1
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:09,277
Ah. Misery me.
2
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:15,270
(SIGHING LOUDLY)
3
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:36,390
(SIGHING)
4
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:52,994
Beggars belief, doesn't it?
5
00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:56,550
We haven't got one decent candle
in the whole house.
6
00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,359
Don't know how long this lot are going to last.
7
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:07,552
—Don't know where to put them for the best.
—I know where I'd like to put them.
8
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,551
Just be patient.
9
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,474
I expect it'll come back on any minute.
10
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:15,550
(SIGHING)
11
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:19,679
And stop sighing like that.
You're sucking up all the oxygen.
12
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:31,277
Typical, isn't it?
The hottest day of the bloody year.
13
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:37,476
What a good job we bought these three
giant Chillmaster electric fans last week.
14
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:41,758
They're just the ticket for a night like this.
15
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:50,397
—I have a good mind to go to bed.
—Well, why don't you?
16
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:55,550
I wouldn't sleep this early. I never get off
till about 3:00 in the morning as it is.
17
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,072
Just lying there all tense and jittery.
18
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,719
Don't I know it.
19
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:06,115
The way you were twitching about on your stomach
last night like a porpoise having a seizure.
20
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:11,312
Squirming about with your bottom
all clenched up to kingdom come.
21
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,830
God knows what you were dreaming about.
22
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:17,356
I told you not to watch Deliverance
before you went to bed.
23
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,791
There'll be claw marks on that headboard now
for evermore.
24
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:28,709
Some people grind their teeth in their sleep.
You grind your buttocks.
25
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,073
Yes, all right.
26
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:34,073
I could have sharpened a pencil
up there last night.
27
00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,070
I said, all right.
28
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:40,757
I don't want to be reminded about it,
thank you very much.
29
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:46,669
And don't open that window.
We'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes.
30
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,237
It's the same every summer.
31
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:53,837
That ruddy ornamental pond of hers
across the road turns into a public health hazard.
32
00:02:57,040 --> 00:03:00,271
No, perhaps I'll just stick my head
in the fish tank.
33
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,749
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
34
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,833
It's like a bake house in here.
35
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:13,238
Look at these chrysanths.
Three days and wilting already.
36
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,955
Never mind plant food.
I should give you a sachet of Viagra.
37
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:21,838
Bloody things.
38
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:23,550
(GRUNTING)
39
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:29,190
I got that sharp pain all down my front again.
40
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:31,996
You can't tell me that's wind.
41
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,878
All those monkey nuts
you were eating in the bath,
42
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,600
I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone.
43
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,839
Lying there with all the little husks floating
about like canoes.
44
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,196
No wonder you didn't finish your tea.
45
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:49,036
Yes, well, I needed a bath after buggering about
all morning with that new lawn mower.
46
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:56,191
Three words destined to strike fear into any man.
47
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,479
"Easy home assembly."
48
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,917
Just putting the grass box together
took four hours.
49
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:09,034
Every time you got a bit to stay in,
so another bit would pop out.
50
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:13,034
I'll be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings
in my sleep tonight.
51
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:16,558
Doesn't matter how much you pay
for something nowadays,
52
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,280
they still expect you to put it together.
53
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,872
"Yes. Here's your boarding pass
for the flight to Rome, Mr Meldrew.
54
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,590
"You'll find the plane lying
in a flat pack at Gate 13.
55
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,393
"Complete with a full set of instructions."
56
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,439
Same with that lampshade I put up the other day.
57
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,558
The chains on that were all lopsided.
58
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:47,036
So you've told me, about 100 times.
59
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:55,550
(SIGHING WITH RELIEF)
60
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,717
Wonder fl R's ("John's Syndrome.
61
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,633
Will you stop prodding at it?
62
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,991
You've been to the doctor's.
63
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,152
He's given you a thorough checkup all over.
64
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,958
Yes, that was another thing.
65
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,920
I got undressed
and suddenly he starts staring at my feet
66
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,352
and whistling as though
he's never seen anything like it.
67
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:28,956
He said, "Do you mind
if I take a photo of these for The Lancet?"
68
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,675
—I mean, what was that all about?
—Well, why didn't you ask him?
69
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,912
Well, I didn't like to,
in case it was something hideous.
70
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,793
Something else I've got to worry about.
71
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,838
Both burning up. I can tell you that much.
72
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:49,510
(MOANING)
73
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:54,879
I wish I had bought that foot spa now
we saw in Debenhams.
