# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:02,720 00:00:05,872 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
2 00:00:06,320 00:00:09,278 # That I am just too long in the tooth # That I am just too long in the tooth
3 00:00:09,800 00:00:12,713 # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4 00:00:13,240 00:00:16,278 # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5 00:00:16,680 00:00:20,753 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6 00:00:20,840 00:00:24,196 # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Fading away but I've not yet expired
7 00:00:24,280 00:00:27,591 # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8 00:00:27,960 00:00:30,315 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #
9 00:00:33,360 00:00:37,593 Okay. And finally, Patrick, three things that cause you stress. Okay. And finally, Patrick, three things that cause you stress.
10 00:00:37,680 00:00:40,957 Remember, we discuss them, we disable them. Remember, we discuss them, we disable them.
11 00:00:41,360 00:00:43,351 Erm, only three. Erm, only three.
12 00:00:43,440 00:00:47,320 Well, let's see. Work, I suppose. It hasn't been much fun, Well, let's see. Work, I suppose. It hasn't been much fun,
13 00:00:47,480 00:00:50,871 since the man who lived next door killed my chances of promotion. since the man who lived next door killed my chances of promotion.
14 00:00:51,320 00:00:54,312 Family, never quite managed to start one Family, never quite managed to start one
15 00:00:54,400 00:00:58,234 after the man who lived next door sabotaged my sperm count. after the man who lived next door sabotaged my sperm count.
16 00:00:58,320 00:01:02,279 And, of course, our new house has never really felt like home And, of course, our new house has never really felt like home
17 00:01:02,400 00:01:04,960 what with the man who lived next door losing all our furniture. what with the man who lived next door losing all our furniture.
18 00:01:05,040 00:01:08,920 Ah, now I think I see a pattern beginning to emerge here. Ah, now I think I see a pattern beginning to emerge here.
19 00:01:09,000 00:01:14,473 The demonising of this mythic figure in your life suggests a certain irrational paranoia at work. The demonising of this mythic figure in your life suggests a certain irrational paranoia at work.
20 00:01:14,560 00:01:17,279 Yes, yes, I can see why you'd think that. Yes, yes, I can see why you'd think that.
21 00:01:17,400 00:01:21,792 But I swear to you, this person has totally dogged my life. But I swear to you, this person has totally dogged my life.
22 00:01:21,880 00:01:25,714 We're talking about a man here who for reasons utterly impenetrable We're talking about a man here who for reasons utterly impenetrable
23 00:01:25,840 00:01:30,835 drove a motor-mower around my employer's carpet singing, Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, drove a motor-mower around my employer's carpet singing, Hey, Mr Tambourine Man,
24 00:01:32,240 00:01:36,199 then proceeded to demolish her summer house and poison the entire garden then proceeded to demolish her summer house and poison the entire garden
25 00:01:36,280 00:01:38,794 by spraying it with cocaine. by spraying it with cocaine.
26 00:01:39,120 00:01:41,760 And the reduction in your fertility? And the reduction in your fertility?
27 00:01:41,920 00:01:46,039 An impromptu vasectomy performed by a crab up my beach shorts. An impromptu vasectomy performed by a crab up my beach shorts.
28 00:01:51,160 00:01:53,197 RAJEEV: Yes? RAJEEV: Yes?
29 00:01:55,280 00:01:56,429 No, I just... No, I just...
30 00:01:56,560 00:02:00,394 Okay, to eradicate the problem you must first confront it. Okay, to eradicate the problem you must first confront it.
31 00:02:00,480 00:02:02,198 Go back and visit this man. Go back and visit this man.
32 00:02:02,280 00:02:05,955 You face the fear, only then can you neutralise it. You face the fear, only then can you neutralise it.
33 00:02:06,440 00:02:07,510 Right. Right.
34 00:02:07,600 00:02:11,195 RAJEEV: And how do we neutralise these tensions in our life? RAJEEV: And how do we neutralise these tensions in our life?
35 00:02:11,480 00:02:15,838 By understanding the therapeutic nature of a fundamental human mechanism, By understanding the therapeutic nature of a fundamental human mechanism,
36 00:02:15,920 00:02:17,513 the act of laughing. the act of laughing.
37 00:02:17,600 00:02:21,514 Regular laughter not only lifts our spirits, it stimulates the diaphragm, Regular laughter not only lifts our spirits, it stimulates the diaphragm,
38 00:02:21,600 00:02:25,594 assisting our breathing and so relieving our stress. assisting our breathing and so relieving our stress.
39 00:02:25,680 00:02:29,560 So, for a count of 10, please, with lots of gusto. So, for a count of 10, please, with lots of gusto.
40 00:02:30,160 00:02:31,389 (ALL LAUGHING) (ALL LAUGHING)
41 00:02:44,440 00:02:45,430 (TUTTING) (TUTTING)
42 00:02:46,760 00:02:50,754 The trash you read in this local nowadays. The trash you read in this local nowadays.
43 00:02:50,840 00:02:53,070 Do you remember that comedian with the big teeth? Do you remember that comedian with the big teeth?
44 00:02:54,160 00:02:58,199 Printed such a terrible write-up of his act, he went home and jumped off the roof. Printed such a terrible write-up of his act, he went home and jumped off the roof.
45 00:02:58,880 00:03:03,351 They've only got a review of his suicide in here now. They've only got a review of his suicide in here now.
46 00:03:03,600 00:03:06,069 Page 17, "Arts critic Marjorie Quayle Page 17, "Arts critic Marjorie Quayle
47 00:03:06,160 00:03:09,391 "is unimpressed by comic's final caper." "is unimpressed by comic's final caper."
48 00:03:10,040 00:03:13,920 If you want to do something useful you can put this washing in the machine for me. If you want to do something useful you can put this washing in the machine for me.
49 00:03:14,000 00:03:18,471 It's mostly woollens, so make sure you set it at the right temperature. It's mostly woollens, so make sure you set it at the right temperature.
50 00:03:18,680 00:03:22,071 "Though undoubtedly funnier than any of his jokes "Though undoubtedly funnier than any of his jokes
51 00:03:22,160 00:03:26,040 "the sudden death last night of orthodontically challenged Larry Hackett "the sudden death last night of orthodontically challenged Larry Hackett
52 00:03:26,120 00:03:28,555 "by plummeting from a tall building "by plummeting from a tall building
53 00:03:28,640 00:03:31,758 "fell as flat on his face as the man himself. "fell as flat on his face as the man himself.
54 00:03:32,520 00:03:36,718 "Ranked against the self-destruction of other famous funsters, "Ranked against the self-destruction of other famous funsters,
55 00:03:36,800 00:03:40,077 "this creaky cri de coeur "this creaky cri de coeur
56 00:03:40,160 00:03:44,757 "lacked the vintage martyrdom of a Hancock or Fatty Arbuckle "lacked the vintage martyrdom of a Hancock or Fatty Arbuckle
57 00:03:46,000 00:03:50,597 "and was about as emotionally unsettling as a bag of winkles." "and was about as emotionally unsettling as a bag of winkles."
58 00:03:51,600 00:03:55,673 He was only trying to earn a living, poor bloke. He was only trying to earn a living, poor bloke.
59 00:03:56,360 00:03:59,671 Gave it one star for "Don't bother". Gave it one star for "Don't bother".
