# Start End Original Translated
1 00:00:02,980 00:00:06,740 This programme contains very strong language This programme contains very strong language
2 00:00:06,740 00:00:09,100 Thank you so much. It was nothing, Phil. My pleasure. Thank you so much. It was nothing, Phil. My pleasure.
3 00:00:09,100 00:00:11,380 I don't know how we would've managed all this without you. I don't know how we would've managed all this without you.
4 00:00:11,380 00:00:13,300 Like I say ad infinitum these days, Like I say ad infinitum these days,
5 00:00:13,300 00:00:15,260 I just want to try and help. I just want to try and help.
6 00:00:15,260 00:00:17,220 "Change the bloody record, Andrew!" "Change the bloody record, Andrew!"
7 00:00:17,220 00:00:20,060 No, no, don't ever change the record. You're a wonder. No, no, don't ever change the record. You're a wonder.
8 00:00:20,060 00:00:21,940 Like the son we never had. Like the son we never had.
9 00:00:21,940 00:00:24,580 Not that we ever wished Alison had been a boy. Not that we ever wished Alison had been a boy.
10 00:00:24,580 00:00:26,940 Well, we did a bit. Now, come on. Well, we did a bit. Now, come on.
11 00:00:26,940 00:00:29,220 We thought, when Alison married Stephen, We thought, when Alison married Stephen,
12 00:00:29,220 00:00:30,740 he might be the son we never had. he might be the son we never had.
13 00:00:30,740 00:00:33,300 But he wasn't really son-we-never-had material. But he wasn't really son-we-never-had material.
14 00:00:33,300 00:00:35,580 Handshake like a Victorian doll. Handshake like a Victorian doll.
15 00:00:35,580 00:00:38,460 Not like you, bloody Action Man. Not like you, bloody Action Man.
16 00:00:38,460 00:00:41,020 Not to be impolite, but he's a cack-handed Herbert. Not to be impolite, but he's a cack-handed Herbert.
17 00:00:41,020 00:00:43,660 You know, I feel I ought to stand up for Stephen. And Alison. You know, I feel I ought to stand up for Stephen. And Alison.
18 00:00:43,660 00:00:48,020 They're both fine, caring people, and Alison loves you very much. They're both fine, caring people, and Alison loves you very much.
19 00:00:48,020 00:00:49,980 Aw. That's just the kind of goodness Aw. That's just the kind of goodness
20 00:00:49,980 00:00:52,260 we've always come to expect from you. Yes. we've always come to expect from you. Yes.
21 00:00:52,260 00:00:53,900 We've never been happier. No. We've never been happier. No.
22 00:00:53,900 00:00:55,660 And that's down to you. And that's down to you.
23 00:00:55,660 00:00:57,620 You've given us a jolly good shake. You've given us a jolly good shake.
24 00:00:57,620 00:00:59,980 Awoken us from a troubled dream. Yeah. Awoken us from a troubled dream. Yeah.
25 00:00:59,980 00:01:03,780 I'm truly humbled, guys, but I didn't do this. I'm truly humbled, guys, but I didn't do this.
26 00:01:03,780 00:01:06,340 You did this. Aw. This is your decision. You did this. Aw. This is your decision.
27 00:01:12,100 00:01:13,620 We should call Alison. We should call Alison.
28 00:01:13,620 00:01:15,460 You probably should, yes. You probably should, yes.
29 00:01:26,220 00:01:28,980 ON RADIO: And we'll have Tim with the traffic update after this. ON RADIO: And we'll have Tim with the traffic update after this.
30 00:01:28,980 00:01:31,940 DANCE MUSIC PLAYS DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
31 00:01:57,620 00:01:59,660 BIRDSONG BIRDSONG
32 00:01:59,660 00:02:01,860 Oh, ooh. Oh, ooh.
33 00:02:05,300 00:02:06,900 Woo! Woo!
34 00:02:06,900 00:02:09,100 BANGING ON DOOR BANGING ON DOOR
35 00:02:10,460 00:02:12,740 Geoff. Geoff. What's up, mate? Geoff. Geoff. What's up, mate?
36 00:02:12,740 00:02:14,060 He's fucked me! He's fucked me!
37 00:02:14,060 00:02:15,580 My husband has fucked me! My husband has fucked me!
38 00:02:15,580 00:02:18,420 Luca? No, I never want to hear that name again. Luca? No, I never want to hear that name again.
39 00:02:18,420 00:02:19,940 Consider him redacted, Geoff. Consider him redacted, Geoff.
40 00:02:19,940 00:02:22,260 When you say he's fucked you... Fucked me over, I mean. When you say he's fucked you... Fucked me over, I mean.
41 00:02:22,260 00:02:24,300 Over in the fucking clover. Over in the fucking clover.
42 00:02:24,300 00:02:28,300 He's straight, I'm straight, but he's straight-up fucked me. He's straight, I'm straight, but he's straight-up fucked me.
43 00:02:28,300 00:02:29,860 One of everything, Mike. One of everything, Mike.
44 00:02:29,860 00:02:31,660 I'm going to drink like it's a job I'm going to drink like it's a job
45 00:02:31,660 00:02:34,500 and not stop till I piss blood. and not stop till I piss blood.
46 00:02:34,500 00:02:38,300 So what happened, Geoff? With...Man X. So what happened, Geoff? With...Man X.
47 00:02:38,300 00:02:39,820 He's stolen my savings He's stolen my savings
48 00:02:39,820 00:02:44,060 and online auctioned all my farm machinery. and online auctioned all my farm machinery.
49 00:02:45,300 00:02:48,300 He got grants to re-green my land He got grants to re-green my land
50 00:02:48,300 00:02:50,780 and then bought himself a fucking Audi! and then bought himself a fucking Audi!
51 00:02:52,340 00:02:55,380 I married him so he could stay in this country. I married him so he could stay in this country.
52 00:02:55,380 00:02:59,140 Turns out, he's already got settled status. Turns out, he's already got settled status.
53 00:02:59,140 00:03:01,060 SHE GASPS, GEOFF GULPS SHE GASPS, GEOFF GULPS
54 00:03:01,060 00:03:04,300 He's made a sham of our fake marriage! He's made a sham of our fake marriage!
55 00:03:04,300 00:03:06,100 And you didn't even suspect what he was up to? And you didn't even suspect what he was up to?
56 00:03:06,100 00:03:07,780 I trust too much. I trust too much.
57 00:03:07,780 00:03:11,780 I'm too fucking nice is my problem. I'm too fucking nice is my problem.
58 00:03:11,780 00:03:13,100 Yeah. Yeah.
59 00:03:13,100 00:03:14,500 Yeah, way too nice. Yeah, way too nice.
60 00:03:14,500 00:03:17,740 I need to drink to forget, and then, when I've forgotten, I need to drink to forget, and then, when I've forgotten,
61 00:03:17,740 00:03:20,020 I need to drink till I remember again. I need to drink till I remember again.
62 00:03:20,020 00:03:22,380 And then drink till I forget And then drink till I forget
63 00:03:22,380 00:03:25,420 why I'm remembering to drink to forget. why I'm remembering to drink to forget.
