# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:02,967 00:00:06,243 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
2 00:00:06,327 00:00:09,717 # That I am just too long in the tooth # That I am just too long in the tooth
3 00:00:09,807 00:00:12,799 # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4 00:00:13,287 00:00:16,643 # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5 00:00:16,727 00:00:20,720 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6 00:00:20,807 00:00:24,356 # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Fading away but I've not yet expired
7 00:00:24,447 00:00:27,678 # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8 00:00:28,287 00:00:31,006 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #
9 00:01:48,567 00:01:52,355 Amazing the adverts they put in the local Amazing the adverts they put in the local
10 00:01:59,327 00:02:02,399 ''Cane my young traffic warden's bottom'' ''Cane my young traffic warden's bottom''
11 00:02:05,007 00:02:07,885 ''Listen to a housewife moan'' ''Listen to a housewife moan''
12 00:02:08,327 00:02:10,363 I can do that any day I can do that any day
13 00:02:12,047 00:02:15,119 ''Hear my massive 46-inch breasts'' ''Hear my massive 46-inch breasts''
14 00:02:17,007 00:02:20,283 Hear my massive 46-inch breasts? Hear my massive 46-inch breasts?
15 00:02:20,367 00:02:23,279 How? What's she got, cowbells on them? How? What's she got, cowbells on them?
16 00:02:25,327 00:02:27,795 ''Available via PIN number'' ''Available via PIN number''
17 00:02:29,607 00:02:33,361 Rang one of these numbers up once It's about as erotic as Amy Turtle Rang one of these numbers up once It's about as erotic as Amy Turtle
18 00:02:34,927 00:02:37,760 Well, that's that read from cover to cover Well, that's that read from cover to cover
19 00:03:10,127 00:03:13,517 Madness Unutterable madness Madness Unutterable madness
20 00:04:15,447 00:04:17,005 Now, then Now, then
21 00:04:19,887 00:04:21,798 What have we got here? What have we got here?
22 00:04:30,407 00:04:31,601 I don't I don't
23 00:04:32,847 00:04:35,964 What in the name of bloody hell? What in the name of bloody hell?
24 00:04:42,647 00:04:46,276 What was the last thing I said to you before I went out What was the last thing I said to you before I went out
25 00:04:46,367 00:04:49,040 about keeping an eye on the weather for me? about keeping an eye on the weather for me?
26 00:04:51,007 00:04:53,157 How am I supposed to put these on? How am I supposed to put these on?
27 00:04:53,247 00:04:55,807 Spin round like Wonder Woman? Spin round like Wonder Woman?
28 00:04:56,927 00:05:00,602 I'd throw these socks away except they'd probably keep coming back I'd throw these socks away except they'd probably keep coming back
29 00:05:03,767 00:05:05,120 Unbelievable! Unbelievable!
30 00:05:05,207 00:05:08,244 Did you see this? What I just found in one of those crackers you bought? Did you see this? What I just found in one of those crackers you bought?
31 00:05:08,327 00:05:10,124 No But do please tell me No But do please tell me
32 00:05:10,207 00:05:14,678 Question ''What's the difference between Victor Meldrew Question ''What's the difference between Victor Meldrew
33 00:05:14,767 00:05:17,600 ''and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?'' ''and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?''
34 00:05:17,687 00:05:20,520 Answer ''They're both useless tossers'' Answer ''They're both useless tossers''
35 00:05:22,007 00:05:25,283 Can you believe that? Inside one of those crackers Can you believe that? Inside one of those crackers
36 00:05:25,847 00:05:27,963 Where did you say you got them? Where did you say you got them?
37 00:05:28,047 00:05:30,959 I can't remember Cardigan Crescent, I think, the Happy Shopper I can't remember Cardigan Crescent, I think, the Happy Shopper
38 00:05:31,047 00:05:33,959 Happy Shopper? Do you know what? Somebody has been tampering with these Happy Shopper? Do you know what? Somebody has been tampering with these
39 00:05:34,047 00:05:38,086 Poking these things in the end with the end of a screwdriver or something Poking these things in the end with the end of a screwdriver or something
40 00:05:38,167 00:05:39,805 Bastards Bastards
41 00:05:39,887 00:05:42,481 Same person or persons unknown I presume Same person or persons unknown I presume
42 00:05:42,567 00:05:47,357 who were responsible for this little piece of unpleasantness I found this afternoon who were responsible for this little piece of unpleasantness I found this afternoon
43 00:05:49,127 00:05:52,039 Sticking out the top of our wheelie bin if you please Sticking out the top of our wheelie bin if you please
44 00:05:52,167 00:05:54,681 Mrs Blithery at number 25 nearly had a heart attack, Mrs Blithery at number 25 nearly had a heart attack,
45 00:05:54,767 00:05:57,520 thought we were leaving dead bodies out for the dustmen thought we were leaving dead bodies out for the dustmen
46 00:05:57,607 00:05:59,802 Just kids, I expect, playing pranks Just kids, I expect, playing pranks
47 00:05:59,887 00:06:01,036 Pranks? Pranks?
48 00:06:07,927 00:06:12,045 It doesn't even work Look, it's got, ''What's the difference between'' It doesn't even work Look, it's got, ''What's the difference between''
49 00:06:12,127 00:06:15,278 And then it says we're both useless tossers And then it says we're both useless tossers
50 00:06:16,207 00:06:18,767 How is that the difference? That's not the difference How is that the difference? That's not the difference
51 00:06:18,847 00:06:21,156 That's what we've got in common That's what we've got in common
52 00:06:21,247 00:06:25,206 Now, if it said, ''Why is Victor Meldrew like a chef Now, if it said, ''Why is Victor Meldrew like a chef
53 00:06:25,287 00:06:29,724 ''who keeps dropping his pancakes? Because we're both useless tossers,'' ''who keeps dropping his pancakes? Because we're both useless tossers,''
54 00:06:29,807 00:06:31,081 then it would work then it would work
55 00:06:31,167 00:06:33,886 It'd be a proper joke then, but it doesn't It'd be a proper joke then, but it doesn't
56 00:06:33,967 00:06:35,923 I mean, it's not even logical I mean, it's not even logical
57 00:06:36,727 00:06:39,799 They haven't even taken the trouble to think it through properly They haven't even taken the trouble to think it through properly
58 00:06:39,887 00:06:43,516 -before poking the bloody -Yes, all right! -before poking the bloody -Yes, all right!
59 00:06:44,927 00:06:47,680 Can we drop it now, please? Can we drop it now, please?
60 00:06:50,647 00:06:54,242 Don't know how many of these things are circulating out there, now do we? Don't know how many of these things are circulating out there, now do we?
61 00:06:55,727 00:06:57,479 Evil little buggers Evil little buggers
62 00:06:59,647 00:07:02,844 Still haven't got over them sticking that live frog through the letter box Still haven't got over them sticking that live frog through the letter box
63 00:07:02,927 00:07:04,326 Nor has the frog Nor has the frog
64 00:07:05,647 00:07:09,481 Wondered what it was croaking away in my bath water yesterday morning Wondered what it was croaking away in my bath water yesterday morning
65 00:07:10,327 00:07:13,603 Thought at first it was that beans and toast I had for breakfast Thought at first it was that beans and toast I had for breakfast
66 00:07:16,127 00:07:20,245 Yes, well, of course, most people would realise it was a frog as soon as they'd picked it up, Yes, well, of course, most people would realise it was a frog as soon as they'd picked it up,
67 00:07:20,327 00:07:25,003 instead of spending two minutes trying to squash it onto a new bar of Palmolive instead of spending two minutes trying to squash it onto a new bar of Palmolive
68 00:07:30,527 00:07:32,324 Is there a cup left in here for me? Is there a cup left in here for me?
