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1 | 00:00:02,720 | 00:00:05,872 | # They say I might as well face the truth | # They say I might as well face the truth |
2 | 00:00:06,320 | 00:00:09,278 | # That I am just too long in the tooth | # That I am just too long in the tooth |
3 | 00:00:09,800 | 00:00:12,713 | # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed | # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed |
4 | 00:00:13,240 | 00:00:16,278 | # But I have not yet quite gone to seed | # But I have not yet quite gone to seed |
5 | 00:00:16,680 | 00:00:20,753 | # I may be over the hill now that I have retired | # I may be over the hill now that I have retired |
6 | 00:00:20,840 | 00:00:24,196 | # Fading away but I've not yet expired | # Fading away but I've not yet expired |
7 | 00:00:24,280 | 00:00:27,591 | # Clapped out, run down, too old to save | # Clapped out, run down, too old to save |
8 | 00:00:27,960 | 00:00:30,315 | # One foot in the grave # | # One foot in the grave # |
9 | 00:00:33,360 | 00:00:37,593 | Okay. And finally, Patrick, three things that cause you stress. | Okay. And finally, Patrick, three things that cause you stress. |
10 | 00:00:37,680 | 00:00:40,957 | Remember, we discuss them, we disable them. | Remember, we discuss them, we disable them. |
11 | 00:00:41,360 | 00:00:43,351 | Erm, only three. | Erm, only three. |
12 | 00:00:43,440 | 00:00:47,320 | Well, let's see. Work, I suppose. It hasn't been much fun, | Well, let's see. Work, I suppose. It hasn't been much fun, |
13 | 00:00:47,480 | 00:00:50,871 | since the man who lived next door killed my chances of promotion. | since the man who lived next door killed my chances of promotion. |
14 | 00:00:51,320 | 00:00:54,312 | Family, never quite managed to start one | Family, never quite managed to start one |
15 | 00:00:54,400 | 00:00:58,234 | after the man who lived next door sabotaged my sperm count. | after the man who lived next door sabotaged my sperm count. |
16 | 00:00:58,320 | 00:01:02,279 | And, of course, our new house has never really felt like home | And, of course, our new house has never really felt like home |
17 | 00:01:02,400 | 00:01:04,960 | what with the man who lived next door losing all our furniture. | what with the man who lived next door losing all our furniture. |
18 | 00:01:05,040 | 00:01:08,920 | Ah, now I think I see a pattern beginning to emerge here. | Ah, now I think I see a pattern beginning to emerge here. |
19 | 00:01:09,000 | 00:01:14,473 | The demonising of this mythic figure in your life suggests a certain irrational paranoia at work. | The demonising of this mythic figure in your life suggests a certain irrational paranoia at work. |
20 | 00:01:14,560 | 00:01:17,279 | Yes, yes, I can see why you'd think that. | Yes, yes, I can see why you'd think that. |
21 | 00:01:17,400 | 00:01:21,792 | But I swear to you, this person has totally dogged my life. | But I swear to you, this person has totally dogged my life. |
22 | 00:01:21,880 | 00:01:25,714 | We're talking about a man here who for reasons utterly impenetrable | We're talking about a man here who for reasons utterly impenetrable |
23 | 00:01:25,840 | 00:01:30,835 | drove a motor-mower around my employer's carpet singing, Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, | drove a motor-mower around my employer's carpet singing, Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, |
24 | 00:01:32,240 | 00:01:36,199 | then proceeded to demolish her summer house and poison the entire garden | then proceeded to demolish her summer house and poison the entire garden |
25 | 00:01:36,280 | 00:01:38,794 | by spraying it with cocaine. | by spraying it with cocaine. |
26 | 00:01:39,120 | 00:01:41,760 | And the reduction in your fertility? | And the reduction in your fertility? |
27 | 00:01:41,920 | 00:01:46,039 | An impromptu vasectomy performed by a crab up my beach shorts. | An impromptu vasectomy performed by a crab up my beach shorts. |
28 | 00:01:51,160 | 00:01:53,197 | RAJEEV: Yes? | RAJEEV: Yes? |
29 | 00:01:55,280 | 00:01:56,429 | No, I just... | No, I just... |
30 | 00:01:56,560 | 00:02:00,394 | Okay, to eradicate the problem you must first confront it. | Okay, to eradicate the problem you must first confront it. |
31 | 00:02:00,480 | 00:02:02,198 | Go back and visit this man. | Go back and visit this man. |
32 | 00:02:02,280 | 00:02:05,955 | You face the fear, only then can you neutralise it. | You face the fear, only then can you neutralise it. |
33 | 00:02:06,440 | 00:02:07,510 | Right. | Right. |
34 | 00:02:07,600 | 00:02:11,195 | RAJEEV: And how do we neutralise these tensions in our life? | RAJEEV: And how do we neutralise these tensions in our life? |
35 | 00:02:11,480 | 00:02:15,838 | By understanding the therapeutic nature of a fundamental human mechanism, | By understanding the therapeutic nature of a fundamental human mechanism, |
36 | 00:02:15,920 | 00:02:17,513 | the act of laughing. | the act of laughing. |
37 | 00:02:17,600 | 00:02:21,514 | Regular laughter not only lifts our spirits, it stimulates the diaphragm, | Regular laughter not only lifts our spirits, it stimulates the diaphragm, |
38 | 00:02:21,600 | 00:02:25,594 | assisting our breathing and so relieving our stress. | assisting our breathing and so relieving our stress. |
39 | 00:02:25,680 | 00:02:29,560 | So, for a count of 10, please, with lots of gusto. | So, for a count of 10, please, with lots of gusto. |
40 | 00:02:30,160 | 00:02:31,389 | (ALL LAUGHING) | (ALL LAUGHING) |
41 | 00:02:44,440 | 00:02:45,430 | (TUTTING) | (TUTTING) |
42 | 00:02:46,760 | 00:02:50,754 | The trash you read in this local nowadays. | The trash you read in this local nowadays. |
43 | 00:02:50,840 | 00:02:53,070 | Do you remember that comedian with the big teeth? | Do you remember that comedian with the big teeth? |
44 | 00:02:54,160 | 00:02:58,199 | Printed such a terrible write-up of his act, he went home and jumped off the roof. | Printed such a terrible write-up of his act, he went home and jumped off the roof. |
45 | 00:02:58,880 | 00:03:03,351 | They've only got a review of his suicide in here now. | They've only got a review of his suicide in here now. |
46 | 00:03:03,600 | 00:03:06,069 | Page 17, "Arts critic Marjorie Quayle | Page 17, "Arts critic Marjorie Quayle |
47 | 00:03:06,160 | 00:03:09,391 | "is unimpressed by comic's final caper." | "is unimpressed by comic's final caper." |
48 | 00:03:10,040 | 00:03:13,920 | If you want to do something useful you can put this washing in the machine for me. | If you want to do something useful you can put this washing in the machine for me. |
49 | 00:03:14,000 | 00:03:18,471 | It's mostly woollens, so make sure you set it at the right temperature. | It's mostly woollens, so make sure you set it at the right temperature. |
50 | 00:03:18,680 | 00:03:22,071 | "Though undoubtedly funnier than any of his jokes | "Though undoubtedly funnier than any of his jokes |
51 | 00:03:22,160 | 00:03:26,040 | "the sudden death last night of orthodontically challenged Larry Hackett | "the sudden death last night of orthodontically challenged Larry Hackett |
52 | 00:03:26,120 | 00:03:28,555 | "by plummeting from a tall building | "by plummeting from a tall building |
53 | 00:03:28,640 | 00:03:31,758 | "fell as flat on his face as the man himself. | "fell as flat on his face as the man himself. |
54 | 00:03:32,520 | 00:03:36,718 | "Ranked against the self-destruction of other famous funsters, | "Ranked against the self-destruction of other famous funsters, |
