# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:02,560 00:00:05,712 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
2 00:00:06,160 00:00:09,118 # That I am just too long in the tooth # That I am just too long in the tooth
3 00:00:09,640 00:00:12,553 # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4 00:00:13,080 00:00:16,118 # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5 00:00:16,520 00:00:20,593 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6 00:00:20,680 00:00:24,036 # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Fading away but I've not yet expired
7 00:00:24,120 00:00:27,431 # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8 00:00:27,800 00:00:30,155 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #
9 00:00:58,920 00:01:00,957 Oh, is that right, Mr Blisset? Oh, is that right, Mr Blisset?
10 00:01:01,080 00:01:05,472 Well, funnily enough, the fact that you've got it firmly in hand Well, funnily enough, the fact that you've got it firmly in hand
11 00:01:05,600 00:01:07,079 does not surprise me at all. does not surprise me at all.
12 00:01:07,240 00:01:10,949 It's exactly what I would expect from a complete and utter wa... It's exactly what I would expect from a complete and utter wa...
13 00:01:13,240 00:01:14,230 What? What?
14 00:01:14,480 00:01:17,791 I ordered a crazy-paved path for the front garden. I ordered a crazy-paved path for the front garden.
15 00:01:17,880 00:01:20,235 Where does a pile of bricks come into it? Where does a pile of bricks come into it?
16 00:01:20,720 00:01:25,317 Oh yes, and I've stopped that cheque for the thing you laughingly call a barbeque out the back there, Oh yes, and I've stopped that cheque for the thing you laughingly call a barbeque out the back there,
17 00:01:25,400 00:01:28,313 which hasn't been in the right place since day one. which hasn't been in the right place since day one.
18 00:01:29,640 00:01:32,393 Yes, well you can threaten me all you like, Mr Blisset. Yes, well you can threaten me all you like, Mr Blisset.
19 00:01:32,480 00:01:35,074 You're not getting a penny of my money now or ever! You're not getting a penny of my money now or ever!
20 00:01:36,600 00:01:40,355 Oh, when will it ever end? Oh, when will it ever end?
21 00:01:40,600 00:01:42,750 When they carry me out of here in a box. When they carry me out of here in a box.
22 00:01:43,040 00:01:45,236 It's not my doing, all this. It's not my doing, all this.
23 00:01:45,520 00:01:48,353 -People just can't be bothered any more. -Yes. -People just can't be bothered any more. -Yes.
24 00:01:48,440 00:01:52,911 Like buying a new car with a pornographic number plate wasn't your doing. Like buying a new car with a pornographic number plate wasn't your doing.
25 00:01:54,040 00:01:57,112 Got stuck in a funeral procession this morning. Got stuck in a funeral procession this morning.
26 00:01:57,200 00:01:58,998 The mourners were upset enough The mourners were upset enough
27 00:01:59,080 00:02:03,711 without having to stare at that obscenity all the way to the crematorium. without having to stare at that obscenity all the way to the crematorium.
28 00:02:03,800 00:02:05,313 (GROANING) (GROANING)
29 00:02:05,400 00:02:10,395 Do we have to have this stuck up inside a food cupboard? Do we have to have this stuck up inside a food cupboard?
30 00:02:10,640 00:02:13,996 It's just while I'm doing my tests. You know what the doctor said. It's just while I'm doing my tests. You know what the doctor said.
31 00:02:14,080 00:02:17,152 To keep a watch for any marked change in frequency or consistency... To keep a watch for any marked change in frequency or consistency...
32 00:02:17,240 00:02:20,790 Yes, all right. I don't think we need to go into the details. Thank you. Yes, all right. I don't think we need to go into the details. Thank you.
33 00:02:20,880 00:02:23,349 Now, are you going to go out and cover those things up? Now, are you going to go out and cover those things up?
34 00:02:23,440 00:02:27,320 -There's some Elastoplast in the top cupboard. -Yes, in a second. -There's some Elastoplast in the top cupboard. -Yes, in a second.
35 00:02:27,400 00:02:28,390 MARGARET: Oh. MARGARET: Oh.
36 00:02:29,160 00:02:30,434 What's this? What's this?
37 00:02:30,520 00:02:34,753 -Oh, from Ronnie and Mildred. Read it and weep. -Why, what's it say? -Oh, from Ronnie and Mildred. Read it and weep. -Why, what's it say?
38 00:02:34,840 00:02:37,229 Do you remember that message he left us on April 1st Do you remember that message he left us on April 1st
39 00:02:37,320 00:02:41,359 saying did we fancy two tickets to the Bahamas that he'd won in the firm's raffle saying did we fancy two tickets to the Bahamas that he'd won in the firm's raffle
40 00:02:41,440 00:02:42,953 because Mildred wasn't well enough to go? because Mildred wasn't well enough to go?
41 00:02:43,040 00:02:47,159 Yes, which was obviously an April Fool's so we didn't bother to reply... Yes, which was obviously an April Fool's so we didn't bother to reply...
42 00:02:48,720 00:02:51,280 Oh, you're joking. Oh, you're joking.
43 00:02:51,360 00:02:53,271 Absolutely genuine. Absolutely genuine.
44 00:02:53,920 00:02:57,231 Gave it to the next door neighbours. They had the time of their lives. Gave it to the next door neighbours. They had the time of their lives.
45 00:02:57,760 00:03:00,912 It says in there that Mildred's still going through a dodgy patch It says in there that Mildred's still going through a dodgy patch
46 00:03:01,000 00:03:04,038 but they're both dying to meet up again and he's going to give us a ring but they're both dying to meet up again and he's going to give us a ring
47 00:03:04,120 00:03:05,872 to try and arrange something. to try and arrange something.
48 00:03:05,960 00:03:09,157 Oh, God! And the answering machine is not working. Oh, God! And the answering machine is not working.
49 00:03:09,240 00:03:11,311 We'll have to declare a full code red. We'll have to declare a full code red.
50 00:03:11,400 00:03:16,031 Let every call ring. Then dial 1471 and see if it's safe to phone back. Let every call ring. Then dial 1471 and see if it's safe to phone back.
