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# | Start | End | Original | Translated |
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1 | 00:00:06,080 | 00:00:09,277 | Ah. Misery me. | Ah. Misery me. |
2 | 00:00:14,280 | 00:00:15,270 | (SIGHING LOUDLY) | (SIGHING LOUDLY) |
3 | 00:00:35,400 | 00:00:36,390 | (SIGHING) | (SIGHING) |
4 | 00:00:50,480 | 00:00:52,994 | Beggars belief, doesn't it? | Beggars belief, doesn't it? |
5 | 00:00:53,080 | 00:00:56,550 | We haven't got one decent candle in the whole house. | We haven't got one decent candle in the whole house. |
6 | 00:00:57,480 | 00:01:00,359 | Don't know how long this lot are going to last. | Don't know how long this lot are going to last. |
7 | 00:01:03,240 | 00:01:07,552 | —Don't know where to put them for the best. —I know where I'd like to put them. | —Don't know where to put them for the best. —I know where I'd like to put them. |
8 | 00:01:09,640 | 00:01:11,551 | Just be patient. | Just be patient. |
9 | 00:01:11,960 | 00:01:14,474 | I expect it'll come back on any minute. | I expect it'll come back on any minute. |
10 | 00:01:14,560 | 00:01:15,550 | (SIGHING) | (SIGHING) |
11 | 00:01:15,640 | 00:01:19,679 | And stop sighing like that. You're sucking up all the oxygen. | And stop sighing like that. You're sucking up all the oxygen. |
12 | 00:01:26,840 | 00:01:31,277 | Typical, isn't it? The hottest day of the bloody year. | Typical, isn't it? The hottest day of the bloody year. |
13 | 00:01:32,640 | 00:01:37,476 | What a good job we bought these three giant Chillmaster electric fans last week. | What a good job we bought these three giant Chillmaster electric fans last week. |
14 | 00:01:38,720 | 00:01:41,758 | They're just the ticket for a night like this. | They're just the ticket for a night like this. |
15 | 00:01:47,120 | 00:01:50,397 | —I have a good mind to go to bed. —Well, why don't you? | —I have a good mind to go to bed. —Well, why don't you? |
16 | 00:01:50,840 | 00:01:55,550 | I wouldn't sleep this early. I never get off till about 3:00 in the morning as it is. | I wouldn't sleep this early. I never get off till about 3:00 in the morning as it is. |
17 | 00:01:56,000 | 00:01:59,072 | Just lying there all tense and jittery. | Just lying there all tense and jittery. |
18 | 00:01:59,160 | 00:02:00,719 | Don't I know it. | Don't I know it. |
19 | 00:02:01,200 | 00:02:06,115 | The way you were twitching about on your stomach last night like a porpoise having a seizure. | The way you were twitching about on your stomach last night like a porpoise having a seizure. |
20 | 00:02:06,920 | 00:02:11,312 | Squirming about with your bottom all clenched up to kingdom come. | Squirming about with your bottom all clenched up to kingdom come. |
21 | 00:02:11,680 | 00:02:13,830 | God knows what you were dreaming about. | God knows what you were dreaming about. |
22 | 00:02:13,920 | 00:02:17,356 | I told you not to watch Deliverance before you went to bed. | I told you not to watch Deliverance before you went to bed. |
23 | 00:02:20,400 | 00:02:23,791 | There'll be claw marks on that headboard now for evermore. | There'll be claw marks on that headboard now for evermore. |
24 | 00:02:24,920 | 00:02:28,709 | Some people grind their teeth in their sleep. You grind your buttocks. | Some people grind their teeth in their sleep. You grind your buttocks. |
25 | 00:02:29,560 | 00:02:31,073 | Yes, all right. | Yes, all right. |
26 | 00:02:31,160 | 00:02:34,073 | I could have sharpened a pencil up there last night. | I could have sharpened a pencil up there last night. |
27 | 00:02:34,760 | 00:02:37,070 | I said, all right. | I said, all right. |
28 | 00:02:37,560 | 00:02:40,757 | I don't want to be reminded about it, thank you very much. | I don't want to be reminded about it, thank you very much. |
29 | 00:02:42,880 | 00:02:46,669 | And don't open that window. We'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes. | And don't open that window. We'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes. |
30 | 00:02:47,200 | 00:02:49,237 | It's the same every summer. | It's the same every summer. |
31 | 00:02:49,320 | 00:02:53,837 | That ruddy ornamental pond of hers across the road turns into a public health hazard. | That ruddy ornamental pond of hers across the road turns into a public health hazard. |
32 | 00:02:57,040 | 00:03:00,271 | No, perhaps I'll just stick my head in the fish tank. | No, perhaps I'll just stick my head in the fish tank. |
33 | 00:03:00,360 | 00:03:02,749 | I mean, what am I supposed to do? | I mean, what am I supposed to do? |
34 | 00:03:04,080 | 00:03:06,833 | It's like a bake house in here. | It's like a bake house in here. |
35 | 00:03:09,040 | 00:03:13,238 | Look at these chrysanths. Three days and wilting already. | Look at these chrysanths. Three days and wilting already. |
36 | 00:03:14,200 | 00:03:17,955 | Never mind plant food. I should give you a sachet of Viagra. | Never mind plant food. I should give you a sachet of Viagra. |
37 | 00:03:20,040 | 00:03:21,838 | Bloody things. | Bloody things. |
38 | 00:03:22,560 | 00:03:23,550 | (GRUNTING) | (GRUNTING) |
39 | 00:03:25,640 | 00:03:29,190 | I got that sharp pain all down my front again. | I got that sharp pain all down my front again. |
40 | 00:03:29,880 | 00:03:31,996 | You can't tell me that's wind. | You can't tell me that's wind. |
41 | 00:03:32,080 | 00:03:33,878 | All those monkey nuts you were eating in the bath, | All those monkey nuts you were eating in the bath, |
42 | 00:03:33,960 | 00:03:36,600 | I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone. | I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone. |
43 | 00:03:37,800 | 00:03:41,839 | Lying there with all the little husks floating about like canoes. | Lying there with all the little husks floating about like canoes. |
44 | 00:03:41,920 | 00:03:44,196 | No wonder you didn't finish your tea. | No wonder you didn't finish your tea. |
45 | 00:03:44,360 | 00:03:49,036 | Yes, well, I needed a bath after buggering about all morning with that new lawn mower. | Yes, well, I needed a bath after buggering about all morning with that new lawn mower. |
46 | 00:03:51,640 | 00:03:56,191 | Three words destined to strike fear into any man. | Three words destined to strike fear into any man. |
47 | 00:03:56,680 | 00:03:59,479 | "Easy home assembly." | "Easy home assembly." |
48 | 00:04:01,720 | 00:04:04,917 | Just putting the grass box together took four hours. | Just putting the grass box together took four hours. |
49 | 00:04:05,120 | 00:04:09,034 | Every time you got a bit to stay in, so another bit would pop out. | Every time you got a bit to stay in, so another bit would pop out. |
50 | 00:04:09,120 | 00:04:13,034 | I'll be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings in my sleep tonight. | I'll be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings in my sleep tonight. |
51 | 00:04:13,440 | 00:04:16,558 | Doesn't matter how much you pay for something nowadays, | Doesn't matter how much you pay for something nowadays, |
52 | 00:04:16,640 | 00:04:19,280 | they still expect you to put it together. | they still expect you to put it together. |
53 | 00:04:19,720 | 00:04:22,872 | "Yes. Here's your boarding pass for the flight to Rome, Mr Meldrew. | "Yes. Here's your boarding pass for the flight to Rome, Mr Meldrew. |