74
00:05:55,640 --> 00:06:00,077
Could have that lovely water whirling all over them
and freshening them up.
75
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,472
Any minute now, the cap.
76
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,800
And if I ever find the bastards who did this,
77
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,759
they'll know about it, I can tell you that much.
78
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:50,233
Coming to it, when you can't put your cap down
on a pub table to go to the toilet
79
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,398
without someone stubbing a cigarette out in it.
80
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,592
If that's what happened.
81
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:59,674
Well, I don't imagine it's a moth
with a very healthy appetite.
82
00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,996
Some yob's idea of an hilarious prank.
83
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:09,476
Why don't you go upstairs and do your Tai Chi?
It might help you relax.
84
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:13,713
It doesn't help me relax.
It makes me feel like a complete idiot.
85
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,909
Well, Mr and Mrs Elsberry swear by it.
86
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,798
Thought when they came over
to give you some lessons,
87
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,837
the three of you were getting on
quite well together.
88
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,639
We looked like Wilson, Keppel and Betty.
89
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:30,235
I got up at 6:00 this morning to go and do it
in the park where no one could see me
90
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:31,754
and what happened?
91
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,753
I did that thing
where you have to squat right down
92
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,911
and I couldn't get back up again.
93
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,152
Had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee.
94
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,036
I won't be trying that again.
95
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,550
They say that hot air rises, don't they?
96
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,995
Wonder if it's any cooler down here.
97
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,230
(SIGHING)
98
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:18,474
Good book?
99
00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:20,953
Extremely.
100
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,999
And I've just got to the interesting bit.
So, if you don't mind...
101
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:27,435
(SIGHING)
102
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,912
Got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night.
103
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,832
Great Aunt Joyce and Uncle Dick.
104
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,239
I wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one.
105
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,118
I expect so, yes.
106
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,958
I knew we were in for a pleasant evening
when he came in and said,
107
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,190
"Where shall I put the spittoon?"
108
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:03,109
Told him to make himself feel at home,
so he took his false arm off.
109
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:07,194
And said, "Ah, that's better."
110
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,350
Didn't know where to look.
111
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,512
He was using it as a back scratcher at one point.
112
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,834
-Oh, do you remember?
—Yes.
113
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,958
I mean, that's all you want to hear
half way through a meal, isn't it?
114
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:31,396
"Don't make her laugh too much.
Her glass eye is a bit loose."
115
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:39,079
Right in a plate of salad.
116
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,075
And the eyesight's not that good in the other one.
117
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,959
Shouting, "It's all right. I've got it."
118
00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,949
Thought we'd never prise that cherry tomato
out of the socket.
119
00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:01,039
It's bad enough with the lawn mower
120
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:04,476
without having to put
the dinner guests back together.
121
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:08,750
(SIGHING LOUDLY)
122
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:14,118
If it's no better than this tomorrow,
123
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,559
I may have to emigrate.
124
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:21,316
Oh, what did the forecast say?
Perhaps it'll be a bit cooler.
125
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,154
Yes, and perhaps it'll be hotter still.
126
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:28,072
You know I never watch the weather forecasts.
127
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,273
If it's a nice morning and they say
it's going to be worse in the afternoon,
128
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,590
how can you enjoy the morning?
129
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,790
Best not to know about it.
130
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,675
It's the same with life in general.
131
00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:45,039
There are certain things
you don't ever want to think about.
132
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,599
What sort of things?
133
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,479
Well, I don't want to think about them, do I?
134
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,279
And it's the only way you can go on, isn't it?
135
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,636
From one moment to the next.
136
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:01,239
I mean, if you knew now,
137
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,472
all the horrible things that were going to happen...
138
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:15,392
For the love of buggery.
139
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:19,951
What did I say to you about making sure
you put those screws in properly?
140
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,558
—Oh!
—You know what a hell of a weight this thing is.
141
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:24,750
(GROANING)
142
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:27,715
Is it still in one piece?
143
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,836
I daren't look.
144
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:40,557
I suppose we should be glad
it fell on something soft.
145
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:46,039
Yes, it's lucky I hadn't had a sachet of Viagra.
146
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,430
It could have been smashed to smithereens.
147
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:51,679
Don't be coarse.
148
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,833
I mean, three and a half days it had to do that.
149
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:58,629
But no. It had to come down just at that moment.
150
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:00,830
(GROANING)
151
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:15,914
And my chest's all horrible and sticky.
152
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,234
Seems as if it's gone all crisp everywhere now.
