Brooklyn Nine-Nine - First Season English Subtitles

1
00:00:02,262 --> 00:00:04,363
This job is eating me alive.

2
00:00:04,398 --> 00:00:06,599
I can't breathe anymore.

3
00:00:06,633 --> 00:00:09,168
I spent all these years
trying to be the good guy,

4
00:00:09,169 --> 00:00:11,737
the man in the white hat.

5
00:00:11,772 --> 00:00:14,407
I'm not becoming like them.

6
00:00:14,408 --> 00:00:16,842
I am them.

7
00:00:16,843 --> 00:00:19,545
Hey! What are
you doing, weirdo?

8
00:00:19,546 --> 00:00:21,380
I'm doing the best speech
from Donnie Brasco.

9
00:00:21,415 --> 00:00:23,182
Or actually,

10

1
00:00:03,258 --> 00:00:06,627
Ah, Captain.
You're at my desk.

2
00:00:06,628 --> 00:00:08,390
Just what I wanna see
first thing in the morning.

3
00:00:08,397 --> 00:00:10,299
You're three minutes late,
Peralta.

4
00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:12,901
Not my fault.
I had a plumbing problem.

5
00:00:16,547 --> 00:00:18,549
Which reminds me,
I'm gonna need

6
00:00:18,550 --> 00:00:21,185
a new
departmentally issued phone.

7
00:00:21,219 --> 00:00:23,154
Oh, come on, really?
I'm a few minutes late,

8
00:00:23,155 --> 00:00:24,573
so you're gonna call me out
in front of everyone?

1
00:00:01,934 --> 00:00:03,867
For the last time,
the best cop movies,

2
00:00:03,868 --> 00:00:05,668
in order: Training Day,

3
00:00:05,669 --> 00:00:07,503
Lethal Weapon, and Fargo.

4
00:00:07,504 --> 00:00:09,204
- End of discussion.
- Wrong.

5
00:00:09,238 --> 00:00:11,939
Die Hard is the best
cop movie of all time.

6
00:00:11,940 --> 00:00:13,807
One cop heroically
saving the day

7
00:00:13,808 --> 00:00:15,708
while everyone else
stands around and watches.

8
00:00:15,709 --> 00:00:17,309
It's the story of my life.

9
00:00:17,343 --> 00:00:18,776
I like Turner & Hooch.

1
00:00:02,990 --> 00:00:04,390
I'm so glad we could
finally do this.

2
00:00:04,391 --> 00:00:06,459
I know, Kylie says you're
always stuck at the precinct.

3
00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:09,196
Yeah.

4
00:00:09,197 --> 00:00:10,695
Speaking of,
this is work.

5
00:00:10,696 --> 00:00:12,429
Sorry.

6
00:00:12,430 --> 00:00:13,630
What's up, Peralta?

7
00:00:13,631 --> 00:00:15,331
Captain called.
He needs everybody back.

8
00:00:15,332 --> 00:00:17,297
There's a lead on
the nightingale strangler.

9
00:00:17,298 --> 00:00:20,699
We're looking for a white male,

1
00:00:01,815 --> 00:00:04,496
Hey, you guys see the dude
I brought in today...

2
00:00:04,497 --> 00:00:06,894
The drug dealer?
81 years old.

3
00:00:06,895 --> 00:00:09,535
I think it's the oldest collar
of my entire career.

4
00:00:09,536 --> 00:00:12,794
I once arrested a 96-year-old
for flashing.

5
00:00:12,795 --> 00:00:14,759
I was terrified he'd die
in my backseat...

6
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,154
Or flash me.

7
00:00:16,155 --> 00:00:19,491
My oldest collar was 78,
but the PCP

8
00:00:19,492 --> 00:00:20,825
made her fight
like she was 20.

9

1
00:00:02,602 --> 00:00:04,069
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa!

2
00:00:04,071 --> 00:00:05,304
Settle.

3
00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:06,772
Sorry, sarge.

4
00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:10,075
Ugh, Halloween is the worst.