60 00:03:59,840 00:04:02,878 Did you hear me? I'll be out the back. Did you hear me? I'll be out the back.
61 00:04:02,960 00:04:04,837 Yes. Yes.
62 00:04:10,720 00:04:11,790 Morning. Morning.
63 00:04:11,960 00:04:15,954 Morning. Hello, Buster. Oh, on your lunch break? Morning. Hello, Buster. Oh, on your lunch break?
64 00:04:16,040 00:04:19,590 I don't want to hassle you, Mrs Meldrew, but we've had a few calls I don't want to hassle you, Mrs Meldrew, but we've had a few calls
65 00:04:19,680 00:04:23,878 about an extremely loud television blasting out of your bedroom at all hours. about an extremely loud television blasting out of your bedroom at all hours.
66 00:04:24,920 00:04:26,672 My God, is this it? My God, is this it?
67 00:04:30,760 00:04:32,478 What have you got in there? The Empire Leicester Square? What have you got in there? The Empire Leicester Square?
68 00:04:32,560 00:04:36,679 Yes. I'll spare you the plot of another Whitehall farce, Roger. Yes. I'll spare you the plot of another Whitehall farce, Roger.
69 00:04:36,800 00:04:39,030 Suffice to say, it all hinges on the words Suffice to say, it all hinges on the words
70 00:04:39,120 00:04:41,396 "15-inch" and "50-inch" sounding very similar over the phone. "15-inch" and "50-inch" sounding very similar over the phone.
71 00:04:41,480 00:04:43,949 They're supposed to be coming to take it back next week. They're supposed to be coming to take it back next week.
72 00:04:44,040 00:04:46,680 Only Mr Blithery says the vibrations from Moira Stuart Only Mr Blithery says the vibrations from Moira Stuart
73 00:04:46,760 00:04:48,478 have been loosening his false leg. have been loosening his false leg.
74 00:04:50,080 00:04:52,037 Phone call for you. It's Pippa. Phone call for you. It's Pippa.
75 00:04:52,120 00:04:55,078 Oh! Erm, sorry, will you excuse me? Oh! Erm, sorry, will you excuse me?
76 00:05:01,600 00:05:05,355 Come on, what's this? Do you think if you plant it, it's gonna grow? Come here. Come on, what's this? Do you think if you plant it, it's gonna grow? Come here.
77 00:05:28,440 00:05:32,320 I know, it must be absolutely ages. I know, it must be absolutely ages.
78 00:05:33,360 00:05:34,350 Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
79 00:05:46,240 00:05:48,959 Oh, yes. Easily. Oh, yes. Easily.
80 00:05:49,040 00:05:50,553 Anyway, how are things? Anyway, how are things?
81 00:05:50,640 00:05:53,951 Oh, a bit grizzly at the moment, if truth be told. Oh, a bit grizzly at the moment, if truth be told.
82 00:05:54,040 00:05:57,510 With it being Patrick's time of the month and everything. With it being Patrick's time of the month and everything.
83 00:05:58,040 00:06:01,237 You know that thing men go through where they can't open their mouths You know that thing men go through where they can't open their mouths
84 00:06:01,320 00:06:03,630 without getting right on your tits. without getting right on your tits.
85 00:06:03,800 00:06:05,598 (SILENCE) (SILENCE)
86 00:06:06,680 00:06:09,832 What with that and Denzel losing his voice. What with that and Denzel losing his voice.
87 00:06:12,520 00:06:14,477 Anyway, how about you? Anyway, how about you?
88 00:06:14,600 00:06:19,595 Oh, yes. Still ticking over, thanks for asking. Oh, yes. Still ticking over, thanks for asking.
89 00:06:20,240 00:06:25,235 Did I tell you I'm doing some work for this agency as a part-time care assistant? Did I tell you I'm doing some work for this agency as a part-time care assistant?
90 00:06:25,480 00:06:27,835 Oh, you know, visiting one or two people. Oh, you know, visiting one or two people.
91 00:06:27,920 00:06:30,833 Getting them washed and dressed in the mornings. Getting them washed and dressed in the mornings.
92 00:06:30,960 00:06:33,793 Oh, of course, Victor's got his new window cleaning round Oh, of course, Victor's got his new window cleaning round
93 00:06:33,880 00:06:36,156 which seems to be keeping him out of mischief. which seems to be keeping him out of mischief.
94 00:06:36,240 00:06:38,470 Anyway, if you're feeling a bit down in the dumps Anyway, if you're feeling a bit down in the dumps
95 00:06:38,560 00:06:41,234 the two of us are going out for a bite to eat tonight. the two of us are going out for a bite to eat tonight.
96 00:06:41,320 00:06:44,756 Why don't you call us? Right. Bye. Why don't you call us? Right. Bye.
97 00:06:47,560 00:06:50,029 Victor, what the hell are you doing? Victor, what the hell are you doing?
98 00:06:50,400 00:06:52,789 It's all right. I think you're going to be able to wear them. It's all right. I think you're going to be able to wear them.
99 00:06:52,880 00:06:55,190 It's just, I may have left them in a little bit too long. It's just, I may have left them in a little bit too long.
100 00:06:55,280 00:06:57,351 Oh, will you stop that! Oh, will you stop that!
101 00:06:58,000 00:07:01,391 This is the washing I said I'd do for that lady who's just come out of hospital This is the washing I said I'd do for that lady who's just come out of hospital
102 00:07:01,480 00:07:02,834 and her three children. and her three children.
103 00:07:03,680 00:07:06,194 God spare us! God spare us!
104 00:07:07,400 00:07:10,711 This is what I wear, you think? This is what I wear, you think?
105 00:07:11,080 00:07:13,720 Look what you've done to these now! Look what you've done to these now!
106 00:07:13,800 00:07:14,790 (DOORBELL RINGING) (DOORBELL RINGING)
107 00:07:15,040 00:07:16,951 I'm sorry, I... I don't... I'm sorry, I... I don't...
108 00:07:21,440 00:07:23,954 Ah, thank you very much. Ah, thank you very much.
109 00:07:26,720 00:07:28,552 Can this possibly be Can this possibly be
110 00:07:28,640 00:07:32,349 our handmade silk-screen wallpaper for the spare bedroom? our handmade silk-screen wallpaper for the spare bedroom?
111 00:07:32,480 00:07:34,835 I'd just about given up hope. I'd just about given up hope.
112 00:07:34,920 00:07:38,754 It's a wonder they sent it at all. The way you kept moaning on at them, It's a wonder they sent it at all. The way you kept moaning on at them,
113 00:07:38,840 00:07:42,117 ringing up asking to speak to William Caxton. ringing up asking to speak to William Caxton.
114 00:07:42,720 00:07:46,236 I merely asked them what kind of medieval printing process they were using I merely asked them what kind of medieval printing process they were using
115 00:07:46,320 00:07:49,790 that meant we had to wait 15 weeks for a simple order. that meant we had to wait 15 weeks for a simple order.
116 00:07:50,680 00:07:54,958 Didn't care for his attitude one bit, that one that looked like Frank Zappa. Didn't care for his attitude one bit, that one that looked like Frank Zappa.
