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1 | 00:00:02,980 | 00:00:06,740 | This programme contains very strong language | This programme contains very strong language |
2 | 00:00:06,740 | 00:00:09,100 | Thank you so much. It was nothing, Phil. My pleasure. | Thank you so much. It was nothing, Phil. My pleasure. |
3 | 00:00:09,100 | 00:00:11,380 | I don't know how we would've managed all this without you. | I don't know how we would've managed all this without you. |
4 | 00:00:11,380 | 00:00:13,300 | Like I say ad infinitum these days, | Like I say ad infinitum these days, |
5 | 00:00:13,300 | 00:00:15,260 | I just want to try and help. | I just want to try and help. |
6 | 00:00:15,260 | 00:00:17,220 | "Change the bloody record, Andrew!" | "Change the bloody record, Andrew!" |
7 | 00:00:17,220 | 00:00:20,060 | No, no, don't ever change the record. You're a wonder. | No, no, don't ever change the record. You're a wonder. |
8 | 00:00:20,060 | 00:00:21,940 | Like the son we never had. | Like the son we never had. |
9 | 00:00:21,940 | 00:00:24,580 | Not that we ever wished Alison had been a boy. | Not that we ever wished Alison had been a boy. |
10 | 00:00:24,580 | 00:00:26,940 | Well, we did a bit. Now, come on. | Well, we did a bit. Now, come on. |
11 | 00:00:26,940 | 00:00:29,220 | We thought, when Alison married Stephen, | We thought, when Alison married Stephen, |
12 | 00:00:29,220 | 00:00:30,740 | he might be the son we never had. | he might be the son we never had. |
13 | 00:00:30,740 | 00:00:33,300 | But he wasn't really son-we-never-had material. | But he wasn't really son-we-never-had material. |
14 | 00:00:33,300 | 00:00:35,580 | Handshake like a Victorian doll. | Handshake like a Victorian doll. |
15 | 00:00:35,580 | 00:00:38,460 | Not like you, bloody Action Man. | Not like you, bloody Action Man. |
16 | 00:00:38,460 | 00:00:41,020 | Not to be impolite, but he's a cack-handed Herbert. | Not to be impolite, but he's a cack-handed Herbert. |
17 | 00:00:41,020 | 00:00:43,660 | You know, I feel I ought to stand up for Stephen. And Alison. | You know, I feel I ought to stand up for Stephen. And Alison. |
18 | 00:00:43,660 | 00:00:48,020 | They're both fine, caring people, and Alison loves you very much. | They're both fine, caring people, and Alison loves you very much. |
19 | 00:00:48,020 | 00:00:49,980 | Aw. That's just the kind of goodness | Aw. That's just the kind of goodness |
20 | 00:00:49,980 | 00:00:52,260 | we've always come to expect from you. Yes. | we've always come to expect from you. Yes. |
21 | 00:00:52,260 | 00:00:53,900 | We've never been happier. No. | We've never been happier. No. |
22 | 00:00:53,900 | 00:00:55,660 | And that's down to you. | And that's down to you. |
23 | 00:00:55,660 | 00:00:57,620 | You've given us a jolly good shake. | You've given us a jolly good shake. |
24 | 00:00:57,620 | 00:00:59,980 | Awoken us from a troubled dream. Yeah. | Awoken us from a troubled dream. Yeah. |
25 | 00:00:59,980 | 00:01:03,780 | I'm truly humbled, guys, but I didn't do this. | I'm truly humbled, guys, but I didn't do this. |
26 | 00:01:03,780 | 00:01:06,340 | You did this. Aw. This is your decision. | You did this. Aw. This is your decision. |
27 | 00:01:12,100 | 00:01:13,620 | We should call Alison. | We should call Alison. |
28 | 00:01:13,620 | 00:01:15,460 | You probably should, yes. | You probably should, yes. |
29 | 00:01:26,220 | 00:01:28,980 | ON RADIO: And we'll have Tim with the traffic update after this. | ON RADIO: And we'll have Tim with the traffic update after this. |
30 | 00:01:28,980 | 00:01:31,940 | DANCE MUSIC PLAYS | DANCE MUSIC PLAYS |
31 | 00:01:57,620 | 00:01:59,660 | BIRDSONG | BIRDSONG |
32 | 00:01:59,660 | 00:02:01,860 | Oh, ooh. | Oh, ooh. |
33 | 00:02:05,300 | 00:02:06,900 | Woo! | Woo! |
34 | 00:02:06,900 | 00:02:09,100 | BANGING ON DOOR | BANGING ON DOOR |
35 | 00:02:10,460 | 00:02:12,740 | Geoff. Geoff. What's up, mate? | Geoff. Geoff. What's up, mate? |
36 | 00:02:12,740 | 00:02:14,060 | He's fucked me! | He's fucked me! |
37 | 00:02:14,060 | 00:02:15,580 | My husband has fucked me! | My husband has fucked me! |
38 | 00:02:15,580 | 00:02:18,420 | Luca? No, I never want to hear that name again. | Luca? No, I never want to hear that name again. |
39 | 00:02:18,420 | 00:02:19,940 | Consider him redacted, Geoff. | Consider him redacted, Geoff. |
40 | 00:02:19,940 | 00:02:22,260 | When you say he's fucked you... Fucked me over, I mean. | When you say he's fucked you... Fucked me over, I mean. |
41 | 00:02:22,260 | 00:02:24,300 | Over in the fucking clover. | Over in the fucking clover. |
42 | 00:02:24,300 | 00:02:28,300 | He's straight, I'm straight, but he's straight-up fucked me. | He's straight, I'm straight, but he's straight-up fucked me. |
43 | 00:02:28,300 | 00:02:29,860 | One of everything, Mike. | One of everything, Mike. |
44 | 00:02:29,860 | 00:02:31,660 | I'm going to drink like it's a job | I'm going to drink like it's a job |
45 | 00:02:31,660 | 00:02:34,500 | and not stop till I piss blood. | and not stop till I piss blood. |
46 | 00:02:34,500 | 00:02:38,300 | So what happened, Geoff? With...Man X. | So what happened, Geoff? With...Man X. |
47 | 00:02:38,300 | 00:02:39,820 | He's stolen my savings | He's stolen my savings |
48 | 00:02:39,820 | 00:02:44,060 | and online auctioned all my farm machinery. | and online auctioned all my farm machinery. |
49 | 00:02:45,300 | 00:02:48,300 | He got grants to re-green my land | He got grants to re-green my land |
50 | 00:02:48,300 | 00:02:50,780 | and then bought himself a fucking Audi! | and then bought himself a fucking Audi! |
51 | 00:02:52,340 | 00:02:55,380 | I married him so he could stay in this country. | I married him so he could stay in this country. |
52 | 00:02:55,380 | 00:02:59,140 | Turns out, he's already got settled status. | Turns out, he's already got settled status. |
53 | 00:02:59,140 | 00:03:01,060 | SHE GASPS, GEOFF GULPS | SHE GASPS, GEOFF GULPS |
54 | 00:03:01,060 | 00:03:04,300 | He's made a sham of our fake marriage! | He's made a sham of our fake marriage! |
55 | 00:03:04,300 | 00:03:06,100 | And you didn't even suspect what he was up to? | And you didn't even suspect what he was up to? |
56 | 00:03:06,100 | 00:03:07,780 | I trust too much. | I trust too much. |
57 | 00:03:07,780 | 00:03:11,780 | I'm too fucking nice is my problem. | I'm too fucking nice is my problem. |
58 | 00:03:11,780 | 00:03:13,100 | Yeah. | Yeah. |
59 | 00:03:13,100 | 00:03:14,500 | Yeah, way too nice. | Yeah, way too nice. |
60 | 00:03:14,500 | 00:03:17,740 | I need to drink to forget, and then, when I've forgotten, | I need to drink to forget, and then, when I've forgotten, |
61 | 00:03:17,740 | 00:03:20,020 | I need to drink till I remember again. | I need to drink till I remember again. |
62 | 00:03:20,020 | 00:03:22,380 | And then drink till I forget | And then drink till I forget |
63 | 00:03:22,380 | 00:03:25,420 | why I'm remembering to drink to forget. | why I'm remembering to drink to forget. |
