Melissa & Joey - Second Season English Subtitles

1
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"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:09,267 --> 00:00:11,411
- Joe, where are my shoes?
- Box in the corner

3
00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:13,153
marked "Mel's crap I
keep tripping over."

4
00:00:14,228 --> 00:00:16,607
( gasps )
My babies!

5
00:00:16,676 --> 00:00:19,792
Awww! These should be in a box marked
"things I like better than you."

6
00:00:19,862 --> 00:00:21,636
And it would be a
really big box.

7
00:00:21,703 --> 00:00:23,847
It's all right. You can take it all out on me.
I can handle it.

8
00:00:23,917 --> 00:00:27,000
I've got thick skin. It's currently
covered in three months' of drywall dust.

1
00:00:06,124 --> 00:00:09,206
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:09,275 --> 00:00:13,026
- Joe, I got your text. Is everyone okay?
- Yeah, everything's fine.

3
00:00:13,093 --> 00:00:15,069
You 9-1-1'd me.
You do know what that means, right?

4
00:00:15,639 --> 00:00:17,280
It means you'll hustle up and
get home when I need you.

5
00:00:18,355 --> 00:00:20,465
I was in the middle of a
critical budget meeting.

6
00:00:20,534 --> 00:00:22,341
9-1-1 is for emergencies only.

7
00:00:22,810 --> 00:00:25,290
- Your new cabinet doors are here.
- Why didn't you tell me sooner?

8
00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:26,831
I would've gotten
a police escort!

9

1
00:00:06,595 --> 00:00:09,638
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:12,047 --> 00:00:14,055
- Hey.
- Hey.

3
00:00:14,089 --> 00:00:16,296
What are you doing up
this early on a Sunday?

4
00:00:17,332 --> 00:00:19,172
Those don't look
like your

5
00:00:19,207 --> 00:00:21,213
churchgoing pj's.

6
00:00:21,247 --> 00:00:24,259
- I'm having breakfast.
- There's nothing in front of you.

7
00:00:24,294 --> 00:00:27,103
And that's where
you come in.

8
00:00:27,138 --> 00:00:29,077
Oh okay, I see.
You know what?

9

1
00:00:06,576 --> 00:00:09,420
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:12,421 --> 00:00:15,567
I'm leaving,
if anyone needs me.

3
00:00:15,601 --> 00:00:18,029
- Hey, Aunt Mel.
- Oh, jeez.

4
00:00:18,115 --> 00:00:21,297
- Can I talk to you?
- Yeah, sure, my door is always open.

5
00:00:21,332 --> 00:00:23,408
Except right now.
I'm slamming it shut behind me. Bye.

6
00:00:23,443 --> 00:00:27,159
Wait. What? No,
but this is an emergency.

7
00:00:27,193 --> 00:00:29,373
My friend Scarlett
got...

8
00:00:29,408 --> 00:00:31,219
A boyfriend.

9

1
00:00:05,895 --> 00:00:09,653
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:09,687 --> 00:00:11,632
Boy in film:
We can't do it, mom.

3
00:00:11,666 --> 00:00:12,906
We'll never beat
those guys.

4
00:00:12,940 --> 00:00:14,852
Mom:
Well, Cody,

5
00:00:14,887 --> 00:00:17,672
you've got something that
big-city team doesn't have--

6
00:00:17,706 --> 00:00:20,859
- You've got a whole town that
believes in you. - ( Crying )

7
00:00:20,893 --> 00:00:22,906
I believe
in you, Cody.

8
00:00:24,584 --> 00:00:26,832
- Tissue?
- No.

1
00:00:06,116 --> 00:00:07,354
( Music playing )

2
00:00:07,376 --> 00:00:10,184
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

3
00:00:11,223 --> 00:00:13,197
Well, I'm off.
Watch the kids, feed the kids,

4
00:00:13,231 --> 00:00:15,104
try not to kill the kids.

5
00:00:15,138 --> 00:00:17,079
Got it.
Wait-- what was that last one?

6
00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:20,226
Wow, look at
that outfit.

7
00:00:20,662 --> 00:00:22,302
Never seen that before, huh?
Where are you off to--

8
00:00:22,336 --> 00:00:24,310
a night out on the town
with your sister wives?

9
00:00:25,346 --> 00:00:26,951

1
00:00:06,431 --> 00:00:09,312
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:09,849 --> 00:00:12,832
You know, Ariel, what I like best
about chamber-of-commerce meetings?

3
00:00:12,867 --> 00:00:15,680
Coming back here
and drinking it off.

4
00:00:15,715 --> 00:00:18,028
Are you trying to get me drunk
and have your way with me?

5
00:00:18,062 --> 00:00:20,039
Hey, I haven't given up
on men yet.

6
00:00:20,073 --> 00:00:23,626
But if I ever do, you are at the
top of my if-I-were-gay list.

7
00:00:23,660 --> 00:00:25,873
That is so sweet.

8
00:00:25,908 --> 00:00:28,992
All right, I've got meetings with
horrible people early tomorrow morning,

9

1
00:00:07,269 --> 00:00:10,178
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:10,713 --> 00:00:12,819
Wow, Jackie, this might be
the hardest shopping decision

3
00:00:12,855 --> 00:00:14,225
you'll ever have to make.

4
00:00:14,260 --> 00:00:16,064
Yeah, no return
policy on this.

