# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:06,873 00:00:09,442 (jazz music) (jazz music)
2 00:00:09,510 00:00:10,744 JOHN: No, David, it doesn't matter JOHN: No, David, it doesn't matter
3 00:00:10,811 00:00:12,145 if you're in the forest. if you're in the forest.
4 00:00:12,212 00:00:14,447 The phrase isn't, "If a tree falls in the forest, The phrase isn't, "If a tree falls in the forest,
5 00:00:14,515 00:00:16,082 ‐can David hear it?" ‐Yeah, it is. ‐can David hear it?" ‐Yeah, it is.
6 00:00:16,149 00:00:18,018 If a tree falls in the forest, can you hear it? If a tree falls in the forest, can you hear it?
7 00:00:18,084 00:00:19,119 That's me. They're talking about me. That's me. They're talking about me.
8 00:00:19,185 00:00:20,286 "You" could be anyone. "You" could be anyone.
9 00:00:20,353 00:00:21,688 In fact it doesn't even have to be a human. In fact it doesn't even have to be a human.
10 00:00:21,755 00:00:23,624 I can only be me, John. You know that. I can only be me, John. You know that.
11 00:00:23,690 00:00:25,859 Excuse me. Are you John Hunchman? Excuse me. Are you John Hunchman?
12 00:00:25,926 00:00:27,460 ‐I am. ‐Uh, my name's Jenna. ‐I am. ‐Uh, my name's Jenna.
13 00:00:27,528 00:00:28,995 I got your name from Kristen Mills, I got your name from Kristen Mills,
14 00:00:29,062 00:00:30,063 my best friend. my best friend.
15 00:00:30,130 00:00:31,665 You found her missing pom‐poms. You found her missing pom‐poms.
16 00:00:31,732 00:00:35,335 Ah, the mystery of the dumbest cheerleader of all time. Ah, the mystery of the dumbest cheerleader of all time.
17 00:00:35,401 00:00:36,870 ‐Sorry? ‐Uh, nothing. ‐Sorry? ‐Uh, nothing.
18 00:00:36,937 00:00:38,171 Uh, how can we help you? Uh, how can we help you?
19 00:00:38,238 00:00:41,207 My parents make me take piano lessons and‐‐ My parents make me take piano lessons and‐‐
20 00:00:41,274 00:00:42,475 BOTH: You want us to murder your parents. BOTH: You want us to murder your parents.
21 00:00:42,543 00:00:45,178 ‐Uh, I'm afraid we can't. ‐No. ‐Uh, I'm afraid we can't. ‐No.
22 00:00:45,245 00:00:48,181 ‐I want to take piano lessons. ‐What? ‐I want to take piano lessons. ‐What?
23 00:00:48,248 00:00:49,883 (laughs) Then you're dumb. (laughs) Then you're dumb.
24 00:00:49,950 00:00:51,852 I think the man my parents hired I think the man my parents hired
25 00:00:51,918 00:00:53,486 isn't a real piano teacher. isn't a real piano teacher.
26 00:00:53,554 00:00:56,723 ‐Go on. ‐His name is Royce Delorax. ‐Go on. ‐His name is Royce Delorax.
27 00:00:56,790 00:00:57,824 JOHN: Mm‐hmm. JOHN: Mm‐hmm.
28 00:00:57,891 00:00:59,826 ‐(piano keys clunking) ‐Doing great, buddy. ‐(piano keys clunking) ‐Doing great, buddy.
29 00:00:59,893 00:01:02,696 JENNA: He makes me do all this weird stuff to the piano. JENNA: He makes me do all this weird stuff to the piano.
30 00:01:02,763 00:01:05,031 (clattering) (clattering)
31 00:01:05,098 00:01:06,032 This is amazing. Seriously. This is amazing. Seriously.
32 00:01:06,099 00:01:07,568 You outdid yourself. You outdid yourself.
33 00:01:07,634 00:01:09,603 JENNA: MY parents don't care because he told them JENNA: MY parents don't care because he told them
34 00:01:09,670 00:01:10,871 it's "avant‐garde." it's "avant‐garde."
35 00:01:10,937 00:01:12,238 Well, what do you want us to do? Well, what do you want us to do?
36 00:01:12,305 00:01:14,440 I want you to find out if it's real music. I want you to find out if it's real music.
37 00:01:14,508 00:01:16,943 If it's not, I want my parents' money back. If it's not, I want my parents' money back.
38 00:01:17,010 00:01:19,946 Hmm, of course. We'll take the case. Hmm, of course. We'll take the case.
39 00:01:20,013 00:01:20,847 Excuse me. Excuse me.
