1 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:33,320 Hello! 2 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:37,840 I'm Greg Davies and a very warm welcome to the fifth series of Taskmaster. 3 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:40,170 We have five new comedians waiting in the wings, 4 00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:44,510 all with wildly different skill sets and numbers of fans. 5 00:00:44,510 --> 00:00:46,130 Across the... [he laughs] 6 00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:47,260 Didn't write it, didn't write it. 7 00:00:47,260 --> 00:00:48,750 [laughter] 8 00:00:48,750 --> 00:00:50,480 Across the next eight episodes, 9 00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:53,610 they will learn to accept their many mistakes, 10 00:00:53,610 --> 00:00:56,330 to live with excruciating embarrassment, 11 00:00:56,330 --> 00:00:57,940 or, in the rarest of cases, 12 00:00:57,940 --> 00:01:00,570 revel in the glory of being brilliant 13 00:01:00,570 --> 00:01:03,105 at a completely pointless activity. 14 00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:06,530 As requested by each of them individually, 15 00:01:06,530 --> 00:01:12,150 the prize is this cheaply gilded and bodiless Greg Davies trophy. 16 00:01:12,150 --> 00:01:16,370 In eight episodes' time, only one of them will take it home 17 00:01:16,370 --> 00:01:19,640 as the proud series champion of Taskmaster. 18 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:25,150 So, without further ado, let's meet this series' fantastic five. They are... 19 00:01:25,150 --> 00:01:26,650 Aisling Bea! 20 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,180 Bob Mortimer! 21 00:01:29,180 --> 00:01:30,940 Mark Watson! 22 00:01:31,970 --> 00:01:33,750 Nish Kumar! 23 00:01:33,750 --> 00:01:36,120 And Sally Phillips! 24 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:41,370 And here once more, desperately hoping for a better introduction than this, 25 00:01:41,370 --> 00:01:44,360 [high-pitched] ♪ It's little Alex Horne ♪ 26 00:01:45,660 --> 00:01:46,930 Thank you. 27 00:01:46,930 --> 00:01:49,460 How the devil have you been, Alex? 28 00:01:49,460 --> 00:01:51,640 - Have you been well? - I've been, er, good. 29 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:54,280 I feel strong, I've abandoned the diet. 30 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,480 - Oh, yeah? - So, that's helped. 31 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:56,150 OK. 32 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,550 It was horrible. I was on... 33 00:01:57,550 --> 00:02:00,610 As you know, you put me on the "no solids or liquids" diet. 34 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:01,720 I did. 35 00:02:02,020 --> 00:02:04,670 - So just gas for four months. - Lovely, delicious gas. 36 00:02:05,420 --> 00:02:06,880 But now I'm back to eating what I like, 37 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,440 and what I like is, as you know, cocktail sausages. 38 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:10,620 The classiest of sausages, 39 00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:12,660 'cause you always have a cocktail and a sausage, 40 00:02:12,660 --> 00:02:14,130 and my guilty pleasure, Imodium. 41 00:02:14,130 --> 00:02:15,680 I'm on two packs a day of Imodium. 42 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:17,260 [laughter] 43 00:02:17,260 --> 00:02:18,240 Shall we start the show? 44 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:19,400 Yes, we probably should. 45 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,710 And, as always, we start with the prize task. 46 00:02:21,710 --> 00:02:24,710 So our contestants are not only playing for the overall series trophy, 47 00:02:24,710 --> 00:02:28,240 but every episode, they will compete to win each other's possessions. 48 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,200 Today we've asked them to bring in 49 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,970 something that makes the most excellent noise. 50 00:02:32,970 --> 00:02:34,530 "Excellent" being the key word. 51 00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:36,530 And "noise" being the other key word. 52 00:02:36,530 --> 00:02:38,530 [laughter] 53 00:02:38,530 --> 00:02:42,060 Whoever's thing makes the most excellent noise in your superior opinion, Greg, 54 00:02:42,060 --> 00:02:44,640 will get the first five points of the show, and at the end of the episode, 55 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,620 the winner will take home five noisy items. 56 00:02:47,620 --> 00:02:48,970 Wow. 57 00:02:48,970 --> 00:02:51,600 Here we go. Aisling Bea, welcome to the show. 58 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,640 Thank you very much, Greg. 59 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,240 What thing did you bring in and what excellent noise does it make? 60 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:59,170 My noisy item is a rave horn. 61 00:02:59,170 --> 00:03:03,540 I was hoping that would the picture, not like a boner after someone's done LSD. 62 00:03:03,540 --> 00:03:05,540 [Greg] That's an air horn, Aisling. 63 00:03:05,540 --> 00:03:07,860 Yeah, but you use it at a rave. 64 00:03:07,860 --> 00:03:09,930 - Do you want to hear it? - [Aisling] Yeah. 65 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,600 [air horn noise] 66 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,080 - See that? - [Alex] You like it? 67 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:14,620 I do like it, and I'll tell you why. 68 00:03:14,620 --> 00:03:15,960 It takes me back to my childhood, 69 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,470 because they were quite fashionable when I was a young man. 70 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,600 - In the war? - [laughter] 71 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,820 You know, in the old Blitz. 72 00:03:25,220 --> 00:03:27,200 "Put that light out!" [he honks] 73 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,080 [laughter] 74 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:32,800 You're in luck, 'cause I very much enjoy the sound of an air horn. 75 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:36,040 And we wouldn't be in conflict if you had just called it an air horn. 76 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:37,110 Oh. 77 00:03:37,110 --> 00:03:38,000 So well done. 78 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,420 Bob, what did you bring in and what noise does it make? 79 00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:43,230 I brought a small rubber cylinder with a metallic end 80 00:03:43,230 --> 00:03:45,040 that makes a very excellent noise, 81 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,930 in my opinion, you know what I mean? 82 00:03:46,930 --> 00:03:49,110 That's what the game's all about, Bob, isn't it? 83 00:03:49,110 --> 00:03:51,670 Do you want to see a picture of it before-- Yeah, there it is. 84 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:52,910 [Greg] What noise does it make? 85 00:03:52,910 --> 00:03:54,910 I could-- I have it in my pocket. 86 00:03:54,910 --> 00:03:57,150 Can I say, first of all, it's the noise of a blackbird, 87 00:03:57,150 --> 00:03:58,950 - according to the instructions. - You reckon? 88 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,420 [laughter] 89 00:04:01,420 --> 00:04:03,200 [tube chirps] 90 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,150 - [they gasp] - [laughter] 91 00:04:05,150 --> 00:04:06,470 [Aisling] I love that! 92 00:04:06,630 --> 00:04:08,020 [tube chirps] 93 00:04:08,020 --> 00:04:10,150 It's a lot like sitting next to a blackbird. 94 00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:12,310 It's identical to being next to a blackbird. 95 00:04:12,310 --> 00:04:14,200 Maybe you are but it's keeping quiet. 96 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,260 [vigorous chirps] 97 00:04:15,260 --> 00:04:16,630 Hauntingly beautiful. 98 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,460 Mark, what did you bring? What noise-making device? 99 00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,510 - Um, I've brought an opera singer. - What? 100 00:04:21,510 --> 00:04:23,480 I've brought a singer. Her name's Catharine. 101 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:23,970 Wow. 102 00:04:23,970 --> 00:04:26,680 We've got a picture of her. Catharine Woodward. 103 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,000 - [Greg] Catharine Woodward? - [Alex] You can't win Catharine, though. 104 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,070 No, apparently there were some legalities. 105 00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:36,170 I think the idea is she would sing the name of the person who wins. 106 00:04:36,170 --> 00:04:37,370 - I think. - Shit. 107 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:40,534 [Alex] There she is, she's an opera singer. She's got a CV. 108 00:04:40,558 --> 00:04:42,585 She's got two things on the CV. 109 00:04:42,785 --> 00:04:44,730 [laughter] 110 00:04:44,730 --> 00:04:46,200 There are two singing things on the CV. 111 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,060 She's sung in two operas? 