51 00:03:18,920 00:03:22,117 I knew it was a bad sign this morning when I ran out of vests I knew it was a bad sign this morning when I ran out of vests
52 00:03:22,200 00:03:24,874 and had to put one of their novelty T-shirts on. and had to put one of their novelty T-shirts on.
53 00:03:25,160 00:03:27,959 Why do people always want to "meet up"? Why do people always want to "meet up"?
54 00:03:28,960 00:03:32,874 Bad enough we've got Mrs Warboys coming around tonight with Cousin Wilf Bad enough we've got Mrs Warboys coming around tonight with Cousin Wilf
55 00:03:32,960 00:03:37,716 with that weird voice synthesizer thing of his and his Palmtop. with that weird voice synthesizer thing of his and his Palmtop.
56 00:03:38,920 00:03:41,389 Like having tea with a Dalek. Like having tea with a Dalek.
57 00:03:41,880 00:03:46,795 Well, if the poor man can't speak since his stroke, what else is he supposed to do? Well, if the poor man can't speak since his stroke, what else is he supposed to do?
58 00:03:46,880 00:03:49,235 It's a marvellous invention, really. It's a marvellous invention, really.
59 00:03:49,320 00:03:52,199 Well, if he'd learn to type properly. Well, if he'd learn to type properly.
60 00:03:52,400 00:03:54,357 I haven't forgotten the last time they were here I haven't forgotten the last time they were here
61 00:03:54,440 00:03:58,035 when he asked me to put some hot mustard on his rhubarb. when he asked me to put some hot mustard on his rhubarb.
62 00:03:59,360 00:04:00,873 Neither does he. Neither does he.
63 00:04:31,240 00:04:32,913 NICK: Morning, Mr Meldrew. NICK: Morning, Mr Meldrew.
64 00:04:33,000 00:04:35,719 I see your butt's in a sorry state at the moment then. I see your butt's in a sorry state at the moment then.
65 00:04:36,440 00:04:37,669 What? What?
66 00:04:39,560 00:04:43,474 Oh, yeah. well, of course, we haven't really had the rain, so... Oh, yeah. well, of course, we haven't really had the rain, so...
67 00:04:43,560 00:04:46,757 -If you stand back, I'll give you a top-up. -Sorry? -If you stand back, I'll give you a top-up. -Sorry?
68 00:04:55,880 00:04:59,669 Yes, yes, thank you very much. That'll do for now. Yes, yes, thank you very much. That'll do for now.
69 00:05:04,480 00:05:07,950 Oh, yes. Gardens have been getting a bit dry all over lately. Oh, yes. Gardens have been getting a bit dry all over lately.
70 00:05:08,360 00:05:10,920 Weathermen say there's more to come. Weathermen say there's more to come.
71 00:05:11,320 00:05:14,233 -Where did that come from? -Sorry? -Where did that come from? -Sorry?
72 00:05:14,320 00:05:18,951 Oh, yes. I've just been giving it a quick rinse through ready for its next outing. Oh, yes. I've just been giving it a quick rinse through ready for its next outing.
73 00:05:19,040 00:05:21,031 Very realistic, they make them nowadays. Very realistic, they make them nowadays.
74 00:05:21,120 00:05:26,115 When I first started in amateur dramatics you had to make do with a face painted on a balloon. When I first started in amateur dramatics you had to make do with a face painted on a balloon.
75 00:05:26,200 00:05:28,237 Right. So you're doing some kind of play. Right. So you're doing some kind of play.
76 00:05:28,320 00:05:32,200 Oh, yes, I've just completed a very successful tour of nursing homes Oh, yes, I've just completed a very successful tour of nursing homes
77 00:05:32,280 00:05:34,191 with Murders in the Rue Morgue. with Murders in the Rue Morgue.
78 00:05:34,280 00:05:36,476 Seemed to go down quite well with the over-80s. Seemed to go down quite well with the over-80s.
79 00:05:36,560 00:05:40,155 Yes, we found from experience that anything without a decapitation in it, Yes, we found from experience that anything without a decapitation in it,
80 00:05:40,240 00:05:41,913 they tend to start nodding off. they tend to start nodding off.
81 00:05:42,000 00:05:44,276 So, and of course, for this one, So, and of course, for this one,
82 00:05:44,360 00:05:47,478 Mr Snoxle gave us his rather splendid orangutan. Mr Snoxle gave us his rather splendid orangutan.
83 00:05:47,560 00:05:50,154 So, it was quite a hit, all in all. So, it was quite a hit, all in all.
84 00:05:50,280 00:05:52,078 Oh, really? Mr Snoxle? Oh, really? Mr Snoxle?
85 00:05:52,800 00:05:55,519 - I didn't know he had one. -What's that? - I didn't know he had one. -What's that?
86 00:05:56,600 00:05:58,432 -An orangutan. -Sorry? -An orangutan. -Sorry?
87 00:05:58,520 00:06:02,479 Oh, no, no, no, no. That's just an expression we use in theatrical circles. Oh, no, no, no, no. That's just an expression we use in theatrical circles.
88 00:06:02,560 00:06:05,473 I mean, he gave us his portrayal of an orangutan. I mean, he gave us his portrayal of an orangutan.
89 00:06:05,560 00:06:08,996 I could be naughty and say he's got a bit of a head start. I could be naughty and say he's got a bit of a head start.
90 00:06:09,840 00:06:13,276 Anyway, for our next production in our season Tales of Terror, Anyway, for our next production in our season Tales of Terror,
91 00:06:13,360 00:06:17,399 we're doing Nosferatu the Vampire, which should be quite a good one. we're doing Nosferatu the Vampire, which should be quite a good one.
92 00:06:17,480 00:06:20,199 We've got little Mrs Impey from number 10 We've got little Mrs Impey from number 10
93 00:06:20,320 00:06:23,472 playing the headless corpse of Lucy Westenras playing the headless corpse of Lucy Westenras
94 00:06:23,880 00:06:25,393 and, fingers crossed, for the title role, and, fingers crossed, for the title role,
95 00:06:25,480 00:06:27,790 we're hoping to get Mr Dimkins from the chip shop. we're hoping to get Mr Dimkins from the chip shop.
