# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:02,840 00:00:05,992 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
2 00:00:06,160 00:00:09,551 # That I am just too long in the tooth? # That I am just too long in the tooth?
3 00:00:09,640 00:00:12,996 # So I'm an CAP and weak-knead # So I'm an CAP and weak-knead
4 00:00:13,080 00:00:16,436 # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5 00:00:16,520 00:00:20,593 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6 00:00:20,680 00:00:24,036 # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Fading away but I've not yet expired
7 00:00:24,120 00:00:27,715 # clapped out, run down, too old to save # clapped out, run down, too old to save
8 00:00:27,800 00:00:31,031 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #
9 00:00:49,600 00:00:51,318 (MOSQUITOES BUZZING) (MOSQUITOES BUZZING)
10 00:01:55,400 00:01:58,392 Oi! You! What the bloody... Oi! You! What the bloody...
11 00:01:59,640 00:02:01,756 Bloody moron! Bloody moron!
12 00:02:29,320 00:02:32,711 I'm sorry, is that your Peugeot Estate round there? I'm sorry, is that your Peugeot Estate round there?
13 00:02:32,800 00:02:36,873 Only, I think your front fog lamp seems to be on for some reason. Only, I think your front fog lamp seems to be on for some reason.
14 00:03:09,040 00:03:13,796 Frankly, Mr Skinpod, what side of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevant. Frankly, Mr Skinpod, what side of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevant.
15 00:03:13,880 00:03:17,236 The fact remains that the Open Sesame automatic garage door The fact remains that the Open Sesame automatic garage door
16 00:03:17,320 00:03:21,871 which you installed for me last week has just jammed again for the seventh time. which you installed for me last week has just jammed again for the seventh time.
17 00:03:21,960 00:03:25,919 And as BMW rather short—sightedly failed to include a limbo—dancing option And as BMW rather short—sightedly failed to include a limbo—dancing option
18 00:03:26,000 00:03:27,399 on the new 300 series, on the new 300 series,
19 00:03:27,480 00:03:31,394 I'm keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road. I'm keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road.
20 00:03:31,480 00:03:35,997 Yes, I'll tell you exactly what's "chaffing my hide this morning", Mr Gorringe. Yes, I'll tell you exactly what's "chaffing my hide this morning", Mr Gorringe.
21 00:03:36,080 00:03:38,879 It concerns a Majestic 2000 Millennium globe It concerns a Majestic 2000 Millennium globe
22 00:03:38,960 00:03:42,476 that I rather foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday, that I rather foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday,
23 00:03:42,640 00:03:46,679 which I can't help noticing has arrived with two northern hemispheres. which I can't help noticing has arrived with two northern hemispheres.
24 00:03:47,560 00:03:49,631 If by "one of our top service engineers", If by "one of our top service engineers",
25 00:03:49,720 00:03:52,439 you're referring to the young child with the hair full of glue you're referring to the young child with the hair full of glue
26 00:03:52,520 00:03:56,150 who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on top of a ladder who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on top of a ladder
27 00:03:56,240 00:03:58,754 presumably in an attempt to make his testicles drop, presumably in an attempt to make his testicles drop,
28 00:03:58,840 00:04:02,879 —I was not impressed, Mr Skinpod. —Unfortunately not, Mr Gorringe. —I was not impressed, Mr Skinpod. —Unfortunately not, Mr Gorringe.
29 00:04:03,000 00:04:05,514 And while a world with two Europes and no Australia And while a world with two Europes and no Australia
30 00:04:05,600 00:04:08,114 may have obvious cultural advantages, may have obvious cultural advantages,
31 00:04:08,320 00:04:11,676 I'm afraid it doesn't quite square with the theory of continental drift. I'm afraid it doesn't quite square with the theory of continental drift.
32 00:04:12,120 00:04:16,114 I couldn't say with any certainty, Mr Skinpod, whether it was Rick or Dave. I couldn't say with any certainty, Mr Skinpod, whether it was Rick or Dave.
33 00:04:16,200 00:04:19,875 Although you'd very sensibly had a ring fitted through his ear like a cow, Although you'd very sensibly had a ring fitted through his ear like a cow,
34 00:04:19,960 00:04:23,510 I'm afraid his name tag seemed to have fallen off. I'm afraid his name tag seemed to have fallen off.
35 00:04:23,600 00:04:26,877 Has he indeed? Well, how very fine and dandy for him. Has he indeed? Well, how very fine and dandy for him.
36 00:04:26,960 00:04:29,839 Well, it depends what you mean by "very noticeable", Mr Gorringe. Well, it depends what you mean by "very noticeable", Mr Gorringe.
37 00:04:29,920 00:04:34,790 I mean, had my brother been horribly blinded in some form of industrial accident, I mean, had my brother been horribly blinded in some form of industrial accident,
38 00:04:34,880 00:04:36,791 then certainly all our troubles would be over. then certainly all our troubles would be over.
39 00:04:36,880 00:04:39,998 Well, do offer him my profuse congratulations, Mr Skinpod. Well, do offer him my profuse congratulations, Mr Skinpod.
40 00:04:40,120 00:04:43,317 And then tell him to get his arse back round here now and finish the job. And then tell him to get his arse back round here now and finish the job.
41 00:04:43,400 00:04:46,756 Yes, I should expect a proper replacement within 24 hours Yes, I should expect a proper replacement within 24 hours
42 00:04:46,840 00:04:49,036 or heads and hemispheres will roll. or heads and hemispheres will roll.
43 00:04:50,520 00:04:53,990 That little twerp I had a barney with outside yesterday, That little twerp I had a barney with outside yesterday,
44 00:04:54,080 00:04:57,198 he's only just gone and won 60,000 quid on the mid—week lottery. he's only just gone and won 60,000 quid on the mid—week lottery.
45 00:04:57,280 00:04:59,191 —Unbelievable. —Unbelievable. —Unbelievable. —Unbelievable.
46 00:04:59,320 00:05:03,029 Right, then, perhaps I'll just pop out for a few bits. Right, then, perhaps I'll just pop out for a few bits.
47 00:05:03,120 00:05:06,431 Get that bottle of whisky you wanted to take back with you, Nigel. Get that bottle of whisky you wanted to take back with you, Nigel.
48 00:05:06,520 00:05:10,036 It's not till 6:30, your train tonight, is it? It's not till 6:30, your train tonight, is it?
49 00:05:10,160 00:05:13,915 So I'll see you about 5:00, then. Bye. So I'll see you about 5:00, then. Bye.
