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["Don't Scratch My Soca"
by Norman Beaton playing]
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♪ From the long, warm nights
With an ocean breeze ♪
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♪ To the damp and to the rain
Of London City ♪
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♪ We come from the sun
To live in the cold ♪
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♪ I miss me rum
I want my coconut tree ♪
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♪ Don't scratch my soca ♪
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♪ Till the party's over ♪
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{\an8}♪ Let's keep the music sweet ♪
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{\an8}♪ Wind up your waist
And feel the beat ♪
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♪ Don't scratch my soca! ♪
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Listen to this. The dream dictionary says
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that if you dream you're a fish
swimming about in the ocean...
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it means you've got an endless
sexual appetite.
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And what's that got to do with sex?
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And since when d'you need
a dictionary for dreams?
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I mean, a dream is a dream.
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Dreams don't go from A to Z,
they go all over the place!
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Dreams can be significant, Dad.
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-I had a dream...
-Some dreams can be significant...
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Yeah, Des, I've always found
dreams fascinating, you know.
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-I have the wildest dreams.
-Well, that doesn't surprise me.
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Now. What are your dreams
about then, Tony?
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Huh? I don't remember them.
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How do you know if you had a dream,
if you can't remember?
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Well, we all have dreams
we don't remember.
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I had a dream! I remember mine.
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All right. Tell us what it was
and we'll look it up.
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Well, I was walking down this road
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with a sweet potato and a carrot...
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and, you see, we were on our way
to a restaurant to have lunch...
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Anyway, we got there, and we were
shown to the table by a parsnip.
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-And you know what was on the menu?
-[all] No!
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Me! They wanted to eat me.
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So what, these vegetables wanted
to eat a pork pie?
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You know what, Porkpie? I always thought
that you were strange,
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but I can now definitely say
you're mad.
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Everybody, look who I just found!
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Leroy Smart!
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London Calling– Remember the siege!
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He's come to see us
about making a programme.
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A programme? What? Here?
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Yes, we'll definitely
have to dress it up a little.
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-What's the programme about?
-No, it's no big deal, really.
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We've got a new slot, a ten-minute docus.
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I was thinking of calling this one
Blacks To The Future.
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Well, I like it anyway.
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Don't you think it's a bit marginalised?
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-And what's your name, sweetie?
-Gloria.
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Gloria, great! "Marginalised" – I like it!
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No, no, no. What we want to do this time
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is to present some positive images
of black people.
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We're thinking of starting Wednesday
and we thought we could use you.
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Use us?
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Yes, the nation's heart went out
to this family after the siege,
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the amount of fan mail I got was amazing!
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-Fan mail?
-What we got was amazing.
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-Didn't you get any?
-No!
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-My office never send you none?
-No!
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Never mind. So, what do you think
about my Blacks To The Future idea?
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I mean, doesn't it sound sexy to you, hmm?
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Oh, positively sexy!
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Oh, Leroy, did I ever tell you
I was a lead singer with a band?
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No.
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Well, if you could slip in
a couple of tunes
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then I could show you how talented I am...
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-Desmond!
-Er, we are.
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Hey, Leroy,
could I bring the Brothers along?
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What Brothers, man?
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Well, you know, just to be in
the background when they cut in here.
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Leroy, I only want you to film
this side of my face, you know.
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This is my best side.
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Frankly, Porkpie,
I thought you sat on your best side.
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Me on the TV! My mum's gonna love this!
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You know, I always thought I'd be there.
Listen, Leroy, do you know any agents?
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-Look, I must make one thing very clear.
-What?
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This feature is about the story
behind the story.
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So we'll only be using the Patel--
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-[all] Who?
-...Ambrose...
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-[all] Yeah.
-...family. This is docu, baby.
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What do you mean?
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Cheap limited budget. You'll get my drift.
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But I'm part of the family!
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This programme's about a black family,
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we're all part of that,
you know what I'm saying?
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Well, if there's any problems,
there's my card
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Very nice, very nice. 'Scuse me.
So I'll be...
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Ciao.
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Hello, Leroy Smart!
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-Who's London Calling now then?
-What?
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Listen, mate, your firm don't need
any cameras, do they?
91
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,040
No, we've to plenty of cameras.
What we need is good cameramen.
