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1 | 00:00:24,691 | 00:00:26,443 | All right, thank you. | All right, thank you. |
2 | 00:00:27,236 | 00:00:29,071 | Thank you very much. How are you? | Thank you very much. How are you? |
3 | 00:00:30,072 | 00:00:31,281 | How's it going? | How's it going? |
4 | 00:00:33,659 | 00:00:35,369 | Thank you, thank you, thank you. | Thank you, thank you, thank you. |
5 | 00:00:36,453 | 00:00:37,871 | Nice to be here. | Nice to be here. |
6 | 00:00:38,580 | 00:00:40,541 | Nice to be here. Thank you. | Nice to be here. Thank you. |
7 | 00:00:40,624 | 00:00:43,168 | I appreciate it. Let's see if I'm funny first. | I appreciate it. Let's see if I'm funny first. |
8 | 00:00:43,919 | 00:00:45,295 | Let's see if I'm funny. | Let's see if I'm funny. |
9 | 00:00:45,379 | 00:00:47,673 | Nice to be here in Nashville. | Nice to be here in Nashville. |
10 | 00:00:47,756 | 00:00:50,801 | Look at me. I went out and got myself a cowboy shirt. | Look at me. I went out and got myself a cowboy shirt. |
11 | 00:00:50,884 | 00:00:52,010 | Right? | Right? |
12 | 00:00:52,511 | 00:00:53,887 | To fit in with all you guys | To fit in with all you guys |
13 | 00:00:53,971 | 00:00:55,764 | coming in from your ranches. | coming in from your ranches. |
14 | 00:00:55,847 | 00:00:57,349 | Huh? | Huh? |
15 | 00:00:57,432 | 00:00:58,892 | Living out there in the barns. | Living out there in the barns. |
16 | 00:00:58,976 | 00:01:00,227 | Is this what you're doing? | Is this what you're doing? |
17 | 00:01:02,145 | 00:01:04,523 | You're like, "I'm working on an app, okay?" | You're like, "I'm working on an app, okay?" |
18 | 00:01:05,649 | 00:01:07,150 | "To launch this website." | "To launch this website." |
19 | 00:01:08,777 | 00:01:09,778 | Um... | Um... |
20 | 00:01:10,737 | 00:01:12,698 | Oh, shit. What a fucked-up time this is, huh? | Oh, shit. What a fucked-up time this is, huh? |
21 | 00:01:13,198 | 00:01:16,159 | It's so weird to tape a special right before a presidential election, | It's so weird to tape a special right before a presidential election, |
22 | 00:01:16,243 | 00:01:17,744 | especially one like this. | especially one like this. |
23 | 00:01:17,828 | 00:01:20,539 | Like, this is literally, like, "What is going to happen?" | Like, this is literally, like, "What is going to happen?" |
24 | 00:01:21,832 | 00:01:25,669 | You know? How the fuck did we end up with these two? Jesus Christ. | You know? How the fuck did we end up with these two? Jesus Christ. |
25 | 00:01:25,752 | 00:01:28,046 | This is like the first week of American Idol. | This is like the first week of American Idol. |
26 | 00:01:28,547 | 00:01:31,758 | You know? It's like, "Really? This is what I got?" | You know? It's like, "Really? This is what I got?" |
27 | 00:01:32,968 | 00:01:35,053 | "Take his coat! Take his coat!" | "Take his coat! Take his coat!" |
28 | 00:01:37,055 | 00:01:39,141 | Whatever the hell she's doing. You know? | Whatever the hell she's doing. You know? |
29 | 00:01:40,726 | 00:01:44,813 | It's unbelievable. You've either got a racist dope or, like, the devil. | It's unbelievable. You've either got a racist dope or, like, the devil. |
30 | 00:01:45,397 | 00:01:47,024 | Like, that's the choices. | Like, that's the choices. |
31 | 00:01:49,234 | 00:01:51,945 | "I just walk up and grab it! I just grab it!" | "I just walk up and grab it! I just grab it!" |
32 | 00:01:54,364 | 00:01:55,365 | All right. | All right. |
33 | 00:01:56,617 | 00:01:57,743 | Is that what you do? | Is that what you do? |
34 | 00:01:59,369 | 00:02:01,455 | Fucking lunatic. "I'm gonna build a wall. | Fucking lunatic. "I'm gonna build a wall. |
35 | 00:02:01,538 | 00:02:02,748 | I'm gonna build a wall." | I'm gonna build a wall." |
36 | 00:02:03,790 | 00:02:07,294 | I love people thinking he's actually gonna do that. Really? Are you gonna do that? | I love people thinking he's actually gonna do that. Really? Are you gonna do that? |
37 | 00:02:07,377 | 00:02:10,172 | You're gonna build a wall from fucking California to Texas? | You're gonna build a wall from fucking California to Texas? |
38 | 00:02:10,255 | 00:02:11,340 | You're gonna do this? | You're gonna do this? |
39 | 00:02:12,174 | 00:02:13,634 | Have you ever done that drive? | Have you ever done that drive? |
40 | 00:02:14,551 | 00:02:16,011 | Because I've done that drive. | Because I've done that drive. |
41 | 00:02:16,595 | 00:02:19,097 | Took the 10 East out of Los Angeles. | Took the 10 East out of Los Angeles. |
42 | 00:02:19,181 | 00:02:22,225 | That is a two-day drive, 80 miles an hour. | That is a two-day drive, 80 miles an hour. |
43 | 00:02:26,063 | 00:02:27,481 | Just wall, wall, wall. | Just wall, wall, wall. |
44 | 00:02:27,564 | 00:02:29,650 | You're in there like John Goodman | You're in there like John Goodman |
45 | 00:02:29,733 | 00:02:30,817 | in Raising Arizona... | in Raising Arizona... |
46 | 00:02:31,818 | 00:02:32,736 | just driving. | just driving. |
47 | 00:02:33,528 | 00:02:35,072 | Like, how many times | Like, how many times |
48 | 00:02:35,155 | 00:02:37,407 | are you gonna go to Home Depot | are you gonna go to Home Depot |
49 | 00:02:37,491 | 00:02:38,617 | to build this thing? | to build this thing? |
50 | 00:02:39,117 | 00:02:42,079 | You actually think you're gonna get this done? | You actually think you're gonna get this done? |
51 | 00:02:42,704 | 00:02:43,789 | Look at the Freedom Tower. | Look at the Freedom Tower. |
52 | 00:02:43,872 | 00:02:45,707 | We actually wanted that shit | We actually wanted that shit |
53 | 00:02:45,791 | 00:02:48,168 | and it took almost 15 years to get it done. | and it took almost 15 years to get it done. |
54 | 00:02:48,835 | 00:02:51,463 | Half the people don't even want this fucking thing. | Half the people don't even want this fucking thing. |
55 | 00:02:52,130 | 00:02:54,257 | I'm telling you, by the time they've finished it, | I'm telling you, by the time they've finished it, |
56 | 00:02:54,341 | 00:02:57,803 | this country will be so fucked up, we're gonna be the ones going over it. | this country will be so fucked up, we're gonna be the ones going over it. |
57 | 00:02:59,513 | 00:03:01,932 | "Dude, they got... they got real sugar!" | "Dude, they got... they got real sugar!" |
58 | 00:03:04,267 | 00:03:05,977 | "They got real sugar in their Coke!" | "They got real sugar in their Coke!" |
59 | 00:03:06,686 | 00:03:07,854 | "I heard, on the other side, | "I heard, on the other side, |
60 | 00:03:07,938 | 00:03:11,066 | the Orange Crush tastes like it did in 1978." | the Orange Crush tastes like it did in 1978." |
61 | 00:03:12,859 | 00:03:16,029 | Remember that two-year period when it was actually delicious? | Remember that two-year period when it was actually delicious? |
62 | 00:03:16,113 | 00:03:18,698 | Yeah. So you've got him and then you've got Hillary. | Yeah. So you've got him and then you've got Hillary. |
63 | 00:03:18,782 | 00:03:20,951 | Hillary's just like a made guy. | Hillary's just like a made guy. |
64 | 00:03:21,034 | 00:03:22,411 | Just a made-fucking-guy. | Just a made-fucking-guy. |
65 | 00:03:22,494 | 00:03:26,540 | Everybody thinks, like, you know, she dresses like a real-estate agent. | Everybody thinks, like, you know, she dresses like a real-estate agent. |
66 | 00:03:26,623 | 00:03:28,500 | You know? Nothing to worry about. | You know? Nothing to worry about. |
67 | 00:03:28,583 | 00:03:30,585 | She's a fucking made guy. | She's a fucking made guy. |
68 | 00:03:30,669 | 00:03:32,587 | She's gonna give 'em the wars, | She's gonna give 'em the wars, |
69 | 00:03:32,671 | 00:03:35,090 | she's gonna microchip the babies, | she's gonna microchip the babies, |
70 | 00:03:35,173 | 00:03:36,299 | phase out the cash. | phase out the cash. |
71 | 00:03:36,383 | 00:03:40,178 | She's not gonna do it, but she's gonna keep steering it in that direction. | She's not gonna do it, but she's gonna keep steering it in that direction. |
72 | 00:03:40,262 | 00:03:43,181 | Privatizing water. Water's not a basic human right. | Privatizing water. Water's not a basic human right. |
73 | 00:03:43,265 | 00:03:44,266 | She's gonna... | She's gonna... |
74 | 00:03:44,850 | 00:03:46,768 | go through the whole fucking thing, | go through the whole fucking thing, |
75 | 00:03:46,852 | 00:03:49,521 | that psycho fucking thing that you do | that psycho fucking thing that you do |
76 | 00:03:49,604 | 00:03:51,314 | when you go after that kind of power. | when you go after that kind of power. |
77 | 00:03:51,398 | 00:03:54,985 | You've got to put it all over here in a little box, all your evil, | You've got to put it all over here in a little box, all your evil, |
78 | 00:03:55,068 | 00:03:57,237 | as you're just sitting there, fucking smiling, | as you're just sitting there, fucking smiling, |
79 | 00:03:57,320 | 00:03:58,989 | knowing what's really going on. | knowing what's really going on. |
80 | 00:03:59,823 | 00:04:01,867 | As you're talking to Joe Sixpack. | As you're talking to Joe Sixpack. |
81 | 00:04:01,950 | 00:04:04,786 | He puts his pants on one leg at a time. | He puts his pants on one leg at a time. |
82 | 00:04:07,330 | 00:04:08,665 | No, it's so fucking, you know... | No, it's so fucking, you know... |
83 | 00:04:10,333 | 00:04:11,752 | It's unreal. Like, I don't know... | It's unreal. Like, I don't know... |
84 | 00:04:12,753 | 00:04:14,629 | These are the two worst choices ever. | These are the two worst choices ever. |
85 | 00:04:15,797 | 00:04:19,009 | Trump, if he wasn't... if he wasn't so fucking racist... | Trump, if he wasn't... if he wasn't so fucking racist... |
86 | 00:04:19,593 | 00:04:22,387 | If he wasn't so racist... I can deal with the pussy-grabbing. | If he wasn't so racist... I can deal with the pussy-grabbing. |
87 | 00:04:22,471 | 00:04:23,722 | That's not in my world. | That's not in my world. |
88 | 00:04:24,639 | 00:04:27,517 | I'm selfish, like every other voter, all right? | I'm selfish, like every other voter, all right? |
89 | 00:04:28,226 | 00:04:30,729 | If he wasn't so fucking racist... | If he wasn't so fucking racist... |
90 | 00:04:31,605 | 00:04:33,565 | he would actually scare me a little less, | he would actually scare me a little less, |
91 | 00:04:33,648 | 00:04:35,817 | because he's so obviously a dope. | because he's so obviously a dope. |
92 | 00:04:35,901 | 00:04:38,403 | He's so dumb, I don't think he could get away with anything. | He's so dumb, I don't think he could get away with anything. |
93 | 00:04:38,487 | 00:04:39,738 | You know what he reminds me of? | You know what he reminds me of? |
94 | 00:04:39,821 | 00:04:41,281 | Have you ever watched Law & Order | Have you ever watched Law & Order |
95 | 00:04:41,364 | 00:04:45,035 | and they make an arrest, like, within the first 15 minutes, you know, | and they make an arrest, like, within the first 15 minutes, you know, |
96 | 00:04:45,118 | 00:04:47,287 | and they're trying to get you to think, "We got him!" | and they're trying to get you to think, "We got him!" |
97 | 00:04:47,370 | 00:04:50,540 | You're just looking at your watch. "There's no way this guy did this shit." | You're just looking at your watch. "There's no way this guy did this shit." |
98 | 00:04:51,958 | 00:04:54,336 | "There's, like, another 45 minutes left." | "There's, like, another 45 minutes left." |
99 | 00:04:55,128 | 00:04:56,671 | "This can't be the guy. | "This can't be the guy. |
100 | 00:04:56,755 | 00:04:57,964 | Who's the real guy?" | Who's the real guy?" |
101 | 00:04:59,424 | 00:05:02,302 | And that's when fucking Hillary, she fucking comes walking in. | And that's when fucking Hillary, she fucking comes walking in. |
102 | 00:05:03,428 | 00:05:05,806 | Yeah, she goes to those Bilderberg meetings, you know, | Yeah, she goes to those Bilderberg meetings, you know, |
103 | 00:05:05,889 | 00:05:08,517 | where they dress up like pheasants and they fuck each other. | where they dress up like pheasants and they fuck each other. |
104 | 00:05:08,600 | 00:05:09,601 | Right? | Right? |
105 | 00:05:10,227 | 00:05:12,729 | Sacrifice some employee from a Best Buy. | Sacrifice some employee from a Best Buy. |
106 | 00:05:14,314 | 00:05:16,483 | Fight over his name tag for a trophy. | Fight over his name tag for a trophy. |
107 | 00:05:16,566 | 00:05:17,567 | Right? | Right? |
108 | 00:05:20,278 | 00:05:22,697 | Who do you pick? I've got no idea. | Who do you pick? I've got no idea. |
109 | 00:05:22,781 | 00:05:25,700 | So I've just been, like, regressing. I can't deal with this shit. | So I've just been, like, regressing. I can't deal with this shit. |
110 | 00:05:25,784 | 00:05:27,202 | I just want to hit pause. | I just want to hit pause. |
111 | 00:05:27,285 | 00:05:30,372 | I don't want this election to fucking happen, so I've just been regressing, | I don't want this election to fucking happen, so I've just been regressing, |
112 | 00:05:30,455 | 00:05:34,209 | and I'm just watching the dumbest shit I possibly can. | and I'm just watching the dumbest shit I possibly can. |
113 | 00:05:34,292 | 00:05:35,544 | You know, morning time, | You know, morning time, |
114 | 00:05:35,627 | 00:05:38,547 | those stupid talk shows to get soccer moms' day started. | those stupid talk shows to get soccer moms' day started. |
115 | 00:05:39,047 | 00:05:41,591 | You know, they have all those non-thinking stories. | You know, they have all those non-thinking stories. |
116 | 00:05:41,675 | 00:05:43,635 | "You love him. He's your best friend. | "You love him. He's your best friend. |
117 | 00:05:43,718 | 00:05:44,928 | But did you ever wonder, | But did you ever wonder, |
118 | 00:05:45,011 | 00:05:48,306 | what does your dog do when you're not home?" | what does your dog do when you're not home?" |
119 | 00:05:49,099 | 00:05:51,434 | "The next video may surprise you." | "The next video may surprise you." |
120 | 00:05:51,518 | 00:05:55,397 | And I just... "Fill it up! Fill up my brain with this dumb shit! | And I just... "Fill it up! Fill up my brain with this dumb shit! |
121 | 00:05:55,480 | 00:05:57,941 | I don't want to deal with what's really going on." | I don't want to deal with what's really going on." |
122 | 00:05:58,692 | 00:06:01,528 | "Nationwide heroin epidemic? Fuck that!" | "Nationwide heroin epidemic? Fuck that!" |
123 | 00:06:02,279 | 00:06:04,114 | "It's National Taco Day. | "It's National Taco Day. |
124 | 00:06:04,197 | 00:06:06,700 | We've got Tony from Tony's Taco. | We've got Tony from Tony's Taco. |
125 | 00:06:06,783 | 00:06:10,120 | Tony, what is it that makes a great taco?" | Tony, what is it that makes a great taco?" |
126 | 00:06:10,620 | 00:06:13,123 | "Well, it's all about starting out with the tortilla." | "Well, it's all about starting out with the tortilla." |
127 | 00:06:13,748 | 00:06:17,002 | Like, watching them making pancakes and all that shit. | Like, watching them making pancakes and all that shit. |
128 | 00:06:17,544 | 00:06:20,213 | Talking to the ladies, talking about body issues. | Talking to the ladies, talking about body issues. |
129 | 00:06:20,297 | 00:06:21,756 | They always talk about body issues. | They always talk about body issues. |
130 | 00:06:21,840 | 00:06:24,718 | That's the dumbest one ever, when they talk about Hollywood. | That's the dumbest one ever, when they talk about Hollywood. |
131 | 00:06:24,801 | 00:06:29,306 | "Hollywood, they create these impossible body images. Blah-blah-blah." | "Hollywood, they create these impossible body images. Blah-blah-blah." |
132 | 00:06:29,389 | 00:06:32,183 | You know, that whole thing. The plus-size actress. | You know, that whole thing. The plus-size actress. |
133 | 00:06:32,267 | 00:06:33,268 | Right? | Right? |
134 | 00:06:33,351 | 00:06:34,519 | The fatties. | The fatties. |
135 | 00:06:35,020 | 00:06:37,188 | You know? That's like a big thing. | You know? That's like a big thing. |
136 | 00:06:37,272 | 00:06:39,649 | They're sick of being treated like fat people. | They're sick of being treated like fat people. |
137 | 00:06:40,358 | 00:06:41,443 | I don't know what it is. | I don't know what it is. |
138 | 00:06:41,526 | 00:06:44,821 | They're going on the cover of magazines now, just showing how fat they are, | They're going on the cover of magazines now, just showing how fat they are, |
139 | 00:06:44,904 | 00:06:48,241 | wearing a little amount of clothes, and everybody's, like, hyping 'em up. | wearing a little amount of clothes, and everybody's, like, hyping 'em up. |
140 | 00:06:48,325 | 00:06:50,702 | Like, "Oh, my God. That's so brave! | Like, "Oh, my God. That's so brave! |
141 | 00:06:50,785 | 00:06:52,704 | That's so courageous!" | That's so courageous!" |
142 | 00:06:53,413 | 00:06:55,582 | I'm not saying it doesn't take balls, | I'm not saying it doesn't take balls, |
143 | 00:06:55,665 | 00:06:57,626 | but that's a bit of an overreach | but that's a bit of an overreach |
144 | 00:06:57,709 | 00:07:00,211 | with the word "brave," right? | with the word "brave," right? |
145 | 00:07:01,046 | 00:07:04,507 | Like, what am I supposed to do if I ever see a fireman running out of a building | Like, what am I supposed to do if I ever see a fireman running out of a building |
146 | 00:07:04,591 | 00:07:06,176 | carrying a baby and an old lady? | carrying a baby and an old lady? |
147 | 00:07:06,259 | 00:07:08,678 | Am I gonna sit there like, "Oh, my God! | Am I gonna sit there like, "Oh, my God! |
148 | 00:07:08,762 | 00:07:10,805 | You're like a fat actress | You're like a fat actress |
149 | 00:07:10,889 | 00:07:12,724 | that takes her shirt off | that takes her shirt off |
150 | 00:07:12,807 | 00:07:14,601 | to do a magazine shoot | to do a magazine shoot |
151 | 00:07:14,684 | 00:07:16,394 | to promote the movie she's in"? | to promote the movie she's in"? |
152 | 00:07:19,648 | 00:07:23,485 | Now, look, I know you're not supposed to make fun of fat people. | Now, look, I know you're not supposed to make fun of fat people. |
153 | 00:07:23,568 | 00:07:25,278 | I understand, all right? | I understand, all right? |
154 | 00:07:25,362 | 00:07:26,696 | I don't know why, though. | I don't know why, though. |
155 | 00:07:28,865 | 00:07:32,118 | Why? They're not a race, they're not a religion. | Why? They're not a race, they're not a religion. |
156 | 00:07:32,202 | 00:07:33,662 | It's totally curable. | It's totally curable. |
157 | 00:07:34,162 | 00:07:37,457 | Eat an apple and go for a walk, you know? | Eat an apple and go for a walk, you know? |
158 | 00:07:37,958 | 00:07:40,794 | Why are you yelling at everybody else? | Why are you yelling at everybody else? |
159 | 00:07:41,711 | 00:07:43,713 | What the fuck are you giving me shit for? | What the fuck are you giving me shit for? |
160 | 00:07:43,797 | 00:07:45,924 | All right? You put the cookies in there! | All right? You put the cookies in there! |
161 | 00:07:46,007 | 00:07:47,008 | I didn't! | I didn't! |
162 | 00:07:47,801 | 00:07:49,511 | How is this my problem? | How is this my problem? |
163 | 00:07:51,221 | 00:07:55,016 | Jesus Christ! You ate your way in, you can walk your way out. | Jesus Christ! You ate your way in, you can walk your way out. |
164 | 00:07:55,517 | 00:07:58,979 | All right? And just slowly start shedding the pounds. | All right? And just slowly start shedding the pounds. |
165 | 00:07:59,062 | 00:08:01,898 | Shove some fucking lettuce in there | Shove some fucking lettuce in there |
166 | 00:08:01,982 | 00:08:03,483 | instead of a bunch of Ho Hos | instead of a bunch of Ho Hos |
167 | 00:08:03,566 | 00:08:05,443 | and it's gonna come down, | and it's gonna come down, |
168 | 00:08:05,527 | 00:08:07,529 | and then you're on my side of the fence, right? | and then you're on my side of the fence, right? |
169 | 00:08:07,612 | 00:08:09,155 | Join me. Come on, say it with me. | Join me. Come on, say it with me. |
170 | 00:08:09,239 | 00:08:11,866 | Shame! Shame! | Shame! Shame! |
171 | 00:08:12,742 | 00:08:13,618 | Right? | Right? |
172 | 00:08:15,829 | 00:08:17,539 | I know you're not supposed to shame. | I know you're not supposed to shame. |
173 | 00:08:17,622 | 00:08:19,249 | You're not supposed to fat-shame, | You're not supposed to fat-shame, |
174 | 00:08:19,332 | 00:08:21,084 | you're not supposed to slut-shame. | you're not supposed to slut-shame. |
175 | 00:08:21,626 | 00:08:23,211 | They're, like, shaming shaming. | They're, like, shaming shaming. |
176 | 00:08:23,878 | 00:08:26,131 | People aren't supposed to walk around with any shame. | People aren't supposed to walk around with any shame. |
177 | 00:08:26,214 | 00:08:29,718 | It's a legitimate human emotion, but you're not supposed to feel it at all. | It's a legitimate human emotion, but you're not supposed to feel it at all. |
178 | 00:08:29,801 | 00:08:32,345 | You're supposed to just walk around like a dictator. | You're supposed to just walk around like a dictator. |
179 | 00:08:32,429 | 00:08:35,015 | You're not gonna feel any shame? You've never felt shame? | You're not gonna feel any shame? You've never felt shame? |
180 | 00:08:35,098 | 00:08:37,976 | You never had such a bad fucking night, the next morning, you woke up, | You never had such a bad fucking night, the next morning, you woke up, |
181 | 00:08:38,059 | 00:08:39,602 | you couldn't even look in the mirror? | you couldn't even look in the mirror? |
182 | 00:08:39,686 | 00:08:41,312 | When you brush your teeth, you looked up. | When you brush your teeth, you looked up. |
183 | 00:08:41,396 | 00:08:43,606 | You're like, "Oh, you fucking piece of shit. | You're like, "Oh, you fucking piece of shit. |
184 | 00:08:43,690 | 00:08:45,191 | Wow! Wow! | Wow! Wow! |
185 | 00:08:45,275 | 00:08:47,277 | Even for you, that was bad. | Even for you, that was bad. |
186 | 00:08:47,360 | 00:08:49,195 | Lights out, curtains drawn, | Lights out, curtains drawn, |
187 | 00:08:49,279 | 00:08:51,072 | until at least two in the afternoon, | until at least two in the afternoon, |
188 | 00:08:51,156 | 00:08:52,741 | before I can even look at you, | before I can even look at you, |
189 | 00:08:52,824 | 00:08:54,743 | you fucking piece of shit!" | you fucking piece of shit!" |
190 | 00:08:56,327 | 00:08:58,163 | Yeah, you're supposed to have no shame? | Yeah, you're supposed to have no shame? |
191 | 00:08:58,246 | 00:08:59,539 | That's the new world? | That's the new world? |
192 | 00:08:59,622 | 00:09:01,916 | You're just gonna walk around, sucking dick, | You're just gonna walk around, sucking dick, |
193 | 00:09:02,000 | 00:09:03,460 | you know, eating cookies, | you know, eating cookies, |
194 | 00:09:03,543 | 00:09:06,254 | and just show up, and nobody's supposed to say anything? | and just show up, and nobody's supposed to say anything? |
195 | 00:09:06,337 | 00:09:07,839 | No one's supposed to have an opinion? | No one's supposed to have an opinion? |
196 | 00:09:07,922 | 00:09:10,425 | "Well, that's gonna go off the rails pretty soon." | "Well, that's gonna go off the rails pretty soon." |
197 | 00:09:13,970 | 00:09:15,722 | I know, it's probably mean to do this stuff, | I know, it's probably mean to do this stuff, |
198 | 00:09:15,805 | 00:09:18,183 | but, like, you can only have so much sympathy. | but, like, you can only have so much sympathy. |
199 | 00:09:18,266 | 00:09:20,727 | There's so much stuff you can care about. | There's so much stuff you can care about. |
200 | 00:09:20,810 | 00:09:24,022 | You know what happened to me that changed my life? I did a gig in India. Right? | You know what happened to me that changed my life? I did a gig in India. Right? |
201 | 00:09:24,105 | 00:09:27,650 | Unbelievably great people, but some of the stuff I saw, I'll never forget. | Unbelievably great people, but some of the stuff I saw, I'll never forget. |
202 | 00:09:27,734 | 00:09:29,235 | Literally, I did a gig in India, | Literally, I did a gig in India, |
203 | 00:09:29,319 | 00:09:32,614 | I saw a toddler take a shit between two parked cars, | I saw a toddler take a shit between two parked cars, |
204 | 00:09:32,697 | 00:09:35,575 | walked away, no pants or parents, | walked away, no pants or parents, |
205 | 00:09:35,658 | 00:09:37,660 | and then disappeared into the crowd | and then disappeared into the crowd |
206 | 00:09:37,744 | 00:09:38,995 | like Hannibal Lecter | like Hannibal Lecter |
207 | 00:09:39,079 | 00:09:41,081 | at the end of Silence Of The Lambs. | at the end of Silence Of The Lambs. |
208 | 00:09:42,457 | 00:09:46,377 | It's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen in my life. | It's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen in my life. |
209 | 00:09:46,920 | 00:09:48,838 | And then I come back to my country and it's like, | And then I come back to my country and it's like, |
210 | 00:09:48,922 | 00:09:53,176 | "The studio said I have to lose 15 pounds to star in a movie." | "The studio said I have to lose 15 pounds to star in a movie." |
211 | 00:09:53,259 | 00:09:55,512 | Well, then start running, you fat fuck! | Well, then start running, you fat fuck! |
212 | 00:09:56,137 | 00:09:57,889 | That's your big complaint in life? | That's your big complaint in life? |
213 | 00:10:01,101 | 00:10:03,311 | You know what it is about these fatties? | You know what it is about these fatties? |
214 | 00:10:03,394 | 00:10:04,813 | Do you know what it really is? | Do you know what it really is? |
215 | 00:10:05,396 | 00:10:07,232 | They have no respect | They have no respect |
216 | 00:10:07,315 | 00:10:10,527 | for the amount of sacrifice and dedication it takes | for the amount of sacrifice and dedication it takes |
217 | 00:10:10,610 | 00:10:13,988 | to truly get in, like, magazine-level shape, which is the... | to truly get in, like, magazine-level shape, which is the... |
218 | 00:10:14,072 | 00:10:15,323 | You ever try to get abs? | You ever try to get abs? |
219 | 00:10:15,406 | 00:10:18,618 | You ever tried to get all the abs down here? You ever tried to do it? | You ever tried to get all the abs down here? You ever tried to do it? |
220 | 00:10:18,701 | 00:10:20,161 | It's fucking impossible! | It's fucking impossible! |
221 | 00:10:21,162 | 00:10:22,288 | Past the age of 19, | Past the age of 19, |
222 | 00:10:22,372 | 00:10:24,916 | you can't do it without tons of help. | you can't do it without tons of help. |
223 | 00:10:24,999 | 00:10:28,211 | You've got to buy all these exercise tapes, you've got to read about nutrition, | You've got to buy all these exercise tapes, you've got to read about nutrition, |
224 | 00:10:28,294 | 00:10:31,172 | you've got to get a personal trainer having you fucking running along. | you've got to get a personal trainer having you fucking running along. |
225 | 00:10:31,840 | 00:10:33,341 | You need your own chef. | You need your own chef. |
226 | 00:10:33,424 | 00:10:36,719 | "Okay, don't eat it yet. All right, now eat it. Start consuming it. | "Okay, don't eat it yet. All right, now eat it. Start consuming it. |
227 | 00:10:36,803 | 00:10:40,181 | All right, stop. Slow down. Stop. Stop. Spit it out! Spit it out! | All right, stop. Slow down. Stop. Stop. Spit it out! Spit it out! |
228 | 00:10:41,182 | 00:10:42,350 | I told you to stop! | I told you to stop! |
229 | 00:10:42,433 | 00:10:45,228 | Get on the elliptical! You liked that Brussels sprout?! | Get on the elliptical! You liked that Brussels sprout?! |
230 | 00:10:45,311 | 00:10:47,814 | Did you like that?! 'Cause now you're paying for it!" | Did you like that?! 'Cause now you're paying for it!" |
231 | 00:10:48,648 | 00:10:50,608 | It's a fucking miserable experience. | It's a fucking miserable experience. |
232 | 00:10:51,276 | 00:10:53,945 | Just walking around and your whole body's eating yourself. | Just walking around and your whole body's eating yourself. |
233 | 00:10:54,028 | 00:10:55,155 | "Do you want some cake?" | "Do you want some cake?" |
234 | 00:10:55,238 | 00:10:57,824 | "No. No, I'll just take a salad. | "No. No, I'll just take a salad. |
235 | 00:10:58,741 | 00:11:00,493 | Balsamic vinaigrette on the side. | Balsamic vinaigrette on the side. |
236 | 00:11:00,577 | 00:11:01,744 | No croutons. | No croutons. |
237 | 00:11:02,453 | 00:11:04,706 | Oh, my God! When is the photo shoot? | Oh, my God! When is the photo shoot? |
238 | 00:11:04,789 | 00:11:06,249 | I want to kill myself." | I want to kill myself." |
239 | 00:11:07,208 | 00:11:08,293 | It's horrible. | It's horrible. |
240 | 00:11:09,627 | 00:11:11,087 | Have you ever tried to get fat? | Have you ever tried to get fat? |
241 | 00:11:12,297 | 00:11:13,715 | No. | No. |
242 | 00:11:13,798 | 00:11:15,091 | You don't have to. | You don't have to. |
243 | 00:11:15,174 | 00:11:16,301 | It's effortless. | It's effortless. |
244 | 00:11:16,801 | 00:11:19,262 | You can fucking lay on your back, | You can fucking lay on your back, |
245 | 00:11:19,345 | 00:11:21,347 | watching your favorite show, | watching your favorite show, |
246 | 00:11:21,431 | 00:11:23,933 | just shoveling shit down your throat. | just shoveling shit down your throat. |
247 | 00:11:24,017 | 00:11:27,270 | "What are you doing?" "I'm getting fat. I'm getting fat." | "What are you doing?" "I'm getting fat. I'm getting fat." |
248 | 00:11:27,812 | 00:11:30,607 | "You got a trainer?" "Don't need one. It's natural. | "You got a trainer?" "Don't need one. It's natural. |
249 | 00:11:32,025 | 00:11:34,611 | I just eat everything that makes my sugar/salt go like, | I just eat everything that makes my sugar/salt go like, |
250 | 00:11:34,694 | 00:11:35,695 | 'Yeah! | 'Yeah! |
251 | 00:11:35,778 | 00:11:36,654 | Whoo! | Whoo! |
252 | 00:11:36,738 | 00:11:37,739 | Yeah!' | Yeah!' |
253 | 00:11:38,531 | 00:11:41,409 | It comes right in, a nice roll of fucking flab." | It comes right in, a nice roll of fucking flab." |
254 | 00:11:42,702 | 00:11:46,122 | No, it's ridiculous. I know nobody wants to be fat, so I'm not shitting on anyone. | No, it's ridiculous. I know nobody wants to be fat, so I'm not shitting on anyone. |
255 | 00:11:46,205 | 00:11:48,583 | But don't fucking come at me like it's my problem, | But don't fucking come at me like it's my problem, |
256 | 00:11:48,666 | 00:11:50,418 | and I need to fucking rewire myself. | and I need to fucking rewire myself. |
257 | 00:11:50,501 | 00:11:52,378 | No. You're overweight, okay? | No. You're overweight, okay? |
258 | 00:11:52,462 | 00:11:54,380 | There's plenty of things that can help you out. | There's plenty of things that can help you out. |
259 | 00:11:55,006 | 00:11:58,593 | Everybody's got something to deal with. I'm a fucking lunatic with my temper. | Everybody's got something to deal with. I'm a fucking lunatic with my temper. |
260 | 00:11:58,676 | 00:12:01,179 | This is something I have to deal with. I do. You know? | This is something I have to deal with. I do. You know? |
261 | 00:12:01,262 | 00:12:03,681 | You, you can't fucking stop eating pork chops. | You, you can't fucking stop eating pork chops. |
262 | 00:12:03,765 | 00:12:05,433 | That's something you fucking deal with. | That's something you fucking deal with. |
263 | 00:12:05,516 | 00:12:07,560 | I don't have to completely rewire myself. | I don't have to completely rewire myself. |
264 | 00:12:09,687 | 00:12:11,689 | You know, it's just a bunch of sixes | You know, it's just a bunch of sixes |
265 | 00:12:11,773 | 00:12:14,609 | pissed off that they're not getting treated like a ten, you know? | pissed off that they're not getting treated like a ten, you know? |
266 | 00:12:14,692 | 00:12:18,071 | At some point, you've just got to acknowledge what you are. | At some point, you've just got to acknowledge what you are. |
267 | 00:12:18,154 | 00:12:20,114 | You're a six. I'm sorry, all right? | You're a six. I'm sorry, all right? |
268 | 00:12:20,615 | 00:12:22,992 | Nobody jerks off to a six. That's the deal. | Nobody jerks off to a six. That's the deal. |
269 | 00:12:24,577 | 00:12:25,912 | Unless you work with her. | Unless you work with her. |
270 | 00:12:25,995 | 00:12:28,331 | If you work with her, you know, she's got that one outfit, | If you work with her, you know, she's got that one outfit, |
271 | 00:12:28,414 | 00:12:30,083 | you know, it just does something for you. | you know, it just does something for you. |
272 | 00:12:31,292 | 00:12:32,710 | You work in close quarters, | You work in close quarters, |
273 | 00:12:32,794 | 00:12:35,088 | so you know what her shampoo smells like. | so you know what her shampoo smells like. |
274 | 00:12:35,171 | 00:12:37,465 | There's an intimacy. There's an intimacy there. | There's an intimacy. There's an intimacy there. |
275 | 00:12:37,548 | 00:12:38,549 | All right? | All right? |
276 | 00:12:42,303 | 00:12:45,264 | I don't know what women rub one out to, but I know it ain't me! | I don't know what women rub one out to, but I know it ain't me! |
277 | 00:12:45,348 | 00:12:47,642 | All right? This is a fantasy. | All right? This is a fantasy. |
278 | 00:12:47,725 | 00:12:50,436 | That's why I don't feel bad about trashing 'em. | That's why I don't feel bad about trashing 'em. |
279 | 00:12:50,520 | 00:12:53,982 | It's like, yeah, this is all coming from... I'm a strong five, all right? | It's like, yeah, this is all coming from... I'm a strong five, all right? |
280 | 00:12:54,065 | 00:12:56,943 | That's where I am, so I still feel like I'm punching up here. | That's where I am, so I still feel like I'm punching up here. |
281 | 00:12:57,026 | 00:12:58,027 | You know? | You know? |
282 | 00:12:58,611 | 00:13:00,905 | Honestly, people, I'm a bald red-headed male. | Honestly, people, I'm a bald red-headed male. |
283 | 00:13:00,989 | 00:13:02,907 | You don't think there's a glass ceiling | You don't think there's a glass ceiling |
284 | 00:13:02,991 | 00:13:05,201 | on the kinds of parts I can get in Hollywood? | on the kinds of parts I can get in Hollywood? |
285 | 00:13:05,284 | 00:13:06,202 | Really? | Really? |
286 | 00:13:06,703 | 00:13:09,998 | Do you think I'm ever gonna be the lead in a romantic comedy? | Do you think I'm ever gonna be the lead in a romantic comedy? |
287 | 00:13:10,873 | 00:13:13,710 | That ain't happening, even if I'm booking the movie. | That ain't happening, even if I'm booking the movie. |
288 | 00:13:13,793 | 00:13:15,253 | I want to make the money back. | I want to make the money back. |
289 | 00:13:17,130 | 00:13:18,965 | That's the thing, it's show business. | That's the thing, it's show business. |
290 | 00:13:19,048 | 00:13:22,218 | There's $1 million on this film, okay? We're trying to make fucking money. | There's $1 million on this film, okay? We're trying to make fucking money. |
291 | 00:13:22,301 | 00:13:25,054 | You just want to show up with fucking crumbs on the side of your face? | You just want to show up with fucking crumbs on the side of your face? |
292 | 00:13:26,389 | 00:13:27,432 | Show up in shape, | Show up in shape, |
293 | 00:13:27,515 | 00:13:29,642 | looking as fuckable as possible, | looking as fuckable as possible, |
294 | 00:13:29,726 | 00:13:30,935 | know your lines. | know your lines. |
295 | 00:13:31,519 | 00:13:33,980 | Ready to work. It's called being a professional, right? | Ready to work. It's called being a professional, right? |
296 | 00:13:37,025 | 00:13:40,278 | Dude, Ben Stiller had abs in Meet The Parents! | Dude, Ben Stiller had abs in Meet The Parents! |
297 | 00:13:40,361 | 00:13:42,196 | There was no reason for him to do that. | There was no reason for him to do that. |
298 | 00:13:42,280 | 00:13:44,866 | He just knew, "I'm gonna take my fucking shirt off. | He just knew, "I'm gonna take my fucking shirt off. |
299 | 00:13:44,949 | 00:13:46,409 | I don't want to get trashed." | I don't want to get trashed." |
300 | 00:13:47,285 | 00:13:48,411 | He was shredded. | He was shredded. |
301 | 00:13:50,163 | 00:13:51,539 | Yeah, go be a fucking postman. | Yeah, go be a fucking postman. |
302 | 00:13:51,622 | 00:13:53,374 | I mean, I don't know what to tell you. | I mean, I don't know what to tell you. |
303 | 00:13:55,501 | 00:13:57,420 | No, this is just the ramblings of someone | No, this is just the ramblings of someone |
304 | 00:13:57,503 | 00:14:00,339 | who's sliding into the back nine of his life, | who's sliding into the back nine of his life, |
305 | 00:14:00,423 | 00:14:02,467 | and I'm not understanding | and I'm not understanding |
306 | 00:14:02,550 | 00:14:04,844 | half the shit that's going on, you know? | half the shit that's going on, you know? |
307 | 00:14:04,927 | 00:14:07,346 | You know, one of the big things that really made me feel old | You know, one of the big things that really made me feel old |
308 | 00:14:07,430 | 00:14:09,807 | was when McDonald's started making salads. | was when McDonald's started making salads. |
309 | 00:14:11,184 | 00:14:14,312 | That literally ripped my heart out. I'm like, "They're doing what?" | That literally ripped my heart out. I'm like, "They're doing what?" |
310 | 00:14:15,480 | 00:14:18,399 | Now they have wraps and they're doing all of this shit. | Now they have wraps and they're doing all of this shit. |
311 | 00:14:18,483 | 00:14:21,486 | You know what it was? Out-of-shape people complained to them. | You know what it was? Out-of-shape people complained to them. |
312 | 00:14:21,569 | 00:14:23,446 | "You don't have any healthy options." | "You don't have any healthy options." |
313 | 00:14:23,529 | 00:14:25,656 | It's like, "Dude, this is McDonald's! | It's like, "Dude, this is McDonald's! |
314 | 00:14:25,740 | 00:14:27,075 | This shit is poison! | This shit is poison! |
315 | 00:14:27,867 | 00:14:29,952 | Who the fuck comes here to get in shape?" | Who the fuck comes here to get in shape?" |
316 | 00:14:31,954 | 00:14:34,207 | Whenever I get McDonald's, I have a whole plan. | Whenever I get McDonald's, I have a whole plan. |
317 | 00:14:34,290 | 00:14:36,918 | At my age, I'm 48 years old, I know what I'm gonna order. | At my age, I'm 48 years old, I know what I'm gonna order. |
318 | 00:14:37,001 | 00:14:39,128 | I'm gonna go in there, it's gonna taste great. | I'm gonna go in there, it's gonna taste great. |
319 | 00:14:39,212 | 00:14:41,881 | Twenty minutes later, I'm gonna want to kill myself. | Twenty minutes later, I'm gonna want to kill myself. |
320 | 00:14:42,423 | 00:14:44,884 | And then I'm gonna go, "I'm going to the gym tomorrow." | And then I'm gonna go, "I'm going to the gym tomorrow." |
321 | 00:14:44,967 | 00:14:48,012 | And no matter how much I say that, I woke up the demon in me. | And no matter how much I say that, I woke up the demon in me. |
322 | 00:14:48,096 | 00:14:49,263 | I woke up the demon, | I woke up the demon, |
323 | 00:14:49,347 | 00:14:51,974 | and all that grease is just coursing through my veins. | and all that grease is just coursing through my veins. |
324 | 00:14:52,058 | 00:14:54,936 | And no matter how much I want to go to the gym, this other voice is going, | And no matter how much I want to go to the gym, this other voice is going, |
325 | 00:14:55,019 | 00:14:57,939 | "Dude, get an Egg McMuffin. Go down there and get an Egg McMuffin." | "Dude, get an Egg McMuffin. Go down there and get an Egg McMuffin." |
326 | 00:14:58,022 | 00:15:00,274 | And I'm gonna sit up like the Manchurian Candidate. | And I'm gonna sit up like the Manchurian Candidate. |
327 | 00:15:00,858 | 00:15:02,527 | "We're going to McDonald's." | "We're going to McDonald's." |
328 | 00:15:02,610 | 00:15:04,904 | My in-shape voice is in the back, going, | My in-shape voice is in the back, going, |
329 | 00:15:04,987 | 00:15:07,365 | "No! What are we doing?! Go to the gym!" | "No! What are we doing?! Go to the gym!" |
330 | 00:15:07,448 | 00:15:08,449 | And I'm just... | And I'm just... |
331 | 00:15:10,076 | 00:15:11,452 | gonna drive right down. | gonna drive right down. |
332 | 00:15:11,994 | 00:15:13,830 | Right? I know what it is. | Right? I know what it is. |
333 | 00:15:14,914 | 00:15:18,376 | But somehow out-of-shape people somehow made them-- | But somehow out-of-shape people somehow made them-- |
334 | 00:15:18,459 | 00:15:19,919 | They're to fucking blame. | They're to fucking blame. |
335 | 00:15:20,002 | 00:15:22,880 | They had to have healthy shit 'cause they're why everybody's fat. | They had to have healthy shit 'cause they're why everybody's fat. |
336 | 00:15:22,964 | 00:15:24,215 | How come they have to do it? | How come they have to do it? |
337 | 00:15:24,298 | 00:15:27,593 | What about Ben & Jerry's? How come they don't have to put kale in their ice cream? | What about Ben & Jerry's? How come they don't have to put kale in their ice cream? |
338 | 00:15:27,677 | 00:15:30,304 | Why is that? "Oh, they're a couple of hippies, man. | Why is that? "Oh, they're a couple of hippies, man. |
339 | 00:15:30,388 | 00:15:32,390 | They're, like, making ice cream." | They're, like, making ice cream." |
340 | 00:15:32,974 | 00:15:35,601 | They're going after big, bad McDonald's. You know, it's just... | They're going after big, bad McDonald's. You know, it's just... |
341 | 00:15:36,144 | 00:15:38,187 | Who the fuck goes to McDonald's to get in shape? | Who the fuck goes to McDonald's to get in shape? |
342 | 00:15:38,896 | 00:15:42,358 | And don't give me that horseshit that eating healthy is expensive. | And don't give me that horseshit that eating healthy is expensive. |
343 | 00:15:42,442 | 00:15:46,195 | It isn't. Go to a fucking supermarket. They're throwing the vegetables at you. | It isn't. Go to a fucking supermarket. They're throwing the vegetables at you. |
344 | 00:15:46,279 | 00:15:48,739 | "Here's celery. Get it the fuck out of here! | "Here's celery. Get it the fuck out of here! |
345 | 00:15:48,823 | 00:15:51,784 | Seventy cents! Twenty-five cents for a banana! | Seventy cents! Twenty-five cents for a banana! |
346 | 00:15:51,868 | 00:15:55,663 | Whatever the fuck you want! Get it out of here... before it goes bad!" | Whatever the fuck you want! Get it out of here... before it goes bad!" |
347 | 00:15:57,999 | 00:16:00,877 | No, it's fucked up. They somehow convinced them that... You know? | No, it's fucked up. They somehow convinced them that... You know? |
348 | 00:16:02,086 | 00:16:04,547 | "McDonald's is the reason why I'm out of shape." | "McDonald's is the reason why I'm out of shape." |
349 | 00:16:05,590 | 00:16:07,341 | "I would have got a salad, | "I would have got a salad, |
350 | 00:16:07,425 | 00:16:09,552 | but you didn't have the option, so I was like, | but you didn't have the option, so I was like, |
351 | 00:16:09,635 | 00:16:12,388 | "Well, I guess I gotta get 52 Big Macs." | "Well, I guess I gotta get 52 Big Macs." |
352 | 00:16:13,681 | 00:16:15,558 | "Thanks a lot, McDonald's!" | "Thanks a lot, McDonald's!" |
353 | 00:16:15,641 | 00:16:17,018 | It's like, "Dude, you're an adult. | It's like, "Dude, you're an adult. |
354 | 00:16:17,101 | 00:16:19,812 | It's not their job to babysit you. They're a fucking business. | It's not their job to babysit you. They're a fucking business. |
355 | 00:16:19,896 | 00:16:22,190 | If you order 50 sandwiches, they're gonna give it to you. | If you order 50 sandwiches, they're gonna give it to you. |
356 | 00:16:22,273 | 00:16:24,025 | It's your job to not do it, | It's your job to not do it, |
357 | 00:16:24,108 | 00:16:25,526 | you fucking dope." | you fucking dope." |
358 | 00:16:25,610 | 00:16:26,611 | Right? | Right? |
359 | 00:16:27,361 | 00:16:28,988 | I know. Sorry. | I know. Sorry. |
360 | 00:16:30,156 | 00:16:31,157 | I know. | I know. |
361 | 00:16:34,285 | 00:16:35,286 | Yeah. | Yeah. |
362 | 00:16:36,037 | 00:16:37,455 | Dude, McDonald's... | Dude, McDonald's... |
363 | 00:16:37,538 | 00:16:39,415 | McDonald's exists for two reasons, okay? | McDonald's exists for two reasons, okay? |
364 | 00:16:39,499 | 00:16:41,834 | It's for drunk people and it's for children. | It's for drunk people and it's for children. |
365 | 00:16:41,918 | 00:16:44,754 | All right? That's what this thing is. You know? | All right? That's what this thing is. You know? |
366 | 00:16:44,837 | 00:16:47,298 | You're in your car, your kids won't shut the hell up, | You're in your car, your kids won't shut the hell up, |
367 | 00:16:47,381 | 00:16:48,841 | you go to the drive-through. | you go to the drive-through. |
368 | 00:16:48,925 | 00:16:52,094 | You go to the drive-through, you get a couple of poison burgers, | You go to the drive-through, you get a couple of poison burgers, |
369 | 00:16:52,178 | 00:16:53,763 | you throw it down their throats. | you throw it down their throats. |
370 | 00:16:53,846 | 00:16:56,390 | Their little systems can't handle it. They start... | Their little systems can't handle it. They start... |
371 | 00:16:58,559 | 00:16:59,977 | They start nodding off. | They start nodding off. |
372 | 00:17:02,146 | 00:17:05,191 | And you're up front, you're bigger. You can handle a bigger dose of poison. | And you're up front, you're bigger. You can handle a bigger dose of poison. |
373 | 00:17:05,274 | 00:17:06,317 | Do you know what I mean? | Do you know what I mean? |
374 | 00:17:06,400 | 00:17:09,779 | Pop in your Def Leppard cassette and you have a little moment for yourself. | Pop in your Def Leppard cassette and you have a little moment for yourself. |
375 | 00:17:10,988 | 00:17:11,989 | Yeah. | Yeah. |
376 | 00:17:12,073 | 00:17:13,199 | That's what it's for. | That's what it's for. |
377 | 00:17:14,534 | 00:17:16,827 | It's for your kids and it's for drunk people. | It's for your kids and it's for drunk people. |
378 | 00:17:16,911 | 00:17:19,038 | How many times have you driven out to a bar going, | How many times have you driven out to a bar going, |
379 | 00:17:19,121 | 00:17:20,498 | "I'm just gonna have one." | "I'm just gonna have one." |
380 | 00:17:20,581 | 00:17:23,125 | All of a sudden, you had, like, 11, right? | All of a sudden, you had, like, 11, right? |
381 | 00:17:23,626 | 00:17:25,503 | And you're hammered, and you're thinking... | And you're hammered, and you're thinking... |
382 | 00:17:25,586 | 00:17:28,714 | You know, but you're responsible. You're drunk but you're responsible. | You know, but you're responsible. You're drunk but you're responsible. |
383 | 00:17:28,798 | 00:17:31,300 | You're like, "Goddamn it, I drove my car here tonight... | You're like, "Goddamn it, I drove my car here tonight... |
384 | 00:17:32,468 | 00:17:34,136 | goddamn it, I'm driving it home." | goddamn it, I'm driving it home." |
385 | 00:17:34,220 | 00:17:35,555 | All right? | All right? |
386 | 00:17:36,138 | 00:17:39,183 | "I'm not gonna burden this place of business | "I'm not gonna burden this place of business |
387 | 00:17:39,267 | 00:17:41,352 | by taking up a parking space | by taking up a parking space |
388 | 00:17:41,435 | 00:17:43,771 | in this completely empty parking lot | in this completely empty parking lot |
389 | 00:17:43,854 | 00:17:45,523 | for the next six hours." | for the next six hours." |
390 | 00:17:47,108 | 00:17:49,902 | Now, I am not advocating drinking and driving, | Now, I am not advocating drinking and driving, |
391 | 00:17:49,986 | 00:17:51,988 | but I will tell you, there's nothing better | but I will tell you, there's nothing better |
392 | 00:17:52,071 | 00:17:54,824 | than when all your friends and family know you're hammered... | than when all your friends and family know you're hammered... |
393 | 00:17:54,907 | 00:17:57,410 | There's nothing better than that walk to the car. | There's nothing better than that walk to the car. |
394 | 00:17:57,493 | 00:17:58,494 | It's incredible. | It's incredible. |
395 | 00:17:58,578 | 00:18:01,581 | Women are screaming, people tearing at your clothes. | Women are screaming, people tearing at your clothes. |
396 | 00:18:01,664 | 00:18:03,374 | You feel like you're in the Beatles. | You feel like you're in the Beatles. |
397 | 00:18:03,457 | 00:18:05,334 | "Oh, my God! No! Stop him!" | "Oh, my God! No! Stop him!" |
398 | 00:18:05,418 | 00:18:07,295 | You're like, "No autographs. | You're like, "No autographs. |
399 | 00:18:07,378 | 00:18:09,088 | I'm sorry. I have to go. | I'm sorry. I have to go. |
400 | 00:18:09,171 | 00:18:12,091 | I'll be back. Just... get 'em off me!" | I'll be back. Just... get 'em off me!" |
401 | 00:18:14,093 | 00:18:16,262 | Then you get in the car | Then you get in the car |
402 | 00:18:16,345 | 00:18:17,555 | and everybody's screaming. | and everybody's screaming. |
403 | 00:18:17,638 | 00:18:19,432 | "Get in the fucking car! | "Get in the fucking car! |
404 | 00:18:19,515 | 00:18:21,809 | You're fine! I had the car eight years. I know... | You're fine! I had the car eight years. I know... |
405 | 00:18:21,892 | 00:18:23,144 | I can almost see my house. | I can almost see my house. |
406 | 00:18:23,227 | 00:18:24,687 | Just get in the fucking car. | Just get in the fucking car. |
407 | 00:18:25,438 | 00:18:28,107 | You're gonna make the cops come! Get in the fucking car. | You're gonna make the cops come! Get in the fucking car. |
408 | 00:18:28,190 | 00:18:29,191 | I swear to God, | I swear to God, |
409 | 00:18:29,275 | 00:18:30,776 | just get in the fucking car. | just get in the fucking car. |
410 | 00:18:32,194 | 00:18:34,697 | Oh, take your seat belt off, you fucking Mary. | Oh, take your seat belt off, you fucking Mary. |
411 | 00:18:34,780 | 00:18:36,532 | I'm going right down the street." | I'm going right down the street." |
412 | 00:18:36,616 | 00:18:37,658 | Right? | Right? |
413 | 00:18:38,618 | 00:18:40,119 | And then what happens? | And then what happens? |
414 | 00:18:40,202 | 00:18:44,040 | You get out on the road, you realize you're way more hammered than you thought. | You get out on the road, you realize you're way more hammered than you thought. |
415 | 00:18:44,123 | 00:18:45,625 | Who was always there for you? | Who was always there for you? |
416 | 00:18:45,708 | 00:18:47,793 | McDonald's with the drive-through. | McDonald's with the drive-through. |
417 | 00:18:48,294 | 00:18:50,254 | The 24-hour drive-through. | The 24-hour drive-through. |
418 | 00:18:50,338 | 00:18:51,756 | You could just pull in | You could just pull in |
419 | 00:18:51,839 | 00:18:54,592 | and hide in plain sight, right? | and hide in plain sight, right? |
420 | 00:18:54,675 | 00:18:56,761 | And that little sad traffic jam | And that little sad traffic jam |
421 | 00:18:56,844 | 00:18:59,263 | of divorcees, shut-ins, | of divorcees, shut-ins, |
422 | 00:18:59,347 | 00:19:01,349 | people who go to Comic-Con, right? | people who go to Comic-Con, right? |
423 | 00:19:01,432 | 00:19:02,516 | You just pull in... | You just pull in... |
424 | 00:19:03,643 | 00:19:04,769 | and just stop. | and just stop. |
425 | 00:19:04,852 | 00:19:06,270 | You can take a little nap. | You can take a little nap. |
426 | 00:19:08,814 | 00:19:11,609 | It's like... "Thank you! Thank you! Right." | It's like... "Thank you! Thank you! Right." |
427 | 00:19:13,361 | 00:19:16,030 | You'd pull around. That's what it was all about. | You'd pull around. That's what it was all about. |
428 | 00:19:16,113 | 00:19:17,323 | And now, all of a sudden, | And now, all of a sudden, |
429 | 00:19:17,406 | 00:19:20,159 | they're the reason this country's out of shape, you know? | they're the reason this country's out of shape, you know? |
430 | 00:19:20,242 | 00:19:23,829 | They've had McDonald's my whole life. People weren't this fucking fat, right? | They've had McDonald's my whole life. People weren't this fucking fat, right? |
431 | 00:19:23,913 | 00:19:25,748 | It's not their fault. You can't pin it on 'em. | It's not their fault. You can't pin it on 'em. |
432 | 00:19:25,831 | 00:19:27,416 | But McDonald's fucked up. | But McDonald's fucked up. |
433 | 00:19:27,500 | 00:19:30,670 | They fucked up, because they gave in to out-of-shape people, and they said, | They fucked up, because they gave in to out-of-shape people, and they said, |
434 | 00:19:30,753 | 00:19:33,464 | "All right, fine, it's our fault. We'll start making salads." | "All right, fine, it's our fault. We'll start making salads." |
435 | 00:19:33,547 | 00:19:34,924 | And then they got on their heels. | And then they got on their heels. |
436 | 00:19:35,007 | 00:19:37,093 | They got on their heels, everybody sensed it, | They got on their heels, everybody sensed it, |
437 | 00:19:37,176 | 00:19:38,177 | and now look at them. | and now look at them. |
438 | 00:19:38,260 | 00:19:41,931 | Okay? Four or five years later, now they got to make breakfast all day. | Okay? Four or five years later, now they got to make breakfast all day. |
439 | 00:19:42,431 | 00:19:43,432 | Right? | Right? |
440 | 00:19:44,058 | 00:19:46,602 | Because you know what happened. All the potheads showed up. | Because you know what happened. All the potheads showed up. |
441 | 00:19:46,686 | 00:19:49,230 | "Hey, man, if you're gonna make him a salad, like... | "Hey, man, if you're gonna make him a salad, like... |
442 | 00:19:50,022 | 00:19:52,400 | like, what if I want, like, a breakfast thingy | like, what if I want, like, a breakfast thingy |
443 | 00:19:52,483 | 00:19:54,610 | and it's not breakfast? Like..." | and it's not breakfast? Like..." |
444 | 00:19:55,444 | 00:19:57,905 | "You're gonna hook him up, but you're not gonna hook me up? | "You're gonna hook him up, but you're not gonna hook me up? |
445 | 00:19:58,864 | 00:20:02,576 | That's, like, food racism or something, man. I just don't understand." | That's, like, food racism or something, man. I just don't understand." |
446 | 00:20:03,077 | 00:20:05,329 | They're like, "Fine! We'll start making breakfasts." | They're like, "Fine! We'll start making breakfasts." |
447 | 00:20:05,413 | 00:20:07,248 | They just completely lost their way. | They just completely lost their way. |
448 | 00:20:08,416 | 00:20:11,836 | I swear to God, dude, if I was running that corporation, this is what I would do. | I swear to God, dude, if I was running that corporation, this is what I would do. |
449 | 00:20:11,919 | 00:20:13,713 | I'd bring that clown back. | I'd bring that clown back. |
450 | 00:20:13,796 | 00:20:15,131 | All right? | All right? |
451 | 00:20:16,132 | 00:20:17,675 | I'd bring the clown back, okay, | I'd bring the clown back, okay, |
452 | 00:20:17,758 | 00:20:20,928 | and I'd just have that thing just look right down the barrel of the camera, | and I'd just have that thing just look right down the barrel of the camera, |
453 | 00:20:21,011 | 00:20:23,597 | have a little bit of dry ice in the background. | have a little bit of dry ice in the background. |
454 | 00:20:23,681 | 00:20:25,808 | You come right in tight on his face. | You come right in tight on his face. |
455 | 00:20:26,934 | 00:20:29,061 | He just looks right in the camera and goes, "Look... | He just looks right in the camera and goes, "Look... |
456 | 00:20:30,229 | 00:20:32,231 | if you can't get your fat ass down here... | if you can't get your fat ass down here... |
457 | 00:20:33,274 | 00:20:34,650 | by 10:30 in the morning... | by 10:30 in the morning... |
458 | 00:20:35,776 | 00:20:36,944 | you're getting a burger." | you're getting a burger." |
459 | 00:20:38,320 | 00:20:39,321 | "All right?" | "All right?" |
460 | 00:20:43,659 | 00:20:44,660 | "No. No. | "No. No. |
461 | 00:20:45,286 | 00:20:46,704 | The clown ain't finished!" | The clown ain't finished!" |
462 | 00:20:50,166 | 00:20:51,709 | "I'm not making pancakes | "I'm not making pancakes |
463 | 00:20:51,792 | 00:20:53,377 | at three o'clock in the afternoon | at three o'clock in the afternoon |
464 | 00:20:53,461 | 00:20:55,588 | because you did blow all night with your friends | because you did blow all night with your friends |
465 | 00:20:55,671 | 00:20:58,299 | and you're just getting your shit together, all right? | and you're just getting your shit together, all right? |
466 | 00:20:58,382 | 00:21:00,509 | Make no mistake, this is a burger joint. | Make no mistake, this is a burger joint. |
467 | 00:21:00,593 | 00:21:02,261 | It's always been a burger joint. | It's always been a burger joint. |
468 | 00:21:02,344 | 00:21:05,931 | We did that breakfast thing as a favor. We were just trying to freak out IHOP. | We did that breakfast thing as a favor. We were just trying to freak out IHOP. |
469 | 00:21:06,015 | 00:21:07,600 | 'Oh, we're doing it, too! | 'Oh, we're doing it, too! |
470 | 00:21:07,683 | 00:21:08,809 | We're doing it, too!' | We're doing it, too!' |
471 | 00:21:09,810 | 00:21:13,439 | Your own mother won't make you pancakes at three o'clock in the afternoon, okay? | Your own mother won't make you pancakes at three o'clock in the afternoon, okay? |
472 | 00:21:14,482 | 00:21:17,818 | So get your fat ass or your drugged-up ass down here before 10:30. | So get your fat ass or your drugged-up ass down here before 10:30. |
473 | 00:21:17,902 | 00:21:19,153 | We decide. It's our place. | We decide. It's our place. |
474 | 00:21:19,236 | 00:21:21,530 | We tell you what the fuck we're making, all right?" | We tell you what the fuck we're making, all right?" |
475 | 00:21:21,614 | 00:21:23,282 | That's it. | That's it. |
476 | 00:21:23,365 | 00:21:25,785 | Take him out, then he pushes a kid on a swing. | Take him out, then he pushes a kid on a swing. |
477 | 00:21:26,368 | 00:21:27,495 | Something nice. | Something nice. |
478 | 00:21:29,205 | 00:21:30,331 | So... | So... |
479 | 00:21:30,414 | 00:21:32,541 | Anyways, by the time this special comes out, | Anyways, by the time this special comes out, |
480 | 00:21:32,625 | 00:21:34,794 | another election will have come and gone, | another election will have come and gone, |
481 | 00:21:34,877 | 00:21:35,878 | and it's just... | and it's just... |
482 | 00:21:37,046 | 00:21:38,047 | God knows who we picked. | God knows who we picked. |
483 | 00:21:38,130 | 00:21:40,841 | It's another one, they're not gonna fucking talk about anything. | It's another one, they're not gonna fucking talk about anything. |
484 | 00:21:40,925 | 00:21:44,053 | The oceans are dying. They just said the Great Barrier Reef is dead. | The oceans are dying. They just said the Great Barrier Reef is dead. |
485 | 00:21:44,678 | 00:21:46,889 | You know? Genetically altered food. | You know? Genetically altered food. |
486 | 00:21:46,972 | 00:21:48,390 | There's too many fucking people. | There's too many fucking people. |
487 | 00:21:48,474 | 00:21:51,560 | I don't even know... They're just talking about a bunch of shit. You know? | I don't even know... They're just talking about a bunch of shit. You know? |
488 | 00:21:52,394 | 00:21:54,104 | Bruce has to drop a deuce. | Bruce has to drop a deuce. |
489 | 00:21:54,188 | 00:21:55,648 | Where is he gonna go? | Where is he gonna go? |
490 | 00:21:55,731 | 00:21:58,651 | Which bathroom should this guy use? I don't give a shit. | Which bathroom should this guy use? I don't give a shit. |
491 | 00:21:58,734 | 00:22:00,069 | This guy has enough money | This guy has enough money |
492 | 00:22:00,152 | 00:22:03,614 | to literally have a porta-potty rickshaw running behind him. | to literally have a porta-potty rickshaw running behind him. |
493 | 00:22:07,326 | 00:22:09,036 | How are you going to eliminate... | How are you going to eliminate... |
494 | 00:22:11,705 | 00:22:13,749 | a couple billion fucking people? | a couple billion fucking people? |
495 | 00:22:16,460 | 00:22:18,045 | Do you ever think about that shit? | Do you ever think about that shit? |
496 | 00:22:19,463 | 00:22:23,259 | You know, they never talk to us about it. You know they do behind closed doors. | You know, they never talk to us about it. You know they do behind closed doors. |
497 | 00:22:25,344 | 00:22:28,222 | A bunch of creepy dudes all sitting around some giant table. | A bunch of creepy dudes all sitting around some giant table. |
498 | 00:22:28,847 | 00:22:30,975 | Right? They probably talk about it then. | Right? They probably talk about it then. |
499 | 00:22:31,058 | 00:22:32,434 | Just sitting down after, like... | Just sitting down after, like... |
500 | 00:22:33,018 | 00:22:34,812 | "I trust everyone had their fun?" | "I trust everyone had their fun?" |
501 | 00:22:39,316 | 00:22:41,360 | "Let's get down to the task at hand. | "Let's get down to the task at hand. |
502 | 00:22:43,862 | 00:22:47,116 | There are over 7.5 billion people on the planet. | There are over 7.5 billion people on the planet. |
503 | 00:22:48,450 | 00:22:50,160 | We're running out of fresh water. | We're running out of fresh water. |
504 | 00:22:51,912 | 00:22:53,581 | There won't be enough chicken... | There won't be enough chicken... |
505 | 00:22:54,373 | 00:22:55,541 | to feed the others. | to feed the others. |
506 | 00:22:57,418 | 00:23:00,170 | Does anyone here have any suggestions... | Does anyone here have any suggestions... |
507 | 00:23:01,463 | 00:23:03,132 | on how to eliminate the pressures | on how to eliminate the pressures |
508 | 00:23:03,215 | 00:23:05,509 | of the undesirables?" | of the undesirables?" |
509 | 00:23:07,886 | 00:23:09,054 | "Ah, yes, you. | "Ah, yes, you. |
510 | 00:23:09,930 | 00:23:10,931 | Number four. | Number four. |
511 | 00:23:12,308 | 00:23:13,892 | You may speak." | You may speak." |
512 | 00:23:15,853 | 00:23:17,313 | "Well, you know, what uh... | "Well, you know, what uh... |
513 | 00:23:18,063 | 00:23:20,399 | What if we, like, slowly cooked 'em at the airport? | What if we, like, slowly cooked 'em at the airport? |
514 | 00:23:21,066 | 00:23:22,067 | You know? | You know? |
515 | 00:23:23,986 | 00:23:25,154 | Just throwing it out there. | Just throwing it out there. |
516 | 00:23:25,237 | 00:23:28,115 | What if you had a revolving-door-looking thing, | What if you had a revolving-door-looking thing, |
517 | 00:23:28,198 | 00:23:31,744 | you made 'em take their shoes off, they got in and they stood up like that? | you made 'em take their shoes off, they got in and they stood up like that? |
518 | 00:23:32,536 | 00:23:34,913 | And you just radiate 'em from head to toe... | And you just radiate 'em from head to toe... |
519 | 00:23:35,831 | 00:23:38,083 | once on the way out, once on the way back." | once on the way out, once on the way back." |
520 | 00:23:38,167 | 00:23:39,668 | "Oh, yes. Yes! | "Oh, yes. Yes! |
521 | 00:23:39,752 | 00:23:42,713 | I like that. I like the sound of that. And how would that work? | I like that. I like the sound of that. And how would that work? |
522 | 00:23:42,796 | 00:23:45,966 | Would you have it on low at first, sear them like a tuna steak? | Would you have it on low at first, sear them like a tuna steak? |
523 | 00:23:46,467 | 00:23:48,510 | They don't understand. You let the children go. | They don't understand. You let the children go. |
524 | 00:23:48,594 | 00:23:50,971 | We'll use them for slaves later, right? | We'll use them for slaves later, right? |
525 | 00:23:51,055 | 00:23:52,723 | No old people. They'll die soon. | No old people. They'll die soon. |
526 | 00:23:52,806 | 00:23:54,600 | Just people in the prime of their life. | Just people in the prime of their life. |
527 | 00:23:54,683 | 00:23:57,186 | And gradually, over the years, you increase it | And gradually, over the years, you increase it |
528 | 00:23:57,269 | 00:23:59,021 | and they start frothing at the mouth. | and they start frothing at the mouth. |
529 | 00:23:59,104 | 00:24:02,483 | They don't recognize their children. The property comes back to us!" | They don't recognize their children. The property comes back to us!" |
530 | 00:24:05,235 | 00:24:06,236 | "Oh. | "Oh. |
531 | 00:24:06,862 | 00:24:09,657 | I trust everyone at this table flies private?" | I trust everyone at this table flies private?" |
532 | 00:24:16,205 | 00:24:18,999 | Dude, my wife thinks I'm out of my mind because I think shit like that. | Dude, my wife thinks I'm out of my mind because I think shit like that. |
533 | 00:24:21,251 | 00:24:22,461 | But I think I'm right. | But I think I'm right. |
534 | 00:24:24,004 | 00:24:25,631 | Dude, I know they think about it. | Dude, I know they think about it. |
535 | 00:24:26,215 | 00:24:28,509 | I know they think about it, because I think about it. | I know they think about it, because I think about it. |
536 | 00:24:28,592 | 00:24:31,178 | Every time I land in a city and it's two o'clock in the afternoon, | Every time I land in a city and it's two o'clock in the afternoon, |
537 | 00:24:31,261 | 00:24:35,057 | I'm just driving down the street and I'm in the middle of a fucking traffic jam, | I'm just driving down the street and I'm in the middle of a fucking traffic jam, |
538 | 00:24:35,140 | 00:24:37,810 | that inner Mussolini comes out of me, right? | that inner Mussolini comes out of me, right? |
539 | 00:24:37,893 | 00:24:40,312 | Like, "What are all these people doing in my road?! | Like, "What are all these people doing in my road?! |
540 | 00:24:41,522 | 00:24:43,315 | They must be eliminated!" | They must be eliminated!" |
541 | 00:24:46,026 | 00:24:48,278 | I don't know. Like, how do you not fucking bring it up? | I don't know. Like, how do you not fucking bring it up? |
542 | 00:24:48,362 | 00:24:50,823 | It's 'cause it would freak everybody out, you know, | It's 'cause it would freak everybody out, you know, |
543 | 00:24:50,906 | 00:24:54,076 | that you have to start maybe taking some measures... | that you have to start maybe taking some measures... |
544 | 00:24:55,744 | 00:24:57,162 | ...to start thinning out the herd. | ...to start thinning out the herd. |
545 | 00:24:57,246 | 00:24:58,580 | Do you feel that? | Do you feel that? |
546 | 00:24:58,664 | 00:25:00,374 | That's right. That's right, yeah. | That's right. That's right, yeah. |
547 | 00:25:00,457 | 00:25:02,668 | And what do you think, dude? You think you're gonna... | And what do you think, dude? You think you're gonna... |
548 | 00:25:03,627 | 00:25:05,421 | You think you're in the fucking upper tier? | You think you're in the fucking upper tier? |
549 | 00:25:05,504 | 00:25:08,424 | You're in the... You're in the luxury boxes, yeah? | You're in the... You're in the luxury boxes, yeah? |
550 | 00:25:08,507 | 00:25:10,259 | You spend a lot of time with yourself. | You spend a lot of time with yourself. |
551 | 00:25:10,342 | 00:25:11,844 | You're doing a lot of nodding. | You're doing a lot of nodding. |
552 | 00:25:11,927 | 00:25:13,345 | "I like what I think. | "I like what I think. |
553 | 00:25:13,429 | 00:25:15,055 | I like what I think a lot. | I like what I think a lot. |
554 | 00:25:15,639 | 00:25:17,391 | What I think is the way it should be." | What I think is the way it should be." |
555 | 00:25:17,474 | 00:25:18,934 | I understand what that's like. | I understand what that's like. |
556 | 00:25:19,643 | 00:25:21,520 | I live this fucking isolated life, man. | I live this fucking isolated life, man. |
557 | 00:25:21,603 | 00:25:23,313 | I go on the road, I'm in green rooms, | I go on the road, I'm in green rooms, |
558 | 00:25:23,397 | 00:25:25,107 | and I just fucking, you know... | and I just fucking, you know... |
559 | 00:25:25,190 | 00:25:28,110 | I'm just by myself all the time. You slowly go fucking crazy. | I'm just by myself all the time. You slowly go fucking crazy. |
560 | 00:25:28,610 | 00:25:31,613 | I did a gig recently. I was in Ireland and I was in the green room by myself. | I did a gig recently. I was in Ireland and I was in the green room by myself. |
561 | 00:25:31,697 | 00:25:34,158 | I went to turn on the light. It was one of those pull switches. | I went to turn on the light. It was one of those pull switches. |
562 | 00:25:34,241 | 00:25:36,827 | It wound up around itself, looked like a little noose. | It wound up around itself, looked like a little noose. |
563 | 00:25:36,910 | 00:25:39,788 | I immediately thought, "What if I stuck my head in there and just..." | I immediately thought, "What if I stuck my head in there and just..." |
564 | 00:25:42,291 | 00:25:45,294 | "...and just turn the lights out?" literally and figuratively. | "...and just turn the lights out?" literally and figuratively. |
565 | 00:25:46,378 | 00:25:48,338 | I was not thinking about killing myself at all. | I was not thinking about killing myself at all. |
566 | 00:25:48,422 | 00:25:51,175 | The second I thought, "What if I just fucking did that?" | The second I thought, "What if I just fucking did that?" |
567 | 00:25:51,884 | 00:25:55,262 | And then I looked in the mirror, I caught my eye and we both laughed. | And then I looked in the mirror, I caught my eye and we both laughed. |
568 | 00:25:56,430 | 00:25:59,683 | Yeah. I had this wonderful little moment with myself. | Yeah. I had this wonderful little moment with myself. |
569 | 00:25:59,767 | 00:26:01,727 | No words needed to be spoken. | No words needed to be spoken. |
570 | 00:26:01,810 | 00:26:02,811 | You know? | You know? |
571 | 00:26:04,813 | 00:26:08,150 | Yeah. So I think about the population all the time, as you can tell. | Yeah. So I think about the population all the time, as you can tell. |
572 | 00:26:08,233 | 00:26:10,152 | On my specials, I'm always talking about it. | On my specials, I'm always talking about it. |
573 | 00:26:10,235 | 00:26:12,905 | I think I got the plan, 'cause I know-- | I think I got the plan, 'cause I know-- |
574 | 00:26:12,988 | 00:26:16,575 | No. Wait until you hear the plan first, 'cause a lot of people are gonna die. | No. Wait until you hear the plan first, 'cause a lot of people are gonna die. |
575 | 00:26:18,786 | 00:26:20,496 | Before you start hootin' and hollerin'. | Before you start hootin' and hollerin'. |
576 | 00:26:21,830 | 00:26:24,333 | Everybody thinks they're gonna fucking make it, right? | Everybody thinks they're gonna fucking make it, right? |
577 | 00:26:25,459 | 00:26:27,586 | This is how you do it. Well, this is how I would do it. | This is how you do it. Well, this is how I would do it. |
578 | 00:26:27,669 | 00:26:30,005 | First of all, you've got to become a dictator, okay? | First of all, you've got to become a dictator, okay? |
579 | 00:26:30,088 | 00:26:33,133 | Because it's too late to be like, "Hey, man, maybe just have a couple..." | Because it's too late to be like, "Hey, man, maybe just have a couple..." |
580 | 00:26:33,217 | 00:26:34,218 | It's too fucking late. | It's too fucking late. |
581 | 00:26:34,301 | 00:26:37,262 | Someone's got to have the balls to take out the sickle... | Someone's got to have the balls to take out the sickle... |
582 | 00:26:38,889 | 00:26:40,432 | ...and start chopping some heads. | ...and start chopping some heads. |
583 | 00:26:40,933 | 00:26:42,810 | So, here's my idea. | So, here's my idea. |
584 | 00:26:43,310 | 00:26:47,689 | I become dictator. Obviously you've got to murder everybody in power, right? | I become dictator. Obviously you've got to murder everybody in power, right? |
585 | 00:26:47,773 | 00:26:50,275 | From the head all the way down to their goldfish, | From the head all the way down to their goldfish, |
586 | 00:26:50,359 | 00:26:54,154 | you've got to kill everyone in the family so they don't come back for their revenge, | you've got to kill everyone in the family so they don't come back for their revenge, |
587 | 00:26:54,238 | 00:26:57,825 | like in Godfather II or every karate movie you've ever seen, right? | like in Godfather II or every karate movie you've ever seen, right? |
588 | 00:26:57,908 | 00:26:59,701 | You've got to do it the way the Russians did, | You've got to do it the way the Russians did, |
589 | 00:26:59,785 | 00:27:02,287 | where you don't find the skulls for 100 fucking years. | where you don't find the skulls for 100 fucking years. |
590 | 00:27:02,371 | 00:27:05,165 | That's the way you do it. Then you take control of the media. | That's the way you do it. Then you take control of the media. |
591 | 00:27:05,249 | 00:27:07,125 | I keep all of you guys media blacked out. | I keep all of you guys media blacked out. |
592 | 00:27:07,209 | 00:27:09,962 | You don't know what's going on unless I want you to know it, right? | You don't know what's going on unless I want you to know it, right? |
593 | 00:27:10,045 | 00:27:12,714 | Big pictures of me. You've got to sing songs about me. | Big pictures of me. You've got to sing songs about me. |
594 | 00:27:12,798 | 00:27:15,425 | If there's no passion in it, a black van pulls up | If there's no passion in it, a black van pulls up |
595 | 00:27:15,509 | 00:27:17,094 | and you're never seen from again. | and you're never seen from again. |
596 | 00:27:17,177 | 00:27:18,178 | All right? | All right? |
597 | 00:27:18,262 | 00:27:21,682 | I figure three to six months of that, everybody gets on the same page, | I figure three to six months of that, everybody gets on the same page, |
598 | 00:27:21,765 | 00:27:24,101 | and that's when I'd start thinning it out. | and that's when I'd start thinning it out. |
599 | 00:27:25,102 | 00:27:28,647 | This is how I would do it. I would just start randomly sinking cruise ships. | This is how I would do it. I would just start randomly sinking cruise ships. |
600 | 00:27:31,942 | 00:27:33,777 | Just hear me out. It's the way to go. | Just hear me out. It's the way to go. |
601 | 00:27:34,319 | 00:27:35,404 | It's the way to go. | It's the way to go. |
602 | 00:27:37,197 | 00:27:40,534 | You get 2,500 to 3,000 people a whack. | You get 2,500 to 3,000 people a whack. |
603 | 00:27:41,285 | 00:27:44,288 | And I think it's a really good mix of people to get rid of. | And I think it's a really good mix of people to get rid of. |
604 | 00:27:45,747 | 00:27:46,999 | You know? | You know? |
605 | 00:27:47,082 | 00:27:49,042 | Think about the kinds of people | Think about the kinds of people |
606 | 00:27:49,126 | 00:27:50,460 | that take a cruise. | that take a cruise. |
607 | 00:27:51,587 | 00:27:53,672 | These aren't forward thinkers. | These aren't forward thinkers. |
608 | 00:27:53,755 | 00:27:55,048 | These aren't seekers. | These aren't seekers. |
609 | 00:27:55,132 | 00:27:58,135 | They're not pivotal to our survival. | They're not pivotal to our survival. |
610 | 00:28:00,262 | 00:28:02,347 | You ever hear somebody coming back from a cruise? | You ever hear somebody coming back from a cruise? |
611 | 00:28:02,431 | 00:28:04,725 | It's one of the worst stories you're ever gonna hear. | It's one of the worst stories you're ever gonna hear. |
612 | 00:28:05,559 | 00:28:06,852 | Because they don't do shit. | Because they don't do shit. |
613 | 00:28:06,935 | 00:28:10,397 | They don't want to travel to another country, interact with a new culture, | They don't want to travel to another country, interact with a new culture, |
614 | 00:28:10,480 | 00:28:12,482 | try to figure out the train system or the money. | try to figure out the train system or the money. |
615 | 00:28:12,566 | 00:28:16,028 | All they want to do is just sit on a fucking boat. | All they want to do is just sit on a fucking boat. |
616 | 00:28:16,820 | 00:28:19,072 | Just drinking. That's all they want to do. | Just drinking. That's all they want to do. |
617 | 00:28:19,156 | 00:28:20,991 | Right? Worst story you'll ever hear. | Right? Worst story you'll ever hear. |
618 | 00:28:21,074 | 00:28:22,284 | "Hey. How was your cruise?" | "Hey. How was your cruise?" |
619 | 00:28:22,367 | 00:28:23,744 | "Oh, it was great. | "Oh, it was great. |
620 | 00:28:23,827 | 00:28:26,163 | I was fucking laying there. | I was fucking laying there. |
621 | 00:28:26,246 | 00:28:28,206 | There was a DJ over here | There was a DJ over here |
622 | 00:28:28,290 | 00:28:31,001 | on the one-and-the-two wooka-wooka thing. | on the one-and-the-two wooka-wooka thing. |
623 | 00:28:31,084 | 00:28:31,919 | Right? | Right? |
624 | 00:28:32,002 | 00:28:34,546 | And then they had this chocolate fountain. | And then they had this chocolate fountain. |
625 | 00:28:34,630 | 00:28:36,423 | It was like a fountain, | It was like a fountain, |
626 | 00:28:36,506 | 00:28:37,799 | but it was chocolate! | but it was chocolate! |
627 | 00:28:38,300 | 00:28:40,719 | And you stuck the toothpick in the food, | And you stuck the toothpick in the food, |
628 | 00:28:40,802 | 00:28:42,638 | and you stuck it in the chocolate, | and you stuck it in the chocolate, |
629 | 00:28:42,721 | 00:28:45,224 | and you stuck it in your mouth." | and you stuck it in your mouth." |
630 | 00:28:45,849 | 00:28:47,684 | Then, 'I want another drink!' | Then, 'I want another drink!' |
631 | 00:28:47,768 | 00:28:49,478 | Then they bring it, you drink it, | Then they bring it, you drink it, |
632 | 00:28:49,561 | 00:28:50,562 | it dribbles down | it dribbles down |
633 | 00:28:50,646 | 00:28:52,314 | and it gathers in your navel. | and it gathers in your navel. |
634 | 00:28:52,397 | 00:28:53,649 | You punch yourself... | You punch yourself... |
635 | 00:28:54,483 | 00:28:55,734 | to get it in your mouth." | to get it in your mouth." |
636 | 00:28:56,860 | 00:28:59,529 | Then, every day around noon, we line up for lunch. | Then, every day around noon, we line up for lunch. |
637 | 00:28:59,613 | 00:29:01,156 | What's for lunch? We don't know. | What's for lunch? We don't know. |
638 | 00:29:01,240 | 00:29:02,741 | We don't make decisions. | We don't make decisions. |
639 | 00:29:02,824 | 00:29:04,368 | Whatever they give us. | Whatever they give us. |
640 | 00:29:04,451 | 00:29:07,329 | I like all-inclusive, you just have to think once. | I like all-inclusive, you just have to think once. |
641 | 00:29:07,412 | 00:29:09,957 | Can I write that number on this piece of paper? | Can I write that number on this piece of paper? |
642 | 00:29:10,040 | 00:29:12,125 | All right, tell me where to go." | All right, tell me where to go." |
643 | 00:29:14,086 | 00:29:16,964 | I'm telling you, if you guys could just get past the humanity | I'm telling you, if you guys could just get past the humanity |
644 | 00:29:17,047 | 00:29:18,382 | of what I am suggesting... | of what I am suggesting... |
645 | 00:29:20,175 | 00:29:21,760 | If you could just get past it | If you could just get past it |
646 | 00:29:21,843 | 00:29:24,346 | and maybe lose a couple of friends here or there... | and maybe lose a couple of friends here or there... |
647 | 00:29:25,597 | 00:29:27,516 | I am telling you, you wouldn't miss them. | I am telling you, you wouldn't miss them. |
648 | 00:29:28,809 | 00:29:30,435 | You know when you'd miss 'em? | You know when you'd miss 'em? |
649 | 00:29:30,519 | 00:29:32,062 | When you went to a baseball game | When you went to a baseball game |
650 | 00:29:32,145 | 00:29:35,941 | and there wasn't those 100 people in the upper deck trying to get the wave going. | and there wasn't those 100 people in the upper deck trying to get the wave going. |
651 | 00:29:36,024 | 00:29:37,442 | Right? | Right? |
652 | 00:29:39,319 | 00:29:42,531 | You wouldn't have people getting mad 'cause someone's sitting during a song, | You wouldn't have people getting mad 'cause someone's sitting during a song, |
653 | 00:29:42,614 | 00:29:44,241 | like, "That's offensive to me, | like, "That's offensive to me, |
654 | 00:29:44,324 | 00:29:46,410 | even though I don't know the issue!" | even though I don't know the issue!" |
655 | 00:29:46,493 | 00:29:47,661 | Right? | Right? |
656 | 00:29:47,744 | 00:29:49,830 | Nashville, a little pull back on that one. | Nashville, a little pull back on that one. |
657 | 00:29:49,913 | 00:29:50,914 | A little pull back. | A little pull back. |
658 | 00:29:54,167 | 00:29:55,585 | It's about police brutality. | It's about police brutality. |
659 | 00:29:55,669 | 00:29:59,131 | It has nothing to do with you and your beautiful white world, and mine, right? | It has nothing to do with you and your beautiful white world, and mine, right? |
660 | 00:29:59,756 | 00:30:03,593 | Just let it go. I don't give a fuck if you watched every episode of McHale's Navy. | Just let it go. I don't give a fuck if you watched every episode of McHale's Navy. |
661 | 00:30:03,677 | 00:30:05,053 | This is still not about you. | This is still not about you. |
662 | 00:30:05,137 | 00:30:06,596 | It's not a military issue. | It's not a military issue. |
663 | 00:30:10,600 | 00:30:13,979 | I'm telling you, you wouldn't fucking miss 'em. And this is the deal, all right? | I'm telling you, you wouldn't fucking miss 'em. And this is the deal, all right? |
664 | 00:30:14,062 | 00:30:16,773 | I wouldn't just give the order to start sinking these cruise ships | I wouldn't just give the order to start sinking these cruise ships |
665 | 00:30:16,857 | 00:30:19,901 | and then retire to my chambers with my mistresses and my whores. | and then retire to my chambers with my mistresses and my whores. |
666 | 00:30:19,985 | 00:30:21,236 | Right? | Right? |
667 | 00:30:21,320 | 00:30:24,031 | Just banging away, wearing the whole uniform. | Just banging away, wearing the whole uniform. |
668 | 00:30:24,114 | 00:30:25,490 | The whole dictator uniform. | The whole dictator uniform. |
669 | 00:30:25,574 | 00:30:27,659 | Everything except for the pants. Right? | Everything except for the pants. Right? |
670 | 00:30:28,618 | 00:30:30,495 | Compression socks with sock garters, | Compression socks with sock garters, |
671 | 00:30:30,579 | 00:30:31,747 | just banging away. | just banging away. |
672 | 00:30:32,706 | 00:30:35,834 | My honorary medals just clanging off my chest. | My honorary medals just clanging off my chest. |
673 | 00:30:36,543 | 00:30:39,254 | The big thing is to see how long I could fuck and keep the hat on. | The big thing is to see how long I could fuck and keep the hat on. |
674 | 00:30:39,338 | 00:30:41,757 | Like, "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" | Like, "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" |
675 | 00:30:42,799 | 00:30:45,969 | No, you can't do that. That brings resentment amongst your men. | No, you can't do that. That brings resentment amongst your men. |
676 | 00:30:46,053 | 00:30:48,221 | You've got to lead them into battle, and I would. | You've got to lead them into battle, and I would. |
677 | 00:30:48,764 | 00:30:51,308 | I would. I'd have my own sub. All right? | I would. I'd have my own sub. All right? |
678 | 00:30:51,391 | 00:30:52,517 | I'd have my own sub | I'd have my own sub |
679 | 00:30:52,601 | 00:30:55,270 | and I would hunt these cruise ships on a moonlit summer night. | and I would hunt these cruise ships on a moonlit summer night. |
680 | 00:30:56,730 | 00:31:00,192 | That's right. On a moonlit summer night, when sound carries. | That's right. On a moonlit summer night, when sound carries. |
681 | 00:31:00,275 | 00:31:03,653 | You know, those summer nights when your neighbor's talking about you. | You know, those summer nights when your neighbor's talking about you. |
682 | 00:31:03,737 | 00:31:07,157 | He doesn't think you can hear him. You're on your porch. "Is that how it is?" | He doesn't think you can hear him. You're on your porch. "Is that how it is?" |
683 | 00:31:08,492 | 00:31:09,701 | "So that's how it is, right?" | "So that's how it is, right?" |
684 | 00:31:10,243 | 00:31:11,244 | One of those nights. | One of those nights. |
685 | 00:31:13,705 | 00:31:16,625 | And I'd be a sport about it. I'd surface before I did it. | And I'd be a sport about it. I'd surface before I did it. |
686 | 00:31:16,708 | 00:31:19,127 | I'm armed, they're not. It's only fair, right? | I'm armed, they're not. It's only fair, right? |
687 | 00:31:19,628 | 00:31:21,922 | If they see me, I give them a little wink, a little nod. | If they see me, I give them a little wink, a little nod. |
688 | 00:31:22,005 | 00:31:24,883 | I'd have a little Red Baron class. "All right, get the fuck out of here." | I'd have a little Red Baron class. "All right, get the fuck out of here." |
689 | 00:31:24,966 | 00:31:27,636 | Right? But if you didn't see me, it would be game on. | Right? But if you didn't see me, it would be game on. |
690 | 00:31:27,719 | 00:31:29,096 | And every moonlit summer night, | And every moonlit summer night, |
691 | 00:31:29,179 | 00:31:30,972 | every summer I would go out to harvest. | every summer I would go out to harvest. |
692 | 00:31:31,056 | 00:31:32,933 | That would be the deal. I would just surface. | That would be the deal. I would just surface. |
693 | 00:31:42,025 | 00:31:44,611 | "And listen for the music, yeah?" | "And listen for the music, yeah?" |
694 | 00:32:01,169 | 00:32:02,254 | "Fire one." | "Fire one." |
695 | 00:32:13,932 | 00:32:15,517 | "Dude, look at my arms in this tank top." | "Dude, look at my arms in this tank top." |
696 | 00:32:26,111 | 00:32:27,446 | And then you cruise over, | And then you cruise over, |
697 | 00:32:27,529 | 00:32:29,114 | you strafe all the survivors. | you strafe all the survivors. |
698 | 00:32:40,584 | 00:32:41,918 | "Bring it around!" | "Bring it around!" |
699 | 00:32:56,766 | 00:32:57,767 | That would be it. | That would be it. |
700 | 00:32:57,851 | 00:33:02,272 | Twenty-five hundred to 3,000 less people. And you know what's the greatest thing? | Twenty-five hundred to 3,000 less people. And you know what's the greatest thing? |
701 | 00:33:02,355 | 00:33:03,607 | It's all underwater. | It's all underwater. |
702 | 00:33:03,690 | 00:33:06,485 | All the evidence is gone. All the evidence is gone. | All the evidence is gone. All the evidence is gone. |
703 | 00:33:06,568 | 00:33:09,738 | Every mass murderer throughout time has fucked up. | Every mass murderer throughout time has fucked up. |
704 | 00:33:09,821 | 00:33:11,072 | They did it on land. | They did it on land. |
705 | 00:33:11,656 | 00:33:13,200 | You're gonna get caught. | You're gonna get caught. |
706 | 00:33:13,283 | 00:33:15,118 | Where are you gonna put all of that, right? | Where are you gonna put all of that, right? |
707 | 00:33:15,660 | 00:33:16,870 | You do it out to sea. | You do it out to sea. |
708 | 00:33:16,953 | 00:33:18,955 | It all goes under, you know? | It all goes under, you know? |
709 | 00:33:19,039 | 00:33:20,999 | Nobody knows. "I don't know what happened. | Nobody knows. "I don't know what happened. |
710 | 00:33:21,082 | 00:33:22,292 | I have no idea." | I have no idea." |
711 | 00:33:22,792 | 00:33:24,169 | No evidence. | No evidence. |
712 | 00:33:24,252 | 00:33:27,422 | No evidence. Maybe... Maybe, like, a flip-flop, right? | No evidence. Maybe... Maybe, like, a flip-flop, right? |
713 | 00:33:29,966 | 00:33:31,676 | Like an Ed Hardy shirt just... | Like an Ed Hardy shirt just... |
714 | 00:33:32,260 | 00:33:33,386 | floating by. | floating by. |
715 | 00:33:34,888 | 00:33:37,766 | I'm controlling the media and nobody knows about it, right? | I'm controlling the media and nobody knows about it, right? |
716 | 00:33:37,849 | 00:33:38,975 | And as I sank the ships, | And as I sank the ships, |
717 | 00:33:39,059 | 00:33:42,437 | I would be building exact replicas at the same time, right? | I would be building exact replicas at the same time, right? |
718 | 00:33:42,521 | 00:33:45,815 | So I'd be eliminating people while creating jobs. | So I'd be eliminating people while creating jobs. |
719 | 00:33:45,899 | 00:33:48,193 | You guys have no fucking idea what's going on. | You guys have no fucking idea what's going on. |
720 | 00:33:48,276 | 00:33:51,446 | All of you just realize, like, "Wow, man, the traffic's easing up. | All of you just realize, like, "Wow, man, the traffic's easing up. |
721 | 00:33:51,530 | 00:33:54,783 | I'm getting into third gear at five o'clock at night. This is crazy! | I'm getting into third gear at five o'clock at night. This is crazy! |
722 | 00:33:55,450 | 00:33:58,328 | I don't know what's going on, but this Bill guy's all right. | I don't know what's going on, but this Bill guy's all right. |
723 | 00:33:58,411 | 00:34:02,207 | Another buddy of mine got a job building ships. Can you fucking believe that? | Another buddy of mine got a job building ships. Can you fucking believe that? |
724 | 00:34:02,290 | 00:34:04,167 | That industry, it's just blowing up. | That industry, it's just blowing up. |
725 | 00:34:04,251 | 00:34:05,710 | It's crazy. | It's crazy. |
726 | 00:34:05,794 | 00:34:07,963 | Dude, I want to get a job down there. They pay great. | Dude, I want to get a job down there. They pay great. |
727 | 00:34:08,046 | 00:34:11,299 | You know, make a little extra money. Who knows? Maybe you and me take a cruise. | You know, make a little extra money. Who knows? Maybe you and me take a cruise. |
728 | 00:34:11,383 | 00:34:13,260 | We'd have a good time, right? Get out there." | We'd have a good time, right? Get out there." |
729 | 00:34:14,594 | 00:34:15,887 | That's how it would work. | That's how it would work. |
730 | 00:34:16,388 | 00:34:19,140 | That's how my ethnic cleansing would work. | That's how my ethnic cleansing would work. |
731 | 00:34:21,810 | 00:34:25,105 | It wouldn't be based on race or religion. | It wouldn't be based on race or religion. |
732 | 00:34:25,188 | 00:34:27,274 | It would just be based on people dumb enough | It would just be based on people dumb enough |
733 | 00:34:27,357 | 00:34:30,360 | to think that taking a cruise is actually travelling. | to think that taking a cruise is actually travelling. |
734 | 00:34:31,695 | 00:34:34,239 | Technically, you're travelling, but what are you seeing? | Technically, you're travelling, but what are you seeing? |
735 | 00:34:34,823 | 00:34:36,491 | Just a bunch... "Look at the water! | Just a bunch... "Look at the water! |
736 | 00:34:36,575 | 00:34:37,576 | Oh, my God! | Oh, my God! |
737 | 00:34:37,659 | 00:34:39,327 | You can tell that's the Atlantic Ocean. | You can tell that's the Atlantic Ocean. |
738 | 00:34:39,411 | 00:34:41,746 | That definitely does not look like the Pacific Ocean." | That definitely does not look like the Pacific Ocean." |
739 | 00:34:44,207 | 00:34:45,208 | So... | So... |
740 | 00:34:45,292 | 00:34:47,836 | Yeah, look, admittedly, I'm a fucking psycho. | Yeah, look, admittedly, I'm a fucking psycho. |
741 | 00:34:47,919 | 00:34:49,296 | And uh... | And uh... |
742 | 00:34:49,379 | 00:34:51,006 | Oh, yeah. Dude, I have dreams... | Oh, yeah. Dude, I have dreams... |
743 | 00:34:51,089 | 00:34:54,217 | I had a dream two years ago that still haunts me. You know? | I had a dream two years ago that still haunts me. You know? |
744 | 00:34:54,301 | 00:34:57,387 | You ever have one of those dreams where you think you woke up but didn't? | You ever have one of those dreams where you think you woke up but didn't? |
745 | 00:34:57,470 | 00:35:00,807 | You're just sitting up and it feels like... I had one of those dreams, right? | You're just sitting up and it feels like... I had one of those dreams, right? |
746 | 00:35:00,890 | 00:35:02,976 | So I just sat up in bed, and I looked over, | So I just sat up in bed, and I looked over, |
747 | 00:35:03,059 | 00:35:04,686 | and there was a little girl in the corner. | and there was a little girl in the corner. |
748 | 00:35:04,769 | 00:35:07,230 | No idea who she was. She was, like, three, four years old. | No idea who she was. She was, like, three, four years old. |
749 | 00:35:07,314 | 00:35:10,609 | And she was talking to me, but I couldn't understand what she was saying. | And she was talking to me, but I couldn't understand what she was saying. |
750 | 00:35:10,692 | 00:35:12,319 | She was standing in the corner, going... | She was standing in the corner, going... |
751 | 00:35:16,031 | 00:35:17,115 | I was like, "What?" | I was like, "What?" |
752 | 00:35:18,199 | 00:35:19,784 | "What did you say? I... | "What did you say? I... |
753 | 00:35:19,868 | 00:35:22,329 | I can't hear you, sweetheart. You've got to come closer." | I can't hear you, sweetheart. You've got to come closer." |
754 | 00:35:22,412 | 00:35:25,040 | She walked halfway to the bed. She was nodding her head, going... | She walked halfway to the bed. She was nodding her head, going... |
755 | 00:35:28,376 | 00:35:30,712 | Big, like, The Grudge eyes. I'm just... | Big, like, The Grudge eyes. I'm just... |
756 | 00:35:31,630 | 00:35:33,923 | "You've got to come closer." She walks up to the bed. | "You've got to come closer." She walks up to the bed. |
757 | 00:35:34,007 | 00:35:36,801 | I was like, "I couldn't hear you, sweetheart. What did you say?" | I was like, "I couldn't hear you, sweetheart. What did you say?" |
758 | 00:35:36,885 | 00:35:38,386 | And she just nods and just goes, | And she just nods and just goes, |
759 | 00:35:38,470 | 00:35:40,055 | "You're gonna kill yourself." | "You're gonna kill yourself." |
760 | 00:35:40,847 | 00:35:41,848 | I just sat up, like... | I just sat up, like... |
761 | 00:35:43,767 | 00:35:45,143 | I'm like, "No, I'm not! | I'm like, "No, I'm not! |
762 | 00:35:45,727 | 00:35:47,354 | No, I am not!" | No, I am not!" |
763 | 00:35:47,437 | 00:35:48,980 | My wife wakes up. "What's the matter?" | My wife wakes up. "What's the matter?" |
764 | 00:35:49,064 | 00:35:52,275 | "I just had the most scary dream I've ever had in my life! It was horrible!" | "I just had the most scary dream I've ever had in my life! It was horrible!" |
765 | 00:35:52,359 | 00:35:53,902 | She's like, "Was I in it?" | She's like, "Was I in it?" |
766 | 00:35:54,569 | 00:35:56,863 | "No, you self-centered jackass! | "No, you self-centered jackass! |
767 | 00:35:57,489 | 00:35:59,074 | Jesus Christ! | Jesus Christ! |
768 | 00:35:59,157 | 00:36:01,117 | Not everything is about you, sweetheart. | Not everything is about you, sweetheart. |
769 | 00:36:01,201 | 00:36:04,496 | I love you, but it's not all about you. Now, shut up. I'm gonna..." | I love you, but it's not all about you. Now, shut up. I'm gonna..." |
770 | 00:36:04,579 | 00:36:06,831 | I tried to go to sleep in the same position | I tried to go to sleep in the same position |
771 | 00:36:06,915 | 00:36:09,000 | so I'd run into that little girl again, so I could, | so I'd run into that little girl again, so I could, |
772 | 00:36:09,084 | 00:36:12,003 | "Look, you little shit, you don't go around saying that to people!" | "Look, you little shit, you don't go around saying that to people!" |
773 | 00:36:13,922 | 00:36:15,507 | Now, I'm not gonna kill myself. | Now, I'm not gonna kill myself. |
774 | 00:36:16,132 | 00:36:19,386 | I don't know what that dream meant, because you dream in metaphors, man. | I don't know what that dream meant, because you dream in metaphors, man. |
775 | 00:36:19,469 | 00:36:20,595 | You know? I don't know. | You know? I don't know. |
776 | 00:36:21,221 | 00:36:22,806 | It just freaks me out, though, you know? | It just freaks me out, though, you know? |
777 | 00:36:23,306 | 00:36:24,724 | It disturbs my wife and shit. | It disturbs my wife and shit. |
778 | 00:36:24,808 | 00:36:27,185 | But there is one good thing about being a psycho. | But there is one good thing about being a psycho. |
779 | 00:36:27,268 | 00:36:29,145 | You know, a great thing about being a psycho | You know, a great thing about being a psycho |
780 | 00:36:29,229 | 00:36:31,481 | is you can spot another psycho | is you can spot another psycho |
781 | 00:36:31,564 | 00:36:32,857 | from a mile away. | from a mile away. |
782 | 00:36:32,941 | 00:36:34,859 | You know? That's a really great thing. | You know? That's a really great thing. |
783 | 00:36:35,652 | 00:36:37,987 | I can spot 'em. You know, it's in the eyes. | I can spot 'em. You know, it's in the eyes. |
784 | 00:36:38,071 | 00:36:39,531 | Never look at the costume. | Never look at the costume. |
785 | 00:36:40,031 | 00:36:42,033 | Nice people look at the costume. | Nice people look at the costume. |
786 | 00:36:42,117 | 00:36:44,369 | They'll see somebody in, like, dad jeans, | They'll see somebody in, like, dad jeans, |
787 | 00:36:44,452 | 00:36:46,371 | you know, pushing their kid on the swing, | you know, pushing their kid on the swing, |
788 | 00:36:46,454 | 00:36:47,706 | the whole nerdy sweater. | the whole nerdy sweater. |
789 | 00:36:47,789 | 00:36:48,957 | "Hey! How are you doing? | "Hey! How are you doing? |
790 | 00:36:49,040 | 00:36:52,877 | Can you believe the summer's already over? I mean, this is crazy, right? | Can you believe the summer's already over? I mean, this is crazy, right? |
791 | 00:36:52,961 | 00:36:56,297 | Oh, this one here has got me running around, you know? | Oh, this one here has got me running around, you know? |
792 | 00:36:56,381 | 00:36:58,550 | She's running the house! She's running the house." | She's running the house! She's running the house." |
793 | 00:37:01,052 | 00:37:04,097 | People are always like, "Oh, my God. He's so nice. | People are always like, "Oh, my God. He's so nice. |
794 | 00:37:04,180 | 00:37:05,390 | Such a great family man." | Such a great family man." |
795 | 00:37:05,473 | 00:37:09,144 | And I'm just sitting, thinking in my head, dude, that guy is a fucking psycho! | And I'm just sitting, thinking in my head, dude, that guy is a fucking psycho! |
796 | 00:37:09,227 | 00:37:10,228 | He's a psycho! | He's a psycho! |
797 | 00:37:10,770 | 00:37:12,647 | Look at his eyes. You don't see that? | Look at his eyes. You don't see that? |
798 | 00:37:12,731 | 00:37:14,691 | That dude is barely hanging on! | That dude is barely hanging on! |
799 | 00:37:14,774 | 00:37:18,194 | He is white-knuckling it through all the shit he thinks he's supposed to do. | He is white-knuckling it through all the shit he thinks he's supposed to do. |
800 | 00:37:18,278 | 00:37:20,238 | All that fucking guy needs, all he needs, | All that fucking guy needs, all he needs, |
801 | 00:37:20,321 | 00:37:21,906 | he just needs a little nudge. | he just needs a little nudge. |
802 | 00:37:21,990 | 00:37:23,867 | That's it, just a little nudge. | That's it, just a little nudge. |
803 | 00:37:23,950 | 00:37:26,119 | You have no idea what that guy's capable of. | You have no idea what that guy's capable of. |
804 | 00:37:26,202 | 00:37:29,956 | I would not want to see the hard drive of that man's computer, I'm telling you. | I would not want to see the hard drive of that man's computer, I'm telling you. |
805 | 00:37:32,667 | 00:37:34,961 | Yeah, so I do it all the time. | Yeah, so I do it all the time. |
806 | 00:37:35,044 | 00:37:38,006 | I'm pretty good at picking out psychos, and it drives my wife nuts. | I'm pretty good at picking out psychos, and it drives my wife nuts. |
807 | 00:37:38,089 | 00:37:41,050 | I remember she was one of the first people that got into Kanye West, right? | I remember she was one of the first people that got into Kanye West, right? |
808 | 00:37:41,134 | 00:37:43,595 | The great Kanye West. Everybody loves him and stuff, right? | The great Kanye West. Everybody loves him and stuff, right? |
809 | 00:37:43,678 | 00:37:46,264 | Oh, shut up. Jesus Christ. Why did I come to Nashville? | Oh, shut up. Jesus Christ. Why did I come to Nashville? |
810 | 00:37:46,347 | 00:37:47,682 | "Boo! It's a black artist! | "Boo! It's a black artist! |
811 | 00:37:47,766 | 00:37:49,392 | You're bringing it up in the Ryman. | You're bringing it up in the Ryman. |
812 | 00:37:49,476 | 00:37:50,602 | What the fuck? | What the fuck? |
813 | 00:37:50,685 | 00:37:52,270 | It's the Grand Ole Opry, man! | It's the Grand Ole Opry, man! |
814 | 00:37:53,354 | 00:37:54,939 | It's not MTV Raps!" | It's not MTV Raps!" |
815 | 00:37:57,025 | 00:37:58,109 | But I'm stereotyping you. | But I'm stereotyping you. |
816 | 00:37:58,193 | 00:38:00,612 | I'm acting like 'cause you're from the South, you're racists, | I'm acting like 'cause you're from the South, you're racists, |
817 | 00:38:00,695 | 00:38:02,781 | like all the racists are just down here. | like all the racists are just down here. |
818 | 00:38:02,864 | 00:38:05,867 | That isn't true. You know, they're all over the place. | That isn't true. You know, they're all over the place. |
819 | 00:38:08,036 | 00:38:10,163 | It's just different degrees. | It's just different degrees. |
820 | 00:38:11,039 | 00:38:12,040 | Right? | Right? |
821 | 00:38:13,708 | 00:38:16,336 | Like, me, I'm racist, like, at the end of the day. | Like, me, I'm racist, like, at the end of the day. |
822 | 00:38:16,419 | 00:38:18,421 | Like, I'm a great fucking guy, | Like, I'm a great fucking guy, |
823 | 00:38:18,505 | 00:38:20,507 | I don't give a shit who you are in the morning. | I don't give a shit who you are in the morning. |
824 | 00:38:20,590 | 00:38:23,176 | You're eating your cereal. "Hey! How are you? What's going on?" | You're eating your cereal. "Hey! How are you? What's going on?" |
825 | 00:38:23,259 | 00:38:25,678 | But as the sun starts to go down | But as the sun starts to go down |
826 | 00:38:25,762 | 00:38:27,639 | and the fear starts coming up, | and the fear starts coming up, |
827 | 00:38:27,722 | 00:38:30,183 | that's when you start thinking the worst of people, right? | that's when you start thinking the worst of people, right? |
828 | 00:38:31,976 | 00:38:33,436 | I know, nobody's gonna be honest. | I know, nobody's gonna be honest. |
829 | 00:38:33,520 | 00:38:35,939 | I don't give a fuck who you are. | I don't give a fuck who you are. |
830 | 00:38:36,022 | 00:38:37,106 | Twelve, midnight, | Twelve, midnight, |
831 | 00:38:37,190 | 00:38:39,108 | in a parking garage by yourself, | in a parking garage by yourself, |
832 | 00:38:39,192 | 00:38:40,693 | whatever is walking at you, | whatever is walking at you, |
833 | 00:38:40,777 | 00:38:42,070 | there's no happy thoughts. | there's no happy thoughts. |
834 | 00:38:43,238 | 00:38:44,864 | You're not thinking, "Oh, that guy, | You're not thinking, "Oh, that guy, |
835 | 00:38:44,948 | 00:38:47,951 | he's probably uh... he's probably building a website and..." | he's probably uh... he's probably building a website and..." |
836 | 00:38:48,034 | 00:38:49,327 | You're not thinking that. | You're not thinking that. |
837 | 00:38:50,370 | 00:38:52,121 | That dude's gonna cut me up, eat me. | That dude's gonna cut me up, eat me. |
838 | 00:38:52,205 | 00:38:55,458 | Whatever he doesn't eat, he's gonna fuck. That is what you think, right? | Whatever he doesn't eat, he's gonna fuck. That is what you think, right? |
839 | 00:38:56,751 | 00:38:57,585 | All right? | All right? |
840 | 00:38:57,669 | 00:39:00,964 | But if you do that at night, that's normal, I think, because it's fear. | But if you do that at night, that's normal, I think, because it's fear. |
841 | 00:39:01,047 | 00:39:04,509 | It's the people at breakfast that are already just sitting there, like, | It's the people at breakfast that are already just sitting there, like, |
842 | 00:39:04,592 | 00:39:05,718 | "Fucking Jews!" | "Fucking Jews!" |
843 | 00:39:05,802 | 00:39:07,554 | You know, that's when you've got an issue. | You know, that's when you've got an issue. |
844 | 00:39:09,264 | 00:39:10,473 | So... | So... |
845 | 00:39:11,099 | 00:39:13,893 | So, anyway... I've just got to do this. | So, anyway... I've just got to do this. |
846 | 00:39:13,977 | 00:39:17,063 | When you talk about race and that shit as a white dude, you've got to go easy. | When you talk about race and that shit as a white dude, you've got to go easy. |
847 | 00:39:17,146 | 00:39:20,525 | You know, because very easily it starts feeling like a meeting. You know? | You know, because very easily it starts feeling like a meeting. You know? |
848 | 00:39:20,608 | 00:39:23,444 | Whenever I start hearing, like, "Yeah! All right! Whoo!" | Whenever I start hearing, like, "Yeah! All right! Whoo!" |
849 | 00:39:23,528 | 00:39:27,115 | That's when I go, "I've got to pull back. People aren't seeing what I'm saying. | That's when I go, "I've got to pull back. People aren't seeing what I'm saying. |
850 | 00:39:27,198 | 00:39:28,449 | I wore a country shirt. | I wore a country shirt. |
851 | 00:39:29,200 | 00:39:31,286 | Things are getting a little off the rails here." | Things are getting a little off the rails here." |
852 | 00:39:32,078 | 00:39:33,371 | Can I get back to Kanye West? | Can I get back to Kanye West? |
853 | 00:39:33,454 | 00:39:36,708 | Half of you have probably downloaded his shit. All right? All right, here we go. | Half of you have probably downloaded his shit. All right? All right, here we go. |
854 | 00:39:37,542 | 00:39:41,170 | So, my wife got freaked out because... Early on, she was loving the guy. | So, my wife got freaked out because... Early on, she was loving the guy. |
855 | 00:39:41,254 | 00:39:44,215 | And I was thinking he was cool. Then, one day, I saw him do an interview. | And I was thinking he was cool. Then, one day, I saw him do an interview. |
856 | 00:39:44,299 | 00:39:46,175 | He was talking shit about how great he was, | He was talking shit about how great he was, |
857 | 00:39:46,259 | 00:39:49,554 | and there was just this look that was in his eye, and it just made me nervous. | and there was just this look that was in his eye, and it just made me nervous. |
858 | 00:39:49,637 | 00:39:51,347 | I'm like, "Dude, this guy is uh... | I'm like, "Dude, this guy is uh... |
859 | 00:39:51,431 | 00:39:53,641 | This guy is, like... This guy is volatile, man. | This guy is, like... This guy is volatile, man. |
860 | 00:39:53,725 | 00:39:56,311 | There's something with this guy. He's making me nervous. | There's something with this guy. He's making me nervous. |
861 | 00:39:57,812 | 00:40:00,607 | This guy is, like, right on the edge of, like, snapping, right?" | This guy is, like, right on the edge of, like, snapping, right?" |
862 | 00:40:00,690 | 00:40:02,191 | She goes, "You're out of your mind." | She goes, "You're out of your mind." |
863 | 00:40:02,275 | 00:40:04,736 | I was thinking, "I don't know. I think this guy is fucked up." | I was thinking, "I don't know. I think this guy is fucked up." |
864 | 00:40:04,819 | 00:40:07,071 | Then I was convinced, because one day I came walking in, | Then I was convinced, because one day I came walking in, |
865 | 00:40:07,155 | 00:40:09,991 | she was listening to him do an interview, and I didn't know it was him. | she was listening to him do an interview, and I didn't know it was him. |
866 | 00:40:10,074 | 00:40:11,993 | He was talking about how great he was, | He was talking about how great he was, |
867 | 00:40:12,076 | 00:40:14,495 | and I came walking in, and all I did was hear this shit. | and I came walking in, and all I did was hear this shit. |
868 | 00:40:14,579 | 00:40:17,790 | And, like, literally, a chill ran down my spine, | And, like, literally, a chill ran down my spine, |
869 | 00:40:17,874 | 00:40:21,002 | and I just started thinking, like, "No! No! No!" | and I just started thinking, like, "No! No! No!" |
870 | 00:40:21,085 | 00:40:22,253 | And I turned, and I looked. | And I turned, and I looked. |
871 | 00:40:22,337 | 00:40:24,172 | Before it even registered that it was Kanye, | Before it even registered that it was Kanye, |
872 | 00:40:24,255 | 00:40:26,299 | my first thought was, "Oh, thank God. | my first thought was, "Oh, thank God. |
873 | 00:40:26,382 | 00:40:28,468 | Oh, thank God. It's just a black guy." | Oh, thank God. It's just a black guy." |
874 | 00:40:32,013 | 00:40:33,097 | "Thank God! | "Thank God! |
875 | 00:40:33,973 | 00:40:35,642 | It's just a black guy." | It's just a black guy." |
876 | 00:40:36,601 | 00:40:38,269 | Yeah, I know, you're right to pull back. | Yeah, I know, you're right to pull back. |
877 | 00:40:39,646 | 00:40:42,106 | It's right to get awkward, you don't know where this could go. | It's right to get awkward, you don't know where this could go. |
878 | 00:40:42,190 | 00:40:46,527 | This could very easily go in a Klan-ish direction, okay? | This could very easily go in a Klan-ish direction, okay? |
879 | 00:40:47,737 | 00:40:49,489 | So just let me clarify. | So just let me clarify. |
880 | 00:40:49,572 | 00:40:50,573 | Just hear me out. | Just hear me out. |
881 | 00:40:50,657 | 00:40:52,825 | I'm thinking, "Thank God it's a black guy," | I'm thinking, "Thank God it's a black guy," |
882 | 00:40:52,909 | 00:40:56,204 | meaning, "Thank God that ego that is in him..." | meaning, "Thank God that ego that is in him..." |
883 | 00:40:56,287 | 00:40:58,706 | When that thing floated down from the heavens, | When that thing floated down from the heavens, |
884 | 00:40:58,790 | 00:40:59,999 | or the cosmos, | or the cosmos, |
885 | 00:41:00,083 | 00:41:03,002 | whatever the hell Joel Osteen shit you believe... | whatever the hell Joel Osteen shit you believe... |
886 | 00:41:03,086 | 00:41:04,420 | All right? | All right? |
887 | 00:41:05,088 | 00:41:08,299 | When that thing was floating down, it could have landed in anybody. | When that thing was floating down, it could have landed in anybody. |
888 | 00:41:08,383 | 00:41:09,384 | Thank God... | Thank God... |
889 | 00:41:09,926 | 00:41:11,594 | it landed in a black guy. | it landed in a black guy. |
890 | 00:41:11,678 | 00:41:14,013 | Thank God it got wrapped up in that, | Thank God it got wrapped up in that, |
891 | 00:41:14,097 | 00:41:15,723 | trapped within that. | trapped within that. |
892 | 00:41:16,557 | 00:41:17,642 | It's safe in there. | It's safe in there. |
893 | 00:41:18,851 | 00:41:21,646 | No reason to worry when it's in there, | No reason to worry when it's in there, |
894 | 00:41:21,729 | 00:41:25,692 | because if that ego, however, had floated down... | because if that ego, however, had floated down... |
895 | 00:41:25,775 | 00:41:28,194 | and landed in a blue-eyed white dude, | and landed in a blue-eyed white dude, |
896 | 00:41:28,277 | 00:41:31,698 | there is no telling the damage that could have been done. | there is no telling the damage that could have been done. |
897 | 00:41:32,615 | 00:41:35,368 | You're talking entire civilizations wiped out... | You're talking entire civilizations wiped out... |
898 | 00:41:36,369 | 00:41:37,578 | worldwide famine, | worldwide famine, |
899 | 00:41:37,662 | 00:41:39,706 | the moon colliding with the Earth. | the moon colliding with the Earth. |
900 | 00:41:40,206 | 00:41:43,543 | Thank God that ego landed in a black guy. | Thank God that ego landed in a black guy. |
901 | 00:41:45,003 | 00:41:49,048 | Because he's just as nuts as some of the craziest white dudes of all time, | Because he's just as nuts as some of the craziest white dudes of all time, |
902 | 00:41:49,132 | 00:41:51,134 | he just doesn't have the opportunity | he just doesn't have the opportunity |
903 | 00:41:51,217 | 00:41:53,219 | to follow through with the madness. | to follow through with the madness. |
904 | 00:41:53,970 | 00:41:56,723 | Right? Yeah, there's a glass ceiling on evil. | Right? Yeah, there's a glass ceiling on evil. |
905 | 00:41:57,515 | 00:41:58,850 | You never noticed that? | You never noticed that? |
906 | 00:42:00,393 | 00:42:02,895 | Dude, go home, put on the History channel. | Dude, go home, put on the History channel. |
907 | 00:42:02,979 | 00:42:04,856 | Like, the top nine out of ten | Like, the top nine out of ten |
908 | 00:42:04,939 | 00:42:07,025 | most batshit-crazy dudes | most batshit-crazy dudes |
909 | 00:42:07,108 | 00:42:08,443 | who ever walked the earth | who ever walked the earth |
910 | 00:42:08,526 | 00:42:10,028 | are all white dudes. | are all white dudes. |
911 | 00:42:10,111 | 00:42:13,406 | Now, why is that? Because white dudes are more evil than anybody else? | Now, why is that? Because white dudes are more evil than anybody else? |
912 | 00:42:13,489 | 00:42:14,615 | It's a possibility. | It's a possibility. |
913 | 00:42:15,366 | 00:42:16,909 | It's a possibility. | It's a possibility. |
914 | 00:42:16,993 | 00:42:18,536 | We've definitely got the numbers. | We've definitely got the numbers. |
915 | 00:42:20,163 | 00:42:21,581 | But I think it's different. | But I think it's different. |
916 | 00:42:21,664 | 00:42:24,625 | You know what it is? Nobody's watching white dudes. Right? | You know what it is? Nobody's watching white dudes. Right? |
917 | 00:42:24,709 | 00:42:27,170 | White dudes, too many of 'em gather and somebody pulls up, | White dudes, too many of 'em gather and somebody pulls up, |
918 | 00:42:27,253 | 00:42:29,130 | "All right, break it up! Keep it moving! | "All right, break it up! Keep it moving! |
919 | 00:42:29,213 | 00:42:30,631 | Get out of here!" | Get out of here!" |
920 | 00:42:30,715 | 00:42:33,801 | Getting pulled over for no fucking reason, none of that shit. | Getting pulled over for no fucking reason, none of that shit. |
921 | 00:42:33,885 | 00:42:35,803 | You're a white dude. It's just an open field. | You're a white dude. It's just an open field. |
922 | 00:42:35,887 | 00:42:38,014 | Anything you think, "Hey, I'm gonna do that." | Anything you think, "Hey, I'm gonna do that." |
923 | 00:42:38,097 | 00:42:40,141 | No one's stopping you. You just... | No one's stopping you. You just... |
924 | 00:42:40,224 | 00:42:41,434 | You just start running. | You just start running. |
925 | 00:42:41,934 | 00:42:44,353 | Next thing you know, you're handing out buttons, | Next thing you know, you're handing out buttons, |
926 | 00:42:44,437 | 00:42:45,897 | you've got your own uniform. | you've got your own uniform. |
927 | 00:42:46,606 | 00:42:48,691 | You're starting a fucking war, right? | You're starting a fucking war, right? |
928 | 00:42:49,942 | 00:42:51,903 | All Kanye West is allowed to do | All Kanye West is allowed to do |
929 | 00:42:51,986 | 00:42:53,529 | is fuck up an award show | is fuck up an award show |
930 | 00:42:53,613 | 00:42:55,073 | every three to four years. | every three to four years. |
931 | 00:42:56,115 | 00:42:59,911 | Make a public service announcement a little awkward for Mike Myers. | Make a public service announcement a little awkward for Mike Myers. |
932 | 00:43:00,745 | 00:43:02,789 | That's as far as he's ever gonna get. | That's as far as he's ever gonna get. |
933 | 00:43:06,626 | 00:43:08,086 | I know, I know. You don't believe me. | I know, I know. You don't believe me. |
934 | 00:43:08,169 | 00:43:09,295 | Dude, okay, | Dude, okay, |
935 | 00:43:09,378 | 00:43:11,380 | next time Kanye's going off on himself, | next time Kanye's going off on himself, |
936 | 00:43:11,464 | 00:43:13,925 | I'm telling you, just close your eyes, forget it's him | I'm telling you, just close your eyes, forget it's him |
937 | 00:43:14,008 | 00:43:17,470 | and really listen to what is coming out of this guy's mouth. | and really listen to what is coming out of this guy's mouth. |
938 | 00:43:18,012 | 00:43:19,597 | He says shit like, "I'm a genius." | He says shit like, "I'm a genius." |
939 | 00:43:20,515 | 00:43:21,974 | "I'm a god. I'm Shakespeare." | "I'm a god. I'm Shakespeare." |
940 | 00:43:23,101 | 00:43:26,437 | "My biggest regret is I'll never get to see myself perform live." | "My biggest regret is I'll never get to see myself perform live." |
941 | 00:43:28,272 | 00:43:29,482 | That's a direct quote. | That's a direct quote. |
942 | 00:43:29,565 | 00:43:33,861 | "My biggest regret is I'll never get to see myself perform live." | "My biggest regret is I'll never get to see myself perform live." |
943 | 00:43:33,945 | 00:43:36,155 | Dude, you put that ego in a white dude, then it's... | Dude, you put that ego in a white dude, then it's... |
944 | 00:43:38,366 | 00:43:41,828 | "...and the blitzkrieg, and the superior race!" | "...and the blitzkrieg, and the superior race!" |
945 | 00:43:45,164 | 00:43:47,708 | "Vienna will return to Deutschland first!" | "Vienna will return to Deutschland first!" |
946 | 00:43:52,755 | 00:43:54,757 | No, I'm telling you. But we're okay. | No, I'm telling you. But we're okay. |
947 | 00:43:54,841 | 00:43:56,843 | We're okay. It's in a black guy. | We're okay. It's in a black guy. |
948 | 00:43:58,302 | 00:43:59,637 | Nothing's gonna happen. | Nothing's gonna happen. |
949 | 00:44:00,763 | 00:44:02,140 | You never noticed that shit? | You never noticed that shit? |
950 | 00:44:02,849 | 00:44:05,268 | Crazy black guys, as far as they can get, | Crazy black guys, as far as they can get, |
951 | 00:44:05,351 | 00:44:07,520 | they can just freak people out in the subway. | they can just freak people out in the subway. |
952 | 00:44:08,187 | 00:44:11,232 | They can stand on a street corner with their book and their friends, | They can stand on a street corner with their book and their friends, |
953 | 00:44:11,315 | 00:44:12,692 | just yelling about white people. | just yelling about white people. |
954 | 00:44:12,775 | 00:44:13,901 | "These people got tails! | "These people got tails! |
955 | 00:44:13,985 | 00:44:15,862 | The motherfuckers got tails! They're evil!" | The motherfuckers got tails! They're evil!" |
956 | 00:44:15,945 | 00:44:17,238 | You just cross the street. | You just cross the street. |
957 | 00:44:17,738 | 00:44:18,739 | That's it. | That's it. |
958 | 00:44:19,824 | 00:44:24,412 | In a perfect world, Hitler never would have made it past the subway level. | In a perfect world, Hitler never would have made it past the subway level. |
959 | 00:44:24,495 | 00:44:26,455 | That's as far as he ever would have got. | That's as far as he ever would have got. |
960 | 00:44:27,206 | 00:44:29,834 | You would have been on the train. "What are you gonna do tonight?" | You would have been on the train. "What are you gonna do tonight?" |
961 | 00:44:29,917 | 00:44:31,502 | "Play a little fantasy football." | "Play a little fantasy football." |
962 | 00:44:31,586 | 00:44:33,754 | The door would just open. He'd come walking through. | The door would just open. He'd come walking through. |
963 | 00:44:33,838 | 00:44:36,799 | "And they should have the blue eyes and the blonde hair, | "And they should have the blue eyes and the blonde hair, |
964 | 00:44:36,883 | 00:44:38,467 | and the pubes like the sun!" | and the pubes like the sun!" |
965 | 00:44:38,551 | 00:44:41,888 | And you're just sitting there. "Just ignore him. Let him pass through. | And you're just sitting there. "Just ignore him. Let him pass through. |
966 | 00:44:41,971 | 00:44:42,972 | Let him pass through." | Let him pass through." |
967 | 00:44:43,055 | 00:44:45,391 | And he'd just walk into the other part of the train. | And he'd just walk into the other part of the train. |
968 | 00:44:45,474 | 00:44:48,477 | Literally, a world war just passing through. | Literally, a world war just passing through. |
969 | 00:44:49,353 | 00:44:50,688 | But he was a white dude, | But he was a white dude, |
970 | 00:44:50,771 | 00:44:53,232 | no one watched him and his hair was flopping around, | no one watched him and his hair was flopping around, |
971 | 00:44:53,316 | 00:44:54,817 | and nobody gave a fuck. | and nobody gave a fuck. |
972 | 00:44:54,901 | 00:44:55,902 | All right? | All right? |
973 | 00:44:57,486 | 00:44:59,572 | So that's kind of like the weird lesson... | So that's kind of like the weird lesson... |
974 | 00:45:00,698 | 00:45:02,366 | that I learned with Kanye West. | that I learned with Kanye West. |
975 | 00:45:03,451 | 00:45:04,452 | You know? | You know? |
976 | 00:45:06,621 | 00:45:09,582 | Like, every once in a while, racism works. | Like, every once in a while, racism works. |
977 | 00:45:11,876 | 00:45:14,378 | Like, 99.9 per cent of the time, | Like, 99.9 per cent of the time, |
978 | 00:45:14,462 | 00:45:16,297 | it's the ugliest thing we do to one another, | it's the ugliest thing we do to one another, |
979 | 00:45:16,380 | 00:45:18,257 | but every once in a while we get lucky | but every once in a while we get lucky |
980 | 00:45:18,341 | 00:45:21,344 | and that marble, it just rolls into the right hole | and that marble, it just rolls into the right hole |
981 | 00:45:21,427 | 00:45:22,678 | and we get off easy. | and we get off easy. |
982 | 00:45:24,597 | 00:45:26,015 | We got off easy with that guy. | We got off easy with that guy. |
983 | 00:45:28,392 | 00:45:31,520 | I've got to commend you guys. You did well with the Hitler reference. | I've got to commend you guys. You did well with the Hitler reference. |
984 | 00:45:32,146 | 00:45:33,147 | You did all right. | You did all right. |
985 | 00:45:33,230 | 00:45:35,232 | Nothing quiets a room | Nothing quiets a room |
986 | 00:45:35,316 | 00:45:36,984 | like dropping the H-bomb. | like dropping the H-bomb. |
987 | 00:45:38,903 | 00:45:42,114 | You bring up Adolf Hitler, it gets fucking quiet, to this day. | You bring up Adolf Hitler, it gets fucking quiet, to this day. |
988 | 00:45:42,698 | 00:45:44,575 | This dude, fucking, he died, like, what, | This dude, fucking, he died, like, what, |
989 | 00:45:44,659 | 00:45:46,994 | 75 fucking years ago, allegedly. | 75 fucking years ago, allegedly. |
990 | 00:45:47,078 | 00:45:48,621 | You know? | You know? |
991 | 00:45:48,704 | 00:45:50,748 | Some think he went down to South America... | Some think he went down to South America... |
992 | 00:45:50,831 | 00:45:52,667 | "And why are they so brown?" | "And why are they so brown?" |
993 | 00:45:52,750 | 00:45:54,293 | ...for the rest of his life. | ...for the rest of his life. |
994 | 00:45:54,377 | 00:45:56,754 | At this point, even if he lived, he's fucking dead, right? | At this point, even if he lived, he's fucking dead, right? |
995 | 00:45:58,631 | 00:45:59,840 | We can go with that, right? | We can go with that, right? |
996 | 00:46:02,093 | 00:46:03,970 | But still, to this day, though, | But still, to this day, though, |
997 | 00:46:04,053 | 00:46:06,222 | even though he died let's say 75-fucking-years ago, | even though he died let's say 75-fucking-years ago, |
998 | 00:46:06,305 | 00:46:07,932 | he's still the benchmark for evil. | he's still the benchmark for evil. |
999 | 00:46:08,015 | 00:46:10,059 | Have you ever noticed that? He is the reference. | Have you ever noticed that? He is the reference. |
1000 | 00:46:10,142 | 00:46:13,437 | Any time you want to say somebody's evil, you just say, "He is the next Hitler." | Any time you want to say somebody's evil, you just say, "He is the next Hitler." |
1001 | 00:46:13,521 | 00:46:16,857 | "Donald Trump, he's the next Hitler." "Saddam Hussein, he's the next Hitler." | "Donald Trump, he's the next Hitler." "Saddam Hussein, he's the next Hitler." |
1002 | 00:46:16,941 | 00:46:19,110 | It's always, "He's the next Hitler," okay? | It's always, "He's the next Hitler," okay? |
1003 | 00:46:19,193 | 00:46:22,863 | I don't know what the fuck they used to say before Hitler came around, right? | I don't know what the fuck they used to say before Hitler came around, right? |
1004 | 00:46:24,156 | 00:46:25,574 | "He's the next Genghis Khan." | "He's the next Genghis Khan." |
1005 | 00:46:25,658 | 00:46:26,742 | "He's the next Napoleon." | "He's the next Napoleon." |
1006 | 00:46:26,826 | 00:46:29,286 | I don't know, Ivan the Terrible. I don't know what they said. | I don't know, Ivan the Terrible. I don't know what they said. |
1007 | 00:46:29,370 | 00:46:31,706 | But whatever they used to say, he wiped them all out. | But whatever they used to say, he wiped them all out. |
1008 | 00:46:31,789 | 00:46:33,791 | He was so fucked up, | He was so fucked up, |
1009 | 00:46:33,874 | 00:46:36,419 | it's like what they did didn't even exist any more. | it's like what they did didn't even exist any more. |
1010 | 00:46:36,502 | 00:46:39,839 | All right? It's like when Michael Jordan came into the NBA. | All right? It's like when Michael Jordan came into the NBA. |
1011 | 00:46:40,339 | 00:46:42,133 | He was so fucking good... | He was so fucking good... |
1012 | 00:46:43,050 | 00:46:44,343 | he wiped out everyone. | he wiped out everyone. |
1013 | 00:46:45,011 | 00:46:47,054 | No one ever goes, "He's the next Dr. J." | No one ever goes, "He's the next Dr. J." |
1014 | 00:46:47,138 | 00:46:49,098 | "He's the next Wilt." No one says that. | "He's the next Wilt." No one says that. |
1015 | 00:46:49,181 | 00:46:51,100 | It's always, "He's the next Mike." | It's always, "He's the next Mike." |
1016 | 00:46:51,183 | 00:46:52,018 | Right? | Right? |
1017 | 00:46:52,601 | 00:46:55,938 | Adolf Hitler is the Michael Jordan of evil. | Adolf Hitler is the Michael Jordan of evil. |
1018 | 00:46:57,898 | 00:46:58,733 | He is. | He is. |
1019 | 00:46:58,816 | 00:47:03,946 | Like, Nike literally should have made him a sneaker, like a giant fucking boot. | Like, Nike literally should have made him a sneaker, like a giant fucking boot. |
1020 | 00:47:04,030 | 00:47:07,241 | You know, it's all stiff around your knees so you get that walk going down. | You know, it's all stiff around your knees so you get that walk going down. |
1021 | 00:47:07,908 | 00:47:08,743 | Right? | Right? |
1022 | 00:47:09,285 | 00:47:12,038 | Like, if there was an evil hall of fame, | Like, if there was an evil hall of fame, |
1023 | 00:47:12,121 | 00:47:13,622 | you've got to put Hitler in. | you've got to put Hitler in. |
1024 | 00:47:13,706 | 00:47:16,709 | He's first-ballot hall-of-fame evil. | He's first-ballot hall-of-fame evil. |
1025 | 00:47:16,792 | 00:47:18,794 | Okay? Undeniable stats. | Okay? Undeniable stats. |
1026 | 00:47:19,295 | 00:47:21,630 | He's got the career numbers. You know? | He's got the career numbers. You know? |
1027 | 00:47:21,714 | 00:47:23,674 | Six to nine million dingers, | Six to nine million dingers, |
1028 | 00:47:23,758 | 00:47:24,842 | you're getting in. | you're getting in. |
1029 | 00:47:26,343 | 00:47:27,470 | You're getting in. | You're getting in. |
1030 | 00:47:29,472 | 00:47:31,223 | People, its a sports analogy. | People, its a sports analogy. |
1031 | 00:47:31,307 | 00:47:33,642 | I'm not advocating what the man did. | I'm not advocating what the man did. |
1032 | 00:47:33,726 | 00:47:36,520 | Can we all be adults here? All right? | Can we all be adults here? All right? |
1033 | 00:47:37,188 | 00:47:40,775 | Am I gonna be on a split screen tomorrow morning with some blogger? | Am I gonna be on a split screen tomorrow morning with some blogger? |
1034 | 00:47:41,817 | 00:47:43,736 | On some Good Morning, Nashville show. | On some Good Morning, Nashville show. |
1035 | 00:47:45,112 | 00:47:47,031 | "Comedy: Can it go too far? | "Comedy: Can it go too far? |
1036 | 00:47:47,114 | 00:47:48,949 | Last night at the Ryman Theater..." | Last night at the Ryman Theater..." |
1037 | 00:47:50,367 | 00:47:51,786 | "...making fun of fat people, | "...making fun of fat people, |
1038 | 00:47:51,869 | 00:47:53,829 | sinking cruise ships was all fine. | sinking cruise ships was all fine. |
1039 | 00:47:53,913 | 00:47:56,082 | Suddenly, it took a horrible, | Suddenly, it took a horrible, |
1040 | 00:47:56,165 | 00:47:57,458 | horrible turn. | horrible turn. |
1041 | 00:47:57,541 | 00:48:01,462 | Fortunately, local blogger Maggie Maggenhall | Fortunately, local blogger Maggie Maggenhall |
1042 | 00:48:01,545 | 00:48:02,755 | was on the scene. | was on the scene. |
1043 | 00:48:02,838 | 00:48:04,632 | Maggie, can you describe | Maggie, can you describe |
1044 | 00:48:04,715 | 00:48:06,634 | what you were subjected to... | what you were subjected to... |
1045 | 00:48:07,468 | 00:48:10,012 | during last night's horrible rant?" | during last night's horrible rant?" |
1046 | 00:48:10,888 | 00:48:14,850 | "Well, first of all, everybody that knows me knows I have a great sense of humor. | "Well, first of all, everybody that knows me knows I have a great sense of humor. |
1047 | 00:48:14,934 | 00:48:16,143 | I think this is funny, | I think this is funny, |
1048 | 00:48:16,227 | 00:48:17,478 | I think that is funny, | I think that is funny, |
1049 | 00:48:17,561 | 00:48:20,314 | but that, last night, that was not funny." | but that, last night, that was not funny." |
1050 | 00:48:22,149 | 00:48:23,359 | It always goes down like that. | It always goes down like that. |
1051 | 00:48:23,442 | 00:48:24,860 | They always have to establish | They always have to establish |
1052 | 00:48:24,944 | 00:48:27,238 | what a wonderful sense of humor they have. | what a wonderful sense of humor they have. |
1053 | 00:48:29,365 | 00:48:30,658 | No, it's a sports analogy. | No, it's a sports analogy. |
1054 | 00:48:31,450 | 00:48:32,326 | Okay? | Okay? |
1055 | 00:48:32,409 | 00:48:35,121 | Six to nine million. He got all of that one! | Six to nine million. He got all of that one! |
1056 | 00:48:35,204 | 00:48:37,748 | He had power from both sides of the plate. | He had power from both sides of the plate. |
1057 | 00:48:37,832 | 00:48:39,875 | He'd have his own fucking wing. | He'd have his own fucking wing. |
1058 | 00:48:40,459 | 00:48:42,753 | Okay? But this is what kills me about Hitler. | Okay? But this is what kills me about Hitler. |
1059 | 00:48:42,837 | 00:48:44,338 | Killed six to nine million people. | Killed six to nine million people. |
1060 | 00:48:44,421 | 00:48:47,758 | Meanwhile, Stalin killed 20 to 25 million, | Meanwhile, Stalin killed 20 to 25 million, |
1061 | 00:48:47,842 | 00:48:50,594 | basically over the exact same period, okay? | basically over the exact same period, okay? |
1062 | 00:48:50,678 | 00:48:52,388 | Yet, he cannot get arrested | Yet, he cannot get arrested |
1063 | 00:48:52,471 | 00:48:56,016 | in the conversation of most fucked-up dude who ever walked the planet. | in the conversation of most fucked-up dude who ever walked the planet. |
1064 | 00:48:56,100 | 00:48:58,561 | It's always, "He's the next Hitler. He's the next Hitler." | It's always, "He's the next Hitler. He's the next Hitler." |
1065 | 00:48:58,644 | 00:49:01,105 | Well, how many fucking people do you have to kill | Well, how many fucking people do you have to kill |
1066 | 00:49:01,188 | 00:49:02,731 | just to get a little shout-out, | just to get a little shout-out, |
1067 | 00:49:02,815 | 00:49:04,108 | a little tip of the cap? | a little tip of the cap? |
1068 | 00:49:04,859 | 00:49:07,027 | "What do you think of this guy?" "He's the next Hitler." | "What do you think of this guy?" "He's the next Hitler." |
1069 | 00:49:07,111 | 00:49:09,947 | How about, every once in a while, "This guy's a little Stalin-esque"? | How about, every once in a while, "This guy's a little Stalin-esque"? |
1070 | 00:49:10,030 | 00:49:12,491 | "I see a little Jo-Jo in this guy." Right? | "I see a little Jo-Jo in this guy." Right? |
1071 | 00:49:13,784 | 00:49:16,662 | He almost tripled his fucking numbers. | He almost tripled his fucking numbers. |
1072 | 00:49:17,663 | 00:49:19,790 | He gets brought up like he was a backup! | He gets brought up like he was a backup! |
1073 | 00:49:22,626 | 00:49:24,420 | Why don't his kills count? | Why don't his kills count? |
1074 | 00:49:24,503 | 00:49:25,796 | Does anybody... | Does anybody... |
1075 | 00:49:25,880 | 00:49:28,382 | Anybody, why doesn't his fucking kills count? I don't get it. | Anybody, why doesn't his fucking kills count? I don't get it. |
1076 | 00:49:28,465 | 00:49:31,218 | Is it because he just looked like some regular guy, your neighbor? | Is it because he just looked like some regular guy, your neighbor? |
1077 | 00:49:31,302 | 00:49:33,345 | You know, driving a little John Deere. | You know, driving a little John Deere. |
1078 | 00:49:33,429 | 00:49:35,681 | "I just killed a million Ukrainians." | "I just killed a million Ukrainians." |
1079 | 00:49:35,764 | 00:49:37,766 | He just drives around his yard. | He just drives around his yard. |
1080 | 00:49:38,350 | 00:49:39,435 | Is that what it is? | Is that what it is? |
1081 | 00:49:41,228 | 00:49:44,231 | I think it is. Hitler just... I don't know, he just looked the part. | I think it is. Hitler just... I don't know, he just looked the part. |
1082 | 00:49:44,315 | 00:49:46,275 | He's like... From central casting, | He's like... From central casting, |
1083 | 00:49:46,358 | 00:49:48,485 | you couldn't pick a more evil-looking dude. | you couldn't pick a more evil-looking dude. |
1084 | 00:49:48,986 | 00:49:50,029 | Like, go home tonight, | Like, go home tonight, |
1085 | 00:49:50,112 | 00:49:51,822 | google pictures of Adolf Hitler. | google pictures of Adolf Hitler. |
1086 | 00:49:51,906 | 00:49:55,576 | Get put on the same watch list that I'm on, all right? | Get put on the same watch list that I'm on, all right? |
1087 | 00:49:57,995 | 00:50:01,916 | I'm telling you, there's not one cute picture of that guy his whole life. | I'm telling you, there's not one cute picture of that guy his whole life. |
1088 | 00:50:01,999 | 00:50:03,500 | It's just all pure evil. | It's just all pure evil. |
1089 | 00:50:03,584 | 00:50:06,003 | There's no, like, teenage boy-band years, like... | There's no, like, teenage boy-band years, like... |
1090 | 00:50:08,881 | 00:50:11,008 | You google a picture of Adolf as a baby. | You google a picture of Adolf as a baby. |
1091 | 00:50:11,091 | 00:50:14,845 | You look at that thing, you're like, "Dude, drown that fucking thing! Drown it! | You look at that thing, you're like, "Dude, drown that fucking thing! Drown it! |
1092 | 00:50:14,929 | 00:50:17,181 | Take it down to the river, stick it under a rock. | Take it down to the river, stick it under a rock. |
1093 | 00:50:17,264 | 00:50:20,434 | If you don't do it, I'm gonna fucking do it. I swear to God, it's looking at me. | If you don't do it, I'm gonna fucking do it. I swear to God, it's looking at me. |
1094 | 00:50:20,517 | 00:50:22,603 | I would kick it right in its baby chest... | I would kick it right in its baby chest... |
1095 | 00:50:23,354 | 00:50:25,022 | and feel no guilt whatsoever." | and feel no guilt whatsoever." |
1096 | 00:50:26,649 | 00:50:28,275 | Dude, Hitler is actually so evil, | Dude, Hitler is actually so evil, |
1097 | 00:50:28,359 | 00:50:30,778 | he actually makes me want to learn how to speak German. | he actually makes me want to learn how to speak German. |
1098 | 00:50:30,861 | 00:50:32,196 | You know what I mean? | You know what I mean? |
1099 | 00:50:32,279 | 00:50:35,991 | I just want to know, what the fuck was he saying to those people? Every speech. | I just want to know, what the fuck was he saying to those people? Every speech. |
1100 | 00:50:37,743 | 00:50:39,870 | He's so clearly out of his fucking mind. | He's so clearly out of his fucking mind. |
1101 | 00:50:39,954 | 00:50:41,538 | It's got to be what he's saying. | It's got to be what he's saying. |
1102 | 00:50:42,748 | 00:50:43,916 | What the fuck did he say? | What the fuck did he say? |
1103 | 00:50:44,875 | 00:50:46,252 | There's no way he said | There's no way he said |
1104 | 00:50:46,335 | 00:50:48,754 | what he planned on doing from the get-go. | what he planned on doing from the get-go. |
1105 | 00:50:48,837 | 00:50:50,714 | Some unknown candidate, | Some unknown candidate, |
1106 | 00:50:50,798 | 00:50:52,591 | right, early on... | right, early on... |
1107 | 00:50:53,884 | 00:50:57,054 | "Okay, our next speaker coming to the stage..." | "Okay, our next speaker coming to the stage..." |
1108 | 00:50:58,555 | 00:51:00,432 | "...to possibly run Deutschland | "...to possibly run Deutschland |
1109 | 00:51:00,516 | 00:51:02,476 | for the foreseeable future. | for the foreseeable future. |
1110 | 00:51:03,560 | 00:51:04,853 | His name is um... | His name is um... |
1111 | 00:51:04,937 | 00:51:07,648 | Oh, dear. I left my glasses backstage. | Oh, dear. I left my glasses backstage. |
1112 | 00:51:07,731 | 00:51:09,775 | Is that Alan? Is it Alan? | Is that Alan? Is it Alan? |
1113 | 00:51:10,609 | 00:51:12,611 | Oh, Adolf. Adolf, okay. | Oh, Adolf. Adolf, okay. |
1114 | 00:51:12,695 | 00:51:14,154 | Oh, okay, okay. | Oh, okay, okay. |
1115 | 00:51:14,655 | 00:51:16,782 | Whoa. This guy's got a bee in his bonnet. | Whoa. This guy's got a bee in his bonnet. |
1116 | 00:51:16,865 | 00:51:20,619 | Okay, please welcome Adolf Hitler. You got three minutes, buddy." | Okay, please welcome Adolf Hitler. You got three minutes, buddy." |
1117 | 00:51:20,703 | 00:51:22,913 | "And I'm going to kill millions of people! | "And I'm going to kill millions of people! |
1118 | 00:51:22,997 | 00:51:26,125 | I know what they should look like-- the eyeballs a centimeter apart! | I know what they should look like-- the eyeballs a centimeter apart! |
1119 | 00:51:26,208 | 00:51:28,294 | I have the outfits for the rest of the people!" | I have the outfits for the rest of the people!" |
1120 | 00:51:29,211 | 00:51:31,171 | Dude, you can't come out of the gates... | Dude, you can't come out of the gates... |
1121 | 00:51:31,922 | 00:51:33,424 | talking to a crowd like that. | talking to a crowd like that. |
1122 | 00:51:33,507 | 00:51:36,719 | You're gonna freak 'em out. You can't go that hard in the beginning. | You're gonna freak 'em out. You can't go that hard in the beginning. |
1123 | 00:51:36,802 | 00:51:40,723 | You know? You can do that in the woods with a couple of drinking buddies. | You know? You can do that in the woods with a couple of drinking buddies. |
1124 | 00:51:41,890 | 00:51:45,602 | Freaking people out. "Hey, Matt, relax. There's girls here. Jesus Christ." | Freaking people out. "Hey, Matt, relax. There's girls here. Jesus Christ." |
1125 | 00:51:47,521 | 00:51:50,816 | "I think I've got a shot here. I'm trying to get laid. Can you just be a wingman? | "I think I've got a shot here. I'm trying to get laid. Can you just be a wingman? |
1126 | 00:51:50,899 | 00:51:52,901 | For once in your life, dude, can you just be a... | For once in your life, dude, can you just be a... |
1127 | 00:51:52,985 | 00:51:56,989 | Just bring the energy down. Nobody gives a fuck about your fucking theories, okay? | Just bring the energy down. Nobody gives a fuck about your fucking theories, okay? |
1128 | 00:51:57,489 | 00:51:59,742 | Just be a chill guy. You've got shit on your mouth. | Just be a chill guy. You've got shit on your mouth. |
1129 | 00:51:59,825 | 00:52:02,119 | Either grow a moustache or don't. You look ridiculous. | Either grow a moustache or don't. You look ridiculous. |
1130 | 00:52:02,202 | 00:52:03,579 | I'm sorry, ladies. | I'm sorry, ladies. |
1131 | 00:52:03,662 | 00:52:05,039 | He gets a little excited." | He gets a little excited." |
1132 | 00:52:07,583 | 00:52:08,792 | What I think he was doing, | What I think he was doing, |
1133 | 00:52:08,876 | 00:52:12,046 | I think he was just being a crowd-pleasing hack, if I had to guess. | I think he was just being a crowd-pleasing hack, if I had to guess. |
1134 | 00:52:12,629 | 00:52:14,673 | He was telling Germans what they wanted to hear. | He was telling Germans what they wanted to hear. |
1135 | 00:52:14,757 | 00:52:17,468 | "And we have the best cars, we have the best women. | "And we have the best cars, we have the best women. |
1136 | 00:52:17,551 | 00:52:19,345 | Oktoberfest is the shit!" | Oktoberfest is the shit!" |
1137 | 00:52:19,428 | 00:52:21,430 | He's just shooting free T-shirts up. | He's just shooting free T-shirts up. |
1138 | 00:52:23,932 | 00:52:25,517 | Fucking armbands. Right? | Fucking armbands. Right? |
1139 | 00:52:28,854 | 00:52:31,148 | I don't know. It's something that's always bothered me. | I don't know. It's something that's always bothered me. |
1140 | 00:52:31,940 | 00:52:33,233 | Not always, just recently. | Not always, just recently. |
1141 | 00:52:33,317 | 00:52:35,694 | If this guy kills six to fucking nine, everybody's... | If this guy kills six to fucking nine, everybody's... |
1142 | 00:52:35,778 | 00:52:38,364 | we definitely don't want another one of those. | we definitely don't want another one of those. |
1143 | 00:52:38,447 | 00:52:40,783 | Well, what about this guy? Twenty to fucking 25. | Well, what about this guy? Twenty to fucking 25. |
1144 | 00:52:41,450 | 00:52:42,451 | You know? | You know? |
1145 | 00:52:43,118 | 00:52:46,038 | What it is, there's probably a couple of egghead history majors going, | What it is, there's probably a couple of egghead history majors going, |
1146 | 00:52:46,121 | 00:52:48,707 | "Well, Bill, if we're gonna go around the world, you know, | "Well, Bill, if we're gonna go around the world, you know, |
1147 | 00:52:48,791 | 00:52:50,626 | what about that dude Mao from China? | what about that dude Mao from China? |
1148 | 00:52:51,293 | 00:52:54,671 | He allegedly killed 50-60 million people. | He allegedly killed 50-60 million people. |
1149 | 00:52:54,755 | 00:52:57,299 | What about that guy? How come you don't bring him up?" | What about that guy? How come you don't bring him up?" |
1150 | 00:52:57,383 | 00:52:59,426 | Simple. I don't count those kills. | Simple. I don't count those kills. |
1151 | 00:53:03,097 | 00:53:04,473 | I don't. I don't count 'em. | I don't. I don't count 'em. |
1152 | 00:53:06,100 | 00:53:08,936 | Dude, there's, like, a billion people in China. | Dude, there's, like, a billion people in China. |
1153 | 00:53:09,019 | 00:53:12,523 | You wipeout on a scooter, you're gonna kill 80 not even trying. | You wipeout on a scooter, you're gonna kill 80 not even trying. |
1154 | 00:53:13,565 | 00:53:15,067 | Fifty to 60 million, | Fifty to 60 million, |
1155 | 00:53:15,150 | 00:53:17,736 | that's like steroid-era stats. | that's like steroid-era stats. |
1156 | 00:53:17,820 | 00:53:19,905 | Like, get the fuck out of here. What are you on? | Like, get the fuck out of here. What are you on? |
1157 | 00:53:19,988 | 00:53:22,199 | Come on. Am I supposed to believe that number? | Come on. Am I supposed to believe that number? |
1158 | 00:53:22,699 | 00:53:25,202 | That's like when a second baseman had, like, 50 jacks. | That's like when a second baseman had, like, 50 jacks. |
1159 | 00:53:25,285 | 00:53:26,954 | Dude, you had 20 in high school. | Dude, you had 20 in high school. |
1160 | 00:53:27,037 | 00:53:29,915 | Get the fuck out of here, 50 homeruns! | Get the fuck out of here, 50 homeruns! |
1161 | 00:53:32,084 | 00:53:34,002 | I don't get it. I just don't get why... | I don't get it. I just don't get why... |
1162 | 00:53:37,172 | 00:53:39,591 | What I feel, whenever I do this bit, I always feel the crowd, | What I feel, whenever I do this bit, I always feel the crowd, |
1163 | 00:53:39,675 | 00:53:41,885 | you guys just don't like a sports analogy. | you guys just don't like a sports analogy. |
1164 | 00:53:42,428 | 00:53:43,762 | You know? | You know? |
1165 | 00:53:45,806 | 00:53:47,266 | Let's go music, all right? | Let's go music, all right? |
1166 | 00:53:47,349 | 00:53:49,017 | It's Nashville. | It's Nashville. |
1167 | 00:53:49,101 | 00:53:52,062 | We'll look at it in a musical way. All right? Okay. | We'll look at it in a musical way. All right? Okay. |
1168 | 00:53:52,563 | 00:53:53,981 | Hitler drops an album. | Hitler drops an album. |
1169 | 00:53:55,732 | 00:53:58,360 | He sells six to nine million copies. | He sells six to nine million copies. |
1170 | 00:53:58,444 | 00:54:02,030 | All right? He's got a couple of summertime jams, maybe a prom song. | All right? He's got a couple of summertime jams, maybe a prom song. |
1171 | 00:54:02,114 | 00:54:03,782 | He just catches a moment. | He just catches a moment. |
1172 | 00:54:03,866 | 00:54:06,118 | He has his own dance, like "Gangnam Style," | He has his own dance, like "Gangnam Style," |
1173 | 00:54:06,201 | 00:54:08,078 | except it's got a little more with the hands. | except it's got a little more with the hands. |
1174 | 00:54:08,162 | 00:54:09,788 | Right? | Right? |
1175 | 00:54:09,872 | 00:54:11,415 | It's more of an upper-body song. | It's more of an upper-body song. |
1176 | 00:54:13,000 | 00:54:14,543 | Then, later on that summer, | Then, later on that summer, |
1177 | 00:54:14,626 | 00:54:16,420 | Stalin drops his new shit. | Stalin drops his new shit. |
1178 | 00:54:16,503 | 00:54:19,465 | He sells 20-25 million copies. | He sells 20-25 million copies. |
1179 | 00:54:20,007 | 00:54:23,802 | Twenty to 25 million copies is Michael Jackson Thriller, okay? | Twenty to 25 million copies is Michael Jackson Thriller, okay? |
1180 | 00:54:23,886 | 00:54:26,763 | One of the greatest artists, one of the greatest albums of all time. | One of the greatest artists, one of the greatest albums of all time. |
1181 | 00:54:26,847 | 00:54:28,432 | Six to nine million in sales, | Six to nine million in sales, |
1182 | 00:54:28,515 | 00:54:31,643 | that's like Hootie & The Blowfish Cracked Rear View Mirror. | that's like Hootie & The Blowfish Cracked Rear View Mirror. |
1183 | 00:54:33,979 | 00:54:37,316 | Now, if you guys were at home in your apartment or your fucking barn, | Now, if you guys were at home in your apartment or your fucking barn, |
1184 | 00:54:37,399 | 00:54:38,901 | whatever it is you do down here... | whatever it is you do down here... |
1185 | 00:54:40,152 | 00:54:41,862 | ...sitting there with your lantern... | ...sitting there with your lantern... |
1186 | 00:54:44,156 | 00:54:45,657 | and you're sound asleep... | and you're sound asleep... |
1187 | 00:54:47,034 | 00:54:48,619 | next to your favorite bale of hay. | next to your favorite bale of hay. |
1188 | 00:54:48,702 | 00:54:50,037 | You're sound asleep... | You're sound asleep... |
1189 | 00:54:50,704 | 00:54:52,498 | and someone runs in at three in the morning. | and someone runs in at three in the morning. |
1190 | 00:54:52,581 | 00:54:56,084 | "Dude, run down to the bar! It's the next Michael Jackson, I swear to God!" | "Dude, run down to the bar! It's the next Michael Jackson, I swear to God!" |
1191 | 00:54:56,168 | 00:54:57,461 | You would consider it. | You would consider it. |
1192 | 00:54:58,253 | 00:55:00,339 | "Michael Jackson, I've got to fucking see that." | "Michael Jackson, I've got to fucking see that." |
1193 | 00:55:00,422 | 00:55:02,090 | But if somebody woke you up, like, | But if somebody woke you up, like, |
1194 | 00:55:02,174 | 00:55:05,177 | "Dude, you've got to see this guy! He's the next Hootie & The Blowfish!" | "Dude, you've got to see this guy! He's the next Hootie & The Blowfish!" |
1195 | 00:55:05,260 | 00:55:06,220 | Right? | Right? |
1196 | 00:55:06,303 | 00:55:09,890 | You'd smash him over the head with your fucking lantern, or whatever you've got. | You'd smash him over the head with your fucking lantern, or whatever you've got. |
1197 | 00:55:13,352 | 00:55:15,395 | Why don't his fucking kills count? | Why don't his fucking kills count? |
1198 | 00:55:15,479 | 00:55:18,106 | Dude, Stalin, he even killed his own friends. | Dude, Stalin, he even killed his own friends. |
1199 | 00:55:19,024 | 00:55:20,567 | Hitler didn't even do that. | Hitler didn't even do that. |
1200 | 00:55:20,651 | 00:55:23,278 | You go duck hunting with Stalin. You thought you were in with him. | You go duck hunting with Stalin. You thought you were in with him. |
1201 | 00:55:23,362 | 00:55:25,280 | He's taking pictures with you and shit. | He's taking pictures with you and shit. |
1202 | 00:55:25,364 | 00:55:27,866 | It's all fucking good, right? | It's all fucking good, right? |
1203 | 00:55:27,950 | 00:55:31,453 | Then, a week later, you parted your hair a little bit different, he got paranoid, | Then, a week later, you parted your hair a little bit different, he got paranoid, |
1204 | 00:55:31,537 | 00:55:33,247 | and that was it, he whacked you. | and that was it, he whacked you. |
1205 | 00:55:33,330 | 00:55:34,331 | That's it. | That's it. |
1206 | 00:55:34,831 | 00:55:37,709 | Not only that, he then had you erased out of the photo. | Not only that, he then had you erased out of the photo. |
1207 | 00:55:37,793 | 00:55:41,296 | You know? Next thing you know, Stalin's hugging a tree or some shit like that. | You know? Next thing you know, Stalin's hugging a tree or some shit like that. |
1208 | 00:55:41,380 | 00:55:44,091 | This guy was photoshopping people out of photos... | This guy was photoshopping people out of photos... |
1209 | 00:55:45,175 | 00:55:47,594 | like, 60 years before the technology existed. | like, 60 years before the technology existed. |
1210 | 00:55:47,678 | 00:55:49,763 | He changed the fucking game! | He changed the fucking game! |
1211 | 00:55:54,518 | 00:55:57,646 | Yeah. So, I watch a lot of the YouTube videos, right? | Yeah. So, I watch a lot of the YouTube videos, right? |
1212 | 00:55:57,729 | 00:56:00,607 | So, the other night, my wife, lovely wife, she's falling asleep. | So, the other night, my wife, lovely wife, she's falling asleep. |
1213 | 00:56:00,691 | 00:56:04,278 | I can't because I'm all scatterbrained, so I just start watching YouTube clips. | I can't because I'm all scatterbrained, so I just start watching YouTube clips. |
1214 | 00:56:04,361 | 00:56:08,782 | Okay? And I ended up seeing this clip of this lady down at the zoo. All right? | Okay? And I ended up seeing this clip of this lady down at the zoo. All right? |
1215 | 00:56:08,865 | 00:56:10,158 | This lady down at the zoo, | This lady down at the zoo, |
1216 | 00:56:10,242 | 00:56:13,120 | who I'm sure wasn't making as much money | who I'm sure wasn't making as much money |
1217 | 00:56:13,203 | 00:56:15,622 | as the guy who worked at the zoo, | as the guy who worked at the zoo, |
1218 | 00:56:15,706 | 00:56:18,000 | and that's what needs to stop. | and that's what needs to stop. |
1219 | 00:56:21,503 | 00:56:24,131 | Ladies, did you ever think of opening your own zoo? You know? | Ladies, did you ever think of opening your own zoo? You know? |
1220 | 00:56:25,424 | 00:56:28,218 | Is there a reason you wait until we build the whole fucking thing, | Is there a reason you wait until we build the whole fucking thing, |
1221 | 00:56:28,302 | 00:56:30,804 | and then you show up when all the hard work is done? | and then you show up when all the hard work is done? |
1222 | 00:56:30,887 | 00:56:32,389 | All the animals are captured. | All the animals are captured. |
1223 | 00:56:32,472 | 00:56:35,142 | "Hey, where's my fucking corner office?!" | "Hey, where's my fucking corner office?!" |
1224 | 00:56:35,225 | 00:56:36,226 | Yeah. | Yeah. |
1225 | 00:56:37,311 | 00:56:38,812 | Start your own fucking zoo! | Start your own fucking zoo! |
1226 | 00:56:39,438 | 00:56:41,607 | Go out and catch a cobra, see how that is. | Go out and catch a cobra, see how that is. |
1227 | 00:56:44,901 | 00:56:47,321 | That's not the point of this story. I just like... | That's not the point of this story. I just like... |
1228 | 00:56:47,404 | 00:56:50,449 | I just like being a dick sometimes. So, this lady down at the zoo. | I just like being a dick sometimes. So, this lady down at the zoo. |
1229 | 00:56:52,200 | 00:56:55,454 | This lady down at the zoo, she taught this gorilla how to do sign language. | This lady down at the zoo, she taught this gorilla how to do sign language. |
1230 | 00:56:55,537 | 00:56:57,998 | Okay? And I don't just mean like "hello" and "goodbye." | Okay? And I don't just mean like "hello" and "goodbye." |
1231 | 00:56:58,081 | 00:56:59,333 | Like, literally phrases. | Like, literally phrases. |
1232 | 00:56:59,416 | 00:57:01,460 | This thing could, like, talk about its emotions. | This thing could, like, talk about its emotions. |
1233 | 00:57:01,543 | 00:57:03,337 | They were actually conversing. | They were actually conversing. |
1234 | 00:57:03,420 | 00:57:05,839 | The gorilla is talking to her. "Oh, my God. You look upset." | The gorilla is talking to her. "Oh, my God. You look upset." |
1235 | 00:57:05,922 | 00:57:08,258 | "Oh, I'm kind of sad." And they're just talking. | "Oh, I'm kind of sad." And they're just talking. |
1236 | 00:57:08,342 | 00:57:10,844 | So immediately, like, my brain just went fucking crazy. | So immediately, like, my brain just went fucking crazy. |
1237 | 00:57:10,927 | 00:57:13,388 | I was like, "Oh, my God. She's talking to a gorilla. | I was like, "Oh, my God. She's talking to a gorilla. |
1238 | 00:57:13,930 | 00:57:16,099 | I love gorillas. Who wouldn't talk to a gorilla?" | I love gorillas. Who wouldn't talk to a gorilla?" |
1239 | 00:57:16,183 | 00:57:18,727 | Without thinking that my wife is sleeping, I just blurted out, | Without thinking that my wife is sleeping, I just blurted out, |
1240 | 00:57:18,810 | 00:57:20,604 | "Ask it how much it can bench! | "Ask it how much it can bench! |
1241 | 00:57:21,104 | 00:57:23,106 | Ask it how much it can bench!" | Ask it how much it can bench!" |
1242 | 00:57:24,524 | 00:57:26,151 | My wife pops up. "What are you doing?" | My wife pops up. "What are you doing?" |
1243 | 00:57:26,234 | 00:57:28,904 | I'm like, "Look at this! Look! She's talking to a gorilla!" | I'm like, "Look at this! Look! She's talking to a gorilla!" |
1244 | 00:57:28,987 | 00:57:31,615 | And we both just got sucked into this thing. Right? | And we both just got sucked into this thing. Right? |
1245 | 00:57:32,741 | 00:57:35,369 | So, long story short, she's talking to this gorilla, | So, long story short, she's talking to this gorilla, |
1246 | 00:57:35,452 | 00:57:37,788 | and one day she decides to get it a little kitten. | and one day she decides to get it a little kitten. |
1247 | 00:57:37,871 | 00:57:39,206 | A little kitty cat, right? | A little kitty cat, right? |
1248 | 00:57:39,289 | 00:57:42,876 | Immediately I'm thinking, like, "Don't get it a cat! It's a gorilla." | Immediately I'm thinking, like, "Don't get it a cat! It's a gorilla." |
1249 | 00:57:42,960 | 00:57:45,087 | It's gonna twist the thing's head off, | It's gonna twist the thing's head off, |
1250 | 00:57:45,170 | 00:57:47,714 | throw the body over there, play with the head for a while. | throw the body over there, play with the head for a while. |
1251 | 00:57:47,798 | 00:57:49,800 | Sniffing it and stuff. | Sniffing it and stuff. |
1252 | 00:57:49,883 | 00:57:53,345 | And then, later, it's gonna walk over and set the head down next to the body | And then, later, it's gonna walk over and set the head down next to the body |
1253 | 00:57:53,428 | 00:57:55,555 | and wonder why the whole thing's not getting up again. | and wonder why the whole thing's not getting up again. |
1254 | 00:57:56,264 | 00:57:58,684 | Because it's a fucking gorilla. | Because it's a fucking gorilla. |
1255 | 00:57:59,559 | 00:58:00,894 | It's a wild animal. | It's a wild animal. |
1256 | 00:58:00,978 | 00:58:03,397 | Wild animals don't have pets, right? | Wild animals don't have pets, right? |
1257 | 00:58:03,480 | 00:58:05,899 | It's kill or be killed out there. That's it. | It's kill or be killed out there. That's it. |
1258 | 00:58:05,983 | 00:58:08,944 | They don't have little parakeets on their shoulders and shit. | They don't have little parakeets on their shoulders and shit. |
1259 | 00:58:09,945 | 00:58:11,154 | But it was the exact opposite. | But it was the exact opposite. |
1260 | 00:58:11,238 | 00:58:12,531 | She gives it this little kitten, | She gives it this little kitten, |
1261 | 00:58:12,614 | 00:58:14,491 | and it immediately understood it was a baby, | and it immediately understood it was a baby, |
1262 | 00:58:14,574 | 00:58:16,410 | and this, like, parental thing came over. | and this, like, parental thing came over. |
1263 | 00:58:16,493 | 00:58:19,287 | It was so, like, gentle and filled with joy. | It was so, like, gentle and filled with joy. |
1264 | 00:58:19,371 | 00:58:20,831 | It was, like, beautiful, right? | It was, like, beautiful, right? |
1265 | 00:58:20,914 | 00:58:23,041 | And then they understood that it loved this kitten, | And then they understood that it loved this kitten, |
1266 | 00:58:23,125 | 00:58:25,627 | and they started using it as, like, a teaching tool, right? | and they started using it as, like, a teaching tool, right? |
1267 | 00:58:25,711 | 00:58:29,047 | So every night they take the cat back, all right, and the next day they come in. | So every night they take the cat back, all right, and the next day they come in. |
1268 | 00:58:29,131 | 00:58:31,883 | If the gorilla learned its phrases, it got to play with the kitten. | If the gorilla learned its phrases, it got to play with the kitten. |
1269 | 00:58:31,967 | 00:58:33,385 | They use it as a motivational tool. | They use it as a motivational tool. |
1270 | 00:58:33,468 | 00:58:35,971 | So the gorilla's vocabulary started going through the roof. | So the gorilla's vocabulary started going through the roof. |
1271 | 00:58:36,054 | 00:58:39,224 | All right? So, to cut to the chase, one night they take the cat home. | All right? So, to cut to the chase, one night they take the cat home. |
1272 | 00:58:39,307 | 00:58:41,059 | Somehow, the little kitten gets out. | Somehow, the little kitten gets out. |
1273 | 00:58:41,143 | 00:58:42,978 | It got hit by car and it died. | It got hit by car and it died. |
1274 | 00:58:44,396 | 00:58:46,231 | Yeah, that cat you never met died. | Yeah, that cat you never met died. |
1275 | 00:58:49,818 | 00:58:51,486 | I'm sorry for your loss. | I'm sorry for your loss. |
1276 | 00:58:52,738 | 00:58:56,158 | I know you knew it, all of it, for fucking 20 seconds. | I know you knew it, all of it, for fucking 20 seconds. |
1277 | 00:58:56,241 | 00:58:57,367 | You know? | You know? |
1278 | 00:58:57,451 | 00:58:59,202 | I don't know if it was dead instantly, | I don't know if it was dead instantly, |
1279 | 00:58:59,286 | 00:59:01,788 | like if it drove right over its head and that was it. | like if it drove right over its head and that was it. |
1280 | 00:59:02,289 | 00:59:05,500 | Or maybe it just hit the back legs and it tried to crawl away, | Or maybe it just hit the back legs and it tried to crawl away, |
1281 | 00:59:05,584 | 00:59:07,836 | but it was... it was, like, stuck to the road, | but it was... it was, like, stuck to the road, |
1282 | 00:59:07,919 | 00:59:09,963 | and it was... it was meowing out | and it was... it was meowing out |
1283 | 00:59:10,047 | 00:59:11,548 | and it could see its breath. | and it could see its breath. |
1284 | 00:59:12,257 | 00:59:15,093 | And right before it lost consciousness, the rats came in, | And right before it lost consciousness, the rats came in, |
1285 | 00:59:15,177 | 00:59:17,554 | and it was... it was just screaming, and in such... | and it was... it was just screaming, and in such... |
1286 | 00:59:18,722 | 00:59:21,391 | Cute little paws, it was like little socks, trying to get up. | Cute little paws, it was like little socks, trying to get up. |
1287 | 00:59:21,475 | 00:59:22,768 | I don't know what happened. | I don't know what happened. |
1288 | 00:59:22,851 | 00:59:25,020 | But you seemed so fucking concerned | But you seemed so fucking concerned |
1289 | 00:59:25,103 | 00:59:28,648 | about this kitten... I figured I'd throw out a couple of theories. | about this kitten... I figured I'd throw out a couple of theories. |
1290 | 00:59:28,732 | 00:59:31,359 | More concerned about the kitten than the Hitler shit, by the way. | More concerned about the kitten than the Hitler shit, by the way. |
1291 | 00:59:31,443 | 00:59:32,569 | More of a reaction. | More of a reaction. |
1292 | 00:59:34,654 | 00:59:36,239 | More of a reaction. That's fine. | More of a reaction. That's fine. |
1293 | 00:59:36,865 | 00:59:38,658 | Every crowd's a little bit different. | Every crowd's a little bit different. |
1294 | 00:59:39,659 | 00:59:41,578 | That's not the point of the story. | That's not the point of the story. |
1295 | 00:59:41,661 | 00:59:43,455 | Okay? The point of the story... | Okay? The point of the story... |
1296 | 00:59:44,915 | 00:59:46,666 | was now this lady had to go down to the zoo, | was now this lady had to go down to the zoo, |
1297 | 00:59:46,750 | 00:59:49,795 | she had to tell the gorilla that the kitten was dead, right? | she had to tell the gorilla that the kitten was dead, right? |
1298 | 00:59:49,878 | 00:59:52,464 | So she comes back down to the zoo, and the gorilla's all amped up. | So she comes back down to the zoo, and the gorilla's all amped up. |
1299 | 00:59:52,547 | 00:59:54,299 | This is its favorite part of the day. | This is its favorite part of the day. |
1300 | 00:59:54,382 | 00:59:56,551 | Its mind is engaged and it sees its little friend. | Its mind is engaged and it sees its little friend. |
1301 | 00:59:56,635 | 00:59:59,179 | And at this point, its vocabulary is, like, crazy now. | And at this point, its vocabulary is, like, crazy now. |
1302 | 00:59:59,262 | 01:00:01,306 | The lady shows up. The gorilla's all amped up. | The lady shows up. The gorilla's all amped up. |
1303 | 01:00:01,389 | 01:00:03,683 | It looks at her like, "Oh, shit! | It looks at her like, "Oh, shit! |
1304 | 01:00:03,767 | 01:00:06,436 | What's up? Yeah!" | What's up? Yeah!" |
1305 | 01:00:06,520 | 01:00:07,521 | Right? | Right? |
1306 | 01:00:09,272 | 01:00:11,650 | Now, I can't do sign language, | Now, I can't do sign language, |
1307 | 01:00:11,733 | 01:00:14,027 | so you have to bear with me through the rest of this bit. | so you have to bear with me through the rest of this bit. |
1308 | 01:00:14,111 | 01:00:16,113 | I'm gonna do the best I can, all right? | I'm gonna do the best I can, all right? |
1309 | 01:00:17,114 | 01:00:19,574 | So the thing's like, "What's up? Yeah!" | So the thing's like, "What's up? Yeah!" |
1310 | 01:00:20,283 | 01:00:21,368 | All right? | All right? |
1311 | 01:00:21,451 | 01:00:22,702 | But the zookeeper lady, | But the zookeeper lady, |
1312 | 01:00:22,786 | 01:00:25,747 | she has, like, you know, just sitting there all sad, | she has, like, you know, just sitting there all sad, |
1313 | 01:00:25,831 | 01:00:27,958 | you know, trying to think how she's gonna tell it, | you know, trying to think how she's gonna tell it, |
1314 | 01:00:28,041 | 01:00:29,876 | and the gorilla picked up on the vibe. | and the gorilla picked up on the vibe. |
1315 | 01:00:29,960 | 01:00:31,086 | She's kind of like... | She's kind of like... |
1316 | 01:00:31,920 | 01:00:32,921 | "Hello." | "Hello." |
1317 | 01:00:33,713 | 01:00:35,757 | All of a sudden, the gorilla's energy comes down. | All of a sudden, the gorilla's energy comes down. |
1318 | 01:00:35,841 | 01:00:37,217 | She starts looking at the lady, like... | She starts looking at the lady, like... |
1319 | 01:00:38,510 | 01:00:39,511 | "What's uh... | "What's uh... |
1320 | 01:00:40,804 | 01:00:42,556 | What's wrong with you?" | What's wrong with you?" |
1321 | 01:00:45,725 | 01:00:48,520 | "Is there something that I need to know? | "Is there something that I need to know? |
1322 | 01:00:50,230 | 01:00:51,231 | Huh?" | Huh?" |
1323 | 01:00:55,527 | 01:00:57,279 | So the lady's sitting there, she's like, | So the lady's sitting there, she's like, |
1324 | 01:00:57,362 | 01:00:58,405 | "Uh... | "Uh... |
1325 | 01:00:58,488 | 01:01:00,740 | Oh, Jesus. Uh..." | Oh, Jesus. Uh..." |
1326 | 01:01:02,576 | 01:01:03,577 | "Well... | "Well... |
1327 | 01:01:06,663 | 01:01:08,039 | Well, the... | Well, the... |
1328 | 01:01:08,123 | 01:01:09,666 | the kitty cat... | the kitty cat... |
1329 | 01:01:11,126 | 01:01:12,502 | it got hit by a car... | it got hit by a car... |
1330 | 01:01:13,503 | 01:01:14,796 | and it's fucking dead." | and it's fucking dead." |
1331 | 01:01:21,344 | 01:01:23,346 | And the gorilla immediately took it in. | And the gorilla immediately took it in. |
1332 | 01:01:23,430 | 01:01:25,432 | It immediately took it in. It understood. | It immediately took it in. It understood. |
1333 | 01:01:25,515 | 01:01:27,309 | Like, its bottom lip started quivering, | Like, its bottom lip started quivering, |
1334 | 01:01:27,392 | 01:01:30,103 | its eyes started watering up, it was signing "crying." | its eyes started watering up, it was signing "crying." |
1335 | 01:01:30,187 | 01:01:31,855 | And later on that night, | And later on that night, |
1336 | 01:01:31,938 | 01:01:34,399 | you could hear it crying inside of its house. | you could hear it crying inside of its house. |
1337 | 01:01:34,482 | 01:01:36,276 | They built it a house. I don't know why. | They built it a house. I don't know why. |
1338 | 01:01:36,359 | 01:01:37,527 | They live in trees. | They live in trees. |
1339 | 01:01:37,611 | 01:01:40,572 | It was probably the guilt of putting the thing in fucking jail, right? | It was probably the guilt of putting the thing in fucking jail, right? |
1340 | 01:01:41,323 | 01:01:44,367 | Whatever. It was a two-bedroom. It sounded like it was in the kitchen. | Whatever. It was a two-bedroom. It sounded like it was in the kitchen. |
1341 | 01:01:44,451 | 01:01:45,994 | And you just hear this thing... | And you just hear this thing... |
1342 | 01:01:46,786 | 01:01:48,622 | in this house at night, just going... | in this house at night, just going... |
1343 | 01:01:58,924 | 01:02:00,467 | And that was the end of the video. | And that was the end of the video. |
1344 | 01:02:08,183 | 01:02:09,559 | That was the end of the video. | That was the end of the video. |
1345 | 01:02:10,143 | 01:02:12,020 | And, like you, I was sitting there, like, | And, like you, I was sitting there, like, |
1346 | 01:02:12,103 | 01:02:13,313 | "What the fuck?" | "What the fuck?" |
1347 | 01:02:14,731 | 01:02:16,191 | "You're gonna end on that?" | "You're gonna end on that?" |
1348 | 01:02:16,816 | 01:02:19,486 | And then, literally, right in that moment, I felt my wife's head | And then, literally, right in that moment, I felt my wife's head |
1349 | 01:02:19,569 | 01:02:21,821 | just rest on my shoulder, and she was like, | just rest on my shoulder, and she was like, |
1350 | 01:02:21,905 | 01:02:23,823 | "That was so sad. | "That was so sad. |
1351 | 01:02:25,533 | 01:02:28,203 | I mean, it was beautiful, but it was sad." | I mean, it was beautiful, but it was sad." |
1352 | 01:02:28,286 | 01:02:29,913 | And I was just like, "Get off me." | And I was just like, "Get off me." |
1353 | 01:02:32,165 | 01:02:34,000 | "Just... Just get off me." | "Just... Just get off me." |
1354 | 01:02:34,084 | 01:02:35,627 | And I closed the laptop, | And I closed the laptop, |
1355 | 01:02:35,710 | 01:02:37,128 | set it down on the nightstand, | set it down on the nightstand, |
1356 | 01:02:37,212 | 01:02:39,339 | and I just got up, and I started pacing. | and I just got up, and I started pacing. |
1357 | 01:02:40,215 | 01:02:43,343 | As this fucking rage was coming up in me, | As this fucking rage was coming up in me, |
1358 | 01:02:43,426 | 01:02:44,678 | my wife's, like, freaking out. | my wife's, like, freaking out. |
1359 | 01:02:44,761 | 01:02:47,138 | She's like, "What's wrong? What is wrong with you?" | She's like, "What's wrong? What is wrong with you?" |
1360 | 01:02:47,222 | 01:02:50,100 | I'm like, "What do you mean, 'What's wrong?' That video is fucked up!" | I'm like, "What do you mean, 'What's wrong?' That video is fucked up!" |
1361 | 01:02:52,936 | 01:02:54,062 | What is the purpose of that? | What is the purpose of that? |
1362 | 01:02:54,145 | 01:02:56,606 | You teach a gorilla how to talk, you're shootin' the shit, | You teach a gorilla how to talk, you're shootin' the shit, |
1363 | 01:02:56,690 | 01:02:59,234 | you get it a pet kitten and then it dies. | you get it a pet kitten and then it dies. |
1364 | 01:02:59,901 | 01:03:02,904 | And then the gorilla cries, and it's fucking sad, and then that's it? | And then the gorilla cries, and it's fucking sad, and then that's it? |
1365 | 01:03:03,530 | 01:03:06,741 | That's what you're leaving me with? I've got to have that in my fucking head? | That's what you're leaving me with? I've got to have that in my fucking head? |
1366 | 01:03:08,576 | 01:03:10,453 | How is that the end of the video? | How is that the end of the video? |
1367 | 01:03:10,537 | 01:03:12,414 | Somebody, for fuck's sake, tell me. | Somebody, for fuck's sake, tell me. |
1368 | 01:03:12,497 | 01:03:15,000 | Dude, that gorilla understood the concept of death. | Dude, that gorilla understood the concept of death. |
1369 | 01:03:15,083 | 01:03:19,337 | If it understands the concept of death, it understands its own captivity. Okay? | If it understands the concept of death, it understands its own captivity. Okay? |
1370 | 01:03:19,421 | 01:03:20,964 | So it never dawned on that lady, | So it never dawned on that lady, |
1371 | 01:03:21,047 | 01:03:23,174 | that whole time she's shootin' the shit with him, | that whole time she's shootin' the shit with him, |
1372 | 01:03:23,258 | 01:03:26,094 | it never dawned on her to sign to the thing, like, "Hey." | it never dawned on her to sign to the thing, like, "Hey." |
1373 | 01:03:26,845 | 01:03:29,889 | Like, "Do you want to get the fuck out of here?" | Like, "Do you want to get the fuck out of here?" |
1374 | 01:03:31,474 | 01:03:33,685 | "Do you hate it in here? | "Do you hate it in here? |
1375 | 01:03:33,768 | 01:03:35,478 | Do you want to fucking kill us... | Do you want to fucking kill us... |
1376 | 01:03:36,438 | 01:03:38,106 | for sticking you in here, | for sticking you in here, |
1377 | 01:03:38,189 | 01:03:40,859 | away from your friends in the jungle?" | away from your friends in the jungle?" |
1378 | 01:03:40,942 | 01:03:42,652 | And the thing would be like, "Yeah!" | And the thing would be like, "Yeah!" |
1379 | 01:03:43,320 | 01:03:47,365 | "Yeah, please get me out. I beg of you! | "Yeah, please get me out. I beg of you! |
1380 | 01:03:47,449 | 01:03:49,784 | It fucking sucks in here!" | It fucking sucks in here!" |
1381 | 01:03:52,454 | 01:03:54,956 | Right? And then you could have brainstormed, right? | Right? And then you could have brainstormed, right? |
1382 | 01:03:55,040 | 01:03:57,709 | Like, "Okay, I'm gonna get you out of here." | Like, "Okay, I'm gonna get you out of here." |
1383 | 01:03:57,792 | 01:04:00,253 | The only bad part would be you'd have to deal with the gorilla | The only bad part would be you'd have to deal with the gorilla |
1384 | 01:04:00,337 | 01:04:02,422 | and its crazy fucking gorilla idea. | and its crazy fucking gorilla idea. |
1385 | 01:04:02,505 | 01:04:04,883 | You know, like brainstorming its escape plan. | You know, like brainstorming its escape plan. |
1386 | 01:04:04,966 | 01:04:07,510 | The gorilla would be like, "Okay, we'll get a bunch of bananas. | The gorilla would be like, "Okay, we'll get a bunch of bananas. |
1387 | 01:04:07,594 | 01:04:09,304 | We'll throw 'em and distract 'em, | We'll throw 'em and distract 'em, |
1388 | 01:04:09,387 | 01:04:11,556 | and then we'll climb out just using our arms." | and then we'll climb out just using our arms." |
1389 | 01:04:11,639 | 01:04:14,851 | You literally just have to sit there, going, like, "Okay. Okay. | You literally just have to sit there, going, like, "Okay. Okay. |
1390 | 01:04:14,934 | 01:04:16,144 | Uh... | Uh... |
1391 | 01:04:16,227 | 01:04:20,398 | Not... Not trying to be a dick, but... | Not... Not trying to be a dick, but... |
1392 | 01:04:22,025 | 01:04:24,694 | I have a better idea. | I have a better idea. |
1393 | 01:04:25,320 | 01:04:28,615 | No, no, no. No disrespect to you. Okay?" | No, no, no. No disrespect to you. Okay?" |
1394 | 01:04:31,034 | 01:04:34,329 | "But I'm gonna go to Big & Tall. | "But I'm gonna go to Big & Tall. |
1395 | 01:04:35,163 | 01:04:36,873 | I'm gonna get a jacket, a hat, | I'm gonna get a jacket, a hat, |
1396 | 01:04:36,956 | 01:04:38,750 | and some fucked-up-looking shoes. | and some fucked-up-looking shoes. |
1397 | 01:04:39,417 | 01:04:41,419 | Okay? And what I need from you... | Okay? And what I need from you... |
1398 | 01:04:42,504 | 01:04:43,838 | What I need from you, okay... | What I need from you, okay... |
1399 | 01:04:43,922 | 01:04:46,174 | What I need from you is you've got to lay off this shit. | What I need from you is you've got to lay off this shit. |
1400 | 01:04:46,257 | 01:04:48,510 | All right? No more of this. | All right? No more of this. |
1401 | 01:04:49,219 | 01:04:51,679 | Okay? No, no disrespect. Okay? | Okay? No, no disrespect. Okay? |
1402 | 01:04:52,514 | 01:04:55,934 | I need you... I need you to man up, all right? | I need you... I need you to man up, all right? |
1403 | 01:04:56,017 | 01:04:57,185 | Stand up straight. | Stand up straight. |
1404 | 01:04:57,894 | 01:04:59,479 | Arm down. Stand up straight. | Arm down. Stand up straight. |
1405 | 01:04:59,562 | 01:05:01,648 | Here's the difficult part, right here, okay? | Here's the difficult part, right here, okay? |
1406 | 01:05:01,731 | 01:05:03,983 | Left hand, right foot; | Left hand, right foot; |
1407 | 01:05:04,067 | 01:05:05,944 | right hand, left foot. | right hand, left foot. |
1408 | 01:05:06,027 | 01:05:07,028 | You got it? | You got it? |
1409 | 01:05:07,112 | 01:05:08,822 | Bam. Bam. | Bam. Bam. |
1410 | 01:05:09,864 | 01:05:11,032 | All right? | All right? |
1411 | 01:05:11,116 | 01:05:12,867 | You get that shit down, | You get that shit down, |
1412 | 01:05:12,951 | 01:05:15,286 | I'll get you out of here in ten days. | I'll get you out of here in ten days. |
1413 | 01:05:16,162 | 01:05:17,163 | Cool? | Cool? |
1414 | 01:05:17,956 | 01:05:19,582 | It's gonna be okay. Deal. | It's gonna be okay. Deal. |
1415 | 01:05:19,666 | 01:05:20,875 | Fuck! All right." | Fuck! All right." |
1416 | 01:05:22,544 | 01:05:23,795 | "See you in ten days, right?" | "See you in ten days, right?" |
1417 | 01:05:25,255 | 01:05:28,049 | So, like, the first day, the gorilla's sitting there, going, "Okay. | So, like, the first day, the gorilla's sitting there, going, "Okay. |
1418 | 01:05:28,716 | 01:05:29,717 | Okay." | Okay." |
1419 | 01:05:49,446 | 01:05:51,489 | "No. No, no, no. No. No." | "No. No, no, no. No. No." |
1420 | 01:06:07,714 | 01:06:08,715 | "Okay. Okay." | "Okay. Okay." |
1421 | 01:06:15,638 | 01:06:17,056 | "Yes!" | "Yes!" |
1422 | 01:06:25,732 | 01:06:26,733 | "Fuck!" | "Fuck!" |
1423 | 01:06:31,404 | 01:06:32,822 | So that's the first day. | So that's the first day. |
1424 | 01:06:33,656 | 01:06:36,117 | That's day one, but the gorilla keeps working at it, right? | That's day one, but the gorilla keeps working at it, right? |
1425 | 01:06:36,201 | 01:06:38,161 | Like, day two - day two it's kind of getting... | Like, day two - day two it's kind of getting... |
1426 | 01:06:38,244 | 01:06:39,704 | Day three, day five, | Day three, day five, |
1427 | 01:06:39,787 | 01:06:41,206 | day seven, day nine, day ten. | day seven, day nine, day ten. |
1428 | 01:06:41,289 | 01:06:43,833 | "I'm doing it! I'm fucking doing it!" | "I'm doing it! I'm fucking doing it!" |
1429 | 01:06:44,667 | 01:06:47,795 | Then she could have came back and broke that gorilla out of jail, right? | Then she could have came back and broke that gorilla out of jail, right? |
1430 | 01:06:47,879 | 01:06:51,341 | Show up at night. "You're doing it!" Put on the jacket, hat. "Come on!" | Show up at night. "You're doing it!" Put on the jacket, hat. "Come on!" |
1431 | 01:06:51,424 | 01:06:53,843 | You take him down to the car, the only way to get him back. | You take him down to the car, the only way to get him back. |
1432 | 01:06:53,927 | 01:06:56,221 | You've got to take it by car down to the harbor. | You've got to take it by car down to the harbor. |
1433 | 01:06:56,304 | 01:06:59,891 | That's the only way to get it back to the jungle. You can't go to the airport. | That's the only way to get it back to the jungle. You can't go to the airport. |
1434 | 01:07:00,767 | 01:07:04,020 | You can't go to the airport, going through that fucking security. | You can't go to the airport, going through that fucking security. |
1435 | 01:07:04,103 | 01:07:05,522 | Right? | Right? |
1436 | 01:07:07,106 | 01:07:10,026 | Once he takes his shoes off and that thumb comes sticking out, | Once he takes his shoes off and that thumb comes sticking out, |
1437 | 01:07:10,109 | 01:07:11,611 | it's fucking over! | it's fucking over! |
1438 | 01:07:11,694 | 01:07:12,862 | It's over. | It's over. |
1439 | 01:07:12,946 | 01:07:14,906 | You keep it below deck. | You keep it below deck. |
1440 | 01:07:14,989 | 01:07:17,492 | You keep the fucking thing below deck | You keep the fucking thing below deck |
1441 | 01:07:17,575 | 01:07:19,536 | until you get out to international waters. | until you get out to international waters. |
1442 | 01:07:19,619 | 01:07:20,745 | Then you're fine. | Then you're fine. |
1443 | 01:07:20,828 | 01:07:22,080 | It's captain's law. | It's captain's law. |
1444 | 01:07:22,163 | 01:07:24,832 | "Come aboard," right? And have the thing sit down. | "Come aboard," right? And have the thing sit down. |
1445 | 01:07:24,916 | 01:07:27,919 | Other boats going by are looking at you, like, "Is that a gorilla?" | Other boats going by are looking at you, like, "Is that a gorilla?" |
1446 | 01:07:28,002 | 01:07:31,047 | "Yeah. What have you got, blood diamonds? Go fuck yourself!" | "Yeah. What have you got, blood diamonds? Go fuck yourself!" |
1447 | 01:07:32,590 | 01:07:34,592 | "Fucking sex slaves? Get out of here! | "Fucking sex slaves? Get out of here! |
1448 | 01:07:35,593 | 01:07:38,429 | I'll have him come aboard and rip that mask right off!" | I'll have him come aboard and rip that mask right off!" |
1449 | 01:07:39,472 | 01:07:41,182 | And you're just hanging with the gorilla. | And you're just hanging with the gorilla. |
1450 | 01:07:41,266 | 01:07:44,352 | You get to have that experience of seeing the thing free for the first time. | You get to have that experience of seeing the thing free for the first time. |
1451 | 01:07:44,435 | 01:07:46,854 | As it comes over the horizon, it finally sees the jungle. | As it comes over the horizon, it finally sees the jungle. |
1452 | 01:07:46,938 | 01:07:50,149 | It's getting all excited. It jumps off the boat, it's rolling in the sand. | It's getting all excited. It jumps off the boat, it's rolling in the sand. |
1453 | 01:07:50,233 | 01:07:53,903 | "Buddy, we did it! Don't fuck up the coat, I've got to bring it back. We did it! | "Buddy, we did it! Don't fuck up the coat, I've got to bring it back. We did it! |
1454 | 01:07:53,987 | 01:07:57,156 | All right, I love you. I'll miss you. Get out of here before they see you." | All right, I love you. I'll miss you. Get out of here before they see you." |
1455 | 01:07:57,240 | 01:07:59,492 | The thing runs right to the edge of the jungle | The thing runs right to the edge of the jungle |
1456 | 01:07:59,576 | 01:08:01,494 | and it just... disappears. | and it just... disappears. |
1457 | 01:08:02,495 | 01:08:03,496 | "It did it. | "It did it. |
1458 | 01:08:04,247 | 01:08:06,374 | I knew it. He wanted to go see his friends, man. | I knew it. He wanted to go see his friends, man. |
1459 | 01:08:06,457 | 01:08:08,751 | He wanted to be free. It's gonna be fucking great. | He wanted to be free. It's gonna be fucking great. |
1460 | 01:08:08,835 | 01:08:11,588 | He's gonna go meet his buddies, he's gonna talk to his friends now, | He's gonna go meet his buddies, he's gonna talk to his friends now, |
1461 | 01:08:11,671 | 01:08:13,047 | like he should be, right? | like he should be, right? |
1462 | 01:08:14,966 | 01:08:15,967 | He's, uh... | He's, uh... |
1463 | 01:08:17,010 | 01:08:18,720 | He's gonna go talk to his friends." | He's gonna go talk to his friends." |
1464 | 01:08:23,224 | 01:08:25,768 | "He'll... probably teach them how to talk." | "He'll... probably teach them how to talk." |
1465 | 01:08:30,106 | 01:08:31,274 | "Then, of course... | "Then, of course... |
1466 | 01:08:32,775 | 01:08:34,319 | they'll probably get horses. | they'll probably get horses. |
1467 | 01:08:36,070 | 01:08:37,905 | Did I just start Planet of the fucking Apes? | Did I just start Planet of the fucking Apes? |
1468 | 01:08:37,989 | 01:08:40,742 | He's gonna teach his friends how to talk and get horses? | He's gonna teach his friends how to talk and get horses? |
1469 | 01:08:40,825 | 01:08:42,619 | Dude, I gotta kill this fucking thing! | Dude, I gotta kill this fucking thing! |
1470 | 01:08:43,369 | 01:08:45,830 | I gotta kill it. I fucked up. I gotta kill it. Sorry. | I gotta kill it. I fucked up. I gotta kill it. Sorry. |
1471 | 01:08:45,913 | 01:08:48,374 | Where's my Glock? Where the fuck is my Glock?! Where is it? | Where's my Glock? Where the fuck is my Glock?! Where is it? |
1472 | 01:08:48,458 | 01:08:50,668 | It was right here! It was right here! Fuck!" | It was right here! It was right here! Fuck!" |
1473 | 01:08:50,752 | 01:08:52,879 | Got a little six shooter. "Fuck it, I'll take this." | Got a little six shooter. "Fuck it, I'll take this." |
1474 | 01:08:52,962 | 01:08:55,882 | You run into the jungle, but it's a gorilla, so it's long gone. | You run into the jungle, but it's a gorilla, so it's long gone. |
1475 | 01:08:55,965 | 01:08:58,843 | But you can't give up, man. All of society's gonna go down on you. | But you can't give up, man. All of society's gonna go down on you. |
1476 | 01:08:58,926 | 01:09:00,219 | You've got to kill this thing. | You've got to kill this thing. |
1477 | 01:09:00,303 | 01:09:02,805 | So you're just trudging through the jungle for months. | So you're just trudging through the jungle for months. |
1478 | 01:09:02,889 | 01:09:04,432 | You get six, seven months in, | You get six, seven months in, |
1479 | 01:09:04,515 | 01:09:06,184 | you've got, like, malaria, | you've got, like, malaria, |
1480 | 01:09:06,267 | 01:09:07,935 | you're about ready to give up. | you're about ready to give up. |
1481 | 01:09:09,646 | 01:09:12,690 | And out of nowhere, your buddy just jumps down, just like... | And out of nowhere, your buddy just jumps down, just like... |
1482 | 01:09:13,274 | 01:09:14,609 | "Oh, shit! | "Oh, shit! |
1483 | 01:09:14,692 | 01:09:16,986 | What the fuck are you doing here?" | What the fuck are you doing here?" |
1484 | 01:09:19,781 | 01:09:21,741 | Then you just pull out your six shooter. | Then you just pull out your six shooter. |
1485 | 01:09:24,535 | 01:09:25,536 | "I'm sorry, buddy. | "I'm sorry, buddy. |
1486 | 01:09:26,829 | 01:09:27,830 | I gotta do it." | I gotta do it." |
1487 | 01:09:28,456 | 01:09:29,832 | The gorilla would be like, | The gorilla would be like, |
1488 | 01:09:29,916 | 01:09:30,917 | "But... | "But... |
1489 | 01:09:32,335 | 01:09:34,796 | I... I thought we were friends. | I... I thought we were friends. |
1490 | 01:09:36,714 | 01:09:37,799 | Why?" | Why?" |
1491 | 01:09:39,717 | 01:09:40,885 | "Well, you know, 'cause... | "Well, you know, 'cause... |
1492 | 01:09:41,552 | 01:09:43,554 | 'cause Jesus wanted it that way, you know?" | 'cause Jesus wanted it that way, you know?" |
1493 | 01:09:45,848 | 01:09:48,101 | "There's this whole book. He made us in his image. | "There's this whole book. He made us in his image. |
1494 | 01:09:48,184 | 01:09:51,229 | We're just, you know... We're better than you, you know? | We're just, you know... We're better than you, you know? |
1495 | 01:09:51,854 | 01:09:53,898 | Sorry, I can't have you talking to other chimps | Sorry, I can't have you talking to other chimps |
1496 | 01:09:53,981 | 01:09:56,192 | and then you tear down the Statue of Liberty." | and then you tear down the Statue of Liberty." |
1497 | 01:09:57,527 | 01:09:59,320 | "Everyone's gonna think I'm an asshole. | "Everyone's gonna think I'm an asshole. |
1498 | 01:10:01,531 | 01:10:02,907 | Look, I'll make it quick." | Look, I'll make it quick." |
1499 | 01:10:02,990 | 01:10:04,617 | And right as you go to pull the trigger, | And right as you go to pull the trigger, |
1500 | 01:10:04,701 | 01:10:06,828 | the gorilla pulls out that Glock you couldn't find. | the gorilla pulls out that Glock you couldn't find. |
1501 | 01:10:25,930 | 01:10:27,014 | "I just... | "I just... |
1502 | 01:10:27,098 | 01:10:28,558 | I just want to know one thing. | I just want to know one thing. |
1503 | 01:10:30,768 | 01:10:31,936 | How did you know?" | How did you know?" |
1504 | 01:10:35,231 | 01:10:36,566 | "You knew before I knew." | "You knew before I knew." |
1505 | 01:10:40,445 | 01:10:42,029 | I don't have an ending for this. | I don't have an ending for this. |
1506 | 01:10:45,950 | 01:10:46,951 | I don't. | I don't. |
1507 | 01:10:48,119 | 01:10:49,954 | And in a weird way, | And in a weird way, |
1508 | 01:10:50,037 | 01:10:51,414 | now you know how I felt.. | now you know how I felt.. |
1509 | 01:10:52,331 | 01:10:53,750 | when I watched that video. | when I watched that video. |
1510 | 01:10:55,668 | 01:10:58,296 | You know what it was? You know what it was? | You know what it was? You know what it was? |
1511 | 01:10:59,380 | 01:11:01,174 | I did that joke all around the country, | I did that joke all around the country, |
1512 | 01:11:01,257 | 01:11:03,551 | all right, and the gorilla always died, | all right, and the gorilla always died, |
1513 | 01:11:03,634 | 01:11:05,094 | 'cause Jesus wanted it that way... | 'cause Jesus wanted it that way... |
1514 | 01:11:05,178 | 01:11:07,138 | and that was it. | and that was it. |
1515 | 01:11:07,221 | 01:11:09,223 | And it fucking bombed | And it fucking bombed |
1516 | 01:11:09,307 | 01:11:12,143 | in every goddamn city in this country | in every goddamn city in this country |
1517 | 01:11:12,226 | 01:11:14,270 | except for Dallas, Texas. | except for Dallas, Texas. |
1518 | 01:11:14,353 | 01:11:16,939 | That was the only place where they got it. | That was the only place where they got it. |
1519 | 01:11:17,023 | 01:11:18,524 | And I'm not shitting on Texas. | And I'm not shitting on Texas. |
1520 | 01:11:18,608 | 01:11:20,151 | It bombed in Houston, Austin, | It bombed in Houston, Austin, |
1521 | 01:11:20,234 | 01:11:21,944 | El Paso, San Antonio. | El Paso, San Antonio. |
1522 | 01:11:22,028 | 01:11:24,781 | Killed in Dallas. They are the only ones who got it. | Killed in Dallas. They are the only ones who got it. |
1523 | 01:11:24,864 | 01:11:27,158 | They were like, "Hey, man, you did what you had to do. | They were like, "Hey, man, you did what you had to do. |
1524 | 01:11:27,867 | 01:11:30,077 | You did what you had to do, man." | You did what you had to do, man." |
1525 | 01:11:30,161 | 01:11:32,747 | "I mean, I loved that gorilla, too, but goddamnit, | "I mean, I loved that gorilla, too, but goddamnit, |
1526 | 01:11:32,830 | 01:11:35,958 | you cannot have two species working together. | you cannot have two species working together. |
1527 | 01:11:37,919 | 01:11:41,464 | I tell you right now, you get a couple of gorillas on a bareback horse | I tell you right now, you get a couple of gorillas on a bareback horse |
1528 | 01:11:41,547 | 01:11:45,051 | with a single bolt action rifle, that is the end of society as we know it." | with a single bolt action rifle, that is the end of society as we know it." |
1529 | 01:11:46,719 | 01:11:48,679 | "You should get a hypothetical medal... | "You should get a hypothetical medal... |
1530 | 01:11:49,180 | 01:11:51,599 | for killing that gorilla, hypothetically." | for killing that gorilla, hypothetically." |
1531 | 01:11:53,267 | 01:11:55,144 | So... All right. | So... All right. |
1532 | 01:11:55,978 | 01:11:58,481 | I'm gonna end with a quick little story here, okay? | I'm gonna end with a quick little story here, okay? |
1533 | 01:11:59,106 | 01:12:01,359 | They're always talking about how to make a woman happy, | They're always talking about how to make a woman happy, |
1534 | 01:12:01,442 | 01:12:04,445 | but they don't do it enough to help you guys out how to make a man happy. | but they don't do it enough to help you guys out how to make a man happy. |
1535 | 01:12:04,529 | 01:12:06,989 | The great thing about men is we're fucking simple. | The great thing about men is we're fucking simple. |
1536 | 01:12:07,073 | 01:12:08,407 | We're fucking simple, okay? | We're fucking simple, okay? |
1537 | 01:12:08,491 | 01:12:10,535 | So here's the thing. You want to make a guy happy? | So here's the thing. You want to make a guy happy? |
1538 | 01:12:10,618 | 01:12:13,538 | If you're with a good guy, okay, this is all you've got to do, okay? | If you're with a good guy, okay, this is all you've got to do, okay? |
1539 | 01:12:13,621 | 01:12:16,374 | How about four times a year, once a season... | How about four times a year, once a season... |
1540 | 01:12:19,877 | 01:12:21,003 | you go out to the kitchen. | you go out to the kitchen. |
1541 | 01:12:21,087 | 01:12:24,549 | Without him saying shit, you make a sandwich, you get him a beer, | Without him saying shit, you make a sandwich, you get him a beer, |
1542 | 01:12:24,632 | 01:12:27,093 | you walk out, you give it to him, you don't say a word, | you walk out, you give it to him, you don't say a word, |
1543 | 01:12:27,176 | 01:12:28,511 | and you just fucking leave. | and you just fucking leave. |
1544 | 01:12:32,348 | 01:12:33,683 | That's all you've got to do. | That's all you've got to do. |
1545 | 01:12:34,767 | 01:12:37,603 | Every three months, you do that, you'll keep him happy. | Every three months, you do that, you'll keep him happy. |
1546 | 01:12:37,687 | 01:12:38,688 | That's all it takes. | That's all it takes. |
1547 | 01:12:38,771 | 01:12:41,023 | I know right out of the gate this is coming off sexist, | I know right out of the gate this is coming off sexist, |
1548 | 01:12:41,107 | 01:12:44,318 | because I'm saying, "Go out in the kitchen. Make your man a sandwich." | because I'm saying, "Go out in the kitchen. Make your man a sandwich." |
1549 | 01:12:44,402 | 01:12:46,863 | I'm not saying women belong in the kitchen, | I'm not saying women belong in the kitchen, |
1550 | 01:12:46,946 | 01:12:49,240 | barefoot and pregnant, rubbing my balls. | barefoot and pregnant, rubbing my balls. |
1551 | 01:12:49,323 | 01:12:50,408 | I'm not saying that. | I'm not saying that. |
1552 | 01:12:52,326 | 01:12:53,327 | Okay? | Okay? |
1553 | 01:12:54,412 | 01:12:56,789 | I'm just saying, women, go in the kitchen. | I'm just saying, women, go in the kitchen. |
1554 | 01:12:56,873 | 01:13:00,877 | Just go in the kitchen four times in a year, make a sandwich. | Just go in the kitchen four times in a year, make a sandwich. |
1555 | 01:13:00,960 | 01:13:02,211 | A toddler could do that. | A toddler could do that. |
1556 | 01:13:02,879 | 01:13:03,921 | Just put it together. | Just put it together. |
1557 | 01:13:04,422 | 01:13:07,466 | Grab two slices of pre-made, pre-sliced bread, | Grab two slices of pre-made, pre-sliced bread, |
1558 | 01:13:07,550 | 01:13:09,385 | two handfuls of pre-murdered meat. | two handfuls of pre-murdered meat. |
1559 | 01:13:10,177 | 01:13:11,470 | Put a little mustard on it. | Put a little mustard on it. |
1560 | 01:13:11,554 | 01:13:12,930 | Grab a beer, walk out, | Grab a beer, walk out, |
1561 | 01:13:13,014 | 01:13:15,808 | just hand it to him, don't say shit, and then fucking leave. | just hand it to him, don't say shit, and then fucking leave. |
1562 | 01:13:15,892 | 01:13:17,101 | When I say leave, I mean leave. | When I say leave, I mean leave. |
1563 | 01:13:17,184 | 01:13:19,979 | I don't mean walk into another room for, like, ten minutes | I don't mean walk into another room for, like, ten minutes |
1564 | 01:13:20,062 | 01:13:21,689 | and then stick your head back and be like, | and then stick your head back and be like, |
1565 | 01:13:21,772 | 01:13:23,316 | "Did you like it? Was it good? | "Did you like it? Was it good? |
1566 | 01:13:23,399 | 01:13:25,860 | Great, because downstairs we need to... | Great, because downstairs we need to... |
1567 | 01:13:25,943 | 01:13:29,196 | Don't yell at me! I just made you a sandwich!" | Don't yell at me! I just made you a sandwich!" |
1568 | 01:13:30,114 | 01:13:31,365 | I don't mean that. I mean leave. | I don't mean that. I mean leave. |
1569 | 01:13:31,449 | 01:13:33,910 | Get in the car and fucking get out of here. | Get in the car and fucking get out of here. |
1570 | 01:13:33,993 | 01:13:36,954 | Take the kids, drive down the street. | Take the kids, drive down the street. |
1571 | 01:13:37,038 | 01:13:39,165 | Go see Lord Of The Rings a couple of times, | Go see Lord Of The Rings a couple of times, |
1572 | 01:13:39,248 | 01:13:43,252 | and leave your man in the stunned silence of what you just did. | and leave your man in the stunned silence of what you just did. |
1573 | 01:13:44,003 | 01:13:46,380 | If you ever want to see your guy get emotional, | If you ever want to see your guy get emotional, |
1574 | 01:13:46,464 | 01:13:50,927 | to see a man get emotional, you make him a fucking sandwich that he didn't ask for. | to see a man get emotional, you make him a fucking sandwich that he didn't ask for. |
1575 | 01:13:51,010 | 01:13:54,180 | I'm telling you, he's gonna have to dry the tears with the bread. | I'm telling you, he's gonna have to dry the tears with the bread. |
1576 | 01:13:55,181 | 01:13:56,974 | He's gonna be so shocked, like... | He's gonna be so shocked, like... |
1577 | 01:13:57,642 | 01:13:58,851 | "You made this for me? | "You made this for me? |
1578 | 01:13:59,852 | 01:14:01,479 | And I didn't even ask. | And I didn't even ask. |
1579 | 01:14:02,438 | 01:14:03,481 | Oh, my God! | Oh, my God! |
1580 | 01:14:06,609 | 01:14:08,569 | I think she still gives a fuck!" | I think she still gives a fuck!" |
1581 | 01:14:10,613 | 01:14:11,614 | Yeah. | Yeah. |
1582 | 01:14:11,697 | 01:14:14,825 | Quick story. Me and my wife bought a house in 2011. | Quick story. Me and my wife bought a house in 2011. |
1583 | 01:14:14,909 | 01:14:17,244 | And by "me and my wife" I mean I paid for it. | And by "me and my wife" I mean I paid for it. |
1584 | 01:14:17,328 | 01:14:18,788 | Right? | Right? |
1585 | 01:14:20,539 | 01:14:21,832 | She hates that joke, | She hates that joke, |
1586 | 01:14:21,916 | 01:14:23,084 | but I don't give a shit. | but I don't give a shit. |
1587 | 01:14:23,918 | 01:14:26,337 | It's true. And she's always breaking my balls. | It's true. And she's always breaking my balls. |
1588 | 01:14:26,420 | 01:14:29,298 | "Don't put your shoes over here. They belong over there." | "Don't put your shoes over here. They belong over there." |
1589 | 01:14:29,382 | 01:14:32,176 | "Yeah? Well, I bought over there, and I bought over here, | "Yeah? Well, I bought over there, and I bought over here, |
1590 | 01:14:32,259 | 01:14:34,387 | so I'll put my fucking shoes | so I'll put my fucking shoes |
1591 | 01:14:34,470 | 01:14:35,596 | wherever I want to. | wherever I want to. |
1592 | 01:14:37,306 | 01:14:38,933 | Oh, shirt's coming off! | Oh, shirt's coming off! |
1593 | 01:14:39,016 | 01:14:40,226 | Where's it going?" | Where's it going?" |
1594 | 01:14:41,143 | 01:14:42,144 | Right? | Right? |
1595 | 01:14:44,772 | 01:14:45,815 | So we get into the house. | So we get into the house. |
1596 | 01:14:45,898 | 01:14:47,733 | She's scoping it out, because she's smart. | She's scoping it out, because she's smart. |
1597 | 01:14:47,817 | 01:14:50,361 | She's finding the rooms that get sun, checking closet space. | She's finding the rooms that get sun, checking closet space. |
1598 | 01:14:50,444 | 01:14:52,571 | Me, like an idiot, I want to check out the garage. | Me, like an idiot, I want to check out the garage. |
1599 | 01:14:52,655 | 01:14:54,281 | For whatever reason, I'm drawn to this. | For whatever reason, I'm drawn to this. |
1600 | 01:14:54,365 | 01:14:57,576 | And I go down, I open the door, and the last people hadn't cleaned it out. | And I go down, I open the door, and the last people hadn't cleaned it out. |
1601 | 01:14:57,660 | 01:15:00,329 | There was a busted refrigerator, an old file cabinet, | There was a busted refrigerator, an old file cabinet, |
1602 | 01:15:00,413 | 01:15:02,456 | an ab-roller, something from a luau. | an ab-roller, something from a luau. |
1603 | 01:15:02,540 | 01:15:05,584 | There were like seven failed businesses in this goddamn thing, | There were like seven failed businesses in this goddamn thing, |
1604 | 01:15:05,668 | 01:15:09,130 | and I gotta start lugging this shit out in, like, 90-degree weather, | and I gotta start lugging this shit out in, like, 90-degree weather, |
1605 | 01:15:09,213 | 01:15:12,383 | as a redhead, hating my life, right? | as a redhead, hating my life, right? |
1606 | 01:15:12,466 | 01:15:15,094 | I got three hours into this job, my forearms were cut, | I got three hours into this job, my forearms were cut, |
1607 | 01:15:15,177 | 01:15:17,054 | I had dirt, sweat, cobwebs all over me. | I had dirt, sweat, cobwebs all over me. |
1608 | 01:15:17,138 | 01:15:19,432 | I wanted to burn down this fucking house. | I wanted to burn down this fucking house. |
1609 | 01:15:19,515 | 01:15:20,599 | I was ready to leave. | I was ready to leave. |
1610 | 01:15:20,683 | 01:15:22,518 | But out of nowhere, my wife showed up, | But out of nowhere, my wife showed up, |
1611 | 01:15:22,601 | 01:15:25,229 | big smile on her face, and she had made me a sandwich. | big smile on her face, and she had made me a sandwich. |
1612 | 01:15:25,896 | 01:15:27,732 | Cut it in half diagonally, | Cut it in half diagonally, |
1613 | 01:15:27,815 | 01:15:29,525 | which is love, right? | which is love, right? |
1614 | 01:15:30,234 | 01:15:32,695 | If they don't cut it in half, they might as well frisbee it. | If they don't cut it in half, they might as well frisbee it. |
1615 | 01:15:32,778 | 01:15:34,655 | "Here you go, you fucking piece of shit. | "Here you go, you fucking piece of shit. |
1616 | 01:15:35,740 | 01:15:37,158 | Hose yourself off! | Hose yourself off! |
1617 | 01:15:37,241 | 01:15:38,743 | You should live out here! | You should live out here! |
1618 | 01:15:38,826 | 01:15:40,911 | You should live out here!" Right? | You should live out here!" Right? |
1619 | 01:15:41,537 | 01:15:42,913 | Cut it in half diagonally, | Cut it in half diagonally, |
1620 | 01:15:42,997 | 01:15:44,623 | poured Fritos in the middle, | poured Fritos in the middle, |
1621 | 01:15:44,707 | 01:15:46,542 | and gave me an ice-cold beer. | and gave me an ice-cold beer. |
1622 | 01:15:46,625 | 01:15:48,502 | She did that five years ago. | She did that five years ago. |
1623 | 01:15:49,211 | 01:15:53,007 | Do you know, to this day, every once in a while, I still think about that sandwich. | Do you know, to this day, every once in a while, I still think about that sandwich. |
1624 | 01:15:53,090 | 01:15:54,884 | It's unbelievable. | It's unbelievable. |
1625 | 01:15:54,967 | 01:15:58,471 | It just pops in my head like this fond memory. | It just pops in my head like this fond memory. |
1626 | 01:15:58,554 | 01:16:00,431 | I'll just be by myself, talking in the car. | I'll just be by myself, talking in the car. |
1627 | 01:16:00,514 | 01:16:04,018 | "Remember that time she made me a sandwich? It was unbelievable! | "Remember that time she made me a sandwich? It was unbelievable! |
1628 | 01:16:04,560 | 01:16:08,689 | She cut it in half, Fritos, an ice-cold beer. I felt like a king!" | She cut it in half, Fritos, an ice-cold beer. I felt like a king!" |
1629 | 01:16:09,899 | 01:16:12,651 | That's all it takes. You know what it felt like at that moment? | That's all it takes. You know what it felt like at that moment? |
1630 | 01:16:12,735 | 01:16:15,237 | You remember that movie Shawshank Redemption? | You remember that movie Shawshank Redemption? |
1631 | 01:16:15,988 | 01:16:19,575 | You know that scene where the prisoners are drinking the beer on the rooftop | You know that scene where the prisoners are drinking the beer on the rooftop |
1632 | 01:16:19,658 | 01:16:20,951 | with the sun in their face? | with the sun in their face? |
1633 | 01:16:21,035 | 01:16:22,286 | That's what it felt like. | That's what it felt like. |
1634 | 01:16:23,496 | 01:16:24,830 | The only thing missing | The only thing missing |
1635 | 01:16:24,914 | 01:16:28,167 | was Morgan Freeman's voice narrating over the top, | was Morgan Freeman's voice narrating over the top, |
1636 | 01:16:28,250 | 01:16:31,378 | "And for 20 minutes, Bill Burr felt like a free man." | "And for 20 minutes, Bill Burr felt like a free man." |
1637 | 01:16:32,046 | 01:16:34,632 | All right, I'm out of time. You guys were so awesome. | All right, I'm out of time. You guys were so awesome. |
1638 | 01:16:34,715 | 01:16:36,300 | Thank you so, so much for coming out. | Thank you so, so much for coming out. |
1639 | 01:16:38,302 | 01:16:39,887 | Thank you, thank you, thank you. | Thank you, thank you, thank you. |
1640 | 01:16:43,057 | 01:16:45,309 | I really had a great time. Thank you so much. | I really had a great time. Thank you so much. |