1 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:09,277 Ah. Misery me. 2 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:15,270 (SIGHING LOUDLY) 3 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:36,390 (SIGHING) 4 00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:52,994 Beggars belief, doesn't it? 5 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:56,550 We haven't got one decent candle in the whole house. 6 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,359 Don't know how long this lot are going to last. 7 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:07,552 —Don't know where to put them for the best. —I know where I'd like to put them. 8 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,551 Just be patient. 9 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,474 I expect it'll come back on any minute. 10 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:15,550 (SIGHING) 11 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:19,679 And stop sighing like that. You're sucking up all the oxygen. 12 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:31,277 Typical, isn't it? The hottest day of the bloody year. 13 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:37,476 What a good job we bought these three giant Chillmaster electric fans last week. 14 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:41,758 They're just the ticket for a night like this. 15 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:50,397 —I have a good mind to go to bed. —Well, why don't you? 16 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:55,550 I wouldn't sleep this early. I never get off till about 3:00 in the morning as it is. 17 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,072 Just lying there all tense and jittery. 18 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,719 Don't I know it. 19 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:06,115 The way you were twitching about on your stomach last night like a porpoise having a seizure. 20 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:11,312 Squirming about with your bottom all clenched up to kingdom come. 21 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,830 God knows what you were dreaming about. 22 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:17,356 I told you not to watch Deliverance before you went to bed. 23 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,791 There'll be claw marks on that headboard now for evermore. 24 00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:28,709 Some people grind their teeth in their sleep. You grind your buttocks. 25 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,073 Yes, all right. 26 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:34,073 I could have sharpened a pencil up there last night. 27 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,070 I said, all right. 28 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:40,757 I don't want to be reminded about it, thank you very much. 29 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:46,669 And don't open that window. We'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes. 30 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,237 It's the same every summer. 31 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:53,837 That ruddy ornamental pond of hers across the road turns into a public health hazard. 32 00:02:57,040 --> 00:03:00,271 No, perhaps I'll just stick my head in the fish tank. 33 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,749 I mean, what am I supposed to do? 34 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,833 It's like a bake house in here. 35 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:13,238 Look at these chrysanths. Three days and wilting already. 36 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,955 Never mind plant food. I should give you a sachet of Viagra. 37 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:21,838 Bloody things. 38 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:23,550 (GRUNTING) 39 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:29,190 I got that sharp pain all down my front again. 40 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:31,996 You can't tell me that's wind. 41 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,878 All those monkey nuts you were eating in the bath, 42 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,600 I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone. 43 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,839 Lying there with all the little husks floating about like canoes. 44 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,196 No wonder you didn't finish your tea. 45 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:49,036 Yes, well, I needed a bath after buggering about all morning with that new lawn mower. 46 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:56,191 Three words destined to strike fear into any man. 47 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,479 "Easy home assembly." 48 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,917 Just putting the grass box together took four hours. 49 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:09,034 Every time you got a bit to stay in, so another bit would pop out. 50 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:13,034 I'll be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings in my sleep tonight. 51 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:16,558 Doesn't matter how much you pay for something nowadays, 52 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,280 they still expect you to put it together. 53 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,872 "Yes. Here's your boarding pass for the flight to Rome, Mr Meldrew. 54 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,590 "You'll find the plane lying in a flat pack at Gate 13. 55 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,393 "Complete with a full set of instructions." 56 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,439 Same with that lampshade I put up the other day. 57 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,558 The chains on that were all lopsided. 58 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:47,036 So you've told me, about 100 times. 59 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:55,550 (SIGHING WITH RELIEF) 60 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,717 Wonder fl R's ("John's Syndrome. 61 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,633 Will you stop prodding at it? 62 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,991 You've been to the doctor's. 63 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,152 He's given you a thorough checkup all over. 64 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,958 Yes, that was another thing. 65 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,920 I got undressed and suddenly he starts staring at my feet 66 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,352 and whistling as though he's never seen anything like it. 67 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:28,956 He said, "Do you mind if I take a photo of these for The Lancet?" 68 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,675 —I mean, what was that all about? —Well, why didn't you ask him? 69 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,912 Well, I didn't like to, in case it was something hideous. 70 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,793 Something else I've got to worry about. 71 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,838 Both burning up. I can tell you that much. 72 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:49,510 (MOANING) 73 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:54,879 I wish I had bought that foot spa now we saw in Debenhams. 