# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:06,080 00:00:09,277 Ah. Misery me. Ah. Misery me.
2 00:00:14,280 00:00:15,270 (SIGHING LOUDLY) (SIGHING LOUDLY)
3 00:00:35,400 00:00:36,390 (SIGHING) (SIGHING)
4 00:00:50,480 00:00:52,994 Beggars belief, doesn't it? Beggars belief, doesn't it?
5 00:00:53,080 00:00:56,550 We haven't got one decent candle in the whole house. We haven't got one decent candle in the whole house.
6 00:00:57,480 00:01:00,359 Don't know how long this lot are going to last. Don't know how long this lot are going to last.
7 00:01:03,240 00:01:07,552 —Don't know where to put them for the best. —I know where I'd like to put them. —Don't know where to put them for the best. —I know where I'd like to put them.
8 00:01:09,640 00:01:11,551 Just be patient. Just be patient.
9 00:01:11,960 00:01:14,474 I expect it'll come back on any minute. I expect it'll come back on any minute.
10 00:01:14,560 00:01:15,550 (SIGHING) (SIGHING)
11 00:01:15,640 00:01:19,679 And stop sighing like that. You're sucking up all the oxygen. And stop sighing like that. You're sucking up all the oxygen.
12 00:01:26,840 00:01:31,277 Typical, isn't it? The hottest day of the bloody year. Typical, isn't it? The hottest day of the bloody year.
13 00:01:32,640 00:01:37,476 What a good job we bought these three giant Chillmaster electric fans last week. What a good job we bought these three giant Chillmaster electric fans last week.
14 00:01:38,720 00:01:41,758 They're just the ticket for a night like this. They're just the ticket for a night like this.
15 00:01:47,120 00:01:50,397 —I have a good mind to go to bed. —Well, why don't you? —I have a good mind to go to bed. —Well, why don't you?
16 00:01:50,840 00:01:55,550 I wouldn't sleep this early. I never get off till about 3:00 in the morning as it is. I wouldn't sleep this early. I never get off till about 3:00 in the morning as it is.
17 00:01:56,000 00:01:59,072 Just lying there all tense and jittery. Just lying there all tense and jittery.
18 00:01:59,160 00:02:00,719 Don't I know it. Don't I know it.
19 00:02:01,200 00:02:06,115 The way you were twitching about on your stomach last night like a porpoise having a seizure. The way you were twitching about on your stomach last night like a porpoise having a seizure.
20 00:02:06,920 00:02:11,312 Squirming about with your bottom all clenched up to kingdom come. Squirming about with your bottom all clenched up to kingdom come.
21 00:02:11,680 00:02:13,830 God knows what you were dreaming about. God knows what you were dreaming about.
22 00:02:13,920 00:02:17,356 I told you not to watch Deliverance before you went to bed. I told you not to watch Deliverance before you went to bed.
23 00:02:20,400 00:02:23,791 There'll be claw marks on that headboard now for evermore. There'll be claw marks on that headboard now for evermore.
24 00:02:24,920 00:02:28,709 Some people grind their teeth in their sleep. You grind your buttocks. Some people grind their teeth in their sleep. You grind your buttocks.
25 00:02:29,560 00:02:31,073 Yes, all right. Yes, all right.
26 00:02:31,160 00:02:34,073 I could have sharpened a pencil up there last night. I could have sharpened a pencil up there last night.
27 00:02:34,760 00:02:37,070 I said, all right. I said, all right.
28 00:02:37,560 00:02:40,757 I don't want to be reminded about it, thank you very much. I don't want to be reminded about it, thank you very much.
29 00:02:42,880 00:02:46,669 And don't open that window. We'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes. And don't open that window. We'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes.
30 00:02:47,200 00:02:49,237 It's the same every summer. It's the same every summer.
31 00:02:49,320 00:02:53,837 That ruddy ornamental pond of hers across the road turns into a public health hazard. That ruddy ornamental pond of hers across the road turns into a public health hazard.
32 00:02:57,040 00:03:00,271 No, perhaps I'll just stick my head in the fish tank. No, perhaps I'll just stick my head in the fish tank.
33 00:03:00,360 00:03:02,749 I mean, what am I supposed to do? I mean, what am I supposed to do?
34 00:03:04,080 00:03:06,833 It's like a bake house in here. It's like a bake house in here.
35 00:03:09,040 00:03:13,238 Look at these chrysanths. Three days and wilting already. Look at these chrysanths. Three days and wilting already.
36 00:03:14,200 00:03:17,955 Never mind plant food. I should give you a sachet of Viagra. Never mind plant food. I should give you a sachet of Viagra.
37 00:03:20,040 00:03:21,838 Bloody things. Bloody things.
38 00:03:22,560 00:03:23,550 (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING)
39 00:03:25,640 00:03:29,190 I got that sharp pain all down my front again. I got that sharp pain all down my front again.
40 00:03:29,880 00:03:31,996 You can't tell me that's wind. You can't tell me that's wind.
41 00:03:32,080 00:03:33,878 All those monkey nuts you were eating in the bath, All those monkey nuts you were eating in the bath,
42 00:03:33,960 00:03:36,600 I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone. I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone.
43 00:03:37,800 00:03:41,839 Lying there with all the little husks floating about like canoes. Lying there with all the little husks floating about like canoes.
44 00:03:41,920 00:03:44,196 No wonder you didn't finish your tea. No wonder you didn't finish your tea.
45 00:03:44,360 00:03:49,036 Yes, well, I needed a bath after buggering about all morning with that new lawn mower. Yes, well, I needed a bath after buggering about all morning with that new lawn mower.
46 00:03:51,640 00:03:56,191 Three words destined to strike fear into any man. Three words destined to strike fear into any man.
47 00:03:56,680 00:03:59,479 "Easy home assembly." "Easy home assembly."
48 00:04:01,720 00:04:04,917 Just putting the grass box together took four hours. Just putting the grass box together took four hours.
49 00:04:05,120 00:04:09,034 Every time you got a bit to stay in, so another bit would pop out. Every time you got a bit to stay in, so another bit would pop out.
50 00:04:09,120 00:04:13,034 I'll be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings in my sleep tonight. I'll be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings in my sleep tonight.
51 00:04:13,440 00:04:16,558 Doesn't matter how much you pay for something nowadays, Doesn't matter how much you pay for something nowadays,
52 00:04:16,640 00:04:19,280 they still expect you to put it together. they still expect you to put it together.
53 00:04:19,720 00:04:22,872 "Yes. Here's your boarding pass for the flight to Rome, Mr Meldrew. "Yes. Here's your boarding pass for the flight to Rome, Mr Meldrew.
54 00:04:22,960 00:04:26,590 "You'll find the plane lying in a flat pack at Gate 13. "You'll find the plane lying in a flat pack at Gate 13.
55 00:04:28,480 00:04:31,393 "Complete with a full set of instructions." "Complete with a full set of instructions."