117 00:07:55,400 00:08:00,349 Anyway, I've said to Pippa they could join us for this Chinese tonight, Anyway, I've said to Pippa they could join us for this Chinese tonight,
118 00:08:00,520 00:08:02,830 as it's such a long time since we've seen them. as it's such a long time since we've seen them.
119 00:08:02,920 00:08:05,833 No, not since we stayed over at their house that night No, not since we stayed over at their house that night
120 00:08:05,920 00:08:08,389 and found they put a waterproof sheet on the bed. and found they put a waterproof sheet on the bed.
121 00:08:10,160 00:08:14,393 And that ruddy sausage dog sniffing around just as I was getting undressed. And that ruddy sausage dog sniffing around just as I was getting undressed.
122 00:08:14,960 00:08:19,193 Staring up between my legs and dribbling as if he hadn't been fed for a week. Staring up between my legs and dribbling as if he hadn't been fed for a week.
123 00:08:19,720 00:08:22,872 I don't know what he thought he was about to... I don't know what he thought he was about to...
124 00:08:24,240 00:08:28,393 Oh, I do not believe... Oh, I do not believe...
125 00:08:29,200 00:08:31,476 Will you look at this? Will you look at this?
126 00:08:40,520 00:08:45,515 Bastards! Can you believe the nerve of this? Bastards! Can you believe the nerve of this?
127 00:08:47,000 00:08:51,278 I'll skin their ruddy hides for them! I'll skin their ruddy hides for them!
128 00:08:55,120 00:08:58,112 Oh, there we are. If you're stuck on what to get me for my birthday Oh, there we are. If you're stuck on what to get me for my birthday
129 00:08:58,200 00:09:01,636 there's a Jackson Pollock going begging at Sotheby's for two million. there's a Jackson Pollock going begging at Sotheby's for two million.
130 00:09:02,000 00:09:04,355 Just fill this wall rather nicely. Just fill this wall rather nicely.
131 00:09:04,680 00:09:09,675 Failing that, I don't know, something from Rolf Harris's non-drip emulsion period or... Failing that, I don't know, something from Rolf Harris's non-drip emulsion period or...
132 00:09:09,920 00:09:12,275 So, that's it then, is it? So, that's it then, is it?
133 00:09:12,360 00:09:16,513 You won't come out for a meal with Mr Meldrew tonight on principle? You won't come out for a meal with Mr Meldrew tonight on principle?
134 00:09:16,600 00:09:19,194 Just 'cause of what's happened in the past? Just 'cause of what's happened in the past?
135 00:09:19,280 00:09:23,353 My dear, the police were digging up bones in his back garden this morning. My dear, the police were digging up bones in his back garden this morning.
136 00:09:24,360 00:09:26,192 (SILENCE) (SILENCE)
137 00:09:27,600 00:09:29,716 I hope I don't need to remind you I hope I don't need to remind you
138 00:09:29,800 00:09:33,316 what the shock of seeing Mr Meldrew with no clothes on did to this poor little mite. what the shock of seeing Mr Meldrew with no clothes on did to this poor little mite.
139 00:09:33,400 00:09:35,550 Enough to strike anyone dumb, I should think. Enough to strike anyone dumb, I should think.
140 00:09:35,800 00:09:39,191 We don't know it was that that made him... We don't know it was that that made him...
141 00:09:39,800 00:09:42,110 What the hell is all this? What the hell is all this?
142 00:09:42,320 00:09:46,279 "Congratulations. I'm pleased to announce that you, "Congratulations. I'm pleased to announce that you,
143 00:09:46,360 00:09:49,000 "head of Reader's Digest junk mail, "head of Reader's Digest junk mail,
144 00:09:49,080 00:09:52,152 "are one of the lucky winners in my special prize draw "are one of the lucky winners in my special prize draw
145 00:09:52,240 00:09:57,235 "and have been selected to receive at least one of the following sensational gifts. "and have been selected to receive at least one of the following sensational gifts.
146 00:09:57,400 00:10:01,473 "A pair of diamond earrings, worth at least £10,000, "A pair of diamond earrings, worth at least £10,000,
147 00:10:01,560 00:10:04,996 "a fabulous dream holiday in sun-kissed Waikiki, "a fabulous dream holiday in sun-kissed Waikiki,
148 00:10:05,080 00:10:06,832 "or a dead rat. "or a dead rat.
149 00:10:07,920 00:10:12,596 "Open now to see which of these prizes is yours." "Open now to see which of these prizes is yours."
150 00:10:14,680 00:10:18,071 Oh, my God. I feel sick. Oh, my God. I feel sick.
151 00:10:19,920 00:10:24,949 "Yes, this is just one of a series of rotting rodents that are yours to examine "Yes, this is just one of a series of rotting rodents that are yours to examine
152 00:10:25,040 00:10:27,600 "free of charge in your own home. "free of charge in your own home.
153 00:10:27,680 00:10:31,753 "Please rush me a decomposing squirrel by return of post.” "Please rush me a decomposing squirrel by return of post.”
154 00:10:31,840 00:10:35,879 Yes, well, we'll see how they'll like a dose of their own ruddy medicine for a change. Yes, well, we'll see how they'll like a dose of their own ruddy medicine for a change.
155 00:10:35,960 00:10:38,270 You know who you're starting to turn into, don't you? You know who you're starting to turn into, don't you?
156 00:10:38,360 00:10:39,350 Hmm? Hmm?
157 00:10:39,440 00:10:43,991 And the frightening thing is, you can't even see it. And the frightening thing is, you can't even see it.
158 00:11:06,720 00:11:08,757 Time of the month. Time of the month.
159 00:11:13,120 00:11:16,556 Bloody zip! Don't know why I bother. Bloody zip! Don't know why I bother.
160 00:11:16,640 00:11:21,635 Brand new pair of trousers and can't budge it for love nor money. Brand new pair of trousers and can't budge it for love nor money.
161 00:11:29,560 00:11:33,269 No matter what you buy nowadays, there's always got to be a problem. No matter what you buy nowadays, there's always got to be a problem.
162 00:11:35,240 00:11:37,390 I mean, that was asking for trouble, wasn't it? I mean, that was asking for trouble, wasn't it?
163 00:11:37,480 00:11:41,758 Leaving Mrs Warboys to mind the fort when this arrived. Leaving Mrs Warboys to mind the fort when this arrived.
164 00:11:42,000 00:11:46,198 (IMITATING MRS WARBOYS) "It's a whopper, isn't it, Mr Meldrew?" (IMITATING MRS WARBOYS) "It's a whopper, isn't it, Mr Meldrew?"
165 00:11:46,920 00:11:50,038 I mean, she must've known it was the wrong model, for goodness sake! I mean, she must've known it was the wrong model, for goodness sake!
166 00:11:50,120 00:11:54,591 Oh, will you keep still! Jigging about like a Morris dancer. Oh, will you keep still! Jigging about like a Morris dancer.
167 00:11:54,880 00:11:56,439 There! There!
168 00:11:57,480 00:11:58,515 Now come on. Now come on.
169 00:11:58,600 00:12:03,356 We've got 45 minutes to get to this place and woe betide you if it's not up to standard. We've got 45 minutes to get to this place and woe betide you if it's not up to standard.
170 00:12:03,440 00:12:06,353 I've heard some very dodgy stories about this restaurant. I've heard some very dodgy stories about this restaurant.
