# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:06,900 00:00:08,166 (cool jazz music) (cool jazz music)
2 00:00:08,233 00:00:10,233 MARK: John Hunchman and David Purefoy. MARK: John Hunchman and David Purefoy.
3 00:00:10,300 00:00:11,433 How you boys been? How you boys been?
4 00:00:11,500 00:00:13,666 Man, oh, man, look at you guys. Man, oh, man, look at you guys.
5 00:00:13,733 00:00:15,000 Hunchman, you still got Hunchman, you still got
6 00:00:15,066 00:00:16,600 that backpack with pink stripes? that backpack with pink stripes?
7 00:00:16,666 00:00:17,966 You know, the one from the eighth grade? You know, the one from the eighth grade?
8 00:00:18,033 00:00:19,033 ‐Uh‐huh. ‐Remember that one? ‐Uh‐huh. ‐Remember that one?
9 00:00:19,100 00:00:20,933 As I've told you before, no, I do not. As I've told you before, no, I do not.
10 00:00:21,000 00:00:22,366 (laughs) (laughs)
11 00:00:22,433 00:00:24,200 We used to kill him over that backpack, huh, Dave? We used to kill him over that backpack, huh, Dave?
12 00:00:24,266 00:00:25,400 ‐(chuckles) ‐Right? ‐(chuckles) ‐Right?
13 00:00:25,466 00:00:27,733 Damn, pink stripes, you kidding me? Damn, pink stripes, you kidding me?
14 00:00:27,800 00:00:29,166 ‐On a backpack? ‐Yeah. ‐On a backpack? ‐Yeah.
15 00:00:29,233 00:00:30,966 Those pink stripes were pretty bad. Those pink stripes were pretty bad.
16 00:00:31,033 00:00:32,500 Hey, what's new with you, Pure‐if? Hey, what's new with you, Pure‐if?
17 00:00:32,566 00:00:34,300 ‐What's up? ‐You know, I'm chilling. ‐What's up? ‐You know, I'm chilling.
18 00:00:34,366 00:00:36,933 I got a cool thing going with a lady. I got a cool thing going with a lady.
19 00:00:37,000 00:00:40,233 Oh, prithee do tell, young lad. Oh, prithee do tell, young lad.
20 00:00:40,300 00:00:41,600 Ugh, prithee no thank you. Ugh, prithee no thank you.
21 00:00:41,666 00:00:45,266 Casual, hot, don't have to spend money on her. Casual, hot, don't have to spend money on her.
22 00:00:45,333 00:00:47,833 ‐Don't have to spend the night. ‐Real chivalrous, David. ‐Don't have to spend the night. ‐Real chivalrous, David.
23 00:00:47,900 00:00:49,366 And she's a total freak too. And she's a total freak too.
24 00:00:49,433 00:00:53,133 She had me take one of those big, blue ceramic dogs‐‐ She had me take one of those big, blue ceramic dogs‐‐
25 00:00:53,200 00:00:54,533 ‐Hey, old man. ‐Uh‐‐ ‐Hey, old man. ‐Uh‐‐
26 00:00:54,600 00:00:56,666 No one wants to hear about your sex life No one wants to hear about your sex life
27 00:00:56,733 00:00:57,900 with your droopy balls. with your droopy balls.
28 00:00:57,966 00:00:59,300 Wait, who are you again? Wait, who are you again?
29 00:00:59,366 00:01:01,966 I'm Lance, and don't you forget the name. I'm Lance, and don't you forget the name.
30 00:01:02,033 00:01:03,500 It's Lance. It's Lance.
31 00:01:03,566 00:01:06,000 Uh, Lance is my client. He's the reason y'all are here. Uh, Lance is my client. He's the reason y'all are here.
32 00:01:06,066 00:01:07,400 I pay y'all by the hour, right? I pay y'all by the hour, right?
33 00:01:07,466 00:01:09,466 So stop wasting my time with this bullshit So stop wasting my time with this bullshit
34 00:01:09,533 00:01:11,633 about pink backpacks and whatever skank about pink backpacks and whatever skank
35 00:01:11,700 00:01:13,200 this old‐ass loser's hooking up with. this old‐ass loser's hooking up with.
