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# | Start | End | Original | Translated |
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1 | 00:00:06,907 | 00:00:08,408 | (mellow music) | (mellow music) |
2 | 00:00:08,474 | 00:00:10,176 | JOHN: Uh, I'll have a half order of toast, please. | JOHN: Uh, I'll have a half order of toast, please. |
3 | 00:00:10,243 | 00:00:11,945 | "A half order of toast." | "A half order of toast." |
4 | 00:00:12,012 | 00:00:13,179 | ‐Correct. ‐Sure. | ‐Correct. ‐Sure. |
5 | 00:00:13,246 | 00:00:14,715 | ‐And I'll get you some coffee. ‐Nope. | ‐And I'll get you some coffee. ‐Nope. |
6 | 00:00:14,781 | 00:00:15,916 | No coffee. Thank you very much. | No coffee. Thank you very much. |
7 | 00:00:15,982 | 00:00:17,918 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
8 | 00:00:17,984 | 00:00:19,753 | Whoa, sneaking in coffee now, huh? | Whoa, sneaking in coffee now, huh? |
9 | 00:00:19,820 | 00:00:20,887 | I know. | I know. |
10 | 00:00:20,954 | 00:00:22,022 | We haven't had a case in two weeks, | We haven't had a case in two weeks, |
11 | 00:00:22,088 | 00:00:23,056 | ‐and I'm totally broke. ‐I know. Me too. | ‐and I'm totally broke. ‐I know. Me too. |
12 | 00:00:23,123 | 00:00:24,224 | ‐It's so liberating. ‐Oh, yeah. | ‐It's so liberating. ‐Oh, yeah. |
13 | 00:00:24,290 | 00:00:26,259 | Spoken like a man who lives with his parents. | Spoken like a man who lives with his parents. |
14 | 00:00:26,326 | 00:00:28,028 | No, no, seriously. Being broke, | No, no, seriously. Being broke, |
15 | 00:00:28,094 | 00:00:30,797 | it makes that next paycheck all the sweeter. | it makes that next paycheck all the sweeter. |
16 | 00:00:30,864 | 00:00:32,533 | Oh, by the way, David... (slurps) | Oh, by the way, David... (slurps) |
17 | 00:00:32,599 | 00:00:33,967 | I can't pay you, because I'm broke. | I can't pay you, because I'm broke. |
18 | 00:00:34,034 | 00:00:35,135 | God damn it. | God damn it. |
19 | 00:00:35,201 | 00:00:36,402 | Yeah, I had to sell my refrigerator | Yeah, I had to sell my refrigerator |
20 | 00:00:36,469 | 00:00:37,871 | just to buy my asthma inhaler this month. | just to buy my asthma inhaler this month. |
21 | 00:00:37,938 | 00:00:39,606 | Wait, what? That's insane! | Wait, what? That's insane! |
22 | 00:00:39,673 | 00:00:42,008 | What about all the ham I left in that refrigerator? | What about all the ham I left in that refrigerator? |
23 | 00:00:42,075 | 00:00:43,610 | Well, David, your ham is warm now. | Well, David, your ham is warm now. |
24 | 00:00:43,677 | 00:00:44,477 | Unacceptable! | Unacceptable! |
25 | 00:00:44,545 | 00:00:46,012 | That's my fucking personal ham | That's my fucking personal ham |
26 | 00:00:46,079 | 00:00:47,614 | for when I come over to visit you. | for when I come over to visit you. |
27 | 00:00:47,681 | 00:00:48,682 | You need to ask him for a loan. | You need to ask him for a loan. |
28 | 00:00:48,749 | 00:00:49,783 | No, I am not going to ask him for a loan. | No, I am not going to ask him for a loan. |
29 | 00:00:49,850 | 00:00:51,051 | No excuses! | No excuses! |
30 | 00:00:51,117 | 00:00:52,318 | That's where I draw the line, David. | That's where I draw the line, David. |
31 | 00:00:52,385 | 00:00:54,354 | Here's your half order of toast. | Here's your half order of toast. |
32 | 00:00:54,420 | 00:00:56,623 | (whispering) I brought you a lot of jelly, | (whispering) I brought you a lot of jelly, |
33 | 00:00:56,690 | 00:00:58,825 | because I know you're struggling. | because I know you're struggling. |
34 | 00:01:04,665 | 00:01:05,899 | (soft groan) | (soft groan) |
35 | 00:01:05,966 | 00:01:07,634 | Okay, let's go ask him. | Okay, let's go ask him. |
36 | 00:01:07,701 | 00:01:10,036 | TUCKER: You want a loan? (chuckles) | TUCKER: You want a loan? (chuckles) |
37 | 00:01:10,103 | 00:01:11,371 | That's not happening. | That's not happening. |
38 | 00:01:11,437 | 00:01:13,039 | Tucker, you need to help us out, man. | Tucker, you need to help us out, man. |
39 | 00:01:13,106 | 00:01:14,074 | I know you have money. | I know you have money. |
40 | 00:01:14,140 | 00:01:15,075 | You live in this big house. | You live in this big house. |
