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1 00:00:40,000 00:00:41,960 I thought we were in Australia. I thought we were in Australia.
2 00:00:42,560 00:00:44,640 What the fuck am I doing on a camel? What the fuck am I doing on a camel?
3 00:00:46,400 00:00:47,640 Don't get the hump. Don't get the hump.
4 00:00:49,920 00:00:52,320 Jack, as a professional comedian, Jack, as a professional comedian,
5 00:00:52,400 00:00:55,320 you have now hit, I would say, an all-time low. you have now hit, I would say, an all-time low.
6 00:00:55,400 00:00:56,280 What? What?
7 00:00:56,360 00:00:59,120 The most pathetic, cheap joke. The most pathetic, cheap joke.
8 00:00:59,200 00:01:01,760 The hump is so much squidgier than I thought. The hump is so much squidgier than I thought.
9 00:01:01,840 00:01:03,680 That is my bottom. That is my bottom.
10 00:01:03,760 00:01:05,400 -Oh, sorry. -Fuck off. -Oh, sorry. -Fuck off.
11 00:01:05,960 00:01:07,680 You thought that was the hump? You thought that was the hump?
12 00:01:07,760 00:01:09,800 Well, I wondered why it was so squidgy. Well, I wondered why it was so squidgy.
13 00:01:37,480 00:01:40,200 - Oh, yes. - And matching jackets. I love it. - Oh, yes. - And matching jackets. I love it.
14 00:01:40,280 00:01:43,800 Now, Jack is out taking his antics down under, filming a new season Now, Jack is out taking his antics down under, filming a new season
15 00:01:43,880 00:01:47,080 of the show here ahead of his stand-up tour, Stood Up. of the show here ahead of his stand-up tour, Stood Up.
16 00:01:47,160 00:01:48,960 He joins us here this morning. Jack, welcome. He joins us here this morning. Jack, welcome.
17 00:01:49,040 00:01:53,120 I'm out here in Australia doing my international stand-up tour. I'm out here in Australia doing my international stand-up tour.
18 00:01:53,920 00:01:55,880 Daddy's come along to see Australia. Daddy's come along to see Australia.
19 00:01:58,360 00:02:01,040 The reason I've come is to support Jack. The reason I've come is to support Jack.
20 00:02:01,120 00:02:03,680 And he will need support, And he will need support,
21 00:02:03,760 00:02:08,320 because I would be surprised if there's a living soul because I would be surprised if there's a living soul
22 00:02:08,400 00:02:11,040 that knows who the fuck he is in Australia. that knows who the fuck he is in Australia.
23 00:02:11,120 00:02:16,120 Oh, look, you've got a little bit of a tan down here, little cheeky monkey. Oh, look, you've got a little bit of a tan down here, little cheeky monkey.
24 00:02:16,920 00:02:18,960 It's quite a stressful moment for our family, It's quite a stressful moment for our family,
25 00:02:19,040 00:02:20,840 'cause my sister is getting married. 'cause my sister is getting married.
26 00:02:20,920 00:02:24,160 I very much feel like I've lost my mantle as the golden child. I very much feel like I've lost my mantle as the golden child.
27 00:02:24,960 00:02:27,920 I hope I'm going to have a nice holiday in Australia, I hope I'm going to have a nice holiday in Australia,
28 00:02:28,000 00:02:29,200 which I doubt. which I doubt.
29 00:02:30,000 00:02:33,400 But I've got to get back for my daughter Molly's wedding. But I've got to get back for my daughter Molly's wedding.
30 00:02:33,480 00:02:34,640 My first-ever gigs were... My first-ever gigs were...
31 00:02:34,720 00:02:38,920 I guess the reality is, while doing a stand-up tour is really exciting, I guess the reality is, while doing a stand-up tour is really exciting,
32 00:02:39,040 00:02:42,000 it can also, sometimes, be a little bit lonely. it can also, sometimes, be a little bit lonely.
33 00:02:42,560 00:02:47,880 And given the choice of drinking my way through an entire minibar full of... And given the choice of drinking my way through an entire minibar full of...
34 00:02:49,000 00:02:53,200 miniatures in a bath and then crying myself to sleep to hotel pornography, miniatures in a bath and then crying myself to sleep to hotel pornography,
35 00:02:54,600 00:02:56,000 or hanging out with Daddy... or hanging out with Daddy...
36 00:02:57,680 00:03:00,240 narrowly, hanging out with Daddy is more preferable. narrowly, hanging out with Daddy is more preferable.
37 00:03:01,560 00:03:05,480 As far as I'm concerned, Australia is the country As far as I'm concerned, Australia is the country
38 00:03:06,000 00:03:08,720 that has given us Mel Gibson... that has given us Mel Gibson...
39 00:03:09,960 00:03:11,440 boxed wine... boxed wine...
40 00:03:12,560 00:03:15,480 and the didgeri-fucking-doo. and the didgeri-fucking-doo.
41 00:03:16,600 00:03:17,440 Why? Why?
42 00:03:37,560 00:03:40,480 - Can I be very honest? - What if I say no? - Can I be very honest? - What if I say no?
43 00:03:40,560 00:03:44,640 This is nothing like I expected when you said we were going on a yacht. This is nothing like I expected when you said we were going on a yacht.
44 00:03:44,720 00:03:46,280 This is a historic yacht tour. This is a historic yacht tour.
45 00:03:46,360 00:03:48,720 I thought you'd like to start with some history, I thought you'd like to start with some history,
46 00:03:48,800 00:03:51,720 learn about how the first settlers came over to Australia. learn about how the first settlers came over to Australia.
47 00:03:51,800 00:03:54,640 Most Australians were descended from convicts. Most Australians were descended from convicts.
48 00:03:54,720 00:03:56,600 -Right. Okay, not this-- No. -So, -Right. Okay, not this-- No. -So,
49 00:03:56,680 00:03:58,800 you know what you're gonna get, don't you? you know what you're gonna get, don't you?
50 00:03:58,880 00:04:00,280 What do you mean, you know? What do you mean, you know?
51 00:04:00,360 00:04:03,200 You know what you're gonna get if you meet an Australian. You know what you're gonna get if you meet an Australian.
52 00:04:03,280 00:04:06,480 I mean, you only have to go down to Fulham Road and see them I mean, you only have to go down to Fulham Road and see them
53 00:04:06,560 00:04:10,000 coming out of pubs, falling over into gutters, coming out of pubs, falling over into gutters,
54 00:04:10,080 00:04:11,600 pissing against the wall. pissing against the wall.
55 00:04:11,920 00:04:13,680 -And that's just the women. -Right. -And that's just the women. -Right.
56 00:04:15,200 00:04:17,040 Daddy, you can't say that. Daddy, you can't say that.
57 00:04:17,120 00:04:18,400 I just did. I just did.
58 00:04:19,240 00:04:21,240 I wonder how your mother's getting on. I wonder how your mother's getting on.
59 00:04:21,840 00:04:23,480 Jack, Michael! Jack, Michael!
60 00:04:24,080 00:04:26,320 -Have you seen the harbor? - Oh, my God! -Have you seen the harbor? - Oh, my God!
61 00:04:26,400 00:04:27,800 It looks amazing. It looks amazing.
62 00:04:27,880 00:04:29,600 What are you doing up there? What are you doing up there?
63 00:04:29,680 00:04:31,520 I'm enjoying the view. I'm enjoying the view.
64 00:04:32,040 00:04:35,080 -Oh, God. Who's that man with you? - It's wonderful. -Oh, God. Who's that man with you? - It's wonderful.
65 00:04:35,720 00:04:37,520 This is my new friend, Mike. This is my new friend, Mike.
66 00:04:37,600 00:04:39,160 We're harnessed together. We're harnessed together.
67 00:04:39,240 00:04:41,640 I hope that's all there is, a harness there, I hope that's all there is, a harness there,
68 00:04:41,720 00:04:44,080 with you wearing those skimpy shorts. with you wearing those skimpy shorts.
69 00:04:44,640 00:04:47,200 What are you holding there? Those your underclothes? What are you holding there? Those your underclothes?
70 00:04:47,280 00:04:48,520 - No! -What? - No! -What?
71 00:04:49,760 00:04:51,600 It's my scarf. It's my scarf.
72 00:04:51,680 00:04:53,760 It's not actually yours. It's my scarf. It's not actually yours. It's my scarf.
73 00:04:53,840 00:04:55,400 I know. I nearly lost it. I know. I nearly lost it.
74 00:04:55,480 00:04:56,840 Well, don't lose it. Well, don't lose it.
75 00:04:56,920 00:04:58,600 I won't. I've got it. I won't. I've got it.
76 00:05:00,560 00:05:04,160 Mommy's only joining us for Sydney. She has to get back for wedding prep. Mommy's only joining us for Sydney. She has to get back for wedding prep.
77 00:05:04,240 00:05:06,680 But while she's here, she's going to, well... But while she's here, she's going to, well...
78 00:05:06,760 00:05:07,920 mother us. mother us.
79 00:05:08,000 00:05:10,400 -Let's get some mossie stuff-- - Mom, I think you got it. -Let's get some mossie stuff-- - Mom, I think you got it.
80 00:05:10,480 00:05:11,800 They're vicious. Oh. They're vicious. Oh.
81 00:05:13,040 00:05:14,080 Hang on. Oh. Hang on. Oh.
82 00:05:14,640 00:05:15,800 Did you put some on? Did you put some on?
83 00:05:15,880 00:05:17,000 Yeah, I applied some earlier. Yeah, I applied some earlier.
84 00:05:17,080 00:05:19,880 -Do not believe you. I don't believe you. -I did. I can put it on myself. -Do not believe you. I don't believe you. -I did. I can put it on myself.
85 00:05:19,960 00:05:22,840 -No, you can't. I don't trust you. -I don't need my mother. I'm 31. -No, you can't. I don't trust you. -I don't need my mother. I'm 31.
86 00:05:22,920 00:05:25,280 -I know you'll lose it. -I don't need it applied by my mother. -I know you'll lose it. -I don't need it applied by my mother.
87 00:05:25,360 00:05:26,640 -Did you get some on? -No! -Did you get some on? -No!
88 00:05:26,720 00:05:30,160 -Put some on your ankles. They're vicious. -I do not want that on me. -Put some on your ankles. They're vicious. -I do not want that on me.
89 00:05:30,240 00:05:31,320 Take it away. Take it away.
90 00:05:31,400 00:05:33,560 He's running. I've never seen him run before. He's running. I've never seen him run before.
91 00:05:33,640 00:05:35,280 -Arms. -Get it under that trouser leg. -Arms. -Get it under that trouser leg.
92 00:05:35,360 00:05:37,000 -No! -To be fair, Mother, it's true. -No! -To be fair, Mother, it's true.
93 00:05:37,080 00:05:40,160 -They are vicious. Get him. -No, I don't want it on me. -They are vicious. Get him. -No, I don't want it on me.
94 00:05:40,240 00:05:41,160 Arms, arms, arms! Arms, arms, arms!
95 00:05:42,160 00:05:45,240 Having showered off all that rank-smelling spray at the hotel, Having showered off all that rank-smelling spray at the hotel,
96 00:05:45,320 00:05:48,360 where best to take my dear old parents next on their tour of the harbor where best to take my dear old parents next on their tour of the harbor
97 00:05:48,440 00:05:50,160 than somewhere steeped in history? than somewhere steeped in history?
98 00:05:50,240 00:05:51,520 The Sydney Opera House. The Sydney Opera House.
99 00:05:53,800 00:05:57,680 Built in 1959, it is the home of Australian culture, Built in 1959, it is the home of Australian culture,
100 00:05:57,760 00:06:00,680 two words Daddy says you can't put together in a sentence. two words Daddy says you can't put together in a sentence.
101 00:06:03,120 00:06:05,280 This is our salad with stracciatella, This is our salad with stracciatella,
102 00:06:05,360 00:06:06,840 pistachio falafel. pistachio falafel.
103 00:06:06,920 00:06:08,560 -Wow. -This is our Wagyu tartare. -Wow. -This is our Wagyu tartare.
104 00:06:08,640 00:06:11,120 -Wow! Look at that. -And this is our ocean trout. -Wow! Look at that. -And this is our ocean trout.
105 00:06:11,200 00:06:12,680 Delicious. Look at that. Delicious. Look at that.
106 00:06:12,760 00:06:15,200 -No, we don't need pictures. -Yes, I have to take pictures. -No, we don't need pictures. -Yes, I have to take pictures.
107 00:06:15,280 00:06:18,760 -Who cares about pictures of your food? - I'm gonna send them to-- -Who cares about pictures of your food? - I'm gonna send them to--
108 00:06:18,840 00:06:21,280 -You're not having a picture of my food. -I'm getting one. -You're not having a picture of my food. -I'm getting one.
109 00:06:21,360 00:06:22,640 You're not getting a picture. You're not getting a picture.
110 00:06:23,880 00:06:24,720 Jack! Jack!
111 00:06:28,000 00:06:31,640 Anyway, I've got to crack on. Molly and Toby's wedding, very important. Anyway, I've got to crack on. Molly and Toby's wedding, very important.
112 00:06:31,720 00:06:34,560 No, let's just have one meal where we just enjoy a meal No, let's just have one meal where we just enjoy a meal
113 00:06:34,640 00:06:37,000 and each other's company rather than having... and each other's company rather than having...
114 00:06:37,080 00:06:39,240 -Can I just say-- -...a wedding meeting. -Can I just say-- -...a wedding meeting.
115 00:06:39,320 00:06:40,840 Because of the time difference, I have Because of the time difference, I have
116 00:06:40,920 00:06:44,000 -a limited amount of time every day. -We're in the middle of a restaurant. -a limited amount of time every day. -We're in the middle of a restaurant.
117 00:06:44,480 00:06:49,200 I know, but you finish this, we'll wait until the next course comes. I know, but you finish this, we'll wait until the next course comes.
118 00:06:49,280 00:06:52,000 Now, I've got to ask you a couple of questions too. Now, I've got to ask you a couple of questions too.
119 00:06:52,080 00:06:56,080 I've got a few maybe invites here that I just need to go through with Daddy. I've got a few maybe invites here that I just need to go through with Daddy.
120 00:06:56,880 00:06:57,880 What about this one? What about this one?
121 00:06:58,440 00:07:00,600 Oh, no. Don't be ridiculous. Oh, no. Don't be ridiculous.
122 00:07:00,680 00:07:02,760 I'm not being ridiculous. She's sweet. I'm not being ridiculous. She's sweet.
123 00:07:02,840 00:07:04,920 She's an absolute pain in the ass. She's an absolute pain in the ass.
124 00:07:06,400 00:07:08,000 Okay, what about this one, here? Okay, what about this one, here?
125 00:07:09,840 00:07:11,480 I like him. He's sweet. I like him. He's sweet.
126 00:07:12,360 00:07:13,400 He's dead. He's dead.
127 00:07:14,400 00:07:16,360 -Is he? -Yes, he died-- -Is he? -Yes, he died--
128 00:07:16,440 00:07:18,680 I think he died ten years ago. I think he died ten years ago.
129 00:07:18,760 00:07:20,280 -He did not. -He did. -He did not. -He did.
130 00:07:20,360 00:07:23,000 You were going to invite a dead man to Molly's wedding. You were going to invite a dead man to Molly's wedding.
131 00:07:23,080 00:07:26,240 In fact, we were even asked to his funeral, I think. In fact, we were even asked to his funeral, I think.
132 00:07:26,320 00:07:27,560 -I have no-- -And we didn't go. -I have no-- -And we didn't go.
133 00:07:27,640 00:07:30,800 It's kind of rude, if you were asked to his funeral, not to invite him. It's kind of rude, if you were asked to his funeral, not to invite him.
134 00:07:31,200 00:07:33,120 I need you to take this seriously. I need you to take this seriously.
135 00:07:33,200 00:07:35,280 We need a sash round the cake table. We need a sash round the cake table.
136 00:07:35,360 00:07:38,240 -Do we go peach or plum? -Pink. Pink. -Do we go peach or plum? -Pink. Pink.
137 00:07:38,320 00:07:39,920 You know I hate weddings. You know I hate weddings.
138 00:07:40,000 00:07:42,040 -Why do you hate weddings? -I don't know, always have. -Why do you hate weddings? -I don't know, always have.
139 00:07:42,120 00:07:43,960 Is it because you've had so many of your own? Is it because you've had so many of your own?
140 00:07:46,440 00:07:49,880 For the last 15 years, I've gone to weddings on my own For the last 15 years, I've gone to weddings on my own
141 00:07:49,960 00:07:51,840 or with Molly because he just won't come. or with Molly because he just won't come.
142 00:07:51,920 00:07:55,360 You're coming to this one, and I need you to just embrace it. You're coming to this one, and I need you to just embrace it.
143 00:07:55,440 00:07:58,480 Not only is it a party, but it's a party you're throwing. Not only is it a party, but it's a party you're throwing.
144 00:07:59,040 00:08:01,800 You're gonna be doing the speech, you're gonna be greeting people. You're gonna be doing the speech, you're gonna be greeting people.
145 00:08:01,880 00:08:02,920 You're gonna have to dance. You're gonna have to dance.
146 00:08:03,000 00:08:05,760 Why am I greeting people? That's the vicar does that. Why am I greeting people? That's the vicar does that.
147 00:08:05,840 00:08:08,840 -No, you're the host, in the reception. -You're the host of the wedding. -No, you're the host, in the reception. -You're the host of the wedding.
148 00:08:08,920 00:08:12,040 We can't have you just in the corner being rude about all of Mommy's friends. We can't have you just in the corner being rude about all of Mommy's friends.
