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# | Start | End | Original | Translated |
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1 | 00:00:05,872 | 00:00:08,241 | DAVID: ♪♪ I'm sitting at the Lunch Hut ♪♪ | DAVID: ♪♪ I'm sitting at the Lunch Hut ♪♪ |
2 | 00:00:08,308 | 00:00:10,410 | ♪♪ I'm feeling on these nuts ♪♪ | ♪♪ I'm feeling on these nuts ♪♪ |
3 | 00:00:10,476 | 00:00:14,314 | ♪♪ Waiting on my buddy to order food for us ♪♪ | ♪♪ Waiting on my buddy to order food for us ♪♪ |
4 | 00:00:14,380 | 00:00:15,549 | ‐I said‐‐ ‐Where's your friend, | ‐I said‐‐ ‐Where's your friend, |
5 | 00:00:15,616 | 00:00:17,250 | the grumpy guy with the moustache? | the grumpy guy with the moustache? |
6 | 00:00:17,317 | 00:00:18,519 | Uh, you know, I don't know, | Uh, you know, I don't know, |
7 | 00:00:18,585 | 00:00:19,853 | because I thought he was gonna be here, | because I thought he was gonna be here, |
8 | 00:00:19,920 | 00:00:21,321 | but he is not. | but he is not. |
9 | 00:00:21,387 | 00:00:22,956 | Well, can I get you anything while you wait? | Well, can I get you anything while you wait? |
10 | 00:00:23,023 | 00:00:24,758 | Oh, I have a question. | Oh, I have a question. |
11 | 00:00:24,825 | 00:00:28,161 | Can I use his money, even if he's not here yet? | Can I use his money, even if he's not here yet? |
12 | 00:00:28,228 | 00:00:29,362 | Is that legal? | Is that legal? |
13 | 00:00:29,429 | 00:00:31,565 | Well, you don't pay till the end, | Well, you don't pay till the end, |
14 | 00:00:31,632 | 00:00:33,166 | so...yes. | so...yes. |
15 | 00:00:33,233 | 00:00:35,035 | ♪♪ Awesome! ♪♪ | ♪♪ Awesome! ♪♪ |
16 | 00:00:35,101 | 00:00:36,603 | Large coffee, egg salad sandwich, | Large coffee, egg salad sandwich, |
17 | 00:00:36,670 | 00:00:38,471 | disco fries, and double the order. | disco fries, and double the order. |
18 | 00:00:38,539 | 00:00:40,574 | Okay. On it. | Okay. On it. |
19 | 00:00:40,641 | 00:00:42,843 | (upbeat music) | (upbeat music) |
20 | 00:00:42,909 | 00:00:44,711 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
21 | 00:00:44,778 | 00:00:46,146 | (stomach growling) | (stomach growling) |
22 | 00:00:46,212 | 00:00:49,783 | (phone buzzing) | (phone buzzing) |
23 | 00:00:49,850 | 00:00:51,084 | Dude, where are you? | Dude, where are you? |
24 | 00:00:51,151 | 00:00:53,353 | I've eaten two egg salad sandwiches, | I've eaten two egg salad sandwiches, |
25 | 00:00:53,419 | 00:00:55,255 | and I don't feel good. | and I don't feel good. |
26 | 00:00:55,321 | 00:00:56,790 | I took my houseboat into lake patrol | I took my houseboat into lake patrol |
27 | 00:00:56,857 | 00:00:57,924 | for inspection, and it failed. | for inspection, and it failed. |
28 | 00:00:57,991 | 00:00:59,192 | I don't care. You need to come | I don't care. You need to come |
29 | 00:00:59,259 | 00:01:00,594 | to the Lunch Hut and pay for these sandwiches. | to the Lunch Hut and pay for these sandwiches. |
30 | 00:01:00,661 | 00:01:01,695 | No, I can't. I panicked, and I took off. | No, I can't. I panicked, and I took off. |
31 | 00:01:01,762 | 00:01:03,329 | (laughs) Wait, hold on. | (laughs) Wait, hold on. |
32 | 00:01:03,396 | 00:01:04,765 | You're telling me you're, like, on the run | You're telling me you're, like, on the run |
33 | 00:01:04,831 | 00:01:05,732 | from the houseboat police? | from the houseboat police? |
34 | 00:01:05,799 | 00:01:07,467 | Yes, I am, David, | Yes, I am, David, |
35 | 00:01:07,534 | 00:01:09,302 | on the run and out of gas. | on the run and out of gas. |
36 | 00:01:09,369 | 00:01:12,272 | (dramatic music) | (dramatic music) |
37 | 00:01:12,338 | 00:01:17,043 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
38 | 00:01:17,110 | 00:01:18,612 | DAVID: Okay, that's it. that's everything | DAVID: Okay, that's it. that's everything |
39 | 00:01:18,679 | 00:01:19,946 | I could siphon out of the Fiero. | I could siphon out of the Fiero. |
40 | 00:01:20,013 | 00:01:23,149 | Ugh. Mouth tastes like gas again. | Ugh. Mouth tastes like gas again. |
41 | 00:01:23,216 | 00:01:24,284 | Copy that, David. Contact. | Copy that, David. Contact. |
42 | 00:01:24,350 | 00:01:27,420 | (engine sputtering) | (engine sputtering) |
43 | 00:01:28,855 | 00:01:31,124 | Hey, I just noticed this for the first time, | Hey, I just noticed this for the first time, |
