, after all the work he put into it this morning
48 00:02:55,567 00:02:57,239 Oh, is it so late already? Oh, is it so late already?
49 00:02:58,647 00:03:02,162 Those antihistamines are making me a bit dopey I think Those antihistamines are making me a bit dopey I think
50 00:03:02,807 00:03:04,081 Yes Yes
51 00:03:05,407 00:03:08,763 Anyway, you have a nice time over there? Anyway, you have a nice time over there?
52 00:03:08,927 00:03:12,397 -How was she? -Yeah Well, same as usual -How was she? -Yeah Well, same as usual
53 00:03:13,207 00:03:15,198 Where have the curtains gone? Where have the curtains gone?
54 00:03:15,287 00:03:17,960 Oh, yes I took them down to the dry cleaners for you Oh, yes I took them down to the dry cleaners for you
55 00:03:18,047 00:03:20,436 And the ones in the front bedroom And the ones in the front bedroom
56 00:03:20,607 00:03:22,882 Talk about long overdue for a wash Talk about long overdue for a wash
57 00:03:25,767 00:03:28,156 Did they come to take that picture back? Did they come to take that picture back?
58 00:03:28,967 00:03:30,036 Picture? Picture?
59 00:03:31,007 00:03:35,239 The enlargement we had done at the photo shop that went horribly wrong The enlargement we had done at the photo shop that went horribly wrong
60 00:03:35,327 00:03:39,798 -They said they'd pick it up about 4:00 -Oh, yes, yes I remember now, yes -They said they'd pick it up about 4:00 -Oh, yes, yes I remember now, yes
61 00:03:40,887 00:03:42,206 No, they didn't No, they didn't
62 00:03:44,247 00:03:47,796 Unless it was them at the front door when I was in the bath Unless it was them at the front door when I was in the bath
63 00:03:48,207 00:03:49,925 About 4:00 time About 4:00 time
64 00:03:51,207 00:03:53,801 Oh, and I turned off the central heating Oh, and I turned off the central heating
65 00:03:54,007 00:03:57,602 I didn't think it was helping Nicky's tummy bug I didn't think it was helping Nicky's tummy bug
66 00:03:59,047 00:04:00,036 Wasn't it? Wasn't it?
67 00:04:00,167 00:04:03,921 No, according to my book, it's not very good for cockatiels No, according to my book, it's not very good for cockatiels
68 00:04:04,007 00:04:06,475 Too much hot air with no moisture Too much hot air with no moisture
69 00:04:06,567 00:04:12,119 No, quite good for drying out wallpaper possibly, but not for his little tummy No, quite good for drying out wallpaper possibly, but not for his little tummy
70 00:04:14,207 00:04:17,677 Anyway, I better be getting on up now, then Anyway, I better be getting on up now, then
71 00:04:17,767 00:04:19,598 Take my face off Take my face off
72 00:04:19,687 00:04:21,643 See you in the morning, Margaret See you in the morning, Margaret
73 00:04:21,807 00:04:23,081 Night, Jean! Night, Jean!
74 00:04:35,927 00:04:40,523 Now she'll be in that bloody bathroom for an hour and a half taking her face off Now she'll be in that bloody bathroom for an hour and a half taking her face off
75 00:04:41,647 00:04:45,322 With a bottle of hydrochloric acid, we could do it in 1 0 seconds With a bottle of hydrochloric acid, we could do it in 1 0 seconds
76 00:04:47,007 00:04:50,716 There's a lot worse than her You've just got to have a bit of patience There's a lot worse than her You've just got to have a bit of patience
77 00:04:53,127 00:04:56,961 So, it seems to be doing the trick then, does it? So, it seems to be doing the trick then, does it?
78 00:04:57,047 00:04:58,196 What's that? What's that?
79 00:04:58,287 00:05:01,484 This, whatever it is that person does to your feet, This, whatever it is that person does to your feet,
80 00:05:01,567 00:05:04,161 that quack you've started going to in Banbury Crescent that quack you've started going to in Banbury Crescent
81 00:05:04,247 00:05:08,798 She's not a quack It's called reflexology It's a recognised science She's not a quack It's called reflexology It's a recognised science
82 00:05:09,047 00:05:14,246 She just stimulates different parts of your foot and it reduces all your anxiety and stress She just stimulates different parts of your foot and it reduces all your anxiety and stress
83 00:05:14,687 00:05:16,245 You come away You come away
84 00:05:16,327 00:05:19,205 ready to cope with life's little problems ready to cope with life's little problems
85 00:05:26,567 00:05:28,239 It'll never last It'll never last
86 00:05:30,047 00:05:32,402 VICTOR: You cocky little bastard! VICTOR: You cocky little bastard!
87 00:05:33,327 00:05:35,045 (VICTOR YELLING) (VICTOR YELLING)
88 00:05:35,127 00:05:37,641 You know what you can do with it as well, don't you? You know what you can do with it as well, don't you?
89 00:05:37,767 00:05:41,123 I don't care! What about my bloody marigolds? I don't care! What about my bloody marigolds?
90 00:06:01,167 00:06:02,395 Morning Morning
91 00:06:02,487 00:06:05,957 Just thought I'd get some of the filth out of these cupboards for you Just thought I'd get some of the filth out of these cupboards for you
92 00:06:07,007 00:06:09,601 Well, I don't suppose you get the time, do you? Well, I don't suppose you get the time, do you?
