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1 | 00:00:02,840 | 00:00:05,992 | # They say I might as well face the truth | # They say I might as well face the truth |
2 | 00:00:06,160 | 00:00:09,551 | # That I am just too long in the tooth? | # That I am just too long in the tooth? |
3 | 00:00:09,640 | 00:00:12,996 | # So I'm an CAP and weak-knead | # So I'm an CAP and weak-knead |
4 | 00:00:13,080 | 00:00:16,436 | # But I have not yet quite gone to seed | # But I have not yet quite gone to seed |
5 | 00:00:16,520 | 00:00:20,593 | # I may be over the hill now that I have retired | # I may be over the hill now that I have retired |
6 | 00:00:20,680 | 00:00:24,036 | # Fading away but I've not yet expired | # Fading away but I've not yet expired |
7 | 00:00:24,120 | 00:00:27,715 | # clapped out, run down, too old to save | # clapped out, run down, too old to save |
8 | 00:00:27,800 | 00:00:31,031 | # One foot in the grave # | # One foot in the grave # |
9 | 00:00:49,600 | 00:00:51,318 | (MOSQUITOES BUZZING) | (MOSQUITOES BUZZING) |
10 | 00:01:55,400 | 00:01:58,392 | Oi! You! What the bloody... | Oi! You! What the bloody... |
11 | 00:01:59,640 | 00:02:01,756 | Bloody moron! | Bloody moron! |
12 | 00:02:29,320 | 00:02:32,711 | I'm sorry, is that your Peugeot Estate round there? | I'm sorry, is that your Peugeot Estate round there? |
13 | 00:02:32,800 | 00:02:36,873 | Only, I think your front fog lamp seems to be on for some reason. | Only, I think your front fog lamp seems to be on for some reason. |
14 | 00:03:09,040 | 00:03:13,796 | Frankly, Mr Skinpod, what side of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevant. | Frankly, Mr Skinpod, what side of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevant. |
15 | 00:03:13,880 | 00:03:17,236 | The fact remains that the Open Sesame automatic garage door | The fact remains that the Open Sesame automatic garage door |
16 | 00:03:17,320 | 00:03:21,871 | which you installed for me last week has just jammed again for the seventh time. | which you installed for me last week has just jammed again for the seventh time. |
17 | 00:03:21,960 | 00:03:25,919 | And as BMW rather short—sightedly failed to include a limbo—dancing option | And as BMW rather short—sightedly failed to include a limbo—dancing option |
18 | 00:03:26,000 | 00:03:27,399 | on the new 300 series, | on the new 300 series, |
19 | 00:03:27,480 | 00:03:31,394 | I'm keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road. | I'm keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road. |
20 | 00:03:31,480 | 00:03:35,997 | Yes, I'll tell you exactly what's "chaffing my hide this morning", Mr Gorringe. | Yes, I'll tell you exactly what's "chaffing my hide this morning", Mr Gorringe. |
21 | 00:03:36,080 | 00:03:38,879 | It concerns a Majestic 2000 Millennium globe | It concerns a Majestic 2000 Millennium globe |
22 | 00:03:38,960 | 00:03:42,476 | that I rather foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday, | that I rather foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday, |
23 | 00:03:42,640 | 00:03:46,679 | which I can't help noticing has arrived with two northern hemispheres. | which I can't help noticing has arrived with two northern hemispheres. |
24 | 00:03:47,560 | 00:03:49,631 | If by "one of our top service engineers", | If by "one of our top service engineers", |
25 | 00:03:49,720 | 00:03:52,439 | you're referring to the young child with the hair full of glue | you're referring to the young child with the hair full of glue |
26 | 00:03:52,520 | 00:03:56,150 | who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on top of a ladder | who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on top of a ladder |
27 | 00:03:56,240 | 00:03:58,754 | presumably in an attempt to make his testicles drop, | presumably in an attempt to make his testicles drop, |
28 | 00:03:58,840 | 00:04:02,879 | —I was not impressed, Mr Skinpod. —Unfortunately not, Mr Gorringe. | —I was not impressed, Mr Skinpod. —Unfortunately not, Mr Gorringe. |
29 | 00:04:03,000 | 00:04:05,514 | And while a world with two Europes and no Australia | And while a world with two Europes and no Australia |
30 | 00:04:05,600 | 00:04:08,114 | may have obvious cultural advantages, | may have obvious cultural advantages, |
31 | 00:04:08,320 | 00:04:11,676 | I'm afraid it doesn't quite square with the theory of continental drift. | I'm afraid it doesn't quite square with the theory of continental drift. |
32 | 00:04:12,120 | 00:04:16,114 | I couldn't say with any certainty, Mr Skinpod, whether it was Rick or Dave. | I couldn't say with any certainty, Mr Skinpod, whether it was Rick or Dave. |
33 | 00:04:16,200 | 00:04:19,875 | Although you'd very sensibly had a ring fitted through his ear like a cow, | Although you'd very sensibly had a ring fitted through his ear like a cow, |
34 | 00:04:19,960 | 00:04:23,510 | I'm afraid his name tag seemed to have fallen off. | I'm afraid his name tag seemed to have fallen off. |
35 | 00:04:23,600 | 00:04:26,877 | Has he indeed? Well, how very fine and dandy for him. | Has he indeed? Well, how very fine and dandy for him. |
36 | 00:04:26,960 | 00:04:29,839 | Well, it depends what you mean by "very noticeable", Mr Gorringe. | Well, it depends what you mean by "very noticeable", Mr Gorringe. |
37 | 00:04:29,920 | 00:04:34,790 | I mean, had my brother been horribly blinded in some form of industrial accident, | I mean, had my brother been horribly blinded in some form of industrial accident, |
38 | 00:04:34,880 | 00:04:36,791 | then certainly all our troubles would be over. | then certainly all our troubles would be over. |
39 | 00:04:36,880 | 00:04:39,998 | Well, do offer him my profuse congratulations, Mr Skinpod. | Well, do offer him my profuse congratulations, Mr Skinpod. |
40 | 00:04:40,120 | 00:04:43,317 | And then tell him to get his arse back round here now and finish the job. | And then tell him to get his arse back round here now and finish the job. |
41 | 00:04:43,400 | 00:04:46,756 | Yes, I should expect a proper replacement within 24 hours | Yes, I should expect a proper replacement within 24 hours |
42 | 00:04:46,840 | 00:04:49,036 | or heads and hemispheres will roll. | or heads and hemispheres will roll. |
43 | 00:04:50,520 | 00:04:53,990 | That little twerp I had a barney with outside yesterday, | That little twerp I had a barney with outside yesterday, |
44 | 00:04:54,080 | 00:04:57,198 | he's only just gone and won 60,000 quid on the mid—week lottery. | he's only just gone and won 60,000 quid on the mid—week lottery. |
45 | 00:04:57,280 | 00:04:59,191 | —Unbelievable. —Unbelievable. | —Unbelievable. —Unbelievable. |
46 | 00:04:59,320 | 00:05:03,029 | Right, then, perhaps I'll just pop out for a few bits. | Right, then, perhaps I'll just pop out for a few bits. |
