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Hello!
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How are you?
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I'm fine, thanks.
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You're looking well.
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I'm Greg Davies and
this is Taskmaster.
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There are five comedians hungry
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to stoke the fire of this competition
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and commence battle immediately.
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So who am I to stop them?
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I'm the Taskmaster. That's who.
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But I'm also just
a regular nice guy.
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So, here they are.
Your five fearless fighters.
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James Acaster!
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Jessica Knappett!
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Kerry Godliman!
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Phil Wang!
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And Rhod Gilbert!
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[cheers and applause]
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And still very much
keeping the dream alive
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that he might be
a late bloomer...
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[high-pitched]
It's little Alex Horne!
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[cheers and applause]
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I can get on here by myself.
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I can.
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You look a little sheepish tonight.
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I'm not comfortable.
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Yes, you're not comfortable.
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Because you're being punished
for the last episode.
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Can I tell them what you've done?
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No, you can't. They'll find
out soon enough.
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- It's horrible.
- Good.
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Let's start the competition.
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[laughter]
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- Prize task?
- Yep.
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Prize task, OK.
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And kindly suggested by Greg,
in honour of me, you said,
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me, Mr Alex Horne,
today's prize category is
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- the creepiest thing.
- [laughter]
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You're gonna award the
owner of the creepiest thing
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five enormous points, and at
the end of this very show,
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the overall winner will get to take
home all five creepy things.
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Right, James Acaster.
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I imagine you've brought
in a really creepy thing.
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I come from a town called
Kettering in Northamptonshire.
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In Kettering, there is a museum
called the Manor House Museum.
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And the main attraction in
the Manor House Museum
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is a mummified cat.
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Alex, please.
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Here's the mummified cat.
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[everyone gasps]
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[Jess] God!
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Oh my God.
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It is a mummified cat that
was found in a wall
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in a building in Kettering.
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In the past, it was good luck
to keep a cat in the walls.
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A live one?
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Actually, that wasn't specified.
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[laughter]
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A really strong start.
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- It's creepy, and...
- Creepy.
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and it's the first thing ever that's
made me want to visit Kettering.
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Kerry, what's the creepy thing
you've brought in?
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This is a thing that a man
was wearing on a train
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sat opposite me,
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and he maintained eye contact
with me with four Tube stops.
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- Long time.
- Yeah.
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[Alex] It was this t-shirt here.
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[everyone groans]
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Is it the lack of apostrophe
you object to?
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[laughter and applause]
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- Really creepy.
- Jesus Christ.
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I just can't imagine it ever working.
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- As in, "OK, go on then."
- [Alex laughs]
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"Off we go. Get the stirrups. I'm game!"
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Phil, what creepy thing
did you bring in?
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So, um, my creepiest thing is a...
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finger portrait of myself that
I was given by someone
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who came to one of my shows.
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Here is the painting.
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- [James] Oh.
- It's quite good.
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- [laughter]
- [James] That's amazing, Phil.
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Well, it was in Newcastle,
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which is creepy, oo-ooh.
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What happened to the old castle?
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[laughter and applause]
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I'll give you, it is a good picture,
objectively speaking,
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but it's the idea of him
sitting on his own,
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and just stroking the
contours of my face,
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around the jaw
and over the lips,
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and just going,
"Here you are, Phil."
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It's not very creepy.
I think it's nice.
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- It's a lovely picture.
- Ugh!
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Would you like to see
Jessica Knappett?
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Jessica Knappett.
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It's quite simply my collection
of Victorian Christmas cards.
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Here they are. The Victorian
Christmas cards.
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Doesn't sound creepy.
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[laughter]
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[Greg] These are Christmas cards?
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Yes. Right, so, top left.
Dead robin.
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Uh, frog shagging a beetle.
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♪ Oh, ding dong merrily
on DEAD FROG ♪
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♪ With a DAGGER ♪
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- [Alex] Creepy?
- Pretty creepy stuff.
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Pretty creepy. I mean, it's not a cat
in a wall, I'll give you that.
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No. One left.
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- Oh, no.
- What?
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Every single one of the prize
tasks for this whole series...
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[Rhod] Oh, that.
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It has essentially been a
picture of me looking fat.
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[laughter]
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So given the title "creepiest thing"...
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Well, this is a rare occasion where I'm
not entering that picture of you.
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It's not a picture of me at all?
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It's not a picture of you at all.
It is a short film.
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[laughter]
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[Alex] Would you like
to see the film?
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Ugh, yeah...
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[laughter]
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[laughter and applause]
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- Wow.
- Wow.
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[James] Wow.
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It's actually made me feel dirty.
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I saw you out!
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- [Alex] Did you check?
- No, you didn't.
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Fucking hell.
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The audio on it's quite nice.
There's one point where you go,
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"Pth pth pth pth."
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[laughter]
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- Ready?
- Yes.
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Um, least creepy, I mean...
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It's a perfectly nice picture of Phil.
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- I should have a creepier face.
- [Alex] One point to Phil Wang.
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Just because they're cards and
I could just turn them over,
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I'm gonna give Jess two points.
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[Alex] Two points, OK,
in fourth place.
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I'm gonna jump James up.
I'm gonna give him four points,
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- 'cause that is a creepy cat.
- [Alex] Yes.
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And good luck to Kettering. If that's
the best you've got, Jesus Christ.
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Let's just turn Kettering
into a car park.
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OK. One to Phil, two to Jess,
four to James.
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I mean, without question,
the creepiest thing for me
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is that this idiot has hid in my...
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- [laughter]
- has hid in my wardrobe.
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But a t-shirt that creepy
can't go unpunished.
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I'm gonna give them
five points each.
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Both get five points.
Kerry and Rhod.
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- [cheers and applause]
- [Alex] Fair enough.
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Creeps! What task have
we got next, Alex?
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Well, if you go down to
the woods today...
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Let's see.
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- [Alex] Hello, Rhod.
- Hiya.
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[Alex] Hi, James.
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Eurgh!
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I'm scared!
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- What is this place?
- [Alex] It's a grotto.
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- [Alex] What do you think a grotto is?
- It's where Santa is, isn't it?
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I don't think Santa would come here.
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- Where's the task, Alex?
- It's on its way.
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[laughter]
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Right.
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"Poke something out of the hole
in the roof of this grotto."
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"Least expected thing
poked through wins."
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"You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."
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Poke something out of the hole.
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There won't be a pound
shop nearby, is there?
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Are you on Amazon Prime?
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Haven't got my phone.
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[applause]
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Who are we gonna see first?
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Well, first we're gonna see a man
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who will very soon go
by the nickname...
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J-Caster.
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It's J-Caster. Here we go.
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Poke something through
the hole in the grotto.
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Right. I know what it's gonna be.
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[Alex] OK.
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But these guys have
to stop filming me.
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Do you want me to call
the cameras off?
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All the cameras off.
This is gonna be unexpected.
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[laughter]
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Fun's over!
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Right, I'm ready!
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The cameras are back on, James.
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Filming's back on!
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This is genius.
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Only advice I can give the
Taskmaster for this one...
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Expect the unexpected, babay.
Can you tell him that?
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You want me to tell him to
expect the unexpected?
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"Babay."
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[James] OK, here it comes!
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[laughter]
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[applause]
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[James] ♪ Pants on a stick, oh-oh ♪
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♪ Pants on a stick ♪
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Do you get extra points
for a song?
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Nope.
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Well, that was a waste of time.
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[applause]
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I wasn't expecting that beautiful song.
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I'll be honest, as soon as I was
holding my pants on a stick,
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- I genuinely went crazy.
- [Alex] Yeah.
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Do you wanna give us a bit more
of "Pants on a Stick"?
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♪ Pants on a stiiick ♪
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00:09:16,570 --> 00:09:18,680
♪ Waving from side to side ♪
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♪ My pants on a stick ♪
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00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:22,870
♪ Whose pants? My pants?
Your pants? No, no ♪
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[Alex] Nice song.
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[cheers and applause]
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00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:29,170
Well, good. We're off to a start.
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- OK.
- Who's next?
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00:09:30,620 --> 00:09:33,440
We're now gonna see a
Godliman-Wang combo, at last.