153
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:23,109
I'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer
you've been squirting on.
154
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:28,756
Enough to glue up a yak.
155
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:33,870
Hair lacquer?
Thanks very much for pointing that out to me.
156
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,190
You should look at things more carefully
in the first place.
157
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,317
You are hot. I'm hot.
158
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:42,030
There's nothing we can do about it
until the power comes back on.
159
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,679
And when will that be?
160
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,559
I expect it'll come back on any minute.
161
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:51,116
Now, do you mind?
162
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:01,790
(EXHALING LOUDLY)
163
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,951
(UNFOLDING NEWSPAPER LOUDLY)
164
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:18,194
Is that the one where the murderer fires
a crossbow through the keyhole?
165
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:24,358
It's a very good one, if I remember rightly.
166
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:30,915
What?
167
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:32,953
Why do I bother?
168
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:37,110
I have no idea sometimes.
169
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:39,999
But all that happens at the beginning, surely?
170
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:45,271
Or do you only find out about it at the end?
171
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,918
Ah, yes.
172
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,158
Sorry about that.
173
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,719
Do you mind if I borrow the torch now?
174
00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,236
If you've finished with it.
175
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:08,349
Thanks.
176
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:19,434
Oh, there's a man here
who never throws his urine away.
177
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,671
Belongs to a religious sect
178
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,593
that regard it as a sacred bodily fluid
179
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:28,149
containing part of the human soul.
180
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:33,318
Kept everything he's ever passed
since October 1973.
181
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,878
All bottled up in a huge wine cellar.
182
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:43,270
And now, apparently, Leicestershire County Council
are getting a court order to have it removed.
183
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:46,750
"Said Mr Hibbert, 48,
184
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,514
"'It's not the first time
people have tried to take the piss.
185
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:54,117
Oh, you just love finding things like that
in the paper, don't you?
186
00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:59,920
I'm only reading what it says.
187
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:04,599
Right up your street, that sort of thing.
Just tickles you to death.
188
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:13,997
Read in here the other day, we'll soon be able
to go to the toilet over the internet.
189
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,872
I mean, how the hell is that supposed to work?
190
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:23,551
I don't know why
I buy the bloody thing sometimes.
191
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,350
(MOSQUITO BUZZING)
192
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,036
Oh, God, what did I tell you?
193
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,839
Now, where's the insect repellent?
194
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,156
I think I left it in the car.
195
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,953
Don't... You're not opening that front door.
196
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,192
Well, what's the difference?
They're in here now, anyway.
197
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,679
VICTOR: And what the hell
do you think you're playing at?
198
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,671
That's my bloody... Up, move it!
199
00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:00,991
This hasn't been parked here for your recreation,
for God's sakes.
200
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,631
Stop doing that while I'm talking to you.
201
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,794
(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)
202
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,354
Get out of there!
203
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,437
...law down here.
204
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,239
I've never seen this sort of carry on in my life!
Go on!
205
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,000
You! Get your toes out of my headrest!
206
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,349
...will know about it, I can tell you.
207
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:25,670
(DOOR CLOSING)
208
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:30,591
Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit,
I don't know what does!
209
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,239
Did you see that?
210
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:34,516
Young bloke from down the road
with his girlfriend
211
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,513
only having sex in the back seat of our car.
212
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,116
Well, I had forgotten to close the sun roof.
213
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:45,990
Bold as brass, just merrily getting on with it
without a thought for my suspension.
214
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,872
They didn't even stop when I opened the door.
215
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,630
Stark naked, the pair of them.
216
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:57,634
And he had the cheek to tell me
to go and put some clothes on.
217
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,473
Said I was lowering the whole tone of the area.
218
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,071
It's that poor butcher's son, Kevin.
219
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,879
You see, they don't care any more,
youngsters like that.
220
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,600
Butcher his pork next time I see him.
221
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,558
Clothes all over the front seat.
222
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,632
And I daren't tell you
what I found on the gear stick.
223
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:18,950
God!
224
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,920
Completely wore myself out now, with all that.
225
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:29,795
Oh, I'm sorry, Margaret.
226
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,994
I've had it with the human race.
227
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,240
I'm going to become a registered hermit.
228
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,752
Who was it said,
229
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,031
"Hell is other people"?
230
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,680
Mrs Smedley at number 14.
231
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,552
—Was it?
—Just after she got back from Benidorm.
232
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,509
And she's got enough on her plate
with that mother and father of his living there.
233
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,352
I don't know how she copes.
234
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,909
Don't know when I last saw him.
235
00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:01,553
Didn't someone say he's actually so fat
he can't get out the front door now?
236
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,476
How ever much must he weigh?
237
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:05,994
Don't know.
238
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:10,671
I think it's got something to do with
all the tablets he has to take. Poor old soul.
239
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:13,358
I know the neighbours have been complaining.
240
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:17,229
When she hangs his underpants out to dry,
they lose an hour's daylight.
241
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:24,437
I'll be reporting that little incident
to the parents concerned. Don't you worry.
242
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:28,791
Bloody yobbery. Morning, noon and night.
243
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:29,870
(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
244
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,318
—At last!
—The relief!
245
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,312
I do not believe it!
246
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,114
False alarm.
247
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:52,830
I might have known. Just as that was
coming up on the box. Did you see that?
248
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:54,672
—See what?
—On the screen just there.
249
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,070
A man pointing at a photograph of my feet!
250
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,549
Oh, for goodness sake.
251
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,995
On the Southeast News, as large as life.
252
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,117
I just caught it before it went off again.
253
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,874
That was a detail from the Crucifixion.
254
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,790
I think I know my own feet when I see them.
255
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:14,157
It's a programme about Renaissance art.
256
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,754
I recognise the mole above my big toe.
257
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,558
That was a nail.
258
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:29,516
—Well, I know what I saw.
-Oh, will you stop fretting about them?
259
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,479
There's absolutely nothing the matter with them.
260
00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:37,350
(VICTOR SIGHING)
261
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,992
So we still can't watch any television.
262
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,238
What's on anyway?
263
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:50,396
Dinosaur Hospital. Pick of the day.
264
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:54,190
"This week, through the magic
of state of the art technology,
265
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:58,751
"the team help a pterodactyl
with a cleft palate resume a normal life."
266
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:04,795
I presume the presenters are computer—generated
as well, are they?
267
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:10,311
I mean, Rolf Harris has been dead
for 15 years to my certain knowledge.
268
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:20,040
It's more than flesh and blood can stand.
269
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:23,877
Oh, I expect it'll come back on in a minute.
270
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,636
Well, there's nothing else for it
271
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:41,553
but to listen to Dale Winton reciting Kubla Khan.
272
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,634
Do we have to?
273
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,032
I need something to bring a smile to my face.
274
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:53,149
DALE WINTON ON TAPE“. In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree
275
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,356
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
276
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,751
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea
277
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:02,310
(VOICE DISTORTING) 50 [wire five miles
of fertile ground...
278
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,159
Oh, turn it off.
279
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,552
Well, there must be some more batteries
in this drawer somewhere.
280
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:16,631
There aren't. I've already checked.
281
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:18,438
Well, we can't have run out of...
282
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,875
Ah, now then.
283
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,880
Oh, how did we forget about this?
284
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:28,672
The scented candle that Ronnie and Mildred
brought back from Marrakesh.
285
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,070
Are we really that desperate?
286
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,633
I'm afraid we are.
287
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:38,510
"An enchanting blend
of camphor, vanilla and peach."
288
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,352
Well, it can't be that bad.
289
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:51,913
Talk about the devils. Don't bring it over here.
290
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,430
(MARGARET COUGHING)
291
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,632
"Important. This is not a circular."
292
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,440
—\/\/hat is it?
—A circular.
293
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:17,793
"Apply now for your special discount loyalty card
to Cottleswood Crematorium.
294
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:22,270
"Collect 3,000 points or more for a cash bonus,
295
00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:28,311
"plus a free clock radio if you nominate a friend
to be cremated before August 31 st."
296
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,998
If I nominate anything, it'll be all this bloody junk.
297
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,720
I meant to get some batteries
when I was out this morning,
298
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:40,758
but with all that kerfuffle on the way home,
it just went right out of my mind.
299
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,399
What kerfuffle's that?
300
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:45,472
Oh, yes. I didn't tell you, did I?
301
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:51,193
There was a big siege going on
in one of those houses by the putting green.
302
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:56,116
Some maniac, apparently,
holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint.
303
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:58,471
The police had got the whole area sealed off.
304
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:01,871
Traffic was being diverted.
It was just like something out of a film.
305
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,998
Apparently, they weren't allowing anyone
near the park.
306
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,596
They'd got concealed marksmen in the bushes.
God knows what else.
307
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:11,834
What time was this?
308
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,833
Well, it's been going on
since yesterday lunchtime, I think they said.
309
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,833
But I was up the park first thing this morning.
310
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:22,232
Took that shortcut by the wire netting
right next to the putting green.
311
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,353
I didn't see any concealed marksmen.
312
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,239
Well, you wouldn't, would you?
They were concealed.
313
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,950
I mean, obviously they were taking no chances.
314
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,509
Reckoned this man was a complete nutcase.
315
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:36,116
Said if he saw anyone doing anything
remotely suspicious,
316
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:39,397
he was just going to open fire on them
and ask questions later.
317
00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:41,232
Remotely suspicious?
318
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,358
You mean I was fart arsing about up there
in the middle of the grass
319
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:48,991
in full view of an armed psychopath
doing bloody Tai Chi exercises?
320
00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:52,072
Jabbing my hands in the air like a simpleton.
321
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,519
I could have ended up with a bullet through my...
322
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:07,400
No. No, it'll be what you said.
323
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,395
Someone with a cigarette in a pub.
324
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:14,394
I mean, this is... This is probably
a completely different part of the park
325
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:15,879
or something.
326
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,240
I've come over all faint now.
327
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:26,711
I got a sort of quivery feeling in my left ear
like a whining sound.
328
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:29,750
(MOSQUITO BUZZING)
329
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:33,276
Bloody thing! I thought I killed it!
330
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:34,873
Where's the spray?
331
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:38,794
Probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now.
332
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:40,750
(DOORBELL RINGING)
333
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:43,590
Who the hell is that at this time of night?
334
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:50,430
(WOMAN MURMURING INDISTINCTLY)
335
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,118
MARGARET: Well, of course we wouldn't mind.
336
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,317
Well, we'll be only too pleased to.
337
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,438
So if you want to bring him over, that'll be fine.
338
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:06,878
What wouldn't we mind?
What are we only too pleased to do now?
339
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:10,919
Mrs Smedley. She's got to take her mother—in—law
up the hospital.
340
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,718
They think she's had a stroke.
341
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:17,636
And, of course, they can't leave the old man
on his own over there in the dark and everything.
342
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:21,435
So she said, would we mind keeping
an eye on him in here
343
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:25,235
just to make sure that he's all right, you know,
till they come back.
344
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,311
Oh, you're joking.
345
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:31,234
Old Mr Smedley, the Hindenburg disaster on legs?
346
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,438
I mean, how have we got room for him in here?
347
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:38,240
He'll cause a lunar eclipse
just passing the window.
348
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:39,310
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
349
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,392
Victor, what else was I supposed to say? Coming.
350
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:45,040
Hello, Mr Sme... Oh.
351
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:50,274
My goodness. That's a handy gadget to have
in a power cut, is it?
352
00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:53,193
Yes, it used to belong to my brother.
353
00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:56,830
Worked in the Kent mine fields for 25 years.
354
00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:00,197
—Really?
—Mmm, prior to his untimely death
355
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,511
—from respiratory failure.
-Oh, dear.
356
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,160
Well, can we... Swing over here.
357
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,837
Is that... Can you manage that?
358
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,957
Oh, I think we're in business.
359
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:14,915
—You... You remember Victor?
—Mmm.
360
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:18,595
Yes, sorry to hear about your wife, Mr Smedley.
361
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,035
Why don't you come and sit yourself down?
362
00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:24,078
Yes, I... I will if you...
363
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,113
If you don't mind.
364
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:28,918
Thank you.
365
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,360
I'm very sorry about all this.
366
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,196
—I'm sorry to be such a nuisance.
-Oh, don't be silly.
367
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,511
Er, would you like a brandy or anything
to steady your nerves?
368
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:52,673
Oh, no, it's all right.
I've, er, I've got my hot water bottle.
369
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:58,755
It's always a great comfort, I find.
370
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:00,834
Hot water.
371
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,830
Sorry to be such a nuisance.
372
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,709
They think my wife's had a stroke.
373
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,313
Yes, we, erm...
374
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:13,394
Hope she'll be all right up there.
They're terribly overstretched.
375
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,599
Lady next door had to wait
two hours the other week
376
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,751
just to get to the operating theatre.
377
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:24,598
They said they were very short of trolleys
and did she mind sharing with a corpse?
378
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:28,191
It is a nightmare these days.
379
00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,237
I hope she'll be all right up there.
380
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,278
They said she'd probably be out in a few days.
381
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,438
I expect she will.
382
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,274
Well,
383
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:44,039
perhaps I'll just sit here and read my book.
384
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,874
—Would you mind?
—No, of course not. You go ahead.
385
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,280
Thank you.
386
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:52,834
"Chapter eight.
387
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:57,230
"Late that evening, I was surprised at my lodgings
388
00:27:57,560 --> 00:27:59,870
"by a visit from Mr Bruff.
389
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:03,950
"There was a noticeable change
in the lawyer's manner.
390
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:07,516
"It had lost its usual confidence and spirit.
391
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:11,271
"He shook hands with me,
for the first time in his life,
392
00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:12,714
"in silence.
393
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:16,079
—"'Are you going back to Hampstead?' I asked...
—Er, sorry, excuse me.
394
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,197
"...by way of saying..." Pardon?
395
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:23,151
Sorry. You actually have to read it out aloud or...
396
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:27,434
It's the only way
I can get it to go in, unfortunately.
397
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:29,359
And stay there.
398
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,233
You'll find that when you get old.
399
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:39,032
Yes, you see, I knew I was going to be a nuisance.
400
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:43,432
No, no, no, Mr Smedley.
If it helps to take your mind off things...
401
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,875
Anyway, I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid.
402
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,236
Oh, fine.
Well, you know where it is and everything.
403
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:53,711
No. I mean I'm going to the toilet now.
404
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:01,153
As I speak.
405
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:05,798
The control goes, you know, after a while.
406
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:09,557
Aggravated by too much stress and excitement.
407
00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:13,315
Well, arm, you know...
Well, let's get you sorted out.
408
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:14,629
—Well...
—Yes.
409
00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:17,997
Upsy-daisy, Mr Smedley. That's the ticket.
410
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,029
Oh, God.
411
00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:22,432
—Well, here you are.
—Yeah.
412
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,114
Oh, I don't think there's any damage done,
413
00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:28,239
so, er, you better go first, I think.
414
00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:31,551
Yeah. You see, I said I was being a nuisance
415
00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:34,029
—and I have been.
—No, no.
416
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,960
She'll be all right, though, won't she, up there?
417
00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:41,159
I mean, they...
They said she'd only be in for a few days.
418
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:42,470
(MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING)
419
00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:47,595
MR SMEDLEY: I'll go in here.
MARGARET: Yes, all right.
420
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:49,353
(MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING)
421
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:23,676
My God, I suppose we're going to be
up with him all night.
422
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:26,634
Potty training Mr Creosote.
423
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,637
That's all we need ed.
424
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:35,556
No, no. It looked as if
he's going to nod off in there, actually.
425
00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:38,190
I think we might just let him sleep.
426
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:40,157
—Oh.
—What?
427
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,516
I just feel a bit sick.
428
00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,910
What? How sick?
429
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:48,038
And breathlessness. What else have you got?
Chest pains?
430
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:50,350
Radiating outwards towards the shoulders?
431
00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:51,999
No, no, I'll be okay in a minute.
432
00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:55,516
Well, I expect
it's that bloody candle turning my stomach over.
433
00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:00,236
Poor old codger.
434
00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:03,629
—I suppose...
—\/\/hat?
435
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:06,277
Well, it just...
436
00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:09,318
You know, what he said about his wife.
437
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:13,473
Do you remember
when my dad went into hospital?
438
00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:17,798
They said that would just be for a few days.
439
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:22,839
And after a few days,
they said it would be just a few more.
440
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:25,797
And that's how it went on.
441
00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:29,714
And we always knew it would be all right.
442
00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:33,950
Couple more days
and he'd be back home with us all again.
443
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:39,992
I don't think there's any other way
we'd have got through those last six months.
444
00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:44,638
It's like you said.
445
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:50,590
If it's sunny in the morning you don't want
to know it's going to rain in the afternoon.
446
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:56,670
(GROANING)
447
00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:01,560
Three hours it's been off for now.
This is ridiculous!
448
00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:04,237
Yes, well,
449
00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:08,112
I expect it'll come on again any minute.
450
00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:11,869
I expect.
451
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:20,393
# They say I might as well face the truth
452
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:23,759
# That I am just too long in the tooth?
453
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:27,478
# I've started to deteriorate
454
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:30,958
# And now I've passed my own sell-by date
455
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,518
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
456
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,833
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
457
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:41,159
# And my old knees have started to knock
458
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:44,798
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
459
00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:49,109
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
460
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:52,637
# It's true that my body has seen better days
461
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:56,310
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
462
00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:59,149
# One foot in the grave
463
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:02,675
# One foot in the grave
464
00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:06,399
# One foot in the grave #