74 00:05:55,640 --> 00:06:00,077 Could have that lovely water whirling all over them and freshening them up. 75 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,472 Any minute now, the cap. 76 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,800 And if I ever find the bastards who did this, 77 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,759 they'll know about it, I can tell you that much. 78 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:50,233 Coming to it, when you can't put your cap down on a pub table to go to the toilet 79 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,398 without someone stubbing a cigarette out in it. 80 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,592 If that's what happened. 81 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:59,674 Well, I don't imagine it's a moth with a very healthy appetite. 82 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,996 Some yob's idea of an hilarious prank. 83 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:09,476 Why don't you go upstairs and do your Tai Chi? It might help you relax. 84 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:13,713 It doesn't help me relax. It makes me feel like a complete idiot. 85 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,909 Well, Mr and Mrs Elsberry swear by it. 86 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,798 Thought when they came over to give you some lessons, 87 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,837 the three of you were getting on quite well together. 88 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,639 We looked like Wilson, Keppel and Betty. 89 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:30,235 I got up at 6:00 this morning to go and do it in the park where no one could see me 90 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:31,754 and what happened? 91 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,753 I did that thing where you have to squat right down 92 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,911 and I couldn't get back up again. 93 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,152 Had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee. 94 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,036 I won't be trying that again. 95 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,550 They say that hot air rises, don't they? 96 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,995 Wonder if it's any cooler down here. 97 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,230 (SIGHING) 98 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:18,474 Good book? 99 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:20,953 Extremely. 100 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,999 And I've just got to the interesting bit. So, if you don't mind... 101 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:27,435 (SIGHING) 102 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,912 Got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night. 103 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,832 Great Aunt Joyce and Uncle Dick. 104 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,239 I wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one. 105 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,118 I expect so, yes. 106 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,958 I knew we were in for a pleasant evening when he came in and said, 107 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,190 "Where shall I put the spittoon?" 108 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:03,109 Told him to make himself feel at home, so he took his false arm off. 109 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:07,194 And said, "Ah, that's better." 110 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,350 Didn't know where to look. 111 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,512 He was using it as a back scratcher at one point. 112 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,834 -Oh, do you remember? —Yes. 113 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,958 I mean, that's all you want to hear half way through a meal, isn't it? 114 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:31,396 "Don't make her laugh too much. Her glass eye is a bit loose." 115 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:39,079 Right in a plate of salad. 116 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,075 And the eyesight's not that good in the other one. 117 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,959 Shouting, "It's all right. I've got it." 118 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,949 Thought we'd never prise that cherry tomato out of the socket. 119 00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:01,039 It's bad enough with the lawn mower 120 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:04,476 without having to put the dinner guests back together. 121 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:08,750 (SIGHING LOUDLY) 122 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:14,118 If it's no better than this tomorrow, 123 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,559 I may have to emigrate. 124 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:21,316 Oh, what did the forecast say? Perhaps it'll be a bit cooler. 125 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,154 Yes, and perhaps it'll be hotter still. 126 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:28,072 You know I never watch the weather forecasts. 127 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,273 If it's a nice morning and they say it's going to be worse in the afternoon, 128 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,590 how can you enjoy the morning? 129 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,790 Best not to know about it. 130 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,675 It's the same with life in general. 131 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:45,039 There are certain things you don't ever want to think about. 132 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,599 What sort of things? 133 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,479 Well, I don't want to think about them, do I? 134 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,279 And it's the only way you can go on, isn't it? 135 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,636 From one moment to the next. 136 00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:01,239 I mean, if you knew now, 137 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,472 all the horrible things that were going to happen... 138 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:15,392 For the love of buggery. 139 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:19,951 What did I say to you about making sure you put those screws in properly? 140 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,558 —Oh! —You know what a hell of a weight this thing is. 141 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:24,750 (GROANING) 142 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:27,715 Is it still in one piece? 143 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,836 I daren't look. 144 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:40,557 I suppose we should be glad it fell on something soft. 145 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:46,039 Yes, it's lucky I hadn't had a sachet of Viagra. 146 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,430 It could have been smashed to smithereens. 147 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:51,679 Don't be coarse. 148 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,833 I mean, three and a half days it had to do that. 149 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:58,629 But no. It had to come down just at that moment. 150 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:00,830 (GROANING) 151 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:15,914 And my chest's all horrible and sticky. 152 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,234 Seems as if it's gone all crisp everywhere now. 153 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:23,109 I'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer you've been squirting on. 154 00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:28,756 Enough to glue up a yak. 155 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:33,870 Hair lacquer? Thanks very much for pointing that out to me. 156 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,190 You should look at things more carefully in the first place. 