44 | 00:01:31,191 | 00:01:32,826 | but why doesn't your houseboat have a name? | but why doesn't your houseboat have a name? |
45 | 00:01:32,893 | 00:01:34,094 | Not every boat has a name. | Not every boat has a name. |
46 | 00:01:34,160 | 00:01:36,496 | Uh, every boat has to have a name. | Uh, every boat has to have a name. |
47 | 00:01:36,563 | 00:01:38,031 | You know what? I have a suggestion. | You know what? I have a suggestion. |
48 | 00:01:38,098 | 00:01:40,066 | The USS "Moustache Ride." | The USS "Moustache Ride." |
49 | 00:01:40,133 | 00:01:41,301 | ‐No. ‐Ah, let me explain. | ‐No. ‐Ah, let me explain. |
50 | 00:01:41,367 | 00:01:42,836 | ‐You have a moustache... ‐Uh‐huh. | ‐You have a moustache... ‐Uh‐huh. |
51 | 00:01:42,903 | 00:01:44,437 | And you ride on a boat... | And you ride on a boat... |
52 | 00:01:44,505 | 00:01:46,372 | ‐You know, I got it. ‐And also, | ‐You know, I got it. ‐And also, |
53 | 00:01:46,439 | 00:01:49,309 | it has a sexual connotation. | it has a sexual connotation. |
54 | 00:01:49,375 | 00:01:51,344 | Oh, really, you finally got around to that part? | Oh, really, you finally got around to that part? |
55 | 00:01:51,411 | 00:01:52,546 | I get it, David. No. | I get it, David. No. |
56 | 00:01:52,613 | 00:01:54,681 | Wait, isn't Richardsville back that way? | Wait, isn't Richardsville back that way? |
57 | 00:01:54,748 | 00:01:56,149 | Yes, it is, but I'm not going back. | Yes, it is, but I'm not going back. |
58 | 00:01:56,216 | 00:01:58,051 | Oh, no, you've got to turn this boat around. | Oh, no, you've got to turn this boat around. |
59 | 00:01:58,118 | 00:01:59,920 | My mom is making famous meatloaf tonight, | My mom is making famous meatloaf tonight, |
60 | 00:01:59,986 | 00:02:01,221 | and then Allie and I were talking | and then Allie and I were talking |
61 | 00:02:01,287 | 00:02:04,157 | about hooking up later for some boning and moaning. | about hooking up later for some boning and moaning. |
62 | 00:02:04,224 | 00:02:05,692 | Where, at your parents' house, David? | Where, at your parents' house, David? |
63 | 00:02:05,759 | 00:02:06,860 | On this houseboat... | On this houseboat... |
64 | 00:02:06,927 | 00:02:08,128 | ‐What? ‐While you sleep. | ‐What? ‐While you sleep. |
65 | 00:02:08,194 | 00:02:09,229 | ‐What? ‐Dude, you live | ‐What? ‐Dude, you live |
66 | 00:02:09,295 | 00:02:11,632 | on an open, unprotected boat. | on an open, unprotected boat. |
67 | 00:02:11,698 | 00:02:13,767 | You sleep with an eye mask... and earplugs... | You sleep with an eye mask... and earplugs... |
68 | 00:02:13,834 | 00:02:16,503 | and a crazy‐loud white noise machine | and a crazy‐loud white noise machine |
69 | 00:02:16,570 | 00:02:18,004 | that makes ocean wave crashing sounds. | that makes ocean wave crashing sounds. |
70 | 00:02:18,071 | 00:02:19,272 | This was always gonna happen. | This was always gonna happen. |
71 | 00:02:19,339 | 00:02:20,941 | JOHN: You've heard my noise machine? | JOHN: You've heard my noise machine? |
72 | 00:02:21,007 | 00:02:22,743 | DAVID: And always has been happening. | DAVID: And always has been happening. |
73 | 00:02:22,809 | 00:02:23,844 | JOHN: Oh, Jesus, David. | JOHN: Oh, Jesus, David. |
74 | 00:02:23,910 | 00:02:25,445 | ♪♪ I've been fucking on your houseboat ♪♪ | ♪♪ I've been fucking on your houseboat ♪♪ |
75 | 00:02:25,512 | 00:02:26,713 | ♪♪ While you sleep ♪♪ | ♪♪ While you sleep ♪♪ |
76 | 00:02:26,780 | 00:02:27,614 | (groans) | (groans) |
77 | 00:02:27,681 | 00:02:29,482 | By the way, I want to say one thing. | By the way, I want to say one thing. |
78 | 00:02:29,550 | 00:02:31,752 | I think it's really fucked up and sick | I think it's really fucked up and sick |
79 | 00:02:31,818 | 00:02:34,454 | that you live on a lake, but you listen to the ocean. | that you live on a lake, but you listen to the ocean. |
80 | 00:02:34,521 | 00:02:35,922 | You know what? A lot is fucked up right now. | You know what? A lot is fucked up right now. |
81 | 00:02:35,989 | 00:02:37,624 | Oh, my God. Take a breath. | Oh, my God. Take a breath. |
82 | 00:02:37,691 | 00:02:39,893 | Turn this houseboat around, bright‐eyes, | Turn this houseboat around, bright‐eyes, |
83 | 00:02:39,960 | 00:02:41,294 | because I fully intend on having | because I fully intend on having |
84 | 00:02:41,361 | 00:02:44,531 | a total eclipse of the cock on this houseboat tonight. | a total eclipse of the cock on this houseboat tonight. |
