Black Books English Subtitles
Series Info:
Overview:
Bernard Black runs a book shop, though his customer service skills leave something to be desired. He hires Manny as an employee. Fran runs the shop next door. Between the three of them many adventures ensue.
Release Name:
Black Books - Complete Series (DVD)
Release Info:
OCR'd DVD subs to text. Don't forget to rate/comment, enjoy!
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1 00:00:31,654 --> 00:00:34,168 I don't know, Nick. You're the accountant. 2 00:00:34,254 --> 00:00:36,610 -These books… -Yeah, I know. 3 00:00:36,695 --> 00:00:38,411 -Hello? -I'm not sure. 4 00:00:38,495 --> 00:00:41,568 Hello, there! Excuse me! 5 00:00:41,656 --> 00:00:44,012 I just wonder if… Hel… 6 00:00:44,097 --> 00:00:46,814 It'll be different this time. Honestly. 7 00:00:46,898 --> 00:00:49,048 The accounts are in order. 8 00:00:49,138 --> 00:00:52,689 Okay. I'll see you in an hour. Okay. Bye. 9 00:00:52,779 --> 00:00:55,090 -Now… -Those books, how much?
1 00:00:57,610 --> 00:00:58,759 Hiya! 2 00:01:01,490 --> 00:01:02,889 Hello… 3 00:01:04,170 --> 00:01:09,723 -Hello. -I'm, um… the… Ahh! 4 00:01:09,811 --> 00:01:12,367 Yes, of course! How are you? 5 00:01:12,451 --> 00:01:14,124 I'm fine. How are you? 6 00:01:14,211 --> 00:01:15,963 Fine. 7 00:01:18,291 --> 00:01:21,841 We haven't slept together, and you're not here to freak me out. 8 00:01:21,931 --> 00:01:23,922 -No, no. -[LAUGHS] 9 00:01:24,011 --> 00:01:26,400 It's just with you being a man and everything,
1 00:00:02,915 --> 00:00:05,470 Abbé! Abbé! 2 00:00:05,554 --> 00:00:06,988 Abbé! 3 00:00:08,114 --> 00:00:09,263 Abbé! 4 00:01:15,625 --> 00:01:18,180 [ELECTRIC WHIRRING] 5 00:01:18,264 --> 00:01:20,778 -I don't want this, Freddie. -It's a gift. 6 00:01:20,864 --> 00:01:23,819 Bribe me any way you like, I'm not house-sitting. 7 00:01:23,903 --> 00:01:26,859 Put it on your neck, it gives you Shiatsu massage. 8 00:01:26,943 --> 00:01:29,253 Look. You put it here. See? 9 00:01:30,662 --> 00:01:33,017 Oh, that's… Oh, I can feel that. 10
1 00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:31,581 Fran! Fran! Fran! 2 00:00:39,990 --> 00:00:41,185 Bernard, Bernard! 3 00:00:41,270 --> 00:00:43,466 There you are. Wait till you hear this. 4 00:00:43,550 --> 00:00:48,146 No, me first. I can't hold onto this one. My story goes first. 5 00:00:48,230 --> 00:00:50,983 -No! I'm not backing down. -Neither am I. 6 00:00:51,070 --> 00:00:52,945 -You know what that means. -Count. 7 00:00:53,029 --> 00:00:54,906 One, two, three. 8 00:00:59,709 --> 00:01:01,063 [SCREAMING] 9 00:01:01,149 --> 00:01:03,504 -Say "peanuts." -Peanuts.
1 00:00:31,412 --> 00:00:34,288 [LISPING] You reckon they got in through the back? 2 00:00:34,372 --> 00:00:36,488 Yeah. We reckon it was drug addicts. 3 00:00:36,572 --> 00:00:40,963 They took all the drugs. We had Beechams, Night Nurse, all gone. 4 00:00:41,051 --> 00:00:43,167 Not surprising. From where I'm standing, 5 00:00:43,251 --> 00:00:47,040 there are 145 points of entry into this shop. 6 00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:49,326 -Are there? -Try and keep me out. 7 00:00:49,410 --> 00:00:51,048 All right. 8 00:00:55,930 --> 00:00:58,318 You see? That's why you need this. 9 00:00:58,409 --> 00:01:03,085 Normally this is installed in zoos. The glass is soundproof.