157 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,317 You are hot. I'm hot. 158 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:42,030 There's nothing we can do about it until the power comes back on. 159 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,679 And when will that be? 160 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,559 I expect it'll come back on any minute. 161 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:51,116 Now, do you mind? 162 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:01,790 (EXHALING LOUDLY) 163 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,951 (UNFOLDING NEWSPAPER LOUDLY) 164 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:18,194 Is that the one where the murderer fires a crossbow through the keyhole? 165 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:24,358 It's a very good one, if I remember rightly. 166 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:30,915 What? 167 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:32,953 Why do I bother? 168 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:37,110 I have no idea sometimes. 169 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:39,999 But all that happens at the beginning, surely? 170 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:45,271 Or do you only find out about it at the end? 171 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,918 Ah, yes. 172 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,158 Sorry about that. 173 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,719 Do you mind if I borrow the torch now? 174 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,236 If you've finished with it. 175 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:08,349 Thanks. 176 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:19,434 Oh, there's a man here who never throws his urine away. 177 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,671 Belongs to a religious sect 178 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,593 that regard it as a sacred bodily fluid 179 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:28,149 containing part of the human soul. 180 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:33,318 Kept everything he's ever passed since October 1973. 181 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,878 All bottled up in a huge wine cellar. 182 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:43,270 And now, apparently, Leicestershire County Council are getting a court order to have it removed. 183 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:46,750 "Said Mr Hibbert, 48, 184 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,514 "'It's not the first time people have tried to take the piss. 185 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:54,117 Oh, you just love finding things like that in the paper, don't you? 186 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:59,920 I'm only reading what it says. 187 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:04,599 Right up your street, that sort of thing. Just tickles you to death. 188 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:13,997 Read in here the other day, we'll soon be able to go to the toilet over the internet. 189 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,872 I mean, how the hell is that supposed to work? 190 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:23,551 I don't know why I buy the bloody thing sometimes. 191 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,350 (MOSQUITO BUZZING) 192 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,036 Oh, God, what did I tell you? 193 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,839 Now, where's the insect repellent? 194 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,156 I think I left it in the car. 195 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,953 Don't... You're not opening that front door. 196 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,192 Well, what's the difference? They're in here now, anyway. 197 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,679 VICTOR: And what the hell do you think you're playing at? 198 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,671 That's my bloody... Up, move it! 199 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:00,991 This hasn't been parked here for your recreation, for God's sakes. 200 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,631 Stop doing that while I'm talking to you. 201 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,794 (INDISTINCT MUMBLING) 202 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,354 Get out of there! 203 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,437 ...law down here. 204 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,239 I've never seen this sort of carry on in my life! Go on! 205 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,000 You! Get your toes out of my headrest! 206 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,349 ...will know about it, I can tell you. 207 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:25,670 (DOOR CLOSING) 208 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:30,591 Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit, I don't know what does! 209 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,239 Did you see that? 210 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:34,516 Young bloke from down the road with his girlfriend 211 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,513 only having sex in the back seat of our car. 212 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,116 Well, I had forgotten to close the sun roof. 213 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:45,990 Bold as brass, just merrily getting on with it without a thought for my suspension. 214 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,872 They didn't even stop when I opened the door. 215 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,630 Stark naked, the pair of them. 216 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:57,634 And he had the cheek to tell me to go and put some clothes on. 217 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,473 Said I was lowering the whole tone of the area. 218 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,071 It's that poor butcher's son, Kevin. 219 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,879 You see, they don't care any more, youngsters like that. 220 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,600 Butcher his pork next time I see him. 221 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,558 Clothes all over the front seat. 222 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,632 And I daren't tell you what I found on the gear stick. 223 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:18,950 God! 224 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,920 Completely wore myself out now, with all that. 225 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:29,795 Oh, I'm sorry, Margaret. 226 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,994 I've had it with the human race. 227 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,240 I'm going to become a registered hermit. 228 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,752 Who was it said, 229 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,031 "Hell is other people"? 230 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,680 Mrs Smedley at number 14. 231 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,552 —Was it? —Just after she got back from Benidorm. 232 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,509 And she's got enough on her plate with that mother and father of his living there. 233 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,352 I don't know how she copes. 