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Thank you and thank you.
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This show is called Taskmaster
and my name is Greg Davies.
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Five very fine television
and radio personalities
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have been completing my
tasks for various reasons.
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There's the nominal fee,
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the massive exposure,
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and most importantly,
the chance to win this
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gilded duplication of my
massive, chiselled noddle.
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So, let's get on and meet them.
Their names are...
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Alice Levine!
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Asim Chaudhry!
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Liza Tarbuck!
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Russell Howard!
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And Tim Vine!
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[applause]
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And here, moping around like a lost tear
in an ocean of wretchedness...
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Oh, who is it? It's...
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[high-pitched]
Little Alex Horne!
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- [cheers and applause]
- Hello.
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And as is tradition, we'll be having
some painfully stilted banter
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for about two minutes
before we start the show.
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No.
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[laughter]
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Because I've pre-empted it this time,
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and I've covered the situation by
pre-recording some banter.
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- So I've, um...
- [Greg laughs]
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I've voiced you and I've voiced me,
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and we just sort of
mouth or mime along.
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- Ready?
- Yep.
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[Alex's voice] Great to be here,
Greg. You're looking fine.
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And you, Alex, are a
wonderful person.
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[laughter]
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- I... love you, Alex.
- [laughter]
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Better, wasn't it?
Better banter than...
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Shall we do one with me
voicing you now?
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- Let's try that.
- [laughter]
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Look down the camera.
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- Do we have to?
- Yeah.
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[Greg] Hello. I'm Alex Horne,
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and I support apartheid.
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[laughter]
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Shall we, uh...
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Crack on, shall we?
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[laughter]
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Hey, it was gonna come
out eventually, mate.
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[laughter]
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So, it's now time for the
prize task. Happy?
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This week...
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we've asked them to bring in
the sturdiest thing. OK?
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So the person who brings
in the sturdiest thing,
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according to you,
lord Greg Davies,
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will get five maximum points,
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and at the end of the show,
the person with the most points
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will take home all of the sturdy things.
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Good, and I think it's about
time we started with...
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Tim Vine.
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Hello, Tim. What is your sturdy thing
and why should I judge it the sturdiest?
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It's a small plastic St Bernard.
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OK.
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When I get angry, I go outside
and I throw it down on the patio,
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really hard, and it never changes at all.
It's the sturdiest thing I own.
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[Alex] Do you wanna see it?
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[laughter]
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We've developed a means
test for the sturdy items,
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and it's dropping me from 15 feet.
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Which is... What did you say?
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- That's my...
- Oh, terminal velocity.
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- Terminal velocity.
- Terminal velocity.
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And I'd argue that if you
dropped me from 15 feet
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onto a cross-eyed plastic hound,
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I'd probably fuck it up.
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How big is it, Tim?
How big is it?
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That's the thing, it is quite small.
It's kind of that size.
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I really don't think you would.
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You'll absorb it.
I think you'll absorb it.
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- I'll absorb it.
- [laughter]
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I'll absorb it into my fat feet, will I?
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Anywhere.
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Jesus Christ.
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Asim, what's your sturdy item?
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Well, before we do that,
I just want to say that
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from today, I am now,
officially, a vegan.
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- [scattered applause]
- Come on. Come on!
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So, my sturdiest thing...
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[laughter]
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My most sturdiest thing is...
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I'm flipping it a bit, something
you wouldn't think is sturdy.
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But I'm actually going for an egg.
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- Ahh.
- I'm back in the game.
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- [laughter]
- Yeah, you are.
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[Asim] Did you know that...
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Dust the old cross-eyed beast off.
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Did you know that you can drop an
egg from a tree and it won't break?
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Yeah.
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[laughter]
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And what if you dropped
a 20-stone man
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from 15-foot terminal
velocity onto it?
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[laughter]
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Scramble!
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Yeah, scrambled egg, yeah.
Not great news for the...
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I won't be able to eat it, as well,
'cause I'm vegan now, so...
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Oh, man. Well, that is
definitely last place.
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[laughter]
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[Greg] Liza?
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I've picked a donkey.
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- A real one?
- Yeah.
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You've brought a
donkey in, have you?
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Yeah, Thomas.
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- [laughter]
- I have.
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She has. The donkey is here.
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There's the picture,
but the winner...
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- [audience] Awww.
- [Liza] There we are. It's Thomas.
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[Greg] Will the donkey get brought
out at some point?
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Yeah, whoever wins the show
will win all the four sturdy things
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and have a go on the donkey.
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Have a go on anything's good.
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[Russell] Yeah.
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It's just awful how modern context
has changed phrases, though, isn't it?
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Oh, I didn't mean... Yeah, I
just meant stand next to it, really.
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Yeah, I know, but I read it as
"have sex with a donkey."
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[laughter]
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I think donkey is more sturdy than
an egg and a plastic St Bernard.
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That's my gut instinct. Alice?
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I was trying to think of
something that has
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been tested in terms
of sturdiness.
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It's been through extreme weathers.
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This is my mum's polytunnel
on her allotment.
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[Alex] Here it is.
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[Greg whistles]
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A younger host wouldn't
be impressed by that,
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but I'm a middle-aged
man, and that is...
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That is a lovely bit of kit.
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[laughter]
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Is it sturdier than a donkey?
Could you argue that for me?
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I feel like you could land...
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You would just bounce right off that.
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- [Greg] I would.
- You would have a lovely time.
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'Cause you'd spread the load.
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Yes, exactly.
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I'd spread my load--
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[laughter]
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It's a minefield, innit?
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[laughter]
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- Russell?
- Yes.
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Beat a donkey, beat a polytunnel.
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OK. My brother's calves.
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[laughter]
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So sturdy. He's got tremendous calves.
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- [Greg] Has he?
- Yep.
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- I've seen him get them out.
- [Greg] Is your brother here?
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He is here.
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Where is he? I want to jump
from 15 feet onto him.
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[laughter]
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OK, here are Russell's
brother's calves.
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[laughter]
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[Greg] I mean, they actually are
disgusting, aren't they?
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[laughter]
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Russell, what does the winner get?
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Does the winner get to
have a go on the calves?
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The winner can touch them,
can have a photo with them,
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and, of course, you can ride him.
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- Got it.
- [laughter]
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OK, well, I mean,
I'm gonna put an egg last,
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because I would mess an egg
up faster than I could mess up
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- Tim's St Bernard.
- [Alex] Famously.
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- So that's last and second to last.
- One point to Asim, two to Tim.
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I've met Russell's brother and,
unbeknownst to Russell,
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I have ridden on his back
on numerous occasions.
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- And they're unreliable, those calves.
- Crumpled.
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They could take me for a while,
so I'm putting you in third place.
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[Alex] OK.
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It's difficult, you know, but how
can you turn down a donkey?
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They're a powerful image of
everything that's right in the world,
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so until I distribute myself across...
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[laughter]
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Across Alice's mother's...
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- Polytunnel.
- polytunnel,
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[laughter]
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I must give the benefit of
the doubt to Liza Tarbuck.
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[Alex] Five points to Liza!
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[cheers and applause]
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Here we go, then. We're up
and running. What's first?
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We've got a task to finally answer
the age-old conundrum.
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[door knob rattling]
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[laughter]
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Go that way.
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OK.
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Follow this string in, do I?
Follow the piece of string in?
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It's the sort of thing you dream about,
isn't it? When you're seven.
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[laughter]
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Hang on a minute.
So I go out that way...
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Out that way, there. Right! Ah!
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- [Alex] What are you up to?
- Just following this string.
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- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
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- Hello.
- [laughing] Hi.
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- This is my caravan.
- It's lovely.
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I'm following the string.
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Follow the string!
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[Asim] Here we go.
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How long is a piece of string?
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"Without leaving the caravan..."
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"work out how long
this piece of string is."
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- [car horn honks]
- Excuse me.
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[laughter]
205
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"You have five minutes. Most
accurate answer wins."
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"Your time starts now."
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Bloody hell.
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Without leaving the caravan?
209
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Right, OK.
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Back in this way.
