Alfred Hitchcock Presents - First Season English Subtitles
Release Name:
Season 01
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Actual usable Subs
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1 00:00:25,105 --> 00:00:28,131 Good evening. I'm Alfred Hitchcock. 2 00:00:28,675 --> 00:00:32,543 And tonight, I'm presenting the first in a series of stories... 3 00:00:32,612 --> 00:00:35,809 of suspense and mystery, called, oddly enough... 4 00:00:36,283 --> 00:00:38,012 Alfred Hitchcock Presents. 5 00:00:38,652 --> 00:00:42,748 I shall not act in these stories, but will only make appearances. 6 00:00:43,457 --> 00:00:47,450 Something in the nature of an accessory before and after the fact... 7 00:00:48,362 --> 00:00:51,490 to give the title to those of you who can't read... 8 00:00:51,765 --> 00:00:55,531 and to tidy up afterwards for those who don't understand the endings. 9
1 00:00:24,905 --> 00:00:26,372 Good evening. 2 00:00:27,140 --> 00:00:29,438 Have you ever had a premonition? 3 00:00:29,743 --> 00:00:33,110 A feeling that something dreadful was about to happen? 4 00:00:33,747 --> 00:00:38,150 I mentioned that, obviously, because tonight's play is about a young man... 5 00:00:38,251 --> 00:00:40,116 named Kim Stanger. 6 00:00:40,687 --> 00:00:42,917 About his strange homecoming... 7 00:00:43,690 --> 00:00:46,591 and of the mystery he found when he arrived. 8 00:00:47,294 --> 00:00:51,560 Follow him if you will, as he attempts to unravel this mystery... 9 00:00:52,165 --> 00:00:54,895
1 00:00:50,597 --> 00:00:53,498 That's precisely why I don't care for Russian roulette. 2 00:00:54,034 --> 00:00:55,661 I never seem to win. 3 00:00:56,436 --> 00:00:58,802 There are two revolvers such as this... 4 00:00:59,106 --> 00:01:01,301 which play a part in tonight's story. 5 00:01:01,375 --> 00:01:05,835 It is what you might call a Western, although there isn't a horse to be seen. 6 00:01:07,481 --> 00:01:10,973 We intended to get horses, but they couldn't remember the lines. 7 00:01:11,051 --> 00:01:13,542 So you'll be seeing people instead. 8 00:01:13,653 --> 00:01:15,314 The cast is a very small one... 9
1 00:00:25,572 --> 00:00:28,166 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen... 2 00:00:28,475 --> 00:00:30,670 and especially the gentlemen. 3 00:00:31,345 --> 00:00:34,178 All of you have at one time or another... 4 00:00:34,414 --> 00:00:37,042 speculated on how it would be to be separated... 5 00:00:37,117 --> 00:00:39,915 from your wife for a week or a weekend. 6 00:00:40,987 --> 00:00:45,424 But have you ever thought of being away from the little woman for seven years? 7 00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:47,722 You have? 8 00:00:48,562 --> 00:00:52,464 Well, in that case, you will be even more interested in tonight's play... 9 00:00:52,532 --> 00:00:55,023
1 00:00:26,740 --> 00:00:29,641 Tonight we are going to tell the story of a woman... 2 00:00:29,710 --> 00:00:32,008 who disappears into thin air. 3 00:00:32,679 --> 00:00:36,445 By the way, have you noticed that thin air seems to be the type of air... 4 00:00:36,516 --> 00:00:38,950 most conducive to disappearances? 5 00:00:39,519 --> 00:00:42,113 There, certainly, is a fact well worth knowing. 6 00:00:42,189 --> 00:00:46,216 Now, in case you seem to recognize parts of the story... 7 00:00:46,293 --> 00:00:47,760 don't be alarmed. 8 00:00:47,828 --> 00:00:51,594 It is familiar because it is a classic of its kind. 9 00:00:51,665 --> 00:00:54,498
