Oh
A newlywed couple just moved to town
A regular husband and wife
Who left the big city To find a quiet life
WandaVision!
She's a magical gal In a small town locale
He's a hubby who's part machine
How will this duo fit in and fulfill all?
By sharing a love like you've never seen
WandaVision!
My wife and her flying saucers.
My husband and his indestructible head.
Aren't we a fine pair?
What do you say to silver dollar pancakes, crispy hash browns, bacon, eggs,
freshly squeezed orange juice, and black coffee?
I say, "Oh, I don't eat food."
Well, that explains the empty refrigerator.
- Wanda? - Hmm?
Is there something special about today?
Well, I know the apron is a bit much, dear,
but I am doing my best to blend in.
No, no, there on the calendar.
Someone's drawn a little heart right above today's date.
- Oh, yes, the heart. - Hmm...
Well, don't tell me you have forgotten, Vis.
"Forgotten"?
Oh, Wanda, I'm incapable of forgetfulness. I remember everything.
That's not an exaggeration. In fact, I'm incapable of exaggeration.
Well, then tell me what's so important about today's date.
What was the question again?
Oh, well, perhaps, you've forgotten yourself.
Me? Heavens, no. I've been so looking forward to it.
As have I.
Today, we are celebrating...
You bet we are.
- It's the first time we... - Mmm-hmm.
...have ever celebrated this occasion before.
It's a special day!
- Perhaps an evening... - Of great significance...
- To us both! - Naturally.
- Obviously. - Exactly.
Well done, us.
All right.
Well, that's me off to work, then.
Oh, don't forget!
I haven't.
Have a good day, dear!
Oh!
Hello, dear. I'm Agnes, your neighbor to the right.
My right, not yours.
Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block.
My mother-in-law was in town, so I wasn't.
So, what's your name? Where are you from?
And most importantly, how's your bridge game, hon?
I'm Wanda.
Wanda. Charmed.
Golly, you settled in fast!
Did you use a moving company?
I sure did. Those boxes don't move themselves.
So what's a single gal like you doing rattling around this big house?
Oh, no, I'm not single.
Oh, I don't see a ring.
Well, I assure you I'm married.
To a man. A human one and tall.
As a matter of fact, he'll be home later tonight for a special occasion.
Just the two of us.
Oh, is it somebody's birthday?
Not a birthday.
Well, today isn't a holiday, is it?
No, it's not a holiday.
An anniversary then?
Ye... Yes!
Yes! It's our anniversary!
Oh, how marvelous!
How many years?
Well, it feels like we've always been together.
Lucky gal.
The only way Ralph would remember our anniversary
is if there was a beer named June 2nd.
- So, what do you have planned? - How do you mean?
For your special night.
A young thing like you doesn't have to do much,
but it's still fun to set the scene.
Say, I was just reading a crackerjack magazine article
called "How To Treat Your Husband To Keep Your Husband,"
and let me tell you, what Ralph could really use
is, "How To Goose Your Wife So You Don't Lose Your Wife."
Hang on. I'll go grab it and we can start planning.
Oh, this is gonna be a gas!
Oh...
Or you don't go out Friday night Yakety yak!
You just put on your coat and hat
Here are those computational forms that you requested, Norm.
There you go.
Gee willikers, that was fast!
Hey, the music isn't bothering you, is it, pal?
In terms of distraction from work,
or the largely nonsensical nature of the lyrics?
- The first one. - Ah, no, thank you, Norm.
Hey, is there somethin' I can help you with, buddy?
Yes, as a matter of fact, there is.
Would you be so good as to tell me what it is we do here exactly?
Do we make something?
- No. - Right.
Do we buy or sell something?
No and no.
Then what is the purpose of this company?
All I know is, since you've gotten here, productivity has gone up 300%.
Yes, but what is it we're producing?
Computational forms.
And no one can process the data quite like you do, pal.
You're like a walking computer.
What? I most certainly am not.
I'm a regular carbon-based employee made entirely of organic matter,
much like yourself, Norm.
Hey! What's got your feathers all ruffled?
Yes, I'm sorry, I'm a tad on edge.
You see, it appears there's something special about today,
special to Wanda, that's my wife,
and gee, I can't, for the life of me, recall what it is.
Mmm... Oh!
Good to see you.
- Vision. - Yes?
Wife and I are looking forward to this evening.
Mr. Hart. Of course!
Dinner with Mr. Hart and his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart.
That's what I said. What's wrong with you?
- Have you got a screw loose? - Oh, no, sir. Screws all tightened, sir.
Yes, I should hope so.
Employee dinners are a rite of passage
- for the new hires. - Ah.
Jones over there failed miserably.
Isn't that right, Jones?
The wife thought five courses would be sufficient.
And there was that paltry excuse for entertainment.
A string quartet?
And then you had that embarrassing display of beatnik enthusiasm.
I wore a turtleneck.
Yes. Best of luck out there in the unemployment line, Jones.
You know, I owe my success to being a keen judge of character.
No skeletons in your closet, eh, Vision?
I don't have a skeleton, sir.
Glad to hear it. Your future in this company depends on it.
And you don't have a song?
Nothing special you played at your wedding?
No, nothing special.
I'll just loan you some records then.
So, we've got music covered, decor, wardrobe. Oh!
What about seduction techniques?
Oh, I have those.
Of course, you do.
Just out of curiosity, what does it say?
That you should stumble when you walk into a room so he can catch you.
It's romantic.
Any other tricks?
You could point out that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men.
Now, that's romantic.
Oh!
Vision residence.
- Wanda, darling. - Vision, sweetheart.
Listen, about tonight...
Don't worry, dear. I have everything under control.
Oh, well, that is a relief.
I must confess, I'm really rather nervous.
"Nervous"? Whatever for?
Well, you know, darling, I still get a little tongue-tied.
Vis, after all this time...
There's an awful lot riding on this one, Wanda.
If tonight doesn't go just so, I think this could be the end.
Well, it's just one night. There's no need to get dramatic.
Look, I think the best course of action is to impress the wife.
And I think the best course of action is to impress the husband.
Well, wonderful!
Glad to know we're both on the same page.
Until tonight, then, my, darling.
Until tonight.
Oh...
Is your husband tired of you burning his toast?
Try our new and improved ToastMate 2000.
It's the go-to for clever housewives.
Say, this machine has some shine.
You said it.
Set the dial and get the taste back into your toast.
Top and bottom heating elements can handle anything
from meatloaf, to cherry pie, to open-faced cheese sandwiches.
The all new ToastMate 2000 by Stark Industries.
Forget the past. This is your future.
Here we are!
Oh!
How very atmospheric!
What's going on here, Vision? You blow a fuse?
Pardon me while I just go and fetch the lady of the house.
Guess who?
Wanda!
Oh! Oh!
Ah...
What is the meaning of this?
Well, what is...
Yeah, what is the meaning of...
Oh, the meaning of it!
You want to know the meaning of it and the meaning of it
is that this is the traditional Sokovian greeting of hospitality.
- Guess who? - Is that my host behind me?
It certainly is.
- Lovely to make your acquaintance. - Yes!
See, I forgot to tell you my wife is from Europe.
Oh, how exotic!
We don't break bread with Bolsheviks.
Oh, hush, Arthur!
And that dress!
Yes! It's... It's so... Sokovian, is what it is! Yes!
Can I just see you in the kitchen for a moment, sweetheart?
Oh, yes!
- Who are those people? - What are you wearing?
- Why are they here? - What are you wearing?
Well, it's our anniversary!
Our anniversary of what?
Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!
That... That man through there is my boss, Mr. Hart!
And his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart!
The heart on the calendar was an abbreviation!
You move at the speed of sound and I can make a pen float through the air.
Who needs to abbreviate?
Darling, listen, it's all romantic to do the candles, the music,
- that stunning outfit... - Well...
I don't wanna be unappreciative, but right now...
Your boss and his wife are expecting a home-cooked meal.
Exactly.
Any chance they'd settle
for a single chocolate-covered strawberry split three ways?
Uh...
I might have a better idea.
Hmm.
So I said, "If we orient the forms horizontally rather than vertically,
"we can use twice the paper, we can bill twice the cost."
You truly are a pioneer!
But the larger purpose of the forms is...
Was to analyze our input and our output.
Huh.
You're awfully dense, aren't you, Vision?
Oh, Agnes! You're a life-saver!
What kind of housewife would I be
if I didn't have a gourmet meal for four just lying about the place?
Well...
Not that Ralph ever wants to eat anything but baked beans
which explains a lot about his personal appeal, mind you.
- Oh, my! - Oh! Oh!
Do you think Wanda needs help in the kitchen?
We haven't any tidbits or tartlets out here,
nary a pig in a blanket.
No, that's so kind of you, Mrs. Hart.
But I'm sure she's absolutely fine in there!
Oh, thank you, Agnes. I think I've got it covered from here.
- Oh, are you sure, dear? - Hmm.
Many hands make light work. And many mouths make good gossip.
Oh, shall I just pre-heat the oven then, dear?
- That won't be necessary. - Oh, All right, then.
Well, I know you're in a pinch so this menu can be done in a snap.
Lobster Thermidor with mini-minced meat turnovers to start.
Chicken à la King with twice-cooked new potatoes for your second course,
and Steak Diane and mint jellies for your main.
Do you set your own jellies, dear?
- Yes. - Good girl.
Recipe cards are on the counter there.
Bon appétit!
Oh!
Oh, oh.
You men stay put.
- I sense a domestic emergency, so... - Mrs. Hart, please don't. You can't.
You... Please...
Yeah, take out the papers and the trash
Or you won't get no spending cash
If you don't scrub the kitchen floor
You ain't gonna rock and roll no more
Yakety yak! Don't talk back
Well, why don't we have a nice sing-a-long, all together then, shall we?
Oh, no, too much!
Oh, no, not enough!
Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee-I-Ee-I-O
And on that farm he had a...
had a...
Pig.
Ee-I-Ee-I-O
- With a... - Oink, oink...
- Here and a... - Oink, oink...
-There -Here an oink, there an oink
Everywhere an oink, oink
Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee-I-Ee-I-O
Oh, what was I supposed to do next? Oh, what was the main course again?
It was... Steak...
No. Steak...
Steak... Diane!
Yes?
Oh, I think that must be my wife summoning me.
She calls you "Diane?"
Yes, it's her pet name for me.
I'm just coming, Fred.
Excuse me a moment.
Oh, no.
How can I be of assistance?
Well, the chicken is no longer a chicken and the lobsters just flew the coop
so the steak is the last man standing.
It says here I can cut down the prep time with a meat tenderizer.
Excellent plan. Where's the tenderizer?
- I'm looking at him. - Ah.
Hoo-hoo in there!
Hoo-hoo back to you!
Okay.
Finish the meat, find the lobsters. I'll be right back.
I hope you're hungry.
Starved, is more like it.
My head is starting to feel woozy.
Were either of you aware
that married men are killing single men at an alarming rate?
What are you going on about?-
And what's going on in there?
Who could that be?
Coming!
Oh, you didn't answer the back door.
For your upside-down cake.
Oh! Hi, I...
Who was that?
- A salesman! - Telegram!
A man selling telegrams.
Wouldn't you know it. Good news is more expensive.
I couldn't find the lobsters and did you want the meat tender or pulverized?
Oh, dear.
Well. I think tonight's going swimmingly.
Anyone for Parcheesi?
- My head is spinning. - Oh, Mrs. Hart...
Did you hear that? My wife's head is spinning.
Generally speaking, I don't like her head to do that.
Time to improvise.
You know, I'm beginning to think you're not management material, Vision.
You know, I had high hopes for you.
But from what I've seen here tonight, you can barely keep it together.
I mean, look around. There's all this chaos going on in your household.
Now, when are we gonna eat?
Dinner is served.
Ah!
Breakfast for dinner?
How very...
European.
Ooh! Let's have a toast!
To my lovely and talented wife.
To our esteemed guests.
Yes. Cin cin.
Cheers.
Well, please eat before it gets cold.
- Hmm? - Oh, Mrs. Hart, allow me.
So, where did you two move from?
What brought you here?
How long have you been married? And why don't you have children yet?
I think what my wife means to say is that we moved from...
Yes, we moved from...
And we were married...
Yes, yes, we were married in...
Well? Moved from where? Married when?
Now, patience, Arthur.
They're setting up their story. Let them tell it.
We... our story.
Yes, what exactly is your story?
Oh, just leave the poor kids alone.
No, really, I mean, I think it's a perfectly simple question.
Honestly.
Why did you come here?
Why?
Damn it, why? Why did you...
Oh, Arthur, stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it.
Vision, help him.
Let me help you up.
Give me your hand.
All right, steady on, sir.
Well, would you look at the time?
Yes. We'd better be going.
Well... Are you both all right?
We had such a lovely time.
This guest is leaving your home.
You made me proud tonight, son.
First thing Monday morning, you and me are gonna have a little chat.
We'll see about that promotion.
Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!
Thank you.
Oh...
What a charming door knocker.
Good night!
We are an unusual couple, ya know?
Oh, I don't think that was ever in question.
Well, what I mean is... We don't have an anniversary.
- Huh. - Or a song.
Or even wedding rings.
Well, we could remedy that.
Today could be our anniversary.
Of what? Surviving our first dinner party?
Precisely. And our song could be?
Yakety Yak, naturally.
- Naturally. - Hmm.
And the rings?
Well, couldn't you make some for us?
I do.
Do you?
Yes. I do.
And they lived happily ever after.
What was that?
Wanda?
Yes, dear?
Are you using your powers to turn on the light?
Yes, dear.
Allow me, sweetheart.
What do you see?
Only your lovely rose bushes.
That's all?
Are you using your night vision, Vision?
I assure you, my love, I see nothing amiss.
You have absolutely no reason to be frightened…
You were saying?
Actually, I did overhear a couple of lads at work
remarking on a few unsavory characters settling in the neighborhood.
Now, who knows what those ne'er-do-wells might be up to?
Robbing houses, vandalizing property.
Walking through walls, moving objects without touching them.
Wanda, darling, you can't be suggesting my colleagues were referring to us.
One of us should really determine the source of that sound.
Yes, one of us should.
Oh, this is getting ridiculous.
I'm going to take a look.
Oh, God! Darling!
Well, I think we handled that well.
Yes, I must say I'm rather proud of myself.
And look how you seized on the opportunity to redecorate.
- This is better, isn't it? - Mmm.
Wanda, darling?
Yes, dear?