55 | 00:03:36,800 | 00:03:40,077 | "this creaky cri de coeur | "this creaky cri de coeur |
56 | 00:03:40,160 | 00:03:44,757 | "lacked the vintage martyrdom of a Hancock or Fatty Arbuckle | "lacked the vintage martyrdom of a Hancock or Fatty Arbuckle |
57 | 00:03:46,000 | 00:03:50,597 | "and was about as emotionally unsettling as a bag of winkles." | "and was about as emotionally unsettling as a bag of winkles." |
58 | 00:03:51,600 | 00:03:55,673 | He was only trying to earn a living, poor bloke. | He was only trying to earn a living, poor bloke. |
59 | 00:03:56,360 | 00:03:59,671 | Gave it one star for "Don't bother". | Gave it one star for "Don't bother". |
60 | 00:03:59,840 | 00:04:02,878 | Did you hear me? I'll be out the back. | Did you hear me? I'll be out the back. |
61 | 00:04:02,960 | 00:04:04,837 | Yes. | Yes. |
62 | 00:04:10,720 | 00:04:11,790 | Morning. | Morning. |
63 | 00:04:11,960 | 00:04:15,954 | Morning. Hello, Buster. Oh, on your lunch break? | Morning. Hello, Buster. Oh, on your lunch break? |
64 | 00:04:16,040 | 00:04:19,590 | I don't want to hassle you, Mrs Meldrew, but we've had a few calls | I don't want to hassle you, Mrs Meldrew, but we've had a few calls |
65 | 00:04:19,680 | 00:04:23,878 | about an extremely loud television blasting out of your bedroom at all hours. | about an extremely loud television blasting out of your bedroom at all hours. |
66 | 00:04:24,920 | 00:04:26,672 | My God, is this it? | My God, is this it? |
67 | 00:04:30,760 | 00:04:32,478 | What have you got in there? The Empire Leicester Square? | What have you got in there? The Empire Leicester Square? |
68 | 00:04:32,560 | 00:04:36,679 | Yes. I'll spare you the plot of another Whitehall farce, Roger. | Yes. I'll spare you the plot of another Whitehall farce, Roger. |
69 | 00:04:36,800 | 00:04:39,030 | Suffice to say, it all hinges on the words | Suffice to say, it all hinges on the words |
70 | 00:04:39,120 | 00:04:41,396 | "15-inch" and "50-inch" sounding very similar over the phone. | "15-inch" and "50-inch" sounding very similar over the phone. |
71 | 00:04:41,480 | 00:04:43,949 | They're supposed to be coming to take it back next week. | They're supposed to be coming to take it back next week. |
72 | 00:04:44,040 | 00:04:46,680 | Only Mr Blithery says the vibrations from Moira Stuart | Only Mr Blithery says the vibrations from Moira Stuart |
73 | 00:04:46,760 | 00:04:48,478 | have been loosening his false leg. | have been loosening his false leg. |
74 | 00:04:50,080 | 00:04:52,037 | Phone call for you. It's Pippa. | Phone call for you. It's Pippa. |
75 | 00:04:52,120 | 00:04:55,078 | Oh! Erm, sorry, will you excuse me? | Oh! Erm, sorry, will you excuse me? |
76 | 00:05:01,600 | 00:05:05,355 | Come on, what's this? Do you think if you plant it, it's gonna grow? Come here. | Come on, what's this? Do you think if you plant it, it's gonna grow? Come here. |
77 | 00:05:28,440 | 00:05:32,320 | I know, it must be absolutely ages. | I know, it must be absolutely ages. |
78 | 00:05:33,360 | 00:05:34,350 | Mmm-hmm. | Mmm-hmm. |
79 | 00:05:46,240 | 00:05:48,959 | Oh, yes. Easily. | Oh, yes. Easily. |
80 | 00:05:49,040 | 00:05:50,553 | Anyway, how are things? | Anyway, how are things? |
81 | 00:05:50,640 | 00:05:53,951 | Oh, a bit grizzly at the moment, if truth be told. | Oh, a bit grizzly at the moment, if truth be told. |
82 | 00:05:54,040 | 00:05:57,510 | With it being Patrick's time of the month and everything. | With it being Patrick's time of the month and everything. |
83 | 00:05:58,040 | 00:06:01,237 | You know that thing men go through where they can't open their mouths | You know that thing men go through where they can't open their mouths |
84 | 00:06:01,320 | 00:06:03,630 | without getting right on your tits. | without getting right on your tits. |
85 | 00:06:03,800 | 00:06:05,598 | (SILENCE) | (SILENCE) |
86 | 00:06:06,680 | 00:06:09,832 | What with that and Denzel losing his voice. | What with that and Denzel losing his voice. |
87 | 00:06:12,520 | 00:06:14,477 | Anyway, how about you? | Anyway, how about you? |
88 | 00:06:14,600 | 00:06:19,595 | Oh, yes. Still ticking over, thanks for asking. | Oh, yes. Still ticking over, thanks for asking. |
89 | 00:06:20,240 | 00:06:25,235 | Did I tell you I'm doing some work for this agency as a part-time care assistant? | Did I tell you I'm doing some work for this agency as a part-time care assistant? |
90 | 00:06:25,480 | 00:06:27,835 | Oh, you know, visiting one or two people. | Oh, you know, visiting one or two people. |
91 | 00:06:27,920 | 00:06:30,833 | Getting them washed and dressed in the mornings. | Getting them washed and dressed in the mornings. |
92 | 00:06:30,960 | 00:06:33,793 | Oh, of course, Victor's got his new window cleaning round | Oh, of course, Victor's got his new window cleaning round |
93 | 00:06:33,880 | 00:06:36,156 | which seems to be keeping him out of mischief. | which seems to be keeping him out of mischief. |
94 | 00:06:36,240 | 00:06:38,470 | Anyway, if you're feeling a bit down in the dumps | Anyway, if you're feeling a bit down in the dumps |
95 | 00:06:38,560 | 00:06:41,234 | the two of us are going out for a bite to eat tonight. | the two of us are going out for a bite to eat tonight. |
96 | 00:06:41,320 | 00:06:44,756 | Why don't you call us? Right. Bye. | Why don't you call us? Right. Bye. |
97 | 00:06:47,560 | 00:06:50,029 | Victor, what the hell are you doing? | Victor, what the hell are you doing? |
98 | 00:06:50,400 | 00:06:52,789 | It's all right. I think you're going to be able to wear them. | It's all right. I think you're going to be able to wear them. |
99 | 00:06:52,880 | 00:06:55,190 | It's just, I may have left them in a little bit too long. | It's just, I may have left them in a little bit too long. |
100 | 00:06:55,280 | 00:06:57,351 | Oh, will you stop that! | Oh, will you stop that! |
101 | 00:06:58,000 | 00:07:01,391 | This is the washing I said I'd do for that lady who's just come out of hospital | This is the washing I said I'd do for that lady who's just come out of hospital |
102 | 00:07:01,480 | 00:07:02,834 | and her three children. | and her three children. |
103 | 00:07:03,680 | 00:07:06,194 | God spare us! | God spare us! |
104 | 00:07:07,400 | 00:07:10,711 | This is what I wear, you think? | This is what I wear, you think? |
105 | 00:07:11,080 | 00:07:13,720 | Look what you've done to these now! | Look what you've done to these now! |
106 | 00:07:13,800 | 00:07:14,790 | (DOORBELL RINGING) | (DOORBELL RINGING) |
107 | 00:07:15,040 | 00:07:16,951 | I'm sorry, I... I don't... | I'm sorry, I... I don't... |
108 | 00:07:21,440 | 00:07:23,954 | Ah, thank you very much. | Ah, thank you very much. |
109 | 00:07:26,720 | 00:07:28,552 | Can this possibly be | Can this possibly be |
110 | 00:07:28,640 | 00:07:32,349 | our handmade silk-screen wallpaper for the spare bedroom? | our handmade silk-screen wallpaper for the spare bedroom? |
111 | 00:07:32,480 | 00:07:34,835 | I'd just about given up hope. | I'd just about given up hope. |
112 | 00:07:34,920 | 00:07:38,754 | It's a wonder they sent it at all. The way you kept moaning on at them, | It's a wonder they sent it at all. The way you kept moaning on at them, |
113 | 00:07:38,840 | 00:07:42,117 | ringing up asking to speak to William Caxton. | ringing up asking to speak to William Caxton. |
114 | 00:07:42,720 | 00:07:46,236 | I merely asked them what kind of medieval printing process they were using | I merely asked them what kind of medieval printing process they were using |