1 00:00:26,740 --> 00:00:28,765 Hold on. Wait a minute. 2 00:00:28,909 --> 00:00:31,275 I think you've got much too much fill light. 3 00:00:31,678 --> 00:00:34,875 Look, this is supposed to be a night scene, yet it 's full of daylight. 4 00:00:35,082 --> 00:00:36,572 Quiet back there- 5 00:00:36,650 --> 00:00:40,177 I beg your pardon. Oh, good evening. 6 00:00:40,887 --> 00:00:43,685 We wanted to take you behind the scenes for a moment... 7 00:00:43,757 --> 00:00:45,918 to show you how we make our films. 8 00:00:46,093 --> 00:00:48,561 The friendly cooperation of many, many people... 9 00:00:48,628 --> 00:00:50,619
1 00:00:31,712 --> 00:00:32,940 Good evening. 2 00:00:33,347 --> 00:00:37,283 I've been reading a mystery story. I find them very relaxing. 3 00:00:37,384 --> 00:00:39,352 They take my mind off my work. 4 00:00:40,020 --> 00:00:41,783 These little books are quite nice. 5 00:00:41,855 --> 00:00:44,585 Of course, they can never replace hardcover books. 6 00:00:44,658 --> 00:00:46,558 They're just as good for reading... 7 00:00:46,827 --> 00:00:49,091 but they make very poor doorstops. 8 00:00:49,429 --> 00:00:51,454 Tonight's story by Louis Pollock... 9 00:00:51,531 --> 00:00:54,056
1 00:00:26,873 --> 00:00:28,500 Good evening. 2 00:00:29,409 --> 00:00:32,845 No, I'm not drinking on the job. Not for pleasure at any rate. 3 00:00:32,979 --> 00:00:35,277 I am an amateur wine taster. 4 00:00:36,049 --> 00:00:39,985 A friend suspects that someone has been tampering with his wine. 5 00:00:40,687 --> 00:00:44,020 Of course, there's no use going through the trouble of a laboratory test... 6 00:00:44,091 --> 00:00:47,549 when any self-respecting gourmet can detect impurities. 7 00:00:52,499 --> 00:00:54,194 Nothing wrong here. 8 00:00:54,334 --> 00:00:57,360 A very fine Burgundy, a Romani Conti, I would say. 9 00:01:05,212 --> 00:01:07,976 This is Muscatel.
1 00:00:32,446 --> 00:00:33,936 My last quarter. 2 00:00:43,924 --> 00:00:46,415 I've been frightfully lucky this evening. 3 00:00:47,361 --> 00:00:49,659 Now if they were to invent a machine... 4 00:00:50,063 --> 00:00:53,965 that I could play using orange seeds and cherry pits... 5 00:00:54,634 --> 00:00:56,192 I'd be perfectly happy. 6 00:00:57,204 --> 00:00:59,570 All the foregoing will immediately seem... 7 00:00:59,639 --> 00:01:02,335 justified, appropriate, clever. 8 00:01:03,276 --> 00:01:06,473 And even dignified, when I tell you that tonight's narrative... 9 00:01:06,546 --> 00:01:08,070
1 00:00:25,572 --> 00:00:27,039 Good evening. 2 00:00:27,674 --> 00:00:30,666 Due to circumstances beyond our control... 3 00:00:31,211 --> 00:00:33,441 tragedy will not strike tonight. 4 00:00:33,513 --> 00:00:36,676 I'm dreadfully sorry, perhaps some other time. 5 00:00:37,584 --> 00:00:42,487 However, I have just witnessed a sneak preview of this evening's story... 6 00:00:43,156 --> 00:00:45,590 and I found it simply frightening. 7 00:00:46,293 --> 00:00:49,854 Sometimes, death is not the worst that can befall a man... 8 00:00:50,063 --> 00:00:53,430 and I don't refer to torture or any type of violence. 9
1 00:00:26,540 --> 00:00:27,734 Good evening. 2 00:00:27,808 --> 00:00:31,744 I was just constructing a mobile for my living room. 3 00:00:32,112 --> 00:00:35,980 They tell me the foreign hand is becoming less popular these days. 4 00:00:36,450 --> 00:00:38,008 I like it, though. 5 00:00:38,218 --> 00:00:40,243 I'm just old-fashioned, I guess. 6 00:00:40,487 --> 00:00:42,955 But so much for fine art. 7 00:00:43,590 --> 00:00:46,582 This evening we have another in our series of plays... 8 00:00:46,827 --> 00:00:49,694 designed especially for insomniacs. 9 00:00:50,297 --> 00:00:54,063 Actually, our stories
