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# | Start | End | Original | Translated |
---|---|---|---|---|
1 | 00:00:06,873 | 00:00:09,442 | (jazz music) | (jazz music) |
2 | 00:00:09,510 | 00:00:10,744 | JOHN: No, David, it doesn't matter | JOHN: No, David, it doesn't matter |
3 | 00:00:10,811 | 00:00:12,145 | if you're in the forest. | if you're in the forest. |
4 | 00:00:12,212 | 00:00:14,447 | The phrase isn't, "If a tree falls in the forest, | The phrase isn't, "If a tree falls in the forest, |
5 | 00:00:14,515 | 00:00:16,082 | ‐can David hear it?" ‐Yeah, it is. | ‐can David hear it?" ‐Yeah, it is. |
6 | 00:00:16,149 | 00:00:18,018 | If a tree falls in the forest, can you hear it? | If a tree falls in the forest, can you hear it? |
7 | 00:00:18,084 | 00:00:19,119 | That's me. They're talking about me. | That's me. They're talking about me. |
8 | 00:00:19,185 | 00:00:20,286 | "You" could be anyone. | "You" could be anyone. |
9 | 00:00:20,353 | 00:00:21,688 | In fact it doesn't even have to be a human. | In fact it doesn't even have to be a human. |
10 | 00:00:21,755 | 00:00:23,624 | I can only be me, John. You know that. | I can only be me, John. You know that. |
11 | 00:00:23,690 | 00:00:25,859 | Excuse me. Are you John Hunchman? | Excuse me. Are you John Hunchman? |
12 | 00:00:25,926 | 00:00:27,460 | ‐I am. ‐Uh, my name's Jenna. | ‐I am. ‐Uh, my name's Jenna. |
13 | 00:00:27,528 | 00:00:28,995 | I got your name from Kristen Mills, | I got your name from Kristen Mills, |
14 | 00:00:29,062 | 00:00:30,063 | my best friend. | my best friend. |
15 | 00:00:30,130 | 00:00:31,665 | You found her missing pom‐poms. | You found her missing pom‐poms. |
16 | 00:00:31,732 | 00:00:35,335 | Ah, the mystery of the dumbest cheerleader of all time. | Ah, the mystery of the dumbest cheerleader of all time. |
17 | 00:00:35,401 | 00:00:36,870 | ‐Sorry? ‐Uh, nothing. | ‐Sorry? ‐Uh, nothing. |
18 | 00:00:36,937 | 00:00:38,171 | Uh, how can we help you? | Uh, how can we help you? |
19 | 00:00:38,238 | 00:00:41,207 | My parents make me take piano lessons and‐‐ | My parents make me take piano lessons and‐‐ |
20 | 00:00:41,274 | 00:00:42,475 | BOTH: You want us to murder your parents. | BOTH: You want us to murder your parents. |
21 | 00:00:42,543 | 00:00:45,178 | ‐Uh, I'm afraid we can't. ‐No. | ‐Uh, I'm afraid we can't. ‐No. |
22 | 00:00:45,245 | 00:00:48,181 | ‐I want to take piano lessons. ‐What? | ‐I want to take piano lessons. ‐What? |
23 | 00:00:48,248 | 00:00:49,883 | (laughs) Then you're dumb. | (laughs) Then you're dumb. |
24 | 00:00:49,950 | 00:00:51,852 | I think the man my parents hired | I think the man my parents hired |
25 | 00:00:51,918 | 00:00:53,486 | isn't a real piano teacher. | isn't a real piano teacher. |
26 | 00:00:53,554 | 00:00:56,723 | ‐Go on. ‐His name is Royce Delorax. | ‐Go on. ‐His name is Royce Delorax. |
27 | 00:00:56,790 | 00:00:57,824 | JOHN: Mm‐hmm. | JOHN: Mm‐hmm. |
28 | 00:00:57,891 | 00:00:59,826 | ‐(piano keys clunking) ‐Doing great, buddy. | ‐(piano keys clunking) ‐Doing great, buddy. |
29 | 00:00:59,893 | 00:01:02,696 | JENNA: He makes me do all this weird stuff to the piano. | JENNA: He makes me do all this weird stuff to the piano. |
30 | 00:01:02,763 | 00:01:05,031 | (clattering) | (clattering) |
31 | 00:01:05,098 | 00:01:06,032 | This is amazing. Seriously. | This is amazing. Seriously. |
32 | 00:01:06,099 | 00:01:07,568 | You outdid yourself. | You outdid yourself. |
33 | 00:01:07,634 | 00:01:09,603 | JENNA: MY parents don't care because he told them | JENNA: MY parents don't care because he told them |
34 | 00:01:09,670 | 00:01:10,871 | it's "avant‐garde." | it's "avant‐garde." |
35 | 00:01:10,937 | 00:01:12,238 | Well, what do you want us to do? | Well, what do you want us to do? |
36 | 00:01:12,305 | 00:01:14,440 | I want you to find out if it's real music. | I want you to find out if it's real music. |
37 | 00:01:14,508 | 00:01:16,943 | If it's not, I want my parents' money back. | If it's not, I want my parents' money back. |
38 | 00:01:17,010 | 00:01:19,946 | Hmm, of course. We'll take the case. | Hmm, of course. We'll take the case. |
39 | 00:01:20,013 | 00:01:20,847 | Excuse me. | Excuse me. |