96 00:06:27,920 00:06:29,115 (WOMAN HOOTING) (WOMAN HOOTING)
97 00:06:29,200 00:06:33,637 Oh, hello, Mrs Impey. Just a tick and I'll unlock the gate for you. Oh, hello, Mrs Impey. Just a tick and I'll unlock the gate for you.
98 00:06:34,160 00:06:36,231 I was telling Mr Meldrew I've just put your head I was telling Mr Meldrew I've just put your head
99 00:06:36,320 00:06:39,278 through some Stergene so it's all nice and fresh for you. through some Stergene so it's all nice and fresh for you.
100 00:06:39,920 00:06:43,231 Well, I wish you luck with it all, anyway. Well, I wish you luck with it all, anyway.
101 00:06:43,320 00:06:44,674 Yeah, bye-bye to you. Yeah, bye-bye to you.
102 00:06:44,760 00:06:48,435 And don't forget, if you ever need my hosepipe, you know where it is. And don't forget, if you ever need my hosepipe, you know where it is.
103 00:06:52,920 00:06:57,630 And I mean, you'd never guess the man was 85. Would you, Wilf? And I mean, you'd never guess the man was 85. Would you, Wilf?
104 00:06:58,400 00:07:02,633 Whizzing about around that great big house in his wheelchair. Whizzing about around that great big house in his wheelchair.
105 00:07:02,720 00:07:05,838 His wife was talking about getting some speed ramps His wife was talking about getting some speed ramps
106 00:07:05,920 00:07:08,560 put in along the upstairs landing. put in along the upstairs landing.
107 00:07:08,640 00:07:11,109 If she can get a grant from the council. If she can get a grant from the council.
108 00:07:11,200 00:07:16,195 SYNTHESIZER: It was so nice to see my brothel again after all these years. SYNTHESIZER: It was so nice to see my brothel again after all these years.
109 00:07:17,600 00:07:20,797 Yes. Yes, it must have been. Yes. Yes, it must have been.
110 00:07:22,360 00:07:26,433 And this was up in Pontefract did you say? And this was up in Pontefract did you say?
111 00:07:27,120 00:07:31,079 Which is an awfully long time in a car these days for Wilf. Which is an awfully long time in a car these days for Wilf.
112 00:07:31,160 00:07:33,390 Especially in the hot weather. Especially in the hot weather.
113 00:07:33,920 00:07:36,639 SYNTHESIZER: I was violently sick 17 times. SYNTHESIZER: I was violently sick 17 times.
114 00:07:37,720 00:07:40,712 -Oh, dear. -Now, while I think of it... -Oh, dear. -Now, while I think of it...
115 00:07:43,040 00:07:44,269 Check. Check.
116 00:07:48,360 00:07:51,478 Here's a little something for you, Mr Meldrew, Here's a little something for you, Mr Meldrew,
117 00:07:51,560 00:07:53,836 from the local deli up there. from the local deli up there.
118 00:08:01,200 00:08:03,271 Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys. Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys.
119 00:08:03,400 00:08:07,030 And I remembered you saying you were in need of a new jigsaw, And I remembered you saying you were in need of a new jigsaw,
120 00:08:07,320 00:08:09,630 for something to do in the evenings. for something to do in the evenings.
121 00:08:09,720 00:08:10,915 So... So...
122 00:08:17,960 00:08:20,634 Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys. Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys.
123 00:08:20,720 00:08:24,270 That's Sheffield Steel. It'll last you a lifetime. That's Sheffield Steel. It'll last you a lifetime.
124 00:08:24,960 00:08:28,351 SYNTHESIZER: I am just going to go to the lavoraty. SYNTHESIZER: I am just going to go to the lavoraty.
125 00:08:30,000 00:08:32,116 You know where it is, Wilf. You know where it is, Wilf.
126 00:08:35,320 00:08:38,278 Bless him. He's coping so well. Bless him. He's coping so well.
127 00:08:39,000 00:08:42,231 And you know it's his 75th birthday coming up this Friday. And you know it's his 75th birthday coming up this Friday.
128 00:08:42,600 00:08:46,559 I was thinking of taking him to the Old Moat House, just up the road from here I was thinking of taking him to the Old Moat House, just up the road from here
129 00:08:46,640 00:08:49,553 for a big slap-up lunch to celebrate. for a big slap-up lunch to celebrate.
130 00:08:49,680 00:08:53,958 I know he'd absolutely love it if you and Victor could join us. I know he'd absolutely love it if you and Victor could join us.
131 00:08:58,360 00:09:01,000 So, what do you say? So, what do you say?
132 00:09:01,840 00:09:05,196 Well, actually, we'd love to come. Well, actually, we'd love to come.
133 00:09:05,280 00:09:09,672 But unfortunately, we've got to go to a funeral on Friday. But unfortunately, we've got to go to a funeral on Friday.
134 00:09:10,560 00:09:13,154 An old friend of the family. An old friend of the family.
135 00:09:13,480 00:09:17,075 And I'm afraid we'll be in London all day. And I'm afraid we'll be in London all day.
136 00:09:17,640 00:09:21,713 -Oh, dear. What a shame. -Isn't it always the way? -Oh, dear. What a shame. -Isn't it always the way?
137 00:09:21,960 00:09:23,473 Yes, well. Yes, well.
138 00:09:24,600 00:09:27,160 SYNTHESIZER: Could someone get me a bra of soup? SYNTHESIZER: Could someone get me a bra of soup?
139 00:09:28,760 00:09:31,400 Victor, you dare! Victor, you dare!
140 00:09:34,240 00:09:36,959 What do you want to go and tell them a lie like that for? What do you want to go and tell them a lie like that for?
141 00:09:38,120 00:09:40,236 Say we're going to a funeral of all things. Say we're going to a funeral of all things.
142 00:09:40,680 00:09:44,799 What else was I supposed to say? No, thanks, we'd both be bored witless? What else was I supposed to say? No, thanks, we'd both be bored witless?
143 00:09:46,360 00:09:49,113 And you'll be glad of it when next Friday comes around. And you'll be glad of it when next Friday comes around.
144 00:09:49,640 00:09:50,869 Hmm, I suppose. Hmm, I suppose.