64 00:03:28,180 00:03:30,140 That'll be £57.60, Geoff. That'll be £57.60, Geoff.
65 00:03:30,140 00:03:32,340 I'll set up a tab. I'll set up a tab.
66 00:03:33,780 00:03:35,180 MEOWING MEOWING
67 00:03:38,700 00:03:41,540 Hi, yes, you-you asked me to... Hi, yes, you-you asked me to...
68 00:03:41,540 00:03:44,700 No, I'm really not happy to be popped on hold again for... No, I'm really not happy to be popped on hold again for...
69 00:03:44,700 00:03:46,460 CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE
70 00:03:46,460 00:03:48,900 I'm on hold. Do you have to do this now? I'm on hold. Do you have to do this now?
71 00:03:48,900 00:03:52,260 I was on hold for over an hour, and then it suddenly disconnected. I was on hold for over an hour, and then it suddenly disconnected.
72 00:03:52,260 00:03:55,500 Now it's taken me 35 minutes to get to a human being. Now it's taken me 35 minutes to get to a human being.
73 00:03:55,500 00:03:58,500 I'm on the cusp of sorting out my unusual card activity. I'm on the cusp of sorting out my unusual card activity.
74 00:03:58,500 00:04:00,060 I can't hang up. I can't hang up.
75 00:04:00,060 00:04:01,940 Could you turn your music down? Could you turn your music down?
76 00:04:01,940 00:04:03,660 It's not music. It's not music.
77 00:04:03,660 00:04:06,060 I mean, it is music, but it's hold music. I mean, it is music, but it's hold music.
78 00:04:06,060 00:04:07,660 Vivaldi now. Vivaldi now.
79 00:04:07,660 00:04:10,780 It was Zoom by Fat Larry's Band a while ago. It was Zoom by Fat Larry's Band a while ago.
80 00:04:10,780 00:04:15,180 Whatever it is, could you turn it down? My cat's distressed. Whatever it is, could you turn it down? My cat's distressed.
81 00:04:15,180 00:04:17,460 Well, my dog's about to be executed, so, you know... Well, my dog's about to be executed, so, you know...
82 00:04:17,460 00:04:18,940 Don't say that in front of Maureen! Don't say that in front of Maureen!
83 00:04:18,940 00:04:20,780 Sorry. Sorry.
84 00:04:20,780 00:04:23,060 Sorry, Maureen. DOG WHIMPERS Sorry, Maureen. DOG WHIMPERS
85 00:04:23,060 00:04:24,340 She's had a good life. She's had a good life.
86 00:04:24,340 00:04:25,540 No, she hasn't. No, she hasn't.
87 00:04:25,540 00:04:28,300 She's had a grim life of misery and illness. She's had a grim life of misery and illness.
88 00:04:28,300 00:04:29,860 Sure. Sure.
89 00:04:29,860 00:04:33,180 But you've given her the best life she could've had. But you've given her the best life she could've had.
90 00:04:33,180 00:04:36,060 What was it that Alfred Lord Tennyson said? What was it that Alfred Lord Tennyson said?
91 00:04:36,060 00:04:38,020 Hiya! Hi there. Hiya! Hi there.
92 00:04:38,020 00:04:40,540 Yes, happy to go through my transactions. Yes, happy to go through my transactions.
93 00:04:40,540 00:04:43,780 Yes, I will have got something online at Boots. Yes, I will have got something online at Boots.
94 00:04:43,780 00:04:45,100 I do that a lot. I do that a lot.
95 00:04:45,100 00:04:48,940 Was it 3.99? Yes, I know what that is. Was it 3.99? Yes, I know what that is.
96 00:04:48,940 00:04:50,900 She's feeling very warm. She's feeling very warm.
97 00:04:50,900 00:04:52,620 That'll be the pink blanket. That'll be the pink blanket.
98 00:04:52,620 00:04:54,900 No, I haven't bought a pink blanket. No, I haven't bought a pink blanket.
99 00:04:54,900 00:04:57,300 My doomed dog is in one. My doomed dog is in one.
100 00:04:57,300 00:05:00,580 No, no, I'm saying there's no blanket of any colour. No, no, I'm saying there's no blanket of any colour.
101 00:05:00,580 00:05:02,940 No... No! MUSIC PLAYS, HE SIGHS No... No! MUSIC PLAYS, HE SIGHS
102 00:05:02,940 00:05:04,780 She's popped me on hold. She's popped me on hold.
103 00:05:06,140 00:05:07,620 MEOWING MEOWING
104 00:05:07,620 00:05:08,700 Sorry, everyone. Sorry, everyone.
105 00:05:10,340 00:05:14,300 His Facebook profile's gone. He doesn't exist. His Facebook profile's gone. He doesn't exist.
106 00:05:14,300 00:05:18,180 He'll have gone dark, Geoff. Rogue. Fake ID. He'll have gone dark, Geoff. Rogue. Fake ID.
107 00:05:18,180 00:05:19,540 Maybe a bit of cosmetic. Maybe a bit of cosmetic.
108 00:05:19,540 00:05:21,820 Oh, no, here it is. And his Insta. Oh, no, here it is. And his Insta.
109 00:05:21,820 00:05:23,860 But he's not been on there for days. But he's not been on there for days.
110 00:05:23,860 00:05:26,420 You remember my late Lily's necklace? You remember my late Lily's necklace?
111 00:05:26,420 00:05:29,580 The one I bought her for our tenth anniversary? The one I bought her for our tenth anniversary?
112 00:05:29,580 00:05:31,420 Oh, Geoff. No. Oh, Geoff. No.
113 00:05:31,420 00:05:33,900 I pawned that a couple of months, ago for betting money I pawned that a couple of months, ago for betting money
114 00:05:33,900 00:05:35,540 and Luca's nicked the cash. and Luca's nicked the cash.
115 00:05:35,540 00:05:37,020 He's a monster. He's a monster.
116 00:05:37,020 00:05:38,820 You should go to the police, Geoff. You should go to the police, Geoff.
117 00:05:38,820 00:05:40,220 I married him illegally. I married him illegally.
118 00:05:40,220 00:05:41,940 They'll prosecute me. They'll prosecute me.
119 00:05:41,940 00:05:44,220 Plus, I don't want coppers on my land. Plus, I don't want coppers on my land.
120 00:05:44,220 00:05:45,740 The barn's a deathtrap The barn's a deathtrap
121 00:05:45,740 00:05:48,220 and I've got a couple of skunk plants in my polytunnel. and I've got a couple of skunk plants in my polytunnel.
122 00:05:48,220 00:05:49,500 I heard about Luca. I heard about Luca.
123 00:05:49,500 00:05:51,540 I suppose I should confess now. I suppose I should confess now.
124 00:05:51,540 00:05:53,020 We were seeing each other. We were seeing each other.
125 00:05:53,020 00:05:55,620 Luca and I. Me and Luca. Luca and I. Me and Luca.
126 00:05:55,620 00:05:57,540 Seeing each other? Yes. Seeing each other? Yes.
127 00:05:57,540 00:06:00,300 More specifically, seeing each other in the nude. More specifically, seeing each other in the nude.