171 00:12:06,440 00:12:07,430 Meaning what? Meaning what?
172 00:12:07,560 00:12:11,679 Meaning I wouldn't be at all sure this is a misprint. Meaning I wouldn't be at all sure this is a misprint.
173 00:12:15,640 00:12:18,029 Meaning what, Margaret? Meaning what, Margaret?
174 00:12:21,680 00:12:24,115 Well, that was absolutely...erm. Well, that was absolutely...erm.
175 00:12:24,200 00:12:25,554 Horrible. Horrible.
176 00:12:25,640 00:12:26,755 If I'm honest. If I'm honest.
177 00:12:26,840 00:12:28,990 Yes, I think when the crispy duck arrived Yes, I think when the crispy duck arrived
178 00:12:29,080 00:12:33,119 and they'd burnt the beak, it was a sure sign of things... Victor! and they'd burnt the beak, it was a sure sign of things... Victor!
179 00:12:33,280 00:12:37,433 We've already established it doesn't work. Will you stop trying to force it? We've already established it doesn't work. Will you stop trying to force it?
180 00:12:39,560 00:12:41,073 Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.
181 00:12:45,120 00:12:47,191 Now, now, I don't know why you're (HICCUPPING) moaning. Now, now, I don't know why you're (HICCUPPING) moaning.
182 00:12:47,920 00:12:50,878 I think this has all been very.. tasty nosh. I think this has all been very.. tasty nosh.
183 00:12:52,000 00:12:54,879 So, you were saying it's Patrick's birthday coming up. So, you were saying it's Patrick's birthday coming up.
184 00:12:54,960 00:12:56,997 What are you going to get him? Have you decided yet? What are you going to get him? Have you decided yet?
185 00:12:57,080 00:13:01,119 Well, he's been dropping hints about a painting for his office, but... Well, he's been dropping hints about a painting for his office, but...
186 00:13:01,360 00:13:04,398 Oh, maybe I'll just get him a book or something on modern art. Oh, maybe I'll just get him a book or something on modern art.
187 00:13:04,480 00:13:06,278 Oh, well. Oh, well.
188 00:13:06,520 00:13:10,195 Didn't you say there's an artist who lives on your window cleaning round? Didn't you say there's an artist who lives on your window cleaning round?
189 00:13:10,280 00:13:12,556 Perhaps you could find out if he's got anything decent to sell. Perhaps you could find out if he's got anything decent to sell.
190 00:13:12,640 00:13:14,870 I can do, perhaps, tomorrow morning. I can do, perhaps, tomorrow morning.
191 00:13:15,120 00:13:20,115 In the meantime, I think I'll go for a pis...tachio ice cream for dessert. In the meantime, I think I'll go for a pis...tachio ice cream for dessert.
192 00:13:21,720 00:13:23,518 Be back in two shakes. Be back in two shakes.
193 00:13:33,600 00:13:35,955 (THUMPING) (THUMPING)
194 00:13:55,360 00:13:58,398 Oh, for mercy's sake, go down! Oh, for mercy's sake, go down!
195 00:14:34,440 00:14:39,116 So, I suppose I've got to take the blame for all this now, have I, as usual? So, I suppose I've got to take the blame for all this now, have I, as usual?
196 00:14:39,200 00:14:43,637 Yes, whose idea was it to come to this God-awful dive? Please do remind me. Yes, whose idea was it to come to this God-awful dive? Please do remind me.
197 00:14:43,720 00:14:46,360 I mean, when I booked the table, it completely slipped my mind I mean, when I booked the table, it completely slipped my mind
198 00:14:46,440 00:14:49,239 to enquire about the underground brothel facilities. to enquire about the underground brothel facilities.
199 00:14:49,360 00:14:50,759 Go to empty your bladder in good faith Go to empty your bladder in good faith
200 00:14:50,840 00:14:54,117 and you don't expect to be yanked off by the local vice ring. and you don't expect to be yanked off by the local vice ring.
201 00:14:54,200 00:14:58,239 Well, it certainly gives a new meaning to the phrase "popping out for a Chinese". Well, it certainly gives a new meaning to the phrase "popping out for a Chinese".
202 00:14:58,480 00:15:00,790 You sure you don't want us to run you home? You sure you don't want us to run you home?
203 00:15:00,880 00:15:03,554 No, I'll be fine. Taxi'll be here in a tick. No, I'll be fine. Taxi'll be here in a tick.
204 00:15:03,640 00:15:06,678 You two get along, have an early night. You two get along, have an early night.
205 00:15:06,920 00:15:07,990 I'll phone you tomorrow. I'll phone you tomorrow.
206 00:15:08,080 00:15:09,400 -Night. -Good night. -Night. -Good night.
207 00:15:09,600 00:15:11,273 Can I get you a drink, madam? Can I get you a drink, madam?
208 00:15:11,360 00:15:15,638 -Okay, I'll have white wine, please. -Thank you. -Okay, I'll have white wine, please. -Thank you.
209 00:15:33,760 00:15:35,319 -Hello... -Good morning. -Hello... -Good morning.
210 00:15:35,400 00:15:38,552 ...do you suffer from a clenched colon? ...do you suffer from a clenched colon?
211 00:15:38,640 00:15:39,755 I beg your pardon? I beg your pardon?
212 00:15:39,840 00:15:43,913 Does your skirt feel too tight after a heavy meal and your tummy all puffed up Does your skirt feel too tight after a heavy meal and your tummy all puffed up
213 00:15:44,000 00:15:45,752 like it's about to explode? like it's about to explode?
214 00:15:45,840 00:15:49,720 Well, you could be one of thousands of women in Britain today Well, you could be one of thousands of women in Britain today
215 00:15:49,800 00:15:53,430 who suffer the misery and social embarrassment of IBS. who suffer the misery and social embarrassment of IBS.
216 00:15:53,520 00:15:56,512 Well, Derek Pangloss has kindly popped in to talk to us all about this. Derek... Well, Derek Pangloss has kindly popped in to talk to us all about this. Derek...
217 00:15:56,600 00:15:58,637 (ON TV) ...in which the normal operation of the bowel has (ON TV) ...in which the normal operation of the bowel has
218 00:15:58,720 00:16:00,791 for some reason become impaired. The normal.. for some reason become impaired. The normal..
219 00:16:00,880 00:16:02,279 What's going on here? What's going on here?
220 00:16:02,360 00:16:06,513 Mrs Aylesbury's mother across the road rang up to say her TV is on the blink Mrs Aylesbury's mother across the road rang up to say her TV is on the blink
221 00:16:06,640 00:16:11,510 and would we mind if she watched an item on irritable bowel syndrome through her binoculars? and would we mind if she watched an item on irritable bowel syndrome through her binoculars?
222 00:16:11,600 00:16:14,194 She's virtually house-bound, you know. And she suffers from... She's virtually house-bound, you know. And she suffers from...
223 00:16:14,280 00:16:15,270 (VOICE SQUEAKING ON PHONE) (VOICE SQUEAKING ON PHONE)
224 00:16:15,360 00:16:17,192 -...or like somebody standing on a hosepipe? -Exactly. -...or like somebody standing on a hosepipe? -Exactly.
225 00:16:17,280 00:16:18,350 Hello? Hello?