41 | 00:01:15,141 | 00:01:16,142 | You have all this fancy shit. | You have all this fancy shit. |
42 | 00:01:16,209 | 00:01:17,143 | Plus, your name is Tucker. | Plus, your name is Tucker. |
43 | 00:01:17,210 | 00:01:19,179 | Do you know what N‐O spells? | Do you know what N‐O spells? |
44 | 00:01:19,245 | 00:01:20,313 | ‐Yes. ‐TUCKER: Wrong. | ‐Yes. ‐TUCKER: Wrong. |
45 | 00:01:20,380 | 00:01:21,948 | ‐It spells "no." ‐DAVID: Fuck my life. | ‐It spells "no." ‐DAVID: Fuck my life. |
46 | 00:01:22,015 | 00:01:24,117 | Come on, David, he just got you with that last week. | Come on, David, he just got you with that last week. |
47 | 00:01:24,184 | 00:01:25,586 | It's nothing personal, detectives. | It's nothing personal, detectives. |
48 | 00:01:25,652 | 00:01:27,754 | All my cash is tied up in catering | All my cash is tied up in catering |
49 | 00:01:27,821 | 00:01:29,122 | for my croquet tournament. | for my croquet tournament. |
50 | 00:01:29,189 | 00:01:30,156 | Wait, whoa‐‐ croquet tournament? | Wait, whoa‐‐ croquet tournament? |
51 | 00:01:30,223 | 00:01:31,525 | ‐When? ‐Saturday. | ‐When? ‐Saturday. |
52 | 00:01:31,592 | 00:01:34,394 | ‐I've partnered with SCKR. ‐(John gasps) SCKR? | ‐I've partnered with SCKR. ‐(John gasps) SCKR? |
53 | 00:01:34,460 | 00:01:35,962 | The internet seersucker suit company | The internet seersucker suit company |
54 | 00:01:36,029 | 00:01:37,363 | that cuts out the middle man and bought their own | that cuts out the middle man and bought their own |
55 | 00:01:37,430 | 00:01:38,832 | seersucker suit factory in Germany? | seersucker suit factory in Germany? |
56 | 00:01:38,899 | 00:01:40,701 | Yah. I'm a brand ambassador. | Yah. I'm a brand ambassador. |
57 | 00:01:40,767 | 00:01:43,704 | I provide SCKR with beautiful teens to play croquet. | I provide SCKR with beautiful teens to play croquet. |
58 | 00:01:43,770 | 00:01:45,506 | ‐(gagging) ‐SCKR provides the wardrobe. | ‐(gagging) ‐SCKR provides the wardrobe. |
59 | 00:01:45,572 | 00:01:47,841 | I blast the photos across my platforms. | I blast the photos across my platforms. |
60 | 00:01:47,908 | 00:01:50,210 | SCKR puts up a thousand‐dollar first prize | SCKR puts up a thousand‐dollar first prize |
61 | 00:01:50,276 | 00:01:51,678 | and a little money for my trouble. | and a little money for my trouble. |
62 | 00:01:51,745 | 00:01:53,847 | It's all about looking good and having fun. | It's all about looking good and having fun. |
63 | 00:01:53,914 | 00:01:55,916 | Everything you're saying sounds really dumb. | Everything you're saying sounds really dumb. |
64 | 00:01:55,982 | 00:01:58,284 | Wait a minute, Tucker, did you say a thousand‐dollar prize? | Wait a minute, Tucker, did you say a thousand‐dollar prize? |
65 | 00:01:58,351 | 00:02:01,154 | I did...and now I regret saying that. | I did...and now I regret saying that. |
66 | 00:02:01,221 | 00:02:03,524 | (laughing) My problems are solved, | (laughing) My problems are solved, |
67 | 00:02:03,590 | 00:02:05,692 | because I'm going to win that croquet tournament. | because I'm going to win that croquet tournament. |
68 | 00:02:05,759 | 00:02:07,661 | Tucker, your fancy friends are about to become | Tucker, your fancy friends are about to become |
69 | 00:02:07,728 | 00:02:09,796 | victims of FOBOCM. | victims of FOBOCM. |
70 | 00:02:09,863 | 00:02:11,231 | Which is... | Which is... |
71 | 00:02:11,297 | 00:02:14,835 | "Full‐on, balls‐out croquet murder." | "Full‐on, balls‐out croquet murder." |
72 | 00:02:14,901 | 00:02:17,838 | (dramatic music) | (dramatic music) |
73 | 00:02:17,904 | 00:02:19,205 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
74 | 00:02:19,272 | 00:02:20,941 | (car horn honks) | (car horn honks) |
75 | 00:02:21,007 | 00:02:22,275 | Let's go, John! | Let's go, John! |
76 | 00:02:22,342 | 00:02:23,777 | The sooner you win this stupid tournament, | The sooner you win this stupid tournament, |
77 | 00:02:23,844 | 00:02:25,311 | the sooner you can buy a new fridge, and then we‐‐ | the sooner you can buy a new fridge, and then we‐‐ |
78 | 00:02:25,378 | 00:02:27,881 | ‐(laughing) Oh, my god. ‐Huh? | ‐(laughing) Oh, my god. ‐Huh? |
79 | 00:02:27,948 | 00:02:28,915 | DAVID: What happened? | DAVID: What happened? |