128 00:06:00,300 00:06:04,620 My own niece slept with my husband? My own niece slept with my husband?
129 00:06:04,620 00:06:06,900 That's incest! I'm sorry. That's incest! I'm sorry.
130 00:06:06,900 00:06:08,860 We couldn't help ourselves. We couldn't help ourselves.
131 00:06:08,860 00:06:11,180 Well, we could, but we didn't want to. Well, we could, but we didn't want to.
132 00:06:11,180 00:06:12,940 Oh, well. Oh, well.
133 00:06:12,940 00:06:14,620 It's a lesson learned. It's a lesson learned.
134 00:06:14,620 00:06:16,860 Never trust anyone. Never trust anyone.
135 00:06:18,060 00:06:20,540 Don't keep cash in an old tea caddy. Don't keep cash in an old tea caddy.
136 00:06:20,540 00:06:23,420 Don't marry men for visa reasons. Don't marry men for visa reasons.
137 00:06:23,420 00:06:26,660 Use a stronger password for online banking. Use a stronger password for online banking.
138 00:06:26,660 00:06:30,140 A number of lessons, in actual fact. A number of lessons, in actual fact.
139 00:06:38,060 00:06:40,340 SHE SNIFFLES There's a good girl. SHE SNIFFLES There's a good girl.
140 00:06:45,980 00:06:47,620 It'll be very swift. It'll be very swift.
141 00:06:47,620 00:06:49,500 She won't feel a thing. She won't feel a thing.
142 00:06:49,500 00:06:51,100 OK. OK.
143 00:06:51,100 00:06:52,820 She's been suffering a lot. She's been suffering a lot.
144 00:06:52,820 00:06:55,100 You're making exactly the right decision. You're making exactly the right decision.
145 00:06:55,100 00:06:56,380 Thank you. Thank you.
146 00:06:56,380 00:06:58,220 That's very comforting to hear. That's very comforting to hear.
147 00:07:00,620 00:07:02,020 There. There.
148 00:07:02,020 00:07:03,740 Goodbye, Maureen. Goodbye, Maureen.
149 00:07:03,740 00:07:05,060 Hi. Hi.
150 00:07:06,220 00:07:07,180 No... No...
151 00:07:08,500 00:07:12,140 No, I haven't bought a meal deal from Gordano services. No, I haven't bought a meal deal from Gordano services.
152 00:07:13,940 00:07:15,900 Or any petrol, no. Or any petrol, no.
153 00:07:19,500 00:07:24,540 Yes, I did rent the film Herbie Goes Bananas from Sky. Yes, I did rent the film Herbie Goes Bananas from Sky.
154 00:07:31,180 00:07:32,580 Well? Well?
155 00:07:32,580 00:07:34,500 Massive congratulations! Massive congratulations!
156 00:07:34,500 00:07:36,900 Who doesn't love a wedding? Who doesn't love a wedding?
157 00:07:36,900 00:07:39,180 Joyful news. It's weird. Joyful news. It's weird.
158 00:07:39,180 00:07:42,140 But great! But weird. But great! But weird.
159 00:07:42,140 00:07:44,100 If I objected, would it make any difference? If I objected, would it make any difference?
160 00:07:44,100 00:07:45,900 Not really. Terrific. Not really. Terrific.
161 00:07:45,900 00:07:48,300 We would love to have your blessing, though. We would love to have your blessing, though.
162 00:07:48,300 00:07:50,260 Dad hasn't been dead very long. Dad hasn't been dead very long.
163 00:07:50,260 00:07:51,620 It's been nine months. It's been nine months.
164 00:07:51,620 00:07:54,020 A lot can happen in nine months. A lot can happen in nine months.
165 00:07:54,020 00:07:57,300 Look, I don't want to seem old-fashioned... Then don't. Look, I don't want to seem old-fashioned... Then don't.
166 00:07:57,300 00:07:59,700 It's not the olden days, Stephen. It's nowadays! It's not the olden days, Stephen. It's nowadays!
167 00:07:59,700 00:08:03,020 And soon it'll be the future. Exactly. What does that mean? And soon it'll be the future. Exactly. What does that mean?
168 00:08:03,020 00:08:05,380 Why delay happiness when it's right in front of you? Why delay happiness when it's right in front of you?
169 00:08:05,380 00:08:08,020 Ellen, Mum... Aw. ..deserves to be happy, Ellen, Mum... Aw. ..deserves to be happy,
170 00:08:08,020 00:08:09,260 more than anyone. more than anyone.
171 00:08:09,260 00:08:10,860 And Julian can make her happy. And Julian can make her happy.
172 00:08:10,860 00:08:12,260 I know you can. I know you can.
173 00:08:12,260 00:08:14,980 Thank you, Andrew. Who cares what you think? I do. Thank you, Andrew. Who cares what you think? I do.
174 00:08:14,980 00:08:16,380 That's why I asked him here. That's why I asked him here.
175 00:08:16,380 00:08:19,140 Andrew is like a son to me. Andrew is like a son to me.
176 00:08:19,140 00:08:20,780 He's not your son. He's not your son.
177 00:08:20,780 00:08:22,820 It's true. I'm not. It's true. I'm not.
178 00:08:22,820 00:08:24,660 I'm no-one's son. I'm no-one's son.
179 00:08:24,660 00:08:27,380 And I've learned to be OK with that. And I've learned to be OK with that.
180 00:08:33,900 00:08:36,500 Why are people so obsessed with change? Why are people so obsessed with change?
181 00:08:36,500 00:08:39,380 Just leave things as they are for five fucking minutes. Just leave things as they are for five fucking minutes.
182 00:08:39,380 00:08:42,140 Ellen and Julian are quite simply moving on with their lives. Ellen and Julian are quite simply moving on with their lives.
183 00:08:42,140 00:08:44,100 That's precisely what I don't like about it. That's precisely what I don't like about it.
184 00:08:44,100 00:08:45,500 I can see your point, Stephen, I can see your point, Stephen,
185 00:08:45,500 00:08:48,060 but also you have had the same haircut since you were eight. but also you have had the same haircut since you were eight.
186 00:08:48,060 00:08:50,660 It works. Well, I'm off to the Barleycorn. It works. Well, I'm off to the Barleycorn.
187 00:08:50,660 00:08:53,300 Raise a glass to the happy couple. Welcome to come. Raise a glass to the happy couple. Welcome to come.
188 00:08:53,300 00:08:55,940 You knew about this, didn't you? About the wedding? You knew about this, didn't you? About the wedding?
189 00:08:55,940 00:08:59,260 Did I? Did you? Did I? Fuck off. Did I? Did you? Did I? Fuck off.
190 00:08:59,260 00:09:02,580 Why are you so calm about this? The family's breaking up. Why are you so calm about this? The family's breaking up.
191 00:09:02,580 00:09:05,620 The precious family that you've so charmingly infiltrated. The precious family that you've so charmingly infiltrated.
192 00:09:05,620 00:09:08,140 I've embraced change, Stephen. I've embraced change, Stephen.
193 00:09:08,140 00:09:12,580 I've had to. And things usually work out for me in the end. I've had to. And things usually work out for me in the end.