36 00:01:13,266 00:01:15,033 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, she's not a skank. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, she's not a skank.
37 00:01:15,100 00:01:17,500 Uh, she's with you, right? So she's a skank. Uh, she's with you, right? So she's a skank.
38 00:01:17,566 00:01:20,600 Okay, okay, settle down, Lance. Just relax. Okay, okay, settle down, Lance. Just relax.
39 00:01:20,666 00:01:24,833 Uh, look, Lance, why don't you explain your situation Uh, look, Lance, why don't you explain your situation
40 00:01:24,900 00:01:26,533 to our colleagues. to our colleagues.
41 00:01:26,600 00:01:29,566 Pay attention. Pay attention.
42 00:01:29,633 00:01:33,066 Me and my mom live alone. Someone's harassing us. Me and my mom live alone. Someone's harassing us.
43 00:01:33,133 00:01:34,500 It happens at night. It happens at night.
44 00:01:34,566 00:01:35,700 (wood crashes) (wood crashes)
45 00:01:35,766 00:01:37,100 Furniture crashing. Furniture crashing.
46 00:01:37,166 00:01:38,100 (floor creaking) (floor creaking)
47 00:01:38,166 00:01:40,300 Creaky floor. Creaky floor.
48 00:01:40,366 00:01:42,800 Drippy faucet even though I turned that shit off. Drippy faucet even though I turned that shit off.
49 00:01:42,866 00:01:44,033 (ghostly moan) (ghostly moan)
50 00:01:44,100 00:01:46,133 Creepy moaning. ‐Uh‐huh. Creepy moaning. ‐Uh‐huh.
51 00:01:46,200 00:01:47,266 You know, it sounds like it could be a‐‐ You know, it sounds like it could be a‐‐
52 00:01:47,333 00:01:49,200 A ghost? Yeah, no duh. A ghost? Yeah, no duh.
53 00:01:49,266 00:01:51,000 It's a ghost. ‐I was gonna say your mom. It's a ghost. ‐I was gonna say your mom.
54 00:01:51,066 00:01:52,200 What'd you say about my mom? What'd you say about my mom?
55 00:01:52,266 00:01:53,233 DAVID: No, I don't mean it like that. DAVID: No, I don't mean it like that.
56 00:01:53,300 00:01:54,700 You think my mom is a ghost? You think my mom is a ghost?
57 00:01:54,766 00:01:55,800 No, I'm just saying‐‐ No, I'm just saying‐‐
58 00:01:55,866 00:01:57,800 She works two jobs just to provide for me. She works two jobs just to provide for me.
59 00:01:57,866 00:02:00,700 Keep talking 'bout my mom. See what happens. Keep talking 'bout my mom. See what happens.
60 00:02:00,766 00:02:03,033 Oh, okay, easy, son, easy. Oh, okay, easy, son, easy.
61 00:02:03,100 00:02:04,733 Damn, we got a live one here, boys. Damn, we got a live one here, boys.
62 00:02:04,800 00:02:06,033 (chuckles) (chuckles)
63 00:02:06,100 00:02:07,900 I'll straight murk you, you Angela Lansbury, I'll straight murk you, you Angela Lansbury,
64 00:02:07,966 00:02:09,000 old‐ass looking bitch. old‐ass looking bitch.
65 00:02:09,066 00:02:11,100 Okay, okay, let's focus please. Okay, okay, let's focus please.
66 00:02:11,166 00:02:12,966 Uh, Taggy, what do you want us to do? Uh, Taggy, what do you want us to do?
67 00:02:13,033 00:02:14,633 Well, serve papers like always. Well, serve papers like always.
68 00:02:14,700 00:02:17,533 Well, okay, but to whom are we serving these papers? Well, okay, but to whom are we serving these papers?
69 00:02:17,600 00:02:20,066 To the ghost. Damn, y'all are dense. To the ghost. Damn, y'all are dense.
70 00:02:20,133 00:02:21,500 What, seriously? What, seriously?