115 | 00:07:46,320 | 00:07:49,790 | that meant we had to wait 15 weeks for a simple order. | that meant we had to wait 15 weeks for a simple order. |
116 | 00:07:50,680 | 00:07:54,958 | Didn't care for his attitude one bit, that one that looked like Frank Zappa. | Didn't care for his attitude one bit, that one that looked like Frank Zappa. |
117 | 00:07:55,400 | 00:08:00,349 | Anyway, I've said to Pippa they could join us for this Chinese tonight, | Anyway, I've said to Pippa they could join us for this Chinese tonight, |
118 | 00:08:00,520 | 00:08:02,830 | as it's such a long time since we've seen them. | as it's such a long time since we've seen them. |
119 | 00:08:02,920 | 00:08:05,833 | No, not since we stayed over at their house that night | No, not since we stayed over at their house that night |
120 | 00:08:05,920 | 00:08:08,389 | and found they put a waterproof sheet on the bed. | and found they put a waterproof sheet on the bed. |
121 | 00:08:10,160 | 00:08:14,393 | And that ruddy sausage dog sniffing around just as I was getting undressed. | And that ruddy sausage dog sniffing around just as I was getting undressed. |
122 | 00:08:14,960 | 00:08:19,193 | Staring up between my legs and dribbling as if he hadn't been fed for a week. | Staring up between my legs and dribbling as if he hadn't been fed for a week. |
123 | 00:08:19,720 | 00:08:22,872 | I don't know what he thought he was about to... | I don't know what he thought he was about to... |
124 | 00:08:24,240 | 00:08:28,393 | Oh, I do not believe... | Oh, I do not believe... |
125 | 00:08:29,200 | 00:08:31,476 | Will you look at this? | Will you look at this? |
126 | 00:08:40,520 | 00:08:45,515 | Bastards! Can you believe the nerve of this? | Bastards! Can you believe the nerve of this? |
127 | 00:08:47,000 | 00:08:51,278 | I'll skin their ruddy hides for them! | I'll skin their ruddy hides for them! |
128 | 00:08:55,120 | 00:08:58,112 | Oh, there we are. If you're stuck on what to get me for my birthday | Oh, there we are. If you're stuck on what to get me for my birthday |
129 | 00:08:58,200 | 00:09:01,636 | there's a Jackson Pollock going begging at Sotheby's for two million. | there's a Jackson Pollock going begging at Sotheby's for two million. |
130 | 00:09:02,000 | 00:09:04,355 | Just fill this wall rather nicely. | Just fill this wall rather nicely. |
131 | 00:09:04,680 | 00:09:09,675 | Failing that, I don't know, something from Rolf Harris's non-drip emulsion period or... | Failing that, I don't know, something from Rolf Harris's non-drip emulsion period or... |
132 | 00:09:09,920 | 00:09:12,275 | So, that's it then, is it? | So, that's it then, is it? |
133 | 00:09:12,360 | 00:09:16,513 | You won't come out for a meal with Mr Meldrew tonight on principle? | You won't come out for a meal with Mr Meldrew tonight on principle? |
134 | 00:09:16,600 | 00:09:19,194 | Just 'cause of what's happened in the past? | Just 'cause of what's happened in the past? |
135 | 00:09:19,280 | 00:09:23,353 | My dear, the police were digging up bones in his back garden this morning. | My dear, the police were digging up bones in his back garden this morning. |
136 | 00:09:24,360 | 00:09:26,192 | (SILENCE) | (SILENCE) |
137 | 00:09:27,600 | 00:09:29,716 | I hope I don't need to remind you | I hope I don't need to remind you |
138 | 00:09:29,800 | 00:09:33,316 | what the shock of seeing Mr Meldrew with no clothes on did to this poor little mite. | what the shock of seeing Mr Meldrew with no clothes on did to this poor little mite. |
139 | 00:09:33,400 | 00:09:35,550 | Enough to strike anyone dumb, I should think. | Enough to strike anyone dumb, I should think. |
140 | 00:09:35,800 | 00:09:39,191 | We don't know it was that that made him... | We don't know it was that that made him... |
141 | 00:09:39,800 | 00:09:42,110 | What the hell is all this? | What the hell is all this? |
142 | 00:09:42,320 | 00:09:46,279 | "Congratulations. I'm pleased to announce that you, | "Congratulations. I'm pleased to announce that you, |
143 | 00:09:46,360 | 00:09:49,000 | "head of Reader's Digest junk mail, | "head of Reader's Digest junk mail, |
144 | 00:09:49,080 | 00:09:52,152 | "are one of the lucky winners in my special prize draw | "are one of the lucky winners in my special prize draw |
145 | 00:09:52,240 | 00:09:57,235 | "and have been selected to receive at least one of the following sensational gifts. | "and have been selected to receive at least one of the following sensational gifts. |
146 | 00:09:57,400 | 00:10:01,473 | "A pair of diamond earrings, worth at least £10,000, | "A pair of diamond earrings, worth at least £10,000, |
147 | 00:10:01,560 | 00:10:04,996 | "a fabulous dream holiday in sun-kissed Waikiki, | "a fabulous dream holiday in sun-kissed Waikiki, |
148 | 00:10:05,080 | 00:10:06,832 | "or a dead rat. | "or a dead rat. |
149 | 00:10:07,920 | 00:10:12,596 | "Open now to see which of these prizes is yours." | "Open now to see which of these prizes is yours." |
150 | 00:10:14,680 | 00:10:18,071 | Oh, my God. I feel sick. | Oh, my God. I feel sick. |
151 | 00:10:19,920 | 00:10:24,949 | "Yes, this is just one of a series of rotting rodents that are yours to examine | "Yes, this is just one of a series of rotting rodents that are yours to examine |
152 | 00:10:25,040 | 00:10:27,600 | "free of charge in your own home. | "free of charge in your own home. |
153 | 00:10:27,680 | 00:10:31,753 | "Please rush me a decomposing squirrel by return of post.” | "Please rush me a decomposing squirrel by return of post.” |
154 | 00:10:31,840 | 00:10:35,879 | Yes, well, we'll see how they'll like a dose of their own ruddy medicine for a change. | Yes, well, we'll see how they'll like a dose of their own ruddy medicine for a change. |
155 | 00:10:35,960 | 00:10:38,270 | You know who you're starting to turn into, don't you? | You know who you're starting to turn into, don't you? |
156 | 00:10:38,360 | 00:10:39,350 | Hmm? | Hmm? |
157 | 00:10:39,440 | 00:10:43,991 | And the frightening thing is, you can't even see it. | And the frightening thing is, you can't even see it. |
158 | 00:11:06,720 | 00:11:08,757 | Time of the month. | Time of the month. |
159 | 00:11:13,120 | 00:11:16,556 | Bloody zip! Don't know why I bother. | Bloody zip! Don't know why I bother. |
160 | 00:11:16,640 | 00:11:21,635 | Brand new pair of trousers and can't budge it for love nor money. | Brand new pair of trousers and can't budge it for love nor money. |
161 | 00:11:29,560 | 00:11:33,269 | No matter what you buy nowadays, there's always got to be a problem. | No matter what you buy nowadays, there's always got to be a problem. |
162 | 00:11:35,240 | 00:11:37,390 | I mean, that was asking for trouble, wasn't it? | I mean, that was asking for trouble, wasn't it? |
163 | 00:11:37,480 | 00:11:41,758 | Leaving Mrs Warboys to mind the fort when this arrived. | Leaving Mrs Warboys to mind the fort when this arrived. |
164 | 00:11:42,000 | 00:11:46,198 | (IMITATING MRS WARBOYS) "It's a whopper, isn't it, Mr Meldrew?" | (IMITATING MRS WARBOYS) "It's a whopper, isn't it, Mr Meldrew?" |
165 | 00:11:46,920 | 00:11:50,038 | I mean, she must've known it was the wrong model, for goodness sake! | I mean, she must've known it was the wrong model, for goodness sake! |
166 | 00:11:50,120 | 00:11:54,591 | Oh, will you keep still! Jigging about like a Morris dancer. | Oh, will you keep still! Jigging about like a Morris dancer. |
167 | 00:11:54,880 | 00:11:56,439 | There! | There! |
168 | 00:11:57,480 | 00:11:58,515 | Now come on. | Now come on. |
