1
00:00:06,900 --> 00:00:08,166
(cool jazz music)
2
00:00:08,233 --> 00:00:10,233
MARK: John Hunchman
and David Purefoy.
3
00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:11,433
How you boys been?
4
00:00:11,500 --> 00:00:13,666
Man, oh, man,
look at you guys.
5
00:00:13,733 --> 00:00:15,000
Hunchman, you still got
6
00:00:15,066 --> 00:00:16,600
that backpack
with pink stripes?
7
00:00:16,666 --> 00:00:17,966
You know, the one from
the eighth grade?
8
00:00:18,033 --> 00:00:19,033
‐Uh‐huh.
‐Remember that one?
9
00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:20,933
As I've told you before,
no, I do not.
10
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,366
(laughs)
11
00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:24,200
We used to kill him over
that backpack, huh, Dave?
12
00:00:24,266 --> 00:00:25,400
‐(chuckles)
‐Right?
13
00:00:25,466 --> 00:00:27,733
Damn, pink stripes,
you kidding me?
14
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:29,166
‐On a backpack?
‐Yeah.
15
00:00:29,233 --> 00:00:30,966
Those pink stripes
were pretty bad.
16
00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:32,500
Hey, what's new with you,
Pure‐if?
17
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:34,300
‐What's up?
‐You know, I'm chilling.
18
00:00:34,366 --> 00:00:36,933
I got a cool thing going
with a lady.
19
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:40,233
Oh, prithee do tell, young lad.
20
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:41,600
Ugh, prithee no thank you.
21
00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:45,266
Casual, hot, don't have
to spend money on her.
22
00:00:45,333 --> 00:00:47,833
‐Don't have to spend the night.
‐Real chivalrous, David.
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00:00:47,900 --> 00:00:49,366
And she's a total freak too.
24
00:00:49,433 --> 00:00:53,133
She had me take one of those
big, blue ceramic dogs‐‐
25
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,533
‐Hey, old man.
‐Uh‐‐
26
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,666
No one wants to hear
about your sex life
27
00:00:56,733 --> 00:00:57,900
with your droopy balls.
28
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Wait, who are you again?
29
00:00:59,366 --> 00:01:01,966
I'm Lance, and don't you
forget the name.
30
00:01:02,033 --> 00:01:03,500
It's Lance.
31
00:01:03,566 --> 00:01:06,000
Uh, Lance is my client.
He's the reason y'all are here.
32
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,400
I pay y'all by the hour, right?
33
00:01:07,466 --> 00:01:09,466
So stop wasting my time
with this bullshit
34
00:01:09,533 --> 00:01:11,633
about pink backpacks
and whatever skank
35
00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:13,200
this old‐ass loser's
hooking up with.
36
00:01:13,266 --> 00:01:15,033
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,
she's not a skank.
37
00:01:15,100 --> 00:01:17,500
Uh, she's with you, right?
So she's a skank.
38
00:01:17,566 --> 00:01:20,600
Okay, okay, settle down, Lance.
Just relax.
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00:01:20,666 --> 00:01:24,833
Uh, look, Lance, why don't you
explain your situation
40
00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:26,533
to our colleagues.
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00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,566
Pay attention.
42
00:01:29,633 --> 00:01:33,066
Me and my mom live alone.
Someone's harassing us.
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It happens at night.
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(wood crashes)
45
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Furniture crashing.
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00:01:37,166 --> 00:01:38,100
(floor creaking)
47
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:40,300
Creaky floor.
48
00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:42,800
Drippy faucet even though
I turned that shit off.
49
00:01:42,866 --> 00:01:44,033
(ghostly moan)
50
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:46,133
Creepy moaning.
‐Uh‐huh.
51
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,266
You know, it sounds
like it could be a‐‐
52
00:01:47,333 --> 00:01:49,200
A ghost?
Yeah, no duh.
53
00:01:49,266 --> 00:01:51,000
It's a ghost.