80 | 00:02:28,982 | 00:02:30,584 | I got this suit 20 years ago. | I got this suit 20 years ago. |
81 | 00:02:30,651 | 00:02:32,485 | I've been waiting for the right moment to deploy it. | I've been waiting for the right moment to deploy it. |
82 | 00:02:32,553 | 00:02:35,021 | Oh, my God, you deployed the shit out of that. | Oh, my God, you deployed the shit out of that. |
83 | 00:02:35,088 | 00:02:36,222 | You look insane. | You look insane. |
84 | 00:02:36,289 | 00:02:37,390 | Yeah, it's my secret weapon. | Yeah, it's my secret weapon. |
85 | 00:02:37,457 | 00:02:40,060 | It is a really tight suit, | It is a really tight suit, |
86 | 00:02:40,126 | 00:02:43,263 | and when were you gonna tell me about your robotic penis? | and when were you gonna tell me about your robotic penis? |
87 | 00:02:43,329 | 00:02:44,665 | David, that's my inhaler. | David, that's my inhaler. |
88 | 00:02:44,731 | 00:02:46,399 | Took me 20 minutes just to get it into the pocket. | Took me 20 minutes just to get it into the pocket. |
89 | 00:02:46,466 | 00:02:47,634 | ‐Oh. ‐(coughs) | ‐Oh. ‐(coughs) |
90 | 00:02:47,701 | 00:02:49,636 | I do think these pants might be a little tight. | I do think these pants might be a little tight. |
91 | 00:02:49,703 | 00:02:51,237 | Damn, son. | Damn, son. |
92 | 00:02:51,304 | 00:02:53,239 | Let's ride. | Let's ride. |
93 | 00:02:53,306 | 00:02:55,742 | Uh, actually, can you put on my seat belt for me? | Uh, actually, can you put on my seat belt for me? |
94 | 00:02:55,809 | 00:02:57,343 | I can't move my arms. | I can't move my arms. |
95 | 00:02:58,679 | 00:03:01,047 | I can't believe you're excited about playing croquet. | I can't believe you're excited about playing croquet. |
96 | 00:03:01,114 | 00:03:02,816 | Have you ever even played this dumb game before? | Have you ever even played this dumb game before? |
97 | 00:03:02,883 | 00:03:04,084 | Mm, David, of course. | Mm, David, of course. |
98 | 00:03:04,150 | 00:03:05,952 | When I was young, I played with people all over the world. | When I was young, I played with people all over the world. |
99 | 00:03:06,019 | 00:03:07,287 | Wait. How'd you do that? | Wait. How'd you do that? |
100 | 00:03:07,353 | 00:03:09,389 | JOHN: Croquet by mail... | JOHN: Croquet by mail... |
101 | 00:03:09,455 | 00:03:11,491 | DAVID: (whispering) Oh, fuck. | DAVID: (whispering) Oh, fuck. |
102 | 00:03:11,558 | 00:03:13,426 | JOHN: Allowed me to master strategy | JOHN: Allowed me to master strategy |
103 | 00:03:13,493 | 00:03:15,962 | without the physical risks of an actual game. | without the physical risks of an actual game. |
104 | 00:03:16,029 | 00:03:17,764 | It was a rush like no other, | It was a rush like no other, |
105 | 00:03:17,831 | 00:03:20,066 | for the asthmatic child, at least. | for the asthmatic child, at least. |
106 | 00:03:20,634 | 00:03:21,902 | DAVID: Croquet by mail. | DAVID: Croquet by mail. |
107 | 00:03:21,968 | 00:03:23,403 | That is hardcore. | That is hardcore. |
108 | 00:03:23,469 | 00:03:27,273 | When it comes to croquet, I'm fucking hardcore as shit. | When it comes to croquet, I'm fucking hardcore as shit. |
109 | 00:03:27,340 | 00:03:30,844 | (upbeat jazzy music) | (upbeat jazzy music) |
110 | 00:03:30,911 | 00:03:33,780 | JOHN: Well, well, well, look at these pathetic losers. | JOHN: Well, well, well, look at these pathetic losers. |
111 | 00:03:33,847 | 00:03:35,616 | Uh, are you kidding? This is amazing. | Uh, are you kidding? This is amazing. |
112 | 00:03:35,682 | 00:03:36,617 | ‐JOHN: What? ‐DAVID: This is like | ‐JOHN: What? ‐DAVID: This is like |
113 | 00:03:36,683 | 00:03:37,851 | that book we read in high school | that book we read in high school |
114 | 00:03:37,918 | 00:03:39,686 | about the guy everyone thinks is so great. | about the guy everyone thinks is so great. |
115 | 00:03:39,753 | 00:03:41,487 | ‐Oh, really? Which book? ‐"The Greatest Guy" | ‐Oh, really? Which book? ‐"The Greatest Guy" |
116 | 00:03:41,555 | 00:03:43,356 | by F‐This Fitzgerald or something. | by F‐This Fitzgerald or something. |
117 | 00:03:43,423 | 00:03:44,490 | All right. I'll ignore that. | All right. I'll ignore that. |
118 | 00:03:44,558 | 00:03:45,959 | Listen up, everyone. | Listen up, everyone. |