47 | 00:05:03,120 | 00:05:06,431 | Get that bottle of whisky you wanted to take back with you, Nigel. | Get that bottle of whisky you wanted to take back with you, Nigel. |
48 | 00:05:06,520 | 00:05:10,036 | It's not till 6:30, your train tonight, is it? | It's not till 6:30, your train tonight, is it? |
49 | 00:05:10,160 | 00:05:13,915 | So I'll see you about 5:00, then. Bye. | So I'll see you about 5:00, then. Bye. |
50 | 00:05:15,520 | 00:05:16,919 | (RADIO STATIC HISSING) | (RADIO STATIC HISSING) |
51 | 00:05:17,120 | 00:05:19,873 | Bloody stereo. Drives you up the wall. | Bloody stereo. Drives you up the wall. |
52 | 00:05:19,960 | 00:05:23,191 | Tell me about it. It was bad enough in mono. | Tell me about it. It was bad enough in mono. |
53 | 00:05:45,560 | 00:05:48,074 | Morning, Mr Meldrew. I'd get it in Boots if I were you. | Morning, Mr Meldrew. I'd get it in Boots if I were you. |
54 | 00:05:48,160 | 00:05:49,514 | —What? —The Anusol. | —What? —The Anusol. |
55 | 00:05:49,600 | 00:05:51,591 | They'll charge you the Earth in places like this. | They'll charge you the Earth in places like this. |
56 | 00:05:51,680 | 00:05:54,433 | -Oh, I was just... —No, I'm glad I've run into you, actually. | -Oh, I was just... —No, I'm glad I've run into you, actually. |
57 | 00:05:54,520 | 00:05:56,636 | Only I've been meaning for ages to give you this. | Only I've been meaning for ages to give you this. |
58 | 00:05:56,720 | 00:06:00,190 | It's the second prize in the Eczema Sufferers' Tombola. | It's the second prize in the Eczema Sufferers' Tombola. |
59 | 00:06:00,280 | 00:06:02,351 | You forgot you even bought the ticket. | You forgot you even bought the ticket. |
60 | 00:06:03,080 | 00:06:08,280 | Donated by Mrs Cribbins from the dry cleaners. I gather it's quite a family heirloom. | Donated by Mrs Cribbins from the dry cleaners. I gather it's quite a family heirloom. |
61 | 00:06:08,360 | 00:06:11,239 | —Yes, it's... —It's her late husband's false beard. | —Yes, it's... —It's her late husband's false beard. |
62 | 00:06:11,320 | 00:06:14,517 | You remember, he always had that chronic facial dermatitis. | You remember, he always had that chronic facial dermatitis. |
63 | 00:06:14,600 | 00:06:16,750 | Now, she's had it all steam cleaned and everything. | Now, she's had it all steam cleaned and everything. |
64 | 00:06:16,840 | 00:06:19,309 | But be very sparing with the gum arabic. | But be very sparing with the gum arabic. |
65 | 00:06:19,400 | 00:06:22,040 | Yeah, right. I'll bear that in mind. | Yeah, right. I'll bear that in mind. |
66 | 00:06:23,280 | 00:06:25,271 | All set for the big day tomorrow? | All set for the big day tomorrow? |
67 | 00:06:25,360 | 00:06:27,510 | Oh, yes, yes, yes. | Oh, yes, yes, yes. |
68 | 00:06:27,600 | 00:06:31,195 | They say it's one of the most traumatic events in your life, don't they, moving house? | They say it's one of the most traumatic events in your life, don't they, moving house? |
69 | 00:06:31,280 | 00:06:35,160 | But, oh, I don't know. There are far too many memories for me there... | But, oh, I don't know. There are far too many memories for me there... |
70 | 00:06:35,240 | 00:06:38,517 | Well, if I don't see you before you go, | Well, if I don't see you before you go, |
71 | 00:06:39,800 | 00:06:41,473 | keep in touch and, er... | keep in touch and, er... |
72 | 00:06:42,080 | 00:06:44,594 | well, hope it all works out for you. | well, hope it all works out for you. |
73 | 00:06:44,680 | 00:06:48,469 | Oh, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew. That's very kind, and, arm... | Oh, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew. That's very kind, and, arm... |
74 | 00:06:54,320 | 00:06:57,517 | Lots of love to Mrs Meldrew | Lots of love to Mrs Meldrew |
75 | 00:06:57,920 | 00:06:59,240 | and bye—bye to you. | and bye—bye to you. |
76 | 00:06:59,320 | 00:07:00,719 | Bye, Mr Swainey. | Bye, Mr Swainey. |
77 | 00:07:00,880 | 00:07:03,394 | WOMAN ON TV“. ...released seven months early... | WOMAN ON TV“. ...released seven months early... |
78 | 00:07:08,080 | 00:07:11,516 | ...charred hinterland of the Chachinji. | ...charred hinterland of the Chachinji. |
79 | 00:07:11,600 | 00:07:17,755 | A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds waits for another dawn to break. | A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds waits for another dawn to break. |
80 | 00:07:17,840 | 00:07:22,152 | But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack. | But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack. |
81 | 00:07:22,240 | 00:07:28,270 | And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions. | And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions. |
82 | 00:07:28,720 | 00:07:34,671 | This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass. | This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass. |
83 | 00:07:36,480 | 00:07:38,756 | What is this supposed to be like? Any good? | What is this supposed to be like? Any good? |
84 | 00:07:38,840 | 00:07:41,400 | Depends if you like watching grown men take their clothes off. | Depends if you like watching grown men take their clothes off. |
85 | 00:07:51,800 | 00:07:54,553 | You haven't got anything a bit stronger down there, I suppose? | You haven't got anything a bit stronger down there, I suppose? |
86 | 00:07:59,920 | 00:08:03,754 | How do you mean exactly, a bit stronger? | How do you mean exactly, a bit stronger? |
87 | 00:08:06,920 | 00:08:12,552 | Pippa, how lovely to see you. Come and sit down. I think this is still warm. | Pippa, how lovely to see you. Come and sit down. I think this is still warm. |
88 | 00:08:14,000 | 00:08:18,358 | I'm sorry about this, but I just had to get away from the Brothers Grimm this morning | I'm sorry about this, but I just had to get away from the Brothers Grimm this morning |
89 | 00:08:18,440 | 00:08:20,716 | or go completely doolally. | or go completely doolally. |
90 | 00:08:20,800 | 00:08:24,156 | Oh, is this the one you've been telling me about? He's been over from Norfolk? | Oh, is this the one you've been telling me about? He's been over from Norfolk? |
91 | 00:08:24,240 | 00:08:27,676 | Yes. Just been out to get him a drop of the hard stuff | Yes. Just been out to get him a drop of the hard stuff |
92 | 00:08:27,760 | 00:08:29,751 | before we see him off at the station. | before we see him off at the station. |
93 | 00:08:30,320 | 00:08:33,233 | Plus, a little treat for myself, | Plus, a little treat for myself, |
94 | 00:08:33,320 | 00:08:36,995 | which I think I deserve after three weeks of that. | which I think I deserve after three weeks of that. |
95 | 00:08:37,080 | 00:08:39,435 | I can't remember if you've told me. Is he divorced? | I can't remember if you've told me. Is he divorced? |