93 00:06:09,767 00:06:12,520 I mean, you couldn't hope to keep this place spotless I mean, you couldn't hope to keep this place spotless
94 00:06:12,607 00:06:14,837 and I wouldn't expect it of you and I wouldn't expect it of you
95 00:06:14,927 00:06:19,557 I take it there's still no news, then, of when you could move back into your flat? I take it there's still no news, then, of when you could move back into your flat?
96 00:06:19,647 00:06:20,716 Oh, no Oh, no
97 00:06:20,807 00:06:25,835 Well, obviously they can't start pumping it out until the rains have let out Well, obviously they can't start pumping it out until the rains have let out
98 00:06:26,887 00:06:27,876 No No
99 00:06:30,087 00:06:33,682 Oh, yes! Any time you like, matey! Oh, yes! Any time you like, matey!
100 00:06:33,847 00:06:35,724 Whenever you like! Whenever you like!
101 00:06:39,127 00:06:40,401 Unbelievable Unbelievable
102 00:06:40,967 00:06:43,117 -Did you see what he'd done? -Who? -Did you see what he'd done? -Who?
103 00:06:43,207 00:06:46,005 That chimney sweep working number 1 2 across the road That chimney sweep working number 1 2 across the road
104 00:06:46,087 00:06:48,840 He'd only stuck his van in our bloody front lawn He'd only stuck his van in our bloody front lawn
105 00:06:49,847 00:06:52,407 I'll give him ''nowhere else to park'' I'll give him ''nowhere else to park''
106 00:06:52,487 00:06:53,966 Cocky bastard Cocky bastard
107 00:06:55,127 00:06:59,040 He wasn't going to move it either if I hadn't threatened to let his tyres down He wasn't going to move it either if I hadn't threatened to let his tyres down
108 00:06:59,687 00:07:03,077 Sweep his chimney for him next time he tries that lark Sweep his chimney for him next time he tries that lark
109 00:07:03,407 00:07:06,683 Oh, is that this morning's local? Oh, is that this morning's local?
110 00:07:07,407 00:07:11,685 ''Exclusive Pics from MP's gay love nest'' ''Exclusive Pics from MP's gay love nest''
111 00:07:12,127 00:07:13,924 More rubbish they've dug up More rubbish they've dug up
112 00:07:14,767 00:07:18,157 Now then, now then, where are we Now then, now then, where are we
113 00:07:18,287 00:07:21,324 I don't suppose for one second that they printed I don't suppose for one second that they printed
114 00:07:21,967 00:07:24,640 Oh, success Oh, success
115 00:07:25,367 00:07:28,643 -What? Is your letter in there, then? -Yes -What? Is your letter in there, then? -Yes
116 00:07:29,567 00:07:35,039 Oh, can you believe this? Listen to this Oh, can you believe this? Listen to this
117 00:07:36,087 00:07:38,203 ''On Monday night, I wrote to your paper ''On Monday night, I wrote to your paper
118 00:07:38,287 00:07:41,438 ''complaining about supermarket trolleys in public lavatories ''complaining about supermarket trolleys in public lavatories
119 00:07:41,527 00:07:44,519 ''I was somewhat alarmed to find my letter signed ''I was somewhat alarmed to find my letter signed
120 00:07:44,727 00:07:48,606 ''Polly the Penguin of the Oswestry Park Bird Sanctuary ''Polly the Penguin of the Oswestry Park Bird Sanctuary
121 00:07:49,567 00:07:53,037 ''While elsewhere on the page was a report incorrectly stating ''While elsewhere on the page was a report incorrectly stating
122 00:07:53,127 00:07:56,722 ''that I'd just laid a five-pound egg for the first time in captivity ''that I'd just laid a five-pound egg for the first time in captivity
123 00:07:57,967 00:08:02,438 ''Greater accuracy by your proofreaders in future will be much appreciated'' ''Greater accuracy by your proofreaders in future will be much appreciated''
124 00:08:02,767 00:08:04,200 Well, that's what you wrote, wasn't it? Well, that's what you wrote, wasn't it?
125 00:08:04,287 00:08:07,199 Yes, that's what I wrote, but look what's underneath Yes, that's what I wrote, but look what's underneath
126 00:08:07,287 00:08:13,362 ''Yours sincerely, Mildred Herring, 1 3 Bolsover House, Hemlock Street'' ''Yours sincerely, Mildred Herring, 1 3 Bolsover House, Hemlock Street''
127 00:08:16,207 00:08:19,677 I mean, I don't believe How do they make these mistakes? I mean, I don't believe How do they make these mistakes?
128 00:08:19,967 00:08:22,037 Who the hell's Mildred Herring? Who the hell's Mildred Herring?
129 00:08:23,967 00:08:26,083 I think she's the editor, isn't she? I think she's the editor, isn't she?
130 00:08:26,487 00:08:28,443 Yes, look Up here Yes, look Up here
131 00:08:29,167 00:08:33,683 ''If you have any views about local matters please send them to the editor, ''If you have any views about local matters please send them to the editor,
132 00:08:33,767 00:08:36,759 ''Victor Meldrew, 1 9 River Bank'' ''Victor Meldrew, 1 9 River Bank''
133 00:08:37,647 00:08:40,161 They've done it again Exactly the same thing They've done it again Exactly the same thing
134 00:08:40,247 00:08:41,680 Bloody paper Bloody paper
135 00:08:41,767 00:08:46,124 I mean, how do they make these mistakes? I don't know why I bother I mean, how do they make these mistakes? I don't know why I bother
136 00:08:46,287 00:08:49,882 Oh! Oh! What in the name of bloody hell! Oh! Oh! What in the name of bloody hell!