71 00:02:21,566 00:02:24,966 My mom says it's a ghost, and I always protect my mom, My mom says it's a ghost, and I always protect my mom,
72 00:02:25,033 00:02:26,566 so I'm suing it. so I'm suing it.
73 00:02:26,633 00:02:30,033 First ever ghost lawsuit‐‐ lawyer hall of fame, me. First ever ghost lawsuit‐‐ lawyer hall of fame, me.
74 00:02:30,100 00:02:31,600 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
75 00:02:31,666 00:02:32,633 Okay. Okay.
76 00:02:32,700 00:02:33,933 You know Kendra at Skull and Sage? You know Kendra at Skull and Sage?
77 00:02:34,000 00:02:36,433 Yeah, the dumb new age shop where dog food city used to be. Yeah, the dumb new age shop where dog food city used to be.
78 00:02:36,500 00:02:38,866 Oh, don't say "new age" around Kendra. Oh, don't say "new age" around Kendra.
79 00:02:38,933 00:02:40,566 She'll put a hex on your ass. She'll put a hex on your ass.
80 00:02:40,633 00:02:43,066 Anyway, Kendra's got one of them thingamajigs Anyway, Kendra's got one of them thingamajigs
81 00:02:43,133 00:02:45,033 for texting with ghosts and witches and whatnot. for texting with ghosts and witches and whatnot.
82 00:02:45,100 00:02:46,166 You're talking about a Woojoo board? You're talking about a Woojoo board?
83 00:02:46,233 00:02:47,266 MARK: Yeah, that's it. MARK: Yeah, that's it.
84 00:02:47,333 00:02:48,233 (chuckles) This is ridiculous. (chuckles) This is ridiculous.
85 00:02:48,300 00:02:50,233 ‐What'd you say? ‐Um, nothing. ‐What'd you say? ‐Um, nothing.
86 00:02:50,300 00:02:51,966 All right, here's the summons. All right, here's the summons.
87 00:02:52,033 00:02:53,566 Lance'll take you boys to his house Lance'll take you boys to his house
88 00:02:53,633 00:02:56,333 once it's dark out. Kendra will meet you there. once it's dark out. Kendra will meet you there.
89 00:02:56,400 00:02:59,733 Use her Woojoo board to contact the ghost, then serve him Use her Woojoo board to contact the ghost, then serve him
90 00:02:59,800 00:03:01,866 and tell that undead, see‐through son of a gun and tell that undead, see‐through son of a gun
91 00:03:01,933 00:03:04,600 I'll be seeing him in court. What could go wrong? I'll be seeing him in court. What could go wrong?
92 00:03:04,666 00:03:05,566 (thunder crashes) (thunder crashes)
93 00:03:05,633 00:03:08,566 (dramatic music) (dramatic music)
94 00:03:08,633 00:03:11,733 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
95 00:03:11,800 00:03:15,300 So, Lance, what grade are you in? So, Lance, what grade are you in?
96 00:03:15,366 00:03:17,066 You know what sucks about this ghost? You know what sucks about this ghost?
97 00:03:17,133 00:03:18,866 I can't physically beat the shit out of it I can't physically beat the shit out of it
98 00:03:18,933 00:03:21,433 because it's mist or some shit. because it's mist or some shit.
99 00:03:21,500 00:03:25,033 Oh, I would love to just wail on this motherfucker. Oh, I would love to just wail on this motherfucker.
100 00:03:25,100 00:03:26,400 Dude, I hear you. It's just‐‐ Dude, I hear you. It's just‐‐
101 00:03:26,466 00:03:28,100 ‐Man, shut up. ‐Okay. ‐Man, shut up. ‐Okay.
102 00:03:28,166 00:03:30,466 Wish I still had my butterfly knife. Wish I still had my butterfly knife.
103 00:03:30,533 00:03:31,366 I don't. I don't.
104 00:03:31,433 00:03:32,733 ‐Take a right here. ‐Okay. ‐Take a right here. ‐Okay.
105 00:03:32,800 00:03:33,700 Last house on the left. Last house on the left.