112 00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:49,640 Well, operas are very long. It takes ages. 113 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,130 [laughter] 114 00:04:52,130 --> 00:04:55,060 It's a very good idea. I look forward to her singing someone's name. 115 00:04:55,060 --> 00:04:55,750 You. 116 00:04:55,750 --> 00:04:57,480 - Hello, Greg. Nice to see you. - [Greg] Hi, Nish. 117 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,170 Welcome to the show. What noise- making object have you brought? 118 00:05:00,170 --> 00:05:04,620 Well, I have brought a CD with a looped recording of my own laugh on it. 119 00:05:04,620 --> 00:05:06,060 [Greg] Wow. 120 00:05:06,060 --> 00:05:11,950 [high-pitched laugh plays] 121 00:05:11,950 --> 00:05:14,370 Funny and interesting. 122 00:05:14,370 --> 00:05:15,420 [laughter] 123 00:05:15,420 --> 00:05:18,420 Um, the description was an excellent noise. 124 00:05:18,420 --> 00:05:19,770 It is an-- I mean-- 125 00:05:19,770 --> 00:05:22,460 If you stretch excellent to include the words 126 00:05:22,460 --> 00:05:24,680 - pungent and awful. - Awful, upsetting? 127 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,310 - Harrowing. - Grating. 128 00:05:26,310 --> 00:05:28,910 It certainly is distinctive, Gregory. 129 00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:30,280 [laughter] 130 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,680 Sally Phillips, what excellent noise- making thing have you brought in? 131 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:37,485 It's a... a youth disperser. 132 00:05:37,485 --> 00:05:42,080 So it's a sound that is appalling to hear if you're under 24. 133 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,220 If you're over 24, you can't hear it at all. 134 00:05:44,220 --> 00:05:44,800 Wow. 135 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,020 It's called The Mosquito. 136 00:05:46,020 --> 00:05:47,370 - The Mosquito. - Yeah. 137 00:05:47,370 --> 00:05:49,660 Great, well, I hate young people, so that's wonderful. 138 00:05:49,660 --> 00:05:50,840 [laughter] 139 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,220 What's the age cut-off, Sally? 140 00:05:52,220 --> 00:05:54,905 - I think it's 24. - 24. Who's below 24? 141 00:05:54,905 --> 00:05:56,970 Right, let's smoke these pricks out. 142 00:05:56,970 --> 00:06:02,150 [laughter and applause] 143 00:06:02,150 --> 00:06:04,480 Yes, it's only people under 25 can hear. 144 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,350 It's a screeching noise similar to nails down a blackboard. 145 00:06:07,350 --> 00:06:09,530 - 15.5 kilohertz. - Wow. 146 00:06:09,530 --> 00:06:10,770 But legally, we're not allowed to play it. 147 00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:13,550 [laughter] 148 00:06:13,550 --> 00:06:15,730 So, do you want to start in last place or first place? 149 00:06:15,730 --> 00:06:17,440 I'd like to start in first place, please. 150 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,510 OK, who's brought in the most excellent noise? 151 00:06:19,510 --> 00:06:21,260 I think anyone who brings a human being in 152 00:06:21,260 --> 00:06:23,530 as a prize has got to take first place. 153 00:06:23,530 --> 00:06:25,060 I'm gonna give it to Mark Watson. 154 00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:28,680 [applause] 155 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:32,520 With every year that passes, I despise the youth more. 156 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:34,970 So I'm putting Sally Phillips in second place. 157 00:06:34,970 --> 00:06:36,130 - Second place, four points. - Yeah. 158 00:06:36,130 --> 00:06:38,170 [applause] 159 00:06:38,170 --> 00:06:40,370 - Three left. - Yes, Aisling Bea. 160 00:06:40,370 --> 00:06:43,820 Because I love the air horn. It reminds me of the 80s. 161 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,400 - And that is my justification. - That's good for me. 162 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:47,330 - [Greg] Right. - [Alex] Right. 163 00:06:47,330 --> 00:06:49,310 I'm putting Bob next. I did love the noise, 164 00:06:49,310 --> 00:06:52,260 but it's just the fact that it was claiming to be a blackbird. 165 00:06:52,260 --> 00:06:55,060 It's the object's fault, Bob, not yours. 166 00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:56,420 And Nish is in last place. 167 00:06:56,420 --> 00:06:59,420 I'm not gonna justify it because he's already annoying me. 168 00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:01,400 [laughter] 169 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,930 - Let's get this series truly under way. - OK. 170 00:07:03,930 --> 00:07:06,840 What task have we chosen to kick it all off, Alex? 171 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:08,020 Well, Greg, what do you do to me 172 00:07:08,020 --> 00:07:09,680 every morning, for one hour, against my will? 173 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,680 I let you take the dry skin off my feet. 174 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:13,310 [laughter] 175 00:07:13,310 --> 00:07:15,600 That's true, but it's also a cuddle. 176 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,020 You give me a cuddle, and we're now gonna give them a cuddle. 177 00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:19,770 As in, the TV audience, through the... 178 00:07:19,770 --> 00:07:20,750 You ready? 179 00:07:20,750 --> 00:07:21,960 [both] Yes. 180 00:07:34,260 --> 00:07:35,460 How's it hangin'? 181 00:07:35,460 --> 00:07:36,560 I'm fine. 182 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,180 Thank you. 183 00:07:39,180 --> 00:07:41,920 "Give Alex a special cuddle." 184 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:46,040 Oh, no. I knew it. 185 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,970 "Most special cuddle wins." 186 00:07:47,970 --> 00:07:49,480 Oh, Alex. 187 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:50,720 "You have 20 minutes." 188 00:07:51,620 --> 00:07:53,200 - My time starts now. - Mm-hm. 189 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,130 I mean, my instinct is to remove all my clothes, 190 00:07:55,130 --> 00:07:56,570 but I think that that's just more... 191 00:07:56,570 --> 00:07:59,110 My general instinct is to do that in any given scenario. 192 00:07:59,110 --> 00:08:01,220 [laughing] Have you got a change of clothes? 193 00:08:01,220 --> 00:08:02,930 W-what do you want me to wear? 194 00:08:02,930 --> 00:08:06,460 I mean, I have fallen slightly in love with you over the weeks. 195 00:08:06,460 --> 00:08:08,615 Jeeesus, this is awful. 196 00:08:08,615 --> 00:08:10,710 Will you just do whatever I say? 197 00:08:10,710 --> 00:08:11,620 - Yeah? - Mm-hm. 198 00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:12,875 Oh, that's good. 199 00:08:12,875 --> 00:08:14,615 I'll be right back. 200 00:08:14,615 --> 00:08:17,680 [applause] 201 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,000 Interesting that your instinct, Aisling, 202 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,050 was to presume that this is Alex's way of getting 203 00:08:22,050 --> 00:08:25,680 - away with some kind of assault. - Well, if you'd come with me into a room... 204 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,770 And, you know, I'm a streetwise gal, 205 00:08:27,770 --> 00:08:30,200 and there's plastic everywhere and a white man and a camera, 206 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,950 you're like, "I'm gonna have to wank this guy off." 207 00:08:31,950 --> 00:08:33,530 [laughter] 208 00:08:33,530 --> 00:08:35,300 There was an awkward atmosphere from that point, 209 00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:36,530 for the next four or five months. 210 00:08:36,530 --> 00:08:38,150 [laughter] 211 00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:39,330 I was just excited. 212 00:08:39,330 --> 00:08:42,220 [laughter] 213 00:08:42,220 --> 00:08:43,430 Bring it on! 214 00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:47,480 I've become like the white suited guy, 215 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,640 I'm thinking, "Here's an attractive young man." 216 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:50,170 Yeah. 217 00:08:50,170 --> 00:08:52,460 [laughter] 218 00:08:52,460 --> 00:08:55,350 But not, you know, "Let's spend a bit of time together." 219 00:08:55,350 --> 00:08:57,000 [low voice] "You're gonna need a change of clothes." 220 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,820 [laughter] 221 00:08:58,820 --> 00:09:00,150 Hell of an opener. 222 00:09:00,150 --> 00:09:01,740 Thank you. 223 00:09:01,740 --> 00:09:03,370 Good, who are we gonna see first? 224 00:09:03,370 --> 00:09:07,200 I think we liked his laugh so much, we should start with Nish Kumar. 225 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,300 Exciting. 226 00:09:09,370 --> 00:09:10,470 Hello, Alex. 227 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:12,580 How are you? 228 00:09:13,370 --> 00:09:14,470 Excited. 229 00:09:16,150 --> 00:09:17,960 There we go. That's perfect. 230 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,350 Now, this is a little rest for your head. 231 00:09:20,350 --> 00:09:21,985 Pop your head in that. 232 00:09:21,985 --> 00:09:23,710 - So come on. - Are we starting it now? 233 00:09:23,710 --> 00:09:26,310 Yeah, yeah, let's start the cuddle now. There you go, pop your head in that. 234 00:09:26,310 --> 00:09:27,900 [audience] Awww. 235 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,080 [Alex] And then what? Oh, that's nice. 236 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:32,960 There we go. 237 00:09:33,750 --> 00:09:36,320 That... is a special cuddle. 