1 00:00:12,607 --> 00:00:17,681 This is the skyline of beautiful downtown Nome - the first city on our journey. 2 00:00:17,847 --> 00:00:19,838 Nome, Alaska. 3 00:00:21,327 --> 00:00:24,080 A place of bars, booze... 4 00:00:25,167 --> 00:00:29,046 ...and Eskimo trinkets at the Arctic stores. 5 00:00:37,487 --> 00:00:40,957 "Mummy, why are these two stuck together?" 6 00:00:54,327 --> 00:00:59,481 I'm going along the coast from Nome to see a very sad sight - 7 00:00:59,647 --> 00:01:02,115 an abandoned gold-rush railway, 8 00:01:02,287 --> 00:01:08,044 known and billed as a tourist attraction called "The Last Train to Nowhere". 9 00:01:08,207 --> 00:01:10,675 This is nowhere. 10 00:01:16,847 --> 00:01:19,725 That's a bit more of nowhere. 11 00:01:22,327 --> 00:01:24,318 Cue, Michael. 12 00:01:26,607 --> 00:01:31,476 And here, abandoned in the Arctic tundra, is the train. 13 00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:38,521 Take a picture of it. You never know... Virgin may want to buy it. 14 00:01:51,327 --> 00:01:57,880 Sad, really. These were actually built for the New York Elevated Railway in 1882. 15 00:01:58,047 --> 00:02:03,917 They were going to run through New York, and they end up in Alaska, rotting, never used. 16 00:02:04,087 --> 00:02:08,126 Actually, they're rotting quite slowly. Hello? 17 00:02:08,287 --> 00:02:11,757 Excuse me? We've brought the railway line. 18 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:17,235 Sorry we're late. 19 00:02:30,007 --> 00:02:33,238 Here, on the island of Kodiak, off the Alaskan coast, 20 00:02:33,407 --> 00:02:36,843 fishing is, as you can tell, the big industry. 21 00:02:40,687 --> 00:02:44,726 I try my hand, along with Filipino seasonal workers, 22 00:02:44,887 --> 00:02:48,197 at one of the factories that processes the fish. 23 00:02:48,367 --> 00:02:50,835 This is the "slime line". 24 00:03:00,327 --> 00:03:02,795 It's dangerous work. 25 00:03:09,327 --> 00:03:13,206 I feared I might never be able to pick my nose again. 26 00:03:14,847 --> 00:03:17,281 A nasty one there. 27 00:03:27,287 --> 00:03:30,324 A whole new meaning to fish fingers. 28 00:03:42,967 --> 00:03:45,435 Excuse me? Toilet? 29 00:04:03,247 --> 00:04:07,206 This is one of the most haunting and haunted places I've ever visited. 30 00:04:07,367 --> 00:04:11,519 It's Butugychag - a gulag that closed in 1953 31 00:04:11,687 --> 00:04:14,485 in the Kolyma region of Siberia. 32 00:04:14,647 --> 00:04:20,438 I'm here with a survivor who was once imprisoned here, Ivan Ilych Yakovlev. 33 00:04:20,607 --> 00:04:24,441 As soon as we get there, he tosses sweets around 34 00:04:24,607 --> 00:04:28,202 as a memorial to all the deceased comrades. 35 00:04:32,247 --> 00:04:38,038 Is that one for all the people who died here? 36 00:04:39,047 --> 00:04:45,316 This is a prison within a prison. What would you have done to end up somewhere like this? 37 00:04:45,487 --> 00:04:49,526 (TRANSLAT0R) For the smallest transgression 38 00:04:49,687 --> 00:04:52,326 the authorities would put you in here. 39 00:04:52,487 --> 00:04:55,285 It didn't have to be a big thing at all. 40 00:05:01,687 --> 00:05:04,759 Did anybody try to escape? 41 00:05:04,927 --> 00:05:08,317 (INTERPRETER TRANSLATES) 42 00:05:16,807 --> 00:05:21,597 Several people tried to escape, but... 43 00:05:21,767 --> 00:05:26,636 he didn't hear if anybody succeed. 44 00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:33,916 Nature didn't allow to escape. 45 00:05:34,087 --> 00:05:40,276 I'd like to ask Ivan what daily life was like in a place like this. 46 00:05:40,447 --> 00:05:45,316 Could you ask him what time people started work and how long they worked for? 47 00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:56,720 (TRANSLAT0R) We used to get up at six in the morning. 48 00:05:58,527 --> 00:06:04,079 We had up to seven to wash, do our toilet, take our breakfast and go to work. 49 00:06:04,247 --> 00:06:07,239 We would assemble at the camp gates. 50 00:06:11,687 --> 00:06:16,078 We marched out in a column and worked for 10 to 12 hours. 51 00:06:30,647 --> 00:06:34,276 What's this supposed to do to your body? 52 00:06:34,447 --> 00:06:38,281 Well, my body. Does this improve your health? 53 00:06:39,327 --> 00:06:44,003 This is Igor Nosov - the late Igor Nosov, sadly - our guide in Russia. 54 00:06:44,167 --> 00:06:48,797 ...mosquitoes bringing rare diseases. How does it improve your health? 55 00:06:48,967 --> 00:06:56,078 And we're in hot springs in the open air not far from Petropavlovsk in Siberia. 56 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:02,681 This was one of the best picnics I've ever had. 57 00:07:02,847 --> 00:07:05,998 Everything seemed to be flavoured with vodka. 58 00:07:06,167 --> 00:07:10,160 Not that that was why I enjoyed it. Just look at that salmon. 59 00:07:10,327 --> 00:07:12,795 Not that. That's a man. 60 00:07:24,127 --> 00:07:28,405 (RUSSIAN SINGING ON TAPE) 61 00:07:28,567 --> 00:07:31,877 A glimpse of hotel life near Petropavlovsk, 62 00:07:32,047 --> 00:07:37,997 where I'm practising the song I'm going to sing with the Russian Pacific Fleet. 63 00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:08,599 This is a ryokan - a traditional Japanese inn - on Sado island. 64 00:08:08,767 --> 00:08:13,079 This is Mamasan, who makes sure that everything is right. Very Japanese. 65 00:08:13,247 --> 00:08:16,239 I've got it all wrong. What is she going to do? 66 00:08:21,247 --> 00:08:23,841 Dressing on the wrong side again. 67 00:08:25,007 --> 00:08:29,046 Yes, I see. Oh, right. On the hips. On the hips, yes. 68 00:08:29,207 --> 00:08:31,437 Don't usually wear my belt there. 69 00:08:31,607 --> 00:08:33,643 I see. Aah! 70 00:08:33,807 --> 00:08:38,198 Yes. Oh. Instant fat loss. 71 00:08:40,407 --> 00:08:45,765 Little does she know I'm going to the bathroom to take all this off again. 72 00:08:45,927 --> 00:08:48,202 Good. In a little bow. 73 00:08:48,367 --> 00:08:50,358 (DOOR OPENS) 74 00:08:52,927 --> 00:08:55,236 OK. Lovely. 