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Hello!
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I'm Greg Davies and a very warm welcome
to the fifth series of Taskmaster.
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We have five new comedians
waiting in the wings,
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all with wildly different skill
sets and numbers of fans.
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Across the... [he laughs]
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Didn't write it, didn't write it.
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[laughter]
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Across the next eight episodes,
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they will learn to accept
their many mistakes,
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to live with excruciating
embarrassment,
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or, in the rarest of cases,
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revel in the glory of
being brilliant
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at a completely pointless activity.
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As requested by each of
them individually,
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the prize is this cheaply gilded
and bodiless Greg Davies trophy.
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In eight episodes' time, only
one of them will take it home
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as the proud series
champion of Taskmaster.
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So, without further ado, let's meet this
series' fantastic five. They are...
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Aisling Bea!
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Bob Mortimer!
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Mark Watson!
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Nish Kumar!
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And Sally Phillips!
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And here once more, desperately hoping
for a better introduction than this,
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[high-pitched] ♪ It's little Alex Horne ♪
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Thank you.
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How the devil have you been, Alex?
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- Have you been well?
- I've been, er, good.
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I feel strong, I've abandoned the diet.
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- Oh, yeah?
- So, that's helped.
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OK.
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It was horrible. I was on...
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As you know, you put me on the
"no solids or liquids" diet.
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I did.
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- So just gas for four months.
- Lovely, delicious gas.
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But now I'm back to
eating what I like,
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and what I like is, as you know,
cocktail sausages.
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The classiest of sausages,
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'cause you always have a
cocktail and a sausage,
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and my guilty pleasure, Imodium.
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I'm on two packs a day of Imodium.
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[laughter]
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Shall we start the show?
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Yes, we probably should.
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And, as always, we start
with the prize task.
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So our contestants are not only playing
for the overall series trophy,
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but every episode, they will compete
to win each other's possessions.
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Today we've asked them to bring in
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something that makes the
most excellent noise.
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"Excellent" being the key word.
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And "noise" being the
other key word.
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[laughter]
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Whoever's thing makes the most excellent
noise in your superior opinion, Greg,
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will get the first five points of the show,
and at the end of the episode,
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the winner will take home
five noisy items.
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Wow.
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Here we go. Aisling Bea,
welcome to the show.
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Thank you very much, Greg.
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What thing did you bring in and what
excellent noise does it make?
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My noisy item is a rave horn.
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I was hoping that would the picture, not
like a boner after someone's done LSD.
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[Greg] That's an air horn, Aisling.
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Yeah, but you use it at a rave.
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- Do you want to hear it?
- [Aisling] Yeah.
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[air horn noise]
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- See that?
- [Alex] You like it?
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I do like it, and I'll tell you why.
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It takes me back to my childhood,
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because they were quite fashionable
when I was a young man.
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- In the war?
- [laughter]
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You know, in the old Blitz.
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"Put that light out!" [he honks]
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[laughter]
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You're in luck, 'cause I very much
enjoy the sound of an air horn.
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And we wouldn't be in conflict if
you had just called it an air horn.
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Oh.
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So well done.
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Bob, what did you bring in and
what noise does it make?
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I brought a small rubber
cylinder with a metallic end
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that makes a very excellent noise,
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in my opinion, you know what I mean?
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That's what the game's all
about, Bob, isn't it?
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Do you want to see a picture
of it before-- Yeah, there it is.
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[Greg] What noise does it make?
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I could-- I have it in my pocket.
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Can I say, first of all,
it's the noise of a blackbird,
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- according to the instructions.
- You reckon?
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[laughter]
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[tube chirps]
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- [they gasp]
- [laughter]
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[Aisling] I love that!
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[tube chirps]
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It's a lot like sitting
next to a blackbird.
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It's identical to being
next to a blackbird.
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Maybe you are but it's
keeping quiet.
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[vigorous chirps]
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Hauntingly beautiful.
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Mark, what did you bring?
What noise-making device?
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- Um, I've brought an opera singer.
- What?
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I've brought a singer.
Her name's Catharine.
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Wow.
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We've got a picture of her.
Catharine Woodward.
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- [Greg] Catharine Woodward?
- [Alex] You can't win Catharine, though.
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No, apparently there
were some legalities.
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I think the idea is she would sing
the name of the person who wins.
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- I think.
- Shit.
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[Alex] There she is, she's an opera
singer. She's got a CV.
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She's got two things on the CV.
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[laughter]
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There are two singing
things on the CV.
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She's sung in two operas?
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Well, operas are very long.
It takes ages.
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[laughter]
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It's a very good idea. I look forward
to her singing someone's name.
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You.
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- Hello, Greg. Nice to see you.
- [Greg] Hi, Nish.
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Welcome to the show. What noise-
making object have you brought?
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Well, I have brought a CD with a looped
recording of my own laugh on it.
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[Greg] Wow.
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[high-pitched laugh plays]
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Funny and interesting.
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[laughter]
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Um, the description was
an excellent noise.
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It is an-- I mean--
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If you stretch excellent
to include the words
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- pungent and awful.
- Awful, upsetting?
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- Harrowing.
- Grating.
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It certainly is distinctive, Gregory.
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[laughter]
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Sally Phillips, what excellent noise-
making thing have you brought in?
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It's a... a youth disperser.
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So it's a sound that is appalling
to hear if you're under 24.
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If you're over 24, you
can't hear it at all.
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Wow.
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It's called The Mosquito.
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- The Mosquito.
- Yeah.
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Great, well, I hate young people,
so that's wonderful.
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[laughter]
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What's the age cut-off, Sally?
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- I think it's 24.
- 24. Who's below 24?
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Right, let's smoke these pricks out.
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[laughter and applause]
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Yes, it's only people
under 25 can hear.
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It's a screeching noise similar
to nails down a blackboard.
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- 15.5 kilohertz.
- Wow.
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But legally, we're not
allowed to play it.
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[laughter]
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So, do you want to start in
last place or first place?
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I'd like to start in
first place, please.
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OK, who's brought in the
most excellent noise?
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I think anyone who brings
a human being in
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as a prize has got to
take first place.
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I'm gonna give it to Mark Watson.
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[applause]
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With every year that passes,
I despise the youth more.
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So I'm putting Sally Phillips
in second place.
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- Second place, four points.
- Yeah.
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[applause]
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- Three left.
- Yes, Aisling Bea.
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Because I love the air horn.
It reminds me of the 80s.
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- And that is my justification.
- That's good for me.
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- [Greg] Right.
- [Alex] Right.
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I'm putting Bob next.
I did love the noise,
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but it's just the fact that it was
claiming to be a blackbird.
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It's the object's fault,
Bob, not yours.
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And Nish is in last place.
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I'm not gonna justify it because
he's already annoying me.
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[laughter]
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- Let's get this series truly under way.
- OK.
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What task have we chosen to
kick it all off, Alex?
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Well, Greg, what do you do to me
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every morning, for one hour,
against my will?
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I let you take the dry
skin off my feet.
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[laughter]
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That's true, but it's also a cuddle.
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You give me a cuddle, and we're
now gonna give them a cuddle.
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As in, the TV audience,
through the...
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You ready?
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[both] Yes.
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How's it hangin'?
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I'm fine.
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Thank you.
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"Give Alex a special cuddle."
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Oh, no. I knew it.
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"Most special cuddle wins."
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Oh, Alex.
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"You have 20 minutes."
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- My time starts now.
- Mm-hm.
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I mean, my instinct is to
remove all my clothes,
190
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but I think that that's just more...
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My general instinct is to do
that in any given scenario.
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[laughing] Have you got
a change of clothes?
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W-what do you want me to wear?
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I mean, I have fallen slightly in
love with you over the weeks.
195
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Jeeesus, this is awful.
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Will you just do whatever I say?
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- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.
198
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Oh, that's good.
199
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I'll be right back.
200
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[applause]
201
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Interesting that your
instinct, Aisling,
202
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,050
was to presume that this is
Alex's way of getting
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- away with some kind of assault.
- Well, if you'd come with me into a room...
204
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And, you know, I'm a streetwise gal,
205
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and there's plastic everywhere
and a white man and a camera,
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you're like, "I'm gonna have
to wank this guy off."
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[laughter]
208
00:08:33,530 --> 00:08:35,300
There was an awkward
atmosphere from that point,
209
00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:36,530
for the next four or five months.
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[laughter]
211
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I was just excited.
212
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[laughter]
213
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Bring it on!
214
00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:47,480
I've become like the
white suited guy,
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I'm thinking, "Here's an
attractive young man."