238 00:09:37,460 --> 00:09:41,820 [applause] 239 00:09:41,820 --> 00:09:44,170 Just seems a fairly route one choice, I think, 240 00:09:44,170 --> 00:09:46,710 but it looked comfy. Well, let's ask Alex. 241 00:09:46,710 --> 00:09:48,130 - Was it comfy? - It was comfy. 242 00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:51,370 It was hot. I prefer room- temperature cuddles, if any. 243 00:09:51,370 --> 00:09:54,130 But it was soft, it was like cuddling... 244 00:09:54,130 --> 00:09:56,075 you, it was like your morning cuddles, in a way. 245 00:09:56,075 --> 00:09:58,060 - The padding. - Yeah. 246 00:09:58,060 --> 00:09:59,530 [laughter] 247 00:09:59,530 --> 00:10:03,440 Yeah, Nish Kumar does have to get an actual sofa cushion 248 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:07,710 and gaffer-tape it to himself in order to look like me. 249 00:10:07,710 --> 00:10:09,440 - That's right. - Yeah. 250 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,330 - [Alex] Little bit. - Yeah. No points for you. 251 00:10:11,330 --> 00:10:12,970 [laughter] 252 00:10:12,970 --> 00:10:14,800 Let's see if someone did it better, though. 253 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,950 OK, shall we have a look at Aisling Bea's cuddle? 254 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,050 Yes, please. 255 00:10:23,130 --> 00:10:26,220 - [laughter] - [soft music plays] 256 00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:27,640 - [robot voice] Alex. - Hmm? 257 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,540 You can open your eyes now. 258 00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:33,120 It's me. 259 00:10:34,420 --> 00:10:37,160 Sexy Cuddlebot 5000. 260 00:10:38,150 --> 00:10:39,940 Here is your tea. 261 00:10:42,310 --> 00:10:45,710 I just want you to be so relaxed. 262 00:10:45,710 --> 00:10:48,250 And really feel good about yourself. 263 00:10:49,020 --> 00:10:52,710 Ideally that candle would be blown out. 264 00:10:52,710 --> 00:10:55,260 So I don't burn myself. 265 00:10:55,260 --> 00:10:57,795 - Should I blow it out? - Could you blow it out, please, yes. 266 00:10:57,795 --> 00:11:01,770 Now that we finally have that candle blown out 267 00:11:01,770 --> 00:11:04,250 and we can be alooone. 268 00:11:05,020 --> 00:11:08,910 I'm gonna cuddle you reeeal goood. 269 00:11:08,910 --> 00:11:11,615 You can be sure of that. 270 00:11:11,615 --> 00:11:13,510 Cuddle you. 271 00:11:13,510 --> 00:11:15,060 They don't call me... 272 00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:17,160 [laughing] the Cuddlebot... 273 00:11:17,930 --> 00:11:19,200 for nothing. 274 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,840 Is it start-- Oh. 275 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,150 Mmmm. How do you like that? 276 00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:25,550 I like it. 277 00:11:25,550 --> 00:11:27,660 You want more, big boy? 278 00:11:27,660 --> 00:11:29,060 I'll have a little bit more, please. 279 00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:30,250 [Aisling] OK. 280 00:11:31,310 --> 00:11:33,620 A very special cuddle. 281 00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:35,200 Brrrrrrrrrrr. 282 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:36,910 - I don't like that bit. - [laughter] 283 00:11:36,910 --> 00:11:39,215 Then I will stop. Fair enough. 284 00:11:39,215 --> 00:11:46,360 [laughter and applause] 285 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,410 That's how you do it, right? 286 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:54,510 That's how you respond to feeling a little bit sexually threatened. 287 00:11:54,510 --> 00:11:59,020 You dress as an overtly sexual cuddle-robot. 288 00:11:59,020 --> 00:11:59,710 Yeah. 289 00:11:59,710 --> 00:12:01,920 You say things like, "Oo, baby!" 290 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:06,230 And then you mime hoovering Alex's genitals. 291 00:12:06,970 --> 00:12:10,910 Hoovering up all the... sex out of his lad. 292 00:12:10,910 --> 00:12:12,200 [Greg] Yeah. 293 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,470 - Yeah, I did definitely... - [laughter] 294 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,220 I suppose I did feel threatened, looking back on it now. 295 00:12:20,220 --> 00:12:21,820 [laughter] 296 00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:24,420 And I did use all means to protect myself. 297 00:12:24,420 --> 00:12:27,380 I slightly misjudged the situation, sure. 298 00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:30,300 But I'd rather be safe than sorry. 299 00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:32,450 [Greg] Right. 300 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,330 More cuddles to come, but first, 301 00:12:35,330 --> 00:12:39,670 please give a big round of applause for the first ad break of the series. 302 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:54,600 Welcome back to the second part of the first episode 303 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,110 of the fifth series of Taskmaster. 304 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,710 Right, where were we? Cuddle, Alex? 305 00:12:59,710 --> 00:13:01,550 OK. Can I have a little one? 306 00:13:01,550 --> 00:13:04,280 No, I will only cuddle you when you're ill. 307 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:05,440 Very ill. 308 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:06,800 [laughter] 309 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:07,800 I look forward to that. 310 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,430 So, next up, it's Sally's cuddle. 311 00:13:11,130 --> 00:13:12,230 Here we go. 312 00:13:16,460 --> 00:13:17,420 Lie down. 313 00:13:17,420 --> 00:13:18,740 - Lie down? - Yeah. 314 00:13:20,110 --> 00:13:22,740 - So, Alex... - Mm-hm? 315 00:13:22,740 --> 00:13:24,420 - That's nice. - Yeah? 316 00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:26,400 It's not good, it's not special enoguh. 317 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,510 We're gonna go for every possible sense of special. 318 00:13:29,510 --> 00:13:32,170 First, I'll give you a bread eye-mask. 319 00:13:32,170 --> 00:13:33,270 Oh. 320 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:37,240 I want you to just think of a happy memory... 321 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,460 while I sprinkle you with lettuce. 322 00:13:39,460 --> 00:13:41,680 [laughter] 323 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,050 Relaxing salad. 324 00:13:44,170 --> 00:13:46,150 So I've got an out-of-date chocolate cake. 325 00:13:46,150 --> 00:13:47,250 Oh, lovely. 326 00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:50,330 [she laughs] 327 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,870 This is gonna go in one armpit. 328 00:13:53,370 --> 00:13:55,540 [he gasps and laughs] 329 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,920 [she laughs] 330 00:14:07,910 --> 00:14:09,720 [she laughs] 331 00:14:12,910 --> 00:14:16,440 Oh, that's nice. Lovely. That's special. 332 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,240 Just when I've got a job... 333 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:19,610 Another... 334 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,920 Hm, that's better. Put a moustache on. 335 00:14:25,570 --> 00:14:26,670 Oh, that's nice. 336 00:14:27,420 --> 00:14:28,880 [he gasps] 337 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:31,680 [laughter] 338 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,160 H-how long have we got? 339 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:34,560 Three seconds, is it? 340 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:37,810 [blows whistle] 341 00:14:38,910 --> 00:14:40,020 Thanks, Sally. 342 00:14:40,020 --> 00:14:41,530 It's a pleasure. 343 00:14:41,530 --> 00:14:45,310 [she laughs] 344 00:14:45,310 --> 00:14:49,925 [cheers and applause] 345 00:14:49,925 --> 00:14:54,640 I suppose we need to get into the definition of the word "special". 346 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,200 Special for who? That was very, very special for me. 347 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:57,970 Was it? 348 00:14:57,970 --> 00:14:59,430 Yeah, I had a lovely time. 349 00:15:00,550 --> 00:15:02,770 I put chocolate cake under each armpit and it made... 350 00:15:02,770 --> 00:15:05,110 - No, I saw that, yeah. - and in each sock. 351 00:15:05,110 --> 00:15:07,530 And then you said, "I'm gonna start with a bread eye-mask", 352 00:15:07,530 --> 00:15:08,820 as if it was a thing. 353 00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:11,080 [laughter] 354 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,930 You essentially waterboarded him at the end. 355 00:15:12,930 --> 00:15:15,330 [laughter] 356 00:15:15,330 --> 00:15:17,070 - In my eyes. - That's how I roll. 357 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:22,770 So, next up, it's the man with hockey sticks for arms. It's Mark Watson. 358 00:15:22,770 --> 00:15:23,870 [Greg] Ooh. 359 00:15:30,770 --> 00:15:36,220 So I went on the internet and asked, "How do you cuddle someone?" 360 00:15:36,220 --> 00:15:37,550 So this is sort of... 361 00:15:37,550 --> 00:15:39,320 I mean, it's this sort of thing. 362 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,750 I didn't know how special it would be if it was... 363 00:15:44,750 --> 00:15:47,565 So I've brought-- I've got a picture of you and your wife. 364 00:15:47,565 --> 00:15:49,420 [laughter] 365 00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:52,440 Yeah, just so you might feel, sort of... in a better mood. 366 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,240 You know, cuddle-wise, it just might make you feel happy. 