96 | 00:08:39,840 | 00:08:42,912 | No, he's never married, Nigel. | No, he's never married, Nigel. |
97 | 00:08:43,000 | 00:08:44,911 | —He's... -Got more sense? | —He's... -Got more sense? |
98 | 00:08:45,000 | 00:08:50,678 | Well, he's got a crush on Jonathan Dimbleby, which is not quite the same thing. | Well, he's got a crush on Jonathan Dimbleby, which is not quite the same thing. |
99 | 00:08:51,160 | 00:08:55,279 | Apart from that side of things, he's so much like Patrick it's frightening. | Apart from that side of things, he's so much like Patrick it's frightening. |
100 | 00:08:55,360 | 00:08:59,115 | It's like every phone call is an episode of Kavanagh QC | It's like every phone call is an episode of Kavanagh QC |
101 | 00:08:59,200 | 00:09:01,874 | I mean, what is it with men? | I mean, what is it with men? |
102 | 00:09:01,960 | 00:09:04,713 | They're another species. It's like this one. | They're another species. It's like this one. |
103 | 00:09:04,800 | 00:09:09,158 | Bought himself a fishing rod now, would you believe? With all the gubbins. | Bought himself a fishing rod now, would you believe? With all the gubbins. |
104 | 00:09:09,640 | 00:09:12,996 | Think he has the first idea how to cast a line? | Think he has the first idea how to cast a line? |
105 | 00:09:13,720 | 00:09:16,997 | Took a woodpecker out of a tree the other morning. | Took a woodpecker out of a tree the other morning. |
106 | 00:09:17,080 | 00:09:21,313 | Poor thing ended up beak first down an old lady's jogging shorts. | Poor thing ended up beak first down an old lady's jogging shorts. |
107 | 00:09:21,880 | 00:09:26,477 | What a nightmare! Oh, I should be picking up a prescription. | What a nightmare! Oh, I should be picking up a prescription. |
108 | 00:09:26,560 | 00:09:29,439 | Oh, right, well, I'll tag along with you, as far as the bus stop. | Oh, right, well, I'll tag along with you, as far as the bus stop. |
109 | 00:09:37,480 | 00:09:40,916 | Oh, for God's sake! | Oh, for God's sake! |
110 | 00:09:52,160 | 00:09:53,958 | (DOOR OPENING) | (DOOR OPENING) |
111 | 00:09:59,000 | 00:10:04,234 | I don't know. That surgery gets worse. Talk about headless chickens. | I don't know. That surgery gets worse. Talk about headless chickens. |
112 | 00:10:08,280 | 00:10:12,433 | Oh, and why didn't you throw this back, Victor? | Oh, and why didn't you throw this back, Victor? |
113 | 00:10:12,520 | 00:10:13,669 | Sorry? | Sorry? |
114 | 00:10:13,760 | 00:10:16,434 | Into the bloody fridge where it came from? | Into the bloody fridge where it came from? |
115 | 00:10:18,440 | 00:10:21,432 | Must be at least three days past its sell—by. | Must be at least three days past its sell—by. |
116 | 00:10:21,840 | 00:10:24,480 | Why you keep going in that place is beyond me. | Why you keep going in that place is beyond me. |
117 | 00:10:29,360 | 00:10:32,239 | You know, I think he's chiselled me out of that popcorn. | You know, I think he's chiselled me out of that popcorn. |
118 | 00:10:33,160 | 00:10:35,515 | —Out of what? —Dodgy Douglas. | —Out of what? —Dodgy Douglas. |
119 | 00:10:35,600 | 00:10:39,230 | He said he'd a nice bit of popcorn at the back, if I fancied it, to go with the video. | He said he'd a nice bit of popcorn at the back, if I fancied it, to go with the video. |
120 | 00:10:39,320 | 00:10:42,676 | —Then he didn't put it in, if you please. -Leave it. | —Then he didn't put it in, if you please. -Leave it. |
121 | 00:10:44,840 | 00:10:48,754 | What with that other bastard first thing, I'd just about had a day of it. | What with that other bastard first thing, I'd just about had a day of it. |
122 | 00:10:50,120 | 00:10:53,636 | Still, it'll be good material for when I give my talk. | Still, it'll be good material for when I give my talk. |
123 | 00:10:54,440 | 00:10:55,919 | Your talk? | Your talk? |
124 | 00:10:56,800 | 00:11:00,953 | Why a bunch of old dears would want to sit and listen to you moan and groan | Why a bunch of old dears would want to sit and listen to you moan and groan |
125 | 00:11:01,040 | 00:11:04,396 | about everything under the sun, I can't imagine. | about everything under the sun, I can't imagine. |
126 | 00:11:05,320 | 00:11:08,153 | I think your cousin Ivor must be going soft in the head. | I think your cousin Ivor must be going soft in the head. |
127 | 00:11:08,400 | 00:11:11,631 | "P.S. Gladys sends her love and says, | "P.S. Gladys sends her love and says, |
128 | 00:11:11,720 | 00:11:15,600 | “when are you going to come and give a little lecture to our Women's Institute? | “when are you going to come and give a little lecture to our Women's Institute? |
129 | 00:11:15,680 | 00:11:17,910 | “We're sure the Gospel according to Victor Meldrew | “We're sure the Gospel according to Victor Meldrew |
130 | 00:11:18,000 | 00:11:20,753 | “would be the highlight of their year!"' | “would be the highlight of their year!"' |
131 | 00:11:21,720 | 00:11:23,518 | Exclamation mark. | Exclamation mark. |
132 | 00:11:24,440 | 00:11:28,559 | I'm thinking of basing it around the theme of evolution gone wrong. | I'm thinking of basing it around the theme of evolution gone wrong. |
133 | 00:11:29,360 | 00:11:32,159 | Neanderthal man did not in fact die out. | Neanderthal man did not in fact die out. |
134 | 00:11:32,240 | 00:11:34,709 | He went to work for Sky Digital. | He went to work for Sky Digital. |
135 | 00:11:35,480 | 00:11:37,630 | Ruddy performance we had with them. | Ruddy performance we had with them. |
136 | 00:11:39,040 | 00:11:42,476 | Oh, you'll never guess what I saw this morning on the news. | Oh, you'll never guess what I saw this morning on the news. |
137 | 00:11:42,560 | 00:11:46,155 | An American reporter who looked just like Mr Swainey. | An American reporter who looked just like Mr Swainey. |
138 | 00:11:46,400 | 00:11:49,438 | It was incredible. I think the tape is still in there | It was incredible. I think the tape is still in there |
139 | 00:11:49,520 | 00:11:52,399 | because I was watching it before Pippa came round. | because I was watching it before Pippa came round. |
140 | 00:11:52,720 | 00:11:55,280 | Says she's just about had a bellyful of it lately, | Says she's just about had a bellyful of it lately, |
141 | 00:11:55,360 | 00:11:57,920 | what with Patrick's brother coming over to stay. | what with Patrick's brother coming over to stay. |
142 | 00:11:58,200 | 00:12:01,192 | Really? I didn't know he had one. | Really? I didn't know he had one. |
143 | 00:12:01,880 | 00:12:04,156 | Yes. Gay, apparently. | Yes. Gay, apparently. |
144 | 00:12:04,240 | 00:12:06,834 | But just like Patrick in every respect. | But just like Patrick in every respect. |
145 | 00:12:09,240 | 00:12:12,710 | I suppose it must just be coincidence, that other. | I suppose it must just be coincidence, that other. |