64 | 00:03:28,180 | 00:03:30,140 | That'll be £57.60, Geoff. | That'll be £57.60, Geoff. |
65 | 00:03:30,140 | 00:03:32,340 | I'll set up a tab. | I'll set up a tab. |
66 | 00:03:33,780 | 00:03:35,180 | MEOWING | MEOWING |
67 | 00:03:38,700 | 00:03:41,540 | Hi, yes, you-you asked me to... | Hi, yes, you-you asked me to... |
68 | 00:03:41,540 | 00:03:44,700 | No, I'm really not happy to be popped on hold again for... | No, I'm really not happy to be popped on hold again for... |
69 | 00:03:44,700 | 00:03:46,460 | CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE | CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE |
70 | 00:03:46,460 | 00:03:48,900 | I'm on hold. Do you have to do this now? | I'm on hold. Do you have to do this now? |
71 | 00:03:48,900 | 00:03:52,260 | I was on hold for over an hour, and then it suddenly disconnected. | I was on hold for over an hour, and then it suddenly disconnected. |
72 | 00:03:52,260 | 00:03:55,500 | Now it's taken me 35 minutes to get to a human being. | Now it's taken me 35 minutes to get to a human being. |
73 | 00:03:55,500 | 00:03:58,500 | I'm on the cusp of sorting out my unusual card activity. | I'm on the cusp of sorting out my unusual card activity. |
74 | 00:03:58,500 | 00:04:00,060 | I can't hang up. | I can't hang up. |
75 | 00:04:00,060 | 00:04:01,940 | Could you turn your music down? | Could you turn your music down? |
76 | 00:04:01,940 | 00:04:03,660 | It's not music. | It's not music. |
77 | 00:04:03,660 | 00:04:06,060 | I mean, it is music, but it's hold music. | I mean, it is music, but it's hold music. |
78 | 00:04:06,060 | 00:04:07,660 | Vivaldi now. | Vivaldi now. |
79 | 00:04:07,660 | 00:04:10,780 | It was Zoom by Fat Larry's Band a while ago. | It was Zoom by Fat Larry's Band a while ago. |
80 | 00:04:10,780 | 00:04:15,180 | Whatever it is, could you turn it down? My cat's distressed. | Whatever it is, could you turn it down? My cat's distressed. |
81 | 00:04:15,180 | 00:04:17,460 | Well, my dog's about to be executed, so, you know... | Well, my dog's about to be executed, so, you know... |
82 | 00:04:17,460 | 00:04:18,940 | Don't say that in front of Maureen! | Don't say that in front of Maureen! |
83 | 00:04:18,940 | 00:04:20,780 | Sorry. | Sorry. |
84 | 00:04:20,780 | 00:04:23,060 | Sorry, Maureen. DOG WHIMPERS | Sorry, Maureen. DOG WHIMPERS |
85 | 00:04:23,060 | 00:04:24,340 | She's had a good life. | She's had a good life. |
86 | 00:04:24,340 | 00:04:25,540 | No, she hasn't. | No, she hasn't. |
87 | 00:04:25,540 | 00:04:28,300 | She's had a grim life of misery and illness. | She's had a grim life of misery and illness. |
88 | 00:04:28,300 | 00:04:29,860 | Sure. | Sure. |
89 | 00:04:29,860 | 00:04:33,180 | But you've given her the best life she could've had. | But you've given her the best life she could've had. |
90 | 00:04:33,180 | 00:04:36,060 | What was it that Alfred Lord Tennyson said? | What was it that Alfred Lord Tennyson said? |
91 | 00:04:36,060 | 00:04:38,020 | Hiya! Hi there. | Hiya! Hi there. |
92 | 00:04:38,020 | 00:04:40,540 | Yes, happy to go through my transactions. | Yes, happy to go through my transactions. |
93 | 00:04:40,540 | 00:04:43,780 | Yes, I will have got something online at Boots. | Yes, I will have got something online at Boots. |
94 | 00:04:43,780 | 00:04:45,100 | I do that a lot. | I do that a lot. |
95 | 00:04:45,100 | 00:04:48,940 | Was it 3.99? Yes, I know what that is. | Was it 3.99? Yes, I know what that is. |
96 | 00:04:48,940 | 00:04:50,900 | She's feeling very warm. | She's feeling very warm. |
97 | 00:04:50,900 | 00:04:52,620 | That'll be the pink blanket. | That'll be the pink blanket. |
98 | 00:04:52,620 | 00:04:54,900 | No, I haven't bought a pink blanket. | No, I haven't bought a pink blanket. |
99 | 00:04:54,900 | 00:04:57,300 | My doomed dog is in one. | My doomed dog is in one. |
100 | 00:04:57,300 | 00:05:00,580 | No, no, I'm saying there's no blanket of any colour. | No, no, I'm saying there's no blanket of any colour. |
101 | 00:05:00,580 | 00:05:02,940 | No... No! MUSIC PLAYS, HE SIGHS | No... No! MUSIC PLAYS, HE SIGHS |
102 | 00:05:02,940 | 00:05:04,780 | She's popped me on hold. | She's popped me on hold. |
103 | 00:05:06,140 | 00:05:07,620 | MEOWING | MEOWING |
104 | 00:05:07,620 | 00:05:08,700 | Sorry, everyone. | Sorry, everyone. |
105 | 00:05:10,340 | 00:05:14,300 | His Facebook profile's gone. He doesn't exist. | His Facebook profile's gone. He doesn't exist. |
106 | 00:05:14,300 | 00:05:18,180 | He'll have gone dark, Geoff. Rogue. Fake ID. | He'll have gone dark, Geoff. Rogue. Fake ID. |
107 | 00:05:18,180 | 00:05:19,540 | Maybe a bit of cosmetic. | Maybe a bit of cosmetic. |
108 | 00:05:19,540 | 00:05:21,820 | Oh, no, here it is. And his Insta. | Oh, no, here it is. And his Insta. |
109 | 00:05:21,820 | 00:05:23,860 | But he's not been on there for days. | But he's not been on there for days. |
110 | 00:05:23,860 | 00:05:26,420 | You remember my late Lily's necklace? | You remember my late Lily's necklace? |
111 | 00:05:26,420 | 00:05:29,580 | The one I bought her for our tenth anniversary? | The one I bought her for our tenth anniversary? |
112 | 00:05:29,580 | 00:05:31,420 | Oh, Geoff. No. | Oh, Geoff. No. |
113 | 00:05:31,420 | 00:05:33,900 | I pawned that a couple of months, ago for betting money | I pawned that a couple of months, ago for betting money |
114 | 00:05:33,900 | 00:05:35,540 | and Luca's nicked the cash. | and Luca's nicked the cash. |
115 | 00:05:35,540 | 00:05:37,020 | He's a monster. | He's a monster. |
116 | 00:05:37,020 | 00:05:38,820 | You should go to the police, Geoff. | You should go to the police, Geoff. |
117 | 00:05:38,820 | 00:05:40,220 | I married him illegally. | I married him illegally. |
118 | 00:05:40,220 | 00:05:41,940 | They'll prosecute me. | They'll prosecute me. |
119 | 00:05:41,940 | 00:05:44,220 | Plus, I don't want coppers on my land. | Plus, I don't want coppers on my land. |
120 | 00:05:44,220 | 00:05:45,740 | The barn's a deathtrap | The barn's a deathtrap |
121 | 00:05:45,740 | 00:05:48,220 | and I've got a couple of skunk plants in my polytunnel. | and I've got a couple of skunk plants in my polytunnel. |
122 | 00:05:48,220 | 00:05:49,500 | I heard about Luca. | I heard about Luca. |
123 | 00:05:49,500 | 00:05:51,540 | I suppose I should confess now. | I suppose I should confess now. |
124 | 00:05:51,540 | 00:05:53,020 | We were seeing each other. | We were seeing each other. |
125 | 00:05:53,020 | 00:05:55,620 | Luca and I. Me and Luca. | Luca and I. Me and Luca. |
126 | 00:05:55,620 | 00:05:57,540 | Seeing each other? Yes. | Seeing each other? Yes. |
127 | 00:05:57,540 | 00:06:00,300 | More specifically, seeing each other in the nude. | More specifically, seeing each other in the nude. |
128 | 00:06:00,300 | 00:06:04,620 | My own niece slept with my husband? | My own niece slept with my husband? |
129 | 00:06:04,620 | 00:06:06,900 | That's incest! I'm sorry. | That's incest! I'm sorry. |
130 | 00:06:06,900 | 00:06:08,860 | We couldn't help ourselves. | We couldn't help ourselves. |