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Nah, mate, fresh out of cameramen.
But I'll tell you what I have got.
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You don't fancy a coupla tickets
to see Pavarotti.
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-I've got a couple if you're interested.
-I'll take them.
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-Bring them on Wednesday. Ciao.
-Wednesday?
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What's happenin' on Wednesday, then?
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We all going to be TV stars.
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-We are going to be TV stars.
-Yeah, family only!
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I've known this family
longer than you, Sean.
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-Oh, Porkpie, don't be childish!
-But, Shirley--
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Listen, Porkpie, sometimes you have to
accept certain decisions.
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that's what being an adult is all about.
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[laughs]
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Listen, Des, me ol' son,
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would you accept that most people
have skeletons in their cupboard?
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Well, other families
have skeletons in their cupboard...
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-'Ello, Dad!
-What?
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I've been looking for you all my life.
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Desmond!
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Hold it, Shirley, I can explain. Get off!
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I don't know what you talking about!
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I don't know why you called
this stupid meeting.
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I suppose you want to instruct us all
to behave on television,
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in case we make idiots
of ourselves, correct?
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No.
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When the only person who's gonna make
an idiot himself on television is you.
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I mean, working in a bank
with a stupid haircut like that!
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I mean, I suppose you got it styled
by a landscape gardener.
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Desmond, stop being provocative.
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Look, it's only natural
that we all sit around
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and discuss how the television people
are gonna present us.
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I mean, just because somebody
wants to poke a camera in your face,
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you tend to get stupid
and act as if you are a star.
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All I did was to ask the man
if he want to hear me sing!
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You did what?
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I think we should keep close tabs
on that Leroy Smart
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and what he does with that programme.
128
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And I'd like to volunteer as the one
that keeps very close to him...
129
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Yes. I bet you will!
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Well, I don't think we should
do this programme.
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[all] What?
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00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,760
Well, let's face it, Mum's right,
as soon as television's mentioned,
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Dad thinks he's Nat King Cole,
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00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,640
and Gloria is Peckham's answer
to Janet Jackson.
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Michael, what are you talking about?
We've got to do it.
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I've told all the Brothers, man.
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[tutting] There's something
not quite right here.
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I mean, my son, the entrepreneur,
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the one who's always giving me grief
about raising the profile of the shop.
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How to get more customers
to make more money.
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This is an opportunity
for millions of people to see me!
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-You?
-I mean us.
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I mean, that hairstyle must have
done something to your head, boy!
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And if you don't want to be
in this programme, fine!
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No one's asking you to be.
You don't even live here.
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Tell him, Sister!
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Look, I think this could all be
a terrible mistake.
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Michael, stop pussyfooting,
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and tell us why
you really don't want to do this?
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-It's not that I--
-Oh, get on with it, boy.
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All right. I've been shortlisted
for promotion at the bank.
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How short and which list?
153
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Well, I...
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I'm currently... number ten
in the pecking order.
155
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Oh! And you don't want us
to blow your chances.
156
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Well, yes, this might, you see.
I mean, the selectors might--
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Once again, Michael is ashamed of us.
158
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What you doing, Desmond?
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00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,440
I'm calling Lee to tell him to bring
that skeleton 'round here,
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because that ain't no son of mine.
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Sit down, Desmond.
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-But, Shirley--
-Sit!
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All right, all right.
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Leroy Smart said he wanted to present us
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as positive images of black people. Hmm?
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Now we all know
we get a lot of negative stuff...
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Right.
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If I had anything to do with it...
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the Ambrose Family
will come across as ourselves--
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Bright, positive, intelligent.
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-And that includes your father.
-Shirley!
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And since you are up for promotion,
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what better to show them who you are
and where you come from?
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Michael, for someone who can be
as selfish as you,
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I'm surprised you missed that opportunity!
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-Am I that selfish?
-[all] Yes!
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All right. I suppose we can at least
make some money.
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Money? You mean we get paid?
179
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,880
Have you got his card, Mum?
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[sighs]
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Porkpie, you upset about
this television here?
182
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Nope, I just vexed that I won't be able
to say what I wanted to say.
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What was that?
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To complain about my block of flats.
185
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Why the lifts don't work,
why people use it as a toilet.
186
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:34,960
Why they put pensioners on
the 19th floor instead of the first.