169 | 00:11:58,600 | 00:12:03,356 | We've got 45 minutes to get to this place and woe betide you if it's not up to standard. | We've got 45 minutes to get to this place and woe betide you if it's not up to standard. |
170 | 00:12:03,440 | 00:12:06,353 | I've heard some very dodgy stories about this restaurant. | I've heard some very dodgy stories about this restaurant. |
171 | 00:12:06,440 | 00:12:07,430 | Meaning what? | Meaning what? |
172 | 00:12:07,560 | 00:12:11,679 | Meaning I wouldn't be at all sure this is a misprint. | Meaning I wouldn't be at all sure this is a misprint. |
173 | 00:12:15,640 | 00:12:18,029 | Meaning what, Margaret? | Meaning what, Margaret? |
174 | 00:12:21,680 | 00:12:24,115 | Well, that was absolutely...erm. | Well, that was absolutely...erm. |
175 | 00:12:24,200 | 00:12:25,554 | Horrible. | Horrible. |
176 | 00:12:25,640 | 00:12:26,755 | If I'm honest. | If I'm honest. |
177 | 00:12:26,840 | 00:12:28,990 | Yes, I think when the crispy duck arrived | Yes, I think when the crispy duck arrived |
178 | 00:12:29,080 | 00:12:33,119 | and they'd burnt the beak, it was a sure sign of things... Victor! | and they'd burnt the beak, it was a sure sign of things... Victor! |
179 | 00:12:33,280 | 00:12:37,433 | We've already established it doesn't work. Will you stop trying to force it? | We've already established it doesn't work. Will you stop trying to force it? |
180 | 00:12:39,560 | 00:12:41,073 | Oh, sorry. | Oh, sorry. |
181 | 00:12:45,120 | 00:12:47,191 | Now, now, I don't know why you're (HICCUPPING) moaning. | Now, now, I don't know why you're (HICCUPPING) moaning. |
182 | 00:12:47,920 | 00:12:50,878 | I think this has all been very.. tasty nosh. | I think this has all been very.. tasty nosh. |
183 | 00:12:52,000 | 00:12:54,879 | So, you were saying it's Patrick's birthday coming up. | So, you were saying it's Patrick's birthday coming up. |
184 | 00:12:54,960 | 00:12:56,997 | What are you going to get him? Have you decided yet? | What are you going to get him? Have you decided yet? |
185 | 00:12:57,080 | 00:13:01,119 | Well, he's been dropping hints about a painting for his office, but... | Well, he's been dropping hints about a painting for his office, but... |
186 | 00:13:01,360 | 00:13:04,398 | Oh, maybe I'll just get him a book or something on modern art. | Oh, maybe I'll just get him a book or something on modern art. |
187 | 00:13:04,480 | 00:13:06,278 | Oh, well. | Oh, well. |
188 | 00:13:06,520 | 00:13:10,195 | Didn't you say there's an artist who lives on your window cleaning round? | Didn't you say there's an artist who lives on your window cleaning round? |
189 | 00:13:10,280 | 00:13:12,556 | Perhaps you could find out if he's got anything decent to sell. | Perhaps you could find out if he's got anything decent to sell. |
190 | 00:13:12,640 | 00:13:14,870 | I can do, perhaps, tomorrow morning. | I can do, perhaps, tomorrow morning. |
191 | 00:13:15,120 | 00:13:20,115 | In the meantime, I think I'll go for a pis...tachio ice cream for dessert. | In the meantime, I think I'll go for a pis...tachio ice cream for dessert. |
192 | 00:13:21,720 | 00:13:23,518 | Be back in two shakes. | Be back in two shakes. |
193 | 00:13:33,600 | 00:13:35,955 | (THUMPING) | (THUMPING) |
194 | 00:13:55,360 | 00:13:58,398 | Oh, for mercy's sake, go down! | Oh, for mercy's sake, go down! |
195 | 00:14:34,440 | 00:14:39,116 | So, I suppose I've got to take the blame for all this now, have I, as usual? | So, I suppose I've got to take the blame for all this now, have I, as usual? |
196 | 00:14:39,200 | 00:14:43,637 | Yes, whose idea was it to come to this God-awful dive? Please do remind me. | Yes, whose idea was it to come to this God-awful dive? Please do remind me. |
197 | 00:14:43,720 | 00:14:46,360 | I mean, when I booked the table, it completely slipped my mind | I mean, when I booked the table, it completely slipped my mind |
198 | 00:14:46,440 | 00:14:49,239 | to enquire about the underground brothel facilities. | to enquire about the underground brothel facilities. |
199 | 00:14:49,360 | 00:14:50,759 | Go to empty your bladder in good faith | Go to empty your bladder in good faith |
200 | 00:14:50,840 | 00:14:54,117 | and you don't expect to be yanked off by the local vice ring. | and you don't expect to be yanked off by the local vice ring. |
201 | 00:14:54,200 | 00:14:58,239 | Well, it certainly gives a new meaning to the phrase "popping out for a Chinese". | Well, it certainly gives a new meaning to the phrase "popping out for a Chinese". |
202 | 00:14:58,480 | 00:15:00,790 | You sure you don't want us to run you home? | You sure you don't want us to run you home? |
203 | 00:15:00,880 | 00:15:03,554 | No, I'll be fine. Taxi'll be here in a tick. | No, I'll be fine. Taxi'll be here in a tick. |
204 | 00:15:03,640 | 00:15:06,678 | You two get along, have an early night. | You two get along, have an early night. |
205 | 00:15:06,920 | 00:15:07,990 | I'll phone you tomorrow. | I'll phone you tomorrow. |
206 | 00:15:08,080 | 00:15:09,400 | -Night. -Good night. | -Night. -Good night. |
207 | 00:15:09,600 | 00:15:11,273 | Can I get you a drink, madam? | Can I get you a drink, madam? |
208 | 00:15:11,360 | 00:15:15,638 | -Okay, I'll have white wine, please. -Thank you. | -Okay, I'll have white wine, please. -Thank you. |
209 | 00:15:33,760 | 00:15:35,319 | -Hello... -Good morning. | -Hello... -Good morning. |
210 | 00:15:35,400 | 00:15:38,552 | ...do you suffer from a clenched colon? | ...do you suffer from a clenched colon? |
211 | 00:15:38,640 | 00:15:39,755 | I beg your pardon? | I beg your pardon? |
212 | 00:15:39,840 | 00:15:43,913 | Does your skirt feel too tight after a heavy meal and your tummy all puffed up | Does your skirt feel too tight after a heavy meal and your tummy all puffed up |
213 | 00:15:44,000 | 00:15:45,752 | like it's about to explode? | like it's about to explode? |
214 | 00:15:45,840 | 00:15:49,720 | Well, you could be one of thousands of women in Britain today | Well, you could be one of thousands of women in Britain today |
215 | 00:15:49,800 | 00:15:53,430 | who suffer the misery and social embarrassment of IBS. | who suffer the misery and social embarrassment of IBS. |
216 | 00:15:53,520 | 00:15:56,512 | Well, Derek Pangloss has kindly popped in to talk to us all about this. Derek... | Well, Derek Pangloss has kindly popped in to talk to us all about this. Derek... |
217 | 00:15:56,600 | 00:15:58,637 | (ON TV) ...in which the normal operation of the bowel has | (ON TV) ...in which the normal operation of the bowel has |
218 | 00:15:58,720 | 00:16:00,791 | for some reason become impaired. The normal.. | for some reason become impaired. The normal.. |
219 | 00:16:00,880 | 00:16:02,279 | What's going on here? | What's going on here? |
220 | 00:16:02,360 | 00:16:06,513 | Mrs Aylesbury's mother across the road rang up to say her TV is on the blink | Mrs Aylesbury's mother across the road rang up to say her TV is on the blink |
221 | 00:16:06,640 | 00:16:11,510 | and would we mind if she watched an item on irritable bowel syndrome through her binoculars? | and would we mind if she watched an item on irritable bowel syndrome through her binoculars? |
222 | 00:16:11,600 | 00:16:14,194 | She's virtually house-bound, you know. And she suffers from... | She's virtually house-bound, you know. And she suffers from... |
223 | 00:16:14,280 | 00:16:15,270 | (VOICE SQUEAKING ON PHONE) | (VOICE SQUEAKING ON PHONE) |
224 | 00:16:15,360 | 00:16:17,192 | -...or like somebody standing on a hosepipe? -Exactly. | -...or like somebody standing on a hosepipe? -Exactly. |
225 | 00:16:17,280 | 00:16:18,350 | Hello? | Hello? |