Get the light.
♪ WandaVision! ♪
♪ WandaVision Wa-WandaVision ♪
♪ WandaVision! ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, for my final trick,
I bring you the Cabinet of Mysteries.
- Darling, that's your cue. - You said, "Cabinet of Mysteries?"
I said, "The Cabinet of Mysteries."
Oh, that's my cue. Ooh!
Holy Toledo!
Darling, do all the other acts in the talent show
have such elaborate props?
Are you kidding?
Fred and Linda are building a moat
and a fully-functioning portcullis and no one even knows why.
Let's keep going.
Yes, yes. Where was I? Um…
Watch closely as I, Illusion, Master of Enigma,
make my captivating assistant, Glamour, disappear.
You really are very dashing.
Mmm, thank you, darling.
Fear not, Glamour.
For I, Illusion, vow to bring you back exactly as you are.
Abracadabra!
Ta-ta…
Yes, um, Wanda, you're not at all worried
that the audience might just see through this little charade?
Well, that's the whole point.
In a real magic act, everything is fake.
Darling, the talent show fundraiser is the most important event of the season
and it's our neighborly duty to participate.
Plus, it's our chance to appear as normal as possible while doing so.
Well, I don't think that should be a problem.
This is our home now.
I want us to fit in.
Oh, darling, we do. We shall.
And we're gonna knock their socks off,
especially with you wearing this.
Oh, that's actually the rest of your costume.
Oh!
Well, I better get going
If I'm gonna make the planning committee meeting.
That's me off as well, actually.
There's a gathering of the neighborhood watch
at the public library.
And after last night's excitement,
I want to make sure this town's security is up to snuff.
That's a swell idea.
You tell those tree branches who's boss.
Would you look at us?
Wanda and Vision, Westview fitter-inners.
I'll see you at curtain call.
Look, it's the star o' the show.
Agnes.
I'm sorry. What did you say?
Oh, I brought my pet rabbit. For your magic act.
Yes, of course! Thank you, Agnes.
We will take good care of him.
Señor Scratchy just loves the stage.
He played baby Jesus in last year's Christmas pageant.
Oh.
Oh, morning, Dennis.
Morning, Agnes.
Stick 'em up.
Don't shoot. I'm just a messenger.
Pew-pew!
Mmm.
- Shall we? - Oh, we shall.
So, are you ready to meet Queen Cul de Sac and her Merry Homemakers?
Agnes, Dottie can't be as bad as you say.
Hmm, well, you'll notice her roses bloom under penalty of death.
Wanda, can I give you a bit of friendly advice?
Is it about the way how I'm dressed?
Yes, but it's too late for that.
Dottie is the key to everything in this town.
Country club memberships, parties, school admissions…
Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
You get in with Dottie and it'll be smooth sailing from here on out.
Just mind your P's and Q's and you're gonna do just fine.
Or maybe I could just be myself? More or less?
Oh, Wanda, that's good.
Everybody, hurry up please.
Hiya, Dottie! Your roses are divine.
Well, thank you.
The Rotary Club is finishing the stage set-up as we speak.
They've given the gazebo a fresh coat of paint
and will be installing the final decorations all through the town square.
And if you recognize the antique footlights,
it's because they're from my store.
And the chairs?
I'm sorry, Dottie. I didn't ask about the chairs.
So you better not ask me if you can chair any committees in the future.
The devil's in the details, Bev.
That's not the only place he is.
As you all know, the talent show
is the sole fundraiser for Westview Elementary.
This might help.
In the eight years since I founded our little club,
this event has gotten bigger and better every season.
Say, those pants are peachy keen.
Do you really think so?
The other ladies are in skirts. I was worried.
We only have a few hours until show time,
so a little less cross chatter and a little more focus.
Okay.
Those little boys and girls are counting on us.
All of this is for the children.
"For the children."
So, I want you all to give yourselves a big hand…
…at the appropriate time, of course.
But first let's review event etiquette.
Dress code is upscale garden party…
The only reason I didn't clap is because I'm afraid to move.
Yeah.
I actually don't know what I'm doing here.
I'm starting to feel that way myself. I'm Wanda.
- I'm, uh… Geraldine. - Hi.
And I'm irritated.
Tickets for tonight are completely sold out.
Now, you can clap.
And stop.
Really, how is anybody doing this sober?
- Let's say green. - Yeah.
I mean, the other side could be dirt.
Pardon me. Is this the neighborhood watch meeting?
Oh, hiya, Vision.
Didn't expect to see you here.
This is sort of a "members only" type deal.
Ah! Certainly. Right. Well…
I'll just stay here and be as quiet as a church mouse
till you open up the floor for new business.
Well, in truth, we were just getting to new business.
Oh, splendid! Could you tell me how often you rotate security patrols?
Do you interface directly with local law enforcement?
What are your protocols for threats such as burglary,
graffiti, and reckless driving?
- No, Vision. - I know these are indeed grave matters.
"New business" actually means another round of Danish.
Raspberry or cheese-filled?
Oh, neither for me, thank you. I don't eat food.
What I mean to say is that I don't eat food in between meals but at mealtimes.
I'm a regular eating machine.
Hey, fellas. Vision here has got a point.
Now, listen up. I got some top secret intelligence for you.
Oh, excellent.
Now, you know how Johnson's been braggin'
about that treehouse he built for his kids?
Yeah.
It's a prefab job.
That blockhead can't even swing a hammer.
I can do you one better.
You know those bowling trophies Arthur's always polishing?
He bought 'em all at a yard sale in Hackensack.
I knew it. I've never once seen him down at the lanes.
I too have some top secret gossip to share.
Norm here's a Communist.
Vision, you're a real cut-up.
You know, I always thought you were kind of a square.
Me? No, I'm as round as they come.
Hey, care for a stick o' Big Red?
Well, hold on there a second.
Didn't you hear the man? He doesn't eat food.
Is gum food?
Well, my understanding is that it's purely for mastication.
No, I don't do that.
Well, when in Westview… Cheers.
Who knew you were such a funny guy?
And to think you came here all hot and bothered about protocols and nonsense.
We actually thought you were serious.
He's funny. All right, so, back to this barbeque.
That is why you never do a seating chart on an empty stomach.
Golly, you're a whiz at all this committee stuff, Dottie.
Thank you for choosing me to help you clean up today. I feel so lucky.
You are.
I can't help but wonder if you and I
haven't gotten off on the wrong foot, Dottie.
And I would like to correct that if I can.
And how would you do that?
I've heard things about you.
You and your husband.
Well, I don't know what you've been told,
but I assure you I don't mean anyone any harm.
I don't believe you.
Wanda. Wanda, can you read me, over?
- Wanda? - Who is that?
Wanda?
Who are you?
Wanda?
Wanda.
Who is doing this to you, Wanda?
Wanda? Wanda? Wan…
Dottie!
You… Oh!
Pop quiz, Wanda.
How does a housewife get a bloodstain out of white linen?
By doing it herself.
They say a man is never fully-dressed without two important accessories.
His special lady…
and his Strücker.
Strücker. He'll make time for you.
Glad I don't have to follow this guy.
Huh? What?
Oh, but you're gonna be great.
What time is it now?
Mmm, two minutes after the last time you asked.
I don't know where he could be.
Oh, is that him?
Well, it looks like he's got a little hitch in his giddy-up.
Whoa!
Wanda, my little cabbage, you look smashing!
Whoa!
- Vis. - Hmm.
- Where have you been? - Oh.
Uh, well, me and the boys were playing
a rather thrilling game of horses with shoes.
No, that's not it.
Shoe horses! No.
Ah! Horse's shoes.
Listen, something strange happened with Dottie.
Well, something strange happened before that, too. It's hard to explain.
I was just playing with his shoes.
What is going on?
You are!
Huh?
I want to thank you all for coming out
to support Westview Elementary, "For the children."
And for our final act…
I give you, Wanda and Vision.
Hey! Hey! You're up, Cowboy!
What?
Oh! Yeah! I've to go!
Hello, Westview! Good afternoon.
It's so lovely to be…
I'm so sorry. Excuse me.
I am Glamour and this is my delightful assistant, Illusion.
I am Glamour and he's Illusion.
Yeah, what she said.
Today, we will lie to you and yet you will believe our little deceptions
because human beings are easily fooled
due to their limited understanding of the inner workings of the universe.
Flourish!
You just do it, you don't say it out loud, honey.
And now my wife and I will delight
in your dumbstruck little faces.
Flourish!
Ha! See there? He's using a rope.
Wanda, what's… Oh, no! Oh! No! Wanda, please!
- Darling, let me down! - Oh!
I'm feeling pukey!
Ooh!
Uh, what's next?
Oh! Yeah, this is… This is gonna be great!
A staggering feat of strength.
- Ah? - Illusion… Uh… Uh…
- Illusion, Master of Enigma, allow me. - Yeah?
What?
Oh!
Whoops! You weren't supposed to see how we did that trick.
That was my grandmother's piano.
Oh, Sherbert! Yeah, this is my old mate, Sherbert.
Stand up, Sherbert. Say hello to the crowd.
It's Herbert, Herb.
Pipe down, Sherbie, and pick a card. Any card.
Yeah, put it back in the deck.
I'm not looking. All right. Watch this.
Is this your card?
Uh, no.
I beg to differ.
Mmm-mmm.
Really? Is this your card?
- Vision… - Mmm-mmm.
Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card?
- Is this your card? - Mmm-mmm.
Argh! Is this your card? Is this your card?
- No. No. No. No. - Is this your card?
Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card?
Is this your card?
Oh, it is!
It is what?
It's my card.
Well, pardon me, Herb. Have it back.
Oh, no, you did the trick right.
Well, of course I did the trick right! I'm Illusion!
Flourish!
And now, for my next trick…
Oh, goodness me.
Who stole my hat?
Oh! Oh, stop that rabbit!
I gotta need to pull a hat out of it.
Señor Scratchy's got real star quality, don't you think?
Maybe we leave the poor bunny out this one, shall we?
Well then, I will just have to pull this hat…
…out of myself.
Vision, no.
I'm doin' it.
Ah-ha!
If only you all knew our secret.
Oh!
Is that how mirrors work?
Shut up, Bev.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our grand finale.
I bring you, The Magnet of Crysteries!
The Cabinet of Mysteries!
Yeah, yeah. What she said.
I will now make my wife…
…disappear.
Are you sure you don't want an audience volunteer named "My husband Ralph?"
No. Abracadabra!
- Uh, sweetheart? - Yeah?
- Hi. - Oh.
What's in the box?
What's in the box? What's in the box?
Yeah, what's in the box?
What's in the box? What's in the box?
Oh!
Oh, yes!
Flourish.
Let's get outta here.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
- I'm so stupid. - Vis? Vis, it's all right.
It's all right. It's all right. It's all right.
But what is going on with you?
I have no idea. I've been feeling weirdy all day.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Oh!
Would you look at that?
That really gummed up my works, didn't it?
Hmm.
I'm not as funny without it, am I?
Well, you're back to yourself and that's all I care about.
Now, let's get out of here before Dottie
and the planning committee string us up for ruining the show.
You two, stop right there.
Nothing like what you two just did up here
has ever happened in the history of our talent show.
Dottie, we are so…
Hilarious.
That was the most hilarious act we've ever seen.
Wouldn't you all agree?
Yeah.
Oh, yes.
You two, come on up. Come on.
On behalf of the planning committee,
I would like to award you
with the inaugural Comedy Performance of the Year.
Oh, thank you.
- I have to ask. - Hmm.
One second, I'm backstage and in the next, I'm in a dark cubby hole.
How'd you do it?
Oh, a magician never reveals his secrets.
He leaves that to his assistant.
And she's not talking.
I had a feeling you'd say that.
"For the children!"
You were tremendous, Glamour.
As were you, Illusion.
I don't know what I was so worried about.
It wasn't so hard to fit in after all.
And all we had to do was be ourselves.
Well, with a few modifications.
- And it was all for the children. - For the children.
Well, I think the children might need some popcorn.
Wanda.
Hmm, what?
Vision… Is this really happening?
Yes, my love.
It's really happening.
If it's that damn tree again, I am going to rip it out by the roots!
I don't see anything.
What is that?
Wanda.
No.
Vision… Is this really happening?
Yes, my love.
It's really happening.
Vision…
Wanda? Who's doing this to you, Wanda?
Wanda?
WandaVision.
We got something cooking.
And it's looking good.
We've got something cooking.
And who knew we could.
All great expectations Lead to complications.
But it's groovy and fun.
It's me and it's you.
Together, one plus one.
Is more than two.
WandaVision.
Some sudden surprises.
Come in all shapes and sizes.
But it's rainbows and sun.
It's you and it's me.
Together, one plus one is family.
WandaVision.
Hmm.
Yep! Definitely pregnant.-
Well, that much we figured.
It's just kinda taken us by surprise.
It's just kinda suddenly. Quite suddenly, wasn't it?
I mean, practically overnight. I mean... How did this happen?
You see, when a man and a woman
love each other very much...
Well, we're just tickled pink, or blue.
You're at about four months now. Is that right?
I thought as much.
We let the little ladies keep tabs on their growing babies with fruit.
Makes it simple for them.
At four months, the fetus is about as big as a pear.
At five months, a papaya. Six, grapefruit.
Seven, pineapple. Eight, honeydew.-
Hypothetically speaking,
what size fruit would it be at, say, hmm, 12 hours?
Uh, pardon? 12 hours?
Well, I think this line of questioning is fruitless.
Well, hypothetically speaking, should we be concerned?
Hypothetically speaking, every new father-to-be gets nervous.
Well, I have nerves of steel, so there goes your theory, Mr. Doctor...
Vision, why don't you see the doctor out?
Good idea. Yes.
Thank you so much for dropping by, Dr. Nielson.
Well, I'm just glad you caught me in time.
I'm taking the wife on vacation this afternoon.
Oh! Have a nice holiday! Hey, Herb!
Hey, buddy!
Listen, you can keep the news of Wanda's...
You know, just between us because, uh,
I don't know, everything's happening so quickly.
We'd like to keep the news just in the family for right now.
Of course. Mum's the word.
I'm off. Bermuda, baby!
Yes.
Hey, Herb!
Think you might've taken the hedge-trimming
a little too far there, old chum.
So, I have.
Thanks, buddy.
Yeah. Don't mention it.
Huh.
Strangest thing just happened outside with...
Whoa, Nelly! Have you gotten bigger?