137 00:08:54,447 00:08:57,996 -Leave it, Jean Don't touch it I'll do it -Oh, oh, oh! -Leave it, Jean Don't touch it I'll do it -Oh, oh, oh!
138 00:09:03,247 00:09:06,717 I didn't know I still had this ruddy thing I didn't know I still had this ruddy thing
139 00:09:07,007 00:09:09,396 And the points are all rusty as And the points are all rusty as
140 00:09:09,887 00:09:11,605 When did you last have a tetanus? When did you last have a tetanus?
141 00:09:12,887 00:09:14,559 -Let me see -Oh -Let me see -Oh
142 00:09:15,047 00:09:16,685 (VICTOR GROANING) (VICTOR GROANING)
143 00:09:20,007 00:09:25,320 Just stand there and don't panic I think we've got some lint upstairs Just stand there and don't panic I think we've got some lint upstairs
144 00:09:27,167 00:09:28,759 Don't panic Don't panic
145 00:09:30,767 00:09:33,679 Just when I was beginning to relax a bit as well Just when I was beginning to relax a bit as well
146 00:09:33,767 00:09:36,440 VICTOR: Oh, if it's not one thing, it's another VICTOR: Oh, if it's not one thing, it's another
147 00:09:37,207 00:09:40,438 So it's up to that bloody hospital now, I suppose So it's up to that bloody hospital now, I suppose
148 00:09:40,527 00:09:42,757 Hang around there for three hours Hang around there for three hours
149 00:09:48,007 00:09:52,205 I mean, if you can't come down to breakfast without getting a spike up your I mean, if you can't come down to breakfast without getting a spike up your
150 00:09:53,207 00:09:54,959 What in the name of God What in the name of God
151 00:09:55,047 00:10:00,121 Oh, yes, how extremely side-splittingly funny That's just about the level of your kind Oh, yes, how extremely side-splittingly funny That's just about the level of your kind
152 00:10:17,647 00:10:20,957 Morning, Mr Meldrew You need a map? Morning, Mr Meldrew You need a map?
153 00:10:21,567 00:10:22,556 Oh Oh
154 00:10:23,927 00:10:25,155 No No
155 00:10:25,927 00:10:28,282 Bit of a maze at the moment, isn't it? Bit of a maze at the moment, isn't it?
156 00:10:28,887 00:10:31,447 Just up here getting a tetanus booster Just up here getting a tetanus booster
157 00:10:32,527 00:10:34,597 So, what about So, what about
158 00:10:35,447 00:10:39,838 Oh, yes, fine thank you Yes, I'm only in for an overnight, not before time Oh, yes, fine thank you Yes, I'm only in for an overnight, not before time
159 00:10:40,007 00:10:43,124 My foreskin's been on the waiting list nearly three years now My foreskin's been on the waiting list nearly three years now
160 00:10:44,727 00:10:47,002 Has it? Yes, oh Has it? Yes, oh
161 00:10:47,087 00:10:49,476 Terrible when you get stuck in a bottleneck like that Terrible when you get stuck in a bottleneck like that
162 00:10:51,567 00:10:52,841 I beg your pardon? I beg your pardon?
163 00:10:52,927 00:10:55,361 I wasn't sorry to see the back of it, I don't mind saying I wasn't sorry to see the back of it, I don't mind saying
164 00:10:55,447 00:10:57,722 Actually, I'm glad I bumped into you, Actually, I'm glad I bumped into you,
165 00:10:57,807 00:11:00,799 only we've got a bit of a do on at home tomorrow night only we've got a bit of a do on at home tomorrow night
166 00:11:00,887 00:11:04,243 It's the annual knees-up of the Dixon of Dock Green Appreciation Society It's the annual knees-up of the Dixon of Dock Green Appreciation Society
167 00:11:04,327 00:11:08,445 and things can sometimes get a bit merry round about 9:30 and things can sometimes get a bit merry round about 9:30
168 00:11:08,527 00:11:13,999 So, do feel free to bang on the wall, won't you? I'd hate to think we were causing a nuisance So, do feel free to bang on the wall, won't you? I'd hate to think we were causing a nuisance
169 00:11:14,087 00:11:17,159 Ah, yes Well, I'm sure we shouldn't do that Ah, yes Well, I'm sure we shouldn't do that
170 00:11:17,247 00:11:21,445 Anyway, better see if I can find my way out now, I suppose Anyway, better see if I can find my way out now, I suppose
171 00:11:21,527 00:11:24,280 And good luck with the other And good luck with the other
172 00:11:24,367 00:11:25,959 Oh, thank you very much Oh, thank you very much
173 00:11:26,047 00:11:29,278 Can you see down the end where they've taken all the plaster off? Can you see down the end where they've taken all the plaster off?
174 00:11:30,247 00:11:31,475 Hmm? Hmm?