131 | 00:06:08,860 | 00:06:11,180 | Well, we could, but we didn't want to. | Well, we could, but we didn't want to. |
132 | 00:06:11,180 | 00:06:12,940 | Oh, well. | Oh, well. |
133 | 00:06:12,940 | 00:06:14,620 | It's a lesson learned. | It's a lesson learned. |
134 | 00:06:14,620 | 00:06:16,860 | Never trust anyone. | Never trust anyone. |
135 | 00:06:18,060 | 00:06:20,540 | Don't keep cash in an old tea caddy. | Don't keep cash in an old tea caddy. |
136 | 00:06:20,540 | 00:06:23,420 | Don't marry men for visa reasons. | Don't marry men for visa reasons. |
137 | 00:06:23,420 | 00:06:26,660 | Use a stronger password for online banking. | Use a stronger password for online banking. |
138 | 00:06:26,660 | 00:06:30,140 | A number of lessons, in actual fact. | A number of lessons, in actual fact. |
139 | 00:06:38,060 | 00:06:40,340 | SHE SNIFFLES There's a good girl. | SHE SNIFFLES There's a good girl. |
140 | 00:06:45,980 | 00:06:47,620 | It'll be very swift. | It'll be very swift. |
141 | 00:06:47,620 | 00:06:49,500 | She won't feel a thing. | She won't feel a thing. |
142 | 00:06:49,500 | 00:06:51,100 | OK. | OK. |
143 | 00:06:51,100 | 00:06:52,820 | She's been suffering a lot. | She's been suffering a lot. |
144 | 00:06:52,820 | 00:06:55,100 | You're making exactly the right decision. | You're making exactly the right decision. |
145 | 00:06:55,100 | 00:06:56,380 | Thank you. | Thank you. |
146 | 00:06:56,380 | 00:06:58,220 | That's very comforting to hear. | That's very comforting to hear. |
147 | 00:07:00,620 | 00:07:02,020 | There. | There. |
148 | 00:07:02,020 | 00:07:03,740 | Goodbye, Maureen. | Goodbye, Maureen. |
149 | 00:07:03,740 | 00:07:05,060 | Hi. | Hi. |
150 | 00:07:06,220 | 00:07:07,180 | No... | No... |
151 | 00:07:08,500 | 00:07:12,140 | No, I haven't bought a meal deal from Gordano services. | No, I haven't bought a meal deal from Gordano services. |
152 | 00:07:13,940 | 00:07:15,900 | Or any petrol, no. | Or any petrol, no. |
153 | 00:07:19,500 | 00:07:24,540 | Yes, I did rent the film Herbie Goes Bananas from Sky. | Yes, I did rent the film Herbie Goes Bananas from Sky. |
154 | 00:07:31,180 | 00:07:32,580 | Well? | Well? |
155 | 00:07:32,580 | 00:07:34,500 | Massive congratulations! | Massive congratulations! |
156 | 00:07:34,500 | 00:07:36,900 | Who doesn't love a wedding? | Who doesn't love a wedding? |
157 | 00:07:36,900 | 00:07:39,180 | Joyful news. It's weird. | Joyful news. It's weird. |
158 | 00:07:39,180 | 00:07:42,140 | But great! But weird. | But great! But weird. |
159 | 00:07:42,140 | 00:07:44,100 | If I objected, would it make any difference? | If I objected, would it make any difference? |
160 | 00:07:44,100 | 00:07:45,900 | Not really. Terrific. | Not really. Terrific. |
161 | 00:07:45,900 | 00:07:48,300 | We would love to have your blessing, though. | We would love to have your blessing, though. |
162 | 00:07:48,300 | 00:07:50,260 | Dad hasn't been dead very long. | Dad hasn't been dead very long. |
163 | 00:07:50,260 | 00:07:51,620 | It's been nine months. | It's been nine months. |
164 | 00:07:51,620 | 00:07:54,020 | A lot can happen in nine months. | A lot can happen in nine months. |
165 | 00:07:54,020 | 00:07:57,300 | Look, I don't want to seem old-fashioned... Then don't. | Look, I don't want to seem old-fashioned... Then don't. |
166 | 00:07:57,300 | 00:07:59,700 | It's not the olden days, Stephen. It's nowadays! | It's not the olden days, Stephen. It's nowadays! |
167 | 00:07:59,700 | 00:08:03,020 | And soon it'll be the future. Exactly. What does that mean? | And soon it'll be the future. Exactly. What does that mean? |
168 | 00:08:03,020 | 00:08:05,380 | Why delay happiness when it's right in front of you? | Why delay happiness when it's right in front of you? |
169 | 00:08:05,380 | 00:08:08,020 | Ellen, Mum... Aw. ..deserves to be happy, | Ellen, Mum... Aw. ..deserves to be happy, |
170 | 00:08:08,020 | 00:08:09,260 | more than anyone. | more than anyone. |
171 | 00:08:09,260 | 00:08:10,860 | And Julian can make her happy. | And Julian can make her happy. |
172 | 00:08:10,860 | 00:08:12,260 | I know you can. | I know you can. |
173 | 00:08:12,260 | 00:08:14,980 | Thank you, Andrew. Who cares what you think? I do. | Thank you, Andrew. Who cares what you think? I do. |
174 | 00:08:14,980 | 00:08:16,380 | That's why I asked him here. | That's why I asked him here. |
175 | 00:08:16,380 | 00:08:19,140 | Andrew is like a son to me. | Andrew is like a son to me. |
176 | 00:08:19,140 | 00:08:20,780 | He's not your son. | He's not your son. |
177 | 00:08:20,780 | 00:08:22,820 | It's true. I'm not. | It's true. I'm not. |
178 | 00:08:22,820 | 00:08:24,660 | I'm no-one's son. | I'm no-one's son. |
179 | 00:08:24,660 | 00:08:27,380 | And I've learned to be OK with that. | And I've learned to be OK with that. |
180 | 00:08:33,900 | 00:08:36,500 | Why are people so obsessed with change? | Why are people so obsessed with change? |
181 | 00:08:36,500 | 00:08:39,380 | Just leave things as they are for five fucking minutes. | Just leave things as they are for five fucking minutes. |
182 | 00:08:39,380 | 00:08:42,140 | Ellen and Julian are quite simply moving on with their lives. | Ellen and Julian are quite simply moving on with their lives. |
183 | 00:08:42,140 | 00:08:44,100 | That's precisely what I don't like about it. | That's precisely what I don't like about it. |
184 | 00:08:44,100 | 00:08:45,500 | I can see your point, Stephen, | I can see your point, Stephen, |
185 | 00:08:45,500 | 00:08:48,060 | but also you have had the same haircut since you were eight. | but also you have had the same haircut since you were eight. |
186 | 00:08:48,060 | 00:08:50,660 | It works. Well, I'm off to the Barleycorn. | It works. Well, I'm off to the Barleycorn. |
187 | 00:08:50,660 | 00:08:53,300 | Raise a glass to the happy couple. Welcome to come. | Raise a glass to the happy couple. Welcome to come. |
188 | 00:08:53,300 | 00:08:55,940 | You knew about this, didn't you? About the wedding? | You knew about this, didn't you? About the wedding? |
189 | 00:08:55,940 | 00:08:59,260 | Did I? Did you? Did I? Fuck off. | Did I? Did you? Did I? Fuck off. |
190 | 00:08:59,260 | 00:09:02,580 | Why are you so calm about this? The family's breaking up. | Why are you so calm about this? The family's breaking up. |
191 | 00:09:02,580 | 00:09:05,620 | The precious family that you've so charmingly infiltrated. | The precious family that you've so charmingly infiltrated. |
192 | 00:09:05,620 | 00:09:08,140 | I've embraced change, Stephen. | I've embraced change, Stephen. |
193 | 00:09:08,140 | 00:09:12,580 | I've had to. And things usually work out for me in the end. | I've had to. And things usually work out for me in the end. |
194 | 00:09:12,580 | 00:09:14,900 | Drink? Yes, please. Stick it up your arse. | Drink? Yes, please. Stick it up your arse. |
195 | 00:09:30,620 | 00:09:33,740 | God, the shit you accumulate. | God, the shit you accumulate. |
196 | 00:09:33,740 | 00:09:35,660 | What? Oh. | What? Oh. |