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Yeah.
217
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[laughter]
218
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But not, you know, "Let's spend
a bit of time together."
219
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[low voice] "You're gonna need
a change of clothes."
220
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,820
[laughter]
221
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Hell of an opener.
222
00:09:00,150 --> 00:09:01,740
Thank you.
223
00:09:01,740 --> 00:09:03,370
Good, who are we gonna see first?
224
00:09:03,370 --> 00:09:07,200
I think we liked his laugh so much,
we should start with Nish Kumar.
225
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,300
Exciting.
226
00:09:09,370 --> 00:09:10,470
Hello, Alex.
227
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:12,580
How are you?
228
00:09:13,370 --> 00:09:14,470
Excited.
229
00:09:16,150 --> 00:09:17,960
There we go. That's perfect.
230
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,350
Now, this is a little rest for your head.
231
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Pop your head in that.
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- So come on.
- Are we starting it now?
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Yeah, yeah, let's start the cuddle now.
There you go, pop your head in that.
234
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[audience] Awww.
235
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[Alex] And then what?
Oh, that's nice.
236
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There we go.
237
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That... is a special cuddle.
238
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[applause]
239
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Just seems a fairly route
one choice, I think,
240
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but it looked comfy.
Well, let's ask Alex.
241
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- Was it comfy?
- It was comfy.
242
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It was hot. I prefer room-
temperature cuddles, if any.
243
00:09:51,370 --> 00:09:54,130
But it was soft, it was like cuddling...
244
00:09:54,130 --> 00:09:56,075
you, it was like your
morning cuddles, in a way.
245
00:09:56,075 --> 00:09:58,060
- The padding.
- Yeah.
246
00:09:58,060 --> 00:09:59,530
[laughter]
247
00:09:59,530 --> 00:10:03,440
Yeah, Nish Kumar does have
to get an actual sofa cushion
248
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:07,710
and gaffer-tape it to himself
in order to look like me.
249
00:10:07,710 --> 00:10:09,440
- That's right.
- Yeah.
250
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,330
- [Alex] Little bit.
- Yeah. No points for you.
251
00:10:11,330 --> 00:10:12,970
[laughter]
252
00:10:12,970 --> 00:10:14,800
Let's see if someone did
it better, though.
253
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,950
OK, shall we have a look at
Aisling Bea's cuddle?
254
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,050
Yes, please.
255
00:10:23,130 --> 00:10:26,220
- [laughter]
- [soft music plays]
256
00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:27,640
- [robot voice] Alex.
- Hmm?
257
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,540
You can open your eyes now.
258
00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:33,120
It's me.
259
00:10:34,420 --> 00:10:37,160
Sexy Cuddlebot 5000.
260
00:10:38,150 --> 00:10:39,940
Here is your tea.
261
00:10:42,310 --> 00:10:45,710
I just want you to be so relaxed.
262
00:10:45,710 --> 00:10:48,250
And really feel good about yourself.
263
00:10:49,020 --> 00:10:52,710
Ideally that candle
would be blown out.
264
00:10:52,710 --> 00:10:55,260
So I don't burn myself.
265
00:10:55,260 --> 00:10:57,795
- Should I blow it out?
- Could you blow it out, please, yes.
266
00:10:57,795 --> 00:11:01,770
Now that we finally have
that candle blown out
267
00:11:01,770 --> 00:11:04,250
and we can be alooone.
268
00:11:05,020 --> 00:11:08,910
I'm gonna cuddle you reeeal goood.
269
00:11:08,910 --> 00:11:11,615
You can be sure of that.
270
00:11:11,615 --> 00:11:13,510
Cuddle you.
271
00:11:13,510 --> 00:11:15,060
They don't call me...
272
00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:17,160
[laughing] the Cuddlebot...
273
00:11:17,930 --> 00:11:19,200
for nothing.
274
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,840
Is it start-- Oh.
275
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,150
Mmmm. How do you like that?
276
00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:25,550
I like it.
277
00:11:25,550 --> 00:11:27,660
You want more, big boy?
278
00:11:27,660 --> 00:11:29,060
I'll have a little bit more, please.
279
00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:30,250
[Aisling] OK.
280
00:11:31,310 --> 00:11:33,620
A very special cuddle.
281
00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:35,200
Brrrrrrrrrrr.
282
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:36,910
- I don't like that bit.
- [laughter]
283
00:11:36,910 --> 00:11:39,215
Then I will stop. Fair enough.
284
00:11:39,215 --> 00:11:46,360
[laughter and applause]
285
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,410
That's how you do it, right?
286
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:54,510
That's how you respond to feeling a
little bit sexually threatened.
287
00:11:54,510 --> 00:11:59,020
You dress as an overtly
sexual cuddle-robot.
288
00:11:59,020 --> 00:11:59,710
Yeah.
289
00:11:59,710 --> 00:12:01,920
You say things like, "Oo, baby!"
290
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:06,230
And then you mime hoovering
Alex's genitals.
291
00:12:06,970 --> 00:12:10,910
Hoovering up all the...
sex out of his lad.
292
00:12:10,910 --> 00:12:12,200
[Greg] Yeah.
293
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,470
- Yeah, I did definitely...
- [laughter]
294
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,220
I suppose I did feel threatened,
looking back on it now.
295
00:12:20,220 --> 00:12:21,820
[laughter]
296
00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:24,420
And I did use all means
to protect myself.
297
00:12:24,420 --> 00:12:27,380
I slightly misjudged
the situation, sure.
298
00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:30,300
But I'd rather be safe than sorry.
299
00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:32,450
[Greg] Right.
300
00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,330
More cuddles to come, but first,
301
00:12:35,330 --> 00:12:39,670
please give a big round of applause for
the first ad break of the series.
302
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:54,600
Welcome back to the second
part of the first episode
303
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,110
of the fifth series of Taskmaster.
304
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,710
Right, where were we?
Cuddle, Alex?
305
00:12:59,710 --> 00:13:01,550
OK. Can I have a little one?
306
00:13:01,550 --> 00:13:04,280
No, I will only cuddle
you when you're ill.
307
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:05,440
Very ill.
308
00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:06,800
[laughter]
309
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:07,800
I look forward to that.
310
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,430
So, next up, it's Sally's cuddle.
311
00:13:11,130 --> 00:13:12,230
Here we go.
312
00:13:16,460 --> 00:13:17,420
Lie down.
313
00:13:17,420 --> 00:13:18,740
- Lie down?
- Yeah.
314
00:13:20,110 --> 00:13:22,740
- So, Alex...
- Mm-hm?
315
00:13:22,740 --> 00:13:24,420
- That's nice.
- Yeah?
316
00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:26,400
It's not good, it's not special enoguh.
317
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,510
We're gonna go for every
possible sense of special.
318
00:13:29,510 --> 00:13:32,170
First, I'll give you a bread eye-mask.
319
00:13:32,170 --> 00:13:33,270
Oh.
320
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:37,240
I want you to just think
of a happy memory...
321
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,460
while I sprinkle you with lettuce.
322
00:13:39,460 --> 00:13:41,680
[laughter]
323
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,050
Relaxing salad.
324
00:13:44,170 --> 00:13:46,150
So I've got an out-of-date
chocolate cake.
325
00:13:46,150 --> 00:13:47,250
Oh, lovely.
326
00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:50,330
[she laughs]
327
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,870
This is gonna go in one armpit.
328
00:13:53,370 --> 00:13:55,540
[he gasps and laughs]
329
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,920
[she laughs]
330
00:14:07,910 --> 00:14:09,720
[she laughs]
331
00:14:12,910 --> 00:14:16,440
Oh, that's nice. Lovely.
That's special.
332
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,240
Just when I've got a job...
333
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:19,610
Another...
334
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,920
Hm, that's better.
Put a moustache on.
335
00:14:25,570 --> 00:14:26,670
Oh, that's nice.
336
00:14:27,420 --> 00:14:28,880
[he gasps]
337
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:31,680
[laughter]
338
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,160
H-how long have we got?
339
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:34,560
Three seconds, is it?
340
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:37,810
[blows whistle]
341
00:14:38,910 --> 00:14:40,020
Thanks, Sally.
342
00:14:40,020 --> 00:14:41,530
It's a pleasure.
343
00:14:41,530 --> 00:14:45,310
[she laughs]
344
00:14:45,310 --> 00:14:49,925
[cheers and applause]
345
00:14:49,925 --> 00:14:54,640
I suppose we need to get into the
definition of the word "special".