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00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,720
Kerry and Phil.
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00:09:40,170 --> 00:09:41,430
OK, that's...
215
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If I can get something on the end
of that stick, we're in business.
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Everything here is expected.
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It's nature, innit?
It's all... you know.
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There isn't gonna be a
hamburger or something.
219
00:10:06,350 --> 00:10:08,265
[laughter]
220
00:10:08,265 --> 00:10:09,360
Right.
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00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:15,940
Right. You ready?
222
00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:19,015
Oh!
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00:10:19,215 --> 00:10:21,630
OK, Alex. Here it comes.
224
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,020
- Can you see that?
- Yeah, I can see it.
225
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,480
[Phil] What do you reckon?
226
00:10:33,930 --> 00:10:35,275
I'm worried about you.
227
00:10:35,475 --> 00:10:37,295
[laughter]
228
00:10:37,295 --> 00:10:38,980
- Thank you, Kerry.
- OK.
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00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,210
I- I might need help
with the zip, Alex.
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00:10:45,730 --> 00:10:46,985
Sure, yeah.
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[laughter]
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00:10:49,730 --> 00:10:50,750
OK.
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00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,640
- Thank you.
- Goodbye.
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00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,350
Thank you. Bye, Alex.
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[applause]
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00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:58,860
You're right, I was not expecting
237
00:10:58,860 --> 00:11:00,660
to see your bra on the
end of a beanpole.
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00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,860
Pleased with yourself?
239
00:11:02,530 --> 00:11:03,530
Yeah.
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00:11:04,420 --> 00:11:06,510
Kerry's was the only one,
I didn't know what was going on.
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00:11:06,510 --> 00:11:07,950
So I was genuinely surprised
242
00:11:07,950 --> 00:11:09,310
- when a bra came up--
- Why?
243
00:11:09,310 --> 00:11:11,280
Because, well, she went
into the woods,
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00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:13,640
hid in a bush and took her bra off,
and then came back.
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00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,170
- Whereas the other two--
- They did it on camera.
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00:11:15,170 --> 00:11:16,860
I'm quite glad I didn't
do it on camera.
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00:11:16,860 --> 00:11:17,620
Yeah.
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00:11:17,620 --> 00:11:19,880
- Like I went away privately.
- [Greg] You've got a bit of class.
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00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,700
Yeah, classy little...
250
00:11:22,730 --> 00:11:25,420
I didn't think Alex had a live feed,
like a pervert.
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00:11:25,420 --> 00:11:27,875
Well, there was a big
hole in the roof.
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00:11:27,875 --> 00:11:32,295
[laughter and applause]
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00:11:32,295 --> 00:11:36,350
I was not wholly surprised
by your approach, Phil,
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00:11:36,350 --> 00:11:38,330
because I have decided that
255
00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:40,040
the only reason you've
come into this series
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00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:43,305
is to show as much of your
genitals as you possibly can.
257
00:11:43,305 --> 00:11:45,330
We had a very tender moment
when I zipped you up.
258
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,440
- Ooh, lovely.
- I blew on his neck.
259
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:48,610
Yeah?
260
00:11:48,610 --> 00:11:50,900
- [Greg] Aww.
- Creepy.
261
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,170
- Why don't you...?
- What?
262
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:55,330
Why don't you go over
and relive old times,
263
00:11:55,330 --> 00:11:57,350
- have a little hug with Phil?
- Can I?
264
00:11:57,350 --> 00:12:00,020
You say I don't give you
moments to yourself.
265
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:02,060
Go and give Phil a hug and
remember it, if you like.
266
00:12:02,060 --> 00:12:03,850
Oh, thanks, mate!
267
00:12:04,570 --> 00:12:05,665
Sit down!
268
00:12:05,665 --> 00:12:11,230
[laughter and applause]
269
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:17,140
I told you! You do things
when I tell you!
270
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:21,170
[laughter]
271
00:12:21,170 --> 00:12:23,620
That's it. Enough. I've had
enough of part one.
272
00:12:23,620 --> 00:12:24,880
I can't stand it any more.
273
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:26,440
Come back when you're part two,
274
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,210
or don't come back at all!
275
00:12:38,170 --> 00:12:39,680
Hi, everyone. Hello.
276
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,240
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
277
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:43,770
where I'm going to instantly
palm you off on Alex Horne,
278
00:12:43,770 --> 00:12:45,660
so that he can deal
with the detail.
279
00:12:45,660 --> 00:12:47,330
Thank you, Greg.
Detail is my middle name,
280
00:12:47,330 --> 00:12:48,970
and my closest friend.
281
00:12:48,970 --> 00:12:51,570
Before the break, our
competitors were challenged
282
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:54,730
to the stick the most unexpected
thing through a hole in a grotto's roof.
283
00:12:54,730 --> 00:12:57,480
Last up are Rhod and Jess.
284
00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,360
Gilbert and Knappett.
It's poking time again.
285
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,660
I'm gonna go and try and find
something more unexpected.
286
00:13:03,660 --> 00:13:05,360
Let's just see.
287
00:13:08,350 --> 00:13:10,675
[he grunts]
288
00:13:10,675 --> 00:13:12,740
Got that down there,
don't know what to do with it.
289
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,150
It's a nice grotto,
isn't it, Alex?
290
00:13:17,150 --> 00:13:18,150
Thank you.
291
00:13:22,330 --> 00:13:24,850
OK, can you come down and
join me in the grotto, please?
292
00:13:24,850 --> 00:13:25,850
[Alex] OK.
293
00:13:25,850 --> 00:13:27,940
- Can you see that?
- Yes.
294
00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:30,020
The position you'll be adopting
is if you lean forward...
295
00:13:30,020 --> 00:13:32,965
So there, that's it. You can sit
back into the ladder a little.
296
00:13:32,965 --> 00:13:35,130
I think this is gonna
be quite good.
297
00:13:35,130 --> 00:13:36,750
So you undo your belt...
298
00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:39,250
and then just pop
your trousers down.
299
00:13:39,250 --> 00:13:41,040
I might need you to pull
the trousers down,
300
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,370
so I can hold on to something.
301
00:13:42,370 --> 00:13:43,905
I've heard that before.
302
00:13:43,905 --> 00:13:45,730
You can't pull your own
trousers down?
303
00:13:45,730 --> 00:13:49,880
[Jess] Unexpected item
appearing now!
304
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:51,820
Look!
305
00:13:51,820 --> 00:13:54,370
It's... [she laughs]
306
00:13:54,370 --> 00:13:57,580
- It's on fire, Jess.
- It's a fire!
307
00:13:57,580 --> 00:13:59,360
Please don't set fire to the tree.
308
00:14:01,020 --> 00:14:03,570
Some classical music would be nice.
309
00:14:03,570 --> 00:14:06,910
- [Rhod] OK, what would you like?
- [Alex] Vivaldi?
310
00:14:06,910 --> 00:14:09,530
OK, bend right down.
Head right down, Alex, please.
311
00:14:09,530 --> 00:14:12,400
- I don't wanna open up.
- [Rhod laughs] OK.
312
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,570
- You've got 30 seconds, Rhod.
- OK.
313
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:16,280
Oh!
314
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:24,270
- [laughter and applause]
- [Vivaldi's "Gloria" plays]
315
00:14:25,110 --> 00:14:26,230
Ugh!
316
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,550
- Hmm.
- OK, I've run out of water.
317
00:14:32,550 --> 00:14:36,975
So that is the water feature
closed for today, kids.
318
00:14:36,975 --> 00:14:37,975
[blows whistle]
319
00:14:37,975 --> 00:14:40,075
- That's your time up, Rhod.
- OK.
320
00:14:40,075 --> 00:14:43,080
[cheers and applause]
321
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,710
Everyone's... wow, Rhod.
322
00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:48,150
I mean, I feel sorry for Jess,
323
00:14:48,150 --> 00:14:51,110
because I genuinely wasn't
expecting fire to come out of the hole.
324
00:14:51,110 --> 00:14:52,885
- Yeah.
- And then...
325
00:14:53,085 --> 00:14:55,455
[laughter]
326
00:14:55,455 --> 00:15:00,130
Well, you can't compete with
Alex's arse, can you?