85 | 00:02:44,598 | 00:02:47,200 | I can't turn around, David. If I turn around, | I can't turn around, David. If I turn around, |
86 | 00:02:47,267 | 00:02:48,502 | Richardsville Water and Sewer Authority | Richardsville Water and Sewer Authority |
87 | 00:02:48,569 | 00:02:50,203 | impounds the boat, and then I'm homeless. | impounds the boat, and then I'm homeless. |
88 | 00:02:50,270 | 00:02:51,471 | How are they gonna impound this boat? | How are they gonna impound this boat? |
89 | 00:02:51,538 | 00:02:52,539 | This boat looks terrific. | This boat looks terrific. |
90 | 00:02:52,606 | 00:02:54,107 | David, she's falling apart. | David, she's falling apart. |
91 | 00:02:54,174 | 00:02:56,910 | The battery bank is corroded, the bilge pump barely works, | The battery bank is corroded, the bilge pump barely works, |
92 | 00:02:56,977 | 00:02:58,278 | and the head needs replacing. | and the head needs replacing. |
93 | 00:02:58,344 | 00:02:59,680 | Apparently, it's been pumping my feces | Apparently, it's been pumping my feces |
94 | 00:02:59,746 | 00:03:01,181 | directly into the lake for a year. | directly into the lake for a year. |
95 | 00:03:01,247 | 00:03:02,916 | Damn, you know a lot of boat vocab. | Damn, you know a lot of boat vocab. |
96 | 00:03:02,983 | 00:03:04,885 | Plus, I still owe $9,000 on it, | Plus, I still owe $9,000 on it, |
97 | 00:03:04,951 | 00:03:07,120 | so no, I'm not going back. | so no, I'm not going back. |
98 | 00:03:07,187 | 00:03:08,655 | And that would be ridiculous. | And that would be ridiculous. |
99 | 00:03:08,722 | 00:03:11,391 | Instead, I'm gonna go hide in the creek system. | Instead, I'm gonna go hide in the creek system. |
100 | 00:03:11,457 | 00:03:13,560 | Once I'm over the line in Pittsboro County, | Once I'm over the line in Pittsboro County, |
101 | 00:03:13,627 | 00:03:15,161 | I'm gonna find a fresh water source, | I'm gonna find a fresh water source, |
102 | 00:03:15,228 | 00:03:18,131 | and‐‐and I'll trap nutria and‐‐and eat it. | and‐‐and I'll trap nutria and‐‐and eat it. |
103 | 00:03:18,198 | 00:03:20,133 | I'm gonna live on this leaky metaphor | I'm gonna live on this leaky metaphor |
104 | 00:03:20,200 | 00:03:22,603 | for my totally fucked, broken‐down life | for my totally fucked, broken‐down life |
105 | 00:03:22,669 | 00:03:24,137 | until such time as I am no longer | until such time as I am no longer |
106 | 00:03:24,204 | 00:03:25,338 | figuratively underwater, | figuratively underwater, |
107 | 00:03:25,405 | 00:03:28,408 | but actually underwater. | but actually underwater. |
108 | 00:03:28,474 | 00:03:29,843 | At least you're not being dramatic about it. | At least you're not being dramatic about it. |
109 | 00:03:29,910 | 00:03:31,778 | Why don't you just go back in the rowboat, David? | Why don't you just go back in the rowboat, David? |
110 | 00:03:31,845 | 00:03:33,714 | Oh, because I suck at tying knots. | Oh, because I suck at tying knots. |
111 | 00:03:33,780 | 00:03:35,716 | Well, then, welcome to the jungle. | Well, then, welcome to the jungle. |
112 | 00:03:37,951 | 00:03:39,485 | Whoo! Hell, yeah. | Whoo! Hell, yeah. |
113 | 00:03:39,553 | 00:03:41,187 | This is like Miami Vice, man. | This is like Miami Vice, man. |
114 | 00:03:41,254 | 00:03:44,925 | Crockett and Tubbs. I'm a fiend for mojitos! | Crockett and Tubbs. I'm a fiend for mojitos! |
115 | 00:03:44,991 | 00:03:47,027 | (loud bang) | (loud bang) |
116 | 00:03:47,093 | 00:03:49,996 | (engine sputters) | (engine sputters) |
117 | 00:03:53,399 | 00:03:55,068 | Oh, fuck me. | Oh, fuck me. |
118 | 00:03:55,135 | 00:03:58,071 | (rock music) | (rock music) |
119 | 00:03:58,138 | 00:04:04,978 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
120 | 00:04:16,189 | 00:04:19,392 | (sighs) I don't want to eat nutria. | (sighs) I don't want to eat nutria. |
121 | 00:04:19,459 | 00:04:26,499 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
122 | 00:04:28,068 | 00:04:30,604 | (surf breaking) | (surf breaking) |
123 | 00:04:30,671 | 00:04:32,806 | All right, better conserve the battery. | All right, better conserve the battery. |
124 | 00:04:32,873 | 00:04:34,274 | Thank you, Jesus. | Thank you, Jesus. |
125 | 00:04:35,942 | 00:04:36,710 | So I don't get it. | So I don't get it. |
126 | 00:04:36,777 | 00:04:39,012 | How can you operate a houseboat | How can you operate a houseboat |