1 00:00:37,234 --> 00:00:39,954 -Oh, Jesus! -Yes, you've been caught! 2 00:00:41,115 --> 00:00:44,712 -What sort of time do you call this? -It's only midnight. 3 00:00:44,797 --> 00:00:47,027 Where were you? Quickly… no lies. 4 00:00:47,117 --> 00:00:50,794 -Out with some friends. -Friends? Out? With? Some? 5 00:00:50,879 --> 00:00:52,915 Let me smell your breath. 6 00:00:52,999 --> 00:00:55,435 I thought so! Chips! Where are my chips? 7 00:00:56,521 --> 00:01:01,392 Your clothes are all rumpled! Is that lipstick on your beard? 8 00:01:02,523 --> 00:01:05,160 Here I am, worrying myself away into a stick 9 00:01:05,244 --> 00:01:08,441 and you're scoffing
1 00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:33,990 -BERNARD: Oh, my God. -Isn't it great? 2 00:00:34,074 --> 00:00:36,462 No, it's ridiculous. 3 00:00:36,553 --> 00:00:39,227 Why did you get it? And why is it in my shop? 4 00:00:39,313 --> 00:00:41,268 Manny said I should get a hobby. 5 00:00:41,352 --> 00:00:44,348 It'll be gone soon… they need a winch to get it up to my flat. 6 00:00:44,432 --> 00:00:46,307 You'll be bored of the piano in ten minutes. 7 00:00:46,391 --> 00:00:49,747 No. I'm getting proper lessons from this Russian guy. 8 00:00:49,831 --> 00:00:51,787 His ad says he never fails. 9 00:00:52,390 --> 00:00:53,946 Right.
1 00:00:01,296 --> 00:00:03,253 [EERIE MUSIC] 2 00:00:30,058 --> 00:00:33,608 [WHISPERED CHANTING] 3 00:00:50,019 --> 00:00:51,692 [MUSIC INTENSIFIES] 4 00:00:59,539 --> 00:01:01,850 Three 99s, please. 5 00:01:32,021 --> 00:01:34,490 I'm staring. I'm staring at women. 6 00:01:34,581 --> 00:01:38,052 It's the heat, all the dresses. It's driving me nuts. 7 00:01:38,142 --> 00:01:41,772 It's very hot. Too hot. What's the temperature? 8 00:01:41,862 --> 00:01:44,138 No, I'm not 12. 9 00:01:44,222 --> 00:01:46,736 -No, go away! -Only trying to be nice. 10
1 00:00:27,687 --> 00:00:30,805 No… No… 2 00:00:31,888 --> 00:00:34,562 Oh, maybe. No, no. 3 00:00:34,648 --> 00:00:37,685 "Sales manager in a huge department store." 4 00:00:37,769 --> 00:00:41,000 -Too busy. -"Beautician on a cruise liner"? 5 00:00:41,089 --> 00:00:43,001 Too boaty. 6 00:00:43,090 --> 00:00:46,925 You can sort your life out any time, the pub closes in five hours. 7 00:00:47,011 --> 00:00:49,844 You could help. It's not easy finding a job. 8 00:00:49,931 --> 00:00:52,845 Have Manny's. He's useless, he won't mind. 9 00:00:52,932 --> 00:00:57,049 You work here and he can go back
1 00:00:36,063 --> 00:00:39,454 -Um, how much is this? -£3. 2 00:00:39,543 --> 00:00:41,978 Ahh. Mmm… 3 00:00:42,063 --> 00:00:45,215 Is there something wrong with your head? 4 00:00:46,303 --> 00:00:49,534 Are you wagging it to say no or is it just uncontrollable? 5 00:00:49,623 --> 00:00:52,456 -Uh… -You want the price put down? 6 00:00:52,543 --> 00:00:54,295 Well, I was thinking £2. 7 00:00:54,383 --> 00:00:58,342 Because £3 is just naked profiteering for a book a mere 8 00:00:59,863 --> 00:01:01,695 912 pages long? 9 00:01:01,783 --> 00:01:03,979 What'll I do with that extra pound?
1 00:00:32,414 --> 00:00:35,129 [CELL PHONE RINGING] 2 00:00:35,213 --> 00:00:36,964 Bugger. Bugger. 3 00:00:38,412 --> 00:00:41,527 Yep, yep. I'm coming, I'm coming. 4 00:00:41,611 --> 00:00:43,522 I'm coming, all right? 5 00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:45,806 Pain in the ass! 6 00:00:45,890 --> 00:00:48,845 -Where are you off to? -I'm going to yoga. 7 00:00:48,929 --> 00:00:50,442 Oh, I've often wondered… 8 00:00:50,529 --> 00:00:52,883 -What? -Don't start. 9 00:00:52,968 --> 00:00:57,040 -Eva says I'm stressed. -What does Eva know about stress? 10
1 00:00:27,615 --> 00:00:29,731 [GRINDING, WHIRRING, BANGING] 2 00:00:29,815 --> 00:00:31,964 What are they building? The noise! 3 00:00:32,054 --> 00:00:34,807 They'll finish soon, we'll have a quiet Sunday. 4 00:00:34,894 --> 00:00:36,805 [LOUD GRINDING] 5 00:00:36,894 --> 00:00:40,250 -Jesus. -We'll just have to blank it out. 6 00:00:40,894 --> 00:00:45,250 Hi. Hi. Um, I was wondering if you could do a book search for me? 7 00:00:45,334 --> 00:00:48,008 I'm looking for a biography of Schubert. 8 00:00:48,094 --> 00:00:51,644 So if you could hunt it up for me, I'll wait here. 9 00:00:53,774 --> 00:00:56,334 What kind of coffee do you do?
