# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:06,907 00:00:08,408 (mellow music) (mellow music)
2 00:00:08,474 00:00:10,176 JOHN: Uh, I'll have a half order of toast, please. JOHN: Uh, I'll have a half order of toast, please.
3 00:00:10,243 00:00:11,945 "A half order of toast." "A half order of toast."
4 00:00:12,012 00:00:13,179 ‐Correct. ‐Sure. ‐Correct. ‐Sure.
5 00:00:13,246 00:00:14,715 ‐And I'll get you some coffee. ‐Nope. ‐And I'll get you some coffee. ‐Nope.
6 00:00:14,781 00:00:15,916 No coffee. Thank you very much. No coffee. Thank you very much.
7 00:00:15,982 00:00:17,918 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
8 00:00:17,984 00:00:19,753 Whoa, sneaking in coffee now, huh? Whoa, sneaking in coffee now, huh?
9 00:00:19,820 00:00:20,887 I know. I know.
10 00:00:20,954 00:00:22,022 We haven't had a case in two weeks, We haven't had a case in two weeks,
11 00:00:22,088 00:00:23,056 ‐and I'm totally broke. ‐I know. Me too. ‐and I'm totally broke. ‐I know. Me too.
12 00:00:23,123 00:00:24,224 ‐It's so liberating. ‐Oh, yeah. ‐It's so liberating. ‐Oh, yeah.
13 00:00:24,290 00:00:26,259 Spoken like a man who lives with his parents. Spoken like a man who lives with his parents.
14 00:00:26,326 00:00:28,028 No, no, seriously. Being broke, No, no, seriously. Being broke,
15 00:00:28,094 00:00:30,797 it makes that next paycheck all the sweeter. it makes that next paycheck all the sweeter.
16 00:00:30,864 00:00:32,533 Oh, by the way, David... (slurps) Oh, by the way, David... (slurps)
17 00:00:32,599 00:00:33,967 I can't pay you, because I'm broke. I can't pay you, because I'm broke.
18 00:00:34,034 00:00:35,135 God damn it. God damn it.
19 00:00:35,201 00:00:36,402 Yeah, I had to sell my refrigerator Yeah, I had to sell my refrigerator
20 00:00:36,469 00:00:37,871 just to buy my asthma inhaler this month. just to buy my asthma inhaler this month.
21 00:00:37,938 00:00:39,606 Wait, what? That's insane! Wait, what? That's insane!
22 00:00:39,673 00:00:42,008 What about all the ham I left in that refrigerator? What about all the ham I left in that refrigerator?
23 00:00:42,075 00:00:43,610 Well, David, your ham is warm now. Well, David, your ham is warm now.
24 00:00:43,677 00:00:44,477 Unacceptable! Unacceptable!
25 00:00:44,545 00:00:46,012 That's my fucking personal ham That's my fucking personal ham
26 00:00:46,079 00:00:47,614 for when I come over to visit you. for when I come over to visit you.
27 00:00:47,681 00:00:48,682 You need to ask him for a loan. You need to ask him for a loan.
28 00:00:48,749 00:00:49,783 No, I am not going to ask him for a loan. No, I am not going to ask him for a loan.
29 00:00:49,850 00:00:51,051 No excuses! No excuses!
30 00:00:51,117 00:00:52,318 That's where I draw the line, David. That's where I draw the line, David.
31 00:00:52,385 00:00:54,354 Here's your half order of toast. Here's your half order of toast.
32 00:00:54,420 00:00:56,623 (whispering) I brought you a lot of jelly, (whispering) I brought you a lot of jelly,
33 00:00:56,690 00:00:58,825 because I know you're struggling. because I know you're struggling.
34 00:01:04,665 00:01:05,899 (soft groan) (soft groan)
35 00:01:05,966 00:01:07,634 Okay, let's go ask him. Okay, let's go ask him.
36 00:01:07,701 00:01:10,036 TUCKER: You want a loan? (chuckles) TUCKER: You want a loan? (chuckles)
37 00:01:10,103 00:01:11,371 That's not happening. That's not happening.
38 00:01:11,437 00:01:13,039 Tucker, you need to help us out, man. Tucker, you need to help us out, man.
39 00:01:13,106 00:01:14,074 I know you have money. I know you have money.
40 00:01:14,140 00:01:15,075 You live in this big house. You live in this big house.
41 00:01:15,141 00:01:16,142 You have all this fancy shit. You have all this fancy shit.
42 00:01:16,209 00:01:17,143 Plus, your name is Tucker. Plus, your name is Tucker.
43 00:01:17,210 00:01:19,179 Do you know what N‐O spells? Do you know what N‐O spells?