226 | 00:16:19,480 | 00:16:23,439 | Oh, yes, right. Sorry. | Oh, yes, right. Sorry. |
227 | 00:16:28,480 | 00:16:31,711 | Who were you trying to ring? | Who were you trying to ring? |
228 | 00:16:31,800 | 00:16:34,440 | Well, I was going to have another go at those wallpaper merchants | Well, I was going to have another go at those wallpaper merchants |
229 | 00:16:34,520 | 00:16:38,479 | but I suppose it can wait. I've got to be on my way anyway. | but I suppose it can wait. I've got to be on my way anyway. |
230 | 00:16:39,200 | 00:16:42,113 | You won't forget to call in on that artist on your way | You won't forget to call in on that artist on your way |
231 | 00:16:42,200 | 00:16:45,033 | and see if you can get something for Patrick's birthday. | and see if you can get something for Patrick's birthday. |
232 | 00:16:45,120 | 00:16:47,794 | If he's there, yes. | If he's there, yes. |
233 | 00:16:47,960 | 00:16:50,634 | ...tough muscular tract whose principal function, | ...tough muscular tract whose principal function, |
234 | 00:16:50,720 | 00:16:52,313 | the absorption of all the water... | the absorption of all the water... |
235 | 00:16:52,400 | 00:16:53,470 | (VICTOR HUFFING) | (VICTOR HUFFING) |
236 | 00:16:53,560 | 00:16:54,834 | ...in their diet... | ...in their diet... |
237 | 00:17:06,160 | 00:17:09,391 | I suppose you know you're going to go right through that thing in a minute, | I suppose you know you're going to go right through that thing in a minute, |
238 | 00:17:09,480 | 00:17:11,073 | puncture the cabinet. | puncture the cabinet. |
239 | 00:17:11,160 | 00:17:12,150 | PATRICK: Mmm-hmm. | PATRICK: Mmm-hmm. |
240 | 00:17:28,720 | 00:17:33,635 | "Congratulations on choosing the new advanced miracle freezer that will never need defrosting.” | "Congratulations on choosing the new advanced miracle freezer that will never need defrosting.” |
241 | 00:17:35,560 | 00:17:37,358 | (DOORBELL BUZZING) | (DOORBELL BUZZING) |
242 | 00:17:40,080 | 00:17:41,070 | (HISSING) | (HISSING) |
243 | 00:17:42,360 | 00:17:46,354 | PIPPA: Margaret! I wasn't expecting you this morning. | PIPPA: Margaret! I wasn't expecting you this morning. |
244 | 00:17:46,720 | 00:17:51,237 | Well, I'm actually between house calls, but as I was in the area, I thought... | Well, I'm actually between house calls, but as I was in the area, I thought... |
245 | 00:17:51,320 | 00:17:53,789 | A cup of coffee wouldn't go amiss. | A cup of coffee wouldn't go amiss. |
246 | 00:17:57,000 | 00:17:58,399 | Where are you off to? | Where are you off to? |
247 | 00:17:58,480 | 00:18:00,596 | Just popping out for a second...freezer. | Just popping out for a second...freezer. |
248 | 00:18:00,680 | 00:18:03,479 | -What? -Just popping out for a second freezer, | -What? -Just popping out for a second freezer, |
249 | 00:18:03,560 | 00:18:06,996 | in case the first one packs up. Which, of course, it has. | in case the first one packs up. Which, of course, it has. |
250 | 00:18:07,080 | 00:18:11,517 | Bloody freezers. So, erm, I'll see you later, Mrs Meldrew. Are you well? | Bloody freezers. So, erm, I'll see you later, Mrs Meldrew. Are you well? |
251 | 00:18:14,720 | 00:18:17,838 | Well, you got back safe and sound, anyway, | Well, you got back safe and sound, anyway, |
252 | 00:18:17,920 | 00:18:20,355 | after last night's fun and games. | after last night's fun and games. |
253 | 00:18:20,720 | 00:18:25,430 | Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. | Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. |
254 | 00:18:27,600 | 00:18:29,318 | (STUTTERING) What do you mean? What is it? | (STUTTERING) What do you mean? What is it? |
255 | 00:18:29,400 | 00:18:30,993 | Why? What happened? | Why? What happened? |
256 | 00:18:31,240 | 00:18:36,076 | After you'd gone, I got chatting to this bloke, didn't I, in the bar? | After you'd gone, I got chatting to this bloke, didn't I, in the bar? |
257 | 00:18:36,880 | 00:18:40,077 | His name was Warren, he was there on his own and... | His name was Warren, he was there on his own and... |
258 | 00:18:42,360 | 00:18:45,000 | Oh, God! Pippa! | Oh, God! Pippa! |
259 | 00:18:45,360 | 00:18:49,194 | His wife was away on business. He said, did I want to come back for coffee? | His wife was away on business. He said, did I want to come back for coffee? |
260 | 00:18:49,480 | 00:18:54,395 | I said, as long as it wasn't unprotected coffee, all right then. | I said, as long as it wasn't unprotected coffee, all right then. |
261 | 00:18:54,680 | 00:18:57,718 | And about 55 brandies later... | And about 55 brandies later... |
262 | 00:18:57,800 | 00:19:00,792 | I don't know if you've ever had sex under anaesthetic. | I don't know if you've ever had sex under anaesthetic. |
263 | 00:19:01,520 | 00:19:04,114 | Now, here's the killer, Margaret. | Now, here's the killer, Margaret. |
264 | 00:19:04,400 | 00:19:06,755 | When I was in the cab coming home, | When I was in the cab coming home, |
265 | 00:19:06,960 | 00:19:10,794 | I found he'd slipped a £20 note into my pocket. | I found he'd slipped a £20 note into my pocket. |
266 | 00:19:11,000 | 00:19:14,038 | -For your taxi fare, I suppose. -Or something else? | -For your taxi fare, I suppose. -Or something else? |
267 | 00:19:14,480 | 00:19:16,835 | Margaret, he picked me up in that restaurant. | Margaret, he picked me up in that restaurant. |
268 | 00:19:17,040 | 00:19:19,714 | What if he thought I was part of the merchandise? | What if he thought I was part of the merchandise? |
269 | 00:19:21,440 | 00:19:22,919 | Twenty pounds? | Twenty pounds? |
270 | 00:19:23,000 | 00:19:24,752 | A loss leader? | A loss leader? |
271 | 00:19:25,520 | 00:19:28,956 | The thing is, I've got to know one way or the other, | The thing is, I've got to know one way or the other, |
272 | 00:19:29,200 | 00:19:32,113 | being a bit of cheap trade I could just about deal with, | being a bit of cheap trade I could just about deal with, |
273 | 00:19:32,280 | 00:19:35,272 | I've had all sorts of crap jobs in my time, | I've had all sorts of crap jobs in my time, |
274 | 00:19:35,360 | 00:19:39,240 | but if I found out I was having an affair last night. | but if I found out I was having an affair last night. |
275 | 00:19:39,440 | 00:19:42,990 | Well, that's why I've got to see him again. I've got to find out | Well, that's why I've got to see him again. I've got to find out |
276 | 00:19:43,640 | 00:19:46,632 | one way or the other, for my own sanity. | one way or the other, for my own sanity. |
277 | 00:19:48,960 | 00:19:52,840 | Here we go, then. That's the last of them. | Here we go, then. That's the last of them. |
278 | 00:19:53,360 | 00:19:56,159 | Now, it's fantastic! | Now, it's fantastic! |
279 | 00:19:56,400 | 00:20:00,155 | I think sir is going to be well pleased when he gets back. | I think sir is going to be well pleased when he gets back. |
280 | 00:20:00,240 | 00:20:01,275 | (DOORBELL RINGING) | (DOORBELL RINGING) |
281 | 00:20:01,360 | 00:20:03,271 | Oh, is that the front door? | Oh, is that the front door? |
282 | 00:20:03,440 | 00:20:05,192 | I'll leave you to it, then. | I'll leave you to it, then. |
283 | 00:20:05,280 | 00:20:07,430 | If you need anything, give me a shout. | If you need anything, give me a shout. |
284 | 00:20:10,560 | 00:20:14,394 | As I said Mr Jarvis is away at the moment in South Africa. | As I said Mr Jarvis is away at the moment in South Africa. |
285 | 00:20:14,560 | 00:20:18,315 | But anything you wanted to make an offer on I could give him a call. | But anything you wanted to make an offer on I could give him a call. |