69 00:07:32,407 00:07:34,682 Oh, well, when you've finished with the Cadbury's fondue Oh, well, when you've finished with the Cadbury's fondue
70 00:07:35,327 00:07:40,447 But it felt like a piece of soap in the water and I hadn't got my glasses on But it felt like a piece of soap in the water and I hadn't got my glasses on
71 00:07:42,247 00:07:43,965 Anyway, how was your day? Anyway, how was your day?
72 00:07:44,047 00:07:46,720 You're late back Buses up the creek again? You're late back Buses up the creek again?
73 00:07:46,807 00:07:48,479 I didn't come straight back I didn't come straight back
74 00:07:48,567 00:07:52,446 I told you I was going to stop off to give old Mrs Tebbings another driving lesson I told you I was going to stop off to give old Mrs Tebbings another driving lesson
75 00:07:53,367 00:07:56,598 Taking a bit of a risk, weren't you? Going out with her after dark Taking a bit of a risk, weren't you? Going out with her after dark
76 00:07:56,687 00:07:59,599 Woman's got precious little sense of direction as it is Woman's got precious little sense of direction as it is
77 00:08:00,247 00:08:01,521 What's that supposed to mean? What's that supposed to mean?
78 00:08:01,607 00:08:05,486 Well, how many people do you know who sit in the lavatory facing the cistern? Well, how many people do you know who sit in the lavatory facing the cistern?
79 00:08:09,767 00:08:14,477 It took six lessons to stop her putting her hands in front of her eyes whenever she went downhill It took six lessons to stop her putting her hands in front of her eyes whenever she went downhill
80 00:08:16,167 00:08:19,523 All is well so long as she's happy to pay me a few quid All is well so long as she's happy to pay me a few quid
81 00:08:20,367 00:08:22,927 I suppose it gives her an interest in life I suppose it gives her an interest in life
82 00:08:23,007 00:08:25,805 Especially now her cat's getting a bit old and past it Especially now her cat's getting a bit old and past it
83 00:08:26,967 00:08:28,798 Now that its eyesight's going Now that its eyesight's going
84 00:08:30,087 00:08:32,965 Chased a mouse upstairs into the bathroom last week, Chased a mouse upstairs into the bathroom last week,
85 00:08:33,047 00:08:35,959 ended up nearly choking to death on a pumice stone ended up nearly choking to death on a pumice stone
86 00:08:39,527 00:08:42,246 She said she's thinking of getting it contact lenses She said she's thinking of getting it contact lenses
87 00:08:46,847 00:08:49,919 Contact lenses? For a cat? Contact lenses? For a cat?
88 00:08:50,687 00:08:52,723 How? What's she gonna do? How? What's she gonna do?
89 00:08:52,807 00:08:55,719 Show it a chart with different sized tins of Whiskas on? Show it a chart with different sized tins of Whiskas on?
90 00:08:57,407 00:09:00,444 Of course, you know the story, it wasn't even her cat in the first place Of course, you know the story, it wasn't even her cat in the first place
91 00:09:00,527 00:09:04,202 It just turned up in her garden one day with a little metal disc in the collar saying, It just turned up in her garden one day with a little metal disc in the collar saying,
92 00:09:04,287 00:09:06,960 ''If found, please return to so and so at this address'' ''If found, please return to so and so at this address''
93 00:09:07,047 00:09:09,402 -Know what she did? -Sent them back the collar -Know what she did? -Sent them back the collar
94 00:09:13,327 00:09:16,125 If you've ever heard anything so daffy If you've ever heard anything so daffy
95 00:09:22,127 00:09:24,641 So, what are you thinking? So, what are you thinking?
96 00:09:25,727 00:09:27,319 Is it the Peugeot still? Is it the Peugeot still?
97 00:09:28,287 00:09:31,836 Or the Astra possibly I'm not sure Or the Astra possibly I'm not sure
98 00:09:33,127 00:09:36,483 God Three months, is it, now? God Three months, is it, now?
99 00:09:39,127 00:09:43,723 I still can't believe anyone would steal your car outside a garden centre in Purley I still can't believe anyone would steal your car outside a garden centre in Purley
100 00:09:45,487 00:09:49,480 I know Just when I thought we were never gonna get rid of the bloody thing! I know Just when I thought we were never gonna get rid of the bloody thing!
101 00:09:52,127 00:09:56,325 Yes, it's been a complete disaster from the day we first bought it Yes, it's been a complete disaster from the day we first bought it
102 00:09:56,407 00:09:59,160 Never knew what was going to seize up next Never knew what was going to seize up next
103 00:09:59,247 00:10:00,236 And then And then
104 00:10:00,327 00:10:05,526 Oh, the bliss when we came out of that tea shop and discovered that some poor sod had nicked it Oh, the bliss when we came out of that tea shop and discovered that some poor sod had nicked it
105 00:10:08,527 00:10:12,315 It was like having a very unpleasant boil lanced It was like having a very unpleasant boil lanced
106 00:10:13,927 00:10:15,565 Do you realise Do you realise
107 00:10:18,047 00:10:20,561 Do you realise that for the first time in our lives Do you realise that for the first time in our lives
108 00:10:20,647 00:10:23,605 we're actually going to benefit from an insurance policy? we're actually going to benefit from an insurance policy?
109 00:10:23,687 00:10:24,722 (TELEPHONE RINGING) (TELEPHONE RINGING)
110 00:10:24,807 00:10:26,240 I'll get it I'll get it
111 00:10:30,007 00:10:31,520 (TYPING ON KEYBOARD) (TYPING ON KEYBOARD)
112 00:10:33,687 00:10:36,042 Are you nearly finished in there for tonight? Are you nearly finished in there for tonight?
113 00:10:36,807 00:10:39,401 Seven hours you've been at it now Seven hours you've been at it now
114 00:10:40,407 00:10:44,525 I said don't you think it's time you were taking Denzil out for his walk? I said don't you think it's time you were taking Denzil out for his walk?
115 00:10:46,007 00:10:47,235 Oh Oh
116 00:10:47,327 00:10:50,285 Well, that's just perfect, isn't it? Well, that's just perfect, isn't it?
117 00:10:51,927 00:10:53,121 What's the problem? What's the problem?
118 00:11:00,367 00:11:04,883 There are other things he needs to do out there besides walk, you know There are other things he needs to do out there besides walk, you know
119 00:11:05,167 00:11:08,842 I'm not blowing this presentation to Leibnitz and Wang for anything I'm not blowing this presentation to Leibnitz and Wang for anything
120 00:11:08,927 00:11:12,317 If I get this contract, it could mean the difference between life and death If I get this contract, it could mean the difference between life and death
121 00:11:12,407 00:11:16,844 We could drop the price on this house and move next door to something vaguely human We could drop the price on this house and move next door to something vaguely human
122 00:11:16,927 00:11:19,487 Something that has a reflection in a mirror Something that has a reflection in a mirror
123 00:11:19,607 00:11:21,757 VICTOR: Oh, no! VICTOR: Oh, no!
124 00:11:24,367 00:11:26,722 What What do you mean? What What do you mean?
125 00:11:26,807 00:11:30,402 This is the absolute bloody limit This is the absolute bloody limit
126 00:11:30,967 00:11:32,400 I mean I mean
127 00:11:32,887 00:11:34,525 For God's sake For God's sake
128 00:11:34,767 00:11:37,679 6:2 7 Early one tonight 6:2 7 Early one tonight
129 00:11:38,207 00:11:40,926 VICTOR: In the name of sanity! VICTOR: In the name of sanity!