44 00:01:19,245 00:01:20,313 ‐Yes. ‐TUCKER: Wrong. ‐Yes. ‐TUCKER: Wrong.
45 00:01:20,380 00:01:21,948 ‐It spells "no." ‐DAVID: Fuck my life. ‐It spells "no." ‐DAVID: Fuck my life.
46 00:01:22,015 00:01:24,117 Come on, David, he just got you with that last week. Come on, David, he just got you with that last week.
47 00:01:24,184 00:01:25,586 It's nothing personal, detectives. It's nothing personal, detectives.
48 00:01:25,652 00:01:27,754 All my cash is tied up in catering All my cash is tied up in catering
49 00:01:27,821 00:01:29,122 for my croquet tournament. for my croquet tournament.
50 00:01:29,189 00:01:30,156 Wait, whoa‐‐ croquet tournament? Wait, whoa‐‐ croquet tournament?
51 00:01:30,223 00:01:31,525 ‐When? ‐Saturday. ‐When? ‐Saturday.
52 00:01:31,592 00:01:34,394 ‐I've partnered with SCKR. ‐(John gasps) SCKR? ‐I've partnered with SCKR. ‐(John gasps) SCKR?
53 00:01:34,460 00:01:35,962 The internet seersucker suit company The internet seersucker suit company
54 00:01:36,029 00:01:37,363 that cuts out the middle man and bought their own that cuts out the middle man and bought their own
55 00:01:37,430 00:01:38,832 seersucker suit factory in Germany? seersucker suit factory in Germany?
56 00:01:38,899 00:01:40,701 Yah. I'm a brand ambassador. Yah. I'm a brand ambassador.
57 00:01:40,767 00:01:43,704 I provide SCKR with beautiful teens to play croquet. I provide SCKR with beautiful teens to play croquet.
58 00:01:43,770 00:01:45,506 ‐(gagging) ‐SCKR provides the wardrobe. ‐(gagging) ‐SCKR provides the wardrobe.
59 00:01:45,572 00:01:47,841 I blast the photos across my platforms. I blast the photos across my platforms.
60 00:01:47,908 00:01:50,210 SCKR puts up a thousand‐dollar first prize SCKR puts up a thousand‐dollar first prize
61 00:01:50,276 00:01:51,678 and a little money for my trouble. and a little money for my trouble.
62 00:01:51,745 00:01:53,847 It's all about looking good and having fun. It's all about looking good and having fun.
63 00:01:53,914 00:01:55,916 Everything you're saying sounds really dumb. Everything you're saying sounds really dumb.
64 00:01:55,982 00:01:58,284 Wait a minute, Tucker, did you say a thousand‐dollar prize? Wait a minute, Tucker, did you say a thousand‐dollar prize?
65 00:01:58,351 00:02:01,154 I did...and now I regret saying that. I did...and now I regret saying that.
66 00:02:01,221 00:02:03,524 (laughing) My problems are solved, (laughing) My problems are solved,
67 00:02:03,590 00:02:05,692 because I'm going to win that croquet tournament. because I'm going to win that croquet tournament.
68 00:02:05,759 00:02:07,661 Tucker, your fancy friends are about to become Tucker, your fancy friends are about to become
69 00:02:07,728 00:02:09,796 victims of FOBOCM. victims of FOBOCM.
70 00:02:09,863 00:02:11,231 Which is... Which is...
71 00:02:11,297 00:02:14,835 "Full‐on, balls‐out croquet murder." "Full‐on, balls‐out croquet murder."
72 00:02:14,901 00:02:17,838 (dramatic music) (dramatic music)
73 00:02:17,904 00:02:19,205 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
74 00:02:19,272 00:02:20,941 (car horn honks) (car horn honks)
75 00:02:21,007 00:02:22,275 Let's go, John! Let's go, John!
76 00:02:22,342 00:02:23,777 The sooner you win this stupid tournament, The sooner you win this stupid tournament,
77 00:02:23,844 00:02:25,311 the sooner you can buy a new fridge, and then we‐‐ the sooner you can buy a new fridge, and then we‐‐
78 00:02:25,378 00:02:27,881 ‐(laughing) Oh, my god. ‐Huh? ‐(laughing) Oh, my god. ‐Huh?
79 00:02:27,948 00:02:28,915 DAVID: What happened? DAVID: What happened?
80 00:02:28,982 00:02:30,584 I got this suit 20 years ago. I got this suit 20 years ago.
81 00:02:30,651 00:02:32,485 I've been waiting for the right moment to deploy it. I've been waiting for the right moment to deploy it.