50 00:05:15,520 00:05:16,919 (RADIO STATIC HISSING) (RADIO STATIC HISSING)
51 00:05:17,120 00:05:19,873 Bloody stereo. Drives you up the wall. Bloody stereo. Drives you up the wall.
52 00:05:19,960 00:05:23,191 Tell me about it. It was bad enough in mono. Tell me about it. It was bad enough in mono.
53 00:05:45,560 00:05:48,074 Morning, Mr Meldrew. I'd get it in Boots if I were you. Morning, Mr Meldrew. I'd get it in Boots if I were you.
54 00:05:48,160 00:05:49,514 —What? —The Anusol. —What? —The Anusol.
55 00:05:49,600 00:05:51,591 They'll charge you the Earth in places like this. They'll charge you the Earth in places like this.
56 00:05:51,680 00:05:54,433 -Oh, I was just... —No, I'm glad I've run into you, actually. -Oh, I was just... —No, I'm glad I've run into you, actually.
57 00:05:54,520 00:05:56,636 Only I've been meaning for ages to give you this. Only I've been meaning for ages to give you this.
58 00:05:56,720 00:06:00,190 It's the second prize in the Eczema Sufferers' Tombola. It's the second prize in the Eczema Sufferers' Tombola.
59 00:06:00,280 00:06:02,351 You forgot you even bought the ticket. You forgot you even bought the ticket.
60 00:06:03,080 00:06:08,280 Donated by Mrs Cribbins from the dry cleaners. I gather it's quite a family heirloom. Donated by Mrs Cribbins from the dry cleaners. I gather it's quite a family heirloom.
61 00:06:08,360 00:06:11,239 —Yes, it's... —It's her late husband's false beard. —Yes, it's... —It's her late husband's false beard.
62 00:06:11,320 00:06:14,517 You remember, he always had that chronic facial dermatitis. You remember, he always had that chronic facial dermatitis.
63 00:06:14,600 00:06:16,750 Now, she's had it all steam cleaned and everything. Now, she's had it all steam cleaned and everything.
64 00:06:16,840 00:06:19,309 But be very sparing with the gum arabic. But be very sparing with the gum arabic.
65 00:06:19,400 00:06:22,040 Yeah, right. I'll bear that in mind. Yeah, right. I'll bear that in mind.
66 00:06:23,280 00:06:25,271 All set for the big day tomorrow? All set for the big day tomorrow?
67 00:06:25,360 00:06:27,510 Oh, yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes.
68 00:06:27,600 00:06:31,195 They say it's one of the most traumatic events in your life, don't they, moving house? They say it's one of the most traumatic events in your life, don't they, moving house?
69 00:06:31,280 00:06:35,160 But, oh, I don't know. There are far too many memories for me there... But, oh, I don't know. There are far too many memories for me there...
70 00:06:35,240 00:06:38,517 Well, if I don't see you before you go, Well, if I don't see you before you go,
71 00:06:39,800 00:06:41,473 keep in touch and, er... keep in touch and, er...
72 00:06:42,080 00:06:44,594 well, hope it all works out for you. well, hope it all works out for you.
73 00:06:44,680 00:06:48,469 Oh, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew. That's very kind, and, arm... Oh, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew. That's very kind, and, arm...
74 00:06:54,320 00:06:57,517 Lots of love to Mrs Meldrew Lots of love to Mrs Meldrew
75 00:06:57,920 00:06:59,240 and bye—bye to you. and bye—bye to you.
76 00:06:59,320 00:07:00,719 Bye, Mr Swainey. Bye, Mr Swainey.
77 00:07:00,880 00:07:03,394 WOMAN ON TV“. ...released seven months early... WOMAN ON TV“. ...released seven months early...
78 00:07:08,080 00:07:11,516 ...charred hinterland of the Chachinji. ...charred hinterland of the Chachinji.
79 00:07:11,600 00:07:17,755 A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds waits for another dawn to break. A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds waits for another dawn to break.
80 00:07:17,840 00:07:22,152 But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack. But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack.
81 00:07:22,240 00:07:28,270 And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions. And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions.
82 00:07:28,720 00:07:34,671 This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass. This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass.
83 00:07:36,480 00:07:38,756 What is this supposed to be like? Any good? What is this supposed to be like? Any good?
84 00:07:38,840 00:07:41,400 Depends if you like watching grown men take their clothes off. Depends if you like watching grown men take their clothes off.
85 00:07:51,800 00:07:54,553 You haven't got anything a bit stronger down there, I suppose? You haven't got anything a bit stronger down there, I suppose?
86 00:07:59,920 00:08:03,754 How do you mean exactly, a bit stronger? How do you mean exactly, a bit stronger?
87 00:08:06,920 00:08:12,552 Pippa, how lovely to see you. Come and sit down. I think this is still warm. Pippa, how lovely to see you. Come and sit down. I think this is still warm.
88 00:08:14,000 00:08:18,358 I'm sorry about this, but I just had to get away from the Brothers Grimm this morning I'm sorry about this, but I just had to get away from the Brothers Grimm this morning
89 00:08:18,440 00:08:20,716 or go completely doolally. or go completely doolally.
90 00:08:20,800 00:08:24,156 Oh, is this the one you've been telling me about? He's been over from Norfolk? Oh, is this the one you've been telling me about? He's been over from Norfolk?
91 00:08:24,240 00:08:27,676 Yes. Just been out to get him a drop of the hard stuff Yes. Just been out to get him a drop of the hard stuff
92 00:08:27,760 00:08:29,751 before we see him off at the station. before we see him off at the station.
93 00:08:30,320 00:08:33,233 Plus, a little treat for myself, Plus, a little treat for myself,
94 00:08:33,320 00:08:36,995 which I think I deserve after three weeks of that. which I think I deserve after three weeks of that.
95 00:08:37,080 00:08:39,435 I can't remember if you've told me. Is he divorced? I can't remember if you've told me. Is he divorced?
96 00:08:39,840 00:08:42,912 No, he's never married, Nigel. No, he's never married, Nigel.
97 00:08:43,000 00:08:44,911 —He's... -Got more sense? —He's... -Got more sense?
98 00:08:45,000 00:08:50,678 Well, he's got a crush on Jonathan Dimbleby, which is not quite the same thing. Well, he's got a crush on Jonathan Dimbleby, which is not quite the same thing.
99 00:08:51,160 00:08:55,279 Apart from that side of things, he's so much like Patrick it's frightening. Apart from that side of things, he's so much like Patrick it's frightening.
100 00:08:55,360 00:08:59,115 It's like every phone call is an episode of Kavanagh QC It's like every phone call is an episode of Kavanagh QC
101 00:08:59,200 00:09:01,874 I mean, what is it with men? I mean, what is it with men?
102 00:09:01,960 00:09:04,713 They're another species. It's like this one. They're another species. It's like this one.
103 00:09:04,800 00:09:09,158 Bought himself a fishing rod now, would you believe? With all the gubbins. Bought himself a fishing rod now, would you believe? With all the gubbins.
104 00:09:09,640 00:09:12,996 Think he has the first idea how to cast a line? Think he has the first idea how to cast a line?
105 00:09:13,720 00:09:16,997 Took a woodpecker out of a tree the other morning. Took a woodpecker out of a tree the other morning.
106 00:09:17,080 00:09:21,313 Poor thing ended up beak first down an old lady's jogging shorts. Poor thing ended up beak first down an old lady's jogging shorts.
107 00:09:21,880 00:09:26,477 What a nightmare! Oh, I should be picking up a prescription. What a nightmare! Oh, I should be picking up a prescription.
108 00:09:26,560 00:09:29,439 Oh, right, well, I'll tag along with you, as far as the bus stop. Oh, right, well, I'll tag along with you, as far as the bus stop.
109 00:09:37,480 00:09:40,916 Oh, for God's sake! Oh, for God's sake!
110 00:09:52,160 00:09:53,958 (DOOR OPENING) (DOOR OPENING)
111 00:09:59,000 00:10:04,234 I don't know. That surgery gets worse. Talk about headless chickens. I don't know. That surgery gets worse. Talk about headless chickens.
112 00:10:08,280 00:10:12,433 Oh, and why didn't you throw this back, Victor? Oh, and why didn't you throw this back, Victor?
113 00:10:12,520 00:10:13,669 Sorry? Sorry?
114 00:10:13,760 00:10:16,434 Into the bloody fridge where it came from? Into the bloody fridge where it came from?
115 00:10:18,440 00:10:21,432 Must be at least three days past its sell—by. Must be at least three days past its sell—by.
116 00:10:21,840 00:10:24,480 Why you keep going in that place is beyond me. Why you keep going in that place is beyond me.
117 00:10:29,360 00:10:32,239 You know, I think he's chiselled me out of that popcorn. You know, I think he's chiselled me out of that popcorn.
118 00:10:33,160 00:10:35,515 —Out of what? —Dodgy Douglas. —Out of what? —Dodgy Douglas.
119 00:10:35,600 00:10:39,230 He said he'd a nice bit of popcorn at the back, if I fancied it, to go with the video. He said he'd a nice bit of popcorn at the back, if I fancied it, to go with the video.
120 00:10:39,320 00:10:42,676 —Then he didn't put it in, if you please. -Leave it. —Then he didn't put it in, if you please. -Leave it.
121 00:10:44,840 00:10:48,754 What with that other bastard first thing, I'd just about had a day of it. What with that other bastard first thing, I'd just about had a day of it.
122 00:10:50,120 00:10:53,636 Still, it'll be good material for when I give my talk. Still, it'll be good material for when I give my talk.
123 00:10:54,440 00:10:55,919 Your talk? Your talk?
124 00:10:56,800 00:11:00,953 Why a bunch of old dears would want to sit and listen to you moan and groan Why a bunch of old dears would want to sit and listen to you moan and groan
125 00:11:01,040 00:11:04,396 about everything under the sun, I can't imagine. about everything under the sun, I can't imagine.
126 00:11:05,320 00:11:08,153 I think your cousin Ivor must be going soft in the head. I think your cousin Ivor must be going soft in the head.
127 00:11:08,400 00:11:11,631 "P.S. Gladys sends her love and says, "P.S. Gladys sends her love and says,
128 00:11:11,720 00:11:15,600 “when are you going to come and give a little lecture to our Women's Institute? “when are you going to come and give a little lecture to our Women's Institute?
129 00:11:15,680 00:11:17,910 “We're sure the Gospel according to Victor Meldrew “We're sure the Gospel according to Victor Meldrew
130 00:11:18,000 00:11:20,753 “would be the highlight of their year!"' “would be the highlight of their year!"'
131 00:11:21,720 00:11:23,518 Exclamation mark. Exclamation mark.
132 00:11:24,440 00:11:28,559 I'm thinking of basing it around the theme of evolution gone wrong. I'm thinking of basing it around the theme of evolution gone wrong.
133 00:11:29,360 00:11:32,159 Neanderthal man did not in fact die out. Neanderthal man did not in fact die out.
134 00:11:32,240 00:11:34,709 He went to work for Sky Digital. He went to work for Sky Digital.
135 00:11:35,480 00:11:37,630 Ruddy performance we had with them. Ruddy performance we had with them.
136 00:11:39,040 00:11:42,476 Oh, you'll never guess what I saw this morning on the news. Oh, you'll never guess what I saw this morning on the news.
137 00:11:42,560 00:11:46,155 An American reporter who looked just like Mr Swainey. An American reporter who looked just like Mr Swainey.
138 00:11:46,400 00:11:49,438 It was incredible. I think the tape is still in there It was incredible. I think the tape is still in there
139 00:11:49,520 00:11:52,399 because I was watching it before Pippa came round. because I was watching it before Pippa came round.
140 00:11:52,720 00:11:55,280 Says she's just about had a bellyful of it lately, Says she's just about had a bellyful of it lately,
141 00:11:55,360 00:11:57,920 what with Patrick's brother coming over to stay. what with Patrick's brother coming over to stay.
142 00:11:58,200 00:12:01,192 Really? I didn't know he had one. Really? I didn't know he had one.
143 00:12:01,880 00:12:04,156 Yes. Gay, apparently. Yes. Gay, apparently.
144 00:12:04,240 00:12:06,834 But just like Patrick in every respect. But just like Patrick in every respect.
145 00:12:09,240 00:12:12,710 I suppose it must just be coincidence, that other. I suppose it must just be coincidence, that other.
146 00:12:13,000 00:12:14,638 But I thought... Oh. But I thought... Oh.
147 00:12:15,000 00:12:16,070 Tsk, tsk, tsk. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
148 00:12:16,240 00:12:18,516 What's this she's left behind? What's this she's left behind?
149 00:12:18,960 00:12:21,520 Do you mean they're completely identical? Do you mean they're completely identical?