197 | 00:09:35,660 | 00:09:39,020 | Photos of that holiday in Corfu. Aw. Ooh... | Photos of that holiday in Corfu. Aw. Ooh... |
198 | 00:09:39,020 | 00:09:41,980 | Want them? Chuck them. DOOR CLOSES | Want them? Chuck them. DOOR CLOSES |
199 | 00:09:41,980 | 00:09:44,260 | Oh, love. We've been trying to call you. | Oh, love. We've been trying to call you. |
200 | 00:09:44,260 | 00:09:45,380 | My phone was off. | My phone was off. |
201 | 00:09:45,380 | 00:09:46,980 | Maureen was being put to sleep. | Maureen was being put to sleep. |
202 | 00:09:46,980 | 00:09:49,940 | Oh. Oh, Al. I'm-I'm so sorry. | Oh. Oh, Al. I'm-I'm so sorry. |
203 | 00:09:49,940 | 00:09:52,420 | Why didn't you leave a message? Um... Oh. | Why didn't you leave a message? Um... Oh. |
204 | 00:09:52,420 | 00:09:57,100 | Um, the message we have is not really a message sort of message. | Um, the message we have is not really a message sort of message. |
205 | 00:09:57,100 | 00:09:59,380 | What's going on? The house is on the market. | What's going on? The house is on the market. |
206 | 00:09:59,380 | 00:10:00,780 | Where are you going? | Where are you going? |
207 | 00:10:00,780 | 00:10:02,420 | I'm-I'm going to be staying locally, | I'm-I'm going to be staying locally, |
208 | 00:10:02,420 | 00:10:04,380 | so not really going anywhere. | so not really going anywhere. |
209 | 00:10:04,380 | 00:10:06,260 | But I am. | But I am. |
210 | 00:10:06,260 | 00:10:10,140 | What? Dad and I...are getting a divorce. | What? Dad and I...are getting a divorce. |
211 | 00:10:11,300 | 00:10:13,700 | Oh, I expect it's come as a bit of a shock. | Oh, I expect it's come as a bit of a shock. |
212 | 00:10:13,700 | 00:10:15,100 | You're happy together. | You're happy together. |
213 | 00:10:15,100 | 00:10:16,580 | Well, we thought we were. | Well, we thought we were. |
214 | 00:10:16,580 | 00:10:18,580 | But it turns out, we're not. | But it turns out, we're not. |
215 | 00:10:18,580 | 00:10:21,220 | It's the little things that build up. Yes. | It's the little things that build up. Yes. |
216 | 00:10:21,220 | 00:10:23,580 | I've always wanted to experience Dresden. | I've always wanted to experience Dresden. |
217 | 00:10:23,580 | 00:10:24,980 | Oh, I couldn't give two shits. | Oh, I couldn't give two shits. |
218 | 00:10:24,980 | 00:10:26,180 | But this is ridiculous. | But this is ridiculous. |
219 | 00:10:26,180 | 00:10:28,820 | You love each other. You've been together forever. | You love each other. You've been together forever. |
220 | 00:10:28,820 | 00:10:31,500 | I mean, everyone says what a perfect couple you are. | I mean, everyone says what a perfect couple you are. |
221 | 00:10:31,500 | 00:10:34,340 | You're not single people. You're a unit. | You're not single people. You're a unit. |
222 | 00:10:34,340 | 00:10:37,580 | Andrew said you might react like this. Mm. Andrew? | Andrew said you might react like this. Mm. Andrew? |
223 | 00:10:37,580 | 00:10:39,980 | He's ignited something in us both. | He's ignited something in us both. |
224 | 00:10:39,980 | 00:10:42,860 | Suddenly everything makes sense. Mm. We were just pootling along, | Suddenly everything makes sense. Mm. We were just pootling along, |
225 | 00:10:42,860 | 00:10:45,140 | both wanting things we weren't able to have, | both wanting things we weren't able to have, |
226 | 00:10:45,140 | 00:10:47,900 | but too polite to say anything. | but too polite to say anything. |
227 | 00:10:47,900 | 00:10:51,100 | And now we're so excited about our new lives. Yeah. | And now we're so excited about our new lives. Yeah. |
228 | 00:10:51,100 | 00:10:52,540 | Everything feels fresh. | Everything feels fresh. |
229 | 00:10:52,540 | 00:10:54,220 | He told me I had a waist. | He told me I had a waist. |
230 | 00:10:54,220 | 00:10:57,500 | And he understands how desperately I want to go on cruises | And he understands how desperately I want to go on cruises |
231 | 00:10:57,500 | 00:11:01,060 | and visit every country in the world and eat spicy food. | and visit every country in the world and eat spicy food. |
232 | 00:11:01,060 | 00:11:03,580 | Sorry, I-I just... I can't. Your mum will stay here. | Sorry, I-I just... I can't. Your mum will stay here. |
233 | 00:11:03,580 | 00:11:05,300 | I want to go out to work. | I want to go out to work. |
234 | 00:11:05,300 | 00:11:08,100 | And Andrew suggested... Could you stop saying Andrew? | And Andrew suggested... Could you stop saying Andrew? |
235 | 00:11:08,100 | 00:11:10,620 | Oh. He predicted this entire reaction. | Oh. He predicted this entire reaction. |
236 | 00:11:10,620 | 00:11:12,220 | Well, he's a smart guy. | Well, he's a smart guy. |
237 | 00:11:12,220 | 00:11:13,580 | Canny fellow. | Canny fellow. |
238 | 00:11:13,580 | 00:11:15,540 | Is that Kew Gardens? Oh, yes. | Is that Kew Gardens? Oh, yes. |
239 | 00:11:15,540 | 00:11:17,420 | Um, Andrew took us there. | Um, Andrew took us there. |
240 | 00:11:17,420 | 00:11:20,260 | I don't think we've laughed as much in 40 years. No. | I don't think we've laughed as much in 40 years. No. |
241 | 00:11:20,260 | 00:11:22,620 | But we always go there together. As a unit. | But we always go there together. As a unit. |
242 | 00:11:22,620 | 00:11:25,380 | Well, I know, but we did ask you. You're always so busy. | Well, I know, but we did ask you. You're always so busy. |
243 | 00:11:25,380 | 00:11:27,860 | And so when Andrew suggested it... When Andrew... Just stop. | And so when Andrew suggested it... When Andrew... Just stop. |
244 | 00:11:36,740 | 00:11:39,180 | Can't believe Mum's getting married? | Can't believe Mum's getting married? |
245 | 00:11:39,180 | 00:11:41,700 | I can't believe Mum's getting divorced. | I can't believe Mum's getting divorced. |
246 | 00:11:41,700 | 00:11:43,260 | Which is worse? | Which is worse? |
247 | 00:11:43,260 | 00:11:44,980 | Divorce, you prick. | Divorce, you prick. |
248 | 00:11:44,980 | 00:11:46,740 | Divorce is worse than marriage. | Divorce is worse than marriage. |
249 | 00:11:46,740 | 00:11:48,700 | Although, sometimes when people divorce, | Although, sometimes when people divorce, |
250 | 00:11:48,700 | 00:11:51,220 | they actually become closer than when they were married. | they actually become closer than when they were married. |
251 | 00:11:51,220 | 00:11:53,180 | A lot like us. | A lot like us. |
252 | 00:11:53,180 | 00:11:56,620 | Mum said Andrew was like the son she never had. | Mum said Andrew was like the son she never had. |
253 | 00:11:56,620 | 00:11:58,020 | So did my mum. | So did my mum. |
254 | 00:11:58,020 | 00:11:59,700 | He told her she had a waist. | He told her she had a waist. |
255 | 00:11:59,700 | 00:12:02,060 | Andrew told my mum she had a waist. | Andrew told my mum she had a waist. |
256 | 00:12:02,060 | 00:12:03,940 | Why does he get points for that? | Why does he get points for that? |
257 | 00:12:03,940 | 00:12:06,300 | Did he also tell her she has feet? | Did he also tell her she has feet? |