82 00:02:32,553 00:02:35,021 Oh, my God, you deployed the shit out of that. Oh, my God, you deployed the shit out of that.
83 00:02:35,088 00:02:36,222 You look insane. You look insane.
84 00:02:36,289 00:02:37,390 Yeah, it's my secret weapon. Yeah, it's my secret weapon.
85 00:02:37,457 00:02:40,060 It is a really tight suit, It is a really tight suit,
86 00:02:40,126 00:02:43,263 and when were you gonna tell me about your robotic penis? and when were you gonna tell me about your robotic penis?
87 00:02:43,329 00:02:44,665 David, that's my inhaler. David, that's my inhaler.
88 00:02:44,731 00:02:46,399 Took me 20 minutes just to get it into the pocket. Took me 20 minutes just to get it into the pocket.
89 00:02:46,466 00:02:47,634 ‐Oh. ‐(coughs) ‐Oh. ‐(coughs)
90 00:02:47,701 00:02:49,636 I do think these pants might be a little tight. I do think these pants might be a little tight.
91 00:02:49,703 00:02:51,237 Damn, son. Damn, son.
92 00:02:51,304 00:02:53,239 Let's ride. Let's ride.
93 00:02:53,306 00:02:55,742 Uh, actually, can you put on my seat belt for me? Uh, actually, can you put on my seat belt for me?
94 00:02:55,809 00:02:57,343 I can't move my arms. I can't move my arms.
95 00:02:58,679 00:03:01,047 I can't believe you're excited about playing croquet. I can't believe you're excited about playing croquet.
96 00:03:01,114 00:03:02,816 Have you ever even played this dumb game before? Have you ever even played this dumb game before?
97 00:03:02,883 00:03:04,084 Mm, David, of course. Mm, David, of course.
98 00:03:04,150 00:03:05,952 When I was young, I played with people all over the world. When I was young, I played with people all over the world.
99 00:03:06,019 00:03:07,287 Wait. How'd you do that? Wait. How'd you do that?
100 00:03:07,353 00:03:09,389 JOHN: Croquet by mail... JOHN: Croquet by mail...
101 00:03:09,455 00:03:11,491 DAVID: (whispering) Oh, fuck. DAVID: (whispering) Oh, fuck.
102 00:03:11,558 00:03:13,426 JOHN: Allowed me to master strategy JOHN: Allowed me to master strategy
103 00:03:13,493 00:03:15,962 without the physical risks of an actual game. without the physical risks of an actual game.
104 00:03:16,029 00:03:17,764 It was a rush like no other, It was a rush like no other,
105 00:03:17,831 00:03:20,066 for the asthmatic child, at least. for the asthmatic child, at least.
106 00:03:20,634 00:03:21,902 DAVID: Croquet by mail. DAVID: Croquet by mail.
107 00:03:21,968 00:03:23,403 That is hardcore. That is hardcore.
108 00:03:23,469 00:03:27,273 When it comes to croquet, I'm fucking hardcore as shit. When it comes to croquet, I'm fucking hardcore as shit.
109 00:03:27,340 00:03:30,844 (upbeat jazzy music) (upbeat jazzy music)
110 00:03:30,911 00:03:33,780 JOHN: Well, well, well, look at these pathetic losers. JOHN: Well, well, well, look at these pathetic losers.
111 00:03:33,847 00:03:35,616 Uh, are you kidding? This is amazing. Uh, are you kidding? This is amazing.
112 00:03:35,682 00:03:36,617 ‐JOHN: What? ‐DAVID: This is like ‐JOHN: What? ‐DAVID: This is like
113 00:03:36,683 00:03:37,851 that book we read in high school that book we read in high school
114 00:03:37,918 00:03:39,686 about the guy everyone thinks is so great. about the guy everyone thinks is so great.
115 00:03:39,753 00:03:41,487 ‐Oh, really? Which book? ‐"The Greatest Guy" ‐Oh, really? Which book? ‐"The Greatest Guy"
116 00:03:41,555 00:03:43,356 by F‐This Fitzgerald or something. by F‐This Fitzgerald or something.
117 00:03:43,423 00:03:44,490 All right. I'll ignore that. All right. I'll ignore that.
118 00:03:44,558 00:03:45,959 Listen up, everyone. Listen up, everyone.
119 00:03:46,026 00:03:48,228 My name is John Hunchman. My name is John Hunchman.
120 00:03:48,294 00:03:51,164 I came here to smash balls and make money, I came here to smash balls and make money,
121 00:03:51,231 00:03:53,900 and I'm all out of money. and I'm all out of money.
122 00:03:53,967 00:03:55,536 (laughs) Nice outfit. (laughs) Nice outfit.