‐I was gonna say your mom.
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00:01:51,066 --> 00:01:52,200
What'd you say about my mom?
55
00:01:52,266 --> 00:01:53,233
DAVID:
No, I don't mean it like that.
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00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:54,700
You think my mom is a ghost?
57
00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:55,800
No, I'm just saying‐‐
58
00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,800
She works two jobs
just to provide for me.
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Keep talking 'bout my mom.
See what happens.
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00:02:00,766 --> 00:02:03,033
Oh, okay, easy, son, easy.
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00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:04,733
Damn, we got
a live one here, boys.
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00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,033
(chuckles)
63
00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:07,900
I'll straight murk you,
you Angela Lansbury,
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00:02:07,966 --> 00:02:09,000
old‐ass looking bitch.
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00:02:09,066 --> 00:02:11,100
Okay, okay,
let's focus please.
66
00:02:11,166 --> 00:02:12,966
Uh, Taggy, what do you
want us to do?
67
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,633
Well, serve papers like always.
68
00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:17,533
Well, okay, but to whom
are we serving these papers?
69
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,066
To the ghost.
Damn, y'all are dense.
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00:02:20,133 --> 00:02:21,500
What, seriously?
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00:02:21,566 --> 00:02:24,966
My mom says it's a ghost,
and I always protect my mom,
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00:02:25,033 --> 00:02:26,566
so I'm suing it.
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00:02:26,633 --> 00:02:30,033
First ever ghost lawsuit‐‐
lawyer hall of fame, me.
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00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:31,600
♪♪ ♪♪
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00:02:31,666 --> 00:02:32,633
Okay.
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00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:33,933
You know Kendra
at Skull and Sage?
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Yeah, the dumb new age shop
where dog food city used to be.
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00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:38,866
Oh, don't say "new age"
around Kendra.
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00:02:38,933 --> 00:02:40,566
She'll put a hex on your ass.
80
00:02:40,633 --> 00:02:43,066
Anyway, Kendra's got
one of them thingamajigs
81
00:02:43,133 --> 00:02:45,033
for texting with ghosts
and witches and whatnot.
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00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:46,166
You're talking
about a Woojoo board?
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00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:47,266
MARK: Yeah, that's it.
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00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:48,233
(chuckles)
This is ridiculous.
85
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,233
‐What'd you say?
‐Um, nothing.
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00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:51,966
All right, here's the summons.
87
00:02:52,033 --> 00:02:53,566
Lance'll take you boys
to his house
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00:02:53,633 --> 00:02:56,333
once it's dark out.
Kendra will meet you there.
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00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,733
Use her Woojoo board to contact
the ghost, then serve him
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00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,866
and tell that undead,
see‐through son of a gun
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00:03:01,933 --> 00:03:04,600
I'll be seeing him in court.
What could go wrong?
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(thunder crashes)
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00:03:05,633 --> 00:03:08,566
(dramatic music)
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00:03:08,633 --> 00:03:11,733
♪♪ ♪♪
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So, Lance,
what grade are you in?
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00:03:15,366 --> 00:03:17,066
You know what sucks
about this ghost?
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00:03:17,133 --> 00:03:18,866
I can't physically
beat the shit out of it
98
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:21,433
because it's mist or some shit.
99
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:25,033
Oh, I would love to just wail
on this motherfucker.
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Dude, I hear you.
It's just‐‐
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‐Man, shut up.
‐Okay.
102
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Wish I still had
my butterfly knife.
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I don't.
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00:03:31,433 --> 00:03:32,733
‐Take a right here.
‐Okay.
105
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Last house on the left.
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(owl hoots)
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♪♪ ♪♪
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Uh, are you sure
this is it, Lance?
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(chuckles)
Yes, I'm sure.
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It's my damn house
where I live,
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you stupid
fucking piece of shit.
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There's Kendra.
Let's go.
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John, I gotta
tell you something.
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No, David, not now.