127 | 00:04:39,079 | 00:04:40,681 | if you never learned to drive | if you never learned to drive |
128 | 00:04:40,747 | 00:04:41,582 | and you don't have a driver's license? | and you don't have a driver's license? |
129 | 00:04:41,648 | 00:04:42,683 | No, I know how to drive, | No, I know how to drive, |
130 | 00:04:42,749 | 00:04:44,217 | and‐‐and I did have a driver's license. | and‐‐and I did have a driver's license. |
131 | 00:04:44,284 | 00:04:45,886 | ‐Whoa. ‐I just‐‐it was revoked. | ‐Whoa. ‐I just‐‐it was revoked. |
132 | 00:04:45,952 | 00:04:47,053 | (laughs) What? | (laughs) What? |
133 | 00:04:47,120 | 00:04:48,188 | You never told me that. | You never told me that. |
134 | 00:04:48,254 | 00:04:49,255 | Yeah, well, let's just say | Yeah, well, let's just say |
135 | 00:04:49,322 | 00:04:50,490 | it was a dark time. | it was a dark time. |
136 | 00:04:50,557 | 00:04:52,859 | Uh, I gotta hear about this dark time. | Uh, I gotta hear about this dark time. |
137 | 00:04:52,926 | 00:04:54,360 | ‐Come on. ‐It's personal, David. | ‐Come on. ‐It's personal, David. |
138 | 00:04:54,427 | 00:04:56,362 | ‐I don't‐‐ ‐Yeah! It's time for... | ‐I don't‐‐ ‐Yeah! It's time for... |
139 | 00:04:56,429 | 00:04:59,933 | Real Houseboat Confessions: After Dark. | Real Houseboat Confessions: After Dark. |
140 | 00:05:01,502 | 00:05:02,402 | No, I'm not going to. | No, I'm not going to. |
141 | 00:05:02,468 | 00:05:03,469 | You go first. | You go first. |
142 | 00:05:03,537 | 00:05:04,404 | No, I'm not going to go at all. | No, I'm not going to go at all. |
143 | 00:05:04,470 | 00:05:05,506 | Fine, I'll go first. | Fine, I'll go first. |
144 | 00:05:05,572 | 00:05:06,472 | Okay, I've never told anybody this. | Okay, I've never told anybody this. |
145 | 00:05:06,540 | 00:05:08,041 | And you don't ever have to. | And you don't ever have to. |
146 | 00:05:08,108 | 00:05:09,342 | ‐John... ‐Okay. | ‐John... ‐Okay. |
147 | 00:05:09,409 | 00:05:11,578 | I'm actually banned for life | I'm actually banned for life |
148 | 00:05:11,645 | 00:05:12,946 | from Jeff's newsstand. | from Jeff's newsstand. |
149 | 00:05:13,013 | 00:05:15,816 | ‐What? ‐For stealing dirty magazines. | ‐What? ‐For stealing dirty magazines. |
150 | 00:05:15,882 | 00:05:17,083 | Well, you and Aaron used to steal | Well, you and Aaron used to steal |
151 | 00:05:17,150 | 00:05:18,519 | dirty magazines all the time in seventh grade. | dirty magazines all the time in seventh grade. |
152 | 00:05:18,585 | 00:05:19,720 | Remember? I busted you for it. | Remember? I busted you for it. |
153 | 00:05:19,786 | 00:05:20,787 | The mystery of the hijacked jugs. | The mystery of the hijacked jugs. |
154 | 00:05:20,854 | 00:05:23,389 | Yeah, yeah, but this wasn't in seventh grade. | Yeah, yeah, but this wasn't in seventh grade. |
155 | 00:05:23,456 | 00:05:25,191 | ‐W‐when was it? ‐It was last year. | ‐W‐when was it? ‐It was last year. |
156 | 00:05:25,258 | 00:05:26,426 | Last year? Why? | Last year? Why? |
157 | 00:05:26,492 | 00:05:29,563 | I never stopped stealing dirty magazines. | I never stopped stealing dirty magazines. |
158 | 00:05:29,630 | 00:05:30,631 | But David, you're a grown man, | But David, you're a grown man, |
159 | 00:05:30,697 | 00:05:32,566 | and also, porn is free now. | and also, porn is free now. |
160 | 00:05:32,633 | 00:05:33,734 | ‐Why would you steal it? ‐I know. | ‐Why would you steal it? ‐I know. |
161 | 00:05:33,800 | 00:05:35,335 | Because I'm addicted to stealing it. | Because I'm addicted to stealing it. |
162 | 00:05:35,401 | 00:05:37,003 | ‐Ugh. ‐It's the transgression. | ‐Ugh. ‐It's the transgression. |
163 | 00:05:37,070 | 00:05:40,707 | Gives me a danger boner, is what my therapist calls it. | Gives me a danger boner, is what my therapist calls it. |
164 | 00:05:40,774 | 00:05:42,342 | And I have this messed‐up relationship | And I have this messed‐up relationship |
165 | 00:05:42,408 | 00:05:44,110 | to the sexuality and the forbidden | to the sexuality and the forbidden |
166 | 00:05:44,177 | 00:05:45,111 | and all this stuff, | and all this stuff, |
167 | 00:05:45,178 | 00:05:47,080 | and if I smell scratch‐off tickets | and if I smell scratch‐off tickets |
168 | 00:05:47,147 | 00:05:48,381 | while I'm stealing pornography, | while I'm stealing pornography, |