123 00:03:55,602 00:03:58,972 He looks like a gummy bear going to Sunday school. He looks like a gummy bear going to Sunday school.
124 00:03:59,039 00:04:01,575 He looks like if Mark Twain lived in a basement He looks like if Mark Twain lived in a basement
125 00:04:01,642 00:04:03,276 with a freezer full of human heads. with a freezer full of human heads.
126 00:04:03,343 00:04:05,245 ‐Brutal. ‐Okay, I can hear you. ‐Brutal. ‐Okay, I can hear you.
127 00:04:05,311 00:04:08,248 He looks like if a riverboat captain He looks like if a riverboat captain
128 00:04:08,314 00:04:11,351 and a Double Stuf Oreo had a baby. and a Double Stuf Oreo had a baby.
129 00:04:11,417 00:04:12,385 ‐Ooh. ‐Keep it coming. ‐Ooh. ‐Keep it coming.
130 00:04:12,452 00:04:13,754 Every insult makes me stronger. Every insult makes me stronger.
131 00:04:13,820 00:04:16,189 Looking like "Brideshead Regurgitated." Looking like "Brideshead Regurgitated."
132 00:04:16,256 00:04:17,223 (snorts) Oh, my God. (snorts) Oh, my God.
133 00:04:17,290 00:04:18,358 All right. You know what? All right. You know what?
134 00:04:18,424 00:04:19,693 That's‐‐that's actually a good reference. That's‐‐that's actually a good reference.
135 00:04:19,760 00:04:21,394 He looks like a bag of mustaches He looks like a bag of mustaches
136 00:04:21,461 00:04:23,463 trying to sneak into the Kentucky Derby. trying to sneak into the Kentucky Derby.
137 00:04:23,530 00:04:25,198 ‐(laughing) ‐Okay. ‐(laughing) ‐Okay.
138 00:04:25,265 00:04:26,667 Enough meaningless nonsense. Enough meaningless nonsense.
139 00:04:26,733 00:04:28,201 Let's play croquet. Where's Tucker? Let's play croquet. Where's Tucker?
140 00:04:28,268 00:04:30,671 Rise and grind, bitches. Rise and grind, bitches.
141 00:04:30,737 00:04:31,872 BOTH: Wow. BOTH: Wow.
142 00:04:31,938 00:04:34,474 JOHN: SCKR really does send quality seersucker suits JOHN: SCKR really does send quality seersucker suits
143 00:04:34,541 00:04:35,709 straight to your door. straight to your door.
144 00:04:35,776 00:04:40,113 Remember, no matter who wins or loses, Remember, no matter who wins or loses,
145 00:04:40,180 00:04:44,350 this is all about looking good and having fun. this is all about looking good and having fun.
146 00:04:44,417 00:04:46,386 Right, but there's still a thousand‐dollar prize. Right, but there's still a thousand‐dollar prize.
147 00:04:46,452 00:04:47,487 ‐Correct? ‐(sighs) ‐Correct? ‐(sighs)
148 00:04:47,554 00:04:48,955 That's correct. That's correct.
149 00:04:49,022 00:04:50,490 Now, everyone remember, Now, everyone remember,
150 00:04:50,557 00:04:53,560 the official hashtag is #sucklife. the official hashtag is #sucklife.
151 00:04:53,627 00:04:55,896 And that's paid out immediately, the prize? And that's paid out immediately, the prize?
152 00:04:55,962 00:04:56,963 Sure. Sure.
153 00:04:57,030 00:04:58,064 And you should promote that And you should promote that
154 00:04:58,131 00:04:59,299 across all your‐‐ across all your‐‐
155 00:04:59,365 00:05:01,401 ‐In cash? ‐Cash, check, Bitcoin. ‐In cash? ‐Cash, check, Bitcoin.
156 00:05:01,467 00:05:04,004 Whatever, but you gotta win first. Whatever, but you gotta win first.
157 00:05:04,070 00:05:05,872 ‐Okay. Got it covered. ‐All right, champ. ‐Okay. Got it covered. ‐All right, champ.
158 00:05:05,939 00:05:07,240 Good luck. You call me when it's over. Good luck. You call me when it's over.
159 00:05:07,307 00:05:08,542 We'll hit the Fridge Pit. We'll hit the Fridge Pit.
160 00:05:08,609 00:05:09,876 We'll get you a fresh, shiny fridge. We'll get you a fresh, shiny fridge.
161 00:05:09,943 00:05:11,344 ANNOUNCER: Fridge Pit! ANNOUNCER: Fridge Pit!