75 00:08:55,407 --> 00:08:58,160 Thank you. It's in here. I see. 76 00:08:58,327 --> 00:09:01,922 Yup. Lovely. Thank you. Thanks very much. 77 00:09:02,087 --> 00:09:07,366 The bathroom contains one of the most modern, extraordinary, up-to-date 78 00:09:07,527 --> 00:09:11,122 and multifaceted toilets I've ever, ever sat on. 79 00:09:17,327 --> 00:09:20,239 It has many, many settings - 80 00:09:20,407 --> 00:09:23,399 most of them in Japanese. 81 00:09:25,487 --> 00:09:27,478 0h, well... 82 00:09:28,607 --> 00:09:30,916 Might as well have a try. 83 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:37,958 Better have a dry run of this, see how it all works. 84 00:09:38,127 --> 00:09:42,837 A bit of high technology. Lots of fittings there. Let me see. 85 00:09:44,367 --> 00:09:48,326 I can't see even what flush is. It's all in Japanese... Oh! 86 00:09:48,487 --> 00:09:52,036 As soon as you sit on it, the seat is warm. 87 00:09:52,207 --> 00:09:56,598 There's something here which says "shower". I don't want to press shower. 88 00:09:56,767 --> 00:10:01,079 - (WATER FLOWS) - Ah! Ooh! Oh, dear. 89 00:10:01,247 --> 00:10:06,480 That should come out from where it says "bidet". Let's press "bidet". 90 00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:10,037 That's gone a bit quiet. Nothing's happened. 91 00:10:10,207 --> 00:10:15,918 It's got "shower - one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!" 92 00:10:17,207 --> 00:10:21,564 Ten goes. So let us stop. So I'll try "shower ten". 93 00:10:21,727 --> 00:10:24,036 Wait. There's a pause. 94 00:10:30,887 --> 00:10:34,846 Part of the hospitality in the ryokan is a most superb meal. 95 00:10:35,007 --> 00:10:40,001 This was at the end of a long day's filming, which started at five - 96 00:10:40,167 --> 00:10:43,000 filming the Kodo drummers exercising. 97 00:10:43,167 --> 00:10:46,716 It was nearly nine o'clock when this was being prepared 98 00:10:46,887 --> 00:10:50,926 and I could see the crew standing there slavering with hunger. 99 00:10:51,087 --> 00:10:57,083 Oh, I'm still on this lot. Please, it's all going too fast for me, Mamasan. 100 00:10:57,247 --> 00:10:59,238 Mamasan was relentless. 101 00:10:59,407 --> 00:11:03,161 A small snack consisting merely of seafood with garlic, 102 00:11:03,327 --> 00:11:06,080 bream, tuna and squid sashimi, 103 00:11:06,247 --> 00:11:08,807 seaweed, cooked vegetables with bean curd, 104 00:11:08,967 --> 00:11:11,356 abalone steak in soy sauce, 105 00:11:11,527 --> 00:11:15,361 fried sea bream served whole with head and tail curved upwards, 106 00:11:15,527 --> 00:11:21,796 teriyaki of tuna stomach, rice pickles, bean paste and four kinds of sake. 107 00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:24,242 ...contrasted one with another. 108 00:11:24,407 --> 00:11:30,118 Yes, I've finished that. That is absolutely five-star. Really good. 109 00:11:31,687 --> 00:11:35,680 I shall look in my book and see what I should say. 110 00:11:35,847 --> 00:11:37,838 (SPEAKS JAPANESE) 111 00:11:40,327 --> 00:11:44,240 - It's "I have a motorbike." - This bone. Careful. 112 00:11:44,407 --> 00:11:49,720 The bone. Careful in the throat? Yes. There's a lot here. 113 00:11:49,887 --> 00:11:52,196 Still they come. 114 00:11:57,687 --> 00:12:00,155 Think you're allowed rice? 115 00:12:00,327 --> 00:12:03,717 No sooner said than done. Beautiful timing. 116 00:12:03,887 --> 00:12:07,482 I was just wondering where the rice had gone. 117 00:12:07,647 --> 00:12:11,640 I'll eat that in January. I'll have that one in February. 118 00:12:13,647 --> 00:12:17,003 - Thank you. - Miso soup. 119 00:12:17,167 --> 00:12:19,840 0h, miso soup. I forgot that. 120 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:24,478 I do recommend Mamasan to anyone who goes to Sado Island. 121 00:12:24,647 --> 00:12:27,036 Absolutely superb. 122 00:12:27,207 --> 00:12:31,246 But I warn you, the walls of the ryokan are wafer thin. 123 00:12:31,407 --> 00:12:34,524 - Rice. - Right. Lovely. 124 00:12:37,287 --> 00:12:39,437 Is that all? 125 00:12:45,327 --> 00:12:48,956 In England, we just stick everything on one plate. 126 00:12:49,127 --> 00:12:53,120 Veg there, meat there, gravy there. That's it. 127 00:12:54,687 --> 00:12:57,963 Still, made us great, you know. Thank you. 128 00:12:58,127 --> 00:13:00,118 Thanks very much. 129 00:13:01,207 --> 00:13:03,482 For a bit, anyway. 130 00:13:03,647 --> 00:13:06,002 Get on with it, Mr Creosote. 131 00:13:15,287 --> 00:13:21,203 This rather medical shot shows me at work in the typical Japanese bath. 132 00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:27,044 The system here is that you wash yourself thoroughly before getting into the water. 133 00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:29,641 It's called an o-furo. 134 00:13:29,807 --> 00:13:33,117 The water is very, very hot and very, very clear 135 00:13:33,287 --> 00:13:36,120 and you mustn't get any soap or dirt in it, 136 00:13:36,287 --> 00:13:41,236 so you have your bath and then get into the bath... 0h, I sayl 137 00:13:41,407 --> 00:13:48,518 Nigel was very insistent that I kept my arms over certain BBC1 places. 138 00:13:48,687 --> 00:13:53,556 Can't show those on BBC1. Can show bits on BBC2 and everything on Channel 4. 139 00:13:59,807 --> 00:14:01,798 You were like the Beatles... 140 00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:05,846 From Sado Island on the west coast of Japan to Tokyo. 141 00:14:06,007 --> 00:14:08,521 And here is my guide, Mayumi Nobetsu, 142 00:14:08,687 --> 00:14:13,238 who, believe it or not, is my number one Japanese fan. 143 00:14:13,407 --> 00:14:17,366 You were my hero and then now here you are. 144 00:14:17,527 --> 00:14:19,995 I need all the help I can get. 145 00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:24,160 Fans always follow pop groups, but comedy's very different. 146 00:14:24,327 --> 00:14:27,922 You don't get fans following comedians 147 00:14:28,087 --> 00:14:31,159 because we're against the powerful and the worshipped. 148 00:14:31,327 --> 00:14:34,797 We tend to take the underdog view. Anyway... 