194 00:09:12,580 00:09:14,900 Drink? Yes, please. Stick it up your arse. Drink? Yes, please. Stick it up your arse.
195 00:09:30,620 00:09:33,740 God, the shit you accumulate. God, the shit you accumulate.
196 00:09:33,740 00:09:35,660 What? Oh. What? Oh.
197 00:09:35,660 00:09:39,020 Photos of that holiday in Corfu. Aw. Ooh... Photos of that holiday in Corfu. Aw. Ooh...
198 00:09:39,020 00:09:41,980 Want them? Chuck them. DOOR CLOSES Want them? Chuck them. DOOR CLOSES
199 00:09:41,980 00:09:44,260 Oh, love. We've been trying to call you. Oh, love. We've been trying to call you.
200 00:09:44,260 00:09:45,380 My phone was off. My phone was off.
201 00:09:45,380 00:09:46,980 Maureen was being put to sleep. Maureen was being put to sleep.
202 00:09:46,980 00:09:49,940 Oh. Oh, Al. I'm-I'm so sorry. Oh. Oh, Al. I'm-I'm so sorry.
203 00:09:49,940 00:09:52,420 Why didn't you leave a message? Um... Oh. Why didn't you leave a message? Um... Oh.
204 00:09:52,420 00:09:57,100 Um, the message we have is not really a message sort of message. Um, the message we have is not really a message sort of message.
205 00:09:57,100 00:09:59,380 What's going on? The house is on the market. What's going on? The house is on the market.
206 00:09:59,380 00:10:00,780 Where are you going? Where are you going?
207 00:10:00,780 00:10:02,420 I'm-I'm going to be staying locally, I'm-I'm going to be staying locally,
208 00:10:02,420 00:10:04,380 so not really going anywhere. so not really going anywhere.
209 00:10:04,380 00:10:06,260 But I am. But I am.
210 00:10:06,260 00:10:10,140 What? Dad and I...are getting a divorce. What? Dad and I...are getting a divorce.
211 00:10:11,300 00:10:13,700 Oh, I expect it's come as a bit of a shock. Oh, I expect it's come as a bit of a shock.
212 00:10:13,700 00:10:15,100 You're happy together. You're happy together.
213 00:10:15,100 00:10:16,580 Well, we thought we were. Well, we thought we were.
214 00:10:16,580 00:10:18,580 But it turns out, we're not. But it turns out, we're not.
215 00:10:18,580 00:10:21,220 It's the little things that build up. Yes. It's the little things that build up. Yes.
216 00:10:21,220 00:10:23,580 I've always wanted to experience Dresden. I've always wanted to experience Dresden.
217 00:10:23,580 00:10:24,980 Oh, I couldn't give two shits. Oh, I couldn't give two shits.
218 00:10:24,980 00:10:26,180 But this is ridiculous. But this is ridiculous.
219 00:10:26,180 00:10:28,820 You love each other. You've been together forever. You love each other. You've been together forever.
220 00:10:28,820 00:10:31,500 I mean, everyone says what a perfect couple you are. I mean, everyone says what a perfect couple you are.
221 00:10:31,500 00:10:34,340 You're not single people. You're a unit. You're not single people. You're a unit.
222 00:10:34,340 00:10:37,580 Andrew said you might react like this. Mm. Andrew? Andrew said you might react like this. Mm. Andrew?
223 00:10:37,580 00:10:39,980 He's ignited something in us both. He's ignited something in us both.
224 00:10:39,980 00:10:42,860 Suddenly everything makes sense. Mm. We were just pootling along, Suddenly everything makes sense. Mm. We were just pootling along,
225 00:10:42,860 00:10:45,140 both wanting things we weren't able to have, both wanting things we weren't able to have,
226 00:10:45,140 00:10:47,900 but too polite to say anything. but too polite to say anything.
227 00:10:47,900 00:10:51,100 And now we're so excited about our new lives. Yeah. And now we're so excited about our new lives. Yeah.
228 00:10:51,100 00:10:52,540 Everything feels fresh. Everything feels fresh.
229 00:10:52,540 00:10:54,220 He told me I had a waist. He told me I had a waist.
230 00:10:54,220 00:10:57,500 And he understands how desperately I want to go on cruises And he understands how desperately I want to go on cruises
231 00:10:57,500 00:11:01,060 and visit every country in the world and eat spicy food. and visit every country in the world and eat spicy food.
232 00:11:01,060 00:11:03,580 Sorry, I-I just... I can't. Your mum will stay here. Sorry, I-I just... I can't. Your mum will stay here.
233 00:11:03,580 00:11:05,300 I want to go out to work. I want to go out to work.
234 00:11:05,300 00:11:08,100 And Andrew suggested... Could you stop saying Andrew? And Andrew suggested... Could you stop saying Andrew?
235 00:11:08,100 00:11:10,620 Oh. He predicted this entire reaction. Oh. He predicted this entire reaction.
236 00:11:10,620 00:11:12,220 Well, he's a smart guy. Well, he's a smart guy.
237 00:11:12,220 00:11:13,580 Canny fellow. Canny fellow.
238 00:11:13,580 00:11:15,540 Is that Kew Gardens? Oh, yes. Is that Kew Gardens? Oh, yes.
239 00:11:15,540 00:11:17,420 Um, Andrew took us there. Um, Andrew took us there.
240 00:11:17,420 00:11:20,260 I don't think we've laughed as much in 40 years. No. I don't think we've laughed as much in 40 years. No.
241 00:11:20,260 00:11:22,620 But we always go there together. As a unit. But we always go there together. As a unit.
242 00:11:22,620 00:11:25,380 Well, I know, but we did ask you. You're always so busy. Well, I know, but we did ask you. You're always so busy.
243 00:11:25,380 00:11:27,860 And so when Andrew suggested it... When Andrew... Just stop. And so when Andrew suggested it... When Andrew... Just stop.
244 00:11:36,740 00:11:39,180 Can't believe Mum's getting married? Can't believe Mum's getting married?
245 00:11:39,180 00:11:41,700 I can't believe Mum's getting divorced. I can't believe Mum's getting divorced.
246 00:11:41,700 00:11:43,260 Which is worse? Which is worse?
247 00:11:43,260 00:11:44,980 Divorce, you prick. Divorce, you prick.
248 00:11:44,980 00:11:46,740 Divorce is worse than marriage. Divorce is worse than marriage.
249 00:11:46,740 00:11:48,700 Although, sometimes when people divorce, Although, sometimes when people divorce,
250 00:11:48,700 00:11:51,220 they actually become closer than when they were married. they actually become closer than when they were married.
251 00:11:51,220 00:11:53,180 A lot like us. A lot like us.
252 00:11:53,180 00:11:56,620 Mum said Andrew was like the son she never had. Mum said Andrew was like the son she never had.
253 00:11:56,620 00:11:58,020 So did my mum. So did my mum.
254 00:11:58,020 00:11:59,700 He told her she had a waist. He told her she had a waist.
255 00:11:59,700 00:12:02,060 Andrew told my mum she had a waist. Andrew told my mum she had a waist.
256 00:12:02,060 00:12:03,940 Why does he get points for that? Why does he get points for that?