40 | 00:01:20,914 | 00:01:22,916 | Uh, we'd better get those CDs to go. | Uh, we'd better get those CDs to go. |
41 | 00:01:22,983 | 00:01:25,919 | (exciting music) | (exciting music) |
42 | 00:01:25,986 | 00:01:29,556 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
43 | 00:01:29,623 | 00:01:32,158 | So how can we figure out if Jenna's teacher is legit? | So how can we figure out if Jenna's teacher is legit? |
44 | 00:01:32,225 | 00:01:34,861 | You know, I know a lady who could help us, | You know, I know a lady who could help us, |
45 | 00:01:34,928 | 00:01:37,631 | but we would have to bring a lot of singles. | but we would have to bring a lot of singles. |
46 | 00:01:37,698 | 00:01:38,498 | Singles? Why? | Singles? Why? |
47 | 00:01:38,565 | 00:01:39,833 | Are we going to Players After Dark? | Are we going to Players After Dark? |
48 | 00:01:39,900 | 00:01:41,267 | ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Crotches N' Company? | ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Crotches N' Company? |
49 | 00:01:41,334 | 00:01:42,468 | ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Wet Spots on Sixth. | ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Wet Spots on Sixth. |
50 | 00:01:42,536 | 00:01:43,637 | ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Jay O'Staynes? | ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Jay O'Staynes? |
51 | 00:01:43,704 | 00:01:44,938 | ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Lumps Unlimited? | ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Lumps Unlimited? |
52 | 00:01:45,005 | 00:01:46,272 | ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Liquid Temptations. | ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Liquid Temptations. |
53 | 00:01:46,339 | 00:01:47,574 | ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Squirt City? | ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Squirt City? |
54 | 00:01:47,641 | 00:01:49,042 | ‐DAVID: That closed. ‐JOHN: Dehumanizers! | ‐DAVID: That closed. ‐JOHN: Dehumanizers! |
55 | 00:01:49,109 | 00:01:51,778 | Or one of the other local strip clubs that I've read about? | Or one of the other local strip clubs that I've read about? |
56 | 00:01:51,845 | 00:01:53,514 | No, just bring dollar bills, all right? | No, just bring dollar bills, all right? |
57 | 00:01:53,580 | 00:01:57,951 | Hmm, I always wanted to go to Dehumanizers. | Hmm, I always wanted to go to Dehumanizers. |
58 | 00:01:58,018 | 00:02:00,253 | David Purefoy, you've grown. | David Purefoy, you've grown. |
59 | 00:02:00,320 | 00:02:02,288 | Are you keeping up with your piano lessons? | Are you keeping up with your piano lessons? |
60 | 00:02:02,355 | 00:02:05,325 | No, ma'am, I was seduced by another mistress: | No, ma'am, I was seduced by another mistress: |
61 | 00:02:05,391 | 00:02:07,828 | Lady Electric Guitar. | Lady Electric Guitar. |
62 | 00:02:07,894 | 00:02:09,129 | ‐Hmm. ‐JOHN: Miss Lee, | ‐Hmm. ‐JOHN: Miss Lee, |
63 | 00:02:09,195 | 00:02:10,931 | I can't believe you taught David piano. | I can't believe you taught David piano. |
64 | 00:02:10,997 | 00:02:12,365 | Barely. | Barely. |
65 | 00:02:12,432 | 00:02:15,335 | What was that awful song you wanted to learn how to play? | What was that awful song you wanted to learn how to play? |
66 | 00:02:15,401 | 00:02:16,737 | Oh, "Shredded Humans" by Cannibal Corpse? | Oh, "Shredded Humans" by Cannibal Corpse? |
67 | 00:02:16,803 | 00:02:17,904 | Can you imagine? | Can you imagine? |
68 | 00:02:17,971 | 00:02:21,007 | I'm teaching Mozart and he's talking about, | I'm teaching Mozart and he's talking about, |
69 | 00:02:21,074 | 00:02:23,910 | "I wanna learn Cannibal Corpse where they sing like"... | "I wanna learn Cannibal Corpse where they sing like"... |
70 | 00:02:23,977 | 00:02:25,478 | [mimics roaring] | [mimics roaring] |
71 | 00:02:25,546 | 00:02:28,515 | Yes, his taste in music is problematic, and guess what? | Yes, his taste in music is problematic, and guess what? |
72 | 00:02:28,582 | 00:02:30,016 | He still hasn't learned that song. | He still hasn't learned that song. |
73 | 00:02:30,083 | 00:02:31,084 | DAVID: I will, though. | DAVID: I will, though. |
74 | 00:02:31,151 | 00:02:33,086 | Well, how can I help you boys? | Well, how can I help you boys? |