56 00:04:36,560 00:04:39,439 Same with that lampshade I put up the other day. Same with that lampshade I put up the other day.
57 00:04:40,440 00:04:43,558 The chains on that were all lopsided. The chains on that were all lopsided.
58 00:04:43,680 00:04:47,036 So you've told me, about 100 times. So you've told me, about 100 times.
59 00:04:54,560 00:04:55,550 (SIGHING WITH RELIEF) (SIGHING WITH RELIEF)
60 00:05:05,680 00:05:07,717 Wonder fl R's ("John's Syndrome. Wonder fl R's ("John's Syndrome.
61 00:05:07,800 00:05:10,633 Will you stop prodding at it? Will you stop prodding at it?
62 00:05:10,920 00:05:12,991 You've been to the doctor's. You've been to the doctor's.
63 00:05:13,160 00:05:16,152 He's given you a thorough checkup all over. He's given you a thorough checkup all over.
64 00:05:16,240 00:05:17,958 Yes, that was another thing. Yes, that was another thing.
65 00:05:18,040 00:05:21,920 I got undressed and suddenly he starts staring at my feet I got undressed and suddenly he starts staring at my feet
66 00:05:22,360 00:05:25,352 and whistling as though he's never seen anything like it. and whistling as though he's never seen anything like it.
67 00:05:25,440 00:05:28,956 He said, "Do you mind if I take a photo of these for The Lancet?" He said, "Do you mind if I take a photo of these for The Lancet?"
68 00:05:30,000 00:05:33,675 —I mean, what was that all about? —Well, why didn't you ask him? —I mean, what was that all about? —Well, why didn't you ask him?
69 00:05:33,760 00:05:36,912 Well, I didn't like to, in case it was something hideous. Well, I didn't like to, in case it was something hideous.
70 00:05:37,960 00:05:40,793 Something else I've got to worry about. Something else I've got to worry about.
71 00:05:41,880 00:05:44,838 Both burning up. I can tell you that much. Both burning up. I can tell you that much.
72 00:05:48,520 00:05:49,510 (MOANING) (MOANING)
73 00:05:50,920 00:05:54,879 I wish I had bought that foot spa now we saw in Debenhams. I wish I had bought that foot spa now we saw in Debenhams.
74 00:05:55,640 00:06:00,077 Could have that lovely water whirling all over them and freshening them up. Could have that lovely water whirling all over them and freshening them up.
75 00:06:35,480 00:06:38,472 Any minute now, the cap. Any minute now, the cap.
76 00:06:40,240 00:06:42,800 And if I ever find the bastards who did this, And if I ever find the bastards who did this,
77 00:06:42,880 00:06:45,759 they'll know about it, I can tell you that much. they'll know about it, I can tell you that much.
78 00:06:46,080 00:06:50,233 Coming to it, when you can't put your cap down on a pub table to go to the toilet Coming to it, when you can't put your cap down on a pub table to go to the toilet
79 00:06:50,440 00:06:53,398 without someone stubbing a cigarette out in it. without someone stubbing a cigarette out in it.
80 00:06:53,760 00:06:55,592 If that's what happened. If that's what happened.
81 00:06:55,680 00:06:59,674 Well, I don't imagine it's a moth with a very healthy appetite. Well, I don't imagine it's a moth with a very healthy appetite.
82 00:07:00,560 00:07:03,996 Some yob's idea of an hilarious prank. Some yob's idea of an hilarious prank.
83 00:07:04,800 00:07:09,476 Why don't you go upstairs and do your Tai Chi? It might help you relax. Why don't you go upstairs and do your Tai Chi? It might help you relax.
84 00:07:09,560 00:07:13,713 It doesn't help me relax. It makes me feel like a complete idiot. It doesn't help me relax. It makes me feel like a complete idiot.
85 00:07:14,440 00:07:16,909 Well, Mr and Mrs Elsberry swear by it. Well, Mr and Mrs Elsberry swear by it.
86 00:07:17,000 00:07:18,798 Thought when they came over to give you some lessons, Thought when they came over to give you some lessons,
87 00:07:18,880 00:07:20,837 the three of you were getting on quite well together. the three of you were getting on quite well together.
88 00:07:20,920 00:07:23,639 We looked like Wilson, Keppel and Betty. We looked like Wilson, Keppel and Betty.
89 00:07:26,480 00:07:30,235 I got up at 6:00 this morning to go and do it in the park where no one could see me I got up at 6:00 this morning to go and do it in the park where no one could see me
90 00:07:30,320 00:07:31,754 and what happened? and what happened?
91 00:07:31,840 00:07:34,753 I did that thing where you have to squat right down I did that thing where you have to squat right down
92 00:07:34,840 00:07:36,911 and I couldn't get back up again. and I couldn't get back up again.
93 00:07:37,000 00:07:40,152 Had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee. Had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee.
94 00:07:42,760 00:07:45,036 I won't be trying that again. I won't be trying that again.
95 00:07:50,000 00:07:53,550 They say that hot air rises, don't they? They say that hot air rises, don't they?
96 00:07:54,560 00:07:56,995 Wonder if it's any cooler down here. Wonder if it's any cooler down here.
97 00:08:08,240 00:08:09,230 (SIGHING) (SIGHING)
98 00:08:17,120 00:08:18,474 Good book? Good book?
99 00:08:19,280 00:08:20,953 Extremely. Extremely.
100 00:08:21,040 00:08:24,999 And I've just got to the interesting bit. So, if you don't mind... And I've just got to the interesting bit. So, if you don't mind...
101 00:08:26,400 00:08:27,435 (SIGHING) (SIGHING)
102 00:08:33,840 00:08:36,912 Got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night. Got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night.
103 00:08:38,760 00:08:41,832 Great Aunt Joyce and Uncle Dick. Great Aunt Joyce and Uncle Dick.
104 00:08:43,360 00:08:46,239 I wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one. I wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one.
105 00:08:46,320 00:08:48,118 I expect so, yes. I expect so, yes.
106 00:08:49,920 00:08:52,958 I knew we were in for a pleasant evening when he came in and said, I knew we were in for a pleasant evening when he came in and said,
107 00:08:53,040 00:08:55,190 "Where shall I put the spittoon?" "Where shall I put the spittoon?"
108 00:08:59,320 00:09:03,109 Told him to make himself feel at home, so he took his false arm off. Told him to make himself feel at home, so he took his false arm off.
109 00:09:04,680 00:09:07,194 And said, "Ah, that's better." And said, "Ah, that's better."
110 00:09:08,120 00:09:10,350 Didn't know where to look. Didn't know where to look.
111 00:09:13,440 00:09:16,512 He was using it as a back scratcher at one point. He was using it as a back scratcher at one point.
112 00:09:22,320 00:09:24,834 -Oh, do you remember? —Yes. -Oh, do you remember? —Yes.
113 00:09:25,000 00:09:27,958 I mean, that's all you want to hear half way through a meal, isn't it? I mean, that's all you want to hear half way through a meal, isn't it?