Have I? I can't tell from this angle.
...to be a proud papaya.
"Nesting, the overwhelming urge during pregnancy to clean,"
"organize, and prepare the home for the new baby."
See? You're an expert already. We've got nothing to worry about.
Nothing to worry about outside of morning sickness,
mood swings, aching back and...
Feet. Darling, you should probably sit down.
Don't be silly. All I feel is excitement, happiness, and... Oh!
Kicking? Already?
- Wow! - Oh, it's such a strange sensation.
Oh, did I do that? I didn't mean to.
- Oh. Uh, darling. - Oh.
Hello, little fella.-
Well, if that was the first kick,
that puts you at about six months!
Boy, oh, boy, I thought I had super speed.
I can't keep up. Please don't misinterpret.
I can't wait to meet you, little Billy.
- Billy? - Yeah.
Well, I was thinking Tommy.
Just a nice, classic, all-American name.
Hmm, Tommy. Hmm, yeah. Yeah. Then there's Billy, isn't there?
Named after William Shakespeare.
"All the world's a stage. All the men and women, merely players."
Well, I guess there's only one solution to this debate.
Hope for a girl.
Well, we ought to decide soon.
I estimate the baby's due...
It's not a constant progression, assumingly logarithmic,
but were I to graph the fetal development thus far...
He's gonna be here before you figure it out.
- Nearest I can conclude is that Billy... - Tommy.
Hmm.
...is due Friday afternoon.
In three days?
Maybe I should sit down.
I think we have an understanding.
Start the clock.
Time.
- Your personal best. - Yes!
We are nothing if not prepared.
Oh!
- Darling? - Ooh!
Do any of your books talk about this?
It's not painful, but it's strange.
- A tightening sensation? - Yep, that's it.
Yes. Where was it, where was it?
"Braxton Hicks contractions, also known as false labor,
"usually starts in the third trimester."
"Named after John Braxton Hicks in 1875."
Honey.
Sorry. Yes. Yes. Ooh! Excellent!
Gives us a chance to work on our breathing exercises.
It should go like this.
Yeah, it's not working. I can still feel it.
I'm sorry.
- What the... What the Dickens? - What's happening now?
Let's abandon the kitchen.-
It stopped.
Yes.
I'll go check on the neighbors.
Yes.
Phil?
Do these earrings make me look fat?
Oh, thank God.
It appears that the whole block is out.
Oh, and that was just a fake contraction.
Who knows what will happen when the real thing starts.
Do you think they know it's my fault?
Our neighbors?
Well, yes, with all the close calls we've been having,
it seems the people of Westview are always on the verge of discovering our secret.
Yes, I know what you mean.
But it's more than that, isn't it?
Mr. and Mrs. Hart, dinner.
Outside with Herb.
I think something's wrong here, Wanda.
Yes, I know what you mean.
The truth is, we are in unchartered waters
and you know what?
I'm anxious, too.
We just don't know what to expect.
Nope.
Will the baby be human or Synthezoid?
A bit of both?
If he's anything like his ma, Billy will be perfect.
You mean Tommy.
Mmm...-
-Oh, no, darling, are you all right?
- This is a real one! - What?
I thought you said Friday afternoon!
Well, I didn't consider that the timings
between developmental benchmarks could be quite random!
Better.
Yes, darling, thank you, it's passing.
Vis...
Yes, dear?
I think my water just broke.
Yes, dear.
No, no, no, no, no!
- Sorry, Mom. - Oh.
Do you need a break?
You read my mind.
Come with me.
Escape to a world all your own,
where your problems float away.
When you wanna get away, but you don't wanna go anywhere.
Hydra Soak, find the goddess within.
Well, I was just reading about the advantages of water birth.
Oh, thank goodness.
Let me help you up, dear. There you go.
What a mess.
Oh, that's better.
Darling, do you think it's time to...
- Call the doctor? - Yeah.
Yes, I do, dear.
Damn, the phones are down, too.
I better run.
Except, he might have already left for vacation.
Where? At a time like this?
Well, in fairness, darling, the baby is approximately nine months early.
I better leg it.
- You'll be all right here? - Hmm.
Okay.
Oh, shoot.
Uh... Oh!
Wanda, what's up?
It's 75 degrees out.
You're making a fashion statement?
Hi, Geraldine. You know, now is not really a good time.
No, no, no, it's foxy.
You'll have to let me borrow it sometime.
But first, I gotta borrow a bucket.
Not to wear, to use.
Somehow, all the pipes in my ceiling
burst at once and I gotta bail myself out.
All right, sure.
Just stay right there.
I think I might have a bucket in the kitchen.
Okay, then.
I think it's just here under the sink!
Are you all right in there?
Yes, I am just looking.
Oh!
I'll come help.
No! I mean, no thank you.
Bingo.
Would you look at that?
What?
Fruit. Wanda! Thank you.
Yummy.
Well, good luck with the leak.
Oh, that... Oh! Say, Wanda, I've got a question for you.
You know how I've been working that temp job, right?
Well, my boss, Mr. Haddox, he was going crazy yesterday...
Oh, look at me going on and on like you got all the time in the world.
- Let me go on and get out... - Wait. No.
- Tell me about the temp job. - Oh, that's my girl.
So, yesterday my boss, Mr. Haddox,
was going crazy working on the slogan for a new breakfast cereal.
You know, the one with the little marshmallow Moonmen?
- Oh. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, those.
So, it's 10 minutes before the big presentation,
and Mr. Haddox has got nothin'.
Nothin', that is, except the worst case of hiccups I ever did see.
Oh, Wanda. He couldn't get out one word,
let alone a whole pitch.-
So I'm tryin' every trick in the book to help this poor man.
I'm hidin' behind filing cabinets
and jumpin' out when he least expects it, like, boom!
Wanda.-
What was that?
- Did you hear that? - No.
It was like a chattering sound, like...
Oh! Like a...
Yeah.
That's my new ice maker built right into the fridge.
Oh!-
So now, at this point,
I am helping Mr. Haddox do a handstand under the water cooler...
...because, you know, why not try
a little upside down, drink those hiccups away.
And wouldn't you know it, in that moment, in walks the client.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. But you know me, Wanda,
I keeps my cool, no matter what's goin' down.
I look at the client,
and I look at Mr. Haddox's feet floating in the air next to me,
and I look back at the client, and I say,
"Gravity Os, launch into your day, the right way."
Thank you.
Yes, and that's exactly what Mr. Haddox said
right before he told me to clean out my desk.
Oh, no, Geraldine.
He didn't fire you.
Oh, sugar.
He hired me.
Oh!
Oh, Wanda! I landed a promotion.-
And now that I've gone all corporate, I need some office supplies.
Which brings me to my question.
Do y'all still keep those in your spare room?
Because I was hoping you wouldn't mind
- sharing with your good friend. - Wait. Wait.
Is that what I think it is?
Oh, a stork, yes, I can explain.
No! The crib.
It's coming. Oh. The baby's coming.
You're pregnant?
Ow.
Bermuda awaits and my car
decides to poop out right at this moment.
Whoa. Mr. Vision? What, is everything okay with the wife?
Yes. So long as we hurry.
But, Stan!
What about my brand-new two-piece?
Okay, Wanda.
Now, let's get you comfortable. Okay?
I think I'm gonna lay down right here.
- Okay. - Vision ran to get the doctor.
He'll be back soon.
No, no, there's not enough time for that.
Relax. Relax.-
You know your breathing, right?-
Wanda, I can't hear you.
I may be late to the party,
but I imagine there is a logical explanation for this.
Hey, you're doing great.-
You're doing great. Look at me. Look at me.
Come on.
I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
I can't. I can't.
You can do this.
Yes, you can. You can do this.
- It's time to start pushing. - Oh.
You ready? You're ready. You're ready.
Push. Push, Wanda. Push!
Push! That a girl.
It's a boy.
Hi.
Oh, he's perfect.
Oh, no. I missed it.
Hey, Doc, why don't you help me out in the kitchen there?
We went so fast, it was like we were flying.
Well done, Wanda.
Well, don't you wanna meet your son as yourself?
Ooh. You're strong.
Hello there, little Tommy.
Tommy?
Yes, Tommy.
What?-
Good heavens!
There's another baby coming.
Billy?
Wanda, push! Push!
Twenty fingers and 20 toes.
You've got two healthy baby boys on your hands.
- Thank you, Doctor. - Yeah.
All in a day's work.
And thank you for your assistance, young lady.
I think you might have what it takes to be a nurse.
Allow me to walk you out, Doctor.
Oh, all right. As long as we actually walk this time.
Come.
I do owe you a debt of gratitude.-
Well, Dr. Nielson,
I hope you're still able to make your trip.
Ah, yes, my trip.
I don't think we'll get away after all.
Small towns, you know. So hard to...
Escape.
Yeah.
What is she doing in there?
- I don't know. - Howdy!
- Hey! - Howdy!
Did you see her go inside?
She went right in.
And her tummy was... Did Geraldine...
Remarkable day we're having, no?
- That's fine. - Did you lose power, too?
Oh, sure did.
But Ralph looks better in the dark, so I'm not complaining.
Hi, Herb.
Hey, buddy.
Okay.
Well, I'll get back to Wanda.
Vision.
Is Geraldine inside with Wanda?
Yes. Why?
You're such a strong lady.
Oh.
Can you believe it? Twins!-
-Hi.
I'm a twin.
I had a brother.
His name was Pietro.
He was killed by Ultron, wasn't he?
What did you say?
She's new to town. Brand-new.
There's no family.
No husband.
Well, there's nothing wrong with that.
Hmm.
No home.
What?
What did you say just now?
I said, Wanda,
you're such a strong lady.
Should I say it one more time for good measure?
No.
What did you say about Pietro?
Pietro?
Uh...
Hey, I'll take a shift rocking the babies.
No, I think you should leave.
Oh, Wanda, don't be like that.
What do you mean, she has no home?
She came here because...
She came here because we're all...
She came here because we're all what?
What're you trying to tell me?
- What is that? - What?
That.
That symbol.
I, uh... I...
Who are you?
I don't...
She came here because we're all...
Stop it!
Who are you?
Wanda...
I...
Wanda.
Well, I better get going.
That macramé's not gonna hitch itself.
Herb?
Catch you on the flip side, Vision.
Wanda?
Where's Geraldine?
Oh, she left, honey. She had to rush home.
Hmm.
- No, I can't. I can't leave Monica. - Mom?
It's okay, I can stay with Grandma and...
I can't leave.
Maybe I'll build a spaceship.
I wanna be an aircraft pilot.
When they were handing out kids they gave her the toughest one.
Lieutenant Trouble.
Somebody help!
- Excuse me... - They're all coming back.
We don't have the capacity.
Excuse me. I'm looking for a patient. In room 104...
- Who, my wife? Do you have a phone? - No.
I have to call my wife.
Watch out!
Let me help you.
- Are you okay? You okay? Take it... - I got him. I got him.
Are you okay?
I'm looking for a patient in room number 104.
I don't know what to tell you.
- Monica? - Oh, Dr. Harley, thank God!
I can't believe it.
- Uh, I was... - Where did you go?
Well, in her room since she came back from the surgery.
I mean, I might've have fallen asleep, but no longer than 20 minutes.
Dr. Harley, where's my mom?
Your mom, she died, honey.
What?
No. No, no, no, no, you're mistaken. My mother... The procedure went well.
You said so yourself. Clean margins. You're discharging her today.
The cancer came back.
Okay, stop, stop. No, you're... My mom is Maria Rambeau.
Look it up. I mean...
- Look it up. "Maria Rambeau." - Monica,
I don't understand what's happening, but you need to listen to me.
Maria died three years ago.
- Three? No. No. No, no... - Which was two years after you...
After I what?
After you disappeared.
Ma'am? Over here, please.
Hi, good morning. I work here, and...
If you did, your badge would work.
Right. Um...
- I have a meeting with... - You know who this is?
...this guy.
Captain Monica Rambeau.
Director Tyler Hayward.
Acting Director. You haven't aged a day.
And you look old as hell.
Come on, let's catch you up.
It's been three weeks and you're the first to report.
Can't say I'm surprised, Captain.
How are the numbers for the astronaut training program?
Dismal. Lost half my personnel in The Blip
and half of those remaining have lost their nerve.
The program hasn't been the same since you've been up there, Rambeau.
Shifted away from manned missions and refocused on robotics, nanotech, AI.
Sentient Weapons, like it says on the door.
It also says "Observation and Response"
on that door, not "Creation."
World's not the same as you left it.
Space is now full of unexpected threats.
Always was full of threats. And allies.
Listen, Monica, I just wanna acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation.
I know S.W.O.R.D.'s your home.
Your mom built this place from the ground up.
You grew up here.
You should've been here to help name the replacement.
You were the obvious choice.
- I was the only choice. - I wasn't gonna say it.
Look, Tyler, you know the job you have to do. I'm here to do mine.
Let's get you back out there.
The FBI is in a tizzy
over a missing persons case up in Jersey...
- "Missing persons"? - I know. But they have requested use
of one of our imaging drones, and I need a chaperone.
Tyler, drones usually chaperone me.
- I get it. - Look, if this is because of...
You don't have to worry about me. I'm good.
There's no easy way to say this, but you're grounded.
- I'm sorry, what? - Terrestrial missions only.
You're kidding.
For how long? Whose protocol is this?
Your mother's.
She implemented guidelines in the event vanished personnel ever returned.
Look, I know it's a raw deal, but there is one positive takeaway.
- What's that? - She believed you'd come back.
You'd be doing me a big favor with this FBI thing,
- but if you need more time... - No.
- No. I'm good to go. - Excellent.
Keep me updated, Captain.
Okay. No problem.
James E. Woo, FBI.
Monica Rambeau, S.W.O.R.D.
What's the story here, Agent Woo?
I've got a witness set up down the road in Westview,
and this morning, it looked like he flew the coop.
Your missing person is in the Witness Protection Program?
I have contacted known associates, relatives...
And let me guess, none of them have seen him either?
No. None of them have ever heard of him.
Something seemed hanky to me, so I took the first flight out of Oakland
to interface with local law enforcement, which is when I encountered a new wrinkle.
What is that?
Here we go.
Pardon me, Sheriff.
Would you mind repeating your claim about Westview to my colleague here?
No such place.
You're saying the town of Westview, New Jersey, doesn't exist?
It's what I keep telling your G-Man here, but he won't listen.
I see. And, um, I'm sorry, what town are you from?