149 00:08:12,120 00:08:16,000 We need you drifting around the room being the hostess with the mostest. We need you drifting around the room being the hostess with the mostest.
150 00:08:16,320 00:08:17,960 -Eh. -We need you to have more fun -Eh. -We need you to have more fun
151 00:08:18,040 00:08:21,760 at this wedding. You need to be the master of fun. at this wedding. You need to be the master of fun.
152 00:08:23,000 00:08:27,080 And to that end, I actually have something that I think we can do in Sydney... And to that end, I actually have something that I think we can do in Sydney...
153 00:08:27,720 00:08:29,680 -Yeah? -...that would really, really help -Yeah? -...that would really, really help
154 00:08:29,760 00:08:31,720 with bringing out wedding Michael. with bringing out wedding Michael.
155 00:08:31,800 00:08:34,360 -I like the sound of this. -What is it? -I like the sound of this. -What is it?
156 00:08:35,360 00:08:36,720 -A surprise. -Okay. -A surprise. -Okay.
157 00:08:39,000 00:08:40,400 -Thanks so much. -Thank you. -Thanks so much. -Thank you.
158 00:08:40,880 00:08:44,360 Can I ask you which-- I'm doing a sash around the cake table. Can I ask you which-- I'm doing a sash around the cake table.
159 00:08:44,440 00:08:47,160 -Kill me now. -Do you think plum or peach? -Kill me now. -Do you think plum or peach?
160 00:08:47,680 00:08:51,560 While Mommy bores the entire population of Sydney to death about the wedding, While Mommy bores the entire population of Sydney to death about the wedding,
161 00:08:52,080 00:08:54,560 I've brought Daddy to an area called Newtown I've brought Daddy to an area called Newtown
162 00:08:54,640 00:08:57,400 because, if he's going to be a success as the father of the bride, because, if he's going to be a success as the father of the bride,
163 00:08:57,480 00:08:59,600 he needs to loosen up and have fun. he needs to loosen up and have fun.
164 00:08:59,680 00:09:02,240 So we need some people who know all about that... So we need some people who know all about that...
165 00:09:03,320 00:09:04,320 drag queens. drag queens.
166 00:09:07,040 00:09:11,280 Drag artists have a rich history in Australia as early as the 1920s. Drag artists have a rich history in Australia as early as the 1920s.
167 00:09:11,680 00:09:14,640 In the '50s, Dame Edna Everage became a national treasure. In the '50s, Dame Edna Everage became a national treasure.
168 00:09:15,400 00:09:18,080 The Sydney Mardi Gras was born in 1978 The Sydney Mardi Gras was born in 1978
169 00:09:18,160 00:09:21,560 and continues to be one of Australia's biggest tourist attractions. and continues to be one of Australia's biggest tourist attractions.
170 00:09:22,160 00:09:26,160 Helping us transform Michael are three of Sydney's premier drag queens. Helping us transform Michael are three of Sydney's premier drag queens.
171 00:09:26,640 00:09:30,480 Meet Hannah Conda, Carmen Geddit, and Sia Tequila. Meet Hannah Conda, Carmen Geddit, and Sia Tequila.
172 00:09:30,560 00:09:31,800 Brilliant. Brilliant.
173 00:09:32,800 00:09:34,800 - Hello. - Are we in the right place? - Hello. - Are we in the right place?
174 00:09:35,320 00:09:36,920 -Hello. -Hi. -Hello. -Hi.
175 00:09:37,000 00:09:38,640 -Welcome, guys. -How are we? -Welcome, guys. -How are we?
176 00:09:38,720 00:09:40,720 -Very good. Hey, I'm Jack. -I'm Sia. -Very good. Hey, I'm Jack. -I'm Sia.
177 00:09:40,800 00:09:43,840 -Carmen. Nice to meet you. -Hanna. Very nice to meet you. -Carmen. Nice to meet you. -Hanna. Very nice to meet you.
178 00:09:43,920 00:09:46,080 -How can we help, guys? -So our basic problem is -How can we help, guys? -So our basic problem is
179 00:09:46,160 00:09:49,200 that we've got this big family wedding coming up. My sister's getting married. that we've got this big family wedding coming up. My sister's getting married.
180 00:09:49,280 00:09:53,280 So excited. It's gonna be an amazing event. So excited. It's gonna be an amazing event.
181 00:09:53,360 00:09:56,760 There's gonna be a great DJ, party, dance floor. There's gonna be a great DJ, party, dance floor.
182 00:09:56,840 00:09:59,120 -And the problem is this guy-- -...is paying for it all. -And the problem is this guy-- -...is paying for it all.
183 00:09:59,200 00:10:00,800 - No. - No.
184 00:10:00,880 00:10:03,120 - What? -This guy is a buzzkill. - What? -This guy is a buzzkill.
185 00:10:03,560 00:10:05,320 As proven by that last comment. As proven by that last comment.
186 00:10:05,400 00:10:07,280 And I want him to enjoy himself. And I want him to enjoy himself.
187 00:10:07,360 00:10:10,720 I want him on the dance floor. I want him dancing with his daughter. I want him on the dance floor. I want him dancing with his daughter.
188 00:10:10,800 00:10:12,440 I want him living his best life. I want him living his best life.
189 00:10:12,520 00:10:16,000 Do you think drag might be able to help Michael come out of his shell? Do you think drag might be able to help Michael come out of his shell?
190 00:10:16,080 00:10:19,280 Hundred percent. We can crack your shell, don't worry, darling. Hundred percent. We can crack your shell, don't worry, darling.
191 00:10:20,120 00:10:23,360 What are you feeling, Michael? Have you dabbled in the drag? What are you feeling, Michael? Have you dabbled in the drag?
192 00:10:23,440 00:10:24,760 Have you ever dressed in a dress? Have you ever dressed in a dress?
193 00:10:24,840 00:10:28,040 All I did was try and keep you out of that dressing up box. All I did was try and keep you out of that dressing up box.
194 00:10:29,800 00:10:32,200 One question I have about drag is what comes first, One question I have about drag is what comes first,
195 00:10:32,280 00:10:33,360 the dress or the character? the dress or the character?
196 00:10:33,440 00:10:34,400 Either way. Either way.
197 00:10:34,480 00:10:37,120 You lean towards dresses and through that you develop your character. You lean towards dresses and through that you develop your character.
198 00:10:37,200 00:10:39,160 And when-- where does the name... And when-- where does the name...
199 00:10:39,240 00:10:41,800 My original name was very dirty, so they changed it. My original name was very dirty, so they changed it.
200 00:10:41,880 00:10:44,080 It's now Carmen Geddit, which is kinda cute. It's now Carmen Geddit, which is kinda cute.
201 00:10:44,160 00:10:45,320 What was the dirty one? What was the dirty one?
202 00:10:45,400 00:10:46,920 It was Carmen Mabutt. It was Carmen Mabutt.
203 00:10:48,880 00:10:50,000 -Really? -Yeah. -Really? -Yeah.
204 00:10:50,080 00:10:51,400 Very subtle. Very subtle.
205 00:10:53,960 00:10:56,880 I think the next step now is probably to try some stuff on. I think the next step now is probably to try some stuff on.
206 00:10:56,960 00:10:59,280 -Yes. -See what kinda works. -Yes. -See what kinda works.
207 00:10:59,360 00:11:02,280 -Yes. -I don't want anything too gaudy though. -Yes. -I don't want anything too gaudy though.
208 00:11:02,360 00:11:04,960 -No, that's our-- -Something simple and chic. -No, that's our-- -Something simple and chic.
209 00:11:05,600 00:11:08,000 I think if I'm gonna go for it, I should go for it. I think if I'm gonna go for it, I should go for it.
210 00:11:08,080 00:11:10,360 We've got a Disney princess moment over here, Jack. We've got a Disney princess moment over here, Jack.
211 00:11:10,440 00:11:11,640 Oh, my God. That's amazing. Oh, my God. That's amazing.
212 00:11:11,720 00:11:14,160 -That's like Versailles, isn't it? -Exactly what we need. -That's like Versailles, isn't it? -Exactly what we need.
213 00:11:14,240 00:11:16,640 Would you like to walk me into the wedding dressed like that? Would you like to walk me into the wedding dressed like that?
214 00:11:16,720 00:11:17,760 No. No.
215 00:11:17,840 00:11:20,160 -You'll show up the bride, doll. - I know. That's true. -You'll show up the bride, doll. - I know. That's true.
216 00:11:20,720 00:11:22,560 How do you feel about hats? How do you feel about hats?
217 00:11:22,640 00:11:24,280 - I like hats. -Okay. - I like hats. -Okay.
218 00:11:24,360 00:11:25,520 This is a good hat. This is a good hat.
219 00:11:25,600 00:11:26,880 - Daddy. - Yeah. - Daddy. - Yeah.
220 00:11:26,960 00:11:27,800 Ready? Ready?
221 00:11:28,520 00:11:29,680 Here she goes. Here she goes.
222 00:11:30,040 00:11:32,760 -What do you think? -Have you got somebody under there? -What do you think? -Have you got somebody under there?
223 00:11:32,840 00:11:33,720 Daddy! Daddy!
224 00:11:33,800 00:11:35,560 Stop flicking me the finger. Stop flicking me the finger.
225 00:11:35,880 00:11:37,560 -Daddy! -Daddy!
226 00:11:37,640 00:11:39,160 I want to get you in a wig. I want to get you in a wig.
227 00:11:39,240 00:11:40,600 Yeah, we need a wig. Definitely. Yeah, we need a wig. Definitely.
228 00:11:41,080 00:11:43,160 Okay, and now give us a flick back. Okay, and now give us a flick back.
229 00:11:43,240 00:11:45,480 -There we go. -Oh, my God! -There we go. -Oh, my God!
230 00:11:45,920 00:11:47,320 Australian legend. Australian legend.
231 00:11:47,400 00:11:48,880 -Dame Edna. -Dame Edna. -Dame Edna. -Dame Edna.
232 00:11:48,960 00:11:50,440 -Dame Edna. -It's Dame Edna. -Dame Edna. -It's Dame Edna.
233 00:11:50,520 00:11:51,880 You need some spider glasses. You need some spider glasses.
234 00:11:51,960 00:11:52,960 Ta-da. Ta-da.
235 00:11:54,280 00:11:55,720 It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous.
236 00:11:56,720 00:12:00,600 -No, it looks great. -It's a very unusual style, this hair. -No, it looks great. -It's a very unusual style, this hair.
237 00:12:00,680 00:12:03,040 And just go, "Hello, possums." And just go, "Hello, possums."
238 00:12:03,680 00:12:05,080 Hello, possums. Hello, possums.
239 00:12:07,200 00:12:09,440 Can someone come get me out of my corset, please? Can someone come get me out of my corset, please?
240 00:12:09,520 00:12:11,040 -Absolutely, doll. -You little tease. -Absolutely, doll. -You little tease.
241 00:12:11,120 00:12:12,320 Don't have to ask us twice. Don't have to ask us twice.
242 00:12:12,400 00:12:15,760 All right, Michael. Ready? We're gonna make you a ginger, okay? All right, Michael. Ready? We're gonna make you a ginger, okay?
243 00:12:15,840 00:12:20,240 On your head, there we go, glorious. You've done this before. Flick her back. On your head, there we go, glorious. You've done this before. Flick her back.
244 00:12:20,320 00:12:21,680 Ohh. Ohh.
245 00:12:21,760 00:12:23,720 -Spice up your life. -Yes. -Spice up your life. -Yes.
246 00:12:24,680 00:12:25,680 Oh. Oh.
247 00:12:26,240 00:12:28,920 -Oh, my God. We've created a monster. -There we are. -Oh, my God. We've created a monster. -There we are.
248 00:12:29,000 00:12:29,840 Look at her. Look at her.
249 00:12:30,280 00:12:31,760 - Jack. -Yeah. - Jack. -Yeah.
250 00:12:32,120 00:12:34,120 -What about this look? -Oh, my God, yeah. -What about this look? -Oh, my God, yeah.
251 00:12:36,600 00:12:39,400 Drag aside, that makes you look ten years younger. Drag aside, that makes you look ten years younger.
252 00:12:39,920 00:12:43,200 It makes you look like you're an aging rocker. It makes you look like you're an aging rocker.
253 00:12:43,840 00:12:44,800 In a good way. In a good way.
254 00:12:44,880 00:12:47,680 You've got these new skills. We thought it might be more fun You've got these new skills. We thought it might be more fun
255 00:12:47,760 00:12:49,360 to put them in a real life setting. to put them in a real life setting.
256 00:12:49,440 00:12:51,280 -Yeah. -We've got a surprise. -Yeah. -We've got a surprise.
257 00:12:51,720 00:12:54,080 We have hooked you up, and you're gonna be coming We have hooked you up, and you're gonna be coming
258 00:12:54,160 00:12:56,120 to perform in our local drag competition. to perform in our local drag competition.
259 00:12:56,600 00:12:57,800 -How do you feel? -Right. -How do you feel? -Right.
260 00:12:57,880 00:12:59,560 -Are you keen? -Very excited. -Are you keen? -Very excited.
261 00:12:59,640 00:13:02,200 -It will make him very excited, so... -Yeah. -It will make him very excited, so... -Yeah.
262 00:13:02,280 00:13:04,640 -Let's give the fans what they want. -Let's give the fans what they want.
263 00:13:06,480 00:13:08,480 Could you not take that with you to this thing? Could you not take that with you to this thing?
264 00:13:08,560 00:13:11,000 -Why? What's wrong with it? -Confiscate it. -Why? What's wrong with it? -Confiscate it.
265 00:13:16,360 00:13:18,200 I don't know how much I don't know how much
266 00:13:18,280 00:13:22,800 my father is going to throw himself into the performance at this drag night. my father is going to throw himself into the performance at this drag night.
267 00:13:22,880 00:13:24,240 I'm so excited. I'm so excited.
268 00:13:24,320 00:13:27,240 But I fear that I may have to do quite a lot of the heavy lifting. But I fear that I may have to do quite a lot of the heavy lifting.
269 00:13:27,320 00:13:29,560 Before we get to rock out with our frock out, Before we get to rock out with our frock out,
270 00:13:29,640 00:13:32,040 there's the small matter of getting made up. there's the small matter of getting made up.
271 00:13:32,120 00:13:34,680 Can I ask about another technical element of drag? Can I ask about another technical element of drag?
272 00:13:34,760 00:13:36,800 -Yeah, go on. -It still fascinates me. -Yeah, go on. -It still fascinates me.
273 00:13:37,280 00:13:38,600 Talk to me about tucking. Talk to me about tucking.
274 00:13:38,920 00:13:40,520 -Ooh. -Ooh.
275 00:13:40,600 00:13:42,360 You have to have a dick to tuck. You have to have a dick to tuck.
276 00:13:46,200 00:13:48,640 I guess it'll all depend when we get down to the business, I guess it'll all depend when we get down to the business,
277 00:13:48,720 00:13:50,960 see what we have to work with. If you have a larger handle, see what we have to work with. If you have a larger handle,
278 00:13:51,040 00:13:52,800 -it's much easier to tuck. -Yeah. -it's much easier to tuck. -Yeah.
279 00:13:52,880 00:13:55,000 If you have a smaller handle, it's a bit difficult If you have a smaller handle, it's a bit difficult
280 00:13:55,080 00:13:58,760 because you don't have much of a grip on it when you pull back around. because you don't have much of a grip on it when you pull back around.
281 00:13:59,240 00:14:01,240 -And you tape it round the back? -Mm-hmm. -And you tape it round the back? -Mm-hmm.
282 00:14:01,520 00:14:04,640 My problem has always been that I'm very well hung. My problem has always been that I'm very well hung.
283 00:14:07,360 00:14:12,040 And I hoped that I would pass that on to my children. And I hoped that I would pass that on to my children.
284 00:14:12,120 00:14:14,160 Well, obviously my daughter isn't. Well, obviously my daughter isn't.
285 00:14:16,720 00:14:20,320 But my other son, Barney, is extremely well hung. But my other son, Barney, is extremely well hung.
286 00:14:20,400 00:14:21,640 He gets it from his father. He gets it from his father.
287 00:14:21,720 00:14:23,960 -Are you proud of that? -Yes, very proud. -Are you proud of that? -Yes, very proud.
288 00:14:24,040 00:14:26,720 Sadly, Jack didn't inherit that trait. Sadly, Jack didn't inherit that trait.
289 00:14:26,800 00:14:28,760 Oh, my God. Not this again. Oh, my God. Not this again.
290 00:14:28,840 00:14:31,160 - You're obsessed! -So he's never gonna have a problem - You're obsessed! -So he's never gonna have a problem
291 00:14:31,240 00:14:32,520 with "tucking," is it called? with "tucking," is it called?
292 00:14:32,600 00:14:35,120 Is it important for us to come up with a drag name? Is it important for us to come up with a drag name?
293 00:14:35,200 00:14:37,720 Absolutely. How are we gonna introduce you otherwise? Absolutely. How are we gonna introduce you otherwise?
294 00:14:37,800 00:14:40,200 Um, Daddy, have you had any thoughts? Um, Daddy, have you had any thoughts?
295 00:14:40,280 00:14:42,960 -I have to say I haven't, no. -You haven't? -I have to say I haven't, no. -You haven't?
296 00:14:43,040 00:14:45,200 What about if we lean into Michael's... What about if we lean into Michael's...
297 00:14:46,200 00:14:48,000 -conservative nature? -Mm-hmm. -conservative nature? -Mm-hmm.