175 00:11:31,807 00:11:34,480 Turn right there and you'll be out in the car park Turn right there and you'll be out in the car park
176 00:11:37,727 00:11:39,604 Oh, yes Oh, yes
177 00:11:40,127 00:11:42,357 All right, thanks All right, thanks
178 00:11:45,327 00:11:47,363 (MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) (MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
179 00:11:51,687 00:11:54,997 Well, that was as clear as mud Well, that was as clear as mud
180 00:11:55,967 00:11:59,721 Two and a half hours and I still haven't the faintest idea what it was all about Two and a half hours and I still haven't the faintest idea what it was all about
181 00:12:00,727 00:12:02,797 You can't beat a good mystery You can't beat a good mystery
182 00:12:05,767 00:12:09,442 Yes, but, I mean, who did it then, in the end? Yes, but, I mean, who did it then, in the end?
183 00:12:14,007 00:12:17,079 The short fat one with the ginger moustache The short fat one with the ginger moustache
184 00:12:17,207 00:12:18,879 How could it have been her? How could it have been her?
185 00:12:21,207 00:12:25,359 She fell out of a helicopter halfway through going over Cheddar Gorge She fell out of a helicopter halfway through going over Cheddar Gorge
186 00:12:25,647 00:12:29,162 Ah, but you never saw her hit the ground, did you? Ah, but you never saw her hit the ground, did you?
187 00:12:29,247 00:12:30,885 That's where they were clever That's where they were clever
188 00:12:34,527 00:12:38,122 VICTOR: Half the time you couldn't even work out who they were meant to be VICTOR: Half the time you couldn't even work out who they were meant to be
189 00:12:40,047 00:12:43,198 And another thing, if that man who looked like David Dimbleby And another thing, if that man who looked like David Dimbleby
190 00:12:43,287 00:12:45,243 was supposed to know who the killer was, was supposed to know who the killer was,
191 00:12:45,327 00:12:49,115 why did he arrange to meet him under a bridge at 3:30 in the morning? why did he arrange to meet him under a bridge at 3:30 in the morning?
192 00:12:49,727 00:12:52,844 And who was that dwarf in the bowler hat And who was that dwarf in the bowler hat
193 00:12:52,927 00:12:55,999 that came running through the woods in slow motion? that came running through the woods in slow motion?
194 00:12:56,087 00:12:58,647 Never did find out what that was all about Never did find out what that was all about
195 00:12:59,607 00:13:02,121 Ah, it's only a story Ah, it's only a story
196 00:13:03,047 00:13:07,723 Oh, are you going for another session with your reflexologist tomorrow? Oh, are you going for another session with your reflexologist tomorrow?
197 00:13:08,087 00:13:09,486 In Banbury Crescent? In Banbury Crescent?
198 00:13:09,567 00:13:11,603 Hmm, I was planning to, yes Hmm, I was planning to, yes
199 00:13:11,687 00:13:15,726 Only, I wondered if you'd just pop by the flat for me Only, I wondered if you'd just pop by the flat for me
200 00:13:15,807 00:13:18,275 and pick up a few clothes and pick up a few clothes
201 00:13:18,607 00:13:20,916 I've written a list out here I've written a list out here
202 00:13:23,327 00:13:25,477 -There we are -Yes, I expect so -There we are -Yes, I expect so
203 00:13:26,367 00:13:30,042 How exactly does it work again, this treatment? How exactly does it work again, this treatment?
204 00:13:30,407 00:13:33,797 I was wondering if I ought to book myself a few sessions I was wondering if I ought to book myself a few sessions
205 00:13:33,887 00:13:36,003 Well, there's nothing much to it really Well, there's nothing much to it really
206 00:13:36,087 00:13:41,115 Just lie back and close your eyes and you go off into a kind of trance Just lie back and close your eyes and you go off into a kind of trance
207 00:13:41,607 00:13:47,045 Then she just manipulates different bits of your feet with her little finger, Then she just manipulates different bits of your feet with her little finger,
208 00:13:47,127 00:13:50,802 and then 20 minutes later, you come away and it's wonderful and then 20 minutes later, you come away and it's wonderful
209 00:13:51,127 00:13:53,800 Feeling all relaxed and tickety Feeling all relaxed and tickety
210 00:14:00,047 00:14:04,279 Why did those detectives ask David Dimbleby for his sperm? Why did those detectives ask David Dimbleby for his sperm?
211 00:14:06,847 00:14:09,486 To eliminate him from their inquiries To eliminate him from their inquiries
212 00:14:11,527 00:14:12,642 Oh, I see Oh, I see
213 00:14:13,247 00:14:16,876 The police can use sperm now as a way of fingerprinting people The police can use sperm now as a way of fingerprinting people
214 00:14:21,367 00:14:24,518 I don't see what was wrong with the old ink pads I don't see what was wrong with the old ink pads
215 00:14:26,567 00:14:28,762 They used to serve the purpose They used to serve the purpose
216 00:14:31,927 00:14:34,964 How is Nicky's tummy today? Did you take him up to the bird hospital? How is Nicky's tummy today? Did you take him up to the bird hospital?