327
00:15:00,130 --> 00:15:02,680
- It's been said before.
- It wasn't just Alex's arse, was it?
328
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,675
As grotesque and
unexpected as that was.
329
00:15:05,675 --> 00:15:08,600
But it's also the fact
that he then said,
330
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,795
"That's the water featured closed, kids."
331
00:15:11,795 --> 00:15:16,085
[laughter]
332
00:15:16,085 --> 00:15:17,885
That was unexpected.
333
00:15:17,885 --> 00:15:19,640
- Well, you know...
- Do you wanna judge it?
334
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:21,050
- Yeah, I'm gonna judge it.
- OK.
335
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:23,625
I'm gonna give two points,
straight in at two,
336
00:15:23,625 --> 00:15:26,840
to Kerry, James and Phil,
'cause I think I kind of guessed
337
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,420
there was gonna be an
item of clothing
338
00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:30,000
coming through the
roof of the grotto.
339
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,930
OK, so the bra, pants and yellow
jumpsuit all get two points.
340
00:15:32,930 --> 00:15:34,025
- Correct.
- OK.
341
00:15:34,025 --> 00:15:36,660
Jess, the element of fire,
I wasn't expecting.
342
00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:38,280
- Great.
- Four points.
343
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,260
Second place, Jess Knappett.
344
00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:46,120
And five points, and up to £20,000
of my own money for counselling,
345
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,510
Rhod Gilbert!
346
00:15:47,510 --> 00:15:50,440
- [cheers and applause]
- [Alex] Rhod wins the task. OK.
347
00:15:51,460 --> 00:15:53,350
OK, I've got the scores.
348
00:15:53,350 --> 00:15:55,100
The series scores are very exciting.
349
00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:57,485
We have Phil Wang on 103.
350
00:15:57,485 --> 00:15:59,910
[everyone gasps]
351
00:15:59,910 --> 00:16:01,020
[Alex] Oooh, yeah.
352
00:16:01,020 --> 00:16:03,130
Certainly sounds
impressive in isolation.
353
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:03,930
Yeah.
354
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:07,230
In second-last, it's James on 122.
355
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:10,080
But then, it's all changed.
356
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:12,480
Kerry's on 131, Jess is on 133,
357
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:15,310
Rhod's on 134. Three points!
358
00:16:15,310 --> 00:16:17,110
- [applause]
- Whoa!
359
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:19,040
That's the first time I've
been in the lead all series.
360
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,440
[Alex] Yes, it is. All change.
361
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,600
OK, I have a scoreboard
for this episode.
362
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,000
Phil is in last with three,
363
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,680
James and Jess both on six,
Kerry on seven,
364
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,755
but Rhod's in the lead
with ten points!
365
00:16:27,755 --> 00:16:30,750
[cheers and applause]
366
00:16:30,750 --> 00:16:33,085
More, please, little Alex Horne.
367
00:16:33,085 --> 00:16:36,900
Well, this one is a puzzling riddle
of a treasure hunt of a task.
368
00:16:49,350 --> 00:16:51,085
- [Alex] Oh.
- Oh, hi.
369
00:16:51,085 --> 00:16:52,485
Hi, Alex.
370
00:16:52,485 --> 00:16:54,540
- Oh.
- [Alex] Oh?
371
00:16:54,540 --> 00:16:56,400
- [Alex] So here we are.
- Here we are.
372
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,470
Why is there not a task here?
373
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:01,865
Is it in this room?
374
00:17:01,865 --> 00:17:03,810
[Alex] Yeah, it's not hidden.
375
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,705
Well, it's not...
376
00:17:06,705 --> 00:17:09,520
- It's not not hidden, is it?
- No, but it's not hidden.
377
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,280
[Alex] Hi, James.
378
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:18,130
[Alex] The task is somewhere.
379
00:17:18,130 --> 00:17:19,240
Right.
380
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:22,440
Heyyy! [she laughs]
381
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,050
- [Alex] You're colder now.
- Colder now?
382
00:17:25,050 --> 00:17:27,240
[laughter]
383
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,560
- Warmer, warmer.
- Warmer?
384
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,120
Ah!
385
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:37,240
- Carefully, so I don't pull this down.
- Little tug-- Oh.
386
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:40,160
[laughter]
387
00:17:43,310 --> 00:17:44,320
"C."
388
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,860
"C. Your time starts now."
389
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:51,960
"Now look in the microwave."
390
00:17:52,910 --> 00:17:54,170
What?
391
00:17:54,170 --> 00:17:57,930
[applause]
392
00:17:57,930 --> 00:18:00,060
Come on, let's just crack
straight into it.
393
00:18:00,060 --> 00:18:01,480
OK, let's start with the ladies.
394
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,320
But which two ladies?
395
00:18:04,660 --> 00:18:06,070
[Jess] Where's the microwave?
396
00:18:08,060 --> 00:18:09,675
Where's the microwave?
397
00:18:09,675 --> 00:18:10,830
[Kerry] C.
398
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,740
There!
399
00:18:21,710 --> 00:18:25,500
"R. Now look in your pigeonhole."
400
00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:30,440
"E."
401
00:18:30,615 --> 00:18:31,660
"E."
402
00:18:31,660 --> 00:18:34,770
"Now look under the door mat."
403
00:18:34,770 --> 00:18:36,130
C-R-E.
404
00:18:36,130 --> 00:18:38,830
- Where's the door mat?
- [Alex] Probably near a door.
405
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:42,840
Oh, yeah.
406
00:18:44,060 --> 00:18:46,270
"A. Now look in the lab."
407
00:18:50,620 --> 00:18:54,540
"M. Now look in the
little blue book."
408
00:18:54,540 --> 00:18:56,300
What little blue book?
409
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:58,285
What little blue book?
410
00:18:58,285 --> 00:19:00,485
What little blue book, Alex?
411
00:19:00,485 --> 00:19:02,395
Is there a little blue
box in here?
412
00:19:02,395 --> 00:19:04,970
- What are you looking for?
- A little blue box.
413
00:19:04,970 --> 00:19:06,795
Where's the little blue book?
414
00:19:06,795 --> 00:19:09,785
- You OK, Kerry?
- No, I'm stressing out.
415
00:19:09,785 --> 00:19:13,320
Right, OK, so there's a little blue
box somewhere in this house.
416
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,930
"Now look..."
417
00:19:14,930 --> 00:19:17,950
- [she laughs]
- [laughter]
418
00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:19,360
What?!
419
00:19:20,930 --> 00:19:22,650
Can't read.
420
00:19:22,650 --> 00:19:25,315
"Now look in the little blue book."
421
00:19:25,315 --> 00:19:28,220
Not box. Book!
422
00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:29,785
It says "book"!
423
00:19:29,785 --> 00:19:31,950
Ooh, this is-- Ah!
424
00:19:31,950 --> 00:19:34,650
Eyyy, that's clever, isn't it?
425
00:19:36,110 --> 00:19:38,855
Love that. Ah, a tiny one!
426
00:19:38,855 --> 00:19:41,710
"S at the beginning.
Fastest wins."
427
00:19:41,710 --> 00:19:42,710
What?
428
00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:46,670
"S... at the beginning..."
429
00:19:46,670 --> 00:19:48,175
"Creams."
430
00:19:48,175 --> 00:19:50,210
- [laughter]
- At the beginning.
431
00:19:52,330 --> 00:19:53,620
What?
432
00:19:53,620 --> 00:19:55,770
No one says that, do they? Creams.
433
00:19:55,770 --> 00:19:56,830
[Alex] No.
434
00:19:58,240 --> 00:19:59,310
"Scream"!
435
00:19:59,310 --> 00:20:01,020
[she screams]
436
00:20:01,020 --> 00:20:04,195
[laughter and applause]
437
00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:05,750
Creams at the beginning.
438
00:20:05,750 --> 00:20:08,400
Creams at the beginning.
Is it like a...?
439
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,860
The... situation where people
have creams at the beginning?
440
00:20:11,860 --> 00:20:13,120
"S."
441
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,495
OH!
442
00:20:15,495 --> 00:20:17,680
[she screams]
443
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,550
[applause]
444
00:20:20,550 --> 00:20:23,040
I mean, it's an incredible question.
