1 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,600 ["Don't Scratch My Soca" by Norman Beaton playing] 2 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:10,960 ♪ From the long, warm nights With an ocean breeze ♪ 3 00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:14,480 ♪ To the damp and to the rain Of London City ♪ 4 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,640 ♪ We come from the sun To live in the cold ♪ 5 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:22,160 ♪ I miss me rum I want my coconut tree ♪ 6 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:25,920 ♪ Don't scratch my soca ♪ 7 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,880 ♪ Till the party's over ♪ 8 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,600 {\an8}♪ Let's keep the music sweet ♪ 9 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,120 {\an8}♪ Wind up your waist And feel the beat ♪ 10 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:37,520 ♪ Don't scratch my soca! ♪ 11 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:46,920 Listen to this. The dream dictionary says 12 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,680 that if you dream you're a fish swimming about in the ocean... 13 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:52,440 it means you've got an endless sexual appetite. 14 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,480 And what's that got to do with sex? 15 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,400 And since when d'you need a dictionary for dreams? 16 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,000 I mean, a dream is a dream. 17 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:01,000 Dreams don't go from A to Z, they go all over the place! 18 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,160 Dreams can be significant, Dad. 19 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,560 -I had a dream... -Some dreams can be significant... 20 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,320 Yeah, Des, I've always found dreams fascinating, you know. 21 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,160 -I have the wildest dreams. -Well, that doesn't surprise me. 22 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,600 Now. What are your dreams about then, Tony? 23 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:16,680 Huh? I don't remember them. 24 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,440 How do you know if you had a dream, if you can't remember? 25 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,960 Well, we all have dreams we don't remember. 26 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,600 I had a dream! I remember mine. 27 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:28,360 All right. Tell us what it was and we'll look it up. 28 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:32,240 Well, I was walking down this road 29 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:34,480 with a sweet potato and a carrot... 30 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:38,760 and, you see, we were on our way to a restaurant to have lunch... 31 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:44,800 Anyway, we got there, and we were shown to the table by a parsnip. 32 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,200 -And you know what was on the menu? -[all] No! 33 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,520 Me! They wanted to eat me. 34 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:53,560 So what, these vegetables wanted to eat a pork pie? 35 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,240 You know what, Porkpie? I always thought that you were strange, 36 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,760 but I can now definitely say you're mad. 37 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,200 Everybody, look who I just found! 38 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,000 Leroy Smart! 39 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:05,360 London Calling– Remember the siege! 40 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:07,320 He's come to see us about making a programme. 41 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,120 A programme? What? Here? 42 00:02:09,199 --> 00:02:12,080 Yes, we'll definitely have to dress it up a little. 43 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:14,280 -What's the programme about? -No, it's no big deal, really. 44 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:16,400 We've got a new slot, a ten-minute docus. 45 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,760 I was thinking of calling this one Blacks To The Future. 46 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:22,880 Well, I like it anyway. 47 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,880 Don't you think it's a bit marginalised? 48 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,960 -And what's your name, sweetie? -Gloria. 49 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:30,320 Gloria, great! "Marginalised" – I like it! 50 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,000 No, no, no. What we want to do this time 51 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:35,880 is to present some positive images of black people. 52 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,840 We're thinking of starting Wednesday and we thought we could use you. 53 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:39,920 Use us? 54 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,720 Yes, the nation's heart went out to this family after the siege, 55 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,600 the amount of fan mail I got was amazing! 56 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:47,040 -Fan mail? -What we got was amazing. 57 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:48,320 -Didn't you get any? -No! 58 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:49,360 -My office never send you none? -No! 59 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:53,400 Never mind. So, what do you think about my Blacks To The Future idea? 60 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,200 I mean, doesn't it sound sexy to you, hmm? 61 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,520 Oh, positively sexy! 62 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:01,920 Oh, Leroy, did I ever tell you I was a lead singer with a band? 63 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,000 No. 64 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,280 Well, if you could slip in a couple of tunes 65 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:05,880 then I could show you how talented I am... 66 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,240 -Desmond! -Er, we are. 67 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,000 Hey, Leroy, could I bring the Brothers along? 