226 00:16:19,480 00:16:23,439 Oh, yes, right. Sorry. Oh, yes, right. Sorry.
227 00:16:28,480 00:16:31,711 Who were you trying to ring? Who were you trying to ring?
228 00:16:31,800 00:16:34,440 Well, I was going to have another go at those wallpaper merchants Well, I was going to have another go at those wallpaper merchants
229 00:16:34,520 00:16:38,479 but I suppose it can wait. I've got to be on my way anyway. but I suppose it can wait. I've got to be on my way anyway.
230 00:16:39,200 00:16:42,113 You won't forget to call in on that artist on your way You won't forget to call in on that artist on your way
231 00:16:42,200 00:16:45,033 and see if you can get something for Patrick's birthday. and see if you can get something for Patrick's birthday.
232 00:16:45,120 00:16:47,794 If he's there, yes. If he's there, yes.
233 00:16:47,960 00:16:50,634 ...tough muscular tract whose principal function, ...tough muscular tract whose principal function,
234 00:16:50,720 00:16:52,313 the absorption of all the water... the absorption of all the water...
235 00:16:52,400 00:16:53,470 (VICTOR HUFFING) (VICTOR HUFFING)
236 00:16:53,560 00:16:54,834 ...in their diet... ...in their diet...
237 00:17:06,160 00:17:09,391 I suppose you know you're going to go right through that thing in a minute, I suppose you know you're going to go right through that thing in a minute,
238 00:17:09,480 00:17:11,073 puncture the cabinet. puncture the cabinet.
239 00:17:11,160 00:17:12,150 PATRICK: Mmm-hmm. PATRICK: Mmm-hmm.
240 00:17:28,720 00:17:33,635 "Congratulations on choosing the new advanced miracle freezer that will never need defrosting.” "Congratulations on choosing the new advanced miracle freezer that will never need defrosting.”
241 00:17:35,560 00:17:37,358 (DOORBELL BUZZING) (DOORBELL BUZZING)
242 00:17:40,080 00:17:41,070 (HISSING) (HISSING)
243 00:17:42,360 00:17:46,354 PIPPA: Margaret! I wasn't expecting you this morning. PIPPA: Margaret! I wasn't expecting you this morning.
244 00:17:46,720 00:17:51,237 Well, I'm actually between house calls, but as I was in the area, I thought... Well, I'm actually between house calls, but as I was in the area, I thought...
245 00:17:51,320 00:17:53,789 A cup of coffee wouldn't go amiss. A cup of coffee wouldn't go amiss.
246 00:17:57,000 00:17:58,399 Where are you off to? Where are you off to?
247 00:17:58,480 00:18:00,596 Just popping out for a second...freezer. Just popping out for a second...freezer.
248 00:18:00,680 00:18:03,479 -What? -Just popping out for a second freezer, -What? -Just popping out for a second freezer,
249 00:18:03,560 00:18:06,996 in case the first one packs up. Which, of course, it has. in case the first one packs up. Which, of course, it has.
250 00:18:07,080 00:18:11,517 Bloody freezers. So, erm, I'll see you later, Mrs Meldrew. Are you well? Bloody freezers. So, erm, I'll see you later, Mrs Meldrew. Are you well?
251 00:18:14,720 00:18:17,838 Well, you got back safe and sound, anyway, Well, you got back safe and sound, anyway,
252 00:18:17,920 00:18:20,355 after last night's fun and games. after last night's fun and games.
253 00:18:20,720 00:18:25,430 Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. Well, in a manner of speaking, yes.
254 00:18:27,600 00:18:29,318 (STUTTERING) What do you mean? What is it? (STUTTERING) What do you mean? What is it?
255 00:18:29,400 00:18:30,993 Why? What happened? Why? What happened?
256 00:18:31,240 00:18:36,076 After you'd gone, I got chatting to this bloke, didn't I, in the bar? After you'd gone, I got chatting to this bloke, didn't I, in the bar?
257 00:18:36,880 00:18:40,077 His name was Warren, he was there on his own and... His name was Warren, he was there on his own and...
258 00:18:42,360 00:18:45,000 Oh, God! Pippa! Oh, God! Pippa!
259 00:18:45,360 00:18:49,194 His wife was away on business. He said, did I want to come back for coffee? His wife was away on business. He said, did I want to come back for coffee?
260 00:18:49,480 00:18:54,395 I said, as long as it wasn't unprotected coffee, all right then. I said, as long as it wasn't unprotected coffee, all right then.
261 00:18:54,680 00:18:57,718 And about 55 brandies later... And about 55 brandies later...
262 00:18:57,800 00:19:00,792 I don't know if you've ever had sex under anaesthetic. I don't know if you've ever had sex under anaesthetic.
263 00:19:01,520 00:19:04,114 Now, here's the killer, Margaret. Now, here's the killer, Margaret.
264 00:19:04,400 00:19:06,755 When I was in the cab coming home, When I was in the cab coming home,
265 00:19:06,960 00:19:10,794 I found he'd slipped a £20 note into my pocket. I found he'd slipped a £20 note into my pocket.
266 00:19:11,000 00:19:14,038 -For your taxi fare, I suppose. -Or something else? -For your taxi fare, I suppose. -Or something else?
267 00:19:14,480 00:19:16,835 Margaret, he picked me up in that restaurant. Margaret, he picked me up in that restaurant.
268 00:19:17,040 00:19:19,714 What if he thought I was part of the merchandise? What if he thought I was part of the merchandise?
269 00:19:21,440 00:19:22,919 Twenty pounds? Twenty pounds?
270 00:19:23,000 00:19:24,752 A loss leader? A loss leader?
271 00:19:25,520 00:19:28,956 The thing is, I've got to know one way or the other, The thing is, I've got to know one way or the other,
272 00:19:29,200 00:19:32,113 being a bit of cheap trade I could just about deal with, being a bit of cheap trade I could just about deal with,
273 00:19:32,280 00:19:35,272 I've had all sorts of crap jobs in my time, I've had all sorts of crap jobs in my time,
274 00:19:35,360 00:19:39,240 but if I found out I was having an affair last night. but if I found out I was having an affair last night.
275 00:19:39,440 00:19:42,990 Well, that's why I've got to see him again. I've got to find out Well, that's why I've got to see him again. I've got to find out
276 00:19:43,640 00:19:46,632 one way or the other, for my own sanity. one way or the other, for my own sanity.
277 00:19:48,960 00:19:52,840 Here we go, then. That's the last of them. Here we go, then. That's the last of them.
278 00:19:53,360 00:19:56,159 Now, it's fantastic! Now, it's fantastic!
279 00:19:56,400 00:20:00,155 I think sir is going to be well pleased when he gets back. I think sir is going to be well pleased when he gets back.
280 00:20:00,240 00:20:01,275 (DOORBELL RINGING) (DOORBELL RINGING)
281 00:20:01,360 00:20:03,271 Oh, is that the front door? Oh, is that the front door?
282 00:20:03,440 00:20:05,192 I'll leave you to it, then. I'll leave you to it, then.
283 00:20:05,280 00:20:07,430 If you need anything, give me a shout. If you need anything, give me a shout.
284 00:20:10,560 00:20:14,394 As I said Mr Jarvis is away at the moment in South Africa. As I said Mr Jarvis is away at the moment in South Africa.