298 00:14:48,080 00:14:49,120 Such as? Such as?
299 00:14:49,200 00:14:51,920 We could call him "Rachel Prejudice." We could call him "Rachel Prejudice."
300 00:14:54,640 00:14:55,600 "Rachel Slur"? "Rachel Slur"?
301 00:14:56,320 00:14:58,720 -That's a nice one. That's new. -That's not been done. -That's a nice one. That's new. -That's not been done.
302 00:14:58,800 00:15:00,600 Why don't I be "Dixie Normous"? Why don't I be "Dixie Normous"?
303 00:15:00,680 00:15:03,640 I think more likely "Dixie Not-as-big-as-his-brother's." I think more likely "Dixie Not-as-big-as-his-brother's."
304 00:15:03,720 00:15:04,760 Right. Right.
305 00:15:08,880 00:15:12,600 We've come to the famous party area of Oxford Street to the Arq club We've come to the famous party area of Oxford Street to the Arq club
306 00:15:12,680 00:15:14,520 because Hannah and the girls have entered us because Hannah and the girls have entered us
307 00:15:14,600 00:15:16,360 into a notorious talent competition: into a notorious talent competition:
308 00:15:16,440 00:15:18,600 Mini Cooper's Drags to Riches. Mini Cooper's Drags to Riches.
309 00:15:19,400 00:15:22,000 As we wait backstage, I think Daddy's a bit nervous. As we wait backstage, I think Daddy's a bit nervous.
310 00:15:22,880 00:15:24,720 Either that or he's tucked himself in too tight. Either that or he's tucked himself in too tight.
311 00:15:27,720 00:15:30,560 Welcome to Arq Sydney, ladies and gentlemen Welcome to Arq Sydney, ladies and gentlemen
312 00:15:30,640 00:15:33,040 and have we got a special night for you! and have we got a special night for you!
313 00:15:33,480 00:15:36,600 Now, we're gonna meet our contestants. Now, we're gonna meet our contestants.
314 00:15:36,680 00:15:38,800 Each act will take to the stage to perform, Each act will take to the stage to perform,
315 00:15:38,880 00:15:41,120 and the judges will score them out of ten. and the judges will score them out of ten.
316 00:15:42,000 00:15:44,760 And contestant number four! And contestant number four!
317 00:15:45,360 00:15:47,200 Time to reveal our creations. Time to reveal our creations.
318 00:15:47,280 00:15:50,240 I picked this very subtle evening dress and wings. I picked this very subtle evening dress and wings.
319 00:15:51,760 00:15:54,520 Oh, yeah. Flying into your DMs. Oh, yeah. Flying into your DMs.
320 00:15:55,160 00:15:58,720 And there was only one queen Daddy was dressing up as. And there was only one queen Daddy was dressing up as.
321 00:16:01,360 00:16:02,680 Move over, Helen Mirren. Move over, Helen Mirren.
322 00:16:04,320 00:16:05,680 God save her. God save her.
323 00:16:07,200 00:16:09,200 Oh, hello, sweetheart. Oh, hello, sweetheart.
324 00:16:09,640 00:16:11,120 What is your name? What is your name?
325 00:16:11,240 00:16:13,680 You are the most fabulous thing I've ever seen. You are the most fabulous thing I've ever seen.
326 00:16:13,840 00:16:17,040 I am the Queen of England, I am the Queen of England,
327 00:16:17,120 00:16:20,440 and, for some inexplicable reason, and, for some inexplicable reason,
328 00:16:20,520 00:16:22,720 the Queen of Australia as well. the Queen of Australia as well.
329 00:16:27,680 00:16:29,640 And what is your name, sweetheart? And what is your name, sweetheart?
330 00:16:29,720 00:16:32,680 Hello, dear, and g'day, Sydney! Hello, dear, and g'day, Sydney!
331 00:16:34,240 00:16:36,360 My name is Jackie Whitehole. My name is Jackie Whitehole.
332 00:16:36,440 00:16:38,440 So, have you done drag before? So, have you done drag before?
333 00:16:38,520 00:16:41,000 I sashayed out of the womb in a six-inch heel. I sashayed out of the womb in a six-inch heel.
334 00:16:41,720 00:16:42,800 Your poor mother. Your poor mother.
335 00:16:43,800 00:16:44,920 It is her first time, It is her first time,
336 00:16:45,000 00:16:47,800 so, if you see her shaking, it's because she's very nervous, so, if you see her shaking, it's because she's very nervous,
337 00:16:47,880 00:16:49,560 or possibly having a stroke. or possibly having a stroke.
338 00:16:50,040 00:16:53,840 And that's absolutely okay because I'll probably join you. Okay? And that's absolutely okay because I'll probably join you. Okay?
339 00:16:53,920 00:16:56,560 Ladies, if you could please leave the stage. Ladies, if you could please leave the stage.
340 00:17:00,440 00:17:03,000 The fun is about to begin. The fun is about to begin.
341 00:17:03,800 00:17:07,000 Someone is going to walk away with a humongous prize. Someone is going to walk away with a humongous prize.
342 00:17:07,080 00:17:08,440 I'm stuck in the curtain! I'm stuck in the curtain!
343 00:17:09,040 00:17:10,800 What are you doing, you idiot? What are you doing, you idiot?
344 00:17:10,880 00:17:13,480 Now you've ruined the fucking joint as well! Now you've ruined the fucking joint as well!
345 00:17:13,560 00:17:15,440 Why don't you have a wider entrance? Why don't you have a wider entrance?
346 00:17:17,000 00:17:19,640 Our first contestant tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Our first contestant tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
347 00:17:19,720 00:17:23,240 please welcome to the stage Miranda Westfield. please welcome to the stage Miranda Westfield.
348 00:17:26,600 00:17:29,440 Oh, my God! Hi! Oh, my God! Hi!
349 00:17:33,360 00:17:36,040 ♪ It's finally my day I've had some chardonnay... ♪ ♪ It's finally my day I've had some chardonnay... ♪
350 00:17:36,120 00:17:38,520 Why don't I go see what our competition is like? Why don't I go see what our competition is like?
351 00:17:38,600 00:17:40,080 Go check out the competition. Go check out the competition.
352 00:17:41,560 00:17:43,840 Poke your head out 'round the door. See if they're any good. Poke your head out 'round the door. See if they're any good.
353 00:17:43,920 00:17:45,040 We're gonna move right along. We're gonna move right along.
354 00:17:45,120 00:17:49,440 Next up, we have the wonderful Saggittaria. Next up, we have the wonderful Saggittaria.
355 00:17:58,720 00:18:01,280 Jack, do you know your mother's here? Jack, do you know your mother's here?
356 00:18:01,600 00:18:04,400 Yeah. I asked her to come. She'll love it. Yeah. I asked her to come. She'll love it.
357 00:18:04,960 00:18:08,560 She'll get the second daughter that she's always dreamed of having. She'll get the second daughter that she's always dreamed of having.
358 00:18:08,640 00:18:12,560 Please welcome to the stage Decoda Secret! Please welcome to the stage Decoda Secret!
359 00:18:20,600 00:18:21,960 Well, this is a blow. Well, this is a blow.
360 00:18:22,040 00:18:25,440 Decoda's doing all the same moves that Daddy's been practicing. Decoda's doing all the same moves that Daddy's been practicing.
361 00:18:25,520 00:18:27,960 I guess we'll have to quickly rethink our routine. I guess we'll have to quickly rethink our routine.
362 00:18:28,040 00:18:32,160 This feels like it's either gonna be one of the best experiences of my life This feels like it's either gonna be one of the best experiences of my life
363 00:18:32,680 00:18:34,960 or something that will haunt me for some time. or something that will haunt me for some time.
364 00:18:36,120 00:18:37,800 It's not too late to call it off. It's not too late to call it off.
365 00:18:40,000 00:18:42,200 And she's stolen Daddy's nipple tassels. And she's stolen Daddy's nipple tassels.
366 00:18:42,280 00:18:44,240 Have these queens no shame? Have these queens no shame?
367 00:18:46,720 00:18:48,880 I need my wings. I need my wings. I need my wings. I need my wings.
368 00:18:48,960 00:18:52,920 We're about to go on, and backstage things are getting a little bit tense. We're about to go on, and backstage things are getting a little bit tense.
369 00:18:53,000 00:18:55,440 - There's your wingman. -Wingman, please help me. - There's your wingman. -Wingman, please help me.
370 00:18:55,520 00:18:58,960 Ladies and gentlemen, now it is time for the final act of the evening, Ladies and gentlemen, now it is time for the final act of the evening,
371 00:18:59,040 00:19:01,680 like something you've never seen before. like something you've never seen before.
372 00:19:02,000 00:19:04,880 Never seen before, but possibly not in a good way. Never seen before, but possibly not in a good way.
373 00:19:05,520 00:19:06,960 Tighten them, tighten them. Tighten them, tighten them.
374 00:19:07,480 00:19:09,320 Please welcome to the stage, Please welcome to the stage,
375 00:19:09,400 00:19:13,120 Jackie Whitehole and Queen Elizabeth II. Jackie Whitehole and Queen Elizabeth II.
376 00:19:25,080 00:19:27,000 -♪ What's the sense in sharing ♪ -♪ What's the sense in sharing ♪
377 00:19:27,080 00:19:28,440 ♪ This one and only life ♪ ♪ This one and only life ♪
378 00:19:29,240 00:19:33,360 ♪ Endin' up just another Lost and lonely wife ♪ ♪ Endin' up just another Lost and lonely wife ♪
379 00:19:33,440 00:19:37,960 At this point, I feel I should remind you I am doing this selflessly to help Daddy. At this point, I feel I should remind you I am doing this selflessly to help Daddy.
380 00:19:41,880 00:19:43,600 ♪ Love only breaks up ♪ ♪ Love only breaks up ♪
381 00:19:43,680 00:19:45,880 ♪ To start over again ♪ ♪ To start over again ♪
382 00:19:45,960 00:19:47,720 ♪ You'll get the babies ♪ ♪ You'll get the babies ♪
383 00:19:47,800 00:19:49,960 ♪ But you won't have your man ♪ ♪ But you won't have your man ♪
384 00:19:50,040 00:19:55,760 ♪ While he is busy Loving every woman that he can ♪ ♪ While he is busy Loving every woman that he can ♪
385 00:19:55,840 00:19:57,360 ♪ Uh-huh ♪ ♪ Uh-huh ♪
386 00:19:58,240 00:20:00,200 ♪ Say "I'm gonna leave" ♪ ♪ Say "I'm gonna leave" ♪
387 00:20:00,280 00:20:02,760 ♪ A hundred times a day ♪ ♪ A hundred times a day ♪
388 00:20:02,840 00:20:04,800 ♪ It's easier said than done ♪ ♪ It's easier said than done ♪
389 00:20:04,880 00:20:06,720 ♪ When you just can't break away ♪ ♪ When you just can't break away ♪
390 00:20:09,320 00:20:11,920 Just when I had the audience in the palm of my hands Just when I had the audience in the palm of my hands
391 00:20:12,000 00:20:13,880 someone decided to upstage me. someone decided to upstage me.
392 00:20:14,520 00:20:17,280 Well, no one shows up Jackie Whitehole. Well, no one shows up Jackie Whitehole.
393 00:20:17,360 00:20:19,920 Time to get this basic bitch out of my spotlight. Time to get this basic bitch out of my spotlight.
394 00:20:28,760 00:20:30,120 Oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, for fuck's sake.
395 00:20:34,040 00:20:35,400 ♪ Young hearts ♪ ♪ Young hearts ♪
396 00:20:35,480 00:20:37,200 ♪ To yourself be true ♪ ♪ To yourself be true ♪
397 00:20:37,920 00:20:42,960 ♪ Don't be no fool When love really don't love you ♪ ♪ Don't be no fool When love really don't love you ♪
398 00:20:45,400 00:20:48,280 ♪ Ooh, young hearts ♪ ♪ Ooh, young hearts ♪
399 00:20:48,360 00:20:49,440 Take that! Take that!
400 00:20:49,520 00:20:50,960 You little bugger! You little bugger!
401 00:20:51,800 00:20:54,280 Before Queenie gives me the full Meghan Markle treatment, Before Queenie gives me the full Meghan Markle treatment,
402 00:20:54,360 00:20:55,840 Minnie Cooper ends it. Minnie Cooper ends it.
403 00:20:56,240 00:20:59,280 Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Jackie Whitehole Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Jackie Whitehole
404 00:20:59,360 00:21:02,000 and Queen Elizabeth II. and Queen Elizabeth II.
405 00:21:07,640 00:21:10,840 Let me introduce the other contestants back to the stage. Let me introduce the other contestants back to the stage.
406 00:21:10,920 00:21:13,400 The wonderful Miranda Westfield. The wonderful Miranda Westfield.
407 00:21:13,480 00:21:14,920 But, have we done enough? But, have we done enough?
408 00:21:15,000 00:21:16,320 Decoda Secret! Decoda Secret!
409 00:21:16,400 00:21:17,760 As the performers gather, As the performers gather,
410 00:21:17,840 00:21:20,440 the scores and the judgment come thick and fast. the scores and the judgment come thick and fast.
411 00:21:20,520 00:21:22,480 Miranda's performance wins her a... Miranda's performance wins her a...
412 00:21:22,560 00:21:26,880 Thirteen! Unlucky for some and lucky for others and unlucky for you. Thirteen! Unlucky for some and lucky for others and unlucky for you.
413 00:21:26,960 00:21:30,240 Saggittari-ass scores higher at 21. Saggittari-ass scores higher at 21.
414 00:21:31,080 00:21:33,560 But Decoda pips her to the post... But Decoda pips her to the post...
415 00:21:33,640 00:21:35,600 -I'm gonna give you a nine. -...with 23. -I'm gonna give you a nine. -...with 23.
416 00:21:36,160 00:21:37,880 Time for the moment of truth. Time for the moment of truth.
417 00:21:37,960 00:21:40,880 Jackie Whitehole and Queen Elizabeth II, Jackie Whitehole and Queen Elizabeth II,
418 00:21:40,960 00:21:43,560 -please step forward. - Watch those fucking wings. -please step forward. - Watch those fucking wings.
419 00:21:43,640 00:21:44,640 Okay, here we go. Okay, here we go.
420 00:21:44,720 00:21:47,800 I'm gonna give you guys a ten! I'm gonna give you guys a ten!
421 00:21:49,360 00:21:51,000 Tora, what are you gonna give them? Tora, what are you gonna give them?
422 00:21:51,080 00:21:54,920 I'll give you both a nine! I'll give you both a nine!
423 00:21:57,160 00:21:58,680 And Fran. And Fran.
424 00:22:01,480 00:22:04,200 -Ten. -Yes! -Ten. -Yes!
425 00:22:04,280 00:22:06,600 Congratulations to our winners, Congratulations to our winners,
426 00:22:06,680 00:22:09,360 Jackie Whitehole and Queen Elizabeth II. Jackie Whitehole and Queen Elizabeth II.
427 00:22:10,520 00:22:12,840 One can't help but think they took pity on us. One can't help but think they took pity on us.
428 00:22:15,840 00:22:17,840 Daddy seems to have really enjoyed himself, Daddy seems to have really enjoyed himself,
429 00:22:17,920 00:22:20,440 which is nice but also slightly disturbing. which is nice but also slightly disturbing.
430 00:22:20,520 00:22:22,080 I'm not sure it'll go down well I'm not sure it'll go down well
431 00:22:22,160 00:22:24,160 if he dresses up like this for the wedding. if he dresses up like this for the wedding.
432 00:22:24,240 00:22:26,360 Baby Winston, Daddy. Baby Winston, Daddy.
433 00:22:26,440 00:22:29,880 If I were Molly's fiance, I would be running for the hills. If I were Molly's fiance, I would be running for the hills.
434 00:22:29,960 00:22:31,360 How do I take these off? How do I take these off?
435 00:22:33,280 00:22:34,760 That's weird. Wait. That's weird. Wait.
436 00:22:40,880 00:22:41,920 And breathe. And breathe.
437 00:22:44,880 00:22:46,560 Do you want me to untuck yours as well? Do you want me to untuck yours as well?
438 00:22:50,000 00:22:52,120 With our makeup and dignity removed, With our makeup and dignity removed,
439 00:22:52,200 00:22:54,440 I return to the hotel with my two mommies. I return to the hotel with my two mommies.
440 00:22:54,960 00:22:57,920 And although we want to sleep, Hilary sees this as a chance And although we want to sleep, Hilary sees this as a chance
441 00:22:58,000 00:23:00,640 to finalize yet more details for the wedding. to finalize yet more details for the wedding.
442 00:23:00,720 00:23:03,920 Have you recovered from seeing your husband dressed as the Queen? Have you recovered from seeing your husband dressed as the Queen?
443 00:23:04,920 00:23:06,480 I think he enjoyed it. I think he enjoyed it.
444 00:23:07,240 00:23:10,440 I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a ten-pound note the same way again. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a ten-pound note the same way again.
445 00:23:12,960 00:23:14,240 On wedmin, On wedmin,
446 00:23:14,800 00:23:17,520 can I just ask you a slightly contentious question? can I just ask you a slightly contentious question?
447 00:23:17,600 00:23:19,400 -Sorry to ask you this. -Yeah. -Sorry to ask you this. -Yeah.
448 00:23:19,480 00:23:22,840 But the plus-one situation for the wedding, But the plus-one situation for the wedding,
449 00:23:23,320 00:23:24,520 I mean, obviously, um... I mean, obviously, um...