68 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:10,080 What Brothers, man? 69 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:11,960 Well, you know, just to be in the background when they cut in here. 70 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,600 Leroy, I only want you to film this side of my face, you know. 71 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:15,800 This is my best side. 72 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:19,080 Frankly, Porkpie, I thought you sat on your best side. 73 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,520 Me on the TV! My mum's gonna love this! 74 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,800 You know, I always thought I'd be there. Listen, Leroy, do you know any agents? 75 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:27,920 -Look, I must make one thing very clear. -What? 76 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,400 This feature is about the story behind the story. 77 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,200 So we'll only be using the Patel-- 78 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:36,160 -[all] Who? -...Ambrose... 79 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:39,440 -[all] Yeah. -...family. This is docu, baby. 80 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:40,640 What do you mean? 81 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,520 Cheap limited budget. You'll get my drift. 82 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,360 But I'm part of the family! 83 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:46,520 This programme's about a black family, 84 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,280 we're all part of that, you know what I'm saying? 85 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,400 Well, if there's any problems, there's my card 86 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:57,360 Very nice, very nice. 'Scuse me. So I'll be... 87 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,040 Ciao. 88 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,120 Hello, Leroy Smart! 89 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,920 -Who's London Calling now then? -What? 90 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,800 Listen, mate, your firm don't need any cameras, do they? 91 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,040 No, we've to plenty of cameras. What we need is good cameramen. 92 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,840 Nah, mate, fresh out of cameramen. But I'll tell you what I have got. 93 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,560 You don't fancy a coupla tickets to see Pavarotti. 94 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,800 -I've got a couple if you're interested. -I'll take them. 95 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:21,519 -Bring them on Wednesday. Ciao. -Wednesday? 96 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,200 What's happenin' on Wednesday, then? 97 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,600 We all going to be TV stars. 98 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:31,320 -We are going to be TV stars. -Yeah, family only! 99 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,440 I've known this family longer than you, Sean. 100 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:36,120 -Oh, Porkpie, don't be childish! -But, Shirley-- 101 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:40,400 Listen, Porkpie, sometimes you have to accept certain decisions. 102 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:43,400 that's what being an adult is all about. 103 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:45,040 [laughs] 104 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,880 Listen, Des, me ol' son, 105 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:51,600 would you accept that most people have skeletons in their cupboard? 106 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:55,920 Well, other families have skeletons in their cupboard... 107 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,360 -'Ello, Dad! -What? 108 00:04:58,440 --> 00:04:59,920 I've been looking for you all my life. 109 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,200 Desmond! 110 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,600 Hold it, Shirley, I can explain. Get off! 111 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,960 I don't know what you talking about! 112 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,600 I don't know why you called this stupid meeting. 113 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,480 I suppose you want to instruct us all to behave on television, 114 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,520 in case we make idiots of ourselves, correct? 115 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:20,600 No. 116 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,960 When the only person who's gonna make an idiot himself on television is you. 117 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,680 I mean, working in a bank with a stupid haircut like that! 118 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:31,240 I mean, I suppose you got it styled by a landscape gardener. 119 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,560 Desmond, stop being provocative. 120 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,760 Look, it's only natural that we all sit around 121 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:41,000 and discuss how the television people are gonna present us. 122 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,880 I mean, just because somebody wants to poke a camera in your face, 123 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,280 you tend to get stupid and act as if you are a star. 124 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,640 All I did was to ask the man if he want to hear me sing! 125 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:50,720 You did what? 126 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,400 I think we should keep close tabs on that Leroy Smart 127 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:54,760 and what he does with that programme. 128 00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:57,640 And I'd like to volunteer as the one that keeps very close to him... 129 00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,640 Yes. I bet you will! 130 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:01,160 Well, I don't think we should do this programme. 131 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:02,280 [all] What? 132 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,760 Well, let's face it, Mum's right, as soon as television's mentioned, 133 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,480 Dad thinks he's Nat King Cole, 134 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,640 and Gloria is Peckham's answer to Janet Jackson. 