285 00:20:14,560 00:20:18,315 But anything you wanted to make an offer on I could give him a call. But anything you wanted to make an offer on I could give him a call.
286 00:20:18,720 00:20:22,350 These would all go for about 700 or 800 in a gallery. These would all go for about 700 or 800 in a gallery.
287 00:20:25,200 00:20:30,149 Well, as I say, it's for a friend, and I'm not quite sure how much she's prepared to spend. Well, as I say, it's for a friend, and I'm not quite sure how much she's prepared to spend.
288 00:20:30,520 00:20:34,070 Of course, his international profile is rising all the time. Of course, his international profile is rising all the time.
289 00:20:34,160 00:20:37,073 Chiefly because he's such a perfectionist. Chiefly because he's such a perfectionist.
290 00:20:37,760 00:20:41,469 Any canvas he is even remotely unhappy with, that's it. Any canvas he is even remotely unhappy with, that's it.
291 00:20:41,640 00:20:43,870 Out it goes. Trash. Out it goes. Trash.
292 00:21:01,200 00:21:02,918 Ah, amazing, isn't it? Ah, amazing, isn't it?
293 00:21:03,040 00:21:07,159 Something like this can be just thrown away when you think of what some people would pay for it. Something like this can be just thrown away when you think of what some people would pay for it.
294 00:21:07,720 00:21:11,111 Well, it's only going in the skip. If you can find a use for it... Well, it's only going in the skip. If you can find a use for it...
295 00:21:11,800 00:21:13,154 Oh, really? Oh, really?
296 00:21:22,320 00:21:25,950 Absolutely hideous! Absolutely hideous!
297 00:21:28,360 00:21:31,591 You honestly think Patrick will want this on his wall? You honestly think Patrick will want this on his wall?
298 00:21:32,560 00:21:34,358 What's it meant to be? What's it meant to be?
299 00:21:34,440 00:21:37,717 It's not meant to be anything. It's an abstract. It's not meant to be anything. It's an abstract.
300 00:21:37,800 00:21:40,189 It's different things to different people. It's different things to different people.
301 00:21:40,680 00:21:45,072 I thought I might just give it a simple black frame and it could be a present to him from us. I thought I might just give it a simple black frame and it could be a present to him from us.
302 00:21:46,200 00:21:49,795 It stinks to high heaven, I know that much. It stinks to high heaven, I know that much.
303 00:21:50,080 00:21:53,232 You say people pay 700 quid for this? You say people pay 700 quid for this?
304 00:21:53,720 00:21:56,314 They must be out of their tiny minds! They must be out of their tiny minds!
305 00:22:00,200 00:22:02,794 Ha! You know why? Ha! You know why?
306 00:22:03,280 00:22:05,078 It's upside down. It's upside down.
307 00:22:09,160 00:22:11,913 (STUTTERING) But, no, Mr Withers, don't you think you should... (STUTTERING) But, no, Mr Withers, don't you think you should...
308 00:22:13,680 00:22:17,594 No. Right. Okay, then, bye. No. Right. Okay, then, bye.
309 00:22:19,680 00:22:22,957 That's 16 people all called to cancel now. That's 16 people all called to cancel now.
310 00:22:23,680 00:22:25,990 Why should that happen all of a sudden? Why should that happen all of a sudden?
311 00:22:26,280 00:22:29,910 Well, maybe there's a rival window cleaner in the area poaching your customers. Well, maybe there's a rival window cleaner in the area poaching your customers.
312 00:22:31,320 00:22:34,119 You know, I think it's starting to grow on me. You know, I think it's starting to grow on me.
313 00:22:34,760 00:22:38,151 The more you look at it, the more you see what he was trying to get at. The more you look at it, the more you see what he was trying to get at.
314 00:22:39,160 00:22:44,155 The way the colours are all quite skilfully arranged, the more you study it. The way the colours are all quite skilfully arranged, the more you study it.
315 00:22:45,400 00:22:49,359 If it goes on like this, I won't have any more calls left before long. If it goes on like this, I won't have any more calls left before long.
316 00:22:53,560 00:22:54,789 Thanks. Thanks.
317 00:22:55,080 00:22:58,436 Might have to start and sell my body to that Chinese restaurant. Might have to start and sell my body to that Chinese restaurant.
318 00:23:02,120 00:23:04,191 God! Victor! God! Victor!
319 00:23:05,000 00:23:09,915 Leave it to me. I'll sort it. Oh! Just eat your tea. Leave it to me. I'll sort it. Oh! Just eat your tea.
320 00:23:21,200 00:23:24,955 I saw a programme once where they took three months I saw a programme once where they took three months
321 00:23:25,440 00:23:27,829 to restore a damaged Rembrandt. to restore a damaged Rembrandt.
322 00:23:28,200 00:23:31,192 If I can just get the worst of it off before it dries. If I can just get the worst of it off before it dries.
323 00:23:41,600 00:23:43,034 That does it. That does it.
324 00:23:45,080 00:23:46,673 What is it now! What is it now!
325 00:23:47,400 00:23:51,359 This parish magazine, you'll never believe what they print! This parish magazine, you'll never believe what they print!
326 00:23:52,080 00:23:54,879 A review of my window cleaning. A review of my window cleaning.
327 00:23:57,480 00:24:02,429 "In her occasional series about odd-job men, local arts critic Marjorie Quayle "In her occasional series about odd-job men, local arts critic Marjorie Quayle
328 00:24:02,600 00:24:06,195 "accesses the work of newcomer Victor Meldrew." "accesses the work of newcomer Victor Meldrew."
329 00:24:07,200 00:24:09,589 I didn't even know she was one of my customers. I didn't even know she was one of my customers.
330 00:24:10,160 00:24:13,790 "His squeegee action is limp and flaccid. "His squeegee action is limp and flaccid.
331 00:24:15,280 00:24:18,591 "His entire subtext mired in cliché, "His entire subtext mired in cliché,
332 00:24:18,720 00:24:22,953 "where one longs for broad strokes of sparkling clarity, "where one longs for broad strokes of sparkling clarity,
333 00:24:23,080 00:24:27,597 "Meldrew has nothing to offer but a thoughtless residue of suds. "Meldrew has nothing to offer but a thoughtless residue of suds.
334 00:24:28,760 00:24:31,479 "As for his technique with the chamois leather, "As for his technique with the chamois leather,
335 00:24:31,920 00:24:34,958 "I have seen it more deftly manipulated "I have seen it more deftly manipulated
336 00:24:35,560 00:24:37,836 "on a goat's arse." "on a goat's arse."
337 00:24:41,760 00:24:45,879 Well, that's a stinker. No wonder your business is dropping off. Well, that's a stinker. No wonder your business is dropping off.
338 00:24:46,720 00:24:50,031 I'm trying to earn a living, for goodness sake. I'm trying to earn a living, for goodness sake.
339 00:24:51,280 00:24:53,999 Why have people got to be so cruel? Why have people got to be so cruel?
340 00:24:59,600 00:25:02,672 That's Liddy. He's a little sweetheart, aren't you? That's Liddy. He's a little sweetheart, aren't you?
341 00:25:03,120 00:25:05,236 And this here is Segretti. And this here is Segretti.