Let's just get this over with.
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It's bad.
It's gonna be bad.
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David, relax.
It's gonna be fine.
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Hey, y'all.
I'm Kendra.
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You ready
for your Woojoo session?
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00:04:00,033 --> 00:04:01,100
Ah, well, if we said no,
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"Woojoo" hold it
against us, Kendra?
121
00:04:02,766 --> 00:04:03,700
(chuckles)
122
00:04:03,766 --> 00:04:05,166
Please don't joke.
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Humor is a sign
of spiritual weakness.
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(groans quietly)
125
00:04:08,466 --> 00:04:09,666
We wanna have
a successful session.
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Come on, attic's upstairs.
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(spooky music)
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Ooh, I wanna go home.
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♪♪ ♪♪
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(thunder cracks)
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00:04:18,733 --> 00:04:22,000
So tonight we'll be
using this Woojoo board
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made from sustainably
forested cedar.
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Sure.
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It's paired
with these hematite crystals
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and this locally sourced
goat's blood.
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‐All right, that's disgusting.
‐Whoa.
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This is to purify
our intention.
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‐What is this exactly?
‐Fairy pus.
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‐Oh!
‐Ugh, okay.
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Don't worry.
It's organic.
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That's not my concern.
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‐Place your fingers like this.
‐JOHN: Ugh.
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00:04:41,666 --> 00:04:44,866
Remember, don't move it.
The spirit does.
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‐Empty your intention.
‐Okay.
145
00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:48,633
‐Sure.
‐Done.
146
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:50,966
No, hang on, I haven't emptied
my intention yet, David.
147
00:04:51,033 --> 00:04:52,466
‐Come on, hurry up.
‐Wait, please.
148
00:04:52,533 --> 00:04:54,000
How hard is it
not to think about anything?
149
00:04:54,066 --> 00:04:55,066
Just empty your goddamn...
‐Stop.
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00:04:55,133 --> 00:04:56,133
‐Intention!
‐Stop interrupting.
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00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,133
‐Let's go!
‐I wanna do it right.
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00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,966
Just wait for me.
(chuckles)
153
00:04:59,033 --> 00:05:01,066
And there we go.
Now it's empty.
154
00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:02,366
Such a dick.
155
00:05:03,266 --> 00:05:04,966
(sighs)
Do you feel it?
156
00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:06,200
‐Feel what?
‐Feel what?
157
00:05:06,266 --> 00:05:09,366
The sacred portal opening.
Begin.
158
00:05:09,433 --> 00:05:11,466
‐May I please speak to the‐‐
‐Please don't yell.
159
00:05:11,533 --> 00:05:12,800
‐Oh.
‐Please don't yell.
160
00:05:12,866 --> 00:05:14,000
‐Excuse me.
‐Thank you.
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00:05:14,066 --> 00:05:15,833
Um, may I please speak
to the entity
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00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,800
residing at the home
of Lance DeLuca?
163
00:05:17,866 --> 00:05:19,366
Hello?
Oh, whoa.
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I am
165
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the g‐gho‐‐
166
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ghost.
167
00:05:27,866 --> 00:05:29,366
I am the ghost?
168
00:05:29,433 --> 00:05:32,066
‐Good Lord, it worked.
‐Told you.
169
00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:35,000
Okay, uh, ghost,
you've been served.
170
00:05:35,066 --> 00:05:36,533
You should hire a lawyer.
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00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:37,633
Boom!
172
00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:39,633
How you like that, ghost?
173
00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:40,933
(scream)
174
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,933
(wood creaking)
175
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,500
♪♪ ♪♪
176
00:05:46,566 --> 00:05:48,066
Babe, I'm home!
177
00:05:48,133 --> 00:05:50,100
(gasps)
That's my mom!
178
00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:51,266
We're up here, Mommy.
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00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:52,733
‐Dude, it was me.
‐What?
180
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:53,900
I am the ghost.