286 | 00:20:18,720 | 00:20:22,350 | These would all go for about 700 or 800 in a gallery. | These would all go for about 700 or 800 in a gallery. |
287 | 00:20:25,200 | 00:20:30,149 | Well, as I say, it's for a friend, and I'm not quite sure how much she's prepared to spend. | Well, as I say, it's for a friend, and I'm not quite sure how much she's prepared to spend. |
288 | 00:20:30,520 | 00:20:34,070 | Of course, his international profile is rising all the time. | Of course, his international profile is rising all the time. |
289 | 00:20:34,160 | 00:20:37,073 | Chiefly because he's such a perfectionist. | Chiefly because he's such a perfectionist. |
290 | 00:20:37,760 | 00:20:41,469 | Any canvas he is even remotely unhappy with, that's it. | Any canvas he is even remotely unhappy with, that's it. |
291 | 00:20:41,640 | 00:20:43,870 | Out it goes. Trash. | Out it goes. Trash. |
292 | 00:21:01,200 | 00:21:02,918 | Ah, amazing, isn't it? | Ah, amazing, isn't it? |
293 | 00:21:03,040 | 00:21:07,159 | Something like this can be just thrown away when you think of what some people would pay for it. | Something like this can be just thrown away when you think of what some people would pay for it. |
294 | 00:21:07,720 | 00:21:11,111 | Well, it's only going in the skip. If you can find a use for it... | Well, it's only going in the skip. If you can find a use for it... |
295 | 00:21:11,800 | 00:21:13,154 | Oh, really? | Oh, really? |
296 | 00:21:22,320 | 00:21:25,950 | Absolutely hideous! | Absolutely hideous! |
297 | 00:21:28,360 | 00:21:31,591 | You honestly think Patrick will want this on his wall? | You honestly think Patrick will want this on his wall? |
298 | 00:21:32,560 | 00:21:34,358 | What's it meant to be? | What's it meant to be? |
299 | 00:21:34,440 | 00:21:37,717 | It's not meant to be anything. It's an abstract. | It's not meant to be anything. It's an abstract. |
300 | 00:21:37,800 | 00:21:40,189 | It's different things to different people. | It's different things to different people. |
301 | 00:21:40,680 | 00:21:45,072 | I thought I might just give it a simple black frame and it could be a present to him from us. | I thought I might just give it a simple black frame and it could be a present to him from us. |
302 | 00:21:46,200 | 00:21:49,795 | It stinks to high heaven, I know that much. | It stinks to high heaven, I know that much. |
303 | 00:21:50,080 | 00:21:53,232 | You say people pay 700 quid for this? | You say people pay 700 quid for this? |
304 | 00:21:53,720 | 00:21:56,314 | They must be out of their tiny minds! | They must be out of their tiny minds! |
305 | 00:22:00,200 | 00:22:02,794 | Ha! You know why? | Ha! You know why? |
306 | 00:22:03,280 | 00:22:05,078 | It's upside down. | It's upside down. |
307 | 00:22:09,160 | 00:22:11,913 | (STUTTERING) But, no, Mr Withers, don't you think you should... | (STUTTERING) But, no, Mr Withers, don't you think you should... |
308 | 00:22:13,680 | 00:22:17,594 | No. Right. Okay, then, bye. | No. Right. Okay, then, bye. |
309 | 00:22:19,680 | 00:22:22,957 | That's 16 people all called to cancel now. | That's 16 people all called to cancel now. |
310 | 00:22:23,680 | 00:22:25,990 | Why should that happen all of a sudden? | Why should that happen all of a sudden? |
311 | 00:22:26,280 | 00:22:29,910 | Well, maybe there's a rival window cleaner in the area poaching your customers. | Well, maybe there's a rival window cleaner in the area poaching your customers. |
312 | 00:22:31,320 | 00:22:34,119 | You know, I think it's starting to grow on me. | You know, I think it's starting to grow on me. |
313 | 00:22:34,760 | 00:22:38,151 | The more you look at it, the more you see what he was trying to get at. | The more you look at it, the more you see what he was trying to get at. |
314 | 00:22:39,160 | 00:22:44,155 | The way the colours are all quite skilfully arranged, the more you study it. | The way the colours are all quite skilfully arranged, the more you study it. |
315 | 00:22:45,400 | 00:22:49,359 | If it goes on like this, I won't have any more calls left before long. | If it goes on like this, I won't have any more calls left before long. |
316 | 00:22:53,560 | 00:22:54,789 | Thanks. | Thanks. |
317 | 00:22:55,080 | 00:22:58,436 | Might have to start and sell my body to that Chinese restaurant. | Might have to start and sell my body to that Chinese restaurant. |
318 | 00:23:02,120 | 00:23:04,191 | God! Victor! | God! Victor! |
319 | 00:23:05,000 | 00:23:09,915 | Leave it to me. I'll sort it. Oh! Just eat your tea. | Leave it to me. I'll sort it. Oh! Just eat your tea. |
320 | 00:23:21,200 | 00:23:24,955 | I saw a programme once where they took three months | I saw a programme once where they took three months |
321 | 00:23:25,440 | 00:23:27,829 | to restore a damaged Rembrandt. | to restore a damaged Rembrandt. |
322 | 00:23:28,200 | 00:23:31,192 | If I can just get the worst of it off before it dries. | If I can just get the worst of it off before it dries. |
323 | 00:23:41,600 | 00:23:43,034 | That does it. | That does it. |
324 | 00:23:45,080 | 00:23:46,673 | What is it now! | What is it now! |
325 | 00:23:47,400 | 00:23:51,359 | This parish magazine, you'll never believe what they print! | This parish magazine, you'll never believe what they print! |
326 | 00:23:52,080 | 00:23:54,879 | A review of my window cleaning. | A review of my window cleaning. |
327 | 00:23:57,480 | 00:24:02,429 | "In her occasional series about odd-job men, local arts critic Marjorie Quayle | "In her occasional series about odd-job men, local arts critic Marjorie Quayle |
328 | 00:24:02,600 | 00:24:06,195 | "accesses the work of newcomer Victor Meldrew." | "accesses the work of newcomer Victor Meldrew." |
329 | 00:24:07,200 | 00:24:09,589 | I didn't even know she was one of my customers. | I didn't even know she was one of my customers. |
330 | 00:24:10,160 | 00:24:13,790 | "His squeegee action is limp and flaccid. | "His squeegee action is limp and flaccid. |
331 | 00:24:15,280 | 00:24:18,591 | "His entire subtext mired in cliché, | "His entire subtext mired in cliché, |
332 | 00:24:18,720 | 00:24:22,953 | "where one longs for broad strokes of sparkling clarity, | "where one longs for broad strokes of sparkling clarity, |
333 | 00:24:23,080 | 00:24:27,597 | "Meldrew has nothing to offer but a thoughtless residue of suds. | "Meldrew has nothing to offer but a thoughtless residue of suds. |
334 | 00:24:28,760 | 00:24:31,479 | "As for his technique with the chamois leather, | "As for his technique with the chamois leather, |
335 | 00:24:31,920 | 00:24:34,958 | "I have seen it more deftly manipulated | "I have seen it more deftly manipulated |
336 | 00:24:35,560 | 00:24:37,836 | "on a goat's arse." | "on a goat's arse." |
337 | 00:24:41,760 | 00:24:45,879 | Well, that's a stinker. No wonder your business is dropping off. | Well, that's a stinker. No wonder your business is dropping off. |
338 | 00:24:46,720 | 00:24:50,031 | I'm trying to earn a living, for goodness sake. | I'm trying to earn a living, for goodness sake. |
339 | 00:24:51,280 | 00:24:53,999 | Why have people got to be so cruel? | Why have people got to be so cruel? |
340 | 00:24:59,600 | 00:25:02,672 | That's Liddy. He's a little sweetheart, aren't you? | That's Liddy. He's a little sweetheart, aren't you? |
341 | 00:25:03,120 | 00:25:05,236 | And this here is Segretti. | And this here is Segretti. |
342 | 00:25:05,720 | 00:25:09,350 | And out there, eating the pansies, that's Magruder. | And out there, eating the pansies, that's Magruder. |