149 00:14:34,967 --> 00:14:40,678 I worshipped you anyway. I put your pictures on the wall and "Michael!" like this. 150 00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:44,203 - What pictures? - Your pictures you sent me. 151 00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:46,437 - Did I send you pictures? - Sure. 152 00:14:46,607 --> 00:14:49,485 And I stole the posters from the movie theatres. 153 00:14:49,647 --> 00:14:53,606 It was you who spoiled our chances of being movie stars in Japan! 154 00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:58,887 Why didn't our films work in Japan? "A Fish Called Wanda" didn't even do well. 155 00:14:59,047 --> 00:15:02,642 Well, they have a different sense of humour in Japan. 156 00:15:02,807 --> 00:15:06,561 They don't really appreciate a satirical sense of humour. 157 00:15:06,727 --> 00:15:10,276 They don't send themselves up? We weren't... 158 00:15:10,447 --> 00:15:16,920 That's what Python was doing, I suppose. We could laugh at what we saw around us. 159 00:15:17,087 --> 00:15:20,966 But the Japanese must do that occasionally, mustn't they? 160 00:15:21,127 --> 00:15:27,202 Finally, it's starting to be appreciated, but not at the time when I was 13. 161 00:15:33,527 --> 00:15:36,963 (CHANTING AND BELLS) 162 00:15:39,327 --> 00:15:46,517 You may wonder what I'm doing in the back of a shop in Nagasaki at 5.35 in the morning. 163 00:15:46,687 --> 00:15:48,518 I certainly am. 164 00:15:48,687 --> 00:15:52,202 But the Japanese, with their usual generous hospitality, 165 00:15:52,367 --> 00:15:57,521 have offered me a place to take part in this big festival they have here. 166 00:15:57,687 --> 00:16:01,600 It is the big festival of the year called Okunchi. 167 00:16:03,367 --> 00:16:07,042 Enormous floats are taken through the streets and whizzed around. 168 00:16:07,207 --> 00:16:14,045 It's a bit like asking a Japanese to appear in the Royal Tournament the day he arrives. 169 00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:18,246 They've been practising for a long time to get this right. 170 00:16:18,407 --> 00:16:21,080 So I don't quite know what I'm going to do in it. 171 00:16:21,247 --> 00:16:25,957 I'm assured it will be a low-level job, carrying a flag. 172 00:16:26,127 --> 00:16:28,118 - It's mine. - It's yours? 173 00:16:28,287 --> 00:16:32,075 - Eight years ago. - Eight years ago. 174 00:16:32,247 --> 00:16:36,286 You were a lithe, slim... It's very kind of you. 175 00:16:36,447 --> 00:16:38,244 This is Mr... 176 00:16:38,407 --> 00:16:43,322 This is Mr Takashi, who's going to be my companion for the day. 177 00:16:43,487 --> 00:16:47,924 You're going to help me in the procession and tell me what to do. 178 00:16:48,087 --> 00:16:53,684 Thank you. You have a bit of a smile on your face. I'm not sure I altogether trust you. 179 00:16:56,007 --> 00:16:58,999 0h, dear. My two toes revealed. 180 00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:04,400 Let's put the other one on and then we can do the doing-up, which will take a while. 181 00:17:04,567 --> 00:17:07,365 I think they fit all right. 182 00:17:08,567 --> 00:17:13,687 The great thing in Japan - everything has to be just so and absolutely right. 183 00:17:13,847 --> 00:17:17,806 You can't just get away with a pair of old Timberlands. 184 00:17:22,447 --> 00:17:25,166 Here is the 0kunchiparade. 185 00:17:25,327 --> 00:17:31,562 Mr Takashi and myself are part of the Treasure House float. 186 00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,158 We're almost at the shrine. 187 00:18:07,327 --> 00:18:10,637 And now there's a bit of a hold-up 188 00:18:10,807 --> 00:18:15,881 because each float has to go into the ring and do its half-hour entertainment, 189 00:18:16,047 --> 00:18:19,084 and we're on at about 8.30, I'm told. 190 00:18:20,287 --> 00:18:23,279 The tension mounts behind stage. 191 00:18:24,327 --> 00:18:28,718 I'm not sure about tension, but something's surely mounting. 192 00:18:49,607 --> 00:18:53,077 I hope you notice I'm a tall person in Japan. 193 00:19:12,647 --> 00:19:16,686 That's all right. Don't worry, lads. I'll take over now. 194 00:19:26,607 --> 00:19:29,644 "It's A Knockout" had nothing on this. 195 00:19:38,287 --> 00:19:41,518 See what you miss if you don't have DVD. 196 00:19:49,127 --> 00:19:52,119 (APPLAUSE) 197 00:19:56,887 --> 00:20:02,359 Not quite sure why they had to take it downstairs. 0bviously no lift. 198 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:26,119 Another glimpse of hotel life. Checking in at a magnificent hotel in Chongqing, 199 00:20:26,287 --> 00:20:29,040 one of China's largest cities. 200 00:20:29,207 --> 00:20:35,043 A real example here of the building boom that gripped China at the time. 201 00:20:38,407 --> 00:20:43,083 Unfortunately, the boom didn't extend as far as my room. 202 00:20:56,727 --> 00:21:00,356 This is a train journey that I'd love to have included. 203 00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:03,485 0ne of the most picturesque parts of China. 204 00:21:03,647 --> 00:21:07,560 It's the ride from Guiyang to Nanning - 24 hours on the train - 205 00:21:07,727 --> 00:21:11,242 towards the border with Vietnam. 206 00:21:12,247 --> 00:21:15,478 Lady engine driver, I hope you notice. 207 00:21:18,247 --> 00:21:22,240 Evidence of the Chinese "economic miracle" everywhere. 208 00:21:25,247 --> 00:21:30,241 And, of course, the best thing that doesn't change in China is food. 209 00:21:30,407 --> 00:21:33,524 Look. This is a Chinese Wanshi. 210 00:21:34,927 --> 00:21:38,886 - Cooking is different in different regions? - Oh, yes. 211 00:21:39,047 --> 00:21:41,038 - Gan bei. - Gan bei. 212 00:21:41,207 --> 00:21:43,641 Gan bei means cheers. 213 00:21:46,367 --> 00:21:51,487 What's the Chinese concept or idea of Western food? 214 00:21:51,647 --> 00:21:58,246 In fact, they've really never tasted real Western food, 215 00:21:58,407 --> 00:22:01,444 so they don't know what Western food is. 216 00:22:03,847 --> 00:22:09,444 According to my knowledge, they don't like foreign food at all. 217 00:22:09,607 --> 00:22:13,680 - Why not? - Because it's so simple. 218 00:22:13,847 --> 00:22:17,886 One main course, that's it. And one soup. 219 00:22:21,607 --> 00:22:25,282 (MICHAEL'S COMPANION) In China, the food is very important. 