119 | 00:03:46,026 | 00:03:48,228 | My name is John Hunchman. | My name is John Hunchman. |
120 | 00:03:48,294 | 00:03:51,164 | I came here to smash balls and make money, | I came here to smash balls and make money, |
121 | 00:03:51,231 | 00:03:53,900 | and I'm all out of money. | and I'm all out of money. |
122 | 00:03:53,967 | 00:03:55,536 | (laughs) Nice outfit. | (laughs) Nice outfit. |
123 | 00:03:55,602 | 00:03:58,972 | He looks like a gummy bear going to Sunday school. | He looks like a gummy bear going to Sunday school. |
124 | 00:03:59,039 | 00:04:01,575 | He looks like if Mark Twain lived in a basement | He looks like if Mark Twain lived in a basement |
125 | 00:04:01,642 | 00:04:03,276 | with a freezer full of human heads. | with a freezer full of human heads. |
126 | 00:04:03,343 | 00:04:05,245 | ‐Brutal. ‐Okay, I can hear you. | ‐Brutal. ‐Okay, I can hear you. |
127 | 00:04:05,311 | 00:04:08,248 | He looks like if a riverboat captain | He looks like if a riverboat captain |
128 | 00:04:08,314 | 00:04:11,351 | and a Double Stuf Oreo had a baby. | and a Double Stuf Oreo had a baby. |
129 | 00:04:11,417 | 00:04:12,385 | ‐Ooh. ‐Keep it coming. | ‐Ooh. ‐Keep it coming. |
130 | 00:04:12,452 | 00:04:13,754 | Every insult makes me stronger. | Every insult makes me stronger. |
131 | 00:04:13,820 | 00:04:16,189 | Looking like "Brideshead Regurgitated." | Looking like "Brideshead Regurgitated." |
132 | 00:04:16,256 | 00:04:17,223 | (snorts) Oh, my God. | (snorts) Oh, my God. |
133 | 00:04:17,290 | 00:04:18,358 | All right. You know what? | All right. You know what? |
134 | 00:04:18,424 | 00:04:19,693 | That's‐‐that's actually a good reference. | That's‐‐that's actually a good reference. |
135 | 00:04:19,760 | 00:04:21,394 | He looks like a bag of mustaches | He looks like a bag of mustaches |
136 | 00:04:21,461 | 00:04:23,463 | trying to sneak into the Kentucky Derby. | trying to sneak into the Kentucky Derby. |
137 | 00:04:23,530 | 00:04:25,198 | ‐(laughing) ‐Okay. | ‐(laughing) ‐Okay. |
138 | 00:04:25,265 | 00:04:26,667 | Enough meaningless nonsense. | Enough meaningless nonsense. |
139 | 00:04:26,733 | 00:04:28,201 | Let's play croquet. Where's Tucker? | Let's play croquet. Where's Tucker? |
140 | 00:04:28,268 | 00:04:30,671 | Rise and grind, bitches. | Rise and grind, bitches. |
141 | 00:04:30,737 | 00:04:31,872 | BOTH: Wow. | BOTH: Wow. |
142 | 00:04:31,938 | 00:04:34,474 | JOHN: SCKR really does send quality seersucker suits | JOHN: SCKR really does send quality seersucker suits |
143 | 00:04:34,541 | 00:04:35,709 | straight to your door. | straight to your door. |
144 | 00:04:35,776 | 00:04:40,113 | Remember, no matter who wins or loses, | Remember, no matter who wins or loses, |
145 | 00:04:40,180 | 00:04:44,350 | this is all about looking good and having fun. | this is all about looking good and having fun. |
146 | 00:04:44,417 | 00:04:46,386 | Right, but there's still a thousand‐dollar prize. | Right, but there's still a thousand‐dollar prize. |
147 | 00:04:46,452 | 00:04:47,487 | ‐Correct? ‐(sighs) | ‐Correct? ‐(sighs) |
148 | 00:04:47,554 | 00:04:48,955 | That's correct. | That's correct. |
149 | 00:04:49,022 | 00:04:50,490 | Now, everyone remember, | Now, everyone remember, |
150 | 00:04:50,557 | 00:04:53,560 | the official hashtag is #sucklife. | the official hashtag is #sucklife. |
151 | 00:04:53,627 | 00:04:55,896 | And that's paid out immediately, the prize? | And that's paid out immediately, the prize? |
152 | 00:04:55,962 | 00:04:56,963 | Sure. | Sure. |
153 | 00:04:57,030 | 00:04:58,064 | And you should promote that | And you should promote that |
154 | 00:04:58,131 | 00:04:59,299 | across all your‐‐ | across all your‐‐ |
155 | 00:04:59,365 | 00:05:01,401 | ‐In cash? ‐Cash, check, Bitcoin. | ‐In cash? ‐Cash, check, Bitcoin. |
156 | 00:05:01,467 | 00:05:04,004 | Whatever, but you gotta win first. | Whatever, but you gotta win first. |
157 | 00:05:04,070 | 00:05:05,872 | ‐Okay. Got it covered. ‐All right, champ. | ‐Okay. Got it covered. ‐All right, champ. |
158 | 00:05:05,939 | 00:05:07,240 | Good luck. You call me when it's over. | Good luck. You call me when it's over. |
159 | 00:05:07,307 | 00:05:08,542 | We'll hit the Fridge Pit. | We'll hit the Fridge Pit. |