54 | 00:04:22,960 | 00:04:26,590 | "You'll find the plane lying in a flat pack at Gate 13. | "You'll find the plane lying in a flat pack at Gate 13. |
55 | 00:04:28,480 | 00:04:31,393 | "Complete with a full set of instructions." | "Complete with a full set of instructions." |
56 | 00:04:36,560 | 00:04:39,439 | Same with that lampshade I put up the other day. | Same with that lampshade I put up the other day. |
57 | 00:04:40,440 | 00:04:43,558 | The chains on that were all lopsided. | The chains on that were all lopsided. |
58 | 00:04:43,680 | 00:04:47,036 | So you've told me, about 100 times. | So you've told me, about 100 times. |
59 | 00:04:54,560 | 00:04:55,550 | (SIGHING WITH RELIEF) | (SIGHING WITH RELIEF) |
60 | 00:05:05,680 | 00:05:07,717 | Wonder fl R's ("John's Syndrome. | Wonder fl R's ("John's Syndrome. |
61 | 00:05:07,800 | 00:05:10,633 | Will you stop prodding at it? | Will you stop prodding at it? |
62 | 00:05:10,920 | 00:05:12,991 | You've been to the doctor's. | You've been to the doctor's. |
63 | 00:05:13,160 | 00:05:16,152 | He's given you a thorough checkup all over. | He's given you a thorough checkup all over. |
64 | 00:05:16,240 | 00:05:17,958 | Yes, that was another thing. | Yes, that was another thing. |
65 | 00:05:18,040 | 00:05:21,920 | I got undressed and suddenly he starts staring at my feet | I got undressed and suddenly he starts staring at my feet |
66 | 00:05:22,360 | 00:05:25,352 | and whistling as though he's never seen anything like it. | and whistling as though he's never seen anything like it. |
67 | 00:05:25,440 | 00:05:28,956 | He said, "Do you mind if I take a photo of these for The Lancet?" | He said, "Do you mind if I take a photo of these for The Lancet?" |
68 | 00:05:30,000 | 00:05:33,675 | —I mean, what was that all about? —Well, why didn't you ask him? | —I mean, what was that all about? —Well, why didn't you ask him? |
69 | 00:05:33,760 | 00:05:36,912 | Well, I didn't like to, in case it was something hideous. | Well, I didn't like to, in case it was something hideous. |
70 | 00:05:37,960 | 00:05:40,793 | Something else I've got to worry about. | Something else I've got to worry about. |
71 | 00:05:41,880 | 00:05:44,838 | Both burning up. I can tell you that much. | Both burning up. I can tell you that much. |
72 | 00:05:48,520 | 00:05:49,510 | (MOANING) | (MOANING) |
73 | 00:05:50,920 | 00:05:54,879 | I wish I had bought that foot spa now we saw in Debenhams. | I wish I had bought that foot spa now we saw in Debenhams. |
74 | 00:05:55,640 | 00:06:00,077 | Could have that lovely water whirling all over them and freshening them up. | Could have that lovely water whirling all over them and freshening them up. |
75 | 00:06:35,480 | 00:06:38,472 | Any minute now, the cap. | Any minute now, the cap. |
76 | 00:06:40,240 | 00:06:42,800 | And if I ever find the bastards who did this, | And if I ever find the bastards who did this, |
77 | 00:06:42,880 | 00:06:45,759 | they'll know about it, I can tell you that much. | they'll know about it, I can tell you that much. |
78 | 00:06:46,080 | 00:06:50,233 | Coming to it, when you can't put your cap down on a pub table to go to the toilet | Coming to it, when you can't put your cap down on a pub table to go to the toilet |
79 | 00:06:50,440 | 00:06:53,398 | without someone stubbing a cigarette out in it. | without someone stubbing a cigarette out in it. |
80 | 00:06:53,760 | 00:06:55,592 | If that's what happened. | If that's what happened. |
81 | 00:06:55,680 | 00:06:59,674 | Well, I don't imagine it's a moth with a very healthy appetite. | Well, I don't imagine it's a moth with a very healthy appetite. |
82 | 00:07:00,560 | 00:07:03,996 | Some yob's idea of an hilarious prank. | Some yob's idea of an hilarious prank. |
83 | 00:07:04,800 | 00:07:09,476 | Why don't you go upstairs and do your Tai Chi? It might help you relax. | Why don't you go upstairs and do your Tai Chi? It might help you relax. |
84 | 00:07:09,560 | 00:07:13,713 | It doesn't help me relax. It makes me feel like a complete idiot. | It doesn't help me relax. It makes me feel like a complete idiot. |
85 | 00:07:14,440 | 00:07:16,909 | Well, Mr and Mrs Elsberry swear by it. | Well, Mr and Mrs Elsberry swear by it. |
86 | 00:07:17,000 | 00:07:18,798 | Thought when they came over to give you some lessons, | Thought when they came over to give you some lessons, |
87 | 00:07:18,880 | 00:07:20,837 | the three of you were getting on quite well together. | the three of you were getting on quite well together. |
88 | 00:07:20,920 | 00:07:23,639 | We looked like Wilson, Keppel and Betty. | We looked like Wilson, Keppel and Betty. |
89 | 00:07:26,480 | 00:07:30,235 | I got up at 6:00 this morning to go and do it in the park where no one could see me | I got up at 6:00 this morning to go and do it in the park where no one could see me |
90 | 00:07:30,320 | 00:07:31,754 | and what happened? | and what happened? |
91 | 00:07:31,840 | 00:07:34,753 | I did that thing where you have to squat right down | I did that thing where you have to squat right down |
92 | 00:07:34,840 | 00:07:36,911 | and I couldn't get back up again. | and I couldn't get back up again. |
93 | 00:07:37,000 | 00:07:40,152 | Had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee. | Had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee. |
94 | 00:07:42,760 | 00:07:45,036 | I won't be trying that again. | I won't be trying that again. |
95 | 00:07:50,000 | 00:07:53,550 | They say that hot air rises, don't they? | They say that hot air rises, don't they? |
96 | 00:07:54,560 | 00:07:56,995 | Wonder if it's any cooler down here. | Wonder if it's any cooler down here. |
97 | 00:08:08,240 | 00:08:09,230 | (SIGHING) | (SIGHING) |
98 | 00:08:17,120 | 00:08:18,474 | Good book? | Good book? |
99 | 00:08:19,280 | 00:08:20,953 | Extremely. | Extremely. |
100 | 00:08:21,040 | 00:08:24,999 | And I've just got to the interesting bit. So, if you don't mind... | And I've just got to the interesting bit. So, if you don't mind... |
101 | 00:08:26,400 | 00:08:27,435 | (SIGHING) | (SIGHING) |
102 | 00:08:33,840 | 00:08:36,912 | Got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night. | Got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night. |
103 | 00:08:38,760 | 00:08:41,832 | Great Aunt Joyce and Uncle Dick. | Great Aunt Joyce and Uncle Dick. |
104 | 00:08:43,360 | 00:08:46,239 | I wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one. | I wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one. |
105 | 00:08:46,320 | 00:08:48,118 | I expect so, yes. | I expect so, yes. |
106 | 00:08:49,920 | 00:08:52,958 | I knew we were in for a pleasant evening when he came in and said, | I knew we were in for a pleasant evening when he came in and said, |
107 | 00:08:53,040 | 00:08:55,190 | "Where shall I put the spittoon?" | "Where shall I put the spittoon?" |
108 | 00:08:59,320 | 00:09:03,109 | Told him to make himself feel at home, so he took his false arm off. | Told him to make himself feel at home, so he took his false arm off. |
109 | 00:09:04,680 | 00:09:07,194 | And said, "Ah, that's better." | And said, "Ah, that's better." |
110 | 00:09:08,120 | 00:09:10,350 | Didn't know where to look. | Didn't know where to look. |
111 | 00:09:13,440 | 00:09:16,512 | He was using it as a back scratcher at one point. | He was using it as a back scratcher at one point. |