346
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,200
Special for who? That was
very, very special for me.
347
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:57,970
Was it?
348
00:14:57,970 --> 00:14:59,430
Yeah, I had a lovely time.
349
00:15:00,550 --> 00:15:02,770
I put chocolate cake under
each armpit and it made...
350
00:15:02,770 --> 00:15:05,110
- No, I saw that, yeah.
- and in each sock.
351
00:15:05,110 --> 00:15:07,530
And then you said, "I'm gonna
start with a bread eye-mask",
352
00:15:07,530 --> 00:15:08,820
as if it was a thing.
353
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:11,080
[laughter]
354
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,930
You essentially waterboarded
him at the end.
355
00:15:12,930 --> 00:15:15,330
[laughter]
356
00:15:15,330 --> 00:15:17,070
- In my eyes.
- That's how I roll.
357
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:22,770
So, next up, it's the man with hockey
sticks for arms. It's Mark Watson.
358
00:15:22,770 --> 00:15:23,870
[Greg] Ooh.
359
00:15:30,770 --> 00:15:36,220
So I went on the internet and asked,
"How do you cuddle someone?"
360
00:15:36,220 --> 00:15:37,550
So this is sort of...
361
00:15:37,550 --> 00:15:39,320
I mean, it's this sort of thing.
362
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,750
I didn't know how special it
would be if it was...
363
00:15:44,750 --> 00:15:47,565
So I've brought-- I've got
a picture of you and your wife.
364
00:15:47,565 --> 00:15:49,420
[laughter]
365
00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:52,440
Yeah, just so you might feel,
sort of... in a better mood.
366
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,240
You know, cuddle-wise, it just
might make you feel happy.
367
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:56,440
- Hmm.
- Go face to face.
368
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:58,170
So... that sort of...
369
00:15:58,170 --> 00:16:00,400
As I say, I just wanted to be as
thorough as I could, really.
370
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,220
Hmm. What are our legs doing?
371
00:16:02,220 --> 00:16:03,350
Er...
372
00:16:03,350 --> 00:16:05,490
Oh, I got you some grapes.
I've got you a Curly Wurly,
373
00:16:05,490 --> 00:16:07,805
but I don't know if we'll have time,
'cause of the packaging.
374
00:16:07,805 --> 00:16:10,110
But I'm just gonna feed you
a couple of these, Alex.
375
00:16:10,110 --> 00:16:12,260
Bit difficult lying down, I realise, but...
376
00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:14,100
Well, you can have the Curly Wurly.
377
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:16,770
There we go. Um...
378
00:16:17,570 --> 00:16:19,040
This has been really lovely.
379
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,780
Let's just enjoy the time together.
380
00:16:22,350 --> 00:16:25,310
- [laughter]
- Are you happy?
381
00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:27,655
Keeping an eye on the clock.
Three seconds left.
382
00:16:27,655 --> 00:16:28,880
[blows whistle]
383
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,200
Thank you.
384
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:34,680
[applause]
385
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,060
- Thank you, Mark.
- Thanks, Alex.
386
00:16:36,060 --> 00:16:37,180
Did you enjoy it?
387
00:16:44,730 --> 00:16:49,530
[applause]
388
00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:52,280
Sort of Woody Allen's worst
ever film, wasn't it?
389
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,570
The trouble was, it was a
20-minute time limit.
390
00:16:54,570 --> 00:16:56,880
I spent almost all of it
walking him to a river.
391
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,260
So the actual cuddle, there
was hardly any time...
392
00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:01,150
I haven't got an issue with
the setting. It was lovely.
393
00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:04,130
But I was amazed to hear
a 37-year-old man
394
00:17:04,130 --> 00:17:06,075
looking up how to cuddle someone.
395
00:17:06,075 --> 00:17:07,770
There were loads of great tips, actually.
396
00:17:07,770 --> 00:17:09,800
We worked through loads of them,
but there was only time for a couple.
397
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:13,750
You Googled "two men cuddle
by river bank in darkness"?
398
00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:15,430
I've had to change my phone since, yes.
399
00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:19,110
There's one more person. Do you want
to see Bob Mortimer's cuddle?
400
00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:20,210
Ooh.
401
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,620
The banana's in there,
the deodorant's in there.
402
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:30,970
Use them if you want,
I'm fine with that.
403
00:17:30,970 --> 00:17:32,360
So...
404
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:35,110
[laughter]
405
00:17:35,110 --> 00:17:36,210
Come on in.
406
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,400
[Bob laughs]
407
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,710
[Bob] Can you turn your
arse towards me?
408
00:17:42,710 --> 00:17:44,760
Yes, I think that'll be a more snug...
409
00:17:45,770 --> 00:17:47,860
- [Bob] Right, oh.
- [Alex] Yes?
410
00:17:47,860 --> 00:17:48,880
Alex?
411
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:49,710
Yes, Bob?
412
00:17:49,710 --> 00:17:51,975
Would you like to shut the boot lid?
413
00:17:51,975 --> 00:17:53,960
- Yes please, Bob.
- Yes!
414
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:00,750
[Bob giggles]
415
00:18:00,750 --> 00:18:02,730
[both] Oooh!
416
00:18:02,730 --> 00:18:05,310
- [Bob] How does that feel?
- [Alex] Very low.
417
00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:07,040
- [Bob] Too low?
- [Alex] Yes, please.
418
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:09,200
[Bob laughs]
419
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,550
- [Bob] Is that more the midriff, is it?
- [Alex] That's the midriff, yeah.
420
00:18:11,550 --> 00:18:13,040
[Bob] I'm so sorry about that, earlier.
421
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,550
I honestly couldn't
work out me angles.
422
00:18:15,550 --> 00:18:18,550
- Alex, I didn't mean...
- It was quite waisty.
423
00:18:18,550 --> 00:18:19,530
[Bob] There we go, that's nice.
424
00:18:19,530 --> 00:18:21,860
- [Bob] That's just under the breast, isn't it?
- [Alex] Lovely. Yeah, that's nice.
425
00:18:21,860 --> 00:18:26,950
[Bob] I'll give one little squeeze...
and that completes my special cuddle.
426
00:18:26,950 --> 00:18:28,730
[Alex] Right, I'm just holding the
deodorant. Is that right?
427
00:18:28,730 --> 00:18:32,080
[Bob] You can hold it, spray it if
you're getting nauseous.
428
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,370
- [Alex] OK, well we'll just...
- [spraying]
429
00:18:34,370 --> 00:18:36,730
[Bob laughs]
430
00:18:36,730 --> 00:18:38,060
[Bob] Was that the deodorant?
431
00:18:38,060 --> 00:18:39,680
- [Alex] That was the deodorant.
- [Bob] Ah, right.
432
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:46,380
[laughter and applause]
433
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:50,080
Alex told me about this
after it had happened.
434
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:50,530
Yeah.
435
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,220
And he said to me that
you had said to him,
436
00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:56,670
"I have always been looking for an excuse
to get into my own car boot."
437
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,805
It was.
438
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,860
And it wasn't so bad in
there, was it, Alex?
439
00:19:00,860 --> 00:19:02,710
No, you sang "Have You Seen
the Muffin Man?" to me.
440
00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:03,710
I did.
441
00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:05,860
[laughter]
442
00:19:05,860 --> 00:19:07,460
And you wept.
443
00:19:07,460 --> 00:19:09,480
I did, that made me quite sad.
444
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,970
- Did you weep?
- 'Cause of the memories, yeah.
445
00:19:11,970 --> 00:19:13,260
What memories?
446
00:19:13,260 --> 00:19:14,640
My father was a muffin man.
447
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,170
[laughter]
448
00:19:16,170 --> 00:19:16,640
OK.
449
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,200
Do you want to go for most
special cuddle first?
450
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,400
Yes, well, I found myself
genuinely jealous
451
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:22,810
when you were in the boot with Bob.
452
00:19:24,060 --> 00:19:25,510
So I'm putting that in first place.
453
00:19:25,510 --> 00:19:26,430
No way!
454
00:19:26,430 --> 00:19:30,365
[cheers and applause]
455
00:19:30,365 --> 00:19:35,880
And when I get cuddled, I like to be
terrified and fear for my life,
456
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,970
so I'm putting Sally Phillips
in second place.
457
00:19:37,970 --> 00:19:41,030
[applause]
458
00:19:42,060 --> 00:19:45,170
I sort of wanted to be cuddled
by a deranged robot
459
00:19:45,170 --> 00:19:49,460
with a background of bubbles, so I'm
putting Aisling Bea in third place.