257 00:12:03,940 00:12:06,300 Did he also tell her she has feet? Did he also tell her she has feet?
258 00:12:06,300 00:12:08,780 And he indulged Dad's lurid Michael Palin fantasies. And he indulged Dad's lurid Michael Palin fantasies.
259 00:12:10,580 00:12:12,380 To travel. To travel.
260 00:12:12,380 00:12:14,420 Dad wants to be Phileas Fogg. Dad wants to be Phileas Fogg.
261 00:12:14,420 00:12:16,780 Take the gap year he never had Take the gap year he never had
262 00:12:16,780 00:12:19,820 and roam the globe like some nutty old tramp. and roam the globe like some nutty old tramp.
263 00:12:19,820 00:12:21,300 I mean, it doesn't make sense. I mean, it doesn't make sense.
264 00:12:22,700 00:12:24,180 It does. It does.
265 00:12:24,180 00:12:27,220 He's replacing my mum with your mum. He's replacing my mum with your mum.
266 00:12:27,220 00:12:29,180 He knows my mum's going to Tring, He knows my mum's going to Tring,
267 00:12:29,180 00:12:32,060 so he's getting your dad out of the picture so he can have a mum. so he's getting your dad out of the picture so he can have a mum.
268 00:12:32,060 00:12:35,300 He never had a mum, so he steals other people's. He never had a mum, so he steals other people's.
269 00:12:35,300 00:12:37,180 He's a mother collector. He's a mother collector.
270 00:12:37,180 00:12:38,940 He's on a mum safari. He's on a mum safari.
271 00:12:38,940 00:12:41,620 Well, he's not adding my mother to his trophy collection. Well, he's not adding my mother to his trophy collection.
272 00:12:41,620 00:12:43,900 Andrew has bitten off more than he can chew Andrew has bitten off more than he can chew
273 00:12:43,900 00:12:45,460 and it's going to choke him. and it's going to choke him.
274 00:12:45,460 00:12:48,020 And if it doesn't choke him, I'll set fire to his balls. And if it doesn't choke him, I'll set fire to his balls.
275 00:12:49,780 00:12:51,660 Wow. OK. Wow. OK.
276 00:12:51,660 00:12:54,180 That, that honestly took a turn I wasn't expecting. That, that honestly took a turn I wasn't expecting.
277 00:12:56,060 00:12:59,540 Yeah, that makes total sense for Stephen to give you away. Yeah, that makes total sense for Stephen to give you away.
278 00:12:59,540 00:13:02,860 Only. Only? Only. Only?
279 00:13:02,860 00:13:09,300 Well, he is quite hostile to Julian, and maybe, Well, he is quite hostile to Julian, and maybe,
280 00:13:09,300 00:13:12,460 I mean, stop me if this is crackers, but would it maybe I mean, stop me if this is crackers, but would it maybe
281 00:13:12,460 00:13:16,900 be an olive branch, Julian, if you asked him to be your best man? be an olive branch, Julian, if you asked him to be your best man?
282 00:13:18,740 00:13:20,540 Possibly. Possibly.
283 00:13:20,540 00:13:22,940 Uh, I would prefer a very quiet stag night. Uh, I would prefer a very quiet stag night.
284 00:13:22,940 00:13:25,500 But who would walk me down the aisle? But who would walk me down the aisle?
285 00:13:25,500 00:13:27,140 Ooh. Andrew. Ooh. Andrew.
286 00:13:27,140 00:13:28,940 I don't suppose you would? I don't suppose you would?
287 00:13:28,940 00:13:30,700 Me? Oh, no, no, no, no. Me? Oh, no, no, no, no.
288 00:13:30,700 00:13:31,940 I'm...I'm not family. I'm...I'm not family.
289 00:13:31,940 00:13:33,340 Oh, but you are. Oh, but you are.
290 00:13:33,340 00:13:34,300 I've got news. I've got news.
291 00:13:36,260 00:13:38,540 I am with child. Pregnant. I am with child. Pregnant.
292 00:13:38,540 00:13:39,540 By my uncle. By my uncle.
293 00:13:39,540 00:13:40,980 ALL THREE: Geoff? ALL THREE: Geoff?
294 00:13:40,980 00:13:42,420 No, Luca. No, Luca.
295 00:13:42,420 00:13:44,100 He's the father of my unborn baby. He's the father of my unborn baby.
296 00:13:44,100 00:13:46,060 And when it's born, my born baby. And when it's born, my born baby.
297 00:13:46,060 00:13:47,820 Are you absolutely sure? Are you absolutely sure?
298 00:13:47,820 00:13:49,340 Yes, I've done a test. Yes, I've done a test.
299 00:13:49,340 00:13:51,180 It was negative, but a mother knows. It was negative, but a mother knows.
300 00:13:51,180 00:13:53,860 But aren't those tests 99% accurate? But aren't those tests 99% accurate?
301 00:13:53,860 00:13:55,860 Well, I'm in the 1%. Well, I'm in the 1%.
302 00:13:55,860 00:13:58,860 I mean, look at me. I'm glowing, my bosoms are surging. I mean, look at me. I'm glowing, my bosoms are surging.
303 00:13:58,860 00:14:00,140 I can feel them. I can feel them.
304 00:14:00,140 00:14:01,500 Lovely. Lovely.
305 00:14:01,500 00:14:03,500 You're going to be a grandmother, Mum. You're going to be a grandmother, Mum.
306 00:14:03,500 00:14:07,900 Julian, a step something once removed, or something? Grandfather. Julian, a step something once removed, or something? Grandfather.
307 00:14:07,900 00:14:11,220 Andrew, you're going to be a foster-uncle. Andrew, you're going to be a foster-uncle.
308 00:14:12,300 00:14:14,220 Buongiorno, Bambino. Buongiorno, Bambino.
309 00:14:14,220 00:14:16,180 That's "Hello, baby" in Italian. That's "Hello, baby" in Italian.
310 00:14:16,180 00:14:17,740 He's bilingual. He's bilingual.
311 00:14:17,740 00:14:19,500 What about your university plans? What about your university plans?
312 00:14:19,500 00:14:20,900 I'm going to get a routine. I'm going to get a routine.
313 00:14:20,900 00:14:22,940 Essay, feeding, nappy, lecture. Essay, feeding, nappy, lecture.
314 00:14:22,940 00:14:25,300 Then sometimes the baby will be asleep, Then sometimes the baby will be asleep,
315 00:14:25,300 00:14:27,860 or staring up at a mobile and smiling, like in adverts. or staring up at a mobile and smiling, like in adverts.
316 00:14:27,860 00:14:30,860 And my uni mates can help raise it like in indigenous tribes, And my uni mates can help raise it like in indigenous tribes,
317 00:14:30,860 00:14:32,460 or the Occupy Movement. or the Occupy Movement.
318 00:14:32,460 00:14:33,940 Right. Right.
319 00:14:33,940 00:14:36,780 But maybe breast-feeding in a lecture wouldn't really work. But maybe breast-feeding in a lecture wouldn't really work.
320 00:14:36,780 00:14:38,620 How do you write notes? How do you write notes?