258 | 00:12:06,300 | 00:12:08,780 | And he indulged Dad's lurid Michael Palin fantasies. | And he indulged Dad's lurid Michael Palin fantasies. |
259 | 00:12:10,580 | 00:12:12,380 | To travel. | To travel. |
260 | 00:12:12,380 | 00:12:14,420 | Dad wants to be Phileas Fogg. | Dad wants to be Phileas Fogg. |
261 | 00:12:14,420 | 00:12:16,780 | Take the gap year he never had | Take the gap year he never had |
262 | 00:12:16,780 | 00:12:19,820 | and roam the globe like some nutty old tramp. | and roam the globe like some nutty old tramp. |
263 | 00:12:19,820 | 00:12:21,300 | I mean, it doesn't make sense. | I mean, it doesn't make sense. |
264 | 00:12:22,700 | 00:12:24,180 | It does. | It does. |
265 | 00:12:24,180 | 00:12:27,220 | He's replacing my mum with your mum. | He's replacing my mum with your mum. |
266 | 00:12:27,220 | 00:12:29,180 | He knows my mum's going to Tring, | He knows my mum's going to Tring, |
267 | 00:12:29,180 | 00:12:32,060 | so he's getting your dad out of the picture so he can have a mum. | so he's getting your dad out of the picture so he can have a mum. |
268 | 00:12:32,060 | 00:12:35,300 | He never had a mum, so he steals other people's. | He never had a mum, so he steals other people's. |
269 | 00:12:35,300 | 00:12:37,180 | He's a mother collector. | He's a mother collector. |
270 | 00:12:37,180 | 00:12:38,940 | He's on a mum safari. | He's on a mum safari. |
271 | 00:12:38,940 | 00:12:41,620 | Well, he's not adding my mother to his trophy collection. | Well, he's not adding my mother to his trophy collection. |
272 | 00:12:41,620 | 00:12:43,900 | Andrew has bitten off more than he can chew | Andrew has bitten off more than he can chew |
273 | 00:12:43,900 | 00:12:45,460 | and it's going to choke him. | and it's going to choke him. |
274 | 00:12:45,460 | 00:12:48,020 | And if it doesn't choke him, I'll set fire to his balls. | And if it doesn't choke him, I'll set fire to his balls. |
275 | 00:12:49,780 | 00:12:51,660 | Wow. OK. | Wow. OK. |
276 | 00:12:51,660 | 00:12:54,180 | That, that honestly took a turn I wasn't expecting. | That, that honestly took a turn I wasn't expecting. |
277 | 00:12:56,060 | 00:12:59,540 | Yeah, that makes total sense for Stephen to give you away. | Yeah, that makes total sense for Stephen to give you away. |
278 | 00:12:59,540 | 00:13:02,860 | Only. Only? | Only. Only? |
279 | 00:13:02,860 | 00:13:09,300 | Well, he is quite hostile to Julian, and maybe, | Well, he is quite hostile to Julian, and maybe, |
280 | 00:13:09,300 | 00:13:12,460 | I mean, stop me if this is crackers, but would it maybe | I mean, stop me if this is crackers, but would it maybe |
281 | 00:13:12,460 | 00:13:16,900 | be an olive branch, Julian, if you asked him to be your best man? | be an olive branch, Julian, if you asked him to be your best man? |
282 | 00:13:18,740 | 00:13:20,540 | Possibly. | Possibly. |
283 | 00:13:20,540 | 00:13:22,940 | Uh, I would prefer a very quiet stag night. | Uh, I would prefer a very quiet stag night. |
284 | 00:13:22,940 | 00:13:25,500 | But who would walk me down the aisle? | But who would walk me down the aisle? |
285 | 00:13:25,500 | 00:13:27,140 | Ooh. Andrew. | Ooh. Andrew. |
286 | 00:13:27,140 | 00:13:28,940 | I don't suppose you would? | I don't suppose you would? |
287 | 00:13:28,940 | 00:13:30,700 | Me? Oh, no, no, no, no. | Me? Oh, no, no, no, no. |
288 | 00:13:30,700 | 00:13:31,940 | I'm...I'm not family. | I'm...I'm not family. |
289 | 00:13:31,940 | 00:13:33,340 | Oh, but you are. | Oh, but you are. |
290 | 00:13:33,340 | 00:13:34,300 | I've got news. | I've got news. |
291 | 00:13:36,260 | 00:13:38,540 | I am with child. Pregnant. | I am with child. Pregnant. |
292 | 00:13:38,540 | 00:13:39,540 | By my uncle. | By my uncle. |
293 | 00:13:39,540 | 00:13:40,980 | ALL THREE: Geoff? | ALL THREE: Geoff? |
294 | 00:13:40,980 | 00:13:42,420 | No, Luca. | No, Luca. |
295 | 00:13:42,420 | 00:13:44,100 | He's the father of my unborn baby. | He's the father of my unborn baby. |
296 | 00:13:44,100 | 00:13:46,060 | And when it's born, my born baby. | And when it's born, my born baby. |
297 | 00:13:46,060 | 00:13:47,820 | Are you absolutely sure? | Are you absolutely sure? |
298 | 00:13:47,820 | 00:13:49,340 | Yes, I've done a test. | Yes, I've done a test. |
299 | 00:13:49,340 | 00:13:51,180 | It was negative, but a mother knows. | It was negative, but a mother knows. |
300 | 00:13:51,180 | 00:13:53,860 | But aren't those tests 99% accurate? | But aren't those tests 99% accurate? |
301 | 00:13:53,860 | 00:13:55,860 | Well, I'm in the 1%. | Well, I'm in the 1%. |
302 | 00:13:55,860 | 00:13:58,860 | I mean, look at me. I'm glowing, my bosoms are surging. | I mean, look at me. I'm glowing, my bosoms are surging. |
303 | 00:13:58,860 | 00:14:00,140 | I can feel them. | I can feel them. |
304 | 00:14:00,140 | 00:14:01,500 | Lovely. | Lovely. |
305 | 00:14:01,500 | 00:14:03,500 | You're going to be a grandmother, Mum. | You're going to be a grandmother, Mum. |
306 | 00:14:03,500 | 00:14:07,900 | Julian, a step something once removed, or something? Grandfather. | Julian, a step something once removed, or something? Grandfather. |
307 | 00:14:07,900 | 00:14:11,220 | Andrew, you're going to be a foster-uncle. | Andrew, you're going to be a foster-uncle. |
308 | 00:14:12,300 | 00:14:14,220 | Buongiorno, Bambino. | Buongiorno, Bambino. |
309 | 00:14:14,220 | 00:14:16,180 | That's "Hello, baby" in Italian. | That's "Hello, baby" in Italian. |
310 | 00:14:16,180 | 00:14:17,740 | He's bilingual. | He's bilingual. |
311 | 00:14:17,740 | 00:14:19,500 | What about your university plans? | What about your university plans? |
312 | 00:14:19,500 | 00:14:20,900 | I'm going to get a routine. | I'm going to get a routine. |
313 | 00:14:20,900 | 00:14:22,940 | Essay, feeding, nappy, lecture. | Essay, feeding, nappy, lecture. |
314 | 00:14:22,940 | 00:14:25,300 | Then sometimes the baby will be asleep, | Then sometimes the baby will be asleep, |
315 | 00:14:25,300 | 00:14:27,860 | or staring up at a mobile and smiling, like in adverts. | or staring up at a mobile and smiling, like in adverts. |
316 | 00:14:27,860 | 00:14:30,860 | And my uni mates can help raise it like in indigenous tribes, | And my uni mates can help raise it like in indigenous tribes, |
317 | 00:14:30,860 | 00:14:32,460 | or the Occupy Movement. | or the Occupy Movement. |
318 | 00:14:32,460 | 00:14:33,940 | Right. | Right. |
319 | 00:14:33,940 | 00:14:36,780 | But maybe breast-feeding in a lecture wouldn't really work. | But maybe breast-feeding in a lecture wouldn't really work. |
320 | 00:14:36,780 | 00:14:38,620 | How do you write notes? | How do you write notes? |
321 | 00:14:38,620 | 00:14:41,900 | Record them. But you might just hear suckling, rather than the lecturer | Record them. But you might just hear suckling, rather than the lecturer |
322 | 00:14:41,900 | 00:14:43,820 | and I'll probably get that sore nipple thing. | and I'll probably get that sore nipple thing. |
323 | 00:14:43,820 | 00:14:44,900 | Mad ankles. | Mad ankles. |