146 | 00:12:13,000 | 00:12:14,638 | But I thought... Oh. | But I thought... Oh. |
147 | 00:12:15,000 | 00:12:16,070 | Tsk, tsk, tsk. | Tsk, tsk, tsk. |
148 | 00:12:16,240 | 00:12:18,516 | What's this she's left behind? | What's this she's left behind? |
149 | 00:12:18,960 | 00:12:21,520 | Do you mean they're completely identical? | Do you mean they're completely identical? |
150 | 00:12:21,720 | 00:12:25,429 | Sorry? Oh, well, yes. Facially, the spitting image. | Sorry? Oh, well, yes. Facially, the spitting image. |
151 | 00:12:27,360 | 00:12:29,351 | I wonder why he never said anything. | I wonder why he never said anything. |
152 | 00:12:29,440 | 00:12:31,750 | —Who? —Patrick. | —Who? —Patrick. |
153 | 00:12:32,640 | 00:12:33,835 | What about? | What about? |
154 | 00:12:34,600 | 00:12:37,752 | Perhaps they just try and steer clear of each other. | Perhaps they just try and steer clear of each other. |
155 | 00:12:37,840 | 00:12:42,073 | I mean, if you've got a twin brother who's gay, it could lead to all sorts of mix—ups. | I mean, if you've got a twin brother who's gay, it could lead to all sorts of mix—ups. |
156 | 00:12:43,280 | 00:12:45,749 | Do you want to peel those potatoes while I get this pie on? | Do you want to peel those potatoes while I get this pie on? |
157 | 00:12:45,840 | 00:12:47,274 | Yeah. Can do. | Yeah. Can do. |
158 | 00:12:48,320 | 00:12:49,310 | What's this? | What's this? |
159 | 00:12:50,080 | 00:12:53,391 | Oh, I don't know. Some video that Pippa left behind. | Oh, I don't know. Some video that Pippa left behind. |
160 | 00:12:55,480 | 00:12:59,110 | "Dwayne Spartacus and Mighty Joe Schlong | "Dwayne Spartacus and Mighty Joe Schlong |
161 | 00:13:00,600 | 00:13:02,432 | "in Mounted Police 5, " | "in Mounted Police 5, " |
162 | 00:13:03,480 | 00:13:06,711 | Yes, I might sit and watch that after tea if there's nothing else on, | Yes, I might sit and watch that after tea if there's nothing else on, |
163 | 00:13:06,800 | 00:13:08,677 | while you do the washing up. | while you do the washing up. |
164 | 00:13:13,760 | 00:13:17,515 | Now, can we imagine in our wildest dreams that he's been back to fix it? | Now, can we imagine in our wildest dreams that he's been back to fix it? |
165 | 00:13:17,600 | 00:13:20,319 | After he's just won a fortune on the lottery? | After he's just won a fortune on the lottery? |
166 | 00:13:20,400 | 00:13:24,553 | I should think he's jacked the job in. He's halfway to Barbados by now. | I should think he's jacked the job in. He's halfway to Barbados by now. |
167 | 00:13:27,360 | 00:13:30,716 | Or have a few firm words on the phone this morning | Or have a few firm words on the phone this morning |
168 | 00:13:30,800 | 00:13:32,950 | taught him the error of his ways? | taught him the error of his ways? |
169 | 00:13:49,080 | 00:13:51,640 | The little bastard. I'll kill him. | The little bastard. I'll kill him. |
170 | 00:13:53,400 | 00:13:55,277 | (MEN GROANING ON TV) | (MEN GROANING ON TV) |
171 | 00:13:59,560 | 00:14:01,676 | (MEN MOANING ON TV) | (MEN MOANING ON TV) |
172 | 00:14:02,320 | 00:14:03,674 | Victor. | Victor. |
173 | 00:14:05,840 | 00:14:07,592 | VICTOR: Yes. | VICTOR: Yes. |
174 | 00:14:08,320 | 00:14:10,311 | What is this racket...? | What is this racket...? |
175 | 00:14:22,920 | 00:14:24,797 | What is this? | What is this? |
176 | 00:14:26,440 | 00:14:28,238 | It's not Dixon of Dark Green. | It's not Dixon of Dark Green. |
177 | 00:14:29,160 | 00:14:30,195 | (YELPING) | (YELPING) |
178 | 00:14:43,680 | 00:14:49,517 | Can you imagine going out and buying your brother—in—law something like that? | Can you imagine going out and buying your brother—in—law something like that? |
179 | 00:14:50,360 | 00:14:52,670 | Hard stuff, she said. | Hard stuff, she said. |
180 | 00:14:52,760 | 00:14:54,478 | My God! | My God! |
181 | 00:14:55,680 | 00:14:57,637 | I mean, | I mean, |
182 | 00:14:57,720 | 00:15:00,917 | is that what some men actually... | is that what some men actually... |
183 | 00:15:01,000 | 00:15:04,834 | —Where do you think she got it? —I don't know. | —Where do you think she got it? —I don't know. |
184 | 00:15:04,920 | 00:15:09,471 | All I know is that's your first job tomorrow morning, to take it back to them. | All I know is that's your first job tomorrow morning, to take it back to them. |
185 | 00:15:11,400 | 00:15:13,835 | Where did I put those smelling salts? | Where did I put those smelling salts? |
186 | 00:15:26,760 | 00:15:30,071 | Oh, thanks for polishing off my cabernet. | Oh, thanks for polishing off my cabernet. |
187 | 00:15:30,320 | 00:15:32,789 | I've been looking forward to that all afternoon. | I've been looking forward to that all afternoon. |
188 | 00:15:32,880 | 00:15:35,679 | Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was going begging. | Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was going begging. |
189 | 00:15:36,320 | 00:15:41,235 | After all the upheaval today, I needed something to steady my nerves. | After all the upheaval today, I needed something to steady my nerves. |
190 | 00:15:42,760 | 00:15:44,239 | What? | What? |
191 | 00:15:45,960 | 00:15:50,875 | I don't know. I just suddenly felt a bit clogged up | I don't know. I just suddenly felt a bit clogged up |
192 | 00:15:51,600 | 00:15:54,797 | from the... Some reason. | from the... Some reason. |
193 | 00:15:54,880 | 00:15:59,158 | I mean, just look at that. You've done everything but suck the bloody cork. | I mean, just look at that. You've done everything but suck the bloody cork. |
194 | 00:16:00,840 | 00:16:03,116 | Where is the cork anyway? | Where is the cork anyway? |
195 | 00:16:10,680 | 00:16:13,752 | There's no way of saying this delicately, Patrick. | There's no way of saying this delicately, Patrick. |
196 | 00:16:16,120 | 00:16:18,157 | It's gone quite a long way in. | It's gone quite a long way in. |
197 | 00:16:20,360 | 00:16:23,478 | Don't just stand there twittering. Get it out. | Don't just stand there twittering. Get it out. |
198 | 00:16:23,560 | 00:16:27,838 | Oh, right. What am I now? A qualified parasitologist? How? | Oh, right. What am I now? A qualified parasitologist? How? |
199 | 00:16:27,920 | 00:16:31,470 | Well, I don't know. How do you normally get a cork out? | Well, I don't know. How do you normally get a cork out? |
200 | 00:16:32,320 | 00:16:33,833 | I suppose. | I suppose. |
201 | 00:16:40,480 | 00:16:46,351 | Not that one, you witless woman. The one in the drawer that we take on holiday. | Not that one, you witless woman. The one in the drawer that we take on holiday. |
202 | 00:16:47,040 | 00:16:48,553 | How's that going to work? | How's that going to work? |