321 00:14:38,620 00:14:41,900 Record them. But you might just hear suckling, rather than the lecturer Record them. But you might just hear suckling, rather than the lecturer
322 00:14:41,900 00:14:43,820 and I'll probably get that sore nipple thing. and I'll probably get that sore nipple thing.
323 00:14:43,820 00:14:44,900 Mad ankles. Mad ankles.
324 00:14:46,300 00:14:48,660 Actually, having thought about it quite deeply, Actually, having thought about it quite deeply,
325 00:14:48,660 00:14:51,580 I think I'm probably not pregnant. Those tests are 99% accurate. I think I'm probably not pregnant. Those tests are 99% accurate.
326 00:14:52,780 00:14:53,980 Are they? Hm. Are they? Hm.
327 00:14:55,060 00:14:56,100 Right. Right.
328 00:15:00,180 00:15:03,100 I must have left my wallet on the table when I went to the loo. I must have left my wallet on the table when I went to the loo.
329 00:15:03,100 00:15:04,620 Luca will have had it. Luca will have had it.
330 00:15:04,620 00:15:06,220 Cloned the card. Cloned the card.
331 00:15:06,220 00:15:09,140 That was him having a meal deal at Gordano services. That was him having a meal deal at Gordano services.
332 00:15:09,140 00:15:11,420 Why go for a deal, if it's not your money? Why go for a deal, if it's not your money?
333 00:15:11,420 00:15:13,300 He could've had any sandwich there. He could've had any sandwich there.
334 00:15:13,300 00:15:16,580 Yeah, but sometimes the meal deal sandwiches are the best ones, so Yeah, but sometimes the meal deal sandwiches are the best ones, so
335 00:15:16,580 00:15:19,580 you find yourself tied into a deal without really thinking about it. you find yourself tied into a deal without really thinking about it.
336 00:15:19,580 00:15:22,180 Well, thanks for lending me the money to pay for Maureen. Well, thanks for lending me the money to pay for Maureen.
337 00:15:22,180 00:15:25,060 There's a secret account Luca didn't know about. There's a secret account Luca didn't know about.
338 00:15:25,060 00:15:26,980 Money from that compensation I got Money from that compensation I got
339 00:15:26,980 00:15:30,300 when I pretended to have whiplash and hear voices. when I pretended to have whiplash and hear voices.
340 00:15:30,300 00:15:31,940 How are you feeling? How are you feeling?
341 00:15:31,940 00:15:35,460 I suppose I feel like I've actually got whiplash from Luca running off. I suppose I feel like I've actually got whiplash from Luca running off.
342 00:15:35,460 00:15:37,860 Bruised, sore, and don't want to look behind me. Bruised, sore, and don't want to look behind me.
343 00:15:37,860 00:15:40,580 I'm going to have to sell the farm, I think. I'm going to have to sell the farm, I think.
344 00:15:40,580 00:15:42,260 Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah.
345 00:15:42,260 00:15:44,540 Still, everyone's moving on. Still, everyone's moving on.
346 00:15:44,540 00:15:46,260 Your mum's getting married Your mum's getting married
347 00:15:46,260 00:15:49,020 and going to Tring, Cass'll end up at university. and going to Tring, Cass'll end up at university.
348 00:15:49,020 00:15:51,380 Not much to stay here for. Not much to stay here for.
349 00:15:51,380 00:15:53,780 I'm still here, Geoff. Oh, no, obviously. I'm still here, Geoff. Oh, no, obviously.
350 00:15:53,780 00:15:56,220 That's a given. I mean, you're a fixture. That's a given. I mean, you're a fixture.
351 00:15:56,220 00:15:58,820 Screwed to the floor like a table in a 70's Butlins. Screwed to the floor like a table in a 70's Butlins.
352 00:16:06,060 00:16:08,780 Hi, erm, I'm here to pick up some ashes. Hi, erm, I'm here to pick up some ashes.
353 00:16:08,780 00:16:10,180 Name? Name?
354 00:16:10,180 00:16:12,100 Maureen. Surname? Maureen. Surname?
355 00:16:12,100 00:16:13,900 Oh, you...you meant my name. Oh, you...you meant my name.
356 00:16:13,900 00:16:16,460 Yes. Did you really think I was called Maureen? Yes. Did you really think I was called Maureen?
357 00:16:16,460 00:16:17,860 I don't judge. I don't judge.
358 00:16:17,860 00:16:19,540 My name is Stephen Nicholls. My name is Stephen Nicholls.
359 00:16:19,540 00:16:21,220 The late dog is Maureen. The late dog is Maureen.
360 00:16:22,740 00:16:27,340 That will be £120 for the procedure and £159 for the cremation. That will be £120 for the procedure and £159 for the cremation.
361 00:16:28,540 00:16:31,540 Jesus. And the urn will be £66. Jesus. And the urn will be £66.
362 00:16:31,540 00:16:33,100 Can I get a cheaper urn? Can I get a cheaper urn?
363 00:16:33,100 00:16:35,060 No. Oh. No. Oh.
364 00:16:35,060 00:16:38,020 The vet's put a note on Maureen's postmortem report, The vet's put a note on Maureen's postmortem report,
365 00:16:38,020 00:16:41,260 saying there was small traces of rat poison in her system. saying there was small traces of rat poison in her system.
366 00:16:41,260 00:16:43,220 Oh. OK. Oh. OK.
367 00:16:43,220 00:16:45,180 Dogs will eat anything. Dogs will eat anything.
368 00:16:45,180 00:16:48,060 We had a dog in here last week that ate her foot. We had a dog in here last week that ate her foot.
369 00:16:48,060 00:16:50,260 I'll go fetch that urn. I'll go fetch that urn.
370 00:16:57,700 00:16:59,500 Don't come too close. Rat traps. Don't come too close. Rat traps.
371 00:16:59,500 00:17:01,780 What the fuck have you done to my parents? What the fuck have you done to my parents?
372 00:17:01,780 00:17:02,900 Oh, you've seen them? Oh, you've seen them?
373 00:17:02,900 00:17:04,420 And we spoke on the phone just now. And we spoke on the phone just now.
374 00:17:04,420 00:17:06,900 They said you told them they shouldn't have any regrets. They said you told them they shouldn't have any regrets.
375 00:17:06,900 00:17:08,380 And they shouldn't. And they shouldn't.
376 00:17:08,380 00:17:11,820 My dad wants to go to Micronesia and just stop shaving. My dad wants to go to Micronesia and just stop shaving.
377 00:17:11,820 00:17:15,020 He says he feels neutered and he's fed up with semi-skimmed milk He says he feels neutered and he's fed up with semi-skimmed milk
378 00:17:15,020 00:17:17,420 and he wants to watch a John Wick movie at the IMAX. and he wants to watch a John Wick movie at the IMAX.
379 00:17:17,420 00:17:20,140 And Wendy has felt trapped and diminished for years. And Wendy has felt trapped and diminished for years.
380 00:17:20,140 00:17:22,420 They weren't happy, and now they're very happy. They weren't happy, and now they're very happy.
381 00:17:22,420 00:17:23,500 They were happy. They were happy.
382 00:17:23,500 00:17:26,220 They just didn't show it because they both went to a grammar school. They just didn't show it because they both went to a grammar school.