162 00:05:11,411 00:05:12,579 Whoa, whoa, David, you can't leave. Whoa, whoa, David, you can't leave.
163 00:05:12,646 00:05:13,914 (sputters) Croquet's lame. (sputters) Croquet's lame.
164 00:05:13,980 00:05:15,882 I'm gonna go read magazines at the gas station. I'm gonna go read magazines at the gas station.
165 00:05:15,949 00:05:17,884 No, no, it's‐‐it's‐‐ it's two‐person teams, David. No, no, it's‐‐it's‐‐ it's two‐person teams, David.
166 00:05:17,951 00:05:20,020 ‐I‐‐I need you. ‐DAVID: Ugh. Really? ‐I‐‐I need you. ‐DAVID: Ugh. Really?
167 00:05:20,086 00:05:21,555 ‐You need me? ‐Uh‐‐ ‐You need me? ‐Uh‐‐
168 00:05:21,622 00:05:23,123 Do it for the ham. Do it for the ham.
169 00:05:23,189 00:05:24,390 ‐Fine. ‐Yes! ‐Fine. ‐Yes!
170 00:05:24,457 00:05:26,459 Okay, but if this isn't fun, I'm gonna be pissed. Okay, but if this isn't fun, I'm gonna be pissed.
171 00:05:26,527 00:05:28,228 Put us on the board, Tucker! Put us on the board, Tucker!
172 00:05:28,294 00:05:29,696 Fine. What's your team name? Fine. What's your team name?
173 00:05:29,763 00:05:32,566 Uh, how 'bout "Best Buddies Ball Bonkers LLC"‐‐ Uh, how 'bout "Best Buddies Ball Bonkers LLC"‐‐
174 00:05:32,633 00:05:35,468 ‐Weak... ‐Oh, my God. ‐Weak... ‐Oh, my God.
175 00:05:35,536 00:05:37,504 Our team name is Our team name is
176 00:05:37,571 00:05:40,373 "Your Face Is My Slaughterhouse." "Your Face Is My Slaughterhouse."
177 00:05:41,407 00:05:44,410 Oh...kay. Oh...kay.
178 00:05:45,311 00:05:46,379 MAN: Round one! MAN: Round one!
179 00:05:46,446 00:05:48,682 (rock music) (rock music)
180 00:05:48,749 00:05:49,415 Boom! Boom!
181 00:05:49,482 00:05:50,517 We win. We win.
182 00:05:50,584 00:05:52,185 In your face, Toby! In your face, Toby!
183 00:05:52,252 00:05:53,453 All right, chill out, man. All right, chill out, man.
184 00:05:53,520 00:05:55,722 ‐It's just a game. ‐"Just a game." ‐It's just a game. ‐"Just a game."
185 00:05:55,789 00:05:57,758 The catchphrase of losers. The catchphrase of losers.
186 00:05:57,824 00:05:59,359 Who's next? How 'bout you two? Who's next? How 'bout you two?
187 00:05:59,425 00:06:00,561 Who, us? Who, us?
188 00:06:00,627 00:06:02,328 We won the tournament last year. We won the tournament last year.
189 00:06:02,395 00:06:03,296 We get a buy. We get a buy.
190 00:06:03,363 00:06:06,132 Oh, well, wowee. Oh, well, wowee.
191 00:06:06,199 00:06:07,367 What's up with him? What's up with him?
192 00:06:07,433 00:06:09,435 This is supposed to be about looking good and having fun. This is supposed to be about looking good and having fun.
193 00:06:09,503 00:06:10,671 Dude, I don't know. Dude, I don't know.
194 00:06:10,737 00:06:12,038 ‐I've never seen him like this. ‐Come on. ‐I've never seen him like this. ‐Come on.
195 00:06:12,105 00:06:12,873 Come on. You want some? Come on. You want some?
196 00:06:12,939 00:06:14,541 You want some, right? Come on. You want some, right? Come on.
197 00:06:14,608 00:06:16,076 Which one of you is gonna take a piece of this? Which one of you is gonna take a piece of this?
198 00:06:16,142 00:06:20,313 He looks like a toll booth having a panic attack. He looks like a toll booth having a panic attack.
199 00:06:20,380 00:06:22,282 MAN: Round two! MAN: Round two!
200 00:06:22,348 00:06:24,150 Come on, Britney! Come on, Britney!
201 00:06:24,217 00:06:25,552 You got this, Brit! You got this, Brit!
202 00:06:25,619 00:06:28,121 (camera shutter snapping) (camera shutter snapping)
203 00:06:28,188 00:06:29,322 (coughs) Missed the ball. (coughs) Missed the ball.