145 00:09:55,480 00:09:57,232 It's like you say. It's like you say.
146 00:09:57,320 00:10:00,392 Why do people always want to meet up? Why do people always want to meet up?
147 00:10:19,360 00:10:20,430 Hal Hal
148 00:10:20,520 00:10:25,356 They've finally taken away that pile of bricks, I see. Will wonders never cease? They've finally taken away that pile of bricks, I see. Will wonders never cease?
149 00:10:26,080 00:10:28,071 You say I shouldn't keep on at them, You say I shouldn't keep on at them,
150 00:10:28,160 00:10:30,879 but it's the only language they understand, I'm afraid. but it's the only language they understand, I'm afraid.
151 00:10:36,200 00:10:38,840 What in the name of...! What in the name of...!
152 00:10:41,400 00:10:43,550 When did they do...? When did they do...?
153 00:10:44,080 00:10:45,798 Can you believe this? Can you believe this?
154 00:10:47,240 00:10:49,629 What is it now, for goodness...? What is it now, for goodness...?
155 00:10:52,960 00:10:54,109 Is that a real wall? Is that a real wall?
156 00:10:54,480 00:10:56,869 Oh, they can't have done... Oh, they can't have done...
157 00:10:57,320 00:11:00,073 You see now the kind of psychopaths we're dealing with? You see now the kind of psychopaths we're dealing with?
158 00:11:01,240 00:11:04,756 Break into your house in the middle of the night and do a thing like this! Break into your house in the middle of the night and do a thing like this!
159 00:11:04,840 00:11:07,275 What were they using? Muffled hods? What were they using? Muffled hods?
160 00:11:08,360 00:11:11,716 Well, we'll have to call somebody. The fire brigade or another builder. Well, we'll have to call somebody. The fire brigade or another builder.
161 00:11:12,040 00:11:14,714 Chances are, they'll have it down in a couple of hours. Chances are, they'll have it down in a couple of hours.
162 00:11:14,920 00:11:16,274 Couple of hours? Couple of hours?
163 00:11:16,360 00:11:18,954 My bladder won't last five minutes. My bladder won't last five minutes.
164 00:11:19,480 00:11:21,039 Who are you ringing? Who are you ringing?
165 00:11:21,120 00:11:24,511 Now, there's a big rubber nozzle on the end, Mr Meldrew, Now, there's a big rubber nozzle on the end, Mr Meldrew,
166 00:11:24,600 00:11:26,830 where you'd normally fit it onto a tap. where you'd normally fit it onto a tap.
167 00:11:26,920 00:11:28,115 VICTOR: Yes, right. VICTOR: Yes, right.
168 00:11:35,400 00:11:36,515 (VICTOR EXCLAIMING) (VICTOR EXCLAIMING)
169 00:11:37,240 00:11:40,232 Just hurry up, please, and let me know when you're ready. Just hurry up, please, and let me know when you're ready.
170 00:11:40,320 00:11:41,435 Right, yes, sorry. Right, yes, sorry.
171 00:11:49,040 00:11:51,509 In your own time then, Mr Meldrew. In your own time then, Mr Meldrew.
172 00:11:55,800 00:11:58,599 God spare us all. God spare us all.
173 00:12:21,360 00:12:26,309 Sorry, Mr Dimkins, when you say a problem empathising with the character, Sorry, Mr Dimkins, when you say a problem empathising with the character,
174 00:12:26,600 00:12:29,114 which particular...? The blood-sucking. which particular...? The blood-sucking.
175 00:12:30,200 00:12:32,191 And turning into a wolf. And turning into a wolf.
176 00:12:32,280 00:12:37,036 No, no, no, no, I hear what you're saying, and thank you for letting me know anyway. No, no, no, no, I hear what you're saying, and thank you for letting me know anyway.
177 00:12:37,760 00:12:39,194 Erm... Bye-bye to you. Erm... Bye-bye to you.
178 00:12:44,440 00:12:46,431 Can I offer you a bite at all? Can I offer you a bite at all?
179 00:12:47,000 00:12:48,513 Sorry? Sorry?
180 00:12:48,920 00:12:53,312 Oh, no. It's more than I dare to. Now, I have managed to get it all off. Oh, no. It's more than I dare to. Now, I have managed to get it all off.
181 00:12:54,200 00:12:58,717 Now, that's a bit of bad news. Mr Dimkins from the chip shop has just turned us down. Now, that's a bit of bad news. Mr Dimkins from the chip shop has just turned us down.
182 00:12:59,400 00:13:01,516 The vampire part? The vampire part?
183 00:13:01,880 00:13:04,190 So, what do you think you'll do now, then? So, what do you think you'll do now, then?
184 00:13:07,920 00:13:10,309 I don't suppose there's any way I don't suppose there's any way
185 00:13:11,040 00:13:13,190 it would interest you at all? it would interest you at all?
186 00:13:30,960 00:13:34,032 WOMAN: Oh, my God! No, no! No! WOMAN: Oh, my God! No, no! No!
187 00:13:34,320 00:13:35,833 (WOMAN SCREAMING) (WOMAN SCREAMING)
188 00:13:38,320 00:13:41,551 No, thanks ever so much. It was really useful actually. No, thanks ever so much. It was really useful actually.
189 00:13:41,640 00:13:44,519 It's given me some great insights, I think, on where to go with it all. It's given me some great insights, I think, on where to go with it all.
190 00:13:44,600 00:13:48,116 Pleasure. Well, I'll see you at rehearsals then, Lindsey, on Friday. Pleasure. Well, I'll see you at rehearsals then, Lindsey, on Friday.
191 00:13:48,200 00:13:50,237 Okay, yep. Bye. Okay, yep. Bye.
192 00:14:00,800 00:14:04,350 You know, it's a shame about Christopher Lee. You know, it's a shame about Christopher Lee.
193 00:14:04,440 00:14:07,876 He never quite managed to pull it off somehow, did he? He never quite managed to pull it off somehow, did he?
194 00:14:08,200 00:14:11,670 Never really got under the skin of the character. Never really got under the skin of the character.