343 | 00:25:09,480 | 00:25:12,836 | So, are all your pets named after Watergate conspirators? | So, are all your pets named after Watergate conspirators? |
344 | 00:25:12,920 | 00:25:15,275 | I tell you, it's a fascinating period of American history. | I tell you, it's a fascinating period of American history. |
345 | 00:25:15,360 | 00:25:17,158 | You ever see Al the President's Men? | You ever see Al the President's Men? |
346 | 00:25:17,240 | 00:25:20,835 | Listen, about the other night, | Listen, about the other night, |
347 | 00:25:20,920 | 00:25:24,197 | I had had quite a lot to drink and... | I had had quite a lot to drink and... |
348 | 00:25:24,280 | 00:25:27,557 | warren, can I just stop you there for a second? | warren, can I just stop you there for a second? |
349 | 00:25:27,720 | 00:25:30,314 | That money you put in my purse afterwards. | That money you put in my purse afterwards. |
350 | 00:25:30,400 | 00:25:32,914 | Oh, was more than enough, I hope... | Oh, was more than enough, I hope... |
351 | 00:25:33,280 | 00:25:34,679 | for the taxi. | for the taxi. |
352 | 00:25:35,560 | 00:25:39,315 | Listen, we don't have to feel guilty about this. Either of us. | Listen, we don't have to feel guilty about this. Either of us. |
353 | 00:25:39,400 | 00:25:43,075 | It's just, there comes a time in any marriage when you need a little break. | It's just, there comes a time in any marriage when you need a little break. |
354 | 00:25:43,360 | 00:25:45,920 | When you go abroad for holiday doesn't mean you have to emigrate. | When you go abroad for holiday doesn't mean you have to emigrate. |
355 | 00:25:46,000 | 00:25:50,631 | Yes. Well, I really don't think it's a good idea for us to... | Yes. Well, I really don't think it's a good idea for us to... |
356 | 00:25:51,080 | 00:25:53,390 | Is this your wife? | Is this your wife? |
357 | 00:25:54,040 | 00:25:56,236 | Oh, yes. That's Sally. | Oh, yes. That's Sally. |
358 | 00:25:56,640 | 00:25:59,678 | Bloody hell. She's gorgeous. | Bloody hell. She's gorgeous. |
359 | 00:25:59,960 | 00:26:01,553 | Well, she is | Well, she is |
360 | 00:26:02,440 | 00:26:05,637 | in her own way and you in yours. | in her own way and you in yours. |
361 | 00:26:07,040 | 00:26:10,271 | Few hours from now, she'll be in Geneva. | Few hours from now, she'll be in Geneva. |
362 | 00:26:11,240 | 00:26:12,230 | So... | So... |
363 | 00:26:26,480 | 00:26:29,233 | Warren, I can't. | Warren, I can't. |
364 | 00:26:31,000 | 00:26:31,990 | (CAT MEOWING) | (CAT MEOWING) |
365 | 00:26:34,920 | 00:26:37,150 | Oh. Hi. | Oh. Hi. |
366 | 00:26:37,800 | 00:26:39,473 | Can you believe it? | Can you believe it? |
367 | 00:26:39,560 | 00:26:41,915 | Forget me own head if it wasn't screwed on. | Forget me own head if it wasn't screwed on. |
368 | 00:26:43,200 | 00:26:45,555 | Sorry to interrupt. Bye. | Sorry to interrupt. Bye. |
369 | 00:26:48,800 | 00:26:51,394 | His sister? Oh, you're joking! | His sister? Oh, you're joking! |
370 | 00:26:51,480 | 00:26:54,598 | Apparently they share a house but she's hardly ever there. | Apparently they share a house but she's hardly ever there. |
371 | 00:26:55,040 | 00:26:57,509 | Of course, he wanted me to think he was married. | Of course, he wanted me to think he was married. |
372 | 00:26:57,600 | 00:27:00,752 | That way there was no danger of it getting serious. | That way there was no danger of it getting serious. |
373 | 00:27:01,120 | 00:27:04,829 | I mean, I think that's absolutely the worst kind of cheat, don't you? | I mean, I think that's absolutely the worst kind of cheat, don't you? |
374 | 00:27:04,920 | 00:27:07,958 | Someone who says he's a cheat, when he isn't. | Someone who says he's a cheat, when he isn't. |
375 | 00:27:08,720 | 00:27:13,271 | Anyway, I think I found the perfect softener | Anyway, I think I found the perfect softener |
376 | 00:27:13,440 | 00:27:16,637 | in the shape of Denzel Junior. | in the shape of Denzel Junior. |
377 | 00:27:17,080 | 00:27:18,070 | Yes. | Yes. |
378 | 00:27:18,160 | 00:27:20,549 | You can talk, can't you? | You can talk, can't you? |
379 | 00:27:21,600 | 00:27:24,956 | I'm hoping that with this and Victor's painting | I'm hoping that with this and Victor's painting |
380 | 00:27:25,040 | 00:27:29,432 | he'll be in a good enough mood by tonight for me to broach the dreaded subject. | he'll be in a good enough mood by tonight for me to broach the dreaded subject. |
381 | 00:27:29,600 | 00:27:32,831 | Now, not a peep out of you till I say. | Now, not a peep out of you till I say. |
382 | 00:27:33,840 | 00:27:35,114 | MARGARET: Patrick. | MARGARET: Patrick. |
383 | 00:27:35,640 | 00:27:37,358 | Many happy returns. | Many happy returns. |
384 | 00:27:37,920 | 00:27:40,992 | I think Victor has got a little surprise for you. | I think Victor has got a little surprise for you. |
385 | 00:27:41,080 | 00:27:42,070 | Upstairs. | Upstairs. |
386 | 00:27:48,720 | 00:27:51,678 | Well I, erm... I don't know what to say. | Well I, erm... I don't know what to say. |
387 | 00:27:52,640 | 00:27:54,392 | Rather taken aback. | Rather taken aback. |
388 | 00:27:55,200 | 00:27:57,714 | I suppose you're wondering where it came from. | I suppose you're wondering where it came from. |
389 | 00:27:58,280 | 00:27:59,759 | Well, that's right. | Well, that's right. |
390 | 00:28:00,320 | 00:28:02,789 | Couldn't even begin to hazard a guess. | Couldn't even begin to hazard a guess. |
391 | 00:28:04,240 | 00:28:06,800 | The rectum of a very nervous albatross? | The rectum of a very nervous albatross? |
392 | 00:28:08,120 | 00:28:11,351 | Flock of willow warblers with chronic dysentery? | Flock of willow warblers with chronic dysentery? |
393 | 00:28:12,000 | 00:28:14,958 | Yes, I have to say, Mr Meldrew, you certainly haven't lost your touch. | Yes, I have to say, Mr Meldrew, you certainly haven't lost your touch. |
394 | 00:28:15,040 | 00:28:17,919 | And when your wife said you had a little surprise lined up for me, | And when your wife said you had a little surprise lined up for me, |
395 | 00:28:18,000 | 00:28:21,356 | I'll admit one or two old favourites did spring to mind. | I'll admit one or two old favourites did spring to mind. |
396 | 00:28:21,440 | 00:28:23,875 | A gift pack of your own worn underpants. | A gift pack of your own worn underpants. |
397 | 00:28:23,960 | 00:28:26,520 | A jeroboam of cat's urine. | A jeroboam of cat's urine. |
398 | 00:28:26,600 | 00:28:30,559 | But, no, for all-round staggering pointlessness, this has to take the biscuit. | But, no, for all-round staggering pointlessness, this has to take the biscuit. |
399 | 00:28:30,920 | 00:28:33,673 | What are you saying? You don't like it? | What are you saying? You don't like it? |
400 | 00:28:34,040 | 00:28:37,510 | Mrs Meldrew, what is there to like? It's excrement. | Mrs Meldrew, what is there to like? It's excrement. |
401 | 00:28:38,920 | 00:28:42,197 | Oh, how very gracious of you to say so. | Oh, how very gracious of you to say so. |
402 | 00:28:42,480 | 00:28:44,391 | I don't know why I bother sometimes. | I don't know why I bother sometimes. |
403 | 00:28:44,600 | 00:28:47,911 | You try and build bridges, and what happens? I should have known better. | You try and build bridges, and what happens? I should have known better. |
404 | 00:28:48,000 | 00:28:51,470 | -Victor! -You're not gonna leave this here? | -Victor! -You're not gonna leave this here? |
405 | 00:28:51,720 | 00:28:53,631 | What is it? What's happening? | What is it? What's happening? |