130 00:11:41,687 00:11:46,158 Oh! Tell me that I'm still asleep, that this is just a bad dream Oh! Tell me that I'm still asleep, that this is just a bad dream
131 00:11:46,327 00:11:49,046 You're not asleep It's not a dream You're not asleep It's not a dream
132 00:11:49,127 00:11:51,357 They've found our car! They've found our car!
133 00:11:53,927 00:11:56,760 And it's not my bloody fault! And it's not my bloody fault!
134 00:11:57,367 00:12:00,518 After three months? Whereabouts? After three months? Whereabouts?
135 00:12:02,247 00:12:03,839 Whereabouts? Whereabouts?
136 00:12:04,607 00:12:05,722 Finland Finland
137 00:12:15,927 00:12:18,805 Are you stark raving mad? Are you stark raving mad?
138 00:12:19,687 00:12:23,043 Finland? That car couldn't get to Finchley! Finland? That car couldn't get to Finchley!
139 00:12:24,887 00:12:28,357 What did they do? Tow it there with a team of reindeer? What did they do? Tow it there with a team of reindeer?
140 00:12:29,047 00:12:31,117 I'm just telling you what he said I'm just telling you what he said
141 00:12:31,967 00:12:35,437 He said a local woodcutter found it abandoned in the middle of a forest He said a local woodcutter found it abandoned in the middle of a forest
142 00:12:35,527 00:12:38,519 still with our plants and boxes of Phostrogen on the back seat still with our plants and boxes of Phostrogen on the back seat
143 00:12:39,367 00:12:43,280 He said they've kept his name and address in case we want to give him a reward He said they've kept his name and address in case we want to give him a reward
144 00:12:43,367 00:12:47,201 Give him a reward? I'll give him a bloody thick ear if I ever see him! Give him a reward? I'll give him a bloody thick ear if I ever see him!
145 00:12:50,167 00:12:53,284 Who would want to go to Finland in the first place? Who would want to go to Finland in the first place?
146 00:12:53,367 00:12:55,403 I don't know! I don't know!
147 00:12:55,487 00:12:58,320 Here, ring Judith Chalmers Here, ring Judith Chalmers
148 00:12:59,407 00:13:02,558 While I go and put your socks in the grill pan! While I go and put your socks in the grill pan!
149 00:13:06,007 00:13:07,440 Thank you Thank you
150 00:13:07,527 00:13:12,043 Thank you, St Total Bastard, the patron saint of insurance companies Thank you, St Total Bastard, the patron saint of insurance companies
151 00:13:18,927 00:13:21,043 I don't know why I bother I don't know why I bother
152 00:13:32,047 00:13:33,844 Is it drivable still or what? Is it drivable still or what?
153 00:13:33,927 00:13:36,487 Well, it's supposed to be, according to Well, it's supposed to be, according to
154 00:13:36,567 00:13:38,125 (EXCLAIMING) (EXCLAIMING)
155 00:13:39,207 00:13:43,962 Look at this For crying out loud Look at this For crying out loud
156 00:13:45,887 00:13:50,483 MARGARET: The man who sold it to us did say it was a very fast-growing variety MARGARET: The man who sold it to us did say it was a very fast-growing variety
157 00:13:51,407 00:13:53,318 Fast-growing variety? Fast-growing variety?
158 00:13:54,127 00:13:58,405 I mean, you think they'd have had the sense to prune it now and again Look at it I mean, you think they'd have had the sense to prune it now and again Look at it
159 00:13:59,647 00:14:03,196 Clings like bloody Super Glue, this stuff Clings like bloody Super Glue, this stuff
160 00:14:03,407 00:14:06,683 Yes, well, Patrick and Pippa have offered me a lift in So Yes, well, Patrick and Pippa have offered me a lift in So
161 00:14:06,767 00:14:10,601 I think they're having lunch with one of his business clients or something I think they're having lunch with one of his business clients or something
162 00:14:10,687 00:14:12,678 Ready when you are, Margaret Ready when you are, Margaret
163 00:14:13,607 00:14:15,120 Coming Coming
164 00:14:15,207 00:14:17,926 -You need anything while I'm out? -Yes -You need anything while I'm out? -Yes
165 00:14:18,007 00:14:21,158 You can see if Halfords do a large and very hungry goat You can see if Halfords do a large and very hungry goat
166 00:14:26,887 00:14:30,038 -Thanks a lot, Pippa That's just the job -You're very welcome -Thanks a lot, Pippa That's just the job -You're very welcome
167 00:14:30,127 00:14:33,164 Oh, Patrick, don't forget your presentation Oh, Patrick, don't forget your presentation
168 00:14:33,847 00:14:36,805 Oh, Margaret, I know what I meant to say Oh, Margaret, I know what I meant to say
169 00:14:36,887 00:14:40,436 I think I've got a pair of Y-fronts belonging to you at home I think I've got a pair of Y-fronts belonging to you at home
170 00:14:40,527 00:14:43,564 They must have blown across into the garden the other night They must have blown across into the garden the other night
171 00:14:43,647 00:14:48,084 Thought when I was ironing them, I didn't think Patrick had a pair with a blue waistband Thought when I was ironing them, I didn't think Patrick had a pair with a blue waistband
172 00:14:48,167 00:14:50,840 Anyway, I put them to one side in the bedroom Anyway, I put them to one side in the bedroom
173 00:14:50,927 00:14:53,361 -Pop them round later, all right? -There's no rush -Pop them round later, all right? -There's no rush
174 00:14:53,447 00:14:56,007 Bye, then I hope it all goes well for you Bye, then I hope it all goes well for you
175 00:14:58,527 00:15:00,677 Look, is that them? Look, is that them?
176 00:15:02,087 00:15:04,043 A blue waistband? A blue waistband?
177 00:15:04,687 00:15:06,166 What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you?
178 00:15:07,247 00:15:11,763 This is the mother of all nightmares you pray will never happen This is the mother of all nightmares you pray will never happen
179 00:15:12,327 00:15:17,117 I'm about to go into the most important business meeting in my career I'm about to go into the most important business meeting in my career
180 00:15:17,207 00:15:19,641 wearing Victor Meldrew's underpants wearing Victor Meldrew's underpants
181 00:15:20,607 00:15:23,565 You what Oh, you didn't put You what Oh, you didn't put
182 00:15:24,967 00:15:26,605 Anyway, look Anyway, look
183 00:15:28,807 00:15:31,082 -Come on, they've seen us -I can't move -Come on, they've seen us -I can't move
184 00:15:31,167 00:15:33,920 My entire genital area has gone into trauma My entire genital area has gone into trauma
185 00:15:34,607 00:15:38,964 For goodness sake, pull yourself together and remember who you're meeting For goodness sake, pull yourself together and remember who you're meeting
186 00:15:44,967 00:15:48,482 This must be how John Hurt felt with that alien in his stomach This must be how John Hurt felt with that alien in his stomach
187 00:16:08,687 00:16:10,120 Little buggers Little buggers
188 00:16:19,007 00:16:20,804 (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
189 00:16:21,607 00:16:24,326 Mrs Blithery, how are you today? Mrs Blithery, how are you today?