112 | 00:09:22,320 | 00:09:24,834 | -Oh, do you remember? —Yes. | -Oh, do you remember? —Yes. |
113 | 00:09:25,000 | 00:09:27,958 | I mean, that's all you want to hear half way through a meal, isn't it? | I mean, that's all you want to hear half way through a meal, isn't it? |
114 | 00:09:28,040 | 00:09:31,396 | "Don't make her laugh too much. Her glass eye is a bit loose." | "Don't make her laugh too much. Her glass eye is a bit loose." |
115 | 00:09:36,280 | 00:09:39,079 | Right in a plate of salad. | Right in a plate of salad. |
116 | 00:09:40,720 | 00:09:43,075 | And the eyesight's not that good in the other one. | And the eyesight's not that good in the other one. |
117 | 00:09:43,160 | 00:09:45,959 | Shouting, "It's all right. I've got it." | Shouting, "It's all right. I've got it." |
118 | 00:09:48,240 | 00:09:51,949 | Thought we'd never prise that cherry tomato out of the socket. | Thought we'd never prise that cherry tomato out of the socket. |
119 | 00:09:59,560 | 00:10:01,039 | It's bad enough with the lawn mower | It's bad enough with the lawn mower |
120 | 00:10:01,120 | 00:10:04,476 | without having to put the dinner guests back together. | without having to put the dinner guests back together. |
121 | 00:10:07,760 | 00:10:08,750 | (SIGHING LOUDLY) | (SIGHING LOUDLY) |
122 | 00:10:11,080 | 00:10:14,118 | If it's no better than this tomorrow, | If it's no better than this tomorrow, |
123 | 00:10:14,840 | 00:10:17,559 | I may have to emigrate. | I may have to emigrate. |
124 | 00:10:17,800 | 00:10:21,316 | Oh, what did the forecast say? Perhaps it'll be a bit cooler. | Oh, what did the forecast say? Perhaps it'll be a bit cooler. |
125 | 00:10:21,480 | 00:10:24,154 | Yes, and perhaps it'll be hotter still. | Yes, and perhaps it'll be hotter still. |
126 | 00:10:24,920 | 00:10:28,072 | You know I never watch the weather forecasts. | You know I never watch the weather forecasts. |
127 | 00:10:28,360 | 00:10:31,273 | If it's a nice morning and they say it's going to be worse in the afternoon, | If it's a nice morning and they say it's going to be worse in the afternoon, |
128 | 00:10:31,360 | 00:10:33,590 | how can you enjoy the morning? | how can you enjoy the morning? |
129 | 00:10:34,640 | 00:10:36,790 | Best not to know about it. | Best not to know about it. |
130 | 00:10:38,240 | 00:10:40,675 | It's the same with life in general. | It's the same with life in general. |
131 | 00:10:41,080 | 00:10:45,039 | There are certain things you don't ever want to think about. | There are certain things you don't ever want to think about. |
132 | 00:10:45,120 | 00:10:46,599 | What sort of things? | What sort of things? |
133 | 00:10:46,680 | 00:10:49,479 | Well, I don't want to think about them, do I? | Well, I don't want to think about them, do I? |
134 | 00:10:52,560 | 00:10:55,279 | And it's the only way you can go on, isn't it? | And it's the only way you can go on, isn't it? |
135 | 00:10:55,360 | 00:10:57,636 | From one moment to the next. | From one moment to the next. |
136 | 00:10:58,520 | 00:11:01,239 | I mean, if you knew now, | I mean, if you knew now, |
137 | 00:11:01,320 | 00:11:04,472 | all the horrible things that were going to happen... | all the horrible things that were going to happen... |
138 | 00:11:12,240 | 00:11:15,392 | For the love of buggery. | For the love of buggery. |
139 | 00:11:15,480 | 00:11:19,951 | What did I say to you about making sure you put those screws in properly? | What did I say to you about making sure you put those screws in properly? |
140 | 00:11:20,440 | 00:11:23,558 | —Oh! —You know what a hell of a weight this thing is. | —Oh! —You know what a hell of a weight this thing is. |
141 | 00:11:23,760 | 00:11:24,750 | (GROANING) | (GROANING) |
142 | 00:11:25,280 | 00:11:27,715 | Is it still in one piece? | Is it still in one piece? |
143 | 00:11:31,560 | 00:11:33,836 | I daren't look. | I daren't look. |
144 | 00:11:37,280 | 00:11:40,557 | I suppose we should be glad it fell on something soft. | I suppose we should be glad it fell on something soft. |
145 | 00:11:43,320 | 00:11:46,039 | Yes, it's lucky I hadn't had a sachet of Viagra. | Yes, it's lucky I hadn't had a sachet of Viagra. |
146 | 00:11:46,120 | 00:11:48,430 | It could have been smashed to smithereens. | It could have been smashed to smithereens. |
147 | 00:11:50,120 | 00:11:51,679 | Don't be coarse. | Don't be coarse. |
148 | 00:11:52,000 | 00:11:54,833 | I mean, three and a half days it had to do that. | I mean, three and a half days it had to do that. |
149 | 00:11:54,920 | 00:11:58,629 | But no. It had to come down just at that moment. | But no. It had to come down just at that moment. |
150 | 00:11:59,840 | 00:12:00,830 | (GROANING) | (GROANING) |
151 | 00:12:12,080 | 00:12:15,914 | And my chest's all horrible and sticky. | And my chest's all horrible and sticky. |
152 | 00:12:16,640 | 00:12:19,234 | Seems as if it's gone all crisp everywhere now. | Seems as if it's gone all crisp everywhere now. |
153 | 00:12:19,320 | 00:12:23,109 | I'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer you've been squirting on. | I'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer you've been squirting on. |
154 | 00:12:26,560 | 00:12:28,756 | Enough to glue up a yak. | Enough to glue up a yak. |
155 | 00:12:30,240 | 00:12:33,870 | Hair lacquer? Thanks very much for pointing that out to me. | Hair lacquer? Thanks very much for pointing that out to me. |
156 | 00:12:33,960 | 00:12:36,190 | You should look at things more carefully in the first place. | You should look at things more carefully in the first place. |
157 | 00:12:36,280 | 00:12:38,317 | You are hot. I'm hot. | You are hot. I'm hot. |
158 | 00:12:38,400 | 00:12:42,030 | There's nothing we can do about it until the power comes back on. | There's nothing we can do about it until the power comes back on. |
159 | 00:12:43,200 | 00:12:44,679 | And when will that be? | And when will that be? |
160 | 00:12:44,760 | 00:12:47,559 | I expect it'll come back on any minute. | I expect it'll come back on any minute. |
161 | 00:12:47,680 | 00:12:51,116 | Now, do you mind? | Now, do you mind? |
162 | 00:13:00,800 | 00:13:01,790 | (EXHALING LOUDLY) | (EXHALING LOUDLY) |
163 | 00:13:05,960 | 00:13:07,951 | (UNFOLDING NEWSPAPER LOUDLY) | (UNFOLDING NEWSPAPER LOUDLY) |
164 | 00:13:14,280 | 00:13:18,194 | Is that the one where the murderer fires a crossbow through the keyhole? | Is that the one where the murderer fires a crossbow through the keyhole? |
165 | 00:13:21,320 | 00:13:24,358 | It's a very good one, if I remember rightly. | It's a very good one, if I remember rightly. |
166 | 00:13:29,800 | 00:13:30,915 | What? | What? |
167 | 00:13:31,440 | 00:13:32,953 | Why do I bother? | Why do I bother? |
168 | 00:13:33,640 | 00:13:37,110 | I have no idea sometimes. | I have no idea sometimes. |
169 | 00:13:37,280 | 00:13:39,999 | But all that happens at the beginning, surely? | But all that happens at the beginning, surely? |
170 | 00:13:42,040 | 00:13:45,271 | Or do you only find out about it at the end? | Or do you only find out about it at the end? |
171 | 00:13:47,960 | 00:13:50,918 | Ah, yes. | Ah, yes. |
172 | 00:13:52,360 | 00:13:54,158 | Sorry about that. | Sorry about that. |