181
00:05:53,966 --> 00:05:55,366
I recognized the house
when we pulled up.
182
00:05:55,433 --> 00:05:57,400
Lance's mom is the lady
I've been hooking up with.
183
00:05:57,466 --> 00:05:59,400
Oh, you‐‐you were
moving the Wooj‐‐‐
184
00:05:59,466 --> 00:06:03,133
‐DAVID: Yes.
‐JOHN: Oh, oh, okay, wow.
185
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:04,333
The furniture crashing‐‐
186
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,866
DAVID: It's probably
when we had coitus
187
00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:08,000
in this old, wooden chair.
He must have heard it.
188
00:06:08,066 --> 00:06:09,133
JOHN: Creaky floor?
189
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,133
DAVID:
It's probably me walking
190
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,600
to the bathroom after coitus.
191
00:06:11,666 --> 00:06:13,166
JOHN: Drippy faucet
even though‐‐
192
00:06:13,233 --> 00:06:15,533
DAVID: I probably didn't turn
off the water after coitus.
193
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:19,100
Okay, and the creepy moaning?
That was you during coitus?
194
00:06:19,166 --> 00:06:21,066
Uh, no, actually,
it's me moaning
195
00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:23,066
when Tracey said no cuddling
and kicked me out
196
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:24,433
and said I had to go home.
197
00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:26,233
But I thought you were
just using her for sex and‐‐
198
00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:27,966
It's more complicated
than that.
199
00:06:28,033 --> 00:06:29,133
‐I don't‐‐
‐Oh, okay.
200
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,733
Look, the point is,
Lance already hates me.
201
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,366
If he finds out I've
been screwing his mommy‐‐
202
00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,433
‐Ugh.
‐I gotta go.
203
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:36,966
Lance, honey, what are you
doing up here?
204
00:06:37,033 --> 00:06:40,266
Shh, shh,
everything's gonna be okay.
205
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:43,000
We had a séance.
No more ghosts.
206
00:06:43,066 --> 00:06:45,333
‐Jesus, what is that?
‐What?
207
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,066
(gasps)
It's him!
208
00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:48,566
(thunder cracks)
209
00:06:48,633 --> 00:06:50,666
Stand back, people.
(cracks knuckles)
210
00:06:50,733 --> 00:06:52,300
I'm 'bout to beat up a ghost.
211
00:06:52,366 --> 00:06:54,000
Lance, no!
‐TRACEY: Oh, Lance, baby, no.
212
00:06:54,066 --> 00:06:55,433
Not again.
DAVID: Ow!
213
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:57,033
TRACEY: Lance, no, no, no.
‐(grunts)
214
00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,766
‐DAVID: (moaning)
‐Wait, who is this?
215
00:06:59,833 --> 00:07:02,433
ALL: (gasp)
David Purefoy!
216
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:03,900
Fuck!
217
00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:06,366
‐Hi, Tracey.
‐What is going on?
218
00:07:06,433 --> 00:07:08,733
Well, you told me
all those noises I was hearing
219
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,500
at night were from a ghost.
220
00:07:10,566 --> 00:07:12,966
I wanted to protect you,
so I sued it.
221
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,866
‐Sued who now?
‐The ghost.
222
00:07:14,933 --> 00:07:18,566
‐Duh, Mommy.
‐Oh...wow.
223
00:07:18,633 --> 00:07:21,333
Wait a second.
How do you know this pervert?
224
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,166
Well, now, it's complicated.
225
00:07:23,233 --> 00:07:24,666
(sighs)
Do you guys have some ice?
226
00:07:24,733 --> 00:07:25,700
‐Hold up.
‐Ow.
227
00:07:25,766 --> 00:07:28,466
Somebody tell me
what the fuck is going on.
228
00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:30,566
Okay, honey,
you remember when Mommy
229
00:07:30,633 --> 00:07:32,233
was crying by herself
in the bathroom
230
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:33,700
about two weeks ago?
231
00:07:33,766 --> 00:07:37,266
Huh, and to think there was
a brief, stupid moment
232
00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:39,300
where I actually believed
in ghosts.
233
00:07:39,366 --> 00:07:42,166
Oh, you're too cool
to believe in the occult.
234
00:07:42,233 --> 00:07:45,233
No, I believe
in human stupidity.
235
00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:47,266
Exhibit A.
Case closed.
236
00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:48,533
Well, then you
won't mind if I put
237
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,700
a berserker avenging spell
on your anus.
238
00:07:50,766 --> 00:07:52,266
(chuckles)
Oh, no.
239
00:07:52,333 --> 00:07:54,166
Knock yourself out.
240
00:07:54,233 --> 00:07:55,433
Herper.
Done.
241
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,066
‐That's the whole spell?
‐Yeah.
242
00:07:57,133 --> 00:07:58,366
You're in for a long night.
243
00:07:58,433 --> 00:07:59,366
You don't wanna give me
a little bit more,
244
00:07:59,433 --> 00:08:00,566
I mean, do a little show?
245
00:08:00,633 --> 00:08:01,733
LANCE: Wait a second.
246
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:06,433
You have been fucking my mommy?
247
00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:12,733
(cool jazz music)
248
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:16,533
Getting punched by a teenager
is a total bummer.
249
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,800
Oh, well, come on, David.
It's not that bad.
250
00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:22,566
Tracey literally told Lance
I was a ghost
251
00:08:22,633 --> 00:08:25,033
rather than acknowledging me
as a person
252
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:26,433
because she was,
like, ashamed of me.
253
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:28,133
Yeah, it must be
very hard for you.
254
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,400
And I really liked her too.
(growls)
255
00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:32,466
It's like all I have
to look forward to now
256
00:08:32,533 --> 00:08:34,933
is, like, getting
older and older
257
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,166
and meeting divorced ladies
and getting a crush on 'em
258
00:08:38,233 --> 00:08:41,166
and then getting wailed on
by their children?
259
00:08:41,233 --> 00:08:42,766
Like, I'm just gonna
keep doing this
260
00:08:42,833 --> 00:08:45,566
until I'm 200 years old,
and then I'm an actual ghost,
261
00:08:45,633 --> 00:08:46,900
and then no one's
gonna wanna fuck me
262
00:08:46,966 --> 00:08:48,366
'cause it's, like,
fucking a ghost
263
00:08:48,433 --> 00:08:50,300
is like fucking the stuff
that comes out of a humidifier?
264
00:08:50,366 --> 00:08:52,000
Like, what?
This is my life?
265
00:08:52,066 --> 00:08:54,266
Uh‐huh, even though she
treated you exactly
266
00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,333
the same way you bragged
about treating her.
267
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,000
(chuckles)
This must be very hard for you.
268
00:08:58,066 --> 00:08:59,466
Dude, what is your problem?
269
00:08:59,533 --> 00:09:02,033
I can't stand it!
My ass itches so bad.
270
00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:03,133
(laughs)
271
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,500
‐I'm literally butthurt.
‐Yes.
272
00:09:05,566 --> 00:09:09,566
I know why‐‐because a witch
said she was gonna put
273
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:11,733
a berserker revenging spell
on your anus.
274
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,033
I probably ate something spicy
is all.
275
00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:15,266
You know what?
276
00:09:15,333 --> 00:09:16,366
I'm glad that I'm not
the only one hurting
277
00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:18,166
on this houseboat deck.
Thank you.
278
00:09:18,233 --> 00:09:19,966
Oh, I'm glad I could cheer
you up with my ass itching.
279
00:09:20,033 --> 00:09:21,333
Bro, you're a true friend.
280
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,266
And thank your anus too.
Your butt is a true friend.
281
00:09:23,333 --> 00:09:26,333
Uh, David, will you please go
get the cream from my bathroom?
282
00:09:27,466 --> 00:09:28,700
No.