195 00:14:12,640 00:14:14,597 As far as I could see. As far as I could see.
196 00:14:14,680 00:14:17,957 Yes, well. When you've finished drinking the blood of virgins, Yes, well. When you've finished drinking the blood of virgins,
197 00:14:18,040 00:14:20,919 you may like to know that our number plates have gone. you may like to know that our number plates have gone.
198 00:14:21,440 00:14:23,716 Number plates? How do you mean gone? Number plates? How do you mean gone?
199 00:14:23,920 00:14:25,638 Gone, stolen. Gone, stolen.
200 00:14:25,840 00:14:29,470 Probably by somebody around here who was sick to death of the sight of them. Probably by somebody around here who was sick to death of the sight of them.
201 00:14:29,560 00:14:30,755 (PHONE RINGING) (PHONE RINGING)
202 00:14:30,840 00:14:33,116 Don't answer that! Don't answer that!
203 00:14:34,400 00:14:37,631 That'll be Ronnie and Mildred's noon offensive. That'll be Ronnie and Mildred's noon offensive.
204 00:14:37,800 00:14:40,440 You pick that up and we'll be stuck with them forever more. You pick that up and we'll be stuck with them forever more.
205 00:14:40,520 00:14:43,160 Sorry, I forgot. Is that the second post? Sorry, I forgot. Is that the second post?
206 00:14:43,240 00:14:45,993 -Yep. -No news, I suppose, about my test result. -Yep. -No news, I suppose, about my test result.
207 00:14:46,080 00:14:47,150 What test? What test?
208 00:14:47,240 00:14:50,358 Well, I'm not talking about my eleven-plus, am I? Well, I'm not talking about my eleven-plus, am I?
209 00:14:50,440 00:14:51,589 My test. My test.
210 00:14:51,680 00:14:55,435 Will you stop going on about that thing? You're worse than a child. Will you stop going on about that thing? You're worse than a child.
211 00:14:55,920 00:14:59,470 If you want to do something useful, go and look up the number of that car place If you want to do something useful, go and look up the number of that car place
212 00:14:59,560 00:15:01,995 and see about getting us some new plates. and see about getting us some new plates.
213 00:15:10,720 00:15:11,994 Right. Right.
214 00:15:12,560 00:15:14,676 That's me off to rehearsals, then. That's me off to rehearsals, then.
215 00:15:15,160 00:15:16,833 I may be a while. I may be a while.
216 00:15:17,280 00:15:20,477 Oh, and I think we've missed the electricity man again. Oh, and I think we've missed the electricity man again.
217 00:15:20,560 00:15:23,279 I've left his card on the table if you want to do a reading. I've left his card on the table if you want to do a reading.
218 00:15:31,080 00:15:35,153 Just take some deep breaths, Wilf. You'll be fine. Just take some deep breaths, Wilf. You'll be fine.
219 00:15:35,520 00:15:39,753 I suppose, on reflection, that Knickerbocker Glory was a bit heavy. I suppose, on reflection, that Knickerbocker Glory was a bit heavy.
220 00:15:39,840 00:15:42,434 You know what you're like in cars these days. You know what you're like in cars these days.
221 00:15:43,480 00:15:47,030 It's a godsend I've still got their spare key from the other week. It's a godsend I've still got their spare key from the other week.
222 00:15:47,320 00:15:50,836 We'll just pop you inside and you can have a little lie down We'll just pop you inside and you can have a little lie down
223 00:15:50,920 00:15:53,355 till your tummy's settled. till your tummy's settled.
224 00:15:53,480 00:15:55,039 As I say, As I say,
225 00:15:56,240 00:15:59,153 they were desperate to come out with us themselves. they were desperate to come out with us themselves.
226 00:15:59,320 00:16:00,913 But there we are. But there we are.
227 00:16:01,000 00:16:04,755 I don't suppose it's been much fun for the two of them all day, I don't suppose it's been much fun for the two of them all day,
228 00:16:04,840 00:16:07,480 having to go to London for a funeral. having to go to London for a funeral.
229 00:16:44,680 00:16:45,795 (KEYS JINGLING) (KEYS JINGLING)
230 00:16:45,880 00:16:49,919 JEAN: Just one more second, Wilf. Try to hold out. JEAN: Just one more second, Wilf. Try to hold out.
231 00:16:56,960 00:17:00,032 I'll just pop upstairs and get you a wet flannel. I'll just pop upstairs and get you a wet flannel.
232 00:17:00,120 00:17:01,269 (WILF RETCHING) (WILF RETCHING)
233 00:17:03,440 00:17:06,637 Okay, then, everyone. Erm, we're just gonna have a look at a few problem areas Okay, then, everyone. Erm, we're just gonna have a look at a few problem areas
234 00:17:06,720 00:17:09,917 in Act III this afternoon. I think we're all present and correct. in Act III this afternoon. I think we're all present and correct.
235 00:17:10,000 00:17:12,196 Er, Mrs Impey will be with us shortly. Er, Mrs Impey will be with us shortly.
236 00:17:12,280 00:17:15,113 She's just upstairs with Derek having her costume tweaked. She's just upstairs with Derek having her costume tweaked.
237 00:17:15,200 00:17:18,318 And, oh, yes. One bit of good news first of all, Mr Meldrew. And, oh, yes. One bit of good news first of all, Mr Meldrew.
238 00:17:18,480 00:17:22,110 Remember I said Lindsey had gone down with a nasty tummy bug Remember I said Lindsey had gone down with a nasty tummy bug
239 00:17:22,200 00:17:25,192 and might not be well enough for your big seduction scene together? and might not be well enough for your big seduction scene together?
240 00:17:25,280 00:17:27,112 Well, she's got worse, I'm afraid. Well, she's got worse, I'm afraid.
241 00:17:27,200 00:17:29,476 But, at the last minute, her auntie Maureen But, at the last minute, her auntie Maureen
242 00:17:29,560 00:17:32,712 has very generously agreed to step into her shoes. has very generously agreed to step into her shoes.
243 00:17:33,600 00:17:36,752 So, luckily, we've fallen on our feet there. So, luckily, we've fallen on our feet there.