367 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:56,440 - Hmm. - Go face to face. 368 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:58,170 So... that sort of... 369 00:15:58,170 --> 00:16:00,400 As I say, I just wanted to be as thorough as I could, really. 370 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,220 Hmm. What are our legs doing? 371 00:16:02,220 --> 00:16:03,350 Er... 372 00:16:03,350 --> 00:16:05,490 Oh, I got you some grapes. I've got you a Curly Wurly, 373 00:16:05,490 --> 00:16:07,805 but I don't know if we'll have time, 'cause of the packaging. 374 00:16:07,805 --> 00:16:10,110 But I'm just gonna feed you a couple of these, Alex. 375 00:16:10,110 --> 00:16:12,260 Bit difficult lying down, I realise, but... 376 00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:14,100 Well, you can have the Curly Wurly. 377 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:16,770 There we go. Um... 378 00:16:17,570 --> 00:16:19,040 This has been really lovely. 379 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,780 Let's just enjoy the time together. 380 00:16:22,350 --> 00:16:25,310 - [laughter] - Are you happy? 381 00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:27,655 Keeping an eye on the clock. Three seconds left. 382 00:16:27,655 --> 00:16:28,880 [blows whistle] 383 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,200 Thank you. 384 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:34,680 [applause] 385 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,060 - Thank you, Mark. - Thanks, Alex. 386 00:16:36,060 --> 00:16:37,180 Did you enjoy it? 387 00:16:44,730 --> 00:16:49,530 [applause] 388 00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:52,280 Sort of Woody Allen's worst ever film, wasn't it? 389 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,570 The trouble was, it was a 20-minute time limit. 390 00:16:54,570 --> 00:16:56,880 I spent almost all of it walking him to a river. 391 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,260 So the actual cuddle, there was hardly any time... 392 00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:01,150 I haven't got an issue with the setting. It was lovely. 393 00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:04,130 But I was amazed to hear a 37-year-old man 394 00:17:04,130 --> 00:17:06,075 looking up how to cuddle someone. 395 00:17:06,075 --> 00:17:07,770 There were loads of great tips, actually. 396 00:17:07,770 --> 00:17:09,800 We worked through loads of them, but there was only time for a couple. 397 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:13,750 You Googled "two men cuddle by river bank in darkness"? 398 00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:15,430 I've had to change my phone since, yes. 399 00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:19,110 There's one more person. Do you want to see Bob Mortimer's cuddle? 400 00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:20,210 Ooh. 401 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,620 The banana's in there, the deodorant's in there. 402 00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:30,970 Use them if you want, I'm fine with that. 403 00:17:30,970 --> 00:17:32,360 So... 404 00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:35,110 [laughter] 405 00:17:35,110 --> 00:17:36,210 Come on in. 406 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,400 [Bob laughs] 407 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,710 [Bob] Can you turn your arse towards me? 408 00:17:42,710 --> 00:17:44,760 Yes, I think that'll be a more snug... 409 00:17:45,770 --> 00:17:47,860 - [Bob] Right, oh. - [Alex] Yes? 410 00:17:47,860 --> 00:17:48,880 Alex? 411 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:49,710 Yes, Bob? 412 00:17:49,710 --> 00:17:51,975 Would you like to shut the boot lid? 413 00:17:51,975 --> 00:17:53,960 - Yes please, Bob. - Yes! 414 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:00,750 [Bob giggles] 415 00:18:00,750 --> 00:18:02,730 [both] Oooh! 416 00:18:02,730 --> 00:18:05,310 - [Bob] How does that feel? - [Alex] Very low. 417 00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:07,040 - [Bob] Too low? - [Alex] Yes, please. 418 00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:09,200 [Bob laughs] 419 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,550 - [Bob] Is that more the midriff, is it? - [Alex] That's the midriff, yeah. 420 00:18:11,550 --> 00:18:13,040 [Bob] I'm so sorry about that, earlier. 421 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,550 I honestly couldn't work out me angles. 422 00:18:15,550 --> 00:18:18,550 - Alex, I didn't mean... - It was quite waisty. 423 00:18:18,550 --> 00:18:19,530 [Bob] There we go, that's nice. 424 00:18:19,530 --> 00:18:21,860 - [Bob] That's just under the breast, isn't it? - [Alex] Lovely. Yeah, that's nice. 425 00:18:21,860 --> 00:18:26,950 [Bob] I'll give one little squeeze... and that completes my special cuddle. 426 00:18:26,950 --> 00:18:28,730 [Alex] Right, I'm just holding the deodorant. Is that right? 427 00:18:28,730 --> 00:18:32,080 [Bob] You can hold it, spray it if you're getting nauseous. 428 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,370 - [Alex] OK, well we'll just... - [spraying] 429 00:18:34,370 --> 00:18:36,730 [Bob laughs] 430 00:18:36,730 --> 00:18:38,060 [Bob] Was that the deodorant? 431 00:18:38,060 --> 00:18:39,680 - [Alex] That was the deodorant. - [Bob] Ah, right. 432 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:46,380 [laughter and applause] 433 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:50,080 Alex told me about this after it had happened. 434 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:50,530 Yeah. 435 00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,220 And he said to me that you had said to him, 436 00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:56,670 "I have always been looking for an excuse to get into my own car boot." 437 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,805 It was. 438 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,860 And it wasn't so bad in there, was it, Alex? 439 00:19:00,860 --> 00:19:02,710 No, you sang "Have You Seen the Muffin Man?" to me. 440 00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:03,710 I did. 441 00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:05,860 [laughter] 442 00:19:05,860 --> 00:19:07,460 And you wept. 443 00:19:07,460 --> 00:19:09,480 I did, that made me quite sad. 444 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,970 - Did you weep? - 'Cause of the memories, yeah. 445 00:19:11,970 --> 00:19:13,260 What memories? 446 00:19:13,260 --> 00:19:14,640 My father was a muffin man. 447 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,170 [laughter] 448 00:19:16,170 --> 00:19:16,640 OK. 449 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,200 Do you want to go for most special cuddle first? 450 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,400 Yes, well, I found myself genuinely jealous 451 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:22,810 when you were in the boot with Bob. 452 00:19:24,060 --> 00:19:25,510 So I'm putting that in first place. 453 00:19:25,510 --> 00:19:26,430 No way! 454 00:19:26,430 --> 00:19:30,365 [cheers and applause] 455 00:19:30,365 --> 00:19:35,880 And when I get cuddled, I like to be terrified and fear for my life, 456 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,970 so I'm putting Sally Phillips in second place. 457 00:19:37,970 --> 00:19:41,030 [applause] 458 00:19:42,060 --> 00:19:45,170 I sort of wanted to be cuddled by a deranged robot 459 00:19:45,170 --> 00:19:49,460 with a background of bubbles, so I'm putting Aisling Bea in third place. 460 00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:50,650 Yay. 461 00:19:51,750 --> 00:19:54,420 And I cannot separate awkwardness 462 00:19:54,420 --> 00:19:56,970 and a man with a cushion Sellotaped to himself, 463 00:19:56,970 --> 00:19:59,660 so I'm putting the two gentlemen in joint final place. 464 00:19:59,660 --> 00:20:01,820 - [Alex] Two points for them? - [Greg] Two points each. 465 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,570 Not bad! Hey, we're doing alright. 466 00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:05,750 - We'll take it. - Yes! 467 00:20:05,750 --> 00:20:08,460 And so, Alex, can we please see the scoreboard? 468 00:20:08,460 --> 00:20:10,530 At the moment, the leader is Sally Phillips! 469 00:20:10,530 --> 00:20:11,550 [Greg] Boom. 470 00:20:11,550 --> 00:20:15,780 [applause] 471 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:20,430 Who says that ramming chocolate cake into an armpit doesn't pay dividends? 472 00:20:21,460 --> 00:20:22,480 What's next? 473 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:25,875 It's a case of row, row, row, you don't. 474 00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:27,610 Oh, clever. 475 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,420 - Hello, Alex. - Oh, hello, Sally. 476 00:20:41,420 --> 00:20:42,950 [Sally] You're looking very brown. 477 00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:44,070 You've got a tan. 478 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:45,950 [Alex] So have you. 479 00:20:45,950 --> 00:20:48,440 [Nish] Oh, yeah, but that's nature's tan, mate. 480 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,770 - Oh, are you naturally like that? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nature's tan. 481 00:20:50,770 --> 00:20:53,000 Oh, I thought you just always go on holiday. 482 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,570 [laughter] 483 00:20:55,570 --> 00:20:58,090 [Bob] It's my birthday today. What do you think of that? 484 00:20:58,800 --> 00:20:59,900 [Alex] I quite like it. 485 00:21:00,930 --> 00:21:03,280 - [Bob] I'm 58. - [Alex] OK. 486 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,740 [Bob] So can you imagine how wise I am? 487 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,130 Almost there. 488 00:21:09,130 --> 00:21:10,230 Fantastic. 489 00:21:11,530 --> 00:21:13,130 - That's for you. - Whoa. 490 00:21:13,130 --> 00:21:15,800 [ducks quacking] 491 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:19,150 Shh, I'm trying to read the tasks, ducks. 492 00:21:19,150 --> 00:21:21,020 "Get Alex onto dry land..." 493 00:21:21,020 --> 00:21:24,220 "as elegantly as possible." 494 00:21:24,220 --> 00:21:25,750 "Alex must remain dry." 495 00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:28,550 [Mark] No mention of me remaining dry. 496 00:21:28,550 --> 00:21:30,730 "You have a maximum of 20 minutes." 497 00:21:30,730 --> 00:21:33,720 "Alex will hoist the anchor in two minutes." 498 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,530 And you've got rid of the oar. 499 00:21:36,530 --> 00:21:38,890 Oh. Oh, no. 500 00:21:38,890 --> 00:21:42,240 [applause] 501 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,240 Let's all hold onto our proverbial horses. 502 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:45,970 It's time for the second commercial break 503 00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:47,070 See you soon. 504 00:21:57,150 --> 00:21:58,770 Welcome back to Taskmaster. 505 00:21:58,770 --> 00:22:00,750 - Weren't we all afloat, Alex? - [Alex] Yes. 506 00:22:00,750 --> 00:22:02,570 So, two things that they're gonna get scored for... 507 00:22:02,570 --> 00:22:04,220 - The speed... - Mm-hm. 508 00:22:04,220 --> 00:22:06,400 and the elegance. 509 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,550 - Yes, speed and... - Speed. 510 00:22:08,550 --> 00:22:09,180 Uh-huh. 511 00:22:09,180 --> 00:22:10,800 - and the elegance. - Yes. 512 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:11,380 Good. 513 00:22:11,380 --> 00:22:14,040 [Alex] OK, shall we start off with Aisling and Mark? 514 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:15,540 Yes. 515 00:22:15,540 --> 00:22:17,450 Good. Here they are. 516 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,640 - [Aisling] Can I look what's under here? - [Alex] If you want to. 517 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,640 I'm seeing as elegantly as possible. 518 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,060 What is this? 519 00:22:25,060 --> 00:22:26,930 Bloody coconuts on this show. 520 00:22:26,930 --> 00:22:27,640 Mm-hmm. 521 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:30,420 It's one of those Regatta scarves like posh English people wear. 522 00:22:30,420 --> 00:22:31,860 [Alex] They're oven gloves. 523 00:22:31,860 --> 00:22:33,510 - [laughter] - This is gonna come in handy. 524 00:22:33,510 --> 00:22:35,620 There are a lot of things in here. 525 00:22:35,620 --> 00:22:38,900 Now, 'cause it has to be elegant, here's an umbrella for you. 526 00:22:41,330 --> 00:22:42,430 There you go. 527 00:22:43,660 --> 00:22:46,180 Now I'm going to make a sail, 528 00:22:46,970 --> 00:22:49,305 because that's what sailors do. 529 00:22:49,305 --> 00:22:53,100 Unfortunately, we're drifting towards some reeds at the moment, aren't we? 530 00:22:54,060 --> 00:22:58,010 Where I'm from, Alex, this would be what we'd call elegant. 531 00:22:58,770 --> 00:23:02,040 A lady very slowly taking off her clothes. 532 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:03,770 [Alex] We're not far now. 533 00:23:03,770 --> 00:23:04,820 We're not far, Alex. 534 00:23:04,820 --> 00:23:07,070 Oh, you have taken off your clothes. I don't know what to do. 535 00:23:07,070 --> 00:23:08,610 Keep your eyes averted. 536 00:23:10,170 --> 00:23:12,820 This is gonna work, 'cause it's sort of a race against time now, 537 00:23:12,820 --> 00:23:14,460 except that elegance is important. 538 00:23:14,460 --> 00:23:16,760 You've got five minutes to get to the dry land. 539 00:23:20,530 --> 00:23:22,880 I mean, don't avert your eyes like you're disgusted. 540 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,700 - Oh. - Jesus Christ. 541 00:23:26,170 --> 00:23:28,380 I really wish I'd worn better underwear. 542 00:23:30,620 --> 00:23:33,530 This might not be that elegant, but it's not too bad, is it? 543 00:23:33,530 --> 00:23:35,630 - Quite keen to get to the pontoon, Mark. - Oh, yes. 544 00:23:36,510 --> 00:23:38,960 Darling, welcome ashore. 545 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:40,500 Don't feck this up. 546 00:23:42,620 --> 00:23:43,640 [Alex] Stop the clock. 547 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,400 Wa-heeey! 548 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:48,220 Dignity intact! Dignity intact! 549 00:23:48,220 --> 00:23:50,470 [laughter] 550 00:23:52,930 --> 00:23:54,060 OK. 551 00:23:54,060 --> 00:23:55,310 Stop the clock. 552 00:23:55,310 --> 00:23:59,220 [applause] 553 00:23:59,220 --> 00:24:00,975 There's Audrey Hepburn. 554 00:24:00,975 --> 00:24:02,995 - Elegant. - Elegant. 555 00:24:02,995 --> 00:24:04,770 There's Aisling Bea. 556 00:24:05,810 --> 00:24:06,900 Interesting. 557 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,130 [laughter] 558 00:24:08,130 --> 00:24:09,550 I forgot what knickers I was... 559 00:24:09,550 --> 00:24:12,460 I'm genuinely embarrassed by my knickers. 560 00:24:12,460 --> 00:24:15,310 - [Greg] I saw your genuine embarrassment. - What sort of feminist am I that I'm like, 561 00:24:15,310 --> 00:24:19,170 "Oh, my awful yellow... kind of flower knickers!" 562 00:24:19,170 --> 00:24:21,080 - [Greg] Ahh. - Oh, awful business, yeah. 563 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,550 White would've been a disaster. 564 00:24:22,550 --> 00:24:25,330 - [laughter] - Well, I didn't shit myself, Sally. 565 00:24:25,330 --> 00:24:28,110 [laughter] 566 00:24:28,110 --> 00:24:30,260 Great, I mean, how fast was it? 567 00:24:30,260 --> 00:24:31,660 Oh, she was quite swift. It was... 568 00:24:31,660 --> 00:24:34,680 We're looking for elegance and speed, which is a difficult combination. 569 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,220 Eight minutes, 22 seconds. 570 00:24:37,220 --> 00:24:41,240 Compared to Mark's 17 minutes 45, 571 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:43,420 which we would probably round up to quite a while. 572 00:24:43,420 --> 00:24:45,130 Well, as you could see, the problem I had 573 00:24:45,130 --> 00:24:47,970 was that quite a strong wind blew us almost all the way to France. 574 00:24:47,970 --> 00:24:49,460 - So, uh... - [laughter] 575 00:24:49,460 --> 00:24:51,075 I should say, it was a lake. 576 00:24:51,075 --> 00:24:52,550 Er, yes, but... 577 00:24:52,550 --> 00:24:54,860 - [laughter] - [Nish] Very strong wind. 578 00:24:54,860 --> 00:24:56,810 I think you'll find all lakes do lead to France. 579 00:24:57,680 --> 00:24:58,860 Um, who's next? 580 00:24:58,860 --> 00:25:00,660 We're gonna see Bob and Sally now. 581 00:25:00,660 --> 00:25:02,060 Woo! 582 00:25:02,060 --> 00:25:03,410 Which way is the wind going? 583 00:25:12,770 --> 00:25:14,030 [laughter] 584 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,160 - Which way are we gonna go? - [Sally laughs] 585 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,440 [Alex] Have you ever punted before? 586 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:23,730 [Sally] Yes. 587 00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:24,970 [Alex] Good. Good to know. 588 00:25:24,970 --> 00:25:28,110 - It just feels like we're going... - We are going the wrong way, it's true. 589 00:25:28,110 --> 00:25:29,820 - I'm trying to turn around. - OK. 590 00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:31,000 [she laughs] 591 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:31,860 What's the plan, Bob? 592 00:25:31,860 --> 00:25:35,800 I'm gonna attach a reasonably heavy weight to the rope, 593 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:40,150 and then pull on the rope to bring us towards the heavy weight. 594 00:25:40,150 --> 00:25:41,570 I think this'll be quite elegant. 595 00:25:41,570 --> 00:25:45,180 It'll be reminiscent of the Thai prawn farmers. 596 00:25:46,550 --> 00:25:48,550 Are you ready, Alex? 597 00:25:53,710 --> 00:25:54,800 I'm ready. 598 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:57,185 - [Bob screams] - [laughter] 599 00:25:57,185 --> 00:25:58,860 I thought it would sink. 600 00:25:58,860 --> 00:26:00,340 [Alex] No, that floated. 601 00:26:02,130 --> 00:26:05,630 ♪ Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya ♪ 602 00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:09,655 ♪ Michael rowed the boat ashore ♪ 603 00:26:09,655 --> 00:26:13,070 ♪ Halle-luuu-jah ♪ 604 00:26:14,620 --> 00:26:15,730 [Alex] Are we there yet? 605 00:26:15,730 --> 00:26:17,715 [Sally laughs] 606 00:26:17,715 --> 00:26:20,060 - Argh! - [audience gasps] 607 00:26:20,060 --> 00:26:21,210 [Bob] There you are, sir. 608 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,520 The wonderful island of Capri. 