114 00:09:28,040 00:09:31,396 "Don't make her laugh too much. Her glass eye is a bit loose." "Don't make her laugh too much. Her glass eye is a bit loose."
115 00:09:36,280 00:09:39,079 Right in a plate of salad. Right in a plate of salad.
116 00:09:40,720 00:09:43,075 And the eyesight's not that good in the other one. And the eyesight's not that good in the other one.
117 00:09:43,160 00:09:45,959 Shouting, "It's all right. I've got it." Shouting, "It's all right. I've got it."
118 00:09:48,240 00:09:51,949 Thought we'd never prise that cherry tomato out of the socket. Thought we'd never prise that cherry tomato out of the socket.
119 00:09:59,560 00:10:01,039 It's bad enough with the lawn mower It's bad enough with the lawn mower
120 00:10:01,120 00:10:04,476 without having to put the dinner guests back together. without having to put the dinner guests back together.
121 00:10:07,760 00:10:08,750 (SIGHING LOUDLY) (SIGHING LOUDLY)
122 00:10:11,080 00:10:14,118 If it's no better than this tomorrow, If it's no better than this tomorrow,
123 00:10:14,840 00:10:17,559 I may have to emigrate. I may have to emigrate.
124 00:10:17,800 00:10:21,316 Oh, what did the forecast say? Perhaps it'll be a bit cooler. Oh, what did the forecast say? Perhaps it'll be a bit cooler.
125 00:10:21,480 00:10:24,154 Yes, and perhaps it'll be hotter still. Yes, and perhaps it'll be hotter still.
126 00:10:24,920 00:10:28,072 You know I never watch the weather forecasts. You know I never watch the weather forecasts.
127 00:10:28,360 00:10:31,273 If it's a nice morning and they say it's going to be worse in the afternoon, If it's a nice morning and they say it's going to be worse in the afternoon,
128 00:10:31,360 00:10:33,590 how can you enjoy the morning? how can you enjoy the morning?
129 00:10:34,640 00:10:36,790 Best not to know about it. Best not to know about it.
130 00:10:38,240 00:10:40,675 It's the same with life in general. It's the same with life in general.
131 00:10:41,080 00:10:45,039 There are certain things you don't ever want to think about. There are certain things you don't ever want to think about.
132 00:10:45,120 00:10:46,599 What sort of things? What sort of things?
133 00:10:46,680 00:10:49,479 Well, I don't want to think about them, do I? Well, I don't want to think about them, do I?
134 00:10:52,560 00:10:55,279 And it's the only way you can go on, isn't it? And it's the only way you can go on, isn't it?
135 00:10:55,360 00:10:57,636 From one moment to the next. From one moment to the next.
136 00:10:58,520 00:11:01,239 I mean, if you knew now, I mean, if you knew now,
137 00:11:01,320 00:11:04,472 all the horrible things that were going to happen... all the horrible things that were going to happen...
138 00:11:12,240 00:11:15,392 For the love of buggery. For the love of buggery.
139 00:11:15,480 00:11:19,951 What did I say to you about making sure you put those screws in properly? What did I say to you about making sure you put those screws in properly?
140 00:11:20,440 00:11:23,558 —Oh! —You know what a hell of a weight this thing is. —Oh! —You know what a hell of a weight this thing is.
141 00:11:23,760 00:11:24,750 (GROANING) (GROANING)
142 00:11:25,280 00:11:27,715 Is it still in one piece? Is it still in one piece?
143 00:11:31,560 00:11:33,836 I daren't look. I daren't look.
144 00:11:37,280 00:11:40,557 I suppose we should be glad it fell on something soft. I suppose we should be glad it fell on something soft.
145 00:11:43,320 00:11:46,039 Yes, it's lucky I hadn't had a sachet of Viagra. Yes, it's lucky I hadn't had a sachet of Viagra.
146 00:11:46,120 00:11:48,430 It could have been smashed to smithereens. It could have been smashed to smithereens.
147 00:11:50,120 00:11:51,679 Don't be coarse. Don't be coarse.
148 00:11:52,000 00:11:54,833 I mean, three and a half days it had to do that. I mean, three and a half days it had to do that.
149 00:11:54,920 00:11:58,629 But no. It had to come down just at that moment. But no. It had to come down just at that moment.
150 00:11:59,840 00:12:00,830 (GROANING) (GROANING)
151 00:12:12,080 00:12:15,914 And my chest's all horrible and sticky. And my chest's all horrible and sticky.
152 00:12:16,640 00:12:19,234 Seems as if it's gone all crisp everywhere now. Seems as if it's gone all crisp everywhere now.
153 00:12:19,320 00:12:23,109 I'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer you've been squirting on. I'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer you've been squirting on.
154 00:12:26,560 00:12:28,756 Enough to glue up a yak. Enough to glue up a yak.
155 00:12:30,240 00:12:33,870 Hair lacquer? Thanks very much for pointing that out to me. Hair lacquer? Thanks very much for pointing that out to me.
156 00:12:33,960 00:12:36,190 You should look at things more carefully in the first place. You should look at things more carefully in the first place.
157 00:12:36,280 00:12:38,317 You are hot. I'm hot. You are hot. I'm hot.
158 00:12:38,400 00:12:42,030 There's nothing we can do about it until the power comes back on. There's nothing we can do about it until the power comes back on.
159 00:12:43,200 00:12:44,679 And when will that be? And when will that be?
160 00:12:44,760 00:12:47,559 I expect it'll come back on any minute. I expect it'll come back on any minute.
161 00:12:47,680 00:12:51,116 Now, do you mind? Now, do you mind?
162 00:13:00,800 00:13:01,790 (EXHALING LOUDLY) (EXHALING LOUDLY)
163 00:13:05,960 00:13:07,951 (UNFOLDING NEWSPAPER LOUDLY) (UNFOLDING NEWSPAPER LOUDLY)
164 00:13:14,280 00:13:18,194 Is that the one where the murderer fires a crossbow through the keyhole? Is that the one where the murderer fires a crossbow through the keyhole?
165 00:13:21,320 00:13:24,358 It's a very good one, if I remember rightly. It's a very good one, if I remember rightly.
166 00:13:29,800 00:13:30,915 What? What?
167 00:13:31,440 00:13:32,953 Why do I bother? Why do I bother?
168 00:13:33,640 00:13:37,110 I have no idea sometimes. I have no idea sometimes.
169 00:13:37,280 00:13:39,999 But all that happens at the beginning, surely? But all that happens at the beginning, surely?
170 00:13:42,040 00:13:45,271 Or do you only find out about it at the end? Or do you only find out about it at the end?
171 00:13:47,960 00:13:50,918 Ah, yes. Ah, yes.
172 00:13:52,360 00:13:54,158 Sorry about that. Sorry about that.
173 00:14:00,840 00:14:03,719 Do you mind if I borrow the torch now? Do you mind if I borrow the torch now?