342 00:25:05,720 00:25:09,350 And out there, eating the pansies, that's Magruder. And out there, eating the pansies, that's Magruder.
343 00:25:09,480 00:25:12,836 So, are all your pets named after Watergate conspirators? So, are all your pets named after Watergate conspirators?
344 00:25:12,920 00:25:15,275 I tell you, it's a fascinating period of American history. I tell you, it's a fascinating period of American history.
345 00:25:15,360 00:25:17,158 You ever see Al the President's Men? You ever see Al the President's Men?
346 00:25:17,240 00:25:20,835 Listen, about the other night, Listen, about the other night,
347 00:25:20,920 00:25:24,197 I had had quite a lot to drink and... I had had quite a lot to drink and...
348 00:25:24,280 00:25:27,557 warren, can I just stop you there for a second? warren, can I just stop you there for a second?
349 00:25:27,720 00:25:30,314 That money you put in my purse afterwards. That money you put in my purse afterwards.
350 00:25:30,400 00:25:32,914 Oh, was more than enough, I hope... Oh, was more than enough, I hope...
351 00:25:33,280 00:25:34,679 for the taxi. for the taxi.
352 00:25:35,560 00:25:39,315 Listen, we don't have to feel guilty about this. Either of us. Listen, we don't have to feel guilty about this. Either of us.
353 00:25:39,400 00:25:43,075 It's just, there comes a time in any marriage when you need a little break. It's just, there comes a time in any marriage when you need a little break.
354 00:25:43,360 00:25:45,920 When you go abroad for holiday doesn't mean you have to emigrate. When you go abroad for holiday doesn't mean you have to emigrate.
355 00:25:46,000 00:25:50,631 Yes. Well, I really don't think it's a good idea for us to... Yes. Well, I really don't think it's a good idea for us to...
356 00:25:51,080 00:25:53,390 Is this your wife? Is this your wife?
357 00:25:54,040 00:25:56,236 Oh, yes. That's Sally. Oh, yes. That's Sally.
358 00:25:56,640 00:25:59,678 Bloody hell. She's gorgeous. Bloody hell. She's gorgeous.
359 00:25:59,960 00:26:01,553 Well, she is Well, she is
360 00:26:02,440 00:26:05,637 in her own way and you in yours. in her own way and you in yours.
361 00:26:07,040 00:26:10,271 Few hours from now, she'll be in Geneva. Few hours from now, she'll be in Geneva.
362 00:26:11,240 00:26:12,230 So... So...
363 00:26:26,480 00:26:29,233 Warren, I can't. Warren, I can't.
364 00:26:31,000 00:26:31,990 (CAT MEOWING) (CAT MEOWING)
365 00:26:34,920 00:26:37,150 Oh. Hi. Oh. Hi.
366 00:26:37,800 00:26:39,473 Can you believe it? Can you believe it?
367 00:26:39,560 00:26:41,915 Forget me own head if it wasn't screwed on. Forget me own head if it wasn't screwed on.
368 00:26:43,200 00:26:45,555 Sorry to interrupt. Bye. Sorry to interrupt. Bye.
369 00:26:48,800 00:26:51,394 His sister? Oh, you're joking! His sister? Oh, you're joking!
370 00:26:51,480 00:26:54,598 Apparently they share a house but she's hardly ever there. Apparently they share a house but she's hardly ever there.
371 00:26:55,040 00:26:57,509 Of course, he wanted me to think he was married. Of course, he wanted me to think he was married.
372 00:26:57,600 00:27:00,752 That way there was no danger of it getting serious. That way there was no danger of it getting serious.
373 00:27:01,120 00:27:04,829 I mean, I think that's absolutely the worst kind of cheat, don't you? I mean, I think that's absolutely the worst kind of cheat, don't you?
374 00:27:04,920 00:27:07,958 Someone who says he's a cheat, when he isn't. Someone who says he's a cheat, when he isn't.
375 00:27:08,720 00:27:13,271 Anyway, I think I found the perfect softener Anyway, I think I found the perfect softener
376 00:27:13,440 00:27:16,637 in the shape of Denzel Junior. in the shape of Denzel Junior.
377 00:27:17,080 00:27:18,070 Yes. Yes.
378 00:27:18,160 00:27:20,549 You can talk, can't you? You can talk, can't you?
379 00:27:21,600 00:27:24,956 I'm hoping that with this and Victor's painting I'm hoping that with this and Victor's painting
380 00:27:25,040 00:27:29,432 he'll be in a good enough mood by tonight for me to broach the dreaded subject. he'll be in a good enough mood by tonight for me to broach the dreaded subject.
381 00:27:29,600 00:27:32,831 Now, not a peep out of you till I say. Now, not a peep out of you till I say.
382 00:27:33,840 00:27:35,114 MARGARET: Patrick. MARGARET: Patrick.
383 00:27:35,640 00:27:37,358 Many happy returns. Many happy returns.
384 00:27:37,920 00:27:40,992 I think Victor has got a little surprise for you. I think Victor has got a little surprise for you.
385 00:27:41,080 00:27:42,070 Upstairs. Upstairs.
386 00:27:48,720 00:27:51,678 Well I, erm... I don't know what to say. Well I, erm... I don't know what to say.
387 00:27:52,640 00:27:54,392 Rather taken aback. Rather taken aback.
388 00:27:55,200 00:27:57,714 I suppose you're wondering where it came from. I suppose you're wondering where it came from.
389 00:27:58,280 00:27:59,759 Well, that's right. Well, that's right.
390 00:28:00,320 00:28:02,789 Couldn't even begin to hazard a guess. Couldn't even begin to hazard a guess.
391 00:28:04,240 00:28:06,800 The rectum of a very nervous albatross? The rectum of a very nervous albatross?
392 00:28:08,120 00:28:11,351 Flock of willow warblers with chronic dysentery? Flock of willow warblers with chronic dysentery?
393 00:28:12,000 00:28:14,958 Yes, I have to say, Mr Meldrew, you certainly haven't lost your touch. Yes, I have to say, Mr Meldrew, you certainly haven't lost your touch.
394 00:28:15,040 00:28:17,919 And when your wife said you had a little surprise lined up for me, And when your wife said you had a little surprise lined up for me,
395 00:28:18,000 00:28:21,356 I'll admit one or two old favourites did spring to mind. I'll admit one or two old favourites did spring to mind.
396 00:28:21,440 00:28:23,875 A gift pack of your own worn underpants. A gift pack of your own worn underpants.
397 00:28:23,960 00:28:26,520 A jeroboam of cat's urine. A jeroboam of cat's urine.
398 00:28:26,600 00:28:30,559 But, no, for all-round staggering pointlessness, this has to take the biscuit. But, no, for all-round staggering pointlessness, this has to take the biscuit.
399 00:28:30,920 00:28:33,673 What are you saying? You don't like it? What are you saying? You don't like it?
400 00:28:34,040 00:28:37,510 Mrs Meldrew, what is there to like? It's excrement. Mrs Meldrew, what is there to like? It's excrement.
401 00:28:38,920 00:28:42,197 Oh, how very gracious of you to say so. Oh, how very gracious of you to say so.
402 00:28:42,480 00:28:44,391 I don't know why I bother sometimes. I don't know why I bother sometimes.