217 00:14:35,047 00:14:38,562 Yes They put him on to some antibiotic millet, Yes They put him on to some antibiotic millet,
218 00:14:38,647 00:14:40,956 which is supposed to be very good which is supposed to be very good
219 00:14:44,447 00:14:46,119 This is nice This is nice
220 00:14:46,207 00:14:49,324 Not that I can taste it with my allergy of course Not that I can taste it with my allergy of course
221 00:14:50,127 00:14:51,924 Might be absolutely horrible Might be absolutely horrible
222 00:14:54,607 00:14:57,075 But I'm sure it's really delicious But I'm sure it's really delicious
223 00:15:00,607 00:15:03,963 So, whose head was that in the fridge? So, whose head was that in the fridge?
224 00:15:04,167 00:15:07,796 That never fitted into the plot, either, as far as I could see That never fitted into the plot, either, as far as I could see
225 00:15:07,887 00:15:10,526 That was her boyfriend, wasn't it? That was her boyfriend, wasn't it?
226 00:15:10,607 00:15:12,518 So who killed him, then? So who killed him, then?
227 00:15:12,607 00:15:13,722 Nobody Nobody
228 00:15:13,807 00:15:16,321 I thought he was supposed to have committed suicide I thought he was supposed to have committed suicide
229 00:15:18,127 00:15:20,766 What, and then stuck his own head in the fridge? What, and then stuck his own head in the fridge?
230 00:15:22,887 00:15:25,526 How on earth are you meant to fathom these things out? How on earth are you meant to fathom these things out?
231 00:15:25,607 00:15:29,566 I mean, you say it's just a story but there's got to be some point to it all I mean, you say it's just a story but there's got to be some point to it all
232 00:15:29,647 00:15:33,162 I mean, you can't just have a lot of weird things all happening for no reason I mean, you can't just have a lot of weird things all happening for no reason
233 00:15:33,247 00:15:34,600 Why not? Why not?
234 00:15:36,807 00:15:41,927 Well, because Otherwise nothing that happens would make any sense Well, because Otherwise nothing that happens would make any sense
235 00:15:43,407 00:15:44,396 No No
236 00:17:00,607 00:17:01,960 (DUCK QUACKING) (DUCK QUACKING)
237 00:17:21,367 00:17:22,766 ''Dear editor, ''Dear editor,
238 00:17:22,847 00:17:26,920 ''I wonder if through your columns I might express ''I wonder if through your columns I might express
239 00:17:27,007 00:17:30,158 ''my concern about several loose paving slabs ''my concern about several loose paving slabs
240 00:17:30,247 00:17:33,762 ''outside the off-licence in Gosport Terrace'' ''outside the off-licence in Gosport Terrace''
241 00:17:34,327 00:17:36,318 Oh, yes, I agree with that one Oh, yes, I agree with that one
242 00:17:37,007 00:17:39,521 I wish I was the editor of that thing I wish I was the editor of that thing
243 00:17:40,487 00:17:43,718 There's a few letters I'd print in it straightaway, I'll tell you There's a few letters I'd print in it straightaway, I'll tell you
244 00:17:44,727 00:17:50,916 ''Dear Mr Meldrew, I was utterly appalled by your front page article this week ''Dear Mr Meldrew, I was utterly appalled by your front page article this week
245 00:17:52,167 00:17:56,683 ''featuring photos of our local MP and his partner ''featuring photos of our local MP and his partner
246 00:17:56,847 00:17:59,236 ''taken through a bedroom window ''taken through a bedroom window
247 00:17:59,327 00:18:02,922 ''There is no justification for this blatant invasion of privacy'' ''There is no justification for this blatant invasion of privacy''
248 00:18:03,407 00:18:06,240 Oh, yes, a lot of letters about that one Oh, yes, a lot of letters about that one
249 00:18:07,047 00:18:10,483 When you cleaned this cage out this morning When you cleaned this cage out this morning
250 00:18:10,567 00:18:11,636 Yes? Yes?
251 00:18:11,727 00:18:14,560 Are you sure you closed the door properly? Are you sure you closed the door properly?
252 00:18:14,727 00:18:16,524 Why, what are you Why, what are you
253 00:18:17,687 00:18:18,915 Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
254 00:18:19,007 00:18:20,918 Oh, Nicky Oh, Nicky
255 00:18:21,007 00:18:22,156 Nicky! Nicky!
256 00:18:22,247 00:18:23,726 Where is he? Where is he?
257 00:18:24,567 00:18:28,401 Oh, my God! I knew this would happen some day Oh, my God! I knew this would happen some day
258 00:18:28,487 00:18:30,045 -Oh, where are you, Nicky? -No, no -Oh, where are you, Nicky? -No, no
259 00:18:30,127 00:18:33,119 Now, keep calm, Mrs Warboys We don't know he fled Now, keep calm, Mrs Warboys We don't know he fled
260 00:18:33,207 00:18:34,606 Mrs Warboys! Mrs Warboys!
261 00:18:35,767 00:18:38,201 No, Mrs Warboys I'm sorry but no No, Mrs Warboys I'm sorry but no
262 00:18:38,367 00:18:40,961 I just thought I saw something fluttering up there I just thought I saw something fluttering up there
263 00:18:41,047 00:18:42,639 I'm not climbing up another bloody tree I'm not climbing up another bloody tree
264 00:18:42,727 00:18:45,605 just to bring down a piece of soggy white toilet paper just to bring down a piece of soggy white toilet paper
265 00:18:45,687 00:18:48,281 I mean, how did it get up there anyway? I mean, how did it get up there anyway?