174 00:14:04,120 00:14:06,236 If you've finished with it. If you've finished with it.
175 00:14:07,120 00:14:08,349 Thanks. Thanks.
176 00:14:15,520 00:14:19,434 Oh, there's a man here who never throws his urine away. Oh, there's a man here who never throws his urine away.
177 00:14:20,760 00:14:22,671 Belongs to a religious sect Belongs to a religious sect
178 00:14:22,760 00:14:25,593 that regard it as a sacred bodily fluid that regard it as a sacred bodily fluid
179 00:14:25,680 00:14:28,149 containing part of the human soul. containing part of the human soul.
180 00:14:29,120 00:14:33,318 Kept everything he's ever passed since October 1973. Kept everything he's ever passed since October 1973.
181 00:14:34,840 00:14:37,878 All bottled up in a huge wine cellar. All bottled up in a huge wine cellar.
182 00:14:38,400 00:14:43,270 And now, apparently, Leicestershire County Council are getting a court order to have it removed. And now, apparently, Leicestershire County Council are getting a court order to have it removed.
183 00:14:44,440 00:14:46,750 "Said Mr Hibbert, 48, "Said Mr Hibbert, 48,
184 00:14:46,840 00:14:49,514 "'It's not the first time people have tried to take the piss. "'It's not the first time people have tried to take the piss.
185 00:14:49,600 00:14:54,117 Oh, you just love finding things like that in the paper, don't you? Oh, you just love finding things like that in the paper, don't you?
186 00:14:57,280 00:14:59,920 I'm only reading what it says. I'm only reading what it says.
187 00:15:00,640 00:15:04,599 Right up your street, that sort of thing. Just tickles you to death. Right up your street, that sort of thing. Just tickles you to death.
188 00:15:09,480 00:15:13,997 Read in here the other day, we'll soon be able to go to the toilet over the internet. Read in here the other day, we'll soon be able to go to the toilet over the internet.
189 00:15:15,800 00:15:18,872 I mean, how the hell is that supposed to work? I mean, how the hell is that supposed to work?
190 00:15:20,240 00:15:23,551 I don't know why I buy the bloody thing sometimes. I don't know why I buy the bloody thing sometimes.
191 00:15:27,360 00:15:28,350 (MOSQUITO BUZZING) (MOSQUITO BUZZING)
192 00:15:31,760 00:15:34,036 Oh, God, what did I tell you? Oh, God, what did I tell you?
193 00:15:34,120 00:15:36,839 Now, where's the insect repellent? Now, where's the insect repellent?
194 00:15:37,040 00:15:39,156 I think I left it in the car. I think I left it in the car.
195 00:15:41,280 00:15:42,953 Don't... You're not opening that front door. Don't... You're not opening that front door.
196 00:15:43,040 00:15:46,192 Well, what's the difference? They're in here now, anyway. Well, what's the difference? They're in here now, anyway.
197 00:15:52,960 00:15:55,679 VICTOR: And what the hell do you think you're playing at? VICTOR: And what the hell do you think you're playing at?
198 00:15:55,760 00:15:57,671 That's my bloody... Up, move it! That's my bloody... Up, move it!
199 00:15:57,760 00:16:00,991 This hasn't been parked here for your recreation, for God's sakes. This hasn't been parked here for your recreation, for God's sakes.
200 00:16:02,560 00:16:04,631 Stop doing that while I'm talking to you. Stop doing that while I'm talking to you.
201 00:16:05,200 00:16:07,794 (INDISTINCT MUMBLING) (INDISTINCT MUMBLING)
202 00:16:09,000 00:16:10,354 Get out of there! Get out of there!
203 00:16:11,560 00:16:13,437 ...law down here. ...law down here.
204 00:16:13,520 00:16:16,239 I've never seen this sort of carry on in my life! Go on! I've never seen this sort of carry on in my life! Go on!
205 00:16:16,360 00:16:19,000 You! Get your toes out of my headrest! You! Get your toes out of my headrest!
206 00:16:21,960 00:16:24,349 ...will know about it, I can tell you. ...will know about it, I can tell you.
207 00:16:24,680 00:16:25,670 (DOOR CLOSING) (DOOR CLOSING)
208 00:16:26,120 00:16:30,591 Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit, I don't know what does! Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit, I don't know what does!
209 00:16:30,680 00:16:32,239 Did you see that? Did you see that?
210 00:16:32,320 00:16:34,516 Young bloke from down the road with his girlfriend Young bloke from down the road with his girlfriend
211 00:16:34,600 00:16:37,513 only having sex in the back seat of our car. only having sex in the back seat of our car.
212 00:16:38,840 00:16:41,116 Well, I had forgotten to close the sun roof. Well, I had forgotten to close the sun roof.
213 00:16:41,200 00:16:45,990 Bold as brass, just merrily getting on with it without a thought for my suspension. Bold as brass, just merrily getting on with it without a thought for my suspension.
214 00:16:47,800 00:16:50,872 They didn't even stop when I opened the door. They didn't even stop when I opened the door.
215 00:16:51,400 00:16:53,630 Stark naked, the pair of them. Stark naked, the pair of them.
216 00:16:53,720 00:16:57,634 And he had the cheek to tell me to go and put some clothes on. And he had the cheek to tell me to go and put some clothes on.
217 00:16:58,560 00:17:01,473 Said I was lowering the whole tone of the area. Said I was lowering the whole tone of the area.
218 00:17:02,080 00:17:04,071 It's that poor butcher's son, Kevin. It's that poor butcher's son, Kevin.
219 00:17:04,160 00:17:06,879 You see, they don't care any more, youngsters like that. You see, they don't care any more, youngsters like that.
220 00:17:06,960 00:17:09,600 Butcher his pork next time I see him. Butcher his pork next time I see him.
221 00:17:09,840 00:17:11,558 Clothes all over the front seat. Clothes all over the front seat.
222 00:17:11,640 00:17:14,632 And I daren't tell you what I found on the gear stick. And I daren't tell you what I found on the gear stick.
223 00:17:17,880 00:17:18,950 God! God!
224 00:17:20,040 00:17:23,920 Completely wore myself out now, with all that. Completely wore myself out now, with all that.
225 00:17:27,360 00:17:29,795 Oh, I'm sorry, Margaret. Oh, I'm sorry, Margaret.
226 00:17:30,400 00:17:32,994 I've had it with the human race. I've had it with the human race.
227 00:17:33,680 00:17:36,240 I'm going to become a registered hermit. I'm going to become a registered hermit.
228 00:17:37,920 00:17:39,752 Who was it said, Who was it said,
229 00:17:40,040 00:17:42,031 "Hell is other people"? "Hell is other people"?
230 00:17:42,120 00:17:44,680 Mrs Smedley at number 14. Mrs Smedley at number 14.
231 00:17:45,560 00:17:48,552 —Was it? —Just after she got back from Benidorm. —Was it? —Just after she got back from Benidorm.