383 00:17:26,220 00:17:27,780 Look, this was always going to happen. Look, this was always going to happen.
384 00:17:27,780 00:17:29,380 You can't put a cork in a volcano. You can't put a cork in a volcano.
385 00:17:29,380 00:17:31,660 I just helped them give voice to their feelings. I just helped them give voice to their feelings.
386 00:17:31,660 00:17:33,300 I've been a facilitator. I've been a facilitator.
387 00:17:33,300 00:17:35,660 But they've workshopped their own future. But they've workshopped their own future.
388 00:17:35,660 00:17:37,620 You took them to Kew fucking Gardens. You took them to Kew fucking Gardens.
389 00:17:37,620 00:17:39,100 Only because you couldn't. Only because you couldn't.
390 00:17:39,100 00:17:41,940 They asked, but you were, understandably, so busy. They asked, but you were, understandably, so busy.
391 00:17:41,940 00:17:44,740 Look, Alison, we both want the same things for them, right? Look, Alison, we both want the same things for them, right?
392 00:17:44,740 00:17:46,620 Happiness, fulfilment, independence. Happiness, fulfilment, independence.
393 00:17:46,620 00:17:48,140 My mum is not your mum. My mum is not your mum.
394 00:17:48,140 00:17:49,380 Yes, I'm aware of that. Yes, I'm aware of that.
395 00:17:49,380 00:17:51,140 The last time I saw my mum, The last time I saw my mum,
396 00:17:51,140 00:17:53,140 I was ten and about to be taken back into care. I was ten and about to be taken back into care.
397 00:17:53,140 00:17:55,500 Look, I'm just trying to help your mum out. Look, I'm just trying to help your mum out.
398 00:17:55,500 00:17:57,700 That's all. You've underestimated me, Andrew. That's all. You've underestimated me, Andrew.
399 00:17:58,860 00:18:00,820 Oh, I could never underestimate you, Alison. Oh, I could never underestimate you, Alison.
400 00:18:00,820 00:18:03,100 You're the smartest person around here. You're the smartest person around here.
401 00:18:03,100 00:18:04,100 I am. I am.
402 00:18:04,100 00:18:07,300 I mean, I don't want to be arrogant, but I am very clever. I mean, I don't want to be arrogant, but I am very clever.
403 00:18:07,300 00:18:08,460 And I'm onto you. And I'm onto you.
404 00:18:12,020 00:18:13,860 My mum tells me she's got a job. My mum tells me she's got a job.
405 00:18:13,860 00:18:16,420 Do you know where she's going to be working? Yeah. Do you know where she's going to be working? Yeah.
406 00:18:16,420 00:18:17,660 Here. Here.
407 00:18:17,660 00:18:20,020 And when she says she'll be staying locally? And when she says she'll be staying locally?
408 00:18:20,020 00:18:21,940 There's a room at the Barleycorn, if she needs it. There's a room at the Barleycorn, if she needs it.
409 00:18:21,940 00:18:24,220 Or she might decide on a little flat in town. Or she might decide on a little flat in town.
410 00:18:24,220 00:18:26,460 Like I say, it's all her decision. Like I say, it's all her decision.
411 00:18:32,100 00:18:34,660 Oh, of course he poisoned Maureen. Oh, of course he poisoned Maureen.
412 00:18:34,660 00:18:37,540 The Barleycorn traps have always been snap traps. The Barleycorn traps have always been snap traps.
413 00:18:37,540 00:18:39,900 There's a lot of local cats and there's never, There's a lot of local cats and there's never,
414 00:18:39,900 00:18:42,660 ever been any poison put down, but do you think that...? ever been any poison put down, but do you think that...?
415 00:18:42,660 00:18:44,060 Aw, come on. Aw, come on.
416 00:18:44,060 00:18:47,420 How much of a coincidence is it that Maureen has rat poison in her, How much of a coincidence is it that Maureen has rat poison in her,
417 00:18:47,420 00:18:50,100 and then I see Andrew laying rat traps? and then I see Andrew laying rat traps?
418 00:18:50,100 00:18:52,900 Do we think Andrew would deliberately kill a dog? Do we think Andrew would deliberately kill a dog?
419 00:18:52,900 00:18:54,340 We do. We do.
420 00:18:54,340 00:18:58,260 He would kill a dog and fuck a cat and eat a rat, He would kill a dog and fuck a cat and eat a rat,
421 00:18:58,260 00:19:00,220 all before Homes Under the Hammer started. all before Homes Under the Hammer started.
422 00:19:00,220 00:19:01,740 I mean, poor Maureen, I mean, poor Maureen,
423 00:19:01,740 00:19:04,260 she never stood a chance against that sick fucker. she never stood a chance against that sick fucker.
424 00:19:04,260 00:19:07,260 But why? Because he set his sights on me. But why? Because he set his sights on me.
425 00:19:07,260 00:19:09,540 He is destroying everything I love. He is destroying everything I love.
426 00:19:09,540 00:19:11,580 My mum, working as a barmaid. My mum, working as a barmaid.
427 00:19:11,580 00:19:14,660 I mean, I don't want to sound like a snob, but fuck it all to hell. I mean, I don't want to sound like a snob, but fuck it all to hell.
428 00:19:14,660 00:19:16,940 Well, with my mum off to pastures, Well, with my mum off to pastures,
429 00:19:16,940 00:19:18,700 Tring with the Reverend Hot pants, Tring with the Reverend Hot pants,
430 00:19:18,700 00:19:21,340 there's a Mum-shaped hole at the pub. there's a Mum-shaped hole at the pub.
431 00:19:21,340 00:19:23,820 This actually feels weirdly good. This actually feels weirdly good.
432 00:19:23,820 00:19:28,540 That finally someone else truly and fully sees what Andrew's capable of. That finally someone else truly and fully sees what Andrew's capable of.
433 00:19:28,540 00:19:30,300 Oh, I can see it, all right. Oh, I can see it, all right.
434 00:19:30,300 00:19:33,340 Up to now, I've...I've felt like the boy in the fairy tale who can Up to now, I've...I've felt like the boy in the fairy tale who can
435 00:19:33,340 00:19:34,980 see that the emperor's naked see that the emperor's naked
436 00:19:34,980 00:19:37,380 and he's whacking people in the eyes with his cock. and he's whacking people in the eyes with his cock.
437 00:19:39,980 00:19:41,340 Let's kill him, Let's kill him,
438 00:19:41,340 00:19:44,460 bury his head at Land's End and his body at John o'Groats. bury his head at Land's End and his body at John o'Groats.
439 00:19:44,460 00:19:46,740 What do you think? Hire a hit man? What do you think? Hire a hit man?
440 00:19:46,740 00:19:48,580 Um... Um...
441 00:19:48,580 00:19:51,420 Or, or we could fake an accident. Or, or we could fake an accident.
442 00:19:51,420 00:19:54,620 Too much to drink, handbrake off, over a cliff. Too much to drink, handbrake off, over a cliff.
443 00:19:56,140 00:19:58,220 Mm. Mm.
444 00:19:58,220 00:20:00,420 Yeah, we should definitely murder Andrew. Yeah, we should definitely murder Andrew.