40 00:01:20,914 00:01:22,916 Uh, we'd better get those CDs to go. Uh, we'd better get those CDs to go.
41 00:01:22,983 00:01:25,919 (exciting music) (exciting music)
42 00:01:25,986 00:01:29,556 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
43 00:01:29,623 00:01:32,158 So how can we figure out if Jenna's teacher is legit? So how can we figure out if Jenna's teacher is legit?
44 00:01:32,225 00:01:34,861 You know, I know a lady who could help us, You know, I know a lady who could help us,
45 00:01:34,928 00:01:37,631 but we would have to bring a lot of singles. but we would have to bring a lot of singles.
46 00:01:37,698 00:01:38,498 Singles? Why? Singles? Why?
47 00:01:38,565 00:01:39,833 Are we going to Players After Dark? Are we going to Players After Dark?
48 00:01:39,900 00:01:41,267 ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Crotches N' Company? ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Crotches N' Company?
49 00:01:41,334 00:01:42,468 ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Wet Spots on Sixth. ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Wet Spots on Sixth.
50 00:01:42,536 00:01:43,637 ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Jay O'Staynes? ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Jay O'Staynes?
51 00:01:43,704 00:01:44,938 ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Lumps Unlimited? ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Lumps Unlimited?
52 00:01:45,005 00:01:46,272 ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Liquid Temptations. ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Liquid Temptations.
53 00:01:46,339 00:01:47,574 ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Squirt City? ‐DAVID: No. ‐JOHN: Squirt City?
54 00:01:47,641 00:01:49,042 ‐DAVID: That closed. ‐JOHN: Dehumanizers! ‐DAVID: That closed. ‐JOHN: Dehumanizers!
55 00:01:49,109 00:01:51,778 Or one of the other local strip clubs that I've read about? Or one of the other local strip clubs that I've read about?
56 00:01:51,845 00:01:53,514 No, just bring dollar bills, all right? No, just bring dollar bills, all right?
57 00:01:53,580 00:01:57,951 Hmm, I always wanted to go to Dehumanizers. Hmm, I always wanted to go to Dehumanizers.
58 00:01:58,018 00:02:00,253 David Purefoy, you've grown. David Purefoy, you've grown.
59 00:02:00,320 00:02:02,288 Are you keeping up with your piano lessons? Are you keeping up with your piano lessons?
60 00:02:02,355 00:02:05,325 No, ma'am, I was seduced by another mistress: No, ma'am, I was seduced by another mistress:
61 00:02:05,391 00:02:07,828 Lady Electric Guitar. Lady Electric Guitar.
62 00:02:07,894 00:02:09,129 ‐Hmm. ‐JOHN: Miss Lee, ‐Hmm. ‐JOHN: Miss Lee,
63 00:02:09,195 00:02:10,931 I can't believe you taught David piano. I can't believe you taught David piano.
64 00:02:10,997 00:02:12,365 Barely. Barely.
65 00:02:12,432 00:02:15,335 What was that awful song you wanted to learn how to play? What was that awful song you wanted to learn how to play?
66 00:02:15,401 00:02:16,737 Oh, "Shredded Humans" by Cannibal Corpse? Oh, "Shredded Humans" by Cannibal Corpse?
67 00:02:16,803 00:02:17,904 Can you imagine? Can you imagine?
68 00:02:17,971 00:02:21,007 I'm teaching Mozart and he's talking about, I'm teaching Mozart and he's talking about,
69 00:02:21,074 00:02:23,910 "I wanna learn Cannibal Corpse where they sing like"... "I wanna learn Cannibal Corpse where they sing like"...
70 00:02:23,977 00:02:25,478 [mimics roaring] [mimics roaring]
71 00:02:25,546 00:02:28,515 Yes, his taste in music is problematic, and guess what? Yes, his taste in music is problematic, and guess what?
72 00:02:28,582 00:02:30,016 He still hasn't learned that song. He still hasn't learned that song.
73 00:02:30,083 00:02:31,084 DAVID: I will, though. DAVID: I will, though.
74 00:02:31,151 00:02:33,086 Well, how can I help you boys? Well, how can I help you boys?
75 00:02:33,153 00:02:35,255 Miss Lee, is there a tradition of musicians Miss Lee, is there a tradition of musicians
76 00:02:35,321 00:02:37,724 doing unusual things to pianos? doing unusual things to pianos?
77 00:02:37,791 00:02:42,195 Hmm, John Cage put nails and screws in the strings. Hmm, John Cage put nails and screws in the strings.
78 00:02:42,262 00:02:44,430 He called it "prepared piano." He called it "prepared piano."