220 00:22:25,447 --> 00:22:29,759 - Especially for peasants. - Yeah. 221 00:22:29,927 --> 00:22:34,682 If they can eat well, it means they have a really good life. 222 00:22:34,847 --> 00:22:38,078 I think that's their thinking. 223 00:22:38,247 --> 00:22:43,765 (MICHAEL) I know some people in the West are rather appalled by what the Chinese eat, 224 00:22:43,927 --> 00:22:46,077 that they'll cook anything. 225 00:22:46,247 --> 00:22:48,238 - Is that true? - Yeah. 226 00:22:48,407 --> 00:22:52,605 - Like what? - Like dogs, cats... 227 00:22:52,767 --> 00:22:58,125 And snacks. Is that snakes or snacks? Snakes. 228 00:22:58,287 --> 00:23:01,245 Snakes. You could have a snake snack. 229 00:23:01,407 --> 00:23:03,637 And, oh. 230 00:23:05,007 --> 00:23:08,841 And the big mountain rats. 231 00:23:09,007 --> 00:23:12,556 - Rats? Really? - I never taste that. 232 00:23:12,727 --> 00:23:15,400 People told me they're very tasty. 233 00:23:17,167 --> 00:23:22,161 I do promise you no snakes were eaten in the making of this film. 234 00:23:31,167 --> 00:23:34,523 Here I am on the shores of the Yangtze River. 235 00:23:34,687 --> 00:23:38,157 Just about to do a walking shot and someone chats me up. 236 00:23:38,327 --> 00:23:41,876 It's wonderful how chatty people are. 237 00:23:42,047 --> 00:23:43,844 Very tall. 238 00:23:45,367 --> 00:23:47,835 Yes. So little. 239 00:23:50,287 --> 00:23:56,317 It is comedy, you know. I've got to walk on the boat. See you later. Bye. 240 00:23:58,407 --> 00:24:04,562 The gorge you can see there is called the Little Gorges of the Danning River. 241 00:24:06,767 --> 00:24:10,077 These are some of the most beautiful parts of the Yangtze 242 00:24:10,247 --> 00:24:14,684 and all will be submerged beneath about 300-400 feet of water 243 00:24:14,847 --> 00:24:17,645 when the Yangtze dam fills up. 244 00:24:17,807 --> 00:24:19,923 Here I am with Victor, my guide. 245 00:24:20,087 --> 00:24:22,442 ...the Yangtze is very muddy. 246 00:24:22,607 --> 00:24:25,997 Because the tiny river is very clean 247 00:24:26,167 --> 00:24:33,801 because it originates from underground water - spring water. 248 00:24:33,967 --> 00:24:36,276 So it's very clear. 249 00:24:36,447 --> 00:24:41,441 Also, it's quite dangerous. Are there rapids up here? 250 00:24:41,607 --> 00:24:44,804 Yeah. On the Danning River, there are many rapids. 251 00:24:49,487 --> 00:24:52,001 Victor had a wonderful way of speaking English. 252 00:24:52,167 --> 00:24:58,845 0ne time I pointed out a dog on the side of the river. He said, "Good. Good imagination." 253 00:24:59,007 --> 00:25:03,558 Feast on these pictures because it probably doesn't look like that now. 254 00:25:03,727 --> 00:25:08,755 We were there in '96. The dam's already begun filling up. 255 00:25:37,767 --> 00:25:43,125 Chinese tourists getting one last glimpse of one of their prettiest gorges. 256 00:25:50,087 --> 00:25:56,003 Victor points out something that shows people have lived here for many hundreds of years - 257 00:25:56,167 --> 00:26:00,046 a wooden coffin up on the cliff face. 258 00:26:00,207 --> 00:26:02,198 (VICTOR)... and put into that cave. 259 00:26:02,367 --> 00:26:08,442 In the small yellow cliff, there are two holes, and the wooden coffin is in the big hole. 260 00:26:08,607 --> 00:26:11,838 I can see it inside. That's a wooden coffin. 261 00:26:12,007 --> 00:26:15,124 That's a wooden coffin. 262 00:26:15,287 --> 00:26:17,642 Have they found a body in there? 263 00:26:17,807 --> 00:26:22,358 A local farmer in the 1970s found it. 264 00:26:22,527 --> 00:26:27,806 In the 1970s. How old is the coffin? How many years will it have been there? 265 00:26:27,967 --> 00:26:33,087 - Two thousand years ago. - Two thousand years it's been up there. 266 00:26:46,847 --> 00:26:52,001 Having reached Vietnam from China, the first port of call is Hanoi, 267 00:26:52,167 --> 00:26:54,158 where we tried to film a cricket match. 268 00:26:54,327 --> 00:26:57,558 That was brought to an abrupt halt. 269 00:26:57,727 --> 00:27:03,438 And to complete our day, we went down to the boating lake. 270 00:27:04,767 --> 00:27:08,555 I took my turn on a dragon pedalo. 271 00:27:12,607 --> 00:27:15,075 Nothing to it, really. 272 00:27:21,287 --> 00:27:22,766 Hello! 273 00:27:22,927 --> 00:27:25,919 What ship are you? 274 00:27:26,087 --> 00:27:30,922 Ah, number three. I'm 34. Watch out. 275 00:27:38,767 --> 00:27:42,646 You want money? I've spent my money on the boat. I have no money. 276 00:27:42,807 --> 00:27:45,924 Oh! Aah! 277 00:27:49,367 --> 00:27:53,076 "Who is that lunatic?" they're saying. 278 00:27:53,247 --> 00:27:57,320 "We like the cameraman. He's much more handsome." 279 00:28:00,207 --> 00:28:02,198 0h, he's still at it. 280 00:28:02,367 --> 00:28:07,487 Which way to the sea? We are a seafaring nation, you know. 281 00:28:07,647 --> 00:28:10,605 Goodbye! Goodbye! 282 00:28:20,647 --> 00:28:23,764 - Is that made in Vietnam? - No. 283 00:28:23,927 --> 00:28:29,524 I don't speak the local languages, so I just speak English rather clearly to them. 284 00:28:29,687 --> 00:28:33,600 Actually, it works here. That's my little black notebook. 285 00:28:33,767 --> 00:28:37,999 They're very interested in trying to speak English. 286 00:28:39,807 --> 00:28:43,197 When you think we were fighting against them in the 1960s, 287 00:28:43,367 --> 00:28:46,404 they're remarkably forgiving and uncomplicated 288 00:28:46,567 --> 00:28:50,116 about their eagerness to enjoy a lunatic Englishman. 289 00:28:50,287 --> 00:28:54,246 I don't do pictures. I'll do words. I'll describe you. 290 00:28:54,407 --> 00:28:56,204 "Small..." 291 00:28:57,447 --> 00:29:01,201 Yes. "Can't sit on saddle." 292 00:29:06,607 --> 00:29:10,680 Colour of shirt? You know what those are in English? 293 00:29:10,847 --> 00:29:13,998 Ships. It's like a ship. 294 00:29:14,167 --> 00:29:19,525 So I've told you what that word is now. What is that? 295 00:29:20,527 --> 00:29:24,315 - What's that word? Ships. - Ships. 296 00:29:27,527 --> 00:29:30,963 You've got to be careful to get the P right at the end. 297 00:29:33,527 --> 00:29:37,076 Yeah. Very smart shoes. Good shoes. 