169 | 00:05:48,448 | 00:05:50,016 | it's just, like, the most exhilarating feeling. | it's just, like, the most exhilarating feeling. |
170 | 00:05:50,083 | 00:05:51,818 | And Jeff said if he ever saw me in his shop again, | And Jeff said if he ever saw me in his shop again, |
171 | 00:05:51,885 | 00:05:53,386 | he was gonna tell my parents at church, | he was gonna tell my parents at church, |
172 | 00:05:53,453 | 00:05:54,888 | and I don't want them to judge me. | and I don't want them to judge me. |
173 | 00:05:54,955 | 00:05:57,157 | ‐(motor whirring) ‐Wait, you have a therapist? | ‐(motor whirring) ‐Wait, you have a therapist? |
174 | 00:05:57,223 | 00:05:58,892 | Ooh, boat, boat, boat! | Ooh, boat, boat, boat! |
175 | 00:05:58,959 | 00:06:00,326 | Look, there's a boat. We're saved. | Look, there's a boat. We're saved. |
176 | 00:06:00,393 | 00:06:01,528 | ‐We're saved. ‐Oh, shh, shh, shh. | ‐We're saved. ‐Oh, shh, shh, shh. |
177 | 00:06:01,595 | 00:06:03,129 | David. David, David, get down, get down. | David. David, David, get down, get down. |
178 | 00:06:03,196 | 00:06:04,464 | ‐Wait, what are you doing? ‐It's the law, David. | ‐Wait, what are you doing? ‐It's the law, David. |
179 | 00:06:04,531 | 00:06:07,501 | (low jazz music) | (low jazz music) |
180 | 00:06:07,568 | 00:06:10,236 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
181 | 00:06:10,303 | 00:06:11,437 | DAVID: Wait, hold on a sec. | DAVID: Wait, hold on a sec. |
182 | 00:06:11,505 | 00:06:12,939 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
183 | 00:06:13,006 | 00:06:16,109 | Oh, my God. Guess who it is, man. | Oh, my God. Guess who it is, man. |
184 | 00:06:16,176 | 00:06:17,844 | ‐JOHN: It's Heather Culbreth. ‐DAVID: Yeah! | ‐JOHN: It's Heather Culbreth. ‐DAVID: Yeah! |
185 | 00:06:17,911 | 00:06:19,680 | It's your little detective friend | It's your little detective friend |
186 | 00:06:19,746 | 00:06:21,748 | ‐from back in the day. ‐Yeah, I know. | ‐from back in the day. ‐Yeah, I know. |
187 | 00:06:21,815 | 00:06:25,018 | We solved a lot of mysteries together. | We solved a lot of mysteries together. |
188 | 00:06:25,085 | 00:06:27,253 | She was almost as brilliant a detective as I was. | She was almost as brilliant a detective as I was. |
189 | 00:06:27,320 | 00:06:29,422 | We even made the paper once. | We even made the paper once. |
190 | 00:06:29,489 | 00:06:31,257 | But then in ninth grade, she went to boarding school, | But then in ninth grade, she went to boarding school, |
191 | 00:06:31,324 | 00:06:34,127 | so we saw less and less of each other. | so we saw less and less of each other. |
192 | 00:06:34,194 | 00:06:35,295 | I admired her. | I admired her. |
193 | 00:06:35,361 | 00:06:36,963 | W‐wait, what is she doing | W‐wait, what is she doing |
194 | 00:06:37,030 | 00:06:38,599 | working for Dicktown Water And Sewer? | working for Dicktown Water And Sewer? |
195 | 00:06:38,665 | 00:06:40,000 | JOHN: That's the thing. I have no idea. | JOHN: That's the thing. I have no idea. |
196 | 00:06:40,066 | 00:06:42,102 | She came in while my houseboat was being inspected. | She came in while my houseboat was being inspected. |
197 | 00:06:42,168 | 00:06:43,804 | I saw her uniform. I took my boat and ran. | I saw her uniform. I took my boat and ran. |
198 | 00:06:43,870 | 00:06:46,072 | Wait, but she's your friend. You should've said hello. | Wait, but she's your friend. You should've said hello. |
199 | 00:06:46,139 | 00:06:48,308 | No, no, I didn't want her to know I never left town. | No, no, I didn't want her to know I never left town. |
200 | 00:06:48,374 | 00:06:49,309 | You know in college, | You know in college, |
201 | 00:06:49,375 | 00:06:51,277 | we were both recruited by the FBI? | we were both recruited by the FBI? |
202 | 00:06:51,344 | 00:06:53,113 | (snorts) What? | (snorts) What? |
203 | 00:06:53,179 | 00:06:54,414 | Yeah, of course. | Yeah, of course. |
204 | 00:06:54,480 | 00:06:56,282 | She took the job and moved away. | She took the job and moved away. |
205 | 00:06:56,349 | 00:06:58,685 | I said no, stayed here, | I said no, stayed here, |
206 | 00:06:58,752 | 00:06:59,920 | bought a houseboat 'cause I thought | bought a houseboat 'cause I thought |
207 | 00:06:59,986 | 00:07:02,523 | I'd be a cool private detective. | I'd be a cool private detective. |
208 | 00:07:02,589 | 00:07:04,357 | ‐Worst decision I ever made. ‐Come on, man. | ‐Worst decision I ever made. ‐Come on, man. |