244 00:17:36,840 00:17:42,279 Now, why don't you come and park yourself here next to Mr Snoxle and we'll begin. Now, why don't you come and park yourself here next to Mr Snoxle and we'll begin.
245 00:17:54,000 00:17:55,718 How are you feeling now? How are you feeling now?
246 00:17:57,720 00:18:00,439 I think I would like a glare of water. I think I would like a glare of water.
247 00:18:00,800 00:18:03,394 Yes, of course. You wait right there. Yes, of course. You wait right there.
248 00:18:06,080 00:18:08,640 I think I am going to be sick again. I think I am going to be sick again.
249 00:18:16,480 00:18:19,199 So, that's been a very productive session then, everyone. So, that's been a very productive session then, everyone.
250 00:18:19,280 00:18:22,033 Now, there's more tea coming if anyone wants it. Now, there's more tea coming if anyone wants it.
251 00:18:22,120 00:18:24,634 And an orange juice for you, Mrs Impey, wasn't it? And an orange juice for you, Mrs Impey, wasn't it?
252 00:18:25,640 00:18:27,711 Oh, yes. Mr Meldrew, I nearly forgot. Oh, yes. Mr Meldrew, I nearly forgot.
253 00:18:27,840 00:18:31,310 This came through my door for you this morning, in error. This came through my door for you this morning, in error.
254 00:18:31,400 00:18:33,357 -Chartres Hospital. -Mmm. Yeah. -Chartres Hospital. -Mmm. Yeah.
255 00:18:33,480 00:18:37,314 Didn't you say you were expecting some test results from there or something? Didn't you say you were expecting some test results from there or something?
256 00:18:37,400 00:18:39,960 -WOMAN: Mr Swainey. -Yes, coming right up. -WOMAN: Mr Swainey. -Yes, coming right up.
257 00:18:51,520 00:18:52,999 So, what do you think? So, what do you think?
258 00:18:53,080 00:18:55,913 You've got a bit more colour in your cheeks now. You've got a bit more colour in your cheeks now.
259 00:18:56,160 00:18:58,436 Do you want to rest a bit longer or...? Do you want to rest a bit longer or...?
260 00:19:29,120 00:19:30,474 Oh... Oh...
261 00:19:40,840 00:19:43,719 SYNTHESIZER: I think I would like a glare of water. SYNTHESIZER: I think I would like a glare of water.
262 00:19:48,320 00:19:50,834 I think I am going to be sick again. I think I am going to be sick again.
263 00:20:01,760 00:20:03,194 (TOILET FLUSHING) (TOILET FLUSHING)
264 00:20:44,760 00:20:46,433 MARGARET: Ow! MARGARET: Ow!
265 00:20:51,760 00:20:54,832 What the hell are you doing in there? What the hell are you doing in there?
266 00:20:55,800 00:20:57,632 What am I doing...? What am I doing...?
267 00:20:57,880 00:20:59,393 I'll be... I'll be...
268 00:21:00,200 00:21:01,679 How long have you been back? How long have you been back?
269 00:21:01,760 00:21:04,229 -Since about 5:00. Why? Five... -Since about 5:00. Why? Five...
270 00:21:04,880 00:21:06,632 (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING)
271 00:21:07,400 00:21:09,596 Jean was here. Jean was here.
272 00:21:10,280 00:21:13,193 Cousin Wilf was being sick in the car again Cousin Wilf was being sick in the car again
273 00:21:13,360 00:21:17,672 and they came in here to... Oh! For the love of monk! and they came in here to... Oh! For the love of monk!
274 00:21:18,360 00:21:22,354 Four hours nearly, I've been in there doubled up like a penknife. Four hours nearly, I've been in there doubled up like a penknife.
275 00:21:22,720 00:21:25,394 Didn't you even wonder where I was? Didn't you even wonder where I was?
276 00:21:25,840 00:21:28,753 -I had other things on my mind. -Oh, what? -I had other things on my mind. -Oh, what?
277 00:21:29,400 00:21:32,870 Prising your face out of Lindsey Gibbon's neck all afternoon? Prising your face out of Lindsey Gibbon's neck all afternoon?
278 00:21:33,240 00:21:35,800 -My test result is positive. -What? -My test result is positive. -What?
279 00:21:38,200 00:21:39,349 What? What?
280 00:21:40,080 00:21:42,799 You mean, they found there was blood in the... You mean, they found there was blood in the...
281 00:21:43,080 00:21:46,914 Said I have to make an appointment with a specialist at my earliest convenience Said I have to make an appointment with a specialist at my earliest convenience
282 00:21:47,000 00:21:48,877 for further investigations. for further investigations.
283 00:21:51,080 00:21:52,832 Perhaps I'll make a cup of tea. Perhaps I'll make a cup of tea.
284 00:21:58,040 00:21:59,439 (DOOR OPENING) (DOOR OPENING)
285 00:21:59,920 00:22:03,390 MARGARET: I despair. I do, straight. MARGARET: I despair. I do, straight.
286 00:22:04,040 00:22:08,511 Last week, two big black bags I gave you. Last week, two big black bags I gave you.
287 00:22:09,000 00:22:11,799 One, full of clothes to take to the dry cleaners. One, full of clothes to take to the dry cleaners.
288 00:22:12,120 00:22:16,079 The other, with the carpet cuttings to go up the tip. The other, with the carpet cuttings to go up the tip.
289 00:22:19,560 00:22:21,995 I mean, no one would believe it, would they? I mean, no one would believe it, would they?
290 00:22:30,240 00:22:33,995 So, that's three of my best skirts, is it, So, that's three of my best skirts, is it,
291 00:22:34,080 00:22:36,356 have now gone into the crusher. have now gone into the crusher.
292 00:22:36,880 00:22:40,999 I wonder you've got the brains you were born with sometimes... I wonder you've got the brains you were born with sometimes...
293 00:22:44,880 00:22:47,474 What time is your hospital appointment? 12:30? What time is your hospital appointment? 12:30?
294 00:22:47,640 00:22:49,711 You sure you don't want me to come with you? You sure you don't want me to come with you?
295 00:22:49,800 00:22:53,156 I don't have to do this wretched number plate thing today. I don't have to do this wretched number plate thing today.