232 00:17:48,800 00:17:52,509 And she's got enough on her plate with that mother and father of his living there. And she's got enough on her plate with that mother and father of his living there.
233 00:17:52,600 00:17:54,352 I don't know how she copes. I don't know how she copes.
234 00:17:54,440 00:17:56,909 Don't know when I last saw him. Don't know when I last saw him.
235 00:17:57,400 00:18:01,553 Didn't someone say he's actually so fat he can't get out the front door now? Didn't someone say he's actually so fat he can't get out the front door now?
236 00:18:02,200 00:18:04,476 How ever much must he weigh? How ever much must he weigh?
237 00:18:04,560 00:18:05,994 Don't know. Don't know.
238 00:18:06,200 00:18:10,671 I think it's got something to do with all the tablets he has to take. Poor old soul. I think it's got something to do with all the tablets he has to take. Poor old soul.
239 00:18:11,720 00:18:13,358 I know the neighbours have been complaining. I know the neighbours have been complaining.
240 00:18:13,440 00:18:17,229 When she hangs his underpants out to dry, they lose an hour's daylight. When she hangs his underpants out to dry, they lose an hour's daylight.
241 00:18:20,000 00:18:24,437 I'll be reporting that little incident to the parents concerned. Don't you worry. I'll be reporting that little incident to the parents concerned. Don't you worry.
242 00:18:25,400 00:18:28,791 Bloody yobbery. Morning, noon and night. Bloody yobbery. Morning, noon and night.
243 00:18:28,880 00:18:29,870 (MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY) (MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
244 00:18:30,200 00:18:33,318 —At last! —The relief! —At last! —The relief!
245 00:18:42,160 00:18:45,312 I do not believe it! I do not believe it!
246 00:18:47,760 00:18:49,114 False alarm. False alarm.
247 00:18:49,200 00:18:52,830 I might have known. Just as that was coming up on the box. Did you see that? I might have known. Just as that was coming up on the box. Did you see that?
248 00:18:52,920 00:18:54,672 —See what? —On the screen just there. —See what? —On the screen just there.
249 00:18:54,760 00:18:57,070 A man pointing at a photograph of my feet! A man pointing at a photograph of my feet!
250 00:18:57,160 00:18:59,549 Oh, for goodness sake. Oh, for goodness sake.
251 00:18:59,640 00:19:01,995 On the Southeast News, as large as life. On the Southeast News, as large as life.
252 00:19:02,080 00:19:04,117 I just caught it before it went off again. I just caught it before it went off again.
253 00:19:04,200 00:19:06,874 That was a detail from the Crucifixion. That was a detail from the Crucifixion.
254 00:19:08,480 00:19:10,790 I think I know my own feet when I see them. I think I know my own feet when I see them.
255 00:19:10,880 00:19:14,157 It's a programme about Renaissance art. It's a programme about Renaissance art.
256 00:19:14,240 00:19:16,754 I recognise the mole above my big toe. I recognise the mole above my big toe.
257 00:19:16,840 00:19:18,558 That was a nail. That was a nail.
258 00:19:24,840 00:19:29,516 —Well, I know what I saw. -Oh, will you stop fretting about them? —Well, I know what I saw. -Oh, will you stop fretting about them?
259 00:19:29,600 00:19:32,479 There's absolutely nothing the matter with them. There's absolutely nothing the matter with them.
260 00:19:36,360 00:19:37,350 (VICTOR SIGHING) (VICTOR SIGHING)
261 00:19:39,920 00:19:42,992 So we still can't watch any television. So we still can't watch any television.
262 00:19:44,520 00:19:46,238 What's on anyway? What's on anyway?
263 00:19:46,880 00:19:50,396 Dinosaur Hospital. Pick of the day. Dinosaur Hospital. Pick of the day.
264 00:19:50,640 00:19:54,190 "This week, through the magic of state of the art technology, "This week, through the magic of state of the art technology,
265 00:19:54,280 00:19:58,751 "the team help a pterodactyl with a cleft palate resume a normal life." "the team help a pterodactyl with a cleft palate resume a normal life."
266 00:20:01,040 00:20:04,795 I presume the presenters are computer—generated as well, are they? I presume the presenters are computer—generated as well, are they?
267 00:20:05,840 00:20:10,311 I mean, Rolf Harris has been dead for 15 years to my certain knowledge. I mean, Rolf Harris has been dead for 15 years to my certain knowledge.
268 00:20:16,160 00:20:20,040 It's more than flesh and blood can stand. It's more than flesh and blood can stand.
269 00:20:20,680 00:20:23,877 Oh, I expect it'll come back on in a minute. Oh, I expect it'll come back on in a minute.
270 00:20:33,200 00:20:36,636 Well, there's nothing else for it Well, there's nothing else for it
271 00:20:37,320 00:20:41,553 but to listen to Dale Winton reciting Kubla Khan. but to listen to Dale Winton reciting Kubla Khan.
272 00:20:43,200 00:20:44,634 Do we have to? Do we have to?
273 00:20:44,960 00:20:48,032 I need something to bring a smile to my face. I need something to bring a smile to my face.
274 00:20:49,360 00:20:53,149 DALE WINTON ON TAPE“. In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree DALE WINTON ON TAPE“. In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree
275 00:20:53,240 00:20:55,356 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
276 00:20:55,440 00:20:58,751 Through caverns measureless to man Down to a sunless sea Through caverns measureless to man Down to a sunless sea
277 00:20:58,840 00:21:02,310 (VOICE DISTORTING) 50 [wire five miles of fertile ground... (VOICE DISTORTING) 50 [wire five miles of fertile ground...
278 00:21:05,440 00:21:08,159 Oh, turn it off. Oh, turn it off.
279 00:21:11,560 00:21:14,552 Well, there must be some more batteries in this drawer somewhere. Well, there must be some more batteries in this drawer somewhere.
280 00:21:14,640 00:21:16,631 There aren't. I've already checked. There aren't. I've already checked.
281 00:21:16,720 00:21:18,438 Well, we can't have run out of... Well, we can't have run out of...
282 00:21:18,520 00:21:20,875 Ah, now then. Ah, now then.
283 00:21:21,320 00:21:23,880 Oh, how did we forget about this? Oh, how did we forget about this?
284 00:21:24,360 00:21:28,672 The scented candle that Ronnie and Mildred brought back from Marrakesh. The scented candle that Ronnie and Mildred brought back from Marrakesh.
285 00:21:28,760 00:21:31,070 Are we really that desperate? Are we really that desperate?
286 00:21:32,040 00:21:33,633 I'm afraid we are. I'm afraid we are.
287 00:21:33,720 00:21:38,510 "An enchanting blend of camphor, vanilla and peach." "An enchanting blend of camphor, vanilla and peach."
288 00:21:38,600 00:21:40,352 Well, it can't be that bad. Well, it can't be that bad.
289 00:21:47,840 00:21:51,913 Talk about the devils. Don't bring it over here. Talk about the devils. Don't bring it over here.