203 | 00:17:01,320 | 00:17:04,039 | I feel very uncomfortable doing this. | I feel very uncomfortable doing this. |
204 | 00:17:04,840 | 00:17:09,550 | Isn't that funny? Whereas I seem to be growing ever more relaxed and confident. | Isn't that funny? Whereas I seem to be growing ever more relaxed and confident. |
205 | 00:17:09,960 | 00:17:12,554 | Can you just get on with it, please? | Can you just get on with it, please? |
206 | 00:17:17,080 | 00:17:18,912 | (PATRICK SCREAMING) | (PATRICK SCREAMING) |
207 | 00:17:19,440 | 00:17:23,718 | I'm sorry about that. Perhaps we'd better call the hospital. | I'm sorry about that. Perhaps we'd better call the hospital. |
208 | 00:17:46,200 | 00:17:49,397 | Morning, Mr Meldrew. You're up bright and early. | Morning, Mr Meldrew. You're up bright and early. |
209 | 00:17:50,960 | 00:17:52,314 | I thought... | I thought... |
210 | 00:17:52,760 | 00:17:55,593 | You never said you were only moving two doors along. | You never said you were only moving two doors along. |
211 | 00:17:55,680 | 00:17:58,115 | Sorry? Oh, yes. I always wanted an end—house | Sorry? Oh, yes. I always wanted an end—house |
212 | 00:17:58,200 | 00:18:01,830 | and, as I say, wanted to make a fresh start without really leaving the area. | and, as I say, wanted to make a fresh start without really leaving the area. |
213 | 00:18:01,920 | 00:18:06,915 | So, soon as I heard the McVities were emigrating, I leapt straight in with an offer. | So, soon as I heard the McVities were emigrating, I leapt straight in with an offer. |
214 | 00:18:07,000 | 00:18:09,276 | Of course, I still haven't found a buyer for number 21, | Of course, I still haven't found a buyer for number 21, |
215 | 00:18:09,360 | 00:18:12,318 | but isn't that funny? You didn't know about it. | but isn't that funny? You didn't know about it. |
216 | 00:18:12,400 | 00:18:14,391 | —Funny? Why... —MARGARET: Morning, Mr Swainey. | —Funny? Why... —MARGARET: Morning, Mr Swainey. |
217 | 00:18:14,480 | 00:18:16,198 | —You settling in all right? -Oh, yes. | —You settling in all right? -Oh, yes. |
218 | 00:18:16,280 | 00:18:18,317 | There's that news report I was telling you about. | There's that news report I was telling you about. |
219 | 00:18:18,400 | 00:18:20,550 | You see what you make of that when you have a moment. | You see what you make of that when you have a moment. |
220 | 00:18:20,640 | 00:18:23,029 | I will, Mrs Meldrew. Sounds very intriguing. | I will, Mrs Meldrew. Sounds very intriguing. |
221 | 00:18:23,640 | 00:18:27,759 | That was another thing, Mr Meldrew. I've got a couple coming round to view at 3:00. | That was another thing, Mr Meldrew. I've got a couple coming round to view at 3:00. |
222 | 00:18:27,840 | 00:18:31,276 | The estate agent says they sound quite serious. Mr and Mrs Gleeson. | The estate agent says they sound quite serious. Mr and Mrs Gleeson. |
223 | 00:18:31,360 | 00:18:34,478 | Oh, right. Fingers crossed there, then. | Oh, right. Fingers crossed there, then. |
224 | 00:18:34,560 | 00:18:37,678 | Yes, he said that the husband was a very nasty piece of work, apparently. | Yes, he said that the husband was a very nasty piece of work, apparently. |
225 | 00:18:37,760 | 00:18:41,754 | Very violent. And by all accounts, it's a total fluke he found the place. | Very violent. And by all accounts, it's a total fluke he found the place. |
226 | 00:18:41,840 | 00:18:45,993 | Apparently, he was in the area yesterday morning, having lunch at some pub | Apparently, he was in the area yesterday morning, having lunch at some pub |
227 | 00:18:46,080 | 00:18:49,198 | when some lunatic stuck a load of maggots in his food. | when some lunatic stuck a load of maggots in his food. |
228 | 00:18:49,280 | 00:18:53,194 | Said he tried to drive after him but lost him at the roundabout just down the road here | Said he tried to drive after him but lost him at the roundabout just down the road here |
229 | 00:18:53,280 | 00:18:55,794 | and that's when he noticed my sign post. | and that's when he noticed my sign post. |
230 | 00:18:55,880 | 00:18:56,995 | —Really? —Yes. | —Really? —Yes. |
231 | 00:18:57,080 | 00:19:01,517 | Yes, he says if he ever sees this chap again, he's going to beat the living shit out of him. | Yes, he says if he ever sees this chap again, he's going to beat the living shit out of him. |
232 | 00:19:01,760 | 00:19:03,512 | Never heard such language. | Never heard such language. |
233 | 00:19:03,600 | 00:19:06,877 | But anyway, I'll bring him round later so you two can get to know each other. | But anyway, I'll bring him round later so you two can get to know each other. |
234 | 00:19:06,960 | 00:19:09,998 | I'm sure he's not as bad as he sounds. See you later, then, Mr Meldrew. | I'm sure he's not as bad as he sounds. See you later, then, Mr Meldrew. |
235 | 00:19:10,080 | 00:19:12,549 | There's no need to go to all that trouble, Mr... | There's no need to go to all that trouble, Mr... |
236 | 00:19:20,280 | 00:19:22,430 | chucking it down out there. | chucking it down out there. |
237 | 00:19:22,960 | 00:19:25,429 | Why don't you just leave it till later? | Why don't you just leave it till later? |
238 | 00:19:25,520 | 00:19:27,796 | If I leave it till later, the place will be packed. | If I leave it till later, the place will be packed. |
239 | 00:19:27,880 | 00:19:31,794 | With all the usual walking wounded, people with tennis rackets through their heads, | With all the usual walking wounded, people with tennis rackets through their heads, |
240 | 00:19:31,880 | 00:19:34,394 | I'll be lucky to see a doctor this side of Christmas. | I'll be lucky to see a doctor this side of Christmas. |
241 | 00:19:34,880 | 00:19:40,637 | So how do you think they're going to get it out? | So how do you think they're going to get it out? |
242 | 00:19:42,320 | 00:19:46,632 | Well, I imagine they'll just give me eight pints of Tizer and tell everyone to stand well back. | Well, I imagine they'll just give me eight pints of Tizer and tell everyone to stand well back. |
243 | 00:19:46,720 | 00:19:50,315 | I'm sure they have a tried and tested procedure for this sort of thing. | I'm sure they have a tried and tested procedure for this sort of thing. |
244 | 00:19:50,400 | 00:19:53,677 | Why is it we don't have any umbrellas any longer? | Why is it we don't have any umbrellas any longer? |
245 | 00:19:53,760 | 00:19:56,957 | Because you keep leaving them all in restaurants. | Because you keep leaving them all in restaurants. |
246 | 00:19:57,160 | 00:20:00,676 | Oh, hang on. I think I left that lavender one of mine in the kitchen. | Oh, hang on. I think I left that lavender one of mine in the kitchen. |
247 | 00:20:00,760 | 00:20:01,909 | Lavender one? | Lavender one? |
