Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events - First Season English Subtitles

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If you are interested in stories
with happy endings,

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then you would be better off
somewhere else.

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In this story,
not only is there no happy ending,

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there is no happy beginning,
and very few happy things in the middle.

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My name is Lemony Snicket.

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It is my solemn duty to bring to light
the sorry history

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of the Baudelaire children
as it happened so many years ago.

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Jacquelyn, could you bring
the Baudelaire file in here, please?

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Hello, my name is Lemony Snicket,

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and I'm sorry to say that
the alleged entertainment you are watching

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is extremely unpleasant.

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Jacquelyn, could you bring
the Baudelaire file in here, please?

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From the beginning of this miserable tale
to the last melancholy scene,

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I cannot think of a single line,
a single word,

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Woe is me. Woe is me.

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The cry you're hearing
is that of the broken-hearted crocodile.

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It is a rare species of reptile found in
swampy regions that are particularly sad.

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Woe is me. Woe is me.

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My name is Lemony Snicket,

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and it is my sworn duty
to carefully research

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the dire plight of the Baudelaire orphans.

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But there is no reason
for you to make yourself

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There's no word
to describe the feeling of waking up

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and knowing instantly
that something is terribly wrong.

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If there were, the Baudelaires
would have used that word

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when they rose to find
dawn had awoken them,

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and their Uncle Monty had not.

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- Uncle Monty?
- Monty?

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- Uncle Monty?
- Are you in here?

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Good evening,
and welcome to Lachrymose News,

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where things that are happening
keep happening until they stop.

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Not unlike the plight
of the Baudelaire orphans,

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whom, viewers will recall,
lost their parents

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and their home in a terrible fire.

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With the latest update
on their dire plight

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is our co-anchor Vincent Fig Demetrios.

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By the time you read this note,
my life will be at it's end.

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My heart is as cold as Ike,
and I find my life inbearable.

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I know your children may not understand
the sad life of a dowadger,

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or what would have lead...

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leadled me to this desperate akt...

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but please know
that I am much happier this way.

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As my last will and testament,

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I leave you three in the care

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It's a catastrophe! It's unprecedented!

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It's off-book! It's unfortunate!

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The Baudelaires are lost
and unsupervised!

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Do you know what that means?

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- Without supervision?
- Good God, man, you're right!

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We must act now.
We must act without delay.

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We...

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need...

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I've called every town,
business and bus stop

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within 100 miles of Lake Lachrymose,
and no one has seen the Baudelaires.

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I'm finished, Eleanora!

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If I hadn't lost those orphans,
I'd be getting a promotion right now.

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Mr. Tamerlane is gonna fire me
at any time.

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That's him! Pick it up!
No, don't pick it up!

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Answer it! Hang up!

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