445
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:26,330
"Ah, this must be a situation where
people have creams in the beginning."
446
00:20:26,330 --> 00:20:28,370
[laughter]
447
00:20:28,370 --> 00:20:30,060
Powerful screams, thuogh.
448
00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:32,770
Oh, excellent screams,
and it wasn't that slow.
449
00:20:32,770 --> 00:20:34,570
They both took five
minutes something.
450
00:20:34,570 --> 00:20:38,130
I think if Kerry had realised the
door mat was near the door--
451
00:20:38,130 --> 00:20:39,480
- [laughter]
- Oh, hang on.
452
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,020
Is that worse than confusing
"book" with a "box"?
453
00:20:42,020 --> 00:20:45,300
No. Oh, no. You were both
absolutely shit.
454
00:20:46,510 --> 00:20:49,630
Kerry took five minutes
and 47 seconds.
455
00:20:49,630 --> 00:20:51,970
Jess, five minutes
and 31 seconds,
456
00:20:51,970 --> 00:20:53,285
so Jess is in the lead
at the moment.
457
00:20:53,285 --> 00:20:54,850
- Wow.
- Yeah.
458
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,760
You didn't spend that long
looking for a box.
459
00:20:57,760 --> 00:20:59,440
The end of part two is nigh.
460
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,580
Correction. The end
of part two is now.
461
00:21:11,260 --> 00:21:12,640
Hello there.
462
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:16,080
And if you've just stumbled across
this show for the first time,
463
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:19,570
it's the third part of the eighth
episode in the seventh series,
464
00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:21,080
and you're very, very welcome.
465
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,570
Yes, you are. Today,
our contestants are playing
466
00:21:23,570 --> 00:21:25,400
for a mummified cat
and offensive t-shirt,
467
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,570
and before the break, there was
a puzzle task taking place.
468
00:21:28,570 --> 00:21:31,440
How will Cambridge University
representative Phil Wang
469
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:35,300
and wise old sage
Rhod Gilbert do?
470
00:21:37,370 --> 00:21:39,900
This was in the microwave.
"Now look in your pigeonhole."
471
00:21:41,370 --> 00:21:43,505
"E. Now look under the door mat."
472
00:21:43,505 --> 00:21:45,670
That's not you, is it? That's
not what Greg calls you?
473
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,910
I'm not going back in the room
to open them any more.
474
00:21:48,910 --> 00:21:50,695
I've realised it's time wasted.
475
00:21:50,995 --> 00:21:53,440
"Now look in the lab."
476
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:54,810
Lab...
477
00:21:56,130 --> 00:21:57,580
Where's the little blue book?
478
00:21:58,820 --> 00:22:00,300
Where's the little blue book?
479
00:22:01,260 --> 00:22:02,640
Little blue book.
480
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,770
There's a little blue book
in here, is there?
481
00:22:04,770 --> 00:22:06,110
Is there?
482
00:22:06,110 --> 00:22:07,810
Those aren't real books.
483
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:10,685
Is it on you?
484
00:22:10,685 --> 00:22:12,610
Why would it be on me?
485
00:22:15,570 --> 00:22:18,120
I will strip-search you if I don't
find this little blue book.
486
00:22:20,770 --> 00:22:21,550
Huh!
487
00:22:21,550 --> 00:22:23,350
Do you wanna tell me
where the book is?
488
00:22:23,350 --> 00:22:25,265
It's where... where the
books normally are.
489
00:22:25,665 --> 00:22:27,075
Ah!
490
00:22:27,275 --> 00:22:28,660
Oh!
491
00:22:28,660 --> 00:22:30,420
[Alex] What does the
task say, Phil?
492
00:22:30,420 --> 00:22:33,625
It says "S" and then in brackets,
"at the beginning."
493
00:22:33,625 --> 00:22:35,140
[Rhod] Oh, God. What
does that mean?
494
00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:36,140
Argh.
495
00:22:36,930 --> 00:22:38,470
Oh, I've thrown them everywhere.
496
00:22:38,470 --> 00:22:39,700
Bollocks.
497
00:22:42,950 --> 00:22:44,320
Oh, "scream"!
498
00:22:45,620 --> 00:22:46,620
Aah!
499
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:47,970
[laughter]
500
00:22:47,970 --> 00:22:49,960
- You want me to scream?
- Yes, please.
501
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,420
[Alex] Was that definitely a scream?
502
00:22:51,420 --> 00:22:54,860
- Aaa-aah! Yeah, I'd say so.
- Thank you. I've stopped the clock.
503
00:22:54,860 --> 00:22:56,675
[he yells]
504
00:22:56,675 --> 00:23:02,295
[laughter and applause]
505
00:23:02,295 --> 00:23:05,480
It seems to me that every task, to you,
506
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:07,760
is an opportunity to get his trousers off.
507
00:23:08,970 --> 00:23:11,260
And you're always wearing
pink underwear.
508
00:23:11,260 --> 00:23:12,970
- Or long johns.
- [Greg] Yeah.
509
00:23:12,970 --> 00:23:15,160
[laughter]
510
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:20,680
[cheers and applause]
511
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:22,195
Dear, dear, dear.
512
00:23:22,195 --> 00:23:25,200
Um, Phil, I think you're
a very controlled man,
513
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:26,395
is what I thought during that.
514
00:23:26,395 --> 00:23:28,710
You saw Rhod scream at the end.
515
00:23:28,710 --> 00:23:30,510
That's a scream of desperation,
516
00:23:30,510 --> 00:23:33,020
and I think I'm gonna give the
opportunity on camera now
517
00:23:33,020 --> 00:23:37,760
to really let a passionate,
wild scream out.
518
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:40,925
[he roars]
519
00:23:40,925 --> 00:23:45,650
[cheers and applause]
520
00:23:46,510 --> 00:23:48,310
- Do you want some times?
- Yes, please.
521
00:23:48,310 --> 00:23:51,585
He took... nine minutes and 55.
522
00:23:51,585 --> 00:23:54,200
- Nine minutes and 55.
- Of course he did.
523
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:55,640
He probably went out
into the garden
524
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,740
and had a sniff of some
flowers at some point.
525
00:23:58,950 --> 00:24:00,570
Rhod took exactly the
same amount of time
526
00:24:00,570 --> 00:24:02,770
it takes me to prepare
your bed in the evening.
527
00:24:02,770 --> 00:24:05,320
Twelve minutes and 51 seconds.
528
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:06,800
You like it so flat.
529
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:08,720
- [applause]
- Very flat.
530
00:24:09,730 --> 00:24:10,930
Just show me a situation
531
00:24:10,930 --> 00:24:12,985
where there's some creams
at the beginning, will you?
532
00:24:12,985 --> 00:24:15,000
Well, it's James Acaster next.
533
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,600
Is he as good at solving riddles
as he is at taking his pants off,
534
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,840
shoving them on a stick and
singing a song about it?
535
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:21,140
Let's find out.
536
00:24:23,310 --> 00:24:26,320
"R. Now look in your pigeonhole."
537
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,560
"E. Now look under the doormat."
538
00:24:35,930 --> 00:24:38,410
"A. Now look in the lab."
539
00:24:42,330 --> 00:24:45,580
"M. Now look in the
little blue book."
540
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:52,940
"S." Creams.
541
00:24:52,940 --> 00:24:55,340
"At the--" Oh, at the beginning.
542
00:24:55,540 --> 00:24:56,950
[he screams]
543
00:24:57,050 --> 00:25:01,075
[laughter and applause]
544
00:25:01,075 --> 00:25:03,800
I feel like that whole thing
was in real time.
545
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,440
- That's the fastest ever...
- It was, pretty much.
546
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:08,650
He'd already spotted the blue
book during another task.
547
00:25:08,650 --> 00:25:10,530
He'd always been aware
of the surroundings.
548
00:25:10,530 --> 00:25:13,020
I think you know the show more
than I know the show.
549
00:25:13,020 --> 00:25:14,740
I love it. I'm a big fan.
550
00:25:14,740 --> 00:25:16,285
That was a dream come true.
551
00:25:16,485 --> 00:25:19,080
[laughter and applause]
552
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:21,830
The time was three minutes 48.