324 | 00:14:46,300 | 00:14:48,660 | Actually, having thought about it quite deeply, | Actually, having thought about it quite deeply, |
325 | 00:14:48,660 | 00:14:51,580 | I think I'm probably not pregnant. Those tests are 99% accurate. | I think I'm probably not pregnant. Those tests are 99% accurate. |
326 | 00:14:52,780 | 00:14:53,980 | Are they? Hm. | Are they? Hm. |
327 | 00:14:55,060 | 00:14:56,100 | Right. | Right. |
328 | 00:15:00,180 | 00:15:03,100 | I must have left my wallet on the table when I went to the loo. | I must have left my wallet on the table when I went to the loo. |
329 | 00:15:03,100 | 00:15:04,620 | Luca will have had it. | Luca will have had it. |
330 | 00:15:04,620 | 00:15:06,220 | Cloned the card. | Cloned the card. |
331 | 00:15:06,220 | 00:15:09,140 | That was him having a meal deal at Gordano services. | That was him having a meal deal at Gordano services. |
332 | 00:15:09,140 | 00:15:11,420 | Why go for a deal, if it's not your money? | Why go for a deal, if it's not your money? |
333 | 00:15:11,420 | 00:15:13,300 | He could've had any sandwich there. | He could've had any sandwich there. |
334 | 00:15:13,300 | 00:15:16,580 | Yeah, but sometimes the meal deal sandwiches are the best ones, so | Yeah, but sometimes the meal deal sandwiches are the best ones, so |
335 | 00:15:16,580 | 00:15:19,580 | you find yourself tied into a deal without really thinking about it. | you find yourself tied into a deal without really thinking about it. |
336 | 00:15:19,580 | 00:15:22,180 | Well, thanks for lending me the money to pay for Maureen. | Well, thanks for lending me the money to pay for Maureen. |
337 | 00:15:22,180 | 00:15:25,060 | There's a secret account Luca didn't know about. | There's a secret account Luca didn't know about. |
338 | 00:15:25,060 | 00:15:26,980 | Money from that compensation I got | Money from that compensation I got |
339 | 00:15:26,980 | 00:15:30,300 | when I pretended to have whiplash and hear voices. | when I pretended to have whiplash and hear voices. |
340 | 00:15:30,300 | 00:15:31,940 | How are you feeling? | How are you feeling? |
341 | 00:15:31,940 | 00:15:35,460 | I suppose I feel like I've actually got whiplash from Luca running off. | I suppose I feel like I've actually got whiplash from Luca running off. |
342 | 00:15:35,460 | 00:15:37,860 | Bruised, sore, and don't want to look behind me. | Bruised, sore, and don't want to look behind me. |
343 | 00:15:37,860 | 00:15:40,580 | I'm going to have to sell the farm, I think. | I'm going to have to sell the farm, I think. |
344 | 00:15:40,580 | 00:15:42,260 | Really? Yeah. | Really? Yeah. |
345 | 00:15:42,260 | 00:15:44,540 | Still, everyone's moving on. | Still, everyone's moving on. |
346 | 00:15:44,540 | 00:15:46,260 | Your mum's getting married | Your mum's getting married |
347 | 00:15:46,260 | 00:15:49,020 | and going to Tring, Cass'll end up at university. | and going to Tring, Cass'll end up at university. |
348 | 00:15:49,020 | 00:15:51,380 | Not much to stay here for. | Not much to stay here for. |
349 | 00:15:51,380 | 00:15:53,780 | I'm still here, Geoff. Oh, no, obviously. | I'm still here, Geoff. Oh, no, obviously. |
350 | 00:15:53,780 | 00:15:56,220 | That's a given. I mean, you're a fixture. | That's a given. I mean, you're a fixture. |
351 | 00:15:56,220 | 00:15:58,820 | Screwed to the floor like a table in a 70's Butlins. | Screwed to the floor like a table in a 70's Butlins. |
352 | 00:16:06,060 | 00:16:08,780 | Hi, erm, I'm here to pick up some ashes. | Hi, erm, I'm here to pick up some ashes. |
353 | 00:16:08,780 | 00:16:10,180 | Name? | Name? |
354 | 00:16:10,180 | 00:16:12,100 | Maureen. Surname? | Maureen. Surname? |
355 | 00:16:12,100 | 00:16:13,900 | Oh, you...you meant my name. | Oh, you...you meant my name. |
356 | 00:16:13,900 | 00:16:16,460 | Yes. Did you really think I was called Maureen? | Yes. Did you really think I was called Maureen? |
357 | 00:16:16,460 | 00:16:17,860 | I don't judge. | I don't judge. |
358 | 00:16:17,860 | 00:16:19,540 | My name is Stephen Nicholls. | My name is Stephen Nicholls. |
359 | 00:16:19,540 | 00:16:21,220 | The late dog is Maureen. | The late dog is Maureen. |
360 | 00:16:22,740 | 00:16:27,340 | That will be £120 for the procedure and £159 for the cremation. | That will be £120 for the procedure and £159 for the cremation. |
361 | 00:16:28,540 | 00:16:31,540 | Jesus. And the urn will be £66. | Jesus. And the urn will be £66. |
362 | 00:16:31,540 | 00:16:33,100 | Can I get a cheaper urn? | Can I get a cheaper urn? |
363 | 00:16:33,100 | 00:16:35,060 | No. Oh. | No. Oh. |
364 | 00:16:35,060 | 00:16:38,020 | The vet's put a note on Maureen's postmortem report, | The vet's put a note on Maureen's postmortem report, |
365 | 00:16:38,020 | 00:16:41,260 | saying there was small traces of rat poison in her system. | saying there was small traces of rat poison in her system. |
366 | 00:16:41,260 | 00:16:43,220 | Oh. OK. | Oh. OK. |
367 | 00:16:43,220 | 00:16:45,180 | Dogs will eat anything. | Dogs will eat anything. |
368 | 00:16:45,180 | 00:16:48,060 | We had a dog in here last week that ate her foot. | We had a dog in here last week that ate her foot. |
369 | 00:16:48,060 | 00:16:50,260 | I'll go fetch that urn. | I'll go fetch that urn. |
370 | 00:16:57,700 | 00:16:59,500 | Don't come too close. Rat traps. | Don't come too close. Rat traps. |
371 | 00:16:59,500 | 00:17:01,780 | What the fuck have you done to my parents? | What the fuck have you done to my parents? |
372 | 00:17:01,780 | 00:17:02,900 | Oh, you've seen them? | Oh, you've seen them? |
373 | 00:17:02,900 | 00:17:04,420 | And we spoke on the phone just now. | And we spoke on the phone just now. |
374 | 00:17:04,420 | 00:17:06,900 | They said you told them they shouldn't have any regrets. | They said you told them they shouldn't have any regrets. |
375 | 00:17:06,900 | 00:17:08,380 | And they shouldn't. | And they shouldn't. |
376 | 00:17:08,380 | 00:17:11,820 | My dad wants to go to Micronesia and just stop shaving. | My dad wants to go to Micronesia and just stop shaving. |
377 | 00:17:11,820 | 00:17:15,020 | He says he feels neutered and he's fed up with semi-skimmed milk | He says he feels neutered and he's fed up with semi-skimmed milk |
378 | 00:17:15,020 | 00:17:17,420 | and he wants to watch a John Wick movie at the IMAX. | and he wants to watch a John Wick movie at the IMAX. |
379 | 00:17:17,420 | 00:17:20,140 | And Wendy has felt trapped and diminished for years. | And Wendy has felt trapped and diminished for years. |
380 | 00:17:20,140 | 00:17:22,420 | They weren't happy, and now they're very happy. | They weren't happy, and now they're very happy. |
381 | 00:17:22,420 | 00:17:23,500 | They were happy. | They were happy. |
382 | 00:17:23,500 | 00:17:26,220 | They just didn't show it because they both went to a grammar school. | They just didn't show it because they both went to a grammar school. |
383 | 00:17:26,220 | 00:17:27,780 | Look, this was always going to happen. | Look, this was always going to happen. |