450 00:23:25,840 00:23:28,720 Molly's getting married now. Barney's with Tats. Molly's getting married now. Barney's with Tats.
451 00:23:28,880 00:23:32,680 And it's whether I'm gonna take Hannah Conda or Carmen Geddit? And it's whether I'm gonna take Hannah Conda or Carmen Geddit?
452 00:23:33,960 00:23:37,640 -Is that the contentious issue? -That was the contentious question.Yeah. -Is that the contentious issue? -That was the contentious question.Yeah.
453 00:23:38,080 00:23:39,320 No, I just feel... No, I just feel...
454 00:23:40,440 00:23:41,360 you know. you know.
455 00:23:42,360 00:23:44,720 Foolishly, I always thought you'd be the first to get married Foolishly, I always thought you'd be the first to get married
456 00:23:44,800 00:23:47,040 'cause you're the eldest and that's the logical thing. 'cause you're the eldest and that's the logical thing.
457 00:23:47,120 00:23:50,000 Yeah, but I fucked up my chance at that. Yeah, but I fucked up my chance at that.
458 00:23:50,880 00:23:52,280 I wouldn't say you "fucked it up." I wouldn't say you "fucked it up."
459 00:23:52,360 00:23:55,760 I did. I could have got married, but I messed it up. I did. I could have got married, but I messed it up.
460 00:23:57,080 00:24:00,200 I'm sorry that I will be attending the wedding alone. I'm sorry that I will be attending the wedding alone.
461 00:24:01,040 00:24:01,920 I'm sorry that... I'm sorry that...
462 00:24:02,600 00:24:06,400 you have two children who have model relationships... you have two children who have model relationships...
463 00:24:07,520 00:24:10,320 -and then one who is gonna be there... -Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry. -and then one who is gonna be there... -Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry.
464 00:24:10,680 00:24:11,880 -Also-- -...all on his own -Also-- -...all on his own
465 00:24:12,240 00:24:14,160 and maybe trying to shag a bridesmaid. and maybe trying to shag a bridesmaid.
466 00:24:14,560 00:24:16,280 One's married and one's six. One's married and one's six.
467 00:24:16,360 00:24:17,760 -Okay. -So, probably not. -Okay. -So, probably not.
468 00:24:17,840 00:24:20,120 -No, I definitely don't think... -I definitely don't think-- -No, I definitely don't think... -I definitely don't think--
469 00:24:20,200 00:24:23,280 -Okay, bridesmaids, off the cards. -No, that is not an option. Yeah. -Okay, bridesmaids, off the cards. -No, that is not an option. Yeah.
470 00:24:23,760 00:24:26,920 You do have to work at relationships. They don't just happen. You do have to work at relationships. They don't just happen.
471 00:24:27,560 00:24:30,200 Have you had to work at your relationship with my father? Have you had to work at your relationship with my father?
472 00:24:30,760 00:24:31,760 One hundred percent. One hundred percent.
473 00:24:32,360 00:24:35,720 I mean, I think, in terms of Daddy having children, I mean, I think, in terms of Daddy having children,
474 00:24:35,800 00:24:38,880 I think he was probably a better father for being an older father. I think he was probably a better father for being an older father.
475 00:24:38,960 00:24:41,800 'Cause I think he would have been less tolerant. 'Cause I think he would have been less tolerant.
476 00:24:42,320 00:24:43,840 I know he's pretty intolerant. I know he's pretty intolerant.
477 00:24:43,920 00:24:45,320 There's... There's...
478 00:24:45,400 00:24:48,840 -There's a less tolerant version? -Even less. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. -There's a less tolerant version? -Even less. Yeah, definitely. Definitely.
479 00:24:48,920 00:24:51,160 Fucking hell! Imagine that. Fucking hell! Imagine that.
480 00:24:51,240 00:24:55,040 I think the pool that you're looking in is perhaps not quite right. I think the pool that you're looking in is perhaps not quite right.
481 00:24:55,120 00:24:57,400 I'm in the deep end, and I need to swim into-- I'm in the deep end, and I need to swim into--
482 00:24:57,480 00:25:00,520 Not the shallow end, actually. That again makes it sound like Not the shallow end, actually. That again makes it sound like
483 00:25:00,600 00:25:02,920 -that's not what you should be doing. -that's not what you should be doing.
484 00:25:03,400 00:25:04,840 I should get out of that pool. I should get out of that pool.
485 00:25:04,920 00:25:07,640 -Let's get out of that particular-- -Find a different pool altogether. -Let's get out of that particular-- -Find a different pool altogether.
486 00:25:07,720 00:25:09,640 -Yes, exactly. -Not swim into the shallow end. -Yes, exactly. -Not swim into the shallow end.
487 00:25:09,720 00:25:10,800 That's the worst. That's the worst.
488 00:25:13,000 00:25:15,680 -Thanks for that analogy, Mother. -Oh, dear. -Thanks for that analogy, Mother. -Oh, dear.
489 00:25:16,320 00:25:18,480 -Jack. -You're very helpful. -Jack. -You're very helpful.
490 00:25:21,840 00:25:25,040 It seems I have no alternative if I want to shut Mommy up. It seems I have no alternative if I want to shut Mommy up.
491 00:25:25,120 00:25:27,200 I need to brush up my romancing skills. I need to brush up my romancing skills.
492 00:25:27,560 00:25:30,480 So I signed up for a speed dating event at Urban Winery. So I signed up for a speed dating event at Urban Winery.
493 00:25:31,040 00:25:33,960 They decided to come with me because nothing makes a date go better They decided to come with me because nothing makes a date go better
494 00:25:34,040 00:25:36,520 than being man-mobbed by Mr. and Mrs. Buzzkill. than being man-mobbed by Mr. and Mrs. Buzzkill.
495 00:25:37,760 00:25:39,520 This is a complete waste of time. This is a complete waste of time.
496 00:25:39,600 00:25:42,280 - It's not-- -No, I don't need to speed date. - It's not-- -No, I don't need to speed date.
497 00:25:42,360 00:25:44,560 I get so much female attention. I get so much female attention.
498 00:25:44,640 00:25:46,640 -To be dragged some nights-- -You do? -To be dragged some nights-- -You do?
499 00:25:47,160 00:25:49,440 -Yes. -But not from the right kind of woman. -Yes. -But not from the right kind of woman.
500 00:25:49,520 00:25:52,040 These are gonna be sophisticated women. This is a winery. These are gonna be sophisticated women. This is a winery.
501 00:25:52,120 00:25:54,400 Now, come on. Be real. Now, come on. Be real.
502 00:25:55,120 00:25:58,800 You think these girls that we're gonna see now are gonna be sophisticated? You think these girls that we're gonna see now are gonna be sophisticated?
503 00:25:59,560 00:26:02,960 They'll just be sort of desperate slag types. They'll just be sort of desperate slag types.
504 00:26:03,760 00:26:06,480 -Which is where Jack should be aiming for. -Michael! -Which is where Jack should be aiming for. -Michael!
505 00:26:06,560 00:26:09,440 - Absolute nonsense. - Have you got protection? - Absolute nonsense. - Have you got protection?
506 00:26:10,680 00:26:12,680 -What? -He's not gonna move that quickly. -What? -He's not gonna move that quickly.
507 00:26:12,760 00:26:14,680 -This is speed dating. -You never know. -This is speed dating. -You never know.
508 00:26:15,080 00:26:18,440 -I don't want grandchildren... -Ridiculous. -I don't want grandchildren... -Ridiculous.
509 00:26:18,520 00:26:20,520 -Not on a first date. -Jesus! -Not on a first date. -Jesus!
510 00:26:20,600 00:26:21,480 After you. After you.
511 00:26:21,560 00:26:23,520 - Oh, God. - Oh, God.
512 00:26:23,600 00:26:25,200 Right, I think you can go now. Right, I think you can go now.
513 00:26:25,680 00:26:26,920 No, I'm gonna come in and just-- No, I'm gonna come in and just--
514 00:26:27,000 00:26:29,920 No, you're not coming in with me. Come back in 20 minutes. No, you're not coming in with me. Come back in 20 minutes.
515 00:26:30,000 00:26:31,960 If I was ten years younger... If I was ten years younger...
516 00:26:32,040 00:26:35,080 -Ten years younger? -...I could well be into some of that. -Ten years younger? -...I could well be into some of that.
517 00:26:35,160 00:26:37,960 What, 69? And you'd be there leering over all of them? What, 69? And you'd be there leering over all of them?
518 00:26:38,040 00:26:40,040 Well, obviously not with Mom still here. Well, obviously not with Mom still here.
519 00:26:40,480 00:26:42,120 - Right, well, good luck. -Wait. - Right, well, good luck. -Wait.
520 00:26:43,200 00:26:45,920 -What do you want? -I do want a mint. My breath smells. -What do you want? -I do want a mint. My breath smells.
521 00:26:46,440 00:26:48,320 You were so rude about my fanny pack. You were so rude about my fanny pack.
522 00:26:48,400 00:26:50,520 -Right, Mommy's mints. -Don't call them Mommy's mints. -Right, Mommy's mints. -Don't call them Mommy's mints.
523 00:26:50,600 00:26:51,800 Mommy's mints. Mommy's mints.
524 00:26:51,880 00:26:53,840 Do you want a Mommy's-- Put one in your pocket. Do you want a Mommy's-- Put one in your pocket.
525 00:26:55,600 00:26:57,440 -Okay, good-bye. -Good-bye. -Okay, good-bye. -Good-bye.
526 00:27:00,800 00:27:02,840 This event is called Conscious Dating, This event is called Conscious Dating,
527 00:27:02,920 00:27:06,040 and given the amount of wine on offer we won't be conscious for long. and given the amount of wine on offer we won't be conscious for long.
528 00:27:06,120 00:27:09,880 Organizer Kaila says it's all about creating thoughtful conversation. Organizer Kaila says it's all about creating thoughtful conversation.
529 00:27:10,480 00:27:13,440 Yeah, sounds more like an excuse for a piss-up to me. Yeah, sounds more like an excuse for a piss-up to me.
530 00:27:13,920 00:27:16,280 Okay, so how this is going to work, guys, Okay, so how this is going to work, guys,
531 00:27:16,360 00:27:18,600 is that everyone has a card in front of them. is that everyone has a card in front of them.
532 00:27:18,680 00:27:20,720 I want you to write your name and mobile number I want you to write your name and mobile number
533 00:27:20,800 00:27:22,160 on the front of the card. on the front of the card.
534 00:27:22,240 00:27:25,800 At the end of the event, once we've put all of our matches together, At the end of the event, once we've put all of our matches together,
535 00:27:25,880 00:27:29,160 I'm gonna let you know who is also interested in seeing you again. I'm gonna let you know who is also interested in seeing you again.
536 00:27:29,440 00:27:32,400 First glass. If everyone could pick up the first glass for me. First glass. If everyone could pick up the first glass for me.
537 00:27:32,480 00:27:34,920 This taller, skinnier glass, the white wine. This taller, skinnier glass, the white wine.
538 00:27:35,000 00:27:37,760 -Do you think I'm allowed to just... -Yeah. -Do you think I'm allowed to just... -Yeah.
539 00:27:38,520 00:27:39,880 -I won't tell. - He saw that. -I won't tell. - He saw that.
540 00:27:39,960 00:27:41,720 -It's fine. -He definitely saw that. -It's fine. -He definitely saw that.
541 00:27:43,440 00:27:44,840 White wine is white wine. White wine is white wine.
542 00:27:44,920 00:27:47,480 Do you know what? I'm just gonna stick that in there as well. Do you know what? I'm just gonna stick that in there as well.
543 00:27:47,560 00:27:49,520 'Cause I think I need to get a little head start. 'Cause I think I need to get a little head start.
544 00:27:53,280 00:27:55,440 Uh-oh, does that mean I have to match you? Uh-oh, does that mean I have to match you?
545 00:27:55,760 00:27:57,760 -Be un-Australian of me not too. -That hit the spot. -Be un-Australian of me not too. -That hit the spot.
546 00:27:57,840 00:27:59,120 That hit the spot. That hit the spot.
547 00:28:02,720 00:28:04,640 If you could be an animal, what would it be? If you could be an animal, what would it be?
548 00:28:04,720 00:28:05,880 An emu! An emu!
549 00:28:05,960 00:28:08,680 -Second fastest bird on the planet. Um. -They have long necks. -Second fastest bird on the planet. Um. -They have long necks.
550 00:28:08,760 00:28:13,920 Their eggs are the same volume as the equivalent of nine chicken eggs. Their eggs are the same volume as the equivalent of nine chicken eggs.
551 00:28:14,000 00:28:16,280 -Do you like eggs? -They're double-feathered. -Do you like eggs? -They're double-feathered.
552 00:28:17,280 00:28:18,520 Feathers are cool. Feathers are cool.
553 00:28:19,120 00:28:20,400 They won a war. They won a war.
554 00:28:20,920 00:28:23,600 -They did. Excellent note. -The Australian National Army. Yeah. -They did. Excellent note. -The Australian National Army. Yeah.
555 00:28:24,080 00:28:25,520 Loving the emu chat. Loving the emu chat.
556 00:28:25,600 00:28:28,200 Might go to second base, start talking ostrich. Might go to second base, start talking ostrich.
557 00:28:28,280 00:28:30,560 I feel like I need to be an Australian animal. I feel like I need to be an Australian animal.
558 00:28:30,640 00:28:33,080 -Which animal would you be? -I'm not gonna roll with koalas -Which animal would you be? -I'm not gonna roll with koalas
559 00:28:33,160 00:28:35,160 'cause they're quite, like, popular right now. 'cause they're quite, like, popular right now.
560 00:28:35,240 00:28:37,560 -That would be too easy. -And they can give you chlamydia. -That would be too easy. -And they can give you chlamydia.
561 00:28:37,640 00:28:41,240 Which is why you should always rubber up if you're gonna have sex with one. Which is why you should always rubber up if you're gonna have sex with one.
562 00:28:44,160 00:28:47,520 -Wow, that is-- -It was quite a strong joke. -Wow, that is-- -It was quite a strong joke.
563 00:28:47,600 00:28:48,800 So... So...
564 00:28:50,000 00:28:51,160 The bell. The bell.
565 00:28:51,240 00:28:54,000 -Say good-bye, and ladies-- - Jack! Jack! -Say good-bye, and ladies-- - Jack! Jack!
566 00:28:54,640 00:28:57,160 -Oh, God. -Make sure you're filling in your form. -Oh, God. -Make sure you're filling in your form.
567 00:28:57,240 00:29:00,800 -I want to just make sure you're okay. -Right. Okay, thank you. Fuck off. -I want to just make sure you're okay. -Right. Okay, thank you. Fuck off.
568 00:29:01,400 00:29:03,680 Who let them back in? Security! Who let them back in? Security!
569 00:29:04,240 00:29:07,760 So, we're gonna have a little break, so you can go to the bar, the bathroom. So, we're gonna have a little break, so you can go to the bar, the bathroom.
570 00:29:08,280 00:29:10,200 Right. Time to get rid of them. Right. Time to get rid of them.
571 00:29:10,560 00:29:12,240 This is the ultimate cockblock, okay? This is the ultimate cockblock, okay?
572 00:29:12,320 00:29:15,280 Me trying to date through there, having you... Me trying to date through there, having you...
573 00:29:15,720 00:29:18,320 -How's it going? -First date was a little bit awks. -How's it going? -First date was a little bit awks.
574 00:29:18,400 00:29:22,440 First dates are awkward. Our first date wasn't exactly a picnic, was it? First dates are awkward. Our first date wasn't exactly a picnic, was it?
575 00:29:22,520 00:29:24,400 Well, not when I first met you. Well, not when I first met you.
576 00:29:24,480 00:29:27,040 You know what happened, I've told you, when I met Mommy? You know what happened, I've told you, when I met Mommy?
577 00:29:27,120 00:29:28,840 On our very first date. On our very first date.
578 00:29:28,920 00:29:31,320 I went to this party, and Mommy was there. I went to this party, and Mommy was there.
579 00:29:31,920 00:29:36,440 When I realized she was an actress, it was being like given a magnet When I realized she was an actress, it was being like given a magnet
580 00:29:36,520 00:29:39,680 -and you could pull them straight to you. -What can I say? I needed an agent. -and you could pull them straight to you. -What can I say? I needed an agent.
581 00:29:39,760 00:29:44,080 Were you famous at that point for helping actresses sleep their way to the bottom? Were you famous at that point for helping actresses sleep their way to the bottom?
582 00:29:44,160 00:29:45,320 No, I was not. No, I was not.
583 00:29:45,800 00:29:47,240 I was a very distinguished agent I was a very distinguished agent
584 00:29:47,320 00:29:50,520 with a list of extremely distinguished actors. with a list of extremely distinguished actors.
585 00:29:50,600 00:29:51,840 This is the worst pep talk ever. This is the worst pep talk ever.
586 00:29:51,920 00:29:53,000 -There's the bell. -There's the bell.
587 00:29:53,080 00:29:55,360 Two of you stay here, shut up. No... Two of you stay here, shut up. No...
588 00:29:56,280 00:29:57,520 -interfering. -Just remember-- -interfering. -Just remember--
589 00:29:57,600 00:29:59,680 you've not got your wingwoman with you today. you've not got your wingwoman with you today.
590 00:29:59,760 00:30:02,680 You are not my wingwoman. You've never been my wingwoman. You are not my wingwoman. You've never been my wingwoman.
591 00:30:03,440 00:30:06,160 With parents like that, thank God for alcohol. With parents like that, thank God for alcohol.