553
00:25:21,830 --> 00:25:23,220
Wow.
554
00:25:23,220 --> 00:25:25,750
So the points are,
one point to Rhod,
555
00:25:25,750 --> 00:25:27,180
two to Phil, three to Kerry,
556
00:25:27,180 --> 00:25:29,630
four to Jess with her
five minutes 31,
557
00:25:29,630 --> 00:25:33,265
and five points to James Acaster,
who wins the task.
558
00:25:33,265 --> 00:25:35,800
[applause]
559
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,210
So with that...
560
00:25:37,210 --> 00:25:39,660
With that, Jess has
re-taken the series lead.
561
00:25:39,660 --> 00:25:42,280
It's going hither and thither
at this moment.
562
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:44,950
I feel like you're ready to hit
us with another task.
563
00:25:44,950 --> 00:25:47,875
Oh, I am, and I'm glad I look ready,
because I am ready.
564
00:25:47,875 --> 00:25:49,480
And for this one, the contestants really
565
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:52,085
had to learn to compose themselves.
566
00:25:52,085 --> 00:25:55,810
[tuneless strumming]
567
00:26:05,130 --> 00:26:06,130
Ah!
568
00:26:06,950 --> 00:26:07,895
Hi!
569
00:26:07,895 --> 00:26:08,860
Hi, Alex.
570
00:26:08,860 --> 00:26:09,925
Oh!
571
00:26:09,925 --> 00:26:11,560
[Alex] Hello, Rhod.
572
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:12,580
Alright?
573
00:26:13,220 --> 00:26:14,100
Hello.
574
00:26:14,100 --> 00:26:15,220
- Hiya.
- Alright?
575
00:26:15,220 --> 00:26:16,430
[Alex] Hello, James.
576
00:26:18,370 --> 00:26:22,060
"Compose the best 30-second
piece of music."
577
00:26:22,060 --> 00:26:23,480
- The best?
- Yes, please.
578
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:24,950
Oh, yes.
579
00:26:24,950 --> 00:26:26,950
Played into my hands here,
mate. Fuck you.
580
00:26:26,950 --> 00:26:28,460
[laughter]
581
00:26:28,460 --> 00:26:31,000
"You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."
582
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,020
Oh my God.
583
00:26:33,020 --> 00:26:35,620
Can you play all of
these instruments?
584
00:26:35,620 --> 00:26:37,930
We can play a mix of them.
585
00:26:37,930 --> 00:26:40,575
I'm a percussionist myself.
586
00:26:40,575 --> 00:26:42,280
[Alex] If you're looking for sticks--
587
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:43,570
- No, they're fine.
- Oh, OK.
588
00:26:43,570 --> 00:26:44,770
You're not a musician, mate.
589
00:26:44,770 --> 00:26:46,880
- [laughter]
- What's that guy?
590
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:48,950
- It's a melodica.
- Oh, let's have a go at that.
591
00:26:48,950 --> 00:26:51,310
[jaunty tune]
592
00:26:51,310 --> 00:26:52,660
Well, that's staying.
593
00:26:52,660 --> 00:26:53,995
[they laugh]
594
00:26:54,195 --> 00:26:56,875
[applause]
595
00:26:56,875 --> 00:26:59,040
Uh, another one of your
catchphrases coming out there.
596
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:00,370
- "Fuck you."
- Yep.
597
00:27:00,370 --> 00:27:02,060
Some of the others you've used
throughout the series...
598
00:27:02,060 --> 00:27:03,280
"Fuck you." "Babay."
599
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:04,740
"I'm punk." "Suck it."
600
00:27:04,740 --> 00:27:06,230
Just so you know.
601
00:27:06,230 --> 00:27:07,985
Let's see...
602
00:27:07,985 --> 00:27:10,615
if there's a little bit more decorum
when you write music.
603
00:27:10,615 --> 00:27:11,910
Who shall we see first?
604
00:27:11,910 --> 00:27:14,350
Well, just to say, the musicians
would only do what they were told,
605
00:27:14,350 --> 00:27:16,360
and we're gonna see
James and Jess,
606
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:18,470
and Kerry and Phil.
607
00:27:19,370 --> 00:27:22,040
And Rhod. All creating their pieces.
608
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:24,215
- This is them composing.
- Lovely.
609
00:27:24,215 --> 00:27:26,600
What sort of rhythm are we after?
610
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:29,605
Um, well, you reckon you
guys can just vamp...
611
00:27:29,605 --> 00:27:31,730
a 12-bar blues structure for a bit,
612
00:27:31,730 --> 00:27:33,770
and I'll try and think of a drum...
613
00:27:33,770 --> 00:27:35,215
We're in the key of E minor.
614
00:27:35,215 --> 00:27:38,265
So it's melancholy.
We're in Eastern Europe.
615
00:27:38,265 --> 00:27:40,675
[melancholy drone]
616
00:27:40,675 --> 00:27:42,010
Do the Hendrix chord.
617
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:44,375
Right, here we go.
618
00:27:44,375 --> 00:27:45,960
Here we go!
619
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,320
Oh, yeah. OK. So let's just jam.
620
00:27:50,330 --> 00:27:52,150
You might need to give us
a bit more instruction.
621
00:27:52,150 --> 00:27:53,110
Oh, really?
622
00:27:53,110 --> 00:27:55,630
- [drone continues]
- A little match girl has arrived...
623
00:27:55,630 --> 00:27:56,950
at a house.
624
00:27:56,950 --> 00:27:58,920
- A little what?
- Match girl.
625
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,020
Play a bit of music that
sounds like this.
626
00:28:01,020 --> 00:28:03,605
♪ Do-do-do do dooo ♪
627
00:28:03,605 --> 00:28:06,430
[elegant violin]
628
00:28:06,430 --> 00:28:09,470
[imitates rock guitar]
629
00:28:11,130 --> 00:28:13,200
But I've got to go,
♪ diddly-do ♪
630
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,710
and then you go, ♪ diddly-do ♪
631
00:28:15,710 --> 00:28:16,960
There we are.
632
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:19,200
- Now let's hear the matches.
- The matches?
633
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:22,230
Yeah, she'd shake the box, probably,
just to demonstrate her wares.
634
00:28:22,230 --> 00:28:24,100
What the fuck was that?
635
00:28:25,060 --> 00:28:26,530
♪ Do do do, do do do ♪
636
00:28:26,530 --> 00:28:28,200
♪ Do do do do do ♪
637
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:29,870
♪ Ba, duh-duh ♪
638
00:28:29,870 --> 00:28:31,040
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
639
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:32,440
♪ Da-da-da da-da-da ♪
640
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:34,420
♪ Dadadadadada ♪ OK?
641
00:28:34,420 --> 00:28:37,905
♪ Boop-oop-oop-adippy
dingy-ding-ding ♪
642
00:28:37,905 --> 00:28:41,170
♪ Boop-oop-oop-adippy
dingy-ding-ding ♪
643
00:28:41,170 --> 00:28:42,510
♪ Bu-bu-bu-bup ♪
644
00:28:42,510 --> 00:28:44,280
[she coughs]
645
00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:48,200
♪ Duh duh duh, duh duh duh ♪
646
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:49,840
[trumpet toots]
647
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:51,280
That's pretty good!
648
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:53,485
I don't think I'm adding
anything with this.
649
00:28:53,485 --> 00:28:54,560
I like it.
650
00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:55,860
- Do you?
- Yeah.
651
00:28:56,770 --> 00:28:58,510
OK, you're right.
652
00:28:58,510 --> 00:28:59,895
It's my band anyway.
653
00:28:59,895 --> 00:29:02,800
[applause]
654
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:04,840
- Bit of a...
- I quite fancied him.
655
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:05,930
Yeah, yeah.
656
00:29:05,930 --> 00:29:08,440
I hope you'll take this in the
spirit that it's intended, Jess,
657
00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:10,150
but sometimes, watching
you is like watching
658
00:29:10,150 --> 00:29:11,920
an episode of Sesame Street.
659
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:13,170
[laughter]
660
00:29:13,170 --> 00:29:14,760
"I'm writing a song!"