290 00:21:52,440 00:21:53,430 (MARGARET COUGHING) (MARGARET COUGHING)
291 00:22:04,480 00:22:07,632 "Important. This is not a circular." "Important. This is not a circular."
292 00:22:08,880 00:22:11,440 —\/\/hat is it? —A circular. —\/\/hat is it? —A circular.
293 00:22:12,480 00:22:17,793 "Apply now for your special discount loyalty card to Cottleswood Crematorium. "Apply now for your special discount loyalty card to Cottleswood Crematorium.
294 00:22:18,640 00:22:22,270 "Collect 3,000 points or more for a cash bonus, "Collect 3,000 points or more for a cash bonus,
295 00:22:22,360 00:22:28,311 "plus a free clock radio if you nominate a friend to be cremated before August 31 st." "plus a free clock radio if you nominate a friend to be cremated before August 31 st."
296 00:22:31,880 00:22:34,998 If I nominate anything, it'll be all this bloody junk. If I nominate anything, it'll be all this bloody junk.
297 00:22:35,080 00:22:37,720 I meant to get some batteries when I was out this morning, I meant to get some batteries when I was out this morning,
298 00:22:37,800 00:22:40,758 but with all that kerfuffle on the way home, it just went right out of my mind. but with all that kerfuffle on the way home, it just went right out of my mind.
299 00:22:40,840 00:22:42,399 What kerfuffle's that? What kerfuffle's that?
300 00:22:42,480 00:22:45,472 Oh, yes. I didn't tell you, did I? Oh, yes. I didn't tell you, did I?
301 00:22:45,880 00:22:51,193 There was a big siege going on in one of those houses by the putting green. There was a big siege going on in one of those houses by the putting green.
302 00:22:51,280 00:22:56,116 Some maniac, apparently, holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint. Some maniac, apparently, holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint.
303 00:22:56,400 00:22:58,471 The police had got the whole area sealed off. The police had got the whole area sealed off.
304 00:22:58,560 00:23:01,871 Traffic was being diverted. It was just like something out of a film. Traffic was being diverted. It was just like something out of a film.
305 00:23:01,960 00:23:04,998 Apparently, they weren't allowing anyone near the park. Apparently, they weren't allowing anyone near the park.
306 00:23:05,080 00:23:08,596 They'd got concealed marksmen in the bushes. God knows what else. They'd got concealed marksmen in the bushes. God knows what else.
307 00:23:10,400 00:23:11,834 What time was this? What time was this?
308 00:23:11,920 00:23:14,833 Well, it's been going on since yesterday lunchtime, I think they said. Well, it's been going on since yesterday lunchtime, I think they said.
309 00:23:14,920 00:23:17,833 But I was up the park first thing this morning. But I was up the park first thing this morning.
310 00:23:17,920 00:23:22,232 Took that shortcut by the wire netting right next to the putting green. Took that shortcut by the wire netting right next to the putting green.
311 00:23:22,760 00:23:24,353 I didn't see any concealed marksmen. I didn't see any concealed marksmen.
312 00:23:24,440 00:23:27,239 Well, you wouldn't, would you? They were concealed. Well, you wouldn't, would you? They were concealed.
313 00:23:27,640 00:23:29,950 I mean, obviously they were taking no chances. I mean, obviously they were taking no chances.
314 00:23:30,040 00:23:32,509 Reckoned this man was a complete nutcase. Reckoned this man was a complete nutcase.
315 00:23:32,600 00:23:36,116 Said if he saw anyone doing anything remotely suspicious, Said if he saw anyone doing anything remotely suspicious,
316 00:23:36,200 00:23:39,397 he was just going to open fire on them and ask questions later. he was just going to open fire on them and ask questions later.
317 00:23:39,480 00:23:41,232 Remotely suspicious? Remotely suspicious?
318 00:23:41,320 00:23:44,358 You mean I was fart arsing about up there in the middle of the grass You mean I was fart arsing about up there in the middle of the grass
319 00:23:44,440 00:23:48,991 in full view of an armed psychopath doing bloody Tai Chi exercises? in full view of an armed psychopath doing bloody Tai Chi exercises?
320 00:23:49,080 00:23:52,072 Jabbing my hands in the air like a simpleton. Jabbing my hands in the air like a simpleton.
321 00:23:52,720 00:23:55,519 I could have ended up with a bullet through my... I could have ended up with a bullet through my...
322 00:24:03,520 00:24:07,400 No. No, it'll be what you said. No. No, it'll be what you said.
323 00:24:07,960 00:24:10,395 Someone with a cigarette in a pub. Someone with a cigarette in a pub.
324 00:24:10,480 00:24:14,394 I mean, this is... This is probably a completely different part of the park I mean, this is... This is probably a completely different part of the park
325 00:24:14,480 00:24:15,879 or something. or something.
326 00:24:17,600 00:24:20,240 I've come over all faint now. I've come over all faint now.
327 00:24:22,240 00:24:26,711 I got a sort of quivery feeling in my left ear like a whining sound. I got a sort of quivery feeling in my left ear like a whining sound.
328 00:24:28,760 00:24:29,750 (MOSQUITO BUZZING) (MOSQUITO BUZZING)
329 00:24:29,840 00:24:33,276 Bloody thing! I thought I killed it! Bloody thing! I thought I killed it!
330 00:24:33,360 00:24:34,873 Where's the spray? Where's the spray?
331 00:24:34,960 00:24:38,794 Probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now. Probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now.
332 00:24:39,760 00:24:40,750 (DOORBELL RINGING) (DOORBELL RINGING)
333 00:24:41,440 00:24:43,590 Who the hell is that at this time of night? Who the hell is that at this time of night?
334 00:24:49,440 00:24:50,430 (WOMAN MURMURING INDISTINCTLY) (WOMAN MURMURING INDISTINCTLY)
335 00:24:53,000 00:24:56,118 MARGARET: Well, of course we wouldn't mind. MARGARET: Well, of course we wouldn't mind.
336 00:24:57,280 00:24:59,317 Well, we'll be only too pleased to. Well, we'll be only too pleased to.
337 00:24:59,400 00:25:02,438 So if you want to bring him over, that'll be fine. So if you want to bring him over, that'll be fine.
338 00:25:03,840 00:25:06,878 What wouldn't we mind? What are we only too pleased to do now? What wouldn't we mind? What are we only too pleased to do now?
339 00:25:06,960 00:25:10,919 Mrs Smedley. She's got to take her mother—in—law up the hospital. Mrs Smedley. She's got to take her mother—in—law up the hospital.
340 00:25:11,000 00:25:12,718 They think she's had a stroke. They think she's had a stroke.
341 00:25:12,800 00:25:17,636 And, of course, they can't leave the old man on his own over there in the dark and everything. And, of course, they can't leave the old man on his own over there in the dark and everything.
342 00:25:17,760 00:25:21,435 So she said, would we mind keeping an eye on him in here So she said, would we mind keeping an eye on him in here
343 00:25:21,560 00:25:25,235 just to make sure that he's all right, you know, till they come back. just to make sure that he's all right, you know, till they come back.