460
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:50,650
Yay.
461
00:19:51,750 --> 00:19:54,420
And I cannot separate awkwardness
462
00:19:54,420 --> 00:19:56,970
and a man with a cushion
Sellotaped to himself,
463
00:19:56,970 --> 00:19:59,660
so I'm putting the two
gentlemen in joint final place.
464
00:19:59,660 --> 00:20:01,820
- [Alex] Two points for them?
- [Greg] Two points each.
465
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,570
Not bad! Hey, we're doing alright.
466
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:05,750
- We'll take it.
- Yes!
467
00:20:05,750 --> 00:20:08,460
And so, Alex, can we please
see the scoreboard?
468
00:20:08,460 --> 00:20:10,530
At the moment, the leader
is Sally Phillips!
469
00:20:10,530 --> 00:20:11,550
[Greg] Boom.
470
00:20:11,550 --> 00:20:15,780
[applause]
471
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:20,430
Who says that ramming chocolate cake
into an armpit doesn't pay dividends?
472
00:20:21,460 --> 00:20:22,480
What's next?
473
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:25,875
It's a case of row, row,
row, you don't.
474
00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:27,610
Oh, clever.
475
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,420
- Hello, Alex.
- Oh, hello, Sally.
476
00:20:41,420 --> 00:20:42,950
[Sally] You're looking very brown.
477
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:44,070
You've got a tan.
478
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:45,950
[Alex] So have you.
479
00:20:45,950 --> 00:20:48,440
[Nish] Oh, yeah, but that's
nature's tan, mate.
480
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,770
- Oh, are you naturally like that?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nature's tan.
481
00:20:50,770 --> 00:20:53,000
Oh, I thought you just
always go on holiday.
482
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,570
[laughter]
483
00:20:55,570 --> 00:20:58,090
[Bob] It's my birthday today.
What do you think of that?
484
00:20:58,800 --> 00:20:59,900
[Alex] I quite like it.
485
00:21:00,930 --> 00:21:03,280
- [Bob] I'm 58.
- [Alex] OK.
486
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,740
[Bob] So can you imagine
how wise I am?
487
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,130
Almost there.
488
00:21:09,130 --> 00:21:10,230
Fantastic.
489
00:21:11,530 --> 00:21:13,130
- That's for you.
- Whoa.
490
00:21:13,130 --> 00:21:15,800
[ducks quacking]
491
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:19,150
Shh, I'm trying to read
the tasks, ducks.
492
00:21:19,150 --> 00:21:21,020
"Get Alex onto dry land..."
493
00:21:21,020 --> 00:21:24,220
"as elegantly as possible."
494
00:21:24,220 --> 00:21:25,750
"Alex must remain dry."
495
00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:28,550
[Mark] No mention of me remaining dry.
496
00:21:28,550 --> 00:21:30,730
"You have a maximum
of 20 minutes."
497
00:21:30,730 --> 00:21:33,720
"Alex will hoist the anchor
in two minutes."
498
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,530
And you've got rid of the oar.
499
00:21:36,530 --> 00:21:38,890
Oh. Oh, no.
500
00:21:38,890 --> 00:21:42,240
[applause]
501
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,240
Let's all hold onto our
proverbial horses.
502
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:45,970
It's time for the second
commercial break
503
00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:47,070
See you soon.
504
00:21:57,150 --> 00:21:58,770
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
505
00:21:58,770 --> 00:22:00,750
- Weren't we all afloat, Alex?
- [Alex] Yes.
506
00:22:00,750 --> 00:22:02,570
So, two things that they're
gonna get scored for...
507
00:22:02,570 --> 00:22:04,220
- The speed...
- Mm-hm.
508
00:22:04,220 --> 00:22:06,400
and the elegance.
509
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,550
- Yes, speed and...
- Speed.
510
00:22:08,550 --> 00:22:09,180
Uh-huh.
511
00:22:09,180 --> 00:22:10,800
- and the elegance.
- Yes.
512
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:11,380
Good.
513
00:22:11,380 --> 00:22:14,040
[Alex] OK, shall we start off
with Aisling and Mark?
514
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:15,540
Yes.
515
00:22:15,540 --> 00:22:17,450
Good. Here they are.
516
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,640
- [Aisling] Can I look what's under here?
- [Alex] If you want to.
517
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,640
I'm seeing as elegantly as possible.
518
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,060
What is this?
519
00:22:25,060 --> 00:22:26,930
Bloody coconuts on this show.
520
00:22:26,930 --> 00:22:27,640
Mm-hmm.
521
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:30,420
It's one of those Regatta scarves
like posh English people wear.
522
00:22:30,420 --> 00:22:31,860
[Alex] They're oven gloves.
523
00:22:31,860 --> 00:22:33,510
- [laughter]
- This is gonna come in handy.
524
00:22:33,510 --> 00:22:35,620
There are a lot of things in here.
525
00:22:35,620 --> 00:22:38,900
Now, 'cause it has to be elegant,
here's an umbrella for you.
526
00:22:41,330 --> 00:22:42,430
There you go.
527
00:22:43,660 --> 00:22:46,180
Now I'm going to make a sail,
528
00:22:46,970 --> 00:22:49,305
because that's what sailors do.
529
00:22:49,305 --> 00:22:53,100
Unfortunately, we're drifting towards
some reeds at the moment, aren't we?
530
00:22:54,060 --> 00:22:58,010
Where I'm from, Alex, this would
be what we'd call elegant.
531
00:22:58,770 --> 00:23:02,040
A lady very slowly taking
off her clothes.
532
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:03,770
[Alex] We're not far now.
533
00:23:03,770 --> 00:23:04,820
We're not far, Alex.
534
00:23:04,820 --> 00:23:07,070
Oh, you have taken off your clothes.
I don't know what to do.
535
00:23:07,070 --> 00:23:08,610
Keep your eyes averted.
536
00:23:10,170 --> 00:23:12,820
This is gonna work, 'cause it's
sort of a race against time now,
537
00:23:12,820 --> 00:23:14,460
except that elegance is important.
538
00:23:14,460 --> 00:23:16,760
You've got five minutes
to get to the dry land.
539
00:23:20,530 --> 00:23:22,880
I mean, don't avert your eyes
like you're disgusted.
540
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,700
- Oh.
- Jesus Christ.
541
00:23:26,170 --> 00:23:28,380
I really wish I'd worn
better underwear.
542
00:23:30,620 --> 00:23:33,530
This might not be that elegant,
but it's not too bad, is it?
543
00:23:33,530 --> 00:23:35,630
- Quite keen to get to the pontoon, Mark.
- Oh, yes.
544
00:23:36,510 --> 00:23:38,960
Darling, welcome ashore.
545
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:40,500
Don't feck this up.
546
00:23:42,620 --> 00:23:43,640
[Alex] Stop the clock.
547
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,400
Wa-heeey!
548
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:48,220
Dignity intact! Dignity intact!
549
00:23:48,220 --> 00:23:50,470
[laughter]
550
00:23:52,930 --> 00:23:54,060
OK.
551
00:23:54,060 --> 00:23:55,310
Stop the clock.
552
00:23:55,310 --> 00:23:59,220
[applause]
553
00:23:59,220 --> 00:24:00,975
There's Audrey Hepburn.
554
00:24:00,975 --> 00:24:02,995
- Elegant.
- Elegant.
555
00:24:02,995 --> 00:24:04,770
There's Aisling Bea.
556
00:24:05,810 --> 00:24:06,900
Interesting.
557
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,130
[laughter]
558
00:24:08,130 --> 00:24:09,550
I forgot what knickers I was...
559
00:24:09,550 --> 00:24:12,460
I'm genuinely embarrassed
by my knickers.
560
00:24:12,460 --> 00:24:15,310
- [Greg] I saw your genuine embarrassment.
- What sort of feminist am I that I'm like,
561
00:24:15,310 --> 00:24:19,170
"Oh, my awful yellow... kind
of flower knickers!"
562
00:24:19,170 --> 00:24:21,080
- [Greg] Ahh.
- Oh, awful business, yeah.
563
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,550
White would've been a disaster.
564
00:24:22,550 --> 00:24:25,330
- [laughter]
- Well, I didn't shit myself, Sally.
565
00:24:25,330 --> 00:24:28,110
[laughter]
566
00:24:28,110 --> 00:24:30,260
Great, I mean, how fast was it?
567
00:24:30,260 --> 00:24:31,660
Oh, she was quite swift. It was...