661
00:29:15,950 --> 00:29:18,120
That's really who I am.
662
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,480
I don't know why you're
laughing, Kerry.
663
00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:23,015
- What?
- Fucking diddly-do.
664
00:29:23,015 --> 00:29:26,150
I mean, I cannot tell you
how excited I am
665
00:29:26,150 --> 00:29:28,130
to hear these pieces of music.
666
00:29:28,130 --> 00:29:29,180
OK, well, let's do it.
667
00:29:29,180 --> 00:29:31,720
The first movement
we're gonna hear today
668
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,250
is by Philip Wang.
669
00:29:34,250 --> 00:29:37,110
We're Kill Phil with "The Yellow Blues".
670
00:29:37,110 --> 00:29:38,910
One, two, three, four!
671
00:29:38,910 --> 00:29:41,530
[bluesy strumming]
672
00:29:41,530 --> 00:29:42,485
[trumpet toots]
673
00:29:42,485 --> 00:29:45,040
[strumming continues]
674
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:46,075
[trumpet toots]
675
00:29:46,075 --> 00:29:48,480
[strumming continues]
676
00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:49,370
[trumpet toots]
677
00:29:49,370 --> 00:29:51,930
[strumming continues]
678
00:29:51,930 --> 00:29:52,660
[trumpet toots]
679
00:29:52,660 --> 00:29:56,360
[bluesy violin solo]
680
00:29:58,950 --> 00:30:03,700
[long trumpet drone]
681
00:30:03,700 --> 00:30:05,485
A-ha, yeah!
682
00:30:05,785 --> 00:30:08,640
[applause]
683
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:12,565
Did you essentially get some talented
musicians to play 12-bar blues?
684
00:30:12,565 --> 00:30:14,950
Uh, with a tune that I made up!
685
00:30:14,950 --> 00:30:16,730
Did you-- Did you hear
the trumpet solo?
686
00:30:16,730 --> 00:30:17,970
I heard the trumpet solo.
687
00:30:17,970 --> 00:30:19,820
[laughter]
688
00:30:19,820 --> 00:30:22,750
It sounded like one of the band
had his mum turn up outside
689
00:30:22,750 --> 00:30:25,085
and she was honking her
horn occasionally.
690
00:30:25,085 --> 00:30:27,160
Yeah, like, how the blues was born.
691
00:30:28,220 --> 00:30:30,170
I was told that you play the trumpet.
692
00:30:30,170 --> 00:30:32,560
I played the trumpet...
693
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:34,040
in that clip.
694
00:30:34,340 --> 00:30:37,110
[laughter]
695
00:30:37,110 --> 00:30:40,600
OK, we are off to an
absolutely terrible start.
696
00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:41,875
What?!
697
00:30:41,875 --> 00:30:44,260
Let's see another wonderful
piece of music.
698
00:30:44,260 --> 00:30:46,230
Would you like to see the
lady sitting next to Phil?
699
00:30:46,230 --> 00:30:49,110
- Yes.
- Yes? OK, this is Kerry's effort.
700
00:30:49,110 --> 00:30:50,500
[Greg] The masterclass.
701
00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:53,880
Here's my band,
Hokey Cokey Goodtimes,
702
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:56,675
and it's called "Having a
Great Time Any Time."
703
00:30:56,675 --> 00:30:58,920
[Kerry] One, two, three, four!
704
00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:04,140
[mellow folky tune begins]
705
00:31:28,910 --> 00:31:31,905
[applause]
706
00:31:31,905 --> 00:31:34,060
I felt like a parent watching it.
707
00:31:34,060 --> 00:31:36,785
Proud? Proud or ashamed?
708
00:31:36,785 --> 00:31:39,040
[Greg sighs]
709
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:42,195
I had to rush from the meeting
for this. Oh, my God.
710
00:31:42,195 --> 00:31:44,985
It was very good, darling!
711
00:31:44,985 --> 00:31:48,530
- [Greg] It was catchy.
- It was a nice little tune,
712
00:31:48,530 --> 00:31:51,910
and it wasn't like a
standard blues riff.
713
00:31:51,910 --> 00:31:53,850
I mean, I composed it
from scratch.
714
00:31:53,850 --> 00:31:54,960
No way.
715
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:57,500
[laughter]
716
00:31:58,660 --> 00:31:59,865
It was...
717
00:31:59,865 --> 00:32:00,940
[Kerry] Brilliant.
718
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:02,460
Really good.
719
00:32:02,460 --> 00:32:04,310
You know, it was vaguely engaging.
720
00:32:04,310 --> 00:32:05,420
Who's next?
721
00:32:05,420 --> 00:32:06,620
OK, we're gonna see someone
722
00:32:06,620 --> 00:32:08,530
who has genuinely
been in these bands.
723
00:32:08,530 --> 00:32:12,020
Pindrop, Three Line Whip, The New
Hardcore Skiffle Movement,
724
00:32:12,020 --> 00:32:14,200
The Capri-Sun Quartet and
The Wow! Scenario.
725
00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:16,800
Yes, it's James Acaster.
726
00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:19,130
[cheers and applause]
727
00:32:19,130 --> 00:32:22,180
We're Clump Stump and this song
is called "Over My Shoulder."
728
00:32:25,260 --> 00:32:27,570
- [they play rapidly]
- ♪ Over my shoulder ♪
729
00:32:27,570 --> 00:32:29,310
♪ Older and older ♪
730
00:32:29,310 --> 00:32:31,250
♪ That's what I told ya ♪
731
00:32:32,750 --> 00:32:34,370
♪ Over my shoulder ♪
732
00:32:34,370 --> 00:32:36,020
♪ I'm getting colder ♪
733
00:32:36,020 --> 00:32:37,670
♪ Is that a boulder? ♪
734
00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:43,100
[dramatic beats]
735
00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:45,240
♪ Over my shoulder ♪
736
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:46,930
♪ Older and older ♪
737
00:32:46,930 --> 00:32:48,650
♪ That's what I told ya! ♪
738
00:32:50,660 --> 00:32:55,210
[cheers and applause]
739
00:32:57,170 --> 00:32:59,110
Can we dig down into
what the lyrics are about?
740
00:32:59,110 --> 00:33:00,930
'Cause I know what the
spirit of punk is all about.
741
00:33:00,930 --> 00:33:03,310
- [James] Yeah.
- Not conforming, not fitting in,
742
00:33:03,310 --> 00:33:05,865
not being told what to do
by the man upstairs.
743
00:33:05,865 --> 00:33:07,860
You've got to look over your
shoulder your whole life.
744
00:33:07,860 --> 00:33:08,600
[Greg] Yeah.
745
00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:10,360
'Cause you never know who's
sneaking up on ya.
746
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:12,060
- Yeah.
- You can't trust no one.
747
00:33:12,060 --> 00:33:15,305
And that's why I sing, "Over my
shoulder, older and older."
748
00:33:15,305 --> 00:33:16,920
"That's what I told ya."
749
00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:19,820
Then you started getting...
You said, "I'm getting colder."
750
00:33:19,820 --> 00:33:21,510
- Getting colder.
- "I'm getting colder."
751
00:33:21,510 --> 00:33:23,170
And then you wondered if
something was a boulder or not.
752
00:33:23,170 --> 00:33:24,410
"Is that a boulder?"
753
00:33:24,410 --> 00:33:25,240
Yeah.
754
00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:27,660
"Is that a boulder?"
That's a metaphor for what?
755
00:33:27,660 --> 00:33:29,840
- Like, is that a boulder?
- [Greg] Yeah?
756
00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:31,770
Or is it a big rock?
757
00:33:32,070 --> 00:33:34,770
[laughter]
758
00:33:34,770 --> 00:33:37,800
Right, it's the advertisers'
turn for some airtime now,
759
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:39,860
but more music coming
up in part four,
760
00:33:39,860 --> 00:33:43,350
plus, who will win Jessica Knappett's
Victorian Christmas cards?
761
00:33:43,350 --> 00:33:45,830
It's nail-biting
entertainment television.
762
00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:59,730
Welcome, welcome. It's the
final part of the show,
763
00:33:59,730 --> 00:34:02,460
and we're in the middle of
a toe-tapping musical task.