Eastview.
Thank you, Sheriff. I'll reach out if we need any further assistance.
I, uh, pulled phone numbers for all the residents.
I'm only through the Ds, but so far I got Diddly Squat.
So you can't reach anyone inside
and everyone on the outside has some sort of selective amnesia?
This isn't a missing person's case, Captain Rambeau, it's a missing town.
Population 3,892.
Why haven't you gone inside to investigate?
'Cause it doesn't want me to.
You can feel it too, can't you?
Nobody's supposed to go in.
- What about you? - Me?
Well, I'm from Bakersfield, originally.
Growin' up, other kids had Michael Jordan posters on their walls,
but I had Eliot Ness.
No, no, no, no. I mean, why is it that you have an awareness of Westview?
Or me, for that matter?
Is it because we are outside of a certain radius,
or maybe because we don't have a personal connection?
Hmm...
- Wait, where'd it go? - It was right there.
Whoa...
What is it?
Some sort of energy field.
Careful, Rambeau.
Captain Rambeau!
Watch it.
Rambeau!
Captain Rambeau!
Hey.
- What's your field? - We're not supposed to talk to each other.
- Hmm? Boy Scout leader. - Got it. And you?
Nuclear Biology.
Artificial Intelligence.
Astrophysics.
We got the full clown car.
It means whatever the threat is,
S.W.O.R.D. clearly has no idea what they're dealing with.
- I'm a chemical engineer. - No one cares.
All right, grab your gear.
All right. So, uh...
In the meantime,
one of you guys check in on Hutch,
make sure he's ready to get those drones up in the air. Okay?
Give him a hand. Thanks.
Ms. Lewis?
Dr. Lewis.
We have your gear set up inside.
Those drones you're sending in, what kinda data are you getting?
I'm afraid that's highly classified.
You can't see anything?
FBI, Army. I saw the Air Force Office of Special Investigations out there.
Research Lab, Space Command, too.
A bona fide, joint, multi-service response.
Looking forward to commemorative T-shirt.
Is there somewhere a lady could get a cup of coffee?
You guys look like you might get down with those little pod things.
- Horrendous for the environment... - Make your assessment, please.
Whoa...
I mean, whoa...
What're you getting?
A colossal amount of CMBR.
- CM... - Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation.
We've been told the radiation is within a safe limit.
Uh, it is... For now.
Wait, what do you mean...
There are longer wavelengths superimposed over the noise here.
I got it.
I need a TV. An old one. Like, not flat.
- You good to go? - Yes, sir.
These sewers will take you straight into town.
- Try to find anything you can on Rambeau. - Copy that.
Agent Franklin. We will keep this channel open for you.
Copy.
Keep me updated.
Director Hayward,
between you, me, and the bedpost, I am not confident about this mission.
Thanks for the feedback, Jimmy. If only my drones were as forthcoming.
There's no reason to suspect the perimeter doesn't extend subterraneously.
There's no reason to suspect it does.
We don't know about the nature of the threat to send another agent
- when the first is yet to return. - Someone must miss you back in Quantico.
No, sir. Softball season's over, sir.
What do we have up?
Radar, lidar, sodar, infrared.
Cycle through.
Will someone get me a useful visual, damn it?
What is that?
Can I see you
- in the kitchen, sweetheart? - Who's doing that?
- Who are those people? - What are you wearing?
- Why are they here? - What are you wearing?
- Well, it's our anniversary! - Our anniversary of what?
Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!
- Is that... - Yeah, it looks like her.
You move at the speed of sound, I can make a pen float.
Who needs to abbreviate?
Look, I know it's been a crazy few years on this planet, but he's dead, right?
Not blipped, dead.
Excellent plan. Where's the tenderizer?
What am I looking at?
You? What is this? Where's this coming from?
Out there.
You didn't answer the back door. For your upside-down cake.
Oh! Hi, I...
- Is it authentic? - I'm not sure how to answer that.
Is it happening in real time? Is it recorded, fabricated?
I don't know. I don't know. And I don't know.
What do you know?
My equipment registered an extremely high level of CMBR. That's...
Relic radiation dating back to the Big Bang.
Yeah, entwined was a broadcast frequency.
So I had your goons pick me up a sweet vintage TV.
And when I plug this bad boy in, voilà, sound and picture.
Dinner is served.
So you're saying the universe created a sitcom starring two Avengers?
European.
It's a working theory.
Get me a transport back to headquarters now.
- Are we recording this? - Never stopped.
I need immediate analysis. Now, people. Let's go!
He's a charmer.
- Great work. - Hey, thanks!
Maybe I could get that coffee now?
Or not. That's cool.
Aw!
Aw.
First and foremost, our main objective
is to get any intel on Captain Rambeau,
but originally, this case was a missing person, so we're going to start there.
We've successfully identified two individuals inside the Westview anomaly.
Let's keep going.
This guest is leaving your home.
Yes, thank you for coming.
Mr. and Mrs. Hart. Played by Todd and Sharon Davis.
Computational forms. And no one can process the data
- quite like you do, pal. - Agent Woo.
You're like a walking computer.
Abhilash Tandon is Norm.
Harold Copter is Jones.
We got Isabel Matsueida cast as Beverly.
John Collins as Herb.
- Really? - Does she seem okay to you?
Well, she doesn't appear to be harmed in any way,
but that is definitely not the boss lady I met yesterday.
So what, deep cover? Monica has to play along?
With whom? Or else, what?
All right. Brass tacks, Dr. Lewis.
What are we lookin' at here? Is it an alternate reality?
Time travel? Some cockamamie social experiment?
It's a sitcom. A 1950s sitcom.
But why?
Hey, man, we're working with the same scarcity of intel.
But, listen, I do have an idea.
So, you've seen that radio in Wanda's kitchen counter, right?
The next time she's washing dishes,
which, by my count, happens about once an episode, barf,
we'll shoot a signal to that little guy.
This transmitter will mimic the frequency of the broadcast,
and if my theory is right, allow us to speak directly to her.
This is totally gonna work. Don't touch that.
Agent Woo.
Is this from the current episode?
- Aired about two minutes ago. - What is it?
What does it look like to you?
Like a retro version of a sword S.W.O.R.D. Drone?
- Bingo. - But how did it change and why?
Uh, to go with the production design?
Or render it useless.
- Why'd you colorize it? - I didn't.
Let's get this show on the road.
Jimmy, you ready?
Ready.
...bigger and better every season.
Uh, Jimmy, Monica is talking to Wanda. She's got a speaking part now.
What is she saying?
Those pants are peachy keen.
She likes Wanda's pants.
We only have a few hours...
Wanda's at some sort of swim club. We've never been here before.
Is it the '60s still?
Uh, uh, Wanda's with another character.
Real person?
I can't help but wonder if you and I haven't gotten off...
Ooh, uh, radio on the side table. Start talking.
Wanda. Wanda, can you read me, over?
I don't...
- Can she hear me? - I don't think so. Keep trying.
Wanda?
Wanda. Who is doing this to you, Wanda?
Wanda? Can you hear me? I'm here to help you.
Please give us a...
Pop quiz, Wanda.
How does a housewife get a bloodstain out of white linen?
Wait.
- What? - I don't know.
By doing it herself.
- That was weird. - What was?
They say a man is never fully-dressed without two important...
Nothing.
It's over. Mission failure.
It was worth a try. Good effort, Doctor.
Yeah, come on in.
Agent Franklin,
we have you five meters outside of the perimeter.
Agent Franklin?
Wanda.
No.
Oh, that's better.
Darling, do you think it's time to...
- Call the doctor? - Yeah.
Yes, I do, dear.
1950s, 1960s, and now the '70s.
Why does it keep switching time periods? It can't be purely for my enjoyment.
And I can't believe Wanda and Vision are having a baby.
You want any?
Heck, I thought about it for sure.
A little Jimmy Woo.
Get him a tiny little FBI badge. Oh, you... Chip? Sure.
You're doing great.
Look at me. Look at me.
The jig is up.
- It's time to start pushing. You ready? - Oh!
Push, Wanda. Push!
Hi.
Oh, he's perfect.
Twins.
What a twist.
What? I'm invested.
He was killed by Ultron, wasn't he?
Did she just say the name Ultron?
Has that happened before? A reference to our reality.
No. Never.
- I'll take a shift rocking the babies. - No, I think you should leave.
Oh, Wanda, don't be like that.
Who are you?
Wanda...
Wow, this is different.
- What happened? Where'd she go? - God, not again.
- Who are you? - Wanda...
There's nothing here.
One second, Monica is standing right there, and the next, she isn't.
- Someone is censoring the broadcast. - But where's Rambeau?
Alert! Boundary has been breached!
Who are you?
I don't...
Who are you?
Wanda, I'm just your neighbor.
Then how did you know about Ultron?
You're not my neighbor.
And you're definitely not my friend.
You are a stranger and an outsider.
And right now, you are trespassing here.
And I want you to leave.
I... I...
Wanda?
Where is Geraldine?
Oh, she left, honey. She had to rush home.
What?
What is it? What's wrong?
Uh...
We don't have to stay here.
We could go wherever we want.
No, we can't.
This is our home.
Are you sure?
Oh, don't worry, darling. I have everything under control.
Monica, are you okay?
It's Wanda.
It's all Wanda.
Oh, hi.
Well, what should we watch tonight?
Sweet, sweet Tommy, don't you wanna sleep?
Mommy wants to sleep.
If you go to sleep, I promise you will be my favorite twin.
Oh, come on now, darling.
You know we love them both equally.
Well, don't tell him that.
No luck with Billy?
Tried reading to him, but for some reason,
Charles Darwin's The Descent of Man made him cry even harder.
Oh. Care to dance, darling?
- Oh! - Mm...
- It's almost like we're on a date. - Mm!
Keep it down, lads, I was about to get my leg over.
- Vis? - Hmm.
Would you mind grabbing their binkies?
Oh. 'Course not. Binkies all round, I think.
Now, I know parents aren't supposed to take shortcuts,
but I think this situation calls for one, don't you?
So, go to sleep, my babies.
And go to sleep.
Well, I don't think it's very funny.
Why won't you do what I want?
What's that, dear?
That is not where those go!
Noise cancelation is not their primary function?
Ooh. Look, I think it's...
- Vis? - Mm.
What are we doing wrong?
Oh, don't worry, dear. We'll figure it out.
Perhaps we all need more time to get to know one another.
Maybe. Or maybe we just need some help.
Oh!
Hiya, kids!
Oh, Agnes!
Agnes, I was just fluffing this pillow. With my face.
Oh, I was just on my way to Jazzercise
when I heard your new little bundles of joy were on a sleep strike.
Oh? Who told you that? Uh, my ears.
Oh.
Anyway, Auntie Agnes is here
and I've got a couple of tricks up my sleeve.
- Oh, Agnes, you're a lifesaver. - Aw.
Very well. But be careful of their belly buttons
and remember to support their heads,
and when was the last time you washed...
Actually, you know what? It would be... Just... Maybe we better not.
Um...
Uh...
Do you want me to take that again?
Uh...
I'm sorry?
You want me to hold the babies.
Should we just take it from the top?
What?
Oh, don't be silly.
Vision, let's... Let's let Agnes give it a try.
Fussy babies, meet buns of steel.
We dare you to stay awake.
Wanda.
What was that about?
What was what?
"What was what?" That, that with Agnes just now.
Well, I think she just got confused for a moment.
She seems fine now.
But what she said, the way she looked at you...
How did she look at me?
Well, I didn't... Oh.
Lavender. It's supposed to have a calming effect.
Ralph sprays it on me every night.
But there's no taming this tiger. What?
It's so strange.
That's not fair.
It's not Agnes's fault that she has an unusually high libido.
Wanda?
Did you really not see what I saw?
Oh.
Don't mind me. I'm just looking for your dark liquor.
- What? - Not for me.
For the twins. What kind of babysitter do you think I am?
I'm just gonna go and check in there.
Vision, the boys haven't slept in days.
You and I both need a break and Agnes is just being neighborly, that's all.
Do you hear that?
Hear what?
Absolutely nothing.
They finally fell asleep.
They're empty.
Then where are the twins?
- Mommy? - Daddy?
Huh?
Kids.
You can't control 'em.
No matter how hard you try.
- Well, hi! - Hi!
- How are you doing, baby? - Aw.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
You wander the world with a vision Of what life could be.
But then the years come and teach you To just wait and see.
Forces may try to pull us apart.
But nothing can phase me If you're in my heart.
Crossing our fingers, singing a song.
We're making it up as we go along.
Through the highs and the lows.
We'll be right, we'll be wrong.
We're making it up as we go along.
And there will be days.
We won't know which way to go.
But we'll take it higher.
You're all I desire.
When the going gets tough.
When push comes to shove.
We're making it up
'Cause we got love.
We got love.
Baby, we got...
WandaVision.
What's the first thing you do remember?
Pain.
And then, Wanda's voice in my head.
Did you try to resist?
There was this feeling keeping me down.
This hopeless feeling.
Like drowning.
It was grief.
You can sit up now.
Great.
So am I cleared?
Once I get a look at these.
Where's my uniform?
In analysis.
Mighty glad to have you back, Captain.
How you feeling?
Like myself.
Well, thank heavens for that.
Uh, what's the latest?
There's a briefing in ten. Pants are encouraged.
- Thank you. - This is Dr. Darcy Lewis.
She's the one who discovered the broadcast.
- I'm... - Monica. I know. Um, big fan.
We're gonna need to take these again. There's something wrong with the machine.
Those are blank.
Like I said.
Well, what about her labs?
I need another blood draw.
No, no, no. We're done here.
She does that. See you at the briefing.
Morning.
We are now assessing a more clear picture of this crisis.
And thanks to Captain Rambeau,
we now have first-person intel from inside the Westview Anomaly.
Our initial theory had Wanda Maximoff as one of many victims.
We now know she is the principal victimizer.
Jimmy.
Quick history on our subject.
Born in Sokovia in 1989 to Irina and Oleg Maximoff,
both killed during an air raid
when Maximoff and her twin brother, Pietro, were ten.
The twins were subsequently radicalized, volunteering at HYDRA.
It's an oversimplification of events, but, yes.
After unspecified experimentation with the Mind Stone,
Maximoff gained telekinetic and telepathic abilities.
Back up, Jimmy. Does Maximoff have an alias?
- No, sir. - No funny nickname?
Not a one.
And earliest tracking had her using her powers against the Avengers.
Is that correct?