5
00:00:16,098 --> 00:00:19,074
What are you guys buying?
Boots? Purses?

6
00:00:19,108 --> 00:00:21,717
Sperm for Jackie's baby.

7
00:00:21,751 --> 00:00:23,689
That is not a purse.

8
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:26,733
You know, this isn't exactly how I pictured
myself doing this when I was younger.

9
00:00:26,767 --> 00:00:29,007
I think it's great.

1
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:09,527
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:10,565 --> 00:00:11,667
( Man laughs )

3
00:00:11,668 --> 00:00:13,743
Come on, Travis. It's a silent auction,

4
00:00:13,778 --> 00:00:15,919
so I was bidding on stuff.
I was helping the city.

5
00:00:15,953 --> 00:00:18,495
You paid $200 for a
dinner with yourself.

6
00:00:18,579 --> 00:00:20,654
After a heated
bidding war--

7
00:00:20,689 --> 00:00:22,560
with myself.

8
00:00:22,594 --> 00:00:25,706
I didn't want to be one of
those leftover auction items

9
00:00:25,740 --> 00:00:27,647
that's pathetic at the end

1
00:00:06,245 --> 00:00:09,427
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:10,061 --> 00:00:10,762
Ugh!

3
00:00:10,763 --> 00:00:13,392
It's my money and I'm
gonna use it how I want.

4
00:00:13,461 --> 00:00:14,733
Look, man, I'm not judging.
I'm just saying that

5
00:00:14,801 --> 00:00:16,608
what you want to do with it
is incredibly stupid.

6
00:00:16,676 --> 00:00:18,517
Which is your opinion--

7
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:20,929
- as a businessman.
- Who makes my lunch.

8
00:00:22,270 --> 00:00:24,146
Don't you go there, boy.

9
00:00:24,214 --> 00:00:28,065
You really wanna mess with the guy who

1
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:09,960
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:13,715
I will never take another driving
lesson from you as long as I live!

3
00:00:13,784 --> 00:00:16,626
Perfect, because I will never give you
another lesson as long as I live,

4
00:00:16,695 --> 00:00:19,605
which will be a lot longer now that I'm never
getting into a car that you're driving.

5
00:00:20,677 --> 00:00:22,619
You are the worst
teacher ever.

6
00:00:22,687 --> 00:00:26,366
Even worse than Miss Layman in second grade,
and she let the whole class eat paint.

7
00:00:26,434 --> 00:00:29,646
Well, I have never seen a
bigger menace behind the wheel,

8
00:00:29,714 --> 00:00:31,989
and that includes after prom
when Kevin Martin drove me home

1
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:09,525
Melissa & Joey is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:09,645 --> 00:00:12,554
So, mom, you know how endless
a kitchen remodel can be.

3
00:00:12,588 --> 00:00:14,360
I never want to go
through that again.

4
00:00:14,394 --> 00:00:16,467
Yes, but it's all worth it
when it's done.

5
00:00:16,501 --> 00:00:17,738
When will it be finished?

6
00:00:17,772 --> 00:00:19,511
Is finished.

7
00:00:19,546 --> 00:00:21,283
Really?

8
00:00:21,317 --> 00:00:23,290
So all this is intentional?

9
00:00:25,397 --> 00:00:26,701
Hey, slow down there, you two.

1
00:00:06,879 --> 00:00:09,858
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:09,892 --> 00:00:12,068
So how do I look?

3
00:00:12,102 --> 00:00:14,043
Oh, just like me!

4
00:00:14,077 --> 00:00:15,951
- I'm gonna go change.
- No no no!

5
00:00:15,985 --> 00:00:19,065
I just mean you look appropriate
for an intern at city hall.

6
00:00:19,099 --> 00:00:20,337
Just wait
till your boss sees you.

7
00:00:20,371 --> 00:00:22,915
You don't have to wait.
I'm your boss.

8
00:00:22,949 --> 00:00:24,221
I see you!

9
00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:27,100
- Yo.

1
00:00:06,078 --> 00:00:09,086
Melissa: "Melissa & Joey" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

2
00:00:10,123 --> 00:00:11,393
And when the batter
starts to bubble,

3
00:00:11,427 --> 00:00:13,332
you go under it like this
and just flip it over.

4
00:00:13,366 --> 00:00:15,337
Oh, you are so good
at flipping things over.

5
00:00:15,372 --> 00:00:16,442
Mm...
( Chuckles )

6
00:00:16,477 --> 00:00:19,250
And pancakes
are ruined forever.

7
00:00:19,284 --> 00:00:21,456
Mel, you know how you
complained for three days

8
00:00:21,491 --> 00:00:22,560
that there
was no breakfast?

1
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,165
Previously on "Melissa & Joey"...

2
00:00:09,253 --> 00:00:11,026
Something terrible
has happened.

3
00:00:11,027 --> 00:00:12,765
There is enormous
scandal at Prodko.

4
00:00:12,799 --> 00:00:14,706
If she married
a U.S. citizen,

5
00:00:14,742 --> 00:00:16,780
I could save her
from being extradited.

6
00:00:16,814 --> 00:00:19,323
Will you marry me
and become a U.S. citizen?

7
00:00:19,359 --> 00:00:23,605
- Da! - This is the
happiest moment of my life.

8
00:00:23,639 --> 00:00:25,377
Holy cannoli.

9
00:00:27,020 --> 00:00:30,113