234 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,909 Don't know when I last saw him. 235 00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:01,553 Didn't someone say he's actually so fat he can't get out the front door now? 236 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,476 How ever much must he weigh? 237 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:05,994 Don't know. 238 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:10,671 I think it's got something to do with all the tablets he has to take. Poor old soul. 239 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:13,358 I know the neighbours have been complaining. 240 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:17,229 When she hangs his underpants out to dry, they lose an hour's daylight. 241 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:24,437 I'll be reporting that little incident to the parents concerned. Don't you worry. 242 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:28,791 Bloody yobbery. Morning, noon and night. 243 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:29,870 (MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY) 244 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,318 —At last! —The relief! 245 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,312 I do not believe it! 246 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,114 False alarm. 247 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:52,830 I might have known. Just as that was coming up on the box. Did you see that? 248 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:54,672 —See what? —On the screen just there. 249 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,070 A man pointing at a photograph of my feet! 250 00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,549 Oh, for goodness sake. 251 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,995 On the Southeast News, as large as life. 252 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,117 I just caught it before it went off again. 253 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,874 That was a detail from the Crucifixion. 254 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,790 I think I know my own feet when I see them. 255 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:14,157 It's a programme about Renaissance art. 256 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,754 I recognise the mole above my big toe. 257 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,558 That was a nail. 258 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:29,516 —Well, I know what I saw. -Oh, will you stop fretting about them? 259 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,479 There's absolutely nothing the matter with them. 260 00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:37,350 (VICTOR SIGHING) 261 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,992 So we still can't watch any television. 262 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,238 What's on anyway? 263 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:50,396 Dinosaur Hospital. Pick of the day. 264 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:54,190 "This week, through the magic of state of the art technology, 265 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:58,751 "the team help a pterodactyl with a cleft palate resume a normal life." 266 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:04,795 I presume the presenters are computer—generated as well, are they? 267 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:10,311 I mean, Rolf Harris has been dead for 15 years to my certain knowledge. 268 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:20,040 It's more than flesh and blood can stand. 269 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:23,877 Oh, I expect it'll come back on in a minute. 270 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,636 Well, there's nothing else for it 271 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:41,553 but to listen to Dale Winton reciting Kubla Khan. 272 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,634 Do we have to? 273 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,032 I need something to bring a smile to my face. 274 00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:53,149 DALE WINTON ON TAPE“. In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree 275 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,356 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran 276 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,751 Through caverns measureless to man Down to a sunless sea 277 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:02,310 (VOICE DISTORTING) 50 [wire five miles of fertile ground... 278 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,159 Oh, turn it off. 279 00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,552 Well, there must be some more batteries in this drawer somewhere. 280 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:16,631 There aren't. I've already checked. 281 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:18,438 Well, we can't have run out of... 282 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,875 Ah, now then. 283 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,880 Oh, how did we forget about this? 284 00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:28,672 The scented candle that Ronnie and Mildred brought back from Marrakesh. 285 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,070 Are we really that desperate? 286 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,633 I'm afraid we are. 287 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:38,510 "An enchanting blend of camphor, vanilla and peach." 288 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,352 Well, it can't be that bad. 289 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:51,913 Talk about the devils. Don't bring it over here. 290 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,430 (MARGARET COUGHING) 291 00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,632 "Important. This is not a circular." 292 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,440 —\/\/hat is it? —A circular. 293 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:17,793 "Apply now for your special discount loyalty card to Cottleswood Crematorium. 294 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:22,270 "Collect 3,000 points or more for a cash bonus, 295 00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:28,311 "plus a free clock radio if you nominate a friend to be cremated before August 31 st." 296 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,998 If I nominate anything, it'll be all this bloody junk. 297 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,720 I meant to get some batteries when I was out this morning, 298 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:40,758 but with all that kerfuffle on the way home, it just went right out of my mind. 299 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,399 What kerfuffle's that? 300 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:45,472 Oh, yes. I didn't tell you, did I? 301 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:51,193 There was a big siege going on in one of those houses by the putting green. 302 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:56,116 Some maniac, apparently, holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint. 303 00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:58,471 The police had got the whole area sealed off. 304 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:01,871 Traffic was being diverted. It was just like something out of a film. 305 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,998 Apparently, they weren't allowing anyone near the park. 306 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,596 They'd got concealed marksmen in the bushes. God knows what else. 307 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:11,834 What time was this? 308 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,833 Well, it's been going on since yesterday lunchtime, I think they said. 309 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,833 But I was up the park first thing this morning. 