190 00:16:30,607 00:16:31,801 (CAR HORN HONKING) (CAR HORN HONKING)
191 00:16:31,887 00:16:33,161 (TYRES SCREECHING) (TYRES SCREECHING)
192 00:16:33,247 00:16:35,044 (CRASHING) (CRASHING)
193 00:16:38,687 00:16:40,405 Bloody car Bloody car
194 00:16:42,807 00:16:45,162 Finland of all the places Finland of all the places
195 00:16:47,807 00:16:51,482 It's a wonder we haven't heard from the astronauts in the space shuttle It's a wonder we haven't heard from the astronauts in the space shuttle
196 00:16:51,567 00:16:52,966 ''Hello, Mr Meldrew ''Hello, Mr Meldrew
197 00:16:53,047 00:16:56,642 ''We just found a D registration Honda up here orbiting the earth ''We just found a D registration Honda up here orbiting the earth
198 00:16:56,727 00:16:59,116 ''We think it might belong to you'' ''We think it might belong to you''
199 00:17:00,247 00:17:03,557 Oh, by the way, I forgot to say Oh, by the way, I forgot to say
200 00:17:03,887 00:17:06,606 I solved the mystery of that practical joker I solved the mystery of that practical joker
201 00:17:06,687 00:17:08,917 You know, the rubber hand You know, the rubber hand
202 00:17:09,007 00:17:11,237 and the crackers and the frog and everything and the crackers and the frog and everything
203 00:17:11,327 00:17:14,683 Apparently, it was that Mr Grimwade's children Apparently, it was that Mr Grimwade's children
204 00:17:14,767 00:17:17,998 You know, two doors down from the post office Do you know them? You know, two doors down from the post office Do you know them?
205 00:17:18,087 00:17:20,555 I can't say as I do, no I can't say as I do, no
206 00:17:20,647 00:17:22,558 No, I didn't remember him No, I didn't remember him
207 00:17:22,647 00:17:25,764 Anyway, he came up to me in Asda's today Anyway, he came up to me in Asda's today
208 00:17:25,847 00:17:29,317 and said he couldn't apologise enough for their behaviour and said he couldn't apologise enough for their behaviour
209 00:17:29,407 00:17:32,604 and he was gonna make certain that it never happened again, and he was gonna make certain that it never happened again,
210 00:17:32,687 00:17:34,917 which I thought was very decent of him which I thought was very decent of him
211 00:17:36,887 00:17:38,605 Oh, no Oh, no
212 00:17:42,367 00:17:44,676 It depends if they take any notice It depends if they take any notice
213 00:17:50,967 00:17:55,245 We'll be finding severed heads under the rockery now, I expect, before long We'll be finding severed heads under the rockery now, I expect, before long
214 00:17:55,487 00:17:57,079 Ruddy vandals Ruddy vandals
215 00:17:59,487 00:18:02,684 I thought the weatherman said it was gonna be a bit warmer tonight I thought the weatherman said it was gonna be a bit warmer tonight
216 00:18:04,607 00:18:07,167 -What were you looking at? -Nothing -What were you looking at? -Nothing
217 00:18:07,687 00:18:09,439 Where's my cup of tea? Where's my cup of tea?
218 00:18:09,527 00:18:11,438 What were you looking at? What were you looking at?
219 00:18:12,967 00:18:16,482 I think Mr and Mrs Aylesbury are having one of their parties I think Mr and Mrs Aylesbury are having one of their parties
220 00:18:18,207 00:18:21,040 Oh, no! Oh, no!
221 00:18:21,647 00:18:24,366 (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
222 00:18:28,287 00:18:30,482 Oh, God Oh, God
223 00:18:31,247 00:18:33,556 I can't take much more of this! I can't take much more of this!
224 00:18:34,407 00:18:37,160 2:30 in the morning 2:30 in the morning
225 00:18:48,887 00:18:50,843 (MUSIC STOPS) (MUSIC STOPS)
226 00:19:03,327 00:19:04,726 Ahh Ahh
227 00:19:05,487 00:19:07,478 (THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING) (THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING)
228 00:19:09,807 00:19:13,277 Oh, in the name of mercy! Oh, in the name of mercy!
229 00:19:27,607 00:19:29,723 (GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS) (GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS)
230 00:19:29,807 00:19:33,163 God! Good God God! Good God
231 00:20:05,767 00:20:08,327 (GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS) (GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS)
232 00:20:08,407 00:20:11,399 It's more than flesh and blood can stand! It's more than flesh and blood can stand!
233 00:20:12,647 00:20:15,286 I don't know how on earth you can sleep through it I don't know how on earth you can sleep through it
234 00:20:15,367 00:20:17,676 Margaret? Margaret! Margaret? Margaret!
235 00:20:17,767 00:20:19,086 What? What?
236 00:20:20,567 00:20:22,842 I was just getting off then I was just getting off then
237 00:20:22,927 00:20:26,681 Not an ounce of consideration for anyone but themselves Not an ounce of consideration for anyone but themselves
238 00:20:26,847 00:20:30,123 Look at that There's half a dozen of them on the front lawn now Look at that There's half a dozen of them on the front lawn now
239 00:20:30,207 00:20:32,357 doing Chuck Berry duck walks doing Chuck Berry duck walks
240 00:20:33,127 00:20:34,606 Shut up! Shut up!
241 00:20:34,687 00:20:36,803 Oh, come back to bed Oh, come back to bed
242 00:20:38,287 00:20:41,836 No one else in this street is remotely bothered, only us No one else in this street is remotely bothered, only us
243 00:20:42,247 00:20:43,885 (SIGHS LOUDLY) (SIGHS LOUDLY)
244 00:20:45,887 00:20:48,355 Oh, hang on Here's one that's got away Oh, hang on Here's one that's got away
245 00:20:48,447 00:20:52,599 I'm gonna have that Come here, matey That's got you! I'm gonna have that Come here, matey That's got you!
246 00:20:53,447 00:20:55,517 Now where's that safety pin? Now where's that safety pin?
247 00:20:58,967 00:21:01,720 That's made you feel a whole lot better, has it? That's made you feel a whole lot better, has it?
248 00:21:02,567 00:21:04,444 Very slightly, yes Very slightly, yes
249 00:21:05,567 00:21:10,482 It's getting on for 3:00 They can't go on for much longer It's getting on for 3:00 They can't go on for much longer
250 00:21:10,567 00:21:14,446 Another half hour and they'll all have packed up and gone home Another half hour and they'll all have packed up and gone home
251 00:21:14,567 00:21:17,161 Just have a bit of patience Just have a bit of patience
252 00:21:22,447 00:21:25,007 (GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS) (GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS)
253 00:21:34,207 00:21:36,004 (BIRDS CHIRPING) (BIRDS CHIRPING)
254 00:21:37,447 00:21:39,563 Don't tell me they've stopped Don't tell me they've stopped
255 00:21:43,007 00:21:45,202 9:30 in the morning 9:30 in the morning
256 00:21:46,087 00:21:49,284 I can't have had more than an hour's sleep in the entire night I can't have had more than an hour's sleep in the entire night
257 00:21:49,727 00:21:52,161 Well, at least it's Sunday today Well, at least it's Sunday today
258 00:21:52,887 00:21:56,846 We've no reason to get up before lunch time Just be thankful for that We've no reason to get up before lunch time Just be thankful for that
259 00:21:58,247 00:21:59,521 That's a nice thought That's a nice thought
260 00:22:05,007 00:22:06,486 (TELEPHONE RINGING) (TELEPHONE RINGING)
261 00:22:13,167 00:22:14,486
263 262 00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:16,603 MAN: Good morning. Mr Meldrew? 00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:16,603 MAN: Good morning. Mr Meldrew?