403 00:28:44,600 00:28:47,911 You try and build bridges, and what happens? I should have known better. You try and build bridges, and what happens? I should have known better.
404 00:28:48,000 00:28:51,470 -Victor! -You're not gonna leave this here? -Victor! -You're not gonna leave this here?
405 00:28:51,720 00:28:53,631 What is it? What's happening? What is it? What's happening?
406 00:28:53,720 00:28:56,314 How do you even attempt to get inside a mind like that? How do you even attempt to get inside a mind like that?
407 00:28:56,400 00:29:00,951 It's not just the fact that he brings me a sheet of plywood splattered with bird shit for my birthday, It's not just the fact that he brings me a sheet of plywood splattered with bird shit for my birthday,
408 00:29:01,040 00:29:05,159 but for some reason he imagines he can take the curse off the smell but for some reason he imagines he can take the curse off the smell
409 00:29:05,240 00:29:07,709 with trace elements of tomato ketchup. with trace elements of tomato ketchup.
410 00:29:08,480 00:29:10,710 Well, I'm sorry, but it's not staying here. Well, I'm sorry, but it's not staying here.
411 00:29:16,040 00:29:19,237 I'm sorry, I think I forgot my drill. I'm sorry, I think I forgot my drill.
412 00:29:19,360 00:29:20,759 (SILENCE) (SILENCE)
413 00:29:21,480 00:29:23,357 (BARKING) (BARKING)
414 00:29:40,360 00:29:43,000 Well, I don't know.. Well, I don't know..
415 00:29:43,240 00:29:46,198 We knew the artist wasn't happy with it We knew the artist wasn't happy with it
416 00:29:46,760 00:29:51,152 but, as you say, why do people have to be so horribly critical? but, as you say, why do people have to be so horribly critical?
417 00:29:52,480 00:29:54,596 How many cancellations now? How many cancellations now?
418 00:29:54,680 00:29:58,036 More than enough, I think, to convince me I should chuck it all in. More than enough, I think, to convince me I should chuck it all in.
419 00:29:58,640 00:30:01,632 Thank you very much, Marjorie Quayle. Thank you very much, Marjorie Quayle.
420 00:30:03,400 00:30:06,279 I still can't credit that thing with Pippa, you know? I still can't credit that thing with Pippa, you know?
421 00:30:06,760 00:30:10,993 That she could do something like that without knowing whether she's been used or not. That she could do something like that without knowing whether she's been used or not.
422 00:30:11,080 00:30:14,436 -You'd think it'd be obvious at the time... -For some men, the height of sexual arousal... -You'd think it'd be obvious at the time... -For some men, the height of sexual arousal...
423 00:30:14,520 00:30:16,750 -...can only be achieved... -...something odd was going on. -...can only be achieved... -...something odd was going on.
424 00:30:16,840 00:30:18,797 ...by being pampered like a baby. ...by being pampered like a baby.
425 00:30:18,880 00:30:20,678 People might say I'm abusing the system People might say I'm abusing the system
426 00:30:20,760 00:30:23,593 to indulge my own erotic fantasies to indulge my own erotic fantasies
427 00:30:24,440 00:30:28,354 but I'm paying for a service, she's providing one. Who's getting hurt? but I'm paying for a service, she's providing one. Who's getting hurt?
428 00:30:29,480 00:30:32,472 The fact that to her, it is not a game The fact that to her, it is not a game
429 00:30:32,560 00:30:35,473 is what makes it all so terribly exciting. is what makes it all so terribly exciting.
430 00:30:35,640 00:30:36,630 MARGARET: Mr Jefferson? MARGARET: Mr Jefferson?
431 00:30:37,720 00:30:40,075 Here she is now, so... Here she is now, so...
432 00:30:42,600 00:30:45,956 Morning, Mr Jefferson. How are the fingers today? Morning, Mr Jefferson. How are the fingers today?
433 00:30:46,080 00:30:48,993 Would you like a hand getting out of your pyjamas? Would you like a hand getting out of your pyjamas?
434 00:30:49,400 00:30:51,311 You're all bathed and dressed. You're all bathed and dressed.
435 00:30:51,760 00:30:54,229 I thought we might try this new talcum-powder today, I thought we might try this new talcum-powder today,
436 00:30:54,320 00:30:56,391 see if it makes a difference to the itching. see if it makes a difference to the itching.
437 00:30:59,480 00:31:02,598 Now, I'm just going to ease your legs over the side. Now, I'm just going to ease your legs over the side.
438 00:31:02,880 00:31:04,632 Then I think I can... Then I think I can...
439 00:31:05,000 00:31:06,434 Just wriggle these off for you. Just wriggle these off for you.
440 00:31:07,720 00:31:09,631 There we go. There we go.
441 00:31:09,800 00:31:11,154 And up we get. And up we get.
442 00:31:16,800 00:31:19,394 You're going to feel a bit stiff after everything today. You're going to feel a bit stiff after everything today.
443 00:31:19,480 00:31:22,359 So just have a good night's rest So just have a good night's rest
444 00:31:22,440 00:31:24,750 and let those bones knit back together. and let those bones knit back together.
445 00:31:28,440 00:31:31,432 That's one birthday I won't be sorry to put behind me. That's one birthday I won't be sorry to put behind me.
446 00:31:31,520 00:31:32,840 Yes. Yes.
447 00:31:33,840 00:31:35,274 By the way, By the way,
448 00:31:35,800 00:31:38,394 I met a bloke the other night at that restaurant, I met a bloke the other night at that restaurant,
449 00:31:38,480 00:31:42,030 I was quite drunk and it didn't mean anything, I was quite drunk and it didn't mean anything,
450 00:31:42,120 00:31:46,034 but we went back to his house afterwards and made mad, passionate love together. but we went back to his house afterwards and made mad, passionate love together.
451 00:31:46,120 00:31:49,431 I won't do it again. Ni-night. I won't do it again. Ni-night.
452 00:31:53,280 00:31:55,749 (PATRICK LAUGHING LOUDLY IN A FORCED MANNER) (PATRICK LAUGHING LOUDLY IN A FORCED MANNER)
453 00:32:03,040 00:32:05,953 # They say I might as well face the truth # They say I might as well face the truth
454 00:32:06,040 00:32:09,476 # That I am just too long in the tooth # That I am just too long in the tooth
455 00:32:09,920 00:32:12,912 # I've started to deteriorate # I've started to deteriorate
456 00:32:13,400 00:32:16,552 # And now I've passed my own sell-by date # And now I've passed my own sell-by date
457 00:32:16,720 00:32:19,838 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
458 00:32:20,440 00:32:23,717 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew # I have to pop my teeth in to chew
459 00:32:23,920 00:32:26,833 # And my old knees have started to knock # And my old knees have started to knock
460 00:32:26,960 00:32:30,351 # I've just got too many miles on the clock # I've just got too many miles on the clock
461 00:32:30,640 00:32:34,679 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
462 00:32:34,800 00:32:38,111 # It's true that my body has seen better days # It's true that my body has seen better days
463 00:32:38,240 00:32:41,756 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
464 00:32:42,280 00:32:44,476 # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave
465 00:32:45,720 00:32:47,791 # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave
466 00:32:49,160 00:32:52,471 # One foot in the grave # # One foot in the grave #