Right before she earned their trust and became one herself.
Lagos and Germany, we all know how that turned out.
Thanks, Jimmy.
Now that we have the lay of the land, let's talk about strategy.
It is the policy...
I try not to speak ill of people...
Then allow me. Hayward's a...
...terrorists.
Wanda's not a terrorist.
By your own account, you described the experience
of being under her mind-control as
"excruciating, terrifying, a violation."
Wanda, what's up?
And now that I've gone all corporate...
My point is, I don't believe she has a political agenda
or any inclination toward destruction.
Monica, she blasted you halfway across New Jersey.
And I survived because she chose to protect me.
She's holding thousands of people hostage.
And it could have been thousands more if she hadn't put up her own quarantine.
Listen, I don't believe this is a premeditated act of aggression.
You don't?
Bring up the visual.
This morning, I received authorization to share
this highly-sensitive material from S.W.O.R.D. headquarters.
Until very recently, it was the top-secret location of the Vision's corpse.
- When was this? - Nine days ago.
Maximoff stormed our facility, stole the Vision's body,
and resurrected him.
But that's in direct violation of Section 36 B of the Sokovia Accords.
And the Vision's own living will.
He didn't want to be anybody's weapon.
Maximoff, in her grief, disregarded his wishes.
All right, that's it for now.
Let's work the problem, people. Dismissed.
But how did she even do it?
Bring him back without the Mind Stone?
Who knows?
But she has the world's only vibranium synthezoid,
playing Father-Knows-Best-In-Suburbia.
What happens when he learns the truth?
I don't think he likes the water.
But we have to get him clean, so Mommy will let us keep him.
Tommy, Billy! Oh, no! Mommy's coming!
You know, I don't miss the crying,
but jeez Louise, did you have to learn to walk?
You two never stay put.
Unless you're innocently forming a human wall in front of the kitchen sink.
Bless you.
Thank you.
Now tell me which one of you just barked?
Scoot.
Oh, boy.
Waiter, what's this canine doing in my kitchen sink?
The doggy paddle?
Can we keep him, Mommy?
Well, I'm sure his owners miss him very much.
Come on.
Huh. There really is no collar.
Can we keep him?
He was outside. Crying, alone.
Now, boys, taking care of a living thing is a big responsibility.
Dogs need food, exercise, training,
belly rubs, and cuddles.
And kisses between his little ears.
Morning, wife. Morning, boys.
Good morning, unfamiliar wet animal.
Who's this?
We're not quite sure, actually.
Why so formal, honey?
Oh, it's just a precaution really. I had a hunch someone might pop over.
Hi, kiddos.
With exactly the item we require.
My kitchen window told me someone got a new pooch.
Did you name him yet?
How about Sniffy?
Oh!
How about Sparky?
Well, should we make it official?
- Wanda. - Hmm?
Agnes was right there! She didn't notice.
She didn't even notice when the boys went from babies to five-year-olds.
That's not what we agreed upon.
You made no effort to conceal your abilities.
Well, I'm tired of hiding, Vis.
And maybe you don't have to either.
Wanda, we are usually so much of the same mind.
But right now...
What aren't you telling me?
So, is Sparky our dog, Daddy?
What?
Boys, your father and I don't think you're ready
to properly care for an animal until you're at least...
Ten. Ten.
Ten years old.
- Wait, now, hang on there a minute... - Wait, no, no, no.
- ...you young whippersnappers. - No, no, no!
Let's just hope this dog stays the same size.
Woof, woof.
Okay. Okay, I've got it.
What I need is a 10,000-pound fallout shelter
comprised of lead for photons, cadmium for neutrons,
tantalum for seismic blasts, on wheels.
And then, I would be able to safely re-enter Westview. Right?
Yes. Theoretically.
I can work with theoretically.
What'd I miss?
The twins aged up to ten.
Holy Christmas. At this rate, they'll be empty nesters by dinner time.
I know an aerospace engineer who'd be up for this challenge.
But I can't guarantee the Hex won't just mind-wipe you as you go in.
Wait. What's a Hex?
Oh, um, it's what I'm calling the anomaly because of its hexagonal shape.
It's starting to catch on.
You really wanna go back in there?
After everything she's put you through?
Yeah. Yes, I do.
Have we identified these minors yet?
Or the newborns?
Oh, Wanda's twins are hers.
Everything might look fake in the TV, but everything in there is real.
But Wanda manipulates people's perceptions,
makes them hallucinate.
Yeah, that's her whole bag.
If all the sets and props and wardrobe were solid matter,
that would mean she's wielding an insane amount of power.
Far exceeding anything she's displayed in the past.
Uh, she could have taken out Thanos on her own if he hadn't initiated a blitz.
I mean, nobody else came close.
Well, I'd argue that Captain Marvel came close.
Her powers came from an Infinity Stone, too, right?
We are not talking about her.
We are talking about Wanda.
Darcy?
What was that you were saying about props and sets and...
Wardrobe?
Where's the lab?
What are we looking for?
That.
Oh, man, are we being mind-controlled to see that right now?
Jeepers creepers!
Ooh, no. They're real, all right.
Can I borrow this?
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa!
You had a bulletproof vest on when you went inside, didn't you?
Those pants are 87% Kevlar.
It's not an illusion. Wanda is rewriting reality.
Permanently?
If she can change things as they go into the Hex...
Ah, you called it the Hex.
What happens if we send something in that requires no change?
So you're telling me this is a typewriter, a Rolodex, and a calendar all in one?
What else can it do? Find me a wife?
Eventually, yes.
It's a hell of a thing watching you work these computers, Vision.
It's like you speak their language.
What do you think, Norm?
Should we surf the Internet?
Cowabunga, dude.
Hey, look, we got electronic mail already.
It's called an e-mail, Norm. What are you looking for?
Letter opener.
Ah, we don't need that. We're already cutting edge.
Top secret communiqué. Authenticate."
"Doctor Darcy Lewis' findings regarding Maximoff's Anomaly."
"High levels of radiation present at perimeter."
"Effect on Westview residents unknown."
"Please advise."
Well, come on, pal. What are we gonna write back?
You're the office funny guy.
It's a joke.
Can't you tell?
None of it is real.
Please. Please help me.
What day is it? How long has it been?
Where's my phone? I have to call my sister.
- Norm. - She's taking care of our dad, he's sick.
- Where is my phone? - Calm yourself, Norm.
I can't understand what you're trying to tell me.
- You have to stop her. - Stop who?
She's in my head.
None of it is my own.
It hurts. It hurts so much.
Just make her stop.
Just make her stop...
Now tell me this.
If I send an e-mail, where would I put the stamp?
Technology. Ah.
Sit, Sparky, sit. Good dog.
Speak.
Nice, Sparky.
Now spin.
Good boy!
Oh! Bravo, Billy!
You weren't so bad either, Sparky.
That was radical.
Where's Dad? We gotta go show Dad!
Oh, he's... He's at work.
- Huh? - It's Saturday.
No, it's not. It's Monday.
This morning was Saturday.
There was an emergency at the office and your father had to go in.
End of story.
Look, he just... He needed a distraction.
From what?
From us?
No! No way! No!
Sometimes your dad and I aren't on the same page,
but that's just temporary.
Like the two of you, you might fight over toys,
but he's always going to be your brother.
And he is always going to be yours.
Because family is forever.
Do you have a brother, Mom?
I do.
Yeah. He's far away from here.
And that makes me sad sometimes.
Hey, Sparky, what's up, boy?
Something's scaring him.
Stay here.
Sparky!
I know this is tech from the '80s, but can we sharpen the visuals?
Working on it.
Maximoff located.
Well done.
We can't see the drone on the broadcast.
Wanda's framing it out of the shot.
Just like all the jump cuts.
Wanda decides what makes it onto her show and what doesn't.
And here we go. You're up.
Wanda, this is Captain Monica Rambeau.
Can you hear me?
I just want to talk. That's it.
- No joy. - Uh...
Wait, my controls aren't working. Reconnect patch.
Disregard. Take the shot.
What? No. The drone isn't armed.
Take the shot.
What did you do?
There's a breach, sir.
Is this yours?
The missile was just a precaution.
You can hardly blame us, Wanda.
Oh, I think I can.
This will be your only warning.
Stay out of my home.
You don't bother me. I won't bother you.
I wish it could be that simple.
You've taken an entire town hostage.
Well, I'm not the one with the guns, Director.
But you are the one in control.
You're still here.
Wanda, I didn't know the drones were armed.
But you know that, don't you?
A town full of civilians.
And you, a telepath, brought a S.W.O.R.D. Agent into your home.
You trusted me to help deliver your babies.
On some level, Wanda, you know I am an ally.
I wanna help you.
How? What could you possibly have to offer me?
What do you want?
I have what I want
and no one will ever take it from me again.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stand down!
- Wanda! - Stand down!
Oh.
You've got a mess,
and you're still using the next leading brand.
You need Lagos brand paper towels.
The most absorbent paper towel available.
Husbands can use it too, you know.
Lagos. For when you make a mess you didn't mean to.
Sparky! Come on, boy!
Sparky! Sparky!
- Here, boy! Sparky! - Hey, what's the trouble, little dudes?
- We can't find our dog. - Ah, don't worry.
He's sure to turn up.
Your mom won't let him get far. Ma'am.
I don't know where he could've gone.
Here, boy!
- Sparky! Sparky! - Sparky!
Sparky!
I...
I didn't wanna come until I'd wrapped him up.
What happened to him?
Found him in my azalea bushes.
Don't know how many leaves he ate.
I didn't find him until it was too late.
Oh...
Tommy, Billy, I'm so sorry.
Wait. Don't. Don't.
- Don't what? - Don't age yourselves up.
The urge to run from this feeling is powerful.
I know.
It's too sad.
You can fix anything, Mom. Fix the dead.
What?
No.
You can do that?
I am trying to tell you
that there are rules in life, okay?
We can't rush aging just because it's convenient.
And we can't reverse death.
No matter how sad it makes us.
Okay? Some things are forever.
You said family is forever.
He is family.
Bring him back, Mom.
Bring who back?
Oh, boys. Come here.
How are the boys?
A little heartbroken, but they'll be all right.
Well, it's not often you get a dog and bury them the same day.
Well, life moves pretty fast out in the suburbs.
I spoke with Norm.
Oh?
I unearthed the man's suppressed personality
and I spoke to him free of your oversight.
He was in pain, Wanda.
Vision...
- Listen, can we just... - What?
Watch TV?
Turn in for the night so that you can change everything over again?
No, Wanda.
You can't control me the way you do them.
Can't I?
I'm going to bed.
No! We're not done here.
What is the "Maximoff Anomaly"?
The what?
I have to believe that this, whatever this is,
was subconscious at first
and that you only recently became aware of it.
Aware of what?
Norm has a family, Wanda!
He has a family, and he can't reach them
- because you won't let him reach them! - I don't know what you're talking about!
Stop lying to me!
This, all of this is for us.
So let me handle it.
What is outside of Westview?
You don't wanna know, I promise you.
You don't get to make that choice for me, Wanda!
You've never talked to me like this before.
Before what? Before what?
I can't remember my life before Westview.
I don't know who I am!
I'm scared!
You are my husband.
You are Tommy and Billy's father.
Isn't that enough?
Wanda, why are there no other children in Westview?
Oh, God! There are! Just stop it!
No. No.
The playground stands empty every morning I walk to work.
Why? Tell me why?
Do you really think that I am controlling everything?
That I am somehow in charge of everybody in Westview?
I'm walking their dogs, mowing their lawns,
getting them to dentist appointments on time?
I mean, I...
I don't know how any of this started in the first place.
Wanda, what you're doing here, it's wrong.
- I... - It is wrong.
I didn't do that.
I...
You don't believe me.
Wanda, I want to, but at this point, I'm ignoring statistics entirely.
Wanda, who is this?
Long lost bro get to squeeze his stinkin' sister to death or what?
She recast Pietro?
Pietro?
Oh.
Who's the popsicle?
Wanda Wanda Vision
Don't try to fight the chaos
Don't question what you've done
The game can try to play us
Don't let it stop the fun
Some days it's all confusion
Easy come and easy go
But if it's all illusion
Sit back, enjoy the show
Let's keep it going
Through each distorted day
Let's keep it going
Though there may be no way of knowing
Who's coming by to play
Halloween's a magical holiday.
All about family, friends, and the thrill of getting to be someone else for a day.
Wrong! Halloween's about candy.
And scaring people, but mostly candy.
Where's your costume, Tommy?
This is my costume. I'm the cool twin.
What does that make me?
A dorksaurus rex.
Not a real dinosaur.
Man
He even snores cool.
- I'm gonna go wake him up. - Don't!
You scared?
He's our uncle. Why would I be scared?
'Cause it's four o'clock in the afternoon.
You're secretly afraid he's a vampire.
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
Blood is thicker than water! I show you!
Somebody better be bleeding, broken, or on fire.
Mom. Are you old Red Riding Hood?
I'm a Sokovian fortune teller.
That is so...
- Rad. - ...lame.
"Lame."
Worse than the costumes mom made us the year we got typhus.
That's not exactly how I remember it.
You probably suppressed a lot of the trauma.
Mom has been weird since Uncle Pietro got here.
I think it's because she hasn't seen him in a long time.
And he's what you call, "a man child."
Sweet costume bro-ham-in-law.
Let me guess. Traffic light.
Half-shucked corn.
A booger!
- Yes. - Yes!
Well, thank you for humoring me and wearing this ridiculous get-up, honey.
Well, there were no other clothes in my closet, so...
You are incorrigible, darling.
I know you have a secret thing for Mexican wrestlers.
Mi gusta mucho.
Chili con carne.
What do you say, boys?
Who's ready for that first hit of high fructose corn syrup?
- Yes! Headlock! - Get out of here, get out of here.
Never told me much about your brother.
I had no idea he'd be so...
Go!
Great with kids.
Yeah. He's just full of surprises.
Well, you have fun tonight, darling.
What? What do you mean? You're all dressed and ready to go.
I'm undercover.
Halloween is a bacchanal for adolescent trouble-makers
and the neighborhood watch is the only thing that stands
between the trees and the toilet paper.
- No, that's not what you're supposed to... - What?
Well...
You didn't tell me you had plans.
Well, I am telling you now.
Mom and Dad have been, not fighting, just, like, different.
It's their first Halloween. You have to be there.
What's the big dealio?
Big guy has a conflict, twins need a father figure for the night.