173 | 00:14:00,840 | 00:14:03,719 | Do you mind if I borrow the torch now? | Do you mind if I borrow the torch now? |
174 | 00:14:04,120 | 00:14:06,236 | If you've finished with it. | If you've finished with it. |
175 | 00:14:07,120 | 00:14:08,349 | Thanks. | Thanks. |
176 | 00:14:15,520 | 00:14:19,434 | Oh, there's a man here who never throws his urine away. | Oh, there's a man here who never throws his urine away. |
177 | 00:14:20,760 | 00:14:22,671 | Belongs to a religious sect | Belongs to a religious sect |
178 | 00:14:22,760 | 00:14:25,593 | that regard it as a sacred bodily fluid | that regard it as a sacred bodily fluid |
179 | 00:14:25,680 | 00:14:28,149 | containing part of the human soul. | containing part of the human soul. |
180 | 00:14:29,120 | 00:14:33,318 | Kept everything he's ever passed since October 1973. | Kept everything he's ever passed since October 1973. |
181 | 00:14:34,840 | 00:14:37,878 | All bottled up in a huge wine cellar. | All bottled up in a huge wine cellar. |
182 | 00:14:38,400 | 00:14:43,270 | And now, apparently, Leicestershire County Council are getting a court order to have it removed. | And now, apparently, Leicestershire County Council are getting a court order to have it removed. |
183 | 00:14:44,440 | 00:14:46,750 | "Said Mr Hibbert, 48, | "Said Mr Hibbert, 48, |
184 | 00:14:46,840 | 00:14:49,514 | "'It's not the first time people have tried to take the piss. | "'It's not the first time people have tried to take the piss. |
185 | 00:14:49,600 | 00:14:54,117 | Oh, you just love finding things like that in the paper, don't you? | Oh, you just love finding things like that in the paper, don't you? |
186 | 00:14:57,280 | 00:14:59,920 | I'm only reading what it says. | I'm only reading what it says. |
187 | 00:15:00,640 | 00:15:04,599 | Right up your street, that sort of thing. Just tickles you to death. | Right up your street, that sort of thing. Just tickles you to death. |
188 | 00:15:09,480 | 00:15:13,997 | Read in here the other day, we'll soon be able to go to the toilet over the internet. | Read in here the other day, we'll soon be able to go to the toilet over the internet. |
189 | 00:15:15,800 | 00:15:18,872 | I mean, how the hell is that supposed to work? | I mean, how the hell is that supposed to work? |
190 | 00:15:20,240 | 00:15:23,551 | I don't know why I buy the bloody thing sometimes. | I don't know why I buy the bloody thing sometimes. |
191 | 00:15:27,360 | 00:15:28,350 | (MOSQUITO BUZZING) | (MOSQUITO BUZZING) |
192 | 00:15:31,760 | 00:15:34,036 | Oh, God, what did I tell you? | Oh, God, what did I tell you? |
193 | 00:15:34,120 | 00:15:36,839 | Now, where's the insect repellent? | Now, where's the insect repellent? |
194 | 00:15:37,040 | 00:15:39,156 | I think I left it in the car. | I think I left it in the car. |
195 | 00:15:41,280 | 00:15:42,953 | Don't... You're not opening that front door. | Don't... You're not opening that front door. |
196 | 00:15:43,040 | 00:15:46,192 | Well, what's the difference? They're in here now, anyway. | Well, what's the difference? They're in here now, anyway. |
197 | 00:15:52,960 | 00:15:55,679 | VICTOR: And what the hell do you think you're playing at? | VICTOR: And what the hell do you think you're playing at? |
198 | 00:15:55,760 | 00:15:57,671 | That's my bloody... Up, move it! | That's my bloody... Up, move it! |
199 | 00:15:57,760 | 00:16:00,991 | This hasn't been parked here for your recreation, for God's sakes. | This hasn't been parked here for your recreation, for God's sakes. |
200 | 00:16:02,560 | 00:16:04,631 | Stop doing that while I'm talking to you. | Stop doing that while I'm talking to you. |
201 | 00:16:05,200 | 00:16:07,794 | (INDISTINCT MUMBLING) | (INDISTINCT MUMBLING) |
202 | 00:16:09,000 | 00:16:10,354 | Get out of there! | Get out of there! |
203 | 00:16:11,560 | 00:16:13,437 | ...law down here. | ...law down here. |
204 | 00:16:13,520 | 00:16:16,239 | I've never seen this sort of carry on in my life! Go on! | I've never seen this sort of carry on in my life! Go on! |
205 | 00:16:16,360 | 00:16:19,000 | You! Get your toes out of my headrest! | You! Get your toes out of my headrest! |
206 | 00:16:21,960 | 00:16:24,349 | ...will know about it, I can tell you. | ...will know about it, I can tell you. |
207 | 00:16:24,680 | 00:16:25,670 | (DOOR CLOSING) | (DOOR CLOSING) |
208 | 00:16:26,120 | 00:16:30,591 | Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit, I don't know what does! | Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit, I don't know what does! |
209 | 00:16:30,680 | 00:16:32,239 | Did you see that? | Did you see that? |
210 | 00:16:32,320 | 00:16:34,516 | Young bloke from down the road with his girlfriend | Young bloke from down the road with his girlfriend |
211 | 00:16:34,600 | 00:16:37,513 | only having sex in the back seat of our car. | only having sex in the back seat of our car. |
212 | 00:16:38,840 | 00:16:41,116 | Well, I had forgotten to close the sun roof. | Well, I had forgotten to close the sun roof. |
213 | 00:16:41,200 | 00:16:45,990 | Bold as brass, just merrily getting on with it without a thought for my suspension. | Bold as brass, just merrily getting on with it without a thought for my suspension. |
214 | 00:16:47,800 | 00:16:50,872 | They didn't even stop when I opened the door. | They didn't even stop when I opened the door. |
215 | 00:16:51,400 | 00:16:53,630 | Stark naked, the pair of them. | Stark naked, the pair of them. |
216 | 00:16:53,720 | 00:16:57,634 | And he had the cheek to tell me to go and put some clothes on. | And he had the cheek to tell me to go and put some clothes on. |
217 | 00:16:58,560 | 00:17:01,473 | Said I was lowering the whole tone of the area. | Said I was lowering the whole tone of the area. |
218 | 00:17:02,080 | 00:17:04,071 | It's that poor butcher's son, Kevin. | It's that poor butcher's son, Kevin. |
219 | 00:17:04,160 | 00:17:06,879 | You see, they don't care any more, youngsters like that. | You see, they don't care any more, youngsters like that. |
220 | 00:17:06,960 | 00:17:09,600 | Butcher his pork next time I see him. | Butcher his pork next time I see him. |
221 | 00:17:09,840 | 00:17:11,558 | Clothes all over the front seat. | Clothes all over the front seat. |
222 | 00:17:11,640 | 00:17:14,632 | And I daren't tell you what I found on the gear stick. | And I daren't tell you what I found on the gear stick. |
223 | 00:17:17,880 | 00:17:18,950 | God! | God! |
224 | 00:17:20,040 | 00:17:23,920 | Completely wore myself out now, with all that. | Completely wore myself out now, with all that. |
225 | 00:17:27,360 | 00:17:29,795 | Oh, I'm sorry, Margaret. | Oh, I'm sorry, Margaret. |
226 | 00:17:30,400 | 00:17:32,994 | I've had it with the human race. | I've had it with the human race. |
227 | 00:17:33,680 | 00:17:36,240 | I'm going to become a registered hermit. | I'm going to become a registered hermit. |
228 | 00:17:37,920 | 00:17:39,752 | Who was it said, | Who was it said, |
229 | 00:17:40,040 | 00:17:42,031 | "Hell is other people"? | "Hell is other people"? |
230 | 00:17:42,120 | 00:17:44,680 | Mrs Smedley at number 14. | Mrs Smedley at number 14. |
231 | 00:17:45,560 | 00:17:48,552 | —Was it? —Just after she got back from Benidorm. | —Was it? —Just after she got back from Benidorm. |