344 00:25:25,320 00:25:27,311 Oh, you're joking. Oh, you're joking.
345 00:25:27,400 00:25:31,234 Old Mr Smedley, the Hindenburg disaster on legs? Old Mr Smedley, the Hindenburg disaster on legs?
346 00:25:32,400 00:25:35,438 I mean, how have we got room for him in here? I mean, how have we got room for him in here?
347 00:25:35,680 00:25:38,240 He'll cause a lunar eclipse just passing the window. He'll cause a lunar eclipse just passing the window.
348 00:25:38,320 00:25:39,310 (KNOCKING AT DOOR) (KNOCKING AT DOOR)
349 00:25:39,400 00:25:42,392 Victor, what else was I supposed to say? Coming. Victor, what else was I supposed to say? Coming.
350 00:25:42,480 00:25:45,040 Hello, Mr Sme... Oh. Hello, Mr Sme... Oh.
351 00:25:45,120 00:25:50,274 My goodness. That's a handy gadget to have in a power cut, is it? My goodness. That's a handy gadget to have in a power cut, is it?
352 00:25:50,360 00:25:53,193 Yes, it used to belong to my brother. Yes, it used to belong to my brother.
353 00:25:53,280 00:25:56,830 Worked in the Kent mine fields for 25 years. Worked in the Kent mine fields for 25 years.
354 00:25:56,920 00:26:00,197 —Really? —Mmm, prior to his untimely death —Really? —Mmm, prior to his untimely death
355 00:26:00,280 00:26:03,511 —from respiratory failure. -Oh, dear. —from respiratory failure. -Oh, dear.
356 00:26:03,600 00:26:06,160 Well, can we... Swing over here. Well, can we... Swing over here.
357 00:26:07,960 00:26:09,837 Is that... Can you manage that? Is that... Can you manage that?
358 00:26:09,920 00:26:11,957 Oh, I think we're in business. Oh, I think we're in business.
359 00:26:12,480 00:26:14,915 —You... You remember Victor? —Mmm. —You... You remember Victor? —Mmm.
360 00:26:15,000 00:26:18,595 Yes, sorry to hear about your wife, Mr Smedley. Yes, sorry to hear about your wife, Mr Smedley.
361 00:26:18,680 00:26:21,035 Why don't you come and sit yourself down? Why don't you come and sit yourself down?
362 00:26:21,120 00:26:24,078 Yes, I... I will if you... Yes, I... I will if you...
363 00:26:24,440 00:26:26,113 If you don't mind. If you don't mind.
364 00:26:27,280 00:26:28,918 Thank you. Thank you.
365 00:26:38,800 00:26:41,360 I'm very sorry about all this. I'm very sorry about all this.
366 00:26:41,680 00:26:45,196 —I'm sorry to be such a nuisance. -Oh, don't be silly. —I'm sorry to be such a nuisance. -Oh, don't be silly.
367 00:26:45,280 00:26:48,511 Er, would you like a brandy or anything to steady your nerves? Er, would you like a brandy or anything to steady your nerves?
368 00:26:48,600 00:26:52,673 Oh, no, it's all right. I've, er, I've got my hot water bottle. Oh, no, it's all right. I've, er, I've got my hot water bottle.
369 00:26:55,080 00:26:58,755 It's always a great comfort, I find. It's always a great comfort, I find.
370 00:26:59,480 00:27:00,834 Hot water. Hot water.
371 00:27:01,520 00:27:03,830 Sorry to be such a nuisance. Sorry to be such a nuisance.
372 00:27:05,240 00:27:07,709 They think my wife's had a stroke. They think my wife's had a stroke.
373 00:27:07,800 00:27:09,313 Yes, we, erm... Yes, we, erm...
374 00:27:09,400 00:27:13,394 Hope she'll be all right up there. They're terribly overstretched. Hope she'll be all right up there. They're terribly overstretched.
375 00:27:14,800 00:27:17,599 Lady next door had to wait two hours the other week Lady next door had to wait two hours the other week
376 00:27:17,680 00:27:19,751 just to get to the operating theatre. just to get to the operating theatre.
377 00:27:20,240 00:27:24,598 They said they were very short of trolleys and did she mind sharing with a corpse? They said they were very short of trolleys and did she mind sharing with a corpse?
378 00:27:26,200 00:27:28,191 It is a nightmare these days. It is a nightmare these days.
379 00:27:28,280 00:27:30,237 I hope she'll be all right up there. I hope she'll be all right up there.
380 00:27:30,320 00:27:33,278 They said she'd probably be out in a few days. They said she'd probably be out in a few days.
381 00:27:33,800 00:27:35,438 I expect she will. I expect she will.
382 00:27:38,000 00:27:39,274 Well, Well,
383 00:27:40,000 00:27:44,039 perhaps I'll just sit here and read my book. perhaps I'll just sit here and read my book.
384 00:27:44,280 00:27:46,874 —Would you mind? —No, of course not. You go ahead. —Would you mind? —No, of course not. You go ahead.
385 00:27:46,960 00:27:48,280 Thank you. Thank you.
386 00:27:51,480 00:27:52,834 "Chapter eight. "Chapter eight.
387 00:27:53,680 00:27:57,230 "Late that evening, I was surprised at my lodgings "Late that evening, I was surprised at my lodgings
388 00:27:57,560 00:27:59,870 "by a visit from Mr Bruff. "by a visit from Mr Bruff.
389 00:28:00,400 00:28:03,950 "There was a noticeable change in the lawyer's manner. "There was a noticeable change in the lawyer's manner.
390 00:28:04,160 00:28:07,516 "It had lost its usual confidence and spirit. "It had lost its usual confidence and spirit.
391 00:28:07,960 00:28:11,271 "He shook hands with me, for the first time in his life, "He shook hands with me, for the first time in his life,
392 00:28:11,360 00:28:12,714 "in silence. "in silence.
393 00:28:13,200 00:28:16,079 —"'Are you going back to Hampstead?' I asked... —Er, sorry, excuse me. —"'Are you going back to Hampstead?' I asked... —Er, sorry, excuse me.
394 00:28:16,160 00:28:18,197 "...by way of saying..." Pardon? "...by way of saying..." Pardon?
395 00:28:18,520 00:28:23,151 Sorry. You actually have to read it out aloud or... Sorry. You actually have to read it out aloud or...
396 00:28:23,600 00:28:27,434 It's the only way I can get it to go in, unfortunately. It's the only way I can get it to go in, unfortunately.
397 00:28:27,800 00:28:29,359 And stay there. And stay there.
398 00:28:30,320 00:28:33,233 You'll find that when you get old. You'll find that when you get old.
399 00:28:34,640 00:28:39,032 Yes, you see, I knew I was going to be a nuisance. Yes, you see, I knew I was going to be a nuisance.