592 00:30:07,880 00:30:08,920 Jack. Jack.
593 00:30:09,000 00:30:11,600 Ask this one if she wants to have babies. Ask this one if she wants to have babies.
594 00:30:11,680 00:30:12,800 Why the fuck would I ask-- Why the fuck would I ask--
595 00:30:12,880 00:30:14,800 This is a very important element of dating. This is a very important element of dating.
596 00:30:14,880 00:30:17,680 I'm not asking a stranger if they want to have babies. I'm not asking a stranger if they want to have babies.
597 00:30:19,040 00:30:20,200 I'll get arrested. I'll get arrested.
598 00:30:20,760 00:30:23,880 Jack, make sure you ask her what her father does. Jack, make sure you ask her what her father does.
599 00:30:25,720 00:30:28,440 -Hi, I'm Lisa. Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you. -Hi, I'm Lisa. Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.
600 00:30:28,520 00:30:31,600 -Jack, don't fuck this one up. -Right. -Jack, don't fuck this one up. -Right.
601 00:30:32,280 00:30:35,080 -She looks like she could be a winner. -Sorry, this is very surreal. -She looks like she could be a winner. -Sorry, this is very surreal.
602 00:30:35,160 00:30:37,040 -Um, how are you? -Good. How are you? -Um, how are you? -Good. How are you?
603 00:30:37,120 00:30:38,600 Good. I'm a little-- Good. I'm a little--
604 00:30:38,680 00:30:42,160 I'm-- I've slightly rushed ahead with the drinks. I'm-- I've slightly rushed ahead with the drinks.
605 00:30:43,360 00:30:44,560 Are you a wine drinker? Are you a wine drinker?
606 00:30:44,640 00:30:47,720 Not at all, actually. I'm from the Caribbean. Not at all, actually. I'm from the Caribbean.
607 00:30:47,800 00:30:49,120 -Cool. -Yeah. -Cool. -Yeah.
608 00:30:49,200 00:30:51,080 This one seems to be going well. This one seems to be going well.
609 00:30:51,160 00:30:52,680 Do you want to hear my English accent? Do you want to hear my English accent?
610 00:30:52,760 00:30:54,000 -Yeah. -Okay. -Yeah. -Okay.
611 00:30:54,520 00:30:57,200 Would you like a cup of tea and a pound of cake? Would you like a cup of tea and a pound of cake?
612 00:30:57,280 00:30:58,960 -No, that's pretty good. -Is it good? -No, that's pretty good. -Is it good?
613 00:30:59,040 00:31:01,800 Yeah. That's probably better than my Caribbean accent. Yeah. That's probably better than my Caribbean accent.
614 00:31:01,880 00:31:03,200 Let me hear your Caribbean accent. Let me hear your Caribbean accent.
615 00:31:03,280 00:31:04,840 Am I definitely allowed to? Am I definitely allowed to?
616 00:31:05,600 00:31:06,880 Go for your life. Go for your life.
617 00:31:09,200 00:31:10,040 -Uh... -Yeah? -Uh... -Yeah?
618 00:31:11,400 00:31:13,600 I like-- Oh, God! I like-- Oh, God!
619 00:31:14,760 00:31:17,480 I can. Surely, I can. Wait, ready? I can. Surely, I can. Wait, ready?
620 00:31:18,720 00:31:20,680 Whoa! That's some dirty wine. Whoa! That's some dirty wine.
621 00:31:22,280 00:31:25,040 God, he's just done a Jamaican accent! God, he's just done a Jamaican accent!
622 00:31:25,520 00:31:26,760 What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that?
623 00:31:27,360 00:31:28,520 Good job. Good job.
624 00:31:28,600 00:31:32,240 -Like Bob Marley returned from the dead. -Like Bob Marley returned from the dead.
625 00:31:32,960 00:31:36,680 Hope you're enjoying the wine. So ladies are gonna keep rolling this way. Hope you're enjoying the wine. So ladies are gonna keep rolling this way.
626 00:31:36,760 00:31:38,240 -Lovely to meet you. -Nice to meet you. -Lovely to meet you. -Nice to meet you.
627 00:31:38,840 00:31:42,320 Jack, don't let that one go. Go and give her your number. Jack, don't let that one go. Go and give her your number.
628 00:31:43,600 00:31:44,480 Jack! Jack!
629 00:31:45,120 00:31:48,200 -Give her your number. -I'm having a date with another person. -Give her your number. -I'm having a date with another person.
630 00:31:48,720 00:31:49,720 -Hello. -Hello, darling. -Hello. -Hello, darling.
631 00:31:49,800 00:31:51,360 -Very nice to meet you. -How are you? -Very nice to meet you. -How are you?
632 00:31:51,440 00:31:52,840 You're a good looker, aren't you? You're a good looker, aren't you?
633 00:31:52,920 00:31:54,760 Thank you very much. Likewise. Thank you very much. Likewise.
634 00:31:54,840 00:31:56,480 -I love your outfit. -Do you? -I love your outfit. -Do you?
635 00:31:56,560 00:31:58,840 It's wonderful. I was going to wear a similar thing. It's wonderful. I was going to wear a similar thing.
636 00:31:58,920 00:32:01,560 -I have to ask you to put your drink down. -Okay. -I have to ask you to put your drink down. -Okay.
637 00:32:02,600 00:32:06,280 And what I have to do is do a body search. And what I have to do is do a body search.
638 00:32:06,360 00:32:07,520 -Okay. Yeah. -All right? -Okay. Yeah. -All right?
639 00:32:07,600 00:32:09,880 So, I'm just gonna... So, I'm just gonna...
640 00:32:09,960 00:32:11,520 Yeah, you're nice and firm there. Yeah, you're nice and firm there.
641 00:32:11,600 00:32:13,080 Yep. Oh, yep. Yep. Oh, yep.
642 00:32:13,160 00:32:15,520 I'm afraid I don't have a permit for these guns. I'm afraid I don't have a permit for these guns.
643 00:32:15,600 00:32:16,840 No, that's okay. No, that's okay.
644 00:32:17,280 00:32:20,080 There's quite a lot of physical stuff going on. There's quite a lot of physical stuff going on.
645 00:32:21,760 00:32:23,200 Good there... good there... Good there... good there...
646 00:32:23,840 00:32:25,800 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
647 00:32:26,440 00:32:28,280 Do you think she works in security? Do you think she works in security?
648 00:32:30,600 00:32:31,720 You're pretty good. You're pretty good.
649 00:32:31,800 00:32:33,920 She certainly looks like a handful. She certainly looks like a handful.
650 00:32:34,000 00:32:36,200 -I didn't get your name. -My name? -I didn't get your name. -My name?
651 00:32:36,280 00:32:37,520 -Yes. -My name is Dollbaby. -Yes. -My name is Dollbaby.
652 00:32:37,600 00:32:39,880 -"Dollbaby," lovely. -Everybody knows me as Dollbaby. -"Dollbaby," lovely. -Everybody knows me as Dollbaby.
653 00:32:39,960 00:32:41,880 Okay, Dollboy. Okay, Dollboy.
654 00:32:42,280 00:32:44,080 I like that. I like that.
655 00:32:46,040 00:32:47,080 I like you. I like you.
656 00:32:47,160 00:32:49,120 -Yes, Dollbaby. -You're pretty edible. -Yes, Dollbaby. -You're pretty edible.
657 00:32:49,200 00:32:50,920 -Oh, thank you, Dollbaby. -Yeah. -Oh, thank you, Dollbaby. -Yeah.
658 00:32:51,560 00:32:52,840 Are you a wine connoisseur? Are you a wine connoisseur?
659 00:32:52,920 00:32:56,200 -Do you enjoy wineries? -No, because-- I'll tell you what happens. -Do you enjoy wineries? -No, because-- I'll tell you what happens.
660 00:32:56,280 00:32:58,760 -I have one glass and I'm tipsy. -Really? -I have one glass and I'm tipsy. -Really?
661 00:32:58,840 00:33:01,720 -Ahh. Yes. -I have two glasses, -Ahh. Yes. -I have two glasses,
662 00:33:01,800 00:33:04,400 and I'm... I'm getting there. and I'm... I'm getting there.
663 00:33:04,480 00:33:07,000 Third glass, I'm under the table and I don't know who I'm fucking. Third glass, I'm under the table and I don't know who I'm fucking.
664 00:33:09,760 00:33:10,880 That's it. That's it.
665 00:33:10,960 00:33:13,160 -That's how it goes. -Wow. -That's how it goes. -Wow.
666 00:33:13,240 00:33:14,640 -I'll destroy you. -Yeah. -I'll destroy you. -Yeah.
667 00:33:14,720 00:33:17,440 No, I have no doubt that would be the case. No, I have no doubt that would be the case.
668 00:33:17,520 00:33:20,080 -I can see-- -I'll destroy you. -I can see-- -I'll destroy you.
669 00:33:21,560 00:33:22,680 I would chew you up... I would chew you up...
670 00:33:23,320 00:33:24,920 and spit you out. and spit you out.
671 00:33:28,080 00:33:29,240 Yeah. Yeah.
672 00:33:29,320 00:33:30,560 I'm kind of terrified. I'm kind of terrified.
673 00:33:31,280 00:33:32,640 That's a normal reaction. That's a normal reaction.
674 00:33:34,000 00:33:35,800 That's... that's normal, darling. That's... that's normal, darling.
675 00:33:37,440 00:33:41,200 What was on the back of your belt there? The... the thing... What was on the back of your belt there? The... the thing...
676 00:33:42,040 00:33:44,040 - Ring the bell. -You just wanna see my ass. - Ring the bell. -You just wanna see my ass.
677 00:33:44,120 00:33:47,000 -What? No, I was just checking the thing. -Are you sure? -What? No, I was just checking the thing. -Are you sure?
678 00:33:47,080 00:33:48,080 Oh, my God. Ring the bell. Oh, my God. Ring the bell.
679 00:33:48,680 00:33:49,880 -You sure about that? -Yes. -You sure about that? -Yes.
680 00:33:49,960 00:33:51,480 Okay. Okay.
681 00:33:51,560 00:33:53,280 -Thank God. -Thank God.
682 00:33:54,680 00:33:56,960 So, that is our dating event. So, that is our dating event.
683 00:33:57,040 00:33:59,080 Dollbaby, until the next time. Dollbaby, until the next time.
684 00:34:00,520 00:34:01,560 Enchanté. Enchanté.
685 00:34:02,840 00:34:05,400 Well, that's my plus-one for the wedding sorted. Well, that's my plus-one for the wedding sorted.
686 00:34:05,480 00:34:07,120 And the results are in. And the results are in.
687 00:34:07,680 00:34:10,240 Three out of three. Pretty pleased with that. Three out of three. Pretty pleased with that.
688 00:34:10,320 00:34:11,880 - Yeah. -What do I do next? - Yeah. -What do I do next?
689 00:34:11,960 00:34:14,920 I wouldn't do anything at the moment. Your blood's up. I wouldn't do anything at the moment. Your blood's up.
690 00:34:15,000 00:34:18,000 I'd just go home, take it easy, I'd just go home, take it easy,
691 00:34:18,440 00:34:23,040 maybe have one off the wrist, and then make decisions in the morning, okay? maybe have one off the wrist, and then make decisions in the morning, okay?
692 00:34:23,520 00:34:26,080 -I'm gonna take that. -No. Why? Those are my dates. -I'm gonna take that. -No. Why? Those are my dates.
693 00:34:26,160 00:34:29,080 I'm going to call them and decide who is the most suitable. I'm going to call them and decide who is the most suitable.
694 00:34:29,160 00:34:30,320 I don't trust you. I don't trust you.
695 00:34:30,400 00:34:32,440 -I think that's a good idea. -They're gonna love that. -I think that's a good idea. -They're gonna love that.
696 00:34:32,520 00:34:34,480 No, I think that's a very good idea. No, I think that's a very good idea.
697 00:34:34,560 00:34:36,400 What, you vetting my dates? What, you vetting my dates?
698 00:34:36,480 00:34:37,520 Yes. Yes.
699 00:34:40,280 00:34:43,200 It's our last day in Sydney, and I've organized something for them It's our last day in Sydney, and I've organized something for them
700 00:34:43,280 00:34:44,840 that's typically Australian. that's typically Australian.
701 00:34:45,240 00:34:47,000 We're at the Sydney Cricket Ground, We're at the Sydney Cricket Ground,
702 00:34:47,080 00:34:50,080 one of the oldest and most prestigious stadiums in Australia, one of the oldest and most prestigious stadiums in Australia,
703 00:34:50,600 00:34:52,040 home to the Sydney Sixers home to the Sydney Sixers
704 00:34:52,840 00:34:54,000 and the Twenty20 League. and the Twenty20 League.
705 00:34:54,720 00:34:56,920 Instead of the usual five-day format, Instead of the usual five-day format,
706 00:34:57,000 00:34:59,800 this version is entertaining. See? this version is entertaining. See?
707 00:34:59,880 00:35:01,080 None of that crowd are asleep. None of that crowd are asleep.
708 00:35:01,680 00:35:05,320 With mascots and fireworks, this is a far cry from Lord's. With mascots and fireworks, this is a far cry from Lord's.
709 00:35:06,160 00:35:07,000 SCG. SCG.
710 00:35:08,400 00:35:11,560 -Quite a lot of history here, eh, Pops? - Certainly is. -Quite a lot of history here, eh, Pops? - Certainly is.
711 00:35:11,840 00:35:15,720 Some of the biggest cheats in Australian cricketing history have played here. Some of the biggest cheats in Australian cricketing history have played here.
712 00:35:15,800 00:35:18,280 Let's keep that chat to a minimum today, please. Let's keep that chat to a minimum today, please.
713 00:35:18,680 00:35:21,960 We're here to meet retired international cricketer, Brett Lee, We're here to meet retired international cricketer, Brett Lee,
714 00:35:22,040 00:35:25,000 the second-fastest bowler in the history of cricket, the second-fastest bowler in the history of cricket,
715 00:35:25,080 00:35:28,320 setting a record of 100.1 miles per hour. setting a record of 100.1 miles per hour.
716 00:35:29,040 00:35:31,520 He also lost the Ashes to England in 2005. He also lost the Ashes to England in 2005.
717 00:35:32,480 00:35:33,400 Just saying. Just saying.
718 00:35:34,120 00:35:36,960 Welcome to my home, the beautiful Sydney Cricket Ground. Welcome to my home, the beautiful Sydney Cricket Ground.
719 00:35:37,040 00:35:41,720 This is a very historical place, a great venue to watch some great cricket at. This is a very historical place, a great venue to watch some great cricket at.
720 00:35:41,800 00:35:43,440 We have a great day lined up for you. We have a great day lined up for you.
721 00:35:43,520 00:35:46,040 This afternoon, we're gonna watch the Sydney Sixers take on This afternoon, we're gonna watch the Sydney Sixers take on
722 00:35:46,120 00:35:47,200 the Melbourne Stars. the Melbourne Stars.
723 00:35:47,280 00:35:50,320 But you can't come to the SCG and not have a hit. But you can't come to the SCG and not have a hit.
724 00:35:51,280 00:35:54,800 - Oh, yeah. -So, Jack and Mike, you came for a hit? - Oh, yeah. -So, Jack and Mike, you came for a hit?
725 00:35:54,880 00:35:57,200 I think probably not myself, no. I think probably not myself, no.
726 00:35:57,280 00:35:59,480 I mean, Mrs. Whitehall's quite a cricketer. I mean, Mrs. Whitehall's quite a cricketer.
727 00:35:59,560 00:36:01,600 -I'll have a hit. -The one with the talent, yeah? -I'll have a hit. -The one with the talent, yeah?
728 00:36:01,680 00:36:03,360 We have a long-standing rivalry. We have a long-standing rivalry.
729 00:36:03,440 00:36:04,800 I used to play cricket at school. I used to play cricket at school.
730 00:36:04,880 00:36:07,480 I was a very keen cricketer. I think I had a promising career. I was a very keen cricketer. I think I had a promising career.
731 00:36:07,560 00:36:09,240 And then we had an infamous... And then we had an infamous...
732 00:36:09,520 00:36:12,200 Um, well, it was meant to be fathers versus sons game. Um, well, it was meant to be fathers versus sons game.
733 00:36:12,280 00:36:15,200 And he obviously wasn't up to the task 'cause he was, And he obviously wasn't up to the task 'cause he was,
734 00:36:15,440 00:36:17,120 -I don't know... -I was very busy. -I don't know... -I was very busy.
735 00:36:17,200 00:36:20,000 ...pissed or on holiday or whatever. Couldn't be bothered to come down ...pissed or on holiday or whatever. Couldn't be bothered to come down
736 00:36:20,080 00:36:22,560 -to my boarding school. -I was in the office slaving away. -to my boarding school. -I was in the office slaving away.
737 00:36:22,640 00:36:23,960 -Sure you were. -A career, -Sure you were. -A career,
738 00:36:24,040 00:36:27,280 as one of the top theatrical agents in the country. as one of the top theatrical agents in the country.
739 00:36:27,360 00:36:31,600 So I was playing against ten dads and my mother. So I was playing against ten dads and my mother.
740 00:36:32,160 00:36:33,560 She bowled me, clean bowled me... She bowled me, clean bowled me...
741 00:36:33,640 00:36:35,920 -Got you out. -...in front of all my friends at school. -Got you out. -...in front of all my friends at school.
742 00:36:36,000 00:36:40,040 It was one of the most humiliating moments of my sporting career. It was one of the most humiliating moments of my sporting career.