1 00:00:37,651 --> 00:00:39,118 Good evening. 2 00:00:39,219 --> 00:00:41,915 I thought I might as well brick this up. 3 00:00:42,222 --> 00:00:45,555 I don't expect I'll be using this fireplace anymore. 4 00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:48,594 I expect the chimney to be closed very soon. 5 00:00:49,162 --> 00:00:51,756 I've loosened the bricks... 6 00:00:51,832 --> 00:00:56,166 so they'll fall in if anyone should brush against them on the way down. 7 00:00:58,472 --> 00:01:01,737 Santa Claus is always bringing surprises to others. 8 00:01:01,975 --> 00:01:06,036 I thought it would be interesting if someone surprised him for a change. 9
1 00:00:27,140 --> 00:00:28,630 Oh, oh, good evening. 2 00:00:29,009 --> 00:00:32,376 I was just about to send greetings to an old friend. 3 00:00:32,879 --> 00:00:35,905 I'm sure Martin's civilized methods of homicide... 4 00:00:35,982 --> 00:00:39,247 are much more efficient, but I don't care for them. 5 00:00:39,519 --> 00:00:41,282 I abhor violence. 6 00:00:41,822 --> 00:00:44,017 That is why on this program... 7 00:00:44,091 --> 00:00:47,822 we use stabbings, shooting and garrotings... 8 00:00:47,894 --> 00:00:50,920 only when they are absolutely essential to the plot... 9 00:00:51,198 --> 00:00:53,063 or when the whim strikes us.
1 00:00:27,374 --> 00:00:28,841 Good evening. 2 00:00:28,909 --> 00:00:32,242 I hope you'll excuse me if I appear a trifle excited... 3 00:00:32,679 --> 00:00:36,342 but I've just come into possession of a cure for insomnia. 4 00:00:36,717 --> 00:00:38,947 It comes in capsule form. 5 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:44,086 For best results, they must be taken internally. 6 00:00:45,025 --> 00:00:47,585 Here is the handy applicator. 7 00:00:48,428 --> 00:00:51,124 It is an amazingly simple device. 8 00:00:51,331 --> 00:00:54,425 An idiot can operate it and indeed many do. 9 00:00:55,102 --> 00:00:58,663 These objects play an important
1 00:00:29,976 --> 00:00:33,434 This is a mousetrap as any fool can plainly see... 2 00:00:34,715 --> 00:00:36,774 that is, if he isn't a mouse. 3 00:00:36,917 --> 00:00:39,317 It's an amazingly effective tool. 4 00:00:39,619 --> 00:00:44,022 I've been fiddling with it only a few minutes, and I've already caught three. 5 00:00:45,559 --> 00:00:48,528 Cornell Woolrich, the author of tonight's story... 6 00:00:48,595 --> 00:00:50,586 does not make mousetraps. 7 00:00:50,897 --> 00:00:53,491 Mr. Woolrich goes in for bigger game. 8 00:00:53,667 --> 00:00:57,034 He makes people-traps, and very good ones, too. 9 00:00:57,871 --> 00:01:00,499
1 00:00:28,041 --> 00:00:29,565 Good evening. 2 00:00:29,643 --> 00:00:32,737 The hourglass is a wonderful invention. 3 00:00:33,380 --> 00:00:36,543 But I'm afraid it will never replace the sundial. 4 00:00:36,883 --> 00:00:38,976 Certainly not in my garden. 5 00:00:39,353 --> 00:00:41,150 This one doesn't even work. 6 00:00:41,221 --> 00:00:45,351 I sent it to a jeweler's to be cleaned and he removed all the sand. 7 00:00:45,992 --> 00:00:48,961 Fortunately, the second hand still functions. 8 00:00:49,496 --> 00:00:53,227 Time is very important to the characters in tonight's story. 9 00:00:53,633 --> 00:00:55,624 One of them is doing it.