150 00:12:21,720 00:12:25,429 Sorry? Oh, well, yes. Facially, the spitting image. Sorry? Oh, well, yes. Facially, the spitting image.
151 00:12:27,360 00:12:29,351 I wonder why he never said anything. I wonder why he never said anything.
152 00:12:29,440 00:12:31,750 —Who? —Patrick. —Who? —Patrick.
153 00:12:32,640 00:12:33,835 What about? What about?
154 00:12:34,600 00:12:37,752 Perhaps they just try and steer clear of each other. Perhaps they just try and steer clear of each other.
155 00:12:37,840 00:12:42,073 I mean, if you've got a twin brother who's gay, it could lead to all sorts of mix—ups. I mean, if you've got a twin brother who's gay, it could lead to all sorts of mix—ups.
156 00:12:43,280 00:12:45,749 Do you want to peel those potatoes while I get this pie on? Do you want to peel those potatoes while I get this pie on?
157 00:12:45,840 00:12:47,274 Yeah. Can do. Yeah. Can do.
158 00:12:48,320 00:12:49,310 What's this? What's this?
159 00:12:50,080 00:12:53,391 Oh, I don't know. Some video that Pippa left behind. Oh, I don't know. Some video that Pippa left behind.
160 00:12:55,480 00:12:59,110 "Dwayne Spartacus and Mighty Joe Schlong "Dwayne Spartacus and Mighty Joe Schlong
161 00:13:00,600 00:13:02,432 "in Mounted Police 5, " "in Mounted Police 5, "
162 00:13:03,480 00:13:06,711 Yes, I might sit and watch that after tea if there's nothing else on, Yes, I might sit and watch that after tea if there's nothing else on,
163 00:13:06,800 00:13:08,677 while you do the washing up. while you do the washing up.
164 00:13:13,760 00:13:17,515 Now, can we imagine in our wildest dreams that he's been back to fix it? Now, can we imagine in our wildest dreams that he's been back to fix it?
165 00:13:17,600 00:13:20,319 After he's just won a fortune on the lottery? After he's just won a fortune on the lottery?
166 00:13:20,400 00:13:24,553 I should think he's jacked the job in. He's halfway to Barbados by now. I should think he's jacked the job in. He's halfway to Barbados by now.
167 00:13:27,360 00:13:30,716 Or have a few firm words on the phone this morning Or have a few firm words on the phone this morning
168 00:13:30,800 00:13:32,950 taught him the error of his ways? taught him the error of his ways?
169 00:13:49,080 00:13:51,640 The little bastard. I'll kill him. The little bastard. I'll kill him.
170 00:13:53,400 00:13:55,277 (MEN GROANING ON TV) (MEN GROANING ON TV)
171 00:13:59,560 00:14:01,676 (MEN MOANING ON TV) (MEN MOANING ON TV)
172 00:14:02,320 00:14:03,674 Victor. Victor.
173 00:14:05,840 00:14:07,592 VICTOR: Yes. VICTOR: Yes.
174 00:14:08,320 00:14:10,311 What is this racket...? What is this racket...?
175 00:14:22,920 00:14:24,797 What is this? What is this?
176 00:14:26,440 00:14:28,238 It's not Dixon of Dark Green. It's not Dixon of Dark Green.
177 00:14:29,160 00:14:30,195 (YELPING) (YELPING)
178 00:14:43,680 00:14:49,517 Can you imagine going out and buying your brother—in—law something like that? Can you imagine going out and buying your brother—in—law something like that?
179 00:14:50,360 00:14:52,670 Hard stuff, she said. Hard stuff, she said.
180 00:14:52,760 00:14:54,478 My God! My God!
181 00:14:55,680 00:14:57,637 I mean, I mean,
182 00:14:57,720 00:15:00,917 is that what some men actually... is that what some men actually...
183 00:15:01,000 00:15:04,834 —Where do you think she got it? —I don't know. —Where do you think she got it? —I don't know.
184 00:15:04,920 00:15:09,471 All I know is that's your first job tomorrow morning, to take it back to them. All I know is that's your first job tomorrow morning, to take it back to them.
185 00:15:11,400 00:15:13,835 Where did I put those smelling salts? Where did I put those smelling salts?
186 00:15:26,760 00:15:30,071 Oh, thanks for polishing off my cabernet. Oh, thanks for polishing off my cabernet.
187 00:15:30,320 00:15:32,789 I've been looking forward to that all afternoon. I've been looking forward to that all afternoon.
188 00:15:32,880 00:15:35,679 Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was going begging. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was going begging.
189 00:15:36,320 00:15:41,235 After all the upheaval today, I needed something to steady my nerves. After all the upheaval today, I needed something to steady my nerves.
190 00:15:42,760 00:15:44,239 What? What?
191 00:15:45,960 00:15:50,875 I don't know. I just suddenly felt a bit clogged up I don't know. I just suddenly felt a bit clogged up
192 00:15:51,600 00:15:54,797 from the... Some reason. from the... Some reason.
193 00:15:54,880 00:15:59,158 I mean, just look at that. You've done everything but suck the bloody cork. I mean, just look at that. You've done everything but suck the bloody cork.
194 00:16:00,840 00:16:03,116 Where is the cork anyway? Where is the cork anyway?
195 00:16:10,680 00:16:13,752 There's no way of saying this delicately, Patrick. There's no way of saying this delicately, Patrick.
196 00:16:16,120 00:16:18,157 It's gone quite a long way in. It's gone quite a long way in.
197 00:16:20,360 00:16:23,478 Don't just stand there twittering. Get it out. Don't just stand there twittering. Get it out.
198 00:16:23,560 00:16:27,838 Oh, right. What am I now? A qualified parasitologist? How? Oh, right. What am I now? A qualified parasitologist? How?
199 00:16:27,920 00:16:31,470 Well, I don't know. How do you normally get a cork out? Well, I don't know. How do you normally get a cork out?
200 00:16:32,320 00:16:33,833 I suppose. I suppose.
201 00:16:40,480 00:16:46,351 Not that one, you witless woman. The one in the drawer that we take on holiday. Not that one, you witless woman. The one in the drawer that we take on holiday.
202 00:16:47,040 00:16:48,553 How's that going to work? How's that going to work?
203 00:17:01,320 00:17:04,039 I feel very uncomfortable doing this. I feel very uncomfortable doing this.
204 00:17:04,840 00:17:09,550 Isn't that funny? Whereas I seem to be growing ever more relaxed and confident. Isn't that funny? Whereas I seem to be growing ever more relaxed and confident.