743 00:36:40,120 00:36:41,160 I think I never recovered. I think I never recovered.
744 00:36:41,240 00:36:44,560 -It's good that he's let it go. -I know. He's had years of therapy. -It's good that he's let it go. -I know. He's had years of therapy.
745 00:36:44,640 00:36:48,200 I could've been a great sportsman. That was the moment I lost all confidence. I could've been a great sportsman. That was the moment I lost all confidence.
746 00:36:48,280 00:36:50,400 -Yeah. -What about we do a forfeit? Whoever... -Yeah. -What about we do a forfeit? Whoever...
747 00:36:50,880 00:36:52,240 -We have to have a loser. -Yeah. -We have to have a loser. -Yeah.
748 00:36:52,320 00:36:54,480 We might have to go indoors 'cause it's starting to rain. We might have to go indoors 'cause it's starting to rain.
749 00:36:54,560 00:36:55,680 Time for me to get revenge. Time for me to get revenge.
750 00:36:55,760 00:36:57,600 -Let's do it. Australia versus England. -No way. -Let's do it. Australia versus England. -No way.
751 00:36:57,680 00:36:59,000 I'll bowl a bouncer on your head. I'll bowl a bouncer on your head.
752 00:36:59,080 00:37:02,480 You did manage to embarrass me in lots of other ways, Jack. You did manage to embarrass me in lots of other ways, Jack.
753 00:37:03,480 00:37:04,960 Just like at the drag show, Just like at the drag show,
754 00:37:05,040 00:37:07,280 it's time to get padded up and ready for action. it's time to get padded up and ready for action.
755 00:37:07,560 00:37:10,720 Our bowler is Ellyse Perry, 2019 Cricketer of the Year, Our bowler is Ellyse Perry, 2019 Cricketer of the Year,
756 00:37:11,480 00:37:13,280 known for her high bowling speeds. known for her high bowling speeds.
757 00:37:13,360 00:37:15,840 Not looking forward to being on the receiving end. Not looking forward to being on the receiving end.
758 00:37:16,360 00:37:17,360 No pressure. No pressure.
759 00:37:17,440 00:37:19,880 I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it.
760 00:37:19,960 00:37:21,640 Why are you dressed as a butcher? Why are you dressed as a butcher?
761 00:37:23,160 00:37:24,400 You look ridiculous. You look ridiculous.
762 00:37:24,920 00:37:26,240 Who's gonna go first? Who's gonna go first?
763 00:37:26,320 00:37:28,200 I think age before beauty, definitely. I think age before beauty, definitely.
764 00:37:28,280 00:37:29,880 -Okay, Mother. -Thank you very much. -Okay, Mother. -Thank you very much.
765 00:37:30,800 00:37:32,920 -Glove up. - Glove up. -Glove up. - Glove up.
766 00:37:33,000 00:37:35,360 To make it easy on us, we won't be scoring runs. To make it easy on us, we won't be scoring runs.
767 00:37:35,440 00:37:37,200 We'll each receive four balls, We'll each receive four balls,
768 00:37:37,280 00:37:39,680 and the person who's bowled out the least, wins. and the person who's bowled out the least, wins.
769 00:37:41,880 00:37:43,880 Have you got any good sausages on offer? Have you got any good sausages on offer?
770 00:37:45,480 00:37:46,480 Clean her out. Clean her out.
771 00:37:47,200 00:37:49,040 I hit one! I hit one!
772 00:37:49,120 00:37:51,800 Maybe one to the helmet now and then take her out. Maybe one to the helmet now and then take her out.
773 00:37:53,440 00:37:56,040 -Shot! - Nice shot, Hilary. -Shot! - Nice shot, Hilary.
774 00:37:56,160 00:37:57,320 Come on, Ellyse! Come on, Ellyse!
775 00:37:57,960 00:37:59,840 Clean her out, middle stump. Clean her out, middle stump.
776 00:38:04,320 00:38:06,040 - Fuck! -Are you all right? - Fuck! -Are you all right?
777 00:38:06,320 00:38:09,160 I've got rather an inadequate shoe to stop that one. I've got rather an inadequate shoe to stop that one.
778 00:38:11,760 00:38:14,080 -Oh! Bad luck, Mother. -Oh! Bad luck, Mother.
779 00:38:14,600 00:38:15,880 Mother's out once. Mother's out once.
780 00:38:15,960 00:38:19,200 All I need to do is not get bowled out, and I win. All I need to do is not get bowled out, and I win.
781 00:38:19,600 00:38:21,200 Time to settle an old score. Time to settle an old score.
782 00:38:21,640 00:38:24,600 I'm just trying to get Ellyse in the right frame of mind. I'm just trying to get Ellyse in the right frame of mind.
783 00:38:24,680 00:38:26,480 It's a pom, remember? Good luck. It's a pom, remember? Good luck.
784 00:38:27,080 00:38:28,000 Play. Play.
785 00:38:28,080 00:38:30,160 "Play"? That's not something umpires say. "Play"? That's not something umpires say.
786 00:38:32,560 00:38:34,440 - Oh, yes! - Yes. - Oh, yes! - Yes.
787 00:38:34,520 00:38:36,080 - Bollocks. - Yes! - Bollocks. - Yes!
788 00:38:36,160 00:38:39,960 That out means it's a draw. Must avoid total humiliation. That out means it's a draw. Must avoid total humiliation.
789 00:38:40,040 00:38:41,160 Oh, God. Oh, God.
790 00:38:42,240 00:38:45,080 I need to get into her head, Daddy. Be aggressive. I need to get into her head, Daddy. Be aggressive.
791 00:38:46,320 00:38:47,960 Nice shot. Nice shot.
792 00:38:48,040 00:38:49,560 Take that. Take that.
793 00:38:51,000 00:38:52,880 Why is he coming towards me? Why is he coming towards me?
794 00:38:53,480 00:38:55,080 That's very disconcerting. That's very disconcerting.
795 00:38:55,160 00:38:56,600 I'm trying to concentrate. I'm trying to concentrate.
796 00:38:56,680 00:38:59,600 I've got the ghost of Hamlet drifting towards me. I've got the ghost of Hamlet drifting towards me.
797 00:39:01,400 00:39:03,160 Just keep your ass in, Jack. Just keep your ass in, Jack.
798 00:39:04,280 00:39:05,200 Oi! Oi!
799 00:39:06,320 00:39:08,760 Okay, maybe taunting her wasn't a good idea. Okay, maybe taunting her wasn't a good idea.
800 00:39:09,280 00:39:10,320 You want some baby wipes? You want some baby wipes?
801 00:39:12,440 00:39:14,360 If I get bowled out, Mommy wins. If I get bowled out, Mommy wins.
802 00:39:14,440 00:39:17,720 And what's worse, Daddy's intentionally trying to put me off. And what's worse, Daddy's intentionally trying to put me off.
803 00:39:18,360 00:39:21,840 Must stay focused. Must stay focused.
804 00:39:21,920 00:39:23,760 My arm! My arm!
805 00:39:24,960 00:39:26,760 Yes, middle peg! Yes, middle peg!
806 00:39:27,600 00:39:28,840 I won! I won!
807 00:39:29,840 00:39:30,800 What are you doing? What are you doing?
808 00:39:30,880 00:39:32,720 High-five! Ellyse. High-five! Ellyse.
809 00:39:32,800 00:39:35,520 My watch strap. You know I have trouble with this watch strap. My watch strap. You know I have trouble with this watch strap.
810 00:39:35,600 00:39:39,080 -It got stuck with one of my hairs. What? -Don't shout just as the ball is coming. -It got stuck with one of my hairs. What? -Don't shout just as the ball is coming.
811 00:39:39,560 00:39:43,280 -I thought you were having a heart attack. -No, I just-- You try. -I thought you were having a heart attack. -No, I just-- You try.
812 00:39:43,680 00:39:46,000 It's quite painful if you've got a bracelet It's quite painful if you've got a bracelet
813 00:39:46,080 00:39:48,360 and you have a hair stuck in it. and you have a hair stuck in it.
814 00:39:48,440 00:39:50,760 -Look at the mark it's made. -I won. -Look at the mark it's made. -I won.
815 00:39:50,840 00:39:54,280 If a 79-year-old man shouts, "Oh, my arm!" you're gonna think that-- If a 79-year-old man shouts, "Oh, my arm!" you're gonna think that--
816 00:39:54,360 00:39:56,000 -No. -What's the forfeit? -No. -What's the forfeit?
817 00:39:56,080 00:39:58,680 You should see what we have in store for you. I can't tell yet. You should see what we have in store for you. I can't tell yet.
818 00:40:00,240 00:40:02,600 Typical! I've been ganged up on again. Typical! I've been ganged up on again.
819 00:40:04,200 00:40:05,440 Bowled by a girl. Bowled by a girl.
820 00:40:06,880 00:40:08,480 Bowled by a girl. Bowled by a girl.
821 00:40:08,560 00:40:11,520 She's the International Cricketer of the Year, not "a girl." She's the International Cricketer of the Year, not "a girl."
822 00:40:11,600 00:40:13,960 She's still a girl, whatever she is. She's still a girl, whatever she is.
823 00:40:14,520 00:40:17,760 -Pathetic. -I thought you were having a heart attack. -Pathetic. -I thought you were having a heart attack.
824 00:40:17,840 00:40:20,440 That's very sweet of you to have thought that. That's very sweet of you to have thought that.
825 00:40:20,520 00:40:23,560 What I say to you: don't get too up yourself What I say to you: don't get too up yourself
826 00:40:23,640 00:40:25,760 for having been bowled out by a woman. for having been bowled out by a woman.
827 00:40:25,840 00:40:29,840 Don't get ahead of yourself thinking that it was me turning around in sympathy. Don't get ahead of yourself thinking that it was me turning around in sympathy.
828 00:40:29,920 00:40:31,840 I was thinking, "Yes! Inheritance." I was thinking, "Yes! Inheritance."
829 00:40:32,800 00:40:36,200 Bitterly disappointed to see that it was just a hair in the watch strap. Bitterly disappointed to see that it was just a hair in the watch strap.
830 00:40:36,280 00:40:38,840 I could have scattered your ashes in your butcher shop. I could have scattered your ashes in your butcher shop.
831 00:40:39,440 00:40:41,200 Are you ready, Jack? Are you ready, Jack?
832 00:40:42,720 00:40:44,080 Brett has organized for me Brett has organized for me
833 00:40:44,160 00:40:47,640 to wear the Sydney Sixers mascot costume. Brilliant. to wear the Sydney Sixers mascot costume. Brilliant.
834 00:40:47,720 00:40:48,640 It's very tight. It's very tight.
835 00:40:48,720 00:40:50,720 And it's extremely hot. And it's extremely hot.
836 00:40:50,800 00:40:51,960 It's a bit kid-sized. It's a bit kid-sized.
837 00:40:54,200 00:40:55,160 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
838 00:40:56,760 00:40:57,600 Jack. Jack.
839 00:40:58,040 00:40:59,360 Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
840 00:40:59,840 00:41:01,720 I'm glad you're enjoying this moment. I'm glad you're enjoying this moment.
841 00:41:01,800 00:41:03,480 - I've got to get a picture. -No! - I've got to get a picture. -No!
842 00:41:03,560 00:41:05,720 -I am. Jack, smile! -Have you got that boxed? -I am. Jack, smile! -Have you got that boxed?
843 00:41:05,800 00:41:08,200 'Cause it's looking very skimpy down there. 'Cause it's looking very skimpy down there.
844 00:41:09,720 00:41:10,840 Honestly, I'm sorry. Honestly, I'm sorry.
845 00:41:10,920 00:41:11,760 -Good? -Yeah. -Good? -Yeah.
846 00:41:11,840 00:41:13,040 I love it. I love it.
847 00:41:13,120 00:41:14,920 - I need help up. -Literally love it. - I need help up. -Literally love it.
848 00:41:16,200 00:41:18,320 Can you give me a thumbs-up, Brett? Ready? Can you give me a thumbs-up, Brett? Ready?
849 00:41:19,440 00:41:20,360 Love it. Love it.
850 00:41:20,440 00:41:21,880 -Mate, this is gold. -Oh, God. -Mate, this is gold. -Oh, God.
851 00:41:21,960 00:41:23,840 - I'll see you later. -Okay, bye. - I'll see you later. -Okay, bye.
852 00:41:23,920 00:41:25,280 -Bye, Mom. Bye, Daddy. -Good-bye. -Bye, Mom. Bye, Daddy. -Good-bye.
853 00:41:25,360 00:41:26,200 -Bye. -High-five. -Bye. -High-five.
854 00:41:26,280 00:41:27,280 Wish me luck. Wish me luck.
855 00:41:27,840 00:41:28,720 See you, mate. See you, mate.
856 00:41:29,320 00:41:30,960 -Watch your feet. - Mind the wall! -Watch your feet. - Mind the wall!
857 00:41:31,040 00:41:33,200 -Jack! - Fuck. -Jack! - Fuck.
858 00:41:33,280 00:41:35,840 Help! It's very hard to see in this. Help! It's very hard to see in this.
859 00:41:35,920 00:41:37,880 The rosebush! You all right? The rosebush! You all right?
860 00:41:39,400 00:41:40,600 -You all right? -Yeah. -You all right? -Yeah.
861 00:41:40,680 00:41:42,400 - Bye. - Good-bye. - Bye. - Good-bye.
862 00:41:43,520 00:41:44,760 The crowds are gathering The crowds are gathering
863 00:41:44,840 00:41:48,120 because tonight the Melbourne Stars are playing the Sydney Sixers. because tonight the Melbourne Stars are playing the Sydney Sixers.
864 00:41:48,200 00:41:50,680 And it's my job to entertain the masses. And it's my job to entertain the masses.
865 00:41:56,040 00:41:58,320 -Big Jack Whitehall fan, are you? -What? -Big Jack Whitehall fan, are you? -What?
866 00:41:58,400 00:41:59,800 Big Jack Whitehall fan? Big Jack Whitehall fan?
867 00:41:59,880 00:42:01,280 Never heard of him, mate. Never heard of him, mate.
868 00:42:08,840 00:42:10,680 This was meant to be a forfeit, This was meant to be a forfeit,
869 00:42:11,440 00:42:14,120 but I feel like I've finally found my calling. but I feel like I've finally found my calling.
870 00:42:14,200 00:42:15,480 I was born to mascot. I was born to mascot.
871 00:42:16,400 00:42:17,720 This is the best job ever. This is the best job ever.
872 00:42:18,200 00:42:21,880 You can literally behave however you want, and everyone just goes with it. You can literally behave however you want, and everyone just goes with it.
873 00:42:23,400 00:42:25,160 Hey! Did you see that? Hey! Did you see that?
874 00:42:26,520 00:42:27,480 Hey. Hey.
875 00:42:28,000 00:42:30,320 It's my fuckin' turf, mate. What are you doing? It's my fuckin' turf, mate. What are you doing?
876 00:42:31,000 00:42:32,400 Go find your own space. Go find your own space.
877 00:42:32,960 00:42:34,280 Get off me! Get off me!
878 00:42:36,040 00:42:37,480 Don't make me 69 you. Don't make me 69 you.
879 00:42:41,000 00:42:42,200 Dick. Dick.
880 00:42:44,280 00:42:48,040 Just as I finish what was probably one of the best performances of my life, Just as I finish what was probably one of the best performances of my life,
881 00:42:48,560 00:42:49,680 the heavens open, the heavens open,
882 00:42:49,760 00:42:51,120 and play is suspended. and play is suspended.
883 00:42:54,400 00:42:57,440 So we decide to call it quits and head back to the hotel So we decide to call it quits and head back to the hotel
884 00:42:57,520 00:42:59,240 because tomorrow is a big day. because tomorrow is a big day.
885 00:43:06,400 00:43:08,520 This morning Mommy's packing to return home This morning Mommy's packing to return home
886 00:43:08,600 00:43:10,440 to organize my sister's wedding. to organize my sister's wedding.
887 00:43:10,520 00:43:15,000 And finally, Daddy and I can head off on our boys' road trip into the bush. And finally, Daddy and I can head off on our boys' road trip into the bush.
888 00:43:20,040 00:43:21,120 -G'day, mate. -G'day, mate.
889 00:43:22,840 00:43:24,600 Jack, please. Jack, please.
890 00:43:25,240 00:43:26,880 -Mumsa. -Hello. -Mumsa. -Hello.
891 00:43:27,800 00:43:29,560 You haven't come here to annoy me, have you? You haven't come here to annoy me, have you?
892 00:43:29,640 00:43:30,800 -No. -A lot to do. -No. -A lot to do.
893 00:43:30,880 00:43:33,520 Make sure he's got swimming trunks 'cause we're going up the coast. Make sure he's got swimming trunks 'cause we're going up the coast.
894 00:43:33,600 00:43:36,520 Can I just absolutely ascertain Can I just absolutely ascertain
895 00:43:36,920 00:43:40,400 that you'll promise me, promise, promise, promise... that you'll promise me, promise, promise, promise...
896 00:43:41,360 00:43:46,040 on Winston's life that you're gonna get... Michael back for the wedding on time. on Winston's life that you're gonna get... Michael back for the wedding on time.
897 00:43:46,120 00:43:48,800 I promise you 100% on my life I promise you 100% on my life
898 00:43:48,880 00:43:51,560 that I will get Daddy back in time for the wedding. that I will get Daddy back in time for the wedding.
899 00:43:51,640 00:43:53,360 -In one piece. -In one piece. -In one piece. -In one piece.
900 00:43:54,000 00:43:55,200 How do you focus this? How do you focus this?