Don't sweat it, sis. I got the old XY chromosome.
Uncle P to the rescue, huh?
There you go. Problem solved.
You have a spooky time tonight, kids.
- Goodnight, Dad! - Bye, Dad.
Wanda?
Be good.
I smell crime.
Don't do that!
Where do you keep your water balloons?
What? We don't have water balloons.
Where are we gonna put all this shaving cream?
- It was Billy's idea. - I'm Tommy.
And don't you forget it!
You don't even have a costume.
Okay, but... Just remember that this is a respectable family.
If I see any funny business,
I am going to magic you into a pickled herring.
I wanna see a full work-up inside the hour.
- Yes, sir. - Hayward.
Hayward!
You cut us off at the knees, sending in that missile.
Now we know who we're dealing with.
Hey, there he is.
The guy who almost got murdered by his own murder squad.
You work for me?
- I actually don't know. - She's with me.
I see. And which one of you is the sassy best friend?
There is no time for you to diminish your colleagues
when you're about to start a war you can't win.
Maximoff was never gonna negotiate with us.
We take her out, this whole nightmare ends.
We don't know that.
We actually have no idea
what will happen in there or out here if Wanda dies.
So, what? We just surrender to that?
Not happening.
We can't outgun her.
And clearly antagonizing her is only making things worse.
If Wanda is the problem, she has to be our solution.
Captain Rambeau, you have become an impediment to this mission.
Constantly advocating on behalf of super-powered individuals.
Yes, I know your history with Carol Danvers.
You know, you people who left,
still have the luxury of optimism.
You have no idea what it was like.
What it took to keep the lights on.
Don't use the last five years as an excuse to be a coward.
Maybe it's a good thing you weren't here when your mother died.
Because clearly you don't have the stomach for this job.
Get her off my base. Now. All of 'em.
All right. Come on. Let's go.
Hayward is way overstepping his provisional authority.
He was looking for a reason to sideline us.
He's up to something.
Let's go. Everybody in!
Why didn't anyone tell me the plan?
- You okay? - Yeah. Let's move.
This is it. Game time.
It's not a competition, Tommy.
- It is if you're a winner. - Tommy.
Unleash hell, demon spawn.
Do you remember when we were at the orphanage after mom and dad died?
What was the name of that kid who was always trying to steal your boots?
You know, he was the one... He had the... He had the skin thing.
You're testing me.
No, I'm not.
Hey, it's cool. I know I look different.
Why do you... look different?
You tell me. I mean, if I found Shangri-La,
I wouldn't wanna be reminded of the past either.
Next house, Mom.
Junior entrepreneur, over here.
How about you let Uncle P help you maximize your candy acquisition, huh?
Yeah. Kick-ass!
"I feel the need..."
"For speed."
Kick-ass.
- Oh, hey, Herb. - Oh, hey!
How's patrol going?
Eh, quiet, so far. Hold up, will you?
Say again.
All the candy has disappeared?
What? Who took my candy?
And now all the jack-o'-lanterns have been smashed.
And now everyone's covered in silly string?
Sorry, Wanda, I gotta bounce.
Well, maybe Vision can help you out.
Vision? Oh, he's not on duty.
I... I thought he...
Is there something I can do for you, Wanda?
Do you want something changed?
No. It's fine. Never mind.
All right. Peace.
Hey! How's it going?
Happy Halloween.
I'm so hungry, I'd eat anything.
Hungry? I remember hungry.
I used to be like that all the time.
What did you do?
Snacked on Yo-Magic, bro.
Now I have time to hang fin.
Can I have some?
Here you go, little dude.
Yo-Magic! The snack for survivors!
This is so lame.
I can't believe you're making them return all the candy.
I can't believe what a bad influence you are.
Who beefed in your borscht?
I'm just trying to do my part, okay?
Come to town unexpectedly, create tension with the brother-in-law,
stir up trouble with the rugrats, and ultimately give you grief.
I mean, that's what you wanted, isn't it?
What happened to your accent?
What happened to yours?
Details are fuzzy, man.
I got shot like a chump on the street for no reason at all
and the next thing I know, I heard you calling me.
I knew you needed me.
Uncle P, guess what?
They've got full-size candy bars a few blocks up. Mom, can we go?
Next stop, Cavity Town.
Right on, little dude.
Chip off the old Maximoff block.
You've got super speed!
- I do? - Yeah!
It's okay, baby.
You can take it slow, and you can...
If you're gonna break the sound barrier, please just take your brother with you.
- Really? - Really?
Really. Yeah. And please just remember to...
Don't go past Ellis Avenue.
We know, Mom. We know.
Hey! Be careful.
I'm just trying to do my part, okay?
Come to town unexpectedly, create tension with the brother-in-law...
Who is that?
Wanda's brother came to town.
He brought the wrong face.
Over here.
- What happened to your accent? - What happened to yours?
We shouldn't hang out here too long.
Give me two seconds.
I just need to hack into the secure network on the base.
Donezo.
Now, should be able to access the data on Hayward's devices.
That's interesting.
Guys, Hayward figured out a way to look through the boundary.
And he didn't share it with the group.
Is this Wanda, right here?
No. The program is tracking the decay signature of vibranium.
Vision. Wait.
Why is Hayward tracking Vision?
I don't know. This is all I can access so far.
These other dots, those are Westview residents?
The ones in Vision's immediate vicinity, yeah.
So, Hayward must have an accurate headcount by now.
And some sense of their well-being.
These people, near the edge of town...
They're barely moving.
Are they alive?
Say, excuse me.
Ma'am?
Are those your children?
Are you waiting for something?
Happy Halloween!
Trick-or-treat?
Agnes?
What are you doing here?
Town Square Scare. Where is it?
Oh, well, the Town Square.
I expect.
Took a wrong turn.
Got lost.
In the town you grew up in?
It's all right.
You...
You're one of the Avengers.
You're Vision.
Are you here to help us?
I am Vision. I do want to help.
But what's an Avenger?
What?
Why don't you know?
Am I dead?
No, no. Why would you think that?
Because you are.
'Cause I'm what?
Dead.
Dead!
Agnes, it is my intention to reach those outside of Westview
and make sense of our situation.
How?
No one leaves.
Wanda won't even let us think about it.
All is lost.
Agnes...
Agnes, please calm down.
Agnes! Please...
I will fix this, Agnes. I promise.
Okey-dokey, neighbor.
Happy Halloweenie!
That's it.
My way back into the Hex will be here in an hour.
Just gotta meet my guy over the ridge.
Let's roll.
You can't do that.
Sure we can. I'm a whiz at hot-wiring cars.
You can't go back into the Hex.
Worst case scenario,
Wanda removes my free will and puts me in ultra-low-rise jeans.
Hayward has your blood work.
You've gone through the boundary twice already, Monica.
The energy inside has re-written your cells on a molecular level twice.
It's changing you.
Seen enough lab results to last me a lifetime.
Cells metastasizing, cells in remission.
I know what Wanda's feeling and I won't stop until I help her.
Okay.
But I'm staying here.
- Wait, you can't stay here. It's not safe. - What? Darcy, what are you talkin' about?
I haven't made it through Hayward's last firewall.
There's something big here. Something that can help us. I know it.
Fine. Fine.
I'll drop you the location, you meet us out there as soon as you can.
Holy shmacaroni.
Isn't it great?
Damn it, if Westview, New Jersey isn't charming as hell.
Now, I know that you think that I've have gone full soccer mom.
- Yeah. - But it really is nice, right?
Yeah.
I think Mom and Dad would've loved it.
Yeah. I think they would have.
Where were you hiding all these kids up till now?
- What? - I assume
they are all just sleeping peacefully in their beds.
No need to traumatize beyond the occasional holiday episode cameo, am I right?
- No... - You were always the empathetic twin.
- I don't... I didn't... - Hey, don't get me wrong.
You've handled the ethical considerations of this scenario as best you could.
Families and couples stay together,
most personalities aren't far off from what's underneath, people got better jobs,
better haircuts, for sure.
You don't... think it's wrong?
What, are you kidding?
I'm impressed! Seriously.
It's a prety big leap from giving people nightmares
and shooting red wiggly-woos out of your hands.
How'd you even do all this?
Hey, I'm not some stranger and I'm not your husband.
You can talk to me.
I don't know how I did it.
I...
I only remember feeling completely alone.
Empty. I just...
Endless nothingness.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Hayward, you sneaky bastard.
Move out.
Vision.
What's he doing?
He really does want out, doesn't he?
No.
Why aren't you helping him?
- Stop! He's coming apart! - Hey!
He really does want out doesn't he?
Billy!
Are you okay?
Mom!
Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
What? What is it, Billy?
I hear Dad in my head. He's in trouble.
Let me go! What are you doing?
Help him! Let me go!
Help!
The people need help.
I don't understand. What's happening to me?
Where is he? Where's your dad?
Hey, don't sweat it, sis. It's not like your dead husband can die twice.
Billy, I need you to focus.
I can't tell. I see these...
...soldiers.
They think he's dying.
Jimmy. Jimmy, do you see that? Something's happening!
It's moving! Go, go, go!
Go, go, go! Move, move, move!
Are you serious right now?
Hey! Stop!
Oh, fudge.
Push it! Faster!
Come in. Anyone read me?
Anyone hear my voice?
Does anyone read me?
Anyone read me? Over.
Look, we've all been there, right?
Letting our fear and anger get the best of us,
intentionally expanding the borders of the false world we created.
Move it! Move it!
Mom, are you coming down soon?
Mom, our game is freaking out.
Is she asleep?
Mommy's not sleeping, honey.
She's just resting her eyes.
Mom, my head feels weird.
It's, like, really noisy.
I don't like it.
Resting. Her. Eyes.
As punishment for my reckless evening,
I plan on taking a quarantine-style staycation.
A whole day...
just to myself.
That'll show me.
I got to it first!
You always get to it first!
Yeah, I'm not sure what that's about.
It's probably just a case of the Mondays.
Am I right?
Lucky for us, she pumped the brakes.
Yeah. I feel very lucky.
What's happening with the broadcast?
Dead air. The signal's gone.
Make sure the team has everything they need.
We launch today.
Yes, sir.
You're the new clown?
At least you're already in makeup.
You're late for rehearsal with the escape artist.
Come on.
Yeah, I'm not great at this gig, I gotta be honest.
It doesn't really speak to my skill set.
I put in for the bearded lady, but...
this alabaster complexion wasn't fooling anyone.
Can I help you, creeper?
You don't remember me from last night?
We locked eyes. There was a unspoken understanding.
Hard pass.
No, wait. Wait up.
Have you seen your dad?
No.
Do you wanna go look for him?
Well, if he doesn't wanna be here, there's nothing I can do about it.
Hey, Mom, last night, Uncle P said that thing about re-killing Dad?
Don't believe anything that man said. He is not your uncle.
Who is he?
Here's the thing, boys.
I'm your mom.
And as such, you were counting on me to have all the answers, right?
Well, I don't.
I have...
no answers.
Zip. Zero. Zilch.
Nada. Niente.
I'm starting to believe
that everything is...
meaningless.
Imean, you're welcome to draw your own conclusions, of course,
but that's just where I'm at.
Ok, so maybe I went a little too dark there,
but they'll be fine.
Vision is made of vibranium. They literally inherited tough skin.
Hi, Agnes. Come on in.
I'd get up, but I just don't want to.
But I think I got there in the nick of time
'cause she was one split end away from cutting her own bangs.
Hey, boys, why don't we give your mom some me time?
Agnes, are you sure?
Oh, abso-positively.
- Come on, let's go, guys. - Do we have to, Mom?
Someone needs to be here to take care of you.
Boys, I'll be fine. Just go with Agnes.
I promise I won't bite.
I actually did bite a kid once.
Agnes, you are a life-saver.
- Is there anything I can do for you? - You know what?
I do have a suspicious mole on my back that I just can't see.
Boundaries. I get it.
Say no more.
All right, gentlemen, let's keep it moving.
You know what? If one of you two could take a quick look,
I'd appreciate it. It's right here above my...
...delivering flawless offensive plays right out of the gate.
The final goal scored with a remark...
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Darcy made it through that last firewall, all right.
Oh, what'd she find?
R and D reports. All on the same project.
Code name, Cataract.
Hayward wasn't decommissioning Vision.
He was trying to bring him back online.
Nothing worked until...
Wanda stole Vision's body.
That's why he was so focused on tracking Vision inside the Hex.
Hayward wants his sentient weapon back.
Someone has to tell Wanda.
Look. There they are.
- Major Goodner. - Captain Rambeau.
This is Agent Woo.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you so much for coming. My mother would appreciate your loyalty.
She's not the only one we're loyal to, Captain.
Let me show you what we brought you.
Did we get your specs right?
She's perfect.
Hello? Excuse me.
You... you tried to help me.
Doubtful. I'm notoriously self-involved.
No, no, no. Please. Just hear me out.
All right. I believe that you were part of a team
monitoring a supernatural anomaly. And now...
Well, you're in it.
Fine. I'll go out with you, but I'm ordering the lobster.
Oh, no. Look, that mime... His tray is getting too heavy.
Your bad back!
Okay.
- Awake? - Yeah.
All right?
Oh, hello, self.
You know, part of me secretly wanted a guest spot on the show,
but seriously, that sucked.
Look, uh, what is your name? Your real name?
Darcy Lewis.
Dr. Darcy Lewis. I intercepted a communication regarding your work.
Hey, the lions just got off stage. You're up.
Dr. Lewis, I have questions.
I have answers.
Should we take this convo on the road?
- Excellent. - You two are up.
No, I'm so sorry. Doctor and I have a prior engagement.
She's not goin' anywhere.
No!
My nose!
- Sorry. - Come on.
- Excuse me. - Where do you think you're going?
Get back here!
To your house, I assume?
Dr. Lewis, my questions, are my children safe?
That I don't know.
And who is that imposter, Pietro?
Beats me.
- Let's roll. - Great.
- Get out of there. - Sorry. Can't hear you.
- What? - Drive!
I'm so sorry. We were double-booked by the agents.
You got to be on stage.
- Step on it, Darcy! - What are you doing?
I can't hear you.
You get back here! I need you!
I don't understand what's happening.
Why it's...
Why it's all falling apart and why...
I can't fix it.
Do you think maybe this is what you deserve?
What?
You're not supposed to talk.
Feeling depressed?
Like the world goes on without you?
Do you just want to be left alone?
Ask your doctor about Nexus.