205 00:17:09,960 00:17:12,554 Can you just get on with it, please? Can you just get on with it, please?
206 00:17:17,080 00:17:18,912 (PATRICK SCREAMING) (PATRICK SCREAMING)
207 00:17:19,440 00:17:23,718 I'm sorry about that. Perhaps we'd better call the hospital. I'm sorry about that. Perhaps we'd better call the hospital.
208 00:17:46,200 00:17:49,397 Morning, Mr Meldrew. You're up bright and early. Morning, Mr Meldrew. You're up bright and early.
209 00:17:50,960 00:17:52,314 I thought... I thought...
210 00:17:52,760 00:17:55,593 You never said you were only moving two doors along. You never said you were only moving two doors along.
211 00:17:55,680 00:17:58,115 Sorry? Oh, yes. I always wanted an end—house Sorry? Oh, yes. I always wanted an end—house
212 00:17:58,200 00:18:01,830 and, as I say, wanted to make a fresh start without really leaving the area. and, as I say, wanted to make a fresh start without really leaving the area.
213 00:18:01,920 00:18:06,915 So, soon as I heard the McVities were emigrating, I leapt straight in with an offer. So, soon as I heard the McVities were emigrating, I leapt straight in with an offer.
214 00:18:07,000 00:18:09,276 Of course, I still haven't found a buyer for number 21, Of course, I still haven't found a buyer for number 21,
215 00:18:09,360 00:18:12,318 but isn't that funny? You didn't know about it. but isn't that funny? You didn't know about it.
216 00:18:12,400 00:18:14,391 —Funny? Why... —MARGARET: Morning, Mr Swainey. —Funny? Why... —MARGARET: Morning, Mr Swainey.
217 00:18:14,480 00:18:16,198 —You settling in all right? -Oh, yes. —You settling in all right? -Oh, yes.
218 00:18:16,280 00:18:18,317 There's that news report I was telling you about. There's that news report I was telling you about.
219 00:18:18,400 00:18:20,550 You see what you make of that when you have a moment. You see what you make of that when you have a moment.
220 00:18:20,640 00:18:23,029 I will, Mrs Meldrew. Sounds very intriguing. I will, Mrs Meldrew. Sounds very intriguing.
221 00:18:23,640 00:18:27,759 That was another thing, Mr Meldrew. I've got a couple coming round to view at 3:00. That was another thing, Mr Meldrew. I've got a couple coming round to view at 3:00.
222 00:18:27,840 00:18:31,276 The estate agent says they sound quite serious. Mr and Mrs Gleeson. The estate agent says they sound quite serious. Mr and Mrs Gleeson.
223 00:18:31,360 00:18:34,478 Oh, right. Fingers crossed there, then. Oh, right. Fingers crossed there, then.
224 00:18:34,560 00:18:37,678 Yes, he said that the husband was a very nasty piece of work, apparently. Yes, he said that the husband was a very nasty piece of work, apparently.
225 00:18:37,760 00:18:41,754 Very violent. And by all accounts, it's a total fluke he found the place. Very violent. And by all accounts, it's a total fluke he found the place.
226 00:18:41,840 00:18:45,993 Apparently, he was in the area yesterday morning, having lunch at some pub Apparently, he was in the area yesterday morning, having lunch at some pub
227 00:18:46,080 00:18:49,198 when some lunatic stuck a load of maggots in his food. when some lunatic stuck a load of maggots in his food.
228 00:18:49,280 00:18:53,194 Said he tried to drive after him but lost him at the roundabout just down the road here Said he tried to drive after him but lost him at the roundabout just down the road here
229 00:18:53,280 00:18:55,794 and that's when he noticed my sign post. and that's when he noticed my sign post.
230 00:18:55,880 00:18:56,995 —Really? —Yes. —Really? —Yes.
231 00:18:57,080 00:19:01,517 Yes, he says if he ever sees this chap again, he's going to beat the living shit out of him. Yes, he says if he ever sees this chap again, he's going to beat the living shit out of him.
232 00:19:01,760 00:19:03,512 Never heard such language. Never heard such language.
233 00:19:03,600 00:19:06,877 But anyway, I'll bring him round later so you two can get to know each other. But anyway, I'll bring him round later so you two can get to know each other.
234 00:19:06,960 00:19:09,998 I'm sure he's not as bad as he sounds. See you later, then, Mr Meldrew. I'm sure he's not as bad as he sounds. See you later, then, Mr Meldrew.
235 00:19:10,080 00:19:12,549 There's no need to go to all that trouble, Mr... There's no need to go to all that trouble, Mr...
236 00:19:20,280 00:19:22,430 chucking it down out there. chucking it down out there.
237 00:19:22,960 00:19:25,429 Why don't you just leave it till later? Why don't you just leave it till later?
238 00:19:25,520 00:19:27,796 If I leave it till later, the place will be packed. If I leave it till later, the place will be packed.
239 00:19:27,880 00:19:31,794 With all the usual walking wounded, people with tennis rackets through their heads, With all the usual walking wounded, people with tennis rackets through their heads,
240 00:19:31,880 00:19:34,394 I'll be lucky to see a doctor this side of Christmas. I'll be lucky to see a doctor this side of Christmas.
241 00:19:34,880 00:19:40,637 So how do you think they're going to get it out? So how do you think they're going to get it out?
242 00:19:42,320 00:19:46,632 Well, I imagine they'll just give me eight pints of Tizer and tell everyone to stand well back. Well, I imagine they'll just give me eight pints of Tizer and tell everyone to stand well back.
243 00:19:46,720 00:19:50,315 I'm sure they have a tried and tested procedure for this sort of thing. I'm sure they have a tried and tested procedure for this sort of thing.
244 00:19:50,400 00:19:53,677 Why is it we don't have any umbrellas any longer? Why is it we don't have any umbrellas any longer?
245 00:19:53,760 00:19:56,957 Because you keep leaving them all in restaurants. Because you keep leaving them all in restaurants.
246 00:19:57,160 00:20:00,676 Oh, hang on. I think I left that lavender one of mine in the kitchen. Oh, hang on. I think I left that lavender one of mine in the kitchen.
247 00:20:00,760 00:20:01,909 Lavender one? Lavender one?
248 00:20:02,000 00:20:05,038 Yes, if you think I'm going to be seen walking around with that in my hand, Yes, if you think I'm going to be seen walking around with that in my hand,
249 00:20:05,120 00:20:06,349 you're very much mistaken. you're very much mistaken.