298 00:29:37,247 --> 00:29:41,559 Beautiful shoes, aren't they? Let's see your shoes. 299 00:29:44,367 --> 00:29:49,157 - Football? - Play football? Yeah. Yes, I play football. 300 00:29:49,327 --> 00:29:51,318 Very good. 301 00:29:54,847 --> 00:29:57,156 Very good. 302 00:29:57,327 --> 00:30:00,637 You play football? You play football? 303 00:30:00,807 --> 00:30:03,196 - Yes. - Good. 304 00:30:03,367 --> 00:30:06,757 - Vietnam have a football team? - Yes. 305 00:30:06,927 --> 00:30:08,724 - Is it good? - Yes. 306 00:30:16,807 --> 00:30:19,162 This is Zamboanga in the Philippines. 307 00:30:19,327 --> 00:30:24,162 In the main series, we included coverage of a cock fight, 308 00:30:24,327 --> 00:30:27,364 but we didn't see my visit here to the cock farm, 309 00:30:27,527 --> 00:30:30,599 run by one of the great owners - Boy Primalion. 310 00:30:30,767 --> 00:30:35,363 He put me up on this extraordinary farm for the night. 311 00:30:35,527 --> 00:30:38,325 Wasn't the most comfortable I ever spent. 312 00:30:38,487 --> 00:30:43,163 Thanks very much. One last thing, can you give me an early-morning call? 313 00:30:43,327 --> 00:30:45,602 Yes, I'll do that. 314 00:30:47,927 --> 00:30:51,920 (CACOPHONY OF CROWING) 315 00:31:11,527 --> 00:31:15,156 I've never been woken by so many... since I was in the army. 316 00:31:21,527 --> 00:31:23,518 Oh, shut up! 317 00:31:39,887 --> 00:31:42,606 Darwin, Australia. 318 00:31:42,767 --> 00:31:48,319 I just had to leave the hotel I was in. Don't know why. It just didn't feel right. 319 00:31:50,287 --> 00:31:53,279 Think it could be the owner. 320 00:32:08,487 --> 00:32:11,763 So you'll drop me off in Katherine? It's on your way? 321 00:32:11,927 --> 00:32:15,158 - Yep. No worries. - I appreciate that. 322 00:32:15,327 --> 00:32:20,082 - Take me to New Zealand if you like! - Bit hard to get across there. 323 00:32:20,247 --> 00:32:24,957 Here, I'm trying to get a ride from Darwin to the town of Katherine. 324 00:32:25,127 --> 00:32:29,598 I board what's called a road train. Scott was the driver. 325 00:32:29,767 --> 00:32:34,636 Lazy Lady was the truck - a lazy but very large lady. 326 00:32:38,007 --> 00:32:40,919 Can you remember the first time you took one out? 327 00:32:41,087 --> 00:32:46,081 There's 50 metres of trailer behind you. It must have been utterly alarming. 328 00:32:46,247 --> 00:32:48,238 You drive it like you drive a car. 329 00:32:48,407 --> 00:32:53,879 You can't go jerking on the wheel or you'll take it all out of shape. 330 00:32:54,047 --> 00:32:58,359 You've got to remember you've got 50 metres of trucks behind you. 331 00:32:58,527 --> 00:33:02,406 At one point, I asked Scott whether he ever hit kangaroos. 332 00:33:02,567 --> 00:33:07,561 "Yes, " he said. "You have to hit them straight on or they damage your bumper." 333 00:33:07,727 --> 00:33:12,437 - You get used to it after a while. - Is it complicated, the gear system? 334 00:33:12,607 --> 00:33:17,920 - Yes and no. This is an 18 speed. - 18? 335 00:33:18,087 --> 00:33:22,638 What temperament do you need to be an ideal road-train driver? 336 00:33:22,807 --> 00:33:29,201 Right. Some people say you've got to be mad to do it because you're never home. 337 00:33:29,367 --> 00:33:31,927 - Never home? - Not much. 338 00:33:32,087 --> 00:33:36,319 You do a lot of hours and a lot of work up and down the road. 339 00:33:36,487 --> 00:33:40,878 It all depends what you call home. There's my home in the back. 340 00:33:41,047 --> 00:33:44,437 - That's your home in there? - Yeah. 341 00:33:46,287 --> 00:33:48,357 - Are you married? - Not yet. 342 00:33:48,527 --> 00:33:53,920 I've been going out with Kate for a fair while now. About seven years. 343 00:34:03,367 --> 00:34:05,278 - Hi. - Like to buy a ticket? 344 00:34:05,447 --> 00:34:08,405 Here I am about to put my money on a cow pat. 345 00:34:08,567 --> 00:34:12,242 This is the Compass Cup County Show, south of Adelaide. 346 00:34:12,407 --> 00:34:17,606 I'm putting all my money, betting on where the cow will drop its load. 347 00:34:17,767 --> 00:34:20,600 So it's two dollars? OK. 348 00:34:20,767 --> 00:34:24,077 Ten dollars' worth. It shouldn't break me. 349 00:34:24,247 --> 00:34:29,002 Covered my options there. So I had five squares. 350 00:34:29,167 --> 00:34:33,638 What condition is the cow in? It's not constipated or anything? 351 00:34:33,807 --> 00:34:36,446 - We hope not. - We just removed the cork. 352 00:34:36,607 --> 00:34:39,724 OK. Thanks. 353 00:34:41,047 --> 00:34:43,038 The tension mounts. 354 00:34:43,207 --> 00:34:46,119 (COMMENTARY OVER TANNOY) 355 00:34:56,527 --> 00:35:00,884 Ah, action. But nothing on my squares. 356 00:35:01,047 --> 00:35:04,562 (ANNOUNCER) What a mess. Dearie me. 357 00:35:04,727 --> 00:35:09,198 With one thing and another, it's a cow of a day and that's no bull. 358 00:35:22,367 --> 00:35:27,760 Everyone thinks of New Zealand as a land of sheep and hobbits. True or false? 359 00:35:27,927 --> 00:35:32,159 The thing they say about New Zealand is that it's full of sheep. 360 00:35:32,327 --> 00:35:35,080 It's one of those silly myths. 361 00:35:35,247 --> 00:35:38,922 There are sheep, you can see here, just on the edge of Auckland. 362 00:35:39,087 --> 00:35:42,762 There's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... 363 00:35:42,927 --> 00:35:48,206 There are sheep here, but there are other things in New Zealand. There are... 364 00:35:48,367 --> 00:35:51,996 museums, art galleries, glaciers. 365 00:35:53,047 --> 00:35:57,677 All sorts of things nothing to do with sheep and that's what I'll show you. 366 00:35:57,847 --> 00:36:02,363 But I thought right at the beginning, these are the sheep. 367 00:36:02,527 --> 00:36:07,123 Have a good laugh and that's the last we'll see of sheep. 368 00:36:12,167 --> 00:36:16,718 There we are. New Zealand's only sheep-free zone. 369 00:36:18,967 --> 00:36:23,518 Cowl Cowl Cowl Duckl Fishl 370 00:36:37,247 --> 00:36:39,681 There are some things I love to do, 371 00:36:39,847 --> 00:36:44,967 and some things I have to do because the director thinks it'll be good for my career. 