106 00:03:33,766 00:03:35,533 (owl hoots) (owl hoots)
107 00:03:35,600 00:03:37,166 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
108 00:03:37,233 00:03:39,266 Uh, are you sure this is it, Lance? Uh, are you sure this is it, Lance?
109 00:03:39,333 00:03:41,333 (chuckles) Yes, I'm sure. (chuckles) Yes, I'm sure.
110 00:03:41,400 00:03:43,200 It's my damn house where I live, It's my damn house where I live,
111 00:03:43,266 00:03:45,766 you stupid fucking piece of shit. you stupid fucking piece of shit.
112 00:03:47,000 00:03:48,600 There's Kendra. Let's go. There's Kendra. Let's go.
113 00:03:48,666 00:03:49,800 John, I gotta tell you something. John, I gotta tell you something.
114 00:03:49,866 00:03:52,133 No, David, not now. Let's just get this over with. No, David, not now. Let's just get this over with.
115 00:03:52,200 00:03:54,233 It's bad. It's gonna be bad. It's bad. It's gonna be bad.
116 00:03:54,300 00:03:56,266 David, relax. It's gonna be fine. David, relax. It's gonna be fine.
117 00:03:56,333 00:03:58,233 Hey, y'all. I'm Kendra. Hey, y'all. I'm Kendra.
118 00:03:58,300 00:03:59,966 You ready for your Woojoo session? You ready for your Woojoo session?
119 00:04:00,033 00:04:01,100 Ah, well, if we said no, Ah, well, if we said no,
120 00:04:01,166 00:04:02,700 "Woojoo" hold it against us, Kendra? "Woojoo" hold it against us, Kendra?
121 00:04:02,766 00:04:03,700 (chuckles) (chuckles)
122 00:04:03,766 00:04:05,166 Please don't joke. Please don't joke.
123 00:04:05,233 00:04:07,166 Humor is a sign of spiritual weakness. Humor is a sign of spiritual weakness.
124 00:04:07,233 00:04:08,400 (groans quietly) (groans quietly)
125 00:04:08,466 00:04:09,666 We wanna have a successful session. We wanna have a successful session.
126 00:04:09,733 00:04:11,233 Come on, attic's upstairs. Come on, attic's upstairs.
127 00:04:11,300 00:04:12,533 (spooky music) (spooky music)
128 00:04:12,600 00:04:15,033 Ooh, I wanna go home. Ooh, I wanna go home.
129 00:04:15,100 00:04:17,400 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
130 00:04:17,466 00:04:18,666 (thunder cracks) (thunder cracks)
131 00:04:18,733 00:04:22,000 So tonight we'll be using this Woojoo board So tonight we'll be using this Woojoo board
132 00:04:22,066 00:04:24,000 made from sustainably forested cedar. made from sustainably forested cedar.
133 00:04:24,066 00:04:24,966 Sure. Sure.
134 00:04:25,033 00:04:26,500 It's paired with these hematite crystals It's paired with these hematite crystals
135 00:04:26,566 00:04:28,266 and this locally sourced goat's blood. and this locally sourced goat's blood.
136 00:04:28,333 00:04:30,266 ‐All right, that's disgusting. ‐Whoa. ‐All right, that's disgusting. ‐Whoa.
137 00:04:30,333 00:04:33,900 This is to purify our intention. This is to purify our intention.
138 00:04:33,966 00:04:36,066 ‐What is this exactly? ‐Fairy pus. ‐What is this exactly? ‐Fairy pus.
139 00:04:36,133 00:04:37,233 ‐Oh! ‐Ugh, okay. ‐Oh! ‐Ugh, okay.
140 00:04:37,300 00:04:38,233 Don't worry. It's organic. Don't worry. It's organic.
141 00:04:38,300 00:04:39,600 That's not my concern. That's not my concern.
142 00:04:39,666 00:04:41,600 ‐Place your fingers like this. ‐JOHN: Ugh. ‐Place your fingers like this. ‐JOHN: Ugh.
143 00:04:41,666 00:04:44,866 Remember, don't move it. The spirit does. Remember, don't move it. The spirit does.
144 00:04:44,933 00:04:47,233 ‐Empty your intention. ‐Okay. ‐Empty your intention. ‐Okay.
145 00:04:47,300 00:04:48,633 ‐Sure. ‐Done. ‐Sure. ‐Done.
146 00:04:48,700 00:04:50,966 No, hang on, I haven't emptied my intention yet, David. No, hang on, I haven't emptied my intention yet, David.
147 00:04:51,033 00:04:52,466 ‐Come on, hurry up. ‐Wait, please. ‐Come on, hurry up. ‐Wait, please.
148 00:04:52,533 00:04:54,000 How hard is it not to think about anything? How hard is it not to think about anything?
149 00:04:54,066 00:04:55,066 Just empty your goddamn... ‐Stop. Just empty your goddamn... ‐Stop.
150 00:04:55,133 00:04:56,133 ‐Intention! ‐Stop interrupting. ‐Intention! ‐Stop interrupting.
151 00:04:56,200 00:04:57,133 ‐Let's go! ‐I wanna do it right. ‐Let's go! ‐I wanna do it right.
152 00:04:57,200 00:04:58,966 Just wait for me. (chuckles) Just wait for me. (chuckles)
153 00:04:59,033 00:05:01,066 And there we go. Now it's empty. And there we go. Now it's empty.
154 00:05:01,133 00:05:02,366 Such a dick. Such a dick.
155 00:05:03,266 00:05:04,966 (sighs) Do you feel it? (sighs) Do you feel it?
156 00:05:05,033 00:05:06,200 ‐Feel what? ‐Feel what? ‐Feel what? ‐Feel what?
157 00:05:06,266 00:05:09,366 The sacred portal opening. Begin. The sacred portal opening. Begin.
158 00:05:09,433 00:05:11,466 ‐May I please speak to the‐‐ ‐Please don't yell. ‐May I please speak to the‐‐ ‐Please don't yell.
159 00:05:11,533 00:05:12,800 ‐Oh. ‐Please don't yell. ‐Oh. ‐Please don't yell.
160 00:05:12,866 00:05:14,000 ‐Excuse me. ‐Thank you. ‐Excuse me. ‐Thank you.
161 00:05:14,066 00:05:15,833 Um, may I please speak to the entity Um, may I please speak to the entity
162 00:05:15,900 00:05:17,800 residing at the home of Lance DeLuca? residing at the home of Lance DeLuca?
163 00:05:17,866 00:05:19,366 Hello? Oh, whoa. Hello? Oh, whoa.
164 00:05:19,433 00:05:21,566 I am I am
165 00:05:21,633 00:05:25,633 the g‐gho‐‐ the g‐gho‐‐
166 00:05:25,700 00:05:27,800 ghost. ghost.
167 00:05:27,866 00:05:29,366 I am the ghost? I am the ghost?
168 00:05:29,433 00:05:32,066 ‐Good Lord, it worked. ‐Told you. ‐Good Lord, it worked. ‐Told you.
169 00:05:32,133 00:05:35,000 Okay, uh, ghost, you've been served. Okay, uh, ghost, you've been served.
170 00:05:35,066 00:05:36,533 You should hire a lawyer. You should hire a lawyer.
171 00:05:36,600 00:05:37,633 Boom! Boom!
172 00:05:37,700 00:05:39,633 How you like that, ghost? How you like that, ghost?
173 00:05:39,700 00:05:40,933 (scream) (scream)
174 00:05:41,000 00:05:43,933 (wood creaking) (wood creaking)
175 00:05:44,000 00:05:46,500 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
176 00:05:46,566 00:05:48,066 Babe, I'm home! Babe, I'm home!
177 00:05:48,133 00:05:50,100 (gasps) That's my mom! (gasps) That's my mom!
178 00:05:50,166 00:05:51,266 We're up here, Mommy. We're up here, Mommy.
179 00:05:51,333 00:05:52,733 ‐Dude, it was me. ‐What? ‐Dude, it was me. ‐What?
180 00:05:52,800 00:05:53,900 I am the ghost. I am the ghost.
181 00:05:53,966 00:05:55,366 I recognized the house when we pulled up. I recognized the house when we pulled up.
182 00:05:55,433 00:05:57,400 Lance's mom is the lady I've been hooking up with. Lance's mom is the lady I've been hooking up with.
183 00:05:57,466 00:05:59,400 Oh, you‐‐you were moving the Wooj‐‐‐ Oh, you‐‐you were moving the Wooj‐‐‐
184 00:05:59,466 00:06:03,133 ‐DAVID: Yes. ‐JOHN: Oh, oh, okay, wow. ‐DAVID: Yes. ‐JOHN: Oh, oh, okay, wow.
185 00:06:03,200 00:06:04,333 The furniture crashing‐‐ The furniture crashing‐‐
186 00:06:04,400 00:06:05,866 DAVID: It's probably when we had coitus DAVID: It's probably when we had coitus
187 00:06:05,933 00:06:08,000 in this old, wooden chair. He must have heard it. in this old, wooden chair. He must have heard it.
188 00:06:08,066 00:06:09,133 JOHN: Creaky floor? JOHN: Creaky floor?
189 00:06:09,200 00:06:10,133 DAVID: It's probably me walking DAVID: It's probably me walking
190 00:06:10,200 00:06:11,600 to the bathroom after coitus. to the bathroom after coitus.
191 00:06:11,666 00:06:13,166 JOHN: Drippy faucet even though‐‐ JOHN: Drippy faucet even though‐‐
192 00:06:13,233 00:06:15,533 DAVID: I probably didn't turn off the water after coitus. DAVID: I probably didn't turn off the water after coitus.
193 00:06:15,600 00:06:19,100 Okay, and the creepy moaning? That was you during coitus? Okay, and the creepy moaning? That was you during coitus?
194 00:06:19,166 00:06:21,066 Uh, no, actually, it's me moaning Uh, no, actually, it's me moaning
195 00:06:21,133 00:06:23,066 when Tracey said no cuddling and kicked me out when Tracey said no cuddling and kicked me out
196 00:06:23,133 00:06:24,433 and said I had to go home. and said I had to go home.
197 00:06:24,500 00:06:26,233 But I thought you were just using her for sex and‐‐ But I thought you were just using her for sex and‐‐
198 00:06:26,300 00:06:27,966 It's more complicated than that. It's more complicated than that.
199 00:06:28,033 00:06:29,133 ‐I don't‐‐ ‐Oh, okay. ‐I don't‐‐ ‐Oh, okay.
200 00:06:29,200 00:06:30,733 Look, the point is, Lance already hates me. Look, the point is, Lance already hates me.
201 00:06:30,800 00:06:32,366 If he finds out I've been screwing his mommy‐‐ If he finds out I've been screwing his mommy‐‐
202 00:06:32,433 00:06:34,433 ‐Ugh. ‐I gotta go. ‐Ugh. ‐I gotta go.
203 00:06:34,500 00:06:36,966 Lance, honey, what are you doing up here? Lance, honey, what are you doing up here?
204 00:06:37,033 00:06:40,266 Shh, shh, everything's gonna be okay. Shh, shh, everything's gonna be okay.
205 00:06:40,333 00:06:43,000 We had a séance. No more ghosts. We had a séance. No more ghosts.
206 00:06:43,066 00:06:45,333 ‐Jesus, what is that? ‐What? ‐Jesus, what is that? ‐What?
207 00:06:45,400 00:06:47,066 (gasps) It's him! (gasps) It's him!
208 00:06:47,133 00:06:48,566 (thunder cracks) (thunder cracks)
209 00:06:48,633 00:06:50,666 Stand back, people. (cracks knuckles) Stand back, people. (cracks knuckles)
210 00:06:50,733 00:06:52,300 I'm 'bout to beat up a ghost. I'm 'bout to beat up a ghost.
211 00:06:52,366 00:06:54,000 Lance, no! ‐TRACEY: Oh, Lance, baby, no. Lance, no! ‐TRACEY: Oh, Lance, baby, no.
212 00:06:54,066 00:06:55,433 Not again. DAVID: Ow! Not again. DAVID: Ow!
213 00:06:55,500 00:06:57,033 TRACEY: Lance, no, no, no. ‐(grunts) TRACEY: Lance, no, no, no. ‐(grunts)
214 00:06:57,100 00:06:59,766 ‐DAVID: (moaning) ‐Wait, who is this? ‐DAVID: (moaning) ‐Wait, who is this?
215 00:06:59,833 00:07:02,433 ALL: (gasp) David Purefoy! ALL: (gasp) David Purefoy!
216 00:07:02,500 00:07:03,900 Fuck! Fuck!
217 00:07:03,966 00:07:06,366 ‐Hi, Tracey. ‐What is going on? ‐Hi, Tracey. ‐What is going on?
218 00:07:06,433 00:07:08,733 Well, you told me all those noises I was hearing Well, you told me all those noises I was hearing
219 00:07:08,800 00:07:10,500 at night were from a ghost. at night were from a ghost.
220 00:07:10,566 00:07:12,966 I wanted to protect you, so I sued it. I wanted to protect you, so I sued it.
221 00:07:13,033 00:07:14,866 ‐Sued who now? ‐The ghost. ‐Sued who now? ‐The ghost.
222 00:07:14,933 00:07:18,566 ‐Duh, Mommy. ‐Oh...wow. ‐Duh, Mommy. ‐Oh...wow.
223 00:07:18,633 00:07:21,333 Wait a second. How do you know this pervert? Wait a second. How do you know this pervert?
224 00:07:21,400 00:07:23,166 Well, now, it's complicated. Well, now, it's complicated.
225 00:07:23,233 00:07:24,666 (sighs) Do you guys have some ice? (sighs) Do you guys have some ice?
226 00:07:24,733 00:07:25,700 ‐Hold up. ‐Ow. ‐Hold up. ‐Ow.
227 00:07:25,766 00:07:28,466 Somebody tell me what the fuck is going on. Somebody tell me what the fuck is going on.
228 00:07:28,533 00:07:30,566 Okay, honey, you remember when Mommy Okay, honey, you remember when Mommy
229 00:07:30,633 00:07:32,233 was crying by herself in the bathroom was crying by herself in the bathroom
230 00:07:32,300 00:07:33,700 about two weeks ago? about two weeks ago?
231 00:07:33,766 00:07:37,266 Huh, and to think there was a brief, stupid moment Huh, and to think there was a brief, stupid moment
232 00:07:37,333 00:07:39,300 where I actually believed in ghosts. where I actually believed in ghosts.
233 00:07:39,366 00:07:42,166 Oh, you're too cool to believe in the occult. Oh, you're too cool to believe in the occult.
234 00:07:42,233 00:07:45,233 No, I believe in human stupidity. No, I believe in human stupidity.
235 00:07:45,300 00:07:47,266 Exhibit A. Case closed. Exhibit A. Case closed.
236 00:07:47,333 00:07:48,533 Well, then you won't mind if I put Well, then you won't mind if I put
237 00:07:48,600 00:07:50,700 a berserker avenging spell on your anus. a berserker avenging spell on your anus.
238 00:07:50,766 00:07:52,266 (chuckles) Oh, no. (chuckles) Oh, no.
239 00:07:52,333 00:07:54,166 Knock yourself out. Knock yourself out.
240 00:07:54,233 00:07:55,433 Herper. Done. Herper. Done.
241 00:07:55,500 00:07:57,066 ‐That's the whole spell? ‐Yeah. ‐That's the whole spell? ‐Yeah.
242 00:07:57,133 00:07:58,366 You're in for a long night. You're in for a long night.
243 00:07:58,433 00:07:59,366 You don't wanna give me a little bit more, You don't wanna give me a little bit more,
244 00:07:59,433 00:08:00,566 I mean, do a little show? I mean, do a little show?
245 00:08:00,633 00:08:01,733 LANCE: Wait a second. LANCE: Wait a second.
246 00:08:01,800 00:08:06,433 You have been fucking my mommy? You have been fucking my mommy?
247 00:08:11,133 00:08:12,733 (cool jazz music) (cool jazz music)
248 00:08:12,800 00:08:16,533 Getting punched by a teenager is a total bummer. Getting punched by a teenager is a total bummer.