79 00:02:44,497 00:02:45,866 [laughs] Uh‐huh. [laughs] Uh‐huh.
80 00:02:45,932 00:02:48,769 As in, "Be prepared to hear some fucked up piano?" As in, "Be prepared to hear some fucked up piano?"
81 00:02:48,835 00:02:49,970 ‐David! ‐Sorry. ‐David! ‐Sorry.
82 00:02:50,036 00:02:52,372 ‐(sighs) ‐Give me a single. ‐(sighs) ‐Give me a single.
83 00:02:52,438 00:02:55,175 Oh, you know Stockhausen wrote concert pieces Oh, you know Stockhausen wrote concert pieces
84 00:02:55,241 00:02:57,377 where the performer punched the piano. where the performer punched the piano.
85 00:02:57,443 00:02:58,779 ‐Of course! ‐Whoa. ‐Of course! ‐Whoa.
86 00:02:58,845 00:03:01,715 A public transgression of norms surrounding high culture. A public transgression of norms surrounding high culture.
87 00:03:01,782 00:03:03,183 Oh, but mind you, Oh, but mind you,
88 00:03:03,249 00:03:05,986 those composers knew their fundamentals. those composers knew their fundamentals.
89 00:03:06,052 00:03:08,822 Scales, music theory. Scales, music theory.
90 00:03:08,889 00:03:10,757 Remember Proverbs 1:7? Remember Proverbs 1:7?
91 00:03:10,824 00:03:13,193 Fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge Fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge
92 00:03:13,259 00:03:15,662 but fools despise wisdom and instruction. but fools despise wisdom and instruction.
93 00:03:15,729 00:03:17,230 Bible boom. Bible boom.
94 00:03:17,297 00:03:19,199 ‐You give me a dollar. ‐Uh‐uh! ‐You give me a dollar. ‐Uh‐uh!
95 00:03:19,265 00:03:21,668 Wisdom and instruction must come Wisdom and instruction must come
96 00:03:21,735 00:03:23,737 before all that other craziness. before all that other craziness.
97 00:03:23,804 00:03:25,205 What would you have done if you had caught David What would you have done if you had caught David
98 00:03:25,271 00:03:26,339 ‐hitting your piano? ‐Oof. ‐hitting your piano? ‐Oof.
99 00:03:26,406 00:03:27,808 Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
100 00:03:27,874 00:03:30,711 She definitely would have kicked me in these nuts. She definitely would have kicked me in these nuts.
101 00:03:30,777 00:03:31,845 (groans) (groans)
102 00:03:31,912 00:03:35,649 And may I presume one dollar for each nut? And may I presume one dollar for each nut?
103 00:03:38,084 00:03:40,954 ‐For each of these nuts, yes. ‐All right. ‐For each of these nuts, yes. ‐All right.
104 00:03:41,021 00:03:43,824 So when Royce Delorax has his students hit pianos, So when Royce Delorax has his students hit pianos,
105 00:03:43,890 00:03:46,226 he could be operating within the western tradition he could be operating within the western tradition
106 00:03:46,292 00:03:47,994 ‐of experimental music. ‐Oh, please. ‐of experimental music. ‐Oh, please.
107 00:03:48,061 00:03:49,229 He's telling these bougie parents He's telling these bougie parents
108 00:03:49,295 00:03:50,631 that he's gonna make their kids cultured that he's gonna make their kids cultured
109 00:03:50,697 00:03:52,799 and then they just sit around slapping pianos. and then they just sit around slapping pianos.
110 00:03:52,866 00:03:54,935 I bet he doesn't even know how to play piano, man. I bet he doesn't even know how to play piano, man.
111 00:03:55,001 00:03:56,436 ‐He's goofing off. ‐Wait, wait, wait. ‐He's goofing off. ‐Wait, wait, wait.
112 00:03:56,503 00:03:59,405 David, goofing off, or maybe getting off. David, goofing off, or maybe getting off.
113 00:03:59,472 00:04:00,674 (groans) What? (groans) What?
114 00:04:00,741 00:04:03,276 David, it's time we talked to our mystery pianist. David, it's time we talked to our mystery pianist.
115 00:04:03,343 00:04:04,911 ‐(chuckles) ‐No, don't. ‐(chuckles) ‐No, don't.
116 00:04:04,978 00:04:06,012 ‐I know. ‐But dude, ‐I know. ‐But dude,
117 00:04:06,079 00:04:07,213 you know what pianist sounds like, right? you know what pianist sounds like, right?
118 00:04:07,280 00:04:08,348 Yes, I know what it sounds like. Yes, I know what it sounds like.