296 00:22:53,240 00:22:54,992 No, you go and get that sorted out. No, you go and get that sorted out.
297 00:22:55,080 00:22:58,471 Perhaps, I'll find you on the way back. It's only two bus stops. Perhaps, I'll find you on the way back. It's only two bus stops.
298 00:22:58,560 00:23:02,519 It's probably just a small ulcer or something in there that's been bleeding. It's probably just a small ulcer or something in there that's been bleeding.
299 00:23:02,600 00:23:04,398 I'll see you later. I'll see you later.
300 00:23:04,480 00:23:06,198 And stop worrying. And stop worrying.
301 00:23:17,080 00:23:18,559 JEAN: Anyone in? JEAN: Anyone in?
302 00:23:20,720 00:23:22,916 I'm sorry I'm a bit later than I said. I'm sorry I'm a bit later than I said.
303 00:23:23,200 00:23:27,319 My car started making a noise like an elephant whenever I go into third gear. My car started making a noise like an elephant whenever I go into third gear.
304 00:23:28,920 00:23:31,594 -For some reason. -Right, I'll get that thing for you. -For some reason. -Right, I'll get that thing for you.
305 00:23:33,000 00:23:36,880 Shame that. I've got rather a lot to get today. Shame that. I've got rather a lot to get today.
306 00:23:37,720 00:23:38,869 Thanks. Thanks.
307 00:23:38,960 00:23:42,590 Of course, I still haven't been in your new car yet, have I? Of course, I still haven't been in your new car yet, have I?
308 00:23:43,160 00:23:46,278 Didn't you say you had to go into town at some point today? Didn't you say you had to go into town at some point today?
309 00:23:46,840 00:23:48,672 Or did I imagine it? Or did I imagine it?
310 00:23:50,040 00:23:52,395 So, Mr Meldrew. So, Mr Meldrew.
311 00:23:53,760 00:23:55,956 Haemocult tests were positive. Haemocult tests were positive.
312 00:23:57,360 00:24:02,355 But no clinical symptoms other than a generally irritable bowel. But no clinical symptoms other than a generally irritable bowel.
313 00:24:03,880 00:24:05,996 And there's no reason you can think of And there's no reason you can think of
314 00:24:06,080 00:24:09,710 why blood should have found its way into your digestive system? why blood should have found its way into your digestive system?
315 00:24:18,160 00:24:20,800 Unless it's to do with being a vampire. Unless it's to do with being a vampire.
316 00:24:29,160 00:24:32,039 I'm rehearsing for this play. I'm rehearsing for this play.
317 00:24:34,360 00:24:36,829 I'm afraid there's no easy way of finding out I'm afraid there's no easy way of finding out
318 00:24:36,920 00:24:40,311 what's lurking inside a person's large intestine, Mr Meldrew. what's lurking inside a person's large intestine, Mr Meldrew.
319 00:24:41,120 00:24:45,353 So, are you familiar with a procedure called a colonoscopy? So, are you familiar with a procedure called a colonoscopy?
320 00:25:27,960 00:25:28,995 Victor. Victor.
321 00:25:32,720 00:25:35,314 What did he say? Was everything all right? What did he say? Was everything all right?
322 00:25:35,800 00:25:37,871 They gave me a sedative. They gave me a sedative.
323 00:25:38,720 00:25:45,069 Well, they put this thing like a long tube with a sparkler on the end right up inside... Well, they put this thing like a long tube with a sparkler on the end right up inside...
324 00:25:45,160 00:25:46,150 Er... Er...
325 00:25:48,000 00:25:52,437 -What did they find? -Mrs Warboys' black pudding. -What did they find? -Mrs Warboys' black pudding.
326 00:25:53,160 00:25:54,275 What? What?
327 00:25:54,360 00:25:57,796 Said he couldn't find anything at all wrong there inside me. Said he couldn't find anything at all wrong there inside me.
328 00:25:58,080 00:26:00,151 Then, as I was getting dressed Then, as I was getting dressed
329 00:26:00,920 00:26:05,756 I suddenly remembered. I'd had that ruddy black pudding. I suddenly remembered. I'd had that ruddy black pudding.
330 00:26:07,120 00:26:10,317 Full of pig's blood and God-knows-what. Full of pig's blood and God-knows-what.
331 00:26:12,560 00:26:15,552 I need to lie down before I fall down. Where's the car? I need to lie down before I fall down. Where's the car?
332 00:26:47,480 00:26:51,838 Oh, where is he? I thought you said he'd come out to the car for a lie down. Oh, where is he? I thought you said he'd come out to the car for a lie down.
333 00:26:51,960 00:26:54,076 Well, he did. I mean... Well, he did. I mean...
334 00:26:56,960 00:27:00,999 He wouldn't have got into the wrong one or anything, surely. He wouldn't have got into the wrong one or anything, surely.
335 00:27:34,320 00:27:36,197 (THUNDER RUMBLING) (THUNDER RUMBLING)
336 00:27:40,160 00:27:43,551 Go and sit down. You must be ready for a cup of tea. Go and sit down. You must be ready for a cup of tea.
337 00:27:43,640 00:27:45,631 Sit down, that's a joke. Sit down, that's a joke.
338 00:27:46,680 00:27:50,958 Bad enough feeling like I've had an anaconda up my anus, Bad enough feeling like I've had an anaconda up my anus,
339 00:27:51,040 00:27:54,351 thanks to Mrs Warboys. thanks to Mrs Warboys.
340 00:27:54,440 00:27:59,150 Then to waking up in the back of that bloody thing halfway to Burton-on-Trent. Then to waking up in the back of that bloody thing halfway to Burton-on-Trent.
341 00:28:00,080 00:28:02,799 Never thought I was going to get off alive. Never thought I was going to get off alive.
342 00:28:03,320 00:28:05,880 Well, it's lucky you had the money for the train fare. Well, it's lucky you had the money for the train fare.
343 00:28:06,120 00:28:07,269 Or you might still... Or you might still...
344 00:28:07,360 00:28:08,759 (PHONE RINGING) (PHONE RINGING)
345 00:28:09,800 00:28:11,199 4291. 4291.