232 | 00:17:48,800 | 00:17:52,509 | And she's got enough on her plate with that mother and father of his living there. | And she's got enough on her plate with that mother and father of his living there. |
233 | 00:17:52,600 | 00:17:54,352 | I don't know how she copes. | I don't know how she copes. |
234 | 00:17:54,440 | 00:17:56,909 | Don't know when I last saw him. | Don't know when I last saw him. |
235 | 00:17:57,400 | 00:18:01,553 | Didn't someone say he's actually so fat he can't get out the front door now? | Didn't someone say he's actually so fat he can't get out the front door now? |
236 | 00:18:02,200 | 00:18:04,476 | How ever much must he weigh? | How ever much must he weigh? |
237 | 00:18:04,560 | 00:18:05,994 | Don't know. | Don't know. |
238 | 00:18:06,200 | 00:18:10,671 | I think it's got something to do with all the tablets he has to take. Poor old soul. | I think it's got something to do with all the tablets he has to take. Poor old soul. |
239 | 00:18:11,720 | 00:18:13,358 | I know the neighbours have been complaining. | I know the neighbours have been complaining. |
240 | 00:18:13,440 | 00:18:17,229 | When she hangs his underpants out to dry, they lose an hour's daylight. | When she hangs his underpants out to dry, they lose an hour's daylight. |
241 | 00:18:20,000 | 00:18:24,437 | I'll be reporting that little incident to the parents concerned. Don't you worry. | I'll be reporting that little incident to the parents concerned. Don't you worry. |
242 | 00:18:25,400 | 00:18:28,791 | Bloody yobbery. Morning, noon and night. | Bloody yobbery. Morning, noon and night. |
243 | 00:18:28,880 | 00:18:29,870 | (MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY) | (MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY) |
244 | 00:18:30,200 | 00:18:33,318 | —At last! —The relief! | —At last! —The relief! |
245 | 00:18:42,160 | 00:18:45,312 | I do not believe it! | I do not believe it! |
246 | 00:18:47,760 | 00:18:49,114 | False alarm. | False alarm. |
247 | 00:18:49,200 | 00:18:52,830 | I might have known. Just as that was coming up on the box. Did you see that? | I might have known. Just as that was coming up on the box. Did you see that? |
248 | 00:18:52,920 | 00:18:54,672 | —See what? —On the screen just there. | —See what? —On the screen just there. |
249 | 00:18:54,760 | 00:18:57,070 | A man pointing at a photograph of my feet! | A man pointing at a photograph of my feet! |
250 | 00:18:57,160 | 00:18:59,549 | Oh, for goodness sake. | Oh, for goodness sake. |
251 | 00:18:59,640 | 00:19:01,995 | On the Southeast News, as large as life. | On the Southeast News, as large as life. |
252 | 00:19:02,080 | 00:19:04,117 | I just caught it before it went off again. | I just caught it before it went off again. |
253 | 00:19:04,200 | 00:19:06,874 | That was a detail from the Crucifixion. | That was a detail from the Crucifixion. |
254 | 00:19:08,480 | 00:19:10,790 | I think I know my own feet when I see them. | I think I know my own feet when I see them. |
255 | 00:19:10,880 | 00:19:14,157 | It's a programme about Renaissance art. | It's a programme about Renaissance art. |
256 | 00:19:14,240 | 00:19:16,754 | I recognise the mole above my big toe. | I recognise the mole above my big toe. |
257 | 00:19:16,840 | 00:19:18,558 | That was a nail. | That was a nail. |
258 | 00:19:24,840 | 00:19:29,516 | —Well, I know what I saw. -Oh, will you stop fretting about them? | —Well, I know what I saw. -Oh, will you stop fretting about them? |
259 | 00:19:29,600 | 00:19:32,479 | There's absolutely nothing the matter with them. | There's absolutely nothing the matter with them. |
260 | 00:19:36,360 | 00:19:37,350 | (VICTOR SIGHING) | (VICTOR SIGHING) |
261 | 00:19:39,920 | 00:19:42,992 | So we still can't watch any television. | So we still can't watch any television. |
262 | 00:19:44,520 | 00:19:46,238 | What's on anyway? | What's on anyway? |
263 | 00:19:46,880 | 00:19:50,396 | Dinosaur Hospital. Pick of the day. | Dinosaur Hospital. Pick of the day. |
264 | 00:19:50,640 | 00:19:54,190 | "This week, through the magic of state of the art technology, | "This week, through the magic of state of the art technology, |
265 | 00:19:54,280 | 00:19:58,751 | "the team help a pterodactyl with a cleft palate resume a normal life." | "the team help a pterodactyl with a cleft palate resume a normal life." |
266 | 00:20:01,040 | 00:20:04,795 | I presume the presenters are computer—generated as well, are they? | I presume the presenters are computer—generated as well, are they? |
267 | 00:20:05,840 | 00:20:10,311 | I mean, Rolf Harris has been dead for 15 years to my certain knowledge. | I mean, Rolf Harris has been dead for 15 years to my certain knowledge. |
268 | 00:20:16,160 | 00:20:20,040 | It's more than flesh and blood can stand. | It's more than flesh and blood can stand. |
269 | 00:20:20,680 | 00:20:23,877 | Oh, I expect it'll come back on in a minute. | Oh, I expect it'll come back on in a minute. |
270 | 00:20:33,200 | 00:20:36,636 | Well, there's nothing else for it | Well, there's nothing else for it |
271 | 00:20:37,320 | 00:20:41,553 | but to listen to Dale Winton reciting Kubla Khan. | but to listen to Dale Winton reciting Kubla Khan. |
272 | 00:20:43,200 | 00:20:44,634 | Do we have to? | Do we have to? |
273 | 00:20:44,960 | 00:20:48,032 | I need something to bring a smile to my face. | I need something to bring a smile to my face. |
274 | 00:20:49,360 | 00:20:53,149 | DALE WINTON ON TAPE“. In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree | DALE WINTON ON TAPE“. In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree |
275 | 00:20:53,240 | 00:20:55,356 | Where Alph, the sacred river, ran | Where Alph, the sacred river, ran |
276 | 00:20:55,440 | 00:20:58,751 | Through caverns measureless to man Down to a sunless sea | Through caverns measureless to man Down to a sunless sea |
277 | 00:20:58,840 | 00:21:02,310 | (VOICE DISTORTING) 50 [wire five miles of fertile ground... | (VOICE DISTORTING) 50 [wire five miles of fertile ground... |
278 | 00:21:05,440 | 00:21:08,159 | Oh, turn it off. | Oh, turn it off. |
279 | 00:21:11,560 | 00:21:14,552 | Well, there must be some more batteries in this drawer somewhere. | Well, there must be some more batteries in this drawer somewhere. |
280 | 00:21:14,640 | 00:21:16,631 | There aren't. I've already checked. | There aren't. I've already checked. |
281 | 00:21:16,720 | 00:21:18,438 | Well, we can't have run out of... | Well, we can't have run out of... |
282 | 00:21:18,520 | 00:21:20,875 | Ah, now then. | Ah, now then. |
283 | 00:21:21,320 | 00:21:23,880 | Oh, how did we forget about this? | Oh, how did we forget about this? |
284 | 00:21:24,360 | 00:21:28,672 | The scented candle that Ronnie and Mildred brought back from Marrakesh. | The scented candle that Ronnie and Mildred brought back from Marrakesh. |
285 | 00:21:28,760 | 00:21:31,070 | Are we really that desperate? | Are we really that desperate? |
286 | 00:21:32,040 | 00:21:33,633 | I'm afraid we are. | I'm afraid we are. |
287 | 00:21:33,720 | 00:21:38,510 | "An enchanting blend of camphor, vanilla and peach." | "An enchanting blend of camphor, vanilla and peach." |
288 | 00:21:38,600 | 00:21:40,352 | Well, it can't be that bad. | Well, it can't be that bad. |
289 | 00:21:47,840 | 00:21:51,913 | Talk about the devils. Don't bring it over here. | Talk about the devils. Don't bring it over here. |
290 | 00:21:52,440 | 00:21:53,430 | (MARGARET COUGHING) | (MARGARET COUGHING) |
291 | 00:22:04,480 | 00:22:07,632 | "Important. This is not a circular." | "Important. This is not a circular." |
292 | 00:22:08,880 | 00:22:11,440 | —\/\/hat is it? —A circular. | —\/\/hat is it? —A circular. |
293 | 00:22:12,480 | 00:22:17,793 | "Apply now for your special discount loyalty card to Cottleswood Crematorium. | "Apply now for your special discount loyalty card to Cottleswood Crematorium. |
294 | 00:22:18,640 | 00:22:22,270 | "Collect 3,000 points or more for a cash bonus, | "Collect 3,000 points or more for a cash bonus, |
295 | 00:22:22,360 | 00:22:28,311 | "plus a free clock radio if you nominate a friend to be cremated before August 31 st." | "plus a free clock radio if you nominate a friend to be cremated before August 31 st." |
296 | 00:22:31,880 | 00:22:34,998 | If I nominate anything, it'll be all this bloody junk. | If I nominate anything, it'll be all this bloody junk. |
297 | 00:22:35,080 | 00:22:37,720 | I meant to get some batteries when I was out this morning, | I meant to get some batteries when I was out this morning, |
298 | 00:22:37,800 | 00:22:40,758 | but with all that kerfuffle on the way home, it just went right out of my mind. | but with all that kerfuffle on the way home, it just went right out of my mind. |
299 | 00:22:40,840 | 00:22:42,399 | What kerfuffle's that? | What kerfuffle's that? |
300 | 00:22:42,480 | 00:22:45,472 | Oh, yes. I didn't tell you, did I? | Oh, yes. I didn't tell you, did I? |
301 | 00:22:45,880 | 00:22:51,193 | There was a big siege going on in one of those houses by the putting green. | There was a big siege going on in one of those houses by the putting green. |
302 | 00:22:51,280 | 00:22:56,116 | Some maniac, apparently, holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint. | Some maniac, apparently, holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint. |
303 | 00:22:56,400 | 00:22:58,471 | The police had got the whole area sealed off. | The police had got the whole area sealed off. |
304 | 00:22:58,560 | 00:23:01,871 | Traffic was being diverted. It was just like something out of a film. | Traffic was being diverted. It was just like something out of a film. |
305 | 00:23:01,960 | 00:23:04,998 | Apparently, they weren't allowing anyone near the park. | Apparently, they weren't allowing anyone near the park. |
306 | 00:23:05,080 | 00:23:08,596 | They'd got concealed marksmen in the bushes. God knows what else. | They'd got concealed marksmen in the bushes. God knows what else. |
307 | 00:23:10,400 | 00:23:11,834 | What time was this? | What time was this? |
308 | 00:23:11,920 | 00:23:14,833 | Well, it's been going on since yesterday lunchtime, I think they said. | Well, it's been going on since yesterday lunchtime, I think they said. |
309 | 00:23:14,920 | 00:23:17,833 | But I was up the park first thing this morning. | But I was up the park first thing this morning. |
310 | 00:23:17,920 | 00:23:22,232 | Took that shortcut by the wire netting right next to the putting green. | Took that shortcut by the wire netting right next to the putting green. |
311 | 00:23:22,760 | 00:23:24,353 | I didn't see any concealed marksmen. | I didn't see any concealed marksmen. |
312 | 00:23:24,440 | 00:23:27,239 | Well, you wouldn't, would you? They were concealed. | Well, you wouldn't, would you? They were concealed. |
313 | 00:23:27,640 | 00:23:29,950 | I mean, obviously they were taking no chances. | I mean, obviously they were taking no chances. |
314 | 00:23:30,040 | 00:23:32,509 | Reckoned this man was a complete nutcase. | Reckoned this man was a complete nutcase. |
315 | 00:23:32,600 | 00:23:36,116 | Said if he saw anyone doing anything remotely suspicious, | Said if he saw anyone doing anything remotely suspicious, |
316 | 00:23:36,200 | 00:23:39,397 | he was just going to open fire on them and ask questions later. | he was just going to open fire on them and ask questions later. |
317 | 00:23:39,480 | 00:23:41,232 | Remotely suspicious? | Remotely suspicious? |
318 | 00:23:41,320 | 00:23:44,358 | You mean I was fart arsing about up there in the middle of the grass | You mean I was fart arsing about up there in the middle of the grass |
319 | 00:23:44,440 | 00:23:48,991 | in full view of an armed psychopath doing bloody Tai Chi exercises? | in full view of an armed psychopath doing bloody Tai Chi exercises? |
320 | 00:23:49,080 | 00:23:52,072 | Jabbing my hands in the air like a simpleton. | Jabbing my hands in the air like a simpleton. |
321 | 00:23:52,720 | 00:23:55,519 | I could have ended up with a bullet through my... | I could have ended up with a bullet through my... |
322 | 00:24:03,520 | 00:24:07,400 | No. No, it'll be what you said. | No. No, it'll be what you said. |
323 | 00:24:07,960 | 00:24:10,395 | Someone with a cigarette in a pub. | Someone with a cigarette in a pub. |
324 | 00:24:10,480 | 00:24:14,394 | I mean, this is... This is probably a completely different part of the park | I mean, this is... This is probably a completely different part of the park |
325 | 00:24:14,480 | 00:24:15,879 | or something. | or something. |
326 | 00:24:17,600 | 00:24:20,240 | I've come over all faint now. | I've come over all faint now. |
327 | 00:24:22,240 | 00:24:26,711 | I got a sort of quivery feeling in my left ear like a whining sound. | I got a sort of quivery feeling in my left ear like a whining sound. |
328 | 00:24:28,760 | 00:24:29,750 | (MOSQUITO BUZZING) | (MOSQUITO BUZZING) |
329 | 00:24:29,840 | 00:24:33,276 | Bloody thing! I thought I killed it! | Bloody thing! I thought I killed it! |
330 | 00:24:33,360 | 00:24:34,873 | Where's the spray? | Where's the spray? |
331 | 00:24:34,960 | 00:24:38,794 | Probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now. | Probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now. |
332 | 00:24:39,760 | 00:24:40,750 | (DOORBELL RINGING) | (DOORBELL RINGING) |
333 | 00:24:41,440 | 00:24:43,590 | Who the hell is that at this time of night? | Who the hell is that at this time of night? |
334 | 00:24:49,440 | 00:24:50,430 | (WOMAN MURMURING INDISTINCTLY) | (WOMAN MURMURING INDISTINCTLY) |
335 | 00:24:53,000 | 00:24:56,118 | MARGARET: Well, of course we wouldn't mind. | MARGARET: Well, of course we wouldn't mind. |
336 | 00:24:57,280 | 00:24:59,317 | Well, we'll be only too pleased to. | Well, we'll be only too pleased to. |
337 | 00:24:59,400 | 00:25:02,438 | So if you want to bring him over, that'll be fine. | So if you want to bring him over, that'll be fine. |
338 | 00:25:03,840 | 00:25:06,878 | What wouldn't we mind? What are we only too pleased to do now? | What wouldn't we mind? What are we only too pleased to do now? |
339 | 00:25:06,960 | 00:25:10,919 | Mrs Smedley. She's got to take her mother—in—law up the hospital. | Mrs Smedley. She's got to take her mother—in—law up the hospital. |
340 | 00:25:11,000 | 00:25:12,718 | They think she's had a stroke. | They think she's had a stroke. |
341 | 00:25:12,800 | 00:25:17,636 | And, of course, they can't leave the old man on his own over there in the dark and everything. | And, of course, they can't leave the old man on his own over there in the dark and everything. |
342 | 00:25:17,760 | 00:25:21,435 | So she said, would we mind keeping an eye on him in here | So she said, would we mind keeping an eye on him in here |