262 00:22:17,647 00:22:18,796 Speaking Speaking
263 00:22:20,047 00:22:21,605 It's Mr Foskett It's Mr Foskett
264 00:22:21,687 00:22:23,200 Oh, you're joking? Oh, you're joking?
265 00:22:23,287 00:22:25,881 Here's a memory test for you, Mr Meldrew. Here's a memory test for you, Mr Meldrew.
266 00:22:25,967 00:22:29,516 I wonder if you can cast your mind back over 1 7 years I wonder if you can cast your mind back over 1 7 years
267 00:22:29,607 00:22:32,838 to Mrs Mosley's guesthouse in Western-Super-Mare? to Mrs Mosley's guesthouse in Western-Super-Mare?
268 00:22:32,927 00:22:36,283 And I wonder if you remember the small man with the moustache And I wonder if you remember the small man with the moustache
269 00:22:36,367 00:22:40,155 who had to walk through your bedroom every night to get to the toilet? who had to walk through your bedroom every night to get to the toilet?
270 00:22:40,247 00:22:42,522 1 7 years ago last summer it was. 1 7 years ago last summer it was.
271 00:22:42,607 00:22:45,758 How about if I say the name Mr Foskett? How about if I say the name Mr Foskett?
272 00:22:46,367 00:22:51,680 Mr Foskett, fancy hearing from you after all this time Mr Foskett, fancy hearing from you after all this time
273 00:22:51,807 00:22:55,516 Well, you said if I was ever in the vicinity to be sure to look you up so... Well, you said if I was ever in the vicinity to be sure to look you up so...
274 00:22:56,047 00:22:57,036 Yes Yes
275 00:22:57,127 00:23:00,483 Obviously I wouldn't just descend on you without giving you a ring first. Obviously I wouldn't just descend on you without giving you a ring first.
276 00:23:00,567 00:23:04,401 No, no, so where are you at the moment? No, no, so where are you at the moment?
277 00:23:04,487 00:23:06,398 I'm outside your front door. I'm outside your front door.
278 00:23:07,807 00:23:11,038 Yes, I'm on the mobile. They're wonderful things, aren't they? Yes, I'm on the mobile. They're wonderful things, aren't they?
279 00:23:11,127 00:23:12,355 (DOORBELL RINGING) (DOORBELL RINGING)
280 00:23:12,447 00:23:14,836 Oh, sorry, I just knocked your doorbell. Oh, sorry, I just knocked your doorbell.
281 00:23:14,927 00:23:17,236 He's here He's outside He's here He's outside
282 00:23:17,727 00:23:22,323 Yes. I thought I better give him a buzz first, make sure he's still alive. Yes. I thought I better give him a buzz first, make sure he's still alive.
283 00:23:22,407 00:23:24,079 He'll not thank me otherwise... He'll not thank me otherwise...
284 00:23:24,167 00:23:28,399 Yes, hang on a minute, Mr Foskett We'll be right down Yes, hang on a minute, Mr Foskett We'll be right down
285 00:23:29,327 00:23:32,717 That's all we needed Where are my trousers? That's all we needed Where are my trousers?
286 00:23:33,167 00:23:36,318 What are we? Cursed this bloody weekend? What are we? Cursed this bloody weekend?
287 00:23:43,087 00:23:47,000 Mr Foskett, as I live and breathe Are you well? Mr Foskett, as I live and breathe Are you well?
288 00:23:47,087 00:23:49,396 You're sure I've not caught you at an awkward moment or anything? You're sure I've not caught you at an awkward moment or anything?
289 00:23:49,487 00:23:51,125 My God You lost some hair My God You lost some hair
290 00:23:51,207 00:23:54,199 Still, we've all of us changed, haven't we? There's me now, the father of two Still, we've all of us changed, haven't we? There's me now, the father of two
291 00:23:54,287 00:23:55,800 Can you believe it? Can you believe it?
292 00:23:55,887 00:23:58,321 Sometimes, you know, I do believe Mrs Meldrew Sometimes, you know, I do believe Mrs Meldrew
293 00:23:58,407 00:24:02,639 -Remember me? Face from the past -Mr Foskett My gosh -Remember me? Face from the past -Mr Foskett My gosh
294 00:24:03,247 00:24:05,807 Well, come on, Victor, are we going to let them in? Well, come on, Victor, are we going to let them in?
295 00:24:05,887 00:24:09,004 Oh, yes Yes, in you come Oh, yes Yes, in you come
296 00:24:10,927 00:24:12,042 That's it That's it
297 00:24:13,207 00:24:16,517 I was just saying I can't imagine being without them now I was just saying I can't imagine being without them now
298 00:24:16,607 00:24:20,282 Young David and Martin They really light up my life Young David and Martin They really light up my life
299 00:24:20,527 00:24:23,997 They give me Oh, I don't know, such a sense of purpose, They give me Oh, I don't know, such a sense of purpose,
300 00:24:24,087 00:24:26,123 a fulfilment that words can't express a fulfilment that words can't express
301 00:24:27,287 00:24:31,758 Yes, well, why don't I go and make some coffee? Yes, well, why don't I go and make some coffee?
302 00:24:32,727 00:24:35,241 Have you had any breakfast at all yet? Have you had any breakfast at all yet?
303 00:24:40,007 00:24:42,316 Since we were down here visiting my wife's sister, Since we were down here visiting my wife's sister,
304 00:24:42,407 00:24:45,843 who's just moved into a little cottage in Wigston Parva, just off the 51 20, who's just moved into a little cottage in Wigston Parva, just off the 51 20,
305 00:24:45,927 00:24:48,122 I don't know if you know it Anyway, I thought, why not? I don't know if you know it Anyway, I thought, why not?
306 00:24:48,207 00:24:49,640 Of course, you hesitate at first Of course, you hesitate at first
307 00:24:49,727 00:24:51,957 'cause people don't always wanna see you after 1 7 years 'cause people don't always wanna see you after 1 7 years
308 00:24:52,047 00:24:55,357 For all I know, you may be praying you never set eyes on me again For all I know, you may be praying you never set eyes on me again
309 00:24:58,887 00:25:02,721 I think it's nice if you can meet up with people, don't you? However long it's been I think it's nice if you can meet up with people, don't you? However long it's been
310 00:25:02,807 00:25:06,846 Oh, by the way, that address you gave me doesn't actually exist Oh, by the way, that address you gave me doesn't actually exist
311 00:25:10,967 00:25:12,844 I thought that a bit odd at first, but I thought that a bit odd at first, but
312 00:25:12,927 00:25:15,725 Well, I expect I must have copied it down wrong somewhere along the line Well, I expect I must have copied it down wrong somewhere along the line
313 00:25:15,807 00:25:19,163 Anyway, thank goodness for the old phone book, eh? 'Cause here I am Anyway, thank goodness for the old phone book, eh? 'Cause here I am
314 00:25:19,247 00:25:23,206 So, how you been keeping? You still got that job on the security desk? So, how you been keeping? You still got that job on the security desk?
315 00:25:23,287 00:25:24,606 No As a matter of fact No As a matter of fact
316 00:25:24,687 00:25:27,963 Of course, it was just after that summer holiday that my wife left me Of course, it was just after that summer holiday that my wife left me
317 00:25:28,047 00:25:29,958 Penelope, for another man Penelope, for another man
318 00:25:30,047 00:25:33,483 To say I couldn't deal with it, oh, that's the understatement of all time To say I couldn't deal with it, oh, that's the understatement of all time
319 00:25:33,567 00:25:36,240 You know that feeling when the world just seems to stop turning? You know that feeling when the world just seems to stop turning?