1 00:00:28,075 --> 00:00:29,599 This is an axe. 2 00:00:30,644 --> 00:00:34,603 I say this for the information of those of you whose television tubes... 3 00:00:34,681 --> 00:00:36,410 may have burnt out. 4 00:00:36,650 --> 00:00:39,619 I wish to reach the widest possible audience. 5 00:00:40,654 --> 00:00:45,091 Tonight we have a story based on one of our most celebrated murder cases. 6 00:00:46,059 --> 00:00:50,120 One that rocked Fall River, Massachusetts and the entire country... 7 00:00:50,197 --> 00:00:52,222 late in the last century. 8 00:00:52,899 --> 00:00:55,732 The crime was and still is a shocking one. 9 00:00:56,069 --> 00:00:59,800 But since it actually happened
1 00:00:50,931 --> 00:00:53,729 There, that's better. Much better. 2 00:00:55,569 --> 00:00:58,732 The least we can do is to provide the proper atmosphere. 3 00:00:59,639 --> 00:01:02,039 This is truly an extraordinary item. 4 00:01:02,576 --> 00:01:04,601 Loud, squeaking fluid. 5 00:01:05,312 --> 00:01:08,475 It is also excellent at making old shutters bang... 6 00:01:08,982 --> 00:01:12,611 and on dark nights one can spray it in the air in case... 7 00:01:12,686 --> 00:01:14,881 the wind isn't whistling loud enough. 8 00:01:15,021 --> 00:01:16,750 It's very practical, too. 9 00:01:17,057 --> 00:01:19,958
1 00:00:26,773 --> 00:00:28,138 Good evening. 2 00:00:31,978 --> 00:00:35,243 I hope you don't mind but I have to eat on the job tonight. 3 00:00:36,650 --> 00:00:38,208 We're terribly rushed. 4 00:00:38,819 --> 00:00:40,548 But no matter how busy... 5 00:00:40,721 --> 00:00:43,554 I think the least one can do is to dress properly. 6 00:00:44,758 --> 00:00:47,556 Tonight's supper show is called... 7 00:00:48,328 --> 00:00:49,590 "The Derelicts." 8 00:00:49,730 --> 00:00:52,221 And there isn't much to tell you about it. 9 00:00:52,999 --> 00:00:54,591 Naturally, we shall...
1 00:00:27,307 --> 00:00:28,774 Good evening. 2 00:00:29,276 --> 00:00:31,676 This misty bit of ectoplasm... 3 00:00:32,045 --> 00:00:34,741 forming on the inside of your television screen... 4 00:00:34,815 --> 00:00:37,340 is one Alfred Hitchcock... 5 00:00:38,285 --> 00:00:43,188 coming to you from across that great barrier that divides the quick from the dead: 6 00:00:43,757 --> 00:00:45,418 the Atlantic Ocean. 7 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:49,094 I have materialized for the express purpose... 8 00:00:49,162 --> 00:00:52,256 of warning you that during tonight's séance... 9 00:00:52,366 --> 00:00:54,994 you will witness a playlet entitled:
1 00:00:30,410 --> 00:00:31,877 Good evening. 2 00:00:32,312 --> 00:00:36,009 You know, this came as somewhat of a surprise to me. 3 00:00:36,450 --> 00:00:40,580 I was under the impression that all pool tables were kidney-shaped. 4 00:00:41,355 --> 00:00:43,915 I guess that's only true in Hollywood. 5 00:00:43,990 --> 00:00:47,448 Our story tonight will be in a somewhat different vein. 6 00:00:47,828 --> 00:00:52,561 It is a tale of mystery and intrigue on a transcontinental express. 7 00:00:53,333 --> 00:00:54,925 It is called... 8 00:01:00,741 --> 00:01:03,904 The title seems to have slipped my mind. It's... 9 00:01:05,112 --> 00:01:07,080
1 00:00:27,307 --> 00:00:28,706 Good evening... 2 00:00:28,775 --> 00:00:32,711 and thank you for allowing me to come into your living rooms. 3 00:00:35,215 --> 00:00:39,584 I'm not easily shocked, but I did expect people to dress a bit more formally... 4 00:00:40,020 --> 00:00:42,284 before sitting in front of their sets. 5 00:00:42,422 --> 00:00:44,982 Now that two-way television is here. 6 00:00:48,695 --> 00:00:52,597 Apparently, not everyone was aware of the incessant march of progress. 7 00:00:53,133 --> 00:00:56,000 The next improvement should be more to your liking. 8 00:00:56,303 --> 00:00:59,966 I understand that scientists will soon make it possible... 9
1 00:00:29,009 --> 00:00:31,637 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen... 2 00:00:32,379 --> 00:00:34,244 especially the ladies. 3 00:00:35,315 --> 00:00:39,308 Now you see what might happen if you fall asleep under the dryer. 4 00:00:40,187 --> 00:00:42,348 Shrunken heads are a hobby of mine. 5 00:00:42,422 --> 00:00:46,358 Collecting them of course, not making them. Takes too long to make one. 6 00:00:46,426 --> 00:00:50,055 First of all, you must wait until the original owner of the head dies. 7 00:00:50,130 --> 00:00:52,155 I haven't the patience for that. 8 00:00:52,232 --> 00:00:54,427 As you have, no doubt, already guessed... 9
1 00:00:28,375 --> 00:00:30,570 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen... 2 00:00:30,977 --> 00:00:32,672 and welcome to Hollywood. 3 00:00:34,514 --> 00:00:37,449 I think everyone enjoys a nice murder... 4 00:00:37,951 --> 00:00:40,146 provided he is not the victim. 5 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:44,684 Tonight's little comedy of bad manners is concerned... 6 00:00:44,758 --> 00:00:48,159 with that dream of all of us who harbor homicidal tendencies: 7 00:00:49,629 --> 00:00:51,187 The perfect murder. 8 00:00:52,132 --> 00:00:54,498 Of course, to be serious for a moment... 9 00:00:54,634 --> 00:00:57,228 there is no such thing
1 00:00:26,373 --> 00:00:27,567 Good evening. 2 00:00:27,641 --> 00:00:31,873 I have a request for those of you who are not watching television. 3 00:00:33,046 --> 00:00:35,014 Please turn on your set. 4 00:00:35,215 --> 00:00:36,978 I'm sure I look much worse... 5 00:00:37,050 --> 00:00:40,713 in the flamboyant Technicolor of your imagination... 6 00:00:40,787 --> 00:00:45,247 than I do in the austere black and white of television. 7 00:00:45,325 --> 00:00:46,314 Thank you. 8 00:00:46,393 --> 00:00:48,725 I'm sure that's much better. 9 00:00:48,795 --> 00:00:51,764 Although it may still be one color too many.
1 00:00:27,874 --> 00:00:28,863 Quiet, please. 2 00:00:30,310 --> 00:00:33,438 Good evening, fellow necromaniacs. 3 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,376 I'm glad so many of you could come. 4 00:00:36,817 --> 00:00:40,344 I should explain that the word has nothing to do with necking. 5 00:00:41,021 --> 00:00:44,013 I'm awfully sorry I haven't time to explain it now. 6 00:00:44,091 --> 00:00:46,889 You'll just have to look it up in the dictionary. 7 00:00:47,194 --> 00:00:48,525 As you know... 8 00:00:48,628 --> 00:00:52,758 we are not allowed to present our play unless we have a quorum. 9 00:00:53,367 --> 00:00:56,894
1 00:00:27,841 --> 00:00:30,776 Good evening. How did you find me? 2 00:00:31,545 --> 00:00:34,776 I specifically asked for an unlisted channel. 3 00:00:35,382 --> 00:00:37,350 I'm taking the week off. 4 00:00:37,551 --> 00:00:39,849 I wanted a rest from television. 5 00:00:40,420 --> 00:00:44,447 If you're one of those critics who thinks that television is frightful... 6 00:00:44,524 --> 00:00:48,085 all I can say is you should see it from this side. 7 00:00:48,462 --> 00:00:50,589 I've been reading the want ads. 8 00:00:50,664 --> 00:00:53,861 A man has a right to look around for a better job. 9