5
00:00:10,077 --> 00:00:12,077
Everyone's drunk,
wearing a mask,

6
00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:13,579
and carrying a fake gun.

7
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,714
Plus all the girls think
they have to dress sexy.

8
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:18,717
I know, that is the worst.
Please make them stop.

9
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,185
I passed a slutty tree
on the way here.

1
00:00:02,496 --> 00:00:04,129
Hey, Cap'n, got a second?

2
00:00:04,163 --> 00:00:06,898
- It's "Captain."
- What did I say?

3
00:00:06,899 --> 00:00:09,533
"Cap'n,"
like Cap'n Crunch.

4
00:00:09,567 --> 00:00:10,868
All right,
but to be fair,

5
00:00:10,869 --> 00:00:12,402
Cap'n Crunch
was a war hero

6
00:00:12,403 --> 00:00:14,004
and the primary
male role model

7
00:00:14,005 --> 00:00:16,940
in my house,
growing up, so...

8
00:00:16,974 --> 00:00:19,309
Anyways, cap-tain,
you know

9

1
00:00:01,893 --> 00:00:02,897
Careful!

2
00:00:02,898 --> 00:00:05,039
You only get one shot
at this, Peralta.

3
00:00:05,074 --> 00:00:06,679
Don't worry.
I know what I'm doing.

4
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,882
I saw the first 15 minutes
of The Hurt Locker.

5
00:00:08,916 --> 00:00:10,484
Hurry!
The stench is too much.

6
00:00:10,518 --> 00:00:12,556
We gotta get
those shoes outta here.

7
00:00:12,590 --> 00:00:13,858
How much time
do we have?

8
00:00:13,859 --> 00:00:15,761
Scully ate his pot pie
30 minutes ago,

9

1
00:00:01,093 --> 00:00:02,888
Oh, this is amazing.

2
00:00:02,889 --> 00:00:04,122
This is so amazing.

3
00:00:04,123 --> 00:00:05,123
Everything about this
is amazing.

4
00:00:05,124 --> 00:00:06,124
What are you talking about?

5
00:00:06,125 --> 00:00:07,392
A virus got on the server

6
00:00:07,426 --> 00:00:08,926
and sent all of us an email

7
00:00:08,927 --> 00:00:09,926
with everyone's
search histories.

8
00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:11,127
Check this out.

9
00:00:11,128 --> 00:00:12,328
Sergeant Jeffords
searched the Internet

10

1
00:00:02,445 --> 00:00:05,754
- Happy Turkey Day.
- Yes! Right out of the gate.

2
00:00:05,755 --> 00:00:07,089
What?
What's going on?

3
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:08,957
We're playing Boyle Bingo,
Thanksgiving edition.

4
00:00:08,991 --> 00:00:12,460
Everyone filled out their cards with
possible Charles-related scenarios.

5
00:00:12,495 --> 00:00:13,995
First to bingo
gets 100 bucks.

6
00:00:14,030 --> 00:00:17,166
I had "Boyle calls it 'Turkey Day'"
on the center square.

7
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:20,836
"Boyle explains that they ate
lobsters at the first Thanksgiving."

8
00:00:20,870 --> 00:00:23,738
They did. Back in that time,
they called lobsters "ocean bugs."

1
00:00:04,417 --> 00:00:06,888
Al right, you'll take this one
on the right,

2
00:00:06,889 --> 00:00:09,423
and I'll take the big one on the left.

3
00:00:09,458 --> 00:00:12,260
NYPD!
Santa, stop hitting Santa.

4
00:00:12,294 --> 00:00:13,561
What's going on here?

5
00:00:13,595 --> 00:00:14,929
I've been on this corner for six years.

6
00:00:14,930 --> 00:00:16,764
Suddenly, this guy shows up.

7
00:00:16,765 --> 00:00:18,032
Hey, you don't own
this corner. I got a charity too.

8
00:00:18,066 --> 00:00:20,434
Canine diabetes?
Who cares about fat dogs?