135 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:11,600 Michael, what are you talking about? We've got to do it. 136 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:12,920 I've told all the Brothers, man. 137 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,080 [tutting] There's something not quite right here. 138 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,280 I mean, my son, the entrepreneur, 139 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,840 the one who's always giving me grief about raising the profile of the shop. 140 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,560 How to get more customers to make more money. 141 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:26,920 This is an opportunity for millions of people to see me! 142 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,960 -You? -I mean us. 143 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,800 I mean, that hairstyle must have done something to your head, boy! 144 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:34,280 And if you don't want to be in this programme, fine! 145 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,120 No one's asking you to be. You don't even live here. 146 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,480 Tell him, Sister! 147 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,880 Look, I think this could all be a terrible mistake. 148 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,960 Michael, stop pussyfooting, 149 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:44,920 and tell us why you really don't want to do this? 150 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,200 -It's not that I-- -Oh, get on with it, boy. 151 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,800 All right. I've been shortlisted for promotion at the bank. 152 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:52,400 How short and which list? 153 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:53,520 Well, I... 154 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,080 I'm currently... number ten in the pecking order. 155 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,440 Oh! And you don't want us to blow your chances. 156 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,480 Well, yes, this might, you see. I mean, the selectors might-- 157 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,760 Once again, Michael is ashamed of us. 158 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:07,560 What you doing, Desmond? 159 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,440 I'm calling Lee to tell him to bring that skeleton 'round here, 160 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,080 because that ain't no son of mine. 161 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,200 Sit down, Desmond. 162 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:16,320 -But, Shirley-- -Sit! 163 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,680 All right, all right. 164 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:23,120 Leroy Smart said he wanted to present us 165 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,240 as positive images of black people. Hmm? 166 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,920 Now we all know we get a lot of negative stuff... 167 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:30,000 Right. 168 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,760 If I had anything to do with it... 169 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:36,280 the Ambrose Family will come across as ourselves-- 170 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:39,720 Bright, positive, intelligent. 171 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,560 -And that includes your father. -Shirley! 172 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,560 And since you are up for promotion, 173 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:50,200 what better to show them who you are and where you come from? 174 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:54,600 Michael, for someone who can be as selfish as you, 175 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,000 I'm surprised you missed that opportunity! 176 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,960 -Am I that selfish? -[all] Yes! 177 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,680 All right. I suppose we can at least make some money. 178 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,160 Money? You mean we get paid? 179 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,880 Have you got his card, Mum? 180 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:17,520 [sighs] 181 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,120 Porkpie, you upset about this television here? 182 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:24,480 Nope, I just vexed that I won't be able to say what I wanted to say. 183 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:25,680 What was that? 184 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,920 To complain about my block of flats. 185 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,440 Why the lifts don't work, why people use it as a toilet. 186 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:34,960 Why they put pensioners on the 19th floor instead of the first. 187 00:08:35,039 --> 00:08:37,320 How I'd like to kidnap the architect who built it 188 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:38,880 and make him live in it. 189 00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:41,760 Well, it is a good thing you're not appearing. 190 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:45,600 With a list of complaints like that, we'd have ended up with a four-hour epic. 191 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,720 That's it, Desmond, rub it in. 192 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:53,280 I want nothing to do with your lot. 193 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:54,480 Oh, come on, Porkpie. 194 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:56,520 You can't sit there sulking about it all day. 195 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,640 Sulking? Who's sulking? Just shut up and play with your scissors. 196 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,400 I know exactly how you feel, Porkpie, my son. 197 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,520 As soon as a bit of fame and fortune comes your way, 198 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:06,600 they abandon us. 199 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,400 Well, I tell you what, if it happened to me, 200 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,000 I'd do exactly the same! 201 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,520 Leroy Smart! 