266 00:18:49,687 00:18:51,917 What if he's been eaten by a cat? What if he's been eaten by a cat?
267 00:18:52,007 00:18:54,043 Well, at least he'll be in the dry Well, at least he'll be in the dry
268 00:18:54,127 00:18:58,279 Can you just give me the keys so we can get back indoors? I feel like a drowned rat Can you just give me the keys so we can get back indoors? I feel like a drowned rat
269 00:18:58,767 00:19:00,359 Key, Mr Meldrew? Key, Mr Meldrew?
270 00:19:01,567 00:19:05,879 This morning, you asked if you could borrow my key for the day so you could This morning, you asked if you could borrow my key for the day so you could
271 00:19:07,367 00:19:10,200 I left it on the hall table for you to I left it on the hall table for you to
272 00:19:15,447 00:19:16,721 Brilliant! Brilliant!
273 00:19:18,247 00:19:21,557 -Margaret will be back soon -Not for another hour, she won't -Margaret will be back soon -Not for another hour, she won't
274 00:19:22,367 00:19:24,676 I'm not staying here to freeze to death I'm not staying here to freeze to death
275 00:19:35,047 00:19:39,199 NICK: Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear Sounds like a right old to-do, doesn't it? NICK: Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear Sounds like a right old to-do, doesn't it?
276 00:19:39,287 00:19:43,644 Anyway, now you're inside, you can get dried off and come inside and join in the fun Anyway, now you're inside, you can get dried off and come inside and join in the fun
277 00:19:44,247 00:19:47,956 Everybody, this is Mr Meldrew from next door Everybody, this is Mr Meldrew from next door
278 00:19:48,047 00:19:50,641 and his friend Mrs Warboys and his friend Mrs Warboys
279 00:19:50,727 00:19:53,480 They've been looking for their cockatiel and got locked out of the house, They've been looking for their cockatiel and got locked out of the house,
280 00:19:53,567 00:19:55,046 if you can believe such a thing if you can believe such a thing
281 00:19:55,127 00:19:56,446 What do we say to them? What do we say to them?
282 00:19:56,527 00:19:57,721 Evening all Evening all
283 00:19:58,967 00:20:03,802 Now, would either of you like a nice, strong drop of whisky to warm yourselves up? Now, would either of you like a nice, strong drop of whisky to warm yourselves up?
284 00:20:03,887 00:20:06,481 Oh, yes, that wouldn't go amiss, thank you very much Oh, yes, that wouldn't go amiss, thank you very much
285 00:20:06,567 00:20:10,321 No, no, no, you have to say, ''No, thank you, sir Not while I'm on duty'' No, no, no, you have to say, ''No, thank you, sir Not while I'm on duty''
286 00:20:10,407 00:20:12,318 It's all just part of the silliness It's all just part of the silliness
287 00:20:12,407 00:20:15,604 Mr Christmas, would you pop through and put the kettle on again, will you? Mr Christmas, would you pop through and put the kettle on again, will you?
288 00:20:15,687 00:20:19,236 And now, Mr Partridge and Mr Gallimore, if you'd both like to budge up, And now, Mr Partridge and Mr Gallimore, if you'd both like to budge up,
289 00:20:19,327 00:20:21,238 so that they can sit down so that they can sit down
290 00:20:21,327 00:20:23,841 There we are That's the ticket There we are That's the ticket
291 00:20:24,007 00:20:26,840 Oh, now, I don't know if you're into party games at all, Oh, now, I don't know if you're into party games at all,
292 00:20:27,007 00:20:29,999 but we were just in the middle of a bout of hangman, but we were just in the middle of a bout of hangman,
293 00:20:30,127 00:20:32,004 so do feel free to join in so do feel free to join in
294 00:20:32,087 00:20:35,045 Now, whose go was It was yours, Mr Gallimore, I think Now, whose go was It was yours, Mr Gallimore, I think
295 00:20:36,007 00:20:36,996 G G
296 00:20:37,127 00:20:40,039 No, no, I don't think he's going to make it, is he? No, no, I don't think he's going to make it, is he?
297 00:20:40,127 00:20:42,766 Mr Meldrew, you care to have a stab at it at all? Mr Meldrew, you care to have a stab at it at all?
298 00:21:17,847 00:21:19,678 NICK: See you very soon NICK: See you very soon
299 00:21:25,607 00:21:27,916 Where have you been until this hour? Where have you been until this hour?
300 00:21:29,207 00:21:31,641 God, 9:20 God, 9:20
301 00:21:32,167 00:21:33,964 I'm ready for a bath I'm ready for a bath
302 00:21:34,327 00:21:35,919 Is that this evening's local? Is that this evening's local?
303 00:21:36,007 00:21:39,556 Don't expect they've printed that second correction yet Don't expect they've printed that second correction yet
304 00:21:39,647 00:21:42,115 I went for a drink with Meg after work I went for a drink with Meg after work
305 00:21:42,727 00:21:46,242 -I did ring but, of course, there was no answer -JEAN: Oh, you're back! -I did ring but, of course, there was no answer -JEAN: Oh, you're back!
306 00:21:48,447 00:21:50,165 Can you believe it? Can you believe it?