568
00:24:31,660 --> 00:24:34,680
We're looking for elegance and speed,
which is a difficult combination.
569
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,220
Eight minutes, 22 seconds.
570
00:24:37,220 --> 00:24:41,240
Compared to Mark's 17 minutes 45,
571
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:43,420
which we would probably
round up to quite a while.
572
00:24:43,420 --> 00:24:45,130
Well, as you could see,
the problem I had
573
00:24:45,130 --> 00:24:47,970
was that quite a strong wind blew
us almost all the way to France.
574
00:24:47,970 --> 00:24:49,460
- So, uh...
- [laughter]
575
00:24:49,460 --> 00:24:51,075
I should say, it was a lake.
576
00:24:51,075 --> 00:24:52,550
Er, yes, but...
577
00:24:52,550 --> 00:24:54,860
- [laughter]
- [Nish] Very strong wind.
578
00:24:54,860 --> 00:24:56,810
I think you'll find all
lakes do lead to France.
579
00:24:57,680 --> 00:24:58,860
Um, who's next?
580
00:24:58,860 --> 00:25:00,660
We're gonna see Bob and Sally now.
581
00:25:00,660 --> 00:25:02,060
Woo!
582
00:25:02,060 --> 00:25:03,410
Which way is the wind going?
583
00:25:12,770 --> 00:25:14,030
[laughter]
584
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,160
- Which way are we gonna go?
- [Sally laughs]
585
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,440
[Alex] Have you ever punted before?
586
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:23,730
[Sally] Yes.
587
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:24,970
[Alex] Good. Good to know.
588
00:25:24,970 --> 00:25:28,110
- It just feels like we're going...
- We are going the wrong way, it's true.
589
00:25:28,110 --> 00:25:29,820
- I'm trying to turn around.
- OK.
590
00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:31,000
[she laughs]
591
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:31,860
What's the plan, Bob?
592
00:25:31,860 --> 00:25:35,800
I'm gonna attach a reasonably
heavy weight to the rope,
593
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:40,150
and then pull on the rope to bring
us towards the heavy weight.
594
00:25:40,150 --> 00:25:41,570
I think this'll be quite elegant.
595
00:25:41,570 --> 00:25:45,180
It'll be reminiscent of the
Thai prawn farmers.
596
00:25:46,550 --> 00:25:48,550
Are you ready, Alex?
597
00:25:53,710 --> 00:25:54,800
I'm ready.
598
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:57,185
- [Bob screams]
- [laughter]
599
00:25:57,185 --> 00:25:58,860
I thought it would sink.
600
00:25:58,860 --> 00:26:00,340
[Alex] No, that floated.
601
00:26:02,130 --> 00:26:05,630
♪ Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya ♪
602
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:09,655
♪ Michael rowed the boat ashore ♪
603
00:26:09,655 --> 00:26:13,070
♪ Halle-luuu-jah ♪
604
00:26:14,620 --> 00:26:15,730
[Alex] Are we there yet?
605
00:26:15,730 --> 00:26:17,715
[Sally laughs]
606
00:26:17,715 --> 00:26:20,060
- Argh!
- [audience gasps]
607
00:26:20,060 --> 00:26:21,210
[Bob] There you are, sir.
608
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,520
The wonderful island of Capri.
609
00:26:27,070 --> 00:26:28,070
Thank you.
610
00:26:28,150 --> 00:26:30,470
Thank you. Hope you enjoy your stay.
611
00:26:31,770 --> 00:26:35,940
[applause]
612
00:26:36,970 --> 00:26:39,530
Wow, I think Bob summed it up there.
613
00:26:39,530 --> 00:26:43,170
When I think of elegance,
I think of prawn farming.
614
00:26:43,170 --> 00:26:45,130
[laughter]
615
00:26:45,130 --> 00:26:47,910
I think we all thought that brolly
would help us, didn't we?
616
00:26:47,910 --> 00:26:50,040
- Yeah, catch the wind.
- It just didn't.
617
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,280
No, they're used to protect
people from rain.
618
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:55,350
[laughter]
619
00:26:55,350 --> 00:26:56,910
How did Bob do, time-wise?
620
00:26:56,910 --> 00:26:59,420
Well, it took him 12 minutes
and 37 seconds,
621
00:26:59,420 --> 00:27:01,670
and that's to cover 50 yards,
which means he was travelling
622
00:27:01,670 --> 00:27:03,570
at a speed of about
four miles a day.
623
00:27:03,570 --> 00:27:06,750
[laughter]
624
00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:10,060
If he wanted to cross the Atlantic in that
technique, it would take him two years.
625
00:27:10,060 --> 00:27:11,730
[laughter]
626
00:27:11,730 --> 00:27:13,310
- Now, Sally Phillips.
- Sally Phillips.
627
00:27:13,310 --> 00:27:15,750
- Genuinely elegant.
- Yeah.
628
00:27:15,750 --> 00:27:16,950
Lovely bit of punting.
629
00:27:16,950 --> 00:27:19,310
She took exactly ten minutes
and 12 seconds.
630
00:27:19,310 --> 00:27:20,040
Ooh!
631
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,280
It was the most elegant so far,
I think, Sally's.
632
00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:24,080
- Clearly, wasn't it?
- Perfect, I'll note that down.
633
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:27,050
- Who's left?
- We're yet to see Nish Kumar's effort.
634
00:27:29,860 --> 00:27:31,685
[leaf blower whooshes]
635
00:27:31,685 --> 00:27:33,310
Ho ho ho ho ho ho!
636
00:27:33,310 --> 00:27:35,530
[laughter]
637
00:27:35,530 --> 00:27:36,930
[Alex] I am hoisting the anchor.
638
00:27:36,930 --> 00:27:41,070
[whirring]
639
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:46,870
[Alex] Quite elegant.
640
00:27:50,110 --> 00:27:52,070
This is my most elegant position.
641
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:58,390
We're nearly there, Nish.
642
00:27:59,460 --> 00:28:01,680
[laughter]
643
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:03,020
[Nish] Excuse me.
644
00:28:03,020 --> 00:28:04,740
Trying to stay elegant
with it, Alex!
645
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:08,260
[laughter]
646
00:28:08,260 --> 00:28:09,880
That's not very elegant, is it?
647
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,930
- I can feel the wind on my butt crack.
- I could see the wind on your butt crack.
648
00:28:12,930 --> 00:28:14,970
- You could see the wind on my butt crack?
- Little bit.
649
00:28:14,970 --> 00:28:16,300
Please, Alex.
650
00:28:16,300 --> 00:28:18,380
Step forth onto the platform.
651
00:28:19,350 --> 00:28:20,630
Thank you, Nish.
652
00:28:20,630 --> 00:28:21,880
Elegance.
653
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:25,400
[applause]
654
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:26,880
How do you like them apples?!
655
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:30,130
[applause]
656
00:28:30,130 --> 00:28:31,310
What did he say at the end?
657
00:28:31,310 --> 00:28:33,630
He shouted, "How do you
like them apples?"
658
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:37,630
Which is the battle cry
of the elegant man.
659
00:28:37,630 --> 00:28:40,620
That's what I say every time people
see both my butt cheeks.
660
00:28:40,620 --> 00:28:42,750
"How do you like these apples?"
661
00:28:42,750 --> 00:28:44,040
How fast?
662
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:45,140
Very fast.
663
00:28:46,110 --> 00:28:47,700
- OK, tell me how fast?
- Oh, right.
664
00:28:48,820 --> 00:28:50,950
He took four minutes
and five seconds.
665
00:28:50,950 --> 00:28:55,070
[cheers and applause]
666
00:28:55,820 --> 00:28:56,800
First place, is that?
667
00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:57,930
First place, bam.
668
00:28:57,930 --> 00:29:00,070
- Straight in, as far as I'm concerned.
- Nish Kumar. OK.
669
00:29:00,070 --> 00:29:02,240
[applause]
670
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:05,620
And if I wasn't on that boat,
seeing someone's backside,
671
00:29:05,620 --> 00:29:09,550
I would have chosen a snooker-
cue-wielding Sally Phillips.
672
00:29:09,550 --> 00:29:11,800
- Smashing into second place.
- [Alex] OK.
673
00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:14,530
[applause]
674
00:29:14,530 --> 00:29:17,480
I'm gonna put Aisling in third
place, because, you know,
675
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:18,600
got her pants out.
676
00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:20,260
[laughter]
677
00:29:20,260 --> 00:29:21,420
Didn't have a shit.