160 | 00:05:08,609 | 00:05:09,876 | We'll get you a fresh, shiny fridge. | We'll get you a fresh, shiny fridge. |
161 | 00:05:09,943 | 00:05:11,344 | ANNOUNCER: Fridge Pit! | ANNOUNCER: Fridge Pit! |
162 | 00:05:11,411 | 00:05:12,579 | Whoa, whoa, David, you can't leave. | Whoa, whoa, David, you can't leave. |
163 | 00:05:12,646 | 00:05:13,914 | (sputters) Croquet's lame. | (sputters) Croquet's lame. |
164 | 00:05:13,980 | 00:05:15,882 | I'm gonna go read magazines at the gas station. | I'm gonna go read magazines at the gas station. |
165 | 00:05:15,949 | 00:05:17,884 | No, no, it's‐‐it's‐‐ it's two‐person teams, David. | No, no, it's‐‐it's‐‐ it's two‐person teams, David. |
166 | 00:05:17,951 | 00:05:20,020 | ‐I‐‐I need you. ‐DAVID: Ugh. Really? | ‐I‐‐I need you. ‐DAVID: Ugh. Really? |
167 | 00:05:20,086 | 00:05:21,555 | ‐You need me? ‐Uh‐‐ | ‐You need me? ‐Uh‐‐ |
168 | 00:05:21,622 | 00:05:23,123 | Do it for the ham. | Do it for the ham. |
169 | 00:05:23,189 | 00:05:24,390 | ‐Fine. ‐Yes! | ‐Fine. ‐Yes! |
170 | 00:05:24,457 | 00:05:26,459 | Okay, but if this isn't fun, I'm gonna be pissed. | Okay, but if this isn't fun, I'm gonna be pissed. |
171 | 00:05:26,527 | 00:05:28,228 | Put us on the board, Tucker! | Put us on the board, Tucker! |
172 | 00:05:28,294 | 00:05:29,696 | Fine. What's your team name? | Fine. What's your team name? |
173 | 00:05:29,763 | 00:05:32,566 | Uh, how 'bout "Best Buddies Ball Bonkers LLC"‐‐ | Uh, how 'bout "Best Buddies Ball Bonkers LLC"‐‐ |
174 | 00:05:32,633 | 00:05:35,468 | ‐Weak... ‐Oh, my God. | ‐Weak... ‐Oh, my God. |
175 | 00:05:35,536 | 00:05:37,504 | Our team name is | Our team name is |
176 | 00:05:37,571 | 00:05:40,373 | "Your Face Is My Slaughterhouse." | "Your Face Is My Slaughterhouse." |
177 | 00:05:41,407 | 00:05:44,410 | Oh...kay. | Oh...kay. |
178 | 00:05:45,311 | 00:05:46,379 | MAN: Round one! | MAN: Round one! |
179 | 00:05:46,446 | 00:05:48,682 | (rock music) | (rock music) |
180 | 00:05:48,749 | 00:05:49,415 | Boom! | Boom! |
181 | 00:05:49,482 | 00:05:50,517 | We win. | We win. |
182 | 00:05:50,584 | 00:05:52,185 | In your face, Toby! | In your face, Toby! |
183 | 00:05:52,252 | 00:05:53,453 | All right, chill out, man. | All right, chill out, man. |
184 | 00:05:53,520 | 00:05:55,722 | ‐It's just a game. ‐"Just a game." | ‐It's just a game. ‐"Just a game." |
185 | 00:05:55,789 | 00:05:57,758 | The catchphrase of losers. | The catchphrase of losers. |
186 | 00:05:57,824 | 00:05:59,359 | Who's next? How 'bout you two? | Who's next? How 'bout you two? |
187 | 00:05:59,425 | 00:06:00,561 | Who, us? | Who, us? |
188 | 00:06:00,627 | 00:06:02,328 | We won the tournament last year. | We won the tournament last year. |
189 | 00:06:02,395 | 00:06:03,296 | We get a buy. | We get a buy. |
190 | 00:06:03,363 | 00:06:06,132 | Oh, well, wowee. | Oh, well, wowee. |
191 | 00:06:06,199 | 00:06:07,367 | What's up with him? | What's up with him? |
192 | 00:06:07,433 | 00:06:09,435 | This is supposed to be about looking good and having fun. | This is supposed to be about looking good and having fun. |
193 | 00:06:09,503 | 00:06:10,671 | Dude, I don't know. | Dude, I don't know. |
194 | 00:06:10,737 | 00:06:12,038 | ‐I've never seen him like this. ‐Come on. | ‐I've never seen him like this. ‐Come on. |
195 | 00:06:12,105 | 00:06:12,873 | Come on. You want some? | Come on. You want some? |
196 | 00:06:12,939 | 00:06:14,541 | You want some, right? Come on. | You want some, right? Come on. |
197 | 00:06:14,608 | 00:06:16,076 | Which one of you is gonna take a piece of this? | Which one of you is gonna take a piece of this? |
198 | 00:06:16,142 | 00:06:20,313 | He looks like a toll booth having a panic attack. | He looks like a toll booth having a panic attack. |
199 | 00:06:20,380 | 00:06:22,282 | MAN: Round two! | MAN: Round two! |
200 | 00:06:22,348 | 00:06:24,150 | Come on, Britney! | Come on, Britney! |
201 | 00:06:24,217 | 00:06:25,552 | You got this, Brit! | You got this, Brit! |
202 | 00:06:25,619 | 00:06:28,121 | (camera shutter snapping) | (camera shutter snapping) |
203 | 00:06:28,188 | 00:06:29,322 | (coughs) Missed the ball. | (coughs) Missed the ball. |
204 | 00:06:29,389 | 00:06:31,057 | ‐(coughing) ‐Oh, shoot. | ‐(coughing) ‐Oh, shoot. |