310 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:22,232 Took that shortcut by the wire netting right next to the putting green. 311 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,353 I didn't see any concealed marksmen. 312 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,239 Well, you wouldn't, would you? They were concealed. 313 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,950 I mean, obviously they were taking no chances. 314 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,509 Reckoned this man was a complete nutcase. 315 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:36,116 Said if he saw anyone doing anything remotely suspicious, 316 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:39,397 he was just going to open fire on them and ask questions later. 317 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:41,232 Remotely suspicious? 318 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,358 You mean I was fart arsing about up there in the middle of the grass 319 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:48,991 in full view of an armed psychopath doing bloody Tai Chi exercises? 320 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:52,072 Jabbing my hands in the air like a simpleton. 321 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,519 I could have ended up with a bullet through my... 322 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:07,400 No. No, it'll be what you said. 323 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,395 Someone with a cigarette in a pub. 324 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:14,394 I mean, this is... This is probably a completely different part of the park 325 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:15,879 or something. 326 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,240 I've come over all faint now. 327 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:26,711 I got a sort of quivery feeling in my left ear like a whining sound. 328 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:29,750 (MOSQUITO BUZZING) 329 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:33,276 Bloody thing! I thought I killed it! 330 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:34,873 Where's the spray? 331 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:38,794 Probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now. 332 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:40,750 (DOORBELL RINGING) 333 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:43,590 Who the hell is that at this time of night? 334 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:50,430 (WOMAN MURMURING INDISTINCTLY) 335 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,118 MARGARET: Well, of course we wouldn't mind. 336 00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,317 Well, we'll be only too pleased to. 337 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,438 So if you want to bring him over, that'll be fine. 338 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:06,878 What wouldn't we mind? What are we only too pleased to do now? 339 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:10,919 Mrs Smedley. She's got to take her mother—in—law up the hospital. 340 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,718 They think she's had a stroke. 341 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:17,636 And, of course, they can't leave the old man on his own over there in the dark and everything. 342 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:21,435 So she said, would we mind keeping an eye on him in here 343 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:25,235 just to make sure that he's all right, you know, till they come back. 344 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,311 Oh, you're joking. 345 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:31,234 Old Mr Smedley, the Hindenburg disaster on legs? 346 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,438 I mean, how have we got room for him in here? 347 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:38,240 He'll cause a lunar eclipse just passing the window. 348 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:39,310 (KNOCKING AT DOOR) 349 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,392 Victor, what else was I supposed to say? Coming. 350 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:45,040 Hello, Mr Sme... Oh. 351 00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:50,274 My goodness. That's a handy gadget to have in a power cut, is it? 352 00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:53,193 Yes, it used to belong to my brother. 353 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:56,830 Worked in the Kent mine fields for 25 years. 354 00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:00,197 —Really? —Mmm, prior to his untimely death 355 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,511 —from respiratory failure. -Oh, dear. 356 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,160 Well, can we... Swing over here. 357 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,837 Is that... Can you manage that? 358 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,957 Oh, I think we're in business. 359 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:14,915 —You... You remember Victor? —Mmm. 360 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:18,595 Yes, sorry to hear about your wife, Mr Smedley. 361 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,035 Why don't you come and sit yourself down? 362 00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:24,078 Yes, I... I will if you... 363 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,113 If you don't mind. 364 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:28,918 Thank you. 365 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,360 I'm very sorry about all this. 366 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,196 —I'm sorry to be such a nuisance. -Oh, don't be silly. 367 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,511 Er, would you like a brandy or anything to steady your nerves? 368 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:52,673 Oh, no, it's all right. I've, er, I've got my hot water bottle. 369 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:58,755 It's always a great comfort, I find. 370 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:00,834 Hot water. 371 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,830 Sorry to be such a nuisance. 372 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,709 They think my wife's had a stroke. 373 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,313 Yes, we, erm... 374 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:13,394 Hope she'll be all right up there. They're terribly overstretched. 375 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,599 Lady next door had to wait two hours the other week 376 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,751 just to get to the operating theatre. 377 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:24,598 They said they were very short of trolleys and did she mind sharing with a corpse? 378 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:28,191 It is a nightmare these days. 379 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,237 I hope she'll be all right up there. 380 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,278 They said she'd probably be out in a few days. 381 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,438 I expect she will. 382 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,274 Well, 383 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:44,039 perhaps I'll just sit here and read my book. 384 00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,874 —Would you mind? —No, of course not. You go ahead. 385 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,280 Thank you. 386 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:52,834 "Chapter eight. 