9
00:00:20,435 --> 00:00:22,470
They can't give themselves
shots, they got paws.

1
00:00:01,229 --> 00:00:03,679
He's here.
Boyle is here.

2
00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:04,980
This is so fun!

3
00:00:04,981 --> 00:00:07,482
I wish you guys got shot more often.

4
00:00:07,517 --> 00:00:10,452
Buh-buh-buh-back
in the nine nine.

5
00:00:12,889 --> 00:00:14,122
Welcome back, Detective.

6
00:00:14,157 --> 00:00:15,324
Wow, is this all for me?

7
00:00:15,325 --> 00:00:16,324
Of course it is.

8
00:00:16,326 --> 00:00:17,359
What're you wearing, there, buddy?

9
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:19,962
Oh, none of my pants
fit over my butt cast.

10

1
00:00:02,781 --> 00:00:04,789
Charles, this is exciting.

2
00:00:04,790 --> 00:00:07,223
- Medal of valor.
- I know.

3
00:00:07,224 --> 00:00:08,324
For getting shot in the butt.

4
00:00:10,461 --> 00:00:13,496
Oh, my butt!

5
00:00:13,497 --> 00:00:14,998
For exceptional acts of heroism

6
00:00:14,999 --> 00:00:16,899
or voluntary risk of personal safety.

7
00:00:16,900 --> 00:00:18,534
But, you know, six of one.

8
00:00:18,535 --> 00:00:21,004
This is one of the NYPD's highest honors.

9
00:00:21,005 --> 00:00:24,874
Today is your day, Detective Boyle.

10
00:00:24,908 --> 00:00:27,076
Heroism can't be

1
00:00:02,661 --> 00:00:04,404
Morning, Scully.
How was your weekend?

2
00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:08,508
Oh, fun. Kelly and I hit
the park, went for a long walk.

3
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:09,976
Fell asleep watching TV.

4
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,913
Oh. Sounds like a fun
weekend with Kelly.

5
00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:16,983
So, Kelly. Is that
Scully's wife or his dog?

6
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,951
Wait.

7
00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:20,153
No one knows Scully's wife's name?

8
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:21,621
I think Kelly is his dog.

9
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,389
Went for a long walk.
That's what you do with a dog.

1
00:00:01,809 --> 00:00:04,010
We've busted murderers,
we've taken down cartels.

2
00:00:05,111 --> 00:00:07,946
But today we face the worst
New York has to offer...

3
00:00:07,981 --> 00:00:11,717
The fire department.

4
00:00:11,751 --> 00:00:13,819
Fire marshal Boone, we meet again.

5
00:00:13,820 --> 00:00:15,721
Detective Peralta, your fly's down.

6
00:00:15,722 --> 00:00:17,389
I made you look.
I didn't look.

7
00:00:17,390 --> 00:00:19,358
And I'm wearing shorts, there is no fly.

8
00:00:19,392 --> 00:00:20,425
That's not what your mom said.

9
00:00:20,426 --> 00:00:21,560
You make no sense.

10

1
00:00:01,983 --> 00:00:03,371
Everyone, check your email.

2
00:00:03,372 --> 00:00:06,372
The greatest thing that could
ever happen has just happened.

3
00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:08,474
The girl who beat you for
high school valedictorian died?

4
00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:11,176
No, "Kevin Cozner requests your presence

5
00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:13,178
at Raymond's birthday party."

6
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:14,680
Who's Kevin Cozner?

7
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:17,483
Is he the star
of "Danzes with Wolvez?"

8
00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:20,085
He's captain Holt's husband.
Captain Raymond Holt.

9
00:00:20,087 --> 00:00:21,420
We're invited
to the captain's birthday party.

1
00:00:01,472 --> 00:00:04,007
Dryin' dishes, yeah.

2
00:00:04,908 --> 00:00:07,276
Man, Charles has been
so happy and confident

3
00:00:07,277 --> 00:00:08,744
ever since he hooked up
with that Professor

4
00:00:08,745 --> 00:00:10,045
at the captain's party.

5
00:00:12,048 --> 00:00:15,284
She has tenure, and also has ten years,

6
00:00:15,285 --> 00:00:17,820
times two, older than him.

7
00:00:17,821 --> 00:00:19,255
That sucked.
Yeah.

8
00:00:19,256 --> 00:00:20,522
It's nice to see him like this.

9
00:00:20,523 --> 00:00:22,258
He's so confident.

10

1
00:00:01,368 --> 00:00:05,471
So, again, your alibi is
a mysterious stranger

2
00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:08,207
handed you the gun,
made you put your prints on it,

3
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:10,309
robbed the store,
and then hid the gun

4
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:11,510
in your underpants.

5
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:12,711
Well, yeah, if you say it
like that,

6
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:14,113
it don't sound believable.

7
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,447
Oh, hey, captain.

8
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,016
Did you get my report
on the Finley murder?

9
00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,384
Yeah, I looked it over.

1
00:00:01,734 --> 00:00:04,223
For you.

2
00:00:04,224 --> 00:00:05,257
And you.

3
00:00:05,292 --> 00:00:06,759
And you.

4
00:00:06,794 --> 00:00:07,894
What are these?

5
00:00:07,928 --> 00:00:12,599
These, madam, are STDs.

6
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:13,833
What are you talking about, buddy?

7
00:00:13,867 --> 00:00:17,369
STDs. Save the dates.
For Vivian and my wedding.

8
00:00:17,370 --> 00:00:19,205
Yes.

9
00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:20,505
Hey, just out of curiosity,

10
00:00:20,506 --> 00:00:22,240
how many people have you given STDs to?

1
00:00:01,793 --> 00:00:03,260
All right, gang, Diet Day Four.

2
00:00:03,794 --> 00:00:05,461
How's everyone holding up?

3
00:00:05,496 --> 00:00:07,564
Honestly, I'm going to last forever.

4
00:00:07,598 --> 00:00:11,668
You hear that, bitches?
♪ I'm gonna last forever ♪

5
00:00:11,702 --> 00:00:13,202
I'm doing great.

6
00:00:13,212 --> 00:00:14,813
This morning the homeless guy on my stoop

7
00:00:14,838 --> 00:00:16,005
said my skin looked dope.

8
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:17,340
What's going on?

9
00:00:17,374 --> 00:00:19,175
Why do you all have matching bags?

10
00:00:19,209 --> 00:00:21,678
We're doing a diet together.

1
00:00:03,805 --> 00:00:05,773
Whoa. What's with the cast?
I sprained my wrist.

2
00:00:06,007 --> 00:00:07,107
Oh, no!
What happened?

3
00:00:07,142 --> 00:00:08,809
Don't worry about it.
I'm fine.

4
00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:09,977
Yeah! Geez, Amy.

5
00:00:10,011 --> 00:00:11,011
Back off.

6
00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:12,279
Leave the guy alone.

7
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:13,560
All right, huddle up, everybody.

8
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:14,815
Bring it in, bring it in!

9
00:00:14,816 --> 00:00:16,150
So he wouldn't say what happened,

10

1
00:00:04,634 --> 00:00:08,087
I didn't wash my hands, and I don't care.

2
00:00:08,088 --> 00:00:09,853
Yup.

3
00:00:09,854 --> 00:00:13,834
Cool to be some place
right when things get good, right?

4
00:00:15,161 --> 00:00:18,732
Another pitcher of
your strongest beer, please, good sir,

5
00:00:18,733 --> 00:00:21,424
and a glass thingie to drink it out of.

6
00:00:21,425 --> 00:00:25,746
And one of whatever
this guy's having for that guy,

7
00:00:25,747 --> 00:00:28,269
and one of what
that guy's having for this guy.

8
00:00:28,435 --> 00:00:31,018
And another round for everyone, on me!

9
00:00:32,187 --> 00:00:33,921
That's right.
That's right.