250 00:20:06,440 00:20:07,839 (THUNDER RUMBLING) (THUNDER RUMBLING)
251 00:20:36,440 00:20:41,435 Excuse me. We've never met before. My name is Victor Meldrew. Excuse me. We've never met before. My name is Victor Meldrew.
252 00:20:42,160 00:20:46,279 I'm a friend of your sister—in—law's, and I think she might have... I'm a friend of your sister—in—law's, and I think she might have...
253 00:20:46,920 00:20:51,198 Well, anyway, this is yours, I think, so... Well, anyway, this is yours, I think, so...
254 00:21:05,240 00:21:08,949 SKIP HOBERMAN: (ON TV) A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds SKIP HOBERMAN: (ON TV) A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds
255 00:21:09,160 00:21:11,197 waits for another dawn to break. waits for another dawn to break.
256 00:21:11,640 00:21:15,520 But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack. But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack.
257 00:21:15,680 00:21:21,995 And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions. And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions.
258 00:21:23,080 00:21:29,429 This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass. This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass.
259 00:21:37,080 00:21:38,673 Yes, well. Yes, well.
260 00:21:39,120 00:21:43,717 If you want to know about pubs, the man to ask is probably my husband, If you want to know about pubs, the man to ask is probably my husband,
261 00:21:44,360 00:21:47,990 who should be home... Oh, talk of the devil. who should be home... Oh, talk of the devil.
262 00:21:48,360 00:21:51,955 Well, that gives us a chance to get off now, doesn't it? Well, that gives us a chance to get off now, doesn't it?
263 00:21:52,560 00:21:54,471 I said I'd give you a hand I said I'd give you a hand
264 00:21:54,880 00:21:57,235 to take that stuff up the tip before it closes. to take that stuff up the tip before it closes.
265 00:21:57,320 00:21:59,675 Oh, yes. That would be handy. Oh, yes. That would be handy.
266 00:21:59,800 00:22:03,350 I'm home. Margaret? Sorry about the time. I'm home. Margaret? Sorry about the time.
267 00:22:03,480 00:22:07,235 I didn't want to get here too soon in case he came round with that ruddy... I didn't want to get here too soon in case he came round with that ruddy...
268 00:22:07,320 00:22:09,596 Yes, Victor. Yes, Victor.
269 00:22:11,040 00:22:15,910 When you come downstairs, perhaps you'd like to have a wee chat with Mr and Mrs Gleeson, When you come downstairs, perhaps you'd like to have a wee chat with Mr and Mrs Gleeson,
270 00:22:16,080 00:22:18,720 who may soon be moving in next door. who may soon be moving in next door.
271 00:22:18,920 00:22:21,799 Mr Swainey and I are just popping out for half an hour. Mr Swainey and I are just popping out for half an hour.
272 00:22:21,880 00:22:24,918 Well, nice to have met you both. Bye. Well, nice to have met you both. Bye.
273 00:22:32,640 00:22:34,677 Now, I'm not saying he will get out. Now, I'm not saying he will get out.
274 00:22:34,800 00:22:38,759 But if he does, you don't let him know you're frightened, okay? But if he does, you don't let him know you're frightened, okay?
275 00:22:38,960 00:22:42,157 That's the worst thing you can do with a pit bull, that is. That's the worst thing you can do with a pit bull, that is.
276 00:22:47,920 00:22:51,311 Right, so he's not dangerous, then, exactly. Right, so he's not dangerous, then, exactly.
277 00:22:51,400 00:22:52,470 Dangerous? Dangerous?
278 00:22:52,560 00:22:57,270 He killed a bleeding swan the other day and brought it back to the house, didn't he? He killed a bleeding swan the other day and brought it back to the house, didn't he?
279 00:22:57,360 00:23:00,876 As I say, you got to use a bit of psychology. As I say, you got to use a bit of psychology.
280 00:23:04,680 00:23:09,754 Well, I don't want to hurry you both, but the way the traffic is at this end of town, oh! Well, I don't want to hurry you both, but the way the traffic is at this end of town, oh!
281 00:23:09,840 00:23:11,990 All right. All right.
282 00:23:13,960 00:23:17,669 So hope to see you again, perhaps in the near future. So hope to see you again, perhaps in the near future.
283 00:23:17,760 00:23:21,549 —Thanks for the beers. —Not at all. Thank you. Bye. —Thanks for the beers. —Not at all. Thank you. Bye.
284 00:23:34,320 00:23:39,394 Okay, so you like the taste of worms. Okay, so you like the taste of worms.
285 00:23:47,240 00:23:52,360 Well, thanks very much, then, Mrs Meldrew. I appreciate you spending the time. Well, thanks very much, then, Mrs Meldrew. I appreciate you spending the time.
286 00:23:52,440 00:23:56,877 Yes. I'm surprised at how much junk you do accumulate over the years Yes. I'm surprised at how much junk you do accumulate over the years
287 00:23:57,480 00:23:59,357 without even being aware of it. without even being aware of it.
288 00:24:00,040 00:24:02,953 Could do with a good clear—out ourselves one of these days, Could do with a good clear—out ourselves one of these days,
289 00:24:03,200 00:24:04,679 if it comes to that. if it comes to that.
290 00:24:05,920 00:24:07,354 Are you all right, Mr Swainey? Are you all right, Mr Swainey?
291 00:24:07,440 00:24:11,229 I thought you'd be more chipper today with the new house and everything. I thought you'd be more chipper today with the new house and everything.
292 00:24:11,320 00:24:13,152 Oh, yeah, yeah, well, of course, I am. Oh, yeah, yeah, well, of course, I am.
293 00:24:13,680 00:24:15,079 I suppose. I suppose.
294 00:24:16,960 00:24:20,112 It's ever since I gave you that tape to watch. It's ever since I gave you that tape to watch.
295 00:24:21,320 00:24:24,711 That man, he wasn't anyone you... That man, he wasn't anyone you...
296 00:24:26,040 00:24:28,554 —He wasn't a relative or anything? -Oh, no, no, no, no. —He wasn't a relative or anything? -Oh, no, no, no, no.
297 00:24:28,640 00:24:33,589 It's just a bit of a shock to the system, something like that, It's just a bit of a shock to the system, something like that,
298 00:24:33,680 00:24:36,194 as if, I don't know, as if, I don't know,
299 00:24:37,880 00:24:40,394 someone was taunting me someone was taunting me
300 00:24:41,200 00:24:44,511 with a glimpse of the man I should have been. with a glimpse of the man I should have been.