609 00:26:27,070 --> 00:26:28,070 Thank you. 610 00:26:28,150 --> 00:26:30,470 Thank you. Hope you enjoy your stay. 611 00:26:31,770 --> 00:26:35,940 [applause] 612 00:26:36,970 --> 00:26:39,530 Wow, I think Bob summed it up there. 613 00:26:39,530 --> 00:26:43,170 When I think of elegance, I think of prawn farming. 614 00:26:43,170 --> 00:26:45,130 [laughter] 615 00:26:45,130 --> 00:26:47,910 I think we all thought that brolly would help us, didn't we? 616 00:26:47,910 --> 00:26:50,040 - Yeah, catch the wind. - It just didn't. 617 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,280 No, they're used to protect people from rain. 618 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:55,350 [laughter] 619 00:26:55,350 --> 00:26:56,910 How did Bob do, time-wise? 620 00:26:56,910 --> 00:26:59,420 Well, it took him 12 minutes and 37 seconds, 621 00:26:59,420 --> 00:27:01,670 and that's to cover 50 yards, which means he was travelling 622 00:27:01,670 --> 00:27:03,570 at a speed of about four miles a day. 623 00:27:03,570 --> 00:27:06,750 [laughter] 624 00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:10,060 If he wanted to cross the Atlantic in that technique, it would take him two years. 625 00:27:10,060 --> 00:27:11,730 [laughter] 626 00:27:11,730 --> 00:27:13,310 - Now, Sally Phillips. - Sally Phillips. 627 00:27:13,310 --> 00:27:15,750 - Genuinely elegant. - Yeah. 628 00:27:15,750 --> 00:27:16,950 Lovely bit of punting. 629 00:27:16,950 --> 00:27:19,310 She took exactly ten minutes and 12 seconds. 630 00:27:19,310 --> 00:27:20,040 Ooh! 631 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,280 It was the most elegant so far, I think, Sally's. 632 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:24,080 - Clearly, wasn't it? - Perfect, I'll note that down. 633 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:27,050 - Who's left? - We're yet to see Nish Kumar's effort. 634 00:27:29,860 --> 00:27:31,685 [leaf blower whooshes] 635 00:27:31,685 --> 00:27:33,310 Ho ho ho ho ho ho! 636 00:27:33,310 --> 00:27:35,530 [laughter] 637 00:27:35,530 --> 00:27:36,930 [Alex] I am hoisting the anchor. 638 00:27:36,930 --> 00:27:41,070 [whirring] 639 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:46,870 [Alex] Quite elegant. 640 00:27:50,110 --> 00:27:52,070 This is my most elegant position. 641 00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:58,390 We're nearly there, Nish. 642 00:27:59,460 --> 00:28:01,680 [laughter] 643 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:03,020 [Nish] Excuse me. 644 00:28:03,020 --> 00:28:04,740 Trying to stay elegant with it, Alex! 645 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:08,260 [laughter] 646 00:28:08,260 --> 00:28:09,880 That's not very elegant, is it? 647 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,930 - I can feel the wind on my butt crack. - I could see the wind on your butt crack. 648 00:28:12,930 --> 00:28:14,970 - You could see the wind on my butt crack? - Little bit. 649 00:28:14,970 --> 00:28:16,300 Please, Alex. 650 00:28:16,300 --> 00:28:18,380 Step forth onto the platform. 651 00:28:19,350 --> 00:28:20,630 Thank you, Nish. 652 00:28:20,630 --> 00:28:21,880 Elegance. 653 00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:25,400 [applause] 654 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:26,880 How do you like them apples?! 655 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:30,130 [applause] 656 00:28:30,130 --> 00:28:31,310 What did he say at the end? 657 00:28:31,310 --> 00:28:33,630 He shouted, "How do you like them apples?" 658 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:37,630 Which is the battle cry of the elegant man. 659 00:28:37,630 --> 00:28:40,620 That's what I say every time people see both my butt cheeks. 660 00:28:40,620 --> 00:28:42,750 "How do you like these apples?" 661 00:28:42,750 --> 00:28:44,040 How fast? 662 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:45,140 Very fast. 663 00:28:46,110 --> 00:28:47,700 - OK, tell me how fast? - Oh, right. 664 00:28:48,820 --> 00:28:50,950 He took four minutes and five seconds. 665 00:28:50,950 --> 00:28:55,070 [cheers and applause] 666 00:28:55,820 --> 00:28:56,800 First place, is that? 667 00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:57,930 First place, bam. 668 00:28:57,930 --> 00:29:00,070 - Straight in, as far as I'm concerned. - Nish Kumar. OK. 669 00:29:00,070 --> 00:29:02,240 [applause] 670 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:05,620 And if I wasn't on that boat, seeing someone's backside, 671 00:29:05,620 --> 00:29:09,550 I would have chosen a snooker- cue-wielding Sally Phillips. 672 00:29:09,550 --> 00:29:11,800 - Smashing into second place. - [Alex] OK. 673 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:14,530 [applause] 674 00:29:14,530 --> 00:29:17,480 I'm gonna put Aisling in third place, because, you know, 675 00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:18,600 got her pants out. 676 00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:20,260 [laughter] 677 00:29:20,260 --> 00:29:21,420 Didn't have a shit. 678 00:29:21,420 --> 00:29:23,510 [applause] 679 00:29:23,510 --> 00:29:26,200 Bob crashing into fourth place. 680 00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:27,330 Fourth place. 681 00:29:27,330 --> 00:29:28,570 [applause] 682 00:29:28,570 --> 00:29:31,340 Mark is the contestant here who looks, and I hope this isn't disrespectful, 683 00:29:31,340 --> 00:29:32,650 most like a heron. 684 00:29:32,750 --> 00:29:35,020 [laughter] 685 00:29:35,020 --> 00:29:37,910 And you managed to make the heron look inelegant. It's incredible. 686 00:29:37,910 --> 00:29:40,720 But you got him to shore, so, you know, I guess you can have a point. 687 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:43,860 There could be quite a lot of, "I guess you can have a point." 688 00:29:43,860 --> 00:29:46,730 [applause] 689 00:29:46,730 --> 00:29:48,930 Alex, can we please see what that's done to the scores? 690 00:29:48,930 --> 00:29:52,770 OK, after three tasks... 691 00:29:52,770 --> 00:29:54,440 the scoreboard looks like this. 692 00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:55,830 [Greg whistles] 693 00:29:55,830 --> 00:29:57,530 [Greg] Ooh. 694 00:29:57,530 --> 00:29:59,240 [Alex] It's tight, it's tight. 695 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:00,810 - Joint last, baby! - Yeah. 696 00:30:01,820 --> 00:30:03,860 Sally Phillips maintaining her lead. 697 00:30:03,860 --> 00:30:05,170 OK, on we go then. What's next? 698 00:30:05,170 --> 00:30:08,500 It's a typically Taskmaster version of basketball. 699 00:30:20,570 --> 00:30:21,830 Ooh, post! 700 00:30:25,420 --> 00:30:27,470 "Get the basketball through the hoop." 701 00:30:28,370 --> 00:30:29,730 Seems simple. 702 00:30:29,730 --> 00:30:30,770 Ah. 703 00:30:30,770 --> 00:30:32,820 I may not touch the basketball with my hands, 704 00:30:32,820 --> 00:30:37,440 I may not wear gloves or anything that could reasonably be construed to be gloves. 705 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,750 Sorry, I'm just having difficulty with some of the longer words. 706 00:30:40,750 --> 00:30:42,080 [laughter] 707 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:43,200 "Fastest wins." 708 00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:44,950 "Your time starts now." 709 00:30:44,950 --> 00:30:48,600 But does that mean I can use something that isn't gloves? 710 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:49,930 Like leaves? 711 00:30:49,930 --> 00:30:53,750 [applause] 712 00:30:53,750 --> 00:30:58,280 I'm glad that we have been very specific in the setting of that task, 713 00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:01,510 and said that "anything that could be reasonably construed as gloves", 714 00:31:01,510 --> 00:31:02,950 'cause we've been burned before. 715 00:31:02,950 --> 00:31:06,420 Yeah, so if there's close hand-to-ball contact going on, 716 00:31:06,420 --> 00:31:07,710 I'm gonna be furious. 717 00:31:07,710 --> 00:31:09,370 [laughter] 718 00:31:09,870 --> 00:31:12,900 [laughter] 719 00:31:14,460 --> 00:31:15,510 Who's up first, Alex? 720 00:31:15,510 --> 00:31:19,310 We're gonna start with two of my favourite verbs. Bob and Mark. 721 00:31:19,310 --> 00:31:22,530 [laughter] 722 00:31:22,530 --> 00:31:24,270 I've got to give it one go, kicking it. 723 00:31:26,060 --> 00:31:27,610 [audience gasps] 724 00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:30,340 I'll give it one more go. 725 00:31:32,510 --> 00:31:34,320 I think I'd better try and find something. 726 00:31:49,770 --> 00:31:51,710 No, that's not going to work. 727 00:31:51,710 --> 00:31:52,940 That was skillful. 728 00:32:03,860 --> 00:32:06,120 [laughter] 729 00:32:08,570 --> 00:32:10,010 [he laughs] 730 00:32:11,060 --> 00:32:12,625 You knew this was gonna happen. 731 00:32:12,625 --> 00:32:14,210 Now, if we... 732 00:32:17,240 --> 00:32:18,860 - Oh, that's a shame! - [audience groans] 733 00:32:20,910 --> 00:32:21,910 [Alex] Well done, Bob. 734 00:32:21,910 --> 00:32:23,680 [applause] 735 00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:24,780 Easy... 736 00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:34,350 [applause] 737 00:32:34,350 --> 00:32:37,285 The fact that Bob went into the shed and pulled out a ladder... 738 00:32:37,285 --> 00:32:39,330 He's an intelligent man. Makes sense. 739 00:32:39,330 --> 00:32:40,170 Mm-hm. 740 00:32:40,170 --> 00:32:41,550 Presumably that ladder was... 741 00:32:41,550 --> 00:32:43,570 - an option for Mark Watson? - Oh, it's still there. 742 00:32:43,570 --> 00:32:45,520 [laughter] 743 00:32:45,860 --> 00:32:47,750 But you went with a commode on wheels. 