119 00:04:08,414 00:04:09,650 It sounds like... ♪♪ Penis ♪♪ It sounds like... ♪♪ Penis ♪♪
120 00:04:09,716 00:04:10,984 Yes, you don't need to tell me. Yes, you don't need to tell me.
121 00:04:11,051 00:04:13,319 ‐The best word to say. ‐I'm a‐‐I'm a grown man. ‐The best word to say. ‐I'm a‐‐I'm a grown man.
122 00:04:13,386 00:04:14,688 Okay, you're right. Okay, you're right.
123 00:04:14,755 00:04:16,022 It is time that we talked to our mysterious penis. It is time that we talked to our mysterious penis.
124 00:04:16,089 00:04:17,290 Yeah, good. Let's go. Yeah, good. Let's go.
125 00:04:17,357 00:04:18,191 ‐Our mysterious penis. ‐Yeah, I heard it. ‐Our mysterious penis. ‐Yeah, I heard it.
126 00:04:18,258 00:04:19,526 I heard it. I heard it.
127 00:04:19,593 00:04:21,995 Penis mysteries from the planet Zorkon. Penis mysteries from the planet Zorkon.
128 00:04:24,998 00:04:26,767 Excuse me. Royce Delorax? Excuse me. Royce Delorax?
129 00:04:26,833 00:04:27,834 Um, who are you? Um, who are you?
130 00:04:27,901 00:04:29,435 I'm John Hunchman, Hunchman Investigations. I'm John Hunchman, Hunchman Investigations.
131 00:04:29,503 00:04:30,504 This is my associate, This is my associate,
132 00:04:30,571 00:04:31,772 ‐Mr. Purefoy. ‐What's up? ‐Mr. Purefoy. ‐What's up?
133 00:04:31,838 00:04:33,940 Hmm, sorry. I don't talk to cops. Hmm, sorry. I don't talk to cops.
134 00:04:34,007 00:04:35,308 Well, we're not the police. Well, we're not the police.
135 00:04:35,375 00:04:38,344 I mean C. O. P. S. Creepy old pieces of shit. I mean C. O. P. S. Creepy old pieces of shit.
136 00:04:38,411 00:04:40,480 ‐Whoa. ‐It's an acronym. ‐Whoa. ‐It's an acronym.
137 00:04:40,547 00:04:42,716 I have a facility for wordplay as well as music. I have a facility for wordplay as well as music.
138 00:04:42,783 00:04:45,552 Hmm, IRW. I respect wordplay. Hmm, IRW. I respect wordplay.
139 00:04:45,619 00:04:48,354 Hmm, well, if you'll excuse me, I have a lesson. Hmm, well, if you'll excuse me, I have a lesson.
140 00:04:48,421 00:04:50,223 ‐You're in my way. ‐No, I'm not. ‐You're in my way. ‐No, I'm not.
141 00:04:50,290 00:04:51,858 (groans) Yes, you are. (groans) Yes, you are.
142 00:04:51,925 00:04:54,494 ‐No, I'm not. ‐Move, asshole. ‐No, I'm not. ‐Move, asshole.
143 00:04:54,561 00:04:56,797 ‐I shan't, asshole! ‐Stop it, both of you! ‐I shan't, asshole! ‐Stop it, both of you!
144 00:04:56,863 00:05:00,200 Mr. Delorax, W. A. Y. T. Y. S. T. D. P.? Mr. Delorax, W. A. Y. T. Y. S. T. D. P.?
145 00:05:00,266 00:05:02,503 ‐Whoa, what are you‐‐ ‐Oh, did you miss that one? ‐Whoa, what are you‐‐ ‐Oh, did you miss that one?
146 00:05:02,569 00:05:04,771 Why are you teaching your students to defile pianos? Why are you teaching your students to defile pianos?
147 00:05:04,838 00:05:07,708 ‐Oh, wordplay boom! ‐Defile? ‐Oh, wordplay boom! ‐Defile?
148 00:05:07,774 00:05:09,342 Spoken like a true philistine. Spoken like a true philistine.
149 00:05:09,409 00:05:10,877 ‐Picture it, David. ‐Okay. ‐Picture it, David. ‐Okay.
150 00:05:10,944 00:05:13,279 A young woman sits down at an immaculate piano A young woman sits down at an immaculate piano
151 00:05:13,346 00:05:15,816 and slams her fists into the keys, and slams her fists into the keys,
152 00:05:15,882 00:05:16,950 slaps it, slaps it,
153 00:05:17,017 00:05:19,720 then dumps a bunch of junk into it like John Cage. then dumps a bunch of junk into it like John Cage.
154 00:05:19,786 00:05:21,822 Treats a Steinway concert grand Treats a Steinway concert grand
155 00:05:21,888 00:05:24,324 like a common filthy garbage can. like a common filthy garbage can.
156 00:05:24,390 00:05:25,458 Mmm. Mmm.
157 00:05:25,526 00:05:27,493 You're crazy, the both of you! You're crazy, the both of you!
158 00:05:27,561 00:05:29,262 Now, leave me alone! Now, leave me alone!
159 00:05:29,329 00:05:31,331 That was weird. That was weird.
160 00:05:31,397 00:05:32,833 David, what are you doing on Wednesday night? David, what are you doing on Wednesday night?
161 00:05:32,899 00:05:34,835 I'm watching the game 'cause we're playing Gonzaga. I'm watching the game 'cause we're playing Gonzaga.
162 00:05:34,901 00:05:37,771 Wrong. We're going to a cage match. Wrong. We're going to a cage match.
163 00:05:37,838 00:05:41,575 ‐JOHN: A John Cage match! ‐DAVID: Holy shit! ‐JOHN: A John Cage match! ‐DAVID: Holy shit!
164 00:05:41,642 00:05:43,710 She's a beauty, ain't she? She's a beauty, ain't she?
165 00:05:43,777 00:05:46,346 ‐How much? ‐Just 60 bucks. ‐How much? ‐Just 60 bucks.
166 00:05:46,412 00:05:48,481 ‐Real hickory handle. ‐60 bucks? ‐Real hickory handle. ‐60 bucks?
167 00:05:48,549 00:05:50,116 ‐Goddamn! ‐Whatever. ‐Goddamn! ‐Whatever.
168 00:05:50,183 00:05:51,284 I have my mom's card. I have my mom's card.
169 00:05:51,351 00:05:54,354 Oh, sorry. I meant 75. Oh, sorry. I meant 75.
170 00:05:54,420 00:05:56,790 Say, didn't you buy a hammer from me a couple months ago? Say, didn't you buy a hammer from me a couple months ago?
171 00:05:56,857 00:05:59,459 Yeah, my mom told me to get a new one Yeah, my mom told me to get a new one
172 00:05:59,526 00:06:00,961 for the piano recital. for the piano recital.
173 00:06:01,027 00:06:03,429 ‐Are you building a piano? ‐Smashing it. ‐Are you building a piano? ‐Smashing it.
174 00:06:03,496 00:06:05,431 Oh, this is a great hammer for smashing. Oh, this is a great hammer for smashing.
175 00:06:05,498 00:06:07,768 A steal at $90, which is the actual price. A steal at $90, which is the actual price.
176 00:06:07,834 00:06:11,071 Please disregard all previous prices. Please disregard all previous prices.
177 00:06:11,137 00:06:13,106 You know, you seem pretty chill about letting Mr. Sutton You know, you seem pretty chill about letting Mr. Sutton
178 00:06:13,173 00:06:14,541 overcharge you for that hammer. overcharge you for that hammer.
179 00:06:14,608 00:06:16,342 You know why my mom wanted me to get a new hammer? You know why my mom wanted me to get a new hammer?
180 00:06:16,409 00:06:17,477 ‐ Mm? ‐ No. ‐ Mm? ‐ No.
181 00:06:17,544 00:06:18,979 Because she was at the tennis club Because she was at the tennis club
182 00:06:19,045 00:06:21,782 and Mrs. Colefax was bragging about how she bought Laurie and Mrs. Colefax was bragging about how she bought Laurie
183 00:06:21,848 00:06:23,316 a new hammer for the recital. a new hammer for the recital.
184 00:06:23,383 00:06:25,185 Huh, a classic case of hammer envy. Huh, a classic case of hammer envy.
185 00:06:25,251 00:06:26,386 Oof. Oof.
186 00:06:26,452 00:06:28,789 My mom is worried Laurie Colefax My mom is worried Laurie Colefax
187 00:06:28,855 00:06:30,857 will have a nicer hammer than me, will have a nicer hammer than me,
188 00:06:30,924 00:06:33,760 and then people with think the Colefax's realty business and then people with think the Colefax's realty business
189 00:06:33,827 00:06:36,096 is doing better than my dad's, and then he'll lose clients, is doing better than my dad's, and then he'll lose clients,
190 00:06:36,162 00:06:38,031 and we won't get invited to the mayor's pig‐pick, and we won't get invited to the mayor's pig‐pick,
191 00:06:38,098 00:06:39,766 and everyone in town will hate us. and everyone in town will hate us.
192 00:06:39,833 00:06:41,902 So we gotta go back in time and kill Mrs. Colefax. So we gotta go back in time and kill Mrs. Colefax.
193 00:06:41,968 00:06:43,236 No, David, there is no time travel. No, David, there is no time travel.
194 00:06:43,303 00:06:44,538 Yeah, there is. I saw one. Yeah, there is. I saw one.
195 00:06:44,605 00:06:48,174 All I wanted was to learn how to play 21 Pilots! All I wanted was to learn how to play 21 Pilots!
196 00:06:48,241 00:06:50,677 Is that so bad? Is that so bad?
197 00:06:50,744 00:06:52,078 ‐Yes. ‐We get your point. ‐Yes. ‐We get your point.
198 00:06:52,145 00:06:54,480 I gotta get home so my mom can post a picture I gotta get home so my mom can post a picture
199 00:06:54,548 00:06:56,650 of this dumb hammer on her Facebook. of this dumb hammer on her Facebook.
200 00:06:56,717 00:06:57,951 Right, we'll see you at the recital. Right, we'll see you at the recital.
201 00:06:58,018 00:07:01,454 Oh, you know tickets are $20, right? Oh, you know tickets are $20, right?
202 00:07:01,522 00:07:03,690 Whoa, there's a cover charge for this thing? Whoa, there's a cover charge for this thing?
203 00:07:03,757 00:07:05,491 For everyone. We have to pay, too. For everyone. We have to pay, too.
204 00:07:05,559 00:07:07,828 You have to pay to play in your own recital? You have to pay to play in your own recital?
205 00:07:07,894 00:07:09,329 Where does all the money go? Where does all the money go?
206 00:07:09,395 00:07:13,133 Royce says it goes into an artistic integrity fund, Royce says it goes into an artistic integrity fund,
207 00:07:13,199 00:07:14,167 whatever that is. whatever that is.
208 00:07:14,234 00:07:15,536 ‐Hmm. ‐Okay. ‐Hmm. ‐Okay.
209 00:07:15,602 00:07:17,003 Well, see you. Well, see you.
210 00:07:17,070 00:07:19,673 Parents are really judging each other over whose kid Parents are really judging each other over whose kid
211 00:07:19,740 00:07:21,374 has the most glamorous hammer. has the most glamorous hammer.
212 00:07:21,441 00:07:22,976 This is a new world, bro. This is a new world, bro.
213 00:07:23,043 00:07:23,810 When we were young, When we were young,
214 00:07:23,877 00:07:24,978 parents just judged each other parents just judged each other
215 00:07:25,045 00:07:26,112 by how well their kids played piano. by how well their kids played piano.
216 00:07:26,179 00:07:27,413 Exactly. Exactly.
217 00:07:27,480 00:07:29,349 Can you play the notes on this piece of paper or not? Can you play the notes on this piece of paper or not?
218 00:07:29,415 00:07:31,184 And if you can't, you are a fraud. And if you can't, you are a fraud.
219 00:07:31,251 00:07:33,086 Exactly. David, that's it. Exactly. David, that's it.
220 00:07:33,153 00:07:34,555 It is? It is?
221 00:07:34,621 00:07:37,524 (piano notes clanging) (piano notes clanging)
222 00:07:37,591 00:07:43,263 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
223 00:07:43,329 00:07:45,766 (applause) (applause)
224 00:07:45,832 00:07:47,801 Jasmine, ladies and gentlemen. Jasmine, ladies and gentlemen.
225 00:07:47,868 00:07:50,103 Wasn't she exquisite? Wasn't she exquisite?
226 00:07:50,170 00:07:52,338 Next up, Jenna. Next up, Jenna.
227 00:07:52,405 00:07:54,240 Go on, Jenna! Show them your hammer! Go on, Jenna! Show them your hammer!
228 00:07:54,307 00:07:55,976 This is ridiculous. This is ridiculous.
229 00:07:56,042 00:07:57,110 I don't want to. I don't want to.
230 00:07:57,177 00:07:59,546 Jenna, damn it, I paid for those lessons! Jenna, damn it, I paid for those lessons!
231 00:07:59,613 00:08:01,582 ‐JOHN: Jenna, don't do it! ‐(all gasping) ‐JOHN: Jenna, don't do it! ‐(all gasping)
232 00:08:01,648 00:08:02,949 I'm sorry we're late. I'm sorry we're late.
233 00:08:03,016 00:08:04,484 He wanted to watch the game, and I don't drive. He wanted to watch the game, and I don't drive.
234 00:08:04,551 00:08:06,787 Oh, um, well, well, well. Oh, um, well, well, well.
235 00:08:06,853 00:08:10,256 If it isn't Inspector Fudge It and Magnum B. O. If it isn't Inspector Fudge It and Magnum B. O.
236 00:08:10,323 00:08:11,291 (sniffing) (sniffing)
237 00:08:11,357 00:08:12,893 You're interrupting our recital. You're interrupting our recital.
238 00:08:12,959 00:08:13,927 WOMAN: Yeah! WOMAN: Yeah!
239 00:08:13,994 00:08:14,995 FATHER: Now, did they buy a ticket? FATHER: Now, did they buy a ticket?
240 00:08:15,061 00:08:16,797 Oh, I apologize. Oh, I apologize.
241 00:08:16,863 00:08:19,365 Why don't you play, Mr. Delorax? Why don't you play, Mr. Delorax?
242 00:08:19,432 00:08:22,168 Oh, tonight isn't about me. Oh, tonight isn't about me.
243 00:08:22,235 00:08:24,170 It's about my students. It's about my students.
244 00:08:24,237 00:08:27,941 Oh, but these good people paid $20 a ticket. Oh, but these good people paid $20 a ticket.
245 00:08:28,008 00:08:31,077 I'm sure they'd love to hear the maestro. I'm sure they'd love to hear the maestro.
246 00:08:31,144 00:08:33,313 ‐WOMAN: Yeah! ‐MAN: That sounds important. ‐WOMAN: Yeah! ‐MAN: That sounds important.
247 00:08:33,379 00:08:34,915 Oh, fine. Oh, fine.
248 00:08:34,981 00:08:39,720 Um, this, uh, is, uh, "Study in J‐Minor Fifth" Um, this, uh, is, uh, "Study in J‐Minor Fifth"
249 00:08:39,786 00:08:42,388 by Johan Megonzaga. by Johan Megonzaga.
250 00:08:42,455 00:08:45,225 (piano notes clunking) (piano notes clunking)
251 00:08:45,291 00:08:47,828 (applause) (applause)
252 00:08:47,894 00:08:49,630 LEE: What about your fundamentals? LEE: What about your fundamentals?
253 00:08:49,696 00:08:51,798 FATHER: Now, did she buy a ticket? FATHER: Now, did she buy a ticket?
254 00:08:51,865 00:08:54,200 Young man, can you play a scale? Young man, can you play a scale?
255 00:08:54,267 00:08:56,703 Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
256 00:08:56,770 00:08:59,506 Um, erm, well, I will do something better. Um, erm, well, I will do something better.
257 00:08:59,573 00:09:00,974 (strokes piano keys) (strokes piano keys)
258 00:09:01,041 00:09:03,677 That happened to be all the scales. That happened to be all the scales.
259 00:09:03,744 00:09:05,546 ‐(all oohing) ‐(applause) ‐(all oohing) ‐(applause)
260 00:09:05,612 00:09:06,747 MAN: I'm convinced. MAN: I'm convinced.
261 00:09:06,813 00:09:08,749 LEE: How about this? Can you play this? LEE: How about this? Can you play this?
262 00:09:08,815 00:09:11,818 Um, of course I cou‐‐ oh, finger cramp! Um, of course I cou‐‐ oh, finger cramp!
263 00:09:11,885 00:09:14,721 ‐Call 911! ‐Ladies and gentlemen, ‐Call 911! ‐Ladies and gentlemen,
264 00:09:14,788 00:09:17,691 this man doesn't know how to play the piano. this man doesn't know how to play the piano.
265 00:09:17,758 00:09:19,926 What? Now I don't know what to believe! What? Now I don't know what to believe!
266 00:09:19,993 00:09:22,495 And so we are left with two possibilities. And so we are left with two possibilities.
267 00:09:22,563 00:09:25,465 Either he's sexually aroused by young women Either he's sexually aroused by young women
268 00:09:25,532 00:09:27,200 ‐defiling pianos‐‐ ‐(all groaning) ‐defiling pianos‐‐ ‐(all groaning)
269 00:09:27,267 00:09:28,201 WOMAN: Yikes. WOMAN: Yikes.
270 00:09:28,268 00:09:29,503 A fetish he films and distributes online, A fetish he films and distributes online,
271 00:09:29,570 00:09:31,371 which I can't confirm yet because the Wi‐Fi which I can't confirm yet because the Wi‐Fi
272 00:09:31,437 00:09:32,606 on my house boat is spotty. on my house boat is spotty.
273 00:09:32,673 00:09:35,075 That's too dark. What's the other possibility? That's too dark. What's the other possibility?
274 00:09:35,141 00:09:38,444 Or he's exploiting your ignorance to make money Or he's exploiting your ignorance to make money
275 00:09:38,512 00:09:41,281 by pretending to teach your kids avant‐garde music by pretending to teach your kids avant‐garde music
276 00:09:41,347 00:09:44,785 and trusting you're too dumb to figure it out. and trusting you're too dumb to figure it out.
277 00:09:44,851 00:09:46,553 ‐MAN: Wow. ‐Whoa. ‐MAN: Wow. ‐Whoa.
278 00:09:46,620 00:09:49,022 So you're either a creep or a scam artist? So you're either a creep or a scam artist?
279 00:09:49,089 00:09:51,525 MAN: If you're both, I hope you run for president. MAN: If you're both, I hope you run for president.
280 00:09:51,592 00:09:52,859 These men are lying! These men are lying!
281 00:09:52,926 00:09:55,929 They're TFOS! Totally full of shit! They're TFOS! Totally full of shit!
282 00:09:55,996 00:09:57,063 Ah, yes. Ah, yes.
283 00:09:57,130 00:10:00,000 Your facility for word play? (chuckles) Your facility for word play? (chuckles)
284 00:10:00,066 00:10:02,168 Royce Delorax, now that's a weird name. Royce Delorax, now that's a weird name.
285 00:10:02,235 00:10:06,139 Did you know it's also an anagram for Corey Axelrod? Did you know it's also an anagram for Corey Axelrod?
286 00:10:06,206 00:10:09,175 And Corey Axelrod has outstanding warrants. And Corey Axelrod has outstanding warrants.
287 00:10:09,242 00:10:10,476 Wire fraud, Wire fraud,
288 00:10:10,544 00:10:12,713 and for ejaculating into a baby grand and for ejaculating into a baby grand
289 00:10:12,779 00:10:15,015 in a San Diego piano showroom. in a San Diego piano showroom.
290 00:10:15,081 00:10:18,118 ‐MAN: Nasty. ‐Homeboy jizzed on a Steinway. ‐MAN: Nasty. ‐Homeboy jizzed on a Steinway.
291 00:10:18,184 00:10:22,422 Oh, I guess my name wordplay was TCBH. Oh, I guess my name wordplay was TCBH.
292 00:10:22,488 00:10:24,725 Too clever by half, yes. Too clever by half, yes.
293 00:10:24,791 00:10:26,760 Wordplay usually is. Wordplay usually is.
294 00:10:26,827 00:10:28,929 Now we call 911. Now we call 911.
295 00:10:28,995 00:10:31,031 (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause)
296 00:10:31,097 00:10:34,367 ‐(indistinct radio chatter) ‐(crashing) ‐(indistinct radio chatter) ‐(crashing)
297 00:10:34,434 00:10:35,802 Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys.
298 00:10:35,869 00:10:39,405 Now maybe my parents will pay for real piano lessons. Now maybe my parents will pay for real piano lessons.
299 00:10:39,472 00:10:42,375 ‐Arch your fingers, David. ‐My fingers are arched. ‐Arch your fingers, David. ‐My fingers are arched.
300 00:10:42,442 00:10:44,545 Ah, Miss Lee, why don't you teach Jenna? Ah, Miss Lee, why don't you teach Jenna?
301 00:10:44,611 00:10:45,979 (gasps) Please? (gasps) Please?
302 00:10:46,046 00:10:47,814 Mm‐mmm. I'm retired. Mm‐mmm. I'm retired.
303 00:10:47,881 00:10:50,884 ‐Plus she's a total fascist. ‐Shut your fucking mouth! ‐Plus she's a total fascist. ‐Shut your fucking mouth!
304 00:10:50,951 00:10:52,485 ‐Oh, ow! ‐(piano keys clunk) ‐Oh, ow! ‐(piano keys clunk)
305 00:10:52,553 00:10:55,188 I owe you a dollar. I owe you a dollar.
306 00:10:55,255 00:10:58,324 In this episode you saw footage of a prepared piano In this episode you saw footage of a prepared piano
307 00:10:58,391 00:11:00,827 modified under professional supervision. modified under professional supervision.
308 00:11:00,894 00:11:02,062 That's right, David. That's right, David.
309 00:11:02,128 00:11:04,464 Kids, do not attempt to modify your own piano. Kids, do not attempt to modify your own piano.
310 00:11:04,531 00:11:05,599 You could damage it. You could damage it.
311 00:11:05,666 00:11:07,701 Remember, if you damage a piano, Remember, if you damage a piano,
312 00:11:07,768 00:11:10,604 Billy Joel will kill you with a dart dipped in divorce. Billy Joel will kill you with a dart dipped in divorce.
313 00:11:10,671 00:11:12,272 It's happened. It's happened.