202 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:15,480 -[both hissing] -How nice to see you! 203 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,960 -You don't mind if I call you "Leroy"? -No, not at all. 204 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,160 -Erm, did my agent... -Agent? 205 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,160 My son, Michael, contact about my contractual agreements? 206 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,680 -Oh, yes, yes, yes, he did. -[sighs] Ah! 207 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,040 [whispers] How much we gonna get? 208 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:29,600 -Nothing. -Nothing? 209 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,360 Well, this is the fast lane, Desmond. 210 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,760 we in television have to make vital decisions. 211 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:39,960 We have to responsibility to our viewers, make programmes that keep viewers glued. 212 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:44,120 -The pitch on this programme is wrong. -Pitch? What you say? 213 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,600 Well, one thought that after speaking to Micahel 214 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,200 the family lacked "charisma". 215 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:51,480 -Family? -I mean the programme lacked charisma. 216 00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,840 So, until the next time, ciao! 217 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:55,600 [stuttering] Er... Hey! 218 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:57,800 No. 219 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,800 Well, I think you're all being a bit hard on Michael. 220 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,160 It wasn't Michael's fault. 221 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,240 Yes, it was. But they said he was boring! 222 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:13,480 They never said I was boring, they said we lacked charisma. 223 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:14,600 Same difference! 224 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,120 What exactly did you say to him? 225 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,560 Look, I don't understand you lot, 226 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,760 who was the one who told you about the money you could get? 227 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,360 And who was the one who blew it? 228 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,880 Wait a minute, who didn't want us to do it in the first place? 229 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,720 -[all] Yes. -Stop it! 230 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,600 Look, there's no point crying over spilt milk. 231 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:31,680 -Precisely! -It's only a TV programme. 232 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:34,280 How many programmes we watch each day, huh? 233 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:35,600 Half of them we don't watch, 234 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:37,120 and the other half we don't even care about. 235 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:41,320 But if it's charisma he wants, then we will get it to him. 236 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:45,480 I like it when my wife talks like that, bold and assertive. 237 00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:48,520 -Well done, my little sugar plum. -Thank you, Desmond. 238 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,560 Now, what do you have in mind, hmm? 239 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,080 Er, I don't know, I haven't thought about it yet. 240 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,160 Look, I'll go around and talk to him, try a different approach. 241 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,480 [all] No! 242 00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:00,320 We have nothing to lose! 243 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:01,800 Look, I'll take him out. 244 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:03,560 I'll think of somewhere special, it'll be my treat. 245 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:06,360 Well, if you're paying... 246 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,840 So, how long have you been riding? 247 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,280 Er, on and off. 248 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,680 Well, more off than on, actually. 249 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,400 Oh, so you've been thrown a few times? 250 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,280 Er, no... Well, I mean yes. 251 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,640 Don't worry, happens to the best of us– I know. [chuckles] 252 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,520 -So what riding club do you belong to? -Huh? 253 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:37,360 Club? Er, well, [stutters] I don't any more. 254 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:40,440 -But enough time to justify the expense. -Oh, I know what you mean! 255 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,840 -Why did you think our family's boring? -That's not what I said. 256 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:48,160 Look, Desmond's is a milestone of Black British enterprise. 257 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,800 It's a community centre, a confessional, a social service. 258 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:53,240 [chuckles] And I thought it was a barbershop! 259 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,280 No, no, no, no, seriously... 260 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:58,440 I like it. 261 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,080 Ethos, community, traditional... 262 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:04,640 ECT. 263 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,120 Yeah, man, that sound wicked! Great, great, great. 264 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,840 Shall we gallop back? 265 00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:13,240 -Er... yeah, man. G'wan. -[chuckles] 266 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,480 Whoa! 267 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,480 Right, ready? Okay. 268 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:29,880 {\an8}Blacks To The Future. The Egg Scene, take six. And... action! 269 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,200 No, no, no! Desmond, look, look, look. 270 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,120 We don't want the audience seeing you brutalising an egg 271 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,720 first thing in the morning, now, do we? 272 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,720 But that's the way I always hit it! 273 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,400 Could we have another egg, please, Shirl. 