901 00:43:55,280 00:44:00,160 The lens cap's on so that's probably why you're having a bit of difficulty. The lens cap's on so that's probably why you're having a bit of difficulty.
902 00:44:02,240 00:44:05,840 -I assume you want all your ties, Michael. - Yes. -I assume you want all your ties, Michael. - Yes.
903 00:44:05,920 00:44:06,960 "Yes." "Yes."
904 00:44:08,600 00:44:09,440 It's alive. It's alive.
905 00:44:10,000 00:44:12,160 How many Y-fronts do you want to keep? How many Y-fronts do you want to keep?
906 00:44:12,400 00:44:16,040 I'd probably get through with one pair 'cause you can wash them for me. I'd probably get through with one pair 'cause you can wash them for me.
907 00:44:16,120 00:44:18,160 Can I just say, Jack, on that front-- Can I just say, Jack, on that front--
908 00:44:18,240 00:44:20,000 I'm not washing his Y-fronts. I'm not washing his Y-fronts.
909 00:44:20,080 00:44:21,720 Do you know where to do it when traveling? Do you know where to do it when traveling?
910 00:44:21,800 00:44:23,040 You get in the bath, You get in the bath,
911 00:44:23,600 00:44:25,840 you put all the dirty underwear in the bath with you, you put all the dirty underwear in the bath with you,
912 00:44:25,920 00:44:28,600 you wash it with shampoo when you're having a bath. you wash it with shampoo when you're having a bath.
913 00:44:28,680 00:44:31,480 Then when you get out, you rinse it under the tap, Then when you get out, you rinse it under the tap,
914 00:44:31,560 00:44:33,880 hang it on a coat hanger, and you're done. You're good to go. hang it on a coat hanger, and you're done. You're good to go.
915 00:44:34,240 00:44:37,120 -You're a monster. -Actually, you have to roll it in a towel. -You're a monster. -Actually, you have to roll it in a towel.
916 00:44:37,200 00:44:39,960 -No, it's the way to do it. -My mother is a monster. -No, it's the way to do it. -My mother is a monster.
917 00:44:40,040 00:44:41,840 What time's your car to the airport? What time's your car to the airport?
918 00:44:42,640 00:44:45,000 -Hang on here. -Come on. Let's get this show on the road. -Hang on here. -Come on. Let's get this show on the road.
919 00:44:45,880 00:44:48,160 -Yeah. I haven't finished. - Hilary. -Yeah. I haven't finished. - Hilary.
920 00:44:48,240 00:44:49,720 You're being ridiculous. You're being ridiculous.
921 00:44:49,800 00:44:51,840 -Please don't make a mess. -It's all going to fit in. -Please don't make a mess. -It's all going to fit in.
922 00:44:51,920 00:44:54,560 -Just get-- Put it in. -I will do it. There's a system. -Just get-- Put it in. -I will do it. There's a system.
923 00:44:54,640 00:44:55,960 I'll show you how to pack. I'll show you how to pack.
924 00:44:57,160 00:45:00,600 Michael, can you get him out of here? 'Cause he's driving me nuts now. Michael, can you get him out of here? 'Cause he's driving me nuts now.
925 00:45:01,160 00:45:04,280 -That is so horrible. -No, it's so he can breathe on the plane. -That is so horrible. -No, it's so he can breathe on the plane.
926 00:45:05,800 00:45:08,800 -Absolutely ridiculous. -So ludicrous. -Absolutely ridiculous. -So ludicrous.
927 00:45:08,880 00:45:11,000 I'll go check on your Uber. I'll go check on your Uber.
928 00:45:11,720 00:45:14,840 It's gonna have to wait 'cause this is a disaster. It's gonna have to wait 'cause this is a disaster.
929 00:45:14,920 00:45:15,840 Sorry, Winsty. Sorry, Winsty.
930 00:45:16,400 00:45:17,760 Daddy's here now. Daddy's here now.
931 00:45:19,520 00:45:21,640 Do you know what, I'm actually honestly quite touched Do you know what, I'm actually honestly quite touched
932 00:45:21,720 00:45:25,000 that he's... excited about spending this time with me. that he's... excited about spending this time with me.
933 00:45:25,080 00:45:26,600 I thought his traveling days were over. I thought his traveling days were over.
934 00:45:27,320 00:45:30,480 Frankly I'd be prepared to go anywhere Frankly I'd be prepared to go anywhere
935 00:45:30,560 00:45:36,280 to avoid being in my house with Hilary talking about weddings. to avoid being in my house with Hilary talking about weddings.
936 00:45:37,840 00:45:40,520 With Mommy UK-bound and Daddy clearly ecstatic With Mommy UK-bound and Daddy clearly ecstatic
937 00:45:40,600 00:45:42,360 to be on another road trip with me, to be on another road trip with me,
938 00:45:42,440 00:45:45,880 we're leaving Sydney behind and driving north, up the coast we're leaving Sydney behind and driving north, up the coast
939 00:45:45,960 00:45:47,960 to Byron Bay, New South Wales. to Byron Bay, New South Wales.
940 00:45:48,920 00:45:51,280 After that, we're visiting Queensland After that, we're visiting Queensland
941 00:45:51,360 00:45:55,480 and then heading into the outback to Uluru, also known as Ayers Rock. and then heading into the outback to Uluru, also known as Ayers Rock.
942 00:45:57,640 00:46:01,200 I'm actually feeling very guilty that I've deserted your mother. I'm actually feeling very guilty that I've deserted your mother.
943 00:46:01,280 00:46:04,320 -Don't worry. We're gonna have fun. -What are we gonna do on this trip? -Don't worry. We're gonna have fun. -What are we gonna do on this trip?
944 00:46:04,400 00:46:06,040 We're heading into the bush now. We're heading into the bush now.
945 00:46:06,480 00:46:08,520 It's quite important, if we're heading into the bush, It's quite important, if we're heading into the bush,
946 00:46:08,600 00:46:11,200 that we do a bit of survival technique first. that we do a bit of survival technique first.
947 00:46:11,280 00:46:14,200 We're gonna meet a guy who's gonna take us through that. We're gonna meet a guy who's gonna take us through that.
948 00:46:14,400 00:46:16,640 So you can brush up on your bush survival skills, So you can brush up on your bush survival skills,
949 00:46:16,720 00:46:18,480 which will be very useful for you. which will be very useful for you.
950 00:46:21,680 00:46:23,080 What is that you're eating? What is that you're eating?
951 00:46:23,160 00:46:25,440 Lamington finger, it's an Aussie classic. Lamington finger, it's an Aussie classic.
952 00:46:25,520 00:46:26,880 Sounds gross. Sounds gross.
953 00:46:28,160 00:46:30,520 -A "Lamington finger"? -Yeah. -A "Lamington finger"? -Yeah.
954 00:46:30,600 00:46:32,600 Sounds like a thing at school. Sounds like a thing at school.
955 00:46:33,160 00:46:35,520 -Mr. Lamington, the head of geography... -Mr. Lamington, the head of geography...
956 00:46:35,600 00:46:37,400 ...and what he did with his finger. ...and what he did with his finger.
957 00:46:38,320 00:46:39,600 Really gross. Really gross.
958 00:46:41,440 00:46:43,480 Do you want me to slip you a Lamington finger? Do you want me to slip you a Lamington finger?
959 00:46:43,560 00:46:44,760 No, thank you. No, thank you.
960 00:46:46,240 00:46:48,240 In my mind, you can't go into the bush In my mind, you can't go into the bush
961 00:46:48,320 00:46:50,000 without knowing how to survive there, without knowing how to survive there,
962 00:46:50,080 00:46:53,840 so I've arranged to meet Mr. Wilderness himself, Cockatoo Paul. so I've arranged to meet Mr. Wilderness himself, Cockatoo Paul.
963 00:46:54,400 00:46:57,160 He's been teaching bushcraft for over 25 years, He's been teaching bushcraft for over 25 years,
964 00:46:57,240 00:46:58,640 and has even lived and learned and has even lived and learned
965 00:46:58,720 00:47:01,400 from Aboriginal communities throughout Australia. from Aboriginal communities throughout Australia.
966 00:47:01,480 00:47:03,520 He says he can teach anyone to be a bushman, He says he can teach anyone to be a bushman,
967 00:47:03,600 00:47:06,000 but Cockatoo Paul has never met us. but Cockatoo Paul has never met us.
968 00:47:06,400 00:47:07,800 G'day, mate. You get lost? G'day, mate. You get lost?
969 00:47:07,880 00:47:08,880 Yeah, sorry. Yeah, sorry.
970 00:47:08,960 00:47:10,720 -My father. -How do you do? -My father. -How do you do?
971 00:47:10,800 00:47:12,200 -Nice shirt, mate. -Nice to meet you. -Nice shirt, mate. -Nice to meet you.
972 00:47:12,280 00:47:13,200 Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
973 00:47:13,280 00:47:17,240 Today, I think he needs a bit of your help with survival... Today, I think he needs a bit of your help with survival...
974 00:47:18,320 00:47:20,480 how to get by in the bush. how to get by in the bush.
975 00:47:20,560 00:47:24,200 I watch a lot of nature documentaries, so I feel like I'm pretty well-equipped. I watch a lot of nature documentaries, so I feel like I'm pretty well-equipped.
976 00:47:24,280 00:47:26,320 You can watch as many Jackie Chan movies as you want, You can watch as many Jackie Chan movies as you want,
977 00:47:26,400 00:47:28,440 it's not gonna turn you into a black belt, is it? it's not gonna turn you into a black belt, is it?
978 00:47:28,520 00:47:30,400 So we need to go out and get our hands dirty. So we need to go out and get our hands dirty.
979 00:47:30,480 00:47:33,880 What I'm saying is that, he is, like-- You're starting from square one. What I'm saying is that, he is, like-- You're starting from square one.
980 00:47:33,960 00:47:36,000 With me, I would say I'm intermediary level. With me, I would say I'm intermediary level.
981 00:47:36,480 00:47:38,200 Oh. We'll soon find out, won't we? Oh. We'll soon find out, won't we?
982 00:47:38,280 00:47:40,920 -I'll be fine-tuning my bush skills. -All right. -I'll be fine-tuning my bush skills. -All right.
983 00:47:41,440 00:47:44,120 What do you do if there was a snake that attacked you? What do you do if there was a snake that attacked you?
984 00:47:44,200 00:47:45,520 Well, they don't, for a start. Well, they don't, for a start.
985 00:47:45,600 00:47:48,240 -Generally speaking, you-- -That's why it was a trick question. -Generally speaking, you-- -That's why it was a trick question.
986 00:47:48,320 00:47:50,480 -You don't poke them with a stick. -No. Wouldn't do that. -You don't poke them with a stick. -No. Wouldn't do that.
987 00:47:50,560 00:47:52,440 Unless you're gonna eat it, don't pick it up. Unless you're gonna eat it, don't pick it up.
988 00:47:52,520 00:47:55,520 But if it's just on the ground, stand your ground, chill out, But if it's just on the ground, stand your ground, chill out,
989 00:47:55,600 00:47:57,520 watch its beautifulness go past. watch its beautifulness go past.
990 00:47:57,600 00:47:59,760 I'd say that's the itinerary if you're a bit of a pussy. I'd say that's the itinerary if you're a bit of a pussy.
991 00:47:59,840 00:48:02,160 -If you wanna-- -But not you, because you're a hard man. -If you wanna-- -But not you, because you're a hard man.
992 00:48:02,240 00:48:03,200 Yes, exactly. Yes, exactly.
993 00:48:03,280 00:48:05,600 If you want to disable the snake, If you want to disable the snake,
994 00:48:06,080 00:48:08,320 -they have really bad vision. -Yes. -they have really bad vision. -Yes.
995 00:48:08,400 00:48:09,640 -That's true? -Yes. -That's true? -Yes.
996 00:48:09,720 00:48:12,480 Distract it with one hand, get it lookin' over there. Distract it with one hand, get it lookin' over there.
997 00:48:12,560 00:48:15,200 Grab it round the back of the head, de-fang it, Grab it round the back of the head, de-fang it,
998 00:48:15,280 00:48:16,640 pop off with its head, pop off with its head,
999 00:48:16,720 00:48:19,840 then you can piss down the neck and turn it into a hot water bottle. then you can piss down the neck and turn it into a hot water bottle.
1000 00:48:20,280 00:48:24,080 That's ridiculous. What you need to do-- If you go and grab some poisonous snake, That's ridiculous. What you need to do-- If you go and grab some poisonous snake,
1001 00:48:24,160 00:48:26,000 you got to make sure you're really good at yoga. you got to make sure you're really good at yoga.
1002 00:48:26,080 00:48:28,800 That way, if it bites you, you can put your head between your legs That way, if it bites you, you can put your head between your legs
1003 00:48:28,880 00:48:30,440 -and kiss your ass good-bye. -Right. -and kiss your ass good-bye. -Right.
1004 00:48:30,520 00:48:32,360 -So don't fuck around with snakes. -Okay. -So don't fuck around with snakes. -Okay.
1005 00:48:32,960 00:48:35,880 -Lead on, Macduff, as they say. -That way. Let's go. -Lead on, Macduff, as they say. -That way. Let's go.
1006 00:48:36,400 00:48:38,520 Quite wavy with that knife, aren't we? Quite wavy with that knife, aren't we?
1007 00:48:39,520 00:48:42,480 So how did you get into this bushman game? So how did you get into this bushman game?
1008 00:48:43,120 00:48:44,400 I've always been into it. I've always been into it.
1009 00:48:44,480 00:48:47,760 My grandparents on my mother's and father's side My grandparents on my mother's and father's side
1010 00:48:47,840 00:48:50,520 were both professional rabbit trappers during the Depression. were both professional rabbit trappers during the Depression.
1011 00:48:50,600 00:48:54,840 So, I learned how to track animals So, I learned how to track animals
1012 00:48:54,920 00:48:57,120 and how to find water and this kind of stuff and how to find water and this kind of stuff
1013 00:48:57,200 00:49:00,680 when I was a very young fella. I loved being outside. I loved nature. when I was a very young fella. I loved being outside. I loved nature.
1014 00:49:00,760 00:49:04,680 And I really get into the science part of nature. And I really get into the science part of nature.
1015 00:49:04,760 00:49:10,080 Rather than just the looking at things and like temporary pommy bloke over there, Rather than just the looking at things and like temporary pommy bloke over there,
1016 00:49:10,160 00:49:11,680 who's got about eight minutes to live. who's got about eight minutes to live.
1017 00:49:11,760 00:49:16,160 -Yeah. -More of the kind of real science-y stuff. -Yeah. -More of the kind of real science-y stuff.
1018 00:49:16,240 00:49:18,160 -Yeah. -That's what I enjoy. -Yeah. -That's what I enjoy.
1019 00:49:18,240 00:49:20,000 But-- You know what, But-- You know what,
1020 00:49:20,840 00:49:21,760 is he all right? is he all right?
1021 00:49:23,200 00:49:25,160 I wouldn't say "all right." I wouldn't say "all right."
1022 00:49:25,720 00:49:29,800 He is quite challenging for me and my wife. He is quite challenging for me and my wife.
1023 00:49:30,560 00:49:32,240 -He's eager to please. -Yeah. -He's eager to please. -Yeah.
1024 00:49:32,320 00:49:33,680 -That's the important thing. -Yeah. -That's the important thing. -Yeah.
1025 00:49:34,240 00:49:36,440 He will want to please you. He will want to please you.
1026 00:49:37,000 00:49:38,040 Don't eat that. Don't eat that.
1027 00:49:38,720 00:49:40,240 I used to have a dog like you. I used to have a dog like you.
1028 00:49:41,120 00:49:42,000 Shot the bastard. Shot the bastard.
1029 00:49:42,840 00:49:44,400 Wow, cold. Wow, cold.
1030 00:49:47,520 00:49:50,040 Right. Bush survival school in session. Right. Bush survival school in session.
1031 00:49:50,120 00:49:52,280 First up, look where you tread. First up, look where you tread.
1032 00:49:52,360 00:49:54,320 - That-- Something big dropped. -Hey! - That-- Something big dropped. -Hey!
1033 00:49:54,400 00:49:55,240 Fuck off. Fuck off.
1034 00:49:55,320 00:49:56,480 - Right. -What is it? - Right. -What is it?
1035 00:49:56,560 00:49:59,000 - No, no. - Oh, my God, that's enormous! - No, no. - Oh, my God, that's enormous!
1036 00:49:59,080 00:50:01,120 Cockatoo Paul, be careful. Be careful. Cockatoo Paul, be careful. Be careful.
1037 00:50:01,200 00:50:04,200 - No, stay back. -Look at the size of that fucker! - No, stay back. -Look at the size of that fucker!
1038 00:50:04,280 00:50:05,880 -Right. -Oh, my God! -Right. -Oh, my God!
1039 00:50:05,960 00:50:09,400 They bite you with the front, and they sting you with the tail. They bite you with the front, and they sting you with the tail.
1040 00:50:09,480 00:50:11,600 This is an Australian bulldog ant. This is an Australian bulldog ant.
1041 00:50:13,120 00:50:15,520 These are one of the largest ants on the planet. These are one of the largest ants on the planet.
1042 00:50:15,600 00:50:17,480 These things absolutely pack a punch. These things absolutely pack a punch.