205 | 00:06:31,124 | 00:06:32,225 | My turn. | My turn. |
206 | 00:06:32,292 | 00:06:33,560 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
207 | 00:06:33,627 | 00:06:35,529 | ‐Aw, man. ‐Lesson here, Britney: | ‐Aw, man. ‐Lesson here, Britney: |
208 | 00:06:35,596 | 00:06:38,198 | you come at the king, you best not miss. | you come at the king, you best not miss. |
209 | 00:06:38,264 | 00:06:39,232 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
210 | 00:06:39,299 | 00:06:40,400 | JOHN: Ha! | JOHN: Ha! |
211 | 00:06:40,466 | 00:06:41,868 | Why are you being such a little bitch? | Why are you being such a little bitch? |
212 | 00:06:41,935 | 00:06:43,570 | (blabbering) | (blabbering) |
213 | 00:06:43,637 | 00:06:45,338 | This is a croquet tournament, okay? | This is a croquet tournament, okay? |
214 | 00:06:45,405 | 00:06:46,740 | It's not a cuddle puddle. | It's not a cuddle puddle. |
215 | 00:06:47,473 | 00:06:48,408 | ‐Dude. ‐What? | ‐Dude. ‐What? |
216 | 00:06:48,474 | 00:06:49,510 | You're acting insane. | You're acting insane. |
217 | 00:06:49,576 | 00:06:50,644 | This is supposed to be fun. | This is supposed to be fun. |
218 | 00:06:50,711 | 00:06:54,815 | I literally can't afford to have fun, okay? | I literally can't afford to have fun, okay? |
219 | 00:06:54,881 | 00:06:56,583 | Now get out of my way. You're blocking my shot. | Now get out of my way. You're blocking my shot. |
220 | 00:06:56,650 | 00:07:02,789 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
221 | 00:07:02,856 | 00:07:05,325 | Mm...mm. | Mm...mm. |
222 | 00:07:05,391 | 00:07:06,827 | Yes! | Yes! |
223 | 00:07:06,893 | 00:07:08,595 | ALL: Boo! | ALL: Boo! |
224 | 00:07:08,662 | 00:07:11,397 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
225 | 00:07:11,464 | 00:07:13,299 | MAN: Round three! | MAN: Round three! |
226 | 00:07:13,366 | 00:07:14,434 | (sighs) Stupid game. | (sighs) Stupid game. |
227 | 00:07:14,501 | 00:07:15,401 | Whoa, David, what are you doing? | Whoa, David, what are you doing? |
228 | 00:07:15,468 | 00:07:16,537 | ‐What? ‐Not the red ball. | ‐What? ‐Not the red ball. |
229 | 00:07:16,603 | 00:07:17,604 | Green ball's a cleaner shot. | Green ball's a cleaner shot. |
230 | 00:07:17,671 | 00:07:18,705 | The green ball's too far away. | The green ball's too far away. |
231 | 00:07:18,772 | 00:07:19,773 | No, it's not. It's perfect. | No, it's not. It's perfect. |
232 | 00:07:19,840 | 00:07:21,742 | Listen. Do you need me or not? | Listen. Do you need me or not? |
233 | 00:07:21,808 | 00:07:23,577 | ‐(groans) ‐Let me play my game. | ‐(groans) ‐Let me play my game. |
234 | 00:07:23,644 | 00:07:25,245 | ‐Fine. ‐Step back two steps. | ‐Fine. ‐Step back two steps. |
235 | 00:07:25,311 | 00:07:26,446 | Goddamn. | Goddamn. |
236 | 00:07:26,513 | 00:07:27,948 | Breathing down my neck over here. | Breathing down my neck over here. |
237 | 00:07:29,282 | 00:07:30,283 | Shit. | Shit. |
238 | 00:07:30,350 | 00:07:31,852 | Oh, god damn it, David! | Oh, god damn it, David! |
239 | 00:07:31,918 | 00:07:32,653 | Whatever! | Whatever! |
240 | 00:07:32,719 | 00:07:33,787 | I told you, David. | I told you, David. |
241 | 00:07:33,854 | 00:07:34,888 | Now I have to clean up your mess. | Now I have to clean up your mess. |
242 | 00:07:34,955 | 00:07:36,990 | Oh, okay, fine. I'm sorry. | Oh, okay, fine. I'm sorry. |
243 | 00:07:37,057 | 00:07:39,225 | I'm so sorry I messed up your master plan. | I'm so sorry I messed up your master plan. |
244 | 00:07:39,292 | 00:07:40,193 | I'm gonna go get a drink. | I'm gonna go get a drink. |
245 | 00:07:40,260 | 00:07:41,862 | You're mine now. | You're mine now. |
246 | 00:07:43,496 | 00:07:44,765 | ‐Ah! Ouch! ‐Shit! | ‐Ah! Ouch! ‐Shit! |
247 | 00:07:44,831 | 00:07:46,833 | Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Finger cramp. | Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Finger cramp. |
248 | 00:07:46,900 | 00:07:48,735 | ‐ALL: Boo! ‐What was that? | ‐ALL: Boo! ‐What was that? |
249 | 00:07:48,802 | 00:07:50,871 | Oh, I guess it's a false alarm. | Oh, I guess it's a false alarm. |
250 | 00:07:50,937 | 00:07:54,274 | Tucker, the weird, fat, old man isn't playing fair. | Tucker, the weird, fat, old man isn't playing fair. |