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[laughter]
212
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,730
[laughter]
213
00:09:12,730 --> 00:09:17,580
[applause]
214
00:09:18,310 --> 00:09:20,510
I thought you were supposed
to follow the string.
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Evidently.
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I thought I didn't want to
get disqualified for -
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"You didn't go through the
tunnel, did you?"
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I thought I'd be the only one who didn't,
not the only one who did.
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[laughter]
220
00:09:29,750 --> 00:09:32,540
Yeah, you took 15 minutes longer
than anyone else to reach the task.
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[laughter]
222
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How long's a piece of string?
Nice and simple, innit?
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Uh-huh. They had five
minutes to work it out,
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they weren't allowed
to leave the caravan.
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OK.
226
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Do you wanna see
the two little boys,
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- Asim and Russell?
- Two little boys, please.
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[laughter]
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Bloody hell.
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Without leaving the caravan?
231
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[Alex] Yeah, sorry.
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OK.
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This is gonna take some
very good guesswork.
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[Alex] What are you doing?
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I was seeing if there was
a tape measure in here.
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[Alex] Oh, that'd be useful.
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It would appear not.
I'm just gonna guess.
238
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OK, let me just do a
rough estimate.
239
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There's loads of string
in that bathtub.
240
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It goes through there each time,
so that's gonna add.
241
00:10:21,310 --> 00:10:23,180
I'm gonna say...
242
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Two hundred...
243
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and ten feet.
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[Alex] OK, and that's
including the ball, is it?
245
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Oh.
246
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No.
247
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OK, I thought it meant
just how much is...
248
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[Alex] Well, it's up to you, really.
249
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[laughter]
250
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OK, I'd say... 500 feet.
251
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That's a lot, though.
Yeah, I'd say 500.
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[Alex] OK.
253
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That's 31 metres.
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[Alex] 31, the whole thing?
255
00:10:59,130 --> 00:11:00,730
The whole thing is 31 metres.
256
00:11:00,730 --> 00:11:02,510
- Exactly?
- Yes.
257
00:11:02,510 --> 00:11:09,430
[applause]
258
00:11:10,260 --> 00:11:13,530
It's great to see scientific mind at work.
259
00:11:13,530 --> 00:11:15,240
[they laugh]
260
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,240
"200."
261
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:17,860
"Oh, no. Are you sure?"
262
00:11:17,860 --> 00:11:18,900
"500."
263
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,330
[laughter]
264
00:11:21,330 --> 00:11:25,820
Russell, that jacket makes you look
very at home in that caravan.
265
00:11:25,820 --> 00:11:28,010
It looks like you're running
a business from it.
266
00:11:28,860 --> 00:11:32,270
It makes me look like an uncle
who says to himself under his breath,
267
00:11:32,270 --> 00:11:33,460
"I'll get her back."
268
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:36,680
[laughter]
269
00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:38,510
Just to be clear, Asim's
final answer was...
270
00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:40,240
[both] 500 feet.
271
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:41,380
[Greg] Based on nothing.
272
00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:45,260
- [Greg] And Russell's was...
- [Alex] 31 metres or 102 feet.
273
00:11:45,260 --> 00:11:47,410
So there's 400 foot
between the guesses.
274
00:11:47,410 --> 00:11:50,040
[laughter]
275
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:51,530
Oh, I'm way off.
276
00:11:51,530 --> 00:11:54,000
OK, here it comes. Your first
interval of the episode.
277
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,670
I look forward to hearing
all about it. Bye for now.
278
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:09,280
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
279
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,800
I am Greg. Stringy things were
happening before the break.
280
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,310
Aren't I completely right, Alex?
281
00:12:14,310 --> 00:12:16,040
Always, always.
282
00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:17,040
Always.
283
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,930
Yes, we've been trying to learn
how long a piece of string is.
284
00:12:19,930 --> 00:12:21,730
Asim and Russell have had a go,
285
00:12:21,730 --> 00:12:23,840
but we're yet to know how
accurately they've guessed.
286
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,710
Next, this is Alice and Liza,
287
00:12:25,710 --> 00:12:27,820
presumably doing it more logically.
288
00:12:28,020 --> 00:12:29,570
I'm gonna take a risk.
289
00:12:29,570 --> 00:12:31,240
[Alex] Did you bring a tool with you?
290
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,910
Yeah, but I do often
have a tool on me.
291
00:12:34,910 --> 00:12:36,150
Can I have some scissors?
292
00:12:36,150 --> 00:12:37,170
[Alex] Would you like
me to get you some?
293
00:12:37,170 --> 00:12:38,670
- I'd love some scissors.
- OK.
294
00:12:50,330 --> 00:12:52,530
Oh, dear. Oh, Lor'.
295
00:12:52,530 --> 00:12:53,960
Well, it's quite long!
296
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,360
- Scissors for you.
- Thank you so much.
297
00:12:59,115 --> 00:13:00,315
OK.
298
00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:05,800
I've absolutely no idea.
299
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:09,110
I can't help you and I'd be
wrong to pretend I could.
300
00:13:09,110 --> 00:13:10,340
Do you wanna have a guess?
301
00:13:15,570 --> 00:13:16,570
OK.
302
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,080
So...
303
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:22,770
I think this piece of string
is five foot seven inches.
304
00:13:22,770 --> 00:13:23,770
OK.
305
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,950
I'm unclear as to whether
it's that bit or that bit.
306
00:13:28,950 --> 00:13:31,980
I've extracted a piece from the ball.
307
00:13:33,110 --> 00:13:36,770
So I think that this piece
is five foot seven.
308
00:13:37,370 --> 00:13:40,100
Um, I'll say four miles.
309
00:13:41,060 --> 00:13:43,460
- Long, isn't it?
- [Liza] It's really long, isn't it?
310
00:13:44,530 --> 00:13:45,440
[whistle blows]
311
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,480
- Thank you, Alice.
- Thank you.
312
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:48,980
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
313
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:57,970
[applause]
314
00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:01,680
I imagine Asim and Russell are both
thinking, "Back in the game."
315
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:02,750
[laughter]
316
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:04,280
32 miles was Liza's guess?
317
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:05,950
No, Liza's guess was four miles.
318
00:14:05,950 --> 00:14:07,220
- Four miles.
- She's not ridiculous.
319
00:14:07,220 --> 00:14:08,310
Oh, sorry.
320
00:14:08,410 --> 00:14:10,680
[laughter]
321
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,830
- Four miles...
- I was just cross that morning.
322
00:14:13,460 --> 00:14:15,480
Now, if you think that's mad...
323
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,730
I mean, I don't know where
to start with you.
324
00:14:17,930 --> 00:14:21,080
I wasn't sure which bit of the
string you wanted to measure,
325
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:25,080
and I just thought, better to
have an accurate measure of a bit
326
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:27,440
than an inaccurate measure of all of it.
327
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,040
- Hmm.
- So, really...
328
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,730
a great job.
329
00:14:30,730 --> 00:14:32,370
[laughter]
330
00:14:32,370 --> 00:14:35,550
- Great.
- Alice's guess, yeah, five foot seven.
331
00:14:35,550 --> 00:14:36,580
[Greg] Is wrong.
332
00:14:36,580 --> 00:14:40,350
Liza, four miles. So there's
21,105 foot between their guesses.
333
00:14:40,350 --> 00:14:41,640
[laughter]
334
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:44,540
OK. Next, it's Vine time!
335
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:48,710
How long is a piece of string? Erm...
336
00:14:48,710 --> 00:14:51,150
Let me just see if there's
anything in here that...
337
00:14:51,150 --> 00:14:52,150
Well...
338
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:56,420
I might measure it...
339
00:14:56,420 --> 00:14:58,510
I might do it in lobsters.
340
00:14:58,510 --> 00:14:59,810
Right.
341
00:15:00,110 --> 00:15:03,910
One, two, three... five...
342
00:15:03,910 --> 00:15:06,910
six, seven, eight, nine, ten...
343
00:15:06,910 --> 00:15:10,080
67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72...
344
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,640
107, 108, 109, 110...
345
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:15,150
111, 112.112.
346
00:15:15,150 --> 00:15:19,680
113, 114, 115, 116 lobsters
inside the caravan.
347
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,900
- How long left?
- One minute 40.
348
00:15:24,060 --> 00:15:26,310
[laughter]
349
00:15:26,310 --> 00:15:28,720
That's gonna have to... That's
just for the lobster. Right.
350
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:40,970
189, 190, 191, 192, 193...
351
00:15:40,970 --> 00:15:42,770
[laughter]
352
00:15:42,770 --> 00:15:44,030
103...
353
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:50,430
[Alex] 20 seconds.
354
00:15:51,310 --> 00:15:54,760
[laughter]
355
00:15:57,350 --> 00:15:58,450
[Alex] Ten seconds.
356
00:16:04,910 --> 00:16:07,060
308 lobsters!
357
00:16:07,060 --> 00:16:08,760
[Alex] How long do you
think a lobster is?
358
00:16:08,860 --> 00:16:12,240
- The lobster's about 30 centimetres.
- OK.
359
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,460
[whistle blows] Well, thank you, Tim.
360
00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:14,460
Thank you.
361
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:24,130
[cheers and applause]
362
00:16:24,130 --> 00:16:26,320
So much to enjoy about that.
363
00:16:27,970 --> 00:16:29,800
- My favourite moment?
- Mm-hm?
364
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,500
"I think I'm gonna use a lobster."
365
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,570
As if it is the most natural
thing in the world.
366
00:16:34,570 --> 00:16:37,130
I should say, Tim has never
won a task in this show.
367
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:39,620
He's won the prize task but
he's never won an actual task.
368
00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:41,880
- [Greg] I feel good about this.
- Hello!
369
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,680
Seriously, I'm excited to know.
370
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,220
Yes, OK. So he guessed 308 lobsters.
371
00:16:46,220 --> 00:16:46,910
Yeah?
372
00:16:46,910 --> 00:16:50,530
Uh, converting that to
feet, that's 308 feet.
373
00:16:50,530 --> 00:16:52,770
The actual string was...
374
00:16:52,770 --> 00:16:55,710
97 metres, which 318 feet.
375
00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:57,530
[everyone gasps]
376
00:16:57,530 --> 00:17:00,620
[cheers and applause]
377
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:01,710
Blimey!
378
00:17:01,810 --> 00:17:04,750
[applause]
379
00:17:04,750 --> 00:17:06,150
This is a whole new system.
380
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:09,220
I knew as soon as I saw the
lobster, I'd won that task.
381
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:12,400
I think you might have defined,
now that we're leaving Europe,
382
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,630
we might measure things in the lobster.
383
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,530
Well, that's what the "lb"... Instead
of pounds, it could be lobsters.
384
00:17:18,530 --> 00:17:20,280
[laughter]
385
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,130
How many lobsters out was he?
386
00:17:22,130 --> 00:17:23,530
- He was ten lobsters out.
- OK.
387
00:17:23,530 --> 00:17:25,480
- [Asim] Wow.
- [Alice] That's amazing.
388
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:27,350
Liza was 21,000 lobsters out.
389
00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:29,060
[laughter]
390
00:17:29,060 --> 00:17:31,130
Understandable, yeah.
391
00:17:31,130 --> 00:17:34,200
So the furthest out from the
correct answer was Liza.
392
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,060
She gets one point.
393
00:17:35,060 --> 00:17:37,040
Alice gets two,
Russell three, Asim four,
394
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:38,660
but Tim Vine gets five points!
395
00:17:38,660 --> 00:17:39,770
There it is!
396
00:17:39,770 --> 00:17:44,020
[cheers and applause]
397
00:17:44,020 --> 00:17:45,330
Unbelievable.
398
00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:47,310
Feels like we should see
the scores, then, Alex.
399
00:17:47,310 --> 00:17:48,110
OK then, yeah.
400
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:50,870
The leader at the moment is
Tim Vine, for the first time.
401
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:52,540
[cheers and applause]
402
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:53,940
[Alex] It's Vine time.
403
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,620
[applause]
404
00:17:55,620 --> 00:17:57,200
- Would you like a new task?
- Yes, please.
405
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,260
OK, this one is a tough one.
406
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,420
Hello, my little ferret.
407
00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:14,030
- [Alex] Hello, Alice.
- Hello.
408
00:18:16,950 --> 00:18:18,310
Eggs.
409
00:18:18,410 --> 00:18:20,560
[laughter]
410
00:18:21,060 --> 00:18:23,330
"Pull this tablecloth off this table."
411
00:18:23,330 --> 00:18:25,840
"Most eggs left unbroken
on the table wins."
412
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:30,550
"You have one attempt and may not
tamper with the table, tablecloth or eggs."
413
00:18:30,550 --> 00:18:33,710
- Nice use of the word "tamper".
- [Alex] Thank you, Liza.
414
00:18:33,710 --> 00:18:36,220
Eh? So we've just gotta...
[whooshing noise]
415
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:42,770
[applause]
416
00:18:42,770 --> 00:18:44,880
Shouldn't be too much
to worry about, Asim,
417
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,770
eggs being as sturdy as they are.
418
00:18:46,770 --> 00:18:50,000
[laughter]
419
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,620
- Go on, let's have a look.
- OK.
420
00:18:51,620 --> 00:18:53,110
So I'm just gonna pull it off, am I?
421
00:18:53,110 --> 00:18:54,710
[Alex] We're looking for a yank.
422
00:18:55,130 --> 00:18:57,460
[laughter]
423
00:18:57,460 --> 00:18:59,400
[Alex] Are you good at
this sort of thing, Liza?
424
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,520
I'm not answering that.
I think that's very leading.
425
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,530
[he sighs]
426
00:19:05,530 --> 00:19:06,680
OK.
427
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,000
- One yank, please, Asim.
- One yank.
428
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,840
Basically, this arm's got to get to there,
429
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:12,570
and you've got to not even see it move.
430
00:19:12,770 --> 00:19:15,530
Right. It's like a kind of pull motion.
431
00:19:16,420 --> 00:19:18,861
It's just gonna have to be swift, innit?
That's the thing.
432
00:19:18,886 --> 00:19:22,340
It's gonna have to be...
[whooshing noise] OK.
433
00:19:23,310 --> 00:19:25,440
I think I'm gonna nail it.
434
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,610
I just feel it.
435
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:33,380
[cheers and applause]
436
00:19:41,370 --> 00:19:45,920
[cheers and applause]
437
00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:49,770
[whispers] Oh, God.
438
00:19:52,220 --> 00:19:53,520
Hmm!
439
00:19:54,570 --> 00:19:55,570
Hmmm!
440
00:19:58,550 --> 00:20:00,530
[applause]
441
00:20:00,530 --> 00:20:01,610
Does that count?
442
00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:11,520
[applause]
443
00:20:14,110 --> 00:20:17,610
- [cheers and applause]
- Oh ho ho ho!
444
00:20:19,550 --> 00:20:21,780
And that's the end of
Taskmaster. Good night!
445
00:20:21,780 --> 00:20:23,480
[laughter]
446
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:24,840
That was incredible! We all did it.
447
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:25,750
[Alex] Yeah.
448
00:20:25,750 --> 00:20:28,280
The only difference was in the way
that everybody celebrated,
449
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:29,710
'cause most people just thought,
450
00:20:29,710 --> 00:20:31,400
"Well, I'm pleased that
I managed to do that."
451
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,280
Russell, apparently, walked straight out,
452
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,140
dropped to his knees
and started sobbing.
453
00:20:35,140 --> 00:20:38,800
[laughter]
454
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,910
I was so pleased.
455
00:20:40,910 --> 00:20:42,850
I felt like I was Roger Federer.
456
00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:45,440
OK, five points to everyone!
457
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:49,200
[cheers and applause]
458
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,330
So we gave them a task where
they all got the same points?
459
00:20:51,330 --> 00:20:52,060
Yes.
460
00:20:52,060 --> 00:20:53,730
Don't you ever, ever do that again.
461
00:20:53,730 --> 00:20:55,310
Or I'll kick you in the leg.
462
00:20:55,310 --> 00:20:58,220
[laughter]
463
00:20:58,220 --> 00:20:59,860
I think it's best we break up for a while.
464
00:20:59,860 --> 00:21:02,370
Just for a while, though. It'll
make us stronger in the long run.
465
00:21:02,370 --> 00:21:03,910
Just you wait and see.
466
00:21:14,060 --> 00:21:15,060
Hello!
467
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,150
I am so glad you came back.
468
00:21:17,150 --> 00:21:18,440
Alex, over to you.
469
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,800
- OK, would you like a new task?
- Yes, please.
470
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,920
This one is a perplexing
team one for you, darling.
471
00:21:25,020 --> 00:21:26,870
[laughter]
472
00:21:38,260 --> 00:21:39,710
- Hi, Alex!
- Hello, Liza.
473
00:21:39,710 --> 00:21:41,950
- Have you met my friends?
- [Tim] Hello, Alex.
474
00:21:41,950 --> 00:21:43,550
- Yes, I have.
- Crikey.
475
00:21:43,550 --> 00:21:45,150
- [Asim] Oh, my God.
- Stinks, doesn't it?
476
00:21:45,150 --> 00:21:46,600
Where are you?
Oh, there you are.
477
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,970
Everything smells of sweaty
dead dogs in here.
478
00:21:48,970 --> 00:21:50,080
- It's horrid, isn't it?
- Yeah.
479
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:51,260
- Shall I just get that, then?
- Yes, would you?
480
00:21:51,260 --> 00:21:52,880
Sorry, gents. So, look at this.
481
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:55,530
This is all about
kidnapping and things?
482
00:21:55,530 --> 00:21:56,910
[Tim] Flippin' heck.
483
00:21:56,910 --> 00:21:57,910
[Alice] OK.
484
00:21:59,510 --> 00:22:03,000
"Find the link, then do it
exactly 100 times."
485
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,600
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
486
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,280
"Find the link..."
So all this is linking.
487
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:09,980
- [Asim] OK.
- [Tim] Find the link.
488
00:22:09,980 --> 00:22:11,280
[Liza] What's the link?
489
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:16,700
[applause]
490
00:22:17,530 --> 00:22:19,440
I mean, I'm keen to crack
on with the task,
491
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,170
but I would say that the
crack detective team
492
00:22:22,170 --> 00:22:25,330
of Vine, Chaudhry and Tarbuck...
493
00:22:25,330 --> 00:22:27,440
If your mum had been
kidnapped or something,
494
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,280
and you three turned up,
you'd go, "Oh, no."
495
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,820
"Oh, no. She's not coming back."
496
00:22:32,820 --> 00:22:34,220
[laughter]
497
00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:37,480
This is my colleague.
He's in a safari costume.
498
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,550
[laughter]
499
00:22:40,550 --> 00:22:41,550
Who do we see first?
500
00:22:41,550 --> 00:22:43,250
We're gonna start with
Russell and Alice.
501
00:22:43,250 --> 00:22:44,400
- Team Funk?
- Team Funk.
502
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,020
- [Russell] Team Funk.
- [laughter]
503
00:22:46,020 --> 00:22:48,220
Can we have a pad and a pen, please?
504
00:22:48,220 --> 00:22:49,570
Thank you very much.
505
00:22:49,570 --> 00:22:50,570
OK.
506
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,950
What does this projector bit mean?
What does that mean?
507
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:58,310
I'll be honest with you, this...
508
00:22:58,310 --> 00:23:00,630
I want to... I want to burn all of this.
509
00:23:01,530 --> 00:23:04,620
I mean, it says hopeless-
less-less-ness-less.
510
00:23:04,620 --> 00:23:06,710
Is the link that there is no link?
511
00:23:06,710 --> 00:23:07,820
There's whisky here.
512
00:23:07,820 --> 00:23:10,870
But then that says urinating,
so I'm not sure it's whisky.
513
00:23:12,150 --> 00:23:14,570
- S... Steps?
- Steps.
514
00:23:14,570 --> 00:23:16,550
- [Alice] Guy.
- Step guy?
515
00:23:16,550 --> 00:23:19,530
Steps guy. Is that a guy
from the band Steps?
516
00:23:19,530 --> 00:23:21,070
- Oh, yeah! H from Steps.
- [DING]
517
00:23:21,070 --> 00:23:22,140
[Russell] Well done.
518
00:23:22,140 --> 00:23:24,680
What does that mean? 8, 15, 16?
519
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,750
That could be letters again,
so that could be A, B, C, D, E...
520
00:23:27,750 --> 00:23:29,920
- F, G, H.
- [DING]
521
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:33,530
I, J, K, L, M, N, O.
522
00:23:33,530 --> 00:23:35,110
[DING]
523
00:23:35,110 --> 00:23:38,240
M, N, O, P. Well, that's House
of Pain again, isn't it?
524
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:40,860
House of Pain. H-O-P.
525
00:23:40,860 --> 00:23:42,840
Damien Rice's debut...
526
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:45,550
- OK, well, that was O.
- [DING]
527
00:23:45,550 --> 00:23:47,080
Wasn't the album called O?
528
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:50,620
Urinating. Wee, er, pee.
529
00:23:50,620 --> 00:23:51,730
- P!
- [DING]
530
00:23:51,730 --> 00:23:53,600
Well done, yeah.
That's what that is.
531
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,310
D, L, L, P.
532
00:23:55,310 --> 00:23:57,840
I've got it. Is the link "hop"?
533
00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:59,310
And we have to hop 100 times?
534
00:23:59,310 --> 00:24:00,600
[DING]
535
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,510
- Oh, and you're hopping...
- 'Cause House of Pain...
536
00:24:02,510 --> 00:24:04,530
There was another H-O-P that you said
537
00:24:04,530 --> 00:24:05,950
that was something.
538
00:24:05,950 --> 00:24:08,400
What's the whisky in the, er...
539
00:24:09,550 --> 00:24:11,150
This, uh, is that a rabbit?
540
00:24:11,150 --> 00:24:12,410
- [Alex] Little rabbit.
- [Alice] Bunny hop.
541
00:24:12,410 --> 00:24:13,540
- [DING]
- [Russell] Bunny hop.
542
00:24:13,540 --> 00:24:16,040
So shall we hop 100 times?
That seems like a lot of hopping.
543
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:17,080
Yeah.
544
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:18,770
So shall we do 50 each?
545
00:24:18,770 --> 00:24:20,350
- Yeah.
- We have to do it exactly.
546
00:24:20,350 --> 00:24:21,680
- OK, ready?
- Yeah.
547
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:25,350
One, two, three, four, five, six...
548
00:24:25,350 --> 00:24:26,800
15, 16, 17...
549
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,370
28, 29, 30...
550
00:24:28,370 --> 00:24:31,040
- 41, 42, 43, 44...
- [Alice laughs]
551
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:33,370
45, 46, 47... Is that...?
552
00:24:33,370 --> 00:24:35,440
No, no more! Exactly.
553
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,660
They're gonna count our
extra ones, aren't they?
554
00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:40,220
- Only if they're dicks.
- Yeah.
555
00:24:40,220 --> 00:24:47,310
[cheers and applause]
556
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:52,200
You struck me as a
crack detective team.
557
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,750
It was only ruined by one thing.
558
00:24:53,750 --> 00:24:56,970
Once you cracked the case,
both of you, without discussing it...
559
00:24:56,970 --> 00:24:58,310
Bunny hands up.
560
00:24:58,310 --> 00:25:01,310
[laughter]
561
00:25:01,310 --> 00:25:03,280
We're professionals, OK?
562
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,040
[Russell laughs]
563
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,260
"We've done it. Well done."
564
00:25:06,260 --> 00:25:08,220
"Team Funk struck again."
565
00:25:08,220 --> 00:25:09,910
"Now let's take this home!"
566
00:25:09,910 --> 00:25:12,000
[laughter]
567
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,000
[Alex] They did crack it, though.
568
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,680
- Pretty impressive.
- [Russell] Smashed it.
569
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:18,370
They got rabbit hops, the
whisky was Hopscotch.
570
00:25:18,370 --> 00:25:20,000
There were short-hop flights.
571
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,040
I stopped the clock after
their hundredth hop,
572
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,170
- 'cause I'm not a dick.
- No, we're not dicks.
573
00:25:24,170 --> 00:25:25,840
Why did it smell so bad in there?
574
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:27,840
They were hops.
The tray was full of hops.
575
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:30,810
- [Russell] Oh, I see.
- Ahh, I didn't know that.
576
00:25:31,310 --> 00:25:32,700
- You're never there.
- No.
577
00:25:32,700 --> 00:25:34,600
[laughter]
578
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,410
I'm not. I'm literally on my
sofa counting money.
579
00:25:37,410 --> 00:25:39,800
[laughter]
580
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:44,070
[laughter and applause]
581
00:25:44,970 --> 00:25:49,880
So, Russell and Alice, they
took 11 minutes and 18 seconds.
582
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:53,360
OK, we're now gonna look
at Tim, Asim and Liza.
583
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:54,970
[Liza] Is that whisky?
584
00:25:54,970 --> 00:25:58,460
S-T-P-S-G-U...
585
00:25:58,460 --> 00:25:59,950
That doesn't mean anything, does it?
586
00:25:59,950 --> 00:26:01,930
- [Tim] "Find the link, then do it..."
- [Liza] Steps...
587
00:26:01,930 --> 00:26:04,900
guy. Steps guy?
What's that mean?
588
00:26:04,900 --> 00:26:06,640
[Tim] Overhead projector.
589
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,200
- No J Simpson.
- [Asim] No J Simpson.
590
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,600
- It's all very cryptic, innit?
- [Alex] Yes, it is, Tim.
591
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,420
- Is this still the same show?
- Look at the rabbit underneath there.
592
00:26:13,420 --> 00:26:14,420
Yes.
593
00:26:15,130 --> 00:26:18,330
[Liza] Do you know what it's lying in?
Looks like, to me, hops.
594
00:26:18,330 --> 00:26:20,330
I keep thinking it's
something like hopping.
595
00:26:20,330 --> 00:26:21,310
[DING]
596
00:26:21,310 --> 00:26:23,320
- Are they hops?
- I think so.
597
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:25,820
[dings bell]
598
00:26:25,820 --> 00:26:27,600
It's worth doing, that. [dings bell]
599
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,680
I reckon let's step back and look,
600
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,150
'cause I think we're too close.
601
00:26:31,150 --> 00:26:32,440
We're probably missing something...
602
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:33,660
A bigger picture, here.
603
00:26:33,660 --> 00:26:36,000
- [Asim] Steps... guy.
- [Tim] Steps... guy.
604
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:39,310
Steps guy. The Steps guy, H!
605
00:26:39,310 --> 00:26:41,950
- H. Steps guy is H.
- Yes.
606
00:26:41,950 --> 00:26:43,640
Wait, H. He's the...
607
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,260
No J Simpson. H.
608
00:26:46,260 --> 00:26:47,550
This Steps guy is H.
609
00:26:47,550 --> 00:26:48,620
OK, we got H.
610
00:26:48,620 --> 00:26:51,080
OK, let's follow that.
OK, so then that, so H...
611
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:52,273
What does that say?
612
00:26:52,498 --> 00:26:54,240
- Diddy. OK, P?
- [Tim] P.
613
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:55,970
[Asim] We're getting
somewhere. So H...
614
00:26:55,970 --> 00:26:57,730
Has anyone got...?
We haven't got a pen.
615
00:26:57,730 --> 00:26:59,060
OK, just remember H.
616
00:26:59,060 --> 00:27:00,240
Yes, I can remember H.
617
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:03,070
OK. We don't need to
write that down.
618
00:27:04,220 --> 00:27:06,350
HP Sauce! Oh, no, hang on.
619
00:27:06,350 --> 00:27:07,910
Look at that, yeah?
620
00:27:07,910 --> 00:27:10,800
H. Urinating. Piss.
621
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,200
[Asim] H-P. You know
what this could be?
622
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:14,200
What?
623
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:15,210
The alphabet.
624
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,580
A-B-A-B.
625
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,200
I think that's a good call, though.
Do you think, maybe...?
626
00:27:23,350 --> 00:27:24,100
It's hops.
627
00:27:24,100 --> 00:27:26,400
Ah, jump around, maybe
we need to just jump...
628
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:29,540
We should... jump around for a bit.
629
00:27:31,350 --> 00:27:33,400
Six, seven, eight, nine...
630
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,110
- [laughter]
- 12, 13, 14, 15...
631
00:27:36,110 --> 00:27:38,170
[man] I don't know that's
jumping or not.
632
00:27:38,500 --> 00:27:40,050
I'm not sure if it's jumping, either.
633
00:27:40,050 --> 00:27:43,020
- [Liza] I've just hopped 100 times.
- [whistle blows]
634
00:27:44,020 --> 00:27:45,420
- What was that?
- What does that mean?
635
00:27:45,420 --> 00:27:47,030
[Liza] That was the task.
636
00:27:47,420 --> 00:27:48,350
Does that mean the whole task...?
637
00:27:48,350 --> 00:27:50,000
[Alex] Yes, you've done it.
Congratulations, team.
638
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,530
What the f... That was it?
639
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:59,930
[cheers and applause]
640
00:27:59,930 --> 00:28:03,400
[applause]
641
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,620
Have we ever had a clearer metaphor
642
00:28:05,620 --> 00:28:09,830
for the plight of women
through the ages?
643
00:28:10,130 --> 00:28:12,220
What I love is just this weary...
644
00:28:12,420 --> 00:28:14,420
Trying to get them to hear hops,
645
00:28:14,420 --> 00:28:16,240
and in the end, just going, "OK."
646
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,200
"I'm just gonna start hopping."
647
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,220
[laughter]
648
00:28:20,220 --> 00:28:22,910
Ten on each foot, hold the girls down.
649
00:28:22,910 --> 00:28:24,350
[laughter]
650
00:28:24,350 --> 00:28:26,550
They came into the other room furious.
651
00:28:26,550 --> 00:28:28,720
No "well done." Furious.
652
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,950
And Tim's gone, "Greg's gonna
bloody demolish me for that."
653
00:28:31,950 --> 00:28:36,080
[laughter]
654
00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:38,020
But you got it instantly!
655
00:28:38,020 --> 00:28:39,750
How quickly did Liza solve it?
656
00:28:39,750 --> 00:28:41,660
Well, she said "hops"
in under a minute.
657
00:28:41,660 --> 00:28:43,080
[laughter]
658
00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:45,150
And how long were they
in there altogether?
659
00:28:45,150 --> 00:28:48,020
Well, she'd completed 100
hops in eight minutes 34.
660
00:28:48,020 --> 00:28:51,240
Right, so there was about
seven minutes of bullshit...
661
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,240
[laughter]
662
00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:54,860
I just couldn't get my head around H.
663
00:28:54,860 --> 00:28:57,110
I was like, "H!"
664
00:28:57,110 --> 00:29:00,620
And I don't want to further
make things worse for you, Asim,
665
00:29:00,620 --> 00:29:02,080
but I did write down this.
666
00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:04,950
"H. Urinating. Piss."
667
00:29:04,950 --> 00:29:06,510
[laughter]
668
00:29:06,510 --> 00:29:07,970
We won, though, innit? So fuck it.
669
00:29:07,970 --> 00:29:10,530
[laughter]
670
00:29:10,530 --> 00:29:12,160
It's all about the team, innit?
671
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:17,260
- So let's say five points for...
- Asim, Tim and Liza.
672
00:29:17,260 --> 00:29:19,710
Liza and her two clowns.
673
00:29:19,710 --> 00:29:21,400
And three points each for Team Funk.
674
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:23,220
- Happy with that?
- [Alex] Yeah, done.
675
00:29:23,220 --> 00:29:26,860
[cheers and applause]
676
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:30,550
What's next, Alex?
677
00:29:30,550 --> 00:29:33,670
OK, this next one is even more tricky.
678
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:48,710
Nice. Alex?
679
00:29:48,710 --> 00:29:49,760
Hello, Russell.
680
00:29:50,060 --> 00:29:51,230
I like snooker.
681
00:29:52,130 --> 00:29:54,530
- [Alex] I like you.
- [Tim laughs]
682
00:29:55,370 --> 00:29:56,670
[Alex] Your sort of thing?
683
00:29:57,240 --> 00:29:58,970
Yeah, I'm not bad at...
684
00:29:58,970 --> 00:30:01,740
traditional boys' games.
685
00:30:02,970 --> 00:30:04,210
Oh, God.
686
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:09,510
"Pull off the most elaborate trick shot."
687
00:30:09,510 --> 00:30:12,350
"You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."
688
00:30:12,350 --> 00:30:13,820
[he sighs] Oh, God.
689
00:30:13,820 --> 00:30:15,200
Oh, I like this.
690
00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:17,080
I couldn't even...
691
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:21,100
pot any of them normally,
never mind as a trick.
692
00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:24,320
Don't really play a huge
amount of snooker.
693
00:30:24,620 --> 00:30:26,260
Why have you got gloves on?
694
00:30:26,460 --> 00:30:27,950
- I'm the...
- Oh, of course.
695
00:30:27,950 --> 00:30:29,710
You're the... judge? Is that
what it's called? No.
696
00:30:29,710 --> 00:30:31,600
- Judge. Snooker judge.
- Snooker judge.
697
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:32,950
[laughter]
698
00:30:32,950 --> 00:30:37,270
[applause]
699
00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:40,570
I was gonna ridicule you
for the judge comment,
700
00:30:40,570 --> 00:30:43,420
and then I realised I don't really know
what a snooker man's called either.
701
00:30:43,420 --> 00:30:44,860
- Or woman.
- [laughter]
702
00:30:44,860 --> 00:30:46,080
Snooker man. It's snooker man.
703
00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:47,550
- Snooker man?
- [laughter]
704
00:30:47,550 --> 00:30:48,600
[Greg] Who shall we see first?
705
00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:50,530
We're gonna start off with someone
706
00:30:50,530 --> 00:30:52,370
who's never played darts or snooker,
707
00:30:52,370 --> 00:30:53,740
it's Alice Levine.
708
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:13,040
♪ What a trick ♪
709
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:15,380
♪ Look at the crazy trick ♪
710
00:31:18,620 --> 00:31:19,780
Oh, God.
711
00:31:20,530 --> 00:31:22,460
This is gonna be harder
than I thought.
712
00:31:22,460 --> 00:31:23,840
[Alex] It's quite a long trick.
713
00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:28,640
Oh, now we're cooking.
714
00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:31,180
And for the finale...
715
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:38,740
♪ Here comes the finale, baby ♪
716
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:41,000
[Alex] Got them all in.
717
00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:44,230
And that, my friend,
is called a trick shot.
718
00:31:45,350 --> 00:31:46,770
Thank you, Alice.
719
00:31:46,770 --> 00:31:48,360
- [Alex] Goodbye.
- Always a pleasure.
720
00:31:49,710 --> 00:31:54,140
[applause]
721
00:31:55,780 --> 00:31:57,500
Did you have some questions?
722
00:31:58,660 --> 00:32:03,660
We're doing an assistant advancement
program at the moment, Alex and I,
723
00:32:03,660 --> 00:32:05,440
where I sometimes let
him make a decision.
724
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:06,110
[Alice] Right.
725
00:32:06,110 --> 00:32:08,260
- So I'm going to, on this occasion.
- OK.
726
00:32:08,260 --> 00:32:11,540
Yeah, and I think there are
two ways of looking at your stunt.
727
00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:13,820
I think you could say there
was some humour in there.
728
00:32:13,820 --> 00:32:15,410
You chalked your cues,
humorously,
729
00:32:15,410 --> 00:32:17,420
even though you knew you
weren't gonna use them.
730
00:32:17,420 --> 00:32:19,420
- There was the beautiful music.
- Thank you.
731
00:32:19,420 --> 00:32:20,930
I even wrote the lyric down.
732
00:32:20,930 --> 00:32:24,080
♪ What a... Look at the lovely trick ♪
733
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:25,770
People forget that.
734
00:32:25,770 --> 00:32:29,640
So you could say it was well
thought-out, interesting,
735
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:32,400
- unexpected piece of misdirection.
- I can't think of another way of looking at it.
736
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:35,170
Well, the other angle is, we
could say it was rubbish.
737
00:32:35,170 --> 00:32:37,370
[laughter]
738
00:32:37,370 --> 00:32:39,770
- [Alex] And I get to decide?
- [Greg] Yeah, it's all yours.
739
00:32:39,770 --> 00:32:41,930
I... I'd probably say the former. Was it?
740
00:32:41,930 --> 00:32:43,020
Do you think?
741
00:32:43,020 --> 00:32:44,030
- Yeah? Maybe?
- No.
742
00:32:44,030 --> 00:32:45,970
- It was rubbish.
- [laughter]
743
00:32:47,130 --> 00:32:50,600
You'll be sad, pleased or indifferent
to discover it's the end of part three.
744
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,530
Go away and then come
back for the final part,
745
00:32:53,530 --> 00:32:55,080
where someone will take home an egg,
746
00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:56,910
Russell Howard's brother's legs,
747
00:32:56,910 --> 00:32:58,050
and a donkey.
748
00:33:07,770 --> 00:33:11,370
Hello! It's only part four, and
I'm gonna say trick shots, Alex.
749
00:33:11,370 --> 00:33:12,660
Good stuff.
750
00:33:12,660 --> 00:33:15,110
And he's right. Trick shots
are the name of the game.
751
00:33:15,110 --> 00:33:17,060
Alice subtly suggested it wasn't a task
752
00:33:17,060 --> 00:33:19,260
she was particularly keen
on completing,
753
00:33:19,260 --> 00:33:20,820
and now we're gonna see someone
754
00:33:20,820 --> 00:33:22,480
who's taken every opportunity so far
755
00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:25,570
to show off with balls.
It's Russell Howard.
756
00:33:25,570 --> 00:33:29,340
[wheelbarrow squeaking]
757
00:33:30,130 --> 00:33:31,770
[leaf-blower whooshing]
758
00:33:31,770 --> 00:33:33,660
- You're gonna have that.
- Oh, thank you.
759
00:33:33,660 --> 00:33:36,200
And you're gonna try and
put me off as I make it,
760
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:38,680
but there's gonna be
several stages to this.
761
00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:42,200
That's the first stage and
I've gotta do five of those.
762
00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:44,660
So it's gonna take a couple of attempts.
763
00:33:44,660 --> 00:33:47,800
First of all, we have to chip
the ball through there,
764
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:51,640
and then we have to get the
basketball in the bathtub,
765
00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:52,950
and then, right at the end of it,
766
00:33:52,950 --> 00:33:56,170
I've got to put that in there.
767
00:33:56,170 --> 00:33:57,310
In one go. Ready?
768
00:33:57,310 --> 00:33:59,310
When do you want me
to start attacking you?
769
00:33:59,310 --> 00:34:00,460
At any stage.
770
00:34:00,460 --> 00:34:03,130
You have to sledge me, heckle me,
771
00:34:03,130 --> 00:34:04,860
as many mean things
as you can think.
772
00:34:04,860 --> 00:34:06,400
OK, I'm not great at that,
but I'll have a go.
773
00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:07,150
We'll try. Ready?
774
00:34:07,150 --> 00:34:10,020
One, two, three, four, five!
775
00:34:10,020 --> 00:34:13,020
First bit done. Now
chipping the ball in here.
776
00:34:13,020 --> 00:34:14,740
[Alex] You're not very
good at football.
777
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:16,200
Done!
778
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:17,660
[Alex] I don't understand
your dress sense.
779
00:34:17,660 --> 00:34:19,220
Fuckin' right.
780
00:34:19,220 --> 00:34:21,660
Now I have to throw this over there.
781
00:34:21,660 --> 00:34:23,770
- Not sure about your hair.
- Done!
782
00:34:23,770 --> 00:34:25,570
That's not even part of it,
783
00:34:25,570 --> 00:34:27,330
and now I've gotta do this.
784
00:34:27,330 --> 00:34:29,060
Your... your glasses look a bit silly.
785
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:32,480
Pleasure.
786
00:34:33,420 --> 00:34:36,220
- Well done, Russell. Good shot.
- Thanks, man.
787
00:34:36,220 --> 00:34:41,540
[cheers and applause]
788
00:34:42,420 --> 00:34:43,420
Well...
789
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,330
First of all, let's address
your sledging technique.
790
00:34:46,330 --> 00:34:48,130
Yeah, I'm so sorry.
Russell, I'm so sorry.
791
00:34:48,130 --> 00:34:50,000
- I wouldn't normally have said that...
- Yeah, it was pretty full on, mate.
792
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:51,720
"I'm not sure about your hair."
793
00:34:52,620 --> 00:34:53,950
"Your glasses look silly."
794
00:34:53,950 --> 00:34:55,970
Yeah. He's got me there, yeah.
795
00:34:55,970 --> 00:34:57,840
Did you get it all right first time?
796
00:34:57,840 --> 00:34:58,930
Well, mate.
797
00:34:58,930 --> 00:35:00,060
What I would say...
798
00:35:00,060 --> 00:35:02,330
[laughter]
799
00:35:02,330 --> 00:35:05,220
- I got all the hard bits right first time.
- Right.
800
00:35:05,220 --> 00:35:07,400
Every time I chipped it in the caravan,
801
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:08,420
every time I got the ball in...
802
00:35:08,420 --> 00:35:10,600
Not every time, and we've got
a couple of the other attempts.
803
00:35:10,600 --> 00:35:13,170
[laughter]
804
00:35:13,170 --> 00:35:15,510
Just start again if I can't complete them.
805
00:35:15,510 --> 00:35:16,660
So, ready?
806
00:35:16,860 --> 00:35:18,680
One, two, three, fuck!
807
00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:21,760
Right. One, two, fucking hell.
This is tricky.
808
00:35:22,910 --> 00:35:24,770
ARGH, you...!
809
00:35:24,770 --> 00:35:26,400
So it means I have to do it again!
810
00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:27,400
It's fine!
811
00:35:28,510 --> 00:35:30,370
Argh, shit!
812
00:35:30,370 --> 00:35:31,710
Oh, fucking...!
813
00:35:31,710 --> 00:35:33,200
It's alright, we go again!
814
00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:35,580
I mean, this is absolutely frustrating.
815
00:35:36,330 --> 00:35:37,930
[he sighs]
816
00:35:37,930 --> 00:35:39,010
[Russell] Here we go again.
817
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:41,810
Oof.
818
00:35:41,910 --> 00:35:46,660
[applause]
819
00:35:46,660 --> 00:35:48,280
I was so happy, though.
820
00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:51,170
Something so exciting about
chipping a football into a caravan.
821
00:35:51,170 --> 00:35:52,170
[Greg] Yeah.
822
00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:54,630
You were asked to do
a snooker trick shot.
823
00:35:54,630 --> 00:35:56,770
[laughter]
824
00:35:56,770 --> 00:35:57,600
[Greg] Who's next?
825
00:35:57,600 --> 00:36:01,030
Now we're gonna see Liza
Tarbuck step up to the table.
826
00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:11,960
[laughter]
827
00:36:18,550 --> 00:36:20,030
Thank you, Alex.
828
00:36:20,330 --> 00:36:25,970
[cheers and applause]
829
00:36:25,970 --> 00:36:28,360
- [Russell] You what?
- [Liza] I'm good.
830
00:36:30,370 --> 00:36:32,440
That's absolutely amazing.
831
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,740
It's almost like it was
animated or something.
832
00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:36,330
Just incredible, isn't it?
833
00:36:36,330 --> 00:36:37,930
[Greg] It's absolutely amazing.
834
00:36:37,930 --> 00:36:40,260
I mean, I respect you, I think
you're extraordinary,
835
00:36:40,260 --> 00:36:42,520
but that is a sea of bullshit.
836
00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:44,750
- [laughter]
- [Greg] Is it? I dunno.
837
00:36:44,750 --> 00:36:47,420
Liza got a team of people
to run around after her.
838
00:36:47,420 --> 00:36:49,730
You ran around on your
own like an idiot,
839
00:36:49,730 --> 00:36:50,800
writing your own rules,
840
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:53,080
and Liza went, "OK, I'm not
gonna lift a finger here."
841
00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:54,480
"I'm gonna get these clowns to do it."
842
00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:55,800
Yeah. Funk that!
843
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:59,600
[laughter]
844
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:01,640
Um, it was incredible.
Let's see another one.
845
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:03,350
OK, well, the last two I've
grouped together.
846
00:37:03,350 --> 00:37:05,440
So it's Tim and Asim.
847
00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:07,000
Where would you like it?
848
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:09,130
Sort of in line, as though it's
an extension of the table.
849
00:37:09,130 --> 00:37:10,130
Oh, right.
850
00:37:11,620 --> 00:37:12,720
That's pretty good.
851
00:37:45,750 --> 00:37:46,660
OK.
852
00:37:46,660 --> 00:37:48,220
OK, I'm gonna have an attempt now.
853
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:50,770
- Ready?
- Good luck.
854
00:37:58,710 --> 00:37:59,910
Come on!
855
00:37:59,910 --> 00:38:02,640
[applause]
856
00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:03,730
Get in.
857
00:38:03,730 --> 00:38:04,730
Ah!
858
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:06,740
[Tim] This is another attempt.
859
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:17,220
- [toy squeaks]
- [laughter]
860
00:38:17,220 --> 00:38:18,840
[Tim] The lesser potted giraffe.
861
00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:20,600
[Alex] Lesser potted...?
Lesser potted giraffe.
862
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:21,840
[Tim] The name of the shot, yeah.
863
00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:22,840
[Alex] Thank you.
864
00:38:26,460 --> 00:38:27,510
[whistle blows]
865
00:38:27,610 --> 00:38:30,880
[cheers and applause]
866
00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:32,580
[Alice] That was really good.
867
00:38:34,530 --> 00:38:36,960
Asim, didn't you just
create a massive tube?
868
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:39,150
Yeah. Just a massive tube.
869
00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:41,440
But it got a round of applause
from these simpletons.
870
00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:42,910
[laughter]
871
00:38:42,910 --> 00:38:45,310
I dropped it from quite a distance,
did you see that? I was a bit cocky.
872
00:38:45,310 --> 00:38:46,770
- [Greg] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You like that?
873
00:38:46,770 --> 00:38:48,130
I really did.
874
00:38:48,330 --> 00:38:49,640
[laughter]
875
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:51,770
It's really hard to want to
score this, honest to God.
876
00:38:51,770 --> 00:38:54,640
Does it help that Tim called his
one "the lesser potted giraffe"?
877
00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:58,000
Yes, it's just bagged him the first place.
878
00:38:58,000 --> 00:38:58,820
[Alex] OK.
879
00:38:58,820 --> 00:39:03,260
[cheers and applause]
880
00:39:03,260 --> 00:39:07,620
I think Liza's stunningly visual...
881
00:39:07,620 --> 00:39:09,530
trickery should go in
second place. There.
882
00:39:09,530 --> 00:39:10,470
- [Alex] Do you?
- [Greg] Yes, I do.
883
00:39:10,470 --> 00:39:11,420
Thank you.
884
00:39:11,420 --> 00:39:13,910
[applause]
885
00:39:13,910 --> 00:39:16,770
- [Alex laughs]
- [laughter]
886
00:39:16,770 --> 00:39:17,640
Fine.
887
00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:18,950
The more you shake your little head,
888
00:39:18,950 --> 00:39:20,730
the lower down you go, you tinker.
889
00:39:20,730 --> 00:39:22,130
[laughter]
890
00:39:22,130 --> 00:39:24,240
OK, so five to Tim, four to Liza.
Where are we going?
891
00:39:24,240 --> 00:39:25,550
Oh, man. It's so difficult.
892
00:39:25,550 --> 00:39:27,260
Is it worth going to the bottom?
Would that make it easier?
893
00:39:27,260 --> 00:39:29,070
Yes, it would, wouldn't it?
894
00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:31,130
Oh, come on!
895
00:39:31,130 --> 00:39:33,120
No, I'm looking at Alice.
It's my glasses.
896
00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:34,150
[laughter]
897
00:39:34,150 --> 00:39:37,130
I'm gonna give one to Alice.
I'm giving Big Tube two.
898
00:39:37,130 --> 00:39:38,910
[laughter]
899
00:39:38,910 --> 00:39:40,330
Three to Russell. There, it's done.
900
00:39:40,330 --> 00:39:41,060
OK, done.
901
00:39:41,060 --> 00:39:43,200
- Sorry, Big Tube.
- But the winner is Tim Vine!
902
00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:47,620
[cheers and applause]
903
00:39:47,620 --> 00:39:50,350
I am hankering for a
scoreboard update, Alex.
904
00:39:50,350 --> 00:39:51,440
Please may I have one?
905
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:54,510
It's Vine time again. He's in
the lead with 22 points.
906
00:39:54,510 --> 00:39:56,200
Second place is Liza Tarbuck.
907
00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:59,310
[cheers and applause]
908
00:40:00,710 --> 00:40:03,350
OK, can you head to the stage, please,
909
00:40:03,350 --> 00:40:06,070
because it's the final task of the show!
910
00:40:10,550 --> 00:40:16,380
[cheers and applause]
911
00:40:17,330 --> 00:40:19,120
What a sinister sight.
912
00:40:19,970 --> 00:40:21,660
Who's gonna read the task, Alex?
913
00:40:21,660 --> 00:40:22,660
Alice Levine.
914
00:40:23,970 --> 00:40:26,910
"Throw as many eggs onto
the shelves as possible."
915
00:40:26,910 --> 00:40:29,260
"You must lie flat on your
bed at all times."
916
00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:31,150
"Most eggs on the shelf wins."
917
00:40:31,150 --> 00:40:32,970
"You have 100 seconds."
918
00:40:32,970 --> 00:40:35,820
Sounds like this shouldn't
be too difficult, Asim.
919
00:40:35,820 --> 00:40:39,070
[laughter]
920
00:40:39,930 --> 00:40:43,330
Have we got this for some weird
health and safety, in case we get egg...
921
00:40:43,330 --> 00:40:45,030
Hey, it's because eggs are sturdy!
922
00:40:45,030 --> 00:40:46,330
[laughter]
923
00:40:46,330 --> 00:40:47,820
Use the Force, Luke.
924
00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:49,370
[laughter]
925
00:40:49,370 --> 00:40:51,110
A hundred seconds starts...
926
00:40:51,110 --> 00:40:52,750
- [whistle blows]
- [Greg] Let's egg!
927
00:40:59,710 --> 00:41:02,050
[Alex] Oh, that's unlucky,
that's lucky. Ooh.
928
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:03,660
Oh, three at a time.
929
00:41:03,660 --> 00:41:06,400
You've got plenty of time,
Asim. Plenty of time.
930
00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:08,450
Very nice, Liza. Very...
931
00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:13,330
Yeah, you're doing alright,
you're doing alright.
932
00:41:13,330 --> 00:41:15,030
- [Alex] Ooh!
- [Greg] Yay!
933
00:41:15,770 --> 00:41:17,580
Whoa, I've got egg on my...
934
00:41:19,710 --> 00:41:22,120
[audience gasps]
935
00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:24,450
Thirty seconds left.
936
00:41:27,530 --> 00:41:29,260
That's your last egg.
937
00:41:29,260 --> 00:41:31,640
Oh, that was lucky.
That's your last one.
938
00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:33,070
You've got a basket.
939
00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:37,310
Not long left, not many eggs left.
940
00:41:37,310 --> 00:41:40,000
[laughter]
941
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,970
It's very egg-citing, isn't it?
Very egg-citing.
942
00:41:42,970 --> 00:41:45,510
[blows whistle]
That's the end of egg fun.
943
00:41:45,510 --> 00:41:49,130
[cheers and applause]
944
00:41:49,130 --> 00:41:50,550
You count those up, bring 'em down,
945
00:41:50,550 --> 00:41:51,930
we'll see how that's
affected the final score.
946
00:41:51,930 --> 00:41:53,130
[Alex] OK.
947
00:41:57,370 --> 00:42:01,080
[cheers and applause]
948
00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:03,170
Well, do you want me to tell
you about the eggs?
949
00:42:03,170 --> 00:42:05,710
Er, yes, I would like you to
tell me about the eggs.
950
00:42:05,710 --> 00:42:07,710
Alice got two on the shelf.
951
00:42:07,710 --> 00:42:10,220
I think... I think one bounced out.
952
00:42:10,220 --> 00:42:11,220
- Yes?
- No.
953
00:42:11,220 --> 00:42:11,840
Oh, no.
954
00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:13,200
I was watching. You had
a very nice trajectory,
955
00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:15,200
but it was for 17 feet behind you.
956
00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:16,600
[laughter]
957
00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:18,950
We had Alice on two, Asim three,
958
00:42:18,950 --> 00:42:20,130
Russell and Tim both got five,
959
00:42:20,130 --> 00:42:22,170
but Liza is very good at
throwing eggs onto a shelf.
960
00:42:22,170 --> 00:42:23,660
- She got six eggs onto the shelf.
- [Greg] Again!
961
00:42:23,660 --> 00:42:24,820
Who knew?
962
00:42:24,820 --> 00:42:26,000
[cheers and applause]
963
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:27,230
Who knew?
964
00:42:27,950 --> 00:42:31,170
You're the ultimate Renaissance
woman. What the hell are you doing?
965
00:42:31,170 --> 00:42:32,620
[Alex] Yeah, it is incredible.
966
00:42:32,620 --> 00:42:36,420
She's now on treble figures.
She's on 103 for the series.
967
00:42:36,420 --> 00:42:38,010
- [Russell] Oh, Liz!
- [Alice] What?!
968
00:42:38,010 --> 00:42:39,970
Alice and Asim are on 76 and 77,
969
00:42:39,970 --> 00:42:42,060
to give you some idea of
how far ahead she is.
970
00:42:42,060 --> 00:42:44,870
I think you might be Britain's
most powerful woman.
971
00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:49,550
But, today, the final scores
look like this.
972
00:42:49,550 --> 00:42:51,440
- Here it comes. It's...
- [Asim] Viney.
973
00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:53,280
[Alex] Vine time!
974
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,930
[cheers and applause]
975
00:42:55,930 --> 00:42:57,470
[he laughs]
976
00:42:58,510 --> 00:42:59,510
Well done.
977
00:43:01,310 --> 00:43:04,930
There you have it. Tim Vine is
the winner of episode five.
978
00:43:04,930 --> 00:43:07,620
Please go and gather all
of your sturdy stuff!
979
00:43:07,620 --> 00:43:10,130
[cheers and applause]
980
00:43:10,130 --> 00:43:11,200
[Liza] Go on, Tim!
981
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:14,310
[cheers and applause]
982
00:43:14,310 --> 00:43:15,620
So, what have we learnt today?
983
00:43:15,620 --> 00:43:18,150
We've learnt that when Britain
finally sets sail and leaves the EU,
984
00:43:18,150 --> 00:43:19,800
we'll know, because the
road signs will say,
985
00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:22,550
"London to Brighton,
390,000 lobsters."
986
00:43:22,550 --> 00:43:24,910
And we've learnt that Tim
Vine won the episode.
987
00:43:24,910 --> 00:43:26,420
Who could possibly forget that?
988
00:43:26,420 --> 00:43:29,750
Now, you. Get down there.
I'll show you what sturdy is.
989
00:43:29,750 --> 00:43:31,830
Join us next time. Goodbye!
990
00:43:34,710 --> 00:43:37,500
[subtitles by tribbletown]