445 00:20:02,220 00:20:03,980 It's what Maureen would've wanted. It's what Maureen would've wanted.
446 00:20:12,620 00:20:15,740 Geoff, Mike and I have been talking. Geoff, Mike and I have been talking.
447 00:20:16,860 00:20:18,500 About, about lots of things. About, about lots of things.
448 00:20:18,500 00:20:21,180 Pasties, how you can't get wellies in half sizes, Pasties, how you can't get wellies in half sizes,
449 00:20:21,180 00:20:25,740 what tombola means, why don't dad's whistle any more? what tombola means, why don't dad's whistle any more?
450 00:20:27,100 00:20:30,300 And...and about you, Geoff. And...and about you, Geoff.
451 00:20:30,300 00:20:31,900 When you sell the farm, When you sell the farm,
452 00:20:31,900 00:20:34,580 we don't like to think of you having to move away. we don't like to think of you having to move away.
453 00:20:34,580 00:20:38,100 So would you like to move in with us? So would you like to move in with us?
454 00:20:38,100 00:20:39,580 We've got a spare room. We've got a spare room.
455 00:20:41,620 00:20:43,740 No. Oh. No. Oh.
456 00:20:43,740 00:20:47,460 That's very kind, but I sort of like the idea of getting way. That's very kind, but I sort of like the idea of getting way.
457 00:20:47,460 00:20:51,340 This place can cramp you, keep you down, hobble you. This place can cramp you, keep you down, hobble you.
458 00:20:51,340 00:20:53,060 Just look at Stephen. Just look at Stephen.
459 00:20:53,060 00:20:54,820 Yeah. Tragic. Yeah. Tragic.
460 00:20:54,820 00:20:56,100 And you guys. And you guys.
461 00:20:57,620 00:20:58,580 I know. I know.
462 00:20:59,780 00:21:01,180 Yeah. Yeah.
463 00:21:01,180 00:21:02,220 Fucking hell. Fucking hell.
464 00:21:04,060 00:21:06,420 We can do it. Kill him. We can do it. Kill him.
465 00:21:06,420 00:21:08,900 I mean, who would care? He doesn't have anyone. I mean, who would care? He doesn't have anyone.
466 00:21:08,900 00:21:11,180 He has our mum's. They love him. He has our mum's. They love him.
467 00:21:11,180 00:21:12,860 Aw, they're under his spell. Aw, they're under his spell.
468 00:21:12,860 00:21:15,140 He's like a... God, what's he like? He's like a... God, what's he like?
469 00:21:15,140 00:21:16,580 A warlock? A warlock?
470 00:21:16,580 00:21:19,220 Warlock? No, he's not like a fucking warlock. Warlock? No, he's not like a fucking warlock.
471 00:21:19,220 00:21:21,620 Whatever he is, he needs to be stopped. Whatever he is, he needs to be stopped.
472 00:21:21,620 00:21:23,180 You and me. You and me.
473 00:21:23,180 00:21:24,780 Like Bonnie and Clyde. Like Bonnie and Clyde.
474 00:21:24,780 00:21:26,340 Can I be Clyde? Can I be Clyde?
475 00:21:26,340 00:21:29,340 I...I mean, in terms of the energy, you're obviously Clyde, I...I mean, in terms of the energy, you're obviously Clyde,
476 00:21:29,340 00:21:31,620 but for my own masculine pride, I... but for my own masculine pride, I...
477 00:21:31,620 00:21:33,100 Are you in this with me? Are you in this with me?
478 00:21:33,100 00:21:35,820 I need you in this with me. I need you in this with me.
479 00:21:35,820 00:21:38,260 I am. I bloody am. I am. I bloody am.
480 00:21:38,260 00:21:40,540 Yes, let's kill the motherfucker. Yes, let's kill the motherfucker.
481 00:21:40,540 00:21:41,540 The Aye's have it. The Aye's have it.
482 00:21:46,860 00:21:48,780 I haven't done my teeth. I haven't done my teeth.
483 00:21:59,420 00:22:00,500 You awake? You awake?
484 00:22:02,500 00:22:04,780 You know what? You know what?
485 00:22:04,780 00:22:06,340 Citalopram. Citalopram.
486 00:22:06,340 00:22:07,700 Sertraline. Sertraline.
487 00:22:09,020 00:22:10,500 They can go get fucked. They can go get fucked.
488 00:22:12,140 00:22:13,780 I just needed to have sex. I just needed to have sex.
489 00:22:15,300 00:22:17,060 And I'm cured. And I'm cured.
490 00:22:17,060 00:22:18,100 I found her. I found her.
491 00:22:19,980 00:22:22,260 Who? Andrew's birth mum. Who? Andrew's birth mum.
492 00:22:22,260 00:22:23,180 I found her. I found her.
493 00:22:23,180 00:22:24,980 How? How?
494 00:22:24,980 00:22:28,380 Got access to databases I maybe shouldn't have access to. Got access to databases I maybe shouldn't have access to.
495 00:22:28,380 00:22:30,780 Called in favours, offered favours. Called in favours, offered favours.
496 00:22:30,780 00:22:34,260 Eight hours of clicking and I think I found her. Eight hours of clicking and I think I found her.
497 00:22:35,780 00:22:38,060 Do...do...do you still want to kill him, Bonnie? Do...do...do you still want to kill him, Bonnie?
498 00:22:38,060 00:22:39,300 No, Clyde. No, Clyde.
499 00:22:39,300 00:22:41,260 Worse than killing him. Worse than killing him.
500 00:22:41,260 00:22:44,700 I want to fuck his head up completely via his mum. I want to fuck his head up completely via his mum.
501 00:22:44,700 00:22:47,180 We're not doormats any more, me and you. We're not doormats any more, me and you.
502 00:22:47,180 00:22:49,980 We are the dirty boots on the doormat. We are the dirty boots on the doormat.
503 00:22:49,980 00:22:53,100 I'm going to fuck his mum and you're going to watch. I'm going to fuck his mum and you're going to watch.
504 00:22:53,100 00:22:54,540 This is brilliant. This is brilliant.
505 00:22:54,540 00:22:56,420 Do you want more sex? Yes. Do you want more sex? Yes.
506 00:22:56,420 00:22:58,100 I do. I do.
507 00:22:58,100 00:22:59,980 I do want more sex. I do want more sex.
508 00:22:59,980 00:23:02,060 Thank you. Thank you.
509 00:23:02,060 00:23:05,140 # Have you ever made love to a beautiful girl? # Have you ever made love to a beautiful girl?
510 00:23:05,140 00:23:08,220 # Made you feel like it's not such a bad world # Made you feel like it's not such a bad world
511 00:23:08,220 00:23:12,060 # Hey, man, now you're really living # Hey, man, now you're really living
512 00:23:12,060 00:23:15,060 # Now you're really giving everything # Now you're really giving everything
513 00:23:15,060 00:23:17,900 # And you're really getting all you can # And you're really getting all you can
514 00:23:17,900 00:23:21,420 # Now you're really living what this life is all about. # # Now you're really living what this life is all about. #
515 00:23:21,420 00:23:24,380 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Subtitles by Red Bee Media