387 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:57,230 "Late that evening, I was surprised at my lodgings 388 00:27:57,560 --> 00:27:59,870 "by a visit from Mr Bruff. 389 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:03,950 "There was a noticeable change in the lawyer's manner. 390 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:07,516 "It had lost its usual confidence and spirit. 391 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:11,271 "He shook hands with me, for the first time in his life, 392 00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:12,714 "in silence. 393 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:16,079 —"'Are you going back to Hampstead?' I asked... —Er, sorry, excuse me. 394 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,197 "...by way of saying..." Pardon? 395 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:23,151 Sorry. You actually have to read it out aloud or... 396 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:27,434 It's the only way I can get it to go in, unfortunately. 397 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:29,359 And stay there. 398 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,233 You'll find that when you get old. 399 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:39,032 Yes, you see, I knew I was going to be a nuisance. 400 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:43,432 No, no, no, Mr Smedley. If it helps to take your mind off things... 401 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,875 Anyway, I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid. 402 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,236 Oh, fine. Well, you know where it is and everything. 403 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:53,711 No. I mean I'm going to the toilet now. 404 00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:01,153 As I speak. 405 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:05,798 The control goes, you know, after a while. 406 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:09,557 Aggravated by too much stress and excitement. 407 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:13,315 Well, arm, you know... Well, let's get you sorted out. 408 00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:14,629 —Well... —Yes. 409 00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:17,997 Upsy-daisy, Mr Smedley. That's the ticket. 410 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,029 Oh, God. 411 00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:22,432 —Well, here you are. —Yeah. 412 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,114 Oh, I don't think there's any damage done, 413 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:28,239 so, er, you better go first, I think. 414 00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:31,551 Yeah. You see, I said I was being a nuisance 415 00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:34,029 —and I have been. —No, no. 416 00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,960 She'll be all right, though, won't she, up there? 417 00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:41,159 I mean, they... They said she'd only be in for a few days. 418 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:42,470 (MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING) 419 00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:47,595 MR SMEDLEY: I'll go in here. MARGARET: Yes, all right. 420 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:49,353 (MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING) 421 00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:23,676 My God, I suppose we're going to be up with him all night. 422 00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:26,634 Potty training Mr Creosote. 423 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,637 That's all we need ed. 424 00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:35,556 No, no. It looked as if he's going to nod off in there, actually. 425 00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:38,190 I think we might just let him sleep. 426 00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:40,157 —Oh. —What? 427 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,516 I just feel a bit sick. 428 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,910 What? How sick? 429 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:48,038 And breathlessness. What else have you got? Chest pains? 430 00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:50,350 Radiating outwards towards the shoulders? 431 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:51,999 No, no, I'll be okay in a minute. 432 00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:55,516 Well, I expect it's that bloody candle turning my stomach over. 433 00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:00,236 Poor old codger. 434 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:03,629 —I suppose... —\/\/hat? 435 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:06,277 Well, it just... 436 00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:09,318 You know, what he said about his wife. 437 00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:13,473 Do you remember when my dad went into hospital? 438 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:17,798 They said that would just be for a few days. 439 00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:22,839 And after a few days, they said it would be just a few more. 440 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:25,797 And that's how it went on. 441 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:29,714 And we always knew it would be all right. 442 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:33,950 Couple more days and he'd be back home with us all again. 443 00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:39,992 I don't think there's any other way we'd have got through those last six months. 444 00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:44,638 It's like you said. 445 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:50,590 If it's sunny in the morning you don't want to know it's going to rain in the afternoon. 446 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:56,670 (GROANING) 447 00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:01,560 Three hours it's been off for now. This is ridiculous! 448 00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:04,237 Yes, well, 449 00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:08,112 I expect it'll come on again any minute. 450 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:11,869 I expect. 451 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:20,393 # They say I might as well face the truth 452 00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:23,759 # That I am just too long in the tooth? 453 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:27,478 # I've started to deteriorate 454 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:30,958 # And now I've passed my own sell-by date 455 00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,518 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true 456 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,833 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew 457 00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:41,159 # And my old knees have started to knock 458 00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:44,798 # I've just got too many miles on the clock 459 00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:49,109 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways 460 00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:52,637 # It's true that my body has seen better days 461 00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:56,310 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave 462 00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:59,149 # One foot in the grave 463 00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:02,675 # One foot in the grave 464 00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:06,399 # One foot in the grave #