209 | 00:07:04,424 | 00:07:05,659 | You don't want to work for the Man | You don't want to work for the Man |
210 | 00:07:05,726 | 00:07:07,694 | doing a bunch of shady shit, getting health insurance | doing a bunch of shady shit, getting health insurance |
211 | 00:07:07,761 | 00:07:08,662 | and pension like some square. | and pension like some square. |
212 | 00:07:08,729 | 00:07:10,864 | Ugh, David, look where I am. | Ugh, David, look where I am. |
213 | 00:07:10,931 | 00:07:12,733 | I'm on top of a dying houseboat. | I'm on top of a dying houseboat. |
214 | 00:07:12,799 | 00:07:14,568 | I'm ashamed. I'm broke. | I'm ashamed. I'm broke. |
215 | 00:07:14,635 | 00:07:15,669 | I work for children. | I work for children. |
216 | 00:07:15,736 | 00:07:16,937 | Fuck yeah, you do, man, | Fuck yeah, you do, man, |
217 | 00:07:17,003 | 00:07:19,105 | and you got your best buddy right by your side. | and you got your best buddy right by your side. |
218 | 00:07:19,172 | 00:07:20,440 | You are crushing life. | You are crushing life. |
219 | 00:07:20,507 | 00:07:22,743 | You are a hero for these times, John. | You are a hero for these times, John. |
220 | 00:07:22,809 | 00:07:24,945 | JOHN: No, I am not. | JOHN: No, I am not. |
221 | 00:07:25,011 | 00:07:26,847 | Wait, let's get back to True Houseboat Confessions. | Wait, let's get back to True Houseboat Confessions. |
222 | 00:07:26,913 | 00:07:29,149 | Why did you get your license taken away? | Why did you get your license taken away? |
223 | 00:07:29,215 | 00:07:32,318 | What? Oh, um... | What? Oh, um... |
224 | 00:07:32,385 | 00:07:33,720 | The first time I saw The Matrix, | The first time I saw The Matrix, |
225 | 00:07:33,787 | 00:07:35,421 | I got really excited, and I ate a bunch of ecstasy, | I got really excited, and I ate a bunch of ecstasy, |
226 | 00:07:35,488 | 00:07:38,792 | and I drove my car into an elementary school cafeteria. | and I drove my car into an elementary school cafeteria. |
227 | 00:07:38,859 | 00:07:39,860 | I mean, it was nighttime. No one was hurt. | I mean, it was nighttime. No one was hurt. |
228 | 00:07:39,926 | 00:07:42,095 | But that's where the mayor's kids went, | But that's where the mayor's kids went, |
229 | 00:07:42,162 | 00:07:44,998 | so they threw everything at me, took my license away. | so they threw everything at me, took my license away. |
230 | 00:07:45,065 | 00:07:47,233 | My mom, as you know, is the chief of police, | My mom, as you know, is the chief of police, |
231 | 00:07:47,300 | 00:07:50,336 | so she kept it out of the papers. | so she kept it out of the papers. |
232 | 00:07:50,403 | 00:07:51,572 | She bent the rules for me, | She bent the rules for me, |
233 | 00:07:51,638 | 00:07:53,006 | even though I didn't deserve it. | even though I didn't deserve it. |
234 | 00:07:53,073 | 00:07:58,044 | So I don't have a license anymore. | So I don't have a license anymore. |
235 | 00:07:58,111 | 00:07:59,546 | Good night. | Good night. |
236 | 00:07:59,613 | 00:08:02,182 | (melancholy music) | (melancholy music) |
237 | 00:08:02,248 | 00:08:05,185 | (birds singing) | (birds singing) |
238 | 00:08:10,524 | 00:08:12,158 | (phone buzzing) | (phone buzzing) |
239 | 00:08:12,225 | 00:08:14,027 | Oh, thank you, Lord, for a respite | Oh, thank you, Lord, for a respite |
240 | 00:08:14,094 | 00:08:15,395 | from this madness. | from this madness. |
241 | 00:08:15,461 | 00:08:18,131 | (engine starting abortively) | (engine starting abortively) |
242 | 00:08:18,198 | 00:08:20,501 | Hey, John, get up here! | Hey, John, get up here! |
243 | 00:08:20,567 | 00:08:21,668 | What? What is it? | What? What is it? |
244 | 00:08:21,735 | 00:08:23,069 | I got cell service, dude. I called for help. | I got cell service, dude. I called for help. |
245 | 00:08:23,136 | 00:08:24,037 | Oh, what? No. | Oh, what? No. |
246 | 00:08:24,104 | 00:08:25,205 | Did you‐‐did you give away our location? | Did you‐‐did you give away our location? |
247 | 00:08:25,271 | 00:08:26,807 | I‐‐calm down. | I‐‐calm down. |
248 | 00:08:26,873 | 00:08:29,075 | All I did was call a local marina. | All I did was call a local marina. |
249 | 00:08:29,142 | 00:08:30,376 | ‐And I called your dad. ‐What? | ‐And I called your dad. ‐What? |
250 | 00:08:30,443 | 00:08:31,712 | And good news: | And good news: |
251 | 00:08:31,778 | 00:08:33,446 | Your dad is gonna float the cost | Your dad is gonna float the cost |