320 00:25:36,327 00:25:38,602 I lost me job, was on all sorts of medication, I lost me job, was on all sorts of medication,
321 00:25:38,687 00:25:41,759 and in the space of three years I tried to kill meself 1 3 times, and in the space of three years I tried to kill meself 1 3 times,
322 00:25:41,847 00:25:43,838 which I won't depress you with now which I won't depress you with now
323 00:25:44,727 00:25:47,446 Six attempted overdoses, two exhaust jobs, Six attempted overdoses, two exhaust jobs,
324 00:25:47,527 00:25:51,156 three times I tried to jump off the roof, but they always talked me down three times I tried to jump off the roof, but they always talked me down
325 00:25:51,247 00:25:54,637 I expect that begs the question of how serious you are I expect that begs the question of how serious you are
326 00:25:54,727 00:25:58,163 and, of course, I won't show you the scars on me wrist Look at that and, of course, I won't show you the scars on me wrist Look at that
327 00:25:59,647 00:26:01,797 Actually it's a miracle I survived Actually it's a miracle I survived
328 00:26:01,887 00:26:05,880 Anyway, one day in she walked, the new love of my life Anyway, one day in she walked, the new love of my life
329 00:26:05,967 00:26:10,119 Loretta We got married, had two of the loveliest children on this earth Loretta We got married, had two of the loveliest children on this earth
330 00:26:10,207 00:26:12,243 I can't believe what it's done for me I can't believe what it's done for me
331 00:26:12,327 00:26:15,524 It's a shame that she's got a migraine today I'd love you to see her sometime It's a shame that she's got a migraine today I'd love you to see her sometime
332 00:26:15,607 00:26:19,998 Anyway, enough of my life story What's been happening to you all this while? Anyway, enough of my life story What's been happening to you all this while?
333 00:26:20,647 00:26:24,435 -Ah, well -Oh, that was a funny old place, wasn't it? -Ah, well -Oh, that was a funny old place, wasn't it?
334 00:26:24,607 00:26:26,837 That guesthouse That guesthouse
335 00:26:26,927 00:26:30,681 Do you remember that mynah bird that used to impersonate Kenneth Wolstenholme? Do you remember that mynah bird that used to impersonate Kenneth Wolstenholme?
336 00:26:31,087 00:26:33,123 which, of course, is quite a turn-up for the books, which, of course, is quite a turn-up for the books,
337 00:26:33,207 00:26:36,244 after 46 years to find you're allergic to Sellotape after 46 years to find you're allergic to Sellotape
338 00:26:37,367 00:26:40,882 So, then they had to transfer me to the invoicing department So, then they had to transfer me to the invoicing department
339 00:26:40,967 00:26:43,686 where I stayed for another seven months and that was that where I stayed for another seven months and that was that
340 00:26:43,767 00:26:47,965 I didn't really mind when the time came I've never been short of outside interest I didn't really mind when the time came I've never been short of outside interest
341 00:26:48,047 00:26:52,120 And, of course, my passion for antique dentures remains undiminished And, of course, my passion for antique dentures remains undiminished
342 00:26:52,207 00:26:54,801 Are there anymore of those jam tarts? Are there anymore of those jam tarts?
343 00:26:54,887 00:26:56,843 Hmm? What? Oh Hang on Hmm? What? Oh Hang on
344 00:26:57,527 00:27:00,087 Healthy old appetite they've got for their age, haven't they? Healthy old appetite they've got for their age, haven't they?
345 00:27:00,167 00:27:03,443 Yes, I think it must be nigh on 300 pairs I have now Yes, I think it must be nigh on 300 pairs I have now
346 00:27:04,127 00:27:05,924 It's been a long while since I counted them last It's been a long while since I counted them last
347 00:27:06,007 00:27:10,285 -Sorry? -My collection of false teeth -Sorry? -My collection of false teeth
348 00:27:10,847 00:27:13,202 I don't suppose that's something that interests you I don't suppose that's something that interests you
349 00:27:13,287 00:27:15,198 Bit of an obscure hobby, really Bit of an obscure hobby, really
350 00:27:15,287 00:27:18,597 Yes No I mean, no, no, no, it sounds absolutely fascinating Yes No I mean, no, no, no, it sounds absolutely fascinating
351 00:27:18,767 00:27:24,080 Yeah, well, the oldest set I've got dates back to the 1 830s Yeah, well, the oldest set I've got dates back to the 1 830s
352 00:27:24,167 00:27:26,965 and belonged, we think, to an Italian nobleman and belonged, we think, to an Italian nobleman
353 00:27:27,047 00:27:29,607 who had a rather unusual contour to his upper palate who had a rather unusual contour to his upper palate
354 00:27:30,167 00:27:34,240 Perhaps if you've got an afternoon free, you'd like to come up and have a look Perhaps if you've got an afternoon free, you'd like to come up and have a look
355 00:27:34,327 00:27:37,205 Yeah, that would be a treat indeed, Mr Foskett Yeah, that would be a treat indeed, Mr Foskett
356 00:27:38,487 00:27:43,515 -Actually, I don't want to be slightly rude -Oh, my goodness me, is that the time? -Actually, I don't want to be slightly rude -Oh, my goodness me, is that the time?
357 00:27:44,127 00:27:48,040 Oh, talk about outstaying your welcome When I go rattling on, I don't know Oh, talk about outstaying your welcome When I go rattling on, I don't know
358 00:27:48,127 00:27:50,482 Yes, that's all right Yes, that's all right
359 00:27:50,847 00:27:52,724 I just have to make a quick phone call, if I may, I just have to make a quick phone call, if I may,
360 00:27:52,807 00:27:55,719 to see how Loretta and the boys are getting on and then I'll be on my way to see how Loretta and the boys are getting on and then I'll be on my way
361 00:27:55,807 00:27:57,638 -Yes, right -Right -Yes, right -Right
362 00:27:59,727 00:28:01,479 (SIGHING) (SIGHING)
363 00:28:08,367 00:28:09,880 What did you say? What did you say?
364 00:28:10,047 00:28:12,402 -Sorry? -Loretta and the boys? -Sorry? -Loretta and the boys?
365 00:28:12,727 00:28:17,437 Yes, my two sons, David and Martin I mentioned them earlier Don't you remember? Yes, my two sons, David and Martin I mentioned them earlier Don't you remember?
366 00:28:17,527 00:28:21,236 Well, yes, but they're in there surely Well, yes, but they're in there surely
367 00:28:21,567 00:28:23,285 What, my two sons? What, my two sons?
368 00:28:23,367 00:28:26,518 No! My boys are only three and four No! My boys are only three and four
369 00:28:26,607 00:28:29,883 I hope they've got better table manners than those two I hope they've got better table manners than those two
370 00:28:29,967 00:28:33,642 Well, I assumed You mean, they're not your grandchildren? Well, I assumed You mean, they're not your grandchildren?
371 00:28:35,527 00:28:37,358 Grandchildren? Grandchildren?
372 00:28:42,967 00:28:46,880 You two! Who the bloody hell are you, for goodness sakes? You two! Who the bloody hell are you, for goodness sakes?
373 00:28:46,967 00:28:48,844 -Ian Grimwade -Neil Grimwade -Ian Grimwade -Neil Grimwade
374 00:28:49,247 00:28:52,239 -Grimwade? -What the hell are you doing in my house? -Grimwade? -What the hell are you doing in my house?