384 | 00:17:27,780 | 00:17:29,380 | You can't put a cork in a volcano. | You can't put a cork in a volcano. |
385 | 00:17:29,380 | 00:17:31,660 | I just helped them give voice to their feelings. | I just helped them give voice to their feelings. |
386 | 00:17:31,660 | 00:17:33,300 | I've been a facilitator. | I've been a facilitator. |
387 | 00:17:33,300 | 00:17:35,660 | But they've workshopped their own future. | But they've workshopped their own future. |
388 | 00:17:35,660 | 00:17:37,620 | You took them to Kew fucking Gardens. | You took them to Kew fucking Gardens. |
389 | 00:17:37,620 | 00:17:39,100 | Only because you couldn't. | Only because you couldn't. |
390 | 00:17:39,100 | 00:17:41,940 | They asked, but you were, understandably, so busy. | They asked, but you were, understandably, so busy. |
391 | 00:17:41,940 | 00:17:44,740 | Look, Alison, we both want the same things for them, right? | Look, Alison, we both want the same things for them, right? |
392 | 00:17:44,740 | 00:17:46,620 | Happiness, fulfilment, independence. | Happiness, fulfilment, independence. |
393 | 00:17:46,620 | 00:17:48,140 | My mum is not your mum. | My mum is not your mum. |
394 | 00:17:48,140 | 00:17:49,380 | Yes, I'm aware of that. | Yes, I'm aware of that. |
395 | 00:17:49,380 | 00:17:51,140 | The last time I saw my mum, | The last time I saw my mum, |
396 | 00:17:51,140 | 00:17:53,140 | I was ten and about to be taken back into care. | I was ten and about to be taken back into care. |
397 | 00:17:53,140 | 00:17:55,500 | Look, I'm just trying to help your mum out. | Look, I'm just trying to help your mum out. |
398 | 00:17:55,500 | 00:17:57,700 | That's all. You've underestimated me, Andrew. | That's all. You've underestimated me, Andrew. |
399 | 00:17:58,860 | 00:18:00,820 | Oh, I could never underestimate you, Alison. | Oh, I could never underestimate you, Alison. |
400 | 00:18:00,820 | 00:18:03,100 | You're the smartest person around here. | You're the smartest person around here. |
401 | 00:18:03,100 | 00:18:04,100 | I am. | I am. |
402 | 00:18:04,100 | 00:18:07,300 | I mean, I don't want to be arrogant, but I am very clever. | I mean, I don't want to be arrogant, but I am very clever. |
403 | 00:18:07,300 | 00:18:08,460 | And I'm onto you. | And I'm onto you. |
404 | 00:18:12,020 | 00:18:13,860 | My mum tells me she's got a job. | My mum tells me she's got a job. |
405 | 00:18:13,860 | 00:18:16,420 | Do you know where she's going to be working? Yeah. | Do you know where she's going to be working? Yeah. |
406 | 00:18:16,420 | 00:18:17,660 | Here. | Here. |
407 | 00:18:17,660 | 00:18:20,020 | And when she says she'll be staying locally? | And when she says she'll be staying locally? |
408 | 00:18:20,020 | 00:18:21,940 | There's a room at the Barleycorn, if she needs it. | There's a room at the Barleycorn, if she needs it. |
409 | 00:18:21,940 | 00:18:24,220 | Or she might decide on a little flat in town. | Or she might decide on a little flat in town. |
410 | 00:18:24,220 | 00:18:26,460 | Like I say, it's all her decision. | Like I say, it's all her decision. |
411 | 00:18:32,100 | 00:18:34,660 | Oh, of course he poisoned Maureen. | Oh, of course he poisoned Maureen. |
412 | 00:18:34,660 | 00:18:37,540 | The Barleycorn traps have always been snap traps. | The Barleycorn traps have always been snap traps. |
413 | 00:18:37,540 | 00:18:39,900 | There's a lot of local cats and there's never, | There's a lot of local cats and there's never, |
414 | 00:18:39,900 | 00:18:42,660 | ever been any poison put down, but do you think that...? | ever been any poison put down, but do you think that...? |
415 | 00:18:42,660 | 00:18:44,060 | Aw, come on. | Aw, come on. |
416 | 00:18:44,060 | 00:18:47,420 | How much of a coincidence is it that Maureen has rat poison in her, | How much of a coincidence is it that Maureen has rat poison in her, |
417 | 00:18:47,420 | 00:18:50,100 | and then I see Andrew laying rat traps? | and then I see Andrew laying rat traps? |
418 | 00:18:50,100 | 00:18:52,900 | Do we think Andrew would deliberately kill a dog? | Do we think Andrew would deliberately kill a dog? |
419 | 00:18:52,900 | 00:18:54,340 | We do. | We do. |
420 | 00:18:54,340 | 00:18:58,260 | He would kill a dog and fuck a cat and eat a rat, | He would kill a dog and fuck a cat and eat a rat, |
421 | 00:18:58,260 | 00:19:00,220 | all before Homes Under the Hammer started. | all before Homes Under the Hammer started. |
422 | 00:19:00,220 | 00:19:01,740 | I mean, poor Maureen, | I mean, poor Maureen, |
423 | 00:19:01,740 | 00:19:04,260 | she never stood a chance against that sick fucker. | she never stood a chance against that sick fucker. |
424 | 00:19:04,260 | 00:19:07,260 | But why? Because he set his sights on me. | But why? Because he set his sights on me. |
425 | 00:19:07,260 | 00:19:09,540 | He is destroying everything I love. | He is destroying everything I love. |
426 | 00:19:09,540 | 00:19:11,580 | My mum, working as a barmaid. | My mum, working as a barmaid. |
427 | 00:19:11,580 | 00:19:14,660 | I mean, I don't want to sound like a snob, but fuck it all to hell. | I mean, I don't want to sound like a snob, but fuck it all to hell. |
428 | 00:19:14,660 | 00:19:16,940 | Well, with my mum off to pastures, | Well, with my mum off to pastures, |
429 | 00:19:16,940 | 00:19:18,700 | Tring with the Reverend Hot pants, | Tring with the Reverend Hot pants, |
430 | 00:19:18,700 | 00:19:21,340 | there's a Mum-shaped hole at the pub. | there's a Mum-shaped hole at the pub. |
431 | 00:19:21,340 | 00:19:23,820 | This actually feels weirdly good. | This actually feels weirdly good. |
432 | 00:19:23,820 | 00:19:28,540 | That finally someone else truly and fully sees what Andrew's capable of. | That finally someone else truly and fully sees what Andrew's capable of. |
433 | 00:19:28,540 | 00:19:30,300 | Oh, I can see it, all right. | Oh, I can see it, all right. |
434 | 00:19:30,300 | 00:19:33,340 | Up to now, I've...I've felt like the boy in the fairy tale who can | Up to now, I've...I've felt like the boy in the fairy tale who can |
435 | 00:19:33,340 | 00:19:34,980 | see that the emperor's naked | see that the emperor's naked |
436 | 00:19:34,980 | 00:19:37,380 | and he's whacking people in the eyes with his cock. | and he's whacking people in the eyes with his cock. |
437 | 00:19:39,980 | 00:19:41,340 | Let's kill him, | Let's kill him, |
438 | 00:19:41,340 | 00:19:44,460 | bury his head at Land's End and his body at John o'Groats. | bury his head at Land's End and his body at John o'Groats. |
439 | 00:19:44,460 | 00:19:46,740 | What do you think? Hire a hit man? | What do you think? Hire a hit man? |
440 | 00:19:46,740 | 00:19:48,580 | Um... | Um... |
441 | 00:19:48,580 | 00:19:51,420 | Or, or we could fake an accident. | Or, or we could fake an accident. |
442 | 00:19:51,420 | 00:19:54,620 | Too much to drink, handbrake off, over a cliff. | Too much to drink, handbrake off, over a cliff. |
443 | 00:19:56,140 | 00:19:58,220 | Mm. | Mm. |
444 | 00:19:58,220 | 00:20:00,420 | Yeah, we should definitely murder Andrew. | Yeah, we should definitely murder Andrew. |