248 | 00:20:02,000 | 00:20:05,038 | Yes, if you think I'm going to be seen walking around with that in my hand, | Yes, if you think I'm going to be seen walking around with that in my hand, |
249 | 00:20:05,120 | 00:20:06,349 | you're very much mistaken. | you're very much mistaken. |
250 | 00:20:06,440 | 00:20:07,839 | (THUNDER RUMBLING) | (THUNDER RUMBLING) |
251 | 00:20:36,440 | 00:20:41,435 | Excuse me. We've never met before. My name is Victor Meldrew. | Excuse me. We've never met before. My name is Victor Meldrew. |
252 | 00:20:42,160 | 00:20:46,279 | I'm a friend of your sister—in—law's, and I think she might have... | I'm a friend of your sister—in—law's, and I think she might have... |
253 | 00:20:46,920 | 00:20:51,198 | Well, anyway, this is yours, I think, so... | Well, anyway, this is yours, I think, so... |
254 | 00:21:05,240 | 00:21:08,949 | SKIP HOBERMAN: (ON TV) A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds | SKIP HOBERMAN: (ON TV) A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds |
255 | 00:21:09,160 | 00:21:11,197 | waits for another dawn to break. | waits for another dawn to break. |
256 | 00:21:11,640 | 00:21:15,520 | But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack. | But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack. |
257 | 00:21:15,680 | 00:21:21,995 | And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions. | And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions. |
258 | 00:21:23,080 | 00:21:29,429 | This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass. | This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass. |
259 | 00:21:37,080 | 00:21:38,673 | Yes, well. | Yes, well. |
260 | 00:21:39,120 | 00:21:43,717 | If you want to know about pubs, the man to ask is probably my husband, | If you want to know about pubs, the man to ask is probably my husband, |
261 | 00:21:44,360 | 00:21:47,990 | who should be home... Oh, talk of the devil. | who should be home... Oh, talk of the devil. |
262 | 00:21:48,360 | 00:21:51,955 | Well, that gives us a chance to get off now, doesn't it? | Well, that gives us a chance to get off now, doesn't it? |
263 | 00:21:52,560 | 00:21:54,471 | I said I'd give you a hand | I said I'd give you a hand |
264 | 00:21:54,880 | 00:21:57,235 | to take that stuff up the tip before it closes. | to take that stuff up the tip before it closes. |
265 | 00:21:57,320 | 00:21:59,675 | Oh, yes. That would be handy. | Oh, yes. That would be handy. |
266 | 00:21:59,800 | 00:22:03,350 | I'm home. Margaret? Sorry about the time. | I'm home. Margaret? Sorry about the time. |
267 | 00:22:03,480 | 00:22:07,235 | I didn't want to get here too soon in case he came round with that ruddy... | I didn't want to get here too soon in case he came round with that ruddy... |
268 | 00:22:07,320 | 00:22:09,596 | Yes, Victor. | Yes, Victor. |
269 | 00:22:11,040 | 00:22:15,910 | When you come downstairs, perhaps you'd like to have a wee chat with Mr and Mrs Gleeson, | When you come downstairs, perhaps you'd like to have a wee chat with Mr and Mrs Gleeson, |
270 | 00:22:16,080 | 00:22:18,720 | who may soon be moving in next door. | who may soon be moving in next door. |
271 | 00:22:18,920 | 00:22:21,799 | Mr Swainey and I are just popping out for half an hour. | Mr Swainey and I are just popping out for half an hour. |
272 | 00:22:21,880 | 00:22:24,918 | Well, nice to have met you both. Bye. | Well, nice to have met you both. Bye. |
273 | 00:22:32,640 | 00:22:34,677 | Now, I'm not saying he will get out. | Now, I'm not saying he will get out. |
274 | 00:22:34,800 | 00:22:38,759 | But if he does, you don't let him know you're frightened, okay? | But if he does, you don't let him know you're frightened, okay? |
275 | 00:22:38,960 | 00:22:42,157 | That's the worst thing you can do with a pit bull, that is. | That's the worst thing you can do with a pit bull, that is. |
276 | 00:22:47,920 | 00:22:51,311 | Right, so he's not dangerous, then, exactly. | Right, so he's not dangerous, then, exactly. |
277 | 00:22:51,400 | 00:22:52,470 | Dangerous? | Dangerous? |
278 | 00:22:52,560 | 00:22:57,270 | He killed a bleeding swan the other day and brought it back to the house, didn't he? | He killed a bleeding swan the other day and brought it back to the house, didn't he? |
279 | 00:22:57,360 | 00:23:00,876 | As I say, you got to use a bit of psychology. | As I say, you got to use a bit of psychology. |
280 | 00:23:04,680 | 00:23:09,754 | Well, I don't want to hurry you both, but the way the traffic is at this end of town, oh! | Well, I don't want to hurry you both, but the way the traffic is at this end of town, oh! |
281 | 00:23:09,840 | 00:23:11,990 | All right. | All right. |
282 | 00:23:13,960 | 00:23:17,669 | So hope to see you again, perhaps in the near future. | So hope to see you again, perhaps in the near future. |
283 | 00:23:17,760 | 00:23:21,549 | —Thanks for the beers. —Not at all. Thank you. Bye. | —Thanks for the beers. —Not at all. Thank you. Bye. |
284 | 00:23:34,320 | 00:23:39,394 | Okay, so you like the taste of worms. | Okay, so you like the taste of worms. |
285 | 00:23:47,240 | 00:23:52,360 | Well, thanks very much, then, Mrs Meldrew. I appreciate you spending the time. | Well, thanks very much, then, Mrs Meldrew. I appreciate you spending the time. |
286 | 00:23:52,440 | 00:23:56,877 | Yes. I'm surprised at how much junk you do accumulate over the years | Yes. I'm surprised at how much junk you do accumulate over the years |
287 | 00:23:57,480 | 00:23:59,357 | without even being aware of it. | without even being aware of it. |
288 | 00:24:00,040 | 00:24:02,953 | Could do with a good clear—out ourselves one of these days, | Could do with a good clear—out ourselves one of these days, |
289 | 00:24:03,200 | 00:24:04,679 | if it comes to that. | if it comes to that. |
290 | 00:24:05,920 | 00:24:07,354 | Are you all right, Mr Swainey? | Are you all right, Mr Swainey? |
291 | 00:24:07,440 | 00:24:11,229 | I thought you'd be more chipper today with the new house and everything. | I thought you'd be more chipper today with the new house and everything. |
292 | 00:24:11,320 | 00:24:13,152 | Oh, yeah, yeah, well, of course, I am. | Oh, yeah, yeah, well, of course, I am. |
293 | 00:24:13,680 | 00:24:15,079 | I suppose. | I suppose. |
294 | 00:24:16,960 | 00:24:20,112 | It's ever since I gave you that tape to watch. | It's ever since I gave you that tape to watch. |
295 | 00:24:21,320 | 00:24:24,711 | That man, he wasn't anyone you... | That man, he wasn't anyone you... |
296 | 00:24:26,040 | 00:24:28,554 | —He wasn't a relative or anything? -Oh, no, no, no, no. | —He wasn't a relative or anything? -Oh, no, no, no, no. |
297 | 00:24:28,640 | 00:24:33,589 | It's just a bit of a shock to the system, something like that, | It's just a bit of a shock to the system, something like that, |