187
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How I'd like to kidnap
the architect who built it
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and make him live in it.
189
00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:41,760
Well, it is a good thing
you're not appearing.
190
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:45,600
With a list of complaints like that,
we'd have ended up with a four-hour epic.
191
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,720
That's it, Desmond, rub it in.
192
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:53,280
I want nothing to do with your lot.
193
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:54,480
Oh, come on, Porkpie.
194
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:56,520
You can't sit there
sulking about it all day.
195
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,640
Sulking? Who's sulking?
Just shut up and play with your scissors.
196
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,400
I know exactly how you feel,
Porkpie, my son.
197
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,520
As soon as a bit of fame and fortune
comes your way,
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00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:06,600
they abandon us.
199
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,400
Well, I tell you what,
if it happened to me,
200
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,000
I'd do exactly the same!
201
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,520
Leroy Smart!
202
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:15,480
-[both hissing]
-How nice to see you!
203
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,960
-You don't mind if I call you "Leroy"?
-No, not at all.
204
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,160
-Erm, did my agent...
-Agent?
205
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,160
My son, Michael,
contact about my contractual agreements?
206
00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,680
-Oh, yes, yes, yes, he did.
-[sighs] Ah!
207
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,040
[whispers] How much we gonna get?
208
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:29,600
-Nothing.
-Nothing?
209
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,360
Well, this is the fast lane, Desmond.
210
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,760
we in television
have to make vital decisions.
211
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:39,960
We have to responsibility to our viewers,
make programmes that keep viewers glued.
212
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:44,120
-The pitch on this programme is wrong.
-Pitch? What you say?
213
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,600
Well, one thought that after
speaking to Micahel
214
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,200
the family lacked "charisma".
215
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:51,480
-Family?
-I mean the programme lacked charisma.
216
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,840
So, until the next time, ciao!
217
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:55,600
[stuttering] Er... Hey!
218
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:57,800
No.
219
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,800
Well, I think you're all being a bit
hard on Michael.
220
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,160
It wasn't Michael's fault.
221
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,240
Yes, it was. But they said he was boring!
222
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:13,480
They never said I was boring,
they said we lacked charisma.
223
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:14,600
Same difference!
224
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,120
What exactly did you say to him?
225
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,560
Look, I don't understand you lot,
226
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,760
who was the one who told you
about the money you could get?
227
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,360
And who was the one who blew it?
228
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,880
Wait a minute, who didn't want us
to do it in the first place?
229
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,720
-[all] Yes.
-Stop it!
230
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,600
Look, there's no point
crying over spilt milk.
231
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:31,680
-Precisely!
-It's only a TV programme.
232
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:34,280
How many programmes we watch
each day, huh?
233
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:35,600
Half of them we don't watch,
234
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:37,120
and the other half
we don't even care about.
235
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:41,320
But if it's charisma he wants,
then we will get it to him.
236
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:45,480
I like it when my wife talks like that,
bold and assertive.
237
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:48,520
-Well done, my little sugar plum.
-Thank you, Desmond.
238
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,560
Now, what do you have in mind, hmm?
239
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,080
Er, I don't know,
I haven't thought about it yet.
240
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,160
Look, I'll go around and talk to him,
try a different approach.
241
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,480
[all] No!
242
00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:00,320
We have nothing to lose!
243
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:01,800
Look, I'll take him out.
244
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:03,560
I'll think of somewhere special,
it'll be my treat.
245
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:06,360
Well, if you're paying...
246
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,840
So, how long have you been riding?
247
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,280
Er, on and off.
248
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,680
Well, more off than on, actually.
249
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,400
Oh, so you've been thrown a few times?
250
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,280
Er, no... Well, I mean yes.
251
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,640
Don't worry, happens to the best of us–
I know. [chuckles]
252
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,520
-So what riding club do you belong to?
-Huh?
253
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:37,360
Club? Er, well, [stutters]
I don't any more.
254
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:40,440
-But enough time to justify the expense.
-Oh, I know what you mean!
255
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,840
-Why did you think our family's boring?
-That's not what I said.
256
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:48,160
Look, Desmond's is a milestone
of Black British enterprise.
257
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,800
It's a community centre,
a confessional, a social service.
258
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:53,240
[chuckles] And I thought
it was a barbershop!
259
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,280
No, no, no, no, seriously...
260
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:58,440
I like it.
261
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,080
Ethos, community, traditional...
262
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:04,640
ECT.
263
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,120
Yeah, man, that sound wicked!
Great, great, great.
264
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,840
Shall we gallop back?
265
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:13,240
-Er... yeah, man. G'wan.
-[chuckles]
266
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,480
Whoa!
267
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,480
Right, ready? Okay.
268
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:29,880
{\an8}Blacks To The Future.
The Egg Scene, take six. And... action!
269
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,200
No, no, no! Desmond, look, look, look.
270
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,120
We don't want the audience
seeing you brutalising an egg
271
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,720
first thing in the morning, now, do we?
272
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,720
But that's the way I always hit it!
273
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,400
Could we have another egg, please, Shirl.
274
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:50,760
Thank you. Now, let's try again,
but a little softer this time, please.
275
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:55,200
Right– Blacks To The Future.
Egg Scene, take seven.
276
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,800
[chuckles] All right, Mr Smart,
when are you ready for me?
277
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,680
-Mr Grant...
-Call me "Porkpie".
278
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,400
That's the name I want to see
on the credits.
279
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,840
Porkpie, we're doing the local oddities
section downstairs!
280
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,720
So could you please wait downstairs, hmm?
281
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:11,080
Local Oddities section. All right.
But can I see a piece first?
282
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,160
Oh, certainly, certainly, certainly.
And...
283
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,720
-Over there!
-Okay. [chuckles]
284
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,960
Ready? And take eight, and...
285
00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,160
Hello, Londoners. My name is Porkpie.
286
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,520
Now I think the pensioners
should have more power.
287
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,160
-What you doing?
-I'm rehearsing my piece.
288
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,640
Shh!
289
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,560
And... action!
290
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,760
-Good luck, Desmond!
-Cut!
291
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,760
Er... Porkpie, I think
you'd better go downstairs.
292
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,160
[Porkpie] I didn't know the camera was on!
293
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,360
-Porkpie, downstairs.
-All right...
294
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,320
Sorry.
295
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,840
Right, what I want you to do, Shirl,
is come into shot here,
296
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,400
followed by Sean– Get up– And Gloria– Up.
297
00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:01,880
Now, they sit. And then you come here
and serve them breakfast, okay?
298
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,280
Action!
299
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,160
I thought you wanted to make
a documentary about us!
300
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,920
-I do, I do, I do!
-You wanted a fly-on-the-wall approach.
301
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,400
Yes, I do! I do!
302
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,200
Well, this is not the way
we have breakfast!
303
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:15,640
Yes! What does heating an egg
have to do with us?
304
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,320
Well, I just want to show them out there
that you're normal.
305
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,720
-Normal? What do you mean?
-Yes, of course we are!
306
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,440
-I didn't mean to be rude.
-Oh, don't worry about it.
307
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,600
It's nice to see Desmond and Michael
agreeing about something!
308
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,720
Is that camera still running?
309
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,040
Look, just act natural, okay?
310
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:34,960
Natural?
311
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,200
How do you expect me to act natural
312
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,960
with that thing
pointing at my acting ability?
313
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,720
Stop the camera!
314
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:48,080
Okay, do it your way, huh, please?
315
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,000
Action!
316
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,520
Er, well, I love her, really.
317
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,760
Psst! Psst!
318
00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:58,960
Get off, Desmond.
319
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,720
All right? Yes, erm...
320
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,280
Yes, it was hard
to settle down in England.
321
00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:08,920
First of all, we were welcome,
and then we became a problem.
322
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,560
Erm... and then when we tried
to set up the shop,
323
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:14,680
lots of people were jealous.
324
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:18,320
Erm... [stutters] But we had a lot of help
from the community.
325
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,440
-Did we?
-Of course we did!
326
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:21,920
Well, they didn't give us any money!
327
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,440
-Well, money isn't everything!
-But, I...
328
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:27,840
[whispers] Cut!
329
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,440
-Action!
-My greatest fear?
330
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,280
[Leroy] No, no, no, that way!
331
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:38,240
-Bees. I hate bees!
-That's a phobia!
332
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,280
What's the difference?
I'm still frightened of them.
333
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,080
-Can I change this cardigan?
-No!
334
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,760
My greatest fear is that
I wouldn't make it
335
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,840
before I build my house
back home in Guyana.
336
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,840
It's very important to me.
I vowed I would.
337
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:58,000
I know some members of my family
don't share my dream.
338
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:02,400
But I will do it. I will do it.
339
00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,040
You sure I can't change this cardigan?
340
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,680
No!
341
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,720
My biggest fear is dying before Desmond.
342
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:15,680
He's so hopeless,
he wouldn't be able to cope.
343
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,720
Well, I managed before when you went away.
344
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:22,160
Yeah, but you only had to manage
until I came back. Eh?
345
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:23,880
And even then
I had to prepare things for you.
346
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,480
If I die, I'm not coming back.
347
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,320
Hmm, that's true!
348
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,080
Well, you'll just have to stock up
the freezer before you go.
349
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,720
-[Leroy] Action!
-[Porkpie] When are you going to film me?
350
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,280
Downstairs, Porkpie.
We're coming in a minute!
351
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:40,160
Sorry. So you're coming in a minute?
Which minute?
352
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,520
[all] Downstairs, Porkpie!
353
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:45,320
-[exclaiming] Ah!
-Gloria's interview.
354
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:51,920
Take 27. And... action.
355
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,960
-[bursts out laughing]
-Cut!
356
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,680
[Leroy] Take 49. And... action!
357
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:01,640
Well, it would've been nice
to have a sister,
358
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,760
you know, someone you can
share things with.
359
00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,359
I mean, Mum's okay, but she's me mum.
360
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,319
And I can't talk to her
about boyfriends and sex,
361
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,720
and peer pressure,
and all of them sort of things.
362
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,839
And I can't borrow her clothes
or her makeup.
363
00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:15,800
And I think living in a house
that's predominantly male
364
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,160
has taught me one thing...
365
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,200
you gotta shout to be heard.
366
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,040
But I like it. Is that alright?
367
00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:23,760
I have to say "cut"!
368
00:17:23,839 --> 00:17:25,480
I thought I'd take you down here,
you know,
369
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:26,960
to show you where I'm really coming from.
370
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,400
This is the streets, man
371
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:29,760
Enough running,
you know what I'm saying?
372
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,880
No, no, over here, over here, come on!
373
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,960
[Leroy] Ah! Cut, cut.
374
00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:42,840
[funky music playing]
375
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,680
This is it, man. This is where it's at–
We call it The Bunker.
376
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,640
We come down here because
we can't hang out on the streets.
377
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,040
You know what I mean, no places to go.
378
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:58,480
So we're forced underground.
379
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,080
It's amazing how popular you become
when a TV crew is around.
380
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:06,200
Hey, there's Collette, man.
381
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:10,920
No, this is Collette.
382
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:14,440
I've been asking her out for ages, man.
She always turns me down.
383
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:15,720
Not now though, check it.
384
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,600
What do you say, Collette,
pictures tonight, seven o'clock?
385
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,240
No. Sean, I can't!
386
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:22,440
-[all laugh]
-Shame!
387
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,360
Cut, man!
Collette, what do you mean you can't?
388
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:26,880
So what?
389
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,880
Just... something to give 'em.
What's the matter with you?
390
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,560
I can tomorrow night.
391
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:34,520
Oh, safe, then, safe! Smile, smile!
392
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,440
When I became a partner
in this business three years ago,
393
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:50,920
and at the time of joining, one thought
that it needed to be more profitable.
394
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,360
So one set about a plan
that would take us into the '90s.
395
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,600
-Indeed--
-Where does "One" come into this?
396
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:58,120
I'm the one who runs the business!
397
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,680
-We run the business, Father.
-[Leroy] Do you often argue?
398
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:01,760
-No.
-Yes.
399
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:03,360
[knock at door]
400
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,080
Downstairs, Porkpie!
401
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:08,440
[Porkpie] Hurry up, man.
Me tired and it's getting late!
402
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:13,480
Well, all families have arguments.
I like to argue with my son.
403
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,720
Yes. We're all right, really.
Aren't we, Father?
404
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,400
You see, I need to get on with him
just in case he writes me out of his will.
405
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,200
[chuckles]
406
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:22,760
I never thought of that!
407
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,320
[chuckles nervously] Only joking!
408
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,120
-You don't mean it, do you, Father?
-[chuckles]
409
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,840
-I know that smile... Cut! Cut!
-[laughs]
410
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,000
This is the last shot before
we go downstairs, right.
411
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,840
All I want you to do is
look into the camera and smile, okay?
412
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,360
Comfortable? Right. Action!
413
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,040
Quick, Leroy, mate.
Here, cameraman, I've got a shot for ya.
414
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:51,320
See this, come.
415
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,560
Yes, my name's Lee, right,
you've covered the Peckham Prince.
416
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,160
Oh, yeah, before I forget.
I've got those Pavarotti tickets for you.
417
00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,800
-[Leroy] Not now, you fool!
-Oh, okay.
418
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,240
[shushing]
419
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:07,280
Yes... Yes, Desreen.
420
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:10,520
I like that.
421
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,320
No, not there.
422
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,880
Yes, just there.
423
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,240
[grunts and snores]
424
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:25,840
[whispers] I think he's having an affair
with a vegetable.
425
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,240
I'll tell you what, Des, me ol' son,
426
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,440
this programme's done wonders
for my image.
427
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,520
I've got people stalking me in the streets
428
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,840
and ask me if I've got
anymore Pavarotti tickets.
429
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:45,560
Well, I must confess, I have become
a minor celebrity at college.
430
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:49,360
Well, I can't say I didn't realise
how popular the programme was going to be.
431
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,080
Oh, Desmond, don't act so surprised!
432
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,880
You were actually
willing it to be popular.
433
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,360
I mean, you even had dreams about it!
434
00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:01,160
Yeah! What did that dictionary say
about Porkpie's dream?
435
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,760
All right, all right,
you don't have to rub it in!
436
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:08,520
I didn't know that smart ape Leroy
would keep that piece about me dreaming.
437
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,920
I'm getting some funny phone calls.
438
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,480
Are you really, Porkpie?
439
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,280
Perhaps it's from a carrot or a parsnip.
440
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,720
-[Desmond] Hey.
-Mum, Dad, this is Collette.
441
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,160
Er, you remember her, don't you?
442
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,320
-Yes!
-Hello, Collette.
443
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,120
Hi, Mrs Ambrose.
444
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:31,120
Yeah. We're going upstairs to do some...
homework.
445
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,440
And then we're off to the pictures.
446
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,120
-Ah!
-[Sean clears throat]
447
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,600
I want everyone to meet my sisters.
448
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:42,920
We're starting a sisterhood network
for all the single girls in a family,
449
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,720
and we're calling it ASSOF.
450
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,240
-Er...
-A Single Sister Of Family.
451
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,080
Whoo! Well, hello, sisters!
452
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,280
Listen, my name's Lee,
you can call me the Peckham Prince.
453
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:56,240
-Listen, maybe we should call him Buzzoff.
-No, no!
454
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:02,800
-[Desmond] Leroy Smart!
-Pleased to meet you, sir.
455
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,920
I've just come to give the whole family
a special thanks for the programme.
456
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,280
It was very well-received.
457
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:10,160
-I want a word with you!
-And I want a word with you.
458
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,880
You see, as a result of the programme,
I have been promoted.
459
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,760
And we've had so many calls
about Porkpie's dream,
460
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,880
that my first programme will be on dreams.
461
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:23,200
Does that sound sexy to you?
Here's my card.
462
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:27,120
Call me. We'll do lunch, okay? Ciao!
463
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:28,360
Ciao!
464
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:31,840
Ciao!
465
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,880
-Michael, what's wrong?
-Nothing.
466
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:41,200
You look miserable. Why is it?
467
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,920
Tell me what makes you so miserable,
so I can learn a few tips.
468
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,440
Mr Phillips called me into his office
today to talk about a promotion.
469
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,560
-You know, I was on a shortlist of ten.
-Yes...
470
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:54,960
Now I'm number 12.
471
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:57,760
He really enjoyed the programme,
472
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:01,160
but he said he couldn't have an employee
in such a senior position...
473
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,120
with a hairstyle
that was likely to cause offence.
474
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:08,160
So he told me to come here and get it cut.
475
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:11,240
[laughing]
476
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:12,760
Step this way!
477
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:16,000
{\an8}[theme music playing]