764
00:34:02,460 --> 00:34:03,350
Indeed we are, Greg.
765
00:34:03,350 --> 00:34:05,220
Armed with three talented musicians -
766
00:34:05,220 --> 00:34:07,040
Kieran Towers, George Boomsma,
767
00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:09,040
and of course, yes,
it was Dan Edwards -
768
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:13,395
the contestants are trying to compose
the best 30-second piece of music.
769
00:34:13,395 --> 00:34:15,595
Next up, it's Jess.
770
00:34:15,595 --> 00:34:17,575
Hi. We're The Easy Triangles.
771
00:34:17,575 --> 00:34:20,985
This is our new hit single,
"Here I Am - I'm a Violin."
772
00:34:20,985 --> 00:34:24,650
[upbeat folky tune begins]
773
00:34:44,460 --> 00:34:46,350
[triangle tings]
774
00:34:46,750 --> 00:34:53,100
[laughter and applause]
775
00:34:54,220 --> 00:34:56,710
- It strikes me that that jig...
- Mm-hm?
776
00:34:56,710 --> 00:34:58,360
- Would you call it a jig?
- Sure.
777
00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:00,760
That jig is missing only one thing.
778
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:01,680
A jig.
779
00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:03,930
Someone to perform
a lovely dance to it.
780
00:35:03,930 --> 00:35:07,850
[they chant] Jig! Jig! Jig!
781
00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:11,115
Do you want me to conduct?
782
00:35:11,115 --> 00:35:13,065
Yes. Yes, please.
783
00:35:13,065 --> 00:35:15,310
One, two, three, now!
784
00:35:15,310 --> 00:35:18,070
[upbeat folky tune plays]
785
00:35:20,860 --> 00:35:24,630
[audience claps in time]
786
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:28,900
Freestyle!
787
00:35:38,310 --> 00:35:42,450
[cheers and applause]
788
00:35:44,970 --> 00:35:47,170
Sorry, Jess. I feel like we've taken
789
00:35:47,170 --> 00:35:49,185
the spotlight away from
your wonderful song.
790
00:35:49,185 --> 00:35:52,885
No, please. All I ever wanted was
for the people to dance.
791
00:35:52,885 --> 00:35:55,860
[laughter]
792
00:35:55,860 --> 00:35:57,680
So, uh, Rhod Gilbert.
793
00:35:57,680 --> 00:35:59,710
[Alex] Here is Rhodri's tune.
794
00:35:59,710 --> 00:36:02,840
This is "The Ballad of the
Toothless Goon,"
795
00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:04,840
performed by The Little Matchgirls.
796
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:07,295
- [bleak folky drone]
- Eastern Europe.
797
00:36:07,295 --> 00:36:09,610
We join our Toothless Goon
798
00:36:09,610 --> 00:36:11,750
in an unassuming house on
an unassuming street,
799
00:36:11,750 --> 00:36:14,110
where he sits by an unlit fire.
800
00:36:14,110 --> 00:36:19,575
- [discordant tune]
- He snores deeply.
801
00:36:19,575 --> 00:36:23,740
Fast asleep despite his
cold and stony hearth.
802
00:36:24,710 --> 00:36:27,500
Wait, what's this?
A knock at the door.
803
00:36:28,310 --> 00:36:31,240
And a little match girl,
selling her wares.
804
00:36:31,240 --> 00:36:32,220
[box rattles]
805
00:36:32,220 --> 00:36:34,570
And she can't get the
Toothless Goon's attention,
806
00:36:34,570 --> 00:36:36,240
- so deeply does he sleep.
- [tempo increases]
807
00:36:36,240 --> 00:36:38,220
She shakes her matches
and bangs the door,
808
00:36:38,220 --> 00:36:41,885
and in her desperation, she decides
to knock on the window and shout.
809
00:36:41,885 --> 00:36:45,005
[squeaky voice]
Oi! Toothless Goon!
810
00:36:45,005 --> 00:36:48,785
Hey! Toothless Goon!
811
00:36:48,785 --> 00:36:51,325
Despite her shouts at Toothless Goon,
812
00:36:51,325 --> 00:36:53,220
the Goon sleeps so deeply,
813
00:36:53,220 --> 00:36:56,110
our little match girl decides to come
round the back of the house
814
00:36:56,110 --> 00:36:57,770
and put the window through!
815
00:36:57,770 --> 00:36:58,950
Pshhh!
816
00:36:58,950 --> 00:37:01,910
But still, our Goon, he sleeps.
817
00:37:01,910 --> 00:37:03,900
[music slows again]
818
00:37:03,900 --> 00:37:07,270
Deeply and loudly.
819
00:37:07,270 --> 00:37:11,240
He dreams of teeth in days
gone by and a lit hearth.
820
00:37:11,240 --> 00:37:13,940
Our little match girl
approaches with her matches
821
00:37:13,940 --> 00:37:18,270
and rests her hand upon
his slumbering shoulder.
822
00:37:18,930 --> 00:37:20,820
Whereupon our Goon
wakes up with a startle!
823
00:37:20,820 --> 00:37:22,600
[they yell]
824
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:25,755
Whizzes round and shoots
her shitting face off!
825
00:37:25,755 --> 00:37:32,560
[laughter and applause]
826
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:41,810
[cheers and applause]
827
00:37:42,950 --> 00:37:46,110
It's amazing how the last
line of a beautiful song
828
00:37:46,110 --> 00:37:47,750
can rug-pull the rest of it.
829
00:37:47,750 --> 00:37:49,530
Rhod's composition was operatic
830
00:37:49,530 --> 00:37:52,430
in that it felt like it
lasted about five hours.
831
00:37:52,430 --> 00:37:54,460
How long did it last,
actually, Alex?
832
00:37:54,460 --> 00:37:56,800
It lasted three times as
long as it should have.
833
00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:58,970
- So it's a minute and a half?
- One minute and a half.
834
00:37:58,970 --> 00:38:01,310
Ah, was it supposed to
last for 30 seconds?
835
00:38:01,310 --> 00:38:03,770
To be fair to Rhod, it's a harder
narrative to cram into 30 seconds
836
00:38:03,770 --> 00:38:06,080
than "some people play blues"
837
00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:08,070
and "an irritated mother
honks her horn."
838
00:38:09,130 --> 00:38:11,770
I'm not gonna give anyone one
point. That's the good news.
839
00:38:11,770 --> 00:38:14,750
Because I thoroughly enjoyed
all pieces of music.
840
00:38:14,750 --> 00:38:17,220
- OK, you've been generous today.
- I am being generous today.
841
00:38:17,220 --> 00:38:19,860
I am only going to give
Phil two points,
842
00:38:19,860 --> 00:38:21,510
because I think it'll encourage him
843
00:38:21,510 --> 00:38:25,075
to really dig down and to learn
the trumpet properly next time.
844
00:38:25,075 --> 00:38:28,570
I'm going to give Kerry three points.
It was a very pretty tune.
845
00:38:28,570 --> 00:38:29,550
Thank you.
846
00:38:29,550 --> 00:38:31,600
I'm gonna give Rhod four
points, as well as James,
847
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:33,420
because I think that story
is gonna be told
848
00:38:33,420 --> 00:38:35,860
for up to one month
after this show.
849
00:38:35,860 --> 00:38:36,820
[Alex] Right.
850
00:38:36,820 --> 00:38:39,230
And the most complete
piece of music,
851
00:38:39,230 --> 00:38:40,330
Jessica Knappett.
852
00:38:40,530 --> 00:38:44,225
[cheers and applause]
853
00:38:44,225 --> 00:38:46,160
So let's see what that's
done to the scoreboard.
854
00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:49,060
Well, we have a three-way
tie for the lead,
855
00:38:49,060 --> 00:38:51,000
between James, Jess and Rhod.
856
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:53,065
They're all on 15.
857
00:38:53,065 --> 00:38:56,150
[cheers and applause]
858
00:38:56,150 --> 00:38:58,050
Very good. Right, it's that time again.
859
00:38:58,050 --> 00:39:01,650
Please head up to the stage
for the final task of the show!
860
00:39:05,150 --> 00:39:08,200
[cheers and applause]
861
00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:10,640
All on a lovely stage.