204 00:06:29,389 00:06:31,057 ‐(coughing) ‐Oh, shoot. ‐(coughing) ‐Oh, shoot.
205 00:06:31,124 00:06:32,225 My turn. My turn.
206 00:06:32,292 00:06:33,560 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
207 00:06:33,627 00:06:35,529 ‐Aw, man. ‐Lesson here, Britney: ‐Aw, man. ‐Lesson here, Britney:
208 00:06:35,596 00:06:38,198 you come at the king, you best not miss. you come at the king, you best not miss.
209 00:06:38,264 00:06:39,232 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
210 00:06:39,299 00:06:40,400 JOHN: Ha! JOHN: Ha!
211 00:06:40,466 00:06:41,868 Why are you being such a little bitch? Why are you being such a little bitch?
212 00:06:41,935 00:06:43,570 (blabbering) (blabbering)
213 00:06:43,637 00:06:45,338 This is a croquet tournament, okay? This is a croquet tournament, okay?
214 00:06:45,405 00:06:46,740 It's not a cuddle puddle. It's not a cuddle puddle.
215 00:06:47,473 00:06:48,408 ‐Dude. ‐What? ‐Dude. ‐What?
216 00:06:48,474 00:06:49,510 You're acting insane. You're acting insane.
217 00:06:49,576 00:06:50,644 This is supposed to be fun. This is supposed to be fun.
218 00:06:50,711 00:06:54,815 I literally can't afford to have fun, okay? I literally can't afford to have fun, okay?
219 00:06:54,881 00:06:56,583 Now get out of my way. You're blocking my shot. Now get out of my way. You're blocking my shot.
220 00:06:56,650 00:07:02,789 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
221 00:07:02,856 00:07:05,325 Mm...mm. Mm...mm.
222 00:07:05,391 00:07:06,827 Yes! Yes!
223 00:07:06,893 00:07:08,595 ALL: Boo! ALL: Boo!
224 00:07:08,662 00:07:11,397 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
225 00:07:11,464 00:07:13,299 MAN: Round three! MAN: Round three!
226 00:07:13,366 00:07:14,434 (sighs) Stupid game. (sighs) Stupid game.
227 00:07:14,501 00:07:15,401 Whoa, David, what are you doing? Whoa, David, what are you doing?
228 00:07:15,468 00:07:16,537 ‐What? ‐Not the red ball. ‐What? ‐Not the red ball.
229 00:07:16,603 00:07:17,604 Green ball's a cleaner shot. Green ball's a cleaner shot.
230 00:07:17,671 00:07:18,705 The green ball's too far away. The green ball's too far away.
231 00:07:18,772 00:07:19,773 No, it's not. It's perfect. No, it's not. It's perfect.
232 00:07:19,840 00:07:21,742 Listen. Do you need me or not? Listen. Do you need me or not?
233 00:07:21,808 00:07:23,577 ‐(groans) ‐Let me play my game. ‐(groans) ‐Let me play my game.
234 00:07:23,644 00:07:25,245 ‐Fine. ‐Step back two steps. ‐Fine. ‐Step back two steps.
235 00:07:25,311 00:07:26,446 Goddamn. Goddamn.
236 00:07:26,513 00:07:27,948 Breathing down my neck over here. Breathing down my neck over here.
237 00:07:29,282 00:07:30,283 Shit. Shit.
238 00:07:30,350 00:07:31,852 Oh, god damn it, David! Oh, god damn it, David!
239 00:07:31,918 00:07:32,653 Whatever! Whatever!
240 00:07:32,719 00:07:33,787 I told you, David. I told you, David.
241 00:07:33,854 00:07:34,888 Now I have to clean up your mess. Now I have to clean up your mess.
242 00:07:34,955 00:07:36,990 Oh, okay, fine. I'm sorry. Oh, okay, fine. I'm sorry.
243 00:07:37,057 00:07:39,225 I'm so sorry I messed up your master plan. I'm so sorry I messed up your master plan.
244 00:07:39,292 00:07:40,193 I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink.
245 00:07:40,260 00:07:41,862 You're mine now. You're mine now.
246 00:07:43,496 00:07:44,765 ‐Ah! Ouch! ‐Shit! ‐Ah! Ouch! ‐Shit!
247 00:07:44,831 00:07:46,833 Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Finger cramp. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Finger cramp.
248 00:07:46,900 00:07:48,735 ‐ALL: Boo! ‐What was that? ‐ALL: Boo! ‐What was that?
249 00:07:48,802 00:07:50,871 Oh, I guess it's a false alarm. Oh, I guess it's a false alarm.