400 00:28:39,120 00:28:43,432 No, no, no, Mr Smedley. If it helps to take your mind off things... No, no, no, Mr Smedley. If it helps to take your mind off things...
401 00:28:44,120 00:28:47,875 Anyway, I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid. Anyway, I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid.
402 00:28:47,960 00:28:50,236 Oh, fine. Well, you know where it is and everything. Oh, fine. Well, you know where it is and everything.
403 00:28:50,320 00:28:53,711 No. I mean I'm going to the toilet now. No. I mean I'm going to the toilet now.
404 00:28:59,560 00:29:01,153 As I speak. As I speak.
405 00:29:02,760 00:29:05,798 The control goes, you know, after a while. The control goes, you know, after a while.
406 00:29:06,360 00:29:09,557 Aggravated by too much stress and excitement. Aggravated by too much stress and excitement.
407 00:29:09,720 00:29:13,315 Well, arm, you know... Well, let's get you sorted out. Well, arm, you know... Well, let's get you sorted out.
408 00:29:13,400 00:29:14,629 —Well... —Yes. —Well... —Yes.
409 00:29:14,720 00:29:17,997 Upsy-daisy, Mr Smedley. That's the ticket. Upsy-daisy, Mr Smedley. That's the ticket.
410 00:29:18,800 00:29:20,029 Oh, God. Oh, God.
411 00:29:20,680 00:29:22,432 —Well, here you are. —Yeah. —Well, here you are. —Yeah.
412 00:29:22,520 00:29:25,114 Oh, I don't think there's any damage done, Oh, I don't think there's any damage done,
413 00:29:25,360 00:29:28,239 so, er, you better go first, I think. so, er, you better go first, I think.
414 00:29:28,320 00:29:31,551 Yeah. You see, I said I was being a nuisance Yeah. You see, I said I was being a nuisance
415 00:29:31,640 00:29:34,029 —and I have been. —No, no. —and I have been. —No, no.
416 00:29:34,400 00:29:36,960 She'll be all right, though, won't she, up there? She'll be all right, though, won't she, up there?
417 00:29:37,040 00:29:41,159 I mean, they... They said she'd only be in for a few days. I mean, they... They said she'd only be in for a few days.
418 00:29:41,480 00:29:42,470 (MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING) (MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING)
419 00:29:45,240 00:29:47,595 MR SMEDLEY: I'll go in here. MARGARET: Yes, all right. MR SMEDLEY: I'll go in here. MARGARET: Yes, all right.
420 00:29:47,680 00:29:49,353 (MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING) (MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING)
421 00:30:20,240 00:30:23,676 My God, I suppose we're going to be up with him all night. My God, I suppose we're going to be up with him all night.
422 00:30:23,960 00:30:26,634 Potty training Mr Creosote. Potty training Mr Creosote.
423 00:30:28,600 00:30:30,637 That's all we need ed. That's all we need ed.
424 00:30:30,720 00:30:35,556 No, no. It looked as if he's going to nod off in there, actually. No, no. It looked as if he's going to nod off in there, actually.
425 00:30:36,040 00:30:38,190 I think we might just let him sleep. I think we might just let him sleep.
426 00:30:38,280 00:30:40,157 —Oh. —What? —Oh. —What?
427 00:30:40,240 00:30:42,516 I just feel a bit sick. I just feel a bit sick.
428 00:30:42,600 00:30:44,910 What? How sick? What? How sick?
429 00:30:45,000 00:30:48,038 And breathlessness. What else have you got? Chest pains? And breathlessness. What else have you got? Chest pains?
430 00:30:48,120 00:30:50,350 Radiating outwards towards the shoulders? Radiating outwards towards the shoulders?
431 00:30:50,440 00:30:51,999 No, no, I'll be okay in a minute. No, no, I'll be okay in a minute.
432 00:30:52,080 00:30:55,516 Well, I expect it's that bloody candle turning my stomach over. Well, I expect it's that bloody candle turning my stomach over.
433 00:30:58,040 00:31:00,236 Poor old codger. Poor old codger.
434 00:31:01,160 00:31:03,629 —I suppose... —\/\/hat? —I suppose... —\/\/hat?
435 00:31:04,400 00:31:06,277 Well, it just... Well, it just...
436 00:31:06,360 00:31:09,318 You know, what he said about his wife. You know, what he said about his wife.
437 00:31:10,720 00:31:13,473 Do you remember when my dad went into hospital? Do you remember when my dad went into hospital?
438 00:31:14,680 00:31:17,798 They said that would just be for a few days. They said that would just be for a few days.
439 00:31:18,880 00:31:22,839 And after a few days, they said it would be just a few more. And after a few days, they said it would be just a few more.
440 00:31:23,840 00:31:25,797 And that's how it went on. And that's how it went on.
441 00:31:27,040 00:31:29,714 And we always knew it would be all right. And we always knew it would be all right.
442 00:31:30,320 00:31:33,950 Couple more days and he'd be back home with us all again. Couple more days and he'd be back home with us all again.
443 00:31:35,680 00:31:39,992 I don't think there's any other way we'd have got through those last six months. I don't think there's any other way we'd have got through those last six months.
444 00:31:42,840 00:31:44,638 It's like you said. It's like you said.
445 00:31:45,880 00:31:50,590 If it's sunny in the morning you don't want to know it's going to rain in the afternoon. If it's sunny in the morning you don't want to know it's going to rain in the afternoon.
446 00:31:55,680 00:31:56,670 (GROANING) (GROANING)
447 00:31:57,680 00:32:01,560 Three hours it's been off for now. This is ridiculous! Three hours it's been off for now. This is ridiculous!
448 00:32:02,360 00:32:04,237 Yes, well, Yes, well,
449 00:32:05,120 00:32:08,112 I expect it'll come on again any minute. I expect it'll come on again any minute.
450 00:32:10,640 00:32:11,869 I expect. I expect.
451 00:32:17,560 00:32:20,393 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
452 00:32:20,960 00:32:23,759 # That I am just too long in the tooth? # That I am just too long in the tooth?
453 00:32:24,360 00:32:27,478 # I've started to deteriorate # I've started to deteriorate
454 00:32:27,840 00:32:30,958 # And now I've passed my own sell-by date # And now I've passed my own sell-by date
455 00:32:31,400 00:32:34,518 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
456 00:32:34,920 00:32:37,833 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew # I have to pop my teeth in to chew
457 00:32:38,280 00:32:41,159 # And my old knees have started to knock # And my old knees have started to knock
458 00:32:41,760 00:32:44,798 # I've just got too many miles on the clock # I've just got too many miles on the clock
459 00:32:45,320 00:32:49,109 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
460 00:32:49,360 00:32:52,637 # It's true that my body has seen better days # It's true that my body has seen better days
461 00:32:52,760 00:32:56,310 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
462 00:32:56,680 00:32:59,149 # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave
463 00:33:00,240 00:33:02,675 # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave
464 00:33:03,680 00:33:06,399 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #