# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:05,872 00:00:08,241 DAVID: ♪♪ I'm sitting at the Lunch Hut ♪♪ DAVID: ♪♪ I'm sitting at the Lunch Hut ♪♪
2 00:00:08,308 00:00:10,410 ♪♪ I'm feeling on these nuts ♪♪ ♪♪ I'm feeling on these nuts ♪♪
3 00:00:10,476 00:00:14,314 ♪♪ Waiting on my buddy to order food for us ♪♪ ♪♪ Waiting on my buddy to order food for us ♪♪
4 00:00:14,380 00:00:15,549 ‐I said‐‐ ‐Where's your friend, ‐I said‐‐ ‐Where's your friend,
5 00:00:15,616 00:00:17,250 the grumpy guy with the moustache? the grumpy guy with the moustache?
6 00:00:17,317 00:00:18,519 Uh, you know, I don't know, Uh, you know, I don't know,
7 00:00:18,585 00:00:19,853 because I thought he was gonna be here, because I thought he was gonna be here,
8 00:00:19,920 00:00:21,321 but he is not. but he is not.
9 00:00:21,387 00:00:22,956 Well, can I get you anything while you wait? Well, can I get you anything while you wait?
10 00:00:23,023 00:00:24,758 Oh, I have a question. Oh, I have a question.
11 00:00:24,825 00:00:28,161 Can I use his money, even if he's not here yet? Can I use his money, even if he's not here yet?
12 00:00:28,228 00:00:29,362 Is that legal? Is that legal?
13 00:00:29,429 00:00:31,565 Well, you don't pay till the end, Well, you don't pay till the end,
14 00:00:31,632 00:00:33,166 so...yes. so...yes.
15 00:00:33,233 00:00:35,035 ♪♪ Awesome! ♪♪ ♪♪ Awesome! ♪♪
16 00:00:35,101 00:00:36,603 Large coffee, egg salad sandwich, Large coffee, egg salad sandwich,
17 00:00:36,670 00:00:38,471 disco fries, and double the order. disco fries, and double the order.
18 00:00:38,539 00:00:40,574 Okay. On it. Okay. On it.
19 00:00:40,641 00:00:42,843 (upbeat music) (upbeat music)
20 00:00:42,909 00:00:44,711 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
21 00:00:44,778 00:00:46,146 (stomach growling) (stomach growling)
22 00:00:46,212 00:00:49,783 (phone buzzing) (phone buzzing)
23 00:00:49,850 00:00:51,084 Dude, where are you? Dude, where are you?
24 00:00:51,151 00:00:53,353 I've eaten two egg salad sandwiches, I've eaten two egg salad sandwiches,
25 00:00:53,419 00:00:55,255 and I don't feel good. and I don't feel good.
26 00:00:55,321 00:00:56,790 I took my houseboat into lake patrol I took my houseboat into lake patrol
27 00:00:56,857 00:00:57,924 for inspection, and it failed. for inspection, and it failed.
28 00:00:57,991 00:00:59,192 I don't care. You need to come I don't care. You need to come
29 00:00:59,259 00:01:00,594 to the Lunch Hut and pay for these sandwiches. to the Lunch Hut and pay for these sandwiches.
30 00:01:00,661 00:01:01,695 No, I can't. I panicked, and I took off. No, I can't. I panicked, and I took off.
31 00:01:01,762 00:01:03,329 (laughs) Wait, hold on. (laughs) Wait, hold on.
32 00:01:03,396 00:01:04,765 You're telling me you're, like, on the run You're telling me you're, like, on the run
33 00:01:04,831 00:01:05,732 from the houseboat police? from the houseboat police?
34 00:01:05,799 00:01:07,467 Yes, I am, David, Yes, I am, David,
35 00:01:07,534 00:01:09,302 on the run and out of gas. on the run and out of gas.
36 00:01:09,369 00:01:12,272 (dramatic music) (dramatic music)
37 00:01:12,338 00:01:17,043 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
38 00:01:17,110 00:01:18,612 DAVID: Okay, that's it. that's everything DAVID: Okay, that's it. that's everything
39 00:01:18,679 00:01:19,946 I could siphon out of the Fiero. I could siphon out of the Fiero.
40 00:01:20,013 00:01:23,149 Ugh. Mouth tastes like gas again. Ugh. Mouth tastes like gas again.
41 00:01:23,216 00:01:24,284 Copy that, David. Contact. Copy that, David. Contact.
42 00:01:24,350 00:01:27,420 (engine sputtering) (engine sputtering)
43 00:01:28,855 00:01:31,124 Hey, I just noticed this for the first time, Hey, I just noticed this for the first time,
44 00:01:31,191 00:01:32,826 but why doesn't your houseboat have a name? but why doesn't your houseboat have a name?
45 00:01:32,893 00:01:34,094 Not every boat has a name. Not every boat has a name.
46 00:01:34,160 00:01:36,496 Uh, every boat has to have a name. Uh, every boat has to have a name.
47 00:01:36,563 00:01:38,031 You know what? I have a suggestion. You know what? I have a suggestion.
48 00:01:38,098 00:01:40,066 The USS "Moustache Ride." The USS "Moustache Ride."
49 00:01:40,133 00:01:41,301 ‐No. ‐Ah, let me explain. ‐No. ‐Ah, let me explain.
50 00:01:41,367 00:01:42,836 ‐You have a moustache... ‐Uh‐huh. ‐You have a moustache... ‐Uh‐huh.
51 00:01:42,903 00:01:44,437 And you ride on a boat... And you ride on a boat...
52 00:01:44,505 00:01:46,372 ‐You know, I got it. ‐And also, ‐You know, I got it. ‐And also,
53 00:01:46,439 00:01:49,309 it has a sexual connotation. it has a sexual connotation.
54 00:01:49,375 00:01:51,344 Oh, really, you finally got around to that part? Oh, really, you finally got around to that part?
55 00:01:51,411 00:01:52,546 I get it, David. No. I get it, David. No.
56 00:01:52,613 00:01:54,681 Wait, isn't Richardsville back that way? Wait, isn't Richardsville back that way?
57 00:01:54,748 00:01:56,149 Yes, it is, but I'm not going back. Yes, it is, but I'm not going back.
58 00:01:56,216 00:01:58,051 Oh, no, you've got to turn this boat around. Oh, no, you've got to turn this boat around.
59 00:01:58,118 00:01:59,920 My mom is making famous meatloaf tonight, My mom is making famous meatloaf tonight,
60 00:01:59,986 00:02:01,221 and then Allie and I were talking and then Allie and I were talking
61 00:02:01,287 00:02:04,157 about hooking up later for some boning and moaning. about hooking up later for some boning and moaning.
62 00:02:04,224 00:02:05,692 Where, at your parents' house, David? Where, at your parents' house, David?
63 00:02:05,759 00:02:06,860 On this houseboat... On this houseboat...
64 00:02:06,927 00:02:08,128 ‐What? ‐While you sleep. ‐What? ‐While you sleep.
65 00:02:08,194 00:02:09,229 ‐What? ‐Dude, you live ‐What? ‐Dude, you live
66 00:02:09,295 00:02:11,632 on an open, unprotected boat. on an open, unprotected boat.
67 00:02:11,698 00:02:13,767 You sleep with an eye mask... and earplugs... You sleep with an eye mask... and earplugs...
68 00:02:13,834 00:02:16,503 and a crazy‐loud white noise machine and a crazy‐loud white noise machine
69 00:02:16,570 00:02:18,004 that makes ocean wave crashing sounds. that makes ocean wave crashing sounds.
70 00:02:18,071 00:02:19,272 This was always gonna happen. This was always gonna happen.
71 00:02:19,339 00:02:20,941 JOHN: You've heard my noise machine? JOHN: You've heard my noise machine?
72 00:02:21,007 00:02:22,743 DAVID: And always has been happening. DAVID: And always has been happening.
73 00:02:22,809 00:02:23,844 JOHN: Oh, Jesus, David. JOHN: Oh, Jesus, David.
74 00:02:23,910 00:02:25,445 ♪♪ I've been fucking on your houseboat ♪♪ ♪♪ I've been fucking on your houseboat ♪♪
75 00:02:25,512 00:02:26,713 ♪♪ While you sleep ♪♪ ♪♪ While you sleep ♪♪
76 00:02:26,780 00:02:27,614 (groans) (groans)
77 00:02:27,681 00:02:29,482 By the way, I want to say one thing. By the way, I want to say one thing.
78 00:02:29,550 00:02:31,752 I think it's really fucked up and sick I think it's really fucked up and sick
79 00:02:31,818 00:02:34,454 that you live on a lake, but you listen to the ocean. that you live on a lake, but you listen to the ocean.
80 00:02:34,521 00:02:35,922 You know what? A lot is fucked up right now. You know what? A lot is fucked up right now.
81 00:02:35,989 00:02:37,624 Oh, my God. Take a breath. Oh, my God. Take a breath.
82 00:02:37,691 00:02:39,893 Turn this houseboat around, bright‐eyes, Turn this houseboat around, bright‐eyes,
83 00:02:39,960 00:02:41,294 because I fully intend on having because I fully intend on having
84 00:02:41,361 00:02:44,531 a total eclipse of the cock on this houseboat tonight. a total eclipse of the cock on this houseboat tonight.
85 00:02:44,598 00:02:47,200 I can't turn around, David. If I turn around, I can't turn around, David. If I turn around,
86 00:02:47,267 00:02:48,502 Richardsville Water and Sewer Authority Richardsville Water and Sewer Authority
87 00:02:48,569 00:02:50,203 impounds the boat, and then I'm homeless. impounds the boat, and then I'm homeless.
88 00:02:50,270 00:02:51,471 How are they gonna impound this boat? How are they gonna impound this boat?
89 00:02:51,538 00:02:52,539 This boat looks terrific. This boat looks terrific.
90 00:02:52,606 00:02:54,107 David, she's falling apart. David, she's falling apart.
91 00:02:54,174 00:02:56,910 The battery bank is corroded, the bilge pump barely works, The battery bank is corroded, the bilge pump barely works,
92 00:02:56,977 00:02:58,278 and the head needs replacing. and the head needs replacing.
93 00:02:58,344 00:02:59,680 Apparently, it's been pumping my feces Apparently, it's been pumping my feces
94 00:02:59,746 00:03:01,181 directly into the lake for a year. directly into the lake for a year.
95 00:03:01,247 00:03:02,916 Damn, you know a lot of boat vocab. Damn, you know a lot of boat vocab.
96 00:03:02,983 00:03:04,885 Plus, I still owe $9,000 on it, Plus, I still owe $9,000 on it,
97 00:03:04,951 00:03:07,120 so no, I'm not going back. so no, I'm not going back.
98 00:03:07,187 00:03:08,655 And that would be ridiculous. And that would be ridiculous.
99 00:03:08,722 00:03:11,391 Instead, I'm gonna go hide in the creek system. Instead, I'm gonna go hide in the creek system.
100 00:03:11,457 00:03:13,560 Once I'm over the line in Pittsboro County, Once I'm over the line in Pittsboro County,
101 00:03:13,627 00:03:15,161 I'm gonna find a fresh water source, I'm gonna find a fresh water source,
102 00:03:15,228 00:03:18,131 and‐‐and I'll trap nutria and‐‐and eat it. and‐‐and I'll trap nutria and‐‐and eat it.
103 00:03:18,198 00:03:20,133 I'm gonna live on this leaky metaphor I'm gonna live on this leaky metaphor
104 00:03:20,200 00:03:22,603 for my totally fucked, broken‐down life for my totally fucked, broken‐down life
105 00:03:22,669 00:03:24,137 until such time as I am no longer until such time as I am no longer
106 00:03:24,204 00:03:25,338 figuratively underwater, figuratively underwater,
107 00:03:25,405 00:03:28,408 but actually underwater. but actually underwater.
108 00:03:28,474 00:03:29,843 At least you're not being dramatic about it. At least you're not being dramatic about it.
109 00:03:29,910 00:03:31,778 Why don't you just go back in the rowboat, David? Why don't you just go back in the rowboat, David?
110 00:03:31,845 00:03:33,714 Oh, because I suck at tying knots. Oh, because I suck at tying knots.
111 00:03:33,780 00:03:35,716 Well, then, welcome to the jungle. Well, then, welcome to the jungle.
112 00:03:37,951 00:03:39,485 Whoo! Hell, yeah. Whoo! Hell, yeah.
113 00:03:39,553 00:03:41,187 This is like Miami Vice, man. This is like Miami Vice, man.
114 00:03:41,254 00:03:44,925 Crockett and Tubbs. I'm a fiend for mojitos! Crockett and Tubbs. I'm a fiend for mojitos!
115 00:03:44,991 00:03:47,027 (loud bang) (loud bang)
116 00:03:47,093 00:03:49,996 (engine sputters) (engine sputters)
117 00:03:53,399 00:03:55,068 Oh, fuck me. Oh, fuck me.
118 00:03:55,135 00:03:58,071 (rock music) (rock music)
119 00:03:58,138 00:04:04,978 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
120 00:04:16,189 00:04:19,392 (sighs) I don't want to eat nutria. (sighs) I don't want to eat nutria.
121 00:04:19,459 00:04:26,499 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
122 00:04:28,068 00:04:30,604 (surf breaking) (surf breaking)
123 00:04:30,671 00:04:32,806 All right, better conserve the battery. All right, better conserve the battery.
124 00:04:32,873 00:04:34,274 Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus.
125 00:04:35,942 00:04:36,710 So I don't get it. So I don't get it.
126 00:04:36,777 00:04:39,012 How can you operate a houseboat How can you operate a houseboat
127 00:04:39,079 00:04:40,681 if you never learned to drive if you never learned to drive
128 00:04:40,747 00:04:41,582 and you don't have a driver's license? and you don't have a driver's license?
129 00:04:41,648 00:04:42,683 No, I know how to drive, No, I know how to drive,
130 00:04:42,749 00:04:44,217 and‐‐and I did have a driver's license. and‐‐and I did have a driver's license.
131 00:04:44,284 00:04:45,886 ‐Whoa. ‐I just‐‐it was revoked. ‐Whoa. ‐I just‐‐it was revoked.
132 00:04:45,952 00:04:47,053 (laughs) What? (laughs) What?
133 00:04:47,120 00:04:48,188 You never told me that. You never told me that.
134 00:04:48,254 00:04:49,255 Yeah, well, let's just say Yeah, well, let's just say
135 00:04:49,322 00:04:50,490 it was a dark time. it was a dark time.
136 00:04:50,557 00:04:52,859 Uh, I gotta hear about this dark time. Uh, I gotta hear about this dark time.
137 00:04:52,926 00:04:54,360 ‐Come on. ‐It's personal, David. ‐Come on. ‐It's personal, David.
138 00:04:54,427 00:04:56,362 ‐I don't‐‐ ‐Yeah! It's time for... ‐I don't‐‐ ‐Yeah! It's time for...
139 00:04:56,429 00:04:59,933 Real Houseboat Confessions: After Dark. Real Houseboat Confessions: After Dark.
140 00:05:01,502 00:05:02,402 No, I'm not going to. No, I'm not going to.
141 00:05:02,468 00:05:03,469 You go first. You go first.
142 00:05:03,537 00:05:04,404 No, I'm not going to go at all. No, I'm not going to go at all.
143 00:05:04,470 00:05:05,506 Fine, I'll go first. Fine, I'll go first.
144 00:05:05,572 00:05:06,472 Okay, I've never told anybody this. Okay, I've never told anybody this.
145 00:05:06,540 00:05:08,041 And you don't ever have to. And you don't ever have to.
146 00:05:08,108 00:05:09,342 ‐John... ‐Okay. ‐John... ‐Okay.
147 00:05:09,409 00:05:11,578 I'm actually banned for life I'm actually banned for life
148 00:05:11,645 00:05:12,946 from Jeff's newsstand. from Jeff's newsstand.
149 00:05:13,013 00:05:15,816 ‐What? ‐For stealing dirty magazines. ‐What? ‐For stealing dirty magazines.
150 00:05:15,882 00:05:17,083 Well, you and Aaron used to steal Well, you and Aaron used to steal
151 00:05:17,150 00:05:18,519 dirty magazines all the time in seventh grade. dirty magazines all the time in seventh grade.
152 00:05:18,585 00:05:19,720 Remember? I busted you for it. Remember? I busted you for it.
153 00:05:19,786 00:05:20,787 The mystery of the hijacked jugs. The mystery of the hijacked jugs.
154 00:05:20,854 00:05:23,389 Yeah, yeah, but this wasn't in seventh grade. Yeah, yeah, but this wasn't in seventh grade.
155 00:05:23,456 00:05:25,191 ‐W‐when was it? ‐It was last year. ‐W‐when was it? ‐It was last year.
156 00:05:25,258 00:05:26,426 Last year? Why? Last year? Why?
157 00:05:26,492 00:05:29,563 I never stopped stealing dirty magazines. I never stopped stealing dirty magazines.
158 00:05:29,630 00:05:30,631 But David, you're a grown man, But David, you're a grown man,
159 00:05:30,697 00:05:32,566 and also, porn is free now. and also, porn is free now.
160 00:05:32,633 00:05:33,734 ‐Why would you steal it? ‐I know. ‐Why would you steal it? ‐I know.
161 00:05:33,800 00:05:35,335 Because I'm addicted to stealing it. Because I'm addicted to stealing it.
162 00:05:35,401 00:05:37,003 ‐Ugh. ‐It's the transgression. ‐Ugh. ‐It's the transgression.
163 00:05:37,070 00:05:40,707 Gives me a danger boner, is what my therapist calls it. Gives me a danger boner, is what my therapist calls it.
164 00:05:40,774 00:05:42,342 And I have this messed‐up relationship And I have this messed‐up relationship
165 00:05:42,408 00:05:44,110 to the sexuality and the forbidden to the sexuality and the forbidden
166 00:05:44,177 00:05:45,111 and all this stuff, and all this stuff,
167 00:05:45,178 00:05:47,080 and if I smell scratch‐off tickets and if I smell scratch‐off tickets
168 00:05:47,147 00:05:48,381 while I'm stealing pornography, while I'm stealing pornography,
169 00:05:48,448 00:05:50,016 it's just, like, the most exhilarating feeling. it's just, like, the most exhilarating feeling.
170 00:05:50,083 00:05:51,818 And Jeff said if he ever saw me in his shop again, And Jeff said if he ever saw me in his shop again,
171 00:05:51,885 00:05:53,386 he was gonna tell my parents at church, he was gonna tell my parents at church,
172 00:05:53,453 00:05:54,888 and I don't want them to judge me. and I don't want them to judge me.
173 00:05:54,955 00:05:57,157 ‐(motor whirring) ‐Wait, you have a therapist? ‐(motor whirring) ‐Wait, you have a therapist?
174 00:05:57,223 00:05:58,892 Ooh, boat, boat, boat! Ooh, boat, boat, boat!
175 00:05:58,959 00:06:00,326 Look, there's a boat. We're saved. Look, there's a boat. We're saved.
176 00:06:00,393 00:06:01,528 ‐We're saved. ‐Oh, shh, shh, shh. ‐We're saved. ‐Oh, shh, shh, shh.
177 00:06:01,595 00:06:03,129 David. David, David, get down, get down. David. David, David, get down, get down.
178 00:06:03,196 00:06:04,464 ‐Wait, what are you doing? ‐It's the law, David. ‐Wait, what are you doing? ‐It's the law, David.
179 00:06:04,531 00:06:07,501 (low jazz music) (low jazz music)
180 00:06:07,568 00:06:10,236 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
181 00:06:10,303 00:06:11,437 DAVID: Wait, hold on a sec. DAVID: Wait, hold on a sec.
182 00:06:11,505 00:06:12,939 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
183 00:06:13,006 00:06:16,109 Oh, my God. Guess who it is, man. Oh, my God. Guess who it is, man.
184 00:06:16,176 00:06:17,844 ‐JOHN: It's Heather Culbreth. ‐DAVID: Yeah! ‐JOHN: It's Heather Culbreth. ‐DAVID: Yeah!
185 00:06:17,911 00:06:19,680 It's your little detective friend It's your little detective friend
186 00:06:19,746 00:06:21,748 ‐from back in the day. ‐Yeah, I know. ‐from back in the day. ‐Yeah, I know.
187 00:06:21,815 00:06:25,018 We solved a lot of mysteries together. We solved a lot of mysteries together.
188 00:06:25,085 00:06:27,253 She was almost as brilliant a detective as I was. She was almost as brilliant a detective as I was.
189 00:06:27,320 00:06:29,422 We even made the paper once. We even made the paper once.
190 00:06:29,489 00:06:31,257 But then in ninth grade, she went to boarding school, But then in ninth grade, she went to boarding school,
191 00:06:31,324 00:06:34,127 so we saw less and less of each other. so we saw less and less of each other.
192 00:06:34,194 00:06:35,295 I admired her. I admired her.
193 00:06:35,361 00:06:36,963 W‐wait, what is she doing W‐wait, what is she doing
194 00:06:37,030 00:06:38,599 working for Dicktown Water And Sewer? working for Dicktown Water And Sewer?
195 00:06:38,665 00:06:40,000 JOHN: That's the thing. I have no idea. JOHN: That's the thing. I have no idea.
196 00:06:40,066 00:06:42,102 She came in while my houseboat was being inspected. She came in while my houseboat was being inspected.
197 00:06:42,168 00:06:43,804 I saw her uniform. I took my boat and ran. I saw her uniform. I took my boat and ran.
198 00:06:43,870 00:06:46,072 Wait, but she's your friend. You should've said hello. Wait, but she's your friend. You should've said hello.
199 00:06:46,139 00:06:48,308 No, no, I didn't want her to know I never left town. No, no, I didn't want her to know I never left town.
200 00:06:48,374 00:06:49,309 You know in college, You know in college,
201 00:06:49,375 00:06:51,277 we were both recruited by the FBI? we were both recruited by the FBI?
202 00:06:51,344 00:06:53,113 (snorts) What? (snorts) What?
203 00:06:53,179 00:06:54,414 Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course.
204 00:06:54,480 00:06:56,282 She took the job and moved away. She took the job and moved away.
205 00:06:56,349 00:06:58,685 I said no, stayed here, I said no, stayed here,
206 00:06:58,752 00:06:59,920 bought a houseboat 'cause I thought bought a houseboat 'cause I thought
207 00:06:59,986 00:07:02,523 I'd be a cool private detective. I'd be a cool private detective.
208 00:07:02,589 00:07:04,357 ‐Worst decision I ever made. ‐Come on, man. ‐Worst decision I ever made. ‐Come on, man.
209 00:07:04,424 00:07:05,659 You don't want to work for the Man You don't want to work for the Man
210 00:07:05,726 00:07:07,694 doing a bunch of shady shit, getting health insurance doing a bunch of shady shit, getting health insurance
211 00:07:07,761 00:07:08,662 and pension like some square. and pension like some square.
212 00:07:08,729 00:07:10,864 Ugh, David, look where I am. Ugh, David, look where I am.
213 00:07:10,931 00:07:12,733 I'm on top of a dying houseboat. I'm on top of a dying houseboat.
214 00:07:12,799 00:07:14,568 I'm ashamed. I'm broke. I'm ashamed. I'm broke.
215 00:07:14,635 00:07:15,669 I work for children. I work for children.
216 00:07:15,736 00:07:16,937 Fuck yeah, you do, man, Fuck yeah, you do, man,
217 00:07:17,003 00:07:19,105 and you got your best buddy right by your side. and you got your best buddy right by your side.
218 00:07:19,172 00:07:20,440 You are crushing life. You are crushing life.
219 00:07:20,507 00:07:22,743 You are a hero for these times, John. You are a hero for these times, John.
220 00:07:22,809 00:07:24,945 JOHN: No, I am not. JOHN: No, I am not.
221 00:07:25,011 00:07:26,847 Wait, let's get back to True Houseboat Confessions. Wait, let's get back to True Houseboat Confessions.
222 00:07:26,913 00:07:29,149 Why did you get your license taken away? Why did you get your license taken away?
223 00:07:29,215 00:07:32,318 What? Oh, um... What? Oh, um...
224 00:07:32,385 00:07:33,720 The first time I saw The Matrix, The first time I saw The Matrix,
225 00:07:33,787 00:07:35,421 I got really excited, and I ate a bunch of ecstasy, I got really excited, and I ate a bunch of ecstasy,
226 00:07:35,488 00:07:38,792 and I drove my car into an elementary school cafeteria. and I drove my car into an elementary school cafeteria.
227 00:07:38,859 00:07:39,860 I mean, it was nighttime. No one was hurt. I mean, it was nighttime. No one was hurt.
228 00:07:39,926 00:07:42,095 But that's where the mayor's kids went, But that's where the mayor's kids went,
229 00:07:42,162 00:07:44,998 so they threw everything at me, took my license away. so they threw everything at me, took my license away.
230 00:07:45,065 00:07:47,233 My mom, as you know, is the chief of police, My mom, as you know, is the chief of police,
231 00:07:47,300 00:07:50,336 so she kept it out of the papers. so she kept it out of the papers.
232 00:07:50,403 00:07:51,572 She bent the rules for me, She bent the rules for me,
233 00:07:51,638 00:07:53,006 even though I didn't deserve it. even though I didn't deserve it.
234 00:07:53,073 00:07:58,044 So I don't have a license anymore. So I don't have a license anymore.
235 00:07:58,111 00:07:59,546 Good night. Good night.
236 00:07:59,613 00:08:02,182 (melancholy music) (melancholy music)
237 00:08:02,248 00:08:05,185 (birds singing) (birds singing)
238 00:08:10,524 00:08:12,158 (phone buzzing) (phone buzzing)
239 00:08:12,225 00:08:14,027 Oh, thank you, Lord, for a respite Oh, thank you, Lord, for a respite
240 00:08:14,094 00:08:15,395 from this madness. from this madness.
241 00:08:15,461 00:08:18,131 (engine starting abortively) (engine starting abortively)
242 00:08:18,198 00:08:20,501 Hey, John, get up here! Hey, John, get up here!
243 00:08:20,567 00:08:21,668 What? What is it? What? What is it?
244 00:08:21,735 00:08:23,069 I got cell service, dude. I called for help. I got cell service, dude. I called for help.
245 00:08:23,136 00:08:24,037 Oh, what? No. Oh, what? No.
246 00:08:24,104 00:08:25,205 Did you‐‐did you give away our location? Did you‐‐did you give away our location?
247 00:08:25,271 00:08:26,807 I‐‐calm down. I‐‐calm down.
248 00:08:26,873 00:08:29,075 All I did was call a local marina. All I did was call a local marina.
249 00:08:29,142 00:08:30,376 ‐And I called your dad. ‐What? ‐And I called your dad. ‐What?
250 00:08:30,443 00:08:31,712 And good news: And good news:
251 00:08:31,778 00:08:33,446 Your dad is gonna float the cost Your dad is gonna float the cost
252 00:08:33,514 00:08:34,715 of getting the houseboat fixed. of getting the houseboat fixed.
253 00:08:34,781 00:08:37,183 Get it? A boat floats. Get it? A boat floats.
254 00:08:37,250 00:08:38,118 God damn it, David. God damn it, David.
255 00:08:38,184 00:08:39,352 You know I don't take money from my dad. You know I don't take money from my dad.
256 00:08:39,419 00:08:40,386 Ugh. Ugh.
257 00:08:40,453 00:08:41,888 Today, you take money from your dad. Today, you take money from your dad.
258 00:08:41,955 00:08:43,957 Today, you took a lot of money from your dad. Today, you took a lot of money from your dad.
259 00:08:44,024 00:08:45,125 You done did it. You done did it.
260 00:08:45,191 00:08:46,560 (jazz music) (jazz music)
261 00:08:46,627 00:08:48,294 JOHN: You know what? This is nice. JOHN: You know what? This is nice.
262 00:08:48,361 00:08:49,596 I can make a new life here. I can make a new life here.
263 00:08:49,663 00:08:51,231 No way, man. This marina sucks. No way, man. This marina sucks.
264 00:08:51,297 00:08:52,766 No, that sign says they need someone No, that sign says they need someone
265 00:08:52,833 00:08:54,535 to make breakfast sandwiches at the marina store. to make breakfast sandwiches at the marina store.
266 00:08:54,601 00:08:56,069 You can't run from the law, John. You can't run from the law, John.
267 00:08:56,136 00:08:59,506 You are the law, in a weird, minor way. You are the law, in a weird, minor way.
268 00:08:59,573 00:09:01,174 But I can't go back, But I can't go back,
269 00:09:01,241 00:09:02,943 and I like making breakfast sandwiches. and I like making breakfast sandwiches.
270 00:09:03,009 00:09:04,344 ‐I'm very good at it. ‐No, no. ‐I'm very good at it. ‐No, no.
271 00:09:04,410 00:09:05,411 Take it from me. Take it from me.
272 00:09:05,478 00:09:06,680 You don't want to have a place You don't want to have a place
273 00:09:06,747 00:09:07,848 you can't go back to. you can't go back to.
274 00:09:07,914 00:09:09,950 HEATHER: Ha! There you are. HEATHER: Ha! There you are.
275 00:09:10,016 00:09:11,685 Ooh, busted! Ooh, busted!
276 00:09:11,752 00:09:13,987 What is up, Heather Culbreth? What is up, Heather Culbreth?
277 00:09:14,054 00:09:15,321 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
278 00:09:15,388 00:09:16,890 Mr. Purefoy, Mr. Purefoy,
279 00:09:16,957 00:09:18,925 step away from Mr. Hunchman, please. step away from Mr. Hunchman, please.
280 00:09:18,992 00:09:22,328 Uh, okay. Uh, okay.
281 00:09:22,395 00:09:24,197 ‐How did you find me? ‐Well... ‐How did you find me? ‐Well...
282 00:09:24,264 00:09:25,532 I made some calls, looking I made some calls, looking
283 00:09:25,599 00:09:27,734 for a malfunctioning houseboat... for a malfunctioning houseboat...
284 00:09:27,801 00:09:28,702 and then I called your dad. and then I called your dad.
285 00:09:28,769 00:09:30,871 Oh. Wowie‐zowie. Oh. Wowie‐zowie.
286 00:09:30,937 00:09:32,773 Hi, Hunch. I like the beard. Hi, Hunch. I like the beard.
287 00:09:32,839 00:09:34,708 Heather, what‐‐ what are you doing here? Heather, what‐‐ what are you doing here?
288 00:09:34,775 00:09:36,943 You know I always get my man. You know I always get my man.
289 00:09:37,010 00:09:38,945 No, I mean, why are you back in North Carolina? No, I mean, why are you back in North Carolina?
290 00:09:39,012 00:09:40,814 What happened with the FBI? What happened with the FBI?
291 00:09:40,881 00:09:44,384 Mm, let's just say I texted some uncensored opinions Mm, let's just say I texted some uncensored opinions
292 00:09:44,450 00:09:46,319 of a particular U. S. president, of a particular U. S. president,
293 00:09:46,386 00:09:47,721 and those texts were unearthed and those texts were unearthed
294 00:09:47,788 00:09:49,355 by a major news organization, by a major news organization,
295 00:09:49,422 00:09:53,493 and then I was offered mandatory early retirement. and then I was offered mandatory early retirement.
296 00:09:53,560 00:09:56,029 Oh, wow. I'm‐‐I'm sorry. Oh, wow. I'm‐‐I'm sorry.