372 00:36:45,127 --> 00:36:47,561 This is one of the latter. 373 00:36:47,727 --> 00:36:51,515 Appearing in a Polynesian fashion show. 374 00:36:51,687 --> 00:36:56,556 "The Solomon Islands market is at your feet, Michael, " said Roger. 375 00:36:56,727 --> 00:36:59,195 After a few drinks, I believed him. 376 00:37:00,887 --> 00:37:03,355 Now there's no going back. 377 00:37:04,407 --> 00:37:07,763 - Here he is. - Oh, there we are. 378 00:37:07,927 --> 00:37:13,206 - We walk on holding these... - Basically, we're escorts for a bride. 379 00:37:13,367 --> 00:37:15,881 So we walk on before her 380 00:37:16,047 --> 00:37:19,756 and we stand either side of the stage facing each other. 381 00:37:19,927 --> 00:37:22,202 She's gonna walk down, we cross these, 382 00:37:22,367 --> 00:37:27,122 and when she comes down, we lift them up, they move through and we hold them up. 383 00:37:27,287 --> 00:37:29,801 - Is that it? - Basically, that's it. 384 00:37:29,967 --> 00:37:32,606 Yeah. It's not too much trouble. 385 00:37:32,767 --> 00:37:35,964 - Is there any special stance? - No, not really. 386 00:37:40,127 --> 00:37:42,687 Still, there were some birds around. 387 00:37:50,807 --> 00:37:53,560 (WOLF WHISTLE) 388 00:38:04,967 --> 00:38:08,357 (MICHAEL LAUGHS) 389 00:38:10,367 --> 00:38:13,200 Why did I ever leave Monty Python? 390 00:38:19,447 --> 00:38:21,915 (APPLAUSE) 391 00:38:46,047 --> 00:38:48,083 Bad-hair day. 392 00:39:05,847 --> 00:39:08,839 All right, lads. Form an orderly queue. 393 00:39:17,527 --> 00:39:21,122 After this, I was briefly offered the part of Snow White 394 00:39:21,287 --> 00:39:24,279 in a Christmas panto in Invercargill. 395 00:39:50,847 --> 00:39:56,604 Extraordinary. 0n the banks of one of the Amazon tributaries, the Urubamba, 396 00:39:56,767 --> 00:40:00,680 some interesting tourist goods on offer. 397 00:40:01,727 --> 00:40:05,515 That's quite nice. Cuánto es? 398 00:40:07,607 --> 00:40:09,598 Dos soles? 399 00:40:09,767 --> 00:40:12,281 That's nice. Yes. 400 00:40:12,447 --> 00:40:17,157 Ooh, yes. Mm. I certainly know about these. 401 00:40:17,327 --> 00:40:19,841 Can I see the mask? 402 00:40:21,047 --> 00:40:23,038 Look at that. 403 00:40:25,087 --> 00:40:30,525 John Cleese. "Hello, miss." I'll have to get that for John. 404 00:40:30,687 --> 00:40:35,044 He looks like that already. There's no point. Cuánto es? 405 00:40:35,207 --> 00:40:36,686 Cinco? 406 00:40:47,487 --> 00:40:51,878 Good way to see Valparaiso - a big seaport in Chile. 407 00:40:52,047 --> 00:40:58,566 The ascensores. First built about 1853 and still going strong. 408 00:40:58,727 --> 00:41:01,195 If a little slowly. 409 00:41:27,407 --> 00:41:29,398 This is an even smaller vehicle, 410 00:41:29,567 --> 00:41:34,163 which takes me out beyond Valparaiso to Viña del Mar. 411 00:41:35,727 --> 00:41:42,280 Valparaiso's seaside suburb. Particularly quiet today, by the looks of things. 412 00:42:47,927 --> 00:42:49,645 Nice. 413 00:43:05,727 --> 00:43:08,480 Is this a major crossing point? 414 00:43:08,647 --> 00:43:13,084 Until we put the fence out 340 feet in the water, it was a big crossing. 415 00:43:13,247 --> 00:43:14,999 This is the "tortilla curtain" - 416 00:43:15,167 --> 00:43:19,922 the border wall between Mexico on the left and the USA on the right. 417 00:43:20,087 --> 00:43:24,399 Here to explain it is Ron Henley of US Border Control. 418 00:43:24,567 --> 00:43:29,516 So most of the people that are coming across have their little sacks with them 419 00:43:29,687 --> 00:43:31,803 and everything they own is in it. 420 00:43:31,967 --> 00:43:36,483 They're usually wearing two sets of clothes, two pairs of pants, 421 00:43:36,647 --> 00:43:42,836 so the sheer weight of trying to go round the fence with wet clothes would be a problem. 422 00:43:43,007 --> 00:43:49,401 - Does anybody try and get across now? - You mean jumping the fence here? No. 423 00:43:49,567 --> 00:43:52,206 We have a unit stationed here. 424 00:43:52,367 --> 00:43:56,326 At one point this was a major problem for us, but it's not any more. 425 00:43:56,487 --> 00:44:00,196 What if someone wanted to get a small boat and get round? 426 00:44:00,367 --> 00:44:02,244 We encounter those sometimes. 427 00:44:02,407 --> 00:44:07,720 But over there is a Coast Guard station that has a radar station with it. 428 00:44:07,887 --> 00:44:12,005 This is part of the Pacific Ocean. This is very well patrolled - 429 00:44:12,167 --> 00:44:16,843 with helicopters and boats - and the Border Patrol has a boat patrol. 430 00:44:17,007 --> 00:44:22,639 So if we get an inclination that this is happening, we'll take steps to counter that. 431 00:44:24,007 --> 00:44:28,046 They've got a couple of people they've taken into custody 432 00:44:28,207 --> 00:44:31,563 and they're looking for one more. 433 00:44:31,727 --> 00:44:37,484 What they do is just sit them on the ground and fan out until they find the other person. 434 00:44:37,647 --> 00:44:40,957 - Could someone slip through this scrub? - Oh, yeah. 435 00:44:41,127 --> 00:44:44,836 If they get in there, it's very difficult to find them. 436 00:44:49,127 --> 00:44:51,595 Do you bring in helicopters? 437 00:44:51,767 --> 00:44:58,240 At times. Evidently they don't really think they need a helicopter to find this person. 438 00:44:58,407 --> 00:45:01,877 If we can't find them, we'll bring a helicopter in. 439 00:45:10,047 --> 00:45:13,835 Do you have any other way of detecting people on the ground? 440 00:45:14,007 --> 00:45:20,480 Yes, we do. All along the border fence, we have ground sensors that are seismic. 441 00:45:20,647 --> 00:45:23,445 They'll have a range of about 15-20 yards 442 00:45:23,607 --> 00:45:28,203 and, depending on the ground, when somebody walks on it, it sets vibrations off 443 00:45:28,367 --> 00:45:33,316 and sends out a radio signal to our dispatcher who'll send agents to the scene. 444 00:45:33,487 --> 00:45:37,639 - Just like he did in this case. - Are they right along the border? 445 00:45:37,807 --> 00:45:42,005 Yes, they are. We have over 600 sensors in the ground. 