744 00:32:47,750 --> 00:32:48,970 [laughter] 745 00:32:48,970 --> 00:32:50,610 Yeah, it's what they call nature's ladder. 746 00:32:50,610 --> 00:32:52,150 [laughter] 747 00:32:52,150 --> 00:32:54,530 That brings us to the end of part three. 748 00:32:54,530 --> 00:32:57,930 Join us in a few minutes for the final part of the show, 749 00:32:57,930 --> 00:33:01,050 and the first live task of the series. See you then. 750 00:33:12,750 --> 00:33:16,110 Hello. Great to have you back here on Taskmaster soil. 751 00:33:16,110 --> 00:33:17,240 Right, where were we, Alex? 752 00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:20,310 Well, our five comics are attempt to score a basket with a basketball, 753 00:33:20,310 --> 00:33:22,220 but without using their hands. 754 00:33:22,220 --> 00:33:24,395 Do you want to watch two people with long hair do it? 755 00:33:24,395 --> 00:33:25,550 Do I? 756 00:33:25,550 --> 00:33:28,430 - [laughter] - Here are Aisling and Sally. 757 00:33:32,750 --> 00:33:35,220 That's not gonna... I need Sellotape. 758 00:33:35,220 --> 00:33:36,550 [Alex] There's gaffer tape in the shed. 759 00:33:36,550 --> 00:33:38,110 There's gaffer tape in the shed? 760 00:33:38,110 --> 00:33:39,220 [Alex] There's lots of things in the shed. 761 00:33:39,220 --> 00:33:40,440 Lots of things in the shed? 762 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:50,860 [she grunts] 763 00:33:50,860 --> 00:33:51,960 Shite. 764 00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:05,280 Oh, my God, I'm a bloody genius. 765 00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:06,210 Oh, wait-- 766 00:34:06,210 --> 00:34:07,280 [laughter] 767 00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:08,170 [she strains] 768 00:34:08,170 --> 00:34:09,730 Good, but they're really heavy. 769 00:34:09,730 --> 00:34:11,200 Oh, I know what. 770 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:12,625 I know what! 771 00:34:12,625 --> 00:34:14,530 [she grunts] 772 00:34:14,530 --> 00:34:15,630 Next time. 773 00:34:17,820 --> 00:34:18,920 Yeah. 774 00:34:25,530 --> 00:34:26,820 Yes! 775 00:34:26,820 --> 00:34:30,220 [applause] 776 00:34:30,220 --> 00:34:32,320 OK. This is gonna work. 777 00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:35,130 [she grunts] 778 00:34:35,130 --> 00:34:36,330 YES! 779 00:34:36,330 --> 00:34:39,170 - [cheers and applause] - Come on, Ireland! 780 00:34:39,170 --> 00:34:41,730 ♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh ♪ 781 00:34:41,730 --> 00:34:45,440 [applause] 782 00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:48,770 I don't know if you heard, but Aisling shouting, "Come on, Ireland." 783 00:34:48,770 --> 00:34:50,170 [laughter] 784 00:34:50,170 --> 00:34:52,770 What better source of national pride... 785 00:34:52,770 --> 00:34:55,310 than a woman using a grass rake... 786 00:34:55,310 --> 00:34:56,330 - and a... - And a crutch. 787 00:34:56,330 --> 00:34:57,460 And a crutch. 788 00:34:57,460 --> 00:34:58,600 Yeah, yeah. 789 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:00,200 To pop a basketball through a ring. 790 00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:01,740 But I'm pretty proud of myself. 791 00:35:01,740 --> 00:35:04,040 I feel like that looks like it took about two seconds. 792 00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:06,150 There was only nine seconds between you and Bob. 793 00:35:06,750 --> 00:35:08,930 Was it higher or lower than Bob? 794 00:35:08,930 --> 00:35:10,600 - Oooh. - Aisling took... 795 00:35:10,600 --> 00:35:12,330 Eight seconds and three minutes. 796 00:35:12,330 --> 00:35:13,510 Three minutes and eight seconds. 797 00:35:13,510 --> 00:35:14,930 - Oooh! - [laughter] 798 00:35:14,930 --> 00:35:17,600 Alex, you old trickster. You really had my heart, there. 799 00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:19,000 - They're the other way round. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 800 00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:20,440 Bob, two minutes 59. 801 00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:23,640 So Bob, Mark, Aisling, but then Sally... 802 00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:25,005 Do you know what I think? 803 00:35:25,005 --> 00:35:27,040 [laughter] 804 00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:28,860 She took two minutes and five seconds. 805 00:35:28,860 --> 00:35:30,160 - [Alex] Yes. - What?! 806 00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:32,060 Academic. 807 00:35:32,060 --> 00:35:33,460 [laughter] 808 00:35:33,460 --> 00:35:34,860 I'm afraid you're disqualified. 809 00:35:34,860 --> 00:35:36,680 - They were foot-gloves. - Yeah, it's fair enough. 810 00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:38,420 - Did she get any points at all? - Zero. 811 00:35:38,420 --> 00:35:40,840 - [audience gasps] - [Aisling] Greg! 812 00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:42,260 - Oh dear. - Oooh. 813 00:35:42,260 --> 00:35:44,970 And once again, we've left Nish Kumar till last. 814 00:35:44,970 --> 00:35:45,620 Uh-oh. 815 00:35:45,620 --> 00:35:47,460 So here he is, last but not least, 816 00:35:47,460 --> 00:35:49,220 in terms of weight, it's Nish... 817 00:35:49,220 --> 00:35:51,220 [laughter] 818 00:35:51,220 --> 00:35:52,320 Kumar! 819 00:35:53,460 --> 00:35:57,740 OK. So, plan A, chip the basketball into the hoop. 820 00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:09,910 [cheers and applause] 821 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:17,240 YES! 822 00:36:17,240 --> 00:36:18,310 [Alex] Well done, Nish. 823 00:36:18,310 --> 00:36:20,770 How do you like them apples, Horne? 824 00:36:20,770 --> 00:36:22,050 How do you like 'em? 825 00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:25,255 Kumar out. 826 00:36:25,255 --> 00:36:27,110 Oh, my God. 827 00:36:27,110 --> 00:36:29,260 Well, well, well. 828 00:36:29,260 --> 00:36:31,890 Looks like last in PE, 829 00:36:31,890 --> 00:36:34,770 first in being a legend. 830 00:36:34,770 --> 00:36:37,080 [laughter] 831 00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:39,800 Well, that was a very dignified double celebration. 832 00:36:39,800 --> 00:36:42,280 [laughter] 833 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:45,310 We can see it again, if you want, with all the other attempts? 834 00:36:45,310 --> 00:36:45,970 What?! 835 00:36:45,970 --> 00:36:47,170 - What, mate? - [Alex] What? 836 00:36:47,170 --> 00:36:47,880 What, mate? 837 00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:50,910 - I just thought we should see it in full. - No, we saw the attempt. It's done. 838 00:36:50,910 --> 00:36:54,640 Oh, I cannot wait to see the celebration after this. 839 00:36:54,640 --> 00:36:57,330 - [audience groans] - It wasn't what it seemed. 840 00:36:57,330 --> 00:36:58,710 What is this? 841 00:36:58,710 --> 00:37:04,620 OK. So, plan A, chip the basketball into the hoop. 842 00:37:04,620 --> 00:37:05,720 Alright, here we go. 843 00:37:07,530 --> 00:37:09,250 [laughter] 844 00:37:10,550 --> 00:37:11,905 Argh! 845 00:37:11,905 --> 00:37:13,760 Oh! One more try. 846 00:37:14,820 --> 00:37:16,740 Oh, come on! 847 00:37:17,950 --> 00:37:19,050 What?! 848 00:37:25,570 --> 00:37:26,670 [he screams] 849 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,410 Now it's going that way! 850 00:37:31,910 --> 00:37:33,260 [Alex] Are you enjoying it, Nish? 851 00:37:33,260 --> 00:37:36,520 I am gonna do this if it kills me and everyone here. 852 00:37:43,750 --> 00:37:45,480 - Where are you going? - Gonna get a chair. 853 00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:48,520 [laughter] 854 00:37:50,110 --> 00:37:51,770 [Alex] I don't think this is gonna go in. 855 00:37:51,770 --> 00:37:52,420 [Nish] There we go. 856 00:37:52,420 --> 00:37:54,400 [Alex] Well, it's just I've seen you do it 43 times. 857 00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:55,570 Forty-three?! 858 00:37:55,570 --> 00:37:57,100 Forty-four's the charm, Horne. 859 00:37:59,060 --> 00:38:00,160 Fifty's the charm. 860 00:38:03,420 --> 00:38:07,960 [cheers and applause] 861 00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:10,440 How do you like them apples? 862 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:13,040 [laughter] 863 00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:14,200 You got there in the end, though. 864 00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,770 Yeah, I did get there in the end. Remember how great it felt? 865 00:38:16,770 --> 00:38:19,310 Yeah, I wish they could do that with all sport. 866 00:38:19,310 --> 00:38:21,730 Just, like, edit out the first 90 minutes, 867 00:38:21,730 --> 00:38:24,820 and then leave, like, a goal, and we all know who wins. 868 00:38:24,820 --> 00:38:27,580 Aisling, I think you'll find it wasn't 90 minutes. 869 00:38:28,370 --> 00:38:30,080 - It wasn't far off, I imagine. - It wasn't far off. 870 00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:31,480 [laughter] 871 00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:33,770 [Alex] It was 28 minutes and 19 seconds. 872 00:38:33,770 --> 00:38:35,910 - Whoa, Nish! - Some more stats? 873 00:38:35,910 --> 00:38:37,710 I want as many stats as you can throw at him. 874 00:38:37,710 --> 00:38:40,170 He mentioned Groundhog Day four times. 875 00:38:40,170 --> 00:38:41,660 [laughter] 876 00:38:41,660 --> 00:38:43,910 The mention of Groundhog Day is a Groundhog Day moment. 877 00:38:43,910 --> 00:38:44,680 Oh my God! 878 00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:46,240 He claimed the ball was racist twice. 