346 00:28:12,880 00:28:14,075 Ronnie. Ronnie.
347 00:28:16,160 00:28:20,199 I'm sorry we haven't been in touch, but things have been a bit hectic here. I'm sorry we haven't been in touch, but things have been a bit hectic here.
348 00:28:20,640 00:28:21,789 Hectic? Hectic?
349 00:28:22,040 00:28:25,271 I've had a right basin-full of it lately, I have straight. I've had a right basin-full of it lately, I have straight.
350 00:28:26,520 00:28:29,751 Pipes up your front end, pipes up your back. Pipes up your front end, pipes up your back.
351 00:28:30,200 00:28:33,397 Whoever tried to force a camel through the eye of a needle... Whoever tried to force a camel through the eye of a needle...
352 00:28:34,840 00:28:37,229 Yes, yes. We'll be round, right away. Yes, yes. We'll be round, right away.
353 00:28:37,400 00:28:41,189 Round where right away? What the hell did you tell him that for? Round where right away? What the hell did you tell him that for?
354 00:28:41,600 00:28:43,716 -Mildred's dead. -What do you mean? -Mildred's dead. -What do you mean?
355 00:28:44,680 00:28:46,193 What do I mean? What do I mean?
356 00:28:46,880 00:28:50,396 Dead. Stopped breathing. A few minutes ago. Dead. Stopped breathing. A few minutes ago.
357 00:28:50,720 00:28:53,599 They were playing cards. She went upstairs... They were playing cards. She went upstairs...
358 00:28:53,960 00:28:57,476 Poor man's in a terrible state. He didn't know who else to turn to. Poor man's in a terrible state. He didn't know who else to turn to.
359 00:28:57,560 00:28:59,153 Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
360 00:29:00,600 00:29:02,034 I'll get my coat. I'll get my coat.
361 00:29:02,120 00:29:03,838 (THUNDER RUMBLING) (THUNDER RUMBLING)
362 00:29:07,600 00:29:09,273 (DOOR BELL RINGING) (DOOR BELL RINGING)
363 00:29:16,680 00:29:17,909 Ronnie. Ronnie.
364 00:29:18,840 00:29:23,755 I don't know what on earth to say. Have you rung for an ambulance? I don't know what on earth to say. Have you rung for an ambulance?
365 00:29:24,080 00:29:29,075 I mean, what happened? You say there was no sign, no warning of any kind. I mean, what happened? You say there was no sign, no warning of any kind.
366 00:29:29,160 00:29:32,835 She only needed, Mrs Stitch, the Tailor's wife, to win. She only needed, Mrs Stitch, the Tailor's wife, to win.
367 00:29:35,240 00:29:38,949 Said she'd just got to pop upstairs for a moment to... Said she'd just got to pop upstairs for a moment to...
368 00:29:40,000 00:29:41,593 And then, of course, And then, of course,
369 00:29:41,680 00:29:43,512 when she didn't come down again... when she didn't come down again...
370 00:29:45,680 00:29:46,954 So, er... So, er...
371 00:29:48,080 00:29:49,514 Where is she now? Where is she now?
372 00:29:50,680 00:29:52,398 She still up there? She still up there?
373 00:30:12,560 00:30:16,030 I just can't get my head round it even now. I just can't get my head round it even now.
374 00:30:21,000 00:30:24,470 I mean, she seemed such a jolly soul. I mean, she seemed such a jolly soul.
375 00:30:24,560 00:30:26,597 Well, they both did. Well, they both did.
376 00:30:27,720 00:30:31,679 Now we find out she's been suffering these terrible bouts of depression. Now we find out she's been suffering these terrible bouts of depression.
377 00:30:32,720 00:30:35,633 Heaven knows how he's gonna cope from now on. Heaven knows how he's gonna cope from now on.
378 00:30:36,960 00:30:40,954 It would be an upset for anyone, I should think, to find your wife's hanged herself It would be an upset for anyone, I should think, to find your wife's hanged herself
379 00:30:41,040 00:30:42,678 during a game of Happy Families. during a game of Happy Families.
380 00:30:46,360 00:30:49,876 So, that's another funeral we've got to go to. So, that's another funeral we've got to go to.
381 00:30:50,160 00:30:53,039 What do you mean another one? The first one didn't exist. What do you mean another one? The first one didn't exist.
382 00:30:56,040 00:30:57,360 I don't know. I don't know.
383 00:30:58,480 00:31:02,553 How are you supposed to cope with all the tragedy in life? How are you supposed to cope with all the tragedy in life?
384 00:31:06,000 00:31:10,073 What was it that philosopher said? "Just go out and cultivate your garden." What was it that philosopher said? "Just go out and cultivate your garden."
385 00:31:10,960 00:31:13,634 If you don't mind, I'll just go and water the dahlias. If you don't mind, I'll just go and water the dahlias.
386 00:31:17,920 00:31:19,115 Victor? Victor?
387 00:31:20,960 00:31:22,155 What? What?
388 00:31:24,760 00:31:26,273 I'll get the lunch on. I'll get the lunch on.
389 00:31:29,400 00:31:32,438 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
390 00:31:32,840 00:31:35,673 # That I am just too long in the tooth # That I am just too long in the tooth
391 00:31:36,320 00:31:38,755 # I've started to deteriorate # I've started to deteriorate
392 00:31:39,640 00:31:42,792 # And now I've passed my own sell-by date # And now I've passed my own sell-by date
393 00:31:43,280 00:31:46,318 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
394 00:31:46,760 00:31:49,593 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew # I have to pop my teeth in to chew
395 00:31:50,200 00:31:53,272 # And my old knees have started to knock # And my old knees have started to knock
396 00:31:53,680 00:31:56,752 # I've just got too many miles on the clock # I've just got too many miles on the clock
397 00:31:57,120 00:32:00,272 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
398 00:32:00,880 00:32:04,271 # It's true that my body has seen better days # It's true that my body has seen better days
399 00:32:04,600 00:32:08,230 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
400 00:32:08,560 00:32:10,676 # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave
401 00:32:11,920 00:32:14,036 # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave
402 00:32:15,400 00:32:17,516 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #