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Dear Brothers.
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We are gathered here today
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in the Convent of the Order
of the Barefoot Snail-hunters.
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Today's sermon will deal
with the word of the Lord.
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And I saw the light,
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and the light was hardly
even a moped headlight.
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Nor was it the Lord,
for the Lord doesn't need headlights,
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or streetlamps,
or even hazard lights.
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In the Kingdom of the Lord,
there is neither day nor night.
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It is always midday
and everyone's always eating.
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And that little twerp of a demon
is there in a corner,
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getting stones thrown in his face
and eating the leftovers.
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And may God free us
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of the Romanians
repairing the roof of our church,
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putting the roof tiles on backwards,
all fucked up,
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so they fall when the wind blows
just like in their country,
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Bulgaria or Moldavia,
let me tell ya, fella...
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And may this government of morons
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put an end to corruption
once and for all,
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even if they have
to bribe someone to do so,
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since that what we all pay taxes for.
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And may there be
decent public transport
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in this crap old country,
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where there shouldn't even be roads
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because all the drivers
are a bunch of murderers,
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as are the doctors,
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who go on strike in hospitals
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with some guy lying there
with his guts hanging out
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and his appendix dancing a jig.
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And while we're at it,
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we should burn down the courts
and the law schools.
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These are the wishes of the Lord.
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Amen.
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Amen. Let me tell ya.
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Amen.
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Well goddamn if it isn't...
my old Tonimobile.
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Now this is one kick ass machine,
man.
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It's survived psychopathic nuns
thrashing on the bodywork
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and it discovered
the sea passage to Spain.
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This is a spaceship
right out of "Star Wars".
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It's all the shit.
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My beloved traffic tickets,
what a smell!
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All unpaid.
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I'm not going to fuck up
the collection now, right?
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A racecar like this one here
in a vacant lot out in the sticks.
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And no one came to rip it off?
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Miracle.
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And if God didn't say so himself,
I'd say this here is a miracle. Amen.
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Tony, it's great to see you.
You look the same.
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Jesus fucking Christ,
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they built this damn place
out in the middle of nowhere.
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TRICKSTERS
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Easy there Barrabas,
leave the cabbages alone!
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It's not Barrabas, Zeze, it's Popeye.
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Anyway man, tell me,
what's become of your life?
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It really does seem
just like yesterday.
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I've been here since...
let's see 1979... plus five...
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Do the math.
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So I've been here for a week.
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I can tell; you're much more relaxed.
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Tell me about it,
I'm much more chilled out.
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I'm practically a saint.
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Goddamn donkey.
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Drop the cabbage!
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Poor guy.
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And so you, batface, tell me,
what the hell are you here for?
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Zeze, not out
of disgrace of the truth,
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I have come here...
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Don't tell me!
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You cannot live without your friend
and guru Zeze.
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You're forgiven.
You can kiss my hand.
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I really don't think so!
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Zeze, the thing is that in order
to be true to myself
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and to you as well,
I've come here, Zeze, to...
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Wait, I got it.
You've come to get your car back.
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You can take it, just leave me
the hens and the eggs,
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'cause here in the countryside
we eat lots of eggs...
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It's true they are good
for strengthening the hair,
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they have vitamins
and their great for cholesterol.
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But what brings me here, Zeze, is...
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Wait, now I've got it.
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What you want is to join the Order
of the Barefoot Snail-hunters.
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Brother, unshod yourself,
take off your boots...
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I really don't think so!
The building is old and could fall.
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Leave it as it is. Better that way.
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Anyway, I might just
walk on outta here, no?
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It's been wonderful to see you again
so healthy,
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healthy as a big old oak tree.
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Later.
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Let me tell ya, fella!
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Toni, Toni, it seems to me
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you have not told me
what it is that's afflicting you.
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You can tell me everything.
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I am a man of the church.
I am here to listen.
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To listen? Look how you've changed.
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If I'd have known,
I'd have brought my guitar.
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No, calm down. It's not worth it.
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If you want,
I'll play a song for you.
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Relax.
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It's no bother at all.
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But to me it is.
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Look, why don't you just tell me
why you've come.
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Zeze, before coming here
to preach to the corn,
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you told me something
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that has been
knocking around in my head
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all this time.
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Listen, you can confide in me.
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I'm a priest
and a priest is like a father.
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Bingo.
I have to ask you about my father.
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I thought so.
Don't you see I'm enlightened?
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And when I go to the mountain,
I speak with God,
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in dreams of course.
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And afterwards I come down the hill
to preach the truth...
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Jesus. You're outta your mind.
I'd better get going.
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Let go of me! Let me go!
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Good God. You're off your head.
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Outta your head I say.
Let me tell ya, fella!
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Four months earlier
Hold it right there, cheeseface!
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If you don't want
another round willingly,
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we'll have to do it the hard way.
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Let's let fate decide.
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Heads or tails.
Heads you win, tails, one of us.
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What if the coin lands on its side?
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On its side?
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It's happened before.
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If it lands on its side,
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we call the waiter
and the problem's solved.
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Is it a dealer?
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Offshore.
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What is it?
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Depends. What coin is that?
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One euro.
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One euro? Then it's heads.
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All right, batface,
explain that one to me.
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How much is one euro worth?
166.386 pesetas, right?
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It's goddamn heady coin
if I ever saw one.
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Zeze, why did you have to go
and punch me?
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Why did I do it? Why did I do it?
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I'm not deaf!
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Because the earth is round?
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Because the sum of the legs squared
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is equal to the square root
of the hypotenuse?
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Because the needle of a compass
always points straight ahead?
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The earth is round?
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Of course!
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What part of it?
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The edges.
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And where are the edges?
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What's with you, man,
do I look like a typographer to you?
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I don't know,
let me get a good look at you.
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Goddammit, I'm outta here.
What for, but I'm not even sick.
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What about me?
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You? You're out of it.
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If a doctor were to catch you,
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he'd put you in a jar of formaldehyde
to run experiments on you.
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Toni, the mutating aberration.
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Coming soon to a theater near you,
to an emergency room near you...
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Holy fucking shit!
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Zeze I just had a wicked idea.
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Fuck!
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I'm going to ask that gentleman
to hold my place in line.
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Excuse me sir. If they call my name,
could you call me... by my name?
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Don't worry.
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If they call him, I'll call you
so that you can call him, okay?
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So then,
didn't you hear your name called?
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Son of a bitch!
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What's happening?
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Son of a bitch!
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I forgot to tell my name
to that dude.
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Toni!
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Forget it, don't worry.
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He doesn't know your name,
but with that mace face of yours,
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it's hard to even look at you.
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So what's it going to be?
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Don't even ask.
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A calamari sandwich
and a glass of wine, please.
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And you're not gonna eat anything?
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I already ordered.
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What about me then?
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I asked you what you wanted
and you got all pissed.
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Cancel that order
for this individual please.
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Make that two calamari sandwiches
and two wines.
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Make mine with mayo, please.
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What do you mean yours?
Did you already order?
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No, you did though.
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I ordered for me,
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if you want to eat,
order for yourself.
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Goddammit, I ordered for me
and you canceled my order.
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Of course,
because you didn't order for me.
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So that's why, is it? Revenge?
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So then don't be surprised
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if after eating
three or four sandwiches a day,
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you end up having a Cadillac arrest.
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Hold it right there, foul vulture!
Don't fuck with me!
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You don't like to hear the truth,
do ya? You're just like the rest.
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What rest?
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The rest, of them,
everyone, humanity.
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They're all as fat as posts.
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What do you care, cheese face.
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When even the slightest breeze
comes along,
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your wife has to go pull you down
from the church bell tower.
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00:13:00,020 --> 00:13:03,251
That's it, that's right,
Big Toni, Big Toni...
203
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:06,539
Always blowing it out of proportion.
That only happened once.
204
00:13:06,940 --> 00:13:08,498
So what's it going to be then?
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00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:12,449
When a donkey speaks, my friend,
the other one pricks up his ears.
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00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,657
And don't fuck me around,
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unless you want me to shove
a jar of pickles down your throat.
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00:13:16,780 --> 00:13:17,735
I beg your pardon?
209
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,177
You're pardoned.
210
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,933
But next time,
I'll chop off your balls,
211
00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:23,772
fry them up, and make you eat them.
212
00:13:27,780 --> 00:13:29,008
Let me get this straight,
213
00:13:29,220 --> 00:13:30,619
so you've taken
to this all-light bullshit then?
214
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Like it should be.
215
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,419
The whole bio-fatness thing?
- Like it should be.
216
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,730
The cardio-active-bifidus business?
- Like it should be, Zeze.
217
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:38,932
I have to be careful
about the junk food I ingest.
218
00:13:39,180 --> 00:13:42,058
My body is a holy temple.
219
00:13:42,420 --> 00:13:43,648
Gimme a fucking break!
220
00:13:43,940 --> 00:13:45,498
My grandfather grew up eating
221
00:13:45,660 --> 00:13:47,696
seven plates of hog's feet
for breakfast,
222
00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:51,370
with wine so bad it came to the glass
in installments.
223
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:55,050
He rolled up some corn leaf joints
and smoked thirty or forty a day.
224
00:13:55,220 --> 00:13:57,051
Every day, twice a day
225
00:13:57,260 --> 00:13:59,455
from the age of three
until he was ninety six,
226
00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:03,249
and at ninety four he donated a lung
to a 20 year old kid.
227
00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:08,018
That one guy who years later
became the goalkeeper for Oporto.
228
00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:09,175
That's it!
229
00:14:09,340 --> 00:14:11,012
Edmilson, the one
the crossbeam fell onto
230
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while he was having an asthma attack.
231
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:15,258
That's the one.
232
00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:17,419
So. Have you decided yet?
233
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:18,655
Look, could you make it
234
00:14:18,820 --> 00:14:20,492
a calamari sandwich
and a glass of wine, please?
235
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:23,811
That order has been put
on stand-bypass.
236
00:14:24,420 --> 00:14:27,332
Yeah, right, so you're preaching
about nutritional morals
237
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:28,933
and now you order
a calamari sandwich.
238
00:14:29,380 --> 00:14:31,655
You're right.
239
00:14:32,060 --> 00:14:35,894
Make mine with a leaf of lettuce,
but make it a really thin one.
240
00:14:36,140 --> 00:14:37,129
Don't make it with anything,
241
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:38,449
and if you do,
I'll bash your teeth in.
242
00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:39,973
Jesus, Zeze,
don't your realize I'm sick?
243
00:14:40,140 --> 00:14:41,095
I don't care.
244
00:14:41,260 --> 00:14:42,739
And I had to go to the ER.
245
00:14:43,020 --> 00:14:43,975
What do you want?
246
00:14:44,260 --> 00:14:47,297
For me to die
of a subcutaneous avitaminosis?
247
00:14:49,060 --> 00:14:50,015
A what?
248
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:51,249
Avitaminosis.
249
00:14:51,980 --> 00:14:56,849
Is that what you have?
So then, order a sandwich at least.
250
00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:59,496
It's about time.
251
00:15:00,380 --> 00:15:02,416
CLOSED FOR CONSTRUCTION
UNTIL A FEW YEARS FROM NOW
252
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:13,938
YOU'RE SO FULL OF IT WHEN
IT COMES TO PHILOSOPHISING...
253
00:15:15,340 --> 00:15:16,739
Jesus fucking Christ!
254
00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:19,256
Over here, quiet as an ass!
255
00:15:20,340 --> 00:15:21,295
And wouldn't you know it,
256
00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:22,415
this fucking machine
is out of order...
257
00:15:22,580 --> 00:15:24,298
I want chips, now!
258
00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:25,569
So what then, shall we get going?
259
00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:26,889
Are you ready?
260
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,733
I missed my turn
and it made my day, Zeze.
261
00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:33,259
What are you, a dumbfuck?
262
00:15:33,460 --> 00:15:34,813
This batbrain here
is a mystery to us all.
263
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:36,612
So like, you missed your turn
and it made your day?
264
00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:38,008
Exactly.
265
00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:41,492
Zeze, guess who
this mangled sicko is.
266
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:44,658
Jesus, it fucking looks like ET.
267
00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:46,890
It's not fucking ET. It's me.
268
00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:50,337
And is that that hanger
I swallowed that one time?
269
00:15:50,940 --> 00:15:52,532
That's it!
270
00:15:52,820 --> 00:15:55,050
Boy, did I have
to give it to you that day.
271
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:57,256
Of course,
I didn't want to open my mouth.
272
00:15:57,420 --> 00:16:01,936
Jesus, but that was more
than twenty years ago, right?
273
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:04,978
The thing is, I never had time
to come and get my x-rays.
274
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:07,530
My life recently has been hell.
275
00:16:07,780 --> 00:16:09,259
I haven't even been
sleeping in my bed.
276
00:16:10,340 --> 00:16:11,773
I was crashing there in the room.
277
00:16:12,340 --> 00:16:13,375
What about the hanger?
278
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:16,373
I don't know, it must be hanging out
around my liver by now.
279
00:16:16,580 --> 00:16:19,413
Which is why my liver
hurts so much... when I drink.
280
00:16:19,620 --> 00:16:22,009
Goddamn right,
with the hanger rusting and all.
281
00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:24,978
Anyway, we've got the papers now,
we're all set, let's get outta here.
282
00:16:25,220 --> 00:16:26,175
We're not going anywhere
283
00:16:26,380 --> 00:16:28,575
until this fucking vending machine
gives me my chips.
284
00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:31,377
Now wait, let's see.
The machine swallowed the coin?
285
00:16:32,060 --> 00:16:33,015
What coin?
286
00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:40,978
Jesus fucking Christ,
we hit rush hour!
287
00:16:41,340 --> 00:16:44,218
No problem.
Turn left; I know a shortcut.
288
00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:00,368
Godammit, you got us stuck
in the fucking traffic jam.
289
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,372
You're the one
who told me to turn left.
290
00:17:03,580 --> 00:17:05,093
It's because of the construction.
291
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,731
This fucking city
is always under construction.
292
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:09,333
They're fucking everything up.
293
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:13,019
Toni, open the door,
294
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,258
chips always give me gas.
295
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:18,499
Goddammit, what a fucking stench!
Don't tell anyone you're healthy.
296
00:17:20,940 --> 00:17:22,134
The door fell off!
297
00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:28,058
Dumbass, get that piece of shit moving
298
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:31,053
or I'll have to get out
and kick start it!
299
00:17:33,340 --> 00:17:34,978
Why the hell
are all these people here
300
00:17:35,140 --> 00:17:36,368
at the same time anyway?
301
00:17:36,580 --> 00:17:37,774
Because of work, Zeze.
302
00:17:38,180 --> 00:17:39,135
At this hour?
303
00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:41,053
There are people who work.
304
00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:43,937
Which is why this country
doesn't count for anything.
305
00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:46,373
Move it, jackass!
306
00:17:47,780 --> 00:17:52,808
Zeze, when I stop to think about it
and I see all this confusion,
307
00:17:53,020 --> 00:17:54,055
do you know what I think?
308
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:55,773
No, I don't even want to know.
309
00:17:56,140 --> 00:17:57,368
Well I'm going to tell you anyway.
310
00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:00,618
I think this society is unorganized.
311
00:18:01,420 --> 00:18:03,775
Some go to work for others,
312
00:18:04,220 --> 00:18:06,859
and the others go to work for us,
right?
313
00:18:07,140 --> 00:18:09,176
To work? To work, but badly.
314
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:12,011
Come on, get moving moron!
315
00:18:12,980 --> 00:18:16,290
This modern world.
It's all about competition.
316
00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:19,134
Every goddamn one of us
is blinded by money.
317
00:18:19,820 --> 00:18:23,369
What about ideals?
What ever happened to ideals?
318
00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:25,013
God knows
what it's going to be this time.
319
00:18:27,580 --> 00:18:29,218
This piece of shit radio
doesn't work or what?
320
00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:30,335
Of course it does.
321
00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:33,819
It's Janis Lopez!
322
00:18:34,060 --> 00:18:35,971
This chick knew
what she was talking about.
323
00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:38,859
She got sick and tired of it all
and got a one way ticket outta here.
324
00:18:39,820 --> 00:18:42,653
Janis Llopis
went to live in Estoril?
325
00:18:43,060 --> 00:18:44,129
Where did you read that?
326
00:18:44,380 --> 00:18:45,335
Jesus fucking Christ, Zeze!
327
00:18:45,620 --> 00:18:46,575
A one way ticket to the beyond,
328
00:18:46,740 --> 00:18:47,968
to beyond the beyond,
to the fifth dimension.
329
00:18:48,140 --> 00:18:50,700
Ever heard of it?
330
00:18:50,860 --> 00:18:53,738
Yes. I've heard something about
the heatstroke melting your head.
331
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,333
You're the one
who's beyond the beyond.
332
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:57,778
Zeze, when someone
goes to the beyond,
333
00:18:57,940 --> 00:18:58,895
they can't take anything with them,
334
00:18:59,060 --> 00:19:00,049
not even their car.
335
00:19:00,220 --> 00:19:01,175
Gosh what luck,
336
00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:05,493
can you imagine yourself
with this piece of junk in heaven,
337
00:19:06,420 --> 00:19:09,298
spewing out gasocarbonates
onto the head of Saint Peter?
338
00:19:09,660 --> 00:19:10,615
Goddamn right, let me tell ya.
339
00:19:10,780 --> 00:19:12,691
They'd kick you out faster
than you can say emissions test.
340
00:19:13,260 --> 00:19:14,978
This fucking Janis Gomez
is bustin my goddamn balls.
341
00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:19,939
Go fucking sing somewhere else,
in the beyond!
342
00:19:21,380 --> 00:19:23,450
You get all pissed off, man.
343
00:19:23,660 --> 00:19:27,050
Show some respect to Janis,
for fuck's sake, she's a legend.
344
00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:28,249
Respect the divine, dude.
345
00:19:29,020 --> 00:19:30,214
You want your face smashed in?
346
00:19:31,180 --> 00:19:32,772
If anyone in this car
347
00:19:32,940 --> 00:19:36,649
has more respect for the divine
than you, it's me... dumbfuck.
348
00:19:36,860 --> 00:19:39,090
You? For your information,
349
00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:42,491
I didn't get my First Communion
because they made me slave away
350
00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:43,689
to get baptized first.
351
00:19:43,860 --> 00:19:44,815
That's what I'm talking about.
352
00:19:44,980 --> 00:19:45,935
But, check this out.
353
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:47,055
At home I've got a rosary
354
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:51,179
and picture books of the story
of the resurrelection of Judas.
355
00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:53,172
But which one,
the Old Testament or the new one?
356
00:19:53,380 --> 00:19:55,052
No fucking idea.
I've had it for forever though.
357
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:56,415
Then it's the old one.
358
00:19:56,620 --> 00:19:58,656
Yeah, besides,
it's covered in cobwebs.
359
00:19:59,020 --> 00:19:59,975
Step on it!
360
00:20:00,540 --> 00:20:01,609
I've see people move faster
in the cemetery!
361
00:20:01,780 --> 00:20:02,735
Move your ass!
362
00:20:03,380 --> 00:20:06,292
What, did you win
your driver's license in a crap shoot!
363
00:20:06,660 --> 00:20:09,254
You know what this world needs?
364
00:20:09,740 --> 00:20:13,210
A new religion, Buddhism style, Om.
365
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:17,494
Or one like the Arabs got.
366
00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:19,379
The Arabic one isn't new.
367
00:20:19,860 --> 00:20:21,771
Ours began on May 13th in Fatima,
368
00:20:21,940 --> 00:20:23,578
and theirs
on September 11th in New York.
369
00:20:23,820 --> 00:20:26,618
Holy shit, Zeze,
you're a fucking genius with dates!
370
00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:27,775
Thank you.
371
00:20:28,420 --> 00:20:30,297
This motherfucking traffic jam
is pissing me off.
372
00:20:33,180 --> 00:20:35,171
Move your ass, dickhead
373
00:20:36,140 --> 00:20:39,735
or I'll rip out your eyeball
374
00:20:40,420 --> 00:20:42,376
and take a dump in the hole.
375
00:20:44,420 --> 00:20:47,457
You really need to learn
to respect your fellow man.
376
00:20:47,620 --> 00:20:48,973
Remember, God will choose...
377
00:20:49,380 --> 00:20:51,940
What do ya mean, God will chew?
That old bastard!
378
00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:57,893
Even if he had teeth,
they'd only be good for eating or...
379
00:20:58,140 --> 00:20:59,095
Or drinking?
380
00:20:59,260 --> 00:21:00,215
No, order...
381
00:21:00,380 --> 00:21:01,335
Ordering meals?
382
00:21:01,540 --> 00:21:02,814
No, order, order...
383
00:21:03,020 --> 00:21:04,135
Order to go, I'm getting hungry.
384
00:21:04,420 --> 00:21:05,978
Hors d'oeuvres goddammit,
385
00:21:06,660 --> 00:21:10,892
religious ones like angel food cake
or that pasta...
386
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:19,251
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
387
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:24,374
So Zeze, what did my father say?
388
00:21:24,860 --> 00:21:28,694
He said lots of things,
the old bastard.
389
00:21:28,940 --> 00:21:31,659
Still the same old chatterbox, no?
390
00:21:32,060 --> 00:21:33,732
But Toni, you never actually met him.
391
00:21:33,980 --> 00:21:37,609
Well no, which is why
I wanted to know all the details.
392
00:21:37,780 --> 00:21:39,850
I'm not sure
you're ready for that though.
393
00:21:40,020 --> 00:21:41,294
Of course I am, dude; I'm all ears!
394
00:21:42,940 --> 00:21:43,895
All right.
395
00:21:46,260 --> 00:21:47,579
But first let's pray.
396
00:21:47,860 --> 00:21:49,896
Pray? Zeze, I haven't even
washed my hands.
397
00:21:50,460 --> 00:21:52,098
On your knees, right now!
398
00:21:52,380 --> 00:21:54,735
I can't get on my knees
because of my arthrosis.
399
00:21:55,100 --> 00:21:59,173
I'm sorry, but my collar bones
just won't hold up.
400
00:21:59,460 --> 00:22:00,939
Toni, close your eyes!
401
00:22:01,260 --> 00:22:03,820
No way! If I close them,
you'll punch me, I know you.
402
00:22:04,020 --> 00:22:06,659
All right, then don't close them.
403
00:22:06,980 --> 00:22:09,448
Ready? Shit, praying's a breeze.
404
00:22:10,060 --> 00:22:13,097
Toni, don't tell me
you never learned how to pray.
405
00:22:13,700 --> 00:22:14,849
How am I going to learn how to pray
406
00:22:15,020 --> 00:22:16,089
if I never even learned
to speak right.
407
00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:19,178
I've never even set foot in a church
until today.
408
00:22:20,060 --> 00:22:22,335
You'd never set foot
in a church before, you heretic?
409
00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:25,489
Never. They never let me.
410
00:22:26,580 --> 00:22:30,129
Every time I went into the sacristies,
they yelled at me:
411
00:22:30,340 --> 00:22:33,537
Drop the brush, asshole
412
00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:36,898
and stop washing your feet
in the holy water!
413
00:22:38,060 --> 00:22:43,293
Toni, poor devil. You disgust me.
414
00:22:43,540 --> 00:22:44,575
Thank you.
415
00:22:45,340 --> 00:22:46,773
Come on now, take your confession!
416
00:22:46,980 --> 00:22:48,208
I really don't think so!
417
00:22:48,780 --> 00:22:49,929
Do I have to get on my knees?
418
00:22:54,220 --> 00:22:57,178
Zeze, give me your blessing
for I have sinned tones.
419
00:22:57,380 --> 00:22:59,814
I'm the priest here,
and I'm in charge.
420
00:23:00,220 --> 00:23:01,175
Forgive me.
421
00:23:01,740 --> 00:23:03,776
You're supposed
to ask forgiveness at the end.
422
00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:05,255
Yeah? To who?
423
00:23:05,420 --> 00:23:06,375
To me.
424
00:23:06,620 --> 00:23:09,214
To you? And what have I done to you
to have to ask for your forgiveness?
425
00:23:09,500 --> 00:23:10,819
Something, there's always something.
426
00:23:11,020 --> 00:23:12,214
Every time you open
that big mouth of yours,
427
00:23:12,380 --> 00:23:16,055
you hurt everyone around you.
So shut up!
428
00:23:16,500 --> 00:23:19,458
Okay, okay, chill out.
429
00:23:20,020 --> 00:23:24,013
I'm just sitting here
quiet as a mouse having a smoke...
430
00:23:24,460 --> 00:23:27,418
Toni, you're not allowed to smoke
in the confession booth.
431
00:23:27,860 --> 00:23:30,055
Fuck that! Where's the sign?
There's no sign in here.
432
00:23:30,380 --> 00:23:32,336
In the House of the Lord,
there are no signs.
433
00:23:32,540 --> 00:23:38,331
The House of the Lord is
a sign on the Great Highway of life.
434
00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:44,130
And so you will now
tell me your sins,
435
00:23:44,300 --> 00:23:46,370
and I'll sit here listening...
and laughing.
436
00:23:47,020 --> 00:23:50,808
Sins? Like what?
Like sneaking a smoke?
437
00:23:51,100 --> 00:23:52,294
Exactly.
438
00:23:54,060 --> 00:23:58,815
Tell me, have you ever
sneaked a smoke anywhere?
439
00:23:59,220 --> 00:24:00,733
Me? All the time.
440
00:24:03,140 --> 00:24:04,937
You see. Now we're getting
somewhere.
441
00:24:06,900 --> 00:24:09,255
And when was that, child of God?
442
00:24:10,380 --> 00:24:11,415
Now.
443
00:24:11,900 --> 00:24:15,609
You see? We've taken another step
in the right direction.
444
00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:18,812
And where was that?
445
00:24:19,460 --> 00:24:20,449
Here.
446
00:24:20,700 --> 00:24:23,533
You see? Here and now.
447
00:24:25,780 --> 00:24:28,453
Toni, are you smoking
in the confession booth?
448
00:24:28,660 --> 00:24:30,298
Of course I am, but I'm sneaking it.
449
00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:32,058
I told you there were
a lot of signs around
450
00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:34,051
and I didn't want to break the rules.
451
00:24:34,260 --> 00:24:37,411
Toni, this is filling up with smoke.
Are you trying to burn this all down?
452
00:24:38,500 --> 00:24:40,411
Fucking door is jammed!
453
00:24:40,660 --> 00:24:41,934
If you were on this side,
454
00:24:42,140 --> 00:24:44,859
you'd be safe cuz here
there's only a little curtain.
455
00:24:45,180 --> 00:24:47,410
Did you buy this velvet?
It's fucking great!
456
00:24:48,300 --> 00:24:49,779
Toni, there's too much smoke.
457
00:24:49,940 --> 00:24:51,168
This is on fire.
458
00:24:52,380 --> 00:24:55,816
Call the fire department,
the armed forces, the navy!
459
00:24:56,140 --> 00:24:57,653
I can't, there's no coverage here.
460
00:24:58,180 --> 00:24:59,772
You know
what these convents are like.
461
00:24:59,940 --> 00:25:01,737
Stone on stone, and then
things like this happen.
462
00:25:01,980 --> 00:25:02,935
And wouldn't you know it,
463
00:25:03,100 --> 00:25:05,170
I have a third degeneration
cell phone.
464
00:25:05,380 --> 00:25:06,733
Don't go and think it's just
some talkie-walker with an antenna.
465
00:25:06,940 --> 00:25:09,408
Go, go, save yourself
466
00:25:09,580 --> 00:25:11,650
and tell the world
I died a hero's death!
467
00:25:12,460 --> 00:25:14,894
That's all, folks!
468
00:25:17,820 --> 00:25:19,776
No, wait, wait, I've changed my mind.
469
00:25:19,940 --> 00:25:23,774
Save me
before I get toasted here alive.
470
00:25:24,220 --> 00:25:25,972
Zeze, you know what?
471
00:25:26,140 --> 00:25:31,533
If you told me what my father said,
God might give you a reward.
472
00:25:31,740 --> 00:25:33,571
I'll tell you everything,
I'll tell you everything.
473
00:25:33,740 --> 00:25:34,695
Cross your heart, hope...
474
00:25:34,860 --> 00:25:36,054
I'll stick a fucking needle
up my ass!
475
00:25:36,620 --> 00:25:37,575
Your ass or your eye?
476
00:25:37,980 --> 00:25:38,935
My...
477
00:25:39,300 --> 00:25:40,255
Your what?
478
00:25:40,420 --> 00:25:41,375
Both.
479
00:25:48,580 --> 00:25:51,652
From the outside,
this opens really easily.
480
00:25:51,980 --> 00:25:53,572
It must be the hinges.
481
00:25:53,780 --> 00:25:58,854
Have you put any lube spray
on the hinges recently?
482
00:26:03,620 --> 00:26:04,939
You saved me...
483
00:26:05,460 --> 00:26:08,497
Thank you, Lord, thank you, amen...
484
00:26:08,660 --> 00:26:10,457
Let me tell ya amen, fella!
485
00:26:10,660 --> 00:26:13,857
Come on, tell me what my father said.
486
00:26:14,460 --> 00:26:17,497
I'll tell you. Jesus fucking Christ
will I ever tell you!
487
00:26:27,700 --> 00:26:32,728
THREE MONTHS EARLIER, MORE OR
LESS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER
488
00:26:50,700 --> 00:26:52,816
Steaky, Steaky, have you got
the meat ready for the stew yet?
489
00:26:53,020 --> 00:26:55,409
Everyone's so hungry
they're about to start a riot.
490
00:26:57,580 --> 00:26:58,774
It's coming.
491
00:27:14,740 --> 00:27:18,938
SINCE TRADITION RULES,
NO SAUSAGE STEW WITHOUT BEANS
492
00:27:42,860 --> 00:27:44,293
What the fuck is going on?
493
00:27:44,460 --> 00:27:46,132
Can't anyone take a crap in peace
around here?
494
00:27:46,300 --> 00:27:49,610
Cookie, Cookie, everyone's still
waiting for the stew.
495
00:27:49,820 --> 00:27:51,094
What's the problem?
I've got the beans already.
496
00:27:51,300 --> 00:27:52,255
Are they good?
497
00:27:52,420 --> 00:27:53,375
Fucking delicious!
498
00:27:53,540 --> 00:27:54,768
I tried them last night at dinner
499
00:27:55,020 --> 00:27:56,692
and the only time I left the bathroom
was to have a smoke.
500
00:27:56,900 --> 00:27:58,015
How great!
501
00:28:12,580 --> 00:28:14,810
Hey there, Chump,
that's quite a stump!
502
00:28:23,540 --> 00:28:25,292
Agent Chump, what a nasty bump.
503
00:28:25,540 --> 00:28:27,974
We're gonna have to cut off traffic
in the neighborhood, no?
504
00:28:28,140 --> 00:28:29,175
Otherwise, there won't be any stew.
505
00:28:36,100 --> 00:28:37,772
Damn, I almost cut off my mustache!
506
00:28:38,100 --> 00:28:39,374
Yes, my love?
507
00:28:39,820 --> 00:28:41,890
Some people have come to talk to you.
508
00:28:42,180 --> 00:28:43,772
Tell them I've already paid, sweetie.
509
00:28:44,100 --> 00:28:46,295
Tell them yourself,
I ain't your servant.
510
00:28:46,500 --> 00:28:48,650
Or did you think
this was the Ritz Hotel?
511
00:28:49,260 --> 00:28:52,252
No my love, it was just
a little favor I was asking you for.
512
00:28:52,500 --> 00:28:54,491
Little favor? If you want favors,
you'll have to pay for them.
513
00:28:54,780 --> 00:28:57,055
And you'll owe me some
if you dare go out partying
514
00:28:57,260 --> 00:28:58,534
without doing the dishes first.
515
00:28:59,060 --> 00:29:02,177
Don't worry, my darling.
I still haven't finished yet.
516
00:29:02,340 --> 00:29:05,855
Shut up and don't make any noise.
I'm going to do my legs!
517
00:29:10,420 --> 00:29:11,569
Get out of here,
go play in the pantry
518
00:29:11,820 --> 00:29:14,380
where there's more room!
519
00:29:16,500 --> 00:29:18,809
So, what the hell is going on
with you all, you bagpipe band?
520
00:29:19,460 --> 00:29:24,614
The question is this, Zeze:
We are here for the stew.
521
00:29:25,260 --> 00:29:28,411
We need your magic touch
in the kitchen.
522
00:29:29,300 --> 00:29:31,734
No way! Eat salad then!
523
00:29:32,140 --> 00:29:33,368
This year,
I'm not setting foot in there.
524
00:29:33,860 --> 00:29:36,215
But Zeze, without you,
the stew isn't the same.
525
00:29:36,980 --> 00:29:38,698
Last year they didn't let me
sing the fado.
526
00:29:38,900 --> 00:29:40,219
So then if I'm not fit for a stew
527
00:29:40,420 --> 00:29:43,139
that demands
my seasoned-stew presence.
528
00:29:47,700 --> 00:29:48,655
No!
529
00:29:49,700 --> 00:29:53,215
But Zeze, the mayor
has set up some speakers
530
00:29:53,460 --> 00:29:55,928
so you can sing the fado.
531
00:29:56,100 --> 00:29:58,216
And boy did it ever cost a fortune!
532
00:29:58,420 --> 00:29:59,375
Does it work?
533
00:29:59,580 --> 00:30:01,411
Of course it does.
They are Benito Camelas' speakers.
534
00:30:01,740 --> 00:30:02,695
Who? The fado singer?
535
00:30:02,860 --> 00:30:03,815
No, his brother.
536
00:30:03,980 --> 00:30:04,935
The drywaller?
537
00:30:05,100 --> 00:30:06,055
That's the one, him.
538
00:30:06,260 --> 00:30:07,249
What about musicians?
539
00:30:07,540 --> 00:30:10,213
One-handed Manolo is on the guitar,
540
00:30:10,420 --> 00:30:12,650
and Pepe the Hook
is on the tambourine.
541
00:30:21,700 --> 00:30:27,935
Damn, it's impossible to say no
with those artists!
542
00:30:28,380 --> 00:30:29,733
What about the artist's fee?
543
00:30:32,140 --> 00:30:34,700
The cash, the dough,
544
00:30:34,900 --> 00:30:38,609
what I charge
for artistic expenditure.
545
00:30:40,020 --> 00:30:45,299
Zeze, the money is all meant to go
to help the retarded.
546
00:30:45,740 --> 00:30:47,696
The retards? Fuck that!
547
00:30:47,900 --> 00:30:48,855
It's true.
548
00:30:49,020 --> 00:30:50,499
No.
- Yes.
549
00:30:52,220 --> 00:30:56,816
Fine, then I'll lend my talent
to the retards.
550
00:30:57,460 --> 00:30:59,416
You'll have to give me
a case of beer
551
00:30:59,740 --> 00:31:02,573
so my throat is suitably tuned,
mind you.
552
00:31:02,820 --> 00:31:05,812
Great throat, deep throat Zeze.
The greatest!
553
00:31:06,060 --> 00:31:09,018
Great it is, especially when
I get done doing the dishes.
554
00:31:09,220 --> 00:31:11,256
Otherwise, this isn't going anywhere.
555
00:31:12,820 --> 00:31:15,254
Sweetie pie, but here I am
with the scrubber in hand
556
00:31:15,420 --> 00:31:16,819
and the Palmolive on my nails.
557
00:31:18,020 --> 00:31:21,092
When I get a hold of her,
she's really going to get it.
558
00:31:21,340 --> 00:31:22,739
I'm going to bash her face in so hard,
559
00:31:22,940 --> 00:31:24,373
the only thing she'll have
left to cry with is her teeth.
560
00:31:24,540 --> 00:31:25,689
I heard that, Zeze.
561
00:31:26,940 --> 00:31:28,578
Just kidding, love.
562
00:31:30,100 --> 00:31:36,016
I was a little blonde bugger
And looked like a studder
563
00:31:37,340 --> 00:31:40,935
And my mother would say
She'd sell me one day
564
00:31:41,500 --> 00:31:43,013
Just like she did to my brother
565
00:31:44,340 --> 00:31:50,654
I was the loveliest little cherry
Ever born on the Tagus ferry
566
00:31:51,100 --> 00:31:53,568
Never was there another like me
567
00:31:53,860 --> 00:31:57,535
So lovely was I
That the mirror would cry
568
00:31:58,780 --> 00:32:04,889
I was also a dear
A funny little bat
569
00:32:05,260 --> 00:32:09,458
When my father saw me
He ran away fast
570
00:32:09,820 --> 00:32:12,288
And left me in the square
Just like that
571
00:32:13,300 --> 00:32:16,417
My mother was so upset
572
00:32:16,780 --> 00:32:19,738
One day she stopped talking to me
In a fit
573
00:32:19,940 --> 00:32:23,979
Running away from me in the night
As though I were such a fright
574
00:32:24,300 --> 00:32:26,291
And really I couldn't give a shit
575
00:32:27,740 --> 00:32:33,337
I was born in this neighborhood
Noble neighborhood of Lisbon
576
00:32:34,060 --> 00:32:36,415
I'm afraid of no one
577
00:32:36,820 --> 00:32:40,210
I start kicking shit
And I roast them right on the spit
578
00:32:41,540 --> 00:32:44,771
You sing badly and I don't like it
579
00:32:45,020 --> 00:32:47,978
You got any clothes to iron
580
00:32:48,340 --> 00:32:52,652
Cut out the bullshit and the wine
I want everything clean and fine
581
00:32:52,940 --> 00:32:55,659
Otherwise
I'll beat you into tomorrow.
582
00:32:55,980 --> 00:33:02,249
Zeze, you're screwed there buddy
Take it from me, old Toni
583
00:33:02,860 --> 00:33:06,978
You must be embarrassed
To take orders from your sweetie
584
00:33:07,220 --> 00:33:09,415
As though you were just a pussy.
585
00:33:10,300 --> 00:33:15,932
So let me tellya, fella!
I'm gonna beat your ass
586
00:33:17,020 --> 00:33:21,377
And you my darling chou-chou
Don't cramp my style
587
00:33:21,620 --> 00:33:23,497
And let me go make the stew.
588
00:33:24,860 --> 00:33:30,810
I'm not your fella, I'm Toni
- And me, my name is Zeze
589
00:33:31,460 --> 00:33:35,738
This neighborhood is ours
And for it we suffer
590
00:33:35,980 --> 00:33:38,289
My foot's fucked up anyway...
591
00:33:38,900 --> 00:33:45,135
We're two good buddies
What a friendship we have
592
00:33:45,780 --> 00:33:50,217
Let a brick fall out of the sky
And bash in our heads
593
00:33:50,580 --> 00:33:52,411
If it turns out a lie
594
00:33:53,380 --> 00:33:57,339
Let a brick fall out of the sky
And bash in our heads
595
00:33:57,540 --> 00:33:59,417
If it turns out a lie
596
00:34:04,060 --> 00:34:05,857
Thank you very much,
597
00:34:06,020 --> 00:34:08,056
I'd like to thank
my beloved wife Noquinhas
598
00:34:08,260 --> 00:34:09,488
who could not come to see me...
599
00:34:10,140 --> 00:34:14,452
Shut the hell up,
you too... goofball!
600
00:35:03,780 --> 00:35:05,008
I'm thirsty...
601
00:35:06,220 --> 00:35:08,609
Little fertile reptile!
602
00:35:09,340 --> 00:35:10,375
Wine!
603
00:35:11,620 --> 00:35:15,249
What have you done
to deserve a sip of bad wine
604
00:35:15,620 --> 00:35:18,930
from this brother of yours
in the leather pants?
605
00:35:20,900 --> 00:35:25,178
Holy shit! Are those real leather?
In this heat?
606
00:35:26,380 --> 00:35:27,699
Gimme wine, goddammit!
607
00:35:28,500 --> 00:35:33,096
You don't get it.
I could bathe you with cactus nectar.
608
00:35:33,500 --> 00:35:38,449
I could fill your throat
with fresh camel's milk.
609
00:35:39,300 --> 00:35:41,814
I could even drown you in tea
made by the baboons.
610
00:35:42,180 --> 00:35:43,659
But you don't deserve it.
611
00:35:44,260 --> 00:35:47,491
Forget about camel tea.
Fuck the bamboozles!
612
00:35:48,540 --> 00:35:52,328
All I want is wine.
Even if it comes out of a box.
613
00:35:53,900 --> 00:35:56,460
Drink sand, you crouching scorpion.
614
00:35:56,940 --> 00:36:00,250
You haven't moved a finger
to help your fellow man.
615
00:36:00,460 --> 00:36:03,054
You are the jealous Comanche
616
00:36:03,380 --> 00:36:05,371
who hacks apart the father
with a machete.
617
00:36:05,580 --> 00:36:07,491
Comanche? But in the army
618
00:36:07,660 --> 00:36:09,457
I never even made it
to quartermaster corporal.
619
00:36:10,980 --> 00:36:12,379
Who are you, pink floyd?
620
00:36:12,820 --> 00:36:17,735
Don't you recognize me,
moustache man? I'm Jimmy Morrison.
621
00:36:18,460 --> 00:36:19,415
Jimmy?
622
00:36:20,700 --> 00:36:21,769
Morrison.
623
00:36:23,380 --> 00:36:25,689
I've wanted to ask you something
for a long time now.
624
00:36:26,020 --> 00:36:28,898
I know.
It's what everyone wants to know.
625
00:36:29,140 --> 00:36:33,179
What was it like with all those babes
after the concerts?
626
00:36:33,460 --> 00:36:37,658
Them and me motherfucking
and all night long.
627
00:36:39,540 --> 00:36:42,930
No no, I want to know
if you happen to have a box of wine.
628
00:36:43,100 --> 00:36:46,251
Leave me alone,
I'm tempted to just dump you
629
00:36:46,420 --> 00:36:48,729
and let the vultures pick away at ya.
630
00:36:49,140 --> 00:36:51,495
Them big old birds?
Gimme a fucking break!
631
00:36:51,700 --> 00:36:55,295
If you bring me a casserole
and two garlic cloves,
632
00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:58,253
I'll make you a big ole kebab
right now.
633
00:36:58,420 --> 00:37:00,058
But first, gimme wine,
634
00:37:00,460 --> 00:37:01,495
wine!
635
00:37:02,420 --> 00:37:03,375
Wine!
636
00:37:03,540 --> 00:37:04,939
No, you annoying twit!
637
00:37:05,140 --> 00:37:07,131
You're gonna stay there
638
00:37:07,300 --> 00:37:08,733
with your tongue
stuck to the roof of your mouth.
639
00:37:08,940 --> 00:37:12,728
Help others to help you,
and you'll do yourself a favor.
640
00:37:13,020 --> 00:37:14,339
Don't even think about
drinking this wine,
641
00:37:14,540 --> 00:37:17,418
it's mine and there's little left;
I'm so thirsty I can't see straight.
642
00:37:26,140 --> 00:37:27,209
Wine!
643
00:37:27,540 --> 00:37:30,452
Animal, you almost look like
you just came out of the desert!
644
00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:34,695
Toni, I, have had a vision.
645
00:37:34,860 --> 00:37:36,054
With the first drink?
Gimme a fucking break!
646
00:37:36,220 --> 00:37:38,654
That usually happens to me
on the fifth... The fifth box.
647
00:37:40,420 --> 00:37:41,694
And it was there.
648
00:37:41,860 --> 00:37:43,009
That was the spot?
649
00:37:43,620 --> 00:37:45,690
No Toni,
it's just a figure of speech.
650
00:37:45,860 --> 00:37:47,339
Goddammit, so then
why don't you tell me everything?
651
00:37:47,500 --> 00:37:50,492
And that was when I realized
652
00:37:50,740 --> 00:37:53,777
that I had to travel the world
to help people, all people,
653
00:37:53,940 --> 00:37:54,895
and the retards.
654
00:37:55,060 --> 00:37:56,413
So like,
helping them cross at crosswalks?
655
00:37:56,820 --> 00:37:58,253
Dammit Toni, don't be stubborn!
656
00:37:58,740 --> 00:38:01,538
For retards,
the entire world is a crosswalk.
657
00:38:01,740 --> 00:38:03,219
Now that there are traffic lights,
there's no problem right?
658
00:38:03,380 --> 00:38:04,733
That way, the cars don't get 'em...
659
00:38:04,900 --> 00:38:06,731
Of course, that's the problem.
660
00:38:06,900 --> 00:38:09,130
The retards
are sick of getting run over
661
00:38:09,300 --> 00:38:14,135
and no one lifts
even a finger to help them.
662
00:38:14,540 --> 00:38:16,531
You know what this world needs?
663
00:38:16,700 --> 00:38:22,332
Sodilaritity,
Solitarity, Solitarieaty.
664
00:38:22,700 --> 00:38:25,931
Right, just three things.
665
00:38:26,340 --> 00:38:27,295
Zeze.
666
00:38:27,620 --> 00:38:30,532
The truth is with this kind of people
who help others,
667
00:38:31,140 --> 00:38:36,612
I'd like to be like those
who help save whales, and penguins,
668
00:38:37,100 --> 00:38:38,215
the ones from Green Piss.
669
00:38:38,460 --> 00:38:40,610
What exactly
and who the fuck is Green Piss?
670
00:38:40,820 --> 00:38:43,937
Zeze, Green Piss is a group led
by a hippy and his wife,
671
00:38:44,140 --> 00:38:47,291
who is totally insane
and goes around on a boat.
672
00:38:47,460 --> 00:38:48,449
And they usually go to hang out
at the North Pole.
673
00:38:48,620 --> 00:38:51,259
A hippy in the North Pole? How cool!
674
00:38:51,420 --> 00:38:52,648
But, what the hell is a hippy doing
in the North Pole?
675
00:38:52,820 --> 00:38:54,173
He goes around saving
the fucking little critters
676
00:38:54,380 --> 00:38:55,972
half frozen there on the tundra,
677
00:38:56,140 --> 00:38:57,698
waiting for the goddamn hippy
to come and save them, right?
678
00:38:57,900 --> 00:39:02,576
You know how many seals are killed
every year to make codfish liver oil
679
00:39:02,780 --> 00:39:05,010
and grease for shoe polish?
680
00:39:05,220 --> 00:39:06,175
Wait, wait.
681
00:39:06,340 --> 00:39:08,058
What is it that they do,
kill them or save them?
682
00:39:08,220 --> 00:39:10,370
I think there's something here
I don't get.
683
00:39:10,740 --> 00:39:13,049
Zeze, the hunters kill them,
684
00:39:13,220 --> 00:39:15,336
and the ones from Green Piss
save them, goddammit.
685
00:39:16,180 --> 00:39:18,740
They save them
and then they kill them?
686
00:39:18,900 --> 00:39:19,889
Goddammit, that's fucking sweet!
687
00:39:20,100 --> 00:39:21,453
The thing is, they're frozen.
688
00:39:21,660 --> 00:39:23,730
Haven't you ever watched
the Recovery Channel?
689
00:39:24,220 --> 00:39:27,098
The channel with all them
fucking critters jumping and humping
690
00:39:27,260 --> 00:39:28,215
all over the place?
691
00:39:28,380 --> 00:39:29,335
No.
692
00:39:29,500 --> 00:39:30,455
If you did,
693
00:39:30,940 --> 00:39:32,737
you'd realize a lot of critters
are good for absolutely nothing.
694
00:39:33,140 --> 00:39:34,619
So then, what do they eat?
695
00:39:35,060 --> 00:39:36,652
Hay, mosquitos...
696
00:39:37,140 --> 00:39:39,574
Fucking hippies,
they're worse than pigs.
697
00:39:39,820 --> 00:39:40,775
They'll eat anything.
698
00:39:40,940 --> 00:39:42,896
Dammit Zeze,
I'm talking about the seals.
699
00:39:43,100 --> 00:39:45,136
Hippies are vegetarians, aren't they?
700
00:39:45,340 --> 00:39:48,013
They only eat roots, birdseed,
and weird shit like that.
701
00:39:48,180 --> 00:39:51,331
They're like fucking birds.
It's like a kind of religion.
702
00:39:51,500 --> 00:39:53,297
They can't eat cadavers.
703
00:39:53,460 --> 00:39:55,337
Dammit, I can't eat cadavers either.
704
00:39:55,500 --> 00:39:57,218
No? And what are
beef sandwiches then?
705
00:39:58,460 --> 00:39:59,415
Beef sandwiches.
706
00:39:59,580 --> 00:40:02,413
And when you eat beef,
is the beef not dead previously?
707
00:40:02,860 --> 00:40:05,249
Gimme a break,
I'm going to eat live beef,
708
00:40:05,500 --> 00:40:06,455
come on...
709
00:40:07,180 --> 00:40:09,011
Zeze, I'm a normal guy,
710
00:40:09,220 --> 00:40:11,893
I'm not interested in how the beef
makes it to the plate.
711
00:40:12,060 --> 00:40:15,575
Look, I could even sign up
for the Green Piss thing,
712
00:40:15,780 --> 00:40:18,214
but only if they threw
the fucking hippies overboard
713
00:40:18,420 --> 00:40:20,172
and disinfected the boat.
714
00:40:20,420 --> 00:40:21,819
Fucking stinky hippie into the water!
715
00:40:22,260 --> 00:40:24,376
For your information,
I'm not in it for the seals.
716
00:40:24,580 --> 00:40:25,535
Is that right?
717
00:40:25,700 --> 00:40:26,735
No, fuck the goddamn seals!
718
00:40:26,900 --> 00:40:27,889
That's it. That's it.
719
00:40:28,220 --> 00:40:32,179
I'm in it to put an end
to all this oil company bullshit
720
00:40:32,380 --> 00:40:34,814
that is spilling diesel and tar
into the ocean.
721
00:40:35,020 --> 00:40:37,454
Goddamn right!
With gas at the price that it is,
722
00:40:37,660 --> 00:40:40,128
and these dudes
giving sardines drinks, right?
723
00:40:42,700 --> 00:40:46,170
Have you hear the phrase:
Shave the whale, fuck the planet?
724
00:40:46,420 --> 00:40:48,615
Zeze, when I saw that movie,
725
00:40:49,060 --> 00:40:52,052
I cried so much at that part
where that guy goes off to war
726
00:40:52,260 --> 00:40:54,296
and then comes back all fucked up.
727
00:40:54,580 --> 00:40:58,937
Movie, my ass! We're talking
About Green Piss and diesel.
728
00:41:01,180 --> 00:41:04,217
Zeze, speaking about movies
about retards,
729
00:41:04,460 --> 00:41:07,258
what part of the movie
is my father in?
730
00:41:07,580 --> 00:41:09,059
Much later.
731
00:41:09,540 --> 00:41:10,495
After intermission?
732
00:41:10,820 --> 00:41:12,811
No, much later.
733
00:41:17,500 --> 00:41:18,455
Toni!
734
00:41:22,740 --> 00:41:25,049
ONE MONTH EARLIER
735
00:41:26,740 --> 00:41:28,651
I prefer those westerns
736
00:41:28,860 --> 00:41:30,930
where the cowboys kill off
all the Indians.
737
00:41:31,420 --> 00:41:34,139
The one I liked was
"The Last Orangutan in Paris".
738
00:41:37,860 --> 00:41:39,259
Awesome.
739
00:41:39,540 --> 00:41:41,496
Totally, who was in it?
740
00:41:41,940 --> 00:41:44,249
Tom Cruise and his wife,
741
00:41:44,500 --> 00:41:46,218
that mulatta who's hotter
than a Christmas turkey.
742
00:41:46,380 --> 00:41:47,369
Jenny Blowlozez!
743
00:41:47,620 --> 00:41:48,575
Where? Where?
744
00:41:48,820 --> 00:41:50,014
In the movie, dammit.
745
00:41:52,940 --> 00:41:55,500
Look man, the cowboy movie
of all cowboy movies,
746
00:41:55,700 --> 00:41:59,409
the king of them all,
"The Good, the Bad and the Snugly",
747
00:42:07,140 --> 00:42:09,700
with Clinton Eastwood
as the good guy,
748
00:42:11,460 --> 00:42:14,179
Omar Sheriff as the Sherrif,
evil as a cobra...
749
00:42:14,380 --> 00:42:16,610
That guy is like
a fucking rattlesnake.
750
00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:18,934
And in the role of the "Snugly",
751
00:42:19,180 --> 00:42:22,490
that great distributor
of open-handed wallops,
752
00:42:22,700 --> 00:42:24,338
none other than Brute Spencer.
753
00:42:24,500 --> 00:42:26,058
Fuck yeah, Brute Spencer, damn.
754
00:42:26,220 --> 00:42:31,852
For me, Bruce Ling kicked away
more ass than Brute Spencer.
755
00:42:32,020 --> 00:42:35,092
Now we're talking
about the elite, the gods.
756
00:42:35,300 --> 00:42:39,771
You can't put Bruce Ling
and Brute Spencer in the same sack.
757
00:42:39,940 --> 00:42:41,453
You can't put them in the same sack
cause they won't fit, right.
758
00:42:41,620 --> 00:42:42,609
Of course.
759
00:42:42,860 --> 00:42:44,851
Bruce Ling and his immortal classics,
760
00:42:45,060 --> 00:42:48,257
"The Fury of the Dragon",
"The Elbow of the Dragon".
761
00:42:48,460 --> 00:42:49,609
"The Punching Hand of the Dragon",
762
00:42:49,780 --> 00:42:50,929
"The Dragon goes to the Beach".
763
00:42:51,100 --> 00:42:52,055
Who's in that?
764
00:42:52,260 --> 00:42:53,739
With "The Dragon's Children"...
765
00:42:53,940 --> 00:42:55,692
And the great classic of all classics,
766
00:42:55,980 --> 00:42:58,733
"Land When you Can
on the Great Wall of China
767
00:42:58,900 --> 00:43:00,572
"with the Seven Samurais"...
768
00:43:01,060 --> 00:43:02,334
That title doesn't have dragon in it?
769
00:43:03,100 --> 00:43:04,249
You didn't let me finish:
770
00:43:04,420 --> 00:43:06,012
"Land When you Can
on the Great Wall of China
771
00:43:06,180 --> 00:43:08,853
"with the Seven Samurais
Fleeing from the Dragon."
772
00:43:10,900 --> 00:43:13,414
That one's about the Chinese mafia.
773
00:43:13,940 --> 00:43:14,895
Fuck yeah, it is!
774
00:43:16,020 --> 00:43:21,140
Make your illegal bets,
give me a note, I'll give you a note.
775
00:43:21,500 --> 00:43:28,690
We accept everything; euros, dollars,
piastras, ruples, petro-dollars!
776
00:43:28,860 --> 00:43:30,816
Fujimori, repeat after me:
777
00:43:30,980 --> 00:43:32,493
I am a brutal murderer!
778
00:43:33,820 --> 00:43:38,211
Come on! I am a brutal murderer!
779
00:43:49,060 --> 00:43:50,891
And so, Samurai, are you strong?
780
00:43:51,180 --> 00:43:53,535
Stronger than a chilindron.
781
00:43:54,620 --> 00:44:00,217
Samurai, show me the feline spirit
within you, you big ole cock...!
782
00:44:04,580 --> 00:44:06,172
Listen, I bet it all on you.
783
00:44:06,340 --> 00:44:08,900
So now you know,
victory or chilindron!
784
00:44:09,380 --> 00:44:10,733
With peppers!
785
00:44:14,860 --> 00:44:16,213
People of China!
786
00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:19,060
We are about to start
the traditional combat
787
00:44:19,260 --> 00:44:20,818
that will make its premiere today,
788
00:44:20,980 --> 00:44:26,213
in the traditional illegal
Chinese cockfight of Kazuza!
789
00:44:30,220 --> 00:44:34,498
From Siam, where he spent ten years
with his master Toni,
790
00:44:34,700 --> 00:44:37,419
perfecting the crane style
791
00:44:37,620 --> 00:44:40,134
and the use of the katana-cachava
and the cachava-katana,
792
00:44:40,340 --> 00:44:41,773
a big applause for
793
00:44:41,980 --> 00:44:45,416
Samurai,
the Hurricane of the Azores.
794
00:44:51,980 --> 00:44:52,935
Concentrate.
795
00:44:53,180 --> 00:44:59,858
And now, straight from the small town
in butt-fucking Egypt,
796
00:45:00,020 --> 00:45:03,899
where he spent the last three days
in a vow of silence,
797
00:45:04,100 --> 00:45:06,409
with his manager-a-trois, Zeze,
798
00:45:06,660 --> 00:45:09,379
the leading specialist
on the bat technique
799
00:45:09,540 --> 00:45:11,531
and the hog trot escape,
800
00:45:11,700 --> 00:45:12,655
a round of applause for
801
00:45:12,860 --> 00:45:14,896
Fujimori,
the Crook from Machu-Pichu.
802
00:45:25,620 --> 00:45:28,418
Pray your last prayers,
803
00:45:28,780 --> 00:45:31,817
The Fujimori is going to beat
the crest right off
804
00:45:31,980 --> 00:45:34,778
of that messenger pigeon.
805
00:45:36,140 --> 00:45:40,531
My friend, listen well,
you should know that Samurai
806
00:45:40,700 --> 00:45:42,895
comes from an ancient line
of warrior cocks
807
00:45:43,060 --> 00:45:45,528
from the times of Inspector Ming.
808
00:45:47,220 --> 00:45:48,619
The great grandfather
of that cock alone
809
00:45:48,780 --> 00:45:52,693
fed all the workers
who built the Great Wall
810
00:45:53,020 --> 00:45:54,089
and its surroundings.
811
00:45:55,260 --> 00:45:58,889
I'm warning you, Fujimori
is a black belt in capoeira.
812
00:45:59,180 --> 00:46:00,693
This cock is really macho,
813
00:46:00,860 --> 00:46:07,095
a Rock Hurlson, an Al Modovar,
a Freddy Merculin.
814
00:46:07,500 --> 00:46:11,288
Freddy Merculin, why are talking
about that poor guy, he's dead.
815
00:46:11,620 --> 00:46:14,054
Doesn't matter, a man who's macho
is always a macho man,
816
00:46:14,340 --> 00:46:15,489
even if he's a cock.
817
00:46:18,300 --> 00:46:20,131
Zeze, I don't mean
to sweeten the pill,
818
00:46:20,340 --> 00:46:22,979
but I think that cock, when he sings,
is a little queer...
819
00:46:24,260 --> 00:46:25,534
Queer?
820
00:46:25,940 --> 00:46:29,250
Yeah, a poof, like those guys
who get married in Spain,
821
00:46:29,420 --> 00:46:31,092
to each other, without chicks,
822
00:46:31,340 --> 00:46:33,376
and believing in God
and in Elton John.
823
00:46:40,980 --> 00:46:42,971
Zeze, did you fall asleep?
824
00:46:43,180 --> 00:46:46,172
This it totally awesome, man.
The cock has laid an egg.
825
00:46:46,380 --> 00:46:47,779
That only happens in the movies.
826
00:46:47,980 --> 00:46:49,572
I've seen this movie on video.
827
00:46:49,900 --> 00:46:51,413
This movie just came out today.
828
00:46:51,740 --> 00:46:54,857
With that guy,
I've seen it tones of times.
829
00:46:55,100 --> 00:46:58,058
All right then, what happens later?
Come on, tell me.
830
00:46:58,460 --> 00:47:00,257
If I tell you, I'll ruin it for you.
831
00:47:00,460 --> 00:47:04,373
Come on dammit, tell me how it ends;
I'm getting impatient.
832
00:47:04,540 --> 00:47:06,019
Shut up and watch the movie.
833
00:47:06,220 --> 00:47:08,017
Go outside and talk!
834
00:47:08,540 --> 00:47:11,657
Shove your ticket up your ass,
moron!
835
00:47:12,380 --> 00:47:14,257
These fucking people are so rude.
836
00:47:14,500 --> 00:47:17,333
Jelou, It is I, Toni speaking!
837
00:47:18,340 --> 00:47:19,295
Cookie!
838
00:47:19,500 --> 00:47:21,730
Is that you, ole buddy?
Where are you hanging, bud?
839
00:47:22,780 --> 00:47:24,930
At the movies? No shit, so am I!
840
00:47:26,460 --> 00:47:28,815
Would you shut the fuck up,
once and for all!
841
00:47:29,060 --> 00:47:30,015
What the hell,
842
00:47:30,180 --> 00:47:33,536
my friend can talk on the cell
in peace, or can't he?
843
00:47:34,140 --> 00:47:35,732
Wait and see me smear your
844
00:47:35,900 --> 00:47:37,811
ugly gullet across
your back of your seat with one punch!
845
00:47:37,980 --> 00:47:39,459
And what movie
are you watching Cookie?
846
00:47:40,460 --> 00:47:42,212
No shit, the same one I am!
847
00:47:43,060 --> 00:47:45,574
Shut up now, you motherfuckers!
848
00:47:46,380 --> 00:47:48,735
Who are you calling motherfucker,
dickface?
849
00:47:52,020 --> 00:47:53,772
Who's throwing popcorn at me?
850
00:47:53,980 --> 00:47:56,778
I want to know who threw the popcorn,
because otherwise...
851
00:48:00,860 --> 00:48:01,929
We'll talk...
852
00:48:02,340 --> 00:48:03,932
Zeze, guess who's here
in the theater.
853
00:48:04,220 --> 00:48:05,175
Who?
854
00:48:05,340 --> 00:48:06,295
Cookie.
855
00:48:06,500 --> 00:48:07,774
Cookie, where?
856
00:48:08,180 --> 00:48:09,659
I think he's in the back
because he said
857
00:48:09,820 --> 00:48:10,935
he couldn't hear the movie
858
00:48:11,140 --> 00:48:13,608
because two dumbfucks in front
wouldn't shut the hell up
859
00:48:13,780 --> 00:48:15,213
and he had to throw
a bag of popcorn at them
860
00:48:15,380 --> 00:48:16,415
to get them to shut up.
861
00:48:18,260 --> 00:48:19,659
Cookie, you're a dead man!
862
00:48:19,940 --> 00:48:21,931
Where were you
when I needed you?
863
00:48:22,540 --> 00:48:25,100
Did you see how the first four rows
were jumping on me
864
00:48:25,260 --> 00:48:26,488
and beating the shit out of me,
865
00:48:26,700 --> 00:48:29,134
and you didn't even lift a finger.
866
00:48:29,540 --> 00:48:32,691
So you need me?
You don't need me for anything.
867
00:48:32,900 --> 00:48:33,969
You're an ingrate.
868
00:48:34,140 --> 00:48:36,813
Because of you,
I don't know how the movie ends.
869
00:48:37,020 --> 00:48:38,897
I know how it ends,
you want me to tell you?
870
00:48:39,060 --> 00:48:42,097
No, I don't want to ruin it.
871
00:48:44,660 --> 00:48:46,252
They all get napalmed.
872
00:48:47,780 --> 00:48:49,133
It's a bloodbath.
873
00:48:49,580 --> 00:48:51,855
But they do get married,
or don't they?
874
00:48:52,260 --> 00:48:53,659
Of course they do.
875
00:48:53,820 --> 00:48:57,256
This movie is like
those romantic comedies.
876
00:48:57,420 --> 00:49:02,130
As soon as it starts raining a little,
they all start singing and dancing.
877
00:49:02,660 --> 00:49:06,369
Like those Fred Astaire
and Ginger Ale movies.
878
00:49:08,140 --> 00:49:15,012
I'm sailing in the train
I'm sailing in the train...
879
00:49:32,260 --> 00:49:33,488
Shut it, dirty drunks!
880
00:49:35,140 --> 00:49:36,334
Right on!
881
00:49:36,740 --> 00:49:41,495
MAY GOD FORGIVE YOU
FOR ALL THE EVIL I'VE DONE
882
00:49:43,740 --> 00:49:46,379
This man is one of the most important
883
00:49:46,540 --> 00:49:48,895
in the history
of the neighborhood in general,
884
00:49:49,140 --> 00:49:51,893
and in the history of Portugal
in particular.
885
00:49:52,260 --> 00:49:55,172
It's necessary to have great respect
for this gentleman.
886
00:49:55,620 --> 00:50:01,217
The Infant, Don Fuas Bogalho,
the Atrophiator.
887
00:50:01,380 --> 00:50:03,814
Exactly, this man was the one
888
00:50:03,980 --> 00:50:06,540
who discovered
the sea passage to Spain.
889
00:50:07,020 --> 00:50:08,692
What?
890
00:50:09,740 --> 00:50:10,729
On a donkey.
891
00:50:11,180 --> 00:50:13,489
Hang on a sec, didn't you say
it was a sea passage?
892
00:50:13,780 --> 00:50:15,259
And donkeys don't know
how to swim?
893
00:50:15,500 --> 00:50:16,455
To Spain?
894
00:50:16,660 --> 00:50:17,615
Donkeys can swim
895
00:50:17,780 --> 00:50:19,179
wherever they goddamn
want to swim.
896
00:50:20,540 --> 00:50:24,249
Poor thing, the stupid donkey
who wound up rowing his ass off.
897
00:50:24,620 --> 00:50:25,814
What was the donkey's name?
898
00:50:26,540 --> 00:50:27,495
Popeye.
899
00:50:30,500 --> 00:50:38,737
In 1467, Don Fuas
got totally wasted on grape liquor.
900
00:50:39,060 --> 00:50:41,779
And then he bought a shinoe.
901
00:50:41,980 --> 00:50:43,299
The end is near.
902
00:50:43,900 --> 00:50:45,697
Shinoe, a shinoe.
903
00:50:45,860 --> 00:50:48,010
The end is near,
I saw...
904
00:50:48,660 --> 00:50:50,651
Shinoe, a ship, a canoe
905
00:50:50,820 --> 00:50:51,775
Canoe...
906
00:50:53,700 --> 00:50:56,009
The shinoe "capitapitana",
907
00:50:56,500 --> 00:51:01,016
in homage to the Gallic-Roman
908
00:51:01,180 --> 00:51:05,253
goddess of the Starfish
and deep fried squid.
909
00:51:08,820 --> 00:51:10,378
"Capitapitana".
910
00:51:10,740 --> 00:51:13,732
Wasn't that the saint famous
for eating roses?
911
00:51:14,140 --> 00:51:15,459
Yeah, that's the one.
912
00:51:16,500 --> 00:51:19,936
As I was saying, Don Fuas came down
913
00:51:20,100 --> 00:51:24,378
with a nasty case
of the plutonic plague in his ears
914
00:51:24,740 --> 00:51:27,573
and so he had to get healed
at the hot baths.
915
00:51:28,100 --> 00:51:31,536
And when they were
pressure spraying him in the face,
916
00:51:31,700 --> 00:51:32,894
he made a decision.
917
00:51:33,060 --> 00:51:35,255
But wait, they were healing him
by pressure spraying water?
918
00:51:35,460 --> 00:51:36,415
Yes.
919
00:51:36,620 --> 00:51:39,180
How awful! If instead of water,
it were wine...
920
00:51:39,380 --> 00:51:41,689
He decided to go to the Indies.
921
00:51:41,900 --> 00:51:45,097
And why to the Indies?
What had they done?
922
00:51:45,300 --> 00:51:47,018
I don't understand this story at all.
923
00:51:47,340 --> 00:51:51,936
You will come to understand it
in due time, your worship.
924
00:51:52,900 --> 00:51:57,576
As in all the great epics of humanity,
Spain was discovered by chance,
925
00:51:58,140 --> 00:52:01,610
because Don Fuas was convinced
he was conquering the Indies.
926
00:52:02,020 --> 00:52:03,339
So what's with the Indies,
are they hotties?
927
00:52:03,500 --> 00:52:04,853
The Indies are good lands...
928
00:52:05,020 --> 00:52:07,011
That means...
929
00:52:08,140 --> 00:52:09,095
India in sight!
930
00:52:09,300 --> 00:52:10,289
Where? Where?
931
00:52:10,820 --> 00:52:12,970
It's just pretend
for argument's sake.
932
00:52:13,780 --> 00:52:17,455
VIERNES, HACE 539 AÑOS
933
00:52:26,220 --> 00:52:28,176
Your worship, to drink
on this long journey ahead,
934
00:52:28,340 --> 00:52:29,739
have you brought beers?
935
00:52:30,060 --> 00:52:32,620
I brought what I could, sir.
936
00:52:32,780 --> 00:52:34,816
I thought that
en route to the Indies,
937
00:52:35,140 --> 00:52:37,813
we would dock in Badajoz
938
00:52:38,020 --> 00:52:41,615
and have some tapas
and a little wine.
939
00:52:41,780 --> 00:52:42,929
Your worship has miscalculated;
940
00:52:43,100 --> 00:52:45,136
we are traveling
on a highway without stops.
941
00:52:45,540 --> 00:52:47,690
Very well,
how enlightened Don Foola Bogalho.
942
00:52:47,940 --> 00:52:49,817
Fuas, Fuas.
943
00:52:50,300 --> 00:52:53,975
Very well, how enlightened
Don Fuas Bogalho.
944
00:52:54,380 --> 00:52:56,848
That way, we can stop
at the gas station of Almendrajejo
945
00:52:57,020 --> 00:53:00,296
and buy some sausages
that have no skin on the tip.
946
00:53:00,460 --> 00:53:01,609
And then carry on,
as fast as possible.
947
00:53:02,020 --> 00:53:02,975
Now that you mention it,
948
00:53:03,260 --> 00:53:05,057
doesn't your worship think
we are going exceedingly fast?
949
00:53:05,420 --> 00:53:08,935
Look at the oil on the curve;
950
00:53:09,620 --> 00:53:10,575
observe the danger.
951
00:53:11,140 --> 00:53:13,256
Pray your final prayers,
952
00:53:13,580 --> 00:53:15,935
we are going to have
one heck of a crash.
953
00:53:16,780 --> 00:53:17,769
Look out!
954
00:53:28,540 --> 00:53:30,019
The expedition is in great danger
955
00:53:30,700 --> 00:53:33,168
and the gasping skeleton
of Don Fuas Bogalho
956
00:53:33,340 --> 00:53:35,171
was scattered all over the sea
957
00:53:35,700 --> 00:53:38,737
as though he were a cat
run over on the highway.
958
00:53:38,980 --> 00:53:40,936
Jesus fucking Christ,
I busted a headlight!
959
00:53:42,100 --> 00:53:43,089
Calm down!
960
00:53:43,260 --> 00:53:47,378
The great navigators
are always successful, keep calm!
961
00:53:47,620 --> 00:53:49,212
I am calm,
I just have a broken headlight.
962
00:53:49,380 --> 00:53:50,608
So who's going to pay
for my headlight?
963
00:53:50,780 --> 00:53:52,532
Forget the headlight,
this is just pretend.
964
00:53:52,820 --> 00:53:54,856
And what about the car insurance?
Does it cover pretend headlights?
965
00:53:55,220 --> 00:53:59,133
I suppose it does.
966
00:53:59,300 --> 00:54:00,653
So then it's all taken care of.
967
00:54:01,060 --> 00:54:02,049
Can we proceed
968
00:54:02,220 --> 00:54:07,419
or do the great deeds of navigation
have to wait for your Excellency?
969
00:54:09,900 --> 00:54:12,539
Come, Don Falcatruas Rodaballo!
970
00:54:13,060 --> 00:54:15,051
Fuas, Fuas.
971
00:54:15,340 --> 00:54:18,138
Come, for necessity calls for genius.
972
00:54:18,900 --> 00:54:21,698
What are my ears hearing?
973
00:54:22,820 --> 00:54:25,380
Could it be the famous
Sirens of Lover's Island,
974
00:54:25,620 --> 00:54:27,053
with their bulging eyes?
975
00:54:27,420 --> 00:54:30,059
With a bit of luck,
might we still find Camões?
976
00:54:30,940 --> 00:54:32,817
Have you heard of the Sirens?
977
00:54:33,820 --> 00:54:36,380
The ones who are whales
from the waist up,
978
00:54:36,580 --> 00:54:38,059
and salmons from the waist down?
979
00:54:38,220 --> 00:54:40,290
Shit, that's what my wife looks like.
980
00:54:40,460 --> 00:54:42,291
Hurry, hurry, if she finds me here,
981
00:54:42,580 --> 00:54:45,094
she'll beat me so bad
my mom won't even be able to save me!
982
00:54:48,340 --> 00:54:49,295
An ass!
983
00:54:49,540 --> 00:54:50,734
Are you talking to me, sir?
984
00:54:50,900 --> 00:54:57,055
No, I'm talking about the donkey
that Don Quixote rode.
985
00:54:58,580 --> 00:55:00,810
Put your hands
in the shape of a shell...
986
00:55:01,900 --> 00:55:03,299
I really don't think so!
987
00:55:03,540 --> 00:55:07,453
Do it, before you get
a taste of violence of my foil!
988
00:55:24,700 --> 00:55:26,531
THE INVASION OF SPAIN
989
00:55:48,140 --> 00:55:49,095
We have arrived.
990
00:55:49,260 --> 00:55:50,215
So I've noticed, sir.
991
00:55:50,380 --> 00:55:53,372
Have you brought mirrors to trade
for the necklaces of the natives?
992
00:55:53,620 --> 00:55:54,575
Jesus fucking Christ!
993
00:55:54,820 --> 00:55:57,334
We brought necklaces
to trade for mirrors.
994
00:55:57,540 --> 00:55:59,929
No big deal.
Let's go have a drink
995
00:56:00,180 --> 00:56:02,569
to quell the scorching dirt
from our throats.
996
00:56:11,780 --> 00:56:14,248
You see how I'm famous
among the Indians of the Indies!
997
00:56:14,500 --> 00:56:17,298
Are you sure
we've never been here before?
998
00:56:17,580 --> 00:56:21,129
I am clearly the first
to tread this spot.
999
00:56:25,860 --> 00:56:28,533
And so sons of...
1000
00:56:28,980 --> 00:56:31,619
we have had here for
a... long time a score to settle.
1001
00:56:31,940 --> 00:56:33,339
What does that one say?
1002
00:56:33,660 --> 00:56:36,493
I don't understand anything
cause he's talking with beeps.
1003
00:56:37,140 --> 00:56:38,459
Let me tell you.
1004
00:56:39,940 --> 00:56:41,293
Toni and Zeze.
1005
00:56:42,340 --> 00:56:45,298
Four grilled pig ears, 3 euros,
1006
00:56:46,020 --> 00:56:50,536
three tripe stews with chick peas,
5 and a half euros,
1007
00:56:51,460 --> 00:56:55,692
eleven sandwiches with gypsy tripe,
24 euros,
1008
00:56:56,220 --> 00:57:01,374
seven hundred thirty four beers
506'304 euros...
1009
00:57:01,900 --> 00:57:05,893
Look, the king of the Indies
is trying to communicate with us.
1010
00:57:06,340 --> 00:57:11,289
Saravá, Aloha, Salamalekun...
1011
00:57:11,540 --> 00:57:13,451
He is Don Gasuas.
1012
00:57:13,700 --> 00:57:14,689
Fuas.
1013
00:57:14,940 --> 00:57:19,775
Fuas, Fuas... You Tarzan, me Jane.
1014
00:57:29,660 --> 00:57:32,970
Total of 600 euros and 4 cents.
1015
00:57:33,780 --> 00:57:36,613
Because it's you, we'll round it off to 800
and we're all set.
1016
00:57:37,220 --> 00:57:42,419
Damn, and I thought they'd be friendly
to the Portuguese discoverers.
1017
00:57:44,420 --> 00:57:46,251
Pay now while you can,
1018
00:57:46,420 --> 00:57:50,379
or later you'll really
have to pay for it, you motherf...
1019
00:57:50,540 --> 00:57:52,212
Do you dare raise your voice;
1020
00:57:52,460 --> 00:57:55,213
you are going to get a whipping
on your miserable back,
1021
00:57:55,380 --> 00:57:58,770
in the name of the King, Don Patricc...
1022
00:58:04,020 --> 00:58:09,492
One week, you have one week
to pay for what you owe.
1023
00:58:10,500 --> 00:58:14,698
Otherwise I'll... the both of you.
1024
00:58:30,500 --> 00:58:31,535
How lovely!
1025
00:58:31,940 --> 00:58:34,374
Look, sure does like
licking that nastiness, no?
1026
00:58:34,860 --> 00:58:36,851
Beat it, goddamn mutt!
1027
00:58:37,020 --> 00:58:38,055
Poor dog.
1028
00:58:38,420 --> 00:58:42,538
Look at him,
now all he needs is to bark,
1029
00:58:42,700 --> 00:58:45,214
with those big sad eyes.
1030
00:58:47,380 --> 00:58:49,132
Zeze, this isn't pretend anymore,
is it?
1031
00:58:49,380 --> 00:58:50,415
Not anymore.
1032
00:58:50,620 --> 00:58:52,895
Let's go,
I have to get up early tomorrow.
1033
00:58:53,060 --> 00:58:54,015
What for?
1034
00:58:54,420 --> 00:58:55,455
Scram, mutt!
1035
00:58:56,340 --> 00:58:57,295
I have to go to the foot doctor
1036
00:58:57,460 --> 00:58:59,530
to have a callus that's been hurting
removed.
1037
00:58:59,860 --> 00:59:00,929
But now it doesn't hurt.
1038
00:59:01,500 --> 00:59:03,331
Yeah, it's the only thing
that doesn't hurt right now.
1039
00:59:05,500 --> 00:59:06,774
Hurry, hurry Zeze,
1040
00:59:06,940 --> 00:59:08,578
we're getting cobblestones
thrown at us!
1041
00:59:09,100 --> 00:59:10,089
Jesus fucking Christ!
It's your mother, Toni.
1042
00:59:10,260 --> 00:59:12,091
Go find your father, you dirty drunk.
1043
00:59:12,420 --> 00:59:13,899
Run, run!
1044
00:59:15,500 --> 00:59:17,456
Dona Antonia, what's wrong?
1045
00:59:17,620 --> 00:59:19,417
Why are you throwing stones at us
as though we were lberian lynx?
1046
00:59:19,580 --> 00:59:21,571
Run, run Zeze,
she's blinder than Mr. Magoo!
1047
00:59:21,780 --> 00:59:24,214
Get out of here, beat it,
1048
00:59:24,420 --> 00:59:26,775
you dirty drunk...
1049
00:59:30,660 --> 00:59:32,059
good for nothing!
1050
00:59:33,420 --> 00:59:35,251
Why does my mother
throw stones at me?
1051
00:59:35,500 --> 00:59:37,570
So you'll go look for your father.
1052
00:59:37,780 --> 00:59:39,133
I don't want to.
1053
00:59:39,420 --> 00:59:42,696
You must be waiting for your father
to fall out of the sky.
1054
00:59:43,380 --> 00:59:45,974
Toni, if the mouse
doesn't go to Mohammed,
1055
00:59:46,140 --> 00:59:47,778
Mohammed goes to the mountain.
1056
00:59:48,020 --> 00:59:48,975
Zeze, do you remember
1057
00:59:49,220 --> 00:59:52,530
when I wasn't in the neighborhood
for three years?
1058
00:59:52,900 --> 00:59:54,219
Of course I do,
1059
00:59:54,460 --> 00:59:56,655
they were the best
two weeks of my life.
1060
00:59:56,900 --> 01:00:00,097
Zeze, during that time,
I was out looking for my father.
1061
01:00:00,300 --> 01:00:01,619
And did you find him?
1062
01:00:02,060 --> 01:00:03,015
I don't think so.
1063
01:00:03,300 --> 01:00:04,255
So...
1064
01:00:04,420 --> 01:00:07,173
No one can accuse me
of not having looked.
1065
01:00:07,380 --> 01:00:09,052
Anyway, there are
certain people around here
1066
01:00:09,220 --> 01:00:10,812
who'd best keep their mouth shut.
1067
01:00:10,980 --> 01:00:13,494
What? Are you saying
I don't love my family?
1068
01:00:14,460 --> 01:00:17,657
For me, the most sacred things
that exist are the three "Fs",
1069
01:00:17,820 --> 01:00:20,937
which are
the pillars of our nationality:
1070
01:00:21,220 --> 01:00:26,772
FAMILY, FADO, and FOOTBALL,
and well, FATIMA...
1071
01:00:27,860 --> 01:00:30,533
Aren't you missing something?
1072
01:00:31,380 --> 01:00:32,574
And FIGO.
1073
01:00:33,260 --> 01:00:35,854
Zeze, nowadays no one pays any mind
to that bullshit.
1074
01:00:36,060 --> 01:00:39,211
What's really cool
are the three "Ps".
1075
01:00:39,460 --> 01:00:40,449
The three "Ps"?
1076
01:00:40,780 --> 01:00:43,214
PLAYERSTATION,
POP-ROCK-IN-THE-NATION...
1077
01:00:43,460 --> 01:00:44,654
and PORNICATION.
1078
01:00:45,700 --> 01:00:47,292
Fucking kids.
1079
01:00:47,460 --> 01:00:50,532
They don't respect
the national traditions.
1080
01:00:51,460 --> 01:00:52,859
Speaking of PLAYERSTATION,
1081
01:00:53,260 --> 01:00:56,377
do you have
"Brutal Combat Defecation 7"?
1082
01:00:56,580 --> 01:00:59,174
Of course I do,
but haven't played it yet.
1083
01:00:59,420 --> 01:01:02,890
What? You still haven't played
"Brutal Combat Defecation 7"?
1084
01:01:03,100 --> 01:01:05,614
You are so out, my friend, very out.
1085
01:01:05,780 --> 01:01:08,692
Zeze, I haven't played it yet
because it's in your house, you know?
1086
01:01:09,140 --> 01:01:14,533
Just like a ton of your CDs
that I have at home.
1087
01:01:14,700 --> 01:01:16,418
One of these days I'm going to sell
all that crapola.
1088
01:01:16,580 --> 01:01:18,571
I don't want CDs anymore.
I get it all off the internet.
1089
01:01:18,740 --> 01:01:20,173
You get it off the internet?
1090
01:01:20,340 --> 01:01:21,819
You should be ashamed.
1091
01:01:22,020 --> 01:01:23,009
Because of you,
1092
01:01:23,220 --> 01:01:27,054
people like Pitney Sprears
get their careers ruined,
1093
01:01:27,260 --> 01:01:29,569
a nice girl
who could be your daughter.
1094
01:01:29,780 --> 01:01:35,093
I wish.
Sexy mother-brother-fucker...
1095
01:01:38,060 --> 01:01:40,449
Zeze, you have to give back
the music to the internet
1096
01:01:40,660 --> 01:01:41,979
where you got it from.
1097
01:01:42,140 --> 01:01:43,812
All right, I'll give back the music
1098
01:01:44,020 --> 01:01:45,772
when you give back
the pictures of naked girls.
1099
01:01:45,980 --> 01:01:49,609
Naked girls?
But I download them for you...
1100
01:01:49,780 --> 01:01:52,089
Come on, man. Don't push it.
1101
01:01:52,260 --> 01:01:56,219
Boy, are you twisted,
I don't even have a computer.
1102
01:01:56,460 --> 01:01:58,052
I did have a computer connection
1103
01:01:58,220 --> 01:02:01,098
to the internet
with gastric bandwidth,
1104
01:02:01,300 --> 01:02:03,689
and you took it to your house,
asshole.
1105
01:02:03,860 --> 01:02:05,691
It's in my house,
but it belongs to you.
1106
01:02:05,940 --> 01:02:06,895
And therefore,
1107
01:02:07,060 --> 01:02:09,130
the one downloading music off internet
is you.
1108
01:02:09,300 --> 01:02:10,972
And that's what I'm going
to tell the coppers.
1109
01:02:11,180 --> 01:02:12,818
Zeze, don't get the fuzz
involved in this.
1110
01:02:12,980 --> 01:02:15,016
Let's solve this problem
in a civilized way.
1111
01:02:15,460 --> 01:02:16,859
You're a nervy bastard, man.
1112
01:02:17,060 --> 01:02:20,097
You should give all that filth
back to the Internet
1113
01:02:20,300 --> 01:02:21,653
before the cops get here.
1114
01:02:22,180 --> 01:02:23,135
Police!
1115
01:02:24,820 --> 01:02:26,856
Look Zeze, what I was saying.
1116
01:02:27,020 --> 01:02:30,137
This is what the kids call Pornication.
1117
01:02:31,980 --> 01:02:34,050
But didn't this used to be a market?
1118
01:02:34,420 --> 01:02:35,933
Yes, used to, but you know,
1119
01:02:36,140 --> 01:02:37,812
they are tearing down
all the most typical stuff.
1120
01:02:37,980 --> 01:02:38,935
How typical.
1121
01:02:39,140 --> 01:02:42,098
You know, instead of being
an historic landmark,
1122
01:02:42,340 --> 01:02:44,251
we have a temple of lust and sin.
1123
01:02:45,140 --> 01:02:47,654
For shame!
- They have no right!
1124
01:02:50,740 --> 01:02:51,695
Shall we go in?
1125
01:02:51,860 --> 01:02:52,815
Let's go in.
1126
01:03:00,180 --> 01:03:04,970
HELP YOURSELF, GOD WILL
TAKE CARE OF THE REST
1127
01:03:07,140 --> 01:03:08,129
Hey, chief!
1128
01:03:08,660 --> 01:03:11,652
That chick there in that orgy there,
her name's Lassie right?
1129
01:03:13,020 --> 01:03:17,536
No, it's Tera Patricks,
but if you want a movie with Lassie,
1130
01:03:17,700 --> 01:03:20,260
we have some
in the section for nutcases.
1131
01:03:20,940 --> 01:03:23,056
Your fucking nutcase mom.
1132
01:03:23,500 --> 01:03:24,455
See how you like getting
1133
01:03:24,660 --> 01:03:25,979
that machine
crammed down your throat!
1134
01:03:26,740 --> 01:03:29,208
Your place or mine, sweetie?
1135
01:03:31,700 --> 01:03:32,655
Toni!
1136
01:03:35,420 --> 01:03:36,739
Hang on, I'll be right there.
1137
01:03:39,020 --> 01:03:42,490
That's amazing, what crazy chicks.
1138
01:03:42,820 --> 01:03:44,299
They don't even know the guy
and look what they do to him!
1139
01:03:44,980 --> 01:03:45,935
Let me watch the rest.
1140
01:03:46,100 --> 01:03:47,613
But Toni, are you inside there?
1141
01:03:48,260 --> 01:03:49,579
No, it's another guy who's inside.
1142
01:03:50,100 --> 01:03:51,249
That's too bad!
1143
01:03:51,460 --> 01:03:54,452
The thing is, there are
some girls here who'd drive you crazy.
1144
01:03:54,780 --> 01:03:55,735
Holy shit!
1145
01:04:02,500 --> 01:04:03,489
Gotta coin?
1146
01:04:04,060 --> 01:04:05,015
Want me to coin you?
1147
01:04:05,300 --> 01:04:06,255
Yeah, coin me.
1148
01:04:07,700 --> 01:04:08,655
Here.
1149
01:04:09,500 --> 01:04:10,728
And I won't touch that shit
1150
01:04:11,260 --> 01:04:13,615
'cause I'm not vaccinated
against the paleontomielitica fever.
1151
01:04:14,020 --> 01:04:16,329
Take it and put it in the slot.
1152
01:04:17,020 --> 01:04:21,377
Zeze, I'm sure that place
is full of naked hot chicks.
1153
01:04:21,940 --> 01:04:22,895
Fuck.
1154
01:04:23,060 --> 01:04:24,015
Put it in.
1155
01:04:30,540 --> 01:04:32,098
In two words: A-mazing.
1156
01:04:32,420 --> 01:04:34,138
They're incredible!
1157
01:04:34,980 --> 01:04:38,256
Zeze, how the fuck do they make
the stage turn like that?
1158
01:04:38,580 --> 01:04:40,252
That they do with slave labor.
1159
01:04:40,540 --> 01:04:41,495
Down below there are a bunch
1160
01:04:41,660 --> 01:04:44,697
of Uranium, Romanium,
Bulgarium dwarves...
1161
01:04:45,100 --> 01:04:47,011
all pushing the wheel.
1162
01:04:47,500 --> 01:04:51,573
This country is full Africans,
poor things,
1163
01:04:51,860 --> 01:04:53,851
their backs must kill them
1164
01:04:54,140 --> 01:04:55,971
from pushing around
those buff hotties.
1165
01:04:56,660 --> 01:04:59,538
Quiet, we're watching the girls!
1166
01:05:03,300 --> 01:05:04,892
So, will you give me a coin?
1167
01:05:05,100 --> 01:05:06,055
What for?
1168
01:05:06,220 --> 01:05:07,175
For the girls.
1169
01:05:07,340 --> 01:05:08,489
And you think the girls
are going to let you see something
1170
01:05:08,700 --> 01:05:09,655
for a fucking coin?
1171
01:05:09,820 --> 01:05:11,378
Give me a coin
or I'll smash your face in!
1172
01:05:12,020 --> 01:05:13,499
All right, here.
1173
01:05:15,660 --> 01:05:16,649
Have fun.
1174
01:05:20,180 --> 01:05:21,329
What I really liked was to be there
1175
01:05:21,500 --> 01:05:24,492
in the midst of it all
giving it to them.
1176
01:05:24,980 --> 01:05:30,418
Take it, bitch; you want a pork rod?
1177
01:05:30,620 --> 01:05:35,853
I'm right here for ya, slut.
1178
01:05:36,340 --> 01:05:38,331
Take it, whore!
1179
01:05:40,980 --> 01:05:42,129
Watch me Toni.
1180
01:05:42,380 --> 01:05:45,258
I'm going to show you
how to treat these scrubbers.
1181
01:05:45,820 --> 01:05:47,299
You're watching right, Toni?
1182
01:05:48,740 --> 01:05:50,810
Where did that asshole go to?
1183
01:05:52,140 --> 01:05:53,209
Let go of me!
1184
01:05:53,460 --> 01:05:54,415
Toni!
1185
01:05:54,580 --> 01:05:55,535
Zeze!
1186
01:06:04,940 --> 01:06:06,578
Psalm 69.
1187
01:06:07,260 --> 01:06:09,376
Though I walk
in the valley of death,
1188
01:06:09,620 --> 01:06:12,930
I shall never fear,
for the Lord is at my side.
1189
01:06:14,300 --> 01:06:16,450
I do not see Him,
but I know He is with me.
1190
01:06:17,620 --> 01:06:19,531
I other words, I'm on my way...
1191
01:06:36,300 --> 01:06:40,179
For you, they're hotties,
pieces of ass,
1192
01:06:40,780 --> 01:06:43,533
but when Toni jumped on top
of those sluts,
1193
01:06:43,740 --> 01:06:47,369
Don Zeze decided that that was
a filthy place.
1194
01:06:47,700 --> 01:06:49,531
Toni, the light!
1195
01:06:49,780 --> 01:06:51,259
Light, you want light?
1196
01:06:51,540 --> 01:06:53,451
I'll give you light all right;
1197
01:06:53,660 --> 01:06:56,094
I'm going to give you
a hundred thousand amps in your face;
1198
01:06:56,260 --> 01:06:57,693
then you'll know what light is.
1199
01:07:00,460 --> 01:07:01,415
Did you like it?
1200
01:07:01,620 --> 01:07:07,377
Don Zeze might be there like
a champion giving it to the sluts.
1201
01:07:08,220 --> 01:07:12,532
But when it's everyone else's turn,
he starts kicking about like a mule.
1202
01:07:13,340 --> 01:07:15,331
I don't understand anything.
1203
01:07:15,780 --> 01:07:20,012
And I saw the light
and I saw God and the Lord.
1204
01:07:20,740 --> 01:07:22,651
And where there's smoke there's fire!
1205
01:07:22,860 --> 01:07:25,693
In the fire were the ladies,
with my smoke-cured body.
1206
01:07:25,900 --> 01:07:28,778
One of them told me:
It's the typical body of a smoker.
1207
01:07:29,060 --> 01:07:30,652
But then Mr. Zeze couldn't keep
1208
01:07:30,820 --> 01:07:35,689
his trap shut while the rest of us
had a bit of fun.
1209
01:07:35,980 --> 01:07:37,857
I am the Messiah
1210
01:07:38,060 --> 01:07:40,938
and you all will not silence
the word of the Lord.
1211
01:07:41,100 --> 01:07:42,692
I'll tell you all about
how you're going to shut up.
1212
01:07:42,980 --> 01:07:46,416
I'm gonna give you a half liter
of Prozoc with morphine
1213
01:07:46,620 --> 01:07:48,656
to see if you
shut the fuck up for once.
1214
01:07:48,860 --> 01:07:50,657
The one speaking here is me.
1215
01:07:54,180 --> 01:07:58,059
You don't understand me, Toni.
I'm a new man.
1216
01:07:58,780 --> 01:08:02,489
I've done an about face
of 380 degrees in my life.
1217
01:08:02,900 --> 01:08:05,698
And now it looks like
everything is starting over.
1218
01:08:05,980 --> 01:08:07,129
Shut up.
1219
01:08:07,340 --> 01:08:13,609
I was the one who they beat up
and vilified because of Mr. Zeze.
1220
01:08:13,860 --> 01:08:17,375
That is going to be
the yell of Tarzan.
1221
01:08:17,940 --> 01:08:19,168
Geronimo!
1222
01:08:21,340 --> 01:08:23,092
Do you remember
when I did jumping-jumping
1223
01:08:23,300 --> 01:08:27,737
with the bungee cords
and I hit that stone in the river?
1224
01:08:28,300 --> 01:08:31,531
Where were you again my friend?
1225
01:08:32,060 --> 01:08:34,733
I was drowning;
I jumped before you did.
1226
01:08:35,820 --> 01:08:36,935
Geronimo!
1227
01:08:40,020 --> 01:08:45,299
And where was that ass
when I ran over my dog?
1228
01:08:45,940 --> 01:08:48,090
It was clutching onto the wheel,
1229
01:08:48,300 --> 01:08:51,736
because it was partying with the dog
when you ran over it.
1230
01:08:52,420 --> 01:08:53,773
Geronimo!
1231
01:10:08,300 --> 01:10:11,098
What the hell is that? Goats?
1232
01:10:12,860 --> 01:10:16,455
They aren't goats.
This is my herd, little lassy.
1233
01:10:17,220 --> 01:10:18,892
Lassy?
1234
01:10:19,540 --> 01:10:26,252
What about you? What animal are you?
Half bird, half bat, and half bug.
1235
01:10:26,660 --> 01:10:29,572
If you ever get painted red,
you'll look like Batman.
1236
01:10:32,580 --> 01:10:38,689
Sit down, pull yourself together, man,
you're in a state of shocke.
1237
01:10:39,580 --> 01:10:41,730
Of shocke?
Don't tell me about shocks, goddammit.
1238
01:10:41,900 --> 01:10:43,538
If only a bolt of lightning
had struck that fucking Hemmingway
1239
01:10:43,700 --> 01:10:46,498
or whoever it was who helped him
to invent electricity!
1240
01:10:48,820 --> 01:10:51,095
What the fuck are we doing here
anyway?
1241
01:10:52,180 --> 01:10:55,331
Look around you; what is it you see?
1242
01:10:57,580 --> 01:11:03,450
Nothing, I don't see anything.
Just white and goats.
1243
01:11:04,620 --> 01:11:06,133
You are in a coma;
1244
01:11:07,740 --> 01:11:11,699
you are one step away from entering
the kingdom of the heavens.
1245
01:11:14,540 --> 01:11:15,893
Hang on a sec.
1246
01:11:16,060 --> 01:11:19,655
Who is it I have the pleasure
of speaking to?
1247
01:11:20,300 --> 01:11:22,655
Don't you recognize me, Zezinho?
1248
01:11:23,020 --> 01:11:23,975
I really don't think so!
1249
01:11:24,140 --> 01:11:27,416
Remember who took you in arms
so often as a child.
1250
01:11:27,620 --> 01:11:30,339
You were a wee child who was always
spitting your pacifier out
1251
01:11:30,500 --> 01:11:32,491
because of the bad blood
in your mouth.
1252
01:11:33,100 --> 01:11:34,931
Who the fuck are you?
The pediatrician?
1253
01:11:35,460 --> 01:11:40,295
No, Zezinho, I'm the father
of your great friend Toni.
1254
01:11:40,860 --> 01:11:43,169
Hey man, don't talk to me
about that dude.
1255
01:11:43,420 --> 01:11:45,695
That asshole
electrocuted the hell out of me.
1256
01:11:46,020 --> 01:11:47,772
If I hadn't been
grabbing onto the cot,
1257
01:11:47,940 --> 01:11:49,293
he would have been the one here.
1258
01:11:50,860 --> 01:11:52,612
Anyway, it was the way
to meet the father.
1259
01:11:53,820 --> 01:11:55,219
Toni's father?
1260
01:11:57,260 --> 01:11:58,852
Don't tell me you're Toni's father?
1261
01:11:59,780 --> 01:12:00,895
What are you deaf?
1262
01:12:01,620 --> 01:12:03,929
You are Toni's father, of course,
1263
01:12:04,260 --> 01:12:07,809
that's where he gets
that bat look from.
1264
01:12:08,060 --> 01:12:09,891
That and his thing
for eating corn nuts.
1265
01:12:10,820 --> 01:12:12,617
The guy is always
fucking eating corn nuts.
1266
01:12:12,780 --> 01:12:14,657
Never seen anything like it.
1267
01:12:15,260 --> 01:12:17,171
It's the power of genetics.
1268
01:12:17,700 --> 01:12:20,976
Could be.
I don't know anything about that.
1269
01:12:21,180 --> 01:12:25,617
From your family,
I just know Toni himself,
1270
01:12:25,860 --> 01:12:31,378
his mother of course,
and now I'm getting to know you.
1271
01:12:33,140 --> 01:12:36,769
Wait, but if I am in a coma,
1272
01:12:37,380 --> 01:12:41,578
and you and I are both here,
dressed in white,
1273
01:12:42,020 --> 01:12:44,978
there a damn nice breeze blowing.
1274
01:12:45,140 --> 01:12:48,496
If everything's white
and we have goats and everything,
1275
01:12:48,700 --> 01:12:50,736
does this mean we're in heaven?
1276
01:12:51,500 --> 01:12:55,413
Not exactly heaven;
you're at the front door.
1277
01:12:55,820 --> 01:12:58,015
I'm Saint Peter's assistant.
1278
01:12:58,900 --> 01:13:00,128
Saint Peter's assistant?
1279
01:13:00,300 --> 01:13:01,255
In other words,
1280
01:13:01,420 --> 01:13:02,614
I'm wasting my time here
with a fucking assistant?
1281
01:13:02,820 --> 01:13:04,048
I want to speak to Saint Peter;
1282
01:13:04,220 --> 01:13:07,530
I want Saint Peter here immediately!
1283
01:13:08,100 --> 01:13:09,613
St. Peter is on leave.
1284
01:13:10,260 --> 01:13:11,215
He's had a breakdown
1285
01:13:11,420 --> 01:13:13,217
and doesn't even remember
his own name.
1286
01:13:13,820 --> 01:13:17,893
But the most fucked up thing
about it is that he blames me for it.
1287
01:13:19,100 --> 01:13:22,297
Fuck, shit happens.
1288
01:13:24,780 --> 01:13:26,736
But wait, what's my deal then;
1289
01:13:26,980 --> 01:13:29,778
am I dead
or do I have to go back down?
1290
01:13:30,460 --> 01:13:34,373
The day you will have
to come to heaven has not yet come.
1291
01:13:34,700 --> 01:13:36,770
And because of the things
you are doing,
1292
01:13:36,940 --> 01:13:38,692
I don't think
you're ever going to make it.
1293
01:13:39,380 --> 01:13:44,738
It's true.
I'm a thug and I deserve nothing.
1294
01:13:44,900 --> 01:13:46,538
And I don't even deserve
the ground I step on
1295
01:13:46,700 --> 01:13:48,372
or the air I breathe.
1296
01:13:48,780 --> 01:13:51,977
Punish me, punish me,
1297
01:13:52,220 --> 01:13:54,575
hit me with your cane
on this side of my head
1298
01:13:54,820 --> 01:13:55,775
where it hurts most.
1299
01:13:55,940 --> 01:13:58,170
Aggressions
are not allowed in heaven.
1300
01:13:59,300 --> 01:14:01,860
But since you ask me to.
Take that!
1301
01:14:04,780 --> 01:14:08,693
Fuck, what is that,
solid oak or quincewood?
1302
01:14:08,900 --> 01:14:12,859
And now go in peace
and carry out your mission.
1303
01:14:13,660 --> 01:14:17,892
Leave here and go to a monastery,
to the quietest one you find,
1304
01:14:18,060 --> 01:14:23,771
and quit fucking everyone around!
1305
01:14:24,220 --> 01:14:26,893
Okay, okay. Can I kiss your hand?
1306
01:14:27,060 --> 01:14:29,210
No, don't be such a pussy!
1307
01:14:30,180 --> 01:14:33,092
Let me tell ya, fella!
1308
01:14:34,260 --> 01:14:37,138
Do you want me
to give your son a message?
1309
01:14:38,060 --> 01:14:39,891
Tell him that one day
1310
01:14:40,060 --> 01:14:43,416
he'll be a great man
because he'll go...
1311
01:14:44,780 --> 01:14:46,896
Wait, I didn't get that last part.
1312
01:14:47,460 --> 01:14:50,736
Isn't there a piece of paper around
to jot down a little note?
1313
01:14:52,820 --> 01:14:54,856
Fuck, you all here in heaven
live like Gods,
1314
01:14:55,420 --> 01:14:56,648
two-ply and everything.
1315
01:14:56,900 --> 01:14:58,299
What was that...
1316
01:15:00,500 --> 01:15:03,856
Farewell, little lassy.
1317
01:15:08,260 --> 01:15:12,970
The constellation Booties...
was your favorite.
1318
01:15:14,180 --> 01:15:15,579
I'm sorry Zeze.
1319
01:15:16,180 --> 01:15:18,614
I shouldn't have given you
so many shockes.
1320
01:15:19,860 --> 01:15:21,851
Now you're in a coma
1321
01:15:22,140 --> 01:15:25,098
and your lighter might go out
at any time now.
1322
01:15:25,700 --> 01:15:27,213
You're my best friend
1323
01:15:27,460 --> 01:15:30,338
and now you're just a body
lying on a hospital bed,
1324
01:15:30,740 --> 01:15:35,894
with tubes in your nose
and drains all over the place.
1325
01:15:37,980 --> 01:15:39,129
It's not fair.
1326
01:15:40,300 --> 01:15:43,656
Where am I going to find
another friend like you?
1327
01:15:45,420 --> 01:15:48,730
Because friends like you
don't just fall out of the sky...
1328
01:15:55,380 --> 01:15:58,099
Zeze? It worked!
1329
01:15:59,500 --> 01:16:04,893
Hot chicks, money, and crates of beer
don't just fall out of the sky.
1330
01:16:05,820 --> 01:16:07,014
I'm all fucked up.
1331
01:16:07,500 --> 01:16:10,492
Jesus, I shouldn't have said
the words the same way.
1332
01:16:10,860 --> 01:16:14,091
Zeze, what happened to you,
where have you been?
1333
01:16:14,260 --> 01:16:17,935
Don't ask me stupid questions!
1334
01:16:18,620 --> 01:16:20,815
But weren't you in a coma?
- No.
1335
01:16:20,980 --> 01:16:22,971
So then I'd better split
before you start beating me.
1336
01:16:23,140 --> 01:16:25,779
Wait.
The one who's gonna split is me.
1337
01:16:26,180 --> 01:16:29,889
I come from the world of the dead
and I'm a new man.
1338
01:16:30,500 --> 01:16:32,377
I'm only interested in the spiritual.
1339
01:16:32,540 --> 01:16:34,849
Material things
do not matter to me at all.
1340
01:16:35,020 --> 01:16:36,135
Give me your car keys.
1341
01:16:36,380 --> 01:16:39,417
What keys? I've hot-wired it
ever since I bought it.
1342
01:16:40,460 --> 01:16:43,896
Let me tell ya, fella!
I'm outta here, friend.
1343
01:16:44,060 --> 01:16:45,698
You'll never see me again.
1344
01:16:45,900 --> 01:16:49,210
I'm going to a monastery
because the faith is calling me.
1345
01:16:49,500 --> 01:16:50,455
The café is too?
1346
01:16:50,620 --> 01:16:51,814
No, the faith is calling me.
1347
01:16:52,140 --> 01:16:53,095
Without coffee.
1348
01:16:54,380 --> 01:16:55,335
Yes, without coffee.
1349
01:16:56,020 --> 01:16:58,136
It's true, your father sent me
1350
01:16:58,820 --> 01:17:02,290
to tell you
that you will be a great man
1351
01:17:02,700 --> 01:17:04,895
because you are going to save...
1352
01:17:06,780 --> 01:17:10,011
What are you talking about?
1353
01:17:10,580 --> 01:17:13,378
I said your father
sent me to tell you that one day,
1354
01:17:13,580 --> 01:17:15,298
you will be a great man
because you'll go to...
1355
01:17:17,020 --> 01:17:18,339
Why am I going where?
1356
01:17:18,500 --> 01:17:20,456
Jesus fucking Christ!
I didn't hear a goddamn thing!
1357
01:17:21,940 --> 01:17:25,296
UPON NIGHTFALL
1358
01:17:31,180 --> 01:17:35,458
Zeze, where is my father?
What the fuck were you saying?
1359
01:17:35,700 --> 01:17:38,453
Toni, if you want
to look for your father,
1360
01:17:38,700 --> 01:17:40,975
you have to look inside yourself,
1361
01:17:41,220 --> 01:17:43,734
but then afterwards
outside as well...
1362
01:17:43,940 --> 01:17:45,817
he might be outside.
1363
01:17:46,020 --> 01:17:48,488
Enough Chinese proverbs,
goddammit.
1364
01:17:49,220 --> 01:17:51,051
Alright, what is it you want, Toni?
1365
01:17:51,580 --> 01:17:54,890
Do you want to read the writings
that your father left for you?
1366
01:17:55,140 --> 01:17:56,414
If they existed.
1367
01:17:56,660 --> 01:17:58,935
Exist they do exist,
it's just that...
1368
01:17:59,100 --> 01:18:03,298
Of course they don't.
How absurd.
1369
01:18:03,580 --> 01:18:05,377
In your father's days,
there wasn't even paper.
1370
01:18:05,820 --> 01:18:09,176
They all wrote everything
in cave walls.
1371
01:18:09,780 --> 01:18:11,657
Like those cave paintings
in Altamira.
1372
01:18:11,940 --> 01:18:14,659
Do you get it?
But that doesn't interest anyone.
1373
01:18:14,900 --> 01:18:17,130
They usually flood it all
so people won't read it.
1374
01:18:17,300 --> 01:18:20,053
Zeze, I know very well
there was paper,
1375
01:18:20,220 --> 01:18:22,859
because my mother said
that my father used up
1376
01:18:23,100 --> 01:18:28,128
seven trees of toilet paper
every time he sat on the can.
1377
01:18:28,380 --> 01:18:30,052
Toilet paper isn't paper.
1378
01:18:30,380 --> 01:18:36,899
Zeze, give me those papers.
I'll give you everything you want.
1379
01:18:37,100 --> 01:18:38,249
I'm not for sale.
1380
01:18:39,260 --> 01:18:40,295
Everything, everything?
1381
01:18:40,620 --> 01:18:44,215
What is it you want, jewels, amethyst,
sapphire, rubies?
1382
01:18:44,380 --> 01:18:47,099
No, I don't want immaterial things.
1383
01:18:47,300 --> 01:18:50,929
I'll settle for a blanket
and some garlic soup,
1384
01:18:51,180 --> 01:18:53,216
two desert grasshoppers...
1385
01:18:53,540 --> 01:18:55,132
Do you want ingots of gold?
1386
01:18:55,380 --> 01:18:59,168
Cause I'll take my car and crash it
into the Bank of Portugal!
1387
01:18:59,340 --> 01:19:00,295
No.
1388
01:19:00,460 --> 01:19:02,416
I know. You want luxury cars?
1389
01:19:02,580 --> 01:19:03,535
No.
1390
01:19:03,700 --> 01:19:05,292
Zeze, what about
one of those mansions
1391
01:19:05,500 --> 01:19:10,290
with pure,
fourteen kilowatt gold doors?
1392
01:19:10,500 --> 01:19:23,618
No, no, Toni, I want something
more simple, something symbolic.
1393
01:19:23,900 --> 01:19:26,494
Golly this is starting
to be a guessing game
1394
01:19:26,780 --> 01:19:29,214
like Trivial Samsonite.
1395
01:19:29,700 --> 01:19:36,811
Toni, I just want your friendship.
1396
01:19:38,420 --> 01:19:39,773
Friend.
1397
01:19:43,300 --> 01:19:44,779
... and little more.
1398
01:19:49,540 --> 01:19:53,453
Toni, do you remember
the debt we have with the Lambretas?
1399
01:19:53,740 --> 01:19:54,695
Sort of.
1400
01:19:55,700 --> 01:19:59,932
I'm a saintly man
and I cannot take on debts.
1401
01:20:00,340 --> 01:20:04,777
It's heresy. If you paid debt,
we'd be left in...
1402
01:20:05,140 --> 01:20:07,335
And that way I'd learn about
the messages from my father?
1403
01:20:07,700 --> 01:20:08,735
That too.
1404
01:20:10,540 --> 01:20:12,690
Zeze, you're not going to believe it.
1405
01:20:12,940 --> 01:20:13,895
Of course not.
1406
01:20:14,260 --> 01:20:16,057
But I've already paid off
the Lambretas debt.
1407
01:20:16,380 --> 01:20:19,099
And so if that's the problem,
it's already taken care of.
1408
01:20:19,420 --> 01:20:21,092
Come on,
tell me what my father said...
1409
01:20:21,660 --> 01:20:24,732
Wait, how did you pay off the debt?
1410
01:20:24,940 --> 01:20:27,613
If you don't even have money
to buy bread.
1411
01:20:27,780 --> 01:20:30,738
Well, with my collection
of antique glazed whisky bottles.
1412
01:20:31,140 --> 01:20:32,095
No.
1413
01:20:32,260 --> 01:20:33,215
Yes.
1414
01:20:33,380 --> 01:20:34,574
No.
- Yes.
1415
01:20:34,820 --> 01:20:39,496
But I thought you were going
to keep that bottle collection
1416
01:20:39,700 --> 01:20:40,815
for your little daughter's wedding!
1417
01:20:40,980 --> 01:20:44,450
Forget it, she's uglier
than a retread tire.
1418
01:20:44,620 --> 01:20:47,418
And I'm telling you,
1419
01:20:47,580 --> 01:20:51,573
you don't owe anyone anything,
especially me.
1420
01:20:51,980 --> 01:20:53,049
Alright, what is it you want, man?
1421
01:20:53,220 --> 01:20:56,929
I'm a softie and I'll give you
everything I have.
1422
01:20:57,180 --> 01:20:58,499
You're a good man.
1423
01:20:58,740 --> 01:20:59,809
To say nothing bad about you.
1424
01:21:00,740 --> 01:21:02,492
If I'd known, I'd have asked
for something else.
1425
01:21:02,700 --> 01:21:06,295
Come on, that's enough.
Let's get on about my father.
1426
01:21:15,940 --> 01:21:17,214
What box is that, Zeze?
1427
01:21:18,180 --> 01:21:21,331
That's not a box. It's a chest.
1428
01:21:21,540 --> 01:21:22,495
We're going to see
1429
01:21:22,700 --> 01:21:24,133
if they have frozen veggie soup
and fish sticks.
1430
01:21:24,940 --> 01:21:26,134
This fucking torch
keeps dripping off shit,
1431
01:21:26,300 --> 01:21:27,779
goddammit.
1432
01:21:27,940 --> 01:21:28,895
Fuck it!
1433
01:21:38,420 --> 01:21:41,173
Toni, this chest contains
1434
01:21:41,380 --> 01:21:44,656
what you have been looking for
for so long.
1435
01:21:44,820 --> 01:21:46,094
The football sticker collection?
1436
01:21:46,420 --> 01:21:47,375
No, dumbfuck.
1437
01:21:47,860 --> 01:21:49,816
The Pokemon collection?
1438
01:21:50,180 --> 01:21:57,734
No, your father's writings.
The last message he gave you is here.
1439
01:21:58,060 --> 01:21:59,049
Great!
1440
01:22:00,540 --> 01:22:01,655
Toni, did you fart?
1441
01:22:01,820 --> 01:22:02,809
Not now.
1442
01:22:03,220 --> 01:22:04,892
It's just that it smells
like rotten old man,
1443
01:22:05,100 --> 01:22:06,055
what the fuck did you eat?
1444
01:22:06,300 --> 01:22:08,097
Some corn nuts and a beer.
1445
01:22:08,260 --> 01:22:09,215
Actually the truth is,
1446
01:22:09,540 --> 01:22:13,613
the one who ate the corn nuts
was Popeye.
1447
01:22:14,580 --> 01:22:18,175
Toni, there's something strange here,
don't you feel it?
1448
01:22:20,220 --> 01:22:23,371
Zeze, I don't want
to bear false witness,
1449
01:22:23,540 --> 01:22:27,977
but do you happen to have
an extinguisher or water?
1450
01:22:28,300 --> 01:22:29,528
Now you're thirsty?
1451
01:22:29,700 --> 01:22:32,214
Thirsty no,
there's a lack of moisture.
1452
01:22:32,420 --> 01:22:33,933
And now you want moisture?
1453
01:22:34,100 --> 01:22:40,096
Go climb up the mountain
and jump down the well, why don't ya!
1454
01:22:40,300 --> 01:22:41,415
In other words, no water at all then?
1455
01:22:41,580 --> 01:22:43,093
None. You're pissing me off,
and now what?
1456
01:22:43,340 --> 01:22:45,729
Now let it burn
and let God's will be done.
1457
01:22:45,900 --> 01:22:47,015
But let what burn?
1458
01:22:47,580 --> 01:22:48,569
Your suit.
1459
01:22:49,820 --> 01:22:52,129
Toni, I'm burning up here
1460
01:22:52,420 --> 01:22:55,378
and you don't say anything?
1461
01:22:55,620 --> 01:22:58,259
I didn't want you to get upset.
1462
01:22:58,420 --> 01:22:59,375
Water, water!
1463
01:22:59,540 --> 01:23:00,893
You see, you're upset.
1464
01:23:01,140 --> 01:23:03,529
Put it out, anyway you can!
1465
01:23:04,580 --> 01:23:05,899
What if I piss on it?
1466
01:23:06,540 --> 01:23:09,691
Yeah, good idea, but make it quick.
1467
01:23:10,340 --> 01:23:13,093
Goddammit, the chest is also burning.
1468
01:23:13,340 --> 01:23:14,739
And I'm not sure I have
enough liquid for everything,
1469
01:23:14,900 --> 01:23:16,299
I'm not a human tanker!
1470
01:23:16,460 --> 01:23:18,098
Toni, don't you dare.
1471
01:23:18,500 --> 01:23:22,209
Now piss on me
or I'll beat you to a pulp!
1472
01:23:22,620 --> 01:23:24,451
I don't know what to do.
1473
01:23:24,620 --> 01:23:27,418
My father's writings will be lost forever.
1474
01:23:27,740 --> 01:23:35,249
The T and the O, To.
The N and the I, Ni.
1475
01:23:35,460 --> 01:23:39,499
To... Ni...
1476
01:23:43,980 --> 01:23:45,299
What a relief!
1477
01:23:48,620 --> 01:23:50,019
Thank you, friend.
1478
01:23:53,700 --> 01:23:57,136
What you've done
is proof of great friendship.
1479
01:23:57,940 --> 01:24:01,489
I don't know if I would have done
the same for you. Give me a hug...
1480
01:24:01,660 --> 01:24:05,369
No, don't hug me. Gross.
We'd best get outta here.
1481
01:24:05,820 --> 01:24:08,050
You're right, let's go.
1482
01:24:20,700 --> 01:24:23,294
Let's go Tonimobile, save your owner,
1483
01:24:23,460 --> 01:24:27,055
just like he's saved you
so many times. Come on!
1484
01:24:40,220 --> 01:24:41,175
I know.
1485
01:24:41,340 --> 01:24:42,329
What?
1486
01:24:42,500 --> 01:24:44,650
I know what it was your father said.
1487
01:24:45,340 --> 01:24:46,375
And so, the chest?
1488
01:24:46,540 --> 01:24:48,212
Forget the goddamn chest,
it doesn't matter.
1489
01:24:48,420 --> 01:24:49,899
The important thing
is what your father told me.
1490
01:24:50,260 --> 01:24:55,050
Your father said that
you'd prove to be a great man.
1491
01:24:55,700 --> 01:24:56,655
No.
1492
01:24:56,820 --> 01:24:59,414
Yes, and you'd save
a great friend of yours
1493
01:24:59,580 --> 01:25:00,854
from certain death,
1494
01:25:01,060 --> 01:25:03,893
and leave behind
everything that meant most to you.
1495
01:25:06,220 --> 01:25:07,175
Zeze!
1496
01:25:07,420 --> 01:25:08,455
Toni!
1497
01:25:12,980 --> 01:25:14,015
What joy!
1498
01:25:14,860 --> 01:25:17,135
Now all I need to know is who that friend
1499
01:25:17,300 --> 01:25:19,256
I'm going to save
from certain death is,
1500
01:25:19,500 --> 01:25:22,219
leaving behind everything
that means the most.
1501
01:25:22,500 --> 01:25:23,728
Who might that guy be?
1502
01:25:24,620 --> 01:25:27,373
Zeze, I have to go, my friend.
1503
01:25:27,660 --> 01:25:30,015
Because if my father says
that that is my fate,
1504
01:25:30,340 --> 01:25:33,730
I have to travel the world
in search of the man I have to save.
1505
01:25:33,980 --> 01:25:36,448
He must be pissed off waiting for me.
1506
01:25:36,700 --> 01:25:45,130
Toni, but what about your home
and our neighborhood?
1507
01:25:45,340 --> 01:25:49,015
Everyone is waiting
to celebrate my return.
1508
01:25:49,300 --> 01:25:51,416
Zeze, I haven't been back
to the neighborhood in one month,
1509
01:25:51,700 --> 01:25:53,179
and now I'll make the most of it
1510
01:25:53,380 --> 01:25:56,019
and be four or five years
without setting foot there.
1511
01:25:56,420 --> 01:25:58,650
You haven't been to the neighborhood
in one month?
1512
01:25:58,900 --> 01:26:01,175
Of course, one month has passed
1513
01:26:01,340 --> 01:26:03,649
and we haven't paid
the Lambretas debt.
1514
01:26:03,900 --> 01:26:08,416
If they find us, they are going
to beat the shit outta ya.
1515
01:26:08,620 --> 01:26:09,894
Boy, is that a good one!
1516
01:26:10,060 --> 01:26:11,288
But you told me back there
that you'd paid it off.
1517
01:26:11,660 --> 01:26:13,571
I told lots of lies
before that message
1518
01:26:13,780 --> 01:26:15,771
that transformed me
into a serious man.
1519
01:26:16,900 --> 01:26:19,334
Goodbye, let me tellya, fella!
1520
01:26:19,980 --> 01:26:24,451
Friend, whoever it is you are
and however far you go,
1521
01:26:24,740 --> 01:26:28,619
be it Sintra, Cascais, Estoril...
1522
01:26:29,140 --> 01:26:31,654
get ready because Toni
is here to the rescue.
1523
01:26:35,540 --> 01:26:38,373
High ho Silver!
1524
01:26:44,580 --> 01:26:47,140
TO BE CONTINUED...