252 | 00:08:33,514 | 00:08:34,715 | of getting the houseboat fixed. | of getting the houseboat fixed. |
253 | 00:08:34,781 | 00:08:37,183 | Get it? A boat floats. | Get it? A boat floats. |
254 | 00:08:37,250 | 00:08:38,118 | God damn it, David. | God damn it, David. |
255 | 00:08:38,184 | 00:08:39,352 | You know I don't take money from my dad. | You know I don't take money from my dad. |
256 | 00:08:39,419 | 00:08:40,386 | Ugh. | Ugh. |
257 | 00:08:40,453 | 00:08:41,888 | Today, you take money from your dad. | Today, you take money from your dad. |
258 | 00:08:41,955 | 00:08:43,957 | Today, you took a lot of money from your dad. | Today, you took a lot of money from your dad. |
259 | 00:08:44,024 | 00:08:45,125 | You done did it. | You done did it. |
260 | 00:08:45,191 | 00:08:46,560 | (jazz music) | (jazz music) |
261 | 00:08:46,627 | 00:08:48,294 | JOHN: You know what? This is nice. | JOHN: You know what? This is nice. |
262 | 00:08:48,361 | 00:08:49,596 | I can make a new life here. | I can make a new life here. |
263 | 00:08:49,663 | 00:08:51,231 | No way, man. This marina sucks. | No way, man. This marina sucks. |
264 | 00:08:51,297 | 00:08:52,766 | No, that sign says they need someone | No, that sign says they need someone |
265 | 00:08:52,833 | 00:08:54,535 | to make breakfast sandwiches at the marina store. | to make breakfast sandwiches at the marina store. |
266 | 00:08:54,601 | 00:08:56,069 | You can't run from the law, John. | You can't run from the law, John. |
267 | 00:08:56,136 | 00:08:59,506 | You are the law, in a weird, minor way. | You are the law, in a weird, minor way. |
268 | 00:08:59,573 | 00:09:01,174 | But I can't go back, | But I can't go back, |
269 | 00:09:01,241 | 00:09:02,943 | and I like making breakfast sandwiches. | and I like making breakfast sandwiches. |
270 | 00:09:03,009 | 00:09:04,344 | ‐I'm very good at it. ‐No, no. | ‐I'm very good at it. ‐No, no. |
271 | 00:09:04,410 | 00:09:05,411 | Take it from me. | Take it from me. |
272 | 00:09:05,478 | 00:09:06,680 | You don't want to have a place | You don't want to have a place |
273 | 00:09:06,747 | 00:09:07,848 | you can't go back to. | you can't go back to. |
274 | 00:09:07,914 | 00:09:09,950 | HEATHER: Ha! There you are. | HEATHER: Ha! There you are. |
275 | 00:09:10,016 | 00:09:11,685 | Ooh, busted! | Ooh, busted! |
276 | 00:09:11,752 | 00:09:13,987 | What is up, Heather Culbreth? | What is up, Heather Culbreth? |
277 | 00:09:14,054 | 00:09:15,321 | Oh, my God. | Oh, my God. |
278 | 00:09:15,388 | 00:09:16,890 | Mr. Purefoy, | Mr. Purefoy, |
279 | 00:09:16,957 | 00:09:18,925 | step away from Mr. Hunchman, please. | step away from Mr. Hunchman, please. |
280 | 00:09:18,992 | 00:09:22,328 | Uh, okay. | Uh, okay. |
281 | 00:09:22,395 | 00:09:24,197 | ‐How did you find me? ‐Well... | ‐How did you find me? ‐Well... |
282 | 00:09:24,264 | 00:09:25,532 | I made some calls, looking | I made some calls, looking |
283 | 00:09:25,599 | 00:09:27,734 | for a malfunctioning houseboat... | for a malfunctioning houseboat... |
284 | 00:09:27,801 | 00:09:28,702 | and then I called your dad. | and then I called your dad. |
285 | 00:09:28,769 | 00:09:30,871 | Oh. Wowie‐zowie. | Oh. Wowie‐zowie. |
286 | 00:09:30,937 | 00:09:32,773 | Hi, Hunch. I like the beard. | Hi, Hunch. I like the beard. |
287 | 00:09:32,839 | 00:09:34,708 | Heather, what‐‐ what are you doing here? | Heather, what‐‐ what are you doing here? |
288 | 00:09:34,775 | 00:09:36,943 | You know I always get my man. | You know I always get my man. |
289 | 00:09:37,010 | 00:09:38,945 | No, I mean, why are you back in North Carolina? | No, I mean, why are you back in North Carolina? |
290 | 00:09:39,012 | 00:09:40,814 | What happened with the FBI? | What happened with the FBI? |
291 | 00:09:40,881 | 00:09:44,384 | Mm, let's just say I texted some uncensored opinions | Mm, let's just say I texted some uncensored opinions |
292 | 00:09:44,450 | 00:09:46,319 | of a particular U. S. president, | of a particular U. S. president, |
293 | 00:09:46,386 | 00:09:47,721 | and those texts were unearthed | and those texts were unearthed |
294 | 00:09:47,788 | 00:09:49,355 | by a major news organization, | by a major news organization, |
295 | 00:09:49,422 | 00:09:53,493 | and then I was offered mandatory early retirement. | and then I was offered mandatory early retirement. |