678
00:29:21,420 --> 00:29:23,510
[applause]
679
00:29:23,510 --> 00:29:26,200
Bob crashing into fourth place.
680
00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:27,330
Fourth place.
681
00:29:27,330 --> 00:29:28,570
[applause]
682
00:29:28,570 --> 00:29:31,340
Mark is the contestant here who looks,
and I hope this isn't disrespectful,
683
00:29:31,340 --> 00:29:32,650
most like a heron.
684
00:29:32,750 --> 00:29:35,020
[laughter]
685
00:29:35,020 --> 00:29:37,910
And you managed to make the heron
look inelegant. It's incredible.
686
00:29:37,910 --> 00:29:40,720
But you got him to shore, so, you
know, I guess you can have a point.
687
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:43,860
There could be quite a lot of,
"I guess you can have a point."
688
00:29:43,860 --> 00:29:46,730
[applause]
689
00:29:46,730 --> 00:29:48,930
Alex, can we please see what
that's done to the scores?
690
00:29:48,930 --> 00:29:52,770
OK, after three tasks...
691
00:29:52,770 --> 00:29:54,440
the scoreboard looks like this.
692
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:55,830
[Greg whistles]
693
00:29:55,830 --> 00:29:57,530
[Greg] Ooh.
694
00:29:57,530 --> 00:29:59,240
[Alex] It's tight, it's tight.
695
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:00,810
- Joint last, baby!
- Yeah.
696
00:30:01,820 --> 00:30:03,860
Sally Phillips maintaining her lead.
697
00:30:03,860 --> 00:30:05,170
OK, on we go then. What's next?
698
00:30:05,170 --> 00:30:08,500
It's a typically Taskmaster
version of basketball.
699
00:30:20,570 --> 00:30:21,830
Ooh, post!
700
00:30:25,420 --> 00:30:27,470
"Get the basketball
through the hoop."
701
00:30:28,370 --> 00:30:29,730
Seems simple.
702
00:30:29,730 --> 00:30:30,770
Ah.
703
00:30:30,770 --> 00:30:32,820
I may not touch the
basketball with my hands,
704
00:30:32,820 --> 00:30:37,440
I may not wear gloves or anything that
could reasonably be construed to be gloves.
705
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,750
Sorry, I'm just having difficulty
with some of the longer words.
706
00:30:40,750 --> 00:30:42,080
[laughter]
707
00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:43,200
"Fastest wins."
708
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:44,950
"Your time starts now."
709
00:30:44,950 --> 00:30:48,600
But does that mean I can use
something that isn't gloves?
710
00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:49,930
Like leaves?
711
00:30:49,930 --> 00:30:53,750
[applause]
712
00:30:53,750 --> 00:30:58,280
I'm glad that we have been very
specific in the setting of that task,
713
00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:01,510
and said that "anything that could
be reasonably construed as gloves",
714
00:31:01,510 --> 00:31:02,950
'cause we've been burned before.
715
00:31:02,950 --> 00:31:06,420
Yeah, so if there's close
hand-to-ball contact going on,
716
00:31:06,420 --> 00:31:07,710
I'm gonna be furious.
717
00:31:07,710 --> 00:31:09,370
[laughter]
718
00:31:09,870 --> 00:31:12,900
[laughter]
719
00:31:14,460 --> 00:31:15,510
Who's up first, Alex?
720
00:31:15,510 --> 00:31:19,310
We're gonna start with two of my
favourite verbs. Bob and Mark.
721
00:31:19,310 --> 00:31:22,530
[laughter]
722
00:31:22,530 --> 00:31:24,270
I've got to give it one go, kicking it.
723
00:31:26,060 --> 00:31:27,610
[audience gasps]
724
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:30,340
I'll give it one more go.
725
00:31:32,510 --> 00:31:34,320
I think I'd better try
and find something.
726
00:31:49,770 --> 00:31:51,710
No, that's not going to work.
727
00:31:51,710 --> 00:31:52,940
That was skillful.
728
00:32:03,860 --> 00:32:06,120
[laughter]
729
00:32:08,570 --> 00:32:10,010
[he laughs]
730
00:32:11,060 --> 00:32:12,625
You knew this was gonna happen.
731
00:32:12,625 --> 00:32:14,210
Now, if we...
732
00:32:17,240 --> 00:32:18,860
- Oh, that's a shame!
- [audience groans]
733
00:32:20,910 --> 00:32:21,910
[Alex] Well done, Bob.
734
00:32:21,910 --> 00:32:23,680
[applause]
735
00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:24,780
Easy...
736
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:34,350
[applause]
737
00:32:34,350 --> 00:32:37,285
The fact that Bob went into the
shed and pulled out a ladder...
738
00:32:37,285 --> 00:32:39,330
He's an intelligent man.
Makes sense.
739
00:32:39,330 --> 00:32:40,170
Mm-hm.
740
00:32:40,170 --> 00:32:41,550
Presumably that ladder was...
741
00:32:41,550 --> 00:32:43,570
- an option for Mark Watson?
- Oh, it's still there.
742
00:32:43,570 --> 00:32:45,520
[laughter]
743
00:32:45,860 --> 00:32:47,750
But you went with a
commode on wheels.
744
00:32:47,750 --> 00:32:48,970
[laughter]
745
00:32:48,970 --> 00:32:50,610
Yeah, it's what they call
nature's ladder.
746
00:32:50,610 --> 00:32:52,150
[laughter]
747
00:32:52,150 --> 00:32:54,530
That brings us to the
end of part three.
748
00:32:54,530 --> 00:32:57,930
Join us in a few minutes for
the final part of the show,
749
00:32:57,930 --> 00:33:01,050
and the first live task of
the series. See you then.
750
00:33:12,750 --> 00:33:16,110
Hello. Great to have you back
here on Taskmaster soil.
751
00:33:16,110 --> 00:33:17,240
Right, where were we, Alex?
752
00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:20,310
Well, our five comics are attempt to
score a basket with a basketball,
753
00:33:20,310 --> 00:33:22,220
but without using their hands.
754
00:33:22,220 --> 00:33:24,395
Do you want to watch two
people with long hair do it?
755
00:33:24,395 --> 00:33:25,550
Do I?
756
00:33:25,550 --> 00:33:28,430
- [laughter]
- Here are Aisling and Sally.
757
00:33:32,750 --> 00:33:35,220
That's not gonna...
I need Sellotape.
758
00:33:35,220 --> 00:33:36,550
[Alex] There's gaffer tape in the shed.
759
00:33:36,550 --> 00:33:38,110
There's gaffer tape in the shed?
760
00:33:38,110 --> 00:33:39,220
[Alex] There's lots of
things in the shed.
761
00:33:39,220 --> 00:33:40,440
Lots of things in the shed?
762
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:50,860
[she grunts]
763
00:33:50,860 --> 00:33:51,960
Shite.
764
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:05,280
Oh, my God, I'm a bloody genius.
765
00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:06,210
Oh, wait--
766
00:34:06,210 --> 00:34:07,280
[laughter]
767
00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:08,170
[she strains]
768
00:34:08,170 --> 00:34:09,730
Good, but they're really heavy.
769
00:34:09,730 --> 00:34:11,200
Oh, I know what.
770
00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:12,625
I know what!
771
00:34:12,625 --> 00:34:14,530
[she grunts]
772
00:34:14,530 --> 00:34:15,630
Next time.
773
00:34:17,820 --> 00:34:18,920
Yeah.
774
00:34:25,530 --> 00:34:26,820
Yes!
775
00:34:26,820 --> 00:34:30,220
[applause]
776
00:34:30,220 --> 00:34:32,320
OK. This is gonna work.
777
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:35,130
[she grunts]
778
00:34:35,130 --> 00:34:36,330
YES!
779
00:34:36,330 --> 00:34:39,170
- [cheers and applause]
- Come on, Ireland!
780
00:34:39,170 --> 00:34:41,730
♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh ♪
781
00:34:41,730 --> 00:34:45,440
[applause]
782
00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:48,770
I don't know if you heard, but Aisling
shouting, "Come on, Ireland."
783
00:34:48,770 --> 00:34:50,170
[laughter]
784
00:34:50,170 --> 00:34:52,770
What better source of national pride...
785
00:34:52,770 --> 00:34:55,310
than a woman using a grass rake...
786
00:34:55,310 --> 00:34:56,330
- and a...
- And a crutch.
787
00:34:56,330 --> 00:34:57,460
And a crutch.
788
00:34:57,460 --> 00:34:58,600
Yeah, yeah.
789
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:00,200
To pop a basketball through a ring.