375 00:28:52,447 00:28:54,039 Dad told us to come round Dad told us to come round
376 00:28:54,127 00:28:57,437 He said we had to apologise for freaking you out with the frog He said we had to apologise for freaking you out with the frog
377 00:28:57,527 00:28:59,404 and the snowman and all that and the snowman and all that
378 00:28:59,487 00:29:01,682 You've eaten half the food in our larder! You've eaten half the food in our larder!
379 00:29:02,167 00:29:03,919 You gave it to us You gave it to us
380 00:29:04,007 00:29:06,760 Get out! Go on, you greedy little gannets Get out! Go on, you greedy little gannets
381 00:29:07,087 00:29:10,397 Coming round here like a swarm of army ants Coming round here like a swarm of army ants
382 00:29:10,487 00:29:11,920 Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!
383 00:29:12,247 00:29:13,680 Can we have our hand back? Can we have our hand back?
384 00:29:13,767 00:29:16,201 You'll get my hand if I ever see you round here again You'll get my hand if I ever see you round here again
385 00:29:16,287 00:29:20,200 And you can keep away from our garage in future as well while you're at it! And you can keep away from our garage in future as well while you're at it!
386 00:29:20,287 00:29:22,198 You miserable old git! You miserable old git!
387 00:29:22,527 00:29:25,644 Don't go in there for a minute I'll get that dustpan Don't go in there for a minute I'll get that dustpan
388 00:29:30,687 00:29:33,121 Something the matter? You all right? Something the matter? You all right?
389 00:29:33,847 00:29:35,246 She's gone She's gone
390 00:29:36,007 00:29:38,316 Gone? Gone where? Gone? Gone where?
391 00:29:39,367 00:29:42,484 She's left me She didn't say where She's left me She didn't say where
392 00:29:43,607 00:29:47,680 Just told her sister to tell me that it wasn't working anymore Just told her sister to tell me that it wasn't working anymore
393 00:29:49,007 00:29:51,726 and the boys would be better off without me and the boys would be better off without me
394 00:29:53,127 00:29:55,516 She didn't have a migraine after all She didn't have a migraine after all
395 00:29:58,687 00:29:59,836 Sorry Sorry
396 00:30:00,927 00:30:02,918 Are you okay? You look a bit faint Are you okay? You look a bit faint
397 00:30:03,007 00:30:04,998 No, I'm fine No, I'm fine
398 00:30:05,087 00:30:07,521 I'll just have a glass of water, if I may I'll just have a glass of water, if I may
399 00:30:14,847 00:30:16,644 (CRASHING) (CRASHING)
400 00:30:25,927 00:30:29,124 I was wondering if we should ring for a taxi or something I was wondering if we should ring for a taxi or something
401 00:30:29,207 00:30:30,879 Is he out of the bath yet? Is he out of the bath yet?
402 00:30:31,527 00:30:35,156 I think he must be having a good soak up there I thought it best not to disturb him I think he must be having a good soak up there I thought it best not to disturb him
403 00:30:35,247 00:30:36,566 I suppose I suppose
404 00:30:37,127 00:30:39,243 -He hasn't locked the bathroom door? -Why? -He hasn't locked the bathroom door? -Why?
405 00:30:40,407 00:30:43,763 The man's tried to kill himself 1 3 times as it is The man's tried to kill himself 1 3 times as it is
406 00:30:44,127 00:30:45,879 A thing like this I mean A thing like this I mean
407 00:30:45,967 00:30:48,800 Well, you could see how close to the edge he was Well, you could see how close to the edge he was
408 00:30:49,567 00:30:51,478 What if he gets in the medicine cabinet? What if he gets in the medicine cabinet?
409 00:30:51,567 00:30:54,127 Oh, for goodness sake You've been watching too many soap operas Oh, for goodness sake You've been watching too many soap operas
410 00:30:54,207 00:30:57,438 What's he gonna do? Hang himself with some dental floss? What's he gonna do? Hang himself with some dental floss?
411 00:31:18,167 00:31:19,520 VICTOR: God VICTOR: God
412 00:31:20,367 00:31:22,278 Don't move! Don't move!
413 00:31:24,607 00:31:28,043 Just stay perfectly still! Just stay perfectly still!
414 00:31:30,447 00:31:32,358 There's no point, Mr Meldrew There's no point, Mr Meldrew
415 00:31:32,807 00:31:34,763 There's no point anymore There's no point anymore
416 00:31:35,367 00:31:39,121 Just stop, just for a second, Just stop, just for a second,
417 00:31:39,207 00:31:40,879 while we talk about this while we talk about this
418 00:31:44,927 00:31:47,487 (WHISPERING) I'll phone the fire brigade (WHISPERING) I'll phone the fire brigade
419 00:31:53,527 00:31:55,836 (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING)
420 00:31:56,127 00:31:58,595 River Bank Yes River Bank Yes
421 00:31:59,487 00:32:03,321 I don't know It sounds as if we may be too late already I don't know It sounds as if we may be too late already
422 00:32:14,207 00:32:16,323 Try not to move Try not to move
423 00:32:16,687 00:32:19,485 Get the ladder I'm coming back Get the ladder I'm coming back
424 00:32:30,327 00:32:32,045 Please hurry! Please hurry!
425 00:32:34,687 00:32:39,283 And with the cost of office space these days, it means a considerable saving in overhead, And with the cost of office space these days, it means a considerable saving in overhead,
426 00:32:39,407 00:32:43,286 which I am more than delighted to reflect in my proposed fee which I am more than delighted to reflect in my proposed fee
427 00:32:43,367 00:32:44,959 Anyway, Anyway,
428 00:32:45,047 00:32:46,685 here we are here we are
429 00:32:46,767 00:32:52,239 If you are agreeable, the nerve centre for the new auditor of Leibnitz and Wang If you are agreeable, the nerve centre for the new auditor of Leibnitz and Wang
430 00:32:53,407 00:32:55,318 Do either of you have any questions? Do either of you have any questions?
431 00:33:19,807 00:33:21,160 No? Fine No? Fine
432 00:33:21,247 00:33:24,717 Well, let me take you back down, then, and give you both a top-up Well, let me take you back down, then, and give you both a top-up
433 00:33:37,327 00:33:39,636 Did you bring that bag in with the chicken? Did you bring that bag in with the chicken?
434 00:33:39,727 00:33:41,160 I did, yes I did, yes
435 00:33:41,607 00:33:44,565 -Did you lock the car up afterwards? -I didn't, no -Did you lock the car up afterwards? -I didn't, no
436 00:33:44,647 00:33:46,558 Did you remember to leave the keys in the ignition? Did you remember to leave the keys in the ignition?
437 00:33:46,647 00:33:48,205 I did, yes I did, yes
438 00:33:50,087 00:33:54,000 God knows why people keep bringing the bloody things back God knows why people keep bringing the bloody things back
439 00:33:54,087 00:33:57,318 ''Excuse me Did you know you left your keys in the car? ''Excuse me Did you know you left your keys in the car?
440 00:33:57,407 00:34:00,240 ''Someone could easily steal it like that, you know'' ''Someone could easily steal it like that, you know''
441 00:34:00,327 00:34:02,124 Chance would be a fine thing Chance would be a fine thing
442 00:34:03,687 00:34:05,245 What's that? What's that?
443 00:34:05,847 00:34:09,237 Someone tried to deliver a parcel apparently They've left it next door Someone tried to deliver a parcel apparently They've left it next door
444 00:34:17,527 00:34:19,040 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
445 00:34:28,967 00:34:32,118 Ah, Mr Meldrew Are you well? Ah, Mr Meldrew Are you well?
446 00:34:33,447 00:34:36,519 I gather that you've got a package for us? I gather that you've got a package for us?