1043 00:50:17,560 00:50:22,120 -Great. I'll take your word for it. -This is why I'm talking to you before -Great. I'll take your word for it. -This is why I'm talking to you before
1044 00:50:22,200 00:50:24,320 about not stuffing around too much about not stuffing around too much
1045 00:50:24,400 00:50:27,400 because, if you landed on a nest of those things, because, if you landed on a nest of those things,
1046 00:50:27,480 00:50:29,560 you're gonna be in 70 different colors of shit, you're gonna be in 70 different colors of shit,
1047 00:50:29,640 00:50:30,840 and they're all gonna be brown. and they're all gonna be brown.
1048 00:50:30,920 00:50:33,840 -Okay. Good to know. -So, watch him when you walk past him. -Okay. Good to know. -So, watch him when you walk past him.
1049 00:50:33,920 00:50:35,280 Cool. Got it. Cool. Got it.
1050 00:50:35,360 00:50:36,200 Awesome. Awesome.
1051 00:50:38,200 00:50:40,120 Gonna wait, just let him do his thing. Gonna wait, just let him do his thing.
1052 00:50:40,640 00:50:41,840 Just... go on. Just... go on.
1053 00:50:41,920 00:50:44,120 Out of the way, Jack. I'll deal with this. Out of the way, Jack. I'll deal with this.
1054 00:50:44,200 00:50:47,440 Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!
1055 00:50:47,520 00:50:49,880 -I don't think they respond to that. -It's gone. -I don't think they respond to that. -It's gone.
1056 00:50:49,960 00:50:51,880 Just needs a firm voice. Just needs a firm voice.
1057 00:50:53,080 00:50:53,920 Cleared. Cleared.
1058 00:50:54,840 00:50:57,480 Step two, know your creepy-crawlies. Step two, know your creepy-crawlies.
1059 00:50:57,560 00:50:59,840 -This is a golden orb spider. -Jesus! -This is a golden orb spider. -Jesus!
1060 00:50:59,920 00:51:04,800 All right, they're completely harmless, but they eat big things. All right, they're completely harmless, but they eat big things.
1061 00:51:04,880 00:51:07,520 They've been known to eat birds, bats... They've been known to eat birds, bats...
1062 00:51:08,440 00:51:09,680 -Fuck off! -What? -Fuck off! -What?
1063 00:51:10,280 00:51:11,920 -Totally fine. -That is not. -Totally fine. -That is not.
1064 00:51:12,000 00:51:13,400 -I was just-- -Don't do that. -I was just-- -Don't do that.
1065 00:51:13,480 00:51:16,480 -I was just putting my hand on... -I know what you were doing. -I was just putting my hand on... -I know what you were doing.
1066 00:51:16,560 00:51:17,560 -No. -You're not-- -No. -You're not--
1067 00:51:18,760 00:51:20,320 I was not scared. I thought-- I was not scared. I thought--
1068 00:51:21,160 00:51:22,720 I knew that that was your hand. I knew that that was your hand.
1069 00:51:24,360 00:51:27,800 Okay, I've just worked out where you get it from. Great. Okay. Okay, I've just worked out where you get it from. Great. Okay.
1070 00:51:28,800 00:51:31,680 And step three, what to do when you're caught short? And step three, what to do when you're caught short?
1071 00:51:32,360 00:51:34,000 What do you need to have a shit? What do you need to have a shit?
1072 00:51:35,080 00:51:36,400 -Um... -What are the-- -Um... -What are the--
1073 00:51:36,480 00:51:38,360 When you're at home, what do you normally have? When you're at home, what do you normally have?
1074 00:51:38,440 00:51:39,920 -A lavatory. -A lavatory. -A lavatory. -A lavatory.
1075 00:51:40,000 00:51:44,840 The best safe way to do this so you're not infecting the area-- The best safe way to do this so you're not infecting the area--
1076 00:51:44,920 00:51:48,600 Especially if you're camping a long time, you don't want flies landing on your shit. Especially if you're camping a long time, you don't want flies landing on your shit.
1077 00:51:48,680 00:51:50,160 We need two holes. We need two holes.
1078 00:51:50,240 00:51:52,400 First hole, decoy shit. First hole, decoy shit.
1079 00:51:52,960 00:51:57,000 Yep, go down, drop a little nugget in the first hole. Yep, go down, drop a little nugget in the first hole.
1080 00:51:57,520 00:52:00,760 Every fly in the neighborhood will just zip onto that one. Every fly in the neighborhood will just zip onto that one.
1081 00:52:00,840 00:52:03,400 You scurry over with your pants around your ankles, You scurry over with your pants around your ankles,
1082 00:52:03,480 00:52:05,800 have your shit in peace in the second hole. have your shit in peace in the second hole.
1083 00:52:06,160 00:52:08,240 -Decoy nugget. -You're a genius. -Decoy nugget. -You're a genius.
1084 00:52:09,240 00:52:11,160 -Australians, mate. -A genius of a man. -Australians, mate. -A genius of a man.
1085 00:52:13,240 00:52:14,640 I like Cockatoo Paul. I like Cockatoo Paul.
1086 00:52:15,040 00:52:17,320 I like him too. I think he's very sweet. I like him too. I think he's very sweet.
1087 00:52:18,240 00:52:21,840 He's not what I'd call refined, particularly. He's not what I'd call refined, particularly.
1088 00:52:21,920 00:52:25,400 I'm not sure that he'd fit in to the Putney set. I'm not sure that he'd fit in to the Putney set.
1089 00:52:26,360 00:52:30,880 Imagine having him at a dinner party with the Mullinses, Imagine having him at a dinner party with the Mullinses,
1090 00:52:31,520 00:52:34,640 and telling Edwin how he could dig a hole in his garden and telling Edwin how he could dig a hole in his garden
1091 00:52:34,720 00:52:36,080 and fill it up with shit. and fill it up with shit.
1092 00:52:39,760 00:52:40,960 Fellas, check this out. Fellas, check this out.
1093 00:52:43,320 00:52:44,840 What the fuck? What the fuck?
1094 00:52:44,920 00:52:47,240 -What is that? - Something you could make -What is that? - Something you could make
1095 00:52:47,320 00:52:50,240 -a whole water bottle out of, Jack. - A carpet python. -a whole water bottle out of, Jack. - A carpet python.
1096 00:52:50,320 00:52:52,400 It's a female carpet python. It's a female carpet python.
1097 00:52:52,480 00:52:54,040 -It's enormous. -Have a look. -It's enormous. -Have a look.
1098 00:52:54,720 00:52:55,760 No, I don't want to see. No, I don't want to see.
1099 00:52:55,840 00:52:57,520 -I can see it from here. -Come on. -I can see it from here. -Come on.
1100 00:52:57,600 00:52:59,480 -No, this is a very good-- - He's sweet. -No, this is a very good-- - He's sweet.
1101 00:52:59,560 00:53:00,840 Stay away from me. Stay away from me.
1102 00:53:00,920 00:53:02,920 I don't want to. I can see it from here. I don't want to. I can see it from here.
1103 00:53:03,480 00:53:04,840 How would it get you? How would it get you?
1104 00:53:04,920 00:53:07,200 Well, they don't. This is not gonna hurt you at all. Well, they don't. This is not gonna hurt you at all.
1105 00:53:07,280 00:53:10,400 They can bite, but they don't have any venom. They can bite, but they don't have any venom.
1106 00:53:10,480 00:53:12,240 Look at its cold, scaly skin. Look at its cold, scaly skin.
1107 00:53:12,320 00:53:13,560 No, it's sweet. No, it's sweet.
1108 00:53:13,640 00:53:14,520 What? What?
1109 00:53:15,520 00:53:16,600 Oh, very funny. Oh, very funny.
1110 00:53:18,000 00:53:19,760 So typical, Jack. So typical, Jack.
1111 00:53:19,840 00:53:21,720 -Come have a little hold. -No, I don't want to. -Come have a little hold. -No, I don't want to.
1112 00:53:21,800 00:53:23,480 -Come on. -Daddy, stay away. -Come on. -Daddy, stay away.
1113 00:53:23,560 00:53:25,840 -He's sweet, sweet snake. -Daddy! Stop it. -He's sweet, sweet snake. -Daddy! Stop it.
1114 00:53:25,920 00:53:27,000 No, I don't want it. No, I don't want it.
1115 00:53:27,080 00:53:30,000 -Ooh, scaredy cat. -Daddy, stop right there. -Ooh, scaredy cat. -Daddy, stop right there.
1116 00:53:30,080 00:53:33,760 Cockatoo Paul, please come and take-- Get the python off him. Cockatoo Paul, please come and take-- Get the python off him.
1117 00:53:34,520 00:53:36,880 Get your working man hands just like this, yeah? Get your working man hands just like this, yeah?
1118 00:53:36,960 00:53:39,400 -No, I can't do it. -Yeah, you can. You can. -No, I can't do it. -Yeah, you can. You can.
1119 00:53:39,480 00:53:40,560 I don't want it. I don't want it.
1120 00:53:41,200 00:53:44,120 If you don't want to play with it, this fella's going back into the bush. If you don't want to play with it, this fella's going back into the bush.
1121 00:53:45,120 00:53:46,200 -Put him back. -Yep. -Put him back. -Yep.
1122 00:53:48,560 00:53:51,160 How was that, fellas? Did you enjoy that afternoon? How was that, fellas? Did you enjoy that afternoon?
1123 00:53:51,240 00:53:53,080 - Yeah, it was good. - Very good. - Yeah, it was good. - Very good.
1124 00:53:53,160 00:53:55,640 -You feel-- - I feel like I'm now a bushman. -You feel-- - I feel like I'm now a bushman.
1125 00:53:56,280 00:54:00,680 I was scared of Mother Nature, fearful and respectful, and now... I was scared of Mother Nature, fearful and respectful, and now...
1126 00:54:01,920 00:54:02,800 she's my bitch. she's my bitch.
1127 00:54:03,160 00:54:04,080 Really? Really?
1128 00:54:04,480 00:54:06,240 I will feast from her bosom. I will feast from her bosom.
1129 00:54:07,280 00:54:09,840 I will dig holes in her and drop nuggets in them. I will dig holes in her and drop nuggets in them.
1130 00:54:09,920 00:54:12,680 I will wipe my bum on her che-- I will wipe my bum on her che--
1131 00:54:14,720 00:54:17,600 You are a 79-year-old man. It is not funny. You are a 79-year-old man. It is not funny.
1132 00:54:18,080 00:54:19,120 Stop doing that. Stop doing that.
1133 00:54:19,200 00:54:22,000 -You jumped very quickly. - I did not jump. -You jumped very quickly. - I did not jump.
1134 00:54:22,080 00:54:25,080 -You did. You thought it was that snake. - No, I did not. -You did. You thought it was that snake. - No, I did not.
1135 00:54:25,160 00:54:26,640 The bush jitters, mate? The bush jitters, mate?
1136 00:54:27,160 00:54:28,400 I'm not scared anymore. I'm not scared anymore.
1137 00:54:28,480 00:54:31,360 So scared you almost dropped a decoy nugget. So scared you almost dropped a decoy nugget.
1138 00:54:35,240 00:54:37,800 I think we can safely say that we wouldn't last I think we can safely say that we wouldn't last
1139 00:54:37,880 00:54:39,920 more than five minutes in the bush. more than five minutes in the bush.
1140 00:54:40,400 00:54:45,360 Next we headed a few miles up the coast for a spot of beach action. Next we headed a few miles up the coast for a spot of beach action.
1141 00:54:45,440 00:54:46,440 Down here. Down here.
1142 00:54:51,320 00:54:54,080 We can't come to Australia and not go to a beach. We can't come to Australia and not go to a beach.
1143 00:54:54,160 00:54:57,080 I can think of very good reasons why not to. I can think of very good reasons why not to.
1144 00:54:59,040 00:55:01,520 I loathe beaches, and you know it. I loathe beaches, and you know it.
1145 00:55:01,600 00:55:03,560 - Who loathes beaches? -I loathe them. - Who loathes beaches? -I loathe them.
1146 00:55:03,640 00:55:05,960 -Everyone likes beaches. -Not me. -Everyone likes beaches. -Not me.
1147 00:55:06,040 00:55:08,600 I spent my youth as a child I spent my youth as a child
1148 00:55:08,680 00:55:12,840 going on the most terrible beaches in the 1940s. going on the most terrible beaches in the 1940s.
1149 00:55:12,920 00:55:16,080 -Margate, Ramsgate, all those places. -Normandy? -Margate, Ramsgate, all those places. -Normandy?
1150 00:55:16,720 00:55:18,440 No, not Normandy. No, not Normandy.
1151 00:55:20,720 00:55:21,560 There we are. There we are.
1152 00:55:22,240 00:55:24,960 I mean, there is no way I'm getting under that. I mean, there is no way I'm getting under that.
1153 00:55:25,040 00:55:27,240 I'd need to be lying on my back to get in there. I'd need to be lying on my back to get in there.
1154 00:55:27,320 00:55:29,120 I've got you a chair as well. I've got you a chair as well.
1155 00:55:29,200 00:55:31,360 Yeah, well that looks quite comfortable. Yeah, well that looks quite comfortable.
1156 00:55:31,760 00:55:33,000 Get under there. Get under there.
1157 00:55:34,120 00:55:36,560 I meant to bring a newspaper. I meant to bring a newspaper.
1158 00:55:37,320 00:55:40,200 Did you bring any kind of picnicking arrangements? Did you bring any kind of picnicking arrangements?
1159 00:55:40,280 00:55:41,920 There's rosé in there. There's rosé in there.
1160 00:55:42,000 00:55:44,480 -I'll go get you a newspaper. -Yeah. -I'll go get you a newspaper. -Yeah.
1161 00:55:44,560 00:55:46,280 You stay here and relax, Daddy. You stay here and relax, Daddy.
1162 00:55:46,360 00:55:49,800 Right. I can just sit quietly here in the peace. Right. I can just sit quietly here in the peace.
1163 00:55:49,880 00:55:52,440 -Yeah. -In fact, I might have a little doze. -Yeah. -In fact, I might have a little doze.
1164 00:55:52,520 00:55:53,360 All right. All right.
1165 00:55:56,840 00:55:59,080 Daddy may be over his phobia of beaches. Daddy may be over his phobia of beaches.
1166 00:56:01,320 00:56:04,000 I have to come clean. There may be one small element I have to come clean. There may be one small element
1167 00:56:04,320 00:56:06,560 to this beach that I didn't mention to Daddy. to this beach that I didn't mention to Daddy.
1168 00:56:10,680 00:56:12,200 I know some jokes get old. I know some jokes get old.
1169 00:56:12,880 00:56:14,880 I just don't think this is one of them. I just don't think this is one of them.
1170 00:56:16,200 00:56:17,200 Ahh. Ahh.
1171 00:56:17,280 00:56:19,680 We all remember how much he loved naked yoga. We all remember how much he loved naked yoga.
1172 00:56:31,080 00:56:32,120 No! No!
1173 00:56:33,560 00:56:37,200 Little fucker, stitched me up again. Little fucker, stitched me up again.
1174 00:56:43,200 00:56:44,400 Fuckin' hell. Fuckin' hell.
1175 00:56:46,600 00:56:47,640 Jesus. Jesus.
1176 00:56:52,960 00:56:54,280 Oh, very funny. Oh, very funny.
1177 00:56:54,760 00:56:55,840 What? What?
1178 00:56:55,920 00:56:57,080 You know what. You know what.
1179 00:56:57,160 00:56:58,480 What? Here's your paper. What? Here's your paper.
1180 00:56:59,040 00:57:00,920 This is a nudist beach, isn't it? This is a nudist beach, isn't it?
1181 00:57:01,000 00:57:02,160 -Is it? -Ha, ha. -Is it? -Ha, ha.
1182 00:57:04,320 00:57:05,880 So what's the plan now? So what's the plan now?
1183 00:57:07,640 00:57:08,960 Do you want to play Frisbee? Do you want to play Frisbee?
1184 00:57:14,600 00:57:16,320 If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
1185 00:57:18,040 00:57:19,600 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
1186 00:57:22,800 00:57:25,360 Hey, guys! Room for a small one? Hey, guys! Room for a small one?
1187 00:57:27,400 00:57:29,040 Unbelievable, that boy. Unbelievable, that boy.
1188 00:57:29,120 00:57:32,440 Oh, yes. I can tell you this is going to be an adventure Oh, yes. I can tell you this is going to be an adventure
1189 00:57:32,520 00:57:34,200 Michael won't soon forget. Michael won't soon forget.
1190 00:57:38,000 00:57:39,440 Right, let's go cause some havoc. Right, let's go cause some havoc.
1191 00:57:39,520 00:57:42,080 What are we hitting up first? Tattoo parlor? Gun shop? What are we hitting up first? Tattoo parlor? Gun shop?
1192 00:57:42,160 00:57:43,320 The picnic area. The picnic area.
1193 00:57:43,400 00:57:44,280 For fuck's sake. For fuck's sake.
1194 00:57:45,360 00:57:46,960 Oh, my God, look at it. Come here! Oh, my God, look at it. Come here!
1195 00:57:47,040 00:57:49,880 This is a complete and utter waste of time. This is a complete and utter waste of time.
1196 00:57:52,200 00:57:54,520 - No! -Daddy, have a little bit of goon sack. - No! -Daddy, have a little bit of goon sack.
1197 00:57:54,600 00:57:56,200 -No! No! -Daddy! -No! No! -Daddy!
1198 00:57:56,280 00:58:00,040 -Come on. Let's get this shirt off. -No fucking way. -Come on. Let's get this shirt off. -No fucking way.
1199 00:58:02,280 00:58:04,240 Jesus! Jesus!
1199 00:58:02,280 00:58:04,240 Jesus! Jesus!