1 00:00:29,343 --> 00:00:31,470 What an extraordinary thumb. 2 00:00:31,978 --> 00:00:35,072 It completely obscures the subject I'm painting. 3 00:00:38,285 --> 00:00:40,651 I used to paint along the roadside. 4 00:00:40,721 --> 00:00:44,555 But I had to quit. Motorists insisted on giving me rides. 5 00:00:46,026 --> 00:00:47,789 Hold that pose. 6 00:00:47,861 --> 00:00:51,228 Remain perfectly still for the next half hour. 7 00:00:52,432 --> 00:00:56,630 Care to see my handiwork? I have several canvases ready. 8 00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:13,950 Or, if you like something more exotic... 9 00:01:18,392 --> 00:01:21,691
1 00:00:29,142 --> 00:00:30,939 Good evening, ladies. 2 00:00:32,512 --> 00:00:37,211 Has your husband recently acquired a faraway look in his eyes? 3 00:00:38,485 --> 00:00:42,114 In the event, something unforeseen happens to you... 4 00:00:43,090 --> 00:00:46,025 do all of your worldly goods go to him? 5 00:00:47,494 --> 00:00:51,726 Is he, at this moment, nervously excusing himself from the room? 6 00:00:52,766 --> 00:00:56,566 If you have answered, "Yes" to all the above questions... 7 00:00:57,137 --> 00:01:00,664 you receive a score of 100. 8 00:01:01,141 --> 00:01:03,609 A gold star for neatness. 9 00:01:05,379 --> 00:01:08,473 And my advice to leave
1 00:00:38,685 --> 00:00:41,245 Good evening. Thank you for waiting. 2 00:00:41,521 --> 00:00:44,547 I was tied up in a story conference. 3 00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:48,093 The writers seem to have escaped... 4 00:00:49,229 --> 00:00:51,094 with the secretary, too. 5 00:00:51,898 --> 00:00:53,991 I wonder if they left the story behind. 6 00:00:54,067 --> 00:00:55,329 Oh yes, here it is. 7 00:00:56,169 --> 00:00:59,400 It's called Never Again. May I show it to you? 8 00:01:16,256 --> 00:01:19,248 No. I don't want to wake up. 9 00:01:19,626 --> 00:01:21,992 Please don't make me wake up.
1 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:27,868 Good evening. 2 00:00:29,109 --> 00:00:31,441 Do you believe in ghosts? 3 00:00:32,012 --> 00:00:33,411 Of course not. 4 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:35,541 I knew you didn't. 5 00:00:35,749 --> 00:00:40,083 Noise is the mortal enemy of good motion picture making... 6 00:00:40,220 --> 00:00:42,279 and television broadcasting. 7 00:00:43,090 --> 00:00:46,025 That is why I hired this particular house. 8 00:00:47,027 --> 00:00:49,587 It is deathly quiet- 9 00:00:53,867 --> 00:00:55,232 Most of the time. 10 00:00:55,702 --> 00:00:58,364
1 00:00:39,619 --> 00:00:44,147 Doomed. Doomed to a violent end, that Clara Nash was. 2 00:00:44,758 --> 00:00:47,921 I'm telling you, Sergeant. Doomed to a violent end. 3 00:00:47,994 --> 00:00:51,122 I know, Mrs. Slocum, you told me. Three times, already. 4 00:00:51,198 --> 00:00:54,531 And I'm trying to find out, with your help, who murdered her. 5 00:00:54,601 --> 00:00:56,762 The horror of it all. 6 00:00:59,740 --> 00:01:01,867 And that wonderful Mr. Nash. 7 00:01:02,275 --> 00:01:04,937 And that poor little boy. Whatever is gonna become of him. 8 00:01:05,011 --> 00:01:06,876 Mom, please, mom. Try to control yourself. 9 00:01:06,947 --> 00:01:11,441
1 00:00:32,713 --> 00:00:33,907 Good evening. 2 00:00:34,514 --> 00:00:36,709 Perhaps I should explain this. 3 00:00:37,217 --> 00:00:40,709 My wife had these posters printed up as a joke. 4 00:00:41,455 --> 00:00:44,288 Of course, she doesn't really want me. 5 00:00:44,891 --> 00:00:47,758 Anyway, there isn't a chance I'll be recognized. 6 00:00:47,828 --> 00:00:50,023 They're passport photographs. 7 00:00:50,430 --> 00:00:52,625 This one is for going abroad... 8 00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:55,530 and this one, for coming back. 9 00:00:55,836 --> 00:00:58,862 My excuse for making these undignified remarks...