790
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:01,740
But I'm pretty proud of myself.
791
00:35:01,740 --> 00:35:04,040
I feel like that looks like it
took about two seconds.
792
00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:06,150
There was only nine seconds
between you and Bob.
793
00:35:06,750 --> 00:35:08,930
Was it higher or lower than Bob?
794
00:35:08,930 --> 00:35:10,600
- Oooh.
- Aisling took...
795
00:35:10,600 --> 00:35:12,330
Eight seconds and three minutes.
796
00:35:12,330 --> 00:35:13,510
Three minutes and eight seconds.
797
00:35:13,510 --> 00:35:14,930
- Oooh!
- [laughter]
798
00:35:14,930 --> 00:35:17,600
Alex, you old trickster.
You really had my heart, there.
799
00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:19,000
- They're the other way round.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
800
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:20,440
Bob, two minutes 59.
801
00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:23,640
So Bob, Mark, Aisling,
but then Sally...
802
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:25,005
Do you know what I think?
803
00:35:25,005 --> 00:35:27,040
[laughter]
804
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:28,860
She took two minutes
and five seconds.
805
00:35:28,860 --> 00:35:30,160
- [Alex] Yes.
- What?!
806
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:32,060
Academic.
807
00:35:32,060 --> 00:35:33,460
[laughter]
808
00:35:33,460 --> 00:35:34,860
I'm afraid you're disqualified.
809
00:35:34,860 --> 00:35:36,680
- They were foot-gloves.
- Yeah, it's fair enough.
810
00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:38,420
- Did she get any points at all?
- Zero.
811
00:35:38,420 --> 00:35:40,840
- [audience gasps]
- [Aisling] Greg!
812
00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:42,260
- Oh dear.
- Oooh.
813
00:35:42,260 --> 00:35:44,970
And once again, we've left
Nish Kumar till last.
814
00:35:44,970 --> 00:35:45,620
Uh-oh.
815
00:35:45,620 --> 00:35:47,460
So here he is, last but not least,
816
00:35:47,460 --> 00:35:49,220
in terms of weight, it's Nish...
817
00:35:49,220 --> 00:35:51,220
[laughter]
818
00:35:51,220 --> 00:35:52,320
Kumar!
819
00:35:53,460 --> 00:35:57,740
OK. So, plan A, chip the
basketball into the hoop.
820
00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:09,910
[cheers and applause]
821
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:17,240
YES!
822
00:36:17,240 --> 00:36:18,310
[Alex] Well done, Nish.
823
00:36:18,310 --> 00:36:20,770
How do you like them apples, Horne?
824
00:36:20,770 --> 00:36:22,050
How do you like 'em?
825
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:25,255
Kumar out.
826
00:36:25,255 --> 00:36:27,110
Oh, my God.
827
00:36:27,110 --> 00:36:29,260
Well, well, well.
828
00:36:29,260 --> 00:36:31,890
Looks like last in PE,
829
00:36:31,890 --> 00:36:34,770
first in being a legend.
830
00:36:34,770 --> 00:36:37,080
[laughter]
831
00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:39,800
Well, that was a very dignified
double celebration.
832
00:36:39,800 --> 00:36:42,280
[laughter]
833
00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:45,310
We can see it again, if you want,
with all the other attempts?
834
00:36:45,310 --> 00:36:45,970
What?!
835
00:36:45,970 --> 00:36:47,170
- What, mate?
- [Alex] What?
836
00:36:47,170 --> 00:36:47,880
What, mate?
837
00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:50,910
- I just thought we should see it in full.
- No, we saw the attempt. It's done.
838
00:36:50,910 --> 00:36:54,640
Oh, I cannot wait to see the
celebration after this.
839
00:36:54,640 --> 00:36:57,330
- [audience groans]
- It wasn't what it seemed.
840
00:36:57,330 --> 00:36:58,710
What is this?
841
00:36:58,710 --> 00:37:04,620
OK. So, plan A, chip the
basketball into the hoop.
842
00:37:04,620 --> 00:37:05,720
Alright, here we go.
843
00:37:07,530 --> 00:37:09,250
[laughter]
844
00:37:10,550 --> 00:37:11,905
Argh!
845
00:37:11,905 --> 00:37:13,760
Oh! One more try.
846
00:37:14,820 --> 00:37:16,740
Oh, come on!
847
00:37:17,950 --> 00:37:19,050
What?!
848
00:37:25,570 --> 00:37:26,670
[he screams]
849
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,410
Now it's going that way!
850
00:37:31,910 --> 00:37:33,260
[Alex] Are you enjoying it, Nish?
851
00:37:33,260 --> 00:37:36,520
I am gonna do this if it kills
me and everyone here.
852
00:37:43,750 --> 00:37:45,480
- Where are you going?
- Gonna get a chair.
853
00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:48,520
[laughter]
854
00:37:50,110 --> 00:37:51,770
[Alex] I don't think this
is gonna go in.
855
00:37:51,770 --> 00:37:52,420
[Nish] There we go.
856
00:37:52,420 --> 00:37:54,400
[Alex] Well, it's just I've seen
you do it 43 times.
857
00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:55,570
Forty-three?!
858
00:37:55,570 --> 00:37:57,100
Forty-four's the charm, Horne.
859
00:37:59,060 --> 00:38:00,160
Fifty's the charm.
860
00:38:03,420 --> 00:38:07,960
[cheers and applause]
861
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:10,440
How do you like them apples?
862
00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:13,040
[laughter]
863
00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:14,200
You got there in the end, though.
864
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,770
Yeah, I did get there in the end.
Remember how great it felt?
865
00:38:16,770 --> 00:38:19,310
Yeah, I wish they could do
that with all sport.
866
00:38:19,310 --> 00:38:21,730
Just, like, edit out the
first 90 minutes,
867
00:38:21,730 --> 00:38:24,820
and then leave, like, a goal,
and we all know who wins.
868
00:38:24,820 --> 00:38:27,580
Aisling, I think you'll find
it wasn't 90 minutes.
869
00:38:28,370 --> 00:38:30,080
- It wasn't far off, I imagine.
- It wasn't far off.
870
00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:31,480
[laughter]
871
00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:33,770
[Alex] It was 28 minutes
and 19 seconds.
872
00:38:33,770 --> 00:38:35,910
- Whoa, Nish!
- Some more stats?
873
00:38:35,910 --> 00:38:37,710
I want as many stats as
you can throw at him.
874
00:38:37,710 --> 00:38:40,170
He mentioned Groundhog
Day four times.
875
00:38:40,170 --> 00:38:41,660
[laughter]
876
00:38:41,660 --> 00:38:43,910
The mention of Groundhog Day
is a Groundhog Day moment.
877
00:38:43,910 --> 00:38:44,680
Oh my God!
878
00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:46,240
He claimed the ball
was racist twice.
879
00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:49,530
[laughter]
880
00:38:49,530 --> 00:38:52,880
You cannot be playing that
card during this game.
881
00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:53,770
[Mark] Every time.
882
00:38:53,770 --> 00:38:57,910
As I say, I was just seeing the
facts as they were in front of me.
883
00:38:57,910 --> 00:39:00,620
I am brown. The ball
was not going in.
884
00:39:00,620 --> 00:39:02,950
Quid pro quo, racist ball.
885
00:39:02,950 --> 00:39:04,130
[laughter]
886
00:39:04,130 --> 00:39:06,410
Fifty-two attempts, four
of which were close.
887
00:39:07,970 --> 00:39:09,350
[he laughs]
888
00:39:09,350 --> 00:39:11,680
Just tell us the order they came in,
according to their times.
889
00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:12,740
So Sally gets zero.
890
00:39:12,740 --> 00:39:15,350
I'm very sorry, Sally. I won't
disqualify you again,
891
00:39:15,350 --> 00:39:16,770
just 'cause I like being popular.
892
00:39:16,770 --> 00:39:19,280
Next, Nish with two points,
893
00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:21,480
then it goes Aisling, Mark,
and then Bob gets five points.
894
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:22,620
- Bang!
- There it is.
895
00:39:22,620 --> 00:39:26,150
[cheers and applause]
896
00:39:26,150 --> 00:39:27,550
Hey, Alex. A bit of business.
897
00:39:27,550 --> 00:39:29,130
Scoreboard time, was it?
898
00:39:29,130 --> 00:39:30,510
[laughter]
899
00:39:30,510 --> 00:39:33,040
Yes, it's scoreboard time, and...
900
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,150
there's a three-way tie
for second place.