A unique anti-depressant that works to anchor you back to your reality.
Or the reality of your choice.
Side effects include feeling your feelings,
confronting your truth, seizing your destiny,
and possibly, more depression.
You should not take Nexus
unless your doctor has cleared you to move on with your life.
Nexus, because the world doesn't revolve around you.
Or does it?
Hey, Sammy.
Okay, who's thirsty?
Some bevs.
Penny for your thoughts.
I like it here.
Oh, good.
Is it because Señor Scratchy is such a good listener?
No.
It's because it's quiet.
You're quiet, Agnes.
On the inside.
Do you think our mom is okay?
Oh, for sure!
Oh, you don't have to worry about your mom.
Your mom can do anything. She's supermom.
Ralph says I sugarcoat things. But,
you try telling a 10-year-old that his mother is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Final checks.
We're all set, Captain.
Thank you.
Darcy's not here to give her stamp of approval.
I know.
She's in there and I'm gonna go get her out.
It's our last shot, Jimmy.
Godspeed, Captain.
How much faith you have in this thing?
It's our most heavily-armored space rover.
She's gonna sail right through. Unharmed.
Capcom, check.
Good, check.
On your order, Captain.
Moving out.
Contact in five,
four, three...
two,
one.
What happened to sailing right through?
The density is matching her.
I'm close. It's gonna give!
The structural integrity is failing.
It's disintegrating.
No, it's being rewritten.
Monica, get out of there!
Do you copy, Monica?
Monica! Get out of there!
Monica!
Get a medevac, now!
Watch out!
No. No.
I can get through.
Monica! No!
No, I can't. I can't leave Monica.
Mommy, it's okay. I can stay with Grandma and Pop-Pop.
There's no way I'm going, baby. It's too dangerous.
Mom,
maybe I could fly up and meet you halfway?
Only if you learn to glow like your Aunt Carol.
And you were the most powerful person I knew.
Your mom, she died, honey.
She was truly an inspiration.
- Sorry. - No!
Your mom's lucky.
When they were handing out kids, they gave her the toughest one.
So, Wanda killed me?
Yes, but it's not that simple. You asked her to do it.
Why would I have done that?
To save the universe.
Well, half of it.
Did it work?
It did.
Until the bad guy rewound time and killed you himself.
There are a few extra steps, but to set up the context...
I came back and died again.
And she had to watch.
Oh, man, another red light?
It's kinda overkill out in the sticks here, don't you think?
Yes.
I believe... I think that Wanda is creating
these impediments to stop me returning home.
Also, it never rains in Westview, right?
I'm not amused.
Yeah, great. Just take your time, fellas.
So if I understand correctly,
my original code dates back to an AI called Jarvis?
But my corporeal form was born of Ultron's plan for global genocide?
Correct-o.
What am I now?
Honestly, I'm a STEM type of lady,
so I thought she just flipped a switch on your head
and brought you back to life, but...
what I don't get is why you can't leave the Hex.
What I do know is, I've been watching WandaVision for the past week.
And the love you two have is real.
You belong together.
Wanda?
Wanda!
What are you doing?
- Wanda... - How did you get in here?
Listen to me. This whole thing is about Vision.
- Get out of my house. - Hayward was trying to bring him...
Don't talk to me about that. I don't wanna hear about it.
The drones, the missiles. Pietro?
No, wait, Pietro, no, no, no, that wasn't us.
All you do is lie!
The only lies I've told are the ones you put in my mouth.
Careful what you say to me.
Do it, then.
Take me out.
See, see? That's where you and Hayward differ.
He's gonna burn Westview to the ground just to get what he wants.
Don't let him make you the villain.
Maybe I already am.
I'm not afraid of you, Wanda.
I lost the person closest to me, too.
The worst thing I can think of has already happened to me
and I can't change it. I can't undo it.
I can't control this pain anymore.
And I don't think I want to, because it's my truth.
Wanda, you have to...
Young lady, I think you overstayed your welcome.
Poor Wanda's been through enough.
This doesn't concern you.
Wanda...
Run along, dear.
Wanda, you have to take it down.
No.
- Don't make me hurt you. - All right.
Okay, let's wrap it up.
Yes, finally.
Oh, come on!
Come on, kids.
Kids? What's next, puppies?
I had no idea how much Wanda had endured before coming to Westview,
how much we both had, I guess.
Though I can't remember it.
For me, it feels like it happened to someone else, you know?
But for her...
It's mere weeks ago.
What am I doing here, sitting, talking to you when I should...
This is... This is absurd. I need to get to my wife.
So I'll just meet you there, then?
Oh, here.
Would you like a cup of tea, hon?
- Sure. Thank you, Agnes. - Okay.
Sit down. Be right back with that.
Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jumpy, jump, jump, jump, jump
Jumpy, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump
Jumpy, jump, jump, jump, jump
Jumpy, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump
Where are the twins?
Oh, they're probably just playing in the basement.
Boys?
Tommy?
Billy?
Wanda, Wanda.
You didn't think you were the only magical girl in town, did you?
The name's Agatha Harkness. Lovely to finally meet you, dear.
Who's been messing up everything?
It's been Agatha all along
Who's been pulling every evil string?
It's been Agatha all along
She's insidious
So perfidious
That you haven't even noticed
- And the pity is - The pity is
Pity, pity, pity, pity
It's too late to fix anything
Now that everything has gone wrong
Thanks to Agatha
Naughty Agatha
It's been Agatha all along
And I killed Sparky, too.
Snooper's gonna snoop.
No, no, no.
Please, no.
No. No, please.
Agatha Harkness, are you a witch?
Yes.
I am a witch.
Yet you have betrayed your coven.
I have not!
You stole knowledge above your age and station.
You practice the darkest of magic.
I know... I know nothing of these crimes.
- I... I swear it. - Enough deception!
I did not break your rules.
They simply bent to my power.
Wait.
No. I cannot control it! I...
If only you would teach me!
Help me! Please!
Mother, please!
Please! Mother!
No!
Please, I can be good.
No, you cannot.
What?
No, I know.
She does look shocked to meet the real us, doesn't she?
That's adorable.
My thoughts are not available to you, toots.
They never, ever were.
So don't go givin' yourself a migraine.
We've got work to do.
- Where are my children? - "Where are my children?"
That accent really comes and goes, doesn't it?
Where are they?
Your magic's no good here.
Didn't you notice?
Basic protection spell...
...one in each wall?
No?
Nothing?
These are runes, Wanda.
In a given space, only the witch that cast the runes can use her magic.
How do you not know the fundamentals?
- Who are you? - Who are you?
All those costumes and hairstyles.
I was so patient,
waiting for you to reveal your true self.
I got close with fake Pietro.
Fietro, if you will, but no dice.
- That was you. - No, it wasn't literally me.
Just my eyes and ears.
A crystalline possession.
Necromancy was a non-starter
since your real brother's body is on another continent.
Not to mention, full of holes.
But you're so crippled by your own self-doubt
that you believed it.
Wanda,
when I sensed this place,
the afterglow of so many spells cast all at once...
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Mind control.
A classic.
Quick incantation and a feeble psyche and you're good to go.
With thousands of people under your thumb,
all interacting with each other according to complex storylines.
Well, that's something special, baby.
And of course, there's transmutation.
Years of study to achieve even the smallest convincing illusion.
But Westview through your lens, Wanda...
Every little detail in place down to the crown molding.
You're even running illusions miles away at the edge of town.
Magic on autopilot.
What's your secret, sister?
Listen, I need you... Hey, Wanda,
I need you to tell me how you did this.
I didn't do anything.
I'm not...
I tried to be gentle,
to nudge you awake from this ridiculous fantasy,
but you would rather fall apart than face your truth.
You left me no choice.
What was it you said to your not-brother?
All you could recall was the feeling.
You felt empty. Alone.
Endless nothingness.
Let's start there.
It's been fun playing pretend for a while, hasn't it, Wanda?
But it's time to look at some real reruns.
All right, let's go.
No.
I'm sorry.
Did you forget who's got your children stashed away in her bewitched basement?
- Mom! Mom! Help, please, Mom! - Mom, help us!
That's right.
After you...
...superstar.
Charming.
Love the Cold War aesthetic.
Why are we here?
Mama...
Irina?
Papa...
Oleg...
Hey.
- In English, Papa! - Pietro...
He's loud, isn't he?
You said the only rule of TV night is we try to practice our English.
Yeah. Yes, he is right.
We were just making rid of last little bit of Sokovian.
Where is your sister?
Wanda?
I mean, we're right here.
Wanda?
That's your cue, lady. You're on.
Hey.
Now we can begin. Wanda, you pick.
My pick isn't here.
I have forgot.
I put it in the special place for extra safekeeping.
Don't look.
Good job.
Hold this.
This is your pick, yes?
Season 2, Episode 21.
Dick Van Dyke again? Always "sitcom, sitcom, sitcom..."
The Walnut episode!
Yes, Rob and Laura have for the most fun shenanigans.
What is "shenanigan" again?
Shenanigan is like problem, but more silly than scary,
but can sometimes be a little scary.
Yeah, like mischief.
But a silly mischief that always becomes fine.
Okay, Papa start it for us.
The Dick Van Dyke Show,
starring Dick Van Dyke.
And Mary Tyler Moore.
Wanda!
- I heard a scream. - I must've screamed.
What a night nightmare.
I dreamed that I was a Twiloite.
And then I lost my sense of humor and my thumbs...
At the end of the episode, you realize it was all a bad dream.
None of it was real.
Did you stop that bomb?
What?
You used a probability hex.
No, I...
It just never went off. It was...
It was defective. We didn't know that.
- We were... We were trapped. - For how long?
Two days.
So much trauma...
...and yet you were safe as kittens the whole time.
So, what I see here is a baby witch, obsessed with sitcoms
and years of therapy ahead of her.
Doesn't explain your recent hijinks.
Where'd you get the big guns, Wanda?
I don't wanna go back there.
I know you don't, but it's good medicine, angel.
The only way forward is back.
Wanda. The rebellious years.
Quick question, your reaction to the bombing
of your civilian apartment building and the murder of your parents
was to join an anti-freedom terrorist organization.
We wanted to change the world.
Don't be scared. You already lived it once.
For our notes, Miss Maximoff,
can you please state your name and confirm your status?
Wanda Maximoff.
Volunteer.
Begin experimentation.
Doctor, with respect, not one subject has survived direct cont...
Touch the sample.
So I... I just...
She's still alive. Get her to isolation now.
Baby, Baby and doll...
Why do I gotta...
Because I'm putting my baby to sleep, that's why.
Play it again.
Again.
It makes no sense.
What happened in there?
You stop that. You'll hurt her feelings.
She hasn't got any feelings.
She's full o' sawdust or rags or somethin'.
A guy can't even practice his kazoo anymore!
So, little orphan Wanda got up close and personal
with an Infinity Stone that amplified
what, otherwise, would've died on the vine.
The broken pieces of you are adding up, buttercup.
I have a theory,
but I need more.
Wait!
Wanda. Movin' on up.
So, where are we now?
The Avengers compound.
It was the first home Vision and I ever shared.
Pietro was dead and I was in a new country.
I was all alone.
Vision?
I apologize. I don't mean to intrude.
You don't?
Well, I suppose, yes, I did intend to come in here.
And now?
And... Well, whatever is your preference.
Is it funny because of the grievous injury the man just suffered?
No, he's not really injured.
- How can you be certain? - It's not that kind of show.
Wanda, I don't presume to know what you're feeling,
but I would like to know.
Should you wish to tell me.
Should that be of some comfort to you.
What makes you think that talking about it would bring me comfort?
See, I read that the...
The only thing that would bring me comfort is seeing him again.
Sorry.
I'm...
I'm so tired.
It's...
It's just like this wave washing over me, again and again.
It knocks me down, and when I try to stand up,
it just comes for me again.
And I...
It's just gonna drown me.
- No. No, it won't. - Yeah.
How do you know?
Well, because it can't all be sorrow, can it?
I've always been alone, so I don't feel the lack.
It's all I've ever known.
I've never experienced loss
because I have never had a loved one to lose.
But what is grief, if not love persevering?
- Sorry. Pardon. - No, it was funny.
Yes, it was very funny, wasn't it?
So, to recap.
Parents dead, brother dead,
Vision dead.
What happened when he wasn't there to pull you back from the darkness, Wanda?
- I can't do this anymore. - Come on, Wanda!
You're on the precipice. You are right there!
Tell me how you did it.
Vision was gone.
But you wanted him back.
I wanted him back.
I know you have him.
- I'm sorry, but like I said... - Please...
Please.
When I came back, he was gone.
His... body.
And I know he's here.
He deserves a funeral, at least.
I deserve it.
Yes, sir.
Yeah, she's still here.
Are you sure?
Of course.
Through the doors. Down the hall.
Two lefts and a right.
One moment. I have to buzz you in.
I got it! Thanks.
Wanda Maximoff?
It's an honor to meet you.
- Truly. - Who are you?
Director Tyler Hayward.
I understand you're here to see the Vision,
to... recover the body, that is, is that right?
- Well, I'm his next of kin. - I understand.
I'd like to show you something.
And then you'll give him to me?
Please, just come with me.
What is this? Why are you showing me this?
Because you asked to see it.
Stop... Stop...
Stop it!
What...
What are you doing to him?
We're dismantling the most sophisticated, sentient weapon ever made.
But Vision's not a weapon. You can't do this.
In fact, it is our legal and ethical obligation.
I just wanna bury him. That's all I want.
- Are you sure? - Excuse me?
Not everyone has the kind of power
that could bring their soulmate back online.
Forgive me. Back to life.
No, I can't do that. It's...
That's not why I'm here.
Okay.
But I cannot allow you to take three-billion dollars' worth of vibranium
just to put it in the ground.
So, the best I can do is, let you say goodbye to him... here.
He's all that I have.
Well, that's just it, Wanda.
He isn't yours.
Fall back.
It's fine.
Let her see for herself.
I can't feel you.
Wanda.
Welcome home.
Should we stay in tonight?
Bravo!
- Mom! Mom! Mom, help us! - Mom! Help!
Please! Please help us! Mom!
Mom! Please!
Mom! Mom!
I know what you are.
Mom!
It's okay, baby. It's okay.
You have no idea how dangerous you are.
You're supposed to be a myth.
A being capable of spontaneous creation,
and here you are, using it to make breakfast for dinner.
Let go of my children.
Yes, your children.