250 00:07:50,937 00:07:54,274 Tucker, the weird, fat, old man isn't playing fair. Tucker, the weird, fat, old man isn't playing fair.
251 00:07:54,340 00:07:56,176 Reign it in, Detective. Reign it in, Detective.
252 00:07:56,242 00:08:00,647 We're trying to document a fun seersucker lifestyle. We're trying to document a fun seersucker lifestyle.
253 00:08:00,714 00:08:03,049 Not your menopausal breakdown. Not your menopausal breakdown.
254 00:08:03,116 00:08:05,652 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get the prize money ready. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get the prize money ready.
255 00:08:05,719 00:08:07,854 MAN: Match point! MAN: Match point!
256 00:08:07,921 00:08:10,657 It all comes down to this. It all comes down to this.
257 00:08:10,724 00:08:12,726 The final wicket. The final wicket.
258 00:08:12,793 00:08:16,462 This is why we love croquet. This is why we love croquet.
259 00:08:16,530 00:08:19,900 Who's looking good and having fun? Who's looking good and having fun?
260 00:08:19,966 00:08:20,901 ‐(all cheering) ‐Oh, Jesus. ‐(all cheering) ‐Oh, Jesus.
261 00:08:20,967 00:08:22,435 Enough about looking good. Enough about looking good.
262 00:08:22,503 00:08:24,638 (camera shutter snapping) (camera shutter snapping)
263 00:08:24,705 00:08:26,573 Out of my way, "Grey Gardens." Out of my way, "Grey Gardens."
264 00:08:26,640 00:08:30,511 (grunting) Asthma attack! (grunting) Asthma attack!
265 00:08:30,577 00:08:32,613 Tucker, this weird, old man Tucker, this weird, old man
266 00:08:32,679 00:08:34,480 is doing another fake medical emergency. is doing another fake medical emergency.
267 00:08:34,548 00:08:35,949 Oh, shit. No, no. Oh, shit. No, no.
268 00:08:36,016 00:08:37,718 He's having an asthma attack. He's‐‐it's real. He's having an asthma attack. He's‐‐it's real.
269 00:08:37,784 00:08:38,785 Where's your inhaler? Where's your inhaler?
270 00:08:38,852 00:08:39,786 Can't get it out of my pocket. Can't get it out of my pocket.
271 00:08:39,853 00:08:41,722 Damn, these pants are so tight. Damn, these pants are so tight.
272 00:08:41,788 00:08:43,323 Does anyone have an inhaler? Does anyone have an inhaler?
273 00:08:43,389 00:08:44,591 Anyone? Anyone?
274 00:08:44,658 00:08:45,792 I know he's been a dick all afternoon. I know he's been a dick all afternoon.
275 00:08:45,859 00:08:46,927 Doesn't mean he should die. Doesn't mean he should die.
276 00:08:46,993 00:08:48,695 Fine. Here you go. Fine. Here you go.
277 00:08:48,762 00:08:50,897 ‐Thank you. ‐(gasping) ‐Thank you. ‐(gasping)
278 00:08:50,964 00:08:52,599 This inhaler... (wheezes) This inhaler... (wheezes)
279 00:08:52,666 00:08:54,034 It's beautiful. It's beautiful.
280 00:08:54,100 00:08:55,536 Come on, Colonel. Come on, Colonel.
281 00:08:55,602 00:08:57,470 Suck life! Suck life!
282 00:08:57,538 00:09:01,374 Suck life. Suck life. Suck life. Suck life.
283 00:09:01,441 00:09:04,578 ALL: Suck life! Suck life! ALL: Suck life! Suck life!
284 00:09:04,645 00:09:05,879 Suck life! Suck life!
285 00:09:05,946 00:09:07,914 This is not what I planned, This is not what I planned,
286 00:09:07,981 00:09:11,985 but thank you for this incredible spectacle. but thank you for this incredible spectacle.
287 00:09:12,052 00:09:14,487 ALL: Suck life! Suck life! ALL: Suck life! Suck life!
288 00:09:14,555 00:09:17,924 Now there, and zoom... and match. Now there, and zoom... and match.
289 00:09:17,991 00:09:19,392 See? I definitely would've won that on paper. See? I definitely would've won that on paper.
290 00:09:19,459 00:09:20,894 You know what? You know what?
291 00:09:20,961 00:09:22,362 No one gives a shit about what happens on a piece of paper. No one gives a shit about what happens on a piece of paper.
292 00:09:22,428 00:09:23,429 What‐‐what is your problem? What‐‐what is your problem?
293 00:09:23,496 00:09:24,998 Dude, are you not even gonna thank me? Dude, are you not even gonna thank me?