343 | 00:25:21,560 | 00:25:25,235 | just to make sure that he's all right, you know, till they come back. | just to make sure that he's all right, you know, till they come back. |
344 | 00:25:25,320 | 00:25:27,311 | Oh, you're joking. | Oh, you're joking. |
345 | 00:25:27,400 | 00:25:31,234 | Old Mr Smedley, the Hindenburg disaster on legs? | Old Mr Smedley, the Hindenburg disaster on legs? |
346 | 00:25:32,400 | 00:25:35,438 | I mean, how have we got room for him in here? | I mean, how have we got room for him in here? |
347 | 00:25:35,680 | 00:25:38,240 | He'll cause a lunar eclipse just passing the window. | He'll cause a lunar eclipse just passing the window. |
348 | 00:25:38,320 | 00:25:39,310 | (KNOCKING AT DOOR) | (KNOCKING AT DOOR) |
349 | 00:25:39,400 | 00:25:42,392 | Victor, what else was I supposed to say? Coming. | Victor, what else was I supposed to say? Coming. |
350 | 00:25:42,480 | 00:25:45,040 | Hello, Mr Sme... Oh. | Hello, Mr Sme... Oh. |
351 | 00:25:45,120 | 00:25:50,274 | My goodness. That's a handy gadget to have in a power cut, is it? | My goodness. That's a handy gadget to have in a power cut, is it? |
352 | 00:25:50,360 | 00:25:53,193 | Yes, it used to belong to my brother. | Yes, it used to belong to my brother. |
353 | 00:25:53,280 | 00:25:56,830 | Worked in the Kent mine fields for 25 years. | Worked in the Kent mine fields for 25 years. |
354 | 00:25:56,920 | 00:26:00,197 | —Really? —Mmm, prior to his untimely death | —Really? —Mmm, prior to his untimely death |
355 | 00:26:00,280 | 00:26:03,511 | —from respiratory failure. -Oh, dear. | —from respiratory failure. -Oh, dear. |
356 | 00:26:03,600 | 00:26:06,160 | Well, can we... Swing over here. | Well, can we... Swing over here. |
357 | 00:26:07,960 | 00:26:09,837 | Is that... Can you manage that? | Is that... Can you manage that? |
358 | 00:26:09,920 | 00:26:11,957 | Oh, I think we're in business. | Oh, I think we're in business. |
359 | 00:26:12,480 | 00:26:14,915 | —You... You remember Victor? —Mmm. | —You... You remember Victor? —Mmm. |
360 | 00:26:15,000 | 00:26:18,595 | Yes, sorry to hear about your wife, Mr Smedley. | Yes, sorry to hear about your wife, Mr Smedley. |
361 | 00:26:18,680 | 00:26:21,035 | Why don't you come and sit yourself down? | Why don't you come and sit yourself down? |
362 | 00:26:21,120 | 00:26:24,078 | Yes, I... I will if you... | Yes, I... I will if you... |
363 | 00:26:24,440 | 00:26:26,113 | If you don't mind. | If you don't mind. |
364 | 00:26:27,280 | 00:26:28,918 | Thank you. | Thank you. |
365 | 00:26:38,800 | 00:26:41,360 | I'm very sorry about all this. | I'm very sorry about all this. |
366 | 00:26:41,680 | 00:26:45,196 | —I'm sorry to be such a nuisance. -Oh, don't be silly. | —I'm sorry to be such a nuisance. -Oh, don't be silly. |
367 | 00:26:45,280 | 00:26:48,511 | Er, would you like a brandy or anything to steady your nerves? | Er, would you like a brandy or anything to steady your nerves? |
368 | 00:26:48,600 | 00:26:52,673 | Oh, no, it's all right. I've, er, I've got my hot water bottle. | Oh, no, it's all right. I've, er, I've got my hot water bottle. |
369 | 00:26:55,080 | 00:26:58,755 | It's always a great comfort, I find. | It's always a great comfort, I find. |
370 | 00:26:59,480 | 00:27:00,834 | Hot water. | Hot water. |
371 | 00:27:01,520 | 00:27:03,830 | Sorry to be such a nuisance. | Sorry to be such a nuisance. |
372 | 00:27:05,240 | 00:27:07,709 | They think my wife's had a stroke. | They think my wife's had a stroke. |
373 | 00:27:07,800 | 00:27:09,313 | Yes, we, erm... | Yes, we, erm... |
374 | 00:27:09,400 | 00:27:13,394 | Hope she'll be all right up there. They're terribly overstretched. | Hope she'll be all right up there. They're terribly overstretched. |
375 | 00:27:14,800 | 00:27:17,599 | Lady next door had to wait two hours the other week | Lady next door had to wait two hours the other week |
376 | 00:27:17,680 | 00:27:19,751 | just to get to the operating theatre. | just to get to the operating theatre. |
377 | 00:27:20,240 | 00:27:24,598 | They said they were very short of trolleys and did she mind sharing with a corpse? | They said they were very short of trolleys and did she mind sharing with a corpse? |
378 | 00:27:26,200 | 00:27:28,191 | It is a nightmare these days. | It is a nightmare these days. |
379 | 00:27:28,280 | 00:27:30,237 | I hope she'll be all right up there. | I hope she'll be all right up there. |
380 | 00:27:30,320 | 00:27:33,278 | They said she'd probably be out in a few days. | They said she'd probably be out in a few days. |
381 | 00:27:33,800 | 00:27:35,438 | I expect she will. | I expect she will. |
382 | 00:27:38,000 | 00:27:39,274 | Well, | Well, |
383 | 00:27:40,000 | 00:27:44,039 | perhaps I'll just sit here and read my book. | perhaps I'll just sit here and read my book. |
384 | 00:27:44,280 | 00:27:46,874 | —Would you mind? —No, of course not. You go ahead. | —Would you mind? —No, of course not. You go ahead. |
385 | 00:27:46,960 | 00:27:48,280 | Thank you. | Thank you. |
386 | 00:27:51,480 | 00:27:52,834 | "Chapter eight. | "Chapter eight. |
387 | 00:27:53,680 | 00:27:57,230 | "Late that evening, I was surprised at my lodgings | "Late that evening, I was surprised at my lodgings |
388 | 00:27:57,560 | 00:27:59,870 | "by a visit from Mr Bruff. | "by a visit from Mr Bruff. |
389 | 00:28:00,400 | 00:28:03,950 | "There was a noticeable change in the lawyer's manner. | "There was a noticeable change in the lawyer's manner. |
390 | 00:28:04,160 | 00:28:07,516 | "It had lost its usual confidence and spirit. | "It had lost its usual confidence and spirit. |
391 | 00:28:07,960 | 00:28:11,271 | "He shook hands with me, for the first time in his life, | "He shook hands with me, for the first time in his life, |
392 | 00:28:11,360 | 00:28:12,714 | "in silence. | "in silence. |
393 | 00:28:13,200 | 00:28:16,079 | —"'Are you going back to Hampstead?' I asked... —Er, sorry, excuse me. | —"'Are you going back to Hampstead?' I asked... —Er, sorry, excuse me. |
394 | 00:28:16,160 | 00:28:18,197 | "...by way of saying..." Pardon? | "...by way of saying..." Pardon? |
395 | 00:28:18,520 | 00:28:23,151 | Sorry. You actually have to read it out aloud or... | Sorry. You actually have to read it out aloud or... |
396 | 00:28:23,600 | 00:28:27,434 | It's the only way I can get it to go in, unfortunately. | It's the only way I can get it to go in, unfortunately. |
397 | 00:28:27,800 | 00:28:29,359 | And stay there. | And stay there. |
398 | 00:28:30,320 | 00:28:33,233 | You'll find that when you get old. | You'll find that when you get old. |
399 | 00:28:34,640 | 00:28:39,032 | Yes, you see, I knew I was going to be a nuisance. | Yes, you see, I knew I was going to be a nuisance. |
400 | 00:28:39,120 | 00:28:43,432 | No, no, no, Mr Smedley. If it helps to take your mind off things... | No, no, no, Mr Smedley. If it helps to take your mind off things... |
401 | 00:28:44,120 | 00:28:47,875 | Anyway, I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid. | Anyway, I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid. |
402 | 00:28:47,960 | 00:28:50,236 | Oh, fine. Well, you know where it is and everything. | Oh, fine. Well, you know where it is and everything. |