301 00:24:46,720 00:24:50,509 It's hard to imagine Skip Hoberman living at home with his mother for 40 years, It's hard to imagine Skip Hoberman living at home with his mother for 40 years,
302 00:24:50,600 00:24:52,238 running tombolas running tombolas
303 00:24:53,760 00:24:56,195 like an overgrown Boy Scout. like an overgrown Boy Scout.
304 00:25:01,080 00:25:04,198 Life isn't just about ambition, Mr Swainey. Life isn't just about ambition, Mr Swainey.
305 00:25:05,240 00:25:07,595 Just earning the respect of others Just earning the respect of others
306 00:25:07,680 00:25:12,117 as a decent and gentle human being as a decent and gentle human being
307 00:25:12,200 00:25:14,760 is enough for anyone to be proud of. is enough for anyone to be proud of.
308 00:25:15,200 00:25:19,797 Oh, yeah, I've certainly wheeled a lot of old ladies about, Mrs Meldrew, Oh, yeah, I've certainly wheeled a lot of old ladies about, Mrs Meldrew,
309 00:25:22,320 00:25:24,914 but who's gonna wheel me about? but who's gonna wheel me about?
310 00:25:41,520 00:25:42,999 Victor! Victor!
311 00:25:46,040 00:25:51,160 I suppose all this will be going into your lecture, will it? To the Women's Institute? I suppose all this will be going into your lecture, will it? To the Women's Institute?
312 00:25:52,840 00:25:57,516 Oh, did you get rid of that other monstrosity, by the way, this morning? I forgot to ask. Oh, did you get rid of that other monstrosity, by the way, this morning? I forgot to ask.
313 00:25:58,520 00:26:01,273 I never want to see the likes of that again. I never want to see the likes of that again.
314 00:26:02,720 00:26:07,635 What is it for them, do you think, about American policemen that's so exciting? What is it for them, do you think, about American policemen that's so exciting?
315 00:26:08,080 00:26:14,315 Yes, it's hard to imagine having an erotic fantasy about Officer Dibble in Top Cat. Yes, it's hard to imagine having an erotic fantasy about Officer Dibble in Top Cat.
316 00:26:15,320 00:26:17,880 I suppose it must just be a combination I suppose it must just be a combination
317 00:26:18,640 00:26:21,154 of that kind of thing and... of that kind of thing and...
318 00:26:24,120 00:26:25,997 Policeman and... Policeman and...
319 00:26:27,280 00:26:29,840 Oh, no. Oh, no.
320 00:26:30,600 00:26:32,113 You would... You would...
321 00:26:42,040 00:26:47,194 Yesterday afternoon, when you bought that stuff from Dodgy Douglas... Yesterday afternoon, when you bought that stuff from Dodgy Douglas...
322 00:26:47,280 00:26:48,759 Yes? Yes?
323 00:26:49,720 00:26:54,556 He said he had some nice popcorn out the back, if you fancied it. He said he had some nice popcorn out the back, if you fancied it.
324 00:26:55,040 00:26:56,155 Yes. Yes.
325 00:26:56,840 00:26:58,319 And you said... And you said...
326 00:26:58,800 00:27:01,189 Oh, God, Victor! Oh, God, Victor!
327 00:27:02,200 00:27:04,510 What? What have I done now? What? What have I done now?
328 00:27:05,480 00:27:08,632 That tape didn't come out of Pippa's bag in there at all. That tape didn't come out of Pippa's bag in there at all.
329 00:27:08,720 00:27:10,313 It must've fallen out of yours. It must've fallen out of yours.
330 00:27:10,400 00:27:12,471 How could it come out of my bag? How could it come out of my bag?
331 00:27:12,560 00:27:15,029 'Cause when you came out of that shop yesterday afternoon, 'Cause when you came out of that shop yesterday afternoon,
332 00:27:15,120 00:27:17,999 you came out with a video of cop porn. you came out with a video of cop porn.
333 00:27:22,680 00:27:26,799 As if that wasn't bad enough, we've just handed it over to... As if that wasn't bad enough, we've just handed it over to...
334 00:27:27,760 00:27:29,797 What are they going to think? What are they going to think?
335 00:27:39,920 00:27:41,911 Right, I'll be off in a sec, then. Right, I'll be off in a sec, then.
336 00:27:42,520 00:27:43,954 You gonna be all right this evening? You gonna be all right this evening?
337 00:27:44,040 00:27:49,399 I'm not gonna come home and find you with a marmite lid up your bottom or anything? I'm not gonna come home and find you with a marmite lid up your bottom or anything?
338 00:27:50,720 00:27:52,313 (PHONE RINGING) (PHONE RINGING)
339 00:27:52,720 00:27:53,994 Trench. Trench.
340 00:27:55,040 00:28:00,240 I'm sorry, Mr Meldrew? Video. Yes, yes, I did give the title a quick glance. I'm sorry, Mr Meldrew? Video. Yes, yes, I did give the title a quick glance.
341 00:28:00,320 00:28:02,834 Something to do with Canadian Mounties, wasn't it? Something to do with Canadian Mounties, wasn't it?
342 00:28:02,920 00:28:05,673 Yes, as it happens, I was up at the hospital this morning. Yes, as it happens, I was up at the hospital this morning.
343 00:28:05,760 00:28:08,991 They were appealing for donations for the new children's annexe. They were appealing for donations for the new children's annexe.
344 00:28:09,080 00:28:11,640 Books, videos, toys, that sort of thing. Books, videos, toys, that sort of thing.
345 00:28:11,720 00:28:14,314 And there was a big plastic skip just inside the door, And there was a big plastic skip just inside the door,
346 00:28:14,440 00:28:16,397 so I put it in there. so I put it in there.
347 00:28:16,800 00:28:18,791 Sorry, Mr Meldrew, are you all right? Sorry, Mr Meldrew, are you all right?
348 00:28:19,480 00:28:23,269 It just sounded like you were having some kind of pulmonary embolism. It just sounded like you were having some kind of pulmonary embolism.
349 00:28:24,320 00:28:26,231 Video? What video is this, then? Video? What video is this, then?
350 00:28:26,320 00:28:29,676 This one here containing hardcore gay pornography. This one here containing hardcore gay pornography.
351 00:28:29,920 00:28:32,833 Quite what compelled him to give it to me in the first place Quite what compelled him to give it to me in the first place
352 00:28:32,920 00:28:34,718 will almost certainly never be known, will almost certainly never be known,
353 00:28:34,800 00:28:38,350 but it is, I fear, a deranged act which cannot go unpunished. but it is, I fear, a deranged act which cannot go unpunished.