75 | 00:02:33,153 | 00:02:35,255 | Miss Lee, is there a tradition of musicians | Miss Lee, is there a tradition of musicians |
76 | 00:02:35,321 | 00:02:37,724 | doing unusual things to pianos? | doing unusual things to pianos? |
77 | 00:02:37,791 | 00:02:42,195 | Hmm, John Cage put nails and screws in the strings. | Hmm, John Cage put nails and screws in the strings. |
78 | 00:02:42,262 | 00:02:44,430 | He called it "prepared piano." | He called it "prepared piano." |
79 | 00:02:44,497 | 00:02:45,866 | [laughs] Uh‐huh. | [laughs] Uh‐huh. |
80 | 00:02:45,932 | 00:02:48,769 | As in, "Be prepared to hear some fucked up piano?" | As in, "Be prepared to hear some fucked up piano?" |
81 | 00:02:48,835 | 00:02:49,970 | ‐David! ‐Sorry. | ‐David! ‐Sorry. |
82 | 00:02:50,036 | 00:02:52,372 | ‐(sighs) ‐Give me a single. | ‐(sighs) ‐Give me a single. |
83 | 00:02:52,438 | 00:02:55,175 | Oh, you know Stockhausen wrote concert pieces | Oh, you know Stockhausen wrote concert pieces |
84 | 00:02:55,241 | 00:02:57,377 | where the performer punched the piano. | where the performer punched the piano. |
85 | 00:02:57,443 | 00:02:58,779 | ‐Of course! ‐Whoa. | ‐Of course! ‐Whoa. |
86 | 00:02:58,845 | 00:03:01,715 | A public transgression of norms surrounding high culture. | A public transgression of norms surrounding high culture. |
87 | 00:03:01,782 | 00:03:03,183 | Oh, but mind you, | Oh, but mind you, |
88 | 00:03:03,249 | 00:03:05,986 | those composers knew their fundamentals. | those composers knew their fundamentals. |
89 | 00:03:06,052 | 00:03:08,822 | Scales, music theory. | Scales, music theory. |
90 | 00:03:08,889 | 00:03:10,757 | Remember Proverbs 1:7? | Remember Proverbs 1:7? |
91 | 00:03:10,824 | 00:03:13,193 | Fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge | Fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge |
92 | 00:03:13,259 | 00:03:15,662 | but fools despise wisdom and instruction. | but fools despise wisdom and instruction. |
93 | 00:03:15,729 | 00:03:17,230 | Bible boom. | Bible boom. |
94 | 00:03:17,297 | 00:03:19,199 | ‐You give me a dollar. ‐Uh‐uh! | ‐You give me a dollar. ‐Uh‐uh! |
95 | 00:03:19,265 | 00:03:21,668 | Wisdom and instruction must come | Wisdom and instruction must come |
96 | 00:03:21,735 | 00:03:23,737 | before all that other craziness. | before all that other craziness. |
97 | 00:03:23,804 | 00:03:25,205 | What would you have done if you had caught David | What would you have done if you had caught David |
98 | 00:03:25,271 | 00:03:26,339 | ‐hitting your piano? ‐Oof. | ‐hitting your piano? ‐Oof. |
99 | 00:03:26,406 | 00:03:27,808 | Oh, dear. | Oh, dear. |
100 | 00:03:27,874 | 00:03:30,711 | She definitely would have kicked me in these nuts. | She definitely would have kicked me in these nuts. |
101 | 00:03:30,777 | 00:03:31,845 | (groans) | (groans) |
102 | 00:03:31,912 | 00:03:35,649 | And may I presume one dollar for each nut? | And may I presume one dollar for each nut? |
103 | 00:03:38,084 | 00:03:40,954 | ‐For each of these nuts, yes. ‐All right. | ‐For each of these nuts, yes. ‐All right. |
104 | 00:03:41,021 | 00:03:43,824 | So when Royce Delorax has his students hit pianos, | So when Royce Delorax has his students hit pianos, |
105 | 00:03:43,890 | 00:03:46,226 | he could be operating within the western tradition | he could be operating within the western tradition |
106 | 00:03:46,292 | 00:03:47,994 | ‐of experimental music. ‐Oh, please. | ‐of experimental music. ‐Oh, please. |
107 | 00:03:48,061 | 00:03:49,229 | He's telling these bougie parents | He's telling these bougie parents |
108 | 00:03:49,295 | 00:03:50,631 | that he's gonna make their kids cultured | that he's gonna make their kids cultured |
109 | 00:03:50,697 | 00:03:52,799 | and then they just sit around slapping pianos. | and then they just sit around slapping pianos. |
110 | 00:03:52,866 | 00:03:54,935 | I bet he doesn't even know how to play piano, man. | I bet he doesn't even know how to play piano, man. |
111 | 00:03:55,001 | 00:03:56,436 | ‐He's goofing off. ‐Wait, wait, wait. | ‐He's goofing off. ‐Wait, wait, wait. |
112 | 00:03:56,503 | 00:03:59,405 | David, goofing off, or maybe getting off. | David, goofing off, or maybe getting off. |