1 00:00:28,731 --> 00:00:30,687 FRAN: "Dear Bernard, dear Manny. 2 00:00:30,771 --> 00:00:32,367 "I told you I'd write." 3 00:00:32,451 --> 00:00:35,487 "Cornwall is… Well, you've seen the pictures." 4 00:00:35,571 --> 00:00:39,367 "It's like the pictures. Except a lot more boring." 5 00:00:39,451 --> 00:00:44,247 "Everybody is at least 300 and they all speak some kind of medieval English," 6 00:00:44,331 --> 00:00:47,801 "the most important word being 'urrrrrr.' " 7 00:00:48,891 --> 00:00:51,367 "Can't wait to see you. Get a bottle open." 8 00:00:51,451 --> 00:00:53,407 "Love, Fran." 9 00:00:53,491 --> 00:00:55,367 Urrrrrr."
1 00:00:37,377 --> 00:00:39,612 Smoking makes you dead. 2 00:00:39,696 --> 00:00:43,731 It means you get all black inside and swell up like a whale, 3 00:00:43,815 --> 00:00:45,610 and explode in hospital. 4 00:00:45,694 --> 00:00:48,369 Daddy says criminals and bad people smoke. 5 00:00:48,453 --> 00:00:51,249 Timmy? He's not bothering you, is he? 6 00:00:51,333 --> 00:00:54,008 Not at all, no, but no ice cream in the shop. 7 00:00:54,092 --> 00:00:58,244 -I don't have an ice cream. -I think Timmy's telling a naughty fib. 8 00:01:00,090 --> 00:01:03,765 For goodness' sake. Outside, now! 9 00:01:03,849 --> 00:01:05,804 No books for you.
1 00:00:32,229 --> 00:00:34,379 [CHESTY, RATTLING COUGH] 2 00:00:35,189 --> 00:00:37,865 You have five new messages. 3 00:00:37,949 --> 00:00:39,305 [BEEP] 4 00:00:39,389 --> 00:00:41,385 Yo, Manny! Paul here. 5 00:00:41,469 --> 00:00:45,146 The annual reggae barbecue on the barge is go. Repeat, go! 6 00:00:45,230 --> 00:00:48,666 Bring Pam, or Sam, whatever her name is. 7 00:00:48,750 --> 00:00:51,426 -Message deleted. -[BEEP] 8 00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,666 Hey, Manny, it's Richard. 9 00:00:53,750 --> 00:00:56,307 -Message deleted. -[BEEP] 10
1 00:00:32,854 --> 00:00:35,570 Bernard! It's nearly on! Come on. 2 00:00:35,654 --> 00:00:38,452 -What's on? -It. Come on! 3 00:00:39,013 --> 00:00:43,769 AMERICAN: You happy? You happy now? Here's your goddamn book store. 4 00:00:43,853 --> 00:00:45,969 Nyuh, nyuh, nyuh, nyuh, nyuh. 5 00:00:46,053 --> 00:00:50,288 Hey, mister. You got anything on armories, weaponry? 6 00:00:50,372 --> 00:00:52,728 Military history is on your right. 7 00:00:52,812 --> 00:00:55,768 I don't want your little history grotto. 8 00:00:55,852 --> 00:01:00,447 I want modern warfare. Infrared. Fallout. Kill zones. 9 00:01:00,531 --> 00:01:05,082 On your right. If you need help, fire some rounds into the ceiling.
1 00:00:32,291 --> 00:00:35,127 Bernard, another solicitor's letter. 2 00:00:35,211 --> 00:00:37,441 Put it with the others. 3 00:00:43,212 --> 00:00:46,365 -Maybe you should read it. -[SIGHS] 4 00:01:11,976 --> 00:01:13,933 What is this? 5 00:01:14,017 --> 00:01:18,453 Well, the woman upstairs wants her £170-a-month ground rent. 6 00:01:18,537 --> 00:01:20,494 She doesn't need any more money. 7 00:01:20,578 --> 00:01:23,734 She's already got all the blue hair and toffee 8 00:01:23,818 --> 00:01:25,814 and pop socks a person could want. 9 00:01:25,898 --> 00:01:29,775 -There's nothing you can do. -Go and tell her to stop.
1 00:00:33,403 --> 00:00:35,394 -Manny. -Hm. 2 00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:38,119 -Manny. -Hm. 3 00:00:39,563 --> 00:00:41,998 -[SIGHS] Manny. -Ah-ah. 4 00:00:48,364 --> 00:00:50,753 What time is it? Can we close up yet? 5 00:00:51,284 --> 00:00:54,320 Hey, you're still open. It's Friday night. 6 00:00:54,404 --> 00:00:58,398 Friday night? We should have been closed hours ago. 7 00:01:01,484 --> 00:01:03,880 Time to get out of these work clothes. 8 00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:06,480 Look, Bernard, look at my new phone. 9 00:01:06,564 --> 00:01:10,600 It's got web access, it's got a