445 | 00:20:02,220 | 00:20:03,980 | It's what Maureen would've wanted. | It's what Maureen would've wanted. |
446 | 00:20:12,620 | 00:20:15,740 | Geoff, Mike and I have been talking. | Geoff, Mike and I have been talking. |
447 | 00:20:16,860 | 00:20:18,500 | About, about lots of things. | About, about lots of things. |
448 | 00:20:18,500 | 00:20:21,180 | Pasties, how you can't get wellies in half sizes, | Pasties, how you can't get wellies in half sizes, |
449 | 00:20:21,180 | 00:20:25,740 | what tombola means, why don't dad's whistle any more? | what tombola means, why don't dad's whistle any more? |
450 | 00:20:27,100 | 00:20:30,300 | And...and about you, Geoff. | And...and about you, Geoff. |
451 | 00:20:30,300 | 00:20:31,900 | When you sell the farm, | When you sell the farm, |
452 | 00:20:31,900 | 00:20:34,580 | we don't like to think of you having to move away. | we don't like to think of you having to move away. |
453 | 00:20:34,580 | 00:20:38,100 | So would you like to move in with us? | So would you like to move in with us? |
454 | 00:20:38,100 | 00:20:39,580 | We've got a spare room. | We've got a spare room. |
455 | 00:20:41,620 | 00:20:43,740 | No. Oh. | No. Oh. |
456 | 00:20:43,740 | 00:20:47,460 | That's very kind, but I sort of like the idea of getting way. | That's very kind, but I sort of like the idea of getting way. |
457 | 00:20:47,460 | 00:20:51,340 | This place can cramp you, keep you down, hobble you. | This place can cramp you, keep you down, hobble you. |
458 | 00:20:51,340 | 00:20:53,060 | Just look at Stephen. | Just look at Stephen. |
459 | 00:20:53,060 | 00:20:54,820 | Yeah. Tragic. | Yeah. Tragic. |
460 | 00:20:54,820 | 00:20:56,100 | And you guys. | And you guys. |
461 | 00:20:57,620 | 00:20:58,580 | I know. | I know. |
462 | 00:20:59,780 | 00:21:01,180 | Yeah. | Yeah. |
463 | 00:21:01,180 | 00:21:02,220 | Fucking hell. | Fucking hell. |
464 | 00:21:04,060 | 00:21:06,420 | We can do it. Kill him. | We can do it. Kill him. |
465 | 00:21:06,420 | 00:21:08,900 | I mean, who would care? He doesn't have anyone. | I mean, who would care? He doesn't have anyone. |
466 | 00:21:08,900 | 00:21:11,180 | He has our mum's. They love him. | He has our mum's. They love him. |
467 | 00:21:11,180 | 00:21:12,860 | Aw, they're under his spell. | Aw, they're under his spell. |
468 | 00:21:12,860 | 00:21:15,140 | He's like a... God, what's he like? | He's like a... God, what's he like? |
469 | 00:21:15,140 | 00:21:16,580 | A warlock? | A warlock? |
470 | 00:21:16,580 | 00:21:19,220 | Warlock? No, he's not like a fucking warlock. | Warlock? No, he's not like a fucking warlock. |
471 | 00:21:19,220 | 00:21:21,620 | Whatever he is, he needs to be stopped. | Whatever he is, he needs to be stopped. |
472 | 00:21:21,620 | 00:21:23,180 | You and me. | You and me. |
473 | 00:21:23,180 | 00:21:24,780 | Like Bonnie and Clyde. | Like Bonnie and Clyde. |
474 | 00:21:24,780 | 00:21:26,340 | Can I be Clyde? | Can I be Clyde? |
475 | 00:21:26,340 | 00:21:29,340 | I...I mean, in terms of the energy, you're obviously Clyde, | I...I mean, in terms of the energy, you're obviously Clyde, |
476 | 00:21:29,340 | 00:21:31,620 | but for my own masculine pride, I... | but for my own masculine pride, I... |
477 | 00:21:31,620 | 00:21:33,100 | Are you in this with me? | Are you in this with me? |
478 | 00:21:33,100 | 00:21:35,820 | I need you in this with me. | I need you in this with me. |
479 | 00:21:35,820 | 00:21:38,260 | I am. I bloody am. | I am. I bloody am. |
480 | 00:21:38,260 | 00:21:40,540 | Yes, let's kill the motherfucker. | Yes, let's kill the motherfucker. |
481 | 00:21:40,540 | 00:21:41,540 | The Aye's have it. | The Aye's have it. |
482 | 00:21:46,860 | 00:21:48,780 | I haven't done my teeth. | I haven't done my teeth. |
483 | 00:21:59,420 | 00:22:00,500 | You awake? | You awake? |
484 | 00:22:02,500 | 00:22:04,780 | You know what? | You know what? |
485 | 00:22:04,780 | 00:22:06,340 | Citalopram. | Citalopram. |
486 | 00:22:06,340 | 00:22:07,700 | Sertraline. | Sertraline. |
487 | 00:22:09,020 | 00:22:10,500 | They can go get fucked. | They can go get fucked. |
488 | 00:22:12,140 | 00:22:13,780 | I just needed to have sex. | I just needed to have sex. |
489 | 00:22:15,300 | 00:22:17,060 | And I'm cured. | And I'm cured. |
490 | 00:22:17,060 | 00:22:18,100 | I found her. | I found her. |
491 | 00:22:19,980 | 00:22:22,260 | Who? Andrew's birth mum. | Who? Andrew's birth mum. |
492 | 00:22:22,260 | 00:22:23,180 | I found her. | I found her. |
493 | 00:22:23,180 | 00:22:24,980 | How? | How? |
494 | 00:22:24,980 | 00:22:28,380 | Got access to databases I maybe shouldn't have access to. | Got access to databases I maybe shouldn't have access to. |
495 | 00:22:28,380 | 00:22:30,780 | Called in favours, offered favours. | Called in favours, offered favours. |
496 | 00:22:30,780 | 00:22:34,260 | Eight hours of clicking and I think I found her. | Eight hours of clicking and I think I found her. |
497 | 00:22:35,780 | 00:22:38,060 | Do...do...do you still want to kill him, Bonnie? | Do...do...do you still want to kill him, Bonnie? |
498 | 00:22:38,060 | 00:22:39,300 | No, Clyde. | No, Clyde. |
499 | 00:22:39,300 | 00:22:41,260 | Worse than killing him. | Worse than killing him. |
500 | 00:22:41,260 | 00:22:44,700 | I want to fuck his head up completely via his mum. | I want to fuck his head up completely via his mum. |
501 | 00:22:44,700 | 00:22:47,180 | We're not doormats any more, me and you. | We're not doormats any more, me and you. |
502 | 00:22:47,180 | 00:22:49,980 | We are the dirty boots on the doormat. | We are the dirty boots on the doormat. |
503 | 00:22:49,980 | 00:22:53,100 | I'm going to fuck his mum and you're going to watch. | I'm going to fuck his mum and you're going to watch. |
504 | 00:22:53,100 | 00:22:54,540 | This is brilliant. | This is brilliant. |
505 | 00:22:54,540 | 00:22:56,420 | Do you want more sex? Yes. | Do you want more sex? Yes. |
506 | 00:22:56,420 | 00:22:58,100 | I do. | I do. |
507 | 00:22:58,100 | 00:22:59,980 | I do want more sex. | I do want more sex. |
508 | 00:22:59,980 | 00:23:02,060 | Thank you. | Thank you. |
509 | 00:23:02,060 | 00:23:05,140 | # Have you ever made love to a beautiful girl? | # Have you ever made love to a beautiful girl? |
510 | 00:23:05,140 | 00:23:08,220 | # Made you feel like it's not such a bad world | # Made you feel like it's not such a bad world |
511 | 00:23:08,220 | 00:23:12,060 | # Hey, man, now you're really living | # Hey, man, now you're really living |
512 | 00:23:12,060 | 00:23:15,060 | # Now you're really giving everything | # Now you're really giving everything |
513 | 00:23:15,060 | 00:23:17,900 | # And you're really getting all you can | # And you're really getting all you can |
514 | 00:23:17,900 | 00:23:21,420 | # Now you're really living what this life is all about. # | # Now you're really living what this life is all about. # |
515 | 00:23:21,420 | 00:23:24,380 | Subtitles by Red Bee Media | Subtitles by Red Bee Media |