251 | 00:07:54,340 | 00:07:56,176 | Reign it in, Detective. | Reign it in, Detective. |
252 | 00:07:56,242 | 00:08:00,647 | We're trying to document a fun seersucker lifestyle. | We're trying to document a fun seersucker lifestyle. |
253 | 00:08:00,714 | 00:08:03,049 | Not your menopausal breakdown. | Not your menopausal breakdown. |
254 | 00:08:03,116 | 00:08:05,652 | Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get the prize money ready. | Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get the prize money ready. |
255 | 00:08:05,719 | 00:08:07,854 | MAN: Match point! | MAN: Match point! |
256 | 00:08:07,921 | 00:08:10,657 | It all comes down to this. | It all comes down to this. |
257 | 00:08:10,724 | 00:08:12,726 | The final wicket. | The final wicket. |
258 | 00:08:12,793 | 00:08:16,462 | This is why we love croquet. | This is why we love croquet. |
259 | 00:08:16,530 | 00:08:19,900 | Who's looking good and having fun? | Who's looking good and having fun? |
260 | 00:08:19,966 | 00:08:20,901 | ‐(all cheering) ‐Oh, Jesus. | ‐(all cheering) ‐Oh, Jesus. |
261 | 00:08:20,967 | 00:08:22,435 | Enough about looking good. | Enough about looking good. |
262 | 00:08:22,503 | 00:08:24,638 | (camera shutter snapping) | (camera shutter snapping) |
263 | 00:08:24,705 | 00:08:26,573 | Out of my way, "Grey Gardens." | Out of my way, "Grey Gardens." |
264 | 00:08:26,640 | 00:08:30,511 | (grunting) Asthma attack! | (grunting) Asthma attack! |
265 | 00:08:30,577 | 00:08:32,613 | Tucker, this weird, old man | Tucker, this weird, old man |
266 | 00:08:32,679 | 00:08:34,480 | is doing another fake medical emergency. | is doing another fake medical emergency. |
267 | 00:08:34,548 | 00:08:35,949 | Oh, shit. No, no. | Oh, shit. No, no. |
268 | 00:08:36,016 | 00:08:37,718 | He's having an asthma attack. He's‐‐it's real. | He's having an asthma attack. He's‐‐it's real. |
269 | 00:08:37,784 | 00:08:38,785 | Where's your inhaler? | Where's your inhaler? |
270 | 00:08:38,852 | 00:08:39,786 | Can't get it out of my pocket. | Can't get it out of my pocket. |
271 | 00:08:39,853 | 00:08:41,722 | Damn, these pants are so tight. | Damn, these pants are so tight. |
272 | 00:08:41,788 | 00:08:43,323 | Does anyone have an inhaler? | Does anyone have an inhaler? |
273 | 00:08:43,389 | 00:08:44,591 | Anyone? | Anyone? |
274 | 00:08:44,658 | 00:08:45,792 | I know he's been a dick all afternoon. | I know he's been a dick all afternoon. |
275 | 00:08:45,859 | 00:08:46,927 | Doesn't mean he should die. | Doesn't mean he should die. |
276 | 00:08:46,993 | 00:08:48,695 | Fine. Here you go. | Fine. Here you go. |
277 | 00:08:48,762 | 00:08:50,897 | ‐Thank you. ‐(gasping) | ‐Thank you. ‐(gasping) |
278 | 00:08:50,964 | 00:08:52,599 | This inhaler... (wheezes) | This inhaler... (wheezes) |
279 | 00:08:52,666 | 00:08:54,034 | It's beautiful. | It's beautiful. |
280 | 00:08:54,100 | 00:08:55,536 | Come on, Colonel. | Come on, Colonel. |
281 | 00:08:55,602 | 00:08:57,470 | Suck life! | Suck life! |
282 | 00:08:57,538 | 00:09:01,374 | Suck life. Suck life. | Suck life. Suck life. |
283 | 00:09:01,441 | 00:09:04,578 | ALL: Suck life! Suck life! | ALL: Suck life! Suck life! |
284 | 00:09:04,645 | 00:09:05,879 | Suck life! | Suck life! |
285 | 00:09:05,946 | 00:09:07,914 | This is not what I planned, | This is not what I planned, |
286 | 00:09:07,981 | 00:09:11,985 | but thank you for this incredible spectacle. | but thank you for this incredible spectacle. |
287 | 00:09:12,052 | 00:09:14,487 | ALL: Suck life! Suck life! | ALL: Suck life! Suck life! |
288 | 00:09:14,555 | 00:09:17,924 | Now there, and zoom... and match. | Now there, and zoom... and match. |
289 | 00:09:17,991 | 00:09:19,392 | See? I definitely would've won that on paper. | See? I definitely would've won that on paper. |
290 | 00:09:19,459 | 00:09:20,894 | You know what? | You know what? |
291 | 00:09:20,961 | 00:09:22,362 | No one gives a shit about what happens on a piece of paper. | No one gives a shit about what happens on a piece of paper. |
292 | 00:09:22,428 | 00:09:23,429 | What‐‐what is your problem? | What‐‐what is your problem? |
293 | 00:09:23,496 | 00:09:24,998 | Dude, are you not even gonna thank me? | Dude, are you not even gonna thank me? |
294 | 00:09:25,065 | 00:09:26,533 | For helping me lose the match? | For helping me lose the match? |
295 | 00:09:26,600 | 00:09:28,569 | For saving your life, asshole. | For saving your life, asshole. |
296 | 00:09:28,635 | 00:09:30,303 | Technically, the inhaler saved my life. | Technically, the inhaler saved my life. |
297 | 00:09:30,370 | 00:09:32,873 | Admit it; you literally cannot live without me, | Admit it; you literally cannot live without me, |
298 | 00:09:32,939 | 00:09:34,708 | because real life is not on paper. | because real life is not on paper. |
299 | 00:09:34,775 | 00:09:36,409 | Will you stop waving that ham in my face? | Will you stop waving that ham in my face? |
300 | 00:09:36,476 | 00:09:38,311 | John, this is the talking ham. | John, this is the talking ham. |
301 | 00:09:38,378 | 00:09:39,846 | Whoever holds the ham can talk. | Whoever holds the ham can talk. |
302 | 00:09:39,913 | 00:09:41,648 | Now, you listen to me, damn it. | Now, you listen to me, damn it. |
303 | 00:09:41,715 | 00:09:42,649 | ‐(phone chimes) ‐Whoa. | ‐(phone chimes) ‐Whoa. |
304 | 00:09:42,716 | 00:09:43,750 | ‐What? ‐Tucker. | ‐What? ‐Tucker. |
305 | 00:09:43,817 | 00:09:45,786 | He just sent me $500. | He just sent me $500. |
306 | 00:09:45,852 | 00:09:47,588 | According to him, it turns out, | According to him, it turns out, |
307 | 00:09:47,654 | 00:09:49,790 | "Young people playing lawn games..." | "Young people playing lawn games..." |
308 | 00:09:49,856 | 00:09:50,724 | JOHN AND TUCKER: With a belligerent, | JOHN AND TUCKER: With a belligerent, |
309 | 00:09:50,791 | 00:09:52,626 | lonely, old man... | lonely, old man... |
310 | 00:09:52,693 | 00:09:55,629 | TUCKER: Speaks to millennials' yearning for weird dads | TUCKER: Speaks to millennials' yearning for weird dads |
311 | 00:09:55,696 | 00:09:57,964 | who aren't their actual dads. | who aren't their actual dads. |
312 | 00:09:58,031 | 00:09:59,700 | Good work, Detective. | Good work, Detective. |
313 | 00:09:59,766 | 00:10:01,568 | Huh. I'm a brand ambassador. | Huh. I'm a brand ambassador. |
314 | 00:10:01,635 | 00:10:03,303 | Goddamn, you're selfish. | Goddamn, you're selfish. |
315 | 00:10:03,369 | 00:10:04,605 | We're both brand ambassadors. | We're both brand ambassadors. |
316 | 00:10:04,671 | 00:10:06,472 | ‐(phone chimes) ‐Oh. | ‐(phone chimes) ‐Oh. |
317 | 00:10:06,540 | 00:10:09,375 | Uh, did you just order me five honey‐baked hams? | Uh, did you just order me five honey‐baked hams? |
318 | 00:10:09,442 | 00:10:12,478 | Well, I don't want you to die from eating that rotten ham, | Well, I don't want you to die from eating that rotten ham, |
319 | 00:10:12,546 | 00:10:14,414 | and you have a point. | and you have a point. |
320 | 00:10:14,480 | 00:10:15,516 | Here we go. | Here we go. |
321 | 00:10:15,582 | 00:10:16,817 | I couldn't have lost without you. | I couldn't have lost without you. |
322 | 00:10:16,883 | 00:10:17,851 | ‐Uh‐huh. ‐All right? | ‐Uh‐huh. ‐All right? |
323 | 00:10:17,918 | 00:10:19,686 | Okay, apology accepted, | Okay, apology accepted, |
324 | 00:10:19,753 | 00:10:22,723 | if what you're saying is you need me. | if what you're saying is you need me. |
325 | 00:10:22,789 | 00:10:23,890 | ‐I need‐‐ ‐Just say it, man. | ‐I need‐‐ ‐Just say it, man. |
326 | 00:10:23,957 | 00:10:24,991 | Just say it. Why's it gotta be so hard? | Just say it. Why's it gotta be so hard? |
327 | 00:10:25,058 | 00:10:26,226 | Don't even think about it. Just say it. | Don't even think about it. Just say it. |
328 | 00:10:26,292 | 00:10:29,362 | You need... | You need... |
329 | 00:10:29,429 | 00:10:32,198 | Need...a new refrigerator. | Need...a new refrigerator. |
330 | 00:10:32,265 | 00:10:34,300 | So I can stuff all this hot honeyed ham in it. | So I can stuff all this hot honeyed ham in it. |
331 | 00:10:34,367 | 00:10:35,468 | Ugh, vomit. | Ugh, vomit. |
332 | 00:10:35,536 | 00:10:37,771 | ‐My hot honeyed ham, homey. ‐Disgusting. Yeah. | ‐My hot honeyed ham, homey. ‐Disgusting. Yeah. |
333 | 00:10:37,838 | 00:10:39,606 | ‐Euphemism taken. ‐Take it. | ‐Euphemism taken. ‐Take it. |
334 | 00:10:39,673 | 00:10:41,174 | Take all that euphemism. | Take all that euphemism. |