447 00:34:36,607 00:34:40,316 Hmm Oh, yes Yes, now, where did I put that now? Hmm Oh, yes Yes, now, where did I put that now?
448 00:34:40,407 00:34:42,159 In this drawer here? In this drawer here?
449 00:34:42,807 00:34:44,798 Oh, no No, that's not it, is it? Oh, no No, that's not it, is it?
450 00:34:44,927 00:34:48,522 No, that's the letter I received this morning from Leibnitz and Wang, No, that's the letter I received this morning from Leibnitz and Wang,
451 00:34:48,607 00:34:52,839 the company which I had dared hope might put a rather lucrative business deal my way the company which I had dared hope might put a rather lucrative business deal my way
452 00:34:52,927 00:34:58,001 That is, of course, until they popped round last Sunday to finalise one or two details That is, of course, until they popped round last Sunday to finalise one or two details
453 00:34:58,087 00:35:03,286 and were somewhat taken aback not so much by the hideous sight of a naked man and were somewhat taken aback not so much by the hideous sight of a naked man
454 00:35:03,367 00:35:06,837 dangling outside my office window, as by the hideous sight of dangling outside my office window, as by the hideous sight of
455 00:35:06,927 00:35:09,395 what was dangling from the naked man what was dangling from the naked man
456 00:35:11,167 00:35:15,524 Following which, in time-honoured fashion, they said that they would let me know Following which, in time-honoured fashion, they said that they would let me know
457 00:35:15,607 00:35:20,635 And lo and behold, this morning they did And lo and behold, this morning they did
458 00:35:21,887 00:35:25,038 Still, never mind, as they say Still, never mind, as they say
459 00:35:25,167 00:35:28,443 Now if I could just make one small suggestion, Now if I could just make one small suggestion,
460 00:35:28,527 00:35:31,121 perhaps a stronger lock on the door of your laboratory perhaps a stronger lock on the door of your laboratory
461 00:35:31,207 00:35:33,277 might stop them escaping next time might stop them escaping next time
462 00:35:35,407 00:35:37,398 Yes, I'm sorry if Yes, I'm sorry if
463 00:35:37,487 00:35:39,318 Oh, I remember The front room Oh, I remember The front room
464 00:35:39,407 00:35:40,840 Almost forgot Almost forgot
465 00:35:41,127 00:35:42,765 PATRICK: Ah, yes Here we are PATRICK: Ah, yes Here we are
466 00:35:43,967 00:35:46,765 I thought it might be a new consignment of human organs or something I thought it might be a new consignment of human organs or something
467 00:35:46,847 00:35:48,439 so I kept it in the hall so I kept it in the hall
468 00:35:49,847 00:35:51,200 Manage that all right? Manage that all right?
469 00:35:51,287 00:35:55,326 -Yeah Thank you very much -No No, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew -Yeah Thank you very much -No No, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew
470 00:36:02,087 00:36:06,603 I think warped is the word that springs to mind I think warped is the word that springs to mind
471 00:36:06,887 00:36:09,685 You deliberately let him think they turned you down You deliberately let him think they turned you down
472 00:36:09,767 00:36:11,758 just to make him feel awful just to make him feel awful
473 00:36:19,727 00:36:20,796 Yes Yes
474 00:36:29,327 00:36:31,557 MARGARET: What on earth MARGARET: What on earth
475 00:36:31,807 00:36:34,162 Ermhang on a minute Ermhang on a minute
476 00:36:35,327 00:36:36,362 (VICTOR GROANING) (VICTOR GROANING)
477 00:36:36,447 00:36:38,165 What the hell is it? What the hell is it?
478 00:36:38,767 00:36:42,123 -You didn't send away for anything, did you? -There's a letter here -You didn't send away for anything, did you? -There's a letter here
479 00:36:42,207 00:36:45,483 The post mark's all smudged You can't see where it's from The post mark's all smudged You can't see where it's from
480 00:36:50,487 00:36:53,684 ''Dear Mr Meldrew, we would like to inform'' ''Dear Mr Meldrew, we would like to inform''
481 00:36:54,727 00:36:56,365 Oh, it's from Oh, it's from
482 00:36:57,047 00:36:58,480 Oh, no Oh, no
483 00:36:59,567 00:37:01,364 It's Mr Foskett It's Mr Foskett
484 00:37:03,767 00:37:07,601 After he left here on Sunday, you remember? With that police officer After he left here on Sunday, you remember? With that police officer
485 00:37:07,687 00:37:11,521 They took him back to the station for a cup of tea to try and calm him down They took him back to the station for a cup of tea to try and calm him down
486 00:37:11,607 00:37:16,681 It says, ''About 8:30, he left the interview room to go to the toilet It says, ''About 8:30, he left the interview room to go to the toilet
487 00:37:16,767 00:37:20,999 ''and threw himself out of the window on the seventh floor ''and threw himself out of the window on the seventh floor
488 00:37:23,167 00:37:26,603 ''Prior to that, apart from the break-up of his marriage, ''Prior to that, apart from the break-up of his marriage,
489 00:37:26,687 00:37:30,043 ''the only thing he talked about was how kind and generous you and your wife ''the only thing he talked about was how kind and generous you and your wife
490 00:37:30,127 00:37:31,879 ''had been to him that day ''had been to him that day
491 00:37:31,967 00:37:35,562 ''and how nice it was to think you were so genuinely pleased to see him ''and how nice it was to think you were so genuinely pleased to see him
492 00:37:35,647 00:37:37,922 ''after all those years ''after all those years
493 00:37:38,607 00:37:42,361 ''Before he died in hospital, he asked if we could arrange ''Before he died in hospital, he asked if we could arrange
494 00:37:42,447 00:37:45,917 ''for the enclosed to be passed on to you as it was something you had expressed ''for the enclosed to be passed on to you as it was something you had expressed
495 00:37:46,007 00:37:48,601 ''such a fascination for when you last spoke to him'' ''such a fascination for when you last spoke to him''
496 00:38:11,967 00:38:14,037 I suppose you can see why they do it I suppose you can see why they do it
497 00:38:14,727 00:38:19,357 The people across the road just spend all night laughing The people across the road just spend all night laughing
498 00:38:21,967 00:38:25,084 But the only thing you can do to stay sane But the only thing you can do to stay sane
499 00:38:26,127 00:38:27,765 is laugh is laugh
500 00:38:27,847 00:38:29,121 Yes Yes
501 00:38:30,607 00:38:33,167 See the funny side of things See the funny side of things
502 00:38:33,887 00:38:34,876 Yes Yes
503 00:38:37,687 00:38:42,442 I mean, if we couldn't laugh at all this, we'd be committing suicide I mean, if we couldn't laugh at all this, we'd be committing suicide
504 00:38:43,327 00:38:44,396 Yes Yes
505 00:38:51,847 00:38:53,917 Where are the sleeping tablets? Where are the sleeping tablets?
506 00:38:55,047 00:38:56,799 In the cupboard by my bed In the cupboard by my bed
507 00:38:59,367 00:39:00,436 Right Right
508 00:39:06,967 00:39:09,117 (THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING) (THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING)
509 00:39:15,767 00:39:19,521 # So if you chance to meet him when walking round the town # So if you chance to meet him when walking round the town
510 00:39:19,607 00:39:23,441 #Just shake him by his fat old hand and give him half a crown #Just shake him by his fat old hand and give him half a crown
511 00:39:23,527 00:39:27,236 #And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might # #And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might #
511 00:39:23,527 00:39:27,236 #And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might # #And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might #