354 00:28:40,760 00:28:42,512 Well, what now? Well, what now?
355 00:28:42,720 00:28:45,792 It's in a bin at the Chartres General. It's in a bin at the Chartres General.
356 00:28:45,880 00:28:49,555 And that casualty closes at 8:00. The cases are passed on to the Bedford. And that casualty closes at 8:00. The cases are passed on to the Bedford.
357 00:28:49,720 00:28:52,360 —Well, we can't just leave it there. —No. —Well, we can't just leave it there. —No.
358 00:28:54,040 00:28:56,190 We certainly can't. We certainly can't.
359 00:28:59,600 00:29:01,671 (WHISTLING) (WHISTLING)
360 00:29:02,280 00:29:06,478 Why is it whenever you're in a good mood, I break out in a cold sweat? Why is it whenever you're in a good mood, I break out in a cold sweat?
361 00:29:07,200 00:29:09,714 Go on, what have you found? Go on, what have you found?
362 00:29:09,840 00:29:12,480 Just a brief but rather satisfying item in the local. Just a brief but rather satisfying item in the local.
363 00:29:12,560 00:29:14,995 Under the heading, "Angling for Trouble." Under the heading, "Angling for Trouble."
364 00:29:15,080 00:29:18,869 Says, "Police were called to the Accident and Emergency wing of Chartres General Says, "Police were called to the Accident and Emergency wing of Chartres General
365 00:29:18,960 00:29:22,476 "on Friday night to investigate reports of a madman on the hospital roof. "on Friday night to investigate reports of a madman on the hospital roof.
366 00:29:23,120 00:29:27,273 "The man, believed to be in his 605, was discovered squatting near a hole "The man, believed to be in his 605, was discovered squatting near a hole
367 00:29:27,360 00:29:31,593 "in the glass skylight, where he appeared to be fishing into a box of toys. "in the glass skylight, where he appeared to be fishing into a box of toys.
368 00:29:32,800 00:29:36,634 "As the officers watched, he proceeded to reel in a succession of video cassettes "As the officers watched, he proceeded to reel in a succession of video cassettes
369 00:29:36,720 00:29:40,793 "each of which he unhooked, glanced at and then threw back again. "each of which he unhooked, glanced at and then threw back again.
370 00:29:42,040 00:29:46,273 "The man, who was later escorted off the premises screaming incoherently about popcorn, "The man, who was later escorted off the premises screaming incoherently about popcorn,
371 00:29:46,360 00:29:50,069 "was subsequently identified as Mr..." Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. "was subsequently identified as Mr..." Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
372 00:29:50,160 00:29:52,993 So I suppose you're on top of the world now. So I suppose you're on top of the world now.
373 00:29:53,080 00:29:54,673 (WHISTLING) (WHISTLING)
374 00:30:01,240 00:30:02,674 Look at this. Look at this.
375 00:30:03,520 00:30:06,512 I sent a pocket calculator away to be repaired, I sent a pocket calculator away to be repaired,
376 00:30:09,400 00:30:12,119 and it comes back in all this lot. and it comes back in all this lot.
377 00:30:13,400 00:30:16,711 I've just been talking to Mr Swainey out there. He's in a good mood. I've just been talking to Mr Swainey out there. He's in a good mood.
378 00:30:16,920 00:30:20,356 Apparently, that Skip Hoberman's just been blown up by a land mine. Apparently, that Skip Hoberman's just been blown up by a land mine.
379 00:30:21,480 00:30:24,871 He's taking it as a sign. You're better off not trying to be a hero. He's taking it as a sign. You're better off not trying to be a hero.
380 00:30:25,240 00:30:29,199 I mean, this is the ultimate proof, isn't it, that we're descended from apes. I mean, this is the ultimate proof, isn't it, that we're descended from apes.
381 00:30:29,280 00:30:30,839 Polystyrene. Polystyrene.
382 00:30:31,360 00:30:33,510 Bloody stuff. What are you supposed to do with it? Bloody stuff. What are you supposed to do with it?
383 00:30:33,600 00:30:36,558 You can't fold it. You can't squash it. You can't bend it. You can't fold it. You can't squash it. You can't bend it.
384 00:30:36,640 00:30:39,200 Don't start. Oh, stop that! Don't start. Oh, stop that!
385 00:30:39,280 00:30:40,509 Look, look, Look, look,
386 00:30:40,600 00:30:43,797 the little white globules stuck in the carpet like dandruff. the little white globules stuck in the carpet like dandruff.
387 00:30:43,880 00:30:46,110 If you must do that, take it outside. If you must do that, take it outside.
388 00:30:46,200 00:30:50,159 Now, then, I know what this'll be. From cousin Ivor. Now, then, I know what this'll be. From cousin Ivor.
389 00:30:50,520 00:30:54,275 Dropped him a line to ask him when he wanted me to give my talk. Dropped him a line to ask him when he wanted me to give my talk.
390 00:31:03,880 00:31:06,394 Oh, wonderful. Oh, wonderful.
391 00:31:07,360 00:31:09,670 —Well, that's that, then. —Why? What does he say? —Well, that's that, then. —Why? What does he say?
392 00:31:10,520 00:31:13,478 "Dear Victor, thank you for your recent enquiry. "Dear Victor, thank you for your recent enquiry.
393 00:31:13,560 00:31:17,474 "Unfortunately, when we asked if you could address a meeting of the Women's Institute, "Unfortunately, when we asked if you could address a meeting of the Women's Institute,
394 00:31:17,560 00:31:19,756 "we were not being entirely serious. "we were not being entirely serious.
395 00:31:22,560 00:31:25,029 "'Can you imagine,' Gladys says, "'Can you imagine,' Gladys says,
396 00:31:25,200 00:31:29,080 “trying to sell tickets to a talk by Victor Meldrew? “trying to sell tickets to a talk by Victor Meldrew?
397 00:31:29,160 00:31:31,674 “We wouldn't be able to pay people to come!” “We wouldn't be able to pay people to come!”
398 00:31:33,480 00:31:35,278 Exclamation mark. Exclamation mark.
399 00:31:36,200 00:31:39,716 "Well, our best wishes and love to Margaret. Ivor." "Well, our best wishes and love to Margaret. Ivor."
400 00:32:01,560 00:32:04,598 (ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA BY RICHARD STRAUSS PLAYING) (ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA BY RICHARD STRAUSS PLAYING)