297 00:09:57,430 00:09:59,365 Heather, are you here to take away my houseboat, Heather, are you here to take away my houseboat,
298 00:09:59,432 00:10:00,400 or what? or what?
299 00:10:00,466 00:10:01,735 Relax, Hunch. Relax, Hunch.
300 00:10:01,802 00:10:03,303 This is Pittsboro County. This is Pittsboro County.
301 00:10:03,369 00:10:04,505 I don't have jurisdiction. I don't have jurisdiction.
302 00:10:04,571 00:10:05,739 I just wanted to have a word. I just wanted to have a word.
303 00:10:05,806 00:10:07,541 Oh, okay. Cool. Oh, okay. Cool.
304 00:10:07,608 00:10:09,375 You shouldn't have run, Hunch. You shouldn't have run, Hunch.
305 00:10:09,442 00:10:11,678 Nobody cares about a houseboat Nobody cares about a houseboat
306 00:10:11,745 00:10:13,113 unless it's on fire. unless it's on fire.
307 00:10:13,179 00:10:15,481 If you take her back and replace the head, If you take her back and replace the head,
308 00:10:15,549 00:10:17,551 I promise there won't be any trouble. I promise there won't be any trouble.
309 00:10:17,618 00:10:19,352 Okay, understood. Okay, understood.
310 00:10:19,419 00:10:22,088 Also, that was sweet. Also, that was sweet.
311 00:10:22,155 00:10:23,790 What‐‐what‐‐ what was sweet? What‐‐what‐‐ what was sweet?
312 00:10:23,857 00:10:25,959 Well, when I saw you at the inspection station... Well, when I saw you at the inspection station...
313 00:10:26,026 00:10:28,428 ‐You saw me there? ‐Uh, yeah, dude. ‐You saw me there? ‐Uh, yeah, dude.
314 00:10:28,494 00:10:30,631 I pulled up your registration. I pulled up your registration.
315 00:10:30,697 00:10:32,365 I saw what you named your boat. I saw what you named your boat.
316 00:10:32,432 00:10:35,268 Oh, no. You did. Oh, no. You did.
317 00:10:35,335 00:10:37,638 Well, I painted it over Well, I painted it over
318 00:10:37,704 00:10:39,239 after a while. after a while.
319 00:10:39,305 00:10:41,407 ‐Sorry. ‐Still on the record, though. ‐Sorry. ‐Still on the record, though.
320 00:10:41,474 00:10:44,210 MAN: Culbreth, someone dumped a bunch of ceiling fans MAN: Culbreth, someone dumped a bunch of ceiling fans
321 00:10:44,277 00:10:46,079 in the reservoir. Go check it out. in the reservoir. Go check it out.
322 00:10:46,146 00:10:48,414 Copy that. Okay, I gotta go. Copy that. Okay, I gotta go.
323 00:10:48,481 00:10:49,616 See you around, Hunch. See you around, Hunch.
324 00:10:49,683 00:10:52,619 Yeah, uh, good to, um‐‐ yeah, around, Heather. Yeah, uh, good to, um‐‐ yeah, around, Heather.
325 00:10:52,686 00:10:55,488 (light detective music) (light detective music)
326 00:10:55,556 00:10:56,422 What happened? Are we arrested? What happened? Are we arrested?
327 00:10:56,489 00:10:57,624 I'm not sure what happened, I'm not sure what happened,
328 00:10:57,691 00:10:59,125 but we're not arrested. but we're not arrested.
329 00:10:59,192 00:11:01,427 Awesome. And look, check it out. Awesome. And look, check it out.
330 00:11:01,494 00:11:03,396 ♪♪ I got a dirty magazine ♪♪ ♪♪ I got a dirty magazine ♪♪
331 00:11:03,463 00:11:05,599 Oh, no, David, no. These marina guys... Oh, no, David, no. These marina guys...
332 00:11:05,666 00:11:07,668 But I didn't steal it. I've grown. But I didn't steal it. I've grown.
333 00:11:07,734 00:11:09,102 ‐I paid for it. ‐Okay. ‐I paid for it. ‐Okay.
334 00:11:09,169 00:11:11,538 Oh, but I did forget to pay for this beef jerky, Oh, but I did forget to pay for this beef jerky,
335 00:11:11,605 00:11:13,073 so I'll be right back. so I'll be right back.
336 00:11:13,139 00:11:16,910 The USS "Moustache Ride" sails again. The USS "Moustache Ride" sails again.
337 00:11:16,977 00:11:18,879 That's not her name. That's not her name.
338 00:11:18,945 00:11:25,185 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
339 00:11:34,661 00:11:37,497 (bright clear tones) (bright clear tones)