249 00:08:16,600 00:08:18,800 Oh, well, come on, David. It's not that bad. Oh, well, come on, David. It's not that bad.
250 00:08:18,866 00:08:22,566 Tracey literally told Lance I was a ghost Tracey literally told Lance I was a ghost
251 00:08:22,633 00:08:25,033 rather than acknowledging me as a person rather than acknowledging me as a person
252 00:08:25,100 00:08:26,433 because she was, like, ashamed of me. because she was, like, ashamed of me.
253 00:08:26,500 00:08:28,133 Yeah, it must be very hard for you. Yeah, it must be very hard for you.
254 00:08:28,200 00:08:30,400 And I really liked her too. (growls) And I really liked her too. (growls)
255 00:08:30,466 00:08:32,466 It's like all I have to look forward to now It's like all I have to look forward to now
256 00:08:32,533 00:08:34,933 is, like, getting older and older is, like, getting older and older
257 00:08:35,000 00:08:38,166 and meeting divorced ladies and getting a crush on 'em and meeting divorced ladies and getting a crush on 'em
258 00:08:38,233 00:08:41,166 and then getting wailed on by their children? and then getting wailed on by their children?
259 00:08:41,233 00:08:42,766 Like, I'm just gonna keep doing this Like, I'm just gonna keep doing this
260 00:08:42,833 00:08:45,566 until I'm 200 years old, and then I'm an actual ghost, until I'm 200 years old, and then I'm an actual ghost,
261 00:08:45,633 00:08:46,900 and then no one's gonna wanna fuck me and then no one's gonna wanna fuck me
262 00:08:46,966 00:08:48,366 'cause it's, like, fucking a ghost 'cause it's, like, fucking a ghost
263 00:08:48,433 00:08:50,300 is like fucking the stuff that comes out of a humidifier? is like fucking the stuff that comes out of a humidifier?
264 00:08:50,366 00:08:52,000 Like, what? This is my life? Like, what? This is my life?
265 00:08:52,066 00:08:54,266 Uh‐huh, even though she treated you exactly Uh‐huh, even though she treated you exactly
266 00:08:54,333 00:08:56,333 the same way you bragged about treating her. the same way you bragged about treating her.
267 00:08:56,400 00:08:58,000 (chuckles) This must be very hard for you. (chuckles) This must be very hard for you.
268 00:08:58,066 00:08:59,466 Dude, what is your problem? Dude, what is your problem?
269 00:08:59,533 00:09:02,033 I can't stand it! My ass itches so bad. I can't stand it! My ass itches so bad.
270 00:09:02,100 00:09:03,133 (laughs) (laughs)
271 00:09:03,200 00:09:05,500 ‐I'm literally butthurt. ‐Yes. ‐I'm literally butthurt. ‐Yes.
272 00:09:05,566 00:09:09,566 I know why‐‐because a witch said she was gonna put I know why‐‐because a witch said she was gonna put
273 00:09:09,633 00:09:11,733 a berserker revenging spell on your anus. a berserker revenging spell on your anus.
274 00:09:11,800 00:09:14,033 I probably ate something spicy is all. I probably ate something spicy is all.
275 00:09:14,100 00:09:15,266 You know what? You know what?
276 00:09:15,333 00:09:16,366 I'm glad that I'm not the only one hurting I'm glad that I'm not the only one hurting
277 00:09:16,433 00:09:18,166 on this houseboat deck. Thank you. on this houseboat deck. Thank you.
278 00:09:18,233 00:09:19,966 Oh, I'm glad I could cheer you up with my ass itching. Oh, I'm glad I could cheer you up with my ass itching.
279 00:09:20,033 00:09:21,333 Bro, you're a true friend. Bro, you're a true friend.
280 00:09:21,400 00:09:23,266 And thank your anus too. Your butt is a true friend. And thank your anus too. Your butt is a true friend.
281 00:09:23,333 00:09:26,333 Uh, David, will you please go get the cream from my bathroom? Uh, David, will you please go get the cream from my bathroom?
282 00:09:27,466 00:09:28,700 No. No.