1 00:00:33,580 --> 00:00:34,774 Now, that's not it. 2 00:00:35,148 --> 00:00:38,481 I'm trying to locate a lost article. 3 00:00:38,585 --> 00:00:42,988 The only difficulty is, I can't remember what I lost. 4 00:00:47,761 --> 00:00:50,992 No, this isn't it. I don't know why I keep it. 5 00:00:51,064 --> 00:00:54,227 I don't think it's any good anymore, it's been used. 6 00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:03,007 This is for the man who has everything. 7 00:01:03,210 --> 00:01:07,044 It's to enable you to take some of it away from him. 8 00:01:07,447 --> 00:01:09,347 By the way, this may take all evening... 9
1 00:00:24,438 --> 00:00:25,427 Good evening. 2 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:29,807 And thank you for allowing me to come into your parlor. 3 00:00:30,477 --> 00:00:32,411 It all happened so suddenly. 4 00:00:32,679 --> 00:00:35,705 I was walking along when I heard someone saying: 5 00:00:36,016 --> 00:00:38,416 "Knit one, purl one"... 6 00:00:39,052 --> 00:00:41,577 and I came over to see what she was doing. 7 00:00:42,622 --> 00:00:46,524 The really frightening part is that I forgot my hunting license. 8 00:00:47,928 --> 00:00:51,625 Well, the show must go on even though I may not. 9 00:00:53,233 --> 00:00:56,430 Tonight's entertainment
1 00:00:26,907 --> 00:00:29,933 "Stone walls do not a prison make 2 00:00:31,111 --> 00:00:33,978 "Nor iron bars a cage" 3 00:00:34,614 --> 00:00:36,104 But they help. 4 00:00:36,750 --> 00:00:38,115 They help. 5 00:00:38,285 --> 00:00:40,549 Actually, this is my doctor's idea. 6 00:00:40,854 --> 00:00:42,845 When he says strict diet... 7 00:00:44,024 --> 00:00:45,514 he means strict diet. 8 00:00:45,992 --> 00:00:50,190 The saw came in the traditional way, inside a cake. 9 00:00:50,897 --> 00:00:53,525 Have you ever had a piece of calorieless cake?
1 00:00:28,241 --> 00:00:29,230 Good evening. 2 00:00:30,911 --> 00:00:33,345 I've been examining the fingerprints... 3 00:00:33,947 --> 00:00:36,507 on the inside of your television screen. 4 00:00:37,250 --> 00:00:40,686 Very unusual. They're all thumbs. 5 00:00:41,688 --> 00:00:45,647 That's it. They must've been left by your television repairman. 6 00:00:48,729 --> 00:00:51,391 You know, I could use this to watch television. 7 00:00:51,998 --> 00:00:55,399 I have a 27-inch set with an 8-inch screen. 8 00:00:56,303 --> 00:00:58,396 It also has an adjustment for color. 9
1 00:00:24,538 --> 00:00:28,838 Good evening, and thank you for peeping in at me tonight. 2 00:00:29,176 --> 00:00:31,872 I shall try to make it worth your while. 3 00:00:32,379 --> 00:00:35,974 Now, if you will look through the keyhole with your other eye... 4 00:00:43,290 --> 00:00:45,485 Excellent. Thank you. 5 00:00:45,926 --> 00:00:48,087 Incidentally, those of you... 6 00:00:48,261 --> 00:00:52,197 who think these letters don't spell anything couldn't be more incorrect. 7 00:00:52,432 --> 00:00:56,391 The last line was copied from an old insurance policy. 8 00:00:57,637 --> 00:00:59,662 Now that we are all in focus... 9 00:00:59,740 --> 00:01:03,904
1 00:00:28,175 --> 00:00:31,941 Did you ever have the feeling that you were being watched? 2 00:00:35,415 --> 00:00:37,280 Observe closely. 3 00:00:38,051 --> 00:00:41,214 No eyelid. He never sleeps. 4 00:00:42,055 --> 00:00:44,615 Obviously, an ideal audience. 5 00:00:45,092 --> 00:00:49,324 Unfortunately, he doesn't watch television. That's true. 6 00:00:50,097 --> 00:00:52,998 He isn't watching me, he's watching you... 7 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,327 to see if you're watching me. 8 00:00:55,402 --> 00:00:59,361 Please don't misunderstand. I love television, as a performer, that is. 9 00:00:59,906 --> 00:01:02,466 But I feel the wrong person is being paid.