113 | 00:03:59,472 | 00:04:00,674 | (groans) What? | (groans) What? |
114 | 00:04:00,741 | 00:04:03,276 | David, it's time we talked to our mystery pianist. | David, it's time we talked to our mystery pianist. |
115 | 00:04:03,343 | 00:04:04,911 | ‐(chuckles) ‐No, don't. | ‐(chuckles) ‐No, don't. |
116 | 00:04:04,978 | 00:04:06,012 | ‐I know. ‐But dude, | ‐I know. ‐But dude, |
117 | 00:04:06,079 | 00:04:07,213 | you know what pianist sounds like, right? | you know what pianist sounds like, right? |
118 | 00:04:07,280 | 00:04:08,348 | Yes, I know what it sounds like. | Yes, I know what it sounds like. |
119 | 00:04:08,414 | 00:04:09,650 | It sounds like... ♪♪ Penis ♪♪ | It sounds like... ♪♪ Penis ♪♪ |
120 | 00:04:09,716 | 00:04:10,984 | Yes, you don't need to tell me. | Yes, you don't need to tell me. |
121 | 00:04:11,051 | 00:04:13,319 | ‐The best word to say. ‐I'm a‐‐I'm a grown man. | ‐The best word to say. ‐I'm a‐‐I'm a grown man. |
122 | 00:04:13,386 | 00:04:14,688 | Okay, you're right. | Okay, you're right. |
123 | 00:04:14,755 | 00:04:16,022 | It is time that we talked to our mysterious penis. | It is time that we talked to our mysterious penis. |
124 | 00:04:16,089 | 00:04:17,290 | Yeah, good. Let's go. | Yeah, good. Let's go. |
125 | 00:04:17,357 | 00:04:18,191 | ‐Our mysterious penis. ‐Yeah, I heard it. | ‐Our mysterious penis. ‐Yeah, I heard it. |
126 | 00:04:18,258 | 00:04:19,526 | I heard it. | I heard it. |
127 | 00:04:19,593 | 00:04:21,995 | Penis mysteries from the planet Zorkon. | Penis mysteries from the planet Zorkon. |
128 | 00:04:24,998 | 00:04:26,767 | Excuse me. Royce Delorax? | Excuse me. Royce Delorax? |
129 | 00:04:26,833 | 00:04:27,834 | Um, who are you? | Um, who are you? |
130 | 00:04:27,901 | 00:04:29,435 | I'm John Hunchman, Hunchman Investigations. | I'm John Hunchman, Hunchman Investigations. |
131 | 00:04:29,503 | 00:04:30,504 | This is my associate, | This is my associate, |
132 | 00:04:30,571 | 00:04:31,772 | ‐Mr. Purefoy. ‐What's up? | ‐Mr. Purefoy. ‐What's up? |
133 | 00:04:31,838 | 00:04:33,940 | Hmm, sorry. I don't talk to cops. | Hmm, sorry. I don't talk to cops. |
134 | 00:04:34,007 | 00:04:35,308 | Well, we're not the police. | Well, we're not the police. |
135 | 00:04:35,375 | 00:04:38,344 | I mean C. O. P. S. Creepy old pieces of shit. | I mean C. O. P. S. Creepy old pieces of shit. |
136 | 00:04:38,411 | 00:04:40,480 | ‐Whoa. ‐It's an acronym. | ‐Whoa. ‐It's an acronym. |
137 | 00:04:40,547 | 00:04:42,716 | I have a facility for wordplay as well as music. | I have a facility for wordplay as well as music. |
138 | 00:04:42,783 | 00:04:45,552 | Hmm, IRW. I respect wordplay. | Hmm, IRW. I respect wordplay. |
139 | 00:04:45,619 | 00:04:48,354 | Hmm, well, if you'll excuse me, I have a lesson. | Hmm, well, if you'll excuse me, I have a lesson. |
140 | 00:04:48,421 | 00:04:50,223 | ‐You're in my way. ‐No, I'm not. | ‐You're in my way. ‐No, I'm not. |
141 | 00:04:50,290 | 00:04:51,858 | (groans) Yes, you are. | (groans) Yes, you are. |
142 | 00:04:51,925 | 00:04:54,494 | ‐No, I'm not. ‐Move, asshole. | ‐No, I'm not. ‐Move, asshole. |
143 | 00:04:54,561 | 00:04:56,797 | ‐I shan't, asshole! ‐Stop it, both of you! | ‐I shan't, asshole! ‐Stop it, both of you! |
144 | 00:04:56,863 | 00:05:00,200 | Mr. Delorax, W. A. Y. T. Y. S. T. D. P.? | Mr. Delorax, W. A. Y. T. Y. S. T. D. P.? |
145 | 00:05:00,266 | 00:05:02,503 | ‐Whoa, what are you‐‐ ‐Oh, did you miss that one? | ‐Whoa, what are you‐‐ ‐Oh, did you miss that one? |
146 | 00:05:02,569 | 00:05:04,771 | Why are you teaching your students to defile pianos? | Why are you teaching your students to defile pianos? |
147 | 00:05:04,838 | 00:05:07,708 | ‐Oh, wordplay boom! ‐Defile? | ‐Oh, wordplay boom! ‐Defile? |
148 | 00:05:07,774 | 00:05:09,342 | Spoken like a true philistine. | Spoken like a true philistine. |
149 | 00:05:09,409 | 00:05:10,877 | ‐Picture it, David. ‐Okay. | ‐Picture it, David. ‐Okay. |
150 | 00:05:10,944 | 00:05:13,279 | A young woman sits down at an immaculate piano | A young woman sits down at an immaculate piano |
151 | 00:05:13,346 | 00:05:15,816 | and slams her fists into the keys, | and slams her fists into the keys, |
152 | 00:05:15,882 | 00:05:16,950 | slaps it, | slaps it, |
153 | 00:05:17,017 | 00:05:19,720 | then dumps a bunch of junk into it like John Cage. | then dumps a bunch of junk into it like John Cage. |
154 | 00:05:19,786 | 00:05:21,822 | Treats a Steinway concert grand | Treats a Steinway concert grand |
155 | 00:05:21,888 | 00:05:24,324 | like a common filthy garbage can. | like a common filthy garbage can. |
156 | 00:05:24,390 | 00:05:25,458 | Mmm. | Mmm. |
157 | 00:05:25,526 | 00:05:27,493 | You're crazy, the both of you! | You're crazy, the both of you! |
158 | 00:05:27,561 | 00:05:29,262 | Now, leave me alone! | Now, leave me alone! |
159 | 00:05:29,329 | 00:05:31,331 | That was weird. | That was weird. |
160 | 00:05:31,397 | 00:05:32,833 | David, what are you doing on Wednesday night? | David, what are you doing on Wednesday night? |
161 | 00:05:32,899 | 00:05:34,835 | I'm watching the game 'cause we're playing Gonzaga. | I'm watching the game 'cause we're playing Gonzaga. |
162 | 00:05:34,901 | 00:05:37,771 | Wrong. We're going to a cage match. | Wrong. We're going to a cage match. |
163 | 00:05:37,838 | 00:05:41,575 | ‐JOHN: A John Cage match! ‐DAVID: Holy shit! | ‐JOHN: A John Cage match! ‐DAVID: Holy shit! |
164 | 00:05:41,642 | 00:05:43,710 | She's a beauty, ain't she? | She's a beauty, ain't she? |
165 | 00:05:43,777 | 00:05:46,346 | ‐How much? ‐Just 60 bucks. | ‐How much? ‐Just 60 bucks. |
166 | 00:05:46,412 | 00:05:48,481 | ‐Real hickory handle. ‐60 bucks? | ‐Real hickory handle. ‐60 bucks? |
167 | 00:05:48,549 | 00:05:50,116 | ‐Goddamn! ‐Whatever. | ‐Goddamn! ‐Whatever. |
168 | 00:05:50,183 | 00:05:51,284 | I have my mom's card. | I have my mom's card. |
169 | 00:05:51,351 | 00:05:54,354 | Oh, sorry. I meant 75. | Oh, sorry. I meant 75. |
170 | 00:05:54,420 | 00:05:56,790 | Say, didn't you buy a hammer from me a couple months ago? | Say, didn't you buy a hammer from me a couple months ago? |
171 | 00:05:56,857 | 00:05:59,459 | Yeah, my mom told me to get a new one | Yeah, my mom told me to get a new one |
172 | 00:05:59,526 | 00:06:00,961 | for the piano recital. | for the piano recital. |
173 | 00:06:01,027 | 00:06:03,429 | ‐Are you building a piano? ‐Smashing it. | ‐Are you building a piano? ‐Smashing it. |
174 | 00:06:03,496 | 00:06:05,431 | Oh, this is a great hammer for smashing. | Oh, this is a great hammer for smashing. |
175 | 00:06:05,498 | 00:06:07,768 | A steal at $90, which is the actual price. | A steal at $90, which is the actual price. |
176 | 00:06:07,834 | 00:06:11,071 | Please disregard all previous prices. | Please disregard all previous prices. |
177 | 00:06:11,137 | 00:06:13,106 | You know, you seem pretty chill about letting Mr. Sutton | You know, you seem pretty chill about letting Mr. Sutton |
178 | 00:06:13,173 | 00:06:14,541 | overcharge you for that hammer. | overcharge you for that hammer. |
179 | 00:06:14,608 | 00:06:16,342 | You know why my mom wanted me to get a new hammer? | You know why my mom wanted me to get a new hammer? |
180 | 00:06:16,409 | 00:06:17,477 | ‐ Mm? ‐ No. | ‐ Mm? ‐ No. |
181 | 00:06:17,544 | 00:06:18,979 | Because she was at the tennis club | Because she was at the tennis club |
182 | 00:06:19,045 | 00:06:21,782 | and Mrs. Colefax was bragging about how she bought Laurie | and Mrs. Colefax was bragging about how she bought Laurie |
183 | 00:06:21,848 | 00:06:23,316 | a new hammer for the recital. | a new hammer for the recital. |
184 | 00:06:23,383 | 00:06:25,185 | Huh, a classic case of hammer envy. | Huh, a classic case of hammer envy. |
185 | 00:06:25,251 | 00:06:26,386 | Oof. | Oof. |
186 | 00:06:26,452 | 00:06:28,789 | My mom is worried Laurie Colefax | My mom is worried Laurie Colefax |
187 | 00:06:28,855 | 00:06:30,857 | will have a nicer hammer than me, | will have a nicer hammer than me, |
188 | 00:06:30,924 | 00:06:33,760 | and then people with think the Colefax's realty business | and then people with think the Colefax's realty business |
189 | 00:06:33,827 | 00:06:36,096 | is doing better than my dad's, and then he'll lose clients, | is doing better than my dad's, and then he'll lose clients, |
190 | 00:06:36,162 | 00:06:38,031 | and we won't get invited to the mayor's pig‐pick, | and we won't get invited to the mayor's pig‐pick, |
191 | 00:06:38,098 | 00:06:39,766 | and everyone in town will hate us. | and everyone in town will hate us. |
192 | 00:06:39,833 | 00:06:41,902 | So we gotta go back in time and kill Mrs. Colefax. | So we gotta go back in time and kill Mrs. Colefax. |
193 | 00:06:41,968 | 00:06:43,236 | No, David, there is no time travel. | No, David, there is no time travel. |
194 | 00:06:43,303 | 00:06:44,538 | Yeah, there is. I saw one. | Yeah, there is. I saw one. |
195 | 00:06:44,605 | 00:06:48,174 | All I wanted was to learn how to play 21 Pilots! | All I wanted was to learn how to play 21 Pilots! |
196 | 00:06:48,241 | 00:06:50,677 | Is that so bad? | Is that so bad? |
197 | 00:06:50,744 | 00:06:52,078 | ‐Yes. ‐We get your point. | ‐Yes. ‐We get your point. |
198 | 00:06:52,145 | 00:06:54,480 | I gotta get home so my mom can post a picture | I gotta get home so my mom can post a picture |
199 | 00:06:54,548 | 00:06:56,650 | of this dumb hammer on her Facebook. | of this dumb hammer on her Facebook. |
200 | 00:06:56,717 | 00:06:57,951 | Right, we'll see you at the recital. | Right, we'll see you at the recital. |
201 | 00:06:58,018 | 00:07:01,454 | Oh, you know tickets are $20, right? | Oh, you know tickets are $20, right? |
202 | 00:07:01,522 | 00:07:03,690 | Whoa, there's a cover charge for this thing? | Whoa, there's a cover charge for this thing? |
203 | 00:07:03,757 | 00:07:05,491 | For everyone. We have to pay, too. | For everyone. We have to pay, too. |
204 | 00:07:05,559 | 00:07:07,828 | You have to pay to play in your own recital? | You have to pay to play in your own recital? |
205 | 00:07:07,894 | 00:07:09,329 | Where does all the money go? | Where does all the money go? |
206 | 00:07:09,395 | 00:07:13,133 | Royce says it goes into an artistic integrity fund, | Royce says it goes into an artistic integrity fund, |
207 | 00:07:13,199 | 00:07:14,167 | whatever that is. | whatever that is. |
208 | 00:07:14,234 | 00:07:15,536 | ‐Hmm. ‐Okay. | ‐Hmm. ‐Okay. |
209 | 00:07:15,602 | 00:07:17,003 | Well, see you. | Well, see you. |
210 | 00:07:17,070 | 00:07:19,673 | Parents are really judging each other over whose kid | Parents are really judging each other over whose kid |
211 | 00:07:19,740 | 00:07:21,374 | has the most glamorous hammer. | has the most glamorous hammer. |
212 | 00:07:21,441 | 00:07:22,976 | This is a new world, bro. | This is a new world, bro. |
213 | 00:07:23,043 | 00:07:23,810 | When we were young, | When we were young, |
214 | 00:07:23,877 | 00:07:24,978 | parents just judged each other | parents just judged each other |
215 | 00:07:25,045 | 00:07:26,112 | by how well their kids played piano. | by how well their kids played piano. |
216 | 00:07:26,179 | 00:07:27,413 | Exactly. | Exactly. |
217 | 00:07:27,480 | 00:07:29,349 | Can you play the notes on this piece of paper or not? | Can you play the notes on this piece of paper or not? |
218 | 00:07:29,415 | 00:07:31,184 | And if you can't, you are a fraud. | And if you can't, you are a fraud. |
219 | 00:07:31,251 | 00:07:33,086 | Exactly. David, that's it. | Exactly. David, that's it. |
220 | 00:07:33,153 | 00:07:34,555 | It is? | It is? |
221 | 00:07:34,621 | 00:07:37,524 | (piano notes clanging) | (piano notes clanging) |
222 | 00:07:37,591 | 00:07:43,263 | ♪♪ ♪♪ | ♪♪ ♪♪ |
223 | 00:07:43,329 | 00:07:45,766 | (applause) | (applause) |
224 | 00:07:45,832 | 00:07:47,801 | Jasmine, ladies and gentlemen. | Jasmine, ladies and gentlemen. |
225 | 00:07:47,868 | 00:07:50,103 | Wasn't she exquisite? | Wasn't she exquisite? |
226 | 00:07:50,170 | 00:07:52,338 | Next up, Jenna. | Next up, Jenna. |
227 | 00:07:52,405 | 00:07:54,240 | Go on, Jenna! Show them your hammer! | Go on, Jenna! Show them your hammer! |
228 | 00:07:54,307 | 00:07:55,976 | This is ridiculous. | This is ridiculous. |
229 | 00:07:56,042 | 00:07:57,110 | I don't want to. | I don't want to. |
230 | 00:07:57,177 | 00:07:59,546 | Jenna, damn it, I paid for those lessons! | Jenna, damn it, I paid for those lessons! |
231 | 00:07:59,613 | 00:08:01,582 | ‐JOHN: Jenna, don't do it! ‐(all gasping) | ‐JOHN: Jenna, don't do it! ‐(all gasping) |
232 | 00:08:01,648 | 00:08:02,949 | I'm sorry we're late. | I'm sorry we're late. |
233 | 00:08:03,016 | 00:08:04,484 | He wanted to watch the game, and I don't drive. | He wanted to watch the game, and I don't drive. |
234 | 00:08:04,551 | 00:08:06,787 | Oh, um, well, well, well. | Oh, um, well, well, well. |
235 | 00:08:06,853 | 00:08:10,256 | If it isn't Inspector Fudge It and Magnum B. O. | If it isn't Inspector Fudge It and Magnum B. O. |
236 | 00:08:10,323 | 00:08:11,291 | (sniffing) | (sniffing) |
237 | 00:08:11,357 | 00:08:12,893 | You're interrupting our recital. | You're interrupting our recital. |
238 | 00:08:12,959 | 00:08:13,927 | WOMAN: Yeah! | WOMAN: Yeah! |
239 | 00:08:13,994 | 00:08:14,995 | FATHER: Now, did they buy a ticket? | FATHER: Now, did they buy a ticket? |
240 | 00:08:15,061 | 00:08:16,797 | Oh, I apologize. | Oh, I apologize. |
241 | 00:08:16,863 | 00:08:19,365 | Why don't you play, Mr. Delorax? | Why don't you play, Mr. Delorax? |
242 | 00:08:19,432 | 00:08:22,168 | Oh, tonight isn't about me. | Oh, tonight isn't about me. |
243 | 00:08:22,235 | 00:08:24,170 | It's about my students. | It's about my students. |
244 | 00:08:24,237 | 00:08:27,941 | Oh, but these good people paid $20 a ticket. | Oh, but these good people paid $20 a ticket. |
245 | 00:08:28,008 | 00:08:31,077 | I'm sure they'd love to hear the maestro. | I'm sure they'd love to hear the maestro. |
246 | 00:08:31,144 | 00:08:33,313 | ‐WOMAN: Yeah! ‐MAN: That sounds important. | ‐WOMAN: Yeah! ‐MAN: That sounds important. |
247 | 00:08:33,379 | 00:08:34,915 | Oh, fine. | Oh, fine. |
248 | 00:08:34,981 | 00:08:39,720 | Um, this, uh, is, uh, "Study in J‐Minor Fifth" | Um, this, uh, is, uh, "Study in J‐Minor Fifth" |
249 | 00:08:39,786 | 00:08:42,388 | by Johan Megonzaga. | by Johan Megonzaga. |
250 | 00:08:42,455 | 00:08:45,225 | (piano notes clunking) | (piano notes clunking) |
251 | 00:08:45,291 | 00:08:47,828 | (applause) | (applause) |
252 | 00:08:47,894 | 00:08:49,630 | LEE: What about your fundamentals? | LEE: What about your fundamentals? |
253 | 00:08:49,696 | 00:08:51,798 | FATHER: Now, did she buy a ticket? | FATHER: Now, did she buy a ticket? |
254 | 00:08:51,865 | 00:08:54,200 | Young man, can you play a scale? | Young man, can you play a scale? |
255 | 00:08:54,267 | 00:08:56,703 | Oh, shit! | Oh, shit! |
256 | 00:08:56,770 | 00:08:59,506 | Um, erm, well, I will do something better. | Um, erm, well, I will do something better. |
257 | 00:08:59,573 | 00:09:00,974 | (strokes piano keys) | (strokes piano keys) |
258 | 00:09:01,041 | 00:09:03,677 | That happened to be all the scales. | That happened to be all the scales. |
259 | 00:09:03,744 | 00:09:05,546 | ‐(all oohing) ‐(applause) | ‐(all oohing) ‐(applause) |
260 | 00:09:05,612 | 00:09:06,747 | MAN: I'm convinced. | MAN: I'm convinced. |
261 | 00:09:06,813 | 00:09:08,749 | LEE: How about this? Can you play this? | LEE: How about this? Can you play this? |
262 | 00:09:08,815 | 00:09:11,818 | Um, of course I cou‐‐ oh, finger cramp! | Um, of course I cou‐‐ oh, finger cramp! |
263 | 00:09:11,885 | 00:09:14,721 | ‐Call 911! ‐Ladies and gentlemen, | ‐Call 911! ‐Ladies and gentlemen, |
264 | 00:09:14,788 | 00:09:17,691 | this man doesn't know how to play the piano. | this man doesn't know how to play the piano. |
265 | 00:09:17,758 | 00:09:19,926 | What? Now I don't know what to believe! | What? Now I don't know what to believe! |
266 | 00:09:19,993 | 00:09:22,495 | And so we are left with two possibilities. | And so we are left with two possibilities. |
267 | 00:09:22,563 | 00:09:25,465 | Either he's sexually aroused by young women | Either he's sexually aroused by young women |
268 | 00:09:25,532 | 00:09:27,200 | ‐defiling pianos‐‐ ‐(all groaning) | ‐defiling pianos‐‐ ‐(all groaning) |
269 | 00:09:27,267 | 00:09:28,201 | WOMAN: Yikes. | WOMAN: Yikes. |
270 | 00:09:28,268 | 00:09:29,503 | A fetish he films and distributes online, | A fetish he films and distributes online, |
271 | 00:09:29,570 | 00:09:31,371 | which I can't confirm yet because the Wi‐Fi | which I can't confirm yet because the Wi‐Fi |
272 | 00:09:31,437 | 00:09:32,606 | on my house boat is spotty. | on my house boat is spotty. |
273 | 00:09:32,673 | 00:09:35,075 | That's too dark. What's the other possibility? | That's too dark. What's the other possibility? |
274 | 00:09:35,141 | 00:09:38,444 | Or he's exploiting your ignorance to make money | Or he's exploiting your ignorance to make money |
275 | 00:09:38,512 | 00:09:41,281 | by pretending to teach your kids avant‐garde music | by pretending to teach your kids avant‐garde music |
276 | 00:09:41,347 | 00:09:44,785 | and trusting you're too dumb to figure it out. | and trusting you're too dumb to figure it out. |
277 | 00:09:44,851 | 00:09:46,553 | ‐MAN: Wow. ‐Whoa. | ‐MAN: Wow. ‐Whoa. |
278 | 00:09:46,620 | 00:09:49,022 | So you're either a creep or a scam artist? | So you're either a creep or a scam artist? |
279 | 00:09:49,089 | 00:09:51,525 | MAN: If you're both, I hope you run for president. | MAN: If you're both, I hope you run for president. |
280 | 00:09:51,592 | 00:09:52,859 | These men are lying! | These men are lying! |
281 | 00:09:52,926 | 00:09:55,929 | They're TFOS! Totally full of shit! | They're TFOS! Totally full of shit! |
282 | 00:09:55,996 | 00:09:57,063 | Ah, yes. | Ah, yes. |
283 | 00:09:57,130 | 00:10:00,000 | Your facility for word play? (chuckles) | Your facility for word play? (chuckles) |
284 | 00:10:00,066 | 00:10:02,168 | Royce Delorax, now that's a weird name. | Royce Delorax, now that's a weird name. |
285 | 00:10:02,235 | 00:10:06,139 | Did you know it's also an anagram for Corey Axelrod? | Did you know it's also an anagram for Corey Axelrod? |
286 | 00:10:06,206 | 00:10:09,175 | And Corey Axelrod has outstanding warrants. | And Corey Axelrod has outstanding warrants. |
287 | 00:10:09,242 | 00:10:10,476 | Wire fraud, | Wire fraud, |
288 | 00:10:10,544 | 00:10:12,713 | and for ejaculating into a baby grand | and for ejaculating into a baby grand |
289 | 00:10:12,779 | 00:10:15,015 | in a San Diego piano showroom. | in a San Diego piano showroom. |
290 | 00:10:15,081 | 00:10:18,118 | ‐MAN: Nasty. ‐Homeboy jizzed on a Steinway. | ‐MAN: Nasty. ‐Homeboy jizzed on a Steinway. |
291 | 00:10:18,184 | 00:10:22,422 | Oh, I guess my name wordplay was TCBH. | Oh, I guess my name wordplay was TCBH. |
292 | 00:10:22,488 | 00:10:24,725 | Too clever by half, yes. | Too clever by half, yes. |
293 | 00:10:24,791 | 00:10:26,760 | Wordplay usually is. | Wordplay usually is. |
294 | 00:10:26,827 | 00:10:28,929 | Now we call 911. | Now we call 911. |
295 | 00:10:28,995 | 00:10:31,031 | (cheers and applause) | (cheers and applause) |
296 | 00:10:31,097 | 00:10:34,367 | ‐(indistinct radio chatter) ‐(crashing) | ‐(indistinct radio chatter) ‐(crashing) |
297 | 00:10:34,434 | 00:10:35,802 | Thanks, guys. | Thanks, guys. |
298 | 00:10:35,869 | 00:10:39,405 | Now maybe my parents will pay for real piano lessons. | Now maybe my parents will pay for real piano lessons. |
299 | 00:10:39,472 | 00:10:42,375 | ‐Arch your fingers, David. ‐My fingers are arched. | ‐Arch your fingers, David. ‐My fingers are arched. |
300 | 00:10:42,442 | 00:10:44,545 | Ah, Miss Lee, why don't you teach Jenna? | Ah, Miss Lee, why don't you teach Jenna? |
301 | 00:10:44,611 | 00:10:45,979 | (gasps) Please? | (gasps) Please? |
302 | 00:10:46,046 | 00:10:47,814 | Mm‐mmm. I'm retired. | Mm‐mmm. I'm retired. |
303 | 00:10:47,881 | 00:10:50,884 | ‐Plus she's a total fascist. ‐Shut your fucking mouth! | ‐Plus she's a total fascist. ‐Shut your fucking mouth! |
304 | 00:10:50,951 | 00:10:52,485 | ‐Oh, ow! ‐(piano keys clunk) | ‐Oh, ow! ‐(piano keys clunk) |
305 | 00:10:52,553 | 00:10:55,188 | I owe you a dollar. | I owe you a dollar. |
306 | 00:10:55,255 | 00:10:58,324 | In this episode you saw footage of a prepared piano | In this episode you saw footage of a prepared piano |
307 | 00:10:58,391 | 00:11:00,827 | modified under professional supervision. | modified under professional supervision. |
308 | 00:11:00,894 | 00:11:02,062 | That's right, David. | That's right, David. |
309 | 00:11:02,128 | 00:11:04,464 | Kids, do not attempt to modify your own piano. | Kids, do not attempt to modify your own piano. |
310 | 00:11:04,531 | 00:11:05,599 | You could damage it. | You could damage it. |
311 | 00:11:05,666 | 00:11:07,701 | Remember, if you damage a piano, | Remember, if you damage a piano, |
312 | 00:11:07,768 | 00:11:10,604 | Billy Joel will kill you with a dart dipped in divorce. | Billy Joel will kill you with a dart dipped in divorce. |
313 | 00:11:10,671 | 00:11:12,272 | It's happened. | It's happened. |