879 00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:49,530 [laughter] 880 00:38:49,530 --> 00:38:52,880 You cannot be playing that card during this game. 881 00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:53,770 [Mark] Every time. 882 00:38:53,770 --> 00:38:57,910 As I say, I was just seeing the facts as they were in front of me. 883 00:38:57,910 --> 00:39:00,620 I am brown. The ball was not going in. 884 00:39:00,620 --> 00:39:02,950 Quid pro quo, racist ball. 885 00:39:02,950 --> 00:39:04,130 [laughter] 886 00:39:04,130 --> 00:39:06,410 Fifty-two attempts, four of which were close. 887 00:39:07,970 --> 00:39:09,350 [he laughs] 888 00:39:09,350 --> 00:39:11,680 Just tell us the order they came in, according to their times. 889 00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:12,740 So Sally gets zero. 890 00:39:12,740 --> 00:39:15,350 I'm very sorry, Sally. I won't disqualify you again, 891 00:39:15,350 --> 00:39:16,770 just 'cause I like being popular. 892 00:39:16,770 --> 00:39:19,280 Next, Nish with two points, 893 00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:21,480 then it goes Aisling, Mark, and then Bob gets five points. 894 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:22,620 - Bang! - There it is. 895 00:39:22,620 --> 00:39:26,150 [cheers and applause] 896 00:39:26,150 --> 00:39:27,550 Hey, Alex. A bit of business. 897 00:39:27,550 --> 00:39:29,130 Scoreboard time, was it? 898 00:39:29,130 --> 00:39:30,510 [laughter] 899 00:39:30,510 --> 00:39:33,040 Yes, it's scoreboard time, and... 900 00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,150 there's a three-way tie for second place. 901 00:39:35,150 --> 00:39:36,820 Bob is now in the lead with 14, though. 902 00:39:36,820 --> 00:39:38,295 [Greg] Whoa! 903 00:39:38,295 --> 00:39:41,070 - [Nish] Still bringing up the rear. - [applause] 904 00:39:42,260 --> 00:39:43,970 Just one thing left to do, then. 905 00:39:43,970 --> 00:39:45,660 For the first time this series, 906 00:39:45,660 --> 00:39:48,020 will you please all make your way to the stage 907 00:39:48,020 --> 00:39:50,470 for the final task of the show! 908 00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:58,250 [applause] 909 00:40:00,060 --> 00:40:04,570 Five delightful people sitting with a lovely bowl of fruit and other items. 910 00:40:04,570 --> 00:40:06,920 Sally, would you read the task out, please? 911 00:40:10,150 --> 00:40:13,110 "Get one item of fruit into the fish bowl." 912 00:40:13,110 --> 00:40:15,260 "You may not leave or move your chair." 913 00:40:15,260 --> 00:40:18,550 "You may not throw your fruit. Fastest wins." 914 00:40:18,550 --> 00:40:20,120 [he groans] 915 00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:22,110 Piss and shit. 916 00:40:22,110 --> 00:40:24,020 [laughter] 917 00:40:24,020 --> 00:40:25,330 Everyone ready? Ready, Greg? 918 00:40:25,330 --> 00:40:26,340 Oh, God, I'm ready. 919 00:40:26,340 --> 00:40:27,460 - [Alex] Good luck. - Blow your whistle. 920 00:40:27,460 --> 00:40:28,460 [blows whistle] 921 00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:34,580 - [Alex] Oh, he's kicking it. - [Greg] Try it another 52 times. 922 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:36,660 [Alex] Oh, oh... 923 00:40:36,660 --> 00:40:38,140 Watch your foot. Watch your face! 924 00:40:39,750 --> 00:40:42,170 [cheers and applause] 925 00:40:42,170 --> 00:40:43,640 It's not thrown! 926 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:45,450 - [Nish] What?! - [Aisling] Who got that in? 927 00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:47,625 [Sally] Oh, my word. 928 00:40:47,625 --> 00:40:54,140 [cheers and applause] 929 00:40:54,140 --> 00:40:55,530 What are you doing, Nish? 930 00:40:55,530 --> 00:40:57,210 Two can play at that game, Mortimer! 931 00:41:00,060 --> 00:41:02,720 God, I hate this program! 932 00:41:03,660 --> 00:41:05,870 [Nish] I hate it! I wish I'd gone to law school! 933 00:41:08,130 --> 00:41:10,050 [audience groans] 934 00:41:11,150 --> 00:41:13,080 [Bob] What are you building, Sally? 935 00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:14,080 [Sally] I don't know! 936 00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:15,180 [Nish] It's on. 937 00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:18,600 Yes, mate! Yes, mate! 938 00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:21,900 [applause] 939 00:41:22,710 --> 00:41:23,710 Here goes the coconut. 940 00:41:23,710 --> 00:41:25,230 - Oh, no. - No, it doesn't. 941 00:41:26,750 --> 00:41:28,770 [laughter] 942 00:41:28,770 --> 00:41:30,110 - [Alex] Maybe... - [Nish] Oooh! 943 00:41:30,110 --> 00:41:32,450 [audience gasps] 944 00:41:35,170 --> 00:41:37,950 Go on, coconut! 945 00:41:37,950 --> 00:41:40,440 - [audience gasps] - Oh, you prick. OK. 946 00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:41,480 [Alex] What are you doing, Sally? 947 00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:42,480 I don't know. 948 00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:44,260 [laughter] 949 00:41:44,260 --> 00:41:46,510 Sally, are you sure you don't want to use the... 950 00:41:46,510 --> 00:41:47,310 What's that? 951 00:41:47,310 --> 00:41:48,800 It's a pipe connector. 952 00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:54,060 [laughter and applause] 953 00:41:54,060 --> 00:41:55,420 Oh, my God! 954 00:41:55,420 --> 00:41:58,000 See, this is how it was, me with the basketball. 955 00:41:58,000 --> 00:41:58,530 Oh! 956 00:41:58,530 --> 00:42:00,610 [audience gasps] 957 00:42:01,750 --> 00:42:02,440 No! 958 00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:07,610 [cheers and applause] 959 00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:09,710 [whistle blows] 960 00:42:09,710 --> 00:42:11,310 - We have found our last place. - Nooo! 961 00:42:11,310 --> 00:42:12,540 [Alex] There we go. 962 00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:15,930 I'm sorry, Aisling. I'm sorry. 963 00:42:15,930 --> 00:42:18,685 Well, that was really lovely. 964 00:42:18,685 --> 00:42:20,420 Why don't you all come back down here 965 00:42:20,420 --> 00:42:22,740 and we'll see how that's affected the final scores? 966 00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:30,110 [applause] 967 00:42:30,110 --> 00:42:32,000 How are the scores looking after that madness? 968 00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:33,930 Oh, I'll quickly run down the finishing times, 969 00:42:33,930 --> 00:42:36,240 if that's alright, 'cause there were some spectacular times scored. 970 00:42:36,240 --> 00:42:39,480 Sally slid it in after three minutes and 40 seconds. 971 00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:42,170 Nish nicked Bob's technique and sort of poked 972 00:42:42,170 --> 00:42:44,530 a pear in after one minute and nine seconds. 973 00:42:44,530 --> 00:42:46,080 Bob, 20 seconds with his. 974 00:42:46,080 --> 00:42:46,880 - [Greg] Wow. - 20 seconds. 975 00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:49,010 - [applause] - [Alex] Incredible. 976 00:42:50,970 --> 00:42:53,530 Mark Watson, it's been adjudicated by me that he didn't throw it. 977 00:42:53,530 --> 00:42:55,400 - You'd flicked it in... - Yeah, it wasn't thrown. 978 00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:57,800 in 12 seconds. Imagine that. 979 00:42:57,800 --> 00:42:59,020 Wow. 980 00:42:59,020 --> 00:43:01,770 Yeah, I flicked it off a thing, like a heron would. 981 00:43:01,770 --> 00:43:03,280 - Yeah, yeah. - Like a heron. 982 00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:06,095 - [laughter] - A heron's throw. 983 00:43:06,095 --> 00:43:07,640 And what about Aisling? 984 00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:10,020 I've written DNF. Did not finish. 985 00:43:10,020 --> 00:43:12,000 - Did not finish. - [Greg] Aw, DNF. 986 00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:14,860 You still get one point, because we think you would have finished. 987 00:43:14,860 --> 00:43:16,310 [laughter] 988 00:43:16,310 --> 00:43:19,680 So, all that means we do have the first winner of the series. 989 00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:20,800 Oh, thank God. 990 00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:23,200 As you can see from this scoreboard here. 991 00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:25,240 - [Nish] Argh! - [Aisling] Whoa! 992 00:43:25,240 --> 00:43:29,330 [cheers and applause] 993 00:43:29,330 --> 00:43:31,510 Bob is the winner of the first show. 994 00:43:31,510 --> 00:43:36,150 Please, Bob, head to the stage and grab your noisy bits and pieces! 995 00:43:36,150 --> 00:43:36,970 Thank you! 996 00:43:36,970 --> 00:43:39,070 [applause] 997 00:43:40,020 --> 00:43:41,370 So, what have we learnt today? 998 00:43:41,370 --> 00:43:44,550 We have learnt that if you cuddle any of these people, 999 00:43:44,550 --> 00:43:46,170 you're probably gonna get hurt. 1000 00:43:46,170 --> 00:43:49,830 And we've learnt that Mark Watson looks like a fucking heron. 1001 00:43:50,950 --> 00:43:53,480 But most importantly, we've learnt that the winner 1002 00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:56,730 of the first episode of series five is... 1003 00:43:56,730 --> 00:44:01,600 ♪ Bo-o-ob Mortime-e-er ♪ 1004 00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:07,240 [cheers and applause] 1005 00:44:07,240 --> 00:44:09,620 Thank you, everyone. Good night! 1006 00:44:09,620 --> 00:44:12,460 [cheers and applause] 1007 00:44:12,460 --> 00:44:20,460 ♪ Bo-o-ob Mortime-e-er ♪ 1008 00:44:32,825 --> 00:44:37,630 [subtitles by tribbletown]