307 00:21:50,687 00:21:52,917 All the time we've been out searching for All the time we've been out searching for
308 00:21:53,007 00:21:55,282 Oh, you little terror Oh, you little terror
309 00:21:55,647 00:21:58,525 We've been climbing up trees and everything We've been climbing up trees and everything
310 00:21:59,447 00:22:02,245 Come along, let's get you upstairs Come along, let's get you upstairs
311 00:22:03,607 00:22:06,599 My God! My God!
312 00:22:09,087 00:22:13,239 I feel as though I've been up the Amazon and back today, I do straight I feel as though I've been up the Amazon and back today, I do straight
313 00:22:13,367 00:22:14,356 Oh, yes Oh, yes
314 00:22:15,487 00:22:18,957 The old tension coming on again, is it? The old tension coming on again, is it?
315 00:22:20,407 00:22:25,435 I expect you need another session with your reflexologist in Banbury Crescent I expect you need another session with your reflexologist in Banbury Crescent
316 00:22:26,207 00:22:29,916 Quite soothing, is it, the treatment you get up there? Quite soothing, is it, the treatment you get up there?
317 00:22:30,007 00:22:31,235 Yes Why? Yes Why?
318 00:22:32,007 00:22:34,919 As you're lying on a bed with your eyes closed, As you're lying on a bed with your eyes closed,
319 00:22:35,007 00:22:37,646 drifting into a trance drifting into a trance
320 00:22:38,007 00:22:42,398 Quite soothing as she runs her little finger over your feet Quite soothing as she runs her little finger over your feet
321 00:22:42,607 00:22:44,757 I told you, yes Why? I told you, yes Why?
322 00:22:45,407 00:22:48,444 And you're quite sure, are you, And you're quite sure, are you,
323 00:22:48,527 00:22:51,200 that it's her little finger she's using? that it's her little finger she's using?
324 00:22:51,287 00:22:53,881 -Yes, of course What do you mean? -Oh! -Yes, of course What do you mean? -Oh!
325 00:22:54,487 00:22:56,717 Just something I read in here Just something I read in here
326 00:22:57,447 00:22:59,278 In this article In this article
327 00:22:59,767 00:23:03,726 on the growing problem of suburban prostitution on the growing problem of suburban prostitution
328 00:23:05,167 00:23:08,045 I wonder if this strikes a chord at all I wonder if this strikes a chord at all
329 00:23:08,327 00:23:13,685 ''An interview with bored housewife Vicky, 32, ''An interview with bored housewife Vicky, 32,
330 00:23:14,327 00:23:17,763 ''who entertains a wide variety of clients ''who entertains a wide variety of clients
331 00:23:17,887 00:23:22,085 ''behind the lace curtains of her bungalow in Banbury Crescent ''behind the lace curtains of her bungalow in Banbury Crescent
332 00:23:24,087 00:23:28,558 '''I get all kinds coming round, young and old '''I get all kinds coming round, young and old
333 00:23:29,047 00:23:33,484 '''They all look normal but you'd be surprised at the things they ask you to do '''They all look normal but you'd be surprised at the things they ask you to do
334 00:23:33,927 00:23:38,682 '''One bloke likes me walking across his back in high-heeled shoes '''One bloke likes me walking across his back in high-heeled shoes
335 00:23:38,927 00:23:41,805 '''Another, elderly gent, '''Another, elderly gent,
336 00:23:41,887 00:23:46,324 '''pays me just to stroke the soles of his feet with my breasts '''pays me just to stroke the soles of his feet with my breasts
337 00:23:52,527 00:23:55,200 '''I suppose it takes all sorts''' '''I suppose it takes all sorts'''
338 00:23:56,647 00:23:58,046 (STUTTERING) (STUTTERING)
339 00:23:58,127 00:24:00,687 Just remind me, will you, Just remind me, will you,
340 00:24:00,767 00:24:03,964 how this all started in the first place? how this all started in the first place?
341 00:24:04,727 00:24:06,080 Hmm? Hmm?
342 00:24:06,647 00:24:10,765 Well, it was, uh, Big Jeff at the chip shop Well, it was, uh, Big Jeff at the chip shop
343 00:24:11,127 00:24:14,483 He said he went to this woman who had a magic touch with feet He said he went to this woman who had a magic touch with feet
344 00:24:14,647 00:24:19,243 And he got rid of all his stress and tension and did I want her telephone number? And he got rid of all his stress and tension and did I want her telephone number?
345 00:24:19,327 00:24:24,321 So you went round and asked if she would do the same for you So you went round and asked if she would do the same for you
346 00:24:24,407 00:24:25,806 as she did for him? as she did for him?
347 00:24:25,887 00:24:28,526 Well, yes, I mean, I just Well, yes, I mean, I just
348 00:24:28,967 00:24:31,242 I don't know what to say I don't know what to say
349 00:24:31,407 00:24:34,763 ''Come away all relaxed and tickety'' ''Come away all relaxed and tickety''
350 00:24:36,607 00:24:38,916 Five times you've Five times you've
351 00:24:39,007 00:24:42,636 But, I mean, where did I get the idea that she was a reflexologist? But, I mean, where did I get the idea that she was a reflexologist?
352 00:24:42,727 00:24:45,958 Where do you get any of your ideas, Victor? Where do you get any of your ideas, Victor?
353 00:24:46,127 00:24:48,721 You tell me, because I just You tell me, because I just
354 00:24:49,087 00:24:50,076 I I
355 00:24:50,167 00:24:52,727 Nobody would believe it, would they? Nobody would believe it, would they?