274 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:50,760 Thank you. Now, let's try again, but a little softer this time, please. 275 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:55,200 Right– Blacks To The Future. Egg Scene, take seven. 276 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,800 [chuckles] All right, Mr Smart, when are you ready for me? 277 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,680 -Mr Grant... -Call me "Porkpie". 278 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,400 That's the name I want to see on the credits. 279 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,840 Porkpie, we're doing the local oddities section downstairs! 280 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,720 So could you please wait downstairs, hmm? 281 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:11,080 Local Oddities section. All right. But can I see a piece first? 282 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,160 Oh, certainly, certainly, certainly. And... 283 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,720 -Over there! -Okay. [chuckles] 284 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,960 Ready? And take eight, and... 285 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,160 Hello, Londoners. My name is Porkpie. 286 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,520 Now I think the pensioners should have more power. 287 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,160 -What you doing? -I'm rehearsing my piece. 288 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,640 Shh! 289 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,560 And... action! 290 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,760 -Good luck, Desmond! -Cut! 291 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,760 Er... Porkpie, I think you'd better go downstairs. 292 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,160 [Porkpie] I didn't know the camera was on! 293 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,360 -Porkpie, downstairs. -All right... 294 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,320 Sorry. 295 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,840 Right, what I want you to do, Shirl, is come into shot here, 296 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,400 followed by Sean– Get up– And Gloria– Up. 297 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:01,880 Now, they sit. And then you come here and serve them breakfast, okay? 298 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,280 Action! 299 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,160 I thought you wanted to make a documentary about us! 300 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,920 -I do, I do, I do! -You wanted a fly-on-the-wall approach. 301 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,400 Yes, I do! I do! 302 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,200 Well, this is not the way we have breakfast! 303 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:15,640 Yes! What does heating an egg have to do with us? 304 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,320 Well, I just want to show them out there that you're normal. 305 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,720 -Normal? What do you mean? -Yes, of course we are! 306 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,440 -I didn't mean to be rude. -Oh, don't worry about it. 307 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,600 It's nice to see Desmond and Michael agreeing about something! 308 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,720 Is that camera still running? 309 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,040 Look, just act natural, okay? 310 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:34,960 Natural? 311 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,200 How do you expect me to act natural 312 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,960 with that thing pointing at my acting ability? 313 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,720 Stop the camera! 314 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:48,080 Okay, do it your way, huh, please? 315 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,000 Action! 316 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,520 Er, well, I love her, really. 317 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,760 Psst! Psst! 318 00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:58,960 Get off, Desmond. 319 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,720 All right? Yes, erm... 320 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,280 Yes, it was hard to settle down in England. 321 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:08,920 First of all, we were welcome, and then we became a problem. 322 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,560 Erm... and then when we tried to set up the shop, 323 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:14,680 lots of people were jealous. 324 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:18,320 Erm... [stutters] But we had a lot of help from the community. 325 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,440 -Did we? -Of course we did! 326 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:21,920 Well, they didn't give us any money! 327 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,440 -Well, money isn't everything! -But, I... 328 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:27,840 [whispers] Cut! 329 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,440 -Action! -My greatest fear? 330 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,280 [Leroy] No, no, no, that way! 331 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:38,240 -Bees. I hate bees! -That's a phobia! 332 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,280 What's the difference? I'm still frightened of them. 333 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,080 -Can I change this cardigan? -No! 334 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,760 My greatest fear is that I wouldn't make it 335 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,840 before I build my house back home in Guyana. 336 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,840 It's very important to me. I vowed I would. 337 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:58,000 I know some members of my family don't share my dream. 338 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:02,400 But I will do it. I will do it. 339 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,040 You sure I can't change this cardigan? 340 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,680 No! 341 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,720 My biggest fear is dying before Desmond. 342 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:15,680 He's so hopeless, he wouldn't be able to cope. 343 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,720 Well, I managed before when you went away. 344 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:22,160 Yeah, but you only had to manage until I came back. Eh? 345 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:23,880 And even then I had to prepare things for you. 346 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,480 If I die, I'm not coming back. 347 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,320 Hmm, that's true! 348 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,080 Well, you'll just have to stock up the freezer before you go. 349 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,720 -[Leroy] Action! -[Porkpie] When are you going to film me? 350 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,280 Downstairs, Porkpie. We're coming in a minute! 351 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:40,160 Sorry. So you're coming in a minute? Which minute? 352 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,520 [all] Downstairs, Porkpie! 353 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:45,320 -[exclaiming] Ah! -Gloria's interview. 354 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:51,920 Take 27. And... action. 355 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,960 -[bursts out laughing] -Cut! 356 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,680 [Leroy] Take 49. And... action! 357 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:01,640 Well, it would've been nice to have a sister, 358 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,760 you know, someone you can share things with. 359 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,359 I mean, Mum's okay, but she's me mum. 360 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,319 And I can't talk to her about boyfriends and sex, 361 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,720 and peer pressure, and all of them sort of things. 362 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,839 And I can't borrow her clothes or her makeup. 363 00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:15,800 And I think living in a house that's predominantly male 364 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,160 has taught me one thing... 365 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,200 you gotta shout to be heard. 366 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,040 But I like it. Is that alright? 367 00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:23,760 I have to say "cut"! 368 00:17:23,839 --> 00:17:25,480 I thought I'd take you down here, you know, 369 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:26,960 to show you where I'm really coming from. 370 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,400 This is the streets, man 371 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:29,760 Enough running, you know what I'm saying? 372 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,880 No, no, over here, over here, come on! 373 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,960 [Leroy] Ah! Cut, cut. 374 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:42,840 [funky music playing] 375 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,680 This is it, man. This is where it's at– We call it The Bunker. 376 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,640 We come down here because we can't hang out on the streets. 377 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,040 You know what I mean, no places to go. 378 00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:58,480 So we're forced underground. 379 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,080 It's amazing how popular you become when a TV crew is around. 380 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:06,200 Hey, there's Collette, man. 381 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:10,920 No, this is Collette. 382 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:14,440 I've been asking her out for ages, man. She always turns me down. 383 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:15,720 Not now though, check it. 384 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,600 What do you say, Collette, pictures tonight, seven o'clock? 385 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,240 No. Sean, I can't! 386 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:22,440 -[all laugh] -Shame! 387 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,360 Cut, man! Collette, what do you mean you can't? 388 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:26,880 So what? 389 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,880 Just... something to give 'em. What's the matter with you? 390 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,560 I can tomorrow night. 391 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:34,520 Oh, safe, then, safe! Smile, smile! 392 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,440 When I became a partner in this business three years ago, 393 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:50,920 and at the time of joining, one thought that it needed to be more profitable. 394 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,360 So one set about a plan that would take us into the '90s. 395 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,600 -Indeed-- -Where does "One" come into this? 396 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:58,120 I'm the one who runs the business! 397 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,680 -We run the business, Father. -[Leroy] Do you often argue? 398 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:01,760 -No. -Yes. 399 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:03,360 [knock at door] 400 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,080 Downstairs, Porkpie! 401 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:08,440 [Porkpie] Hurry up, man. Me tired and it's getting late! 402 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:13,480 Well, all families have arguments. I like to argue with my son. 403 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,720 Yes. We're all right, really. Aren't we, Father? 404 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,400 You see, I need to get on with him just in case he writes me out of his will. 405 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,200 [chuckles] 406 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:22,760 I never thought of that! 407 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,320 [chuckles nervously] Only joking! 408 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,120 -You don't mean it, do you, Father? -[chuckles] 409 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,840 -I know that smile... Cut! Cut! -[laughs] 410 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,000 This is the last shot before we go downstairs, right. 411 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,840 All I want you to do is look into the camera and smile, okay? 412 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,360 Comfortable? Right. Action! 413 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,040 Quick, Leroy, mate. Here, cameraman, I've got a shot for ya. 414 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:51,320 See this, come. 415 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,560 Yes, my name's Lee, right, you've covered the Peckham Prince. 416 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,160 Oh, yeah, before I forget. I've got those Pavarotti tickets for you. 417 00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,800 -[Leroy] Not now, you fool! -Oh, okay. 418 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,240 [shushing] 419 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:07,280 Yes... Yes, Desreen. 420 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:10,520 I like that. 421 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,320 No, not there. 422 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,880 Yes, just there. 423 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,240 [grunts and snores] 424 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:25,840 [whispers] I think he's having an affair with a vegetable. 425 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,240 I'll tell you what, Des, me ol' son, 426 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,440 this programme's done wonders for my image. 427 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,520 I've got people stalking me in the streets 428 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,840 and ask me if I've got anymore Pavarotti tickets. 429 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:45,560 Well, I must confess, I have become a minor celebrity at college. 430 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:49,360 Well, I can't say I didn't realise how popular the programme was going to be. 431 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,080 Oh, Desmond, don't act so surprised! 432 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,880 You were actually willing it to be popular. 433 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,360 I mean, you even had dreams about it! 434 00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:01,160 Yeah! What did that dictionary say about Porkpie's dream? 435 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,760 All right, all right, you don't have to rub it in! 436 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:08,520 I didn't know that smart ape Leroy would keep that piece about me dreaming. 437 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,920 I'm getting some funny phone calls. 438 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,480 Are you really, Porkpie? 439 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,280 Perhaps it's from a carrot or a parsnip. 440 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,720 -[Desmond] Hey. -Mum, Dad, this is Collette. 441 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,160 Er, you remember her, don't you? 442 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,320 -Yes! -Hello, Collette. 443 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,120 Hi, Mrs Ambrose. 444 00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:31,120 Yeah. We're going upstairs to do some... homework. 445 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,440 And then we're off to the pictures. 446 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,120 -Ah! -[Sean clears throat] 447 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,600 I want everyone to meet my sisters. 448 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:42,920 We're starting a sisterhood network for all the single girls in a family, 449 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,720 and we're calling it ASSOF. 450 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,240 -Er... -A Single Sister Of Family. 451 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,080 Whoo! Well, hello, sisters! 452 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,280 Listen, my name's Lee, you can call me the Peckham Prince. 453 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:56,240 -Listen, maybe we should call him Buzzoff. -No, no! 454 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:02,800 -[Desmond] Leroy Smart! -Pleased to meet you, sir. 455 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,920 I've just come to give the whole family a special thanks for the programme. 456 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,280 It was very well-received. 457 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:10,160 -I want a word with you! -And I want a word with you. 458 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,880 You see, as a result of the programme, I have been promoted. 459 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,760 And we've had so many calls about Porkpie's dream, 460 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,880 that my first programme will be on dreams. 461 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:23,200 Does that sound sexy to you? Here's my card. 462 00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:27,120 Call me. We'll do lunch, okay? Ciao! 463 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:28,360 Ciao! 464 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:31,840 Ciao! 465 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,880 -Michael, what's wrong? -Nothing. 466 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:41,200 You look miserable. Why is it? 467 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,920 Tell me what makes you so miserable, so I can learn a few tips. 468 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,440 Mr Phillips called me into his office today to talk about a promotion. 469 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,560 -You know, I was on a shortlist of ten. -Yes... 470 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:54,960 Now I'm number 12. 471 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:57,760 He really enjoyed the programme, 472 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:01,160 but he said he couldn't have an employee in such a senior position... 473 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,120 with a hairstyle that was likely to cause offence. 474 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:08,160 So he told me to come here and get it cut. 475 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:11,240 [laughing] 476 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:12,760 Step this way! 477 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:16,000 {\an8}[theme music playing]