298 | 00:24:33,680 | 00:24:36,194 | as if, I don't know, | as if, I don't know, |
299 | 00:24:37,880 | 00:24:40,394 | someone was taunting me | someone was taunting me |
300 | 00:24:41,200 | 00:24:44,511 | with a glimpse of the man I should have been. | with a glimpse of the man I should have been. |
301 | 00:24:46,720 | 00:24:50,509 | It's hard to imagine Skip Hoberman living at home with his mother for 40 years, | It's hard to imagine Skip Hoberman living at home with his mother for 40 years, |
302 | 00:24:50,600 | 00:24:52,238 | running tombolas | running tombolas |
303 | 00:24:53,760 | 00:24:56,195 | like an overgrown Boy Scout. | like an overgrown Boy Scout. |
304 | 00:25:01,080 | 00:25:04,198 | Life isn't just about ambition, Mr Swainey. | Life isn't just about ambition, Mr Swainey. |
305 | 00:25:05,240 | 00:25:07,595 | Just earning the respect of others | Just earning the respect of others |
306 | 00:25:07,680 | 00:25:12,117 | as a decent and gentle human being | as a decent and gentle human being |
307 | 00:25:12,200 | 00:25:14,760 | is enough for anyone to be proud of. | is enough for anyone to be proud of. |
308 | 00:25:15,200 | 00:25:19,797 | Oh, yeah, I've certainly wheeled a lot of old ladies about, Mrs Meldrew, | Oh, yeah, I've certainly wheeled a lot of old ladies about, Mrs Meldrew, |
309 | 00:25:22,320 | 00:25:24,914 | but who's gonna wheel me about? | but who's gonna wheel me about? |
310 | 00:25:41,520 | 00:25:42,999 | Victor! | Victor! |
311 | 00:25:46,040 | 00:25:51,160 | I suppose all this will be going into your lecture, will it? To the Women's Institute? | I suppose all this will be going into your lecture, will it? To the Women's Institute? |
312 | 00:25:52,840 | 00:25:57,516 | Oh, did you get rid of that other monstrosity, by the way, this morning? I forgot to ask. | Oh, did you get rid of that other monstrosity, by the way, this morning? I forgot to ask. |
313 | 00:25:58,520 | 00:26:01,273 | I never want to see the likes of that again. | I never want to see the likes of that again. |
314 | 00:26:02,720 | 00:26:07,635 | What is it for them, do you think, about American policemen that's so exciting? | What is it for them, do you think, about American policemen that's so exciting? |
315 | 00:26:08,080 | 00:26:14,315 | Yes, it's hard to imagine having an erotic fantasy about Officer Dibble in Top Cat. | Yes, it's hard to imagine having an erotic fantasy about Officer Dibble in Top Cat. |
316 | 00:26:15,320 | 00:26:17,880 | I suppose it must just be a combination | I suppose it must just be a combination |
317 | 00:26:18,640 | 00:26:21,154 | of that kind of thing and... | of that kind of thing and... |
318 | 00:26:24,120 | 00:26:25,997 | Policeman and... | Policeman and... |
319 | 00:26:27,280 | 00:26:29,840 | Oh, no. | Oh, no. |
320 | 00:26:30,600 | 00:26:32,113 | You would... | You would... |
321 | 00:26:42,040 | 00:26:47,194 | Yesterday afternoon, when you bought that stuff from Dodgy Douglas... | Yesterday afternoon, when you bought that stuff from Dodgy Douglas... |
322 | 00:26:47,280 | 00:26:48,759 | Yes? | Yes? |
323 | 00:26:49,720 | 00:26:54,556 | He said he had some nice popcorn out the back, if you fancied it. | He said he had some nice popcorn out the back, if you fancied it. |
324 | 00:26:55,040 | 00:26:56,155 | Yes. | Yes. |
325 | 00:26:56,840 | 00:26:58,319 | And you said... | And you said... |
326 | 00:26:58,800 | 00:27:01,189 | Oh, God, Victor! | Oh, God, Victor! |
327 | 00:27:02,200 | 00:27:04,510 | What? What have I done now? | What? What have I done now? |
328 | 00:27:05,480 | 00:27:08,632 | That tape didn't come out of Pippa's bag in there at all. | That tape didn't come out of Pippa's bag in there at all. |
329 | 00:27:08,720 | 00:27:10,313 | It must've fallen out of yours. | It must've fallen out of yours. |
330 | 00:27:10,400 | 00:27:12,471 | How could it come out of my bag? | How could it come out of my bag? |
331 | 00:27:12,560 | 00:27:15,029 | 'Cause when you came out of that shop yesterday afternoon, | 'Cause when you came out of that shop yesterday afternoon, |
332 | 00:27:15,120 | 00:27:17,999 | you came out with a video of cop porn. | you came out with a video of cop porn. |
333 | 00:27:22,680 | 00:27:26,799 | As if that wasn't bad enough, we've just handed it over to... | As if that wasn't bad enough, we've just handed it over to... |
334 | 00:27:27,760 | 00:27:29,797 | What are they going to think? | What are they going to think? |
335 | 00:27:39,920 | 00:27:41,911 | Right, I'll be off in a sec, then. | Right, I'll be off in a sec, then. |
336 | 00:27:42,520 | 00:27:43,954 | You gonna be all right this evening? | You gonna be all right this evening? |
337 | 00:27:44,040 | 00:27:49,399 | I'm not gonna come home and find you with a marmite lid up your bottom or anything? | I'm not gonna come home and find you with a marmite lid up your bottom or anything? |
338 | 00:27:50,720 | 00:27:52,313 | (PHONE RINGING) | (PHONE RINGING) |
339 | 00:27:52,720 | 00:27:53,994 | Trench. | Trench. |
340 | 00:27:55,040 | 00:28:00,240 | I'm sorry, Mr Meldrew? Video. Yes, yes, I did give the title a quick glance. | I'm sorry, Mr Meldrew? Video. Yes, yes, I did give the title a quick glance. |
341 | 00:28:00,320 | 00:28:02,834 | Something to do with Canadian Mounties, wasn't it? | Something to do with Canadian Mounties, wasn't it? |
342 | 00:28:02,920 | 00:28:05,673 | Yes, as it happens, I was up at the hospital this morning. | Yes, as it happens, I was up at the hospital this morning. |
343 | 00:28:05,760 | 00:28:08,991 | They were appealing for donations for the new children's annexe. | They were appealing for donations for the new children's annexe. |
344 | 00:28:09,080 | 00:28:11,640 | Books, videos, toys, that sort of thing. | Books, videos, toys, that sort of thing. |
345 | 00:28:11,720 | 00:28:14,314 | And there was a big plastic skip just inside the door, | And there was a big plastic skip just inside the door, |
346 | 00:28:14,440 | 00:28:16,397 | so I put it in there. | so I put it in there. |
347 | 00:28:16,800 | 00:28:18,791 | Sorry, Mr Meldrew, are you all right? | Sorry, Mr Meldrew, are you all right? |
348 | 00:28:19,480 | 00:28:23,269 | It just sounded like you were having some kind of pulmonary embolism. | It just sounded like you were having some kind of pulmonary embolism. |
349 | 00:28:24,320 | 00:28:26,231 | Video? What video is this, then? | Video? What video is this, then? |
350 | 00:28:26,320 | 00:28:29,676 | This one here containing hardcore gay pornography. | This one here containing hardcore gay pornography. |
351 | 00:28:29,920 | 00:28:32,833 | Quite what compelled him to give it to me in the first place | Quite what compelled him to give it to me in the first place |
352 | 00:28:32,920 | 00:28:34,718 | will almost certainly never be known, | will almost certainly never be known, |