446 00:45:42,167 --> 00:45:48,515 What about the people on horseback here, just ordinary people using the trail? 447 00:45:48,687 --> 00:45:54,956 We place these sensors in places where it's not trafficked by the normal populace. 448 00:45:55,127 --> 00:45:59,882 - Are they pretty successful? - Couldn't do without them. 449 00:46:00,047 --> 00:46:03,119 Sometimes we set 'em off ourselves. 450 00:46:03,287 --> 00:46:09,476 But we know where all the sensors are, so when the dispatcher calls it out, 451 00:46:09,647 --> 00:46:14,243 we'll say that that's a Border Patrol agent - we have a code for that. 452 00:46:14,407 --> 00:46:19,800 We have two people in custody and we have another one that we're looking for. 453 00:46:19,967 --> 00:46:25,280 - Is he or she probably lying down? - Yeah. They're pretty ingenious. 454 00:46:25,447 --> 00:46:28,962 They'll crawl up in this thick brush and cover up. 455 00:46:29,127 --> 00:46:32,403 When you say "them", do you mean men, women, children? 456 00:46:32,567 --> 00:46:36,560 All the above. Yeah. Any type. 457 00:46:36,727 --> 00:46:41,960 The mode of operation's the same. When we get after them, they hide. 458 00:46:42,127 --> 00:46:45,164 - Do you have many children? - Not a lot. 459 00:46:45,327 --> 00:46:50,640 But we've seen them as young as babies born a couple of months ago. 460 00:46:50,807 --> 00:46:54,038 It's a pretty hard trek for all of them. 461 00:46:58,087 --> 00:47:02,000 This is the centre where immigrants without papers 462 00:47:02,167 --> 00:47:05,398 are rounded up and details taken. 463 00:47:05,567 --> 00:47:09,401 (SPEAKS SPANISH) 464 00:47:58,527 --> 00:48:04,716 Persistent offenders may be imprisoned, but most of them are put back on the bus 465 00:48:04,887 --> 00:48:08,197 and taken back to Mexico across the border. 466 00:48:12,807 --> 00:48:15,799 Presumably to try again one day. 467 00:48:37,047 --> 00:48:41,165 I think we took this out because it looked like a commercial break. 468 00:48:41,327 --> 00:48:44,603 I am having a good time on the Pacific Coast Highway 469 00:48:44,767 --> 00:48:49,716 in a Morgan sports car - not my own. 470 00:48:53,407 --> 00:48:59,755 Driving up to one of the greatest examples of conspicuous consumption on this coast - 471 00:48:59,927 --> 00:49:04,523 William Randolph Hearst's castle at San Simeon. 472 00:49:18,487 --> 00:49:20,876 If Hearst wanted anything, he bought it. 473 00:49:21,047 --> 00:49:26,360 Bits of Europe were shipped back from Spain, Italy and France 474 00:49:26,527 --> 00:49:30,042 and reassembled on the shores of the Pacific. 475 00:49:54,847 --> 00:49:57,645 It's a bit like our spare room at home. 476 00:50:15,487 --> 00:50:18,285 Not a DVD in sight. 477 00:50:31,447 --> 00:50:33,438 Ah. Bathroom. 478 00:50:40,287 --> 00:50:43,643 Who needs travelling? Just bring it all home. 479 00:50:43,807 --> 00:50:49,996 Farewell to the home of William Randolph Hearst's great fictional counterpart - 480 00:50:50,167 --> 00:50:52,635 Citizen Kane. 481 00:51:02,767 --> 00:51:06,237 And in Hollywood, a Python. Not sure which one. 482 00:51:06,407 --> 00:51:11,117 This is dreadful. The naughty life. Now I know why you've moved to California. 483 00:51:11,287 --> 00:51:13,801 - Have you moved to California? - I have. 484 00:51:13,967 --> 00:51:18,119 - To get away from the other Pythons. - And they still follow me. 485 00:51:18,287 --> 00:51:21,518 - Who's left? I can never remember. - Still alive? 486 00:51:21,687 --> 00:51:25,965 There's the tall one who used to do the female impersonations. 487 00:51:26,127 --> 00:51:29,915 Always liked being in drag. Did he put his hand on your knee? 488 00:51:30,087 --> 00:51:32,078 - Hm? - Oh, nothing. 489 00:51:32,287 --> 00:51:36,485 - Then the two little ones. - Both called Terry. All called Terry. 490 00:51:36,647 --> 00:51:39,286 They would do most of the naked roles. 491 00:51:39,447 --> 00:51:42,405 And most of the directing. It went together. 492 00:51:42,567 --> 00:51:47,436 Bared their souls. Actually, you used to take your clothes off occasionally. 493 00:51:47,607 --> 00:51:51,395 Not on screen, but when we were having writing meetings. 494 00:51:53,847 --> 00:51:58,125 - I once played a naked batsman. That's all. - Very good. 495 00:51:58,287 --> 00:52:01,359 Great to be here again. And there it is, look. 496 00:52:01,527 --> 00:52:05,281 LA sinking away into the west. 497 00:52:05,447 --> 00:52:08,484 - Drinking in the sunset. - Drinking away. 498 00:52:09,807 --> 00:52:14,085 - It really is nice. - Have you got any questions? 499 00:52:14,247 --> 00:52:16,238 Oh, crib sheet. 500 00:52:16,407 --> 00:52:19,763 When... What are you doing at the moment? 501 00:52:19,927 --> 00:52:23,317 How is Pythonline doing? Pythonline Network. 502 00:52:23,487 --> 00:52:27,275 Is this a plug? We have a new thing called Pythonline. 503 00:52:27,447 --> 00:52:32,157 Which is a website, a world-wide website - www.pythonline.com 504 00:52:32,327 --> 00:52:36,798 If you dial that up on your little web browsers, you get Michael Palin. 505 00:52:36,967 --> 00:52:41,677 He's written some funny things about him being the fattest Python. 506 00:52:41,847 --> 00:52:45,283 Do we make money out of it? Enough to pay for this martini? 507 00:52:45,447 --> 00:52:47,802 I think we'll make enough for the martini. 508 00:52:47,967 --> 00:52:51,084 We've had two million hits and we've only been open three weeks. 509 00:52:51,247 --> 00:52:54,876 It's nice to have been dead so long, but people are still... 510 00:52:55,047 --> 00:52:57,880 We've been dead... Oh, we ran out. 511 00:53:04,047 --> 00:53:08,199 So what's it like living in LA? Is it just? 512 00:53:08,367 --> 00:53:11,245 It's constant razzle-dazzle, Michael. 513 00:53:11,407 --> 00:53:16,322 I had Sharon Stone banging on my door, saying, "Let me in for a martini." 514 00:53:16,487 --> 00:53:19,684 - It's hell, mate. - She wanted me for a part. 515 00:53:19,847 --> 00:53:23,522 - Did she? - Yeah. Offered me a big part. 516 00:53:23,687 --> 00:53:28,078 What was it? You were playing the gall opposite her Stone? 517 00:53:28,247 --> 00:53:32,718 - "Life of Sharon", it was. The remake. - You were playing Tracy. 518 00:53:32,887 --> 00:53:36,675 No, seriously. Should I move here, do you think? 519 00:53:36,847 --> 00:53:40,078 Um... What, and give up your day job? 520 00:53:40,247 --> 00:53:43,364 I don't know. I like it here. It's very... 521 00:53:43,527 --> 00:53:47,486 People have this image of Hollywood and you spend all your time... 522 00:53:47,647 --> 00:53:53,165 I live very quietly. I have a six-year-old daughter I take to school. 523 00:53:53,327 --> 00:53:56,080 Here you are on a terrace drinking martini. 524 00:53:56,247 --> 00:53:59,159 - You set this up! - Blame me! 525 00:53:59,327 --> 00:54:04,720 "Eric, put on your best suit and come down to a hotel and be filmed," you said. 526 00:54:04,887 --> 00:54:09,677 This is the first time I've been over the hill since we finished Python. 527 00:54:12,087 --> 00:54:16,478 - Thank you very much. - Can you still remember those jokes? 528 00:54:16,647 --> 00:54:19,207 I still remember some of your jokes. 529 00:54:19,367 --> 00:54:22,882 I'm still constantly mistaken for you. 530 00:54:23,047 --> 00:54:27,563 I'm mistaken for you, too. I mean, do we look at all alike? 531 00:54:27,727 --> 00:54:31,481 Can people get this right? This is Eric and I'm Mike. 532 00:54:31,647 --> 00:54:34,923 - No. That's Mike and I'm Eric. - Or am I John? 533 00:54:35,087 --> 00:54:38,762 A bit of John. We've all got a bit of John in us. Ooh! 534 00:54:38,927 --> 00:54:41,395 I'm giving away trade secrets! 535 00:54:43,007 --> 00:54:46,079 I went on the "Tonight" show to announce I wasn't Mike. 536 00:54:46,247 --> 00:54:51,879 I wore a T-shirt of you and said, "This is Mike and this is me." I still get mistaken. 537 00:54:52,047 --> 00:54:57,201 This is one of your characters. This is Mr Gumby, who was invented by Mike. 538 00:54:57,367 --> 00:55:02,885 This is the sequel T-shirt to the "My brain hurts!" T-shirt - "My friend's brain hurts!" 539 00:55:03,047 --> 00:55:07,598 (GUMBY VOICE) My friend's brain hurts. My friend's brain hurts! 540 00:55:09,287 --> 00:55:13,280 - Why they found that funny beats me! - It beats wit. 541 00:55:13,447 --> 00:55:16,996 Noel Coward didn't need that stupid voice, did he? 542 00:55:17,167 --> 00:55:20,398 Stanley Baldwin was funny without putting on a voice. 543 00:55:20,567 --> 00:55:24,401 Neville Chamberlain - "I have peace in our time!" 544 00:55:24,567 --> 00:55:28,799 Didn't need it. Just came off the plane and said, "Peace in our time." 545 00:55:28,967 --> 00:55:32,437 Winston Churchill - "We'll fight them on the beaches! 546 00:55:32,607 --> 00:55:37,965 "And in the fields... and on the terraces with a martini." 547 00:55:38,127 --> 00:55:43,884 You should go round the world as Mr Gumby. The next voyage. Mr Gumby in Australia. 548 00:55:44,047 --> 00:55:48,120 - Oh, dear. I'm enjoying this. - What a lovely performance. 549 00:55:48,287 --> 00:55:51,359 It's not sophisticated on this rather smart balcony. 550 00:55:51,527 --> 00:55:53,404 It's very popular, though. 551 00:55:53,567 --> 00:55:58,482 It's nice that you're mistaken for me because you can go to all these premieres 552 00:55:58,647 --> 00:56:01,320 and people say, "Michael Palin's doing well." 553 00:56:01,487 --> 00:56:05,924 When I'm mistaken for you, because you're known as the nice one, 554 00:56:06,087 --> 00:56:09,636 when people say, "Are you Michael Palin?" I'll say, "Yes, you bastard!" 555 00:56:09,807 --> 00:56:14,198 - And get you a bad reputation. - This'll help me no end. 556 00:56:14,367 --> 00:56:17,962 Toughen you up. You won't be mistaken for Gary Lineker. 557 00:56:18,127 --> 00:56:21,756 Terry gets upset that I'm called the nice one. Terry's wife does. 558 00:56:21,927 --> 00:56:26,637 She says, "My husband's very nice." Most of the Pythons are nice, apart from you. 559 00:56:26,807 --> 00:56:31,164 In fact, he's over-nice. To a lot of people's wives! 560 00:56:33,047 --> 00:56:38,644 Anyway, so maybe I won't stay in LA. You can be Michael Palin in LA. 561 00:56:38,807 --> 00:56:41,765 - I'll be Michael Palin West. - I'll come here now and then. 562 00:56:41,927 --> 00:56:45,602 Come through on various criss-crosses of the world 563 00:56:45,767 --> 00:56:48,327 with this crew of yours assembled here. 564 00:56:48,487 --> 00:56:52,719 - Keep Michael moving. - Can I ask you questions? 565 00:56:52,887 --> 00:56:55,799 How long have you been on the road now? 566 00:56:55,967 --> 00:57:00,677 Oh, well... Over nine months. 567 00:57:00,847 --> 00:57:03,725 - My God. - I'll be giving birth any moment. 568 00:57:03,887 --> 00:57:07,926 - Are you enjoying it? - Yes, I am enjoying it, yeah. 569 00:57:08,087 --> 00:57:10,965 - Is it tough? - It's tough, but I enjoy it. 570 00:57:11,127 --> 00:57:16,485 "No gain without pain", as we say on the unit. As the mosquitoes fly in. 571 00:57:16,647 --> 00:57:20,879 I quite enjoyed suffering on the Python team. You were not very good at it. 572 00:57:21,047 --> 00:57:23,322 I went to boarding school longer than you. 573 00:57:23,487 --> 00:57:27,765 This'll probably be a waste of film. Let Nigel have the evening off. 574 00:57:27,927 --> 00:57:32,796 - (MICHAEL) I feel my sense of comedy waning. - It's difficult to do reverses. 575 00:57:32,967 --> 00:57:38,599 (MICHAEL) Why don't we do silly reverses? Me doing inapposite things. That would be funny. 576 00:57:38,767 --> 00:57:42,601 - (ERIC) You could do the one... - Yes, officer. No, honestly. 577 00:57:42,767 --> 00:57:47,045 (ERIC) Remember the one on "The Rutles" where I crossed the line? 578 00:57:47,207 --> 00:57:49,721 (LAUGHTER) 579 00:57:49,887 --> 00:57:55,519 (MICHAEL) All right. I'll just do uproarious laughter when the time comes. OK? 580 00:57:55,687 --> 00:57:59,839 (LAUGHTER) 581 00:58:00,007 --> 00:58:02,726 Nigel, you've blown it. 582 00:58:02,887 --> 00:58:07,244 (ERIC) Maybe he has one in him. (MICHAEL) There's a bit of John in all of us. 583 00:58:07,407 --> 00:58:10,160 (LAUGHTER) 584 00:58:10,327 --> 00:58:12,716 (ERIC) Thank God for editing. 585 00:58:18,687 --> 00:58:21,076 You look like Philip Jenkinson. 586 00:58:25,287 --> 00:58:29,246 No. No, not really. 587 00:58:29,407 --> 00:58:31,398 No, I know what you mean.