901
00:39:35,150 --> 00:39:36,820
Bob is now in the lead
with 14, though.
902
00:39:36,820 --> 00:39:38,295
[Greg] Whoa!
903
00:39:38,295 --> 00:39:41,070
- [Nish] Still bringing up the rear.
- [applause]
904
00:39:42,260 --> 00:39:43,970
Just one thing left to do, then.
905
00:39:43,970 --> 00:39:45,660
For the first time this series,
906
00:39:45,660 --> 00:39:48,020
will you please all make
your way to the stage
907
00:39:48,020 --> 00:39:50,470
for the final task of the show!
908
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:58,250
[applause]
909
00:40:00,060 --> 00:40:04,570
Five delightful people sitting with a
lovely bowl of fruit and other items.
910
00:40:04,570 --> 00:40:06,920
Sally, would you read
the task out, please?
911
00:40:10,150 --> 00:40:13,110
"Get one item of fruit
into the fish bowl."
912
00:40:13,110 --> 00:40:15,260
"You may not leave or
move your chair."
913
00:40:15,260 --> 00:40:18,550
"You may not throw your
fruit. Fastest wins."
914
00:40:18,550 --> 00:40:20,120
[he groans]
915
00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:22,110
Piss and shit.
916
00:40:22,110 --> 00:40:24,020
[laughter]
917
00:40:24,020 --> 00:40:25,330
Everyone ready? Ready, Greg?
918
00:40:25,330 --> 00:40:26,340
Oh, God, I'm ready.
919
00:40:26,340 --> 00:40:27,460
- [Alex] Good luck.
- Blow your whistle.
920
00:40:27,460 --> 00:40:28,460
[blows whistle]
921
00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:34,580
- [Alex] Oh, he's kicking it.
- [Greg] Try it another 52 times.
922
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:36,660
[Alex] Oh, oh...
923
00:40:36,660 --> 00:40:38,140
Watch your foot.
Watch your face!
924
00:40:39,750 --> 00:40:42,170
[cheers and applause]
925
00:40:42,170 --> 00:40:43,640
It's not thrown!
926
00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:45,450
- [Nish] What?!
- [Aisling] Who got that in?
927
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:47,625
[Sally] Oh, my word.
928
00:40:47,625 --> 00:40:54,140
[cheers and applause]
929
00:40:54,140 --> 00:40:55,530
What are you doing, Nish?
930
00:40:55,530 --> 00:40:57,210
Two can play at that game,
Mortimer!
931
00:41:00,060 --> 00:41:02,720
God, I hate this program!
932
00:41:03,660 --> 00:41:05,870
[Nish] I hate it! I wish I'd
gone to law school!
933
00:41:08,130 --> 00:41:10,050
[audience groans]
934
00:41:11,150 --> 00:41:13,080
[Bob] What are you building, Sally?
935
00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:14,080
[Sally] I don't know!
936
00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:15,180
[Nish] It's on.
937
00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:18,600
Yes, mate! Yes, mate!
938
00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:21,900
[applause]
939
00:41:22,710 --> 00:41:23,710
Here goes the coconut.
940
00:41:23,710 --> 00:41:25,230
- Oh, no.
- No, it doesn't.
941
00:41:26,750 --> 00:41:28,770
[laughter]
942
00:41:28,770 --> 00:41:30,110
- [Alex] Maybe...
- [Nish] Oooh!
943
00:41:30,110 --> 00:41:32,450
[audience gasps]
944
00:41:35,170 --> 00:41:37,950
Go on, coconut!
945
00:41:37,950 --> 00:41:40,440
- [audience gasps]
- Oh, you prick. OK.
946
00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:41,480
[Alex] What are you doing, Sally?
947
00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:42,480
I don't know.
948
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:44,260
[laughter]
949
00:41:44,260 --> 00:41:46,510
Sally, are you sure you don't
want to use the...
950
00:41:46,510 --> 00:41:47,310
What's that?
951
00:41:47,310 --> 00:41:48,800
It's a pipe connector.
952
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:54,060
[laughter and applause]
953
00:41:54,060 --> 00:41:55,420
Oh, my God!
954
00:41:55,420 --> 00:41:58,000
See, this is how it was,
me with the basketball.
955
00:41:58,000 --> 00:41:58,530
Oh!
956
00:41:58,530 --> 00:42:00,610
[audience gasps]
957
00:42:01,750 --> 00:42:02,440
No!
958
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:07,610
[cheers and applause]
959
00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:09,710
[whistle blows]
960
00:42:09,710 --> 00:42:11,310
- We have found our last place.
- Nooo!
961
00:42:11,310 --> 00:42:12,540
[Alex] There we go.
962
00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:15,930
I'm sorry, Aisling. I'm sorry.
963
00:42:15,930 --> 00:42:18,685
Well, that was really lovely.
964
00:42:18,685 --> 00:42:20,420
Why don't you all come
back down here
965
00:42:20,420 --> 00:42:22,740
and we'll see how that's
affected the final scores?
966
00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:30,110
[applause]
967
00:42:30,110 --> 00:42:32,000
How are the scores looking
after that madness?
968
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:33,930
Oh, I'll quickly run down
the finishing times,
969
00:42:33,930 --> 00:42:36,240
if that's alright, 'cause there were
some spectacular times scored.
970
00:42:36,240 --> 00:42:39,480
Sally slid it in after three
minutes and 40 seconds.
971
00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:42,170
Nish nicked Bob's technique
and sort of poked
972
00:42:42,170 --> 00:42:44,530
a pear in after one minute
and nine seconds.
973
00:42:44,530 --> 00:42:46,080
Bob, 20 seconds with his.
974
00:42:46,080 --> 00:42:46,880
- [Greg] Wow.
- 20 seconds.
975
00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:49,010
- [applause]
- [Alex] Incredible.
976
00:42:50,970 --> 00:42:53,530
Mark Watson, it's been adjudicated
by me that he didn't throw it.
977
00:42:53,530 --> 00:42:55,400
- You'd flicked it in...
- Yeah, it wasn't thrown.
978
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:57,800
in 12 seconds. Imagine that.
979
00:42:57,800 --> 00:42:59,020
Wow.
980
00:42:59,020 --> 00:43:01,770
Yeah, I flicked it off a thing,
like a heron would.
981
00:43:01,770 --> 00:43:03,280
- Yeah, yeah.
- Like a heron.
982
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:06,095
- [laughter]
- A heron's throw.
983
00:43:06,095 --> 00:43:07,640
And what about Aisling?
984
00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:10,020
I've written DNF. Did not finish.
985
00:43:10,020 --> 00:43:12,000
- Did not finish.
- [Greg] Aw, DNF.
986
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:14,860
You still get one point, because we
think you would have finished.
987
00:43:14,860 --> 00:43:16,310
[laughter]
988
00:43:16,310 --> 00:43:19,680
So, all that means we do have
the first winner of the series.
989
00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:20,800
Oh, thank God.
990
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:23,200
As you can see from this
scoreboard here.
991
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:25,240
- [Nish] Argh!
- [Aisling] Whoa!
992
00:43:25,240 --> 00:43:29,330
[cheers and applause]
993
00:43:29,330 --> 00:43:31,510
Bob is the winner of the first show.
994
00:43:31,510 --> 00:43:36,150
Please, Bob, head to the stage and
grab your noisy bits and pieces!
995
00:43:36,150 --> 00:43:36,970
Thank you!
996
00:43:36,970 --> 00:43:39,070
[applause]
997
00:43:40,020 --> 00:43:41,370
So, what have we learnt today?
998
00:43:41,370 --> 00:43:44,550
We have learnt that if you
cuddle any of these people,
999
00:43:44,550 --> 00:43:46,170
you're probably gonna get hurt.
1000
00:43:46,170 --> 00:43:49,830
And we've learnt that Mark Watson
looks like a fucking heron.
1001
00:43:50,950 --> 00:43:53,480
But most importantly, we've
learnt that the winner
1002
00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:56,730
of the first episode
of series five is...
1003
00:43:56,730 --> 00:44:01,600
♪ Bo-o-ob Mortime-e-er ♪
1004
00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:07,240
[cheers and applause]
1005
00:44:07,240 --> 00:44:09,620
Thank you, everyone. Good night!
1006
00:44:09,620 --> 00:44:12,460
[cheers and applause]
1007
00:44:12,460 --> 00:44:20,460
♪ Bo-o-ob Mortime-e-er ♪
1008
00:44:32,825 --> 00:44:37,630
[subtitles by tribbletown]