406 | 00:28:53,720 | 00:28:56,314 | How do you even attempt to get inside a mind like that? | How do you even attempt to get inside a mind like that? |
407 | 00:28:56,400 | 00:29:00,951 | It's not just the fact that he brings me a sheet of plywood splattered with bird shit for my birthday, | It's not just the fact that he brings me a sheet of plywood splattered with bird shit for my birthday, |
408 | 00:29:01,040 | 00:29:05,159 | but for some reason he imagines he can take the curse off the smell | but for some reason he imagines he can take the curse off the smell |
409 | 00:29:05,240 | 00:29:07,709 | with trace elements of tomato ketchup. | with trace elements of tomato ketchup. |
410 | 00:29:08,480 | 00:29:10,710 | Well, I'm sorry, but it's not staying here. | Well, I'm sorry, but it's not staying here. |
411 | 00:29:16,040 | 00:29:19,237 | I'm sorry, I think I forgot my drill. | I'm sorry, I think I forgot my drill. |
412 | 00:29:19,360 | 00:29:20,759 | (SILENCE) | (SILENCE) |
413 | 00:29:21,480 | 00:29:23,357 | (BARKING) | (BARKING) |
414 | 00:29:40,360 | 00:29:43,000 | Well, I don't know.. | Well, I don't know.. |
415 | 00:29:43,240 | 00:29:46,198 | We knew the artist wasn't happy with it | We knew the artist wasn't happy with it |
416 | 00:29:46,760 | 00:29:51,152 | but, as you say, why do people have to be so horribly critical? | but, as you say, why do people have to be so horribly critical? |
417 | 00:29:52,480 | 00:29:54,596 | How many cancellations now? | How many cancellations now? |
418 | 00:29:54,680 | 00:29:58,036 | More than enough, I think, to convince me I should chuck it all in. | More than enough, I think, to convince me I should chuck it all in. |
419 | 00:29:58,640 | 00:30:01,632 | Thank you very much, Marjorie Quayle. | Thank you very much, Marjorie Quayle. |
420 | 00:30:03,400 | 00:30:06,279 | I still can't credit that thing with Pippa, you know? | I still can't credit that thing with Pippa, you know? |
421 | 00:30:06,760 | 00:30:10,993 | That she could do something like that without knowing whether she's been used or not. | That she could do something like that without knowing whether she's been used or not. |
422 | 00:30:11,080 | 00:30:14,436 | -You'd think it'd be obvious at the time... -For some men, the height of sexual arousal... | -You'd think it'd be obvious at the time... -For some men, the height of sexual arousal... |
423 | 00:30:14,520 | 00:30:16,750 | -...can only be achieved... -...something odd was going on. | -...can only be achieved... -...something odd was going on. |
424 | 00:30:16,840 | 00:30:18,797 | ...by being pampered like a baby. | ...by being pampered like a baby. |
425 | 00:30:18,880 | 00:30:20,678 | People might say I'm abusing the system | People might say I'm abusing the system |
426 | 00:30:20,760 | 00:30:23,593 | to indulge my own erotic fantasies | to indulge my own erotic fantasies |
427 | 00:30:24,440 | 00:30:28,354 | but I'm paying for a service, she's providing one. Who's getting hurt? | but I'm paying for a service, she's providing one. Who's getting hurt? |
428 | 00:30:29,480 | 00:30:32,472 | The fact that to her, it is not a game | The fact that to her, it is not a game |
429 | 00:30:32,560 | 00:30:35,473 | is what makes it all so terribly exciting. | is what makes it all so terribly exciting. |
430 | 00:30:35,640 | 00:30:36,630 | MARGARET: Mr Jefferson? | MARGARET: Mr Jefferson? |
431 | 00:30:37,720 | 00:30:40,075 | Here she is now, so... | Here she is now, so... |
432 | 00:30:42,600 | 00:30:45,956 | Morning, Mr Jefferson. How are the fingers today? | Morning, Mr Jefferson. How are the fingers today? |
433 | 00:30:46,080 | 00:30:48,993 | Would you like a hand getting out of your pyjamas? | Would you like a hand getting out of your pyjamas? |
434 | 00:30:49,400 | 00:30:51,311 | You're all bathed and dressed. | You're all bathed and dressed. |
435 | 00:30:51,760 | 00:30:54,229 | I thought we might try this new talcum-powder today, | I thought we might try this new talcum-powder today, |
436 | 00:30:54,320 | 00:30:56,391 | see if it makes a difference to the itching. | see if it makes a difference to the itching. |
437 | 00:30:59,480 | 00:31:02,598 | Now, I'm just going to ease your legs over the side. | Now, I'm just going to ease your legs over the side. |
438 | 00:31:02,880 | 00:31:04,632 | Then I think I can... | Then I think I can... |
439 | 00:31:05,000 | 00:31:06,434 | Just wriggle these off for you. | Just wriggle these off for you. |
440 | 00:31:07,720 | 00:31:09,631 | There we go. | There we go. |
441 | 00:31:09,800 | 00:31:11,154 | And up we get. | And up we get. |
442 | 00:31:16,800 | 00:31:19,394 | You're going to feel a bit stiff after everything today. | You're going to feel a bit stiff after everything today. |
443 | 00:31:19,480 | 00:31:22,359 | So just have a good night's rest | So just have a good night's rest |
444 | 00:31:22,440 | 00:31:24,750 | and let those bones knit back together. | and let those bones knit back together. |
445 | 00:31:28,440 | 00:31:31,432 | That's one birthday I won't be sorry to put behind me. | That's one birthday I won't be sorry to put behind me. |
446 | 00:31:31,520 | 00:31:32,840 | Yes. | Yes. |
447 | 00:31:33,840 | 00:31:35,274 | By the way, | By the way, |
448 | 00:31:35,800 | 00:31:38,394 | I met a bloke the other night at that restaurant, | I met a bloke the other night at that restaurant, |
449 | 00:31:38,480 | 00:31:42,030 | I was quite drunk and it didn't mean anything, | I was quite drunk and it didn't mean anything, |
450 | 00:31:42,120 | 00:31:46,034 | but we went back to his house afterwards and made mad, passionate love together. | but we went back to his house afterwards and made mad, passionate love together. |
451 | 00:31:46,120 | 00:31:49,431 | I won't do it again. Ni-night. | I won't do it again. Ni-night. |
452 | 00:31:53,280 | 00:31:55,749 | (PATRICK LAUGHING LOUDLY IN A FORCED MANNER) | (PATRICK LAUGHING LOUDLY IN A FORCED MANNER) |
453 | 00:32:03,040 | 00:32:05,953 | # They say I might as well face the truth | # They say I might as well face the truth |
454 | 00:32:06,040 | 00:32:09,476 | # That I am just too long in the tooth | # That I am just too long in the tooth |
455 | 00:32:09,920 | 00:32:12,912 | # I've started to deteriorate | # I've started to deteriorate |
456 | 00:32:13,400 | 00:32:16,552 | # And now I've passed my own sell-by date | # And now I've passed my own sell-by date |
457 | 00:32:16,720 | 00:32:19,838 | # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true | # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true |
458 | 00:32:20,440 | 00:32:23,717 | # I have to pop my teeth in to chew | # I have to pop my teeth in to chew |
459 | 00:32:23,920 | 00:32:26,833 | # And my old knees have started to knock | # And my old knees have started to knock |
460 | 00:32:26,960 | 00:32:30,351 | # I've just got too many miles on the clock | # I've just got too many miles on the clock |
461 | 00:32:30,640 | 00:32:34,679 | # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways | # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways |
462 | 00:32:34,800 | 00:32:38,111 | # It's true that my body has seen better days | # It's true that my body has seen better days |
463 | 00:32:38,240 | 00:32:41,756 | # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave | # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave |
464 | 00:32:42,280 | 00:32:44,476 | # One foot in the grave | # One foot in the grave |
465 | 00:32:45,720 | 00:32:47,791 | # One foot in the grave | # One foot in the grave |
466 | 00:32:49,160 | 00:32:52,471 | # One foot in the grave # | # One foot in the grave # |