356 00:24:52,807 00:24:56,243 That someone could lie there with a nipple between their toes That someone could lie there with a nipple between their toes
357 00:24:56,327 00:24:58,363 and not even realise and not even realise
358 00:24:58,847 00:25:02,396 And you talk about things making sense! And you talk about things making sense!
359 00:25:04,047 00:25:07,119 Well, I mean, I don't understand Well, I mean, I don't understand
360 00:25:07,327 00:25:08,476 I mean, she just I mean, she just
361 00:25:08,567 00:25:10,285 (EXCLAIMS) (EXCLAIMS)
362 00:25:10,487 00:25:14,002 My punctures are giving me gyp again My punctures are giving me gyp again
363 00:25:14,087 00:25:17,204 I suppose I'd better go and put some ointment on them I suppose I'd better go and put some ointment on them
364 00:25:17,447 00:25:20,245 Look, Margaret, I'm Look, Margaret, I'm
365 00:25:32,967 00:25:37,916 Ah, well, that's a happy ending, isn't it? Ah, well, that's a happy ending, isn't it?
366 00:25:38,007 00:25:39,645 After all After all
367 00:25:41,407 00:25:44,524 I wonder where he'd got to all that while I wonder where he'd got to all that while
368 00:25:44,607 00:25:48,122 I suppose it'll just have to remain a mystery like a lot of I suppose it'll just have to remain a mystery like a lot of
369 00:25:50,167 00:25:53,239 -Oh, excuse me -Not getting any better, then? -Oh, excuse me -Not getting any better, then?
370 00:25:53,327 00:25:55,636 -Sorry? -Your hay fever -Sorry? -Your hay fever
371 00:25:56,327 00:25:58,636 Oh, no I'm fine with pollen Oh, no I'm fine with pollen
372 00:25:58,727 00:26:00,797 That's not the problem at all That's not the problem at all
373 00:26:00,887 00:26:03,321 It's the feathers that set me off It's the feathers that set me off
374 00:26:04,927 00:26:06,326 Feathers? Feathers?
375 00:26:06,407 00:26:09,797 Yes, I've always been cursed with that since I was a girl Yes, I've always been cursed with that since I was a girl
376 00:26:10,487 00:26:15,038 Then why on earth have you got a bird as a pet if you're allergic to feathers? Then why on earth have you got a bird as a pet if you're allergic to feathers?
377 00:26:16,527 00:26:19,041 Never really thought about it like that Never really thought about it like that
378 00:26:21,527 00:26:25,042 The pleasure it gives me and the companionship The pleasure it gives me and the companionship
379 00:26:25,127 00:26:27,118 are the important things are the important things
380 00:26:27,727 00:26:31,925 Well, I mean, you put up with all the misery, don't you? Well, I mean, you put up with all the misery, don't you?
381 00:26:32,607 00:26:34,518 If it's something you love If it's something you love
382 00:26:41,207 00:26:44,677 -You ready for a cup of tea? -Oh, yes, Jean -You ready for a cup of tea? -Oh, yes, Jean
383 00:26:44,767 00:26:46,758 I could just do with that I could just do with that
384 00:26:56,167 00:26:58,886 (MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) (MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
385 00:27:12,607 00:27:14,279 Victor! Victor!
386 00:27:14,367 00:27:18,599 What is it? I'll be down in just a second as soon as I've done this What is it? I'll be down in just a second as soon as I've done this
387 00:27:27,087 00:27:31,080 MAN: In five Two MAN: In five Two
388 00:27:31,767 00:27:35,316 Tonight, as the furore mounts over a local newspaper's Tonight, as the furore mounts over a local newspaper's
389 00:27:35,407 00:27:38,797 unwarranted intrusion into the privacy of its MP, unwarranted intrusion into the privacy of its MP,
390 00:27:38,887 00:27:42,960 we give the paper's editor, Victor Meldrew, a taste of his own medicine we give the paper's editor, Victor Meldrew, a taste of his own medicine
391 00:27:43,087 00:27:47,558 We ask the question, ''You can dish it out to others, but can you take it yourself?'' We ask the question, ''You can dish it out to others, but can you take it yourself?''
392 00:27:57,127 00:28:00,278 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
393 00:28:00,367 00:28:03,359 # That I am just too long in the tooth # That I am just too long in the tooth
394 00:28:04,047 00:28:07,039 # I've started to deteriorate # I've started to deteriorate
395 00:28:07,367 00:28:10,757 #And now I've passed my own sell-by date #And now I've passed my own sell-by date
396 00:28:11,087 00:28:14,204 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
397 00:28:14,287 00:28:17,643 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew # I have to pop my teeth in to chew
398 00:28:17,727 00:28:21,083 #And my old knees have started to knock #And my old knees have started to knock
399 00:28:21,487 00:28:24,638 # I've just got too many miles on the clock # I've just got too many miles on the clock
400 00:28:24,847 00:28:28,556 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
401 00:28:28,687 00:28:32,396 # It's true that my body has seen better days # It's true that my body has seen better days
402 00:28:32,487 00:28:36,002 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
403 00:28:36,167 00:28:38,681 # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave
404 00:28:39,687 00:28:42,360 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #
404 00:28:39,687 00:28:42,360 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #