# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:24,691 00:00:26,443 All right, thank you. All right, thank you.
2 00:00:27,236 00:00:29,071 Thank you very much. How are you? Thank you very much. How are you?
3 00:00:30,072 00:00:31,281 How's it going? How's it going?
4 00:00:33,659 00:00:35,369 Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
5 00:00:36,453 00:00:37,871 Nice to be here. Nice to be here.
6 00:00:38,580 00:00:40,541 Nice to be here. Thank you. Nice to be here. Thank you.
7 00:00:40,624 00:00:43,168 I appreciate it. Let's see if I'm funny first. I appreciate it. Let's see if I'm funny first.
8 00:00:43,919 00:00:45,295 Let's see if I'm funny. Let's see if I'm funny.
9 00:00:45,379 00:00:47,673 Nice to be here in Nashville. Nice to be here in Nashville.
10 00:00:47,756 00:00:50,801 Look at me. I went out and got myself a cowboy shirt. Look at me. I went out and got myself a cowboy shirt.
11 00:00:50,884 00:00:52,010 Right? Right?
12 00:00:52,511 00:00:53,887 To fit in with all you guys To fit in with all you guys
13 00:00:53,971 00:00:55,764 coming in from your ranches. coming in from your ranches.
14 00:00:55,847 00:00:57,349 Huh? Huh?
15 00:00:57,432 00:00:58,892 Living out there in the barns. Living out there in the barns.
16 00:00:58,976 00:01:00,227 Is this what you're doing? Is this what you're doing?
17 00:01:02,145 00:01:04,523 You're like, "I'm working on an app, okay?" You're like, "I'm working on an app, okay?"
18 00:01:05,649 00:01:07,150 "To launch this website." "To launch this website."
19 00:01:08,777 00:01:09,778 Um... Um...
20 00:01:10,737 00:01:12,698 Oh, shit. What a fucked-up time this is, huh? Oh, shit. What a fucked-up time this is, huh?
21 00:01:13,198 00:01:16,159 It's so weird to tape a special right before a presidential election, It's so weird to tape a special right before a presidential election,
22 00:01:16,243 00:01:17,744 especially one like this. especially one like this.
23 00:01:17,828 00:01:20,539 Like, this is literally, like, "What is going to happen?" Like, this is literally, like, "What is going to happen?"
24 00:01:21,832 00:01:25,669 You know? How the fuck did we end up with these two? Jesus Christ. You know? How the fuck did we end up with these two? Jesus Christ.
25 00:01:25,752 00:01:28,046 This is like the first week of American Idol. This is like the first week of American Idol.
26 00:01:28,547 00:01:31,758 You know? It's like, "Really? This is what I got?" You know? It's like, "Really? This is what I got?"
27 00:01:32,968 00:01:35,053 "Take his coat! Take his coat!" "Take his coat! Take his coat!"
28 00:01:37,055 00:01:39,141 Whatever the hell she's doing. You know? Whatever the hell she's doing. You know?
29 00:01:40,726 00:01:44,813 It's unbelievable. You've either got a racist dope or, like, the devil. It's unbelievable. You've either got a racist dope or, like, the devil.
30 00:01:45,397 00:01:47,024 Like, that's the choices. Like, that's the choices.
31 00:01:49,234 00:01:51,945 "I just walk up and grab it! I just grab it!" "I just walk up and grab it! I just grab it!"
32 00:01:54,364 00:01:55,365 All right. All right.
33 00:01:56,617 00:01:57,743 Is that what you do? Is that what you do?
34 00:01:59,369 00:02:01,455 Fucking lunatic. "I'm gonna build a wall. Fucking lunatic. "I'm gonna build a wall.
35 00:02:01,538 00:02:02,748 I'm gonna build a wall." I'm gonna build a wall."
36 00:02:03,790 00:02:07,294 I love people thinking he's actually gonna do that. Really? Are you gonna do that? I love people thinking he's actually gonna do that. Really? Are you gonna do that?
37 00:02:07,377 00:02:10,172 You're gonna build a wall from fucking California to Texas? You're gonna build a wall from fucking California to Texas?
38 00:02:10,255 00:02:11,340 You're gonna do this? You're gonna do this?
39 00:02:12,174 00:02:13,634 Have you ever done that drive? Have you ever done that drive?
40 00:02:14,551 00:02:16,011 Because I've done that drive. Because I've done that drive.
41 00:02:16,595 00:02:19,097 Took the 10 East out of Los Angeles. Took the 10 East out of Los Angeles.
42 00:02:19,181 00:02:22,225 That is a two-day drive, 80 miles an hour. That is a two-day drive, 80 miles an hour.
43 00:02:26,063 00:02:27,481 Just wall, wall, wall. Just wall, wall, wall.
44 00:02:27,564 00:02:29,650 You're in there like John Goodman You're in there like John Goodman
45 00:02:29,733 00:02:30,817 in Raising Arizona... in Raising Arizona...
46 00:02:31,818 00:02:32,736 just driving. just driving.
47 00:02:33,528 00:02:35,072 Like, how many times Like, how many times
48 00:02:35,155 00:02:37,407 are you gonna go to Home Depot are you gonna go to Home Depot
49 00:02:37,491 00:02:38,617 to build this thing? to build this thing?
50 00:02:39,117 00:02:42,079 You actually think you're gonna get this done? You actually think you're gonna get this done?
51 00:02:42,704 00:02:43,789 Look at the Freedom Tower. Look at the Freedom Tower.
52 00:02:43,872 00:02:45,707 We actually wanted that shit We actually wanted that shit
53 00:02:45,791 00:02:48,168 and it took almost 15 years to get it done. and it took almost 15 years to get it done.
54 00:02:48,835 00:02:51,463 Half the people don't even want this fucking thing. Half the people don't even want this fucking thing.
55 00:02:52,130 00:02:54,257 I'm telling you, by the time they've finished it, I'm telling you, by the time they've finished it,
56 00:02:54,341 00:02:57,803 this country will be so fucked up, we're gonna be the ones going over it. this country will be so fucked up, we're gonna be the ones going over it.
57 00:02:59,513 00:03:01,932 "Dude, they got... they got real sugar!" "Dude, they got... they got real sugar!"
58 00:03:04,267 00:03:05,977 "They got real sugar in their Coke!" "They got real sugar in their Coke!"
59 00:03:06,686 00:03:07,854 "I heard, on the other side, "I heard, on the other side,
60 00:03:07,938 00:03:11,066 the Orange Crush tastes like it did in 1978." the Orange Crush tastes like it did in 1978."
61 00:03:12,859 00:03:16,029 Remember that two-year period when it was actually delicious? Remember that two-year period when it was actually delicious?
62 00:03:16,113 00:03:18,698 Yeah. So you've got him and then you've got Hillary. Yeah. So you've got him and then you've got Hillary.
63 00:03:18,782 00:03:20,951 Hillary's just like a made guy. Hillary's just like a made guy.
64 00:03:21,034 00:03:22,411 Just a made-fucking-guy. Just a made-fucking-guy.
65 00:03:22,494 00:03:26,540 Everybody thinks, like, you know, she dresses like a real-estate agent. Everybody thinks, like, you know, she dresses like a real-estate agent.
66 00:03:26,623 00:03:28,500 You know? Nothing to worry about. You know? Nothing to worry about.
67 00:03:28,583 00:03:30,585 She's a fucking made guy. She's a fucking made guy.
68 00:03:30,669 00:03:32,587 She's gonna give 'em the wars, She's gonna give 'em the wars,
69 00:03:32,671 00:03:35,090 she's gonna microchip the babies, she's gonna microchip the babies,
70 00:03:35,173 00:03:36,299 phase out the cash. phase out the cash.
71 00:03:36,383 00:03:40,178 She's not gonna do it, but she's gonna keep steering it in that direction. She's not gonna do it, but she's gonna keep steering it in that direction.
72 00:03:40,262 00:03:43,181 Privatizing water. Water's not a basic human right. Privatizing water. Water's not a basic human right.
73 00:03:43,265 00:03:44,266 She's gonna... She's gonna...
74 00:03:44,850 00:03:46,768 go through the whole fucking thing, go through the whole fucking thing,
75 00:03:46,852 00:03:49,521 that psycho fucking thing that you do that psycho fucking thing that you do
76 00:03:49,604 00:03:51,314 when you go after that kind of power. when you go after that kind of power.
77 00:03:51,398 00:03:54,985 You've got to put it all over here in a little box, all your evil, You've got to put it all over here in a little box, all your evil,
78 00:03:55,068 00:03:57,237 as you're just sitting there, fucking smiling, as you're just sitting there, fucking smiling,
79 00:03:57,320 00:03:58,989 knowing what's really going on. knowing what's really going on.
80 00:03:59,823 00:04:01,867 As you're talking to Joe Sixpack. As you're talking to Joe Sixpack.
81 00:04:01,950 00:04:04,786 He puts his pants on one leg at a time. He puts his pants on one leg at a time.
82 00:04:07,330 00:04:08,665 No, it's so fucking, you know... No, it's so fucking, you know...
83 00:04:10,333 00:04:11,752 It's unreal. Like, I don't know... It's unreal. Like, I don't know...
84 00:04:12,753 00:04:14,629 These are the two worst choices ever. These are the two worst choices ever.
85 00:04:15,797 00:04:19,009 Trump, if he wasn't... if he wasn't so fucking racist... Trump, if he wasn't... if he wasn't so fucking racist...
86 00:04:19,593 00:04:22,387 If he wasn't so racist... I can deal with the pussy-grabbing. If he wasn't so racist... I can deal with the pussy-grabbing.
87 00:04:22,471 00:04:23,722 That's not in my world. That's not in my world.
88 00:04:24,639 00:04:27,517 I'm selfish, like every other voter, all right? I'm selfish, like every other voter, all right?
89 00:04:28,226 00:04:30,729 If he wasn't so fucking racist... If he wasn't so fucking racist...
90 00:04:31,605 00:04:33,565 he would actually scare me a little less, he would actually scare me a little less,
91 00:04:33,648 00:04:35,817 because he's so obviously a dope. because he's so obviously a dope.
92 00:04:35,901 00:04:38,403 He's so dumb, I don't think he could get away with anything. He's so dumb, I don't think he could get away with anything.
93 00:04:38,487 00:04:39,738 You know what he reminds me of? You know what he reminds me of?
94 00:04:39,821 00:04:41,281 Have you ever watched Law & Order Have you ever watched Law & Order
95 00:04:41,364 00:04:45,035 and they make an arrest, like, within the first 15 minutes, you know, and they make an arrest, like, within the first 15 minutes, you know,
96 00:04:45,118 00:04:47,287 and they're trying to get you to think, "We got him!" and they're trying to get you to think, "We got him!"
97 00:04:47,370 00:04:50,540 You're just looking at your watch. "There's no way this guy did this shit." You're just looking at your watch. "There's no way this guy did this shit."
98 00:04:51,958 00:04:54,336 "There's, like, another 45 minutes left." "There's, like, another 45 minutes left."
99 00:04:55,128 00:04:56,671 "This can't be the guy. "This can't be the guy.
100 00:04:56,755 00:04:57,964 Who's the real guy?" Who's the real guy?"
101 00:04:59,424 00:05:02,302 And that's when fucking Hillary, she fucking comes walking in. And that's when fucking Hillary, she fucking comes walking in.
102 00:05:03,428 00:05:05,806 Yeah, she goes to those Bilderberg meetings, you know, Yeah, she goes to those Bilderberg meetings, you know,
103 00:05:05,889 00:05:08,517 where they dress up like pheasants and they fuck each other. where they dress up like pheasants and they fuck each other.
104 00:05:08,600 00:05:09,601 Right? Right?
105 00:05:10,227 00:05:12,729 Sacrifice some employee from a Best Buy. Sacrifice some employee from a Best Buy.
106 00:05:14,314 00:05:16,483 Fight over his name tag for a trophy. Fight over his name tag for a trophy.
107 00:05:16,566 00:05:17,567 Right? Right?
108 00:05:20,278 00:05:22,697 Who do you pick? I've got no idea. Who do you pick? I've got no idea.
109 00:05:22,781 00:05:25,700 So I've just been, like, regressing. I can't deal with this shit. So I've just been, like, regressing. I can't deal with this shit.
110 00:05:25,784 00:05:27,202 I just want to hit pause. I just want to hit pause.
111 00:05:27,285 00:05:30,372 I don't want this election to fucking happen, so I've just been regressing, I don't want this election to fucking happen, so I've just been regressing,
112 00:05:30,455 00:05:34,209 and I'm just watching the dumbest shit I possibly can. and I'm just watching the dumbest shit I possibly can.
113 00:05:34,292 00:05:35,544 You know, morning time, You know, morning time,
114 00:05:35,627 00:05:38,547 those stupid talk shows to get soccer moms' day started. those stupid talk shows to get soccer moms' day started.
115 00:05:39,047 00:05:41,591 You know, they have all those non-thinking stories. You know, they have all those non-thinking stories.
116 00:05:41,675 00:05:43,635 "You love him. He's your best friend. "You love him. He's your best friend.
117 00:05:43,718 00:05:44,928 But did you ever wonder, But did you ever wonder,
118 00:05:45,011 00:05:48,306 what does your dog do when you're not home?" what does your dog do when you're not home?"
119 00:05:49,099 00:05:51,434 "The next video may surprise you." "The next video may surprise you."
120 00:05:51,518 00:05:55,397 And I just... "Fill it up! Fill up my brain with this dumb shit! And I just... "Fill it up! Fill up my brain with this dumb shit!
121 00:05:55,480 00:05:57,941 I don't want to deal with what's really going on." I don't want to deal with what's really going on."
122 00:05:58,692 00:06:01,528 "Nationwide heroin epidemic? Fuck that!" "Nationwide heroin epidemic? Fuck that!"
123 00:06:02,279 00:06:04,114 "It's National Taco Day. "It's National Taco Day.
124 00:06:04,197 00:06:06,700 We've got Tony from Tony's Taco. We've got Tony from Tony's Taco.
125 00:06:06,783 00:06:10,120 Tony, what is it that makes a great taco?" Tony, what is it that makes a great taco?"
126 00:06:10,620 00:06:13,123 "Well, it's all about starting out with the tortilla." "Well, it's all about starting out with the tortilla."
127 00:06:13,748 00:06:17,002 Like, watching them making pancakes and all that shit. Like, watching them making pancakes and all that shit.
128 00:06:17,544 00:06:20,213 Talking to the ladies, talking about body issues. Talking to the ladies, talking about body issues.
129 00:06:20,297 00:06:21,756 They always talk about body issues. They always talk about body issues.
130 00:06:21,840 00:06:24,718 That's the dumbest one ever, when they talk about Hollywood. That's the dumbest one ever, when they talk about Hollywood.
131 00:06:24,801 00:06:29,306 "Hollywood, they create these impossible body images. Blah-blah-blah." "Hollywood, they create these impossible body images. Blah-blah-blah."
132 00:06:29,389 00:06:32,183 You know, that whole thing. The plus-size actress. You know, that whole thing. The plus-size actress.
133 00:06:32,267 00:06:33,268 Right? Right?
134 00:06:33,351 00:06:34,519 The fatties. The fatties.
135 00:06:35,020 00:06:37,188 You know? That's like a big thing. You know? That's like a big thing.
136 00:06:37,272 00:06:39,649 They're sick of being treated like fat people. They're sick of being treated like fat people.
137 00:06:40,358 00:06:41,443 I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is.
138 00:06:41,526 00:06:44,821 They're going on the cover of magazines now, just showing how fat they are, They're going on the cover of magazines now, just showing how fat they are,
139 00:06:44,904 00:06:48,241 wearing a little amount of clothes, and everybody's, like, hyping 'em up. wearing a little amount of clothes, and everybody's, like, hyping 'em up.
140 00:06:48,325 00:06:50,702 Like, "Oh, my God. That's so brave! Like, "Oh, my God. That's so brave!
141 00:06:50,785 00:06:52,704 That's so courageous!" That's so courageous!"
142 00:06:53,413 00:06:55,582 I'm not saying it doesn't take balls, I'm not saying it doesn't take balls,
143 00:06:55,665 00:06:57,626 but that's a bit of an overreach but that's a bit of an overreach
144 00:06:57,709 00:07:00,211 with the word "brave," right? with the word "brave," right?
145 00:07:01,046 00:07:04,507 Like, what am I supposed to do if I ever see a fireman running out of a building Like, what am I supposed to do if I ever see a fireman running out of a building
146 00:07:04,591 00:07:06,176 carrying a baby and an old lady? carrying a baby and an old lady?
147 00:07:06,259 00:07:08,678 Am I gonna sit there like, "Oh, my God! Am I gonna sit there like, "Oh, my God!
148 00:07:08,762 00:07:10,805 You're like a fat actress You're like a fat actress
149 00:07:10,889 00:07:12,724 that takes her shirt off that takes her shirt off
150 00:07:12,807 00:07:14,601 to do a magazine shoot to do a magazine shoot
151 00:07:14,684 00:07:16,394 to promote the movie she's in"? to promote the movie she's in"?
152 00:07:19,648 00:07:23,485 Now, look, I know you're not supposed to make fun of fat people. Now, look, I know you're not supposed to make fun of fat people.
153 00:07:23,568 00:07:25,278 I understand, all right? I understand, all right?
154 00:07:25,362 00:07:26,696 I don't know why, though. I don't know why, though.
155 00:07:28,865 00:07:32,118 Why? They're not a race, they're not a religion. Why? They're not a race, they're not a religion.
156 00:07:32,202 00:07:33,662 It's totally curable. It's totally curable.
157 00:07:34,162 00:07:37,457 Eat an apple and go for a walk, you know? Eat an apple and go for a walk, you know?
158 00:07:37,958 00:07:40,794 Why are you yelling at everybody else? Why are you yelling at everybody else?
159 00:07:41,711 00:07:43,713 What the fuck are you giving me shit for? What the fuck are you giving me shit for?
160 00:07:43,797 00:07:45,924 All right? You put the cookies in there! All right? You put the cookies in there!
161 00:07:46,007 00:07:47,008 I didn't! I didn't!
162 00:07:47,801 00:07:49,511 How is this my problem? How is this my problem?
163 00:07:51,221 00:07:55,016 Jesus Christ! You ate your way in, you can walk your way out. Jesus Christ! You ate your way in, you can walk your way out.
164 00:07:55,517 00:07:58,979 All right? And just slowly start shedding the pounds. All right? And just slowly start shedding the pounds.
165 00:07:59,062 00:08:01,898 Shove some fucking lettuce in there Shove some fucking lettuce in there
166 00:08:01,982 00:08:03,483 instead of a bunch of Ho Hos instead of a bunch of Ho Hos
167 00:08:03,566 00:08:05,443 and it's gonna come down, and it's gonna come down,
168 00:08:05,527 00:08:07,529 and then you're on my side of the fence, right? and then you're on my side of the fence, right?
169 00:08:07,612 00:08:09,155 Join me. Come on, say it with me. Join me. Come on, say it with me.
170 00:08:09,239 00:08:11,866 Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!
171 00:08:12,742 00:08:13,618 Right? Right?
172 00:08:15,829 00:08:17,539 I know you're not supposed to shame. I know you're not supposed to shame.
173 00:08:17,622 00:08:19,249 You're not supposed to fat-shame, You're not supposed to fat-shame,
174 00:08:19,332 00:08:21,084 you're not supposed to slut-shame. you're not supposed to slut-shame.
175 00:08:21,626 00:08:23,211 They're, like, shaming shaming. They're, like, shaming shaming.
176 00:08:23,878 00:08:26,131 People aren't supposed to walk around with any shame. People aren't supposed to walk around with any shame.
177 00:08:26,214 00:08:29,718 It's a legitimate human emotion, but you're not supposed to feel it at all. It's a legitimate human emotion, but you're not supposed to feel it at all.
178 00:08:29,801 00:08:32,345 You're supposed to just walk around like a dictator. You're supposed to just walk around like a dictator.
179 00:08:32,429 00:08:35,015 You're not gonna feel any shame? You've never felt shame? You're not gonna feel any shame? You've never felt shame?
180 00:08:35,098 00:08:37,976 You never had such a bad fucking night, the next morning, you woke up, You never had such a bad fucking night, the next morning, you woke up,
181 00:08:38,059 00:08:39,602 you couldn't even look in the mirror? you couldn't even look in the mirror?
182 00:08:39,686 00:08:41,312 When you brush your teeth, you looked up. When you brush your teeth, you looked up.
183 00:08:41,396 00:08:43,606 You're like, "Oh, you fucking piece of shit. You're like, "Oh, you fucking piece of shit.
184 00:08:43,690 00:08:45,191 Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
185 00:08:45,275 00:08:47,277 Even for you, that was bad. Even for you, that was bad.
186 00:08:47,360 00:08:49,195 Lights out, curtains drawn, Lights out, curtains drawn,
187 00:08:49,279 00:08:51,072 until at least two in the afternoon, until at least two in the afternoon,
188 00:08:51,156 00:08:52,741 before I can even look at you, before I can even look at you,
189 00:08:52,824 00:08:54,743 you fucking piece of shit!" you fucking piece of shit!"
190 00:08:56,327 00:08:58,163 Yeah, you're supposed to have no shame? Yeah, you're supposed to have no shame?
191 00:08:58,246 00:08:59,539 That's the new world? That's the new world?
192 00:08:59,622 00:09:01,916 You're just gonna walk around, sucking dick, You're just gonna walk around, sucking dick,
193 00:09:02,000 00:09:03,460 you know, eating cookies, you know, eating cookies,
194 00:09:03,543 00:09:06,254 and just show up, and nobody's supposed to say anything? and just show up, and nobody's supposed to say anything?
195 00:09:06,337 00:09:07,839 No one's supposed to have an opinion? No one's supposed to have an opinion?
196 00:09:07,922 00:09:10,425 "Well, that's gonna go off the rails pretty soon." "Well, that's gonna go off the rails pretty soon."
197 00:09:13,970 00:09:15,722 I know, it's probably mean to do this stuff, I know, it's probably mean to do this stuff,
198 00:09:15,805 00:09:18,183 but, like, you can only have so much sympathy. but, like, you can only have so much sympathy.
199 00:09:18,266 00:09:20,727 There's so much stuff you can care about. There's so much stuff you can care about.
200 00:09:20,810 00:09:24,022 You know what happened to me that changed my life? I did a gig in India. Right? You know what happened to me that changed my life? I did a gig in India. Right?
201 00:09:24,105 00:09:27,650 Unbelievably great people, but some of the stuff I saw, I'll never forget. Unbelievably great people, but some of the stuff I saw, I'll never forget.
202 00:09:27,734 00:09:29,235 Literally, I did a gig in India, Literally, I did a gig in India,
203 00:09:29,319 00:09:32,614 I saw a toddler take a shit between two parked cars, I saw a toddler take a shit between two parked cars,
204 00:09:32,697 00:09:35,575 walked away, no pants or parents, walked away, no pants or parents,
205 00:09:35,658 00:09:37,660 and then disappeared into the crowd and then disappeared into the crowd
206 00:09:37,744 00:09:38,995 like Hannibal Lecter like Hannibal Lecter
207 00:09:39,079 00:09:41,081 at the end of Silence Of The Lambs. at the end of Silence Of The Lambs.
208 00:09:42,457 00:09:46,377 It's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen in my life. It's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen in my life.
209 00:09:46,920 00:09:48,838 And then I come back to my country and it's like, And then I come back to my country and it's like,
210 00:09:48,922 00:09:53,176 "The studio said I have to lose 15 pounds to star in a movie." "The studio said I have to lose 15 pounds to star in a movie."
211 00:09:53,259 00:09:55,512 Well, then start running, you fat fuck! Well, then start running, you fat fuck!
212 00:09:56,137 00:09:57,889 That's your big complaint in life? That's your big complaint in life?
213 00:10:01,101 00:10:03,311 You know what it is about these fatties? You know what it is about these fatties?
214 00:10:03,394 00:10:04,813 Do you know what it really is? Do you know what it really is?
215 00:10:05,396 00:10:07,232 They have no respect They have no respect
216 00:10:07,315 00:10:10,527 for the amount of sacrifice and dedication it takes for the amount of sacrifice and dedication it takes
217 00:10:10,610 00:10:13,988 to truly get in, like, magazine-level shape, which is the... to truly get in, like, magazine-level shape, which is the...
218 00:10:14,072 00:10:15,323 You ever try to get abs? You ever try to get abs?
219 00:10:15,406 00:10:18,618 You ever tried to get all the abs down here? You ever tried to do it? You ever tried to get all the abs down here? You ever tried to do it?
220 00:10:18,701 00:10:20,161 It's fucking impossible! It's fucking impossible!
221 00:10:21,162 00:10:22,288 Past the age of 19, Past the age of 19,
222 00:10:22,372 00:10:24,916 you can't do it without tons of help. you can't do it without tons of help.
223 00:10:24,999 00:10:28,211 You've got to buy all these exercise tapes, you've got to read about nutrition, You've got to buy all these exercise tapes, you've got to read about nutrition,
224 00:10:28,294 00:10:31,172 you've got to get a personal trainer having you fucking running along. you've got to get a personal trainer having you fucking running along.
225 00:10:31,840 00:10:33,341 You need your own chef. You need your own chef.
226 00:10:33,424 00:10:36,719 "Okay, don't eat it yet. All right, now eat it. Start consuming it. "Okay, don't eat it yet. All right, now eat it. Start consuming it.
227 00:10:36,803 00:10:40,181 All right, stop. Slow down. Stop. Stop. Spit it out! Spit it out! All right, stop. Slow down. Stop. Stop. Spit it out! Spit it out!
228 00:10:41,182 00:10:42,350 I told you to stop! I told you to stop!
229 00:10:42,433 00:10:45,228 Get on the elliptical! You liked that Brussels sprout?! Get on the elliptical! You liked that Brussels sprout?!
230 00:10:45,311 00:10:47,814 Did you like that?! 'Cause now you're paying for it!" Did you like that?! 'Cause now you're paying for it!"
231 00:10:48,648 00:10:50,608 It's a fucking miserable experience. It's a fucking miserable experience.
232 00:10:51,276 00:10:53,945 Just walking around and your whole body's eating yourself. Just walking around and your whole body's eating yourself.
233 00:10:54,028 00:10:55,155 "Do you want some cake?" "Do you want some cake?"
234 00:10:55,238 00:10:57,824 "No. No, I'll just take a salad. "No. No, I'll just take a salad.
235 00:10:58,741 00:11:00,493 Balsamic vinaigrette on the side. Balsamic vinaigrette on the side.
236 00:11:00,577 00:11:01,744 No croutons. No croutons.
237 00:11:02,453 00:11:04,706 Oh, my God! When is the photo shoot? Oh, my God! When is the photo shoot?
238 00:11:04,789 00:11:06,249 I want to kill myself." I want to kill myself."
239 00:11:07,208 00:11:08,293 It's horrible. It's horrible.
240 00:11:09,627 00:11:11,087 Have you ever tried to get fat? Have you ever tried to get fat?
241 00:11:12,297 00:11:13,715 No. No.
242 00:11:13,798 00:11:15,091 You don't have to. You don't have to.
243 00:11:15,174 00:11:16,301 It's effortless. It's effortless.
244 00:11:16,801 00:11:19,262 You can fucking lay on your back, You can fucking lay on your back,
245 00:11:19,345 00:11:21,347 watching your favorite show, watching your favorite show,
246 00:11:21,431 00:11:23,933 just shoveling shit down your throat. just shoveling shit down your throat.
247 00:11:24,017 00:11:27,270 "What are you doing?" "I'm getting fat. I'm getting fat." "What are you doing?" "I'm getting fat. I'm getting fat."
248 00:11:27,812 00:11:30,607 "You got a trainer?" "Don't need one. It's natural. "You got a trainer?" "Don't need one. It's natural.
249 00:11:32,025 00:11:34,611 I just eat everything that makes my sugar/salt go like, I just eat everything that makes my sugar/salt go like,
250 00:11:34,694 00:11:35,695 'Yeah! 'Yeah!
251 00:11:35,778 00:11:36,654 Whoo! Whoo!
252 00:11:36,738 00:11:37,739 Yeah!' Yeah!'
253 00:11:38,531 00:11:41,409 It comes right in, a nice roll of fucking flab." It comes right in, a nice roll of fucking flab."
254 00:11:42,702 00:11:46,122 No, it's ridiculous. I know nobody wants to be fat, so I'm not shitting on anyone. No, it's ridiculous. I know nobody wants to be fat, so I'm not shitting on anyone.
255 00:11:46,205 00:11:48,583 But don't fucking come at me like it's my problem, But don't fucking come at me like it's my problem,
256 00:11:48,666 00:11:50,418 and I need to fucking rewire myself. and I need to fucking rewire myself.
257 00:11:50,501 00:11:52,378 No. You're overweight, okay? No. You're overweight, okay?
258 00:11:52,462 00:11:54,380 There's plenty of things that can help you out. There's plenty of things that can help you out.
259 00:11:55,006 00:11:58,593 Everybody's got something to deal with. I'm a fucking lunatic with my temper. Everybody's got something to deal with. I'm a fucking lunatic with my temper.
260 00:11:58,676 00:12:01,179 This is something I have to deal with. I do. You know? This is something I have to deal with. I do. You know?
261 00:12:01,262 00:12:03,681 You, you can't fucking stop eating pork chops. You, you can't fucking stop eating pork chops.
262 00:12:03,765 00:12:05,433 That's something you fucking deal with. That's something you fucking deal with.
263 00:12:05,516 00:12:07,560 I don't have to completely rewire myself. I don't have to completely rewire myself.
264 00:12:09,687 00:12:11,689 You know, it's just a bunch of sixes You know, it's just a bunch of sixes
265 00:12:11,773 00:12:14,609 pissed off that they're not getting treated like a ten, you know? pissed off that they're not getting treated like a ten, you know?
266 00:12:14,692 00:12:18,071 At some point, you've just got to acknowledge what you are. At some point, you've just got to acknowledge what you are.
267 00:12:18,154 00:12:20,114 You're a six. I'm sorry, all right? You're a six. I'm sorry, all right?
268 00:12:20,615 00:12:22,992 Nobody jerks off to a six. That's the deal. Nobody jerks off to a six. That's the deal.
269 00:12:24,577 00:12:25,912 Unless you work with her. Unless you work with her.
270 00:12:25,995 00:12:28,331 If you work with her, you know, she's got that one outfit, If you work with her, you know, she's got that one outfit,
271 00:12:28,414 00:12:30,083 you know, it just does something for you. you know, it just does something for you.
272 00:12:31,292 00:12:32,710 You work in close quarters, You work in close quarters,
273 00:12:32,794 00:12:35,088 so you know what her shampoo smells like. so you know what her shampoo smells like.
274 00:12:35,171 00:12:37,465 There's an intimacy. There's an intimacy there. There's an intimacy. There's an intimacy there.
275 00:12:37,548 00:12:38,549 All right? All right?
276 00:12:42,303 00:12:45,264 I don't know what women rub one out to, but I know it ain't me! I don't know what women rub one out to, but I know it ain't me!
277 00:12:45,348 00:12:47,642 All right? This is a fantasy. All right? This is a fantasy.
278 00:12:47,725 00:12:50,436 That's why I don't feel bad about trashing 'em. That's why I don't feel bad about trashing 'em.
279 00:12:50,520 00:12:53,982 It's like, yeah, this is all coming from... I'm a strong five, all right? It's like, yeah, this is all coming from... I'm a strong five, all right?
280 00:12:54,065 00:12:56,943 That's where I am, so I still feel like I'm punching up here. That's where I am, so I still feel like I'm punching up here.
281 00:12:57,026 00:12:58,027 You know? You know?
282 00:12:58,611 00:13:00,905 Honestly, people, I'm a bald red-headed male. Honestly, people, I'm a bald red-headed male.
283 00:13:00,989 00:13:02,907 You don't think there's a glass ceiling You don't think there's a glass ceiling
284 00:13:02,991 00:13:05,201 on the kinds of parts I can get in Hollywood? on the kinds of parts I can get in Hollywood?
285 00:13:05,284 00:13:06,202 Really? Really?
286 00:13:06,703 00:13:09,998 Do you think I'm ever gonna be the lead in a romantic comedy? Do you think I'm ever gonna be the lead in a romantic comedy?
287 00:13:10,873 00:13:13,710 That ain't happening, even if I'm booking the movie. That ain't happening, even if I'm booking the movie.
288 00:13:13,793 00:13:15,253 I want to make the money back. I want to make the money back.
289 00:13:17,130 00:13:18,965 That's the thing, it's show business. That's the thing, it's show business.
290 00:13:19,048 00:13:22,218 There's $1 million on this film, okay? We're trying to make fucking money. There's $1 million on this film, okay? We're trying to make fucking money.
291 00:13:22,301 00:13:25,054 You just want to show up with fucking crumbs on the side of your face? You just want to show up with fucking crumbs on the side of your face?
292 00:13:26,389 00:13:27,432 Show up in shape, Show up in shape,
293 00:13:27,515 00:13:29,642 looking as fuckable as possible, looking as fuckable as possible,
294 00:13:29,726 00:13:30,935 know your lines. know your lines.
295 00:13:31,519 00:13:33,980 Ready to work. It's called being a professional, right? Ready to work. It's called being a professional, right?
296 00:13:37,025 00:13:40,278 Dude, Ben Stiller had abs in Meet The Parents! Dude, Ben Stiller had abs in Meet The Parents!
297 00:13:40,361 00:13:42,196 There was no reason for him to do that. There was no reason for him to do that.
298 00:13:42,280 00:13:44,866 He just knew, "I'm gonna take my fucking shirt off. He just knew, "I'm gonna take my fucking shirt off.
299 00:13:44,949 00:13:46,409 I don't want to get trashed." I don't want to get trashed."
300 00:13:47,285 00:13:48,411 He was shredded. He was shredded.
301 00:13:50,163 00:13:51,539 Yeah, go be a fucking postman. Yeah, go be a fucking postman.
302 00:13:51,622 00:13:53,374 I mean, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, I don't know what to tell you.
303 00:13:55,501 00:13:57,420 No, this is just the ramblings of someone No, this is just the ramblings of someone
304 00:13:57,503 00:14:00,339 who's sliding into the back nine of his life, who's sliding into the back nine of his life,
305 00:14:00,423 00:14:02,467 and I'm not understanding and I'm not understanding
306 00:14:02,550 00:14:04,844 half the shit that's going on, you know? half the shit that's going on, you know?
307 00:14:04,927 00:14:07,346 You know, one of the big things that really made me feel old You know, one of the big things that really made me feel old
308 00:14:07,430 00:14:09,807 was when McDonald's started making salads. was when McDonald's started making salads.
309 00:14:11,184 00:14:14,312 That literally ripped my heart out. I'm like, "They're doing what?" That literally ripped my heart out. I'm like, "They're doing what?"
310 00:14:15,480 00:14:18,399 Now they have wraps and they're doing all of this shit. Now they have wraps and they're doing all of this shit.
311 00:14:18,483 00:14:21,486 You know what it was? Out-of-shape people complained to them. You know what it was? Out-of-shape people complained to them.
312 00:14:21,569 00:14:23,446 "You don't have any healthy options." "You don't have any healthy options."
313 00:14:23,529 00:14:25,656 It's like, "Dude, this is McDonald's! It's like, "Dude, this is McDonald's!
314 00:14:25,740 00:14:27,075 This shit is poison! This shit is poison!
315 00:14:27,867 00:14:29,952 Who the fuck comes here to get in shape?" Who the fuck comes here to get in shape?"
316 00:14:31,954 00:14:34,207 Whenever I get McDonald's, I have a whole plan. Whenever I get McDonald's, I have a whole plan.
317 00:14:34,290 00:14:36,918 At my age, I'm 48 years old, I know what I'm gonna order. At my age, I'm 48 years old, I know what I'm gonna order.
318 00:14:37,001 00:14:39,128 I'm gonna go in there, it's gonna taste great. I'm gonna go in there, it's gonna taste great.
319 00:14:39,212 00:14:41,881 Twenty minutes later, I'm gonna want to kill myself. Twenty minutes later, I'm gonna want to kill myself.
320 00:14:42,423 00:14:44,884 And then I'm gonna go, "I'm going to the gym tomorrow." And then I'm gonna go, "I'm going to the gym tomorrow."
321 00:14:44,967 00:14:48,012 And no matter how much I say that, I woke up the demon in me. And no matter how much I say that, I woke up the demon in me.
322 00:14:48,096 00:14:49,263 I woke up the demon, I woke up the demon,
323 00:14:49,347 00:14:51,974 and all that grease is just coursing through my veins. and all that grease is just coursing through my veins.
324 00:14:52,058 00:14:54,936 And no matter how much I want to go to the gym, this other voice is going, And no matter how much I want to go to the gym, this other voice is going,
325 00:14:55,019 00:14:57,939 "Dude, get an Egg McMuffin. Go down there and get an Egg McMuffin." "Dude, get an Egg McMuffin. Go down there and get an Egg McMuffin."
326 00:14:58,022 00:15:00,274 And I'm gonna sit up like the Manchurian Candidate. And I'm gonna sit up like the Manchurian Candidate.
327 00:15:00,858 00:15:02,527 "We're going to McDonald's." "We're going to McDonald's."
328 00:15:02,610 00:15:04,904 My in-shape voice is in the back, going, My in-shape voice is in the back, going,
329 00:15:04,987 00:15:07,365 "No! What are we doing?! Go to the gym!" "No! What are we doing?! Go to the gym!"
330 00:15:07,448 00:15:08,449 And I'm just... And I'm just...
331 00:15:10,076 00:15:11,452 gonna drive right down. gonna drive right down.
332 00:15:11,994 00:15:13,830 Right? I know what it is. Right? I know what it is.
333 00:15:14,914 00:15:18,376 But somehow out-of-shape people somehow made them-- But somehow out-of-shape people somehow made them--
334 00:15:18,459 00:15:19,919 They're to fucking blame. They're to fucking blame.
335 00:15:20,002 00:15:22,880 They had to have healthy shit 'cause they're why everybody's fat. They had to have healthy shit 'cause they're why everybody's fat.
336 00:15:22,964 00:15:24,215 How come they have to do it? How come they have to do it?
337 00:15:24,298 00:15:27,593 What about Ben & Jerry's? How come they don't have to put kale in their ice cream? What about Ben & Jerry's? How come they don't have to put kale in their ice cream?
338 00:15:27,677 00:15:30,304 Why is that? "Oh, they're a couple of hippies, man. Why is that? "Oh, they're a couple of hippies, man.
339 00:15:30,388 00:15:32,390 They're, like, making ice cream." They're, like, making ice cream."
340 00:15:32,974 00:15:35,601 They're going after big, bad McDonald's. You know, it's just... They're going after big, bad McDonald's. You know, it's just...
341 00:15:36,144 00:15:38,187 Who the fuck goes to McDonald's to get in shape? Who the fuck goes to McDonald's to get in shape?
342 00:15:38,896 00:15:42,358 And don't give me that horseshit that eating healthy is expensive. And don't give me that horseshit that eating healthy is expensive.
343 00:15:42,442 00:15:46,195 It isn't. Go to a fucking supermarket. They're throwing the vegetables at you. It isn't. Go to a fucking supermarket. They're throwing the vegetables at you.
344 00:15:46,279 00:15:48,739 "Here's celery. Get it the fuck out of here! "Here's celery. Get it the fuck out of here!
345 00:15:48,823 00:15:51,784 Seventy cents! Twenty-five cents for a banana! Seventy cents! Twenty-five cents for a banana!
346 00:15:51,868 00:15:55,663 Whatever the fuck you want! Get it out of here... before it goes bad!" Whatever the fuck you want! Get it out of here... before it goes bad!"
347 00:15:57,999 00:16:00,877 No, it's fucked up. They somehow convinced them that... You know? No, it's fucked up. They somehow convinced them that... You know?
348 00:16:02,086 00:16:04,547 "McDonald's is the reason why I'm out of shape." "McDonald's is the reason why I'm out of shape."
349 00:16:05,590 00:16:07,341 "I would have got a salad, "I would have got a salad,
350 00:16:07,425 00:16:09,552 but you didn't have the option, so I was like, but you didn't have the option, so I was like,
351 00:16:09,635 00:16:12,388 "Well, I guess I gotta get 52 Big Macs." "Well, I guess I gotta get 52 Big Macs."
352 00:16:13,681 00:16:15,558 "Thanks a lot, McDonald's!" "Thanks a lot, McDonald's!"
353 00:16:15,641 00:16:17,018 It's like, "Dude, you're an adult. It's like, "Dude, you're an adult.
354 00:16:17,101 00:16:19,812 It's not their job to babysit you. They're a fucking business. It's not their job to babysit you. They're a fucking business.
355 00:16:19,896 00:16:22,190 If you order 50 sandwiches, they're gonna give it to you. If you order 50 sandwiches, they're gonna give it to you.
356 00:16:22,273 00:16:24,025 It's your job to not do it, It's your job to not do it,
357 00:16:24,108 00:16:25,526 you fucking dope." you fucking dope."
358 00:16:25,610 00:16:26,611 Right? Right?
359 00:16:27,361 00:16:28,988 I know. Sorry. I know. Sorry.
360 00:16:30,156 00:16:31,157 I know. I know.
361 00:16:34,285 00:16:35,286 Yeah. Yeah.
362 00:16:36,037 00:16:37,455 Dude, McDonald's... Dude, McDonald's...
363 00:16:37,538 00:16:39,415 McDonald's exists for two reasons, okay? McDonald's exists for two reasons, okay?
364 00:16:39,499 00:16:41,834 It's for drunk people and it's for children. It's for drunk people and it's for children.
365 00:16:41,918 00:16:44,754 All right? That's what this thing is. You know? All right? That's what this thing is. You know?
366 00:16:44,837 00:16:47,298 You're in your car, your kids won't shut the hell up, You're in your car, your kids won't shut the hell up,
367 00:16:47,381 00:16:48,841 you go to the drive-through. you go to the drive-through.
368 00:16:48,925 00:16:52,094 You go to the drive-through, you get a couple of poison burgers, You go to the drive-through, you get a couple of poison burgers,
369 00:16:52,178 00:16:53,763 you throw it down their throats. you throw it down their throats.
370 00:16:53,846 00:16:56,390 Their little systems can't handle it. They start... Their little systems can't handle it. They start...
371 00:16:58,559 00:16:59,977 They start nodding off. They start nodding off.
372 00:17:02,146 00:17:05,191 And you're up front, you're bigger. You can handle a bigger dose of poison. And you're up front, you're bigger. You can handle a bigger dose of poison.
373 00:17:05,274 00:17:06,317 Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean?
374 00:17:06,400 00:17:09,779 Pop in your Def Leppard cassette and you have a little moment for yourself. Pop in your Def Leppard cassette and you have a little moment for yourself.
375 00:17:10,988 00:17:11,989 Yeah. Yeah.
376 00:17:12,073 00:17:13,199 That's what it's for. That's what it's for.
377 00:17:14,534 00:17:16,827 It's for your kids and it's for drunk people. It's for your kids and it's for drunk people.
378 00:17:16,911 00:17:19,038 How many times have you driven out to a bar going, How many times have you driven out to a bar going,
379 00:17:19,121 00:17:20,498 "I'm just gonna have one." "I'm just gonna have one."
380 00:17:20,581 00:17:23,125 All of a sudden, you had, like, 11, right? All of a sudden, you had, like, 11, right?
381 00:17:23,626 00:17:25,503 And you're hammered, and you're thinking... And you're hammered, and you're thinking...
382 00:17:25,586 00:17:28,714 You know, but you're responsible. You're drunk but you're responsible. You know, but you're responsible. You're drunk but you're responsible.
383 00:17:28,798 00:17:31,300 You're like, "Goddamn it, I drove my car here tonight... You're like, "Goddamn it, I drove my car here tonight...
384 00:17:32,468 00:17:34,136 goddamn it, I'm driving it home." goddamn it, I'm driving it home."
385 00:17:34,220 00:17:35,555 All right? All right?
386 00:17:36,138 00:17:39,183 "I'm not gonna burden this place of business "I'm not gonna burden this place of business
387 00:17:39,267 00:17:41,352 by taking up a parking space by taking up a parking space
388 00:17:41,435 00:17:43,771 in this completely empty parking lot in this completely empty parking lot
389 00:17:43,854 00:17:45,523 for the next six hours." for the next six hours."
390 00:17:47,108 00:17:49,902 Now, I am not advocating drinking and driving, Now, I am not advocating drinking and driving,
391 00:17:49,986 00:17:51,988 but I will tell you, there's nothing better but I will tell you, there's nothing better
392 00:17:52,071 00:17:54,824 than when all your friends and family know you're hammered... than when all your friends and family know you're hammered...
393 00:17:54,907 00:17:57,410 There's nothing better than that walk to the car. There's nothing better than that walk to the car.
394 00:17:57,493 00:17:58,494 It's incredible. It's incredible.
395 00:17:58,578 00:18:01,581 Women are screaming, people tearing at your clothes. Women are screaming, people tearing at your clothes.
396 00:18:01,664 00:18:03,374 You feel like you're in the Beatles. You feel like you're in the Beatles.
397 00:18:03,457 00:18:05,334 "Oh, my God! No! Stop him!" "Oh, my God! No! Stop him!"
398 00:18:05,418 00:18:07,295 You're like, "No autographs. You're like, "No autographs.
399 00:18:07,378 00:18:09,088 I'm sorry. I have to go. I'm sorry. I have to go.
400 00:18:09,171 00:18:12,091 I'll be back. Just... get 'em off me!" I'll be back. Just... get 'em off me!"
401 00:18:14,093 00:18:16,262 Then you get in the car Then you get in the car
402 00:18:16,345 00:18:17,555 and everybody's screaming. and everybody's screaming.
403 00:18:17,638 00:18:19,432 "Get in the fucking car! "Get in the fucking car!
404 00:18:19,515 00:18:21,809 You're fine! I had the car eight years. I know... You're fine! I had the car eight years. I know...
405 00:18:21,892 00:18:23,144 I can almost see my house. I can almost see my house.
406 00:18:23,227 00:18:24,687 Just get in the fucking car. Just get in the fucking car.
407 00:18:25,438 00:18:28,107 You're gonna make the cops come! Get in the fucking car. You're gonna make the cops come! Get in the fucking car.
408 00:18:28,190 00:18:29,191 I swear to God, I swear to God,
409 00:18:29,275 00:18:30,776 just get in the fucking car. just get in the fucking car.
410 00:18:32,194 00:18:34,697 Oh, take your seat belt off, you fucking Mary. Oh, take your seat belt off, you fucking Mary.
411 00:18:34,780 00:18:36,532 I'm going right down the street." I'm going right down the street."
412 00:18:36,616 00:18:37,658 Right? Right?
413 00:18:38,618 00:18:40,119 And then what happens? And then what happens?
414 00:18:40,202 00:18:44,040 You get out on the road, you realize you're way more hammered than you thought. You get out on the road, you realize you're way more hammered than you thought.
415 00:18:44,123 00:18:45,625 Who was always there for you? Who was always there for you?
416 00:18:45,708 00:18:47,793 McDonald's with the drive-through. McDonald's with the drive-through.
417 00:18:48,294 00:18:50,254 The 24-hour drive-through. The 24-hour drive-through.
418 00:18:50,338 00:18:51,756 You could just pull in You could just pull in
419 00:18:51,839 00:18:54,592 and hide in plain sight, right? and hide in plain sight, right?
420 00:18:54,675 00:18:56,761 And that little sad traffic jam And that little sad traffic jam
421 00:18:56,844 00:18:59,263 of divorcees, shut-ins, of divorcees, shut-ins,
422 00:18:59,347 00:19:01,349 people who go to Comic-Con, right? people who go to Comic-Con, right?
423 00:19:01,432 00:19:02,516 You just pull in... You just pull in...
424 00:19:03,643 00:19:04,769 and just stop. and just stop.
425 00:19:04,852 00:19:06,270 You can take a little nap. You can take a little nap.
426 00:19:08,814 00:19:11,609 It's like... "Thank you! Thank you! Right." It's like... "Thank you! Thank you! Right."
427 00:19:13,361 00:19:16,030 You'd pull around. That's what it was all about. You'd pull around. That's what it was all about.
428 00:19:16,113 00:19:17,323 And now, all of a sudden, And now, all of a sudden,
429 00:19:17,406 00:19:20,159 they're the reason this country's out of shape, you know? they're the reason this country's out of shape, you know?
430 00:19:20,242 00:19:23,829 They've had McDonald's my whole life. People weren't this fucking fat, right? They've had McDonald's my whole life. People weren't this fucking fat, right?
431 00:19:23,913 00:19:25,748 It's not their fault. You can't pin it on 'em. It's not their fault. You can't pin it on 'em.
432 00:19:25,831 00:19:27,416 But McDonald's fucked up. But McDonald's fucked up.
433 00:19:27,500 00:19:30,670 They fucked up, because they gave in to out-of-shape people, and they said, They fucked up, because they gave in to out-of-shape people, and they said,
434 00:19:30,753 00:19:33,464 "All right, fine, it's our fault. We'll start making salads." "All right, fine, it's our fault. We'll start making salads."
435 00:19:33,547 00:19:34,924 And then they got on their heels. And then they got on their heels.
436 00:19:35,007 00:19:37,093 They got on their heels, everybody sensed it, They got on their heels, everybody sensed it,
437 00:19:37,176 00:19:38,177 and now look at them. and now look at them.
438 00:19:38,260 00:19:41,931 Okay? Four or five years later, now they got to make breakfast all day. Okay? Four or five years later, now they got to make breakfast all day.
439 00:19:42,431 00:19:43,432 Right? Right?
440 00:19:44,058 00:19:46,602 Because you know what happened. All the potheads showed up. Because you know what happened. All the potheads showed up.
441 00:19:46,686 00:19:49,230 "Hey, man, if you're gonna make him a salad, like... "Hey, man, if you're gonna make him a salad, like...
442 00:19:50,022 00:19:52,400 like, what if I want, like, a breakfast thingy like, what if I want, like, a breakfast thingy
443 00:19:52,483 00:19:54,610 and it's not breakfast? Like..." and it's not breakfast? Like..."
444 00:19:55,444 00:19:57,905 "You're gonna hook him up, but you're not gonna hook me up? "You're gonna hook him up, but you're not gonna hook me up?
445 00:19:58,864 00:20:02,576 That's, like, food racism or something, man. I just don't understand." That's, like, food racism or something, man. I just don't understand."
446 00:20:03,077 00:20:05,329 They're like, "Fine! We'll start making breakfasts." They're like, "Fine! We'll start making breakfasts."
447 00:20:05,413 00:20:07,248 They just completely lost their way. They just completely lost their way.
448 00:20:08,416 00:20:11,836 I swear to God, dude, if I was running that corporation, this is what I would do. I swear to God, dude, if I was running that corporation, this is what I would do.
449 00:20:11,919 00:20:13,713 I'd bring that clown back. I'd bring that clown back.
450 00:20:13,796 00:20:15,131 All right? All right?
451 00:20:16,132 00:20:17,675 I'd bring the clown back, okay, I'd bring the clown back, okay,
452 00:20:17,758 00:20:20,928 and I'd just have that thing just look right down the barrel of the camera, and I'd just have that thing just look right down the barrel of the camera,
453 00:20:21,011 00:20:23,597 have a little bit of dry ice in the background. have a little bit of dry ice in the background.
454 00:20:23,681 00:20:25,808 You come right in tight on his face. You come right in tight on his face.
455 00:20:26,934 00:20:29,061 He just looks right in the camera and goes, "Look... He just looks right in the camera and goes, "Look...
456 00:20:30,229 00:20:32,231 if you can't get your fat ass down here... if you can't get your fat ass down here...
457 00:20:33,274 00:20:34,650 by 10:30 in the morning... by 10:30 in the morning...
458 00:20:35,776 00:20:36,944 you're getting a burger." you're getting a burger."
459 00:20:38,320 00:20:39,321 "All right?" "All right?"
460 00:20:43,659 00:20:44,660 "No. No. "No. No.
461 00:20:45,286 00:20:46,704 The clown ain't finished!" The clown ain't finished!"
462 00:20:50,166 00:20:51,709 "I'm not making pancakes "I'm not making pancakes
463 00:20:51,792 00:20:53,377 at three o'clock in the afternoon at three o'clock in the afternoon
464 00:20:53,461 00:20:55,588 because you did blow all night with your friends because you did blow all night with your friends
465 00:20:55,671 00:20:58,299 and you're just getting your shit together, all right? and you're just getting your shit together, all right?
466 00:20:58,382 00:21:00,509 Make no mistake, this is a burger joint. Make no mistake, this is a burger joint.
467 00:21:00,593 00:21:02,261 It's always been a burger joint. It's always been a burger joint.
468 00:21:02,344 00:21:05,931 We did that breakfast thing as a favor. We were just trying to freak out IHOP. We did that breakfast thing as a favor. We were just trying to freak out IHOP.
469 00:21:06,015 00:21:07,600 'Oh, we're doing it, too! 'Oh, we're doing it, too!
470 00:21:07,683 00:21:08,809 We're doing it, too!' We're doing it, too!'
471 00:21:09,810 00:21:13,439 Your own mother won't make you pancakes at three o'clock in the afternoon, okay? Your own mother won't make you pancakes at three o'clock in the afternoon, okay?
472 00:21:14,482 00:21:17,818 So get your fat ass or your drugged-up ass down here before 10:30. So get your fat ass or your drugged-up ass down here before 10:30.
473 00:21:17,902 00:21:19,153 We decide. It's our place. We decide. It's our place.
474 00:21:19,236 00:21:21,530 We tell you what the fuck we're making, all right?" We tell you what the fuck we're making, all right?"
475 00:21:21,614 00:21:23,282 That's it. That's it.
476 00:21:23,365 00:21:25,785 Take him out, then he pushes a kid on a swing. Take him out, then he pushes a kid on a swing.
477 00:21:26,368 00:21:27,495 Something nice. Something nice.
478 00:21:29,205 00:21:30,331 So... So...
479 00:21:30,414 00:21:32,541 Anyways, by the time this special comes out, Anyways, by the time this special comes out,
480 00:21:32,625 00:21:34,794 another election will have come and gone, another election will have come and gone,
481 00:21:34,877 00:21:35,878 and it's just... and it's just...
482 00:21:37,046 00:21:38,047 God knows who we picked. God knows who we picked.
483 00:21:38,130 00:21:40,841 It's another one, they're not gonna fucking talk about anything. It's another one, they're not gonna fucking talk about anything.
484 00:21:40,925 00:21:44,053 The oceans are dying. They just said the Great Barrier Reef is dead. The oceans are dying. They just said the Great Barrier Reef is dead.
485 00:21:44,678 00:21:46,889 You know? Genetically altered food. You know? Genetically altered food.
486 00:21:46,972 00:21:48,390 There's too many fucking people. There's too many fucking people.
487 00:21:48,474 00:21:51,560 I don't even know... They're just talking about a bunch of shit. You know? I don't even know... They're just talking about a bunch of shit. You know?
488 00:21:52,394 00:21:54,104 Bruce has to drop a deuce. Bruce has to drop a deuce.
489 00:21:54,188 00:21:55,648 Where is he gonna go? Where is he gonna go?
490 00:21:55,731 00:21:58,651 Which bathroom should this guy use? I don't give a shit. Which bathroom should this guy use? I don't give a shit.
491 00:21:58,734 00:22:00,069 This guy has enough money This guy has enough money
492 00:22:00,152 00:22:03,614 to literally have a porta-potty rickshaw running behind him. to literally have a porta-potty rickshaw running behind him.
493 00:22:07,326 00:22:09,036 How are you going to eliminate... How are you going to eliminate...
494 00:22:11,705 00:22:13,749 a couple billion fucking people? a couple billion fucking people?
495 00:22:16,460 00:22:18,045 Do you ever think about that shit? Do you ever think about that shit?
496 00:22:19,463 00:22:23,259 You know, they never talk to us about it. You know they do behind closed doors. You know, they never talk to us about it. You know they do behind closed doors.
497 00:22:25,344 00:22:28,222 A bunch of creepy dudes all sitting around some giant table. A bunch of creepy dudes all sitting around some giant table.
498 00:22:28,847 00:22:30,975 Right? They probably talk about it then. Right? They probably talk about it then.
499 00:22:31,058 00:22:32,434 Just sitting down after, like... Just sitting down after, like...
500 00:22:33,018 00:22:34,812 "I trust everyone had their fun?" "I trust everyone had their fun?"
501 00:22:39,316 00:22:41,360 "Let's get down to the task at hand. "Let's get down to the task at hand.
502 00:22:43,862 00:22:47,116 There are over 7.5 billion people on the planet. There are over 7.5 billion people on the planet.
503 00:22:48,450 00:22:50,160 We're running out of fresh water. We're running out of fresh water.
504 00:22:51,912 00:22:53,581 There won't be enough chicken... There won't be enough chicken...
505 00:22:54,373 00:22:55,541 to feed the others. to feed the others.
506 00:22:57,418 00:23:00,170 Does anyone here have any suggestions... Does anyone here have any suggestions...
507 00:23:01,463 00:23:03,132 on how to eliminate the pressures on how to eliminate the pressures
508 00:23:03,215 00:23:05,509 of the undesirables?" of the undesirables?"
509 00:23:07,886 00:23:09,054 "Ah, yes, you. "Ah, yes, you.
510 00:23:09,930 00:23:10,931 Number four. Number four.
511 00:23:12,308 00:23:13,892 You may speak." You may speak."
512 00:23:15,853 00:23:17,313 "Well, you know, what uh... "Well, you know, what uh...
513 00:23:18,063 00:23:20,399 What if we, like, slowly cooked 'em at the airport? What if we, like, slowly cooked 'em at the airport?
514 00:23:21,066 00:23:22,067 You know? You know?
515 00:23:23,986 00:23:25,154 Just throwing it out there. Just throwing it out there.
516 00:23:25,237 00:23:28,115 What if you had a revolving-door-looking thing, What if you had a revolving-door-looking thing,
517 00:23:28,198 00:23:31,744 you made 'em take their shoes off, they got in and they stood up like that? you made 'em take their shoes off, they got in and they stood up like that?
518 00:23:32,536 00:23:34,913 And you just radiate 'em from head to toe... And you just radiate 'em from head to toe...
519 00:23:35,831 00:23:38,083 once on the way out, once on the way back." once on the way out, once on the way back."
520 00:23:38,167 00:23:39,668 "Oh, yes. Yes! "Oh, yes. Yes!
521 00:23:39,752 00:23:42,713 I like that. I like the sound of that. And how would that work? I like that. I like the sound of that. And how would that work?
522 00:23:42,796 00:23:45,966 Would you have it on low at first, sear them like a tuna steak? Would you have it on low at first, sear them like a tuna steak?
523 00:23:46,467 00:23:48,510 They don't understand. You let the children go. They don't understand. You let the children go.
524 00:23:48,594 00:23:50,971 We'll use them for slaves later, right? We'll use them for slaves later, right?
525 00:23:51,055 00:23:52,723 No old people. They'll die soon. No old people. They'll die soon.
526 00:23:52,806 00:23:54,600 Just people in the prime of their life. Just people in the prime of their life.
527 00:23:54,683 00:23:57,186 And gradually, over the years, you increase it And gradually, over the years, you increase it
528 00:23:57,269 00:23:59,021 and they start frothing at the mouth. and they start frothing at the mouth.
529 00:23:59,104 00:24:02,483 They don't recognize their children. The property comes back to us!" They don't recognize their children. The property comes back to us!"
530 00:24:05,235 00:24:06,236 "Oh. "Oh.
531 00:24:06,862 00:24:09,657 I trust everyone at this table flies private?" I trust everyone at this table flies private?"
532 00:24:16,205 00:24:18,999 Dude, my wife thinks I'm out of my mind because I think shit like that. Dude, my wife thinks I'm out of my mind because I think shit like that.
533 00:24:21,251 00:24:22,461 But I think I'm right. But I think I'm right.
534 00:24:24,004 00:24:25,631 Dude, I know they think about it. Dude, I know they think about it.
535 00:24:26,215 00:24:28,509 I know they think about it, because I think about it. I know they think about it, because I think about it.
536 00:24:28,592 00:24:31,178 Every time I land in a city and it's two o'clock in the afternoon, Every time I land in a city and it's two o'clock in the afternoon,
537 00:24:31,261 00:24:35,057 I'm just driving down the street and I'm in the middle of a fucking traffic jam, I'm just driving down the street and I'm in the middle of a fucking traffic jam,
538 00:24:35,140 00:24:37,810 that inner Mussolini comes out of me, right? that inner Mussolini comes out of me, right?
539 00:24:37,893 00:24:40,312 Like, "What are all these people doing in my road?! Like, "What are all these people doing in my road?!
540 00:24:41,522 00:24:43,315 They must be eliminated!" They must be eliminated!"
541 00:24:46,026 00:24:48,278 I don't know. Like, how do you not fucking bring it up? I don't know. Like, how do you not fucking bring it up?
542 00:24:48,362 00:24:50,823 It's 'cause it would freak everybody out, you know, It's 'cause it would freak everybody out, you know,
543 00:24:50,906 00:24:54,076 that you have to start maybe taking some measures... that you have to start maybe taking some measures...
544 00:24:55,744 00:24:57,162 ...to start thinning out the herd. ...to start thinning out the herd.
545 00:24:57,246 00:24:58,580 Do you feel that? Do you feel that?
546 00:24:58,664 00:25:00,374 That's right. That's right, yeah. That's right. That's right, yeah.
547 00:25:00,457 00:25:02,668 And what do you think, dude? You think you're gonna... And what do you think, dude? You think you're gonna...
548 00:25:03,627 00:25:05,421 You think you're in the fucking upper tier? You think you're in the fucking upper tier?
549 00:25:05,504 00:25:08,424 You're in the... You're in the luxury boxes, yeah? You're in the... You're in the luxury boxes, yeah?
550 00:25:08,507 00:25:10,259 You spend a lot of time with yourself. You spend a lot of time with yourself.
551 00:25:10,342 00:25:11,844 You're doing a lot of nodding. You're doing a lot of nodding.
552 00:25:11,927 00:25:13,345 "I like what I think. "I like what I think.
553 00:25:13,429 00:25:15,055 I like what I think a lot. I like what I think a lot.
554 00:25:15,639 00:25:17,391 What I think is the way it should be." What I think is the way it should be."
555 00:25:17,474 00:25:18,934 I understand what that's like. I understand what that's like.
556 00:25:19,643 00:25:21,520 I live this fucking isolated life, man. I live this fucking isolated life, man.
557 00:25:21,603 00:25:23,313 I go on the road, I'm in green rooms, I go on the road, I'm in green rooms,
558 00:25:23,397 00:25:25,107 and I just fucking, you know... and I just fucking, you know...
559 00:25:25,190 00:25:28,110 I'm just by myself all the time. You slowly go fucking crazy. I'm just by myself all the time. You slowly go fucking crazy.
560 00:25:28,610 00:25:31,613 I did a gig recently. I was in Ireland and I was in the green room by myself. I did a gig recently. I was in Ireland and I was in the green room by myself.
561 00:25:31,697 00:25:34,158 I went to turn on the light. It was one of those pull switches. I went to turn on the light. It was one of those pull switches.
562 00:25:34,241 00:25:36,827 It wound up around itself, looked like a little noose. It wound up around itself, looked like a little noose.
563 00:25:36,910 00:25:39,788 I immediately thought, "What if I stuck my head in there and just..." I immediately thought, "What if I stuck my head in there and just..."
564 00:25:42,291 00:25:45,294 "...and just turn the lights out?" literally and figuratively. "...and just turn the lights out?" literally and figuratively.
565 00:25:46,378 00:25:48,338 I was not thinking about killing myself at all. I was not thinking about killing myself at all.
566 00:25:48,422 00:25:51,175 The second I thought, "What if I just fucking did that?" The second I thought, "What if I just fucking did that?"
567 00:25:51,884 00:25:55,262 And then I looked in the mirror, I caught my eye and we both laughed. And then I looked in the mirror, I caught my eye and we both laughed.
568 00:25:56,430 00:25:59,683 Yeah. I had this wonderful little moment with myself. Yeah. I had this wonderful little moment with myself.
569 00:25:59,767 00:26:01,727 No words needed to be spoken. No words needed to be spoken.
570 00:26:01,810 00:26:02,811 You know? You know?
571 00:26:04,813 00:26:08,150 Yeah. So I think about the population all the time, as you can tell. Yeah. So I think about the population all the time, as you can tell.
572 00:26:08,233 00:26:10,152 On my specials, I'm always talking about it. On my specials, I'm always talking about it.
573 00:26:10,235 00:26:12,905 I think I got the plan, 'cause I know-- I think I got the plan, 'cause I know--
574 00:26:12,988 00:26:16,575 No. Wait until you hear the plan first, 'cause a lot of people are gonna die. No. Wait until you hear the plan first, 'cause a lot of people are gonna die.
575 00:26:18,786 00:26:20,496 Before you start hootin' and hollerin'. Before you start hootin' and hollerin'.
576 00:26:21,830 00:26:24,333 Everybody thinks they're gonna fucking make it, right? Everybody thinks they're gonna fucking make it, right?
577 00:26:25,459 00:26:27,586 This is how you do it. Well, this is how I would do it. This is how you do it. Well, this is how I would do it.
578 00:26:27,669 00:26:30,005 First of all, you've got to become a dictator, okay? First of all, you've got to become a dictator, okay?
579 00:26:30,088 00:26:33,133 Because it's too late to be like, "Hey, man, maybe just have a couple..." Because it's too late to be like, "Hey, man, maybe just have a couple..."
580 00:26:33,217 00:26:34,218 It's too fucking late. It's too fucking late.
581 00:26:34,301 00:26:37,262 Someone's got to have the balls to take out the sickle... Someone's got to have the balls to take out the sickle...
582 00:26:38,889 00:26:40,432 ...and start chopping some heads. ...and start chopping some heads.
583 00:26:40,933 00:26:42,810 So, here's my idea. So, here's my idea.
584 00:26:43,310 00:26:47,689 I become dictator. Obviously you've got to murder everybody in power, right? I become dictator. Obviously you've got to murder everybody in power, right?
585 00:26:47,773 00:26:50,275 From the head all the way down to their goldfish, From the head all the way down to their goldfish,
586 00:26:50,359 00:26:54,154 you've got to kill everyone in the family so they don't come back for their revenge, you've got to kill everyone in the family so they don't come back for their revenge,
587 00:26:54,238 00:26:57,825 like in Godfather II or every karate movie you've ever seen, right? like in Godfather II or every karate movie you've ever seen, right?
588 00:26:57,908 00:26:59,701 You've got to do it the way the Russians did, You've got to do it the way the Russians did,
589 00:26:59,785 00:27:02,287 where you don't find the skulls for 100 fucking years. where you don't find the skulls for 100 fucking years.
590 00:27:02,371 00:27:05,165 That's the way you do it. Then you take control of the media. That's the way you do it. Then you take control of the media.
591 00:27:05,249 00:27:07,125 I keep all of you guys media blacked out. I keep all of you guys media blacked out.
592 00:27:07,209 00:27:09,962 You don't know what's going on unless I want you to know it, right? You don't know what's going on unless I want you to know it, right?
593 00:27:10,045 00:27:12,714 Big pictures of me. You've got to sing songs about me. Big pictures of me. You've got to sing songs about me.
594 00:27:12,798 00:27:15,425 If there's no passion in it, a black van pulls up If there's no passion in it, a black van pulls up
595 00:27:15,509 00:27:17,094 and you're never seen from again. and you're never seen from again.
596 00:27:17,177 00:27:18,178 All right? All right?
597 00:27:18,262 00:27:21,682 I figure three to six months of that, everybody gets on the same page, I figure three to six months of that, everybody gets on the same page,
598 00:27:21,765 00:27:24,101 and that's when I'd start thinning it out. and that's when I'd start thinning it out.
599 00:27:25,102 00:27:28,647 This is how I would do it. I would just start randomly sinking cruise ships. This is how I would do it. I would just start randomly sinking cruise ships.
600 00:27:31,942 00:27:33,777 Just hear me out. It's the way to go. Just hear me out. It's the way to go.
601 00:27:34,319 00:27:35,404 It's the way to go. It's the way to go.
602 00:27:37,197 00:27:40,534 You get 2,500 to 3,000 people a whack. You get 2,500 to 3,000 people a whack.
603 00:27:41,285 00:27:44,288 And I think it's a really good mix of people to get rid of. And I think it's a really good mix of people to get rid of.
604 00:27:45,747 00:27:46,999 You know? You know?
605 00:27:47,082 00:27:49,042 Think about the kinds of people Think about the kinds of people
606 00:27:49,126 00:27:50,460 that take a cruise. that take a cruise.
607 00:27:51,587 00:27:53,672 These aren't forward thinkers. These aren't forward thinkers.
608 00:27:53,755 00:27:55,048 These aren't seekers. These aren't seekers.
609 00:27:55,132 00:27:58,135 They're not pivotal to our survival. They're not pivotal to our survival.
610 00:28:00,262 00:28:02,347 You ever hear somebody coming back from a cruise? You ever hear somebody coming back from a cruise?
611 00:28:02,431 00:28:04,725 It's one of the worst stories you're ever gonna hear. It's one of the worst stories you're ever gonna hear.
612 00:28:05,559 00:28:06,852 Because they don't do shit. Because they don't do shit.
613 00:28:06,935 00:28:10,397 They don't want to travel to another country, interact with a new culture, They don't want to travel to another country, interact with a new culture,
614 00:28:10,480 00:28:12,482 try to figure out the train system or the money. try to figure out the train system or the money.
615 00:28:12,566 00:28:16,028 All they want to do is just sit on a fucking boat. All they want to do is just sit on a fucking boat.
616 00:28:16,820 00:28:19,072 Just drinking. That's all they want to do. Just drinking. That's all they want to do.
617 00:28:19,156 00:28:20,991 Right? Worst story you'll ever hear. Right? Worst story you'll ever hear.
618 00:28:21,074 00:28:22,284 "Hey. How was your cruise?" "Hey. How was your cruise?"
619 00:28:22,367 00:28:23,744 "Oh, it was great. "Oh, it was great.
620 00:28:23,827 00:28:26,163 I was fucking laying there. I was fucking laying there.
621 00:28:26,246 00:28:28,206 There was a DJ over here There was a DJ over here
622 00:28:28,290 00:28:31,001 on the one-and-the-two wooka-wooka thing. on the one-and-the-two wooka-wooka thing.
623 00:28:31,084 00:28:31,919 Right? Right?
624 00:28:32,002 00:28:34,546 And then they had this chocolate fountain. And then they had this chocolate fountain.
625 00:28:34,630 00:28:36,423 It was like a fountain, It was like a fountain,
626 00:28:36,506 00:28:37,799 but it was chocolate! but it was chocolate!
627 00:28:38,300 00:28:40,719 And you stuck the toothpick in the food, And you stuck the toothpick in the food,
628 00:28:40,802 00:28:42,638 and you stuck it in the chocolate, and you stuck it in the chocolate,
629 00:28:42,721 00:28:45,224 and you stuck it in your mouth." and you stuck it in your mouth."
630 00:28:45,849 00:28:47,684 Then, 'I want another drink!' Then, 'I want another drink!'
631 00:28:47,768 00:28:49,478 Then they bring it, you drink it, Then they bring it, you drink it,
632 00:28:49,561 00:28:50,562 it dribbles down it dribbles down
633 00:28:50,646 00:28:52,314 and it gathers in your navel. and it gathers in your navel.
634 00:28:52,397 00:28:53,649 You punch yourself... You punch yourself...
635 00:28:54,483 00:28:55,734 to get it in your mouth." to get it in your mouth."
636 00:28:56,860 00:28:59,529 Then, every day around noon, we line up for lunch. Then, every day around noon, we line up for lunch.
637 00:28:59,613 00:29:01,156 What's for lunch? We don't know. What's for lunch? We don't know.
638 00:29:01,240 00:29:02,741 We don't make decisions. We don't make decisions.
639 00:29:02,824 00:29:04,368 Whatever they give us. Whatever they give us.
640 00:29:04,451 00:29:07,329 I like all-inclusive, you just have to think once. I like all-inclusive, you just have to think once.
641 00:29:07,412 00:29:09,957 Can I write that number on this piece of paper? Can I write that number on this piece of paper?
642 00:29:10,040 00:29:12,125 All right, tell me where to go." All right, tell me where to go."
643 00:29:14,086 00:29:16,964 I'm telling you, if you guys could just get past the humanity I'm telling you, if you guys could just get past the humanity
644 00:29:17,047 00:29:18,382 of what I am suggesting... of what I am suggesting...
645 00:29:20,175 00:29:21,760 If you could just get past it If you could just get past it
646 00:29:21,843 00:29:24,346 and maybe lose a couple of friends here or there... and maybe lose a couple of friends here or there...
647 00:29:25,597 00:29:27,516 I am telling you, you wouldn't miss them. I am telling you, you wouldn't miss them.
648 00:29:28,809 00:29:30,435 You know when you'd miss 'em? You know when you'd miss 'em?
649 00:29:30,519 00:29:32,062 When you went to a baseball game When you went to a baseball game
650 00:29:32,145 00:29:35,941 and there wasn't those 100 people in the upper deck trying to get the wave going. and there wasn't those 100 people in the upper deck trying to get the wave going.
651 00:29:36,024 00:29:37,442 Right? Right?
652 00:29:39,319 00:29:42,531 You wouldn't have people getting mad 'cause someone's sitting during a song, You wouldn't have people getting mad 'cause someone's sitting during a song,
653 00:29:42,614 00:29:44,241 like, "That's offensive to me, like, "That's offensive to me,
654 00:29:44,324 00:29:46,410 even though I don't know the issue!" even though I don't know the issue!"
655 00:29:46,493 00:29:47,661 Right? Right?
656 00:29:47,744 00:29:49,830 Nashville, a little pull back on that one. Nashville, a little pull back on that one.
657 00:29:49,913 00:29:50,914 A little pull back. A little pull back.
658 00:29:54,167 00:29:55,585 It's about police brutality. It's about police brutality.
659 00:29:55,669 00:29:59,131 It has nothing to do with you and your beautiful white world, and mine, right? It has nothing to do with you and your beautiful white world, and mine, right?
660 00:29:59,756 00:30:03,593 Just let it go. I don't give a fuck if you watched every episode of McHale's Navy. Just let it go. I don't give a fuck if you watched every episode of McHale's Navy.
661 00:30:03,677 00:30:05,053 This is still not about you. This is still not about you.
662 00:30:05,137 00:30:06,596 It's not a military issue. It's not a military issue.
663 00:30:10,600 00:30:13,979 I'm telling you, you wouldn't fucking miss 'em. And this is the deal, all right? I'm telling you, you wouldn't fucking miss 'em. And this is the deal, all right?
664 00:30:14,062 00:30:16,773 I wouldn't just give the order to start sinking these cruise ships I wouldn't just give the order to start sinking these cruise ships
665 00:30:16,857 00:30:19,901 and then retire to my chambers with my mistresses and my whores. and then retire to my chambers with my mistresses and my whores.
666 00:30:19,985 00:30:21,236 Right? Right?
667 00:30:21,320 00:30:24,031 Just banging away, wearing the whole uniform. Just banging away, wearing the whole uniform.
668 00:30:24,114 00:30:25,490 The whole dictator uniform. The whole dictator uniform.
669 00:30:25,574 00:30:27,659 Everything except for the pants. Right? Everything except for the pants. Right?
670 00:30:28,618 00:30:30,495 Compression socks with sock garters, Compression socks with sock garters,
671 00:30:30,579 00:30:31,747 just banging away. just banging away.
672 00:30:32,706 00:30:35,834 My honorary medals just clanging off my chest. My honorary medals just clanging off my chest.
673 00:30:36,543 00:30:39,254 The big thing is to see how long I could fuck and keep the hat on. The big thing is to see how long I could fuck and keep the hat on.
674 00:30:39,338 00:30:41,757 Like, "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" Like, "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"
675 00:30:42,799 00:30:45,969 No, you can't do that. That brings resentment amongst your men. No, you can't do that. That brings resentment amongst your men.
676 00:30:46,053 00:30:48,221 You've got to lead them into battle, and I would. You've got to lead them into battle, and I would.
677 00:30:48,764 00:30:51,308 I would. I'd have my own sub. All right? I would. I'd have my own sub. All right?
678 00:30:51,391 00:30:52,517 I'd have my own sub I'd have my own sub
679 00:30:52,601 00:30:55,270 and I would hunt these cruise ships on a moonlit summer night. and I would hunt these cruise ships on a moonlit summer night.
680 00:30:56,730 00:31:00,192 That's right. On a moonlit summer night, when sound carries. That's right. On a moonlit summer night, when sound carries.
681 00:31:00,275 00:31:03,653 You know, those summer nights when your neighbor's talking about you. You know, those summer nights when your neighbor's talking about you.
682 00:31:03,737 00:31:07,157 He doesn't think you can hear him. You're on your porch. "Is that how it is?" He doesn't think you can hear him. You're on your porch. "Is that how it is?"
683 00:31:08,492 00:31:09,701 "So that's how it is, right?" "So that's how it is, right?"
684 00:31:10,243 00:31:11,244 One of those nights. One of those nights.
685 00:31:13,705 00:31:16,625 And I'd be a sport about it. I'd surface before I did it. And I'd be a sport about it. I'd surface before I did it.
686 00:31:16,708 00:31:19,127 I'm armed, they're not. It's only fair, right? I'm armed, they're not. It's only fair, right?
687 00:31:19,628 00:31:21,922 If they see me, I give them a little wink, a little nod. If they see me, I give them a little wink, a little nod.
688 00:31:22,005 00:31:24,883 I'd have a little Red Baron class. "All right, get the fuck out of here." I'd have a little Red Baron class. "All right, get the fuck out of here."
689 00:31:24,966 00:31:27,636 Right? But if you didn't see me, it would be game on. Right? But if you didn't see me, it would be game on.
690 00:31:27,719 00:31:29,096 And every moonlit summer night, And every moonlit summer night,
691 00:31:29,179 00:31:30,972 every summer I would go out to harvest. every summer I would go out to harvest.
692 00:31:31,056 00:31:32,933 That would be the deal. I would just surface. That would be the deal. I would just surface.
693 00:31:42,025 00:31:44,611 "And listen for the music, yeah?" "And listen for the music, yeah?"
694 00:32:01,169 00:32:02,254 "Fire one." "Fire one."
695 00:32:13,932 00:32:15,517 "Dude, look at my arms in this tank top." "Dude, look at my arms in this tank top."
696 00:32:26,111 00:32:27,446 And then you cruise over, And then you cruise over,
697 00:32:27,529 00:32:29,114 you strafe all the survivors. you strafe all the survivors.
698 00:32:40,584 00:32:41,918 "Bring it around!" "Bring it around!"
699 00:32:56,766 00:32:57,767 That would be it. That would be it.
700 00:32:57,851 00:33:02,272 Twenty-five hundred to 3,000 less people. And you know what's the greatest thing? Twenty-five hundred to 3,000 less people. And you know what's the greatest thing?
701 00:33:02,355 00:33:03,607 It's all underwater. It's all underwater.
702 00:33:03,690 00:33:06,485 All the evidence is gone. All the evidence is gone. All the evidence is gone. All the evidence is gone.
703 00:33:06,568 00:33:09,738 Every mass murderer throughout time has fucked up. Every mass murderer throughout time has fucked up.
704 00:33:09,821 00:33:11,072 They did it on land. They did it on land.
705 00:33:11,656 00:33:13,200 You're gonna get caught. You're gonna get caught.
706 00:33:13,283 00:33:15,118 Where are you gonna put all of that, right? Where are you gonna put all of that, right?
707 00:33:15,660 00:33:16,870 You do it out to sea. You do it out to sea.
708 00:33:16,953 00:33:18,955 It all goes under, you know? It all goes under, you know?
709 00:33:19,039 00:33:20,999 Nobody knows. "I don't know what happened. Nobody knows. "I don't know what happened.
710 00:33:21,082 00:33:22,292 I have no idea." I have no idea."
711 00:33:22,792 00:33:24,169 No evidence. No evidence.
712 00:33:24,252 00:33:27,422 No evidence. Maybe... Maybe, like, a flip-flop, right? No evidence. Maybe... Maybe, like, a flip-flop, right?
713 00:33:29,966 00:33:31,676 Like an Ed Hardy shirt just... Like an Ed Hardy shirt just...
714 00:33:32,260 00:33:33,386 floating by. floating by.
715 00:33:34,888 00:33:37,766 I'm controlling the media and nobody knows about it, right? I'm controlling the media and nobody knows about it, right?
716 00:33:37,849 00:33:38,975 And as I sank the ships, And as I sank the ships,
717 00:33:39,059 00:33:42,437 I would be building exact replicas at the same time, right? I would be building exact replicas at the same time, right?
718 00:33:42,521 00:33:45,815 So I'd be eliminating people while creating jobs. So I'd be eliminating people while creating jobs.
719 00:33:45,899 00:33:48,193 You guys have no fucking idea what's going on. You guys have no fucking idea what's going on.
720 00:33:48,276 00:33:51,446 All of you just realize, like, "Wow, man, the traffic's easing up. All of you just realize, like, "Wow, man, the traffic's easing up.
721 00:33:51,530 00:33:54,783 I'm getting into third gear at five o'clock at night. This is crazy! I'm getting into third gear at five o'clock at night. This is crazy!
722 00:33:55,450 00:33:58,328 I don't know what's going on, but this Bill guy's all right. I don't know what's going on, but this Bill guy's all right.
723 00:33:58,411 00:34:02,207 Another buddy of mine got a job building ships. Can you fucking believe that? Another buddy of mine got a job building ships. Can you fucking believe that?
724 00:34:02,290 00:34:04,167 That industry, it's just blowing up. That industry, it's just blowing up.
725 00:34:04,251 00:34:05,710 It's crazy. It's crazy.
726 00:34:05,794 00:34:07,963 Dude, I want to get a job down there. They pay great. Dude, I want to get a job down there. They pay great.
727 00:34:08,046 00:34:11,299 You know, make a little extra money. Who knows? Maybe you and me take a cruise. You know, make a little extra money. Who knows? Maybe you and me take a cruise.
728 00:34:11,383 00:34:13,260 We'd have a good time, right? Get out there." We'd have a good time, right? Get out there."
729 00:34:14,594 00:34:15,887 That's how it would work. That's how it would work.
730 00:34:16,388 00:34:19,140 That's how my ethnic cleansing would work. That's how my ethnic cleansing would work.
731 00:34:21,810 00:34:25,105 It wouldn't be based on race or religion. It wouldn't be based on race or religion.
732 00:34:25,188 00:34:27,274 It would just be based on people dumb enough It would just be based on people dumb enough
733 00:34:27,357 00:34:30,360 to think that taking a cruise is actually travelling. to think that taking a cruise is actually travelling.
734 00:34:31,695 00:34:34,239 Technically, you're travelling, but what are you seeing? Technically, you're travelling, but what are you seeing?
735 00:34:34,823 00:34:36,491 Just a bunch... "Look at the water! Just a bunch... "Look at the water!
736 00:34:36,575 00:34:37,576 Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
737 00:34:37,659 00:34:39,327 You can tell that's the Atlantic Ocean. You can tell that's the Atlantic Ocean.
738 00:34:39,411 00:34:41,746 That definitely does not look like the Pacific Ocean." That definitely does not look like the Pacific Ocean."
739 00:34:44,207 00:34:45,208 So... So...
740 00:34:45,292 00:34:47,836 Yeah, look, admittedly, I'm a fucking psycho. Yeah, look, admittedly, I'm a fucking psycho.
741 00:34:47,919 00:34:49,296 And uh... And uh...
742 00:34:49,379 00:34:51,006 Oh, yeah. Dude, I have dreams... Oh, yeah. Dude, I have dreams...
743 00:34:51,089 00:34:54,217 I had a dream two years ago that still haunts me. You know? I had a dream two years ago that still haunts me. You know?
744 00:34:54,301 00:34:57,387 You ever have one of those dreams where you think you woke up but didn't? You ever have one of those dreams where you think you woke up but didn't?
745 00:34:57,470 00:35:00,807 You're just sitting up and it feels like... I had one of those dreams, right? You're just sitting up and it feels like... I had one of those dreams, right?
746 00:35:00,890 00:35:02,976 So I just sat up in bed, and I looked over, So I just sat up in bed, and I looked over,
747 00:35:03,059 00:35:04,686 and there was a little girl in the corner. and there was a little girl in the corner.
748 00:35:04,769 00:35:07,230 No idea who she was. She was, like, three, four years old. No idea who she was. She was, like, three, four years old.
749 00:35:07,314 00:35:10,609 And she was talking to me, but I couldn't understand what she was saying. And she was talking to me, but I couldn't understand what she was saying.
750 00:35:10,692 00:35:12,319 She was standing in the corner, going... She was standing in the corner, going...
751 00:35:16,031 00:35:17,115 I was like, "What?" I was like, "What?"
752 00:35:18,199 00:35:19,784 "What did you say? I... "What did you say? I...
753 00:35:19,868 00:35:22,329 I can't hear you, sweetheart. You've got to come closer." I can't hear you, sweetheart. You've got to come closer."
754 00:35:22,412 00:35:25,040 She walked halfway to the bed. She was nodding her head, going... She walked halfway to the bed. She was nodding her head, going...
755 00:35:28,376 00:35:30,712 Big, like, The Grudge eyes. I'm just... Big, like, The Grudge eyes. I'm just...
756 00:35:31,630 00:35:33,923 "You've got to come closer." She walks up to the bed. "You've got to come closer." She walks up to the bed.
757 00:35:34,007 00:35:36,801 I was like, "I couldn't hear you, sweetheart. What did you say?" I was like, "I couldn't hear you, sweetheart. What did you say?"
758 00:35:36,885 00:35:38,386 And she just nods and just goes, And she just nods and just goes,
759 00:35:38,470 00:35:40,055 "You're gonna kill yourself." "You're gonna kill yourself."
760 00:35:40,847 00:35:41,848 I just sat up, like... I just sat up, like...
761 00:35:43,767 00:35:45,143 I'm like, "No, I'm not! I'm like, "No, I'm not!
762 00:35:45,727 00:35:47,354 No, I am not!" No, I am not!"
763 00:35:47,437 00:35:48,980 My wife wakes up. "What's the matter?" My wife wakes up. "What's the matter?"
764 00:35:49,064 00:35:52,275 "I just had the most scary dream I've ever had in my life! It was horrible!" "I just had the most scary dream I've ever had in my life! It was horrible!"
765 00:35:52,359 00:35:53,902 She's like, "Was I in it?" She's like, "Was I in it?"
766 00:35:54,569 00:35:56,863 "No, you self-centered jackass! "No, you self-centered jackass!
767 00:35:57,489 00:35:59,074 Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!
768 00:35:59,157 00:36:01,117 Not everything is about you, sweetheart. Not everything is about you, sweetheart.
769 00:36:01,201 00:36:04,496 I love you, but it's not all about you. Now, shut up. I'm gonna..." I love you, but it's not all about you. Now, shut up. I'm gonna..."
770 00:36:04,579 00:36:06,831 I tried to go to sleep in the same position I tried to go to sleep in the same position
771 00:36:06,915 00:36:09,000 so I'd run into that little girl again, so I could, so I'd run into that little girl again, so I could,
772 00:36:09,084 00:36:12,003 "Look, you little shit, you don't go around saying that to people!" "Look, you little shit, you don't go around saying that to people!"
773 00:36:13,922 00:36:15,507 Now, I'm not gonna kill myself. Now, I'm not gonna kill myself.
774 00:36:16,132 00:36:19,386 I don't know what that dream meant, because you dream in metaphors, man. I don't know what that dream meant, because you dream in metaphors, man.
775 00:36:19,469 00:36:20,595 You know? I don't know. You know? I don't know.
776 00:36:21,221 00:36:22,806 It just freaks me out, though, you know? It just freaks me out, though, you know?
777 00:36:23,306 00:36:24,724 It disturbs my wife and shit. It disturbs my wife and shit.
778 00:36:24,808 00:36:27,185 But there is one good thing about being a psycho. But there is one good thing about being a psycho.
779 00:36:27,268 00:36:29,145 You know, a great thing about being a psycho You know, a great thing about being a psycho
780 00:36:29,229 00:36:31,481 is you can spot another psycho is you can spot another psycho
781 00:36:31,564 00:36:32,857 from a mile away. from a mile away.
782 00:36:32,941 00:36:34,859 You know? That's a really great thing. You know? That's a really great thing.
783 00:36:35,652 00:36:37,987 I can spot 'em. You know, it's in the eyes. I can spot 'em. You know, it's in the eyes.
784 00:36:38,071 00:36:39,531 Never look at the costume. Never look at the costume.
785 00:36:40,031 00:36:42,033 Nice people look at the costume. Nice people look at the costume.
786 00:36:42,117 00:36:44,369 They'll see somebody in, like, dad jeans, They'll see somebody in, like, dad jeans,
787 00:36:44,452 00:36:46,371 you know, pushing their kid on the swing, you know, pushing their kid on the swing,
788 00:36:46,454 00:36:47,706 the whole nerdy sweater. the whole nerdy sweater.
789 00:36:47,789 00:36:48,957 "Hey! How are you doing? "Hey! How are you doing?
790 00:36:49,040 00:36:52,877 Can you believe the summer's already over? I mean, this is crazy, right? Can you believe the summer's already over? I mean, this is crazy, right?
791 00:36:52,961 00:36:56,297 Oh, this one here has got me running around, you know? Oh, this one here has got me running around, you know?
792 00:36:56,381 00:36:58,550 She's running the house! She's running the house." She's running the house! She's running the house."
793 00:37:01,052 00:37:04,097 People are always like, "Oh, my God. He's so nice. People are always like, "Oh, my God. He's so nice.
794 00:37:04,180 00:37:05,390 Such a great family man." Such a great family man."
795 00:37:05,473 00:37:09,144 And I'm just sitting, thinking in my head, dude, that guy is a fucking psycho! And I'm just sitting, thinking in my head, dude, that guy is a fucking psycho!
796 00:37:09,227 00:37:10,228 He's a psycho! He's a psycho!
797 00:37:10,770 00:37:12,647 Look at his eyes. You don't see that? Look at his eyes. You don't see that?
798 00:37:12,731 00:37:14,691 That dude is barely hanging on! That dude is barely hanging on!
799 00:37:14,774 00:37:18,194 He is white-knuckling it through all the shit he thinks he's supposed to do. He is white-knuckling it through all the shit he thinks he's supposed to do.
800 00:37:18,278 00:37:20,238 All that fucking guy needs, all he needs, All that fucking guy needs, all he needs,
801 00:37:20,321 00:37:21,906 he just needs a little nudge. he just needs a little nudge.
802 00:37:21,990 00:37:23,867 That's it, just a little nudge. That's it, just a little nudge.
803 00:37:23,950 00:37:26,119 You have no idea what that guy's capable of. You have no idea what that guy's capable of.
804 00:37:26,202 00:37:29,956 I would not want to see the hard drive of that man's computer, I'm telling you. I would not want to see the hard drive of that man's computer, I'm telling you.
805 00:37:32,667 00:37:34,961 Yeah, so I do it all the time. Yeah, so I do it all the time.
806 00:37:35,044 00:37:38,006 I'm pretty good at picking out psychos, and it drives my wife nuts. I'm pretty good at picking out psychos, and it drives my wife nuts.
807 00:37:38,089 00:37:41,050 I remember she was one of the first people that got into Kanye West, right? I remember she was one of the first people that got into Kanye West, right?
808 00:37:41,134 00:37:43,595 The great Kanye West. Everybody loves him and stuff, right? The great Kanye West. Everybody loves him and stuff, right?
809 00:37:43,678 00:37:46,264 Oh, shut up. Jesus Christ. Why did I come to Nashville? Oh, shut up. Jesus Christ. Why did I come to Nashville?
810 00:37:46,347 00:37:47,682 "Boo! It's a black artist! "Boo! It's a black artist!
811 00:37:47,766 00:37:49,392 You're bringing it up in the Ryman. You're bringing it up in the Ryman.
812 00:37:49,476 00:37:50,602 What the fuck? What the fuck?
813 00:37:50,685 00:37:52,270 It's the Grand Ole Opry, man! It's the Grand Ole Opry, man!
814 00:37:53,354 00:37:54,939 It's not MTV Raps!" It's not MTV Raps!"
815 00:37:57,025 00:37:58,109 But I'm stereotyping you. But I'm stereotyping you.
816 00:37:58,193 00:38:00,612 I'm acting like 'cause you're from the South, you're racists, I'm acting like 'cause you're from the South, you're racists,
817 00:38:00,695 00:38:02,781 like all the racists are just down here. like all the racists are just down here.
818 00:38:02,864 00:38:05,867 That isn't true. You know, they're all over the place. That isn't true. You know, they're all over the place.
819 00:38:08,036 00:38:10,163 It's just different degrees. It's just different degrees.
820 00:38:11,039 00:38:12,040 Right? Right?
821 00:38:13,708 00:38:16,336 Like, me, I'm racist, like, at the end of the day. Like, me, I'm racist, like, at the end of the day.
822 00:38:16,419 00:38:18,421 Like, I'm a great fucking guy, Like, I'm a great fucking guy,
823 00:38:18,505 00:38:20,507 I don't give a shit who you are in the morning. I don't give a shit who you are in the morning.
824 00:38:20,590 00:38:23,176 You're eating your cereal. "Hey! How are you? What's going on?" You're eating your cereal. "Hey! How are you? What's going on?"
825 00:38:23,259 00:38:25,678 But as the sun starts to go down But as the sun starts to go down
826 00:38:25,762 00:38:27,639 and the fear starts coming up, and the fear starts coming up,
827 00:38:27,722 00:38:30,183 that's when you start thinking the worst of people, right? that's when you start thinking the worst of people, right?
828 00:38:31,976 00:38:33,436 I know, nobody's gonna be honest. I know, nobody's gonna be honest.
829 00:38:33,520 00:38:35,939 I don't give a fuck who you are. I don't give a fuck who you are.
830 00:38:36,022 00:38:37,106 Twelve, midnight, Twelve, midnight,
831 00:38:37,190 00:38:39,108 in a parking garage by yourself, in a parking garage by yourself,
832 00:38:39,192 00:38:40,693 whatever is walking at you, whatever is walking at you,
833 00:38:40,777 00:38:42,070 there's no happy thoughts. there's no happy thoughts.
834 00:38:43,238 00:38:44,864 You're not thinking, "Oh, that guy, You're not thinking, "Oh, that guy,
835 00:38:44,948 00:38:47,951 he's probably uh... he's probably building a website and..." he's probably uh... he's probably building a website and..."
836 00:38:48,034 00:38:49,327 You're not thinking that. You're not thinking that.
837 00:38:50,370 00:38:52,121 That dude's gonna cut me up, eat me. That dude's gonna cut me up, eat me.
838 00:38:52,205 00:38:55,458 Whatever he doesn't eat, he's gonna fuck. That is what you think, right? Whatever he doesn't eat, he's gonna fuck. That is what you think, right?
839 00:38:56,751 00:38:57,585 All right? All right?
840 00:38:57,669 00:39:00,964 But if you do that at night, that's normal, I think, because it's fear. But if you do that at night, that's normal, I think, because it's fear.
841 00:39:01,047 00:39:04,509 It's the people at breakfast that are already just sitting there, like, It's the people at breakfast that are already just sitting there, like,
842 00:39:04,592 00:39:05,718 "Fucking Jews!" "Fucking Jews!"
843 00:39:05,802 00:39:07,554 You know, that's when you've got an issue. You know, that's when you've got an issue.
844 00:39:09,264 00:39:10,473 So... So...
845 00:39:11,099 00:39:13,893 So, anyway... I've just got to do this. So, anyway... I've just got to do this.
846 00:39:13,977 00:39:17,063 When you talk about race and that shit as a white dude, you've got to go easy. When you talk about race and that shit as a white dude, you've got to go easy.
847 00:39:17,146 00:39:20,525 You know, because very easily it starts feeling like a meeting. You know? You know, because very easily it starts feeling like a meeting. You know?
848 00:39:20,608 00:39:23,444 Whenever I start hearing, like, "Yeah! All right! Whoo!" Whenever I start hearing, like, "Yeah! All right! Whoo!"
849 00:39:23,528 00:39:27,115 That's when I go, "I've got to pull back. People aren't seeing what I'm saying. That's when I go, "I've got to pull back. People aren't seeing what I'm saying.
850 00:39:27,198 00:39:28,449 I wore a country shirt. I wore a country shirt.
851 00:39:29,200 00:39:31,286 Things are getting a little off the rails here." Things are getting a little off the rails here."
852 00:39:32,078 00:39:33,371 Can I get back to Kanye West? Can I get back to Kanye West?
853 00:39:33,454 00:39:36,708 Half of you have probably downloaded his shit. All right? All right, here we go. Half of you have probably downloaded his shit. All right? All right, here we go.
854 00:39:37,542 00:39:41,170 So, my wife got freaked out because... Early on, she was loving the guy. So, my wife got freaked out because... Early on, she was loving the guy.
855 00:39:41,254 00:39:44,215 And I was thinking he was cool. Then, one day, I saw him do an interview. And I was thinking he was cool. Then, one day, I saw him do an interview.
856 00:39:44,299 00:39:46,175 He was talking shit about how great he was, He was talking shit about how great he was,
857 00:39:46,259 00:39:49,554 and there was just this look that was in his eye, and it just made me nervous. and there was just this look that was in his eye, and it just made me nervous.
858 00:39:49,637 00:39:51,347 I'm like, "Dude, this guy is uh... I'm like, "Dude, this guy is uh...
859 00:39:51,431 00:39:53,641 This guy is, like... This guy is volatile, man. This guy is, like... This guy is volatile, man.
860 00:39:53,725 00:39:56,311 There's something with this guy. He's making me nervous. There's something with this guy. He's making me nervous.
861 00:39:57,812 00:40:00,607 This guy is, like, right on the edge of, like, snapping, right?" This guy is, like, right on the edge of, like, snapping, right?"
862 00:40:00,690 00:40:02,191 She goes, "You're out of your mind." She goes, "You're out of your mind."
863 00:40:02,275 00:40:04,736 I was thinking, "I don't know. I think this guy is fucked up." I was thinking, "I don't know. I think this guy is fucked up."
864 00:40:04,819 00:40:07,071 Then I was convinced, because one day I came walking in, Then I was convinced, because one day I came walking in,
865 00:40:07,155 00:40:09,991 she was listening to him do an interview, and I didn't know it was him. she was listening to him do an interview, and I didn't know it was him.
866 00:40:10,074 00:40:11,993 He was talking about how great he was, He was talking about how great he was,
867 00:40:12,076 00:40:14,495 and I came walking in, and all I did was hear this shit. and I came walking in, and all I did was hear this shit.
868 00:40:14,579 00:40:17,790 And, like, literally, a chill ran down my spine, And, like, literally, a chill ran down my spine,
869 00:40:17,874 00:40:21,002 and I just started thinking, like, "No! No! No!" and I just started thinking, like, "No! No! No!"
870 00:40:21,085 00:40:22,253 And I turned, and I looked. And I turned, and I looked.
871 00:40:22,337 00:40:24,172 Before it even registered that it was Kanye, Before it even registered that it was Kanye,
872 00:40:24,255 00:40:26,299 my first thought was, "Oh, thank God. my first thought was, "Oh, thank God.
873 00:40:26,382 00:40:28,468 Oh, thank God. It's just a black guy." Oh, thank God. It's just a black guy."
874 00:40:32,013 00:40:33,097 "Thank God! "Thank God!
875 00:40:33,973 00:40:35,642 It's just a black guy." It's just a black guy."
876 00:40:36,601 00:40:38,269 Yeah, I know, you're right to pull back. Yeah, I know, you're right to pull back.
877 00:40:39,646 00:40:42,106 It's right to get awkward, you don't know where this could go. It's right to get awkward, you don't know where this could go.
878 00:40:42,190 00:40:46,527 This could very easily go in a Klan-ish direction, okay? This could very easily go in a Klan-ish direction, okay?
879 00:40:47,737 00:40:49,489 So just let me clarify. So just let me clarify.
880 00:40:49,572 00:40:50,573 Just hear me out. Just hear me out.
881 00:40:50,657 00:40:52,825 I'm thinking, "Thank God it's a black guy," I'm thinking, "Thank God it's a black guy,"
882 00:40:52,909 00:40:56,204 meaning, "Thank God that ego that is in him..." meaning, "Thank God that ego that is in him..."
883 00:40:56,287 00:40:58,706 When that thing floated down from the heavens, When that thing floated down from the heavens,
884 00:40:58,790 00:40:59,999 or the cosmos, or the cosmos,
885 00:41:00,083 00:41:03,002 whatever the hell Joel Osteen shit you believe... whatever the hell Joel Osteen shit you believe...
886 00:41:03,086 00:41:04,420 All right? All right?
887 00:41:05,088 00:41:08,299 When that thing was floating down, it could have landed in anybody. When that thing was floating down, it could have landed in anybody.
888 00:41:08,383 00:41:09,384 Thank God... Thank God...
889 00:41:09,926 00:41:11,594 it landed in a black guy. it landed in a black guy.
890 00:41:11,678 00:41:14,013 Thank God it got wrapped up in that, Thank God it got wrapped up in that,
891 00:41:14,097 00:41:15,723 trapped within that. trapped within that.
892 00:41:16,557 00:41:17,642 It's safe in there. It's safe in there.
893 00:41:18,851 00:41:21,646 No reason to worry when it's in there, No reason to worry when it's in there,
894 00:41:21,729 00:41:25,692 because if that ego, however, had floated down... because if that ego, however, had floated down...
895 00:41:25,775 00:41:28,194 and landed in a blue-eyed white dude, and landed in a blue-eyed white dude,
896 00:41:28,277 00:41:31,698 there is no telling the damage that could have been done. there is no telling the damage that could have been done.
897 00:41:32,615 00:41:35,368 You're talking entire civilizations wiped out... You're talking entire civilizations wiped out...
898 00:41:36,369 00:41:37,578 worldwide famine, worldwide famine,
899 00:41:37,662 00:41:39,706 the moon colliding with the Earth. the moon colliding with the Earth.
900 00:41:40,206 00:41:43,543 Thank God that ego landed in a black guy. Thank God that ego landed in a black guy.
901 00:41:45,003 00:41:49,048 Because he's just as nuts as some of the craziest white dudes of all time, Because he's just as nuts as some of the craziest white dudes of all time,
902 00:41:49,132 00:41:51,134 he just doesn't have the opportunity he just doesn't have the opportunity
903 00:41:51,217 00:41:53,219 to follow through with the madness. to follow through with the madness.
904 00:41:53,970 00:41:56,723 Right? Yeah, there's a glass ceiling on evil. Right? Yeah, there's a glass ceiling on evil.
905 00:41:57,515 00:41:58,850 You never noticed that? You never noticed that?
906 00:42:00,393 00:42:02,895 Dude, go home, put on the History channel. Dude, go home, put on the History channel.
907 00:42:02,979 00:42:04,856 Like, the top nine out of ten Like, the top nine out of ten
908 00:42:04,939 00:42:07,025 most batshit-crazy dudes most batshit-crazy dudes
909 00:42:07,108 00:42:08,443 who ever walked the earth who ever walked the earth
910 00:42:08,526 00:42:10,028 are all white dudes. are all white dudes.
911 00:42:10,111 00:42:13,406 Now, why is that? Because white dudes are more evil than anybody else? Now, why is that? Because white dudes are more evil than anybody else?
912 00:42:13,489 00:42:14,615 It's a possibility. It's a possibility.
913 00:42:15,366 00:42:16,909 It's a possibility. It's a possibility.
914 00:42:16,993 00:42:18,536 We've definitely got the numbers. We've definitely got the numbers.
915 00:42:20,163 00:42:21,581 But I think it's different. But I think it's different.
916 00:42:21,664 00:42:24,625 You know what it is? Nobody's watching white dudes. Right? You know what it is? Nobody's watching white dudes. Right?
917 00:42:24,709 00:42:27,170 White dudes, too many of 'em gather and somebody pulls up, White dudes, too many of 'em gather and somebody pulls up,
918 00:42:27,253 00:42:29,130 "All right, break it up! Keep it moving! "All right, break it up! Keep it moving!
919 00:42:29,213 00:42:30,631 Get out of here!" Get out of here!"
920 00:42:30,715 00:42:33,801 Getting pulled over for no fucking reason, none of that shit. Getting pulled over for no fucking reason, none of that shit.
921 00:42:33,885 00:42:35,803 You're a white dude. It's just an open field. You're a white dude. It's just an open field.
922 00:42:35,887 00:42:38,014 Anything you think, "Hey, I'm gonna do that." Anything you think, "Hey, I'm gonna do that."
923 00:42:38,097 00:42:40,141 No one's stopping you. You just... No one's stopping you. You just...
924 00:42:40,224 00:42:41,434 You just start running. You just start running.
925 00:42:41,934 00:42:44,353 Next thing you know, you're handing out buttons, Next thing you know, you're handing out buttons,
926 00:42:44,437 00:42:45,897 you've got your own uniform. you've got your own uniform.
927 00:42:46,606 00:42:48,691 You're starting a fucking war, right? You're starting a fucking war, right?
928 00:42:49,942 00:42:51,903 All Kanye West is allowed to do All Kanye West is allowed to do
929 00:42:51,986 00:42:53,529 is fuck up an award show is fuck up an award show
930 00:42:53,613 00:42:55,073 every three to four years. every three to four years.
931 00:42:56,115 00:42:59,911 Make a public service announcement a little awkward for Mike Myers. Make a public service announcement a little awkward for Mike Myers.
932 00:43:00,745 00:43:02,789 That's as far as he's ever gonna get. That's as far as he's ever gonna get.
933 00:43:06,626 00:43:08,086 I know, I know. You don't believe me. I know, I know. You don't believe me.
934 00:43:08,169 00:43:09,295 Dude, okay, Dude, okay,
935 00:43:09,378 00:43:11,380 next time Kanye's going off on himself, next time Kanye's going off on himself,
936 00:43:11,464 00:43:13,925 I'm telling you, just close your eyes, forget it's him I'm telling you, just close your eyes, forget it's him
937 00:43:14,008 00:43:17,470 and really listen to what is coming out of this guy's mouth. and really listen to what is coming out of this guy's mouth.
938 00:43:18,012 00:43:19,597 He says shit like, "I'm a genius." He says shit like, "I'm a genius."
939 00:43:20,515 00:43:21,974 "I'm a god. I'm Shakespeare." "I'm a god. I'm Shakespeare."
940 00:43:23,101 00:43:26,437 "My biggest regret is I'll never get to see myself perform live." "My biggest regret is I'll never get to see myself perform live."
941 00:43:28,272 00:43:29,482 That's a direct quote. That's a direct quote.
942 00:43:29,565 00:43:33,861 "My biggest regret is I'll never get to see myself perform live." "My biggest regret is I'll never get to see myself perform live."
943 00:43:33,945 00:43:36,155 Dude, you put that ego in a white dude, then it's... Dude, you put that ego in a white dude, then it's...
944 00:43:38,366 00:43:41,828 "...and the blitzkrieg, and the superior race!" "...and the blitzkrieg, and the superior race!"
945 00:43:45,164 00:43:47,708 "Vienna will return to Deutschland first!" "Vienna will return to Deutschland first!"
946 00:43:52,755 00:43:54,757 No, I'm telling you. But we're okay. No, I'm telling you. But we're okay.
947 00:43:54,841 00:43:56,843 We're okay. It's in a black guy. We're okay. It's in a black guy.
948 00:43:58,302 00:43:59,637 Nothing's gonna happen. Nothing's gonna happen.
949 00:44:00,763 00:44:02,140 You never noticed that shit? You never noticed that shit?
950 00:44:02,849 00:44:05,268 Crazy black guys, as far as they can get, Crazy black guys, as far as they can get,
951 00:44:05,351 00:44:07,520 they can just freak people out in the subway. they can just freak people out in the subway.
952 00:44:08,187 00:44:11,232 They can stand on a street corner with their book and their friends, They can stand on a street corner with their book and their friends,
953 00:44:11,315 00:44:12,692 just yelling about white people. just yelling about white people.
954 00:44:12,775 00:44:13,901 "These people got tails! "These people got tails!
955 00:44:13,985 00:44:15,862 The motherfuckers got tails! They're evil!" The motherfuckers got tails! They're evil!"
956 00:44:15,945 00:44:17,238 You just cross the street. You just cross the street.
957 00:44:17,738 00:44:18,739 That's it. That's it.
958 00:44:19,824 00:44:24,412 In a perfect world, Hitler never would have made it past the subway level. In a perfect world, Hitler never would have made it past the subway level.
959 00:44:24,495 00:44:26,455 That's as far as he ever would have got. That's as far as he ever would have got.
960 00:44:27,206 00:44:29,834 You would have been on the train. "What are you gonna do tonight?" You would have been on the train. "What are you gonna do tonight?"
961 00:44:29,917 00:44:31,502 "Play a little fantasy football." "Play a little fantasy football."
962 00:44:31,586 00:44:33,754 The door would just open. He'd come walking through. The door would just open. He'd come walking through.
963 00:44:33,838 00:44:36,799 "And they should have the blue eyes and the blonde hair, "And they should have the blue eyes and the blonde hair,
964 00:44:36,883 00:44:38,467 and the pubes like the sun!" and the pubes like the sun!"
965 00:44:38,551 00:44:41,888 And you're just sitting there. "Just ignore him. Let him pass through. And you're just sitting there. "Just ignore him. Let him pass through.
966 00:44:41,971 00:44:42,972 Let him pass through." Let him pass through."
967 00:44:43,055 00:44:45,391 And he'd just walk into the other part of the train. And he'd just walk into the other part of the train.
968 00:44:45,474 00:44:48,477 Literally, a world war just passing through. Literally, a world war just passing through.
969 00:44:49,353 00:44:50,688 But he was a white dude, But he was a white dude,
970 00:44:50,771 00:44:53,232 no one watched him and his hair was flopping around, no one watched him and his hair was flopping around,
971 00:44:53,316 00:44:54,817 and nobody gave a fuck. and nobody gave a fuck.
972 00:44:54,901 00:44:55,902 All right? All right?
973 00:44:57,486 00:44:59,572 So that's kind of like the weird lesson... So that's kind of like the weird lesson...
974 00:45:00,698 00:45:02,366 that I learned with Kanye West. that I learned with Kanye West.
975 00:45:03,451 00:45:04,452 You know? You know?
976 00:45:06,621 00:45:09,582 Like, every once in a while, racism works. Like, every once in a while, racism works.
977 00:45:11,876 00:45:14,378 Like, 99.9 per cent of the time, Like, 99.9 per cent of the time,
978 00:45:14,462 00:45:16,297 it's the ugliest thing we do to one another, it's the ugliest thing we do to one another,
979 00:45:16,380 00:45:18,257 but every once in a while we get lucky but every once in a while we get lucky
980 00:45:18,341 00:45:21,344 and that marble, it just rolls into the right hole and that marble, it just rolls into the right hole
981 00:45:21,427 00:45:22,678 and we get off easy. and we get off easy.
982 00:45:24,597 00:45:26,015 We got off easy with that guy. We got off easy with that guy.
983 00:45:28,392 00:45:31,520 I've got to commend you guys. You did well with the Hitler reference. I've got to commend you guys. You did well with the Hitler reference.
984 00:45:32,146 00:45:33,147 You did all right. You did all right.
985 00:45:33,230 00:45:35,232 Nothing quiets a room Nothing quiets a room
986 00:45:35,316 00:45:36,984 like dropping the H-bomb. like dropping the H-bomb.
987 00:45:38,903 00:45:42,114 You bring up Adolf Hitler, it gets fucking quiet, to this day. You bring up Adolf Hitler, it gets fucking quiet, to this day.
988 00:45:42,698 00:45:44,575 This dude, fucking, he died, like, what, This dude, fucking, he died, like, what,
989 00:45:44,659 00:45:46,994 75 fucking years ago, allegedly. 75 fucking years ago, allegedly.
990 00:45:47,078 00:45:48,621 You know? You know?
991 00:45:48,704 00:45:50,748 Some think he went down to South America... Some think he went down to South America...
992 00:45:50,831 00:45:52,667 "And why are they so brown?" "And why are they so brown?"
993 00:45:52,750 00:45:54,293 ...for the rest of his life. ...for the rest of his life.
994 00:45:54,377 00:45:56,754 At this point, even if he lived, he's fucking dead, right? At this point, even if he lived, he's fucking dead, right?
995 00:45:58,631 00:45:59,840 We can go with that, right? We can go with that, right?
996 00:46:02,093 00:46:03,970 But still, to this day, though, But still, to this day, though,
997 00:46:04,053 00:46:06,222 even though he died let's say 75-fucking-years ago, even though he died let's say 75-fucking-years ago,
998 00:46:06,305 00:46:07,932 he's still the benchmark for evil. he's still the benchmark for evil.
999 00:46:08,015 00:46:10,059 Have you ever noticed that? He is the reference. Have you ever noticed that? He is the reference.
1000 00:46:10,142 00:46:13,437 Any time you want to say somebody's evil, you just say, "He is the next Hitler." Any time you want to say somebody's evil, you just say, "He is the next Hitler."
1001 00:46:13,521 00:46:16,857 "Donald Trump, he's the next Hitler." "Saddam Hussein, he's the next Hitler." "Donald Trump, he's the next Hitler." "Saddam Hussein, he's the next Hitler."
1002 00:46:16,941 00:46:19,110 It's always, "He's the next Hitler," okay? It's always, "He's the next Hitler," okay?
1003 00:46:19,193 00:46:22,863 I don't know what the fuck they used to say before Hitler came around, right? I don't know what the fuck they used to say before Hitler came around, right?
1004 00:46:24,156 00:46:25,574 "He's the next Genghis Khan." "He's the next Genghis Khan."
1005 00:46:25,658 00:46:26,742 "He's the next Napoleon." "He's the next Napoleon."
1006 00:46:26,826 00:46:29,286 I don't know, Ivan the Terrible. I don't know what they said. I don't know, Ivan the Terrible. I don't know what they said.
1007 00:46:29,370 00:46:31,706 But whatever they used to say, he wiped them all out. But whatever they used to say, he wiped them all out.
1008 00:46:31,789 00:46:33,791 He was so fucked up, He was so fucked up,
1009 00:46:33,874 00:46:36,419 it's like what they did didn't even exist any more. it's like what they did didn't even exist any more.
1010 00:46:36,502 00:46:39,839 All right? It's like when Michael Jordan came into the NBA. All right? It's like when Michael Jordan came into the NBA.
1011 00:46:40,339 00:46:42,133 He was so fucking good... He was so fucking good...
1012 00:46:43,050 00:46:44,343 he wiped out everyone. he wiped out everyone.
1013 00:46:45,011 00:46:47,054 No one ever goes, "He's the next Dr. J." No one ever goes, "He's the next Dr. J."
1014 00:46:47,138 00:46:49,098 "He's the next Wilt." No one says that. "He's the next Wilt." No one says that.
1015 00:46:49,181 00:46:51,100 It's always, "He's the next Mike." It's always, "He's the next Mike."
1016 00:46:51,183 00:46:52,018 Right? Right?
1017 00:46:52,601 00:46:55,938 Adolf Hitler is the Michael Jordan of evil. Adolf Hitler is the Michael Jordan of evil.
1018 00:46:57,898 00:46:58,733 He is. He is.
1019 00:46:58,816 00:47:03,946 Like, Nike literally should have made him a sneaker, like a giant fucking boot. Like, Nike literally should have made him a sneaker, like a giant fucking boot.
1020 00:47:04,030 00:47:07,241 You know, it's all stiff around your knees so you get that walk going down. You know, it's all stiff around your knees so you get that walk going down.
1021 00:47:07,908 00:47:08,743 Right? Right?
1022 00:47:09,285 00:47:12,038 Like, if there was an evil hall of fame, Like, if there was an evil hall of fame,
1023 00:47:12,121 00:47:13,622 you've got to put Hitler in. you've got to put Hitler in.
1024 00:47:13,706 00:47:16,709 He's first-ballot hall-of-fame evil. He's first-ballot hall-of-fame evil.
1025 00:47:16,792 00:47:18,794 Okay? Undeniable stats. Okay? Undeniable stats.
1026 00:47:19,295 00:47:21,630 He's got the career numbers. You know? He's got the career numbers. You know?
1027 00:47:21,714 00:47:23,674 Six to nine million dingers, Six to nine million dingers,
1028 00:47:23,758 00:47:24,842 you're getting in. you're getting in.
1029 00:47:26,343 00:47:27,470 You're getting in. You're getting in.
1030 00:47:29,472 00:47:31,223 People, its a sports analogy. People, its a sports analogy.
1031 00:47:31,307 00:47:33,642 I'm not advocating what the man did. I'm not advocating what the man did.
1032 00:47:33,726 00:47:36,520 Can we all be adults here? All right? Can we all be adults here? All right?
1033 00:47:37,188 00:47:40,775 Am I gonna be on a split screen tomorrow morning with some blogger? Am I gonna be on a split screen tomorrow morning with some blogger?
1034 00:47:41,817 00:47:43,736 On some Good Morning, Nashville show. On some Good Morning, Nashville show.
1035 00:47:45,112 00:47:47,031 "Comedy: Can it go too far? "Comedy: Can it go too far?
1036 00:47:47,114 00:47:48,949 Last night at the Ryman Theater..." Last night at the Ryman Theater..."
1037 00:47:50,367 00:47:51,786 "...making fun of fat people, "...making fun of fat people,
1038 00:47:51,869 00:47:53,829 sinking cruise ships was all fine. sinking cruise ships was all fine.
1039 00:47:53,913 00:47:56,082 Suddenly, it took a horrible, Suddenly, it took a horrible,
1040 00:47:56,165 00:47:57,458 horrible turn. horrible turn.
1041 00:47:57,541 00:48:01,462 Fortunately, local blogger Maggie Maggenhall Fortunately, local blogger Maggie Maggenhall
1042 00:48:01,545 00:48:02,755 was on the scene. was on the scene.
1043 00:48:02,838 00:48:04,632 Maggie, can you describe Maggie, can you describe
1044 00:48:04,715 00:48:06,634 what you were subjected to... what you were subjected to...
1045 00:48:07,468 00:48:10,012 during last night's horrible rant?" during last night's horrible rant?"
1046 00:48:10,888 00:48:14,850 "Well, first of all, everybody that knows me knows I have a great sense of humor. "Well, first of all, everybody that knows me knows I have a great sense of humor.
1047 00:48:14,934 00:48:16,143 I think this is funny, I think this is funny,
1048 00:48:16,227 00:48:17,478 I think that is funny, I think that is funny,
1049 00:48:17,561 00:48:20,314 but that, last night, that was not funny." but that, last night, that was not funny."
1050 00:48:22,149 00:48:23,359 It always goes down like that. It always goes down like that.
1051 00:48:23,442 00:48:24,860 They always have to establish They always have to establish
1052 00:48:24,944 00:48:27,238 what a wonderful sense of humor they have. what a wonderful sense of humor they have.
1053 00:48:29,365 00:48:30,658 No, it's a sports analogy. No, it's a sports analogy.
1054 00:48:31,450 00:48:32,326 Okay? Okay?
1055 00:48:32,409 00:48:35,121 Six to nine million. He got all of that one! Six to nine million. He got all of that one!
1056 00:48:35,204 00:48:37,748 He had power from both sides of the plate. He had power from both sides of the plate.
1057 00:48:37,832 00:48:39,875 He'd have his own fucking wing. He'd have his own fucking wing.
1058 00:48:40,459 00:48:42,753 Okay? But this is what kills me about Hitler. Okay? But this is what kills me about Hitler.
1059 00:48:42,837 00:48:44,338 Killed six to nine million people. Killed six to nine million people.
1060 00:48:44,421 00:48:47,758 Meanwhile, Stalin killed 20 to 25 million, Meanwhile, Stalin killed 20 to 25 million,
1061 00:48:47,842 00:48:50,594 basically over the exact same period, okay? basically over the exact same period, okay?
1062 00:48:50,678 00:48:52,388 Yet, he cannot get arrested Yet, he cannot get arrested
1063 00:48:52,471 00:48:56,016 in the conversation of most fucked-up dude who ever walked the planet. in the conversation of most fucked-up dude who ever walked the planet.
1064 00:48:56,100 00:48:58,561 It's always, "He's the next Hitler. He's the next Hitler." It's always, "He's the next Hitler. He's the next Hitler."
1065 00:48:58,644 00:49:01,105 Well, how many fucking people do you have to kill Well, how many fucking people do you have to kill
1066 00:49:01,188 00:49:02,731 just to get a little shout-out, just to get a little shout-out,
1067 00:49:02,815 00:49:04,108 a little tip of the cap? a little tip of the cap?
1068 00:49:04,859 00:49:07,027 "What do you think of this guy?" "He's the next Hitler." "What do you think of this guy?" "He's the next Hitler."
1069 00:49:07,111 00:49:09,947 How about, every once in a while, "This guy's a little Stalin-esque"? How about, every once in a while, "This guy's a little Stalin-esque"?
1070 00:49:10,030 00:49:12,491 "I see a little Jo-Jo in this guy." Right? "I see a little Jo-Jo in this guy." Right?
1071 00:49:13,784 00:49:16,662 He almost tripled his fucking numbers. He almost tripled his fucking numbers.
1072 00:49:17,663 00:49:19,790 He gets brought up like he was a backup! He gets brought up like he was a backup!
1073 00:49:22,626 00:49:24,420 Why don't his kills count? Why don't his kills count?
1074 00:49:24,503 00:49:25,796 Does anybody... Does anybody...
1075 00:49:25,880 00:49:28,382 Anybody, why doesn't his fucking kills count? I don't get it. Anybody, why doesn't his fucking kills count? I don't get it.
1076 00:49:28,465 00:49:31,218 Is it because he just looked like some regular guy, your neighbor? Is it because he just looked like some regular guy, your neighbor?
1077 00:49:31,302 00:49:33,345 You know, driving a little John Deere. You know, driving a little John Deere.
1078 00:49:33,429 00:49:35,681 "I just killed a million Ukrainians." "I just killed a million Ukrainians."
1079 00:49:35,764 00:49:37,766 He just drives around his yard. He just drives around his yard.
1080 00:49:38,350 00:49:39,435 Is that what it is? Is that what it is?
1081 00:49:41,228 00:49:44,231 I think it is. Hitler just... I don't know, he just looked the part. I think it is. Hitler just... I don't know, he just looked the part.
1082 00:49:44,315 00:49:46,275 He's like... From central casting, He's like... From central casting,
1083 00:49:46,358 00:49:48,485 you couldn't pick a more evil-looking dude. you couldn't pick a more evil-looking dude.
1084 00:49:48,986 00:49:50,029 Like, go home tonight, Like, go home tonight,
1085 00:49:50,112 00:49:51,822 google pictures of Adolf Hitler. google pictures of Adolf Hitler.
1086 00:49:51,906 00:49:55,576 Get put on the same watch list that I'm on, all right? Get put on the same watch list that I'm on, all right?
1087 00:49:57,995 00:50:01,916 I'm telling you, there's not one cute picture of that guy his whole life. I'm telling you, there's not one cute picture of that guy his whole life.
1088 00:50:01,999 00:50:03,500 It's just all pure evil. It's just all pure evil.
1089 00:50:03,584 00:50:06,003 There's no, like, teenage boy-band years, like... There's no, like, teenage boy-band years, like...
1090 00:50:08,881 00:50:11,008 You google a picture of Adolf as a baby. You google a picture of Adolf as a baby.
1091 00:50:11,091 00:50:14,845 You look at that thing, you're like, "Dude, drown that fucking thing! Drown it! You look at that thing, you're like, "Dude, drown that fucking thing! Drown it!
1092 00:50:14,929 00:50:17,181 Take it down to the river, stick it under a rock. Take it down to the river, stick it under a rock.
1093 00:50:17,264 00:50:20,434 If you don't do it, I'm gonna fucking do it. I swear to God, it's looking at me. If you don't do it, I'm gonna fucking do it. I swear to God, it's looking at me.
1094 00:50:20,517 00:50:22,603 I would kick it right in its baby chest... I would kick it right in its baby chest...
1095 00:50:23,354 00:50:25,022 and feel no guilt whatsoever." and feel no guilt whatsoever."
1096 00:50:26,649 00:50:28,275 Dude, Hitler is actually so evil, Dude, Hitler is actually so evil,
1097 00:50:28,359 00:50:30,778 he actually makes me want to learn how to speak German. he actually makes me want to learn how to speak German.
1098 00:50:30,861 00:50:32,196 You know what I mean? You know what I mean?
1099 00:50:32,279 00:50:35,991 I just want to know, what the fuck was he saying to those people? Every speech. I just want to know, what the fuck was he saying to those people? Every speech.
1100 00:50:37,743 00:50:39,870 He's so clearly out of his fucking mind. He's so clearly out of his fucking mind.
1101 00:50:39,954 00:50:41,538 It's got to be what he's saying. It's got to be what he's saying.
1102 00:50:42,748 00:50:43,916 What the fuck did he say? What the fuck did he say?
1103 00:50:44,875 00:50:46,252 There's no way he said There's no way he said
1104 00:50:46,335 00:50:48,754 what he planned on doing from the get-go. what he planned on doing from the get-go.
1105 00:50:48,837 00:50:50,714 Some unknown candidate, Some unknown candidate,
1106 00:50:50,798 00:50:52,591 right, early on... right, early on...
1107 00:50:53,884 00:50:57,054 "Okay, our next speaker coming to the stage..." "Okay, our next speaker coming to the stage..."
1108 00:50:58,555 00:51:00,432 "...to possibly run Deutschland "...to possibly run Deutschland
1109 00:51:00,516 00:51:02,476 for the foreseeable future. for the foreseeable future.
1110 00:51:03,560 00:51:04,853 His name is um... His name is um...
1111 00:51:04,937 00:51:07,648 Oh, dear. I left my glasses backstage. Oh, dear. I left my glasses backstage.
1112 00:51:07,731 00:51:09,775 Is that Alan? Is it Alan? Is that Alan? Is it Alan?
1113 00:51:10,609 00:51:12,611 Oh, Adolf. Adolf, okay. Oh, Adolf. Adolf, okay.
1114 00:51:12,695 00:51:14,154 Oh, okay, okay. Oh, okay, okay.
1115 00:51:14,655 00:51:16,782 Whoa. This guy's got a bee in his bonnet. Whoa. This guy's got a bee in his bonnet.
1116 00:51:16,865 00:51:20,619 Okay, please welcome Adolf Hitler. You got three minutes, buddy." Okay, please welcome Adolf Hitler. You got three minutes, buddy."
1117 00:51:20,703 00:51:22,913 "And I'm going to kill millions of people! "And I'm going to kill millions of people!
1118 00:51:22,997 00:51:26,125 I know what they should look like-- the eyeballs a centimeter apart! I know what they should look like-- the eyeballs a centimeter apart!
1119 00:51:26,208 00:51:28,294 I have the outfits for the rest of the people!" I have the outfits for the rest of the people!"
1120 00:51:29,211 00:51:31,171 Dude, you can't come out of the gates... Dude, you can't come out of the gates...
1121 00:51:31,922 00:51:33,424 talking to a crowd like that. talking to a crowd like that.
1122 00:51:33,507 00:51:36,719 You're gonna freak 'em out. You can't go that hard in the beginning. You're gonna freak 'em out. You can't go that hard in the beginning.
1123 00:51:36,802 00:51:40,723 You know? You can do that in the woods with a couple of drinking buddies. You know? You can do that in the woods with a couple of drinking buddies.
1124 00:51:41,890 00:51:45,602 Freaking people out. "Hey, Matt, relax. There's girls here. Jesus Christ." Freaking people out. "Hey, Matt, relax. There's girls here. Jesus Christ."
1125 00:51:47,521 00:51:50,816 "I think I've got a shot here. I'm trying to get laid. Can you just be a wingman? "I think I've got a shot here. I'm trying to get laid. Can you just be a wingman?
1126 00:51:50,899 00:51:52,901 For once in your life, dude, can you just be a... For once in your life, dude, can you just be a...
1127 00:51:52,985 00:51:56,989 Just bring the energy down. Nobody gives a fuck about your fucking theories, okay? Just bring the energy down. Nobody gives a fuck about your fucking theories, okay?
1128 00:51:57,489 00:51:59,742 Just be a chill guy. You've got shit on your mouth. Just be a chill guy. You've got shit on your mouth.
1129 00:51:59,825 00:52:02,119 Either grow a moustache or don't. You look ridiculous. Either grow a moustache or don't. You look ridiculous.
1130 00:52:02,202 00:52:03,579 I'm sorry, ladies. I'm sorry, ladies.
1131 00:52:03,662 00:52:05,039 He gets a little excited." He gets a little excited."
1132 00:52:07,583 00:52:08,792 What I think he was doing, What I think he was doing,
1133 00:52:08,876 00:52:12,046 I think he was just being a crowd-pleasing hack, if I had to guess. I think he was just being a crowd-pleasing hack, if I had to guess.
1134 00:52:12,629 00:52:14,673 He was telling Germans what they wanted to hear. He was telling Germans what they wanted to hear.
1135 00:52:14,757 00:52:17,468 "And we have the best cars, we have the best women. "And we have the best cars, we have the best women.
1136 00:52:17,551 00:52:19,345 Oktoberfest is the shit!" Oktoberfest is the shit!"
1137 00:52:19,428 00:52:21,430 He's just shooting free T-shirts up. He's just shooting free T-shirts up.
1138 00:52:23,932 00:52:25,517 Fucking armbands. Right? Fucking armbands. Right?
1139 00:52:28,854 00:52:31,148 I don't know. It's something that's always bothered me. I don't know. It's something that's always bothered me.
1140 00:52:31,940 00:52:33,233 Not always, just recently. Not always, just recently.
1141 00:52:33,317 00:52:35,694 If this guy kills six to fucking nine, everybody's... If this guy kills six to fucking nine, everybody's...
1142 00:52:35,778 00:52:38,364 we definitely don't want another one of those. we definitely don't want another one of those.
1143 00:52:38,447 00:52:40,783 Well, what about this guy? Twenty to fucking 25. Well, what about this guy? Twenty to fucking 25.
1144 00:52:41,450 00:52:42,451 You know? You know?
1145 00:52:43,118 00:52:46,038 What it is, there's probably a couple of egghead history majors going, What it is, there's probably a couple of egghead history majors going,
1146 00:52:46,121 00:52:48,707 "Well, Bill, if we're gonna go around the world, you know, "Well, Bill, if we're gonna go around the world, you know,
1147 00:52:48,791 00:52:50,626 what about that dude Mao from China? what about that dude Mao from China?
1148 00:52:51,293 00:52:54,671 He allegedly killed 50-60 million people. He allegedly killed 50-60 million people.
1149 00:52:54,755 00:52:57,299 What about that guy? How come you don't bring him up?" What about that guy? How come you don't bring him up?"
1150 00:52:57,383 00:52:59,426 Simple. I don't count those kills. Simple. I don't count those kills.
1151 00:53:03,097 00:53:04,473 I don't. I don't count 'em. I don't. I don't count 'em.
1152 00:53:06,100 00:53:08,936 Dude, there's, like, a billion people in China. Dude, there's, like, a billion people in China.
1153 00:53:09,019 00:53:12,523 You wipeout on a scooter, you're gonna kill 80 not even trying. You wipeout on a scooter, you're gonna kill 80 not even trying.
1154 00:53:13,565 00:53:15,067 Fifty to 60 million, Fifty to 60 million,
1155 00:53:15,150 00:53:17,736 that's like steroid-era stats. that's like steroid-era stats.
1156 00:53:17,820 00:53:19,905 Like, get the fuck out of here. What are you on? Like, get the fuck out of here. What are you on?
1157 00:53:19,988 00:53:22,199 Come on. Am I supposed to believe that number? Come on. Am I supposed to believe that number?
1158 00:53:22,699 00:53:25,202 That's like when a second baseman had, like, 50 jacks. That's like when a second baseman had, like, 50 jacks.
1159 00:53:25,285 00:53:26,954 Dude, you had 20 in high school. Dude, you had 20 in high school.
1160 00:53:27,037 00:53:29,915 Get the fuck out of here, 50 homeruns! Get the fuck out of here, 50 homeruns!
1161 00:53:32,084 00:53:34,002 I don't get it. I just don't get why... I don't get it. I just don't get why...
1162 00:53:37,172 00:53:39,591 What I feel, whenever I do this bit, I always feel the crowd, What I feel, whenever I do this bit, I always feel the crowd,
1163 00:53:39,675 00:53:41,885 you guys just don't like a sports analogy. you guys just don't like a sports analogy.
1164 00:53:42,428 00:53:43,762 You know? You know?
1165 00:53:45,806 00:53:47,266 Let's go music, all right? Let's go music, all right?
1166 00:53:47,349 00:53:49,017 It's Nashville. It's Nashville.
1167 00:53:49,101 00:53:52,062 We'll look at it in a musical way. All right? Okay. We'll look at it in a musical way. All right? Okay.
1168 00:53:52,563 00:53:53,981 Hitler drops an album. Hitler drops an album.
1169 00:53:55,732 00:53:58,360 He sells six to nine million copies. He sells six to nine million copies.
1170 00:53:58,444 00:54:02,030 All right? He's got a couple of summertime jams, maybe a prom song. All right? He's got a couple of summertime jams, maybe a prom song.
1171 00:54:02,114 00:54:03,782 He just catches a moment. He just catches a moment.
1172 00:54:03,866 00:54:06,118 He has his own dance, like "Gangnam Style," He has his own dance, like "Gangnam Style,"
1173 00:54:06,201 00:54:08,078 except it's got a little more with the hands. except it's got a little more with the hands.
1174 00:54:08,162 00:54:09,788 Right? Right?
1175 00:54:09,872 00:54:11,415 It's more of an upper-body song. It's more of an upper-body song.
1176 00:54:13,000 00:54:14,543 Then, later on that summer, Then, later on that summer,
1177 00:54:14,626 00:54:16,420 Stalin drops his new shit. Stalin drops his new shit.
1178 00:54:16,503 00:54:19,465 He sells 20-25 million copies. He sells 20-25 million copies.
1179 00:54:20,007 00:54:23,802 Twenty to 25 million copies is Michael Jackson Thriller, okay? Twenty to 25 million copies is Michael Jackson Thriller, okay?
1180 00:54:23,886 00:54:26,763 One of the greatest artists, one of the greatest albums of all time. One of the greatest artists, one of the greatest albums of all time.
1181 00:54:26,847 00:54:28,432 Six to nine million in sales, Six to nine million in sales,
1182 00:54:28,515 00:54:31,643 that's like Hootie & The Blowfish Cracked Rear View Mirror. that's like Hootie & The Blowfish Cracked Rear View Mirror.
1183 00:54:33,979 00:54:37,316 Now, if you guys were at home in your apartment or your fucking barn, Now, if you guys were at home in your apartment or your fucking barn,
1184 00:54:37,399 00:54:38,901 whatever it is you do down here... whatever it is you do down here...
1185 00:54:40,152 00:54:41,862 ...sitting there with your lantern... ...sitting there with your lantern...
1186 00:54:44,156 00:54:45,657 and you're sound asleep... and you're sound asleep...
1187 00:54:47,034 00:54:48,619 next to your favorite bale of hay. next to your favorite bale of hay.
1188 00:54:48,702 00:54:50,037 You're sound asleep... You're sound asleep...
1189 00:54:50,704 00:54:52,498 and someone runs in at three in the morning. and someone runs in at three in the morning.
1190 00:54:52,581 00:54:56,084 "Dude, run down to the bar! It's the next Michael Jackson, I swear to God!" "Dude, run down to the bar! It's the next Michael Jackson, I swear to God!"
1191 00:54:56,168 00:54:57,461 You would consider it. You would consider it.
1192 00:54:58,253 00:55:00,339 "Michael Jackson, I've got to fucking see that." "Michael Jackson, I've got to fucking see that."
1193 00:55:00,422 00:55:02,090 But if somebody woke you up, like, But if somebody woke you up, like,
1194 00:55:02,174 00:55:05,177 "Dude, you've got to see this guy! He's the next Hootie & The Blowfish!" "Dude, you've got to see this guy! He's the next Hootie & The Blowfish!"
1195 00:55:05,260 00:55:06,220 Right? Right?
1196 00:55:06,303 00:55:09,890 You'd smash him over the head with your fucking lantern, or whatever you've got. You'd smash him over the head with your fucking lantern, or whatever you've got.
1197 00:55:13,352 00:55:15,395 Why don't his fucking kills count? Why don't his fucking kills count?
1198 00:55:15,479 00:55:18,106 Dude, Stalin, he even killed his own friends. Dude, Stalin, he even killed his own friends.
1199 00:55:19,024 00:55:20,567 Hitler didn't even do that. Hitler didn't even do that.
1200 00:55:20,651 00:55:23,278 You go duck hunting with Stalin. You thought you were in with him. You go duck hunting with Stalin. You thought you were in with him.
1201 00:55:23,362 00:55:25,280 He's taking pictures with you and shit. He's taking pictures with you and shit.
1202 00:55:25,364 00:55:27,866 It's all fucking good, right? It's all fucking good, right?
1203 00:55:27,950 00:55:31,453 Then, a week later, you parted your hair a little bit different, he got paranoid, Then, a week later, you parted your hair a little bit different, he got paranoid,
1204 00:55:31,537 00:55:33,247 and that was it, he whacked you. and that was it, he whacked you.
1205 00:55:33,330 00:55:34,331 That's it. That's it.
1206 00:55:34,831 00:55:37,709 Not only that, he then had you erased out of the photo. Not only that, he then had you erased out of the photo.
1207 00:55:37,793 00:55:41,296 You know? Next thing you know, Stalin's hugging a tree or some shit like that. You know? Next thing you know, Stalin's hugging a tree or some shit like that.
1208 00:55:41,380 00:55:44,091 This guy was photoshopping people out of photos... This guy was photoshopping people out of photos...
1209 00:55:45,175 00:55:47,594 like, 60 years before the technology existed. like, 60 years before the technology existed.
1210 00:55:47,678 00:55:49,763 He changed the fucking game! He changed the fucking game!
1211 00:55:54,518 00:55:57,646 Yeah. So, I watch a lot of the YouTube videos, right? Yeah. So, I watch a lot of the YouTube videos, right?
1212 00:55:57,729 00:56:00,607 So, the other night, my wife, lovely wife, she's falling asleep. So, the other night, my wife, lovely wife, she's falling asleep.
1213 00:56:00,691 00:56:04,278 I can't because I'm all scatterbrained, so I just start watching YouTube clips. I can't because I'm all scatterbrained, so I just start watching YouTube clips.
1214 00:56:04,361 00:56:08,782 Okay? And I ended up seeing this clip of this lady down at the zoo. All right? Okay? And I ended up seeing this clip of this lady down at the zoo. All right?
1215 00:56:08,865 00:56:10,158 This lady down at the zoo, This lady down at the zoo,
1216 00:56:10,242 00:56:13,120 who I'm sure wasn't making as much money who I'm sure wasn't making as much money
1217 00:56:13,203 00:56:15,622 as the guy who worked at the zoo, as the guy who worked at the zoo,
1218 00:56:15,706 00:56:18,000 and that's what needs to stop. and that's what needs to stop.
1219 00:56:21,503 00:56:24,131 Ladies, did you ever think of opening your own zoo? You know? Ladies, did you ever think of opening your own zoo? You know?
1220 00:56:25,424 00:56:28,218 Is there a reason you wait until we build the whole fucking thing, Is there a reason you wait until we build the whole fucking thing,
1221 00:56:28,302 00:56:30,804 and then you show up when all the hard work is done? and then you show up when all the hard work is done?
1222 00:56:30,887 00:56:32,389 All the animals are captured. All the animals are captured.
1223 00:56:32,472 00:56:35,142 "Hey, where's my fucking corner office?!" "Hey, where's my fucking corner office?!"
1224 00:56:35,225 00:56:36,226 Yeah. Yeah.
1225 00:56:37,311 00:56:38,812 Start your own fucking zoo! Start your own fucking zoo!
1226 00:56:39,438 00:56:41,607 Go out and catch a cobra, see how that is. Go out and catch a cobra, see how that is.
1227 00:56:44,901 00:56:47,321 That's not the point of this story. I just like... That's not the point of this story. I just like...
1228 00:56:47,404 00:56:50,449 I just like being a dick sometimes. So, this lady down at the zoo. I just like being a dick sometimes. So, this lady down at the zoo.
1229 00:56:52,200 00:56:55,454 This lady down at the zoo, she taught this gorilla how to do sign language. This lady down at the zoo, she taught this gorilla how to do sign language.
1230 00:56:55,537 00:56:57,998 Okay? And I don't just mean like "hello" and "goodbye." Okay? And I don't just mean like "hello" and "goodbye."
1231 00:56:58,081 00:56:59,333 Like, literally phrases. Like, literally phrases.
1232 00:56:59,416 00:57:01,460 This thing could, like, talk about its emotions. This thing could, like, talk about its emotions.
1233 00:57:01,543 00:57:03,337 They were actually conversing. They were actually conversing.
1234 00:57:03,420 00:57:05,839 The gorilla is talking to her. "Oh, my God. You look upset." The gorilla is talking to her. "Oh, my God. You look upset."
1235 00:57:05,922 00:57:08,258 "Oh, I'm kind of sad." And they're just talking. "Oh, I'm kind of sad." And they're just talking.
1236 00:57:08,342 00:57:10,844 So immediately, like, my brain just went fucking crazy. So immediately, like, my brain just went fucking crazy.
1237 00:57:10,927 00:57:13,388 I was like, "Oh, my God. She's talking to a gorilla. I was like, "Oh, my God. She's talking to a gorilla.
1238 00:57:13,930 00:57:16,099 I love gorillas. Who wouldn't talk to a gorilla?" I love gorillas. Who wouldn't talk to a gorilla?"
1239 00:57:16,183 00:57:18,727 Without thinking that my wife is sleeping, I just blurted out, Without thinking that my wife is sleeping, I just blurted out,
1240 00:57:18,810 00:57:20,604 "Ask it how much it can bench! "Ask it how much it can bench!
1241 00:57:21,104 00:57:23,106 Ask it how much it can bench!" Ask it how much it can bench!"
1242 00:57:24,524 00:57:26,151 My wife pops up. "What are you doing?" My wife pops up. "What are you doing?"
1243 00:57:26,234 00:57:28,904 I'm like, "Look at this! Look! She's talking to a gorilla!" I'm like, "Look at this! Look! She's talking to a gorilla!"
1244 00:57:28,987 00:57:31,615 And we both just got sucked into this thing. Right? And we both just got sucked into this thing. Right?
1245 00:57:32,741 00:57:35,369 So, long story short, she's talking to this gorilla, So, long story short, she's talking to this gorilla,
1246 00:57:35,452 00:57:37,788 and one day she decides to get it a little kitten. and one day she decides to get it a little kitten.
1247 00:57:37,871 00:57:39,206 A little kitty cat, right? A little kitty cat, right?
1248 00:57:39,289 00:57:42,876 Immediately I'm thinking, like, "Don't get it a cat! It's a gorilla." Immediately I'm thinking, like, "Don't get it a cat! It's a gorilla."
1249 00:57:42,960 00:57:45,087 It's gonna twist the thing's head off, It's gonna twist the thing's head off,
1250 00:57:45,170 00:57:47,714 throw the body over there, play with the head for a while. throw the body over there, play with the head for a while.
1251 00:57:47,798 00:57:49,800 Sniffing it and stuff. Sniffing it and stuff.
1252 00:57:49,883 00:57:53,345 And then, later, it's gonna walk over and set the head down next to the body And then, later, it's gonna walk over and set the head down next to the body
1253 00:57:53,428 00:57:55,555 and wonder why the whole thing's not getting up again. and wonder why the whole thing's not getting up again.
1254 00:57:56,264 00:57:58,684 Because it's a fucking gorilla. Because it's a fucking gorilla.
1255 00:57:59,559 00:58:00,894 It's a wild animal. It's a wild animal.
1256 00:58:00,978 00:58:03,397 Wild animals don't have pets, right? Wild animals don't have pets, right?
1257 00:58:03,480 00:58:05,899 It's kill or be killed out there. That's it. It's kill or be killed out there. That's it.
1258 00:58:05,983 00:58:08,944 They don't have little parakeets on their shoulders and shit. They don't have little parakeets on their shoulders and shit.
1259 00:58:09,945 00:58:11,154 But it was the exact opposite. But it was the exact opposite.
1260 00:58:11,238 00:58:12,531 She gives it this little kitten, She gives it this little kitten,
1261 00:58:12,614 00:58:14,491 and it immediately understood it was a baby, and it immediately understood it was a baby,
1262 00:58:14,574 00:58:16,410 and this, like, parental thing came over. and this, like, parental thing came over.
1263 00:58:16,493 00:58:19,287 It was so, like, gentle and filled with joy. It was so, like, gentle and filled with joy.
1264 00:58:19,371 00:58:20,831 It was, like, beautiful, right? It was, like, beautiful, right?
1265 00:58:20,914 00:58:23,041 And then they understood that it loved this kitten, And then they understood that it loved this kitten,
1266 00:58:23,125 00:58:25,627 and they started using it as, like, a teaching tool, right? and they started using it as, like, a teaching tool, right?
1267 00:58:25,711 00:58:29,047 So every night they take the cat back, all right, and the next day they come in. So every night they take the cat back, all right, and the next day they come in.
1268 00:58:29,131 00:58:31,883 If the gorilla learned its phrases, it got to play with the kitten. If the gorilla learned its phrases, it got to play with the kitten.
1269 00:58:31,967 00:58:33,385 They use it as a motivational tool. They use it as a motivational tool.
1270 00:58:33,468 00:58:35,971 So the gorilla's vocabulary started going through the roof. So the gorilla's vocabulary started going through the roof.
1271 00:58:36,054 00:58:39,224 All right? So, to cut to the chase, one night they take the cat home. All right? So, to cut to the chase, one night they take the cat home.
1272 00:58:39,307 00:58:41,059 Somehow, the little kitten gets out. Somehow, the little kitten gets out.
1273 00:58:41,143 00:58:42,978 It got hit by car and it died. It got hit by car and it died.
1274 00:58:44,396 00:58:46,231 Yeah, that cat you never met died. Yeah, that cat you never met died.
1275 00:58:49,818 00:58:51,486 I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for your loss.
1276 00:58:52,738 00:58:56,158 I know you knew it, all of it, for fucking 20 seconds. I know you knew it, all of it, for fucking 20 seconds.
1277 00:58:56,241 00:58:57,367 You know? You know?
1278 00:58:57,451 00:58:59,202 I don't know if it was dead instantly, I don't know if it was dead instantly,
1279 00:58:59,286 00:59:01,788 like if it drove right over its head and that was it. like if it drove right over its head and that was it.
1280 00:59:02,289 00:59:05,500 Or maybe it just hit the back legs and it tried to crawl away, Or maybe it just hit the back legs and it tried to crawl away,
1281 00:59:05,584 00:59:07,836 but it was... it was, like, stuck to the road, but it was... it was, like, stuck to the road,
1282 00:59:07,919 00:59:09,963 and it was... it was meowing out and it was... it was meowing out
1283 00:59:10,047 00:59:11,548 and it could see its breath. and it could see its breath.
1284 00:59:12,257 00:59:15,093 And right before it lost consciousness, the rats came in, And right before it lost consciousness, the rats came in,
1285 00:59:15,177 00:59:17,554 and it was... it was just screaming, and in such... and it was... it was just screaming, and in such...
1286 00:59:18,722 00:59:21,391 Cute little paws, it was like little socks, trying to get up. Cute little paws, it was like little socks, trying to get up.
1287 00:59:21,475 00:59:22,768 I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened.
1288 00:59:22,851 00:59:25,020 But you seemed so fucking concerned But you seemed so fucking concerned
1289 00:59:25,103 00:59:28,648 about this kitten... I figured I'd throw out a couple of theories. about this kitten... I figured I'd throw out a couple of theories.
1290 00:59:28,732 00:59:31,359 More concerned about the kitten than the Hitler shit, by the way. More concerned about the kitten than the Hitler shit, by the way.
1291 00:59:31,443 00:59:32,569 More of a reaction. More of a reaction.
1292 00:59:34,654 00:59:36,239 More of a reaction. That's fine. More of a reaction. That's fine.
1293 00:59:36,865 00:59:38,658 Every crowd's a little bit different. Every crowd's a little bit different.
1294 00:59:39,659 00:59:41,578 That's not the point of the story. That's not the point of the story.
1295 00:59:41,661 00:59:43,455 Okay? The point of the story... Okay? The point of the story...
1296 00:59:44,915 00:59:46,666 was now this lady had to go down to the zoo, was now this lady had to go down to the zoo,
1297 00:59:46,750 00:59:49,795 she had to tell the gorilla that the kitten was dead, right? she had to tell the gorilla that the kitten was dead, right?
1298 00:59:49,878 00:59:52,464 So she comes back down to the zoo, and the gorilla's all amped up. So she comes back down to the zoo, and the gorilla's all amped up.
1299 00:59:52,547 00:59:54,299 This is its favorite part of the day. This is its favorite part of the day.
1300 00:59:54,382 00:59:56,551 Its mind is engaged and it sees its little friend. Its mind is engaged and it sees its little friend.
1301 00:59:56,635 00:59:59,179 And at this point, its vocabulary is, like, crazy now. And at this point, its vocabulary is, like, crazy now.
1302 00:59:59,262 01:00:01,306 The lady shows up. The gorilla's all amped up. The lady shows up. The gorilla's all amped up.
1303 01:00:01,389 01:00:03,683 It looks at her like, "Oh, shit! It looks at her like, "Oh, shit!
1304 01:00:03,767 01:00:06,436 What's up? Yeah!" What's up? Yeah!"
1305 01:00:06,520 01:00:07,521 Right? Right?
1306 01:00:09,272 01:00:11,650 Now, I can't do sign language, Now, I can't do sign language,
1307 01:00:11,733 01:00:14,027 so you have to bear with me through the rest of this bit. so you have to bear with me through the rest of this bit.
1308 01:00:14,111 01:00:16,113 I'm gonna do the best I can, all right? I'm gonna do the best I can, all right?
1309 01:00:17,114 01:00:19,574 So the thing's like, "What's up? Yeah!" So the thing's like, "What's up? Yeah!"
1310 01:00:20,283 01:00:21,368 All right? All right?
1311 01:00:21,451 01:00:22,702 But the zookeeper lady, But the zookeeper lady,
1312 01:00:22,786 01:00:25,747 she has, like, you know, just sitting there all sad, she has, like, you know, just sitting there all sad,
1313 01:00:25,831 01:00:27,958 you know, trying to think how she's gonna tell it, you know, trying to think how she's gonna tell it,
1314 01:00:28,041 01:00:29,876 and the gorilla picked up on the vibe. and the gorilla picked up on the vibe.
1315 01:00:29,960 01:00:31,086 She's kind of like... She's kind of like...
1316 01:00:31,920 01:00:32,921 "Hello." "Hello."
1317 01:00:33,713 01:00:35,757 All of a sudden, the gorilla's energy comes down. All of a sudden, the gorilla's energy comes down.
1318 01:00:35,841 01:00:37,217 She starts looking at the lady, like... She starts looking at the lady, like...
1319 01:00:38,510 01:00:39,511 "What's uh... "What's uh...
1320 01:00:40,804 01:00:42,556 What's wrong with you?" What's wrong with you?"
1321 01:00:45,725 01:00:48,520 "Is there something that I need to know? "Is there something that I need to know?
1322 01:00:50,230 01:00:51,231 Huh?" Huh?"
1323 01:00:55,527 01:00:57,279 So the lady's sitting there, she's like, So the lady's sitting there, she's like,
1324 01:00:57,362 01:00:58,405 "Uh... "Uh...
1325 01:00:58,488 01:01:00,740 Oh, Jesus. Uh..." Oh, Jesus. Uh..."
1326 01:01:02,576 01:01:03,577 "Well... "Well...
1327 01:01:06,663 01:01:08,039 Well, the... Well, the...
1328 01:01:08,123 01:01:09,666 the kitty cat... the kitty cat...
1329 01:01:11,126 01:01:12,502 it got hit by a car... it got hit by a car...
1330 01:01:13,503 01:01:14,796 and it's fucking dead." and it's fucking dead."
1331 01:01:21,344 01:01:23,346 And the gorilla immediately took it in. And the gorilla immediately took it in.
1332 01:01:23,430 01:01:25,432 It immediately took it in. It understood. It immediately took it in. It understood.
1333 01:01:25,515 01:01:27,309 Like, its bottom lip started quivering, Like, its bottom lip started quivering,
1334 01:01:27,392 01:01:30,103 its eyes started watering up, it was signing "crying." its eyes started watering up, it was signing "crying."
1335 01:01:30,187 01:01:31,855 And later on that night, And later on that night,
1336 01:01:31,938 01:01:34,399 you could hear it crying inside of its house. you could hear it crying inside of its house.
1337 01:01:34,482 01:01:36,276 They built it a house. I don't know why. They built it a house. I don't know why.
1338 01:01:36,359 01:01:37,527 They live in trees. They live in trees.
1339 01:01:37,611 01:01:40,572 It was probably the guilt of putting the thing in fucking jail, right? It was probably the guilt of putting the thing in fucking jail, right?
1340 01:01:41,323 01:01:44,367 Whatever. It was a two-bedroom. It sounded like it was in the kitchen. Whatever. It was a two-bedroom. It sounded like it was in the kitchen.
1341 01:01:44,451 01:01:45,994 And you just hear this thing... And you just hear this thing...
1342 01:01:46,786 01:01:48,622 in this house at night, just going... in this house at night, just going...
1343 01:01:58,924 01:02:00,467 And that was the end of the video. And that was the end of the video.
1344 01:02:08,183 01:02:09,559 That was the end of the video. That was the end of the video.
1345 01:02:10,143 01:02:12,020 And, like you, I was sitting there, like, And, like you, I was sitting there, like,
1346 01:02:12,103 01:02:13,313 "What the fuck?" "What the fuck?"
1347 01:02:14,731 01:02:16,191 "You're gonna end on that?" "You're gonna end on that?"
1348 01:02:16,816 01:02:19,486 And then, literally, right in that moment, I felt my wife's head And then, literally, right in that moment, I felt my wife's head
1349 01:02:19,569 01:02:21,821 just rest on my shoulder, and she was like, just rest on my shoulder, and she was like,
1350 01:02:21,905 01:02:23,823 "That was so sad. "That was so sad.
1351 01:02:25,533 01:02:28,203 I mean, it was beautiful, but it was sad." I mean, it was beautiful, but it was sad."
1352 01:02:28,286 01:02:29,913 And I was just like, "Get off me." And I was just like, "Get off me."
1353 01:02:32,165 01:02:34,000 "Just... Just get off me." "Just... Just get off me."
1354 01:02:34,084 01:02:35,627 And I closed the laptop, And I closed the laptop,
1355 01:02:35,710 01:02:37,128 set it down on the nightstand, set it down on the nightstand,
1356 01:02:37,212 01:02:39,339 and I just got up, and I started pacing. and I just got up, and I started pacing.
1357 01:02:40,215 01:02:43,343 As this fucking rage was coming up in me, As this fucking rage was coming up in me,
1358 01:02:43,426 01:02:44,678 my wife's, like, freaking out. my wife's, like, freaking out.
1359 01:02:44,761 01:02:47,138 She's like, "What's wrong? What is wrong with you?" She's like, "What's wrong? What is wrong with you?"
1360 01:02:47,222 01:02:50,100 I'm like, "What do you mean, 'What's wrong?' That video is fucked up!" I'm like, "What do you mean, 'What's wrong?' That video is fucked up!"
1361 01:02:52,936 01:02:54,062 What is the purpose of that? What is the purpose of that?
1362 01:02:54,145 01:02:56,606 You teach a gorilla how to talk, you're shootin' the shit, You teach a gorilla how to talk, you're shootin' the shit,
1363 01:02:56,690 01:02:59,234 you get it a pet kitten and then it dies. you get it a pet kitten and then it dies.
1364 01:02:59,901 01:03:02,904 And then the gorilla cries, and it's fucking sad, and then that's it? And then the gorilla cries, and it's fucking sad, and then that's it?
1365 01:03:03,530 01:03:06,741 That's what you're leaving me with? I've got to have that in my fucking head? That's what you're leaving me with? I've got to have that in my fucking head?
1366 01:03:08,576 01:03:10,453 How is that the end of the video? How is that the end of the video?
1367 01:03:10,537 01:03:12,414 Somebody, for fuck's sake, tell me. Somebody, for fuck's sake, tell me.
1368 01:03:12,497 01:03:15,000 Dude, that gorilla understood the concept of death. Dude, that gorilla understood the concept of death.
1369 01:03:15,083 01:03:19,337 If it understands the concept of death, it understands its own captivity. Okay? If it understands the concept of death, it understands its own captivity. Okay?
1370 01:03:19,421 01:03:20,964 So it never dawned on that lady, So it never dawned on that lady,
1371 01:03:21,047 01:03:23,174 that whole time she's shootin' the shit with him, that whole time she's shootin' the shit with him,
1372 01:03:23,258 01:03:26,094 it never dawned on her to sign to the thing, like, "Hey." it never dawned on her to sign to the thing, like, "Hey."
1373 01:03:26,845 01:03:29,889 Like, "Do you want to get the fuck out of here?" Like, "Do you want to get the fuck out of here?"
1374 01:03:31,474 01:03:33,685 "Do you hate it in here? "Do you hate it in here?
1375 01:03:33,768 01:03:35,478 Do you want to fucking kill us... Do you want to fucking kill us...
1376 01:03:36,438 01:03:38,106 for sticking you in here, for sticking you in here,
1377 01:03:38,189 01:03:40,859 away from your friends in the jungle?" away from your friends in the jungle?"
1378 01:03:40,942 01:03:42,652 And the thing would be like, "Yeah!" And the thing would be like, "Yeah!"
1379 01:03:43,320 01:03:47,365 "Yeah, please get me out. I beg of you! "Yeah, please get me out. I beg of you!
1380 01:03:47,449 01:03:49,784 It fucking sucks in here!" It fucking sucks in here!"
1381 01:03:52,454 01:03:54,956 Right? And then you could have brainstormed, right? Right? And then you could have brainstormed, right?
1382 01:03:55,040 01:03:57,709 Like, "Okay, I'm gonna get you out of here." Like, "Okay, I'm gonna get you out of here."
1383 01:03:57,792 01:04:00,253 The only bad part would be you'd have to deal with the gorilla The only bad part would be you'd have to deal with the gorilla
1384 01:04:00,337 01:04:02,422 and its crazy fucking gorilla idea. and its crazy fucking gorilla idea.
1385 01:04:02,505 01:04:04,883 You know, like brainstorming its escape plan. You know, like brainstorming its escape plan.
1386 01:04:04,966 01:04:07,510 The gorilla would be like, "Okay, we'll get a bunch of bananas. The gorilla would be like, "Okay, we'll get a bunch of bananas.
1387 01:04:07,594 01:04:09,304 We'll throw 'em and distract 'em, We'll throw 'em and distract 'em,
1388 01:04:09,387 01:04:11,556 and then we'll climb out just using our arms." and then we'll climb out just using our arms."
1389 01:04:11,639 01:04:14,851 You literally just have to sit there, going, like, "Okay. Okay. You literally just have to sit there, going, like, "Okay. Okay.
1390 01:04:14,934 01:04:16,144 Uh... Uh...
1391 01:04:16,227 01:04:20,398 Not... Not trying to be a dick, but... Not... Not trying to be a dick, but...
1392 01:04:22,025 01:04:24,694 I have a better idea. I have a better idea.
1393 01:04:25,320 01:04:28,615 No, no, no. No disrespect to you. Okay?" No, no, no. No disrespect to you. Okay?"
1394 01:04:31,034 01:04:34,329 "But I'm gonna go to Big & Tall. "But I'm gonna go to Big & Tall.
1395 01:04:35,163 01:04:36,873 I'm gonna get a jacket, a hat, I'm gonna get a jacket, a hat,
1396 01:04:36,956 01:04:38,750 and some fucked-up-looking shoes. and some fucked-up-looking shoes.
1397 01:04:39,417 01:04:41,419 Okay? And what I need from you... Okay? And what I need from you...
1398 01:04:42,504 01:04:43,838 What I need from you, okay... What I need from you, okay...
1399 01:04:43,922 01:04:46,174 What I need from you is you've got to lay off this shit. What I need from you is you've got to lay off this shit.
1400 01:04:46,257 01:04:48,510 All right? No more of this. All right? No more of this.
1401 01:04:49,219 01:04:51,679 Okay? No, no disrespect. Okay? Okay? No, no disrespect. Okay?
1402 01:04:52,514 01:04:55,934 I need you... I need you to man up, all right? I need you... I need you to man up, all right?
1403 01:04:56,017 01:04:57,185 Stand up straight. Stand up straight.
1404 01:04:57,894 01:04:59,479 Arm down. Stand up straight. Arm down. Stand up straight.
1405 01:04:59,562 01:05:01,648 Here's the difficult part, right here, okay? Here's the difficult part, right here, okay?
1406 01:05:01,731 01:05:03,983 Left hand, right foot; Left hand, right foot;
1407 01:05:04,067 01:05:05,944 right hand, left foot. right hand, left foot.
1408 01:05:06,027 01:05:07,028 You got it? You got it?
1409 01:05:07,112 01:05:08,822 Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam.
1410 01:05:09,864 01:05:11,032 All right? All right?
1411 01:05:11,116 01:05:12,867 You get that shit down, You get that shit down,
1412 01:05:12,951 01:05:15,286 I'll get you out of here in ten days. I'll get you out of here in ten days.
1413 01:05:16,162 01:05:17,163 Cool? Cool?
1414 01:05:17,956 01:05:19,582 It's gonna be okay. Deal. It's gonna be okay. Deal.
1415 01:05:19,666 01:05:20,875 Fuck! All right." Fuck! All right."
1416 01:05:22,544 01:05:23,795 "See you in ten days, right?" "See you in ten days, right?"
1417 01:05:25,255 01:05:28,049 So, like, the first day, the gorilla's sitting there, going, "Okay. So, like, the first day, the gorilla's sitting there, going, "Okay.
1418 01:05:28,716 01:05:29,717 Okay." Okay."
1419 01:05:49,446 01:05:51,489 "No. No, no, no. No. No." "No. No, no, no. No. No."
1420 01:06:07,714 01:06:08,715 "Okay. Okay." "Okay. Okay."
1421 01:06:15,638 01:06:17,056 "Yes!" "Yes!"
1422 01:06:25,732 01:06:26,733 "Fuck!" "Fuck!"
1423 01:06:31,404 01:06:32,822 So that's the first day. So that's the first day.
1424 01:06:33,656 01:06:36,117 That's day one, but the gorilla keeps working at it, right? That's day one, but the gorilla keeps working at it, right?
1425 01:06:36,201 01:06:38,161 Like, day two - day two it's kind of getting... Like, day two - day two it's kind of getting...
1426 01:06:38,244 01:06:39,704 Day three, day five, Day three, day five,
1427 01:06:39,787 01:06:41,206 day seven, day nine, day ten. day seven, day nine, day ten.
1428 01:06:41,289 01:06:43,833 "I'm doing it! I'm fucking doing it!" "I'm doing it! I'm fucking doing it!"
1429 01:06:44,667 01:06:47,795 Then she could have came back and broke that gorilla out of jail, right? Then she could have came back and broke that gorilla out of jail, right?
1430 01:06:47,879 01:06:51,341 Show up at night. "You're doing it!" Put on the jacket, hat. "Come on!" Show up at night. "You're doing it!" Put on the jacket, hat. "Come on!"
1431 01:06:51,424 01:06:53,843 You take him down to the car, the only way to get him back. You take him down to the car, the only way to get him back.
1432 01:06:53,927 01:06:56,221 You've got to take it by car down to the harbor. You've got to take it by car down to the harbor.
1433 01:06:56,304 01:06:59,891 That's the only way to get it back to the jungle. You can't go to the airport. That's the only way to get it back to the jungle. You can't go to the airport.
1434 01:07:00,767 01:07:04,020 You can't go to the airport, going through that fucking security. You can't go to the airport, going through that fucking security.
1435 01:07:04,103 01:07:05,522 Right? Right?
1436 01:07:07,106 01:07:10,026 Once he takes his shoes off and that thumb comes sticking out, Once he takes his shoes off and that thumb comes sticking out,
1437 01:07:10,109 01:07:11,611 it's fucking over! it's fucking over!
1438 01:07:11,694 01:07:12,862 It's over. It's over.
1439 01:07:12,946 01:07:14,906 You keep it below deck. You keep it below deck.
1440 01:07:14,989 01:07:17,492 You keep the fucking thing below deck You keep the fucking thing below deck
1441 01:07:17,575 01:07:19,536 until you get out to international waters. until you get out to international waters.
1442 01:07:19,619 01:07:20,745 Then you're fine. Then you're fine.
1443 01:07:20,828 01:07:22,080 It's captain's law. It's captain's law.
1444 01:07:22,163 01:07:24,832 "Come aboard," right? And have the thing sit down. "Come aboard," right? And have the thing sit down.
1445 01:07:24,916 01:07:27,919 Other boats going by are looking at you, like, "Is that a gorilla?" Other boats going by are looking at you, like, "Is that a gorilla?"
1446 01:07:28,002 01:07:31,047 "Yeah. What have you got, blood diamonds? Go fuck yourself!" "Yeah. What have you got, blood diamonds? Go fuck yourself!"
1447 01:07:32,590 01:07:34,592 "Fucking sex slaves? Get out of here! "Fucking sex slaves? Get out of here!
1448 01:07:35,593 01:07:38,429 I'll have him come aboard and rip that mask right off!" I'll have him come aboard and rip that mask right off!"
1449 01:07:39,472 01:07:41,182 And you're just hanging with the gorilla. And you're just hanging with the gorilla.
1450 01:07:41,266 01:07:44,352 You get to have that experience of seeing the thing free for the first time. You get to have that experience of seeing the thing free for the first time.
1451 01:07:44,435 01:07:46,854 As it comes over the horizon, it finally sees the jungle. As it comes over the horizon, it finally sees the jungle.
1452 01:07:46,938 01:07:50,149 It's getting all excited. It jumps off the boat, it's rolling in the sand. It's getting all excited. It jumps off the boat, it's rolling in the sand.
1453 01:07:50,233 01:07:53,903 "Buddy, we did it! Don't fuck up the coat, I've got to bring it back. We did it! "Buddy, we did it! Don't fuck up the coat, I've got to bring it back. We did it!
1454 01:07:53,987 01:07:57,156 All right, I love you. I'll miss you. Get out of here before they see you." All right, I love you. I'll miss you. Get out of here before they see you."
1455 01:07:57,240 01:07:59,492 The thing runs right to the edge of the jungle The thing runs right to the edge of the jungle
1456 01:07:59,576 01:08:01,494 and it just... disappears. and it just... disappears.
1457 01:08:02,495 01:08:03,496 "It did it. "It did it.
1458 01:08:04,247 01:08:06,374 I knew it. He wanted to go see his friends, man. I knew it. He wanted to go see his friends, man.
1459 01:08:06,457 01:08:08,751 He wanted to be free. It's gonna be fucking great. He wanted to be free. It's gonna be fucking great.
1460 01:08:08,835 01:08:11,588 He's gonna go meet his buddies, he's gonna talk to his friends now, He's gonna go meet his buddies, he's gonna talk to his friends now,
1461 01:08:11,671 01:08:13,047 like he should be, right? like he should be, right?
1462 01:08:14,966 01:08:15,967 He's, uh... He's, uh...
1463 01:08:17,010 01:08:18,720 He's gonna go talk to his friends." He's gonna go talk to his friends."
1464 01:08:23,224 01:08:25,768 "He'll... probably teach them how to talk." "He'll... probably teach them how to talk."
1465 01:08:30,106 01:08:31,274 "Then, of course... "Then, of course...
1466 01:08:32,775 01:08:34,319 they'll probably get horses. they'll probably get horses.
1467 01:08:36,070 01:08:37,905 Did I just start Planet of the fucking Apes? Did I just start Planet of the fucking Apes?
1468 01:08:37,989 01:08:40,742 He's gonna teach his friends how to talk and get horses? He's gonna teach his friends how to talk and get horses?
1469 01:08:40,825 01:08:42,619 Dude, I gotta kill this fucking thing! Dude, I gotta kill this fucking thing!
1470 01:08:43,369 01:08:45,830 I gotta kill it. I fucked up. I gotta kill it. Sorry. I gotta kill it. I fucked up. I gotta kill it. Sorry.
1471 01:08:45,913 01:08:48,374 Where's my Glock? Where the fuck is my Glock?! Where is it? Where's my Glock? Where the fuck is my Glock?! Where is it?
1472 01:08:48,458 01:08:50,668 It was right here! It was right here! Fuck!" It was right here! It was right here! Fuck!"
1473 01:08:50,752 01:08:52,879 Got a little six shooter. "Fuck it, I'll take this." Got a little six shooter. "Fuck it, I'll take this."
1474 01:08:52,962 01:08:55,882 You run into the jungle, but it's a gorilla, so it's long gone. You run into the jungle, but it's a gorilla, so it's long gone.
1475 01:08:55,965 01:08:58,843 But you can't give up, man. All of society's gonna go down on you. But you can't give up, man. All of society's gonna go down on you.
1476 01:08:58,926 01:09:00,219 You've got to kill this thing. You've got to kill this thing.
1477 01:09:00,303 01:09:02,805 So you're just trudging through the jungle for months. So you're just trudging through the jungle for months.
1478 01:09:02,889 01:09:04,432 You get six, seven months in, You get six, seven months in,
1479 01:09:04,515 01:09:06,184 you've got, like, malaria, you've got, like, malaria,
1480 01:09:06,267 01:09:07,935 you're about ready to give up. you're about ready to give up.
1481 01:09:09,646 01:09:12,690 And out of nowhere, your buddy just jumps down, just like... And out of nowhere, your buddy just jumps down, just like...
1482 01:09:13,274 01:09:14,609 "Oh, shit! "Oh, shit!
1483 01:09:14,692 01:09:16,986 What the fuck are you doing here?" What the fuck are you doing here?"
1484 01:09:19,781 01:09:21,741 Then you just pull out your six shooter. Then you just pull out your six shooter.
1485 01:09:24,535 01:09:25,536 "I'm sorry, buddy. "I'm sorry, buddy.
1486 01:09:26,829 01:09:27,830 I gotta do it." I gotta do it."
1487 01:09:28,456 01:09:29,832 The gorilla would be like, The gorilla would be like,
1488 01:09:29,916 01:09:30,917 "But... "But...
1489 01:09:32,335 01:09:34,796 I... I thought we were friends. I... I thought we were friends.
1490 01:09:36,714 01:09:37,799 Why?" Why?"
1491 01:09:39,717 01:09:40,885 "Well, you know, 'cause... "Well, you know, 'cause...
1492 01:09:41,552 01:09:43,554 'cause Jesus wanted it that way, you know?" 'cause Jesus wanted it that way, you know?"
1493 01:09:45,848 01:09:48,101 "There's this whole book. He made us in his image. "There's this whole book. He made us in his image.
1494 01:09:48,184 01:09:51,229 We're just, you know... We're better than you, you know? We're just, you know... We're better than you, you know?
1495 01:09:51,854 01:09:53,898 Sorry, I can't have you talking to other chimps Sorry, I can't have you talking to other chimps
1496 01:09:53,981 01:09:56,192 and then you tear down the Statue of Liberty." and then you tear down the Statue of Liberty."
1497 01:09:57,527 01:09:59,320 "Everyone's gonna think I'm an asshole. "Everyone's gonna think I'm an asshole.
1498 01:10:01,531 01:10:02,907 Look, I'll make it quick." Look, I'll make it quick."
1499 01:10:02,990 01:10:04,617 And right as you go to pull the trigger, And right as you go to pull the trigger,
1500 01:10:04,701 01:10:06,828 the gorilla pulls out that Glock you couldn't find. the gorilla pulls out that Glock you couldn't find.
1501 01:10:25,930 01:10:27,014 "I just... "I just...
1502 01:10:27,098 01:10:28,558 I just want to know one thing. I just want to know one thing.
1503 01:10:30,768 01:10:31,936 How did you know?" How did you know?"
1504 01:10:35,231 01:10:36,566 "You knew before I knew." "You knew before I knew."
1505 01:10:40,445 01:10:42,029 I don't have an ending for this. I don't have an ending for this.
1506 01:10:45,950 01:10:46,951 I don't. I don't.
1507 01:10:48,119 01:10:49,954 And in a weird way, And in a weird way,
1508 01:10:50,037 01:10:51,414 now you know how I felt.. now you know how I felt..
1509 01:10:52,331 01:10:53,750 when I watched that video. when I watched that video.
1510 01:10:55,668 01:10:58,296 You know what it was? You know what it was? You know what it was? You know what it was?
1511 01:10:59,380 01:11:01,174 I did that joke all around the country, I did that joke all around the country,
1512 01:11:01,257 01:11:03,551 all right, and the gorilla always died, all right, and the gorilla always died,
1513 01:11:03,634 01:11:05,094 'cause Jesus wanted it that way... 'cause Jesus wanted it that way...
1514 01:11:05,178 01:11:07,138 and that was it. and that was it.
1515 01:11:07,221 01:11:09,223 And it fucking bombed And it fucking bombed
1516 01:11:09,307 01:11:12,143 in every goddamn city in this country in every goddamn city in this country
1517 01:11:12,226 01:11:14,270 except for Dallas, Texas. except for Dallas, Texas.
1518 01:11:14,353 01:11:16,939 That was the only place where they got it. That was the only place where they got it.
1519 01:11:17,023 01:11:18,524 And I'm not shitting on Texas. And I'm not shitting on Texas.
1520 01:11:18,608 01:11:20,151 It bombed in Houston, Austin, It bombed in Houston, Austin,
1521 01:11:20,234 01:11:21,944 El Paso, San Antonio. El Paso, San Antonio.
1522 01:11:22,028 01:11:24,781 Killed in Dallas. They are the only ones who got it. Killed in Dallas. They are the only ones who got it.
1523 01:11:24,864 01:11:27,158 They were like, "Hey, man, you did what you had to do. They were like, "Hey, man, you did what you had to do.
1524 01:11:27,867 01:11:30,077 You did what you had to do, man." You did what you had to do, man."
1525 01:11:30,161 01:11:32,747 "I mean, I loved that gorilla, too, but goddamnit, "I mean, I loved that gorilla, too, but goddamnit,
1526 01:11:32,830 01:11:35,958 you cannot have two species working together. you cannot have two species working together.
1527 01:11:37,919 01:11:41,464 I tell you right now, you get a couple of gorillas on a bareback horse I tell you right now, you get a couple of gorillas on a bareback horse
1528 01:11:41,547 01:11:45,051 with a single bolt action rifle, that is the end of society as we know it." with a single bolt action rifle, that is the end of society as we know it."
1529 01:11:46,719 01:11:48,679 "You should get a hypothetical medal... "You should get a hypothetical medal...
1530 01:11:49,180 01:11:51,599 for killing that gorilla, hypothetically." for killing that gorilla, hypothetically."
1531 01:11:53,267 01:11:55,144 So... All right. So... All right.
1532 01:11:55,978 01:11:58,481 I'm gonna end with a quick little story here, okay? I'm gonna end with a quick little story here, okay?
1533 01:11:59,106 01:12:01,359 They're always talking about how to make a woman happy, They're always talking about how to make a woman happy,
1534 01:12:01,442 01:12:04,445 but they don't do it enough to help you guys out how to make a man happy. but they don't do it enough to help you guys out how to make a man happy.
1535 01:12:04,529 01:12:06,989 The great thing about men is we're fucking simple. The great thing about men is we're fucking simple.
1536 01:12:07,073 01:12:08,407 We're fucking simple, okay? We're fucking simple, okay?
1537 01:12:08,491 01:12:10,535 So here's the thing. You want to make a guy happy? So here's the thing. You want to make a guy happy?
1538 01:12:10,618 01:12:13,538 If you're with a good guy, okay, this is all you've got to do, okay? If you're with a good guy, okay, this is all you've got to do, okay?
1539 01:12:13,621 01:12:16,374 How about four times a year, once a season... How about four times a year, once a season...
1540 01:12:19,877 01:12:21,003 you go out to the kitchen. you go out to the kitchen.
1541 01:12:21,087 01:12:24,549 Without him saying shit, you make a sandwich, you get him a beer, Without him saying shit, you make a sandwich, you get him a beer,
1542 01:12:24,632 01:12:27,093 you walk out, you give it to him, you don't say a word, you walk out, you give it to him, you don't say a word,
1543 01:12:27,176 01:12:28,511 and you just fucking leave. and you just fucking leave.
1544 01:12:32,348 01:12:33,683 That's all you've got to do. That's all you've got to do.
1545 01:12:34,767 01:12:37,603 Every three months, you do that, you'll keep him happy. Every three months, you do that, you'll keep him happy.
1546 01:12:37,687 01:12:38,688 That's all it takes. That's all it takes.
1547 01:12:38,771 01:12:41,023 I know right out of the gate this is coming off sexist, I know right out of the gate this is coming off sexist,
1548 01:12:41,107 01:12:44,318 because I'm saying, "Go out in the kitchen. Make your man a sandwich." because I'm saying, "Go out in the kitchen. Make your man a sandwich."
1549 01:12:44,402 01:12:46,863 I'm not saying women belong in the kitchen, I'm not saying women belong in the kitchen,
1550 01:12:46,946 01:12:49,240 barefoot and pregnant, rubbing my balls. barefoot and pregnant, rubbing my balls.
1551 01:12:49,323 01:12:50,408 I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that.
1552 01:12:52,326 01:12:53,327 Okay? Okay?
1553 01:12:54,412 01:12:56,789 I'm just saying, women, go in the kitchen. I'm just saying, women, go in the kitchen.
1554 01:12:56,873 01:13:00,877 Just go in the kitchen four times in a year, make a sandwich. Just go in the kitchen four times in a year, make a sandwich.
1555 01:13:00,960 01:13:02,211 A toddler could do that. A toddler could do that.
1556 01:13:02,879 01:13:03,921 Just put it together. Just put it together.
1557 01:13:04,422 01:13:07,466 Grab two slices of pre-made, pre-sliced bread, Grab two slices of pre-made, pre-sliced bread,
1558 01:13:07,550 01:13:09,385 two handfuls of pre-murdered meat. two handfuls of pre-murdered meat.
1559 01:13:10,177 01:13:11,470 Put a little mustard on it. Put a little mustard on it.
1560 01:13:11,554 01:13:12,930 Grab a beer, walk out, Grab a beer, walk out,
1561 01:13:13,014 01:13:15,808 just hand it to him, don't say shit, and then fucking leave. just hand it to him, don't say shit, and then fucking leave.
1562 01:13:15,892 01:13:17,101 When I say leave, I mean leave. When I say leave, I mean leave.
1563 01:13:17,184 01:13:19,979 I don't mean walk into another room for, like, ten minutes I don't mean walk into another room for, like, ten minutes
1564 01:13:20,062 01:13:21,689 and then stick your head back and be like, and then stick your head back and be like,
1565 01:13:21,772 01:13:23,316 "Did you like it? Was it good? "Did you like it? Was it good?
1566 01:13:23,399 01:13:25,860 Great, because downstairs we need to... Great, because downstairs we need to...
1567 01:13:25,943 01:13:29,196 Don't yell at me! I just made you a sandwich!" Don't yell at me! I just made you a sandwich!"
1568 01:13:30,114 01:13:31,365 I don't mean that. I mean leave. I don't mean that. I mean leave.
1569 01:13:31,449 01:13:33,910 Get in the car and fucking get out of here. Get in the car and fucking get out of here.
1570 01:13:33,993 01:13:36,954 Take the kids, drive down the street. Take the kids, drive down the street.
1571 01:13:37,038 01:13:39,165 Go see Lord Of The Rings a couple of times, Go see Lord Of The Rings a couple of times,
1572 01:13:39,248 01:13:43,252 and leave your man in the stunned silence of what you just did. and leave your man in the stunned silence of what you just did.
1573 01:13:44,003 01:13:46,380 If you ever want to see your guy get emotional, If you ever want to see your guy get emotional,
1574 01:13:46,464 01:13:50,927 to see a man get emotional, you make him a fucking sandwich that he didn't ask for. to see a man get emotional, you make him a fucking sandwich that he didn't ask for.
1575 01:13:51,010 01:13:54,180 I'm telling you, he's gonna have to dry the tears with the bread. I'm telling you, he's gonna have to dry the tears with the bread.
1576 01:13:55,181 01:13:56,974 He's gonna be so shocked, like... He's gonna be so shocked, like...
1577 01:13:57,642 01:13:58,851 "You made this for me? "You made this for me?
1578 01:13:59,852 01:14:01,479 And I didn't even ask. And I didn't even ask.
1579 01:14:02,438 01:14:03,481 Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
1580 01:14:06,609 01:14:08,569 I think she still gives a fuck!" I think she still gives a fuck!"
1581 01:14:10,613 01:14:11,614 Yeah. Yeah.
1582 01:14:11,697 01:14:14,825 Quick story. Me and my wife bought a house in 2011. Quick story. Me and my wife bought a house in 2011.
1583 01:14:14,909 01:14:17,244 And by "me and my wife" I mean I paid for it. And by "me and my wife" I mean I paid for it.
1584 01:14:17,328 01:14:18,788 Right? Right?
1585 01:14:20,539 01:14:21,832 She hates that joke, She hates that joke,
1586 01:14:21,916 01:14:23,084 but I don't give a shit. but I don't give a shit.
1587 01:14:23,918 01:14:26,337 It's true. And she's always breaking my balls. It's true. And she's always breaking my balls.
1588 01:14:26,420 01:14:29,298 "Don't put your shoes over here. They belong over there." "Don't put your shoes over here. They belong over there."
1589 01:14:29,382 01:14:32,176 "Yeah? Well, I bought over there, and I bought over here, "Yeah? Well, I bought over there, and I bought over here,
1590 01:14:32,259 01:14:34,387 so I'll put my fucking shoes so I'll put my fucking shoes
1591 01:14:34,470 01:14:35,596 wherever I want to. wherever I want to.
1592 01:14:37,306 01:14:38,933 Oh, shirt's coming off! Oh, shirt's coming off!
1593 01:14:39,016 01:14:40,226 Where's it going?" Where's it going?"
1594 01:14:41,143 01:14:42,144 Right? Right?
1595 01:14:44,772 01:14:45,815 So we get into the house. So we get into the house.
1596 01:14:45,898 01:14:47,733 She's scoping it out, because she's smart. She's scoping it out, because she's smart.
1597 01:14:47,817 01:14:50,361 She's finding the rooms that get sun, checking closet space. She's finding the rooms that get sun, checking closet space.
1598 01:14:50,444 01:14:52,571 Me, like an idiot, I want to check out the garage. Me, like an idiot, I want to check out the garage.
1599 01:14:52,655 01:14:54,281 For whatever reason, I'm drawn to this. For whatever reason, I'm drawn to this.
1600 01:14:54,365 01:14:57,576 And I go down, I open the door, and the last people hadn't cleaned it out. And I go down, I open the door, and the last people hadn't cleaned it out.
1601 01:14:57,660 01:15:00,329 There was a busted refrigerator, an old file cabinet, There was a busted refrigerator, an old file cabinet,
1602 01:15:00,413 01:15:02,456 an ab-roller, something from a luau. an ab-roller, something from a luau.
1603 01:15:02,540 01:15:05,584 There were like seven failed businesses in this goddamn thing, There were like seven failed businesses in this goddamn thing,
1604 01:15:05,668 01:15:09,130 and I gotta start lugging this shit out in, like, 90-degree weather, and I gotta start lugging this shit out in, like, 90-degree weather,
1605 01:15:09,213 01:15:12,383 as a redhead, hating my life, right? as a redhead, hating my life, right?
1606 01:15:12,466 01:15:15,094 I got three hours into this job, my forearms were cut, I got three hours into this job, my forearms were cut,
1607 01:15:15,177 01:15:17,054 I had dirt, sweat, cobwebs all over me. I had dirt, sweat, cobwebs all over me.
1608 01:15:17,138 01:15:19,432 I wanted to burn down this fucking house. I wanted to burn down this fucking house.
1609 01:15:19,515 01:15:20,599 I was ready to leave. I was ready to leave.
1610 01:15:20,683 01:15:22,518 But out of nowhere, my wife showed up, But out of nowhere, my wife showed up,
1611 01:15:22,601 01:15:25,229 big smile on her face, and she had made me a sandwich. big smile on her face, and she had made me a sandwich.
1612 01:15:25,896 01:15:27,732 Cut it in half diagonally, Cut it in half diagonally,
1613 01:15:27,815 01:15:29,525 which is love, right? which is love, right?
1614 01:15:30,234 01:15:32,695 If they don't cut it in half, they might as well frisbee it. If they don't cut it in half, they might as well frisbee it.
1615 01:15:32,778 01:15:34,655 "Here you go, you fucking piece of shit. "Here you go, you fucking piece of shit.
1616 01:15:35,740 01:15:37,158 Hose yourself off! Hose yourself off!
1617 01:15:37,241 01:15:38,743 You should live out here! You should live out here!
1618 01:15:38,826 01:15:40,911 You should live out here!" Right? You should live out here!" Right?
1619 01:15:41,537 01:15:42,913 Cut it in half diagonally, Cut it in half diagonally,
1620 01:15:42,997 01:15:44,623 poured Fritos in the middle, poured Fritos in the middle,
1621 01:15:44,707 01:15:46,542 and gave me an ice-cold beer. and gave me an ice-cold beer.
1622 01:15:46,625 01:15:48,502 She did that five years ago. She did that five years ago.
1623 01:15:49,211 01:15:53,007 Do you know, to this day, every once in a while, I still think about that sandwich. Do you know, to this day, every once in a while, I still think about that sandwich.
1624 01:15:53,090 01:15:54,884 It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable.
1625 01:15:54,967 01:15:58,471 It just pops in my head like this fond memory. It just pops in my head like this fond memory.
1626 01:15:58,554 01:16:00,431 I'll just be by myself, talking in the car. I'll just be by myself, talking in the car.
1627 01:16:00,514 01:16:04,018 "Remember that time she made me a sandwich? It was unbelievable! "Remember that time she made me a sandwich? It was unbelievable!
1628 01:16:04,560 01:16:08,689 She cut it in half, Fritos, an ice-cold beer. I felt like a king!" She cut it in half, Fritos, an ice-cold beer. I felt like a king!"
1629 01:16:09,899 01:16:12,651 That's all it takes. You know what it felt like at that moment? That's all it takes. You know what it felt like at that moment?
1630 01:16:12,735 01:16:15,237 You remember that movie Shawshank Redemption? You remember that movie Shawshank Redemption?
1631 01:16:15,988 01:16:19,575 You know that scene where the prisoners are drinking the beer on the rooftop You know that scene where the prisoners are drinking the beer on the rooftop
1632 01:16:19,658 01:16:20,951 with the sun in their face? with the sun in their face?
1633 01:16:21,035 01:16:22,286 That's what it felt like. That's what it felt like.
1634 01:16:23,496 01:16:24,830 The only thing missing The only thing missing
1635 01:16:24,914 01:16:28,167 was Morgan Freeman's voice narrating over the top, was Morgan Freeman's voice narrating over the top,
1636 01:16:28,250 01:16:31,378 "And for 20 minutes, Bill Burr felt like a free man." "And for 20 minutes, Bill Burr felt like a free man."
1637 01:16:32,046 01:16:34,632 All right, I'm out of time. You guys were so awesome. All right, I'm out of time. You guys were so awesome.
1638 01:16:34,715 01:16:36,300 Thank you so, so much for coming out. Thank you so, so much for coming out.
1639 01:16:38,302 01:16:39,887 Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
1640 01:16:43,057 01:16:45,309 I really had a great time. Thank you so much. I really had a great time. Thank you so much.