1 00:00:06,900 --> 00:00:08,166 (cool jazz music) 2 00:00:08,233 --> 00:00:10,233 MARK: John Hunchman and David Purefoy. 3 00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:11,433 How you boys been? 4 00:00:11,500 --> 00:00:13,666 Man, oh, man, look at you guys. 5 00:00:13,733 --> 00:00:15,000 Hunchman, you still got 6 00:00:15,066 --> 00:00:16,600 that backpack with pink stripes? 7 00:00:16,666 --> 00:00:17,966 You know, the one from the eighth grade? 8 00:00:18,033 --> 00:00:19,033 ‐Uh‐huh. ‐Remember that one? 9 00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:20,933 As I've told you before, no, I do not. 10 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,366 (laughs) 11 00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:24,200 We used to kill him over that backpack, huh, Dave? 12 00:00:24,266 --> 00:00:25,400 ‐(chuckles) ‐Right? 13 00:00:25,466 --> 00:00:27,733 Damn, pink stripes, you kidding me? 14 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:29,166 ‐On a backpack? ‐Yeah. 15 00:00:29,233 --> 00:00:30,966 Those pink stripes were pretty bad. 16 00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:32,500 Hey, what's new with you, Pure‐if? 17 00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:34,300 ‐What's up? ‐You know, I'm chilling. 18 00:00:34,366 --> 00:00:36,933 I got a cool thing going with a lady. 19 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:40,233 Oh, prithee do tell, young lad. 20 00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:41,600 Ugh, prithee no thank you. 21 00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:45,266 Casual, hot, don't have to spend money on her. 22 00:00:45,333 --> 00:00:47,833 ‐Don't have to spend the night. ‐Real chivalrous, David. 23 00:00:47,900 --> 00:00:49,366 And she's a total freak too. 24 00:00:49,433 --> 00:00:53,133 She had me take one of those big, blue ceramic dogs‐‐ 25 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,533 ‐Hey, old man. ‐Uh‐‐ 26 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,666 No one wants to hear about your sex life 27 00:00:56,733 --> 00:00:57,900 with your droopy balls. 28 00:00:57,966 --> 00:00:59,300 Wait, who are you again? 29 00:00:59,366 --> 00:01:01,966 I'm Lance, and don't you forget the name. 30 00:01:02,033 --> 00:01:03,500 It's Lance. 31 00:01:03,566 --> 00:01:06,000 Uh, Lance is my client. He's the reason y'all are here. 32 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,400 I pay y'all by the hour, right? 33 00:01:07,466 --> 00:01:09,466 So stop wasting my time with this bullshit 34 00:01:09,533 --> 00:01:11,633 about pink backpacks and whatever skank 35 00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:13,200 this old‐ass loser's hooking up with. 36 00:01:13,266 --> 00:01:15,033 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, she's not a skank. 37 00:01:15,100 --> 00:01:17,500 Uh, she's with you, right? So she's a skank. 38 00:01:17,566 --> 00:01:20,600 Okay, okay, settle down, Lance. Just relax. 39 00:01:20,666 --> 00:01:24,833 Uh, look, Lance, why don't you explain your situation 40 00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:26,533 to our colleagues. 41 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,566 Pay attention. 42 00:01:29,633 --> 00:01:33,066 Me and my mom live alone. Someone's harassing us. 43 00:01:33,133 --> 00:01:34,500 It happens at night. 44 00:01:34,566 --> 00:01:35,700 (wood crashes) 45 00:01:35,766 --> 00:01:37,100 Furniture crashing. 46 00:01:37,166 --> 00:01:38,100 (floor creaking) 47 00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:40,300 Creaky floor. 48 00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:42,800 Drippy faucet even though I turned that shit off. 49 00:01:42,866 --> 00:01:44,033 (ghostly moan) 50 00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:46,133 Creepy moaning. ‐Uh‐huh. 51 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,266 You know, it sounds like it could be a‐‐ 52 00:01:47,333 --> 00:01:49,200 A ghost? Yeah, no duh. 53 00:01:49,266 --> 00:01:51,000 It's a ghost. ‐I was gonna say your mom. 54 00:01:51,066 --> 00:01:52,200 What'd you say about my mom? 55 00:01:52,266 --> 00:01:53,233 DAVID: No, I don't mean it like that. 56 00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:54,700 You think my mom is a ghost? 57 00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:55,800 No, I'm just saying‐‐ 58 00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,800 She works two jobs just to provide for me. 59 00:01:57,866 --> 00:02:00,700 Keep talking 'bout my mom. See what happens. 60 00:02:00,766 --> 00:02:03,033 Oh, okay, easy, son, easy. 61 00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:04,733 Damn, we got a live one here, boys. 62 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,033 (chuckles) 63 00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:07,900 I'll straight murk you, you Angela Lansbury, 64 00:02:07,966 --> 00:02:09,000 old‐ass looking bitch. 65 00:02:09,066 --> 00:02:11,100 Okay, okay, let's focus please. 66 00:02:11,166 --> 00:02:12,966 Uh, Taggy, what do you want us to do? 67 00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,633 Well, serve papers like always. 68 00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:17,533 Well, okay, but to whom are we serving these papers? 69 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,066 To the ghost. Damn, y'all are dense. 70 00:02:20,133 --> 00:02:21,500 What, seriously? 71 00:02:21,566 --> 00:02:24,966 My mom says it's a ghost, and I always protect my mom, 72 00:02:25,033 --> 00:02:26,566 so I'm suing it. 73 00:02:26,633 --> 00:02:30,033 First ever ghost lawsuit‐‐ lawyer hall of fame, me. 74 00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:31,600 ♪♪ ♪♪ 75 00:02:31,666 --> 00:02:32,633 Okay. 76 00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:33,933 You know Kendra at Skull and Sage? 77 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,433 Yeah, the dumb new age shop where dog food city used to be. 78 00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:38,866 Oh, don't say "new age" around Kendra. 79 00:02:38,933 --> 00:02:40,566 She'll put a hex on your ass. 80 00:02:40,633 --> 00:02:43,066 Anyway, Kendra's got one of them thingamajigs 81 00:02:43,133 --> 00:02:45,033 for texting with ghosts and witches and whatnot. 82 00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:46,166 You're talking about a Woojoo board? 83 00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:47,266 MARK: Yeah, that's it. 84 00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:48,233 (chuckles) This is ridiculous. 85 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,233 ‐What'd you say? ‐Um, nothing. 86 00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:51,966 All right, here's the summons. 87 00:02:52,033 --> 00:02:53,566 Lance'll take you boys to his house 88 00:02:53,633 --> 00:02:56,333 once it's dark out. Kendra will meet you there. 89 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,733 Use her Woojoo board to contact the ghost, then serve him 90 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,866 and tell that undead, see‐through son of a gun 91 00:03:01,933 --> 00:03:04,600 I'll be seeing him in court. What could go wrong? 92 00:03:04,666 --> 00:03:05,566 (thunder crashes) 93 00:03:05,633 --> 00:03:08,566 (dramatic music) 94 00:03:08,633 --> 00:03:11,733 ♪♪ ♪♪ 95 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:15,300 So, Lance, what grade are you in? 96 00:03:15,366 --> 00:03:17,066 You know what sucks about this ghost? 97 00:03:17,133 --> 00:03:18,866 I can't physically beat the shit out of it 98 00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:21,433 because it's mist or some shit. 99 00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:25,033 Oh, I would love to just wail on this motherfucker. 100 00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:26,400 Dude, I hear you. It's just‐‐ 101 00:03:26,466 --> 00:03:28,100 ‐Man, shut up. ‐Okay. 102 00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:30,466 Wish I still had my butterfly knife. 103 00:03:30,533 --> 00:03:31,366 I don't. 104 00:03:31,433 --> 00:03:32,733 ‐Take a right here. ‐Okay. 105 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:33,700 Last house on the left. 106 00:03:33,766 --> 00:03:35,533 (owl hoots) 107 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,166 ♪♪ ♪♪ 108 00:03:37,233 --> 00:03:39,266 Uh, are you sure this is it, Lance? 109 00:03:39,333 --> 00:03:41,333 (chuckles) Yes, I'm sure. 110 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,200 It's my damn house where I live, 111 00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:45,766 you stupid fucking piece of shit. 112 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,600 There's Kendra. Let's go. 113 00:03:48,666 --> 00:03:49,800 John, I gotta tell you something. 114 00:03:49,866 --> 00:03:52,133 No, David, not now. Let's just get this over with. 115 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,233 It's bad. It's gonna be bad. 116 00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,266 David, relax. It's gonna be fine. 117 00:03:56,333 --> 00:03:58,233 Hey, y'all. I'm Kendra. 118 00:03:58,300 --> 00:03:59,966 You ready for your Woojoo session? 119 00:04:00,033 --> 00:04:01,100 Ah, well, if we said no, 120 00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:02,700 "Woojoo" hold it against us, Kendra? 121 00:04:02,766 --> 00:04:03,700 (chuckles) 122 00:04:03,766 --> 00:04:05,166 Please don't joke. 123 00:04:05,233 --> 00:04:07,166 Humor is a sign of spiritual weakness. 124 00:04:07,233 --> 00:04:08,400 (groans quietly) 125 00:04:08,466 --> 00:04:09,666 We wanna have a successful session. 126 00:04:09,733 --> 00:04:11,233 Come on, attic's upstairs. 127 00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:12,533 (spooky music) 128 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,033 Ooh, I wanna go home. 129 00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:17,400 ♪♪ ♪♪ 130 00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:18,666 (thunder cracks) 131 00:04:18,733 --> 00:04:22,000 So tonight we'll be using this Woojoo board 132 00:04:22,066 --> 00:04:24,000 made from sustainably forested cedar. 133 00:04:24,066 --> 00:04:24,966 Sure. 134 00:04:25,033 --> 00:04:26,500 It's paired with these hematite crystals 135 00:04:26,566 --> 00:04:28,266 and this locally sourced goat's blood. 136 00:04:28,333 --> 00:04:30,266 ‐All right, that's disgusting. ‐Whoa. 137 00:04:30,333 --> 00:04:33,900 This is to purify our intention. 138 00:04:33,966 --> 00:04:36,066 ‐What is this exactly? ‐Fairy pus. 139 00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:37,233 ‐Oh! ‐Ugh, okay. 140 00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:38,233 Don't worry. It's organic. 141 00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:39,600 That's not my concern. 142 00:04:39,666 --> 00:04:41,600 ‐Place your fingers like this. ‐JOHN: Ugh. 143 00:04:41,666 --> 00:04:44,866 Remember, don't move it. The spirit does. 144 00:04:44,933 --> 00:04:47,233 ‐Empty your intention. ‐Okay. 145 00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:48,633 ‐Sure. ‐Done. 146 00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:50,966 No, hang on, I haven't emptied my intention yet, David. 147 00:04:51,033 --> 00:04:52,466 ‐Come on, hurry up. ‐Wait, please. 148 00:04:52,533 --> 00:04:54,000 How hard is it not to think about anything? 149 00:04:54,066 --> 00:04:55,066 Just empty your goddamn... ‐Stop. 150 00:04:55,133 --> 00:04:56,133 ‐Intention! ‐Stop interrupting. 151 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,133 ‐Let's go! ‐I wanna do it right. 152 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,966 Just wait for me. (chuckles) 153 00:04:59,033 --> 00:05:01,066 And there we go. Now it's empty. 154 00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:02,366 Such a dick. 155 00:05:03,266 --> 00:05:04,966 (sighs) Do you feel it? 156 00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:06,200 ‐Feel what? ‐Feel what? 157 00:05:06,266 --> 00:05:09,366 The sacred portal opening. Begin. 158 00:05:09,433 --> 00:05:11,466 ‐May I please speak to the‐‐ ‐Please don't yell. 159 00:05:11,533 --> 00:05:12,800 ‐Oh. ‐Please don't yell. 160 00:05:12,866 --> 00:05:14,000 ‐Excuse me. ‐Thank you. 161 00:05:14,066 --> 00:05:15,833 Um, may I please speak to the entity 162 00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,800 residing at the home of Lance DeLuca? 163 00:05:17,866 --> 00:05:19,366 Hello? Oh, whoa. 164 00:05:19,433 --> 00:05:21,566 I am 165 00:05:21,633 --> 00:05:25,633 the g‐gho‐‐ 166 00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,800 ghost. 167 00:05:27,866 --> 00:05:29,366 I am the ghost? 168 00:05:29,433 --> 00:05:32,066 ‐Good Lord, it worked. ‐Told you. 169 00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:35,000 Okay, uh, ghost, you've been served. 170 00:05:35,066 --> 00:05:36,533 You should hire a lawyer. 171 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:37,633 Boom! 172 00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:39,633 How you like that, ghost? 173 00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:40,933 (scream) 174 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,933 (wood creaking) 175 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,500 ♪♪ ♪♪ 176 00:05:46,566 --> 00:05:48,066 Babe, I'm home! 177 00:05:48,133 --> 00:05:50,100 (gasps) That's my mom! 178 00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:51,266 We're up here, Mommy. 179 00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:52,733 ‐Dude, it was me. ‐What? 180 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:53,900 I am the ghost. 181 00:05:53,966 --> 00:05:55,366 I recognized the house when we pulled up. 182 00:05:55,433 --> 00:05:57,400 Lance's mom is the lady I've been hooking up with. 183 00:05:57,466 --> 00:05:59,400 Oh, you‐‐you were moving the Wooj‐‐‐ 184 00:05:59,466 --> 00:06:03,133 ‐DAVID: Yes. ‐JOHN: Oh, oh, okay, wow. 185 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:04,333 The furniture crashing‐‐ 186 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,866 DAVID: It's probably when we had coitus 187 00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:08,000 in this old, wooden chair. He must have heard it. 188 00:06:08,066 --> 00:06:09,133 JOHN: Creaky floor? 189 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,133 DAVID: It's probably me walking 190 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,600 to the bathroom after coitus. 191 00:06:11,666 --> 00:06:13,166 JOHN: Drippy faucet even though‐‐ 192 00:06:13,233 --> 00:06:15,533 DAVID: I probably didn't turn off the water after coitus. 193 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:19,100 Okay, and the creepy moaning? That was you during coitus? 194 00:06:19,166 --> 00:06:21,066 Uh, no, actually, it's me moaning 195 00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:23,066 when Tracey said no cuddling and kicked me out 196 00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:24,433 and said I had to go home. 197 00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:26,233 But I thought you were just using her for sex and‐‐ 198 00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:27,966 It's more complicated than that. 199 00:06:28,033 --> 00:06:29,133 ‐I don't‐‐ ‐Oh, okay. 200 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,733 Look, the point is, Lance already hates me. 201 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,366 If he finds out I've been screwing his mommy‐‐ 202 00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,433 ‐Ugh. ‐I gotta go. 203 00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:36,966 Lance, honey, what are you doing up here? 204 00:06:37,033 --> 00:06:40,266 Shh, shh, everything's gonna be okay. 205 00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:43,000 We had a séance. No more ghosts. 206 00:06:43,066 --> 00:06:45,333 ‐Jesus, what is that? ‐What? 207 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,066 (gasps) It's him! 208 00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:48,566 (thunder cracks) 209 00:06:48,633 --> 00:06:50,666 Stand back, people. (cracks knuckles) 210 00:06:50,733 --> 00:06:52,300 I'm 'bout to beat up a ghost. 211 00:06:52,366 --> 00:06:54,000 Lance, no! ‐TRACEY: Oh, Lance, baby, no. 212 00:06:54,066 --> 00:06:55,433 Not again. DAVID: Ow! 213 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:57,033 TRACEY: Lance, no, no, no. ‐(grunts) 214 00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,766 ‐DAVID: (moaning) ‐Wait, who is this? 215 00:06:59,833 --> 00:07:02,433 ALL: (gasp) David Purefoy! 216 00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:03,900 Fuck! 217 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:06,366 ‐Hi, Tracey. ‐What is going on? 218 00:07:06,433 --> 00:07:08,733 Well, you told me all those noises I was hearing 219 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,500 at night were from a ghost. 220 00:07:10,566 --> 00:07:12,966 I wanted to protect you, so I sued it. 221 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,866 ‐Sued who now? ‐The ghost. 222 00:07:14,933 --> 00:07:18,566 ‐Duh, Mommy. ‐Oh...wow. 223 00:07:18,633 --> 00:07:21,333 Wait a second. How do you know this pervert? 224 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,166 Well, now, it's complicated. 225 00:07:23,233 --> 00:07:24,666 (sighs) Do you guys have some ice? 226 00:07:24,733 --> 00:07:25,700 ‐Hold up. ‐Ow. 227 00:07:25,766 --> 00:07:28,466 Somebody tell me what the fuck is going on. 228 00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:30,566 Okay, honey, you remember when Mommy 229 00:07:30,633 --> 00:07:32,233 was crying by herself in the bathroom 230 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:33,700 about two weeks ago? 231 00:07:33,766 --> 00:07:37,266 Huh, and to think there was a brief, stupid moment 232 00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:39,300 where I actually believed in ghosts. 233 00:07:39,366 --> 00:07:42,166 Oh, you're too cool to believe in the occult. 234 00:07:42,233 --> 00:07:45,233 No, I believe in human stupidity. 235 00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:47,266 Exhibit A. Case closed. 236 00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:48,533 Well, then you won't mind if I put 237 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,700 a berserker avenging spell on your anus. 238 00:07:50,766 --> 00:07:52,266 (chuckles) Oh, no. 239 00:07:52,333 --> 00:07:54,166 Knock yourself out. 240 00:07:54,233 --> 00:07:55,433 Herper. Done. 241 00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,066 ‐That's the whole spell? ‐Yeah. 242 00:07:57,133 --> 00:07:58,366 You're in for a long night. 243 00:07:58,433 --> 00:07:59,366 You don't wanna give me a little bit more, 244 00:07:59,433 --> 00:08:00,566 I mean, do a little show? 245 00:08:00,633 --> 00:08:01,733 LANCE: Wait a second. 246 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:06,433 You have been fucking my mommy? 247 00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:12,733 (cool jazz music) 248 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:16,533 Getting punched by a teenager is a total bummer. 249 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,800 Oh, well, come on, David. It's not that bad. 250 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:22,566 Tracey literally told Lance I was a ghost 251 00:08:22,633 --> 00:08:25,033 rather than acknowledging me as a person 252 00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:26,433 because she was, like, ashamed of me. 253 00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:28,133 Yeah, it must be very hard for you. 254 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,400 And I really liked her too. (growls) 255 00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:32,466 It's like all I have to look forward to now 256 00:08:32,533 --> 00:08:34,933 is, like, getting older and older 257 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,166 and meeting divorced ladies and getting a crush on 'em 258 00:08:38,233 --> 00:08:41,166 and then getting wailed on by their children? 259 00:08:41,233 --> 00:08:42,766 Like, I'm just gonna keep doing this 260 00:08:42,833 --> 00:08:45,566 until I'm 200 years old, and then I'm an actual ghost, 261 00:08:45,633 --> 00:08:46,900 and then no one's gonna wanna fuck me 262 00:08:46,966 --> 00:08:48,366 'cause it's, like, fucking a ghost 263 00:08:48,433 --> 00:08:50,300 is like fucking the stuff that comes out of a humidifier? 264 00:08:50,366 --> 00:08:52,000 Like, what? This is my life? 265 00:08:52,066 --> 00:08:54,266 Uh‐huh, even though she treated you exactly 266 00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,333 the same way you bragged about treating her. 267 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,000 (chuckles) This must be very hard for you. 268 00:08:58,066 --> 00:08:59,466 Dude, what is your problem? 269 00:08:59,533 --> 00:09:02,033 I can't stand it! My ass itches so bad. 270 00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:03,133 (laughs) 271 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,500 ‐I'm literally butthurt. ‐Yes. 272 00:09:05,566 --> 00:09:09,566 I know why‐‐because a witch said she was gonna put 273 00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:11,733 a berserker revenging spell on your anus. 274 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,033 I probably ate something spicy is all. 275 00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:15,266 You know what? 276 00:09:15,333 --> 00:09:16,366 I'm glad that I'm not the only one hurting 277 00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:18,166 on this houseboat deck. Thank you. 278 00:09:18,233 --> 00:09:19,966 Oh, I'm glad I could cheer you up with my ass itching. 279 00:09:20,033 --> 00:09:21,333 Bro, you're a true friend. 280 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,266 And thank your anus too. Your butt is a true friend. 281 00:09:23,333 --> 00:09:26,333 Uh, David, will you please go get the cream from my bathroom? 282 00:09:27,466 --> 00:09:28,700 No.