294 00:09:25,065 00:09:26,533 For helping me lose the match? For helping me lose the match?
295 00:09:26,600 00:09:28,569 For saving your life, asshole. For saving your life, asshole.
296 00:09:28,635 00:09:30,303 Technically, the inhaler saved my life. Technically, the inhaler saved my life.
297 00:09:30,370 00:09:32,873 Admit it; you literally cannot live without me, Admit it; you literally cannot live without me,
298 00:09:32,939 00:09:34,708 because real life is not on paper. because real life is not on paper.
299 00:09:34,775 00:09:36,409 Will you stop waving that ham in my face? Will you stop waving that ham in my face?
300 00:09:36,476 00:09:38,311 John, this is the talking ham. John, this is the talking ham.
301 00:09:38,378 00:09:39,846 Whoever holds the ham can talk. Whoever holds the ham can talk.
302 00:09:39,913 00:09:41,648 Now, you listen to me, damn it. Now, you listen to me, damn it.
303 00:09:41,715 00:09:42,649 ‐(phone chimes) ‐Whoa. ‐(phone chimes) ‐Whoa.
304 00:09:42,716 00:09:43,750 ‐What? ‐Tucker. ‐What? ‐Tucker.
305 00:09:43,817 00:09:45,786 He just sent me $500. He just sent me $500.
306 00:09:45,852 00:09:47,588 According to him, it turns out, According to him, it turns out,
307 00:09:47,654 00:09:49,790 "Young people playing lawn games..." "Young people playing lawn games..."
308 00:09:49,856 00:09:50,724 JOHN AND TUCKER: With a belligerent, JOHN AND TUCKER: With a belligerent,
309 00:09:50,791 00:09:52,626 lonely, old man... lonely, old man...
310 00:09:52,693 00:09:55,629 TUCKER: Speaks to millennials' yearning for weird dads TUCKER: Speaks to millennials' yearning for weird dads
311 00:09:55,696 00:09:57,964 who aren't their actual dads. who aren't their actual dads.
312 00:09:58,031 00:09:59,700 Good work, Detective. Good work, Detective.
313 00:09:59,766 00:10:01,568 Huh. I'm a brand ambassador. Huh. I'm a brand ambassador.
314 00:10:01,635 00:10:03,303 Goddamn, you're selfish. Goddamn, you're selfish.
315 00:10:03,369 00:10:04,605 We're both brand ambassadors. We're both brand ambassadors.
316 00:10:04,671 00:10:06,472 ‐(phone chimes) ‐Oh. ‐(phone chimes) ‐Oh.
317 00:10:06,540 00:10:09,375 Uh, did you just order me five honey‐baked hams? Uh, did you just order me five honey‐baked hams?
318 00:10:09,442 00:10:12,478 Well, I don't want you to die from eating that rotten ham, Well, I don't want you to die from eating that rotten ham,
319 00:10:12,546 00:10:14,414 and you have a point. and you have a point.
320 00:10:14,480 00:10:15,516 Here we go. Here we go.
321 00:10:15,582 00:10:16,817 I couldn't have lost without you. I couldn't have lost without you.
322 00:10:16,883 00:10:17,851 ‐Uh‐huh. ‐All right? ‐Uh‐huh. ‐All right?
323 00:10:17,918 00:10:19,686 Okay, apology accepted, Okay, apology accepted,
324 00:10:19,753 00:10:22,723 if what you're saying is you need me. if what you're saying is you need me.
325 00:10:22,789 00:10:23,890 ‐I need‐‐ ‐Just say it, man. ‐I need‐‐ ‐Just say it, man.
326 00:10:23,957 00:10:24,991 Just say it. Why's it gotta be so hard? Just say it. Why's it gotta be so hard?
327 00:10:25,058 00:10:26,226 Don't even think about it. Just say it. Don't even think about it. Just say it.
328 00:10:26,292 00:10:29,362 You need... You need...
329 00:10:29,429 00:10:32,198 Need...a new refrigerator. Need...a new refrigerator.
330 00:10:32,265 00:10:34,300 So I can stuff all this hot honeyed ham in it. So I can stuff all this hot honeyed ham in it.
331 00:10:34,367 00:10:35,468 Ugh, vomit. Ugh, vomit.
332 00:10:35,536 00:10:37,771 ‐My hot honeyed ham, homey. ‐Disgusting. Yeah. ‐My hot honeyed ham, homey. ‐Disgusting. Yeah.
333 00:10:37,838 00:10:39,606 ‐Euphemism taken. ‐Take it. ‐Euphemism taken. ‐Take it.
334 00:10:39,673 00:10:41,174 Take all that euphemism. Take all that euphemism.