353 | 00:28:34,800 | 00:28:38,350 | but it is, I fear, a deranged act which cannot go unpunished. | but it is, I fear, a deranged act which cannot go unpunished. |
354 | 00:28:40,760 | 00:28:42,512 | Well, what now? | Well, what now? |
355 | 00:28:42,720 | 00:28:45,792 | It's in a bin at the Chartres General. | It's in a bin at the Chartres General. |
356 | 00:28:45,880 | 00:28:49,555 | And that casualty closes at 8:00. The cases are passed on to the Bedford. | And that casualty closes at 8:00. The cases are passed on to the Bedford. |
357 | 00:28:49,720 | 00:28:52,360 | —Well, we can't just leave it there. —No. | —Well, we can't just leave it there. —No. |
358 | 00:28:54,040 | 00:28:56,190 | We certainly can't. | We certainly can't. |
359 | 00:28:59,600 | 00:29:01,671 | (WHISTLING) | (WHISTLING) |
360 | 00:29:02,280 | 00:29:06,478 | Why is it whenever you're in a good mood, I break out in a cold sweat? | Why is it whenever you're in a good mood, I break out in a cold sweat? |
361 | 00:29:07,200 | 00:29:09,714 | Go on, what have you found? | Go on, what have you found? |
362 | 00:29:09,840 | 00:29:12,480 | Just a brief but rather satisfying item in the local. | Just a brief but rather satisfying item in the local. |
363 | 00:29:12,560 | 00:29:14,995 | Under the heading, "Angling for Trouble." | Under the heading, "Angling for Trouble." |
364 | 00:29:15,080 | 00:29:18,869 | Says, "Police were called to the Accident and Emergency wing of Chartres General | Says, "Police were called to the Accident and Emergency wing of Chartres General |
365 | 00:29:18,960 | 00:29:22,476 | "on Friday night to investigate reports of a madman on the hospital roof. | "on Friday night to investigate reports of a madman on the hospital roof. |
366 | 00:29:23,120 | 00:29:27,273 | "The man, believed to be in his 605, was discovered squatting near a hole | "The man, believed to be in his 605, was discovered squatting near a hole |
367 | 00:29:27,360 | 00:29:31,593 | "in the glass skylight, where he appeared to be fishing into a box of toys. | "in the glass skylight, where he appeared to be fishing into a box of toys. |
368 | 00:29:32,800 | 00:29:36,634 | "As the officers watched, he proceeded to reel in a succession of video cassettes | "As the officers watched, he proceeded to reel in a succession of video cassettes |
369 | 00:29:36,720 | 00:29:40,793 | "each of which he unhooked, glanced at and then threw back again. | "each of which he unhooked, glanced at and then threw back again. |
370 | 00:29:42,040 | 00:29:46,273 | "The man, who was later escorted off the premises screaming incoherently about popcorn, | "The man, who was later escorted off the premises screaming incoherently about popcorn, |
371 | 00:29:46,360 | 00:29:50,069 | "was subsequently identified as Mr..." Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. | "was subsequently identified as Mr..." Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. |
372 | 00:29:50,160 | 00:29:52,993 | So I suppose you're on top of the world now. | So I suppose you're on top of the world now. |
373 | 00:29:53,080 | 00:29:54,673 | (WHISTLING) | (WHISTLING) |
374 | 00:30:01,240 | 00:30:02,674 | Look at this. | Look at this. |
375 | 00:30:03,520 | 00:30:06,512 | I sent a pocket calculator away to be repaired, | I sent a pocket calculator away to be repaired, |
376 | 00:30:09,400 | 00:30:12,119 | and it comes back in all this lot. | and it comes back in all this lot. |
377 | 00:30:13,400 | 00:30:16,711 | I've just been talking to Mr Swainey out there. He's in a good mood. | I've just been talking to Mr Swainey out there. He's in a good mood. |
378 | 00:30:16,920 | 00:30:20,356 | Apparently, that Skip Hoberman's just been blown up by a land mine. | Apparently, that Skip Hoberman's just been blown up by a land mine. |
379 | 00:30:21,480 | 00:30:24,871 | He's taking it as a sign. You're better off not trying to be a hero. | He's taking it as a sign. You're better off not trying to be a hero. |
380 | 00:30:25,240 | 00:30:29,199 | I mean, this is the ultimate proof, isn't it, that we're descended from apes. | I mean, this is the ultimate proof, isn't it, that we're descended from apes. |
381 | 00:30:29,280 | 00:30:30,839 | Polystyrene. | Polystyrene. |
382 | 00:30:31,360 | 00:30:33,510 | Bloody stuff. What are you supposed to do with it? | Bloody stuff. What are you supposed to do with it? |
383 | 00:30:33,600 | 00:30:36,558 | You can't fold it. You can't squash it. You can't bend it. | You can't fold it. You can't squash it. You can't bend it. |
384 | 00:30:36,640 | 00:30:39,200 | Don't start. Oh, stop that! | Don't start. Oh, stop that! |
385 | 00:30:39,280 | 00:30:40,509 | Look, look, | Look, look, |
386 | 00:30:40,600 | 00:30:43,797 | the little white globules stuck in the carpet like dandruff. | the little white globules stuck in the carpet like dandruff. |
387 | 00:30:43,880 | 00:30:46,110 | If you must do that, take it outside. | If you must do that, take it outside. |
388 | 00:30:46,200 | 00:30:50,159 | Now, then, I know what this'll be. From cousin Ivor. | Now, then, I know what this'll be. From cousin Ivor. |
389 | 00:30:50,520 | 00:30:54,275 | Dropped him a line to ask him when he wanted me to give my talk. | Dropped him a line to ask him when he wanted me to give my talk. |
390 | 00:31:03,880 | 00:31:06,394 | Oh, wonderful. | Oh, wonderful. |
391 | 00:31:07,360 | 00:31:09,670 | —Well, that's that, then. —Why? What does he say? | —Well, that's that, then. —Why? What does he say? |
392 | 00:31:10,520 | 00:31:13,478 | "Dear Victor, thank you for your recent enquiry. | "Dear Victor, thank you for your recent enquiry. |
393 | 00:31:13,560 | 00:31:17,474 | "Unfortunately, when we asked if you could address a meeting of the Women's Institute, | "Unfortunately, when we asked if you could address a meeting of the Women's Institute, |
394 | 00:31:17,560 | 00:31:19,756 | "we were not being entirely serious. | "we were not being entirely serious. |
395 | 00:31:22,560 | 00:31:25,029 | "'Can you imagine,' Gladys says, | "'Can you imagine,' Gladys says, |
396 | 00:31:25,200 | 00:31:29,080 | “trying to sell tickets to a talk by Victor Meldrew? | “trying to sell tickets to a talk by Victor Meldrew? |
397 | 00:31:29,160 | 00:31:31,674 | “We wouldn't be able to pay people to come!” | “We wouldn't be able to pay people to come!” |
398 | 00:31:33,480 | 00:31:35,278 | Exclamation mark. | Exclamation mark. |
399 | 00:31:36,200 | 00:31:39,716 | "Well, our best wishes and love to Margaret. Ivor." | "Well, our best wishes and love to Margaret. Ivor." |
400 | 00:32:01,560 | 00:32:04,598 | (ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA BY RICHARD STRAUSS PLAYING) | (ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA BY RICHARD STRAUSS PLAYING) |