296 | 00:09:53,560 | 00:09:56,029 | Oh, wow. I'm‐‐I'm sorry. | Oh, wow. I'm‐‐I'm sorry. |
297 | 00:09:57,430 | 00:09:59,365 | Heather, are you here to take away my houseboat, | Heather, are you here to take away my houseboat, |
298 | 00:09:59,432 | 00:10:00,400 | or what? | or what? |
299 | 00:10:00,466 | 00:10:01,735 | Relax, Hunch. | Relax, Hunch. |
300 | 00:10:01,802 | 00:10:03,303 | This is Pittsboro County. | This is Pittsboro County. |
301 | 00:10:03,369 | 00:10:04,505 | I don't have jurisdiction. | I don't have jurisdiction. |
302 | 00:10:04,571 | 00:10:05,739 | I just wanted to have a word. | I just wanted to have a word. |
303 | 00:10:05,806 | 00:10:07,541 | Oh, okay. Cool. | Oh, okay. Cool. |
304 | 00:10:07,608 | 00:10:09,375 | You shouldn't have run, Hunch. | You shouldn't have run, Hunch. |
305 | 00:10:09,442 | 00:10:11,678 | Nobody cares about a houseboat | Nobody cares about a houseboat |
306 | 00:10:11,745 | 00:10:13,113 | unless it's on fire. | unless it's on fire. |
307 | 00:10:13,179 | 00:10:15,481 | If you take her back and replace the head, | If you take her back and replace the head, |
308 | 00:10:15,549 | 00:10:17,551 | I promise there won't be any trouble. | I promise there won't be any trouble. |
309 | 00:10:17,618 | 00:10:19,352 | Okay, understood. | Okay, understood. |
310 | 00:10:19,419 | 00:10:22,088 | Also, that was sweet. | Also, that was sweet. |
311 | 00:10:22,155 | 00:10:23,790 | What‐‐what‐‐ what was sweet? | What‐‐what‐‐ what was sweet? |
312 | 00:10:23,857 | 00:10:25,959 | Well, when I saw you at the inspection station... | Well, when I saw you at the inspection station... |
313 | 00:10:26,026 | 00:10:28,428 | ‐You saw me there? ‐Uh, yeah, dude. | ‐You saw me there? ‐Uh, yeah, dude. |
314 | 00:10:28,494 | 00:10:30,631 | I pulled up your registration. | I pulled up your registration. |
315 | 00:10:30,697 | 00:10:32,365 | I saw what you named your boat. | I saw what you named your boat. |
316 | 00:10:32,432 | 00:10:35,268 | Oh, no. You did. | Oh, no. You did. |
317 | 00:10:35,335 | 00:10:37,638 | Well, I painted it over | Well, I painted it over |
318 | 00:10:37,704 | 00:10:39,239 | after a while. | after a while. |
319 | 00:10:39,305 | 00:10:41,407 | ‐Sorry. ‐Still on the record, though. | ‐Sorry. ‐Still on the record, though. |
320 | 00:10:41,474 | 00:10:44,210 | MAN: Culbreth, someone dumped a bunch of ceiling fans | MAN: Culbreth, someone dumped a bunch of ceiling fans |
321 | 00:10:44,277 | 00:10:46,079 | in the reservoir. Go check it out. | in the reservoir. Go check it out. |
322 | 00:10:46,146 | 00:10:48,414 | Copy that. Okay, I gotta go. | Copy that. Okay, I gotta go. |
323 | 00:10:48,481 | 00:10:49,616 | See you around, Hunch. | See you around, Hunch. |
324 | 00:10:49,683 | 00:10:52,619 | Yeah, uh, good to, um‐‐ yeah, around, Heather. | Yeah, uh, good to, um‐‐ yeah, around, Heather. |
325 | 00:10:52,686 | 00:10:55,488 | (light detective music) | (light detective music) |
326 | 00:10:55,556 | 00:10:56,422 | What happened? Are we arrested? | What happened? Are we arrested? |
327 | 00:10:56,489 | 00:10:57,624 | I'm not sure what happened, | I'm not sure what happened, |
328 | 00:10:57,691 | 00:10:59,125 | but we're not arrested. | but we're not arrested. |
329 | 00:10:59,192 | 00:11:01,427 | Awesome. And look, check it out. | Awesome. And look, check it out. |
330 | 00:11:01,494 | 00:11:03,396 | ♪♪ I got a dirty magazine ♪♪ | ♪♪ I got a dirty magazine ♪♪ |
331 | 00:11:03,463 | 00:11:05,599 | Oh, no, David, no. These marina guys... | Oh, no, David, no. These marina guys... |
332 | 00:11:05,666 | 00:11:07,668 | But I didn't steal it. I've grown. | But I didn't steal it. I've grown. |
333 | 00:11:07,734 | 00:11:09,102 | ‐I paid for it. ‐Okay. | ‐I paid for it. ‐Okay. |
334 | 00:11:09,169 | 00:11:11,538 | Oh, but I did forget to pay for this beef jerky, | Oh, but I did forget to pay for this beef jerky, |
335 | 00:11:11,605 | 00:11:13,073 | so I'll be right back. | so I'll be right back. |
336 | 00:11:13,139 | 00:11:16,910 | The USS "Moustache Ride" sails again. | The USS "Moustache Ride" sails again. |
337 | 00:11:16,977 | 00:11:18,879 | That's not her name. | That's not her name. |
338 | 00:11:18,945 | 00:11:25,185 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
339 | 00:11:34,661 | 00:11:37,497 | (bright clear tones) | (bright clear tones) |