Who's gonna read the task?
862
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:12,010
Rhod Gilbert.
863
00:39:13,950 --> 00:39:15,175
"Bob...
864
00:39:15,175 --> 00:39:17,850
when you hear the surname
of a famous Bob."
865
00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,750
[laughter]
866
00:39:21,750 --> 00:39:23,250
That's a bob, is it?
867
00:39:23,250 --> 00:39:24,595
Brilliant.
868
00:39:24,595 --> 00:39:27,340
"Pat when you hear the surname
of a famous Pat."
869
00:39:28,550 --> 00:39:31,105
"Kneel when you hear the surname
of a famous Neil."
870
00:39:31,105 --> 00:39:34,195
"Stew when you hear the surname
of a famous Stew."
871
00:39:34,195 --> 00:39:36,180
- Stew?
- Stew.
872
00:39:36,180 --> 00:39:37,480
[Rhod] Do you mean "stir"?
873
00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:40,770
Stew. The international
sign language.
874
00:39:40,770 --> 00:39:43,470
- Yeah, anybody want some stew?
- [Kerry] I love this.
875
00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:48,465
"And wane when you hear the
surname of a famous Wayne."
876
00:39:48,465 --> 00:39:50,760
Like the moon. Getting
smaller like the moon.
877
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:54,120
[laughter]
878
00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:55,800
- Great.
- I love this.
879
00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:58,350
"If you do an incorrect action
or fail to do any action
880
00:39:58,350 --> 00:40:00,130
with ten seconds of
hearing the name,
881
00:40:00,130 --> 00:40:01,530
you are disqualified."
882
00:40:01,530 --> 00:40:04,710
"Last person correctly bobbing, patting,
883
00:40:04,710 --> 00:40:08,775
kneeling, stewing or waning wins."
884
00:40:08,775 --> 00:40:10,530
So, blindfolds on, please.
885
00:40:10,530 --> 00:40:12,240
Good luck, everybody.
886
00:40:12,240 --> 00:40:14,750
Greg will say a surname.
You then have ten seconds.
887
00:40:14,750 --> 00:40:16,195
I'll be counting the ten seconds.
888
00:40:16,195 --> 00:40:18,285
At the end of that, we'll see who's
through to the next round.
889
00:40:18,285 --> 00:40:19,130
Good.
890
00:40:19,130 --> 00:40:20,360
Here we go. [blows whistle]
891
00:40:20,660 --> 00:40:21,960
Marley.
892
00:40:24,970 --> 00:40:27,970
[laughter]
893
00:40:27,970 --> 00:40:29,700
Yep, I think... Yep.
894
00:40:30,620 --> 00:40:32,800
OK, OK, and that's...
[blows whistle]
895
00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:36,540
ten seconds up. They have
all done the correct action.
896
00:40:36,540 --> 00:40:38,330
I don't think Rhod Gilbert should be
897
00:40:38,330 --> 00:40:40,130
congratulated for doing one bob.
898
00:40:40,130 --> 00:40:41,570
Next name. [blows whistle]
899
00:40:41,570 --> 00:40:43,070
Armstrong.
900
00:40:47,970 --> 00:40:51,960
[laughter]
901
00:40:53,370 --> 00:40:54,640
[blows whistle]
902
00:40:54,840 --> 00:40:56,010
James Acaster.
903
00:40:56,770 --> 00:40:58,260
James, you must go
back to the bench.
904
00:40:58,260 --> 00:40:59,860
Ah, I was thinking about Lance!
905
00:40:59,860 --> 00:41:01,885
I was gonna lance someone!
906
00:41:01,885 --> 00:41:05,850
[laughter and applause]
907
00:41:06,950 --> 00:41:08,250
Sit on the bench.
908
00:41:08,970 --> 00:41:10,475
First man on the moon!
909
00:41:10,475 --> 00:41:13,170
[laughter]
910
00:41:13,170 --> 00:41:14,865
There are four left.
911
00:41:14,865 --> 00:41:16,130
[blows whistle]
912
00:41:16,130 --> 00:41:17,460
Sleep.
913
00:41:17,860 --> 00:41:19,170
Sleep?
914
00:41:19,470 --> 00:41:24,070
[laughter]
915
00:41:25,570 --> 00:41:27,710
[blows whistle] Wang, sit down!
916
00:41:27,710 --> 00:41:29,195
[Greg] Wang is out!
917
00:41:29,195 --> 00:41:31,340
Come home. Come home, Wang.
918
00:41:32,060 --> 00:41:33,880
Phil, that was Wayne Sleep.
919
00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:35,170
The second man on the moon.
920
00:41:35,170 --> 00:41:36,600
[laughter]
921
00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:38,170
OK, here we go. Next name.
[blows whistle]
922
00:41:38,170 --> 00:41:40,795
This is gonna sort the
wheat from the chaff.
923
00:41:40,995 --> 00:41:42,610
Gretzky.
924
00:41:49,240 --> 00:41:50,970
[laughter]
925
00:41:50,970 --> 00:41:53,150
- Gretzky?
- [Greg] Gretzky.
926
00:41:53,150 --> 00:41:54,840
Three seconds. He's got
to do something.
927
00:41:54,840 --> 00:41:57,060
- [Greg] Oh-ho!
- [blows whistle]
928
00:41:57,060 --> 00:42:01,350
OK, I'm afraid we have
lost Kerry Godliman.
929
00:42:01,350 --> 00:42:05,150
Who referred to Pat Gretzky,
who does not play ice hockey.
930
00:42:05,150 --> 00:42:06,570
Wayne Gretzky does.
931
00:42:06,570 --> 00:42:08,840
- I knew that.
- [laughter]
932
00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:11,080
So we have a play-off now.
[blows whistle]
933
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:12,120
Holness.
934
00:42:14,970 --> 00:42:16,540
- [Alex] Holness.
- [Greg] Holness.
935
00:42:16,540 --> 00:42:19,930
[everyone groans]
936
00:42:19,930 --> 00:42:20,930
[blows whistle]
937
00:42:20,930 --> 00:42:22,930
I'm afraid Jessica must sit down.
938
00:42:22,930 --> 00:42:24,225
Argh!
939
00:42:24,225 --> 00:42:25,370
Stewart Holness...
940
00:42:25,370 --> 00:42:27,685
Unfortunately, Stewart
Holness has retired.
941
00:42:27,685 --> 00:42:30,260
The winner is,
ladies and gentlemen,
942
00:42:30,260 --> 00:42:31,910
Rhod Gilbert!
943
00:42:31,910 --> 00:42:34,240
[cheers and applause]
944
00:42:34,240 --> 00:42:36,080
Come down, let's add
that to the total scores,
945
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:37,180
and see where we are!
946
00:42:40,750 --> 00:42:43,220
[applause]
947
00:42:43,420 --> 00:42:44,730
So, come on, scoreboard.
948
00:42:44,730 --> 00:42:46,310
That's got to have really
mixed things up.
949
00:42:46,310 --> 00:42:48,530
It has. Well, this episode,
it was close right to the end.
950
00:42:48,530 --> 00:42:50,205
But thanks to Bob Holness,
951
00:42:50,205 --> 00:42:52,880
the winner, with 20 points,
952
00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:54,420
is Mr Rhod Gilbert!
953
00:42:54,420 --> 00:42:58,460
[cheers and applause]
954
00:42:58,460 --> 00:43:01,500
Rhod is the winner of episode eight.
955
00:43:01,500 --> 00:43:05,540
Rhod, go and collect
your creepy clutter!
956
00:43:06,860 --> 00:43:08,480
So, what have we learnt today?
957
00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:10,860
We've learnt, if you're a
lovely little match girl,
958
00:43:10,860 --> 00:43:12,170
living in poverty,
959
00:43:12,170 --> 00:43:14,620
be careful who you're
charitable to.
960
00:43:14,620 --> 00:43:17,270
Or you might get your
shitting face shot off.
961
00:43:17,270 --> 00:43:20,660
So you next time for the
penultimate part of this series.
962
00:43:20,660 --> 00:43:22,450
Thank you. Good night!
963
00:43:26,310 --> 00:43:28,720
[subtitles by tribbletown]