403 | 00:28:50,320 | 00:28:53,711 | No. I mean I'm going to the toilet now. | No. I mean I'm going to the toilet now. |
404 | 00:28:59,560 | 00:29:01,153 | As I speak. | As I speak. |
405 | 00:29:02,760 | 00:29:05,798 | The control goes, you know, after a while. | The control goes, you know, after a while. |
406 | 00:29:06,360 | 00:29:09,557 | Aggravated by too much stress and excitement. | Aggravated by too much stress and excitement. |
407 | 00:29:09,720 | 00:29:13,315 | Well, arm, you know... Well, let's get you sorted out. | Well, arm, you know... Well, let's get you sorted out. |
408 | 00:29:13,400 | 00:29:14,629 | —Well... —Yes. | —Well... —Yes. |
409 | 00:29:14,720 | 00:29:17,997 | Upsy-daisy, Mr Smedley. That's the ticket. | Upsy-daisy, Mr Smedley. That's the ticket. |
410 | 00:29:18,800 | 00:29:20,029 | Oh, God. | Oh, God. |
411 | 00:29:20,680 | 00:29:22,432 | —Well, here you are. —Yeah. | —Well, here you are. —Yeah. |
412 | 00:29:22,520 | 00:29:25,114 | Oh, I don't think there's any damage done, | Oh, I don't think there's any damage done, |
413 | 00:29:25,360 | 00:29:28,239 | so, er, you better go first, I think. | so, er, you better go first, I think. |
414 | 00:29:28,320 | 00:29:31,551 | Yeah. You see, I said I was being a nuisance | Yeah. You see, I said I was being a nuisance |
415 | 00:29:31,640 | 00:29:34,029 | —and I have been. —No, no. | —and I have been. —No, no. |
416 | 00:29:34,400 | 00:29:36,960 | She'll be all right, though, won't she, up there? | She'll be all right, though, won't she, up there? |
417 | 00:29:37,040 | 00:29:41,159 | I mean, they... They said she'd only be in for a few days. | I mean, they... They said she'd only be in for a few days. |
418 | 00:29:41,480 | 00:29:42,470 | (MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING) | (MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING) |
419 | 00:29:45,240 | 00:29:47,595 | MR SMEDLEY: I'll go in here. MARGARET: Yes, all right. | MR SMEDLEY: I'll go in here. MARGARET: Yes, all right. |
420 | 00:29:47,680 | 00:29:49,353 | (MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING) | (MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING) |
421 | 00:30:20,240 | 00:30:23,676 | My God, I suppose we're going to be up with him all night. | My God, I suppose we're going to be up with him all night. |
422 | 00:30:23,960 | 00:30:26,634 | Potty training Mr Creosote. | Potty training Mr Creosote. |
423 | 00:30:28,600 | 00:30:30,637 | That's all we need ed. | That's all we need ed. |
424 | 00:30:30,720 | 00:30:35,556 | No, no. It looked as if he's going to nod off in there, actually. | No, no. It looked as if he's going to nod off in there, actually. |
425 | 00:30:36,040 | 00:30:38,190 | I think we might just let him sleep. | I think we might just let him sleep. |
426 | 00:30:38,280 | 00:30:40,157 | —Oh. —What? | —Oh. —What? |
427 | 00:30:40,240 | 00:30:42,516 | I just feel a bit sick. | I just feel a bit sick. |
428 | 00:30:42,600 | 00:30:44,910 | What? How sick? | What? How sick? |
429 | 00:30:45,000 | 00:30:48,038 | And breathlessness. What else have you got? Chest pains? | And breathlessness. What else have you got? Chest pains? |
430 | 00:30:48,120 | 00:30:50,350 | Radiating outwards towards the shoulders? | Radiating outwards towards the shoulders? |
431 | 00:30:50,440 | 00:30:51,999 | No, no, I'll be okay in a minute. | No, no, I'll be okay in a minute. |
432 | 00:30:52,080 | 00:30:55,516 | Well, I expect it's that bloody candle turning my stomach over. | Well, I expect it's that bloody candle turning my stomach over. |
433 | 00:30:58,040 | 00:31:00,236 | Poor old codger. | Poor old codger. |
434 | 00:31:01,160 | 00:31:03,629 | —I suppose... —\/\/hat? | —I suppose... —\/\/hat? |
435 | 00:31:04,400 | 00:31:06,277 | Well, it just... | Well, it just... |
436 | 00:31:06,360 | 00:31:09,318 | You know, what he said about his wife. | You know, what he said about his wife. |
437 | 00:31:10,720 | 00:31:13,473 | Do you remember when my dad went into hospital? | Do you remember when my dad went into hospital? |
438 | 00:31:14,680 | 00:31:17,798 | They said that would just be for a few days. | They said that would just be for a few days. |
439 | 00:31:18,880 | 00:31:22,839 | And after a few days, they said it would be just a few more. | And after a few days, they said it would be just a few more. |
440 | 00:31:23,840 | 00:31:25,797 | And that's how it went on. | And that's how it went on. |
441 | 00:31:27,040 | 00:31:29,714 | And we always knew it would be all right. | And we always knew it would be all right. |
442 | 00:31:30,320 | 00:31:33,950 | Couple more days and he'd be back home with us all again. | Couple more days and he'd be back home with us all again. |
443 | 00:31:35,680 | 00:31:39,992 | I don't think there's any other way we'd have got through those last six months. | I don't think there's any other way we'd have got through those last six months. |
444 | 00:31:42,840 | 00:31:44,638 | It's like you said. | It's like you said. |
445 | 00:31:45,880 | 00:31:50,590 | If it's sunny in the morning you don't want to know it's going to rain in the afternoon. | If it's sunny in the morning you don't want to know it's going to rain in the afternoon. |
446 | 00:31:55,680 | 00:31:56,670 | (GROANING) | (GROANING) |
447 | 00:31:57,680 | 00:32:01,560 | Three hours it's been off for now. This is ridiculous! | Three hours it's been off for now. This is ridiculous! |
448 | 00:32:02,360 | 00:32:04,237 | Yes, well, | Yes, well, |
449 | 00:32:05,120 | 00:32:08,112 | I expect it'll come on again any minute. | I expect it'll come on again any minute. |
450 | 00:32:10,640 | 00:32:11,869 | I expect. | I expect. |
451 | 00:32:17,560 | 00:32:20,393 | # They say I might as well face the truth | # They say I might as well face the truth |
452 | 00:32:20,960 | 00:32:23,759 | # That I am just too long in the tooth? | # That I am just too long in the tooth? |
453 | 00:32:24,360 | 00:32:27,478 | # I've started to deteriorate | # I've started to deteriorate |
454 | 00:32:27,840 | 00:32:30,958 | # And now I've passed my own sell-by date | # And now I've passed my own sell-by date |
455 | 00:32:31,400 | 00:32:34,518 | # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true | # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true |
456 | 00:32:34,920 | 00:32:37,833 | # I have to pop my teeth in to chew | # I have to pop my teeth in to chew |
457 | 00:32:38,280 | 00:32:41,159 | # And my old knees have started to knock | # And my old knees have started to knock |
458 | 00:32:41,760 | 00:32:44,798 | # I've just got too many miles on the clock | # I've just got too many miles on the clock |
459 | 00:32:45,320 | 00:32:49,109 | # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways | # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways |
460 | 00:32:49,360 | 00:32:52,637 | # It's true that my body has seen better days | # It's true that my body has seen better days |
461 | 00:32:52,760 | 00:32:56,310 | # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave | # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave |
462 | 00:32:56,680 | 00:32:59,149 | # One foot in the grave | # One foot in the grave |
463 | 00:33:00,240 | 00:33:02,675 | # One foot in the grave | # One foot in the grave |
464 | 00:33:03,680 | 00:33:06,399 | # One foot in the grave # | # One foot in the grave # |