And Vision, and this whole little life you've made,
this is Chaos Magic, Wanda.
And that makes you...
the Scarlet Witch.
Sir, the team is ready for launch.
It's about time.
We took this thing apart
and put it back together again a million times.
Tried every type of power supply under the sun,
when all we needed was a little energy directly from the source.
Ready, sir.
TOMMY: Get off of me! Let go of my brother!
My powers work out here, or did you forget?
No, dear. I'm counting on it.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
-No! -(YELPS)
Go to your room.
-No way, we're staying with you. -Come on, Mom, we can help.
-AGNES: Listen to your mother, boys. -Now!
(BOTH GRUNT)
I take power from the undeserving.
It's kinda my thing.
(SQUELCHING)
(GRUNTS)
You're clearly in over your little red head.
So, why don't you surrender your magic to someone who knows what to do with it?
And I'll let you keep this pathetic little corner of the world all to yourself.
What do you say?
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
(GASPS)
Vision?
Is it really you?
Wanda...
(GASPING)
(GRUNTING)
And I was told you were powerful.
(SCREAMING)
Where are the boys?
(PANTING) They're in the house. Safe.
Vision...
I should've told you everything.
-The moment I realized what I had done. -It's all right, Wanda.
I know why you made this world, but this...
-I can fix it. -Can you?
(ELECTRICAL HUM)
Oh, this is awkward.
Your ex and your boyfriend together at the same party.
Who are you gonna choose, Wanda?
Vision, this is our home.
Then let's fight for it.
MONICA: Wanda!
Wanda!
-Wanda! -PIETRO: Don't waste your breath, babe.
No one can hear you from in here.
(PIETRO PLAYING GUITAR)
(STRUMMING DRAMATIC TUNE)
(YELPS AND GROANS)
VISION: Might we resolve this peacefully?
Wanda Maximoff must be neutralized.
(VISION GRUNTING)
You must be destroyed.
A "no," then.
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BEEPING)
HAYWARD: Hey, it's my favorite member of the bureau.
Reconfirm mission objective.
AGENT RODRIGUEZ: His system is overloaded. I can't get anything through.
-(PHONE VIBRATES) -HAYWARD: Still under control?
AGENT RODRIGUEZ: He's still ours.
You'll never be able to cover this up.
I won't have to.
Wanda cancelled her show,
so there's no footage proving there was ever more than one Vision.
Oh, there's S.W.O.R.D. HQ security tape and evidence of tampering, no doubt.
No one's gonna care once I've eliminated Wanda Maximoff.
They'll believe that the Vision who emerges from the Westview rubble
is the same one she illegally tried to bring back to life.
They'll thank me for recovering such a valuable asset.
You could be a part of that victory, Jimmy.
If only you had a little more vision.
(CHUCKLES) That's a good one, Hayward.
Okay, I'm convinced.
Trouble is, my friends at Quantico
will probably have something to say about your plan
when they arrive inside the hour.
You're bluffing.
Am I?
We're done here.
(GRUNTS)
Oh. "Flourish."
-(LINE RINGS) -MAN: Hello?
Cliff. Uh, James Woo.
Hey, I've got a situation and I was hoping you could get here inside the hour?
-(ICE-CREAM CART BELL RINGS) -(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
-(LAUGHTER) -HERB: Guy's really funny.
-(VAN HORN HONKS) -"Don't shoot.
"I'm just the messenger." (CHUCKLES)
(GRUNTS AND GROANS)
AGNES: Wanda, you've never been up against another witch before.
Did you know there's an entire chapter devoted to you in the Darkhold?
That's the book of the damned.
"The Scarlet Witch is not born, she is forged.
"She has no coven, no need for incantation."
I'm not a witch. I don't cast spells.
No one taught me magic!
Your power exceeds that of the Sorcerer Supreme.
It's your destiny to destroy the world.
I'm not what you say I am.
AGNES: Oh, really?
(AGNES CHANTING IN LATIN)
(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)
(GASPING)
-DOTTIE: Wanda? -Dottie?
My name is Sarah.
I have a daughter. She's eight.
Maybe she could be friends with your boys.
If you like that storyline.
Or, uh, the school bully, even.
Really, anything. If you could just let her out of her room.
If I could just hold her, please.
What are you doing to her? You're making her say this.
She's your meat puppet, I just cut her strings.
(AGNES CHANTING IN LATIN)
(GASPS)
(AGNES CONTINUES CHANTING IN LATIN)
(WHIRRING)
What is this stuff?
This is my man-cave.
A place to chillax, you know, while the missus is stirring up trouble.
You a fan of Steven Seagal?
MONICA: Agnes doesn't live here.
You do.
Oh.
You're Ralph Bohner?
Boner. (CHUCKLES)
How is she controlling you?
You wanna tussle again?
Hmm? Huh? Huh?
-(YELLS) -(MONICA GRUNTS)
(GROANS) Meow, she's feisty!
Oh!
(GASPING) Oh, God! Please, spare my life!
Nice to meet you, Ralph.
BILLY: Can you see them anymore?
No.
(WANDA SCREAMING)
Hey, what... What's wrong?
-(SCREAMS) -(BILLY GASPS)
We've got to go.
I don't recognize my face in the mirror, my voice when I speak.
I used to try to resist you, but now, I can't remember why. Do you?
My husband's on a business trip.
Tell him I love him and not to come back here ever.
-I'm exhausted. -No, you're fine.
You're fine. You're all... You're all going to be fine.
When you let us sleep, we have your nightmares.
No, that's not true.
I've... I've kept you safe in here.
You... You feel...
You feel at peace.
-We feel your pain. -No.
-Your grief is poisoning us. -No, stop!
-Please, let us go. -I wanna get back home.
-Let us go. -Stop.
-MRS. HART: Let us go, please, Wanda. -(VOICES OVERLAPPING)
Please!
-Please! -(VOICES OVERLAPPING)
(SCREAMING)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL CHOKING)
No! Stop.
Stop, I'm sorry.
(ALL GASPING AND PANTING)
If you won't let us go, just let us die. Please.
-I will... -MAN: Please.
I will let you go. I will. I will.
AGNES: What's stopping you?
Use your power and do it now.
Heroes don't torture people.
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
(YELLING)
(GRUNTS)
Go! All of you, now. Go!
(WHOOSHING)
(BROKEN TV CHATTER)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(MUFFLED RUMBLING)
(ALARM SOUNDING)
This is it. We're going in.
(PANICKED SHOUTING)
(AGNES LAUGHING)
AGNES: Now you'll see.
(GRUNTING)
(GASPING)
(GRUNTING TIREDLY)
(SOBS) What?
Wanda!
(STRAINING)
BILLY: Mom! TOMMY: Help, Mom!
AGNES: Now, do you see?
You tied your family to this twisted world,
and now one can't exist without the other.
-Mom! -Mom!
Boys!
Save Westview or save your family.
-TOMMY: Mom! Help! -Help! Please!
(STRAINING)
-BILLY: Mom, help! -Mom!
(GRUNTING)
(YELLING)
(PANTING)
(SIRENS CHIRPING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(PANTING HEAVILY)
-Hi! -TOMMY: Mom!
-Hi! Hi! Hi! -Mom! Are you okay?
(AGNES CHANTS IN LATIN)
WANDA: No!
(BILLY AND TOMMY WHIMPER)
(BURSTING)
(WANDA SCREAMING)
(PANTING)
Mom? Are you okay?
AGNES: How sweet.
Um... Dad?
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Listen, boys.
Your mother and I never really prepared you for this.
But you were born for it.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
Why are you doing this?
My programming directive is to destroy the Vision.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
But I'm not the true Vision. Only a conditional Vision.
(WEAPON WHIRRING)
(WHIRRING STOPS)
I request elaboration.
(RIFLES COCKING)
(ALL YELPING)
Same story, different century.
There'll always be torches and pitchforks for ladies like us, Wanda.
(ALL WHIMPER)
Boys, handle the military.
Mommy will be right back.
No, no, no! Stand down!
(BULLET CLINKS)
(GUN CLICKING)
-Nice tricks. -I like yours, too.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(VAN HORN HONKING)
Have fun in prison.
You are familiar with the thought experiment the Ship of Theseus
in the field of identity metaphysics?
Naturally.
The Ship of Theseus is an artifact in a museum.
Over time, its planks of wood rot and are replaced with new planks.
When no original plank remains, is it still the Ship of Theseus?
Secondly,
if those removed planks are restored and reassembled, free of the rot,
is that the Ship of Theseus?
Neither is the true ship.
Both are the true ship.
Well, then, we are agreed.
But I do not have the Mind Stone.
And I do not have one single ounce of original material.
Perhaps, the rot is the memories.
The wear and tear are the voyages.
The wood touched by Theseus himself.
I have not retained memories.
But you do have the data.
It is merely being kept from you.
A weapon to be more easily controlled.
But, certainly, you are the true Vision, for you believe yourself to be.
That was once the case.
But upon meeting you, I have been disabused of that notion.
As a carbon-based synthezoid,
your memory storage is not so easily wiped.
May I?
I am Vision.
BILLY AND TOMMY: Dad!
-TOMMY: Hi! Hi! -Boys, boys, boys, boys!
Dad!
(CHANTS INDISTINCTLY)
(GASPS)
AGNES: No.
No.
(GASPING)
You see, the difference between you and me,
is that you did this on purpose.
No!
No, no, no! No, no!
Oh, please! I beg you! I beg you!
No! No, no!
No! No! No!
(WHIMPERS)
WITCHES: (CHANTING) Wanda. Wanda.
Wanda. Wanda Maximoff...
(OVERLAPPING) You are a witch.
You are a witch.
Witch...
-You... -(GASPS)
...are the Scarlet Witch.
WITCHES: So it is written. So it is written. So it is written.
Told you so.
Harbinger of Chaos.
WITCHES: So, it is foretold. So it is written. So, it is foretold.
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
(WHIMPERING)
You can't win, Wanda.
Power isn't your problem, it's knowledge.
(WITCHES GASPING)
(GASPS)
Give me your power and I will correct the flaws in your original spell.
And you and your family, and the people of Westview
can all live together in peace.
And no one will ever have to feel this pain again.
Not even you.
WITCHES: So it is written. So it is foretold.
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
Take it!
(GRUNTING)
I don't want it.
VISION: Wanda, what are you doing?
AGNES: Come on, Wanda!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(AGNES CACKLING)
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
AGNES: Come on, Wanda! Escape your fate!
(WANDA GRUNTS)
Release your burden!
(GRUNTS AND GASPS)
There's more. I want it all.
(PANTING)
-(GRUNTING) -(AGNES GASPS)
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(PANTING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
BOTH: Mom!
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
AGNES: About our deal...
Once cast, a spell can never be changed.
This world you made will always be broken.
Just like...
you.
(GRUNTS)
(AGNES GASPING)
(THUNDER CONTINUES RUMBLING)
Runes.
"In a given space, only the witch who cast them can use her magic."
Thanks for the lesson...
But I don't need you to tell me who I am.
(SHUDDERING) No. No. No. No!
(GRUNTS)
No! No! (GROANING)
(WAILING)
(GROANS)
Oh, God. You don't know what you've done.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(PANTING)
Good girl.
So, what now?
You just gonna lock me up somewhere?
No. Not "somewhere."
Here.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
"Here"?
Mmm-hmm.
I'll give you the role you chose.
The nosy neighbor.
No. Please...
I'm sorry.
AGNES: No, you're not. You're cruel.
You... You have...
You have no idea what you've unleashed.
You're gonna need me.
-If I do, I know where to find you. -Wait.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait...
(CHEERFULLY) Hiya, hon.
Say, that's some kinda getup you're wearing.
Did I leave the oven on, or is that just you, hot stuff? (CHUCKLES)
You live here now.
No one will ever bother you.
Okey dokey, artichokee.
I'll be seeing you, Agnes.
Not if I see you first, hon. (CHUCKLES)
BILLY: Mom! TOMMY: Mom!
(WANDA CHUCKLES)
-Come here... -TOMMY: Are you okay?
WANDA: Mmm...
So, it would appear that our dream home has been reduced to a fixer-upper.
I know you'll set everything right.
Just not for us.
No.
Not for us.
Hmm. It's time.
Should we head home?
Yeah.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
WANDA: Okay, hop in.
(SIGHS) Snug as a bug.
Big day today.
Your mother and I...
are very proud of you both.
Very proud.
You know...
a family is forever.
We could never truly leave each other, even if we tried.
You know that, right?
(SIGHS)
(KISSING)
(KISSING CONTINUES)
Good night, chaps.
-Good night, Dad. -Good night, Dad.
Good night, Mom.
(DISTANT BUZZING)
Boys...
Thanks for choosing me to be your mom.
Oh, I, uh...
I read somewhere that it's bad luck to say goodbye in the dark.
No, you didn't.
No, no.
Perhaps not. Perhaps...
I just wanted to see you clearly.
And?
And there you are.
(DISTANT ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
Wanda, I know we can't stay like this.
But before I go, I feel I must know.
What am I?
You, Vision...
are the piece of the Mind Stone that lives in me.
You are a body of wires and blood and bone that I created.
You are my sadness and my hope.
But mostly, you're my love.
(BREATHING SHAKILY)
I have been a voice with no body.
A body, but not human. And now...
a memory made real.
Who knows what I might be next?
(SIGHS) We have said goodbye before,
so it stands to reason...
We'll say hello again.
So long, darling.
They'll never know what you sacrificed for them.
It wouldn't change how they see me.
And you, you don't...
You don't hate me?
Given the chance and given your power,
I'd bring my mom back.
I know I would.
I'm sorry.
For all the pain I caused.
I know.
I don't understand this power.
But I will.
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
Goodbye, Monica.
Bye, Wanda.
Good luck.
WOO: All right, everybody, gather around.
The pharmacy is the best spot for medical.
And evidence collection can begin in the hardware store, Miguel.
Let's move.
Monica!
Authority looks good on you, Jimmy.
Where's Darcy?
Uh, something about "debriefs are for the weak."
But, um, we can thank her for that.
(WOO CHUCKLES)
Captain Rambeau.
They're asking for you in the theater.
MONICA: Thank you.
WOO: All right, let's go.
I was sent by an old friend of your mother's.
He heard you've been grounded.
He'd like to meet with you.
Where?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(KETTLE WHISTLING)
(MUFFLED RUMBLING)
BILLY: Mom, help!
-Mom, please! -TOMMY: Help! Mom, please!